#okay stop talking and go to bed.
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also I watched the great escape with my family today and my dad was like "oh apparently john leyton's in this. if that's relevant to you" and I was like "oh cool". as if I haven't already watched every film he's been in and listen to his songs for like 40 hours a day and would cry and possibly pass out if I ever met him
#this is such a weird era of my life#very much in my early 60s teenage fangirl stage of life despite being a 23 year old who has never stepped foot outside the 21st century#but anyway i guess i'm fangirling daily about an 87 year old retired singer/actor. because he has the same birthday as me#btw guys did you know john leyton has the same birthday as me#we're basically the same age#okay stop talking and go to bed.#ramble
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“hold on to your heart” // do me a favour live at forest hills stadium new york 08/09/23 ♡
#i miss the car era alex so badly 🥺#god help me i’ve been comfort watching 2023 shows to comfort myself today bc i’m stuck in bed with the worst period pain#but all it’s done is made me nearly cry over that video of alex with the little toy car and miss them all so much my heart aches 😭😭#i wish i had a time machine so i could go back and relive my show all over again#they’re just… absolute magic 💗💗💗#also#can we please talk about alex’s fluffy little lion mane of hair during the car tour??#i know it gets a lot of love but imo still not nearly as much as it deserves#i mean#just look at him?? 🥺#okay i need to stop now before i reduce myself to tears again#i’m too emotionally fragile for this today 😩#alex turner#arctic monkeys#the car era#alex gifs#my gifs#lulu posts
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love the idea of the Avengers adding new members but being stingy about rooms so the OG Avengers each get their own but Bucky and Loki are forced to share one under the guise of it being 'healthy interaction'
#Bucky and Loki being friends but in a weird way and now Thor is concerned like 'i don't recognise my brother anymore T-T'#and Steve is grimacing and sighing like 'my chemical romance isn't that bad Thor you just have to acquire the taste'#Bucky and Loki bunking in a room together and people just forgot to give them a second bed but it's ok because they both sleep on the floor#they wake each other up from nightmares and when it's done/conscious they look at each other in slight alarm and just give '👍❓❗' '👍👍❓'#aggressive thumbs up before returning to bed still communicating with thumbs up like 'all good??' 'all good??' 'all good!' 'go sleep?!?'#they both are convinced that oily hair is a way to keep it healthy and dandruff free and like they're not WRONG bc it works for them#but people also hate listening to them corroborate such experiences with each other#like you can't deny their hair is healthy and silky when they wash up and get dressed for something. BUT. STOP TALKING LIKE THAT.#they talk about how the bath they share is so comfortable for two people and it's driving people up a wall#Natasha opens the door and sees Bucky in the dark propped against a wall looking half dead with earphones in#(he is watching a nature documentary Loki recommended)#they bond over times they were being controlled and/or suicidal in Tony's lab and Tony who was working nods along absently long used to it#Tony: ah yeah I have PTSD but im managing it okay for now with meds#Bucky and Loki: *making faces* boo 👎
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What if people started saying "I need to exercise more" or "I need to eat a bit healthier" instead of "I need to lose weight"
You can be healthy and fat
#and also#you dont need to be healthy all the time#some people will never be healthy#stop trying to be overly healthy if its at the cost of your happiness and mental health#you can eat junk food every once in a while and you dont need to feel bad about it#you can eat sweets#you can lie in bed all day if you need to just chill out and get some proper rest#you dont need to constantly be healthy and at the top of your game#stiff talk#delete later#maybe idk#this will probably stay up who knows#man it just hurts me when someone whos healthy and who looks good says “i need to lose weight”#like yea okay if thats what you wanna do go for it#but i think youre fine as you are#idk man im just rambling
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do girl jeri and boy jerry exist explicitly to torment me
#boy jerry#girl jeri#abstinence camp#just reread my favorite jeri/ry fic im not okay#what the fuck is wrong with them why are they like that. never change 👍#i need to stop provoking jeri/ry thoughts after i'm supposed to be alseep how am i meant to go to bed#when there are fictional characters who are doomed to be apart no matter how much they want to be together. no matter#how inseperable they are#no matter how much they love each other unconditionally. even after they each broke their number one rule#no matter how much theyve forgiven each other (but not really. theres some deep seeded part of them that cant be forgiven)#no matter how close they are to each other. they can only be friends. very close friends#hi have you ever thought about 'the little death' in reference to 'til death do us part'? because i do. i do.#definite's ted talks
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Hi yes I do know this is my third post about the new BVZ episode in a night but I'm not done talking about this so shut up. This is my show, I'll talk about shit as much as I want to :D
Do the Doctor (fuck that spelling, I'm not even trying) and Hipswitch know about Faith, Devlin, and Kerano? I know Albus keeps his cards close to his chest, especially when it comes to his past, but has he told them about his family? Or were they all just confused when Albus suddenly got ticked off when Sensei brought up Kerano and Faith?
