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jodilin65 · 11 years ago

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TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2013 And so goes what will probably be my final entry for 2013. Gotta do my 2013 in Review thingy for My Bio that I update yearly while I still do my daily updates as well. I’m only updating Histofme once a month.

Bob knocked on the door around 11am yesterday and said he thought we might have a leak. My mind first went into semi-panic/full-blown confusion mode. We don’t have an evaporative cooler, not that we’d need it in December, so what “leak” could we possibly have?

Our street is on a hill and Bob and Virginia’s lot/house is about 4’ lower than ours. I peered over the retaining wall and could see water alongside their garage and driveway. At first I didn’t know what to do but knew I didn’t want to turn the water off to the entire house. Then it hit me that my lovable but sometimes absent-minded hubby left the water on when watering. Bob tried turning a valve at the corner of the house by the master suite and that stopped the water oozing from the little black hoses that feed water to the plants and trees along the side there. Again, I felt that urge to rip out every goddamn thing we got growing here and replace it with white gravel (red is boring). Just simple, plain white gravel.

Anyway, I apologized profusely to Bob, but he waved it off saying it was no big deal. I’m so glad he noticed this and told me about it. I chewed Tom out when he got home for leaving the water on. I’ve offered to take over the landscaping, but he insists he’s fine with doing it himself. He probably feels more comfortable since he can reach things easier and that way he doesn’t have to worry I’ll hurt myself using any of the tools either. Besides, he knows how much I hate bugs.

I still think he should let everything die off. It used to rain at least once a week here between October – April, but now it’s once a month. They’d get killed off pretty fast. Then little by little we can dig them up and throw them in the Green Waste bin they pick up every other week. The gravel would be a big expense, but worth it in the end.

Looking forward to Andy possibly visiting in 2015 when he goes to visit family not too far south of me. Neither of us is giving up our bed to him, though. He will be thrown on what we hope will be our own brand-new couch unless he wants to stay in a hotel. Even if we keep the S’s couch, it’s not comfy for sitting but is actually quite comfy when you lay on it. We could probably run out and get him an air mattress if he really wanted, but he should only be here for a night or two anyway.

He asked if I’d accompany him to a concert while he’s here, but as I reminded him, I don’t care for concerts. I prefer videos that I can pause and control at will. There are other things we can do when we’re not hanging out at my place – shopping, dining, etc. No matter what we do it’d be great to see him! Definitely easier for him to come here than for us to go there. No guarantees, as I told him, that we’ll ever make it to New England.

Got a message from Paula saying nothing was wrong, she just wanted to say hi and asked that I call her. I called but got her machine. Then I got a letter from her saying she was sick again but would beat it.

Uh-oh. Not the ovarian cancer thing I hope. She didn’t go into detail, but I’m assuming she did get or will get a hysterectomy.

Thanks to my rare and often debilitating sleep disorder I am rather overwhelmed knowing I’ve got a trip to Hawaii, a dentist appointment, and eye appointment, and a primary care appointment coming up all in the next 6 weeks. I was tempted to cancel the primary since my ear is ok if we oil the canal regularly, but then Tom reminded me that it would still be nice to have blood work tested, make sure my thyroid is ok, and get my ingrown toenail looked at. I definitely do want that toe checked out. It can be annoying as hell.

Also, while I’m content to remain big all my life like most older people, I do still wonder at times why my body won’t respond to a sensible diet. It’s the same thing every time; I lose a few pounds at first and think this is finally it, I’ll lose 20-30 pounds, but then I keep dieting while my body stops losing and fights like hell to hang onto its weight. And so I eventually gave up and just accepted that this is obviously how I was meant to be. I’d like an expert to tell me if my thyroid is off or if this is just naturally how I’ve come to be. If it’s my thyroid, then if I change my mind later on and decide to lose weight, I should be able to do so with proper medication. If it’s just me, then I can continue to do what I’ve been doing – exercising to keep from gaining any more weight.

Even Paula, who’s just 18 months younger than me, has changed dramatically since I last saw her. People age, people get fat… I know that. But it’s still hard to believe that the 120-pound girl I last saw in 1991 is now 205 pounds! Well, she was but has dropped to 173 since becoming ill. I just hope whatever she’s got isn’t serious. She’s like me in that she doesn’t want many friends and likes to hang by herself. In fact, she’s more of a hermit than I am, so I don’t feel bad for her because she’s lying in a bed that she herself chose to make. But this may make emergencies harder to deal with. If I passed out from whatever, sooner or later Tom would come home (if he was at work) and discover me. But Paula lives alone.

I hate it when Michelle whines about how rough blacks supposedly still have it. It is just such utter bullshit and I know it!

And what’s up with Alison? She made 10-page views the day before yesterday, 1 yesterday, but hasn’t responded to my email or tweets. Unless that wasn’t her, is she mad at me? Or is she playing games? Well, she keeps changing accounts so I have no way to tell if she’s been scrabbling with Kim every day or not, but it is weird that she would peek in on me but not contact me. Hope she wasn’t copying entries for the skitzo, but like I said, if she could feed me information about her and Molly, why not about me, too? And why should I believe her when she says she hasn’t and won’t tell them anything?

No views from Molly in a few days. She should now be back at Marbridge so we’ll see how well they monitor their charges.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2013 Sent the last several months of journals to Maliheh. I suppose it was worthless, but we’ll see. I don’t understand why she hasn’t either verbally told me she doesn’t want anything to do with me or why she hasn’t blocked me and marked me as spam. If she doesn’t want to be friends, then why not say so, and why read my messages? It’s like she doesn’t want to be friends, but still wants to know what’s up with me, WTF? She’s a hard one to figure. Bad news and hard to figure. I don’t know why I bothered to send anything. Guess I had a moment’s boredom.

It wasn’t till after I posted my last entry that I remembered the dreams. In one dream Tom and I jumped into a small truck that sort of looked like a rental truck for moving, and he sped off down a grassy road that opened up into a field. I told him to slow down.

Then he pressed some button and we were suddenly outside of the truck watching it speed off. He turned to me and said, “I love you, Jodi.”

“I love you too,” I said, “but why’d you do that? It’s going to crash.”

But instead of crashing into the stand of trees alongside the clearing, the truck stopped, then slowly backed up and stopped right by us. We got back into the truck and I said, “Don’t ever do that again!”

New Year’s Eve is a time when the “psychic window,” for lack of better words, often opens for people like me to catch a glimpse of what may lie ahead in the upcoming year. I commented to Tom that I’d probably be asleep this year during that time, and he said maybe the “dream people” will give me hints. LOL, I kind of hope they don’t, for they are often the bearer of bad news. They’re already hinting at a very serious war. One that shouldn’t affect us, but that could kill more people than usual or that has been killed in a long time, if ever, by any event on earth, natural or not. If this is true I bet I can guess who will spearhead the deadly battle.

Later…

Got our luggage for $72. It’s a purple and gray 3-piece set that will hopefully stand out at the baggage claim area since most people’s luggage seems to be black, blue or gray. As I told Nane, too bad we couldn’t just borrow hers rather than buy luggage, schnäppchen or not, that we’ll probably only use once. Still, I expected to pay at least $150.

It’s been about a week now since I started doing the Facercise thing. I’ve been doing an exercise to plump the lips, tighten the neck, and lift droopy eyelids. Not sure I see a difference yet. The neck is hard to tell cuz I can’t see my profile and am too lazy to take a pic. It definitely feels tighter in that area when I put my hand under my chin. My eyes may appear more open, but I see no change in the lips.

I usually spread my housework over the course of 4 days – Monday through Thursday. I do bedrooms on Monday, bathrooms and laundry room on Tuesday, kitchen and dining on Wednesday, and our insanely massive living room on Thursday. However, I’m going to do two days of work in one today and tomorrow so that I too, can be free of work on Wednesday just like Tom will be.

The rats have been played with, hugged and let out for fun and exercise, so now it’s time to shower and get my own exercise. Since the treadmill is boring compared to outdoor running, I do it in spurts. I’ll run/walk to a chapter of the book I’m reading on the Kindle, jump off, then do it again in about an hour. So I make about 4-6 runs.

Been craving homemade mashed potatoes, so I’ll get peeling soon enough, and then start some of the housework.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2013 Wondering if we’re going to be seeing next door out walking a dog soon enough, which would be just my shit luck. They’re not as close as the welfare bums were in Phoenix, but they’re close enough. Like somewhere between 15-20 feet away.

What I heard didn’t sound like it came from a puppy, the only thing that suggests maybe it wasn’t next door, cuz wouldn’t they want to start with a puppy if they were going to get a dog?

I was taking a bath when I heard barking that didn’t sound like it had come from the street, nor was I close enough to hear the mainstream that loud from that side of the house. I swear I heard the same dog a couple of nights ago. The barking also wasn’t “moving” like the dog was being walked. Plus, I heard it twice, the second time less than two hours after the first time. Faint barking every now and then in the bathroom I can live with. But when they’ve got windows open it’ll be just like being next to a dog that’s left outdoors all over again. If it was next door and it can bark at absolutely nothing during the nighttime, wait till daytime when people are going by. :-(

Later…

sighs Sometimes I get so sick of Andy’s complaints and moods that I wonder if he wants me to dump him or something. If I could turn back time to 2010 or whenever the hell it was I sent his letter to Marla’s place, I would definitely undo that move.

He was pissed that I laughed at his 15°, yet he was just laughing at our 23° not too long ago. I swear he is an immature, moody hypocrite who loves to fling insults and just can’t seem to accept those who aren’t just like him.

He doesn’t ridicule me for hating Arabs cuz he hates them too, but has in a sense, ridiculed me for hating blacks. That’s only because he likes them. But see? That’s the kind of person Andy M is. You’re ok if you hate what he hates, but you’re all wrong if you hate what he likes.

Even though it’s a pain in the ass to manage multiple blogs should I later find an error or want to edit something, it’s my #1 obsession. I am TOTALLY addicted to blogging! I have blogs on all the major sites (and a few not-so-major sites) except for WordPress and Xanga. I hate those sites. The design of them is too busy and complicated to navigate. Meanwhile, of the sites I do like, I could spend hours decorating backgrounds, posts and whatnot. It is more than just a way to share my writing, but to express my creativity as well.

However, most blogs are private or restricted and they will remain that way through 2014 at the very least. Therefore, I have told Tammy that if she wants copies emailed to her, let me know.

Speaking of blogging, I know this post is boring as hell, but I really don’t have anything new to update on. Let’s see… I showered and now I’m going to eat and then hit the treadmill till the road runner’s schedule is such that she can get back to road running again. Exciting, huh? :)

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2013 I’ve told Aly that unhealthy friendships aren’t any better than unhealthy relationships and that while the crazy may not be able to help being crazy, they don’t change. Also, there are different degrees of “crazy” just like there are different degrees of physical illnesses. Well, some are a lot more manageable than others, ya know? But I also know that Aly’s an adult and who she’s friends with is up to her.

Well, today Molly did something she’s never been known to do before; she dumped Aly. I was surprised, though Aly admits she didn’t get into all the details because she’s been so obsessed with her for so long that after spending years trying to win her over, I didn’t think she’d ever dump her.

But we know Molly for the most part. Yes, the crazy can be as predictable as they can be unpredictable. She’ll email Aly in a few days or so crying and begging for forgiveness. I gotta see it to believe it, but Aly swears that this time she’s not going to give Molly another worthless chance and could kick herself for thinking she’d matured. The crazy don’t “mature.” I understand her frustration, though. Back in my forgiving days, I went through the same old cycle of shit. You forgive someone and they take it as an opportunity to fuck you over again. Forgiveness is definitely a bad idea for the most part. Certainly not in all cases, but I think in most cases it’s wise to just move on if things don’t work out. There are other people to be friends with. Sane friends that know right from wrong and fact from fiction.

Although she couldn’t see anything, the troll made her first attempt in days to view my blog, no doubt to see if I mentioned her and Aly’s dispute. Like I said, though, the accounts she knows about are private. If I think she might know about something I can’t track, it gets set to private, too. If I’m pretty sure or totally sure she doesn’t know about an account I make it members or friends only so it’s at least out of Google’s clutches. Now, the accounts are still physically there like Facebook and whatnot, but she can’t see any activity. Ask #1 is down again and my tweets are protected. I also changed my username there. Changing u/n’s on some accounts will change the link altogether while other sites won’t alter the link at all. I love the ones that change the link.

Then Mommy Dearest emailed her all about how she “broke her heart” or something like that. No, Molly isn’t gay, just in case the few who may see this are wondering that. She is actually quite prejudiced.

Anyway, Aly said she didn’t even bother wasting her time replying and defending herself. That’s smart, and as I told her, defending herself is not only a waste of time, but not worth the energy. It’s easier to just go along with whoever and be like, yeah, yeah, whatever than to spend the time trying to convince those who should know us better (or don’t know us or the situation at all) about whatever. I know that sort of makes us the liars/assholes they may accuse or imply we are, but I guess the older I get the less I care about what people think, thus taking the time to defend/clarify myself. Does that mean I’m getting more selfish with age as well? Maybe, but if I am, so what? It ain’t gonna hurt anyone to think what they think, false or not. I told her this, too.

However, I have caught Aly red-handed in lying to me (unless you don’t count not telling me your friends with these assholes as lying), and she has told things to Kim she shouldn’t have told her. Therefore, my trust has been shot in her but not enough to cut ties. If anything else happens, then yes, we’re done for good. For now, I’m just careful in what I tell her. There’s no point in telling her I’m going underground for a year, even though trolls like this often live in a time warp and will act like I’ve only been gone a few days if I do come back to the public limelight someday and if I’m right about their obsession being a forever thing if she’s just going to run to Kim and tell her she can look for me in 2015. I want to be as non-existent and mysterious as possible to Kim and Molly. Do I believe Aly’s learned her lesson and probably won’t tell them what we talk about from here on out? Yes, I do. No point in taking chances unnecessarily, though.

Speaking of Kim, she's gotten into some other trouble with fan sites and the way she runs them or has in the past. Someone else supposedly called her out big time on pretending to be someone she wasn't and sharing tweets and personal info on them that she shouldn't have without permission and somehow her sister found out about it and now watches what Kim does online. It’s about fucking time the sister realized Kim’s not totally innocent like she claims.

She also said Kim is far from perfect but on the surface, if you don't expect much of anything from her, she's really not all that bad. It's not true friendship, she knows, but it's enough for her to stay in contact with her.

Well, after one of her little impersonation stunts nearly caused me to dump Adonis for nothing, I don’t see how anything with that delusional, lying, two-facing nut who can be anyone but herself, could be “enough” for me, but I guess that’s just me.

It is better to have no friends than bad friends, and while Aly does have some good friends (hey, I’m not that bad or that crazy, LOL), I hope she will ignore Molly’s whiny messages, mark them as spam, and that she will get her fondness for crazy friends and unhealthy friendships out of her system. I can’t stress enough to her how she WILL just keep going through the same old cycle of shit with both her and Kim if she continues to keep in touch with them. But again, is it really my job to tell her she has to break ALL contact COMPLETELY if she ever really does want to be free of them and their shit? If she continues to contact them or acknowledge them when they contact her, even if it’s done every few months, she continues to feed their obsession and madness.

Unless they want something, and other than to stalk and creep people out, they don’t give a shit about her any more than I give a shit about them. If I could snap my fingers and get them alone we’d never hear from them again, but that’s just not going to happen.

Later…

I wasn’t going to post this as a whole, but with a little bit of editing, I decided I would. Alison said it would be ok to share it since that lovely team can’t see it. As we knew would be the case, they’ve both sent her numerous emails. In italics, you’ll see what Alison emailed me. First, I see two understatements of the century here: 1. I see a perp played vic just like with the Phoenix welfare bums. 2. I see a mother who’s JUST as crazy as her daughter. Thank goodness these people aren’t black or Mexican or something like that cuz they could use that against us, and of course they would automatically be believed.

Aly received 2 emails from Mommy Dearest and several from Molly. She gave Mrs. McFucked her two cents’ worth.

Damn, these people really ARE extremists with no boundaries! Someone there made 2 attempts to view my LJ blog, but no time registered. I agree with everything you said except for hoping your email finds her well. Who gives a shit if she’s well or not? I also wouldn’t have apologized for your “rude” tone. You have every right to be blunt and angry. You’re being cyberbullied with unwanted contact same as I have been. I also might’ve concluded with “Do not contact me again.” If the laws ever toughen up when it comes to unwanted contact from bullies such as this mother/daughter team, you have evidence that you continue to receive unwanted contact. It is very important that just like I’m doing you never reply to anything else, so it’s good that you’ve got them set up to hit the trash, cuz unless it’s anything threatening or there’s a black person supposedly being picked on, law enforcement isn’t going to give a shit, as you well know. I don’t think a year of going underground will do me (or anyone else) any good since the crazy seems to have no sense of time. Molly will always keep checking to see if I’m public again and I think that each day will be like I disappeared just yesterday to her. Still, I’m ready to give it a shot and find out for once and for all.

