#ok i lied i am compelled to comment

[sunflowersandsapphires]

Fall Drabbles, Day 5

prompt: pie

pairing: Frank Castle x fem!Reader

summary: You are not willing to accept that Frank doesn't like pie.

warnings: swearing, more sickly sweet fluff

a/n: This is set in my Gray Skies AU but you do not need to read that one to enjoy this drabble. I had a great time with this piece as well. Post divider once again from the lovely @saradika!

w/c: <1k

“I cannot believe you. How can you not like pie?” You giggled, looking at Frank in shock.

The large man shrugged, hint of a smile tugging at his lips. “Dunno. Was never my thing.”

“But there’s so many varieties!! Pumpkin, pecan, French silk, key lime, savory pies! You don’t like any of them?” 

“I didn’t know this was such a deal breaker for you, sunshine.” Frank chuckled, trying not to let his honesty betray his concern. 

“Oh it’s not a deal breaker,” You assured him, to Frank’s overwhelming relief. “Just means I’ll have to put in the effort to change your opinion.” 

“Oh yah?” Frank raised an eyebrow at you. 

“I’m a professional baker, Frankie. That is literally my job.” Planting a gentle kiss on his lips, you hovered your lips next to his ear and whispered menacingly. “You’ll never see it coming.” 

Frank laughed deeply, pulling you into a hug. “We’ll see about that sunshine. 

Glancing around your kitchen with a grimace, you began gathering the dirty dishes when a knock sounded throughout your apartment. 

“C’mon in!” You yelled above the clatter as you hurried to tidy up the huge mess you’d unknowingly created. 

“Jesus,” Frank whistled under his breath as he took in the state of your apartment. 

”I take my craft very seriously,“ You panted, leaning on the counter to catch your breath. 

Shaking his head, your boyfriend strode over to you, using a thumb to wipe off the smear of icing sugar on your nose. He chuckled, ”I can see that, darlin'. You did all this for me?”

“Of course, Frankie! It's fall, otherwise known as pie season! We have to find one you like.” You explained, taking him by the hand and dragging him to the table where you had laid out 7 different pies. “Ok so I didn't have time to make ALL of these but I chose my 3 favorite pies from around the city and made the other 4.”

Frank was blown away by the visible lengths you'd gone to for his benefit. It wasn't that he didn't like pie, it just had never really stood out to him. A pastry was a pastry, after all--if you put it on his plate he would polish it off all the same. The two of you had gone to a diner and shared a slice of pie that was fine, which he had admitted when he encouraged you to finish it off.

But he wasn't expecting your kindness and genuine care for him to run so deep. How often did someone love him to the point that an offhanded comment compelled them to go on a baking spree until they found his perfect bite? Had it ever happened before? He honestly wasn't sure, and that in itself was almost too much to bear. Everything you did, you did with your entire heart and he adored you for it.

Slightly overwhelmed, he sat down with a tinge of apprehension, which, of course, you picked up on. “I know I went a little overboard. Say the word and we'll pull the plug on this whole thing and I'll donate all these.” 

“Hell no, sunshine. Let's eat!”

You giggled, sitting beside him so that your thighs were brushing. ”Alright, well the 3 I bought were the cherry, the strawberry rhubarb, and the lemon meringue. The ones I made were pumpkin, french silk, apple, and pecan. And, I didn't include it in the count, but I made a chicken pot pie for myself for dinner and you're welcome to try that too!“ Huffing an exhale, you looked at him nervously. ”Saying all of that out loud really highlights how crazy this was. I am so sorry.“

Taking your hand, Frank brushed a kiss over your knuckles. “Thank you, darlin'. For goin' through all the trouble for me. I—I don't think anyone's ever been this devoted to making things that I like.” 

Smiling sweetly, you gave his stubbled cheek a kiss. “Shall we see if you like any of these pies?” 

“I like everything you make, sunshine” He chuckled, taking the fork from your outstretched hand. 

Giving an exaggerated groan, you rolled your eyes to him. “Well I wish I'd known that before going through all this TROUBLE.”

Frank gave a bellowing laugh, eagerly digging into the slice you placed before him. 

[silviakundera]

Love's Rebellion ep 4 -8 watch comments (warning: these are my raw thoughts, so can be critical. don't read if that will upset you.)

I am enjoying the drama now less than in the first 3 episodes. I think it's that I have limited patience for nice characters pretending to be menacing. I'm ready for them actually to be communicating with each other and working off the same page.

I can see that he's becoming soft for her, since she's so obviously a nice person (and because of seal thingy we know he canonically has a pure heart). But I want more sexual and/or romantic tension than what they are giving so far. ML has made some effort but I'll be honest, I'm feeling nothing coming back from the FL actress. (i.e. nothing in her micro expressions & body language)

Gonna try to fast forward thru things.

Fox clan prince has been introduced. He doesn't like women; he only loves himself. So there is our first grey character.

Episode 5

It's so dumb that she believes in the fake death curse that I refuse to acknowledge this is happening

They are finally turning on some romance but guys, slow mo and mid music is not the answer. Just ask them to both ACT like they're falling in love.

The Great Sect dicks are being dicks, except 1 junior good boy

Young Dragon Lord is still a bro. Very appealing loser.

Episode 6-8

Continuing the situation where she's a nice person, but there's little in her individual performance that indicates she likes him that way. While it's clear that he has started falling for her.

Fox guy is just annoying. Sorry to all fox fans out there.

ah, memories of Super Sus Shifu. Why did ML of the canonically pure heart plead guilty? 🤔 The reason is gonna be some noble idiocy, I'm sure.

More contrived misunderstandings. The writing is forcing her to be annoyingly foolish. Why would she assume he is only after her pearl when he's never been the slightest bit interested in it?

This thing where they are always at odds for petty reasons, a fake-ass enemies to lovers, is wearing thin. Real enemies to lovers, I like. This stuff isn't to my taste. I am not a determined-to-dispute, bickering to lovers trope fan.

Now everyone's in mortal peril from boat lady, the demon elder of Evil Path sect. Sadly, she also bores me.

I like ML and FL ok (when they are getting along) and I do like Dragon bro. Add in fox and demon jiejie and 💤💤💤

Ugly cgi gremlin makes another appearance

ML shows up finally as backup. But will this just end up another annoying misunderstanding?

So after he rescues her and puts her necklace back on, they actually have a mutual romantic moment!

She's finally figured out he's a Canonically Pure Heart™ who is all bark, no bite

Now can you just get along for multiple episodes in a row???

There is absolutely no reason to forgive duplicitous fox boy and not wipe his memory and kick him the fuck out. 😑

On the plus side, we are finally getting some warm vibes back from her

oh how nice, poisioned hot pot. The fox betrayed them AGAIN. And once again he just says shit and FL lets it go. 😒

We actually get a moment of her appearing attracted to Shao Cang! 😯

I still attest that you don't need lense flares, slow mo, or tinted filters to communicate affection. Just acting. Someone ring Richard Li, he can show you how it's done.

I have enjoyed objectively worse & lower budget dramas, but somehow LR isn't clicking in with me. It somehow doesn't have that cdrama feel that compels me... Perhaps I'm not hooking into that emotional sincerity; so many things are constantly happening but they feel like noise and I don't have emotional resonance from the episodes. Characters are frequently picking at each other & prodding at each other, which fills up time on screen but that's what it all feels like... filler. Somehow the vibes remind me less of a cdrama and more about the fantasy adventure genre of tv series that were being aired on Sci-fi (Syfy) network and the BBC circa 2005 - 2015. And tbh I mostly watched those shows because of fandom participation and fan outputs, not for the media product on its own.

I've commented before that cdramas finally introduced me to "good guy" characters that I wholeheartedly love and see as badass. But these leads aren't that style of protagonist. This isn't Xie Lian, Shen Qiao, Tang Fan, et al. So I'm left wishing that FL and ML were more ruthless, calculating, and grey.

[schrodingers-hoarding-problem]

Moonlight Chicken Ep. 4

ok ok it did take me forever to finish this episode, in my defense I have once again changed countries (not time zones tho thank god)

anyways, goddamn this was an emotional rollercoaster of an episode

we start with my boys, heart and li ming being ever so adorable. that whole scene of them with heart pretending to be asleep and then the shot of their hands? amazing I loved it

was relived to finally find out what the deal with alan & wen was, also ik alan is not being painted in a good light rn but I cannot help falling for first no matter his character ok

then fourth being just such an amazing actor? that argument with Jim really got me but then I was ok again because heart cheering him up gave me oh so much joy (you better believe I have gifs from that scene saved already lol)

totally forgot that the birthday party was this episode until I consulted my notes and oh that was so so sweet

like I said before, I am very much blinded by my love for first but also alan is so compelling on screen because he's really going through it rn. and while I understand his anger, its not like wen has done anything wrong

anyways that whole ending scene with the song (I was so excited to see ford again, I love his voice), gaipa and his mom are so so sweet and I love them, heart & li ming sneaking out together and finding heart a place in the deaf community was amazing (and from what I've seen in the comments its really good representation and we always love to see that), and then ofc the angst of alan and his encounter with jim and wen, that was intense

[autisticandroids]

REALLY IMPORTANT #MPPREGPOCALYPSE THOUGHTS.

ok i am pulling a paragraph out of this post:

oh and 3) could you imagine lily sunder has some regrets if cas was pregnant? unfathomable episode. like ishim and mirabel’s reaction but ALSO lily’s. and it would fix the number one issue i have with lily sunder, which is that the resolution of the moral dilemma is “well AKSHUALLY the kid was human and not a nephilim so killing it was bad” rather than “it was bad to kill lily’s baby, full stop.” like ishim’s cover up and using the machinery of power to manipulate the truth is very compelling, but the fact that it results in the moral essentially being “it would have been okay if the kid had been a nephilim” suuuuuucks.

