#ok maybe not sad but what am i supposed to do about that? therapy?

[one-lucky-strike]

i aim to be one thing: a sad man with the right amount of muscle like donald malarkey.

[thatanimewriter]

KEEPER.

➳ synopsis: you were put up for adoption the day you were born, and though you don’t exactly hate your life, you can’t help but think ‘if a day old baby isn’t enough to keep, what is?’

➳ character/s: sebastian michaelis, grell sutcliffe, joker, gregory violet

➳ warnings: swearing, mentions of abortion (sebastian), hurt/comfort, they/them pronouns for grell because i am not getting into the ‘man or woman’ argument again-

➳ notes: this is by far the most vent-y thing i’ve ever written thus far because i am LITERALLY in the same position as the reader in this. same ‘backstory’ same thoughts SO THIS IS JUST ME EXPELLING FEELINGS I PROMISE I’M OK ._. 

𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 / 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭  / 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐬 / 𝐰𝐢𝐩 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

── 𝐒𝐄𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐀𝐍 𝐌𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐒.

he probably noticed you had insecurities very fast

didn’t know what over though

he thought about snooping around to figure it out

it was the constant scanning of a room and impeccable perception of body language for him

it felt like you were constantly ready for something to go wrong

and you HAD to be there to comfort and support every time someone was upset

didn’t find out about anything for a while until it was mother’s day and you hid for a little bit of the day

sebastian also probably snooped in your desk and found some letters with vent-y things written in them

things like maybe your parents should’ve gotten an abortion

you don’t understand why anyone would ever love you because the people who were supposed to love you ended up giving you away

nothing you do is ever good enough

now that he knows the reason behind some weird behaviour, there’s a lot more understanding 

he’ll put more effort into making you feel better about simply existing

and lots of praise to let you know you’re doing good and that you’re enough

but he doesn’t miss the expression you make when he tells you these things

he knows you still don’t believe him

it’s ok, he’ll just have to make you believe him eventually :))

── 𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐒𝐔𝐓𝐂𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐅𝐄.

dotes on you all the time

because of that, they probably don’t realise you still have problems with being loved

they love you so much, what do you mean you think they’re lying??

they picked up on it the first time they told you they love you and reasons they love you

because you looked REALLY uncomfortable

n they were like “omg did i say something wrong-”

no, it’s just that you think you’re incapable of being loved, grell didn’t do anything wrong

when you first told them that was the reason

AUDIBLE GASP

and a big therapy session with our icon

they probably cried when you said you don’t think you’ll ever be enough for anyone or anything

would like to try to help you, but they have no clue how to get you to think otherwise

so i guess you just need to get used to them being your partner

because they’re not gonna abandon you (even if you were as a baby) and they love you to the moon and back >:((

grell still cries to themselves when they think about how little trust you have in people caring for you

will now probably kill whoever decides to tell you that no one loves you because you’re adopted

death scythe to the neck, baby

── 𝐉𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐑.

would understand you the most, but not fully

he’s still adopted in a way, so he understands the trauma behind it

but he’ll still ask you about it to understand

he likely already knew about your backstory, but he didn’t realise how much being orphaned at day one really took a toll on you

it was a lot of frankly overwhelming offers to help that made him suspicious

because he doesn’t think anyone else has offered help so much even when they probably can’t afford to do so

notices that you work yourself so hard to the point of fainting and is super concerned

when he asked about it and you said you feel like a waste of space if you’re not being productive, he’s a very sad boy

very set on letting you recognise that you don’t need to be ‘of use’ for people to want to be around you and be friends with you

but he will start helping you as well to make you see that he isn’t trying to take advantage of your kindness

you can have nice late night therapy sessions with him if you ever want to talk about things

like how you do things to trick yourself into thinking you’re being productive like playing a little puzzle game they have in the circus

he for sure understands the part where you have both attachment and abandonment issues

you meet new people and it’s like a honeymoon phase

and then quickly you start overthinking if you’re being annoying or if they hate you about a week later

he’s always there to cheer you up when that happens

lots of words of affirmation, even if you struggle to accept them

── 𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐆𝐎𝐑𝐘 𝐕𝐈𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐓.

he’s so eccentric that oddly enough

i think he’d be the best at actually taking in and interpreting the information

in an artistic way, of course :))

but he always wanted to use you as a model for his paintings and sketches

and he started thinking there was something you hadn’t told him about you

because you seemed to change personalities and deflect compliments ALL THE TIME

he figured out the extent of your trauma after he said

“you are loved, and you are wanted.”

and you burst into tears 

he panicked at first, worried that he upset you, but he was happy to know you cried because you could finally believe someone when they said it

maybe it’s because he doesn’t often throw those statements out there

he makes more arty pieces inspired by you and how you feel about certain things

like your different ‘personalities’ that he sees, just differences in vibe and slight changes in body language when you want to come off as a certain way

he’s very happy that you believe him though, because he realises how hard it is for you to depend on anyone else

and how little trust you have in others that they won’t use you or abandon you

has drawn you like a porcelain doll before with cracks in the body because it’s still beautiful even if you’re ‘broken’

and writes you little notes or poems daily

[cowgurrrl]

ok what am I supposed to do now the one for the money, two for the show is done!!!?! I would love more lord while I go back a reread everything from the beginning!

If you’re taking requests maybe quick snapshots of the year apart? Not to get too personal but I have a crush and I’ve been stalking their social media but like in a chill way (or I’m trying to) I imagine reader and Joel both seeing each others accomplishments or posts or being tagged in things and just being happy for each other but also….the longing

A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be

Pairing: rockstar!joel miller x actress!reader

Author's note: this is so angsty i'm sorry

Summary: This ask

Warnings: angst, yearning, oh it's so sad

Joel Miller's New Album Set to Break Records

Everything We Know About Joel Miller's New Album Glass House

Glass House Expected to Go Platinum Before Next Month

What Songs on Joel Miller's New Album Are About Famous Actress Ex?

You almost text Joel about the headlines and theories flooding your timeline. Almost. You actually started typing out a message before reading the last message you sent him almost four months ago and quickly deleting it. You're happy for him. You really are. In the pictures from his album release party, he looked insanely happy, posing with Ellie and Sarah and hugging his musician friends in celebration. He even played one of his newest songs, "Love-in-idleness," at the party with only his acoustic guitar and that deep voice of his. You think you would know it's about you even if he didn't tell you about it before you left. Love-in-idleness is the flower used in A Midsummer Night's Dream to make a love potion to unite the couples. It's common knowledge, but Joel might be one of the only people in the world who knows how much that play means to you. The song quickly becomes one of your favorites, but you don't tell him.

You scroll through his social media unashamedly. Dave Grohl and half the world congratulates him on his album release. He's making the music he's always wanted to make. Sarah told you she got into UCLA, and Ellie is drawing again. He's happy. They all are. So, why do you feel so shitty? Neither of you has deleted the pictures of each other from your profiles. It feels like a staring contest, seeing who will hold the torch of your relationship longer. It doesn't help that people are screenshotting the pictures of you together to "add context" to Joel's lyrics. The one that makes you break down is a quick snapshot someone took of you leaning on him in Central Park when you were watching the guitarist with lyrics from "The Yellow Subway." 

She knows more than me. You better believe

That city couldn't hold her right, but then

I couldn't either.

Despite the heartbreaking lyrics, you two look comfortable together— your head on his shoulder and his hand in yours. You cry in between scenes, ruining your makeup and having a mini-therapy session with your makeup artist, Saoirse, as a result. You don't post anything about his new album, but you put on a happy face and post snapshots from your time spent in Ireland thus far. Pitchers of Guinness, the Cliffs of Moher, stunningly green mornings, and a picture of you and the film crew hiding out in a tent while the rain comes down around you. Joel likes the photos but makes no other move to communicate with you.

You wonder if he's torturing himself in the same way you are. You wonder if he's waiting for a headline about you dating someone new like you are for him. You wonder if he's hurting the way you are. Selfishly, you hope he is because that means he still thinks of you. You also want him to hurt because he hurt you. You still love him, but you can't be the woman who crawls back to someone who can't trust her with things, like telling her the mother of his child is back in town. 

This is what's best. It's what needs to happen. You need to be here, working, and he needs to be there, being a dad and making music. It doesn't make it any easier or soothe the ache in your heart, but it's necessary. It's for your own good. Right? 

Right?

[sentimentalmachine]

I'm so heartbroken. My brother's cat died today. I loved that cat so much and my brother loved him even more. He was only 8. He was such a sweet guy. I haven't seen him in so long and now I never will. We were supposed to have a family Halloween party today but my brother didn't make it because he was taking the cat to the emergency vet. I didn't know until I got home and saw facebook what the outcome was. I really wanted it to be that he would be ok, not gone. Ever since my cousin very unexpectedly died a few months ago, we all decided we needed to make more effort to see each other. We all regretted how little we had seen him these past several years with him living overseas. So my other cousin, his brother, put together this Halloween party. The only time I've seen him since before covid was at the funeral and memorial when we were focused on other things. But today the first thing he said to me was "is everything ok, you're looking really frail" and that kind of broke my heart. Because it's really the first thing people notice about me now. I knew I was looking frail, but hearing so many people point it out lately hurts. I'm just a frail sickly old lady now, and that's all anyone sees when they look at me. People at doctors and physical therapy talk about how tiny I am, how I have no substance to my body as if pointing out the obvious is supposed to do any good? I've tried so so hard to become well these past few years but this year more than any other time of my life the sickness just shows on me like flashing red lights. And no one can find out why and nothing makes me better and I'm trying everything I possibly can and going into so much debt it scares me but nothing helps and sometimes I just get so tired of trying I don't want to even try anymore. I had to get a mammogram this week to recheck this suspicious spot they have been keeping an eye on, the lady who administered it was so concerned about my appearance and loss of tissue since my last scan. I told her I'd been sick and hadn't been able to gain weight and she just looked at me with this sad worried look and in a sad worried tone said "you can't gain any weight"? and I just shook my head. Thankfully for the first time in years my scan was all clear though so at least I don't have to get another one for awhile. But it was just another incidence of how horrible I must appear to others. People who don't know me. It's not just in my head anymore. It's real and it's out there. And I don't understand why I can't gain weight. I've always been able to gain weight. (except in 2013/14 when I was recovering from a difficult surgery) I never thought I'd reach middle age and be tiny and frail, this is the time of life women usually put on weight. It makes no sense. Then my GI visit was so bad he thinks it's just IBS. Despite all my symptoms and how sick I look, despite IBS shouldn't affect your weight, make your stomach swell and bleed, suddenly be allergic to things you were never allergic to, loss of muscle and so much more. I BEGGED him to at least test me for sibo, but he doesn't think it could possibly be that. And maybe it's not but it's something they haven't checked for and is easy to check for but I'm pretty sure he just thinks I'm crazy. He actually bulged his eyes out when I told him I just wanted to be able to eat more types of food and gain weight, as if it was some unreasonable thing to want. I like my 2 physical therapists a lot though, they recognize how bad my condition is and are trying hard to help me improve. But I haven't been making any improvements and I'm scared they are going to have to dismiss me. My main PT person assures me that it will take a very long time to see improvements with how bad my condition is but since I can't find someone who will even try to find out exactly what causes me to be in this horrible condition will it even be possible to improve with any amount of time?

