#okay that's it im checking myself out
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What did you unsend? Wrongggggg text. I just pocket-dialed.
GELBOYS (2025) | Episode 4
#gelboys#gelboys the series#pj mahidol#gelboysedit#tobelle#usersasa#rinblr#forfive#clairedgifs#userjamiec#userrain#usertaeminie#userrzey#userrlaura#userwilliam#tuseralexa#rosytracks#userspring#usergzh#mjtag#uservix#userpharawee#gelboysep4#pain? yes.#did i spent really 3 hours on this? yes.#am i knocking myself out after hitting post? yes.#will i be groveling over baabin's ginormous unrequited love for his friend and his inability to cross that line bc he has CONSIDERATION#also yes#okay that's it im checking myself out
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I AM A GROWN ADULT
#i shout at myself#while reading mean things teenagers say about my stories on the internet#i mean tbf they could not be teenagers idk#i know better#but when someone tells me people are talking shit i just cannot help myself#and then i read it and im like#ah yes#i am still#*delicate*#just checking#lol it's fine#they are right about the spelling errors#also the fact that i didn't know how to italicize on ao3#i REALLY need to fix that#okay well#that's enough humbling for one day#i do think it is wild tho that these are other creators in this space full out trashing people's work#like don't u know tho? can youu not sympathize?#ANYWAY IT"S FINE#soph rambles#choices
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#guys...is it too parasocial if i say im worry for dream?#like last time we saw him going back to 2020 humour was on december and...he clearly did bc he was on a bad place#and idk im worried if he's doing bad or not rn#and idk his anwser to that comment sounded to me like a bit off#like idk it reminds me to that time too much and now im worrying myself if he's okay#like no excusing anyone nor saying what he did it's excusable just genuine worry about his well being#yeah this is too parasocial but yk what rn idc we're all being parasocial rn with each other or dream#so idk but I hope his friends go check on him#this feels too random too so im wodering if something happened that freaked him out or what#idk kinda venting my worries that probably dont have a base rn but i want to be compresive than mean rn#negativity
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awawawawawawa
#bunny rambles#i was “cleared” to go back to work yesterday but she told me i could use the rest of the time also if i wanted/needed#and im using it. but the little corporateanxietybot who lives in my head and tries to make me be a Good Worker[tm] is SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF#cause she thinks my boss/Dad is gonna scream at and hit her for being Lazy#this is a trauma post also um. didnt expect to name her rn but she's screaming and i cant scream back cause she sounds like alarms and those#scare crustywhitedog so i have to calm that one so i don't meltdown#my wife submitted the RTW date for me so like. its okay im actually taking the time and ik this is necessary also bc. it is clearly unwell#that its freaking out because it's gotten a more than a 2 day break for the first time in a year#ik corporateanxietybot has protected me in some ways but. i gotta kill her so bad. maybe H can help me reformat her somehow .....#i also hate her is the thing. she cant hear me rn bc she's just looping in circles alarming but anyway. i hate her. like Me. she's so#capitalismcorebootlicker and i hate that about her and i hate that she exists and i hate that she exists bc my dad raised me to be an#Employee instead of a person 🙃🙃🙃🙃#im not elaborating or explaining any of this. this is a diary entry now#i wish i could click her to kill her like the drones in hardcoded lmao it'd be so much easier. ik she like. lives in the work mode mask as#well which is also HARD bc if im not actively thinking Of work or At work she's nonexistent#but shes so LOUD 🙃🙃 like shut up. we're not gonna explode n die from taking an extra week off you're being dramatic our boss isnt Dad#like he LITERALLY isn't Dad. not even close. he's like the most docile man in the world come on ik they're around the same age and both hve#held authority over u but boss checking in wasnt a trap ur not ab to get caught doing wrong ur fiiiiIIIIIIINE#(also corporateanxietybot is not an adult. she's 15 and terrified but she integrated to my work mask which is the problem cause she makes me#a “phenomenal employee” and also makes me work myself sick when she is given the reigns. little devil on my shoulder except the capitalist#system we live under treats her as a positive thing so she gets positive reinforcement at work which only makes her more anxious 😭 i gotta#talk to H about this next Friday huh. also wow. parts work has made it a lot easier for me to acknowledge these behaviors so i can confront#them easier. weird. strange even. so many parts have gotten names this past month n im realizing also why its been so hard to process stuff#but it also has made me kinder to myself. anyway she turned off (her batteries are low since she's been home for a month too) so im gonna#clean myself up and get some food in me and then get some cleaning done
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i need a job
