#once college hit it felt like i was just too....idk. busy and stressed

[abra-ka-dammit]

i wanna read books but i just dont have the focus for it anymore. i cant help but start randomly thinking abt shit and then i realize my eyes had passed over the last 2 paragraphs without me actually processing the words.

audiobooks wont help bc i cant focus on sound either; i cant even listen to those popular D&D play podcasts without missing huge chunks bc i zoned out either doing something or again just randomly thinking abt other stuff, then i tune back in like wait wtf is going on now. if its a story i just cant seem to ingest it.

thats why i like shit like mbmbam where its just kinda dumb shit and jokes and bits and its like. ok if i lose focus ill miss some stuff but when my brain comes back at least ill be able to just pick up in a couple seconds without what i missed affecting it yknow. bc its not a cohesive story.

[hcsiqs]

hii could u write caitlin x reader where they used to date in hs but then they broke up and now years later they got back in touch and they have feelings again? pls and thank u

| feels like a fever, like i’m burning alive

• pairing: caitlin clark x ex!girlfriend

• summary: ^^

• warnings: erm angst? idk man

You had just placed the last box into the trunk of your dad’s car. Today was the day you’d be leaving to drive to South Carolina, a sixteen hour drive from Des Moines, Iowa to there.

When you had picked to go to USC you had never really realized how far away from your family and Caitlin you would be and it was all now just hitting you. You were gonna be in a brand new state without knowing anyone and you would have to make friends all over again.

You felt the tears form in your eyes as you closed the trunk and took time to notice that this would be the last moment you would get to be with Caitlin. Once you both had committed to college and recognized the seventeen hour travel distance, you knew that staying together wouldn’t be an option. With her busy basketball schedule and you being on the pre-med track, it was obvious that you wouldn’t be able to make time for each other. Especially since for you, traveling back home for holidays would be hard, which just meant you would only ever see your girlfriend over summer. You both decided it would cause too much stress for the both of you.

You used the back of your hand to wipe away the tears from your eyes before turning around and seeing the beautiful brunette standing there, hands in her hoodie pocket and her head adorned with the hood. You slowly walked over to her and as soon as you were in arms reach she pulled you in with all of her strength, causing you to slightly bounce back. Her hands wrapped around your shoulders, one of her hands gripping at the back of your neck, trying to savor the smell of you for one last moment. “Please don’t go,” she whispered, her voice breaking as her grip tightened.

“I have to,” your hands went under her hoodie, wrapping your arms around her bare waist.

“Please Y/N,” she begged and you could hear the sadness in her voice as her tears soaked your USC sweatshirt.

“I’m sorry baby,” you dropped your forehead into her shoulder, your arms pulling her stomach against your own leaving no room. You pulled back, your hands traveled up to her perfect face that now had tear stains covering it. “You’re gonna do amazing things at Iowa,” your thumb ran against her cheek.

“It won’t be worth it without you,” her lips formed into a deeper frown, attempting to stop herself from crying.

“Yes it will,” you nodded your head, “You’re gonna change the game, I know it,” you smiled, but your face still held all of the sadness you felt right on the barrier.

“I love you,” she sniffled, pulling you in once more.

“I love you more,” you squeezed her waist before hearing your dad call for you. You reluctantly pulled back and then placed a soft kiss on CC’s lips, tasting the salt from her tears. You then moved away from her, her hands lingering on your waist until you were out of reach and they fell to her side.

“We’re gonna be together again. Someday,” she spoke up as she watched you walk towards the car.

“I know,” you smiled sadly before getting into the backseat of the car. Your dad quickly pulled out of the driveway leaving Caitlin standing there in her Iowa Hawkeye sweatshirt.

From never ending classes, due to you taking them even in summer, you had been able to graduate earlier from USC and were now working as a medical intern for the Indiana Fever. Lucky for you Aliyah Boston had been drafted by them the same year and you two had developed a strong relationship as you were also a medical intern for the Gamecocks women’s basketball team during your college education.

And even though you worked for the WNBA you tried to stay out of the basketball scene, not paying much attention to it as you wanted to separate your life and work. So, while you had an idea of all the amazing things your ex girlfriend had accomplished during her college career you weren’t really too knowledgeable on it. You hadn’t even watched the draft so the first day back on the job you weren’t expecting to see Caitlin Clark walk through the doors. You had just finished going over basic medical history with the other rookies, Celeste Taylor and Leilani Correa.

“Hi I’m Dr. Y/L/N, but you can just call me Y/N,” you said to the person who walked in, not looking up from your work just yet.

“I’m pretty sure I already know your name,” a familiar voice entered your ears making you look up so fast you swore you could have given yourself whiplash. You felt your heart freeze as you looked at the girl in front you, wearing all Fever practice clothes. You blinked hard several times to make sure this wasn’t just some cruel prank your brain was playing on you.

“Caitlin,” your voice trailed off as you stood up to look at her. She looked the same since the last time you saw her, but also didn’t at the same time. Her muscles were more prominent, her hair long and now changed to a middle part, but she still had that same smile on her face that you had fallen in love with when you were a teenager.

“Miss me?” she asked, even though it had the most obvious answer. You stood up from your chair tackling her in a hug. Her skin was just as soft as you had remembered it being and her embrace was just as warm. It really was Caitlin standing in front of you.

“I didn’t know you got drafted here!” you revealed, stepping back to look at the tall girl in front of you.

“First pick,” she smiled, and your hands slapped to your face. She let out a noise that you had missed hearing all these years, her laugh.

“I’m so proud of you Cait,” you beamed and you felt yourself wanting to slip back into that past state of you two. Wanting to just pull her in for a kiss and never let go. “So how's everything going? Dating anyone?” you asked, but then immediately wanted to slap yourself in the face for asking that.

Caitlin awkwardly coughed into her hand before answering, “Um yeah I’m dating this guy I met at Iowa,” she answered, her eyes falling to the floor like she wanted to melt into it.

“Oh cool, cool,” you nodded, walking back to your little desk to sit back down at.

“Yeah,” she nodded her head, walking over to the chair across from the desk, “How bout you? You dating?”

“Um no,” you shook your head, “So! Let’s get into this medical history,” you so desperately wanted to change the topic.

“Right, yeah,” Caitlin agreed, sitting down in the chair.

It had now been three months since Caitlin had joined the W and she somehow always found a way to get into your office during a practice even if she didn’t need to be there. Your guy’s connection had immediately come back, almost like y’all hadn’t been separated for those four years of college.

And as you had spent these months together, you noticed those familiar feelings rise once again. Your heart always started beating faster when she was near and you found yourself unable to think sometimes just because her green eyes were looking at you. And now you would be sharing a hotel room during All Star Weekend in Arizona because she had decided to take you as her plus one.

She had broken up with her boyfriend only a couple weeks ago, so you figured that’s why your emotions and feelings were going crazy every time you looked at her, just because there was even a slight possibility that you could be back together.

The All Star game had just ended and Caitlin was running your way, emotionally high on the win she had just gotten against the USA olympic team. She practically crushed you as she brought you into the tightest hug.

“Almost broke Sue’s record,” you giggled into her ear.

“Almost,” she pulled back. Her eyes scanned your whole face, glancing at your lips a little too long here and there.

“So, what does this All Star wanna do tonight?” you asked, a smile tugging at your lips.

“Go back to the hotel,” she smiled.

“Really? I thought you’d wanna go out?” your eyebrows knitted together as you looked up at her.

“I just wanna hang out with you,” she smiled and placed a kiss on your forehead before being called over by the WNBA team to take pictures to celebrate their win. But once she was done with photos and media, as well as had gotten her stuff from the locker room she had the two of you get into a car to drive you back to the hotel.

“To you and all your amazing accomplishments,” you giggled, holding up a shot that was in the back of the car. Caitlin did the same, you two clinked them together before downing them and then a few more after. And once the car came to a park, the two of you sluggishly got out of the car and stumbled your way back to your room.

Once inside Caitlin dropped all her bags to the floor and her hands found your hips, pushing you against the door. “I really wanna kiss you,” she whispered against your lips.

“Please,” you nodded eagerly. Her lips crashed against your own, your hands pulling her face closer to yours as her body pinned you against the hotel door. There was literally no space between the two of you, both so hungry for one another. CC pulled back to take a breath but before she could go back in for another kiss you stopped her, “I’ve missed this so much.”

“Me too baby, me too,” she smiled, bringing you into another deep kiss, her hands going under your top. “So much,” she smiled against your lips and walked you over to the bed.

allies corner

this is lowkey long and i can’t tell if it’s trash or not

[yikeslads]

A Relaxing Evening - Yandere Sero Hanta x Reader

Trigger Warnings! - 18+ only. Non Con (sex and non con drug use). If this bothers you p l e a s e do not read this fic! You are responsible for your own consumption and this is your official warning. Also they smoke a lot of weed in this but I don’t think that really needs a warning but idk

Author’s Note: Hey guys! Long time no see (please don’t kill me, I’ve been hella busy). I’ve started my last year at university so I am super thrilled about that, just turned 21, and I have spent my entire summer working full time. But enough about me, I’m sure everyone is dealing with a ton with the pandemic plus whatever they have. Anyways, I will be doing my best to update more! I have a WIP that should be released soon (i only have like 400 words left) so that should be fun. 

Big big big big thanks to @yanderart ! If you don’t know recognize the name, she is a phenomenal artist (both in visual and literary works, an icon) who shares the yandere/dark love. Thank you SO much for your super helpful edits/comments/encouragement with this <3 

Also thanks to @opheliadawnwalker3 for the advice to start small when getting back into the writing game! I took that to heart and tried to keep it shorter this time and helped me get this out so thank you!

And thanks to @rat-suki @weebsinstash @drxwsyni because I have definitely binged all of y’alls content and used the immaculate yandere vibes you write as inspo so thank you <3 

Now let’s get started!

It was eerily silent in the hallway as your feet made their way to their destination through the mostly abandoned college dormitory. Your mind was so preoccupied with the many thoughts that demanded your attention that you weren’t paying attention to where you were going. Not that it mattered. You had made this walk so many times, you could find your way even if you were blindfolded and hammered, that you were allowed to fully slip into your thoughts without having to worry. Before long you were standing in front of a very familiar door, the only one in the hallway with light peaking through the crack at the bottom. Music could clearly be heard through it, Jimi Hendrix’s singing the only sound of human life that you had encountered during your entire walk over here.

It took you a moment to snap out of your thoughts and come back to reality and notice that you were already standing at your destination. Clearing your throat awkwardly at the realization, you raised your arm and knocked solidly on the door to be heard above the music and waited as patiently as you could for an answer.

From behind the door you could hear someone swear, causing a small smirk to rise on your face, along with the sound of some rustling. A few moments later the door cracked open a bit as the familiar raven haired male peaked into the hallway, a bright smile pulling at his lips as he  regarded you.

“Well this is a pleasant surprise!” Sero chirped, opening the door all the way, seeing that it was only you standing in the hallway. “What can I do for ya, sunshine?”

His cheery, warm response to your presence unknowingly brought a small smile to your face, a needed break from your tense, concentrated expression you had been wearing when Sero first opened the door.

“Sorry to bother you, Sero,” you began, stuffing your hands into the pockets of the jacket you were wearing to stop you from wringing them anxiously. “I’ve just been really stressed with final exams and choosing which agency I want to officially sign for and… it’s just been a lot.” As you explained, Sero’s face softened slightly as he listened intently to your words, not liking the fact that you were so stressed.

“Anyway,” you continued with a chuckle, bringing yourself back onto the subject, “I was wondering if you had any of your stash left that I could buy from you? I know I bought from you a little while ago, but I’ve been more stressed out than I can handle,” you admitted, hoping that Sero might still have some weed hidden away in his room somewhere that you could use.

It was a little into sophomore year of college that you found out that your classmate, Sero, was a bit of a stoner. And as someone going through the hero course, you are understandably dealing with a lot of stress. So what’s wrong with smoking a little Mary J every once in a while to relax, right? Or at least that’s what you told yourself when you first asked Sero if you could buy weed from him. Ever since then he had been your personal plug, but over time, you two became close friends. “I think you might be in luck, sunshine, I think I have some on reserves. Come on in,” he welcomed, and you crossed the threshold without a second thought. As you stepped inside and took off your shoes, a large but gentle arm carefully looped around your shoulders, gently pulling you into the tall man’s side as you led you to the couch and sat you down on the soft fabric in front of his laptop that was open and had various work assignments in different windows.

“Tell ole Sero what’s troubling you,” Sero propositioned as he moved to his desk, opening a drawer and grabbing his needed paraphernalia as he waited for you to begin speaking. He settled down next to you on the couch, pulling the small table holding the laptop in front of you a little closer as he set down his bong, and pulled out his grinder and began the process of loading you a bowl.

You were about to begin venting, but you paused as you took in the sight of Sero wordlessly working for your benefit, and you pulled your wallet out of your jacket pocket after a few seconds. “Sorry, before I forget, how much do I owe you?” You asked, opening your wallet and beginning to pull out a few bills. You didn’t get far though, as a warm hand covered yours, drawing your eyes to meet his black ones. He gave you a boyish smile and shook his head at you, giving a small laugh. “No way, sunshine. You need a little break, this one is on me,” he offered with a grin. You were hesitant for a few moments, not seemingly convinced that you should let him give you part of his stash for free. The potential feeling of guilt ebbed away as Sero’s warm smile never faltered, kindness seemingly exuding from his every pore. What was the harm, right? Nodding, you gingerly took the loaded bong from his large, calloused hands into your own smaller ones.

“Alright,” you agreed thoughtfully as you mirrored his smile, “but I want you to smoke with me. It’s no fun getting high alone,” you countered to which you could almost see Sero’s eyes sparkle in response at your words.

“I would be happy to,” he assured, never one to miss out on the chance to smoke, especially with you, but you added one more condition.  

“And,” you drawled, his eyes never leaving your face as he waited patiently for you to continue. “Whatever food we order when we are stoned off our asses is on me.”

A soft chuckle resonated from Sero’s chest as he nodded along to your stipulation, finding no qualm with having the promise of food.

“Deal,” he agreed, and with that you went to take your first bong hit of the evening.

~~~~~~~~~~

Your sides ached as you tried to force yourself to stop laughing, but your efforts seemed trivial as Sero laughed just as hard, if not harder, alongside you as you finished Sero’s favorite flick, Scott Pilgrim vs the World. It felt so good to let go and really laugh, it had started to feel like it had been too long. Time seemed a distant concept to you at the moment, as nothing from the outside world weighed on you as you merrily enjoyed your high with Sero.

Your eyes were pink from smoking, little tears forming at the base of your lower eyelashes as you gasped for breath as your laughing fit began to subside. You don’t even remember what you had been laughing about exactly, but you couldn’t really bring yourself to care. Your attention was brought back to Sero as he began to rise from his spot beside you on the couch, your eyes following his lazy movements as the movie credits began to roll.

“I’m getting a bit of cottonmouth,so why don’t I get us some drinks while you choose something else for us to watch?” Sero offered to which you agreed, lazily beginning to scroll through the other titles that were currently available on Netflix as Sero made his way over to the little kitchen he had equipped.

“Thirsty for anything in particular?” You heard his voice call out to you, but you didn’t take your eyes off the laptop screen, still searching for another flick to watch.

“Just water would be fantastic,” was your response as you searched through the comedy section, knowing that Sero preferred comedies.

A few moments later, Sero had returned to your side, a glass of water in one hand for you and a soda can for him in his other hand. Thanking him as you gently took it from his hands, you took the glass and raised it to your lips. Taking large sips, reveling in the cool feeling of the water flowing over your tongue and to the back of your throat, you failed to notice a pair of eyes watch your every movement adoringly.

“Wanna take another hit?” Sero asked as you finished taking a drink, setting down the mostly empty glass back down on the table.

You hummed in thought at his question, before nodding, a small giggle escaping your lips, “What’s one more hit, right?”

Sero, the practiced stoner he is, had another bowl set up for you ready to go in what seemed like seconds, graciously handing you the now loaded bowl. Gently taking it from his hands and placing it in the bong, you fired up the lighter and took a huge hit.

A h u g e hit. It was a little larger than you had meant, but being high had made your judgement a little empaired. You coughed a bit as you expelled the wave of smoke from your lungs, waving your hands as Sero laughed.

Your cheeks flushed slightly with embarrassment at Sero laughing as you tried to regain your composure. “S-Stop laughing!” You cried, setting the bong back down, but Sero just shook his head.

“I can’t help it, sunshine. Seeing you not being able to take that hit is hilarious,” he continued to laugh, as your cheeks burned warmer at his words.

“Its not my fault that I don’t have your iron lungs,” you mocked, picking up your glass once more and finishing the contents in an attempt stop your coughing fit. “Not all of us are stoners.”

A small gasp tore from Sero’s throat, as he held a hand to his chest, pretending to be surprised by your words. “Me? A stoner? How could you even say such a thing?” He asked, shooting you a kicked puppy look which just made you giggle in return, your head feeling a little fuzzy from the extra hit.  

“Oh don’t be a baby,” patting the spot next to you, you flashed Sero a loopy smile, “come on, lets watch another movie,” you countered to which Sero agreed to, settling back down in his spot beside you. You reached forward, setting your now empty glass next to the laptop and hit play on the movie, before moving back into the cushions. Your body began to feel heavier as  you gingerly leaned into Sero’s side, who in return wrapped his arm around your shoulders and gently tugged you a little closer to his chest as the intro finished and the movie began.  

You weren’t long into the movie before you were struggling to keep your eyes opened. You shifted slightly, trying to force yourself to wake up, but the more that the time wore on, the harder it became to stay awake.

It wasn’t more than twenty minutes into the film before you were out cold, your deep and even breathing soft in Sero’s ear as your tired figure slept against his shoulder.

“Sunshine,” Sero whispered, tentatively placing a hand on your knee and gently shaking you. He watched your face carefully for any sign of rousing, but your breathing continued at its deep, even, undisturbed pace. An eager smile danced across Sero’s visage at your lack of response, his heart pounding in his chest in excitement. Wrapping his strong arms around your pliable person, Sero gently maneuvered your sleepy shape to be laying on your back, tummy up, the skirt you had worn riding up on your thighs as your leg lay limply, slightly apart.

Sero took a moment just watching you, drinking in all of your beauty. You looked so sweet and vulnerable asleep on Sero’s couch defenseless. He gazed at your unconscious body oh so lovingly as you lay completely helpless to the danger that lurks around you. It makes Sero’s heart squeeze in his chest in realization that you need him. You needed him to protect you and Sero would happily be your knight in shining armour.

“Her knight in shining honor”, Sero thought to himself merrily, infatuated with protecting his little ray of sunshine. His fingers began to skim the skin of your thighs, slowly pushing your skirt up higher and higher. Shouldn’t your knight get a little reward for his services? Sero certainly thought so, afterall it was only fair that he get to enjoy his sunshine in return for all he does for you.

Sero’s breath caught in his throat at the sight of your black laced panties, skirt bunched up past your hips, leaving your panty clad intimate parts exposed for his greedy eyes. There were no such things as imperfection to Sero when it came to you. All of your little bumps, blemishes, and things you didn’t like about yourself were all things that Sero adored about you. It's what made you you, and he simply ached to worship you.

Hungry hands hooked fingers into your panties, swiftly pulling the soft material down your supple skin in earnest. A groan tore from Sero’s throat at the sight of sticky, clear strings sticking from the fabric to your little treasure.

Fuck was he glad he slipped you an aprodiasic alongside the sleeping pills. Seeing your hole already wet and begging for his attention had his pants quickly tenting uncomfortably. He could not wait to get started.

Moving quickly and silently, he settled himself on his stomach between your thighs, carefully placing your thighs over his shoulders. His starved stare meets your slick slit and he couldn’t stop himself from licking a stripe up your lips, moaning at the delicious taste of your essence. His eyes flickered back to your face where he found you still sound asleep, unaware of reality.

“Perfect”, he thought to himself at your unconscious state, “just like last time.”

Confident in his security, Sero began to feast on your unprotected pussy, his tongue swiping through your folds as he drank every ounce of you in. His eyes almost rolled into the back of his head at your taste as if he was tasting the most divine thing ever created. He couldn’t seem to get enough as his hands encased your thighs, hungrily pulling your closer to his famished mouth. Your breath quickened in pace at Sero’s ministrations but the sleeping pills kept you nestled peacefully in between complete unconsciousness and your dreams, deep asleep. It seemed almost as if Sero had been eating you out for hours when he had finally come up for air, sucking in deep gulps of air into his lungs greedily.  He knelt in front of your vulnerable body, lips and chin shiny with your slick as he slipped a finger into your heat, quickly followed by another as he gently began to scissor your walls apart. Your warmth gushed around his fingers as he worked you open for him, using his free hand to slip down to his belt and make quick work of that before tugging his boxers and pants down. His cock now free of confinement slapped against his abs before he gently removed his fingers from your heat. Your juices completely soaked his hand as he brought it to his cock, using your wetness to get him slick for you. He watched your sleepy face as he stroked himself, his bottom lip caught between his lip as he intently drank in your features. With both of your bodies prepped, patience grew thin, so he tilted his hips down, nudging your dripping entrance with his plush tip, your legs lazily spread and looped loosely around his hips.

Slipping himself between your folds, Sero took a deep breath before pressing himself into your warm, wet, tight cavern. He didn’t stop slowly driving his cock into your twitching heat until he became fully sheathed inside your awaiting pussy. He groaned softly at the feeling of his cock being encased by your velvet walls, his eyes never leaving your face as he adjusted to the delicious feeling you were giving him. After a few moments of adjustment, Sero pulled his hips back, feeling his manhood drag against your plush walls, a soft moan escaping your sleeping shape as you stirred slightly in your hazy state. Once you settled and he was positive you were going to stay asleep, he drove his hips forward into your cunt his eyes moving away from your face and down to where his cock was buried deep inside of you. The erotic sight of you being fucked by his cock kicked him into gear as he soon found a steady rhythm as he pounded into you.

With every thrust of his hip, your cream coated his silken rod, making Sero almost feral with the sight. It took every ounce of self control he had to not fuck you the way you deserved, the way you needed him, but he couldn’t risk having you wake up during your little relaxation session. It took every ounce of self control that he possessed to keep himself from fucking you silly, but with plans for the pair of you in the future, he was willing to wait to rock your world for when you were awake and in more of a … receptive position to receive the full force of his love for you.  

It wasn’t long before Sero found himself reaching his end, much to his displeasure, but he knew it wouldn’t be long until he was able to get to do this again. He always made excuses to get the two of you alone, for “purely innocent reasons” according to your knowledge. He couldn’t help it! He loved you too much, and he needed to get his fix.

“F-Fuck,” he moaned as he fucked himself into your pussy, panting softly as he drew close to his completion. “You feel so good, sunshine. You were made for my fucking cock, shit,” he swore, his thrusts becoming increasinly sloppy. He pulled himself out before he came, hips hovering over yours as his hand frantically worked his length trying to finish himself off.

“Fuck yes!” Sero growled as he came, hot white, sticky ropes of cum decorating your glistening pussy as he furiously worked his hand over his cock. “God, love you so much,” he groaned as he finished,  hovering over you as he caught his breath. His eyes watched as his cum dripped down your pussy, becoming entangled with your own juices. Without skipping a beat, Sero reached over and grabbed his phone, taking a quick snapshot of your fucked out pussy covered in his essence and saved it in a secret gallery of pictures he kept of you. He needed to add to the collection, something to help tide him over until the next time. Setting his phone back down, he leaned over you and gently kissed you, like a lover would, savoring your lips while you were still asleep. Breaking the kiss, he gazed lovingly down at you, gently playing with a strand of your hair. He wished this moment would never end, but he knew that he had to get going, sighing softly to himself.

It was time to start up the cleaning process.