[toothlespoggers]

”Why are you sad” WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WHEN THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN FEEL JOY IS BY HAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO GO DO STUFF THAT IS FUN IN THE MOMENT BUT ULTIMATELY STILL LEAVES YOU EMPTY INSIDE BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THE WORLD IS BEING FUCKED OVER IN A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS BY PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE COMMON SENSE AND THERES NO HOPE IN TRYING TODO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSEIT JUST DOESNT WORK. HOW ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE ON THE INTERNET WITHIUT SEEING EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD. THE ONLY WAY TO BE “HAPPY” IS TO BE AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING CONTROLLED AND PERFECT. AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES. UNTIL YOU DIE. BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE, WALKING DOWN THE STREET, EATING, SLEEPING. EVERYTHING JUST REMINDS YOU THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSTANTLY SUFFERING FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOURE A CHILD. AND SOMEHOW ADULTS DONT CARE. THEY DONT CARE ABOUT THE DEATHS. THEY DONT SEE THE BLOODSTAINS ON EVERYTHING AROUND THEM. THEY SOMEHOW AVOID IT ALL.

WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? BECAUSE BEING SAD. BEING ANYTHING ELSE. IS TOO DIFFICULT. WHAT ARE WE JUST SUPPOSED TO ROLL OVER WHEN SOMEONE ASKS IF YOURE OK? NO. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW EVERYTHING WOULD GO

“hey man, you ight?”

“NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT, EVERYTHING IS AWFUL EVERYTHING IS BAD. THE “GOOD” IS MOSTLY JUST GASLIGHTING, A SUNNY LITTLE PICTURE OF FALSE HOPES AND PROMISES TO CALM YOU DOWN AND KEEP SOCIETY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE IN REALITY EVERYTHING IS BAD, THE BAD COMES SO MUCH AND THE GOOD IS SO SPARSE YOU HAVE TO PHYSICALLY REMIND YOURSELF OF IT, AND IF EVERYTHINGS OK WOULDNT IT BE EASY TO FIND OUT GOOD NEWS INSTEAD OF DIGGING THROUGH THE INTERNET TO FIND ANYTHING? ISNT IT RIDICULOUS THAT WE ARE LABELLED AS “MENTALLY ILL” FOR HAVING FUCKING COMMON SENSE? WE ALL REALISED AS SOON AS WE GAINED SENTIENCE

“HEY WOW, ACTUALLY THE WORLD IS KINDA HORRIBLE!” AND INSTEAD OF FIXING IT EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE “YEAH BRO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THAT, YOURE CRAZY. THE WORLD ISNT AWFUL! LOOK AT OUR LITTLE RICH WHITE NEIGHBOURHOOD, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND NOTHING IS WRONG! YOU ARE STUPID FOR THINKING THIS.”

LIKE BRO. NO??? ITS NOT OK? I DONT “GET SAD” I AM SAD. THIS ANXIETY DEPRESSION, COCKTAIL NEVER SUBSIDES. IT IS JUST IGNORED. REPEATEDLY. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FORGOT TO SURVIVE.

YOU HAVE TO GRIT YOUR TEETH, WIPE YOUR EYES AND DISSOCIATE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART THAT NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE MINDSET OF:

“Well Im alive now, I might as well enjoy it” BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU CAN DO.

I WANT. TO BELIEVE. IN THE POSITIVES.

WE ALL DO.

BUT LOOK AROUND.

IT WOULD LITERALLY TAKE A MIRACLE, NOT A SMALL ONE. A NATIONAL. WORLD WIDE. MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MIRACLE. TO FIX THINGS.

BUT THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOU CANT EVEN TAKE COMFORT IN RELIGION BECAUSE RELIGION IS LIKE “yeah no everythings gonna be like really bad and get worse and worse until everyone dies”

like. SERIOUSLY.

so NO. I am not “ok” and if you are. Congratulations. You’ve achieved a level of ignorance I TRULY wish I could obtain.

you wanna know why NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE IF EVERYONE ON EARTH KNEW THIS. EVERYTHING WOULD COLLAPSE.

And I’m not saying you can’t be happy. YOU CAN! I am often happy! I have a lot of good moments. Life is worth living! Until a certain point you can always experience joy. There will always be SOMETHING. Good.

I’m sorry it sucks. I want it to change, I want to be happy. I want to go outside knowing that there’s a future, that there isn’t just misery ahead of me.

but I can’t do anything about it.

I can’t seek therapy. I can’t tell anyone.

because all they do is try and get me to be happy again, different strategies!! Different Methods! Different medication! So much medication :,D but I’m tired of people telling me not to be sad.

Stop trying to fix the individuals with drugs and cheesy advice.

FIX THE WORLD FOR US. THEN THE CHILDREN WONT NEED TO BE HIGH ON PAIN KILLERS TO BE HAPPY.

(I try to keep stuff like this to a minimum on my blog but at this point this is the only way I can safely put my opinion out into the world without being put into a mental hospital or yelled at.)

[hjellacott]

Please don't go to Prince Harry and Meghan for mental health advice (maybe come to me instead!)

For those who don't know, among my studies there's a BSc in Psychology and I post psychology stuff now and then in @thepsychologytemple. I'm not a psychologist, but I've got the qualifications and I've also been a patient and received therapy and, similarly to Harry, a lot of it was due to grief and family drama. And I am telling you nothing he says speaks "I'm an emotionally and mentally healthy guy qualified to give others advice on mental health". So even though I normally don't care about Harry and don't have bad nor good opinions, I was quite horrified to find out that apparently not only is he trying to make a career out of providing advice for others' mental health and struggles, but he's having people pay +30 dollars to hear him speak about his intimate struggles.

Look, if you're so desperate that youre willing to pay Harry for help, please sink the money into actual therapy. It takes years of studying hard to become a certified psychologist and even then, you're supposed to continue to do research and be subjected to the continuous review and criticism of your peers. And you know what therapists and psychologists are never supposed to do? Among other things, saying anything about their own private, personal lives. The only reason any mental health professional or business is giving Harry any voice is because we're in the middle of a worldwide mass mental health crisis and if famous voices talk about it then perhaps people will get help. And some people admittedly only want the money that Harry can bring through convincing people to go to them. I promise you no half-respectable mental health professional would EVER deem Harry is a good option to receive even the slightest bit of advice, unless that advice is go to proper therapy.

Harry has NOT healed. He is NOT in peace. He is NOT happy. And none of his public actions could possibly give him a true mental and emotional health and healing.

When you're in peace, when you heal from a traumatic event, it stops violently affecting you. For example, you know you've moved on from a loss and are OK when the thought of it out of the blue on a regular day may make you sad, but only a bit. When your emotions remain under control and do not make your day to day more difficult. When you don't feel overwhelmed with negative emotions, like sadness or anger.

I know a fair bit about loss because it was the main thing thar dragged me into first therapy and then psychology. I already had a University degree when I decided I was struggling too much (I'd lost my dad, other seven relatives, and my best friend), so I began going to therapy and reading lots of therapy and self help stuff. And then I decided I needed more and went into formally studying psychology. That's when I actually, truly healed, so I know what that looks like and I guarantee you I'm not writing books profiting from the trauma caused to me by death, life, family and my stupid brother. I could, but I'm OK, so I don't need to spend months writing about it, dwelling on it, then ranting about it to everyone publicly, then going to the telly and dwelling on it so much and making documentaries about it. Instead, I'm busy being happy. And happiness does keep you busy. When you have clear purposes in life, a happy family, work (I'm an actress, camera woman and production assistant), hobbies (I do lots of writing and piano)... you don't have time nor energy to go on national television and be bitter, angry and resentful and talking about the intimate stuff from your own family.

It worries me that young people specially look up to Harry like a saviour and I want you to know, if you need any free advice about your family, love life, friends, mental health, emotional stuff, whatever! You can come to me at @thepsychologytemple . No judgement. I don't care who you are. I will treat you with all the objectivity I can, you can even send anonymous messages if you want. And I'll do what I can. Better me than Harry.

