#one of the hardest-hitting emotional moments in the show's history

[swan2swan]

A heartbreaking moment for most of the Camp Cretaceous fandom...

[roskirambles]

Horror Movie of the day: Dracula (1931)

The 1897 Bram Stoker's novel, a well known literary classic: the nefarious vampire who comes from beyond the Carpathians to take over England by settling in Cairfax Abbey, London. A blood eating fiend who is drawn in by the virginal Mina Murray, to then be confronted by her fiancé Jonthan Harker and Dr. Abraham Van Helsing. So when Tod Browning was hired to adapt it to the silver screen, from its theatre adaptation nonetheless, the end result became transformative in the world of cinema… forever.

Now, it's easy for modern audiences to be desensitized to its lack of violence and campy theatrics, with a performance from Bela Lugosi as the count that has been parodied to death and then some. And yet, over 90 years after it was seen for the first time it's still considered as THE iconic interpretation of the vampire upon which Halloween costumes are based on and from which many lines not found in the novel are imitated. Why is that? The key word is charisma.

Behind the obvious camp, there's something performative if not outright uncanny about the count. Yes, a 6 feet tall vampire who is always staring and cups the sky in his hand like a poorly directed Shakespeare villain can come across as a tad goofy, but he thoroughly sticks out and it's hard to look everywhere else when someone acts so strangely and somehow makes everyone start following his pace, simultaneously a relic of the time yet still captivating, magnetic even.

A pragmatic adaptation that simplifies the story (cutting out Lucy Westenra's suitors entirely, cutting Jonathan's trip Trannsylvania out) this film keeps most of the essentials about the book while optimizing the screen time, while changing the angle to emphasize the rivalry between Dracula and Van Helsing. The end result is moody and atmospheric, with some admittedly hooky effects but hitting just right at many moments.

It's only natural for a movie still worth watching.

Yes, I emphasized Lugosi's performance during the main body of review, but that was honestly warranted: a movie named after its antagonist lives or dies by that performance specifically, and the classically trained Hungarian honestly knocked it out of the park to the point he codified what vampires look like for decades, only horror film legend Cristopher Lee ever coming remotely close to the same leve of iconicity. But reducing the movie's success to JUST Legosi's performance is undermining the effort of the rest of the cast, with Edward Van Sloan's performance as Abraham van Helsing playing a great foil to the count, or Dwight Frye's compelling range as Renfield really selling the madness and tragedy of his character.

But above all, Tod Browning's directorial achievements in what was effectively a new field.

Sure, horror films existed before this one, so did Dracula adaptations even. But this movie had a challenge past ones didn't have to deal with: making horror work with sound. An herculean task he understood better than some people might give him credit for; while archaic to modern eyes with it's nigh total absence of music (including the now awkward use of Tchaikovsky's Swan's Lake as the opening credits theme), finding things like the sound creaking doors used to build tension THIS early in cinema history isn't as self explanatory as it might seem. It required an intuition as to how the soundscape of a situation instinctively affects the emotional state of the viewer.

That isn't to mention that for how shoddy those bats on strings look, the atmosphere of the film still manages to hit the mark. Even fairly goofy facial expressions can be rendered creepy under the right lighting conditions.

But then, there's some other matters about this film, like how the changes to the book have affected the perception of many characters (hitting Mina the hardest by making her JUST the damsel in distress), the fact Lugosi was not the first choice for Dracula and had to fight for it(showing that even back then you had an internal politics conflict in Hollywood), or the existence of a score which was added in later releases and adds to the film's atmosphere.

...or the fact it's actually TWO separate films from from the same script.

As dubbing and putting subtitles to films wasn't a common practice during the 30's, to export this movie to other markets a completely separate version in a different language would have to be made for each. And since Mexico is the immediate neighboring country, a Spanish version was shot at nights on the same sets as the English one, helmed by George Melford.

The end result is a very similar yet also decidedly different movie, lasting over half an hour more, addressing plot points that are either glossed over or shortly talked about, and having more ambitious cinematography, but with acting that doesn't quite match the overall level seen in Brown's effort. Specially poor Carlos Villarias, who was mandated to imitate Lugosi as close as possible and wasn't allowed to make the character his own, remembered only as a pale imitation of the so called original.

Still, a window into two different takes from the same script is a rarity in the world of cinema and well worth looking into.

[shiningshenanigans]

When Sacrifice No Longer Feels Loving: Raw, Messy, Emotional Thoughts on Loki Season 2

It’s been a little over two weeks since the season 2 finale of Loki came out, and although it’s been pretty much all I’ve been able to think about lately, I haven’t really been able to put my thoughts into words. And I have a lot of thoughts. I need to get them out of my system, and I’ve tried to write them down on multiple occasions, but every time I do, they keep getting stuck on the way out.   

So, I’ve decided to do something different. Rather than trying to analyze the series critically, I’m going to just start writing about how it made me feel, and see where it takes me. I’m not really sure what’s going on in my heart and mind as I reflect on this story, but I have a vague idea of the truth that it’s tapping into. Fair warning: these thoughts are going to get very Christian-y and preachy, so if the gospel is not your thing, I don’t know how much sense this post will make. But, if you’ve been having a similar experience with the season and care to read, I hope that you find some encouragement and truth in these messy, emotionally honest thoughts!

When I try to sum up how I feel about season 2 as a whole, the only word that really comes to mind is “upset.” I’m just upset about it. The morning after the finale aired, I woke up with a deep, hollow pit of sadness in my stomach. I broke down crying a couple of times over the next few days just thinking about certain scenes in episodes 5 and 6, and I couldn’t rewatch the finale for almost a week. 

Is it weird to feel this kind of grief over something as simple as a TV show? Yeah, probably. But I think that’s kind of the point. I’d been looking forward to the release of this season for two years. Without getting too personal, I’ve recently been through one of the hardest years of my life. Just this year, I’ve gone to two funerals for people that I grew up with, been in a car crash, faced rejection in a relationship that I had grown emotionally attached to, and mourned with my community as we experienced one of the most tragic shootings in our country's history. The release of Loki season 2 had become a little bright spot in my 2023; something to look forward to in all the madness. 

When the first season came out, I remember being overcome by how good it was. It was wacky, and sweet, and funny, and sad, and redemptive all at once. Even in its darkest moments, there seemed to be a thread of hope that ran through the series from beginning to end. Over the years it had become a comfort show, a beautiful piece of art that offered me encouragement when I needed a pick-me-up. Because if a comic book super villain with a long history of screwing his life up can change his ways, make new friends, fall in love, find meaningful work, stand up to his oppressors, and ultimately write his own destiny, then gosh darnit, so can I. 

My roommate and I invited our friends over, every Thursday night for six weeks, to watch the new episodes as they premiered. Our watch parties started off full of excitement and anticipation. I even made key lime pie for us the first couple of times, which was a big hit. But as the weeks wore on, and the episodes started to spiral deeper into tragedy, our post-watch conversations became more full of questions and complaints than anything. When the credits rolled on the finale, we sat in an almost mournful silence, watching the screen, waiting with baited breath to see if there would be a post-credits scene. There wasn’t one. You could almost feel a sense of dread fall over the room. That’s it. That’s all they’re going to give us. That’s how they’ve decided to end the story. 

I think the first words that were uttered when the Disney Plus screen finally popped up were, “I hate Marvel,” before we all began to voice how we felt.  

I can honestly say this has been one of the weirdest, strongest emotional reactions to a piece of media that I’ve ever had. It’s genuinely felt like I’ve been going through the five stages of grief over this show, but the grief isn’t just stemming from the inherent sadness of the story. I’m also grieving the show itself; what it’s become, how it was handled by the people it was entrusted to, and the knowledge that there will likely not be another season to redeem it. I feel angry, unseen and unloved by the writers who set up everything over the course of six episodes to ensure that the finale was as heartbreaking as possible. 

At the same time, however, I can’t say that I hated it. A part of me knows that the reason it’s affecting me so deeply is because it’s so well-made. Art doesn’t grip you this much unless it’s objectively good. There are legitimate critiques of the story/filmmaking that I could make and a lot of people already have. The temptation to scoff and say “Michael Waldron wouldn’t have done it this way” and turn all my excitement towards Secret Wars is very strong, but that just seems like misplacing my hope. Underneath all the sadness and the frustration, there’s also a layer of confusion. Am I supposed to be feeling this way? Is this what the writers of this show wanted me to feel all along? And if so, why? What are they trying to say through this story?  

I don’t normally mind stories with tragic endings, so long as I can understand the purpose behind them. I remember feeling similarly unsettled when I finished the first season of Arcane, wondering what the point of it all was. But after a little bit of analysis and reflection, I could see how the tragedy was fitting; how the characters choices had led to the ending and the cautionary tale it was trying to tell me. Even in the tragedy, it was still good. I’ve also learned to love the grief that comes with watching a character make a heroic sacrifice for those he loves. I think of Tony Stark in Avengers: Endgame, Janner in The Wingfeather Saga, or Stoick in How To Train Your Dragon 2. All these deaths are heartbreaking and painful to watch, but there’s a certain beauty to them too, and you can feel the goodness and love in their sacrifices.

This one is different, though. Something about this one feels wrong. Something about this one feels deeply, inherently, not good. And analysis is only making it worse. 

I’m having a really hard time seeing the beauty in the sacrifice that Loki makes at the end of season 2. This story wasn’t supposed to end in tragedy. It was supposed to be a reversal of tragedy. A second chance for a beloved character (one who has already sacrificed himself for love on multiple occasions) to finally receive some kind of reward instead of punishment.

To end the series the way the writers did feels almost like a stab in the back, a betrayal if you will, of all the hope and joy and restoration that the first season promised. I guess adopted children who are abandoned at birth really are destined to be alone forever, no matter how much love they have to give. I guess villains can’t find redemption, and even if they do, they will not escape eternal punishment for their sins. I guess quarrels between brothers (or lovers) can’t be resolved, and every relationship we cherish is doomed to fall apart eventually. I guess young women like me, who are strong and independent because we’ve had to be, are not worth pursuing, and we should be content with our middle-management jobs and casual friendships as if that is the peak of human existence. I guess we should embrace isolation and selfishness after all. I guess true love doesn’t really exist, and we should walk away from any semblance of it before it makes us bleed.

Bummer. 

The night after we watched the finale, I drove a couple of my friends home. On the drive back, I could feel the sadness of the story aching in my gut. I thought specifically about Sylvie, and how unsatisfied I felt with where the story left her. I’ve always connected with her as a character, and I hated the way she had been sidelined throughout the season. Every week, I had tuned in hoping I would see some kind of reconciliation between her and Loki. I just wanted some kind assurance that she loved him back, that they would somehow end up together in the end. One kiss, one hug, just… one conversation, for heaven’s sake. One apology from either side. One confession of love. But six episodes and it never came. Their relationship wasn’t even addressed. It was reduced to subtext, as if it wasn’t the back bone that Michael Waldron built his original pitch off of back before 2021.  

I thought about the way she shrugged and smiled when Mobius asked her what she was going to do next, and it just irked me. Why didn’t they tell us what her plans were? Why didn’t they give us some kind of clue? It seemed so obvious to me what she should do. She should make good use of her Tempad and go be with Loki. How could she just walk away, knowing everything he just sacrificed for her? Do people really think she could just… go back to her life after that, with so many things left unsaid between them? If she really does love him, how could she? How could she go through life, knowing that the truest love she’s ever experienced is lightyears away, always watching, always with her, but unable to be physically present with her in a mortal, tangible way? It sounded like such a sad, lonely fate and my heart broke for both Sylvie and Loki as I thought about it.  

