#ok maybe not sad but what am i supposed to do about that? therapy?

[one-lucky-strike]

i aim to be one thing: a sad man with the right amount of muscle like donald malarkey.

[thatanimewriter]

KEEPER.

➳ synopsis: you were put up for adoption the day you were born, and though you don’t exactly hate your life, you can’t help but think ‘if a day old baby isn’t enough to keep, what is?’

➳ character/s: sebastian michaelis, grell sutcliffe, joker, gregory violet

➳ warnings: swearing, mentions of abortion (sebastian), hurt/comfort, they/them pronouns for grell because i am not getting into the ‘man or woman’ argument again-

➳ notes: this is by far the most vent-y thing i’ve ever written thus far because i am LITERALLY in the same position as the reader in this. same ‘backstory’ same thoughts SO THIS IS JUST ME EXPELLING FEELINGS I PROMISE I’M OK ._. 

𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 / 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭  / 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐬 / 𝐰𝐢𝐩 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

── 𝐒𝐄𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐀𝐍 𝐌𝐈𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐒.

he probably noticed you had insecurities very fast

didn’t know what over though

he thought about snooping around to figure it out

it was the constant scanning of a room and impeccable perception of body language for him

it felt like you were constantly ready for something to go wrong

and you HAD to be there to comfort and support every time someone was upset

didn’t find out about anything for a while until it was mother’s day and you hid for a little bit of the day

sebastian also probably snooped in your desk and found some letters with vent-y things written in them

things like maybe your parents should’ve gotten an abortion

you don’t understand why anyone would ever love you because the people who were supposed to love you ended up giving you away

nothing you do is ever good enough

now that he knows the reason behind some weird behaviour, there’s a lot more understanding 

he’ll put more effort into making you feel better about simply existing

and lots of praise to let you know you’re doing good and that you’re enough

but he doesn’t miss the expression you make when he tells you these things

he knows you still don’t believe him

it’s ok, he’ll just have to make you believe him eventually :))

── 𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐒𝐔𝐓𝐂𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐅𝐄.

dotes on you all the time

because of that, they probably don’t realise you still have problems with being loved

they love you so much, what do you mean you think they’re lying??

they picked up on it the first time they told you they love you and reasons they love you

because you looked REALLY uncomfortable

n they were like “omg did i say something wrong-”

no, it’s just that you think you’re incapable of being loved, grell didn’t do anything wrong

when you first told them that was the reason

AUDIBLE GASP

and a big therapy session with our icon

they probably cried when you said you don’t think you’ll ever be enough for anyone or anything

would like to try to help you, but they have no clue how to get you to think otherwise

so i guess you just need to get used to them being your partner

because they’re not gonna abandon you (even if you were as a baby) and they love you to the moon and back >:((

grell still cries to themselves when they think about how little trust you have in people caring for you

will now probably kill whoever decides to tell you that no one loves you because you’re adopted

death scythe to the neck, baby

── 𝐉𝐎𝐊𝐄𝐑.

would understand you the most, but not fully

he’s still adopted in a way, so he understands the trauma behind it

but he’ll still ask you about it to understand

he likely already knew about your backstory, but he didn’t realise how much being orphaned at day one really took a toll on you

it was a lot of frankly overwhelming offers to help that made him suspicious

because he doesn’t think anyone else has offered help so much even when they probably can’t afford to do so

notices that you work yourself so hard to the point of fainting and is super concerned

when he asked about it and you said you feel like a waste of space if you’re not being productive, he’s a very sad boy

very set on letting you recognise that you don’t need to be ‘of use’ for people to want to be around you and be friends with you

but he will start helping you as well to make you see that he isn’t trying to take advantage of your kindness

you can have nice late night therapy sessions with him if you ever want to talk about things

like how you do things to trick yourself into thinking you’re being productive like playing a little puzzle game they have in the circus

he for sure understands the part where you have both attachment and abandonment issues

you meet new people and it’s like a honeymoon phase

and then quickly you start overthinking if you’re being annoying or if they hate you about a week later

he’s always there to cheer you up when that happens

lots of words of affirmation, even if you struggle to accept them

── 𝐆𝐑𝐄𝐆𝐎𝐑𝐘 𝐕𝐈𝐎𝐋𝐄𝐓.

he’s so eccentric that oddly enough

i think he’d be the best at actually taking in and interpreting the information

in an artistic way, of course :))

but he always wanted to use you as a model for his paintings and sketches

and he started thinking there was something you hadn’t told him about you

because you seemed to change personalities and deflect compliments ALL THE TIME

he figured out the extent of your trauma after he said

“you are loved, and you are wanted.”

and you burst into tears 

he panicked at first, worried that he upset you, but he was happy to know you cried because you could finally believe someone when they said it

maybe it’s because he doesn’t often throw those statements out there

he makes more arty pieces inspired by you and how you feel about certain things

like your different ‘personalities’ that he sees, just differences in vibe and slight changes in body language when you want to come off as a certain way

he’s very happy that you believe him though, because he realises how hard it is for you to depend on anyone else

and how little trust you have in others that they won’t use you or abandon you

has drawn you like a porcelain doll before with cracks in the body because it’s still beautiful even if you’re ‘broken’

and writes you little notes or poems daily

[cowgurrrl]

ok what am I supposed to do now the one for the money, two for the show is done!!!?! I would love more lord while I go back a reread everything from the beginning!

If you’re taking requests maybe quick snapshots of the year apart? Not to get too personal but I have a crush and I’ve been stalking their social media but like in a chill way (or I’m trying to) I imagine reader and Joel both seeing each others accomplishments or posts or being tagged in things and just being happy for each other but also….the longing

A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be

Pairing: rockstar!joel miller x actress!reader

Author's note: this is so angsty i'm sorry

Summary: This ask

Warnings: angst, yearning, oh it's so sad

Joel Miller's New Album Set to Break Records

Everything We Know About Joel Miller's New Album Glass House

Glass House Expected to Go Platinum Before Next Month

What Songs on Joel Miller's New Album Are About Famous Actress Ex?

You almost text Joel about the headlines and theories flooding your timeline. Almost. You actually started typing out a message before reading the last message you sent him almost four months ago and quickly deleting it. You're happy for him. You really are. In the pictures from his album release party, he looked insanely happy, posing with Ellie and Sarah and hugging his musician friends in celebration. He even played one of his newest songs, "Love-in-idleness," at the party with only his acoustic guitar and that deep voice of his. You think you would know it's about you even if he didn't tell you about it before you left. Love-in-idleness is the flower used in A Midsummer Night's Dream to make a love potion to unite the couples. It's common knowledge, but Joel might be one of the only people in the world who knows how much that play means to you. The song quickly becomes one of your favorites, but you don't tell him.

You scroll through his social media unashamedly. Dave Grohl and half the world congratulates him on his album release. He's making the music he's always wanted to make. Sarah told you she got into UCLA, and Ellie is drawing again. He's happy. They all are. So, why do you feel so shitty? Neither of you has deleted the pictures of each other from your profiles. It feels like a staring contest, seeing who will hold the torch of your relationship longer. It doesn't help that people are screenshotting the pictures of you together to "add context" to Joel's lyrics. The one that makes you break down is a quick snapshot someone took of you leaning on him in Central Park when you were watching the guitarist with lyrics from "The Yellow Subway." 

She knows more than me. You better believe

That city couldn't hold her right, but then

I couldn't either.

Despite the heartbreaking lyrics, you two look comfortable together— your head on his shoulder and his hand in yours. You cry in between scenes, ruining your makeup and having a mini-therapy session with your makeup artist, Saoirse, as a result. You don't post anything about his new album, but you put on a happy face and post snapshots from your time spent in Ireland thus far. Pitchers of Guinness, the Cliffs of Moher, stunningly green mornings, and a picture of you and the film crew hiding out in a tent while the rain comes down around you. Joel likes the photos but makes no other move to communicate with you.

You wonder if he's torturing himself in the same way you are. You wonder if he's waiting for a headline about you dating someone new like you are for him. You wonder if he's hurting the way you are. Selfishly, you hope he is because that means he still thinks of you. You also want him to hurt because he hurt you. You still love him, but you can't be the woman who crawls back to someone who can't trust her with things, like telling her the mother of his child is back in town. 

This is what's best. It's what needs to happen. You need to be here, working, and he needs to be there, being a dad and making music. It doesn't make it any easier or soothe the ache in your heart, but it's necessary. It's for your own good. Right? 

Right?

[sentimentalmachine]

I'm so heartbroken. My brother's cat died today. I loved that cat so much and my brother loved him even more. He was only 8. He was such a sweet guy. I haven't seen him in so long and now I never will. We were supposed to have a family Halloween party today but my brother didn't make it because he was taking the cat to the emergency vet. I didn't know until I got home and saw facebook what the outcome was. I really wanted it to be that he would be ok, not gone. Ever since my cousin very unexpectedly died a few months ago, we all decided we needed to make more effort to see each other. We all regretted how little we had seen him these past several years with him living overseas. So my other cousin, his brother, put together this Halloween party. The only time I've seen him since before covid was at the funeral and memorial when we were focused on other things. But today the first thing he said to me was "is everything ok, you're looking really frail" and that kind of broke my heart. Because it's really the first thing people notice about me now. I knew I was looking frail, but hearing so many people point it out lately hurts. I'm just a frail sickly old lady now, and that's all anyone sees when they look at me. People at doctors and physical therapy talk about how tiny I am, how I have no substance to my body as if pointing out the obvious is supposed to do any good? I've tried so so hard to become well these past few years but this year more than any other time of my life the sickness just shows on me like flashing red lights. And no one can find out why and nothing makes me better and I'm trying everything I possibly can and going into so much debt it scares me but nothing helps and sometimes I just get so tired of trying I don't want to even try anymore. I had to get a mammogram this week to recheck this suspicious spot they have been keeping an eye on, the lady who administered it was so concerned about my appearance and loss of tissue since my last scan. I told her I'd been sick and hadn't been able to gain weight and she just looked at me with this sad worried look and in a sad worried tone said "you can't gain any weight"? and I just shook my head. Thankfully for the first time in years my scan was all clear though so at least I don't have to get another one for awhile. But it was just another incidence of how horrible I must appear to others. People who don't know me. It's not just in my head anymore. It's real and it's out there. And I don't understand why I can't gain weight. I've always been able to gain weight. (except in 2013/14 when I was recovering from a difficult surgery) I never thought I'd reach middle age and be tiny and frail, this is the time of life women usually put on weight. It makes no sense. Then my GI visit was so bad he thinks it's just IBS. Despite all my symptoms and how sick I look, despite IBS shouldn't affect your weight, make your stomach swell and bleed, suddenly be allergic to things you were never allergic to, loss of muscle and so much more. I BEGGED him to at least test me for sibo, but he doesn't think it could possibly be that. And maybe it's not but it's something they haven't checked for and is easy to check for but I'm pretty sure he just thinks I'm crazy. He actually bulged his eyes out when I told him I just wanted to be able to eat more types of food and gain weight, as if it was some unreasonable thing to want. I like my 2 physical therapists a lot though, they recognize how bad my condition is and are trying hard to help me improve. But I haven't been making any improvements and I'm scared they are going to have to dismiss me. My main PT person assures me that it will take a very long time to see improvements with how bad my condition is but since I can't find someone who will even try to find out exactly what causes me to be in this horrible condition will it even be possible to improve with any amount of time?

[toothlespoggers]

”Why are you sad” WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WHEN THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN FEEL JOY IS BY HAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO GO DO STUFF THAT IS FUN IN THE MOMENT BUT ULTIMATELY STILL LEAVES YOU EMPTY INSIDE BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THE WORLD IS BEING FUCKED OVER IN A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS BY PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE COMMON SENSE AND THERES NO HOPE IN TRYING TODO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSEIT JUST DOESNT WORK. HOW ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE ON THE INTERNET WITHIUT SEEING EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD. THE ONLY WAY TO BE “HAPPY” IS TO BE AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING CONTROLLED AND PERFECT. AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES. UNTIL YOU DIE. BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE, WALKING DOWN THE STREET, EATING, SLEEPING. EVERYTHING JUST REMINDS YOU THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSTANTLY SUFFERING FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOURE A CHILD. AND SOMEHOW ADULTS DONT CARE. THEY DONT CARE ABOUT THE DEATHS. THEY DONT SEE THE BLOODSTAINS ON EVERYTHING AROUND THEM. THEY SOMEHOW AVOID IT ALL.

WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? BECAUSE BEING SAD. BEING ANYTHING ELSE. IS TOO DIFFICULT. WHAT ARE WE JUST SUPPOSED TO ROLL OVER WHEN SOMEONE ASKS IF YOURE OK? NO. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW EVERYTHING WOULD GO

“hey man, you ight?”

“NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT, EVERYTHING IS AWFUL EVERYTHING IS BAD. THE “GOOD” IS MOSTLY JUST GASLIGHTING, A SUNNY LITTLE PICTURE OF FALSE HOPES AND PROMISES TO CALM YOU DOWN AND KEEP SOCIETY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE IN REALITY EVERYTHING IS BAD, THE BAD COMES SO MUCH AND THE GOOD IS SO SPARSE YOU HAVE TO PHYSICALLY REMIND YOURSELF OF IT, AND IF EVERYTHINGS OK WOULDNT IT BE EASY TO FIND OUT GOOD NEWS INSTEAD OF DIGGING THROUGH THE INTERNET TO FIND ANYTHING? ISNT IT RIDICULOUS THAT WE ARE LABELLED AS “MENTALLY ILL” FOR HAVING FUCKING COMMON SENSE? WE ALL REALISED AS SOON AS WE GAINED SENTIENCE

“HEY WOW, ACTUALLY THE WORLD IS KINDA HORRIBLE!” AND INSTEAD OF FIXING IT EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE “YEAH BRO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THAT, YOURE CRAZY. THE WORLD ISNT AWFUL! LOOK AT OUR LITTLE RICH WHITE NEIGHBOURHOOD, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND NOTHING IS WRONG! YOU ARE STUPID FOR THINKING THIS.”

LIKE BRO. NO??? ITS NOT OK? I DONT “GET SAD” I AM SAD. THIS ANXIETY DEPRESSION, COCKTAIL NEVER SUBSIDES. IT IS JUST IGNORED. REPEATEDLY. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FORGOT TO SURVIVE.

YOU HAVE TO GRIT YOUR TEETH, WIPE YOUR EYES AND DISSOCIATE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART THAT NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE MINDSET OF:

“Well Im alive now, I might as well enjoy it” BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU CAN DO.

I WANT. TO BELIEVE. IN THE POSITIVES.

WE ALL DO.

BUT LOOK AROUND.

IT WOULD LITERALLY TAKE A MIRACLE, NOT A SMALL ONE. A NATIONAL. WORLD WIDE. MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MIRACLE. TO FIX THINGS.

BUT THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOU CANT EVEN TAKE COMFORT IN RELIGION BECAUSE RELIGION IS LIKE “yeah no everythings gonna be like really bad and get worse and worse until everyone dies”

like. SERIOUSLY.

so NO. I am not “ok” and if you are. Congratulations. You’ve achieved a level of ignorance I TRULY wish I could obtain.

you wanna know why NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE IF EVERYONE ON EARTH KNEW THIS. EVERYTHING WOULD COLLAPSE.

And I’m not saying you can’t be happy. YOU CAN! I am often happy! I have a lot of good moments. Life is worth living! Until a certain point you can always experience joy. There will always be SOMETHING. Good.

I’m sorry it sucks. I want it to change, I want to be happy. I want to go outside knowing that there’s a future, that there isn’t just misery ahead of me.

but I can’t do anything about it.

I can’t seek therapy. I can’t tell anyone.

because all they do is try and get me to be happy again, different strategies!! Different Methods! Different medication! So much medication :,D but I’m tired of people telling me not to be sad.

Stop trying to fix the individuals with drugs and cheesy advice.

FIX THE WORLD FOR US. THEN THE CHILDREN WONT NEED TO BE HIGH ON PAIN KILLERS TO BE HAPPY.