[riastarthe]

ok this "time to cut off your conservative family members" didnt know you guys were still hanging out. i don't have a family to cut off because i already did that. it sucks it's painful it's lonely it puts you into an entirely different situation where you might feel like a total fucking alien and you will be reliant on the kindness of strangers more often than you'd like, but at least you won't be constantly psychically damaged by people who are supposed to love you and choose not to. or people who want your friends dead. you wouldn't take that from anyone else and a biological bond can't mean more to you than your own dignity. even war criminals love their children. love is not a reason to stay.

sometimes i marvel at how long ago i came out and how fucking lonely it's always been. always. growing up rural, there wasn't a community, much less one that accepted or acknowledged trans people. i never learned how to be in one and was never brought into one... all queer community has been incidental, mainly through art. i'm going to start trying now, but it makes me so shitscared lol.

i dont really waver in my beliefs but if one thing can shake my foundation, it's being left behind for those beliefs. i am scarcely different from anyone i know/have known and yet to them the cracks seem huge. that's so disappointing, and the loneliness makes me feel like such a freak man. going into the future alone is what rocks me. it is so bleak. the past 4 years fucked me up so bad, i really struggle to think i'll recover despite all the work i've done/am doing. i've done things other people haven't in order to try and get better For Them as much as myself. therapy, medication, making better and more honest art to try and communicate myself more effectively, trying to join more digital communities like the co-op etc., stating my boundaries with people, being more confident about what i think and feel... and all of those things seemingly has had a NEGATIVE impact. if i were to frame it as... living more honestly and losing people who are unwilling to respect that or losing people who maybe i never clicked with in the first place, well, that void hasnt been filled. so it feels awful. it feels like i need to be someone else entirely. i don't want to live this life alone. i long for people all the time. it makes my stomach hurt. it keeps me awake. it is the singular most painful thing of all time, that emptiness. i feel totally broken. i miss so many people. i don't know how to live like this and i know I don't want to. i wish i could have help. i wish that kind of help existed. i dont know how to express how badly i need it, in a way that i do truly believe is different from the shitty (and incorrect) idea of learned helplessness— the way my mind... feels, the cloth over it, the anxiety is something very different compared to any other time in my life, compared to any other fear or sadness. it is like, a real fog, a wall, a deafening, deadening, fatiguing weight, like i go limp from it. i need help. i want help.

i dont think im as repugnant and repulsive as i feel, or how i'm seen. i don't. i've been a good friend in the past. i want to be one again. it is such a bad ache. i wish i had the words for it. i say so much but nothing really describes it... it's just a black hole. I've worked really hard to overcome it but I've worked really hard by myself. i need someone willing to let me try.

[theindo]

Long and deep inhale. I am deciding to go on a long rant/ramble/vent/whatever. Its all over the place. I dont know.

IM. I???? ?? I just??? So. Me and my dad had a conversation yes. God, I barely even have the energy to type this out. Anyways. another long conversation about how i should go out and do things. About how i say im gonna do stuff and then dont. Whatever. ""i dont know what to do" is the same thing youve said your whole life". Ok . Yeah . I guess so . And what do i do???? I?? Dont know????? I dont know where change begins. Do i want to change? I'll have to, eventually. I fantasize about having friends, and then i find every single way to get annoyed at any one who wants to talk to me in person. I have like, 0.5 people i enjoy talking to in real life. And like. 2 people i enjoy talking to online. Though i talk to way more. Why am i so selfish? Im not lonely anymore. I should be happy. But instead im just angry. Angry at everyone. Yes, i should go outside and i do want to, but how am i supposed to when being looked at enrages me or fills me with fear or dread. How do i do anything when im so damn scared and so damn tired. I dont wanna go to therapy. I dont think they'll help. I dont know if i want help. I want to be told what to do. I want specific and exact orders from someone i like or something. I dont. Think i want to BE. I dont wanna make decisions or make mistakes or get up or anything. I know thats what life is about. But maybe i dont want a life. I didnt ask to be here. But i cant just kill myself. Thats bad. And people will miss me. But nobody in person.. theyre all in the internet, and that makes me sad. Why cant i form bonds in person the way i do online? Im confused. I hate being looked at and i hate being percieved and i hate being noticed and i HATE being touched and i hate not being able to leave and i just. My internet friends say im full of love, but this is a lie. Im filled with fear and hatred and greed and envy. I hate BEING. when i was small, i would daydream about death. What was it like to die? I asked my mother when i was still allowed to be with her (i miss her), what the least painful way to die would be. I was around 6 or so. Maybe i was born this way. Maybe its all in my head. I dont care. I wanna disappear. I hate responsibilities, but i hate being useless. I cant even say what im thinking in these posts sometimes because i KNOW my thoughts are completely backwards. I SHOULDNT think this way. God, why am i so trapped in my own head? I want to do shit, i promise i do, but its like. Theres never the perfect conditions. Im waiting and im waiting and ive forgotten what im waiting for. "What makes you happy?" "What do you like to do?" You know what I like to do? I like to daydream about my hyperfixations and see things about them. Thats it. Thats the only thing i like to do. Its why i draw and its why i live. Im thinking there should be more, but what more is there? This is all i want to do!! Im fine about fishing and drawing and reading i guess. But like. I get distracted easily. I long for what truly makes me happy, but what truly makes me happy is such a temporary bliss that i know will fade and i know is stupid and i know is a waste of time. Nobody fucking cares about the thousands of scenarios i have stuck in my head about the same character each time. Maybe i need to grow up. Im being lazy, immature. I have all these responsibilities, missed texts and school work, and the mere thought of it exausts me. Nothing is enjoyable!!! I wanna sleep forever.

Saw tjis video. Thought it was relatable. Whayever. My head hurts. As always. I feel myself slipping sometimes. I think to myself "ill be fine tomorrow", but that tomorrow never comes. Its the same thing. Yelling at myself in my head. Stuck. I dont want this. I dont want help either. I dont want help because i never wanted to be fucked over in the first place. Cant we pretend its all normal? Cant we dream for a while longer. Why must i get up. I annoy everyone else to im sure, just as i annoy myself and just as everyone else annoys me. I fear death but i rot in my own living body. Im basically dead. Why did i have to be here. I want to exist in my memories and in my dreams. Why can't my mother hold me again. Its all unfair. I have so many questions, but every answer just brings more. Im tired. The purpose of life is to learn and discover and experience. But im tired of learning. Im tired of this complex game. Theres too much. Too much all the time. It hurts. My throat hurts. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My feet hurt. My eyes hurt. Fuck man everything hurts me and theres nothing i can do about it. I dont like this. I want to sleep. Whatever.

Its been years. Its been a long 6 years. Its been a long 14 years.

I asked my dad, since he didnt like my halloween costume idea, what HE thinks I WANT to be. He said "normal?". I had to clarify i meant for halloween. Why CANT i be normal. Why must i be weird and different. Not even on a societal level. Other people are different from me because IM different. Other people being different from me makes me not like them. I cant blame others for feeling the same way about me. I miss being friendly to everyone and grateful for every interaction and not being so filled with hate and anger. What do i do. I have to do something. I dont wanna get sent to a ward or something.

[rediscoveringcreativity]

First actual blog. Listing most of my goals with this I guess

I've never had or used a blog before. I don't know what to do with these random existential internal monologues I have. I've never really used tumblr, let alone any other website similar to it. I don't like reddit, 4chan, twitter/X partly because they're a bit too annoying and difficult to use and partly because of the people on there. I'll give this a shot since most of the time I just see people agreeing with reblogs, likes, etc. on this site rather than the cringey condescending responses you'll see on other platforms.

Growing up I recall constantly having words and thoughts buzzing around in my head. Significantly more creative thoughts than what I have going on now. I still think to myself and I'm guessing the word here is 'monologue' to myself about other things but I just remember it being very different when I was younger (middle/high school age). I feel like I didn't 'grow out of it' or something along those lines. It feels more like I killed it. As a matter of fact, only a few years ago I was always consuming political commentary, keeping up with current events, listening to informational/news podcasts and it kept my brain stimulated. But even then, not the same as when I was a kid.

My personal history or whatever you want to call it was very rough growing up. A lot of trauma and being exposed to a lot of evil in the world. I personally don't believe in therapy, medications, recreational drugs, etc. and have tried some of these with no success. I think the only reason I don't off myself is because I am afraid of what's after death. (At this point, venting something like this will get the redditor fedora tippers exclaiming "NOTHING HAPPENS AFTER DEATH" or some other nonsense. - The fact of the matter is, their belief is just as hard to prove as religion. So I don't want to hear your opinion - I am merely stating why I am even alive right now).

Any way, I'm thinking of using this blog to write down my thoughts and monologues because I often forget what I say to myself. My memory is very poor. I've come to learn dementia runs in my family, so, if I ever grow old and if tumblr is still around, I think old dementia-stricken me might remember how to operate a computer and I can look back on all of this stuff.

I use to draw a lot. I was passionate about music. I had an imagination. But I feel nothing now. I am quite empty. I am a very stoic person in my daily life. When I get dragged out to outing by coworkers, they learn to stop inviting me because I am a downer. They nudge me to smile and let loose. I am always uncomfortable in my own skin. I am always empty. I don't necessarily feel sad. I think the fact that I am empty is what causes my sadness.

I don't know who I am and I feel too old to not have an identity, and especially personality. I'm not seeking words of advice, encouragement - those are unwanted. I just want to be able to share my thoughts with strangers and just see if there are others out there who think "same" and tap a like or reblog.

I think if I saw something like "OP ur wrong its ok to not know who you are even if you're 30, 40 or 50" it would annoy me. I'm not looking to hear "it's ok" or looking for any solution. I just want to scream into the void that is the internet. Maybe it'll scream back. And I know I can't expect people not to be critical or try to uplift me, or whatever. But it's just internal thoughts I'm writing out because I can. Thinking ahead or something.

I'm still working on myself and today I felt more moved to make moves towards those. I've accomplished some things but these accomplishments essentially mean nothing because I am still essentially in the same place. I don't know. This post was supposed to outline some goals but it's turned into a vent fest.

Hoping to maybe string together some poems or something too. I've always found poetry interesting but never got into it. I feel like it requires a level of creativity and understanding, or the ability to not understand at that, that I don't and never had.

Well, we'll see. Hi tumblr.

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

Dear Tumblr Void,

Hello again. You can guess why I'm back. It happened again, and once again I'm using tumblr as a live journal, because maybe just one person will read this and I'll feel validated.

I'm gonna start with this:

Why this is different than Sam.

~I'm getting into therapy right away

~I'm trying to lean on family and friends for support more than ever

~I'm not the victim this time. If I'm a victim, then so is Josiah. He went through just as much as I did, so if I'm a victim then so is he. I'm not innocent.

~I'm changing my life completely, even if temporarily. I'm moving in with Laura and Joe for an unknown amount of time. I don't know if I'll come back to Eau Claire in the fall for school, I don't know if I'll end up having to live in the apartment that was supposed to be ours. I don't know what the future holds and I'm trying to be ok with that.

