#one moment im like existential dread

[svbhuman]

oh god i did nothign today fuck fuck

[narwhalandchill]

ok one thing i am Absolutely certain of is that something is Up with misha and im far from the only one

the fact that literally No character acknowledges his presence beyond us and clockie (who, mind you, isnt seen by anyone else either). how his dialogue as a visitor to the express has him likening it to feeling the way "home" does. the fucking keyhole eyes and the keyhole door motifs in the dreamscape Especially a childs dream (and whos a child in the penacony cast???)

and just honest to fuck the ENTIRETY of a childs dream like. mikhail. when misha is a diminutive of the name. the voices you hear during the story segment in the map DEFINITELY include mishas. they describe it as a dream that is created from the memories of a child yet its also the map that contains the most references to the watchmaker including that room which seems like his workshop or sth??

his interest in the astral express and the new gacha destruction LC literally depicting him receiving a ticket to the express (from his grandpa too whos prolly the mikhail n also the watchmaker) combined with the fact our invitation to penacony was using the EXPRESS distress call genuinely makes me feel like it could be him behind that hidden message

n then i just saw a comment that wondered whether hes the fucking nilou to penaconys "dream". and like. it would be so fucking wild but also adds up so well?? Or maybe im insane but listen.

penaconys dream is falling apart its sinking back into the depths of a much more chaotic, dangerous memory space. the way the dream samsara in genshin 2.0 story worked was that it depended on the "dreamer" never becoming aware of the fact that theyre dreaming. and what question does the distress call slash invitation carry? one thats pondering the meaning of dreaming. one that i can VERY well believe to be coming from someone whos literally been dreaming for aeons know How long slowly becoming aware and asking Why. Why does life slumber?

if misha has been created as or made into the lynchpin of penaconys dream holding it all together but for some reason has begun rousing from his slumber and gotten close enough to awareness that he IS dreaming that its beginning to affect the stability of the dreamscape. and he has some sort of vague memories (or maybe inherited ones thru his 'grandpa' who might well be just the watchmaker that Created him) of the express. wouldnt it make complete sense for the first thing in his mind to call for the express?

and even things like "death" too? if misha is the dreamer and waking up and hes fucking terrified and confused and disoriented. Yet its still his dream that makes up the entirety of the dreamscape. its not at all unrealistic on the level of just the idea itself that his creeping existential dread of who he even is and if hes even real outside of this dream hes now been forced into being aware of. begins to take the shape of an actual death incarnate in the memory zone. bc isnt that what it is to discover you yourself might just be a part of a dream - and a dream that could fall apart any moment if you wake up. That he might be already dead - or never even have existed in reality at all. like sheesh kid id be spawning nightmarish horrors into my dreamscape too

then i also just rly feel like. the watchmaker equals a nameless equals mikhail equals mishas grandfather but also the creator of penaconys dream but also possibly either the creator of misha or maybe misha himself being not only a diminutive of mikhail in name but Literally . as in a fragment of the watchmaker left behind in the dreamscape as the dreamer holding it all together. the LITERAL watchmakers legacy. like hhhhhhhh i cant stop thinking about thiss

if aventurines trying to take back penacony for the IPC does it mean hes literally trying to wake misha up to destroy the dream (tho he might be unaware of this being the final step as of rn himself)?? and the familys interest is obviously in forcing the dreamer to slumber eternally. but the one thing neither party might foresee is misha himself taking action too. which hes Already done if it was him behind those invites too

+ acherons comments when u first meet her? about the dream being doomed to fall apart in the end. it feels prophetic. ppl have theorized shes an emanator of terminus the finality which could mean she experiences linear time in reverse the same as her aeon. literally traveling from the end to the beginning in a predestined path. so if thats true then its almost guaranteed she wasnt making a hypothetical comment about the dream being destroyed.

she mightve seen it happen already.

man what the hell is going on in this planet😭😭

[madohomo]

its my golden bday babyy i am 29 on the 29th today

life updates under the cut!!

i feel like my lifes been going 1000mph for a while now but some notable moments

- i got my masters degree and it was the hardest thing ive ever done honestly i didn't think i was gonna make it but my degree is in applied biosciences!! im v passionate abt a lot of science research so im excited to see where that takes me.

- im a homeowner now !! living w my 3 siblings and splitting a mortgage and its honestly so nice. the house so lovely and ive been through so much roommate hell in the past decade so its been nice to have housing security and ppl i can count on. house is kind of a zoo with so many animals though (2 cats, cockatiel, snake, axolotl, fish & coral) but we make it work

- I'm still working in clinical research as a coordinator on the only NIH funded long covid trial and it's been kind of brutal. not just because of the topic and the study itself being all over the fucking place, but they recently fucked me over financially and now I'm pretty much stuck working there until at least early next year.. but it does feel cool to contribute to such important research that is going to affect millions of people! I've been working on covid studies since summer of 2020 on both treatments and vaccines and now long covid. so I'm pretty burnt out but grateful that I've learned so much about how to protect myself and my loved ones because I'm pretty much the only person I know that still hasn't gotten covid yet. please PLEASE continue to mask, most importantly protect your face holes, and care for each other because everything we know so far is so horrific and we still have very little in terms of treatment options. the future is really looking so grim tbh.

- since October of last year I've been pretty involved in local organizing centered around Palestine. since then and especially during the international call for encampments I've really gotten to know a lot of amazing people who inspire me and remind me that a better world really is possible and we can really fucking build it ourselves. I feel like I've spent a really large portion of my twenties grieving my future because of climate catastrophe and endless war. but for the first time I feel safe and hopeful. I really encourage everyone to connect with your local organizations, meet people and get involved because getting connected and organized is really the only solution to every problem we face and if you're like me and feel existential dread on the daily, this is the best solution.

- and speaking of the friends and comrades we met along the way... I just want to talk about how much I love my friends and the people around me because I would have never made it to 29 without you. I love my local sapphic squad That makes that drained social battery go back to being full. and I love love all my out-of-state friends who continue to talk to me and want to be in my life still despite the distance!! I'm literally flying out tomorrow and seeing East Coast friends I started hanging out with during Homestuck days back in 2013 and now 11 years later. we're still planning shit together.

