#one more after that + my thesis project and guess whos gonna graduate :^)

[strayheat]

is it normal to stress about if your code is going to work right before you run it to the point you can feel your guts moving on their own

[madscientistenthusiast]

Making this post so i can organize my full Theory with Flug's character and my theories about him, especially since the addition to my post unfortunately never gets rebloged with the first part and it's an important part of it, putting it under a cut cause this is gonna be a long one and i hate taking up people's entire dash, hope yall enjoy :)

Dr. Kenning Flugslys has a problem with Jealousy, he grew up in a Military family, which consisted of his Father, Mother, and older Brother. His Father wasnt around often, being quite a bit of a Workoholic, something which Flug unfortunately inherited. His Mother largely ignored him, having a clear preference for his older brother, as he was sort of an accident. He's a problem child at school, being incredibly intelligent, he was often bored with his work and would do other things to entertain himself, which pissed his teachers off.

He'd often do things to try and impress his parents, hoping they'd give him some sort of affection, but they never did. This harbored a anger towards his Brother, as in his young mind he decided thst its his Brother taking all of the attention, rather than his parent's horrid parenting and knowing mistreatment toward him, thus beginning the cycle.

When he was I'd say maybe 15-16? He received a letter, an invitation, that someone had seen his potential to be a powerful Villain, and invited him to attend Hat Academy, and he takes the opportunity. He's unfortunately an outcast at the Academy, as most of the attendees are Legacy Villain, who are following in the footsteps of their parents, this causing a sense of superiority towards students who did not come from Villain families. Despite this he's very successful, and is very much so growing to be a very successful Villain. He eventually is befriended by another Student, a Legacy Villain named Cecelia, she treats him with more kindness than most of the other students, and they become fast friends, he quickly gains a crush on her. Unfortunately issues come to pass. And Cecelia learns of a powerful new up and coming hero, Goldheart. she becomes infatuated, eventually leaving the Academy entirely to go pursue him, and stealing a part of Flug's Thesis project in the process. We won't go into what happens her, as we know already. But Flug is devastated, but instead of Blaming his "friend" who so quickly took advantage of and abandon him at the drop of a hat, he blamed the Hero she left for, Thus continuing his unfortunate cycle.

When he graduates, he decides to go to the city in which Goldheart resides, and in a attempt to prove himself as I guess a "worthy" person for Cecelia, he takes up residence as a Villain of the city. He spends a couple years there, getting quite a bit of a reputation, and is quite successful, even so considering Goldheart his ArchNemesis, perhaps this was just his Ego getting in the way, maybe Goldheart also considered him his Archnemesis, and a Threat, but we at least know the Media didn't exactly take him seriously.

I honestly think this may be on purpose, ridicule him to keep the citizens oblivious to his actual threat, maybe he was kind of a joke, who knows. But Flug is clearly intelligent enough to gain the Attention of Black Hat himself. So one night, after a battle, Flug flees in his Plane, this is usually a normal end to these fights, with him tucking tail and running. But unfortunately something disrupts this, and his plane crashes into Hat Island. Flug appears to be a talented Pilot. I believe if this is how it went, this was orchestrated on Black Hat's end, as a way to forcing Flug into his Debt.

And here we are, in the current time of the story, and Flug is still angry, still dissatisfied and still Jealous of those around him, Often Blaming Demencia for Black Hat's anger towards him, considering her as the reason for their mistakes, and "messing up" his plans, causing him to never receive praise from the person he wants it from.

And the Cycle continues, he continues to blame the innocent in the multiple situations, wanting praise, affection, just anything from those he looks up to or cares about, he never sees where hes wrong, where he should be angry at those who withhold those things from him from him, simply to hurt him or get things from him, but he never does, and they escaping their guilty verdict.

[tangerinegod]

Hello! I am sorry to bother you but I am a senior getting ready for college this year. I am in the US and I wanted to major in the same thing you did, do you have any possible tips for me? I still haven't even looked for colleges that would be best for animation majors so I figured if you were up to giving out any tips/saying any basic ideas if you wanted to/if you had the time to then maybe I'll have a better idea! I apologise for if I sound weird! I'm tried to word it correctly but I can't 😿

hi!! i’m totally down to share my experiences! someone else also had some questions so i’m going to put them all together in this post haha, hopefully this helps! it’ll get pretty long so apologies ahead of time but art school is a lot to think about so i wanna be as helpful as i can around it, its a lot of time and money. I’m gonna put it all under a read more cus it is really really long!

i wanna start off with the fact that I had the privilege of attending school in a financially stable environment, my parents were/are really supportive so w merit scholarship i only came out with around 20-30k in debt and i also had housing support my entire time in school. they were ok with me focusing on academics so i didn’t hold a retail job unless i was out of school like summer/winter break. Ofc though i regularly take commissions/do merch/cons to try and pay for all bills that arent rent cus i did want to be financially independent where it was possible. I also did try and work during the semester but everytime i did my body would deff start to breakdown from the fact that i didnt wanna compromise schoolwork with jobs.. so just read ahead know this experience is from a student who was able to attend focusing only on school work for most of the time!

the biggest thing is knowing art school is not required to become a professional in either freelancing or industry! there are a huuuge amount of online tools and classes these days that provide the exact same education and for cheaper too. i think it depends on what experience you prefer/can handle/want but it’s definitely possible to make art/animation art your living without higher education. the thing that college will for sure give you though is the ability to meet deadlines, work even when you dont want to, and connections with peers+teachers. i think the connections part is invaluable because you’re basically coming out with a network of people you already know and who know you! 

also its good to know if you want to attend/can handle art school! it’s a lot of time and energy and students get burned out really fast. the best piece of advice i got before going was ‘if you draw every single day, even if its for only like 5-10 minutes or a doodle for a whole year you should be fine’ consistency is super key because you’re attending school to draw, and you’ll have to create work for stuff you aren’t excited for at some point or another. burnout is extremely real and the only reason i didn’t experience it was probably because i got super into drawing naruto fanart again inbetween sophomore and junior year! it helped give me something to draw seperated from school which is the only thing i was drawing for since i had entered rip. a heads up id also consider myself a workaholic so i fit in ok with the ‘art school’ environment but it is suuper unhealthy. if you are fantastic at managing your schedule then it’s definitely possible to take care of yourself! freshman year i got 8 hours a sleep a night and only pulled all nighters for some second semester finals at the end. sophomore year + up though i ended up prioritizing hw over sleep and like for sure, definitely shortened my life span. there’s another q down below where i’ll go more into detail but ya, be careful w ur work balance!

another tip especially for animation is knowing for a fact what type of animation you’re looking to go into, and what the school is offering. I didn’t think i’d get into art school at the time so i only applied to two places + decided if i didnt get into either id attend community to get credits out of the way while building portfolio. honestly? i did not do a lot of research LOL but like i did end up having the chance to tour and stuff! just know that each school will have a very different curriculum. The main differences are schools that prioritize 3D (cg animation, cg modeling, ect) and 2D/traditional (hand drawn, ‘oldschool’, digital or traditional based) this is a huge difference so make sure you do research for it! in most cases a 2D/traditional program will also offer 3D since it’s at the forefront of the industry animation wise rn. My school taught 2D but like hand drawn on physical paper 2D, frame by frame. while it was a good experience it’s super outdated because digital tools make it way faster + easier! i’d recommend looking for a program that is digital 2D over traditional 2D. 

if after your senior year covid is still affecting campuses in the US to keep them shut down i’d recommend attending a community college to get credits and then transferring into school. one of the negatives is paying money for gened classes when ur not there for them; if you can get them out of the way sooner and cheaper there is absolutely no negative + you could graduate earlier or use the extra time for better work or to work a job! 

these are all the general tips i think i’d give on like a broad basis of attending or not to think about? let me know if u have more q’s! someone asked q’s im answering below that go more into personal experiences + work culture so heres those:

- how many hours a week do u spend studying, in class, otherwise making art? like how much of ur life does it consume?

I was basically working on art.... 24/7! since i wasnt working a job at the same time i crammed as many credits as possible into my schedule so on avg i did 18 credit semesters (around 6 classes) art classes go for 6 hours and non art go for 3, so i’d spent around 30-35 hours in class a week! hw wise it varied on the class but combined it would be around 35-50 hours a week... im guessing? on average studio classes would have 8-10 hours of hw, maybe 5 for a light week, and gened classes 5 hours w them all combined. or this was probably how things were before junior year? junior+senior year i had thesis + everything else ontop.. i’d spend around 30-40 hours on thesis a week with other classes ontop of that bc my film was super long cus im a dummy! 

- is it hard going to art school n realising that altho u were probably quite talented… so is everyone else? Like. all of a sudden. ur not special and everyone seems as good as u, you know? More generally, how do u deal with comparison?

kinda?? i think instead of the idea of like you vs others it feels more of like a competition at first to be the best. this varies hugely on school culture though; my animation year was really friendly with each other and get along extremely well, so my answer to this is v different than some others who attended different schools. i think that the idea of ‘comparison’ only lasts a portion of the first year because at some point you realize that it’s not a who’s better as much as its a ‘these are my coworkers’ type thing? like healthy competition 100% because we’re all working to improve but i think most of us learned pretty early on that viewing each other as peers going into the same workforce helped a lot. also at some point everyone develops their own style/starts to develop their artistic preferences so there isn’t a way to compare whos 'better’ anymore? i dont think there ever is tbh because style is appealing based off of an individuals preferences. If anything realizing everyone else is also amazing makes you wanna work harder ig? or thats how i felt! it’s inspiring to be surrounded by so many people who create such amazing work. 

- is there a lot of workaholic culture? all nighter culture?

100000% there can be a workaholic and all nighter culture. i know people who avoided it and thats honestly fantastic because i fall super easily into that pit. sometimes i’ll pull all nighters on a personal project just because i really want to finish it... i am definitely considered a workaholic all the way through and its not healthy rip... i’d estimate at the worst i was pulling 2-3 all nighters a week and only 4-5 hours of sleep on the nights i didn’t? that was only for one year tho, after that i was like yeah ok this is really bad for my health in the long run LOL so i tried to cut it down to one all nighter a week and around 5-6 hours of sleep the rest of the week! by senior year my decision to cram in full semesters paid off and i was able to consistently get around 7 hours of sleep a night + no all nighters minus finals since my schedule was lighter despite thesis 😭 while there is that culture i don’t think people view it as like a badge of honor or something to be proud of anymore which is good, we mostly view it as a flaw of the art school system and something that needs to be fixed!!

- are you glad u did it? how did u know it was what u wanted?

i am glad i did it! i’m definitely in a limbo right now of if it was worth both my time, money, and my parents money rip but i think with what i got out of it i definitely wouldn’t be as far skill wise or knowledge wise when it comes to the art industry. i would say it was only worth it for be because i had so much support going in though so i was able to focus so much on improving. if i had only been able to put in part of the effort and not make full use of the resources provided i would honestly have a different answer.. 

i knew it was what i wanted when i realized i really couldn’t see myself pursuing a different profession happily! despite all the bumps and stuff im fully in love with drawing still and feel honored that it’s a field that can provide a living. my second profession choice was to go into culinary school? and third option i think going was into music cus i was also a band kid hehe.  

- how do u cope with ur hobby becoming ur job? how do u deal with art going from something u do for fun to something u do on command constantly?

i think seperating work art from personal art is important! in my case im doubling naruto into being personal work so i have something to fall back onto that isn’t work related. its been a hyperfixation for 12+ years? so drawing it at this point is just like personal art imo. some people have hobbies outside of art and only draw for their job! i think after attending classes for so long the idea of hobby turning into job feels extremely natural? also i enjoy doing it so thats a huge plus! 

sorry this is SO long but i hope i answered your guys’ questions! if you have more just lmk!

[harry-leroy]

Jan. 18th, 2020 // Opera, and Huxley, and new semesters, oh my! 

Going to be trying a thing on Fridays where I give a little academic update for the week. Kinda studyblr-esque but not exactly since I don’t really consider this blog to be a studyblr in a strict sense. Also a lot of my mutuals on here are also academics (or maybe some of y’all out there are looking forward to studying at university and want something to look into for some insight?), so I figured that this might be fun (or at the very least perhaps something for my own records). 

This isn’t meant to be rantish, but I’m gonna give an honest viewpoint into university life from my perspective (with all of its ups and downs and in-betweens), so buckle up and as I like to say on my blog, on y va! 

This week was the first week back at university for the spring semester of my second year, and it was a weird week for sure. I feel like most people have felt this way about this week, (and about this year tbh). I’m beginning to realize that I’ve got an academic niche, and perhaps that’s a good thing, but it might be too early to tell. Currently, I’m taking a class on Modern Britain and I feel so out of my depth. The class is terribly small (twelve of us in that class!) so the professor is able to keep track of participation pretty well, and my brain just isn’t grasping onto this subject as well as I thought it would. It’s frustrating to say the least. I’m also taking the second half of my two-semester honors class after taking a break last semester to take some theatre classes, and we’re hitting it right off with some Spinoza. Class discussion has been slow, but I’m hoping that more people will participate so I don’t feel like the only one talking! The first week always has me feeling incredibly scattered, and it always gets better fairly quick into the semester, but I’m hoping that feeling of security in my abilities and focus comes soon! 

English classes have started off pretty well and I’m trying to wrap my head around some honors projects that I want to undertake this semester. For my premodern lit class I’m thinking about something involving a study of how the law functions in Shakespeare’s Love’s Labour’s Lost. I’ve noticed that while the law sounds strict in its original detail, it doesn’t actually become that strict in practice, which might be something to look into. I’m also going to be reading Robert Louis Stevenson’s novel The Black Arrow and doing a project on it for my Victorian Young-Adult lit class. That project will become more detailed once I read it. My professor for my Victorian lit class (who was the same professor I worked on #ProjectAriel with) realizes that Victorian lit isn’t really my area, and I was like ‘yeah, you’re right’. It isn’t my area. 

I decided over break that I want to pursue grad school (after some several semesters of debating it), but I want to get into a good grad school. I’ll be totally honest: I don’t love the university that I’m at now. So far, I have not been challenged much academically and nearly everything has been an easy A+ (and I’ve taken several classes in the 400 level for my major - and if I got an A it was only because that professor didn’t give any A+s to anyone) *knocks on wood though, just in case*. At the same time, my university is notoriously easy to get into, so I have no idea how I’d rank against other students who are in perhaps more difficult programs than I am. I’ve had professors who have offered to write me rec letters for grad school, which is encouraging (like, I didn’t have to ask them for it!). My Shakespeare professor from last year offered to do this for me, and he studied for his undergrad and graduate degrees at Cambridge, so I guess that’s good? Again, I have no idea where that puts me, because of the  notoriously easy school that I’m at. It also probably doesn’t help that the amount of professors in the English department who specialize in Early Modern lit is a rather small number. (But we’ve got Ayanna Thompson and that’s all that matters :’) )  - she said that she was interested in my thesis work for when the time came around (again, I’ve got about another year before that will start up). If any of y’all are in English grad programs, any advice or direction would be wonderful. And just to make it clear, this isn’t to show off my accomplishments in any way. I feel incredibly unstable in this process because I don’t really have any other students my age at my university to compare myself to. This whole thing has my brain in like 9,000 different pieces. I’m in sore need to guidance and direction. 