so let me set the scene. cas is pregnant, and it is a secret. or at least, it's a secret from the winchesters. a la this au, though this doesn't necessarily take place in that au specifically. but what you need to know is that cas is pregnant, it's a secret from the winchesters and other angels, and cas has some kind of glamor spell that's hiding his pregnancy from angels which requires constant maintenance.

anyway. the basic theme of canon lily sunder is ishim abusing his power to be a sexual predator towards women (lily obviously, but also the comments he makes about cas' former vessel). that's a theme i want to preserve. and the fact that he lied about the nature of lily's daughter to cover up his own indiscretion is integral to that. but i think i've found a way.

like, in canon lily sunder, ishim was the original angel who appeared to lily, and he was her friend until he started sexually harassing her. i think that we could still preserve the same basic meaning if, instead of a friendship ruined by sexual harassment, it was a romantic relationship ruined by domestic abuse.

what i'm saying is that lily's daughter is ishim's nephil, and ishim killed her and akobel to cover that up, as well as to punish lily for escaping him. i think that suitably preserves the themes about ishim and lily while also both removing the icky "is was only bad because she was human" angle and creating delicious new themes about secrets and lies and hidden desires.

anyway. during the final confrontation, after all this has come out. well. ishim nearly kills cas, just like in canon. and cas is weak. so weak that the glamor falls away. ishim's eyes go wide in disgust. and he spits, "you're carrying a nephil?"

out loud.

in front of dean, and sam, and lily.

cas still offers his own life up for lily to take, but this time there's not even a question. lily sees too clearly the terrible parallel of their situations, the horrific reversal. lily gives cas her hand, and helps him up. perhaps they have a little talk.

dean sees a certain parallel too, and feels sick. he doesn't talk. he does grip the wheel of the impala more tightly, and do a bit of much needed self-reflection.

[hopeshoodie]

I am so glad its not me that hates season three. Season 2 is my favorite didn't like how drama was always around the corner in season 1 yeah its like that in season 2 but me personally its not just mcs drama.

Ok so I didn’t realize how willing I was to rant about Season 3 still, but this got so much longer than I first meant it.

I like S1 a lot, but I agree that the drama is literally all surrounding MC. It would be nice if Erikah’s cattiness was directed towards being jealous of Jen, or if Lucy was always Levi’s ex regardless of if you were romancing him. Just some drama that MC could be outside of would be nice, because when it’s all about MC all the other characters lack depth. That’s my biggest complaint about S1, while it brings the drama and cattiness, none of the characters are fleshed out or fully realized.

That’s my big issue with S3 as well, other than the lack of drama. The fandom mostly agrees that S3 sucks because there’s no conflict? There’s no antagonists? Everyone’s just happy in their couple and not disrupting the status quo? But also literally none of the characters have personalities. It got better in Boat Party (unpopular opinion but I enjoyed Boat Party up until episode 7 and 8), but even if MC is the messiest bitch in the world the only drama is Mikki saying some shady comments. I have a lot of resentment towards S3 because it COULD’VE been so good but they squandered it. Sebevieve could’ve been an awesome slowburn non-MC pairing to ship, but they got together way too soon and Viv didn’t get a whole lot of characterization. I loved the idea of non-romantic endgame couples, but it was mishandled. I LOVE the idea of letting MC do a CherryGate esque romp behind a waterfall, but it was mishandled. It’s just so boring and lacking in any narrative structure (feels like we just restart the same day over and over again all season).

Honestly I liked the non-MC drama in S2. Operation Nope was so compelling that we’re still analyzing it years after the game was released. Marisol/Lottie/Priya/Hope all have realistic beef with each other outside of MC, and that fleshes out their characters. I even didn’t mind Jo/Shannon when I first played through (admittedly because I was romancing Rahim), but yall know how I would revise that whole thing. But they also included a good amount of MC-related drama in S2- the disaster recoupling, a Noah route, Lottie on a Gary route, etc. I think I like it so much because it feels like if you took MC out of the story completely drama would still happen, the story would continue. The characters have life outside of being LIs for players, and the non-romanceable characters are equally deep.

[emma-what-son]

(Echee post) Emma Watson criticises 'dangerously unhealthy' pressure on young women

Posted on March 30 2014

From theguardian.com March 2014 Emma Watson has criticised the "dangerously unhealthy" image projected by the fashion industry and said the pressure to look perfect has taken its toll on her. The actor has also described her doomed attempts to merge into the background as a student at an American university, where she found herself being trailed everywhere by British photographers. After the recent New York premiere of Noah, she tweeted a photograph of the array of cosmetics – and a guardian angel pin – that she said were essential aids to her flawless appearance, and another of herself in a backless dress captioned: "I did NOT wake up like this." The actress said she is better at taking criticism these days than she once was. "As a younger woman, that pressure got me down, but I've made my peace with it. With airbrushing and digital manipulation, fashion can project an unobtainable image that's dangerously unhealthy. I'm excited about the ageing process. I'm more interested in women who aren't perfect. They're more compelling." Watson became famous playing Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies and has been constantly in work since. She is about to start filming a thriller, Regression, by Alejandro Amenábar and is also trying to complete her degree at Brown University, Rhode Island. She enrolled in 2009 for what would have been a four year course, but has taken several breaks for film work, and spent a year studying at Oxford. "After Harry Potter, all that mattered was university," she said, in an interview with the Sunday Times. "It wasn't always easy to break down barriers, as having men from the British press following me with cameras didn't help my mission to integrate. The American press, by contrast, "afforded me so much privacy", but her fellow students recognised her at once. "On the first day, I walked into the canteen and everyone went completely silent and turned around to look at me. I had to say to myself 'it's OK, you can do this'. You just have to take a deep breath and gather your courage."

GUARDIAN COMMENTERS SAY: So something like this Burberry campaign she did a few years ago? Hypocrisy at its finest. She flaunts with the fashion industry and enjoys its perks all the time, but hops on the 'female beauty' bandwagon and enjoys a moan when it suits her. I'd find her socially conscientious pleas convincing if she hadn't profited in the hundreds of thousands (if not millions) from the big, bad, evil fashion/beauty industry. A few years ago, Emma Watson appeared in high-profile advertising companies for posh Paris fashion house L'ancome. I'm guessing she was handsomely remunerated for her 'work'. Certainly she was not forced into letting her photo shopped image be used to market expensive cosmetics and perfumes. Did she only discover how 'oppressive' the fashion industry is when L'ancome cancelled her lucrative contract? Ms Watson is essentially a third-rate actress, and her pronouncements on large and complex issues, such as the pressures on women, are so idiotically vapid that one is brought to conclude that she really can have very little aptitude for higher education. I mean, her comments are hardly indicative of an educated person, or even of a moderately literate or intelligent person. By the way, I understand that she spent a year at Oxford as a visiting and/or exchange student while enrolled at Brown. How come? She is a British national, and so by rights she should not have gone to Oxford on a visiting/exchange student programme, irrespective of whether she happens a student at an American university. If I am wrong about this, then I should like to have some explanation as to her status at Oxford, and how she came by it. Otherwise, I suppose that one might be forgiven for thinking that it is yet another case of a once respectable academic institutions bowing down before the false idols of celebrity and money. (This is quite apart from the fact that all that one has read about her since she began life as a student concerns her acting career, her modeling and her various boyfriends.) SOME COMMENTS FROM THE DM ARTICLE Notice how it's always people who are very aware of how attractive they are that babble on about how it's okay to have physical blemishes? I'd like to see an ugly person say the same thing. Only someone young, beautiful and with her whole life before her can say that, and mean it. Sometimes, her comments maKe her more stupid. Get lost and Wingardium Leviosa. What a daft thing to say. But, then again, this is coming from someone who can't seem to finish uni. I feel like I've aged about 10 years reading this article. Annoying girl. Not only annoying, but also pretentious and disingenuous. ^None of this is my words. It from commentators from two sites emma-what-son posted many more so check out her page

Here's what I think As for what she is saying about Brown it's a complete 180 from how she described it before 2013. In 2013 she started to elude to the fact it was not as great as she made it out to be. She gushed how wonderful her experiences had been to so many magazines. Now I think she's looking for pity and to have excuses why she never stayed at Brown. She preached how she was staying put. I am so fucking tired of having to post quote after quote proving my point with this when she lies time after time. She is not honest! What the truth is doesn't matter because she always lying. It's a constant thing with her. As for the pressures on women she is really a piece of work. The guardian commenters summed it up nicely. She had no problem attaching herself to Burberry and Lancôme. She's had no problem giving them praise and talking about fashion and make-up in just about every interview. That part where she talked about photo shopping and air brushing. Just wow! Did she see the Wonderland magazine she edited? Some photos it didn't even look like her. She'll continue allowing her image to be manipulated no matter what. She thinks she’s aging? She still looks 15 without all the make-up and photo shopping. Last year she was stopped at JFK because they thought she was a unaccompanied minor. Did you know one of the product she pushed when modeling for Lancôme was an anti-age cream? That's the dumbest comment in her entire interview. But really she's said this kind of stuff the last three years and most notably in 2011 where she had a various quotes about body image and being comfortable in your skin. I wont bore you with those quotes since I have before. She gets lauded for those comments and people place her in role model status but when you closely look at it they were just words that meant nothing at the time other than to make people think, “Emma is so anti-Hollywood!! She’s a role model for women and young girls” but meanwhile she never believed in any of it in the first place. At the time she said those things she was at a more healthier weight than she ever was. In 2011 you can tell she either stopped working out or ate more. I thought she looked her best then. Now she’s back to stick thin and even surpassed it a way IMO is unhealthy. She sending a bad message to women. From standard.co.uk July 2011, “She sees modeling as an extension of acting, in fact - just playing a role - but is conflicted about its demands. “I think the pressure the media and the fashion industry put on women to look a certain way is pretty intense. There’s a certain tyranny to trying to achieve that kind of beauty. I don’t know, I’m maybe not the best person to speak about this because I obviously completely adhere to it,” she laughs nervously. “ ^She really needs to start taking her own advice and quit being a judgmental hypocrite. Not just with this topic but everything she tends to speak out against that she does it herself. Recently she tweeted a photo of all this make-up and I posted this on my tumblr days ago

