#one of them is an infant and will sleep most of the time anyway lol

[emmaspolaroid]

I am so sleepppy and I have 8 more hours of nannying to do RIP

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not watching my sick goddaughter and then not wanting to watch her sick brother

*fake names used obviously

Two days ago I got a message from my goddaughter's mom, Nancy, saying that my goddaughter, Natasha, had thrown up at school. The reason Nancy let me know was because her husband would be picking up Natasha's little brother, Dennis, who I watch from 7:30 AM to 3:30 PM most days.

Anyway, I have an extreme, irrational fear of throwing up. So after Nancy let me know Natasha was sick, I was afraid Nancy would then ask if Natasha could come over to my house the next day along with Dennis. Nancy works the night shift so she sleeps during the day and her husband works from 8 AM to 4 PM. I've watched both kids since they were infants. I love them as if they were my own, but when they're sick with a stomach bug, or just throwing up for whatever reason, I would prefer they stayed home away from me so that I can avoid getting what they have lol.

I've always felt bad about this, because they're little and I feel like at my grown age I should be okay with being around them if they've thrown up. Yet, I find myself internally freaking out about getting sick AND I get so paranoid I swear I make myself sick sometimes. Nancy knows this about me.

Sure enough, Nancy calls me and nonchalantly asks if Natasha can come over the next day with Dennis because the school told her Natasha couldn't return for 24 hours. Usually I would give in and say yes because I feel bad saying no, but recently my brother's have reminded me that Nancy only pays me 200 dollars every two weeks to watch Dennis four days a week, eight hours a day. Nancy has acknowledged that she'd have to pay way more at a daycare, so she appreciates what I, and my family do for them.

I love the kids, I really do, but despite having known their parents for so long it feels as though Nancy and her husband only really see me and my family as the help and almost expect us to always be available. Or maybe I'm just projecting my insecurities onto them about not feeling appreciated enough? Which I know is bad, but it's instances like this that have bothered me in the past. You wouldn't take the children to a daycare if they've thrown up right? Or if they're sick with something like covid (which they gave us like two years ago), or if they have a fever, but they've brought them over anyway. It feels mean, you know? Like I love the kids, but I don't want to get sick. Maybe I'm just a horrible, paranoid, awful person and I do think that sometimes. Ha ha, is this an instance in which it would be ok to set a boundary🤔😭

On top of that, I don't charge Nancy extra (nor does she offer to pay) when she asks me to watch the kids on the weekends for a few hours or when she's got time off of work and wants to bring them over. I know this is my fault, because I do not charge her, but again I feel bad asking for more money. My biggest fear for a long time was that she would stop bringing the kids over if I did ask for a little raise or asked her not to bring them over if they were sick, but was always reminded by my brothers that Nancy didn't want to pay for daycare. Still I felt too ashamed to ask for more babysitting money or for Nancy or her husband to keep the kids home sick, and again I feared she would find someone else to watch the children.

Anyway, I told Nancy no. I was very apologetic and reminded her that I get really paranoid when someone is sick throwing up. I told her I just didn't want to get sick because then I'd be out for one to two days. Which would mean I wouldn't be able to watch Dennis and she or her husband would have to miss out on a day of work. Nancy sounded let down, maybe annoyed? I'm not sure, I can't remember. I am kind of spiraling about it  as I'm typing this out now. I feel really bad that I said no, especially because Nancy called me from her car so Natasha heard me say no. Luckily, Natasha was happy that she would get to go spend time with her mom at work. Nancy works in an office as the manager of a warehouse, so it's not like Natasha had to wait in some break room or alone somewhere.

Then tonight I get a message from Nancy saying Dennis threw up, and the panic set in all over again. I feel bad telling her to keep him, even though she eventually offered to keep him home after my many questions: what time did it happen; did he only puke once; does he have a fever; how is he feeling now? I'm sure she's annoyed that I might say "Yes, please keep him." Because that would mean she would either have to stay awake with him and not sleep before work tomorrow night, or that her husband would have to stay home. I think I'm going to tell her to keep him. I feel bad, but I guess not bad enough, huh? I'm trying to justify it to myself, I know, but that's why I'm here. Am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[wyked-ao3]

"the cursed boy" please!! :)

it is a harry Potter x supernatural crossover sorta

Ok so this was one that came to me when I did a 48 hour stretch of being awake (insomnia sucks) anyway my brain went hey “What if Sam Winchester died, was sent back in time and reincarnated as Harry Potter with his memories intact?” will it span over all seven books as 50k-150k fic's most likely.....once I cut them down .....lol only three chapters into the first one.... I might actually write them all out before posting but I'm not sure on that yet... it's currently a back burner project...once "omens" is done then I will try to balance between this one and "the king of deaths redemption"

the beginning scene

Sam Winchester had a bad feeling about today, they had defeated Chuck but he had hit Sam with something just before his powers had been removed, he didn't trust it at all. He was used to being the punchline and he didn't look forward to finding out what this one was. He went to sleep that night and when his eyes opened next, he was staring up at a woman with green eyes and red hair..why was she holding him? Who was she? Better yet, where was he? He moved his hand and saw the hand of an infant, he thought “great just great, why does stuff like this keep happening to me” he just hoped this was a nightmare but he had the sinking feeling that it was not going to be.

thanks for the ask @bookish-karina

[prettybluelites]

Thoughts: Red Flags

And away we go!

Love the blissful piano score in this opening scene

Buttons sleeping in Legs Up the Wall pose because of course he is

Hogod there's a lot in that sigh Stede gives as he's remembering You Wear Fine Things Well

And just noticed Ed's parallel sigh, equally loaded but obviously very different

Probably reading way too much into it but I'm interested that Ed could have just chucked the cake toppers - and based on the "fuck you, Stede Bonnet" that he utters to the groom in E1, that would have made sense - but he positions them carefully in the window ledge facing outward as if they're jumping. The groom jumps and the bride jumps after him. So...yeah.

One of the only sour notes for me is the ongoing "no one can pronounce 'China'" thing. Maybe I'm dumb but I don't really get it. Is it playing to Susan's comment that people in the RoP "know so little"? Whatever, I didn't find it that funny.

Buttons has assimilated well, I see

Who is making t-shirts that say "Tender as Hell" because I want one

Oh my god. If the day ever comes when Lucius' return doesn't make me grin and cry and cry and grin, just go ahead and put me out of my misery. There's so much that's perfect about this moment. As someone who has had the experience of completely unexpectedly (but happily) running into someone I never thought I'd see again, I can say they captured that feeling of the world stopping for a sec and then everything swooping back into motion. In my situation I was not tackled to the floor but I love with every part of my heart that Pete tackled Lucius. Matthew Maher's expression is just wonderful. And in the following scene when you can tell he's been crying... *sniff* Pete has grown up so much and I'm so happy he and Lucius get to be together again.

On the one hand Stede sounds a bit tone deaf when he asks Lucius what happened to him, but would it ever in a million years occur to Stede that what happened to Lucius was, in fact, what happened to Lucius?

Already adored how accepting everyone is of Buttons's spirituality, but the fact that Auntie perceives him immediately as a Sea Witch is awesome.

Time out from Frenchie's Treacherous Lying to point out that his silhouette when he's standing in the corridor - when Ed calls him back to say he's expecting great things - is just to die for. The cut of that outfit? I think I literally gasped the fist time I saw it. Mad props to the costumers.

"We just had him asleep" - that's like something you say when you're caring for an infant, IDK, it stands out to me that Jim phrases it like that, they could have said, "You woke him up, pendejo," but phrasing it the way they do really speaks of caregiving. Again, probably reading too much into it, but. I like semantics.

Oh Stede, you are so wildly inappropriate doing your personal little homework project in the workplace

So...I forgot to bank on pissed-off Lucius. If someone had asked me, before the season started, do you think Lucius will be pissed about what happened to him, of course I would have said yes, but I didn't really think about how that would play out. More aimed at Ed, I think. I love what they did here, love the pacing of bringing him back early (we all knew he was alive anyway, lol) and Nathan Foad is so, so good.

I know there probably isn't room for it but I would love to get Archie's backstory

If you don't know what the scrolls say, I would say filling them by weight makes as much sense as anything. On the other hand, Olu's been around, the map board with the little ships was clearly something sailing-related, I don't believe for a second he would have messed with it. My sis asked if I thought they'd dumbed Oluwande down a bit this season and I don't totally agree but I sort of see what she meant. He definitely seems way more out of his element than we've seen him so far.

Samba Schutte making the most of his moments :D

Lucius snapping at Pete just grabs at my heart

Still processing the Izzy stuff, probably not going to be ready to talk about that for a loooonng time

Lucius recounting his horrors shouldn't be funny, but...it's funny

Only just now noticed Ed's long coat, interesting how it's reminiscent of the one in Pete's fantasy in S1

You know things are going to shit when someone in a position of power starts trying to make people fight each other to the death

"Some people are just broken, no matter what you do" - oh help, I am having so many overlapping Ed and Lucius thoughts right now, all tangled in the above line of dialogue as well as "what if life just begins again," oh help

The whole sequence with the wave washing over the deck is gorgeous and I know Frenchie was just grabbing the capstan for something to grab but when you think of it as where we see the crew in S1 "living for each other, not just to survive"... *shivers*

"Indestructible little fucker" is an early favorite for best line delivery in S2

So Zheng has at least two more ships that are currently en route? Fascinating...

God, I just noticed the way Izzy's leaning on Fang when they're all looking down at Ed. I never, when I first watched this show, thought I would ever be this consumed with Izzy thoughts.

And there we have Episode 2! Thanks for bearing with me. One more to go and then NEW SHIT! Today I went back and watched the trailer and thought about all that's still to come...can't wait.

[expirisims]

A Fresh New Look

With both Rayne and Sheree moved out, it’s Marsha who inherited the house! Billy moved in before my hiatus and the two are engaged so we get to actually play through another wedding! 

I wasted no time completing the round two makeovers and I think they turned out so cute! A little more grown up, but I kept their style sense in mind.