~~~~~~~~~~

A phone ringing caused you to stir from your deep slumber, a deep yawn escaping your lips as you stretched your stiff body from sleeping on the couch. You rubbed your eyes slightly as you woke up, before you took in the room before you. You saw Sero back turned to you as he spoke in hushed tones over the phone, hearing Bakugo’s voice grunting something to him over the phone about working out later that day. You glanced around the room as you yawned again, slightly confused as to how you got here before remembering coming over to Sero’s place the previous night after being really stressed and wanting to take a break. It wasn’t long until Sero finished his phone call, turning back to your and finding you awake, looking back at him.

“Sorry,” Sero began, rubbing the back of his neck, “I didn’t mean to wake you,” he apologized sheepishly with a small smile, taking in your figure.

“It’s no worries,” you hum out sleepily finding yourself naturally returning his smile. “Did I pass out last night?” You asked, not fully remembering what had happened after that last bong hit.

“Yeah! You fell asleep about maybe half way through the first movie? I don’t remember exactly when, I was paying too much attention to the movie,” he lied smoothly, your face showing telltale signs of embarrassment at having fallen asleep during the movie. Especially in Sero’s room after having come to his room for a favor. How could you ask to hang out with someone then fall asleep on them!”

“Oh… Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you like that,” you laughed a little uneasy, but Sero was quick to reassure you. “Don’t worry about it! You said yourself that you were stressed out of your mind, and it seemed that you needed to give yourself some rest. No need to apologize,” Sero soothed you easily, a smile returning to your face as you nodded. He almost felt bad lying to your face, but this was just more proof that you needed him! He had placed all your clothes back on properly, cleaned up the mess last night and you were none the wiser! Your lack of realization of what had happened, though it pleased Sero to know he got away with his little love session, cemented your need for him in Sero’s mind.  

“Well will you let me buy you coffee as a thanks for letting me crash? We can study together at that cafe near the gym if you want? ” You offered, wanting to express your gratitude to your friend, who graciously accepted your idea, pleased to spend more time with you.

“Now that sounds like a good idea,” he chirped, quick to pack up his things in his backpack and get ready to go.

The sun was rising slowly from the horizon, fluffy white clouds moving lazily across the sky, as the two of you walked to the cafe together. The birds sang so sweetly as the pair of you made your way, but their songs meant nothing to Sero, too entranced with your own sweet voice as you chattered happily with him about whatever came to mind.

Opening the door for you once the pair of you arrived, you flashed him a sweet smile in response before stepping inside the warm coffee shop. The smile you gave, to him, was brighter than the sun, warmer than the core of the Earth, and he realized he needed it. Just like you need his protection, he needs you, his sunshine, to bring warmth into his life and make him whole. With your back to him, browsing the menu of its many drink options, you failed to notice the pair of eyes drinking in every inch of your form with intense infatuation. You had no idea the danger that lurked behind those kind eyes, and unfortunately for you, you didn’t notice that Sero’s friendliness was more until too late.  

[problematicfavesareproblematic]

Our First Defeat

Chapter 1: You’ve Cut Me to the Bone

Uh, oh- guess what time it is? That’s right chicks, dicks, and everyone in betwix(t)....

It’s ‘another series that should’ve just been a straightforward one shot’ time!!!!

This is probably going to be at least a four parter, so buckle up buttercups.

Warnings: Smut, infidelity, oral, cum play, longing, ANGST, Lewis being a shitty husband to Katherine, run-on sentences, feels, probably OOC Nixy-poo, childhood f2l mention, mentions of prom sex so underage I guess(?), potty words, rich people parties, reader is tipsy when they boink but so is Nix and it’s pre-established desire so idk man

Special thanks to @sunsetmando​ for being my constant idea sounding board and cheerleader and to @liebgotttme​ and @mrsalwayswrite​ for their unfalteringly supportive praise despite my constant self-inflicted shit talking!

Title and chapter names will come from the first defeat by noah gundereson

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Say what you wanted to about Doris and Stan Nixon, but they sure threw one hell of a party.

 Waiters in sharp suits, sparkling crystal glasses filled with golden champagne, marble floors polished to a near reflective shine- nothing but the very best for the engagement party for Mrs. Nixon’s baby boy.

If your heart hadn’t already become calloused from heartbreak, you probably would burst into tears.

You’d known the Nixons all of your life, and with Nixon being a year and a half your senior and his younger sister being three years your junior, the three of you had little choice to become anything other than close. Even when Lewis had grown old enough to get sick of girls and their games of dress up and make-believe, you and he still managed to get along.

 You were both the oldest children in your families, and for a while you had also attended the same advanced reading course offered by your private elementary school’s librarian. Your shared love of books had bonded you nearly as much as your shared birth orders, and it wasn’t uncommon for your parents to find you both nose deep in one of your father’s large tomes of mythology.

 It surprised no one that the two of you became close as you got older. 

What did strike both of your families as odd was just how close you two stayed- especially when you both started attending your respective boy’s and girl’s boarding schools. You’d been each other’s penpals, school dance dates, and summer trip companions.

 After your Junior prom, you’d lost your virginities to each other after polishing off two bottles of lethally strong port wine. Nixon, sex-drunk and just plain old drunk-drunk, had insisted that he’d done ‘other things’ with girls- that he wasn’t really a virgin but he’d yet to actually do the act. 

As if he was worried that you’d make fun of him.

 As if you’d think less of him for it.

 Of course, things had changed once college came around.

He became busy with his studies, and you had thrown yourself into attaining your nursing credentials. He’d gotten a fair share of girlfriends and you’d had a few relationships of your own.

 When your families would get together for holidays and birthdays, the two of you would inevitably sneak off and fuck until one of you decided that someone was going to notice your absences.

 Then, after rejoining everyone else for an appropriately deemed amount of time, you’d rush off again to repeat the cycle. Sex with Lewis was everything you’d been told you shouldn't want- hard and desperate and just left of dirty but God did you love it. You loved the way your bodies fit together, the way his breath felt on your neck as he held onto you so tightly that you thought he might leave bruises. The way he kissed you as if he were drinking the air from your lungs, like he needed your lips in order to breathe, to live.

 More than anything, you loved the ease that existed between you two- the way you both helped the other redress and how he would take your face in his hands and call you sweet things as he gave you languid kisses before giving you a wicked grin and guiding you both back to the party.

 It wasn’t ideal, and more often than not you’d feel hollow again after a few days, but your trysts with Lew were the closest thing you had to a consistent relationship.

 When Pearl Harbor happened, you’d made the decision to enlist as a field nurse. Nixon had begun to attend an Officer’s school, so you’d already started to resign yourself to the fact that this fling of yours could never be anything more than just that, a fling. Apparently he had, too.

 You’d felt like you had been punched in the stomach when you heard about Katherine.

 He hadn’t even told you that he was seriously seeing someone, let alone considering marrying anyone.

It had hurt more than you wanted to admit.

How you managed to keep a straight face when his mother proudly told you and your mother about the engagement, you’ll never know.

 All you did know was that he’d made a choice, and it wasn’t you.

And you had to get over it.

 Even so, it had still taken both your mother and your father to convince you to come to this party tonight. Your brother and sister had been allowed to stay home- they were still considered too young to attend such frivolous events. 

Lucky bastards.

 But you’d let your mother dress you in a velvet gown of indigo-violet decorated with rhinestones across the bodice and sleeves, allowed your younger sister to braid your hair in a halo around your head (despite your mother’s plea for you to wear it in a more fashionable and mature style) and even gotten a grumble of a compliment from your sulking teenage brother and greeted the Nixon’s with the same amount of warmth you always had.

 If nothing else, finishing school had taught you well when it came to hiding your true feelings.

 Katherine was the most beautiful woman you’d ever seen, her hair shiny and her skin perfect and her body curvy and tight in all the right places. Her sky blue dress draped across her form perfectly, as if it had been made for her.

Her hands were graceful and delicate- the perfect canvas for the huge diamond ring Nix had bestowed upon her.

 To make matters worse? You liked her.

She was smart and well-spoken, with a habit of interrupting someone mid-sentence but that wasn’t enough to make you dislike her.

 “Lew’s sung your praises for years,” Katherine had smiled smally after you’d introduced yourself to her. “it’s wonderful to finally put a face to the name….”

“It’s all lies, most likely,” you assured with a grin, a sudden realization hitting you. “Speaking of Little Lew—”

Katherine rolls her eyes and offers a conspiratory whisper.

“Pretty sure he’s stress smoking somewhere upstairs. I’ve been trying to get him to quit—”

You snort at that. “Then you are far braver than most, and you have my respect.”

 You look over your shoulder, frowning as you took in the scene.

Turning back to Katherine, you give her a nod.

“I’ll hurry him along,” you murmur softly. “Drag him down by the ear if I’ve got to—”

“Consider my respect earned in kind, then.”

Sharing a smile, you politely excuse yourself and slip away up the stairs.

 You had a feeling that you knew exactly where Nix was hiding.

~

The formal library was dark wood and warm leather, with deep seats and cigar smoke stained books that sat on shelves so high that even the tallest man needed to utilize the built-in ladder to reach the top.

As children, you and Lewis had spent countless hours reading of far-away lands and exotic adventures, darting back and forth between whatever book you’d decided on and the grand globe by the window to trace your fingers over countries neither of you would probably ever actually visit.

This room held your sweetest memories, as well as some of your racier ones.

 Finding Lewis in here was only fitting.

 He looked unbearably handsome- sat on the windowsill with the wind fluttering his hair across his forehead while the moon lit up his profile and made him look like some exquisite marble statue.

The cigarette between his lips reminded you of all the times he’d smoke after fucking you, the way he’d exhale the smoke into your parted lips before kissing you so deeply your toes would curl.

 “I could get used to this,” he’d said, after one of your last trysts.

“What, smoking yourself to death in your dad’s library?”

He’d shot you a glare before attacking your neck with kisses that left you giggling from how they tickled your skin.

“No, Smartass,” Lewis said as he nudged your nose with his, a lazy smile clear on his face when he lifted his head away from you enough to meet your eyes. “This, with you. Not having to rush off before your mom comes looking for you. It’s nice….”

 That felt like a lifetime ago.

 “If you frown at the moon any longer,” you call out, smirking at the way he startles before realizing it’s just you. “You’re gonna get a wrinkle before all the wedding photos.”

 He shoots you a look, shaking his head before turning to stub out the cigarette in the silver ashtray.

“Not even gonna lull me into a false sense of security before giving me shit, huh?”

With a practiced ease, he gently slides the window back into place and locks it, fanning the lingering wafts of smoke from around his face before turning to fully face you.

 A familiar smile crosses his face that has you rolling your eyes.

“Well, I’ve gotta get all I can out of my system- now that you’ve gone and replaced me.”

 With another withering look, Lew comes up and kisses your cheek before wrapping an arm around your shoulders and another around your waist to lower you into a dipped hug.

 “Hey now,” he grumbles into the shell of your ear, his breath tickling your neck and causing you to shiver. “I think you’re underestimating your talents if you think anyone can fling smartass comments my way better than you- oh!”

 Twisting you back up so you’re both standing, he pushes the door to the library closed to get to the bookshelf behind it. 

 With curiosity, you watch him pull a book from the shelf and present it to you with a flourish.

“A gift for you, my lady.”

 Rolling your eyes, you take the book in your hands and peer at the cover.

 You recognize the title immediately as a Poirot mystery, a grin breaking across your lips as you realize it’s one of your favorites- a collection of short stories featuring the Belgian detective and Captain Hastings.

 As you open the book, you suck in a breath when you see the scrawl of Agatha Christie’s signature across the title page, and upon further inspection, you realize it’s a first edition.

 “Holy shit, Lew…” you whisper, running your fingertip across the indents in the paper her heavy-handed scrawl. “Where’d this come from? How’d you know….?”

 Looking up at Lewis again, you are slightly embarrassed by the amused expression on his face, deciding to look back down rather than acknowledge how clearly he was watching your reaction.

 “Well,” he begins, stepping behind you to squeeze your shoulders. “It came from a bookshop, believe it or not—”

 “Lewis—”

 “And as for the how….Blanche told me in one of her letters.”

 That gives you pause again- the reminder that you and he hadn’t written anything to each other in quite some time.

 Clearing your throat, you set the book down on one of the desks and bring a hand up to rest over one of his. “That’s very…..thank you.”

 You feel him press a quick peck to the crown on your head, something you were fine with until you left the pressure of his lips lingering there.

 “I hope, uh…hoped you’d also take it as a sort of, er- peace offering, of sorts….”

 You feel your shoulders tense at that. The blood in your veins suddenly feels cold and dead.

You’d hoped he wouldn’t do anything like this- wouldn’t bring any of this up.

 “I’m sure I don't know what you’re talking about—”

“Yes you do.”

 Sucking in a sharp breath through your nose, you turn around to face him. 

 “There’s nothing to offer peace for,” it’s taking more effort than you like to keep your voice even. “What you do with your life is none of my business.”

 “It doesn’t change the fact that you should’ve heard about it from me,” he says quietly, and as his breath fans across your face you can pick up the sweet bite of whiskey beneath the smell of cigarette smoke. “That was….I should’ve been the one to tell you—”

 “I don’t see why you felt you had to.” You give him a tight smile, working hard to keep yourself from scowling. “It’s not like we made any promises to each other….which I thought was the whole appeal of me, if I’m being honest.”

 Lewis brings his hands up to brush against your jaw, the unexpectedly soft touch making you shudder before you can stop yourself

 “You’ve got to have known that I’ve been in love with you since we were kids, Y/N—”

 “Don’t say that,” you hiss under your breath, biting the insides of your lip and shaking your head. “That’s unfair, you can’t do this- it’s wildly unfair to Katherine, it’s not fair to me—”

 Lewis scoffed at that, a rueful smirk twisting his face as he let his eyes trail down your face.

 “‘Unfair’....what’s unfair is asking me to go down there and pretend like everything’s hunky-dory when you’re here, looking like everything I’ve ever wanted in my goddamned life and expecting me to act like I wasn’t wishing you were on my arm instead—”

 “Jesus Christ, Lewis, that’s enough—” you cross your arms across your chest as you step back out of his touch and turn to look at the wall of books. “What’s the matter with you? I’ve always known you could be an asshole, but this is cruel, even for you—”

 “How am I being an asshole?” he snaps, taking your shoulders and turning you back to face him, his frown deep and imploring. “Because I’m being honest? Huh? ‘Cause I’m telling you the truth—?”

 “Because you’re telling me the truth now!” you say venomously, letting your own face morph into a scowl. “Tonight, the fucking night where we’re all here to celebrate you and Katherine getting married! You can’t just expect me to not respect that—”

 “What if I told you I didn’t even want to marry her—?”

“Lower your voice!”

 You don’t realize how close you’ve gotten to each other until you accidentally scuff your toes against the side of his polished shoe, something that shocks you out of your anger like a cold splash of water.

 His cheeks are rosy with both drink and frustration, and you’re pretty sure that your face is flushed as well. Closing your eyes, you sigh and hang your head.

 “If you didn’t want this,” you say a bit more calmly. “Then why did you ask her in the first place?”

 You startle slightly at the feeling of him taking your hand, opening your eyes to watch him bring it to his clean-shaven cheek and hold it there. His eyes look tired, sad almost.

 “Because I’m being shipped out soon,” he sighs heavily, twisting his head enough to press a kiss to your palm as the air whooshes out of your lungs in a pained sigh. “Because it’s what’s expected of me.”

Meeting your hesitant gaze, he offers a sad little smile and a shrug.

“Because it couldn’t be you, I didn’t really care who it was—” 

 Quickly, you take back control of the hand he’s holding and put your fingertips gently over his lips, your throat feeling tight at the admission.

“Don’t,” you whisper shakily. “Don’t finish that sentence….”

 Taking your hand again, he moves it away from his mouth.

 “Why not?” he says back just as quietly, eyes scanning your face. “Am I being an asshole?”

 You shake your head, chest tightening as you take in his confession. “You’re breaking my heart all over again.”

 He nods, his jaw clenching as he studies you. “I keep doing that, don’t I?”

 When you don’t show any sign of amusement at his comment, he encourages you to wrap an arm around his neck as he pulls you into another borderline inappropriate embrace. A hug that was better suited for two lovers rather than two friends grieving a future that was entirely hypothetical.

 His lips press to the side of your throat, inhaling the smell of your skin deeply and slowly.

“I don’t mean to,” he whispers, splaying his large hand across the small of your back. “I really want you to know that.”

 You stay silent, focusing all of your energy into not crying.

 Even if he had asked you to marry him, you would’ve had to say no.

Married women were unwelcome in all branches of military nursing- and you had worked too hard to ever consider giving that dream up.

Not even for Lewis Nixon….although you probably would’ve thought about it harder.

 “I sometimes wish we’d never kissed,” you say with emotion in your voice, letting him hold you even closer at your hushed admission. “I wish I didn’t care about you, then we wouldn’t have to be like this…”

 “I don’t,” he mumbled against your skin. “I wouldn’t take any of this back- even if I could.”

 You shake your head sadly as you bring your other arm around his shoulders to more fully embrace him.

“That’s because you’re a masochist almost as much as you are a sadist—”

 He groans at that, taking his face from your neck to press his cheek against yours.

“I knew getting you those Freud books was a mistake….”

 This time you allow yourself to sigh a laugh. “Only because they seem to hit the nail on the head when it comes to explaining why you are how you are.”

 “An asshole?”

 “Yeah, Lew.” you gently break free of his embrace and smooth your hands down the front of his tuxedo- straightening his bowtie on the way. “Now you’re getting it.”