(I try to keep stuff like this to a minimum on my blog but at this point this is the only way I can safely put my opinion out into the world without being put into a mental hospital or yelled at.)

[hjellacott]

Please don't go to Prince Harry and Meghan for mental health advice (maybe come to me instead!)

For those who don't know, among my studies there's a BSc in Psychology and I post psychology stuff now and then in @thepsychologytemple. I'm not a psychologist, but I've got the qualifications and I've also been a patient and received therapy and, similarly to Harry, a lot of it was due to grief and family drama. And I am telling you nothing he says speaks "I'm an emotionally and mentally healthy guy qualified to give others advice on mental health". So even though I normally don't care about Harry and don't have bad nor good opinions, I was quite horrified to find out that apparently not only is he trying to make a career out of providing advice for others' mental health and struggles, but he's having people pay +30 dollars to hear him speak about his intimate struggles.

Look, if you're so desperate that youre willing to pay Harry for help, please sink the money into actual therapy. It takes years of studying hard to become a certified psychologist and even then, you're supposed to continue to do research and be subjected to the continuous review and criticism of your peers. And you know what therapists and psychologists are never supposed to do? Among other things, saying anything about their own private, personal lives. The only reason any mental health professional or business is giving Harry any voice is because we're in the middle of a worldwide mass mental health crisis and if famous voices talk about it then perhaps people will get help. And some people admittedly only want the money that Harry can bring through convincing people to go to them. I promise you no half-respectable mental health professional would EVER deem Harry is a good option to receive even the slightest bit of advice, unless that advice is go to proper therapy.

Harry has NOT healed. He is NOT in peace. He is NOT happy. And none of his public actions could possibly give him a true mental and emotional health and healing.

When you're in peace, when you heal from a traumatic event, it stops violently affecting you. For example, you know you've moved on from a loss and are OK when the thought of it out of the blue on a regular day may make you sad, but only a bit. When your emotions remain under control and do not make your day to day more difficult. When you don't feel overwhelmed with negative emotions, like sadness or anger.

I know a fair bit about loss because it was the main thing thar dragged me into first therapy and then psychology. I already had a University degree when I decided I was struggling too much (I'd lost my dad, other seven relatives, and my best friend), so I began going to therapy and reading lots of therapy and self help stuff. And then I decided I needed more and went into formally studying psychology. That's when I actually, truly healed, so I know what that looks like and I guarantee you I'm not writing books profiting from the trauma caused to me by death, life, family and my stupid brother. I could, but I'm OK, so I don't need to spend months writing about it, dwelling on it, then ranting about it to everyone publicly, then going to the telly and dwelling on it so much and making documentaries about it. Instead, I'm busy being happy. And happiness does keep you busy. When you have clear purposes in life, a happy family, work (I'm an actress, camera woman and production assistant), hobbies (I do lots of writing and piano)... you don't have time nor energy to go on national television and be bitter, angry and resentful and talking about the intimate stuff from your own family.

It worries me that young people specially look up to Harry like a saviour and I want you to know, if you need any free advice about your family, love life, friends, mental health, emotional stuff, whatever! You can come to me at @thepsychologytemple . No judgement. I don't care who you are. I will treat you with all the objectivity I can, you can even send anonymous messages if you want. And I'll do what I can. Better me than Harry.

[rediscoveringcreativity]

First actual blog. Listing most of my goals with this I guess

I've never had or used a blog before. I don't know what to do with these random existential internal monologues I have. I've never really used tumblr, let alone any other website similar to it. I don't like reddit, 4chan, twitter/X partly because they're a bit too annoying and difficult to use and partly because of the people on there. I'll give this a shot since most of the time I just see people agreeing with reblogs, likes, etc. on this site rather than the cringey condescending responses you'll see on other platforms.

Growing up I recall constantly having words and thoughts buzzing around in my head. Significantly more creative thoughts than what I have going on now. I still think to myself and I'm guessing the word here is 'monologue' to myself about other things but I just remember it being very different when I was younger (middle/high school age). I feel like I didn't 'grow out of it' or something along those lines. It feels more like I killed it. As a matter of fact, only a few years ago I was always consuming political commentary, keeping up with current events, listening to informational/news podcasts and it kept my brain stimulated. But even then, not the same as when I was a kid.

My personal history or whatever you want to call it was very rough growing up. A lot of trauma and being exposed to a lot of evil in the world. I personally don't believe in therapy, medications, recreational drugs, etc. and have tried some of these with no success. I think the only reason I don't off myself is because I am afraid of what's after death. (At this point, venting something like this will get the redditor fedora tippers exclaiming "NOTHING HAPPENS AFTER DEATH" or some other nonsense. - The fact of the matter is, their belief is just as hard to prove as religion. So I don't want to hear your opinion - I am merely stating why I am even alive right now).

Any way, I'm thinking of using this blog to write down my thoughts and monologues because I often forget what I say to myself. My memory is very poor. I've come to learn dementia runs in my family, so, if I ever grow old and if tumblr is still around, I think old dementia-stricken me might remember how to operate a computer and I can look back on all of this stuff.

I use to draw a lot. I was passionate about music. I had an imagination. But I feel nothing now. I am quite empty. I am a very stoic person in my daily life. When I get dragged out to outing by coworkers, they learn to stop inviting me because I am a downer. They nudge me to smile and let loose. I am always uncomfortable in my own skin. I am always empty. I don't necessarily feel sad. I think the fact that I am empty is what causes my sadness.

I don't know who I am and I feel too old to not have an identity, and especially personality. I'm not seeking words of advice, encouragement - those are unwanted. I just want to be able to share my thoughts with strangers and just see if there are others out there who think "same" and tap a like or reblog.

I think if I saw something like "OP ur wrong its ok to not know who you are even if you're 30, 40 or 50" it would annoy me. I'm not looking to hear "it's ok" or looking for any solution. I just want to scream into the void that is the internet. Maybe it'll scream back. And I know I can't expect people not to be critical or try to uplift me, or whatever. But it's just internal thoughts I'm writing out because I can. Thinking ahead or something.

I'm still working on myself and today I felt more moved to make moves towards those. I've accomplished some things but these accomplishments essentially mean nothing because I am still essentially in the same place. I don't know. This post was supposed to outline some goals but it's turned into a vent fest.

Hoping to maybe string together some poems or something too. I've always found poetry interesting but never got into it. I feel like it requires a level of creativity and understanding, or the ability to not understand at that, that I don't and never had.

Well, we'll see. Hi tumblr.

[my-cat-is-my-only-friend]

Dear Tumblr Void,

Hello again. You can guess why I'm back. It happened again, and once again I'm using tumblr as a live journal, because maybe just one person will read this and I'll feel validated.

I'm gonna start with this:

Why this is different than Sam.

~I'm getting into therapy right away

~I'm trying to lean on family and friends for support more than ever

~I'm not the victim this time. If I'm a victim, then so is Josiah. He went through just as much as I did, so if I'm a victim then so is he. I'm not innocent.

~I'm changing my life completely, even if temporarily. I'm moving in with Laura and Joe for an unknown amount of time. I don't know if I'll come back to Eau Claire in the fall for school, I don't know if I'll end up having to live in the apartment that was supposed to be ours. I don't know what the future holds and I'm trying to be ok with that.

~I'm being honest with the people in my life about what happened. I am not playing the role of the innocent victim. Just because I'm guilty doesn't make his actions right or ok, but the opposite is also true. Just because he's guilty doesn't make my actions ok.

~I realized this time there are very deep rooted issues. I have abandonment issues, not from past relationships but from my childhood. I have attachment issues from my childhood. Not from past relationships, and it's something I need to work on and heal from.

~ I'm not going to get into a rebound situation. History says the rebound does more damage than good, and I know that what I need is to figure out how to be a person again, on my own.

Here's what's hard this time:

~ I want to still talk to him. He cut me off completely, which is good for both of us. But I still crave him, like a bad street drug.

~His sister is still talking to me. She's very helpful, but I also know that she gets to see him and talk to him and it makes me jealous and sad because I know in my heart that I will never see him again, or hear his voice again.

~ I don't want to lose my opportunity in Eau Claire at school, but I also can't know for sure right now if coming back will be too much, I can't know if coming back will make me miss him again. Would I be coming back just in hopes of running into him again?

~ I want to know if he's back on tinder. That's what I did with Sam, when we broke up I downloaded tinder just to see if he was back on and active. I want to do that with Josiah, but I know that if I do, and he is active, it will shatter me and I will spiral even more.

~ I cant eat. I have such a loss of appetite that eating takes more mental energy than I have right now. It's been two days and I've already lost a pound and a half.

~ I can't sleep. He was in my bed every night. I cant lay down without thinking about how he would hold me. So I bought melatonin and NyQuil so that I pass out. If I'm unconscious, I can't miss him as much.

~ I have to learn how to navigate my own emotions while also recognizing that I'm not the only victim. I was trauma bonded, and I know that it's on me just as much as it's on him. I can't quite find the balance between not hating but also not glorifying him.

~ I constantly think about how he might have ended the relationship and gone no contact to protect me, and the not knowing hurts. Did he really do it out of love and care? Did he do it only because he was mad? Was it purely selfish? I might never know and I'm having a hard time accepting that.

~ The future I had planned is gone, and I'm mourning that just as much as I'm mourning the loss of him. I was attached to him AND the future I thought I had with him.

That's all for now tumblr, any more and I'll start crying again. Thanks for giving me false hope of validation once more <3

[timeoverload]

I really want to know what's going on??? What did I do that pissed you off so much? Did you try to go to my work or something to try to see me??? No one said anything to me about that so maybe I'm just imagining things. I don't think you would do that but it would be cool if you did. No one comes to visit me ever so if you tried to do that I'm sorry that I wasn't there. The past 2 Thursdays have been really slow in the afternoon because it's summer now and a lot of people are on vacation. I didn't feel the best because I still had to do 24 cases in the morning. I wanted to put ice on my back because it has been really bothering me. I also am trying to avoid that guy at work that has been really creepy towards me because he won't leave me alone. I actually ate lunch in the cafeteria on Tuesday and he had to come sit with me and was trying to get me to make plans with him this weekend. I told him I was busy and I had to run away pretty much. I have to keep taking my lunch in the locker room now. I am planning on saying that I'm seeing someone so hopefully he will back off. I guess I will try to put up with it and try not to leave early anymore and just sit and wait for you. I'm just trying to figure out why you are so upset. A lot of problems could be avoided if we could just talk about it. Communication is very important. I just want to have a healthy relationship.

I'm sorry I said something about having bags under my eyes I shouldn't have said that. I am trying to embrace the fact that I have them and be ok with it. I guess I chose the wrong way to say it. I wasn't intending to make a jab at you. It had nothing to do with you. I am just tired. I am stupid sometimes. Also, I made the post about "endless illusions" because I still have a hard time believing this is real because I have been on this journey for so long and I feel like things just keep getting worse. I won't question anything anymore and I will accept that everything is real. It has been hard for me to do that because I haven't had anyone to talk to about it so it feels like it's all in my head sometimes still. A lot of the time you act totally different in person than how I expect you to and I shouldn't expect anything. You have quite a few people to talk about it with so I'm not sure if you understand how I feel. I know you talked to my dad and he didn't have to say anything, I just know. I guess it makes me sad to see "I ❤️ you" written on my arm when I know we aren't together right now. I really wish we could be. I just miss you. I can't go 5 minutes without thinking about you. You are a part of me and always will be. I'm going crazy. I want to believe.

I really fucking hate being autistic and bipolar simultaneously because I have a hard time communicating how I feel and sometimes I offend people without even trying. I have been so emotional and I feel annoying. My brain feels like it's broken. I suppose that's part of the reason I have such a hard time making friends. I always end up putting my foot in my mouth one way or another. I embarrass myself at least 3 times a day. I spend a lot of my time by myself in fantasy land. I'm not trying to be mean I am just sad and lonely and being a pessimist. I need to try to get into therapy I think even though it hasn't really worked in the past. I am afraid they will try to get me committed and lock me up. I will do my best to stop being crazy and acting that way.

I just woke up and had another bad dream. I can't calm down and I feel like I'm in hell right now. My blood pressure is so damn high. I don't know what I did wrong and I really wish you could explain it to me. This week hasn't gone very well at all. I am so confused. I want to be happy and stable and normal. I just want to be with you. I love you. I'm sorry.

[the-brown-midnight]

Self indulgent Stranger things fanfic let's goooo !

- Do you have anything... Maybe stronger?

Eddie raises an eyebrow. He thought Chrissy wanted to try weed like most good girls do at some point. Hard drugs ? That was not curiosity.

- Is it.. for you ?

Chrissy seems to hesitate.

- No it's... It's for Jason, she whispers, avoiding his eyes.

- Jason ? As in, your boyfriend Jason ? He does hard drugs ?

Chrissy nods, still not looking at Eddie.

- I don't believe you, he says.

- What ? Why ? She says, finally looking at him again.

- Because you're lying, he answers, smiling.

- How could you know ? She whines.

- Because you're a terrible liar, he says as matter of fact. You won't even look at me ! Come on, Chrissy. It's for you, isn't it ?

She seems conflicted. She starts playing with her own hands, nervous, before finally murmuring.

- Yeah. It's for me.

Eddie sighs. He puts his hands on hers, stopping her from pulling on her fingers. She raises her head, surprised. He doesn't pull away. He holds her gaze.

- I don't know what you're going through. But hard drugs aren't going to help you.

She doesn't answer before a minute, looking at their hands intertwined on the picnic table. She seems lost. It makes him ache.

- If drugs don't help, I don't know anything that will.

Eddie frowns. He's upset by how sad Chrissy looks. She was laughing, so open, a second ago. But she also seemed scared, a little while before.

- What's going on ? He says. Tell me.

- You're going to think I'm crazy.

- Oh please, he says, smiling. I am in no position to call anyone crazy.

Chrissy doesn't laugh this time. She looks at him very seriously.

- I mean it.

Eddie continues smiling, but his tone is very firm when he speaks again.

- I mean it too.

Chrissy and he share a look. He tries to convey his determination in his eyes. He won't judge her. Ever. After a second, Chrissy takes a deep breath.

- I... I see things. Things that are not supposed to be there.

- Like what ?

Eddie doesn't seem to be shocked at all. It fills Chrissy with confidence.

- Like... Like a grandfather clock.

This however, seems to surprise him.

- A grandfather clock?

- Yes. Or. Like. Other things.

She avoids his eyes again.

- Bad things.

- Things that happened in real life, or things that only happen in your head ?

The question surprises Chrissy. It's a little too precise.

- Things that happen in real life.

Eddie nods slowly. He takes his hands away and Chrissy feels pained. He's backing away from her. He thinks she's crazy. He's going to leave. But he doesn't.

Instead, he stands up and starts pacing back and forth, arms crossed, eyebrows frowned, deep in thoughts. After a second, he looks like he's made his mind about something.

- When I was eight years old, my parents and I got into a car crash. They died and I survived.

Chrissy gasps. Her mouth forms the words "I'm sorry" but no sound comes out. She feels chocked up. His parents are dead ? But Eddie continues his story, pacing and looking at his feet.

- After that, I started to relieve the accident all the time. At night first, then even during the day. I was stuck in a loop of cars crashing and parents dying. My uncle took half of the money he was putting aside to buy an actual house and spent it to get me therapy. That's why I'm selling that shit by the way. So I can pay him what I owe him.

- Eddie...

He looks up at her when she whispers his name and he smiles. And he goes right back into his story.

- When I first saw her, the therapist told me about trauma. And how you can sometimes be stuck in it. And she said talking would make it better. And I thought, what the hell? Talking isn't going to make the accident not happen. And it didn't. But. I just. It helped. Somehow. To talk about it. After a while, it seemed less and less scary. Further and further away from me. Still there, obviously. I still have nightmares sometimes, to this day. But I'm mostly ok.

He suddenly goes back to the picnic table. He sits down and, looking straight into Chrissy's eyes, he tells her :

- You can talk to me. I'm not going to tell anyone anything. I'm not a health professional, but... maybe I can help you a little.

