#one day me feeling good about myself isnt going to feel so conflicting anymore

[thatoneweirdo14]

getting sentimental on main for a sec (my emotions are everywhere today 😭). im so grateful i have people in my life that make me feel normal. Ik "normal" is a very stigmatised term but i mean it as in i don't feel wrong for being myself. I have weird quirks and traits that would probably annoy most people (hence why i dont use them around people im not incredibly comfortable with) but they don't love me any less for it and im so so grateful everyday i wake up and every night i sleep because i know there are people that don't have that and it fucking sucks it should be a human right or something to have this kind of unconditional love but that's why im so grateful, i never let myself forgey that i'm lucky to have this. Sometimes it's the only thing keeping me going and and im so fucking grateful. Oomfs that consistently show up in my notifs, people who leave regular kudos and comments on my fics, irls and online friends that never fail to make me forget about that dread in my chest just by being near me, i love all of you. As someone who has very recently learnt to be more sociable and even more recently learnt that I'm allowed to want things for myself, thank you for letting me take up space in your life. I know I say things that are :// sometimes but I know you know I never meant to hurt you. Thank you for having me near you when I don't even want to be near myself sometimes. I love you :]

[stateswscarlet]

Good morning Scarlet, I hope that you're doing amazing!

First of all, I wanted to thank you for all the amount of time you put in explaining the law to all of us and seeing all those success stories, we all know how good of a blessing you are in our life.

So, I've been working on manifesting my ex back for a few months now, more than a year actually, and it's kinda embarrassing to me. I'm naturally a visualizer and have inner convos, but when envisioning scenarios like us hugging, holding hands, and being together again (what I've always done before knowing the law and being in love with him) it feels too good to be true, even if I have a deep understanding of the law conceptually. I know part of this process involves letting go of attachment to the 3D and recognizing that my outer feelings (anxiety, fear) and thoughts (how will he change his mind, he doesn't love u anymore) don't define my true self (the inner man that is being happy and in a rs with him). However, despite this understanding, I still encounter challenges when I attempt to engage my imagination regarding these scenarios. I often feel unfulfilled or disconnected from the vision of us being together.

Furthermore, I've been feeling doubtful about all that lately. Different sources offer conflicting advice - some suggest focusing on feelings, while others emphasize decision-making. I've even studied materials from authors like Edward and watched Tom Kearin (BSW), and while I understand the concepts intellectually and have applied them before with success, I haven't seen significant movement. The only time I experienced progress was when I wholeheartedly believed in my ex's return, even if I wasn't necessarily thinking from the end (focusing on the 3D aka he is going to come back). However, now, as I try to embody the version of myself with him already, I'm starting to lose faith in the possibility of him changing his mind and coming back. Have you ever experienced a similar struggle or doubt in your manifestation journey?

I feel maybe my issue is linked to the "feeling" that I do not understand, do you have maybe some recommandations in terms of source, or YouTube channel or else ? I feel like I'll never succeed in this specific manifestation while I succeeded in others for instance my job and travels... it was so hard for me too bc for more than a year I was jobless and so focused on that, that one day I decided I am going to get a job no matter what and not thinking from the end and it happened while I didn't focused on how I felt, I wasn't like "I need to feel I'm already employed", so I am lost in all of that ..

thank you so much for the kind words!

“working on manifesting my ex back” im really hoping you only worded it like this for simplicity sake to tell me, but please stop identifying with manifesting (at all) or seeing anything as a process bc there is NO PROCESS. there is no work to be, no point A or point B, and no one is coming “back”.

the reason you feel disconnected is because you’re still dominantly believing the 3D as a fact/seeing it as unchanging/dont understand youre SHIFTING TO A DIFFERENT REALITY/STATE and not changing the current one. figure out which one. in other words, youre being accidentally 3D oriented.

“i havent seen much movement” excuse me? wym movement? eradicate that word from your loa vocabulary please theres no such thing as movement. do you HAVE IT OR NOT?

stop looking for more material. no coach or video or book can change how you feel internally if youre just looking for results and refuse to completely drop the outer man and their reasoning.

your sp isnt changing his mind, you SHIFT TO A STATE where you and them are together. the one in the current 3D is NOT the one youre in a relationship with nor will ever be, you have to fully drop that version of him.

if just deciding you have something fulfills you, then so be it. do whatever you enjoy.

[crazysodomite]

Hey,

I wanted to ask you, how do you mentally cope with people telling you horrific shit to your face without turning into a bitter mess or getting angry? You seem to have a lot of opinions on conflict resolution hence why I am asking you.

this is an interesting question but i think i might be the wrong person to ask. I guess with time I just don't really care anymore. it definitely still gets to me when someone is rude to me for no reason or yells at me but its more of an instinctive kneejerk reaction.

not dignifying that with a response. i think more often than not its way more satisfying and healthy to just not respond to stupid shit or even acknowledge it. especially online. if i get a stupid ask or reply i literally just act like i didnt see it lol ♥ if someone yells at me at work i just don't respond whatsoever and im not gonna care after im off my shift. etc. even in close interpersonal relationships if someone is yelling or insulting me i dont need to respond with the same thing. either someone actually wants conflict resolution or they don't. obviously you still need to stand up for yourself when it's needed but im not one of those people who like. has a clever comeback to someone saying mean shit so im just gonna try to solve the issue how i see fit.

not letting it get to you. a lot of the time people are just looking for an excuse to explode at someone/show their authority or whatever. even if you did mess up at something, the adult thing to do is just to tell you what you did wrong and not to do it again. especially if its something that takes like 5 minutes to fix and instead the person spends 30 minutes yelling at you and throwing insults. like what do you want from me lol. i just start tuning out and not even listening. yeah yeah you are so right.

i got too much going on in my life to worry about stupid shit. is this person actually raising a legitimate issue where im in the wrong or are they just insulting me/being petty/hating for no reason/etc.? i don't want my brain to be occupied by stuff that really doesn't matter. if someone just had a bad day or theyre just a miserable person in general and decide to take it out on me why should i keep holding it in my heart? that isnt to say my feelings are never hurt but when i start ruminating i just ask myself if this actually matters or not. when someone annoys me for no good reason i dont feel the need to make it their problem. thats a Me issue. not everyone understands this so this is why a lot of shit happens. its important to pull back and think "what am i accomplishing by worrying about this right now?" and the answer is usually nothing

[m4rkiza]

another headcanon

this feels like a fanfiction but anyway,

leon and raihan is a pretty healthy couple.when theyre in the middle of an argument,if one raise their voice just a bit,the other backs off and suggest to take a few hours,even days to cool down, and then talk about it when theyre calm and is able to think straight to avoid unwanted events.

and currently theyre in the middle of an argument,theres a rising problem in the league,and them being the top trainers with equally great intelligence,  theyre expected to solve it

theyve been arguing because when theyre discussing about how to solve it,theres a ...quite serious disagreement , which led into a debating session,so they decide to have time to think about it by themselves instead of discussing about it,just for a day or two.

but theres another problem rising,which came from a different source, a pokemon breeding centre,theres some issue with dragon type pokemon,leon expect raihan to be the only person whos expected to help,but because leon has 2 on his team,he was asked to help raihan. sadly he cant decline the request. 

theyre in the middle of their “argument” but that doesnt matter of course,since both got an email to help the breeder to solve the pokemon breeding issue,they push their personal problems aside and try to discuss about it,which sadly led into another debating session. both decide to stop and sit down

raihan lets out a sigh “3 days?”

“..sure i guess” leon answer hesitantly,both actually cool off easily and they certainly dont need 3 days to just cool down and think. 3 days without raihan is too long afterall,but leon assume that maybe,he had pushed the wrong buttons and just agree to avoid another conflict,which wont happen.he knows raihan, but he rather not

raihan tilts his head “you look hesitant, 2 days maybe? ive already set up papers to solve the other problem we had,so i guess 2 days is enough,how about you?”

leon looks up to raihan, “i already figure out yesterdays solution too, so... 2 days? then we discuss about the league issue,then suggesting it to the staff?”

raihan nodded “yes,then we discuss about this and gave the result to the pokemon breeding centre”

leon agrees, finally,an agreement.

the next day comes, leon suddenly has an appointment out of nowhere,oleana certainly didnt tell him about this,and now,leon is sorrounded by hellspawns.

hes in the local kindergarten,which is not bad, but this kindergarten hits different,leon has lost count of kids whos trying to stole his cap and pull his cape off. heck,even one kid almost peed on him. 

once hes free from hell,he really wants to reunite with raihan,but theyre on their...relationship break? he doesnt even know what its called because its really rare for them to argue.

but because leon is on the edge of bursting out,he decide to just,take a quick shower to make himself look presentable,and flew to hammerlocke

he arrives at the gym, walking through the hall,being guided by one of the gym trainer,to raihans office. his eyes is already glassy with tears.

he entered raihans office, raihan is there, sitting on the couch with paperworks,he move his head to meet leon,eyes wide when he see a familiar purple hair

“leon? do you want to discuss it now? ive cooled down and i al-”

leon lets out a mewl,a sad one. which surprises raihan. raihan stared at him,brows furrowing,he noticed leons golden eyes were glistening “wait-” he got up,walks his way to leon “dandelion,darling” oh how leon has been craving to be called that, “whats wrong? did i do something-”

“i had a surprise appointment today” leon croak out “i- oleana didnt told me about it-” did he just sob? “i wasnt prepared and we went to a fucking place filled with tiny demonic creatures” he leans in to raihans comforting touch “worst than giratina and darkrai, id prefer to hang out with them rather than those- those kids” leons sobs got more violent “they- they were trying to stole my champion hat and tried to pull of my cape,which almost choked me,dragon” 

raihan concerns starts to grow faster when leon called him dragon,since leon only use that particular nickname when he feels unsafe or when hes super stressed out. 