 He looks as if he’s going to say something else, but you force a smile on your face and shake your head.

“C’mon, Mr. Nixon,” you say with a nod. “Your public awaits you. Best not keep them waiting.”

 “Y/N—” He calls as you turn on your heel and walk to open the door.

 “I’ll see you down there, Lewis.”

 With that admonishing reminder, you open the door and hurry to find the restroom in order to collect yourself.

Dinner was going to be hell.

~

Of course, Doris sat you beside where Lewis was seated in the middle of the table- Katherine on his left and you on his right.

 “Surrounded by his favorite girls,” Mrs. Nixon had cooed, standing behind Lewis’s chair and squeezing his shoulders excitedly. “What a lucky man you are….”

 They had only just served the soup and already you wanted to crawl out of your skin.

The only things that saved you were wine and the endless stream of one-sided conversation from Katherine’s young cousin Marcus, who sat to your right.

 He couldn’t have been more than sixteen- eyes wide and battle-hungry as he prattled on about the training courses he planned on enrolling in so that he could go to Japan and take revenge for the lives lost during Pearl Harbor. It served as a good distraction from the feeling of Lew’s eyes on your profile, silently begging you to turn and look at him.

 You didn’t give in.

 Marcus’s heart was in the right place, and it wasn’t his fault that you were trying to drown your distress in the sea of white wine you were creating inside of your belly. 

But you had the feeling that if you had to listen to any more talk of what his brother had told him about the Navy and how prestigious their ships were, you were going to smack your head against the table until you passed out.

 The only person who seemed to pick up on your distress was Lewis, and right now you were pretty committed to ignoring his attempts of conversation- hoping that by doing so you were strong-arming him into actually talking to Katherine, who was being so charming and well mannered that you felt like you were suffocating.

 As you brought your fourth glass of wine to your lips, Lew decided to speak rather than just look.

 “Think maybe you should slow down, Y/N?” Lewis says it quietly enough that only you and Katherine can hear him, and when you turn to face him you catch the sight of the other woman suppressing a chuckle into her glass of sparkling water. 

A drop of resentment stains your previously high regard for her- her slight amusement being amplified to condescension in your current bitter state.

 “Don’t worry ‘bout me, Little Lewie,” you say with a light slur in your voice- one that only those who truly knew you would be able to detect. 

As a child, you’d had a slight speech impediment that you’d grown out of with proper training and practice. It was only when you were overly tired or when you drank that it slipped back into your speech.

You could feel that now, its presence heavy on your tongue.

“Just gettin’ it outta my system while I’ve still got the chance……”

 When you're able to find his eyes with your own, you see the concern shining in them and suddenly feel like you want to cry. 

 You can’t help but think that this could’ve been yours- your engagement party, your future.

You’d say that the ring on Katherine’s finger could’ve been yours as well, but if you were being honest you found it too gaudy and flashy for your taste.

Lewis probably would’ve known that, too….would’ve chosen something significantly smaller and much more simple to present to you while down on one knee.

 But he’s not mine, should’ve stopped thinking of him as mine a long time ago.

 Without another word to him you slid your chair back from the table and stood, nodding appreciatively to the butler who instantly appeared to scoot the chair back into place.

Your mother, who was sitting closer to the door, gave you a worried look as you made to walk past her, silently asking if you were alright.

 With a smile that didn’t reach your eyes, you gently placed your hand on her shoulder in false reassurement that you were just fine. You mouth the word ‘bathroom’, as you passed her and exited the dining room.

 How you managed not to run up the staircase in search of somewhere you could let your mask of contentment fall away, you have no idea.

But you did. Your finishing school teachers would’ve been proud.

 Rushing through the library you knew better than the back of your hand, you quickly found the small, slightly hidden room behind a sculpture that held all the wealth of paper and writing supplies.

 The door barely shuts behind you before you suck in a shaking breath, face hot with tears you were refusing to shed. Each exhale sounds as if it’s being punched out of you, hands reaching out into the dark to feel for the wall so you can find the small footstool to sit upon.

 You were right, you couldn’t do this.

 It was too much, despite how desperately you’d tried to callous over the raw part of your heart that still ached for him. Resting your head in your hands, you try to slow your breathing, to muffle to sobs begging to be freed from your chest.

 The sound of the door clicking open has you shooting to your feet in surprise, the wine in your blood making itself known as you teeter slightly and you have to brace your hand against the wall to steady yourself.

The snap of the light being turned on makes you squint at the sudden brightness, the sight of Lewis breathing heavily as he leans against the door to close it behind him making your heart race even faster.

 “You shouldn’t-” you have to sniff quickly before finishing your admonishment. “You really shouldn’t be here, Lewis.” 

 He nods, his Adam's apple jumping in his throat as he swallows, eyes trailing up and down your body. “I know.”

Even as he says it, Lewis starts walking towards you. “I should go….”

 Your own breathing has become deep and heavy, lips parted to accommodate the sudden desperate need for more air in your lungs.

Mind having failed you, you search for the right words to send him away- to tell him that what’s about to happen is wrong and that you’re just making it harder on yourselves in the long run.

But all you can think as he reaches you, his hands coming up to hold your face with an unmistaken intention, is that you are going to explode if he doesn’t kiss you right now.

 Lucky for you, his thoughts seem to be similarly inclined.

 He kisses you so hard that you think your lips will bruise, his hands pulling your face so desperately close that his eyelashes tickle your cheeks as his eyes squeeze shut.

As you moan somewhere deep in your throat, Lewis opens his mouth to swallow the sound. His hair is soft in your hands, your fingers fisting and pulling at it until he makes a groan of his own.

 You allow yourself to rise up on your toes to make his head tilt back slightly, gasping into his lips when he suddenly uses his grip on your face to pull your mouth back from his.

He licks his bottom lip, whispering your name so you open your eyes and look at him with a heavy-lidded gaze.

 “I-I don’t want to go without one more….” he seems to be at a loss for words, which for Lewis Nixon is truly unusual. But you think you can read his frustrated silence.

Your eyes search his dark ones, uncurling your fists from his roots to bring your thumbs to his forehead and smooth the concerned furrow in his brow.

 “Okay,” you whisper, coming down off of your toes to brush your nose against his. “Then do it.”

 As if your words were a racing gun’s shot, Lewis hungrily kisses you again- backing you up against the wall and clutching at you with carnal desperation.

You lose yourself in his fervor, scratching your nails down the back of his neck just shy of leaving a mark and moving to loosen his bowtie.

 He catches your hands and pins them beside your head, squeezing them in a silent request to keep them there. You nod into the kiss, gasping for breath when he tears his mouth from yours and drops to his knees before you.

Looking down your body at him, you pant lewdly as you watch his hands disappear beneath the skirt of your dress and hurriedly pull your underpants down around your ankles. 

 The only patience he shows is in his careful assistance of helping your step out of them, but then he is immediately returning to his pilgrimage to the warm place between your thighs- bunching the deep violet-blue fabric in one fist while his other hand encourages your thigh up and over his shoulder.

He kisses you down there just as thoroughly as he had your mouth, licking the hot petals greedily to part the way to your clit before attacking it noisily and skillfully. Your head makes a dull sound as it lolls back to hit the wall, your hips surging forward at the gentle and unintentional scrape of his teeth against the soft flesh.

In an apologetic motion, the hand holding your dress beside your waist rubbing its thumb soothingly across your side. 

You allow one of your hands to drop from beside your head to rest over his, your sigh of forgiveness getting lost in a breathy keen of pleasure.

 “Shit,” you sigh, bowing your head forward to watch him look up at you from between your legs. “Jesus Christ, Lewis!”

 Rather than take his mouth from you to reply, he elects to moan into your sex, the vibration striking somewhere deep inside of you that has your thighs quaking. Your eyes drift closed as he continues to suckle on you, the sound of him inhaling sharply through his nose making you feel dizzy with heady desire.

It had been almost a year since he’d last gone down on you- only because that was the last time you were afforded enough time for such foreplay. 

 And he’d only gotten better at it.

 With careful yet distracted motions, he maneuvers the hand covering his so you are now holding your skirt up and out of the way for him. You open your eyes at the same moment you feel his fingers curl inside of you, an airy mewl slipping past your lips before you can stop it.

 “I’m gonna cum,” you mumble stupidly down at him, finally bringing your other hand down to fist in his hair again as you begin to see the white-hot orgasm creeping into the sides of your vision. “Too soon….I’m sorry, it’s too soon—!”

 His intentional humming around your bud paired with the cruelly perfect crook of his fingers sends your careening over the precipice of pleasure.

Your body shakes and your hips buck uncontrollably as he refuses to relent his near fervent milking of your orgasm.

 You keep expecting him to stop, to pull away from you and start to seek his own release. 

But he just doesn’t stop.

 “What’re you doing?” you ask brokenly, keening into another moan as he slips one more finger inside of you. “Get up here and—ohhh!”

 “Again, “ you hear him grunt into you with a near frantic tone. “Give me one more….”

 You’re absolutely lost as he ushers you into another orgasm, mouth feeling dry from the open mouth panting you’ve had to resort to in order to remain lucid.

 “I need you,” you whimper pathetically, your eyes open and unseeing as you gasp for breath in a vain attempt at cooling the fire burning in your body. “Please, I need you inside me….please, Lewis!”

 It feels like he’s only just unsealed his lips from your sex when suddenly his tongue is in your mouth and his hand is cupped around the back of your head, kissing you languidly as your thrumming ears pick up on the soft sounds of fabric being untucked and trousers being shoved open and down.

 Before you can manage to find the coordination to bring your hands down to help him free his cock, you feel him bringing the same thigh that had been over his shoulder up to hook around his hip.

 With a familiarity that aches in both your heart and your core, you wrap your arm around his shoulders and nod into the kiss, just as you had that first time in your dorm room after the night of your Junior prom.

After one more soft peck, Lewis sheaths himself fully inside of you.

 Your face twists at the abrupt fullness that stretches your sex to the sweet-stinging point that you ache for more often than you liked to admit, eyes flashing open in euphoric alarm as the man you’d loved since you were fifteen fucked into you with a punishing pace.

 Apparently, he was just as desperate for you as you had been for him.

 It’s now he who is making desperate noises that have to be muffled, his face buried into the slope where your shoulder meets your neck. 

At some point, he’s managed to undo the button at the top of the back of your dress, nosing the fabric around your collarbones open so he can latch his lips to the flesh at the curve of your shoulder- worrying at the skin with tongue, teeth, and lips.

 If you were in a teasing mood, you’d accuse him of having an oral fixation. 

Lewis would make another comment about how much he regretted giving you the books by Sigmund Freud. 

You’d try to offer some witty retort, only to be cut off by him pinching at your clit and biting at your lip.

 It was so easy, everything with him just felt so good and comfortable and warmly familiar.

 As if he can hear your thoughts, he presses his temple to yours so his lips are at your ear.

 “It should be you,” he nearly whines. “I’ve only ever wanted you—”

 The sob that bursts past your lips is so bitter and childish that even Lewis seems to notice through his haze, pulling his head back in time to catch sight of the tears rolling down your cheeks.

 “I’m sorry,” he grunts as he kisses the tears off of your skin. “I love you and I’m sorry.”

 Just as your first moan had been, your first deep sob is captured by his mouth. Your lips are salty and you can feel from his shaking lips that he’s struggling to keep his own upset at bay.

 The hand that was holding your thigh wraps around it to press a thumb against your clit, and you can’t stop the stream of babbling that follows the movement.

 You can’t shut up about how much you love him and how angry you are with him and how badly you wished things were different.

 “I know,” he mumbles to each admonishment and devotion you utter, his voice becoming tight as you intentionally squeeze down on him with everything that you’d got. “I know, I know, Please love me anyway, I know.”

 It’s the sound of Lewis coming undone that sends you into your second orgasm, holding on for dear life as he brokenly thrusts into you a few more times before yanking himself away to spill himself onto the wall beside you- bracing his arm there as you blindly reach down to stroke him as well.

 You both stand there, breathing as if you’d both just sprinted across the fields behind his house.

 Using the wall as a support, you turn to face him and press your forehead to his sweaty temple, the hand of the arm against the wall moving to rest atop your head as he shudders and stills in your hand.

“Good,” you breathlessly praise him as you gently release his cock. “So fucking good….”

 As you bring your hand to your mouth to suck it clean, Lewis curses lowly as his eyes follow the movement, like you’ve hurt him somehow.

Before you can reach your hand down to get more, Nix grabs your wrist and holds it in the air.

 “Don’t you dare,” he whooshes out with an exhale, turning his head to kiss you deeply enough that you know he can taste himself. “I’m gonna fucking cum again if you do shit like that…”

 You give him a small smile, pecking a quicker kiss on his lips.

“Didn’t think you’d be open to letting me lick it from you directly.”

 His wicked smile is lazy, wrapping his arm around your waist as you make to push yourself away and twisting your bodies so he’s now the one leaning against the wall with you pressed against him.

 ‘Not yet,” he pleads into the crook of your neck. “Please, not just yet.”

 And, because you’re a terrible and weak person, you stay.

 When his fingers start to undo the buttons holding your dress together in the back, you shake your head.

 “One more,” he murmurs as your dress starts to fall loose around your shoulders. “Just once more….”

 Despite knowing how much you’re going to hate yourself for doing so, you nod and lower your arms so your dress pools around your feet.

 “Okay,” you whisper. “Just once more.” ~ ~ ~ (HELLO I LOVE YOU AND SORRY FOR ANOTHER SERIES WHEN I HAVE ONLY EVER ACTUALLY FINISHED ONE BUT THIS IS WHO I AM AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN I AGREE WITH YOU, TBH)

Taglist: @mrseasycompany​ @itswormtrain​ @mrsalwayswrite​ @happyveday​ @sunsetmando​ @ricksmorty​ @liebgotttme​

also let me know if you want to be added to le taglist bc i am a silly lily who will forget unless i’m constantly reminded

also also here’s the dress i used for reference bc what are outfits

[volvolts]

trying again. im gonna talk about my ocs. its pretty long and kinda incoherent idk

first start with robin

idk how to make the picture smaller so im sorry

- her name is robin wright and she’s 17

BACKSTORY

- her mom is a cyberneticist and her dad is a neurosurgeon. they do research on cyborg’s disease and have a company that makes prosthetics. they’re really rich because if it

- robin also had a twin brother named ronan (she’s the younger twin btw). he died when they were 15 because he had a rare case of cyborg’s disease in the brain. his death was so traumatizing for her that she doesn’t remember the months surrounding his death. she doesn’t even remember the funeral

- after ronan’s death, robin’s parents put her into isolation for two years. they pulled her out of her classes and activities and she barely got human interactions during this time

- eventually she had enough and begged to be allowed out which they do--as long as she has a bodyguard with her at all times. the problem? robin had a hard time getting along with most of them. in fact, ryuji is kind of a last resort. if she doesn’t get on well with him, she’ll most likely be isolated until further notice

random facts

- she’s really smart, a natural genius you could say. she was on her third year in college before she was pulled from it (she’s studying to be a neurosurgeon like her father). she’s one of those organized highlighter/color coded note takers too

- robin is a very compassionate person and is compelled to help others as much as she can. 

- stubborn and determined, she’ll pursue nearly everything and won’t back down until she has answers. sometimes she doesn’t know when to stop and accidentally oversteps her boundaries. it’s not because she’s needlessly nosy but because she wants to know the whole story before she can help them

- she has a overactive imagination and would end up thinking up outlandish ideas to fill in the blanks of things she doesn’t know

- robin is one of those people who’s polite and reserved if she doesn’t know you but will talk your ear off when she’s comfortable with you

- she closer with her father, which is why she’s studying the same subject that he works in

- both of her parents are incredibly successful and she’s expected to do something similar so she has a lot on her shoulders

- she hasn’t worked a day in her life but she has unusually strong endurance and stamina

- she has a dog! he’s a golden retriever and his name is beck. he’s an old dog and she loves him very much 

next is ryuji

- his name is ryuji lor and he’s 22

- he also goes by “ryder” (technically he’s supposed to go by that throughout most of my half-baked story because he never told anyone is real name but that’s beside the point)

- he’s a quarter japanese and three quarters se asian (not really sure what kind yet but im thinking somewhere within the vietnam/laos area)

BACKSTORY 

- a bit of TW: FAMILY ABUSE in this passage so skip if it bothers you:  his mom got pregnant with him while she was in college and because her boyfriend bailed on her and stress of the pregnancy and burnout she dropped out and went back to her family. she was seen as “the good one” of the family and was expected to get a good job to get her family out of poverty however when she came back they were incredibly bitter that she “failed” and would verbally and emotionally put her down. They also blamed ryuji because if he wasn’t born then she wouldn’t have dropped out and he was often ostracized because of it. 

- fortunately he and his mom left when he turned 5. they lived in a small apartment and had to get lots of help from neighbors and friends to make ends meet (mostly to babysit ryuji while his mom worked). ryuji vowed to get smart and get a good job to give his mother the life she deserves (and partly because he feels a part of her really does hate him and he wants to make it up to her somehow because if he doesn’t, was he just a parasite like what his aunts and uncles said?)

- when he turned 10, his mom got married and how he has two moms. they’re hard on him but it’s from a place of love so he tries his best to be a good son by studying and staying out of trouble

- at 17, ryuji has a bit of hope ahead of him. he has a part time job, good grades, and maybe a scholarship if he could qualify. suddenly he’s diagnosed with cyborg’s disease in his eyes and arm. they can’t afford either of his surgeries, let alone one. and that’s not going into the prosthetics and rehab afterwards. at night when they think he’s asleep, ryuji hears his moms arguing about how they’ll be able to afford any of it and what they’ll have to do to pay for it. 

- he can’t take it anymore. he runs away

- he ends up in a city he doesn’t recognize and is just allowing himself to die but he gets saved by irving, a back alley repair doctor. he gets prosthetics thanks to her but is now in a massive debt so he works as her assistant and also finds other jobs on the side to repay it

- his backstory is getting really long so things happen in ryuji’s attempt to make money and he ends up also working with ace, who leads an organized crime group, as a handler whose job is to fight/intimidate/kill whoever. 

- a sudden coincidence also ends up working as robin’s bodyguard which starts everything. honestly he’s didn’t want to do this job at first but robin’s parents are willing to pay a good amount of money and it allows him to have time away from his jobs with ace

random facts

- he’s left hand but learned to be ambidextrous, however he’ll usually default to his left hand

- he wore glasses when he was younger (near sighted; it was super bad but he didn’t like it)

- he’s afraid of dogs. it’s not a full on phobia but they make him uneasy because of a childhood thing. (he’s more of a cat person and maybe pets a few stray cats that come across his house every once in a while)

- he doesn’t like people staring at him. he feels self-conscious because of the scar on his face and the shadowed bags under his eyes and people staring at him don’t help

- ryuji is really good with prosthetics repair and can go into in-depth discussions about the mechanics of it all; he actually really enjoys working on it and actually helped design his own arm

- he’s really smart but he had to work really hard to get there and because he never finished his education, he doesn’t really think he is either

- ryuji tries to give off a “i don’t care about anyone” bravado to try and distance himself from everything. but he really cares. like a lot. the few people he has in his life right now, he’s ride or die for them

- ryuji works himself to death to ignore his problems. he’s afraid if he stops moving, he’ll buckle under the pressure and stop forever

- he has a knife hidden in his prosthetic forearm which he will use if he feels threatened. (it’s probably a stiletto knife or something idk yet)

- ryuji is an early riser; waking up at 9 am feels like sleeping in to him. he’s not even that much of a morning person, its mostly out of habit

then there’s castor

- his name is castor oda and he’s 24

- he’s japanese

BACKSTORY

- he lived in a really strict and controlling family who owned a business where he had his entire life planned out for him up to who he was going to marry. he’s always been angry about it because he has older siblings who will take over the company and it’s clear that more of a control and image thing than anything else

- when he went to college, it was his first time actually be away from his family and became friends with a guy named ben. 

- ben helped castor when his family kicked him out at 19 and gave him a place to stay until he could get back on his feet

- castor loved ben like a brother and is forever grateful for him

- ben mysteriously disappeared when they were 21 and everyone is pretty sure he’s dead but no one knows why

- castor wants to find closure on what happened because he’s definitely sure there’s something shady going on and he’s going to find out what.