LOL, so she said she’d pray for you, huh? Yeah, that’s what the nut job told me, too. Meanwhile, I agree with everything you said. The disabled don’t deserve special treatment. I hate it when they’re treated in any kind of special way same as when blacks are. I agree that Mommy Dearest is responsible for her daughter and doesn’t she think that maybe - just maybe - the fact that so many people have dumped Molly is because MOLLY’s the problem? If Molly knows how to create a blog, she should know right from wrong. She’s actually apologized in the past in her blogs for bullying others, so she knows damn well and good what she’s doing, and I realize it isn’t that she doesn’t know right from wrong, but that she just doesn’t care. They’re like the second pack of welfare bums that victimized us in Phoenix before we moved; they knew right, wrong, up, down, but they lived without a care in the world and it didn’t matter how it affected others… or them.

I also agree that if you pick on someone long enough, they’re going to react. That’s what not only my Phoenix perps didn’t seem to get, but obviously others out there don’t get this either. But punch people enough times and they’ll eventually punch back. Sometimes the only way to get people to let go is if we let go for them. So keep your accounts private and don’t use your real name if you don’t have to. Careful what you tell Kim, too. They may not be friends, but you know Kim has a big mouth.

What I don’t get is why the group home isn’t doing a better job of monitoring their crazies and remembering WHY they’re there in the first place. After the 30th, we’ll see how many times she attempts to view my blog once she’s back in Austin, and of course if Harlingen tries, I’ll know for sure it’s the mother and not her. Pretty sure the last two days were probably Molly.

Meanwhile, I’m sorry I don’t have any updates of my own to make, good or bad, but all is running smoothly for Tom and I. He’s enjoying having extra time off AND getting paid for it. Back when he was a temp the holidays actually cost us money.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2013 Merry Christmas, even though it’s almost over, to those of you who celebrate it.

I’ve got nothing to say at the moment that I should really be saying in public. Then again, I suppose one of them could be mentioned since the trolls don’t know about the blogs that are public or members only, and the ones they do know about will remain private for a year or more. Hopefully, they won’t find the ones that aren’t totally private, and hopefully, no mutual friends that know about them will share them with them. I’ll drop them like a hot potato forever if they do, or at least until they can get their fondness for crazy, lying, delusional friends and unhealthy friendships out of their system.

I begged a mutual friend to please, please not feed this nut any info as to what I’m up to with going as underground as I reasonably and comfortably can. It would not only make it all for nothing but wouldn’t be helping to curb their obsession. The best way to deal with that obsession is by not feeding it, and the less they see/hear of me, the better. If after a whole year of being out of sight and out of sound, they start peeking at my blogs again (if I make them public), then I’m probably stuck with them for life unless drastic measures are taken. Exactly what drastic measures, I’m not sure. Hoping they get run over by a car? Well, they’re at least sick right now, thanks to me. Not going to get into the psychic mood influencing thing all over again, but like it or not, believe it or not, people seem to have a great knack for getting sick after pissing me off, whether I want them to or not. But it is because they’ve been both sick and busy that they haven’t peeked in on me.

Because I went private on the blogs they know about, I may not know it when they make their next attempt to check me out. Then again, I may because my LiveJournal profile page can’t be set to private, and even with the block, they could still access the page a few seconds before the block is triggered and they get redirected to Sex Toyland.

I just hope our mutual friend keeps her word. I realized that if she could be telling me info about them, she could do the same about me. She’s broken my trust twice already, as she knows, though I suppose it isn’t important what other people say. The point is to get them to stop coming to my pages, not stop them from thinking, talking and writing about me.

I just have to be careful what I tell some people, just like I have to be careful what friends of mine with public Facebook profiles I comment on. The trolls have been known to fixate on someone who goes private, then remembering who their friends are with public accounts, they go to their pages to see what the object of their obsession is up to. Again, and as I told someone who asked me, my interactions with friends and family are no one’s business.

Later…

Tom said it was quiet today. He worked in the workshop most of the day and said all he saw was that little girl riding her bike with granny. That doesn’t surprise me. I don’t think that’s the same kid I heard yesterday, though. I think there was a kid visiting the house across the street. I heard it again when they left last night.

Sometimes I wonder if Andy not only likes to rank on those who are different or that he doesn’t understand, but if he actually likes to insult as well. He’s made fun of my financial situation right before we started talking again. He’s made fun of my driving phobia. And lately, he seems to enjoy rubbing blacks in my face, which he knows I can’t stand. He posted a crying black when he was going off on his tangent about how “sad” he is for Tom and me not having in-person friends, and last night he posted some black rappers and said, “You'll hate this pic but don't you love these autumn colors in the background?”

As I told him, he should know the answer to that by now. I’ve mentioned enough times preferring neons and pastels to darks and neutrals.

Is Andy sure he considers himself my friend? I wonder this at times.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2013 I'm grateful not only for friends and family, but just to be ALIVE. In 2004, God took our Arizona home. A few months later He took our Oregon land. In 2008, He took Tom's job. In 2011, He took our benefits and nearly killed us. In 2012, we pulled our foot out of the grave and fought back. In 2013, we went home. In 2014, we're going to Hawaii and He ain't gonna get this place, too! Not even after the close call Tom had at work. They laid off about 20 people, some having worked there a lot longer than he has. I suppose a future layoff is inevitable. Just like those running their own businesses risk losing business, those working for others risk layoffs. This is why we’re determined to keep the savings up. It wouldn’t take just a few weeks to get a new job. Nor would he be any younger or less white. All jobs will eventually fire or lay you off whether you deserve it or not. I still fear we’ll eventually return to struggling. God has the power (and the proven hatred for us in the past) to see to it that just the right events occur to make that happen no matter what we do. If it took a long time to get another job, bye-bye savings and bye-bye to any hope of building it back up if it pays shitty.

On the bright side, there are only so many more years we could struggle. Even if he got shit pay from now till age 66, we could still retire comfortably enough then. So God’s only got about a decade to play money games with us, then He’ll have to pick on our health or something, and by that time we’ll be getting older, thus more likely to develop problems anyway. Guess that’s just life for you; if it isn’t one thing it’s another.

Someone had an interesting theory they brought to my attention the other day. What if there is no God or devil, they said. And what if the good and the bad that happen to us are influenced by the spirits of the dead?

Interesting theory. If this is the case, then I had more dead enemies than dead friends for a while there.

It was 64° when I went for my run just as the sun dipped below the horizon so I wouldn’t be blinded by it. It was about twenty after four. Lots of traffic about, and judging by the number of cars parked out there (there are 3 across the street in front) I’d say Christmas could be more active than one might think for a retirement community. Some houses have up to 5 cars, and one of the dead ends had cars parked all along the sides. At one point a couple of girls in their 20s came out for a smoke, and there were more people out and about than one may assume.

Minus the multi-hour basketball games, barking and loud music, there could be a lot of traffic and people hanging outside like visiting kids. I thought I heard a few kids when I was waking up. Probably those two girls that visit the house around the corner.

Another week and things will be back to normal, even if it means they’ll resume open house across the street and I’ll have to deal with the traffic that brings. Really hope whoever buys the place rarely comes and goes like the people across the street in front, cuz the car doors would be annoying. More so than next door even though they’re 20’ away and not 50’. Next door has a garage in which they do most of their door slamming, but across the street has just a carport. So until our own garage is up, it could get obnoxious if it’s often enough. I’m sure God will see to it that like most people, they come and go at least a few times a day.

Anyway, the person who suggested my lower backache could be from shortened hamstrings due to running and who suggested I bend forward and hold the stretch seems to have helped. Thanks! I’ve been much better the last few days. Still losing some hip flexibility, though, but our tendons and ligaments shorten with age so that’s probably why.

Tom injured his own hip the other night in bed. He rolled over and heard something pop and has had hip pain ever since if he bends over very far.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2013 And back down the scale I go. The back pain is up and down same as my weight, but tonight it’s down, luckily.

Tammy left a 5-minute message and after hearing about her knee troubles and all the pain that shit’s still bringing the poor girl, she said my animal collection was cute but get rid of the fucking snake. I burst out laughing at that one, LOL.

Nane left a cute little Santa dressed in pink on my wall and I returned one in blue, her favorite color.

My raccoon was supposed to arrive today, but instead I got the prairie dog trio. So cute!

Later…

The raccoon did arrive after all. Didn’t expect them to come as late as 8:30, so I guess they either had the code to the gate or were already in the park making deliveries after the gate shut. It took him forever to find the damn thing after he pulled up, but my raccoon is a little cutie.

We might check into boarding the rats at a vet or something like that while we’re gone. I know they’d be just fine, but it’d still be nice if they could be around people. Even if I had friends and family nearby, no one would want to take them cuz they either have cats or dogs or they’re afraid of them. It’s just that the vet probably isn’t gonna let them run around loose or give them hugs and kisses and treats. Also, there may be loud barking there that may scare them.

They’re doing laundry time right now. When I don’t want them distracting me with their nocturnal racket they get kicked out of the living room and sent to play in the laundry room, haha.

Looked up some facial exercises on YouTube and while I’m not overly appearance-conscious I am curious to see if they actually work. So I’m doing one that lifts droopy eyelids, plumps thin lips, and lifts turkey necks and droopy jowls.

Ok, this fatty, who is ironically still smaller than your average US woman, is going to get in a 20-30 minute cardio/strength workout.

No views from Mommy or Molly – wow! How long can they restrain themselves, though? One day? Two? A week tops? Wonder if it’s because they’ve gone out of town for the holidays.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2013 So now the mother and daughter team that’s been cyberstalking me is looking up Google web cache snapshots to view stuff of mine on LiveJournal that is now private and that they are blocked from. What a great way to beat the block too, since this is an image of a page and not the actual page itself, thus preventing the block from being triggered.

Do they think this is funny or something? Well, I don’t! This die-hard obsession of theirs is getting downright creepy. Just what is it they think they’re looking for anyway? Why are they constantly digging for what they think will hold such interest for them? Do they think I have some secret formula hidden in my blog for eternal youth? Or one that will make them rich?

I see a lot of a certain black bitch in Arizona in Mommy Dearest, and that’s what makes it scarier. It isn’t that I fear they’ll come hunt me down and kill me, but more of a fear of being legally victimized even though I haven’t done a damn thing wrong. I guess it’s a normal paranoia to have after what happened in Arizona until I was vindicated. Again, I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t see how they could screw me. But how the hell do I know that they don’t have their own cop friend ready and willing to fabricate false evidence against me? I totally, totally see a vengeful side come out in this woman whenever she’s contacted me. She may be just as crazy as her daughter in some ways, and she may be just as big of a liar, but she’s got some intelligence, and she’s definitely the type that won’t hesitate to spite someone she doesn’t like no matter who gets hurt along the way. I know her type. Hell-bent on revenge.

Anyway, it’s wondering what the hell is motivating them that’s a little scary. Crazy has no logic and there may be no logic to crazy, but the mother’s more mean and vindictive than crazy. Surprised she hasn’t reset her IP# to get through the block. I went private on blogs I know they know about, though, so blocks don’t matter at this point. But looking for cached stuff from before I went private is a bit chilling for some reason. These people have made it clear that they hate my guts. Therefore, my blogs should be of absolutely NO interest to them whatsoever. Maybe someday they will FINALLY quit worrying about what I’m doing and just move on. There’s no need or reason to keep trying to view my stuff. That’s why I worry they suddenly think it’s their job to “supervise” me and are looking for ways to “get” me.

Later…

I was pleased to wake up with no back pain at all. But a few hours later I went for a quick run, and the pain returned for a while. WTF? So is it caused by running or my mattress? Well, I have a doctor’s appointment next month. I’ll see if I can find out what’s up then.

Last night I made an egg brunch in the slow cooker and did more cooking than I usually do in a year. Had to look online to learn that a "clove" of garlic isn't the entire thing of garlic. Thank goodness I didn't mince and dump the whole thing in! And thank goodness for the Internet, too.

Anyway, it takes 8-10 hours to cook and serves almost a dozen. You mince garlic, onion, and green bell pepper and sauté it. Then you put layers of hash browns, shredded cheese, the veggies, and bacon bits in the cooker. After you mix a dozen eggs and some dill, salt, and pepper in a bowl with a cup of milk, you pour it on top of the concoction. I was worried at first the cooker wouldn't be big enough. It was, though, and it even shrunk down a few inches after it cooked a while.

The food came out surprisingly and disappointingly bland. It was a lotta work for a lotta boringness. Some cook I am! I'll stick to writing and languages. Hell, I can even sing a million times better than I can cook.

Gained 2 pounds in 2 days. Ok, so I’m not going to lose weight after all. Didn’t really think I would. I usually bounce within the same 5-pound range depending on where I am in my cycle.

Dishonest or not, I decided to tell Andy and Tammy we’ll be at a coworker’s of Tom’s during Christmas, but for different reasons. No matter how understanding one may be, people just don’t get my type of sleep disorder unless they have it too, so rather than tell Tammy, “Sorry, we can’t call cuz I’ll be sleeping all day,” which may sound a little weird, we’ll just be elsewhere that day. I’ll tell the same thing to Andy so I don’t have to hear how sad he is that we spent it alone, even though Christmas is just like any other day to us.

Later…

A few people have asked for my thoughts and opinions on the gay/straight/bi thing, so I thought I’d answer here. Well, I don’t think anyone’s really ever 100% straight or 100% gay. I think people are various degrees of bisexual instead. This doesn’t mean that every single one of us is regularly attracted to both genders or that we’d act on our fantasies, but it’s hard to believe there isn’t a woman on earth who considers herself straight who hasn’t been attracted to another woman if only for a fleeting moment, and even if she’d never act on it. Same with the gay guy that may idolize a woman he really looks up to or that passes him on the street.

I realize that many people would say it “doesn’t count” if they either never act on their feelings or they only do so once or twice, but I guess we have our own definitions of what makes us and others who we are.

Some have asked me why I married a man when I’ve been attracted to a larger number of women than men. The answer is that his looks, but mostly his award-winning personality, was just so extreme in a positive kind of way. It’s like checking out a handful of blue shirts in a store, all of which you like very much. But then you come across this one green shirt that’s truly outstanding and takes your breath away. Well, Tom was that green shirt.

I have always said that as long as one is happy, it’s mutual, and no minors or force is involved, to each their own.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2013 The mouse figure came today, and I took a pic of it with the squirrel. It’s much smaller than I thought it’d be but amazingly detailed, as expected.

Someone in Mesa, AZ made a direct jump to my Blogger blog and spent an hour in it. I always wonder if it’s someone I once knew. Whoever they are, they appear to be in an apartment complex, so if it’s someone I know it’s not likely to be any of Tom’s siblings.

Worse was that Molly or her mother got to spend over a minute on that blog. They were kicked right out of LiveJournal, though. As annoyed as I am that they just can’t let go, ignore me and move on, and as much as it proves they’re both the biggest liars on earth since they both said they wouldn’t return or pay any attention to me, the thought of Mommy Dearest (that’s who I think it was) reading the crazy dream I had about her equally crazy daughter before getting redirected to play with sex dolls is rather amusing, hahaha.

Anyway, they’ve lost their reading privileges, and I decided that depriving them was more important than leaving those blogs public. Those two blogs don’t get much traffic anyway, so I’m not depriving myself or any sane, genuine followers by making them private. I suppose it’ll make them look harder for the ones they don’t know about yet, but I should know about it when they find them.

I keep waking up with back pain, and Andy keeps telling me to get a massage. I appreciate his concern and advice, but Tom will gladly massage my back for free, and regardless of who massages it, the pain’s only gonna keep returning. I’m pretty sure it has to do with my mattress, which sucks. I really like this mattress a lot. I can lay on it to read for an hour or so, and I’m fine. It’s only after I’ve fallen asleep that I wake up with lower back pain and can’t lay on my stomach or my side unless I have the body pillow jammed between my knees. After I’ve been up and moving about and I bend over and hold that stretch for a minute or so, I’m fine again. Hate to think I might need a new mattress. And what mattress would I get???

Ran my usual 28 blocks today, even though I’m up a pound. It’s common to zigzag down the scale and not drop steadily like a rock, but it still won’t kill me to stay 20-25 pounds overweight if that’s what I do. Gaining that much more isn’t ok, though, so I gotta keep running. I just can’t get my calories down. I need my 1500 a day! Might even be closer to 2000 today since it is Saturday.

Hazel was out sweeping the whole time, of course. That woman looks so frail you’d think a strong gust of wind would snap her in half like a twig. At least the second time around she was actually gathering leaves with her broom. The first time she was just aimlessly swiping the broom at nothing.

Later…

Curious to see what she’d do, I commented on one of Michelle’s posts about the dinner she cooked earlier tonight. She usually “likes” her comments. Sure enough, mine wasn’t “liked.” I’m only keeping her and her sister because of Norma. Once Norma dies, her daughters are gone.