^Same phone in this photo is what they're using in the bottom photo that I also posted on tumblr She said something else recently (Sunday Times interview) that is just typical Emma. I covered this a few times. From emmawatsonbelgium.blogspot.be March 2014, "For someone who has starred in eight blockbuster movies and is worth an estimated £30m, she is endearingly modest about how green she felt leaving Harry Potter behind in 2011. Emerging from that magical machine was “really intimidating”, she says. “I’d done two tiny plays when I was, like, six and eight, but I wasn’t driven to act. I wasn’t doing Oscar acceptance speeches into a hairbrush." Yeah it might have no been a hairbrush but who knows she could be lying about that. She'd practice her speeches in mirrors. From telegraph.co.uk July 2007,  "Pauline is utterly obsessed with being an actress and I was just like that when I was younger. I dreamt of it. I practised speeches in front of mirrors. Whenever there was a part at school, I went for it. I was probably a bit of a show-off in the sense that any chance to get up and be seen, I did it. I was such a drama queen. I used to wail and moan and cry, and little things were blown up into being big things. I don't know how my parents stood it, really. I've grown up a bit. I've had to. I actually really want to be an actress, a proper actress who makes it her career. I'm always expecting to be found out and I thought, If I'm no good, now is the time to find out." She really wants people to think she all of a sudden wants to act. What I think is she is really trying to distance herself from her lack luster post Potter career by making it out like she now wants to act and that’s why she has no lead roles because her resume does not equal her hype. The last few years she’s separated herself from “always wanted to be an actress” to “I was not sure”. She’s being disingenuous as usual and people believe it. Plus she said she did modeling so directors and producers would look at her differently so that's why she used Burberry and Lancôme. And she did a course at RADA in 2008 so if she was not sure or didn't want to than why did she do these things? One more thing from the Sunday Times interview From emmawatsonbelgium.blogspot.be March 2014, "It’s about as close as she’ll get to revealing anything about her newest relationship, with Matt Janney, rugby hunk and Oxford’s most eligible bachelor. “I can’t comment on it, I’m sorry,” she says, suddenly jumping up and hastily bundling her things back into her bag, which has exploded across the sofa beside her. “I’m trying to keep my private life sacred, although I don’t want to lock myself up and never go out. So I guard it, because I don’t date people who are famous, and I don’t think it’s fair that, all of a sudden, intimate details of their personal life are public as a direct result of me. I find that so uncomfortable, and I wish there was a way I could protect those people, but it’s not in my control.” When I suggest her boyfriends are consenting adults, she looks worried. “But you don’t choose who to love, who you have feelings for, do you?” She throws her phone into her bag and retreats home to pack, as she’s flying to LA. Just a normal girl, then, off to present an Oscar."

So she can go to international magazines and complain she can't find a man or that men are intimidated by her? She had in the past before Will Adamowicz. It was in almost every one of her interviews for a few years. So she can use Matt Janney (this new guy) on a beach in a bikini PDA session as a publicity stunt to cover up her ex boyfriend being caught rolling coke bombs and also use him to product place an iPhone in Madrid but she wants to keep it private? And she doesn't date famous guys? What about Johnny Simmons (Young Neil) and George Craig (Front man for rock group One Night Only)?  If you can Google their name and you see them in movies or music videos, they're famous.

[myevilmouse]

Ahsoka was almost an adult when Luke was born you're fucking disgusting pairing them together lmao

Hello anon and thank you for the “ask” although I guess it’s a complaint more than an ask.  Still I would like to address your comment and I sincerely thank you for shooting it my way.

I think this is an excellent opportunity to discuss real world double-standards in age differences, and explain why I wrote the Ahsoka/Luke pairing in the first place!  Let’s leave aside all the typical arguments about two consenting adults and the fact that age is just a number, etc.  Let’s also leave aside all the species issues (Do Togruta age the same as humans?  Have a similar lifespan?  Is it OK for 700 year old Yoda to bang a 600 year old?  What about species that attain adulthood at younger “standard galactic” ages?).  You know, anon, it’s Star Wars so it’s patently ridiculous to place “real world” anything on interspecies dating, but let’s do it as a fun exercise.

It appears from your comment that you find the idea of an older woman and a younger man together offensive no matter the situation, since you refer to Ahsoka’s age “when Luke was born,” not when I hooked them up in the story. 

So, if, for example, Ahsoka was 60 and Luke was 43 or 44, it seems you would still have an issue.According to canon, Ahsoka is approximately 16 or 17 years older than Luke, so in my fic that would put him around 25 and her around 41 (post-Endor but not too much post-Endor).  Luke Skywalker, at this point, is a Jedi Knight, has saved the galaxy a few times, and certainly appears to be a fully mature adult human male when we see him flipping around and battling evil space wizards in ROTJ.  Mature (and smart) enough to not be taken advantage of by a sexual predator, let’s agree.Leia, similarly, is the same age as Luke, and according to canon is kissing a man 13 years her senior.I’m guessing you don’t have a problem with that?

And therein lies the double standard and hypocrisy of the argument that women have had to deal with for years.  What makes it OK for Han and Leia to have a healthy, adult relationship with a significant age difference, but squicks you about Luke in a similar situation?  Is it those extra few years that make all the difference?  Or just culturally acceptable in your brain for old dudes to bang young chicks but Force forbid an older lady find a guy whose sexual peak lines up with her own?  Or do you fall into the camp that likes to infantilize men like Luke Skywalker who display vulnerability and compassion counter to outdated macho heroic stereotypes, making you uncomfortable with thinking about him as a masculine or sexual being?  Luke and Leia are continuing a nice Skywalker tradition of disregarding age when love comes knocking. Some people freaked out about Anakin hooking up with Padme.  Their age difference was only 5 years, but the idea of a 12 year old with a 17 year old is definitely upsetting, because we are missing that critical element at those ages in the human species–maturity, adulthood.  No one wants that element when we are talking about a CHILD, anon.  I don’t care if the age difference is 30 or 4 years, if someone is not a consenting adult, yeah, be squicked, run the other way.But once we’re in to AOTC territory though, it ain’t but a thang, because Anakin was 19 years old at the time, and Padme was 24, and oh, that’s all ok now, isn’t it?  (FYI the correct answer is YES, it’s all okay now).I hadn’t ever considered Luke/Ahsoka, and when it was discussed on a server, some people had the same attitude as you, anon.  They were like UGH gross.  And I was like, wait a minute, age is the LEAST of the things that would be challenging to this ship.  There’s so much emotional baggage related to Anakin and their relationships to him, I think that would make a much more compelling argument as to why Luke and Ahsoka may wish to reconsider romantic entanglement.

But you went after the age difference, and that makes me sad and proves the point that I was addressing by writing the ship in the first place.  Why let age limit your potential for joy?  For romance?  For finding “the one”?  Luke deserves happiness, and why couldn’t Ahsoka make him happy (and vice versa)?  They have a lot in common, and if they were open enough about the challenges and pitfalls inherent in the psychology attached to their relationship, these two powerful amazing people could likely overcome the “daddy/Darth issues” that would get in the way of happily ever after.There would be a lot of fun angst to write as they figure it out, of course, and I am 100% here for that.

But if you want to get even more enraged by older women getting some Luke action, please allow me to point you to my fic Endure where Mon Mothma and Luke are paired.  And she’s 27 years his senior, and you know what?  I don’t care.  He’s an adult, he knows what he’s doing, and if they want to make sweet therapeutic love, good for them!  Only a close-minded, repressed, and judgmentally selfish person would want to deny love, comfort and intimacy to Luke Skywalker, no matter what age adult is giving it to him.

Oh, and by the way, it’s FanFic!  None of this shit is actually Important. ;)

[lethendralis-paints]

10 Characters I Would Kiss

Tagged by the affable @pikapeppa (Thank you, my dear friend! This is going to be fun!)

My list would be in some ways predictable, but with a twist. It seems that I am a strict monogamist even with my fictional loves, so only #1 will get all the kisses and 2-10 are listed in no particular order and are getting warm hugs and a peck on the cheek as beloved friends!

1) FENRIS from Dragon Age 2 (duh)

Do I even need to explain it? He ‘s the most beautiful collection of pixels I have ever seen. And the way he is written brought me to tears countless times. His background and character arc just hit all my buttons. Broken but not giving up, scarred but sensitive. Caring and loyal, proud and prickly. I just love him, ok? My precious, fluffy white dandelion!

2) SAND from neverwinter Nights 2

The snarky elven lawyer mage every Knight Captain should have at their side. And to think that Obsidian thought at the time that misogynistic evil ranger was a better choice for a LI for this game! Such a shame! 

Sand, in a velvety voice: “I derive pleasure from clarification.”

3) VALEN SHADOWBREATH from Neverwinter Nights Hords of the Underdark

Bioware knows how to make these romances... Valen is basically a 0.5 version of Fenris. A moody warrior, battling his inner rage and resentment, loyal to a fault and protective of those he cares for. Just ask the Seeker. And he’s got a tail, being a tiefling and all!

4) V from DMC5

Precious baby cane boy as @kallielef called him once. I won’t spoil his story for those who haven’t played the game yet. But trust me, it’s to die for. 