On that note, I was debating doing a history minor, but based on how this Modern Britain class is going right now and the fact that the minor itself is quite broad, I decided against it. So I’m just going to be a lit major, which has me feeling like I’m not doing enough, but then again, I think I’ve found my niche. I’ve found what I like to study, and the broadness of this history minor doesn’t really fit into that. I’m hoping it’s the right choice! 

Currently wrapping up Huxley’s Crome Yellow (which I’m tempted to turn into a little script adaptation for its 100th anniversary coming up next year). The book is incredibly humorous, but also incredibly long-winded, even in the shorter length of the novel itself. It would require a bit of moving things around to make it more dramatically interesting, but I’m up to the challenge. I also just finished Puccini’s Madama Butterfly. I would love to possibly do a study into Madama Butterfly herself, along with Nora from A Doll’s House, Lady Windermere and Mrs. Erlynne from Lady Windermere’s Fan, and Rachel from A Woman of No Importance and examine the agency they took against their somewhat similar situations in their stories. They all come from works of the 1870s-1910s, so that’s where my brain went. Next Friday, I should have watched Billy Budd (which I am incredibly excited to watch after listening to Ian Bostridge and Sir Simon Keenlyside talk about it). Speaking of Ian Bostridge, he’s having a concert next week in my state like two hours south of me that’s free so that’s fun. I won’t be able to go, but I’m hoping that there will be another opportunity to hear him live! 

Anyway, this probably became somewhat rantish, but these are most of the things moving around in my academic world right now! 

[sundaynightnovels]

11/11/11

i was tagged by @cawolters for this questionnaire!! thank you for remembering me <3 and for tagging me in this because this set of questions seem quite fun to do!! 1. If your OC(s) had a car, what would it be? Model, paint job, decorations, gas/electric/hybrid?

Oh no. Ohhh no. I might have to quietly excuse myself from this question... I can barely recognise the different car brands, much less talk about... whatever else you’re asking me to in the question.  i’m sorry, i’ll see myself out. 2. What parts of your OCs’ personality have come from your own?

i don’t base my OCs on myself!! but after writing them for a while and yknow, ruminating about it after tons of questions on the topic... i guess... i see some parts of my personality emerge in some of them. in terms of laziness, i am totally Zhen. i am hella lazy. i wouldn’t leave the house if i can help it. my friends know that, since i’ve been dutifully going to school every weekday of the week from 9 to 6 just to finish our thesis project over these past few months (since last year), they’re not going to be seeing much of me in april after the project is over. i am GOING HOME IMMEDIATELY AFTER CLASS. NOT GOING TO SCHOOL WHEN I HAVE NONE. you want me to go out and meet my friends? pfffft fat chance, i’m going to be staying at home and reacquainting my ass to my bed. and do you think i’ll actually be productive at home? naaaah. gonna be watching all my shows and lying in bed and basically rotting at home and pondering about the existence of my future after graduation and weeping in bed because of it. so yea, i’m completely zhen. 

i also love to eat, like lu!! but i’m quite picky, unlike lu, and my appetite has become smaller over the years, so i can’t eat as much as i used to. but it’s still a big part of my personality! i love food!! i want food right now!! i can be dramatic like shou / teng, but while theirs is more of a... sincere, genuine kind of dramatic, i just do it for fun, like for dramatic purposes yknow, so that’s more like jun. i overreact just for fun, and sometimes my friends think i’m really so dramatic (rolls eyes they don’t know me well enough!!) but it’s really just entertaining to myself. i’m also like jun in the sense that i can be really really deadpan and unresponsive, especially if i’m not close to you / not comfortable around you. other than that, hmmm. i can think of more, some deeper stuff, but not gonna talk about it now! you don’t want to see me cry, do you?? (just kidding, i won’t. probably. hopefully.) 3. And what parts of your OCs’ personalities do you wish you had?

oh, i wish i had shou’s genuine, innocent love for people and society in general. it’s hard to be that way, and it’s just so pure. i also hope to have yu(f)’s determination and motivation, because as i said earlier, i’m hella lazy and am a huge procrastinator. i wish for jia’s confidence and zhen’s disregard for anything that’s not important (i’m too easily affected by things), and to be as easygoing as ren / jun and as kind as teng.  my OCs are such great people really, i’d love to know them in real life.

4. What is your favorite joke in your WIP/stories?

AHH i don’t know. i think everything is great (i mean, i wrote them, ahem ahem). i really really don’t know. my OCs are all a joke tbh, and they’re my favourite jokes.  (awww is that too mushyyy well too bad it’s true) 5. Do you have any jokes that you want to include, but can’t figure out how to? What are they?

Please. my wip is a mess because i include everything and anything that i can. haven’t included much innuendo, but that’s all going to be piled into jun’s backstory . (okay fine, not that many, but still)

i also really really like self-referential jokes, like meta stuff yknow, but i’ve actually included a tiny bit of that in my wip. all said by jun. and it’s very very vague, but i enjoy it anyway.

6. What does your OC do when they get annoyed? Angry? Pissed?

let’s go with ‘pissed’, because in my wip itself my OCs get annoyed a lot (i mean... you see who they have to deal with and you’ll understand), so it’s not as fun talking about it.

zhen would be really really really scary, like murderous scary because she doesn’t get pissed often, if ever (she’s a pretty chill girl) and like, i don’t know exactly what she’ll do to you but you’ll cry. you’ll wish you had never met her. just, don’t.

shou is scary too, and he fights really well, and if your ‘pissing him off’ triggers him to fight, well, you’re gonna get your ass kicked. 

lu’s a small kid, so he often feels powerless, and if he gets really pissed he might shout, he might yell, but very likely after all of that venting, he’ll cry, and he’ll be doubly upset about that.

yu(f) would scream at you, like you’re going to suffer critical damage because she’s not going to hold anything back. she’ll feel bad about it afterwards, but in the midst of everything, she’s not going to hold back and you’re going to feel really bad about yourself

ren is nice. too nice. he’ll stand up for others, and if he scolds you, it’ll be more in a really serious lecturing kinda way, like you’ve disappointed the person you respect the most and you’ll feel bad, not because of him, but because of yourself and your own doings. 

teng wouldn’t scold you, because if ren’s nice, teng’s the epitome of nice. and he’s kind, so he wouldn’t want to hurt you. he’ll keep it to himself and maybe cry about it to someone else later.

jun would probably shut down. i mean, his emotions are usually already pretty closed off, but if he’s really pissed, he doesn’t like to show his emotions and he’ll probably shut down really quickly. he only attacks you if there’s something he wants you to do, so yea.

yu(m) would get all quiet and serious and he’ll probably walk away. he won’t engage, and he’s not the type to explode, but he also won’t take this kind of shit from people and he’ll just walk it off. most mature OC tbh.

7. What is the theme song of one of your supporting characters?

all my characters are pretty main! i can’t answer this! they all are main and they all support one another!

8. If given a bouquet of flowers, how would your OC react?

i’ll just talk about the significant reactions. teng will cry out of joy and happiness and he’ll immediately propose to whoever who gave him the bouquet of flowers and promise a ton of things because his love is finally here!!!

9. What was one of your most grounded moments in one of your WIPs?

my whole wip is pretty grounded. like... okay i can think of a lot of moments though. shou talking about life with jun, shou talking about stuffs with lu, shou talking about more things with teng...

i mean, it’s mostly all with shou because, yknow. he talks, and thinks, a lot. also, he’s considered the main MAIN character so yea.

10. What resources do you use for brainstorming new characters?

mostly thinking about what characters i like and drawing inspiration from there!

11. What format do you think would be really interesting for your story (going from, say, text in chapter to illustrations, journal entries, poems, cassette recordings, etc) besides what you’d originally planned for?

i have no idea right now! probably a comic series, because yknow their interactions are great to write about and i love to see them illustrated!

i’m not going to give more questions so yall can use the above questions! i’m just going to be tagging a few people like @kaigods @aslanwrites @insearchof-solace @incandescent-creativity

[dragobsessedandposessed]

Lets talk about growth.

August 2016. I’m starting my sophomore year in undergrad. Last semester, I had my revelation and dove into the two Earth Sciences intro courses. I’m starting my first advanced core course in the curriculum. Geochemistry. It’s a 300 level.

I walk in the room, early as always, for the first day of class. New faces stream in. Nobody sits next to me. I sat in the first table in front of the door. Two minutes before class starts a senior rushes in and slides into the seat next to me and warmly introduces herself. Sophia.

The first Wednesday lab there are trays of six rocks and ten minerals, unlabeled. Half the class has taken min/pet (the class about rocks and minerals). Half the class has not. We are told we need to get reasonably familiar with these specimens so we can have context for the geochemistry course content. We get a mini lecture on rock and mineral ID. We do a lab. Sophia can pick everything up and just say “sodium rich plag(ioclase)”. I am completely lost. She tries to walk me through but I don’t get it. I can’t see it. What’s cleavage? Is this greasy or vitreous lustre? Did this streak or not?

I am frustrated. We are told we have a quiz on Friday. I email the prof and ask if she can meet in private. She emails the class and invites anybody. Six people show up. She stays with me and one other girl until 5:30. I’m still struggling but I’ve come up with little cheat cheats for remembering the obvious ones.

I am frustrated and it is obvious. Misty eyes and everything. My professor sits down next to me and says “I know it feels kinda like drinking out of a firehose right now. It’s a lot of information to throw at you. The only reason I can do this is because I’ve spent years locked in a basement with these guys. It takes time. And practice. Hah! And I’m not giving you those!”

She was trying to make me feel better. But I was mortified that I had let a professor see me so frustrated and teary eyed. I thought she thought I was a child. But really, I was frustrated with not knowing how to handle struggling in school. It never happened before. My grades were inconsistent on the first couple labs. My exam grades fine. But it was the hardest class I ever had taken. And it was enthralling. Every day at lunch I’d say to my friends “my brain explodes out of my head like twenty times a class!” I was desparate to learn. I put in the work. I read the textbook paragraph by paragraph, trying to absorb. I watched youtube videos to help me.

Our final project was a mercury research project of our own design. Soph was my partner. And now one of my best friends. She introduced me to the other students in the department, who are all awesome, and things get warmer. I have this idea to study soils at a site related to my job. The prof is completely into it and thinks it’s really exciting. And she knows it’s really my project, even if Soph is my partner. I still think she thinks I’m a failure.

She is so enthusiastic about this dang project. Keeps dropping hints “you know if you wanted to continue this project I’d support you. I mean you already know how to use the instrument and I could get you keys to the lab from Deb.” “This could really be a thesis.” She and I talk about my job. She has this idea about strontium isotopes and we talk about it on a couple occasions. She says that if we did it, she’d take me with her to the lab where she does all her research. Fly out to Arizona in the summer. Between these conversations I got questions wrong on assignments and labs and exams. I said inelegant things. I thought she thought I was stupid.

I convinced myself. In spite of all evidence. That I was stupid and doing everything wrong. But I simultaneously became so sure that this was everything I wanted to do with my life. I have a post saved in my drafts from that semester. It says “I know what I want to do in my life. Geochemistry. Specifically isotope geochemistry. I love it and it’s all I want to do”. But I thought I wasn’t good enough while so desparate to be.

And it was all lies. I was lying to myself. I was too hard on myself.

It’s the first day of 2019. That august when I was almost crying over a box of rocks is two and a half years behind me. What’s happened since then?

The very next semester that professor called me into her office. She told me I was on the top of her list to join a project the Smithsonian contacted her about. I dove in. She flew me to Arizona and I did that lab work. I took that project to two professional conferences. At the first, I gave a poster. At the second, I had a 15 minute talk in the middle of a 4 hour session with 20 minutes for cumulative questions at the end. Every. Question. Was for me. I am first author on a peer reviewed scientific paper on that project.

She was thrilled to be my thesis advisor on a completely different project starting one year later. More isotope geochemistry. I flew to Arizona for a second time. That project had so many ups and downs. So many successes and failures. But it never got me down, truly. It was hard, but I never doubted that I could make it work through the frustrations and confusions. I’m getting honors on my senior research thesis. The department gave me not one but two awards for my research. I wrote and got fully funded three grants for that project.

I had the guts to apply for a research expedition to the remote arcitc. I got accepted. I went. It was hard. But incredible. Stunning. I presented that at a conference too. I’m writing my second peer reviewed publication now. I haven’t graduated from my undergrad.

Every single one of my professors individually approached me and told me I should be applying to a hyper-competitive national fellowship because they think I stand a real chance. I submitted my application in October. Fingers crossed till April!

I also took the rocks and minerals class. I was the teaching assistant for Geochemistry this past semester. The first time it’s been offered since I took it. The professor and I walked among the tables as students were struggling through their packets. I sat down with people and guided their eyes until they saw it. I shared my story with them. It resonated.

I’ve had a career/course request/grad school chat with probably every single junior and sophomore in the department because they come to me for advice. They recognize me as someone relatable but successful. That means everything to me.

And guess what? Here I am, applying to graduate school. In what? Isotope geochemistry. I was right, two and a half years ago, about one thing. Not that I was stupid or unworthy or incapable. Certainly not that my professor hated me. She’s said multiple times that she hates sitting through graduation but isn’t going to make any excuses this year because she needs to cry as I walk across the stage. I was right that isotope geochemistry is gonna be my life. I’ve already made it my life for two whole years. Every professor I’ve interviewed with has told me know impressive my research experience is. They wonder why I’m doing an M.S. and not a PhD. I emailed one the other day telling her I don’t plan on applying to her program because she can’t offer me an M.S., and she wished me the best and told me to get back in touch if I want a PhD after my M.S.

And guess what? I can look at myself in the mirror and say “you are amazing. Look what you’ve accomplished. I am proud of you and all that you’ve done. You are driven and strong and smart and take advantage of every last opportunity. You are deserving of everything you’ve achieved. You are loved, respected, and appreciated. Never doubt yourself. You’ve proved yourself.” And that is so so sweet. I’m still hard on myself, but it’s because I know I’m so capable. And it doesn’t get me down, it moves me forward. And it doesn’t stop me from acknowledging my accomplishments. That was my pitfall two and a half years ago.

So for 2019, I want a continuance. I will continue to be staunch and self-assured, even in the face of rejection. I will make the best decisions for myself because I wholly deserve it. I will be kind to myself. I have lots of great adventures in store. Lots to look forward to. So much potential. I speak this into existence in 2019. And I will practice it.

[eallisnwndrlnd]

Moving On From 2018

One thing I can say that I love about New Years is that it’s like life feels like it gave you a bit of a reset button. Not erasing anything but at least working towards improving what you did or didn’t do the past year. I definitely need that reset for this past year 2018. 

Most of the year was in a bit of a stressful blur. I’m not going to bother reflecting on my previous New Years post since most of what I had hoped to come into fruition didn’t. All I can say is despite my battle with my depression and anxiety being the major factor in my stressed out year, I managed to accomplish some things. May not have been most of what I had planned but hey, that’s life sometimes. 

