#once gender is a doing not a being it does not matter a single ounce what i “am” as long as what i “do” with gender makes me comfortable.

[wambsgender]

.

[nishimochas]

❁﹝ 22:41 ‣ ˢˡᵒʷ ᵈᵃⁿᶜᶦⁿᵍ ᶦⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵈᵃʳᵏ ﹞

‣ gender neutral trainee!reader with trainee!heeseung. inspired by joji's song of the same title.

‣ tw: some slight cursing, just a whole bunch of angst.

‣ word count: 1.9k

"god, i'm such an idiot."

you swore to protect yourself against his charms.

every moment you spent with lee heeseung began to slowly feel like an incredible burden. each waking memory you still hold of him had started morphing into something you hoped you'd never live to see. he was no one you should've fallen for. in his world, you were just someone who he smiles at and greets when it's convenient.

you knew you were nothing more than a friend to him. all the times you've comforted him when he was weak, all the moments you've stayed with him when he felt alone and defeated– you knew that he didn't see any of those the way you did. or rather, the way you hoped you didn't see it. he treated you like he did everyone else: he was kind, patient, caring as he'd always been. even at times where you think his eyes hold something different within them, when his hands were too close, too gentle to not mean intimacy, you'd dismiss it all the same.

that's just how he is, and you knew you were mistaken for thinking you were any special.

you told sunghoon and jay about it before, and they seemed supportive of your feelings. it seems that they, too, see the unusual tenderness the eldest has for you. but you, thinking it was all but a delusion, you paid no mind to their observations.

"how would they understand? they're just like him. they're perfect, all of them – and i'm just me."

who could blame you, though? being close friends with such a blameless human being is already a difficult feat.

but heeseung? he was nothing short of perfect, and you knew you couldn't last so long with denial.

violent sobs threatened to break loose from your tightened throat as you walked through the halls, somber fingers erasing any memory of tears still lingering atop your features. the biggest idiot, you were. a great fool to have allowed yourself to fall for him. in painful silence, you continued your way down the dreadful atmosphere of the practice halls.

the silence didn't last for long. there were footsteps, hushed yet languid.

and suddenly– music.

melancholic, powerful, raw. it was coming from the third isle.

with brows raised in query you approached, half hopeful and half hating the fact that it could very much be the one person you so wished to not see at the moment. still, your curiousity led you to the glass doors of the dance room, your witless bravery encouraging you to look further.

and to nobody's glorious surprise, there he was. he always looked perfect, but it took your breath away each time just the same.

holding a still and quiet breath had never felt like such a taxing job until that moment. you could barely move from your cramped position, let alone watch him properly in the dim lit room. a part of you was screaming, furious that you'd still let yourself indulge in such a luxury despite the aching you'd already gotten yourself into. but a bigger part was paralyzed. a bigger part fought– it wanted to do nothing more than to stay and be mesmerized.

you've forgotten how agonizing it was to watch heeseung move the way he does when he's vulnerable. it was as if every inch in his body sang along to the melody of the song, each telling their own parts of his tragic tale.

oh, how you loved how he danced when you were the only one watching. he hit every beat with such precision and delicacy that you couldn't help but stare every time you spectate. he always manages to catch you off guard, every single time.

you spent the rest of the few moments as a faraway audience, watching through a small sliver of the glass door from where you hoped he didn't see you. but just as quickly, that thought wavered off and you're caught in shock as your gaze met his through the mirror, and you could've sworn his eyes glowed when he saw you. no, it couldn't be– it was impossible. maybe you we're just making it all up in your head. and maybe your dismay was just as evident as you thought you'd confirmed it, the heartbeat's worth of crossing glances broken apart as the next verse of the song played.

how pathetic of you, really– to think that someone like him would look forward to seeing you. you were a nobody compared to him, and maybe things were meant to stay that way. but then, just as you were about to turn away, his eyes meet yours once more for a few beats before moving away again. it was tantalizing, how such a small thing was capable of luring you in. it was as if he's saying, 'stay. watch me. i know you're here.'

it would be a lie if you said you didn't want to keep on watching.

the thundering in your chest only doubled as he did it again for the third time, now nearing the end of the song. his porcelain skin glistened as the light reflected upon it, and you felt something within you wrench upon the sight.

there was no denying it anymore. you were in love with lee heeseung, and there was no changing it.

the thought settled into you bitterly, but somewhere along the lines lied hope also.

the atmosphere shook with quiet breathing as the song met it's end, his gaze not leaving the floor beneath him. tearing your own eyes away from his figure, you began to stand up; it was time for you to go. and just as you started walking, you heard that painstakingly familiar voice piercing through again.

"wait," god, you could recognize that voice from miles away.

"stay."

your tracks were brought to an abrupt halt, not yet finding the nerve to turn around and face him. heeseung made it clear in his tone that he was talking to you, but your tremendous idiocy decided to state the obvious nonetheless.

"...me?" you both knew the answer. a few seconds of silence, then a sigh from behind you. those seconds felt like forever.

"look at me." you hated hearing those words, hated having to follow them even more. but you did. you turned around just as he told you to, and there he was by the door, holding it open with the weight of his shoulders. another sigh escaped his lips. you stood there, frozen, waiting for his next words.

"dance with me."

the words rang through you like a riddle; it took every ounce of restraint not to look at him like he was a lunatic. it was a simple request– yet, given how you've been dealing with your emotions, the request took such a toll on your barely comprehending mind. and, as if he understood every question that flooded your system, he went back inside the studio, gesturing you to follow has he did. despite the internal war that seized your entire body, you followed suite.

you stood near the entrance with your head hung low, wishing at that very moment for the earth to open up and swallow you whole. your fingers twiddled with each other in an awkward tangle as you waited for him to speak again. not long after, he finally did.

"remember you did a choreo with me once, the one after auditions?" of course you remembered it, you couldn't get your mind off of it since it happened.

"how could i forget? it was one of my favorite songs." your remark was met with a chuckle, and as if on cue, joji's slow dancing in the dark echoed within the confinements of the practice room. the movements came over to heeseung naturally, and you fought the instinct of it rushing through your own. he seemed to have noticed it, too. next thing you knew, your hands were in his and he's leading you to the middle.

"come on, i know you still remember the moves." he teased, a hint of a grin tugging at the corners of his lips. you couldn't help but chuckle along, shaking your head slightly in feigned embarrassment as you gave into the music and danced along with him. it still felt as intimate and forlorn as before, maybe even more so now. the small, still furious part within you wanted to tear itself apart every time your body met his touch; and as the song came to an end with you in his arms, at that moment, it seemed like the only thing that mattered.

"oh god, are you alright?" he fussed as he saw your reflection on the practice mirror. you barely noticed the tears that came flooding out, the pooling they made on the shirt that you wore. you nodded slightly, looking up to give heeseung a little half-hearted smile. without missing a beat, he wrapped his arms around you, enveloping your frame in a warm embrace. you couldn't tell what was happening, why the tears wouldn't stop, why you still feel horrible after all of it. he broke it off shortly and instead took your face into his cupped palms, tilting your head upwards so he could study your distressed visage.

still, the tears fell. no matter how much effort you'd placed into stopping them, they fell still. heeseung watched you intently, troubled and with worry lingering across his eyes. and as they kept falling still, he leaned in slowly towards where they were falling, and one by one, kissed the teardrops away.

"heeseung, i dont understand..."

"i heard what you said to sunghoon and jay. i was in the other room. i didn't mean to eavesdrop but i thought i heard your voice and... well, yeah."

your felt your heart drop into your stomach, a dry lump now beginning to form in your throat. the last thing you'd have wanted at that moment was for heeseung to know, but as it turns out, it seemed as if your worst fear has manifested in from of you.

you had no other choice now.

you shook your head as you mused a broken laugh, the next few words that came out of your mouth more poisonous to you than it was to him.

"i love you." you shrugged, half expecting him to turn away right as you said those words. "i guess there's no point in denying that now."

heeseung's breath started becoming uneven as his grip around you loosened, and you could almost see you the words as they started to unfold within his frenzied mind. he shook it off with a rather harsh jolt, and you took it as your cue to start leaving. you dismissed it, too, and began stepping away from his hold. it hurt as much as you expected it to.

"i know it's the stupidest thing, god i swear im so sorry, i really didn't mean–"

...oh.

you had no idea how it happened, why he thought of it or what made him do it but a small voice within you told you to savor it, so you did. his lips pressed against yours with a dulcet warmth and you wanted more, more more– you gave him everything at that moment, and he gladly gave you just as much, too. he tasted so sweet and so addicting, better than anything you could've possibly hoped for. and as your own tiers finally parted from his, saturated with the desperate need for air, the ghost of the words you thought you'd never hear from him urged out as he whispered;

"i love you, too. i have since the start."

❁ :: did i really need to hurt myself that much? no. but life isn't fair, janet, now repeat after me: giVE ME REASONS WE SHOULD BE COMPLETE–

[emerald-amidst-gold]

A Wolf and His Dragon

Now, I know this is a bit sloppy and not very fleshed out, but the idea was inserted, and I had to spit it out before it left me! Maybe I’ll come back and tweak a few bits, but have some Dragon!Fane everyone! As well as a Solas who knows how to laugh without feeling guilty! 

@oxygenforthewicked You asked, you received~

*****

One did not merely lose a dragon. Dragons, for one, were as gigantic as the domains they inhabited. Mountains, plains, the more abandoned spires in the far reaches of Elvhenan; they were all the adequate size to house a hoard of majestic creatures larger than life itself. Obviously, the numbers had drastically dwindled, much to Solas’s anger and dismay, but there was still a chance to correct it, as well as, free his own people from their own contract of slavery. However, he could not do that when he seemingly could not find one of the last rarest dragons, who flew in the clear sky without a shred of fear or shame of being collared. 

Solas had lost a dragon. 

He had lost Aterian. 

Solas let out a frustrated sigh as he stopped in his gait within one of the deeper forests just outside of Arlathan, lifting a hand to slowly rub at his face in exasperation. 

“Fenhedis, Aterian. Where are you?”, Solas growled out to himself, throwing his hand down to slowly swivel his head back and forth. “He is not one to wander off without a reason.”

Solas knew Aterian enjoyed bouts of solitude, the Evanuris sparking the flames of rage and bloodlust within a snowy heart long used to seeing his kin broken. He would not deny the snowy dragon his time alone, or freedom, for that matter. He was not Aterian’s master; he was his friend. However, these moments of sudden disappearances did cause him to panic somewhat, so worried that one of the Evanuris had cemented it within their minds that they would attempt to tame the fiery dragon, even as Solas had warned, threateningly warned, that if any one them were to touch or use an ounce of magic upon Aterian, they would not be spared retribution. He still felt a bristling of indignation when Elgar’nan had flagrantly scoffed at his protectiveness.

“Are you certain you are not its master, Fen’harel? You certainly act like one. All its needs is a collar about its neck, and the package is complete.”, Elgar’nan had commented upon a moment Solas had been merely speaking to Aterian. 

Solas remembered the fiery gold that had swam within Aterian’s vision at that accusation before he had had to intervene. As much as he, too, had been furious for such idiocy, it wouldn’t have done for either of them to lash out. Not yet.

“As I have stated multiple times, I am not his master.”, he had enunciated the gender of Aterian with a hiss. “He is free to come and go as he pleases. As any being should. Have I not made this point before, or shall I go on about the importance of free thought and power of choice once again?”, he had challenged the elder of them, all the while having to pat the underside of Aterian’s maw to keep him back.

Elgar’nan had merely sneered in disgust before turning away from him and Aterian. “Save your breath, but do be careful the beast does not snap your head off when it finally turns. Mythal would be heartbroken. So much so, that she may finally move against your pet.”, the threatening words having been the last as Elgar’nan had stormed away. 

Solas felt his jaw lock up at the memory before letting out a deep breath through his nose. 

“Calm. Calm. No matter their words, retribution will come soon enough for all their transgressions. I simply must have patience, and hope that my words will reach them in some form before something tragic transpires.”, he urged himself quietly before looking around the thick forest once more. “However, that is not what is important right now.”

Yes--his misgivings over his fellow Elvhen could wait. For now, he had a dragon to locate, albeit soon before panic truly set in. But where would he start to search further? He had already tried every other area around the main city, and he had come up empty handed. Perhaps--

“Grr..”

Solas’s head snapped to the right as he heard a distinct, familiar growl rumble from beyond a group of trees. He felt the cool feeling of relief wash over him as he saw the end of a snowy, ebony tipped tail swaying back and forth, occasionally whipping sharply before another growl would sound. 

“Aterian..”, Solas sighed out in further relief, smiling warmly before it turned into a curious smirk as another sharp whip of a serpentine tail stirred the foliage around it. What was his dear dragon up to? 

Solas only let his smirk spread as he slowly began to step over bits of twigs and dried leaves, not wishing to garner the occupied dragon’s attention just yet. He was a tad curious as to what Aterian was so transfixed with that it was eliciting somewhat frustrated growls and defeated huffs, but that was all the more reason to be stealthy. It wasn’t very often he could catch the usually observant dragon off guard, after all. 

As Solas sneaked closer, he carefully shifted around Aterian’s whipping tail to gracefully scale a small boulder. He gingerly set himself down to sit upon its cool surface, resting his chin a hand as he finally could see the elegant face of ebony, ice, and white that was currently nuzzling at the ground like a hound. Solas let his amused smirk turn into a fond smile, eyes narrowing slightly with warmth as he watched emerald and gold ebb and flow like liquid from its searching movements. 

He is truly a beautiful soul. To think that such atrocities are committed to his kin because of ignorance; it is sickening. Solas thought with a slight grimace before his eyes picked up a gently floating wisp making its way to where Aterian’s massive head was still running along the grassy ground. 

The closer the wisp got the more Solas could see it was..holding something? He squinted a bit, trying to make out what was floating in front of the gentle nebulous form until he felt a harsh gust of air nearly dislodge him from where he was seated. As if on instinct, Solas threw up a barrier to weather the rest of the windy storm before it died down as quickly as it had spurred. When he next looked up, he saw that Aterian had lifted his head to the presence of the wisp, emerald eyes glinting beautifully as an emotion like approval shone within them. 

“Hmph.”, Aterian let out a pleased huff, his mouth opening to gingerly take the wisp’s belonging, which it gave without any fuss before it began to float away with a methodical purpose in the direction it came. 

Solas let out an amused sigh before he couldn’t help a soft laugh from escaping. It would seem his mighty dragon had employed the help of a wisp for something. That was..fascinatingly adorable. 

“Aterian..”, Solas finally addressed the pleased dragon, watching as satisfaction shifted to shocked emerald as Aterian snapped his serpentine head to where he was. “..If I may ask, what are you doing?”, he asked with a warm smile as wide, draconic eyes stared down at him in further shock. 

Aterian’s shock soon shifted to a form of sheepishness as emerald morphed into pale gold, the harshly whipping tail from before seemingly grabbing a hold of something on the ground before it slicked back slowly to a hind leg. Solas hummed, his smile only widening as he realized his friend was hiding something. Now that was interesting, as well.

“What? Am I not allowed to see what it was that you were working so diligently on? Considering you rallied a wisp to your cause, it must be very important.”, Solas teased, lazily pointing in the direction that wisp had gone.

Solas saw Aterian’s eyes go blank at that, reminiscent of when one’s face would go deadpan. He smirked more at that. As much as he knew the dragon didn’t like his teasing, there was still enough of a glint of gold that told Solas that he actually did. There was much one could learn from gazing into a dragon’s two toned gaze. Aterian had taught him that without a single word. Their bond was special, and he cherished it as one would cherish a fond memory; closely. It had obviously not always been sunshine and bells, but that is what had made it as strong as it was now. 

I care for you more than my heart can bear at times. You have a bright spirit. Brighter than most Elvhen. Solas thought with a slightly sad smile before he translated that sorrow to a sigh. I wish I could do more for you, ma’isenatha. You and your kin, but I am only one man. However, I will do as much as I can with the power I do have. I vow to you. He thought with more determination before the sudden sight of large golden emerald eyes nearly inches from his own had him staggering back in shock, actually falling from the boulder this time to land plummet to the ground below. 

Solas began to draw in magical energy to erect a barrier, but he felt his descent suddenly halt as he felt something..tugging on the material of his clothing. His brows furrowed in confusion until he looked down, seeing that his feet were hovering just a few feet from the ground. This..did not feel like magic.

Before Solas could openly voice his confusion a soft, but annoyed huff of air rushed against his back, making him shiver from the chill it housed. He blinked a few times as he felt dampness soak into his clothes before letting out an airy laugh, realizing what was going on. 

“Ma’isenatha.”, Solas said around a chuckle, turning his head upwards to see emerald eyes glaring down at him, but they held a glimmer of warmth within the amber tones. “You do understand I was in no danger, yes?”, he asked with a soft smile. 

He watched as Aterian’s annoyance shifted to soft sheepishness as the dragon’s eyes shifted away slightly, a low growl escaping past the cloth before he felt himself being carefully lowered to the ground. Aterian released him as soon as his feet touched the ground, but before the dragon could turn his head away in shame, Solas reached out to delicately place a hand upon a snowy white, cool the touch snout. 

“Thank you.”, Solas said softly before shifting his own gaze to the side a bit with a gentle smile. “..For always being there when I fall.”