But then it dawned on me: wait a second… isn’t that what it’s like to be a Christian? Isn’t that the reality I’m living every day, as Christ’s bride? The weight of that realization was so heavy I almost had to pull over on the side of the road because I couldn’t breath. My savior loves me more than anything. He gave up everything for me, just like Loki did for Sylvie. I don’t even know how many rounds he went with the enemy on that cross, just to bargain for my soul. And what do I do about it? I shrug it off with a smile. I forget about it until it’s convenient. I go back to my job, my house, my car, my record store, as if every second of my life hasn’t been paid for by the blood, sweat, and tears of a God who just wants me to be ok. As if I could ever fool myself into believing a life without Him is enough for me. 

As if I shouldn’t be fighting like hell to get back to Him. As if love so amazing, so divine, doesn’t demand my life, my soul, my all. Just so you know, I teared up again writing that last paragraph.

A lot of people have pointed out the parallels that can be made between Loki and Sylvie and Adam and Eve. The comparison really does work in a lot of ways. A perfect likeness, a counterpart created for a lonely man because “it is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). One flesh, two halves of a whole. Equals, balancing and complementing each other perfectly. A couple chosen by a higher power to rule the universe with authority. There’s something edenic about that scene where they snuggle in the grass under that blanket together: a man and a woman, wrapped up in a garden of green, completely unguarded and vulnerable with each other. The man promises the woman his protection, and the woman shyly offers him her trust and thanks in return. 

When they make it to the Citadel at the End of Time, their parting echoes deeply of the fall. The serpent (He Who Remains) sows seeds of distrust between them, knowing full-well that they are stronger together and could easily overpower him if they remain united. The two halves are torn apart and turn on one another. The woman, in her thirst for freedom, takes control of the situation, and the man fails in his duty to stop her. Free will is unleashed into the world, and with it comes consequence and chaos and danger.         

If season 1 can be read as the journey from the garden to the fall, season 2 reads more like the journey from the fall to the cross. Chaos and confusion, spiraling slowly towards death and destruction. Constant distrust between the man and the woman, between God and his bride. An inability to reconcile, to fix what’s been broken. The citadel goes from being Eden to being Gethsemane. When every other option has been tried and all hope is lost, Loki returns to the moment of the fall and pleads with his love, over and over again, to make a different choice. But she will not stop rebelling, even though it leads to her death every time. 

Unable to reason with her, Loki confronts He Who Remains to bargain for her life. But there’s no option that doesn’t end in bloodshed. Loki must either kill Sylvie, the woman he loves, and go on committing genocide in HWR’s place. Or, he must break the temporal loom and let the chaos that ensues destroy all of reality. These, according to He Who Remains, are the only two choices. So Loki makes a third choice. Instead of sacrificing others for the multiverse, he makes a total sacrifice of himself. I think you can see where I’m going with this. 

It’s not lost on me how weird it is to compare Loki, a marvel super villain based off of a pagan norse god, to Jesus. But the crucifixion/ascension parallels here aren’t exactly subtle. Loki puts on a heavy crown, carries a great burden up a hill, and “dies” on a tree of all things, to save both the woman he loves and the group of friends he’s grown close with during his time at the TVA. His last words to his loved ones before he ascends are, “I know what kind of God I need to be, for you, for all of us.” When I think about the story in these parabolic terms, I’m almost overwhelmed by how much truth is woven into this mythology.  And yet, something about it still feels deeply unsettling to me. There’s still a piece missing that makes it feel more like a Greek tragedy than a Jewish parable. 

As they are, Loki Seasons 1 and 2 show me a reflection of the fall, the cross, and in some ways, the ascension of Jesus Christ. What they don’t show me is a picture of the resurrection. And any christian will tell you that the resurrection is the most vital part of the story (1 Corinthians 15:16-20). The series shows me sin and what it costs. They show me what is lost in sacrifice, but they don’t show me what is gained. The hero meets a fate worse then death, and is forced to remain there, alone, for all eternity. There are no tearful reunions at the tomb, no assurance that death has been defeated, no eucatastrophe. No curse reversed. God and man are forever separated, and for some reason that’s supposed to be beautiful, according to Marvel. It’s not. It’s a question mark, a gaping wound at the end of the story that offers no comfort. To live in that tension, that separation, in those three days between Christ’s death and his resurrection, is literally the most painful, most hopeless place for the human heart to dwell. But, maybe it’s a tension that we should sit in more often, so that we can appreciate the weight of what Christ did for us. 

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I don’t really hate season 2 of Loki. It’s a beautifully crafted piece of art, well-written (sort of) and well-acted, with gorgeous production design and a deep, meaningful story at its core. What I hate, with every fiber of my being, is the thought that that is where the story ends. That it’s supposed to end there. That this ending is good. As a Christian, I almost can’t accept it. Everything in me screams that there has to be more resolution beyond the credits of the finale. 

That, I think, is where all the pain swirling in my heart around this story is really coming from. And whether they know it or not, I think that’s where a lot of the Loki fandom’s pain is coming from right now. The gospel is so written into our DNA that it pours itself out into every mythology we try to create. We are so desperate for the reassurance that the resurrection is true, that when we get even the slightest hint that it might not be, it triggers our deepest, darkest anxieties. Nothing scares me more than the thought of being alone, separated from God, for all eternity. Not even death is scarier, or more tragic, than that. It is, by definition, hell. 

So yeah. Curse you, Marvel. Curse you for telling me a story that hurts like hell, and expecting me to just be ok with it. For giving me an ending that could never, in any reality, be satisfying or conclusive, and then trying to gaslight me into believing that it is. For ensuring that I will probably end up buying a ticket for both Secret Wars and Kang Dynasty (even though I’m really tired of superhero movies) just so that I can see if I’m right, that love really does win in the end. I don’t really have any kind of expectation that the next two Avengers movies are going to give me the closure I’m looking for. But I think I know where I can find it.  

As grieved as I am by the way Marvel handled this story, I’m also kind of amazed by the way its incompleteness is revealing to me the total, satisfying completeness of the gospel. Marvel can’t promise me that, at the end of time, the God of Stories will be reunited with his warring bride and live happily ever after in the presence of his inner circle. But the gospel does. And the hope that I find there is immeasurable.

[themosleyreview]

The Mosley Review: The Iron Claw

A film based on a true story can be one of two sides of a coin. On one side, you can focus on the rise and success followed by the glitz and glamour and eventually the hard realities and eventual fall. One the other hand, you can focus on the personal life of the subject and lightly focus on the rise to fame, but push it aside to get more in depth with the subject's family. Well this film sits right on the spine of the coin. Yes it does primarily focuses on the real story of the Von Erich wrestling family, but also glosses over all of their achievements, accolades and stardom rather quickly. You almost don't really get a chance to see why they were considered to be one of the greatest families in the history of the sport. What you do get is the heartbreaking story of a family being led by someone that never left the past and pretty much forced their dream on their sons. What was fascinating is the depiction of the wrestling world almost being a co-antagonist to the life story of the Von Erich’s. The immersion into the psychologocial ramifications of the sport is explored in a sad way that we've seen in many other true stories and it leaves you in a more melancholy state throughout the film.

Zac Efron delivers a stirring and hard hitting performance as Kevin Von Erich. The amount of weight he bares of the family name in the world of wrestling was huge and you see first hand of how he tries to please his father's ambitions. You see the amount of pain he endures from the doubts that are placed upon him. His wrestling matches were the most intense and sometimes brutal and Zac shows great dramatic and athletic prowess. Harris Dickinson was great as his younger brother David Von Erich and I loved that he was the most charismatic one of the family. Harris had the most chemistry with Zac and their conversation in the bathroom scene one was one of their best moments together and his mic skills were excellent. Jeremy Allen White was strong as Kerry Von Erich and loved his dedication. He accurately portrays that desperation to hang on to whatever athleticism he has left after a possible debilitating injury. The amount of sorrow in his eyes was heartbreaking as his story progressed. Stanley Simons was so heartfelt and innocent as Mike Von Erich. He nailed that boyish charm and joy of playing music instead of following the family business. He was truly the most lovable and hardest to watch as he should've never been in the ring. Lily James is always great and she was great as Kevin's love interest Pam Adkisson. The moment Pam and Lilly meet, you could see the sparks between them fly as her flirtation turned into pure love even with Kevin's awkwardness. Maura Tierney was absolutely wonderful as their mother Doris Von Erich. You see the love she has for her family in a fantastic dinner scene. She bears the heaviest amount of emotional weight as the family curse strikes and it was very hard to watch. The stairs scene really hit me. Holt McCallany was great and truly toxic as their father Fritz Von Erich. He was an excellent businessman and the amount of motivation he would give to his sons was great, but horrible at the same time. He never really let go of his dream and became more of a coach and less of a father. Holt nailed that horrific nature of a person past their prime and delivered a performance that is in the lexicon of great villains. Aaron Dean Eisenberg was outstanding as Ric Flair and he nailed his eccentric, larger than life, and villainous persona.

The score by Richard Reed Parry was good when present and added to the heartfelt moments and sadness to the more somber scenes. The wrestling sequences were shot very well and I liked the sort of Creed approach where you are in the ring with the characters. It was immersive and sometimes jarring since the main focus wasn't really about the showmanship. That's where I felt this film lacked. It was a great study on the family, but I think this held back by its runtime. I really wanted to connect a little more with each brother and truly delve into the reason why they were considered one of the greatest wrestling families in the industry. The performances were outstanding across the board and although this may not be the greatest wrestling film ever made, but it sure is up there. Perhaps this would’ve been a better miniseries than a film. Let me know what you thought of the film or my review of the film. Thanks for reading!

[thequeenofmyownscreen]

I was rewatching CR3E49 and Imogen’s dream of her mother, and the moment where it is revealed Imogen’s mom is believing what Ludinus says. It hit me hard once again, and prompted this mess of thoughts that I had to write :

Gods, Liliana showing Imogen these visions of… ? what ? I guess, yeah, what Ludinus has told her will happen once they release Predathos, and what she imagines it will be like... The silence of history, the destruction of fate. And the first reaction in Imogen, once they wake up, is to say “What if it’s not that bad ? What if what we'ree doing is just fighting change ?”. A few weeks ago, Imogen already considered – in passing, in a matter of seconds – that maybe they shouldn’t stop Ludinus ; but I'll admit, I dismissed it quickly because, urgh, Ludinus is creepy so how could anyone think he’s right ??? But now, I command and applaud Laura on this choice. Because it’s horrible but true, why every kind of indoctrination works especially well in families : the simple truth : they’re your parents, and you believe them. The small step of a well-working system of indoctrination. It's insidious. And even though Imogen’s a grown-ass woman, she was clearly not expecting her mom to be a true believer. That caught her off guard. The second she started to say basically “What if we are the ones who are wrong ??”, THAT second was a knee-jerk reaction to a system of indoctrination that works on the back of this kind of relationship, when there is inherent trust between a parent and a child (no matter what the age), a system that corrupts that trust deeply. And THAT is why Orym’s immediate reaction of shutting that down immediately, with emotional ties, in a small but so so powerful phrase (“Well, Imogen, I wish my family didn’t have to die for her brighter tomorrow”) is so, so important, for Imogen to pull out of the small second where she was tempted to align with her mother*.

* did it work ? Is Imogen still believing that what the Bells Hells are doing is right ? or could she be swayed once more if she’s subjected to more imagery and visions of a “brighter tomorrow” ? I’m not against exploring this AT ALL, it could be so interesting. Or did it work ? Is Imogen further convinced and reassured, especially when we add to that her talk with Laudna ? It could also be interesting to explore, to see that what is truly grounding her is her friends, especially Orym and Laudna. Or is she still not sure, and did the talk with Laudna, where Laudna said “I will follow you no matter what” did further rattle her trust in what is right ? I don’t know, and I’m excited to see. After all, exploring the possibilities is just what Fearne and Orym were preparing for…

I will say, the hardest part in hearing that Imogen’s mom is a Ruby Vanguard fanatic is imagining what could happen… Because once again... unfortunately we’re all seeing this kind of indoctrination in today’s shitty world, in religious and culty groups and so-called political groups, or even anti-s’ of so many kinds and whatnot, and so I can imagine how this may work... If Liliana truly believes what Ludinus says, and Imogen truly believes what the Bells Hells are doing is right, she and Imogen will have a moment of confrontation. And if the Ruby Vanguard wins, Liliana may lose Imogen, and the hardest part is… I’m not even sure that even then, she will understand that she was wrong. Because that’s how insidious indoctrination can be. Even when you’re confronted with a fact that 100% proves you wrong, you will always find a way to justify that you were right.

