#ok fine i guess they go way back then
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Me, introducing new character to old characters: Look guys! New friend!
Main character: New? But we go way back!
Me: I literally just designed this person an hour ago.
MC: But we go wayyyyyy back. My mama remembers our childhood nicknames.
Me: You meet in middle/high school??
MC, gripping my arms: No. We go way back.
Me, watching the childhood memories seep into my brain like some wholesome plot virus: o-ok. you go way back.. Yes. You definitely go way back!
MC: Good.
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20/10 stars little guy
#me (scrounging undetected autist whose ideal fashion sense is ''if i have to be seen at all: shrouded'') seeing encanto the other month.....#and on top of it all i LOVE slice of life. encanto being so focused on What It's About that there's so much of that + character / dynamic#also part of what i loved abt pixar luca. ppl like ''simple story but not a problem :)'' like YEAH thank god it's Also so slice of lifey#2021 what a year lol. though again i only Just saw encanto....tfw Studio Creative Control backs off a bit more than usual: Joy & Wonders#anyway i knew going in bruno wasn't an antagonist (fine if he was though b/c slay & b/c scapegoats can do whatever they want)#knew i'd love him b/c again Scapegoat shows up & i'm the Amazing Showstopping Totally Unique Never The Same gif on loop#but what a delight even beyond those expectations lol. love again how Focused the movie is on What It's About & Thee Points it makes#the Characters / Dynamics & the Metaphor & the plot stays right with all of that. the focus & importance re: thee scapegoats....#& bruno being disabled like whole layer of Yay Yay Yay spamming. that even when He's Back we're reminded he's not ''normal now'' or w/e#(i.e. presenting that as The Good Ending for the disabled outcast. vs just being embraced as part of the group again & accepted As He Is)#meanwhile was like hmm chat is there queercoding do we think? like is he queer: Yes. but is there coding? hmm#sure isn't cishet coded though. but i was also having the thought like fellas is it gay to [higher tenor tessitura or w/e] lol#made me go ''do i know this voice? ok do i know this name / face / actor? (i have never seen anything ever / bad w/names/faces/voices)''#indeed was like yeah haven't seen this; heard of this; seen it once ages ago no way i remember more than like 0.6 details#then from ''ohh haha I'm A Mammal That Cares....yeah i hear that'' to ''omg CHI-CHI RODRIGUEZ???? ;;0;;'' waaah fantastic revelation lmao#also the way Literal Future Seer ability was externalized to make it more wrangleable for plot is so impressive & fun & excellent#got a lot of [i like this thing i saw a lot] i got to say....guess i can do that w/the sideblog i made for one drawing i made last night#encanto 2021#bruno madrigal#also the way bruno is so Nervous + Hiding / Bold + Big Personality like yes ha ha ha Yes....tamped down as ''too much'' experience#also the [stuttering stumbling muttering mumbling] line: i fr nigh wept upon going back over a moment like what am i hearing here?#& realizing the answer was: it's bruno quietly stuttering a moment during this one line (& then (& then (& then)) i saw you) ;;;mm;;;#hang onnn....the first scapegoat who's driven off being Disabled is so real so ;m; that again they're like so he got Weirder; Okay ;;m;;#that we get jorge thumbs up nobody having an Aside to be like [ugh; this guy] or Anything. augh always have too much to say for 30 tags#fabric drape there sure not accurate but i was like okay if i try to really reference that i'm not getting this done tonight
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okay like the thing is that suicide jokes and such are probably not that bad or that big of a deal if you're not really suicidal but if you're For Real suicidal or have been before and are not doing well mentally and you keep making them and start finding comfort in the thought you could kill yourself if you wanted to. be careful
#like i'm being serious rn 😭😭#it genuinely became my only source of comfort and i ended up feeling like that was the only solution#and it wasn't even necessarily bc i wanted to be dead. at least not most of the time#but it felt like the only way for things to change?#i was so stuck and in the extreme act of killing myself i could see change i could see moving forward#which like. yeah but it's obviously DANGEROUS i mean i could've died for real#sometimes i wish i had blabla but mostly i'm glad i didn't but it was still all so awful to go thru?