He heard a sharp intake of breath pass through massive lungs before the snout before him nudged into his frame gently. Solas blinked, stumbling slightly despite the gentle touch before resting his forehead against a frigid snout to stare into glimmering orbs of emerald and gold. Those eyes told him more than words ever could. They were better than any voice. They were the land and the emotions that permeated it, and he would gladly fall a thousand times if it meant he got to see those glistening pools every time strong wings caught him with their width. 

If only I could express how much you mean to me, my dragon. If only I could utter the same words that emerald and gold utter to me. If only I could be there to catch you when you fall. But I know such things will never be because I lack what you possess so wonderfully. He thought with anguish before nuzzling into Aterian’s snout, hearing a faint sad growl rumble from a mighty chest. “Shh, my dragon. I am fine. I apologize for burdening you with my emotions when your own are already so heavy.”, he whispered soothingly, hearing another sad growl come from Aterian before he heard a heavy body plop down to come closer to him. 

Solas couldn’t help but smile warmly at that despite the longing in his chest, delicately tapping Aterian’s snout with a few fingers. Yes--his dragon was adorably fascinating with the range of emotions he could display, as well as, his odd habit of acting like a puppy. However, Aterian was not a dog to him. The rare dragon was a wonderful, bright, and headstrong person, and he would not hear anyone say differently. All beings had a shred of humanity within their hearts, no matter their form, and they were capable of love, happiness, grief, anger; they were capable of it all. One simply had to understand them. Sadly, it would seem understanding was in short supply anymore.. 

“Would you like to take a nap with me?”, Solas asked, the idea popping into his head to flush out the depressing thoughts as the mixture of warmth and cold wrapped him in a comforting blanket. “There is no rush for us to go back, and I doubt our presence will be missed for a few hours. Does that sound fair to you, Aterian?”

Aterian’s eyes flared with barely contained happiness as multiple huffs and slight nods of an elegant head showed just how much that was fair to the large dragon. 

Solas let out a warm laugh. “I will take that as a ‘yes’.”, he said before shifting to position himself between Aterian’s front legs. 

Aterian lifted his head to allow Solas to in, emerald eyes watching him closely as he gently sat himself down on the ground. He leaned back to rest against a firm chest of oddly soft scales that were both cold and warm at the same time, and chuckled fondly as he felt Aterian bring his head back down to rest a bit of his head in his lap. 

He sighed contentedly before reaching a hand up to tenderly stroke at a sharp cheekbone, watching as one, visible emerald eye gazed at him with warm affection. Solas felt his chest tighten at the sight before he leaned forward to nuzzle against the dragon’s head, idly noticing how both their eyes closed upon the touch. His heart could not feel more full, but yet it did..

If only.. He thought with renewed anguish before bringing his arms up to softly hug at a strong maw, once again hearing that same sad growl resonate like a sorrowful spell. If only I could show you how much I love you. Perhaps in another world, another life, but yet, I do not wish for more than you have already given. For I fear it could be taken away from such selfishness. And so, I will keep you close, I will keep you safe, and I will accept that this is enough. For I love you, my dragon, and no matter the form, love knows no discrimination. That is my one guiding light as we walk into darkness.

Those were Solas’s final thoughts as his mind gently began to drift into slumber, all the while not feeling the soft sensation of something being placed upon his head, or the delicate fragrance of Gladiolus that wafted from above as a faint, faint echo of a voice sounded in his ears. 

If only I would allow myself to let you in further, my wolf. I am sorry. In another life, another world, I promise I will let you. I vow to find you, wherever you may be, so you will know how much I love you.

...I didn’t cry while writing this. Nope. Nuh-uh. *currently sniffling like a child* IN ANOTHER LIFE, VHENAN!

[empathic-seer]

About

Name: Sheridan Dwyer

Age: 18(TWEWY), 21(Neo-TWEWY/Post Neo)

Height: 4’9/144 cm

Gender: Female

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Questioning but identifies Bisexual

Occupation: Full-time College Student for Nursing, works part-time performing whatever jobs she can get for acting and voice acting. Keeping her eyes open for an opening at WildKat.

Biography:

I’d mostly prefer for the details to come out organically, but she lives in Shibuya to pursue Nursing school and has a tiny apartment all her own.

Her mother has suffered from chronic pain and other ailments since she was small but they’re super close, her biological father treats her like a child and tries to buy her love with money and video games and her mother’s now ex was severely emotionally and verbally abusive as well all the way until he was finally kicked out when she was 14.

Her mother has kept in some contact though she’s readying to cut him off completely and Sheridan still stiffens at the sound of his voice and can recognize him by his knock.

She’s always seen the UG, but she didn’t learn or see nearly as much as she does in Shibuya due to being from a smaller town in New York. It was mainly just Noise.

She was born at 1 pound 11 ounces and before the third trimester, leading to her nearly dying twice. According to her Mom, she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, so she wasn’t getting any nutrients. After that scare, 3 days later her oxygen levels suddenly went down to single digits, to the point a priest was called in to give last rites. Once the cross was drawn on her forehead her oxygen levels shot up and haven’t come back down since.

Sheridan assumes this is why she can see the UG, though she has no idea why she was saved and it’s something she struggles with often.

Speaking of the Game; boy is she conflicted about it. She probably shouldn’t be, but she helps any Players she can if she catches them in a reaper decal store, warning them of approaching Noise and often putting herself at risk to help them find Partners to give them a fighting chance. She’s also known for interfering more directly by taking infective Noise onto herself. She can’t take seeing others in pain and would rather deal with the ensuing negativity than have another go through it.

So yeah. Oops. As far as her conflict with the Game itself, she loves the fact people get a second chance, and even understands entry fees and their purpose to help others grow. But the erasure part...that she struggles with. It takes a big emotional toll on her and she can’t grasp why it’s necessary as she doesn’t understand the inner-workings enough.

Thoughts on the Games:

The World Ends With You:

Speaking of the Game; boy is she conflicted about it. She probably shouldn’t be, but she helps any Players she can if she catches them in a reaper decal store, warning them of approaching Noise. She’s also known for interfering more directly by taking infective Noise onto herself. She can’t take seeing others in pain and would rather deal with the ensuing negativity than have another go through it. All the better if it helps out Players on the way.

So yeah. Oops. As far as her conflict with the Game itself, she loves the fact people get a second chance, and even understands entry fees and their purpose to help others grow. But the erasure part...that she struggles with. It takes a big emotional toll on her and she can’t grasp why it’s necessary as she doesn’t understand the inner-workings enough.

She recognizes she has a lot to learn, especially being only a bystander who mainly watches from the sidelines.

At the end of the Game, nimbly avoids wearing an O pin after seeing the effects from the Game, she hides out in high Imagination areas like Udagawa, the River and WildKat to feel safer. The conformity scares her, she’s always felt different but being alone in a sea of people with the same goal...she never wants to feel so isolated again.

Neo:

As far as Shiba’s Game...she does not like the change.

The UG she’d come to expect was turned completely on its head and it’s even worse.

She understood most of Joshua’s Game. The checks and balances set in place, Reapers and Players, entry fees...all of it save the erasure.

But now the erasures have increased with one team winning nonstop and all she can do is watch in horror as it happens. So many people...Erased without a thought week after week. It’s emotional torture for her as an Empath honestly. The horror, the fear, and then just...nothing.

The shifting energy is much darker than the conformity at the end of the original and she can tell something dangerous is happening, though she can’t grasp what.

Worries over the Wicked Twisters and keeps tabs on their emotions throughout the Game since they’re so much smaller than the other groups.

To say she was shocked when both Neku and Beat were in again was an understatement. She thought they’d escaped. There’s so much she doesn’t know but she watches even more intently when she can from then on.

Feels Shoka’s struggle and wants to help the girl escape the toxic influences surrounding her and get in a better environment.

Just wants everyone to be safe and healthy and for the suffocating air to be breathable again.

Tidbits:

Has always felt drawn to Shibuya River, and WildKat Cafe. There’s a...quiet. A calmness she never gets anywhere else. Particularly in the river. It’s just herself and her own emotions for once but even they feel muted there. Darker thoughts even if present is quieter, and become white noise in the wake of the sound of the river flowing.

Tends to loiter quietly and shyly steal glances at Hanekoma and Joshua if either is in the cafe but too intimidated to actually approach. Something feels...otherworldly about them. Her intuition can tell something is powerful about them so she’s always kept her distance despite feeling a pull towards both.

That goes the same for Hazuki as well, of course.

All Higher Plane beings in her experience mute her Empathy, though she isn't sure why. It's part of why she's so on edge around them, both wanting to be near and torn on approaching.

The library is another place you’ll find her, sequestering in a lone corner far from others and likely reading some supernatural romance aloud or working on a story.

Chronic fatigue is a bad side effect that’s pretty noticeable if she’s been giving too much of herself to others and letting herself be drained. In high school, she’d come home and have to nap for an hour or 3 depending on the day just to recover from the constant negativity she took on from all her “friends”. She still finds herself in that state pretty often, though not as bad nowadays as she’s trying to learn healthy boundaries.

Personality:

Sheridan is very openhearted and kind. Often way too trusting and forgiving for her own good despite having very good intuition. She’s very quick to inquire how others are but brushes off when asked about herself and quickly redirects. She’s very comfortable when it comes to taking care of others since she had a sick mom to take care of all throughout childhood. It’s instinct for her to see if anyone needs anything and she’s ended up flustered many a time by accidentally asking “are you ok?” or “do you need anything?” since if she drifts off or gets bored it’ll pop out sometimes after living with her mom for so long.

She’s also an Empath, meaning she feels what others do and experiences their emotions as her own. She tends to have her guard up a little, she doesn't want to accidentally get too much of someone unless they're ready to give it, but she also doesn't want to leave someone in crisis. She...has a bad habit of attracting people who use her as an emotion dumping ground and letting them stay way too long.

Sheridan feels like her whole purpose is to help others. Like it's all she's good for. She's really struggling to learn that selfish isn't a dirty word and that she's allowed to want things too and to get upset and that what she says is worth listening to.

Easy to think about, but hard to put into practice. She's learned when people ignore her or especially talk over her to quiet down. 'Clearly they just really need to talk right? I didn't have anything important to add anyway." Or so her thought process typically goes.

She tends to be shy at first but if given positive reinforcement and encouragement she’ll slowly warm up. She does best in intimate, small groups.

Seems like she doesn’t have a sense of humor but is actually pretty funny now and then. She just has to feel comfortable enough to crack jokes in the first place.

People tend to look at her in shock if she curses since when she’s first meeting people and in the warming up phase, she seems very polite, kind, and innocent to a fault.

Easily flustered, especially by teasing. Any person she’s even a little bit attracted to she’ll likely be at least a little pink, fidgety and sheepish. It doesn’t take much either. Corner her, pin her, or even just direct eye contact could be enough to make her go red. She’s hopeless in that regard since she’s very inexperienced.

Severely touch starved but way too scared of rejection to initiate or confess as much so she just kinda suffers in silence.

An easy crier. Cries at the drop of a hat. Even when angry, she cries because no matter what she’s hurting to be angry at all given it’s typically very rare for her to begin with. Feeling what everyone around her does has led to her being a every emotional person in her own right.

Hobbies:

Enjoys acting and performing more than anything, even though she’s yet to be cast as a lead or anything major except in her theatre final, where she got to play Doris from Fame. One of her favorite roles. She loved participating in high school at her musical theatre program and did stage crew all the way up to 11th grade when she finally made it in and got to be in first the ensemble and then lead ensemble the following year. She often gets typecast as the “cute one” or child roles thanks to being 4’9 and being very accommodating and kind.

Somewhat hand in hand with acting and performing, but singing. Gets stage fright occasionally but is able to push through it.

Reading body language is something else she finds very fun, but she never voices it without explicit consent. She likes to people-watch in Shibuya and guess their lives inwardly to keep herself fresh.

Plays video games very often, especially RPGs as well as reading to escape her troubles. It’s a great way to combat loneliness and also not think for a while, to lose herself in another world.

Writes as well, to vent her negative thoughts. Typically through a fanfiction blog for x reader fandom and kpop content in 2nd person. A bit shy about voicing it though. Has original ideas and has started a book but trying to build her own world and the magic system has proven a bit difficult.

Reading supernatural romance novels. Her favorite genre since the worlds and characters are typically very immersive and serve as great escape potential. Loves to find a corner, make sure she's completely alone, and voice act the characters as she reads. Y'know, like a nerd.

Likes to bake, especially different types of cookies. It’s a great stress reliever. She has several video game recipes she wants to try to learn though. Particularly the butterscotch cinnamon pie from Undertale and sea-salt ice cream from Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days.

Binging guilty pleasure shows. Loves laughing at trashy reverse harems with friends like Diabolik Lovers to both appreciate the hotness of the designs and voice acting and also how awful the characters are as people. Doesn’t mind thirsting over toxic vampires, but obviously only in fiction.

Anxiety:

Mental Health: Not great, though most likely wouldn't guess so. She'd much rather help others, see what they need than have them focus on her. She's very much not used to that and doesn't know how to react.

(Important Note! Please do NOT feel pressured to include anything below in our rp and if you ever need a specific thing added as a trigger tag do let me know! My Trigger tag format is Trigger; ______ if you need to block any! I'm open to it of course, given I included them in my form I just want to make sure everyone I roleplay with has the tools to tailor the experience to them and feel secure.

If I want to start a thread or anything about the issues below I will likely message the Mun in advance first for permission first unless they've stated they're explicitly fine with such content and apologies in advance if I'm awkward when reaching out.)

She tends to have panic attacks thanks to severe arachnophobia and it can take her a solid hour to work up the courage to try and kill one, typically while she's crying and whimpering to herself to "breathe Sheridan, that's it breathe…"

She tends to get bouts of social anxiety. When she's acting it's fine because she's not her, and the same for if she's in an intimate group.

But especially if someone starts yelling at her? She'll likely freeze and then look to run away before the person sees her crying. She can't stop shaking and can barely breathe. It's awful and a huge trigger for her. Even if it's not directed at her she'll still panic.

Also suffers from driver’s anxiety. Still only has her permit since she hasn’t found anyone who can put her at ease enough and that she wouldn’t be embarrassed to break down with.

Asperger's Syndrome/Autism Spectrum Disorder:

High functioning but a big person to hyper-fixate and jump from one fixation to another especially when in a bad headspace. Can become obsessed and may need to be gently pulled back/ forced outside.

Stims, mainly physically. Squirms before sleep mainly because her brain won't shut off.

Soft/smooth stims are her favorite anxiety soothers.

Has a rainbow bear with purple eyes she's had since childhood that is a stim she uses to calm from panic.

Clutches her necklace; an Undertale plaque that reads in white text '*a determined soul' and has the rainbow SOUL hearts above it. Uses it as a source of strength.

Bounces her leg when she can but has mainly learned to force herself to stop.

Only does this one when not around her mom since both share the same stim and her Mom said it made her nauseous.

Depression:

Frequent intrusive negative thought spirals and suicidal ideation. Thoughts of self-harm, in a similar vein, though she’d never act on it.

Unfortunately, knowing they’re irrational doesn’t stop the thoughts from happening way too often for her liking.

Her becoming overwhelmed by her emotions and breaking down for 3 hours is commonplace, as is her ghosting for way too long. A bad habit because she doesn't want to burden anyone when she’s not even able to be there for them.

Basically, if she isn’t serving others she feels she shouldn’t exist at all but she’s trying to understand she has worth all on her own.

Eating Issues:

Body dysmorphia with her weight. She tends to not eat often and even if urged she hates that she has to force herself and typically puts herself down which can lead to a spiral if she’s not careful.

Sometimes she's fine. But even when "fine" she'll typically have something small like a muffin, and a 1/4 of dinner and that's all she'll eat.

She snacks because she doesn't have to think when she eats it if she's distracted. Things like popcorn, pocky, or pretzels are her go-to's.

Kind of wants someone to be able to care enough to notice inwardly and maybe text her to see when and what she's last eaten but doesn't ever want to emotionally dump like others do to her because she doesn't want to be a burden or pitied.

CPTSD:

She had her first emotion flashback recently having to do with her abuser and has been shaken ever since, trying to deal with it on her own. Yelling is a trigger for her, especially when paired with degradation.

Forced "civility" as well.

There was a period while her mother was unaware of the extent of the abuse given Sheridan was still trying to protect her. Over the course of 3 years nothing but good night and good morning, passive-aggressive and snide comments of "aren't you going to say hi/bye/thank you/your welcome?" anytime she was too crippled by anxiety/fear to look at him, let alone speak was the norm.