[joelletwo]

that little robot manga...?

i forgot how to do a casual rec writeup so im gonna do a stilted one, because i'd like it if you read this comic and enjoyed it like i did.

format: charming Form-y and expressive art style. 140 chapters which are all very short and more following a flow of time than a plot. easy to lose yourself and read 50 of 'em in a sitting. i've heard.

story: oh this one's easy. android girl Alpha runs a countryside cafe in place of her owner while she awaits their return. um, well it doesn't seem like they will, but she's a longliving android, so she can keep waiting. um, but life continues and is never the same twice, so is she really waiting as she goes out and experiences the world and the things it can discover and share with her? well but she's running a cafe. that's always true

and that world is a post-cataclysmic japan of unshown cause, except "post" isn't really the right phrasing... the consequences reach far and long and the world continues to change around the remaining people as the years go by, continuing to change them in turn, and vice versa. the past is in living memory, witnessed and passed on in stories and missed, but adapted from, by humans, by robots, by machines, by wildlife, by the landscape itself.

and the story very skillfully presents the liquid boundaries between all those categories, and between past history and memories and living-gaining-losing present and the future coming to settle over you gently. the way that any of those can coexist, or come together to forge a connection, or just share a space for a moment and see each other before continuing on.

this is all very metaphorical but also literal. the existence of robots came, scientifically, from a culmination of human experiences of things like Sounds, and Feelings Of Striving Desperation. they're an achievement but not a means, an existence in themselves, a new Being that gets to experience the world in all its possible senses

a world the story isn't really interested in Solving or Explaining... just... showing, and having you along. life continues, life finds a way, life shrugs and says, "ah, what can you do."

it gets a little Existentially Dreadful............. or it flirts right on the boundary of it, but none of its chars are really big enough to worry about such things, even the ones who will be there long after everything's done. they're concerned more with meeting someone new, and making a little conversation for a minute.

you may notice me running on long... i feel like i couldnt say everything this manga's so concisely, understatedly doing in words if i tried for a year. i didnt even get to, the robots have to lesbian-make out to share memories but its really so charming that they do and get flustered about it and feel weird in their friendships afterwards, well what can i say about that. its all so matter of fact, this manga, it's not important, look, now there's a chapter about the sensory feel of sitting just-shielded-from a torrential summer downpour as it comes and passes.

to close out, here's a palette of words i wrote down as i went.

life continuing. life happening. persistence. independence. sensory. passerby-intimate. ponderous. contemplative. invites you to experience. communal. disappearing.

and then here's some more words and pictures so i can make a couple comparisons.

-

-

well........................................... this one feels mean of me to make bc i have admitted im unfair about the Attack Helicopter short story. i dont enjoy the experience of reading it i feel Confronted by it, in a really skillful but unpleasant way. but it was unshakeable while reading this to draw the comparison. the Embodying the overlapping identities, the somewhat enforced and fraughtly militarized way you go thru life as a human born in a State, the sensuality of doing so. <- its. i havent found a better way to say it. such a glancingly sensual manga. it's very into what it feels like to be in a Body.

and well ive always been glad something out there is doing what AH story is doing. so now im glad there's Two.

long sequence v

[...]

well so i said i picked this manga up because of the green-haired robot with a job and a cameras-that-look-like-eyes focus i wanted to compare to tama, aye...? i still have the Eye Posts deep in my drafts.....................

but i do love cameras as, theoretically, a way to get around The Hole!!!!! (take an objective snapshot of an experience to be able to share it with someone outside your perspective in place and time and brain and eyes) except it's not actually...? the gap still cannot be crossed and a photo only serves to highlight and intensify that...? no man ever steps in the same river twice for its not the same river and he's not the same man...?

um. thats all............................ end post........

[toothedmammal]

Just got done watching Pluto (2023) and I got thoughts about them

For context, Pluto is an retelling of the Astro Boy arc "The Greatest Robot in the World" redone as a murder mystery/political intrigue type story, I feel like it did a really cool job trying imagine the sort of social and emotional things that would happen if humans really did share a world with sentient robots. Like it's very clear from the get go that robots in this world are capable of feeling emotions, even if the many of the humans they live with don't know or acknowledge that fact. I really like the way that Asmov's first law of robotics was implemented and interrogated, I really like how there were so many characters with unmoving faces yet still their emotions were conveyed by the dialogue and framing of the scene, theres a lot I like about Pluto and id highly recommend checking it out if you're into animation or sci-fi or robot stories!

...that being said, im not sure how familiar you need to be with the OG Astro Boy lore and worldbuilding for this story to make sense despite Astro/Atom not being super central to this version, there are places where things just aren't explained because of assumed familiarity with the source material, Uran's abilities and Atom's like...whole deal being big ones imo.

Overall I really liked Pluto (2023), there were parts that really fucking moved me, the fuckin arc with North No.2 made me close to tears ngl. I would recommend watching it, but I also have a few thoughts on the ending, which I've written below to try and sort them out. Spoilers below:

"Hate doesn't make anything [good]" is a good moral and all but are we just going to ignore the fact that all this bullshit started cause of the in universe version of the Iraq war? Cause the stand in for the US just fuckin invaded a sovereign nation under the guise of weapons of mass destruction and humanitarian/robotitarian rights violations and then just indiscriminately laid waste to everyone living there?

Maybe I shouldn't have expected a full on anti-imperialst/anti-colonial screed from what is at the end of the day an officially endorsed Astro Boy remake but the buildup really felt like it was going somewhere more profound and critical of the status quo than just "hate and revenge is bad"

Idk, I feel like the President of Thracia should have gotten more comupance than just a light strangling and a brief moment of existential dread, like that wouldn't fix anything realistically and would totally go against the moral of the story but at the same time like...if you want the cycle of hate and revenge to stop you do have to actually take measures to ensure that the people who set the war in motion can't just do that again later. At least show the president of Thracia being brought in front of the international court or something and imply that systemic change might happen. Which yeah would be unrealistic but idk if the end note is supposed to be one of hope for a better future where there is no more hatred, then showing some concrete steps to prevent the biggest superpower from just starting another war cause they feel like it would make that feel a bit more achievable.

I am overthinking an officially endorsed Astro Boy fanfiction, it made me mad. Maybe I just want to see at least a fictional version of my stupid bloodthirsty dogshit country face consequences for its genocidal actions.

