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believesthings · 4 months

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Not Just A Girl - Chapter 9 // Jason Sudeikis x Reader

A/N: I was originally going to do a “fade to black” situation here but you guys have been so lovely on your feedback to this story that I figured you deserved some smut, as a treat.

Warnings: smut

You wake up to a steady chirping noise – a steady loud chirping noise. Even through the closed door – and now a pillow over your head – you can hear the insistent alert. You groan. You were having such a lovely dream.

After several cycles it is clear to you that the noise isn’t going to stop. You flip the pillow off your head groggily. Dear Lord what time is it? You check your phone so see it is a little past two in the morning. Is that Jason’s alarm already? Surely he isn’t sleeping through that irritating noise. You pull yourself out of bed and stumble to the door to investigate. You call out as you walk into the hallway. “Jason?”

Jason opens his door a moment later, still adjusting his clothes. Sweatpants? Interesting choice. Judging by his curious expression the source of the noise is not his alarm. “Hey?” He adds a question mark to the end. Clearly still half asleep.

The steady chirp-beat-chirp-beat-chirp pattern sounds louder now while you are standing out in the hallway. There is a delay and the chirping patterns starts again. You hug your arms at your waist, trying not to sound as tired as you feel. “What is that noise? Is that your alarm?”

“No…” Jason tilts his head during the next delay and then breaks into laughter when he sources the noise. “Oh hell. It’s the smoke detector. Must be the batteries.”

“…You’re kidding me.”

While he is turned to look up at the ceiling you note that his shirt is on inside out. A hastily thrown on article of clothing? You didn’t need to put on any clothes on my account, Jason. Why again were you sleeping in the guest room? He spins and is off down the hallway to the kitchen. “Hang on. I think I’ve got some batteries somewhere.”

The smoke detector is still merrily chirping away. It’s always the middle of the night when such things happen. You’re in a full blown giggle fit when he returns, batteries in hand and a chair in tow.

“The joys of owning your own place. No front desk to call for such things.” You move to hold the chair steady while Jason installs the batteries. He reaches up to tend to the device and his shirt pulls up revealing some of his well-defined torso. Your fingers immediately send a request to your brain expressing their desire: Must touch! To maintain control you grip the chair a little more firmly than needed until Jason once again stands on the floor beside you. With the batteries changed the both of you stand in wait, watching the device to make sure it doesn’t sound off again.

That’s when the next unit down the hall starts to chirp, sending you into a fresh wave of laughter. Jason holds out his hand, holding the extra batteries out to you. “Your turn.”

Still laughing, you palm the batteries from him and slide the chair down underneath the next unit. “Please tell me there aren’t any more of these things. Unless you have more batteries somewhere?” Jason hasn’t dropped his hand and it dawns on you that he’s waiting to help you step up onto the seat of the chair. Standing in the chair you consider the detector a moment. You hadn’t been watching when he had pulled the other one down from the ceiling. You bite your lip and take a random guess that it unscrews from a mounted base.

You can hear Jason laugh quietly over the chirps. “I’ve never seen someone concentrate so hard while changing batteries in a smoke detector.”

“I wasn’t watching to see how you did it.” You admit sheepishly. The unit finally clicks loose and you are able to pop out the old batteries. Oh sweet silence.

“Oh?”

You pause after pushing one of the new batteries into place to look down at him. He has taken up a stance just off and behind your right shoulder. “Yes. I got distracted – oh hush.” Ignoring his merriment, you press the second battery in next to the first and you stretch to twist the detector back into place. “This is really your area you know. Shorter people don’t normally mess with things on the ceiling. Particularly not in the middle of the night.” You fiddle with the old batteries in your hands while you wait, anticipating another alarm sounding off but nothing happens.

“Figured you’d want to participate since it did rouse you from bed. Anyway - you’re doing just fine.”

His voice dips slightly with the word fine which sends a shiver down your spine. “Well I do know how to install batteries.” … I know how to install batteries? Good job on screening thoughts before they tumble from your mouth.

Jasonholds out his arms to help you off the chair. His hands slide up from your waist to grip just below your arms as you step down. Once you’ve settled onto the floor he waits a beat before releasing you.

Apparently the pair of you are going to see who drives the other crazy first. Even considering your stubbornness you’re a lingering gaze away from cracking your resolve.

Jason scoops up the kitchen chair and takes the old batteries from you to dispose of them. You start to go back to the guest room and then pause. He is lost in thought when he reappears from the kitchen, one had running through the hair on the back of his head. When he notices you still standing in the hallway he smiles. “We should be good now – it’s safe to go back to bed.”

You nod and let him pass you by with a softly repeated goodnight. You stop in the doorway to the guest room. Oh come on, out with it. This is ridiculous. You take a breath. “Jason?” You wait until he turns and makes eye contact before continuing. “Are we really going to sleep like this until I go back to LA?” You wave both your hands towards the opposing rooms.

“Are we? If that’s what you want. It’s completely up to you.” Jason slowly walks back towards you while he speaks as though you’d startle and run.

Him. You want him.

“Well then –” You exhale and smile up at him now that he is within arm’s reach. You hook your hands behind his neck and pull him into a kiss. Lip locked, you take a step back to draw him with you backwards into the guest bedroom. Thank goodness your bag is off towards the sidewall. Now is not the time to stumble over things.

“I’ve got you.” He chuckles when you emit a squeak upon backing into the bed. You’d lost track of your progress into the room. After following you into the bed he peels you out of your pants while his lips migrate their attentions down towards your collar.

Your hands have once again find their way behind his neck and you finger the tag that hangs from his collar. Hmm. Too many pieces of clothing are still in play. “Your shirt is on inside out, by the way.”

He pauses sucking at your neck to sit back and pull the collar of his shirt away from his body slightly to examine it. “Is it? Um, well – easily solved.” He snatches the back of his shirt just over his shoulder and pulls it off over his head. He starts to turn the shirt right side out and push his arms back through.

Ever the comedian.

When you take it from him to toss it aside you mutter, “Don’t you dare…”

Your brain is in sensory overload. Never in your wildest dreams would you have imagined that Jason Sudeikis would have you pinned to the bed, his lips and hands exploring your body. Ok, scratch that, this is exactly what you imagined in your wildest dreams. But those had been just fantasies. You never thought that you’d ever end up coming to know the man, let alone end up beneath him.

After getting you out of your pants so quickly he had taken his sweet time removing your tank top and finally your underwear. Thus far you’ve been careful not to leave any love bites but if he continues to nip at your skin you’ll be happy to give him the same treatment – let him worry about explaining it on set. Jason has worked his way back up to your collar bone. He apparently really enjoys the sounds you make when his lips massage the areas around your neck. Dear Lord Jase, you’re prolonging this to the point it is borderline torture.

Jason stops in the middle of kissing you and stares at you. Did you just say that last thought aloud? It takes you a second to not sound completely out of breath. “Um… what?”

He shakes his head, unable to dim the giant smile plastered on his face. “Nothing. I – I’m happy. Am I not allowed to smile?”

Your body is one giant mass of frustration and he’s stopping to smile at you. But God, what a beautiful smile it is. You manipulate your hips to remind him of the circumstances and he chuckles – an interesting sensation with your bodies pressed together as they are. He shifts away from you to reach towards the bedside table. “Jason? Looking for something?” You’re starting to laugh from his odd behavior.

He pauses, looking momentarily perplexed. “Oh… right. Guest bedroom. Hang on.” He moves to get out of bed and then changes his mind and leans back to you. He gives you a quick peck, hesitates, and kisses you again with a little more force before getting up. “Don’t. Move.”

You prop yourself up on your elbows to watch him dash out of the room in nothing but his underwear. You can hear him crashing around his room before a dim light reflects down the hallway. God if he hurts himself… “Jason? Are you okay?”

“What?” He calls back.

You’re sitting up now. “Whatever you’re doing. Can’t it wait?” Are you really begging him for sex? This is slightly embarrassing. Under the sheet you pull your knees up towards your torso and press your fingertips to the space between your eyebrows.

With your eyes closed you hadn’t realized that Jason had reappeared in the doorway. You jump when he speaks. “I wanted to make sure the alarm was set loud enough on my phone and… well – the way things are going – no. It couldn’t.”

Now you’re even more embarrassed. Jesus. Where was your head? You were so focused on instant gratification that you’d blocked out everything else. Jason still had to work in the morning and all you were thinking about was getting him into bed with you. Ok it has been awhile – a very long while – for you but that’s no excuse. How early was his call time? “Ah – right…”

The bed shifts with the added weight as Jason rejoins you. He pulls your hand away from your face and kisses your palm. “Darling, please don’t hide from me…” He starts to massage his thumb into your palm while he waits for you to respond.