“i- i almost cried in place, i was tired for- figuring out the solutions and we had 2 debate in a span of one week, we, we rarely argue dragon,” leons grip on raihans arm got tighter,”those kids” raihan can see pure fear in leons eyes “hit the spot,one- one of them almost peed on me raihan,im glad one of the teacher grab them fast enough,i wouldnt know what id do if that actually happened”

raihan hold leon tight,then make him to sit down on the couch, leon didnt let go of raihan when raihan wanted to take a cup of water, he asked raihan to stay and hold him more, raihan cant blame him,that kindergarten IS basically hell and he doesnt understand how the teacher can withstand those tiny demons, this week has been hectic too,he cant blame leon really,he felt bad about initiating one of the debates but,i guess that doesnt matter anymore when theyve found the solutions.

leon is now on his lap,hugging raihan by the shoulder sobbing quietly. all raihan can do is hugging leon back,making sure he feels safe. 

after the sobbing had died down,raihan asks leon

“lee?baby?” raihan calls out, leon lets out a mumble, “let me handle the pokemon breeding issue yeah? its about dragon type afterall,i can do it myself,im just gonna take your typed out suggestions and take care of it by my own,about the league issue,lets just combine our solution and come with a neutral conclusion, is that okay darling? or do you want to discuss about it tomorrow? we can stay in my place if you want”

leon slowly repositioned his body to face raihan,he nodded “yeah, okay,ill let you take care of the breeding centre,but dont overwork yourself raihan, about the league,lets just combine our solutions,it does feels irresponsible though,they expect us-”

“leon,my dearest,lets think about YOU for awhile,the league aint shit,my love,how do you feel about it?” raihan cuts off

“...i..personally,i dont want too..” leon looks down, he wants to give the best for the league,but raihan is right,he needs to prioritize himself just for tonight,so he can give the best to the region tomorrow morning

“there you go,now- let me just-” raihan proceed to carry leon, as if hes a baby,leon just dont give a single fuck at this point,he just want to sleep like a rock for 8 hours,he leaned and put his head near raihans neck,looping his arm around raihans shoulder tighter,hes grateful raihan is big and strong enough to carry a 80kg bulky man like he is

“dragon,love” leon mumbled right next to raihans ear, “im..sorry i initiated the breeding center debate,i .. i shouldnt even argue with you,you knew so much more”, raihan kissed leons head, “no worries baby,i dont mind,you are a bit...selfish sometimes,but its okay,its not like im far from that either,since im the one who started to argue about the league issue,despite me not knowing much about it,im sorry about that too”

leon answered “so we good?”

raihan smiled, “always been”

leon hugged raihan tighter and closed his eyes,trusting his dragon that he will take care of him,when leon opened his eyes,hes already in a familiar place,raihans apartment,to be more specific,hes on the bed,wearing one of raihans t-shirt and...his own pajama pants? raihan is currently putting socks on his left feet,raihan noticed that his prince has woke up, “go back to sleep,ill keep you safe,i wont let rose or oleana to put their hands on you” leon looked at him “but how about you?im not gonna have a day off tomorrow if youre not sitting next to me,whats the point of a single day off if 1 of my favorite person isnt there next to me?”

raihans got surprised “wait how did you know i told them to give you a day off?” leon smiled “instinct”

raihan chuckled while crawling to the bed,setting himself next to leon, “i didnt enter hell today so i dont need one” he teased, leon hugs raihan by the waist,giving it a firm grip “raihan my precious dragon, love,sweetheart,im begging you to stay, please,im not fully sane yet,i need you to keep me on the ground,and dont commit a genocide,raihan pleaaase,do your work at home-” raihan cuts him off “no! you’d help me with it! you need to rest,prince!” raihan answered with a laugh, leon tighten his grip “but i need you! how can you leave me alone and insane like this! how dare you!” leon said,mimicking his voice to sound like a dramatic damsel in distrest

raihan obeys,of course he will,hes actually on the edge too,the breeders are plain out stupid and its no wonder that the dragon type mons had an issue,they shouldve put the baby on HIS breeding center instead,he knows well about it anyway,who the heck brought the baby dragons there?! not to mention how they act like they know more than raihan,the dragon tamer,the only certified dragon type specialist in the whole region. raihan was so fed up,the paperwork from the gym arent helping either,he got 3 helping hands and it overwhelms them all,he guess he should give the whole gym trainer just a single day break to sleep the whole day and get themselves charge. and so he did,he typed out a short email to all the gym trainers,that they will have a day off tomorrow,

leon smiled in satisfaction as raihan typed out the email on his phone,he knew raihan was close to murder someone too,,but knowing raihan,he wont take a day off if leon told him too. but raihan WILL do it,if leon beg raihan to stay with him,hes concerned about it and might talk about it, that he should prioritize himself and not his lover,but not definitely not now,nor later.someday probably.

after raihan sent the emails,he turned off the bedside lamp, and proceed he put his head on leons plump chest, “alright,nighty night prince,i love you”

leon put his hand on top of raihans head,petting it gently“night dragon,i love you too”

then they sleep. 

[daddynegandesires]

My little runaway pt. 2

@buttercandy16

(Quick summary: after leaving the sanctuary you started a new life at Alexandria trying to hide away from negan he stumbles upon you while taking half of ricks shit and takes you back to the sanctuary with him.)

Warning: angst, fighting, jealousy, mind control/brainwashing, fluff

*sanctuary*

So many things have changed here since ive been gone so many more rules negan was more strict than ever and now Simon and arat were his right hand men i had no more existence towards those positions nor did i want anything to do with his killing posse his mind was sick and twisted he wasn't the negan i use to know. I was gone for months before negan had claimed rick after some people at Alexandria had killed down some of negns men. I knew me being gone had caused way more problems than there needed to be and i know i was in deep shit....

We arrived at the sanctuary coming to a hault hearing the breaks squeak as Dwight put the truck in park and turned it off. Negan flung his door open dragging me out causing me to fall on the dirt covered ground.. my hands were tied so i had no way to brace myself.

"Cmon darlin, you're back on your own turf now" negan bent down to my eye level

"But dont think for a second you are getting special treatment.....not after what you did"

his sacastic laugh filled my ears making me shut my eyes tightly. He yanked me up by my arm dragging me to the double metal doors of the sanctuary. He kicked the doors open holding me close to make sure i didnt break free. I was pulled down one of the many hallways untill he came to a stop at a door he opened it with his free hand still having a tight grip on my arm. The room had a bed and a small kitchen in it i wasnt use to staying in these rooms because i was negans right hand woman, his bestfriend before i left so i was given alot of special treatment.

"Home sweet home" negan said throwing you face down on the bed untieing you

You could feel him leaning up against your ass while he freed your hands he then flipped you over on your back holding you down by your throat.

"I missed you....." A grin grew across his face

"...if you think im going to be another copy and paste of everyone else and drop to my knees when i see you....then you are so wrong" you struggled to get the words out breathlessly as his grip slowly tighted around your neck.

"Oh baby....i know..i like the frisky ones. You forget i know you better than you know yourself" he released his grip from you before giving you one last good squeeze causing you to choke and raise up on the bed

"You know nothing about me..." You grabbed your neck rubbing at it

"Quite frankly i dont even know who you are anymore...youre sick..." You stood up getting in his face

Negans tongue slid across his bottom lip then causing his jaw to flex letting out a long groan

"Without me....they are nothing...they all love me" he paused and let out a sarcastic laugh "....just like you without me are nothing"

"You....you are nothing but a fucking monster....lucille never deserved a man like you.." You could feel tears swelling up in your eyes you couldnt believe what had just came out of your mouth after knowing what happend in the past between you two.

All of the color drained out of negan he was furious he grabbed a fistfull of your hair yanking you up to your feet and, dragging you down the hallway your screams were echoing off the walls you were trying to grab onto something to save yourself. He opened a metal door it was dark. There were no windows the room was completely empty. Negan threw you onto the cold floor you caught yourself with your hands before your face clashed with the cold cement floor. You looked up at him through the messy strands of your hair and couldnt see his face only a dark shadow casted upon him. You knew He had no expression just a blank expression almost terrifying youve never seen him like this out of all the years youve known him you didnt even know who he was anymore and its only getting worse.

"You....are going to regret all of this...." Negan slammed the door and locked it you could hear his footsteps trail off.

"AAGHH GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. YOU FUCKING COWARD!" all you could do was scream and yell and cry you were pounding on the door untill you finally gave out and got tired enough to pass out on the floor.

You were woken up by light shinning on your face someone had opened the door and was speaking to you your head was pouding and your ears were rining from all the screaming, yelling and crying you had done from the days prior.

"Get up. Im not gonna tell you again" Dwights voice hurt your ears

"D...dwight....you have to help me" you stumbled to your feet and walked towards him

"This...this isnt negan...hes going to get us all killed we have to go save Alexandria. Please! Believe me!" Your hands were gripped on his t-shirt yanking him towards you. All he could do was stare at you he had nothing to say just a blank expression. Footsteps came appraching up the hallway towards you two... it was negan

"Wellll....rise and shine babydoll!" Negan swung his bat up over his shoulder

All you could do was glare at him no words could come out

"Time to get to work dollface"

negan held the door open for you and you walked out watching him close the door he led you outside and put you on fence duty to kill walkers for half of the day the sun was blistering feeling beads of sweat run down your face you havent had a shower in days. Negan did nothing but stand around and make orders to everyone or he would spend time fucking his multiple forced wives. It was only a matter of time before he shoved you back into that hell of a room.

You could over hear negan on the walkie talkie he was speaking to rick. It was hard to make out what the both of them were saying but i could tell it wasnt good. Negan always started conflict or maybe it just found its way to him.

"Hey....hey is that rick" you walked over cutting negan over mid conversation

"Well you better find a damn way..." the beep of the walkie talkie went off after negan finished talking

"How does it feel to be on the other side?...working for points...getting yourself all dirty out here. You lost your chances" negan slid the walkie into his belt biting his lip

" let me speak to rick so he knows im okay...please" you begged

"Rick this rick that..ya know im starting to think you are developing a little crush" negan began to walk away

You ran to catch up with him standing infront of him to stop him.

"Why are you doing this to me...dont i mean something to you. You just kick me to the dirt...I THOUGHT WE WERE A TEAM" you screamed at him

"You. Ran. Away. You live here you follow my rules at all times no exceptions! I will not tolerate anything less from you!....things are different now..." negans face grew a frown

Negan pushed past you and walked off you followed right behind him to his room he surprisingly let you in and shut the door behind him.

"I...look....Can i atleast get a shower im filthy..." You said with your arms crossed

All he could do was point over to the bathroom you sighed and walked over to the door after locked yourself in the bathroom you began to take off your clothes and run the water waiting for it to warm up when you heard a knock on the door.

" one more thing.....no locked doors" negan said in a low demanding voice

You swallowed hard and walked over to the door unlocking it hearing the lock make a quick click. Negans footseps slowly faded out as he walked away. You slipped into the shower letting the hot water run down your body watching all of the dirt trickle down the drain. The hot water relaxed you letting out a deep breath you closed your eyes letting the steam fill up the bathroom. The door quietly opened you quickly sprung your eyes open your body went stiff.

