#old spoilers and discussion of abuse below the cut

[susandsnell]

You watched Joker 2: How the Joker got his Groove Back? Do tell, because I’m not watching it lmaooooo

hi maggie i love u. so i was having a progressive mental breakdown trying to write this the last few days and today, I slipped forwards and fell backwards walking to the restroom from my own kitchen and fell onto my back and smacked my head on the floor really loudly (i'm okay for now dw), and i think the slapstick is a sign to answer this question, while subsequent looney tunes esque possible injuries an appropriate tone for this shitshow. I also think the fall damaged my brain less than this movie did, but I'm nothing if not a glutton for punishment when it comes to viewing experiences. let's go.

as a consummate disliker of the first film, my expectations were low, but holy fuck. i was pleased in the schadenfreude sense when we first got the announcement that the premise for the sequel was a musical with Lady Gaga as Harley with how alienating to the fanbase of the first this was, and when trailers emerged I was prematurely annoyed but cautiously optimistic for at least some good musical numbers and maybe some creative imagery.

well. this movie rips off The Room.

spoilers below the cut, trigger warning for mentioned but not graphically discussed police brutality/prison violence (physical + sexual), ableism, misogyny.

gott im himmel, what is there even to say.

so the opening is - actually good. having the rights to warner brothers, they open with the merrie melodies theme with Joker's face popping into frame and an old-school animated recap of the talkshow sequence from the first flick, which was actually a great idea...until the whole premise of the cartoon, and later, the legal defense, ends up being that either the Joker takes on a life of his own outside of Arthur or, as the defense will later posit, the Joker is a DID alter. This is not handled well, at all.

the movie is basically an ugly, dingy, confused, feverish bottle episode that makes me retroactively appreciate the first more for its pretty exciting third act and grounded Gotham City; our locations are a very very boring Arkham , and the courtroom drama as Arthur Fleck is brought to justice for his actions in the first movie. While incarcerated, he has both haters and fans in the prison population, including a young fanboy who is dared by the guards to kiss him, and who he kisses tenderly on the mouth early on, because quoth Todd Phillips, "the Joker is bisexual and stuff." diversity win!!!! this will matter later.

after several unhappy renditions of When The Saints Go Marching In, Arthur meets Harleen Quinzel, mercifully nicknamed 'Lee' in this version so we can easily dissociate her from our favourite harlequin. He finds her at Arkham Asylum glee club rehearsal, which is apparently a thing, and immediately put me in mind of Bialystock and Bloom putting on Prisoners of Love in Sing Sing, and she eagerly tells him she's a huge fan of the Joker as an abused child of poverty herself, and that she avidly watched the TV movie made about his exploits, which was fantastic. (This TV movie will come back later. It's possibly further self-flagellation on the part of Todd Phillips, which is amusing.)

anyway, the choir practice meet cute is important because it flimsily sets up the rest of the film being a musical. because he loves Lee, and she sings music, and therefore if Lee = an escape for Arthur, music is an escape for Arthur too! much thoughts! society. they also watch some old hollywood musicals together on their arkham dates. I don't know.

so regarding the musical numbers. the worst part is that they didn't let gaga sing properly in the movie??? like they made her and phoenix sing badly on purpose as ~character choices~ because it ~fits the characters~ and half the fantastic-looking performances from the leaks a few months ago were cut because musical movies are cockshy now about committing to the medium. instead we get bored white woman dancing from everyone, except for two good numbers, and breathy, off-key and off-rhythm jukebox renditions of everything from Sweet Charity to The Carpenters. a good 40% of the songs are arthur being questioned or something and just bursting into it while everyone looks bewildered, with only a handful of fantasy sequences, when the easiest thing to do given the courtroom drama setup would've been to just rip off Chicago and call it a day, would've been unoriginal but cogent, but instead we're treated to endless tedium and talented singers performing poorly. is there a way to blame this all on tom hooper? because i feel like this is all somehow tom hooper's fault.

this one will really piss you off - Harvey Dent is there and they did him filthy! he's prosecuting the case against Arthur Fleck, and they made him a smirky little twink and did fuck all with him except 'punchable on purpose' because he's The Man and The Man is keeping poor trod-upon Arthur Fleck down. but The Man pales in comparison to the true villain of this movie - women!!!!!

despite trying to deconstruct the incel following and give a middle finger to a lot of the nerdbros who wrongfully worshipped the first one, this movie is somehow a lot more overtly sexist than the first? every woman in this movie is Wronging arthur. his lawyer is an older woman who's going for the insanity defense with completely misrepresented DID (i'll cut her slack in that it's set in the 80s) but is apparently framed as condescending/exploiting his tragedy publicly when like, literally what is she supposed to do to try and get him acquitted for his crimes in the first movie, and it's not like she's trying to get famous for it (or is she? didn't come off from what I saw). she's genuinely being as empathetic as possible and still presented as condescending, and arthur fires her to self-represent in court -- dressed as the joker. more details about penny fleck being much more abusive than shown from the first movie are revisited to...i guess justify her murder more? zazie beetz is back as sophie to prove he didn't kill her but she's framed as deeply unsympathetic for believing arthur's abuser, penny, over him bc apparently she talked shit to the neighbours, when sophie has like, every reason to be afraid of this guy who was talking to her young child and broke into her apartment under the delusion they were together and then later that night going on a killing spree. and then her role in the story got added to the tv movie (which she reveals, to arthur's heartbreak, sucks) but the movie frames her as this judgmental ableist heartless meanie because she's not empathetic to the man who traumatized her and endangered her daughter.

this is juxtaposed to gary, arthur's clown temp agency coworker from the first film who he spared because of his kindness, who gets another one of the only good scenes in the film as he recounts how deeply witnessing arthur's murders broke him -- a sympathy not afforded to that stuck-up witch sophie. shoutout to leigh gill, it's the film's best and powerful performance....undercut by joaquin making the Choice that the joker, self-representing and cross-examining a witness, would spend a solid 20 minutes doing a Humble Southern Lawyer I do Declare bit that had me cringing out of my skin.

and then, of course, there's Lee. so basically they went the telltale batman route where it's subverted of the classic mad love dynamic -- she's the one playing him, but they did it worse because todd phillips doesn't really grasp like, character beyond Bad Things Happening Make People Do Bad Things and also Women Aren't People, so her sob story is false, her parents are rich and alive and she's a psychiatry Ph.D who voluntarily committed to arkham out of parasocial obsession with The Joker. this would be cool in the women's wrongs way if and i mean IF she had any coherent reason beyond "crazy bitches" and being a groupie of who he became on the talkshow.

and then for some reason the movie decides to wholesale lift plot points from The Room. Lee is allowed to see Arthur after one of his many drawn-out gratuitous beating scenes at the hands of Brendon Gleeson's Arkham guard Jackie Sullivan (kind of a Lyle Bolton type), whereupon she puts his clown makeup on and fucks him as the Joker, as you do. when she's 'released' (really, she leaves), she sees him in visitation to tell him she's pregnant with a little baby clown, which motivates him through the rest of the trial. it's of course clear and later revealed that she lied about the pregnancy. since the film is not interested in giving Lee any real motives beyond Crazy Flaky Bitches Am I Right (her transformation into Harley is never named and consists of clown cosplays worn to court), it's never really clear why she faked the pregnancy, which made me immediately think less of Roxie Hart and more Lisa from The Room saying "To make things interesting". like she already had him on the hook from what it seems, there didn't need to be a fake clown baby!!!!

if you've made it this far, here's where it goes from bad to "oh fuck off". please mind the trigger warnings I listed above.

after going on society rant part 2582342572473423995324324932592394293, Arthur shittalks the Arkham guards on TV. this results in Jackie et al not only beating him but -- non-graphically, but it is completely clear before and after the scene this was the intent -- SA'ing him. After which they murder an inmate sympathetic to Arthur for singing to him. none of this is engaged with meaningfully, none of this is textually addressed, none of this has any real narrative weight beyond Arthur being "broken" during his trial and flubbing the case, renouncing being the Joker. I don't have to say how unbelievably offensive just throwing this shit in is and handling it with about as much care as can be expected from the director of Hangover 2.

so Arthur flubs the case and Lee, along with the rest of his fanbase, storm out of the courthouse, disappointed, much in the way audiences are doing in theatres. but the stans camped outside the courthouse pull a Matt Reeves Riddler and plant carbombs around the perimeter, killing everyone in the jury, burning Harvey Dent's face (DO YOU GET IT???) and two cosplayer juggalos rescue Arthur and they drive off echoing the cop car scene in the first movie. but Arthur doesn't want to be the Joker anymore! he escapes the car and returns to the Joker steps, which the film has already returned to in fantasy lke 10 times. He finds Harley - Lee there, and she tells him coolly that she’s really disappointed he’s not the joker because she loves the joker and not Arthur. She does half a musical number while he begs her to stop singing which made me LOL because shrek and then the cops show up and arrest him and not her.

when we next see Arthur, he's in Arkham awaiting the electric chair. He gets called to go see a visitor and walks alone down a hall, somehow unsupervised on the way to visitation. That young, twinky inmate that kissed Arthur earlier in the movie and senpais him runs up and begs Arthur to let him tell him a joke. And it’s this longwinded bit of incoherence about a “psychopath and a killer clown who let him down walk in the bar, and the psychopath says what can I get you” but the punchline is, of course, “you get what you fucking deserve” and the fanboy shivs him in the gut repeatedly. It cuts to a dying fantasy of a parody sonny and Cher show with joker and Harley singing and finishing their act, then back to a lingering closeup on Arthur bleeding out alone in the Arkham corridor while the twink laughs hysterically, implying the next Joker riseth. Roll credits.

to quote my friend Peter, "having the new Joker play gay chicken with the old joker is cinema".

but all seriousness, save for a few goofy moments here or there or "oh my god, they're really doing this", the movie is boring as sin. which is quite the feat given it's a musical with Lady Gaga as Harley, but when it wasn't boring it was a shockingly offensive mishandling of serious issues that was also a pointless rehash of the events of the first film, not just as a middle finger to those who liked it, but a middle finger to people who like musicals, Batman, DC, and maybe even film as a whole.

just please, please, do yourself a favour and stream Harlequin (Lady Gaga's tie-in album) instead. Mother Monster ate.

[the-creative-lounge-blog]

The video features custom community emojis by @azuzeldraws

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[fragilefirstchance]

It's Either Tourist Traps or Drugs

Gen, family-centric, rated T or M depending on installment

Do you like longfics? Gen fics? Reflective, OC-centric examinations of family dynamics? Maybe you'd like my fic!

Look at this fanart!!!! by Tardibabe and by ranchsoda92

Hi! I am not generally speaking active on Tumblr, but I just completed Part 5 6 of a fanfiction that is almost 150k words and which shows no signs of slowing down soon. I figured I'd show it to class. :)

Fragile First Chance and its follow-ups is a story about a nineteen-year-old boy whose legal name is Joss William [redacted] Pines but if you call him anything except Will you might end up in a fistfight. It's also a story about how the Pineses are basically good people with a lot of baggage.

Major themes are tagged and optional content warnings for individual chapters are included in drop-down tabs in the notes. For the most part, heavier themes are not gratuitous.

Below the cut you'll find a rough outline of each section. If you don't want spoilers, though, just head on over.

This story was well under way before The Book of Bill came out. It isn't perfectly TBoB compliant, but the themes and plot aren't really something that makes that an issue.

Part 1: Fragile First Chance

Dipper and Mabel Pines were sent to Gravity Falls at the beginning of summer for, from their perspective, no reason. In reality, it was because they were being sheltered from some very old family drama.

Will is May's son from her first marriage and Fil's son by adoption. He's nineteen years old, just getting out of his second incarceration, and a recovering addict. They planned to put him up for a few months, and after that Fil's weird black-sheep uncle agreed to give him a shot in Oregon.

Ford, of course, knew nothing about this. He's not happy about it.

Part 2: Learning to Breathe

Will and Ford are slowly acclimating to each other like two feral cats. They don't really have anything in common except insomnia and a mutual desperate quest not to get in too many fights.

Will doesn't like Gravity Falls. It's lonely, there's nothing to do, and it's full of weird bullshit he doesn't want to deal with. He's coping, though - Soos is pretty cool, the local teens are entertaining, and he ends up getting a long really well with the local bait shop guy and his dad.

Part 3: When Family Matters

Will has started to figure out how Ford works and make an effort to be nice to him. He also tentatively almost likes the guy. (cue Stan audibly sighing in relief off-screen.)

Also: Dipper and Mabel have figured out that their long-lost brother has reappeared, and there are certain family traditions about how you deal with long-lost brothers.

Part 4: Lancing the Wound

Ford and Will are both under a phenomenal amount of stress for a wide variety of reasons. By this point in the story, words like "panic attack" and "therapy" are coming up more often. They have more in common than they ever realized, although for two people with severe abuse-related PTSD, that's not necessarily a good thing.

The McGuckets are around to help. The Twins are too, although whether that's a good thing is open to debate.

Part 5: Nature versus Nurture

In the wake of Part 4, Stanford Pines is coming to realize that his mental health is a much more serious problem than he had previously realized. He struggles to come to terms with this and decide what to do next. This segment of the story is primarily about self-reflection and realizing that you need to change. We also get some serious discussions about the mental health industry (and how it tied into the gay scene in the 70s) by people who are personally invested in it.

Part 6: Definition of a Real Pines

This story arc just started and concerns Ford navigating his life as he tries to re-integrate with his family and society while working through a very difficult mental health situation.

We'll get to meet more of the Pines family. Shermie lives in Florida with his sister-in-law. (Note for those curious about the timeline incongruities: Shermie's age is- wait, look over there! *smokebomb, jumps out the window*)

Part 7: Consequences of Inaction

Will has pretty much adjusted to his new life, and the family as a whole had stabilized. However, there were some things left to rot outside the family while everyone was getting their feet under them.

This arc deals with Tate McGucket, straight-faced stoic extraordinaire, who may not be doing as great as he pretends he is.

Bonus: Erastus Kankerson's Toxic Ex

This is a stand-alone one-shot about Erastus Kankerson, an old friend of Fiddleford McGucket who dated him for a while after the divorce.

[godzillabreath]

aggretsuko

Just wanted to get a few thoughts out there about the season finale of Aggretsuko and my feelings about the show overall...

spoilers for season 5 below

With such a strong first season that discussed the way corporate culture grinds your personhood down into the dust and leaves you little opportunity to express yourself or feel like you have a life beyond the abuses of your job, it was really a shame to see the show take such a 180 by Season 5. 