#and idk sometimes i think if i'd not normalized the idea of suicide in my head for so long i wouldn't have gotten to that point#ik that genuinely most ppl who make suicide jokes are gonna be fine it's not gonna affect them much#but some of us are severely mentally ill 😭😭 i've been suicidal on and off since i was 13 or something#and it's just not good for me and i just want to be like. if you're also mentally ill please analyze if it's bad for you too#bc ah brains are fucked up !!!!!!! like i have a personality disorder and my brain has probably never been Not fucked up so i have to accep#that i have to be gentler towards it bc it'll start having fucked up beliefs easily lmao like the amount of things i rationally understand#but emotionally i believe and feel the opposite and it does NOT help to just rationally know !!!!! which sucks#but i'm working on it with a professional bc yeah i can't just get rid of the bad thoughts and negative shit on my own which i guess is ok?#okayyyyy.. back to football
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dogs caught what i believed was some kind of black bird up until i whisked it away and realized it was a hawk or falcon chick? i had to relocate it 3 times because they kept finding it again before i finally plopped it down into our open shed which conveniently gives a little birdie plenty of hiding spots
but i was still worried about it possibly starving and it was unclear if the parents were near or not so i put down some water and leftover bird feed (even though i doubted it would probably eat it) and left it alone
checked up on it today and not only does it sound healthy, it looks like one of its parents is keeping an eye on the little guy 🙏
#it couldnt even peep anymore by the time i moved it for the last time so now that its nice and LOUD when it heard its parent fly in and out#i assume its getting fed and taken care of#i wasnt sure if i shouldve taken it to a wildlife center or not#its like? half grown i think?#and if its parents are taking care of it once it can fly im sure it'll be alright#i can pop in every few days i guess to see if its still screaming its little head off#or at least make sure my dogs dont get a hold of it anymore#poor guy was stubborn and got smacked around for a while before i eventually woke up and snatched it away#but man i wasnt sure if it was still there#i snooped around and didnt hear or see anything for a few minutes until i stood still for a bit#and saw another falcon pop in; see me; and flew right back out#but after it did that the chick started to scream lol#ur fine little buddy#oughhgh ok i stayed up way past my bedtime just to wait to go check on it#mimis time...
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Reading up on the people on my election ballot and there's some combination of "can ANYONE tell me what their policies actually are???" (Specifically with the smaller offices) VS "Oh, so YOU'RE the reason why Indiana has an abortion ban! Duly noted!"
#speculation nation#there are 4 indiana justices with retention up for a vote (on my ballot at least) and 3 of them signed the abortion ban shit.#so guess who im going to vote against retention for :]#i know theyre not policy makers in the same way that the governer or whatever is#technically theyre just there to make judgement calls about what the law actually Is.#but. But. that doesnt change the fact that theyre the ones that signed the abortion ban into place.#So What if they didnt make the policy themselves? they still chose to steamroll opposition and put into place a ban from the early 1800s#indiana is among the 16 worst states for abortion now. thanks to these assholes.#And So. well apparently indiana's never successfully voted against retention for any of its justices#but Why Not Start Now? im fuckin pissed. a lot of people are fuckin pissed. and these 3 justices have got to go.#we dont get to vote for who takes their places but at least they MIGHT be justices that are willing to hear us out.#and regardless. i want to get back at them for it. :] so even if they Technically did their jobs. i want them Out.#anyways i went looking at the representatives and senate seats and the democratic nominees seem fine.#some of the smaller offices dont have democrats running. just republican or libertarian.#dear god help me im gonna be voting for a republican this election. just one.#specifically bc it's an office that doesnt have anything to do with politics. and the guy running against her seems uhhhh#like he really doesnt care for the position?? he just wanted to put libertarians in more view.#so im like. ok for this one we really should have the person who's already got experience with the job and actually Cares about it.#for some of the other ones... god i dont know. these were the ones who were awful about listing their policies.#might just not touch the county school shit at all. theres Nothing on these people online and i have no direct stake in this#man. many things to think about. i still got some time b4 im voting but i wanna be prepared.