Relationships:

None yet! Just let me know if anyone wants to be added and I’ll happily do so! <3

[moonlightwinterdxxix]

Your first Bits of my Brothers (acronym BomB?) anon here again! Could I request a pretending to be each other Zaimoku at Sutabaa or something? There's just not enough canon Zaimoku and sextuplets identity thief shenanigans in the anime! Maybe Totty is trying to get work there again but gotten sick or something and Karamatsu decided his beloved brother can't miss out on his chance to return~✨. Whether or not it'll end in brotherly fluff or Totty & Karamatsu butt monkey angst is your choice! xD

Hello again! I hope you like this one! It’s at 7K words and I didn’t want it to be longer than it already was 😅😅. Zaimoku is one of my favorite combinations (as I’ve kinda made clear in TVV), and I hope you enjoy this little drabble I’ve made of them. 💙💖😎😘

~~~

Whenever Todomatsu Matsuno was sick, he was more than just manipulative. He was manipulative enough to be entitled as the king of manipulation, besting Ichimatsu’s cruel authority might he be the only one in a safe spot outside feverish sensations and phlegm wanting release. No, Todomatsu treated all of them like butlers and castle servants, taking advantage of his vulnerable position to get them to do his bidding and bless him with their feeble-but-ultimately-needed-to-succeed attempts.

The common instance always left the rest of his brothers with a single prayer in mind: that Todomatsu never got sick. They vowed, each and every one of them, to move mountains for hell if it meant they were to be released from the shackles of Todomatsu’s superiority. But no matter the prayers sometimes getting sick was inevitable, and each time at least one of them would be willing to gamble his life off in the Pachinko parlor if it meant escaping Todomatsu’s ruthless jurisdiction.

And Todomatsu was always proud of it.

But today, he wasn’t. He was far from happy, very distant from it in fact. For when Karamatsu had returned from the shop with a can of warm soup, he had opened their shared bedroom door to find Todomatsu curled up and bawling on the futon. The call of ‘I am back with refreshments for your unwell soul, my star of hope!’ was transformed differently in a mighty scale as Karamatsu dropped the soup bag and raced to his brother’s side with a skipping, worrisome heart.

“Totty! What’s wrong, my brother?” Karamatsu asked, placing his hands on Todomatsu’s shoulder with all the gentleness his muscles could allow. “Are you feeling cold? Or warm? Oh, please speak with me through your unfortunate misery, my dear littlest brother!”

“Shut up! I...Cod, why does it have to be you? Cod, why does it have to be you?!” Todomatsu crumbled entirely, giving in to the cries that racked his body as he tucked his face off in the crook of his arms. “Where are the others?” he asked hopefully, his sore voice muffled with the fortress of cloth acting as transparent muteness.

“Ah, yes, about that.” The thing was, the rest of their brothers had surrendered. They’ve yielded into irresponsibility, wanting no relevance whatsoever with Todomatsu’s cruel behavior for this specific occasion.

Osomatsu had decided to spend his entire day at the races, regardless of a win or a lose. Choromatsu had resorted to paying a visit to the all-week international book fair at the end of the city, hoping to find something new out of his pathetic excuse in being alive. Jyushimatsu chose to spend all of his allowance on the zoo, specifically on dolphin shows to satisfy his mammal cravings. And Ichimatsu...Er...Well...

“I’m gonna jump off a cliff,” Ichimatsu deadpanned.

“Nooo~ Please contain your dark tendencies, my dear Ichimatsu!” Karamatsu wailed.

Then Ichimatsu had strangled him for a bit before leaving the house.

“Forget I asked. It’s hopeless anyway.” Todomatsu smacked his face into his pillow and sobbed openly, gripping his pillow with the force of a hundred rakes on the dirt.

Karamatsu let an apologetic breath leave his lungs, before blinking in confusion at the phone propped face-first next to his brother’s space. As Todomatsu resumed his dramatic storm, Karamatsu picked it up and swiped the screen with his two fingers, the password an easy input, before his pupils scanned through the message and his eyes went spherical.

“Todomatsu! You were supposed to have a Sutabaa job interview this afternoon?!”

“Don’t rub it in! Shut up!” Todomatsu yelled, carrying his body’s weight with his elbows and sending Karamatsu a glare that would’ve been knife-sharp piercing might it not be for his scarily flushed face and red-rimmed, teary eyes. “And yes, I was, if you really wanted to know. It was supposed to be a short one, maybe five minutes at most, but as if I can do that with this stupid fever crap, obviously.” His face crumpled, and he toppled back onto the futon. “Just leave me alone in my own problems, niisan. You’re gonna make it a thousand times worse.”

Karamatsu continued to stare at the text on the screen, scrolling upwards and back-reading. “Oh, my Todomatsu,” he sympathized. “I should’ve known that there was more information you had refused to share. And this has been...two months in the ready?”

“Karamatsu-niisan! Quit it!” Todomatsu pleaded. “I didn’t ask to get sick today, okay?! But how am I supposed to tell Aida that I wouldn’t be able to attend?! Cod, I can’t just say it to her face like that! It’s a huge blow to my pride and I...!” He whimpered, dropping to the futon with watery defeat. “Please, just...I can’t tell her. It’s too embarrassing. Can you call her up for me and tell her that I...? Bullhooey! No, I can’t have you of all people talk to her either!”

Todomatsu continued to break down on the futon, and Karamatsu tried his best to shush his brother to the best of his extent. But it made itself clear to him that there was no way to calm him down at this point, or at least calm him down enough that he was going to stop feeling so sad.

After all, the status of Todomatsu wasn’t difficult for Karamatsu to understand, along with the personality and character that came with it. He had made actual friends at Sutabaa, both being of the opposite gender—two pretty girls with kind personalities and proper standards—a miracle remaining unaccomplished by the five other roaches of their household. And for that alone, Todomatsu was in a position in life maybe more heavenly than heaven itself.

Yet of course, naturally...

Nothing lasts forever, is what Todomatsu had to learn next. Well, it would’ve, but when you had five older brothers who were careless, unreliable pieces of crap, then any ounce of happiness might as well be a disregarded atom of dust from a distant dream. For a few months, even lasting until effing Christmas, Todomatsu had lost communication with the girls because of his brothers’ lack of sensitivity. They had publicly made him strip naked in the mixer, dressed him with a pair of banana earrings and stained underwear, and made him strike a pose at the head of the table in front of a set of pretty girls who deserved better after a dance.

So Todomatsu’s hatred towards them was justifiable.

On the other hand, he shouldn’t have lied as well. To be a person once acquainted in one of Japan’s best schools wasn’t something that would up his ratings with females if it were far from the truth. Heck, he was a literal baby during their third year of high school, crying over spilt milk and reporting himself to the police as a lost child when Choromatsu had to take a trip to throw something in the closest garbage bin.

Truth hurt, yes. But it was unstoppable.

But...Todomatsu was right about one thing. Lying did make himself gain more respect, and saved him from a closed spot that would’ve dropped his person into oblivion. It didn’t last long, but...

Sometimes it didn’t have to.

“Aha! Todomatsu, an idea has been brought forth!” Karamatsu announced, straightening his posture with a finger raised theatrically towards their ceiling.

Todomatsu squinted at him. “Nope. I don’t wanna hear it,” he decided.

Karamatsu’s broad facade faltered. “Eh?”

“That’s a recipe for disaster,” Todomatsu explained, a normal tone bringing forward how awful his voice was. It was scratchy and wiped-out, more huffs in it than actual syllables forming his words. “Every time one of my brothers says something, all that happens after that is me wishing I crashed and burned on the spot. It never changes. And with you specifically trying to subside my torture, I think I’d rather let myself die on the spot than let my ear-drums break at your first sentence.”

Ouch. Karamatsu said, “Oh, you are too early to judge, my Todomatsu!” He laughed, emphasizing his breaths in order to mask his apparent hurt. “Please. Allow access first to the plan concocted in my mind. I assure you, you might eat your words once it is laid out for you. Your misery would at once be hurled into the distance, to become nothing more than a star that glinted before joining with its fallen brethren. Heh.” He tapped a finger-gun to his chin smugly.

Expression contorted in absolute disgust, Todomatsu recoiled. “If you tell me what it is, would you please stop talking in that stupid as hell fanfaronade?”

“It would be my pleasure.” He fluttered his dazzling, anime eyes.

Todomatsu made a hurling noise, slamming his fist against his chest before he deadpanned, “Just say it.”

“Hm. Todomatsu.” Karamatsu began twirling around in swooshing motions, swaying his arms in a slow, whipping circle before posing in a fabulous, dazzling stance. “I shall impersonate you and attend the job interview in your shoes!” he declared.

Todomatsu’s sanity dropped. “EEEHHH??!!”

Without warning, Todomatsu snapped up and grabbed Karamatsu by the neckline of his hoodie, shaking him without a pixel of mercy. “Are you effing kidding me, you piece of crap?! There’s no way in heaven nor hell I’m letting you do that! Are you literally waiting for me to die?! Heck, you’re even stupider than I’ve ever imagined—I’ve been too kind to misjudge you, Karamatsu-niisan! Because you’re so much worse and that idea is absolute garbage!”

“A-Ah! Totty, don’t yell too much with your sore throat!” Karamatsu stuttered out, smiling nervously. “Totty, it’s gonna work. I’m sure of it.”

“As if!” Todomatsu retorted, ignoring Karamatsu’s previous suggestion completely. “You’re gonna go out there making me look like an idiot! I’ve lost friends because of you and the others, and when I might be bouncing back you have to idle up to me all, ‘I’m gonna impersonate you and ruin your life more’—BULL!” He shoved Karamatsu down onto the futon. “What do you think of me—a fool?! You may be an actor during elementary but you’re out of your gosh-darn mind if you think you’re going to do good playing me!”

“How hard could it be?” Karamatsu asked, crawling a few spaces backwards with slight terror. “You have a simple personality, my brother! You have a phone, you can converse rather easily, and you have a light voice that makes you all nice and cute!”

Changing the rules of flavoring, Todomatsu’s grin was incredibly bitter. “You really have the guts to compliment me like that, don’t you? Forget it. Not gonna happen.”

“C’mon, Totty, give me a shot!” Karamatsu argued. “You said it yourself! I’m an actor, and with the hundreds of times we’ve spent together since childhood it won’t be hard to capture your essence! Give me a chance.”

“I don’t believe it,” Todomatsu said, rolling his eyes. “The childhood thing is a good excuse, but it won’t make the cut. Literally everyone in Sutabaa knows who I am, and like hell I’m letting someone like you of all people try to use some gosh-darn trickery on them. I’m not going to let you go out there pretending to be me, niisan. And that’s final.”

“But if you don’t get the job then you won’t be happy!” Karamatsu shouted, placing his hands on his hips. “Todomatsu, I want to be able to assist you as well. It’s what we do when we’re sick, isn’t it? We take care of each other? This is part of the treatment—it’s even better because we’re all identical brothers! Give me a chance. I promise I won’t humiliate you, or do something stupid. I’ll imitate you to the best of my abilities, change nothing from your usual self and keep your relationships as stagnant as you want them.”

“That doesn’t sound reassuring,” Todomatsu said, but he was contemplating.

“It doesn’t sound it, okay,” Karamatsu stated, “but I mean it. I really do want to lessen your stress over the matter. I’ll work to my skeleton if it means doing well in that job interview, Todomatsu. I swear, and Akatsuka-Sensei knows I do. Just...trust me, brother.”

Todomatsu narrowed his eyes, but his eyebrows didn’t follow. They shaped his expression over to consideration other than irritation, his body relaxing from its sitting position on their shared bed.

Finally, he said, “How about we make a deal? Since you’re the only one who stayed to help me with my fever—and I have to say that I appreciate that—how about if you do a good job getting me my old job back, I could be your servant the next time you get sick? I’ll suck up to all those painful demeanors of yours and stand it until you get better.”

“I...It’s fair, I suppose,” Karamatsu assessed.

Todomatsu’s grin was not reassuring. “Yeah? Think so? Sure, it could work out, won’t it? But if you make an absolute fool of me...!”

He stood up from the futon and marched over to their closet, pulling out his huge flamethrower and aiming its front at Karamatsu’s terrified face. “I’ll incinerate all your sequined pants and personalized tank tops until they’re nothing but ashes,” he completed viciously, grin worth jealousy from a sadist.

Karamatsu gulped, feeling uneasy with the top he was currently wearing underneath his hoodie. But he supposed it was a fair trade, with both of them receiving equal shares at each side of the bargain. And both their downs...It wasn’t worth a complain. Losing friends was just as bad as losing all of his wonderful, designed Karamatsu fashion.

Tilting his head down, Karamatsu decided. And it wasn’t even a minute before he reached out a hand and gave Todomatsu a worried smile. “I digress. I accept the terms of our deal, my dear brother Todomatsu. Turn all my clothes into smithereens might I annihilate your persona, Todomatsu. I accept thy conditions.”

“Good.” Todomatsu grabbed his hand and shook it, the resolution of their bargain firm. “This is my lifeline in your hands, Shittymatsu. Your clothes, and my lifeline. Don’t mess this up, or else.”

He wouldn’t. He hoped not.

~~~

With Sutabaa towering over him, it looked like the gateway to judgement. It was a taunting, expectant thing, half a thumbs up as it was a middle finger, and Karamatsu’s nervousness and anxiety sloshed in his stomach and burned his skin. His complexion was moist with his sweat, his hair that he had combed to perfection beginning to paste himself on his forehead, and Karamatsu rubbed it with the back of his shaky hand.

For his clothes, but more for Todomatsu’s reputation.

Shoving Todomatsu’s phone into his pocket and arranging his tie, Karamatsu let himself sigh unsteadily as he let his feet take him towards the doorway. He felt like he was dragging ten-thousand anvils behind him. But it was worth it, he decided, as long as he could finish the interview with a proper attitude and a selfless intention. This was for Todomatsu’s job, Todomatsu’s friendships, and Todomatsu’s reputation.

And his clothes.

But Cod, he hoped he would do well. He wished to say exactly what Todomatsu would say in his position, move with the accuracy of his little brother, and speak with a timbre close enough to the original that the term ‘identical’ made more sense than it had the past few years. But perhaps, he thought, as long as nobody who knew Todomatsu approached him, he would be absolutely, absolutely, without a feather of a doubt, fine.

“Totty? Is that you?”

Ah, shoot.

Karamatsu pulled up a kitty-shaped Todomatsu smile. He brightened his eyes and raised his brows from their thick, constant furrow. And as he spun his heel to face the source of the familiar voice, he tried to recap every single piece of information he knew about Aida as she came to him in her recognizable Sutabaa work uniform, her brown curls bouncing on her shoulders.

Aside from seeing Aida then while humiliating Todomatsu at work, and seeing Aida and Sachiko participate unsuccessfully at the baseball space tournament, the last thing Karamatsu remembered about her was she and Sachiko giving him dark, murderous death-stares on the bridge. That..didn’t seem like it was a good thing. Not then, and certainly not now.

He was so dead.

“Totty, there you are!” Aida said, stopping next to him. Cod, she was so pretty, no wonder Todomatsu was so upset to lose someone like her. “Are you ready for your interview? I hope you can get the job again—it was a shame you had to lose it last time. I have a hunch you’ll be able to do it now.”

“Ah-ha! Hopefully, yes! Thank you so much!” Karamatsu said, forcing his voice up from the low baritone that came with his genes. “Hello, Aida! I didn’t think you’d come from that direction!” He pointed. “I could’ve sworn you were in there.” He jabbed his thumb towards the Sutabaa entrance.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.” She giggled apologetically, and Karamatsu felt his cheeks grow warm. “I wasn’t skipping work, I promise. I just got distracted a little, but it was only for a few seconds before I saw you. I was worried! I thought you weren’t gonna come anymore! It would’ve been so embarrassing to cancel last-minute on the manager.”

His gut plummeting, Karamatsu’s laugh came out less of a laugh and more of the sound of a dying hyena. “Well, I’m here! So you don’t have to worry about that anymore! I made it, so no humiliation whatsoever!” He was tempted to pose, but held back at the right second before he could crack.

Aida eyed him dubiously. “Are you alright? Your voice sounds very...breathy.”

“It does?” It did, and it was because Karamatsu’s voice wasn’t at its quality to accommodate a pitch and speaking pattern similar to Todomatsu’s. When he tried, the result came out very breathy, or if not, very screechy and...wrong. It would’ve given away his true identity so quickly might she be an expert in discerning him and Todomatsu from their brothers. So speaking with his normal, light pitch with added cheerfulness was the only way to match closely to the original source. He thought that perhaps it would be enough.

But apparently, it wasn’t enough.

“Ah, it does!” he corrected, rubbing the back of his head with a laugh. “Sorry about that! My throat really hurt this morning and I guess this is the aftermath of that!”

Except Todomatsu’s throat really did hurt that morning, and it continued so until this point. Hence, Karamatsu being here, in his shoes.

He was almost starting to regret doing this. But keeping his brother’s sad, weeping face in mind was plentiful to glue back Karamatsu’s determination. This was for Todomatsu. He had to remember: this was for Todomatsu.

And his clothes.

“It did? Oh, I feel so bad for you,” Aida said, sounding like she meant it, but Karamatsu’s anxiety told him otherwise. Drawing the line between reality and fiction was difficult when he was living in fiction, that fiction meaning, a world where he wasn’t himself. And he wasn’t, because he was Todomatsu. And ‘Todomatsu’ was talking to Aida...

He had to gather up his Todomatsu-ness.

“Would you be able to complete your job interview with that?” Aida asked.

“Oh, I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it,” Karamatsu reassured, flipping a palm. “As long as my brain works fine, I could accomplish what needs to be accomplished. And since I have experience, I don’t think I’ll do so bad, right?” He pulled up two peace signs and waved them energetically. “It’ll all be a matter of time though before we truly see. Heh-heh! So for the time being—” he put the peace signs towards his eyes “—all it takes is a little more determination! Yeah!” He posed, but it was overly cutesy.

Her smile was somewhere between amused and petrified. “Are you sure you’re okay, Todomatsu?” she asked.

“Never been better! Why would you question it?”

“I, well...” She reached to one of her elbows, rubbing it. Dang, she was so cute. “If you had a sore throat this morning, then I wouldn’t think you’d be okay so fast. And your...Oh, I hope I’m not offending you or anything, and I hope I could say this more politely, but have your eyebrows always been that thick?”