For a show that railed so hard against the toxic work environment, it feels strange to see Retsuko being so condescending to Haida in season 5 for the sole reason that he no longer has a job. She started out in season 1 as a character that didn’t fit within the social borders for a traditional woman--not wanting marriage, not wanting kids, wanting something of a career--nor the social borders for a loyal corporate drone, but by season 5 she’s appalled and embarrassed by Haida because he’s unemployed. She’s afraid to bring him home to her parents, rehearsing a whole fake narrative for him to give them about his employment history because she can’t stand the idea of being the sole provider, even temporarily. She even cuts him out of her life (!!) as an ultimatum until he finds a job in a show of “tough love,” which is just a wild way to treat your significant other.

There are other issues with Retsuko’s progression as a character as well. Beyond season 1, it becomes increasingly evident that not only has the show centered her as the main character, but she has also centered herself as the main character in everyone else’s lives. She shows little empathy in reaching out to friends, but asks the world of them and their time whenever she’s in any kind of emotional distress. I thought originally this would be a growth point in her character, that she would learn she can’t just have this unreciprocal relationship to people, but she NEVER changes. It makes me unable to understand why Haida pines over her--where is the chemistry between them??--let alone why any of her friends stick around and carve out so much time for her. 

My last gripe is that there’s a political subplot that starts up mid-way through season 5 and it is not good. 

They introduce Shikabane as this homeless drifter character moving between internet cafes to sleep as she struggles to keep her head afloat between freelance work. Haida befriends her as he is in much the same situation once his family pulls the rug out from under his living situation. This was an interesting choice, and I personally really liked to see life from the point of view of this group of people living in the internet café. 

So when the politician subplot rolls around and Retsuko is foisted into the spotlight as the next district candidate for an underdog party, I was baffled that they never again touched on the very specific, very real, and very difficult struggles that homeless people in Tokyo are shown to be facing. Instead, Retsuko’s political platform boils down to something as flat as “youngs vs olds.” We as the audience can intuit that she is running to oppose the old guard conservative politicians in Haida’s family, but the show never goes out of its way to make any of Retsuko’s (or her party’s) ideology clear in a frankly infuriating way. The show could have said something not only about the killer work culture that so defines Aggretsuko as a series, but also the plight of people without stable living environments, wage stagnation, the lack of voice for the younger generation in not only the workplace but in parliament, really it could have said literally anything at all. But it did not. Retsuko fumbles through a strange speech about small inconveniences in her life (being unable to rip a soy sauce packet, for example) leading to rage, and all the elements of social critique that you think the show ought to be making fall by the wayside.

So, I don’t know. This is a lot of words, it just felt so unsatisfying and frustrating to have a show that was ostensibly self-aware of the working class struggle to flip around and not seem to care or have any desire to disrupt the status quo. I think a series like this becomes more irritating over time because there are pieces of interesting social commentary there that the creative team refuses to explore in a meaningful way. 

[evansbby]

POYT 5 - My thoughts & commentary

MAJOR SPOILERS below the cut! Only proceed if you've read POYT 5.

Also, I will be answering all feedback this weekend! I wanted to give it a week so that more people would read it and because the feedback will contain spoilers.

Anyways, here are my thoughts (warning, this is long lmao)

Hey everyone

First off, I just want to say how thankful I am for the support for this fic. I never thought I’d finish it and to see it finished more than a year after the first chapter was posted and to see how many of you stuck around and didn’t give up on it is truly heartwarming! Thank you for letting me tell my story, thank you for supporting me, thank you for egging me on to finish it, thank you for sharing your thoughts and words of encouragement, thank you, thank you, thank you! I know sometimes I may come across as unthankful. And I’ll be so honest with you guys, a few days following the posting of POYT 5, I was so, so emotional and on edge and kind of upset because I thought the fic was not getting as much feedback as I thought it would. Which is crazy to think since we got it to 1000 notes in 24 hours!!

But I understand that people take time to read something so long, and it’s so much content that people need time to gather their thoughts. I get that. I’m just a very emotional person, which is why it may have seemed like I got upset. I poured my heart and soul into this fic for the past six months, so I will be emotional about it. That being said, I really want to stress on the fact that I AM super thankful towards the people who supported me and sent in amazing feedback, or reblogged and wrote their feedback down! I’ve read every single feedback so far maybe about three times!! I can’t wait to answer it so we can fully have an in-depth discussion about the story!

ALSO. And this is so important. POYT IS A DARK FIC. Steve, no matter what redemption I gave him, is a whole ass red flag in real life. He’s still a dark character, he is still someone that would totally be a villain in real life. POYT is a work of complete fiction, so please don’t think that because she ended up living happily ever after with Steve, that I condone that in real life. I think we are all old enough to understand that this is just me exploring a dark relationship in FICTION. In real life, this would be considered toxic and abusive. PLEASE remember that. Do not be with a poyt!Steve in real life. Please.

Now, to the fic itself. I’ll explain more when I answer the asks but let me just share my main thought-process behind it. I know a lot of people expected Peter to take Omega away and for Omega and Steve to be apart for a chunk of the story. I NEVER wanted to do anything like that. I believe I’ve mentioned it a few times but I don’t really love it when this happens in stories I read, and I always skip to the part where the reader and her man are back together. So I knew I didn’t want to do this.

There WAS an early iteration of the story where Peter takes Omega back to his apartment and she spends the night in his guest-room (she doesn’t want to sleep in the same room as him, she doesn’t hate him or anything but it feels wrong to her). Peter would have made her block Steve’s number and told her to just sleep on it. But she would’ve cried all night and missed Steve so much that she would’ve unblocked him. Of course, her phone would be flooded with calls and texts from Steve, ranging from angry to sad to demanding to know where she is to blaming Peter to blaming Omega. Really erratic texts like  “I told you I loved you and you left me,” to “fuck you, I will never forgive you,” to “sorry I didn’t mean that please come back, baby, I miss you.” And she would have called him back but hung up quickly before he could alpha-command her into telling him where she is (she wouldn’t want to endanger Peter). And then Omega herself would’ve left and gone back to Steve.

I didn’t do this because, honestly, Peter would never “kidnap” Omega. I know a lot of people used the word kidnap but honestly that’s not what was going on. Peter thought he was saving her, but she had already decided in Part 4 that it was Steve she couldn’t live without. In Part 4, she says she could live without her mom and without Peter, but not without Steve. She’s already said yes to his proposal, there was no doubt she was going to stay with Steve. Maybe a little bit because Steve had only promised to be better at that point, and he had not proven it. But we all know Omega always saw the best in Steve, always wanted him to be better, always wanted him deep down. It wouldn’t make sense for her to stay quiet and let Peter take her all the way back to his apartment. I know she’s always been confused and indecisive, but I wanted her to be firm in that moment. Because she has chosen to be with Steve. At that moment, she doesn’t know why and she’s still confused about her feelings for Steve, but she knows she can’t live without him. So she chooses to stay with him within the first few sentences of the fic.

I remember a few months ago I received an ask saying that they expected Omega and Steve to stay apart for about 10k words of POYT 5, and I read that thinking “OMG is this what people are expecting???” because PERSONALLY, I would skip the fuck out of those 10k words if reader wasn’t with her love interest for 10k whole words. That’s just me personally, everyone has a different opinion but yeah. I tried to stay as true to MYSELF in this fic as possible, and ultimately, this is how I wanted it to play out.

I wanted POYT 5 to be about Steve and Omega and their interactions with each other. Because if you look back at the four parts before this… why exactly are we rooting for this couple? Have they had any sweet or romantic moments? They have, but very few and far between. Have they even had normal conversations? I needed their relationship to grow and evolve so that it would GENUINELY be a happy ending. I wanted the over-arching theme to be their interactions evolving, and Steve saying he loves her and her being unable to say it back. Which is why, if you noticed, almost every time Steve would say he loved her, he’d wait expectantly for her to say it back, and withdraw when she didn’t.

I’d say my biggest struggle was writing Steve (as it always is). I wanted his character development to be believable. But I think people need to remember that he had already turned a new leaf in POYT 4. And so POYT 5 was more about him demonstrating how he’d change, and keeping true to the promises he made to her in the previous part. I really hope you recognised that I tried to do it gradually, and that he’s trying to be better but still struggling with it.

For example: when he steps away from fighting Peter, you can tell he’s fighting with himself and this manifests through his literal physical features. How his face contorts before bouncing back then contorting again. I focused a LOT on describing Steve’s physical features in that part (so much so that I had to cut out whole paragraphs that just focused on describing his expression changing).

And then his panic attack. I got a message saying that was very out of character for Steve (I’ll respond to that message, don’t you worry, anon). But I really do not think it was OOC. Look, in fics this long, characters need to evolve. And Steve has been cold, calculated, strong, put-together for the whole of POYT so it honestly makes sense that he would lose it. To me, it does. He already lost it a few times in POYT 4, so it would make sense that he’d lose it some more. I know a lot of people enjoy reading him as this all-powerful alpha male and I was like that too, but I had to write this because it felt right to me. Steve is very emotionally volatile, and I think it was fitting that he had a panic attack. It shows another side of him, and I was proud of that scene. I’ll elaborate on this more when I answer that anon. But let me just say this: usually, when Steve got angry in the past – he’d resort to physical violence or some form of twisted, calculated revenge. He cannot do that to Peter, because he knows now that omega won’t forgive him if he did. So, in that moment, he kind of just… breaks. He doesn’t know how to process his emotions properly, so he panics. He’s seen his omega kiss someone else, and then he’s had to listen to that same person call him out in front of everyone and basically told him no one would ever love him. We KNOW Steve is insecure deep down, and so it’s honestly not very surprising that he had a panic attack. Villainous, macho characters can have panic attacks too, anon. They aren’t just reserved for the good characters.

Anyways, this is getting too long but moving on. I really hoped I captured Steve’s growth in a gradual, somewhat realistic way. Like how he blurts out that her mother won’t care about her getting married before he cuts himself off (him being tactful when before, he’d manipulated her and said this VERY thing). In the road trip scene, his communication still isn’t the best but at least he is TRYING, with that “game” that he plays just so he can ask her questions about her feelings. Like, he couldn’t straight up ask her and he had to make it into a game but like… it’s poyt!Steve after all so what do you expect haha. And when they���re at her childhood home, he’s still that guy who goes through all her stuff and pokes fun at her… but the difference is that it’s now turned into gentle teasing and not mean teasing, like how it was in the first few chapters.

Speaking of them going back to omega’s childhood home, I hope you guys caught on that omega realises her mom has left the moment she opens her mom’s bedroom door and sees the bed stripped and dresser empty. That’s why she gasps. But she doesn’t want to accept it, which is why she refuses to believe it. I’m sure everyone caught on to that but I’m just explaining anyways because why not. I’ll also say that writing this part made me cry so hard, I don’t know why. I have a very good relationship with my mother, she’s my whole entire life and she’s the best woman I know. So, to write a character who just does not have that… I don’t know why but it really affected me. And every time I reread this part to edit it, I cried. Every time. Especially the part where she talks about the ghost of her younger self playing in the garden. Like I’m tearing up now… Oh God!!! Also, when she breaks down and starts screaming at her mom’s door, I remember I wrote a part where she takes off her shoe and throws it at the door. I cut it out but I wish I’d kept it in in hindsight, just to show how raw and hurt she felt.

Anyways, as a lot of you messaged me saying this, you’re right, this was the moment where something snaps in Steve and he changes. It’s like he realises everything she’s been through and is still going through, and all the hurt and grief HE caused her. It’s never explicitly mentioned, but since the bathtub scene, Steve is afraid she’s going to kill herself. Like, that’s just a very real thing in his head, he’s just afraid she’s going to do that and he’d have been the main driving factor behind it. And so he realises he HAS to change. It’s in the way he doesn’t get mad at her when she tells him to fuck off, when she makes that dig at him and says he doesn’t have hardworking parents who work long hours. I wanted to convey that in that moment, her mental well-being just becomes his number one priority and he realises he could lose her. Maybe not physically, but he could still lose her. Which is why he gets so desperate in the end, and pleads with her to stay with him.

WHICH IS WHY, from then on, we see Steve being very communicative all of a sudden. And it’s ironic, because he’s not communicative about his own shit but he wants omega to voice all her concerns. That is why we get so much of “baby, tell me how you’re feeling.” Simply put, he’s afraid she’ll kill herself, and he also wants to be more communicative in order to improve their relationship and be better for her. Which is why he kind of throws himself into this new persona of this ultra communicative, ultra vocal about his love type of boyfriend. Like, he really lays it on thick, but he means it… and it also comes from a place of desperation, like he NEEDS her to get better. He knows deep down he’s about to lose his mother, but he cannot lose omega too. So if some of you thought it was OOC for him being SO SO SO vocal about his declarations of love and all his sweet little speeches, well, this is why I did it.

Speaking of Mrs. Rogers, she was a big talking point amongst all of you in the feedback I got! Like, overwhelmingly so! All I’ll say is, the whole cancer thing is something I pictured for her for a long time. But there WAS an early iteration of Steve’s parents where we would’ve met them in POYT 4 during Steve’s graduation and they would’ve been snooty and not approved of Omega. But somewhere along the way, that all changed. But I do want to stress that I did not mean to give the impression that Steve’s mom having cancer is the reason why he’s a bully. He was a bully alpha way before his mother got sick. Maybe it contributed a little bit but it does not excuse his behaviour at all and I never meant for it to! Honestly, it was more about exploring just how delusional and scared Steve really is, deep down. Like, his inability to accept that his mother is dying is very similar to omega refusing at first to accept that her mom left her. It’s more about how both the main characters push their problems aside and are often unable to accept them head on. It also added another facet to Steve’s character, and made things that little bit more heartbreaking, which was my intention.