“Not hiding, per se – embarrassed.” Your cheeks are burning. You’re either going to die of embarrassment or unsated tension. Your body hasn’t quite decided yet.

You look up to see Jason nodding with his eyes slowly working their way down the exposed part of your body, following the blush as it extends over your skin. “I can see that.”

Unsated tension just gained the upper hand.

His eyes meet yours again and he starts to get up out of the bed. Before he releases the hand he had been massaging you use it to snag his fingers. “Now where are you going?”

He is caught, half standing. He blinks at you. “Um, to put on something more than my pants? You – um? I’m confused.” He allows you to pull him back so he is seated on the bed again.

You shift to tuck your legs beneath you and move up onto your knees, letting the sheet fall down onto the bed. “Darling –” you lean forward to lightly brush your lips against his. “Embarrassment doesn’t equal doubt. And you don’t need clothing right now - you’re not even going to need your pants soon.”

When you pull away again Jason gives you an approving nod, “Is now a weird time for me to tell that I find it incredibly sexy when you call me darling?"

All you can do is laugh.

He cups your face in his hands and brings his lips down to yours. The kiss was slow and tender, both taking your time.

You surrendered yourself to that kiss, releasing all the sexual tension that came out of that night. You both seemed to hold onto each other as if your lives depended on it. The kiss became more and more heated and you stopped to breathe only when the burning of your lungs became unbearable. eyes unconsciously went to the bed. Jason was trying to think, but that became increasing more difficult with each passing second. He thought about what had happened that night with the smoke detectors, what you'd said about staying in the guest room for the rest of your time here. He thought about all that might have been that night, how he might have preferred to have a decorated room and a candlelit dinner, something more romantic to accompany this, but you were together and that's all that mattered.

Your heart was racing. You could tell something had shifted within him—the look in his eyes, the way he touched you, it was different. It was more intense, more connected, more passionate, just more. You knew at that moment he wasn't going to stop where this was going and you knew that you weren’t going to stop this either.

Jason broke the kiss. He looked into your eyes and searched for any sign of hesitation. He saw nothing but passion and pure longing. The sight of your naked body sent such an intense surge of lust through his body that he wondered how it was possible that he thought staying in the guest room was a good idea. He kissed your lips briefly before moving his mouth to your neck through the valley between your breasts and further down until he was kneeling in front of you. Your eyes met briefly before he ran his tongue over your folds, teasing you, and causing you to throw your head back and moan.

As he was doing this, you took the opportunity to hook your legs behind his back and pull him towards you. Jason, still on his knees, obliged your silent request and positioned himself between your legs. He kissed you again, this time it was neither tender nor slow. Your hands worked on the buttons of Jason’s shirt, desperate to feel his naked skin against yours. Jason made himself useful by taking off his sweats. He was just as desperate as you to feel your naked skin against his. You lay back onto the bed pulling Jason on top of you. He discarded his sweats off to the side.

Jason took the time to worship every inch of your body. He loved the way you moaned when he kissed the spot on your neck just over your pulse. He loved the way you whimpered when he ran his mouth and his hands over your breasts. He loved how you impatiently writhed underneath him, grinding against his already rock hard erection, in search of a release. He hovered over you and looked directly in your eyes. “You're beautiful," was all he could say.

"I want you," was all you could say.

He smirked and found your lips again. He brought you into a heated kiss that only left you wanting more. You made a move to remove his boxers, the last piece of clothing separating them, but jason stopped you. “Not yet," he whispered.

Before you had a chance to question his motives, Jason launched a full assault on your senses. He was kissing you with renewed intensity and his hands were suddenly everywhere at once. He was determined to get you off at least a couple of times before you got to the main act.

Jason rolled you both over positioning your lithe, naked body on top of his. He let his hands slide over your form reveling in the smoothness of your skin. Keeping one hand on the swell of your ass, he brought his other hand to the base of your neck and pulled you down for a feverish kiss. He ran his fingers through your hair massaging your scalp and willing your body to relax—to surrender to everything but him and the pleasure he was going to give you. Without reducing any of the passion or intensity, he purposefully slowed the tempo of kiss. While you were kissing him senseless, he moved his hands to the back of your thighs gently pulling them apart so that you had one knee on either side of him. He then put his hands on your hips and began guiding you up and down over his shaft.

You were so lost in his kisses that you didn't realize the position Jason had you in. Suddenly, it wasn't just the sensation of his warm mouth that was driving you mad. Even with his boxers still on, you could feel every bit of his hardened cock. Your instincts immediately took over and it was no longer necessary for Jason to guide your hips up and down. you remained locked in that kiss, your arms positioned over his shoulders as he leveraged your body up and down over his. Jason was more than willing to let you use his body to pleasure yourself. He himself was lost in the kiss while his hands had free range over your smooth, perfect skin. When your body began to speed up over him, he knew you were close and he put those skilled hands to work. He, not so gently, grabbed your ass and began thrusting his hips in tandem with yours. You sat up, exposing your upper torso to jason’s hungry eyes. You hated to break the kiss, but your body was desperate for a release and you needed to focus all your energy and attention to what your lower half was doing. You closed your eyes and threw your head back while continuing to rub against jason. He took that opportunity to latch his mouth onto your left breast while fondling your right breast with his hand all the while continuing to grind against you. It was all the added stimulation you needed and within seconds, your body was convulsing with euphoric energy. It took all of his self control not to come with you especially since you called out his name over and over as you rode out your orgasm in his arms.

Exhausted, you collapsed against him, completely blissed out. He kissed your head and laid you gently on the mattress. He could still feel your body pulsating and before you had the chance to catch your breath, he began stimulating you again. He moved off the bed and, being sure not to break eye contact, he pushed his boxers down exposing his still very erect cock. You grinned at the sight of his beautiful, strong, body while still trying to gain control of your breathing. Seeing Jason naked and obviously turned on was not helping matters. Nor did it help when he moved his body over yours. With his arms extended on either side of you, Jason hovered over you, your bodies would not have been touching at all save for the fact that the tip of his very hard and very eager cock was pushing against your lower stomach. You licked your lips drawing jason’s attention to your mouth before reaching down to stroke him. Jason let out a grateful moan before letting his body fall gently on yours, naked flesh against naked flesh. The kiss was heated from the beginning as you both reveled in the feeling the other completely naked.

Although loving the feeling of your hand on his cock, he reluctantly pried your fingers off him. He needed to slow things down a bit or he would never last until he was inside you. In your eagerness to give him some pleasure of your own, you attempted to grasp him again but he slyly moved away. Kneeling between your legs, Jason took a moment to appreciate the view of your naked body. He flashed you a smirk before pushing a finger into your wet folds. Your eyes rolled back and you let out a breathy moan. You began to move against his hand and he watched in awe as your body writhed in pleasure. He expertly moved his fingers inside you, circling your clit with his thumb. Not being able to resist, he dipped his head down to taste you as you lay gripping the sheets and calling out his name between moans of pleasure. It wasn't long before you were nearing your peak once again, at which point Jason redoubled his efforts employing the use of his fingers and his very talented tongue. Your body shook with the effects of your second orgasm of the night. Jason, once again, stopped to enjoy the view. Seconds after your body stopped shaking, Jason was leaning over to the nightstand to retrieve a condom.

You watched in wonder as he opened the package and placed the condom over the tip of his throbbing cock. Jason paused and your eyes met for a moment. He then took your hand in his and kissed it lovingly before bringing it down to his other hand, the one holding the condom over his cock. He wanted to let you know that it was still your decision—that they could stop now if you wanted to. You didn't. You eased your hand down and covered him with the latex. Much to Jason's pleasure, you slid your hand over him a few more times than necessary to ensure the condom was in place.

Jason gently moved your hands off him and hovered over you once more. He kissed you softly before positioning the head of his cock at your entrance. He teased the wetness of your folds causing you to instinctively spread your legs further apart and pulling him closer. You tried to look down between them, but with a knowing hand, Jason tilted your head back so you were facing him.

"Look at me, Baby. Keep your eyes on me," was his gentle command.

You nodded. "Ok," you answered obediently.

Jason distracted you with a slow, languid kiss before he gently pushed the head of his cock into you. You moaned in pleasure and expressed her gratitude by responding more vigorously to Jason's kisses. After a few seconds, Logan pulled out and thrust in more deeply. You gave a surprised whimper and Jason could felt your body immediately tense.

"Sshhh, it's ok," he comforted. "I'm right here. Relax."

You tried to do just that. He unclenched your muscles and moved your legs further apart. "I'm ok," you assured him.

Jason kissed her lips and stroked your face He pulled back and spent a few seconds rubbing himself over your folds. you momentarily forgot about any discomfort and reveled in the pleasant sensations he was eliciting. You knew he was holding back for you and while you appreciated it, you wanted to know the feeling of having him completely inside of you.