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this has to be a metaphor. for something
#robo ramble#im just going to read this as a thinly veiled metaphorical critique for the writing of the guild in xrd.#the writers made him faithful to the DQ blue raspberry misty float. all of his character development thrown in the trash completely#missing the point of the entire guild's story in favor of the dairy queen blue raspberry misty float coming back on the menu.#people liked the taste of the misty float but never got the point of its creation. it was only the taste they wanted. you could've easily#recreated this taste but they sought to return it in the worst way possible. without getting the point either.#that misty float ruined the lives of the people around him. and yet diary queen missed the point in favor of genre defining puppet characte#they wrote him back in and just made everyone around him feel like i guess everything is fine now??? its horrendous.#they made venom continue to be faithful to the dairy queen blue raspberry misty float. they tried to convince him that he had saved his#life all along or something??#like?????? the fuck. thats awful. horrible taste in my mouth-- LIKE THE HORRIBLE TASTE OF THE DAIRY QUEEN BLUE RASPBERRY MISTY FLOAT.#like if you wanted to make the dairy queen blue raspberry misty float playable again then just revive eddie and only eddie like tf?? you#could've come up with an excuse to make him live without a host. i mean you came up with bedman suddenly reprograming his bed in his final#moments what that doesnt make sense but ok..........#its better than diary queen blue raspberry misty float#i did it. these gifs have officially made me go insane. please dont read these tags.
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I just realized I can’t say Rene and Alois live in my head rent free. Like, they do pay rent.
The rent is emotional support
#not art#it took me like 9 years to realize this#which is also a wild realization all on its own#it’s really been nine years… in real world years rene is going to 5th grade this year…#that’s just wild#they’ve literally supported me through so much#rene in particular bc he’s like MINE mine. not like. an in-law#back in high school id pretend he was running with me when we did the mile#bc I could imagine him struggling and it was kinda funny so it kept me going#he was also the channel for so much vent art#he was kinda the guy I’d daydream with instead of daydreaming about real people and my self insert#it was a lot healthier (relatively speaking)#and he also pushed me to hone my art skills#I specifically learned how to draw that slicked back hairstyle just so I could draw him#and how to do a more western comic style#bc he looked awful in the anime style I used to have#he was kinda the catalyst behind a lot of the decisions that I ended up making. and he led me to my two best friends#he just means a lot to me ok#my little guy. who knew you’d mean this much to me#who knew you’d bring me so many good things#like crow and I obv met in the rp scene#but Keyx and I met bc I talked about how Rene was from marseille and they were like omg no one ever makes non-Parisian spies#and we got to talking#and eventually that’s why I even committed to studying abroad in Paris#well originally I wanted to go to marseille but they transferred me to Paris bc they didn’t have enough students at the marseille campus for#our major#which was fine I guess but I wish I had gotten to go to the marseille campus. it was way more chill.#even so I did meet a lot of nice classmates in Paris. they were mostly pretty accommodating to my lackluster French#anyway none of this would’ve happened if i didn’t have Rene#so. yknow. he’s my special little guy. so much of my life has changed just bc I have him.
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— TAG GAME.
TAGGED BY the dear @marivenah and @leviiackrman to answer a few questions! ty ty so much love!
TAGGING: @feystepped, @griffin-wood, @jendoe, @kingsroad, @chuckhansen, @risingsh0t, @queennymeria, @denerims, @phillipsgraves, @jillvlntine, @morvaris, @aartyom, @minaharkers, @unholymilf, @leviiackrman, @jacobseed, @arklay, @corvosattano, @jackiesarch, @malefiicarum, @pearlcscent, @shellibisshe, @weisshaupts, @shadowglens, @leondaltons, @adelaidedrubman, @florbelles, @belorage, @confidentandgood, @girlbosselrond, @thee-morrigan, @rosebarsoap, @fragilestorm, @lacunafiction, @noonfaerie and you!
THREE SHIPS: inspired by mari <3!
THREE CANON SHIPS: geralt x yennefer, corlys velaryon x rhaenys targaryen, and arianne martell x daemon sand!
THREE OC SHIPS: iovanna dayne x daemon targaryen, edelgard vanderweyden x reese verner, maekar targaryen x aeryal arvel (carolines dear!)
THREE MUTUALS SHIPS: mo @kingsroad's alyse x aegon (they mean the world to me!), ash @unholymilf's iconic varya x roman (forever the moment!), airika @chuckhansen's nina x adam (the loveliest! they're dear to me!)
FIRST SHIP: oo ok ok i want to say my first ship was I think? rajaion and ena from fire emblem path of radiance? that or? selina kyle/catwoman and bruce wayne!
CURRENTLY CONSUMING: an iced coffee ajanjnsk bc i am a responsible adult <3.