Marsha immediately hopped on the internet and Billy?  He’s a childish Sim so he spent the wee hours of the morning playing with a toy rocket, LOL!

With my extended life spans I tuned maternity leave to last most of the first year after birth (wouldn’t that be nice in real life...) Anyway, Billy was off to work as a police officer and Marsah made breakfast.

Oh no! Shayne and Cristina have been friends since the very beginning of the play through!

Baby Forrest is sleeping. Time for some kitty cuddling and a well deserved nap!

And a nicer bed so these two can recoup more easily! I’ve decided to minimally make over homes this round, like cribs for infants and toddlers if there isn’t one, and nicer bed if needed. By the time I get around to everyone in round three their lives are likely going to be so different I’m going to do more to the homes and give each of them aspiration rewards. Big changes will happen over time and in stages, sort of like in real life.

I’m not really surprised by this. My game seems to cycle through the same sims breaking up and getting back together rather than dating different sims entirely. Now the question is, are these two back together for good or will they break up again?

So, Billy was still on his way home and Marsha ran off to a party at the Marks household. AND OTIS WAS THE ONLY ONE HOME WITH FORREST!! I really really hope this isn’t a sign my game is getting borked!  Thakfully, Billy was home within minutes.

Meanwhile at the party...Marsha and Dmitry are both decked out in the new formal wear I picked for the upcoming wedding...facepalm. I sure hope you don’t drip any Goopy Carbonara on your WEDDING GOWN Marsha!

Nice...real nice. She ate and read a book while completely ignoring her host. And she had the audacity to have the “tastes like fridge” moodlet!

[arctic-hands]

It's been about 2 months so I can finally free myself of the second hand awkwardness of my train ride home from the eclipse

So I get on the train back to the East Coast at around 1 a.m. At roughly 2 p.m an obviously Amish family consisting of two young adults who look way too young to be taking care of this many kids, a teenage girl, three kids who look to be around seven, and two infants.

Hoo boy. This is a sixteen hour train trip that would be stretched to eighteen hours after engine trouble.

Predictably, the two babies did not like being in a rickety train and screamed their heads off periodically for the entire ride. I don't fault the babies for screaming, the ride was quite wobbly and rumbly. I was once a screaming baby too.

Predictably, the three 7ish year olds were running around and climbing everything, even trying to climb into the overhead luggage racks. I can't fault the children for this, as I too was a rambunctious child who liked to climb and jump before my knees turned to shite, and were I not a master of zoning out I too would have been quite bored.

What was not predictable was that the Amish couple did nothing to soothe or calm their kids the entire ride. The teenage girl just ignored everything and read books. The most the parents did was if their babies in their laps got a little too shrieky for THEIR comfort they would put their hands over the baby's mouths to muffle it, which predictably did nothing but make the babies more agitated.

Now I could extend sympathies for these young parents. When I say young, I mean twenty year olds at best. Too young to be taking care of this many kids. But in the seventeen hour time span I spent with these people, about two thirds of it was me wracking my brain for the German words to say "madam, please calm your children", and the other third was me wracking my brains for what I know about the Amish and how to say the words more archaic. At one point the seven year old girl looked behind her seat she was climbing on and just stared at me, but I was too sleep deprived to even say hello in any comprehensive language. And I was wearing a mask so my polite smile didn't show, so she just kept staring at me.

Anyway

At some point some European tourists got in. One was a man who looked to be about ten years older than me. Classic tourist vibe, camera around the neck and everything. Anyway as they were boarding the car the father had left his seat and the mother said something in Pennsylvania Dutch, and the camera tourist's eyes light up.

Ugh. 🫠

I wasn't trying to eavesdrop but I had the misfortune of being across the aisle and one row behind the parents and the screaming babies on their laps so it was inevitable that of course my rusty German skills would suddenly work for the first time in like a decade, enough for me to pick up the guy introducing himself auf Deutsch, and I heard him explain he was from Bornholm and could speak German fluently, how were you?

So I don't know off the top of my head when Pennsylvania Dutch linguistically drifted far away from German or vice versa, p sure it's been at least a century and a half. All I know is I had to contend with hearing a few contrite statements in PD and then some confused questions for clarification by the tourist in German before the two of them just stared at each other for like thirty seconds in complete silence before the Dane smiled politely, said "Tschüs!" and hurried away.

I thought about approaching him to explain what the Amish were and about Pennsylvania Dutch, but a) I was so fucking exhausted, 2) wasn't sure if he knew English and my German skills have degraded from my previously conversational level and I can understand more than I can actually say, and 3) I think everyone who experienced what just happened wanted to melt underneath the train tracks and solidify into flattened pennies.

Anyway this in no way involved me but it was so awkward I had to talk about it in therapy later that week lol. Eventually the family got off the train an hour before I did, perhaps predictably in Pennsylvania, and just about everyone in my train car audibly groaned in relief. The Dane had sat down somewhere behind me and I wasn't rude enough to turn and try to find him, so I have no idea if he was still there and groaning in relief too.

Anyway that sucked lmao

[eldritchsurveys]

1189.

Would you ever become a fan of a team you hate to please your spouse? >> I'm not interested in pleasing someone through suppression of my own tastes and preferences. They're grown, they can like what they like separately from me. And we can instead bond over things that we do both enjoy.

Can you handle scary movies? >> I can "handle" them, sure, lol. More importantly, I greatly enjoy watching them. How often do you get a new purse…and for guys a new wallet? .

What is the most money that you have ever spent on getting your nails done? >> I have never spent money on this. The few times I've had my nails done were either on someone else's dime or because my spouse was a nail tech and needed models.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? >> I don't think so.

What word describes your last relationship? .

Do you have a fake I.D.? >> I've never had one of these.

Would you date someone 5 years older than you? .

Have you ever been fingered? >> Sure. This question really came out of left field, though 😂

Have you ever been to California? Did you like it? >> I have not been. I would like to one day.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? >> I'm sure the specifics and circumstances of said drinking are what would actually matter.

Honestly, if you wanted to get laid right now, could you? >> I could. Not in meatspace, of course, but I could.

Do you like deviled eggs? >> Usually. I shoved one into my mouth at Sparrow's parents' house this past Easter and instantly regretted it (it had, like, Old Bay-seasoned crab in the filling? or something like that? and I guess Old Bay has mustard in it and I did not like that). What is your favorite horror movie? >> Horror is pretty much my top favourite genre, there's no way I'm choosing a single favourite. Here's three that I love, just off the top of my head: Candyman (1992), Hellraiser II: Hellbound, In the Mouth of Madness.

Has a little kid ever fallen asleep on your lap before? >> I don't think so. Not on my lap, anyway; I've held a sleeping infant. What’s your favorite kind of float? (coke, root beer) .

If you heard your best friend’s significant other was cheating on them, would you tell them? Even if you couldn’t prove it? >> I'd tell them what I heard, and from whom, and leave it at that.

If you discovered you were pregnant at this point in time, would you keep it or abort it? Why? . What is the last thing you googled? >> I typed the name of a book into the search bar so that the autofill suggestions would provide me with the author's name so I could make sure I was spelling it correctly. How far away do you live from the closest mall? >> I don't know, maybe 10 miles? About a 20 minute drive, and about a hour-long bus journey. So it goes. Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? >> I have not, seeing as I cannot swim and that would probably kill me.

Ever had sex in a public place? >> I have. What foods can you absolutely not eat? .

List four things about your facial appearance: >> I have a sizeable facial scar, I have a septum piercing, I have a square-ish jaw, and I have chin whiskers (remnants of past HRT).

Do you like hot, cold, or lukewarm showers? >> Somewhere between lukewarm and hot.

Favorite holiday? .

Have you ever taken part in a threesome? >> I have. I've never taken part in one that was truly enjoyable, though.

Have you told your parents all of your secrets from when you were a teen? . When drinking hard alcohol do you take shots more or make mixed drinks? >> I love cocktails. I will always choose cocktails. Have you ever been to an arena concert? >> I have, and it was regrettable. Well, at least one of them was. Seeing TSO isn't so bad, because at least there is seating. But it's also not exactly great, you know what I mean...

Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? >> Exactly three people came to my wedding on my behalf, and none of them were parents.

Has a friend ever really hurt you and you never told them? >> There is no way I could have told people that they'd hurt me. I don't think I've ever been in relationship with a person that it was safe to say that sort of thing to. Have you ever stayed on a ride at a theme park to ride it again? >> I don't think so. Or, like, I wasn't able to.

Do you work any holidays? .

Last funeral you attended? .

Where did your mother and father meet for the first time? .

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? .

Have you ever stayed in a cheap motel? >> I lived in one for a few months.

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? >> I have been to Disney World.

What are you currently dressed in? >> Joggers, undershirt, hoodie.

[faeflowerz]

Happy Birthday, Silver! 🐦

I'm totally not late. I promise. My calendar is just off. For real tho, I kinda fell in love with Silver early on in the game's launch. He's got white hair, and apparently that's my steez. 

He reminds me of Shoto, but significantly less daddy issues. And those hands and arms. Holy Christmas. They're both just…

Anyways I'm gonna do the thing!

Silver ain't got much going on. That's pretty much it. He's just vibing and doing his thing which is fine. He's one of those characters that is around when you need him, but he won't be any trouble. So it seems. 

Why is he so damn sleepy?! Like, ha, ha, narcoleptic sleeping beauty, but I really wanna see the payoff soon. Like, how fucked would it be if it was a curse and not a medical thing? Oooh that would be fun!

I also can't wait to see his special magic. I bet it's something that's kinda cool despite what he says. The wiki says he, rook and kalim are the only ones with light magic, which kinda speaks to their character, no? Maybe it's something defensive? Since he's gonna be the prince's bodyguard, I would guess that he'd dedicate himself to making magic that serves that purpose. 

Ooh I love that he picked Deuce as his baby brother. And that's not because I love him. Well, okay yeah I love Deuce, but his reasoning gives me the honeyglows. I should save that gushing, but I think it highlights just how much they both love their parents, especially being raised as only children to single parents. It's one of those things that greatly impacts a kid's life even if they don't notice it.

