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thigiocamap · 9 months ago

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thoughts on empathy

i have always had very low empathy, and when i was younger i made no effort to mask it since i didn’t understand why i had to and also im autistic. to me, navigating different kinds of relationships with low empathy felt like dealing with the same kinds of “invisible rules” as is usual with social situations. i have never felt for other people, and so whenever my friends would feel sadness i just wasn’t able to understand why or feel sadness for them, and so i wasn’t able to be a very helpful friend. i’d essentially just think to myself “oh, this person is really upset, i guess. i dont really get why? why don’t they just stop? it’s so easy” because i wasn’t able to feel what they were feeling. it seemed easy to just “quit being sad” to me, because i had no idea what it felt like to be in their shoes in that moment

of course, no one really likes it when their friend doesn’t give a crap about your issues. there have been a lot of times when ive hurt people because of my low empathy. so eventually i learned to essentially “fake it til i make it” — i learned compassion, even though i don’t actually feel empathy.

because while i don’t have the empathy, i do /care/ about people, generally. i don’t feel the feelings, but i know that people don’t deserve to be treated in particular ways or deserve to experience particular things from a logical standpoint. so i learned how to express compassion, to help people and to essentially “make up” for not being able to feel the feelings on my own. because it’s not like most people can tell the difference anyways (people have expressed to me before that they think im extremely empathetic and sensitive to feelings just because i listen to people and try to help them feel better when they’re sad)

generally, my opinions on empathy are: you shouldn’t vilify people for having low/none of it (it doesn’t make people inherently evil or inhuman), but i also believe that compassion is a learned trait and that it’s fair to learn how to express it when needed, because it’s just the kind thing to do for others. my low empathy does make me at fault for a lot of situations when i dont account for it while talking to people, but i don’t consider it an excuse for when people i know are like, literally suicidal or going through the worst times of their lives or something. i think it’s obvious that i shouldn’t expect people to reciprocate in showing compassion to me if i won’t show it to them, so that’s also why i do it.

it bothers me when people act like empathy is inherently good/what makes us human, but it also bothers me when people act like having low empathy is an excuse to be the worst friend ever. because you really can fake it. it isn’t particularly hard to. you just need to tell people what you think they want to hear, and in 99% of cases it’s just “you don’t deserve to feel that way”, or “i will listen to you and respond to you more often”, or “you are my friend and these are the things i like about you”. they’re like logical solutions to the problems people are having, in my eyes. for me, figuring out logical solutions to a problem doesn’t have to mean attempting to navigate through invisible social rules (like what makes usual social interactions so difficult as an autistic person). like, for example, if a person is feeling like no one likes them, the logical solution to that is to tell them i like them and the reasons why i do. if someone is feeling unseen and as though people aren’t responding to them, the logical solution to that is to begin responding to them more often and being more attentive of when they’re trying to make conversation. et cetera

that’s part of why it bothers me too when people act like low empathy = evil monster. people can’t even tell the difference between actual empathy and compassion anyways. why does it matter whether or not someone can feel the feelings, if they’re still trying to do good?

(also, if im misusing words throughout this post, that’s my fault cuz a lot of these words seem to have fuzzy definitions that vary from person to person. when i use empathy here, i mean it in the way of “being able to take on another person’s perspective and personally feel the feelings that they’re experiencing”. when i use compassion, i mean “recognizing the suffering of other people and taking action to help by expressing care”, without any sort of prerequisite of empathy 👍)

#diary

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theamberalice · 2 years ago

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Alright I'm doing it I'm trauma dumping.

Below is the account of the toxic boss, or as much as i care to write. Most of it I've blocked out buttttt I think writing always helped my mental health. So who cares, I'm doing it. Might delete later.

She's not getting named. She doesn't deserve to immortalized as anyone. She is just She.

There were warning signs in that first week.

She trains me, hypes up the job as so much work. So hard. I'm going to work evenings, eventually. She has me read the manual and... I don't recall much other training that first week beyond that/the basics.

I think she had warned me before that my second week on the job (the first week of spring semester) she was having necessary surgery and was going to be out. I feel like she did. But it's been 7 years. I don't know for sure.

That solo week she's gone she calls to check in once. I dont call her. Shes in recovery: and honestly that first week was more than enough training to cover everything. She didn't hoist anything major on me and we have good student workers that cover my dumb ass. Shes surprised I get on so well without her (Disappointed? Unnerved? Honestly no idea what the vibe was. I was just trying to be reliable and you know not fucking bother her after major surgery). Other departments fill in for me to cover the library at night so I don't stay the whole day. I think someone even covered my lunch but that bit is foggy.

Note: later at times it was just me and her, she never had anyone else cover me. (and there were many, she could never seem to keep another library coworker for more than a year- wonder why) IThat was never arranged beyond that first week without her. Maybe I did too good a job at being reliable, maybe it was just her covering her tracks, who knows.

The rest of the flags creep in slowly. The way she talks about the person who was in my position before feel... weird? Like that girl, I'll call her Diane, was like her best friend. They got on so well. Diane could do all this graphic design stuff to make marketing materials (read: I should learn how to do it just as perfect) but oh, I needn't force myself to learn what she knew (reality: I did, if only to import her work into a program that wasn't unweldly, laggy, and was compatible with everyone else had on campus). Diane had this fantastic whirlwind romance with an Austrialian and moved there to live out her dreams (foreshadowing: some weird poking into my romantic life with my future husband would ensue later).

Then there was the way she treated the other people working in the building. She insisted that the circulation desk was not a water cooler. That she worked hard to make it not a "water cooler". That talking to other employees would discourage patrons from coming to talk to us.

Note: This would later apply harshest to me and my future library coworkers. We weren't allowed to talk to each other for more than a minute before she'd come stomping out of her office to check on us. She positioned us at the desk where she could see at least one of us at all times through her window at the far corner of the library. I barely knew either of my two direct coworkers because of this.