CURRENTLY WATCHING: my 3829838th rewatch of house of the dragon <3 am i surprised? nay nay! its not at all for oc lore! (leg says like a liar jnjanj <3)
LAST MOVIE: the batman! <3 and one i recently adored seeing was bullet train as well! (ty ty orion and ash for introducing me bc of ur ocs u dears u!)
LAST SONG: its been stuck in my head all week! the fruits by paris paloma <3
CURRENTLY READING: rereading fernweh saga by the dear aelsa! and fire and blood by george rr martin <3 (leg once again says its bc they want know more of what’s in store for the characters and not for oc lore at all like a liar <3)
CURRENTLY CRAVING: my mom is making sauce so i have pasta on the brain <3
#only if you want to! 🤍🕊#ahh this was so cute! and lovely to get me back into the swing of things <3#t: about leg#i would also like to say that all of the ships of my mutuals with their dears are my favorite <3 THEYRE ALL SO GOOD#IYKYK on the fe ship the way ten year old me watching the cutscenes for that game on yt and that scene had me SOBBING#i fully blame my appreciation of tragic/doomed dynamics on them AHH#AND OF COURSEE the one and only duo <3 can cite my brand! my appreciation for enemies/rivals dynamics on them!#(bruce can have two hands for sel and polly bc i said so <3)#AELSA I HAVE BEEN MEANING TO SINCE I READ IT ON RELEASE DAY NEED TO SHRIEK ABOUT FERNWEH I MUST AHH#if y'all haven't yet YOU SHOULD YOU SHOULD i mean it was the loveliest read floored and blown AWAY absolutely STUNNED it was so good!#(but im never not floored by ur talent and its a HIGH honor truly to know u and be mutuals AND GET TO SUPPORT AHH)#my friend wrote an if an it was PUBLISHEDD and u all should read it <3#AND I SAWWW THE DENIAL ROUTE AND THE PIANO CHOICE I DID I DID AND WHEN I TELLU I SHRIEKED AND WAS SOBBING??#ill be sure to be sobbing for eternity! R VERNER U MEAN THE WORLD TO ME and j I need to make a dear for them I HAVE TO#I mean????? just their dynamic with the mc I was on the FLOOR u know? and the nightmare scenes!!!!!! my god! the bestest!#ok ok also like...... new song with PEAK una energy that has been living in the psyche rent free that I found in my rec songs <3 FLOORED#''angel' he calls me does he know that im falling from a precipice that I tripped off long ago?' ->#''your so pure' he says does he know im forsaken? the original sinner but soon you'll know for if im going down I guess ill take you w/ me?#LIKE I COULD RECITE ALL OF IT FOR HER BUT UHHH im fine im fine totally really not at all shrieking about una at all from this <3#two of the top ships that live in my head rent free that are canon being asoiaf ships <3 AAAND THE OC SHIPS they won this year already <3#AND I MEAN ALWAYS IN MY HEART ALWAYS ON MY MIND Eddie and reese <3#ok ok im suuper thinking vanna and daemy may be the first piece? this week ive done a lot of thinking of them and..... they <3#leg.txt#leg.tagged#MO I CANT WAIT TO CATCH UP ON ITR+R GODD THE WAY THEYRE JUST <3 they mean the world to me!#can't wait to yell about them and be floored by ur writing!!!! VARYA ALWAYS IN MY MIND AND NINA AND ADAM ALWAYS ON MY HEART <3#listen i read the t*wow preview and? ari x daemy? SO GOOD. (and very excited for caro's dears lilyana x daemy he deserves it! he's lovely!)