[ciaran]

Yoo ask writing meme? Hope you don't mind taking more, 13... 17? 18 if you're okay with that, 33, 35, 36? And 38, sorry if that's a lot. Btw seeing you update your layouts is fun, where do you find all the ethereal looking images you use for your icons? I too am a sun hater.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

i find writing kink really easy, but also really hard. it's always in my head, but there's so much of it that pulling it into a manageable size is really tough. i think most of the things i love writing are at least a little hard, but the stuff that should count as "hardest" is also the most satisfying. i love writing characters having breakdowns. i find it easy to write dialogue and atmosphere and emotion; i find it difficult to write action. i feel like i'm walking around the answer without hitting it.

the rest are under the cut for length!

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

i don't know if i'm good at doing this but let me try. i generally keep all the details in my head so i feel excited about putting them down? but this WIP is set in a world where the land and king are intrinsically connected, and nick was adopted because he was recognized. the mechanism of recognition is irrelevant. there's a scene where vash says he was drowned by a rusalka; what happened was that the rusalka was hurt by a human man, and in retaliation kidnapped and drowned a couple of children. vash jumped in to save the kids, and the river froze over, so he was in there for a time that would have killed a human but he's not human, so... he managed to talk the rusalka down, then climbed out and dispersed a crowd of villagers with pitchforks and torches, made them all really mad at him, and ended up freezing to death between the water and the snow. there's another scene where vash says his cloak is made of phoenix feathers. his brother deals primarily with the supernatural creatures of the land, and does not truck with humans. vash himself brought this phoenix to knives, because she was dying and he was hoping his brother could save her, but his brother couldn't do anything by then. she died in knives's arms after vash left. when he came back, knives had made her feathers into a cloak for his brother. though phoenixes never fully die, they do fade out - their heat does not dissipate, but the consciousness leaves. since vash is a dragon with (story spoilers) no fire, he needs the warmth when he travels... and stuff like the thing with the rusalka happens anyway.

33. Do you practice any other art besides writing? Does that art ever tie into your writing, or is it entirely separate?

i paint and draw, but it's all very abstract and way less emotionally charged for me than writing. i also want to get back into singing. i don't think it ties into my writing, unless i want to talk about the process of Creation, one of my pet themes :)

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

all of them. show me a rule and i'll show you a way to break it. but mostly i think i hate the idea that every scene needs to be relevant in an immediate way. pacing, you guys. let the emotions breathe!!!

36. They say to Write What You Know. Setting aside for a moment the fact that this is terrible advice...what do you Know?

i know almost nothing... well, i know gender, and trauma, and mental illness. i know loneliness. everything else - well, who can say? i'm curious what people think i know, after reading my stuff.

as for the icons - pinterest >_< my guilty pleasure i never grew out of. i am sort of obsessed w maintaining a very specific aesthetic across my accounts. sun haters UNITE

[riotmusicinfo]

Suzuna in RIOT Land

Suzuna Nagihara had passed RIOT MUSIC’s ���Virtual Artist Audition Vol. 1” and had accepted the offer to join with the Virtual Music Agency. Neither how she found out about their audition nor whether or not she struggled with feelings of nervousness or sailed through the judge’s critical eyes with flying colors is important to this story. The audition itself a stepping stone for what Suzuna Nagihara truly wanted: To support people everywhere and add color to their lives using her singing. That voice of hers, light as a feather sailing through precise pitches yet heavy as a truck in how it could gush the tears out of the hardest grown men.

Perhaps fitting that she would be one of the first RIOT MUSIC artists to perform in North America, Suzuna Nagihara young life served her a Thanksgiving Dinner’s worth of unique experience, including a study-abroad stint that left her pretty comfortable speaking and singing in English when given the chance. More important than that though, those experiences have imparted onto her a unique and keen sense to feel out the emotions of listeners and create songs with a kind of healing energy sewn, interwoven, into their sonic fabric. It’s a gift she’s determined to win over the world with, taking the edge off everyone she possibly can along the way.

Despite her empathic touch and the signature river of beautiful sky blue hair gushing out of her head, and putting aside her penchant for creating emotionally charged slow burn ballads, Suzuna’s otherwise a happy, normal girl. Look at her twitter and you’ll often see her posting pictures of sweets and… burgers. A lot Burgers! For her, she excises all the negativity that comes with left and turns into fuel for her music, in hopes her songs will absorb and ease the sadness of others. Come to think of it, that’s just like what a good Hamburger does!

Though, we don’t know if she’d like being compared to hamburgers…

A Brief History of Suzuna's Greatest Moments (So Far!!!)

Suzuna Nagihara Debuts With RIOT MUSIC

Coming through with a moody, accurate, and hypnotic cover of the anisong classic “Uninstall,” Suzuna arrived on the scene making it clear her voice offered a nuanced and haunting character unlike any other audiences have heard before. Even here at the beginning, her delicate pitch control dazzled any to come across it.

1st Live “Re:Volt”

The six months following Suzuna’s debut with the RIOT MUSIC unrolled rather well the artists, fans quickly taking to her cool yet passionate voice. She joined the then current line up of the Virtual Music Agency to put on a spectacular live show, a first for everyone involved still fondly remembered till this day

Suzuna Unveils Haunting First Original “Kumosuki no Uta”

After her stage debut, the time for Suzuna Nagihara to release her first original song soon cropped out. “Kumosuki no Uta” strikes the ears as a sparse but spirited piano ballad that perfectly captures the pain, hopes, and perseverance Suzuna Nagihara imbues into her singing.

Suzuna Hits 100,000 Fans

Less than a year after her debut, and the first of the crop of artists to come out of the Virtual Artist Auditions to do so, Suzuna Nagihara cultured a dedicated following that grew to 100,00 strong by August of 2021. She takes all of their emotions into account with her every move!

Suzuna Holds First Solo Live “Okeanos”

With over a full year under her belt, Suzuna Nagihara was ready to put on a show that wouldn’t only star her but submerge the audience into the ocean of her soul. Her first solo effort, Suzuna struck the hearts of her audience wielding waves of emotional catharsis generated by her heart unleashed from the throat.

Suzuna Nagihara Releases “Okeanos Single”

Something about the name “Okeanos,” a mythical Greek titan of the ocean, must resonate with Suzuna Nagihara. She used the word again for an original tune that swallows your heart whole and cradles it, letting you know you’re not alone in the deep waters of life.

RIOT MUSIC “Re:Volt 2022”

2022 would see the then active RIOT MUSIC roster once again combine their vocal stylings for RIOT MUSIC’s biggest live event to date, live from Tokyo! Suzuna Nagihara joined her RIOT MUSIC sisters to a packed livehouse and over 30,000 people watching online simultaneously!

Meteopolis From RIOT MUSIC Forms

Suzuna Nagihara and Miona Sumeragi linked to form the Meteopolis sub-label within the greater RIOT MUSIC line-up. With Suzuna’s delicate, emotionally resonating singing making a great accompaniment to Miona’s up front bold boosted voice, the two together soar to new, futuristic heights!

Meteopolis Performs at L.A. Comic Con

Suzuna and Miona embarked on RIOT MUSIC’s maiden voyage to North America, a new milestone for all involved, performing a number of their favorite covers in Los Angeles across a three day run!

Suzuna Nagihara’s 2022 Birthday Live <PANDORA>

Suzuna Nagihara is set to finish this year, 2022 at the time of writing, with a unique solo live show experience that further pushes the boundaries of her artistry and the capabilities of RIOT MUSIC; The Virtual Music Agency’s first flirtation with acoustic concerts, Suzuna and her team have whipped up a number of arrangements of her favorites to be heard this one night only!

Two full years and Suzuna’s emotional balladry, with their borderline precognitive nature in knowing what has her fans feeling low and what they need to hear to feel supported and taken care of, has rightfully earned the artist her share of devoted listeners. Yet, even as recently as the last few months, Suzuna broke new ground within RIOT MUSIC playing center-stage for their first American performances and first grand acoustic showcase! Where the artist takes the Virtual Music Agency next, only her bleeding heart knows.

[influencermagazineuk]

Ronaldo's Redemption at His Final Euros

At the brink of despair, Cristiano Ronaldo's last Euros took an emotional turn. As Jan Oblak deflected Ronaldo's extra-time penalty onto the post, the Portuguese legend's hopes seemed dashed. The 39-year-old, announcing this would be his final European Championship, was overcome with tears, consoled by his teammates as Slovenia threatened a historic upset. Student News Agency, CC BY 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0, via Wikimedia Commons Despite the heartache, Ronaldo's resilience shone through. Just 15 minutes after his penalty miss, he confidently scored the first penalty in the shootout. Portugal's goalkeeper, Diogo Costa, then made history with three saves, ensuring Portugal's progression to the quarter-finals against France. Ronaldo's tears of despair turned to those of joy and relief. "Even the strongest have tough days. I hit rock bottom when the team needed me most," Ronaldo said, visibly emotional. "Football is about moments—unexplainable ones. Sadness can turn to joy. We fought until the end and deserved this win." Throughout the match, Ronaldo faced immense pressure and frustration, missing several chances and enduring jeers from Slovenian fans. Despite his efforts, he remains goalless in Euro 2024, having missed three of his nine major tournament penalties. "Cristiano is the hardest worker," praised Costa, the night's hero. "His dedication is unmatched. We’re like family, and helping the team is what matters most." Ronaldo's visible frustration peaked as he pleaded for luck and encouragement from fans. When his initial penalty was saved, Portugal's supporters rallied, chanting "Viva Ronaldo." Yet, after scoring in the shootout, Ronaldo's celebration was subdued—a nod to the fans and an apology. "He missed a crucial penalty but showed incredible mental strength by scoring in the shootout," remarked Alan Shearer. "Great players have great resilience." Former Arsenal defender Martin Keown highlighted Ronaldo's professionalism and the pivotal role of Costa. "Tonight wasn't just about Ronaldo. It was about the team's collective effort, led by Costa." Despite this being his final Euros, Ronaldo's commitment to Portugal remains unwavering. He has already set records in appearances and goals at the European Championships. Former Scotland striker Pat Nevin noted, "Ronaldo is a true team player for Portugal. The results matter more to him than individual accolades." Portugal's coach, Roberto Martinez, praised Ronaldo's dedication. "Cristiano, playing in his sixth Euros with the passion of a young man, sets a high standard. After missing the penalty, he stepped up first in the shootout, leading by example. We are immensely proud of our captain." In a dramatic twist of fate, Ronaldo's final Euros continue, marked by his relentless spirit and the unwavering support of his team and fans. Read the full article

[femcel-interruped]

Days 5&6

I didn't do yesterday because I was feeling really sad and confused. I've been struggling with my hormones for a long time and it is something I am struggling with now. Additionally, I had a lot of thinking to do about my friendship with my ex. To preface this, I want to add a little context to our history:

We met as soon as I moved to Chicago in the Fall of 2022 and immediately fell in love. We were in an intense relationship for 1.5 years. Over time, we got an apartment, spent holidays together, and adopted two kittens. Also during that time, we became poisonous to each other. I gave him a deep fear of trust and he gave me self hatred and lack of identity. I moved out and back in with my parents in my hometown and grieved safely there in no contact with him.

After a few months, I was seeing someone else for about two months. One night my boyfriend at the time and I were grocery shopping to cook a nice dinner. As I was walking towards the exit, I saw the dreaded notification: an email from him. I stopped in my tracks and showed my boyfriend. He understood, but it made him really nervous. He knew the situation with my ex was fragile and dramatic. Shortly after this, we broke up and I began on and off talking to my ex. It wasn't until a month into talking again that he revealed that he's in a new relationship. A pretty serious one. I felt blindsided, jealous, angry, disgusted by the fact that we had been talking about very intimate and emotional things meanwhile I had no idea there was someone new. If I had known, I would have acted differently. This goes to show that waiting to tell someone something does not soften the blow, it intensifies the impact.