- he’s an information broker, occasionally crossing paths with ace to relay and gather info but for the most part, castor has been working alone

- when he’s not doing that though, he works as a barista at a coffee shop

random facts

- he has cyborg’s disease in his right arm and when he lived with his family, he was deeply self-conscious about it

- he hasn’t spoken to his parents since they kicked him out but he still talks to his siblings sometimes; he’s the youngest child with two older sisters

- he always had an inkling that ben had romantic feelings for him, which was unrequited, and castor always felt a little guilty that he never reciprocated or that they never got to talk about it

- castor always wears his red scarf no matter the occasion or weather; he has more scarves but he just likes the red one the best

- people think he’s like calm and collected but in reality he’s an impulsive, emotional driven idiot just like the rest of us

- however he is the master of the polite business smile because of his strict upbringing

- he’s a rather disorganized person

next is irving

- her name is ellie irving and she’s 35

- she’s half black, half white

BACKSTORY 

- i don’t have that much solidified for her backstory yet so it might change fyi

- irving had been doing cybernetic research back in college but someone plagiarized her work and submitted their paper before she came forward

- because the paper was published before she published hers, SHE was initially hit with backlash of plagiarism

- eventually they try to sort it out but in the end, while she proved she didn’t plagiarize the other, she couldn’t prove that she came up with the research first and they just terminated the both her and the plagiarist

- she was barred from going into higher cybernetics research and honestly she’s still a bit bitter about it

- she went into prosthetics repair instead but still struggled to find work because of her alleged reputation, which many still believed she stole another’s work

- eventually she manages to open up a shop that specializes in prosthetic repairs and replacements

random facts

- she’s really harsh and aloof, however she cares in her own way

- honestly irving doesn’t believe herself to be a good person due to how she feels she let herself to bitterly sulk in her anger for so long

- she smokes a bit but she’s trying to cut back lately

- irving won’t pry if you come to her with a broken arm and you need help; she’ll fix you up and leave it at that and allow you to come to her yourself

- she’s incredibly observant and can tell if your lying with just a glance

- she doesn’t know that ryuji works for ace; she’s concerned when he seems more tired than usual but she doesn’t know how to pry

last one cuz im tired

his name is ace (i don’t have a last name for him) and he’s 32

- he owns an organized crime ring; im thinking he’s connected to something bigger and possibly something with the black market

- not much is known about him but he’s a charismatic man and has the intimidation factor 

- he flips his demeanor a lot. one minute he’s jovial and kind then the next he’ll give you thinly veil threats. he mostly does it to keep people on their toes so it’s a power thing

- begrudgingly he’s the closest thing to a father figure ryuji is gonna get

- also the jacket ryuji always wears? it’s a gift from ace

and that’s all i got so far! i have a lot more ocs but i don’t have have a lot of backstory for them yet. let me know what you think of these guys and feel free to ask questions!

[gayasianminimalist]

Dear Future Deanna,

You are about to go off to college, and afterwards starting your great big life. Therefore you may never see this message future Deanna. But I won’t lose hope because maybe you’ll have this with you without knowing it. Anyways, good luck in college, hope you make the most of it because you only get once chance in college. Make good choices, but at the same time take some risks or else you will forever regret not being bold. It’s okay if you make any mistakes because I’m sure you’ll learn from them and become better. And another thing future Deanna, live in the moment and don’t think too far ahead.

-Deanna Wong   June 1, 2015

Dear past Deanna,

Well 2 years later I managed to find this mini notebook and see what I wrote to myself awhile back. Past Deanna, I have certainly made some mistakes and done things I couldn’t imagine myself doing 2 years ago! I have met some of the most important people in my life these past couple years, especially this past school year. I hit the gym pretty often which is a very necessary thing in my life but I don’t exactly have access to a gym at the moment. I’ll make do this summer with @ home exercises and probably running in the mornings hopefully starting tomorrow. I  kind of hit a big wall at the end of my 1st year at UCSD, I failed 2 classes and passed with a B and I’m waiting to take the other class still. My gpa definitely tanked but now I have above a 3.0 again which is my goal gpa to maintain for the rest of my years here. I see my handwriting hasn’t changed too much so I’ve reached my max as far as writing legibility. I’m cleaning out my desk right now and there are definitely a lot of old Deanna history hidden in these drawings. Hmm so I’ve left my college journal at school, but I only wrote in it probably twice this whole school year. Way to keep record of what’s happening. So something that has definitely changed my life was starting my rave life. EDM really has had an impact on me and I decided to give ecstasy a go. It is quite the euphoria, but in great moderation. Gave me the happiest feeling in the world. I’m so glad my friends have been gracious enough to let me have this experience. So I’m not saying drugs are good, but they’re sure really fun. This past spring quarter I tried shrooms and that trip definitely gave me one of the weirdest days of my life. Everything just felt sort of off, but I saw everything a bit differently visually. And then more often than not I had those nights of being drunk, stoned, or crossed af. Like I knocked out pretty hard on some nights. Next year I definitely need some self control over these type of nights. IDK if my body can handle such tough treatment anymore. Anyways I joined a frat, and now I have 2 littles in my frat. They’re super cool but I need to find a way to connect all of us next year because they’re kinda polar opposites. I don’t wanna think about this too hard though so I’ll just continue on this much needed spheal. Also an update on my love life: non-existent. I’ve been single for a solid 20 years since I’ve been alive. Also I’m 20 what... how dis happen. Going off on a tangent, I think I have found that photos are very important to me. All the memories I have captured, I can’t even begin with how blessed I feel forever with such great memories. I would say my second year of college was definitely better than my first year. I wanna stop here past Deanna since I’ve given you the gist of my college thus far. Now to write to future Deanna again.

-Deanna Wong    July 12, 2017

Dear Future Deanna, 

So what past Deanna said, keep living in the moment, take lots of pictures, and make more new friends, but remember to keep your old ones. Maybe try dating someone before the end of college, or not but you need a person in your life I think, or maybe I’m wrong and it’s better that you’re independent all through college. Whatever happens, happens. Also keep living your healthy life, go gym, hike, eat right, and so on. And don’t feel so bad on not so good days, stress eating gets to everyone. Try to say no to people, you can’t be influenced all the time. Otherwise you’ll never learn to have things your way. You can be helpful to people too, but sometimes you should make sure you get your own shit together first. I think you have all the tools needed to succeed in the rest of college and life, so make your choices wisely.

-Deanna Wong   July 13, 2017

Dear past Deanna, 

I think I’ve gotten college life down, better than my first 2 years for sure. I still am making mistakes though, kind of had some bad incidents as far as my behavior record with UCSD, but on my way to fixing that. Nothing that’ll put me on hold for graduating, I just have to deal with business and this should all be over next quarter. Long story short I passed out at an on campus event and I have some consequences to deal with but it’s all on me, I have to fix things. On the bright side, everything in my academics are right again. Above a 3.0 and I am on track to graduate by next spring. It’s really hard to write into this tiny notebook. I’m writing very intensely I’m sweating a little. It’s also not the coolest temperature. Sacramento brings the heat. In terms of my social/party life, this past year of college, and within the last quarter, has exceeded my first 2 years. Well part of the reason has been because I turned 21 this year. Legal drinking is a whole new game. You would think I can control myself at this point, but I still can’t some nights. I’ve definitely opted out of drinking a lot more this year. Self-control is getting better. A lot of seniors I grew close to this year are graduated now. It makes me really sad but I need to learn to get through this year without them. They are all going on their own paths for the future, and I wish them all the best and to visit me next year! My love life got a little bit spicier this year, but nothing drastic happened where I need to announce it. Still no girlfriend and I really want to have one more and more. Still actively using dating apps. Well just more recently since its summer now and I don’t have much else to do. Just trying to recharge myself mentally. I think a lot of things that happened this year has given me a bit of a mental drain. I think i actually like attention but I may have gotten more than I need for a year. My 21st birthday is the most extra day I’ve had in my life. Everything was funny, everyone was dressed up, and there were a lot of gifts. The best thing was all my friends being there just to celebrate my friend Nat and I turning on year older. Like it shouldn’t be that huge of a deal, but it became a big deal just because we wanted it to be. This really should be more of advice for future me like the 2 past me’s, so I’m gonna do that instead of blabbing about my life. i’m supposed to do that somewhere else. Alright it’s there, peace past me.

-Deanna Wong   July 5, 2018

Dear Future Deanna,

Not sure what to say. Well if past Deanna has been able to accomplish all she has up to now, future Deanna can keep up this level of excelling life plus more. You’re literally about to enter the actual adult world after this year. You need to figure out your plan even if you don’t want to. You gotta make moves to get where you want. Such as staying home or moving out as soon as possible. Get a woman, it’s time to be more proactive about your love life because if you don’t make moves, no one’s gonna do it for you. Maybe tell people how you actually feel if you feel for them. Still have to take risks. I don’t think past Deanna has taken any REAL risks. Like a risk that makes you sweat and super anxious beforehand but could be very worth it. But you’ve always had a logical side, so maybe listen to it if it’ll make your life better in the long run. I’ll continue later but I have to eat first. You are your own grown ass adult now, speak up for what you want. You can’t let other people dictate your outcome of situations. Take control of you situation. Take control of your situation. Be a good friend. You’ve gotten better at it by leaps and bounds, but there’s always room for self-improvement. Be appreciative of how far you’ve come. Don’t beat yourself too much, you still tend to do this from time to time. Take your own advices? I don’t think you’ve had to apply this yet, but you could try giving yourself a few pointers. Keep yourself tidy. Clean your room more often when you’re at school. Things pile up, and a cleaner space tends to give you a clearer mind. Keep in touch with those you don’t see as often. You tend to spend all your time with one group of people instead of reaching out more. This is why you don’t see some people enough. Develop this skill now and it’ll translate in the future. I think I’ll keep it to this for now, you’ll gain more wisdom as you endeavor into your final months at UCSD. Stay lit, stay safe, and be you. :)

-Deanna Wong   7/30/18

This is just some back and forth between myself that I had for the first 3 years of my college life. I’ll save my last year for another post. I feel like between each year I had some improvements, but a lot of the stupid stuff I did more or less are from all my non-sober nights in college. It’s kind of the same thing over and over but just with different people and different circumstances. Looking back at everything now, I’ve really become a lot more of a stable person. I don’t regret a single moment of undergrad. Although I find it really strange I felt like I needed to have a girlfriend at some point. I honestly with so occupied with my own life that I really did not need to add someone else to the equation. And even now I’m still kind of ok with my independence, maybe a bit too ok with my independence. I think honestly the right person will just come at the right time. I really think I need to give the meeting someone in the real world a shot. Well not now since California is in a lockdown but after this pans over I’ll try to go out there and find the love of my life. 

Stay safe out there y’all and don’t go spreading too many germs. I’m out gonna be raving in my house haha.

[utopianvoices]

college au | k.woojin

major: music

minor: fashion design but he dropped it because he didn’t realise that this minor involved actual designing of new type of clothes and he was no designer

clubs: president of the music club. used to do kendo too but dropped it when he became president because it was too much commitment

teacher’s pet #2 after chan 

everybody loves this boy because he’s smart, kind, talented, the list goes on tbh

he took music as his major because he has loved music and singing ever since he was young and loved to perform for people,,,,,,, because he knew from experience that music is a big impact in many people’s lives

he is one of the best singers and guitar players in his major and he lowkey gets many envious stares from his fellow majormates

decided to join the music club because he just couldn’t get enough of singing and performing 

and soon after was made president by all his club friends because he was their best singer and conveniently one of the most responsible

he’s close friends with 8 other boys who also share the same interest in performing 

they called themselves stray kids and performed at the campus cafe every saturday night because that’s when it was pretty packed with students and also because it lets them earn some extra cash

although he puts his best into every assignment he submits and the teachers know this, he goes pretty hard on himself if he ends up getting a grade lower than he expected

going back to the dorm and making a list of things of what went wrong in his assignment and what he can improve on

his roommates chan and minho will notice this and drag him out to the nearest busking event just so that woojin can get his mind off things

talking about busking,,,,,, woojiin loved going to busking events

as much as he loved performing, he loved watching people perform too

he loved listening and watching the different and unique talent each performer possessed, keeping an eye out for the detail that set a performer apart from the other ones,,,,,,, it strangely helped to calm him and forget about his stress for the time being

so this is actually how he met you

he was stressed about his recent assignment in which he had to compose a short track that portrayed love 

usually woojin had not much problem in composing and writing lyrics because he was inspired enough and he also had the help of chan, who was practically a producing genius

but this time, he was having a really hard time composing a song

maybe it was because of the theme of the song

he tried getting inspiration from what he felt when he was dating before, but nothing came to him because he knew that what he had with them wasn’t love,,,,,,, it was just mere infatuation 

usually when he was stuck with a track, he will ask chan who had a solution for him 99.9% of the time, but even chan couldn’t help him this time,,,,,, so he did the first thing that came to his head

he put away his laptop and notes and left the dorm in search of the nearest busking event taking place to get some peace and hopefully some inspiration 

let’s just say woojin was out of luck because the usually bustling streets were pretty empty the day he needed them to be filled

but he was already out and about with nothing else to do so he ventured further than he usually would, finding for something,,,,,, anything that would be able to give him some inspiration when he stumbled across a performer he had never seen before

baDuMtSSS its you

it was the first time you were trying out busking at that area,,,,, usually you preferred to perform at smaller places where there was a smaller audience, but you were feeling exceptionally brave and adventurous that particular day so you decided to perform in the town 

you grabbed your guitar and walk up to the middle, the center of attention, and start singing your favourite song

at first it was just a handful of people, but as time went by, there were more and more people

although this was your first time performing in front of such a large crowd, you weren’t gonna lie,,,,,,, it was pretty awesome 

you had just finished your fourth and final song, by which there was already a large crowd gathered around you 

the crowd slowly dispersed, as you packed your things, ready to head home from your long and tiring day when you notice a boy standing by you and staring at you,,,,,,,,,, well then

you gave him a few side glances, trying to convince yourself that he wasn’t staring at you and was just admiring the,,,,,,,, plant behind you

but as you finished packing up the boy hadn’t moved and you were starting to get creeped out, so you stared straight at the boy, who suddenly looked startled, almost as if he had been caught staring,,,,,, which he had been

you walked over to him, noticing him get more nervous the closer you got

soon you were right in front of him and you threw him a “can i help you with something”

he just chuckled nervously and tried to get some words out but all you hear is “errr,,,,, i wanted to uh,,,,, haha,,,,,”

you raise your brows at him and he finally sighs to himself and seemingly makes his mind up about something, finally asking you if he could ask you a question

you reply with a “sure”, curious as to what this boy was gonna come up with,,,,, but his question catches you off guard and him too apparently because he looks shocked when the question leaves his mouth

“what do you define as love?”

what,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, what kind of question was that

you were expecting him to ask you many things, but this was not one of them

you reply with a “i’m sorry what” and he quickly replies, explaining his situation to you and making sure to emphasise the fact that he was not a creep that went around asking people weird and rather personal questions

“i’m sorry it’s just that i’m a music major and i have to compose something that conveys love, but i can’t seem to get any inspiration because i don’t think i’ve been in love before,,,,, you just seemed so emotional when you were singing and it just makes me think that idk,,,,,, you know what it means or something,,,,,,”

he trailed off halfway, turning red thinking of how stupid he sounded to this cute stranger he just met 

you chuckle a bit at how cute he was before shaking your head saying that you’ve never in fact been in a romantic relationship, which surprised the heck out of him because ??!?!?!?! how did you manage to put so much emotion into singing when what you sang were pretty much love songs???? confused woojin is confused

and you shrug and just go “i don’t need to have a partner to be able to convey love. i just convey my love for music into my singing and it turns out that way” and that’s when it hit woojin,,,,,, love didn’t have to be romantic

he could create a track based solely on his love for chicken and it would be a song conveying love,,,,,, you,,,,,,, you literally saved his life and his grades

you watch as a smile slowly grows on his face as he processes what you say and looks at you with the biggest smile once he had realised that it wasn’t all about romantic love 

he just kinda jumps around and thanks you like a small kid,,,,, and you just go “he’s really cute” in your head hmMMHMmmM

you give him a smile and wish him luck in getting a high grade on his assignment and start to walk off when you hear him calling out your name 

“hey y/n!!!” and you just turn around to see the boy running towards you, panting when he reaches you 

you wait for him patiently, as he catches his breath from the sprint and when he’s all fine, he looks at you and asks if you were free saturday night

because he and his group of friends were performing at his college cafe,,,,,,, and he was wondering if you were free to come and watch them

and actually you weren’t free,,,,,,, you had to catch up your show’s new episodes

but this boy was cute and also you wanted to see if he had any talent as a music major,,,,,, so you just coolly give him your number and ask him to text you the details, also learning his name in the process

and you leave the place with a bright red face because you had never ever given a boy your number,,,,,, you were just pretty reserved about these things,,, but there was something about that boy that made you do things you’ve never done before

but because of how quickly you turned away to hide your flaming face, you missed the flush on woojin’s face as well, because the poor boy wasn’t expecting you to be so confident when all he could do was stutter and ask weird questions

you didn’t want to admit it but you were waiting for his text since that day and you were pretty bummed when he didn’t message you for about two days,,,,,,, you just convinced yourself that he probably wasn’t interested and forgot about you

but friday afternoon you get two messages from him,,,,,,,, the first one consisted of about 5000 sorry’s and a explanation about how he was so busy composing for his assignment that he totally forgot about texting you

and the second message contained the details of the cafe he was performing in and surprise,,,,,,, it was your college cafe

so now you knew that you and woojin went to the same college hmMMmm inch resting

you reply with a “hey that’s my college too!” after making sure to let him know that it was totally okay that he didn’t reply and that you hoped his assignment went well

he replied almost immediately, saying something like “yes it went really great!! i’lll have to show it to you sometime soon, now that i know that we go to the same college”

you smile at your phone and that’s when your roommate comes in and asks you who you were talking to you, wiggling her eyebrows and replying with a “sure” when you say that it was no one

you roll your eyes and get back to studying your material because hey your grades were not gonna come by themselves

soon it was saturday night and you made you way to the cafe, making sure to dress civilly and not just throw on some old sweatshirt you saw lying around in your room,,,,,, which is what you usually do

you arrived slightly early than the time stated, so you make your way to the counter and order yourself a cup of hot chocolate to calm your tummy that was currently housing about a thousand butterflies for unknown reasons

although you went to that college, you had never been to the cafe because you preferred staying in your dorms, so you took the opportunity to take in the interior of the cafe,,,,,, and it was pretty nice

you see some boys climbing onto the stage of the cafe but don’t recognise any of them until you see that one particular boy amidst of all the other boys there

woojin was dressed in a grey sweatshirt and black jeans, fitting right in with the other boys who were dressed similarly

he looked around the cafe, seemingly searching for someone, when he caught your eyes, and immediately broke out into a smile which you returned with a small wave

a really pale boy who was slightly shorter than woojin introduced them as stray kids and you had to stop yourself from laughing because stray kids??? seriously??? 