"....i layed out some clean clothes for you....i know you could use some" negan said clearing his throat

"Oh...thank you" you replied shocked

"(Y/N)....you know i uh...i still care for you...things are just...different now but im still that guy you use to know. Look..i have to go out on a run just make yourself at home" negan closed the door gently and walked away

The room went silent you your eyes were swelling up with tears it felt like you couldnt get the right words out of your mouth. You knew deep down that warm hearted negan was still there the negan that you missed the negan that use to be your bestfriend. He was buried under all this power and built up rage from before the apocalypse and now. Maybe this was going to be a new begining...a fresh start at the sanctuary.

Just maybe.

[will-i-everape-my-despair]

my life

okay where to begin  when i was young or when i wasnt?

alright ill start from the beggining 

it wasnt a great life

well not ideal anyways 

when i was born i almost died, my mother was diagnosed with post natal depression in spain, yeah i was born there ....when having to move to australia because spain isnt good with that sorta support .......my dad said he would come 

he lied

he cheated on my mother and decided to marry someone else, meanwhile my mother braught her one and only daughter with her, me 

i loved my mother because everyone else didnt like me , or atleast because of my mental contition they thaught i wasnt worth anything , i became dependent , and knew a world where you wernt huged nor kissed often, you had to grow up fast or youll be left behind .....mum helped of course but .....idk i wasnt an easy child to take care of , i didnt understand most things like love, respect ect i.....i dint understand emotions , she had to teach me to emote and to sleep, at least thats what she said 

when i first moved it was an expierience but , from then on my scheduales got stricter and my mother would get violent for no reason i thaught , i didnt uunderstand why she got so mad , i wasnt the best child but i never knew why

she hit me pulled my hair blackmailed me berated me ABUSED me 

and yet 

i still loved her , because when all you are taught was despair .......how can you see it as bad?,

expecialy when the world was against you 

======

i moved schools , into a new area  it was fun....i was scared at first ....and it was also my first taste of hope  i prefferred school over home  why? well....my family aint the best  i was often the scapegoat for my cousins actions , which just made the family hate us more ......except my grandparents  i was either sheltered , or mum just didnt have time to teach me idk  but my aunties not my mother would take care of me....when i was very very sick .....mum had to work 

from here it gets fuzzy 

i only remember a few things , when i was sick being forced to go to school, we never celebrated halloween like ever , i didnt do my homework because i would weasel out of it , and for the longest time i felt well.....sick .....inside or outside no idea i thaught is was depression, mum asked me why i feel like that and said then i dont have it 

====

we moved again 

more like we got kicked out 

and then

from there

mum only got

WORSE

we moved into someone named tonys house .....he was....to put it simply, a piece of shit , how mum fell in love is BEYOND me  he....liked to make mum mad....and sick her on me by running out of the house  from here ........i developed insomnia , my pillow was more full of tears than dreams , and tbh i had horrible nightmares , when i told mum she didnt look concerned.....well her eyes never showed it not that i knew ......i was .....always medicated but .......this was new i felt 

lost broken void emotionless empty expecialy after my cousin made me his little prostitute

still i was expected to work, my hair that used to shine like gold in the sun....lost all of it and my hair started turning white , i have more grey hairs than the average teen my sparkle was long gone....and i hid myself in the world of my mind and technology, eye baggs were visible and i dint do anything heh kinda like now.....i went to tutoring....i avoided work like the plauge  around this time however mum told me about her old faith....Jehovas Witness  i was sure why not  i at first ....it seemed so lovely  and i actively participated at this point i was in high school ... the family was in conflict...and school wasnt much better  then came....the dreaded ......scrunchie incident did i mention i was never left alone at home? because i was in highschool and still going to day care well i made friends in this little toddlers day care and well...i was invited to a party.....i just had a shower and lost the scrunchie i always wore and still do wear mum became enraged pulling my ears my hair making me hyperventilate ...i might of died no idea thank god abuello saved me  after a while of tonys bs, and becoming completely dead inside i....we moved again  i was still a JW but then......i became less trustfull of anything and anyone ....i looked at it .....and saw how condtradictory it was  i saw how bad the school system really was .....the more i searched on the net the more i learnt .....and the more i learnt the more i knew...

something was WRONG 

then last year in yr 10 maths......is the devil...expecaily the advanced stuff ....lets just say school wasnt safe anymore and math class made me pass out due to stress mum would hit me over homework, or throw my books in fits of rage then told me its YOUR FAULT i do this , YOUR FAULT that im breaking jehovas laws! and i actualy faught back after she nearly bashed my head in ..........i .....the iron my grandma died two years ago

english class wasnt too bad, but this one asssignment mum re wrote the whole thing ..........because “it didnt make sense “  i told her to shove it and not to be infolved in my work anymore

 i hate school the***pists ......i was overwhelmed......and at the end of the year i ......broke.....BAD....i told all my fellow classmates everything i had experienced........................to come home.....get called by my mother......and get yelled at .....over the phone.....for telling the truth......not because she was scared for me.....but because of her reputation.....she yelled at me and berated me.....i was still breaking and in a flash a thaught  one single thing “would anyone care if i died?” “if i died would mum be happy and free from me” “maybe i should go im a waste”  

i grabbed a knife  held it to my chest and couldnt do it  i thaught of my family, my friends and how they might feel

only to get berating texts and yelled at by my auntie  

then......yr 11 poped up  and the acedemic sprang into place  ....mum and i ......dont ....arent.....we arent compatible i found out after this  it was online work....my ADHD ass couldnt DO that....and what was worse my alters made themselves KNOWN ha  ha hahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA killer kit my mother with a bottle and she whined of how i could of killed her....i distrusted him after that  i cried in the kitchen...laughing like a phycho  ... .................. ............................ and they were very distracting towards my work....which is what CAUSED that in the first place  term 2  well i found a friend group on line  they are angles  really they are 

tbh before yr 11 i was a bit better  but now i had well ALOT of appointments that i dint want  that didnt help  and the kids ......liked making me scared  term three is now  my grandpa died i finnaly cut myself off the JW  i told mum how i felt , the truth like she WANTED  she told me im spinning things that im abusive that shes a servant  i know i dont do much.....but my boddy is broken....i dont have motivation  and this place keeps me sane  and  alive one more year in the chambers of despair  and when that year is up the frail angel that lost her wings will be given the power  to soar to hope once again 

[michaelreaderreblog]

My Truemate pt 17

AN: I am just going to link the Masters List to the Series and I will leave it linked right here TO CATCH UP HERE

***********************************************************

Word Count: 3,297

Sam and Sarah get back to the house Sunday evening but notice that something is off between you and Dean. Sam questions about it, with no hesitation Dean tells him everything from Roman coming over to look for you and what Benny has told him about the business Roman has now.

“You guys we need to tell Chuck about this now before something really bad happens” Sam says while we all sit at the table.

“Im with Sam on this one guys, I mean I am already getting scared just by thinking about the worse. Especially if y/n is the one person he wants” Sarah says as she places an arm around your torso, you accept the embrace with ease and rest your head on her shoulders.

“What is he going to do about it? Its out of state where anything goes, how is he going to take down the possible business?” you ask lifting yourself from Sarah's side and looking between your brothers.

“By placing Roman in prison for good where he belongs” Sam says while you notice he is beginning to be fearful for you.

“I'll talk to him tomorrow but in the mean time y/n go to the police and file that complaint against him. Also mention he was here to. After something like that its still against the law to go against an Omega like this” he says with authority in his voice while he looks to Dean and he looks to you with a pleading expression.  

“Fine, fine, I will finally do this but I dont want to go alone” you finally give into filing the complaint after so long of debating.

“I will go with you, dont want you facing this by yourself.” Sarah says while she places her hands over yours and giving a gentle squeeze.

“I have to tell Michael about this, the sooner he knows the better. Along tell him about him scenting Cas being here. I dont want anything happening to either of you” Dean says through his gritted teeth.

All four of you call it an early night to go to bed, you still sit in the kitchen having a cup of tea.

“Baby girl, I will do anything to keep you safe ok, I dont know what I would do if anything ever happened to you” Dean says as he enters the kitchen from the living room.

You look up to your older brother while tears begin to form.

“Please” is all you say while getting up from your chair and hugging Dean.

Your voice sounded so small while pleading with him. The sound of your voice just broke his heart because he never liked the sound coming from you. To him you were always so strong yet at this state, so fragile.

The both of you called it a night and went to bed.

For pete sake, Dean decided to sleep with you in your room. You liked the idea and felt safer with Dean next to you. Your protective alpha, your brother you love so dearly.

After going to the police about Richard Roman sexually harassing you the first day you got to Kamloops is when they have begun the investigation.

Talking to all the people who were there at the diner that night and going on to the people who have taken Roman out of the diner.

When the police interviewed Michael is when he couldnt contain his anger. When being reminded about the whole entire night and how he mentioned he was your true mate.

They told him for the both of you consummate the bond between you now before anything else follows pursuit.

Castiel had come by to keep you company after closing down shop until further notice and apologized to the customers who have place orders and online.

They have graciously understood and couldnt wait for you to open up shop again after everything has settled.

As the days went by after filing the complaint and gone into further investigation is when you began to develop cabin fever.

You saw from the corner of you eye, at the corner of the living room is Deans acoustic guitar.

After seeing the guitar has brought a smile to your face. You went to pick up the guitar and tuned it to the desired sound.

Begun to strum out a tune that has been stuck in your head for the past few weeks.

You knew how much Castiel has blamed himself countless of times for his brothers death. You wanted to show him how much you have appreciated him and thats with song.

The more you thought about Castiel and his struggles to cope with the loss of his brother along with the Dick Roman incident to as well since he has scented him.

“Everybody else knows how this goes

Everybody knows how wide and how much and how far

Everybody's got my number now

Maybe I can find a way out “

“I've been running too long on this shift

And I've been keeping tabs on myself “

“And now I'm cutting close in on my limit

And I think I heard somebody say

You're never gonna be anybody else

You're never gonna see until you see yourself “

“So come on come on see how it goes

Come on come on take a deep breath

And don't let go”

“Yeah, yeah

A little bit extra, you think you can find me?

'Cause everybody else gave up a while ago”

“I'm looking out

I'm looking out at gray skies

I'm looking out

I'm looking out at a home”

“You're never gonna be anybody else

You're never gonna see until you see yourself

So come on come on see how it goes

Come on come on take a deep breath

And don't let go”

“Yeah, yeah

A little bit extra, you think you can find me?

'Cause everybody else gave up a while ago

I'm looking out

I'm looking out at gray skies

I'm looking out

I'm looking out at a home”

“You're never gonna be anybody else

You're never gonna see until you see yourself

So come on come on see how it goes

Come on come on take a deep breath

And don't let go”

When you completed the song is when you wrote out the lyrics. While its still fresh in your memory and write down the music notes.