I also still have no fucking idea what that teddy bear/Bitcoin mining rig was or how it effected any of the events in the plot. It was framed like a mastermind at the last minute but then no explanation was given, maybe it's a reference I'm missing to the OG Astro Boy story, or it was explained more in the Manga. Idk. I'll read the manga and see I guess.

[melodyfsoul1]

LOKI S2 FINALE GLORIOUS PURPOSE

Just spent over an hour crying over the Loki S2 Finale, and still havent recovered, but here I go anyway with my Reaction/ Review

*Loki S2 E6 Spoilers ahead*

Okay so... before watching the episode I wrote down a couple things that I did NOT want to happen/ but knowing myself, and my luck with my characters, figured that was exactly what would happen....

and turns out... I was correct....

Back in Infinty War I feared/ predicted that Loki was gonna die in the first 10 min in a stupid way where he wouldnt be able to show off his powers... and we all know how that turned out...

For this season finale, all I hoped was that Loki, for once wouldnt play the self sacrifical lamb, and find a way where he didnt have to lose Mobius and his new found friends, where he would be not alone...

So.... yeah.... about that....

Now to the Review/ Reaction:

God I was so scared

"Glorious Purpose"

The title alone had me tearing up.... we really came full circle back to S1 E1 and the fact that they started the recap with 2012 Loki too...

1 min 30 in and I'm already pausing, THE INTRO IS BACKWARDS, thar was so cool

So we all knew Loki would have to go back and try to safe everyone

BUT MARVEL DIDNT HAVE TO SHOW US TIMELY DYING OVER AND OVER AGAIN (and in so many angles too....)

Then Loki trying to learn everything OB knows to be prepared to help, but it would take time, makes sense

"CENTURIES LATER"

WHAT?! They really did that, good thing Loki has that long Life span...

The fact that all the characters realizes sth was off with Loki but MOBIUS is the one to stop and talks to him, and Loki telling him to trust him.... my heart

OH MY GOD ITS WORKING?! And Timely survived too? Did not expect that

I have never seen Loki this relieved/ happy but at the same time sad and exhausted before...

But of course its never that "easy"

No matter what, the infinite amount of branches will always detroy the loom, so the moment a timeline branched everything was doomed from he start... Ah yes Marvel and their existential dread...

Loki going back to before Sylvie killed He Who Remains, trying to convince her not to kill him.... and of course she says he has to kill her if he wants to stop her...

God Loki's Emotional Damage....

Of course Loki cant

HWR COULD HAVE STOPPED TIME THAT THE WHOLE TIME!??!! The fact that he figured Loki has gone through this whole scene before and still just watched

He knows about time slipping...

He paved he road

He planned this

Him and Loki had this conversations before

"We die with the dying, we are born with the dead"

That is such a sick quote :0

Its basically Loki vs HWR forever, and Loki knows he will always lose... but still wants to try... kudos to his determination

And of course Loki cant bring himself to trade lives... not Sylvie's, not his friends and not the multiverses...

Loki goes back to the first time he talked to Mobius...NOOOOO not the Throne talk, why does this feel like a final good bye talk.... I HATE IT

Though S1 E1 Mobius having a chat with S2 E6 Loki is such an interesting concept

He wants to find out how they chose who lives and dies... ("Who lives, who dies, who tells your story" huh? Sorry but I had to make that Hamilton reference XD)

"You're not gonna find comfort in the TVA" - Mobius to Loki

BUT HE DID, LOKI DID FIND COMFORT, IN YOU MOBIUS, Im gonna cry ... the TVA was the first place where Loki could just be himself and he found friends there too

Also Mobius might be the only comfort character who actually gives comfort (and isnt just an angsty mess who hasnt had a happy day ever)

Mobius telling the story of a hunter who couldnt kill a kid, which caused more death, loosing sight of the bigger picture

So he is talking about himself right? And of course Renslayer was the Partner

Mobius telling Loki they have to chose a burden and live with it... that it leaves scars.

Theres this sinking feeling again

And the scene SPGAHETTIFIES?! I SWEAR TO GOD MARVEL, NOT AGAIN, STOP GIVING US FANS PTSD THROUGH VISUAL EFFECTS

I dont know what to think of Loki & Sylvie's final talk.... Loki has an idea?

Oh NoNONONONONONO

I FREAKING KNEW HE WAS GONNA GO THE SELF SACRFICE ROUTE BACK FROM EP 1 AND I FIGURED HE WOULD TAKE TIMELY'S PLACE IN EP 5 BUT THIS?!

Cant he ever be happy?! Is there any Loki, in any universe who actually gets to be happy?!

The fact that Mobius was the first to notice and that him and Sylvie immediately followed Loki, tried to talk him out of it

Loki looking back, saying he finally knows what he wants

MY HEART

LOKI WALKING THROUGH SPACE WITHSTANDING THE RADIATION JUST LIKE THOR WITHSTOOD THE DYING STAR IN INFINITY WAR, THE PARALLELS

THE NEW OUTFIT, THE CAPE, HIS HORNED HELMET, OH MY GOD

It looks like an End of Time Aesthetic Version of his Ragnarok Outfit wih the Cracked Kintsugi helmet

Ngl at first I had no idea if he was using his powers to manually destroy, change or preserve the branches.... or weave them together

Oh and to be clear I was crying during like the whole last 20 min of the episode because that was just too many emotions at once

Also can we talk about how freaking cool looking the shots of Loki with the new Helmet and the branches being his cape, were?!

The throne... Oh god the remains of HWR throne...

LOKI'S GLORIOUS PURPOSE WAS TAKING ON THE BURDEN OF THE THRONE HE NEVER WANTED

*starts violently sobbing*

Poetic, Ironic and Heartbreaking, all at the same time

Like, is it extremely cool to see him use his powers to his full potential? Yes definitely.

Were the cinematics beautiful? Yes of course, it was gorgeous, tho the moment I realized he was making Yggdrasil, I started bawling my eyes out, because "You go Loki, show us what you can do"

But I also felt my heart break because Loki is now at the end if time, chose to have to watch over & protect the multiverse, all alone, forever.... (can he leave that place?)