but it was pretty cute,,,,,

the mic was passed on to woojin who introduced the self-produced songs they were going to sing that night and you caught a few songs like mixtape #1, glow and a few others 

they started their performance and you had to admit,,,,, they were really good,,,,, and you couldn’t believe that such young boys could compose such amazing tracks

but when it was woojin’s turn to sing you just fell into a hole and knew that you would never be able to get out of it,,,,,, his voice was the definition of perfect

soon their performance ended and you knew why woojin had decided to pursue music as his major

music and woojin were literally made for each other

once the boys got off the stage, woojin made his way towards you, with the rest of the boys following his trail

he greeted you with a “hey” and pulled you into a hug in the spur of the moment, before letting go as quickly as he hugged you, realising what he did 

you both stare at each other, flusters while the boys were just staring at ya’ll like ??? whats going on when woojin snaps out of it and introduces you to the boys, explaining that he met you when he was having his assignment crisis and that you helped him out so he invited you to their performance

and they were like oOoOooh we seeeeee and just introduce themselves to you one by one

the boys leave you to go the counter and order food and you’re left with woojin and chan, who whispers something into woojin’s ears and leaves to join the other boys

so after chan leaves, woojin just looks at you and goes like “uhhhh so the boys and i are gonna get something to eat and i- uhhh we would like if you joined us?? it’s okay if you don’t want to!!!” he quickly added

and you’re just like “sure! your friends seem like really nice people,,,, i hope i’m not intruding though” and he just shouts “NO” really loudly and quickly which startles the both of you

so ya’ll had a pretty great dinner, with the boys goofing around, throwing fries at one another and talking about all the school gossip

ya’ll continue talking even after finishing your dinner, when you realise that it was almost 11pm,,,, and that you had to get back to your dorm because your roommate was expecting you to be back by like 10

so you excuse yourself and tell them that it was really nice meeting them when jeongin just goes “woojin hyung you should walk them back to their dorm!! its so late!!” and you’re just like asdlfjkas what

and woojin is just dead inside because jeongin just made him seem like a creep,,,,,,, so to redeem himself he just coughs out a “if you want me to” to you, hoping that you would say yes 

and you reply with a shy “yes” because reminder: this has never happened to you before

so woojin quickly gets up and walks you to your dorm, where ya’ll talked more about yourselves and just random things basically

soon you get to your dorm and you’re both filled with disappointment because neither of you wanted to leave,,,,,, and woojin was about to speak up when your phone ringing cuts him off

you realise that it’s your worried roommate and so you kinda quickly say bye to him and run off into your dorm

and he just leaves, slightly disappointed that he wasn’t able to ask you out because of the phone call

and ya’ll don’t bump into each other again until one day you get a really weird message from woojin out of nowhere which read something like “hi y/n09ae-r92u3r@!34328o185s”

okay,,,,,,, 

you reply with a “u okay?” and 3 mins later you get a reply saying “i’m fine sorry the boys took my phone” and you’re just like “haha no problem,,,, oh yea how was your assignment?” and he replies with a “i got an A!” and the conversation just kinda continues from there

and ya’ll end up talking day and night for the next few days, until one day you see woojin waiting outside one of your classes, looking pretty nervous while you were just surprised to see him

so you’re just like “hey,,, what’re you doing here?” and he just shuffles around until he looks up at you and asks you if he could ask you something,,,,,, and you just get reminded of the first time ya’ll met

so you tease him and just go “you’re not gonna ask me what i define paper as right?” and he just laughs, which helps him loosen up

and he just takes in a deep breath and goes “actually i was gonna ask you what you define a date as, so that i can take you out on one,,,,” and you’re just rooted there because that was,,,,,, really smooth

and 4 seconds later woojin is just like “im sOrry that was so straightforward idk what i was thinking it’s totally okay if you don’t want to i was just asking and like-” and you cut his rant with a “i would love to go on a date with you”

and ya’ll just smile goofily at each other,,,,, when you hear someone go “awwww” and a few “shHHHHH”s

so ya’ll look around and spot 8 boys hiding behind the wall, trying to get a glimpse of what was going on and woojin just has to run after them to smack them because peeping is rude kids

a few days later, you and woojin go on your cute little date,,,,,,,,, to the karaoke pffffttt

but it’s really cute because ya’ll have so much fun singing - sometimes screaming out - songs that you both love,,,,,,,,, and in the end he just serenades you with this really slow song and it’s so romantic ahhhhh

ya’ll buy some chicken ((ofc)) and sit near a river and just talk about yourselves, growing more disappointed as your date comes to an end

woojin being the gentleman he is, walks you back to your dorm because its late and its dangerous

and somewhere in between your long walk, your hands just start brushing slightly and soon after your hand is enveloped by his huge hand

and ya’ll don’t acknowledge it, but it’s obvious by the wide smiles you both were sporting on your faces

and soon you had reached your dorm and ya’ll just stand around each other, not sure of what to do now that ya’ll were here,,,,,, and so woojin says bye first, moving in really slowly for a hug so that you had time to reject it if you wanted to,,,,,,, but no one rejects a hug from woojin

so you just accept his hug and melt into his arms, almost as if they were the perfect place for you to be in

you whisper a “thank you for the great date” and courageously press a soft kiss to his cheek,,,,,,,, before letting out a small squeak because even you were surprised at what you just did 

woojin just raises a hand to his cheek and caresses the place you kissed him,,,,, before throwing you a small smile, and pulling you in for an actual proper kiss

and it’s all so fricking adorable because you rest your hands on his chest and you can hear how fast his heart was beating, matching your heart’s rhythm, almost as if both of it was making music 

he slowly lets you go and mutters a “see you tomorrow” and ya’ll separate, both with goofy smiles because what magic just happened

you’re greeted with your roommate bombarding you with questions, and you just start screaming and spazzing about your date and especially the end of the date and your roommate is just screaming along with you,,,,,,, and woojin is greeted by 8 creepy faces, waiting in his dorm for the details and he just spills everything the moment he sees them and they’re just so happy for their oldest brother

and so ya’ll continue to go on so many dates, with you going to the college cafe every saturday night to see him perform,,,,, and one particular saturday night, woojin is the only one on the stage while the other 8 just stand at the side and watch him with smiles on their faces

and you’re like ???? because don’t they all usually perform together

and then woojin just grabs the mic and speaks into it, shushing the crowd

“so today’s performance will be a bit different,,,,, i’m performing this for a really special person in the crowd who has made my life so much better and happier and i just wanted to say ‘i love you’ to this special person. you know who you are” and he stares straight into your eyes

and you’re shocked because he just said he loved you

and he sings the song staring at you and only you,,,,,,,,, and you can’t react because you’re surprised but your heart was bursting with love for the boy in front you

as soon as he got off the stage, you rush to him and into his arms, unable to stop the tears that escaped your eyes because you didn’t have to date before to know how special this was

you pull away slightly and look at him, as he wipes away your tears, a smile ever present on his handsome face, as you choke out a “i love you too” and crush him in a hug again as he hugs you back as tightly

ya’ll were soon known as the musical couple across college, because of your performances that were put up every saturday night, right after stray kids had performed

and he even convinced you to join the music club, because he knew how talented you were and also because it was the perfect excuse to see you more

one day when you were over at his dorm, he finally decided to show you the assignment he had been having problems with,,,,, the assignment that brought ya’ll together 

and you listened to it,,,,, impressed at how good it sounded and how you could feel the love it conveyed

and he shyly admitted that he was thinking of you singing as his inspiration for this piece,,,,,,, which led you to attacking him with kisses because how can one be so cute

and minho decides to walk into woojin’s room right at that moment and he just goes “well well what do we have here,,,,,” while wiggling his eyebrows at the both you when ya’ll fly apart from each other due to the uninvited guest,,,,, and woojin just throws his plushie at minho and and asks him to get out with a really red face

“your friends really need to learn how to knock” you say, still red and woojin just sighs and replies with a “trust me,,,, i’ve tried teaching them,,,,”

so ya’ll learn your lesson and keep your pda to a minimum when the others are around but when ya’ll are alone oh boy,,,,,,, prepare to be attacked with hugs, cuddles and kisses

∞ end ∞

[nightwingswing]

“My little star” (Riddler x Reader)

Hello! Im back!! 💖

IM SO SO SORRY!!

Please forgive me, please.

I’ve been drepressed for almost all summer and also on an hard writers block for some time and now college just started and its even more stressful than before. Im sorry for the hiatues. Ill try to update as often as i can! I promise!

 For now, I’ll update “The family’s girl” next, following it will come “Stop that wedding!” and in between will come part two of “Notre Dame de Paris” (Hunchback au) So IF YOU STILL HAVENT VOTED for  (STW) and (NDdP) , VOTE NOW!

Requested by Anon!

Request:  We are lacking some Riddler, May v we hey some Eddie lovin' please?

Requested by Anon!

Request:  Could you write a Riddler x Reader? Pethaps he takes them hostage and....? Idk. Take it where you will! Please keep it SFW if you can. Thank you!

He may take you hostage in the future... who knows...he can become quite like Jon in stalker *wink wink* ;))

Tags: @hamsterforlive @plethora-of-things @wonderlace19  @cursedfaechild

If you want to be tagged or have any request, message me any time!!!

💖 Now, Enjoy!! 💖

It was a peaceful Gotham morning in your work, you were the head of the Gotham gazette. Your drive to get as involved as possible in the crime scene is what made you one of the best and more truthful of Gotham’s journalist. You always told the truth of the cases, making you also amongst the most hated people of Gotham.

The truth hurts sometimes.

But it also made you very respected in the hero and villains community. The first ones for your values and honesty, amongst the seconds because you didn’t demonize them. You treated them right.

You could kinda say you had a fan club.

Yep…

A pretty big fan club.

They even have a president!

…

Edward Nygma.

He was a big fan of yours, since you started on your College newspaper. He felt attracted to you on an intellectual level at first. He soaked in your work, drinking every letter as if it was water in a desert. He was so intrigued in meeting you … That knowing your drive to get into the wolf’s mouth you would come directly to his trap.

And he would finally meet you.

Eddie smiled at your new article that shone in his barely lit room.

“Soon…”

///*\\\

“(y/n)! Have you finished the paper in the new rector elections?” One of your coworkers asked.

“Here” You said as you gave her paper. “Parker will bring the photos later this evening.”

“Perfect.” She turned around and ran into the frenzy that was your editorial.

“(l/n)!” Your boss yelled. “Come here, now!”

“Coming boss.” You hurried to the office, a bit worried. Once inside you stood up in front of the table. “Is something wrong?”

“No. But we have received a note. The Riddler is about to strike! And you will be covering up!”

“Yes boss!” You smiled, reading the note. “I’m on it.” You ran to your spot and investigated the Riddler’s movement to discover where we will strike. You received an email that said:

“Riddle me this…Riddle me that…

If you want to find me

Tell me what I am...

·    Until I am measured

I am not known,

Yet how you miss me

When I have flown.

·       I never was, am always to be,

No one ever saw me, nor ever will

And yet I am the confidence of all

To live and breathe on this terrestrial ball.

 ·       What time belongs to men twice a day?

 ·       At night they come without being fetched,

And by day they are lost without being stolen.

·       Whilst I was engaged in sitting

I spied the dead carrying the living

 Good luck, miss (y/n).

-R

Hmm…quite though…but if you want to find him you have to crack them…

After staying afterhours, you finally cracked the code.

“I got it!” You write down:

·       Time

·       Tomorrow

·       5:14, Upside down on a digital clock it spells “his”

·       Stars

·       Ship

Hm…. this is kinda…like..a meeting place?

Time: Tomorrow at 5:14 pm in the..the Starship! The boat stranded in Gotham!

“Gotcha!” You smirked and write down everything. Then you changed in your pajama and went to sleep.

Tomorrow you were meeting a criminal.

///*\\\

The Riddler was wearing his best suit, ready to meet the little star of Gotham. He grabbed the flower and drive to the boat, the shadows covering him until he made it to the boat. There he set a table and two chairs, a candle and drinks too.

“hm…ready.” He smirked. “I wonder if her mind is capable of matching mines...oh well, I guess we’ll find out!” He sat in the chair, his can on his lap and waited for her.

///*\\\

You arrived at the boat and carefully entered, making your way up.

“Riddler?” You asked.

“Hello Miss (y/n)” He smirked. “Sit down please.”

You entered the place looking around, it gave of a kind of love vibe. You shrugged and sat down.

“What is your plan?” You got your notebook out.

“Wow, down to business, eh?” He smirked and served a glass of (f/d).

“No thank you, and yes, that’s why we are here…no?” You raised an eyebrow and he smirked.

“Indeed. I see you solved my riddles.”

“I did. clever hide your location on riddles. Very your thing”

“Thank you, it was a challenge. See if you can measure to me. I guess you can.” He smirked.

“Thank…you?”     You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Now…I guess you want to know what I am up to?” Edward smirked.

“Well, obviously?” You raised an eyebrow and he smiled, his cheek got a bit redder.

“First, let me tell you, miss (y/n) that you look beautiful tonight! “He got a beautiful (f/f) out of nowhere and gave it to you.

“Oh... thank you…” You smiled and grabbed the flower, smiling and blushing. He smirked and got his bowler hat. “Now…what’s your plan?”

“Well, my beautiful maiden. My plan is and has always been prove I’m smarter than batman.” He shrugged his shoulders. “And destroy him, of course. But for now, I just want to know more about you, my dear. You know, you quite had the fan club back at Arkham.” He smirked.

“Oh? I do?” You felt flattered really. But for some reason, being idolized by the likes of the joker didn’t make you feel really…safe.

“Indeed darling. I, myself am draw to your truthful approach to the news.” His hand came to rest above yours, a charming smile on his face.

“Really? It usually makes me hated.” You looked at his green eyes thought the black mask.

“Nonsense, darling! People can’t stand the truth! You’re better than them! Smarter, more honest!” He said with so much passion as he clutched your hand in his. You blushed at the flattering speech.

“Thank you, Mr. Nygma” You smiled.

“Please, call me Eddie” He smiled loving.

“Okay…Eddie” You smiled.

You two keep talking for hours, exchanging riddles, theories and arguing about hot science topics.

After a wonderful 3-hour chat, he helped you down the boat and to your car. Before you could enter he pulled you flush against him, his hot breath mingled with yours. You blushed, and for some reason, your heartbeat had become faster and your cheeks burned in a blush.

“I like you, my little star...I like you very much…Maybe, maybe we could go out again? Tomorrow? There is a really interesting symposium in Bludhaven…maybe we could go, you know…together?” His cheeks became red as his green eyes looked around, shyly.

“Cute” You though as a smile took place on your lips. “Well…If any nothing comes up…. I don’t see why not.” You smiled.

“YES!” He though. “Perfect! I’ll send you a new note with the place and time!” He smiled exited.

“Great, can’t wait to know what you come up with!” You winked at him, making him blush. “Have a good night, Eddie.”

“Have a good night, (y/n)” He smiled before his eyes widened “(y/n) wait!” he grabbed your hand and pulled you in a sweet, chaste kiss. You froze in place, blushing madly.

As he pulled away a few seconds later, you looked at his dreamy eyes and blushing face.

“Now, Have a sweet night, my beautiful star.” He smiled dreamily, you smiled back.

“Good night” You smiled back and sit inside your car, a silly smile took place on your face and you couldn’t shake the warm feeling off.

“he was pretty cute...” You bit your lip before shaking some sense on your head and drove back to your home, to write that article you had to hand tomorrow.

He smiled one last time on the direction your car took before sitting inside a black car, that took off almost immediately.

“How was it, boss?” One of his lackeys asked.

“Perfect. Now, the other plan starts now.” He smirked evilly as his lackeys smirked back.

“Batman won’t know from where the hit came!” One of his crooks laughed.

“Down, down,down,down!” They cheered. 

Eddie thoughts drove of the cheering crew and to your beautiful smile, your soft luscious (h/c) hair. Yous beautiful mind, your enchanting eyes…he sighs dreamily….

“SHE’S SO PERFECT…GOSH I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! I KISSED HER!” Eddie smiled and licked his lip, he could still taste your lip balm. “SUCK IT PENGUIN! SHE LIKES ME! SUCK IT HARLEY! I KISSED HER FIRST!” Eddie cheered himself. “SHES SO SMART! SHE CRACKED MY RIDDLES! HIGH LEVEL RIDDLES! SHE DESERVES MY LOVE! SHE DESERVES TO BE ON MY SIDE! SHE WILL ME MY QUEEN!!”

“Down, down,down,down! YAY!” They cheered loudly.

Edward smirked.” Easy boys…” He looked outside his tinted windows to see the characteristic shadow of the bat and his Robin jump in the direction they just came from.

Eddie smirked evilly.

“Riddle me this, riddle me that…who is afraid of the big, black, bat?”  

///*\\\

Bonus!

Meanwhile, at Arkham Asylum:

“THAT GREEN ASSHOLE THINKS HE CAN DESTROY THE BAT, TAKE GOTHAM AS HIS OWN AND TAKE THAT PLESURE FROM ME?! NO FUCKING WAY!” The joker screamed as he his fist against the bulletproof crystal as the other inmates looked at him with a bit of fear. “IM SICK OF HIM! OF HIS FREAKING ANNOYING RIDDLES!.unless…” The manic grin on the joker face became crazier as he let out a more than usual, manic cackle that sounded in all Arkham. “He thinks riddles are funnier than jokes? Hahahahahaha well see about that!” The Joker banged his blood-stained hands on the clean crystal, imprinting his handprints in it.

His catlike smirk widened, almost splitting his face in half.

“This is war.”

(so...Want a part two?)

[moidse]

bro-- long time no chat!!

things have been better good lately between me and the partner. a few weeks ago- well probably more than a month ago now... i read a tweet that hit me about loving someone fully-- i felt like i was holding back because they are moving away, and so i was shutting them off slowly to protect myself instead of loving them fully-- because i had already made the decision that we wont work out when they move, and i realized that isn’t true necessarily. the future is malleable. And plus reading their ish about me sending emails had me stop cuz i was like ah. lol. but idk i have been feeling like im in a new funk lately

I just miss having good sex. I feel very uncomfortable in my body. I’ve gained a decent amount of weight in the last 6 months and I feel significantly less attractive. I feel bad I’m not having good sex and I do not feel confident that I could attract someone and have better sex with where my body is right now. I also feel uncomfortable to be on camera because of my body weight and I am too big for my cute outfits from last year. I also partly feel like I gain more weight when im with someone and when im single i push myself more to be fit to attract people and to feel more confident going on dates. I almost think I need a pause from hanging out with my partner until I have my workout routine down and i’m taking it seriously, because I know going to their house and doing nothing isn’t what I want to be doing anymore. I want to be working out and losing weight. I want to be working on my creative projects. I want to be moving forward. I need to continue creating content. 

I am missing having good sex again. which is a feeling that seems to swing like a pendulum. it comes and goes every month or 2. The past few times has been me wanting to top and touch my partner and they were like okay i’m cool with that now. and even before that it was about them touching me and why wont the go down on me and then after i complained they just did it, even though before they said they were too nervous. And it is amazing to think of, in the past,, idk 6 months how far they’ve come. They literally didn’t even want to be naked around me, didn’t want me to touch them at all-- and for the first time recently they are asking me to touch them now... but it still doesn’t hit right.... like when i have sex with them the orgasms are soooo small... i cum harder when im alone. which is the sad truth. 

This has all made me better realize how sex is something very important to me in a relationship. I feel like at first I was hesitant to say something like that because I’ve had people in the past act as if all I care about is sex and i’m a fuck boy... which, sex isn’t the only thing I care about but it is something I do care about and matters to me when it comes to dating and there isn’t any thing wrong with that. It took me years to except my sexuality and I learned there is no reason to hide my sexual wants and desires and I feel like people have acted like im some super horny sex freak when I just learned not to be ashamed of my sexual desires, literally like how must white str8 men are, but because im perceived as a black woman, i’m the one who is being deviant.

It took me a long time to accept my sexuality, and then it took me even longer to accept my sexually kinky bdsm desires. It took me so long to learn that there isn’t any reason to be ashamed of wanting to be dominated. I’m allowed to be more masc presenting and be a bottom. Like i really was so embarrassed about that for so long-- probably because I hung out with only str8 white cis men who would find it embarrassing if they wanted to be dominated, because they can only be dominate in bed otherwise other people might judge them... anyways im so glad i do not hang with any str8 cis white boys anymore, they really had a bad influence on me when it came to my views on dating, sex, and women. they all talk about it like women are real people and i also was guilty of that. i’ve grown a lot since being in college. It was when i was half way through college i started accepting the fact that i like the idea of being sexually dominated. i like tall women. i love muscular women. i love people who are tops, dominate, who want to be called daddy. I love all that shit. and when i would mention it to my white str8 cis dude friends they would react in disgust. and honestly it taught me if ppl react that way to my sexual desires that have taken me so long to accept, then they have no space in my friend circles. im basically done being friends with str8 white cis people. they are exhausting to be friends with. 

but anyways, last year,,, ehhh it always feels like it was last year but i guess it was two years ago,, well partly last year.. idk ... anyways when i met o**** That relationship was the first time I was open with someone I was having sex with about being trans and my dysphoria and they honestly responded so well and fucked me in very affirming ways and it made me cry because i had never felt such joy before when having sex and feeling gender euphoria. 

I always thought that I didn’t want to be in a relationship that was like butch/femme when i was a baby dyke. I used to not want a  relationship that even resembled heterosexuality in anyway. but when i was with o**** i felt we had that dynamic of butch/femme. like when we went out it was clear who the “guy” in the relationship was and it was me. it was clear I was filling that role and they filled the other role and to my surprise i loved it. I loved having that dynamic. I loved going to the sex shop with them and the worker helping me get a masc harness and then assuming they want a femme one. I loved knowing that out in public people see me as the guy in the relationship-- because I want to be seen as a guy in general. Being with them opened up this whole side of gender euphoria I had never felt before. That relationship helped me better understand what I want and am looking for. Not to mention the sex was amazing, the best i’ve ever had. 

When we first started dating I would top them and it felt great and amazing. Then when I opened up and said I like to be dominated too, they just slide right into that roll with little to no hesitation. And then they started dominating and topping me and found that they really like it. It was the hottest sex I’ve ever had. I’ve always wanted to be dominated and having a dominate femme is so hot. My sexual dreams were finally coming true. And because things were so easy for us sexually I think I just assumed it would always be that way. 