We got into fights, then missed talking to each other and ran back to each other over and over again. It always ended with me blocking him and then missing him and unblocking him to call to say that I need him in that moment. Over the past few weeks, we have been really good. That is only because I chose to diminish the existence of his girlfriend in my mind. I chose to ignore it. Yesterday, reality hit again and I got very depressed.

Now we are here in the present moment. I expressed my sadness and grief over these things to him. He apologized, but nothing will take away the disgust I feel within myself. His girlfriend just left for Poland for the entire summer, I don't know what that means for me. But this all begs the question:

Can we truly be just friends with an ex that changed our lives?

What I have learned over the past few days is that no, not while you are still healing. This is a hard pill to swallow because you crave this person's attention and conversation, how can you go without it? I have discovered that this feeling controls me. I do not feel like my life is in my own hands when I am in this situation, let alone my mental health. I am not me when I am grieving. Since our breakup I liked to tell myself that "grief is love in a heavy coat." While this may be true, it can set us back. If looking at it the wrong way, it can convince you that the love under the grief is worth fighting for. This is untrue and completely destructive thinking. This tiny quote from god knows who is to encourage us to make friends with the parts of life that we are grieving. We can appreciate its existence while acknowledging that it is over and we are in a state of grief.

Over. That is probably the hardest part of this for me. I have a hard time letting big parts of my life go, he was one of them. I commonly romanticize the dramatics of it; the fireworks, the high highs and the low lows. It was not a safe or healthy environment and the person for you would not make you question your lovability. The right person for you would not listen to you cry for hours and not move a muscle. The right person for you will make you feel held, feel ready to face the world because you'll know that you have them. Undoubtably.

[thereisnoblogniche]

more personal diary thoughts on trauma and TLOU

sort of.

I really do have fucking issues. I know this. I'm in therapy. but it's going to take years to start digging through this.

god this is so embarrassing.

it makes me angry to see behind the scenes shit of pedro and bella. not because they aren't hilarious and adorable. but because it reminds me that it's not real. well, that's one of the reasons. I have had to unpack this all morning after seeing cute montages of them together. I'm still figuring it out.

they're obviously not actually related, in the show or in real life. but i feel sad and angry that they're not. they're supposed to be my de facto father/daughter relationship. this is me living vicariously through them and their story. please, why are you being real right now? go back to being joel and ellie. stop laughing together and hugging all normally and naturally, like coworkers who have bonded.

I'm literally about to cry hahaha i'm so fucking stupid. i hate this.

I guess when I said in my other entry that it's bringing up uncomfortable stuff, first of all, it's confusing that I find pedro/joel to be so attractive. because the real crux of this is that I feel abandoned and miss being a little girl and wish I had had a better childhood. I don't want to be attracted to someone who is reminding me of that. i'm not expressing this longing of a father/daughter relationship through dating "daddys" or wanting someone like that romantically. it's just me living vicariously in a fictional world and dreaming of being in that situation, where I am saved and chosen over and over again, and someone is comforting me. and yes, i guess experiencing a sort of dad/daughter journey like joel and ellie.

i mean from a psychology perspective, maybe it makes perfect sense that I want that and feel it's unresolved in my childhood/adolescence. That the ache in my heart when I see those moments on screen is an all-too familiar ache. Not too many fictional moments have caused that. I struggle to think of a single one besides this and it hit the fucking hardest.

I had a similar thing with Tony Stark. Yes, I found him "attractive" but I couldn't think of him sexually. I tried. All I saw him as was a hero to save the world. I wanted him to mentor me. I wanted him to Peter Parker me. I guess I wanted the bond and the relationship there. But it seemed to get confused with romantic/sexual feelings because god forbid a person have intense feelings that aren't either of those things.

i think it's just a way for me to resolve some of my childhood trauma. there's other things i'm not saying because even though i don't intend for anyone to read this, it's online, and there's a chance someone might read it. there's other factors to my history and trauma that might be complicating my feelings and making this harder.

it's all scary and difficult and I hate that a good show with good actors who are just being silly and having fun could turn me into such a self-hating, angry, sad little monster. I just want to be loved. i just want to feel validated. I want that to be me I guess. I get jealous when I see happy families or relationships I wish I had.

I admit I've felt like that seeing some family vlogs/YouTube shorts. I've felt that jealousy toward friends who have stable, loving homes. Who grew up normal and well-adjusted, a concept so foreign I almost got culture shock.

God. I want to be self-compassionate and tell myself it's understandable i'd feel this way. it's understandable that emotions, situations anywhere and everywhere can trigger this feeling of abandonment, of longing, of past pain that hasn't healed. it's not silly.

but my god i can't help but just feel so incredibly silly and dumb. i just want to enjoy this show and simp for pedro like a normal person. instead i have to complicate it with my trauma and make watching BTS content an exercise in self-regulation.

[webbedphantom]

Kirijo Group R&D - Head Office.

He was... so tired.

He had so much going for him, so many opportunities he'd never have had before, so many people he'd saved, and a wonderful fiancée that had given purpose when he needed it most. Yet all he could think about were the failures.

Not technical failures, his official projects were all doing fine. The team here at Project Kairos were some of the smartest minds in the world. No his failures were more... personal.

He had a unique... insight into certain events, certain... tragedies that had yet to occur. He'd always had. And he did everything in his power to stop them. Yet no matter what he did, he'd yet to succeed in preventing a single one. Like some fundamental law of the universe was keeping it from him.

And this last one hit the hardest. A police officer by the name of Jun Niijima had died last week. A hit and run set up by the mob he'd been investigating.

He'd actually gotten to know him a bit before he died, one of the only friends he'd ever had outside of work. He'd hoped that would change things... if anything it made it worse.

And now here he was, sitting at his desk, mourning the loss of his friend, reduced to yet another in a long line of failures, as he stared at the findings in the papers in his hand.

It was something he'd been looking into for a while, a potential new method of not just time travel, but rewriting history. Honestly, he wasn't sure such a thing was even possible, and if it was, he wasn't sure he should act on it. Because the last thing he'd ever want to do is play God.

Yet now he had the answer in his hand. Something that proved his theory held some weight. There was no way to know for sure, obviously, not without going through with it, but still... the ability to change the past, to undo all his mistakes, to finally be free from the guilt he'd been carrying for these past 5 years.

He sat there for about 20 minutes before his phone rang. Or rather vibrated, he wasn't one to leave that on at work. But the pattern of it, a custom one mimicking the soft rhythm of a heartbeat, was one that almost always got his attention.

His future wife was calling.

"I don't think anyone could ever forget you." He replied, a small smile forming on his face. "You tend to leave quite the lasting impression."

It was amazing how much just hearing her voice on the other end soothed him, even if he wasn't the best at showing it anymore. The gathering storm of conflicting emotions caused by the paper in his hand died down with just a single word.

... for the moment, at least.

"Yeah, just got some... interesting results back on our latest experiment. It's mostly theoretical but... with a large enough power source, it could change... everything..."

The only issue was it'd take the power of a supernova to get it working, and his only means of getting power like that was... not ethical to say the least.

His smile got brighter as she mentioned their time in Los Angeles. It almost seemed like a lifetime ago now, when he still had hope he could fix things, when he was so much more passionate about this life they had built together.

When he'd snuck off in the middle of the night to buy her a ring.

Though those memories had a bittersweet taste to them now, now that he'd seen how his efforts had failed... all of his efforts.

"You'll burn yourself out if you work too hard-"

His eyes widened slightly at her words, another reminder of better days, but days he still looked back on fondly. Days when he knew who he was, or at least thought he did, and days where he'd actually managed to accomplish something.

Thawing the Ice Queen's heart.

"... that sounds lovely, Princess." He replied finally, allowing the research in his hand to land softly on his desk. "Just let me pass these notes to Fujiwara, then I'll be on my way."

He quickly gathered his things, putting all of his papers into a drawer in his desk, and gathering the paperwork for one of the more modest projects their newest recruit was working on. Those prosthetics of his could really make an impact.

All the while he kept his phone to his ear, not quite ready to let it go yet... He really missed her.

"So, what's on the menu tonight? I think that sushi place you like is still open at this hour."

@webbedphantom || Plotted Starter (Drabble Cont'd)

She needed to distract herself. Despite having asked him to investigate her ex, Mitsuru wasn't very keen about using Aaron as her personal spy. She'd spent most of her youth as a child soldier, living night after night fighting a fight she didn't fully understand until it was too late. Guilt wracked her brain. Was this how her father must have felt asking her to fight for him?

Aaron and Aigis wouldn't be back to report their finding until morning. Until then she'd work through the paperwork piled high on her desk. Even if it took her all night.

She worked silently, folding papers and stuffing envelopes diligently. It wasn't work a CEO was supposed to do - that was meant for her assistants and secretary - but the more she went about it the more she felt herself reminiscing...

November 26, 2014 - Kirijo Estate

The night was still young, her heart fluttering as she waited for him to pick up the phone. He was probably still in his lab, puttering away at his computer long after his assistants and fellow researchers had left. Mitsuru waited with baited breath and when she finally heard the phone click she sighed in relief.

"I thought you might have forgotten about me," she teased into the receiver. "Are you still at the lab?"

As she spoke with him on the phone she idly thumbed over the pile of wedding invitations on her dining room table. They needed to be sent out soon - the wedding was in June and with such a vast amount of guests she needed RSVPs as soon as possible.

"We haven't had a night to ourselves in a while. Why don't you come over and we can share that bottle of Stag's Leap Artemis Cab Sauv we bought on our trip to Los Angeles last year? We can get take out too. I've got a pile of invitations that need sorting out too..."

There was a small pause, a little sigh leaving her. "You'll burn yourself out if you work too hard, you taught me that."

[liveandbreathemusicals]

I watched Tick Tick Boom last night and now that I can finally process my emotions and put feelings into words I’m gonna gush about it, because I had such high expectations for this movie and it freaking soared over all of them!

First off; the adaptation to the film medium and the plot changes

This movie was impossibly good at exploring the theatricalness of the show while also retaining a very real and direct and grounded message.

The framing device of the Tick Tick Boom workshop where Jonathan would occasionally offer a bit of narration or they would cut to with certain songs was beautifully done. The way it came full circle in the end was so profound I can’t even begin to get into it. I was very curious how they would work in songs like Therapy or Johnny Can’t Decide into the limitations of film but they did it so spectacularly it made the songs so much stronger. The juxtaposition between Jon and Susan’s fight and the overly peppy puppet tone of Therapy created such an unsettling and impactful sequence. I was truly blown away

The creative team of the movie clearly knew what the crucial core message, themes, and plot points of the show were and kept those in while adding slight changes to adapt this very simplistic stage show into an extravagant movie atmosphere. While I am sad they cut green green dress it’s absence didn’t detract from the film. And as much as I love the songs Sugar and See her Smile, I think it was the right choice to cut them.

I also loved the shortening of Real Life. It shortened the time between the moment where Jon learns that Michael is HIV positive and him singing Why, which allows the news to still be raw and fresh and feed into Why so well. The little bit of Real Life we got was just enough in that sense, an echo. Building the hopelessness felt by both the Jon and the audience as he’s frantically running to get away from it all.

Speaking of Why, I was expecting that song to be the one that hit me the hardest and I was right. The somber tone it maintained throughout really fit the moment, it allowed the raw emotion and pain fully show through.

Moments that made me absolutely lose it:

Back when the teaser trailer came out I knew I was gonna be a constant mess throughout the movie and I was proven right. The film is so well paced and every moment lands, there is no lull in the story. But that also means there is no moment for me to have a second to process anything and get a break from the out of control emotional roller coaster I was thrown on.

