#one of my fav essays

[iceyrukia]

IT IS OBSCENE: A TRUE REFLECTION IN THREE PARTS

PART ONE

When you are a public figure, people will write and say false things about you. It comes with the territory. Many of those things you brush aside. Many you ignore. The people close to you advise you that silence is best. And it often is. Sometimes, though, silence makes a lie begin to take on the shimmer of truth.

In this age of social media, where a story travels the world in minutes, silence sometimes means that other people can hijack your story and soon, their false version becomes the defining story about you.

Falsehood flies, and the Truth comes limping after it, as Jonathan Swift wrote.

Take the case of a young woman who attended my Lagos writing workshop some years ago; she stood out because she was bright and interested in feminism.

After the workshop, I welcomed her into my life. I very rarely do this, because my past experiences with young Nigerians left me wary of people who are calculating and insincere and want to use me only as an opportunity. But she was a Bright Young Nigerian Feminist and I thought that was worth making an exception.

She spent time in my Lagos home. We had long conversations. I was support-giver, counsellor, comforter.

Then I gave an interview in March 2017 in which I said that a trans woman is a trans woman, (the larger point of which was to say that we should be able to acknowledge difference while being fully inclusive, that in fact the whole premise of inclusiveness is difference.)

I was told she went on social media and insulted me.

This woman knows me enough to know that I fully support the rights of trans people and all marginalized people. That I have always been fiercely supportive of difference, in general. And that I am a person who reads and thinks and forms my opinions in a carefully considered way.

Of course she could very well have had concerns with the interview. That is fair enough. But I had a personal relationship with her. She could have emailed or called or texted me. Instead she went on social media to put on a public performance.

I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it. But I mostly held myself responsible. My spirit had been slightly stalled, from the beginning, by her. My first sense of unease with her came when she posted a photo taken in my house, at a time when I did not want any photos of my personal life on social media. I asked that she take it down. The second case of unease was her publicizing something I had told her in confidence about another member of the workshop. The most upsetting was when she, without telling me, used my name to apply for an American visa. Above all else was my lingering suspicion that she was a person who chose as friends only those from whom she could benefit. But she was a Bright Young Nigerian Feminist and I allowed that sentiment to over-ride my unease.

After she publicly insulted me, it was clear to me that this kind of noxious person had no business in my life, ever again.

A few months later, she sent this affected, self-regarding email which I ignored.

Friday September 15 2017 at 4.35 AM Dearest Chimamanda, Happy birthday. I mean this with all my heart, even though I know I have fallen (removed myself?) from your grace. It would be impossible for me to stop loving you; long before you gave me the possibility of being your friend you were the embodiment of my deepest hopes, and that will never change.I think of you often, still – stating the obvious. I grieve the loss of our friendship; it is a complicated sadness. I’m sorry that I caused you pain, or to feel like you can no longer trust me. There’s so much that I wish could be said.I pray this birthday is the happiest one yet. I wish you rest and quiet and abiding stability, and of course more of the kind of success that means the most to you.I hope mothering X is everything you hoped and prayed for and more.Have a wonderful day today. Love always.

About a year later, she sent this email, which I also ignored.

Thursday November 29 2018 at 8.42 AM Dear Chimamanda, I realise this is long overdue and vastly insufficient, but I’m really sorry. I’ve spent so much time going back and forth in my head and my email drafts; wondering whether to write you, how to write you, what to say, all kinds of things. But in the end, this is the thing I realise I need to say.I’m sorry I disappointed and hurt you by saying things publicly that were sharply critical, unkind and even disrespectful, especially in light of all the backlash and criticism you experience from people who don’t know you. I could have acted with more consideration towards you. I should have, especially given the privilege of intimacy that you had offered me. There are many reasons why I chose to behave the way I did, but none of them is an excuse. And I clearly realise now, after many, many months of needless sadness and angst and hurt and actual confusion, that I did not treat you as a friend would—certainly not as someone would to whom you had offered unprecedented access to yourself and your life.You’ve meant the world to me since I was barely a teenager. It’s been very hard navigating the emotional fallout of the past several months, knowing you were displeased with me but truly not quite understanding why, then deciding I didn’t care, then realising that would never be true. I’ve always cared. But I was too mixed up about the situation to be able to make sense of it, or properly see past my own justifications. I’m sorry it took me so long to grasp how I let you down.I realise that I don’t have room to ask anything of you, but I would be grateful for a chance to say this in person. Still, even if I never get that, I really hope you believe me.Congratulations on restarting the workshop, and on all the other amazing successes of the past several months. I think of you often; it would be impossible not to. You look so happy in your pictures. I really hope you are well. All my love,

I hoped never to hear from her again. But she has recently gone on social media to write about how she “refused to kiss my ring,” as if I demanded some kind of obeisance from her. She also suggests that there is some dark, shadowy ‘more’ to tell that she won’t tell, with an undertone of “if only you knew the whole story.”

It is a manipulative way of lying. By suggesting there is ‘more’ when you know very well that there isn’t, you do sufficient reputational damage while also being able to plead deniability. Innuendo without fact is immoral.