Oh my fucking God, this is already 2.4k words??? Anyways, I really want to talk about the Rogers’ family mansion. So, since I was a child, I was obsessed with this author called VC Andrews who wrote Flowers in the Attic. When I say obsessed, I mean that I read each of her books like six or seven times and I still reread them till this day. To the point where my writing is influenced by her. Anyways, her stories were often rags-to-riches, and the heroine always describes a mansion. I was entranced reading about Foxworth Hall from FitA and Farthingale Manor from Heaven (if you guys haven’t read these books, please do. They are so, so good. I write the way I write because I read these books). So when I wrote the scene of Steve’s mansion, I wanted it to have that gothic horror family saga type feel, and so there were a lot of descriptions of just how big his house was, how his family literally had a ballroom and used to host galas, I really just wanted to paint a full picture of that. And then amongst all those riches, is Steve’s mom, a woman who is sick, whose husband is always away, whose son is too scared to come see her anymore. The sadness and secrets in all the wealth, that’s what I wanted to capture. If you guys have read Flowers in the Attic, you’d maybe understand what I mean. I deviated a bit from the usual style of POYT for these few scenes in Steve’s mansion, but I enjoyed writing them immensely.

More on Steve’s character: at this point I wanted to show that he was changing but that he wasn’t perfect and change doesn’t happen overnight. Which is why he lashes out at her for not saying she loves him back (right after sex, mind you, when she’s feeling extra vulnerable). It was a mean thing to do, but again, nobody is perfect and least of all him. Also, idk if anyone caught this bc no one has commented on it as of yet, but she almost slipped in the shower because she was trying to chase after him :// POYT 5 could’ve been a lot sadder just then… but I decided not to go there. Anyways, I wanted to show that Steve was still impulsive, quick to get angry. But the key difference is HE CAME BACK. And comforted her. I just wanted to show his gradual growth there.

I feel like I’m doing too much now so let me speed through the rest. I really tried to sprinkle in a lot of moments where Steve was being his cocky self, because he still is that and always will be. He’s still got his rules, and he’s being lax about them but at the end of the day he’s still an alpha. What I’m trying to say is, in the future, he’s not going to be the manipulative, childish, toxic fuckboy that he was before. But he WILL ultimately still be the misogynistic alpha that he always was, albeit a lot less intense and mean than before.

The scene with Bucky was always, always going to happen. All that Bucky stuff was leading up to something, and I always planned to do this. But when I actually got to writing it and realised how lame this man sounded when he was listing his problems “Steve always got the better car” etc, I knew I had to have omega comment on how dumb his problems were compared to hers. Because they are!!! It was ridiculous at the end of the day. I know a lot of people expected a fight with Peter and Steve, but that was never going to happen in full. It was always Steve vs Bucky to me. They have more history, they’re both more evenly matched in physical strength. Also, I want to clarify that at this point, Bucky did not have any feelings for omega, she was just an object to him that he could not have, and it was the last straw for him. I left Bucky’s fate as open-ended, maybe one day I’ll go back to that.

The final scene was ALWAYS meant to be omega marking Steve and finally telling him she loves him too. Like, I had this pictured since day one. This was always, always going to be the ending.

In terms of her and Peter, I really struggled with what type of ending I could give them. Because realistically, if I was Peter, I’d still be angry. I’d still be in disbelief over my best friend being with a man who is just… Not Good. And I do think Peter deep down still feels that way, but he also knows he cannot persuade omega, and so he has to move on. He sent her a wedding card but, in my head, they do not keep in touch. Steve doesn’t want her to keep in touch with him, and honestly, there isn’t much for Peter and omega to say to each other anymore. Which I think is realistic. It’s sad but it’s realistic.

One of the hardest parts for me was making sure to tie up every single loose end. Like for example, Sharon. In an earlier iteration, I had originally planned for Steve to somehow sabotage Sharon and keep her from graduating as revenge for her being mean to omega. In the end, I decided against this. Sharon is not important to Steve, she is not that important to the story either, and honestly, she wouldn’t have deserved that at all. So, I left her alone. I hope she’s doing well.

Same with other tiny loose ends, like who fixed Steve Junior? Originally, I genuinely DID mean that Steve simply paid someone else to fix her. But A LOT of you sent me messages asking if it was Steve himself who fixed him… and it just made so much sense! Because the stitching is done lowkey badly and unevenly, so of course it was Steve! I added that part in right at the end! Also the sketchbook part, where Steve sketches his mom. That was added like, on the day of me posting the fic. I was so paranoid I missed something, but I don’t think I did??

Mr. Rogers wasn’t meant to be in the fic at all. I wanted to keep him mysterious. But in the end, I decided to add him in last second. And I liked that he and his wife are so in love, but I feel like he’s still a mysterious character – especially in his relationship towards his son.

Lastly, Steve was ALWAYS gonna be a girl dad. That was never a question. Like… come on. We all saw that one coming!!!

Now all I can say is that Steve (the one on my blog who answers questions) is going to be SO smug that he got his omega back (after like two minutes of him losing her lmao). LIKE?? He proved all of you wrong hahahaha. The whole time y'all were talking about him sitting at home, heartbroken bc his omega got taken... HE HAD HER THE WHOLE TIME. just a funny thought lol.

ANYWAYS, if you have any questions about the fic, any more deleted scenes you wanna know about, any other things you want to say in response to this? please send them in!!!

[sleekervae]

Introducing the OCs: Eleanor

Hi babies!

Been a while since I've done one of these! Seeing as my OC gals feature some pretty significant story lines of their own (we love plots that don’t just focus on romance), in this small series you’ll find some information about the girls, paired with their aesthetics and general behaviour. Today we're gonna learn about our wily cowgirl, Eleanor.

You can find her profile below the cut. There will be spoilers and NSFW content.

Masterlist

Moodboard

Eleanor is the same or a little bit younger than Billy, but not by much. She's very educated for a woman of her time, her mother made sure she knew how to read, write, calculate, and as a result her father decided to put her to work as a book keeper for their family's ranch. Unfortunately, because she's a woman in the 1860s, most people tend to underestimate her; as a result Eleanor gets one up on many people she comes across. She’s open-minded and doesn’t believe anyone is inherently better than another. Her family has a history of investing in plantations in South Carolina, but she was appalled by the cruelty and abuse inflicted on the slaves. After the Civil War, her family fled to Rosario, where they rebuilt their ranch.

She's a bit of a chameleon and can integrate wherever she goes; be it a simple farm girl or an elegant professional. Her big eyes and kind, feminine demeanour makes her appear very trusting and innocent,; she embraces her charisma and beauty fully and uses it to her own advantage. However, she'll open up and be vulnerable in front of people she only trusts. Her layers will be peeled back and if she truly trusts you, she'll protect you with her life; hence why she's so protective and open with Billy. She's very considerate, however don't ever mistake her kindness for weakness because she'll put a bullet in you without a second thought.

Eleanor was very distrustful of men, especially after her mother died and her father sold her dowry. Being a housewife was never a life she wanted; there was so much to explore in the frontier and being stuck at home with an old, decrepit husband would surely be the death of her. However, her feelings begin to turn when she meets Billy. His kindness and willingness to help her, no questions asked, was something she'd never experienced before with a man, young or old. Their relationship continues to flourish despite how often they separate. No matter where she goes, Eleanor knows that she always wants to be with Billy. It doesn't matter whether he's an outlaw, he's the only man she truly feels safe around.

Billy equally has never been so taken with a woman like he has with Eleanor. Didn't matter how many pretty women he met on his travels, Eleanor was wedged in his mind and no matter what he did, she stayed there. No matter how scared or angry he was, just a thought of her would suddenly ease him. Their private moments together, no matter how scarce they may seem, are always filled with great tenderness and softly spoken words where they quietly discuss the frontier and their future, mixing ordinary life with the greatness of existence. Eleanor likes reading, but mostly being read to. She likes listening to Billy's voice as he reads for her, she likes closing her eyes with her head on his chest and listen to his quiet voice, or with her head on his lap, her eyes droopy as his hand combs her hair while the other one holds the book.

When they're in public together, they could be very rigid, not interacting with each other much as they didn't want particular people in Lincoln to target them. But if Billy needs to touch her, he'll keep a hand on her shoulder or take her hand in his. He'll always let her go through the door or up the stairs first, being a gentleman after all. When they're among friends and can be more relaxed, he'll have his arm around her shoulders, he also likes placing his arm behind her back to reach for her outer thigh, squeezing it gently as he tucks her into his side. If Eleanor's zoning out she'll sometimes prop her chin on his shoulder while he's talking about cards or discussing plans with the other Regulators. Billy loves when she does this, her lips are so close and it makes it so easy to steal a kiss or two -- that certainly zones her back in. And when the alcohol is flowing, Eleanor will wind up in Billy's lap at some point in the night, and it's all good times from there...

Women enjoying sex was quite a taboo topic for the time, Eleanor however found herself enjoying sex quite a bit. Her first time, with a ranch hand on her family’s farm, was dirty and cold on the barn floor, but it was the moment Eleanor truly felt like a woman. With Billy, she reaches new heights of pleasure, and he definitely reaches his sexual peak when he's with Eleanor. To put it simply, Eleanor is a brat—smart, hot-headed, and stubborn. Billy loves taming her because she’s the perfect blend of brains and beauty, keeping him busy and sometimes distracted from his responsibilities.

Billy relishes in learning how to please her, and as he masters her desires, his confidence soars. He delights in teasing her—physically and verbally—whispering all the wicked things he plans to do to her, just to make her shiver on the spot. Their favorite positions reflect their dynamic: missionary, where Eleanor loves the feel of him pressing down on her, and doggy, perfect for some enthusiastic, rowdy fucking. Spooning also makes the list, as it allows Eleanor to handle Billy’s size while keeping things intimate.

Eleanor sometimes feels insecure about her small breasts, but Billy doesn’t mind at all. He’s captivated by her personality, her intellect — and, admittedly, her perfectly shaped butt. He spends a lot of time on her chest, laying there, kissing it, touching it gently. As a consequence, he gets a lot of hair combing, face-touching, and forehead kisses. He likes laying on top of her, with her breasts pillowing his head. He just likes it a lot. It relaxes him and soothes him after a long day in the heat. Eleanor's drawn to people with knowledge and respectability, those who are smart enough to challenge her. She needs someone who can either help her switch off her overactive mind or engage it with sharp wit and spicy conversation. In short, she craves someone who can stimulate her mentally and then and then fuck her brains out with flawless execution of the sex she was thinking about. Billy fits the bill perfectly, embracing the challenge with enthusiasm.

Nothing turns her on more than a heated argument. Eleanor’s fierce, with a strong will and a fiery temper. Their clashes often end with Billy taking her on the nearest available surface, whether by putting her in her place when she’s being bratty or sweet-talking her into submission — a skill he’s naturally gifted at. After they’ve burned off their tempers, they take the time to analyze their disagreements, understanding what triggered the conflict and trying to see things from each other’s perspective. They know that good sex doesn’t solve problems, and they’re both committed to communicating openly once their tempers cool. Though they’re both stubborn and impulsive, they’ve learned to navigate their differences through shared emotional language.

Their disagreements rarely stem from differing morals or life views; it’s usually Billy’s recklessness or Eleanor’s elusive nature that sparks tension. But regardless of the cause, their arguments often lead to a good, passionate, and thoroughly satisfying fuck.

When it comes to foreplay, Eleanor is incredibly giving—partly because of her nurturing nature and partly because she loves watching Billy unravel under her touch. Her favorite kind of foreplay is a hand or blowjob, and she’s more than happy to do it just because, no special occasion needed. And of course, Billy isn’t the type to deny her what she wants.

Their connection is instinctual, not one for elaborate plans or premeditated moves, which makes their encounters feel wild and raw. Everything between them is passionate, especially when it comes to sex. But when emotions run high, their intimacy shifts—sex becomes soft and gentle, every touch cherished as if it might be their last.

Yet, Billy knows how to slow down and take his time, particularly when it comes to eating her out. Eleanor’s had her share of disappointing experiences in the past, so for Billy, it’s a chance to show her just how enamored, dedicated, and passionate he is. In those moments, he’s all about her, making sure she feels nothing but pleasure and love.

Their sleeping position depends on the mood. Usually, Billy wraps around Eleanor from behind, making her the small spoon, his arm and leg draped protectively over her as he cups her breast. Eleanor loves it when he pulls her close, letting her drift off with her head on his chest, held securely at his side. On nights when Billy is feeling more vulnerable, she softens, letting him rest his head on her chest, curling up beside her as she gently strokes his hair. After sex or during a nap, their closeness intensifies. There’s plenty of innocent breast-touching, but things can easily heat up if Billy’s in the mood for another round. Cockwarming is also a frequent occurrence, keeping them intimately connected as they drift in and out of sleep.

Their aftercare is deeply emotional and intimate. As Billy relaxes, he opens up, talking about the things that weigh on his mind and make him feel vulnerable. Eleanor is always there to listen, to soothe his worries, and to reassure him, helping him to stop overthinking and find peace in her embrace.

Billy and Eleanor are a fun couple, still navigating the ups and downs of their relationship, but grounded in a foundation of gentleness and sensitivity. Their connection runs deep, forged by the harsh realities of frontier life and their shared determination to survive whatever comes their way. As they grow both personally and socially, their bond only strengthens, showing them that they can face anything the world throws at them—as long as they have each other. Their love is the kind that endures, built on trust, resilience, and a deep understanding that together, they’re unstoppable.

[gendervapor14]

you there! do you like One Piece? do you like Rare-Pairs?

c'mere... come a little closer...

✨ i made a discord server!! ✨

Rare-Pear ~ a One Piece Rare-Pair Server!

after holding several different conversations across a variety of platforms, i decided maybe it was time to try and make my own server! rare-pairs hold a special place in my heart. they don't often get as much love as some of the more popular ships and tropes, which can leave the creators feeling awfully lonely.