'Thank you Dean for teaching me how to play the guitar' you say to yourself as you are almost done with writing everything down.

“Well you are very welcome” Dean says from the other side of the living room leaning against the beam.

“Geez, how long have you been standing there?” you ask as he scared you when he said something all of a sudden.

“Sorry, I was in the garage when I heard music here in the house and at first I thought it was you playing loud music over the radio. But I come in here and I see you playing and singing” Dean says as he enters in the living room further to seat himself on the arm chair.

“Look um Im sorry for keeping you inside for so long. Its just Im scared if I let you go some where by yourself, you will get taken from me. I mean us” he says while you begin to smell the fear off of him and you went to sit by his side as you take his hand into yours.

“I know and honestly I am beginning to get cabin fever but I understand though. I know its not easy for you, Sam, Sarah, and Castiel but I get it” you tell him while trying to keep your emotions intact.

“You’re forgetting someone already” he says with a smile on his face.

“What do you mean?” you ask.

“Michael, you’re forgetting him. He gets worried about you as well and I think he counts as something” he says while his smile never fades.

“He has Anna though” you say to him while feeling the hurt as you mention the one person who is with your true mate.

Castiel sits at home in his room reading a book with a warm cup of tea. It was quite chilly out as the day looks gloomy.

When he couldnt concentrate reading anymore is when he sets his Ipod into his dock and selects the song the mortitians daughter by black veil brides.

He begins to sing out the lyrics 'I sit here and smile dear. I smile because I think of you and I blush.'

He hears a vehicle pull into the drive way and he looks out his window to see who has stopped by the house.

He notices its his brother Michael and he walks out of his room to say hello to him while he is here.

He enters the kitchen where his mother and father are along with Michael who has his back faced him.

“Castiel, sweet heart. Nice of you to join us” his mom says taking her attention away from her husband and eldest son.

“I saw Michael pull into the drive way and wanted to say hello” he says placing his hand on his back.

“Castiel, just the person I want to see” Michael says a little to cheery

Castiel is trying to think of what has gotten him so happy all of a sudden. When a few days ago he was conflicted.

“Michael here has come to grace us with such good news” Naomi says looking between the men in her life.

“Is Anna pregnant? Where is she by the way? You cant tell such gracious news when your mate isnt here” Chuck says with a wide smile.

“Thats what I am here to talk to all of you about. If Anna were to be pregnant it wouldnt be from me” Michael says to his family as they look to him with confused expressions on their faces.

“Son what are you trying to say?” Chuck asks.

“Did Anna cheat on you?” Naomi cuts in after Chuck.

“Mother, Father please. No more assumptions and let Michael speak” Castiel says looking between his parents.

“Well it turns out that Anna and I have met our true mates. She has met hers while on her business trip a couple of months ago and I have met mine about the same time as well. We have mutually ended our relationship to be with our true mates” Michael says looking to his family as he says true mate and you come to mind right away.

“Who is this true mate you speak of?” Naomi asks in anticipation while Chuck on the other hand is getting really impatient.

While Castiel has a smile on his face for the good news.

“My true mate is Y/n Winchester and who Castiel works with” Michael says to his family as his mom squeals in delight for the news.

Castiel hugs his brother and Chuck who is happy but couldnt wipe off the worry some expression off his face.

“Charles, honey arent you happy for your son in finding his true mate? Who happens to be an Omega” Naomi says to her husband trying to pull him away from the trance he was in.

“Of course I am happy for my eldest son who found his true mate and we are going to gain another beautiful Omega” He says as he hugs his son in a tight embrace.

“I must share something with all of you though” he says to his family

Castiel knowing all too well what his father is about to share with Michael and his mom.

Castiel immediately goes to Michaels side to link arms with him and he looks to him with a puzzled expression.

Chuck goes onto tell Naomi and Michael about the harassment Richard Roman has done.

The visit he made to you and also scenting Cas.

The possibility of him getting into the brothel business out of state and has officially moved out of Washington to pursue the business full time.

After hearing everything Chuck has revealed is when Michael gets into a hot rage thinking anyone would want to hurt his mate along with his baby brother.

Castiel allows Michael to scent him to calm down along with anything else he can think of.

“Dean was home when Dick went by the house and Benny showed up at the house moments later to tell him about what father has mentioned” Castiel says to him and Chuck is just as out raged as Michael.

“We need to do something to protect our family” Naomi says pacing around the kitchen, Chuck pulls her into his arms and she begins to scent him to calm her nerves.

“There is also something that I need to share with you and dad” Castiel says to break the tension in the kitchen.

“Go a head son” Chuck says while nodding him to continue on with what he wants to share.

“I to have found my true mate and he is Y/n's brother Dean Winchester. He owns a refurbished furniture shop out of his garage at their home” Castiel tells his parents and brother but he already knew that.

When he tells his news is when everything else settles for the time being and his family is happy for him.

“My baby has met himself a handsome alpha” Naomi says to her son while pulling him into a hug and he accepts right away.

“I think we should have a dinner to meet your mates here in the house and they can bring their brother Sam along as well. Especially his mate because our family has extended and I am very happy about this” Chuck says hugging his son as well and he scents him out of happiness.

“I think that will be wise to ease everyones minds off about Richard Roman” Castiel says looking to his family and Michael nods in agreement.

“How are we going to invite them? Do I talk to y/n? Or are you going to talk to Dean about this?” Michael asks.

“I think you should let y/n know about you and Anna first before you could say anything about the dinner.” Naomi says to her son

She feels happy for her boys in finding their true mates and soon to have what she and her husband have.

Even though they were never brought together by scent like most have. She has undying love for her husband for the years they have been married and spent together.

“I should give her a call and if she would like to get out of the house to go to lunch with me” Michael says as he takes out his phone to dial the house number Dean has left him a few days ago.

“Hello?” Dean is the one who picks up the phone.

“Dean, its Michael” he says with a smile on his face

“Hey, hows' it goin man?” he is surprised Michael has even called the house.

“Its going pretty good, I was wondering if your sister is home” Michael asks while looking to his parents.

They both have smiles on their faces.

“Yeah she is, hold on a sec” Dean says taking the phone into the kitchen.

“Y/n its for you” Dean says as he enters the kitchen.

“Well who is it?” you ask getting yourself a cup of tea.

“Its Michael” is all he says and leaves the phone on the counter for you to pick up.

You think about it for a moment and finally raise the phone to your ear.

“Hello?” you ask while closing your eyes.

“Hi Y/n, how are you?” Michael asks while he is completely nervous for being on the phone with you and even sound pleasant to him.

“Im doing ok, how about you?” you ask while being nervous as well

“I think I have been better, there is a reason why Im calling” Michael’s palms begin to sweat

“Ok whats going on?” you ask while looking around the kitchen and see something thats out of place. Well more like to distract you from saying something stupid.

Dean looks to you and knew you are distracting yourself from say anything remotely stupid. He smiles at the random things you do.

He goes back into the living room and watches the sports channels to catch up on a few highlight reels.

“I was wondering if you would like to company me to lunch whenever you are ready?” finally he comes out the question he has been dying to ask you.

“Uh,,,,,,,ok. Im ready right now” you reply quickly while stumbling around the kitchen but quick to place everything back without Michael hearing a rukus.

Dean walks into the kitchen and witnesses you dropping and knocking things over as you quickly place them back. He covers his mouth to conatin his laughter. But he relaeses a slight chuckle.

“Ok, I will be there in 20 minutes” Michael replies as a wide smile spreads across his face

“Yeah sounds great, see you soon” after you answer him and hung up the phone is when your heart begins to beat so fast you fear its going to stop soon.

Then you realize what you have agreed to is when Anna creeps into your thoughts.

“Oh no, what did I just do?” you say while Dean comes back into the kitchen to try and eavesdrop.

He realizes you are off the phone and begins to notice the nerves you are beginning to have.

“Hey hey hey whats wrong?” Dean asks as he places his hands on both of your shoulders.

“I just agreed to go out for lunch with Michael and Anna came into mind. Dean what if she finds out about us going out in public” you tell him what you are feeling.

“Look at me, I dont think she will find out considering she isnt in town. Go to lunch with him and see how everything goes from there ok? Maybe I should ask Cas if he wants to do something since you will be out” he says with a smile creeping on his face as soon as he mentions Cas.

“Yeah you go do that, looks like he is here. I will see you later ok” you tell Dean as you pull away from him to kiss his cheek and go to the closet to put on your jacket.

Dean stands at the door as you walk out and notices Michael come out of the truck to wave to Dean and he returns the gesture.

Michael opens the door for you.

“Thank you” you say and get inside his truck.

“You are very welcome” Michael says with a smile on his face.

'Good man Michael' Dean mutters to himself as he sees him do that for you.

“Take care of her Mike, Im counting on you” Dean yells from the front door.

“I will, see you later” Michael yells back to him and backs out of the drive way to head into town to the diner for lunch.

As the both of you drive into town and the silence is all around is when you look to the radio and decide to turn it on for some music.

“Mind if I turn on the radio for some music?” you ask looking to Michael.

“By all means” he answers you with a smile on his face and you can feel he is feeling rather content and that makes you less tense about the whole lunch all together.

As soon as you turn on the radio is when a song called Trapped by a thing called love by Denise Lasalle comes through the radio and listening to the lyrics makes the both of you smile.

********************************

Tags List:

@jms-01

@animegirlgeeky

@strangerthingshargove

@freerebelmentality

@enthusedbycuriosity

@sia-del

@jacobmarkstrom25

@takethetimetowasteamoment

[shakes-bier]

I‘ve reached the goal weight I had with fourteen

But now it doesn’t feel like a victory. Then I would tried to reach it by throwing my lunch away and not eating anything but a chocolate bar for the entire day. Now I reached it by procastinating getting groceries or cooking or just eating in general. I used to love food, so much. I was one of those people who could eat whatever they wanted and didn‘t gain weight. But I had a though year and I don‘t know how or why, but that has changed. Since I spend a week in my bed after being dumped doing nothing but smoking and drinking, I lost all appetite. I just don‘t want to eat anymore and I don‘t feel hungry. Eating has become more a core than a pleasure. I know I shouldn‘t go to bed without dinner, but when I think about what I could eat, I could sometimes throw up just thinking about it. Sometimes I look down on my meal and it feels like my enemy. Don‘t get me wrong I know I have to eat and I am really trying my best to get food down, but I get so full after a few bites and every bite after that feels so forced. I just wanna be able to eat my favorite food again and having it taste good without being grossed out by the texture in my mouth after a few seconds.

