#ok anways

[ratcandy]

saw a version for a different fandom on my dash and suddenly got compelled .sorry .

[daily-rubbersoul-redux]

wanted to get doodles done for all of my first play session but several things happened that prevented that so

trainer celari design and her funny cat that i refuse to draw properly

[pup-pee]

seawatt doodles that i did 4 mostly ru

[intothehandsoffate]

I present: college fiddauthor photo stash

[qiekzart]

day 102 drawing len until my preorder arrives

its winter rn so i decided to put them in the rain ^_^

requests open! ☆ 5 in inbox

so.. i really like how the background turned out so heres just the bg

[slavhew]

shortly after this john misses his flipflop and lands with his heel straight on the scorching tarmac

[dick-chugger]

He was kind of slaying here

[reneedenoailles]

[sealz888]

gordon and ricky core.... gordon is gordone with their shit!

Original tweet below the cut

[dogniightmare]

post this miyano when everyone least expects it

[nervouslywaitingforlife]

Something I've always found Kinda funny is how the PE uniform in twst looks like prison uniforms. Like...

You tell me these men ain't in prison

[kampflesben]

Reading Beyblade X because the new cover on mangadex intrigued me. they are doing crazy things to beyblades these days

[dnangelic]

if the monstrous freak is so unlovable then why hes so loved on tumblr dot com...

[activesplooger]

hope you guys are doing well <3

its been a stressful couple days to say the least.

love you all!!!

[enruint]

davide    cannot remember the true reason    he made the decision of stepping inside this building,    realizing perhaps a tad too late that it was a library.    mind occupied with thoughts that were better left alone to the nights where he was alone,    an empty bottle next to him,    and the chorus of fallen voices desperately trying to drag him into his own man-made abyss.     how easy it was to ignore    the phantoms that haunted him    when hands were busy aiding clients,    striking conversation with them   ━━━    guiding them in their day-to-day life.    making a difference,    an actual difference,    made it easier to carry atlas burdened weights:    if atlas were a monster that is.     it makes one wonder where he thought he was walking into,    making it all too clear that davide more often than not simply functioned on auto-pilot,    allowing limbs to carry him wherever they pleased. often enough far away from the place he called home    ━━━    an empty space.    a graveyard filled with old regrets and mistakes,    occupied by ghosts    whispering sweet nothings within ear    and perhaps even taken over by the spirit of who he could've been.

the library was silent,    reminiscent of his own empty house,    yet where own home was a forgotten garden,    this establishment was like a blooming field veiled by a comfortable silence.    a warmth davide     had been craving for decades    but had always been too scared to ever truly pursue.    how odd it is for scarred fingers to trail across the books within the shelves,    for    calloused hands to carefully hold one within their palms    and languidly go through the pages without really reading it.    the feeling of it within his hold was enough,    to be    grounded in a way    that reminded him of when he was playing game's with the teen's at the group home,    for a moment he simply felt alive and immediately he made sure to bury that lithe flame within heart.    better to crush hope than dare let it bloom where the frozen glades could break it apart.

occasionally he would feel the eyes of @holyscorch following his every move,    sending prickles down his spine,    as if he were the target for once.    was this how his victims had felt  ?    knowing someone was watching them before their inevitable end occurred  ?    he made sure to avoid their gaze,    steel-blue focused upon the book within his hands   ━━━    though reading it he did not.    perhaps it was best for it to call it a day and return home:    would there be enough there to distract him until come morning  ?    book is returned to it's rightful place upon the shelf before    the former hitman    emerges from the looming bookcases,    a phantom running from his own shadow.    wordlessly does he pass the librarian,    gaze focused upon the door,    yet he does not even realize    the storm that waged war outside    until hands wrap around doorknob and sounds come rushing back in   ━━━   as if woken up from a trance.   ❝   well  ....   fuck.   ❞