As a fellow only child, I've been raised by my mom with the help from others. It hasn't been easy, but my mom is someone that I love and want to show gratitude towards. Silver and his dad have a close bond, and I think that their relationship is rather sweet. 

I wonder when and how Lilia found Silver. Clearly he was an infant if he still needed a name. I also wonder how sheltered Silver is. When I read his first interview, it comes off as if he doesn't know any fairies aside from his pops, Sebek and Mal. Silver wasn't really exposed to the world until he went to high school. He had a fit when he finally noticed that he was adopted, or rather it could have been bc of Lilia’s reaction. It was rather casual and Baby Silver probably took it wrong. He's a little slow to take hints/subtlety. When he finally noticed that his ears were nothing like his dad's, he probably had a range of emotions that confused him. And to be met with "lol yeah, you didn't notice?" probably didn't take it well. 

So maybe when he ran off, he had doubts about his relationship with Lilia. That sort of doubt seemed just as foreign to him too. And Lilia searching endlessly for him shows a lot. I'd imagine that Silver ran off in the woods a lot because he wanted to play, but this time was different. It felt serious for both of them and it strengthened their bond. 

Silver also turned out extremely humble. I've noticed that he is constantly seeking growth from every opportunity to the point where it may come off as if he doesn't think highly of his skills. And his voice lines certainly come off as such. "My greatest enemy really is myself." Like, okay, thanks for sharing. While he has an unwavering love and bond for his father, the disparages between fae and humans are sometimes obvious in other ways. Sure, Lilia is a war veteran, but even just looking at Sebek is probably enough of a reminder. He mentioned that he was surprised when Seb finally got taller than him. And knowing how egotistical (and racist) Sebek can be, he probably didn't let it go. 

He doesn't blame his family for his shortcomings. He blames himself. The longer I read through his wiki, I really am seeing insecurity and fear. Maybe that's just a trend with a chunk of the cast? Maybe some of it is projection but I know for sure Silver has it. He doesn't dress in any unique way, he lets his friends guide him, he 'has no preference' for most things. He just hangs out inoffensively. The boy doesn't really consider what he wants to do outside of helping others. His cause is mostly dedicated to Malleus. 

He fears his mortality, his humanness. It's something he can't opt out of or change and it bothers him. He's a full blooded human, shortcomings and all. And if Mal or his fat-Lilia ever raised a hand against him willingly, he wouldn't be able to do shit even if he wanted to. He wouldn't defend himself because he would feel they were justified in some way. Fae are fickle creatures, often petty and quick to piss off. So he does what he can to be there for them but not upset them. He loves them and fears their might, which is what we can infer from his Halloween story. 

His Halloween story is really hitting me hard. This is where we see him open up to somebody. Cater and Jamil have their own interpretation of Silver and it's because he doesn't show us exactly what he's thinking. As a Taurus, he really just…won't tell you unless you ask. A little less stubborn than Epel, who will probably hold back on telling someone his feelings until that trust is established. Silver just takes it and apparently dwells on situations when it gets too real for him. It's actually really sad, especially when Cater shares how he deals with losing his friends. They're under the assumption that they won't keep in touch with at least some of their school friends. Which is kind of true with high school. You usually only keep one or two friends when you graduate, but I kind of hope that he and Kalim stay in touch. They seem to be the closest through their shared naiveté and innocence. 

What do I want to see from Silver? Well, I want him to have more faith in himself. He's just as skilled as his peers and he worked his ass off to get that skill. On top of that, he deserves more praise. I think Silver does things without expecting it, but his self esteem needs the outside reassurance. NRC really isn't a good place for him because everyone only ever praises themselves. He's out of his element because he's not used to people being assholes (same goes for Kalim) so the validation is a little scarce. 

Also, I hope someone finds out Lilia’s his dad one day. I need that comedic shock desperately. 

And with that being said,

Happy Birthday, Silver! 🐦

[luzurasdiary]

I want to like my loneliness again

I broke up with two friends a couple of months ago because they did something that hurted me a lot. The worst is that they ve been hurting me for so long but I ignored it because I didn´t want to leave them. Kinda I felt like they were the only ones who really accepted me, we had a lot in common and they listened to me about my special interests. They didn´t judge. I miss that so much.

When I was younger I used to be really lonely, I always were the weird nerd girl. I had a couple of friends who I used to talk to about some things but I never felt like they know everything because they wouldn´t get it. Also I never seen them a lot beacuse they all were from school, so in summer I was mostly alone. I didn´t just get used to it, but I enjoy must of times my loneliness. I had a lot of things to do and I was happy doing it alone, things that others maybe would made fun of. I spend my days with my imaginary friends, creating storys, reading and watching movies. I never really felt alone because I liked to be with me.

But in these two friends I found someone I could be just like I was when I were a kid and they didn´t judge. They were better than being alone, most of times. 

I fell in love with them.

We even started to... doing things that friends don´t do. I had hopes of something else, because this all was new for me and I never thought it was a game. They knew my real feelings.

The problem started when I started feeling lonely again but when I was with them. Every sleep over I started to cry, even when I was drunk, and I didn´t undestand. 

I was lonely again but I hated it. I hated myself because I thought that was just my mind. But I was right, I was being left behind. And they lied to me for two years, the two years I cried when a I was sleeping with them. They not only let me think I was being paranoic, but also started making feel like I was a kid. Like they really infantalize me and my feelings but them make do things that aren´t for kids, if you understand. I was feeling the worst. But I couldn´t stop being with them because I didn´t wanna be phisically lonely. It was killing me.

Finally I decided to cut them off. Maybe I was wrong but I don´t care. I´m feeling better and even think about su i ci de a lot less. But I still miss them so fucking much. I find myself wanting to talk about all this things I can´t talk with anyone else. I can´t enjoy them alone like I used to. Now being alone feels awful to me.

I want that kid who used to spent months with not really a lot of people besides her family and was okay with that. I want to watch movies without the need of tell someone to watch it. I want to learn everything about a random topic and don´t feel the need to have someone who listen to me. I want stop feeling like loneliness is eating me. I want to be my best friend again.

I truly think they loved me and that´s the worst part. But I can´t stand being lied, they knew that. And maybe I couldn´t stand not being loved like I wanted. Maybe I was the problem, I was making it toxic. I don´t know. 

But if I could, I would erase them from my memory because that would bring back myself who never had no one but wasn´t sad about it.

Anyway, I don´t think someone is gonna read this, I just wanna get it off my chest. And if you do it, sorry if theres any mistake, englinsh isnt my first language. and sorry if somthing does not have sense, i skipped a lot of details lol

[hatterstan-shameblog]

Okay so Aguni is sound asleep, just enjoying the few hours of peace he has, when there's a knock on the door. He ignores it, but the person just keeps knocking and knocking.

"Morizono, open the goddamn door!" he hears Takeru call, "This is an emergency!"

He groans to himself before standing up and opening the door.

"What?"

"So, remember that weird chonky cat Niragi found?"

"Yeah... what about it?"

"It's not fat... and is not a cat."

Where Hatter and apparently every other idiot at the Beach mistake a domesticated pregnant genet for a fat exotic cat. And it just gave birth on Hatter's bed.

I have no idea in what direction this is supposed to go lol but hopefully something chaotic.

alright I had to look up what a genet is and DAMN they are CUTE AS HELL and I’m love them v much

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Terminator

Rating: PG-13 for dialogue and like one drug reference

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Aguni Morizono is a simple man who enjoys simple pleasures.

He enjoys a healthy slathering of grape jelly on his toast. He enjoys watching the sunset reflect over the ocean. He enjoys watering his garden and reading the newspaper and taking naps on the sofa on Sunday afternoons after he’s finished his grocery shopping for the week.

What he does not particularly enjoy is being shaken awake by a borderline-frantic Takeru in the middle of the night.

Takeru insists that he has a good reason; that this is an emergency. Aguni reminds him that running out of marijuana does not qualify as an emergency, and pulls the blanket over his head in an attempt to shut the very exuberant man out.

But the aforementioned exuberant man refuses to be shut out, and he references the aforementioned emergency again—this time insisting that it is an actual real emergency and requires immediate attention. Aguni sincerely doubts this and tries his damnedest to fall back to sleep—a truly Herculean task, given Takeru’s incessant talking and the way he’s bouncing on the other side of the mattress like some kind of weird large puppy. Aguni is just about to enter the first misty moments of dozing off as Takeru says words like ‘Niragi’ and ‘cat’ and ‘bed’ and it’s all somewhat possible to ignore until he utters one word that makes Aguni sit straight up.

‘Babies.’

Now, ‘babies’ as a concept does not bother Aguni. He’s actually somewhat fond of them, the way they unabashedly stare at him on the train or in the park, eyes wide and fat little hands waving a clumsy ‘hello’ in his general direction. And if he waves back sometimes, well...that’s his business. (It’s only polite, after all.)

No, the issue here is that ‘babies’ and ‘the Borderlands’ sounds like a terrible, terrible mix. What’s worse is that said babies have, for some reason, been left in Takeru’s care. And, judging from Takeru’s presence in his room, the babies have been left alone.

It takes no time at all for Aguni to throw on a pair of pants and slip into his boots. It takes even less time for him to grab Takeru by the collar of his robe and physically drag him down the hall, the other man switching between heartfelt thank-you’s and desperate pleas for Aguni to be gentle when handling the raw silk of his ensemble.

Now, to those of us on the outside of Aguni’s brain, it may seem like he hasn’t thought this through; that he has tunnel-vision’d his way through the last two paragraphs without a logical thought as to how and why ‘babies’ may be present. That is simply not true. Aguni has considered that ‘babies’ could actually mean a number of things aside from ‘human infants’ and has thus compiled a short list of the three most likely candidates:

The spider plant he had placed on Takeru’s windowsill has propagated—or, as some would call it, ‘had babies.’ This is Aguni’s favorite option of the bunch. It is also the least likely.