Certain moments that just broke me were 1.) Literally the first two minutes. I loved the candid video camera style shots in the beginning, it reminded me of the actual clips of Jonathan Larson and started the movie off with me already grabbing the tissues.

The original Rent cast members (Adam, Daphne, and Wilson) appearing as extras in Sunday. I don’t know why but that little detail got to me. Seeing them served as a reminder of the true story behind this all.

Overall Thoughts:

I had been (impatiently) waiting for this film since before the teaser trailer came out in June, over half a year. I went into it expecting it to be good yes, but felt like my high standards wouldn’t be met. Partly because of the recent trend of bad movie musicals lately. But this film exceeded every possible expectation.

It was able to blend the over the top theatricalness of the show with songs like 30/90, No More, and Sunday, while seamlessly transitioning into the darker more serious moments of the story. Throughout the entire watching experience I felt completely submersed, and like I was watching a piece of history unfold from the outside.

I hope this film gets big, not only because this show finally deserves the recognition, but because it proved that movie musicals can be truly art and astounding if the work is put in. The directing was out of this world and the casting was magnificent, It was a movie that was truly made for theatre people. And I cannot imagine a better way to honor Jonathan Larson and his legacy.

[universallongings]

top 5 scenes in The Americans

I would like you to know that I have been thinking about this since 11 p.m. yesterday and have edited and changed this list in my head about 50 times, so here we go! 

1. The tooth extraction: I’ve written probably more words about this one scene than any other in TV history, but IT DESERVES IT. With absolutely no words, the entirety of Philip and Elizabeth’s relationship is cemented for us (and for them): the trust, the intimacy, the way he knows that this is going to hurt her and does everything he can to make it less painful (the towels behind her head!), the way she holds on to him as an anchor when she knows it’s going to get harder...It’s brilliant and beautiful and the most powerful moment of intimacy I have ever seen on TV because it’s not a sex scene. And that’s what this show is all about; the fact that some things (like having your fake husband who you love for real pull a tooth out of your mouth with just some pliers and whiskey) are way more intimate than sex and it’s who you share those things with that matters most at the end of the day. 

2. Philip’s “I love you” to Elizabeth: Philip telling Elizabeth he loves her before spending his last night with Martha has SO MANY LAYERS. My favorite part of it all comes before his actual utterance of those three little words, when Elizabeth is kind of fishing for reassurance (or looking to punish herself) by asking him if he would have chosen Martha in another life. It’s the most vulnerable and human we’ve really ever seen her look, and it’s a reminder that this a woman who genuinely believes that she is hard to love. And then the absolutely certainty and slight annoyance when Philip tells her he loves her is perfect because he just...cannot understand how she would ever doubt it. His love for her is so natural and easy and RIGHT for him that the idea of her not seeing it or believing it makes no sense to him. And then there’s this moment right after when she kind of eyes him skeptically and he nods really slightly and they’re having this whole second conversation with just their eyes where he’s making sure she KNOWS and it’s SO MUCH. 

3. “With or Without You”: Nothing I watch on television will ever make me completely crumble like Elizabeth’s hands hitting the window just as Bono starts to wail and we see Paige on that platform. It’s brilliant. Every beat of it is perfectly choreographed (which makes me believe in fate because they cut this with A DIFFERENT SONG!!!) and I will yell loudly forever about what this moment means for Paige coming into her own as a woman and asserting her independence and choosing her own life, no matter how hard it will be. And then I will also yell loudly forever about Philip walking to Elizabeth and both of them not even being able to really look at each other but just not wanting to be alone in one of the hardest moments of their lives. The way “And you give yourself way” builds as Philip walks to her is such a perfect metaphor for what he’s doing in that moment—giving himself away because he knows she needs him, which is all he’s ever done. And it’s perfect and now I’m going to go see some tissues about my feelings.

4. The entire last act of “The Colonel”: Everything from Philip figuring out Elizabeth was shot to Paige snooping in the laundry room is nothing short of perfection. The tension! The heightened emotions! The use of Russian! Philip saying he’s not leaving Elizabeth -- even for his kids (we love foreshadowing)! It’s all heartbreaking and smart and character-driven in the ways the best TV is, and that was the episode that took me from loving the show to believing it was the best thing I had ever watched. 

5. Philip killing Elizabeth’s rapist in the pilot: “How did he hurt you?” With that one line, I was hooked. Because with that one line and all that comes after, we know exactly who Philip is, and we find out at the same time as Elizabeth. He’s someone who ALWAYS puts her first. She’s it. She’s the most important thing in his life. He may not know what else he believes in anymore, but the one thing he is certain of is that he loves her and will do anything for her—including murdering someone with his bare hands and giving up his dream of defecting. It’s such a perfect way to establish this character, and the fact that he never changes -- that this is always who he is -- is a sign of brilliant writing and crystal clear motivation for characters that very few TV shows possess. 

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se3, ep11 (part 1)

Breaking toxic bonds & accepting healthy ones isn’t a miracle. A bond that started with love could end up chained & toxic, another that started wrong could’ve become the joy of a life time. You can do it. Break the cycle of abuse & stand up for yourself, it is easy yet so difficult, you aren’t alone, tho, loved ones stand nearby cheering. Be kind on yourself, otherwise you’ll throw your life away. Life isn’t just happiness & joy, it’s also sadness & loneliness. Break free from the shackles that held you down. Embrace life & Live.

-Tohru’s “ I’m okay” mask is finally shattered! (the Importance of kyo’s rejection for her development):

This is the last part of tohru’s character development! The last few eps were abt her role in Akito’s redemption & their similarities. she staood up for herself & choose a path away from her mom while keeping her mom’s memory in a healthy manner. No more planning my life according to mom’s wishes, no more talking to mom ‘s picture 24/7. Now, I’ll plan my life & move forward even if it is with the guy mom said she cant forgive. even If it is without him, I’ll move forward. I love him so much, yet I won’t force our bond & let go. So easy yet so difficult!. tohru doesnt know anything abt kyo after her fall. All she remembers is his heart-broken face as he wept beside her. Those tears on his face, she caused them. He cried cuz it is too painful to see her hurt. She was a burden to him! tohru restored to her old coping mechanism of pretending “ i’m Okay” & smiling. She did so numerous times before. Always worked. No one noticed. Except him. Se02, ep7. he urged her to show her true fears. Now, she’s faced with a pain so big she can’t pretend no more. the pain of loosing him. She cried in front of yuki! The smile & chatting abt chores couldn’t conceal the running tears! Yuki’s first time seeing her like that. Se01, ep14, yuki wondered how could tohru smile after her mom’s death. She can’t pretend no more! She’ll have to wear her feelings on her sleeve! cuz it IS ok to do so! She tells kyo to give her a moment to compose herself. She couldn’t lie & pretend like she did with yuki. Here she either run away or just try to compose myself! I LOVE THAT! This way, whenever kyo/tohru fight or have any misunderstanding in the future as a couple, you’ll know tohru won’t just bear it & pretend, “ i;m okay” No! she’ll talk to kyo & express herself! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It gives her so much strength as a human & I’m happy all the obstacles & set backs in kyo/tohru’s romantic journey has led them to be better ppl little by little to build healthier & more realistic love! 

-The mechanics of writing a compelling slow-burn romance:

1. Igniting the romantic feelings slowly: Slow burns don’t work with love at 1st sight. It must first sparkle naturally, slowly & subtly. Both kyo & tohru repeatedly stated they don’t know exactly when they first fell in love. The author’s decision to create an environment where the two live together is a genius way to start & nurture their romance quietly & subtly. Kyo was tricked to stay in shigure’s house while tohru had to stay cuz she had no home, Natural reasons that force the two to spend days together & get to know each other gradually.

2. Dynamics of their personalities: For slow burns to work, the two characters need to be similar yet opposites! Kyo & tohru are both kind, endearing, innocent, good at chores, independent & hardworking. They both have history with their mothers that is filled with love yet traumas. However, tohru is calm yet prefer maneuvering around subjects, can’t stand up for herself, reads ppl easily, tends to trust ppl easily & disregard herself. Kyo is fierce, strong, tends to distrust ppl, despite ppl loving his spontaneous character, he has hard time figuring out if they’re mocking him or teasing him, very straightforward with his words & actions. The similarities helps them understand each other, however, the differences creates chances to clash & come even closer thro various situation. Ex, se01, ep2, kyo apologizing for hitting her head with the table which created the situation where she needed to confess she always loved the cat zodiac! It is HER gush of emotions that struck kyo. ppl really want my friendship? the cat is loved? Thro those difference they learned to better themselves so they won’t hurt the other, kyo toning down his anger for her, tohru desiring to know him even more as he becomes even more awkward.

3. Creating natural, realistic  & convincing obstacles that prevents them from being together:  This is the most important part! Slow-burn is two characters in love & cant be together despite everyone wanting them to be! if the reason that stops them from uniting is trivial, stupid, one-sided, can easily be solved, then the slow-burn would be a fillery & no one would cheer for it! Takaya-san is a genius!

Kyo can’t be with tohru cuz he thinks (a) he killed her mom! we saw thr flashback, he could’ve saved her & couldn’t save her. It was a split of a second difference & he hates himsef for NOT trying! that split of a second also prevented from thinking of better ways to save her than holding her! it happened to fast, he couldn't think of a better alternative cuz this was his 2nd time loosing someone (b) his mom’s sucide being pinned as his fault created this immense guilt & defeated feeling that “ no matter what, I just cause death & misery! There’s (c) too!, he knew tohru! thinks she deserves the world & cuz he didnt save her mom, he watched tohru talk to a freaking picture for two years! heck! he is the only one who can see thro tohru’s “ i;m okay” mask, so in se01, ep 14 in the grave yard! kyo wasnt the only one who is sad! tohru was too! & kyo could tell! (d) her mom’s death is the reason tohru is accepting shigure’s offer to stay with them rent-free in exchange of doing housework! (e)? he saw her confess crying her heart out abt missing her mom so much that she imitated her dad! so tragicly sad! (f) he saw her die in his nightmare!! how can he accept her love,now? Perfectly orchestrated obstacles! 

Tohru, unfortunately, in the anime it wasn't that clear due to shortening her backstories & trauma in se03, ep6. But she too couldn’t see herself confessing love to kyo. Tohru is has low self-esteem, always thinks she’s a burden to others, an orphan who just wants her mom, so scared, lonely & sad! we the audience believed the mask! we saw her work her motherly charm yuki, isusuz, kisa & believe her issues are not that deep.  tohru wont cry for herself but shed rivers for others! grief is so ugly it broke her! I cant let go of mom, must keep her always in my heart, such a hard emotions to write & I believe 100% the director couldn’t understand her grief & decided to split ep6 between her, kyo, isuzu & shigure. But Tohru struggling to confess to kyo is no laughing matter. ppl who are grieving find it the hardest to live after the loved ones die. they wont mostly commit suicide, they are alive, but they arent living. they just go thro the motions & live for the sake of those around them but not themselves. Tohru deciding to confess to kyo is her deciding to live for herself.

4. Writing a perfect psychologically & emotionally packed climax: I dont need to explain how perfect kyo’s rejection of tohru in se03 ep9 was. How much we felt for him yet were mad at him. He we were “ ugh! kyo no!!!! I mean I get why you do that , but you idiot no! come back! poor kyo! He was just so sad & broken! OMG he’ll kill himself after finding tohru’s injured body!! he totally would! his nightmare came true! But Tohru reached him! she wanted him to be okay! he wont kill himself but still feels hella guilty! but so utterly in love with her that his instinct upon seeing her come to life after near death is kiss her! Perfect display of psychology & emotions! filled with right, wrong, sad, happy, guilty, innocent! basically so human~ As the audience you MUST have this mixture of feelings of wanting to hug him so bad cuz this boy has been killing himself for years now yet want him to stop & just see that he was a good boy afterall. Tohru is THE best girl & if the audience are cheering for kyo to be with her, kyo really deserves her! The only problem is for kyo to see that now.