Its unfortunate that o**** is such a manipulative person otherwise I’d still be talking to them/fucking them. I still think about approaching them with the idea of just having a sexual relationship and not romantic and see if they are interested. but now isn’t a good time with rona. but anyways, Things working out with us so well sexually I assumed that would just be how it is if I open up and share my wants and desires. I didn’t want to be dating o*** I just wanted to be dominated again and I had gotten it out of my system and they confessed that they still see me as the love of their life, which is the opposite of how I felt so it felt like things should end here. But lets be real, I str8 up dropped them, ghosted them, because I no longer needed their fuck because I had found someone new k****. As soon as k**** said they thought I was cute back I was like BINGO and I legit just dropped o****. I felt like a beast. I felt like a boss ass bitch. Like damn, I have never gotten back with someone to have a good time to just drop them once I found someone new that maybe has potential. 

But me feeling like a boss ass bitch came to a halt when like a day later or something k**** was like im really busy with pride and then im leaving for the summer. I was like wow great. I really didn’t want to take this L so I went out of my way to hit on them constantly at cpride as much as I could. Then I finally got them to agree to see be before they leave. it went well. then over the summer I was soooo anxious about every email. I just didn’t want them to lost interest in me and also it was hard to respond to their emails because they were boring lmao. I also was stressed because there was like zero flirting going on and every time i’d try to move the conversation there they would take two steps back. This made me even more insecure and not sure if they even liked me. And I made the stupid move of not trying to hit on anyone else out of fear of them coming back and me having to pick one or explain and shit. meanwhile they were dating other people. its so annoying. its so annoying that im the one not satisfied and they got to date and be with other people... but i guess thats just cuz no one else wanted to be with me......I was literally only okay with it cuz i thought s***** liked me and they didn’t... they lowkey played me... but also i should’ve taken the mixed signals as a no, but i wanted to believe it so bad, and it was confusing when they said they want to make out with me more. i thought i was in... oh well... it happens... it just sucks to be rejected. i always feel like the people i want the most never want me, or like the hottest people, cuz i didn’t really like them deeply just mostly sexually. it just sucked because they were giving me every thing k**** wasn’t. being lovey and affectionate towards me.... and we never fucked but they were very open about being a top and wanting to dom and so i was like *tongue out emoji* 

bleh... i just have been missing being dominated lately... i mean i fuckin had a dream about s***** topping me... askvask it was good in the dream....but there is something depressing about k***** having like zero daddy energy. like i really didn’t realize this was gonna happen... like i was str8 up gooped when they casually texted me saying they don’t fuck... i was like wait what?? i felt played that they waited months of us talking and emailing to say that. And I stuck by them cuz I had already formed an emotional bond-- but i’m realizing the tricky part about this is that like having to wait to have sex with someone,, like I never knew if we would be a sexual match and honestly neither did they but it wasn’t a deal breaker for them.. i just feel bad to like help them come out of their shell and feel autonomy with having sex for the first time and shit and for me to be like well you aren’t my type sexually. but it is the truth. they aren’t my type sexually. like the other day i mentioned wanting to be dommed and they were like i dont do that... and i was like ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... i need to be more upfront and say im looking for a top/dom/daddy, or someone who switches and is down to play that way some of the time. cuz this none of the time shit stank. 

I mean, they look hot, don’t get me wrong. they look so good in their little body suits and they really make me wanna top them, but its like they have no confidence in being a bottom too. I feel like that’s why this shit really stank. at first they was like yeah i’ll touch you but dont touch me. But also I am not into being a top/dom. but also you can’t touch me so this is all you can get. Me, unenthusiastically rubbing you off. but now that they do let me touch them, it’s like i want the whole bottom experience. like shake ur tiny ass for me baby. run ur hands up and down ur bottom. show me how far you can stretch ur leg. I want a sloppy slutty bottom. I want them to shake their ass on my d and bend over for me. Tell me how good it feels. I want our sex to be so hot we can’t keep our hands off each other. We have phone sex and send voice memos because we just need to hear each other cum. I want them to want to ride my d. 

I feel this way every 2 months or so... idk what to do about it. I don’t want to break up with them and be alone. I do want to be having sex with someone else... I just dont have any prospects. 

lets hypothetically think about the idea of bringing up to them that I want to fuck other people. lets say we have that talk and they are okay with it. My worry is if i meet someone nice who fucks me good i will just leave k****. 

i just miss being topped and I dont think I will ever be sexually satisfied in the relationship I’m in and it’s just unfortunate because I was very patient with them and waiting like 8 months before I could even touch them and they seemed comfortable having sex with me and it’s like, waiting that long i was never sure if we were sexually compatible and we just aren’t. And i understand they mostly have been with asexual people and it hasn’t been an issue but i think this wouldn’t have happened if in the beginning we had a conversation about sex to see if we are sexually compatible. 

[paperhattt]

An update on me and my fanfics:

Hey everyone. I’ve been meaning to post this for a super long time and finally am going to. For quick answers: YES! I am going to update “Revenge: A Dish Best Served Cold” Don’t worry I know it has been on a super long hiatus but I will not abandon it. Also I’m so sorry to people who have sent me questions and mail, I really need to respond to those I know.. 

For anyone interested in why I’ve been so absent and only really reblogging posts on here, and have been on a hiatus from writing, explanations are below: 

I’m going to try to keep this brief but I know it probably won’t be since I ramble. (Yep I’m right this is long ahh)  

My life has been pretty stressful. College started for me back in August, and it is my last semester before I will transfer again to start on a Bachelors degree next. I’ve been devoting a lot of my time to my classes because I want to end strongly to boost my GPA some more. (Right now, all A’s! But lately I’ve majorly slacked in one class, so fingers crossed I get a decent grade in it..) 

There’s been personal matters going on that have affected me a lot to where I have not felt any motivation to do anything what so ever. I haven’t been able to focus on things (like writing or schoolwork) and have been pretty restless. 

Back near the end of Sept. I was having some problems with my health because I kept having re-occurences of vomiting and getting sick, and not knowing why I was or what foods were triggering that. I did an elimination diet and cut out gluten and dairy, and have been doing a lot better. I have brought a little bit of both of them back into my diet recently (just eating them occasionally when I have gone out with friends) and haven't been sick.. but I know my body feels a lot better without them.. I’m going to have my blood taken next year so perhaps that may tell me something, idk. My parents are the types where if I am not dying or bleeding out, they will not take me to the doctors. And it’s all fine, I love them both a lot, and I’ve been okay and haven’t gotten ill again. I worry and have a bit of anxiety, so I would have liked to go of course, but they both have busy schedules and such.. 

There has also been relationship problems (both with friendships and potential relationships). This has all been in the span of this school year starting, so it’s all been happening really quick and has overwhelmed me. I lost a friend, grown distant with others because they have changed, and have had a lot of almost relationships happen but have then fallen through. And that’s been an extreme disappointment to me because I have wanted a boyfriend for a really long time; and have never been in a serious relationship (or really any), but really want to be. For some odd reason I have felt this a lot stronger, the longing to be in one, and a lot harder in my life than I ever have before. And I think it’s because I’ve gotten closer to almost having it happen. I devoted sometime into people who wanted different things (less serious things), and into a guy who deceived me into thinking he was somebody else with different intentions. I’m proud because I cut off a lot of the people who I knew weren’t going to work out with me, including the guy who played me. Regardless I think it all hit me so hard because I gave my hopes up, and told myself having a boyfriend would distract me from everyday problems and make me happier.. of course I learned that you have to be the person to make yourself happy and that it is unhealthy to heavily depend on another person for your own happiness. And right now I’m trying to focus on getting myself happier, not holding the idea of having a boyfriend so highly, and with that becoming more independent again. 

There is also family problems on top of that, but they are underlying and have been in my life for years. A lot of things that cannot be fixed, and are hard to live around every day. Things I know will be better once I’m able to distance myself when I transfer to a university, because the environment I am in (and have been in) can be a bit negative and stuffy. And it’s matters where it will just be better when I transfer. 

But it’s not all bad, and I hate to sound so negative. I have incredible friends, and have met some people who are more in my maturity and want the same things I do out of life. They have stood by my side through my hardships, and have been insanely supportive of me. Parents are frustrating, and I don’t agree on all the decisions they have made, but of course I still love them both a lot. And I have a sister who shares a lot of the same problems I do since she lives around it all too, so she understands. 

I’ve just had a lot of overwhelming events happen out of nowhere and in a short period of time. 

I am okay, and from these recent experiences have learned a lot. I’ve just had a really hard time focusing, and have been in this pit lately. But I am starting to pick myself back up, and I know that I’m going to be okay because I have picked myself up many times before. 

I’m insanely hard on myself, so I beat myself up 24/7. I’m mad at myself that I’m not doing more, like finishing my fics. and writing independently. I think all the time about how I need to write this post and respond to the messages I have. Just in general (in life) I focus on what I have yet to do instead of focusing all my accomplishments; and from doing that I get frustrated. I’m pretty negative, and want to start to be positive again like I was a couple months ago.. I go through stages like anyone I suppose. This all adds stress on me, that I know I have to change a little, and I know it’s all something I have to work on. It’s just a habit atm. 

Overall I’m just a bit of an overwhelmed mess. I know what I want and have a lot of goals set, it’s just a matter of pushing myself harder to do those things (not too much, of course I know). I just have to organize myself again which takes some effort, but I know it’s long over due and something I need to do to be a healthier person on the inside. 

I’m ready to writing “Revenge..” (I’m way too lazy to write the whole title lmao) again. I’m starting to feel motivation again to actually write which makes me insanely happy. I just don’t want it to distract me from my homework, and I have had so much with all the classes I’ve had :( Like I should be doing it now, whoops lol. 

Regardless I love you all, and thank you all for staying with me and being so patient. Thank you for your support on my fics, and for all the love you give me! I wish I could do more at the moment for you all, and show you how much it really means to me. I’m excited now to start writing again, and hopefully can and will start on the next chapter and on future fics. soon. 

[holey-ghost]

Character Backgrounds

Author: @surpeme-bean

Words: 1,000something idk

Warnings: mentions of death and suicide, mental illness

A/N: this is just a little background information on the characters in Creep. I just did this for fun and for anyone who cares about the characters and their made up backstory. I'm sorry if some of it doesn't make sense I wrote this when I was really tired and I didn't want to change it for the sake of maintaining its humor and integrity. This isn’t supposed to be taken super seriously, but its kinda important. I laughed a lot while writing this so yeeaaahhh

(in order of appearance)

Dylan:

Age: 25

Occupation: Bartender

Likes: anything with y/n, waffles, hashbrowns, most breakfast foods, fruit, baseball,

Dislikes: people who don't listen, rude customers

Brief summary: hates his job but stays bc he loves y/n and they need the money. Took one self defense class and thinks he's the shit. Loves y/n more than anyone or thing, would do anything for her. Studied business management in college but dropped out because he hated it

Flaws: forgetful, anxiety

Y/N

Age: 23

Occupation: is a part time waitress at a diner also part time student studying psychology

Likes: online shopping, being with dylan, helping people

Dislikes: impatient people, anyone mean

Brief summary: decided to study psychology after her aunt committed suicide due to mental illness. Is pure cinnamon roll, loves her boyfriend dylan.

Flaws: aloof at times, can't take things seriously most of the time, laughs at things that aren't funny, easily stressed

Dylan + Y/N relationship

Age: 4 or so years

How they met: at a mutual friend's party, immediately hit it off

Brief Summary: they only dated for a year or so before deciding to rent an apartment together because Dylan hated his roommates and y/n’s apartment lease was up. This only brought them closer. Living together was never a problem for them since they went so well together. They became more dependent on each other, finding peace in the other when things got tough. The death of Dylan's dad was a true test of their relationship and they made it through. Y/n was especially understanding of his situation as she felt the same when her aunt died in highschool. They not only depended on each other emotionally but financially as well. Their combined income was barely enough to pay the rent  and buy food and pay off y/n’s college loans. Pure relationship, trust and open communication, shared feelings. They're soooo in love with each other it's almost sickening.

Ethan:

Age: 26

Occupation: is unemployed, he depends on his parents for everything, has been stalking y/n for weeks now

Likes: playing video games on his computer, telling 13 olds how he banged their mom last night, stalking y/n, talking about how amazing he is (isn't really that amazing)

Dislikes: being told no, slow internet, sandwiches that still have the crust, taking showers, school

Brief summary: is actually crazy. His boundaries are non-existent. He stalked some girl when he was in highschool when she rejected him. Desperate to have sex with something other than a sock or his hand.

Flaws: is a creep that smells like onions, extremely weak

Erika (hasn’t been formally introduced)

Age: 24

Occupation: who knows, she's so mentally unstable she could barely hold a job

Likes: ????

Dislikes: y/n for stealing away her boyfriend, anyone who's happier than she is

Brief summary: psychotic and obsessive. She dated Dylan for a couple of months in high school before he realized how crazy she was and broke up with her. She never got over it and has been quietly following Dylan since they broke up. Needs help. Is homeless. If satan had a daughter it'd be her.

Flaws: doesn't know when to stop, smells like trash, human embodiment of a possum- raccoon love child

Y/N Parents

Patricia (goes by trish or tricia) + Steve y/l/n

Age: Patricia is 44 Steve is 47

Occupation: mom works at hospital, dad does government stuff at a desk

Likes: y/n's boyfriend dylan, cake made from a box, crock pots, talking to their children and house plants

Dislikes: the cold, new technology, small spaces, when their children argue

Brief summary: they've been married for a little over 21 years, married once they found out her mom was pregnant with y/n’s brother at the young age of 23 (the dad only 26). A couple years later they had y/n and raised a family. The mom stayed at home raising the kids on her own while the dad slaved away at a desk. When y/n and her brother were enrolled at school, she pursued her dream of becoming a nurse.  Their family is too pure for this world.

Flaws: none????

Andrew

Age:25

Occupation: some office job

Likes: partying and his girlfriend

Dislikes: boring people

Brief summary: meet Dylan in highschool when they were sophomores. They immediately became best friends and have been since. He met his long time girlfriend, Meghan, his junior year and they've been together since. He wants to propose but doesn't know how. He's not a big character in the story but you still need to know who he is.

Flaws: he's kinda dumb lol

Meghan

Age:24

Occupation: nurse

Likes: baking, helping people

Dislikes: sudden loud noises

Brief summary: y/n's best friend since like middle school. But sadly she changed schools halfway through high school and met her boyfriend Andrew. However, she still lived close to y/n so they remained friends. Loves her boyfriend even though he's dumb. Is also not a big character but you still need to know who she is

Flaws: easily scared

Andrew + Meghan's relationship

Age: like 10 years or something

How they met: an art class in highschool or something 

Brief summary: they started dating their junior year of high school, and just stayed together. They're polar opposites but they work really well together as a couple. Strangely compatible. They go on double dates often with Dylan and y/n. They're like relationship besties. Also the main reason Dylan and y/n got together.

Dylan's parents

Linda + Doug (r.i.p.) O'Brien

Age: Linda is 45

Occupation: his mom retired early when his dad died only a few years ago, y/n’s mom's best friend

Likes: her son's girlfriend, her two cats, soup, anything with chocolate or wine

Dislikes: when her cats fight, long lines at the grocery store, judgemental people

Brief summary: his dad was an entrepreneur and investor but died tragically in a car accident. His mom worked in hospice until her husband died and she retired early. They were together for almost 20 years. They had Dylan when they were in their mid twenties, there were so many complications with the pregnancy the doctor recommended she not have another child because her life would be at risk. Is loving and compassionate, would do anything for her son.  

Flaws: ????? Linda is perfect leave her alone but Doug isn't a good driver.

Aaron

Age: 25

Occupation: Entrepreneur

Likes: music, food, his dog

dislikes: small dogs, overcooked steak, scrambled eggs, stupid people

Brief Summary: y/n’s brother. just married to his wife Ashley, has a big dog that he prides himself on. Successful, slightly egotistical, thinks he’s better because he’s older and more “mature” than y/n. kind of a dick but has good intentions. 

[ruubiix]

TMI. I apologise.

I’m really good at fake it till I make it. That’s probably why it’s taken up until now for my mom to notice that I have social anxiety. It’s kinda concerning. My parents also have no idea when I’m depressed or stressed. I feel like this is also concerning. This is complicated by the fact that my parents are “I’ll believe it when I see it” people, so they don’t think I have anything going on. So I can say “I’m not okay” but it’ll probably not do anything. They also still hold things aginst me that I did at 7, so that doesn’t help either. It’s frustrating. I know I’m not the most mature person ever, but I am self-aware. Is driving anxiety a thing because I think I have that? I’d rather walk than drive. I feel like my parents show affection in the form of favours or exchanges. I feel like they did me a lot of favours in high school, but they were also more frustrating then too. When my cousin lived here they were hard on her too, but through me because I didn’t want her to go through the blunt of that. It was nice having her here though she’s like a sister to me. I felt stronger for having her to go through life with. it was like a sleepover that lasted a couple years. I wonder if that’s what it’s like having real siblings. probably? it was nice having a player 2. I wish I could have that with my brother but he’s 2 mentally so no. I think I’ve only had one real conversation with him in 15 years.Talking to him is very one sided obviously. It’s weird raising your own brother, and then he’s taller than you. The height you wanted to be. I feel like he gets what he wants and he gets to be selfish, but when I even want chips that’s too much. Is that just me or is it really too much? I didn’t realise how trained I am to please my mom till my cousin came and kept doing things that upset her. it was small things like leaving a cup upside down in the sink or using all the knives in the same week. all these small things crimes. I love my mom but she is taxing if you don’t do things her way. And it’s taken me my whole life till now to make her semi-happy. I’m sure if I got a job she’d be happier. dad isn’t subtle about the job thing either. I’ve signed up for so many jobs never to hear back. my parents don’t think I've tried hard enough. They think I should go to these places and stake them out till I get the job. I actually did that once with awkward results. They told me corporate made those decisions and I was wasting my time. I’d like a job that suited me. One where I could work with young kids maybe teach them crafts or something. idk I have no idea. I’ve hit a rut. I just want a nice comfortable job, maybe an apartment, and maybe a dog. I’d also like it if my cat didn’t freak out when meeting said dog, but she’s afraid of everything and has more anxiety than I do. I’m glad I took her she never would have survived outside, because of all the stimuli. I’m glad we found my cousin’s cat too. He seems to help her with her depression. I wonder if the library would hire me? I’ve already tried once before though, and the bookstore. It's hard to name a place I haven’t tried. I wonder if it’s my appearance I don’t know how to dress female really without being awkward so I normally do suits because I feel more comfortable, but then my hair sucks so I wear a hat which is ill-advised, but without a hat I feel anxiety. maybe I should just wear a wig then I don’t have to brush my hair or anything at all. Why am I so bad at social things. This is why I bounce from looking confident to awkward in 2.5 seconds flat. I can talk to a biologist and a Ceo and R.l. stine and my other favourite author, but then I get to a freaking wendy’s counter or a job interview and I suck. Why??? I can just freaking black out and do great but if I am in total control I just fail at being human. I honestly half think that the CEO was hitting on me. Also, I’m too gullible especially when it comes to children. I gave this guy in target 50 that I just earned so that he could get himself and his kid home and he told me he’d be back to pay me back, and I gave him my number because he asked, but he never came back or called me. I called his number but he never picked up, so I just freaking stayed in target till they closed like an idiot. And what’s funny is that my hotter then me love thinks they’re not good enough for me. They think this after they’re so freaking talented with art and music. I mean wow. So what if they “just” went to art school. I mean they have they’re problems too, and I could be more vocal about talking to them about what bother me, but I’m just too awkward, and I confuse them a lot because we’re little bit on different frequencies. Like they’re on 98.3 and I’m on 98.5 so there’s some static. I love being with them, though. I just feel empty when I’m not with them? like I don’t miss them as strongly as they miss me (which bothers me too. I feel guilty) but I feel less happy for sure. They helped me love myself so maybe that’s why. I have this problem though that if I want something I might hint at the thing but I will not go for it. So, I was totally fine just being friends and then repetitively I’m fine not hanging out when I could have and wanted to with just a small sacrifice. It’ like being selfish is wrong for me.Everything I do is mostly to please others namely my family. My only way to not do what they want is to just put it off to last minute and then do it anyway. I should really see someone for all this, but then my anxiety about phones and then the stupid uni has only a phone number for their psychologists and then on top of that the uni is freaking miles away and I’d have to drive or burden my friend with that. Oh and I should be studying for a freaking test on top of all that so I can officially join my freaking major. I wish I had a quiznaking small loan of a million dollars to start a stress-free business and then live a quiet life donating money to charity and helping kids afford college and get out of bad neighbourhoods or something. Be one of those businesses that fund the local school and end up on fliers and news pamphlets to take home. I kinda wish I could do that thing like they do on tv where the college kid takes a break from college to “find themselves” and then they go on a peaceful but exciting adventure that makes their dreams come true.

[emmegoeswriting]

Okay, so it's that time of year where I really want some new partners -- or just some new plots if we're already writing together!