~I'm being honest with the people in my life about what happened. I am not playing the role of the innocent victim. Just because I'm guilty doesn't make his actions right or ok, but the opposite is also true. Just because he's guilty doesn't make my actions ok.

~I realized this time there are very deep rooted issues. I have abandonment issues, not from past relationships but from my childhood. I have attachment issues from my childhood. Not from past relationships, and it's something I need to work on and heal from.

~ I'm not going to get into a rebound situation. History says the rebound does more damage than good, and I know that what I need is to figure out how to be a person again, on my own.

Here's what's hard this time:

~ I want to still talk to him. He cut me off completely, which is good for both of us. But I still crave him, like a bad street drug.

~His sister is still talking to me. She's very helpful, but I also know that she gets to see him and talk to him and it makes me jealous and sad because I know in my heart that I will never see him again, or hear his voice again.

~ I don't want to lose my opportunity in Eau Claire at school, but I also can't know for sure right now if coming back will be too much, I can't know if coming back will make me miss him again. Would I be coming back just in hopes of running into him again?

~ I want to know if he's back on tinder. That's what I did with Sam, when we broke up I downloaded tinder just to see if he was back on and active. I want to do that with Josiah, but I know that if I do, and he is active, it will shatter me and I will spiral even more.

~ I cant eat. I have such a loss of appetite that eating takes more mental energy than I have right now. It's been two days and I've already lost a pound and a half.

~ I can't sleep. He was in my bed every night. I cant lay down without thinking about how he would hold me. So I bought melatonin and NyQuil so that I pass out. If I'm unconscious, I can't miss him as much.

~ I have to learn how to navigate my own emotions while also recognizing that I'm not the only victim. I was trauma bonded, and I know that it's on me just as much as it's on him. I can't quite find the balance between not hating but also not glorifying him.

~ I constantly think about how he might have ended the relationship and gone no contact to protect me, and the not knowing hurts. Did he really do it out of love and care? Did he do it only because he was mad? Was it purely selfish? I might never know and I'm having a hard time accepting that.

~ The future I had planned is gone, and I'm mourning that just as much as I'm mourning the loss of him. I was attached to him AND the future I thought I had with him.

That's all for now tumblr, any more and I'll start crying again. Thanks for giving me false hope of validation once more <3

[timeoverload]

I really want to know what's going on??? What did I do that pissed you off so much? Did you try to go to my work or something to try to see me??? No one said anything to me about that so maybe I'm just imagining things. I don't think you would do that but it would be cool if you did. No one comes to visit me ever so if you tried to do that I'm sorry that I wasn't there. The past 2 Thursdays have been really slow in the afternoon because it's summer now and a lot of people are on vacation. I didn't feel the best because I still had to do 24 cases in the morning. I wanted to put ice on my back because it has been really bothering me. I also am trying to avoid that guy at work that has been really creepy towards me because he won't leave me alone. I actually ate lunch in the cafeteria on Tuesday and he had to come sit with me and was trying to get me to make plans with him this weekend. I told him I was busy and I had to run away pretty much. I have to keep taking my lunch in the locker room now. I am planning on saying that I'm seeing someone so hopefully he will back off. I guess I will try to put up with it and try not to leave early anymore and just sit and wait for you. I'm just trying to figure out why you are so upset. A lot of problems could be avoided if we could just talk about it. Communication is very important. I just want to have a healthy relationship.

I'm sorry I said something about having bags under my eyes I shouldn't have said that. I am trying to embrace the fact that I have them and be ok with it. I guess I chose the wrong way to say it. I wasn't intending to make a jab at you. It had nothing to do with you. I am just tired. I am stupid sometimes. Also, I made the post about "endless illusions" because I still have a hard time believing this is real because I have been on this journey for so long and I feel like things just keep getting worse. I won't question anything anymore and I will accept that everything is real. It has been hard for me to do that because I haven't had anyone to talk to about it so it feels like it's all in my head sometimes still. A lot of the time you act totally different in person than how I expect you to and I shouldn't expect anything. You have quite a few people to talk about it with so I'm not sure if you understand how I feel. I know you talked to my dad and he didn't have to say anything, I just know. I guess it makes me sad to see "I ❤️ you" written on my arm when I know we aren't together right now. I really wish we could be. I just miss you. I can't go 5 minutes without thinking about you. You are a part of me and always will be. I'm going crazy. I want to believe.

I really fucking hate being autistic and bipolar simultaneously because I have a hard time communicating how I feel and sometimes I offend people without even trying. I have been so emotional and I feel annoying. My brain feels like it's broken. I suppose that's part of the reason I have such a hard time making friends. I always end up putting my foot in my mouth one way or another. I embarrass myself at least 3 times a day. I spend a lot of my time by myself in fantasy land. I'm not trying to be mean I am just sad and lonely and being a pessimist. I need to try to get into therapy I think even though it hasn't really worked in the past. I am afraid they will try to get me committed and lock me up. I will do my best to stop being crazy and acting that way.

I just woke up and had another bad dream. I can't calm down and I feel like I'm in hell right now. My blood pressure is so damn high. I don't know what I did wrong and I really wish you could explain it to me. This week hasn't gone very well at all. I am so confused. I want to be happy and stable and normal. I just want to be with you. I love you. I'm sorry.

[teddybeartoji]

ari my beloved<3333 you have no idea how happy it made me to see how long your answer was (TRULY) i so so so want to get into poetry and overall get back into reading and i want to just learn more and consume more art like i said and you best believe every recommendation you make will be taken very fucking seriously! jumpscare this got very long you have been warned

ALSO if u have any play recs!!!!!!!! i would absolutely love to hear those aswell!!! and i wanted to ask about your major too what are you studying if u don't mind me asking ofc

and since we are exchanging poetry i offer u this hehehe i just think it's so sweet i've been thinking about it ever since i read it

oke oke now for the good stuff - i plucked out some of my favourite parts out of all of them bc well, i genuinely fucking loved all of them

straw house, straw dog - "you are a fever i am learning to live with." is definitely a line i'll remember forever; overall um did somebody say satosugu bc the way i immediately started thinking about them wow i love heartache thanks ari; "you can sleep now, you said. you can sleep now. you said that. i had a dream where you said that. thanks for saying that. you weren't supposed to." IS MR SIKEN GOOD IS HE ALRIGHT YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THINGS LIKE THAT

planet of love - "you want to die for love, you always have." .................................... that really hits the spot "you're going to die, in your best friend's arms. and you play along because it's funny, because it's written down, you've memorized it, it's all you know." AND YOU PLAY ALONG BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S WRITTEN DOWN FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK as a person who hmm has definitely surpressed all their emotions and feelings at some point in their life it really is funny huh

wishbone - "but i'd rather keep the bullet. it's mine, see, i'm not giving it up. this way you still owe me, and that's as good as anything."; "if you love me, henry, you don't love me in a way i understand." AND WHO WILL BE PAYING FOR MY THERAPY SESSION AFTER THIS HMMMMM???

landscape with a blur of conquerors - "why take more than we need? because we can." YEAHHHH; honestly this poem reminded me a little bit of disco elysium, probably the way it's written idk a painting in de style kept popping into my head as i was reading; "i prefer to blame others, it's easier. king me."

self portrait against red wallpaper - "shame means you're guilty, like the rest of us, but you think you're better than we are? maybe you are."; "the world doesn't know what to do with my love."; "disheartening? obviously. i hope it's love. i'm trying really hard to make it love."; "i clawed my way into the light but the light is just as scary. i'd rather quit. i'd rather be sad. it's too much work."; "i shine a light on them of my own making; septic, ugly, the wrong yellow. i mean, maybe it's better if my opponent wins."; i'm gonna have to write like a psychoanalysis ON MYSELF after reading this nobody talk to me i need a decade

portrait of fryderyk in shifting light - "what can you know about a person? they shift in the light. you can't light up all sides at once. add a second light and you get a second darkness, it's only fair." a second darkness mhmmmmmmmmm; "the life of a body is a nightamare." BRO; "i turned off my headlights of looking and let the animal get away."

glue - "longing and suffering? of course, of course." OF COURSE OF FUCKING COURSE; "the wrong things have been wired together. things that shouldn't touch."; "i turned the image over like a rock, but then the worms." OH BUT THEN THE WORMS yeah no this man needs to compensate for my mental health he's ruining me rn

half-light - OMFG I LOVE THAT I COULD LISTEN TO IT!!!! IN HIS OWN VOICE TOO!!! FUCK!!!!! and i 1000000000000000% agree that it just screams satosugu AND de like holy shit it does; de especially when i was listening to it, his voice definitely sounds like it belongs in martinaise; "-that suffocated, fearful look on your face."; "jim, yesterday i heard your wife on the phone tell me you died almost nine months ago. jim, now we cannot ever." how about we all just take a fucking breather bc i feel like i'm suffocating

love incarnate - "to all those driven berserk or humanized by love." damn off to a great start my hands are shaking; "he made him wake. he ordered him to eat my heart. he ate my burning heart. he ate it submissively, as if afraid as love wept." it amazes me so much how some people write and use their words bc WHAT THE FUCK he ate it submissively, as if afraid as love wept are you fucking kidding by any chance and i must note that love and hunger are just an insane duo i love reading anything that has those two combined (when are they not?)

dedication - "it’s true I never write, but I would gladly die with you." might as well slap this onto my forehead; "remember me. do you remember me?"; "although I never write, secretly I long to die with you, does that count?" and i long for a fucking gun ARI YOUR PICKS ARE IMMECALUTE

mouthful of forevers - "our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come."; "i will kiss you like forgiveness. you will hold me like I’m hope. our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book."; "and I will not be afraid of your scars."; "but please know: whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. i will love you when you are a still day. i will love you when you are a hurricane." i think out of all of these - this might be my favourite one (even though i thought this after every read..) it's simply beautiful

for m - "i hope you won’t need pills like i do."; "i think i get so scared because i’m greedy —  i want to hold onto everything, the world wants to take it away. what the fuck."; "please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it." it fucking hurts so good; remember when i said that the last one was my favourite ok so i might've lied bc this just might be the one fuck i love it so much ari

i can't tell you enough how much i appreciate you sharing these with me ari!! it means a lot!!!! i also have to say that i really loved reading what other people had to say on genius i think it's very cute when people share their thoughts like that<33333

i am sorry though that most of these were quotes and not a lot of my own commentary - i hope they still tell you more about myself bc all of these really resonated with me. i am still very much learning how to speak and write like a child bc well, the lovely quote "is it better to spear or to die" hangs over my head like a guillotine blade :)

