#one of the saddest and most special moments of my life and triggered so much feeling in me

[spaceaudio]

boston2 anniversary is kind of crazy

[ladyeliot]

PS I LOVE YOU

This One-shot is for @mostly-marvel-musings’s “600 follower challenge.” Thank you for doing this! 

Pairing: Tony Stark x Fem!Reader

Summary: After Tony's death he decides to create a "plan" to say goodbye to you.

Warnings: Fluff and Extremely Sad.

Word count: 2593

A/N: I cried a little bit writing it. Sorry for my spelling and grammatical mistakes, English is not my native language, I am learning.

This is perhaps the saddest, as well as the most romantic, story you will ever read. Yours. The fantastic, like the quotidian, was in your day to day life. You made the most important decision of your life, to give your heart to the one you loved, even though you knew there would come a day when he would break it. Tony Stark was not an ordinary man, in any sense, but he was the man you wanted to share your life with, the man who drove you crazy in every way, but also the man who made you smile every morning when you woke up next to him.

Like other married couples you had your ups and downs, his work at Stark Industries took up a lot of his time, but what really bothered you was his second job as Iron Man. Every time he put on that suit, your heart would crack, and it wasn't until he returned to your side that it would be forged again. Fear took over as the years went by, but all you could do was support him 100%, because it was his choice.

After the snap, you realised the opportunity that had presented in front of you, an opportunity among millions that the vast majority did not have, you were together, to move on and to have a new beginning. But still a wide guilt rolled around you, “why us?” The years passed and though you chose to drastically change your life, to move away from the big city and find a nest of love and peace, you knew that Tony's mind was still working, searching for an answer and a solution, realising it when the group of avengers came to ask for his help.

A considerable period of time has passed since all these events, but you know that it was this that triggered you to find yourself standing in front of the lake with one of Tony's closest friends right now.

"Before he left for his mission," Happy began, "he asked me to give this to you if anything happened to him.

You wiped away a tear that slid down your left cheek before you looked at him. Tony had made his choice and you supported him all the way, but you never believed that the pain could consume you like that. You focused your gaze on a small device Happy held in his hands, it was tiny, metal and had a small button. 

"What is it?" you asked, taking it between your fingers.

"I'm sorry, I have no idea Y/N."

You took a deep breath and pressed the button lightly. Instantly a hologram of Tony appeared before the two of you. You almost lost your balance in surprise, you didn't expect to find him in front of your eyes, sitting in a chair, in his Tom Ford suit.

"Hi honey!" said little hologram Tony waving his hand. "I hope you're not watching this, but in case you are, that means Happy has delivered it to you and I'm not with you right now."

You put a hand to your face trying to hide the pain you were feeling as you listened to him speak again. Little Tony was also silent for a moment.

"Anyway," he got up from the armchair he was sitting in. "I have a plan! I couldn't leave for the mission without saying goodbye to you, well in fact I just did and quite well, right now you're in the bedroom trying to pull yourself together— " Tony flashed a half smile and shook his head.

You couldn't help but smile at those words.

"Well, on to what we're going.Honey, I hope this doesn't get into your hands, but if it does, I have a thousand things to tell you and it's impossible for me to do it right now. I was hoping to have enough time to tell you for the rest of our lives, but it's not going to be possible," he sat back down and clasped his hands together. "Listen, ever since the guys came to pay me that visit and we realised we could turn things around, I couldn't get the idea out of my head that something might go wrong with the mission, and you know how I am when I get an idea in my head."  Tony laughed and it brought a smile to your face.  Tony laughed and it brought a smile to your face. "I've been planning this ever since, I've thought about all the things I'd want to tell you that I haven't told you and all those special dates I'd love to spend with you that I won't be able to. So I have a plan! And I need you, honey, to help me," the little hologram got up from the couch again and put his hands in his pocket and approached the camera. "First of all I need you to wipe the tears off your face and show that beautiful smile to the world, and Happy too, but except for the smile thing," you both let out a small laugh between tears. "Secondly, I hope you're wearing that black dress I like so much, the one with the back slit, you know," you rolled your eyes and nodded, you were wearing it."And thirdly, I wish I didn't have to ask you this, but I need you to go to the lab, in the safe you'll find a letter, it's the first of several that will be coming to you."  Tony lowered his gaze. "I can't tell you when you'll get more, but I promise they'll arrive when you least expect them.By the way, the password you already know what it is, on our wedding day— " 

In the background, your voice could be heard, urging Tony to return to the room.  

"I'm coming honey!" after he responds he turned his attention back to the camera. "Sorry, my beautiful wife claims me," you smiled and sighed approaching the camera, meeting Tony's face in its fullness. "Honey, you know you're my only weakness. I love you."

Just as he had appeared the hologram disappeared and a void formed again in your heart. You took a deep breath trying to undo the lump in your throat and taking in every word he had said. You looked at Happy who looked as puzzled as you were.

"Did you know about this?" you asked with mixed feelings.

"I promise I didn't," Happy held up his hands in innocence. 

You quickly walked away from the lake and headed towards your cabin, people had left a couple of hours ago, but Happy had chosen to stay with you. You opened the door quickly, followed by your friend and you both walked down to Tony's lab. His things were just as he had left them a couple of weeks ago, as no one had gone in there. You made your way to the safe, hidden behind one of the works of art, and entered the password.

Just as Tony had said, there it was, a white envelope with your name on it, next to a set of clothes, waiting for you to take it in your hands and open it.  Before you did so, you looked at Happy who seemed to be anxious to discover the contents as well. You didn't know what Tony's "Plan" was, nor if it would be beneficial or painful for you, but that mattered little at that moment, because all you needed was to see him, to hear him, or in this case to read what he had written.

You opened the envelope and read it:

"Hello honey, 

I guess if you are reading this envelope you will have seen the holography and I guess it is the "day", so I have a surprise prepared for you, read carefully. What I need you to do is to get everyone out of the house, Happy can stay, take off that dress, Happy won't be there when you do that, and put on the clothes I've left with the letter. 

When you're ready, just tell F.R.I.D.A.Y. to brief you on the use of your armour. I know, I know you've never been in favour of it, but you need it. F.R.I.D.A.Y will explain everything you need to know, you just let go, trust me. Go out and free yourself, eat the world.

PS I LOVE YOU"

That was one of the first letters Tony had planned for you. As time went on, they came to you once a month, as well as on special days, such as your birthday, his birthday, your anniversary, etc. He had planned every minute of those days. Tony knew you so well that he knew what you might be thinking, or how you were feeling. On the one hand, he covered the loneliness you felt without him, but on the other hand he made you feel even emptier and reminded you that he would never be with you again and you could never spend those moments together.

At first it was rewarding, but as time went on you realised that it was impossible to evolve, you had entered a loop from which it was impossible to get out. You spent your days waiting for a letter that might not arrive, and wondering when his "plan" would come to an end and if you were ready for it. Happy was supportive in that sense and tried to keep you grounded, as you both knew Tony best.

One evening you were doing what Tony had instructed you to do in the last letter you had received, the one for your fifth wedding anniversary. Along with it Tony had sent you a black dress along with a pair of high heels, informing you that you were not to leave the house before 8.00 p.m. and to head for the lakeshore when you were ready.

Happy was sitting on the couch trying to hide his concern about the situation that had dragged on for two years. After finishing your touch-ups you said goodbye to him and complied with Tony's details. You had no idea what you were going to find, but as you left, you could see a small square table in the distance, decorated with candles, waiting for you. As you arrived you noticed that a faint song began to play through a small speaker hidden behind some flowers, your song.

"I guess thanks for that, F.R.I.D.A.Y," you said looking at the diamond bracelet Tony had given you when you got engaged that was connected to his AI.

"It was me," you turned around to find Happy's voice behind you.

You frowned and looked at him, realising that he was holding a pair of white envelopes in his hands. A state of nervousness and confusion took over your body, and without being able to say a word you pointed to his hands.

"These are the last of them," he whispered, stepping in front of you and handing them to you.

You smiled, finding tears gathering in your eyes, and nodded, taking them in your hands.

"I'm sorry Y/N," Happy said with a shake of his face. "He made me promise not to tell you anything, and I couldn't refuse to help him either. Even if I wasn't totally on board with this crazy plan. You know how he is."

"I know," you bit your lower lip smiling and wiping the tears from your eyes.

"They're the last ones," he repeated again. "After today, you'll have to move on without them."

After those words Happy went back the way he had come, and instead of taking a seat at the table you approached the edge of the lake. You had before you the last words Tony had written to you. One of the letters read "To the love of my life", while the other read "To that person". Puzzled, you opened the one that said "To the love of my life" first.

"Hello again honey.

How is everything going, is Happy still keeping his nerves under control in this situation? I hope he is and that he has delivered this letter to you.By the way I don't know how the situation has developed, but don't be angry with him, I made him promise not to tell you anything until it's all over, and as you can see that's the point.

The thing is, I'm not going to be able to write any more, today is the last day before I leave for the mission, and if you've finally been getting all the letters, this has to be the last one. I just made you the recording that Happy will give you if things don't go as planned, and you are begging me to come back to our bedroom with you. 

I guess everything I needed to tell you I haven't been able to do, you know there are a lot of things I'm good at, but in expressing my feelings in words I've never really excelled.

I'd love to know what you're thinking right now, or how you feel about the "plan" I've created. Although I also don't know if you've been able to make it this far, or if you've decided not to go through with it anymore. Happy has orders that the moment you say "enough" it's all over, I don't want you to suffer. 

I just want you to be happy, I want you to be as happy as I have been by your side, I want you to show your beautiful smile to the world, I want you to get everything you want.

My honey, I'm going to dedicate these last words to tell you how you changed my life, how you offered me everything I was missing, without even knowing it. You agreed to marry me, you made us a family. And that's what I want for you.

Even though you may feel sad and insecure right now, I need you to show that you are the strongest woman I know and move forward. May you live that wonderful life you wished you had, may you do crazy things, may you meet people and fall in love. May you feel love again, may you rediscover it with someone who makes you happy and may you start a family again. 

Please don't be afraid, I am well and I will be well. Don't think of me, think of yourself, and if you think of me, know that I will be watching you and taking care of you every day. I want you to know that I couldn't leave our house without thinking that you will never feel that way about anyone again, in case I don't come back.

Having said that, honey, it only remains for me to leave you a new letter, a letter for that person who restores your faith in love, who I know you will find one day. I just want you to give it to him or her when you are sure.

So sweetheart,

PS I LOVE YOU"

Requests/Taglist Open (DM)

MAIN MASTERLIST

600 Milestone Challenge Masterlist

[infinitegalahad]

All The Light We Cannot See

Pairing: Safin x Blind!Reader

Summary: A young assassin and blind sculptor find beauty in each other.

Word Count: 1.7K

A/N: Thank you @just-a-queen-bee​ for this fun little request! This was my very first one actually! It was so fun to write. A short and sweet drabble. Soft Safin is the best Safin. Alicia and Ben are dorks together so I did slightly inspire it toff of them. The reader is blind and gender-neutral. And yes, I shamelessly named it after the book...I had too!  I'm sorry the book was so damn good! I legit love all the requests, keep them coming! Just a reminder that I’m doing rabbles and heacanons only due to school. Anyways, hope you guys enjoy! ;)

Masterlist 

There was something about them that Safin fell for.

He wasn’t one for emotions. In fact, he was a cold-blooded killer and nothing more. The world had never given him any kindness. All it had done was strip his family, dignity, everything. Emotions were simply nonexistent in Safin’s world. Life was a game and nothing more. He was SPECTRE’s lapdog and always did as they pleased. Safin was a ruthless killer who hid behind a mask to hide his true self.

But if he felt nothing, why did he feel the urge to hide his face? The scars had been burned into his skin ever since he was a child. He was young, yet looked old. At a glance, the scars seemed normal, but they truly a monstrosity. He was a monster, he knew he was. But nobody had ever cared about him or comforted him. People were targets in his eyes. Every last one of them.

Except for y/n.

Y/n’s father was an infamous scientist Dr.Morte. He had worked for Spectre and thousands of organizations over the years. Morte was known for kidnapping agents and horribly disfiguring them. Safin was corrupt, but Morte had been far in the deep end. When assigned the hit, Safin had no problem killing him. The death had been rather personal. Morte had been one of the many men responsible for the death of Safin’s family, and disfigurement of his face. The burns were a reminder of Morte and his actions. Safin didn’t kill him because of the crimes he had committed against others. He killed Morte for what he had done to him; strangled him with the very gas he used against Safin. Seeing his eyes roll into the back of his head as he pleaded for help only satisfied Safin.

As Morte took his final breath, Safin had heard footsteps in the room above him. He was instructed to kill every suspect in the building. As he traveled up with his finger on the trigger, he had walked into a dark room full of thousands of clay sculptures. Each had depicted a range of faces, small and big, happy and sad. A noise had startled Safin, causing him to point his weapon in the direction of a young person. They wore rags with a frail figure. There face was expressionless as they looked at him with the saddest clear eyes he had ever seen. They had blinked a few times, still looking directly at Safin. But their sad eyes never moved once from his form. Instead of being scared, they were calm in the heat of the moment. Safin’s breathes were heavy and stressed, yet it did not once scare them. They did not cower or cry. All they did was haunt him with those eyes.

Safin’s finger fiddled with the trigger. Why was he hesitating? His hands shook as everything became blurry. A feeling emerged in his body that he had never felt before. Was it sympathy, or confusion? Everybody who had seen him was scared of him for his repulsive features. But not them. It seemed like they knew what was going to happen to them, and that they had accepted it.

A shaky sigh escaped his lips as he lowered the gun, his finger gently sliding off of the trigger.

-----

“Why would you let me see you?”

Out of all the people Saifn had met, they were the only person who had any form of sympathy for. The reason y/n had never reacted to Safin’s weapon was that they couldn’t see him. Y/n had an amazing sense of hearing and smell. They thought there were going to die, but Safin (in a sudden act) couldn’t bring himself to kill them. Y/n had been a victim of there own father’s work. Being blinded at a young age, they accustomed quickly to it. As a form of expression, y/n had used sculpture. All of the faces they felt were transformed into identical sculptures.

Whenever he saw them, Safin felt the urge to protect them as they were the only person that ever mattered him.