❝    unfortunately,    you'll have to wait out this storm.   ❞    emrhys acknowledges with a curt tone,     eyes not even looking over out in the windows   –   unnecessary;    given that the storm brewing outside is strong enough to make the windows clatter slightly and the old wood within the library creak every so often beneath the weight of its wind.    while emrhys wasn't so keen on having his guests stay in his library after hours,    he wasn't so cruel to kick them out in the middle of a harsh storm.    besides,    it was only one person,    and this one here seemed like the quiet type.    he gathers up some of the books left behind on some of the tables,    casting a glance to his lonesome visitor.    ❝  that is unless you want to challenge the storm and walk home.    i can't stop you regardless.   ❞

as if he was    being led by a spell    does the voice of the librarian force him to follow their movement across the shared space.    he doesn't move,    doesn't even reply,    like a deer caught in headlights. perhaps it's his silence that prompts them to continue.     sheepish is the way hand rubs the back of his neck,    lips curving upwards    into an attempt of a smile    though he already knows it looks more pained than it does inviting    which is why he allows it to fade way    and instead properly answer them.   ❝    i rather not.    if it's no trouble   ...   then i would gladly wait here until it settles.   ❞    davide never quite looks at the librarian,    gaze either looking at a point next to or behind them.    eventually the    sounds of his boots thumping upon the ground    fill the space,    fitting nicely with the thunderous howl that erupts from the sky.     making his way towards another table does he pick up lone book,    seemingly examining it   ━━━    without looking up does inquiry pass tiers,    ❝   need a helping hand  ?  ❞

[thepartyishere]

This is long winded rant about Cogwheels by Akutagawa

I wrote this a while back in a fit of obsession over the irl Akutagawa (that will never go away). I'd consider it vague analysis/ summary and not 100% focused on the BSD character if that's what you're looking for. Tbh I'm practicing my analysis/ writing skills and I'm not very confident in them yet. All this warning, it's not actually that bad I think (hope), I just have high standards for myself.

Anyways this is for @twinksintrees who asked about it

PDF of Cogwheels by Akutagawa Ryunosuke that I used:

https://documents.pub/document/ryunosuke-akutagawa-cogwheels.html?page=1

Cogwheels is a fictional work by Akutagawa Ryunosuke, but it’s widely acknowledged to be a thinly veiled autobiography. It was written in 1927, the same year the author commits suicide. 

 The story follows the main character’s thought processes in his day to day life. The events that occur aren’t what captivates me, but the emotions and thought patterns described. The mood is consistently very alone, different, and other from the population. This feeling of otherness is furthered by the paranoia the main character is experiencing, which drives him away from the few people he knows and the various physical illnesses he struggles with. His thought patterns feel disjointed to the reader, containing lots of logical leaps. He'll notice a recurring theme or object, like seeing an airplane several times in different situations and become paranoid and obsessive over the meaning of it. Throughout the work these varying recurring themes seem random and unimportant to the reader until the climax in which the character goes on a walk and encounters each of the subjects of those recurring themes, which he had been perceiving as premonitions of insanity and death. The culmination of all the foreshadowed repetition and the subsequent breakdown he has as he believes he is dying breaks down the distance the reader feels to the illogical fears and thoughts. The paranoia becomes justified to an outside observer when it all comes together.

Cogwheels reflects Akutagawa’s deteriorating mental state, as he successfully committed suicide the same year it was written. According to his Wikipedia page, he had intensifying and persistent visual hallucinations throughout his life as well as anxiety. We’ll never know the specifics of his mental illness, but I believe liberties can be taken to apply the experiences of the main character in Cogwheels to its author as the story is mostly autobiographical. The main character’s thought patterns revealed what I interpreted as compulsions and possibly OCD (but I am not particularly knowledgeable on the subject), depression, paranoia and other symptoms I may not be able to diagnose. The way in which these experiences are written and the feelings the descriptions invoke could not have been done by someone who wasn’t experiencing those exact things. 

The story feels like a very honest look into how Akutagawa thought and his worldview. This was written as his struggles and illnesses (mental and physical) were coming to climax. Another detail that may be Akutagawa’s thoughts projected is that multiple times in the story the character wants to admit himself to a mental hospital, but, "to go there meant death to me." Akutagawa’s life was plagued by fear of inheriting his mother’s madness. She was admitted to a mental institution when he was very young. Toward the end of his life that fear only grew as well as, "a vague sense of anxiety about my own future," which is one main reason for his suicide, given in his suicide note.

Regarding suicide, I can't help but think of how Dazai and Akutagawa's roles are reversed in BSD as they are in real life. The author Dazai greatly looked up to Akutagawa and I wonder what he may have thought and felt reading the works of a similarly depressed author. He was very affected by Akutagawa's death, being around 18 when it happened (Akutagawa was 35). The authors really are very similar, their works known for being bleak. It’s as if everyone else can't see how horrible things are and they are uniquely miserable in the world. As I continue to learn about the two authors I hope to compare their similarities in writing style and lifestyle in more depth. 