#^ he looked at a bunch of lolita dresses#maybe j could have One expensive hobby. Once i get my apartment#i was thinking abt maybe spending my bday christmasnmoney.... my papaw gave me 100 for christmas and i got 20 for helping dogsit dozer#so i currently have 120 dollars In my life. technically its like 121.37 or some shit I dont check my bank acct bc it makes me want to vommy#but once the bday money clmes in i might be able to get somethjng nice But it would be more responsible to save it for my apartment But i#have moments of weakness frequently so if i try to save it i may end up Instead making a bunch of small stupid shitty purchases instead of#spending it on something i rly want. you know ...#idk it just doesnt feel right for me to spend my bday/christmas money on something so frivolous Dont yell at me i know it just feels like i#isnt rly my money to spend . sigh#oh its eating me for this. Disclaimer the real reason i need a job is so i can help my family and help pay mortgage and buy groceries and#also save up to move out so that im not being a burden on them anymore and this is a moment of me being irresponsible and wanting to spend#money on myself but thats only in a hypothetical scenario where im fully moved out and also have money leftover After helping my family .#and donating and doing good things . and Then is when id maybe buy myself a little treat every couple of months#okay .
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thinking of rereading the entirety of HoME again. for my health
#‘for my health’ says the woman who has been struggling so much she’s barely read a book in the last half year lmao#silmarillion#(eh close enough)#tolkien#personal#also because I got so viscerally appalled when someone the other day tried to claim that ‘the second age has a lot less written about it tha#n the first age’ like I beG YOUR PARDON LMAO WHOMST#clearly someone hasn’t read unfinished tales 🙂↔️ clearly someone hasn’t read the entirety of HoME 🙂↔️#and like obviously idc idc I’m not a completionist truther read as much or as little of a fandom as you want enjoy what you want etc.#but when I went ‘oh there’s actually a lot in unfinished tales and in the home! it’s rly fascinating and fun and some of my favorites have y#ou had a chance to check it out ever?’ this person rly had the audacity to say they’ve ’read some of the unfinished tales’ like hm. somethin#tells me I don’t believe you lmao#I have never once in my life heard someone call. unfinished tales. the book. titled unfinished tales. ‘the unfinished tales’ like lmao what#anyways. it’s okay to admit you haven’t read something babe I was actually gonna recommend a few parts of that book and HoME you might enjoy#but 💋 okay then 💋#also normally I’d give ppl the benefit of the doubt but this person is Like This TM a lot and always has to outdo others & im over it lmao#but also also anyways. I am not immune to the HoME rereleased editions with that gorgeous artwork they are calling me and I am weak to#resist their siren song 😭😂 they’re so beautiful but each set of like 3-4 books (some have 3 some have 4 and the last one also has an index)#are like. over $100 each lmao ripppp.#I do own a few of the HoME but I don’t own all of them and. aaaaaa I need a complete reread#13 yo me 🤝🏻 late 20s yo me : going ‘hmm life is crazy maybe I need to immerse myself in the obscurent most dense Tolkien lore I possibly can#and yknow what. we’re so right. we’re so right#the history of middle earth#unfinished tales#and that conversation. as weird and posturing as that person was being. did get me reminiscing about my HoME obsessed days and I was like aw#I should revisit that :)#sometime self care is rereading 12 volumes of obscure lore about a fictional world with no one to talk with it about#anyways home my beloved. unfinished tales my beloved. love those books#obviously OBVIOUSLY I love the silmarillion and LOTR and the hobbit and beren and luthien etc etc ad infinitum as well! ofc! I just. I love#all of them ♡ hehe ♡
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i just think you deserve eternal happiness actually. funny and actually nice. u are jesus. anyway No pls i AM AFRAID u are simply too cool and i cant deal
#“cant deal” im a millennial at heart x#ok no i love u though#asks#mewtuals#blah blah!#ok im talking here u asked for this basically im going insane theyre so fucking stupid like i know im the one who made them but they keep#NOT SPEAKING anf its so annoying like can you stop being teenage boys and start knowing how to fucking SPEAK#also i am NOT being a creep i dont focus on it its literally not mentioned but theyre in college okay.#well one of them is#no wait both of them are Sorry i tell a lie#anyway its pissing me off like dude can u grow UP and be COOl omg its makign me mad like i could literally just make them know but also im#obsessed with making it “realistic” (its literally rpf girl) and like i dont wanna go to the opposite end of the spectrunm and make them ha#all that therapy speak like omgmfgnfkjnhkj its making me mad.#and like ?? i wasnt coming out in 2007 omh wait no wrong time i cant do times I WASNT COMING OUT IN THE 2000S IS THE POINT#SO HOW AM I MEANT TO KNOW JOW THST WOULD GO OMFG#imgonna bite someone im so mad#like i just checked it's 25593 words.#TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED AND NINETY THREE WORDS. THAT IS RIDICULOUS#FUCKING NOTHING HAPPENS IM HONNA THROW UP#but also im obsessed w word count so im hesitant to dlete ...#no ok all scenes are important i think but uuugggggghhhh LIKE OMDGFNJGNFJNH#anyway im so mad like can u just stop being stupid dude im gonna beat myself up#no because like why did i start this. what relevance does this have to anything.#it is. to be fair to myself. i think the best thing ive ever written though#so#everything is FINE and i am a okay
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this feels too soon to say because its still not well over a month that i started uni but like...