Were they just thinking "Dude, who the hell is he talking about? And why are you so mad about it?" or did they just chalk it up to Albus being Albus and having an axe to grind for no reason.
Like
"Don't want Kerano to pick up your bad habits."
"What the fuck did you just say?"
"Bro...chill."
"We can't always be there for those who have been...faithful to us."
"You keep her name out of your fucking mouth."
"BRO. CHILL."
"...you know."
"I do. If I kill you, I'll go after her next."
"WHAT DOES HE KNOW. WHO IS HER. WHAT IS HAPPENING."
Honestly, I kinda hope they don't cause the confusion would be a lot funnier
#okay im done#i swear ill stop talking about this now#pinky promise#im going to bed now#asmr roleplay#good boy audios#gba bastard warrior#gba bastards vs zombies#gba albus
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Thinking about a lot of things but mainly of how Terry Pratchett writes tiredness.
(Which means I’m mainly thinking of Sam Vimes. Which is normal.)
But he gets it so right.
The feeling behind your eyeballs. Stealing time from your future self with coffee, and, when the coffee doesn’t work anymore, going on sheer bloody mindedness because you cannot stop, you can’t. Not being sure when you last had real sleep. The strange state of mind you land in where you should absolutely not be tested because everything’s on a hair trigger, and things feel like they’re moving through treacle and your ability to make decisions feels shot to hell so you can only hope that you’re making the right choices.
Not Terry Pratchett’s words, if course, but I can’t get to my bookshelf at the moment, and, if I could, I’m not sure that I can read anymore.
I’m tired, is what I’m getting at.
And Terry Pratchett writes the whole spectrum of being human so brilliantly, but, damn, how he nails down being tired.
#gnu terry pratchett#sam vimes#Normally I would be hard put to name a favorite anything#but Sam Vimes is my favorite#I ought to get off the computer now#but I had to send an email#one of my co-workers has been leaving me post-it notes about how sleeping is needed and work is optional#and I apparently look as bad as I feel because my boss repeatedly asked if I'm okay and do I need to talk about anything#I need to stop#I had more thoughts#on how much the world has changed while I'm still in it; how I feel fundamentally unsuited here west of the sunset#how exhausting it is to be advertised to every waking minute; how I feel like a dinosaur about technology#(smart devices in particular - I'll be damned if I schedule my next platelet donation via Alexa)#but those are for another time#I'm going to bed#and getting up again a few hours#holy fudgecakes#also thoughts on how worrying internet purity culture is; how it feels like lip service to ideals#with no examination (self or otherwise) and no actual action taken towards change#but again that's for later
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Not really a vent BUT if yall are ever like Andy shut the fuck up I will not take it as an insult l am a chronic yapper. I will say aye aye captain 🫡
#( i mean i dont think yall would bc youre very sweet#( but idk. i feel like i talk a lot sometimes especially ooc#( and we are here to write#( i mean being ic all the time doesnt have to happen#( idk. ive been at work at all. maybe i need to go to bed (i wont)#( delete later )#( does this even make sense#( okay ill stop yapping (hes doing it again!) and get to writing ♡
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no wait i should go to bed actually
#camera talks#i was gonna do smth for like. an hour or 2#(probably video game or writing)#but its very cold and i want sleep so bad#i need to stop going to bed so late#okay goodbyee <33
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me: oh wow an ffxiv theory/meta post! i love these even when i don't agree with them. i wonder if this person will highlight an underdiscussed aspect of the setting, or reframe someone's characterization interestingly
the post: "in the original japanese--"
me: unsubscribed. blocked. reported. hie thee hence and never darken my door again.