She'd openly say things that were negative about other employees too: but in this subtle sly way that framed it around her view of the library. "So and so thinks he can run a library without a degree." "So and so is trying to do this to the building." She also had these expressions of disapproval whenever I joked with someone. Or talked normally in a way she didn't like. Or people said hi to me.

And then there were her reactions if anyone higher up in the food chain talked to me without her knowing about it first.

One time, maybe a few months into my tenure, maybe longer, the head of IT called me directly when shs and I were discussing something. She gave me this glare. This "you fucked up and now hell will reign down on you" glare. Turns out, the IT director was just wanting to have a laugh with me. My dad happens to work for a big IT service that colleges use, we were switching over to said service. Normally my dad would've been one of their direct contacts but had to give it to his coworker because, ya know, me working there is a conflict of interest for him. IT director thought it was hilarious. I probably would've too. But the whole time She was glaring at me. I could feel her anger. How dare I have this chat while we were having a conversation. How dare I interrupt her? How dare I have a little laugh. She was more important. No one called her about this. Reader; this set me into a full blow panic attack as I tried to scramble to end the call politely and quickly to get back to whatever the fuck She was currently pissed at me for. Now whenever this story of how my dad works for big IT service I have recurring panic and want to throw up.

Then there was her philosophy on proper Library behavior. While shushing wasn't something she did: she was sensitive to any volume above a whisper. She insisted thst any noise that echoed into the area must be stopped. Didn't matter from who or from where. This library has terrible acoustics and i was expected (and actually did once because she was watching) to talk to other employees about thier noise level if it carried from the north side (not the library) to the library in anyway. Me and my library coworker/ student worker were supposed to walk the floor every thirty minutes to stop noise before the collective volume of students got above a murmur. And not just one of us had to walk per thirty minute interval. Oh no. We were each supposed to walk independently of each other within the same thirty minute block, regardless of what we were working on; amount of students; when the floor was last walked. Yes, she checked

Note: This task was the first big clue she had control issues. My first coworker and I tried to do a system of asking the other when we walked last, so we could keep doing our tasks while also doing this busy work in the time frame she wanted. And it was busy work, as 80 percent of the time there would be a grand total of 10 people in the library. Walking the floor was really only necessary when study hall was in the building. These huge groups of teams constantly forget we are a library and needed the supervision. But the moment She caught wind of our developing system she crushed it. Insisted we both needed to be walking as often as possible. Didn't matter when the last time was. All the time was best. Her checking began in earnest after that.

Little things start to add up. I notice how while I'm being told one thing, I'm expected to do another. Be creative but only build off what others are doing/have done. Reach out to other departments, but send me your communication first because I can’t trust you to do it yourself. Tell me your opinions but if they don't align with mine they don't matter. Do this task, but I'll only give you expectations after you're already "doing it wrong". Come talk to me, but when you do ill give you the cold shoulder and act annoyed. Deligate to student workers but I will hoard tasks like a goblin and not explain my logic to why only I can do this minor thing.

I notice how she expects me to be exact with timing on everything. I'm supposed to do everything within her time frame, not mine, not the actual time of year, not taking into account outside knowledge or practices. It has to be done in her way or not at all. If I don't do exactly three posts a week on Facebook then I'm a failure. If I don't make an event every month and have it be different and unique and special Im a failure. If I schedule things months in advance at HER request and life things come up on the same day (like buying my fucking wedding dress) then how dare I exist outside of this library, failure.

Note: The Facebook thing really pissed me off for a number of other reasons. I started in 2016. No student was using Facebook. She insisted on searching up every potential student worker on Facebook before she'd talk to them. She got annoyed when she couldn't find them (because duh) or the kids had it private. I tried to get us on anything else, but she refused to do anything. I could see the PR people using other stuff but she was just ignorant. Literally the only people that looked at our Facebook then were staff, which was NOT who Facebook was for, according to her. Like I'm just supposed to make our students use this outdated platform and then our followers out of thin air for her.

I notice how I'm supposed to have all the answers for things outside of my power to control. No I don't know why that social media is pretending to have an account for us, I didn't make it. No, I don't know why this link isn't working today it was yesterday and that's the link you gave me. No, I can't just stop the students from downloading new apps on our IPads or saving documents on our PCs. When the pandemic hit she literally expected me to check every link on our website was working everyday and make a document, which she never read, and got mad when I told her which sites weren't working even though that's what she WANTED ME TO DO. Everyday for two months that's all I did. No not joking.

One on one meetings last an hour minimum. It's here her control issues are most obvious. She literally corrects the marketing materials i make with a red pen, marking tiny printing errors literally no one else would notice. Im talking periods not lining up exactly with the sentence above. Font sizes looking different to her eyes and refusing . Rarely it has to do with the actual wording of content.

The first time she disciplines me for something, its a minor mistake. I don't even remember for what. She later says she's surprised I didn't cry in that meeting. Which ???? Who even says that.

By this time I have a lovely coworker, Molly. Molly is much more independent and strong willed than I am. Molly also takes none of Her shit

Molly and I are given a rare opportunity to be alone together after a particularly nasty incident with her. She, oblivious to how a normal job and wardrobe function, critizes me for wearing the same pair of pants twice in a row. Thst this will make a bad impressikn on the library and therefore her. Or that I can't take care of myself. I am driving Molly home after this, quietly fuming, because Molly's car is having trouble. Some point in the drive, she turns to me.

"Hey, I don't think the way She's treating us is normal."

I chase that relief of that moment for the next four years in therapy.

My next coworker after Molly fled for greener pastures doesn't come until nearly a full year after she leaves. It's a guy this time, Josh.

Josh did not know how to deal with her shit.

Josh makes the grave mistake of "having a life outside of the Library" and makes friends in the theater department and joins the school play. She fumes whenever he leaves on time to go to rehearsal. She fumes whenever someone comes to talk to him about theater. I quietly cry a little, because even though she said I could have opportunity outside the library when I started. Reality is after 2pm I'm chained to the desk and don't go outside the building. I can't trust the student workers to be alone. And she can't watch the desk, she's got important director things to do.