ONTO DISCO ELYSIUM YAY!!!! THE GASP I LET OUT WHEN I SAW YOU SAY THAT U LOVE IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and hello???? i need to know your favourites too!!!!! am itching to know your favourite skill and quote heheheh btwbtwbtw do u play any other games?? i'm so curious

my favourite character has got to be harry though. through and through. from the first second i met him i knew - this is the guy. idk what it's really saying about us - the fact that he's our favourite..... other than the crystal clear fact that we are incredibly cool of course.

i do regret to inform u that i don't have a favourite quote to give u at this very moment BUT i promise to play it again very soon and then i'll write down all of my favourite ones just for you!! TRUST!!!! as for the favourite skill i'm gonna say inland empire for now!!! pretty popular one i figure but idc i like it a lot it's fun

gonna share some funny moments i had while playing this though! on my very first playthrough I DIED when first meeting evrart.................. he had one of his breakdowns and i was still getting into the game and i was so fucking confused as to what the actual fuck just happened overall a very #relatable situation though + on my second playthrough i was not lucky at all with getting the body down from the tree i think i had to retry it about five times?????? which i think is insane and i ended up having to put the body into the polar bear freezer lmao

YOU'VE PLAYED DISCO ELYSIUM AND IT'S YOUR FAVOURITE GAME WHAT IS HAPPENING I LITERALLY DON'T KNOW ANYONE ELSE WHO EVEN KNOWS THE GAME I LOVE IT SO MUCH WHAT THE HELL

- @softgirlgonehaywire

MICKEY???????? THE WAY OUR SOULS ARE LITERALLY BONDED ATP 😭😭😭😭 DUDEEEE im going a lil crazy. plsplspls i need to know ur fave character…. and ur fave skill……. and maybe ur fave quote if u have one……….. its legitimately like my favorite thing ever ever ever that game changed my LIFE

AAAA and. u asked for poetry book recs in ur other ask so i am here to deliver 🙏🙏🙏🙏

first of all!! richard siken…. he has two poetry books out at the moment, crush and war of the foxes!! i used to prefer crush but now i like war of the foxes more. its rly just a matter of personal preference, both are super good…. i said this already but i associate literally every single poem of his w at least one jjk character. mostly gojo or geto or kenny or shoko (i am predictable)

for some reason u can find literally all his poems on genius psjfjs but here are some of my faves from crush (first three) and war of the foxes (last four)!!

straw house, straw dog // planet of love // wishbone

landscape with a blur of conquerors // self-portrait against red wallpaper // portrait of fryderyk in shifting light // glue

but siken aside!!! frank bidart my beloved <333 hes so weird. his style of writing is very unique and can seem a bit very odd but u get used to it quickly!! i love him. my absolute favorite frank bidart poem is half-light, i’m fucking obsessed u dont understand, pls read it. (its so satosugu to me) and then u can find some other poems of his here! coincidentally his writing reminds me a LOT of disco elysium which is. probably maybe why i love it sm in the first place LMAO

AND AND AND…. lastly. ive tried getting into franz wright but i didnt like the collection of his that i bought :’3 HOWEVER hes written this one poem i absolutely adore, dedication. its so so so good. ”it’s true i never write, but i would gladly die with you” // ”although i never write, secretly i long to die with you, does that count?” have permanently altered the course of my destiny

… that was probably a lot im sorry PJDKFB i didnt even mention clementine von radics…. she has an instagram account where she posts some poems i think. ive run outof links so i cant show some i like but </3 her collection mouthful of forevers is super good!!

[pourcap]

thoughts: pg chapter 21

i can't believe this is the last chapter of book 2 already i don't want it to be over just yet :(

(...) He had knocked Damen’s hand off his shoulder when Damen had tried to stop him. i hate this. they're supposed to work together

(...) Charcy was a death trap. great!

'So you told him.' just like jord told laurent about aimeric having gone missing :) i mean, he's right of course about laurent needing to know who damen really is, but still.

'Just a man?’ said Jord. ‘You think Aimeric thought that? That there were two of him? Because there weren’t. There was only ever one, and look what happened to him.' ugh i hate that he's right. i love jord and i absolutely do not want him to leave laurent's service, but he fucked up, too.

'He was my uncle’s whore,’ said Laurent. do you ever just wanna shake him?

'A brother?’ said Laurent. ‘But I do not have terribly good luck with those. I hope you are not here for a mawkish display of sentiment. I will throw you out.' i feel so sad for laurent :( (i do find it interesting how he uses his own pain to hurt others though)

'Then you’ll kill them like you killed Nicaise,’ said Damen. ‘By dragging them into this endless, childish bid of yours for your uncle’s attention that you call a fight.' oh my god???? damen????

oh wow

damen is... not wrong

but like... the balls on this guy

i can't believe he said that to laurent wtf

'In a fight, you try to beat your opponent. You don’t scurry to do what he wants. This is about more than Charcy. You’ve never made a single move of your own against your uncle. You let him set the field. You let him make the rules. You play his games like you want to show him you can. Like you’re trying to impress him. Is that it?' WHAT THF UCK

ok to be honest though i never thought about it this way. damen is so smart. literally the best person laurent could ever wish to have around. who else would talk to him this way? i mean, it helps that damen was born the crown prince but wow. i am speechless actually

'(...) Are you that desperate for his attention?’ He let his eyes rake up and down Laurent’s form. ‘Well, you have it. Congratulations. You must have loved it that he was obsessed enough with you that he killed his own boy to get at you. You win.' OH. MY. GOD.

damen can be just as brutal as laurent seriously

i can't wrap my head around what i'm reading

(...) ‘You don’t know anything about me. Or my uncle. You’re so blind. You can’t see what’s—right in front of you.' (...) is laurent talking about his abuse?

'You’re nothing,’ said Laurent, ‘but a crawling disappointment who let a King’s bastard throw him in chains because he couldn’t keep his mistress happy in bed.' WHAT IS GOING ONNNN

you guys were happy and in love literally HOURS ago !!

'You want to hear the truth about my uncle? I’ll tell you,’ said Laurent, a new light in his eyes. ‘I’ll tell you what you couldn’t stop. What you were too blind to see. You were in chains while Kastor was cutting down your royal family. Kastor and my uncle.' ??????

what

("a new light in his eyes" man... laurent. was there therapy back then? i feel like everyone in capri needs it.)

'Did you think Theomedes died from natural sickness? All those visits from physicians that only made him sicker?' so, while we're at it: fuck the regent.

i want to give damen the biggest hug

'You didn’t guess it was Kastor? You poor dumb brute. Kastor killed the King, then took the city with my uncle’s troops. And all my uncle had to do was to sit back and watch it happen.' can they stop being assholes to each other PLEASE this is not the kind of thing they should be talking about like that :/

'(...) I just wish I could have seen it happen. I wish I could have seen Damianos when Kastor’s hire-swords came for him. I would have laughed in his face. (...) maybe if Theomedes had kept his cock in his wife instead of sticking it in his mistress—' again: OH MY GOD.

i would like to say that i am genuinely terrified of laurent finding out who damen really is :))))

That was the last thing he said, because Damen hit him. (...) okay not to condone this but to be fair, laurent really had it coming

Laurent pushed himself up and gave Damen a look glittering with triumph, even as he dragged the back of his right hand across his mouth, where his lips were smeared with blood. triumph?? what exactly did he gain from this? i get that laurent likes to needle people into giving him a reaction but damen, the only person who truly understands and looks out for him?? but i do get where he's coming from, obviously

nicaise's earring????? :((((( i am crying lol

'No,’ said Laurent. And then, ‘It was provoked.' at least he gets it

(but why are they fighting over damen's arrest? i am confused)

'No,’ he said. ‘You can’t go to Charcy. I need to convince you of that.' i love him. so much.

Laurent’s laugh was a strange, breathless sound. ‘Didn’t you hear anything that I just said to you?' great. now i just feel sad for him again. why does laurent keep making me feel all those things???

'Yes,’ said Damen. ‘You tried to hurt me, and you have. I wish you would see that what you have just done to me is what your uncle is doing to you.’ He saw Laurent receive that like a man at the very ends of his endurance being given another hit. ‘Why,’ said Laurent, ‘do you—do you always—’ He stopped himself. The rise and fall of his chest was shallow. i can't handle this!!! damen is so perceptive -- i really don't get why i keep seeing people say he's oblivious. i mean, he is, to things he doesn't understand, like deception. but this??? he understands people. he knew aimeric was going to be a problem within what felt like 3 seconds, appreciated jord's loyalty to laurent even when jord found out who damen is, etc. (also: laurent kind of admitting he was just trying to rile damen up and consequently push him away as a sort of defense mechanism makes me want to cry)

'I can’t.’ It was a raw admission. ‘I can’t think.’ The words were torn out of him. Wide-eyed in the silence, Laurent said them again in a different voice, his blue eyes dark with the exposure of the truth. ‘I can’t think.' i don't know what to say so i'll just let you know that i'm crying

(fuck the regent)

'Don’t go,’ said Laurent, quietly.' laurent just keeps on breaking my heart :')

(quick side note: i get why you're all so in love with him lol)

'No. I don’t mean—forever—just—’ Laurent broke off. ‘Three days.’ (...) I can’t seem to . . . think, and I can’t . . . trust anyone else to stand up to me when I’m . . . like this. (...)' he !!! trusts !!! damen !!! :(((((((((((( <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 (i mean, we knew that before, but wow. the character development. the difference in their relationship. i am just so blown away)

'Don’t,’ said Laurent. ‘Don’t lie to me. Not you.' NOT YOU

'(...) I just . . . I just liked him.’ Underneath the cold, analytical words, there was also something bewildered. :(((( god im still so sad about nicaise.