Also my body image has changed. I always was rather thin. I always felt comfortable with that and never ‚hated‘ my body. But since I lost weight the past months I have gotten a lot of comments about it. And then my body image shifted. My dad always says I‘m nothing but ‚skin and bones‘ and lately my body feels like just that. I look in the mirror and catch myself wondering how all my organs are supposed to fit in there. I notice my hip bones sticking out more than they used to, how my pants fit even looser now and how my wrists are even smaller now. My body has become a reflection of my health. I feel conflicted because I don‘t want to stop loving my body, but the way it is now isn‘t healthy.

[derpyslurpy-da-derp-master]

Why Emotionally Abusive Dads In Disney Is A Serious Problem

PLEASE SPREAD THIS. LET EMOTIONAL ABUSE VICTIMS KNOW THAT THEY ARENT ALONE AND THAT THEIR ABUSE ISNT OKAY.

So. Let’s get this outta the way immediately, I had and still have an emotionally abusive father myself and it took me a very long time to realize I was being abused. Why? Because I saw so many dads in movies I watched act exactly like him. Because to a kids brain, seeing these Emotionally abusive characters put in a positive light in the end made me think it was normal and okay. But it’s not. Not by a long shot. Because of this I let myself be victimized by my father over and over again, because I thought it was okay. And I just know that other kids with emotionally abusive fathers are growing up with this same skewed perception of morality because a movie said these abusive men are good parents. And before you go ‘What emotionally abusive parents?’

What these characters have in common?

Dream Crushing. Telling their children they can’t pursue their dreams. Neglecting them. Solving arguments with shouting. Not thinking about what their child must be feeling. Destroying or attempting to destroy things their child loves/cares about.

These kind of characters are the reason I thought my emotional abuse was okay.

Now, the reason it was so potent in making me okay with my abuse was because a lot of the things these guys do hit close to home. 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve feared for my well being when his temper rose to Triton levels. I can’t tell you how many times my dad’s treated me nicely when I’m doing what he wants like Moana’s father only to snap at me the second I try to be who I really am. I can’t tell you how many times my dad has been like Remi’s father, telling me that i’m crazy if I pursue my dreams as an artist, saying it’s useless, treating me like garbage because I kept doing what I love. I can’t tell you how many times he’s outright abandoned me the second I’m under scrutiny that he doesn’t want to deal with like Buck Cluck does to his son.

I’ll start with the first and most violent of abusive fathers I've listed; King Triton. He’s one of two men on this list that tried to (and succeeded) destroy(ing) something his child cares about, and by that I mean everything his daughter cares about short of murdering Flounder. Like... The scene in Ariel’s grotto ties by stomach in knots every single time I see it because it’s so familiar and so harsh and just... I can’t even put it into words. This scene makes so many emotions go through me, both because of the scene itself and the memories it brings to the forefront of my mind. I’m not going to say anymore because I’d rather not throw a pity party for myself. But this is absolutely the prime example of an emotionally abusive father in Disney, he spends most of the movie literally trying to control Ariel who shows many of the signs of an emotionally abused child. And this... This scene is just the icing on the already toxic relationship.

Tritons not the only one trying to legitimately destroy something his kid cares about, when watching Moana I had serious flashbacks to the aformentioned scene. I already was going ‘great another emotionally abusive dad’ when I saw how the main conflict of the first half of the movie was literally Cheif Tui forbidding his daughter from being herself, something that a lot of emotionally abusive parents do to keep control of their children. But then, this happened. 

He... He wants to burn the boats. He wants to burn the boats Moana had found and chucks the Heart Of Tafiti as far as he can, something of great importance to his daughter. This man is literally pulling a Triton, but in this case he doesn’t get the chance because he tossed the Heart where his mother’s walking stick had dropped. Think about that for a moment, if he hadn’t thrown it right there, He would have been too busy burning boats while his daughter was crying ‘NO!’ to be with his mother on her deathbed. That is how far Tui would go (Moana pun unintentional) to say ‘You can’t be who you are because I say so’ to his child. 

Django isn’t violent per-say, but he definitely is controlling and NOT a good father to Remi.

This guy refuses to let anybody do anything even remotely different from him, Emile mentions at the beginning of the movie that Django would be upset if he saw Remi walking on his hind legs. Yes, you read that right, this guy would be very upset at his own son if he dared to do so much as to walk on his hind legs. That’s how controlling he is. 

And when Remi is found alive at first Django’s nothing but happy that his son is alive, but the second Remi reveals just how much he’s grown as a person away from his father’s suffocating watch Django’s on him again and being even more adamant then before on telling his Son who he can and can’t be.

He goes so far as to take him to a pest control storefront with Rat Carcasses in Mouse Traps hanging from the display to make his point of ‘Humans can only be bad because they hate us and you’re wrong.’ He shows his child dead bodies of other rats killed by humans. To make a point.

Remi rightfully takes every opportunity to be away from his dad, and thankfully had a much better role model in Chef Gusteau who taught him how to create things in his own way and that his father was wrong about the world, and thank god for that, if Remi listened to his father Ratatouille wouldn’t be my third favorite Disney Movie.

Ohhhh Buck Cluck. Where do I even begin. Well how bout with the fact that the Youtuber MysteriousMrEnter hates this guy so much he would ‘Urinate on his grave given the opportunity’ and is from one of the most despised Disney Movies of all time which is very bad/offensive like half the jokes are ‘ha ha this guys fat’ or ‘ha ha this girls ugly’ or ‘ha ha bullying and maiming’

Well Buck’s definitely not the same as these other guys... And by that I mean he neglects his son and abandons him to avoid the embarrassment of having Chicken Little as his son. Oh, and he only ever acts like he loves him after he does good in baseball since Buck wants to re-live his glory days through his son and if he can’t do that his son is dead to him. He. Is. SO EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. He neglects his son and makes his son feel absolutely worthless, he abandons him when he needs his dad the most, all for what? Because he doesn’t want to be associated with his own son??

Every one of these abusive dads has a happy ending and is ‘redeemed’ because they help their kid somehow in the end. Every. Single. One. And the movie acts like the abuse didn’t happen in the first place or that them occasionally being nice makes the abuse okay. It’s already hard enough to get away from Emotional Abusers, it’s even harder when they’re not awful all the time to make you think you’re exaggerating what’s happening to you, and it’s even worse with movies reinforcing that you are exaggerate since these abusive dads are put in a positive light at the end. This entire hot-cold attitude is how Emotional Abusers keep their victims from leaving or getting help. (This push-pull/hot-cold technique is also the same technique used by cults to keep their members from leaving.)

We need to stop letting abused kids think their abuse is normal, we need to stop normalizing abuse.

But, to end on a positive note, here are two Disney Dad’s that gave me some hope and a glimpse of actually good and healthy Father-Child relationship. These dads were genuinely really great parents that were very good examples for their kids and poured all their love into them, and that would be Mufasa and Tiana’s father, James. I mean both of them are dead and have little screen time, but that’s what happens when you aren’t an antagonist I guess.

In the Lion King, there’s a moment that is set up exactly like the aforementioned ‘kid does something they were told not to do which makes emotionally abusive dad lash out at them and/or destroy something they really care about’ that was highlighted with Triton and Tui. Simba just endangered both himself and Nala, Mufasa is clearly upset about it and says he needs to teach his son a lesson. Simba looks like he expects to get the aforementioned treatment of anger and i’m assuming this is the first time he’s ever truly upset his dad. Except...

Mufasa doesn’t shout at him. He doesn’t try to destroy anything. He isn’t upset because his child dared to defy him, he’s upset because his child put himself in danger, he was afraid for his well-being. Instead of shouting angrily, Mufasa takes this opportunity to take his ‘teach my son a lesson’ comment literally and teach Simba something. He teaches him what it truly means to be brave, they resolve their tension by the two being lovingly playful like a father and son should be, then Mufasa decides to teach him something else, about the past kings, and about how he’ll always be there for him. Instead of punishing his son harshly, he taught his son how to be better. That is a good dad.

James on the other hand doesn’t even have the hinting of the usual abusive dad trope to subvert it, James is just that- A really good, supportive dad.

Like, there are SO MANY bad dads in Disney specifically that try to keep their kids from their dreams because they don’t approve or understand, here James is nothing but supportive of Tiana’s dream, in fact they share the same dream of opening up a restaurant they can call their own. James sees her talents and he nurtures them so she can pursue her own dream, he instills the value of hard work and good cooking into his daughter, but not by force like the other dads on this list, because as Mama Oddie says, ‘You’re your daddy’s daughter, what he had in him you’ve got in you!’ Tiana grew up to become the amazing woman she is in large part because she had such a supportive, nurturing father that pointed her in the right direction. 

So, in conclusion. We need more good examples like Mufasa and James, we need to stop pretending emotional abuse is okay, because it isn’t. Let’s set future generations good examples that they don’t get in their own homes.

[xerborgen]

high school shit

i was actually just watching some back to school videos on youtube and oh boy am i inspired to actually write this entry! i’m going into my last year of high school this incoming school year, and this is what i got so far.

things that I noticed/realized/experienced in high school:

1. i wanted to be alone most of the time

2. i developed a liking to studying for exams/doing notes

3. once something slips out of your mouth, you already have a +1 weight on your shoulders 

4. its never good to shut out your friends and expect them to understand it. you owe them an explanation 

5. never get too attached. initially, i’m not a kind of person that gets attached attached, i never really resented anyone who left me or never really missed someone that much and seemed possessive. 

6. things can go incredibly slow, and incredibly fast

7. slice of tasks off your to do list as many as you can. sometimes i do time my working periods whenever i get that random shot of productivity but sometimes that just doesn’t really do the job a lot, especially if i have a shit ton of works to do over the week. try to do better every time.

8. work better, not harder - whenever i’m doing an overnight homework or task and my eyes get droopy real hard that i can’t even focus on what i’m doing or why the fuck i was there anymore, i choose to go to sleep and not strain myself, and pay myself back in the morning. i come to school early as possible - if not, then i try to “cram” into finishing the homework before the subject when its needed starts. LOOK i know cramming is BAD but i kinda powered through it???? for example, if i cant understand the my fucking math homework the night before, there’s no use stressing out and trying hard to understand it. instead, i go to school and before math class starts, i approach a few classmates to teach me how to do it ((or maybe,,,,, , , give me some answers and i’ll just learn it in time)). that literally saved my life in the long run.

9. in line with my previous statement, its good to have a few close friends and a good reputation in class. i realized that acting emo isnt going to magically have someone gravitate to me and help. i had to reach out, go out there, and even if i dread a lot of people and i have only a few i can tolerate I HAD TO GO OUT THERE AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. i’ve learnt how to say no

11. even if my chair is left handed or not my fucking back is still going to hurt like a lil bitch

12. i realized how much i daydreamed about school ending and then like???? whap???? the new year comes and like whoosh??? its my finals already?????