Something about the cards. Although Aguni has never Takeru refer to them as ‘his babies,’ it is no secret that he is very protective of his prized collection. Seeing as this may or may not affect the entire Beach, it’s important for him to be aware of the situation.

Takeru is high as a goddamn kite and hallucinating. This is, unfortunately, the most likely scenario.

It is also important to mention that Aguni has taken a good look at his life and his choices throughout this ordeal, particularly when Takeru commented on the state of his biceps and made an off-color insinuation about the right one looking slightly more defined than the left—and then asked if he would like to discuss his love life, with an exaggerated raise of his eyebrows. Aguni chose not to comment. He also chose to push Takeru into the doorframe on the way into his suite, and took a smidge of pleasure when his head collided with the wood with a satisfying clunk-ing sound.

“Look,” Takeru says proudly, pointing a finger at the bed, “babies!”

Nestled in what a bulging nest of fluffy white blankets are...things. Fuzzy things. One big fuzzy thing, with sleepy eyes and what looks to be a long spotted tail wrapped around one, two, three tiny fuzzy things. When Aguni leans in to get a closer look, the big one quirks a corn-chip-shaped ear and gives him a wary glare.

“What,” Aguni asks, “in the goddamn—“

But before Aguni is able to finish his sentence, Takeru is giving him a stinging slap on the arm.

“Aguni Morizono,” he hisses, hands balled into fists and perched on his hips like a mother hen, “I will not have my children exposed to that kind of language.”

There are plenty of things wrong with what Takeru just said, but Aguni is having trouble getting past the idea that these...creatures have somehow been claimed by his very silly friend.

“Think about it,” Takeru continues, swanning his way past a very confused (and tired) Aguni to sit on the edge of the bed just behind the brood of fluffy individuals, “This lovely lady could have given birth on anyone’s bed...but she chose mine.  Why do you think that is?”

“Because you leave the sheets all balled up in the middle and it’s the perfect place for an animal to make a nest?”

“Wrong, but I like how confident you sounded when you said it!”

With his hands pressed together and held in front of his lips, Takeru looks almost prayerful as he very seriously explains his theory.

“A woman alone-- heavily pregnant, scared, and lost in these cold and cruel Borderlands.  Her thoughts shift to her young.  Who will keep them safe?  Who will help take care of them?  That’s when her instincts took over,” Takeru opens his arms, the silken cuffs of his robe pooling around his elbows, “and, using her superior sense of smell, followed her nose to the den of the nearest alpha male for protection.”

Aguni wishes he could say that this is the dumbest thing he’s ever heard. He also wishes he had a cup of coffee (with a healthy glug of Bailey’s in there for good measure) before this whole event took place.

Takeru has since busied himself with the tiny new mother and her young, watching with gentle fascination as the newborns snuffle and snooze against her with unopened eyes and clumsy paws. When he reaches out a ring-bedecked hand to stroke along the bigger one’s head, she gives him a small growl and a pointed glare—to which he laughs and withdraws his touch, saying something cheeky about “the last time she let a man get too close” and quickly following it up with a promise to talk about it “after the kids are asleep.”

Takeru has just held up his hand for a high-five (which Aguni has decided to not reciprocate) when they hear a crash and then a bang and then the thundering thumpthumpthump of angry booted footsteps rapidly approaching their position in the bedroom. For some reason—a reason he’s not very keen to dwell upon at the current moment—Aguni instantly snaps into defense mode, hands curling into fists and shoulders squaring themselves in anticipation of a coming attack.

“WHERE. IS. TERMINATOR!?”

Niragi bursts into the room like a firework, all noise and flash and fire in his eyes. His knuckles strain around the dark of his rifle, ready to shoot at a moment’s notice. Of course, Aguni knows (hopes) he won’t actually resort to filling Takeru full of bullets, but he keeps a close eye on his trigger finger, anyways.

“Ah! There’s my co-parent,” Hatter says with a measure of glee, gesturing with a flourish of his hand towards the cute, hairy pile on his bed, “As you can see, our lovely Terminator is doing very well and—“

“Our? She’s not fucking ours, she’s fucking mine,” Niragi snaps, “and I’m gonna fucking kill you for stealing my cat.”

“Not a cat,” a calm voice says, and Aguni turns to see Last Boss lurking in the doorway, katana sheathed and arms crossed, “She’s a common genet, native to the savanna’s of Africa.”

“Ooh, does that mean the babies have dual citizenship? No, wait,” Hatter claps his hands together with glee, “triple citizenship? Africa, Japan, and the Borderlands?!”

“Africa’s not a country, it’s a continent, dumbass,” Niragi retorts, “and I think we have bigger problems than what’s going to be on their fucking passports.”

It’s probably not the best thing in the world for Aguni to let Takeru and Niragi descend into heated bickering—a back-and-forth of ‘you stole her’ versus ‘no, she chose me’—but Aguni is simply not interested in breaking up their squabbling. Instead he goes to stand by Last Boss, who’s watching the two long-haired men argue like it’s a mildly interesting tennis match.

“So,” Aguni says, “you, uh, seem to know a lot about those things.”

“I did my research when Niragi first brought her back,” Last Boss says calmly, “He’s good with her, but I wanted to make sure we were taking care of her correctly.”

“Did you know she was pregnant?”

“I had my suspicions. Niragi wouldn’t listen, though. Kept telling me she was just fat.”

“Yeah, I thought she was ‘just fat,’” Niragi interjects, his gun no longer pointed at Takeru but a murderous gleam still in his eye, “because this fucking asshole kept feeding her potato chips!”

“Because she loves them,” Takeru shouts back, throwing his arms up in the air, “So shoot me for being a nice guy and sharing my snacks with your weird cat!”

“Don’t,” both Last Boss and Aguni say in unison—which is very uncomfortable for the both of them, but at least it has the desired effect of keeping Niragi from blasting a few dozen holes through Takeru’s person.

With the two of them quickly getting back into their heated back-and-forth, Aguni turns his attention to the creatures on the bed. Somehow, despite all of the noise and excitement, the mother and her babies have curled up and fallen asleep, the rhythmic rise and fall of their bellies a stark contrast to the chaos unfolding around them. Aguni feels jealous, but also, feels bad about feeling jealous because this...Terminator thing has undoubtedly had a rough night, too.

“Luckily,” Last Boss says, “genets are pretty independent creatures. She’ll be fine to take care of the kits on her own, provided that she has access to food and water.”

“So we should just...leave her alone?”

Last Boss shrugs.

“More or less.”

Aguni sighs internally. He sighs externally, too, but the internal sigh is the one that really sums up his thoughts on the whole situation. Just getting one of those hot-headed men to leave those poor animals alone is challenging enough, but both of them? That’s bordering on ‘damn near impossible.’

But, for the sake of those weird fuzzy babies, he has to try.

Takeru jumps when he feels Aguni’s hand on his elbow. He also manages to shut up for a moment, which is a nice bonus. Last Boss has also sprung into action and seems to be talking to Niragi in hushed tones, a hesitant but friendly hand on his shoulder.

“C’mon,” Aguni says, gentle-firm as he guides Takeru into a standing position—much to the other man’s confusion.

“Mori, what—?”

“You’ve had a big night. I’ve had a big night. But do you know whose had the biggest night of us all?” Aguni gestures to the snoozing creatures in front of them, “Terminator. She’s exhausted, and the last thing she needs is the four of us keeping her up. You can stay with me tonight, and we’ll figure the rest out tomorrow.”

“But,” Takeru protests—an iota quieter, now that he’s realized that the pipe on the bed is now a sleeping pile, “we can’t just leave them alone, can we?”

“You’re right. Which is why,” Aguni says, “Last Boss is going to stay with her and keep an eye on things. If he’s okay with that, of course?”

Last Boss offers a solemn nod. Aguni makes a mental note to thank him for this later—maybe he’ll let him pick the music on their next supply run (provided it’s from Aguni’s list of pre-approved artists, of course...)

“You know what? Fucking fine,” Niragi spits, flicking his hair back with a quick jerk of his hand, “it’s too goddamn late to deal with you fucking losers, anyways. I’ll come back to collect my cat and her kittens in the morning.”

Aguni does not risk correcting Niragi on his incorrect terminology regarding his pets—frankly, he’s a little too busy being amazed at how suspiciously easy it was to get him to leave. With a sharp pivot, Niragi is exiting the room in what could be called a ‘brisk saunter,’ no doubt wanting to put as much distance between himself and whatever-the-hell just happened in this room as possible.

Aguni, for once, can relate to Niragi quite well.

With Last Boss keeping vigil over the new little family, Aguni is able to wrangle Takeru away from his room with minimal fuss. It’s probably because the man is very tired—despite multiple claims that he ‘isn’t sleepy yet’ and ‘can stay up for hours.’ This theory is proven when, within a grand total of seven seconds of Takeru flopping face-first onto the middle of Aguni’s bed, he’s managed to slip into what only can be described as a ‘light coma.’

Aguni manages to wrestle a stray pillow away from his sleeping friend’s grasp (he’s a notoriously cuddly sleeper, which has led to some...interesting situations over the course of their friendship) and settles his weary self onto the couch. It’s not quite long enough to accommodate his height, but it’s good enough for what will most likely end up being an extended nap before the sun comes up and he needs to solve whatever other issues have popped up at the Beach overnight.

...But, at least those problems won’t involve babies.

Probably.

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Also here is a common genet and DAMN SIS U CUTE AS HELL

[kuraiandroger]

Diasomnia Relationship Headcanons

Basically what the title says, they’re my favorite dorm and I’ve projected on them a lot so I hope I’m not alone in how I see these dynamics </3 Enjoy!

 Lilia and Malleus

I see them as parent and child, even though Malleus seems to want to hide that sometimes. It’s probably because of his title and his age gap with the other children in the “family”  that maybe he feels embarrassed about Lilia doting on him, but oh well. I still see him as a child compared to Lilia (despite the fact that he literally is lol) because he seems to be a lot less present in the kids’ lives, and we’ve gotten several glimpses of his apparent emotional immaturity (Avoiding his problems, throwing “lightning tantrums”, sulking, etc). Paired with the fact that Lilia covers for him a LOT while still acknowledging these issues he has... I just can’t see them as equals lol. I only see a father and his very mildly unruly lol son. U_U It’s okay Malmal I know you’re trying your best.