5. The Perfect wrap up of all romance: If you make your audience suffer the slow-burn this long, you gotta reward them good! & Takaya-san delivered! Just like how the entire romantic story is realistic, the reunion must be as realistic too! Tohru is hurt by kyo;s words. Facts remain his words were hurtful to her. I love that was addressed! tohru gets to tell her side, too! If you love someone, you are bound to be hurt by them as much as be happy with them. Simply cuz they matter so much to you! you arent one person, but two ppl coming together. Kyo must work hard for this confession. Must run & chase her. Must earn her proper! He gets on his knees, I cant express how important that is! he is way taller than her, Imagine apologizing while she looks way up & he looks down? He gets on his knees & apologize like a man, for every mistake, all while not loathing himself. He aint going back to that deep abyss again. He did wrong by her & he is owning up to his mistakes. Give me one chance. I’m not gonna force you with persistence or guilt you into taking me. Give me ONE chance cuz i deserve it & no more. The choice is yours. She asks to confirm, he shows her, they kiss, they hug, they are rewarded with a blessing from the heavens! One of the most simple yet emotionally fulfilling confessions in anime!

- Hugs over kisses: (And her kiss hugs her & the curse was lifted):

Prince charming kisses the princess & she wakes up~ they live ever after~ except furuba is all abt “ eternal ever after is not true, real life is where the real love is”

Kyo kissed tohru once, she didnt wake up, she didnt even think he loved her back. didnt even remember the kiss.

Kyo hugged tohru once. se01, e024, He initiated it, tohru was all in tears, surprised, happy & so utterly in love. he called her name for the first time ever, for a brief moment, they both connected, they both comforted each other. The rain stopped, he became a man not a monster, she got him back. She got her kyo that she fought for with none other than kyo himself.

kyo hugged her again, se03, ep6. They both initiated it. He made the first move, pulling her just a little closer, she made the second move & hugged him hard, he transformed, it was a moment were they both connected, both so sad & broken, both feeling needy for the other, both desperate for the other, both just living the moment. the result is them coming closer, her wanting him more, him realizing her love, there is no escape. Admit it. she loves you. You can tell.

Kyo hugs her again today. He asks permission. No spur of the moment feeling. But a long lasting permission to be together. To hug. He wants to hear her acceptance of his cursed body. “ is ok to hug you? this body will cause you pain as it wont be able to fulfill your wishes of constant hugs & intimacy”. She responds, permission granted, for love, for hugs, for a life long acceptance of you as a whole. weakness & strength, sadness & happiness. I accept you all in better & worse! we’re invincible. Why? cuz we understand love isnt magic. It is a path for us to walk together~~~ reward curse break!

Every time kyoru are closer it is a hug. The one thing the zodiacs cant do. A hug. They can kiss. But cant hug. comes this Zodiac Ruler girl so lonely, away from ppl, so sad, meets a cat boy who comes to the house she’s living in, a house away from ppl, the boy is drawn to the girl, However, when the boy needed to leave, the girl was able to let go despite loving him, the boy comes again, this time wanting to stay, the girl accepts the boy. They both accept the realistic reality of life. Embrace the obstacles & the achievements, celebrates the weakness above the strength. Both so imperfect. Both so endearingly dumb! that’s why the girl’s hug broke the boy’s curse. The girl’s acceptance of the cat broke all curses.

Side Note:

Kyo’s confession is so kyo! so straightforward, so direct, & so physical. He’s on his knees, holding her hands, looking at her eyes. “ i want to be WITH you. If I’m gona live, I want to to do it with you & no one else! cuz I love you” that’s it. That’s all.  So sincere & so romantic!

it is crazy how different tohru & kyo are now after the confession! she stood confidently & happily & said “dont you know, I love you!” all while teasing him, her giggle is so girlish & cute! my girl is a happy woman in love! long buried the angelic mother image of se02! YES! also, kyo’s happy face is love! Dude! when was the last time he smiled so freely? Did he ever do that? He smiled in se01, ep4 with kazmua, but not like this! T_T. my son is healing~

Kyo’s “ i wont ever feel afraid if you’re with me” is a huge growth from his “ I want to protect her” mindset. Now he realizes it is two-sided mutual desire. She gives him strength as much as he does! <3

I dont like open eye while kissing, but here it is so perfect for tohru in this moment! cuz she spent days thinking kyo rejected her & even ran away as soon as she saw him, now he’s not only confessing, apologizing, admitting she is his life, but also kissing her signaling they’re romantic couple. kissing on lips is so personal, what more evidence she needs? still, her thoughts? “ it’s like a dream?” aww~~~ tohru~~~ my precious girl! she just cant believe all her suffering is over, now? She was just practicing “ i’m okay” smile & now she’s an official girlfriend to the man of her dreams? He just bent da kneeee~ go for it queen!

yuki’s face when tohru cried is exactly what I meant of “ allowing yuki to have strong facial expressions”! XD these types of faces humanize yuki so much into the teenage boy he is! Unfortunately the anime team only sees him as the pretty prince in most times. That’s why fave yuki is when he’s with kakeru. He becomes so un-princly as he should be.

Speaking of yuki, I see you anime team~ postponing his moment into next ep so him & machi wont be overshadowed by the long awaited kyoru!! While this defies the perfection of all cursed zodiacs breaking on the same ep making akito’s breakdown less perfect & poetic, I take it as the anime team admitting they underdeveloped yuchi & decided let’s give them more screen time & not putting them in close distance from any couple. A week later ep is enough with lots of time. I dont mind at all, I’m just saying more time after/while confession is not what i was hoping for~~ sigh~ At least I hope yuki would say sth along the lines” all this time I was looking at you, i realized i love you” to imply he was thinking of her as a lover not his kindness for someone he helped. I just dont want their love to be sudden simply cuz yuki needs happy ending. oh well~ I’m sure whatever it will be, the anime will give it utmost attention.

That sad moment when kagura wasnt allowed a moving image. lol. girl was given a still image that didnt even move with the breeze! T_T

Not gonna lie... the scene with kazuma & kyo was underwhelming. Why the wide shot? I mean you dont need budget for that. Just give me a closeup from the waist up with kyo head buried in kazuma’s chest. Dont need to waste budget on kazuma’s face, either.... do the old trick of hair covering eyes & show me glittery tears~  why the awkward shot of kazma towering in his own house! how tall is this man & why cant he he fix his roof?...lol

Also, shigure, you got scars man... who can hurt shigure? akito? gotta be her. I dont think hatori scratches...lol.. Aya? nah~ too busy with Mine! yup, akito... another steamy night? could be, she’s changed as he wish now. But scratching a face is weird while..um..kissing? a quarrel? but why? I bet she wants him now & we know he wants her....

More on part 2! especially abt the curse’s lore~

[renegadewangs]

Van Zieks - the Examination, Part 1

Warnings: SPOILERS for The Great Ace Attorney: Chronicles. Additional warning for racist sentiments uttered by fictional characters (and screencaps to show these sentiments).

Disclaimer: These posts are not meant to be taken as fact. Everything I'm outlining stems from my own views and experiences. I am a 30-something European woman, and therefore may not view the matter from certain angles. That said, I'm always open to more input from others. If you believe that I've missed or misinterpreted something, please let me know so I can edit the post accordingly. If we can make this a team effort, I would love that.

The purpose of these posts is an analysis, nothing more. Please do not come into these posts expecting me to either defend Barok van Zieks from haters, nor expecting me to encourage the hatred. I am of the firm belief that characters are no more than a tool created to serve a narrative purpose, therefore the question I'm posing is whether or not Barok van Zieks serves this purpose. That's all I'm doing here.

I'm using the Western release of The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles for these posts, but may refer to the original Japanese dialogue of Dai Gyakuten Saiban if needed to compare what's said. This also means I’m using the localized names and localized romanization of the names to stay consistent.

It doesn't matter one bit to me whether you like Barok van Zieks or dislike him. He's not real anyway, so he can't suffer from it. However, I will ask that everyone who comments refrains from attacking real, actual people. If you know you're morally in the right, there should be no need for insults to begin with. Let's keep this conversation civil and constructive! As the first post in a series, let’s first start by examining the expectations we would have for a character like this. The purpose he was meant to serve.

1: Expectations

As I said in a different Barok-related essay, the main prosecutor of any Ace Attorney game has been, and always will be, an antagonistic force. Not a villain, not even necessarily someone who exhibits immoral traits. (Hi Klavier!) Just someone who impedes the protag’s goal of getting a not-guilty verdict. In order to have an effective antagonist, they need to mirror the protag's weaknesses back at them. Ace Attorney does this quite well, as the prosecutors represent the obstacle/turmoil that the defense needs to overcome. Often times, the prosecutor is also tied to a pivotal moment in the attorney's past, making sure the strife is quite personal.

Considering the game's plot and settings, it would've been difficult for Barok to be tied to Ryunosuke's past. (He is tied to Asogi's past, funnily enough, but that's a matter I also addressed in that other Barok essay.) So instead, Barok represents Ryunosuke's struggle in more of a figurehead capacity. I've seen people dub him the 'CEO of Racism', and I'm not gonna lie, in a way that's correct. Barok was designed to be the mouthpiece of the harmful sentiments Japanese exchange students would have encountered in the 1900s. By extension, since Ryunosuke is an exchange student unfamiliar with the British courts (or even courts in general), the prosecutor would target the fact that Ryunosuke 'does not understand how things are done here'. Which he does- a lot. This makes it all the more satisfying when Ryunosuke proves him wrong by outsmarting him and using Britain's own laws (such as the closing argument) against him. So yes, you may hate Barok for uttering racist sentiments and dismissing Ryunosuke's abilities, but the ultimate goal here is that Barok's defeat is made sweeter as a result. The narrative end-game is Ryunosuke's triumph and validation in the courtroom.

Was there a different personal struggle Barok could have represented? Yes, but also no. Sure, his vendetta could have been strictly with the Asogi family and Ryunosuke could have admitted to carrying Asogi's resolve, not knowing what it meant. Though that would’ve implied very early that Asogi had a history of sorts in Britain and would’ve destroyed some of the surprise we experience in game 2. Alternatively, there was also the 'parallel' antagonist angle. The sort of villain who says the line “we're not so different, you and I.” The antagonist who shows what happens when someone with the same skills or motivations follows the wrong path, which emphasizes the right path for the protagonist. However, I can't see that working in the plot of this game.

A purposeful decision was made by the writers to have prejudice be a central theme of the plot. This is the matter that hits the hardest in an emotional sense. Therefore, having Barok be the centerpiece of this prejudice ensures he leaves the biggest narrative impact.

---

However, another long-running aspect of the AA prosecutor is the redemption arc, so let's turn our attention to that!

I'm not going to put too much effort into explaining this, I just want to talk about the requirements of a redemption arc. We all know these types of arcs, a lot of Ace Attorney prosecutors have them. We see them in fiction all over. Noteworthy examples of redemption arcs done well include Zuko from The Last Airbender, Michael from The Good Place... For argument's sake, let's toss Edgeworth in there too. I'm not saying Edgeworth's arc is done well, but at the very least it is accepted by most as something that served its intended purpose. I've never seen anyone question Edgeworth's transformation.

See, what we have here is a bit of a misnomer when it comes to what people expect to get out of these types of arcs. Redemption in itself is only 'deliverance from sin' or 'being saved from evil'. It's the thought that a horrible person can still see the error of their ways before it's 'too late'. However, when it comes to absorbing media, often a character gaining knowledge that they were in the wrong isn't enough to satisfy the audience. Would Edgeworth have had a satisfying redemption arc if he'd acknowledged his arrogance and dirty tactics, only to retire as a prosecutor? No way. We needed him to return in the following games to give us an update on his status. Standing in court as a defense attorney, at the risk of damaging his reputation, was the moment we knew he'd grown for the better.