Note: Her important director tasks that cab only be done in her office are easily done at the main desk by my current director regularly and often.

Josh is fired near the end of 2020. I don't know why, and that's fine. I do not have a coworker beside her for the remainder of her tenure.

It is here in the timeline where I learn a little of why boss is the way she is. I will not divulge it. That is not for me to say. I will say that in context I made a LOT of sense. But she let the effects of that drip onto me and everyone around her. That wasn't ok. It's not ok for anyone to regurgitate their trauma into abuse of others. That's what she did.

At the beginning of 2021 I am done with her bullshit. Therapy cannot go forward while she is my boss. I'm stalled. I do little rebellions. I mouth her barbs back at her from beneath my mask. I make small friendships with coworkers from other departments. Now that I'm not marketing, she can't control as much of me as she did. She threatens to take away tasks from me and I laugh. Then she'd need to do them herself.

The meetings between her and I turn into interrogations and daggers thrown at me. She forgets there's an office down from her and that someone else can hear her words. Her treatment of me flutters back to my bosses boss. I know nothing of this. No one comes to comfort me. No one asks how I'm doing. No one openly supports me. That's what I hate worst of all.

I can't tell you how elated I was when she told me she was leaving. I cried my way home.

This is only the surface. I've been writing this for three hours and it's still. NOT. ENOUGH.

#shush alice no one cares #personal #toxic boss #trauma

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ruminate88 · 3 months ago

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08/05/24 Still On The Healing Journey

Who needs tv, when I can create better visions in my head? 😝😝(but why do I do that?) Also, my dreams likes to show me faces all the time. Still waking up in the night after dreaming of someone. For awhile it was like one dream of Cody after the other but last night it was of Andrew 💔❤️‍🩹 it was a very sad dream and I woke up just feeling frustrated that I can’t get a full night’s rest…

I’ve been waiting for something to finally click in my head and make sense. There has been multiple little things that makes me go, “Oh I get why that happened like that…” but I’m waiting for “big picture” and that might be years down the road. I just don’t know but I understand life is all these pieces of a puzzle coming together to make this grand puzzle complete and show where I started in life and then where I ended up.

Life is so deep if you’ll keep searching and I continue to find lessons and more purpose. I continue to find more love and forgiveness in my heart for my exes Cody and Andrew. My brain wants to see them as great guys that i had romance with but my heart knows how awful they treated me but that they’re human and who am I to judge them?? I’m nobody because I make my own mistakes. I ask God to forgive me every day and to please help cody and andrew be safe and be well within their souls. To have peace ❤️‍🩹

Why would I care so much for two people who basically ruined my life??? The truth is, love is so real and so grand. I’ve always thought that and im not gonna give that up. Even knowing I can’t ever trust andrew or cody. Oh I wanna write the letters so bad and tell them each how sad I am they hurt me and that I love them more than words but I dont want them to misinterpret that how they treated me was okay OR that they can waltz back in my door and abuse me more. Creating boundaries hasn’t been easy cuz I never understood what that was till this stage of my life.

I was always raised on the teachings of “love one another” and “love your neighbor as yourself”. I always tried to love and respect cody and Andrew but truth is, I was also addicted to porn back then and so I was comfortable to talk dirty to each of them and show them my nudes. I understand I can’t take that back and I have to forgive myself. It’s all been a big process for me and I’m still working on it.

Everywhere I turn for help, it screams at me, “Unresolved feelings” and “wanting closure”. I understand I got married so fast after I blocked Andrew’s number because I couldn’t stand the pain. Andrew hurt me more than I could ever express. He made me hate myself and feel like my life wasn’t worth living. My husband however, made me feel safe against Andrew, so I married him so fast to get safe and stable but never really knew IF I was majorly attracted to him or loved him. I didn’t deal with the pain of Andrew 💔💔💔 I covered it up and moved on so fast.

Now years later I can’t continue to hide the pain and the shame has also been unreal. I can’t believe how guilty I’ve felt. When I first found out what “emotional abuse” was, I began to understand why I thought andrew and Cody were toxic. I started to get really angry thinking I was just a joke to them and I started writing my story on this account thinking how stupid I feel and I beat myself up. Over time though, I’ve experienced the guilt and the sadness. More sadness than anything. Sad for Andrew and Cody. Burdened for their souls.

I’ve never tried to contact them or wanted “justice” or “karma” on them. I am not asking them to pay for their abuse towards me. I simply just them to be well and I want to be so healed that I can see them in the street and not feel anything or get upset. Right now, if I saw them ever I would cry so hard. I need to heal these wounds and I can’t do it alone. God is helping me and I’ve made so many mistakes on this journey.

I think my brain wants to make up so many scenarios of Andrew in my head because it’s less painful to think of him as what I hoped he would be with me. Not the scary and hurtful person he actually ended up being. After we broke up, I was so confused, I kept trying to get answers and he kept changing his story. I realized he couldn't tell the truth and that he would only say what he thought I wanted him to say. I knew then I can’t believe anything he tells me or trust him. 🥺❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Andrew breaking my trust, that just made me so sad. I wanted to trust him and love him. I wanted to be faithful to him but he can’t be faithful to me. I was jealous of his new girlfriend he had so fast but if he can’t be faithful to me, how could he be faithful to her? I’ve since accepted he’s not the one or someone who can treat me right but I’ll always remember when I did trust him and love him. I’ll always remember when I did believe in him and believe in “us”. 🥺💔 when it stops hurting, I don’t know but I’m trying to be patient. I try to focus on my current man but I know I have to heal. I know I have to rebuild trust again completely.

no one could explain to me back then that it was emotional abuse and that I was taking emotional baggage into my marriage. ❤️‍🩹 I’m sorry to my husband not sure what he understands but I know it’s not fair but also he doesn’t ever ask me if I’m ok 😓 my husband never once says I look sad or upset. I always wonder what does he know or think of me? Am I really good at hiding my feelings or does he just not know what to say? ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I always want my husband to hug me and tell me I’m gonna be ok but he doesn’t and I don’t wanna ask for it 🥺 I’m just too tired.