Lilia and Silver

A rather similar relationship to Lilia and Malleus, to be honest. It’s just a lot more open, and I suspect that’s because Silver is sort of young and he doesn’t really have anyone else he’d rather run off with. His temperament is different than Malleus to an extent; Silver doesn’t strike me as a child with a single rebellious bone in his body, so he has no problems hanging out with and admiring his old man. I like to think Lilia had a very tender bond with both of his sons when they were infants, and some of that shows still in his relationship with Silver. They are just good ol dad and son (but really, dad, I’m fine with doing the cooking for tonight).

Lilia and Sebek

Sebek himself has called Lilia his mentor, and I really think that’s the basis of what they are, but I also think Lilia takes some of the liberty of acting like a dad to Sebek too sometimes. I believe Sebek was very present in Silver’s childhood so he is comfortable with Lilia’s authority. A good example of this was when Lilia told Sebek to use a quieter voice in Sam’s shop, much like the way a parent would scold their child lol. Sebek, too, while admittedly gullible, seems to heed Lilia’s advice with great respect, such as when he showed the other first years his secret natto ingredient that he’d heard was good from Lilia.

Malleus and Silver

Contrary to what most people think (due to Malleus’ status as Silver’s guardian), I don’t entirely see him as “Silver’s other dad.” Here’s where I start projecting lmao because I had a sibling who was many years older than me myself, so I sort of get the “older sibling who I respect because they are that much older than me but I also barely know them” vibe from these two. I am sure that Malleus took responsibility for Silver when needed, but it’s just really obvious to me that Lilia is the primary parent and Mal almost certainly looked to him for advice. I dunno, I could be completely wrong about this one, but I am just rather hung up on Lilia still viewing Malleus as his child despite the fact that he is long grown and therefore Malleus doesn’t seem to place the same priority on parenting Silver that Lilia does (which, yeah, I realize could very well be because of Malleus’ title and all). 

Some people have said it could’ve been out of respect, but I’ve also taken into account how little Silver seems to acknowledge Malleus as anything more than his liege (he didn’t even know very much about Malleus’ interest in gargoyles which....blows my mind a little lol) and really calls Lilia his father instead. There is a peculiar blend of comfort and distance between Malleus and Silver that I personally don’t entirely see as a parent-child dynamic </3. For the most part, I just see these two as distant age-gap siblings wherein the older one might’ve helped raise the younger one but was too much older than the younger sibling to really connect with them  (This could change during the Diasomnia chapter, but yeah). TL;DR: Distant older sibling Mal, as evidenced by Lilia’s much higher influence as the true “father” figure.

Malleus and Sebek

A pretty obvious lord-and-knight dynamic here lol. Malleus seems pretty indifferent to Sebek’s devotion, but Sebek still wants to impress him anyways. I’m sure Malleus just lets him do whatever because Sebek’s a little kid to him lmao

Silver and Sebek

This one! My favorite one! Their sibling-like dynamic really stands out to me because again, I have lived it lmao. I like to see them as a sibling rivalry because it’s very refreshing to see within a piece of media that also focuses on sibling characters that do get along (the Leeches, etc). These two tend to bicker, and they only hang out when they have to (such as when the whole family is together, or when they’re at their school club), and seem to have their own separate social lives despite knowing a lot about each other. I’ve noticed they also pick on each other for things the other cannot control (such as Sebek’s “annoying” voice, or Silver’s sleep disorder). As someone who has a sibling I really don’t get along with sometimes, it just hits home lol.

I’ve noticed that something else us bratty siblings will do, is tend to ignore any traits we have in common in favor of shaming the things we don’t share... Which is very much something that Sebek and Silver do to one another. In reality, I really do think they have rather similar personalities, but the fact that each one expresses it so differently causes them to fight (for example, Silver and Sebek are both very blunt but careful individuals, yet their level of enthusiasm for what they do is a source of conflict). Despite this, sibling rivalry-dynamic characters will still have moments where they get along, such as when they share an activity, like swordfighting.

I like to think that while Sebek is quite literally just Silver’s childhood friend, they have reached a level of comfort (and annoyance) with one another after years of growing up together that their dynamic manifests the way argumentative siblings do, and I love that for them.

---

SOOO uh, thank you for reading if you did! This is my first text post in a really long time, please be nice to me if you happen to disagree with any of this, it’s just headcanons! Sorry if it’s a bit wordy at times too, I like to shove as much in as I can. </3 Anywho, we’ll get a better scope when Diasomnia’s chapter releases someday, haha. 

[kaiserin-astraia]

NieR's Project Gestalt

So after several nights losing sleep over this, I decided to write down my biggest issue with the NieR series: project gestalt. It’s pretty unanimously agreed by fans that project gestalt was probably the worst plan in the history of plans, executed in the laziest way possible. And yet, I couldn't help but obsess over how project gestalt could have been salvaged, even after the events of ending E of nier replicant.

This is the part where I say: I’m going to spoiling the hell out of NieR: Replicant and in some capacity NieR: Automata. If you don’t want to be spoiled, then get out now — that being said, if you’re sticking around anyway, I’ll be attempting to give summaries and explanations to concepts in the games that are relevant, so that we are all on the same page. also also I only know the high level details of the Drakengard series & won't be touching on it much.

So. What the hell was project gestalt?

Project gestalt was the terrible and last ditch effort to save humanity from a widespread pandemic called white chlorination syndrome, or WCS. WCS was caused by a literal inter dimensional fight between a red dragon and demon baby thing that resulted in the death of both and the deterioration of their corpses causing salt (also called Maso particles) to fall from the sky. If you got infected, the Cult of the Watchers gave you the choice of losing your free will and fighting for them as a soldier in the Legion, or turning into a pile of salt and dying. BrandonSP has a wonderful video talking about the Legion and the Nier universe leading up to the events of Nier: Replicant that I’ll link if you want to know more about this history (here), but all you need to know is: humanity is on the brink of extinction and the planet is no longer inhabitable in its current state.

Project Gestalt discovered that the way humans could escape extinction is by separating their souls from their bodies — the soul having no physical form is immortal & immune to maso, while the body without a soul can't become infected, because there’s no consciousness to force into a demon deal, I guess. You know, I realized while writing this that it’s not clear why separating soul from body actually worked to prevent WCS, but whatever it worked because Yoko Taro Said So.

However, separating body from soul was no easy task; upon doing so, most people’s souls would instantly go berserk, turning into mindless violent entities. The first success was the playable character of Nier: Replicant, who I’m going to call Nier. Upon this first success, the governments of the world convinced / coerced him into cooperating with the Project, and he became the cornerstone for all the “gestalts” aka the souls separated from their bodies.

Just to keep everyone up to pace, gestalts are the souls separated from their bodies, otherwise known as “shades” in Nier: Replicant.

So Project Gestalt’s planned chain of events was as followed:

1. All remaining humans would undergo gestalt-ing 2. The resulting replicants (aka, the soulless bodies) and androids would fight and defeat the legion & clean up the planet so that it was habitable again … which meant containing or eradicating the leftover maso covering the planet. 3. Once ready for rehabilitation, Grimoire Weiss and Grimoire Nior would merge into each other, causing all gestalt souls to snap into their respective replicants starting with Nier 4. Profit. Seems a simple plan, right? Well, not even a single step of that plan worked. By the end of Nier: Replicant ending E, Nier’s Gestalt, aka the shadow lord, has been killed by his own replicant; the replicants have gained sentience and I would argue their own souls, and many gestalts have relapsed into becoming violent, nonsensical entities. The insta-snap grimoires are dead, too, and-- Oh there’s the tiny issue that when a gestalt relapses, their corresponding replicant gets something called the “black scrawl”, a painful and terminal disease. Once a gestalt relapses or dies, their replicant can’t be recreated (well... mostly) and because the original gestalt, the shadow lord, is dead, all the other gestalts are doomed to eventually relapse or die as well, and thus humanity goes extinct. This is where I call bullshit. There’s little known about the time period between Nier: Replicant and Nier: Automata— especially the time of the gestalt and replicants decline. The game(s) leads you to believe that nothing can be done because the soul snapping Grimoires are dead and so is the original gestalt. However, there is tons of evidence in the game itself that implies it’s not so simple, and truly the true tragedy is that simply, everyone gave up — or more likely, Yoko Taro didn’t want us to think this hard, lol. Well TOO BAD, I can’t stop thinking about it so finally let’s actually talk about how to save humanity. First of all, I read on Reddit how it seems to be that the androids Devola and Popula are only two units, and with their demise in Nier: Replicant that project gestalt is doomed to failure. However, Nier: Automata clearly talks about how there were several Devola and Popula model pairs in different cities/continents. There’s no way that only our Devola and Popula in Nier: Replicant knew how to merge a gestalt with its replicant; such vital information would be stored in every android related to the project, and these models were quite literally created to oversee it. So. Idk why the hell the project was allowed to even get so disorganized, but regardless, after the the Shadow Lord and grimoires die, the remaining Devola and Popula units should have immediately made a plan B. There were several big issues with the state of the world before, so we’ll tackle them one by one for the biggest chance of success. 1. All relapsed gestalts need to be eradicated or contained. Their violence has lead replicants to attack them back and view them as monsters, leading to meaningless conflict. If the Devola and Popula units are programmed not to harm the gestalts because they are the 'true humans', they need to make new units ala A2 or 2B to take care of it. Because we know that android technology is already there, evidenced by the Memory Tree, and Devola and Popula, it follows this is definitely possible.

2. There should be three divisions of research made as follows:

2.1 Research into the effects of mismatched replicants merged with gestalts, like Kaine. Because the clock is ticking, there’s unfortunately no time to gawk at morals. Taking volunteers, even 1 success could be the difference between extinction or survival.