Safin turned over to y/n, greeted with there big clear eyes. They had a small, curious smile on there face as they moved towards them. Clay spots were all over there face as they had been working on a new project.

“I’m not special. You wouldn’t want to feel me.”

Tilting there head, they huffed but kept persisting. “Why? I love to feel all kinds of faces!”

“Not mine, y/n. You wouldn’t-”

“Wouldn’t what?”

Y/n had grabbed Safin’s gloved hand, pulling him towards her. Her eyes, although emotionless, were begging. Y/n had known Safin for three years and not once had ever felt his body. They saw Safin has a friend and someone they could trust. After years of abuse and torment, Safin (although cold) had treated them with the respect that no one had ever done. It always had felt like whenever Y/n was close to Safin, he would be so far.

“Like my face. It’s…”

“Different?” A shocked chuckle escaped their lips. “Safin, have you not realized I can’t see anything? I’m not phased, as you can clearly see.”

“Just..” Y/n was close to Safin as they inhaled the cologne he wore. It smelt expensive and was a trademark of Safin. Holding there hand, they played around with his gloved things. They yearned to feel his skin and see who he truly was. “Let me see you. I don’t see the point in you hiding from me…”

“You always joke about your vision…” Safin had noticed, a sigh escaping from his lips. Y/n did have a point. They truly couldn’t see what he was. They were one of the only people who hadn’t run away from him (yet). If they were going to be with him for a while, then what was the point in hiding behind a mask and gloves. “I will allow it. But you won’t...scream, right?”

“Scream? Safin, if I scream and run, where will I go? I will most likely hit a wall.” You joked. Safin’s hands began to lighten in your grasp. Did he not perceive the joke well. Squeezing his hand, you subtly smiled, “I won’t run, I promise.”

Sighing, Safin removed his gloves so they could feel his hands. Y/n’s gentle fingers hesitated with his face, wanting to be gentle. What could be on Safin’s face that he had been so afraid of? He was smart enough to know that they were as blind as a bat.

Their fingers gently caressed his cheeks. It started off with a few fingers which responded to a wrinkled complexion. Furrowing their eyebrows, y/n placed their hands on his cheeks. It wasn’t just wrinkled, but burn marks. They didn’t even need sight to see them. Whatever had been on his face was extremely severe. All of the wrinkles were deep and long. The burns were rough and textured.

But once did it disgust them. Safin had some of the most interesting skin they had ever felt. It wasn’t boring but different. Y/n liked different. It would be fascinating to sculpt.

“Your skin is so...unqiue. I’ve never felt someone like this before...” Y/n had pointed out. Feeling Safin’s eyebrow soften at the response, they quickly reassured him. “That’s a good thing. I like unique things…”

Safin froze at the response. Then he had realized. Had y/n complimented him? All a sudden, he felt flustered as his cheeks began to burn. Y/n had cupped his face, a smile.

“You liked my compliment?”

Safin was caught off guard, too distracted by there face. Their skin was soft to the touch, gliding over his skin. He felt like he was being touched by an angel. “Y-yes, I did. Thank you.”

“Your welcome.” You replied. Your hands became more liberal as you explored his face. The further up you moved, the more you could feel the pain in his face. His face was scrunched along with his whole body, tense by your touch. Not because of you, but he was afraid.

“So sad…” They mumbled. Safin had leaned into your hands, enjoying the soft touch. His ungloved hands wrapped around there soft hands as he pulled them close. A small noise escaped from y/n’s mouth as he pulled them in, surprised by Safin’s sudden move. Safin had usually been distant from you was now pulling them in. They could feel his cheek nestle in your hand, a dreamy sigh escape from his lips.

“Y/n?” He asked, looking into your clear eyes.

“Yes, Safin?”

“You’re never going to leave me, right?”

His voice was rather shaky as he left out of his vulnerable side. It was a side that you were quite unfamiliar with. They knew Safin as someone who felt very little emotion and hated the world that surrounded him. After years of endless speculation, they finally had come to the realization that Safin hated the world because he believed it hated him for the way he looked. The only person he had seemingly ever taken any interest in was them and only them.

“No, why would you think that..?” They perplexed. Feeling his scarred skin, you then had realized. “Oh...Safin. Of course not.”

“Your the man who saved from that place. We’ve been together for three years. I am here for the man inside, not the man outside.” Their fingers moved pieces of his ebony hair, which had begun slowly graying. “I like the man on the outside just as much.”

A smile had curved on his face. It was the first time that you had ever felt such emotion on his face. Safin’s hands brought you close to his face. Before you knew it, your lips had connected. It was a sweet embrace. His hand’s held your cheeks as you held onto his chest for security. Safin’s lips were plush like bread as they overpowered your own lips. He held and treated you like you were made of glass. It had been the first time you had ever had romantic feelings in your life. It took you three years to realize that the love of your life was standing right in front of. Even if you were blind, Safin’s face never mattered to you. All that mattered was that you loved the man that you couldn’t even see. All you ever needed from Safin was to feel his damaged skin against your clay ridden hands.

To sculpt him.

To comfort him.

To love him.

[conncrfms]

𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐫𝐤’𝐬 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐎𝐑 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐍 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐚𝐝𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐭 , 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐉𝐀𝐂𝐎𝐁 𝐄𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐈  ! 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐚𝐲 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐚𝐬 @𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐫 𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐦𝐳 𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐚𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧 . 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐦𝐳 , 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐝 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐡 . 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐧𝐲𝐜 , 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐨 𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 . 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭 𝐚 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬, 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐣𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐭𝐬 . ( 𝐜𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 + 𝐡𝐞/𝐡𝐢𝐦 ) + ( 𝐦𝐲𝐚 , 𝟏𝟗 , 𝐬𝐡𝐞/𝐡𝐞𝐫 , 𝐩𝐬𝐭 ) 

hi lovelies! allow me to introduce myself! my name is mya, you can reach me on discord for plots at ˗ˏˋ 𝐦𝐲𝐚 ˎˊ˗#8406 and i have never had a single cohesive thought in my life! now that that’s out of the way let me introduce you to my demon child connor! i spent literal hours on his intro and it’s still not good but that’s besides the point but for your best viewing experience you may wanna see it through his blog for the ~aesthetics~ anyways on with the intro!

triggers will be tagged and marked accordingly as they come up but here’s what to look out for: cheating tw, death tw, cancer tw, and alcohol tw

𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐒

𝐅𝐔𝐋𝐋 𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄

bellamy connor livingston

𝐍𝐈𝐂𝐊𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒

bells

𝐁𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐇𝐃𝐀𝐘

october 26th, 1997

𝐇𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓

6″0′

𝐀𝐆𝐄

23 years old

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑

male

𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐒

he/him

𝐎𝐂𝐂𝐔𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

ceo of premier event manangement / event planner

𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐒

english

𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

bisexual

𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐈𝐌

alex fitzalan

here is his childhood home, family vacation home, and his current home

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘

bellamy connor livingston was born in MANHATTAN NEW YORK on an unusually cold october day 

his father was voted as the SENATOR of new york and his mother was a LUXURY REAL ESTATE AGENT who sold a majority of the penthouses on the upper east side, it wasn’t easy living in new york and NOT knowing who the livingston’s were, whether you saw their names on billboards on heard it in passing on television you knew who they were

but the livingston LEGACY precedes connor’s successful parents and goes way back to his ancestors who made their fortune, specifically one of his GREAT grandfathers who was granted 160,000 acres along the Hudson and was an OFFICIAL FUR TRADER AND BUSINESSMAN who earned the family a whopping $35 BILLION DOLLARS and the wealth continues to grow RICH  KEEP GETTING RICHER

in short connor is a total TRUST FUND BABY.

while a family like this is usually drowning with TURMOIL the livingston’s lived a fairly scandal free life, even when you did MASSIVE DIGGING, no signs of infedlity, their four kids got along great, and they were BIG on philanthropy and giving to charity 

𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐖 

this is until you stepped behind CLOSED DOORS which is were the livingston’s liked their SKELETONS to remain, connor’s dad, was a SERIAL CHEATER and the only reason no one ever spoke up is the livingston family INFLUENCE no one dared to cross them 

𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐖

despite growing up in such a TOXIC ENVIROMENT connor was actually a really good kid, his grades were nothing to write home about, and he was definitely a CLASS CLOWN but he did what he was supposed to, and stayed out of trouble for the MOST PART

he was the ELDEST of four children so he felt the need to be a good influence on what would prove to be a BUMPY ROAD for the family 

connor’s high school experience was not what you would expect from someone of his  CALIBER, well at least not ALL of it 

for starters he had the tendency to be a bit ARROGANT due to who his parents were and because he knew the scope of their influence, and he used this to his advantage, he was definitively a “DO YOU KNOW  WHO MY FATHER IS?” ass bitch, partly due to the fact people had always treated him differently and thus it went straight to his already empty head

and he PARTIED a lot, whether it was throwing parties in a penthouse his mother rented SPECIFICALLY for him, attending LAVISH parties, or jetting off to THE HAMPTON’S   “for lunch”, school became a DISTANT PRIORITY

so distant in fact his parents ended up hiring a TUTOR to help him with his studies, and you wouldn’t believe me when i say connor FELL and he fell HARD

so hard in fact i’d say he CRASHED, two planets colliding into each other that was although a CATASTROPHE was ENCHANTING to see, but i’m getting ahead of myself

BEATRICE or BEA as connor and nearly everyone else called her, was connor’s opposite in almost EVERY WAY, she was a straight a student, and connor could hold a c average if he made the effort to CHEAT, she went to their private school on a SCHOLARSHIP, his parents had enough money to buy the ENTIRE SCHOOL, but they were IN LOVE

and i mean the kind of love you see in ROMCOMS the kind of SICKENINGLY SWEET love that others will tell you is IMPOSSIBLE, but they made it work, bea made connor more serious but his studies, and he in turn fell COMPLETELY and EFFORTLESSLY in love. see BEA was already WHOLE so think of this story less of two halves COMPLETING each other, and more so two wholes COMPLEMENTING each other 

they continued to date throughout the rest of high school, and BEA became apart of his family, his mother referred to BEA as her DAUGHTER IN LAW, it was cemented in everyone’s minds that one day the two of them would be MARRIED

oddly enough connor NEVER met BEA’S parents no matter how much he BEGGED and PLEADED, all it took was BEA telling him her family life was something she was UNCOMFORTABLE with and he dropped the subject COMPLETELY 

due to BEA’S influence, connor applied to university, COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY, to be exact and got ACCEPTED into the school of BUSINESS, of course BEA also applied an got ACCEPTED into the school of SOCIAL SCIENCES

connor didn’t HESITATE to PROPOSE to BEA and to no one’s surprise she immediately said YES and the plan was to get married IMMEDIATELY and so the date was set for JULY 17TH 2017, the theme to be WINTER WONDERLAND, it was BEA’S idea a winter wedding in summer, and seeing the way it made her absolutely BEAM it was worth it

the MONTH of the wedding was a tense one, GRADUATION, PREPARING FOR COLLEGE, and a WEDDING

however TRAGEDY would strike, BEA was LATE to the WEDDING and anyone who knew BEA knew that she wasn’t LATE to anything, that’s when connor got a call that would change his life FOREVER

𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐖

remember how i told you BEA never wanted connor to meet her parents? that’s because BEA was sick, CANCER to be exact, and didn’t want connor to find out. her parents tried to rationalize that she didn’t want to seem him HURT, and that she told them EVERYTHING about him, she DIED with connor right by her side, and what was supposed to be the HAPPIEST moment of his life became the SADDEST

𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐖                 

that was THREE YEARS AGO and to this day he hasn’t recovered since

𝐀𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐇𝐎𝐋 𝐓𝐖

since then he has gotten two new vices DRINKING and HOOKING UP, it’s not unusual to see him at a bar drinking his FIFTH or TENTH shot of vodka and taking home his SECOND or TENTH girl of the night

𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐀𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐇𝐎𝐋 𝐓𝐖      

he has been CLOSED OFF to the idea of love ever since, and hasn’t held a STABLE relationship since then, he simply can’t see himself COMMITTING to anyone as he did with BEA

in LIGHTER news, he graduated from COLUMBIA with his associate’s in BUSINESS and is now a ceo of his own EVENT PLANNNG company, which has been extremely successful in putting on TOURS, CHARITY BANQUETS, CONVENTIONS, CONCERTS, and the like, they specialize in everything except WEDDINGS

and his father 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐍 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐍 has started his presidential campaign, that connor has somehow managed to rope himself into

𝐒𝐄𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐓

he fights in an underground fighting ring.

it started innocently enough, after BEA passed away he wanted an outlet something where he didn’t have to think about the GUILT and could let out his ANGER, really he wanted something to distract from the SADNESS 

BOXING seemed like a good idea until he couldn’t harness the anger and nearly KILLED his opponent 

that’s when things fell into place, his “ FRIEND ” who witnessed the fight first hand told him about this fighting ring that him and a couple of other people were involved in and connor decided WHY THE HELL NOT, he felt as he had NOTHING else to LOSE

and thus began the cycle of showing up to work in shade to hide BLACK EYES and surprisingly enough BRUISES are easy to hide behind three piece suits

and now current day it’s become THERAPY for him, since a lot of the guys are just like him, looking to ESCAPE from something in their PAST

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

𝐙𝐎𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐂 

scorpio sun, scorpio rising, virgo moon

𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐍𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓 

chaotic good

𝐌𝐁𝐓𝐈 

estp-a

𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐀𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐌 

type 7w8

𝐓𝐄𝐌𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓 

choleric

𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐄 

slytherin

𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐒 

in order: physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation

𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐓𝐒 

adaptable, adventurous, affable, affectionate, ambitious, amusing, attentive, brave, bright, calm, caring, charismatic, charming, committed, courageous, creative, decisive, dependable, determined, diligent, determined, direct, driven, easy-going, efficient, engaging, enthusiastic, extroverted, flirtatious, forthright, frank, fun-loving, funny, gregarious, intelligent, knowledgeable, lively, logical, loyal, mischievous, neat, objective, observant, open-minded, organized, outgoing, passionate, persistent, playful, practical, pragmatic, protective, quick-witted, rational, realistic, reliable, responsible, romantic, self-confident, sociable, strong-willed, and trustworthy