Aly got a kick out of those Molly dreams. Supposedly, with some special attachments, Molly could drive, but she doesn’t think she ever will. I hope not! She also said she probably would laugh at driving on the wrong side of the road.

She said Molly swears it’s not her that went to my blog but her mother in order to “make sure” I’m not bashing her or Marbridge. And what if I were? Would she come and spank me for it? Really, who the hell does this woman think she is, my mother, too? It’s not her job to supervise me!

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2013 Thought I’d do some writing now since Tom has gone into the other room to relax with a movie and enjoy some solitude after dealing with the idiots he works with all day long.

That was the fastest I ever received a package! We ordered the animals last night and by 12:30 the snake and hermit crab arrived. Love my new “pets!” An animal figurine album is definitely in order now that my collection is growing.

Anyway, my snake and crab look amazingly detailed and realistic. The eastern diamondback is a little smaller than the western diamondback. They’re about 3 feet. We lived with the western rattler for 5 years, and those are closer to 5 feet long.

I am learning that the people here are friendly but not very sociable. They’ll happily stop and chat with you on the streets, in the clubhouse, or at the pool, but they don’t invite you to their homes or suggest you go out to eat, shop, or whatever. I guess that’s the whole idea of being here, though, and that they came here for the same reasons we did; they want civilized neighbors but they don’t want to be bothered. So while it’s nice that I’ve met a few people and I know I could run next door if I needed a ride somewhere, I see no reason to feel guilty for doing what works for me simply because it’s not for everyone. My happiness is just as important as yours and well, if you’ve got a problem with my lifestyle, that’s exactly what it is – YOUR problem. I am, however, not going to go out of my way to avoid people either, as I said before.

Andy caught up on my latest journal entries and in regards to the one where I said I could never keep a rape child cuz I’d see the rapist every time I looked at it, “What if I saw me?” Good, interesting, and very thought-provoking question. I’m 99% sure I’d have gotten rid of it, but am glad I will never be in that situation to know for sure what I’d do or what I’d see.

He too was suspicious of the cable company’s note about the leakage, but Tom verified that it was left here by accident and that everything on our account looked fine. If it was someone up to no good they’d keep coming back.

Later…

Above is a pic of my dog, cat, horse, and cow. The prairie dog family is to arrive tomorrow. I’ll take a pic of them along with my squirrel next.

Last night’s dreams were both scary and funny. I didn’t go preacher punching but I sure got the ride of my life from Molly! :( In the first dream, she supposedly had a kid with someone at the group home. I thought it odd that she never mentioned the kid (which I assumed was living with her parents) in any of her blogs. Then I was sending her mother a holiday card saying that even though she’s “scary” at times, I wish her and her family the best throughout the holidays. LOL, definitely not anything I’d ever do!

Where it got scary was when Molly was driving me home. She doesn’t drive for real, but in the dream, she kept swerving onto the wrong side of the road, and I had to keep screaming at her to pull over. Every time I did, she would just laugh as if the possibility of a head-on collision was the funniest thing she ever heard of.

The only other negative dream was stepping on a scale and finding I’d gained almost everything back I’ve lost since we moved here. Good thing I was down another two-tenths for real. Part of that may be cuz I ended up sleeping forever. I kept waking up with lower back pain, something I still get even on this comfy bed if I lie in the same position for too long. I also had one weird dream after another.

The funny one took place at the clubhouse here. I casually wandered in and found the old folks sitting at several long tables. I smelled food cooking and asked someone what was going on. They told me that for $1.30 a day, you could get lunch there. Just as I was about to head home, figuring I could get my own lunch, a woman behind a long counter called out, “Cheeseburgers!”

The supposedly old and feeble residents of this lovely park suddenly jumped up, some so fast they knocked their chairs over, and ran like kids to the counter, squeezing and pushing each other in hopes of being the first ones served. LOL

Kim is supposedly up to her usual tricks on Twitter, according to Aly. I promised to keep it out of public, but apparently, there’s a lesbian who’s in love with one of the actresses from Full House. Kim uploaded a pic of that actress and is pretending to be her. The lesbian fell for it hook, line, and sinker and so now Kim’s pretending to be a lesbian who’s now got a crush on the poor woman that’s got a crush on the actress she’s impersonating.

One really has to feel sad, lonely, and like they are nothing in society to continue to do this year after year. It’s the only way she gets attention and feels special in any way. I don’t like the idea of deceiving people, but I also feel bad for her in a way. She’s over 300 pounds with the mentality of a kid and probably has never even been kissed let alone fucked. I hope she doesn’t dream of marriage, children, or both, cuz this is someone that will probably never experience the love of a good man or woman. She’ll never have any money unless she wins it, and she’ll never have any real purpose in life other than to live in a fantasy world like she does day after day. At the same time, I feel bad for her, I don’t. She is the biggest liar I have ever encountered in my life. My problem with people isn’t just a lack of trust in them thanks to all their lies, stupidity, and phoniness, it’s that I fucking HATE them. Most of them anyway. The few good ones that I know really help to make up for the assholes, and for them, I am grateful and I am glad to have them be a part of my life.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2013 Decided to send a "Thinking of You" message to Michelle's wall and inquire why I haven't heard from her. She PM'd me to say she's been going through a rough time. Do I buy it? Not really. She manages to keep in touch with enough other people, but that's okay.

Now I know why my dear sister asked if we liked Amazon when we last spoke by phone. We received a card with a $30 gift card enclosed! How nice of her and Mark. Since Tom has a gift card he got from work, I used it to add five more figurines to my animal collection – a white mouse, an eastern diamondback rattlesnake, a hermit crab, a raccoon, and a prairie dog family. Presently in my collection are a dog, cat, cow, horse, squirrel, and a tigress with her cub.

I guess that when Tom gets the 3D printer he wants, we can eventually print our own animals. These things are solid plastic through and through. Not hollow molds. So how it can do that is beyond me, but it sounds amazing. We'd have to paint them, but I guess there are 3D models online it can follow. Sounds like it'd be fun. Imagine the rat printing I could do, haha.

Thanks to Nane helping to "Germanize" me more and more, I could understand the German that's sprinkled in the book I'm currently reading and could discern that "Männer sind Schweine" means "men are pigs." And then I accidentally sent her funeral flowers, LOL. I saw these pretty blue flowers and placed them on her wall, but I guess "Friedhofs" are commonly placed on people's graves in Germany. Oops! LOL

Aly had a funny dream where I was in my 30s and marrying a beautiful woman with long black hair and tanned skin. I wore a light pink tuxedo. The preacher asked me to repeat back that I promised to love, honor, and obey "Janessa" and I punched him in the stomach, screamed that I didn't obey anyone but myself, then kissed Janessa before throwing her over my shoulder and taking off running. My friend woke up muttering "Never a dull moment with my Jodi." LOL

This had me laughing so hard when I read it! At barely 5 feet, I doubt I could throw anyone over my shoulder and run off with them, but I just might punch someone in the gut for telling me what to do, LOL. Especially after all I’ve been through in life having to do for this one or do for that one. There comes a time when we have to get a little selfish. I reached my selfish point somewhere between the late '90s and early 2000s.

Thoughts finally deleted Molly's so-called blog, but I’m sure she’ll be up to her old tricks elsewhere. I’m beyond caring anymore, though. As long as she and her crazy mother stay away from me and leave me alone, I don’t give a damn where she’s blogging about what, and I don’t want to know about it either. Had to laugh, though, before they shut her down because she created another account on Thoughts as "librarygirl30" to defend herself after I defended myself against her slanderous bullshit. Well, not only is the username obvious as hell because she uses similar ones all the time, but so was the “Hi Molly. Thanx for calling me. I be your friend here. Hey Molly, what's up with this? Why does she say such terrible things about you? She sounds like a psycho. I see why you don’t like her. I going back to Marbridge next Thursday. when you coming back.”

Now perhaps she and Mommy will allow me to file them away as nothing but a nasty memory, or I will be going to their state if that’s the only way to stop them from being the on-and-off problem they have been for five years now. She emails Aly and I guess she's both pissed and worried. She should've thought before she acted, shouldn’t she have? Also, the story went from mommy not allowing her online at home or at Marbridge, but now she can be online so long as she doesn’t mention me. Like she’s really going to listen to her mother? The more you tell her to go right, the more she goes left.

Later…

Looped around Radiance after going up and down Oak Lakes, putting my run closer to two miles or even a little bit more. Still losing weight, but it’s going super slow. I was always a slow loser who could never lose more than a few pounds a month. Still not totally sure a significant amount will come off, but if it does (like the recurring dreams suggest) I’m about a year away from an ideal weight. WebMD says I’m currently 21 pounds overweight, but “ideal” in my book would be closer to 30. Again, I’m not counting on any major loss, but am loving the feeling the running gives me. It definitely helps to stretch and cool down afterward, but it’d be nice if I could remember to warm up, too. I keep forgetting!

Running every other day is working out well. On off days, I work my arms and abs which don’t get as much of a workout compared to my legs when I’m running. Running every other day keeps me looking forward to it, too. If I did it every day, I might get bored with it.

If I was sweating my ass off on a windy day of 59°F, I wonder how the hell I’ll manage to run when it’s dead calm and in the 90s? I’m definitely going to have to run at night when summer comes. Maybe even when the spring comes.

Strange that Aly and I have not only had dreams of me being thin but in my 30s. Only being in my 30s would be quite a nightmare for me. I miss having good vision, but having a husband who’s eight years older is a big enough age difference.

He cracked me up earlier. I finished cleaning the kitchen before the robot finished vacuuming the front part of the house. Tom was watching it sail across the room and asked if it remembered what parts it had already done.

“I guess it does,” I told him. “The manual said it would. But hey, it does what it does.”

Tom started laughing then and said, “You don’t supervise your employees?”

LOL!

Still keep going back and forth in my mind as far as what accounts I want to keep and how I want them set up.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2013 Deactivated my first Ask account again because I answer enough questions elsewhere, some intelligent, some stupid, some ludicrous.

Meanwhile, most of my blogs are public with Molly and Mommy Dearest being blocked on the ones I know they know about. A part of me laughs at the thought of just where Mommy will be redirected to the next time she tries to access my blog. You know, the one she said she wouldn’t return to? Well, she did for 28 seconds yesterday. Someone in that household did anyway.

I’m on Twitter again too, though I’m still not sure if I want to keep that account or if I want to protect my tweets or not.

The more I think about it, the more I think it was the mother who went to my blog Sunday night and not Molly. Molly wasn’t supposed to be home till Monday. I thought it weird that they landed at the beginning of that blog. Then I remembered Mrs. M was nosing around my bio, which was at the beginning, several months back. She probably bookmarked the page.

Am still working on trying to get Thoughts to help me, since the bitch lied about closing the blog, and left a comment in my defense, for whatever it may be worth, but am not expecting Thoughts to give a damn. That whole site has gone to hell and I don’t understand why anyone blogs there. I can’t stand them. I will NEVER blog there again. Almost all the features are buggy. If anything, though, it’s just one more piece of evidence against them until Thoughts deletes the blog if it remains unused for 6 months.

Comcast left a note yesterday (probably while I was out on my run) saying that a cable TV signal leakage has been detected here which can interrupt marine and aeronautical communication, so they have to come out to the house to investigate. I called Tom and he said he’d call them after work.

We also have to call my old eye doctor up in Auburn. They took it upon themselves to make an appointment for me on January 30th (not Tom, too?) but we’ll be in Hawaii then. We decided we would stick with this doctor after all. Auburn’s only half an hour away and I don’t want to have to start all over with a new doctor. Also, I miss the Chinese place just a few doors down. Their fried rice was to die for.

Had a dream I was suddenly 37 again and horrified at the thought since that made Tom nearly 20 years older. His being 8 years older and knowing women usually live longer than men is bad enough!

Enjoyed my run yesterday, even if it was to the tune of scattered mowers and blowers around the park. As I ran by one with a blower and saw he was wearing headphones to block the sound, I thought to myself, that’s ridiculous! Why don’t they just make the damn things softer? They’ve made fans and a million other things quieter, so why not these things? Then they wouldn’t have to wear headphones and those around them wouldn’t be so annoyed either.

Every day this week I’ve had to listen to both the park landscaping and various residents. Saw that they use a huge mower in the common areas that they stand on while they drive it. The results are lovely, but I’m so glad we don’t live adjacent to the main common space, as I would hate to have that thing coming up to our windows.

Today’s strength training day, since yesterday was cardio. My upper abs are now flat again so long as I lay on my back and suck them in. Below my belly button is that paunch we all complain about, but oh well. Can’t win ‘em all. Off to work my arms and those flat/bulging abs!

Later…

Andy will be offline for a couple of days while he has new flooring installed. I hate to say it but I kind of enjoy the break from him and Ask.

Was reading more about the Jodi Arias case. When it comes to those who have been victimized in various ways – physically, verbally, sexually, legally – I am astonished, ashamed and appalled by just how many people are quick to support the perps, quite often without learning the full story beforehand.

Travis Alexander’s family is being called “selfish” for wanting the taxpayers to help get the courts to seek “revenge” on Jodi. How ridiculous! If they wanted them to pay to throw her in jail cuz they didn’t like something she said, believes, or the style of her clothing, then of course that would be wrong. But I honestly don’t see how it’s “selfish” of them to want a brutal killer to pay for her crimes. Hell, I don’t even know her and I want to see her finally pay. I know she deserves death, but am expecting life. It’s better than nothing, though.

And what about the Jaycee Dugard case? IDK, but some of it just doesn’t ring true. I saw a lengthy interview of her and she just seems too normal for someone who was supposedly kidnapped and raped for 18 years. I don’t doubt that something happened, but she’s just too sane and too intelligent for having been through an ordeal so heinous. And what about the two kids she had with the monster? How can she stand to look at them knowing where they came from? They say a mother’s love knows no boundaries, but come on, there’s gotta be some limits. The second I had a child of rape I would get rid of it because every time I looked at it I would see HIM. I wouldn’t blame it for what happened and I know it wouldn’t be its fault, but I know I couldn’t stand to look at it. I don’t see why any woman would want anything her abductor/rapist could give her whether it was a child or a piece of jewelry.

And why did she pass up the numerous opportunities she had to escape? I know many say she was brainwashed and scared, but so were others who escaped their captors first chance they got. Jaycee didn’t have to be any different, did she? If she can be as smart as she is now, she could have and would have been smart enough to escape… without the journals and other “souvenirs” of her time there, including her captor/rapist’s kids.

Later…

Someone (probably Mommy Dearest since Harlingen hit my old Thoughts blog till I made it friends only, has been checking on and off all day for comments on the post where Molly uses my name. Well, they got to see the comment I left in defense of myself, for whatever good it may do. The mother is just as much of a liar as her daughter is, though. She knows about this blog and she knows about her WordPress blog, which she leaves a link to on her Ask account, yet she hasn’t made any attempts whatsoever to shut them down.

Tom called the cable company and it turns out that the notice about the leakage was placed on the wrong house. Then they better not turn our service off on the 22nd like they said they would if we didn’t call them!

Sugar’s got this new thing now when after we play for a while, he “takes” me into the kitchen and to the pantry door where he begs for a piece of Tootie Fruitie cereal. Haha, it’s so damn cute, too. I love that rat.

Romeo continues to be shy but manageable.

We’re thinking of setting up inside cameras so we can watch them and the house while we’re gone. We’re both 99% sure both them and the house will be fine. The park will keep an eye on the place. If our home in Phoenix was ok with a pack of drug-dealing welfare bums living next to it, I’m sure this house in a gated, ritzy community will be ok, too. The rats will be left with plenty of food and water, as well as each other to keep each other company since they often get depressed without other rats around.

Tom was hesitant to install the camera at first, saying there would be nothing we could do if anything did happen to the house or rats and we’d just be depressed by it. True, but the odds are nothing bad will happen, and having the camera and seeing everything ok would probably add to our peace of mind.

When I was out on my run yesterday observing the beauty around me within my gated, ritzy little neighborhood, I remembered back in 2007 when we were homeless. Although it was only for 36 hours, it was the longest 36 hours of our lives. How it pained me so to see my husband have to suffer after all his hard work, and to know that nothing up there gave a damn about us… but look at us now!

I’ve had no pain or stiffness since my last run and hopefully remembering to warm up and cool down before my runs will help. I found some videos just for runners that I follow.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2013 Mrs. M's promise to remove Molly's so-called blogs turned out to be the bullshit I expected, but that's okay. I couldn't care less about what people read about me, whether false or true. Those who know me well understand the reality. I'm not bothered anymore, and once again, I regret deactivating this and that and making certain things private. I'm not the instigator here, so I refuse to run away.

I need to quickly devour a few hundred calories to fuel my nearly 2-mile run, and then I'll adjust settings later.