#ffxiv#it's written in tokyo! we are talking about people who if they had a translation question could *walk down the hall and ask the writer*#it's not the english version's fault that you're a coward who's afraid of subtext and subtler characterization#even if it was intended as direct translation 99% of you lack the japanese fluency to appreciate any degree of nuance#and you frankly clearly can't appreciate nuance in english to begin with! so how could you know if it's conveyed correctly.#my favorite example is haurchefant. a lot of people complain about him being 'toned down' in english#which 1) he is. it's culturally necessary. if EN haurchefant talked about your sweat and offered you a 'warm bed' he'd be loathed#he'd come off as sexually aggressive towards women and as bad mlm rep. fans would DESPISE him.#different audiences have different values. he has to be written slightly differently to land in the same way he does in the original.#2) no he's really not. like sure the text of his lines gets toned down. but he's still absurdly into you. he's still a weirdo thrillseeker#there's still SHIRTLESS MEN WORKING OUT IN HIS OFFICE LOL#a lot of people complain that the english version is too aggressive or people are too mean and it's like...these are different contexts#like there's sooo many alisaie lines where people are like 'she's more of a cute tsundere in jp she's mean in english' and like.#alisaie is 100% an american tsundere in english. the localization team just knows how tsundere archetypes come off in english#which is to say straightforward tsundere shit tends to scan in english as either incredibly childish or cumbrained nonsense#and they have in turn written her with just a slightly lighter hand and more culturally intelligibly in english#she's a teenage girl who covers her sensitivity and inability to stop caring by putting on an abrasive front. that's a tsundere#alisaie is sort of an insane feat of localization. new levels of technology previously unheard of#'alisaie is like my badass wlw little sister' okay...yes. let's go with that. please ignore the ass shots in the trailers.
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Horrible first day.
#everyone is pissing me off#my mum not knowing I get out of school late. Like how it's supposed to be?#saying how we can't go out for groceries today anymore..#and I keep on fucking saying I hate the peel of cucumbers because they taste acidic and refuses to be chewed#and there's cucumbers on my dish#and my lil sister not fucking cleaning up after herself#getting told 5 times to get her shit off the fucking ground#trying to run away from her chores and get scolded?#not even cleaning her own desk properly#everyone gathering in my room when I'm busy doing homework#going to my room to eat so I can be alone then my family all fucking goes in and causes a ruckus and laying on my bed when they have one#getting left behind at school#being someone's cheat for homework#people asking for my stuff when they should've brought that shit to school themselves?#having no friends around me at all#all my friends are two aisles away. Together#and apparently my gf is friends with the friend she swore she hated and wants not to be friends?#being the only fucking loner#they all have someone they know right next to them or in front of them#and i'm stuck with a bunch of popular kids and a kid behind me won't fucking stop talking so that's fucking great#not being able to eat at school without feeling like a fucking alien or being embarrassed because everyone js doesn't eat#I brought a sandwich and ate because I was hungry#normal human things y'know?#and some kids making fun of how a take bites of it??#this kid in school okay#I met her first#I introduced her to another friend#now they sit together.#and they're closer than I'm closer with her#and the friend I met first?
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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Books of 2024: KILLING FLOOR by Lee Child.
This isn't a genre I typically read; HOWEVER!: my dream agent was on an episode of the Writing Excuses podcast about beginnings, and they said this one is Very Good, so I borrowed my dad's paperback copy to give it a whirl.
I'm low-key hoping this will help me sort out some Genre Issues™ I suspect I'm having with a writing project, too, which is a nice added bonus! Excited to see how this goes.
#books#books of 2024#killing floor#lee child#jack reacher#i think i used to read more stuff Like This in high school??#because it's my dad's big genre and he'd let me borrow books lmao#but i think i drifted away from it because i found out there was other weirder shit going on in different genre corners#and i love weird funny fucked up shit#no shade on the thriller genre it's just not something i've read much of lately!#this will be Good For Me haha#and yeah okay dongwon and MRK talking about it made me more likely to pick it up than my dad at this stage of my life#but he still had a copy so now i have a copy (borrowed) :)#don't get me started on the 'does this mean we can reopen book borrowing' convo he wants to have tho#like no sir you wrecked my paperback LOCKE LAMORA and i'm still salty about it#because you didn't care about it#and you think storing books in our dank-ass basement is taking care of them and it's NOT#we have different standards of care and you don't meet mine#and you eat in bed all the time and i don't want your greasy ass hands on my books >:(#so i don't FEEL like it's hypocrisy not to want to share#but did i look at HPB and B&N for copies of this because of that?? yes yes i did.#i did not find a used copy i was willing to pay $4 for#and i sure as hell wasn't gonna pay $10 for it new so.....#borrowed here#library was my next stop but. he found it.#ANYWAY#i'm gonna log off and go read past the first page i think#(oh sidenote the Genre Issues are:#aw#lucius
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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....