What we require for the arc to come to a good conclusion is atonement. The character in question must not only apologize for their actions, but repent in a more active manner to show that they've changed their ways. Following that, the atonement must be acknowledged by others. So for example, Zuko joins the ATLA gang to help them in any way that he can until even the most skeptical of the group, Katara, acknowledges his transformation into a better person. Now add to this the notion that the character's atonement must be virtuous and sincere. The Good Place is a fascinating look into the debate of 'is it ever too late for a person to change?' and the moral complications of changing in the first place. If you're only doing good things because you want to be saved from damnation, are you being a good person or are you being selfish? There's such a thing as corrupt motivation; only doing good because it is expected. For example, does sponsoring a library make Magnus McGilded a good person? It does not, since he's only doing it to boost his own reputation and have people believe he's selfless.

As a final note, I want to ask: Does a redemption arc require a backstory to justify the character's immoral ways? Personally, I don't think that it does. It's good to have, since it allows an audience to empathize with the character and give them more of a reason to root for them. It turns the redemption arc into a tale about overcoming past trauma. However, it can backfire when done badly and lead to frustration. (I'm looking at you, live action Disney movies!) Some characters are evil just for the sake of being evil and even then, they can turn over a new leaf because they realize it is just so much more rewarding to be good. Just look at Michael from The Good Place.

What's more effective than a backstory, in my opinion, is smaller details to humanize a character. Humanization can also lead to empathy, perhaps even relatability, and helps us believe that they're capable of change. We need to be told that a character has their own fears, their own flaws, their own odd little habits which deviate from the norm... Again, I'll point to Michael from The Good Place for this. Another humanization tactic, which we see employed often in Ace Attorney, is to display a prosecutor's likes and hobbies outside the courtroom. Edgeworth's fanboying over the Steel Samurai, Blackquill's love for birds, Nahyuta's willingness to stand in line for hours to get his hands on a delicious burger... I've feel ya, Nahyuta. This tactic is more readily employed in Ace Attorney because it's difficult to place a prosecutor in a position of weakness before the final showdown. You can show them tending to hobbies during Investigation segments, but you can't show them waking up from a nightmare or wondering whether their father loves them. Well, not until case 5 of that game, anyway. By then, it's too late to serve as the sole humanization factor. Did Van Zieks need to be redeemed at all? The way I see it, the only correct answer is yes. What do we want to see in our world? Do we want people who hold racist prejudice to acknowledge their faults and become better, or do we want them to die clinging to their shitty moral compass? Do we want a world where everyone learns to get along, or do we want a world where people continue to be in the wrong and act like assholes until they inevitably get punished by law for something or another? Van Zieks needed to be redeemed in order to teach that valuable lesson that it’s never too late to be a good person and that it pays to be a good person.

So to summarize, what we needed from Barok van Zieks was the following:

1) Present an antagonistic (possibly immoral) force who personifies Ryunosuke's biggest personal obstacle/weakness, in this case racial prejudice. 2) Humanizing traits begin to show. OPTIONAL: A backstory to justify any immorality he has. 3) Over time, Barok has his realization and sees the error of his ways. 4) Barok atones for his immorality, not simply through apology but by taking decisive steps. 5) The cast around him acknowledges his efforts and forgives him.

This leaves us with the question: Does the game deliver on these points? Well, let's boot it up and find out! Stay tuned for The Adventure of the Runaway Room! (as a warning, it’s gonna be LONG)

[fenristheorem]

Lance finding out that Gardienne killed herself? After a while of her being in the HQ again, he has fallen in love with her. She just couldn't bear those seven years, having lost that many people and being here just to save this world by suffering.

He wanted to tell her he loved her, he knocked her door, he worried bc no one answered, and he finds her hanged up.

I know this is really specific, it's just kind of my OC ending😅😅 anyway, I'd understand if you weren't comfortable with this.

So I’m going to talk about the boundaries of what I write for a moment, starting by saying that I will write this BUT I won’t write detailed suicide scenes due to the sensitive nature of it.

This ask isn’t asking for a detailed scene, it’s asking for the effects the decision has on Lance, and because it’s asking for the long-term effects and not a scenario I’m just fine with writing this. 

Thank you for asking this, Anon, genuinely. Being this specific was probably what gave me the push to write this in the end because I know you were looking for the reaction and not the actual scene. This is a good example of a post that walks along the lines of what I will and won’t write so anyone requesting future asks with a similar subject gets a better idea of what to ask.

Also, I apologize for how long this took to write. This ask was, unfortunately, the one that spent the most time eaten in my drafts folder so I couldn’t work on it until about a week ago. Fortunately that gave me a lot of time to think over how to best write this, so I think this’ll be appropriately written considering the subject.

*Warning / Note: This post contains heavy depressive themes and suicidal mentions, as evident by the ask and what I wrote above. I’m aware that this is a very sensitive subject and I intend to treat it with appropriate seriousness. This is not a happy post, please only read this if you know this won’t lead you down a dark path. To me, writing is another form of art, meant to express and draw out emotions from the audience, so I won’t subside the intensity of my writing even with this being a sensitive subject. I don’t intend to drive anyone to harm themselves, but I do intend to write with the intensity that I always do because this is my artform; so please prepare for heavy themes or don’t read if you’re not comfortable with this. On a side note: I care about everyone, I really do, so please take care of yourselves. If you’re feeling depressive or suicidal, talk to someone, please. There is always someone who cares about you.

Technically Guardienne's death may have a major adverse effect on Eldarya due to her link with the crystal, but for the sake of this ask I'll ignore any possible effects like that.

~Under the cut~

Lance’s reaction to Guardienne’s suicide:

Lance had seen a lot of terrible things in life and had done many terrible things in his life, but this reached a new type of fucked up for him. Not because it's truly disturbing - although it is deeply disturbing - but because it fucked him up even more in a way that he neither thought could be possible nor that he could bear.

He’s convinced that he’s cursed; everything that’s happened to him has been his fault. He started the war within Eldarya, destroyed so many faeries’ lives, killed his own brother, and now the woman he loved is dead because of him as well. Sure, he wasn’t the one to tie the rope around her neck, but there are signs for these sorts of things. Was he truly that blind that he couldn’t see that she was in pain? Did he ever truly love her if he couldn’t see the pain? Would she have done anything differently if he wasn’t there to constantly remind her of everything that was lost?

Lance believes he deserves this. He’s caused so much pain and agony for everyone, it only makes sense that he should be the one in pain now. Lance won’t try to fight the agony he’s in, he’ll let himself drown in it for nights on end to wake up - or not even sleep to begin with - feeling exhausted, reckless, irritated and - overall - worthless. He’s sure to emerge from his room in the morning without the slightest hint that he’s been sobbing quietly with the feeling of a dagger twisting itself over and over within his chest all night, and he’ll refuse to answer any questions about if he’s alright after the recent events. He was the one to find her after all; it would make sense that he was hit the hardest...

In the daytime he’ll be rough and withholding, keeping the Obsidian guard in a tight hold to reflect how he needs to hold himself tightly to keep from falling apart. It’s one thing for him feel and express emotions, but this feeling is an entirely different thing; this is something that should not be released into Eldarya. He realizes it and knows that this feeling - something that he recognizes all too well from his past - threatens to destroy everything that he worked so hard to gain in the past seven years.

Mathieu will notice Lance’s change in temperament immediately, and being the kind man he is he’ll want to be there for the dragon, but Lance won’t be looking for comfort; he’ll be looking for something that will change the past and take back everything that happened. But that’s impossible - he knows that - and so he’ll be stuck in a state of limbo, deemed to mourn for his unknown, unrealized love until... something happens to change him.

Ice cold fear will wash over him some days as he recognizes the familiar feeling that haunted him in the past, and while he’ll be aching to reach out to lean on someone for support - afraid of this feeling overwhelming him again - he’ll feel that he can’t lean on anyone. He doesn’t deserve that support at this point after all he’s done, and there’s so many others who are busy grieving; the guard needs him to be strong now. However, on occasion - when he has a clear mind - he’ll grieve gently with someone who’s somewhat close to him, sharing kind memories of Guardienne and gently advising them to spend time around friends if his co-worker feels it’s needed. He’ll never completely break in front of anyone though, he can’t bring himself to. 

However, Lance falls apart immediately when he’s alone, sometimes even lingering in the conference room for a few minutes after a meeting to allow himself the private time alone to recollect himself. Grief will randomly hit him throughout the day, constricting his throat, burning his chest, and glassing over his eyes - and every time he’ll excuse himself from his company to isolate himself until he regains control again. This, of course, is taken into notice by a few others around the guard, and slowly there’ll be people who realize that Lance is not fine.

This becomes a further issue over time as his grief slowly turns into anger and disgust, and this is when that familiar, ominous feeling from his past really rears it’s ugly face. He should have seen something. Was he really that terrible to her that she felt she couldn’t trust him? Was everyone really that blind to not see her hurting?

Lance finds that he begins to choose to isolate himself, mentally and physically. He’ll leave the guards members alone that have stated they need time off, but he won’t be very forgiving with those who have chosen to continue their work but seem to be slacking. His mentality is that if you can’t handle continuing on, then don’t offer your service as it’ll become a hindrance, and this quickly becomes a major issue.

Huang Hua - knowing how important Guardienne was to Eldarya, and the guard especially - has let it be known that if anyone needs a break from their responsibilities, then it’ll be allowed, but she will stress that those who feel they can continue to function please try to do so, and be lenient and take on a few responsibilities that aren’t usually asked of them if they feel they can. She can read other’s auras and sense intentions and emotions of sorts, so she can generally get a good read on how someone is doing, but she can’t consistently do that with everyone, so while she’ll use this ability when necessary to enforce that someone take a break so they don’t fall apart, not every unstable case is known to her. This is the main reason why she slightly overlooks Lance for a while. When he first found Guardienne, he panicked immediately, rushing her to Ewelein and not even truly believing her death until many days after the event. Huang Hua - having sensed his shock and panic blocking out any other emotions - let it go for a few days; everyone goes through their own grieving process, some immediately and some not until many years afterwards. There was nothing that anyone could do for him until Guardienne’s death hit him fully. However, she also knew from her abilities that Lance was in love with her, or at very least had a deep liking for Guardienne, so the instant a few members of the guard come to her expressing serious concerns regarding Lance’s recent aggression and distance, Huang Hua knows immediately that it needs to be dealt with. This grief was an unknown factor in Lance’s new life - but his past with this type of grief shows clearly that this can really fuck him up - so it needed to be discussed, otherwise he risks spiraling back into the same place he was seven years ago.

She’ll approach him when he’s alone, or if they’re in a relatively public space she’ll take him somewhere private, sensing all the while the breathtakingly painful feeling of agony, anger and distress that’s clouding his mentality. It was just the same as when he was Ashkore, how did he not yet break? He’ll refuse to follow her if he knows she wants to talk about his emotions - ironic since he’s always been open to sharing his perspective and thoughts - so she’ll just tell him that she needs to talk to him in private regarding a few anonymous tips from some guards members if he happens to ask why.

Being alone with an unstable, emotionally distraught dragon with a history of violence while under heavy states of grief does unsettle her a bit, but she knows the outcome of this will be much worse if he truly feels isolated. He’s not going to reach out for help by himself - he doesn’t know how to, nor does he probably want to - so she needs to be the one to reach out to him and help him stabilize himself before another situation like Valkyon’s death occurrs.

She’ll consider first talking alone with him in his room - where he’d likely feel most comfortable - but considering he’d likely be defensive, that could then translate into aggression in his own territory, and that may lead her to being forced out of his room for her own safety. Lance has certainly changed in temperament, but heavy grieving emotions can blind someone, so there’s really no promising that nothing... destructive may happen, no matter how much he’s changed in patience.

She then considers talking with him in the conference room, but there isn’t a whole lot of privacy there. The conference room is more for business, rather than personal, private, emotional conversations. The last thing Lance needed in this moment was for his emotions to be treated even slightly like a business confrontation and not as an important part of his being. Frankly, even on a day where he’s feeling just fine he would never accept anyone’s emotions to be treated like a business issue, so the last thing she wanted was to imply that by bringing him into a room that could do just that.