I knew I should’ve taken Totty’s word and shaved them a little. Karamatsu laughed again, but inside, he was screaming about his soul and how it could get ripped out of his body. “I suppose—I never really mind them! I hope it doesn’t bother you or anything!”

“It’s fine, I swear.” She tilted her head, her hair hopping a little. “Are you really Totty? He’s got five lookalike brothers, and I honestly won’t be surprised if you’re one of them. Not saying you are, but your behavior is a little strange. Or is that just nervousness for the interview talking?”

“I’m just nervous! That’s all it is!” Karamatsu lied, clasping his hands not out of the hopes to make himself mimic one of his brother’s cute gestures, but so that he could grab something before he combusted from her accuracy. Shoot, how did she find out?! Keep calm, Karamatsu. You’ve got this! This is for Todomatsu’s reputation!

And his clothes.

“But I’m so touched to know you’re so concerned,” he continued lightly, waving his peace sign again. Was he overdoing it with the peace signs? The last time he impersonated someone, he had made paw gestures and moved them with a tenderness like he were an actual feline, and that wasn’t something Ichimatsu would normally do. Or, maybe it wasn’t something he would to at all. “I really wish to get the job again, so we can hang out more often! I miss the regular days before me and my brothers messed things up.”

Because, duh. Todomatsu did have to take a little blame for the incident none of them asked for.

“Uh, yeah...I miss those days too.” Aida gave him a toothy grin laced with the same uncertainty. “Anyway, we’d better get going. You have that interview and I have my work, so we’ll see each other again later after, alright?”

“Yes, sure! That would be spectacular!” He’d actually hope he didn’t see her again later, not if it meant pretending to be Todomatsu for another round of cringe-worthy torture. But if that made Aida happy, he might. As long as he got a better hang of his little masquerade, then maybe he might offer her the opportunity.

It just needed to be at the extent that he would receive no beating once the day was over.

“Great. See you later...Todomatsu.”

Crap, what was with that hesitation? No, it couldn’t be. But the way she was so casually leaving, preparing to get inside...

He had to make up for it now, or else he was to expect an entire army against him and his feeble-sighted efforts! He shouldn’t let her leave with whatever impression crept beneath that hesitant farewell! No, he wouldn’t allow that! If anyone was ever to question any person involved in this mess, then it would be Karamatsu! So no, Aida-chan! You would not walk away with a remark hanging on your lips that left judgement over Karamatsu’s hapless impersonation of their darling star of hope!

“Aida-chan!” Karamatsu called out, grabbing her wrist before she could enter completely, and bringing Todomatsu’s phone out of his pocket. “Sorry for startling you, but, would it be alright if I got a picture with you? You know, before perquisite or calamity?”

Aida shot him a look, and Karamatsu winced internally, wanting to slap himself with the force of a Titan to a mosquito. Shoot, watch your choice of words, you stupid, second eldest! Todomatsu would never speak like that—he calls it out for how painful it was! You will ruin everything if you try that again, you crap!

“Sure, I don’t mind,” Aida said, settling herself by Karamatsu’s chest, her spinal cord parallel to where his heart reverberated in his chest in a wild, twister of patterns. He had a girl leaning against his body. A girl. Was this what it felt whenever Todomatsu hung out with them? This closeness, this wonderful emotion that made him want to laugh and cry at once? It had to be. It just had to be.

Suffering from his unbridled, unexplainable joy, Karamatsu lifted the phone above their heads, his thumb sliding against the selfie option of their camera. And when the camera flipped, he saw Aida and himself on the screen, the girl raising her peace sign with a smile, waiting for Karamatsu to do the same. But he stared at himself in his reflection, reading through the curves of his features and where he was going wrong. And it saddened him, when he looked at himself with the acumen of exposure.

He looked nothing like Todomatsu.

Because unlike Todomatsu, who wore a smile because it was part of him, Karamatsu wore his so he could be him.

But he had to remember: this smile wasn’t for nothing. It was for Todomatsu too. It wasn’t a selfish desire that had brought him into this spot, this tight corner, this unpredicted catastrophe of self-humiliation. He was doing this so that Todomatsu had a better life, one he deserved, after he and the other four cowards elsewhere had ruined it.

So he smiled at the camera, and as that smile illuminated his features, a small sense of the Totty he loved as his little brother and once best friend filled his face. His spirits left their corpse-like slump on the ground. “Say cheese, Aida,” he coaxed, his voice not leaving its lightness.

“Cheese!” Aida said, getting her peace sign into a good position, and as Karamatsu did the same, he snapped their picture.

The output was cute, he had to admit. Though the way his hands were positioned had added exaggeration than what Todomatsu would normally have in a casual photo with one of Sutabaa’s infamous baristas, this was still an image convincing enough to fool an outsider who knew nothing about their miracle of six same faces. Or Iyami.

“Alright! See you later, Todomatsu. Good luck with your interview. Just take a turn to that door at the left, and I believe the manager will be waiting for you.”

“Okay, thanks, Aida! I’ll see you as well!”

With that, Aida and Karamatsu exchanged a few waves, and Aida was out of his view as she let herself in before him, vanishing with her grace behind the employees door of the shop, her figure still leaving an imprint in his retinas.

But he shook it off. Entering himself, Karamatsu followed her direction and went towards the meeting door she indicated, stopping in front of it and taking a deep breath. This was for his brother, for Todomatsu who was sick in bed and unable to come. He needed to make this right, and beyond everything else, natural. So without further stalling he was knocking twice before pushing it open hesitantly.

When it was open, he let himself in, and bowing down, he announced, “Good afternoon! My name is Todomatsu Matsuno, and I am applying for a job here!”

Who must’ve been the manager sat up, eyebrows shooting upwards under his glasses. “Ah, Matsuno-kun! You’re here! Welcome! Please, take a seat.”

He indicated to the one in front of him, and Karamatsu followed his order and sat. Inhaling, the scent of coffee saturated his lungs, and the hunger he had that didn’t even know existed let itself be known as a tremor sounded under his blue suit. But praise the gods, it was silent enough for a pass. He had to do this. Todomatsu, his lifeline depended on what Karamatsu said in this one-one-one speech. He had to approach this correctly without error. He had this. Or didn’t he?

“So, I guess we already know each other, since you’ve been here before,” the manager said, arranging a set of papers by clicking their edges against the wooden surface of the table. “But it has been long enough, so how have you been? What have you been up to?”

Okay, so he wasn’t pissed. That was good. Luckily being absent from the mixer’s horrific presentation was enough to keep his perception on the youngest Matsuno well enough that anger wasn’t a visible option for him. Case in point: visible. Any anger or rage was easy to hide behind a mask of a smile, a knife easy to assume as close by and prepared for its session of stabbing. When it came to Akatsuka Ward, knives weren’t for chopping tasty or delicious portions for any lovely course. It was for chopping distasteful NEETs like them.

Thanks, Ichimatsu.

“Ah, I’ve been very well, thank you,” Karamatsu replied, stretching the muscles that wanted to pull up a whimper into a broad, toothy smile. “It has been quite some time. How have you been?”

“Great, really. Thanks for asking.” Interlocking his fingers, the manager rested his chin on them as he straightened his gaze collateral to Karamatsu’s. “I remember that article you once mentioned about the firefighter and the maiden. Thought I forgot about that? Nah, it was too iconic for the mind to sweep away so easily, Matsuno-kun. That was how funny it was! You do still laugh about that experience, don’t you?”

Karamatsu laughed out loud, and the manager flinched at the unpredicted. “Of course! I’m laughing right now! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”

You’re messing this up, Karamatsu, you idiot! Don’t laugh like the lunatic you are! You will massacre all of the chances granted for your brother’s probable forthcoming! Quit breaking Todomatsu’s person and show the decency he would when faced with the challenge of real-time communication!

Crap, Todomatsu! You stupid lovable little pice of garbage, why oh why do you need to be the type to camouflage so many secrets from your dear older brothers?! You bring tears to this gullible fool, wanting out of your social status but resumes the struggle just for you! You are loved, little star of hope! And in love comes the infamous, one-lettered word called trust! And by hiding your soul away, you—

“Heh, a bit excessive there, Matsuno-kun,” the manager observed, the waver in his grin a strong symptom to Karamatsu’s fiasco.

“Sorry, sorry! I’m just very thrilled to be here again!” Karamatsu amended. “Please go on. I won’t interrupt you if it means the interview gets postponed.”

The manager dipped his chin, not commenting any further.

Nice. Do more of that and do less of you, Shittymatsu.

“Alright then.” The manager cleared his throat, picking up a pen from the table and clinking it against the papers. “So, I just want to tell you that there are things I would no longer ask, since information regarding your background and education was already accounted for during your first interview under the Sutabaa name. This won’t be a long interview, Matsuno-kun. Just enough for us to decide over your return or permanent departure.”

Karamatsu sweat-dropped. “Oh, sure. That’ll be fine.”

It was now or never.

“Okay then. We’ll begin now.” The manager pressed the pen’s black tip to the paper, marking it with an inky dot. “I bet you recall crystal clear how you lost your job in the first place, Matsuno-kun. How about you remind me of the situation, and follow it with what you might be able to do to repent for the trouble.”

“Eh-heh, of course, sir.” Karamatsu cleared his own throat, summoning up the memory of the situation and picturing it with Todomatsu’s young, victimized eyes.

(But with his undeniable lack of backbone to keep all senses straight and alert, he had lost control over his own, painful words. And he was so naive, so stupid, to have missed it. Darn Shittymatsu, that’s what he was)

“It all began because of the mixer. I made the mistake of abandoning my brothers because of it when Sutabaa’s special glowing girls had gifted me with their invitation. Therefore I made myself look my best in front of them, that was until your doors were opened and my kin of older brothers summoned themselves in our divine territory. They were rather disgruntled with my behavior, and all my efforts to rid them from your wonderful establishment resulted in the turning of tables. Almost literally, as I might say so myself, since we were all so caught up in Matsuno shenanigans that resulted in spilt drinks and traumatized patrons. Sad to say, the mixer was almost as unfortunate, as humiliation had produced scowls and dusted trust. Aida-san and Sachiko-san were quick to strip me of my job the day following.”

The manager nodded, a cringe in his posture at Karamatsu’s theatrical choice of words. “I see you recall the experience as if you had taken it to heart. You sounded like you were out of a stage play, Matsuno-kun.”

Karamatsu blanched, his own blunder dawning on him. “Ah, yeah! It’s an experience that makes a mark on my person!” he alibied gaily.

“And for the repenting?” the manager asked, clicking the end of his pen as he prepared a paper. “What are your plans specifically, and how could you say that those contributions of yours would better the ratings of our business?”

Karamatsu gave himself a few seconds to think. Digging deep in the vault of his memories, Karamatsu pressed on imagining anything that Todomatsu might’ve done that related closely with coffee or anything that could better the antes of the Sutabaa chain. But each option that sprouted to mind gave Karamatsu difficulty, because why won’t it, really. How was tapping on a phone screen nor running some lame puns with Osomatsu going to help in any way?

Shoot, when was the last time Todomatsu even made them coffee? The only person who had come close to trying that had been Jyushimatsu, and Ichimatsu had been confined for three days straight out of food poisoning. So really, what contribution whatsoever would Todomatsu have? Basically nothing, as Karamatsu recalled. But for this interview to work, he had to use what he knew and warp around it.

“I’m skilled in promoting, if that’s what you need,” Karamatsu improvised, Todomatsu’s smartphone in mind. “Since I was gone I had a lot of friends on social media, and I’ve discovered a lot of new ways that could help with marketing. Promotional posters, digital editing, and brochures! I can make the products of Sutabaa stand out more than they normally would!”

“Hmm, I see.” The manager wrote down, and Karamatsu’s anxieties tingled. “Are you describing this as a part-time thing to working as a cashier? Because last time, that was your main job, wasn’t it? And to be a cashier was what Aida had mentioned when she stated that you wanted to reclaim your job here. Am I right?”

“Yes, sir. One-hundred percent.” Heh, if he was wrong about that, then Todomatsu’s career was over. He wished he was right.

“But what of your cashier skills, Matsuno-kun? How much in terms of skills would you say your improvement is? When you still had the job, you were a solid employee with proper manners and the right choice of speech, making our customers feel welcome. Would you say that you graduated into someone better than then? Or are you the same, and want to focus more on marketing than counting money and taking orders this time? Because it would contradict the information on my papers.”

“Uhh...” Karamatsu tugged lightly on his collar, gulping. Save Todomatsu. Save Todomatsu. “Naturally, I’d wish to continue my status working as a cashier. But your question revolved around what more my contributions would offer when it came to the establishment. That’s why I mentioned the marketing. It was merely a suggestion around my part. But if I was to resume as a cashier entirely, then I won’t fight against it. I would be happy with whatever job you offered me.”

The manager eyed him for a bit, the tension killing Karamatsu that it made his nape sweat. The manager then nodded, sold, writing the information down. “Alright. That’s good confirmation.”

Bingo. Nice save.

“So correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like over time you have turned more adaptable than before. Would you think that’s the case for you?”

Was Todomatsu flexible? No, he was far from it. Todomatsu would never bother waiting for the shampoo at the bathhouse and snag a bottle none of them knew he ever brought with him. He was impatient when it came to his brothers, and very short-tempered when things didn’t flow like the rivers he dwelled in. So no, Todomatsu wasn’t adaptable. He was obdurate, and it was annoying.

But he was making Todomatsu look good here.

“Yes, I am,” Karamatsu lied, smile saccharine. “So if I needed my job here doubled in terms of stress or hard work, then I would be happy to oblige. Being an employee in Sutabaa really was something that I loved dearly, and to be able to comply with any requirement would make me very much grateful. That is, if you brought me back. Then I would go straight to business and work myself to my very core. That’s how much I love it here!”

Which was in fact, the truth. Todomatsu’s love for being in the Sutabaa was stronger, and could surpass any of Karamatsu’s lies by millions and billions of kilometers.

“Hmm, alright. I’ll keep that in mind.” The manager jotted down. “How about your pay? Are there any expectations for you when it comes to the income you will receive from working here?”

Karamatsu went rigid. “Pardon?”

“How much do you aspire to earn?” the manager clarified. “From your salary last time, do you expect to earn twice as much if you did multiple jobs, or are you going to be satisfied with the same amount as before? Or less? And no matter what answer, how much would it be, and what would justify it?”

Oh Cod, why. Why, why, why. Todomatsu never mentioned how much he ever earned working in this dumb establishment ever! And without experience whatsoever with this kind of stuff, how on earth was Karamatsu supposed to know?! He’d be making numbers that didn’t even exist at all on the number line! What was supposed to be the answer to this gosh-darn question if he had never even heard of these kinds of questions since the day his baby form came into reality?!

This was it. He was dead. Deader than a decayed corpse or an animal rolled over on desert roads. He was so, so dead.

“Since I was here before, I was surely satisfied enough with the pay I earned,” Karamatsu replied cautiously, “so I wouldn’t be surprised if you decided to give me the same amount. Most especially since I would—without a doubt—be receiving extra monitoring due to the impression I last left, even if the job was doubled. With that, it shouldn’t be a startle if a few of the workers were weary of me, and I’d accept that. So the money would easily follow the flow of that behavior.”

“Hm. Continue.” He was writing again.

“Not that I would get two jobs when it came to Sutabaa at all, it’s not a priority to extend the marketing. For me now, it’s just to get to work at the cashier again, to reclaim my old position. But when it comes to money—because of the establishment and name that Sutabaa has made for itself, one of the most important things I’d hope from it is honesty and a fair game when it comes to distributing my salary. No bias, but judgement based on my efforts and the way I had attracted patrons into the department. Plenty of agencies in the present are culprits of fraudulent funding, and I believe that Sutabaa follows none of that outlandish conduct. Therefore when it comes to my pay, I wish it to be the amount equivalent to what I have produced for you.”

“Which is?”

“Ah-Ah...” Dang, he was doing so well, he thought. He had no specifics in mind—what was he to say? He blubbered out, “T-The one...before...?”

The manager stared at him. Karamatsu stared back. The terrifying staring contest was getting unbearable, with a smile and the connection of eyes making Karamatsu want to just break away and crumble from insanity. He couldn’t take it anymore. He just couldn’t, he wanted to go home, to crash onto the roof and sing a soliloquy of his own pain and sorrow for the world to hear! He could bear no more of the coffee drifting in the air like a stab to the gut, a spear to the heart, a sword through the spi—

“Have you had any other jobs following the first one here, Matsuno-kun?” the manager asked, already glanced down over his papers again.

“Oh, I haven’t, sir.” There was under the Flag Corporation that one time, and that other thing when he switched with his brothers. But would those really be called jobs? Karamatsu didn’t think so.

“Okay. One more question, Matsuno-kun. What are your opinions on simplicity? Simplicity in a sense that you start small before evolving? Like, a chrysalis before it becomes a butterfly? That kind of evolution on simplicity.”

He couldn’t help it this time.

(Now, here’s the deal: Karamatsu was just plain dumb. Because any smart person would ask why a question like that was necessary at all, especially when it came to working at a cashier for a coffee shop, but this lunatic of a man went straight to standing and posing his arms like he were Romeo might he have broken his back while hunting for Juliet in a poor man’s excuse of a garage)

“The butterfly effect! Oh, how a concept like that just warms my heart!” Karamatsu extolled. “I do believe that simplicity goes in many ways! Plenty of opportunities might blossom like a rose, the sun strike it at the right moment, sending the rose into a mainstream for attention as a result of its beauty! But woe is the past, dreadful and sorrowful for what it contains, when it tears the heart and ruins the soul of its hopes and dreams! The rose, that poor rose, so bundled in its misery, to sit until its last few seconds, ready to fall into despair!