𝐍𝐄𝐆𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐓𝐒 

abrasive, aggressive, aloof, analytical, argumentative, arrogant, assertive, avoidant, belligerent, blunt, bossy, calculating, callous, cautious, competitive, condescending, confrontational, critical, cynical, deceitful, defiant, destructive, detached, discreet, dishonest, dramatic, evasive, explosive, foolhardy, grumpy, guarded, harsh, headstrong, impatient, impulsive, insensitive, intimidating, irrational, judgmental, melancholic, narcissistic, negative, opinionated, outspoken, perfectionist, pretentious, private, quick-tempered, rebellious, reckless, rude, secretive, stubborn, temperamental, thoughtless, unemotional, vain, and violent

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐏𝐎

i’d like to say he’s a weird amalgamation of characters i liked in media i’ve consumed, and although he relates more to some characters than others this is an incomplete list of my influences

p.s. you can click on the names of a character to see a gifset of them that reminds me of connor <3 

𝑺𝑪𝑶𝑻𝑻 𝑳𝑨𝑵𝑮 ( 𝐀𝐍𝐓-𝐌𝐀𝐍 ) , 𝑬𝑳𝑬𝑨𝑵𝑶𝑹 𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑳𝑳𝑺𝑻𝑹𝑶𝑷 ( 𝐓𝐇�� 𝐆𝐎𝐎𝐃 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄 ) , 𝑹𝑰𝑮𝑩𝒀 ( 𝐑𝐄𝐆𝐔𝐋𝐀𝐑 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖 ) , 𝑫𝑨𝑴𝑶𝑵 𝑺𝑨𝑳𝑽𝑨𝑻𝑶𝑹𝑬 ( 𝐓𝐕𝐃 ) , 𝑹𝒀𝑨𝑵 𝑯𝑶𝑾𝑨𝑹𝑫  ( 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐎𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐂𝐄 ) , 𝑱𝑶𝑯𝑵𝑵𝒀 𝑩𝑹𝑨𝑽𝑶 ( 𝐉𝐎𝐇𝐍𝐍𝐘 𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐕𝐎 ) , 𝑫𝑼𝑵𝑪𝑨𝑵 ( 𝐓𝐎𝐓𝐀𝐋 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐌𝐀 𝐈𝐒𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐃 ) , 𝑨𝑳𝑬𝑿 𝑹𝑼𝑺𝑺𝑶 ( 𝐖𝐈𝐙𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐖𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐘 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄 ) , 𝑪𝑯𝑼𝑪𝑲 𝑩𝑨𝑺𝑺 ( 𝐆𝐎𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐏 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋 ) , 𝑪𝑨𝑺𝑬𝒀 𝑮𝑨𝑹𝑫𝑵𝑬𝑹 ( 𝐀𝐓𝐘𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 ) , 𝑳𝑼𝑲𝑬 𝑫𝑼𝑵𝑷𝑯𝒀 ( 𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐍 𝐅𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐘 ) , 𝑨𝑵𝑫 𝑫𝑬𝑹𝑬𝑲 𝑴𝑶𝑹𝑮𝑨𝑵 ( 𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐀𝐋 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐒 )

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑨𝑵𝑻𝑰𝑪

𝑪𝑯𝑬𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑵𝑮. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑬𝑿𝑬𝑺 𝑶𝑵 𝑮𝑶𝑶𝑫 𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑴𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑬𝑿𝑬𝑺 𝑶𝑵 𝑩𝑨𝑫 𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑴𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑭𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑫𝑺 𝑻𝑶 𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬𝑹𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑭𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑫𝑺 𝑾𝑰𝑻𝑯 𝑩𝑬𝑵𝑬𝑭𝑰𝑻𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄.   

𝑺𝑲𝑰𝑵𝑵𝒀 𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑺𝑳𝑶𝑾 𝑩𝑼𝑹𝑵. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑷𝑹 𝑹𝑬𝑳𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑷. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.   

𝑻𝑶𝑿𝑰𝑪 𝑹𝑬𝑳𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑷. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.   

𝑼𝑵𝑹𝑬𝑸𝑼𝑰𝑻𝑬𝑫 𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑷𝑳𝑨𝑻𝑶𝑵𝑰𝑪

𝑺𝑸𝑼𝑨𝑫. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑹𝑶𝑶𝑴𝑴𝑨𝑻𝑬𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.      

𝑮𝑶𝑶𝑫 𝑰𝑵𝑭𝑳𝑼𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.   

𝑩𝑨𝑫 𝑰𝑵𝑭𝑳𝑼𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑩𝑬𝑺𝑻 𝑭𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑫. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑪𝑯𝑰𝑳𝑫𝑯𝑶𝑶𝑫 𝑭𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑫. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑. 

𝑵𝑬𝑮𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑽𝑬

𝑭𝑹𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑫𝑺 𝑻𝑼𝑹𝑵𝑬𝑫 𝑬𝑵𝑬𝑴𝑰𝑬𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑬𝑵𝑬𝑴𝑰𝑬𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

𝑭𝑹𝑬𝑵𝑬𝑴𝑰𝑬𝑺. 𝐎𝐍𝐄, 𝐓𝐖𝐎, 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑.

if any of these interest you feel free to message me! i have ideas for all of them that i’m always ready to share! also feel free to mix and match any of the plots above a good influence who has an unrequited crush but is also his roommate? sounds like content to me, a friend with benefits turned best friend turned exes on bad terms we love to see it! and if none of these seem interesting to you fill free to check out connor’s wanted connections page!

[stabletwooriginals]

CHAPTER THREE: Guidance

LittlePip wakes up to a brand new day. Which she never experienced before and we get some fun observations from her about.

I knew this was coming but I’m so relieved LittlePip finds one of Rarities dresses in perfect condition inside a locked chest.

The comment, that the dress is the prettiest and most cheerful thing she has seen since leaving is striking to me. She has had one terrible string of bad luck so far, but there are amazing things still waiting to be found.

Which is undercut somewhat by her discovery of the dead cats hung over where she slept. Absolutely terrifying. That doesn’t seem just for shock value, as it preoccupies our (and LittlePips) mind as she accidentally activates a land mine. Oops.

Watcher making his first appearing here, giving LittlePip life saving advice.

Raiders attack again. And we get LittlePips naive interpretation of grenades through a childhood memory of someone bullying her. This explains to us why she focuses on throwing the granade back next… killing her first pony.

We don’t get a lot of rumination on that yet though, as we get a scene break and LittlePip has managed to sneak out of Ponyville. What are these segmenting parts called, actually? Is it “Dinkus”? That’s a fantastic name.

The retelling of escaping Ponyville sounds like a stealth sequence in any video game, which I find amusing.

After a brief first encounter with a Bloatsprite - the mutated version of the Parasprites from the show - we reunite with Watcher and LittlePip get’s to have her first friendly conversation so far. (You might wanna count Velvet at the very beginning, but that’s up to you.)

“A friend.” I raised an eyebrow. “Okay, a passing acquaintance. But one that doesn’t mean any harm.”

This back-paddling is interesting. Why isn’t the “Friend or Foe” distinction enough here? My interpretation is that FoE takes friendship quite seriously. Since it is adopting “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”, in which friendship is the key to change the course of history, just the word “friend” has a lot of worth and meaning that can’t just be thrown around lightly. We don’t know it yet but the core mechanics of MLP, namely friendship and the Elements of Harmony, are still intact in this story.

Finding my apple, I levitated it up. “Thank you. And thank you for the warning about that… thing in the ground.” “Mine.” I blinked. “Y-you want my apple?”

I just want this on here.

We get some info on the Bloatsprite - mainly it’s name and that it is the result of something called Taint. Which, uh– and Watcher’s name. He is not a Spritebot himself, but located somewhere else and just hacks into them to interact with remote places of the world.

Finally he gives vital advice any newbie RPG player can use: Find better gear, learn about the world and make some friends! What? Yes, there it is again. Friendship.

For guidance LittlePip returns to Ponyville. Watcher told her a copy of the Wasteland Survival Guide should still be at the Ponyville Library. Twilight’s home! (Remember, we’re sticking strictly to the first season.)

I was convinced The Wasteland Survival Guide was a reference to an older piece of post-apocalyptic fiction, but nope, it seems to come from the famous quest line in Fallout 3. At least, that is what dominates the search results when I try to google it.

Quite some time is also spend on the horrific decoration, namely desecrated ponies. Mutilated and in pieces, stuck to the walls and hung from the ceiling. These displays of gore are reminiscent of how Super Mutants tend to gather in places with such bloody decorations in Fallout 3. That game reduced the Mutants personality from a faction, as they were in the previous titles, to little more than orcs. Which is a shame, as they mostly exist as canon fodder now. And help us get over killing them, it shows us with lootable sacks of gore that they deserve it.

The raiders here get painted in the same light and fulfill a similar role. As clear bad guys and somewhat as cannon fodder. Their psychology never gets explored much beyond “the Wasteland drove them mad”. They often even have ridiculous cutie marks, implying they have been born into being raiders and that being cruel is their special talent. Which, besides painting the saddest existence, is a shame, since they clearly form groups among themselves, can talk just fine and are/were, by all accounts, just ponies like anyone else. Except, they’re not. They have gone insane, mind you. They live in their own shit and sleep under fresh, dripping intestines. Because they’ve gone mad, you see!

My point with all that is, that the excessive gore in this scene takes away from my immersion, as it raises questions with no answers, and raiders holding slaves and killing ponies (without putting their corpses on display), again, would be fine enough to convince me of their evilness.

Watcher was playing LittlePip a little, as he knew it was also where a couple slaves are kept in cages. One of them is implied to have been sexually assaulted, which - while still despicable - at least makes more sense for raiders to do than the gore fest described earlier.

LittlePip glancing over the bottle caps the first freed slave offers her without a second thought is a fun touch.

Then a fight breaks loose!

I hadn’t just killed a pony–these raiders had given up any right to the title! These were not ponies, they were sick monsters that needed to be put down!

Which implies choice. Something I can’t imagine, choosing to be a raider like this, but fine. I’m sure plenty of FoE side stories go more into detail with raiders, FoE itself seems mostly comfortable portraying them as orcs most of the time. Until it doesn’t. But we will cross that bridge when we get there.

I didn’t realize until that moment, but I was mad! The pure evil of this place had shaken me to the core… and my core was furious!

Regardless of my feelings towards the raiders, Littlepip’s reaction to them has always been inspirational to me. I know, it leads to… problems later on. But joining in with unbridled rage of LittlePip is cathartic in ways I haven’t yet seen replicated somewhere else.

(what do you know, they do shoot with their tongues!)

Figuring out how horses shoot firearms is… it’s own entire discourse I am not very interested in. But it’s fun to see what ideas FoE brought to the table. And it’s even more fun to see high quality concept art of tongue-triggered pistols for the Fallout: Equestria fan game Ashes of Equestria.

The fight is fun, with brisk and clear descriptions and punctuation of humor (“Shouldn't you ponies be smarter than this? You live in a library!”).

LittlePip gets shot but finds the Fluttershy branded medical box. Love that decision. Also our introduction to healing potions – they work like Stimpaks from Fallout, but are actually more believable because magic actually exists!

I was even more pathetic with melee weapons than I was with guns.

Love that RPG progression being set up here.

It was a zombiepony!

Don’t be mean to ghoul Ditzy Doo. Don’t ever be mean to ghoul Ditzy Doo.

I can’t really place the note about why someone might need binoculars in a library. I assume it’s a MLP reference but I’m lost on that one.

After another short lived meeting with mines the fight is over and LittlePip decides to loot the bodies for armor. The bloody, tattered armor. To be fair, it is the best armor she has come across so far and we do stuff like this in RPGs all the time.

She finds bottle caps again and chooses to ignore them this time. Great tease. Love it.

She finds and identifies radigator meat. I’m not sure she should know their name at this point, but whatever. The narrative framing allows it.

Lastly, she confronts the sniper that has been on the balcony of the library the entire time. Here we get a better glimpse at AngeryPip, surprising herself with her audible confidence and malice. It feels like a different character, but since this is portrayed as a extreme situation this seems more adrenaline fueled to me, rather than pathological.

Leaving the library, LittlePip has a combat shotgun, an assault rifle, a revolver (which gets lost in the next scene), a knife and now a sniper rifle. Impressive for this early in the story.

An alert flashed on my PipBuck. Checking it, I discovered that it had labeled the gazebo in front of me: The Macintosh War Memorial.

First, harrowing. Love it. Secondly, I love the inclusion of the gazebo, which has to be the one we can see in the show. It’s cool to see how many elements of the show actually made it in here. Pretty unobtrusively too.

The Memorial specifically names Big Macintosh and his sacrifice. It’s obviously unclear how much of the story was prepared in advance, but the way the war started 200 years ago must have been among that. We get to learn later what Big Mac’s role in the war was.

And we end with LittlePip picking up “The Wasteland Survival Guide. By Ditzy Doo…”

Level Up! New Perk: Bookworm. Kinda nice how we went to the library this time, got a book out of it, the quote at the beginning was “Books! I’ve read several on the subject.”… So, this one feels more than earned.

[mikauzoran]

Adrienette: To Waltz Among Shades: Chapter Eight

To Waltz Among Shades: Chapter Eight: Understanding

“Ouhf,” Luka grunted as Marinette pinned him down on the chaise longue.

“Say it again,” she challenged, swinging her leg over so that she was straddling him.

“If I do, will you beat me up?” he snickered, sounding like he fancied the idea.

Marinette shifted her weight back onto Luka’s lap.

Luka hissed.

“I can do worse than beat you up, Bluebird,” she reminded with a predatory smirk.

“Is that a promise?” he hummed, cheeks warming up. “If so…‘I don’t get what your deal with neon-colored tulle is’.”

Marinette opened her mouth to launch into a diatribe on her plans for her newly acquired neon-colored tulle, but she was, sadly, cut off as Sabine called up the stairs.

“Marinette! Adrien is here to see you!”

Marinette’s eyes went wide as she practically threw herself off of Luka, dashing over to her chavel mirror to check her appearance.

Luka propped himself up on his elbows, looking back over his shoulder at his girlfriend as she fussed over her hair and clothes. “My Love…what are you doing?”

“Making sure I don’t look like I’ve been sucking on your tonsils for the past hour,” she half-snapped, half-whined in distress at her plight.

Luka opened his mouth to state that they’d only been making out a little, that they’d mostly been talking about her new design ideas with a few kisses in between, and that they’d been downstairs eating breakfast with her parents only twenty minutes prior, so it was impossible for them to have been making out for “the past hour”, but Marinette steamrolled ahead, not giving him the opportunity to speak.