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i have so many feelings and i hate it
#and regrets of any time ive acted up or feel like in hindsight it wasnt cherishing the time i have w them as i shld be and#and things i want to do with them still and ways to love them and be loved and understand their way of loving and#i think we can be so good together and. i miss them. and i hope they miss me.#i really hope theyll miss me soon and want me again and . ik its maybe a little messed up but i want to believe and trust and#its hard and it hurts but. i really feel theres a great connection and if i need to chill out a bit and remember myself more thats fine#and on me for getting so like. moody recently. altho i kinda feel like part of that is med changes but u__u still i need to be able to like#be better and i think they make me better and so happy and. im so comfortable with them and i love them and i wld want to make it work#even if it had to be distance but i dont think i want to just be their friend like maybe but it would hurt a lot bc i love them so much#and i hope they wanna be with me too still and will allow me to romance them yknow flowers and adventures and love and take care and... yea#and maybe some of this was just them going thru a lot rn and im sorry for adding pressure to it and i want to be the comfortable respite an#auurgrgghfhdhdhhfhfdhh i miss them#i just keep thinking abt them like ill have periods of not but then i do again and. idk.#theres also a lot of complicated feelings and thoughts and its like i want to like. idk. know some of their friends n stuff n. :^( idk#i dont feel well from the stress and emotions and ow of it all#i really hope it isnt just a way for them to let me down i really hope they come back eventually like i wanna believe they will but#ourgsghthfhdhfhghghdhdhwkelftk4bfbhwiwjtjejAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#i love them a lot. and need to listen more abt more alone time stuff bc it is good for both of us but not like this u_u#ok sorry for rambling i needed somewhere to write feelings so here we are#i guess part of me is hoping theyre thinking abt me at least a bit and maybe will check this and see it and be like wow i do miss them too#but ik thats silly and eitth3u2ieigjtb4jirifjwji24jgntn aahhhhhhhhhhh. i say a lot of things wrong esp when scared or overly emotional and.#urgevshehrhtjrjeitjtnjeeitjtjwjeiigvjiw9384847rhfbwjoe4j4n4j289djrnrnf#i just really really hope they come back soonish and like want me and are like yes i do want you sorry for that but not a huge sorry bc#like i understand where theyre coming from and. and. yeah. idk. soon doesnt have to be today or tomorrow but maybe a week or 2 idk#i just realy miss them and it hurts and i really dont want them with someone else or to just throw it all away andni want to prove i can#like. idk. love them and be better and more positive i guess we've both been dealing w a lot of stuff and i do need to learn to accept and#more patient w how we communicate differently and we do have to face that but its a difficult topic to confront ig and aurh4hwhshhrlffff#i think they love me i want to trust and i really hope they dont try to make any decisions for me or like based on what they think best 4 m#bc i get to decide that :^(#when i said let down i meant like. leave my life and never talk to me again and stuff.. ;^(. idk how to feel abt some things but. idk. idk.#theres so many feelings and that all is just a pretty vague tip of the iceberg ugh
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In my head *cough, fantasies* RGG isn't so centered on their need to 'one game only' their villains, and allow the characters they already have to expand and grow beyond those games. (Ryuji-though he came back in Dead Souls, Mine, Aizawa) they do a good job making really compelling, interesting characters and then have to speed run to their demise. It's unfortunate, but I do understand they were operating with 'there might not be another game after this so we don't want to get too far ahead of ourselves' much of the time. Hell I don't even need redemption arcs, just..not having death be the only answer, if that makes sense? Or I just get to attached to the well-done villains. Heh. (chaoszonenate)
noooo it makes me sooo pissed actually just because kiryu (and even ichiban !!) Every Time preaches about people's capabilities to start over and so long as you have a will to go on you can right your wrongs but !!!! these fucks aren't ever given that chance and i'm over it !!!!!!!!!
if no redemption arc for them then at the very least let them go to jail idk- just stop killing them because the game's over
#snap chats#spoilers#because im going to get into spoilers becaUSE EVERY TIME THIS TOPIC'S BROUGHT UP WE KNOW WHAT I GOTTA SAY#AOKI'S DEATH WAS STILL THE DUMBEST AND STUPIDEST SHIT EVER LIKE UGH#aoki's death is LITERALLY like. the primest example of what is wrong with this trope from RGG#like the ending of Y7 could have been so beautiful and good and meaningful had aoki survived#take him to prison and let him start to atone for what he did the RIGHT way#UGH I GET SO MAD CAUSE IT WAS LOOKING SO GOOD TOWARDS THE END AND THEN KUME FUCKIN#CHEKHOV'S FUCKIN KUME I GUESS i hate this game so much#i hate this game because i love it so much BUT the ending the ending is literally the only thing stopping me from adoring Y7 1000%#that and the mirror face moment but like. Fine Whatever i'll look over it if it means joon-gi cancels aoki live on twitter#back to mine tho. cause i mean. We Know Me. i really wish he lived just to see daigo's reaction#like i can't even begin to imagine how daigo would react to learning about everything mine did- what mine was GOING to do too#GOD i really dont know.... i REALLY dont know because daigo's a good man but that's SUCH a big betrayal#i feel like kiryu would've accidentally wing manned for mine though yk what i mean#listen if he's willing to tell daigo mine wouldn't betray him then im sure he'd help daigo understand that like#Ok Mine's Deranged But We Can Fix Him :) like father like son you know GOD theyre idiots but i love them like family#ok im prob gon run out of tags if i keep going i can save all that fr a fanfic idk BYYYYEE
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...