This past 2018 I completed my 3rd year, completed my internship hours and my first semester of my last school year in college. 

Even if I didn’t get in any of the companies I may have wished for my internship, I was lucky to find a company where I had a chance to utilize my skills and creativity in my writing and photography. It was pretty stressful initially when I was not getting any response from any of the fifteen companies I applied to. Thankfully it all worked out in the end. I even had fun and made it feel like a vacation with a classmate that became roommate and friend. I was feeling less claustrophobic when I was in our shared apartment in BGC, Taguig, away from the many reasons for my stress and anxiety. I was able to let myself forget about it at least during those short two months during break. 

Going straight into the start of 4th year with unresolved issues and things that needed to be done, my stress and anxiety kicked into overdrive as schoolwork and personal issues at home gradually stacked up against me. By the end of the semester I was completely wound tight and sensitive as hell where I felt at any moment I could break. There were some close calls close to the end that’s for sure. Especially with some family drama that nearly buried me in an emotional quicksand. I ended up breaking down in front of my teacher for thesis because I thoroughly let myself down on that one. I was in no shape to complete it in time for the scheduled defense that was a few weeks ago. When it all comes down to it, no one is harder on me than myself. I put the high expectations on me and when I don’t meet them or make a mistake or complete it short of perfection, I dwell on it to no end. Then there was the matter of film and theatre class, where if I were back home, I may have enjoyed and been extremely enthusiastic about but alas due to my poor fluency in Tagalog I wasn’t able to truly be a part of the major projects we had to complete. I ended up taking roles that were so far away from what I really wanted to contribute but as the stories were in a language and culture that I still didn’t fully understand, I was in no way able to contribute in the way I would have wanted to anyway.(One of the brighter spots of film was being able to share some of my favorite films of all time and also participate in our groups documentary on a Badjao community despite being in pain and sick more than half the time. Seeing and meeting some of the people with their strength and courage and determination despite their hardships, really helps one put things in perspective.) With the organizations I am a part of, even if I had a minor role in all three, I still didn’t feel up to the task. I really kind of played dead dog for most of my responsibilities in ISO. 

Honestly, this semester and even last semester, I felt myself ever so slightly detach from everything and kind of just mechanically go through the motions just managing to barrel through out of sheer need to complete my four years in college, do well and graduate. This semester is the first time in over four years where I found myself nearly having an anxiety attack. Not once, but three times. Once during debate when my brain refused to memorize my speech and then I fucked up completely during the recitation for my midterms. (I’m just thankful that my written speech helped me pick my grade up for that. Writer I may be, but speaker I sorely am not) It didn’t help that I still get a bit of stage fright every once in a while. Then the second was when my cousin messaged me about my mother having a schizophrenic episode and that it was causing drama and issues. The third one was during one of our theatre rehearsals and that one had no initial trigger except my stupid bronchitis that refused to go away that came out of a cold that has lasted frakking forever. Toss in several emotional breakdowns and smoking a ciggy after three years ciggy free and I could say I was down for the count. These past holidays of Thanksgiving and then Christmas were kind of meh considering I was sick for the first one and ma and I both were sick for the latter. But I pretty much had been sick on and off all this past semester and throw in my fibromyalgia kicking in worse than its been in the past four years, bringing spasms of pain that brought me to tears and bouts of insomnia this entire past year, 2018 brought more pain in more ways than one than anything else. I’m just thankful my ma, pop and family and friends (and my possessed cat, Gandalf) are still healthy and those that aren’t so much are on the road to being so, hopefully soon. 

This new year 2019 is hopefully the year where I finally meet one of my lifetime goals of graduating and getting a college degree. After so much work and sacrifice not only from me but my parents, I need to reach that goal. I will be starting my fourth year second semester at the end of this month but before that hopefully will have completed our final film and theatre projects as well as getting some traction in completing my thesis that is now not a solo one as I included three classmates to be a part of it. At the end of the day, even if I had wanted my thesis, that I started with on my own, to be solely mine, I had to consider my health both mentally and physically which became the deciding factor in no longer trying to push myself in such a way that would’ve hurt me rather than help. As I near graduation, I will set out in determining what I want to do afterwards. Whether I stay here (that’s only if I get an opportunity down the road) or go back to the States or go to another country has yet to be determined. If I were to go back to the States, I’d then have to decide which state I’d be moving to. Or rather, WE would be moving to. We as in me and mother. Yes, my mom is a big factor in my decision. She has to be, there’s no point deluding myself that I would be comfortable with any other scenario. I’ve watched over that woman pretty much all my life and have been a sort of parent-like person for her since I was a kid. As she grows older and goes deeper into her schizophrenia and becomes more fragile, I cannot in my heart think of any other alternative other than keeping her with me. It’s not some martyrdom complex or anything like that, it’s just how I am wired. Even with all my issues and the mental, emotional and physical toll it has taken on me, I love my mom and she brought me up the best way she knew how or could do. I can’t fault her for her illness and I can’t ignore the fact that she needs me as much as I need to know she is ok...as ok as she is capable of being. I may gripe and such but let’s face it, these are the cards I was dealt and I’ve managed all this time somehow and I’m pretty sure as I get older and wiser I’ll get better and better at doing so. But for the most part I can say I’m at peace with my decision (even when a tiny voice inside my head screams at me WTF are you thinking!!! HEEELP MEEE!) Now I’m just torn between should I stay or should I go (now. ....sorry had to. As I was typing those words I was singing it dammit!!!) And if I go, go where exactly? What do I do with my cat? How tf am I getting the beloved furry pain in my butt to come with me? What best fits not only my needs but my mothers and (if my furbaby is coming) Gandalf? New York? (That’s expensive AF) San Francisco? (SAME! but but SWEATER WEATHER LOVE!!!) L.A. (I’m not gonna lie, my home city is the last choice on my short list) Seattle? (perhaps but can my ma stand the so called gloomy weather which I am partial to?) S.A. (STOP! HAULT! DO NOT GO THERE! Though I have many fond memories and do love the city in many ways including my family and friends..and cheaper rent per square foot...and delicious bbq...I just can’t...cuz politics, namely its states’ politics. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t want my tree hugging, In-N-Out loving ass either anyhow.) I guess I can only say We’ll see. As I get closer to the end of my fourth year I’ll be more sure of which direction I’d want to go but so many things can still happen from now to then so I just want to leave myself open to any possibility that I may not have even thought of. 

So besides all that ‘off to the future I go’ crap, lets see...what do I want to see myself accomplish this year. I...

Must read more books (last year was depressing af for my bookwormish self as I only read three books, actually technically two were only completed in 2018 but I started in 2017. Now that’s sad for someone who used to down one to two books a day and read as she walked) 

Must get rid of more of my shit (I actually have been slowly accomplishing this little by little but seeing as it is nearing the end of my time at UB I must do this in its entirety by the middle of the year.) 

Must write at least one script of my own and complete it. (I have a few synopsis ideas written down, I just need to sit my butt down and make it a full story) 

Hope to go to Tokyo, Australia, New Zealand, Thailand and again to South Korea. (At least Tokyo I hope for this year) 

Must lose the weight I gained only during this past semester. (I can only fit my rollies into two of my jeans and both have holes, one was bought that way and the other lost the battle with a tricycle and a school chair) 

Must cook more (I actually have been little by little doing just that, thanks to Instagram people who post recipes that motivate my lazy ass into wanting to cook what’s in the picture.) 

Must regularly volunteer again(Unfortunately I haven’t taken much time to do any since I’ve been here. Hopefully once my workload at school eases I can finally take the time to do this. It’s one of the things I love doing with my time because it’s the time when I can do something that isn’t for me but for someone else which I guess in a way is also for me in the sense that it just makes me feel good.) 

Must explore more of the Philippines (hopefully after I graduate we can do this) 

Hope to get to Guru level on Gurushots (only need to mark off four more of the criteria to get there) 

Hope to learn a third language (I’m thinking either Spanish or Korean since I at least know some vocabulary and short phrases already. The fact that I would love to be able to watch my kdramas without subtitles definitely gives me the incentive to lean toward the latter.) 

Hope to get more than four hours of sleep on average. (I would love that, only if my neighbors (front, both sides and back) dogs and Gandolf agree to keep it quiet during the wee hours in the morning)  

Must follow my daily, weekly, monthly goal checklist for more than just one month (yup that’s pretty much all that it lasted give or take a few weeks then days, last year) 

If I can manage to even complete a fourth of that which is mentioned above, I will have done this long ass blog entry justice. So if y’all managed to reach the end of all this ridiculousness, I wish to say to you HAPPY NEW YEAR and may this year and the many years to come bring you all you hope for and more. Let’s 2019 the shit out of this frakking year and make it our bitch!!!

(At least I can say with this yearly blog entry that I’ve managed to keep this one and only friggin tradition during New Years)

[secndlife]

sun&moon | 1.

pairing: jackson x reader x jinyoung

genre: soulmate!au, college!au, fluff, angst, eventual smut? everything basically

summary:  she has always trusted fate. she was destined to someone and she was determined to find it. she found herself wrapped in hands that feel warm like the sun, but that belonged to someone else. she keeps on looking, only to find out that her fate had been watching over her, just like the moon.

word count: 3.3k

playlist

masterlist

It was midterm season and t was cold. Not ‘I’ll freeze to death’cold, but ‘holy shit it’s really cold’ cold - and that made you lazy and grumpy whenever you weren’t in bed. All you wanted was to get out of this lesson, grab a caramel macchiato and hit home. You felt so tired, all your lessons were draining you. You loved you major, you did. Public relations was something you’ve always wanted to do but now, being so close to graduating, things were chaotic. You had to work on your final thesis and still pass all these classes. All you wanted was to graduate and finally be hired full time at your internship - you were working at a small music company as their public relations assistant.

As your professor started to gather his belongings, he said, “Well everyone, don’t forget to read the chapter assigned on the syllabus for this week’s lesson and write down the essay about how social media can change the perspectives on PR. Thank you and see you next week for our midterm.”

“Oh my God! Is the midterm next week? Fuck! I totally forgot that!” your friend Jisoo started freaking out while you two left the classroom.

“Yes baby,” you laughed, “I can send you the summary I made for this subject and we can study together next week, I don’t mind.”

“Oh really? Urgh, I love you, you’re the best,” she said with a smile and giving you a side hug. Jisoo was one of your best friends ever since you started university. You two hit off instantly after meeting at orientation week and next thing you know you’re renting an apartment together at one of the campus’ buildings.

“Yeah, I know. Do you have another class or you’re ready to go home?” You hoped she was ready to go home so you two could have a movie night with a lot of food.

“I can’t. I’m supposed to meet up with Mark for this other project we have.”

“Oh, does this project have anything to do with making out until your lips fall off?” you said while you bumped her shoulder. Mark and Jisoo sort of had a thing. No one really knew how to label what they had, but it was definitely something and it was clear for everybody.

“Please, that’s your deal with Jackson. Anyways, we’re just meeting at the cafeteria, it’s really about a class project.”

“Hm sure, miss.” You gave her a side eye. “And about Jackson, we haven’t hooked up in a while. We’re nothing, especially compared to you and Mark. We just have fun when we’re drunk or bored, honestly.”

“Yeah sure, baby. If that’s what you tell yourself before you sleep with him… Anyways, I have to go. Mark’s texted me already. Don’t wait up ok?” she said, winking at you while she left off to meet Mark. Jisoo could deny as much as she wanted, but she would never be able to fool you - and she was falling fast for him.

You waved her goodbye and started making your way towards your place. You took off your earphones and put on a song just to distract you from the cold weather. Even tho you weren’t a fan of being outside in the cold, you could use a walk. It was calming around campus, especially since it was already past 6pm and most people were off class. You walked slowly, looking up at the sky and at all the people around you. You spotted a couple, maybe around your age and wondered if they had their tattoos already.

It was common knowledge: on the morning of your 23rd birthday, you’ll get a tattoo on your wrist, your soulmate’s initial. They’ll have your first letter tattooed on their opposite wrist; there are a few rare cases where the tattoo is on the same wrist, but those are truly uncommon. You never even heard of one. And if you still haven’t found your soulmate within a year, you’ll get the first letter of their surname next to it.

In your group of friends, Mark and Jaebum were the ones who had a tattoo already. Mark had a “J” on his left wrist. He had a thing already with Jisoo even before it happened so they just kept on going. Jisoo’s tattoo was a few months away, but she seemed pretty sure she’d get an “M” on her right wrist, even tho they weren’t “official”. Jaebum, on the other hand, had a “W” on his right wrist, but he hasn’t found anyone to match. That didn’t stop him from kissing a bunch of girls at frat parties just to get over his ex though. She turned 23 before he did and when her tattoo wasn’t his initial, she broke up with him. He understood, he knew it could happen, but that doesn’t mean it was easy to get over her.

The next one to get a tattoo would be Jackson, his birthday only a week away. You two had a unique relationship - ever since you met at a party in freshman year you have got along really well; having similar personalities made it 10 times easier. You’re both social butterflies, funny, touchy and dramatic - you were just a tone lower than Jackson. That caused you to be close to one another and to flirt constantly. Jackson had always some smart comment about you and you never backed off. After a few months of shameless flirting and sexual tension, you two started hooking up in your second year at university. It happened first at a frat party when you two were drunk and horny. It was no big deal - honestly, everything with Jackson was carefree. The sex was great, intense, and there were no strings attached. You two had no reason to call it off or to start anything serious so you just left it at that, hooking up whenever you felt like it and it never affected your friendship. He hooked up with other girls sometimes, but you honestly didn’t care. You knew you were free to do the same, you just wasn’t a big fan of one night stands.

Most of your friends knew and it wasn’t a big deal for them either. After it first happened, you got home and talked to Jisoo about it. 

“Well, he’s hot and nice and you two get along really well. I honestly don’t see why not. You’re young, pretty and single. You should be having fun, you know?”

“I mean, yeah, I know. I’m just a bit… unsure? I don’t know, Jackson’s really intense and I don’t wanna feel it too much?” you didn’t wanna fall for him, not at all.

“Then don’t. Look, don’t make a big deal out of this. You two just hooked up. Make this as fun and not serious as it can be so it would be beneficial for both of you. I’m pretty sure Jackson’s not looking for a relationship right now either so.” You thought about it and Jisoo was right, you had nothing to lose - besides, it would be nice to have good sex with a good guy whenever you felt like it.

A few days later you told Jinyoung about it. He was your best friend since God knows when. You two grew up together and your moms were friends so that lead to you being friends as well. You were having coffee together when you said with a tone as normal as it could be, “I’ve slept with Jackson.”

He was taking a sip of his drink and he pretty much choked on it: “You what?”

“Yeah, I mean, you could see it coming right?” You stared at him waiting for him to say something while he looked a bit uncomfortable.

“I guess. How was it? Are you two a thing now?” he asked, not really wanting to know the answer and looking everywhere but at you.