13. value time

14. lo-fi is literally my ride or die, this bitch really was at my side EVERYTIME. but forreal, whenever i study or do stuff i usually put on some lo-fi beats and everything just gets better.

15. jack of all trades, master of none. i have a few well-known classmates whom are known to be all-rounders, and a lot of people envied them and proclaimed how they were good at everything. hearing and seeing these made me feel bad about myself, because all i was really good at  knew was how to edit, design, dance, study - and i was never sporty nor good at any musical instrument which are UNFORTUNATELY the talents that a lot of people consider as “cool”. 

- but, it kinda warms my heart whenever there are video presentations or design stuff that gets put on discussion, few of my classmates turn to me and depend on me about it. its like they knew, they knew they could trust me about it, because they liked how i liked how i do. and that kind of makes me giddy... the thought of giving them unceremoniously something to remember me by.

16. i dont know why didnt i put this FIRST but this is actually my favorite. usually, i tend to want to go home immediately after a long day in school, thus making my dad fetch me after class (side note, i dont know if this is a stigma or not but getting fetched after school lowkey is kinda uncool, because i dont know.......im a grown 15 yo waiting for my fetcher to come pick me up but i powered through it and come to the conclusion that i dont rlly care i just want to go home)

16.5 me and my close friends, S, L, G, A, we like to eat at this takoyaki place near my house (its actually inside a mall of some sort, its just a ten minute walk from my place to there). i usually secretly brought my phone with me to school, so even if these takoyaki dates were sudden, i had no reason to bring the offer down. i usually spend these food trips with my friend S, which with the courtesy of her kind mother, usually considers letting us eat at this takoyaki place while she lets their cute dog shanaia be groomed in the pet parlor. me and S, during these times, have talked a lot about different stuff, and i’m really thankful for her - as well as to my other close friends. although i don’t treat anyone as a best friend, they shouldn’t underestimate how much they mean to me.

- having an older sister is nice... me and my older sister actually had a conflict before. i was at an age where everything was just so emotionally scarring that it inflicted some kind of bitter wound in my heart that i just refused to mend that time. i rarely used the word hate, but at that time, i hated my family. i hated how i was treated, i hated how i was so hopeless, but i clung to any piece of comfort i longed. i guess i was just an emotional mess back then... this was all when i was in sixth grade.

things have changed a lot now. my parents have started to listen somehow. i found out that my sister was actually going through something so traumatizing that i failed to acknowledge because i let my emotions take over me.

- now... i gradually am trying to control my emotions - not the other way around. because once your emotions take over you, you get vulnerable. you get easily bitten. you let your guard down, and in this world, keeping your guard down is one risk that you should be wary of taking. 

its not that i’m preventing myself to feel, to enjoy... but to regulate my emotions and place them where its best. talk when you’re allowed to, or only talk about personal stuff when i’m with my close friends. once a person sees into me... it could be game over. 

i make decisions. and i have to avoid certain circumstances where i could possibly feel a lot of unwanted emotions. although a lot of things are stringed together by fate, and sometimes the scissors are nowhere to be found, and that i was supposed to do something that could blow my cover. its really better if you know yourself, you control yourself. if i couldnt avoid, modify how i behave. how i react. control what i show on the outside.

- i deserve some kind of happiness atleast... i shouldn’t be too hard on myself. i know this, but the pathetic thing is, i can’t do it. sometimes the only thing that deprives me of my own happiness is myself - which is for me, something so pathetic that i can’t even get sick of it.

- if there’s a will, there’s a way

- sometimes its good to look back once in a while... to see how far you’ve gone. if i can still see fragments of my past, then i’ll use that to strive to get further, further away from the demons that haunts me. if i can’t, then... smile, and look forward.

- you can fear things. but don’t let it show on your face. instead, fight it, anyway.

- everyone is just scared as i am.

- i don’t necessarily need to say my stand.

- i can’t judge dramatic people because that would mean i’m judging myself. but when did i have stopped judging myself?

- its good to go out for walks once in a while.

- rainy days elongated with a class suspension are always stuff to look forward for and cherish. the rain only visits me once in a while, i miss it.

- moments are traces of life

- sometimes, you never really see the value of something until they’re gone... 

シルエット

[hecallsmehischild]

Recent Media Consumed

Books

Divorce and Remarriage in the Church by David Instone-Brewer. Before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, no, I’m absolutely not considering this. Friend is going through this and said it should be a general read in the Christian community because it also teaches theology and what questions you ask when reading the Bible, and how not to say things like, “Well, guess you can never get remarried,” to your friend going through divorce because it isn’t true. That prelude being said... I’m still not done yet, but I’m at least 3/4 through and it is blowing my mind almost every chapter and I will be reading this book aloud and posting it to Youtube, as I’ve been doing with other books recently, because it’s THAT important.

A Map of Days by Ransom Riggs. I’m not entirely sure what to think of this book. It definitely made me feel better about the too-many-coincidences-helping-our-heroes-out issues of the previous book. I think I’ll trek with this series a bit longer (she says, having come to the end of the book which cliffhangers off, promising ANOTHER in the works).

Watership Down by Richard Adams. I read this book a few times as a child and then again as highschool required reading (I was mortally offended when classmates referred to it as “the bunny book” as if it was some cute little hoppity hop hop fluff novel). It’s pretty much how I remembered it. Gritty. Puts you in with rabbits and the mindset of the animal (can’t really count higher than four, get to know each other through touch and smell and breathing rate and play, revere stories of tricksters, etc) and is overall a wonderful and absorbing read. I also greatly appreciate the inclusion of a glossary of terms in the back whenever the text doesn’t immediately explain a word. 2/3 through my re-read and it’s a comforting book to go through again, after all these years. My copy doesn’t even have a front cover anymore and the back cover is dogged and all the pages are near-brown and all the swear words are blotted out from my super puritanical phase where I wanted to censor all my books as a teen. It’s a lovely relic of bygone days and a comforting read. Though now I’m irritated at myself for all the blotted out words jarring me out of a good reading flow.

On Deck: Trauma Stewardship by Laura Van Dernoot Lipskey and Connie Burk.

Shows

Watership Down (Netflix). (before re-reading the book) I guess this could be classed as “miniseries” or “very long movie broken into four parts”. Last time I read Watership Down was in high school for assigned reading, though I had already read it as a morbid little kid and loved it. I can’t remember all details, but whoever made this show quite obviously loved the source material. It does similar things as the book, like dumping you into the rabbits’ vocabulary without explaining and allowing you to pick up what things mean as you watch (or hoping you read the book and already understand the words). Nothing rings very false to what I remembered. This is a well done adaptation. It’s a little hard to distinguish most of the rabbits from each other, but stepping back and watching with a general comprehension (instead of getting absolutely stuck on figuring out which rabbit is which) is useful in this case. Overall? Good watch. (revision of opinion post re-reading the book, see above point) So I’m starting to see where the Netflix version took a bit of a left turn. It did a fairly good job, though actually the book didn’t drop us into the terminology as sharply as I thought I remembered. The thing that stands out to me the most is that Netflix brought more females to the front of the story and that does actually bother me to a certain extent, and here’s why: where is the sense in dropping human morality onto an animal STORY? An animal FABLE is a whole different kettle of fish. An animal FABLE is like Animal Farm, where animal characters are intended to stand in for human counterparts to deliver hard truths. An animal STORY is like Watership Down or The Promise of the Wolves or Venus Among the Fishes and all stories that take place WITHIN the animal world as if we, the reader, are experiencing things from the animal point of view entirely. In the book, Watership Down, the female rabbits (does) are looked on mostly as acquisitions to be made and are not very plot relevant beyond that, but this is understandable because, simply, they are animals. This isn’t about human morality, this is about prey mammals figuring out survival, both day to day survival and survival of their warren. To this end, the males (bucks) do most of the planning and fighting and trickstering wherein lies the action of Watership Down. By bringing the does to the forefront, it feels like Netflix was trying to shoehorn in some human morality because saying otherwise would be distasteful to people watching. But. It’s. About. Animals. So this is a bit of a sticking point for me that does bother me. However, overall, I saw nothing that truly gutted the heart of the book and still consider it worth a watch.

Steven Universe: The Recent Upheavals. I don’t know. I love the new fusion designs. I absolutely adored That Scene (got chills when he shouted). But I’m not sure how I feel about a lot of the rest. Very conflicted.

Ditched after one episode list: Dragon Pilot (Netflix), Last Hope (Netflix).

Movies

Albion: The Enchanted Stallion. Okay, I guess? Writing was kind of mediocre, but another one where they were obviously trying with beautiful sets and costumes.

Shrek. It’s been a long time but it was a good rewatch. The gross stuff always gets to me a bit, but the thing is they built it to be totally in character and part of this creature’s fairytale existence which earns it more points. Shrek has always been one of the most loving fairytale deconstruction mockery movies and now I want to rewatch the second one because I remember it being superior in every way to an already wonderful first movie.

The Prince of Egypt. It’s been a long time. I was struck again how beautiful certain songs on that soundtrack are (any of the large chorus songs and the Heaven’s Eyes song especially) and the utter despair of coming to repeated dead ends, but how in spite of that, no. God was always there. I have a million questions about why the dead ends and heart-hardening was necessary in the first place BUT. God was still always there. And the Jews exist to this day. This movie isn’t, of course, completely accurate but it is beautiful and it reminded me of things I needed reminding about.

Games

Life is Strange 2, chapter 1. Conflicted on a couple of points. Character Caricatures don’t sit well with me in general. But it’s beautiful and gripping and I’m looking forward to continuing with chapter 2 soon.