- I don't... I don't know...

- I won't tell anyone! He says earnestly. Even if I did, no one would believe that Chrissy the good girl who goes to church would talk to me. People think I'm a "devil worshiper". It wouldn't make any sense.

At that, Chrissy started smiling, a wicked little smile.

- I don't know. I know lots of church girls who fall for bad boys.

Eddie looks completely stunned for a second, and Chrissy starts laughing right away.

- Don't make fun of me ! Eddie says, teasing. I bared you my soul and you're tormenting me !

- Okay, okay ! I'll tell you !

Chrissy breaths deeply again, her smile slowly leaving her face.

- My mom... When I get those... Visions. I see. Or hear. Mostly hear... I hear my mom, telling me about. About how...

Tears start pooling into her eyes. Eddie seems slightly panicked.

- We can go slow ! He tells her. Is your mother mean to you ?

She nods very slowly, like admitting it hurts her physically.

- She says mean things to you ?

She nods again.

- About your boyfriend? Your grades at school? They way you dress? Your choice of college?

- No, she cuts him. She tells me I'm fat and when I gain too much weight, she starves me.

She immediately bursts into tears. Eddie jumps to her side and sits right next to her to hug her. He holds her against his chest and lets her cry for awhile.

- I never told anyone, she finally says.

- It's okay...

- And I know she's trying to help me ! She was bullied when she was young because she was overweight.

- So she bullies you at home, to avoid you getting bullied at school ? That's nonsense Chrissy. Parents... Parents are supposed to protect their kids. It's normal to be angry at them when they fail us.

She raises her head when he uses "us" instead of "you". He feels her eyes on him and he tucks her back into his neck and whispers.

- My dad used to beat up my mom and I when he got too drunk. He tried quitting but he couldn't. He really couldn't stop drinking and beating the shit out of us. And mom refused to leave him. She always thought he'd change. I was so mad at them both. Until my dad took the car while still drunk. When they died and I ended up at my uncle's, I kinda was happy that they were gone.

He feels her shivering in his arms.

- I'm sorry, I know it sounds awful.

- No ! Don't be, she whispers against him. I'm also often wishing my mom died in the fire last year. Then I feel terrible about it.

She starts sobbing again and he lets her.

- I never thought someone would ever understand, she says.

Eddie hold her by the shoulders and makes her look at him.

- I do.

Chrissy and him share a long meaningful look. A look that means "I understand you" and "I care for you". As if under a spell, they then lean in and share a tender kiss. They part slowly, and blink as if coming out from a transe.

- Do you think the visions will leave me now ? She asks, hopeful.

- I don't know. But call me if they come back, okay ?

- I will.

They hold each other close and rock slowly, finding comfort in each others embrace.

That day, Chrissy goes home full of hope, almost skipping on her way.

The sun is setting, and there is no one around in her neighbourhood. It's quiet, but she's not scared. She feels invincible.

- Chrissy ! Where were you ?

Her mother is yelling at her from their porch.

- I'm coming mom !

She walks up to her. She isn't scared of her. Not anymore.

- Chrissy ! Her mom whispers angrily. You were with your boyfriend, right ?

Her mother's face is deformed by rage. She is red and her eyes are blood shot. Chrissy's resolve is crumbling down. She can't face her mom. Not when she looks like that.

- I'm... I'm sorry. But no ! No no, I wasn't with Jason, I swear !

- I'm not talking about Jason ! I'm talking about Eddie Munson ! The lowest of the low !

- Wh... What ?

Chrissy's heart beats so hard she can hear the sound of its pounding almost drowning her mother's voice.

- I know you. I know you can't do anything right. I'm just expecting you to get together with a nice boy. And you cheat on him with a drug dealer, like the filthy whore you are !

She is walking up to her, invading her space, cornering her up against the wall. Her voice is distorted, terrible and menacing.

- You disgust me. Kissing the creepiest boy in town. I know everything! All of the filthy ideas you got into your head when you saw him playing guitar in middle school! So young and already deep in sin!

Her mother's face changes. It looks like it's burning. Chrissy blinks and panics. It's clear now that it's not reality. It's another vision.

She pushes her fake mother away and runs. She runs while her mother's screaming follow her and she doesn't stop. She doesn't stop until her feet give in.

She falls to the ground, scraping her knees. She's tired and can barely breath but there's no more screaming around her. She's next to Benny's burger old drive-in. There's a bunch of people sitting in the parking lot. They look kind of menacing. Chrissy's still terrified.

She looks around for something, anything. Her eyes fall on a phone cabin. She goes directly to it and pulls out of her hoodies' pocket a number. Eddie gave it to her a couple of hours ago. He certainly didn't think she'd use it so fast.

She calls him or more like, she tries to. She's so scared that she misses a number a couple of times and she has to redo it. When she finally manages to put on the correct number, she waits anxiously for him to pick up. She doesn't have to wait too long.

- Hello ?

- Eddie !

She feels relived immediately.

- Chrissy ? Missing me already? He says, teasing.

She smiles when he says her name.

- I had another vision.

It should be scarier to say it aloud but she's not afraid when she hears his voice.

- Can you come pick me up ? She asks.

He doesn't answer right away and her smile becomes more uncertain.

- Unless you have something to do! I'll call Ja...

- No no ! I'm coming, he says. Wherever you are, I'm coming.

Her smile comes back slowly. She didn't want to call Jason. Jason would ask questions and he wouldn't understand her. Eddie continues :

- I'm just... I don't understand why you had another vision. It wasn't too scary I hope ?

- It was. But I ran away and it's gone now. I think.

- You think? He asks, sounding surprised.

- It looked so real. It took me a while to realise it wasn't.

She starts to realise what happened, getting down from the adrenaline rush.

- It actually never happened before. It was never this realistic.

- I'm coming to get you, says Eddie, with resolve in his voice. Where are you now ?

- Benny's burger.

- Don't move. I'll be there in ten.

He doesn't lie. He comes to pick her up ten minutes later. He looks like he drove very dangerously to get there so quick.

- Do you want me to take you home ?

- No!

She says it so fast she surprises herself.

- Please. Can I...

- You can come to mine, he cuts her. My uncle works night shifts.

She looks dazed, slowly realising she'd be spending time alone with Eddie at his home.

- It's not luxurious, but it's clean and warm, he says, noticing her silence.

- It's perfect! She says. Thank you!

They share a smile and Eddie lifts one of his hands to hold hers, crossed nervously on her lap.

They get into his trailer home and he apologizes for the mess.

- Do you want anything to eat ? He asks.

She moves her head no. She thinks about their conversation, earlier that afternoon.

- I want to try drugs. Anything you have.

He sighs.

- Weed. Nothing more.

She nods. She'd take whatever he'd give her.

- But before, you gotta eat. You'll get high way too fast if you don't and that's not ideal for a first time.

He turns his back on her, and goes to rummage in his fridge.

- I can make you eggs, or pancakes, or... A butter and ham sandwich?

- Yeah, anything is fine, she says.

She looks around while he starts on the sandwich. She sees a pile of cassettes, with band's names on them.

- Interested in my music tastes ? He says, looking at her with a smirk while he butters the bread.

- Who's Metallica ?

- Only the greatest band in the world. You can use my Walkman if you want ?

He points at the table in front of the couch. She finds the Walkman and puts the cassette in it, intrigued.

The music starts. Chrissy closes her eyes, listening closely. She likes it. She bobs her head.

She's interrupted by something hitting her arm softly. Eddie's putting the plate with her sandwich on it right in front of her nose.

She feels embarrassed.

- I never heard anything like that. Not since the talent show.

- You mean, not since I blew you away with my talent ?

She blushes. She remembers what the vision said to her. About how she was thinking about making out with him backstage when she was twelve, how she thought he looked so cool with his guitar. And about how she cheated, a few years later.

- I'm sorry for kissing you earlier, she says, without really thinking straight.

Eddie frowns. He looks upset.

- It's okay. It was a spur of the moment thing, I guess.

It wasn't. She's had a crush on him since middle school. But then he left for high school and then she got together with Jason. She didn't even recognize him when she joined him in high school.

- I shouldn't be cheating on Jason, she whispers.

- Why not ? Eddie shrugs.

- Because it's wrong!

Eddie's face shifts. Their kiss felt wrong to her. He wasn't going to be an asshole then. Still. Jason. Of all people.

- How did the two of you start dating ?

He puts on his most cheerful face, pretending to be excited for her.

- He asked me to the winter ball, she answers, smiling softly at the memory.

He waits for the rest of the story, but it doesn't come. Chrissy just takes an extremely small bite of her sandwich and starts chewing.

- That's it ?

- What more would you want? She says in between chewing.

- When did you fall in love? When did your heart burst? When did the butterflies go and got replaced by the feeling of home? When did you understand what all the stupid love songs were made of?

She looks completely lost. And she goes right back to chewing, avoiding his eyes.

- Oh.

His smile is so wide it hurts his cheeks.

- Got it.

She continues to eat her sandwich and puts the music back on.

- I'll get you a couple of iron maiden compliations too !

- Okay !

He can hear Chrissy finishing washing her plate. She insisted. It took her a long time to finish her sandwich but she did.

He finds the weed hidden under his bed and choses three cassettes. The player is in the living room already. He's so excited. An evening (maybe a whole night!) with his middle school crush! He's going to make her forget all about Jason. She'll kiss him again and this time, she won't be sorry.

When he comes back, Chrissy seems weird. She's standing all straight in front of the sink. The water is still on. He shrugs and puts the cassette player on. The music starts and Chrissy doesn't move. She stays there, standing in the kitchenette, not moving an inch.

- Chrissy ?

He walks up to her and nearly gasps. Her eyes. They look empty. She seems like she's no longer there.

- Chrissy ? Chrissy ! Chrissy, wake up !!

He starts shaking her. She doesn't react at all. She feels like a piece of wood, all parts of her moving all together.

- Chrissy !!! Wake up !!!! I DON'T LIKE THIS, WAKE UP !!!

He's panicking. What on earth is going on ? She doesn't respond at all. Something is deeply wrong there.

Suddenly, she falls into his arms, a dead weight.

- Holy shit Chrissy please breath breath please please

She opens her eyes slowly. She comes back to conscientiousness. Relief washes through him.

- Thank god !! What the hell was that ? He asks.

Chrissy seems dazed and he feels bad for asking her questions that she probably can't answer.

He takes her into his arms and lifts her, not without difficulty. He really should get into shape.

He lays her on the couch.

- Are you okay, Chris ?

She nods slowly.

- I had... I had another vision. There was...

She sits up.

- You don't have to...

- I do actually.

She seems determined.

- I don't think that it's all just... Up in my head, she says. It seemed way too real this time.

- What did you see ?

- A monster. Looked like a burned man. He said I was going to die. And I truly thought I would. But then... I heard the music. It opened a... Some sort of a portal. And I ran and jumped into it. And here I am.

Eddie hugs her. It doesn't make sense to him at all.

- It sounds like a D&D campaign. A horrible one at that.

- What's D&D ? She asks.

- I have a lot to teach you.

When he wakes up the next day, Chrissy is sitting up in his bed.

- Chrissy ? What's happening? Where am I?

She laughs, clear and loud.

- You're really not a morning person. We're in your uncle's trailer. I spent the night there. Thank you for staying with me, by the way, she adds.

- No problem.

He's still half asleep.

- I better get going.

She puts his Walkman's earphones in her ears.

- I'll go get a new one and give yours back, promise. It's just. Better safe than sorry.

He finally pieces everything back together. Chrissy almost died last night. By some... Entity. That she could only beat with the power of Metallica, for some reason.

He jumps on his bed and flies next to her, where she's putting on her shoes.

- Wait, Chrissy.

He holds her shoulders and makes her look at him.

- Are you okay ? He asks.

She seems lost. She ends up shrugging.

- I kinda don't have a choice. I'm just gonna live with music on.

- No no, you're not going to spend the rest of your life with music in your ears. Thank God we don't have school, how would teachers allow you to spend your classes like this ?

She blinks. Once. Twice.

- Holly shit, I didn't even think about school.

- You were just fine with listing to the same three songs for the rest of your life ? He teases her.

- I don't know. I'm also not a morning person, she smiles back.

They get breakfast, sitting in front of each other on the conter. The second they both finish their cereals, Eddie starts brainstorming.

- So. We need to find someone that could help.

- Who?

- I don't know... maybe father Joseph?

- The reverend is gonna think I'm possessed.

- Aren't you ?

It looked like she was last night.

- I don't think so. I guess... We could try.

- So. Reverend. Psychologist too.

- I already do counseling with our school psychologist.

- She's not what you need, Chrissy. We have to find someone really good. The real deal. Also, maybe someone who knows about spirits.

- Spirits ?

She looks at him like he lost his mind. He's dead serious.

- Yes. Spirits. You said a burned man tried to kill you in a sort of transe and you were saved by the power of Metallica. I don't think spirits are too far fetched.

- I'm sorry. You're right.

She looks. Off.

- Chrissy, are you really okay ? He asks again, concerned.

- Yeah. Yeah, I just...

She sighs. Chrissy looks tired. There's dark circles around her eyes.

- I just feel like I'm gonna die anyway. We're just postponing it. I saw that thing. There's no way it's not gonna kill me if it wants to.

Eddie looks scandalised. He leans on top of the counter.

- You can't give up before even trying ! Come on !

- I know. I will try. But. I'm just not very hopeful.

She looks so tired and sad. Eddie wonders for how long she's been struggling, pretending to be okay when she was on the verge of breaking.

- Well. Thankfully for us, I have enough hope to cover for the both of us.

She smiles, grateful.

- I think that before all that, I should call my parents and tell them I'm fine. I didn't tell them I'd be out all night.

- Oh sure ! You can use the phone.

- Chrissy ! Where are you ?

It's her dad, thankfully.

- Just at a friend's. I won't be back today either.

- Chrissy... He sighs. Your mother is going to be very upset. And we were both worried. You can't just disappear like that.

- I know. I'm sorry.

- Are you in trouble ?

- No ! Don't worry, dad. I'm okay. I'll be home as soon as possible.

She turns to Eddie and tells him very officially.

- I'm going to the church. I'll ask the reverend about possession and stuff.

- Okay, let's go! He says, as she predicted.

- I'm afraid the reverend would. You know. Be a little less into telling me things about possession with you around.

- Oh. Yeah. Sure.

He seems upset.

- I'll drive you, he insists.

- I won't bother you more than I already did.

- You're not bothering me.

She doesn't look convinced. She got him into... Into something weird and dangerous. She starts shaking. What if she's got him in troubles ?

- I can't... I don't want that thing to go after you because you're helping me.

- I don't care, Chrissy.

He says it with a lot of conviction. He could almost convince her that it's fine that she got into his life and made a mess out of it.

He stands up and gets in front of her. Putting his hands on her shoulders like he often did now, he says it again.

- I mean it, Chrissy. I don't care. I'm not letting you deal with this on your own.

- You don't have to feel obligated to...

- I don't. I'll try to keep you safe because I want to.

She seems stunned, like every time he's showed that he cared. He thinks of a joke to make the moment less intense.

- You should know by now. I only do want I want to. Except graduate. I wanted to graduate two years ago. But yeah. Details.

She laughs and everything feels better.

She walks to Eddie's car, that he parked a few blocks away from the church. He's eating a bag of peanuts when she gets inside.

- Nothing interesting.

- Really? What did he say ? He asks.

- He said a person who's been possessed doesn't remember anything from it. The demon gets into their body and talks through them and hurts them and others like that. But I do remember everything and I don't hurt anyone or even myself when I get into this... State. So it's probably not possession.

- Shit. So. Psychiatry or medium ?

She turns to him with a smile.

- It's the weirdest day of my life. Trying to figure out mysterious entities with Eddie Munson.

- What's the weirdest part? He asks, smiling wide. Me or the entity?

- You. Of course, it's you.

They laugh quietly.

- Do I get you home?

- Yes, please. My parents are probably freaking out. I'll call you later this afternoon. We'll see were we go from there. Eddie?

