#which is fucking diabolical and very teenagery of me i know. but either of those options really seemed better than the present
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#every now and then i get a little resurgence of doubt over my gender where i convince myself that i'm in some sort of denial#but i've found that rereading judith butlers gender trouble genuinely is like an antidote to this. because like#once gender is a doing not a being it does not matter a single ounce what i “am” as long as what i “do” with gender makes me comfortable.#everything i CAN currently do (socially sartorially etc) feels like authentic presentation/performance#and everything i CAN'T currently do (surgical) is something i still yearn for + have done for years + hope for in the future.#like i used to go to bed praying i'd get breast cancer so i'd either have a legitimate reason for a mastectomy or die#which is fucking diabolical and very teenagery of me i know. but either of those options really seemed better than the present#so whichever way you spin it and whatever word you call it i fundamentally do not and cannot operate on default gender settings
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