Like this is the very same Loki, who just, 1 episode ago, admitted that he is terrified of being alone, who just wants to be with his friends. L1130 is a Loki who was actually happy and had friends, a place where he felt safe because he could be himself. And he gave EVERYTHING up to give EVERYONE ELSE a chance at life, a life he might not be able to take part in... he can watch, but we dont know if he can interact with them....

I literally talked about that in my reaction/ review from last episode. Sylvie & Loki are both selfish, which is ironically a very human trait (them being gods and all), but unlike Sylvie, Loki would actually give up everything to safe others, which is exactly what he did.

And I know Comic Loki, God of Stories, wrote himself out if the Narrative as well, out of the Story, to look behind the curtain, have a talk with the beings behind everything, but that Loki also had Verity, he had a friend outside of everything, he had someome to talk to, a friend. Verity is one of my fav characters and I would have loved to see her Comic Version too in the MCU, but I saw B-15's Name was revealed to be Verity Willis, so thats is cool Easter Egg :D

Back to Loki, I honestly cant tell which Loki has it the worst... I always thought the main Loki dying to Thanos had it the worst, but he sth akin to a life and he got the chance to mend his relationship with Thor before he died his heroes' death...

Now L1130, in the worst case, is damned to spent eternity alone, the very thing he is scared of, being without his friends, forced to watch from afar as they live life without him, when all he wanted was to be with them... that is unless he can just leave the place whenever he wants to (if the branches allow it I guess?) But if it turns out that he cant leave that place/ or interact with anyone, without everything going down immediately, then I would argue that this Loki's life is worse than the other's death... and I cant believe Im describing Infinity War Loki's Death as a mercy...

Back to the ep...

AFTER?! Right theres an after

The TVA is still intact, with a new leader ship and everyone working together, B-15, OB, Casey and even Ms Minutes is helping?

Mobius looks so sad doing his job though...

Hes gonna LEAVE?! He wants to experience his own life on the timeline, huh... Loki did promise that to Don... and M is going for it, thats sweet actually

Renslayer got sent to the end of time, Alioth waiting for her, well then

Mobius seeing what his life used to be is so sweet, likes how perfectly imperfect is it

Sylvie visits too?

"Its weird Loki's not around" she says and I start bawling my eyes out again, now thats just salting the wound.... at least they remember him

NOOOOO THE SHOT OF LOKI IN HIS THRONE

He is smiling, but he's crying too

Is there ANY Marvel Movie, or Show where Loki doesnt cry?!?! My freaking heart...

Look I know this ending makes rational sense.... and it was defintely epic, and we finally got Loki at his full potential, and yes, Loki being finally recongnized as one of the most powerful MCU characters is cool.

But personally, on an emotional level, that ending is somewhere between bittersweet and absolutely heart breakingly dreadful, because Loki didnt want this, he didnt want the throne, he only did this to save his friends, he gave up his own happiness and I hate it... I know he is happier knowing his friends have a chance at life and that he chose this, but there wasnt much of an choice with HWR....

I just hope that Loki learning to control time means he can at least visit his friend, pop in from time to time, because if him leaving the throne/ the branches means everything could come crashing down, then thats just sad...

And what does that mean for the teased Loki & Thor Reunion?! WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?! We didnt even get an end credit scene?!

Anyways, I'm gonna rewatch the season the next couple days and go through some theories and head canons and see whether that will change my opinion on the ending, but we'll see.

[celeste444spacey]

INSTANT MANIFESTATION 🕛

Hello it girls of tumblr I’m back again

And today I’ll be talking about instant manifestation

Instant manifestation is something that we all want to figure out how to do. And I’m here to help you today to manifest instantly <3

So let’s get into it.

Manifesting on a time crunch is actually really easy. You can control when you want your manifestations (it is your creation after all). This means if you wanted something by tomorrow morning? You can actually have it.

But we all feel like it’s hard sometimes and also we fear it’s impossible. And therein lies the catch. Ah the good old dread.

We as humans have been conditioned to think that if we want something we need to struggle for it. That if we want something that means we must cry for it. This mindset is why there’s only like 1% people living the lives they want and the rest complain about their living.

Now see, what is time? Time is linear. It’s a human construct. Time is only past present or future. Time is a measurement that was developed by us to be able to comprehend our existence on this universe since our lifespans compared to the universe is so so so tiny that’s it’s negligible. The universe on the other hand is so so so big, that our understanding of time is practically nothing compared to it. Now let’s stop the existential crisis and let’s go to manifesting.

Manifestation is not creating something out of thin air. Remember: Creation is complete. Which means you’re simply bringing whatever it is that you want (all your desires already exist) by using the power of positivity and the spiritual laws of attraction and/or assumption.

You have a near infinite version of yourselves. Best way to prove this is that everyone who knows you knows a different version of you. You’re a different manifested version for everyone in their lives. This means that each passing moment there’s a version of you that already has what you want.

I personally do not think that i’m “accelerating” my desires, I simply think that I shift to a reality where I already have what I want. That i access the version of me that has what I want. And that’s what you are going to do. Shift to a reality you want whenever you want. As simple as that.

I won’t go into explaining super deep about time and creation etc. im simply here to tell you how to do it so here goes.

Whenever you think your desires are impossible, zoom out a bit. Think of the universe, how vast it is, and how truly big it is. It is huge and enormous and these words don’t even begin to explain that. Now think about your desire. Tiny right? No do not get into an existential crisis! It’s tiny, yes but that’s all you need to know! Creation seems so impossible in itself but it exists, so why won’t a reality where you get into your dream college for example not exist? It’s shameful honestly to think it would be impossible.

So manifesting instantly

HERE’S HOW YOU DO IT

Do not overthink it! One of the most common mistakes is thinking and worrying about what you want over and over again . Trust me neither will it make you feel good nor will it make your situation any better.

Act as if and let go. You shift to the reality where you have what you want by thinking like the version of yourself that belongs in that reality.

FOR EXAMPLE: if you want to get into your dream college ( like the above example) you wouldn’t worry about not getting in it right? CAUSE YOU ALREADY GOT IN! You wouldn’t think about it over and over again. Neither would you keep affirming every 5 minutes about it.

Get clear on what you want and do not settle! Circumstances might seem the opposite of everything but it is very crucial to be in the mindset of ‘I already have it’

STOP SAYING I WANT! INSTEAD SAY I HAVE OR I AM. Saying ‘I want’ implies you do not have it and that’s not true cause you already have your desire. Stop being desperate. Desperation looks horrible on a hot girl like u luv

Know that it is you who decide. There’s no divine timing babe you ARE in divine timing whenever you manifest.