They were out three times yesterday next door, but everyone else stayed put all day except for the yellow house, which only left once. Where could a couple of old people possibly need to go three times a day??? I'm grateful they have a quiet vehicle, and our house is solidly built because it's just my luck to be closest to the one that comes and goes the most. When the sound machines are off and there's no music playing, I can faintly hear the car doors closing. It's nothing compared to when the house across the street sells, and there's regular traffic over there. I'm not looking forward to that at all.

The park was blowing the common area beyond next door yesterday, then someone was having work done on their house. Today, it's the gray house's turn for maintenance, and who knows what the park or other houses will be up to.

The after-work bowling party/raffle is today, so Tom will be late.

Later…

Stalking is still stalking even if it's mostly done within the gray areas of the law. But mark my words. Sooner or later, you will step further into the darkness… and I will be waiting. Waiting to bring the full force of the law down upon you. I have every right to be enraged when I am followed and watched by someone I want nothing to do with, and their being "disabled" or crazy is no excuse for their actions. It doesn’t make it okay. I also have every right to tell them to leave me alone and to take whatever legal and necessary action to make it stop. And make it stop, I will. Just because you may be too unwell to do what's right, those responsible for you can, and when they fail to do their job properly, the law can hold them accountable for monitoring the disturbed individuals within their care.

From now on, I refuse to run, hide, or make things private because of the lunatics in this world. If I choose to do so, it will be because it's my decision and not because of some deranged stalker. I will not hold back expressing myself about the situation, nor will I close off lines of communication. If they persist in contacting me after I've explicitly told them not to, let them incriminate themselves by building a case against themselves. It will only expedite legal action against them. However, I have blocked their latest IP# and informed my tracker not to notify me when they visit (even though the information is still being stored, just like with their provider). Ignorance truly is bliss.

But someday – someday – you’ll go too far.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2013 Had a dream last night about preparing to leave for Hawaii, a flurry of activity as I bid farewell to our pet rats. In typical dream fashion, our house appeared vastly different from reality.

Yesterday, Tom and I kept busy, and despite some discomfort in one leg during my run, I pushed through. Today, I'll focus on household chores and my usual tasks, giving my muscles a day to recover.

Our search for plant pots at Walmart proved fruitless, but Tom had a stroke of genius, suggesting decorative wastebaskets instead. We reinforced them with chains before applying expanding foam to create sturdy bases. However, one basket seems unstable, requiring further attention. Despite their unconventional appearance, the plants look surprisingly lush. I may tweak them slightly to improve their aesthetics.

While cleaning the kitchen's plastic panels, we discovered the ubiquitous popcorn ceiling and discussed the possibility of installing recessed lighting in the future. A mishap resulted in a cracked panel, leading us to explore decorative alternatives, settling on scenic designs featuring skies and trees.

Later…

I find myself feeling a mixture of nerves and irritation towards an ongoing source of frustration in my life—Molly. Just as I began to entertain the hope that her situation at Marbridge was improving, she resorted to blatant lies and delusions. While her previous blog entries about me using only my first name were of little consequence, her recent use of my full name on a platform as searchable as thoughts.com crosses a line.

This pattern of behavior has persisted for far too long. While Molly hasn't divulged personal information like my address or social security number, her malicious falsehoods are deeply troubling. Despite the lack of direct threats, her actions constitute defamation, and I'm tempted to take legal action. However, the law offers limited recourse since she hasn't explicitly threatened me.

I'm frustrated by the powerlessness I feel in the face of Molly's erratic behavior. Sometimes, I wonder if more drastic measures are necessary to stop her. Her Internet access should be revoked given her unstable mental state and history of troubling behavior. Yet, the institutions responsible for her care seem oblivious to the severity of the situation.

I've reached out to Marbridge and Thoughts, though the latter's dysfunctional platform leaves me doubtful of any meaningful response. It's disheartening to confront the indifference and ineffectiveness of those tasked with managing such situations. Molly's actions are a stark reminder of the vulnerability inherent in online interactions, especially when individuals exploit anonymity to inflict harm.

Her blog continues to be filled with the same tired delusions and falsehoods. Despite her claims of never visiting my pages, it's blatant nonsense. I have evidence to the contrary. Whether she genuinely can't recall or if she's convinced herself of being an innocent victim, or perhaps someone else is involved, such as Kim or her peers from the group home, the possibilities are endless. What I can affirm is that my provider can vouch, unequivocally, that I am not engaging in any form of bullying toward her.

"Why can't Jodi be nice to me?" she asks Aly. Well, Jodi wants nothing to do with this troubled individual, but she fails to grasp that. I'm actively trying to distance myself from her, hoping she'll forget about me, yet we're nearing five years of enduring this ordeal. Whether she knowingly fabricates lies or genuinely believes I'm targeting her is beyond comprehension. There's no reasoning with someone so unstable. The only way to curtail her online harassment is to keep her offline entirely. Yet, why has this not been realized by now?

Andy suggested laying low for a year, but it's not as simple as that. While I can limit her ability to contact me and obscure my online presence, the accounts still exist. She persists in checking them daily, and I fear she'll continue maligning me for years to come, regardless of my efforts to ignore her. Despite my reluctance and disdain for feeling controlled by her, I've deactivated my accounts on Ask and Twitter and made my blogs private. It's disconcerting how fearless she appears. Even if she knew that spying on me could lead to legal consequences, I doubt it would deter her. I've become more than an obsession to her; I'm an addiction. I'm attempting to starve that addiction by remaining as invisible as possible. While I won't delete every account and create new ones under false names, I'm cautious of those who may provide her with information.

She claims to be unable to log into Thoughts, a claim I'm inclined to believe given the platform's glitches. However, her blog will likely remain for six months before deletion, a period during which her lies will be accessible to all. Aly expresses sympathy for her, but my patience for this individual has long since expired. Whether her behavior stems from childhood trauma or innate instability is irrelevant; it does not justify her stalking, harassment, and deception.

As Aly informed me, she's currently on vacation. She likely rushed to my sites upon her return, using an unblocked IP. I've taken measures to block her access on Blogger and made my LiveJournal private. Though my actions may have little impact, I felt compelled to make a public post, even though I contemplated contacting her mother through Tom's account. Ultimately, I refrained, recognizing the futility of such actions. I fear I may have to confront this issue in Texas eventually; it seems I'm the only one capable of remedying this situation. Despite her egregious behavior, no laws have been violated. It's akin to cursing in anger; morally wrong but not illegal. Similarly, while I detest unwanted intrusion into my blogs, there's no law prohibiting her from checking my accounts.

Later…

Our neighbors have returned from their second outing of the day, likely settling in for the remainder of the day.

At times, I question my friendship with Andy. His judgmental and immature behavior, coupled with occasional annoyance, makes me reconsider our connection. Yet, when confronted, he deflects blame onto me. A part of me wishes he'd grow tired of me and end our friendship, but I doubt it'll happen unless I deliberately push him away. If I ever reach that point of frustration, I might simply walk away. However, I fear he'll cling to me, reminiscent of situations with Tammy, and potentially morph into someone akin to Molly or Kim.

Molly, indulge in your stalking spree while you're home with Mommy and Daddy because as soon as you return to Marbridge, you're officially offline! Yes, yes, yes! I wouldn't have known this if not for Aly, who seems rather distressed over her punishment and spent a good half-hour bouncing around on the one blog she can access, particularly my entry aimed at her mother. If Aly knows about the restriction, then surely Mommy Dearest is aware too. Perhaps the witch will keep her daughter offline at home as well.

What's disheartening is the knowledge that Molly will eventually regain her online privileges. When will these "experts" realize that some people truly never change? She lacks any understanding of right, wrong, fact, or fiction. It's as if they expect a miracle to occur one day, believing that if they give her just one more chance, she might not mess it up. Perhaps not immediately, but sooner or later, the stalking, lies, delusions, and even threats will resurface, no matter how many chances they give this lunatic.

Alison mentions that Kim still denies following my blogs, yet occasionally, she'll casually reference something I've written, proving she's just as much a liar as Molly. When Molly denies viewing my blog, Alison reminds her about the tracker, which usually prompts silence. Alison suspects Kim might be using a prepaid phone, making her activities less traceable. She confirms that Kim enjoyed following my tweets and my followers there because she knew I couldn't track her there. It's unsettling to realize that my friends are also under her scrutiny.

I've also learned that Kim lives with other family members besides her mother, sharing a two-family house with Carol and her family upstairs, while Kim and her mother reside downstairs. I've tried to obtain Kim's IP address and physical address from Alison just in case, but she keeps delaying, citing reasons like searching for it on an envelope. Nevertheless, if there was ever a time I appreciated Alison's connection with Molly, it's now. I value her updates on both trolls, allowing me to stay one step ahead of them.

Later…

Crazy is crazy, and there's no unraveling the mysteries of insanity. I understand this. What frustrates me about Molly isn't just her puppy-like following (though it's a tad creepy), but the lack of close monitoring of her. According to Mommy Dearest, they didn't allow her back online as I had assumed; she snuck online.

I was concerned that they might have discovered my Prosebox account because this morning, a couple of Molly's page views showed as "No Landing Page." However, I realized that was her attempt to access my Blogger blog, which I had apparently made private just minutes before she returned home last night. I wasn't aware of her return until I saw her hometown on my log.

Prosebox doesn't provide detailed page info, only the countries that visit. LiveJournal offers a bit more detail, and of course, Blogger is incredibly detailed when set to public, practically notifying me if someone sneezes while reading my blog!

Anyway, there's been no sign of her on my tracker, so I may consider resurrecting my Twitter and Ask accounts sometime soon.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2013 Coaxed Tom into running with me yesterday. Poor guy's a little sore today, but that’s to be expected until your muscles get used to it. He used to run in his 20s, but found it hard on his joints and prefers walking. At the very end when we were just a few houses away from ours, he surprised me by taking off running at about 6 MPH. I flew after him, of course, and caught right up to him. He wanted to show his dear wife that he could still run, even if it wasn’t for long. Back home we were laughing at how anyone looking out their window to see him suddenly go flying off like that with me giving chase, must’ve really been like, WTF?

I love the time we spend on weekends and just being close to him. On weekdays we’re more like roommates/friends as hard as he works and as little free time as he has, so it makes weekends all the more special for us. :)

He downloaded this cool app called Runtastic. My route is only 1.8 miles. For some reason, I thought it was closer to 3. I know, though, that running or walking a mile a day is considered a good workout, so 1.8 miles still isn’t bad. I will eventually pick up my speed and add distance in small increments. It currently takes me about 15 minutes to run a mile at 3.5 MPH. Wanna get that down to about 8 minutes.

I love running and I love how I can eat all I want and not worry about gaining any more weight even if I'll never lose the 26 extra pounds the calculator says I have to lose. I may even get running apparel someday.

For now, we're looking at dishwashers, humidifiers (our skin has been desert-dry), and new laptops. Don't know what we're getting just yet or when we’ll resume with the painting. This morning we’re going to Walmart to look for pots for the trees I got, plus an armband for my iPod, plus whatever else we happen to find with all the gift cards he got at work.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2013 My sister and her family are currently experiencing deep sorrow as they mourn the loss of a beloved friend, who was like an uncle to my nieces. The friend and his wife resided in Florida, and tragically, his wife passed away. Distressed and facing financial difficulties, he sought refuge with Tammy and Mark. During the night, he suffered a fatal heart attack, and it was Sarah who discovered him when she went downstairs to check on him.

Ask reached out to me again, revising their previous statement. Initially, they stated that they would only provide user data to Latvian authorities, but now they claim they'll cooperate with my local authorities upon contact. waves hand Whatever. I'm not overly concerned unless someone turns up at my doorstep brandishing a weapon.

I plan to go running at some point today, though I'm unsure if I can convince Tom to join me. While it would be enjoyable to have his company, he lacks interest in running, isn't as physically fit as I am, and typically has a list of errands and other weekend obligations. Given his demanding work schedule of 40-60 hours per week, coaxing him into socializing can be challenging. On my run, I anticipate encountering Hazel, who enjoys a chat. While I appreciate the conversation, I'm also keen on maintaining my pace.

Yesterday, I had a disconcerting encounter that momentarily unnerved me until Tom reassured me. Despite an uncanny resemblance, he reminded me why it couldn't have been the troublesome individuals from our past in Phoenix. The sight of a blue SUV parking in front of our house, occupied by a couple resembling our former tormentors, stirred anxiety. However, Tom reassured me of the improbability of their presence here, citing our surveillance options and community standards.

Despite encountering a few respectable black neighbors in the past, I harbor a preference for living among people of similar backgrounds. I earnestly hope the individuals considering the neighboring house are not approved, as I am averse to repeating past experiences. Despite their apparent affluence, I remain wary, recognizing that wealth does not preclude disruptive behavior.

In summary, while acknowledging the presence of decent individuals from all backgrounds, I remain cautious and hopeful for a harmonious living environment among like-minded peers.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2013 So I get these threats to rape and kill me and my mother from my “father” on Ask this morning. I immediately suspected some bored kid in another country as opposed to the sickos in Arizona or anyone else I may’ve known or know now. I wasn’t scared because words are just words. If someone came to my door, that’d be different, and then yes, I would defend myself in any way I had to.

I said: Both my parents are dead. So a ghost is going to kill me, then have sex with my dead mother?

I didn’t share these on Facebook, of course. Definitely Facebook-friendly, LOL. Then they said they didn’t know that, was sorry, but fuck me anyway. Then they asked where I lived and said they’d fly to me and fuck me.

Ok, so maybe the smartest thing would’ve been to ignore them and not indulge them in any way, but when I think back to how I lost half a year of my life and many thousands of dollars after being falsely accused that no one should lose that kind of time and money to even if they’d been guilty as hell, I couldn’t just keep quiet and do nothing.

For a while there after getting fucked over like I did in Arizona, I was afraid to even breathe, let alone fight back or simply speak my mind. Sick of being society’s little puppet and feeling like I was losing myself after a while, I eventually crawled out of my scared little shell. That didn’t stop us from fleeing the state when we could, though. Hey, we’re talking about a corrupt cop involved in that case with a lot more power and weapons than we would ever have and we knew my eventual vindication would piss the shit out of them. We felt like sitting ducks and we couldn’t stay there anyway because Tom lost his job and our expenses were insane. There were two of us and many of them, the laws treated whites like shit there, and did we really want to pay any more taxes to a state that could screw me over the way it did? We decided we definitely didn’t want that or to take any foolish risks unnecessarily. But we did want a climate change. Well, we got it even though we picked the wrong one for starters.

The point is that God has always, always protected my perps. It’s always, always been ok to fuck over Jodi, but if Jodi even thinks evil thoughts about you, she’s in big trouble. Well, fuck Him and His double standards! I knew damn well nothing would happen to the person, whose whereabouts are in Tirana, Albania’s City Hall, but I couldn’t just smile and sit back silently either. So, not knowing how to flag them from that account, I did so from my secret account (or supposed secret account) and contacted Ask directly as well. They recommended I call the police cuz they only have to give user data to Latvian authorities, which is where they’re based.

Brilliant advice, Ask! So other countries are supposed to call their cops and have them do what? Be totally useless to them because you are?

No wonder the US’s hands were tied in that bullying case Andy told me about. I was able to determine they were in Albania cuz they linked to my blog from Ask. If many people linked in at the same time, then I probably wouldn’t be able to figure it out, but since they were the only ones in from there today, it was obvious.

Ask did delete some of their questions, which stopped as soon as I mentioned their location, so they probably got scared off, or Ask blocked their IP. Maybe if anything good came of it, I helped someone else. To me, threats are just words, but others may find them very scary.

Mark my words, though, if trouble ever does go beyond words and materialize at our door, I WILL fight back. And I won’t care how black you may be and how much the laws are prone to side with you. Not even if you’re an authority figure or might have once been till you abused that position of power.

Later…

I’ve posted 1987 through most of 1993 and will slow it down to posting 1 or 2 months a day so I don’t drive anyone crazy with overposting on Prosebox. There will be several books in all once I’m done sometime this spring or summer at the latest. My New England book is done. My Phoenix, Arizona book has 6 more years to go. Then my Maricopa, Arizona book which will cover the early 2000s will be next, followed by my Oregon book which will cover the mid-2000s, then my California book which will cover 2007 to the summer of 2013 when we moved in here. Then I also have my bio and a short story, along with my current day-to-day eVents.

The “bored kid,” who’s got to be at least 18 if they work at City Hall, has backed off. I guess Ask either blocked them or they got freaked out by my knowing their whereabouts even though they came at me anonymously. Or tried to. Who knows, though, maybe they were a dirty old man.

Had some heavy bleeding last night. I guess I just had to get 2 periods in 1 to make up for skipping last month. So much for thinking menopause was setting in.

Although they don’t make a big production out of it and are quiet, which I appreciate, where could two old people possibly have to go twice a day by 1pm? They (or maybe just Bob) takes off between 9-10am, returns an hour or two later, parks in the carport, then leaves again within the hour for another hour or two. In fact, I just heard what I think was two doors close, so they both just left. Yup, I see them pulling onto the street now. No one else around here has budged yet today.