“I mean, what is Adrien going to think if we come down all rumpled and mussed and-and guilty-looking!”

Luka was about to respond that Adrien knew they’d been in a relationship for the past four years and probably wouldn’t be all that scandalized by the fact that Luka and Marinette occasionally expressed their love for one another in a physical manner, but Marinette answered her own question as she raced over to her vanity to douse herself in perfume.

“He’s going to think I’m a slut, that’s what!” She threw her hands in the air for emphasis.

Luka frowned, pushing himself up to seated. “In my family, where my mother has a list of men who could possibly be my biological father and a separate list for my sister’s candidates, we don’t slut shame.”

Marinette blew out a breath, letting her shoulders slump. “Luka, you know what I mean.”

Luka stood up and strode over to her, taking her face in his hands and staring pointedly into her eyes. “Chanson, don’t throw that word around. You’re not doing anyone any favours. Besides…Adrien knows what kind of person you are. He respects you, and he wouldn’t think badly of you, even if you did choose to share your affections more freely like my mom does.”

He leaned in, bending down to place a gentle kiss to her forehead.

She wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him in close even as he straightened up.

“Sorry,” she whispered into his chest. “I didn’t realize it was a touchy subject.”

He snaked his arms around her, giving her a squeeze as he rested his head on hers, breathing in the clean scent of gardenias from her perfume.

“It’s okay,” he assured, giving the top of her head a kiss. “You look beautiful, so go down and see your Prince Charming already.”

She pulled back to look up at him, puzzled. “You’re not coming too?”

Luka shook his head and shrugged, gently extracting himself from her. He headed back over to the chaise, scooping up his acoustic guitar on the way. “Adrien came here to see you, not me. It’ll be good for you two to talk. Besides, don’t you want some alone time together?”

Marinette shifted uncomfortably, grumbling under her breath at being known so well.

Luka rolled his eyes, waving her off. “Don’t worry about me. I can entertain myself.” He played an ascending and descending arpeggio into a C major chord and grinned. “Have fun, Chanson. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Marinette rolled her eyes, shaking her head as she smiled good-naturedly. “Because that rules so many things out.”

Luka answered with a shrug, beginning to play the sad melody Marinette had always thought of as a bird calling for its mate.

 “Sabine, it’s really okay. I actually did eat breakfast,” Adrien protested minimally as his host tried to make him sit down and eat.

He was lying about the breakfast, and he really did want the pastries she was trying to offer him, but he knew he couldn’t stomach anything at the moment. He knew he’d be sick if he tried to force something down, he was so nervous about seeing Marinette again.

Sabine clicked her tongue. “Xiao Mao, I worry about you. You were thin enough before for modeling, and now you’re just a walking clothes hanger. When are you coming for dinner? You said you’d call, but it’s been more than a week. I don’t mean to pressure you, Dear, but I’m pressuring you.”

“Soon….. If things go well with Marinette today,” he qualified.

Sabine made to reply, but Marinette chose that moment to come down the steps, drawing Adrien’s attention.

Marinette and Adrien locked eyes, silently taking each other in for a moment.

Marinette finished her descent carefully and, reaching the bottom, tucked a stray bang back behind her ear, gulping. “H-Hi, Adrien.”

Adrien could feel his throat constricting. Seeing her made his chest ache with longing.

“Marinette,” he breathed.

They stared at one another, one frozen by nerves, the other overwhelmed with emotion.

Somehow, it was different from the time a week before when they’d been scared to step on each other’s landmines. This time they were both going into the interaction expecting more of a positive outcome, but coming face to face with the other still triggered uncertainty and a kind of giddiness.

“How are you doing?” Marinette ventured tentatively.

Adrien snapped back to himself, hand going to the back of his neck to rub anxiously. “Oh. Uh…well. I’m…I’m doing well. You?”

The corners of her mouth turned up in an unsure smile. “Good. I’m good too.”

Sabine grimaced at the awkward behaviour as she glanced back and forth between the two.

Marinette slowly made her way over to where Adrien and her mother stood by the kitchen table. “Um…Was there any special reason you came over, or…just dropping by?”

“Oh!” Adrien exclaimed, suddenly remembering the whole purpose of his visit. “Yeah. Sorry. I actually came to give back—” He cut himself off, eyes flickering to Sabine for a second before he continued, “—the thing I borrowed last time. And to see you, but…”

“Right! Right, of course,” Marinette laughed, but her voice sounded strained. “Um…How did the piano recital go?”

“Better than expected, actually,” Adrien chuckled with a genuine grin. “The thing you gave me made all the difference. Thank you again for trusting me with it.”

With a sigh, Marinette reached out and took his hand. “Minou, you know I trust you with my life.”

Sabine broke into a wide grin at the promising scene playing out before her.

Adrien’s own smile turned sheepish. “I’m sorry for doubting…but with everything that happened, I thought you’d lost faith in me.”

Marinette sucked in a sharp breath. “Oh, Adrien….” She shook her head, the saddest, most gentle look in her eyes. “Never.”

She gave his hand a squeeze, and he squeezed back.

Marinette looked to her mother and smiled pointedly. “Maman? Would you mind giving Adrien and me a minute?”

Sabine’s grin slipped into a look of disappointment at not being able to see how the scene ended, but she didn’t protest. She put on an easy smile and nodded. “Of course, Honey. I’ll go down and help your father. Just make sure he eats before he leaves.”

“Can do,” Marinette promised.

“Goodbye, Adrien. Don’t be a stranger,” Sabine instructed, making her way towards the door.

“Thanks, Sabine. See you soon.”

Marinette noted how much like his old self Adrien looked in that moment: winking and waving goodbye to her mother as he smiled warmly. It was such a relief to see him looking better. He was still a shadow of his former self—still pale, still thin—but his eyes looked brighter, peridots glinting in the sunlight once more. He looked well.

The apartment door closed, jolting Marinette back into the present.

She dropped Adrien’s hand.

“So!” she exclaimed with a big smile. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Adrien chuckled. “Oh.” He pulled the box containing the Fox Miraculous out of his pocket and set it on the kitchen counter. “Before I forget,” he explained.

Marinette nodded…but then stopped as her eyes caught on Adrien’s, picking up on the sudden emotion in those leaf-green pools that had her feeling like she was drowning.

He stepped in, and suddenly his arms were around her, pulling her in tight like he’d done many a time after they’d narrowly survived a particularly rough akuma attack.

“My Lady,” he whispered reverently into her hair. “My Lady.”

The words were all need and longing.

He held her with the urgency of a drowning man clinging to driftwood, as if she were the only thing keeping him afloat.

“Chaton,” she answered, letting her own arms embrace him.

“I watched your speech,” he informed, voice trembling somewhat.

Her fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt. “O-Oh?”

He held her tighter. “Thank you. For standing up for me, for believing in me…for even going so far as to try to get them to stop vilifying my father so much…for trying to get them to understand.”

“Of course, Chaton. It’s…it’s literally the very least I could do,” she replied, voice cracking a bit as tears began to sting at the corners of her eyes.

“My Lady…Marinette…” He pulled back slightly to meet her gaze. “You didn’t fail.”

She started to shake her head as if to argue with him. “Adrien, I—”

“—You didn’t fail,” he repeated, gathering steam. “You did everything you possibly could. What happened wasn’t your fault.”

Her mouth dropped open, and she stared at him. “It…wasn’t?”

He shook his head, sliding his hands down her arms to take her palms in his. “I have never blamed you.”

A small gasp escaped her lips, but she couldn’t find words. The tears waiting in the wings finally started to stream down her face in a rush.

His eyes filled with regret and compassion as he let go of one hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “It wasn’t until I saw your speech last night that I realized…you’ve been blaming yourself this whole time haven’t you?” he asked softly.

She choked and nodded.

“Oh, Buginette,” he sighed, leaning in to press a whisper of a kiss to her forehead. “We need to talk. Come sit with me.” He gently tugged her over to the couch.

They snuggled up together, side by side, fingers of one hand intertwined, shoulders, hips, and legs pressed together, heads inclined towards the other’s.

“You really don’t blame me?” Marinette timidly inquired.

Adrien shook his head.

She slumped into him. “I thought…I thought you did.”

“No,” he repeated.

“I thought for sure…I mean…I ruined your life. Why—?” She looked up at him, searching his face. “I thought you never wanted to see me again. I thought I was just a big, walking reminder of your family being destroyed and your company ruined and your life in shambles. I thought you hated me.” A few more tears escaped down her cheeks.

His voice caught in his throat, frozen there in shock. “Is that…why you’ve been avoiding me this past year?”

She nodded. “Why don’t you hate me?” she wondered in a small, fragile voice.

“I don’t think I could ever hate you.” He gave their joined hands a squeeze. “You know how I feel about you…Marinette and Ladybug. My feelings for you have never changed.”

She squeezed his hand hard as her head dropped forward and she started to tremble.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. It was all she could manage at the time, overpowered as she was by the immensity of her mistake.

“It’s okay,” he assured tone soft and gentle, as if he were handling a tiny, breakable creature. “I’ve never blamed you. I…” He bit his lip, debating for a breath before deciding that he needed to continue, to get the feelings out there. “The only thing you did wrong was not being there for me when I needed you.”

Marinette snapped out of herself, tears drying instantly. She uncurled from her hunched position and looked up at him, eyes wide.

“I needed you,” he repeated gently, trying not to come across as accusatory. “…and you weren’t there by my side. I know we can’t change the past, so there’s nothing either of us can do about that now, but…” His teeth sank into his lip once more. “I’m still kind of messed up about it. I’m still trying to come to terms with it…forgive you for not being there…because I love you, and I want things to be okay again, but…”

He looked directly into her lapis blue eyes. “It hurt, feeling abandoned…”

She drew in a sharp breath, but it felt like all of the oxygen had been knocked out of her.

“…when everything was falling apart and everyone was turning on me… I needed you, Bug. I needed you, Marinette…and you weren’t th-there.” He choked on the last word, his voice cracking as the tears began to spill.

She pulled him into her. The position was a little awkward, and he ended up with his head on her chest, kind of tipped over in a side hug, but neither of them could be bothered to care.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Adrien. I’m sorry, Minou. I’m so sorry, Chaton. I’m sorry,” she repeated over and over in dozens of variations until the words lost all meaning.

She nuzzled his hair, pressing little kisses wherever her lips happened to brush.

Her fingers started working through his hair, tracing lazy patterns along his scalp.

She held him, and they both cried, devastated at the realization of how stupid they’d been, how much they’d hurt themselves and each other, all without reason. It had all been senseless pain and time lost.

 The minutes slipped by, and Marinette’s hand continued its work in Adrien’s hair. Eventually the tears dried, and a low purr began to rumble in Adrien’s chest.

Marinette chuckled softly. “I’ve missed that sound.”

“Hmm. Marinette always did like the purr, didn’t she?” Adrien snickered. “So, can you tell me why Ladybug always gave Chat so much crap about it?”

Marinette’s fingers stilled.

Adrien pushed his head up against her hand with a throaty mewl of protest. “Don’t stop.”

With a half-hearted sigh, Marinette resumed her ministration. “…Same reason Ladybug never liked Chat Noir’s puns. Timing…. And it was fun to tease you. I didn’t realize you were actually sensitive about it until much later…. Sorry, by the way. For being insensitive.”

“Meh. No harm done,” he sighed, repositioning so that his head rested on her shoulder, his face in the crook of her neck. The angle was a little uncomfortable due to the height difference, but her warmth, the comforting solidity of her body pressed to his, and her sweet scent cocktail (strawberry shampoo, oatmeal bodywash, gardenia perfume, sweat, a hint of pine, and that bakery smell that had permeated her essence) were all each individually worth the crick in his neck. Put together, they were irresistible.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he realized for what was probably the thousandth time.

“I missed you too,” she whispered back, running a hand up and down his spine.

“This year has been hell,” he chuckled bitterly. “My friends have gotten me through it, but…this year has been hell.”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” she replied, her eyes started to tear up once more.

“I thought…” He swallowed and tried again. “My father’s death…until recently…until I did the piano recital on Tuesday…I thought that was my fault.”

Marinette felt like all the oxygen and heat had been sapped out of the room. It was like being sucked into outer space without a space suit. Cold and suffocating. “W-What? No. Adrien, no. No….” She shook her head, holding him tighter. “No. No.”

“I thought he fell because I called him ‘father’ and that surprised him and made him lose his balance,” Adrien explained. “I thought you couldn’t catch him in time because the shock of learning my identity distracted you. That second part is probably true to some extent, but now I’m thinking…maybe he was already losing his balance before I said anything. The wind was really strong that day. His shoes weren’t exactly made for balancing on railings. I probably didn’t help, but it probably wasn’t my fault.”

“Adrien, I…I was already distracted the moment he dropped his transformation,” Marinette confessed. “As soon as I saw it was him, I was thinking ‘Oh my God. That’s one of my best friends’ dad. That’s my fashion idol. Adrien’s father is Papillon. I’m going to get Adrien’s father arrested. Adrien is never going to speak to me again. I’m never going to succeed as a designer. No one is ever going to hire the girl who got Gabriel Agreste arrested. My life is over. My career is finished. Adrien is going to hate me. I—”

“—You are really good at negative thought spirals, you know that? I should take lessons from you,” Adrien interrupted. “…Have you ever considered trying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? It’s doing wonders for me.”

Marinette cleared her throat. “I’ve entertained thoughts of giving it a try, but not seriously.”

“I’d kind of like you to come with me for one of my therapy sessions so that we can talk some things out in a structured, mediated environment—if you’re comfortable with that. …Maybe, if you like my therapist, you could make an appointment to talk to her about some of the garbage you’re dealing with sometime. You don’t have to be crazy to see a therapist, you know.”

“I know,” she quickly interjected.

Adrien kept going. “I think everyone could benefit from having someone listen to their problems and help them strategize about how to deal with those problems in the most constructive, effective way.”

Marinette pursed her lips.

Adrien’s gentle suggestion felt a lot less invasive than any of the times Luka had brought therapy up. For once, she didn’t feel like she was being attacked or told that she was doing things wrong. With Luka, it always felt like he was implying that she wasn’t handling things well. It felt like he was telling her that she was failing and needed help. The way Adrien talked about it, it made perfect sense…like everyone needed a therapist and the crazy ones were the ones who didn’t go in for counseling. Who didn’t want someone to try to help fix their problems?