“No, he’s all about being a free spirit right now and I don’t want a boyfriend. So I guess we’re just gonna have random sex,” you laughed.

Jinyoung gave you a smile, shaking his head, “Lucky you then.”

After a few minutes of walking, you finally reached home. You were welcomed by your cat, Winnie. You and Jisoo adopted her as soon as you moved in, both being cat lovers. She was a Tonkinese with light brown fur, darker face and ears and the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen. She curled up at your leg while you walked in: “Hey girl”, you said, patting her head. She purred, appreciating the soft touch. You left your shoes and the entry and finally made your way towards your bedroom while Winnie followed you.

You dropped your things at your writing desk and then went to your bathroom. You couldn’t wait to take a nice relaxing bath and since Jisoo was busy with Mark, you’d take that time alone for some self-care. It was Friday and you weren’t in a party mood, so you decided to open a bottle of wine and just drink it by the tub. You turned on the water, feeling it with your hand to make sure it was just the right temperature. After drying your hands, you went to the kitchen to get the bottle of wine that was just waiting for you. You got the glass and after opening the bottle you went back to the bathroom; by then the tub was almost half full and you wanted nothing more than to spend the next hour in there, drinking your wine and relaxing among the bubbles. You plugged your phone on the speaker and put on one of your favorite songs. You got one of your bath bombs out of the cabinet and proceeded to undress. When the tub was full, you got your hair up in a bun and dropped the bath bomb in the water. Immediately, the jasmine smell started to spread all over your bathroom and that made you feel calmer. The water was filled with bubbles that had all shades of pink, which was just what you needed. You got your glass of wine on the tub border and went inside. The water felt so good, you could feel it’s warmth spreading all over your body and starting to relax you.

With soft music playing on the background, you started to let your mind wander. You started to think about this soulmate thing. Your 23rd birthday was a few months away and you’d finally get your tattoo. You were not sure what that’d mean for you. You were an intense and curious person and the possibility of not finding your soulmate killed you. You wanted that, you wanted that bond and you wanted to live what you were destined to live. You were scared of ending up alone, with two letters on your wrist that you’d never find out who they belonged to. The possibility of falling in love with someone who’s not your soulmate is equally terrifying. That’s why you didn’t have any serious relationships in the past - you didn’t want to fall for someone who could not be your person. Sure, people ended up with their non-soulmates all the time, but that’s not what you want for yourself. When you fall in love, you want to do it with the right person. But how could you be sure? In theory, you couldn’t. You could find someone who’s theoretically your match, but maybe he’s not. Those who were able to find their matches, they say you just know - you feel it. But there was no way to prove it, you couldn’t be sure of it in any means other than your feelings and your heart.

After three glasses of wine, a bunch of songs and wrinkled hands, you decided it was time to get out of the tub. The wine got you a bit tipsy so you were just gonna heat up some leftover pizza and hit the bed while some movie was playing on the TV. You got your towel wrapped around your body and made your way back to your bedroom. You felt way more relaxed now. You dried off your body and got into one of your oversized t-shirts that you usually wore to sleep. Winnie was lying comfortably in your bed so you petted her tail, “I’ll be back in a second, I’ll just grab some food and I’ll come to cuddle you”. She purred in agreement and you went to the kitchen so you could finally eat something. You took the pizza out of the fridge and put it on the microwave. Once it was done, you got your plate and got back to the bedroom. You poured yourself another glass of wine and started looking for something to watch on Netflix. You settled for one of your favorite movies, “Love, Rosie”. You’ve watched it countless times and could never get tired of it. It always made you cry because you loved this idea that if two people are supposed to be together, they’ll be together in the end, no matter what. That’s what you hoped happened to you too, you hoped you’d end up with your soulmate after all.

By the time the movie ended and the second romcom you decided to watch, alongside with the bottle of wine, it was almost 11pm and you decided to go to bed. First, you went to check on your phone, who was long lost since you’ve got home. You picked it up and was greeted by some texts from Jackson:

[10:30pm] Jackson: what are you doing on this friday night beautiful

[10:31pm] Jackson: I wanna cuddle

[10:32pm] Jackson: can I come over? I swear I won’t try anything besides kissing you and cuddling

[10:45pm] Jackson: answer meeeee

You laughed at his texts - Jackson could be needy sometimes. You thought about his request - well, you had nothing to lose and you could use some strong arms cuddling you to sleep so you texted him back.

[10:50pm] you: wow friday night and you’re texting me about cuddling? why aren’t you at a party?

It didn’t even take him 2 minutes to reply.

[10:51pm] Jackson: don’t think i didn’t try! but there’s not even a single party on this campus today

[10:51pm] Jackson: besides, I’m too tired to party today and I wanna cuddle

[10:52pm] Jackson: so, can I come over or what?

[10:53pm] you: hm I guess. I could use some ok cuddles for the night.

You knew he’d whine at you calling his cuddles ok. That was a part of your relationship, this bickering, it added fuel to the dynamic.

[10:53pm] Jackson: ok??? ok??? my cuddles are fucking great.

[10:54pm] Jackson: anyways be there in five

[10:54pm] you: hurry up i’ve had a whole bottle of wine and I’m sleepy

In less than 10 minutes Jackson was ringing the doorbell, his dorm being really close to yours. You got out of bed and made your way to the entrance, Winnie following you. You opened the door and were greeted by a smiley Jackson. He was wearing sweatshirts and black adidas pants. He looked really hot in simple clothes like that.

“Hi,” he said, making his way towards you and giving you a kiss on the cheek.

“Hi,” you replied while giving him some room so he could come inside. “Can’t believe you couldn’t find a place to be tonight.”

“I did, here.” He closed the door behind him and all of the sudden Winnie showed up at his feet. “Hey pretty lady,” he said patting her head. “I swear this cat likes me more than she likes everyone else. She cuddles me whenever I come around.”

You rolled your eyes at him, “She does that to everyone Jackson, don’t be so full of yourself.” You started walking towards your bedroom and you heard his footsteps chasing after you. Suddenly, you felt strong arms being wrapped around your waist.

“Bullshit, she never does that to Jaebum,” Jackson said while he rested his head on your shoulder.

“That’s because Jaebum smells like his cats and Winnie doesn’t like that. She’s jealous,” you said, laughing.

Once you’ve reached your bedroom, you got out of Jackson’s grip and plopped onto the bed. The man was still standing at the doorway, staring at you with a pout while he took off his red hoodie, revealing a simple black shirt underneath. “What’s with the face, Jacks?”

“I know she likes me better, don’t lie to me.” He could be such a drama king sometimes and it was really amusing to watch and bicker back. Tonight though, after a bottle of wine and an exhausting day, you just wanted to sleep. 

“Jacks, please, I’m really sleepy. Just get in here.”

“Well, since you’re begging.” You smiled lightly when he laid by your side. You were facing each other and you felt his hand coming to rest on your hips, “I’ve kinda missed you.”

“Missed me or my body?” you said, teasing him.

“Stop, you know it’s not like that,” Jackson had a cute pout on his face.

You gave him a light peck on the lips, “I know, it’s just funny to see your face when I say stuff like that.”

You stroked his hair and he closed his eyes. “You look really good with dark-brown hair, you should stick to it.”

“I look good with every hair color, baby. But thanks,” he hummed softly, feeling your hands over his locks. You laughed. Jackson was such a confident person, so sure of himself. You admired that. And he also made you feel more confident yourself since he was always dropping praises your way.

You felt his hands slowly rising your t-shirt up so he could stroke your thighs with the tip of his fingers, “You know, my birthday is next Friday. It will be my 23rd.”

“Hm, I’m aware.” You closed your eyes, feeling his soft warm touch against your skin. You could also feel his face closer to your, his breath smelt like mint and it made you wanna taste it.

“You know,” you felt his hand making its way from your thighs to your cheek. “I’m gonna get my tattoo in a week,” his lips brushing against yours lightly. “And I wouldn’t mind at all if it was your initial.”

Next thing you know, his lips are fully on yours. They taste just like they smell, minty. Nevertheless, they feel warm. Everything about Jackson was warm. His touch, his kisses, his heart. He was so intense it felt like fire, and sometimes you were scared you’d get burned. You felt his tongue at your bottom lip and then it was against yours. The kiss was passionate, just like him. His hand then moved to the back of your neck as he pressed you further against him. You hummed in response, your hands against his chest, grabbing at his shirt.

His lips then moved towards your neck. On his way down, he kissed your jawline and your jugular, making you whimper.

“You said you wouldn’t try anything tonight,” you said while you felt his tongue against that soft spot he knew all too well at your neck.

“Say the word and I’ll stop. Besides, I’m still just kissing you,” he said and then bit at your neck softly, earning a low moan.

“Jacks…” You were literally exhausted and all you wanted was for him to hold you while you fell asleep. You grabbed his face gently and moved it towards yours, giving him a final kiss.

He smiled, “Fine, c’mere then.” He pulled you closer, making you rest your head on his chest. It felt warm and safe there and you started drifting away, sleepiness washing over you. “I mean it you know.”

You looked at him, half-lidded eyes, “Huh?”

“I wouldn’t mind if your initial showed up at my wrist next week.” He had such a genuine smile across his handsome face and it kinda made your heart melt.

You smiled back at him, eyes closed and ready to fall asleep, “Neither would I.”

a/n: ok so… my first experience in writing? I don’t even know how this “ok i’m gonna write” thing started tbh. I know I have a huge tendency in not finishing things up, but I have so much planned for this series, so please, bear with me. I’ll try my best within my limits ok? I wanna thank three girls who helped me a lot;  @yoongitalks, one of my inspirations, my friend and also my beta. thank you for putting up with me and for accepting my insane request of joining me on this mess. i love you to the moon and back.  @jugyoem, my baby, the amazing artist who did the cover for this fic. thank you for supporting me through everything. I love you a lot! lastly, my music expert, @yyugyx, who helped me with the playlist. can’t thank you enough for always saving me with your music knowledge. love you! anyways, feedback is always appreciated and my askbox is always open. 

[iamanartichoke]

It’s almost 4am, I can’t sleep because of Reasons, and my brain isn’t functioning enough to be productive, so I’m just gonna fill out this writing meme. So, yeah, if you’re interested in some very long, self-indulgent writing babble, keep reading, and if you’re on mobile, I’m sorry the cut doesn’t work. 

1. What are your favourite genres and/or styles to write in?

Contemporary lit has always been my thing. I was never really into reading or writing much action/adventure or fantasy, which is weird because I was very into shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and LOST - but, I was mostly into those shows for the very rich character dynamics and developments, so. Anyway, Sanctuary is the first thing I’ve written in my life that isn’t in the contemporary, real-world genre and I’m doing okay with it, but I do sometimes get a little paranoid that it’s too character focused with not enough action/comic-genre stuff going on. This is really stepping outside of the box for me, to be honest. 

(I just remembered that I did write some Batman fanfic when I was maybe 16  or so, but I’m not sure it counts bc it was terrible and I pretty much just wrote  a Buffy-esque character to be Batman’s sappy love interest. God, how embarrassing.) 

2. What was the last writing project you finished and felt successful with?

Okay, so, when I was finishing grad school, I had to complete a “publishable” thesis project and mine is/was this collection of linked short stories that I spent probably a good year and a half (including my thesis semester) working on. Technically, I did finish it enough that it passed the graduation requirements, and I have been chipping away at it on and off since then, but after I graduated, I just ... stopped writing, in general. Depression and real life are a shitty combination for writers with very little internal motivation. But, despite that, this collection holds a very dear place in my heart. There are seven stories total, all young adult, coming-of-age themed, and they’re linked by character in that they all take place in a small town and the characters from each story sort of know each other in passing, as happens in a small town. There’s room for ten stories, because it’s a nice, even number. I love all of the characters and I think it could be something really great and could be published successfully - just, it needs a lot more work to get to that point. Eventually it will. Anyway, yes, that’s my last “finished” writing project and I do feel a modicum of success toward it, for what it’s worth. 

3. If you have a WiP how do you feel it’s going? What stage are you in?

I am actually 85% pleased with how Sanctuary is going. I started writing the fic without any real idea of what I wanted to do with it or where it would go - I was just having a lot of Loki feels during a difficult time in my life. Prior to this, I would handle my Character Feels by indulging in a lot of watches and re-watches and occasionally making music videos and sometimes fan art (graphics, I can’t draw for shit), but these methods just weren’t cutting it this time ... and hence, fic was born. 

It’s not a perfect story, of course - there are some inconsistencies and errors and the writing can always be more polished, but I’m just happy that I’ve stuck with it for this long and allowed it to develop the way that it has. I’m able to flex my writing muscles and get back into the practice of it while having fun at the same time. The story is four chapters away from completion, but I have plans for a sequel and also a couple of one-shots from Thor’s POV that I want to play around with. Overall, I’m pretty pleased with where I am in my little fic-verse right now. 

When it comes to original fiction, aside from the aforementioned short story collection, I am in the plotting stages of a novel involving reincarnation, because I am tropey trash, but it has potential. So, there’s that. 

4. What are your favourite places to write?

I actually feel like I write more productively when I am away from my apartment, which is a conundrum because I pretty much only leave my apartment to go to work or, like, the grocery store. I have a job that allows me to be at a computer for most of the day, so when I’m not busy, I like to write at work. I weirdly feel more productive and clear-headed at desktop computers, but I don’t have one of my own, so when I’m not at work or at the library, I write on my laptop in places like Barnes and Noble or laying in bed like a lazy bum. I do have a desk at home, but it is woefully neglected, I’m sad to say. 

5. Do you prefer to write with long hand or type? Or some other method?

9 times out of 10, I type. However, when I am struggling particularly hard with writer’s block, I’ll write long hand because, for whatever reason, switching methods jolts my brain a little bit and gets the juices flowing again. I wrote the entirety of the Kree battle and Val/Loki in the infirmary (I forget what chapter that was) long hand, among other scenes. 

6. Do you remember your first character? If so can we meet them?

My childhood is filled to the brim with embarrassing fiction. I don’t remember my first character, to be honest - I remember being in fourth grade and writing some kind of story for Young Author’s Day at school, and that’s the first thing I remember even writing, but I couldn’t tell you what the story was or who the characters were to save my life. When I was in sixth grade, I discovered S.E. Hinton’s books, and from that point on, I spiraled down into the genre of coming-of-age, tortured, sad protagonists (God, Ponyboy Curtis was my first spirit animal, talk about tragic) and I’ve never quite looked back. 

7. Where do you get your inspiration?

Where don’t I get my inspiration, would be a better question. Music is a big inspiration - sometimes I’ll hear a lyric that I want to put to a story, or a song will have a storyline that I like and that’ll get the creative juices flowing. I do get some inspiration from real life, but I shy away from writing anything too closely related to my own life - things that I pull from my life are incredibly fictionalized, but the roots are sometimes there, if that makes sense. Movies and TV shows, of course, especially with character types that I’m drawn to. Other people’s literature is a big inspiration, too. Idk, I think inspiration just comes from everywhere. Everyone and everything has a story that can be told. 