Huang Hua then thinks over the idea of talking to him in her room; it would likely be safer, after all. He probably won’t become territorial or aggressive as it’s not his territory, and it’ll be a gentle reminder that she’s happy to welcome him into her personal life to help comfort him (therefore defeating the concern that it could seem like a business confrontation), but since it’s her territory he might emotionally shut himself down. It can be uncomfortable to fall apart in someone else’s room, especially knowing they’re higher ranking and could be interrupted at any moment to deal with something else...

Then she wonders if she should bring him outside of the guard to speak with him - somewhere that’s private and on neutral ground. That way they’d both be in strange territory and may not be interrupted, and if they are they’d receive prior warning by noticing that someone was walking their way.

Of course, Huang Hua then realizes that - no matter how much she’d like to think that she understands what would make Lance most comfortable - she truly doesn’t know what would help him best, but she can be there to provide support at very least, regardless of where they are. At the end of the day, Lance would probably know where he’d feel most comfortable, so when she approaches him to talk, saying that it’s an important but private conversation, she’ll ask him where he would rather talk. He’ll be slightly hostile, especially when he picks up on the fact that she’s going out of her way to word things carefully and prioritize his comfort, but he’ll decide to talk somewhere private outside the guard, where no one is around.

And that’s how Huang Hua finds herself in the middle of the open plains, far away from the guard to talk to a dragon who might as well be stabbing himself with his own dagger with how he’s been allowing himself to feel as of late. She’ll start off gently, telling him the recent concerns of a few anonymous guard’s members and Lance will stand a few feet away and listen coldly with a blank expression until she suggests that he take a few days off. He’ll debate things with her then, and it’ll escalate slowly until Lance is clearly distressed but still unmoving in his decision to remain active, and Huang Hua will know then that she can’t be gentle anymore...

“Lance, take a few days off, for your sake.”

“No.” His tone is harsh and cold as he snaps at her. “The guard needs me, there’s so much I need to do - so much I need to repay-” He didn’t mean to let that last statement slip - after all, his actions certainly couldn’t be made up for, right? - but emotions can be a powerful thing, can’t they?

“You won’t be able to do any of that if you’re destroying everything you’ve helped rebuild in the process.” Lance is pacing, keeping his eyes trained to the ground. Huang Hua - despite her anxiousness at the dragon being so stubborn on decisions made under heavy negative emotions - tries to keep a comforting, open atmosphere to avoid furthering any issues. “You know the pain you’ve cast upon on others, you’ve felt that same sort of pain now and you need to take time to be able to recover from that.”

“I can’t take time, it’s not something I can just accept! Everyone I’ve hurt before never had time to accept the situation before I made it worse, but they still pushed forward! There’s no reason for me to have it any easier!”

“And where would we be if we treated you the same way you used to treat the world? Would we be any better than how you used to be?”

Lance stops pacing but his eyes remain on the ground, his throat constricting as his thoughts run rampant. Would they be the same as how he used to be if they allowed him to keep running himself this way? He’s done terrible things, but he’s spent many years trying to keep that from happening again. Certainly he’s an asset to the guard now, so would it be cruel of them to ignore his distress? Or would it be justified payback for everything he’s done?

“Lance, you’ve done wonderful things the past seven years, and we want you to continue that and I know you want to continue that as well. Take some time off so you can do that without destroying yourself or your environment. Don’t ignore your pain like it’s nothing - it’s not nothing, and you have the resources to deal with it in a better way now. Use those resources, Lance, it’ll help you work your way through this.” Huang Hua’s tone is gentle and soft as she pleads with him, hoping that her blunt words will reach his common sense.

He tries to argue this, stuttering the beginning of sentences to try and disprove her point, grasping for any reason as to why his pain is invalid. However, Lance finds that there’s no sound argument against Huang Hua’s words, and constricting panic, horror, and then heavy tides of grief will hit him as he realizes that he is, in fact, dragging himself into his own downfall. He is his own worst enemy, once again.

In any manner, this is all his fault - his past actions, Guardienne’s distress of what’s changed that lead to her death, his emotional isolation, and disruption of the guard is all because he doesn’t know how to deal with himself and his abyss of emotions. How did this happen to him? He was never the type of person to deny and hide away his emotions, so how is it he ended up caging himself like this when under personal grief? Is it because the situation is so personal to him that he has a hard time allowing himself to seek comfort in others who likely couldn’t understand?

Lance will fall apart at this, closing his eyes and turning towards the ground to keep himself together, but falling apart all the same as grief overwhelms him one final time in a push that throws him over the edge. He’ll clench his fist and bow his head, bringing it over his mouth as he desperately tries to steady his breathing, to no avail as tears find their way from his eyes and his chest heaves in quieted sobs. 

Huang Hua will lurch forward to comfort him, but stops as Lance whirls around to step back and snap at her - he didn’t want comfort, he wanted her back!

“Where were you for her!? Why didn’t anyone else see her pain!?” His eyes are tragedy and desperation underneath the weakened cold anger of ice blue, a faint few tears streaking down his face as his voice - thunderous and howling - cracks and breaks alongside his crumbling rage. If he couldn’t have fixed this, then someone else could have - why didn’t anyone fix this!?

“You know it’s not morally correct to monitor everyone’s private emotions all the time. What kind of leader would I be if I didn’t allow my people their privacy?” Huang Hua stills and clasps her hands together at her waist, understanding Lance’s outward anger. However, she realized his statement signaled something else as well; Lance could no longer fight why he should allow himself to grieve, so he was desperately clinging onto some semblance of needing to be distant by turning it to be someone’s fault - someone that he could hate.  “You are right in a way; of the many people who knew her, someone might have been able to catch how torn up she felt, but people who wish to hide their pain, or spend so long hiding their pain that it becomes a part of who they are, learn how to hide their pain in ways too complex for others to realize. And, Lance, if she didn’t want anyone to know about her grief, there wouldn’t have been much that I could have done anyways.”

“You could have helped her!” The dragon’s voice was weakening as he spoke, distant anger being replaced by a cold, hollow emptiness as he realized the truth in Huang Hua’s words.

“Only if she was ready for that help. You can’t force someone to accept help, you can only wait for them to allow themselves to be helped.”

“She wouldn’t want me to find relief during this time...” He looked away toward the ground and hung his head, blinking rapidly as he began to heave for breath. There must be a reason why he shouldn’t be allowed to feel this way .

“Do you think she would have wanted everything good you did - whether she knows what you did or not - to be destroyed because of your grief for her?” Lance’s eyes squinted closed and he tilted his head a bit further away from the phoenix. It seemed as though every reminder of everything good he’s done continues to leave him with a hollow chest. “I think if she witnessed firsthand everything you’ve done the past seven years she would have thought very differently about you now than what she did when first having woken up from the crystal.”

Lance turns to face his back towards her, resting a palm on his forehead before brushing his fingers back through his hair as a tremble rolls through him. He could feel pressure rising from his throat as he bared his teeth in an agonized snarl before parting his mouth to silently gasp for air. His head tilted back to look at the sky, only for a few tears to fall from his eyes when he releases a shaky breath.

“Lance, your situation with her was very unique - no one else could begin to understand exactly what you’re feeling from your history with her. Take some time so you can understand it - and fix, or do, or feel whatever you need to - so you can carry forward knowing yourself better.”

He wanted to fight her statement, but his moral compass argued with his resistance on this as well. If anything, of whatever terrible things came as a result of her death, there should be some good sought from it as well. What’s the point of accepting a tragedy if not to learn something from it as well, even if it’s something quiet that no one else knows you learned?

For the first time in a long while - if not ever - Lance allows himself to break and be comforted. He lets himself embrace the burning, stinging pain that rises in his chest as he turns his head back to the ground and collapses on his knees. Huang Hua immediately reacts and is by his side in moments, on her knees and laying a gentle hand on his shoulder as she leans against him slightly. Sobs escape his throat as his body tenses and curls forward slightly, bracing a hand on the ground to steady himself as tremulous waves of emotions - any and all emotions that could possibly be named - wash over him and leave him gasping for air.

“I miss her, too.” Huang Hua’s voice shakes now as she leans further against the dragon, bringing her arms as far around him as she can while her head rests against his shoulder, away from the spines on his pauldrons. Lance brings his other hand up and tightly grasps the forearm reaching across his chest.

Huang Hua had spent so much time trying to help others through this that she had completely forgotten to make sure she was alright as well, and seeing Lance - the man she least expected to be torn apart by this situation - completely break and fall apart before her eyes reminded her of the true depth of their loss. They didn’t just lose Eldarya’s savior, they had lost a friend, a great warrior, one of the last angels, someone who was pure at heart and wasn’t afraid to face the darkness of life without so much as a blink of hesitation. They had lost someone who gave everything for the world, and suffered because of it.

Minutes merged until they were unsure of how long they spent in the fields, but in time both of them calmed down. Lance - now able to think clearer on the subject - began to reflect on the situation.

“This wasn’t her fault... the blame is on all of us, for not having seen anything... but she must have known that someone would have been there for her if they knew how much she was hurting...” He murmured this quietly, waves of shame washing over him again as he realized he was perhaps pinning some of the blame on Guardienne. Was there really anyone to blame here? She must have known that someone would have been there for her if she sought help, but it’s not right for others to pry into the personal life of another if the intrusion is unwelcomed, and who was to say she wanted help in the first place? Had she given up? Would anyone have been able to stop her to begin with? Who was to blame, if there was anyone?

“There’s nothing we can do now except honor her and move forward.” Huang Hua whispered back with a shaky voice and Lance faintly nodded his head. There were many things that worked together to lead to this happening, and in between there also were moments where something could have helped deter it, both by her doing and by others. At the root core, everyone and anyone could have helped stop this in some way, even if it was by giving her a small passing smile that could have helped remind her that there is good and hope in the world, but there’s also no guarantee that anyone could have stopped it. Regardless, this is how things happened. They can’t change the past, but they can move forward with her in mind and learn from this.

Lance - despite his heavy grief and complex emotions on everything - begins to soften himself to the situation. He’s not the only one grieving. His situation may have been the most complicated, but he’s still in the same boat as everyone else. He doesn’t feel the need to sob alongside the others anymore, but he does find that whenever the group he’s in begins to fall apart into wailing, he’ll bow his head and won’t hide the obvious pain that he’s in at the reminder of his lost love. His feelings for Guardienne will be kept quiet, and he won’t openly say how he felt about her - it could still be seen as wrong in the opinion of some people for him to have fallen in love with the same woman he hurt so much, especially knowing her pain is what led to her death - but he won’t deny the truth of his feelings to those who caught on somehow. Lance will find that he’ll slowly begin to mend after this death, many months after of course, but it’ll happen, and in some ways this will help him move past his brother’s death as well. After all, in the end both Guardienne and Valkyon came to accept their final moments in life before allowing Lance’s past actions to bring about their end, and although one chose to die to help mend him and the other chose to die to help relieve herself, the root issue of the situation that led to their death was still very similar. He’ll have a hard time allowing himself to move past the fact that his actions played a major part in both deaths, but he realizes in time that that’s what happens when someone has a violent past. It’ll haunt for many years, and the effects of it can never be reversed, but in the end this only inspires him to work harder to provide a better world. Maybe he can’t erase what he did, but he can make sure it doesn’t happen again and work to provide Eldarya with as much good as he can provide now.

Without a doubt Guardienne’s death hits him hard, but he’ll be sure to come back twice as strong from this.

I hope you like this, Anon! I feel Guardienne’s suicide would definitely hit Lance hard and remind him subtly of Valkyon’s death, but I don’t see Lance being held down by this for too long. He’d heavily grieve for her for a good while before he eventually finds himself standing on two feet again and powering his way through life, if not for his own sake then for the sake of others, both alive and dead. 

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