'He spoke up for me because he didn’t think my uncle would hurt him. None of them do. They think he loves them. (...)' hmm. reminds me of when laurent admitted he was surprised the first time the regent tried to kill him, that he never thought he'd actually go this far :/

'Like Aimeric,’ said Damen. Into the long silence that stretched out between them, Laurent said: ‘Like Aimeric.' god. you just know what laurent is really saying here is: 'like me'

ohh laurent saw the cuff

their mood changes give me whiplash

'To keep. I wouldn’t wear it,’ said Laurent, ‘though I don’t believe your imagination is having any difficulty with the idea.' lol yes call him out <3

what i really love about those two is that they BOTH just kept throwing accusations at each other, argued, got really personal, etc, but they understand each other so well by now to know why they said/did what they said/did and not hold it against each other :')

'Did you mean what you said? That you were glad.’ ‘Yes,’ said Laurent. ‘They killed my family.' ok time to be sad again

Because throw Laurent together with Damianos, and either one would kill the other, or, if Damen kept his identity concealed and they somehow managed to form an alliance . . . (...) He thought about the Regent’s suggestions to him, sly, subtle. (...) And the constant, pervasive insinuation: Have you taken my nephew? i am going to throw up lol

fuck the regent

and kastor

so far, kastor is just as non-existent as auguste in the books and guess which big bro doesn't suck (ofc the shitty one has to be the one still alive)

'(...) It was you who never quite fit . . . You’ve always been outside of his schemes. For everything that my uncle and Kastor planned,’ said Laurent, as Damen felt himself grow cold, ‘they had no idea what they did when they gifted me with you.' oh my god i love this. can't wait for laurent to laugh in his uncle's face right before he kills him <3

damen is such a softie oh my god he's just fantasizing about everything being okay and him being able to court laurent i can't believe this (also it makes my heart ache)

If the Regent wanted Damianos of Akielos standing alongside his nephew, he would get him. (...) that's so hot. i love damen so muchhhhhhh

But what he said was, ‘Are you sure you want to leave your enemy in charge of your fort?’ ‘Yes,’ said Laurent. They gazed at one another. because they aren't enemies anymoreeeee!!! <3

ok laurent is saying things in a way that makes me think he's got something up his sleeve. then again, when does he not?

nikandros???

oh my god

is it happening?

are we going to get damianos in book 3?

He was looking at Laurent’s signet ring. wait. what?

laurent wanted nikandros to come?

am i reading this correctly?

He said it as it opened up inside him, ‘They are our reinforcements.' THAT WAS AN ENTIRE BOOK AGO

what the fuck

i know laurent plans ahead (and has planned ahead) but oh my god

what is laurent's brain???? what are his genes????

(...) Damen and Damianos. And Jord was right. There had only ever been one of him. He said, ‘Open the gates.' i am so excited for this

on the other hand: i am scared. bc now there is no way laurent won't know who damen is, right? unless nikandros doesn't recognize damen which i don't think is possible. so, like. what's going to happen?? (*chuckles: i am in danger* meme)

(...) Had they always been like this? So stripped of everything but the utilitarian? So hungry for war? i LOVE the reflection. so much has changed for damen and i am so so so happy he's seeing the world with new (less arrogant) eyes

Because an Akielon man was dismounting from his horse, beneath the main standard, and Damen’s heart was pounding. (...) i am confused. damen is so happy to see nikandros and i know they were friends so... why did we learn literally nothing beyond his military status over the course of two books?? did damen just not allow himself to think too much of his life back home in akielos bc he'd miss it too much or...?

'The last time we spoke, the apricots were in season,’ said Damen, in Akielon. ‘We walked in the night garden, and you took my arm and gave me counsel, and I did not listen.' so, nikandros warned damen about kastor. imagine telling your best friend his life is in danger and him being too arrogant to take any of it seriously. and then your friend actually dying... (as far as you know)

He said, ‘Damianos.’ Before Damen could tell him to rise, he heard it again, echoed in another voice, and then another. It was passing over the gathered men in the courtyard, his name in tones of shock and of awe. The steward beside Nikandros was kneeling. And then four of the men in the front ranks. And then more, dozens of men, rank after rank of soldiers. oh my god

'He lives. The King’s son lives. Damianos.' AAAAAHHHHHH

can't wait for the third book lol

(a few pages without laurent at the end and i have already begun to miss him)

[literallyjusttoa]

Personal Entry #1

Ok, so Dionysus told me I should start writing in this journal after the last solstice meeting. It’s supposed to help me through the mental health crisis he seems to be convinced I’m going through. Something about “introspection” and “keeping track of your emotions”. I’m not convinced, but maybe it’ll make me feel a little better.

Zeus is a dick.

Yeah, that feels fun to write.

I’ve been fine. Sure, Father has me on a tight leash, but he’s done that before. I’ve just got to wait him out. It’s a bit worse now, because I refuse to suck up to him like I used to do, but it’s not like I thought our relationship would magically improve after the trials. If it causes a bit of a longer wait, then I can handle it.

He’ll forget about this ultimatum soon enough, and then I’ll get to see Meg again. So really, I have no reason to be sad. See Dionysus, I’ve solved my mental health! Take that so-called god of therapy! (That’s not even an official domain of his anyway)

I’ll probably keep writing these either way, just to keep track of all of the things I need to do. The memory gaps from my time as a mortal haven’t really gone away yet, so I should start keeping a planner. (A planner! What am I, 7,000?) Plus, I can use it to shove my amazing mental fortitude in Dionysus’ face, and then he’ll stop looking at me like Father threatened to shoot my prized cattle.

He only threatened to kill my children, and it’s not like that’s a new thing

[the-iceni-bitch]

Into the Deep End

Pairing: Mr. Freezy x hit woman!fem reader, implied past Officer Bill x reader

Words: ~1.7k

Summary: Bill finds out.

Warnings: explicit language, explicit sexual content (unprotected vaginal sex, rough sex, spitting, slapping, marking, choking, cream pie, multiple orgasms, caught kink), Bill gets his heart broken, mean Bobby and kitten, 18+ ONLY!!!

A/N: This one was a bitch to get out for some reason but I did it! Finally closed out our Bill arc and I’ve got lots of fun things in the work for our psychos (including some fun with new psychos)

I am no longer doing taglists so if you want to stay up to date on all the latest filth, follow my sideblog @the-iceni-library and turn on notifications!

Bill grinned as he walked towards your front door, hefting the tiny velvet box in one hand and the flowers in the other and giving a little skip. Sure, his family and friends were adamant that he was moving too fast, but he was head over heels for you, and if the ring was a little smaller than you deserved, he’d just get you one with a bigger stone once you’d been married for a few years. Plus, once you were engaged maybe you’d finally let him stick it in you.

That was weird, your lights were on and your car was in the driveway but you weren’t answering the door. You were probably in your kitchen or something, no matter, you gave him your key for a reason. And now he could hopefully make his surprise even better.

“Mmm, right there.”

Huh, that sounded like your neighbor. Bill knew you’d been helping the guy out ever since he fell off his ladder and broke like five bones, maybe you were just giving him a hand with some physical therapy again.

“That’s it, such a good little kitten. Give it to me.”

Ok, maybe that physical therapy involved you… massaging him? The noises that were coming from your house were making him feel confused. You… you couldn’t be doing what it sounded like, you wouldn’t. You were in love, he was going to marry you…

“Oh Bobby, yes!”

No. No no no no no no no no…. Bill wrenched the back door open and froze at the sight that greeted him. His first thought was how beautiful you were, the way your back arched as you let out an obscene moan and threw your head back made him ache deep in his core. At least until he got a better look at what you were doing.

You were straddling your neighbor’s hips and riding him right on your couch, half dressed and wanton and so beautiful it made it hard for him to be as angry as he wanted to be. But then he just had to see that asshole’s fingers digging into your thighs and his lips on your throat and the way he growled into your skin when you buried your fingers in his hair, and then he felt his heart break.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“Billy?! Oh… oh no.” You clutched your blouse closed and climbed off your neighbor with a curse, crawling over his cast and yanking your skirt down over your hips as you scurried towards Bill. “Honey, I’m sorry…”

“You’re… I don’t understand.” Bill felt like he was going to cry, glaring at your neighbor as he struggled to yank his jeans back into place before turning his watery gaze back to you and dropping the flowers he was holding as he let out a pained sigh. “We’re in love, you love me.”

“I do, Billy, I love you so much.” You reached out to him and gave him a sad smile when he leaned into your touch, wincing when he realized what you were doing and recoiled like you had slapped him. “This wasn’t supposed to happen, Billy, we didn’t mean to…”

“You didn’t mean to? Well what the fuck were you trying to do then?” Bill hated how badly he wanted to seek comfort in you, just needing to step forward and press his face to your neck and he knew all his pain would be gone. “Goddamn it!”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, Billy, I… I just care about you so much, but Bobby…” You peeked at your neighbor over your shoulder and smiled at him, and Bill could have spat on the man. “It was just, after Mary we got so close, no one else knew what we were going through, we couldn’t help it, we love each other.”

“You love each other.” Bill just stared at you stupidly, he understood you were saying, he hated that he understood it, he knew tragedy brought people together, but goddamn if it didn’t hurt so much. “How long has this been going on?”

“This was the first time, I promise.” You wrang your hands together as you kept staring at him, biting your lip in that way he loved and making him just want to forgive you every bad thing you’d ever done.

“I can’t… what the fuck am I supposed to do, now? I need you, Suzy.”

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” You tutted softly when he sagged with defeat against your wall, huffing out a deep breath when you reached out and squeezed his shoulder and gazing at you with watery eyes. “I wish I could be it for you, Billy, but me and Bobby just make sense. We’ve been through too much together.”

“I… I know.” Bill sighed and stepped closer to you, gently cupping your cheek and tracing his thumb over its curve while you gazed up at him. “I just want you to be happy, darlin’. Couldn’t you be happy with me?”

“Billy, please don’t make this harder for me.” You kissed his palm and he let out a little sniff. “You deserve a girl who’s going to be able to give you her whole heart, and that’s just not me. I wish it was.”