8. Do you outline a story before writing it, or does it all live in your head until the first draft gets put down?

I’m kind of 75/25 on this - 75% lives in my head and 25% is outlined, but the outline is always kind of a loose guideline that may end up completely changing by the time the words are actually on the page. I mostly use outlines to put things down tangibly when they get too cluttered in my head and I start confusing myself. I also use outlines to keep track of plot threads, to try to keep things consistent. For Sanctuary, my outline is a mixture of what I want to accomplish in each chapter and an extensive notes section on various canon I’m using, so that I can keep things straight. 

9. Where do you go/ What do you do when you’re feeling stuck?

Writing long-hand is a thing I already talked about. Other things I find helpful: going for a long drive to just sort of let myself zone out and think about the story without the pressure of sitting at the computer, listening to music ... sometimes I just put the story away completely and let it sit while I do/focus on other things, and I come back to it refreshed and ready to try again. 

10. What got you starting writing/doing Art? (Because I always love origin stories)

I don’t know - writing has just always been a part of who I am. The urge to write was something that came very naturally to me. I’m sure being a voracious reader was part of it, too - I grew up reading books like there was no tomorrow, and I was a very introverted, shy child, so I read more than I talked to people, and that just sort of naturally translated into writing stories of my own. I’ve never been a people-person in that I don’t like interacting with people much (in real life, anyway) but I like to examine and think about how people work, and it’s a strange thing but so it goes. But yeah - there’s no real “origin story” with me, just a long history of being a reclusive nerd. 

I guess this is a tagging meme but I wasn’t tagged, so if anyone out there wants to do it, feel free, I’d love to read other people’s responses if you feel like sharing them. :) 

[weekendwarriorblog]

30 Minute Experiment: College #30ME

Man, where does the day go? This is my second day in a row where I’m doing this after Cuomo’s presser even though I’d been up for at least 3 hours beforehand. I also have about 7 movies and other screeners to watch before next week, so I have to try not to slack off so much. Anyway, today’s topic is “College” and I only decided on this one an hour or two ago, so I’ve already talked enough about the pandemic this week and tried to offer a few solutions without being lecturey. Let’s do this...

This is probably gonna be one of the more personal #30MEs and will probably allow me to get rather introspective. It’s odd that I’d be thinking so much college in the past few years especially while trying to find a decent job, because some of you may know while others may not... but I never went to college. I can come up with so many excuses in hindsight, but the true fact is that in my last year of high school, I was a bit of a slacker and I was already kind of fed up of classes and school so the idea of spending four more years or more doing school just wasn’t something I could get too excited about.

I mean, I had thought about going to some place like the Berklee College of Music so that I could continue doing music stuff, but I wasn’t really sure what I would do other than maybe learn more about music theory or arranging or something to that effect, and I had just spent three years in high school studying music pretty effectively, and I wasn’t that big a fan of being taught how to make music. I felt that it was something that needs to come from your heart and soul and being told what you can or can’t do while making music just seemed foreign to my own feelings about music. Maybe that was a bad choice not to try to do something but I’m not sure how much having a music degree would be helping me nowadays in terms of finding a job.

A lot of this does have to do with looking at job listings every day trying to figure out what I can do next and realizing that so many of these jobs expect candidates to have at least a bachelors degree, something that i never bothered getting. And yes, there have been points in the last 30X questions since I graduated high school where I thought of going back to school or taking some courses, but there were always things like time and money that held me back.

Sure, not a great excuse, especially in what’s happening now and the fact that so many colleges and universities have offered online classes for credits for many years. Believe me, I’ve had this fact shared with me many times over the past few years, but I’ve never been able to determine what I might want to study at my advanced age and how putting myself into further debt might help.

I have plenty of friends who changed their course of training to get into other fields when they were in their 40s and 50s, but I’m just not sure I have the commitment and focus and interest to do something like this. It’s not like I expect myself to live forever and right now, I’ll just be happy if I can see 60, since I think that would be a nice milestone to end on, but I feel that I would be better using those last five years in other ways.

Now, mind you, I’ve done a pretty good job getting writing work without ever having studied any sort of writing in high school or college. (Heck, I may have mentioned how I failed high school English in my junior year just because I had no interest in writing a thesis paper on dolphins. That gives you some idea how much more stubborn as a youth than I am now... and I’m pretty damned stubborn!)

Yeah, I’ve been very lucky in the jobs I’ve been able to get without having a degree, but most of my last few gigs have been through friends or friends recommending me. I’m not sure that spending four years of college and adding thousands more debt to my register would have helped other than having that one extra thing on my resume than I have now.

I should mention that I did go to a trade school for recording and engineering at the Institute of Audio Research in 1987, which is what brought me to NYC in the first place. That gave me an in to the New York studio system that allowed me to work on music recording and production projects that I mostly enjoyed doing, but I also found myself very frustrated with the music business and how hard it was to get past a certain point, which clearly I never got past. When I had a chance to get out of music, I did, and even after returning to it briefly, I eventually just bailed on the whole thing as I found that I could get work writing... up until a point. Which is where I’ve been for the past few years.

Sure, it’s easy to look back and think about all the things I would have done different. Maybe if I wasn’t so afraid of writing an essay or thesis in order to apply for most of the colleges I was interested in at the time, I may have actually sent out more applications, which most people in high school were doing in their last couple years. In part, I never was really pushed my mother or father to do these things, and I love them for allowing me to find my own way... but maybe they should have pushed me more? 

Then again, I also had seen my older brother being eaten up and spit out by his early experiences off on his own at college and I knew that he was a LOT stronger than I was at that time. I mean, he eventually found his way, found his wonderful wife and is generally happy as a beekeeper right now.

By my last few years in high school, I was playing in bands, some that actually made money (though that’s a story for another time) but I just couldn’t see myself spending four years in college learning scales or trying to improve my playing as a saxophonist or keyboard player, things that I was doing a lot of in those last few years of high school.

At that time, I thought I’d just take a year off before thinking about college and that year off is still going on to this day as I began working and getting jobs as a cook, and that was enough to keep me being able to buy comics and records. That continued once I got to New York and started working in recording studios, but that also led to frustration and disappointments that I’d need way more than 30 minutes to get into.

I guess this is an even more reflexive #30ME than usual, but I guess I’m finally having some regrets about not going to college like everyone else in my family and around me. (I only just found out very recently that my long-time friend and short-term boss never went to college either, something I never would have realized since we never spoke about it.)

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll get out of this current funk that’s affecting a lot more people than just, including many who went to college and then spend decades paying off the debt that incurred. I also should point out that my credit has gotten so bad over the past few decades that I doubt I could even get funded if I did decide I should go back to school, and even if I did, what on earth would I want to study? Writing? Editing? Journalism? Music? I’ve been doing all of that stuff and I was perfectly happy to learn by doing, which is how I’ve gone through most of my life. 

When you get to a certain age, you’ve learned so much in life from just doing and failing until you do something right and can continue going that route, but I’ve also learned the hard way that finding a job gets a lot harder when you’re older if you can’t say, “Yeah, I went to college 20/30 years ago and I’m sure that will make a big difference on how well I can do in this job.”

It’s pretty frustrating so I’m glad I only have.... 8 MINUTES LEFT?!?!? ... to write on this subject. Sigh. Why did I decide on doing this experiment again? At least some topics (like yesterday’s), I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I can crank out 30 minutes without blinking. I guess looking back at something like college is a lot tougher since it means that i have to admit that not going to college was a decision I made when I was younger and more impulsive that really didn’t pan out or pay off. It means admitting failure way too late to actually do something about it.

Listen, I’m glad I did what I did in terms of taking a 9-month course in recording and engineering even if I barely used any of the things I studied similar to the fact that the only thing I got out of taking algebra and high school in calculus is that it sometimes helps with a crossword puzzle answer or two.

Who knows? Maybe writing about this will push me to explore some courses of study or learn a few new things that might be useful and applicable to the current state of the world. (I mean, I just applied for a job as a tracer and I tried using my skills as a writer to emphasize my traits and skills that would make me qualified for the role even without the medical background and schooling that seems expected from candidates. Don’t expect much to come out of that application.)

I could probably talk more about college and some of the other negatives I perceived both before and after to justify my decision not to go (like the fact that so many went to college just to party and be free of their parents, which I managed to do without the partying, the debt or any of the other bad things that come along with college.) I was able to get a lot of the benefits of college by just making myself being open to meet and become friends with new people when I had a chance. I feel like my friends and acquaintances are a lot more varied due to my decision to explore different avenues and interests rather than spending 4 years in school. Honestly, I haven’t talked to others about their own college experiences to find out how it made a difference in their own lives. 

I feel like there’s just so much of a balance between the positives and negatives with college and many of these I just have no way  of seeing 10 or 20 or 30 years ago, especially when I was younger.

And with that, my time is up for the day...  to be continued? Or not...

[yg-got7scenarios]

Infinity Part 14

**GIF NOT MINE 

Mini-Masterlist

Characters:  Mark Tuan (GOT7), You (Reader/OC), Park Jinyoung (GOT7), GOT7 members, Mark’s parents, Marika (Your friend), and other surprise characters

Genre:  Slow Build, Mainly Angst, Minor Fluff, Smut (on previous and future chapters)

Warning/s:  Angsty as usual, but no other warnings… I guess

Length:     3,967 words

Plot:  You have always believed the line from your favorite book that some infinities are larger or smaller than other infinities. You always wonder if you even have an infinity that you get to spend with someone or you will be forever alone?

A/N: I AM BAAAAAAAAAAAACK. Sorry for the long wait everyone! I am thinking this series will only have a few chapters left.  But then again I am not certain, but it looks like it at this moment.  LOL.  Don’t mind me.

  Bambam walked his way out of the campus slowly after he handed over some reports to his professor.  It is almost the end of the semester, and he will be graduating soon. He was able to earn enough hours for his Internship class and had completed majority of his thesis, thanks to his favorite friends.

Jackson had talked to him a few days ago about what had happened; and he was so sad for Mark, and he feels like he needs to do something.  However, he doesn’t know what and how.  Marika is not his tutor anymore since Professor Shin is back from her vacation. Jackson also said that he was already in touch with the brunette, and they were just advised the same thing; to give it some more time.

Bambam haven’t even realized that he just arrived in front of his house – he must’ve walked that long already.

“I’m home!” He shouted as soon as he enters the house. Normally, he would see his Mom on the living room watching some drama – or in the kitchen preparing something. Though it was mid-afternoon, so he is sure that lunch is already prepared, and it’s too early for dinner.

She might be upstairs…

Bambam takes off his shoes and coat before climbing up the stairs.  His steps increased when he heard muffled cries – and he quickly aims for the door of his mother and step-father’s bedroom.

“Mom?”  He closes the door behind him and his Mom quickly drops the picture frame and the repository that contains his sister’s ashes on her side before wiping her tears with her hands; standing up to meet her son’s gaze.

“Mom, are you crying?”  Bambam looks at her worriedly and Martha just smiled.

“Y-yeah – I was – but don’t worry about it, son. Have you eaten yet?  I’ve prepared lunch, come on, let me heat it up for y–“

“Mom, do you miss my sister?”  He gently grabs his mother’s shoulders before dropping his head to meet his Mom’s eyes.  Martha’s body went limp and she lets out a shuddering breath, her hands that are holding her son’s arms falling to her sides.

“I –“  she chokes on her sob.  “I – do, Bam, so, so much.”  She bows her head so that her son won’t see her crying; but she knows that she cannot hide what she feels forever.

“Do you still blame yourself for her death?  It’s not your fault, it was Dad’s, right?”  He cradles his Mom’s face before wiping her tears with his thumbs.

“If I didn’t leave her behind; she should still be alive… Bam…”  She cries out loud and he hugs his mother tight, cradling her face against his chest, caressing her back by smooth touches.

“It’s not your fault, Mom, you were left with no choice – and you did try coming back for her, right?  You’ve done your part.  There’s nothing much that you could have done…”  He whispers against her hair and Martha hugs his son back, her arms tightening their hold around his middle while she continues to cry – hoping that it would give a bit of relief for the pain and guilt that will surely hunt her forever.

“Hey, Martha, Bam – are you he –“

Junhyung pushes the open door gently and he stopped on his tracks when he sees his son and wife inside their shared room hugging each other, his wife sobbing against his son’s chest.  His eyes drifted to the repository and a picture frame on the bed; clearly understanding the reason why his wife is crying.

Bambam turned to look at his stepfather with his soft eyes and Junhyung nodded – stepping out of the room slowly, giving enough space for them.

As he walks down the stairs, a feeling of extreme guilt and remorse shook him to the core.  This is not the first time that he had seen his wife cry over the loss of her daughter – the one who she left in her home country because he refused to. He refused because he wasn’t a child of his, unlike her other child.

How he had met Martha was purely on accident.  He was on a business trip in (Y/C/O) when he saw her – and he was pretty smitten.  She was one of the staffs for the company where he is contracting for and his heart may or may not broke when he found out that she was already married with one child.  

He tried to keep his distance, but it seems like the woman has some gravitational pull towards him.  They were at a company gathering – everyone was having fun, drinking, dancing, and all.  He cannot clearly remember how it happened, but he slept with her – it was a fantastic night for him, but when he woke up the next day – the woman left a note, apologizing, and that she should not see him again.  Hence, when he went back to work – Martha had resigned over the weekend and he hasn’t seen her again after his contract ended and he needed to go back to Korea.

Fate seemed to have brought them back together after a few years when he needed to back to (Y/C/O) for another project.  He sees her again and he cannot deny that he was still in love with her.  When their eyes met for the first time in a long time – he was surprised that there were tears in both of their eyes.  That was when the woman told him about everything – her loving him despite her being married to someone else, which was the reason why she walked away before. She had also talked about her husband being an alcoholic, being physically and emotionally abusive to both her and her children and–

“Also, there’s one thing that you need to know, Junhyung… I am sorry if I didn’t tell you this before…”

“What is it? You can tell me anything…”

“My youngest child… Bambam… He is yours…  He-he’s not my husband’s…”

Two weeks.

It has been two weeks since the incident with Mark and Jinyoung happened.  For those days that passed, you tried to bury yourself at work.  You had worked over time and came to work early to make your mind wither from the past events.  Looks like fate is at your side this time because you were assigned to a new project – which demands a lot of your time and effort, and you cannot be thankful enough for the distraction.

Your shift is almost over and you are just wrapping up some reports when you had remembered the last part of the conversation you had with Mari when the chaos happened at your home.

“Oh, yeah. Bambam – he is the student that Professor Shin had handed over to me when she was out on vacation!”  Mari exclaimed and you just listened to her. “He was Mark’s other friend!”

“O-oh, okay. I-I remember Mark telling me about him wh-when we initially met…”

“Actually…” Mari trails as she puts on her shoes and coat.  “I’ve been meaning to bring something up about him earlier, but I guess I kind of skipped that part.  But I will tell you later when I get home, okay?”  She smiles and you bit your lower lip – wanting to know what she’s about to say now but you know that you cannot keep your best friend for too long.

“A-Alright. I’ll wait for you.  Keep safe.”  You smiled at her and she bumps her cheek against yours, and she was out.