SO! i sought to remedy that! 🥰 together, we can find other niche creations and creators and give them all the hype they deserve! there are channels for bouncing ideas around, sharing fics and art, and plenty of space for general discussion/analyses. we also have an ao3 collection to flaunt all the fruits of our labor! 🍐💕

i will post the detailed rules below the cut, but here's the tl:dr for anyone who's just doing a quick scroll:

writers, artists, and casual consumers are all welcome!

focus on pairings with <100 stories on ao3 using otp:true

must be 20+ to join

no anti/proship discourse

roles to opt in/out of nsfw or dark content

rules and link to join beneath the cut! if/when the link expires, feel free to shoot me a DM or reply and i'll gladly refresh the link 🥰

RULES

this server was created to offer a place for those who enjoy rare pairs in the One Piece fandom. for the sake of this server, a rare pair is defined as a pairing who has less than 100 works on ao3 using "otp:true". (romantic or platonic!) but don’t panic! if your OTP (or one of them) has more than 100 works, that’s okay! you are still welcome here! just be sure to encourage those who are creating for and/or celebrating smaller pairings.

you must be 20+ years old to join this server.

respect is vital. any form of hate speech or bigotry will not be tolerated. if a ship, story, or trope is not your cup of tea, don’t drink it! disagreements are inevitable, but the nature of this server is to support one another, so please be respectful if ideas collide. different interpretations should be encouraged!

no anti/proship discourse.

no underage content.

no AI-generated content.

dark/sensitive works and discussions are to be posted in the “bruised fruits” category so people can easily mute these channels. this includes subjects that may involve non-con, dub-con, incest, gore, suicide, self-harm, eating disorders, and animal abuse. if you encounter an additional subject you’d like to be filtered into this channel, do not hesitate to reach out to a mod.

other nsfw works and discussions should be posted in the “spicy fruits” category so people can easily mute these channels. this includes subjects that may involve nudity or sex. if you encounter an additional subject you’d like to be filtered into this channel, do not hesitate to reach out to a mod.

fanart shared in dark/nsfw channels should still be covered with a spoiler tag and explicitly labeled to ensure maximum comfort for all individuals.

be mindful of the content you consume. do not harass any individuals or creations under any circumstances. a mod will step in if there is a violation of the rules.

this server is focused on rare pairs in the One Piece fandom, but other fandom discourse is welcome, and belongs in the appropriate “#other fruits” channel. feel free to make a thread for your fandom as well, if you find others who share an interest in it!

feel free to create your own threads! whether it be a thread for your pairing, or a thread for your current wip. just be sure to create your thread in the appropriate category/channel.

try to keep conversations relevant per channel. each category has their own channels for general discussion/analyses. off-topic conversations are encouraged in the “#general chat” channel in the “picnic table” category.

you are encouraged to post fanfiction/fanart, but be sure to do so in the correct fanfiction/fanart channels. when posting fic recs or others’ artwork, be sure to include the link to credit the original artist.

any additional questions or concerns can be brought to the “#questions/suggestions” channel under the “welcome!” category, or discussed via DM with a mod :)

hope to see you there! 🍐♥

[zeep-xanflorp]

realised i've never done an intro to this blog so it's probably about time

my name is zeep!

i'm 21, audhd, queer and non binary. any pronouns.

i love ppl interacting in reblogs and leaving asks.

feel free to dm me! i probably won't reply if you just say "hey" or "how are you." just start talking to me like we're already mates. i'm nice i promise.

more about my blog + boundaries below the cut

what i post:

my original posts are mainly rick and morty metas analysing the characters, certain episodes of the show, themes and fandom analysis (tag: #rick and morty meta or #[character name] meta)

for generic posts about specific characters, i use their names (eg. #rick prime, #evil morty)

for posts regarding a certain episode, i use the episode titles (eg. #the abcs of beth, #unmortricken)

posts about a certain season are under the season number or spoiler tags (eg. #rick and morty season 7, #rick and morty season 7 spoilers)

sometimes i thirst over rick and it's embarrassing (tags: #rickfucker #old man alert). i get nsfw sometimes which will be tagged #rickfucker nsft and/or #mdni (srsly minors don't touch these posts, see boundaries below)

if i'm not thirsting or analysing then i'm shitposting.

i do write fanfic but im yet to connect my AO3 to this blog. maybe someday i will.

my main ships in this fandom are: rick c-137/rick prime (#prickcest), rick/birdperson (#birdrick), rick/reader (normally gender neutral, no designated tag yet).

i try to keep things sfw but sometimes i deviate and post some sexual stuff or gore, mainly in reblogs but sometimes in text posts.

i discuss some heavy shit sometimes so i try to consistently tag tws and cws. i use some tags pretty often so blacklist these if you need to: tw suicide, tw suicide mention, cw gore, cw blood, tw alcohol, tw substance abuse. i try adding both the cw and tw tags bc i can't remember which r used more. sometimes i mess up so do lmk and i'll fix it.

boundaries:

i won't and cannot stop anyone from interacting with my posts, however i would ask that you're respectful of my boundaries. if not then you get blocked.

general dni criteria. general don't be a dick rule.

proshippers mainly incest and underage shit, dnf. i'm anti censorship and won't engage in discourse but seeing that especially in the r+m fandom is a genuine trigger. tag your shit correctly and leave me alone and i'll do the same.

i'm a passionate justin roiland anti. anyone who defends him gtfo.

if you're a minor or ageless blog dni with my nsfw posts.

if you're cool w all this then feel free to stick around.

[wherethedogsareburied]

ok so i think it’s really important to talk about ivan’s struggle with his image and how that’s tied into his arc as a whole

[below the cut || mentions of pedophilia/child abuse/sexual assault, in-depth discussion of body dysmorphia and familial trauma. dead dove. spoilers also ahead.]

so from the very beginning we notice a few really clear things about ivan. initially he’s wearing a bandana over his face (which he resists taking off once prompted by magnolia) and every mention of his hair refers to it as bleach-blonde, occasionally noting black roots. it becomes really clear when he gets upset at magnolia “staring” and doesn’t immediately process being called attractive: he believes that he is, by default, ugly, so much so that he believes he must alter and hide his appearance.

it’s really tragic in my opinion but buried dogs isn’t going to see much of his backstory. he canonically thinks of it as a very touchy subject and therefore is generally unwilling to share it. the most pivotal information is his relation to zaine cross and reverend malakov himself. what i hope to accomplish is a sense of “one” ivan from the past and “another” one in the present, so to speak. and the fundamental splitting point between these two ivans is the incident that he witnessed.

to recap, he‘s harbored resentment towards his father for a long time (to put it simply, he was neglected for most of his childhood in lieu of zaine, as malakov had a decided preference), and he was aware of some sort of cruelty or abuse towards zaine despite not knowing precisely what was happening. the ‘incident’ refers to ivan stumbling into a room where reverend malakov is assaulting zaine. a fight breaks out, primarily between malakov and ivan, and ivan ends up running away despite zaine's protest. eight months later, he is discovered by magnolia, his appearance actively skewed.

what he saw was effectively scalded into his brain. instead of reach out for any help during this time (or speak to anyone at all), he opted to retreat both physically and emotionally. pair this with the resentment he already carried and the feelings he had for zaine throughout his coming of age, he began to resent himself, as well*.

*it’s important to mention that in leaving, he also abandons zaine. he recognizes this and all of its implications and it feeds his self-loathing.

a majority of the simple resentment towards malakov was visual. it was easy for ivan, but any unsavory trait that malakov had would end up hurting ivan’s fragile, teenage boy self-image as a result. after what he witnesses, not only does he believe he shares those traits with a grimy old man and a terrible father, but also with a pedophile. he ends up fucking terrified about what else he could have in common with this man. as a result? he opts to change as much as he can about himself. malakov has dark hair? ivan bleaches his. malakov talks a lot? ivan shuts the fuck up. he also goes so far as to neglect his physical health, believing that someone who is “so similar” to his father does not deserve basic things, food included. this is ultimately the root of his scrawny stature and his difficulty with balance.

he is at this point when the story begins and he meets magnolia. the juxtaposition between their family dynamics is intentional, especially given the history between malakov and oleander. ivan puts all of this weight on how things run in the family and is miserable because of it: by contrast, magnolia is adopted, thinks little about any influence that her biological family may have had on her, and she is content**.

**the positive influence that she has on him will also have to have a negative influence on her. this becomes visible in some of magnolia’s mental processes surrounding ivan’s monologues. for instance, she gets notably more gloomy after thinking in too much detail about her birth parents and what may have run in the family, what she missed out on, etc.

this is also noticeable during the transition between the beast and the beheading when they, effectively, lose both of their fathers at the same time. ivan realizes that they have a very similar reaction to it (see: crying their fucking shit out) despite their different upbringings and viewpoints, which sows seeds of panic into him that won’t be confronted until the smoking scene, where he confesses that he never wanted to have to hate malakov.

the lycanthropy scene, just after this, puts a head to ivan’s subplot. the reason for ivan’s neglect as a child was that he showed no signs of lycanthropy and therefore was a “disappointment” to malakov, to put it simply, and experiencing a transformation just after his father’s death causes him to spiral as it is arguably one of the worse things to have in common with him (this is especially considering malakov’s high regards to the illness and his involvement with the sons of volok). magnolia’s presence during this scene is crucial - despite her initial fear she refuses to leave him, rambling at him and playing guitar while she keeps him grounded. if she had not been there, it would have convinced him further that he was some sort of monster and he would have only grown more distant. but she was, and because of the way she treated him, he was able to stop himself from spiraling.

as the beheading transitions to the burial, the final act, ivan appears to be improving! he's seen working toward healthy eating habits and spends less time worrying about his appearance. however, when zaine comes back into the picture, he is forced to realize how similar he is in behavior to his father, particularly when it comes to zaine. his muddled feelings of attraction and disgust cause him to lash out and behave cruelly and he does not take kindly to magnolia nor zaine pointing this similarity out. he throws what can best be described as a temper tantrum and nearly leaves again, but is halted by zaine.

his reconciliation with his old friend is, unfortunately, cut short when zaine is killed in the finale after his betrayal of both hellen and oleander. in the epilogue, he is seen continuing to toy with his own appearance, but in a way that more closely mirrors zaine's. like a majority of the other important characters he ends up in a fairly bad place at the end, the main difference between “old ivan” and “new ivan” being that he now has a support system. i don’t have a satisfying conclusion for this essay really i just haven’t written in weeks because i’ve been moving and the autism moth in my brain needed something. and i'm editing for a similar reason tbh, this wasn't lore accurate anymore and i haven't written anything apart from shit for class for a while

tl;dr: kid experiences the horrors and dips instead of getting therapy; kethadiogt ‘where is he now’ sequel special

[kelebriel]

So I’ve been rereading Homestuck lately. Considering the whole cafe thing coming up, I think the finale of HS^2 is going to release this upcoming Homestuck Day, so I wanna be prepared! And it’s been fuckin forever since I read it/the epilogues/HS^2, so I need to refresh myself! And I wanted to reread it, so get off my jock. So far, I’ve finished the first three acts, including the intermission. As I’ve been rereading it, I wanna catalogue some thoughts, below the cut! There’s gonna be discussion of animal death, abuse, and slurs, as well as just general spoilers, if you still care about that but haven’t read it yet. Can’t imagine why you haven’t read it yet, it’s been years. Jeez, man. First thought: Man, Homestuck is still a good fucking webcomic. I’m having a lot of fun reading it again.

-Homestuck starts pretty slow. I always knew that, but going back to it and man it takes a while to get going, action-wise

-Data Structure For Assholes pretty much could be written by Karkat, if Karkat wasn’t abysmal at that also.

-Rereading makes it baffling that anyone ever came to the conclusion that Dave was actually cool. He’s constantly being a doof and begging for attention from practically the word go. -So I know this might be controversial, but the r-slurs thrown around are actually kind of accurate. I was 13 when Homestuck started, and let me tell you, we were absolutely throwing slurs at each other. I can’t say for certain how much it’s being used now, being nearly thirty years old, but there’s a verisimilitude to that now. Not saying it’s necessary or anything, I don’t know for sure about that, and it’s probably an answer that changes on a person to person basis, but it was how teens were talking back in the day.

-The years have come and gone, and will continue to come and go. It’s already been nearly a decade since Homestuck’s heyday. But it doesn’t matter how much time passes; Homestuck music will continue to kick ass. I got fucking goosebumps during the EoA3 animation!  -Boy oh boy Jade could have been real bad, huh? From a narrative, OOC standpoint. This girl who lives in a temple island, who has futuristic technology and is a crack shot with a rifle and is also a nuclear physicist, whose grandpa was a billionaire and whose current guardian is a dog with powers over space and time, who mysteriously and inexplicably (at least at first) knows how things are going to go before they happen? Could have been a Mary-Sue-shaped millstone around the neck of the whole comic.

-I didn’t remember that Tavros was introduced third out of the twelve trolls. Seems kind of odd, considering how more of a side character he is compared to Karkat and Kanaya, numbers 1 and 2. Not complaining, though, Tavros attempting to troll Dave and getting supremely fucked with in return is still hilarious.

-So we kind of know that Bro was constantly fighting Dave to toughen him up for the Medium and everything. Was it successful? Sure, Dave was traumatized to hell and back by having to sword fight the person who was supposed to be raising him, but he is pretty good with a sword by the time he gets into the game. Although John and Rose are pretty good, too, and neither of them had assigned their strife specibus before that day. Makes me wonder how necessary all the fucked up conditioning really was. I’ll have to keep this in mind as I go forward.

-After their rooftop confrontation, where Bro shatters Dave’s sword and then flies off on a rocket skateboard, he drops his copy of the beta on Dave’s chest. How did he know that Dave needed them? Was that ever addressed? Is there some kind of software on Dave’s computer that tracks what he’s saying to his friends? That’s fucked up!

-The thing I’ve been coming back to the most, that’s been sticking in my head the longest, is Jaspers. I don’t know what it is about him and his fate that preoccupies me more than it did some twelve or so years ago, when I first read the comic. Maybe I’ve just been made more susceptible to pet death, I dunno. That image of a young Rose psychoanalyzing a cat in a suit was fucking adorable, and the flash detailing Rose finding him and the resulting funeral was heartbreaking. And knowing what we do now about Mom’s personality and how passive-aggresive/ironic she is, I have to say - if my cat died, I would also build him a mausoleum if I could. My family has an older cat now, who I love to pieces, who’s probably going to die within a few years. Me moving out was probably a good move to help build some space for when that happens. He’s a great cat. He deserves a mausoleum. And if I were in a position where I could bring him back, even at the cost of the world, well. I don’t know if I would actually do it, but I’d certainly consider it. Another thing that struck me about Jaspers’ disappearance is that I feel pretty certain that Mom had some inkling about what happened. Her house was built over the Skaianet lab, which had appearifiers and stuff in it. If Rose described what happened when Jaspers vanished, she might have been able to at least recognize the method of disappearance. I dunno what she would have or even could have done, but. Interesting to think about

That’s about all I have for right now. We’ll see what else comes to mind as I continue to read.

[kinetic-elaboration]

April 27: Mr. Robot 4x07

Started crying earlier today while reading Roadside Picnic (and I’m still not even at the end), and now I’ve just watched an emotionally devastating episode of Mr. Robot. So overall a... good day?