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mygladur · 4 months ago

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guess its time for me to try and explain myself again

first off, I want you to know that I am trying to improve myself and move on from what I did. I cant express with words how much I regret it and how guilty I feel for causing this damage. I will have to wait until the end of summer to talk to a therapist unfortunately, but I am doing my best to improve on my own until then. I know I cant undo what I've done, but I can at least learn and try to improve myself based on my past mistakes.

I really have no excuse for lying about my age, it was a really bad move that I should not have done at all. at the time, I thought being hypersexual was a good reason for it, but it absolutely is not. being hypersexual does not excuse low impulse control.

the proship thing is what I regret most about this, and I understand why people cant forgive me for it. the best I can do is explain how I got into that, and why I've now changed my mind about proshippers. I had found myself in an echo chamber of sorts, where I was slowly convinced that proshippers "arent that bad" and that people who hate them are "just overreacting." I am very ashamed of myself for letting these beliefs get to me, but I can comfort myself with the knowledge that I am not like that anymore. I managed to get myself out of that mindset, and I now despise proshippers as much as the next guy. proshippers are disgusting. there are no "but"s that can change that. though, I am aware that even though I've changed, it wont undo the fact that I did have that mindset at some point. the regret of it will take a good while to leave me, but I'd say that's a good thing, because at least I am aware of how much of a mistake it was to let myself get into that mindset.

the reason why I kept bugging that minor about drawing lewd art of brulo was because I genuinely didnt know they were uncomfortable. I didnt pick up on the obvious signs that they were uncomfortable with it, and I thought their protests were just part of the joke. its not their fault at all, as I should've known better and picked up on the signs that they really didnt like this "joke." I've learned to be more careful with these kinds of jokes now, and to look out for signs of the person being uncomfortable. I feel terrible for pressuring them like that, and if they somehow find this and read this; I am so sorry for misunderstanding your discomfort.

I feel horrible about the way I treated johnny as well. I get very aggressive when Im having breakdowns, even though I dont mean to. but even though I didnt mean to do it, it still happened, I still treated him like shit when he was just trying to help me. I understand why people refer to my constant breakdowns as suibaiting, but I really did try almost every time. I always failed, either because I was a coward or because my method wasnt working at all, which is where the suibait belief comes from. that's not to shame people who believe it was suibaiting, because I get it. Im trying to figure out healthier ways to deal with these breakdowns, because I dont want to make someone feel like johnny did again. I cant imagine the stress my dumb complaining and aggressive behavior put johnny through, and I feel awful for making him feel that way.

the reason why I came onto tumblr under a new alias was because I wanted to keep sharing my art and dumb ramblings. I didnt expect nor want this blog to become popular, and I had already planned to delete it if that ever were to happen. I am not made for handling big fanbases, as I've seen other people who have similar problems to me lose touch with reality and misuse their fanbases in various ways, which I dont want. though, I now feel like I shouldnt try to be on social media at all until I fully improve myself, even if its just an account with no followers on a site no one uses. social media is most definitely turning back the improvement I've already made, so I shouldnt be on it until there is no risk of me going back to my old ways.

with this post, I am not asking for forgiveness. no one is obligated to forgive me, and I'll understand no matter the reason. I am simply trying to explain myself and apologize for the damage I've caused. I really hope that people will at least understand what Im trying to say, even if they dont forgive me in the slightest. and once again, I am so sorry to everyone I've hurt, and I hope that it didnt leave any long lasting effects on anyone. I hope you all have a great rest of your day, and thank you for reading.

Okay, hi, sorry for abandoning Tumblr, but something important came up that I need to share with the Tumblr side of the Fandom.

This account is ran by bagel, who if you don't know

- lied about their age to get into n/sfw spaces

- liked mauricexpeppino art and supported someone who was openly proship

- tried pressuring a minor into drawing lewd artwork of brulo from antonblast (this was before they revealed their true age which made it 5x creepier)

- treated me like garbage everytime I tried comforting them during their suibaits

All I can recommend is to block and move on, don't give them any attention 👍

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ishouldgetadiary · 1 year ago

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i don’t necessarily think that many people in my life get that i am often living in a completely different world to them in terms of what is going on in my brain and what i consider actually important or real. and i mean this in multiple ways but a big one is related to cis-heteronormativity

it's hard to talk about and hard to express because dont mean it in a mean or bad way and i dont want to insult my friends or family because i know that to them it's important and their 'natural order' but it reaches the point of such heavy cognitive dissonance for me where i genuinely dont know how to express to people in a fully authentic way, because when i engage in stupid conversations about boyfriends or friendship drama, it is out of maintaining the rules i have learnt about social conversation. unless there is actual full on suffering/abuse or active bigotry going on i dont really care that much if at all.

i am basically describing autistic masking when i say this but like in the ways it seems like i care, half the time there's a solid chance that i actually dont because it's just the social cue, i am saying the lines that i have prepackaged which are, at best, slightly altered for the conversation. they are all meant to be deemed acceptable for what you (and/or greater society) consider me to be, there are very few people who id say regularly get a fully authentic me regardless of if we're talking in person or via messaging/writing (i am most honest in writing. in my opinion).

it's also difficult when the schemas are very 'i have to pass as cishet' even when i dont have to, because in any given social situation i have to account for the fact that most people i talk to are not accustomed in their brain to think of me or most people in general as not cishet and i cant be bothered to interrogate that thought process for them no matter how much i despise it because it's easier to be surrounded by people who wont always fully respect you than it is to be lonely and too different (even tho i acknowledge even my ‘normal’ comes across as very weird)

what's even harder to explain (at least to cis people) is how i dont consider my very fem speech and presentation to be indicative that im a woman. especially when my actual behavioural inclinations and beliefs can be considered ‘’’masculine’’’. because i really dont think i am a woman, i dont fit into that fucking club and i dont think i ever have my entire life, even when i used to consider myself a girl. of course, there isnt such thing as a right way to be a woman but whatever it is, isnt me. i dont have that thing in my brain that is complacent in and just intuitively knows without thinking it that everything i do is in the box of ‘woman’. i dont think i really fit into that community. and you know, the people who want to turn that into a problem of how we treat women in society arent exactly wrong but they’re not at all right either and i dont care for that argument at all. i dont care to include my own self percieved outsider-dom or what have into the equation either because i dont think it gets anybody to the point of what im trying to describe as my problem.