2.2 Creating and housing “iced” or “stasis” gestalts, while replicant bodies are “grown” for them. Because replicants have formed their own identities, they should try to create/raise replicants completely asleep/comatose. If not this, research into putting gestalts into their proper replicants at infant stage can be tried. (Note: replicants were infertile, hence why replicants had to be made, not born of sexual reproduction. Yoko Taro said that replicants couldn’t reproduce because they didn’t have their souls, however I think this was just a comment said to cover a plot hole.)

2.3 Research into whether replicants truly have souls or not, and whether something can be done to allow them to reproduce. Regarding the soul issue, it’s heavily implied that the Memory Tree, having absorbed the memories of so many replicants, began growing a soul of its own (that Nier killed, thinking it was a shade, oops). Now, how is that possible? It shouldn’t be, unless the replicants had made their own or unless a soul being created was possible. If we want to get fancy, a fourth division could be organized to study Emil and the weapons project that experimented on him, with an emphasis on how to either reverse the effects or if any information can be gleaned from them regarding the soul.

2.4 Black scrawl 2 electric boogaloo: it’s said in the project gestalt files that they couldn’t find a cure or reason for this phenomenon, but if we’re trying to cover our bases, another research division should be created to investigate and attempt to cure it. It seems to be a magical malady, so I wonder if Emil would be able to help... or even Kaine.

3. (Moving along...) More androids should be created to build cities / homes / areas of civilization for the newly reformed humans to re-habitat. This is said to be a goal of the androids in Nier: Automata, and they were doing a piss poor job — maybe if they got started earlier they’d have a better shot. The replicants were/are already living in medieval levels of squalor and poverty, which is ridiculous considering the android's technology is so advanced.

4. No more lies: though in my plan, replicants shouldn’t have to be created except to be possessed, but if they are created and allowed to mature into a sentient age, replicants should be educated and informed about the truth of their existence — this is for many reasons. First, that way replicants will be less likely to fear and attack shades they see; two, worst comes to worst, they may be more willing to share their bodies with their gestalts and who knows? Maybe they’d merge naturally. Three, no replicant would be allowed to get strong enough to defeat an android (or two -- seriously, what were the twins thinking letting Nier get so powerful?).

Hopefully this makes it very obvious that the death of humanity was entirely the fault of Project Gestalt itself and the androids meant to oversee it -- at least the androids have the excuse of being programmed to act a certain way, but still. It's so frustrating that we just have to accept that humanity was doomed even though, by its own lore, there was a lot that could have been done to attempt to save humans. Like, I love you, Yoko Taro, but gees.

anyway if you've read all this I'm so sorry but also I'm REALLY interested to hear what y'all think about the Nier universe and it's facets. idek why I've got such deep brainworms but here we are.

P.S. As of writing this, I've played some Nier: Reincarnation and it just further implies that the way they created and treated replicants was both A) awful, holy shit, it's so bad, and B) ill-advised on every level. I don't want to spoil but good lord. Honestly, I think at this point YT just wants to express/nail home that humanity was doomed to fail because of its own cruelty and flaws. ok ill shut up now bye love u

[darlingwrecks]

Do you have a list of fic recs? x

Oh, good question! With a long answer, because when have I ever been concise. So, I generally avoid doing fic recs, because something about it makes me vaguely uncomfortable…which is clearly related to my I Want Everyone To Like Me And Don’t Want To Hurt Anyone’s Feelings complex). Instead, I’m just going to share ones I’ve read in the past year (since resurfacing in the fandom after like a ~9 year hiatus…also, some of these are WIPs) that have stuck with me, and therefore, I highly recommend. I pretty much exclusively read Grey’s/PP stuff (and am pretty selective about what I read), but if you’re a Law & Order: SVU fan, I really enjoyed this Olivia/Elliot fic, in this twilight our choices seal our fate (remix version…there is also an original 2013 version to it), by openended.

I’m just doing the title, author, and pairing due to sheer laziness, but I do recommend all of these with big levels of enthusiasm. I am grouping them by author. All are available on AO3, unless otherwise stated. I’ve linked to the author profiles rather than individual fics, because, again, lazy:

openended: church of scars – Addison-centric, with Addison/Mark and Addison/Derek…mainly Addison plus ghosts though, and I am so excited about this one. dropsonde (singers in a lower choir remix) – Addison/Alex, Meredith/Derek, with some Addison/Derek at the beginning. This is a redux version of the original dropsonde, which is also phenomenal (and fun fact, how I originally met Sara…14 years of friendship and still going strong).

winter_machine (alternate title: a darlingwrecks/evil-redhead love letter to winter_machine, but it’s not my fault she has an entire wonderful library for me to read) Break My Fall – Addison/Mark The Climbing Way – Addison/Derek (on FF.net – same user name) When I Grow Up – Addison/Mark and Meredith/Derek. Chapters alternate from Addison and Mark’s perspectives…and honestly, find me a better Addison/Mark fic. I’ll wait. (on FF.net – same user name) Take Your Life and Light it Up – Meredith/Derek primarily, but some Addison/Mark too, and Mark/Derek friendship (on FF.net – same user name) Six Miles High – Addison/Derek The Only Thing That Gets a Little Complicated – Addison/Derek Potential Life – Addison, with Addison/Mark (on FF.net – same user name) Eleven – Addison, with Addison/Derek, Addison/Mark, Addison/Alex, Addison/the other men who have seen her naked (on FF.net – same user name)

LittleTay entangled – Addison/Derek and Addison/Mark, with Maddek friendship Don’t Kill Your Darlings – Addison/Mark

Dangerosa Hamartia – Addison/Meredith

Also, here is a link to all of my old stuff that a reader saved (I kept a few of my works when I sort of “exited” fandom, but I also deleted a lot). I’m most proud of “On Your Shore” from the list of available docs (possibly next on the redux list, but I’m having a hell of a time imagining anything of mine ever reaching Atlas-level good, rewrite or new). I’m always hesitant to share this link, because the writing is…fine. Fine, but not great (some may disagree, but it always baffled me that I was considered a BNF back in the day…I’d say I was better than the average writer, yes, and understood the characters better than the average writer, but…yeah). Anyway, I’m older, wiser, and a much better writer now. The original MTGOF (the one I was most known for) makes me full-body cringe, and the redux version is like fifty times better (though if it wasn’t such a big undertaking, I’d go back and fix a lot of grammatical things for that, too. I was basically October 2020 Years Old when I realized, “You know what, that sentence should definitely not end with a comma.”). I will also just add, because I’d hate myself if I didn’t: anything related to an infant sleep environment in my old stuff isn’t actually safe, and I’m deeply ashamed of that, which is amplified by personal experiences (but again: older and wiser). (And while I’m on the subject – sorry anon, I know you did not ask for all of this lol, and obviously this is directed to everyone – stop using DockATots).

[qwertyfingers]

faith healer, come lay your hands on me

here’s a snippet from the self indulgent traumatism (trauma and autism) fic if anyone wants to read it lol. Sam and Cas love to have have problems in the middle of the night. Gen, 2k words, warning for discussions of food scarcity and calming someone down from a panic attack, nothing graphic though. Set in a nebulous late-seasons time period because I respect canon literally not at all. 

It’s the middle of the night, sometime between Dean’s custom of falling asleep on his keyboard and Sam shepherding them both to bed, but before his nightly waking up from a nightmare to wander around the bunker checking the wards. Cas is in the kitchen wiping away mostly-imaginary detritus from the counters when Sam finds him; wild-eyed and looking frayed at the seams. He nods at Cas, but nothing follows it. He just stands there in the centre of the room shaking slightly. His eye sockets look like bruises.

Cas tilts his head and squints, considering, “Are you alright, Sam?”

Sam startles in a big way. Huffs breaths in and out of his nose, forehead crinkling with the effort. “What? I. yeah I���m- I’m fine.” He pauses for a few seconds though, hands twisting at the edges of his shirt like they do when he’s worrying. He makes several aborted attempts to keep talking, each less successful than the last. Kicks gently at a table leg and scowls to himself.  “It is fine it’s just...” but he doesn’t continue, just starts gesturing with his hands, like he’s run out of words.

Cas turns back to his cleaning, watches Sam filter through all of his most common nervous gestures in the edges of his vision, seemingly not comforted by any of them. He clenches his hands, drags them over his jaw and face, tugs his hair through his fingers roughly. He bounces, frenetic, from foot to foot, socked feet making muffled tapping noises on the hard floor. Says nothing for a long time.

Cas doesn’t sleep much, so he measures his nighttimes in completed tasks rather than minutes and hours. He gets through wiping the surfaces, cleaning out the sink, and setting the dishwasher to its self-clean cycle, before he hears anything from Sam.

When he does finally speak, the words seem to burst out of him all at once, quiet but tense and all in a rush — pressured speech it was called, in the books Cas had been reading. He figured at least one person in the bunker should know about trauma’s effects, and twelve years’ experience had taught him it wouldn’t be the Winchesters.

“You know, when Dean and me were kids we- we didn’t always have a lot to eat. A lot of the time we didn’t have enough to eat. And Dean would… Dean would always feed me first.” He stops and takes a heaving breath, then three, hands clenching and unclenching arhythmically in front of him. They’re hovering just above the kitchen counter without touching, arms held awkwardly aloft like he doesn’t know where to put them. He’s curled forward, and down, head and shoulders hunched in. He looks pained.

The instinct to make oneself small learned from a childhood desperately trying to hide from the reality of his own life. Cas has long since chased away the instinct to get angry about their life before he knew them, but he never stops feeling the sadness of it. There is a deep well of agony that will never be truly told.

“The portions were already so small and he’d- he’d do this thing where he’d, like, eat half his meal and pretend to be full so he could pass the rest on to me. Never took no for an answer. And of course at first I was too young to notice what he was really doing, but then I was twelve, thirteen, and he’d still feed me like I was-” Sam winces, coughs out a small laugh, grimaces, drags his left hand over his face. “God, like I was his son. His ‘baby boy’ he used to say. And he was so thin for so long and-” Sam stops himself here, looking winded. He taps the fridge door sixteen times with his right hand as he bites at his left thumbnail.