The night before last I dreamt that Nane surprised me with a call. I knew it was her even though she didn’t say her name. We bought an old dump in the country and harbored a killer in our old Phoenix home in last night’s dreams.

It was amazingly quiet yesterday and it’s been that way so far today too, even though it’s still early. Meeting people here hasn’t been as easy as I thought it’d be, and while I still prefer to stick to the home front and do my own thing most of the time, I haven’t given up. It’s just not one of those things you can plan or make happen. But I’m putting myself in a position that won’t stop it either.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2013 Logged into Tom’s Facebook account to compare his homepage with mine. He has no ads or suggested page likes. On my homepage, the second post down is always a suggested like. Then every few posts from there on down are “likes” or offers. So that reinforces my corrupt apt theory. I have billions of them, though, so I can’t even begin to guess which one it is that’s littered my feed with all this crap. Oh well. People can PM or tag me if they have something they really want me to see.

Finally got hit full force with a real period after two days of spotting. I’m flowing and cramping heavily, but hopefully it will have backed off before I go to the clubhouse to check out what their painting class entails.

I want to clarify something and that’s that I’m not having problems with a lot of people or anything like that back when I said the stress of the holiday season seemed to be bringing out the worst in some people. It’s nothing that’s being aimed at me directly and I’m sorry if I gave that impression. It’s just people I see bickering at each other on various sites that seems more frequent than usual that I was referring to. Meanwhile, no one’s mad at me at the moment and I’m not mad at anyone either. I will admit, though, that I was mad at Andy at first when he brought up how sad he was over my lack of in-person friends. For years my attitude has been “It’s my life, I’ll live it as I see fit, and fuck what others think or want.” But I have come to realize how selfish this attitude of mine truly is. But yes, I was pissed at first. I didn’t get why it was so important to him and why he should care as long as it made me happy, and was like, “Who the hell is he kidding bringing up my lack of trust in people? He’s got such trust issues that he won’t even get a BF.”

But I realize he is happy being alone and that it’s not about his lack of trust or anything like that. I just never thought to push him to get a BF cuz I not only didn’t feel it was my place to do so, but I just didn’t care how he chose to live his life. Him having a BF (or not having one) doesn’t affect me directly either way.

And my own lack of friends has nothing to do with lack of trust so much as it does lack of time and desire. Yes, more friends means potential for more problems, but it was just me being the loner I always preferred to be. I realize, though, like I said, that this selfishness has got to stop. I can still live like a hermit but make some friends, can’t I? And I can at least learn a little Japanese, can’t I? (I have another friend who’s been harping on me to learn it).

If Andy were here right now and I cooked him a meal and he asked for more salt or margarine, I’d be quick to jump up and get it for him. Why? Because I want him happy and it’s not too much to ask for, that’s why. I have always been, in many ways, like a puppy eager to please. I hate knowing anyone is sad or depressed for me for ANY reason and that is why I hesitate to share anything sad or negative; because I don’t want to bring them down. As long as it’s something within my means, I love to make those I care about happy. I can be more of what others want me to be without losing my identity.

I finally shook myself by the shoulders, so to speak, and said to myself, “These people aren’t asking for much, Jodi.” Not that anyone’s demanded or asked me to make certain changes/additions, but I know it would mean a lot to them if I did. They’re reasonable things – they’re not asking me to stand on my head all day, hold my breath for 3 hours, or harm my husband in any way – so what’s the big deal? Why can’t I meet some people halfway? Especially if it’ll bring a little more peace and happiness their way? I don’t have to learn every single Japanese word and I don’t have to make friends with every single person in California. But I can be the changes they’d like to see while STILL being myself. As long as no one asks me to go to church, take up baseball, or win a million bucks, I can make little changes here and there and be a little less me and a little more them.

It may be a piss poor excuse, but I think part of what made me so damn selfish for a while there is because I had so little freedom for so long in some cases. Turn 18 and get the reigns of your life back from a bitch like my mother was, and yes, the idea of living for yourself and yourself only does tend to go to one’s head. I just got carried away with it and took the “I’m gonna be myself” thing a little too far. But I can still be true to myself without being phony or anything like that. No, I’m not going to be friends with just anyone. I can’t see myself pretending to like someone if my heart just isn’t in it. That wouldn’t be fair to them or to myself, but not all people are bad.

I want to do more for others for once and not just for Tom and I. I need to change. I know that. Friendships take time to find and build, though. You can’t always “plan” or make that happen any more than you can love. It has to happen naturally and develop on its own. Almost everything good in my life wasn’t planned or even expected. But this morning should be a good start.

I also feel like I’m neglecting some of my online friends and like I haven’t been there for them as much as I should be. I don’t want them to think I’m getting sick of them or that I stopped caring, but I still want to do more things offline, too. Since I can’t be both on and offline at the same time, I’ll work hard and not only be a better, less selfish friend but to balance my time better in both the cyber and real world.

Later…

Some may say that making little changes here and there for the sake of making others happy (or at least less sad) is foolish since there’s always going to be someone who has a problem with every little (and big) thing about me. I understand this, but I’m not looking to please everyone in the world either. I know that’s ridiculous. I don’t care what some stranger on the other side of the world may want for me; I’m talking about those I’m closest to. As long as the requests, wishes, desires, or whatever you want to call them are reasonable and I don’t feel like I’m being tugged in a million directions at once or like I’m some piece of human clay anyone wants to shape and mold, it’ll be ok.

The point is that I’ve been too stubborn in a lot of ways and I want to improve on this. Another thing I want to work on is to quit defending and explaining myself so much and just let others assume, guess or believe whatever they want even if it’s false or just not quite correct.

I would, for example, be quick to point out that the reason I learned Spanish is that I always thought it a beautiful language if someone insisted I did it because I want to travel or live there, but is that really necessary? I used to correct people so that they would better know and understand me, but so fucking what if they don’t have me 100% correct, right? Does everyone need to know and understand every single little thing about me? Are anyone’s thoughts, assumptions, opinions or beliefs really going to hurt me? Besides, I know what’s true and what’s not, so shouldn’t that be all that matters? I think it’d keep the peace better if I just went along with whatever and let them think whatever they think. Some people have mistaken my pointing out the truth as being argumentative and I’d hate for people to think that in my correcting them my real intention is to pick a fight when it’s not that at all. I don’t mind answering them if I’m asked a question, but what they do with the answer should be up to them. Not me.

Later…

Noticed they started telling us the number of followers we have on Ask, but not who they are. I was surprised to learn my secret Ask account has 4 followers. I know one is Andy, but who could the other 3 be. At first I thought of Lady Di, but she’d be following Andy too, yet Andy only has 1 follower on his own secret account, which we know is me. I’d say my 3 mystery followers are just random strangers. As Andy said, if they were the trolls, they’d be following him, too. When we answer the question of the day, people see that.

My first Ask account has 55 followers. Let me guess, a few trolls, a dozen or so friends… and the rest???

Still copying old stuff to Blogger, Tumblr and Prosebox. I’m almost up to 1993.

Took a walk down to the clubhouse at just after 9am. I stepped into the main room and found it deserted. However, there were rows of about a dozen long tables set up that each seated about a dozen people. The tablecloths alternated in holiday colors from green to red. Next to each plate setting was a small teddy bear. Against a sidewall was another long table bedecked with tons of teddies.

I then turned and saw the sign announcing a potluck dinner at 11am. Then some guy came in and I asked him about the painting class that was to be at 9:30. He said it was canceled today because the potluck, apparently, is for all the local piggies and firefighters. I guess they give the teddy bears to abused children. Hey, at least they can be doing something good amongst the corruption, right?

Anyway, the guy said they get their own easels, paints and canvases, and sometimes there’s an instructor there. The classes sometimes just have 1 person, other times 5.

sighs I wish it was swimming season.

Andy and I were talking about my dad bursting into tears and apologizing for letting his sick wife abuse his kids, but you know what? We both agree that his “I’m sorrys” were a bit late.

I know it’s only 11am, but it’s been amazingly quiet so far today. I guess it’s cuz of the cold. It’s supposed to be back up in the 60s soon, thank goodness. I’m dreading when the house across the street finally sells cuz having to listen to all the car door slamming will be kind of annoying given where they are. Hopefully, once they get settled in and show the place off to their family and friends, they won’t come and go too often or have much company. Next door comes and goes about twice a day. The yellow house across the street comes and goes maybe 3 times, and the gray house rarely goes anywhere.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2013 Haven’t backed my computer up since the 3rd, so I’m doing that now. I took it off the automatic timer cuz it would take forever and slow me down.

Ran a total of 28 blocks yesterday in 33° temps. My nose felt like a block of ice stuck to my face, but what ended up annoying me most was the little twig or weed that somehow got into my shoe and was irritating me. It was 5am, so only a few cars passed by during this time. A cop car was exiting the gate when I reached it and headed back. I couldn’t make out who was in it, but whoever it was waved and I waved back.

Running at night is both easier and harder. It’s harder to see the ground and exactly what your feet are coming down on as you run, but it’s easier to see cars coming cuz of their headlights.

Despite the cold, I actually worked up a bit of a sweat underneath my jacket and sweatshirt, so I found when I returned home. My cheeks continued to sting a while, though, as if they’d been slapped.

Woke up several times feeling as if I had cramps and was so sure that I finally had a full-fledged period going, but nope. I’m still spotting just like I did yesterday. The cramps weren’t bad enough to have to take something for them and were gone after I showered.

LiveJournal is down now. Gee, what a surprise. Reminds me why I stopped going there regularly. Too much change and therefore too many problems. Outages, pages not loading all the way, site running slower than a snail, etc. Really wish they’d get their shit together till I finished copying old journals. I could copy from my-diary but that one’s a little trickier to copy from and this way I can edit both journals at once. I’m not going to stress too much over something I wrote over 20 years ago, but I still like to double-check and make sure no full names are mentioned unless they’re famous people, of course. I also edit out any silly trivial stuff I don’t think needs to be there and clarify anything I think is poorly written. Still find typos at times, too. It would be nice if Andy eventually read through all the entries from 1987 till now to catch anything I might’ve missed, but if he thinks my stories are too long, he certainly wouldn’t want to read a 26-year-long journal!

Later…

Ended up chatting with Tammy for about an hour. LOL, getting off the phone from her is like prying a grilled cheese sandwich apart. That woman could gab all day and all night.

Despite all her aches, pains, and gripes, I do understand her frustrations. Not gonna share most of what we discussed publicly, though, due to all the sensitives out there. Too many people are pro-black and while I have the right to be me, I also don’t want to upset people either. So most of this will remain between close friends. Even they love blacks, LOL, but they know how I feel and why I feel the way I do, and they can handle it.

Some think my feelings towards blacks soured after they sought legal vengeance upon me in Arizona and wreaked havoc on my life and that of my husband, but it was actually the L.A. Riots that started to change my feelings. That was when I said, “Whoa, wait a minute now. Being pissed is one thing. Going around and taking it out on innocent people who had NOTHING to do with the pigs getting away with being Rodney King is another. If they wanted to attack someone, the officers should’ve been the ones they went after. THEY were the ones that were guilty. But when I watched with shame, disgust and sadness as they beat innocent people, destroyed property, and looted stores like crazy, I felt nothing but contempt.

Then the shit with OJ went down and then Michael Jackson got away with what I totally believe was indeed child molestation and the race card became the hip thing to play. Then what happened to me happened, then similar things to numerous other whites, and well, what do you expect folks? For me to pat them on the back and say, “Good job, guys, good job?”

While I feel terrible for those who were indeed honest-to-God slaves from way back when and for those who are hard-working, fair, and honest yet have truly been discriminated against, I feel nothing but shame and contempt for them as a whole. They are constantly complaining, into drugs, into crime, living off of people’s hard-earned tax dollars, crying discrimination where it doesn’t exist, and using their race to get ahead no matter who gets hurt in the process. Yet 98% of the country just loves them and is quick to make excuses for every little thing they do.

What. The. Fuck?

So that was part of today’s chat; how much she can’t stand blacks and seeing them on welfare while wearing these thick gold chains and driving fancy cars and all the other shit most of them pull. She’s pretty safe from them being out in the country, but she reads the news. She knows what’s going on in the cities around her, most of which always involve blacks.

She also hates Muslims, another thing I can understand. As I told her, though, some of the country will be quick to agree with her Muzzie gripes, but you’re not going to get much sympathy where blacks are concerned. Complain about them and blacks and whites alike want to kill you for it while they make one excuse after another for their behavior. “Oh, but they had it rough when they were slaves,” etc.

So did some of my ancestors when they were fried in concentration camps. But that doesn’t give me the right to slap the lady across the street just because of what someone else did who isn’t even alive anymore.

I don’t understand why people don’t see it, I told her, but things have been the way they are with blacks for many years now and I don’t see anyone putting their foot down any time soon. They acknowledge the Muzzies but they don’t see how many blacks are causing so much mayhem and misery despite the fact that we’re living in a time when more doors and opportunities are open to them than they are to whites.

I guess now she even hates Chinese people because a bunch of Chinese immigrants is being brought over from China to work in Indian-owned casinos there. I asked why they can’t just hire Americans and I guess it has to do with being Indian-owned and operated and out of the government’s hands. The government gave the Indians some land after taking theirs, so on top of their reservations, I guess their casinos aren’t governed either, which makes sense. They sought sovereignty from the government. Wish we could get sovereignty from the fuckers too, and that we too, could be exempt from paying taxes.

I can understand her frustration with all the damn immigrants, legal and not. My husband wouldn’t have been on unemployment for so long if so many of them hadn’t flocked to the US and hogged our resources and jobs like they have.

She complains it’s hard to understand the various foreign accents when dealing with sales calls or when she’s running errands and things like that, and I guess some doctor pissed Sarah off, too. I don’t know what nationality she was, but she couldn’t understand a damn thing she said when she went in for medication for her seizure and the doctor kept telling her to go online and do some research, then let her know what medication she wanted. “But you’re the one who’s supposed to be telling me this,” she told the doctor.

Like it or not, America isn’t always about being “American,” and English-speaking? Well, that’s hit or miss. She hates it when she gets sales calls from someone in Pakistan and tells them to have an American call her back.

I used to have a hard time with foreign accents too, but learning lots of languages has helped because the brain gets used to hearing sounds it’s not used to hearing with just English. She said that may very well be true, but she shouldn’t be forced to learn Chinese like some teachers in school there are unless she’s going to live in China. I agree. Language learning should be for fun, business travel, or because you’re going to relocate to a country that speaks a language other than your own.

The Chinese have come to us. Let THEM learn English!

She said she feels the Cubans down in Florida are very hard working, but hates Puerto Ricans for their laziness. They did seem pretty lazy when I last lived in the East. Can’t deny that much. Even the Mexicans work harder, though many of them still prefer welfare.

Florida. That’s where she told me some things that made me go, really? It wasn’t the most shocking thing she told me. I’ll save that for last. She and Mark are hoping to sell out in about 4 years when he retires and take their remodeling business down to Florida, which friends of theirs (though she admits they’re more like acquaintances) say should do better down there. I think it would too, since it’s a warmer climate. Depending on the economy I think they could get at least a quarter mil for their place. It’s a beautiful huge house on a 3-acre parcel.

The shocking thing is that she says (and Tom confirms this) that Florida’s much cheaper. Food, gas, the cost of living… everything. For some reason, I thought Florida was a very expensive state just like Cali. They must make less money there, though. Still, you never know, I told her, we may meet up there when Tom retires, but who knows what the state will be like by then or what will be going on in our lives?

Still… having family close by (even though Tammy can be a bitch) and the ocean, more rain, warmer winters, cool storms… the idea is appealing so long as a hurricane doesn’t go wiping us out. The humidity would suck too, but it’d be good for my hair and skin. It would be nice, if we really ever did make another long-distance move, to have someone we know waiting for us there. When we moved to Oregon and then to Cali, we didn’t know a soul.

She doesn’t know if they’ll get a condo or a separate dwelling, but she swears that she never heard a damn thing (other than landscaping) while she was there and she was there for months. She said the only thing you might hear is sirens on the highway. Those places would be built on concrete slab foundations so that would help any vibrant sounds, I suppose, like heavy footsteps. But no cabinets or door slamming? Wow. No TVs or music? Wow again.

Tammy is so different yet so the same. She is more positive towards me and encouraging and I don’t doubt that she’d help us in any way she could. She still has a vengeful side, though, and that’s a little scary. I don’t know the details but they used to be friends with a couple and I guess the guy was a well-known politician in the area. They got into it about who knows what and I guess the guy wrote some very mean things about her that really hurt. The guy supposedly called them swearing and making threats and then she called the cops. She admitted that if she could anonymously screw him over, she would. Yeah, that’s Tammy for you, though I think most of us would screw people that burned us bad enough if it were that simple. I just don’t think many people would admit this.