“I could go in with you, if you think that would help. I’d…if you want me to go, I’ll go with you,” she agreed.

“Thanks, Princess,” he purred, nuzzling her neck lovingly. “And thanks for telling me about how you were already freaking out when you saw my father was Papillon. That…that really helps. If you were already distracted, then learning my identity on top of that probably didn’t make that much difference. I mean, it did, but…”

She nodded. “Yeah. No, my brain was already fried at that point.”

Adrien breathed out a heavy sigh. “Okay. Good…. Now I just feel kind of stupid for thinking I killed my father for a year.”

“Oh, Adrien,” Marinette whispered, heart aching. She gently nuzzled his hair. “I’m sorry.”

“It gets worse,” he hesitated to admit.

She cringed. “Worse?”

He nodded. “So, I blamed myself for my father’s death…and I thought you did too.”

Marinette’s heart dropped yet again into her stomach. “No. No. No, no, no. Why?”

He shrugged. “I mean…it was obvious to me that it was my fault, and when you go through trauma like that…seeing your father go splat,”

She winced.

“the shock of your parents being supervillains, your life as you know it being turned upside down, losing everything and everyone…”

She pulled him in closer, determined to make up for him ever feeling alone in his entire life.

“…When you go through trauma like that, your head gets a little messed up. You don’t think right, so…and you were avoiding me. I thought, especially after everything that happened, my partner, my friend would be there for me…but you weren’t.” He swallowed and forced himself to get the words out. “You weren’t, so I thought that you didn’t want to be around me…or be my partner…or my friend. Everybody else was turning on me…my fans, the media. I was getting death threats. The staff all quit. Everyone was leaving. People didn’t even want me for my money anymore. It wasn’t such a stretch to think you didn’t want me anymore either.”

“Oh, God,” Marinette hissed. “No. No, no, no. Minou, I’m sorry. I am a colossal screwup. I panicked. I thought you’d be better off without me around. I jumped to conclusions. I thought you didn’t want to see me. I never would have abandoned you if I’d known. I promise you. Adrien, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s…it’s not okay,” he responded honestly. “I mean…I accept your apology, and I want to be friends again…I want you back in my life…but…you hurt me. Really, really bad. You hurt me, and that wasn’t okay. I’m still working on forgiving you. I want to forgive you because I know that not forgiving you isn’t good for me either, and I love you,”

Her heart jumped.

“…so I want things to be okay between us, but it’s going to take some time to get there. We’ll have to work to rebuild trust, rebuild the relationship.”

“Just tell me what you need me to do. I’ll do it. Anything,” she assured, eager to fix what she’d broken.

“For now, maybe work on asking me what I’m thinking and feeling instead of assuming that you already know,” he suggested. “I know I’m guilty of playing ‘mind reader’ too sometimes, but…we lost a whole year of our friendship and went through all that suffering because we didn’t ask one another what we were really thinking. I feel just sick thinking about all that time we’re never going to get back.”

She let out a ragged sigh and squeezed him. “I promise I’m going to work on it. I promise I’ll work on communication. The next time I start to go off on one of my end-of-the-world spirals, I’ll check in with you before I act on any of my conclusions. Okay?”

He nodded, pressing a feather-light kiss to her throat. “Okay. Thanks.”

He slowly pulled away, sitting up and missing the warmth of her arms immediately.

Her eyes searched his face.

“Can you do one more thing for me, please?” he tentatively inquired, embarrassed to ask.

“Anything,” she was quick to promise.

A cinnamon blush spread rapidly over the bridge of his nose. “Could you please say, ‘Adrien, I don’t hate you’?” He looked down to the side. “Sorry. I just really need to hear you say it.”

Her mouth fell open in shock. “You thought I hated you?” she breathed, horrified by the prospect.

He nodded. “I still kind of am struggling with that. I mean, objectively, I know you don’t, but a part of me has been thinking you hated me for the past year, so—”

“—Adrien,” She cut him off, taking his face in her hands and making him meet her gaze. “I have never hated you. Adrien Agreste, I love you.”

He stared at her speechlessly, blinking in stupefaction. “Uh…Oh. Oh.” He gave a nervous laugh, straining to smile. “Sorry. Right. You mean platonically. You surprised me for a second.”

Marinette shook her head, enjoying the feel of his face heating up between her hands. “No. I mean I’m in love with you.”

He blinked again, his brain crashing and trying to reboot. It gave up when she leaned in and pressed her lips to his.

It took a second, but then he was kissing her back, letting her push him down onto the couch, letting her push his legs apart and out of the way so that she could lie on top of him, chest to chest.

It was a sensory overload of the heat of her body, the pleasant pressure of her weighing him down, her tongue exploring his mouth, and her hands rifling through his hair.

She gave his hair a tug, and his hands tightened on her hips as he moaned in bliss.

He’d dreamed about this. He’d wanted this for years. It felt too good to be true, but it was actually happening. He’d never dared to believe he could have this. Marinette and Luka had always seemed like an invincible couple that Adrien could never hope to come between. Sometime like this had seemed impossible.

Suddenly a red flag went up in Adrien’s mind, and he turned his head away, breaking the kiss, gasping, “You have a boyfriend.”

Marinette pushed herself up onto her hands and knees, looking down at a nearly undone Adrien with a soft smile. “Don’t worry. My boyfriend’s in love with you too.”

Adrien’s eyes went wide, dumbfounded by the revelation, not sure if he’d heard correctly.

“Hey,” Luka snapped from where he’d been eavesdropping on the stairs.

[watercolourferns]

Hey you, sick Anon, fuck you.

Ok, to start with. I’m extremely sorry to anyone who got worried or scared about my post of me being su*cidal. I still am, I still feel like jumping off the city’s tower, but I won’t. Which means that I have it more or less under control. Thank you so much for reaching out, you are true friends and I love you all so so much, you have no idea. Alright, onto the nitty gritty... So I got this in my ask box.

I think I know what prompted this more than childish anon to send me this uncreative shit of an ask, but I will humor it, just so everyone knows exactly who I am and what is unacceptable to send me. Ok, first off... way to talk to a r*pe, ab*se, and ped*philia survivor. I was r*ped between 23 and 25. I’ve been ab*sed all my life, and I was groomed at 12-13. But yeah, way to go, dear.

Second, yes, rape fanfics CAN be therapeutic to some survivors, not all of them. For example they trigger ME, but not some people I’ve met due to therapy groups. It just helps them scrutinise the situation in a safe environment.

Third, ravishment is a very EXTREMELY common fantasy amongst human beings, specially amongst people within the BDSM community (you know? where the Shibari and bondage people use on Julian comes from...?). It’s one of the top fantasies women report having and asking their partners to act out with them. Desmond Ravenstone has written articles and two books about this subject. If you’re legal I suggest you educate yourself about this subject, fucker. He’s very thorough about it and goes about the subject from the psychological POV in a very thorough way. That said, it can only be indulged in by consenting adults who are thoroughly informed and have taken precautions about it. BDSM is to only be practiced by consenting adults who have educated themselves.  I DON’T RECOMMEND ANY OF THIS IF YOU’RE EASILY TRIGGERED LIKE ME.

Fourth, I actively call out p*dophiles, p*dophilic behaviour, and those people call MAP’s BECAUSE I WAS GROOMED. I can’t have normal relationships with men because of it, I’ve had to go to therapy because of it, even 20 years after what happened I still can’t come to terms with that happened to me. The moment I found out I literally threw up, my brain can’t process it, I’m still being a victim even at 31 years of age. Same goes for incest. I’m not a survivor of it, but I know people who are of both, and I’ve had to hold them while they cry their eyes out, trying to explain what they feel and why they feel it, that they won’t have children because of it, that they can’t do anything about it because their abuser is still in their house... etc etc. The damage they have been put through is one of the saddest most horrible things I’ve ever learned about and both have a special place in any hell.

Now tell me how much of an advocate for either I can be... Come to my face and tell me about it, please, I’d love to know what shit roams in your otherwise empty skull.

Fifth: I said I thought I knew what prompted this and I think it was that stupid post I reblogged about taboo ships and shit. D’you have any idea why I did it? BECAUSE I SUPPORT MONSTERFUCKERS AND LUCIO STANS AND FURRIES. All of these are pretty taboo regardless of what people say, ask anyone who doesn’t reblog anything like that and they will go all “WTF?!” on you. So, it’s taboo. I also support BDSM in fanfiction, for example, which is a taboo subject in itself. If my mistake was not putting that in the post, well boohoo. That doesn’t give you a right to send me such an ask, imbecile.

And lastly: WHO AM I TO TELL OTHER PEOPLE WHAT FANTASIES THEY SHOULD HAVE?! Unless it’s p*dophilia and no minors are involved, then who the fuck cares what fantasies anyone has?! Fantasies don’t hurt people, and specially if they are therapeutic for them, why do you think you have a right to tell anyone anything about them? AGAIN, AS LONG AS NO MINORS ARE INVOLVED (p*dophilia), AND NOBODY GETS HURTS (r*pe and inc*st), AND EVERYTHING IS BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS, WHO CARES?!

Damn, there’s acceptable things, there’s “meh, I’ll get over this” things, and then there’s this fucking anon... We have a phrase in Mexican Spanish for this: No tiene madre este pendejo.  If you wanna attack me, go ahead. But joke’s on you, my anons are off. So unless you’re a bitch that holds a grudge because you have no life outside of doing these things... then people will know exactly who you are and will call your shit out, you lily-livered cretin.

Also, think it twice about sending anyone else such a message. I’m fortunate enough to have friends who care about me, but others might now. Do you really wanna have someone’s su*cide on your hands because you can’t ask a decent question without needlessly attacking people? ’Cause that’s what you’re looking at if you continue like that, and karma is a fucking bitch, you have no idea...

Anyways, that’s all I have to say about this. I’m sorry for my anxiety ridden followers, but anons won’t come off in a long time. u_u I promise I won’t let anyone bother you if you want to send me an ask without anon. ^_^  Have a nice day everyone, except the fucker who thought it was funny to make me suicidal...

[tiny-princess-catherine]

a tiny princess’ big list of favorite games

It’s been about three years since I sat down and considered my top 10 favorite games, and I was curious to see how my tastes had changed. I love making lists, and this was really  fun! I ended up writing a whole fuckload of words about them so I’ll put them beneath a read more; feel free to read over them if you like!

Doom II is, for my money, the greatest videogame ever made. No other game has captured the purity of gameplay and design that was managed back in 1994; it’s nearly perfect in every way. Monster and weapon design encourage you to be moving constantly, never hiding behind cover but weaving between attacks. Every monster is threatening in its own way -- the deadliest enemy is the shotgun guy, one of the earliest and weakest you’ll see. Every weapon has its use in various situations (except the pistol, unfortunately). The level design was, by and large, better than the previous game, but even if you don’t like those levels, the game is infinitely moddable and tens of thousands of maps have been released over the last twenty-four years. I’ve sunk thousands and thousands of hours into the game and it absolutely never gets old. Doom II is perfection.

Chrono Trigger is a game that needs no introduction or explanation; anyone who has played JRPGs has assuredly played Chrono Trigger, and it’s much-lauded for very good reason. The characters are varied and interesting, the battle mechanics utilizing combos and positioning are compelling and encourage you to swap around characters in your party to find out what all the double and triple techs are. The plot is a masterful swerve from ‘extremely standard’ to ‘what the fuck is happening’, the prime antagonists extremely memorable (Magus, Queen Zeal, and Lavos are all much more complex than they seem at first glance, and the game fleshes them all out phenomenally), and the soundtrack puts pretty much every other one to shame. The game goes from comedy to pathos with ease, and it’s exactly long enough to finish right when it’s about to wear out its welcome. It’s a real, real good game, y’all.

Nearly the pinnacle of JRPGs, Suikoden II possesses, in my experience, by far the single most compelling story in a video game, and I think it’s largely in part because it keeps itself relatively simple. A story of war, of friends and family torn apart, allegiances shifting and loss and friendship; it never reaches further than it should nor ruins immersion for even a moment. It has some of the worst, saddest, most heartwrenching bad ends I’ve ever seen, and it was those that lingered in my mind far more than the ‘good ends’. The gameplay is fluid and a solid refinement of turn-based RPGs of the era, the spritework is beyond compare for each and every one of its 108 recruitable characters and the background art is perfect. The only real flaws it has is a bit of filler -- did we really need the Neclord subplot in Tinto? -- but it’s so minor as to not detract at all from the overall package.

I was six years old when Myst came out in 1993: my grandfather bought a new computer and Myst was a brand-new pack-in with the CD-ROM drive. From the moment I loaded it up, I was utterly blown away with the most gorgeously rendered, fully realized world I had ever seen in a videogame; keep in mind I was playing shit like SMB3 at the time, so Myst was a whole new world. It showed me that games could be so much more than what the NES could produce, it could be true worlds for me to explore. It helped me to learn how to read, hours spent in the library poring over the books there; it taught me my adoration for exploring empty, lonely places, and ultimately it was Myst that inspired me to legally change my name. Few games have had such a powerful impact on me, and it’s for that reason that I've forever loved the game (and the series that followed!) I cried and cried in simple joy when I learned about the recent kickstarter to rerelease all of the games; few things have managed to worm their way into my heart the way this humble little game did.

A much more recent addition, but no less important to me: Persona 5 was the first game in the series (including all of SMT) that I ever played, and the degree to which the fictionalized Tokyo is a world fully realized utterly blew me away. For dozens of hours, I lived with characters I came to love, I forged bonds and fought for justice, I agonized over which romantic overtures to accept (I went with Futaba my first time). The calendar and social link system is phenomenally cool to me, the battle system is fluid and intuitive, the Palaces had fun design (mostly; some exceptions exist). So deeply was I ensconced in that world that I ended up writing two hundred thousand words (so far) of fanfiction about it, as a result of one of the game’s few major flaws: for a game that seemed so willing to have the protagonist be such a blank slate and a cipher for the player, it saddened me immensely to be forced into one gender. Between that and a few other examples of somewhat socially regressive design (the gay panic scene, the treatment of Ann in some ways) I can’t say the game is perfect, but it’s awfully close to that for me.