“And obviously we were both fine in the end, Dean’s big and he’s tough but. Sometimes I get this-” he interrupts himself to tug his hands through his hair, sharp, “god it sounds so stupid but I get this thought that. That if Dean hadn’t had to feed me he’d be as tall as I am now and I get all. Normally it’s fine and I just laugh it off because it’s so ridiculous it is a ridiculous thought.” There’s a wet catch in Sam’s throat, and he’s looking at Cas like he can’t tell if he’s about to laugh or cry.

Cas nods slowly, feeling sombre. “Dean is six feet and three quarter inches tall. He is hardly a small man, Sam.” He tries a small smile, to be encouraging, in-on-the-joke but not poking fun, but he can still never tell if he’s hitting the mark or not. A face has so many muscles, and only so much conscious control over them.

Sam surprises him by laughing and crying at the same time. “He’s six feet tall, and he’s one of the strongest humans I’ve ever met — despite being completely allergic to the concept of exercise and I hate him,” he rants, a hint of panic tingeing his voice purple, “so fucking much, and I’m so tired of his bullshit, and yet sometimes I startle awake at night in a panic convinced that I deprived him of his “true height” by having the audacity to be hungry.” The air quotes are a little twitchy, but the attempt to be funny is probably a good sign. Hopefully. Sam’s less prone to sarcasm as a cover for soul-crushing misery than his brother.

Sam starts rearranging the sauce bottles scattered by the stove, hands jerky with the motion. Cas notes in the back of his mind to put them back in place once Sam calms down — Dean needs the kitchen just so. He’s been prone to his own late night trips down memory lane, lately, and he doesn’t need the added stress of obsessive compulsive cleaning on top of it all.

“I told you it was stupid, Cas,” he splutters, and he’s fully crying now, teetering on the edge of hysterical. “Christ, I feel like such an infant.”

Done with the cleaning, Cas folds his cloth into a neat rectangle, hangs it carefully through the loop of the oven door handle as he passes by. He picks up a clean cloth from the pile in the cupboard below the sink too. He heads towards Sam, movements slow and careful to give him a chance to back away — Sam’s liable to startle like a rabbit even on his best days. Cas has been trying his hardest not to trigger it; the ‘fight/flight/freeze instinct’ as he’d learned. It’s helped him understand a lot of Sam and Dean’s reaction better. He only wishes he’d known about it sooner.

He presses his hand gently to the outside of Sam’s elbow, looks him in the eyes and holds his gaze steady. “It’s not foolish, Sam. But surely, your childhood was full of enough tragedy, that you needn’t add to it.”

Sam’s breathing is heavy and ragged, and his eyes are darting between Cas, and the walls, and the condiments he’s still twitching across the counter. He stops, breathes deep, tugs his long sleeves down over his hands and dabs at his wet face. He huffs a laugh between bouts of sobs, mutters something that sounds like “Yeah, yeah, doesn’t help me stop thinking it though,” but Cas can’t be entirely sure, because Sam’s speaking into his shirt cuffs with hands clamped tight over his mouth.

Cas moves his hand slowly from Sam’s elbow to his shoulder, leans in slow to bring his other arm around Sam’s back and hold him loose to his chest. Sam gasps loudly and sobs, wet, shoves his face into the front of Cas’ shoulder indelicately as he responds with his own arms. He clutches at the back of Cas’ coat and weeps, done with trying to hold it all in. He’s shaking less now, but it’s impossible to know whether it’s progress or if he’s turning further inward without seeing his face.

Cas pulls him closer and moves the hand on his back upwards, rubs it in slow, careful circles across his shoulder blades. Pressure is good, he’d read, especially with flashbacks. Pressure grounds you in the present; a small, physical beacon of something that’s unquestionably real. He’s not sure if Sam notices or appreciates it, but he’s not going to ask; doesn’t want to run the risk of making their home feel clinical.

It seems like the kind of crying where speaking wouldn’t help, so he lets it run its course. He keeps up the pressure at Sam’s back, and takes his palm to pet at Sam’s hair, something he’d seen Dean do so many times. Sam seems to jump at first, coughing once into Cas’ sodden shirt, but doesn’t move or ask him to stop, so after a long moment of awkwardly holding his hand still on top of his head he strokes his fingers out, and Sam sighs on the end of a gurgle.

Cas hears words now and then, ‘stupid’s and ‘christ’s and once, bafflingly, ‘fucking lucky charms’, but for the most part Sam seems content to simply cry until he stops. It’s not a quick thing. The air stills around them as Sam calms, gentled down from wracking gasps to sniffling tears, to simple heavy breaths.

Extricating himself is a clumsy affair even for Sam. His arms seem to catch, held in that clutching shape by the tension of the moment, and he has to slowly roll all of his joints loose. He unfurls slowly, like a flower in sunlight, until he stands back at full height. He does look brighter, now, and he carries the crackle of something almost like grace in him, Cas thinks. Peace always shines out of a person.

He grasps Cas’ upper arm for a moment, takes the offered cloth to dry his face before handing it back to Cas and gesturing at the front of his shirt. From the wry, wrinkled-nose smile he throws him as he steps away, Cas thinks he’s also realised the shirt is already a lost cause, but Cas pats himself down anyway, something to occupy his hands for a moment.

Sam leans back briefly to rest against the counter, then gets a different idea and twists around toward the cupboards. He takes out three cups, some chamomile tea, fills the kettle up to the line drawn on the side in red sharpie. “Thanks, Cas,” he whispers with his head in a cupboard, ears tinting red. “I - heh - think I needed that.” He huffs a laugh again, some genuine mirth in it now. “Sorry about your shirt.”

“It’s quite alright. How are you feeling?” Cas can feel himself gazing a little too intensely, watching for Sam’s reactions, but he’s not worried. They know eachother well enough now that Cas can predict what would happen if it got too much; Sam would tell him knock it out, would you, would punch him lightly on the upper arm. He’d most likely try to crack a joke that would land flat, because Sam and Cas have never understood eachother’s humour very well, even when Sam isn’t sleep deprived and beginning to fade at the edges. Cas would apologise and start cleaning again just to keep out of his way. Out of his hair, as Dean would say. These are familiar dances.

Cas also knows he’s not likely to do it though, that Sam is used to his staring. And then he’s blindsided by another thought — that Sam is used to him. His presence and his quirks and his whims. Cas feels himself smile at that, warm, knowing that it’s true. They’re standing in the kitchen, in their home, and Sam just got snot all over his shirt — the shirt he’ll have to wash, manually, and iron, because he’s not really an angel anymore, doesn’t have the grace to maintain his signature look without effort anymore. The shirt that he’ll still choose to put on each morning when he could choose something simpler — because he trusts Cas enough to subject him to his 3am childhood trauma meltdowns. Cas is a human, with inexorably fallible human hands, and Sam is willing to hand him his heart in the quiet hours of the morning for a little field surgery. Cas almost thinks he feels a little sick.

[thotsforvillainrights]

Can I have headcanons about all the Shie Hassakai men as fathers?

(I believe I may have done most of them before and it’s on the masterlist! This is a good thing, since it helps cut the ask down from 12 to a bit less. In my Au’s you’ll find a whole set for Kai <the kaishi au> and Nemoto <the nemoto family au> right HERE. Then there’s Hari, Kai, Joi, Shin, and Toya with 4 kids HERE. Also Deidoro getting kids HERE. Setsuno being a new dad HERE. Rappa and Deidoro bring their kids to work HERE. We’re back in it with some headcanons of Kai, and Tabe being dads HERE. We got another Toya request with him and a daughter HERE. Dads Tengai and Mimic are located right HERE. Hari, Mimic, Rappa, and Nemoto with their kid and it’s bad object permeance issue HERE lmao. Toya’s baby won’t drink milk HERE. I could go on and on but I think mostly I’m just trying to say I’ve done most of them probably multiple times too lol. I’ll just do the one’s I haven’t done yet! And yes, the baby is either born or adopted as usual so all the readers can fit into this one too ^_^)

~Hojo/Katsukame/Pops as Dads~

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

~Hojo~

-From the very moment your daughter is born/adopted, she becomes his whole world...and yes I’ve decided he will have a daughter lol. Hojo doesn’t give up the Hassaikai because he feels pretty secure in the job and doesn’t really fear death, so don’t expect him to leave it behind like most other’s on the list would have (or already did). Besides, with as long as he’s been there, the job presents security and an insured paycheck as well. This means he’s able to put his money into saving for her future and he supports you two like his life depends on it. Hojo is a great dad. He puts his foot down when he needs to at work so he doesn’t end up spending too much time there. Every single event his daughter has ever been in, he never missed. He’s supportive but stern when need be. Sure you she can dye her hair at 14 if she wants to. Hell, do it at 8 or 9 just because she wants to. But she damn well better be home before the street lights turn on or it’s grounding time. He’s very protective and will kill a boy (or girl) if they break his daughter’s heart...you’ll probably need to step in and stop him beforehand lol. On the day of his daughter’s wedding he’s definitely crying big tears. Not even 5 minutes after she leaves for the honeymoon he looks over at you and says “Let’s have/adopt another one.”