No, there isn’t more to the story. It is a simple story – you got close to a famous person, you publicly insulted the famous person to aggrandize yourself, the famous person cut you off, you sent emails and texts that were ignored, and you then decided to go on social media to peddle falsehoods. It is obscene to tell the world that you refused to kiss a ring when in fact there isn’t any ring at all.

I cannot make much of the hostility of strangers who do not know me – fame taints our view of the humanity of famous people. But the truth is that the famous person remains irretrievably human. Fame does not inoculate the famous person from disappointment and depression, fame does not make you any less angered or hurt by the duplicitous nature of people. To be famous is to be assumed to have power, which is true, but in the analysis of fame, people often ignore the vulnerability that comes with fame, and they are unable to see how others who have nothing to lose can lie and connive in order to take advantage of that fame, while not giving a single thought to the feelings and humanity of the famous person.

And when you personally know a famous person, when you have experienced their humanity, when you have benefited from their kindness, and yet you are unable to extend to them the basic grace and respect that even a casual acquaintanceship deserves, then it says something fundamental about you.

And in a deluded way, you will convince yourself that your hypocritical, self-regarding, compassion-free behavior is in fact principled feminism. It isn’t. You will wrap your mediocre malice in the false gauziness of ideological purity. But it’s still malice. You will tell yourself that being able to parrot the latest American Feminist orthodoxy justifies your hacking at the spirit of a person who had shown you only kindness. You can call your opportunism by any name, but it doesn’t make it any less of the ugly opportunism that it is.

PART TWO

When I first read this person’s work, which was their application to my writing workshop, I thought the sentences were well-done. I accepted this person. At the workshop, I thought they could have been more respectful of the other participants, perhaps not kept typing dismissively as others’ stories were discussed, with an air of being among people below their level. After the workshop, I decided to select the best stories, edit them, pay the writers a fee, and publish them in an e-magazine. The first story I chose was this person’s. I wrote a glowing introduction, which the story truly deserved.

They sent this email.

Fri, Aug 7, 2015, 8:20 AM Thank you so much for that introduction. It means so much to me and I’m going to keep reading it to get through the rest of my stay at Syracuse. I sent it to my mother and she got nervous about the piece because you said ‘it disturbs’, said she’s not sure how she’s going to feel when she reads it. But she’s also one of those ‘let’s leave the past in the past’ people. My sister approved, which meant a lot because our childhoods were each other’s.All that to say, I’m so grateful you gave me the space to write the short version of this piece, the encouragement to write the longer piece, and now, a platform for it. I definitely have plans to write more about Aba.Thank you, with all my heart.PS- I wanted to sign off gratefully + gracefully in Igbo but I said let me not fall my own hand 🙂

About a year later, they sent another email to let me know that their novel would be published.

Wed, Jun 8, 2016, 8:20 AM Greetings! I hope all’s been well with you this past year. Belated congratulations on the baby’s arrival, I hope she’s being a delight (I’m sure she is), and on the Johns Hopkins honors.I was thinking about how this time last year, I’d just received the email from you about Farafina and I wanted to reach out with a quick update. I’ve just accepted an offer for the novel I excerpted as my application and it feels like the workshop was a catalyst for the events that’ve led me here. So, thank you, for the workshop and your words and the Olisa TV series and listening to me babble on about my story at the hotel. I deeply appreciate all of it and you. All my best,

Before the novel was published, I spoke of it to some people, to help it get attention. I had not been able to finish reading it. I found the writing beautiful, but the story false-hearted and burdened by bathos. When I spoke of the novel, however, it was the former sentiment that I expressed, never the latter.

After I gave the March 2017 interview in which I said that a trans woman is a trans woman, I was told that this person had insulted me on social media, calling me, among other things, a murderer. I was deeply upset, because while I did not really know them personally, I felt they knew what I stood for and that I fully supported the rights of trans people, and that I do not wish anybody dead.

Still, I took no action. I ignored the public insult.

When this person’s publishers sent me an early copy of their novel, I was surprised to see that my name was included in their cover biography. I had never seen that done in a book before. I didn’t like that I had not been asked for permission to use my name, but most of all I thought – why would a person who thinks I’m a murderer want my name so prominently displayed in their biography?

Then I learned that, because my name was in the cover biography, a journalist had called them my “protegee” and they then threw a Twitter tantrum about it, calling it clickbait, viciously disavowing having received any help from me.

I knew this person had called me a murderer, I knew they were actively campaigning to “cancel” me and tweeting about how I should no longer be invited to speak at events. But this I felt I could not ignore.