#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the#best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b#like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional#control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood#weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start#crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way#not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things.#thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi#now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me.#working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning &#prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st.#task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in#this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do#moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an#then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose#things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the#picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to#absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal#away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i#still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop#switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping#would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is#but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually#unrelated#i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static#but focus is not a thing i cna control
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The fucking audacity of this man to tell me he's never cared about me, then ignore me when I say that it was unfair to lie to me when I've clearly been in love with him for years, only to come back almost 2 months later asking me how work is. I can't do this shit. I'm too stressed as is. Too few spoons for my own day to day.
#leon bitches#I'm ignoring him until i can think of something to even say. if i ever do.#all i asked is clarity on what he wants from me because I've wanted nothing more than to worship at his altar for years#that i was the saddest most groveling mutt to ever be born and he was the hand providing sustainance to me#literally everything I've done since i met him was to try to impress him. every job. every achievement. just to get his attention.#and it was so fucking obvious that he has to be lying when he says he didn't notice#and he just thinks it's ok to ignore me when i ask tough questions. just ignore me and pick back up in a month#once I've had time to cool down or whatever#but i haven't cooled down. i can't.#he's hurt me so badly and so many times#and yet i continue to come back to him like the addict i am. and he's the drug.#i want nothing more than whatever scraps he can bother to toss my way. yet i know this will be my downfall.#my ultimate perdition#and i know i should wisen up and tell him to go fuck himself... but i can't bring myself to do so#because losing him is losing the person I've been for so long now. i don't know who i am without his influence..#if he had just wanted something physical he should have said so to begin with#I'm a pretty understanding person. i know how people work and some people just want to fuck. that's fine.#but instead he made it sound as if he wanted to date me. and then didn't talk to me for over 3 months.#this cycle has been going on for almost a year now. i can't even begin to guess at how many years the stress of it has sheared from my life#so I'm ignoring him for now. perhaps in perpetuity. i haven't decided which will hurt less.
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this fucking polish ticket company is pissing me off so bad im gonna kill myself
#they sent me an email saying my payment didn't go through#and that the tickets go back on sale and that id have to try again to buy tickets#i was like ok fine bc i didn't really wanted those tickets anyway so it was good with me#a day later the payment went through#i asked the support if i could get my money back and that i didn't want the tickets anymore bc it clearly said in the email they sent me#that i didn't get the tickets etc.#and it was a pricey ordeal so i was like i really need the money etc#and someone said they referred my case to someone else and then nothing happened#i just sent an email asking whats going on#and they replied with oh you gotta have patience. GIRL. BFFR.#fucking hate my life rn and this fucking company#there's no way this is allowed but whatever fuck me I guess
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goddamn i gotta figure out what the hell my horrortale self insert does in the underground. i know everything about their life before that and HOW they get there but i have no idea what the fuck they do once theyre actually DOWN there
also i ran out of tags im saying this here as an addition so you know why they just sorta end abruptly. lol. everyone say thank you to my habit of talking in the tags cause i dont want people to see the shit i say