"It's ok, Jason. I'm ready," you whispered.

Jason once again pushed into you. He moved slowly careful not to cause you any more discomfort than necessary. He based his actions on your reaction to him. Whenever he felt your muscles begin to relax, he push in a little deeper. He knew he was near the barrier and his body was fighting a losing battle. He needed to be inside you. With one more loving kiss and one last reassuring look, he thrust completely into her. He looked into your eyes and you heard him whispering sweet nothings.

"It's ok, baby. Look at me. I'm right here." He grunted as he continued to move inside of you. "You're so beautiful,". You're so amazing," he whispered between thrusts.

His sweet whispers made your heart swell with emotion and you began to move with him. Feeling her respond to him was all Jason needed. His thrusts became less slow and less gentle and your dull ache turned into an pleasurable one. You hooked your right leg over his back allowing Jason to plow deeper into you which succeeded in pushing Jason past his breaking point. You wrapped her arms around his neck and in breathy whispers, encouraged him to let his body have what it so desperately wanted.

"I've wanted this for so long, Jason" you confided. "Just let go, baby. I'm not going to be far behind you."

With that, Jason's body completely took over. He pumped wildly into your willing body. He moaned out your name at the feeling of you clenching around him, feeling your third orgasm of the night build up around him. He tried to be careful when collapsing on top of you. You could feel the violent beating of his heart as he lay motionless on top of you. After a few seconds, Jason rolled you on your sides so he wasn't crushing you with his weight. He looked into your eyes and could manage nothing but a euphoric smile. There were no words to express what he felt at that moment, you happily laid there staring at each other until their breathing returned to a normal pace. Jason then kissed you softly. He wanted to say something beautiful and meaningful, something you'd always remember.

"Hi," was all he could come up with.

"Hi, Jason" you responded with an equally euphoric smile on your face.

He brushed your hair off your face and placed a kiss on the tip of your nose before reluctantly getting out of bed to dispose of the condom. He peaked his head back in, "Be right back." Before you can even comprehend what he means, you hear him making all sorts of noise in what sounds like the kitchen. What on earth? He retuns with bottled waters, a Snickers bar, and a bag of peanut M&Ms. He then grabs bag of chocolate covered espresso beans he'd brought you earlier that night and deposited everything on the nightstand.

"Wow. That's quite the spread you got there."

Jason climbed into bed and immediately pulled you into his arms.

"Well, I figured I couldn't go wrong with chocolate" answered Jason

"You figured correctly." You say snuggling into his side.

"Ok,. M&Ms or espresso beans?"

"Or? Don't you mean And?" you said playfully.

Jason laughed. "Of course." The two of you sat up in bed laughing and talking about nothing in particular as Jason fed you the M&Ms and espresso beans. After some nagging from you about his early morning start you both finally settled in to get some sleep.

"You ok?" asked Jason as you laid your head on his bare chest.

"I'm perfect," you answered yawning. It had been a very long day.

Jason kissed your head and engulfed you in his arms. The night hadn't turned out exactly how he planned— but he was falling asleep with you in his arms and it was the most perfect moment of his life.

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A steady beeping wakes you. You mutter into the pillow. “Uugggh. Oh hell, not again…”

“That’s not the smoke detectors, That’s my alarm.” Jason's reply is muffled because he is talking into the side of his arm. You laugh and wriggle your body further into his. Best. Trip. Abroad. Ever. Traveling around with the cast during the filming of All Your Monsters was great but this is something completely different. Maybe it is just the company you’re keeping.

You’re remarkably well rested considering all the interruptions to your sleep schedule. You can feel Jason roll in the bed just before he wraps his arm over your midsection. His breath on your neck gives you goose bumps. “I should get up for work.”

You are enjoying the warmth of his body pressed against yours but the unrelenting noise of the alarm prevents you from falling back asleep. “Did you get any sleep?”

“Enough.” He takes a deep breath. “Ok. I’m getting up now. Getting up to go to work.”

“And to turn off that alarm?” You wait but he doesn’t move. “Would it help if I got up too?” You let the question hang and are met with silence. You sit up and his arm falls down into your lap. You prod him, “Well?”

“I’m thinking….” He is smiling and keeping his eyes closed as though that will forestall the day. “Debatable.”

You scoot from his grasp to get out of bed. After plucking a shirt and some underwear from your bag you peek back over at the bed. Jason has shifted only slightly but you’re happy to see that he at least has his eyes open now.

“Right. So are you going to get up to turn off that alarm or am I going to have to accidentally make a phone call at an ungodly hour in the morning?” You’d much rather jump back into bed with him but you know that is impractical. Rather than tempt yourself by watching him get out of bed you make your way into his room to search out and silence his alarm. You call out to him moments before sighting the phone laying where he had apparently tossed it onto the haphazardly arranged sheets on his bed. “Where is your phone? Oh…”

Jason finds you examining the lock screen of his phone – a beautiful shot of a London sunrise. He tosses his shirt and sweatpants into his laundry bin before reaching around you to slide his finger over the screen and pressing the sequence to unlock his phone and then silence the alarm. The picture that you are now greeted with is of you - one that he captured from one of the first few days you spent with him in LA. He kisses your temple before smiling down at the picture. “Maybe we can update that this week.”

You carefully place his phone on the side table before turning to swat him towards the bathroom. “Maybe. Now go shower – I’ll make you some coffee? Tea? If you have time - maybe some sort of breakfast depending on what you have in the kitchen…”

He pauses just before entering the bathroom to look back at you, surveying your attire head to foot. “If you’ll be making breakfast dressed like that I may need to supervise.”

Right. You’re still in a shirt and underwear. Funny how he makes you forget such things. You shake your head at him. “Jason. Shower. Supervise tomorrow if you feel so inclined.”

Jason takes a few steps into the bathroom, doing a slight shuffle when his bare feet hit the apparently cold tile floor. "Wouldn’t you like to join me?“

Yes. But no. That would be counterproductive. If you stand there too much longer you’ll lose your willpower to stay out of the shower. Maybe if you put on pants, or he puts on more clothes, or both… Or if he would stop almost-dancing about the bathroom. You shake your head. "I’ll shower after you leave. Is that a yes or no to caffeine? Breakfast?” You don’t wait for his reply, turning to head to the kitchen.

Jason's voice echoes to you from the bathroom just before you hear the water for the shower being turned on. “They’ll have something there, probably. But – yes to coffee. Yes. Please!”

The coffee machine appears to require special packets in order to make coffee. While searching the cabinets you stumble upon a French press and a bag of pre-ground coffee, opting for the simpler method rather than continuing the quest for the packets. While the water heats in the kettle on the stove you retrieve your phone from the guest bedroom, straightening the bed sheets and picking up your discarded clothing. You start back to the kitchen and then do a u-turn while muttering to yourself. “Pants. Pants would be good.”

tag list: @my-soupy-brain @tegan8314 @tortilla-maria1 @nerdgirljen @cavillsim @superloveeverything

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chicgeekgirl89 · 5 months

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Chapter 4 is up!

Tagging: @lemonlyman-dotcom and @kiwichaeng

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[6:22pm] Why do smoke detector batteries only die in the middle of the night?

T.K. is chowing down on some of Paul’s chili when his phone buzzes in his pocket. His dad is regaling the table with another of his New York exploits, this one about a rather scandalous call at a night club. T.K. had been off that night, but he’s heard the story so many times he could probably tell it word for word.

“An unbelievable amount of glitter,” his dad says as T.K. slips his phone out. As soon as he sees the text he smiles.

T.K.

[6:23pm] Are you speaking from personal experience?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[6:24pm] Yes. Two o’clock in the morning last night. Even though I change them every six months. Took me fifteen minutes to figure out which one. So tell me firefighter, why?

T.K.

[6:25pm] Bad news. Smoke detectors are sons of bitches. They’re like Santa. They see you when you’re sleeping. They know when you’re awake. And they choose to use that information for evil.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[6:26pm] That seems like a major design flaw for a life saving device.

“Why are you smiling at your crotch?” Marjan asks from across the table.

T.K. slides his phone back into his pocket. “No reason.”

“Nobody smiles at their crotch for no reason,” Judd says, wiping at his mouth with a napkin. “You talking to a guy?”

“I wasn’t talking to anybody,” T.K. says, scooping up another spoonful of chili. It’s true. He was texting. Not talking. He’s a professional at telling the truth without actually telling it.

“I bet it’s that guy from the other night,” Paul says, a smirk on his face.

“Ooh, the hot guy with the six pack?” Mateo asks.

“Son, if you are engaged in sexting I’m going to ask you not to do it at the dinner table,” Owen says, clearly flirting with the line of dad mode and captain mode.

“I’m not sexting,” T.K. says with a roll of his eyes.