“Then the sun, that glorious sun! Oh, it was the rose’s guardian angel, sending it a spirit for life and the will to fight forward! Oh, and it would now attract all the butterflies that followed a path so similar to it’s! Yes, the simplicity of life’s evolution is a concept to be shared to all ages for the will to fight when life’s chains wish to drag you down! Yes, simplicity is a concept that as it mentions, is simple. And yes, simplicity is a perfect, perfect thing that—!”

“Alright, thank you for your time, Matsuno-kun.” The manager stood up and walked to the other side of the table, standing next to Karamatsu. His smile was anything but sweet, but an amalgamation of horrified, baffled, surprised, and furious. “We’ll send you a call if you get the job or not. Let me lead you out.”

He did, and when Karamatsu was at the other side of the door, he said, “See you then, Matsuno-kun! Have a nice day!” And he slammed the door shut.

Karamatsu stood there.

“Totty?”

Oops, that was Aida from somewhere in the shop he didn’t want to turn towards as his anxiety flopped and flipped and cartwheeled inside him. Nope, he didn’t hear her. And because he didn’t, he dashed out of the shop with speed faster than lightning and ran until the coffee establishment was nothing but a diorama behind him.

Todomatsu was going to kill him.

~~~

One week later...

“Okay, thank you.” Todomatsu lowered the receiver and returned to the main living room, expressionless, mouth a tiny line of nothing on his face.

“Hm? Who might that be, my brother?” Karamatsu asked, glancing up from his mirror.

“Sutabaa.”

Karamatsu immediately sat up with tension freezing his body to its very core. “Y-Yes? What did they say?”

“I have a job.”

Karamatsu’s heart fluttered, and he broke into a wide smile as his eyes shined with starlight. “Oh, my brother! I am so glad you managed to score a position in Sutabaa once more! Thank goodness of your good fortune, your luck be blessed by Akatsuka-Sensei himself! To return as the cashier was what you have wan—!”

“I have a job as a janitor.”

Karamatsu’s smile melted. “Ah, you...Eh?”

Todomatsu’s blank gaze swept over to him. “You turned me into a janitor.”

“I, uh...” Clearing his throat, Karamatsu put down his mirror. A thousand words wanted out for the sake of explanation, but none left him as he tried deciding if he should be apologetic or terrified. Maybe the right answer to this was that he be both. He had been the one to decide the fate of his brother after all, so if it meant feeling both of those things at once, then so be it.

Karamatsu laughed nervously. “You...You still have a job though?” he pointed out hesitantly.

Todomatsu stared down at him without anything in his eyes. “I’ll burn one of your clothes combinations,” he decided.

“A-Ah...! Oh...But would you still care for me if I was sick?” Karamatsu asked.

At first, Todomatsu didn’t say anything at all. Then putting his fingers to his mouth, Todomatsu made a dog whistle.

At first Karamatsu had no idea what that was for, when suddenly Ichimatsu leapt out of nowhere with a feral cat screech, grabbed Karamatsu’s mirror, and slammed it across Karamatsu’s face. Luckily it wasn’t strong enough for the glass to break, but it was enough to leave a burned mark on Karamatsu’s face as he reeled back onto the floor from the force of Ichimatsu’s slam.

Crashing onto the floor and clutching his cheek, Karamatsu doubled over with a yelp and a whimper, a sound of suffocation faintly stuck in his throat. Putting a hand to his cheek, there might’ve been a small wound that bled, now that he touched his face, and it hurt like...It hurt. It really, really hurt.

Karamatsu whimpered.

“I’ll fix that wound up for you, I’ll burn one of your clothes combinations. Can we be even then?” Todomatsu deadpanned, grabbing the mirror from the ‘claw’ of Ichimatsu’s hissing form, and tossed the mirror back onto the table.

“Yeah, that’ll be fine,” Karamatsu rasped.

So Todomatsu’s reputation was secured. As were his clothes.

Partly. Only partly.

[xrprainmaker]

The Significance of Being Insignificant

What is the value of one life? Do you know? Is it measured in how many people's lives we affect while we're alive, is it quantified by how much money we leave to our loved ones when we eventually all at one point or another die? Is it merely the number of loved ones we know or who knows us? Is it measured by how many likes and retweets and shares we get accumulatively on all social media platforms and when we get to the pearly gates of heaven or in some cases the rusted gates of hell going to be just yet another algorithm of the universe held over our head as either a badge of honor or Scarlett letter of failure in which even in the afterlife we will still be either praised or shunned for all the things we've either done wrong or right.. and God or the Devil Themselves will take turns choosing teams in purgatory & just like in middle school we'll either be chosen first with the "cool kids" or be picked last like the outcasts some of us already feel & we'll spend another eternity pondering the effects and affects of our decisions and thoughts and actions until we literally just become dust underneath their nails? These are the questions I ask myself in a world where killing has now become an open sport and done by people that swore an oath to protect our lives and the lives of the ones we love & the ones we don't. But for George Floyd he's life was no more meaningful for those cops that day, than the ants they probably crushed under their boots on the way to go put their knees in his throat and his head. The watched and continued draining the life from his body like a smartphone addict who just watches his or her phone drain to zero battery but is too lazy to get up and plug it into the wall. Did that police officer think he was playing a level in Grand Theft Auto? Did the surrounding policers officers who also complacently just "followed" orders and also held down & pinned him by the legs and arms and allowed this act to be committed without thought or hesitation did they also think they were "doing a good job " or were they just not thinking at all. You see you might be confused right now why I'm talking so much about the "Evil Cops" and why I'm not raving about "defund the police " or talking in a way that I have lost compassion for the cops, instead of just shooting from the hips and calling them Murderers ( which don't worry, I do believe all of them are and should go to jail, as I believe all of them are 100% guilty) . Because let's be clear - to watch and do nothing for 8 minutes straight while somebody begs and pleas " I can't breath", " I can't breath" " I can't breath" and is not putting up a fight or intoxicated or belligerent or on drugs but is just one human being begging for another human being to take notice & show compassion & acknowledge that that person is seen and heard and valued and to watch that for eight whole minutes is almost an eternity of time for those cops to have done the right thing or as Spike Lee would've said in Public Enemy " Dooo Thaaa Right Thang" and they failed, they failed with flying colors. I don't know what they got on their test scores to get into the Police Academy but to get out of it, they went out with a Bang of F's that's for sure. But I digress, the real reason I'm so interested in why NOBODY did ANYTHING even though they were in the middle of the street, broad daylight and with hundreds if not thousands of people walking by and NOT ONE, NOT A SINGLE ONE except One girl who filmed the whole thing and put it up on Youtube - tried to save this man's life or question the cops that were so nonchalantly breaking the law in plain sight, right in front of everyone's nose and the reason why it happened It's because the value of someone's life in Real life - not the after school special you watched growing up or on the multiple motivational videos you can binge-watch on Youtube or "feel good" movies on Netflix where you watch a movie with 1 black actor in it in a cast of 500 white people and pat yourself on the back because you're not a racist. Or because you don't actually call black people the N-word to their face but lowkey wonder what it would feel like if you did. Like would it be laughs and high fives like on the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" or would you get knocked the FUD out like if you were in the ring with Mike Tyson and he's biting off your ear. You see racism never went away or stopped, it just got brushed underneath the rug or the fabric of humanity we like to refer to as the "Human Existence". People like to use the word " I didn't Know" a lot in society - ever notice that - it's like the fewer fuds you give about life or the people around you the more accepted you are. Our world or simulation, whichever way you want to spin it, is built on the combined premise that showing emotion or compassion or crying is something that only "Weak" people do or a sign of weakness. But I call BS, I think that if that's the type of world you want to live in - then DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT, be walking in marches, with your fists up in the air, pretending that you have any type of allegiance with those who have lost their lives from racism or police brutality or any type of abuse for that matter where one party was "Stronger" and abused of the situation on somebody they deemed to be weak either because of gender or skin color or because they grew up on the wrong side of the tracks - Do not think that your 1 white fist in the air publically can magically erase the millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of other unknown fists that took that same symbol but in private and in the horizontal position & punched through the walls of the heads or the walls of the ribs of so many other innocent and unsuspecting lives of both young and old, white & black. That so many don't even know about and that, we'll most likely never know about because they did not have the money in their wallets or the special contacts in their phone or special certifications on their walls saying that they were somebody to be respected and thus the fight for their lives and struggle to share the truth will be buried among so many others that " lead quiet lives of desperation" as Thoreau's once said. You see what I'm getting at here is until we stop shaking our hands in frustration and anger and hatred and hostility at this police officer who did this, we will never truly understand what drives a man or men to this point of no return. Where their souls have left their bodies long before they'll ever be declared dead and how they were allowed to not just roam the streets but to rule the streets with a clad iron fist and destroy anything and everything they touched because they themselves, can no longer feel. You see this to me is the even scarier part. I'm not happy that George Floyd is dead or that he had to die this way, but in reality, if those cops hadn't killed him, how they did George Floyd would just be another African American Man that led a quiet life of mediocrity instead and now his face and his name is known all over the world and his legacy that he will leave to his family in some un-ironic, ironic way because of all of this will be of nobility and peace even though he was caught trying to buy things with fake money and that's what led the cops there, to begin with. To me, this just goes to highlight every relevant rule of life of Yin and Yang and that even in the best people there is bad and even in the badest people there is good. To me is this right or is this wrong to say, that's not up to me to decide, but it's the truth and the truth is hard to digest for many because it's not like a placebo, laced in sugar and will slowly rot your teeth and your brain. It's like a shot of Tequila either your system can handle it or it can't but either way, you'll only find out once you try. Try to see things from different angles, try to listen to a different perspective and try to understand, that no one is born 100% evil, I believe that evilness is learned and that even though the absolute last human beings on the face of the earth that you or many others would deem worthy or deserving of compassion right now or a voice or somebody to listen to them, I would say, it's that cop/cops that killed him. Why? Because as heinous as it is what they did, is that I also envision those same cops as young kids, running and playing and laughing and waiting for the weekend to play "Cops and Robbers" and how do you go from that level of innocence to this? Was it a gradual chipping away at their souls like water drop Chinese societal torture device, or did something cataclysmic in their youth or adult years happen like their father or uncle showed them how to hunt a deer when they were just 8 or or or... You see to me " an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" or in this case and many, many, many other unsolved cases- it's worth a literal pound of flesh and until we as humans and society start truly asking these hard questions, of ourselves and all other people who make up this world, we're just fooling ourselves into believing change is happening or that #BlackLivesMatter - because black lives won't matter until #ALLLivesMatter - including the lives of these horrible - soulless police. Rest In Power Mr. George Floyd

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/G_GyEL-R_Q8" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe> N.B - I've never met you but I can tell you your life even after you're gone has and will continue sending Ripples throughout the world. Martin Luther King Stood Up To Fight Bigotry - Rosa Parks sat down to fight against segregation and I'm sorry you had to roll over and die to fight against racism 15 - 20 years later - You deserved better and so does this world & hopefully one day in the future it will be considered "cool" to have & heart and show compassion - but the now jaded adult inside of me says " don't hold your breath"

[allmight-amiright]

Out. The Big Three

Request:  “Hey there! Is it alright if I request the big three reacting to their s/o coming out as a trans boy? Thanks in advance! ”

Word count: 2.1k

Warnings: None???

Notes: Wow.  This took a hot sec and I am so gosh darn sorry.  There were some things that came up with this one, but it’s whatever so. Anyway.

Togata Mirio

Mirio hadn’t been one to notice your sudden changes. It was actually Nejire who had to point it out to him. “Mirio!~  Have you been talking to Y/N? She seems a little off. She won’t wear any of the super cute clothes I gave her.”

She’d always whine and complain about the cute and prissy items that she was sure that he had yet to deliver to you.

He invited you over for lunch when it finally seemed to click to him. You had only been wearing his hoodie, which had been way too big for you. You’d also had your hair been pulled back and hidden in a beanie. At first, he thought it was because of the chilly weather. It was fairly quiet until he finally popped the question, “Babe? Is there a reason you haven’t worn any of the clothes Nejire let you borrow? I don’t mean to seem pushy but she keeps asking me.”

You almost seemed startled by the question. Maybe it was about time that you told him about your anxieties. 

“Togata?”

He looked up with a mouth full, giving you a hum in response.

“You promised me that you’d love me no matter what, yeah?” Giving a somewhat concerning look, he nodded. “Of course. Is something wrong?” You’d shuffle in your seat, all of your confidence suddenly slipping away. You took a big gulp before suddenly spitting out, “I...I don’t want to be your girlfriend…”

When you saw tears springing to his eyes, you knew that you probably said the very wrong thing. You repeated the sentence in your head and looked flustered, “No! That’s not what I meant. Oh my gosh! I mean...I’d rather be your boyfriend!”

He looked like a frazzled mess. “Wait..what? Boyfriend?”

You sighed a bit. His ignorance may be the death of you one day.

“I...I’ve been dressing more masculine and trying to hide my chest because...well….I feel better if you’d call me your boyfriend..” Your lip started to quiver in anxiety. What if this was the end? What would he tell everyone else? That his ex was a weird, ugly transvestite? “You want to be male?”

You nod whilst looking at your lap. “And..you don’t. Want to leave me?”

You nod once more, your frame starting to shake.

 Soft footsteps sound until a hand rest on your knee.

“Why don’t I take you to get your haircut? If that’s what you want, of course.”

You look to him, shock evident on your face. 

“You’re not upset?”

He shakes his head, chuckling a bit. “Of course not. I love you for you, not your gender. I will be here every single step of the way.”

You both smile and exchange hugs and kisses.  He was a keeper.

Nejire Hado

“Let’s go in here, Y/N!” Nejire exclaims, taking you by the hand and dragging you into another clothing shop in the mall.  She immediately runs to one of the racks and taking a pink sweater down.  “Oh this would look so cute on you!  Come one you have to try this- Y/N?” She stops her train of thought, looking around for you.  

She tilts her head in confusion when she sees you examining a sweater over in the men’s section of the small store.  She makes her way over to you, still holding the sweater in her arms.  “Y/N? Whatcha looking at?”

“A sweater.”

Nejire laughed, hitting your shoulder lightly.  “I know, silly, but this is the men’s section.  Are you shopping for someone else?”

“No.  I kind of liked it for- well, for me,” you say, your voice growing small as your sentence ends.  Whatever confidence you had had now fizzled away.  You wanted to curl up in your sweatshirt and just hide from the world.  It was embarrassing.  You felt sick in your body, but you couldn’t tell anyone about it.  “I’m such a coward,” you whisper, turning away from her and hanging up the sweater.

She grabs you by the arm.  “Hey.  Remember, we don’t talk to ourselves that way,” she scolds.  That was so like Nejire.  Always trying to be positive.  “Are you okay, baby girl?” She asks, wrapping her arms around your neck.

“Please, don’t call me that, Ne,” you whisper, burying your head in her shoulder.  You could feel the tears starting to sting in your eyes.  She won’t understand.  She’ll just want to break up with you.  She’ll think your weird or disgusting or confused.  As if you weren’t already called those things. 

“Y/N, look at me.”  She lifted your head, holding your face in her hands so you were forced to look at her.  She wiped a stray tear from your cheek.  “Do you want to talk?”

You shook your head, eyes shut tight, desperately trying to stop the tears from streaming down your face.  “Home…” You forced out.  

“Okay, sweetheart.  We can go,” she says, putting her arm around you protectively.  She hangs the sweater she had been holding up on a random rack and leads you from the store.  It was only a quick walk back to the dorms from the mall, but even so, Nejire never let go of you.  Every now and again, she would lean over and brush a piece of hair from your face and give you a soft kiss on the cheek before whispering a soft “It’s okay.  Please don’t cry.”

She lead you up to your room and sat down on your bed across from you.  She took a tissue from the box that was sitting on your desk and wiped your eyes.  “I’m sorry,” you mumbled, staring at the ground so she wouldn’t have to see you like this.  You felt so weak.  This wasn’t how this was supposed to be.  You weren’t supposed to be feeling like a disgrace and a lie to everyone around you.

“There is nothing that you should be sorry for, sweetheart.  I love you and you know that if you ever need to talk, I’ll listen.  But, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay too,” she says, brushing a piece of hair from your eyes.

You took a shaky breath.  She deserved to know. She deserved to know, because you love her and you don’t want to keep lying anymore.  “I- There’s- God, I don’t know…”

“You don’t have to tell me right now.  We can talk about it later if that’s what you’d like.” She tried to pat your thigh gently in reassurance, but you jerked away from your touch.  Nejire’s face fell.  Now you’ve done it.  