Distract yourself if u get negative thoughts.

Change I’m nervous to I’m excited. Did u know that your body reacts to anxiousness and excitement in the same way? Use this trick next time you’re worried.

Apply these small but surefire methods to get whatever it is that you desire.

You’re a hot girl and hot girls get everything babe.

Calm down, you already have it

It’s a long post i know

K bye for now

xoxo

[toshkakoshka]

im a teen refugee so i'm really huge on the whole "lost childhood" thing. i think it's a really interesting concept when applied to spiderpeople because a lot of them were bitten at 14/15 and had to take on this huge responsibility which obv affects them in insane ways, essentially not giving them time to grow up. yk how anne rice used vampires as a metaphor for being gay in "interview with the vampire"? the spider bite could be a metaphor for anything really, but it boils down to that intense feeling of grief over normal experiences that they'll never have now. i feel like hobie becoming spiderman gave him more of a purpose in life, as prior to that he didn't have good living conditions either, but it also have him the ability to travel dimensions. the ability to maybe find himself in other dimensions, where the other version of him happily lives with his family... all that stuff that miguel saw.

another thing i'm really huge on is hurt/comfort, sooo... pav seeing hobie drown in all this existential dread, and, well, he can't defeat the multiverse for his boyfriend, but what he can do is make a safe space where hobie would truly feel at home. where they can do their silly little cozy date nights and leave behind their day to day responsibilities for a few moments. pav would decorate it and stuff and then surprise hobie with the end result. honestly love that for them

OH YEAH DEFINITELY!!! it's a really like. overshadowed thing but it's really unfortunate that the spiderkids tend to grow up wayyy too fast for their own age. they're all burdened with the weight of these issues and it's so sad to think about :((( hobie and gwen are very much good examples as to how they've matured too fast (im sayin that gwen also suffers this and i could go on rambling about it because she and peter b's dynamic is crazy to me. its like shes the mature one but that's a post for another day) and like. ohhh my god so fucking true.

anyway YESSSS 😭😭😭 anythign to cope with their reality is such a good leeway for them to be able to pay attention to each other. they need each other 'cause it's really them (and the other spider support system) against a world that's always been cruel to them... they deserve the world truly...

[kirchefuchs]

I am in my uniform as I am typing this in my notes but like

Fear.

It's a common emotion triggered by a handful of situations. Gun pointed at you? Fear. The existential dread of knowing that you're about to die at any second? Fear. Just barely escaping the tragic fate of falling down the stairs? Fear. Hearing your mother angrily yell out your full government name in the middle of the night? Fear.

And that got me thinking:

Sure, love is a fantastical emotion, and yes, love is amazing when it comes to sentience and all.. but fear?

Fear is what keeps our minds on the edge of a breakdown. Fear is one of the emotions that can drastically change your heartbeat in a matter of seconds. Fear keeps you stuck in a spiral of acceptance and reluctance — but only when you're sentient enough to feel the effects.

In regards to my previous asks.. what if Pollux gained sentience through fear?

Because an AI like him shouldn't be afraid outside of what he was coded to be scared of. Fear — a natural response — is treated as a scripted entity for The Narrator's sake.

I just got that thought, y'know? What scenario could scare The Narrator so bad that it pulls the Pollux we all know outside of his scripted shell? What situation could force a string of panic out of those lines of code? What can be done to make him fear?

And then, I had a thought.

I remember that condescending Timekeeper screenshot you posted with an ask regarding the oneshot I was making

soooooooooo I'll be using that as reference (if you don't mind) regarding the scenario in which Pollux is naturally terrified. I'll think of a storyline first tho >:]

Toodles :]

— 🅰️non || 05/31/2023

TK? Giving Narry an existential crisis? More likely than you tthink!

Anyways, something like this almost? (Same fic im working on as the TK line you mentioned)

I don't think Narry is necessarily scared of TK per say, but TK definitely has a way of pointing out things about him that he is not ready to process at the moment. And so of course he goes into fight or flight mode about it. Deny everything and run. He'd rather keep everything the same than confront his own emotions. Poor guy.

And now that I think about it, in the fic I'm writing, it is kinda fear in a way that brings Pollux back. Yes it's tied to his affections for Stanley, but he is just so scared about losing his grip on the world around him. So when he's lost his grip on is sense of reality he clings to his world, Stanley, for dear life. The whole idea of it terrifies him, but it's all he can do.

All in all, your idea there is very on brand for him.

*Slaps roof of Luxie* This bad boy can fit so much fear in him!

[abinghospital]

there’s a violence that preys in the lurid silence, its hunting claws piercing through my skin in a vicious attempt to hurt. its brutal grip mars my delicate bones, shattering the joints that hold my useless body. my tears flow without intent as if a machine run only by the pain that throbs behind my ribcage. all this, in the dead silence. an ear-shattering pin-drop of soundless screams. darkness engulfs as i unlit the lights in desperate hopes that the shadows would form a familiar glint of my childhood refuge. where every face is a friendly ghost. where pavements are painted with blooming delight and the scent of home endures.

outside the still blackness of my dying prison, where the rot cant reach flesh, where the gloom cant pale the souls that wander, the city roars in wild movement. vehicles sifting through the wind, light dancing in gleaming colors, streets shrouded with people holding purpose in their pockets and dreams in their eyes. the world is perpetually in motion, a cycle of never-ending toil. bones grinding against inertia, bodies forced to function for modest coins, rigid calluses taking shape on gentle hands. when did existence turn into a need to survive rather than the desire to experience? are we ever allowed to take time if only to muse at the beauty of the stars when even in solitude, there’s a war that wont dissipate? and the uproar never ends, not to nurture the wounds from my hounding thoughts brought by the prick of existential woe, not to tender the ache of the sick loneliness that has long plagued my wounded spirit. in my somber seclusion, as if to mock my trivial being, i was humbled by the absolute truth that tomorrow is promised, even without me. 