im quite happy by how things are going now- it doesn't feel all too restrained unlike my past school years. and apart from that, i feel a lot more independent being able to travel miles away from my home which has been my biggest anxiety as i got older. just the fear of getting lost spooks me a whole lot! even if i'm travelling through a planned route, going all by myself is probably the bravest thing i did this year and i say this as an introvert who doesn't go out all too often
#ive always wanted to share this sudden core memory of mine when i was grade 12: i liked my english teacher a lot and she made us write an-#-essay about something that.. i want to overcome? i think? i forgot but i remember my passage very well#i basically summarized that i feel i haven't developed that well as an adult in terms of maturity and feel that im very left out in social-#-situations. as well as feeling like a serious adult. i basically said that i wish i was given more time to get myself together#then when i got my paper back: my teacher had checked it with a little message near it: and it said something like#“it's okay to experience this - time will wait for you and you still much time to learn and grow” something like that. not verbatim but#that's what i remembered so well. when i read that i felt so happy and understood#i am not that close to my teachers but seeing that this teacher cared to really read my passage and not just check for grammar mademe joyous#so remembering that - and now that im in uni - typing this all out as i wait for my bus that will take an hour worth of travel to go to#i feel really accomplished#irl banter#~ rambling#yeah :)#my point is. you're never too late to learn new things
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Having a B3 overdose be like
#for the record im okay now#but an hour ago i thought i was dying of an allergic reaction#i felt like a vampire stepping out into the sun and catching fire#my whole face chest upper back elbows arms had red patches like hives#no itching no swelling no dizziness could still breathe and blood pressure was good#but i felt like i dived into a pool of lava#i seriously thought “oh shit this is spontaneous human combustion im gonna end up in a ripleys believe it or not special.”#“guess ill die!”#still monitoring symptoms in case i gotta hit the er tonight but I'm feeling better#ive been taking b3 for a long time and never had a response like this maybe my body is thinking fuck this shit we're done#i checked off everything ive drank and eaten today and listed my meds im confident its this shit#still gonna go to the docs tomorrow for a follow up#but if i can dodge a 10000+ ER charge to the medical debt i already carry imma do that#im too impoverished for the weewoo mobile guys#murica for ya#anyway if you take b3 watch your six on this shit#(i know i gotta take it seriously but seeing the humor and making fun of myself helps me cope)#magenta is my vent word
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me when i realise that i've been thinking for, like, a good hour about how great i am and that i am actually the only one who's ever right about everything, which can only mean ✨️manic episode✨️
#im checking my lil list. yes. it all checks out#my question is: why#i wasnt feeling that great earlier#which yeah may have been a sign#well. i was just being a jerk to everyone (only in my head) by being full of myself and self righteous (again - in my head)#the only thing that's missing is craving alcohol. i'm not - i'm actually a bit queasy rn so the thought isn't even appealing#and i'm being surprisingly rational about all this#it can only mean that i will either pull an allnighter (past 1am and i'm still fully awake) or sleep n wake up fully berserk#okay i kept on checking the list and i've been thinking about dangerous sex (for me. never for others). that falls under careless behaviour#fuck.