Okay, so I don’t know how much I actually have to say about this ep because I’m still processing it.

I knew the central revelation before because I read it in passing in some analysis of the final episode (which, yeah, I read right after watching the finale, even though I’d not yet seen the bulk of S4 and knew I’d run into spoilers; I have no shame). But I didn’t know how it was revealed or even how much/how explicitly it was revealed. So I still felt all of the tension in the scene and a lot of uncertainty, too.

It’s definitely a Sam Esmail twist--which is to say, both a very classic twist and not a twist at all, because he actually knows what the term means and uses it correctly. Twists aren’t arbitrary. They’re well-planned. After the twist, everything that came before should make MORE sense, not less.

So, yeah, when I read that Elliot was a CSA survivor, I was not surprised, really. It did fit with everything I knew from the first three seasons: everything from Elliot not liking to be touched, to his hacking targets often being child molesters, to the very use of the split personality. It fits with what we know about his father, too, honestly: the sense that he was abusive comes all the way from S1: what parent pushes their child out of a window, as we were told the event was at the time? Also, there was something always inappropriate or off about that relationship: that his father shared secrets with him, treated him differently, treated him more like an equal or an adult than a child. It’s not abusive by itself, more like inappropriate, but it fits into the same story as a history of (sexual) abuse. There’s something subtly wrong about that relationship, and it points to something deeply wrong about the father. So it’s terrible to see it come together, but it’s not surprising as in arbitrary or random.

Anyway, it made so much sense to me that I wasn’t even sure if the show actually made it explicit or not, so I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see exactly when Elliot would understand and... what that moment would be.

The answer: devastating!! Rami Malek was amazing, though.

I really liked the way the whole episode was done. Like, if you’re going to do that kind of reveal, it needs to be a Big Episode, and this one was big: hyper-stylized, hyper-intense, perfectly set up over the season so far, incredibly well constructed from first to last.

I was trying to think of what it reminded me of the whole time. The soundtrack and the fade outs between scenes in particular were really confusing me, because I knew it wasn’t television. I thought perhaps film? And then I thought, like, maybe a certain genre, like a little gothic?

Anyway then my mom said it was a play and I was like, oh, duh, obviously a play. Act one, etc. But really everything was theatrical--the thunder in the soundtrack, the simple, two room set; the fade outs like the house lights going down; the small cast; the unity of time, place, and purpose like a classical tragedy.

And it’s such an appropriate forum for Vera too, because he is nothing if not Dramatique at all times.

My opinion on Vera is still that he should be really annoying and boring but something about him in practice is actually really magnetic and intriguing. He really sells it. He’s terrible and weird and scary and dynamic. And honestly... what a way to go. I think he actually was successful in his ‘aluminum bat’ plan--he wore Elliot down, he destroyed him, and then he was there for him.

And then Krista knifed him. It’s the death he would have wanted. And the death Shayla would have wanted for him.

“Home isn’t where you’re from. It’s where you’re supposed to be” is actually a pretty great line.

I also liked when Mr. Robot was giving one of his Anti-Capitalism Speeches lol, like what a pairing, Vera versus all of Elliot’s most pretentious rants at once. He clearly had no idea what to do with that.

I actually do have more thoughts on the personalities thing--in particular, did I say before that I thought the Hacker was the first personality? might have been wrong; seems like it was Mr. Robot, which might alter my whole general theory--and my mom and I were talking a bit about Darlene and what she might have known and when, and what she’s purposefully hidden from Elliot versus what she thinks he knows--but I am SO tired!! I feel like my eyes are open but the rest of me is only marginally awake.

A lot of these thoughts will probably require yet another rewatch anyway...

Next ep returns to the Darlene and Dom cliffhanger...!

[tacticalhimbo]

YALE PSYCHIATRIC - THE TRAGIC CASE OF FATHER JOHN WARD (FAITH: THE UNHOLY TRINITY)

With the new drop of development notes into the GOODIES folder of the game, I wanted to revisit an old analysis I did way back during the era of the Chapter 2 demo.

The long story made short is this: John has an interesting psychology that is backed by the in-game letters and allusions to his hospitalization at Yale Psychiatric. That being said, it isn't really expanded upon because it's not a core element to the plot.

Which, to an extent, can be disagreed with because it is entirely possible that the events of The Unholy Trinity are told through the perspective of an unreliable narrator (John), which then means that some (if not all) events that take place are exaggerated and intensified by John's mental state.

If you ask me, I see the series of events as a blend of details. Demons exist and the cult is very much up to something, but certain things are manipulated to fit a narrative (think, the Martin twins. Amy's mother miscarried, yet John was manipulated into believing the cult had kidnapped the born children for their rituals). I might expand on that another time, but for now, here is my perspective on the characterization of John Ward, and how mental illness plays a significant role throughout the series.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychiatric professional. I do have a degree and spent years studying the intersection between the mental health and correctional systems, but I am not a clinician or an individual with a lot of clinical knowledge. I'm just a guy with too much time on their hands and a tendency to let the autism win (/lh /j). Also, if there are any grammar issues… I know. It was, like, 3 AM when I wrote this, and I don't care to tidy it up more than I have tried to.

With this out of the way, let's dive into it. Below the cut will be spoilers for the game and discussions regarding psychiatric abuse. Reader discretion is advised.

In-game dialog and other citations will be highlighted using small text, as I cannot for the life of me get the indent/blockquote feature to work on desktop.

As of writing this post (January 2023), there are five notes regarding John's admission to Yale Psychiatric after the failed exorcism of Amy Martin. I'm going to transcribe them in order of events, and not in the order they are found. The first note we would see examining John's case file, if he were an actual patient, would be the intake assessment form:

Yale Psychiatric Institute NEW PATIENT INTAKE FORM

Patient Name: Ward, John Thomas

Age: 33 Sex: M Ethnicity: White/Caucasian

Assigned Counselor: Spinel, James, PhD

Health Examination Results: Height: 6 feet 2 inches Weight: 185 lbs HR: 92 bpm Blood Pressure: 135/81

Current Status: Minor cuts and bruises, sprain in left ankle.

Patient is in a state of psychologic shock.

Existing Conditions:

Asthma (dormant) Diminished mobility from childhood injury to right knee.

Notice the little note there about psychologic shock. We do get elaboration on the comment made by whoever conducted the intake process, which come from Yale Psychiatric Notes 1 & 2:

Notes - new patient initial consultation

Subject: John Thomas Ward

Present: Dr. James Spinel, PhD, and two orderlies

Subject non-responsive for first half-hour, followed by fragmented 'exorcism' narrative

Subject unable to maintain consistency in story (for example, stating that Amy was in the basement and then saying she was in the attic)

Subject insists incident was the result of demonic possession

Cannot declare subject of sound mind; will require several more sessions to fully understand subject's mental state. Will advise Martin Family attorneys.

—

Subject is suffering from delusion. In John's mind, he plays the role of the hero sent by God to protect the innocent. In order to escape the consequences of his actions, he has created his own reality. In order for everything to make sense, he needs to believe in the evil spirits and paranormal occurrences. I recommend an in-vivo approach until we can get John to accept the truth.

And for the love of God, please have Ms. Martin transferred to another facility. Somehow, John knows that she is in here with him.

Then there's the newer documentation and references to In Vivo, found in the GOODIES folder of the game. See the text around bullet point 3.

[IMAGE DESCRIPTION: An image of development notes for Faith: The Unholy Trinity Chapter 3, which were taken in an non-lined notebook. There are several roughly drawn images of the page, consisting of level mapping for puzzles in what the developer has called, in previous notes, GaryLand. The text beside bullet point 3 reads "Mini-environments to collect keys. Re-contextualized once you grab key (lost In Vivo). Placement of plagas cultists is 'contested space'. Keys? Sigils? Body parts? Notes alluding that John was there". Beside the last note is a doodle of the eyes emoji, with two stylized eyes looking to the left toward the text. END DESCRIPTION.]

Here's the thing about psychiatric institutions: They suck.

The mental health system in modern day America is better than it was in the 80s, naturally, but not by much. It is important to note that the deinstitutionalization of the mental health system was the right call to make. However, I must note that the lack of funding and resource allocation (mostly due to greed among politicians and public perception of those with mental illness) made it so that individuals are still institutionalized. As of the modern era, individuals with mental illness are disproportionately incarcerated.

The Prison Policy Initiative has a wonderful online research library with up-to-date and reflective research on the rates and treatment of individuals incarcerated, as well as how current carceral practices only work to exacerbate these issues through intensive focus on punishment:

But traveling back in time, before the tides shifted, we have to understand what the environment was like within psychiatric wards/asylums.

The deinstitutionalization of mental health emerged in the 50s following World War II. To make a very long story short, the human rights abuses were put into the spotlight. Several factors, such as inhumane living conditions, harmful treatment practices (which we will elaborate on later), and the rising costs and demand for psychiatric treatment, all contributed to the call for deinstitutionalization. The goal was to improve the quality of life for people with mental illness, and to really just… allow them to exist as humans within society. Though the movement began in the 50s, it didn't gain much popularity among advocate groups until the 60s and 70s (e.g., the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and Project Release), where the movement truly took off.

However, large-scale closures of institutions didn't actually happen until the 80s, at least in the States. This means that, come 1986/1987, there were still institutions actively running. If you'd like to read more about how psychiatric institutions were run in this era, then I highly recommend reading Dr. David Laing Dawson's personal testimonies as a clinician during the era of asylums and advocacy:

But what were popular treatment modalities for patients like John? Firstly, and mentioned in the in-game notes, we have In Vivo Exposure Therapy, or more simply put: Exposure Therapy.

The American Psychiatric Association, in their Clinical Practice Guideline(s) for the Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (2023), define In Vivo Exposure as:

Directly facing a feared object, situation or activity in real life. For example, someone with a fear of snakes might be instructed to handle a snake, or someone with social anxiety might be instructed to give a speech in front of an audience.

This intervention is not limited to PTSD, though, and is often used for other clinical concerns such as phobias, panic and anxiety, and (in some cases) Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. The ultimate goal is to break the pattern of avoidance while confronting the fear in a safe environment. Which is great… for patients who are ready to confront these things. If there's one lesson to take away from this post, it's that treatment cannot be forced. Treatment is ineffective if the person requiring it is non-consenting or otherwise unwilling/unable to go through the modality.

So when you look at a patient like John, who is in an active state of crisis, and decide the best treatment intervention is to (effectively) tell him to "Suck it up" and induce anxiety and fear? It's disgusting and it would, in a realistic scenario, only exacerbate his symptoms even further. Which it seems to do, if the line about John having a reaction to Amy's presence in Yale Psychiatric is anything to go by. The man believes she is possessed by a demon (or knows she is), and has intense dread and anxiety around trying to save her (to the point where it's already a fixation). Exposing him to Amy's presence, or even the possibility of it, is not going to do him well until he is guided down from a crisis state and able to understand what is going on (as well as process the events that took place in the Martin home, because Amy would be a psychological trigger of recollection for said events).

John's official diagnoses are, ultimately, mild anxiety and acute coulrophobia (aka: fear of clowns). This much is clarified in the release form:

RELEASE FORM

SUBJECT: John Thomas Ward

DOR: 31 Oct 1986

This form certifies that the subject is hereby released from my care after having completed their required counseling and treatment to my satisfaction, with confidence that they are ready to resume their normal daily activities as a mentally stable member of society.

Dr. James Spinel, PhD

EXISTING CONDITION:

Mild anxiety

Acute coulrophobia

As an aside, can we just point out how John was only admitted for a month, give or take some days? Even if we take the events at face value (aka: demons are real; Hell is real; Lucifer is planning an invasion of Earth to reclaim what God has taken from him-), this feels… entirely too short to state that John is fully recovered.

At least from my interpretation of the intent behind "a mentally stable member of society", as the stigmatization of mental illness would place the burden of showing minimal, if any, signs of distress within day to day life… unless you were a hard-working husband who drank off most of his time at home while beating his wife, lest we forget the nuclear family values and toxic masculinity that still run rampant in American society. But I digress...

And immediately bring your attention to a bit of a continuity issue that, effectively, renders my last point moot: John's letter to Dr. McGlashan, who we can assume is a director of sorts within Yale Psychiatric.

This note is dated for December 30th, 1986:

Dear Dr. McGlashan,

It has been thirty days since the beginning of my treatment here at Yale Psychiatric Institute. Dr. Spinel, who has been so patient with me, has helped me understand my afflictions and has helped me fund a way to move forward and accept the truth.

With Dr. Spinel's help, I have come to accept what really happened in September at the Martin family residence. I accept that what happened was not the result of any supernatural phenomenon, but rather the desperate actions of a young girl driven to violence by her dogmatic parents and old church rituals that are thought to drive out evil.

I am happy to report that, since accepting the truth, my nightmares have ceased and I now enjoy peace of mind that I have not felt since the incident. Given my progress since first coming here, I respectfully request my release from Yale Psychiatric Institute, contingent upon follow-up appointments with Dr. Spinel in the future.

Sincerely,

John Ward

And raises several questions, such as:

If the failed exorcism took place in September, does this mean that John was within Yale Psychiatric from September to December?

Why was there a release form authorized in October 1986 by Dr. Spinel?

John states, "It has been thirty days since the beginning of my treatment […]". Does this mean that there was a second admission period between October and December?

If there was, when did that occur? Was he brought back in during the last weeks of October? In November?

My personal belief is that John was institutionalized twice. Once immediately following the failed exorcism, and once more after due to a relapse (hence the specification "[…] contingent upon follow-up appointments with Dr. Spinel in the future."). John, by this point, is aware of his mental health concerns and acknowledges that he needs more in regard to his treatment. Here, he's showing a clear capacity to establish and (hopefully) follow a community treatment regiment.

And this is where a bibically-accurate, canonical analysis, would end. A bit of insight into what happened, why it happened, and the ramifications (albeit brief). But here's the thing:

I believe there's more to John's case, since I believe in the blending of two prominent theories (everything is real versus everything is imagined). Personally, based on these notes and a few key dialogs within Chapter 3, I believe that John (in addition to the Anxiety) experiences Psychosis brought on by Paranoid Schizophrenia. In context of the game's plot, he experiences Persecutory and Grandiose Religious Delusions.

Let me explain.

There are several types of delusions, and the severity of these delusions can vary from individual to individual. More on the specifics (as well as recommended treatment modalities) can be found in this PDF.