“Fuck, I love you so much.” Bill squeezed your shoulder and gave you a soft kiss on the forehead. “If he ever hurts you, you come find me.” He didn’t trust that guy, his wife hadn’t even been dead a year and he was already moving in on you? Sketchy. “I can’t… I need to go.”

“Wait, Billy!” You grinned to yourself when he stormed out of your house, leaning against your door frame and doing your best to sound appropriately sad as you watched him walk away all hunched over. “I’m so sorry, Billy!”

Bobby was shaking his head at you when you finally turned back around, rolling his eyes indulgently when you climbed into his lap and nipped playfully at his jaw.

“You finally done? Happy you made that pathetic pussy cry?” He smacked your ass when you bit his cheek before grabbing your hair and wrenching your head back, growling when you whined as he scraped his teeth over your throat. “Got so fucking sick of your stupid little game, seemed like you forgot who you belong to kitten.”

“Shut the fuck up.” You dug your nails into his chest and purred when he snarled at you, grinding yourself over him nice and slow and brushing your nose over his. “Didn’t fucking forget, but I have missed you marking me up.”

“Yeah? ‘A course you did.” He slid his hand around your throat and squeezed, grinning wickedly when you let out a small whimper and jolted over him. “‘Cause you need me to treat you like the nasty little bitch you are, huh kitten? And you are my bitch, tell me.”

“Fuck you… shit.” You moaned when he slapped you, leaning forward to tug at his lips with your teeth when he grabbed his cock and tapped his leaking tip against your clit. “Yeah, I’m yours, you fucking bastard. You gonna show everyone?”

“Yeah.” He thrust up into you and you keened, tossing your head back and arching into him as he fucked into you viciously. “Gotta break you back in, kitten, remind this sweet little snatch who owns it, mark up this pretty skin of yours. Come on kitten, beg me for it.”

“Fuck me, Bobby.” You whined when he sank his teeth into your tit, his fist around your neck cutting off your air while he kept pounding into your swollen pussy. You hated how much you had missed it, but he knew just what you needed, he really did own you. “Do it, show all those assholes who I belong to.”

“That’s my good girl, choking my fucking dick, this is what you were made for, kitten.” He groaned when your eyes fluttered closed and your face started to go lax from lack of air, your cunt fluttering wildly around him as he left bites all over your chest before stretching his neck to suck on your lips. “Open your fucking mouth.”

You let your mouth fall open and groaned when he spat on your tongue before sucking on it vulgarly, the hand that wasn’t curled around your throat digging into your waist so he could shove you down on his cock. As soon as he felt you come he released your neck, purring into your mouth when you screamed for him while your vision whited out as pleasure raged through your system and made you feel like you were going to pass out.

“God, Bobby… fuck.” You sighed when he yanked your head to the side so he could drag his tongue over the bruise he’d left on your throat, his cock still hitting you hard and deep as he growled against your skin. “What are the neighbors gonna think?”

“Don’t fucking care.” He grinned when you rolled your body into his, biting your ear and smacking your ass before bringing a hand between the two of you to pinch at your clit. “Mine, you’re mine, this perfect body, this tight little snatch, all mine. Sick of hiding it, now gimme another one, kitten. C’mon keep being my good girl and cream all over me, then I’ll fill this gorgeous cunt like I know you’ve been missing.”

He cooed demeaningly in your ear when you sobbed as your entire body shook around him, your release flooding his cock and soaking his thighs while you clenched down on his cock and sagged into his shoulder. All you could do was mumble stupidly when you felt him swell and pulse inside you, his warm cum shooting haphazardly against your abused and swollen walls until it was leaking out of you and creating an even bigger mess of you two.

“That’s it, told you this is what you needed, kitten. ‘S what you were made for, to be my stupid little cockdrunk slut.” He chuckled when you hissed at him, pressing his lips to your temple even as he shoved his cum back inside you around the base of his cock while you nipped at his throat. “Don’t worry kitten, just rest that pretty little head of yours and then we can work at moving you in. Like I said, sick of hiding.”

[dinogoofy]

Erron black/F! Reader

Old friend.

This one took a little bit, sorry if it's not quite as quality as my other fics!

MAJOR TW for Guns, threats, and Kano being a dick to precious puppies.

You and Erron black had grown up together. Two kids brought closer by horrible lives. Sharing the scraps of food you had with each other. Ranting about awful parents, ranting about school. In your teenage years, you were the one to patch him up after fights. He was the one to beat the shit out of your bullies. The two of you hated that town and everyone in it. You used to think the two of you would stay as thick as thieves forever. Your paths only split when you wanted to live a normal life. Live the peaceful, country way you had seen so many others do, but never grew up with yourself. Erron, however, only wanted money, glory. He wanted to take the back roads and do all the things normal folks wouldn't dare to get his fill. 

You didn't understand his choice to be a mercenary, but it wasn't your choice to make for him. Whatever life he wanted to have was good enough for you as long as he made it out of that shitty town. He didn't contact you much. He only really showed up on your doorstep when he was dying and needed someone to patch him up. But at least he was coming to see you, right? 

With a sigh you stepped into your little country home, smiling slightly at the immediate sounds of your fur babies running to meet you. A blur of orange fur rushing to thread between your legs and trip you, while your sweet pound mutt waited patiently for you to set your keys on the key rack. 

"Hey boys." Chester meowed at you rather loudly, only to take off when you leaned down to pet him. The crazy feline darting under Archie's body as he happily waited for his own pets. It was easy to smile at the warm welcome, immediately a little more relaxed after finally getting home. You stretched at the door, setting your bag down to head into the kitchen.

The first thing you settled on was giving your boys their long-awaited scoops of food, both of them sat down neatly next to each other. Only Archie waited for your go-ahead, Chester already digging in by the time you gave him a laughing "Ok, Archie." 

You patted your mutt before taking some leftovers out, eyes catching on the printed photo of you and Erron from senior year. It's been a few months since last he came to visit. The thought made you a little sad. But the memory of the photo gave you a nostalgic, happy feeling. With an arm slung around his shoulders, and a goofy look on your face, Erron was the complete opposite of you. The goof pretended to be annoyed at your antics, but you could see the slight smile at the corner of his lips.

"Come on! Just one photo. It's not like it's going to kill you, Erron."

"It's not going to kill me, no. But I might end up killing you."

"Pfft- yeah right."

Your smile grew a bit wider. You sat down at the table alone as you finished your dinner. Erron had always been a strange one. Always tough, trying to be unfeeling. Not wanting anyone to be close. Not wanting any affection besides the one-night stands and the women he infatuated. Always the one to flirt, but never with you.

No. Not ever with you. You smirked. He always acted differently around you. More nervous, more fidgety. You'd been in love with him since before you even knew what love truly was. And you had known for years that he loved you back. You had just been waiting for him to admit it. You'd scoffed at yourself time and time again for not making the first move, but Erron wasn't ready for that. You didn't think he was, at least. You just wished he had gotten therapy like you had asked him to.

The scraping of your fork against your plate was your only indication that you had finished eating, you definitely spaced out a bit. You always did when you thought of Erron. Maybe he would visit soon. Maybe you should stop thinking that to make yourself feel better. 

The plate clicked lightly against the floor when you set it down for Archie to lick before you set it in the sink. By the time you turned off all the lights and headed to bed Chester was already asleep on your pillow, Archie curled up in his own bed next to the nightstand. You moved the orange tabby slightly to the side so you could lay down, and he yelled in protest the way that annoyed kitties do. It was easy to slip into a comfortable sleep with your boys next to you. 

The sound of your sweet Archie growling a feral warning was what woke you up that night. You shot out of bed, ripping off the covers and grabbing the shotgun from under your mattress. Archie never growls. An unhinged bark sent a jolt of panic through you, along with Chester, who woke up to sprint under your bed and hide. Archie certainly never barked. Not like that. Not in that way. Something was wrong. You clicked off the safety and cocked the shotgun.

You moved slowly at first, creeping your way over to the sound of Archie's growls, but when he let out a sharp whine, your vision went white-hot with rage. 

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DOG!" You shouted, finally turning the corner and into the living room where two figures lurked. The lamp was still on, and as your eyes adjusted you could make out the masked face of Erron, and the form of some asshole looming over Archie with your baby backed into a wall. 

Erron didn't respond at all at the sight of you. The unknown figure by your dog stood up slowly and whistled.

"You did say she was a feisty one." You scowled, keeping the gun pointed squarely on the man.

"Erron. I don't know why you're fucking here, but please tell me you don't know this asshole so I can just shoot him." Erron rolled his eyes at you. The figure laughed, moving away from Archie, who sprinted over to you so that he could cower behind your legs. Your eyes were trained on the figure as he proceeded to sit in your own fucking armchair.

"Name's Kano. Leader of the black dragon." The black dragon. The group of mercenaries that Erron had joined. Why the fuck did Erron bring this guy into your home. Erron called your name.

"Set the gun down, sugar." You didn't take your eyes off of Kano. 

"Respectfully, Erron, I don't think I will." Kano laughed, but you didn't think anything was funny. Erron called your name again, strutting over to you carelessly. Archie growled as he got closer. He set a hand on the gun, pushing it down.

"Calm. Down." You huffed but gave in. Sending your friend a nasty look as you lowered your defense. Erron wouldn't willingly let you be in danger. There's no way he would. You had to remember that.

"We came here for some help. 'Know that cave at the edge of your property?" The cave? You found it when you had just moved in, part of an old interlocking set of mining tunnels carved out of the land in the early 1900s. When you checked it out at first, it was Erron who actually went with you. You had a fond memory of fucking around in the tunnel, only to find an old elevator next to a dead-end tunnel with bloody handprints and markings that trailed across the wall and into the elevator. That was enough to get the two out of there. What would they want with it?

"What about it?"

"Those runes we found in it match what a client is looking for. We just want to check it out, and get outa' you're way." You laughed, glancing between Kano, who was currently putting a cigarette out on your favorite chair- and Erron, who still stood next to you in an almost defensive manner.

"Am I supposed to believe that there's no catch to this? No killer secrets? No blackmail?" Kano snickered, standing from his chair and walking over to you. You stood strong, but the beating of your heart sped up. You hated feeling afraid.