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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i will reblog a post that says some crazy shit and feel fine snd then i go to write a post that just Mentions anything sexual and im like is this allowed or will i be shot like a dog and hated by all and everyone will think im weird and a weirdo and a freak and an evil pervert bc i said i like to take an edible and jack off. does a somber flip on my trampoline
#i dont have a trampoline. btw. its all smoke and fucking mirrors on this stupid blog .#i forgot to check neko atsume for ages oh my god .#recently redled it for the first time since 6th grade im trying not to let myself freak out abt it and just be chill bc it's supposed to be#a chill calm game but i forget to check it for 3+ hours and it makes me want to slam my head into the wall but im TRYING to have FUN . okay
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maaan how much of a fuck do you give when ur checking ppl’s IDs bc i cannot imagine being strict about it. like once there was a mom w her kids who were old enough to drink but my coworker didn’t serve her alc bc her ID was expired. which im not dunking on her for obv that’s what she’s supposed to do but if that were me i wouldn’t have even checked her ID and if did o surely wouldn’t have noticed it was expired
#for context this is just a restaurant#and also just to clarify i am not dunking at her at all if anything in dunking on myself i’ve gotten in troubke for not checking IDs#sooo many times so if anything i need to take a page out of her book asap#we just have to id ppl over forty not everyone but im sorry if ur clearly in ur 20s imma forget more often than not#one time i went to dinner w my mom and her friends and one of them went to the bathroom#but instead of sitting her alc down in the empty space the server gave it to me he did not give a fuck lmao#i liked him he was a bit sassy#okay but one of the bartenders said he barely IDs ppl either#we are flirting w termination <3
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#bro why is everyone growing up and away and trying to figure out their lives and careers and loves#and im just sitting here missing them?#like sure im trying to figure out mine too we're all that age so I don't resent them for it#but why don't they miss me? why don't they feel empty when they haven't talked to me in a long time?#like. didn't they feel very light and happy after talking to me like i did with them don't they have a bad day and think that oh ill#talk to me and it will all feel okay even if it isn't just for a minute?#oh ny god i feel so pathetic asking this but like why am i suddenly crying now???#like my bestf. she's so busy in her new internship in mumbai that she can't be bothered to text me back#a simple yes no question for days. like i understand you have cool new office and work and friends and your stupid fucking ex#that you couldn't stop crying about to me living in that city with you but what about me? what about us?? what about you saying#that you're my first bestfriend i haven't told this to anyone else this is forever everyone else judges me but you're the best#like i just feel like if you're going to leave me then don't fucking say shit like that to me??#okay oh my god this is so irrational but i literally can't stop crying and it's definitely pms like i checked#she's not even leaving she's just suddenly busy and adjusting it's only been like a month#but i hate this stupid fucking knife like fear that as soon as someone is a little busy or seems like they're pulling away a little my#brain is like okay they hate me they're going to leave me so pack your bags we're leaving first#like i know a better solution would be to just tell her that hey dude i fucking miss you and i saw this show and remember how you used to#love peter kavinsky because he was adorable and i want to sit and watch it with you and just why aren't we back in school#where we are basically forced to hang out for like 7 hours because im so sick of only seeing you like once in 2 months for a few hours#like i know it's not your fault and we're just growing up and in different directions but just please like five more minutes can you stay#i don't even have the confidence to say anything to her lol she's my only friend like if even she gets mad and leaves#but i know that's not how healthy relationships work. and ugh my sister is so fucking far away i can feel it everyday#in the 5 and a half hour time difference. i hate this i hate everyone everyone has to go so far away#i hate living in this empty fucking house and being responsible for my own emotions fuck this isse accha toh living with dad hi hai#atleast when im there there are only 2 emotions anxiety and boredom. now i have a whole house to myself to cry whenever I need#for however long i need in a locked room. really looking forward to adulting haha i can see just see myself succeeding so well🙄#man this is crazy im gonna go do jumping jacks or something so this comes and goes faster#umm#dni
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I'm a little hurt by some of my irl friends and have two courses of actions, but which will both have similar outcomes
Basically, I have three creative irl friends. Every time they share their writings with me (be it fics, poems, stories or creative non fic), I ALWAYS read it as soon as I'm able and give feedback + healthy amount of gushing.