“But it is the guy from the other night?” Paul says. “Come on. You can tell us.”

“Is this what it’s like to have siblings?” T.K. asks. “Kind of glad you and Mom never got around to having more kids, Dad.”

“You’re welcome?” his dad says in a slightly bemused voice.

“Listen if you’re gonna text during dinner you’re gonna owe us some answers,” Judd says. “Least you can do for not paying attention.”

“Fine!” T.K. says. “Yes. It is the guy from the other night. His name is Carlos and he’s APD. Happy?”

“Carlos what?” Marjan asks.

T.K. stares at her. “What do you mean Carlos what?”

“What’s his last name?” she says. When he doesn’t answer she sets down her spoon. “You do know his last name, right?”

“I—“

“Are you sure he’s real?” Mateo asks, adding more cheese to his chili. “Could be a catfish situation.”

“Catfish?” Owen asks, looking confused. “You think T.K. is talking to a fish that lives in muddy water?”

Judd shakes his head. “I’ll explain it later Cap.”

“I am not being catfished,” T.K. says. “He’s a real guy. A nice guy,” he adds.

“Ooooh you’re smitten,” Paul says with a grin.

“I am not smitten!” T.K. cries.

He does not share the part where he poured his heart out the other night through texts to Carlos. Apparently his New York sob story needed to be released and a somewhat faceless, hot ass phone man seemed like an appropriate person to do it with. He’s not sure if his therapist will be thrilled or horrified.

“Just be careful what you send him,” Marjan cautions. “The internet is forever.”

“Thanks Mom,” he shoots back.

“Marjan is right,” his dad says. “I am all for you sowing your oats or Netflix and chilling or whatever you kids are calling it these days. But you should be careful.”

“One time,” Mateo says around a mouthful, “my cousin thought he was going to some girl’s place, but when he got there, it was actually a dude named Knife. He stole my cousin’s wallet and his cell phone.”

“You know sometimes I really worry about you probie,” Paul says, eyes full of genuine concern.

Mateo’s story takes the heat off of T.K. and the team spends the rest of dinner ragging on him instead.

But T.K. is still thinking about Marjan’s words hours later when he’s laying in his bunk staring at the ceiling. Everyone else is asleep; he can hear Judd’s chainsaw snores, Mateo’s sleep mumbles, and Paul’s deep breathing. Crazy how quickly those sounds have become familiar to him.

He rolls over and grabs his phone off the nightstand, turning down the brightness so it doesn’t wake anyone else up. He gnaws at his lip for a second before sending another text off to Carlos.

T.K.

[10:41pm] You’re real, right?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:43pm] As opposed to…?

T.K.

[10:44pm] This isn’t a Catfish situation? You’re not really a woman living in Boise who’s going to steal my credit card information?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:45pm] You got me. You’re my third mark this year. What gave it away?

T.K. snorts then looks around quickly to make sure he hasn’t woken anyone up. His fingers fly as he types back.

T.K.

[10:46pm] Prove it.

Office Hottie- Carlos

[10:47pm] Prove what? That I’m real? How?

T.K.

[10:47pm] Idk. Send a picture of you holding a fork.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:47pm] …a fork?

T.K.

[10:48pm] Four tines? Used for food? Popular with mermaids?

There’s no response and T.K. sets the phone down on his chest. He’s stupid. This is stupid. What kind of stupid person asks someone who’s basically a stranger to send a picture of themselves with a fork at this time of night?

T.K. winces. Weirdest booty call ever.

His phone vibrates and when he lifts it up he has to clap a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter.

Carlos has sent a selfie of him holding a fork. His eyes are squinty, like he’s barely awake, and there’s a hint of scruff on his face. His hair is all mussed and he looks so adorable that T.K. feels a very strong urge to kiss him.

He’s also shirtless. Which makes T.K. feel a very strong urge to put his mouth other places.

T.K.

[10:55pm] Do you ever wear a shirt?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:55pm] I was in bed. This is how I sleep. And you’re welcome that I got up to prove my legitimacy to you.

T.K.

[10:55pm] Thanks. Do you want me to prove mine?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:56pm] No need.

T.K.

[10:57pm] No need? What does that mean?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:57pm] I know you’re real.

T.K. thinks for a minute and then his mouth falls open.

T.K.

[10:58pm] Did you background check me officer?!

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:58pm] …I plead the fifth….

T.K.

[10:59pm] You did!

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:00pm] Okay fine, I did. I wanted to know more about you.

Warmth blooms in his chest, but then is immediately doused like a bucket of cold water has been thrown on it. If Carlos ran a background check…

T.K.

[11:01pm] So…you know about the shooting then?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:01pm] Yeah. And the incident at the bar.

Shit. He’d really rather Carlos not know about the bar. He wishes nobody knew about the bar. Having his dad pick him up from jail had been a low point in their first few months in Austin. It had taken weeks for his split lip to heal. At least he hadn’t been charged. He hadn’t realized there was still a record of some kind though.

T.K.

[11:02pm] Great. So you’ve seen the highlight reel of all my finest Austin moments.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:02pm] I actually already knew about the shooting. It was kind of big news. I just didn’t realize it was you.

T.K.

[11:03pm] Yep. That’s me. Remembered for my near death experience and getting my ass kicked.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:03pm] I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have looked.

T.K.

[11:03pm] It’s okay. Like you said, you already knew about the shooting. And it’s my fault the bar thing is on record anyway. It was really stupid.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:03pm] Everybody makes mistakes T.K.

T.K.

[11:04pm] Well I already spilled my guts to you about New York. So you know I’ve made more than a few.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:04pm] So have I. You just don’t know them yet.

Why does that small bit of empathetic understanding make his heart ache? His therapist would probably say something about how he always feels like he’s too much for people to handle and Carlos choosing kindness instead of running away at the first signs of T.K.’s baggage.

T.K.

[11:05pm] Do you think it’s weird that we never met before the other day? Since we’re both first responders?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:05pm] Not really. Austin’s a big city.

T.K. rotates his phone in his hand a few times, getting his nerve up.

T.K.

[11:06pm] Would you want to hang out? Sometime?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:09pm] Like a date?

The alarm blares and T.K. immediately shoots upward, pulling on his boots and turnout pants as everyone else does the same. The fire is a big one and they don’t get back to the station until four am. By then it’s way too late to text Carlos back and honestly, he’s too exhausted to even form words. He drops into his bunk and falls immediately asleep.

#911 Lone Star #Tarlos #911lsfic #Tarlos Fic #Thirst Trap Thursday

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literarynerd · 9 months

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The most ridiculous thing happened to me last night. I was sitting watching a passable Christmas romcom when suddenly the fire alarms started going off. I live in a town house, and I have two that are linked and they talk, because they also do carbon monoxide detection.

So it started saying “FIRE FEU” [bilingual due to being Canadian] while the alarm was going off. So my mom and I jump up and run around to see where the fire is and we can’t find anything, we also can’t smell anything, and it eventually stopped. But then it goes off again and we wonder if the backup batteries are dying and that is why it’s going off. So I frantically change the batteries while my eardrums are being tortured with shrieking and “FIRE FEU”. And they stop going off and I think that it solved the problem. But then the alarm upstairs starts saying “BATTERY BATTERY BATTERY” and I have put that one in backwards. So I fix it.

Then it dawns on me that if it was the battery issue it would have been yelling “BATTERY BATTERY BATTERY” at me. And it starts going off again, this time I try just pressing the test button and the only difference is that it starts screaming “CARBON MONOXIDE CARBON MONOXIDE” and then I’m again freaking out because you can’t smell carbon monoxide. So we open some doors.

Then I decide to try looking outside to see if my neighbours have a fire and somehow our alarm is noticing it before we are, and there is nothing but the alarm has also stopped.

So I look up “fire alarm going off for no reason” and I find out that they can get dusty so I decide to vacuum them, while still attached to the ceiling, and every time I try something new I have to lug the ladder up and down the stairs, just to paint an accurate picture.

The alarm seems to have stopped and it is quiet for about twenty minutes, and I have been lulled into a false sense of security. It goes off again and I am just about at the end of my rope, and I find an article suggesting using canned air, like the kind you use to clean a keyboard. And thankfully we do have some.

So I get back on the damn ladder and spray the shit out both alarms and I notice that one has a solid green light but one has an intermittently blinking green light. More internet searching tells me that means that is the alarm that is detecting the mystery smoke. And I need to reset it, which sets the alarm off again to do the test. My eardrums are crying, I am pissed, but I think I solved the problem.

I go back downstairs, have another twenty minutes of peace and then “FIRE FEU FIRE FEU” and I am furiously swearing at the smoke detector, I drag the ladder back upstairs, I remove it from the ceiling and unplug the main power line. I am going to get the dust out of the smoke detector or I am going to burn the house down, if it wants smoke, it will get smoke.