Tall, dark and brooding - check! Reading William Blake poetry and dancing instead of taunting enemies - yes, please! 

5) SERANA from TES5 Skyrim

My favourite traveling companion! Her questline is incredible, and the comments she makes on your journeys are delightfully snarky! My bff in Skyrim!

6) ZEVRAN ARAINAI from Dragon Age Origins

Oh look, yet another Bioware romance! Who knew?! 

Have to confess, at first I was put out by his lewd jokes, but being a people pleaser even in games, befriended the elf. And boy, oh boy, did his character arc break my heart to pieces...I won’t be spoiling anything, since a couple of my friends are yet to play Origins (please do, I beg of you!), but Zevran is the sweetest boy and if anything happens to him, I will kill everyone and then myself!

And somewhere he is still mourning my Warden Tabris.... *sniff*

7) ZELGADIS GRAYWORDS from anime series Slayers

Oh look, not an RPG game finally! Another broody, cursed warrior with the heart of gold! Lethy sure has a type... If you haven’t watched Slayers yet, please do! It’s delightfully funny and dramatic!

8) MARTIN SEPTIM from TES4 Oblivion

I just...I... *cries like a baby* 

I was not prepared for how the main quest in the game ended! I grew so attached to humble and intelligent former priest of Akatosh, only to... (spoilers)

9) DEEKIN SCALESINGER from Neverwinter Nights SotU and HotU

Simply the best traveling companion and the most faithful friend you could wish for! *hugs the little kobold bard and kisses his scaly little cheeks* 

Not only he’s a bard, but also a collector of rarities, a writer, and a Red Dragon disciple!

Deekin is the best Bioware companion, hands down!

10) KIAN ALVANE from Dreamfall the Longest Journey

Always admired these quiet warrior types, who are also smart and brave enough to question their beliefs and admit mistakes. His interactions with April Ryan are one the best parts of that game. And the deep philosophical questions they raise about faith, knowledge, loyalty...oof! He’s an incredibly compelling figure, for sure!

I still need to get Dreamfall: Chapters to find out what happens to him next though!

Were you surprised? Intrigued? Heard about some of these for the first time? Let me know!

Tagging forward tothe usual bunch of @tryvyalsynnes @kourvo @beckiboos @schoute @kallielef @shayafury @mago-emplumado​  and anyone else who wishes to play! As alway, no pressure if you don’t want to!

[madelgard]

Michael Pennington as Berowne in Shakespeare’s Love’s Labour’s Lost, directed by John Barton for the Royal Shakespeare Company (1978).

This review of his performance as Berowne is presented without comment:

[ralph-with-coffee]

Mitski Miyawaki -“Nobody”

It is 9:15 PM, my room had already been submerged into darkness, and street light streamed through windows illuminating pieces of my room. Unbothered, I let the darkness take it’s placed, as my ears filled with the aromatic voice of a woman, who slowly regurgitates her solitude with satirical — perhaps even ridiculously insane — levity. As her melancholic melodies streamed through my earplugs, I felt my eyes already damp with tears. As I sat in a wooden armchair in darkness, I let my eyes soak. Somehow, her deep, husky voice turned a bitter solitude into a cup of well-aged whiskey on-a-rock.

Mitski Miyawaki throws a straight-ball at you with her courageously candid words in her song, “Nobody”, which released on June 26th, 2018. In her deep lubricious voice, she says what she means right off the bat: “My God, I’m so lonely (When you truly feel lonely, there is no beating about the bush or keeping polite etiquette) … And I don’t want your pity.”

But she also leaves room for many others to have their own interpretation. Particularly, when she sings “I’ve been big and small and big and small … and still nobody wants me,” I interpreted as how no one cares in spite of success and failure I have. In an interview with Genius on YouTube, Mitski actually explains that it is about how her body size has been changing from big to small to big and still no one wants her. She chose words that are simple but flexible to help the audience (like me) to make interpretations to incorporate her song with personal experiences.

If you read just the lyrics of “Nobody” by Mitski and imagine a rancorous 5th grader steaming about how no one would like to play with her, you can easily get a picture of someone that you would want to run away from as soon as possible. The key reason why “Nobody” is so alluring in spite of its raw message is that her voice, which is soothing, delicious, and unapologetic, compels your imaginations to take it to even a higher dimension of interpretation.

Listening to her voice, you can picture a woman (not a girl) who has matured through survivorship in life that we go through as an adult. Yet her grown voice now childishly seeks a genuine human touch — a touch that we all secretly crave, living a busy life. Listening to her sing “An I know no one will save me I just need someone to … give me one good honest kiss” — all invisible walls of secrecies and lies between strangers are gone. From a soul to soul, it’s howling for an honest human touch.

One of the reasons why “Nobody” is approachable in spite of handling a touchy subject as loneliness is because Mitski understands that the world we live in is not so kind one. Mitski explains in her interview with Genius that “pity” is an emotion you have for someone who’s lower than you. We live in a world where we look upon loneliness as a weakness. A psychological debility that needs to be fixed with therapy and whatnot. But Mitski also understands that the world does not tolerate someone who demands love too much. “Venus, the planet of love was destroyed by global warming. Did its people want too much too?” is a statement that nails in the head.

By repeating the word “nobody” over and over, she plays with her own despair of having become an unlikeable person. It feels as though you are watching a Muk-Bang, a video where you indirectly feel happy by watching someone eating a food deliciously; you feel liberated from the fear of loneliness by declaring that nobody will want you.

Mitski, with her alluring voice, simple and courageous lyrics, and gracefully crafted song that reveals her matured character invites her listeners for the journey with despair and desire for love. Her raw emotion and sophisticated exposition of meanings even help listeners relish their own loneliness with a style.

She is not a defeated — no, she is a fighter, grappling with her own desperation and loneliness with dignity and tenacity. Within gracious ups and turns of her voice, she weaves an articulate invitation to a dance party. To whom? To a society who is damn too quiet for our solitude.

 

…

Lastly, I’d like to end this commentary (haha ok) with a personal note. Listening to Mitski’s “Nobody” for the first time in that dark empty room, I realized I just met a woman who has the same soul like mine. I thanked her for her honesty, because oh, I would not have said it straight-faced to anyone. Her graciousness, her honesty, her sophistication, and her diligence in making this message pass through to the world made this song stand out among the others. I look forward to her next project and I hope to be a small droplet of rain that can flow with her own journey.

Hmm, for just those who are interested, more personal story is here. Just before I discovered (although she’s been famous since a long time ago already) Mitski’s “Nobody”, I’ve had an especially hard time at work, strained relationships with my friends and my family, and from women whom I’ve grown to like a lot. All of this happened in a single day. All meaning in life seemed to have dissipated away. Although I was still moving forward in my life, it was getting tiresome handling bitterness, loneliness, and meaninglessness.

But I was not honest with my own feelings until the night I listened to Mistki’s “Nobody”. Her song was like a lightening shock to my heart and brain, making me realize that I am actually pleading for love, attention, and acknowledgment. I am don’t know how to express this and I am not good at expressing it, and I am fearful of what others will think of me if I do so, that I just pretend that it does not matter to me at all.

The world demands me to be useful and in order to become powerful enough to stand up as a functional human being and socialize with others, I need to accomplish things. Her song was a place to acknowledge where my problems stem from and play with it. Now, I feel rather confident to face the world. I will be alive tomorrow even if the whole world does not like me. That gives me the freedom to be audacious to dream. Dream to meet someone whom I can connect with.

photo credit: YouTube via Google

Please feel free to leave a comment below for how I can improve my writing! I have just started writing blogs and I would appreciate any kind of feedback! Thank you! 🙂

[sitp-recs]

Thanks so much for the tag, I LOVED this idea for a DBC rec-in! Considering that my 2022 resolution was conveniently about not setting any strict rules whatsoever I think I’m doing pretty well at doing absolutely nothing so far 😂 I decided to do this in topics and would love to see other’s thoughts, whoever feels like joining just @ me and share yours!

🍀 my main goal this year is to read more without feeling any obligation to rec, and I’m definitely getting better at it. I only did single recs and reclists when inspiration hit, and for once I’m not trying to follow a schedule. I’m rather following the mood and finding other ways to rec things I’ve enjoyed when I don’t feel like writing recs (thanks @the-starryknight for your amazing TLC Tuesdays!). I’m also learning that it’s okay to change my mind and take a step back. For example, I’ve reread Dwelling recently and initially felt compelled to write a rec, but after 2 frustrating drafts I realized it wasn’t going to happen and told myself “it’s ok, you don’t have a moral obligation just because it’s a favorite fic.” And that’s a liberating thought!

🍀 I have plans to read more rare pairs and leave more comments in general, these are still in progress. I’ve been reading microfics way more often (🎉) but I’d love to invest more time in rare pairs so if anyone has recs - especially short femlash fics - please send them my way!

🍀 I also really wanna be present for my friends and I’m not sure I’m doing a stellar job so far (then maybe I am, as I’ve been recently accused of only reccing friends?? which you know… goals 😂) but in the meantime here’s a special shoutout to @the-sinking-ship and @pennygalleon for letting me scream nonsense into their DMs, it’s been really nice to get to know you guys better! Btw if you haven’t checked Take These Lies and On Target yet what are you even doing with your life

🍀 self-reccing time! I haven’t done much so far but I’m pleased with how that celebration week of open endings recs (which I now realize lacks a proper link!) went. The idea hit me out of the blue and since I didn’t have time to plan it I let it happen in a more or less organic way: if I didn’t have time to rec, I’d self-reblog instead. It was a nice way to highlight both old and new fics, and to celebrate a few of my older recs which had an old format but the same level of emotion. I’m learning how to love them again, I guess!