#cherry chats#i wrote down all their rich lore i dont think i ever posted it and i doubt i ever will#not cause i dont wanna in fact its the opposite but itd basically be a huge trauma dump and theres not a person on earth whod wana hear that#and i also wouldnt wanna subject anyone to that cause its not really their problem lol#not that i mind talking about it or whatever. but still itd put whoever this theoretical person im tellin it to in an uncomfortable position#so eh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ bottom line is evil shit hospital -> escapes and is chased up the mountain -> jumps down a big hole lawl#but anyway i have no idea what the fuck they do once theyre down there#i mightve said this already but theyre really resilient towards the conditions down there? theyve never eaten real food and they dont feel#hunger (arfid yo 👍) so if you tried to give them proper food theyd be like. i dont know what to do with this ?#and theyre used to the cold cause of how shit that goddamn hospital was so even when theyre going through snowdin barefoot theyre like.#ok this is fine ^_^#theyre also used to physical pain and also theyre on 800 different messed up meds so if they get hurt that hardly bothers them#its like. a numb sort of pain. like the phantom pains you get when you get injured or killed in a dream#they also think sans is really funny even when he tries to get under their skin with morbid humor#their whole existence is basically morbid so theyre just like hehehe ^_^ your funny#BUT NONE OF THAT EXPLAINS WHAT THE HELL THEY DO IN THE UNDERGROUND!!!!!!!!!#i guess for starters theres no way theyd ever wanna go BACK to the surface so jot that down#i guess. maybe since they wouldnt have access to the medication and drugs theyre always on theyd change?#i think theyd go from a foggy detached empty dissociative state to being actually AWARE for once#after theyve been there for a little while maybe theyd even start. brace yourselves. FEEL things#like uh. emotions. and stuff like that#so instead of an empty miserable shell theyd be able to experience excitement or curiosity. or the human emotion called friendship#do they……… live with sans and papyrus? thatd make the most sense i guess#also thats the only place theyd be safe from being eaten alive lol#i guess they could live with toriel? maybe they go back to the ruins after theyve escaped#but then they couldnt hang out with sans and papyrus as much. and thats lame#maybe they live with the skelebros under the guise of being some sort of weird. pet or something#ummm. nah……. thats weird#ok so i guess i dont know what the hell my self insert does in the underground only how they change when they grt there. whatever#its not like im a WRITER. i dont know all this stuff what do you thinj i am omniscient????
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oh I love feeling somewhat hopeful and excited about academia again :( I just have to get through this hellish year and then next year should be so much better. KNOCK ON WOOD.
#tbh my term is basically over i just have to write fourish essays and then do an exam#but it's so hard to get the motivation to do them i just feel so far behind after Everything that went down#and I'm sleeping ok now (KNOCK. ON. FUCKING. WOOD. ) but what happened with it fully did wreck me#and i went from actually being pretty ahead of everything i had to do to being way behinf#**behind#and btw i asked for an extension and she was like yeah I'll check and get back to you. and then never responded#and it doesn't even go toward our grade. so that essay isn't getting fucking written lol#especially when i have one due worth 80% like be serious...#<- it's worse too because the 20% assignment was due in. you'll never guess when. february. so you can guess how that went#oh and i STILL haven't gotten my shitty february essay back from that professor i emailed either!!! girl HELLO#anyway. hope u enjoyed that tour to my terrible academic life#the thing is. and i don't know if this is worse. when i actually do do the work even when it's last minute etc i do well#like if i just crack down for a day i can get a first in whatever essay. but lately i just can't do it. because of the illnesses.#but it's fiiiiine i have a month and I'll write them and they'll be good and it'll be fine. knock on wood. 😐#**YEAR. not term. my term IS over. and then i have my third one next month. I'm sure you don't care about this#but i like accuracy.
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I kno I can say no to people, including my parent, but it has been so ingrained in me that unless I am litterally in the middle of something or about to be that I'm doing nothing and therefore should be able to do whatever thing in that moment- usually involving driving somewhat to get someone or take them somewhere or help my parents with some shit that could google but don't even attempt to
And I feel so tired today
#my parents yesterday needed their printer ink changed ans i went out to lunch with dad#so like sure why not go do that and then the printer got pissy because? i don't know some bullshit so i had to sort that out#then today my parents wanted a ride to a bar they go to#sure fine simple enough didn't even change out of my pjs bottoms#but also dad needed some all downloaded on his tablet and needed that set up#and they needed a ride home after the bar#but they want me to go inside see some people specifically one who's moving soon#sure I'll change into clothes#then halie needs a pick up from work#well im already not home so like sure#it's not on the way but like I'm in the car so whatever#but im early because i finished with my parents and wasn't going home just to get back up#oh and she needs to go to Walmart sure whatever maybe I'll buy pokemon cards#and its just been that ever since i got my damn license#well not all with halie but my parents and other things#ugh#I've started telling halie i cant occasionally#but then fell bad when she comes home late cause whoever she got for a ride couldn't come earlier#and uber abs lyft aren't very reliable or quick here#she said she waited an hour yesterday for them before she finally found a family friend(?) who could take her home#and all thevwhile at my parents im told that when they leave for their trip *I* have to take the dogs to the kennel#cause they didnt have a day open before they left#and then *I* have to oick them up days before they get home cause thats the time they had open#and like yeah ok whatever sure i guess i have nothing going on fine whateever#tag rambles#dont mind me
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