“Ne, I’m- I- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”  Nejire just looked down at her lap.  She was oddly quiet.  It took a lot for her to be insecure about anything, so the fact that she shut down so quickly was so unlike your normally happy-go-lucky girlfriend.

“Did I do something? Is that what’s wrong?” She asks, her voice breaking ever so slightly.

“No, not at all, Nejire.  You’re perfect.  You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I didn’t mean- It’s just-”

“Just what, Y/N? I don’t understand what’s going on!  I just want you to talk to me about what’s bothering you!”

“Everything,” you say.

“What? What do you mean, ‘everything?’”

“I don’t like who I am, Ne.”

“I like who you are, Y/N.  If you’re insecure about-”

“It’s more than that.  I’m not insecure.  I look at myself and I feel disgusting.  I don’t like having such a girly face or having such feminine hips.  I’ve literally been wearing two sport bras everyday just to try to flatten my chest!  Ne, being a girl just feels wrong.”

“Did you just come out to me?” She asks bluntly.

“Yeah,” you laugh, relaxing as if the biggest weight had just been lifted from your shoulders. “Yeah, I think I did.”

“So. . . Does that make you my boyfriend?”

“If you still want to be with me, I would love to be your boyfriend.”

“Of course I still want to be with you, silly!” She laughed, hugging you tightly.  “This is so cool! My first boyfriend!”

Tamaki Amajiki

He just didn’t get it.  He was clueless as clueless could be.  You had told him multiple times that you hated the girly nicknames that he called you.  That you hated being referred to as his girlfriend, wishing to be called his partner.  Of course, he took your wishes into consideration.  He may be clueless and riddled with anxiety, but he was no asshole.  

You paced up and down the hall outside his room, muttering to yourself, trying to get your words straight.  You were telling him and you didn’t care how many times you were going to have to pace until you could muster the courage to do it.  “Come on.  You can do this, Y/N.  All you have to say is, ‘I’m trans.’  That’s it.  Two words! Or does ‘I’m’ count as two words?  I don’t know… Maybe I should ask Uraraka.  I bet she would know,” you mutter, starting back down the hall to the stairs before stopping yourself.  “No! You’re doing this! Stop trying to find excuses.  We’re just going to walk over to that door and knock.  It’s that easy.  Okay, now come on, Y/N.”  

You start to walk back to his door, standing in front of it, fist raised and ready to knock.

“Nope.  Can’t do it.”  You turn and start walking away.  “I can’t tell him!”

“Tell him what?” 

Oh.  You know that voice.  That seemingly ever apparent tremble in his voice.  The quiet shy voice.  You turn to meet the curious gaze of Amajiki’s naturally narrow eyes.  

“Uh… Hi, Amajiki!” You say, trying your best to sound normal.

“Y/N?  What’s going on?”

“Oh, nothing!  I was just gonna walk with you to class! Yeah! That’s it.”  You mentally high-five yourself for that great save.

“But, it’s 6 p.m.”

Right….

“On a Saturday.”

He had you there.

“I mean, if you have like a special training or something, I’ll walk with you,” he offers, face rushing with a deep tint of pink.  

“No.  No, it’s okay!  I can walk by myself,” you say, taking the opportunity that he has so graciously given you to start running in the opposite direction.

“Wait! Hang on.  No.  I’ll come with you.  It’s getting dark.”

You have no choice but to stop in your tracks.  He really wasn’t going to let you of this.  You release a heavy sigh and turn to face him as he reaches you.

There’s something in his face, though, that makes every ounce of fear melt away.  Maybe it’s the softness in his eyes that he only shows you.  Maybe it’s the small twinge of a smile on his lips.  You can see all the care and adoration right there in his face and you know that you can’t keep this away from him anymore.  He was so understanding with everything else, why would he change know.

He flinches when you grab his hand out of nowhere, but nevertheless, he starts to walk, but he doesn’t get very far, because your feet are planted to the ground.  He turns to ask you what’s wrong, but stops when he sees you staring at him like a lovesick puppy.  “Uh… Y/N?”

“Amajiki.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m trans.”

“Okay, but you still have to get to class.”

“Did you hear me?”

“Yeah, you said you were transgender.  I said okay.  But, I don’t want you to be late, so we need to get going.”

The wave of relief hit you like a bus.  You were giggling hysterically.  You pull him to you, enveloping him in a tight embrace, to which Amajiki awkwardly returns, giving you a few pats on your back.

“Seriously, though, Y/N, we should get you to class.”

“I don’t have class, silly!  I just said that, because I chickened out.”

“That hit too close to home,” he jokes, holding a hand over his heart, offering a rare smile.

[eridiumangel]

‘ROMANCE’ Headcanons Dashgame

Name: Angel

Nickname: Guardian Angel,Blackbird, [insert Jack petname here] Gender: Female Romantic orientation: Panromantic Preferred pet names: N/A, Jack kinda killed the pet name industry for Angel Relationship status: Single Favorite canon ship(s): Angel and A SINGLE FUCKING OUNCE OF HAPPINESS Favorite non-canon ship(s): Angel/Zer0, Angel/Axton, Angel/Gaige Opinion on love at first sight: It’s not real How romantic are they: Angel likes romance, but if she’s instigating usually sticks to small gestures for fear than anything larger wouldn’t go over well. She’s a fan of wholesome and sweet things that offer a reprieve from the constant violence on Pandora. Ideal physical traits: Strength, both in terms of posture and physical wherewithal; it’s something Angel strives for for herself and is attracted to people who have already accomplished that. Ideal personality traits: Humor and thoughtfulness, confidence--those who can both offer Angel support and enjoy the better moments, someone who can and wants to find things to enjoy even if they’re small things. It’s really about a balance of being serious and being carefree.  Unattractive physical traits: Too many body modifications; she doesn’t mind tattoos, piercings, or more cybernetic modifications, but she doesn’t really like people who go overboard and are covered with them. Unattractive personality traits: Being overly judgmental, cruelty or apathy toward others, arrogance Ideal date: Exploring Pandora, or even finding a high place and simply watching the wildlife is perfect for Angel. She’s enjoyed the freedom of travel after finally leaving the Core, but she doesn’t know where all the best places are nor does she have much time to go exploring without any other objective. Just being somewhere and taking in the world around her with someone important would make Angel’s week. Do they have a type: Not particularly, though she seems generally drawn to people who are confident enough to initiate things, since Angel is incredibly shy when it comes to matters of the heart and relationships.  Average relationship length: Angel has no relationship history, it’s difficult being an AI Preferred non-sexual intimacy: Cuddling. Angel is a big ol’ fan of cuddling and being close to her s/o Commitment level: Once Angel catches feelings for someone she isn’t likely to look anywhere else, and she tends to be all in once a relationship is actually started. She is a bit slow to open up completely, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t committed to that person or that relationship, it’s just one of Angel’s hangups. Opinion on public affection: Given how easily flustered Angel gets, she likes to keep PDA to a minimum. Things like hand holding and the very occasional kiss on the cheeks are acceptable, but she’ll stop anything that crosses that line.  Past relationship(s): None

TAGGED BY: @numericalassassin

TAGGING: @mechrenegade, @radicalstimulant, @wiresdonttalk, and anyone else that wants to do this

[buckyscrystalqueen]

Winter Wolf: Part 7

Pairings: Bucky x Reader, Eventual Natasha x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, angst, fluff, death

Word Count: 3,583

Box Filled: Gender Swap

A/N: This series was written for @marvelfluffbingo​ and it took on a life of its own. Enjoy!

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“This movie is really violent.” You said simply as you sat sideways across the single chair on Bucky’s lap watching some horror movie he wanted you to see. You scrunched your nose and cringed as you watched as the woman in whatever contraption she was in had her skin ripped off her stomach. “Scary violent.”

“Really, babe?” Bucky asked as he absentmindedly played with your hair that he had draped over his shoulder and the back of the chair to keep it out of the way of the pair of socks you were kitting for a local homeless shelter. “You’re an assassin…”

“Yea, I killed people with calculated shots and knives to the jugular. This…” You said as you gestured to the TV with your knitting needle. “…is just gratuitous violence.” You watched for only a moment longer before you shook your head and leaned into Bucky’s chest to pay attention to your knitting.

“Want me to turn it off?” He asked as he glanced down at you.

“No it’s fine.” You said with a shake of your head. “I’m content. I have like four more pairs of socks to do for that box for the shelter anyways.”

“Well if you’re sure.” He said as he kissed your forehead with a smile. “I’m gunna keep watching because I love these movies.”

“That’s because you have severe problems.” You giggled as you tapped his chin with the flat end of your knitting needle. “Serious, probably certifiable problems.”

“You love it.” He sighed as he wrapped his arms around your middle and pulled you impossibly closer. You tucked your forehead against his throat with a smile and continued to work on your socks. You were just finishing up the sock you had started at the beginning of the movie when someone grabbed your metal arm and yanked you off Bucky’s lap.

“Don’t speak.” Nat hissed at Bucky with a glance over her shoulder down her hallway. “You haven’t seen me.”

“You got it.” He said with a wave of his hand as he looked away from Natasha dragging you down to his room.

“Will you be gentle?” You asked as she practically shoved you in the door and ran in after you. 

“Why would you say that?” She asked as she pushed you up against the wall by the door. You searched her tear stained face as she frantically tried to touch every inch of you that she could. “My star…”

“Shhh…” You said softly as you quickly pulled her into your arms. “I’m here, little love…” She sobbed silently against your chest, letting you see a weakness no one else saw, and you ran your fingers through her soft, red hair. “I couldn’t let you lose him, baby girl.” You whispered against her forehead. “Love is way to precious…”

“But what about our love, huh?” She asked harshly in Russian as she pulled back to glare at you. “What does our love mean to you?”

“Talia…” You tried but she shook her head.

“You can’t just throw me away like that. Do I mean nothing to you?”

“Natalia!” You snapped as your face contorted in heartache.

“You replaced me.” She said as a scary calm look flashed across her face almost instantly. “That’s it. You replaced me in your heart…”

“Talia…”

“It’s Natasha.” She said evenly as she stormed out of the room. “Your little love is gone.”

“Natalia!” You hissed as loud as you dared after her as she ran across the living room toward her room. Your whole body started to shake violently as Bucky lurched off the chair to figure out what happened.

“What…?” Was all he got out before you burst into tears and sank down to the floor against the door frame. “Fuck… come here.” He said as he picked you up off the floor and carried you down to your room since all his pillows and blankets were on your bed. His heart felt conflicted as he lowered you down to the mattress that still sat on the floor since he was watching one of his close friends break the woman he loves’ heart for loving him.

“I’m sorry.” You cried as he laid down beside you and wrapped you in his arms. “I shouldn’t…”

“Don’t be sorry, (Y/N). I understand, sweetheart.”

“I don’t.” You sobbed as you wrapped your arms around him as much as you could and held on tight. He sighed and kissed the top of your head with a nod.

“I know, baby. Me neither.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You stood in the mirror in your bathroom, staring at your reflection, honestly wondering who you were. Natasha’s words struck deep to your core and after a restless nights sleep, you started to think about what you were doing. Were you replacing Natasha with Bucky out of connivence?

You glanced over at the man sleeping on your bed and a small smile pulled at the corner of your lips. He was sprawled out across your bed like a starfish with your pillow hugged against the side as if you were still there and the blanket was just draped over his boxer clad right thigh only. His long hair, which was his personal screw you to the US government for making him continuously cut it when he joined the Army, was fanned out across the pillow and his soft, almost unheard breaths were guaranteed to help you fall asleep in a matter of minutes.

But he wasn’t just a warm body to you; he was your rock. He could read your emotions like a book and he had already taken it upon himself to make sure that when you were headed down, he was the only one that brought you right back up. He listened when you talked and was actually curious about your life; your whole life. He wanted to know every little detail he could, from what your favorite color was and is; it used to be sunflower yellow but soft, sky blue like the very start of a sunrise won these days. He was trying to learn some basic Russian to try and help out during those now rare nights that you had flashback nightmares. He let you vent to him when Tony pissed you off and helped you pick on Steve when he was being… well, Steve. He made you laugh to the point where you were near tears just to hear the sound. He honestly reminded you so much of John.

You sat down on the floor and tried to picture your life without Bucky in it; even the idea was nauseating. You couldn’t imagine not having him to talk too at three in the morning when a memory popped up in a dream that you just had to share. It broke your heart to picture even knitting without him playing with the ball of yarn like a cat just to get you to smile. It nearly killed you to imagine going through your days without having him in them. And no matter how much you loved her, if you had to choose, you needed Bucky more than you needed Natasha. Because you were not the same person you were back then.

You got to your feet and looked in the mirror once more. You cringed as your eyes dragged down your fresh out of the shower wet body. There were no visible scars left other than your shoulder; your mutation taking care of that for you, but you could still see them in your mind. The gashes, burns, and gouges from horrors too imaginable for words. You looked back up at your face with a sigh and ran your hands through your wet hair.

“Buck.” You called out as you separated the strands and pulled them in front of your chest. When he didn’t say anything, you looked over at him. “Baby?” Your boyfriend sat bolt upright in bed and looked around the room to find you. You stepped into the door way with tears in your eyes and a weak smile. “Can you help me cut my hair?”

“What?” He asked with his brow furrowed as he brushed his hair out of his face. 

“My hair.” You repeated. “I want you…”

“No, I heard you, baby.” He said as he got up out of bed with a groan. “Why are we cutting your hair?”

“It’s not right.” You said as you grabbed a hair tie off the counter and began collecting the long locks in your slightly shaky hands behind your back. “It’s not me anymore.”

“OK. Alright.” He said as he said calmly as he pulled your hair from your hands so it wouldn’t get caught in your metal hand in your haste. “Let’s see what we can do here.” You nodded your head as he started the long process of pulling your knee length hair into a pony tail at the base of your neck. “How long do you want it, sweetheart?” You shook your head and shrugged as he found your tear filled eyes in the mirror. “Are you sure about this?” You nodded again as you grabbed his small beard scissors and held them up toward him.

“Please?” You said as he searched your eyes in the mirror. He nodded and smiled as he took the scissors from your hand.

“Alright, baby girl. Let’s do this. I’m gunna leave a little length, though.” He said as he pulled the elastic through your hair to the middle of the small of your back. He pushed his thumb into your back where he had stopped and looked back up for confirmation. “There OK?” All you could do was nod as tears fell from your eyes. “Stand up straight for me, baby.”  You did as you were told as he made one last adjustment of the hair tie and crouched down behind you. Your eyes closed as he began the process of cutting at least a foot and a half off your hair. 

You didn’t look as you pictured the weight of everything you had gone through in your existence being cut away with the strands. Every ounce of pain and torture; of loss and anger. Every murder committed at your hands and at the hands of the White Wolf, even the Wolf herself; you let them all go. It took nearly an hour with the tiny scissors but when the last strand was cut, you felt more free than you had in more than a century. 

“How’s that feel?” Bucky asked as he set the pony tail aside and ran his fingers through your hair so he could even out the ends.

“Freeing.” You breathed as you wiped your your tears away. You went to look down at the pony tail and Bucky gasped.

“No don’t wiggle!” He laughed as he moved the scissors away so he didn’t cut a big chunk of your hair off accidentally. “Stay straight. I gotta fix this line.”

“Let me see then.” You said as you held your hand out for the hair he cut. You waited a moment as he cut a tiny section and put the pony tail in your hand for you.

“You know what I like about this?” He asked as he evened out another little section. “I get a better view of this cute butt of yours.”

“God, you’re such a man.” You teased as you whacked him with the pony tail in the side before putting it on the counter. 

“I would hope so.” He chuckled as he got the last little area and stood up. “Alright, what do you think?” He asked as he ran his hands through your hair and pulled it forward over your shoulders. 

“Oh, my Lord.” You said as your eyes looked at the shortened locks. “I love it!” You smiled and looked up at him as he moved you a step to the side so he could wash his scissors and hands. “Thank you.”

“Of course, baby.” He chuckled as you kissed his cheek. “Throw my shirt from yesterday on and go grab the dustpan to clean up so we can jump in the shower and get these little hairs off your back. You’ll be itchy all day otherwise.”

“You gunna help me wash my back, Buck?” You asked with a smirk on your way out into the bedroom.

“And I’ll be a perfect gentleman about it, too.” He chuckled as he dried off his hands so he could finally use the bathroom.

“Oh, I bet you will.” You giggled as you pulled your hair from the collar of the shirt and ran your fingers through it a couple times. With a smile, you told yourself that this was the start of something new in your life and you were not going to allow your past to weigh you down any more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So I got a question for you.” Tony said as he flopped down on the couch beside you while you watched ‘Gone With The Wind’ with Wanda and Bucky and pointed out all the historical inaccuracies to them and Steve, who was in the kitchen making dinner for the team. You glanced over at him with your eyebrows raised as Wanda paused the movie. “So on a scale of one to ten, how crazy do you think you are?”

“Really, Tony?” Wanda asked as she leaned around you and Bucky from her chair to glare at him.

“She’s not crazy!” Bucky yelled over her and Steve simply groaned the billionaire’s name.

“About a four.” You said with a shrug at the same time. You glanced over at Steve as he came around the kitchen island to look at you with a scowl. “What?! I have metal claws, I can’t die, and the voice in my head thinks being an Avenger is a good idea. I’m sort of crazy.”