- Mhm?

- Thank you for everything.

He blushes and starts the car.

His uncle leaves at nine and he hears someone knocking a few minutes later. He opens the door, expecting to see one of his neighbours, and ends up face to face with Jason Crader and his friends. Lucas is with them. The betrayal hits him like a pointed knife, right into his guts. At least the kid looks sorry.

- Good evening, fellow citizens of Hawkins!, he yells. What owes me the pleasure?

- Where's Chrissy? Jason asks.

He looks ready to hit him at any second.

- I have no idea what you're talking about, Eddie says, without losing his calm.

- We know she was with you earlier. She didn't come to the party last night and didn't get back to her home either. Then, Patrick there saw you driving her to the church. He followed her and heard her ask the reverend about demonic possession. Where are you hiding her now ?

- I'm not hiding her, he frowns. I drove her home.

- She isn't home.

- Well maybe she left! I don't know!

He's starting to lose his patience.

- Let us in, Jason growls.

- No way on earth you're coming inside my home.

Jason's fist hits him so fast and hard that he falls backwards. They get inside and start snooping around. Lucas holds out his hand to help Eddie stand up but he won't take it.

- Chrissy? Chrissy! Jason yells.

- She's not there, I told you!

- Where is she then?

- I don't know! I told you, I took her home!

- Bullshit.

Jason's voice sounds like one of a snake.

- What did you do to her?

- Nothing! She came to be because she was in trouble.

They start laughing, like it's the funniest joke they ever heard.

- If she needed help, you'd be the last person she'd go to.

Eddie doesn't answer. They wouldn't believe anything he'd say, he realises.

- Did you drug her? Jason asks.

- Of course, not, Eddie mumbles.

- Come on, man, whispers Lucas.

They won't believe him anyway.

- Yeah, sure. She just decided to hang out with you and start caring about demons?

Eddie stays quiet.

- Listen, you freak. You're going to tell us where she is. And if you don't, we'll beat you until you talk.

- Okay, okay! Fine!

Eddie gets up slowly. And the second his feet are on the ground, he runs through the door.

They run after him. They chase him up until he gets on the lake. He jumps into a boat and two of them follow him swimming. That's when Patrick dies.

He sees him, floating in the air, his eyes looking exactly like Chrissy's that night.

His bones break and his eyes get sucked into his head. It's so horrifying he cries watching it happen.

Where's Chrissy? Did this happen to her too? But he can't think too much. Jason is holding his dead friend into his arms and he'll blame him for that in the same way he blamed him for Chrissy disappearing. He starts rowing away from them.

He hides at his supplier's place. He knows they'll find him in the end. But he needs... Something. Time, probably. To find Chrissy and make sure she's okay.

- What a shit show, he whispers, sitting on the floor of the cabin.

He joins his hands and looks up.

- Hey, God. Listen. I know I don't hit you up often, but that doesn't mean I don't think about you! You're still my man! My number one! So, okay. If someone has to die in... whatever it is that's going on right now, that's fine. Just. Don't let it be Chrissy. Protect her, please. She's a good person. She doesn't deserve all the crap that's happening to her. Please, protect her. And again, if someone really has to die, may I suggest Jason Crader? Maybe not in the same way Patrick did, thought. That was. Not cool. At all. Or like... Even if it's me, that'd be fair. Just. Not Chrissy, please.

He looks around, like he's looking for God to answer him.

- What the hell am I doing? Sitting there, praying, instead of doing something, he grits his teeth.

But it's the middle of the night and he's tired. He climbs inside the boat and sleeps.

The next day, at dawn, he hears someone coming inside and finds himself face to face with Steve Harrington, of all people.

He tries to kill him first because, of course. But Dustin is there and he trusts him (he trusted Lucas too but he watched as they kicked him) so he calms down and they talk.

- Lucas told us they're looking for you! Still looking actually, and even more pissed than they used to. They think you killed Patrick!

- They also think you killed XXXXXX, Nancy adds.

- I don't even know who this guy is!

Nancy looks at the floor.

- We found him near your trailer. I left him a second to talk to your uncle. I left for only a second, and just like Barb...

- Hey, Nanc', it's not your fault, says Harrington.

- Who's Barb ? Eddie asks, lost.

They tell him everything. About the upside down, and a kid with magic powers named El, who apparently, is Mike's girlfriend.

- Okay. Well.

He thinks he understood most of it. Did he process everything yet ? Definitively not, but they have more urgent matters at hand.

- We need to find Chrissy, he says.

They look at each others sadly.

- She's not dead, he shakes his head. I refuse to believe that. She has the power of Metallica with her!

- The power of Metallica? Asks the redheaded girl.

- Yes ! She told me: she heard the music and it opened a portal and she jumped through it.

The girl looks schittish.

- Do you... Know where I could get my hands on a Metallica album?

- Why do you ask? Says Dustin.

She doesn't answer and avoids his eyes.

- Max? Why do you ask? He repeats, panicked.

Lucas joins them and Eddie tries very hard not to look too mad at him. He fails, and Lucas keeps his distances, ashamed.

They call it Vecna's curse, because it does sound like a D&D campaign.

They get their hands on some Metallica cassettes in Eddie's favourite music record shop. Obviously, citizens of Hawkins tried to destroy the place, in the name of protection against the satanic craze that took over town.

- I hate that music ! Grumbles Max.

- Well, it's going to save your life so you don't have much of a choice there, sweety, Eddie tells her.

Robin and Steve are looking at her like she's suffering a great deal. What a bunch of losers. And he's stuck with them.

- Come on, Max, don't be a baby about it ! Eddie just saved your life !

Thank God for Dustin, Eddie thinks.

- He didn't save my life, she says. I cannot live with this terrible music blasting out my ears until I die of something else ! He just delayed the end.

Eddie is reminded of what Chrissy said that night.

- No, he says. We're not delaying the inevitable. We're gaining time until we find a way to destroy Vecna. But first, we gotta find Chrissy.

They turn to him.

- Any idea of where she could be ? Lucas asks.

Eddie answers without looking at him because, ugh.

- We had a plan. Seeing the reverend first, then a psychologist, and finally, a medium.

- The psychiatric hospital, Nancy whispers.

- XXXXX ? Steve asks. Cool. We just go there and ask to see her !

- It doesn't work like that, says Dustin. You can't see patients because you asked. When Will got back from the upside down, he spent a week there and we only got to see him once. We had to fill papers and get a permission. We don't have time for all that shit !

- And since her face is in every journal and the hospital didn't call the police to let them know she was there, she probably got herself checked in under another name, Nancy adds. That means it's clearly impossible to get to her.

- So... What you're all saying is that we should sneak in ? Robin adds.

- Yeah, Nancy answers. We sneak in. But first, I got something to try. A shot in the dark but... Could give us something.

Nancy and Robin sneak inside the hospital.

Steve takes Max to some places (she's weird, Eddie thinks. She complains about the music all the time. She wrote some letters too, "just in case". She's acting like she doesn't want to fight, like she wants to die, somehow.)

Eddie is left to hide in the Wheeler's house. His life never sucked this much.

They come back in the evening.

The girls did see Chrissy. When they crossed path in the corridor, they almost yelled. She looked terrified. And she didn't have a Walkman.

They also saw XXXXX. And they got a lot of informations from that visit. About Vecna/Henry/One. And. About the music.

- Max was floating into the air ! Lucas yells, yet another time. And Robin told Steve that it's not Metallica, it's music that you like ! So we had to look for good old Kate Bush.

- Kate Bush? Eddie says, teasing. Seriously? Chrissy the cheerleader liked Metallica and you, the trailer park kid, listen to Kate Bush?

Max shrugs. He thought he'd make her laugh a little, poor kid, but she seems spaced out. Whatever.

- So, now we gotta get Chrissy out of there before Vecna tries to get her again, after failing to get to Max, says Steve.

Eddie raises his eyebrows.

- Well well, mister Harrington wants to play the hero !

- Robin and I can't go back, they know us now, says Nancy.

- So it's you and me, baby, Eddie laughs.

- No, no, no, you stay there, and I sneak in ! Replies Steve.

- You can't sneak in alone ! Eddie assures him. Listen, I have a plan, a great one, and it's a two people's job. You and I are going to be a great team!

Steve doesn't look convinced at all. Eddie tries not to take it personally.

- Robin and Nancy made a good team, and who would've put these two together? He notes.

The girls look at each other and smile.

- That's not the problem there, Steve says. I've teamed up with Robin, Dustin and Erika last time Hawkins was in danger, and we crushed it. But Eddie, people are looking for you all over town.

Eddie's smile grows slowly on his face.

- You're worried about me? That's so cute!

Steve rolls his eyes so hard they look like they might stay stuck on the back of his head. Eddie's face goes back to serious right after he got the reaction he wanted.

- I have to be there. Chrissy doesn't know any of you. She won't follow you. But she'll trust me. And it has to be you, because we'll need someone who can drive.

Steve's car is awesome. Much better than Eddie's truck. The seats are comfortable, the smell is good and the radio is perfect.

When they get near the hospital, Steve slows down.

- Ready ? He asks.

- Like never before, Eddie grins.

Eddie jumps out of the car and rounds the hospital. He finds a good spot to hide between the bushes and waits.

Steve turns the music on. Metallica is blasting through his radio, and he starts turning round and round the hospital, music on, as fast as he can.

Predictibly, the guards get out and they all start running after him.

- What the hell are those kids playing at? They yell. Asking about murders commited years ago, now coming to us with this horrible music?

Eddie tries hard not to laugh. He uses the commotion to sneak inside and he sees her. She's peering through her window. He knew she'd understand. He's here to bring her home.

He throws a rock to her window. She opens it and, without even looking for him, she does the most insane thing he's ever seen in his life.

She climbs out of the window and gets down the wall. She's still wearing her cheerleader uniform, and it seems like she's just doing one of her routines. She just. Follow the wall, descends slowly and. Jumps on the ground. Like some sort of ninja.

She turns and looks around.

- Eddie ? She says.

He's by her side in a second.

She sees him and her entire face lights up. She jumps into his open arms.

- I'm sorry I didn't tell you, she starts but he won't let her finish.

- We have to get out of there, he tells her.

She nods and they sneak out, holding hands.

Steve stops the car in front of the gates and they run and jump inside, while the guards start yelling upon realising they kidnapped a patient.

- Let's go, let's go !! Eddie screams while Steve pushes on the brakes.

They hear noises that they can't recognise, the music still on, until one of the window breaks.

- WHAT THE FUCK ?! Eddie screams, terrified. ARE THEY SERIOUSLY SHOOTING AT US RIGHT NOW ?! WHAT THE FUCK ?!

Steve seems barely impressed. He looks like he's used to drive while mortal danger is following him. He takes a violent turn and he drives right to the guards. Surprised, they stop shooting. Steve keeps going.

Eddie thinks for a second that he's going to crash into them. But he doesn't. Because the guards run away, scared. They drive away.

- That was INSANE, Harrington !! Eddie yells.

Steve looks pleased with himself but he tries to look cool. Chrissy, next to him, looks pale.

- Are you okay, darling? Eddie asks, the pet name coming out without even realising.

Chrissy turns to him slowly.

- Wow. I felt more emotions in those five last minutes than I did in my entire life.

Eddie laughs and the colours come back to her face

He faces her again, and asks softly.

- What did they do to you ?

- Nothing really. Just striped me away from all of my stuff and kept me in an empty room. They were going to start "testing me" tomorrow. But. It felt like they had no idea what I was going through when I told them. I kinda felt like it was a bad idea right after I came in there. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you anything. I didn't want to bring you any more trouble.

Eddie doesn't answer. He just takes her hand in his and squeezes hard, trying to make her feel what he couldn't tell her with words.

- What you're going through isn't going to be grasped by some doctors in a lab, Chrissy, says Steve from the driver seat. It's a good thing we got you out.

Chrissy looks lost. She turns to Eddie.

- Can you please explain to me what's going on ?

When he tells her about the town going after him for kidnapping her and killing Patrick with his satanic powers, she looks scandalised.

- I'll talk to Jason, she says.

- Yeah, sure, Steve says. He's totally going to believe you, because he's a very rational person. He's not going to think Eddie made you say that he's innocent.

She looks conflicted.

- Look, Eddie tells her. The only thing we can do for now is lay low until we kill Vecna.

She nods.

- This sounds insane but okay. What can I do to help ? She asks immediately.

He smiles.

- For now, stay alive. My brave, brave girl, he whispers.

She blushes furiously. He continues because he loves the sight.

- Steve, you didn't see how she climbed out ! It was crazy !

- Yeah yeah, sure. I'm gonna ask you to hold the flirting for a second now. We arrived.

This time, they both blush.

She's furious. Against Jason, against her parents.

- The worst is, she says while pacing back and forth, if I didn't get to know you, I would've thought the same.

There is shame in her eyes. He chuckles and holds her hands.

- I'm not mad. I do look the part.

- You don't, she replies. You look. Good. I mean. Like a good person.

She's bright red.

- There's nothing to do about it for now, says Nancy. All we can focus on, is stoping Venca.

- And how do we do this ? Asks Dustin.

- It's kind of obvious, isn't it ? Says Max. We already know who his next target it.

- Me ? Chrissy says.

- No, Max replies. Me.

Predictibly, they all refuse to let her sacrifice herself.

- I'm the oldest, and I was supposed to be his first victim. I should be the one to serve as bait ! Chrissy insists.

- I've seen you run, Chrissy, and I'm faster than you, Max says.

- I'm stronger, and have more endurance, I'm in cheer !

- Strength and endurance won't help. You need to be fast. We need to be practical about this.

- Max... I don't think it's a good idea, Lucas says.

- Yeah, adds Eddie. Neither of you should think about being bait for Vecna.

- But what else can we do ? Sit there and wait for the end ? Max says.

Okay, listen, I'm really lazy and don't want to write this part (it's boring), but it goes basically like the show. They prepare for the fight and the plan is exactly the same. Except Dustin stays with Erica to keep an eye out and he gets knocked out by Jason's friends. And Chrissy goes to the upside down with Eddie.

They climbs on top of the trailer and he plugs his guitar.

- This one is for you, Chrissy, he smiles.

She claps and screams like a little girl. He starts the music.

The second the bats from hell arrive, they jump inside the trailer. They barricaded everything. They almost forgot the roof before Chrissy reminded him that bats can fly.

- There. We're good now. We're safe.

He's coming down from the high. When he turns to Chrissy, she looks at him like she's mad at him.

- Are you okay ? He asks.

She doesn't answer. She just goes up to him, curls her arms around him and kisses him like her life depends on it.

His arms go straight around her waist and he returns the kiss with vigor.

- You're way too hot, she mumbles between two kisses.

- Is that a "spur of the moment" thing, again?

He asks because he couldn't take it if she apologized for kissing him again.

She blushes.

- No. I've wanted to do that since middle school.

- Good. Me too.

They kiss again before the noise of the bats pounding against the door reminds them of where they are.

- Unfortunately, we have to go, he declares. But when we get to safety, we'll get to spend some really good time together. Privately. She giggles.

When they get back, they hear about Max. They call Lucas et Erika at the hospital and they tell them everything that happened. Chrissy cries.

- It should've been me. I'm the oldest, she sobs.

- It's not your fault, Lucas assures her. Everything would have been fine if it weren't for Jason. And if it was you that he found there, he wouldn't have hesitated a second. We'd all be dead. Also. She's not... Gone. She's just in a coma.

She does feel better. But still.

They hang up and turn to the rest of the group.

- Does this mean we're safe ? Eddie asks.

- We can't know for sure, says Nancy softly.

- We can.

They turn to Chrissy.

- I take the music off. And we see what happens.

- How about you don't? Eddie replies.

- He's right, Nancy says. We're not sure of what's going to happen. But we're all tired and hurt. We need to get better before we act.

She holds Chrissy's hands kindly.

- I know you feel guilty about Max. But putting you in danger isn't going to help. Hold on to the music just a little bit longer. Also.

She turns to Eddie.