in general i dont like the idea of anything i do being specifically one gender or the other and ingraining gender and the idea of gendered behaviours into people is just a scam meant to group and segregate plain old animals arbitrarily. half of our problems would be solved if our gender stereotypes didnt exist and everything was allowed to just Be because it leads to things like teaching men that masculinity means a lack of empathy and teaching women that femininity means shame (i dont have to say that that’s not true for everyone, you should know that already.) and it's all stupid and i would love to never be part of it again, whether it's in how others think of me or how i talk about things, but we live in a pretty fucked up world where i would be in a far greater danger to express this in person and say i dont want to give a shit about gender and to be considered as nothing and/or everything and showing that in my appearance than i would be (as i am) presenting as cisgender. and then there’s the bag of worms that comes with the fucking like, imposter syndrome i get even though i have all of these internal mechanisms just because i do present as cis and im closeted to my family about gender and grrrrrr

#rambles #transgender #nonbinary #nonsense posting #personal #rant #long post #genderfluid #gender

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familyvideostevie · 1 year ago

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hello! don’t know why but i felt the need to bare my feelings to you tonight. you don’t have to respond to this or anything but this has been simmering in my brain for far too long now.

here it goes!!! i miss you. it’s that simple really. you are one of the first few people in this app that i struck up a friendship with. you are humble and so very nice and i love talking to you and checking up on you even if it was once a month. talking to you always, always brightened my day. honestly don’t know where it went wrong. at one point, i realized that you weren’t following me anymore. i didn’t really care because you said in an ask that tumblr was glitching and would make you unfollow blogs even if that wasn’t your intention. i believed that! we still continued to talk, but i noticed that you never followed me again and that your replies weren’t as enthusiastic. i know that you are busy with your own life so i chalked it up to that (i’m busy with mine too), but when you would speak to other people, it just felt different. so i started thinking i did something wrong, but i seriously don’t know what. i wish i had the courage to get off of anon and talk to you about this but then again it’s probably nothing to you and i’m definitely overreacting and overthinking. i don’t know. we’re probably too old for this but i treasure my friendships so much that drifting apart with anyone is as painful as a break up. even if we only know each other through the internet.

if it’s something i did, i’m sorry. if i am overthinking, i’m sorry too because i had to make you read through this entire thing. i just really wanted to get this off of my chest. i also wrote this at 3 am so forgive me. that’s it i think! i wish you all the best and i’ll keep on supporting you!

wow! hello! i'm going to put this reply under the cut because it's long (like, longer than many fics i write). you are under no obligation to read this! but as you've shared your feelings with me i thought i'd do the same.

i will be really honest with you, since you have been honest with me: this stressed me out a lot. reading it was like feeling my heart sink deeper and deeper in my chest with every word. i have been on the internet for a long time but it was not until i started this blog last year that i really began to interact with people in a meaningful way. i've been in and out of fandom spaces and never really clicked with anyone, never been brave enough to chat or share myself the way i have here with the fics i write and the conversations i have on the dash and through dms. this entire time i've been very conscious of how i behave -- or at least i've tried to be -- and that includes not starting/being a part of drama, apologizing when i think i've messed up, and setting my own/abiding by other people's boundaries.

so, all that to say, the feelings that you've expressed here are my worst nightmare. i don't think i'm going to apologize, since i don't think i've done anything wrong, but i will explain myself and the way i use tumblr/think about internet friendships.

first of all, this is not my main blog! it's entirely possible that i do follow you but it's a different url (which i am happy to tell people if they ask me for it privately), so you might not realize.

second of all, i've been on tumblr since 2011 (rough estimate). over a decade later i only follow 110 blogs. that fluctuates! when i'm really into something i will follow accounts that post about that thing, and then sometimes when i'm less into that thing, i unfollow them. when a blog hasn't posted for ~6 months, i unfollow them to keep things tidy (a method of control that has no reason, just my brain being my brain!). when a blog i've followed for years starts posting about something i dont like or care about all that much and know i won't get into/expresses an opinion i maybe don't like/says something i dont vibe with, i might unfollow them! sometimes i block tags but i prefer my dash to be clean and full of stuff i do want to see so often i just unfollow. tumblr, to me, is a place i come to get out of my own head and to distract from reality a little bit and always has been long before i started writing on here. so i am very liberal with the unfollow button and 99.9% of the time it's not personal.

expanding on that. re: unfollowing you. i have never been a part of mutual culture until this blog. i didn't really get it at first but then it became a useful tool for getting my work seen and for supporting the work of others. but as i got bigger (a relative term here, i do not consider my blog to be big), i started to see how mutuals can be kind of a cliquey thing socially and also instill a sense of obligation to people, so i've tried to steer away from that language and stopped attributing following/not following someone as an approval or as a sort of key in the door of online friendship. i want anyone who wants to talk to me to feel like they can! but at the same time i don't follow everyone i speak to and it's not personal. i do not expect anything from the people who follow me in terms of reblogs or likes or anything, even the ones i talk to often, because i think we are all here for ourselves and for our own enjoyment and i don't want to take away from that (in addition, i have barely been reading fics, even those written by dear friends and blogs i adore, so my attention/engagement is low as a default).