“Perfect. She’s ready for a mission.”

“Sounds good.” You said as the other three Avengers protested loudly.

“Be in the briefing room in ten minutes. I’ll find Banner!” Tony called out as he got up quickly and walked away before anyone could verbally or physically attack him. When he was gone, three pairs of eyes turned on you.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Bucky asked as he rubbed your back. You shrugged as you stopped the movie and looked at the remote to make sure you hit the ‘all off’ button.

“Gotta find out sometime, right?” You asked as you looked over at him and Wanda. The pair of them looked up at Steve for his opinion as he came around the couches to look at you. He searched your eyes for a moment before exhaling through his nose and nodding.

“Alright. Let’s go.”

——

“Alright. What do you see?” Steve asked in the comms in your ear. You looked at the man who was waiting to buy some kind of biological weapon technology from a different man (you were only half paying attention in the briefing because you didn’t really care exactly why bad guys were being bad) and sighed.

“Bucky can’t cut a straight line.” You teased as you ran your fingers through your short hair and pulled the strands in front of you.

“Really?” Bucky asked monotonously as he peeked over the edge of the building above your head at you.

“(Y/N). Pay attention.” Steve scolded as the man you were waiting for rounded a corner three blocks down the road.

“I am.” You said as you picked up your cup of watered down coffee and downed the rest of it. “We’re moving in 17 seconds.”

“Wait, what?” Wanda asked from a few tables back.

“Bucky do you have eyes?” Steve asked as you watched the man that had thought sunglasses, a horribly applied false beard, and a hair piece was an acceptable disguise. 

“Ten seconds.” You said as you reached down with your right hand and slowly pulled a small knife from your hip.

“I’m not seeing this!” Steve said.

“Blue shirt.” Bucky said as he followed your eyes to where you were looking. “I think.”

“What are we doing, Cap?” Tony asked as his red suit caught your eye a few buildings down on the opposite side of the road.

“Five seconds.”

“There’s four people with blue shirts.” Wanda said with a shake of her head as the man approached the buyer with the neurotoxin.

“You’re missing your window.” You said as your hands itched for the action.

“Cap!”

“(Y/N), take ‘em if you have eyes.” Tony said. You lurched to your feet and threw your knife with expert precision and it embedded into the disguised man’s hand as he reached out toward the buyer. A second knife was thrown less than a second later, and trapped the buyer’s hand to the metal table. People screamed around you as you took off a run toward the first man before the rest of your team even caught up to what happened.

“Where ya goin’?” You asked as you lunged and tackled the seller to the ground. You looked up at Tony to see where he was to help when a panicked looking man a block down the road met your eyes and took off at a run in the opposite direction. Without thinking, you broke the man you tackled’s leg and took off at a run after the second man.

“(Y/N)!” Steve shouted in your ear as you launched over a car and turned on a dime to head down the alley the man was trying to get away from your down.

“I got a runner.” You called back as you hurtled over over a trash can he had knocked over and picked up your pace.

“I got her.” Bucky said as Red Wing’s shadow sailed across your head and sputtered a bit to keep up with you. The man you were chasing screamed as he tried to scale a fence but you were too fast. You grabbed the back of his shirt, threw him onto the ground, and quickly stuck your metal finger in his mouth so he couldn’t crush a cyanide pill in his mouth if he had one.

“Where are you going?” You asked as you pinned his hands to his side with your thighs as you held his chin in your hand so he couldn’t struggle..

“He’s got a gun, baby.” Bucky said in your ear as Red Wing hovered over your head.

“I saw it.” You said with a nod as the man tried desperately to bite through your finger. “What are you trying to accomplish here? You’re chewing on metal.”

“Don’t encourage.” Steve said as he came down the alley to assist.

“He’s biting me.” You said as you pulled the cyanide cap off the man’s back tooth and put it in your other hand. “Come on, I know you got one more.”

“How did you even see this guy?” He asked as you found the second cap and put it in your palm with the first. 

“Sixty years of training.” You sighed as you swept through the guys mouth once more just to make sure before pulling your finger free.

“You’ll pay…” The guy shouted before you backhanded him hard with your metal hand and knocked him unconscious.

“Yea yea.” You groaned as you got your feet under you and grabbed his arm. You accidentally broke his arm on purpose as you lifted him up off the ground and passed him to Steve. “Here you go. One bad guy.”

“Damn, baby.” Bucky said as he rounded the corner. “You broke that guys leg good!” You simply shrugged as you dropped the caps from your right hand to the ground and crushed them with your heel.

“Bad guys deserve bad thing happening to them.” He smirked as he stopped in front of you and looked down at you.

“Who knew someone so tiny would be such a little spit fire.”

“Watch it, Barnes.” You laughed as you pushed his shoulder and took a step around him to head back to the rest of the team. 

You all completely missed the sniper across the street in the third floor corner window.

Your body was thrown back at least twenty feet as the thirty caliber bullet slammed into the center of your chest. You felt your lungs collapse and your spleen rupture as you started to convulse on the ground because your body was deprived of air.

“(Y/N)!” Bucky screamed as Tony blasted through the window and tackled the man that shot you to the ground. You sucked in wet breaths as fast as you could as tears welled in your eyes.

“B-b-b…” You tried as you tried to push yourself away from the mouth of the alley only to realize the bullet must have hit your spine because you couldn’t feel your arms or legs. 

“No, it’s OK. It’s OK, baby girl. Don’t talk.” Bucky said with a shake of his head as he tried to wipe the blood pouring from your mouth away. Tears fall from his eyes rapidly as he put his hand on the center of your chest in a vain attempt to keep the blood in.

“I… I love… you…” You gasped as your vision started to tunnel from the blood loss.

“I love you, too baby girl. But you’re gunna be just fine.” You nodded your head subtly and took one final breath as his blue eyes disappeared into the darkness.

Part 8

[auctes]

                                            meet  the  muse .

                                   (  repost .        do  not  reblog !  )

are  you  single ?        “ ...        wh - what  is  this ?        what  do  you  have  to  gain ,        extracting  such  i - intimate  information  from  me ?        well ,        it’s  none  of  your  business !        probably  doesn’t  even  matter  to  you      ——      animal  ... ” are  you  happy ?        “ happiness  is  an  abstract  concept  that  no  amount  of  money ,        or  talent ,        or  power  can  ever  buy  you .        i’ve  come  to  terms  with  it       ——      i’ll  n - nnn...ever  be  happy . ” are  you  angry ?        “ i’m  being  harassed !        of  course  i’m  angry ! ”

nine  facts .

are  your  parents  still  married ?        “ m - my  parents  never  were  married .        i  suppose  that  doesn’t  surprise  you      ——      th - that  i’m  a  bastard  child  of  indeterminate  parentage .        either  way ,        it’s  dirty  blood . ” birthplace ?        “ fujiidera ,        osaka .        r - right  on  the  river . ” hair  color ?        “ s - sss...ome  drab ,        dreary ,        dirty  color  that  you’d  attribute  to  someone  who  reads  a  lot  of  books ,        ‘cause  they’re  not  fit  to  be  seen  without  their  nose  in  one . ” eye  color ?        “ the  same  color  as  sleet  on  the  bottom  of  your  shoe . ” birthday ?        “ march  third .        yeah      ——      hinamatsuri . ” mood ?        “ abysmal .        but  it’s  not  as  if  you  actually  care ! ” gender ?        “ female .        shocking ,        i  know  ...        i - it  isn’t  as  if  i  bear  any  notable  feminine  assets . ” summer  or  winter ?        “ winter .        i  h - hate  summer ,        i  hate  it  ...        always  so  disgustingly  warm  and  sticky ,        the  atmosphere’s  so  thick  that  you  can’t  even  move  without  cutting  through  it . ” morning  or  afternoon ?        “ does  it  matter ?        time’s  all  relative  when  the  blinds  are  closed ,        and  all  you  know  is  the  glare  of  a  screen . ”

eight  questions  about  your  love  life .

are  you  in  love ?        “ ——      yes .        what    —— ?         y - you  think  someone  as  abhorrent  as  me  could  never  know  love ?        that  my  heart’s  as  cold  and  dead  as  the  body  that  protects  it ?!        as  offensive  as  i  am  to  your  senses ,        i  can  still  feel ! ” do  you  believe  in  love  at  first  sight ?        “ in  that  you  can  look  at  someone      ——      say ,        on  a  crowded  train  platform ,        o - or  in  an  atmospheric  tea  house      ——      the  light  carving  their  features  just  so ,        and  the  world  around  them  grinding  to  a  halt  so  that  all  there  is  in  time  i - is  you ,       and  them ?        and  your  heart  stops  with  time ,        but  only  for  a  second       ——      b - but  a  second  is  enough  to  age  it  lifetimes ,        for  all  of  which  you  feel  you’ve  known  this  one  person ?        well  ...        yes ,         but  it  sounds  awful  on  paper . ” who  ended  your  last  relationship ?        “ i’ve  never  been  in  a  proper  relationship  before .         b - but  you’re  right  ...         any  relationship  i’m  in  would  be  doomed  to  end  disastrously . ” have  you  ever  broken  someone’s  heart ?        “ i’m  content  with  the  knowledge  th - that  my  words  have  brought  people  to  feel  real ,        human  things .        whether  that’s  heartbreak ,        or  sorrow ,        or  hope ,         or  sentimentality  ...        i  guess  you  can  i - indirectly  break  a  person’s  heart  with  a  precision  strike . ” are you  afraid  of  commitment ?        “ no .        it  might  take  me  a  while  to  warm  up  to  a  person ,        b - but  someone  like  me  is  never  gonna  rule  out  the  possibility  of  something  lasting .        you  just  don’t  know  if  you’re  gonna  get  another  chance  ..! ” have  you  hugged  someone  in  the  last  week ?        “ none  of  your  business . ” have  you  ever  had  a  secret  admirer ?        “ i - it  wouldn’t  be  a  secret  if  i  knew ,         would  it ?!        completely  defeats  the  purpose  ...        b - but  i  can  confidently  say  no  one  is  that  stupid . ” have  you  ever  broken  your  own  heart ?        “ oh ,        i’ve  had  my  heart  broken  ...        b - but  i’m  desensitized  to  my own  miserable  tendencies .        i  don’t  think  i  could  hurt  myself  that  irreparably . ”

six  choices .

love  or  lust ?        “ love .        even  for  every  ounce  of  pain  and  woe  it  brings ,        it  should  be  worth  it      ——      shouldn’t  it ? ” iced  tea  or  lemonade ?        “ iced  tea  ...         b - but  it  better  not  be  sweetened !        it’s  always  so  sickly  that  it  gives  me  a  migraine . ” cats  or  dogs ?        “ neither .        they  make  me  nervous . ” a  few  best  friends  or  many  regular  friends ?        “ i - if  i  had  the  choice ,        and  i  wasn’t  restricted  by  circumstance  ...         a  few  close  friends .         i’ve  never  had  a  best  friend  before ,        let  alone  ...         any  ... ” wild  night  out  or  romantic  night  in ?        “ heh .        my  definition  of  a  wild  night  out  might  not  b - be  the  same  as  yours .        given  the  choice ,        i  wouldn’t  pass  up  an  evening  of  romance . ” day  or  night ?        “ night .        it’s  always  in  those  sedentary ,        lonesome  hours  wh - when  i’m  at  my  creative  best . ”

four  have - you - evers .

been  caught  sneaking  out ?        “ if  i  had ,        i  d - don’t  think  i’d  be  here  to  tell  the  tale . ” fallen  up  or  down  stairs ?        “ ...        i’ve  been  pushed  a  couple  of  times ,         if  that  counts  ... ” wanted  someone  or  something  so  badly  it  hurt ?        “ if  you  don’t  want  anything  with  the  ferocity  to  kill  you ,         to  drive  you  absolutely  mad  ...        then  you  don’t  even  want  it  at  all . ” wanted  to  disappear ?        “ it’d  sure  make  my  life  easier  if  i  did . ”

four  preferences .

smile  or  eyes ?        “ a  smile .        i - it’s  only  human  that  the  eyes  would  be  drawn  to  the  mouth  ...        you  can  know  everything  about  a  person  in  the  curvature  of  their  lip ,        or  the  upward  turn  of  its  corners .        mouths  are  as  expressive  as  they  are  sensuous . ” shorter  or  taller ?        “  ...        shorter . ” intelligence  or  attractiveness ?        “ it  has  to  be  one  or  the  other ?        y - you  can’t  be  attracted  to  i - intelligence ?        a  beautiful  mind  is  echelons  more  reverent  than  a  beautiful  face . ”  hook - up  or  relationship ?        “ why  would  you give  yourself  to  a - anyone  if  you  don’t  expect  them  to  keep  you ?        i  wouldn’t  be  w - with  anyone  i  wouldn’t  want  to  be  with  infinitely  and  indefinitely . ”

family .

do  you  and  your  family  get  along ?         “ get  along ?        heh  ...        we  don’t  even  talk . ” would  you  say  you  have  a  ‘ messed  up  life ? ’        “ what  do  you  think ?        i  wouldn’t  be  able  to  write  s - sss...o  beautifully ,        with  such  nuance  if  i  hadn’t  had  a  ‘ messed  up  life . ’ ” have  you  ever  run  away  from  home ?        “ ...        once ,         i  think .         i  d - don’t  really  remember  ...          i  was  only  four  or  so  ...         i  j - just  remember  being  picked  up  at  osaka  abenobashi . ” have  you  ever  been  kicked  out ?         “ l - lll...eft  outside  overnight  a  few  times ,         but  never  really  kicked  out . ”

friends .

do  you  secretly  hate  any  of  your  friends ?         “ i  don’t  secretly  hate  a - anybody .        if  you’re  gonna  hate  someone ,        take  ownership  of  it .         make  sure  they  know . ” do  you  consider  all  of  your  friends  good  friends ?        “ heh  ...        what  friends ? ” who  is  your  best  friend ?        “ the  deeply  rooted  melancholia  that  compels  me  to  write ,        a - as  sincerely  as  it  compels  me  to  stay  in  bed  for  days  on  end . ” who  knows  everything  about  you ?         “ n - nnn...o  one .        not  even  me . ”

TAGGED  BY           @blindedhope ,        ya  filthy  animal . TAGGING                @gravames ,        @gunframed ,        @gungambled ,        @riotaid   +   the  rest  of  squad  ig​

[the-little-red-noodle]

8/12/18 9:19am demisexual

“A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a emotional connection. It's more commonly seen in, but by no means confined, to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual.“

I’ve been throwing this term around in my head lately. 

as preface, i’ve always hated terms like this. I actually only very recently embraced the bisexual thing because i just hate the labels. I didn’t want to call myself ‘bisexual’ or ‘queer’ because i’m just a person who is attracted to multiple genders. it doesnt matter to me, and the umbrella term queer is vile in a way to me because it means weird, and i dont think there is anything weird about the way i love or the way that any lgbtqia person loves. love is natural, not weird. just because it isnt straight, it has to be labelled weird? i dont subscribe to that idea. and i am never the person to want to add unnecessary terms to myself, because i dont like terms in general. im not forthright with my sexuality, but my group of friends is so prideful that i think its rubbed off on me, and im starting to look at the term bisexual as something to feel special about instead of ‘weird’.

with that being said, lets look at this new one. Demisexual, the way i see it, is someone who needs an emotional connection to a person before they can get sexy with them. i’ve been thinking more about it lately because ive been wondering if it is something i can relate to. 

for the longest time when i was younger, i only thought you could be gay or straight, nothing else. learning about being bisexual made sense to me, and more and more im understanding asexuality and know it is completely valid though i didnt think it was real a couple years ago. so now confronted with demisexuality, my knee jerk reaction is ‘thats fake’, which i recognize is a fucked up way to view things like sexuality because everything is so fluid and changing and i shouldnt snark at the terms people have created to define parts of that fluidity. someone somewhere said this is how i feel, and other people were like hey me too, and now its a term that anyone can identify as. 

i look at this term and i feel compelled by it but unsure if it is actually true of the way i experience sexual feelings or if i just see myself more often developing emotional connections to the people im interested in. in that way, i feel like the sexual feelings can precede the emotional connection. but then i think about how most people ive been with (consensually and enthusiastically) have been friends first, someone i felt kind of close to already that developed into sexual feelings for them, which supports the demisexual thing. 

i wonder why i havent been a ‘hookup’ person in the past. i wonder why i havent gone out more as a single person to meet new people and why i always settled for the person i felt my heart was safe with. now, i feel frustrated with myself for thinking that i may have feelings for this new person that im hooking up with. i feel mad at myself for ‘being a girl’ because ‘girls always catch feelings’. but what if its not just because im a girl but because im kind of a little bit demi? and for me to feel the best kind of sexual attraction to someone, i have to kind of convince myself that i would date them if they asked, or at least catch a few feels so that the sex is satisfying. 

i think about the first time we hooked up, on the 4th of july. it was really my first time ever talking to him, didnt know him at all other than the fact that he smoked a lot and had a good taste in music. i was drunk and looking to just hookup with someone, but when it came down to it when we were alone, i couldnt do it. i felt apathetic and not into it. i didnt put in much effort. he was grabbing at me and holding me and i kinda felt nothing? not even just that i didnt feel sexually enthralled by him, but i just felt literally nothing. jaded and apathetic and aloof. thats not a sexually satisfying experience.

then i think about how after that night together, i left without really saying goodbye. i just wanted to get out and go do other things with my day. i didnt want him to get my number, i lowkey wanted to never see him again.. but then he found me on social media and facebook and sort of initiated further contact, and then things changed for me. i started thinking about him. i started looking to see if he was watching my stories and liking my pictures, and when he would dm me i got kind of excited? fast forward to a month later, i invited him to this party with the same group of people because i actually wanted to hook up with him now. i had built it up in my head that this person was actually interested in me as a person and actually might like me, and there was nothing more attractive than the idea that this person might like me.. once i felt like that, i went for him, and the hook up was fucking amazing. sort of courting each other most of the day and cuddling and looking like a couple all day leading up to having an epic hook up that night.. mmph.. 