I sent an email to my representative:

From: Chimamanda Adichie Date: Wed, Feb 14, 2018 at 2:06 PM I’m writing about X She attended my Lagos workshop two years ago and I selected hers as one of a few pieces I published after the workshop. Apparently I was referred to as her ‘mentor’ and/or she was referred to as my ‘protege,’ in some articles, which led to her tweeting about it. Her tweets were forwarded to me by friends. In them, she reacted quite viscerally to my being called her ‘mentor’ and her being my ‘protege.’ To be fair, she is not technically my ‘protege,’ and it is perfectly fine that she feels this way, but her ungracious tone and the ugliness of the energy spent on her tweets surprised me. I recently received her book and noticed that my name was included in her official book bio. I was stunned. Surely if she is so strongly averse to my being considered a person who has been significant in her career, (which is my understanding of the loose use of protege/mentor) then it is unseemly to make the choice to include my name in her bio. I found it unusual, as I don’t think I’ve seen it done before in a book bio, but I also now find it unacceptably cynical. It is only reasonable for a person who sees my name as it is used in her bio — ‘her work has been selected and edited by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’ — to assume some sort of mentor/protege relationship. To publicly disavow this with a tone bordering on hostility and at the same time so baldly use my name to sell her book is utterly unacceptable to me. I’d like you to please reach out to her publishers and ask that my name be removed from her official book bio. I refuse to be used in this way. Chimamanda

After contacting her publishers, my representative wrote:

They have asked whether your preference would be to remove the Acknowledgment to you in the back of the book also, in future reprints.

I replied:

I don’t think that is my decision to take, and so will not answer either way, although it would be ideal if she herself made the decision to do so.

On the subject of how to go about it, I was absolutely determined not to be used by this person, but I was also sensitive to the costs the publisher might incur, as this was not in any way the publisher’s fault. Instead of pulping the already printed copies, I asked that the jackets be stripped and rebound. To my representative I wrote:

I’m completely determined that I not be used in this opportunistic and hypocritical way. But I want to make sure to proceed reasonably.

I was assured that my name would be removed and I moved on.

But from time to time, I would be informed of yet another social media post in which this person had attacked me.

This person has created a space in which social media followers have – and this I find unforgiveable – trivialized my parents’ death, claiming that the sudden and devastating loss of my parents within months of each other during this pandemic, was ‘punishment’ for my ‘transphobia.’

This person has asked followers to pick up machetes and attack me.

This person began a narrative that I had sabotaged their career, a narrative that has been picked up and repeated by others.

The normal response would be to ignore it all, because this person is seeking attention and publicity to benefit themselves. Claiming that I have sabotaged their career is a lie and this person knows that it is a lie. But if something is repeated often enough, in this age in which people do not need proof or verification to run with a story, especially a story that has outrage potential, then it can easily begin to seem true.

My addressing this lie will indeed get this person some attention – may they bask in it.

Here is the truth: I was very supportive of this writer. I didn’t have to be. I wasn’t asked to be. I supported this writer because I believe we need a diverse range of African stories.

Sabotaging a young writer’s career is just not my style; I would get no benefit or satisfaction from it. Asking that my name be removed from your biography is not sabotaging your career. It is about protecting my boundaries of what I consider acceptable in civil human behavior.

You publicly call me a murderer AND still feel entitled to benefit from my name?

You use my name (without my permission) to sell your book AND then throw an ugly tantrum when someone makes a reference to it?

What kind of monstrous entitlement, what kind of perverse self-absorption, what utter lack of self-awareness, what unheeding heartlessness, what frightening immaturity makes a person act this way?

Besides, a person who genuinely believes me to be a murderer cannot possibly want my name on their book cover, unless of course that person is a rank opportunist.

PART THREE

In certain young people today like these two from my writing workshop, I notice what I find increasingly troubling: a cold-blooded grasping, a hunger to take and take and take, but never give; a massive sense of entitlement; an inability to show gratitude; an ease with dishonesty and pretension and selfishness that is couched in the language of self-care; an expectation always to be helped and rewarded no matter whether deserving or not; language that is slick and sleek but with little emotional intelligence; an astonishing level of self-absorption; an unrealistic expectation of puritanism from others; an over-inflated sense of ability, or of talent where there is any at all; an inability to apologize, truly and fully, without justifications; a passionate performance of virtue that is well executed in the public space of Twitter but not in the intimate space of friendship.

I find it obscene.

There are many social-media-savvy people who are choking on sanctimony and lacking in compassion, who can fluidly pontificate on Twitter about kindness but are unable to actually show kindness. People whose social media lives are case studies in emotional aridity. People for whom friendship, and its expectations of loyalty and compassion and support, no longer matter. People who claim to love literature – the messy stories of our humanity – but are also monomaniacally obsessed with whatever is the prevailing ideological orthodoxy. People who demand that you denounce your friends for flimsy reasons in order to remain a member of the chosen puritan class.

People who ask you to ‘educate’ yourself while not having actually read any books themselves, while not being able to intelligently defend their own ideological positions, because by ‘educate,’ they actually mean ‘parrot what I say, flatten all nuance, wish away complexity.’

People who do not recognize that what they call a sophisticated take is really a simplistic mix of abstraction and orthodoxy – sophistication in this case being a showing-off of how au fait they are on the current version of ideological orthodoxy.

People who wield the words ‘violence’ and ‘weaponize’ like tarnished pitchforks. People who depend on obfuscation, who have no compassion for anybody genuinely curious or confused. Ask them a question and you are told that the answer is to repeat a mantra. Ask again for clarity and be accused of violence. (How ironic, speaking of violence, that it is one of these two who encouraged Twitter followers to pick up machetes and attack me.)