but it seems that maybe i have done so for you anyway. so, coming clean. a few months ago i unfollowed a bunch of blogs. some of them were mutuals! mutuals i've spoken to, mutuals whose work i've enjoyed, all that jazz (though i have accidentally unfollowed people before -- that happened today, actually, with a friend!) it is possible you were one of those people. my reasons are mostly related to what i've already said -- some people post a lot of asks, which i dont love scrolling through, some people start writing content i don't care for, etc. oftentimes the content of theirs that i do want to see ends up on my dash anyway, which is great for me (and fairly often i'll pop onto those blogs myself and see what they've been up to using my best friend, the search bar)! so, if this is you, that's that. i unfollowed you and it's not personal and it does not mean we cannot still talk or be friendly or even friends, but i understand if it means that for you.

i realize that not everyone places the same limited weight on folllows as i do and that an unfollow hurts. in that case i urge you to talk to me about it. this happened to me in real life. on my personal instagram account i unfollow people all the time because if they don't post a lot or i don't talk to them often i don't see a need to see what's up with their lives. one time i unfollowed someone i went to college with and it upset him! he asked a mutual friend of ours to ask me why i did it. i said, oh! i didn't realize it was a big deal, i had no malicious intent behind it, i'm happy to follow him again if it means that much. so i did! i'd have preferred he came to me, obviously, but no harm done in the end. i wish this is what you had done.

but i digress. i would like to call out this part of your message:

i know that you are busy with your own life so i chalked it up to that (i’m busy with mine too), but when you would speak to other people, it just felt different. so i started thinking i did something wrong, but i seriously don’t know what. i wish i had the courage to get off of anon and talk to you about this but then again it’s probably nothing to you and i’m definitely overreacting and overthinking.

you are right that i am busy! and the way you say you're feeling is a way i've felt before, for sure. but people cannot know what you're feeling unless you tell them. i am hurt that you think i don't care and that this is nothing. yes, we are all strangers online but i really hope that i haven't given the impression that i don't care about people's feelings and how my actions affect them because that's not true at all. internet friendships are hard! the lines are blurry and i will be the first to admit that. but i really implore you to talk to people about how you are feeling because that's how you maintain friendships and show respect for the people in your life -- open and honest communication. it only benefits everyone, even if things don't work out. i like to think that we can do things that are hard or scary for the sake of the people we care about.

a friend, when i asked about how to reply to this message, told me that sometimes friendships do just drift. people change and priorities change and that's okay, it's part of life. i know it's hard and it doesn't get easier but it's also life. but personally, you sending this on anon does not signal to me that you want to repair this, as it doesn't actually solve anything. and that makes me sad.

anyway! i think that's quite enough. feel free to come speak to me, i really really welcome it. if you've read this far you might think that i'm overreacting, or if you're reading this and it's not about you, you might think that, too! i tried to cover everything i could think of but im a little flustered and not sure any of this makes sense.

you guys, i really only want my blog to be somewhere where you feel like you can be yourselves and be honest and hopefully also respectful. there's been a lot of weird shit going on and i have luckily been treated very well on here by all of you and i am grateful for that.

to everyone else, i love you, thank you for always being kind to me.

#anon ask #emma's asks

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rauhallinen-hauki · 6 months ago

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replace mad max with ff7 and f//ury r//oad with ff7r, rewrite some of the context on that last post and u get the average og 1997 ff7 fan experience

on a related note...

(im using shepvance as an example because its the one special interest that i get the most shit for. but this applies to a lot of things im into.)

"Why shepvance? why Adrian and not Gordon? Why not ship other ~better ~ more normal ships? what compells you in this, to be frank, borderline-crack ship? or do you just hate everything that isn't weird inocuous niche bullshit? also why do you draw Adrain with hairy forearms and chest and slightly overweight? don't you know that any man that doesn't look like Sephiroth is ugly and therefore boring and why is he with Alyx who is so much hotter again and-"

there is nothing wrong with asking. i'm glad to talk and explain my thoughts and feelings. it just gets irritating when every single time someone sees that I've drawn or written or done anything with this pairing it is alway "why why why why wh-". shepvance isn't even the first rarepair I've been into, but for some reason it just perplexes most people to such an extent that they can't help but get really anal about it.

me liking shepvance doesn't automatically mean that i hate every other pairing involing these characters. even if there are pairings out there that i hate, i do the obvious and just ignore and or filter/block what/those that I don't wish to see. i don't shit on people. wich brings me to the next point...

you can dislike, hate and despise shepvance. you can be neutral on it. you can also like, love and adore it. wichever way it is I don't care. just please, please don't shit on it in the viscinity of fans.

i'm not here to "spread shepvance propaganda" or anything like that. i'm just here to do share my art with the world, throw my things in my little corners of the internet (aka me everytime i post things into my accounts).

i'm here to express myself. im not forcing anyone to like my art or fanfics or shitposts or whatever. even if you happen to like shepvance, that doesnt mean that you automaticaly like my art. i have my own style and takes on these characters, and not everyone is going to like it. and that's great!!! that thing is called having taste! individuality! personal opinions! prefferences! but thats the thing: if you like it, great. if you dont like it, great. just dont bitch and mean into my ear everytime i do a harmless thing you, personally, dont like

if you aren't hurting anyone, then you can do whatever you want. so why is it that people lose their minds the second you happen to be into some niche but, again, nevertheless HARMLESS thing that just so happens to not be as popular or as liked by most people?

anyway im not sure what exactly im trying to say with all this but if you somehow find this post then i guess the tldr is:

-if you aren't hurting anyone, then you can do whatever you want. other people might not like it, and thats fine. but dont let that stop you for doing what makes you happy. again, if you aren't hurting anyone, you should do what makes you happy. life is short as hell anyway, so use your time wisely

-instead of wasting time bitching and moaning about someone being into some harmless thing you dont like, focus on the things you actually like. go write a fanfic of your fave character. go for a walk. there is way too much unessesary hate in this world already. its ok to vent and be angry but going berserk all the time wont get you anywhere in the long run. i know this from experience

-dont go to the circus if you don't want to see clowns, dont come to this blog if you dont like thunderdome, etc

(this isn't directed at anyone in particular. every mm fan i've interacted with so far, f//ury r//oad fan or not, has been polite and friendly. its just a sentiment i've seen a lot lately and i need to write it down. wring down stuff helps a lot ok. and no its not that serious im just tired lmao)

"oh hey. you like mad max?"

me: "yeah, the original trilogy only. it means a lot to me, it is my fave set of films ever."