I've included below some plots that I am super interested in -- whether you're someone who just falls in love with plots and headcanons a bunch or wants to do writing threads, I'm up for either. I've fallen into a bunch of free time with leaving an organization that I was with and don't plan to replace it with anything except for writing.

Feel free to like this or to message me, I'd love to hear from you!

i’d really love a plot where there’s this like innocent virgin who’s really good-ish friends with this super hot player type of guy and they just he stands up for her and it’s not like he pressures her for anything, they’re just really good friends !! and one night they’re going to a bar and someone makes an asshole comment about her (it could be about her being a virgin or the guys next victim or whatever) and then the guy goes to defend her and instead of him being able to say something he’s super surprised when she turns around and just punches this guy in the face and he ends up having to like have to drag her off of the guy and then because wow she let one of her impulses take control and it worked and it felt better than bottling everything up wow !! maybe she should give into more of her impulses and then they’re walking back to her house or hotel room or whatever and they’re talking and laughing about the whole thing and she makes a comment about how i was nice to let go for once and then next thing he knows !! she’s kissing him and then one thing leads to another and they hook up and wow !! what next ?? are we still friends ?? are we more ?? idk i just really want it i’m looking at this now and just

plot where “your best friend left my sister at the altar because you made him question if he was ready or not literally seconds before the wedding and i’m supposed to hate you by association but the reception’s happening and there’s an open bar and oops we slept together oops we keep sleeping together my sister’s gonna kill me i’m supposed to hate you oh it turns out your best friend is staying with you and you’re defending his actions what the fuck is wrong with you………………wait were you sleeping with my sister before the wedding is that why you convinced your best friend to leave????”

someone give me a plot where muse a is living in this nyc apartment complex, and the apartment across the hall from her has always been empty, until one day she finally sees someone moving in. she introduces herself to the guy moving in, muse b, and is immediately attracted to him. before long, they end up going on a few dates, although muse b is hesitant at first, and at the end of the third date, muse a tries to invite muse b into her apartment for the night, but he declines. she’s confused and initially embarrassed, until he tells her that she should come into his apartment, because he has something to show her. they walk in and there’s a teenage girl on the couch. muse a is extremely confused now, especially when muse b introduces the girl as the babysitter. it isn’t until a tiny little two-year-old comes toddling around the corner that she realizes that muse b is a single father.

plot where muse a and muse b first meet when theyre both young and stupid at a wedding they hit it off things happen they hook up and that’s that then years later theyre reunited through another wedding both have matured and whoa they got way hotter from before and what a coincidence muse a is in the wedding party again as the maid of honor/best man but this time muse b is the bride/groom but oh not to worry it’s all completely platonic we were dumb teens the last time we hooked up of course but wow why didnt i actually try to hold a real conversation with you you’re so smart and funny and you make me laugh we could be really good friends and they are good friends and muse a becomes muse b’s confidant and the designated person they run to when things get rough like do you think the ring’s okay/is it just me or does this dress look completely wrong/we decided on blue and silver for the colors but idk i always hated that it’s so cliche and muse a is there through it all slowly slowly slowly falling in love with muse b and is conflicted like do i tell them how i feel what the fuck am i saying no i can’t ruin this for them theyre marrying my best friend but theyve become my best friend too until one day muse b runs to muse a i think my fiance’s cheating on me and i know he’s/she’s your best friend can you find out for me oh god please ((and ofc if the fiance is cheating on muse b then theres that whole issue of muse a finding out and trying to decide between their own happiness and their best friend’s happiness with the person they’ve started to love))

no decided face claims / male and female pairing
PLOT BUNNY
MUSE A is a secret service agent who has been assigned to protect MUSE B, the president’s daughter, much to their frustration and annoyance. The pair don’t get along, to say the least, and have little to nothing in common aside from her father and he’s making it very clear that he has much better things to do than be trailing around behind her these days.

cliché best friend’s older brother plot where muse a is infatuated with their best friend’s older brother muse b, who they see occasionally when they’re over to study or for a sleepover. when muse a is a freshman and at their first high school party, they have their first kiss who’s later discovered to be muse b. muse b rejects muse a as soon as they’re confronted, which leaves muse a heartbroken until muse b goes off to college. three years later muse a gets accepted to the same college as muse b, and they see each other once again.

can i have a plot where muse a is this rich guy and he’s in a relationship but he also has a side girl aka muse b who he sees often and makes sure she’s taken care of and pampered and basically she’s his stress relief, his “baby girl” and he always visits her when he comes home from business trips and also sends her to places in his own private jet to come see him whenever he wants and she’s basically his secret and it all starts out as fun and games and cuteness and sexiness until muse b wants more ( an exclusive relationship ) and muse a can’t give it to her pls!!

ok but a 1x1 with two single parents maybe one is a widow and one is getting divorced and yeah they’ve always sat in the back of pta meetings making jokes about helicopter parents but then suddenly they’re both alone and there are so many possibilities and just a relationship between two adults who have dealt with enough and lived enough that they know what they want and aren’t looking to fuck around and yeah maybe they start off as ‘ur a parent and u understand my life and how hectic it is so maybe we can just help eachother out in the bedroom section of our lives’, maybe it turns into something real and the slow integration of their families and lives and in the end maybe they still do sit at the back of pta meetings and make fun of other parents

I have an 8 AM tomorrow and I can hear you having sex above me. Stop that shit. - MUSE A is a light sleeper, and they’re very serious about getting their sleep. With their 8 AM in mind, they went to sleep around midnight to get a solid amount of sleep. Cue the bed squeaks through the ceiling. Sounds like MUSE B’s having a lot of fun up there – oh, there are the moans. Hell no. MUSE A stomps up there to give MUSE B a piece of their mind. MUSE B apologizes and the noise stops. Time skip to next week. Oh, the familiar sounds of bed squeaks and a different person’s moans. MUSE A is back at MUSE B’s door. They’re not so nice this time around. This keeps happening until MUSE A really loses it. Fun stuff.

[shadesofhue]

Emotionally unavailable, and not afraid to admit it. Here’s why:

Far too often, we spend time putting on a front to be things that we are not. Two things that I’ve learned in my adult life is that I have a great ability to care when I genuinely do, and absolutely no interest in pretending to when I don’t... and to me, that’s okay.  Honestly, it JUST hit me a few seconds ago that I am emotionally unavailable and I don’t have a problem admitting that. Why? Because... it’s honest. In my younger years (a few years ago) I would be limited with my honesty with intentions to save energy in hurting people’s feelings, and that backfired. I would devote myself to men who were emotionally unavailable to me, and the guys who were all about me as I was emotionally unavailable to them. Of course I would tell them the truth about things like, “oh, well... i’m actually talking to someone right now!” or “i’m at a stage in my life where i’m figuring things out and gathering qualities and pieces from connections that I have with other men to decide what I like.” That period of my life in particular was lovely, yet stressful. I dated three guys at once, and they were all different. A CEO, an academic, and a creative. One of them I was head over hills for, the other two... well, they were close friends. I didn’t find out until ONE ended up telling me all of the things that the other was telling him, but he didn’t care because in his mind he was going to end up with me. How did I not know? I would have been a FOOL to just run around telling the guys that I was talking to and hanging out with, the other guys’ names. Like... who does that? I was GREEN, but I wasn’t DUMB. So when shit hit the fan, and i’m having creole cuisine with one and he goes on to tell me how the other is feeling, I have no choice but to laugh and think to myself this city IS really way too small. Anyway, he was super cool about it. He said he gets what he wants, no matter what, and well... that didn’t happen. Why? BECAUSE HE HAD A FUCKING BOYFRIEND that he was trying to leave. An academic who was with another academic, and maybe that just didn’t work out... for what reasons, I didn’t know. But I was the whimsical artist that he stumbled upon in the midst of him making his exit. Albeit, THEY WERE NOT DONE, and when I found out I told him the moment he told me that he was leaving his boyfriend that we were no longer considering that dating, and that we could be friends and shit would be limited. He left the state for a vacation and said he was gonna solidify the termination of his relationship, while away. Not only did I need clarity that I DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FAILURE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP, but that he shouldn’t use me as motivation to be single... because that’s just so close. I think I had given him until the New Year to make up his mind so that we wouldn’t waste time, but I believe by Thanksgiving, I was already heavily infatuated with someone else (the one I was head over hills for).  LOL so when he came back, the skies were a different shade of grey, I suppose. Anyway, the other (his really good friend) used to vent to him about how I wasn’t intimate or affectionate, and how he’d be lucky if I even held his hand. Something he already knew, because I was neither of those things with him either. The time I let the other one kiss me on the cheek, blew his mind. But he had just took me to dinner, a movie, and a bar for drinks. I guess you can say that peach ciroc and cranberry juice slightly dissolved my guards. Reason for me not being affectionate with him? It was clear... but I felt in my spirit that he was a really really sexual being. I wasn’t (with people I didn’t KNOW) and I just didn’t want that pressure of being awkward at the sound of all of his innuendos ALL OF THE TIME. I was barely getting to know him, yet I already knew what he was about. He genuinely liked me, but I was at a stage in my life where I was holding out for someone special, and he hadn’t become that someone special yet. I wasn’t a virgin, but you can say that I was born again LOL. I was what people would assume to be a prude, but quite honestly I’m freaky af, and was back then too... it just had to be special. Not rose petals and candle light special, but like... a connection... time... something!  He wasn't yet. But again, I was already somewhere else with someone else, and THAT was a blur. A big heart rattling “why don’t you love me?!” blur! 

He was a gypsy. He traveled from time zone to time zone, places where the seasons were opposite, and places my young ass tongue couldn’t even pronounce. He was IT! He was my inspiration. He was everything I talked about to my fraternity brother in college, when we talked about the men we’d settle down with once we settle down lmao. He was every aspect of an artist you can imagine, and I... well, I was his Winona. I was about 10 years younger than him, but our mentalities met each other somewhere in the middle. He had so much youth, so much spark, so much spontaneity... I, fresh out of college, slightly taking the world too seriously, while having a jovial free spirited nature that just flowed. He taught me how to actually BE YOUNG and FREE. He was my 2nd test. After what I [key word] considered my first love (19), before ever experiencing MY [probably another pseudo] FIRST LOVE [but with all possibly due respect, I can’t really call it that because it may have really been love but idk now because it was all just so confusing at the end] at (22) which is another story, and much deeper... but he landed somewhere in the middle and helped me develop a strength I would need to bare the tragedy that could have been (22). Now with him, I was beyond emotionally available. I was an emotional wreck LOL. I treated this man like he was my boyfriend. I had never had a boyfriend before, but I was a hopeless romantic. It was cute though, because I had did things for him, that no one has ever done before. Which was great... then I realized it was all practice, teaching me how to actually be a good boyfriend...because I too, had never done those things before. That’s what dating actually IS, so like... it’s not fucked up to say that right? Imean, not that I should care. I found out he lied to me about not dating anyone else, when we said we were “exclusive” (by this time I had cut the other two off... I was real about it) oooh... lol but then I ended up on some girls instagram who posted the same picture he did... OF HIM... with something that read like “titles are irrelevant, loyalty is all you neeeeed” ... LOYALTY?! GIRL, THE THINGS WE JUST DID... but then, I couldn't blame her. It wasn’t her. She was just as fooled as I was. I just had a stronger intuition lmfao. Instead of pulling some “woman-to-woman” stunt and hitting her up, I just removed myself. Why? because i’m a man... and I had a feeling this shit was happening. Which is kind of reversed, but whatever. I just told myself I wasn’t gonna block my blessings. Instead I blocked him, and ignored him for like 2 years. She... well, she ended up exposing him on a blog because she found out that he was with some other woman. How? ... LMAO I JUST TOLD YOU! Exactly what I said I wasn’t going to do... someone hit her up like “Hello, may I speak to barbara” (he name isn’t really barbara, if you heard the song, you’d get it) and from there came “diary of a mad mixed woman.” That was all she wrote, no pun intended. Apparently she was pregnant, but that ain’t none of my business. Remove, and all shall be revealed. 

ANYWAY.... I took some time to find myself, living happily ever after, getting my life together and going out with friends, turning up, sleepovers with my besties, THE WORKS... and ended up meeting the [pseudo-- but again I can’t really call it that, because if I took the time to actually think about it, I might dig myself into further confusion about the whole thing] “love of my life”. OH, THIS WAS IT!!!!! so I thought. LOL It was picture perfect. Beautiful. We were gorgeous. He was tall, caramel, and handsome. Me, I was short, fit into his arms like a puzzle, and to him... a total package. To me, he was a total package too. We needed a lil work in different ways... one of us more than the other... him in a lot of ways lol not funny, but it’s true. I just had to work on communication. At first, I was really nonchalant. Whenever he had mustered up some issue or something didn’t roll the way he thought it should I would just be like “Okay...” and he’d be like “See, YOU DON’T CARE blah blah blah”. Then I had to let him know, i’m a processor. I have to think and process things. If not, I could be really harsh if I don’t think about ways to address without attack. Anyways, We worshiped the ground we both walked on. Of course, because we walked together LOL. He was my first boyfriend. Whaaaaat?! Somebody finally tied Donnie down?! YUP! My lil feminine wiles attracted him, and he couldn't leave me alone. I thought he was just a lil friend. We started hanging out, having the best days ever and shit. It was cool. He became my best friend. It had finally dawned on me that he liked me one night we went out to a club. I had broke my phone the week before that, and was communicating with him through email. Printing out the directions to his apartment until I memorized the route, etc. I finally got my new phone and texted him. He was going out that night and invited me to join. I threw on my oversized pull-over, some skinny jeans, and my favorite boots and hit it. He was dancing on me and I was like okay this is that friend dance where you getting it because you’re close and they’re playing a jam ... nah, he kissed me on my neck and I was like O_O... oh, you’re drunk. I didn’t think too much about it, but it wasn’t until we left the club to go across the street for nachos when he grabbed my hand to lead me across the street, that I realized I liked him too. When we sat down to eat our food and his friends said their ride was there hurrying him to join, and he stayed I thought to myself “yup... this is the one”. We ended up being everything to one another. Time went on and we shared a life. To fast forward a bunch, that didn’t work out. I ended up learning that I wasn’t the free spirited, whimsical, joyful, light that I had always been. There was a major shift in me, and it had come from a lot of toxicity I experienced within that relationship. Things that I pray I do not experience ever again. My friends even noticed. It was a very dark time. I learned my lesson... and now, I don’t trust anyone...I’m working on it. For so much of that relationship I was accused of cheating, lying, and much more. IT WAS DRAINING. Hell, I almost started not trusting myself, like wtf? My phone would ring or vibrate and i’d be like O_O. Heart racing, and so much more, when I KNEW I WASN’T DOING A DARN THING. Like... you’ve gotta be reeeeally good and persistent to convince someone that they’re doing something they aren’t supposed to be doing. It got so bad, that I didn’t even trust some of my friends hitting me up. Like...”we ain’t talked 80% of this relationship, we ain’t friends no more... because he might think you’re someone new... but i’ve known you my whole life.” It’s kind of.... twisted and dark and sad. DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO EVER GET THERE!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God I recovered those friendships from the awkwardness that was “living in the shadows of my partner’s insecurities”. I didn’t understand how I was the best boyfriend I could possibly be, the most loyal, nurturing, and caring person to someone... and still not be good enough. Then one day I paid a bill to nelnet student loan services and said bihhhh... YOU ARE NOT IN THE DEBT FOR NOTHING. With a degree in sociology and psychology, you better ANALYZE FOR YOUR LIFE! Literally... and so I did. I realized... I was caught in the web of a narcissist. With the information gathered through the stories of getting to know someone, I used my sociological imagination to sort out all of the things that he went through when he was a child and how that affected him as an adult... that made me more compassionate though. So, what ended up happening? I had become emotionally unavailable. I had to stop caring as much as I did. Because the more I cared, the more I would stay or ...go back, for that matter. I didn’t stop caring, I just couldn’t do so as MUCH to the point where I would put him and the situation before ME. ALL OF THAT TO SAY...  That was the point where I realized what I needed to do. I needed to water me. I needed to grow. I needed to find my light and my joy. I needed to be selfish. I needed to leave toxic professional and personal relationships alike. I needed to find me and be happy with me. I needed to teach myself how to love me unconditionally again. To be gentle af with myself after being put through so much pressure, because what was mentioned wasn’t even half of it. But it created the diamond, that I knew myself to be. I needed to FOCUS and get myself together for what is truly meant for me in my life. I kid you NOT... I used to be afraid to chase certain dreams in that relationship. Because I knew that being in certain industries would come with a different type of connection and attention that would bring the type of recognition that could make an insecure person shrink... and i’m not talking about me. I couldn’t be the star that I know that I am. There were pop-up shops and set-up times I was late to for my brand, panel discussion call-times that I was almost late to because of inconsideration and my focus being thrown off right before I go up to speak because of the heated tension that came with that. I AM TOO MUCH OF AN EMPATH to be in the wrong relationships. Granted, I learned everything I needed to learn and I appreciate that relationship in its totality because quite honestly, it wasn’t all bad. There were really sweet moments that deserve credit. However, the affects that each and every one of these people had on me, no matter how impactful the relationship we had helped make me into a better person THROUGH ALL OF THE TROUBLES. After being single for a year, and being completely raw with myself and vulnerable yet honest with others... I learned that it’s OKAY. I used to think that your value increases upon relationships. That to be deemed worthy, you have to be attractive and maintain/sustain what you attract. That’s when I was a hopeless romantic, longing for love and companionship, and intimacy/affection from select individuals. NOW, my success and happiness is my priority. To fully enJOY life and myself. I’m selfish. 

I learned that at this moment in my life, I am the most beautiful I have ever been. Naturally. Innately. I see the light, that others see. I see my warmth and tenderness... when just last year, I was almost SO tough and COLD. I had a conversation with one of my best friends who is a strong Black woman, and we decided ... “I don't want to be a savage. I WANT to be a sweetheart!” I am just that. I’m still a sweet heart, but I am just honestly, emotionally unavailable. I almost wrote a Facebook status talking about how guys will be like “I really don’t think you know how beautiful you are!” Like... “Yes I do!” I’m just chill AF. I genuinely receive compliments with grace and express that gratitude with great energy, but I stopped putting so much weight on another man’s ability to see my beauty and vocalize it. I have watched a man cry while telling me how beautiful I was to him, and if he was upset with me... I was absolutely nothing. That’s confusing. Thank God I have a strong sense of self. I worked on this. This comes primarily from the inside. THAT’S GOALS! To work on yourself so diligently from the inside that your beauty is not only internal, but eternal. No matter where looks go, where my body shifts, that I will possess the type of beauty that will not only last my lifetime, but a legendary everlasting beauty that will be remembered by those who knew and knew of me. 

What inspired this long ass story? I had opened up an article that was titled 3 guys share what it means when a man is emotionally unavailable. I believe it’s better to talk about and acknowledge certain things than to gloss over them as if they are not there. Yes, i’ve been through some whirlwinds of relationships... many of us have. No, i’m not afraid to talk about them, because quite frankly WE NEED TO! To be honest, I don’t know what it means that I am emotionally unavailable other than the fact that I am focused on getting to a place in my life where when i’m ready and able to settle down I will be established and have SO MUCH MORE TO GIVE (as a whole). I KNOW THAT I AM AN OUTSTANDING MAN! I also know that I am going to be THE BEST PARTNER/HUSBAND/PARENT etc when the time is come, but now is not the time. No time soon. 

I thank God for blessing me with the strength and awareness of the importance of healing during this time. Break-ups, traumas, heart-ache... all of those things. I’m glad that I didn’t fill a void with other things... instead I took care of myself toward the end of that relationship, post-relationship, before chasing success, and during the climb. In FACT, it is the reason why that relationship ended. I chose myself, and I will continue to do so. Until then... I have to be real. My capacity to share my emotional well-being and my energy with someone else (relationship-wise) is not up to par for anyone to expect anything serious from me. I’ve been on this journey of single success and happiness for a year now. I just so happened to realize that I am emotionally unavailable, and again... to me, that’s okay.  

[strawberryspeachy]

I can read through the convo I’ve had with that boy for the past month in the same amount of time it takes me to read through a day in the summer

He actually asked me questions and kept the conversation going and joked with me so reading through any given day can take upwards of 10 minutes. And most of those days we had half of the conversation via Snapchat that I can longer see

It takes about 7 minutes to read what is me just me talking and him either not responding or giving one word replies or reluctantly a few sentences after I’ve nagged at him about it :(

Yea yea. Take the hint. From November to now (March) exact same day too... he’s never wanted to talk to me

There’s literally been two instances that he talked to me normally and I melted for the rest of the day. Not long either. Just him texting me first to just tell me something. So short that I’d even wondered those times if he accidentally texted me instead of someone else.