- The two of you should keep on hiding. The entire town is still convinced that you have something to do with all that.

- Actually, I think you should leave town, says Steve.

- What? Eddie frowns.

- Well, a lot of people are leaving right now. My parents are packing right at this moment.

- Oh no, you can't leave! Robin says.

- I'm not planning to, Steve reassures her. I told them I'd stay back to help the people. Anyway. It's the perfect opportunity for you two to run away without bringing much attention to yourselves.

- You... You think so? Chrissy whispers.

- Yeah, just...

Steve looks at them up and down.

- You die your hair black. Get out of the cheer uniform. And you, he says to Eddie, cut your hair and dress like a normal person.

- If you weren't so right, I'd probably kick your ass right now, Stevy.

- Well, good thing you're smart enough to realise I'm being perfectly logical. You stand out like a sore thumb.

They do as they said. Chrissy decides to go blond, rather than black. She gets clothes from Robin, a cool military jacket and boots that Eddie finds extremely hot (only on her, not on Robin, Robin's rad as hell but she's not hot. She's too much of a friend for that)

He does cut his hair, just like in middle school and he ends up wearing the most horrible clothes ever : Steve's. He has a hoodie from The Gap. Ugh.

They leave quietly the next day, meeting Dustin, Steve, Nancy and Robin on the verge of the woods.

- What will I tell your uncle? Dustin asks, the sweet soul.

- Tell him I did it. It'll be easier for him to let go, then.

- No way. I'm not letting your poor uncle think that about you. He wouldn't believe me anyway.

Eddie hesitates. He doesn't want his uncle to wait for him forever if he could never come back.

- I'll send him a card. With no name and address but he'll know it's from me.

- Okay. Cool.

- You guys call me the second you need help, okay?

- We'll keep that in mind, Dustin swears.

His smiles fades.

- You stay safe, okay? He tells him, like he's the adult in this.

- You do to, my man. You do to.

They hug to say what they hope is just goodbye.

When he says goodbye to Steve, he makes him swear to look after the kids. And he puts a big fat wet kiss on Robin's and Nancy's foreheads.

Chrissy's goodbyes are a lot more teary eyed.

- I never had any real friends before. They never seemed to care. I mean. They turned their backs on me the second I did something that they couldn't understand.

- She's talking about hanging out with me, that's the crime that she committed, Eddie interjects.

- But you, she continues, looking at them. You didn't even know me, but you jumped right by my side. Thank you. I owe you so much.

- Keep in touch with us, okay? Asks Robin, coming up to her to hug her.

- And if anything happens, come right back, adds Nancy.

- Okay...

They take the trailer that they stole from that poor couple and drive away. Chrissy's a much better driver than Eddie, so she drives while he changes the channel of the radio every ten seconds.

- Good god, we need to stop and by some cassettes when we get far enough from that place, he groans.

- I'm sorry, Chrissy says.

She's looking at the road in front of her. There is a lot of other cars driving away from Hawkins. There's only one coming in. A pizza delivery car?

- Sorry for what? Asks Eddie.

He knows she's going to apologize for something that wasn't her fault at all.

- I ruined your life. You were supposed to graduate this year.

- Let's be honest, Chrissy. I wouldn't have graduated. Even if the city didn't burst into flames. Also, I was supposed to leave town at the end of the year. I'm leaving town a few months earlier. And instead of leaving alone with a few cents in my pocket, I'm leaving with the girl of my dreams, ready to live that good old trailer life.

She doesn't answer for a while.

- Chrissy?

- I'm... The girl of your dreams?

- Hell yes, you are!

He starts laughing. His life doesn't make any sense anymore. But it's all good in the end.

- We're not out of the woods yet, he says. But we'll get there. Together.

She finally looks at him and sends him a smile.

- Together.

Tadam !! This was so self indulgent... :D

Also, if I were to re write everything, then Steve would have died in the upside down (his character arc is over, he grew the most and has nothing left to give to the show) His death would have pushed Eddie to stay in Hawkins to take care of the kids like he promised Steve, and he would have felt terrible for letting him die (a lot more impactful than him watching Chrissy die cause he wasn't aware of the danger back then and he couldn't possibly feel guilty for it, while he knew the danger in the upside down and he couldn't help Steve. You know, surviver's guilt and all? And that would have helped him grow as a character, to realise he does feel responsible for others, far more than he'd like to admit) And Nancy would have told Steve she loved him before he died and that would have been a lie but she felt like she owed him that only to feel very bad for telling him a lie before he died and she'd also feel like she cheated on Jonathan (which would have been a better point of tension in their relationship than that dumb ass college story) Finally, Steve's death would force Robin out of her shell. She'd open up to the rest of them and would kick her own butt to ask Vicky out instead of leaning on Steve and complaining to him. But yeah. Whatever.

[pourcap]

thoughts: pg chapter 21

i can't believe this is the last chapter of book 2 already i don't want it to be over just yet :(

(...) He had knocked Damen’s hand off his shoulder when Damen had tried to stop him. i hate this. they're supposed to work together

(...) Charcy was a death trap. great!

'So you told him.' just like jord told laurent about aimeric having gone missing :) i mean, he's right of course about laurent needing to know who damen really is, but still.

'Just a man?’ said Jord. ‘You think Aimeric thought that? That there were two of him? Because there weren’t. There was only ever one, and look what happened to him.' ugh i hate that he's right. i love jord and i absolutely do not want him to leave laurent's service, but he fucked up, too.

'He was my uncle’s whore,’ said Laurent. do you ever just wanna shake him?

'A brother?’ said Laurent. ‘But I do not have terribly good luck with those. I hope you are not here for a mawkish display of sentiment. I will throw you out.' i feel so sad for laurent :( (i do find it interesting how he uses his own pain to hurt others though)

'Then you’ll kill them like you killed Nicaise,’ said Damen. ‘By dragging them into this endless, childish bid of yours for your uncle’s attention that you call a fight.' oh my god???? damen????

oh wow

damen is... not wrong

but like... the balls on this guy

i can't believe he said that to laurent wtf

'In a fight, you try to beat your opponent. You don’t scurry to do what he wants. This is about more than Charcy. You’ve never made a single move of your own against your uncle. You let him set the field. You let him make the rules. You play his games like you want to show him you can. Like you’re trying to impress him. Is that it?' WHAT THF UCK

ok to be honest though i never thought about it this way. damen is so smart. literally the best person laurent could ever wish to have around. who else would talk to him this way? i mean, it helps that damen was born the crown prince but wow. i am speechless actually

'(...) Are you that desperate for his attention?’ He let his eyes rake up and down Laurent’s form. ‘Well, you have it. Congratulations. You must have loved it that he was obsessed enough with you that he killed his own boy to get at you. You win.' OH. MY. GOD.

damen can be just as brutal as laurent seriously

i can't wrap my head around what i'm reading

(...) ‘You don’t know anything about me. Or my uncle. You’re so blind. You can’t see what’s—right in front of you.' (...) is laurent talking about his abuse?

'You’re nothing,’ said Laurent, ‘but a crawling disappointment who let a King’s bastard throw him in chains because he couldn’t keep his mistress happy in bed.' WHAT IS GOING ONNNN

you guys were happy and in love literally HOURS ago !!

'You want to hear the truth about my uncle? I’ll tell you,’ said Laurent, a new light in his eyes. ‘I’ll tell you what you couldn’t stop. What you were too blind to see. You were in chains while Kastor was cutting down your royal family. Kastor and my uncle.' ??????

what

("a new light in his eyes" man... laurent. was there therapy back then? i feel like everyone in capri needs it.)

'Did you think Theomedes died from natural sickness? All those visits from physicians that only made him sicker?' so, while we're at it: fuck the regent.

i want to give damen the biggest hug

'You didn’t guess it was Kastor? You poor dumb brute. Kastor killed the King, then took the city with my uncle’s troops. And all my uncle had to do was to sit back and watch it happen.' can they stop being assholes to each other PLEASE this is not the kind of thing they should be talking about like that :/

'(...) I just wish I could have seen it happen. I wish I could have seen Damianos when Kastor’s hire-swords came for him. I would have laughed in his face. (...) maybe if Theomedes had kept his cock in his wife instead of sticking it in his mistress—' again: OH MY GOD.

i would like to say that i am genuinely terrified of laurent finding out who damen really is :))))

That was the last thing he said, because Damen hit him. (...) okay not to condone this but to be fair, laurent really had it coming

Laurent pushed himself up and gave Damen a look glittering with triumph, even as he dragged the back of his right hand across his mouth, where his lips were smeared with blood. triumph?? what exactly did he gain from this? i get that laurent likes to needle people into giving him a reaction but damen, the only person who truly understands and looks out for him?? but i do get where he's coming from, obviously

nicaise's earring????? :((((( i am crying lol

'No,’ said Laurent. And then, ‘It was provoked.' at least he gets it

(but why are they fighting over damen's arrest? i am confused)

'No,’ he said. ‘You can’t go to Charcy. I need to convince you of that.' i love him. so much.

Laurent’s laugh was a strange, breathless sound. ‘Didn’t you hear anything that I just said to you?' great. now i just feel sad for him again. why does laurent keep making me feel all those things???

'Yes,’ said Damen. ‘You tried to hurt me, and you have. I wish you would see that what you have just done to me is what your uncle is doing to you.’ He saw Laurent receive that like a man at the very ends of his endurance being given another hit. ‘Why,’ said Laurent, ‘do you—do you always—’ He stopped himself. The rise and fall of his chest was shallow. i can't handle this!!! damen is so perceptive -- i really don't get why i keep seeing people say he's oblivious. i mean, he is, to things he doesn't understand, like deception. but this??? he understands people. he knew aimeric was going to be a problem within what felt like 3 seconds, appreciated jord's loyalty to laurent even when jord found out who damen is, etc. (also: laurent kind of admitting he was just trying to rile damen up and consequently push him away as a sort of defense mechanism makes me want to cry)

'I can’t.’ It was a raw admission. ‘I can’t think.’ The words were torn out of him. Wide-eyed in the silence, Laurent said them again in a different voice, his blue eyes dark with the exposure of the truth. ‘I can’t think.' i don't know what to say so i'll just let you know that i'm crying

(fuck the regent)

'Don’t go,’ said Laurent, quietly.' laurent just keeps on breaking my heart :')

(quick side note: i get why you're all so in love with him lol)

'No. I don’t mean—forever—just—’ Laurent broke off. ‘Three days.’ (...) I can’t seem to . . . think, and I can’t . . . trust anyone else to stand up to me when I’m . . . like this. (...)' he !!! trusts !!! damen !!! :(((((((((((( <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 (i mean, we knew that before, but wow. the character development. the difference in their relationship. i am just so blown away)

'Don’t,’ said Laurent. ‘Don’t lie to me. Not you.' NOT YOU

'(...) I just . . . I just liked him.’ Underneath the cold, analytical words, there was also something bewildered. :(((( god im still so sad about nicaise.

'He spoke up for me because he didn’t think my uncle would hurt him. None of them do. They think he loves them. (...)' hmm. reminds me of when laurent admitted he was surprised the first time the regent tried to kill him, that he never thought he'd actually go this far :/

'Like Aimeric,’ said Damen. Into the long silence that stretched out between them, Laurent said: ‘Like Aimeric.' god. you just know what laurent is really saying here is: 'like me'

ohh laurent saw the cuff

their mood changes give me whiplash

'To keep. I wouldn’t wear it,’ said Laurent, ‘though I don’t believe your imagination is having any difficulty with the idea.' lol yes call him out <3

what i really love about those two is that they BOTH just kept throwing accusations at each other, argued, got really personal, etc, but they understand each other so well by now to know why they said/did what they said/did and not hold it against each other :')

'Did you mean what you said? That you were glad.’ ‘Yes,’ said Laurent. ‘They killed my family.' ok time to be sad again

Because throw Laurent together with Damianos, and either one would kill the other, or, if Damen kept his identity concealed and they somehow managed to form an alliance . . . (...) He thought about the Regent’s suggestions to him, sly, subtle. (...) And the constant, pervasive insinuation: Have you taken my nephew? i am going to throw up lol

fuck the regent

and kastor

so far, kastor is just as non-existent as auguste in the books and guess which big bro doesn't suck (ofc the shitty one has to be the one still alive)

'(...) It was you who never quite fit . . . You’ve always been outside of his schemes. For everything that my uncle and Kastor planned,’ said Laurent, as Damen felt himself grow cold, ‘they had no idea what they did when they gifted me with you.' oh my god i love this. can't wait for laurent to laugh in his uncle's face right before he kills him <3

damen is such a softie oh my god he's just fantasizing about everything being okay and him being able to court laurent i can't believe this (also it makes my heart ache)

If the Regent wanted Damianos of Akielos standing alongside his nephew, he would get him. (...) that's so hot. i love damen so muchhhhhhh

But what he said was, ‘Are you sure you want to leave your enemy in charge of your fort?’ ‘Yes,’ said Laurent. They gazed at one another. because they aren't enemies anymoreeeee!!! <3

ok laurent is saying things in a way that makes me think he's got something up his sleeve. then again, when does he not?

nikandros???

oh my god

is it happening?

are we going to get damianos in book 3?

He was looking at Laurent’s signet ring. wait. what?

laurent wanted nikandros to come?

am i reading this correctly?

He said it as it opened up inside him, ‘They are our reinforcements.' THAT WAS AN ENTIRE BOOK AGO

what the fuck

i know laurent plans ahead (and has planned ahead) but oh my god

what is laurent's brain???? what are his genes????

(...) Damen and Damianos. And Jord was right. There had only ever been one of him. He said, ‘Open the gates.' i am so excited for this

on the other hand: i am scared. bc now there is no way laurent won't know who damen is, right? unless nikandros doesn't recognize damen which i don't think is possible. so, like. what's going to happen?? (*chuckles: i am in danger* meme)

(...) Had they always been like this? So stripped of everything but the utilitarian? So hungry for war? i LOVE the reflection. so much has changed for damen and i am so so so happy he's seeing the world with new (less arrogant) eyes

Because an Akielon man was dismounting from his horse, beneath the main standard, and Damen’s heart was pounding. (...) i am confused. damen is so happy to see nikandros and i know they were friends so... why did we learn literally nothing beyond his military status over the course of two books?? did damen just not allow himself to think too much of his life back home in akielos bc he'd miss it too much or...?

'The last time we spoke, the apricots were in season,’ said Damen, in Akielon. ‘We walked in the night garden, and you took my arm and gave me counsel, and I did not listen.' so, nikandros warned damen about kastor. imagine telling your best friend his life is in danger and him being too arrogant to take any of it seriously. and then your friend actually dying... (as far as you know)

He said, ‘Damianos.’ Before Damen could tell him to rise, he heard it again, echoed in another voice, and then another. It was passing over the gathered men in the courtyard, his name in tones of shock and of awe. The steward beside Nikandros was kneeling. And then four of the men in the front ranks. And then more, dozens of men, rank after rank of soldiers. oh my god

'He lives. The King’s son lives. Damianos.' AAAAAHHHHHH

can't wait for the third book lol

(a few pages without laurent at the end and i have already begun to miss him)

[literallyjusttoa]

Personal Entry #1

Ok, so Dionysus told me I should start writing in this journal after the last solstice meeting. It’s supposed to help me through the mental health crisis he seems to be convinced I’m going through. Something about “introspection” and “keeping track of your emotions”. I’m not convinced, but maybe it’ll make me feel a little better.

Zeus is a dick.

Yeah, that feels fun to write.

I’ve been fine. Sure, Father has me on a tight leash, but he’s done that before. I’ve just got to wait him out. It’s a bit worse now, because I refuse to suck up to him like I used to do, but it’s not like I thought our relationship would magically improve after the trials. If it causes a bit of a longer wait, then I can handle it.