Akutagawa also had connections to Junichiro, with whom he publicly disagreed over whether the content or the structure of a story is more important in writing. Akutagawa argued that structure, or how the story is told, is more important. Any relationships between the real life inspirations for the Bungou Stray Dogs characters interests me, and I find this opinion held by Akutagawa relevant to Cogwheels. The content of the story is the quite mundane and sad life of the character, while the descriptions of declining sanity and the emotions conveyed are what I believe make the work so compelling. I’d be interested in reading Junichiro’s work to compare how his preference for the content and plot of a story impacts his writing.

In Cogwheels, the character’s emotions are constantly being influenced by anything he may perceive as or relate to something negative. His “normal” thought patterns or casual day will be interrupted once he makes any sort of negative connection or suspicious observation. He will obsess over the meaning of it, spiraling into distress and anxiety. 

This is my favorite example of that:

""Asylum" was precisely what it was. I somehow felt something soothing in the rosy tint of the wall and relaxed at a table. Fortunately there were only a few other customers there. I sipped a cup of cocoa and started to drag on a cigarette, as usual. The smoke rose in a faint blue stream up the rosy wall. The harmonious mingling of the soft colors was agreeable to me. But after a time I discovered a portrait of Napoleon on the wall to my left and began to feel uneasy again. When Napoleon was only a student, he had written on the last page of his geography notebook: "Saint Akutagawa Helena, a small island." lt might have been, as we say, only a coincidence. But it must have made even Napoleon shiver eventually . . . Gazing at Napoleon, I thought about my own work. And there burst upon me certain phrases in A Fool's Life. (Especially the words, "Life is more hellish than hell itself.") And also the hero's fate in my Hell Screen-a painter called Yoshihide. Then.. smoking I looked around the cafe trying to escape such memories. I had taken shelter here no more than five minutes earlier. Already the place had undergone a complete change. What made me most uncomfortable was the fact that the chairs and tables of imitation mahogany did not go with the rosy walls. Afraid I should fall into an agony imperceptible to others, I tried to get out of the cafe by quickly tossing down a silver coin."

This passage shows how one thing (a painting of Napoleon) will remind him of something negative and cause a downward spiral that seems to contain leaps between subjects, and he becomes distressed. As a fan of the writing style, I especially notice and admire the way Akutagawa describes the color of the wall as soothing in the beginning, with pleasant imagery, then cites the colors of the furniture and walls as his greatest source of discomfort in the end of the passage. The character feels as though the very environment around him has turned against him, changing with his shifting moods. What was pleasant has become hostile, the outside mirroring his inner state.

The last paragraph of Cogwheels is something that has struck me since the first time I read it. It’s the character’s reaction to the climax of the story, in which he went on a walk and had a breakdown over the culmination of the recurring premonitions:

“It was the most frightening experience in my life- l haven't the strength to go on writing. lt is inexpressibly painful to live in such a frame of mind. lsn't there anyone to come and strangle me quietly in my sleep?”

I am reminded of what Asagiri said in an interview: “This story (Bungou Stray Dogs) is not for people who are good at living.” Akutagawa was also arguably not good at living, which creates a connection between the inspiration for the manga character and its reader that fascinates me. 

As much as I describe the thought patterns and paranoia in Cogwheels as something somewhat foreign, something experienced by someone who was nearing the end and reaching the height of their lifelong mental illness, I find some familiarity in it. Akutagawa was far from good at living and the lack of control and fear I sense in his life and in this story resonate with me. I’m drawn to the hopeless tone of his works and the tragedies of his life. 

Sources and Further Info:

Akutagawa’s Wikipedia page

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ry%C5%ABnosuke_Akutagawa

Some of his childhood and analysis/ comparison to Edgar Allen Poe

https://www.washburn.edu/reference/bridge24/Akutagawa.html

BSD Wiki for some of the relationship between author Dazai and Akutagawa

https://bungostraydogs.fandom.com/wiki/Real-life_References

A partial translation of the Asagiri interview  (@Popopretty1 on Twitter)

https://twitter.com/Popopretty1/status/16634469970163916