I take the can of air, my mom is standing in solidarity with me and the can, and I spray it from every angle possible. And then. With the last puff, out pops a very small white spider, we all gasp (probably including the spider, who’s reign of terror is as about to end) and he falls on the floor, and is immediately crushed by a Birkenstock sandal.

And the ordeal is not over because getting that fucking alarm back on the ceiling took me seventeen tries, but no more “FIRE” no more “FEU”, no more “CARBON MONOXIDE” and no more fire alarm.

So if your fire alarm even goes off for seemingly no reason, it could be that the spirit of Puck has possessed a small spider and he is trying to build a web right in front of the smoke sensor.

#delinquent spiders #spirit of puck #fire alarm #I have never wanted to punch a fire alarm and/or spider more #fire #mildly infuriating #or just plain old infuriating

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omegasmileyface · 7 months

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he thinks being old makes him a genius and when he was young he thought being young made him a genius. he thinks hes the only person on earth with critical thinking skills, and whenever he comes up with a new theory he hasnt heard before, he assumes the reason he hasnt heard it is because no one else was creatove enough to think of it. it couldnt POSSIBLY be that experts have thought of it and disproven it— hes the first person to think of it, and since it makes sense and has potential, that means it MUST be true. and if HE discovered a truth before the experts did, that means theyre unqualified to be experts, and he's the only person whose ideas matter. did you know it was me who started feeding the birds? because corvids are my favorite. so i researched for weeks, and started investing in unsalted peanuts so i could throw them out on a regular basis. and when i would go off to school, he would "feed the birds for me". mom and i both told him to stop, because he wasnt making my hobby easier, he was taking it from me. this was now something i didnt get to do, because feeding the birds more often is bad for them and makes them dependent. "no, theyre birds, they wont get dependent," he would say, with the tone of someone letting a toddler know that of course the sun will still rise even if you dont go to sleep. and he kept feeding the birds. and when he cant find the exact brand of peanuts id been buying, he just goes for whatever other peanuts he can find— he doesnt care if theyre unsalted. because he never did that research. and now he feeds them every day and he loves the crows and he hates the ravens and the magpies and the bluejays, all some of my favorite animals, because theyre "greedy". he acts like he can tell the individuals apart (he cant) and he gives them names and watches their drama and gives me updates on "my" birds like i didnt stop feeding them years ago. i HAD to stop because he didnt, because he didnt listen. he NEVER listens. and when he thinks the bread is too old? not when its moldy, when he decided it's "too old" like he knows, like he buys the groceries, like he notices when new groceries need to be bought, like when he shops he gets what we asked for and not something vaguely, vaguely related but the wrong kind and four times the price? he gives it to the birds. he gives pieces of factory-made wheat bread to crows like a child feeding ducks without reading the sign. and ive told him its bad for them, the same way salted peanuts are, the same way overdependence is, the same way mowing is bad for the local ecosystem, the same way keeping his phone plugged in is bad for its battery, the same way ignoring research is bad for science. but he doesnt care, because its not, because if bread was bad for the my his crows that would mean he was wrong. and hes always right! hes right when hes a husband leaving his dishes in the wrong place every single day, when hes an experienced cook leaving the pot handle poking directly out into the room, when hes a weatherman saying climate change isnt real, when hes a proudly observant man breaking the smoke detector when he installs it, when hes an experienced trucker going 20 mph over the speed limit, when hes a compassionate and wise man saying russians are genetically predisposed to lying, when hes a genius saying the etymology of "meme" is "e-memo", and when hes a father telling his child whose real gender he doesnt even know that fear is a choice. daddy knows best.

#he doesnt even know where we keep the pasta. i wouldnt trust him with sentence let alone a child.#sorry. i am the angriest thing on earth and i cannot show it inside my house for some reason. so it builds up.

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pastafossa · 1 year

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pasta listen,

at least the goddam fucking fire alarm isn't going off at 1:30 in the middle of the night because someone burned cookies.

**cookies**

they BURNED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES LIKE HOW THAT'S SO HARD TO DO (it's like a golden rule ya know? no longer than 12-15 mins and even then it starts to get brown and then to really really charcoal black burn them you have to cook for twenty minutes) and the entire dorm had to go outside and stand for like twenty minutes until the cops came

every room in the dorm has one so here i am, getting ready for bed bc im tired of studying and the alarm goes off, my ears are ringing and the second i step out into the hallway im quite literally in pain

also try a plug-in fan and aim it at the smoke detector- that helps back home lollll

I'm not sure what would drive me up a wall more - the noise, the why of the noise, having to leave my warm cozy den after studying, or the FOOD CRIME OF BURNING THE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WATCH THEM UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN (or VERY lightly crispy in my case, I like the soft squishy ones).

also as someone with sensory issues i feel you on the noise

Fortunately, my detector just needs new batteries! BUT I'm going to remember the fan thing, cause damn I still burn shit occasionally

. 😂

#i love roast corn but i cannot successfully pan roast corn to save my gd life #FAN TIME #also cookies are easy how did he burn them #you just STAND THERE #you WATCH THE COOKIES #choco chip cookies are the only cookies i can bake without a timer #i can just stand there and watch them #and wait for my cookies #mostly cause i like them soft and squishy and only technically cooked #i'd be so mad about the alarm if someone burned cookies and set it off i do not like LOUD NOISES #especially HIGH PITCHED ONES #AND THEN TO GO OUTSIDE #NO #SIR #you get COAL FOR CHRISTMAS #COOKIE JAIL FOR THE FAILED BAKER #COOKIE JAIL FOR TEN THOUSAND YEARS

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zevveli · 1 year

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So when I moved into my Apartment earlier this year, the Smoke Detector and CO monitors needed to be replaced. I notified my landlord and he came out and replaced them with a new, wired unit. Last weekend it started giving me the low battery chirp, which was weird because it has been less than 3 months since I got the thing reinstalled. I go to replace the battery and it turns out the wire-nuts had fallen off and the detector wasn't even connected. So I contact my landlord, he sends out his electrician. He takes one look at the wires and goes "He didn't even strip the wires to try and connect this." I tell him how the landlord installed it, and while watching him I even considered suggesting having his electrician come to install it. Guy goes "Yeah...I love [Landlord] dearly, but he tends to do things like that. Like this detector should really be in that alcove over there and not right over the top of the stairs where I have to lean over to reach it." And I'm thinking "It probably also shouldn't be directly above the air-intake for the CHAC system." So I mention that this apartment feels like it was originally an access patio for the rest of the building (three unit house) that just got converted to an apartment. The electrician confirms that, yeah, that's probably what happened.

I then say "Yeah, I knew within the first month that this place wasn't worth the $995 a month I'm paying for it." He stops.

"WHAT! How much are you paying?"

"$995."

"Jesus Christ! I was looking at a 2 bedroom house on 1.5 acres earlier this week and they were only charging $750! You're getting robbed!"

"Yeah, I know. But this place is on the intersection of 2 arterial roads, less than 10 minutes from both downtown AND the industrial district. Plus I was moving in from out-of-state for a job with no rental history. So I was kind of over a barrel."

Electrician agreed that, yeah, all things considered it made sense, but I was still getting robbed.

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wetbloodworm · 1 year

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re: the last post about somaphors mimicking sounds to attract humans, some things i've thought of plus things brought up in discussion with ez. basically other sounds they can make aside from basic human/baby cries that could get people to come to them b/c this is interesting to me. cool horror trope, a+

(as an aside, somaphors are primarily scavengers, grabbing souls as they disconnect from their bodies in death, so they don't usually NEED to hunt or trick humans, but that can depend on the availability of food. not enough people dying in the area to support the local somaphor population? they'll either have to leave or start looking at live prey instead. also some individuals might just prefer hunting over scavenging. either way, having the skill to trick live humans is a handy one for them to have, as backup or otherwise. so i have an excuse to think about these things.)

(there's so much more to this verse than this species of monster but LISTEN! i love monsters and worldbuilding so i get a bit stuck on this part! i'm valid!!)

anyway, other sounds

the classic kid hearing their parent calling their name from one direction then again more panicked from another direction

phone sounds! text notifications, ring tones, amber alerts. the distant sound of someone on the other line saying HELLO?? like a call accidentally went through. do you know the raw panic i'd feel thinking i somehow called soneone, you can bet i'd drop everything to look for my phone

vice versa, parent hearing their kid calling for them instead. kid calling across the hall for a glass of water, parent starts going to the kitchen but glances into the bedroom as they pass and see the kid's fast asleep

personally the mimicking a child thing is spookier to me because the visual of a little baby sound coming from this big monster with Ill Intent is very good actually?

smoke detector needing new batteries. this one is fun to me because even in a smaller apartment i have trouble immediately knowing which detector needs changing so you could really get someone confused and looking around for that beepy motherfucker

the beep of the dryer when it's done. come get ur clothes

OH a tea kettle whistling!

i'd imagine this could also be used to drive people AWAY from an area, either to herd them to a specific spot or to keep them away from an area. gunshots, dogs barking/snarling, etc.