Since Mari left, you were restless, checking the clock from time to time until your best friend arrives.  When she finally arrived, you immediately dragged her to the dining room and Mari’s eyebrows are crunched in confusion.

“Ok, ok, woman, relax, okay?  Why are you like this?” She raises an eyebrow at you and you didn’t answer; you waited for her to sit down on the chair on front of you.

“_______, is there something that I need to know?”  She says with worry masked in her face.  You closed your eyes before gaping at her.

“Mari–“ Your lips pursed together and one of your best friend’s eyebrows raised in question.

“My brother’s name is Bambam. He has a longer name though, but that’s what we call him. Remember when I ran away from Mark? I didn’t tell you this but when I was on my way home; I saw someone who looks like my brother, I mean at least how I remember how he looks like.  I followed that guy – then I saw him with Mark and another guy, which I think was Jackson…”

“I – I just… I am still not sure if the Bambam friend that Mark talked to me about is the same boy that I followed and was with them, but– “

“I KNEW IT!” Mari cut you off with a delighted shriek and your eyes widened.

“When I saw the name on the form that Professor Shin had handed to me, I thought that I had heard that name before, _____.  And if you said that he looks like your brother – then it means that he kind of looks like you, right?” She asks and you nodded, but your face is crunched with confusion.

“Uhm – I – I guess, why’d you ask?”

Mari smiles and shakes her head in amusement.  “This guy, my student, and Mark’s friend, when I saw him, he kind of resembles you, ______.”  Your mouth went agape and Mari looks at you, shaking her head lightly.

“R-Resembles me?”

“Yes. He does resemble you at some point. But when I saw his Mom; damn, ______, I thought I saw how you’re gonna look like 20 years from now.”  She mumbles and your head hung low; your hands gripping your pajama pants underneath the table.

“Then, somehow, I remembered you saying that you have a younger brother and your Mom took him with her when she left… So – I kind of asked Bambam subtly where he and, of course, his Mom were from, and… And they said they’re from (Y/C/O)…”  You met Mari’s equally hopeful gaze and you haven’t realized that your legs are trembling.  You want to say something, but your throat seems to have been constricted; disabling you from speaking.

Mari sighed before continuing.  “After that, I did ask Bambam as well if he has, well, a sibling, or a sister… Since, you know… and…”

A chill ran down your spine and you are looking at Mari with hopeful eyes – could they be…

“He said that he had one older sister back in (Y/C/O)…”

“C-could it be?”

“Yeah… I know – ______, I also thought about that…  I mean, they look like you, his name is similar to your brother’s, and it was almost accurate… but…”  Mari trailed off and she seems to look appalled.

“A-almost?”

“Yeah… Almost… Because…”

“Because?”

“Bambam told me that… her older sister was already dead…”

“Oh.” Your misty eyes blinked several times and you slumped on your seat, fiddling with the chopsticks you have in hand.

Mari bit her lip as she looked at your disappointed form.  “He told me that… His Mom went back to (Y/C/O) and when she returned, her sister’s ashes were already with her… It is also at one of the altars at the 2nd floor of their house.”  She grabs your hand when she sees you blinking away disheartened tears.

“I’m sorry, ______.  I also thought that maybe… Maybe they are-“

“My Mom and my younger brother, right, I get what you mean.”  You cleared your throat before wiping your eyes.

“I’m sorry, still.”  She grips your hand harder and you shook your head.

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault.  A-at least I don’t need to expect anything anymore. I guess… it’s not them.”  You said and Mari nods in understanding.  You pulled your hands away from her grip before standing up and Mari looks up to you.

“I – I’m going to bed, Mari.  I-I’m sorry – it’s just too much.  I think I need to rest.”

“Please.  Go ahead; don’t worry about me.”  Mari stood up before hugging you, and you went to your room and did your best to sleep the hurtful thoughts away.

You heaved out another sigh of frustration upon remembering those days; you never bring up the topic again and Mari was the same; sensing that you might not want to talk about it anymore.

It had been pretty difficult for you.  Your hope of seeing your Mom and your brother as well as seeing Mark again, and most likely Dorine, had all faded and flew away from a very distant place.  However you are still thankful that you are alive and pretty much still surviving, just disregard the love life aside.

Career-wise you are pretty much satisfied and despite the personal problems, you are doing really, really well at work and your bosses and colleagues are pretty much in awe because of your hard work.

Mari is still always there as usual along with a few more friends at work and back in college.  You asked her about how her relationship with Jackson is going but she just brushes you off every time you bring the topic up.  You blame yourself a bit on that part, thinking that Mari is avoiding Jackson because of what happened to you and Mark.  When you tried telling her exactly that, she just said that Jackson hasn’t reached out to her and it is not a big deal.  You have no choice but to believe her.

Jinyoung also didn’t try bothering you the past few weeks, though he would send you random text messages, mostly just to greet you good morning, or good night, and you haven’t responded to any of those, hoping that your ex-boyfriend would understand why.

Speaking of the devil, your phone suddenly vibrated when you have managed to zip your bag after stuffing it with some documents you’ve decided to review at home. Jinyoung.  Jinyoung is actually… calling you?

You just stared at your phone as it vibrates in your hand, blinking multiple times before you have decided to swipe the green button to the right, placing the speaker on your ear.

“H-hello?”  You mumbled silently, wondering why your voice turned out shakily.

“Hey, are you still at work?”  He asks all of a sudden and your eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

“Y-yeah – why’d you ask?”

“I’m actually at the ground floor of your building right now…”

What?

“…and I actually wanted to take you out for dinner, only if you’re not busy or if you don’t have plans…”  He says in those soft, hopeful voice of his and you were dumbstruck for a few minutes, the wheels in your brain reeling, conflicted whether or not you should take the offer of going out with your ex.

“J-Jinyoung-ah…” Was the only word you were able to let out after a few seconds (or maybe minutes, you’re not sure) of thinking. You heard Jinyoung’s soft laugh on the other line and you cannot deny that you felt a little guilty.

“D-don’t worry if you – you can’t or don’t want to, _____, it’s fine.  I can just leave, maybe some other ti–“

“N-no, Jinyoung, i-it’s fine, w-we can go out… for dinner.  I am actually at the lobby right now, I’m just waiting for the elevator.  Just give me a few minutes, okay?”

When you walked towards the exit of the building, you saw your ex half-sitting on the hood of his car, both of his hands are inside the pocket of his slacks as he looks at the other side of the street, tapping his foot slightly against the concrete floor.

“Hey.”  You called out for him when you were a few meters away and your ex-boyfriend’s handsome face came into view.  He smiles at you dearly, the familiar wrinkles at the corner of his eyes and you cannot help but return it.

“Hey, _____.”  He walks in front of you and you looked at your feet.

“I – I’m sorry if I haven’t responded to your messages… Work has been really hectic and busy, an–“

“You don’t owe me an explanation, ______.  And as I have said, I understand.  I am not rushing or demanding anything from you.” He rubs the back of his neck with his shaky hand.  

“After what happened…. that day, I pretty much already expected that you won’t.  Actually I didn’t expect for you to say yes tonight as well so…”  He chuckles slightly and you’ve noticed that his cheeks are tinting into a light shade of pink and he looks adorable.

“I’m happy that you did…”  He looks up to you with his soft eyes and you met his gaze – however, another person’s image came into view.  A man with equally beautiful set of brown orbs, tall nose, pouty lips, and blonde hair.  Mark.  You blinked the image away before biting on your lower lip, feeling disappointed with yourself because you’ve been thinking about that man more than what you admit.

“S-sorry, ______, are you okay?”  Jinyoung stepped in closer, his hand landing on your shoulder. You look up to him, shaking your head.

“Ye-yes, of course… So, where should we go?”  You smiled at him and Jinyoung sensed that something is bothering you but he didn’t ask, so he just nodded and told you that he discovered a new place in downtown that he wanted to try.  You nodded and he guided you towards the passenger seat before opening the door.  You were about to step inside, Jinyoung’s hand resting on top of your head, when you heard a hardly recognizable voice calling out for you.

You and Jinyoung quickly turn your heads back and you felt as if the world stopped spinning.  Your hand coming up to cover your mouth while the other is gripping the side of the car door.  You can feel your knees buckling and tears started to form beneath your lids.

“______, is that you?”

Junhyung sat on the sofa, his head throbbing. Should he tell his wife what happened? However, if he did, for sure she would despise him and he might lose her.  However, he cannot let her suffer like this forever.  His wife thinks that she was the reason why her poor daughter was dead, because she had left her with her abusive ex-husband – and it was his fault.  If he just stopped being an unreasonable man 10 years ago, his wife could have been happy.  Moreover, when he had the chance to have her and her daughter meet again, he had planned on something that would most likely be the worst thing that he ever did in his entire life.

When he finally allowed his wife to go to (Y/C/O) to take her daughter, he had researched about her and his ex-husband first. He had found out that his wife’s ex-husband has been put to jail and his wife’s daughter was badly beaten and had to be taken to the hospital – where she was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, whereas, eventually, slowly healed and was advised to be discharged from the hospital, and, to his panic, was sent to South Korea by a generous family and is now in the hands of one of the largest international orphanage in Busan.

He knows that his wife is longing for her only daughter, but Junhyung was totally blinded by his jealousy and hate towards Martha’s ex-husband, so he thinks that if he’ll see his wife’s daughter, he may not love her the way he loves Bambam.  So he immediately called the hospital’s Director, who happened to be a good friend of his when he was still in (Y/C/O), to have his wife’s daughter’s medical records be exchanged to the other girl who was brought in to the hospital on the same day – and eventually died a few days after.

When Martha came home with the ashes of her daughter and a few documents, he instantly regretted the decision that he made, but, what should he do now?  He already did what he had done and he guesses that it should be best for all of them, especially Martha.  However, he cannot help but feel guilty and conflicted, seeing the look on his wife’s face whenever she remembers her beloved daughter.

He runs his hands on his face and let out a loud sigh; what would he do now?

Just like you, Mark had spent the past few days burying his face on his desk or in front of his laptop at work.  He had tried his best to not think about what happened between the two of you; since he would always feel fresh tears brimming at his eyelids at the memory.

Jackson and Bambam have been constantly worried about him, but they didn’t talk to him about it, knowing that the older will just be sad and disappointed.  Good thing they had managed to convince him to at least have a haircut – though the older had dyed his hair a dark brown as well, saying that he doesn’t want to look like Jackson from afar, which made the younger whine, though it was good to see their boss and eldest friend joking and laughing around with them.

Almost two weeks after the last time he had seen you, when Mark was all alone in his apartment, with two empty bottles of soju on the bed side table, lying on the bed where he had taken you to sleep the first time he had seen you, he felt as though all of the memories of you, starting from your painful childhood, your heartbreak, and the times he had spent with you, came crashing down on him and he felt his chest swell with pain.  He wanted to talk to his friends about what he really feels, but they cannot worry them any further, he knows that they are already worried about him even without him saying anything.  He is the oldest among them and also the owner of the small company where his two other best friends work as well, so he cannot show that he was this emotionally unstable.

So he just kept everything to himself.  He is honestly tired, he doesn’t know when is the right time that Jackson had mentioned a week ago for him to talk to you. He wanted to do so so badly, but he remembers how angry and hurt you look like when you threw him out of the house, making him let out a groan of frustration, mostly to himself.

Mark grabs the picture frame from his bed side table, it was a photo of you that he was able to get from his Mom’s album of yours – the one that is most recent.  He smiled despite the tears that are threatening to fall from his eyes, questioning himself why he was so stupid that night, why in hell did he become so afraid of things that he was not even sure if would happen?  Now, there is a possibility that he might lose you… forever.

Mark sat up from his bed and he is slightly tipsy, but he knows that he is not drunk yet and another advantage of owning a company, is that he is not required to go to work early the next day.  Therefore, he grabbed one of his favorite hoodies from the closet before putting on some decent pants.  He grabs his car keys and wallet before storming down the stairs, to his front door, to his car which is parked in front of his porch.

As he drives along the busy roads of Seoul, he makes his way towards a very familiar road leading to his parent’s house.

Part 15

[poindexterslaboratory]

dex is a math genius

he is also in love with computer science, these are not mutually exclusive concepts

from an early age, dex has been working behind the counter at the local corner store, handling the money and payments and counting out change and by the time he’s graduated high school he can give someone their correct change twenty seconds before the register can even tell him what it is

during the summers before he goes to samwell dex handles the financials for his mother and uncle’s lobster business as well as going out with them and hauling traps because his mother and his uncle are getting up there in age, slowly but surely, and dex is the oldest so he goes out there on the boats every day and pulls up lobsters every day and when he’s done with that he goes to the corner store and trades shifts with carolina, a girl two grades younger than him who only got the job because her father thought she needed discipline

when dex turns 16 and can drive without his mother being a necessary passenger, he gets a job as a waiter at the dennys in the next town over and works there monday, wednesday, and friday after school and the morning shift on sundays, and he works the corner store monday, wednesday, friday, and sunday after dennys, tuesday and thurday after school, and saturday after hauling lobsters & gets more money doing odd jobs from his uncle’s repair shop whenever he has spare time

he uses his paychecks from those jobs to pay bills when his mother isn’t paying attention because one day after getting home late from the corner store he walked into the house to see his mother in their tiny kitchen, hunched over their tiny kitchen table, as scratched and dented as it is, crying over bills, and he watches as she stands up, grabs them in her hands, and stuffs them all in the old cookie jar that none of them ever touched because his mother told them she’d put a spider in there and the last time they’d opened it joseph had gotten bitten on the finger and it had swollen so big they’d had to take him to the doctor to get him some antibiotics

and dex waits for his mother to leave their tiny kitchen, and he goes up to that cookie jar, pulls it down from its shelf in their tiny pantry, opens it, and dumps the bills out and looks at them and thinks, if i can put together all of the money from both of my jobs, discarding the amount it costs for gas, and mark, cassidy, lauren, andy, & joseph’s weekly popsicles from the truck as it came around, then i can help ma pay these

and that’s what he does

when momma pointdexter first finds out what he’s doing she’s there and ready to chew him out, rip him a whole new one, but finds herself deflating when she sees him standing there in their tiny kitchen, tall as their broken refrigerator, gangly and lean and freckled as he was, standing there, head down and eyes closed, ready to be scolded, sees him standing there as defeated as he looked, but she knew, from the set of his jaw to the clench of his fists, that he wasn’t going to stop paying those bills no matter what she would say to him

when he opened his eyes to look at her, he didn’t see the angry mother he was expecting, he just saw a tired woman looking at him with all of her weariness, and all of the fondness she had for her children

“why” she asked him, both of them standing there in their tiny kitchen, with dex looming over her due to his growth spurt the previous summer, both tired and not willing to give up without a fight

“i just want to help you ma” he said, and she felt all of her fight drain out of her