🍀 as for works that have inspired me lately you can bet I’m reccing my friends because they’re fucking awesome and I’m proud of them, sue me anon! Both @tackytigerfic and @the-starryknight have a lot on their plate right now yet they still find the time to write these precious, tender and inspiring masterpieces in short format, it never fails to amaze me. Tacky’s Far Side continues to hammer family feels right into my fragile heart with the gentlest dad!Draco and a devoted Harry’s who’s so in love with him I can barely breathe. And what to say about Starry’s amazing microfic project?? They craft a rich, delicate and all-encompassing universe for each one-word prompt with only 50 words, full of poetry, longing, decadent want and intense emotion. I’m obsessed with those treats, the best way to start my days!

One month ago, people within our community were sharing their New Year Resolutions about fandom. Many people wanted to write and create for the pure pleasure of it, the pure joy. They wanted to create without any stress about what the thought they “should” be doing or creating, and without any real or implied deadlines. Others wanted to read more content that others produce, not because they were expected to read it but because the work was something they were interested in. Even more wanted to become more engaged in the fandom space, and to focus on building relationships with people who support them, challenge them, and remind them of why this community matters. 

How have those resolutions been going?

As the first month of 2022 comes to a close, let’s reflect on our goals for this year. Have you made steps to accomplish your fandom resolutions? Have you created something that you’d like to share? Have you read or seen someone else’s work that has inspired your own goals and creativity? Or have you even just formed a new friendship with someone that you’d like to send some love to?

Rec a fic, some art, a podfic, or simply a person. Whatever you’d like! What is your January 2022 Rec-In?

Let’s get this Fandom BOOST going! @orange-peony @peachpety @wheezykat @vukovich @phd-mama @sitp-recs @the-starryknight @magicaltrans @dewitty1 @teacup-tai @gnarf @written-in-ash @m0srael @onbeinganangel @bronwenackeley @ihopeyoubothstaysafefromharm @babooshkart @writcraft @phenomenalasterisk @greenmegsnoham @calypsotempete @mystickitten42 @drarrily-we-row-along

[poipoi1912]

Carisi-centric thoughts on Ep 19x06

I’m here! So sorry for posting this late, this week got away from me!

(also, I’ve spent quite a bit of time writing my 19x06 episode tag, because I gotta strike while the iron’s hot! :D)

(also also, I’ll reply to your comments and asks tomorrow because I’m wiped out and I need to sleep! I’m so so sorry, I remain the worst when it comes to time management)

Overall Thoughts

This episode was very promising, with a relatively fresh case, but the execution was somewhat choppy. It started off well, with that tour of the rehab facility that was clearly too good to be true, but in a wonderfully unsettling way, as opposed to an obvious SVU way (if that makes sense), and all the solid guest stars really gave life to the stilted lines.

I was also very pleasantly surprised by the insurance angle, because it was an interesting twist on the usual motive. Instead of a perverted sicko who exploits young girls, we had a money-hungry monster who both exploited young girls and knew how to game the system. Plus, we also got a different kind of abuse of special victims which wasn’t exclusively physical/sexual.

But then the case was resolved via murder. Poetic justice, one might say, but I would call it “a cop-out, the one time Barba would have something fun to do in court”. Mentioning the RICO charges and the Romeo & Juliet laws vis-à-vis coersion was almost annoying. Why bring up multiple interesting legal topics and then do nothing with any of them?

That said, I liked the episode overall. I wish the case had been better explored, and it did get a little too convoluted by the end, but it was different enough that it kept my interest.

The Rolivia Corner

I love their new dynamic. I don’t love how Amanda’s new job is to constantly trail after Liv and ask “are you okay?” (at least not without Liv reciprocating, once in a while), but I love this new trust between them. In the previous seasons, if Amanda pulled a stunt like this, Liv would be like “next time I’ll have your badge”. This time, Liv was more appropriately mad as a superior, but she didn’t hold it against Amanda. But I did laugh when they made it seem like Liv just invented the concept of “inevitable discovery” to legitimize evidence which was illegally gathered. Like we haven’t seen this on every other procedural ever (including SVU itself).

But seriously, I do love seeing Liv confiding in a friend. That said, “addicted pregnant woman” is a subject which could have also resonated with Amanda. She was a gambling addict and she got pregnant and she turned her life around. Is Amanda even still a mother? I mean, as Liv and Amanda bond, maybe they could also talk about Jesse (or Queen Kim!), not just Noah and Liv’s issues with the new grandmother.

Sonny and Continuity

Sonny’s still Catholic! Jesus yay! And he still looks amazing in blue!

The Barisi Corner

I will never not love watching Barba tease Sonny. There’s a hilarious resignation there, almost like Barba feels compelled to do it, because it's their thing. And we also got Classic Carisi, looking up to Barba and idolizing him and thinking Barba can pull a rabbit out of his hat.

That said, and as funny as “what are you, a bat?” was (AN INSTANT CLASSIC, AND A WORTHY ADDITION TO THE BARISI HALL OF FAME, RIGHT NEXT TO ‘BOOYAH, FORDHAM LAW’ AND OMG I LOVe them ok I’ll stop), I don’t know if that moment was a nod to continuity, or if it was just the writers not knowing how to advance the Barisi relationship and going back to the basics.

Then again, the basics are pretty fun :D

Either way, I'm glad were getting the classic "Barba and Carisi have a special relationship" dynamic again. Barba doesn't tease anybody else, and Sonny doesn't kiss anybody else's ass. That’s something they share, something that’s unique to their relationship. Barba has moved on from being the snarky sidekick, maturing to a more mellow individual, except when it comes to teasing Sonny like he’s doing a standup routine, looking for the next joke. And Sonny has moved on from being the green rookie, maturing to a more confident individual, except when it comes to kissing Barba’s ass like he’s still an eager law student, bringing his professor an apple. That’s the one thing that hasn’t changed about them, even as everything else has.

Also, on a meta level, I always felt the Barba/Carisi (platonic) interactions have significantly stood out from all the other dynamics on SVU, just because of the broader humor and their natural rapport. Sonny is more developed, so he has relatively well-drawn individual relationships with pretty much all the other characters, but Barba doesn’t have that with any other character except Liv. The Barba/Carisi dynamic allows us to see a different side to Barba, and Sonny specifically is the reason. That's the only time Barba is allowed to be fun, when he's with Sonny or talking about Sonny. I think we need to see that, as viewers, as opposed to just watching a sweet, sad, supportive Barba in BFF mode, weeping as Liv talks about her problems.

Sonny is the only character who brings out Barba’s sass well-naturedly (well he and Rita who’s Rita?). Usually Barba directs his sass at the perps or the defense attorneys, and there’s a bite there. But when Barba teases Sonny, there’s a fondness there, and that’s sweet to watch.

Also, as always, Peter and Raul are hilarious, individually and together, and every single of their interactions is gold. Sonny’s “what?” face was the highlight of the entire episode.*

Also I’m sorRY BUT BARBA CRACKING HIMSELF UP? WHEN JOKING ABOUT SONNY? ALL “GIVE CARISI SOME TIME OFF TO WRITE AN ARTICLE! AHAHAHA”? LIKE, IT WASN’T THAT FUNNY, SIS! No but that chuckle ended me. When is the last time we heard Barba laugh? NEVER, THAT’S WHEN.

Stray Thoughts

Lux? Are the SVU writers watching Lucifer, like I am? Can they look for some pointers on how to write a good show? :D

Must Liv be physically present at every crime scene? Even when it’s not even the primary crime scene, and it’s just a dead body somebody ditched randomly? Why use that contrivance to have her leave Noah in the middle of the night? Liv, girl, you’re a Lieutenant! That’s exactly the sort of stuff you’re supposed to leave behind when you get promoted!

I liked the Narcotics guy. He had flair. And I also liked his rapport with Fin. I kinda wished we were watching that show. Fin working Narcotics with this dude who had an actual personality, busting perps on the street. That scene, and the scene where they caught the first dealer, they sparked (because of Fin). The rest… not so much.

Brooke Shields and Mariska Hargitay are both so gorgeous and compelling. I wish their scenes were less tedious, because they’re actually doing some nice acting.

Sonny’s face after Liv’s “I’m the bitch” speech? Same.

I was that girl asking Sonny “where do you live, in a hole?” Like, for all we know, that’s exactly where Sonny lives.

Did that social worker say “the software’s a little glitchy” and then go on to smack the mouse against the desk? I love SVU.

Liv: “Was someone else raped?

Amanda: “Do the insurance companies count?”

me: fuck no

*wait I lied. Best part of the entire episode was Ice-T hearing the rehab guy’s bullshit and saying “That’s beautiful!”

[hyperion-moonbabe-art3mis]

Caught In Between 15. Flutters

Summary: Athena Dumont has finally found a place to call home after many years of foster homes and traveling. She had finally tamed her supernatural side and just wanted to live a normal teenage life. She quickly discovers that there is nothing normal about her hometown, Mystic Falls and gets sucked right back into the supernatural world.

Post Date: 08.25.20

Word count: 2.8k

Based off: 03x08 “Ordinary People” | 03x09 “Homecoming”

Masterlist

CIB Masterlist

After spending the day taking care of myself and doing errands around the town I make my way to the Salvatore house. I walk in to find Rebekah and Elena in a fight.

“Klaus killed your mother. He has a hold on you, on me, on everyone. He has for a thousand years. We have to make it stop,” Elena yells.

“Shut up! Just Shut up! Don’t talk anymore! Nothing!” Rebekah yells back pushing Elena against the wall.

“Rebekah!” I yell making my way to them but she holds me by my neck as well. After a few moments, she lets go of both of us and backs up, starting to cry and falling to the ground.

“Just go, Elena,” I say, wanting to keep her from harm. Elena quickly leaves the room as I try to go and comfort Rebekah and try to get her on my side.

“Are you okay?” I ask her as I kneel next to her.