He’ll forget about this ultimatum soon enough, and then I’ll get to see Meg again. So really, I have no reason to be sad. See Dionysus, I’ve solved my mental health! Take that so-called god of therapy! (That’s not even an official domain of his anyway)

I’ll probably keep writing these either way, just to keep track of all of the things I need to do. The memory gaps from my time as a mortal haven’t really gone away yet, so I should start keeping a planner. (A planner! What am I, 7,000?) Plus, I can use it to shove my amazing mental fortitude in Dionysus’ face, and then he’ll stop looking at me like Father threatened to shoot my prized cattle.

He only threatened to kill my children, and it’s not like that’s a new thing

[the-iceni-bitch]

Into the Deep End

Pairing: Mr. Freezy x hit woman!fem reader, implied past Officer Bill x reader

Words: ~1.7k

Summary: Bill finds out.

Warnings: explicit language, explicit sexual content (unprotected vaginal sex, rough sex, spitting, slapping, marking, choking, cream pie, multiple orgasms, caught kink), Bill gets his heart broken, mean Bobby and kitten, 18+ ONLY!!!

A/N: This one was a bitch to get out for some reason but I did it! Finally closed out our Bill arc and I’ve got lots of fun things in the work for our psychos (including some fun with new psychos)

I am no longer doing taglists so if you want to stay up to date on all the latest filth, follow my sideblog @the-iceni-library and turn on notifications!

Bill grinned as he walked towards your front door, hefting the tiny velvet box in one hand and the flowers in the other and giving a little skip. Sure, his family and friends were adamant that he was moving too fast, but he was head over heels for you, and if the ring was a little smaller than you deserved, he’d just get you one with a bigger stone once you’d been married for a few years. Plus, once you were engaged maybe you’d finally let him stick it in you.

That was weird, your lights were on and your car was in the driveway but you weren’t answering the door. You were probably in your kitchen or something, no matter, you gave him your key for a reason. And now he could hopefully make his surprise even better.

“Mmm, right there.”

Huh, that sounded like your neighbor. Bill knew you’d been helping the guy out ever since he fell off his ladder and broke like five bones, maybe you were just giving him a hand with some physical therapy again.

“That’s it, such a good little kitten. Give it to me.”

Ok, maybe that physical therapy involved you… massaging him? The noises that were coming from your house were making him feel confused. You… you couldn’t be doing what it sounded like, you wouldn’t. You were in love, he was going to marry you…

“Oh Bobby, yes!”

No. No no no no no no no no…. Bill wrenched the back door open and froze at the sight that greeted him. His first thought was how beautiful you were, the way your back arched as you let out an obscene moan and threw your head back made him ache deep in his core. At least until he got a better look at what you were doing.

You were straddling your neighbor’s hips and riding him right on your couch, half dressed and wanton and so beautiful it made it hard for him to be as angry as he wanted to be. But then he just had to see that asshole’s fingers digging into your thighs and his lips on your throat and the way he growled into your skin when you buried your fingers in his hair, and then he felt his heart break.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“Billy?! Oh… oh no.” You clutched your blouse closed and climbed off your neighbor with a curse, crawling over his cast and yanking your skirt down over your hips as you scurried towards Bill. “Honey, I’m sorry…”

“You’re… I don’t understand.” Bill felt like he was going to cry, glaring at your neighbor as he struggled to yank his jeans back into place before turning his watery gaze back to you and dropping the flowers he was holding as he let out a pained sigh. “We’re in love, you love me.”

“I do, Billy, I love you so much.” You reached out to him and gave him a sad smile when he leaned into your touch, wincing when he realized what you were doing and recoiled like you had slapped him. “This wasn’t supposed to happen, Billy, we didn’t mean to…”

“You didn’t mean to? Well what the fuck were you trying to do then?” Bill hated how badly he wanted to seek comfort in you, just needing to step forward and press his face to your neck and he knew all his pain would be gone. “Goddamn it!”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, Billy, I… I just care about you so much, but Bobby…” You peeked at your neighbor over your shoulder and smiled at him, and Bill could have spat on the man. “It was just, after Mary we got so close, no one else knew what we were going through, we couldn’t help it, we love each other.”

“You love each other.” Bill just stared at you stupidly, he understood you were saying, he hated that he understood it, he knew tragedy brought people together, but goddamn if it didn’t hurt so much. “How long has this been going on?”

“This was the first time, I promise.” You wrang your hands together as you kept staring at him, biting your lip in that way he loved and making him just want to forgive you every bad thing you’d ever done.

“I can’t… what the fuck am I supposed to do, now? I need you, Suzy.”

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” You tutted softly when he sagged with defeat against your wall, huffing out a deep breath when you reached out and squeezed his shoulder and gazing at you with watery eyes. “I wish I could be it for you, Billy, but me and Bobby just make sense. We’ve been through too much together.”

“I… I know.” Bill sighed and stepped closer to you, gently cupping your cheek and tracing his thumb over its curve while you gazed up at him. “I just want you to be happy, darlin’. Couldn’t you be happy with me?”

“Billy, please don’t make this harder for me.” You kissed his palm and he let out a little sniff. “You deserve a girl who’s going to be able to give you her whole heart, and that’s just not me. I wish it was.”

“Fuck, I love you so much.” Bill squeezed your shoulder and gave you a soft kiss on the forehead. “If he ever hurts you, you come find me.” He didn’t trust that guy, his wife hadn’t even been dead a year and he was already moving in on you? Sketchy. “I can’t… I need to go.”

“Wait, Billy!” You grinned to yourself when he stormed out of your house, leaning against your door frame and doing your best to sound appropriately sad as you watched him walk away all hunched over. “I’m so sorry, Billy!”

Bobby was shaking his head at you when you finally turned back around, rolling his eyes indulgently when you climbed into his lap and nipped playfully at his jaw.

“You finally done? Happy you made that pathetic pussy cry?” He smacked your ass when you bit his cheek before grabbing your hair and wrenching your head back, growling when you whined as he scraped his teeth over your throat. “Got so fucking sick of your stupid little game, seemed like you forgot who you belong to kitten.”

“Shut the fuck up.” You dug your nails into his chest and purred when he snarled at you, grinding yourself over him nice and slow and brushing your nose over his. “Didn’t fucking forget, but I have missed you marking me up.”

“Yeah? ‘A course you did.” He slid his hand around your throat and squeezed, grinning wickedly when you let out a small whimper and jolted over him. “‘Cause you need me to treat you like the nasty little bitch you are, huh kitten? And you are my bitch, tell me.”

“Fuck you… shit.” You moaned when he slapped you, leaning forward to tug at his lips with your teeth when he grabbed his cock and tapped his leaking tip against your clit. “Yeah, I’m yours, you fucking bastard. You gonna show everyone?”

“Yeah.” He thrust up into you and you keened, tossing your head back and arching into him as he fucked into you viciously. “Gotta break you back in, kitten, remind this sweet little snatch who owns it, mark up this pretty skin of yours. Come on kitten, beg me for it.”

“Fuck me, Bobby.” You whined when he sank his teeth into your tit, his fist around your neck cutting off your air while he kept pounding into your swollen pussy. You hated how much you had missed it, but he knew just what you needed, he really did own you. “Do it, show all those assholes who I belong to.”

“That’s my good girl, choking my fucking dick, this is what you were made for, kitten.” He groaned when your eyes fluttered closed and your face started to go lax from lack of air, your cunt fluttering wildly around him as he left bites all over your chest before stretching his neck to suck on your lips. “Open your fucking mouth.”

You let your mouth fall open and groaned when he spat on your tongue before sucking on it vulgarly, the hand that wasn’t curled around your throat digging into your waist so he could shove you down on his cock. As soon as he felt you come he released your neck, purring into your mouth when you screamed for him while your vision whited out as pleasure raged through your system and made you feel like you were going to pass out.

“God, Bobby… fuck.” You sighed when he yanked your head to the side so he could drag his tongue over the bruise he’d left on your throat, his cock still hitting you hard and deep as he growled against your skin. “What are the neighbors gonna think?”

“Don’t fucking care.” He grinned when you rolled your body into his, biting your ear and smacking your ass before bringing a hand between the two of you to pinch at your clit. “Mine, you’re mine, this perfect body, this tight little snatch, all mine. Sick of hiding it, now gimme another one, kitten. C’mon keep being my good girl and cream all over me, then I’ll fill this gorgeous cunt like I know you’ve been missing.”

He cooed demeaningly in your ear when you sobbed as your entire body shook around him, your release flooding his cock and soaking his thighs while you clenched down on his cock and sagged into his shoulder. All you could do was mumble stupidly when you felt him swell and pulse inside you, his warm cum shooting haphazardly against your abused and swollen walls until it was leaking out of you and creating an even bigger mess of you two.

“That’s it, told you this is what you needed, kitten. ‘S what you were made for, to be my stupid little cockdrunk slut.” He chuckled when you hissed at him, pressing his lips to your temple even as he shoved his cum back inside you around the base of his cock while you nipped at his throat. “Don’t worry kitten, just rest that pretty little head of yours and then we can work at moving you in. Like I said, sick of hiding.”

[dinogoofy]

Erron black/F! Reader

Old friend.

This one took a little bit, sorry if it's not quite as quality as my other fics!

MAJOR TW for Guns, threats, and Kano being a dick to precious puppies.

You and Erron black had grown up together. Two kids brought closer by horrible lives. Sharing the scraps of food you had with each other. Ranting about awful parents, ranting about school. In your teenage years, you were the one to patch him up after fights. He was the one to beat the shit out of your bullies. The two of you hated that town and everyone in it. You used to think the two of you would stay as thick as thieves forever. Your paths only split when you wanted to live a normal life. Live the peaceful, country way you had seen so many others do, but never grew up with yourself. Erron, however, only wanted money, glory. He wanted to take the back roads and do all the things normal folks wouldn't dare to get his fill. 

You didn't understand his choice to be a mercenary, but it wasn't your choice to make for him. Whatever life he wanted to have was good enough for you as long as he made it out of that shitty town. He didn't contact you much. He only really showed up on your doorstep when he was dying and needed someone to patch him up. But at least he was coming to see you, right? 

With a sigh you stepped into your little country home, smiling slightly at the immediate sounds of your fur babies running to meet you. A blur of orange fur rushing to thread between your legs and trip you, while your sweet pound mutt waited patiently for you to set your keys on the key rack. 

"Hey boys." Chester meowed at you rather loudly, only to take off when you leaned down to pet him. The crazy feline darting under Archie's body as he happily waited for his own pets. It was easy to smile at the warm welcome, immediately a little more relaxed after finally getting home. You stretched at the door, setting your bag down to head into the kitchen.

The first thing you settled on was giving your boys their long-awaited scoops of food, both of them sat down neatly next to each other. Only Archie waited for your go-ahead, Chester already digging in by the time you gave him a laughing "Ok, Archie." 

You patted your mutt before taking some leftovers out, eyes catching on the printed photo of you and Erron from senior year. It's been a few months since last he came to visit. The thought made you a little sad. But the memory of the photo gave you a nostalgic, happy feeling. With an arm slung around his shoulders, and a goofy look on your face, Erron was the complete opposite of you. The goof pretended to be annoyed at your antics, but you could see the slight smile at the corner of his lips.

"Come on! Just one photo. It's not like it's going to kill you, Erron."

"It's not going to kill me, no. But I might end up killing you."

"Pfft- yeah right."

Your smile grew a bit wider. You sat down at the table alone as you finished your dinner. Erron had always been a strange one. Always tough, trying to be unfeeling. Not wanting anyone to be close. Not wanting any affection besides the one-night stands and the women he infatuated. Always the one to flirt, but never with you.

No. Not ever with you. You smirked. He always acted differently around you. More nervous, more fidgety. You'd been in love with him since before you even knew what love truly was. And you had known for years that he loved you back. You had just been waiting for him to admit it. You'd scoffed at yourself time and time again for not making the first move, but Erron wasn't ready for that. You didn't think he was, at least. You just wished he had gotten therapy like you had asked him to.

The scraping of your fork against your plate was your only indication that you had finished eating, you definitely spaced out a bit. You always did when you thought of Erron. Maybe he would visit soon. Maybe you should stop thinking that to make yourself feel better. 

The plate clicked lightly against the floor when you set it down for Archie to lick before you set it in the sink. By the time you turned off all the lights and headed to bed Chester was already asleep on your pillow, Archie curled up in his own bed next to the nightstand. You moved the orange tabby slightly to the side so you could lay down, and he yelled in protest the way that annoyed kitties do. It was easy to slip into a comfortable sleep with your boys next to you. 

The sound of your sweet Archie growling a feral warning was what woke you up that night. You shot out of bed, ripping off the covers and grabbing the shotgun from under your mattress. Archie never growls. An unhinged bark sent a jolt of panic through you, along with Chester, who woke up to sprint under your bed and hide. Archie certainly never barked. Not like that. Not in that way. Something was wrong. You clicked off the safety and cocked the shotgun.

You moved slowly at first, creeping your way over to the sound of Archie's growls, but when he let out a sharp whine, your vision went white-hot with rage. 

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DOG!" You shouted, finally turning the corner and into the living room where two figures lurked. The lamp was still on, and as your eyes adjusted you could make out the masked face of Erron, and the form of some asshole looming over Archie with your baby backed into a wall. 

Erron didn't respond at all at the sight of you. The unknown figure by your dog stood up slowly and whistled.

"You did say she was a feisty one." You scowled, keeping the gun pointed squarely on the man.

"Erron. I don't know why you're fucking here, but please tell me you don't know this asshole so I can just shoot him." Erron rolled his eyes at you. The figure laughed, moving away from Archie, who sprinted over to you so that he could cower behind your legs. Your eyes were trained on the figure as he proceeded to sit in your own fucking armchair.

"Name's Kano. Leader of the black dragon." The black dragon. The group of mercenaries that Erron had joined. Why the fuck did Erron bring this guy into your home. Erron called your name.

"Set the gun down, sugar." You didn't take your eyes off of Kano. 

"Respectfully, Erron, I don't think I will." Kano laughed, but you didn't think anything was funny. Erron called your name again, strutting over to you carelessly. Archie growled as he got closer. He set a hand on the gun, pushing it down.

"Calm. Down." You huffed but gave in. Sending your friend a nasty look as you lowered your defense. Erron wouldn't willingly let you be in danger. There's no way he would. You had to remember that.

"We came here for some help. 'Know that cave at the edge of your property?" The cave? You found it when you had just moved in, part of an old interlocking set of mining tunnels carved out of the land in the early 1900s. When you checked it out at first, it was Erron who actually went with you. You had a fond memory of fucking around in the tunnel, only to find an old elevator next to a dead-end tunnel with bloody handprints and markings that trailed across the wall and into the elevator. That was enough to get the two out of there. What would they want with it?

"What about it?"

"Those runes we found in it match what a client is looking for. We just want to check it out, and get outa' you're way." You laughed, glancing between Kano, who was currently putting a cigarette out on your favorite chair- and Erron, who still stood next to you in an almost defensive manner.

"Am I supposed to believe that there's no catch to this? No killer secrets? No blackmail?" Kano snickered, standing from his chair and walking over to you. You stood strong, but the beating of your heart sped up. You hated feeling afraid.

"The catch is, you show us the cave, and we leave your little buddy here alive." You scowled, and Erron sighed deeply at his boss, knowing already that he had started something.

"First of all, you don't get shit if you threaten my dog, asshole. You piece of human sh-"

"Just think of it as a favor between friends." Erron interrupted. You frowned at his words. His paycheck was definitely depending on it. Your thoughts split In two different ways. One, the fact that he's using your friendship to manipulate you into doing him a favor, two… it felt relieving that he still thought of you as friends. 

You finally gave in, sighing and relaxing almost completely. Archie nuzzles your leg before running off. You turned your head just slightly to watch him out of confusion when a sudden yank catches your attention. Kano had snatched your shotgun straight out of your hands. Erron stiffened next to you.

"I'll take that!" 

"You-!" Erron held out back just as you went to lunge at Kano. You struggled against him for just a moment before he gave you a bit of a push to set you back. What had gotten into him?!

"Ah ah ah! Sorry, Sheila, there's no way we're gonna let you keep this on you. Erron?" Kano taunted. You went to yell in protest but only yelped, Erron's hands suddenly holding onto your arm.