#my art#gore#organs#its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all#like. its the Expectations#the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling#theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel#and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work#because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much#THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING#like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR#realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes#at the end of the day I am the you in that song#it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time#at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way#but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes#like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like#sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want#but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense#its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past#I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me#which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know#I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle#it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it#anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms#im going to bed
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I wanted to make a cleaner summary of last week's classes and also review the classes I have this week since the material is already uploaded beforehand but I was feeling so horrible throughout the day that when I sat down I was just gonna look at the ones for tomorrow but I think I'm just gonna go to bed because I just gave my little numbers game a few tries and not even the joy of tribial elementary school-level math games is bringing my brain cells and/or full sentience back
#diary#accessing it through the CMD thing and not just running it from the IDE made me realize a few things about it though so I'll hav#I'll have to maybe jot them down somewhere when I'd normally just be rly excited and try to fix them straight away like I am truly fucked r#I do wanna make an eng version of it sometime soon so I can share it even tho it's literally the simplest little thing. it's fun if you're#an easily amused nerd that loves playing with numbers in a truly useless manner. if that makes sense#also very obviously text-only I am NOT torturing myself with any graphics of ANY kind rn#it closes immediatly as they do and also when it comes to having double/triple digit starting numbers it becomes a lot less fun I think tho#though I haven't used it much with those yet#I still wanna figure out a way of making it better when it comes to 2/3 digit starters. and my original idea included maybe keeping track#keeping track of how many steps you took even between different rounds but I made the simplest version for now. I also think making like a#''this was the least amount of steps possible!'' type thing would be very very cool but that is FAR too big brained for me rn#cause I can figure out how to do the record keeping thing but that last one is like. let's stop talking for a little while.................#oh but adding an actual interface sounds so fun even though I have very little clue on how to do that rn I could probably STOP typing becau#because I can feel my stupid ass self start getting excited about this which will make it so I start working on it instead of going to bed#NO. DOWN !!!!!!!!!!!!!! auhgh............ oh man I had a lame joke to make but I completely forgot what it was#I have coding class tomorrow in which I normally just do the exercises as fast as possible before playing around but the only Python editor#I could find installed on the school computers was Visual Studio Code and I have no clue how to use that shit like I don't need so many#so many buttons. probz. OKAY GOODNIGHT
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one of the guys that runs a reaction channel i've been watching for ages just announced that they're ending the channel next year bc he got a job offer and he's getting married and he's thinking about his family and his future and like...
my son in christ you are 21
i literally want to fucking die
#dont get me wrong! good for him! i'm happy for him#but he really said he started the channel when he was younger (turns out that was 18) and it felt like time to move on#i am 31 and only got the job i love a year and a half ago#i have been dating and living with the same person for... 10 years in 11 days and all i've ever wanted is to get married#(and be a mom but i dont think im ever getting that one but im gonna go ahead and focus on that one zero percent or i'll cry)#i say. like all of this doesnt make me want to cry lmao#i am so incredibly blessed to have what i have. like truly i ended up with the perfect sort of life for my awkward mentally ill ass#but i cannot NOT spiral just a little when people younger than me have the things i want so so bad and then also talk as if their young age#is older than it is. i know you feel mature and older but you are still so fucking young. and okay honestly - now that im rambling - thats#just part of it huh?? i mean a lot of the spiral is actually Wow. I really lost so much of my life (so much time. so many opportunities) to#mental illness and other shit i couldn't control and there are people who didn't fucking have that. there are people who didn't have to#deal with any of that!!! honestly!!! and you just.. dont do anything to prepare for the future when you do not expect there to be one for#so long and then you can't stop fucking everything up and then oh look! you're in your 30s and-#god i cannot fucking do this#it is 1:35 in the morning and im tired but now i feel really stubborn about going to bed. i should. i want to. but also i dont.#actually going to bed is where The Horrors are so#this really was the dumbest fucking shit i think im gonna go to bed & play p.m on my phone and try to be a little less pathetic#maison speaks
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