“No, I’m not! Elena just told me my brother killed my mother,” she says sobbing.

“Hey, hey it’s ok. We’re gonna figure this out. We’ll get Mikael out of your life and then Klaus out of ours,” I tell her.

“What do you know about family? You’re the one to talk about taking Klaus out! You loved him and he made you a hybrid, I highly doubt you really want to take Klaus out!” Rebekah rants.

“You’re right. I don’t know anything about family. My parents were murdered when I was still a kid. I never had a place to call home, people to call a family. But I met a pack that helped me through my transitions and had people to call family. But Klaus, he broke any chance of reconnecting with me when he killed them on his hunt for hybrids. I can never forgive him for killing my family,” I tell her.

“So you really want to take Klaus out?” She asks calming down.

“Truly. I will help in any way to take him out. I will stick by your side and the others in your revenge,” I tell her.

“That means a lot,” She says as she seems to finally calm down completely.

After helping Rebekah get ahold of herself, I head upstairs and sleep for the night. The next morning I head downstairs and into the library where Stefan, Damon, and Elena are talking about a plan to lure Klaus back here.

“Ok. Fine. We vervained him. And in the process discovered that he had a dagger,” Stefan says as I make my way in.

“Which he planned to use on Rebekah. But instead--” Elena starts.

“We drove it through his heart,” I say making my presence known.

“And what happens when he asks to see Mikael’s body?” Elena asks.

“Good point. You, my brother, have been compelled to do what Klaus says. And you Athena, have been sired to Klaus. So the idea is to lure him back here and kill him, the last thing we need is you two getting tripped up and tongue-tied,” Damon states.

“For the last time. I’m with you guys. I want to take Klaus down,” I respond.

“Well, don’t look at me. I’m just in charge of getting him back here,” Stefan states.

“Klaus is smart. If we tell him that Mikael’s dead, he’ll want proof,” I say.

“Then I shall be dead,” Mikael says entering the room with a dagger and white oak ash in hand. Elena and Stefan make their way over to him as Damon and I stay behind the banister.

“What if he wants to see you in person?” Elena questions.

“Well, it means our plan is working. Klaus will absolutely want to see my body. You lure him here, and I will kill him,” Mikael responds back.

“With what? Those daggers won’t work on him,” Stefan questions clearly in doubt of Mikael’s plan.

“Well, I’m in possession of a stake fashioned from the wood of the ancient White Oak Tree. The one that left these ashes when it burned,” Mikael explains picking up the glass jar of the ashes.

“Where is it?” I question.

“Not here. Knowing its location is my insurance policy,” Mikael explains showing that he doesn’t fully trust us.

“Against what?” Stefan asks.

“You leaving this in my heart,” Mikeal responds, holding the dagger up. “You see, a vampire can’t dagger an original without dying. So...it falls to you,” Mikael explains holding the dagger out to Elena.

“You want me to actually dagger you?” Elena asks, taking it from Mikael’s hand.

“Klaus will leave nothing to chance. Especially when it comes to trust,” Mikael responds.

Elena then takes the dagger and plunges it through Mikael’s chest.  The next step was for Stefan to make the call. As we all waited around, Stefan was speaking to what sounded like a heated Klaus about Mikael being daggered. Klaus had tested Stefan since he was compelled by asking if Mikael being daggered was true. Luckily our plan of having Mikael actually daggered worked as we didn’t need for Stefan to expose our intentions. Stefan then hands the phone to Rebekah, so she could confirm that Mikael was really daggered. Thankfully she was on our side and confirmed it for us.

“Is Athena there. I’d love to speak to her,” I hear Klaus say over the phone. I shake my head not wanting to speak to him.

“She’s not here right now,” Rebekah responds knowing I was not up for speaking to him. “I miss you. I’m miserable here,” Rebekah says.

“I’ll be home soon,” Klaus says over the phone.

“Good. I’ll see you then, brother,” Rebekah says before hanging the phone up.

“He bought it. He’s coming home,” Rebekah says handing the phone back to Stefan and walking away. I follow her, noticing her slight upset.

“Hey, you ok?” I ask catching up to her.

“I’m fine. I just hate to backstab my brother. But if what Elena said is true then, he deserves it,” She responds as we continue to walk down the hallway.

“He does deserve it. He’s hurt so many people I love and lied to your face for 1,000 years. We need to take him down before he can hurt any more people we love,” I tell her.

“Yeah,” She says quietly before I let her walk off on her own. 

The next morning I wake up to hearing the Salvatore brothers and Elena in Damon’s room chatting it up. “Ugh, please tell me that you have a better plan than wolfsbane grenades,” I hear Stefan say as I walk near Damon’s bathroom.

“Never you mind, brother. The less you know, the better,” Damon responds.

“Are we pre-gaming in here? Because I am not pre-gaming with wolfsbane, I’d rather not die today,” I say, but no one seems to care about my comment.

“My freedom from Klaus rests entirely upon you two executing your plan perfectly. So, excuse me if I’m a bit cynical,” Stefan says before walking past me leaning on the wall. 

“What about me?” I ask.

“We have to be careful with you. You two are the ones that we should be worried about. Stefan, if Klaus asks you one wrong question, whole thing falls apart. And Athena, you’re sired and Klaus’ past lover. We can’t risk you giving us away,” Elena explains.

“Oh, I completely understand. But I’d love to help any way I can,” I tell her as she nods.

“You do have reason to worry. But if I look back at our history of epic plan failures, it's usually because one of us let our humanity get in the way. So if I’m taking odds on how this thing goes down, it’s certainly not gonna be me who screws it up. I’ll see you at homecoming. I can’t wait,” Stefan says before walking off.

“Ugh, if we didn’t care for Stefan. I would gladly kill him for being a monumental jackass,” I say a few minutes after he leaves the room.

“I’m with you on that one,” Damon agrees.

“Alright, while you perfect your plan. I need to go last minute dress shopping for the dance,” I say before leaving the room.

I head to the town and into a dress shop. After a few hours of looking, I found the perfect blue and white dress. I head to the Mystic Grill to grab a bite. 

“Hey, you ready for Homecoming tonight?” Matt asks as he comes up to serve me.

“Just went last-minute shopping. So I guess so,” I respond.

“Well, hopefully, nothing terrible goes down. Ready to order?” He asks.

“Hopefully. I’ll have the uh mystic burger,” I say and hand him the menu.

As I wait for my food, I get a call from Elena. “What’s up?” I ask answering the phone.

“So the gym flooded. Homecoming is moving to Tyler’s house,” She explains.

“Alright. Unusual but thanks for letting me know. I’m at the Grill. I’ll let Matt know,” I tell her.

“Cool. Caroline is still making me go,” She says.

“Typical,” I chuckle. “I’ll be home in an hour. See you then,” I say.

“See you in a bit,” Elena responds and I hang the phone up.

“Homecoming is moving to Tyler’s house. The gym flooded,” I explain to Matt as he brings me my burger.

“Sounds a bit suspicious but thanks for letting me know,” He says.

After I finish my burger I head back to the Salvatore house and get ready for the dance. I finish getting dressed I hear a knock on my door and head over to open it.

“Wow, you look great,” Damon said as I open the door.

“Uh, thanks. What’s up?” I ask.

“Oh uh. I thought I’d let you know that Elena daggered Rebekah. We don’t need her running around and switching sides,” Damon explained nonchalantly.

“You know she’s never gonna forgive you guys for that right?” I say.

“Well like I said we don’t need her running around. It was for good precaution,” Damon says back.

“Hey, you guys ready?” Stefan asks walking up to us before I could respond.

“Yeh,” I say walking out of my room. We head to Tyler’s house. As we arrive there are way more people than are at my school and a band. I question how Tyler set this up so quickly.

Damon and Elena wanted me to stay with Stefan, I guess they want me to keep an eye on him. We make our way into the back where there is a crowd watching the band. 

“Hey, Stefan. Athena. What’s up?” Tyler asks with a box of beer in hand.

“Hey, Tyler. Nice party you got going on here,” Stefan responds.

“Thanks, but I’m not the one throwing it. I’m just doing what Klaus wants,” Tyler explains as Stefan and I look at him confused.

“What do you mean?” I question.

“It’s not a party. It’s a wake,” Tyler explains.

“Good evening everyone!” We hear Klaus’ voice over the speakers. I look up to find him standing on the stage. “I want to thank you all for being here with me to celebrate. It’s been a long time coming,” Klaus says as he catches Stefan and me in the crowd.

After Klaus’ little speech he makes his way over to Stefan and me. “Athena, my love. You look amazing tonight,” Klaus says brushing my cheek. 

“I’m gonna go get a drink,” I say and walk off. As I head to grab a drink I bump into Caroline.

“Klaus is here,” She says with urgency.

“Yeah, I know,” I respond.

“We gotta go tell Elena,” She says rushing off to go find her. I follow her until we find Elena and Matt at the entrance.

“Hey, Klaus is here,” She whispers.

“What?” Matt questions.

“Yeah, apparently out sired hybrid friend Tyler thought it’d be ok to let his “master” throw a party. Unless you said anything to Klaus, Athena,” Caroline says.

“I haven’t talked to him since he snapped my neck and left me here. I don’t want anything to do with him,” I quickly respond.

“Well, I expected more surprise,” Caroline says concerned about Elena’s look on her face.

“I’ve learned not to be surprised by anything Klaus does. I’m going to find Bonnie,” Elena says not giving away the plan and walking away.

“I’ll help you,” I say walking off with her. We grab some drinks before we make our way into the back.

“So, you really haven’t felt any tendencies towards Klaus?” Elena asks me as she notices Stefan and Klaus talking. 

“I haven’t. Either my current feelings towards him are too strong for the sire bond or I wasn’t sired. But like I told Damon, I will tell you guys if I do,” I explain.