And so we have a generation of young people on social media so terrified of having the wrong opinions that they have robbed themselves of the opportunity to think and to learn and to grow.

I have spoken to young people who tell me they are terrified to tweet anything, that they read and re-read their tweets because they fear they will be attacked by their own. The assumption of good faith is dead. What matters is not goodness but the appearance of goodness. We are no longer human beings. We are now angels jostling to out-angel one another. God help us. It is obscene.

[kagoutiss]

pelican town, ‘72

[courtesanofdeath]

The secret to enjoying life is to hold onto the kid inside you.

happy birthday gintoki ~

[iridescentmirrorsgenshin]

The parallels between Kaveh and his mother and what this implies for Kaveh and Alhaitham

(This is an excerpt taken from my Haikaveh essay! If you're interested you can check it out here or as a pdf <3)

When discussing Kaveh’s mother, Faranak, with her old teacher Zaha Hadi in order to discover the password that will unlock Faranak’s journal, “companionship” is given as the password over “understanding”. This is due to Faranak placing more value in the companionship of Kaveh’s father over him understanding her artistry, as despite his lack of understanding, he stayed at her side regardless in order to “support” her. Zaha Hadi states that Kaveh’s father’s support was likely the reason that Faranak chose him over her “many admirers”, which Kaveh then equates to “companionship”:

A romantic connotation is created by the association of “companionship” with the relationship between Kaveh’s mother and father. Although companionship is also assigned to a platonic connection, pictured in Faranak’s journal of the gathering consisting of Tighnari’s parents, Alhaitham’s parents, and Cyno’s adoptive father. Her advice to Kaveh of pursuing companionship, too, falls in the platonic category, as she states for him to: “seek a friend” in order to gain support. Companionship, then, becomes dually used for romantic and platonic connections.

It is interesting then, that Faranak herself can be used as an allusion to Kaveh. This is emanated in how the two share many similarities, not only in physical attributes, their studying in Kshahrewar, and their shared profession as an architect, but also in their mannerisms and their method of working.

Just as Faranak keeps a diary, Kaveh writes in an ‘Old Sketchbook’. Faranak is described as a “perfectionist” who insisted on redesigning drafts, just as Kaveh designs six drafts for a singular client.

She is also described to have a “sensitive and vulnerable heart”, just as Kaveh is described to be “sensitive” due to his empathetic nature.

Just like Kaveh, she is said to have gotten into a “heated argument” with a friend, presumably over conflicting viewpoints on art. As an artist, her woes are that of Kaveh’s, stemming from being misunderstood by others.

As she is directly compared with Kaveh and as their similarities are listed, it can be inferred that the two are to be paralleled due to their resemblance. It is relevant then to look to her view of her relationship with Kaveh’s father as it provides a perspective of an ideal companion for a struggling artist:

This is interesting in regard to the relationship presented here to that which exists between Kaveh and Alhaitham.

Kaveh and Alhaitham have a mutually deep understanding of each other, which creates a sense of intimacy that they share with no other character. Additionally, Kaveh has the similar struggle of being eclipsed by a “dream” in his heart, as in, his ideals conflicting with his own self-interest. Kaveh’s father, rather than understanding Kaveh's mother's ideals in relation to himself, seeks to support her, “listen[ing] to her joys and share[ing] in her sorrows”. This is a similar statement to Alhaitham’s “listen[ing] intently” to Kaveh’s troubles when meeting in a tavern, calling to question Kaveh’s pursuit of his ideals: “How has realising your ideals gone for you?”

Where Faranak writes of meeting her future husband for the first time, Kaveh’s meeting Alhaitham is recorded in a similar instance:

When comparing Faranak’s first impression of her future husband with that of Kaveh’s impression upon first meeting Alhaitham, the two are dissimilar. Kaveh notes that it is rare to meet someone of his intellect, and therefore appears to treasure the bond, whereas Faranak is seemingly indifferent to Kaveh’s father, but he appears to grow on her. In regard to Kaveh and Alhaitham’s relationship history as a whole, however, similarities can be noted.

Where Kaveh and Alhaitham fell out due to differing viewpoints and their inability to effectively communicate, Kaveh can be seen to not “think much” of Alhaitham’s perspective. When the two meet again in the future, this perception of Kaveh’s has the potential to become applicable only to a “younger [Kaveh]”, as Alhaitham is the only person whom he has formed an “intimate bond” with. Although Alhaitham will not be able to understand him in terms of empathy, Alhaitham can provide companionship, just as Kaveh’s father did for Faranak, which in turn, caused their relationship to develop into that of an “intimate bond”.

A parallel can be drawn between the bond Kaveh’s mother and father had, and the bond between Kaveh and Alhaitham. As although Alhaitham cannot understand Kaveh’s artistic struggles and his personal struggles of empathy, he supports Kaveh in trying to alleviate Kaveh’s suffering and his willingness to listen.