I’ve asked every question except for “do you actually want to talk to me” because as he said yesterday. The answers no. I knew it was no. That’s why I’ve stressed over everything else. Because I knew this whole time he hasnt wanted to talk to me. And I’ve asked every question

Why are you ignoring me

Why are you talking to that girl

Why don’t you treat me like you treat them

Why didn’t you look at my picture

Did you like my picture

Do you still think I’m pretty

Am I annoying you

Who are you texting

What are you doing

Any question around the focus. Do you WANT to talk to me.

No.

He doesn’t care about me at all.

I hate that he has options.

It sucks. Because if he didn’t have options. I know he’d like me. He did before. He got bored and there’s always someone else willing to be there for him so he can drop any of those feelings and leave

Me though. I don’t have options. No one I ever legitimately like reciprocates those feelings.

Years go by intbetween the times someone I truely want to be with comes along and shows interest.

If I had options and he wanted me I’d choose him and that’s what sucks. Because he won’t choose me and I don’t have other options.

It’s not like I haven’t been open to guys advances. But no one ever does. I’ve become interested in boys I didn’t find physically attractive but who were nice to me and acted interested. And then they were even meaner to me.

I’m fucked up. I’m miserable. I’m a shitty person when I’m upset. But I always meet these guys when I’m feeling ok. I don’t show that side. I do everything right.

There’s a legitimate attraction. We talk about our lives and interest. We joke and laugh together. We show interest in each other. I don’t flake on people even when I really want to but everyone I’ve ever met had cancelled on me at the last second. And with these dudes that do that (with the exception of the college dude) I’ve always been a normal understanding person who goes - that’s ok! You do what you gotta do we can reschedule if you want!

I don’t understand. I genuinely don’t understand. I’m not trying to make myself look good by any account when I say I literally have no clue what’s goes wrong every time.

NO ONE. WILL. TELL. ME.

It’s been happening my whole life and I started getting mad about it come college. I started demanding to know. Ive started acting like the crazy person when it happens. And. It doesn’t lead to answers

To be fair I started off just nicefully asking. All that got me was ‘what are you talking about? I didn’t stop talking to you! We’re talking right now’

When when I started pointing out that we are because I tracked them down I get ‘I’m sorry! I’ve been really busy!! I didn’t even realize’

Pointing out what it is they’ve been doing that show they no longer want to talk lead to people reacting the same way as if I went insane on them. I literally haven’t recieved a different response to me politely and thoughtfully going

‘hey. Idk if you’ve meant to do this. But it feels like you don’t want to talk to me anymore. You’re responses have been shorter and we don’t talk much anymore. You don’t seem to find my jokes funny anymore even thought they’re the same as before. And you haven’t reached out in a while - it’s just been me. Maybe you’re busy with (insert whatever thing I knew they were up to a month ago) and I’m sorry if I’m bothering you if that’s the case. But I was just wondering if I did something wrong’

That would lead to the same ‘OMG YOU EXPECT SO MUCH FROM ME!! I HAVE MY OWN LIFE AND DONT HAVE TIME TO PUT UP WITH YOUR BS!! I HAVENT BEEN IGNORING YOU IVE BEEN TIRED AND BUSY.’ —- followed by being personally attacked with whatever it is that person feels (whether it be projecting. Bringing up something small from months before they stopped talking to me. Or whatever nerve I touched during my message or speech)

I’ve literally gotten the same response from doing that as I’ve gotten to say.... going to their house and confronting them at an inconvienient time.

Both generally followed by ‘you always play the victim’ or ‘ you do stuff like this so that’s why’

These same speaches come from people I’ve known as little at a week to people I’ve know for 10 years.

It sounds as thought I’m hiding something. I just act like this psycho person all the time probably right. It’s not like I can prove that’s not the truth..... it sucks.

I hold so much hate still toward my freshman year roommate because she reacted to me this way and I know for a fact I never did anything wrong to that girl. I consciously every second of the day made sure to be nice and considerate and positive. And when she left and told the world that I was the devil. The only things she said that actually happened were

1) I raised my voice. I did whine loudly that one time at the like 3rd time her and her bf tried to have sex in the bunk bed above me I let out a loud whine and in the same pitch said “please stop I’m trying to sleep”

2) I had a dusty fan. You’re right. I should have cleaned it. It only blew on me but that’s my b. It didn’t occur to me that it was a problem but I would have cleaned it if she ever told me it bothered her

3) one night I got irritated and yelled at my printer and hit it. Yes. I did that. It was quite late but she was over on her computer and all the lights were one. I got stressed out that my printer stopped working and in a louder tone went something to the effect of “what the fuck you stupid thing!!” My friends earrring had dissapeared inside of it a few days prior. We looked for it but the printer ate and hid it somehow. I hit the printer in frustration. And then it began to work and in a happy voice I went “oh cool that worked” according to her that incident made my fucking psycho.

4) not in her list of complaints to everyone as to why I was the absolute worst were. One time I walked in and didn’t see her sleeping. So I turned on the light as I talked to my friend. I felt really bad when she sat up very disoriented and apologized and turned the light back off and left. Another time I walked in while her and her bf were in the middle of fucking and backed back out of the room.

One time when I was going to a party my friend said I should have my roommate do my makeup - while she was sitting there. I was already getting vibes the girl didn’t like me and so I didn’t try to talk to her unless she talked to me - keep it polite... I... didn’t actually admit to myself that she didn’t like me but I did try to give her as much space as you can in a dorm. She’d go to the library all day to be away from me so when she’d come back to go to sleep I’d go to the common room till I was ready to sleep. Stuff like that. But my friend saying that right in front of her I went with it and excitedly went - you’re right she does do great makeup and asked her if she’d like to do my makeup for me. She said ok. And when the day came I texted her and asked her if she still was ok with doing my makeup. She said she was busy studying and went that’s ok! I didn’t tell my friend that I thought she didn’t like me or anything. I just stayed surface level and said she’s busy studying! That’s ok! I don’t think my face is a good canvas for her preferred makeup.

I have literally never tried harder in my life to be good to someone. And that girl fucking despised me. She didn’t just dislike me but she wanted EVERYONE to hate me. And she went out of her way to make that happen.

And that’s what’s devastating about it. Not that she was a great person. She wasn’t. She said things that disturbed me all the fucking time and I would be positive and compliment her on something that’s going well for her or that’s she’s doing good now. I successfully for the first time since elementary school stayed positive with someone who tried so hard to make me say something mean. And instead of anything good was punished for it.

And she did what she sought out to do. My friends stayed on my side and told me how they didn’t understand why she disliked me so much. But I could always see them wondering - it’s it true? She’s actually insane to be with too long isn’t she? So many things for the next few months that they didn’t just tell me she was doing. They waited to see if I brought it up myself. Like I told my one friend days later that I asked someone on my floor if they knew why she had moved out. If she said anything specific about what I’d done. And he told me he didn’t even know she left. That’s when my friend spoke up and said - no she tagged him on fb and said thanks for helping her move out. No one told me toll the next year that she had added the boy I liked on fb. Not till once again I said I was talking to him and it was good at first but then he suddenly pulled away and idk why. Then suddenly - oh yeah! She added him on fb btw - they’re friends.

[wishingfornever]

9/11/17 – No Contact:  In the Dumps

It’s the next day.  Doesn’t feel good.  Still hurts. I saw the new episode of Rick and Morty.  Three times.  It was… moving.  Strange episode.  Maybe we’ll see it sometime. Right now, I’m up thinking up book titles.  I was thinking about it and I don’t like the current title, so I need a new one.  One that’s easier to pronounce.  Might include a colon.  No, not a butthole.  One of these => :

Sort of like “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.”  Technically no colon but the “and” is supposed to be the colon.

I’m doing some edits.  Starting on chapter 1 again.  I switched the order from Avdotya, Sarvar, Atlas, Diego to Avdotya, Atlas, Sarvar, Diego. The purpose of this is because the colors are now Green Red Yellow Blue which the seasons are Spring Summer Autumn Winter.  They colors are coded better, I think.  Of course, there is red in Autumn but… it didn’t feel right to have Atlas as Autumn.  So, he’s summer. Might have included this more recently.  I don’t know when I thought to associate them with seasons.

Anyways, I also made the cover.  I hope you like it.  I drew the eyes myself. Years ago.  I took a picture I drew and cut out the eyes and then edited it so it’d look better with the background which is green. The next book will have a red cover.  I think I’ll have a cannon on that one.  Or a sword.  Maybe a guy in a kilt, idk yet.  The third book with Sarvar will have a horse.  Diego, idk yet.  He might actually be the cannon.  The final book will have a series of headstones on it.  Or something to represent the end of the book and the war.  Might have the outline of a flag, draped and torn.  I’ll see. Still depressed btw.  I’m in a terribly mood.  Didn’t exercise yesterday but I will have to today.  I don’t intend to message you, so I’ll be fine.  Going to do a dump run later today, so I have to get out of bed regardless.  Thing is, I’ve been doing all the work thus far (currently 4 am) without that attend pill.  I think later, I’ll take that pill and get started.

I suspect I can get a lot done.  I want to go through your notes, too. I’m trying to also remember that there needs to be more action (your advice).  Now that I’ve written it down, it’ll be easier to remember.  I want to add more substance to Sarvar and Atlas.  Ironic that they’re the two that got switched and they need reworking.  A lot of attention on them. I need to change the setting of the duel.  I can’t remember, but it’s supposed to be winter.  So that means there’s snow in London’s streets.  Or something, idk. I really should start setting dates.  I have some frame of references (such as Avdotya’s birthday being in summer and the escape of that British general from Sweden) so I’ll have to work with the time frame just enough to get prepared for the next book.  Unfortunately, I didn’t start early in 1808 but in the middle.  D’oh! I’ll make it work.  These years were chaotic.  1809 was really Chaotic too.  Thing is, Diego has to be in three battles and one of them is a siege.  After that, he gets exiled from Spain.  Atlas will be in several of those battles but will also be in a few others himself. Probably the most.  In fact, it’s basically everyone gets in battles… The thing is, Diego is technically a commander where as Atlas is a line officer.  Avdotya and Sarvar are frontline troops.  Thus, the perspective of the battles vary from individual soldier to full field scenario.  Avdotya has some super dramatic moments.  I’m exited to write about her.  I love the snow and most her battles are in the snow. I got an idea.  That sea battle.  I should rewrite the chapter to make Atlas a part of the marines on one of the Swedish ships.  More action, right?  That’d be great to.  He’d mostly be standing around and firing when they’re close enough.  That’s a good idea. No one is around to tell me it’s bad so it must be good! ACTION!!!

I also need to explain Diego’s halberdier usage a bit more.  I meant to imply he was using it like a bayonet but I can’t seem to remember if I mentioned that.  Minor thing, can get fixed easily.

Six in the morning.  I just finished creating the covers for the first two books and the bases for the other three.  I don’t want to use too many pictures from the internet (using one thus far for the second book) because I can get sued for using certain images.  That said, I’m going to need to send a picture of a horse to someone to get it on my computer.  Then I can use the image of the horse on the third book.  Halberd could be on the third and the final book will have something just… disheartening.  I don’t want to use a cross but I do want to use headstones.  Then again, that might be too on the nose.  I’ll work on it. Today is Jonny’s birthday. I’m not going to message him though.  Might not have to go to the dump, either.  Because… 9/11.  Government Memorial Day.  Meaning probably won’t be open, idk.  I’m going to use it as an excuse to stay home and not fret.  I’ll end up sleeping here soon.  When I do, I’ll wake up and take my vitamins/pills, do my sets of 25, and then get started editing the book.  I like the new title.  I removed the “The” because I hate how it sounds.  So now it’s… Now that I think about it, I’m fairly certain I won’t be able to be distributed in schools.  Which is fucking DUMB.  Whatever, it’s not hairy butter anyways.  It’s SHATTERED ERA!!!  An era that’s shattered!  WHAAAAAAAAT?!?  SO SUCCESSFUL!!! I hope it is. Honestly, if I write these books and I don’t make it then I don’t know what I’ll do.  Probably kill myself. Not joking, you know how I was with this first book.  You had to blackmail me so I wouldn’t.  Right now, I’ll set a goal.  Second book by the end of 2018.  Series completed by 2020.  That’s my goal and if I fail, I’ll probably kill myself.  I’m taking myself hostage and I’m getting results. I can do it.  I think I could finish the second book by the end of the year if I really tried.  That’s if I didn’t have to edit my current book… I have a lot to do, unfortunately.  So, good thing I set the second book for next year. I want to be a published author by the time I’m 30. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me.  There is.  There has always been.  I’ve got some push now.  I just need to know where those Attend pills come from and I’ll be set.  Optimism.  :D

Fuck. The dump is still open.  So, in about three hours I have to leave and then I have to meet my dad and mom at the Kopper Kettle.  I’ve shown my mom the cover I made.  She likes it, I think.  Mostly, she just started nagging me about how I need to register my book.  I told her I had to finish editing it first and then she told me I should take an English class. I don’t want schooling.  I don’t think I need it.  It’d probably help but the thing is, I’ve been out of high school since I was 17.  Then I tried community college and dropped out.  There was too much pressure in the household at the time and I felt like I wasted my time.  Haven’t gone since.  I’ve actually avoided it as much as possible. I sent the final work to Adela. I think she’ll like it too.  Currently 6:30 so… it’s time I got some sleep.  At least for two hours.  I’ve been running on so little sleep lately, it’s crazy.  I’ll try to update when I get back from the dump. Kiki is super cuddly right now.  I was holding her and she was loving it. I don’t think she minds being held, provided she’s not upside down.  That’s the problem.  We humans do that automatically because babies are held belly up.  Cats aren’t babies though.  Well, KIKI IS but she isn’t a human baby. That said, I finished the covers for all the books.  Might get sued, fairly certain I will. However, I might be able to pull it off because I edited the images A LOT so they’ll have a hard time proving it’s theirs.  That said, I used eyes for Avdotya, a sword for Atlas, a helmet for Sarvar, a Grenadier badge for Diego, and a rose for the final book (called Perdition).  Perdition also has a white cover to represent a world without color which is would be appropriate for the ending I want. HOLY FUCK!!!  I got a price quote for editing my book by a professional editor.  $4000.  Shit, Dude, I’m in the wrong business.  I should become a book editor.  That is a CRAZY amount of money for something so simple.  Christ.  x.x

Alright, getting ready to go.  I’ll message you when I return.  Love you. <3

That… went poorly.  I got sad at the beginning of the journey when I tried to put on the hat and realized it was too small because you wore it last.  Then I got really sleepy.  It was weird, I wasn’t that sleepy until I was driving.  Might have something to do with those Attend pills?  Idk. Along the way, the tarp ripped.  Then the rope that held the tarp down ripped.  Then it ripped again.  And again.  I had such a hard time, I had to go recollect garbage that had flown into the middle of the road.  I lost my temper again.  I hit my truck so hard, the dash came loose.  Then I hit my truck again while I was fighting with the garbage.  Left a dent. Once I got to the dump, there was a long line.  The lady working the cash register was in training.  It was also Monday meaning garbage built up over the weekend so people are dumping more today than any other day. I got up to the spot, but there wasn’t enough room. Or at least, there wasn’t enough room that I was comfortable with because the rear window was blocked and I couldn’t see so I couldn’t back up safely.  I didn’t have anyone to guide me either.  Really could have used a wingman today.  :/ So… I waited.  Decided it’d help.  I was shaking, I was so upset and frustrated.  I know it doesn’t sound good but I had to collect myself.  Thus, Facebook and waited for room.  Eventually, space opened up and I threw everything away.  The tarp, the cans, the garbage.  Everything.  It didn’t matter what, it was gone. On the way back, I felt… ashamed that I had gotten so upset.  My hand still hurts.  However, today was not easy and it hasn’t been easy at all lately.  You don’t exactly do wonders for my self-esteem right now.  I’m just stressed… frustrated… and this is my only outlet.  On the way back, this was all I was looking forward to. Originally, I was going to go to McDonald’s as I do when I stressed… but lifestyle change.  I wanted a Frappe.  That is basically nothing but sugar.  I considered getting a green tea, but also nothing but sugar.  I decided to just drive home.  My rage had turned to sorrow.  Began to recant everything I did to lose you.  I really don’t deserve a second chance.  :/ I left at 9 and I started writing at 12.  That’s too much time for what I did. My dad just got back.  Not sure from what, but he’s calling me.  I’m not in the mood for it, though.  Allen is also over.  I’m not in the mood for that, either.  My mom wanted to talk to me, but I don’t want to expose myself to Allen right now.  I just need some quiet time to myself.  I’ve had a very rough day and my dad and Allen are the last people I want to talk to right now.

I thought it went well.  Apparently not.  I wonder if those book covers are going to bomb or get me in trouble somehow.  My mom suggested I use her eyes so I wouldn’t get hit with a copyright suit.  I had to tell her that I drew those eyes myself.  Kind of proud of that.

I need new shoes, too.  There are goat heads in them.  Also, they’re literally falling apart.  I was thinking about that as I waited. Started thinking about how we used to go to the mailbox and back and you said I needed shoes that supported me.  You also said we’d get them eventually.  Unfortunately, we didn’t last much longer than that.

I’m afraid of you reading this journal… after everything I’ve said, you’re bound to hate me more.  Why am I trying?  Everything I do ends up a colossal failure.  Speaking of failure, an old business associate of mine died yesterday.  He was 54 years old. Before you feel bad, know I didn’t know him that well and when I first met him he was unprofessional and out of line.  I didn’t have much respect for him but it was weird because everyone else did.

That’s life.  The worst people become successful.  When you try your hardest, you just end up losing yourself.  I wasn’t this bad.  My rage wasn’t so bad.  My depression wasn’t so bad. Ugh… I’m going to stop talking for a little while.  And by that, I mean I’m going to hate myself a bit and associate with my dad and Allen. Fucking fantastic.  Ugh, my neck hurts and I don’t know from what… I realize this as I’m about to stand up.  Again, rough day.  Brb ><

Literally the first thing my dad did was shit on me.  Gee, thanks.

On the way here I nearly drove into oncoming traffic.  Or at least, I was afraid I would have.  I’m not in a good place right now.  Glad I’m leaving.  Of which, I’m leaving on the 30th of this month.  My dad is calling me again.  Appropriate timing to emphasize my point of why I hate it here.

I want to die.  But I can’t.  Not yet.  I wish I could just be left alone for a minute.  I need to escape.

I also need to go to the bathroom but I won’t until Allen has left.

He left.  My dad got me… popcorn balls.  I had to tell him that I cut sugar out of my diet.  He means well.  Of course, he’s also a dick too like previously mentioned, but he means well most of the time.

My mom asked me to move the mirror to the other room.  She told me that she got it for herself but thought that you’d need it more.  I don’t know why but that makes me really sad.  Today is not a good day for me.  My emotions are on a hair trigger right now.  I wish you were here.  I really need you right now.

You hate me for trying… for trying to reconnect.  For trying to get what we once had.  I wish you’d just hear me out.  Fuck me for trying.  Fuck me for doing anything.  I can’t succeed in anything.  Why am I still trying? Ugh… I’m overly emotional.  I’ll stop rambling and spare you my self-pity.  ><

I’ve been having vivid dreams lately.  You were in this one but it wasn’t too important.  It mostly dealt with my rage so it’s for me to remember how it happened.

It’s 11:35.  I woke up like an hour ago thinking it was the next day.  Was getting ready to name this entry and start the next.  I was hearing music and footsteps outside my door and I was just hoping it would go away and I was convinced I was losing my mind. Turns out, my dad is still up.  I feel a little dumb.  Go figure, eh?  I expected it to be like 4 in the morning or something.  I was trying to go back to sleep because I have this kink in my neck that just won’t go away. I feel better today.  I think I was asleep since about 1:30pm?  Hard to say, my last activity was recorded at about 1.  I’m still sleepy, but if my guess is correct, I’ve got a full 8 hours plus another half hour.  Thats if I had to guess, though.

I hate flying by myself.  I asked to leave on the 30th so I could have a chance to see you again.  Ever hopeful, am I right? I wish you could go with me.  It’d make things easier for me.  We could drop you off at Shane’s and I could go back to Adela’s and you could go back to ignoring me.  God, this sucks.  >< There’s just… nothing I can do.  And I’m fairly certain after reading this entry at least, you’ll be convinced not to see me ever again. Not been a good day, not been a good entry.  Regardless, if you still get a chance to read this then you’ll read everything.  All 17,888 words thus far.  Hrm, seems numbers don’t count as words. Whatever…  Only 20 minutes left in the day.  I’ll stop writing for now and get the next entry prepped.  I love you.  Be safe.  <3