"so you dont like f//ury r//oad?"

me: "no, i don't. nothing wrong if you do tho."

"why don't you like it?"

me: *politely explains why I, personally, in my own subjective opinion, dont like f//ury r//oad nor am i interested in watching f//uriosa. i watched f//ury r//oad. without biases, went in blind knowing the basics and having seen the original trilogy only once at the time. didn't like f//ury r//oad. just not my taste. simple as that. again, nothing wrong if you like it.

"OMG WHY DO YOU HATE EVERYTHING NEW!!! NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE AMATEUR 80S SHIT, DONT YOU KNOW THAT MILLER HAS GOTTEN SO MUCH BETTER AT MAKING MOVIES??? AND THAT AUTOMATICALLY MEANS THAT THE ORIGINAL MM MOVIES ARE INFERIOR AND SHITTY AND THAT IF YOU LIKE THEM YOU ARE SOME CLOSE-MINDED CONSERVATIVE WITH BAD TASTE (DESPITE F//URY R//OAD NOT EXISTING WITHOUT THE LEGACY OF THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY, ONE THAT IS ARGUABLY THE MOST INFLUENTIAL PIECE OF POST-APO MEDIA IN FILM) UUUUUUUUUUUUGH JUST TAKE OFF YOUR ROSE-TINTED GLASED (DESPITE YOU NOT BEING EVEN BORN AT THE TIME OF RELEASE OF THE ORIGINAL MM TRILOGY AND HAVING WATCHED IT ONLY THREE YEARS AGO AS AN ADULT SO NO "NOSTALGIA" THERE) AND WAAAH WHY DONT YOU LIKE THE THING I LIKE AND-"

me: *long, exhausted sight of pain. i figuratively die of cringe

like why do you give fuck. im not going to shit on you because you like f//ury r//oad. so why would you shit on me simply because I don't like it?

is me not liking f//ury r//oad a crime against humanity or nature or all that is good? no. but you're sure as hell are making it sound like it is.

#long post #vent #underground niche artist struggling on main lmao

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mariaiscrafting · 3 years ago

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ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues. My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way. Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand. Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

#ive been writing this on and off since 830 am est SHEESH #dreamwastaken #dream critical #eh i think im relatively lenient of him here given my past posts ab him #but still just in case the blacklist tags for yalls convenience:#discourse #/neg #asks #long post #long posts #this a LONG one bois #morango

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secretsniper2 · 3 years ago

Text

A Walk in the Park

Morning, another dreary day ahead, usual routine, put my robe on, brush hair and put in ponytail, bit of makeup. Downstairs for something to eat and some coffee when i see it by the front door, a letter. Bit strange, i don't usually get letters but its addressed to me so why not check it out?

“Dear Emma, Our scouts saw you a few weeks ago and we believe you would be a perfect fit for our next event, you'll receive fair compensation for your time and equipment will be provided on arrival. we hope you accept.”

Looking over the letter again its as simple as its written, it even has a address, time and date, 5pm this Friday? well its not like im busy or anything, i was going to go to the movies with some friends but they bailed on me, and my account is getting rather empty.. sounds interesting.

“At least i now have something to DO in 3 days!” i chuckle to myself.

Sitting around the house with nothing to do, i think ill check out this address today while its broad daylight, its on the other side of town so i can walk through the park on the way and have some fresh air.

Sliding out of my robe i opt for a white shirt with black pants, always a good combo and some typical shoes for the park and walk. Busy today as usual as people rush in every direction on their way to wherever they are going, after a few brushes with clearly eager hands with 1 cupping my ass i manage to get to the park and take a breath, “pretty handsy today” i think to myself as i run my hand over my freshly groped ass. Another breath in and i continue away from the hands on crowd and move on.

Its quite impressive, iv walked past this building a few times before but this will be the first time i actually see the inside, its usually for high end events the kind of which id never enjoy, the high arches over the front door, the marble columns and statues lining the outside. what kind of job will it be anyway? im not good with food.

i shrug as i walk back through the park, longer route than i need but its a nice day to wander.

As i sit on a bench i can hear something i dont think iv ever expected to hear in a park, someone is moaning, quiet enough to not draw much attention but loud enough to hear if you get too close.. like me. Curiosity has me by the tits now as i turn to the bushes behind my chair and look around a large tree. Red hair swaying back and forth as right on the other side of the tree some girl is getting fucked, hard by her restricted moans, a red ballgag wedged tight in her mouth and a blindfold over her eyes, the man wont see me if i stay behind the tree but with his eyes closed he couldn't see the girl his cock is ramming.

The girl has some small clamps on her nipples with her blue minidress pulled down under her breasts and pulled up over her hips, its nothing more than a loose corset right now, 6 inch heels padlocked to her feet and a collar locked around her neck. Rose red cheeks almost glowing with heat as her moans escape the gag, on closer look the man has his cock buried not in her pussy, its her ass he is stuffing, her pussy is vacant but there's something covering it that has a few wires running up her back leading to a purple remote.

My adrenaline skyrockets as the man starts looking around for observers but luckily looked away first so i leaned back around the tree and was not gone as far as they knew, my own cheeks red now after watching what's going on, my own pussy pulsing as arousal sets in, i slowly look around the tree and the man is gone, the redhead is still there, on all 4s and shaking in a euphoric bliss.

A hand, grasping my shoulder and neck, squeezing tight my surprise wasted on a sharp inhale rather than a scream for help, im spun around and his eyes are staring daggers into mine, normally i would be thrashing by now but the sheer surprise, this man who was just fucking the other girl places a wet hand over my mouth. fear over the cause for the wetness keeps my lips sealed as my eyes lock to his own. The remaining hand which had spun me around was already working on my pants, pushing under and into my long since wet panties, his large fingers pushing in without a moments hesitation as his knuckle grinds into my clit.