As Kaveh’s mother specifically highlights that it is not understanding which will help Kaveh, it is companionship, which draws strong links to the identified message in A Parade of Providence. As Alhaitham states that he knows that Kaveh will never understand Alhaitham’s way of thinking in regard to his own ideals, but that their relationship is not based upon who is right or wrong. A more in-depth analysis regarding this can be found here.

Alhaitham and Kaveh cannot understand each other in the sense that they can properly empathise and relate with each other’s way of thinking, but they can support one another in the progression of self, and ultimately be a constant source of support for the other. This is demonstrated in the elaboration of the bond between Kaveh’s mother and father, and the parallels drawn between Kaveh and his mother. Companionship is a solution for Kaveh’s mother just as it is for Kaveh.

This can be seen in Faranak’s drawing of a gathering and the picture obtained at Kaveh’s Hangout ending, ‘Leisurely Gathering’. The player is prompted to draw parallels between the people in the picture and the characters the player has met:

The photo shown parallels the ‘Leisurely Gathering’ ending route picture, as Kaveh is positioned where his father sat, and Tighnari, Alhaitham, and Cyno placed in accordance to where their fathers are placed. Rather than being turned away from Alhaitham, like Kaveh’s father is to Alhaitham’s father in the drawing, Kaveh and Alhaitham are centre frame, and their focus is on each other. Companionship then, whilst being this particular group of friends, particularly refers to that of the bond between Kaveh and Alhaitham. The dual meaning assigned to “companionship” means that both a romantic and platonic interpretation has been generated to apply here - another example of methods used to queercode Kaveh and Alhaitham's relationship.

[mamawasatesttube]

the thing about kon's relationships is that, despite how much posturing he does about being a flirt and a ladies' man, he has only ever had three (3) relationships, two of which were with adult women who groomed and preyed on him, and the third was with a closeted lesbian who mistook her gender envy as attraction to him.

(to cassie, kon is literally the boy from the posters on her bedroom wall. she sets up that crush before she ever meets him, and by the time the two of them get together, he's already got the idea that relationships = a woman gives him a box to fit into and he does his very best to stay in it so he can prove he's good enough for her. this isn't cassie's fault by any means, but like, it's no wonder they break up and both immediately seem relieved about it, yknow?)

even when other people flirt with him, like when serling tries to ask him out, he turns her down because he's not in a space where he feels like he can be in a relationship. he's not actually the horndog and total flirt he pretends he is. i would posit that he just learned "this is how teenage boys are supposed to act" from all the media and pop culture downloaded into his head. that was the only standard or cultural context he had. it's how he tried to socialize in hawaii when he went to high school, too. he didn't know how to act beyond being a tv personality.

anyways, what i'm getting at is that i will never be convinced this guy has ever actually experienced attraction to a woman. it's posturing and comp het all the way down, babey. kon-el is a demisexual gay man, and in this essay i will

[nelsonny]

one thing i will never forgive the ace attorney fandom for is the severe mischaracterization and fanonization of manfred von karma. they turned him into an evil harmful abuser and it just makes a weaker narrative overall to me. i dont have any problem with it just being a headcanon because people are allowed to have whatever the fuck they want even if i dont like it but No its considered to be Canon and anyone who likes this character is Bad and its like Babe there is so many other things to hate this man over why do you choose one that is never shown in the games besides Once and that turned out to be a mistranslation and is also from a game that commonly mischaracterized its characters. what are you talking about.

you know what you CAN hate this man over? he was the one that people respected and adored, the one that was considered to be a god amongst prosecutors. he may be cold, stand-offish and a perfectionist, but miles knew he at least cared about him and was his main source of comfort when he needed it. he never knew that he was the one who killed his father and changed his life forever. he never knew that the person that gave him this much love and comfort was the person who made him scared of earthquakes to the point he'd passed out and made him always persistent on taking the stairs. the person who he hugged and cried into the shoulder of being the man who changed it all for the worse.

and for what? because he was a coward. he got scared when his perfect record has it's first penalty - and it wasn't even a loss. he still won. he could've moved on with his life and pretended it never happened. he was still respected amongst prosecutors despite it, after all, it wasn't his fault. yet he just couldn't help it. it was opportunistic and uncalculated. he was filled with such guilt and regret to the point he took in his victim's own son and raised him like his own. knowingly allowed him to cry into his shoulder and told him that it was going to be okay, he's here and that's all that matters when he was the one who took that gun and shot him.

and then people Hate him not because of all of that but because he is an Evil Abuser And Doesn't Regret What He Did At All Because He's Just That Evil.

[mcybree]

in celebration of me no longer being too afraid to say fuck all here’s my top 10 epic fh divorce moments compilation in an actual post

[empty-dream]

Wangwang... That bastard. I wish he'd told me that sooner. I miss him.

[tatatale]

ITSSGTDYODOFOYVOU

DREAM WAS THERE!

(Dream is my favorite)

The cute boomer! [x]

[aibouart]

admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS

i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).

i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.

nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"

---

i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.

i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.

i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.

i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).

but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.

but it wasn't worth the price for me.

so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.

ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?

of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??

in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".

anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)

anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.