I kind of like to face my opponents out in the open when necessary as I did with the paper that slandered the shit out of me without even investigating any of the tall tales told to it. I emailed them long after I was vindicated (so they would see I wasn’t trying to gain anything from it) and told them to do a little digging. I don’t know if this was before or after the welfare bum’s black pig pal was booted from the force, but the point is that I told the paper, “You think I’m the only one? Well, just like a rapist doesn’t usually rape just one person, corrupt cops don’t usually legally screw just one person either. Do some digging into him and his friends and you just may be surprised at what turns up.”

These people hate whites 10 times more than I could ever hate blacks, and their BEHAVIOR – not color – has earned them some pretty ill feelings on my part in which I make absolutely NO apologies for. I am utterly shameless and guiltless when it comes to my feelings towards blacks, Muslims and some Hispanics. Even the Italians piss me off at times with all their gay-bashing.

It’s ridiculous and totally unfair how whites are often passed over for jobs that are given to blacks with half the experience and performance quality, simply because their ancestors were unfairly denied this, this and that a million years ago. Oh, and you want that job your white coworker has? No problem. Just tell the boss she/he called you a racial slur and voila! It’s yours.

Anyway, I don’t know if Tom’s going to retire at 66 or 70, but I do know this much. One of 3 things is going to happen. We’re either going to stay here forever. We’re going to move to Florida. Or we’re going to leave the country altogether. I have no idea which one of these will happen as it’s way too far in the future to predict, but I do know this much – we’re not leaving this house till WE decide to or we grow old and die. Not when any evil, hateful God says. I have never felt better since I finally stood up to HIM and have gotten HIM out of my life. Maybe I should’ve done so years ago and said, “Look, I don’t know why you’ve always had it in for me and personally I don’t give a shit. We’re not going to take the shit you throw at us anymore, and WE’RE taking the reigns of our lives, not You!”

We have stood up to Him! We have defied Him! And we have won! Our lives may not be perfect, but we now live in the house He never wanted us to have. We have the money He never wanted us to have. And while the rest of the world is marveling in His presence or light or whatever they want to call it, I am grateful as hell for His absence. If things could stay the way they are for a while, I’d be thrilled.

The most shocking thing she told me was that a few years ago she was in Florida. She was sitting with Dad while Mom was having her hair done. “How could you let her do it?” she asked him. “How could you sit back and let the emotional, verbal and physical abuse go on? Do you really think Jodi was the way she was cuz she had nothing better to do?”

She said Dad then balled his eyes out like a baby, turned to her and said, “I am so, so sorry.”

I didn’t even know this! I thought he’d defend that bitch till his dying breath. She held his hand a while and they never spoke of it again after that.

I don’t know who I hate more when I think of every slap, kick and insult she threw at me, her or God. Just the names Dureen and God are enough to make me sick. shakes with rage

Now it’s time for some cleaning and cooking before I read myself to sleep in my warm, cozy house that has more space than we’ll ever know what to do with.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2013 Guess who finally got a period after nearly two months? It’s not much of one, though. Someone told me they didn’t get a period for four months when they started running, so yeah, between menopause and an athletic overhaul, I’d say there probably is a connection.

I looked at running apparel and found the prices to be outrageous. I’ll just stick to shorts, sweats, and tees. Not expecting much more in the way of inches or weight loss, but I can definitely quit worrying about what I eat and just eat when I’m hungry as long as I keep running! I love it! Still, get backaches at times but all my joint pain is gone.

The holidays really seem to bring out the worst in people. Online alone, I’m getting sick of dealing with people’s moods, insults, demands, and pushiness. I’ve pulled back a bit so as not to go on a major dumping spree. Keep it up, though, and some people are going to lose me. I understand the holidays can be a very stressful time, but still, I don’t need that kind of stuff in my life, you know? I don’t expect people to be in a good mood all the time, but if I can’t surround myself with positive, accepting, and more tolerant people, I’d rather just keep to myself. Besides, as I told Andy, I want to spend less time in the virtual world regardless of what’s going on in it, and more time in the real world. Now, we both love Ask and our picture game, but there simply isn’t a whole lot to update him on in just an hour or two. What can I say? I made a cup of coffee? I peed? LOL

I’ll still check in at least three times a day on Ask and once on Facebook, so it’s not like I’ll be dropping offline totally. The other sites vary depending on what’s going on.

Still looking forward to checking that painting class out at the clubhouse on Thursday and finding out just what it entails. Tom thinks you have to buy your own paints and canvases and that he’ll get me some since I’m good at it. LOL, that’s very sweet of him, but I haven’t done it in years (though I don’t see why I couldn’t now), and I’m not sure I want to get back into it. Painting is fun, but I like blogging and running more. So it’s a matter of priority, I guess. Still, it would add a nice mix of variety as long as it’s something I truly like and am interested in.

I totally dread going out in the freezing temps, but at around 7 am I’m going out for my run. I could stay indoors and run on the treadmill, but that is just so darn boring to me lately. Haven’t had any cramps yet but running could change that. Therefore, instead of doing my usual 14 blocks down to the gate and back, I may just circle the block. That way, I stay close to home in case cramps or the cold get to me. I’ll be bundled up in a ski jacket and gloves. Wish I had knee-high socks to keep the cold from creeping up my pant legs and freezing my shins. Oh well. Could be worse like up in Oregon. These temps are rare and short-lived, thank goodness. Just gotta make the best of it for now and remind myself that I’ll spend most of the year sweating out there.

We got an action camera that also works underwater. Sometime I can wear the camera around my neck and film my run, though that may be boring to most people.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2013 Last night's dreams were better than going Lorena Bobbitt on Tom. I showed someone how I could touch my nose to my knee. In reality, I'm about 3" from touching my nose to my knee, but that's the third "skinny" dream I’ve had since moving in here. Any dream psychic will tell you that recurring dreams are often signs, though I don’t ever expect to literally be skinny. At this point, additional weight/inch loss is strictly a bonus. I don’t mind staying big. I just don’t ever want to return to the 150s. It's very hard to get around up there at my height.

But even though I’m not dieting, I am still losing weight. When I woke up, I stretched, yawned, and casually rested my arm across my stomach. "I’m thinner," I thought to myself. That’s another thing about being short; just a slight gain or loss and you notice it. Well, scales aren't always accurate but measuring tapes are, and I'm now down from a 38” or 39” waist to a 34”. Wow! I didn’t expect that. Ideally, I should be 24” - 28”, but 34” isn’t that big a nightmare.

It's gotta be the running, though, because I haven't been dieting at all. Running is very serious business, and a lot of people don't realize it until they get into it. It's one of the best forms of cardio, and it usually takes months of training just to be able to do half a mile. I'm still surprised at the loss of inches because, running my ass off or not, I'm still older and I'm still female.

Since the camera always adds a few pounds and I’ve come down a bit since Andy last saw pics of me, I don’t doubt that he and I would both agree we didn’t look as big if we could see each other in person, even if we also could see we were far from skinny.

I noticed my ass and gut don't stick out as much as they used to when I caught my profile in the mirror. Maybe someday I'll get my washboard abs back, but I’m just glad I’m fit and healthy. My poor sister, though, is still bedridden and in a lot of pain. She has a beautiful bedroom, she says, but the walls are closing in on her. Hell, I’d go stir-crazy immobilized like that, AND I’d gain a ton of weight! I know for a fact I’d go back to a slow steady gain of 2-4 pounds a month if I couldn’t run or do other forms of cardio.

Speed control gets harder as you become more fit but is VERY important. You train your body to run, and that's exactly what it wants to do—run! But if you start off too fast, you could burn out and be at risk for injury. My foot came down in a way the other day that could've very well caused injury had I not had strong ankles.

People say just running to the next room to get the phone leaves them winded, but that’s a different kind of running. To get the phone, you’re usually running as fast as you can. On the streets, running our fastest is unnecessary and excessive and just not sustainable as it is if we just barely break into a run. I keep it at a comfy 3.5 MPH. This way, my heart and muscles are working, but not overdoing it either, and I can go 30-60 min.

I’ll be out there at night in the summertime as I’m not running with no 108° sun beating down on me.

You don’t have to stuff yourself first, but never run on an empty stomach! A car needs gas to run and so do you. Running on an empty stomach can cause dizziness, and you may even pass out. I don’t count calories, but I try to go easy on the sugar and starches. Tonight was strength-training night – arms and abs.

Haven't had a period since mid-October. Tom said all the running could also have a part in throwing off my hormone levels, as athletes often don’t have periods at all. It's hardcore exercise, alright, that seems humanly impossible for beginners even at slow speeds. Start with indoor stationary jogging if you do get into it. Damn, shakes head in remembrance there was once a time I couldn't do 5 minutes of stationary.

As I’ve done numerous times since 2010, I’m really questioning my friendship with Andy and just how much he truly cares about me. There’s just no appeasing this guy. He always, always has a problem with me. Don’t know how much more I can take before I get fed up and walk away. His life may have changed dramatically as far as his activities, income, job, and living arrangements go, but he’s still the same old person. Same old judgmental, immature, moody whiner I’ve always known him to be. Who the heck is he kidding when he harps on me for not trusting people enough to have more in-person friends? He has his own trust issues. Think he’s alone for the fun of it? He may enjoy his solitude, but at the same time, he doesn’t have a boyfriend because he can’t trust anyone. He wouldn’t trust a darn thing the guy said or did, and he knows it. Yet he doesn’t get why I don’t have in-person friends?

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2013 Sick of seeing ads begging for money for kids in other countries. Isn't it the parents' responsibility to provide food, education, and clothing for their children? And why should this country be expected to foot the bill when we have enough poverty right here at home? If you can't afford children, don't have them!

Scales aren’t always accurate, but measuring tapes are. Down to a 35” waist. I suppose that’s not too bad for 48 years old, but it’s certainly not ideal either; something like 24” or even up to 28” would be better. Guess what, though? Yup, you got it. It’s the weekend, and I’m treating myself, which means 35” is as good as it gets. :) I think I’ll bake a small batch of chocolate chip cookies and split them with Tom this time around. And the rats, of course.

Went for a midnight test run, and OMG was it cold! My shins and face felt like ice, even though I had long pants on. I dug out the ski jacket I used to wear in Oregon from the closet, thinking I wouldn’t even be able to get into it with how heavy I am now, but believe it or not, I did manage to zip it up. Barely, but I did. I also found my knit gloves in their pockets too. Didn’t realize I still had these. Instead of going for a long-distance run like down to the front gate, I just circled the block to see what it was like at night, and I could see plenty well enough. Between the street lights and the way so many people light up their houses at night, it’ll probably be easier to see any cars backing out at night than in the daytime, not that I expect people to be leaving at midnight here. Morning, noon, midnight—it's the only way to prevent the inches from going from 35 to 40, 45, 50, 55…

Poor Tom. Just one more day off, then it’s back to work. I think another reason he’s not so eager to socialize much outside of work is not only due to the lack of free time but also after dealing with tons of people for 8-10 hours a day, half of whom are idiots, that’s all the more reason to value his solitude. He's still looking forward to the company bowling party.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2013 I still can’t believe Alison would prefer to be friends with someone like Kim more than me, but that’s her prerogative.

Also, I think, but I'm not sure, the block is preventing Molly from accessing LiveJournal. Her hits are registering, but no time is being recorded, so I'm guessing she's probably being redirected after a few seconds.

I'm not sure which I dislike being on more, nights or days. Nighttime is more peaceful, but I don’t want to run in the cold. I don’t mind the dark, but I do mind the cold. It'll be interesting to see if running is more difficult once I finally get back out there. If it is, then I need to stop using the weather as an excuse and just get out there, since the treadmill has become really boring. After all, people run in worse climates than this. They have to deal with much more rain and even snow and ice.

I had the strangest dream EVER. I cut off Tom's penis while he was asleep, hid it in the toilet tank, then giggled to myself as I wrote a note telling him to see if he could find it when he woke up.

What the heck?

Got my three 6-foot, triple-head trees today and can see why someone recommended unwrapping them outdoors. Parts of them are wrapped in burlap, which is utterly ridiculous as plastic would've been enough, and it makes a mess as you pull it open.

It's right at freezing now. After I make the grocery list, I'll decide if I want to go out for a run or not, but since I usually only work out every other day since all I care about is maintaining my weight and not gaining more at this point, I probably won’t.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2013 If all goes well, Molly will no longer be able to view my LiveJournal blog. I found another IP-banning site, but am not sure I placed the code in the correct spot. This one let me redirect her to the site of my choosing and so she’s going to check out sex dolls if it works. LOL

Can’t decide if I want to keep my Twitter account or not. I do tweet sometimes, but mostly it’s just tweeting stuff that’s being auto-sent to it from LiveJournal or Ask.

I did shut down on MyOpera, though, since the site’s shutting down soon anyway and I don’t use it. It was a fun 2 ½ years.

Alison said they were missing Tumblr. Hmm… never really cared for that one much, though blocking and tracking is easier there. Maybe someday I’ll create a new account there.

I asked Andy about his Facebook habits trying to get a sense of how his account differs from mine. I stopped checking the homepage thoroughly due to spam, ads, offers and “like” suggestions galore littering the feed. I’m suspecting one of the apps I stupidly signed up for was corrupt and that’s why. I just don’t know how to undo it. I’ve got a gazillion apps in my app section.

The PMS ebbed off a bit, then came flooding back with a vengeance. I want to get a period at the same time I don’t if it’s going to relieve my symptoms.

Romeo has become like a whole new rat. He was always timid and never wanted to interact with me outside of the cage. But earlier BOTH rats were climbing all over me. He still bites, of course, and I still have to tell him to stop when he starts getting rough. All rats nip playfully, but this one doesn’t know his own strength. He could practically shave my legs with the way his teeth were scraping against my skin preening it. Still, I think winning that toy for him was a great thing. Sugar isn’t interested in it. He’d rather chase me. But Romeo just loves it even if I’m now finding a scattering of feathers all over the place.

I am never ever going to go contact papering again. How I managed to get the wall silhouettes on is beyond me. You’d think papering shelves and drawers should be simple, but I just had to fuck it up every which way. I measured wrong, I couldn’t align the paper straight, I got air bubbles…

I told Nane she needs to fly in from Germany and finish the job for me. She needs to visit Cali anyway. One of her brothers “liked” that and I was surprised he could see it since that post was friends-only and he’s not currently added. Maybe cuz I tagged her in it?

Think I’ll go check there now. I’m sure Sarah will be in any sec now with her usual affirmations, sisterly love, and praise for her wife/child-beating father.

Later…

I’m writing this in Word till I can post it online. I don’t know why but I can’t get online right now. Probably just normal outages due to the wind and rain, although it says I am indeed connected. Maybe I bumped a wire or something, though I was on earlier and all was fine. Figures Tom had to go to bed, so if the problem doesn’t work itself out soon enough, I’ll have to wait till he’s awake cuz I can’t think of anything else I can do. It’s going to be a long boring night if I can’t get online till morning, but I’m out cold. Like Auburn kind of cold. Really hope the code I installed in my LiveJournal blog wasn’t corrupt in any way. It was to block Molly since the other site only lets me block one site and it’s got her blocked on Blogger. Still don’t see how a code could knock me offline altogether, though, so it’s probably something in one of the wires running to my computer.

Oh, ok, I’m back online now. I just needed to restart my computer. Even Macs need to be rebooted every now and then so they can update software and reset things. I’m back up to speed, too.

Anyway, the Molly blocker appears to work great. She shouldn’t be sticking her nose into my business any more than I should have hers or ever will again, and this will help make sure that that’s just what she does – keep her nose out of my business. We’re not friends. We never will be. She doesn’t need to know what’s going on with me. I don’t need to know what’s going on with her.

We got tons of seafood from Sam’s Club. Breaded butterfly shrimp, beer-battered cod, shrimp scampi, and snow crabs imported from Russia. These guys were BIG when they were alive! My first thought was that it’d be too much work for too little meat. They’re actually fairly meaty enough, but a lot of work. They’re precooked and all you need to do is heat them up, but you spend more time busting shells than eating meat. The rats, of course, love gnawing on the shells.

Anyway, the snow levels are to get down as low as 500’ tonight. Glad we’re not still in Auburn at 1000’ and are down at a safe 230’. It’s rainy and windy out there now. I feel bad for all the homeless people out there tonight. Not the ones who were dumb enough to throw their lives away to drugs and booze, but the ones who truly fell prey to circumstances beyond their control. The circumstances that many of us like to think don’t exist till we’re forced to learn the hard way that yeah, they sometimes do, and no, we’re not always able to be in the driver’s seat of our lives and we don’t always have as much “free will” as we’d like to think we do. But Tom and Jodi S have survived! And I thank goodness we’re in a warm, dry home with plenty of space, food and money. I’m very grateful to have the love of family and good friends who are always there for me. I may never again see the ones I’ve met in the past and I may never meet the ones I haven’t, but they’re there.