“I trust you. I just hope you understand that we need to be careful with what we say around you,” Elena says.

“I get it, my past feelings could make the sire bond stronger if I am sired. But I mean, it seems that we need to be more careful with Stefan and Tyler,” I say back.

“Yeah,” She sighs. We head back to another area to watch the band.

The next thing we know, Klaus is sauntering up to us. “Where’s your date?” He asks Elena.

“Getting me a drink,” Elena says not shifter her eyes from the band. Klaus tries to offer her his but she doesn’t move a muscle.

“Well...seems I have you to thank for Mikael’s demise,” Klaus says.

“He came at me. I didn’t have a choice,” Elena explains.

“Still I’m impressed. It’s not easy for a human to dagger an original,” Klaus says.

“It wasn’t the first time,” Elena responds.

“Right, Elijah,” Klaus says and then looks over the hill were on. “You seem nervous,” He says catching onto Elena’s cautiousness.

“I’m not nervous. I just don’t like you,” Elena explains.

“Right. Straight to the point then, shall I, love? People have been after me for 1,000 years and I am always one step ahead. So whatever it is you’re thinking of trying, go for it, give it your best shot. You won’t succeed,” Klaus says.

“I’d rather try, than give up,” I sneer.

“Elena, could you give me a moment with Athena?” Klaus asks. I notice Elena is hesitant to leave but I nod, telling her I’ll be ok.

“What do you want?” I ask after Elena is far enough away.

“I just want to know how you’re doing. How the hybrid life is treating you,” He says as he brushes a loose hair behind my ear.

“Drop the act, Klaus,” I shake my head and roll my eyes. “You killed my family and you’re hurting the people I care about. I can’t forgive you for that, you of all people should understand that. I feel nothing for you, but resentment,” I tell him.

“It’s not an act sweetheart. I still love you. And no matter how far you push it, I know deep down, you still love me,” Klaus says softly brushing his hand along my cheek. I shake my head and start to walk away but he catches me by the wrist, but I don’t turn around.

“You know you do, mon petit tournesol. You just have to open up and accept it. I know you’re strong, but the longer you try to fight it and the sire bond, the harder it is to resist,” He whispers in my ear. My stomach flutters as his nickname for me, but I quickly walk away and pull myself out of his grasp.

I head back into the party and find Damon walking around. “Hey, are you guys ready. We should get a move on with the plan,” I say to him.

“Yeh, Mikael is outside and we’ve got every problematic person out of the way. Well, with the exception of you,” Damon explains.

“Ok, I’m gonna stay head back to the house, just in case,” I say.

“Are you ok? You seem flustered,” Damon points out.

“I’m sired, Damon. I’m trying to fight it as hard as I can, but Klaus just told me the more I do, the harder it becomes. And he’s right Damon. You guys need to keep me out of your plans. I--I can’t risk it. You guys mean too much to me for me to betray you and become one of Klaus’ little slaves. I’d rather be out of the loop if this bond takes over,” I explain.

“I know you can fight this, ok? You’re one of the strongest people I’ve met. Just keep yourself away and we’ll figure this out later,” He says before rushing off.

I make my way back to the house and spend some time trying to gather my thoughts about what Klaus said. Klaus wasn’t wrong, the sire bond was becoming harder to fight and it was bringing up some very unwanted past feelings for him. 

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this part! BTW “mon petit tournesol” means my “my little sunflower” in French.  I’m skipping the next few episodes again because they’re just fillers.

🏷: @tristanacarry​ | @commentaryfanfic​ | @april-14-blog​ |  @simonsbluee​ | @awkwardspontaneity​ | @keiko0​

[helenofsimblr]

Unusual Asks? ANSWERED!

1.       Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? 

Spotify.

2.       is your room messy or clean?

Um… messy…

3.       what color are your eyes?

Blue

4.       do you like your name? why?

I like it because I feel it suits me. I look and feel like a Helen

5.       what is your relationship status? 

Marriaged!

6.       describe your personality in 3 words or less

Forceful, pleasant, jovial

7.       what color hair do you have?

Blonde

8.       what kind of car do you drive? color?

A crapbox, that is red

9.       where do you shop?

At a shop, or on the internet.

10.   how would you describe your style?

Non-existent mostly.

11.   favorite social media account

Social media bugs me greatly. But I do like Tumblr.

12.   what size bed do you have?

The biggest I can get because I am massive

13.   any siblings?

Yes two.

14.   if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

Probably Australia because its warm and they have some great proper 4x4’s there.

15.   favorite snapchat filter? 

Geofilter I think

16.   favorite makeup brand(s)

Max factor

17.   how many times a week do you shower?

7 at least.

18.   favorite tv show?

Game of Thrones

19.   shoe size?

12 (13 in US size) I have Acromegaly.

20.   how tall are you?

6 foot 7 (I had Acromegaly as a child, aka… Gigantism.)

21.   sandals or sneakers? 

Sneakers because I really don’t like people seeing my huge feet.

22.   do you go to the gym? 

4 times a week.

23.   describe your dream date

Going to a great film followed up by bowling and possibly a nightcap.

24.   how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

I have a purse not a wallet.

25.   what color socks are you wearing? 

Black

26.   how many pillows do you sleep with?

Just one

27.   do you have a job? what do you do? 

Im a mathematician and I work on complex theoretical and algebraic problems at university level.

28.   how many friends do you have? 

4 or 5 really good ones.

29.   whats the worst thing you have ever done? 

Lied over money

30.   whats your favorite candle scent? 

Vanilla

31.   3 favorite boy names

Kane, Gregory, and Hugo.

32.   3 favorite girl names

Penelope, Marie, and Elaine.

33.   favorite actor? 

Samuel L Jackson motherf****r!

34.   favorite actress? 

Melissa McCarthy.

35.   who is your celebrity crush?

Mark Ruffalo.

36.   favorite movie? 

This changes, literally weekly….

37.   do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? 

I don’t read enough. 1984 by George Orwell is probably one of my all time faves.

38.   money or brains? 

Brains, as you can use brains to earn money.

39.   do you have a nickname? what is it? 

“Giganta.”

40.   how many times have you been to the hospital?

Lost count! I have a season ticket almost for my pituitary check ups.

41.   top 10 favorite songs

I get around – beach boys.

Iris – Goo Goo Dolls

What makes you beautiful – One direction

Right round – Flo Rida

Keep on loving you – Reo Speedwagon.

Manicure – Lady Gaga

Broadway – Goo goo dolls again.

Pray To God – Haim

Duel of the Fates – John Williams (not a song, but… meh its good!)

Oh Boy! – Buddy Holly

42.   do you take any medications daily? 

Yes, anti-growth hormone tabs!

I used to take medication for Ulcerative Colitis.

43.   what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

Bit oily, due to the Acromegaly again.

44.   what is your biggest fear? 

Not going to answer this one. I don’t even want to see it in print.

45.   how many kids do you want? 

Three

46.   whats your go to hair style?

Just down usually

47.   what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) 

Medium sized, not too big not too small. Nice garden and a place to park the car

48.   who is your role model? 

Don’t have one these days, role models tend to let you down.

49.   what was the last compliment you received?

I was told that I did very good work just a few hours ago.

50.   what was the last text you sent?

“The drive in the chevy was interesting, love you xx”

51.   how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

About 5.

52.   what is your dream car? 

Range Rover Sport with supercharged V8 510HP engine.

53.   opinion on smoking?

I used to think poorly of it! I started smoking 3 years ago when I was 27 ish… I don’t smoke much, maybe just 3 to 5 cigs a day on average, some days I don’t smoke at all, other days, as much as 8 or 9.

54.   do you go to college? 

I work at one!

55.   what is your dream job? 

Am currently doing it!

56.   would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? 

Suburbs, I need decent broadband.

57.   do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? 

Not intentionally, but sometimes in a packing frenzy, you know how it is everything gets chucked in.

58.   do you have freckles? 

No.

59.   do you smile for pictures?

I do yes, not sure if smiling makes me look better or not.

60.   how many pictures do you have on your phone? 

About 80, had a deletion fest the other day!

61.   have you ever peed in the woods? 

I have.

62.   do you still watch cartoons? 

I do!!

63.   do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

Yuck. I would rather eat a box of mud.

64.   Favorite dipping sauce?

Mayo! 

65.   what do you wear to bed? 

PJ’s in winter, a nightie in summer.

66.   have you ever won a spelling bee?

Im afraid not.

67.    what are your hobbies?

I like playing video games, I am a keen cook and love to cook and create new dishes. I am a bit of a car buff so I like to do that as well.

68.   can you draw? 

Stickmen count as drawing right?

69.   do you play an instrument?

I don’t sadly.

70.   what was the last concert you saw? 

I avoid going to them as I hate crowds.

71.   tea or coffee?

Coffee

72.   Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Starbucks

73.   do you want to get married?

Already am

74.   what is your crush’s first and last initial?

Don’t have a crush, am married.

75.   are you going to change your last name when you get married? 

I did

76.   what color looks best on you? 

Black is good on me, so is blue I do look ok in blue

77.   do you miss anyone right now? 

Not right now.

78.   do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Open

79.   do you believe in ghosts?

For somebody who deals with facts and figures I struggle a lot with belief as such, but yeah, I do believe in spirits and ghosts and such. Throughout history there is a lot of compelling evidence for their existence.

80.   what is your biggest pet peeve? 

Anti-smoking comments. I get a LOT of these being a late starter and it annoys the heck out of me. Especially as it was desperation for relief from ulcerative colitis that led me to start!

81.   last person you called`

My boss

82.   favorite ice cream flavor? 

Vanilla

83.   regular oreos or golden oreos? 

Regular

84.   chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? 

Rainbow, I love lots of colour.