I orgasm, faster than iv ever cum before, what takes minutes for me with my vibrator took this man seconds with 2 large fingers, 2 large fingers which are now moving like pistons as im spun around yet again, my back to him as his hand that was over my mouth leaves his mark on my lips as my neck is grasped. led from behind to the other girl who is now sitting up, blindfold off and eyes gazing at me, my body under the command of another's forceful insistence.

The hand that had been massaging me close to another orgasm withdraws as he trails my own juices up under my shirt and pinches my nipple through my bra. The man commands and the girl responds by crawling up and begins to pull my pants down, white panties soaked and stuck to my pussy in full view to this woman as my pants are pulled down to my knees. A little giggle from the woman reveals shes removed her gag, handing it to the man who then lowers to the ground, my body falling after him, the woman crawling under my pants and looks up, face now between my legs as my panties are dragged aside by her thin fingers.

As i open my mouth to beg her not to continue i see a flash of red and my mouth widens in surprise, the gag the redhead was wearing, biting and drooling on was now buckled into my own mouth, biting instinctively against the situation the man begins pulling my shirt and bra up over my head. Im helpless and exposed, 1 arm from this man is holding both of mine behind my back and i cant beat his strength. His remaining hand cupping my breasts 1 at a time as his friend peals my panties off my pussy.

“She looks so tasty! how much can i have?” the redhead gleefully says like a child talking about chocolate.

“Till i say so” the man responds in a deep throaty voice.

Its all she needed to hear as her face sinks into my sex, her lips locking with my won and her nose presses against my clit, her tongue working my walls over and then sinking in for a better taste.

To say im the loudest moaner would be natural, of course iv never been gagged and eaten out by another woman before, her nose running back and forth as i cum right on her tongue which she slurped up with a desperation iv never seen on anyone before. the sounds of her moaning into my pussy sending shivers up my spine, why couldn't i just ignore the sounds?

Eyes shooting open at the thought, what if someone else is now watching me cum at the tongue of this woman with a gag in my mouth? ill be seen as the pervert here more than these 2! The hand that had been working my breasts moves again, this time to my gagged mouth, covering it easily he pinches my nose as well, i cant breathe! and this woman has doubled her effort, at this rate ill cum for a 3rd time in as many minutes!

Mind begging for air, brain screaming for it as my eyes fall on the mans face, his cold expression telling me that it wont end soon, muscles tensing as my pussy shakes with a tongue and fingers working hard, another orgasm slurped up by the hungry redhead and still the man holds tight, the woman now focussing on my throbbing clit which, till now has only been rubbed by her nose on occasion, hot lips tight at the base as her tongue caresses as she sucks hard.

a 4th orgasm tears through my body, iv never had 4 in a row, most iv had till now was 2 in a row. These 2 are pushing me and they don't care if i break! Air rushes in as the man releases my nose, waiting for the exhale he pinches again, the woman pressing fingers deep inside, my G-spot being massaged as my clit is sucked.

“Enough Cunt” the man says, loud enough to be heard by just us as the woman breaks away from my throbbing pussy, her handiwork was leading me to a 5th, release the man has taken away as the source of pleasure slides out from between my legs with her face glistening in my pleasure, a smile on her face and eyes on mine. the lights dim as im forced to pass out.. not here, with them.

“nooo..” i weakly say into the gag.

____

Cold, wet, exhausted.. My eyes open and im alone, in a small, secluded alcove of bushes, no one would find her here but why am i here? im in another part of the park entirely! did they really move me while i was unconscious? at least my clothes are all back on, a bit forced, but with a noticeable difference.. my panties are gone, bra too.. my soaked pussy in my pants and rigid nipples rubbing against my shirt, its already chafing and i have barely moved!

“Home is.. that way” i think to myself as i shamble out of the bushes, my pants occasionally making contact with my hypersensitive pussy, my muscles jerk or twitch in response as it takes me 15 minutes to walk 3 minutes with me constantly looking over my shoulders, occasionally looking at others and becoming very aware of my nipples making their presence known to any who would look my way.

Safe, i think. Doors locked as i check the clock on the wall, iv been gone all day! how long was i out? did they do anything to me while i was unconscious? ill have to give my body a look in my room, walking up my stairs i look completely different compared to this morning, my neat hair in a ponytail? now a utter mess, my white shirt not missing a button and my nipples pressing through the thin fabric, my black pants now dirty and panties missing with a soaked pussy just underneath.

Stripping in my room i turn to my mirror, my breasts have bruises, my pussy burning red, clit still throbbing. looking at my soaked pussy my mind drifts back, i could have ran! i could have screamed! but i just watched and wanted and then joined them. was i really that needy? that pent up?

My hand already beating my mind to the punch as my fingers circle my clit, sitting on my bed i fall back as i work hard, my need burning again, harder than usual. My fingers clearly not up to the task i roll over to my bedside table, my toys will scratch this itch as usual, at least to release.

Why? WHY?! why did i enjoy what they did?! the man pinning me with 1 arm and the woman, that redhead, her mouth.. her lips, the skill and determination.. why did i love every second of her attention, rolling over, closing my legs, locking my vibrator against my clit it isnt enough! its always worked before,

“my favourite position and toy have never failed me before” i plead in my head as i curl into a ball as the vibrations stir me into a frenzy, memories of what happened still fresh in my mind, nipples pinched, clit sucked, pussy devoured.

“nnnngh! Cmmmm NNNNNNN” i grunt into my pillow!

why wont it work! i need to, i want to cum! why why whyyy! my mind racing with desire when a thought rose up. Moving my arms behind my back i grab my elbows with my hands and squeeze hard, i bite my pillow and moan as a colossal orgasm tears my pussy to pieces on its way out! the single largest orgasm iv ever had and my arms race to the vibrator and turn it off with tears in my eyes, i know what they did to me.. but what did they do to me?

#Stories #Custom

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