~Katsukame~

-Has no idea how to be a parent and almost dips on you when you show him the pregnancy stick/adoption papers. Yet, he decides to stay and work it out just to see if it aint so bad. I mean, you managed to get him into a relationship and do all that sappy shit right? So maybe being a parent isn’t so bad eh? Well, he learns pretty fast how tough it can be. He doesn’t want to say he dislikes his baby, but let’s be honest here: Katsukame is NOT into cleaning up vomit, shit, piss, and drool all day long. It’s not until his baby starts clumsily trying to walk and talk that he finally starts to feel differently. Like his son comes up to him one day and is just babbling nonsense with a big smile and Katsukame kinda chuckles. “You’re a funny little guy, aint cha?” He lifts his son up and bounces him on his lap while the baby laughs gleefully. That is when Katsukame decides that he would kill to keep his baby safe and happy. The older his son gets, the more you realize the two are becoming closer and closer. Your husband who was once annoyed with trying to put an infant to sleep, is now playing baseball in the backyard with his kid! Katsukame even deals with the teen years much better than you thought. You might get a little jealous along the way since his son is just like him and now you have to keep TWO dummies out of trouble lol

~Pops~

-This man has handled fatherhood twice in his lifetime already. Once with his very own daughter, and AGAIN when he took Chisaki off the streets. There is NOTHING he cannot handle at this point. You might have to depend on Pops more than it being the other way around with this whole thing. I mean, it’s amazing at how good he is at this. The only problem is that he begins to doubt himself during the early teens years because he’s experienced failure twice:( His daughter disowned him at 16 for being the leader of the yakuza, and she ran off with a man he didn’t approve of. Then Kai raised absolute HELL right in front of Pops (but let’s just go with an Au where he got his shit together, didn’t put Pops in a coma, and actually takes care of Eri.) Anyway, you can sense he’s not as confident these days so you sit with him over tea and get him to admit how he feels to you. It’s up to you to reassure him and support him through this tough time. Lucky for both of you, your daughter was pretty mild compared to Pops first two kids. She was very kind, a quiet girl but not gullible. She was humble, down to earth too. Introverted with most people, but extroverted with her very best friends. It takes Pops a while to realize things are just fine and that he’s done a good job being a dad no matter what the outcome was.

»—————————–———————————————————–✄

Instagram: @pastelbattydraws & @pastelbattystore

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRNMJH7vHL7APNobUykhK4w?view_as=subscriber

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

disney’s ‘the hunchback of notre dame’, early 2000s kid nostalgia, and other midnight musings

“What the fuck, Stina? I thought this was a blog for book reviews!” you say.

“Books, amongst other things. Hence the -ish suffix,” I say. “And all my mediocre ‘reviews’ are hit-or-miss in terms of engagement, so I’m pretty much free to post whatever the fuck I want.”

I toss my head. My hair whacks me in the face.

The first time I watched Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame was been circa 2006, in the ‘movie room’ of my preschool, huddled around a CRT TV with the rest of my five-year-old classmates. Not much about the film particularly stood out to me at the age.

Fast-forward fifteen years later; I’m cooped up in quarantine, hundreds of thousands of miles away from that first viewing. I’m living my best life, rejoicing in my introverted tendencies and having a laugh at the expense of all the suffering extroverts. I haven’t moved from my bed all day, except for the bare necessities, and I’m bingeing YouTube videos. All is well.

I discovered Lindsay Ellis’s channel quite recently- embarrassingly enough, through her videos on Omegaverse and the whole Addison Cain fiasco. I stumbled down the rabbit-hole of her channel, and here I am, a few dozen videos later, and I find her one on this film.

Which, of course, led me to want to re-watch the film, with the eyes and mind (supposedly) of an adult. And it went far beyond and above my expectations.

The film is dark, much darker than the average Disney film of today- not just thematically, but the graphics too. Except for the first parts with the Festival of Fools and the last scene, the rest seems to have a dark filter put over it all. Obviously, given its themes (I’m pulling these out of my arse; I’m a STEM major and I have zero to no knowledge about film) of freedom and equality, acceptance of those different from us, corruption and lust- all that good shit, in other words- you can’t exactly have sunshine and rainbows. But it’s such a stark contrast from what I’ve been accustomed to from Disney; Frozen has Hans about to decapitate Elsa, but the background remains bright and light; Simba sobbing next to Mufasa’s body in The Lion King is heart-wrenching, but a few scenes later, we have an anthropomorphic meerkat-boar duo singing about eating bugs and farting and all that classy stuff, so it’s not as traumatizing.

The themes are a lot more on-the-nose than a lot of other kids’ movies (forgive me if I err, I am aged and forgetful)- cue la Esmeralda saying, “What do they have against people who are different, anyway?”- you get what’s essentially the same ‘accept others regardless of their differences’, ‘prejudice is bad’ morals from, say, Zootopia, but having given the main characters fursuits makes it less obvious than in this movie.

(Or maybe I’m just a dumbass. I have no elaborate notes for this; I’m high on sugar and deprived of sleep so I might be spewing bullshit.)

Admittedly, the resolution is a bit… unrealistic. The citizens of Paris = sheep, essentially; they go from throwing fruit in Quasimodo’s face because the guards started it, to helping defeat them. Maybe there’s something about mob mentality in there, but I find it hard to believe that people who showed up to watch Esmeralda burn to death were suddenly totally cool with not getting what they didn’t pay for. But then again, this is a Disney movie, and you can’t make kids too cynical too early on. Let them have their innocence and ‘people will be with the heroes in times of peril because humanity is inherently good!’ before they realize that humanity kinda fuckin’ sucks.

The characters are some of the most human from those I’ve seen in Disney (other honorable mentions: the main characters of The Emperor’s New Groove, Moana, Tangled, Anna from Frozen). Quasimodo’s the main character (lol DUH, will I ever say anything not obvious?), and he’s so lovable, but not without flaws- he’s biased against gypsies in the beginning because Frollo’s the literal scum of the earth. To borrow from the K-pop fans’ dictionary: UwU he’s so pure!

Esmeralda sparks a bit of controversy because she’s another POC leading lady from a Disney film of the 90’s (a list including Jasmine, and, sigh- Pocahontas) who’s markedly more sexualized than the white Disney princesses. It’s not something I particularly noticed nor cared about until I saw it being brought up- I mean, the woman shows a bit of cleavage and then dances for a couple of seconds- but. I’m just putting that out there.

She’s an empowering heroine without having to belt in in your face (not me making a dig at Naomi Scott’s Jasmine from the Aladdin live action film), and I also love how her role in taking down the Big Bad doesn’t have to do with her ‘power of seduction’ (the scene in the animated Aladdin film where Jasmine kissed Jafar truly traumatized me as a kid).

Phoebus is… well, he exists. Kind of a Regulus Black archetype, but not exactly. The guy on the bad side who turns good and all is forgiven. Well, at least it’s not the ‘her love made him a better man’ trope. And he is a good guy. Even if he did spend a considerable amount of his adult years on the side of the bad guys.

Systemic oppression? Nah, it’s one or two corrupt baddies. But again, it’s a Disney film, we need everything to work out for the good guys in the end.

Let’s get the gargoyles out of the way. To reference Lindsay Ellis’s video (she’s a lot smarter than I am and breaks this down better than I ever could): yes, the comedy’s oft ill-timed and inappropriate… for an adult audience. And the primary demographic of Disney films, especially princess ones (obviously Esmeralda isn’t a princess, nor does she marry into royalty, nor is she included in the group of princesses in the dumpster fire that is Ralph Breaks the Internet, but I had a book imaginatively titled ‘Disney Princess Stories’ as a kid that included Esmeralda’s story alongside Belle’s and Ariel’s, so I’m calling her a princess), are kids. And kids love fart jokes.

Additionally, I have a theory-that-is-not-really-a-theory-but-a-pretty-obvious-thing-that-happens that the gargoyles are figments of Quasimodo’s imagination, and the, at times crass and ridiculous things they say are just the voices in Quasimodo’s head (THIS IS OBVIOUS, STINA, YOU HAVEN’T STUMBLED ACROSS A STARTLING NEW REVELATION); maybe what he imagines normal townspeople to act like.

And then we have Judge Judy Chrissy Teigen Frollo. This dude is the embodiment of pure evil. He’s bigoted and rapey and abusive and one of Disney’s most successful villains- even better than Mother Gothel, who previously held the crown. It’s rare that a villain genuinely terrifies me, especially a cartoon one. Frollo, unlike your typical fairytale antagonist who wants power/fame/fortune/to overthrow Olympus, is far more sinister; driven from deep-rooted hatred instead of plain greed. He’s so much closer to people in positions of power and authority even in the modern world, and that element of reality makes him so much better as an antagonist instead of a literal sheep who hates carnivores (seriously, Disney, enough with the twist villains- they’re not working out).

Also, Hellfire slaps. In fact, the entire soundtrack does.

Speaking about Hellfire, I love the contrast between that and Heaven’s Light; how Esmeralda is viewed by Frollo (an object to possess, “Destroy Esmeralda, and let her taste the fires of hell; or else, let her be mine and mine alone”) as opposed to Quasimodo (someone with free will, “I dare to dream that she might even care for me”).

Another argument brought up, and admittedly one I had as a child was, ‘but if the whole point of the movie is acceptance and love as opposed to lust, why didn’t Quasimodo get the girl?’ Which, years later, I realize is an extremely misogynistic way to look at it. As Princess Jasmine said four years before The Hunchback was released, she is not a prize to be won. Quasimodo is Frollo’s antithesis; he lets Esmeralda choose, and she chose Phoebus. And Quasimodo accepted that, because he is good and kind and sweet and loving. Severus Snape, take note.

On a sidenote, I’m always kind of caught out of left field when the plot in films moves really fast- I’m really not a movie-watching type; I prefer to read, and books usually indicate how much time passes from one main plot point to another, and there are little slice-of-life, filler parts that tie in to character development and moving the plot forward, but at a snail’s pace. So, whenever I’m watching a movie and it’s one important event after another, I usually haven’t had enough of a refractory period to process it.

Let’s pretend that I segued smoothly into the next part of this (already tedious and long drawn out) review.

The Hunchback is the darkest film I’ve ever seen come out from Disney. Re-watching it as an adult made me pause every so often and wonder why the hell I wasn’t traumatized by it as a kid. I mean, the whole movie kicks off with Frollo about to throw an infant down a well. And then there’s that horrifying shot of the stone renditions of the Israelite kings on the church walls. Frollo falls to his death into fire. I mean, good riddance, but still. I guess it’s because the kids’ shows of today are awfully censored and polished so kids don’t have nightmares forevermore.

Update: tried to watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2. Exited just as fast as I clicked on it. Disney sequels really ain’t shit (yes, I’m looking at you, Frozen 2).