[seaofreverie]

Sparkstember Day 21: Exotic Creatures Of The Deep (Strange Animal)

Some of you might already have some idea of how absolutely abnormal I am about this album and have been for several months, without fail. It's... perfect? And you know that personal relevance will also often be a total game changer in deciding what your ultimate favourites are and such. It's personal relevance of my own doing anyway, if I can call it that, you know those memes that go something like "it's MY mental breakdown and *I* chose the soundtrack!!". Oh yeah, that's what happened here. But even that aside I might never get over how much ECOTD is EVERYTHING I might want from an album and it has not lost its power with passing time even one bit. I'm wary to call anything a number one definitive favourite most of the time, but if I really had to choose... yeah, this is my favourite album of all time, there's absolutely no denying that.

Where do I even start with this... Well, coming back a bit to the LB - HYL - ECOTD series as a whole, I love how all three of them have so much in common and each one is some sort of natural development on the previous one, keeping its core elements but also adding new ones that are unique to the new album. And I guess the style of ECOTD is the one that ended up speaking to me the most. Toning it down a bit on the repetition aspect, adding more fancy synths, heavy drums, more guitar-based stuff continuing from HYL... And its still edgier and more electronic and darker and theatrical than the previous ones. Maybe I could even call it straight up COOL sounding (at least at times) in a way that the previous ones aren't (or not quite as much). (And that's not to say that they're all not icredibly cool in their own way anyway, but, you know.) None of these three are definitely better than the others for me by the way, but. Still, love the whole evolution here a lot.

And now, of course, a word on the craziest and most ambitious idea of the century, the 21×21 shows. I spent about a month, if not more, earlier this year going through what I'm quite sure must be the majority of what's been recorded from these shows, and I have no regrets. And yeah, one of the most impressive feats in the history of music, playing 21 albums in full day after day, but also can we please talk about the visualisations they put there to go with the albums. Catching glimpses of those album covers being comically stretched or rotated and such was a very important part of the whole experience. But yeah, Sparks Spectacular, it really is so spectacular.

I actually do have specific favourites on this album rather than being obsessed with it all the same amount, but I think it deserves special treatment just like Lil' Beethoven, so, let's go, going over all of them now. And I think it's better to just dive straight into them now anyway, in order to get a better hang of this whole album and why it's so brilliant and special to me.

Intro + Intro Reprise

I love you leitmotifs that reappear throughout the album and tie it all together. Such a good touch on what is imo the most cinematic of Sparks albums

Good Morning

This happened a couple of times to me with Sparks, when I first hear a song and I'm quite intrigued and delighted but that's mostly it. And then I hear it once more after a while and I'm never the same again from that point on. THIS!!!!!! SONG!!!!! I was so right that I would love all of ECOTD even more than anything before it based just on this. This is the Russell falsetto album by the way, that's important to note. I'm very impressed by this song in many ways. I like that it starts with this specific synth sound that's VERY characteristic of this whole album. And the fake ending... This song has LB and HYL all over it but it's also its own beautiful thing

Strange Animal

This song has an effect of "stopping in my tracks the moment I hear the first note" on me to be honest, another one of my forever and biggest favourites. Right up there with all the other rocking epics to the likes of Ugly Guys With Beautiful Girls, Dick Around and As I Sit Down To Play The Organ. Sparks going meta on music & being a musician is also always very cool to see

I Can't Believe That You Would Fall For All The Crap In This Song

My first impression of what would become my most listened to Sparks song was a "wait, this was supposed to be a Sparks-only playlist, am I still listening to Sparks??" But a couple more months passed and what can I say, I'm obsessed now (and have been for over half a year now). The Maels saying "fuck you" to love songs & pop songs cliches will always be one of my favourite things about them... While they're also actively alluding to and using those cliches to create something very effective. I'm sure that it being so similar to the type of electro pop songs that were getting lots of radio play in the late 00s is why I'm so drawn to the sound here. It's always all about that nostalgia effect, huh (and this album is the absolute PEAK of "oh god why are all these songs so nostalgic to me I've only known them for this relatively short amount of time")

Let The Monkey Drive

This song ends what is probably my favourite 4 consecutive songs run on any album ever. Each is so mindblowing but in a different way. Best thing about this song to me is its atmopshere. It's just SO tangible. Like, this IS driving past the speed limit on a highway in the middle of the night (we can ignore the rest of what's happening in the story here for a moment). Obsessed with Russell's voice here and also it's so great to me how such a minimalistic approach can be so effective in creating this whole very specific mental image. Just unsettling strings in the back and two notes (or repeating chords) on the piano that are sort of the most prominent "melody" here and that's all you need. The suspense, the understatedness of it all, I love it

I've Never Been High

One of the most Sparks-like of Sparks songs in a way? And another one where I could probably start coming up with lyrical interpretations for on the spot. Lots to think about regarding all of these songs to be honest. And I like how the rising piano notes at the end lead into the descending flute (?) melody at the start of the next song