anyway, the difference is crazy because this second time, i was really into it. i knew going into the day that i was going to probably hook up with this guy, and didnt know how to act around each other but he just comes in and puts his arm around me first thing and the rest is history. i was so into it, i was such an active participant, and really trying to initiate things.. 

is that because i was just really horny lately? is it because we had the whole day leading up to it and there was anticipation? or is it because actually developing an ounce of an emotional connection made me really attracted to him?.. like is all of this because im actually kinda demisexual and need the emotional connection to want to fuck you? or is it because im just a ‘girl’ and ‘girls catch feels’.. like i dont know..

at the end of the day, i dont really care about the labels. i dont need to call myself demisexual to feel special, i just kind of want to know if thats the reason that i treat sex and hookups the way that i do. to be able to tell myself that im not just a dumb girl who catches feels for any guy who looks at her a certain way, but that in order to be really satisfied in sexual circumstances, i need to kinda feel connected to you emotionally.. and maybe thats not the worst thing in the world. and the validity of being demisexual doesnt mean that im falling in love with every person that i am physical with, just that i probably wont go home with someone from a bar. i probably wont make a tindr just to get laid. i probably wont jump at the option to fuck some stranger, cuz thats not satisfying in the way that spending a whole day getting to know someone and spending the night dry humping is.. lol

[cheekbites-moved]

ok so i watched love simon for the first time last night & i was too tired to make a ‘final thoughts’ post then, so here it is now! lol

obviously this is gonna be long as hell so im putting it under a read more for ur convenience lmfao

im actually gonna start with what i didnt like bc it was just one thing.

obviously, if uve seen the movie (as many ppl hated this too), or read my liveblogging posts, u know what it is lol 

ill be honest, as a gay person, im incredibly biased towards simon. ill admit that. that being said, how his friends treated him after he got outed was fucking disgusting.

here’s the thing: the actions simon did that his friends got upset over were motivated by the threat of him being outed. now, if this movie was just some fluffy, fantastical movie, the threat would just be ppl knowing he’s gay and that’s it. no repercussions, just ppl gaining the knowledge that he’s not straight. not that big a deal.

however, since this movie tries its best to be accurate and realistic to things, it’s not that simple in the movie, and it’s not the simple in real life.

the risk of being outed is not just ‘ppl knowing ur gay’ and that’s it.

the risk of being outed involves the risk of getting bullied (which does happen in the movie, twice. once to ethan on screen, once to simon after he comes out.), getting abandoned by ur friends (which also does happen in the movie), getting expelled from school or fired from ur job if either of them find out & are lgbtphobic, getting kicked out of ur house if ur parents/whoever u live w find out & theyre lgbtphobic, and, at worst, it can come with the risk of getting beaten or even killed.

and no, this isnt me blowing this up to be more serious than it should be. bc unfortunately, in the world we live in, these things can happen as a result of someone being lgbt, whether they came out themselves or were outed by someone else. 

the worst thing simon did was hurt his friends’ feelings a bit. 

he didnt notice leah’s feelings for him (which. why would he? he’s not interested in her, or any girl for that matter, so obviously he’s not looking for the signs of interest. why would he notice that, and why was it his responsibility to know anyway??). he tried to set nick up with her because he genuinely thought she had feelings for nick, and that’s the main reason why he didn’t realize that she liked him.

yes, part of the motive was trying to get nick out the way so he could set abby up with martin, but ffs. let me reiterate that his life, and potential future, were on the line. having the possibility of all the aforementioned things potentially happening to him should make his actions at least understandable.

like falling for someone that doesnt like u back bc theyre not attracted to ur gender (which like.. hello. gay ppl fucking experience that shit all the time too & we have to learn to deal w it.), or being put in a game of matchmaker bc ur friend was trying to save their own fucking life is rly not that big a deal compared to said friend’s situation of trying to save their own fucking life. 

one situation hurts, but can eventually be healed from (which clearly they do in the movie since abby and nick got together anyway in spite of simon’s actions, and leah’s fine). the other situation has the chance of resulting in a fucking future/life being ruined or taken. i think that one is much more fucking important.

all in all, i just wish they wouldve fucking apologized. bc they screamed at him after he got outed. 

abby saw how fucking terrified he was when he came out to her, but she’s not gonna have a single ounce of sympathy when he was outed to the entire school against his will?? like what the fuck! 

also wish they wouldve stood up for him when he got bullied. they just sat there with guilty expressions, but none of them did anything. it was really rough to watch.

as much as all this seriously pissed me off, though, especially as a person who has been outed against my will so all of simon’s heartache as a result rly resonated with me.. 

i appreciate that they put that shit in. 

bc u know what unfortunately that is how cishet ppl react sometimes. guilting u for being lgbt, guilting u for not coming out to them despite knowing how scary it can be, etc etc etc. 

and getting apologizes from cishet ppl for that kinda shit is rare. so, as much as i was annoyed that they didnt apologize, that is unfortunately realistic. as much as i wish they wouldve stood up for him, that was also unfortunately realistic. so im still glad it’s in there even if it did piss me off. 

simon’s speech to martin was nice at least, and i hope that it taught some cishet ppl that have outed ppl, or threatened to out ppl, or wanted to out ppl, why u just dont fucking do that shit.

woo now that that’s outta my system lmfao onto all the good stuff! in bullet list form bc theres a l o t lmfao

the soundtrack ESP for the emotional moments wOw

‘i wanna dance with somebody’ gay musical addition

simon’s subtle annoyed looks whenever straight nonsense™  happens

simon’s terrible attempts at being straight

simon’s extremely subtle, but still noticeable if ur lgbt, panic whenever the potential chance of him being outed/discovered arises 

the dog

simon’s parents’ speeches to him after he comes out to them

seriously as gay, nb person w lgbtphobic parents that shit meant a lot to hear. 

the fact that this is not only a mainstream lgbt rom-com, but also a mainstream movie abt a gay kid learning to love himself and be confident with himself and his sexuality

simon’s journey to being able to proudly proclaim that he’s gay.

the speech he has near the end is so fucking powerful bc we see him struggle throughout the movie to say it. 

first he cant say it at all, then he can only say it quietly, but by the end of the movie, he’s proclaiming to the entire school, loud and proud, that yes. he is gay. and he’s not going to feel wrong for that anymore. 

i feel like that entire journey is one that can really resonate with a lot of ppl, including myself. so im so fucking happy that this movie included that progression, and ended it with him having such an exuberant amount of confidence. it was honestly really beautiful, and im glad i got to witness it.

simon practicing pickup lines in the mirror

“hey barack its me jacques”

abby trying to teach simon how to flirt

simon googling “how to dress like a gay guy”

simon not having martin’s bullshit and telling him off for how fucked up blackmailing him was from the start, but especially his speech about how important/personal coming out is to ppl and how shitty it was that he took that away from him

MRS ALBRIGHT IN GENERAL BUT ESPECIALLY HER ICONICALLY STICKING UP FOR SIMON IN THE CAFETERIA I STAN HER SO HARD!!

ethan in general, but especially his speech to simon in the office, and super especially the line “one gay’s a snnooze, two’s a hilarious hate crime”

like i seriously appreciate how real this movie is. and it doesnt have lines like this, or plots like the blackmailing/outing just for drama. 

it’s to show that this is how being lgbt can be sometimes, this shit rly happens. and i just rly appreciated seeing all that in a way that didnt even try to pull any punches. it was so clear they seriously cared abt making this an accurate movie, and that meant a lot

GETTING TO SEE TWO BOYS KISSING ON SCREEN MULTIPLE TIMES, AND NOT JUST THAT, BUT GETTING TO SEE THEM GET A HAPPY ENDING!!!!! 

i seriously cried for like 20 minutes starting from when bram showed up at the ferris wheel to well after the credits had ended. 

i cannot even begin to express how fucking incredible it was to get to see two boys kissing, getting cheered on, and getting to be happy.

especially in the scene where simon picks up everyone, and leah moves so bram can get in the front seat and he kisses simon when he gets in. IT WAS SO SWEET.. AND BEAUTIFUL I LOVED/APPRECIATED IT SO MUCH IT MEANT SOOOO FUCKING MUCH TO ME GOSH

my thoughts of the movie can be boiled down to this: im so fucking happy this movie exists. 

im so fucking happy that a movie abt a gay kid learning to be confident in his sexuality, falling in love and getting to have a happy ending with his boyfriend exists.

ive never cried more at a movie than i did at this movie, and ive especially never cried harder out of sheer happiness for a movie. 

knowing that this movie was in theaters, and that gay kids/teens have a movie that lets them know early on that not only is gonna be ok, but they do have a chance at a happy ending, and they deserve it, was so goddamn amazing.

this movie is so, so important. and im so happy that it, and the book its based off of, exist. 

and it’s a prime example of why representation matters so much. it was so fucking amazing to see myself, as a gay person, represented so well, so thoughtfully, so respectfully. 

i just... i love this movie so much. and im so glad it exists. and im so happy i finally got to see it.

i hope it inspires more movies/stories like it to be made. 

i hope that it results in lgbt stories being happy, uplifting stories. 

i hope that it results in lgbt characters getting to be the main characters. 

i hope it results in coming out stories being about the lgbt characters, and not how them coming out affects the cishet characters around them. 

and i hope it results in less tragic endings for lgbt characters, and more happy endings for lgbt characters.

for a long time, a future where we get the stories just mentioned has seemed bleak. but this movie changed that. and im excited for the road i hope it’s started us on.

[arrowheadlodgerecovery]

Rehabilitation Arizona

What We DoRecovery GoalAlcoholism TreatmentOpioid & PainAre You a Functional Alcoholic? Problem Drinking Has Consequences – Even if Not Immediately Evident Arrowhead Lodge Recovery - Are You a Functional AlcoholicMedia images of ‘an alcoholic’ often feature heavily intoxicated individuals who unsteadily beg for money in parks to fuel their alcohol consumption.

This image of a ‘real alcoholic’ has become firmly entrenched in our shared cultural view. This view interferes with accurate assessment of problem drinking and alcohol abuse.

If alcohol consumption seems to be causing difficulties in your work life, personal life or family life – it may be time to consider that problem drinking is the cause. While it is estimated that only 10% of all problem drinkers receive treatment for alcohol use disorder – the sooner individuals enter alcohol recovery treatment and declare independence from alcohol – the better.

9 Red Flags of a Functional Alcoholic Functional Alcoholics have developed a high tolerance for alcohol consumption. High tolerance for alcohol consumption is often due to genetic factors; multi-generational drinking patterns should be examined. In the beginning, more than moderate alcohol consumption does not produce classic hangover symptoms. If one drink is good – two are better. Functional alcoholics can’t have just one or two drinks – and stop. After a period of time, memory loss and blacking out are common. Hiding alcohol use: Functional alcoholics often isolate themselves in a home office and drink; or claim to be ‘working late’. Not drinking causes severe anxiety. Good explanations for why they drink: work stress, home or relationship problems. Drinking heavily often perceived as an ‘entitlement’ for their hard work. At Least I’m Not Like Him! Arrowhead Lodge Recovery, Are you a Functional AlcoholicIn a 2007 study published by the National Institute of Health (NIH), Researchers Identify Alcoholism Subtypes, researchers found:  19.5 percent of U.S. alcoholics meet the criteria for the functional alcoholic sub-type.

The researchers found that individuals meeting the functional alcoholic sub-type are typically middle-aged and well-educated with stable jobs and families. About one-third have a multi-generational family history of alcoholism, about one-quarter had major depressive illness sometime in their lives, and nearly 50 percent were smokers.

‘Alcoholics have poor attendance at work’. ‘Alcoholics drink every day’. ‘Alcoholics are mostly old men’. ‘Alcoholics are usually homeless’. ‘Alcoholics are unable to do well in their careers’. ‘Alcoholics always drink in the morning’.

These are just a few of the stereotypes about alcoholics which are pervasive throughout society. These stereotypes increase denial and prevent many alcoholics from getting proper diagnosis and treatment.

A landmark study in 2007 by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism categorized alcoholics into 5 subtypes: only 9% are of the “chronic severe” subtype, fitting the stereotype of the low-bottom alcoholic. Other addiction experts estimate that between 75% and 90% of alcoholics are high-functioning. From Psychology Today, Characteristics of High-Functioning Alcoholics

Denial as a Fine Art Of course, active alcoholics love hearing about the worse cases, we cling to stories about them. Those are the true alcoholics: the unstable and the lunatic: the bum in the subway drinking from the bottle: the red-faced salesman slugging it down in a cheap hotel. Those alcoholics are always a good ten or twenty steps farther down the line than we are, and no matter how many private pangs of worry we harbor about our own drinking, they always serve to remind us that we’re ok, safe; in sufficient control. — Caroline Knapp, Drinking: A Love Story

Impact on the Family Arrowhead Lodge Recovery,-Mens Functional Alcoholism RecoveryBecause the alcoholic appears totally ‘fine’ to everyone else, there is no active support offered for the spouse and children of a high-functioning alcoholic.

To the outside world – the high functioning alcoholic looks ‘fine’. Even when there begin to be doubts about the possibility of drinking problems – coworkers, relatives and friends often enable abusive alcoholic behavior to continue by refusing to acknowledge and confront it.

What is a standard drink in the United States? A standard drink is equal to 14.0 grams (0.6 ounces) of pure alcohol. Generally, this amount of pure alcohol is found in

12 ounces of beer (5% alcohol content). 8 ounces of malt liquor (7% alcohol content). 5 ounces of wine (12% alcohol content). 1.5 ounces or a “shot” of 80-proof (40% alcohol content) distilled spirits or liquor (e.g., gin, rum, vodka, whiskey). Alcohol Consumption FAQs https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/faqs.htm

Is beer or wine safer to drink than liquor?

No. One 12-ounce beer has about the same amount of alcohol as one 5-ounce glass of wine or 1.5-ounce shot of liquor. It is the amount of alcohol consumed that affects a person most, not the type of alcoholic drink.

What does moderate drinking mean?

According to the Dietary Guidelines for Americans, moderate alcohol consumption is defined as having up to 1 drink per day for women and up to 2 drinks per day for men. This definition refers to the amount consumed on any single day and is not intended as an average over several days.

How to Get Help for Functional Alcoholism Arrowhead Lodge Recovery, Boomer Men's Rehab, Prescott AZArrowhead Lodge Recovery is a gender specific residential-only rehab for men, ages 30 and older; located in the beautiful, pristine mountains above Prescott, Arizona. We are accredited by The Joint Commission.

Mature Men’s Rehab for Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Opioid Addiction and Pain, Co-Occurring Disorders Arrowhead Lodge Recovery provides treatment for chronic alcoholism, opioid addiction with pain management and drug addiction; as well as treating co-occurring disorders. Each of our patients is given a comprehensive evaluation and assessment and has a unique personalized recovery plan.

Our average client is age 45-65+.

Arrowhead-Lodge-Recovery-Exterior-ViewsWe use an integrated multi-disciplinary addiction treatment approach implemented by licensed professionals. The Arrowhead Lodge Recovery Staff includes a Physician-Addictionologist, Addiction Psychiatrist, Physician Board Certified in Pain Medicine, Doctor of Clinical Psychology, Registered Nurse, several Licensed Therapists, and an addiction Nutritionist.

Mindfulness training, healthy exercise, nutritional counseling and education,  cognitive behavioral therapy and psychoeducation are a part of our treatment program. We have chosen to keep our facility small and staff to client ratio large. Each client receives individual therapy and counseling; as well as group therapy and counseling.

Chronic Alcoholism Treatment Program Arrowhead-Lodge-Recovery,Men's Rehab Group Therapy, Prescott AZThe experienced, licensed and accredited Arrowhead Lodge Recovery staff allows us to help men with chronic alcoholism for whom previous treatment attempts may have failed.

We assist our clients in finding their personal connection to the spiritual. Through years of experience, we believe in the power of spirituality in the addiction healing process. We assist our clients in discovering their unique path to living a more authentic and joyful life.

Our addiction recovery programs treat the whole person and include Mindfulness for recovery and relapse prevention.

Impaired Professionals Well-Being Program and EAP Programs We have an Impaired Professionals well-being program. If you are monitored by a board that oversees your professional license and requires an assessment, addiction treatment, or both – our Impaired Professionals Well-Being Program provides solutions.

We also have EAP Employee Assistance Programs.

Alcoholism Recovery Journey to Wholeness and Healing Arrowhead Lodge Recovery, Mens Rehab, Thumb Butte Trail

At our mountain retreat facility above Prescott, Arizona in Prescott National Forest – men find and strengthen inner peace, and experience tranquility.

We equip our clients with the depth and stability to handle all the curves and disappointments – as well as joys – in their regular daily lives once they leave Arrowhead Lodge Recovery.

Start your journey to alcohol recovery by contacting Arrowhead Lodge Recovery.

Your confidentiality is assured when you contact us.

Speak personally and privately with Executive Director Dr. Kenneth Chance at (888) 654-2800.

What We Do

Recovery Goal

Alcoholism Treatment

Opioid & Pain

Contact Us

Arrowhead Lodge Recovery

5113 Arrowhead Dr

Prescott, AZ 86305

Phone: 888-654-2800

Email: info@ArrowheadLodgeRecovery.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/arrowheadlodgerecovery/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Arowheadlodge/

Official Site: https://www.arrowheadlodgerecovery.com/