85.   what shirt are you wearing?

Not wearing a shirt. 

86.   what is your phone background?

Just a random picture that changes everyday, might be a picture of my hub, or maybe a picture of us on holiday, changes constantly.

87.   are you outgoing or shy?

Id say outgoing.

88.   do you like it when people play with your hair?

Sometimes yes.

89.   do you like your neighbors? 

Mostly, but we can get a lot of noise sometimes.

90.   do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

At night.

91.   have you ever been high? 

I can honestly say I have not.

92.   have you ever been drunk? 

Many many many times.

93.   last thing you ate? 

Chocolate.

94.   favorite lyrics right now

Can’t think of any.

95.   summer or winter? 

Summer

96.   day or night? 

Day

97.   dark, milk, or white chocolate? 

White chocolate.

98.   favorite month? 

July

99.   what is your zodiac sign

Leo

100.  who was the last person you cried in front of? 

Other half.

[adelaidecity]

Mark Aiston's powerful rehabilitation message

Marks honest, raw interview with The Advertiser in 2017 Media personality Mark Aiston has revealed the reasons he will undergo rehabilitation in a Melbourne clinic for personal addictions in a compelling video. In a post to his Facebook page, the former TV presenter with ABC and Network Ten, and radio host on Triple M, Mix 102.3 and FIVEaa, said he had taken this path because addictions with gambling and alcohol had destroyed my life. The veteran broadcaster said he will attend a Hader Health Clinic, specialising in personal addiction, in the Victorian capital for 10 weeks but wouldnt tell anyone he was cured when he came out. Its a lifelong journey, the 59-year-old says in the video recorded while he drives around the streets of Adelaide with his dog Jack in the back of a convertible. Ive been doing these silly things since I was 14. Ive felt a fraud and worthless and havent been completely honest with myself. You lie to a lot of people you love and its time to stop the lies.

media_cameraMark Aiston, Jane Reilly and David Penberthy FIVEaa Breakfast Show 2014 Aiston, who wants to be an advocate for mental health awareness, said he was feeling both excited and scared about entering rehabilitation. He said he feels he still has a lot to offer in life. He is not ashamed to seek help but is sorry his addictions and behaviour had affected many people including my former wife and daughter. I feel it is a brave move but one I do not want to be ashamed of and neither should you if you follow in my path, he added. How and why its come to this is irrelevant its just where Im at. Addictions have destroyed my life and upset a lot of people and it has to stop. My life has been so rich in so many ways yet so destructive as well. And not just self-destructive, my lifestyle and addictions have affected many, including my former wife and daughter. And for that I am truly sorry.

media_camera As an ABC sports commentator in 1987. One of South Australias most recognisable faces and voices for more than three decades, Aiston told The Advertiser in 2017 he had hidden behind an invisible mask for much of his long and successful media career. The former sports broadcaster, a regular of the Ten Networks Melbourne Cup coverage, has received support on his Facebook page and from former colleagues, including dual Melbourne Cup-winning jockey, John Letts. I wish him well, the winning rider of the 1972 and 1980 Melbourne Cups said. It takes a lot of courage to face your demons. Aiston said he would be creating a weekly blog to record his journey. I will be documenting the next three months of my life, not for people to feel sorry for me or to make money from or to impress, but simply to show what is possible when you put your head down to break the grip of addiction. You dont need to suffer alone. If you need help, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636

R U OK? Day is for starting conversations about mental health, but what do you do if someone says "No"? Here are some tips to help you have those difficult conversations about depression or suicide.

Mental health: How to talk about it with someone who needs help https://www.adelaidenow.com.au/messenger/mark-aistons-powerful-rehabilitation-message-about-overcoming-addictions/news-story/6d527162077e04698121178f71a28d94?from=htc_rss

[opalmothnightingale]

5- 29- 18 - Building the connection to astral or the forest love, book love, hinted love, or whatever,...  Building that in a healthy fashion, ...  Will write more about this,...  Tonight, maybe,...  Here, maybe,...  Sleep eludes.  

Well, ok, to start, I will just list ideas that visit me, as I sit here, with my mind and stuff like an open door,...  So,..  First, well, mental, emotional, psychological distance, cool, detachment, and time apart is needed.  Especially if there is a hinted person who is a real living person.  But otherwise, yes, I can still become wishful, yearning, caught in the wish to make it be real and in the physical world in my life, soon if not right now.  To know more, to have more, more connection, more conversation, more knowing them, more closeness, more love, harmony, help, and giving.  There is a tendency to want to merge, dissolve, offer myself like a sacrifice to them, and have them do the same.  Give myself to you, you give yourself to me, I belong to you and you belong to me,...  We complete each other, ...  And I think that I try to make it all blend with who we are, as though we are able to be these sacrifices to one another, even if we’re actually just ourselves, so we can’t just be and do whatever the other wants.  Ultimately I think I can feel lost and absorbed into the other, and it’s not really a healthy mentality to want to give myself away so much and do whatever the other wants, even though in reality I don’t even want to but to just feel and think and see if I can try to,..  It’s still too far.  I’m not really so giving and flexible.  I am very much self possessed and spend most of my energy on my predetermined life that existed before anyone else entered the picture,...  After my husband and I drifted our different poles apart, in many aspects of our lives, I found a new self and health and wholeness that is mostly individualistic and isolated and doesn’t really have room for another person to be too taking...  

We have to be detached, not want to merge, not even want to do so at any level enough to feel compelled and impulsively seeking that, seeking to reach out and forge bonds that would not be healthy to form at this time, ...  And that is a big problem I can have.  I have to see how to prevent myself from feeling so compelled.  I am still working on that,..  And meanwhile I am maintaining more distance, but so are they, thank goodness...  The distance helps me have the control and detachment.  As does not thinking, not writing of all the beautiful messages I’ve been getting so very much.  

I think we ought to be non assuming, non attaching, when ti comes to getting to know one another.  Non labeling.  Or if we label let it be in a kind of easy light casual manner.  Let it be the fluid labels that can change from day to day or hour to hour, even...  Yes you seem like this and yes I want this, and I like this, but please don’t assume it’s always like this or always so important or not just a whim or a misinterpretation.  I won’t analyze and define your character, what I want to do or how I feel in any set in stone manner...  Let’s let it all be like chalk, easily blended or erased, drawn over,...  Let it be like sand, not clung to, not rehearsed, not thought about or reiterated.  Let’s not get worked up and obsessive, trying to please or figure each other out too much.  So there too it helps to have distance.

Yet it is not just a matter of having distance and time apart, nor is it a matter of keeping things more cool and calm...  As it also is important to have mental control, not to think about things too much or,... To make sure you see them from the perspective that lets you feel more cool, calm, detached,...  The intensity of emotions and connection, closeness, can be very strong but the important thing then is can you compartmentalize these feelings and not let them overpower but remain detached mentally?  It’s not the emotions, but more so the mental aspect, how do you mentally process and percieve and have control over your responses?  I am not so much in good practice of this, having so much control over my emotions and love impulses.  But I’ll try to learn how to do that because it seems pretty major when it comes to avoiding premature attachment...  A bane of my life...  so it has been.  Shameful, embarrassing, but good if I can come to terms with it.

It’s also good for me to go ahead and write about the messages I’m getting before I feel more attached, more close, like I know the person better.  If I’m getting the messages, then why not write them, if I can keep from feeling impulsively overwhelmed,...  I can write them before the feeling of clinging or inhibition, attachment or fear of losing or upsetting or embarrassing or whatever sets in...  As I have little understanding of the other person, it’s more objective and free to be my true self and just observe and comment on the messages I get ...  I will always be vulnerable in a relationship, and the expression of feelings and getting to know each other more deeply will shape, inhibit, and distort the focus of things, because that is inevitable.  Words being so imperfect and limited as they are this is just how it always goes, with emotions entangled and weighing and slowing things down, too,...  But that is romantic relationships.  It’s inevitably distorted,..  Better face things now before they have a chance to be more distorted.  If it all fades then it’s ok...

I need to keep the perspective,..  Yes, that it is all ok.  I am strong.  Strong enough to not need them.  Is it true?  I hope so.  New spirit loves arise for me when old ones drift away from me.  I feel I keep needing them and they keep rescuing me from trauma and overwhelm, depression, despair, disgust, and feeling so bored and tired and whatever,..  Fed up and exhausted with this world and life,..  They are able to heal and help me at those times, these spirit loves, like no one or nothing else,...  This is why I feel vulnerable and impulsive, regarding them,...  But I need to find how to feel I am strong enough that I don’t need them...  As they told me I am that strong, and advised me.  Well, maybe that’s right...  Before they came along so I felt I would be alright with the background slight presence of my book love, then things got kind of sidetracked and stuck in a rut, but then this new hinted love changed things,...  And I am not sure what to think.  What’s right, am I strong enough without them?  I can’t depend on anyone, yet, either, and I know,... I am very hesitant to depend on anyone, but I just still feel impulsive, vulnerable, and not sure how to proceed to stay strong enough in myself and not so easily hurt or feeling shame or pain in regards to love...  And not so impulsively wishing to make it more, recklessly, in the wrong time, and wrong approach, wrong words, totally awkward and yet I’ve always, always, always been like that when it comes to romance...  I have some lessons to learn, things to contemplate, and figure out...  Well, so I hope I can,...  Still, so much to learn for me in this part of my life, or mind, heart, psyche, ...  Oh well.  I will do whatever I can or manage.  Before it all runs wild over me, I have to stop the process instead and slow and control and have breaks and things.  Maybe.  Finally control my heart instead of it controlling me too much...  Even the heart needs limits, regardless of the lies perpetuated about its supposed wisdom and ultimate truth for all things, healing and solving all things, etc.  It’s not the quick fix after all.  Indeed.