(She Got Me) Pregnant

Honestly, I absolutely love this song, it's one of my favourites on the album, maybe top five material. And it somehow sounds exactly like how I could have imagined it to sound, based on just its premise, I don't really know how that works but it does, lmao. And who else would give you this sort of song if not Sparks, no one

Lighten Up, Morrissey

Glam rock bliss that does not clash with the rest of the album despite being pretty stylistically different from the rest of it. Quite saddening that it's the only song here that has a music video, when there's SO MUCH potential here, seriously, again, this whole album is so cinematic. I do quite like what we got here though, love this era of Sparks ALSO when it comes to the visual side of it all (I keep saying this over and over), but still, there's so much more we could have had, y'know

This Is The Renaissance

GOOD GOD, I LOVE THIS ONE, in love with it from the first listen. It's everything that makes this album so grand and one-of-a-kind in a nutshell. Among the top 10 Sparks songs that should have had a music video also. I have a pretty elaborate painting idea based on this song in mind, so I hope I'll be able to make it into reality at some point in the future

The Director Never Yelled 'Cut'

List of Sparks songs where movie-directing is used as an allegory of sex is somehow at least two songs long I've noticed (this + Love Scenes). Anyway, this one's a pretty heavy one to unpack so I don't think I can really do it justice today. Love it just like every other song on here though

Photoshop

Another one that could have had such a killer music video. Again, stripped-down arrangement that's just enough to hit you with the right amount of feels and overall one of the most killer Ron piano master moments overall, now that I think about it. The plea of "photoshop me out of your life" sounds pretty... on-the-nose out of context? But again, Sparks magic makes it work anyway! And the 21×21 performance is in my top 10 Sparks live moments of all time (I don't actually have a list like this but, maybe I should make it now)

Likeable

...This is the song of all time to me. Honestly, give me any song pondering the nature of what it means to love vs what it means to like someone and things of such nature and you have me hooked forever. But even that aside, musically speaking, it's just... perfection. Most cinematic Sparks song overall maybe, it's really just like a little movie, every moment is so perfectly timed and measured, I have no words honestly, for just, how incredible it all is. The melodic aspect now, it makes me so emotional, one of the most likely of Sparks song to make me cry, for real. I could start going over every different part of the song now but honestly, they're all just, equally amazing. Special shoutout to the waltz parts though, and the bridge. Oooohhh the bridge, when it all gets so intense, and then the main melody reappears with an acoustic guitar, it's just, peak of it all. And then the intro leitmotif comes back again and it's just?!?.?? My feelings on this song might even still not be fully comprehensible and clear to me. All in all, couldn't imagine a better album closer than this, hands down. And this song also closing the Sparks Spectacular series of shows, yeah (not counting the encore). Oh man. Oh maaannnnn. What a freaking ride.

[basket-of-radiants]

Ok hi!!!! I love all your takes on the characters and it's rlly interesting! I also think moash is a very nuanced and fascinating character. I'm kinda mad at him after he tried to convince Kal to k!ll himself but I think he's a great charcter with lots of depth and your pinned post was so interesting because it said so much about moash! Anyway sorry bye!!!

Hello!!! Thank you!! I apologize for inflicting that post on you, but I'm glad you read/enjoyed it! ty for letting me know <3<3<3

[loadinghellsing]

what is your least favorite thing about anderson 😈

the fact he doesn't wear socks.

There's "I don't give a fuck" energy, and then there's "fight genetically enhanced gun weilding Dracula in loafers without socks" energy.

This man seriously rolled out of bed, did the bare fuckin minimum. And said “yep. I can defeat the horrors like this”.

Edit: THAT'S PRESUMING HE CLEARED THE BOOKS FROM HIS BED AND DIDN'T JUST STAY UP ALL NIGHT READING

[prompt-master]

I love spm so fuckin much but it's hilarious seeing people praise Dimentio because he was "such a surprise" of a twist villian because I KNOW the people saying that haven't played the game since they were kids

Dimentio betraying Bleck wasn't surprising, we were all just kids who couldn't pick up on context clues even when Dimentio had entire aside scenes to insinuate he's stringing you along

[iridescentmirrorsgenshin]

Alhaitham and Kaveh - not 'friends' but 'roommates'

(This is a reworked excerpt taken from my Haikaveh essay! If you're interested you can check it out here or as a pdf <3)

Due to Chinese game restrictions, explicit mentions of homosexuality or overt queer references have resulted in less implicit ways of conveying queer relationships or characters. Therefore, same-sex characters in romantic relationships are assigned the platonic status of “best friend” or “friends”.

As such, these restrictions can be used as guidelines in establishing queercoding within Genshin Impact. It is of note, however, that this rule does not mean that all characters who are canonically “friends” are in a romantic same-sex relationship. Differentiating between same-sex couples and platonic friends (who have all been assigned the label ‘friends’) can be done by identifying particular care undertaken to ‘style’ characters. This is done so by queercoding, as in, using taboos linked to queerness; references which point to romantic connotation; or omitting certain details which casts obscurity on the nature of their ‘friendship’.