[tchaikovskaya]

ive been feeling so weird lately, mostly bc im at home for the summer and being in my hometown brings up a lot of memories about this shit, also because theres so much turmoil in my life rn its just all one huge mess. but i feel so conflicted about my age and the passage of time and all of that nonsense. like im 21 and i feel old. mentally i still feel 17. i seriously sometimes think that 2014 was like last year but it wasnt, and it freaks me out when i remember that it isnt and im gonna be a senior in college in august and i feel like the last 3-4 years just like evaporated into thin air!!!! and it sucks because i KNOW that high school was fucking miserable, i clearly remember that, i was exhausted and stressed and under way too much pressure and mentally ill for literally my entire adolescence. and yet i still have this weird nostalgia for high school, when i felt like i could do anything, follow any path, achieve anything if i just worked hard enough. and thats not true anymore, the world isnt my oyster anymore, maybe it never was but i felt like it was. and i thought college would solve all of that and i’d finally realize my true potential when i was in an environment that challenged me and gave me a little more independence but that didnt happen. if anything im more directionless than when i started and everything is falling down around me and i dont know what to do. like...... my “teenage glory” was that i was GOING SOMEWHERE IN LIFE and everyone knew it and all i had to do was go to school and come home and do well academically and not blow my brains out, and now i have actual responsibilities ???? and just being smart doesnt make me Special anymore. idk where im going with this, but it was just simpler then when i could lie to myself and tell myself that i would be successful as an adult and i would be accomplished and happy and lol its looking like none of that is gonna come to fruition any time soon, probably never if im being totally honest with myself. just....... my future is not as bright as i thought it would be and im also simultaneously having like a mini breakdown so things are just not lookin good over here these days!!!! and i want to be perpetually 17 thats really where i belong lol

[bemusedlybespectacled]

#i think this post needs to cover the issue of communication more #cuz no relationship is perfect or without conflict even the best ones #and a really good sign of wether or not ur relationship is healthy #is when conflicts arise how does it get dealt with #cuz if the answer isnt talking and trying to understand each other then its not gonna work out #that is actual hard effort in relationships and it can either break or strengthen the relationship depending how the communication goes (via @soupy-gremlin)

That is 100% true: while I touched on it in my tl;dr, I didn't cover it extensively as part of the post's thesis. I agree that communication is a major reason why something may feel like work, but I actually want to go a step further and explain the "good work" v. "bad work" in communication.

Like, okay, say you have a relationship where Person A always leaves their socks on the floor, and Person B hates having socks on the floor. Obviously the thing to do is to have a conversation about it in a respectful manner (as opposed to B suffering in silence or A getting angry the second B brings it up). Like, "talk about it" is step one in dealing with the problem.

But the second step is actually implementing what you discuss. If B tells A, every day, all the time, "I am upset when you leave your socks on the floor," and A always responds, "I hear your concerns and understand your needs and agree I should no longer leave my socks on the floor," but then keeps leaving their socks on the floor, the communication occurred but it didn't do anything. Now B knows that expending the time and effort to talk to A accomplishes nothing, so talking at all isn't worth it.

And actually, I think we see that in the article itself:

After my breakdown, I tell Bill I’m going to need some time to myself. I can’t keep everyone glued together anymore. Bill apologizes. He says traveling has been stressful. He mentions that we’ve been walking a lot, which is hard on his bad knee. He reminds me how he broke his tooth on a piece of hard bread in Melbourne, a story he’s told to every single person we’ve encountered since Melbourne. “I remember,” I reply, wishing I didn’t.

This comes right after a long, long description of her suffering in silence throughout an entire vacation with her husband and the kids, gritting her teeth and ignoring every single problem until she explodes. And, according to her, he responds to this outburst by talking about how the vacation has been hard for him. Which is followed by this:

[...] I encourage Bill to be more like me: Give up control. Relax. Let these birds make their noises, and they’ll quiet down quickly. When you treat them like they’re doing it wrong, it only gets worse. But Bill doesn’t learn new lessons that quickly. He studies the learning sciences, but he is not a good learner.

She has (either through experience with him personally or just in general) come to the conclusion that it's better to just ignore problems rather than to try communication, since communication only makes things worse. And she has either tried to explain this exact thing to him, or tried to explain other things to him, and he hasn't responded to the thing by changing his behavior.

So like, yes, communication and dealing with conflict in a healthy manner is important. And that also shouldn't feel like work. If communication itself feels like work, that is also a problem.

I’m actually still, as the kids say, Big Mad™ about that really awful New York Times article about marriage, and I’d been meaning to make a post on this anyway for a while, so, based solely on my own experiences in my own relationships, here’s my pithy bit of relationship wisdom:

Relationships take work, but they should not feel like work.

When I say “work,” I’m thinking of a bunch of things that we do for each other that technically require effort, but the effort is minimal compared to wanting to make the other person’s life easier and for them to be happy.

I like heist films and shows. My partner doesn’t - he gets bad secondhand embarrassment. I spoil the plot for him to let him know what will happen, and I’m not offended if he pulls out headphones and plays Dark Souls on his laptop so his attention isn’t solely on the movie. Both sitting through something you don’t love and explaining what’s going to happen are technically work – like, they’re something you have to do instead of doing nothing – but it’s not a big deal.

When one of us is working or watching something or on our computers, we can always interrupt the other (knowing that, if it can’t be interrupted, we’ll tell each other and it’s no big deal). It takes effort for me to disengage from a movie to help him season chicken without getting his chicken-y hands all over the pepper shaker, and it takes effort for him to put away his video game to help me get stuff off a high shelf, but we do it, because it’s not a big deal.

Most of the time, for long car trips, he drives, because I get nervous driving. But recently I drove the six-hour round trip to a family thing because he had driven to a different family thing the week before and was sick of driving and wanted to be able to nap in the car. We’re both putting in the effort of driving each other, but it’s not a big deal.

I hate physical chores and avoid them whenever possible, but I am good at planning and making lists and identifying problems. He prefers doing the actual physical stuff but gets nervous about messing something up if he’s not following specific directions.

Writing out a long description of how to do the laundry (like, “all of the dark clothes need to be washed in cold water, gentle cycle, with enough liquid laundry soap that it comes up to the 1 line on the cap, and then hung on the drying rack instead of being put in the dryer”) is work. Actually doing the laundry is also work. Planning meals for the week and then working out what groceries we need for those meals and making a list and then sorting that list out by store and specific aisle is work. Carrying the groceries up two flights of stairs to our apartment and putting them away is also work. This is literally how we divide up almost all of our chores. We do these things for each other because they make each other’s lives easier.

Like… at no point does it feel like a grand sacrifice. There’s no “oh god, there he goes, asking me to emulsify a sauce for him again. Oh well, I must Suffer™ because that’s what love is.” I cannot describe how absolutely mundane it feels. It just doesn’t even register as effort.

I think that those things feeling like a grand sacrifice is what breeds resentment. It’s not sustainable to feel like you’re martyring yourself every day just to tolerate someone else’s presence. Love doesn’t mean heroically ignoring your own suffering forever.

And writing off a potential problem with “well, your partner is just an unfathomable mystery and inherently flawed, so nothing will change” or “that’s how marriage works! love is a choice!” is really not helpful at all.

[kaibuntsu]

A Human’s Curse

Sequel to The Accursed Scritches.

Long gone the days where I turned into black goop every time I was touched with just a tiny ounce of affection. After weeks—months—of you petting me and nuzzling my snout, which you keep insisting to call ‘the snoot’, I have become hardened. Sometimes you lament my lack of melting and you made it your life’s mission to make me turn into goop again.

Did that ever work out, I wonder? So I ask you, without sounding too...eager to know.

“Eh, I guess I failed,” you answer. Your voice express disappointment, but your face beams, a smile stretches across your pale skin. I see that you mean to have a little laugh, but your entire body already discomforts you before you even made a sound. You have never been able to laugh freely anymore since your body started to fight against you.

“But that’s okay,” you continue, “I miss the way you just splatted and become goop, but that’s not the most important thing.”

I scowl, confused. “Why isn’t it important? You always find joy in my embarrassment. I even dare say it was what kept you going.”

“You have a point, but that’s not what I mean, silly!” You look up to me while your weak, bony hand reach out to meet the one arm I have left. Your hands grow ever so cold these past few weeks. Your eyes drift to blunt stubs where my other five arms once were. I feel self-conscious that you look at my disfigurement so silently so long. You keep doing that time and time again. “Tell me again how you lost all but one of your arms?”

A heavy sigh came with a hiss from my mouth. Again with this question? “I lost them to fights against other demons. I’m a Greater Demon, please do keep that in mind. I have a lot of competition.”

Then, you scoff. “So you went into fights five times and each time you lost an arm? What, did you like do an arm-splitting kamehameha kind of thing every time you fight?” I do not understand what you were talking about; sometimes you just spout the oddest of words out that small mouth of yours. You do not even give me a chance to ask what you meant. “You’re a sucky fighter and a suckier liar, you damn snake.”

“Would you look at that, your first insult to me. And it’s horrible. Horrible as in that is the most gentle insult anyone has ever thrown at me.”

“Whatever! Shut up!”

“You shut up! You’ll only hurt yourself.”

You laugh even harder, you even force your body to bear with it, even though I know from how you clutch your chest as you struggle to get a sound out. You really want to feel this laughter, don’t you? Even your poor bodily condition cannot stop your desire to have a good time with me.

Your laughter quiets down into some giggles as your eyes gaze at me again more gently than they ever did. There is something eerie in that gentleness, I have no idea what it is and why I feel so. “Do you still remember what your purpose was, when I accidentally released you three years ago? You wanted to eat me, didn’t you?”

My cold heart skips a beat; I cannot believe you remember while I forgot. I cannot tell you that I forgot. That makes me sound stupid and I believe I have made a fool of myself in front of you too many times to let you have this one. “I lost my appetite,” I reply, not entirely making an excuse.

“Because I’m an unappealing food? I mean, don’t blame ya. I’m like...zero percent nutrition at this point.”

“No, that’s not why.” I stop myself. I hesitate; why I stopped attempting to eat you is very...undemonic of me. I feel disgusted just humoring such thought, but another part of me feels I should not feel such contempt. Demons are beings driven mainly by impulses and emotions, after all.

“You can eat me now.” Your words brought a snowstorm all over my elongated spine. “I have nothing left for the world. Buuuuut, I definitely have something that you can take—”

“If you’re going to say something cheesy and flirty, I swear to Batara Kala…!” I stop you, even raise my fist to show you that I mean it. Your mouth opens to continue and confront it with a hiss. When you keep persisting to say it, I hiss louder and show my fangs. That only made you scrunch your face in an attempt not to laugh too loud again as your body just hates you for laughing so hard earlier on.

“Alright, okay, you win this round, Wormy.”

“Since I win, then will you do me a favor and get a rest? No more joking around.” I drag your blanket up and cover your frail shoulders. You let out a small content sigh as I bring you warmth with my gesture.

“You’re not going to go out and pick a fight with other demons this time, are you?”

“That was my plan, initially.”

“Well, cancel it. What if I wake up in the middle of the night, don’t find you here, and feel lonely? I never make you feel lonely.” I take a long moment to consider if I should accept or deny your request, but you—at least your glare—are not giving me much choice.

“Tch, fine. I will humor you this time.”

Hearing me succumb brings back your weak smile. “G’night, then. Luv ya, Wormy.”