I hope Andy’s not too sick. Sleep disorder or not his schedule’s always been way more predictable than mine. He went to bed pretty early after providing me with some, well, graphic details.

Back on Facebook on Monday, since I’m not usually in on weekends. I don’t expect to hear from anyone in particular till then anyway.

The only thing keeping the layout of this house from being perfect are two simple walls. We got to talking about it, and how nice it’d be to split our giant living room in half so I could have a small, cozy little office with enough space for my desk and just what I need in there. I don’t like having my office be part of the living room and I don’t always like having the rats in my office either with all the racket they like to make.

If you step inside the workshop you will see that the walls go up to meet the carport roof but don’t actually support anything. So applying the same idea in here shouldn’t be too hard. They don’t need to be thick and they don’t need to support anything. They would also provide more wall space for wall decals. As huge as our living room is, there isn’t much wall space with 8 humungous windows, the desk and the huge TV.

We’ve got lots of plans for this place over the upcoming years from carpet to garages and new toilets to new furniture.

We’re about 7 weeks from Hawaii now! Gotta get luggage soon, and I’ve begun making a list of things to do and get. Wanna remember to take people’s addresses of those I plan to send postcards to and things like that. Even though we’ll probably only use the luggage once, I’m glad they have more variety in colors now. When all they had was black, gray, red and blue, yours didn’t stand out very well when you’d be waiting to pick it up in the luggage claim area.

The dishwasher has a slight leak. Of course. rolls eyes But even though it’s under warranty all they’d do is fix the gasket that’s leaking and not replace it altogether. It’s ancient and rusty. Might even be the original, which means it’s 30 years old. So it’s definitely time for an upgrade.

Tom gets points and bonuses at work. Some are cash and some are points that can be used for time off or gift cards. Since he already has a lot of time off and doesn’t want to use it unless he’s sick or we have something special going on (like getting carpet installed), he opted for cards. So now we have $50 in Target credit and $150 in Walmart credit.

Life is good. :)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2013 Nane posted a pink vanity table to my wall as my Geburtstagsgeschenk. :) I’m glad she’s got a keen eye and is so observant because I didn’t even notice that the dresser drawers of our non-virtual dresser were messed up. Tom’s using the one with the rub-on transfer and he accidentally put 2 drawers in the wrong spots.

I was surprised cousin Deb wished me a happy birthday, but not surprised cousins Michelle and Sharyn didn’t. They’re relatives but not family. I think Sharyn never really cared for me and Michelle is turned off by the fact that I don’t feel bad for today’s blacks and that I don’t see all this “racial oppression” she speaks of. She’s never actually said anything negative, so she could just be one of those who start off friendly, then drifts away like some people do.

I thought my nieces weren’t going to wish me a happy birthday. Sarah started off with her usual “be yourself” and “I love my sister” and “I have the most wonderful daddy cuz he got me a remote starter for my car.”

Yeah, abusive guys rock, don’t they? And how come there are never any posts praising Mommy?

Tom said they’re not that bright and probably wouldn’t notice my birthday if it was right in front of them, but they surprised me later on after all.

I got a cute rodent “card” from Nane and several other wishes and posts from Andy, Tammy, Adonis and others. Still pissed that the trolls’ and Aly’s shit nearly caused me to dump Adonis, but if there’s anything I learned it’s to treat people online like I would in person. If I wouldn’t want to meet with you in real life, I’m not going to any of your accounts. Really want to figure out how to block Molly from LiveJournal but am not sure where to put the code.

Later…

Alison emailed me saying she decided to stop going to my blogs but we could keep in touch by email. But she was in my Blogger blog today.

She’s also dumping one of her Twitter accounts and thinking of rejoining Tumblr. I can’t keep up with all this girl’s accounts! Maybe that’s the idea, though.

We were right to leave Arizona, but why oh why didn’t we go to Florida? I had strange and negative dreams all night (or day in my current case) that woke me up constantly, and one of them included snow. We threw it all away and dumped our home and our lives here for a warmer place (San Diego?) and were renting dumpy houses again. The noise was horrible. Screaming kids and barking dogs galore. Tom came home at night from work (why does he always work nights in my dreams?) and when I opened the door to greet him, I was shocked – and horrified – to see a few inches of snow on the ground. I wept with misery, wishing we could come back here and thinking that even the Jes pest was better than where we were.

In reality, we’d never throw our lives away like that. If we ever really do move it won’t be till he retires. We’d make it just fine if he retired at 62, but we’ll be more than just fine if he holds out till 70.

Also, in reality, they’ve got snow mixed in with rain for Saturday! WTF? Just WTF?!?! Tom discovered this weather update after I had the dream and was up and telling him about it. I am NOT going to be out there running in the snow! I’m not!

I have tried and tried to please others, but I’m only good at being me just like John Mayer is only good at being young. Or so he says in one of his songs. There is a saying about how good friends don’t insult friends (like sending them pics of blacks proudly faulting a piece of paper over a white person’s head that says race card, which isn’t exactly a thrilling reminder for me or for others who have been a victim of reverse discrimination. Like sending a rape victim a pic of a woman being raped) and how they accept us as we are without trying to control and change us. Well, I’m done trying to please this one and please that one. If we were all meant to be the same, we would be. But if it’s that important to you to have friends you “approve” of and that you can relate to, it’d be just as easy to walk away from me and go get them as it would be for me to walk away from you and continue being my merry little self.

No, this isn’t aimed at anyone in particular, just like last time, but being sad for those who are happy and not harming themselves or anyone else is like crying for someone’s cancer that they simply don’t have.

“But I’m just trying to understand,” some people insist. Really? Or are they just trying to change and control? Then they craftily turn the tables and make it look like you were the problem when they finally get fed up enough to dump you.

Well, I’m not looking to dump anyone that I currently know; just avoid and ignore those I dislike. It’s easier to forgive someone who can admit they made a mistake and apologize as opposed to those who go into denial and always turn the tables on you. Some people are such bad liars they will literally slap you in the face and be like, what? I didn’t slap you! Yeah, I’m not short either.

A good 95% of the shit I’ve had to put up with online was on account of the same damn few people. sad sigh So fucking old.

Ended up napping for an hour last night. It was nice to do in my warm cozy bed while it was so fucking cold out there. The cold I felt when taking the trash out early in the morning was positively numbing.

My squirrel figurine arrived and it’s so cute. :) So did Jade’s socks. I ordered what I thought were 2 pairs of toddler socks for my 32” porcelain doll, but got 6 instead. She’s now wearing white socks with colorful polka dots around the ankle cuffs.

Tom loves the shelves he got at Sam’s Club. On the 10th they’re doing another bulk pickup, so he’s going to get rid of what they left behind that he doesn’t want so he can finally have room enough in there to arrange it how he wants. It’s a pretty good size workshop, too.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2013 Two days private and I miss being public already and seeing who comes around, haha. I decided to go two and two. I remained private on my-diary and LiveJournal but opened my Blogger and Prosebox blogs back up.

I’m going to try to be pickier about what I say in public in general. I don’t care if I get comments or not, but I get sick of looking at a dead tracker. Would prefer it if the eyes of those I don’t care for would mind their own business but if I’m found on Prosebox (if I haven’t been already), then oh well.

It is so fucking cold out there that I bumped the heat up to 72°. I usually keep it at 70° in the winter and 80° in the summer, but since I’m going to be on nights I’m going to warm it up during those hours. If I were asleep under my heavy blanket, then no. As soon as I crash in a few hours it’s getting dropped back to 70°. It sucks, though, as I am simply not used to this kind of cold. They’re saying it could even get into the 20s tomorrow night – ugh! But look at Klamath Falls, Oregon. It makes Massachusetts seem toasty warm. It’s why we only lived there for 3 years.

After sleeping in late tomorrow, I’m looking forward to a fun birthday with lots of good food, fun and relaxation. It’s going to be a selfish ‘do what Jodi wants to do’ day. :)

Later…

Had, and am still having, a great birthday, though I didn’t sleep in as late as I thought I would. I know I said I’d skip my run today, but that was easier said than done. It’s making me feel too good to slack off now. My flexibility and energy levels are increasing big time. I even lost a few pounds, though I don’t expect much change there cuz I don’t diet anymore. I want to run a couple of miles every other day regardless. I’m focusing more on exercise lately than diet (I'm in my comfort zone of 1500 cals a day), but at this point, the numbers on the scale and measuring tape are just bonuses. I LOVE the way it makes me feel and that's more important. I hate it when I can't sit down on the floor and get up in one swift fluid motion. If you can't do that, you're not in shape or something's wrong.

Maybe I’ll even try Carol Maggio’s Facercise sometime and see if it really works. According to her, if we exercise our 52 facial muscles, we can tighten droopy necks and jowls, slim faces and more. There’s an exercise that also makes the eyes look more open. As we age the skin around our eyes tends to sag, making us look tired and like we’re squinting. I’ve noticed this on myself. I have been known to have large eyes, but in my last set of pictures, I was like hey, why are my eyes half-closed? My wide cheekbones have always given my face a full appearance even at 100 pounds, but oh well. Can’t win ‘em all.

So I got up and Tom arrived shortly after with some bulk items from Sam’s Club and our KFC. He hates chicken, but he got a chilidog right next door. He got me a bucket of 10 pieces of chicken, a container of biscuits, mac and cheese, and potato wedges. He had some of everything but the chicken. He also got a chocolate chip cake. I was dressed and ready to run, but decided I’d have a bite first. That “bite” turned out to be a whopping 5 pieces of chicken and half a biscuit! Didn’t realize I was that hungry.

By 4pm I was out the door in 50° weather for my jog. I jogged all 14 blocks to the tire spikes at the front gate. :) I mostly walked back. I studied a map of the park, which I feel comfortable enough with now. Meaning, I’m sure I could find my way home no matter where in the park I was. There are only about 20 streets here. As I get stronger and in better shape, I’m going to want a longer route. But looping around the park actually looks to be a shorter route than doubling back. Also, my route is safer because it’s along the perimeter and I don’t have side streets on both sides of me. As Tom said, we live with old people, half of whom can’t drive, so you have to be careful. Someone got a little close to me today and I was thinking, you have all that space over there. Why you leaning in on me?

I didn’t even let the group of turkeys deter me that I sometimes see here and there. I wouldn’t back down from a grown man, so why would I from something that weighs 40-50 pounds? I never heard of any turkey attacks, and Tom says they’re not aggressive.

Hazel was sweeping away, as usual, and we chatted for a few minutes. She wished me a happy birthday and said I don’t look my age. It’s a good thing she’s too out of it to ask how the hell I knew her name. It was Ron and that other lady at the lake that mentioned her name.

By the time I returned, it was 46°. Before 10pm we hit freezing. :( Freezing or not, I love how I am able to get outdoors more often here. There was nothing stopping me in other places, but still… I had potentially dangerous people in Phoenix, rattlesnakes in Maricopa, loose dogs in Oregon, along with skunks and the slight, but real possibility of bears in Auburn. Online and outside of the park, I don’t care who/what you are. I have friends of many countries, colors, races, religions and sexual orientations online and that’s fine. Now call me racist and very un-American sounding if you must, but I love living with my fellow aging whities. I don’t know that everyone’s “white,” though. I mean there may be some Hispanics as they have just as much right as anyone else to be here, but hip or not, I love knowing no outdoor dogs, kids, college animals or welfare bums can live here. The landscaping may be annoying, but everything always looks so gorgeous. They don’t even allow single-wides in here and everything must be 1977-made and newer, built like regular houses.

It’s amazing how far I’ve come with the running. One of the biggest mistakes people make, as I once did, is they run too fast when they first start out. This causes you to burn out too fast and puts you at risk of cramps and injury. When you first start out your calves burn so bad, you feel like you can’t catch your breath, and you swear it’s not humanly possible to run very far. But it is! Just start with stationary running indoors to build those calves up. That’s the first and most important thing is getting those calves and ankles strengthened.

Although outdoor running means I could twist an ankle easier if I’m not careful and don’t watch where I’m going, I find it way less boring than the treadmill. The treadmill was boring me even with TV, music or the Kindle set up on it. And once I reach my destination (the front gate) I can’t give up and say I don’t want to continue on cuz I gotta get back home after all.

I noticed that in white paint at the edge of the street they wrote USA. Do they think we're so old and so far gone here that we forget what country we're in??? Well, I may roll my eyes at some of the shit I used to do that I once found hilarious which I now find silly or mean – prank calls, egging vehicles, leaving gum in all the wrong places, but the prankster in me that still lives on wished she had matching paint so every 20 feet or so she could add another country… Germany… Spain… Australia… Brazil… LOL…

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2013 Tick-tock goes the final hours of my 47th year.

A shark bit some guy’s foot off while he was visiting Maui, and a German lady was killed several months ago while snorkeling. Supposedly, it's highly unusual to have two shark attacks in the same year. No, it’s not going to scare me if we decide to go snorkeling.

No hip or leg pain today after yesterday’s semi-fierce run, but today I got up too late to go out there. It’s way too cold and windy. Instead, I got my workout in the form of housecleaning and playing with the rats. Definitely getting pretty fit again, and when I say “fit,” I mean for a 48-year-old, not a 20-year-old. Still no desire to actively lose weight, but if I did, a 40-pound loss would be ideal, while a 30-pound loss would be sufficient. My waist is down from 38 to 35, but that’s still a good 10 inches more than I should have.

I have no idea what the hell’s going on with my period, or lack of it, but I can only guess menopause is slowly setting in. The water retention has gone down quite a bit. It will be interesting to see if I get a period this month.

I’ll be stuffing myself tomorrow with KFC. :) I love that stuff. I limit my fast food to once or twice a month, but tomorrow I won’t be working or working out at all. First, the birthday girl will be sleeping most of the day away since I’m on nights right now, then it’ll be nothing but food, fun, writing, movies, and music.

While I still don’t appreciate people trying to push their lifestyle on me or complain about mine, I totally hear Andy when he points out that in-person friends can do things cyber friends can’t. Cyber friends just aren’t real. I mean, of course they’re real people with real lives and real feelings and real interests and all that, but they can’t give you a ride if you need one or throw you a birthday party.

At the same time, I feel confident that if we ever needed anything, Bob and Virginia next door would be quick to help out. This isn’t like a regular neighborhood. Think Virginia would’ve come out, introduced herself to Tom that day she saw him going to the mailbox, then told him they were going on vacation and not to think anything was wrong if this was the mainstream? You might do that in a regular community after you’ve known your neighbor a while, but not a few months after they moved in. There are other people as well who would help us in ways like that if we needed it, so don’t think we’re totally helpless.

As for throwing me a birthday party? LOL, that’s really sweet, but at my age, birthday parties simply don’t mean what they do when we’re younger. Just throw the food at me, give me a back massage or a foot massage or something like that, and I’m in heaven. :)

Speaking of Bob, Tom chatted with him earlier on the way to pick up the mail. He was stringing Christmas lights.

On the 17th, Tom’s department is being treated to bowling, free food, and the chance to win things in raffles. Wish I could go with him. Not just for the free food and raffles (bowling I could take or leave, though it’s better than tennis), but to meet his coworkers. They’re not allowed to bring anybody, though. It’s their own private company party.

Got a birthday card from Eileen. So nice of her. :) She always remembers me.

Picked out some crockpot recipes I’ll want to try and Zudded my mugs. Zud is the only product that dissolves coffee and tea stains from mugs in seconds.

We’re going to hit freezing tonight and are at our coldest. Wish it was May, but would settle for March. We reversed the fan in the living room where the cathedral ceilings are to push the warmer air down.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2013 I’m going to express myself freely in this journal entry but limit what parts of it I share with others. I just don’t want to offend anyone or be misunderstood. This entry is NOT aimed at anyone in particular, but just those I’ve dealt with in general. I know some people think I’m “not accepting” their opinion, but that’s not the issue. I can promise you that much. It’s when I feel like one is trying to control and change me and when they can’t just love/like and accept me as I am that I have a problem. Lecturing someone about the dangers of smoking I can see. But harmless, mundane shit that makes them happy?

I honestly don’t get how the hell Alison would want to be friends with Kim and Molly, for example, and even she told me earlier tonight that she understands that her thought process is rather complicated and she can totally see why I don’t get why she’d want to associate with delusional liars that have caused her and others so much grief. BUT… that is HER right. I’m not going to try to talk her out of or harp on it for hours and make her feel like I’m trying to push her into dumping them or like she’s wrong to be the way she is. What works for some doesn’t work for everyone. Furthermore, it’s not important. Her health and happiness are what’s important. She said she sometimes feels the need to have crazy, selfish, weird, demanding friends same as normal ones, and hey, that’s her right.

There are a lot of things I don’t understand. I can’t imagine having 4 kids for the life of me. I can’t imagine being a poor oppressed woman with little to no rights in the Middle East forced to marry a stranger and be nothing but a sex toy.