THIS IS A LOT OF SIMILAR THINGS but listen i just think it's cool! totally mundane sounds you might not think anything of being used against you! hearing someone speak and the slow realization that it's something else calling for you! i LOVE that shit!

#somaverse tag #(somaverse was previously named dreamverse)

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damnea · 2 years

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Seymour Smoke gets a job at knapford station.

The Fat Controller wasn't happy.

These last couple of weeks had been fraught with difficulty and now he had to contend with the local safety inspector intruding into his office.

With his book in hand and a click of his pen, the inspector set about making notes.

"The stations fire exits aren't marked clearly, the fire drills are in shambles, and the fire extinguishers are upside down and expired."

He then stepped up onto an office chair and pulled down a shoddily taped up smoke sniffer.

"This device doesn't even have any bloody batteries in it!"

The Fat Controller went red in the face, he was sure they were there this morning...

"This doesn't happen often, I can assure you. The safety inspector wasn't so convinced.

"It's not like the thing works anyway, even with batteries-"

The inspector sharply raised an eyebrow at this.

"I beg your pardon?"

He clicked his pen and wrote "regular safety flouter" down in his book.

"And where are the batteries...?" He asked in a stern tone.

With a little "peep-peep" the answer soon presented itself.

A tiny toy train appeared from behind the office desk. The tiny Thomas chuffed happily passed their feet, letting of a cheeky whoosh of steam as it went.

It was full of life and running cheerfully along it's little plastic track, no doubt thanks to it's new batteries

"Peep peep, thanks for all the juice!"

A note was quickly made, and with that the little engine puffed away on another jaunty adventure around it's benefactor's desk.

"I highly recommend you get your act together here, and you can start by dealing with that little trip hazard."

And without another word, the inspector left in a huff.

The warning was clear as day and so the Fat Controller quickly set about righting all the issues.

And he started with the smoke detector.

After all, he did like new gadgets.

--- One Amazon delivery later ---

The next day, the Fat Controller was busy filling in some neglected forms when a grumbly voice came croaking from the ceiling.

"Excuseeee me." Mumbled a sickly voice.

The Fat Controller sighed "What is it now Seymour?"

"Would you be so kind as to close that door? Those old fire hazards on wheels are taking years off my warranty..." His coughing grew louder upon Gordon's arrival.

"I have a better suggestion," came a familiar grumpy tone.

"Why don't we get rid of that whiny little wheeze box and get a proper smoke detector. You know, one that doesn't come with complaining?" The irony was lost on the big engine, he started poop-pooping crossly at the little device.

Poor Seymour was trying his best.

He'd only been up about three hours, but it felt longer.

In his first twenty minutes out of the packaging, he must have screamed at least a half a dozen times.

---

"EEEEEEEEEEEE, FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!" Screamed poor Seymour.

"Thomas! Move away from the office door for Pete's sake, your fire is upsetting him!" The Fat Controller scolded.

"But sir I need it to live!"

"I'm trying to get my work done and I can't with him screaming!"

---

Most of the complaints were false alarms of course.

One was for the toaster, two for the smoke breaks, and the rest for every moment the little toy train passed by blowing steam.

It wasn't real smoke, but Seymour didn't care. He was just doing his job.

Gordon was fed up, "Just get rid of him already!"

"I can't... we need to have a smoke detector..." The Fat Controller had long given up working and now just sat angrily at his desk, watching Gordon and Seymour argue.

"Bloody nuisance." The big engine snapped.

"Big windbag." Snarked the sniffer.

And with that last offending remark, the Fat Controller quickly whipped the window blinds down.

Gordon wasn't having that though, and purposefully directed a violent sneeze through the office doorway.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FIRE!" Seymour screamed.

He took his job very seriously and would occasionally have his own daring feats of heroism, but those were few and far between.

He did save a dozing Fat Controller from his own Easy-press waffle maker once, but that was about it.

With a wave of his blackened waffles, the Fat Controller lamented his poor purchases this year.

"Should have sprang for the air frier."

One too many vengeful engine sneezes eventually had Seymour forcefully relocated to a locker room.

#incorrect ttte #my british butt has missed out on quality ads #thankyou for introducing me to seymour smokes #he can hold his own on the NWR

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bleachbleachbleach · 2 years

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writing accountability post 10/25-10/30

I am!! exhausted!! untenably tired!! I want a day off! Or an evening! But I already got October 9, 14, and 15 off, so that ship has sailed. (November 19, though!! That’s soon, right?) Anyway, last week I got a work newsletter with the theme “pay yourself first,” which I took to mean “write ur fanfic first,” even though they definitely meant “do research first sometimes instead of other work.” And then all week instead of doing either of those things I just other-worked. 🤷 So I thought NEXT WEEK, and then today, Monday, I was like “lmao I paid myself first by being on Tumblr this weekend and now I have a bunch of shit that needs to happen before 9am” so I woke up at 6 and worked instead, under the pretense surely I’d hit a half-decent point at some point and then I could “pay myself first” on Monday evening. But then I just worked instead again (and still have not actual hit that half-decent point, but I’ve offered lots of support to people in crisis while pretending not to be in crisis lmaoo).

On the other hand, over the last few days I did finally take time to make food, buy groceries, go to the laundromat, apply for a new license and registration, fail a vehicle inspection, do the dishes, snake the bathroom drain, vacuum, go through all the bills/healthcare mail crap, and collapse some boxes, which is all very sexy and surely counts for something, because all of those had not happened in some time or were supposed to happen a long time ago, in the case of the license/registration thing. Oh and I got a flu shot! And bought a drain snake.

And I did write a scene, it’s just like, one and a half sentences because while I was imagining it in the shower the temperature differential between the water and the cold air was Too Much and the steam set off the smoke detector, so then instead of writing fanfic in my head while I rinsed conditioner out of my hair I got to nakedly fwap a towel at a screaming smoke detector with conditioner still in my hair, only to fail, and be too short to yank the batteries out even standing on a chair, so really that experience was all great, very nice and not weirdly petty of the universe. In any case, Renji has Opinions about how the 11th Division work schedule works and HE WOULD HAVE HAD MORE if I’d gotten to shower in peace!

Anyway, since this “Pay Yourself First” thing is clearly going very well, I am posting this for accountability! I want to:

Pay Myself First in a way that newsletter certainly did not intend and spend ~20min writing my fanfic in the mornings! Every day this week!!! gdi!!

Do something other than parachuting onto Tumblr every 1.5 weeks to marathon my special Bleach-only dash (lol), because doing that is so incredibly stupid; I want my Tumblr posts fresh out of the oven and toasty fresh and that should not be too much to ask.

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mr-seamonster · 2 months

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This is an incoherent ramble of a mess be forewarned (there is pretty much no punctuation)

Wow I sure do love the smoke alarm in the place my friend @oldsoulsoupbrain is moving into having the dead battery beeps so I change the battery on Sunday but it keeps beeping so I push the button to try and silence it which ends up triggering it to actually go off every like 2-5 minutes if not more often and the super was contacted on Sunday and she said she was at her sister's having dinner and she'd look at it on Monday and then wasn't responding to texts on Monday but responds to an update text a couple hours later saying she was at an appointment so she probably didn't actually go in and then tell us later Monday that she has to contact head office to get approval to do stuff so that means they won't respond by at least late morning Tuesday and noon Tuesday we were told that we need to put in a formal maintenance request so who knows how long it'll take for them to respond and address the issue so my friend sent in the request but isn't able to attach a video of the alarm going off because max file size is 5MG so they texted the video to the super

Oh and my friend needs to be fully moved in Wednesday (tomorrow) but we don't want to spend too much time at the new place because of how loud and annoying the alarm is so we've been dropping off items and more or less immediately leaving

So we've been able to go back to their old place to escape the noise but all the other residents who actually live there have been stuck with a fire alarm going off probably 24/7 for 3 days now

And the fire alarm is wired into the building so they'll probably be like "oh only an electrician can do wiring" which would take even longer to get one in

We can hear people from other apartments getting more and more agitated and arguing about the alarm and general stuff because this is basically sound torture at this point so tensions are so high strung now

Oh and today I'm driving back home (400km, ~4-5 hours depending on traffic) today and was asked to be back by dinner time but there's still items that need to be moved while a car is here and I'm not gonna leave my friend high and dry so I'm clearly not going to be home by that time

Update: it's 12:47 and we just got a text saying that the request went through and Dan is going into the apartment to change the smoke detector (Dan the handyman?????😂)

So that's great because tbh we were figuring it was going to take days to get any sort of response

We've been texting/calling my mum because we are but children 👉👈 and she went and texted her cousins (who live in the same city my friend does) to see if they could help

#we're going insane #it's been torture #we feel so bad for everyone there #literally nothing is fixing it #we tried everything #fire alarm #smoke alarm #smoke detector

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medicinemane · 6 months

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Well my mom's dumb ass smoked things up so bad while cooking that all the fucking fire detectors in the house went off... all 6 of them (there'd be more but they're currently disconnected cause they need new batteries... and clearly it's not a huge deal)

I'm fucking deafened

Like yeah, glad to know they work, but also having dealt with that... I'm kind of left thinking that like... on one hand it's great they're that loud cause you're not gonna sleep through them

On the other hand, I'm just thinking of being in an actual fire and not being able to think because there's these ear piercing sirens going off that are disorienting me and making the cats panic (which is a problem if there's a fire, cause like... I 100% have to catch them)

I'm very glad I have these smoke alarms, I'm obviously gonna plug them all back in later in the day once the massive smoke plume my mom created clears but... I don't know...