"Just comply. It'll be over soon." Erron whispered. You grumbled in protest but didn't fight it as they took you from your warm house. 

Kano walked proudly ahead of you and Erron while navigating to the cave. Fucker didn't even know where he was going. You had been scowling the whole time, a surprising feat while Erron was around. Speaking of which, His hand on your arm had softened its hold, but the strangest thing was that he still wouldn't look at you.

"This is your idea of a visit?" You mumbled to him. He shook his head, his heavy steps landing on a twig he forcefully snapped as you walked. He was definitely in a mood.

"This' a business trip, hun. Wouldn't be here if it weren't for that." You snickered.

"Yeah right. You'd end up here eventually." You said the words but didn't quite believe them as you walked. "Don't think you could stay away if you tried."

"-And I tried." You ignored the painful sting in your chest, going silent before shouting another set of directions to Erron's dipshit boss. You could almost feel Erron's gaze change as his eyes remained on you.

"-look, I didn't want you to get caught up in all this. It's bad enough that I'm here now." The words made you frown slightly. You elbowed Erron in the side, trying to make a little light of the situation.

"Better than Kano coming out here by himself." Erron laughed. 

" 'Betcha you'd've killed him the moment he stepped into your house."

"I almost did." You couldn't see Erron's smile through his mask, but the happy look in his eyes was infectious. You couldn't help but blush a bit, walking closer to him. His hold on your arm was loose and comfortable at this point, and you couldn't make yourself break out of it.

"You lovebirds done shit-talking or what?" God, you hated this Kano guy. The rest of the walk was silent. After about 30 minutes of almost tripping on fallen limbs, you finally made it to the cave. 

"Quite a big place for such a little property, huh?" You didn’t respond to Kano. Ignoring him as Erron guided you to walk past him.

"Oh don't be coy. Where'd all that fire go?" Kano was taunting you again, but both you and Erron ignored him this time. Erron spoke over him when he tried to speak a third time.

"Which way d'you go from here?" You laughed.

"You think I know? I try to stay away from this place as much as I can. Haven't been here since you were with me." Erron furrowed his eyebrows, taking a moment to click a flashlight on. He looked around for a moment, before setting out in a direction. Kano followed behind, a little too close to your back for your liking. 

Shivers ran rampant across your skin when you finally found the elevator. Kano pushed past you forcefully, knocking you off balance. Erron caught you with a steady hand around your waist. You relaxed in his touch, and once again pushed forward.

"Ahh! Look at that beauty!" Kano took out a camera, and you flinched at the flash. 

"I'm sure the client won't mind if we keep a few copies of the pictures to ourselves, now would he?" Kano laughed. Being around Erron was nice, but you were losing your patience. It was late, you had work in the morning, and you were just plain tired of this black dragon bullshit. You didn't notice when Erron's arm fell away from yours.

"Look, I showed you the cave. Just give me my gun, and let me go back to bed." Kano snickered at your words, Erron loomed behind you. 

"I don't think you'll be going far." Kano spat on the ground after he spoke, you scowled. 

"Excuse me?" Kano's smile was gritty and disgusting. He whistled at Erron, walking past you with your shotgun held loosely in his grip. You contemplated snatching it, but when you whipped around-

It almost felt like you couldn't breathe. You were staring down the barrel of Erron's pistol for a long moment. 

"Look kid, we can't have someone like you knowing about this cave thing, it's too risky and all that blabber, you understand. You've been such a delightful host and all, but it's time for you to go." Kano laughed.

"Can't tell any divine dipshits about our little meeting if she's dead anyway, now can she Erron?" Erron had never been so out of focus before, his stomach wringing in knots. He hardly knew what to think as he pointed the gun at you, something he'd never thought he'd ever do.

"Hey?" A little voice called out. A little face leaning down to peer at the little boy with his head buried unto his knees. He hardly glanced up. 

"Hi." He had murmured so quietly.

"Do you want to share this sandwich with me? You look lonely."

"Erron?" Your voice quivered. Panic was written all over your face. His finger lingered on the trigger as his chest squeezed.

"Sit still, dumbass." You squeezed his bloodied arm.

"That shit burns!" He hissed out. You laughed at him, dabbing at the large cut he had gotten from some idiot with broken glass on the school grounds.

"Well duh. It's isopropyl alcohol. It's gonna burn like hell." He was cute when he was confused. You laughed. 

"It disinfects the wound, Erron."

"... I knew that. I'm not fucking stupid." He had grumbled.

"Nothin' personal." He finally spoke. The words hurt him as they came out.

"That's not how you use a rifle." Throwing popcorn, at Erron, you quickly stole the remote to turn the volume up.

"Shh! Just shut up and enjoy the movie. Westerns aren't exactly supposed to be realistic."

"Well I can't really enjoy an unrealistic western, can I?- he's holding that wrong-"

Your face started to shift from panic to anger as kano patted Erron's shoulder, walking back into the rickety elevator.

"Panicked now, aren't ya Sheila? Want to beg? Or are you the proud sort?" You snarled at him.

"No." You said stiffly. "No. I want to see you do it, Erron." Kano laughed from the elevator. Erron remained stiff, his smooth voice taking a moment to come out.

"Look, you don't know-"

"I said do it, Erron!" You snapped, stepping closer to the cowboy. He didn't step back, his hand didn't waver. You stepped close enough to him that the barrel of his pistol pressed to your forehead. 

"Go ahead! Be Kano's little lapdog. Shoot me." You spat, the adrenaline working its way into your system. "Shoot me and say goodbye to all the FUCKING years I took care of your ass and bury me in that shitty town we grew up in Erron!" Erron's stone-faced seriousness finally broke, and even though he was wearing a mask you could still see the rage in his eyes as he grabbed you by the collar of your shirt and forcefully yanked you closer to him. He kept the gun pressed to the side of your head.

"Do you have any idea who you're provoking? You. don't. know me. anymore. Sugar. You don't have any idea what I'm capable of!" You let out a curt laugh.

"You and I both know I still do." You snarled. Both of you went silent, the tension crackling between the two of you. You could see the panic that hid under the steely overlaying emotion in his eyes. Only Kano's ongoing childish taunts remained.

"Well then, Erron? Get on with it!" Erron's stiff posture remained, he spoke to Kano, but his eyes remained on yours. 

"Fuck off Kano." Kano didn't take that well.

"Excuse me? I'm your boss, dipshit. You can't just-" All of a sudden, Erron pushes you back, reels around, and shoots through the spaces in the old metal elevator, the bullet hits the back of the wall, and ricochets through the old, decaying pulley rope that held it up. Kano looks up in horror and rage. His screaming and cursing faded as the elevator launched down and crashed to the very bottom of the mine.

All is silent. All that can be heard is your labored breathing from all the shouting and adrenaline.

"Still want me to shoot you?" Erron asks. Speaking smug words with a tone only you could recognize as him trying to hide his panic. You scowled again. Walking over to him with tears stinging at the corner of your eyes.

"You're such a fucking asshole!" You shouted, punching him in the shoulder. Erron didn't flinch.

"And?" You couldn't stop the tears now. All the pain, and heartbreak, and sadness rushing out at once. You weekly hit his shoulder one more time, and grappled him into a hug, burying your face into his chest without being able to stop your sobs. Erron stood stiff. After a moment, his arms slid around your waist, and he held you back tightly.

"Kano's gonna kill you for that." You laughed through the tears. Erron didn't respond. His hand left your side for only a moment, and when it held onto again he had taken off his mask, letting it drop to the floor. Erron buried his face into your hair, holding you a bit tighter than before. 

It was quiet again. Erron squirmed after a moment.

"...I wouldn't have buried you in that town." You snorted, not taking your face out of his chest, biting your nails into the fabric of his shirt just a bit.

"So you admit you would've shot me?" Erron didn't react to the words. He only sighed into your hair, lifting a hand to pinch your ear. You pulled yourself out of his chest with a laugh, and his hands settled on your waist. You wiped your tears, your nose, and tried to make yourself a little better. It didn't really work. Erron could see that. He lifted a calloused hand to your cheek anyway.

"Just because you've come to your fucking senses doesn't mean I'm not still mad." You sniffled, smiling still as the bitter words fell out of your mouth.

"Yeah, well you should be. Kano was being an asshole anyway. That's the only reason I let you go." Erron coughed, you raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not buying it. He rolled his eyes, huffing through his nose.

"... Maybe not the only reason." The smile returned to your face, and you rolled your eyes at him this time. At this point, it was almost like he didn't realize it himself.

"God, you're really not fooling anyone, dumbass." Erron scowled, about to retort when you decided, Fuck it. And clutched his face to pull him into a kiss. He didn't respond at first, stiff and uneasy.  Always so stubborn. After a second or two though, he melted into your lips, pulling you closer. It was hard to hold on to all your anger when he was just so kissable. He'd get his ass beaten for this little stunt. You would make sure of that, but right now all you wanted to focus on was the relieving kiss you had waited so long for.

[obeiii-mee]

Heyo, this is my first time asking (im kinda new to tumblr, so please dont judge) if you would'nt mind, could you do some headcannons (or oneshots, it dosen't matter) with all the demon bros and a MC who is crippled/paralized in their legs, and has to use a wheelchair to get around? Thank you!!

——————————-

This is the first time I’ve written about a crippled MC, so I hope I didn’t fuck this up or anything. I found out that being paralysed in both legs is a disability called Paraplegia so that’s how I titled this post. And y’all are too sweet, you are more than welcome anon! I hope I can portray this properly because I am not crippled myself so I’ve opted to do some research before writing this! I hope you like it! Also, I feel inclined to add that none of the brothers would treat you too differently if you happen to have a disability because you’re their human nonetheless :)

——————————-

The Brothers with an MC that has Paraplegia and needs a wheelchair to get around:

Lucifer:

-Lucifer was in charge of choosing the final human, exchange student for the program so it’s guaranteed he already knew about your predicament before you even arrived

-Him and Diavolo probably had many meetings concerning your disability before the program could commence, considering that being unable to walk would double the chances of you getting killed since you are obviously more vulnerable

-Not to mention all the treatment you would require

-Lucifer is not well versed in human illnesses and disorders, but he makes sure that he is educated enough on the matter before you get brought down there

-It would not be easy, but he is determined to help you survive your year in DevilDom for the prince’s sake

-First problem of the day was, of course, your wheelchair

-Due to lack of time, Lucifer was unable to instal ramps around the House of Lamentation which meant that for the first couple of weeks, someone would’ve had to help you move around certain parts of the house

-He gave that highly prestigious job to himself because he didn’t trust his brothers and thought they would accidentally drop you and your wheelchair down the stairs

-He talks a lot to you, even at the beginning, because he needs to establish your needs and what he should do to make sure you don’t die for the following year

-You would have to tell him about physical therapy and how most commonly it uses heat, massage and exercise to stimulate your nerves and muscles, making it a great treatment for people with leg paralysis

-Once you two enter a more intimate and personal relationship, it’s more than likely he’ll help you perform those things himself (instead of kidnapping a human doctor from somewhere)

-Lucifer knows you have no problem getting around with your wheelchair by yourself but there are times where he’ll insist to push you along in order to give you a quick break

-I can totally imagine you two strolling around DevilDom and having cosy chats about RAD and your adjustments to DevilDom

-He has a softer side to him that he’s afraid to show most of the time, but he feels so at ease when you’re around, it’s hard for him to hold that part of him hidden from you

-Of course, your safety still remains his primary concern and he acts more like your guardian than Mammon does, even if he was originally supposed to look out for you

-He will accompany you almost anywhere. And if he can’t, he’ll have one or more of his brothers do it. And even then he’s probably lurking nearby, just in case

-He would always be willing to listen about your condition, if you wished to tell him whether you were born with the defect or why you ended up crippled later in life. Either way, he’s all ears

-If you would rather not speak about it, he wouldn’t pry and respect your decision because he knows it’s not his place to pressure you

-Because of your paralysis, it’s quite obvious to demons that you are even weaker (physically speaking) than most humans and that usually puts a target on your back

-Howver, never fear, because Lucifer is pretty quick to put lower rank demons in their place with just a mere stare

-Oop one of them passed out from the fear, haha

-In conclusion, he’s the most responsible when it comes your comfort and safety during your stay

-He makes sure you are always left in good hands and and provides most of the requirements you need

-Y’all should see how his wings puff up when he senses a threat approaching you, he looks like a peacock ready to go on attack lol

Mammon:

-The second born is unsurprisingly a bit of a jerk at first

-He stays really grumpy the whole day of your arrival because he’s stuck babysitting you stupid human

-“Lucifer c’mon, what’s all this workload for? The human can’t even walk by themselves, why do I have to help them out?”

-Wtf Mammon you can’t say shit like that

-Anyways, the following very few days, the only thing he’s thinking about is how much money he could sell your wheelchair for

-He’s the literal incarnation of greed, what else did you expect from him?

-After a while, he starts feeling a bit guilty every time he thinks about it though

-Mammon is gonna take this secret to the grave (laughs in immortal) but he actually really likes pushing you around

-Maybe it’s because it’s a clear indication to everyone around him that you are HIS human, under HIS protection and therefore you trust HIM the most since he was your FIRST MAN

-He will insist on helping you get out of that thing when you need to go to bed and stuff every night and he will get pouty real fast if you let any of his other brothers do it

-You wake up to him trying to roll around in your wheelchair one night at like 3am

-At some point, he stole a wheelchair from the human realm to match with his human. You can guess the consequences of his actions

-I can imagine you having to face a staircase or something at school and Mammon being like:

-“Fuck it, imma carry this fragile human instead; wheelchair and all!”

-Like you were a sack of potatoes or something smh

-Cue his brothers watching him from a distance as he heaves you and basically weight-lifts you up the stairs

-Ok but every now and again, he gets so sad thinking about you not being able to walk, like he starts crying kinda sad

-While you stand there like 😐 “Why are you crying?”

-He’s so quick to help if he senses you’re in danger too

-It’s canon that Mammon is crazy fast if he wants to be so if he has even the slightest impression that your life is threatened, his feet are already moving

-He will charge at your immediate threat at around 120 miles per hour-do not try him when he’s mad

-“The Great Mammon saved the day! C’mon MC, let’s go buy some ice cream. My treat! Ya better be grateful!”

-He says while the demon that tried to eat you lies on the floor with about a dozen broken bones

-Mammon is the second most powerful demon out of all of his brothers, even if he doesn’t resort to violence often

Levi:

-He didn’t really know how to react when you first teleported to DevilDom

-I mean, from the very beginning he considered you to be a human normie but at the same time, he felt bad you were stuck with his brothers for the rest of the year

-I think he would understand you would have an even harder time integrating yourself in their house because of your disability and he knows his siblings are really fucking annoying, always pushing you around and whatnot

-So, he kinda lets you hide in his room quite often

-You guys chill out in there all the time, much to the dismay of the other brothers who also want to spend time with you

-At some point, Levi definitely begged asked Lucifer to let you start online classes with him

-“But wouldn’t it be easier for MC to do online school from home rather than go to R.A.D since there aren’t any ramps or anything around there???”

-“The answer is no Leviathan.”

-“Ugh fine! What a fucking boomer-“

-For some reason, he gets so flustered whenever you ask him to push you around

-He blushes right to the tips of his ears and then he starts sputtering some nonsense that you can’t make out at all

-But he’s more than happy to do it, especially if you guys are going to a convention or if he’s dragging you out to buy new merch

-You two would get along in the sense that Levi realises the struggles you faced all your life were tough to overcome and he believes you are just like him

-Usually left out by other people, ignored even

-He knows you always listen to him ramble on about whatever he is currently obsessed with and how much you check up on him to make sure he never isolated himself

-He wants to do that for you too! Talk to him about your hobbies, please I’m begging you-he feels so bad whenever he’s doing all the talking

-If you ask him to help you with anything (getting something, helping you into bed—that sort of thing), he legally and physically can’t say ‘no’

-And he would get envious enough to stop talking to you for a day or two if you let his brothers do it instead (the second and third born are indeed similar lmao)

-S T A Y I N H I S R O O M, W H E R E Y O U C A N B E P R O T E C T E D !