I caught sight of the gigantic Earthbound box in a Blockbuster when I was a kid, and my curiosity demanded I rent it and see why it needed such a massive box - the answer, of course, was that it came with its own incredible strategy guide. Earthbound was my very first JRPG and welcomed me into a new kind of game I had never imagined. Fighting with numbers instead of jumping on an enemy's head! Equipment! Stats! A long, involved story that guided me through hugely diverse locations! Humor! Earthbound is a game that doesn't entirely hold up these days, gameplay-wise; there's way too much combat and there's not a lot to it, but its tone and writing remain absolutely top-notch, not to mention its soundtrack. Based on pure quality alone, Earthbound wouldn't be in my top 10, but its impact on my life is nearly more than any other game.

Guild Wars was a game before its time. It was perceived by many as a cheaper alternative to WoW, which had come out six months prior, but the comparisons between the games were never really fair. Guild Wars wasn't an MMO and didn't pretend to be one; it was a much cozier affair with many fewer people involved, the combat areas were all instanced to your party alone, and it had a massive emphasis on solo play with its NPC party member system. The story wasn't anything to write home about, the combat was effectively the same hotbar-based combat as WoW, and the level design was okay at best. All of that said, the character customization was incredible, forcing you to select only eight skills at any given time, so that along with the rest of your party, it was more like building a deck in a card game than standard class-based party composition. Its crossclassing was deep and helped to even further differentiate players from another, its mission system was memorable and fun, but what mostly makes Guild Wars stand out for me was the PvP content. Normally, PvP is something I have no love for, but the 8v8 guild battles were incredibly exciting, fast-paced, and frenetic like nothing else I've seen before or since. I fell in love with it right away and met a community of friends that lasted me for years, and ended up having another enormous impact on my life. I've spent four thousand hours in the game, enough to do literally every scrap of content offered, and still I go back every now and then to play through a mission; its systems just work so, so well. And this isn't even getting into a lot of the stuff that made it unique, like its super-customizable NPC party members, its incredible enemy AI, or the sheer uniqueness of the Mesmer class; there is a lot about the game that I just adore.

The RPG in which you don't have to kill anyone! Everyone knows about Undertale, so I'm sure I don't have to say too much about it. It took normal JRPG tropes and turned them on their head, its sense of humor and overall writing are absolutely outstanding, its characters memorable and varied, and the bullet hell gameplay a fun take on RPG combat. It marries its mechanics and plot more tightly than any other game I've ever played, its soundtrack is incredible, and its emotional moments took me all over the place; just thinking about the hug at the end of the game just makes me tear up. Past all the memes that spawned from it, Undertale is just an extremely solid game that more than lives up to the hype. Please play Undertale.

FFXIV, unlike Guild Wars, is a game that almost seems *after* its time. It came out in a post-WoW world where many MMOs had already played their hand and died, its combat isn't incredibly different from WoW and doesn't seem to have much to set it apart, especially considering it dares to ask a subscription. And yet, it has flourished to become one of the only subscription-based games remaining and has turned an incredible profit for its developers. This is all, I believe, because the game is a giant, well-crafted love letter to the whole series. Enemies, locations, plot mechanics are all deftly drawn from prior games and woven into a tapestry that clearly shows a great deal of love and affection for the previous entries. The story is phenomenal - not just for an MMO, but for games in general. The character animations, armor appearances, and glamour system make it one of the best dress up games available, and it helps that the combat is fun, the bosses true spectacle, and the developers remain wholly committed to the game, constantly releasing content every few months. It keeps a special place in my heart, again, for the people that I surrounded myself with while playing and the extremely fond memories I have of all of the things we did together ingame. FFXIV is incredible and more than just another MMO.

The last spot on my list was hotly contested, but I ended up having little choice but to give it to this bizarre, unknown little rhythm game. Thumper is incredibly unlike any other rhythm game you've ever played, however; even after I beat it I couldn't remember a single song, because it wasn't really about the music, which consisted primarily of pounding drums, howling screeches, and relentless, rising dread. The developers refer to it as 'rhythm violence', and that's an extremely apropos genre; the game is dark, heavy, and endlessly captivating. There's really no describing it, but it's an experience unlike any other. It's apparently available on VR, but I couldn't imagine playing it there - I'd have a heart attack.

[stacygarringer]

The Rona

We are on day 12 of self isolation. Not because we have symptoms, but because this virus could devastate our family.

Six months ago I started a biologic. It was actually a type of chemotherapy that wasn’t successful in killing cancer, but it does kill my immune system, and ironically that’s what my body needs to be able to heal. Crazy right?! When I agreed to treatment, I knew it would increase my chances for certain cancers and infections. The numerous blood tests and doctors visits before I was even allowed to start treatment made me realize very quickly this was no joke. This was and is very serious. I was petrified of starting treatments. I still am. Yesterday, I was supposed to walk into a local hospital, sit there for 6 hours while being given an iv infusion that will completely deplete my immune system for the next two months. I couldn’t do it. My doctor was kind and honest, that these are unprecedented times, and we just don’t know enough to justify risking my life. So I stayed home. I planted seeds and gave thanks to my body for all it has done for me. To know that if I got this virus, my body would not be able to fight it is terrifying. I am one of those people you hear about in the news. I had already been on high alert as the flu or just a cut on my finger could really be bad for me. Then came the Rona(yes that’s what I call it). From the moment I heard about it I knew my family’s life was going to change.

Before they closed the schools, Arrick and I debated on pulling the kids out of school to lessen our exposure. When you have a child with special needs and they are thriving in school, it is a HUGE deal to change their routine and let’s face it, I am no ABA therapist or teacher. I am merely a chronically ill mom who struggles on the daily to do what most people take for granted. So when the school called I was both relieved and terrified. Next week we start online school and I have chosen to live in la-la land until Sunday, because stress and worry are some of the biggest triggers of my Crohns flares. We have tried to implement a schedule, but that’s easier said than done. That’s kind of how our life is, everything is harder than it should be. So when we started self isolating we knew it was gonna be next level. We have laughed, cried, and laughed some more. I have wanted to gouge out my eyes and stick them in my ears at times. But we are safe. I am safe. And I know that everyday that passes is one day closer to this being over with.

The treatment I am on takes 6 months to get out of my system. So even after life has gone back to normal for most, I will still be self isolating. After the dust settles, my doc and I will talk about when to start my treatments back up. I haven’t stepped foot in a store or restaurant for weeks. I haven’t had a mcds unsweetened iced tea in 12 days and I’m pretty sure that has been the saddest/hardest part for me about this whole thing:).

I have sat back and watched this all unfold from a much different perspective than most people have. This isn’t just an inconvenience for my family. This could be a life or death situation for us. My biggest fear as an special needs momma is to not be here for my kids as they grow up. When you know your child will need assistance for the rest of their life, it makes the possibility of dying even scarier. The amount of responsibility is immense and inexplicable to those that have never walked this path.

Starting today, Indiana has implemented a ‘stay at home’ policy. I hope it was soon enough. Please, please follow it. For me, for you, for my family, for Arrick’s Mamo who hasn’t been able to have visitors at her rehab facility in 2 weeks. For sick children, the immunosuppressed, the elderly and the everyday people who are and will be affected by this virus. I hope that maybe, just maybe, this will be a time for people to reflect on their lives. On how we are all intertwined in this crazy thing called life. That your choices have the ability to change everything. I implore you to not take it lightly and think of others in the following days and months. Be safe out there, hopefully with the people you love, in the comfort of your home. ❤️

[kpopfanfictrash]

99 and Marlowe

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: You / Jongin

Genre: Soulmates!AU (kWritersNet May Prompt) + Angst 

Prompt: “You can’t eat solids, only liquids until Thursday.”

Rating: PG-13 

Word Count: 4,158

*Marlowe578 has entered the chat room* [10:24 PM]

Marlowe578: hey 99, you there? [10:26 PM]

Marlowe578: just watched West World and thought it was complete crap [10:28 PM]

*99problemsBUTaSnitchaintone has entered the chat room* [10:28 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: I shouldn’t be surprised by this. I know you hate everything, but I let myself hope. [10:29 PM]

Marlowe578: I refuse to be lectured by a child. It was just so impractical… If the robots were that terrifying, why didn’t they just burn them or destroy them? [10:30 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: See, this is what’s wrong with you old folk. Thinking you know everything. Nothing is new. Tell me, Marlowe – have you ever seen a robot? [10:32 PM]

Marlowe578: I’ve seen Christopher Walken, that’s pretty damn close [10:33 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: lol [10:33 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: There was nothing you liked about it??? [10:34 PM]

Jongin sits back, almost smiling in the light of his computer screen. 99 is young, that much is obvious by her ellipses and hyperbole. Everything is new, fresh and intense with her. Maybe that’s why Jongin enjoys her company. He knows 99 is a she from a slip-up she made once, accidentally sending him her grocery list instead of a novel attachment. Jongin opened it and nearly choked – tampons and avocados being the first and second items on that list.

If he doubted 99 was a female before, he didn’t then. You were, of course apologetic. Sending cringe emojis and memes until Jongin finally typed STOP in all capitals. That did it – rarely did Jongin express emotion outside of bored amusement, so when he did people tended to listen.

These days though, if Jongin delves into anything deeper than antipathy it’s near impossible to escape.

Jongin sets his fingers against the keyboard.

Marlowe578: The special effects of West World were cool [10:36 PM)

99problemsBUTaSni…: Wow, hopeless [10:36 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Is that all you wanted to say? Message me and shit on my favorite TV show? [10:37 PM]

Marlowe578: hey, you’ve shat on plenty of my favorite things in the past [10:38 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Name one!!! [10:38 PM]

Marlowe578: Tesla, Schubert, Oscar Wilde, Proust… [10:39 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: I said one [10:40 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Also, only pretentious people like Proust [10:41 PM]

Marlowe578: why hello, pot. Calling the kettle black. [10:41 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: hahaha Okay, I apologize. You gave me one suggestion that I love, so I thank you [10:42 PM]

Marlowe578: you’re welcome for your introduction to higher culture [10:43 PM]

Jongin sits back, tapping his fingers against his wooden desk he’s had since 1982. He met 99 on accident when he entered the wrong chat room. Jongin was rather disgruntled at finding himself knee-deep in some Young Adult vampire teen novel and didn’t fail to make his displeasure known. As soon as he did though, 99 appeared.

Jongin was called a snob, a nitwit and a newt amongst other things that night. Most of her insults left him gaping, staring open-mouthed at his screen. The creativity of 99 was astounding, as was the speed with which she typed. Her words flowed like water, the sudden barrage of insults made all the more impressive by her fault-free grammar. Jongin actually laughed, the first time in a long time such a thing had happened and that was the beginning of his and 99’s friendship.

Sometime after that Jongin ended up telling her about the movie his URL was based on. Only Lovers Left Alive, a vampire movie released a few years back which still gave Jongin chills every time he watched it. His URL was an ode to a side character, Christopher Marlowe. In the film Marlowe is a vampire who writes most of Shakespeare’s plays in the sixteenth century.

Marlowe578.

The Marlowe part comes from the movie, 578 being the year in which Jongin was born.

It’s not unheard of, living for multiple centuries. Fifteen centuries, though – Jongin sighs. He’s an anomaly. Maybe it’s why he relates so much to that vampire movie. 99 is typing, Jongin watches her ellipses blink as he stretches his arms overhead. The noise of the city drifts through his open window, the only sound helping him sleep at night.

Jongin can’t relax without the background noise, without distractions that don’t require actual participation. It’s why he continues to lose himself in his worlds – in fiction, science, anything that’s not real life. It was a long time ago Jongin stopped caring for the real world. The real world hasn’t really worked out all that well for him.

Soulmate. The concept is intriguing, if somewhat unrelatable to Jongin at the moment. The idea of one person you’re destined for, another human who completes you. In a world with 7.3 billion people though, what’s the chance you’ll find that person during your lifetime?

Jongin imagines those odds would be slim, if it weren’t for the freezing. The freezing is the point where people age until twenty-ish and then just… stop. Halting their decay until meeting their other half. Once they find them, their soulmate – they start to age again. Slowly. Together. Jongin has searched for this person for 1,439 years. Frozen with this face, this body until his soulmate is found.

It seems like a long time, if he stops to think about it. It’s at the point though, where the passage of time has dulled any fear or sadness Jongin feels about his existence.

The saddest part of eternity is having to spend it alone. His parents, sister, friends – they’re all gone. Jongin watched them meet their soulmates. Watched them grow old, have families and eventually die. With each death, he felt the uncertain chasm inside him widen.

99 is young still.

99problemsBUTaSni…: I watched Only Lovers Left Alive again [10:44 PM]

Jongin sits up to respond.

Marlowe578: It’s one of my favorite things to introduce others to a thing that they love [10:45 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Is that what you do for a living? Professional hobby-finder? You might want to start with Trump. He seems bored, trolling Twitter and whatnot [10:46 PM]

Marlowe578: sigh. 99, I was trying to enjoy my evening. Now I’m over here thinking about a pumpkin tyrant [10:48 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: LOL sorry. So, did you leave the house today? [10:49 PM]

Jongin glares at his screen, hands falling off his keyboard. 99 knows his age, knows how antipathetic he is towards the world and seems to take certain pleasure in teasing him. Not in a mean way, 99 is never mean. She isn’t malicious even when she’s calling him a sniveling, cowardly nincompoop. She’ll say all this and apologize moments later saying she doesn’t know what came over her and really hopes you have a nice day.

99 enjoys pushing Jongin’s buttons. Loves finding his triggers and making him angry, happy, sad. Her pushing has led Jongin to do some rather stupid things over the past year. Bungee jumping, line dancing, going to the circus. All of which Jongin was instructed to report back following. That’s how long he’s been talking to 99 for now – just over a year.

Marlowe578: I left the house. Went to the park, stared at a few squirrels and wondered how it’s possible they haven’t evolved in over 1,000 years [10:51 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: But why would they need to? They’ve got us humans feeding them, extending their species [10:52 PM]

Marlowe578: true. The park was too sunny. I squinted at various children and ended up going home [10:53 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: It must be so strange to see you in person, since you’re an actual grandpa trapped in the body of a young adult. Does Hollywood know about you? [10:55 PM]

Marlowe578: we can’t all be a few years past our freeze date, still confident that the world will do right by us [10:56 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: : (  [10:56 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: She’s out there, Marlowe. I know she is. [10:57 PM]

Jongin shuts his eyes. Keeping them closed until there’s another ping from his computer.