I feel like I may need to look into fire alarms that... that have some kind of super easy mute feature, cause this is the first time they've gone off for a reason other than a battery failing, and I'm realizing that while they're excellent at alerting me... I think they might actually make a fire worse

Something to think about, I guess I'm glad this happened so I know

Hopefully we can just avoid all fires. I'll have to think about if there's any ways I can do more to protect my home, make sure everything's good and safe cause... I can't fucking... I can't... if there was a fire I'd have to save my cats and then literally kill myself cause I can't go on without my house and my stuff

But yeah... just some thoughts

(Also my mom was trying to... ok, so the ceiling on the ground floor is like 8'. I can touch it if I jump, I can barely change a lightbulb from the ground, but I can't fucking reach these fire alarms, no sir, not without a chair. I'm going to get a chair and she's standing in the way trying to poke it with something when it's like... just fucking move, which is what she had to do)

...fuck me I'm tried of being alive

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equalonline · 6 months

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What You Must Know About Choosing The Right Ladder

Most people, in and out of the trade, use different types of aluminum ladders on a daily basis. For households it can be a step ladder to reach higher shelves, changing the bulb, or even changing smoke detector batteries.

For the DIY projects typically embrace extended reaches. It can be as easy as splitting a panel (I would like my arms were longer) to assembling an elevated deck. Here, the necessity for various ladder types exists, depending on the work on hand.

For the professional, it’s a ladder collection like Step, extension, and multi-purpose ladders are all required. In some cases, scaffolds and pump jacks match the bill. Therefore here may be a primer on the criteria once choosing a ladder.

Types of Ladder

This may seem to be such a basic question, however different ladders are designed to securely guide you through different project types. Finding and choosing the correct ladder is your first step (pun intended) to obtaining the correct tool for the work.

Some basic types embrace household ladder, industrial ladder, multipurpose ladder and scaffolding ladder, telescopic ladder (a must-have specialty item that saves professionals on Occupational Safety and Health Administration fines). The list will prolong with specialty ladders like attic ladders, step stools, rolling ladders as well as accessories that create your ladder do more.

First, let’s take a glance at the four most common ladder types:

Household Ladder

Have you shifted to your new home recently? From cleansing up the spider net on the ceiling, fixing the bulb or changing the curtains, a ladder is required to do some basic work at home. Imagine not having a ladder for home; going to those zones would be such a frightening task. Explore EQUAL household Ladder to search out a perfect ladder to fit your needs.

Many people have a basic step ladder or a ladder reception to induce the essential jobs done, wherever a little bit of extra height would facilitate. Our ladder must be helpful for doing all such ménage work with ease.

Industrial Ladder

The industrial ladder is the strongest sort of ladder that you can buy. These types of ladders are designed for onsite use and are designed to be in use perpetually. An industrial ladder is a superb alternative for the one that has to work on-site constantly.

EQUAL industrial ladders follow the EN131 standard for safety and build with T5 grade aluminum. EN131 is the most important certification for any ladder because it is that the sole way to make sure that the ladder meets the security requirement for trade and domestic use.

Multipurpose Ladder

A multipurpose ladder is a must for any tradesperson – multi-functional, economical and infrequently cost-efficient, they’re one amongst the top items of kit we suggest. Any ladder than may be accustomed to accomplish the tasks of 2 or more kinds of the ladder is taken into account multi-purpose.

Scaffolding Ladder

Scaffolding Ladder allows you to store the tool more expeditiously while also adding the flexibility of adjusting the peak as required. Different variations of this tool are straight, or hole ladders, which are the only section wherever a collection length is used over and over (think library ladders for the employment of one-height needed)

Extension rung locks take the bulk of the abuse on this ladder-type and may contribute to early failure. Some corporations are using advanced polymers to strengthen this key part. Polymers have replaced steel and aluminium in several applications nowadays, together with cars and trucks.

Telescopic Ladder

This aluminum telescopic ladder has been designed to telescope and retract succinctly, making it easy to store and maintain around the home. The extension is simple to use, and additionally, the retraction is usually created with a lock at the foot, that closes the ladder with a no-pinch system. It has been manufactured to a trade normal which will be used by each industrial contractor and for at-home projects. The Extension & Climb ladder may be a wise and easier-to-use solution to chunky ladders. This ladder is lightweight and durable as a result it has been designed especially for simple transportation.

It features an integrated carrying handle that produces transport and storage even easier. The telescoping ladder has been designed to be time-saving and easy to use. It features applied science designs and lockup tabs for safe and secure use. That’s why it's nice for each house or business. It’s manufactured from aircraft-grade aluminum alloy for strength and sturdiness. This ladder is definite to look at you through every job or task you've got at home or work.

The main advantage of telescopic ladder is the simple fact they can be simply stored. The sleek style means they can be slotted right down to a size smaller than a deck chair, creating them excellent for putting in the rear of a work van, a small storage cupboard or a shed.

We have designed our telescopic ladders to be as compact as doable, we have a tendency to additionally put in Associate in the nursing anti-pinch system to safeguard your fingers. All of our telescopic ladders are created from aluminum which means they are terribly light-weight, this makes them glorious for transporting, domestic use, industrial use, and for a great deal of. The aluminum does not simply make the telescopic ladders durable and lightweight, they additionally mean they need a rust-resistant surface.

Ladder Height

That’s right; there are two factors to think about while selecting the correct ladder. However, they’re calculated depends on the kind of ladder that you are using.

Step ladders would come with the length of the ladder once open likewise as a maximum height you wish to reach, calculated for an average person’s height of 5’9” with a vertical reach of 12”.

So if you recognize how high you wish to reach, let’s say 10’, you would doubtless purchase a 6’ step ladder permitting you to safely stand virtually 4’ on top of the ground.

Selecting a ladder height is a combination of Step ladder size, approximate highest standing level, and maximum reach.

Extension ladders have a number of different concerns. Here, the utmost operating ladder length and highest standing level come in to play, based on similar physical characteristics of the individual delineate above.

Since there's a user-defined angle of use on a ladder, an overlap of the sections and also the projection of the ladder on top of the lean point, selecting the correct product here could be a bit trickier.

Weight Capacity

Most of the house users do not need a heavy duty ladder. Professionals, in distinction, need to ensure the ladder they use will support them and their tools. This can be all simply resolved by knowing what duty ratings really are.

Duty rating is a class assigned to an aluminium ladder. It’s a way to simply tell how much total weight a ladder can bear in each of its steps without any risk. It’s written in Roman Numerals going from lighter loads to heavier ones. They begin at III and head to I, then adding IA and IAA for even heavier loads.

Remember that these ratings include all of the load the ladder can support. Some individuals make the mistake of mounting a ladder because they’re below the assigned weight limit, not pondering the serious tools they’re carrying.

Here’s a duty rating reference chart:

TYPE IAA – 375 lbs. Load Capacity | Professional Use | Extra Heavy Duty | Suitable for MRO and Industrial construction

TYPE IA – 300 lbs. Load Capacity | Professional Use | Heavy Duty Use | Suitable for Roofing, Building Maintenance

TYPE I - 250 lbs. Load Capacity | Industrial Use | Heavy Duty Use | Suitable for Building Maintenance, Sheetrock

TYPE II – 225 lbs. Load Capacity | Commercial Use | Medium Duty | Light commercial and General Repair | Painting & Cleaning and Household Usability

TYPE III – 200 lbs. Load Capacity | Household Use | Light Duty | Light Cleaning and Painting

Weight Capacity

EQUAL ladders make all types including step, extension, multipurpose, scaffolding, and telescopic using the aluminum material. Here are some features of aluminum:

Lightweight

Long-lasting Construction

Resists Corrosion

Ideal for Painting, Roofing, and Siding

They are not suited to use near electricity, as they are conductive, and doing so may cause accidents

At the end of the day, choosing the correct ladder starts with thinking about what kind of job you’re going to be using it for. Then ensure you’ve taken all of the previous steps to confirm your product won't underperform, or, on the opposite hand, you’ll purchase a ladder with features that you simply won’t ever be using or plain previous overspending thanks to a lack of knowledge.