i’ve learned of life’s hostility in the way it has punished me for crimes i have yet to discern. it lights a raging ember to my fading hope, only to take it back leaving not even a flicker but a fear in my throat that knows only of consuming. luck i was told, was the rarest of lightnings i had the privilege to catch. i’ve lived my youth not with the greatest luxuries but one free of deprivation and contempt. there was always food on the table, warm clothes to wear, and enough love to fill an ocean. yet this did not come without its share of penance, for in my moments of perish, there was no embrace to fall back to. a penalty im still paying for even at present. when anguish, like poison, trickles its way through my veins, but distance, with its powerful expanse, holds me back from the antidote. luck it turns out was a chance at ease priced with a hefty bargain. 

life at its most hostile, is an esoteric irony, a drop of bliss followed by an outpour of ceaseless dread. 

life is a spineless joke, one i was dying to hear only to uncover that i am the eventual punchline. 

life is a striking serpent, rearing its venomous head with only the intent to maim. 

what am i supposed to defend myself with when all i have are meager words, scattered sentences, and fervent pleas for clemency, all addressed to a god im uncertain is even there?

there’s cruelty in digging a grave once you’re already dying. in my most tragic days, i still seek for ways to sink deeper into uncharted depths even my demons fear to tread. insanity, according to einstein, is a mindless repetition expecting different results. is there a map to flee the downward loop of this inescapable madhouse? madness, in experience, is an endless free fall. the ultimate torture is the absence of landing with the constant concern knowing despite the burn, a hotter hell awaits. and there’s no ceasing this continuous collapse for i intentionally elude all attempts at salvation. there is sadness in my refusal to expose my need for comfort as much as there’s merit for my fake resonance of strength. how does one bring back the will to withdraw his walls when ridicule laces his every oversight and his worries are reduced to meaningless whims? in my pondering, i discovered how to fold my bleeding chaos into tiny caricatures, tuck them in the cracks of my ruptured heart, and corrupt me in secrecy. 

life, at its most hostile, is a crashing trajectory. and the endless wonder if there is a way out. 

[mikarchive2]

what i read in february 2023 📚

1. teatro grottesco by thomas ligotti - ★★★★ - picked this up because i randomly read one of his short stories on a train once and was so enamoured ... a short story collection centered around a subtle existential sort of horror that is less about gore and violence and more about something unknown but dreadful lurking in your peripheral vision . some of these, especially the ones from the deformations section, felt very welcome to night vale . delicious . makes you feel like a kid listening to scary campfire stories . i enjoy hanging out in the world created by this narrative voice so much

favourites: purity, the town manager, the clown puppet, my case for retributive action + in a foreign town, in a foreign land

2. the raven and the reindeer by t. kingfisher - ★★ - i think what im doing here is trying to read a fairytale retelling every month 👍 ... this really did not work for me though . the writing style felt so childish ( this could have been a book for twelve year olds ) + the story did not go anywhere and stayed extremely surface-level throughout the whole book . yeah sure there were lesbians but no actual substance whatsoever . the reading process was somewhat enjoyable because the humor was alright, but thats pretty much the only redeeming quality

3. the world keeps ending, and the world goes on by franny choi - ★★★ - i believe this is a case of ‘its not you its me’ because even though the way the author plays with language is straight up fascinating something about her poetry never clicks with me . i had the exact same issue with soft science as well - there is a certain detachment and coldness to her style that doesnt allow me to properly process the poems on an emotional level . still, i really liked the fourth section, it was so imaginative and full of the kind of resilience that is only born out of utter hopelessness

4. the passion by jeanette winterson - ★★★ - unfortunately i have the same issue here as with franny choi - something in me just always refuses to click with jeanette winterson . the author is trying to lead me somewhere by the hand but she is always slightly out of reach . this is my third book by her and while i can see and appreciate her craft it just never leaves a lasting impression on me its so strange ... i enjoyed the imagery + the philosophical ideas about love and passion but the story itself ... i dont know

5. the sandman: world’s end ( vol. 8 ) by neil gaiman - reread - i am not rating these god bless and putting them in the review post is probably not a good idea either since i ramble about them enough as is . what can i even say about a series that pretty much formed the way i understand the world and the human condition . stories within stories within stories . the foreshadowing here is insane and probably unnoticeable unless you are rereading . its hard to say what the writing process here was actually like perhaps it was way more spontaneous than i imagine but it all seems so meticulously and purposefully planned its just stunning

( + two books i left unfinished last year because of my broken ebook reader and decided to finish this month: )

6. wyrd sisters by terry pratchett - ★★★ - ( looks above ) my reading order here is very ‘frequently bought together’ ‘do not separate them’ huh ... this was very shakespearean which was fun but not ideal for me personally because it means some things definitely flew right over my head . i think i enjoyed equal rites a little more ? however at the end of the day its just your typical discworld novel i laughed i witnessed some well-written women and losermen i laughed some more . what else could i ask for

7. when i grow up i want to be a list of further possibilities by chen chen - ★★★★ - wonderfully heart-warming and radiant and witty and has the power to restore your belief in love and tenderness at least for a moment . this kind of literal and confessional american poetry usually isnt for me but miraculously chen chen made it work ! basically the hype is well deserved

up next: im actually not sure im trying to slow down since i need to get through some college textbooks 💔 ... + im sure want to finish the sandman which is really enough for the next one thousand years . considering mrs. dalloway by virginia woolf too someone called it a spring read once and ive wanted to read it during this season ever since

[chewsyourfate]

Cosmic Eldritch Entity, Cthulhu

Selective, Indie RP blog writing/roleplaying since 2010 Mun and Muses are 21+ Multiship and Multiverse friendly, plot in IMs, no discord

Closed Blog, kept for Memories and Archives

Tracking: chewsyourfate Follows Back From: @deepseawarlock

fc: rom.an reig.ns

[ The following roleplay blog delves into the eerie and unsettling world of Cthulhu, a character derived from the works of H.P. Lovecraft. It explores dark and macabre themes, and delves into the realm of cosmic horror. Please be aware that the content presented may contain disturbing and unsettling elements, including graphic descriptions and themes of madness, despair, and otherworldly terror. Reader discretion is advised. This blog is intended for mature audiences who have an interest in Lovecraftian horror and are comfortable with exploring the depths of the unknown. It is important to remember that the content presented is purely fictional and should not be taken as endorsement or promotion of any real-world beliefs, practices, or ideologies.]