"The catch is, you show us the cave, and we leave your little buddy here alive." You scowled, and Erron sighed deeply at his boss, knowing already that he had started something.

"First of all, you don't get shit if you threaten my dog, asshole. You piece of human sh-"

"Just think of it as a favor between friends." Erron interrupted. You frowned at his words. His paycheck was definitely depending on it. Your thoughts split In two different ways. One, the fact that he's using your friendship to manipulate you into doing him a favor, two… it felt relieving that he still thought of you as friends. 

You finally gave in, sighing and relaxing almost completely. Archie nuzzles your leg before running off. You turned your head just slightly to watch him out of confusion when a sudden yank catches your attention. Kano had snatched your shotgun straight out of your hands. Erron stiffened next to you.

"I'll take that!" 

"You-!" Erron held out back just as you went to lunge at Kano. You struggled against him for just a moment before he gave you a bit of a push to set you back. What had gotten into him?!

"Ah ah ah! Sorry, Sheila, there's no way we're gonna let you keep this on you. Erron?" Kano taunted. You went to yell in protest but only yelped, Erron's hands suddenly holding onto your arm.

"Just comply. It'll be over soon." Erron whispered. You grumbled in protest but didn't fight it as they took you from your warm house. 

Kano walked proudly ahead of you and Erron while navigating to the cave. Fucker didn't even know where he was going. You had been scowling the whole time, a surprising feat while Erron was around. Speaking of which, His hand on your arm had softened its hold, but the strangest thing was that he still wouldn't look at you.

"This is your idea of a visit?" You mumbled to him. He shook his head, his heavy steps landing on a twig he forcefully snapped as you walked. He was definitely in a mood.

"This' a business trip, hun. Wouldn't be here if it weren't for that." You snickered.

"Yeah right. You'd end up here eventually." You said the words but didn't quite believe them as you walked. "Don't think you could stay away if you tried."

"-And I tried." You ignored the painful sting in your chest, going silent before shouting another set of directions to Erron's dipshit boss. You could almost feel Erron's gaze change as his eyes remained on you.

"-look, I didn't want you to get caught up in all this. It's bad enough that I'm here now." The words made you frown slightly. You elbowed Erron in the side, trying to make a little light of the situation.

"Better than Kano coming out here by himself." Erron laughed. 

" 'Betcha you'd've killed him the moment he stepped into your house."

"I almost did." You couldn't see Erron's smile through his mask, but the happy look in his eyes was infectious. You couldn't help but blush a bit, walking closer to him. His hold on your arm was loose and comfortable at this point, and you couldn't make yourself break out of it.

"You lovebirds done shit-talking or what?" God, you hated this Kano guy. The rest of the walk was silent. After about 30 minutes of almost tripping on fallen limbs, you finally made it to the cave. 

"Quite a big place for such a little property, huh?" You didn’t respond to Kano. Ignoring him as Erron guided you to walk past him.

"Oh don't be coy. Where'd all that fire go?" Kano was taunting you again, but both you and Erron ignored him this time. Erron spoke over him when he tried to speak a third time.

"Which way d'you go from here?" You laughed.

"You think I know? I try to stay away from this place as much as I can. Haven't been here since you were with me." Erron furrowed his eyebrows, taking a moment to click a flashlight on. He looked around for a moment, before setting out in a direction. Kano followed behind, a little too close to your back for your liking. 

Shivers ran rampant across your skin when you finally found the elevator. Kano pushed past you forcefully, knocking you off balance. Erron caught you with a steady hand around your waist. You relaxed in his touch, and once again pushed forward.

"Ahh! Look at that beauty!" Kano took out a camera, and you flinched at the flash. 

"I'm sure the client won't mind if we keep a few copies of the pictures to ourselves, now would he?" Kano laughed. Being around Erron was nice, but you were losing your patience. It was late, you had work in the morning, and you were just plain tired of this black dragon bullshit. You didn't notice when Erron's arm fell away from yours.

"Look, I showed you the cave. Just give me my gun, and let me go back to bed." Kano snickered at your words, Erron loomed behind you. 

"I don't think you'll be going far." Kano spat on the ground after he spoke, you scowled. 

"Excuse me?" Kano's smile was gritty and disgusting. He whistled at Erron, walking past you with your shotgun held loosely in his grip. You contemplated snatching it, but when you whipped around-

It almost felt like you couldn't breathe. You were staring down the barrel of Erron's pistol for a long moment. 

"Look kid, we can't have someone like you knowing about this cave thing, it's too risky and all that blabber, you understand. You've been such a delightful host and all, but it's time for you to go." Kano laughed.

"Can't tell any divine dipshits about our little meeting if she's dead anyway, now can she Erron?" Erron had never been so out of focus before, his stomach wringing in knots. He hardly knew what to think as he pointed the gun at you, something he'd never thought he'd ever do.

"Hey?" A little voice called out. A little face leaning down to peer at the little boy with his head buried unto his knees. He hardly glanced up. 

"Hi." He had murmured so quietly.

"Do you want to share this sandwich with me? You look lonely."

"Erron?" Your voice quivered. Panic was written all over your face. His finger lingered on the trigger as his chest squeezed.

"Sit still, dumbass." You squeezed his bloodied arm.

"That shit burns!" He hissed out. You laughed at him, dabbing at the large cut he had gotten from some idiot with broken glass on the school grounds.

"Well duh. It's isopropyl alcohol. It's gonna burn like hell." He was cute when he was confused. You laughed. 

"It disinfects the wound, Erron."

"... I knew that. I'm not fucking stupid." He had grumbled.

"Nothin' personal." He finally spoke. The words hurt him as they came out.

"That's not how you use a rifle." Throwing popcorn, at Erron, you quickly stole the remote to turn the volume up.

"Shh! Just shut up and enjoy the movie. Westerns aren't exactly supposed to be realistic."

"Well I can't really enjoy an unrealistic western, can I?- he's holding that wrong-"

Your face started to shift from panic to anger as kano patted Erron's shoulder, walking back into the rickety elevator.

"Panicked now, aren't ya Sheila? Want to beg? Or are you the proud sort?" You snarled at him.

"No." You said stiffly. "No. I want to see you do it, Erron." Kano laughed from the elevator. Erron remained stiff, his smooth voice taking a moment to come out.

"Look, you don't know-"

"I said do it, Erron!" You snapped, stepping closer to the cowboy. He didn't step back, his hand didn't waver. You stepped close enough to him that the barrel of his pistol pressed to your forehead. 

"Go ahead! Be Kano's little lapdog. Shoot me." You spat, the adrenaline working its way into your system. "Shoot me and say goodbye to all the FUCKING years I took care of your ass and bury me in that shitty town we grew up in Erron!" Erron's stone-faced seriousness finally broke, and even though he was wearing a mask you could still see the rage in his eyes as he grabbed you by the collar of your shirt and forcefully yanked you closer to him. He kept the gun pressed to the side of your head.

"Do you have any idea who you're provoking? You. don't. know me. anymore. Sugar. You don't have any idea what I'm capable of!" You let out a curt laugh.

"You and I both know I still do." You snarled. Both of you went silent, the tension crackling between the two of you. You could see the panic that hid under the steely overlaying emotion in his eyes. Only Kano's ongoing childish taunts remained.

"Well then, Erron? Get on with it!" Erron's stiff posture remained, he spoke to Kano, but his eyes remained on yours. 

"Fuck off Kano." Kano didn't take that well.

"Excuse me? I'm your boss, dipshit. You can't just-" All of a sudden, Erron pushes you back, reels around, and shoots through the spaces in the old metal elevator, the bullet hits the back of the wall, and ricochets through the old, decaying pulley rope that held it up. Kano looks up in horror and rage. His screaming and cursing faded as the elevator launched down and crashed to the very bottom of the mine.

All is silent. All that can be heard is your labored breathing from all the shouting and adrenaline.

"Still want me to shoot you?" Erron asks. Speaking smug words with a tone only you could recognize as him trying to hide his panic. You scowled again. Walking over to him with tears stinging at the corner of your eyes.

"You're such a fucking asshole!" You shouted, punching him in the shoulder. Erron didn't flinch.

"And?" You couldn't stop the tears now. All the pain, and heartbreak, and sadness rushing out at once. You weekly hit his shoulder one more time, and grappled him into a hug, burying your face into his chest without being able to stop your sobs. Erron stood stiff. After a moment, his arms slid around your waist, and he held you back tightly.

"Kano's gonna kill you for that." You laughed through the tears. Erron didn't respond. His hand left your side for only a moment, and when it held onto again he had taken off his mask, letting it drop to the floor. Erron buried his face into your hair, holding you a bit tighter than before. 

It was quiet again. Erron squirmed after a moment.

"...I wouldn't have buried you in that town." You snorted, not taking your face out of his chest, biting your nails into the fabric of his shirt just a bit.

"So you admit you would've shot me?" Erron didn't react to the words. He only sighed into your hair, lifting a hand to pinch your ear. You pulled yourself out of his chest with a laugh, and his hands settled on your waist. You wiped your tears, your nose, and tried to make yourself a little better. It didn't really work. Erron could see that. He lifted a calloused hand to your cheek anyway.

"Just because you've come to your fucking senses doesn't mean I'm not still mad." You sniffled, smiling still as the bitter words fell out of your mouth.

"Yeah, well you should be. Kano was being an asshole anyway. That's the only reason I let you go." Erron coughed, you raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not buying it. He rolled his eyes, huffing through his nose.

"... Maybe not the only reason." The smile returned to your face, and you rolled your eyes at him this time. At this point, it was almost like he didn't realize it himself.

"God, you're really not fooling anyone, dumbass." Erron scowled, about to retort when you decided, Fuck it. And clutched his face to pull him into a kiss. He didn't respond at first, stiff and uneasy.  Always so stubborn. After a second or two though, he melted into your lips, pulling you closer. It was hard to hold on to all your anger when he was just so kissable. He'd get his ass beaten for this little stunt. You would make sure of that, but right now all you wanted to focus on was the relieving kiss you had waited so long for.