I do as you said, but my serpentine muscles twitch, itching to slide away into the night. Have you no idea what would have happened if I hadn’t lost my arms? I guess...I never really told you about that. Yet, you called me a liar earlier, so I suppose you have an idea. I suppose you were not joking when you let me eat you.

I loom over you. You are asleep so I have no need to constrict you with my silvery scales. My jaws loosen, gaping as wide as I need to fit your whole body in one swallow. I take another good look of your face, how peaceful you seem and how your last little smile you gave before falling asleep seems to burn itself onto your face permanently. If only I can stare at this peacefulness forever.

My jaws shut tight, with you in front of my lips. I cannot bring myself to eat you, even if I am able to, even when you have given your permission. I just do not have the will to wrap my mouth around you and swallow you whole. And with that, the small tremors that always course throughout your body ceased, air stops blowing out of your nostrils, your body becomes colder than mine.

You knew, didn’t you, that this is coming, whether or not I eat you? You wanted me to be the last thing you see? You fear of feeling lonely? What about me? Did you not think if I will feel lonely?!

...No, you probably did. And it probably torn you apart inside.

You called me a liar? I think we both know who the bigger liar was…

In the distance behind me, I heard the sound of wood cracking, as if it had been violently split by an axe. I wonder what cause the noise that distracted my conflict of feelings, and it was a small box. Or should I say the small box. The very small box I was trapped in and released from three years ago. It broke...how? After so many times it had been lost to fires, crushed by heavy objects, even by a crumbling building at one point. Why, after all the hazards that happened upon it, did it break?

I pushed myself towards it and inspected the accursed box. The lid somehow broke on the hinges, while its surface full of cracks and chips and scorch marks, so is the rest of it. As if the effects of the hazards that fell before upon it finally appear themselves, and with that, breaking my curse. I am once more a freed demon. I should feel elated, yet my cold heart feels, well...cold. What point is there being free?

It starts to glow all of a sudden, the bottom of the box. I lift it closer to eyes, inspecting what appears to be a short archaic scripture, written in gold, and in a style of language that is riddling. A common style among monks and wisemen. It details the key to my release and I throw the box across the room as soon as I read it.

Stupid humans and their stupid trickery! They call demons cruel yet they toy with our impulses! Make me care about someone—someone normally I consider food—and use their soul as ransom for my release! Disgusting, sickening, horrid humans!

My long body feels weak, the turmoil makes me lose control of my form. The first thing I can think of is rushing, as much as my half-goopy body can rush, to my human. For some reason, I feel like it is the only way to help me maintain my form. I crush the lifeless body under my long, droopy, disfiguring body, my one only hand desperately cups the face I have come so fond of.

You! I will not let you go so easily! I will not be free and lonely at the same time! You will be with me! I know where to find you! And I will find you and you will want to be taken by me! I will make you my second head if I have to! Despicable humans and their lies and trickery...after I claim back what was mine, I will bring destruction upon you all.

I cradled my human’s body, curling my disfigured set of scales around the cold frail skin, engulfing it entirely in black sticky goop that is soon creating black smoke out of it, as my being boils from all the strong heat of grief and rage inside me.

I am lonely.

I am livid.

I am suffering.

All because a human loves me, and I love the human back.

[kaminohana]

i just need to get this out somewhere

im always having conflicting feelings these days, all the time. im not working hard enough. no, im doing so much work, i need to allow myself time to rest. no, i need to be pushing myself. i need to be attentive to others' needs. no, i need to stand up for myself.

one or the other. the middle ground is so hard to come by.

i never feel refreshed these days, no matter what i do.

therapy is just about useless but i dont want to get another therapist because do you know how hard it is to find someone whos cool with my plurality in the current state its in.

i truly, truly cant go through the emotional effort it takes having to reintroduce my system to a professional at this time

every good thing i do that makes me happy is so temporary. i try so hard to derive intrinsic happiness from life, but its so hard and im so exhausted.

it doesnt feel like there are any rewards to everything i do. im alone. i just want a partner. if i just had a partner i could hold i could endure the rest of it. but we live in a society where you have to work for that, you have to go through extensive rituals to get to that point. i wish i lived in a society where i could hold people and it wasnt such a big deal. i dont even need sexually anymore, im just so worn out.

im so tired, and im still in chronic pain with my depression (yeah, p sure ive been denying it but it didnt exactly...go away) working 40+ hours a week now with so much shit at work...i just dont catch up.

even dissociating into thc doesnt help. its just temporary.

i thought distracting myself with media was the way to go, the way its always been. its not enough. my life is so utterly unfilling. im trying to work hard to engage my interests, but theres never enough time and when i do have time im so exhausted im working to catch up my body- either by going out and walking or chilling at home.

i hang out with a few close friends a lot, but that too takes up time and then i dont have any recharge time. even if i dont get recharged in my recharge time.

im just. not gaining anything it feels like, and i cant help but feel like its just my fault for seeing it that way, i just need to open my mind a bit. it always seems so easy when high. but there's nothing else on this side.

to be clear, i do enjoy my friendships, and i do have fun, even regularly you might say.

but everything else in my life is just so much and im so tired and i feel so alone. i dont even know what i need.

if only i had the money to keep living in this apartment...if i could just take a year to sort myself out. but even working 40 hours a week isnt the lifestyle for me. my body's just so messed up- even outside of mental strains, random pain crops up all the time in addition to my chronic pain.

i know im told just try, try. get therapy. take time for yourself. i do these things and get nothing. this life is just so hard to live right now

[lovestill-exists]

money

currency. that thing we chasing. i literally told a kid today that i needed to get a covid test so that i could eat tomorrow.

really, thats just an exaggeration though. To be honest, BrUTALLY so-- i am awful with the stuff.

I lost my wallet while running down the beach bed, flirting with the waves up to my ankles. the bitch stole it. ive been feeling that itch of something taking it the entire day. but what did i do? I pushed that sense out of the way, finding it really annoying. but it wasn’t wrong, was it? it never is

i felt like an idiot. especially when i was whispering wishes to the ocean, asking her about something completely different.. i trusted it was listening, answering my questions in its own, vague way the universe typically does.

instead, it swept up my wallet and gave me false hopes. im livid. genuinely mad

also, the job i took the covid test for isnt responding back to me. probably cos theyre on location and i was meant to look for a breakfast place for 40 people, but i didnt.. cos i told them i needed the address. “please send me the address to your location for tomorrow and i can get right on that” but nope. my hiring location scout told me a sad story instead over the phone, where she had awful reception and i couldn't hear half the words she said.. tried to tell her i couldnt hear her very well, that if she could quickly text me the information id need, then i can start doing my job.. but i doubt she heard me.

i called her again after getting back to my apartment to ask for that information

three hours later, she calls back but doesnt leave a voicemail

i call her back half an hour later and she answers, then hangs up.no call back.

and at this point, im not even mad if i dont work tomorrow. free covid test. ill get my results and have these days off again. I can make my doctor’s appointment.

will i be able to pay for the damn appointment. yes.

will it hurt to do it? only my ego..

I only have the foresight to be able to save a shitton of money if i need it.. call it a cautionary evil, quite necessary but.. its not as big of a basin as id like it to be. sometimes i wonder if im good at anything else.. make money on the side doing.. something else besides being a badass on set

cos set life isnt how it used to be. safe, that is.

I’m not above taking pictures of my feet, for instance.

but maybe.. i should look a lil deeper. I’m also not above working a 9-5 again

at least, until i find this thing im meant to be doing, besides rescuing dogs or something.. at least rescuing someone else, instead of someone rescuing me.

My boyfriend had enough foresight to lend me some money so i can get back home safely. i wasn’t even thinking about it. he mentioned how calm i seemed over losing my wallet, how no one could be blamed for going completely insane over it. but im used to it. how much worse does that sound?

Losing your wallet is losing your identity. your name. your address that isnt the one you reside at anymore but the one that felt closer to home in a long LONG time. your totem, the one your mother printed for you to assure that "abundance is always there for you". ha. my two debit cards.. probably my insurance card ive never used. a membership card for go karts in the bay area.. and 23 dollars.

what a loss. and at the same time.. i dont feel it as badly as i should.

like im lost. truly. like why dont i follow my inner instincts ushering me to just shut up and pay attention to it for once? i walked around, paid for things the entire day and everytime my wallet was in my hands, i had a sinking feeling of dread. that i need to keep it safe. and i felt stupid for feeling that way. so conflicted. money never meant so much to me. why was i worried.. was i overspending? was i depending on it too much? 

but now i just feel stupid i hadnt listened.. i do that all the damn time. i get a sense of something before it happens and i ignore it. im.. worst at listening to myself than my actual financial responsibilities.

i felt that stupidity every time i stopped at a gas station on the way back to my apartment from LA. The act of taking out cash and walking away from the pump inside to let the guy behind the counter authorize the transaction for me.. I only stopped twice.. the second place i stopped at, i convinced myself to stop simply cos i knew the place well and it would be the quickest stop id make on my trip. i kept second guessing my route back home solely as to whether id be making the right choice to go there.

it was at this gas station that a kid came up to me, mask no where on his face, but swearing he wasnt homeless.. just a lil scared. he needed gas to get home but his card was declined. asked me if i had any cash or if i could cash app him some money, just enough to get home.

I hesitated, thinking in the back of my mind if i was going to be alright to give him anything. i had no cards, no more cash than what i had to get home, and i still needed a covid test to get to, where i was unsure if id had to pay for it out of pocket. told him “Sorry, i dont have an iphone” and hes like “shit.. can i please ask you to pay for at least five dollars, you can stand by the pump-!”

“sorry, i lost my debit cards.. haha”

“oh shiiit.. hahaha..”

“yeah.. but i do have a bit of cash my dude. let me get it for you”

“Oh shit, really?? thank you so much!”

This kid, obviously young, a teenager, looked so relieved. cos the more i said something unhelpful, the more panicked he started to look. and i was gut punched by it. i was this kid, worried about his next paycheck, wondering why i was so bad at money, why i couldnt be responsible.

and im not trying to say that was his deal today, his card could have declined for any real reason. but i was that panicked once. its stupid to feel that way over something so.. fucking stupid. something that rules over everyone a little too much.. when we should really not be worried about our next meal, or when our next job will come. i handed him the cash, booked my covid test and booked it out of there. all so “i could eat tomorrow”

i use money to make things just a lil easier. i dont try too hard to be irresponsible. but definetly dont make myself too responsible either. its just habit otherwise, which could be the only thing keeping me afloat. but there is another lesson im missing too.. maybe still not money related. or if it is.. i clearly dont have the answer for it yet.

still learning that one