Why do people like porn? Why do people think God is good? Why do people support groups of people that are a menace to society? I could go on and on with all I don’t get, and while I’m not afraid to express my opinion I’m not about to try to push my ways on anyone either and rub shit in their faces I know they’re either not interested in or don’t want to hear. As long as people are happy and no one’s getting hurt in the process I try to live and let live. Now if you find it fun as hell to let your dog bark at my expense or to let your kids tear up our place, then I don’t care how happy you may be. I’m drawing the line at that point.

I realize I just can’t be a universal people-pleaser. For a while, I tried to be what others wanted me to be because I hate to see people sad or uncomfortable in any way. I want those I care about to be happy, and when you’re raised with the kind of control freak I was raised by who was obsessed as hell with “normal,” you become overly eager to please. Through time I learned to live my life for me and then for both Tom and I. Is that selfish? Maybe so. Is that wrong? Probably. But if it feels right to us and it works for us and it makes us happy, we see no need to change things, but that does NOT mean we’re not open to possible change either. LOL, I swear we aren’t. We don’t “refuse” to make friends, but we’re not going out of our way to either.

The next Thursday I’m available at 9:30 I’m going to take a walk down to the clubhouse to check out the painting class they have. If I make friends, fine. If I don’t, that’s fine too. I don’t have any set rules on that. The only “rules” I have is that I won’t keep those in my life that I feel are bringing me down in any way, and if that’s wrong too, so be it. I’m not going to feel guilty for purging my life of toxic people like Kim and Molly or apologize for it.

Ok, onto Alison and why I’ve chosen to set my journals private for a while. It’s not forever or anything like that, but just for a while. Then when I feel comfortable enough going public again, I’m going to stick to more generic things and keep personal things more to myself. I understand that what one accepts, someone else is going to have a problem with whether it’s something big or trivial as hell, though I’m sure people will always find something I write to complain about from the food I eat to the color of my walls. People like to criticize those they don’t get or who aren’t like them. I know this.

Another reason for going private for a while is because, well, I get tired of all the damn censoring. Did I remember to take out this one’s last name, did I remember to omit that one’s address? I want to write for me. Again, am I being selfish? Maybe so. But this is the way I want it for a while. I can’t offend people if I keep my big mouth shut, and people can’t use against me what info I don’t give them.

Alison emailed me and apologized for the things she did, admitted she’s not perfect and understands why I’m pissed at her, but to please keep her out of my blogs. I realize that my bitching about her in public like I did was indeed wrong. I shouldn’t have even gone to Andy with it, though she doesn’t know that. It wasn’t anyone’s business. It was between us and I should’ve kept it that way.

I’ve been offending people like crazy with big things and small things, important things, and non-important things. I don’t want to hurt or upset people anymore. At least not for a while. I want to write for me and not for the world. This way I can be as open and as honest as I can without having to restrict myself and watch what I say. A part of me almost misses the days before online blogging existed. I’m still going to keep the blogs going, regardless of whether they’re public or private because I enjoy all the different site features that I use (until they change) and I’m not gonna be private forever.

I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend to some people and that I can’t always be what they’d like me to be or think I should be, but I do try my best. Right now I want to be selfish with both my writing and my life so I have the writing freedom I miss, then I’ll share, and not so much as to conform to what others want, but to be a little more, IDK, normal?

Andy had me laughing my ass off when I described playing with Sugar and how he’d jump all over me and lavish me with kisses, saying that’d be traumatic to others. LOL, yeah, their worst nightmare come to life straight out of a horror movie.

Later…

I think a good time to go public again is when I finally get all the editing and copying done of old journals. I’m editing on MD and LJ, then copying to Blogger and PB.

Tom asked what I want to do on my birthday and I reminded him that he’s going to be working all day and I’m going to be sleeping all day. Most of it anyway. But he’s going to bring home a shitload of KFC for me, which will make me plenty happy enough. :)

We ordered about $250 worth of stuff on Amazon – a new phone for him, a set of 3 tropical trees for me, a squirrel with a nut in its mouth for my little animal collection, some pink floral contact paper for the boring orangy brown floral contact paper that’s in here, plus a few other things.

Each tree is one big branch with triple heads and two will go in the bedroom while one goes in the living room just as soon as I get pots for them.

All’s been quiet on Ask #1. Maybe Alison being friends with Kim and Molly is doing me a favor of sorts. Maybe it’s keeping them off my ass cuz they feel the need to behave and not stir me up so I don’t go whining to Aly about it and risking their friendship.

Anyway, she adamantly denies being behind the Karli account or copying Adonis’s writing style or pointing a finger at me, but does admit to leaving some comments in defense of Molly, despite agreeing that she deserves some of what she gets. Do I believe her? I’m not sure.

She insists she has had cancer and really does work for the FBI and wouldn’t use her hacking skills for her personal life. Do I believe her? Yes, I do.

Aly may have some strange ways and may not always be as honest as she should be, but she could never be as remotely fucked in the head as Kim and Molly. Never. Alison’s just one of those that’s hard to stay mad at for long. We’ve shared a lot since we met in 2008.

She said something about a whole shitload of stuff going on I don’t know about that has to do with money. She said not even her parents know the whole story and that her job is on the line. She said she’s afraid everyone would blame her and that she’ll look bad if the info gets into the wrong hands, which could make things harder for her. It’s in the Department of Labor now, whatever it is. Not sure what this has to do with anything, but hopefully it will all work out.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2013 "Andy doubts Alison is with the FBI," Tom informed me. "If she were, she wouldn’t associate with such crazy trolls."

These trolls have a history dating back to before Alison joined the FBI. They all met on kiwibox.com, where I also first encountered Alison. I met her in 2008, a few years after she connected with the others.

Despite Tom's skepticism about Alison's FBI affiliation, I'm inclined to believe she is. It's a gut feeling based on what I've observed and what she's disclosed to me. However, it does seem peculiar for an FBI analyst to have such unconventional friends, especially one who struggles to follow through on tasks like Alison does. I was excited about the prospect of us blogging together on Prosebox, but true to form, she abandoned the account after just one entry. Even her Kim M account only managed one post, and I've never read one of her stories in its entirety. She always promises to send more but never follows through. It seems she can't seem to finish anything she starts… unless that's part of the game.

Regardless, I've severed ties with her on as many accounts as I could think of. Now, she'll either move on and forget about me, or she'll cause trouble for me and eventually herself.

I paused typing to delve into some investigation of my own. Upon reflection, I'm now questioning whether Kim truly texted Molly as her. I suspect it was actually Aly herself. Why would Alison befriend someone capable of such deceit if she genuinely believed Kim had impersonated her?

It's no wonder she used her real name on the Twitter account I was connected to. Initially, I found it odd for someone supposedly stalked to do so, when it would have been just as easy to use an alias. But they're friends. She wanted to be found. While they may have had their disagreements and fallouts, she's likely been friends with both trolls for most of the time she's known them and likely always will be.

I stumbled upon screenshots on Photobucket of Molly's old Kiwibox accounts. I remember those accounts; the site was on its last legs when I learned of Molly's existence through posts on KB. She reached out to me after the site underwent ownership changes and became something entirely different. From the onset, I sensed something was amiss when she, a complete stranger, wanted to discuss being raped. She denied ever being on KB or being Alison's friend. I wasn't equipped to handle rape victims, and I could tell something wasn't right. Initially, I tried to extricate myself gently, then firmly, but nothing worked. On a scorching summer day in 2009, Molly ensnared me, becoming a tool to reach Aly, the object of her obsession.

I also met Kim and Kathy through Alison, not on KB. Every individual I've met through Alison has turned out to be utterly unhinged. I recently had a dream where Alison wanted to introduce me to someone, and I screamed, "NOOOOO!!!" I would indeed refuse. They'd be completely insane. I was likely the only sane friend she had, and now that I'm gone, she's adrift amidst a sea of madness, but it seems that's what she prefers.

Anyway, the screenshots mostly consisted of Molly lamenting in her journal about not having wronged Alison, Kim, and Kathy, then expressing regret for hurting them, etc. Will she take screenshots of my journals next? LOL. When you put something out there in the public, it's fair game.

I uncovered a slew of accounts on various social networking sites, as expected, but nothing particularly thrilling. I had forgotten about the old spring.me account until I stumbled upon hers. I was connected to that.

I hadn't realized she was much heavier than me. I'm pretty heavy now, in the 140s, but she isn't anymore if she genuinely underwent cancer treatment. I believe she did. Nonetheless, she used to be significantly larger. Despite that, she has a pleasant face and great hair. Her hair is probably her best feature. I wish I had straight hair like hers.

Anyway, I couldn't confirm whether she's with the FBI, but she is definitely AKP in the state of Nebraska and 32 years old.

I've been editing my own journals (the parts I posted online) to make them more readable for others. When I wrote them, I wrote solely for myself, never envisioning I'd share them with the world someday. Consequently, I often omitted details or explanations.

The Japanese anime dolls arrived from China the other day. They're unlike any dolls I've had before, more akin to miniature figurines. These are my first dolls since 2008, shortly after moving into the trailer.

Later…

From Mya: First of all, Alison isn't with the FBI because she wouldn’t have merely "thought" of calling Kim’s local police department or contacting Kim’s family; she would've taken action. The FBI holds significant authority, Jodi. Let go of the FBI idea. It was just another one of her tales. But should you really be discarding an otherwise good friendship? No one's perfect; we all tell little fibs here and there.

Mya is absolutely right. Look, I'm not perfect, and I've said and done things both online and offline that I shouldn't have. I don't deny that. I was the one who initially toyed with Molly on MO. But here's the thing, no one is that psychic. Alison KNEW it was me. The only way she could have known that would be to hack the site. I'm not saying she did hack in, but it definitely makes me wonder. How else could she have known? And as Mya pointed out, the only legitimate concern I should have is the possibility of being hacked, but that's a risk we all face. Anyone's account can be hacked by someone willing to risk jail, fines, and whatever else they may face for it, depending on local laws. I don’t worry she’ll hack my account to do anything malicious. She's not going to hack into my Facebook account to tell Nane I hate her. She might do things out of curiosity that she feels I wouldn't know about. Some of my accounts would be hard for her (or anyone) to hack without me knowing, but if she did manage to weasel into anything without tipping me off, I think it would be just to spy on me out of curiosity. I have nothing to hide, but I still don’t like the idea of anyone accessing my accounts without my permission. That's like someone entering my home without my consent.

Whether times were good or not, I can't continue being friends with someone who could lie to me as she has. It's not her association with the trolls that made me realize the good times aren't worth the high school drama that comes with it; it's the lies. Again, we all pull pranks, but on our friends? I was supposed to be her friend, and I'm sorry, but the kind of prank she pulled on me was just not friendly. She and Kim almost caused me to break up with Adonis over it, for God's sake. That alone really pisses me off. There are certain types of pranks you just don’t pull on your friends, you know? The kind of stuff she's pulled on me is usually reserved for those you don't like. But maybe she never really did like me, and she just pretended to, like Kim did. It's hard to believe, but anything's possible.

Anyway, it's the definite lies and the probable hacking that I have a problem with; not her choice of friends. Who people choose to have as friends and how many of them is up to them. I'm not concerned with that. But I am a bit concerned about those who seem to be worried about my own friend count. Why should it bother them? I just don't understand why they care. I'm happy this way. Get over it and accept me as I am. The more I'm hassled into being what others want me to be, the more I tend to pull away.

Andy said he's had friends he's never had disagreements with, and so have I, but what happened between Alison and me goes beyond a simple disagreement. A disagreement is when one says it’s hot while the other says it’s cold. This is about lies and deception. Also, we can't always know upfront who's going to end up wronging us.

I think I deserve better than liars and nutjobs, and I also don't appreciate being judged for how I choose to live. I'm not saying I am, but I'll be the one to decide who I'm friends with, whether it's online or offline. Got it? I'm not going to let others try to control and change me. I can't please the world, and I shouldn't have to. My health and happiness should be what's most important, and nothing else. If it's not, then maybe you're the one who's not happy, and maybe criticizing others makes you happy. I was criticized when I was miserable, and I'll be criticized when I'm happy. That's just life. The world is always going to be full of control freaks who expect us to conform to their liking. I could come back tomorrow and say, "Hey, everybody! I made new in-person friends, lost 30 pounds, and got a job," and then they would just find something else to feel “sad” about, even if it makes me (and Tom) happy. Well, guess what? I'm not going to take a “wish list” of everybody’s hopes and desires for me/us and become that list! Live with it or don’t have anything to do with me. Yes, yes, the color of your socks is very important to me, and I’m going to cry a bucket of tears if you tell me they’re gray! rolls eyes

It's not just about trust issues, though. It's true that part of my desire to keep the friends I have and not make new ones is because there are a lot of jerks out there. I don't want to get burned to the point where I become so insecure that I can't even trust my own husband or best friends when they tell me they have a headache or ate a pizza the day before.

Also, even if everyone were suddenly perfect, I simply have no desire to make new friends any more than I have the desire to take up golf. I have enough long-distance and mutual friends, and I can only divide my attention between so many people anyway. I would still prefer to make new friends that I had no mutual friends with than to do the friend-mixing thing if I absolutely had to choose. That can really, really be asking for trouble.

I don't expect any of my friends to be perfect, but I don't appreciate being lied to either. I'm not 100% sure Aly was behind the comments and accounts, but I'm pretty close. I'm in the upper 90s in that case. Too many coincidences, and I don't believe in coincidences. Another thing was the instant access to MO she claimed wasn't possible before. She told me she was using some crappy laptop that wouldn't let her on MO, but then she conveniently happened to be at work borrowing a coworker's laptop at the time I notified her of the Karli M account, and she was suddenly, miraculously able to see it. Wow, huh? Wow! And I should see the good side of her? Sorry, but she's blocking that side from view with a bit too much bad if you ask me.

I wonder just how closely she’s followed all my blogs, private and not. Honestly, I didn’t think she was that interested in it to follow it that often. I thought she just peeked in every now and then, as rarely did she show up on sites I can track. I really believed she was this incredibly busy person who spent little time online, but her Twitter account (she’s probably got it hidden by now) says otherwise. She’s online on and off all day and seems to have a lot of time on her hands. I don’t know if it’s with a friend’s device at work, a laptop, a desktop, or an iPhone, but online is online no matter how you get there.

Couldn’t resist a peek at one of Aly’s Twitter accounts where she tweets: "Each one of us has more layers and sides than we'll ever know. If you can honestly live with happiness and limited regrets then be thankful."

Is she saying she can’t live with happiness? Well, she is always miserable in the emails she sends, be it with some physical ailment or depression, but maybe that’s how she’s always been and maybe she likes it that way.

This and other tweets of hers suggest she read last night’s rant, but she’s either going to the blog that can’t be tracked or she’s dodging trackers. I just made both MD diaries private. Now the only way to follow me is to be tracked or deal with dodging trackers. I have a very strong feeling that the trolls aren’t going to have the guts to show up on my tracker. Molly gladly will. She likes being seen and rubbing her unwanted presence in my face, but there’s no way Kim or even Aly would at this point. I’ll be watching, though, and we’ll see. We’ll also see what kiddy shit they dish at me on Ask, too. I can’t wait. Meanwhile, things have been oddly quiet in Shitville all day and night. The calm before the storm?

Later…

I’m being mean to the rats tonight, LOL, and keeping them in the laundry room instead of out here in the living room with me. I love the hell out of them, but these guys just get too rambunctious, noisy, clingy, and desperate for attention. They really are a lot like dogs. They don’t bark, they don’t need shots, they don’t need to be taken outside to poop and pee, but their behavior and other needs are basically the same. I guess any animal of intelligence would thrive on human companionship as well as that of their own kind, but sometimes I just need a break from all the begging and the way they go wild and love to run around the place and distract me when I’m trying to write or do other things.

Sugar was funny as hell the other night. I had been busy with the painting all day, finally let him out to get some exercise, along with his roommate who has become much braver and friendlier since winning him his beloved feather wand, and he took off chasing me. He tried to jump up and grab my leg, then as soon as I hit the floor he leaped onto me and was wagging his tail and licking my face as if he hadn’t seen me in years. I hate to see how he’ll react when we return from Hawaii. I just know that when we’re there that will be the only time I’ll wish these rats weren’t that exciting like Bendejo and his brother that we had before Tink.

Tom spent most of the day rearranging the workshop and gutting old shelves and drawers that he doesn’t want. For now, they are being stored on the patio located behind the workshop till they do the next bulk pickup. We have an enclosed but roofless patio back there that’s great for storing things that aren’t valuable. It’s where we keep our bikes and stuff like that. So it’s like having two storerooms, one indoors, one outdoors.

No hip pain after yesterday’s run, but my front thigh muscles sure are sore. I still don’t get why they get so sore so easily. I didn’t overdo it or anything like that, so I guess I am just getting old.

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