Alhaitham and Kaveh’s relationship has been styled in this way, as although various titles have been given to their relationship status, there has been no definitive term supplied overall. Alhaitham tells the Traveller that the two are “roommates”, with Kaveh confirming this, although stating that they “used to be friend(s), but not anymore”.

Within Kaveh’s Character Stories, their history as “best friends” is a painful one of separation, which can be seen as akin to a break-up, and despite their lack of status as ‘friends’, the two share an intimate knowledge of the other that no other character is privy too.

Condensing their relationship down to ‘roommates’ is an oversimplification that the narrative challenges the player to question.

This is achieved through their rapport with each other, seen within Alhaitham purposefully goading Kaveh, something which he cannot be seen to do persistently with any other character, as well as Kaveh’s unique reactions to Alhaitham, which present a side to him unlike which can be observed in his interactions with others. Additionally, the two mention the other without them present, as Alhaitham mentions Kaveh unprompted twice within the Archon Quest and once within his Story Quest, and Kaveh is prone to discussing Alhaitham with those who are aware of them living together, as Collei observes: “Seems like you always include him in the conversation, even when he isn’t here…”

When the two confirm themselves to be roommates, this is immediately followed by Paimon asking Kaveh if they are friends, to which Kaveh does not give a definitive answer too. When Paimon asks Alhaitham the same question in the Archon Quest, Alhaitham evades the question, and turns it back on Paimon, who notes that “[she] doesn’t know. That’s why [she’s] asking,” to which Alhaitham then describes Kaveh as his roommate. Although, this still is an evasion of Paimon’s initial question, Alhaitham neither denies nor confirms their friendship status. The status of their relationship is constantly called into question, for the characters they interact with, and for the player.

This casts an ambiguity over their relationship which aligns with Chinese gaming regulations in regard to same-sex couples, which in turn, points to a certain ‘styling’ of relationship which differs from general platonic friendships within the game. Where both platonic friendships and same-sex relationships can only be openly dubbed as ‘friendship’, signifiers must be present in order to differentiate these platonic friendships from the non-platonic.

Obscurity of relationship status can be used to do so – where characters are not explicitly “friends”, but are evidently tied to each other in some way, more than their assigned platonic status. Here, Kaveh and Alhaitham are irrevocably connected beyond their “roommate” status, and although they are not currently described as “friends”, they used to be, “best friends” according to Kaveh’s Character Stories, which creates a gap for interpretation.

The player is encouraged to interpret the reason for the two’s parting of ways, along with the reason for their current rapport. Although Kaveh asserts that there is a mutual “disdain” between the two, Kaveh observably talks about Alhaitham enough for Tighnari to assert: “No dinner with Kaveh is complete without a few words about Alhaitham." Rather than out of disdain, it can be surmised that Kaveh talks about Alhaitham due to the fact that he cares, as he states that the reason he has so many troubles regarding his work is because he cares so much about it.

When paralleled with his troubles with Alhaitham, being that Alhaitham finds a way to “infuriate” him every time they talk, it can be inferred that Kaveh’s approach to dealing with his work is the same as to how he deals with Alhaitham.

If Kaveh’s assertation that the “disdain” between the two of them was true, then there is no basis for him to talk about Alhaitham as much as he does. This is due to his attitude in caring about something results in him verbally expounding the problem, the same behaviour he exhibits when dealing with Alhaitham. By his own reasoning, if Kaveh did not care about Alhaitham, he would not be so “infuriate[d]” by his words.

In turn, the player can see Alhaitham’s care of Kaveh manifest in his concern for Kaveh’s wellbeing within A Parade of Providence. In this sense, the rapport the two have currently which the narrative prompts the player to question can be explained. The two hold a mutual concern and care for the other, but due to elements in their past, they cannot address this, and thus it goes unspoken. The same can be said about the explicit status of their relationship, as no canon label applied to the two can truly explain their relationship, with ‘roommates’ being a clear oversimplification of their bond, and always followed up with the question of their friendship.

Alhaitham and Kaveh’s status as ‘friends’ is disrupted, not only due to the canon ending of their friendship in the past, but also in the current narrative of the game due to this refused label. Alhaitham and Kaveh do not adhere to the status of ‘friends’, either evading it (Alhaitham) or outright denying it (Kaveh), however, their bond remains central to each of their respective narratives, so much so that their differing viewpoints are integral to the other.

Alhaitham and Kaveh have been designed so that they are integral to each other, and the obscurity of their relationship acts as a signifier that their bond is not of a typical platonic friendship.

In Chinese gaming restrictions regulating platonic bonds and romantic bonds between same-sex characters as strictly ‘friendship’, Genshin Impact can be seen to subvert this in order to queercode. By creating an obscure bond between a same-sex relationship, a bond which the game constantly calls into question, a silence has been generated as to what the status of the relationship really is. The depth to Alhaitham and Kaveh’s relationship and the unspoken nature of it alludes to the queer taboo, in that its inability to be definitively labelled generates an otherness than that of an easily understood platonic bond.

[suntails]

i drew myself some silvil food bc im dying in ‘lack of content.’ i am Begging someone else to care abt this ship with me. silvil nation has so much potential i Swear i Promise