Generally speaking, though, the types of delusions I mentioned are described as follows:

Grandiose: An individual experiences an exaggerated sense of importance, power, knowledge, or identity, that may have some type of theme.

Persecutory: An individual is fixated on the prospect of being attacked, harassed, persecuted, or conspired against.

Sounds familiar, yeah? Let's break it down:

Grandiose: Exhibited in all chapters. John is of the belief that he is a destined savior to Amy Martin. That he is the only one who can save her from the demon(s) plaguing her because he is the only one with the power and ability to do so. He, in the Super Miriam boss fight, also claims to have God's power directly within him. That he, in a way, is God (at least, in that moment).

Persecutory: Exhibited in all chapters, prominent in Chapter 3. In Chapter 1, there's "The Offering" Ending. John is (or perceives to be) stopped in the middle of the road home by Gary and his cult. Then, in Chapter 3, the entire arc around Gary's cult centers around the idea of John being persecuted (targeted by the cult for his attempts to save Amy).

But I feel like this expansion on John's psyche is supported within the canon itself, even if not explicit. Let's look more at the dialog cues from other characters.

One thing that slates me toward this conclusion is the brief mention of John's mother, Meredith. Amy's demon taunts John by asking him "What about Meredith? Did she get better?" and says how he couldn't save her. And based on the delivery of this line, it's clear that some sort of illness was what killed Meredith. Given that Schizophrenia in of itself typically doesn't cause death (though symptoms can contribute to other factors, such as poor physical health, risk-taking behaviors, higher risks of suicide), we have to look beyond the mental health aspect for a brief moment.

According to fairly recent research, there have been connections made between an individual's Schizophrenia diagnosis and their likelihood for developing Alzheimer's Disease. Kochunov et al. (2020) state:

"Schizophrenia (SZ) is a severe psychiatric illness associated with an elevated risk for developing Alzheimer’s disease (AD). Both SZ and AD have white matter abnormalities and cognitive deficits as core disease features. […] SZ and AD have diverse etiologies and clinical courses; our findings suggest that white matter deficits may represent a key intersecting point for these 2 otherwise distinct diseases. Identifying mechanisms underlying this white matter deficit pattern may yield preventative and treatment targets for cognitive deficits in both SZ and AD patients."

Now, as a personal note, I have seen and experienced what Alzheimer's can do to people and how long of a process it is. My maternal grandfather, tragically, passed due to the illness in 2020. I still cannot discuss the symptomatology and progression in full as a result of the grief, but I can direct attention to the Alzheimer's Association and their article on the stages of progression:

Returning to the psychoanalytical aspect, mental illness can be hereditary and passed down, in addition to being individually developed (through whatever means, which are often referred to as the biopsychosocial factors of development). Such is true with the case of Schizophrenia.

Additionally, there does seem to be evidence suggesting that John's perception of events is questionable. Of course, I must note here that every character in this story is an unreliable narrator. Every character has their motives in the information they share and how they share it. This is in no way, shape, or form, me saying that other characters are objectively right in their perceptions. Especially Gary.

Gary is a cult leader. Even if the cult is not as dramatized as they appear to be (e.g., they are not, in fact, kidnapping babies and sacrificing people)… he is still running a cult. He is still capable of being manipulative regardless. I can absolutely delve into the psychology and structure of cults, but this post is long enough as is.

So instead, let's look at what it is Gary says to contradict John's point of view. The primary dialog that I believe points us to a faulty perception is Gary's recollection of the Martin twins:

"Oh, John… deep down, you always knew the twins were an illusion. But you could not resist chasing after lost (hurt) souls. I suppose you wished they were real, just like the late Mrs. Martin. That is how I knew you would come to me."

The popular analysis among the fandom is that Mrs. Martin miscarried the twins, and experienced a rough patch of grief surrounding the event. Again, I have seen similar experiences in my personal life, so I can sympathize with and affirm how rough this process can be. This is why Mrs. Martin had put effort into the belief that they were still expected/born, with the room being set up for them and the crib being discarded in the Martin's basement (as well as the birthday party and clown aspect).

John knew this at the time of exorcising Amy, but his own mental break altered his perception of events and made him believe in the same narrative that Mrs. Martin presented: The twins were alive. The difference here is that John tied the twins into his perception of the game's events, and came to the conclusion that Gary (and his cult) kidnapped them for ritualistic reasons.

Likewise, a lot of Gary's dialog has key words switched out. A list of these words is as follows, with their substitutions in parentheses:

enter (abuse)

lost (hurt) souls

Vessel (Victim)

journey (despair)

Again, this could be a simple nod to Gary's capacity for manipulation as a cult leader. But that doesn't exclude it from also pointing out John's perception of the series' events. In fact, this could be John's psyche interjecting and affirming itself.

So, if John does have this diagnosis, what would a thorough treatment modality look like if they'd pinpointed it back then? If he was institutionalized a third time, after stopping the Profane Sabbath?

The answer to that is either Insulin Shock Therapy (IST)/Insulin Coma Therapy (ICT), or Chlorpromazine (a strong antipsychotic medication).

It's important to note here that IST/ICT fell out of favor in the 1960s, like most shock therapies (with the exception of electroconvulsive therapy). Jones (2000) details the history and modality of ICT, stating:

"Comas were induced on five or six mornings a week. Typically, the third dose of insulin was 10±15 units with a daily increase of 5±10 units until the patient showed severe hypoglycemia. Treatment continued until there was a satisfactory psychiatric response or until 50±60 comas had been induced. Experienced therapists let patients spend up to 15 minutes in 'deep coma' with hypotonia and absent corneal and pupillary reflexes. Clinicians noted gross variation between individuals in response to a given dose of insulin. Also, in the course of treatment a patient could show day-to-day variation in his reaction. Further there was an uncertain relationship between clinical signs and the blood glucose level. The hypoglycemia made patients extremely restless and liable to major convulsions. Comas were terminated by administration of glucose via a nasal tube or intravenously."

If any of this sounds vaguely familiar, it's because the treatment modality was highlighted in the story of John Nash, a fundamental American mathematician with Schizophrenia.

The 2001 film A Beautiful Mind showcases Nash's story, including the usage of ICT. Attached is a video clip from the film, which contains content that may be triggering/disturbing. Watching it is not vital to this analysis, as it's to illustrate the paragraph above:

Ultimately, the takeaway is this:

Mental illness plays a huge role in the game's overarching narrative, even if not considered a major plot element in of itself. The Satanic Panic was a moral panic used by fundamentalist Christians to excuse abuse within their churches, excuse the discrimination of BIPOC and queer folk, and dismiss rising concerns regarding mental health advocacy. This, alongside simply targeting youth subcultures to preserve the nuclear family imagery that arose during the previous generations.

John Ward is easily one of the most fascinating characters to exist, in my opinion, because of how his character is linked to this idea. John Ward is a beacon (for a lack of better term) for this message within the game. He exhibits mental health issues canonically (re: the official diagnoses) and can be analyzed as having a deeper, more expansive diagnosis.

Everything I have said is interpretation, and is not entirely canon in the bibically-accurate sense. This is just a topic that's been in my mind since the release of Chapter 2's demo. You can feel free to agree or disagree with literally anything I have said, and I love hearing others' interpretations as well! The theories scattered around the fandom, whether posted on the Fandom Wiki or hidden in the tags on Tumblr, are just… so good. So I wanted to help contribute in some way!

And for those that read this far... Thank you <3

[ritsushinbro]

My Critique of Rebuild of Evangelion's Characterization: I originally wrote this post on the Evageeks forum and decided to post it here. It discusses the relationship between Misato, WILLE and the pilots and whether it is realistic and in-character. Warning this post contains spoilers and is very long. Also has references to self-harm and suicide.

With each revelation that comes out regarding the measures WILLE take against Shinji and their own pilots, it becomes more and more unrealistic for me to the point where it's almost comical. Let's go through some of them here:

They wear the explosive DSS chokers 24/7 which will kill the pilots should they risk awakening an Eva.

They are kept in a single room rigged with explosives.

In Shinji's case, he is (intended to be) put in 24/7 solitary confinement with explosives fitted as well.

Shinji is escorted around the wunder whilst restrained on a stretcher. (NOTE: The only time he isn't, is when Sakura takes him to Ritsuko).

It is confirmed in another thread that Misato gave clear permission to the crew for them to shoot Shinji on sight if they suspect he is attempting to get into an Eva. 

Now let me attempt to deconstruct these measures one-by-one:

It is understandable that Asuka and Mari wear DSS chokers because after all they are pilots and there is a risk of awakening. However in Shinji's case, he is forbidden from piloting and so there is no risk of awakening (remember Ritsuko did not think NERV would come after him, so they had no reason to think he would escape). So why place the DSS choker on him? Well we have already established it is simply because they have a resentment against him; there is no special, pragmatic reason. Is this realistic? Well I would say no for reasons I will explain later but I can certainly understand why others may say it is.

I don't think I will understand why they would keep their two main "soldiers" if you will, in an explosively rigged room. I believe others have  stated that from a tactical point, it's an extremely dumb move on WILLE's part. After all, if Asuka and Mari didn't have plot armor, what's to stop Gendo from tricking WILLE into killing their own pilots with these explosives? How would WILLE stop Gendo then? Will they use Shinji? No, for reasons I will state later. And another thing, we know that their rooms were already fitted with explosives so why on Earth would they add extra after the events of Q (when they stopped 4th impact). What do they hope to achieve with more bombs? Make the pilots more "deader" than they already are? In my opinion, this doesn't even come across as paranoid but just plain childish. Is this measure realistic from a story standpoint? No not in my eyes.

We know they intended to put Shinji in a solitary cell as this is what they do in Shin. If it was solitary confinement on it's own, then I believe it would be a realistic measure that would happen in real life. However I believe the writers did not factor in the effects of solitary confinement (especially one that is rigged to explode) on fully grown men; never mind a 14 year old who's just come out of a 14 year coma. Many people think solitary confinement is a walk in the park so I made another post a while ago highlighting why that's not the case:

"I remember when before Shin came out people here theorized that if Shinji stayed on the Wunder, they would eventually softened to him and let him help in ways that wouldn't have involved piloting. However with these revelations it looks like they intended to keep him in an isolated room far from everyone else that is (presumably) rigged with explosives as well as keeping the choker on his neck. Not even allowed to freely leave his cell without WILLE's permission (it is unlikely they would let him out judging from these measures). 

Even though Asuka and Mari were treated like this as well, at least they had each other and were able to leave as they had responsibilities in piloting. But Shinji was forbidden from piloting and was to be kept by himself except maybe being checked up on by Sakura now and again. So judging from these leaks (we will have to wait to properly see the full context) WILLE intended to lock Shinji in solitary confinement.

I have copied and pasted some of the effects of Solitary Confinement from Wikipedia below:

“Psychiatric: Research indicates that the psychological effects of solitary confinement may encompass "anxiety, depression, anger, cognitive disturbances, perceptual distortions, obsessive thoughts, paranoia, and psychosis." The lack of human contact, and the sensory deprivation that often go with solitary confinement, can have a severe negative impact on a prisoner's mental state that may lead to certain mental illnesses such as depression, permanent or semi-permanent changes to brain physiology, an existential crisis, and death.

Self-harm: According to a March 2014 article in American Journal of Public Health, "Inmates in jails and prisons attempt to harm themselves in many ways, resulting in outcomes ranging from trivial to fatal." Self harm was seven times higher among the inmates where seven percent of the jail population was confined in isolation. Fifty-three percent of all acts of self harm took place in jail. "Self-harm" included, but was not limited to, cutting, banging heads, self-amputations of fingers or testicles. These inmates were in bare cells, and were prone to jumping off their beds head first into the floor or even biting through their veins in their wrists. A main issue within the prison system and solitary confinement is the high number of inmates who turn to self-harm. Many of the inmates look to self-harm as a way to "avoid the rigors of solitary confinement."

Physical: Solitary confinement has been reported to cause hypertension, headaches and migraines, profuse sweating, dizziness, and heart palpitations. Many inmates also experience extreme weight loss due to digestion complications and abdominal pain. Many of these symptoms are due to the intense anxiety and sensory deprivation. Inmates can also experience neck and back pain and muscle stiffness due to long periods of little to no physical activity. These symptoms often worsen with repeated visits to solitary confinement.

Social: The effects of isolation unfortunately do not stop once the inmate has been released. After release from segregated housing, psychological effects have the ability to sabotage a prisoner's potential to successfully return to the community and adjust back to ‘normal’ life. The inmates are often startled easily, and avoid crowds and public places. They seek out confined small spaces because the public areas overwhelm their sensory stimulation.”

And this is just for solitary confinement. There are so many other things going on with and happening (or could happen) to Shinji such as the things below:

Shinji being only 14 years old.

Shinji being abandoned and neglected by his father.

Shinji being coerced/emotionally blackmailed to pilot Unit 1.

Shinji seeing girls he cared for "die".

Shinji being in a coma for 14 years.

Shinji being told he has a bomb on his neck.

Being told it is because he is being punished.

Being told he cannot pilot the eva anymore (he is effectively "useless" now).

Have his former co-pilot and friend try and punch him after he thought she was dead.

[Potentially] being told he started NTI and devastated the world.

[Potentially] being told that the girl he tried to save is "gone" and that she was a clone of his mother.

Being imprisoned in a cell (presumably) surrounded by explosives and not being able to freely leave.

Be completely isolated from everyone except when being checked up by a girl who's father he got killed. (NOTE: Mari might want to see him so Shinji at least has her, maybe). 

Have his mother figure (the woman who made him pilot the eva the most) threaten to detonate the choker around his neck and blow his head off when he tries to leave.

With the above list, is it any wonder his head is so messed up? I understand the purpose of these films is all about growing up and taking responsibility but expecting Shinji to willingly allow himself to be subjected to the treatment WILLE had in store for him is pure, unadulterated masochism. Much of what was is written here can safely be considered cruel, inhumane and arguably, torture. 

There is a massive difference between taking responsibility for one's mistakes and just letting the whole world torture you because you did something bad. My main fear and problem with Q and Thrice is that their main theme, which is accepting responsibility, is equated with accepting unreasonably cruel treatment. And I just think that is an EXTREMELY unhealthy message to send to people especially if they are depressed or live in abusive relationships."