99problemsBUTaSni…: If she never shows though, at least you’ll have me [10:58 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: an actual bundle of sunshine! [10:58 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: the queen of quips! [10:59 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: the gatherer of geniality! [10:59 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: the minister of magic! No, wait that’s different [11:00 PM]

Marlowe578: let me know when you’re done [11:00 PM]

Marlowe578: … jester of joviality [11:01 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Omg a JOKE? A JOKE! THIS, FROM THE MONARCH OF MONOTONE [11:02 PM]

Marlowe578: I don’t want to admit I’m laughing, but I am [11:03 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Good! Haha okay Marlowe, got to go – sleep is calling. Tell me the new thing you do tomorrow, k? [11:05 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: night! [11:05 PM]

Marlowe578: night [11:06 PM]

*99problemsBUTaSnitchaintone has exited the chat room* [11:07 PM]

Marlowe578: sweet dreams [11:09 PM]

Jongin stares blankly at the page. Quickly, he shuts his laptop.

His bedroom is dark and he rubs his eyes, staring out the window at the concrete beyond. 99 isn’t real, she’s just a fantasy. An online persona, a portion of human that’s not whole. They might be friends, they might be friendly – but definitely no more than that.

99 wouldn’t think of Jongin in that way, anyways. She’s still in that phase of her life where everything is new, everything is exciting. Where possibility lies around every corner and the idea of her soulmate is still somewhere far in the future. A hypothetical concept, rather than tangible.

Jongin stands, stripping his t-shirt to toss this in a corner. His pants quickly follow, leaving him naked but for his boxers. As Jongin collapses on his bed, he stares up at the ceiling. Planning methodically for what he’ll do tomorrow.

Breakfast, sure. Eggs or maybe toast. He’ll work from home since Jongin is a computer engineer, one who takes government projects when he feels like it – mainly whenever he’s bored. It’s not like Jongin needs the money at this point, it’s more that he doesn’t like being idle. Jongin made his fortune early on. It’s not too difficult to do, given enough time and real estate. Jongin just likes working, likes something to do with his time that’s not thinking about the one thing he doesn’t have.

Jongin falls asleep slowly, the hum of his computer mingling with the street outside. Drifting over in waves until softly, he’s pulled under.

Jongin’s computer pings first the next night.

*99problemsBUTaSnitchaintone has entered the chat room* [10:50 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Marlowe, are you up? [10:51 PM]

*Marlowe578 has entered the chat room* [10:53 PM]

Marlowe578: good evening [10:54 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Marlowe… sigh. Today was absolute shit. [10:55 PM]

Jongin blinks at his cursor. This is unusual. Normally it’s 99 who consoles him, not the other way around. Slowly, he lowers his hands.

Marlowe578: what happened? [10:56 PM]

99 starts to type, then stops. Jongin pictures her erasing. Lowering her head in frustration before typing again.

99problemsBUTaSni…: My boyfriend broke up with me. [10:59 PM]

Jongin falls back in his seat. Ah. There it is, the answer to the question he didn’t even know how to ask. 99 is taken – or she was. It appears she’s now single, very much so. Bending forward, Jongin types back.

Marlowe578: he’s an idiot [11:00 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: He’s actually very intelligent. He went to a prestigious university, scored highly in standardized testing. [11:02 PM]

Marlowe578: an intelligent, emotionally stunted idiot [11:04 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: haha [11:04 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: I guess I knew this was coming. We’ve been dating for over a year and … no fireworks. No spark, no buzz, no zap. Aren’t you supposed to feel a zap when you meet your soulmate? [11:06 PM]

Marlowe578: you make it sound like a bug spray [11:06 PM]

Jongin stares at the screen for a while longer before he types again.

Marlowe578: my sister said it felt like sunshine. She was in the shade, beneath a giant elm tree when her skin… she said it glowed. Glowed, when she met him. [11:08 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: You have a sister? [11:09 PM]

Marlowe578: *had [11:10 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Oh, fuck. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. This whole thing just … I’m sorry. My problems are unimportant, compared to that [11:13 PM]

A smile crosses Jongin’s lips.

Marlowe578: don’t be sorry. It’s not often I get to talk about her. She’s been gone a long time now [11:14 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: I’m still sorry [11:15 PM]

Marlowe578: stop. Tell me what happened [11:16 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Well. He wasn’t my soulmate. I never felt that glow, I guess. But I still cared… He didn’t seem to think caring was enough [11:18 PM]

Jongin’s fingers curl into fists and he very slowly releases them. It’s infuriating anyone would hurt 99. She gives so much of herself – gives so easily and without judgement. Jongin wishes he could be like that. It’s not just the passage of time that’s made him this way – even when he was young, he was scared to be alive.

Scared of going outside his comfort zone, in case he was rejected. The idea of someone hurting 99 for being what Jongin never could be, makes him furious.

Marlowe578: he’s stupid if he thinks the love of soulmates is the only love that matters. All love is important, not just his [11:20 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Believe it or not, you just made me feel better J [11:22 PM]

Marlowe578: good. [11:23 PM]

Jongin settles back to stare at his screen. He’s about to say more when she responds.

99problemsBUTaSni…: Do you ever get scared? Scared your soulmate has already come and gone and somehow you missed them [11:25 PM]

Jongin can’t quite breathe. Without realizing it, 99 has hit upon the exact fear which keeps him up at night. What if his soulmate has already happened? What if they were already born, in the middle of living when they met their end. Though their bodies freeze around twenty, humans are still susceptible to harm.

Death by gunshot, stabbing, drowning, hanging. Anything could have happened to his soulmate – sweeping them from his life before they even entered. Leaving Jongin to be faced with an endless existence until his body disintegrates into the sun. He’ll never know that connection, never find the peace he craves. Somewhat shakily, Jongin types.

Marlowe578: Every day, 99. Every day I’m scared. [11:28 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Well. At least I’m not alone, then [11:29 PM]

Marlowe578: As long as I’m here, 99. You’ll never be alone [11:30 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Same. [11:31 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: I’m going to go to sleep, Marlowe… I’m exhausted. [11:32 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Thank you [11:32 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: For being here [11:32 PM]

Marlowe578: you’re welcome. [11:33 PM]

Marlowe578: goodnight [11:34 PM]

*99problemsBUTaSnitchaintone has exited the chat room* [11:35 PM]

The next day, Jongin leaves his apartment. Maybe it’s 99’s influence, maybe it’s something else entirely. For whatever the reason, he decides to eat lunch outside. There’s a deli 99 told him about he’s been meaning to try. The problem has always been that they’re only open at lunchtime and don’t deliver – so it means Jongin would be forced to go in person.

When he steps out on the sidewalk, he squints uneasily into the sun before catching himself. He should at least try to be present. Walking through the city is disorienting. It’s crowded and noisy, two things Jongin greatly dislikes. If it weren’t for background noise, he would have left long ago.

The hustle and bustle flows around him, easing Jongin into the tide of people. He allows himself to be carried, pulled along by this wave of humanity. The deli is a few blocks away and Jongin manages to arrive relatively unscathed. Unscathed but for one, rather unsettling incident which occurs when he’s nearing the building.

It’s one block away when he feels it. The day is sunny, so for a second Jongin thinks he’s stepped from the shade. Thinks his jacket is too heavy but then – the oddest sensation passes over him. A light tingling starting at the base of his neck before wrapping around his chest, wrapping around his torso. It spirals down his arms, caressing his fingertips as Jongin’s gaze snaps up.

There’s so many people though – too many to see through and Jongin stumbles, gaze darting every which way. Though he moves fast, pushed on by the bustling crowd, the tingling begins to fade away. Soon it’s nothing and outside the sandwich shop Jongin comes to a halt. It’s been so long. Hundreds and hundreds of years and now that the moment is here, Jongin can barely think.

After a few minutes of standing there wild-eyed, he becomes aware he’s garnering attention. Slowly Jongin ducks into the deli, head buzzing as he steps up to the counter. He ends up ordering the completely wrong sandwich. It’s impossible to think, given the situation. Impossible to sit here in this small shop and eat so Jongin ends up taking his sandwich with him. Walking dazedly back to his apartment as he struggles with the nausea in his body.

What if he just lost his soulmate for good?

No – straightening his shoulders, Jongin takes a deep breath. This is good, this is a good thing. Jongin’s soulmate exists. They exist, they’re here and they’re in this city. Excitement growing, Jongin slowly – for the first time in years – allows himself a bubble of hope.

Later that night, his computer pings.

*99problemsBUTaSnitchaintone has entered the chat room* [10:05PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Marlowe!!!!!!!! [10:06 PM]

*Marlowe578 has entered the chat room* [10:07 PM]

Marlowe578: your apartment had better be on fire [10:07 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: What, why? [10:08 PM]

Marlowe578: only a fire can warrant eight exclamation points [10:09 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: har-dee-har. If my apartment were on fire, why would I be chatting you about it? [10:10 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Anyways, I digress. Marlowe, something weird happened today [10:11 PM]

Marlowe578: what happened? [10:12 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Okay I’m going to sound crazy but… I think I passed my soulmate [10:13 PM]

Jongin can’t breathe. Can’t do anything but stare at the screen. His room is suddenly too small, too claustrophobic and for a solid minute he stares.

99problemsBUTaSni…: Marlowe? [10:14 PM]      

99problemsBUTaSni…: Okay, I’m just going to tell you anyways. I was going to get coffee and this amazing warmth came over me… this tingling. I was warm and I was tingling and before you even make a joke no, I didn’t need to pee [10:16PM]

Slowly, Jongin exhales. 99 was going to get coffee. 99 passed her soulmate on her way to get coffee. There’s no way it could have been Jongin, since Jongin didn’t even leave his apartment before lunch. Slowly, he lowers his fingers to type. Jongin’s head feels heavy, his thoughts numb and for some reason he’s disappointed.

Marlowe578: did you see his face? wow, 99 [10:17 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Your enthusiasm astounds me. LOL no, I didn’t see his face. Just, you know – *the feeling* I think I’ll stake out the place tomorrow. See if he shows up [10:18 PM]

Marlowe578: you should do that [ 10:19 PM]

Jongin looks suddenly away from his screen. As he stares out the window he wonders why he’s feeling so upset by this. He hasn’t been upset by something in a long time and besides, he also encountered his soulmate today. Jongin also passed his soulmate and should feel excited by this. He should want to tell 99 all it, instead of worrying about the fact that 99 might very soon be leaving him.

Jongin turns back to his screen.

Marlowe578: 99, I’m tired. I’m going to sleep but we’ll talk tomorrow, ok? [10:21 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Oh. Yeah, sorry! Sleep well [10:22 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Marlowe, wait [10:23 PM]

*Marlowe578 has exited the chat room* [10:23 PM]

99problemsBUTaSni…: Marlowe…. what if you aren’t sure you want to meet your soulmate? [10:23 PM]

When Jongin wakes, he doesn’t let himself to think about his conversation with 99. Instead he showers, repeating his daily routine and quietly redirecting his thoughts every time they stray to 99. Today she’ll find her soulmate. Today she’ll leave him and Jongin will be alone. He might as well get used to that fact.

Around lunchtime, Jongin decides to walk towards the deli. If he’s going to be alone for the rest of his life, he might as well be alone with someone else. The thought makes him wince. This is depressing. His soulmate is a soulmate for a reason. They’re meant for him, he’s meant for them. The thought makes his stomach sink though, worry growing heavier with each step.

When Jongin enters the deli, he pulls the rim of his baseball cap lower. Staring at the other customers while trying to appear as though he’s not. He orders an iced coffee, taking a seat towards the back and watching people enter from the street. Nothing happens though, no pulse racing or no tingle and eventually Jongin opens his laptop.

The words of the café surround him as Jongin starts to relax.

“So, I told her that he was crazy. Four weeks is way too long to change a pillowcase.”

“No, love. You can’t eat solids, only liquids until Thursday.”

“When I get home, okay? We can talk about this when I get home.”

He’s on page 254 of his book, halfway through chapter 25 when he hears the bell ding.

Heat blazes up his neck.

Jongin looks up, startled to make eye contact with the loveliest pair of eyes he’s ever seen. Slowly, the door falls shut behind you. The heat from his neck wraps his body, burning Jongin from the inside out. This isn’t just a tingle. His sister was wrong – this is a blaze, an inferno, a moment that swallows him whole.

You appear similarly entranced, staring at him with such sincerity that for a moment, Jongin doesn’t know where to look. That’s when the door opens behind you, smacking you upside the head and making you stumble. Jongin shoots upwards, forgetting his laptop entirely as he rushes across the room.

He comes to a stop before you, one hand on your elbow to steady you. The blaze has faded to a dull heat, pulsing through his body as you take a step closer. “Hi,” Jongin breathes, staring at you.

“Hi,” you say.

Jongin smiles. Your voice is warm, full of laughter and he can’t help but grin. “I’m Jongin,” he says.

“Y/N,” you respond, glancing over his shoulder. “Are you in the habit of leaving your expensive electronics out in the open?”

Jongin nearly laughs, raising an eyebrow instead. “Not usually, no.” He turns towards his table, looking back over his shoulder to see you follow. “I, uh.” He glances down at the floor. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Me either,” you confess, taking a seat before him. “Jongin,” you repeat, nodding once. “I like it. You know it’s odd,” you say as you survey his face. His deep, brown eyes. Sharp jaw and cheekbones. Soft, full lips. “I felt it yesterday when you passed me.”

Jongin’s lips lift. “I felt it too,” he murmurs, oddly shy for some reason.

“I didn’t want to meet you,” you add, watching his eyes widen.

“Oh?” Jongin seems surprised by this. “Why not?”

“I was just in a relationship,” you say, picking a spot on your jeans. “My boyfriend broke up with me two days ago. He said we weren’t soulmates and were wasting each others’ time. There’s also, well.” Here you pause, flushing when you look downwards. “There’s this guy. We’ve been talking online for about a year, discussing vampires and whatnot and I really thought I wanted to meet him.”

Jongin can’t move.

The room fades to black, then back into view around him. He scans you slowly, taking in your voice, noting your mannerisms. He looks at you again, seeing the Harry Potter keychain dangling from your wallet. It’s shaped like a snitch. Heart beating strangely fast, Jongin wonders if this is a moment of brilliance or insanity.