Biography:

Cthulhu, an ancient cosmic entity of unfathomable power and horror, exists beyond the comprehension of mortal minds. Described as an immense, octopus-like being with a grotesque mix of human, dragon, and alien features, Cthulhu dwells in the sunken city of R'lyeh, resting in a death-like slumber beneath the depths of the ocean.

Legend tells of Cthulhu's origins in the distant past when Earth was ruled by alien deities known as the Great Old Ones. Cthulhu is considered one of the most formidable among them, representing chaos, madness, and the insignificance of mankind in the grand tapestry of the universe.

Throughout the ages, Cthulhu has been worshipped by cults and secret societies, drawn to its dark allure and the promise of unimaginable power. Its mere presence can induce madness and despair, as the human mind struggles to comprehend its otherworldly form and the existential dread it embodies.

Though largely dormant, Cthulhu's influence seeps into the dreams and nightmares of humanity, whispering ancient secrets and driving those who dare to uncover its mysteries to the brink of insanity. It is said that when the stars align and the stars are right, Cthulhu shall rise from its slumber, heralding an era of chaos and the subjugation of mankind.

In a unique twist, here Cthulhu has taken upon a human form, concealing its true cosmic nature behind a mortal guise. Adopting the name Kai Manu, it walks among humanity, observing and manipulating from the shadows. "Kai" is a unisex name of Hawaiian origin, meaning "sea" or "ocean," which aligns with Cthulhu's deep-sea origins. "Manu" is a Polynesian name that means "bird" or "spirit," reflecting the ancient and otherworldly nature of Cthulhu.

Kai Manu appears as an enigmatic figure, with piercing eyes that seem to hold ancient knowledge and a presence that exudes an aura of unease. Despite its human appearance, there are subtle hints that betray its true nature—an otherworldly grace, an unnerving aura, and an underlying sense of something not quite right.

Through this chosen form, Cthulhu seamlessly integrates itself into human society, maneuvering through various circles and power structures to further its own inscrutable agenda. Its interactions are carefully calculated, as it subtly influences events and individuals, sowing seeds of discord and madness.

Yet, despite its human guise, Kai Manu remains a vessel for the immense power and cosmic horror that lies within. There are moments when the façade cracks, revealing glimpses of its true form—tentacles writhing beneath its skin, eyes that glow with an otherworldly light, and a voice that resonates with an ancient, alien timbre.

While its motivations and ultimate goals remain shrouded in mystery, one thing is certain: even in this human form, Cthulhu remains an entity of immense power and malevolence, capable of unleashing untold destruction and chaos upon an unsuspecting world. The question lingers: What grand design does this human guise serve, and what horrors lie in wait when the true nature of Cthulhu is revealed?

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hello. im not sure what im looking for, i would say advice but for what exactly, i don't know. i guess just a place to vent.

trigger warning for suicidality, existentialism (? dread), derealization

im not sure where to start. ive felt alone for a long time, have been for what feels even longer. even when i had people around me and with me, ive always felt alone. ever since i can remember ive felt like i wasnt meant to be here. more recently ive been wishing i was somewhere else, not dead but somewhere easier. i wish i was never born and that my soul stayed in the stars.

i feel like alone doesn't begin to describe what im feeling. doesn't even come close. i feel like im finally letting go of my longing even just a little. im beginning to find comfort in being all alone in the world. im accepting that ive never been important, because nothing is. no one is. nothing even makes sense and it never has to me. ive never understood god or why im here. why i can think and feel. i don't even really believe anything is real, because how could it be when in millions of years from now, we wont exist anymore? when all everythings ever been is lost to space? when we dont even come close to mattering in the universe? so i don't think its real. there are no answers to the universe to be found. i just hope that when i die i can be up there in the nothingness.

Hi anon,

It makes sense after these experiences to want to embrace the loneliness, but while it's important to be independent and self-reliant, its also important to consider the unity, solidarity, and belonging that can come with having someone beside you. Humans are social creatures, and in a lot of ways it's necessary to survival.

It can be easy to slip into nihilistic thought patterns when you feel so isolated and alone. There are also a lot of bigger existential questions that are either impossible for us to answer or comprehend as human beings, and it can be hard to make peace with that.

As someone who experiences existential dread, please know that you're not alone in having these thoughts about the bigger picture. If it might help to mention, I try to reframe "everything is fleeting" as "meaning is made in moments that only happen once." Instead of worrying about things like the end of the universe, you can use that to develop a renewed perspective on how precious the present is.

Anthony Hopkins once said, "None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an afterthought. Eat the delicious food, walk in the sunshine, jump in the ocean, say the truth that you're carrying in your heart like hidden treasure, be silly, be kind, be weird, there's no time for anything else."

It's worth keeping an eye on any suicidal thoughts, and reach out to crisis resources if you need it. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you navigate these existential and suicidal thoughts, and process the feelings surrounding them. Please know that, while we are not a substitute, we are here for you in the meantime.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[ittybittybumblebee]

my head canon is that NEWGUY is a bit of a sleepy fellow. ^_^ becausei amd a slepey fellow at the moment ............ i like the new guy I like that the new guy is very very goodfy and doesn't take living too seriously but still faces the Existential Dread of "ohhhmy goodness what if I fall into a monotnous life cycle and become just another normal suburban-living normal guy what if this happens. what if one day I wake and found that I have lived a boring and pointless life." But xey stay silly :3

*shaking u by the shoulder* YYOU GET IS SOOOOO MUCH YOU GET IT SO FUCKING MUCH !!!!!! YEAHGH thats exactly whar im sayinnn!!!!!

and yeah yeah sleepyheadpilled from being all GOGOGOGO CRAZY GOGOGOGO all day, like you know when you get overtired and are on the brink of delerium but youre still like laughing ur ass off n chugging mountain dew ro keep urself awake so you can keep running aorunf and around the house bc yoh dont want to Stop lime ur Tired but ur still acting sillay, j think thats them.