Interesting Facts About Ladder

Ladders are one of the oldest and widely used devices that change us to achieve high places and points safely. Despite its presence, though, not many of us apprehend a lot regarding it and sometimes take it and its safe use for granted.

It is assumed that ladders have been in use since the Mesolithic era, about 10,000 years ago.

Falling off a ladder is the most common injury a person can suffer from while climbing a ladder.

There are more than 21 types of rigid ladders available in the market.

John H. Balsley invented the first folding stepladder in 1892.

Aluminum is the most common material used in the manufacturing ladder.

Thanks for reading this. We are the leading manufacturer of aluminum ladders, platform trolleys, and weighing scales. If you have any questions, let us know.

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jdgo51 · 9 months

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What Is My One Word?

Today's inspiration comes from:

My One Word

by Mike Ashcraft & Rachel Olsen

Editor’s Note: 2023 is in our rear view mirror, so the time has come for us to set our New Year’s resolutions and think about our goals, hopes, and wishes for the year ahead. But as authors Mike Ashcroft and Rachel Olsen remind us in this devotional, becoming the person Christ created us to be requires focus — and for you that might mean zeroing in on one word to guide you through the new year. We hope this devotion inspires you to pick your one word for 2024!

"So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom." — Psalm 90:12

"'I don’t have enough time to live my own life!

I reached this conclusion after trying to follow all the advice given on a morning news show one week in January. It seemed like a smart way to start my day. I figured I’d tune in, get the forecast, learn the headlines, and maybe hear a celebrity interview. I wasn’t expecting all the show segments telling me how to live my life better.

Most of these segments offered the promise of deliverance: “Financial Freedom Is Closer than You Think” or “Four Secrets to Better Communication.” Others, I decided, were designed to scare the socks off of me: “Six Health Risks Every Person Faces” or “Thieves You Cannot See — Avoiding Identity Theft.” Motivated by this combination of hope and fear, I compiled a to-do list of ways to improve my life and its management according to the experts. The more I listened, learned, and listed, the more behind schedule I felt.

The topics on my list ranged from health maintenance to home maintenance to car maintenance. I was informed I need to eat certain foods every day: four veggies, three fruits, two proteins (preferably chicken or fish), and I think a partridge in a pear tree. I also need to get enough fiber, calcium, Vitamin D, B, C, and Beta-something-or-other.

I need thirty minutes of cardio a day (but apparently with the right exercise product this can be done in ten), fifteen minutes of strength training, and ten minutes of stretching. Plus, some extended time for meditation so that my body and mind could align. I’m told a germ-resistant mat is needed for that. I need to bust my stress, nurture my creativity, and improve my posture.

I need to pay attention to my finances. Save and invest. Spend frugally — yet somehow also buy the cool gadgets they review on the show. Apparently extreme couponing is the way to afford it all, but it takes a lot of time to save 80 percent on your grocery bill. I need to check my credit report regularly. Shred important documents. Back up my computer. Meet with my financial planner. And read the information that comes with our kid’s (underfunded) college fund. That, by the way, is forty pages of legal and financial mumbo jumbo in eight-point font, single-spaced. I suppose I need to meet with my attorney to understand it. And that creates two prerequisite tasks to add to the list: find an attorney and find a financial planner. They assume every regular Joe has a CFP, a CPA, and a JD on speed dial. I have Domino’s on mine.

The list continues…

Change my oil every 3,000 miles and my transmission fluid every 30,000. Test my smoke detector batteries biannually. Change my air filters every other month. Replace my toothbrush every three months. Flip my mattress every six. Buy new pillows every three years — I think this is for my posture, but it could be to get rid of dust mites. Check my skin for irregular moles. Check my yard for moles too. Weed and feed the lawn each spring. Grow houseplants to cleanse the air. Save last night’s roasted chicken bones to make my own chicken stock. Buy undervalued international stocks. Sell my stock before it drops. And stock my pantry for possible natural disasters.

Fertilize, amortize, winterize, maximize, scrutinize. Suddenly I realized: I don’t have time to live my life!

PAUSE. My word for the year is PAUSE. In my busy life there are so many times I need to pause. Pause to remember these days, for they will fly by so quickly. Pause to say yes … and no. Pause to give thanks. Pause before I speak in anger, judgment, or criticism. Pause to say I’m sorry. Pause to dwell on God’s goodness and mercy. — Dawn

Looking at the list of things I was supposed to do to live my life right, or well, or whatever all this was going to do for me, I felt defeated. The list that was going to improve my life left me overwhelmed. In my moment of defeat all I wanted to do was go surf. ’Course the list said I should put on a high-SPF sunscreen and take along a BPA-free water bottle to keep me well hydrated. Filled with filtered spring water, of course.

Change is possible.

Dropping the Ball

I’m sure you can relate; you’ve made lists too. Lists of things you want to start doing or stop doing — things you want to change about yourself. Lists of ways to improve your life and your character. Maybe you’ve only listed them in your head. But I bet they come to mind each January. Nearly two-thirds of America’s population has made New Year’s resolutions. I am one of them.

And you’ve probably found, like I’ve found, that each day keeps blurring into the next while we try to make some progress with our many good intentions. Yet very little actually changes. That ball keeps dropping in Times Square each New Year’s. And we keep dropping the ball on our resolutions to improve.

Only 20 percent of resolution makers report achieving any significant long-term change.

When I open my Bible, I find more lists. Things a follower of Christ should do. Things a follower of Christ should resist doing. Traits a follower of Christ should display — all the truly important stuff that never makes it onto morning show segments. When was I going to get to any of this?

I decided to drop my list of ways to get the most out of my life. I realized I needed to find a new way to approach personal change.

Losing the List, Picking a Word

My first journal entry in 2004 was a single word: FLOW. Not merely written on the page, but etched in bubble letters about three-quarters of an inch tall. The letters are heavily outlined, surrounded by a thin border, and colored in gray. It took me about ten minutes to draw and color the word FLOW. But it took three weeks to narrow all that was bubbling up in me down to that single word.

I’d been writing in a journal for years, but here was something I had never done before. Instead of blasting paragraphs on a page to capture my thoughts and insights, recording my steps and setbacks, I decided to meditate on just one word.

I wrote this word FLOW in response to something Jesus said. He said,

Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water’.— John 7:38 ESV

That struck a nerve.

There were times when I felt the living water flowing with ease from my heart. But there were other times, more times, when it felt forced.

The idea of FLOW drew me forward. It didn’t have the trappings of regret or the pressure of sweeping promises to change like my resolutions did. It awakened something in me. Not a compulsive desire to change born out of being sick of the way I was, but a desire to live an authentic life that flowed from my relationship with Christ.

Could my life really flow from my heart? The question sent me on a search anchored by the four letters of this one word.

If what Jesus said was true — pause for the obvious answer to arise — then I’d need a way to pay attention to my heart on a daily basis.

I decided looking at and concentrating on this word FLOW would remind me to do that. In the months to come, I paid attention to FLOW and used it to gauge my heart and my life. I discovered I could tell the condition of my heart based on what was coming out of it into my life.

And slowly, over time with this word FLOW, I learned to reverse that process. Instead of looking at my life and actions to realize the state of my heart, I proactively addressed the condition of my heart. That changed my life.

In looking through the lens of a single chosen word, I found a new approach to personal change and spiritual formation — one that is doable, memorable, effective, and sticky. The results have been greater than I expected.

FAITHFUL. For twenty-seven years I’ve believed that my plan for my life is superior to God’s plan. My time has been spent pursuing goals, accomplishments, and things I felt I needed to be happy and complete. After twenty-seven years of much external success, I realized I was still personally and emotionally unsatisfied. While driving to work one morning I was listening to K-LOVE, and I heard Mike talk of the One Word concept. That day I decided, for the first time in my life, to focus on God’s plan for my life instead of my own. Handing over the reins has not been easy; in fact, sometimes I’m not sure I have the endurance. So I chose FAITHFUL as my one word, because I’m committed to being faithful to God’s Word and plan. The thought of where things are going is exciting! I’m now being led by the earth’s Creator. — Brian"

Excerpted with permission from My One Word by Mike Ashcraft & Rachel Olsen, copyright Mike Ashcraft & Rachel Olsen

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