-He will feel so much more at ease if you’re in his room because to him, that’s his haven

-If you’re in there with him, that means you’re not getting involved in his siblings’ endless and dangerous shenanigans

-Whenever you’re at school, he can’t help but worry about your well-being

-Because you’re human! You’re gonna get killed!! Do you know how much your organs sell on the black market in DevilDom??? 100x more than in the human realm, that’s for sure

-Would they have a black market or would it be a regular market lol

-For some reason, he also likes staying in your wheelchair when you’re not using it

-I think he just takes comfort in knowing it’s something that belongs to you and smells like you and-

-OK Levi, sit back down

-He wouldn’t treat you any differently if you had a disability tbh, but he’d be more concerned because you can’t even run away or anything

-So he’s so fuckin’ relieved when you guys are just vibing in his room

-He could die happy knowing he kept his best friend/ partner safe

Satan:

-Satan would be even more prepared for your arrival than Lucifer would, in a sense

-Out of all of his brothers, he’s most likely to understand and recognise paraplegia (either from studying human illnesses/birth defects/disabilities or from encountering humans with said disability)

-He’s a smart boy, alright?

-Always seems to be the first to notice if you need help or if someone’s bothering you

-Though in the very beginning, he was pretty tempted to just let you get killed to see how angry Lucifer could get

-Seeing dear Luci’s misery brings him great joy 🥰🥰🥰

-Once you two manage to build a very honest and strong relationship, he feels more and more inclined to keep you out of harm’s way

-Pls, he would feel so honoured if you let him push you around (it’s like you asked him to h*ld h*nds or something)

-If you require treatment of any kind, he would be so happy to help

-But in a subtle way...?

-Satan makes it seem so smooth too like he doesn’t mind lending a helping hand when in reality he’s all giddy inside

-*Kinda wants to rub it in his brothers’ faces but at the same no, because he’s definitely the bigger person here

-He wants to know how your wheelchair works

-It’s got all of these neat mechanisms and he wants to learn how they’re constructed because he never had the chance to inspect one before

-He’s such a sweetheart about asking you as well and never pries about your disability unless you start elaborating yourself

-Most of the time, he acts all charming and very gentleman-like

-So people have a hard time spotting and acknowledging the building rage inside of him every time he sees you are threatened by some moronic low rank demon

-Satan’s usually chill when it comes to injuries, unless he can see you’re in horrible pain

-There’s nothing a few spells can’t accomplish

-But when others purposefully try harming you?

-It’s like he loses all the self control he’s been trying to perfect over the centuries and he can’t help himself from at least breaking someone’s rib cage

-Satan’s a weird one because he’s protective of you even though he’s more on the relaxed side when compared to his siblings

-He very much acknowledges that you made it this far in life with your predicament so he doesn’t feel the need to baby you or anything

-You’re strong and he knows this

-It’s one of the many things he clearly loves about you

-That one time you rolled over Mammon’s foot with your wheelchair on purpose, he was wheezing

Asmo:

-Even now, he can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be stuck inside a wheelchair for the rest of his eternal life

-I mean, he’d obviously still be absolutely fabulous, have you seen him? He’s gonna be gorgeous either way

-But after the two of you meet, he definitely starts thinking about how he takes his feet for granted all the time

-It would be so difficult to complete his daily tasks without the ability to walk or run around

-That’s why he gets sad every time he remembers that’s your reality and on days like that, you’ve noticed he gives you a helluva lot more attention than usual

-He knows you don’t need pity or anything so he’s just making sure his human has all the support they can get

-Paraplegia or not, shopping trips are still a go-go

-He loves buying you clothes! And he loves helping you try them on! Asmo takes it very seriously

-Might have a go at the employees if they’re being rude to you

-You don’t even ask him to, but he subconsciously starts pushing you around himself whenever the two of you are out together

-“MC! Look at that new shop that’s just opened! Isn’t it adorable? We have to check it out!”

-He can’t help it! There’s so many places he wants to visit, he sort of just drags you with him wherever he goes

-Even at home, he always pops out of nowhere to coax you into coming to his room

-Y’all have so many skin routines to do each day

-Like he’s in your room most nights to greet you goodnight and tuck you in, with the rest of his brothers it gets so awkward at times

-Asmo just wants to see you smile, ok? He thinks you have a beautiful smile and laugh and he wants to remind you that you’re marvellous, disability or not

-And if anyone does anything to put an end to your self confidence, he will swiftly put an end to their life

-Please, he’s a pro at ruining lives, he’s been doing it for centuries

-Asmo has such a huge influence over the people in DevilDom, he just needs to make this one post on Devilgram to end said demon’s whole career

-I mean, who is he compared to him, Hmm? So don’t worry MC, scum like that don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you :)

-That one time Mammon tried lifting you up the stairs and Asmo started shrieking, like put them down! Don’t manhandle them like that, poor human :(

Beel:

-I know I sound repetitive, but he would be an overall sweetheart to you no matter the circumstances

-If Mammon is not by your side, then Beel definitely is

-His big, scary aura and figure usually scares off any threat in a 10 mile radius

-Most demons don’t fancy being eaten by the Avatar of Gluttony, ya know?

-Idk why but I feel like he’d be the type to ask for oral consent every time he wanted to push you around

-He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable :(

-Surprisingly also the type to lift you and your wheelchair whenever an obstacle gets in your way

-You basically weigh the same amount as a paper plate compared to him, so he has no problem doing so

-He doesn’t really understand your condition as well as Satan may do, but he’s trying his best

-You mean so much to him and he feels it’s only fair he learns more about your disability as a thank you for what you’ve done for him

-He has a rough time keeping up with you when it comes to stuff like physical therapy because he’s very unfamiliar with it but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna help

-Of course, Beel believes that this is the second best way to show you how much he cares for you besides the obvious ‘I love you’

-Giving you a hand whenever you need his support the most

-That’s his way of saying “I’m not going to let you down. I want you to trust me, the same way I trust you.”

-And knowing him, he will try to do everything in his power to keep you safe and sound

-After a while, you’re bound to notice he’s the first one to pull you out of his brothers’ pranks before you have a chance to get hurt

-Beel is always the one handing you stuff from high places you can’t reach, without teasing you for it like Mammon might do

-Always the first one to remind you to get plenty of rest and to eat enough

-He wants to protect you and his brothers because he knows he failed to do so with Lilith so yeah, he’s a bit overprotective at times

-He doesn’t mean to be overbearing, but he gets so anxious knowing you’re by yourself

-After a few months of getting accommodated with him, your disability is no longer brought up in the conversation

-Because he doesn’t care that you are crippled and forced to use a wheelchair

-You are part of his family and he loves you no matter what

Belphie:

-He didn’t really care, even when you first met and his hatred for humans was at its very peak

-It didn’t matter that you had a disability

-All that mattered to him at the time was killing you to satisfy that deeply rooted need of vengeance inside of him

-Though he was sort of surprised his brothers didn’t get to you first

-In general, he’s pretty chill about you being crippled in both legs

-It takes too much effort to worry about your well-being 24/7 after all

-Surprisingly, he does keep an eye out for you if his siblings aren’t nearby

-It’s his redemption arc people, he’s trying to be nicer

-But he has such an irritating way of showing his affection for you

-Do not let him push you around

-He’s either going to a) fall asleep after 30 seconds and slump over you in the middle of RAD’s halls

-Or b) be annoying and fling your wheelchair in every direction possible just to piss you off

-He likes messing with you because you give him the best reactions and he thrives on that

-You’ve almost fallen off your wheelchair multiple times because of this asshole

-Not that he’d actually let you fall, he just wants to see how easily he can get you to yell at him

-Speaking of said wheelchair, like Mammon and Levi, he also loves using it when you’re not

-You’ve woken up to him curled up and asleep in that thing quiet often and he’s gotten in trouble over it every time with Lucifer

-But he doesn’t care

-And at this point, I don’t think even he knows whether he’s doing it to get a reaction out of you or because he somehow found a way to make himself comfortable there

-He would low key use you as a mode of transportation every time you go to RAD

-Just clings the damn wheelchair and almost topples both of you over

-“Belphie, there’s nothing stopping you from walking 😐”

-“Shh, just bring me to class and let me nap until then.”

-He doesn’t mention your legs but he still lays his head on your lap often

-Might make you hold him like a bride every time you stroll around the house

-It’s done out of love, I promise 😌😌

———————————

Al~

[mx-barnes]

Soulmate Au 2/?

Bucky x F!Reader

Summary: When you turn 18 you get the name of a song on your wrist. That is the song you and your soulmate share. It is also how you can communicate with them.

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: None really.

A/N: Sorry I know it’s short. I have been experiencing a lack of ambition to write. I also felt like I had a duty to post something cause I haven’t posted in a while. Ok I also know the song wasn’t out in the forties but idc ok it’s an amazing song and it reminds me of Bucky and if I am having trouble sleeping I listen to it. Feedback appreciated. All my own writing. Gif not my own

Chapter 1 Masterlist

The alarm clock on your end table reads 6:30 am 30 minutes from before your alarm is supposed to wake you up. It’s not that you didn’t welcome the fact that you were up early than usual but you silently curse yourself hoping to fall back into the pleasant dream you were having. Although you had wanted to meet him in real life, not just the dream world you knew that it wouldn’t happen. If he had stayed hidden from you for this long don’t think you are going to find him in a day. You wish you just had something to go off of. Pulling you out of your thoughts is your cat needling into you. Although he was annoying Alpine loved you. You remember the day you got him. It was soaking rain and you had found a box on the side of the road. You decide to pull over to pick up the garbage lying around on the ground. You pull over the road and go to lift up the box and it was unusually heavy you check inside. To your surprise, there was a small white kitten looking at you with blue eyes. From that day on he was the only man in your life he probably senses that your soulmate is in the picture now so he is being an even bigger attention whore.

You may want to go back to the dream realm but your adult life calls. You roll out of your bed and wrap a small blanket you had at the end of your bed because although you had to get up it didn't mean you didn't have to be warm. You treck your way out of your bedroom and into the kitchen. With your blanket draped over your shoulders you silently make your breakfast. A simple bowl of cheerios. Nothing too extravagant but a simple meal. People may say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day but you have always disagreed with that statement. Give you some coffee and you are good to go. Although that was very particularly healthy you started eating actual food at breakfast. Once you finished your bowl you put it in your sink to be later washed. You walk back into your bedroom and enter your bathroom. You strip and step into the shower. Ket the warm water flows down around your back as you listen to music and sing along. Quietly f course even though you wanted to scream the lyrics. Once you had finished your shower you exited wrapped in a towel and changed.

Slipping into a white low v cut shirt and some beige pants. Walking back into the bathroom quickly dry and straighten your hair leaving just a little bit of wave because you can't fully straighten it. You pull your hair back into a high ponytail leaving two pieces out to frame your face. Quickly, you grab your purse, phone, and keys. Turning to wake towards the door you lock the door and leave to work.

It wasn't a long drive to your job. You worked at Stark Industries. It wasn't the same after Tony died but you still appreciated working there. You and Pepper had become quick friends after bumping into each other in the hallways one day. You were ecstatic for her when she got promoted to CEO. Almost as her first act, she had you instated as her assistant. She gave you fair hours and you didn't mind. There wasn't ever any awkwardness in be between the two of you. Pepper never acted like she was better than you and thank god for that. She was one of the best people you knew she was having a hard time dealing with Tony's death but that was understandable. She had lost her husband and became a single mother. She had the avengers and Happy but it wasn't the same. She had offered for you to meet them time and time again but every time you declined. It's not that you didn't want to meet them. It's just sometimes it's better to never meet your heroes.

By the time you got to the office Pepper was already locked away in her office. You knocked lightly on the door.

"Come in," a voice from behind the door says.

You walk in and notice Pepper sitting at her desk as she normally does but her cheeks are tear stained and her eyes are red. "Hey, you are not supposed to be here before me. You should be at home with Morgan."

"Happy has her. I just couldn't be in that house anymore. Hell, I can't even be in New York without thinking about him. He saved this city. He saved the world. I know that it's silly and selfish of me to hide away from my daughter but I just... I look at her Y/n and I see him. I see his smile, his curiosity, I see the playboy he was before he settled down. All I see is him in her and I-"

"Hey, we can get through this together. Me and you." You walked up to her and hugged her. She hugged you back her arms not letting go. You rub her back soothingly. "It's okay it's all gonna be ok."

"You're right. You're right I just got to get this done. Power through this. This feeling I am experiencing will pass."

You hesitate not knowing what to say. Finally, you figure you should tell her. "I saw him."

"Him? Who him?" She straightened up as she questioned.

"My soulmate. I don't know what made me. I was even planning on it but then I got this feeling that I should try it and well I saw him."

"What'd he say?"

"He said he was sorry. He was sorry but he couldn't love me first. I was desperate so I tried again the next night last night. He said..." You were on the verge of tears "He said he was sorry. That he didn't want to hurt me. That he would agree to see me. Only in the dream realm for right now but it's better than nothing. God, he was gorgeous. His eyes sparkled like ice. I just wish I wish I could prove to him how much I love him even if he doesn't want to let me in. I want him to know he deserves all the love in the world.”

“Y/n you got to tell him. You remember how I was when I found out that my boss was my soulmate,” Pepper's eyes dropped sadness filling her eyes. “Listen it doesn’t matter how cold it closed off he seems you need to make the decision if you want to keep him in your life. If all he wants is the dream world then you move on you’ve got to be the one to make the first move.”

“Your right. I should be allowed to be happy.”

<~>

You were a dream come true. After he pushed you away from you you accepted gratefully back into your arms.

Bucky would spend the rest of his life making it up to you. He couldn’t believe his luck. Back in the 40s when he first tried he couldn’t find you then he was shipped off to war so he decided not to try again just encase but here he was almost 80 years later with this gorgeous soulmate. God, he was a sap. He was ready to change for you.

He had told you that you couldn’t meet him yet and that he only could see you in the dream realm for right now. He knew it was the right call even if it hurt him. Even if he wanted to hold you in the real world but he couldn’t not yet. He needed to fix himself before he let you in. He couldn’t let his past hurt you. You were far too important to him. That’s what he did.

He started taking his court-mandated therapy seriously. He needed help and he couldn’t do it on his own. So when he went to meet you that night he told you about it. He went over to his record player and search for the record. Finally, he found it. A picture of Harry James on the cover he slid the disk out of its paper case. Carefully get placed on the record player and dropped the needle. He knew there were better ways to play the song but he found comfort playing it on vinyl like he had many many years ago.

He practically ran back to his little spot on the floor where he slept and slowly the feeling of falling began to happen.

Once the feeling stopped he looked around to find his childhood home once again. He called out still a bit queasy “Hello,”

No response. That was weird. So he called out once again “Hello,”

Again no response he started to panic. Maybe you didn’t come tonight. Maybe you decide he wasn’t worth it.

A voice broke the anxiety building. “Hey, sorry it took me a bit longer today.”

“Yeah no that’s fine I understand.” He smiles slightly.

“So how was your day?” You asked. God, there was something so intoxicating about your voice. It was smooth and angelic. He could listen to it for the rest of his life.

“I mean it was good. I decided to start taking my therapy more seriously I want to get better for you. How was yours?”

“That’s great. My day was ok I guess I mean I was real busy at work.” You moved closer to him his heart picked up.

“Yeah, yeah I guess it good,” Bucky stuttered. I mean you were incredibly gorgeous but he felt safe in your presence not wanting to lose a second of time with you. Slowly his head started spinning and being brought back to reality “Listen I don’t have much time left we meet here again same time tomorrow. Deal?” His voice hopefully searching your eyes for any sign of rejection to his great fortune there wasn’t any.

“Deal.” you stepped up closer to him kissing him on the lips before he was rudely pulled back into reality. He sat up with a start (like gif).

Groaning and grumbling about how it was too soon to be pulled out of and if he only had more time with you.

Chapter 3

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@oceanmermaidwitch