It can’t be you.

Slowly, he leans forward. “Did you… happen to get coffee yesterday afternoon?” he asks, your brow crinkling in confusion.

“I – uh, yes?”

Taking off his hat, Jongin sets this on the table beside him. He feels as though he’s going to be sick, feels delirious because – oh, you’re smiling again. “I just want to say,” he says, his voice low. “That boyfriend of yours is an idiot.”

Across from him in your tiny red chair, you stop moving.

Gaze lifting from your lap to his face while your expression shifts from confusion to something else entirely. “I,” you start to say, then stop. Your hand drifts to your mouth as you stare across the table. “He’s actually very intelligent,” you whisper.

Jongin’s smile widens, reaching to take your hand in his. Where he touches, there’s light. Sparks, fire - zip, zap, zop.

“99?” he asks softly.

Nodding, you lower your other hand to his. “Marlowe?”

“Jongin.”

kWritersNet May Prompt Event (soulmates!AU) + [3,000 Followers Drabble Game Master List]

[echo-espresso]

small little life update:

I don’t know if anyone will pay attention to this, or if anyone who is still an active follower even knows me IRL or CARES but whatever im happy and I don’t have too many outlets for all this good shit in my life

I moved in April, away from an abusive man and to a new city that felt just safe enough, and just new enough. I hid where I was going from him. He doesn’t know, not to my knowledge anyways. I started work at Starbucks, a company I’ve had experience with since I was 17. A real corporate starbucks this time, I’m a partner, with the free bag of coffee a week and free drinks and food, it’s a nice deal. I was thrilled on this new adventure, everyone at the store was so warm and welcoming, I found comradere with the closing staff most of all. It was a nice environment, we all bonded over weed and nerdy things, bullshit customers and relationship problems.

 And there was a ~boy~. JM. Okay, not boy. Man, full grown human man ten years my senior with blue hair and a zelda beanie and who was the most helpful and patient with me. I work in a rough part of the city. When I tell family and friends where my location is, their eyes widen. One of the best part of being a closer is that my closing crew takes no shit. They all made me feel incredibly safe, especially this ~JM~. I started getting excited when I saw him on the schedule with me. He was brand new, a far stretch from my normal type. Friendly and outgoing and incredibly smart and had this crazy cool life experiences. Protective in a very casual way, offering to walk me to my car when I’d clock out and nervously look at the dark parking lot. He casually called me beautiful, and everytime we’d work together, we’d end up just finding dozens and dozens of things in common, from weird personality traits, bad habits, our cat obsession. We ended up texting constantly, sharing music and bad relationship stories. I knew immediatley I would end up close to this JM person in some capacity. 

Aside from work, my life outside of it was awkward. I didn’t know many people here, aside from one close friend. I spent most off days in my apartment binge watching netflix, too broke to do much else. Every day I worked though I looked forward to it. People at work liked me, I was new but I knew plenty already, could bar with confidence and speed, had all of the product knowledge stored in my head to help customers. I was fast, always found something to do. 

JM opened up to me about his life. He’s a writer, like me, and was sharing pieces he’d written late in the night. At work, JM sung a lot, mostly doing dishes, mostly to himself. He told me it was to block out the bad memories. JM toured in Iraq with the US Navy, he was a medic. He likely has severe PTSD. He told me he sings to drown out the thoughts, that he sometimes forgets where he is, even at work. The singing annoyed some coworkers. After he told me that, it just worried me. I’d go to the back to make sure he was okay, which he seemed touched by. The pieces he wrote were haunting pictures of life during war. The violence he saw, participated in, and experienced is like nothing I could imagine. He shared stories with me he hadn’t told any other person. I did the same. He was a vault, a secret keeper, and so was I. We lived in eachother’s confidence, and found an inexplicable incredible amount of trust with one another. We both bore our own scars of trauma. 

The moment I decided he was special was when he told me a story about him in the Navy. One of my best friends growing up, Taylor, was also in the Navy. In 2015, my friend Taylor jumped off the boat she was stationed on. I cried for weeks. JM told me, not knowing about her, that he’d planned to do that same thing, years ago, standing on the side of the boat in the middle of the night. Something convinced him not to. 

He started cooking for me, bringing me food to eat on my lunch. When he got a horrible head cold, I brought him pho and nyquil. We started taking care of eachother, because nobody had taken care of us in a while. 

It was evident he was interested in me. My friend Julie met him and as soon as we left she told me “he is in love with you Abbi. Like full blown in love with you.” And despite my best efforts to remain professional, I couldn’t stop what was happening. At one point in the back room he was helping me grab something on a top shelf, and touched the small of my back, and my whole body went numb. I’d catch myself staring at him, memorizing his mannerisms. I’d notice the curve of his collar bone, the bulk in his arms. At one point in the back room the bottom of his shirt lifted and he had taught stomach muscles that made me turn bright red. Whenever I’d walk on a shift he’d yell “YAS” with such genuine glee. I started hanging out at his apartment, his roommate also works with us. We went to middle of the night carne asada fries, he gave me weed, we watched movies on his couch. He finally told me he planned to pursue me. I finally told him he needed to be patient. So he was. 

One night, he texted me that he needed me to come over. He couldn’t be alone, and his roommate was working late. He was shaky, tearful. Work had been bad, he’d snapped at a supervisor. The triggers had been getting more numerous. I listened to him on his porch, rubbing his back while he chain smoked cigarettes. He calmed eventually, I offered to take him to get food. After he was calm, he wouldn’t stop thanking me, telling me I was amazing. A few more days passed.

I’d had a bad day, one day, early summer. We were sitting on his couch, his arm around me pretty casual. It was me that broke the rule, that kissed him first. I was pretty forward, once I want someone I really want them. I asked him if I could stay over. He didn’t push sex on me, in fact we just slept in the same bed, his arms around me. But it was the best I’d slept in years, despite his apartment being 90 degrees. 

JM and I went to yosemite that day. We smoked weed on the drive up, listened to music with the windows down. Sat underneath the giant trees. The best part about he and I is we talk so easily. There’s never an awkward pause, just a constant cadence of conversation and joking. 

We joke now, 4 months later, that JM came over to my apartment and never left. He is my constant, my surprise addition to my life here. Nobody takes better care of me. He helps me with my bills, he is inexplicably not grossed out by most things. I wake up every morning to him telling me how beautiful I am. It’s literally the first thing he says to me, everyday. We cook for eachother, we explore the world around us. We never have a dull moment when we’re together, we make every day amazing even on our brokest, saddest days. It’s the first time I’ve had a relationship where there’s a realistic future. Which terrifies me. He makes everything so easy. I had a different picture for my life when I moved here, but this version is so much better. 

TL: DR???? 

IDK. I’m happy and in love and that’s the story.

[wakingupinparis]

Not the best of days!

Today was one of those depressed days, haven't experienced it since before the break up. Oh yes, there is a difference: the intense heartache i had after the breakup and then today, an emptiness and suffering that I’ve been trying to hide from people around me for years. Two separate sets of pain, I may be done with one but this one isn’t going away it seems. I don’t feel it’s like, a reaction to the breakup which certainly doesn’t shatter me anymore, it’s just something I’ve struggled with all along.

When i have those days, my world just seems so flat and grey and the part of me in love with life and people just seems to have flown out the window and I have to struggle as I find my way back. I don’t feel hope and i just start running inwards. Watching, reading, listening to the saddest things because those sad movies, poems and music would be the only things around to understand. 

It’s physically present too - I’ve always felt the onset in the horrible aching in my bones and muscles on such days that could sometimes feel like a stab as i’m moving about. Doctors thought it’d be fibromyalgia, or some nerve system acting up or a lack of vitamin D and prescribed me numerous muscle relaxants, blood tests and vitamins but i think it doesn’t take much to put it together that the pain comes only on my down days. Like i don’t quite have the heart to enjoy life at the moment, so my body just doesn’t have the will either. It makes me just want to lie in bed all day.

It was so, so hard when i had those days and then i had to go to work. I’d really struggle to keep it under control and put on a fake mask the entire day, it’d make me feel worse sometimes. But i was always just that close to breaking. On days like this, I admit i can be quite the little bitch, more selfish and even harder to ‘get’ because i’m fighting something inside me and people don’t really make it easier whether they know or don’t know.

I hadn’t really opened up about it to people. I tried. But it’s not an everyday topic now, is it? How do you suddenly say 'oh hey, by the way, i’m having a shit day today for no reason’? And i did try. When you start thinking really dark thoughts, like…escaping it, the pain, i think you know what i mean…well. That’s kind of like rock bottom.

My friends said, 'no you don’t need special help, you’ll be fine once x happens’ or 'just talk to us.’ But how? And i do make changes in my life constantly if i sense something is adding to it or if i feel doing a certain something will bring positivism, I do try. This thing, it doesn’t necessarily come on because of a certain trigger. It can just hit me one day when I wake up for no good reason, and last for ages no matter what. But i put myself in their shoes and i know i wouldn’t want that for them if there was a chance, i’d want love and friendship to be so powerful it’d fight it off and win. Most days, those things win. Today, they didn’t and it is not their fault. I cannot depend on people to keep me on the right road or pull me out of the darkness or look after me.

I’m lucky enough to have some inner strength, i guess. It helps me push through eventually and gosh, you don’t know how hard it is to do it, but i don’t crack as much as i might if i were less focused on fighting it. But yes, still there are times I do crack, i do snap, i do say vague unhappy things then continue on like nothing while leaving people scratching their heads. the older i get, the more exhausted i feel by this onslaught. I’m not as strong in certain ways anymore.

I’d take heartbreak over depression any time, at least i see that ending while this…this has been with me for years. Tomorrow, I may well wake up and not feel this. Or it can carry on for a few days. We’ll see.

[sandalwoodandjasmine]

More Questions Than Answers

(Letter To Iska//Status:Deleted) I found something beautiful. More beautiful than I could have ever predicted. I was so drawn to you. Something in your eyes, the way you presented yourself, introverted and withdrawn, yet you weren't afraid to draw the line, protect yourself. I figured if anyone had a chance of understanding me, it was you. And the day you walked away, was the saddest day I could have ever known. More so than losing my grandfather, knowing I'd never see my mother again, my fights with Rees--out of all of these, your transfer is what broke my heart the most. Everything I thought I had good was suddenly gone and I didn't know what to feel except the emptiness, the void inside. I knew I had a habit of pushing my luck and that my mouth wasn't always my most charming of attributes. I kept thinking that somehow I took you for granted. And later that my offense was unforgivable. I made myself internalize losing you. It made me hard, quiet, resolute to never offend in such a way again. I clipped my words, my ways. I went inward and guarded my thoughts, became more aware. I thought if there was ever a chance for such a bond to occur again, I wouldn't fuck it up this time. But deep down I held no such hope. I couldn't let you go. Then Elysium happened. There were so many emotions coursing through me I didn't know where to start. You lost your father. What right had I to send you that message? I acted on my first instinct, so I tried to support you even if by then we were perfect strangers.

It hurt even thinking you were destroyed by this turn of events. And all the newscasts called you a hero. The Alliance brass lined up to see you receive a medal. I remember sitting there in my assigned quarters watching this broadcast and wondering if it was really you there. You looked familiar like I'd seen those shots before and I'd know because I didn't miss any news when it came to your career, to you. But even if they were reused shots, I was glad to see your face. I never heard from you.

I cruised through until Akuze. When I thought I had it altogether, life came and smashed my face in the dirt again. I lived. They died. I wanted to die, too. Just be done, fade from this existence. I was in therapy for weeks. Somewhere along the way I talked myself up into a better state.

Your silence continued though. I didn't blame you. For anything. You let go a long time ago. I was the one that wanted to be angry at a distance you weren't even aware of. Time moved on and I learned to put away my childish desires. I began investing in myself, started minding the company I kept so I didn't keep any. Some superficial connections but I wouldn't risk being walked out on over and over. Everyone is always leaving, never staying. I tried to be grateful for the moment, to live presently, but that was a challenge. I faked it til I made it, somewhere else, to someone not me. They prepped me up for special operations. And honestly, it was the best thing to happen to me. Played at being a fixer. Made wrong things right. It felt good to have purpose. And I got to tuck away that old shell of mine of that sentimental kid with a bleeding heart, looking for someone else to help make sense of life. And then, it went a step further. I became someone else, someone stronger and built to endure, someone with burning determination and perseverance, a person who could roll with the punches... and I tempered it with compassion, to do right by others even when I had not been treated with the best intentions. Somewhere in that, things began to make sense. Then the brass messaged me, said they wanted me for a new job, said they wanted me stationed for the Normandy. Some new ship, wanted their best and brightest. I didn't think they meant me, but they wouldn't be argued down. They didn't say anything about you. That, I found out for myself. And when I did, it was too late to argue.

You might be asking why I wanted to argue to get off the Normandy when I felt so strongly about you. But that's why.

On top of everything I'd left behind was a pile of hurt. And seeing your face in person, shaking your hand, reopened old wounds. Beneath those wounds, the fact that I faced something I could never have. Even after all that time, my heart wouldn't be swayed. One look and it happened all over again. Our N7 pic went up in my locker.

It wasn't your fault. I was taunted daily but I promised I would do everything in my power to never misstep or undermine you.

And except for the smoking and excessive drinking, I did okay...

Being with you on the battlefield though? I mean, after our initial clashes? I never felt more alive. Feeling you at my back gave me confidence. When you charged through on electric blue, squeezing the triggers on my pistols never gave me a greater sense of purpose. It was like nothing changed... I felt so relieved. I knew without a doubt I’d fight harder for you than anyone else and do it with a smile on my face.

And therein a whole new level of hurt. To know we'd never really disconnected despite the distance and our separate journeys.

Was it really possible though? Somewhere in there did you feel the same, like we were old friends falling back together? Or was I fooling myself just because of what I felt before?

I wanted to ask you so many times. And I think you tried to hint to me, to say it directly... but nothing in me would hear it. I was convinced that my hopes were foolish.

Why am I whining... I'll never send this. I'll sleep it off, and wake up tomorrow, read this, and delete it.

Why can't I let you go?

That is the question I ask myself repeatedly.

I don't expect I'll ever have a straight answer. Is this obsession? Have I deluded myself? Did I somewhere pour too much importance into your existence? Idolize you?

I'll never understand my own feelings about  you....

Maybe one day...