When you take all these into account, does it place into perspective how messed up Shinji would have been had he stayed on the wunder? This is assuming that they thought they would never have a need for him, but as we find out in Shin, they needed Shinji in the end to defeat Gendo. If Shinji never left with Mark 09 and Misato successfully kept him "protective" custody, then one of three things would have happened when WILLE actually needed him to save everyone:

A: He would not have been in the mental state to pilot Unit 1 and Gendo would have completely wrecked him due to shit synch ratios. 

B: He would have told Misato and co. to fuck off and die. We've seen this nihilism before from Shinji (after the 5th angel). His incarceration alongside the humiliation and guilt from wearing the choker will have ratcheted up by a million.

C: He wouldn't have piloted because he would have killed himself. There's only so much a 14 year old can take and when subjected to a fate that causes even hardened criminals to resort to self-harm, genital mutilation and suicide, then what chance does Shinji have? 

Now back to my original point, do I think this measure is realistic? I would like to say yes if it was the solitary on it's own, however when combined with the other things, then I think the chances of Shinji commiting suicide is extremely high to the point where it's not believable for him to continue as an anime protagonist. You have to make sure the protagonist goes through difficulty in order to experience growth and change, however if you make it too harsh (to the point of committing suicide) then it seems less believable that they live to continue the story. On a separate note, many people think that Shinji was immature for leaving with Mark 09 the first chance he got and that this is proof that he is, in Asuka's words, a "brat". But let's be realistic, if this story is about Shinji's growth and maturation, then how exactly would WILLE's treatment of him be conducive to that? The truth is WILLE's sheer hostility towards him would have completely stunted any emotional growth and maturation in Shinji and it would have destroyed the point of the film. Also no-one can argue that WILLE would have eventually "come round" or "softened-up" towards Shinji because even after 14 years they still don't trust their own pilots. So yeah, Shinji most likely would have been stuck in solitary with a bomb around his neck until he either killed himself or the war ended (but even this doesn't guarantee his freedom).

Regarding the stretcher business. I don't understand why you have to restrain Shinji on a stretcher when the kid has already surrendered himself and has come voluntarily. Maybe WILLE are just full of bondage fetishists; it would certainly explain the chokers as well. 

If the DSS chokers and the explosive rooms weren't enough, Misato actually gave orders to the crew to shoot Shinji if they thought he was trying to pilot again. At this point, I just think this is just overkill. I mean the kid has a bomb on his neck that prevents him from awakening an Eva, you intended to keep him locked up even though he can't really leave the wunder except with outside help and now you intend to shoot him if you think he'll get into an Eva. The problem with this, is that piloting an Eva requires all the bridge-bunnies to sortie the damn thing. Shinji cannot enter Unit 1 by himself, especially since the thing is being used as an engine so why do they assume that Shinji is capable of being Sam Fisher and sneaking into Unit 1? We see that Sakura and Midori are actually willing to shoot Shinji in 3.0+1.0 and do so when he merely suggests that he pilot Unit 1. But seriously what harm would Shinji have done in Unit 1 considering the fact that Gendo was already going to start another impact anyway? Why actively try and kill (or injure in Sakura's case) the only guy that can save your ass? One cannot argue that they were just being "desperate or panicking" because in Midori's case, she actually takes the time to confirm her orders from Misato. This shows that at least, she was still of lucid mind. This particular altercation just beggars belief in my mind and the fact that Misato actually gave those orders on top of all the other measures is absolutely extraordinary. So as you can imagine, I do not think this was realistically executed.

However, I can already hear some detractors say: "So what? Misato hesitated to detonate the DSS choker and also took a bullet for Shinji. She redeemed herself from putting the DSS choker on him and the kill-order for if they thought he would try and get into an Eva." 

And to those people I say….not really. There is an idiom attributed to Benjamin Franklin and it goes like this: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." How does this apply to Misato and Shinji's relationship? Well Misato wouldn't have had to hesitate to pull the trigger if she didn't put it on him in the first place. Misato wouldn't have had to take a bullet for Shinji, if she didn't give permission for the crew to shoot him in the first place. Let's take this following dialogue for example:

916-929:

Kitakami: "It's a good thing we got Major Shikinami back. But why'd we have to take that disease along with her?"

Aoba: "Just leave it alone. Better than Nerv still being able to use him."

Tama: "If he tries to get into an Evangelion, all hands have permission to shoot on sight. There's nothing to worry about this time."

Kitakami: "Come on, that's all for show. The last time he broke out of here, the Captain couldn't put him down. I've got zero trust about this time either."

Nagara: "He was a kid. I can understand why she'd hesitate."

Kitakami: "That 'kid' caused Near Third Impact and murdered my entire family!"

Hyuga: "Near Third was a consequence of what he did, not his goal. The Captain's doing her best to atone for that too."

Takao: "That's right. She's who Kaji entrusted with Wille, and it's our job to trust the captain."

We learn a few things from this dialogue. Firstly, the older WILLE members are much more understanding to Shinji and Misato's situation: Aoba and Hyuga understand that it's better to keep an eye on Shinji and that he never meant to start NTI, Takao is one who always trusts Misato's judgement and Sumire understands that Misato would have found it difficult to kill a child, especially one that Misato was close with. 

Secondly, it appears that the younger WILLE members (Midori, Sakura and Tama) are the ones that are fearful/hateful towards Shinji (NOTE: Tama is a strange case, he strikes me as the sort of kid that just follows what everyone else is feeling. He might not feel anything towards Shinji beyond what you'd expect). 

Finally it appears that most of WILLE crew members are actually reasonable people and are not the extremely desperate and paranoid individuals some people on the forum believe. Remember this is AFTER Shinji started the 4th impact in Q. The fact that some of the WILLE crew members speak of Shinji in this way, show they are capable of understanding. Most actually trust Misato and respect her judgement except for Midori, who questions Misato's capabilities in following through on her threats. 

Which brings me to my next point. Misato has had no hesitation in pulling rank in the past. In 2.0, she even has an altercation with Ritsuko, her best friend, right before they fight the 8th angel. Misato is a woman that will tell even her best friend to STFU, when it comes to doing what she wants. Having said that, (timeskip shenanigans aside) there's no reason why she couldn't have done the same with the younger WILLE crew members. She could have nipped all of it in the bud by telling Sakura, Midori and the rest of them that Shinji was groomed to cause NTI and it was not his fault.

Instead, despite being the captain that everyone loves and fears, she kowtowed to the crew's paranoia and had the pilots fitted with explosive chokers, put in explosively rigged solitary confinement and gave the order to kill Shinji if they feared the worst. This is the sort of thing that drives fully grown men to suicide, never mind 14 year olds that have just come out of a coma. Imagine if Shinji did commit suicide in his cell. Who would Misato and WILLE have turned to in order to defeat Gendo in the end? What if Gendo tricked WILLE into killing their own pilots with the explosives? They would be properly screwed then. If Misato actually cared, as we are led to believe from her hesitation to kill Shinji, then she would have told the rest of the WILLE crew to fuck off, instead of alienating and putting Shinji and the pilots in that much risk. Are we really expected to believe that Misato placed such extreme countermeasures on Shinji just to appease Midori and Sakura? Not likely. This is why I believe that Misato would not have put the DSS choker on Shinji in the first place, and her doing so in Q was extremely unrealistic and out of character, even with anything that happened during the timeskip.

Some of you will say: "Who cares about realism? It's a show about aliens and growing up." While this is true, Anno has proven that he is able to pull the themes off much better when you look at the NGE series. Disregarding the self-contained narrative, it is obvious that the purpose of Q was to bring Shinji to the same point he was at after episode 24 of the series. If we look at how NGE/EOE handled Shinji's depression, we see that it is quite realistic:

The neglect and coercion by the adults in his life, almost dying to angels multiple times, the sexual tension with Asuka, almost killing Touji, finding out Rei is a clone of his mother, Misato putting the moves on him and having to kill Kaworu all culminate towards Shinji's mental state during EOE. Shinji is passively suicidal but it's due to the *situation* and his own introverted tendencies instead of people actively trying to hurt and isolate him. He finds the will to live again due to his mothers words despite knowing just how difficult living might be. If you remove all the Evas and the Angels from the story, the themes that are touched upon (isolation, neglect, misunderstanding) still apply and the audience can still resonate with them. 

The rebuilds however go about it completely differently. They bring Shinji to that same suicidal state by having all the characters/plot actively harm Shinji's mental health by:

Putting him in a coma for 14 years so he is completely clueless. Imagine how groggy you are when you wake up in the morning and then multiply that by a million. 

Have Misato psychologically castrate Shinji by telling him he won't do anything with a look of disdain on her face.

Have Ritsuko make Shinji feel dread by telling him he has a bomb on his neck and it's because he is being "punished".

Not tell him why he is being punished when he asks Misato.

Have Asuka try to punch Shinji after he thought she was dead.

Tell Shinji the girl he saved is "gone”.

Have his "mother figure" threaten to blow his head off for wanting to leave with the girl you just told him is gone.

Have Asuka and Mari attack Shinji in Lilith's chamber even though Shinji was seemingly willing to listen to them had Asuka not kept attacking. (Watch that scene again and you'll see when Asuka learns what Shinji is trying to do, she stops attacking but instead of explaining that he's being manipulated, she just calls him a brat instead).

Even Mari was willing to potentially kill or cripple Shinji with the Anti-AT rounds. (We don't know what the AA rounds are truly capable of because the only time they are used on screen, they don't work. The round cartridges state that they are armor and AT field piercing and have explicit restrictions on their use. The fact that Mari requires Asuka's explicit authorization to use them imply that they are most likely lethal and would have killed/crippled Shinji had he been in a normal Eva). 

Have Shinji's friend's head explode with the device Shinji's "mother figure" actually meant for him. Imagine seeing someone's head explode and then remember that your "mother figure" actually meant that to be for you. That would certainly mess anyone up.

Have Asuka then kick and manhandle him when he is catatonic.

Have Asuka force feed him to the point where he pukes whilst he is still grieving the death of his friend. 

Have Shinji only be escorted whilst tied to a stretcher despite him coming voluntarily.

Have Misato place Shinji in 24/7 solitary confinement in a cell rigged with explosives.

Have Misato tell the WILLE crew to shoot Shinji on sight if they think he's getting into an EVA.

Have people tell Shinji that he's being a brat the entire time for reacting badly to all this.

By having Misato, Asuka, WILLE reject and "punish" Shinji so harshly so it kicks off his isolation and desperation, it makes Shinji's "recovery" seem less believable. Anno himself didn't even know how to make Shinji recover psychologically in 3.0+1.0 and he actually had to ask the voice actors on how to make that happen. The story made the WILLE crew go full scorched-earth and in doing so made Shinji's "growth" and his reconciliation with Misato seem impossible. 

I have already stated that I believe Q represents "Condemnation" and Shin represents "Compassion" and I think both films pull that off brilliantly. But that doesn't mean I think the characters acted in a realistic manner. I do not believe that Misato would have placed such harsh sanctions on Shinji in the first place for the reasons I have stated above. And if she did, I do not believe that Shinji would have easily forgiven Misato (even IF she took a bullet for him) as we see he does in the film. I do not believe that WILLE were merely "scared and desperate" because as the dialogue above shows, they are surprisingly understanding (but still disapproving) of Shinji's situation despite him literally starting another impact. I do not believe that Misato would have bent over to Sakura and Midori's resentment and taken measures against Shinji, just to ease their minds. 

In summary, my main problem with the post-timeskip rebuilds is that I feel they gaslight the audience in thinking that Shinji was just being a "brat" the entire time by having Asuka and Mari say: "You have grown a little/You smell like an adult now." However, the truth is Shinji's been through so much mental suffering perpetrated by the people he cares about, that it's a miracle he's not killed himself. It would certainly break most of us on this forum. The movies seek to show Shinji "finally" taking responsibility when the truth is, the plot went so above and beyond putting him down in such an extreme manner in the first place.

[oops-prow-did-it-again]

I’m back!

So, I kinda quit using this blog a while back. There are some notes about it in my old pinned post and probably on my fanfics, lol, but basically, I felt overwhelmed by fandom and everything going on irl and I crashed. I just withdrew from like, everything. I still logged in on Tumblr but I just liked things to later view them with the boyfriend or laugh at them again myself.

Honestly, it’s not that fun, just doing that, and not really that fair to people who put effort into their posts like art, music, writing, etc., or even just people who are very passionate about a subject and may want it to reach others that are the same. Because I know I’m like that!

But anyway, this is going to be my new pinned post. So! (More under the cut, please keep reading!)

About Me

You can call me Prowess, I’m a FtM transmasc (he/him please)! I use this space to elevate my personal works, such as art or writing, while also occasionally posting about topics I am passionate about. I realized I was trans in 2020 at the age of 19 years old, in the midst of a pandemic and college fallout, so as you can imagine, I’m still riding the rollercoaster of emotions that come with that. I’m also ADHD... so expect some posts about those sort of things.

But that is hardly the focus! I am big on art and writing. While I am mostly obsessed with Pokemon, I am a lover of stories, and so generally, I love most fiction, even the really bad stuff. Along with my Pokemon stuff, you can expect posts involving ARK: Survival Evolved, The Tales of Miraculous Ladybug & Cat Noir, animated movies (Luca, Toy Story, Spirit - you name it, I probably love it), and plenty of other stuff.

While I have too many older posts to go through and try to sort out the unclean tags, going forward, I am going to use these sort of tags: subject (whatever the post is about, for example, Pokemon), characters depicted, media (whether it’s art, writing, animation, or a mix), and any warnings that may need to go with it (for example, cussing when stronger language is involved, or racism if racism is getting discussed, etc). Memes or one-off posts will likely be tagged with simply “memes.” While this is pretty true for most any blog, this is so you know if you need to block certain tags! For example, if you hate Miraculous Ladybug, you’d just blacklist ‘Miraculous.’

I will also reblog a lot of posts asking for help or boosting awareness. I will try not to inundate the blog with these, but as I will likely have to make a post asking for help at some point myself due to unfortunate irl circumstances, I want to pay it forward in advance. These will be tagged with simply “help needed!”

Below are some projects I’m working on + what you can expect from this blog.

Pokemon Retold

By far, my biggest project to date, is Pokemon Retold.