But whenever I write something I am proud of and I share it with them, none of them acknowledge it. Its like they don't see the link you know. And its fine because I just say "I wrote a thing" and give a link. I'm explicitly asking for feedback or validation. I can't be upset because they're not mind readers
But sometimes I explicitly DO ask them "hey did you see what I wrote?" "Hey, what do you think of this?" And i get half assed responses at best. "Oh its good" "uh ill read it when I get home *never hears about it again*". And that's a little more frustrating.
Earlier today I needed to put together a portfolio, and asked my two best friends to please read through it, because it was important and I needed their input on (1) thing, and I needed it *before the end of the day*. It was three pages of easy reading. Its not like I was asking for concrit or editing or something time consuming.
One of them skimmed it and gave me feedback. The other one is adhd and forgot. Said she'd read it later when I reminded her. When I reminded her again, she said she forgot and had made plans, can she do it in the morning?
And normally I'd say that's fine! Because I don't expect immediacy from my friends online, esp for favours. But I had a deadline, and this was the third time this particular friend has done this. There's only so many times I want to poke someone to read my shit before I start feeling like I'm bragging/attention seeker/being entitled and demanding. So I just went and asked someone else.
I know I'm valid to feel hurt about this, and frustrated. I also know that my friends don't mean to make me feel like this, or forget. I know they want to support me. But I'm also tired of getting burned so I'm just going to fucking stop trying to share my writing with them because instead of validation I'm getting pain.
My two options are either a) telling my friends that actually their silence and forgetfulness hurt me or b) just lettint it go
Either way, I'm not reaching out again. B) seems like the option less likely to hurt my friends/make them feel bad, so I'm leaning to that. If the roles were reversed, I'd rather option A), because when people tell me these things I do genuinely try to do better in the future, and I know my friends would feel the same. But I've also lost faith in their ability to do so in this area. Idk what I should do
#vent post#eg the adhd friend mentioned how she felt lonely and abandoned when people were constantly cancelling plans with her#and never trying to make them#so I've been making an effort to MAKE time to go out whenever she invites me#even tho often I'm happy at home (introvert)#anyway this is coincidentally the reason I dont talk about my interests irl#unless it's something ik the other person is also interested in#because im fucking tired of talking to someone who looks like they couldnt care less about what I'm interested in#im just sad and so tired of feeling like I have little to contribute to conversation and the world besides#being kind and helping people and trying my best to listen to them and at the very least engage in THEIR interests when they go on tangents#i dont even know how to infodump about my interests anymore unless its linguistics#gah im feeling sad and unappreciated now god i need to fucking get over myself#i expect too much from people i think. i guess i need to spend more time practicing being my own cheerleader#im also tired of people not realizing im not okay#and not checking up on me#when I am clearly not acting like myself#when i feel like shit and I trust you i wont put effort into pretending into seeming cheerful and happy and okay#esp over text#i dont know. i dont know what I shoule expect. they're not mind readers#if even i cant get things right who am I to expect other people to notice shit
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Maybe I'm just cursed 🤪
#trigger warning for everything that follows in these tags btw#i am in need of some venting into the void#so im gonna vent#so uh#im almost out of time to find a new job before i have to leave my flat and move back with my parents#in the past 27 days ive filled in 189 job applications#6 of those led to interviews#so far 5 of those have been rejections#i even started looking at jobs that paid way less than i can feasibly live on just so i could at least cover rent and stay here but no luck#anyway thats already sucky#and then ive had to go off my adhd meds because of continuous and annoying fuck ups with my drs and im hesitant to work to fix it cause#might be moving counties anyway lol#my depression is the worst its ever been in about two years i struggle to want to exist day in and day out and#this morning i found out my dog - my baby who i dont live with because i moved cities - he lives with my parents#we found out he has an agressive cancer - and i have to now make choices i dont feel ready to make#and im just#do you ever feel like youre already one the ground but life wont stop kicking you#and i feel#so lonely#my friends are doing everything right my cousin who i live with is always checking in on me and i am still#convincing myself i am being a burden i am the problem i#my whole life is collapsing and i#even writing this all out in tags my brain is yelling at me for being an 'attention seeker' or smth and idk#i just wanna#idk#its complicated ig#im fighting#i am fighting so hard#i just want ppl to know im doing my best thats all#anyone who read all of this - hi - i hope youre having a beautiful day. its all going to be okay in the end 💛
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