Ans i am also a sleepy fellow at thee momence, sleepy head hand in sleepy head hand 🤝

[watery-melon-baller]

4, 9, 14?

i totallly forgot to answer ll these asks earlier prepare for storm

4. what is the plot bunny you’ve been carrying for the longest? optional bonus question: do you ever wonder why you haven’t written it yet and experience deep existential dread?

oooooooh hm. i have a lot. many ways to interperet this. my oldest one is an old crack atla oneshot that was partially based off a dream i had where aang was having a bachelors party with the gaang but didnt know who he was supposed to marry so he decided he would marry whoever was the best kisser in the gaang. he kissed all of them and was distraught because everyone was a good kisser, and then sokka was like hey zuko you're the fire lord just make polyamary legal so aang can marry everyone and then zuko legallized polyamory and they all got married. i never did sit down and write it because i was losing interest in the fandom but it haunts me. i do feel dread over not writting it. i feel dread over all my abandonded plot bunnies. im sorry my children,,,

9. in an ideal world where you’re already super successful and published, would you want to see a tv or movie adaptation of your work? why or why not?

yes. yes. yes. yes. i have a bunch of ocs and have a silly little story (it is extremely large) and would love to see it adapted but specifically as an animated tv show. why is because i love animation and you can do so many cool things with is (spiderverse my beloved) and it would work very well for my oc story. i am mainly an artosts so i have sketches and sketches of how i would want it to look because my dream is to make it an animated show but also what a terrifying thought i dont want it cancelled :( will i ever share said ocs? mmmm debatable

14. what’s your worst writing habit? 

i have the tendancy to make everything like a bit too serious and melodramatic whe i write. all my crack fics have moments where theres a bit of an odd tone shift and thats bc i originaly wrote it all serious and dramatic and moody and then had to go back and edit it multiple times. this does however work out good when im writing melodramatic serious moody fic but i dont do that much

[caliath-ffxiv]

FFXIVWrite Day 9: "Yawn"

[T] Day 9: "Yawn"

Relationship: Cagalli / Aymeric

Characters: Cagalli, Aymeric

Spoilers: 4.3

A/N: This is the song Cagalli plays during this chapter! Attack on Titan - Vogel im Käfig (Piano Version) by Patrik Pietschmann

As per usual, it was very late when Aymeric returned home from the Congregation. 

With Cagalli away in the Far East (or was it Ala Mhigo this time?) he had long grown accustomed to returning to a silent manor, even the butlers having already retired for the night. As such, it was a pleasant surprise when Aymeric heard the melodic sounds of Cagalli’s preferred insomnia-induced pastime wafting through the hallways. 

It was a gentle piece in the beginning. Then the soft notes tapered away, suddenly giving way to harsh tones that instilled dread into Aymeric’s core. The desire to run; the desire to flee and not look back, followed by the falsest of reassurances that the danger was an illusion. The attempt to enjoy the world as it was now, for surely the serenity was fated to end. The desperate conviction to believe that there would be a happy ending, and the guttural knowing that there would be no such mercy. 

The desire to fight back. The desire to resist. The desire to survive. 

The existential knowledge it would be futile. 

Yet the determination to try anyways. 

Then came the calm before the storm. One final fleeting moment of hope that they could usher in the momentary peace forever… 

Until it would all inevitably come to a head. 

Destruction. Devastation. Violence. Ruin and annihilation. Such was the fate of all who opposed a superpower. 

Desperation and sorrow. Fear and grief. In the world of war, there was no alternative. 

And finally, the dust settles. 

A victory, yes. 

But who is left to see it? 

Before Aymeric knew it, the piece was over, and he found himself gazing blankly at Cagalli’s form, hunched over the keys of his piano. Unshed tears clawed at his eyes, threatening to spill forth as he watched Cagalli’s silhouette shudder to the sound of her stifled breathing in the otherwise-silent room. 

“Cagalli. That was…” Aymeric’s mouth worked wordlessly, his mind unable to procure a fitting word to describe the masterpiece he had just heard. 

Mildly startled, Cagalli jerked her head up, searching for Aymeric amidst the dim lighting of the music room. 

“I—Oh. It’s you.” She sighed sheepishly and hung her head, her locks draping over the sides of her head and obscuring her face. 

“I didn’t know you could play,” Aymeric remarked, making an attempt to break the silence that fell over the pair once again. 

“Haurchefant taught me. Artoirel taught me how to compose,” Cagalli replied quietly. “I suppose you just haven’t had a chance to find out yet.” 

“‘Tis… Beautiful,” Aymeric complimented. 

“Beautiful?” Cagalli asked, as though in mild disbelief. “‘Twas meant to be an elegy. For a tragedy that happened in Doma. But I got… Carried away.” 

“—Ah.” Aymeric was suddenly glad of the dim lighting to hide his wince. “I would assume I am not acquainted with the one your piece mourns. But it sounds like… You,” Aymeric said. “For lack of a better description.” 

“Then perhaps I’m the one it mourns,” Cagalli suggested solemnly. “I wrote it with Yotsuyu—the previous Garlean viceroy of Doma—in mind. Something to acknowledge how she was one of us, no matter how much we shunned her. But maybe that’s not true. Maybe the only one she, and Zenos, and all the rest, are the same as is… Me,” she finished with a whisper. 

Aymeric shook his head. “They fight to take our freedom. You fight to preserve it. You could not be more different,” he reassured. 

“I fight to take the freedom they believe is inherently theirs? How does that make me any different?” Cagalli asked, her voice wavering. “Everyone sings me praises for fighting for a good cause. But in this world, what separates good from evil? Don’t you realize, the barrier between the two is built on naive idealism?” Her voice began to rise, hands balling into fists atop the piano bench. “There are no such things as heroes or villains. There’s just people trying to do what they believe is right. People just trying to survive.” A single tear splashed on the marble keys, her breath shuddering. “And we killed them. I killed them. And for what?” 

Aymeric could not answer. 

“Our victory cannot be justified by the price we pay for it. But what choice do I have, for there is nobody else to take my place,” Cagalli finished, fighting back tears. “I’m tired. I don’t want to fight anymore. Why can’t they just… Let me rest?” 

“Mayhap they won’t. But I will,” Aymeric offered, jumping at the opportunity to provide comfort, however momentary. “Come to bed with me. You may have to resume being a beacon of hope for all tomorrow. But just for now, for tonight… You can be at peace. I will make sure of it.” He beckoned Cagalli to follow him to the master bedroom, and reluctantly, she stood up and meandered to his side, where he laid an arm around her shoulders and held her close. 

“If only it could last,” Cagalli breathed into his chest as the pair retired to their bedroom.