This is an expansive written anthology of all the pokemon mainline games as far as generation 8. Red, Heart of Gold, Omega Ruby, Platinum, Black, Black 2, Y, Ultra Sun, and Sword are all intended to get rewritten and posted on both my FanFiction.Net and Archive of Our Own accounts. I may also post some chapters here, but I admit Tumblr makes that difficult sometimes.

These stories are very personal to me, as I started writing them when I was struggling in college with undiagnosed ADHD, and felt like my life was falling apart and I was alone. I started writing a retelling of Sword, but the more I wrote, the more disappointed in it I felt, so I started writing Black instead and scrapped Sword altogether.

I’ve had some rough road since, but Black is complete, Black 2 is also complete, and Ultra Sun is (mostly) complete (but with plans to be heavily altered), while Red is underway!

WARNING: These stories can get DARK, and I would rather my readers be over 18. They are not dark with the intent to squick out or upset people, however; they are dark with the intention of exploring thoughts and ideas I find too difficult to think about directly. There are more personalized warnings at the beginnings of each story. With that out of the way, please just try and move on if you find yourself disliking a specific story or part of a story of mine... If you want to give constructive criticism, you are more than welcome, but tearing into me and my writing just because you didn’t like something helps nobody. Keep in mind I write these for fun and as a form of self-therapy throughout some of the worst years of my life.

Furthermore, I edit them a lot. And I do mean a lot. My FFN profile acts as a “changelog” for what has changed in the stories over the course of the time they’ve been posted.

Pokemon Retold posts are tagged “Retold.”

My FFN Profile

My AO3 Profile

Pokemon Retold: Black has been added to TVTropes! I honestly don’t even care that this person digs into it a couple of times, I was so incredibly flattered they took the time to do that at all. (But be warned the page does have some spoilers!) I have no idea if you enjoyed the story or not upon reading over that page, kind stranger lol, but I really appreciate that you took the time to do that nonetheless! <3

Creatively Destructive

This incredibly well-titled story is an idea I have for a retelling of Miraculous Ladybug. I know, I know - absolutely never been done before /s

While I know there has got to be a thousand retellings of this show by now, based on just how.... terrible, the writing is, I want to try anyway. Because I genuinely love the premise of the show! I’m just constantly disappointed by how it seems to never go anywhere with its plot or characters.

So, Creatively Destructive will be a fanfic, and when I have more information on it, I’ll post it under the tag “creatively destructive.”

Roleplays

Me and my boyfriend love to RP a lot. From Monster Hunter to Pokemon, we do a lot of different stories. Sometimes, I really get inspired by what we come up together and I want to share it with others! Be it quick art based on a scene from the RP or a quick rundown of what occurred in an RP, you can catch these in the ‘Prow RP’ tags.

Currently, we are having a lot of fun with an RP based on the Hoenn pokemon games that I am sure I’ll be posting about!

I may also be open to RPs with others in the future :> Don’t be offended that I’m not open to them already... I’m just a very easily overstimulated person.

The Ballad of the ARK

ARK: Survival Evolved is a lot of things. It’s an amazing concept, an open-world game where you befriend dinos and fight alongside tribemates against other tribes, or work together to survive the hostile environment. But the true tragedy of this game goes so much deeper than that, and I want to explore that in writing, starting with my story, my experience, and then graduating to where I think the issue primarily stems from. 

This strange memoir will be posted under the tags of “Ballad of ARK.”

Commissions

I hope to take commissions for art and writing in the future!

However, I need to figure out the parameters of what I’m willing to draw (and what I can feasibly draw), as well as what I can promise when it comes to writing, not to mention pricing.

That’s not to say I’m not open to ideas though! Feel free to message me/send me asks anyway and we’ll see if we can work something out. :)

Although I am not in a financial disaster just yet, I feel like I am not far from one. This is why I hope to try to build on commissions in the future. I know they will never support me, but I would still like to try to be useful and helpful to some. I currently live with my grandmother, having left my abusive home with my father, and although she generously allows me to live with her for the low cost of merely helping with some electricity and my own food, I struggle to remain abovewater financially due to difficulty finding work (thanks to issues with ADHD and physical problems following a bout with COVID in early January 2021).

If you would like to help anyway, feel free to subscribe to my Patreon, or make a one-time payment via PayPal. I promise no matter what or how much it is, your generosity is greatly appreciated!! <3

My Patreon

My PayPal

My Ko-fi

(Note that my Patreon is... very outdated and needs to be updated. I will do that soon!)

[anchormain]

        so this is gonna be me talking about morse’s shooting from series 1. obviously that means spoilers for series 1 ( though if you follow me then these particular spoilers are fairly hard to avoid ) and also trigger warning for discussion of many things ( tw shooting, gunshot wounds, injury, blood ) but especially images of blood below the cut. 

screenshots from the ending of the episode.

        so ok look at him here. in the top right image, you can hardly see it but the tail of his shirt where he’s tucking it back in is all bloody. top left: bloody rags. he’s just had the bullet taken out. so. here’s morse DAYS after being shot, finally getting the bullet removed. to be fair to him, he did have other things on his mind ( his father was dying and he needed to travel to get there, and then his father did actually die and he had to deal with that ) but still. morse sweetheart. you’ve been actively bleeding for days.

        the doctor tells him he should’ve come to see him earlier because now he’ll probably have a limp. great thanks doc. morse just doesn’t say anything because FUCK if that isn’t just exactly what he needed to finish off this clusterfuck of an experience. as if the scar wouldn’t be enough, now he gets a limp to remind him of this. and he just... looks away. stares out of the window. and he looks so YOUNG in that bottom right picture. idk why. he just looks like the baby he is here. 

        also, we never see the exact location of the wound but it’s somewhere in his hip/leg, and.... the pelvis is possibly one of the more painful places to be shot ( because nerves and stuff. idk, i’m not an anatomy person, shhhh ) so combining that knowledge with the fact that morse quite literally has a phobia of blood AND the fact that being shot traumatises him ( we see his ptsd symptoms come up later ).... just think about how brave he needed to be to get up and go “i don’t have time” and get in a car and go to see his father. 

        his father, whose last words to him were “i never liked the police”. his father, who bought little 12 year old morse a GUN for his first gift since his mother died and forced him to shoot rabbits. his father, who left morse and his mother to go live with another woman. morse’s misguided loyalty shows up a lot throughout his timeline but i have to say this is probably one of the biggest times. it would be so extremely valid of him NOT to drop everything and go to his father’s bedside as it is, never mind after he’s just been SHOT. but he does. 

        also also, morse has a whole reckless thing, he runs off into danger and gets in trouble for it. his stabbing earlier this series was the result of him chasing a lunatic under the library without waiting for backup ( though tbf he did tell someone to call for backup ) but this time?? no. it wasn’t a result of him being reckless or going off on his own, he was calling a fucking ambulance. all he did was pick up the phone. 

        this whole thing, all the pain he goes through here, and it’s his overwhelming attempt to do good that makes it so bad. he’s trying to call an ambulance, and gets shot for it. he doesn’t get it taken care of in hospital because he’s travelling to see a man who’s caused him so much emotional pain over the years. he ends up with a limp because he puts off getting it looked at for days to support his stepsister and his ABUSIVE stepmother after his father dies. he’s trying so hard to be so kind to everyone but himself. he just... breaks my heart. 

[terramythos]

TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 15 of 26

Title: Tehanu (Earthsea Cycle #4) (1990)

Author: Ursula K. Le Guin

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, Fiction, Third-Person, Female Protagonist 

Rating: 8/10

Date Began: 6/24/2021

Date Finished: 6/30/2021

Decades after The Tombs of Atuan, Tenar decided to settle down and live an ordinary life on the shepherding Isle of Gont. Now a farmer’s widow, she adopts a disfigured and horrifically abused child, who she names Therru. When a giant dragon deposits a grief-stricken Ged at her doorstep, Tenar finds herself in a strange situation as she cares for her old friend and her adopted daughter. But threats from Therru’s past and a malevolent force on the island soon threaten Tenar’s small family. 

Despair speaks evenly, in a quiet voice.

Content warnings and spoilers below the cut.

Content warnings for the book: Violence and death. Mentioned murder. Severe child abuse. Descriptions of traumatic injury and disfigurement. Mentions of r*pe, including of children. Trauma, sexism, and ableism are explored in depth. 

Tehanu is a much different book than the trilogy that precedes it. Perhaps this is unsurprising, considering the 17-year gap between this book and The Farthest Shore. I’d describe the Earthsea series as “grounded fantasy”. While all of them take place in a magical world, the thesis of each book is universal; the fantasy always comes second. Tehanu takes this idea to an extreme. The story is about everyday life as a common woman in the Earthsea world, with fantasy barely factoring in. The pacing is intentionally slow and introspective, which is something I normally don’t like, but Le Guin is a consistent exception. 

Key characters from the previous books make an appearance. Obviously Tenar is the biggest return, absent since The Tombs of Atuan. The Tenar in this book is older and much more mature, having decided to live a simple life in spite of her adventures and accomplishments. Ged returns, but he’s a shell of his former self, as he mourns the loss of his magic and the man he used to be. Even King Lebannen (formerly Arren, the main character of The Farthest Shore) makes a brief appearance, and is quite a palate cleanser after the horrible men throughout the rest of the book.  

Probably my favorite aspect of the novel is the fact that these characters stand well on their own without magic to prop them up. Tenar explored the terrifying freedom she won in The Tombs of Atuan; got married, settled down, had kids — but still finds herself at a loss on what to do with her life after her husband dies. Ged is in a similar boat; he’s gone from an almost mythic character to an ordinary man, and like Tenar finds himself at a crossroads in life. Other characters embody this idea of transformation and uncertainty; Therru’s escaped her abusers and now has a loving mother, but what does the future hold for someone with her appearance? Stuff like that. 

The idea of metamorphosis and new beginnings is well-trodden. But what makes Tehanu interesting is Le Guin primarily examines this with the middle-aged characters. Tenar and Ged are legendary figures in the world of Earthsea, but life has taken them to an uncertain future. The thrust of the novel lies in finding a purpose and becoming someone new. I also like that Tenar/Ged is endgame; I got Vibes from The Tombs of Atuan, but neither character was in a position where it would work. Seeing them form a romantic relationship much later in life is touching and cute. But it’s not the reason that either of them grow as people; finding one’s purpose is something one has to do on their own. Their relationship only develops once both parties have done so.   

My main complaint about A Wizard of Earthsea, the first book, is the sexism inherent in the setting, which is never examined below the surface level. Perhaps Le Guin’s outlook changed, or perhaps the publishing environment did, because often Tehanu reads like a response to this criticism. The central theme of the book is misogyny, the patriarchy, and its debilitating effects on women. Le Guin examines everything from micro-aggressions (“common wisdom” that happens to paint women as inferior) to domestic issues (“women’s work” and how much that actually is) to outright sexual assault (both in threats and actual acts; it is heavily implied this is part of the abuse Therru endured). She even goes into how powerful women are only considered as such because a man gave them that power. 

While I appreciate the fact she addresses these issues in such a frank, blatant way, at times reading Tehanu felt like reading a basic feminism primer. These subjects are all things I’m familiar with, and I feel like anyone who’s studied key feminist ideas would be aware of them also. Maybe 1990 was different? Le Guin doesn’t add any insights to the bleak reality of patriarchy and sexism, which is a little disappointing compared to previous books. That being said, this book is aimed at young adults despite its dark subject matter. Tehanu could be the first exposure to these ideas that many children receive; looking at it that way, it makes sense that the analysis comes off as basic. 

I also found the book’s examination of gender to be very cishet-normative. That’s definitely not surprising, considering the book was published in 1990, but to a 2021 reader this hasn’t aged super well. There’s a lot of discussion about the relationships and differences between men and women--whether there are any or not, how magic differs between them, the ability to bear children, and so on. There’s a weird sexual component to this, like how wizards (who are exclusively men) have to remain celibate in order to… keep being wizards? But women who are witches don’t have to do that, and that’s an advantage women have? (There’s mentions of male witches too, iirc, but it’s not expanded upon— do they have to remain celibate? Who knows.). I found this whole bit pretty odd and unnecessary, although I realize a lot of my perspective on the matter comes from a modern view of sex and gender (and, y’know, being trans). Not all the gender takes in the book are bad, but they are limited. 

I found Le Guin’s exploration of trauma and ableism through Therru to be more interesting. There’s a lot of examination about how society treats Therru, a survivor of unspeakable abuse. Her trauma is visible due to severe burns along part of her body, leaving her with a missing eye and disfigured hand. Tenar spends much of the novel wondering what future Therru has; no matter how capable she is and how much she acts like any other little girl, strangers gawk at her, or assume she “deserved” what happened to her. Therru becomes happier and more independent over the course of the novel, but relapses into a traumatized state when she encounters one of her abusers. As a survivor, it’s heartbreaking and distressingly realistic. As much as I like Tenar, I almost wish the novel was from Therru’s perspective (other than the brief jump at the end), but I realize it would spoil the ending.  

I’m torn on the ending because, while I thought it was cool and had some interesting revelations, it’s a jarring tonal shift. As I mentioned, Tehanu is a slow novel with a heavy focus on everyday life, and the trials and tribulations both Tenar and Therru experience. There’s even a climactic event a few chapters before the end; the only thing left is a persistent loose thread from earlier in the novel. That subplot explodes to the forefront a bare chapter and a half before the end of the book, and a lot of action-y fantasy stuff happens. It doesn’t come out of nowhere; it’s set up throughout the novel, but it is sudden. 

That being said, I do like that the subplot with dragons vs humans is hinted at as early as The Tombs of Atuan. When Tenar tells the legend about the origin of dragons early in the story, my mind immediately went to that one room from the Labyrinth with the sad winged humanoids painted on its walls. I’m curious if there are hints elsewhere in the series. I also figured out Therru’s true name and how she relates to that subplot based on context clues. While it’s not a shocking twist, it is a satisfying one. Though parts of it gave me a “magical destiny” vibe which is counter to much of the series so far; I do wonder how the last two books will address this. (Also… did Le Guin imply Kalessin is Segoy? AKA God? What did she mean by this. So Ged literally like… hitched a ride from God, who promptly yeeted out of the story until the end? That’s kind of funny. Maybe I misinterpreted something.) 

I probably sound critical of this book, but I did genuinely enjoy it. It just didn’t speak to me the way the previous two did. The next book is a short story collection before the conclusion to the series, so we’ll see where it goes! Tehanu set some stuff up that I expect will be expanded upon in these volumes.