“okay” she says finally, “but you have to show me your math before you even think about putting money in that jar again” and dex smiles so big she doesn’t have it in her to be upset with him “deal” he says and they sit there at their tiny kitchen table as dex’s siblings bounce around and yell and play and not once does dex raise his voice at them to be quiet and his math checks out and his mother sighs

and he’s clear to go

between the two of them paying the bills and making sure all of the other kids’ needs get met (clothing, food, entertainment, etc) they make it work and dex never finds his mother crying alone in the kitchen ever again

when dex graduates from high school he has scholarship offers for hockey from a scattered dozen universities across the country, but he tries to choose the closest one to his family so it’s easier for him to still help out with bills and anything else that he can possibly help out with

he also decides to double major

because he is a huge nerd and also a lover of providing for his family

he goes for his major in computer science with his second major in theoretical physics because he loves coding and he loves math so why not do both

he chose to do a major in coding both because he loved it and the immediate monetary aspect of it (what can i say, the kid wants to Take Care of his family)

he chose do take a second major in theoretical physics because one: it is his favorite kind of math, two: physics is a “science” major, but there is so much math in it that nobody really counts it, and three: there are so many topics in theoretical physics to choose from it’s like candyland for geeks

it is also a major contributing factor to why he and nursey don’t get along as well as, say, dex and chowder do

cats and fish, man, cats and fish (i’m talking about english and math majors, if you didn’t get it)

dex excels (i’m gonna cry) in both of his chosen fields as well as hockey and still finds time to work at whatever place is hiring until he finds this repair shop smackdab in the middle of samwell & somehow gets a job there

the pay is good & he manages his budget so he can send money to his ma, who hugs him tight on breaks and thanks him quietly with a kiss to his head

he works with his uncle in the repair shop and his other uncle on the lobster boat on breaks & gets his old job back at the local corner store when he’s home and he’s making it work, okay

nobody on the team knows he’s double majoring until near the end of his frog year when shitty groans about the exams he has to take as a double major and dex says something along the lines of “yeah, i’m not looking forward to that” and the haus kind of ... stops still

the responses:

“bro you’re double majoring?” ransom and holster look equally shocked

“motherfucking represent, brah” shitty high fives dex excitedly and lardo nods in approval in the background, fist bumping him when she goes to throw her drink away “nice, poindexter” 

“wow dex that’s so cool!!!! what are your majors???? one is in computer programming right?? i mean we took an intro to computer programming class together this year so you probably are right??? wow that’s so cool!!!!” take a guess who said this one

nursey kind of just shrugged and said “that’s chill, poindexter”

bitty smiled and planned out a double pie (mixed ingredients) (it was delicious)

jack nods once and says “well done” before asking if hockey could count as a major

“brah i’m not fucking triple majoring” shitty almost yells

“keep your damn pants on, shits” lardo doesn’t even look up from her sketchbook 

he ignores her advice

so dex finishes his frog year with great grades and a promised job for the next school year and goes back to maine for the summer and continues working and balances his family’s budget for them in his spare time so his mother can relax some while he’s gone at school and he plays with his siblings and accidentally befriends cassidy’s first boyfriend because thomas was talking about math

“what the hell willy” mark says to him later “you were supposed to help me intimidate him”

“he speaks math, not happening, marco polo”

in his sophomore year he spends a lot more time helping out around the haus so he can get dibs from one of the leaving seniors so he can forget about paying hella rent money to live on campus

it gives him more money to send back to maine

and then the DIB FLIP and he’s STUCK WITH NURSEY, THE ENGLISH MAJOR

“it’s chill”

“if you don’t shut the fuck up, nurse”    

in other news, the rest of the smh team finally manage to find out what his majors are when his bag falls open in the locker room one day and about, say, ten thousand books come out covering a wide spectrum of topics including but not limited to:

quantum tunneling, string theory, programming languages, artificial intelligence, boundary effects of conformal turbulence, coding theory, mathematical logic, and bi-local mean field theory for low dimensional quantum liquids with long-range interactions

“what the fuck, poindexter” is a popular phrase

dex flushes at the questions and the “holy shit how smart are you” comments and shoves all the books back in his bag before running back to his dorm

the next two years of his samwell career are momentous and important in more reasons that just math but those are different posts

cough nurseydex

his senior thesis for theoretical physics is on the dualities of some theories that shouldn’t connect in any logical way but really super do and he can prove it with all of his MATHEMATICAL EVIDENCE and PURE MATH GENIUS

his senior project for computer science is a home budget program because honestly he could do that in his sleep and honestly has at some point though it goes both ways in whether it is a good thing or not (most often it is not as once he was so influenced by a dream that he tried to put down ten dollars for a floating motorboat)

case in point: william jacob poindexter is a fucking math genius and DOUBLE-MAJORED in computer science and theoretical physics while his boyfriend cheered him on from the english building, ignoring the dark looks from his fellow english majors

[brightlotusmoon]

"Hey, Bright, you ever gonna write that actual Neuropsychology Of Michelangelo thesis you keep talking about, or are you just gonna keep rambling about Mikey on a Tumblr you created specifically to hold notes for that non-academic pretend dissertation?" *stares* Uhhhhhh. *fidgets* Look over there, it's a squirrel! PS, Mikey is one of the most complex characters in comics and cartoons specifically because cartoon iterations have written him as a vapid goofball who is mainly good for a laugh and is the most athletic ninja of the group, while hiding one of the deepest, most intense set of characteristics shown throughout the cartoon universe from the 1980s to the present. He is kind. empathetic, sweet, good at heart, fun, funny, genuine, emotionally intellectual, warm, playful, carefree. Yet in kid-friendly media, he's the jokester, the clumsy one, the eternal child, stupid, comedy relief turned to eleven, as David Wise changed him into the vapid food obsessed surfer template for the 1987 cartoom. 2003's Fast Forward season onward turned him into a joke, and earlier episodes didn't do him favors. He was abused for laughs, he was the butt of jokes, he was stereotyped as the flighty comedian with only a few moments of badass, kickass, sweetheart scenes to shine in. Count on Mike to screw it up. Mike was the one who made the mistakes, who everyone sighed and yelled at, the one who almost didn't graduate to the next level of Ninja just because his own sensei thought he was goofing off, never mind his epic natural skills. The one some fans were hoping would get brained with a lead pipe when Raph got angry in the fourth episode of the first season. The one who was so annoying, so aggravating, so whiny, he became a meme, he became a character for fans to dump ridiculous personality traits into, so much so that the writers of the 2012 cartoon ran with it. His own family emotionally abused him and he brushed it off as normal, in every series. Fans who wrote stories turned him into the ultimate whining little sibling, embarrassing in the extreme. Somehow the movies avoided or subverted that by giving him useful talents. The 2012 show eventually turned it around and made him a wise wild card with learning disabilities, but never acknowledged his fascination with science and culture unless his scientist brother was angry with him for trying to do a science. No wonder another dimension became his home. No wonder his psychic sensitivity worked best with extraterrestrial energies. Mikey's brain responds powerfully to things beyond science-based understanding. In reading through every Mikey-centric fanfic on FFnet and AO3 and Stealthy Stories, I found myself avoiding ones that painted Michelangelo as the chucklehead, the bad comedian, the whiny brat, the one nobody wants to be around because he would screw up. I guess I project too much. As a crippled kid, I was seen as different and wrong and what if cerebral palsy was catching, in an age where so many medical conditions were uncertain. Imagine if my autism and ADHD and epilepsy had been diagnosed back in the 80s or even 90s. I reached for Donatello for the introverted science lover but I flowed with and followed Michelangelo for the carefree shining wild child whom no one could pin down. I could never move like that but I could watch him and imagine such power. Nobody called him neurologically diverse because the word Neurodivergent wouldn't be coined until much later by my mentor and friends K. But Mikey was like my brain enough for me to See it. When I began writing fanfic that I didn't realize was fanfic as a young teen, I wrote about Michelangelo hurting, bleeding, being smothered, being abandoned, about Donatello realizing how extraordinary his brain was. I have been waiting for the B-Team to become the Let's Do Science Yay team because for four seasons Mikey was in the lab watching, touching, noticing, questioning. Donnie was facepalming, groaning, making warning labels, when he could have been teaching. NickToons, that isn't how you handle ADHD and sensory processing based curiosity. Mikey's brain was always a Chekov's Gun Trope and they left it still on the mantle. Even IDW hasn't picked it up yet. Kevin Eastman has some splaining to do okay? Unless these are hints for us the fans. I dunno. I'm just a major fan with almost three decades worth of Ideas. Please, 2018 cartoon, give us a smart fierce Mikey with obvious Emotional Intelligence, with a fascination in soft science and humanity, less comic and more satire, empathic and empathetic, reading auras like a clairvoyant. The new show is supposed to be about mystical powers, so do right by Mikey and push forth his natural intuition that Mirage started*? There. There's notes for a heckin thesis. (*only slightly more likely than black April who was literally named after Kevin's black girlfriend who died and is probably meant to be half Irish and half black and started with red hair and got it dyed and curled for the rest of Mirage but everywhere else she's a white redhead so who heckin knows, all I know is what drunk Kevin told my friends in a bar.)

[elvesofnoldor]

i have to make this goddamn post cause holy shit i have to let this out or i cant do anything today and i got a group project due tomorrow.

i have never been so disgusted and enraged because of two teachers-- not professors, teachers--in my entire goddamn 21 years of life. I have never hated any teachers before, but i feel like throwing hands with my thesis profs for weeks now lol! i was brought up in a culture that teaches younglings to respect authorities and to understand the hardship of teachers, professors etc--i really bought that especially when my mom was a teacher herself, but holy fuck!! Am i having beef with these two pieces of shits alright!!! The grade i gave on each of their teacher’s evaluations look like absolute shit, and let me tell u, i have never given 1/5 to any of my profs in four years of my university, and im giving ALL THE 1/5 to them cause they can fucking choke for all i care. 

earlier, i actually had to go to the counselling appointment immediately after class because i could not mentally function properly. I tried distracting myself this entire time after i ran my errands of the day, but honestly i still couldnt concentrate because thats how mad i fucking am 

i was nothing but polite and civil even to the last goddamn minute, even when i was trying to not have an emotional breakdown in Frances’ office (one of my piece of shit prof). neither of them were any help to me in this stupid thesis course (this course in itself is a piece of shit, the fact my film & media department even decides to come up with a fucking course than to pair their students with a thesis supervisor like ANY other undergrad departments is fucking ridiculous to start with). They have done literally the BARE minimum, and barely that.  i tried to be polite and nice and told Frances that i am grateful for their feedback and their help, and you know what this piece of shit tells me? she said, “well im just doing my job, i dont really care”. like wow ok, thanks for spitting in my face, fuck you bitch you think im actually grateful? for u doing BARE MINIMUM of your job?? you dont deserve an ounce of my respect and yet here i am, giving respect to u, because im a fucking bitch apparently. I should have gone to the department head than to waste time with you. 

its not just the fact they gave a C- on my midterm progress report that they gave absolutely no instruction on, really, its for the fact that the grade is 98% arbitrary and its not just for me. Its not like i hadnt got shit grades because i did something wrong in the past, im NOT whiny students that liked to complain abt not getting good grades, lol! i really feel like i need to talk to the department head about this course, because it is SHIT. There is a reason students applied for a thesis project and do it with ONE supervisor whose expertise matches with the students’ academic interest in literally ANY UNDERGRADUATE DEPARTMENT. my thesis profs said they cant make midterm progress report rubric for the class because our classmates are doing all different major thesis projects--well fuck!!! maybe there shouldnt be this course to start with!!! People not only needs this fucking course to graduate, someone like me depends to do a good job in it--and believe me i put in every ounce effort i can into this class--to ensure their grad school offer and scholarship! They fucked with my grade and potentially my future on arbitrary terms, and guess what, if they gonna fuck me up even more from this point on, well im going to the department head anyways. They tired to fuck me, i will fuck them back. 

my school counsellor told me that shes heard SEVERAL complaints about one of the profs, Droit. She is one of the fucking piece of shit thesis profs, and she is running the first year core film course and it is a complete disaster right now. Her expectation was too high and she gave no instruction whatsoever, and she thinks shes done NOTHING wrong. Why the fuck does this wrinkly pale ass piece of shit even have a job, is the fucking question here. After both my piece of shit thesis profs got in trouble with the department head because more than 5 people in the class complained to the department head about their teaching, Droit is REMOVED from teaching the course. Im not fucking alone here, im not being hysterical here, they were SHIT. But the funnier thing is, some of my fucking classmates, whom have done NOTHING to help me while i came to EVERY SINGLE CLASS to give them feedbacks on THEIR projects, were visibly not happy when i asserted my concerns in a civil manner in class. They had no idea how the profs treated ME in particular and they argued in favour of the profs when i tried to voice my concerns, and one of the extra bitch said she thinks we are not giving “constructive criticisms” and that shes not comfortable and that she needed to leave. like wow ok sorry you dont relate, you can leave anytime, dont have to rub ur statement against everybody’s fucking face. And considering i was the last to make comments, i knew who they were trying to refer to. To be honest, i did talk about not getting feedbacks from my classmates in my concerns, but because i was fucking nice, i turned that into a suggestion: i suggest the profs to get people to have individual or small group meetings with other profs with expertises that can better benefited the students, so that when my classmates have nothing to say about somebody’s project they can still get help from SOMEWHERE. 

i had to deal with piece of shit profs and piece of shit classmates, and honestly i did NOTHING wrong in the class. i looked angry and i was assertive, but shit, i didnt know you cant show ur rightful emotions and expressed it in a civil and politice manner anymore!!! 

[itsoundsbetterinmyhead]

An Act of Self-Care

I wish you don’t have what so called a toxic relationship or friendship with anyone, ever, in your life, like seriously.

I guess maybe the worst thing of having a toxic person in your life is that you know this person is bad for you, but you engage with all speed to love this person. you ignore all reasonable arguments, neglect your gut feeling, until one day you look back and you realize “ok that’s not healthy.”

The thing is you can’t simply stop loving this person. In my opinion, toxic person would be the most amazing, brilliant, dashing, human being that ever been in your life. You are deeply attached, that you can’t just quit until you hit your bottom, until your heart can finally listen to your brain and gut, until it’s not that you don’t care, it’s just you can’t

Disclaimer, this post would be really dramatic and all, so if you can’t stand it, I advise you to just, idk, leave?

Okay so here we go.

I had this friend, let’s juts call him Adam, back in college (oh yeah I’ve graduated, didn’t I tell you that?). He is the best friend that I could ever asked for, he gets my jokes (although most of the time he just didn’t get it), he tolerate how I could be such a lousy mom, and so on. However, we share completely different personality, I am joy, nice, considerate toward others, ‘singin out loud in the supermarket when the music is good’ kinda person and he is grumpy, apathetic, and basically an angry sack of meat. We also like different stuffs back when we first met, 3 and a half year ago. So from time-to-time I tried to liked what he likes, I started watched anime and played video games (the things that I never would have done it 4 years ago, tbh) so you know, to connect.

Oh did I have told you that he literally a loner and everyone just simply don’t like him because he is incredibly rude? Because he is. Everyone around me always saying “why you became friends with him anyway? I just can’t see why you want to be his friend.”

In our friendship, I always be the one who come around. I helped him get through college, help him with his projects, remind him of any important information and events around campus, etc. I am the best friend that everyone wish to have, seriously. I gave him everything of me, my heart and my time. But in return I get very little. He treats me like I’m nothing.

Hey I don’t want to be a jerk but I guess, after everything that I’ve been through for this guy, I deserve a special treatment.

Long story short, a friend of mine (and Adam) namely Idat talked to me about how he actually doesn’t like Adam’s behavior. He was tired that Adam always stayed at his place while he really need all his time to finished his thesis, Adam treat Idat’s place as ‘su casa mi casa’ which is totally not fine by him, although Idat never bring that up. Thus, he moved to another place, quitter and smaller than the previous but he got the peace he always wanted.

And somehow I spilled everything that I’ve been bottle up about Adam since a long time, how I felt really one-sided and also the thing I never brought up to anyone, how I feel socially jealous to another person.

So we had a friend, call him Ken, he is fun and kind. Apparently Adam bond so much with him. He pretty much loosen up around him and he followed Ken everywhere when he is around like a baby duck. But I know and everyone who notice apparently (including Ken, fyi) know that I did much more for Adam than Ken ever was! But somehow Adam can’t see it, heart wants what it wants, huh?

You know how sucks it is to see that in front of you, that you will never be enough, you asked yourself “what should I do so you gave me at least half as I gave you? What did he do that made you really fond of him because I’ll do it.” but I bottle this up since it’s weird and so unfamiliar but it’s eating me alive, figuratively.

And while I opened up to Idat, he just listed and then he said “yes, I notice that too.” Like???? Someone really notice that????

And from that moment I look back and think, “damn, am I really that damaged? Really love this person that I actually neglect my rational thinking? I mean, someone said “I could just replace you anytime” to me, after everything that I gave, is bad, right?” And after that talk I really lost, it felt all sudden that I actually froze, I feel the pain that worth 3 years rush in through my body.

Told you it would be dramatic.

Anyway I stop trying to contact Adam for quite some time, and then Idat had a sleepover at my place which then I told him who I am. I always the one who gave too much, I always prioritize my friend above all things, I will leave everything if my best friends need me, but I always be overlooked and I always ended up in pain. So, after I vented for an hour he said, “Once when we had some kind of short break and Adam and Ken stayed at my place, I asked Adam why he never hang out with you, he said “what for?” I knew that actually you weren’t as important as you to think in his life. I didn’t say anything because it wasn’t my business and also we weren’t that close before. So in my opinion, just leave him, you will be better off without him anyway.”

I mean ask everyone, I am a nice person in general, I am a great friend to my inner circle, and I am a really amazing best friend. So in the ideal world I shouldn’t be treated like some shit for God’s sake.

Oh I’ve talked to one of my close friend, Mei, we often hang out together, me, Mei, and Adam, and when I said that I choose to not be as close as I were to Adam I said that it doesn’t mean that she should stop being friend with him, right. And then she said “I hang out with him is because he is your best friend, and now I don’t see why I should hanging out with him, being friend, yes, but hanging out? I don’t think so.” Thus I feel so loved.

Then I spoke with Adam, what I felt and everything. I said that he actually cares to a person whether he realize it or not. I also said that I just need a closure, so I didn’t wish him to change or everything but I just want him to know that he just wasn’t my top priority anymore. I won’t come and rescue him, figuratively and literally. And all I got was silent and a simple “I got nothing to say.”

See, I’ve spent my life being his friend, tried to make him a better version of himself. I knew I will never be his person but I kept saying that I could change that. I spent my whole college life being there for someone that I completely abandon myself and still don’t get at least half of the effort that I have been given. I mean what kind of person does that?

Fyi, I am that kind of person who will gone through everything and give thousands chances for someone that I love. So believe me if I ever give up on you, it took everything of me to leave you alone.

The thing of toxic person is that that person is a sun, the light so bright and blinding that you couldn’t see the venom behind it. You were taken for granted and you treat the small gesture from that person as big as a mountain. You see their good quality only and put the bad aside. You create excuses when you’ve been treated badly and you accept their apologies although you never receive that. You can’t just simply get out because you loved that person so much. Every time you tried to run you convince yourself that that person has changed. And then you ended up getting hurt while that person barely thinking of you. And then when you decide to leave that person, the minute you started to heal, you really want to took that person back and you need to constantly remind yourself why you left that person in the first place. That sucks. It took me 3 and a half years to realize that, and for some, they need more time to realize that they had a toxic person in their life.

Here’s to people who had been, and are dealing with a toxic person. I won’t said it was easy because it doesn’t, the pain is so real that sometimes you just wished to just stop existing so the pain completely shut down. But I tell you what I always tell myself everyday, you will gonna get trough this, and someday you will think about this and you will cringed about how dramatic you were. But for now, just keep holding on because you are not alone.

[myselfinserts]

Underneath that laid back attitude, her’s really controlling and bossy.

Regi fell back onto the bed, letting out a groan of relief as he felt his entire weight sink into the mattress. The trip had ended with relatively no issues, aside from Allard being even more aloof than usual. Fielding had been escorted via separate transportation back to the dorms to have his things cleared. As it turned out, pissing off the current top of Support Design got you a one way ticket to expulsion. 

Regi wished he felt sorry for the guy, but he ran out of sympathy when he was forced into his contacts for the rest of the trip. He already put in an order for a new set, so hopefully they’d arrive soon. In the meantime, Rosine had no time to teach her classes this week due to work, so the students would be given a substitute, who would be focused on giving them proficiency tests in coding. 

Finally, something I’m good at.

Regi took out his contacts and closed his eyes, trying to get what little rest he could before he had to start studying again. As he slowly drifted off to slumber, his mind wandered briefly to his classmates, curious as to who would get a good score on those exams. 

Maybe it’s not fair that I have a leg up on all of them, he realized. I mean...it’s not like they all have an uncle with a vast collection of coding grimoires. Kind of feels like I’m cheating a little. Wish I could share this little piece with someone...

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

Regi sat up and looked around. He wasn’t expecting anyone. Especially since he didn’t really have anyone to expect. Except maybe Blanch. Or Mary. 

He really hoped it was the former. 

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

Cautiously, Regi got up and walked over to the door. But he didn’t open it. He didn’t have a peep hole here to check who was on the other side. Instead, he kept his hand on the knob and waited. 

“Who is it?” he called. 

“It’s...it’s Henri Didier” came a voice. “I’m here with Laplace.”

“He’s right,” Grégory added. 

“Can we talk?”

“Sure,” Regi said, slowly opening the door and expecting another punch to the face. To his surprise, however, the upperclassman was fidgeting in place, paper white skin looking a tad pink as his electric blue eyes darted everywhere but at Regi. Grégory stood behind him slightly off to the side. Both were dressed as though they were about to head out for the day. 

“Sorry to intrude after you just got back,” Grégory started. “I know it’s rude of us to drop by so unexpectedly, especially after a class field trip. But we thought it’d be best to stop by before we went to town for supplies.”

“That’s fine,” Regi assured. “What is it you wanted to talk about?” He let out a nervous chuckle. “Last time we spoke, you didn’t exactly seem all that keen on friendly chatter, Didier.”

Henri continued fidgeting, trying his best to avoidlooking right into his eyes. “I…I talked to my supervisor. He said myproject is still safe to continue as is. And that it could actually be good formy thesis if I could get the blueprints from you to compare to my work. Maybeeven use it in the presentation. So…Well, uh…I mean…”

Grégory let out asigh, patting Henri on the head to get him to calm down. “What my roommateis trying to do here is apologize for his behavior, and to ask a favor.”

“Y-yeah,” Henri stuttered, his movementsslowing to a halt. “I’m sorry for threatening you like I did. And takingmy stress out on you. That was…that was very out of line, and you didn’tdeserve that.”

Regi felt like he could collapse right then and there.Instead, he managed a smile. “Water under the bridge.”

Henri looked at him in shock. “Seriously? Just likethat? I fucking tried to scare you into dropping out.”

“No use in picking fallen petals off the ground.You can’t put them back on the plant, so it’s better to let new flowersbloom.” He lightly tugged on his ponytail. “I’m afraid I can’t giveyou the blueprints since I made it enraged and on the fly, but I could talk toMadame about giving you the fishing rod to analyze, if that would work. We’rekeeping it at her offices right now.”

“That…that would be great, actually. Thankyou.”

“No problem. Anything for a friend.”

“We’re not-”

“Ahem.” Grégory shot him a warning stare.“Henri.”

Henri chuckled nervously, starting to finally relax.“Okay. Sure. Friends or whatever.” He gave a slight shrug. “Why not? Not like I got many anyway...”

Regi couldn’t stop smiling. A friend. Finally, a friend in the same field. Someone he could talk to about inventions and the latest in design. It might not last long, given Henri would be graduating sooner than himself. But even then, for just a little while, he’d have someone he could call a friend in tech. That made at least three people he could count as friends here in Paris. Four if he counted Lisette, but he hadn’t seen her since their first meeting. He hoped he could count her too.

“Anyway,” Grégory said. “We’ll be heading out soon. You have my number, so just text me when you want to get together with Henri, okay? We’re still trying to get him a new phone.”

Henri gave a pout. “Not my fault that they don’t make phones that are quirk resistant.” He let out a tired sigh. “Some people don’t understand lasers.”

“Wait, lasers?!” Regi’s eyes went wide in excitement. “Do you have something like laser vision or laser fingers or something?”

“Uh...y-yeah. Laser eyes.” Henri’s face burned pinker. “Pretty weak though. Small, I mean. It’s only really good for smaller and more precise cuts on most materials. Even diamonds and the toughest metals. Not good for hero jobs but...perfect for this line of work.” 

“I can imagine! You must be amazing with it! I’d love to see it in action sometime!”

“Well...once I get a phone, I guess...I can call you when I’m working on stuff. Nothing major just...small stuff.”

Grégory put an arm around both their shoulders, giving both boys a loving squeeze. “It’s nice to see you both enjoying yourselves. It’ll be nice to spend time together more often. We should all get together for afternoon tea sometime.”

Regi nodded. “I’d like that a lot.” His eyes lit up. “Or how about dinner? My treat?”

Henri let out a groan. “Dinner sounds so good, but these errands will take all day.”

“What are you doing?”

“We’re going to the hardware stores around town,” explained Grégory. “The dorm father wants us to go get supplies to put in new doors with peep holes and stronger bolts. We’re ahead on our work, so we offered to go do the shopping while he finishes the paperwork.”

“He...is?” Regi felt his stomach flip. “Why the sudden change?”

“Some red-headed weirdo in horror movie tees,” Henri groaned. “Keeps looking for you and gets really damn bossy and annoying when we want her to leave.”

“Mary...” He let out a grumble, pulling away and lightly smacking his head on the door frame. “I’m sorry about my girlfriend. Normally she’s more laid back than this...”

“Well, it seems like underneath that laid back attitude, she’s really controlling and bossy.” Henri’s brow furrowed tightly. “You gonna be okay, kid?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. And I better just go find the dorm father and get my chewing out over with.”

Grégory gave him a pat on the head, letting his quirk soothe Regi’s mind. “Want us to wait for you and then you come with us?”

Regi smiled, slowly feeling calmer than before. “I’ll be okay. You two go on ahead. Sooner we anti-Mary this place, the better.”

“If you ask me,” Henri grumbled, “you should just break up with the stalker already and get a restraining order.”

“I have considered it,” Regi admitted. “But...hero politics back home complicate matters.” 

“That’s rough, man.”

The three finished their conversation and, after taking a bit to clean up, Regi made his way downstairs to the main office to speak with Monsieur l'Oie about his girlfriend’s behavior. No one liked a lecture from the goose man, but it was better to endure twenty minutes of honking rambles than to get kicked out of his only place of residence. He’d gladly be chased by a thousand of l’Oie if it meant Mary didn’t cause him to end up on the street.

Mary was another problem altogether. There was no way Regi could approach this subject with her. The moment he attempted it, he knew she’d cry and hold him tightly and force a kiss on him. And lately, all of her kisses tasted sour. He did not want that taste again. 

But as he continued to wander aimlessly around campus, he knew he had to take some steps now. It’d get worse otherwise. 

Why is this so hard?

Slowly, he took out his phone. 

> Hey, I’m back. And we need to talk.

> REGI! OMG, where have you been?!

> School stuff. Listen, you can’t come around my dorm anymore. The dorm father said he’d kick me out and report us both to the EHA if you keep showing up there.

> Oh god. I’m so sorry, Regi, I never meant to cause that much trouble. 

> I know. Look, can we talk about it later this week? I have some tests to do and need to focus on those. After that, you and me, a long talk about stuff. Okay?

> Okay. Oh! I forgot to give you the address of where I’m staying. Here, come by my room when you have time.

Regi let out a sigh, knowing full well Mary would probably only stop coming to the dorms. No doubt she’d still come by campus and bother him. He’d have to find someplace quiet to hide and study if he ever left his room. There was still a lot of information in his grimoires he’d have to study with no disturbances. 

Maybe I should ask Blanche if she’d let me study at her place or something... No, Mary would just follow me there. Last thing I want. 

Ping!

Regi looked back at his phone, smiling. “Speak of the devil. Or angel, rather.” He opened up the text from Blanche. 

Only to feel a punch in the gut. 

> Little bird told me you got hurt on the trip and didn’t tell the teacher. Made him really grumpy on the trip too. Naughty boy, that’s too reckless. Are you okay?

For some reason, Regi wasn’t too surprised. A little, perhaps. But not much. 

> Long story short, mostly okay. Wanna meet up for coffee tomorrow after class? Seeing you smile would make me feel better. 

> Your treat?

> Yep.

> Sounds good. Same spot as usual. 

“Good,” he whispered. “A nice coffee talk with Blanche will do the ol’ Renegade some good.”

Ping!

“Huh? Another one?” Regi opened the newest text, surprised it came from Tanith. “Oh right. Wasn’t she picking up her penpal yesterday?” He read over the message, eyes wide as he saw the photo attached. 

Tanith had taken a selfie, showing her with her new friend and Uncle Elbert sitting at the kitchen table. Marianne was pouring tea while Luci served some cookies, and by the looks of things, Elbert was in complete and utter shock. The young girl, who he could only assume was the visiting friend, was smiling coyly, her eyes hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses. Shogi tiles were seemed to be no longer moving. 

> Uncle Elbert’s no longer the family undefeated shogi champ! Can you believe it? L’s really amazing!

“Thank god she stayed.” Regi replied back quickly that he was so happy for her. And to wish everyone well for him. He stared at the photo for a little while longer, taking in the smiles and joy radiating from the image. 

Slowly, however, his stomach began churning again. 

Mary...really should be there with them right now, like she’d promised. Not here chasing me as usual. And I don’t...I don’t think I want her chasing me anymore.

Do I really want to break up with her or...?

Regi shook his head. He needed to focus on one thing at a time. First, studying. Then the Mary problem. With a beat against his chest filled of determination, he turned back toward his dorm room and prepared to take on the proficiency tests. 

There’s no way I’m not getting the top score this week.