#oh my god kanaya please kiss me

[homestuck-archive]

HOMESTUCK: BEYOND CANON UPDATE!

JADE. CUCKS. KANAYA.

That is all there is to say for this update. Fuck.

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-08-23

More homestuuuuuck

I’m a little tired today so I don’t expect much intelligent analysis out of myself, but if anything classpecty happens I doubt I’ll be able to help myself regardless.

oh, always

(EDITS: added note on horn colors, link to ask on potential Blood powers reference)

> CHAPTER 12. Really Convoluted Metaphorical Horseshit

cuuute

In the bowels of a different ship, at a moment in time that is not pinpointable in either direction from the previous interaction, another Dave raps quietly to himself.

another dave raps quietly to himself.  i am glad that phrase exists it brings me joy

(LATER EDIT: A friend on Discord pointed out that throughout this entire update, Karkat's horns are #FF0000 red. They were normal candy-corn colors in previous glimpses at the ship crew, though they used a dark single-color shortcut typical of old Homestuck at one point... but THIS time it stays STARK red even when we zoom in close later. Is this just artistic liberty? Did Karkat color his horns for fashion? Does this happen to red-bloods like the Sufferer after a certain age? Just how much time has actually passed, here? We might have to wait for the commentary for this one.)

KARKAT: I WAS SAYING I THOUGHT WE MIGHT GO, I DUNNO, ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE SHIP WHILE THE CLOTHES WERE WASHING. KARKAT: SEEING AS THIS DECREPIT MACHINE WE WERE SO BLESSEDLY PROVIDED WITH MAKES A WHIRRING SOUND SO PANCHAFINGLY ARHYTHMIC THAT IT THREATENS TO ERADICATE THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF TEMPO FROM THE UNIVERSE.

Karkat really has chilled out hasnt he?  like this is surprisingly level for him, and that fact is hilarious.

KARKAT: AND YET SOMEHOW BASICALLY ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE WE STARTED THE LOAD IS THAT YOU’VE BEEN USING IT AS A FUCKED UP BEAT TO WHISPER TO YOURSELF ABOUT FLOWERS TO.

oh gosh that’s why he’s rapping

> ==>

DAVE: kanaya was telling me this kids story the other day about this dude who didnt cherish a flower enough until it peaced out to do flower stuff idk its not pertinent to the story DAVE: except the flower was a person DAVE: because it was a metaphor

Oh right, coming back to the Little Prince stuff I was too lazy to metaphor-deep-dive into, and literally asking the same questions we were asking about who the Little Prince’s story applies to mapped here if anyone at all, like Dirk and such, or what biases were in the retelling of it and the way Kanaya phrased it.  So now we’re practically mocking it by deep diving it here, hence the last page’s “DAVE: i was just thinking through some really convoluted metaphorical horseshit”, which means we’re both about to further explore AND shit all over the existence of this story metaphor until it doesn’t mean anything and most of the meaning we drew from it earlier is made a joke~

well, not “we”, cause I was too lazy, so... y’all

DAVE: anyway what goes down in the story is that once the flower lady is out of the picture DAVE: the main character goes around making all these connections between her and everything else in the universe until every damn thing feels like a symbol for how much he fucked up and how much he will never see her again KARKAT: THIS SEEMS PRETTY FUCKING INTENSE FOR A KID'S STORY DAVE: yea thats pretty much what i said

Oh holy shit.  That’s yet another way to put it.  Are we doing a whole moral takedown of the Light aspect today?  cause it sounds like we’re taking a dump on the Light aspect and RoboRose getting too obsessed and immersed in it, which would be excellent

DAVE: but i guess its not so much what the story was technically textually about but more like the version of it kanaya internalized and then told me when we were talkin about how she misses rose

exactly

DAVE: so like now im taking the story she told me she was projecting her feelings onto and projecting my feelings on top of that

yes absolutely, you just rephrased it a different way with that exact same bias

DAVE: this is just one big game of emotional projection telephone so feel free to go paraphrase it to roxy later and make it about whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing

perfect. i need an emoji for that Italian thing for when you pinch your thumb and forefinger together and kiss it

ah this’ll do:

its like the expression “choice” but in nonverbal form

[...] whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing KARKAT: YOUR ABILITY TO GET TO THE POINT DAVE: gotem DAVE: anyway you’re not gonna have to miss that skill of mine for long DAVE: get ready for this shit because i am about to slap you with the point so hard youll fall ass first into the washer DAVE: just scrambling around in there getting all sudsy DAVE: but your brain is gonna be so blasted from the mindfreak of a point im about to make that there wont be anything left to clean

Anytime dave is told to get to the point he is contractually obligated to spend at least 20 seconds talking about how he’ll get to the point in a way that is not getting to the point

DAVE: so its genuinely cool that kanaya can go around creating meaning that may or may not be actually present in every little thing DAVE: connecting every feeling she has to the idea of her wife existing out there DAVE: so i told her she should keep that shit up DAVE: but im having the opposite issue where im struggling to find anything to be that kind of tether because every single thing i could possibly consider about what it is were doing just reminds me of yet another thing to be afraid about

Great examples of Light being good and bad!  Attaching strands of connective meaning to everything.  --though, in Dave’s case AND Kanaya’s case you could argue it’s both bad in terms of effects.  That it’s great for Kanaya to care, but that she should be able to divest herself and live on her own terms without idealizing Rose literally everywhere she looks, personal growth which would be useful in helping bring Rose back to her in the first place.  The struggle they’re looking forward to is largely philosophical, not just physical, and until Rosebot acknowledges that she was wrong it’s not over.

DAVE: everything fuckin sucks huge cosmic donkey sack and im terrified KARKAT: OK, SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SKIPPED A COUPLE NECESSARY STEPS IN YOUR POINT CLARIFICATION PROCESS.

Pretty sure Dave was on the same page as most Epilogue and start-of-HS2 readers.  This situation is pretty bleak to dump our heroes into, no matter how much we believe will be resolved in the long run.

DAVE: ok but were you going with sweet or savory please give me that much at least KARKAT: YEAH IT WAS GOING TO BE SUNDAE-BASED. DAVE: nice KARKAT: YEAH. KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA WATCH MORE GBBO AFTER THIS? DAVE: absolutely

--ah, Great British Bake-Off, can’t say I’ve indulged

do they still have that?? did they save it from old Earth?  or did they go where unflooded Britain used to be and say hey, new show reboot

KARKAT: GREAT. ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET HUMAN CHRIST, PLEASE BACK UP TO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU’RE ACTUALLY SCARED OF. KARKAT: ALSO COME HERE, IDIOT.

That last line is like, exactly as fucking sweet and awesome as we imagined their relationship to be.  :)

> ==>

OH MY GOD THAT’S ADORABLE

DAVE: ok yeah this is a better position to unleash all my inner fears n anxieties from

indisputably.

DAVE: those times its like my mouth was saying words about the situation wherein our friends are AWOL and maybe dead but my brain wasnt fully letting me experience the emotion that goes along with them DAVE: man its like i cant even start genuinely thinking about how afraid i actually am for rose and john without my brain flippin its wad and whiting out DAVE: like haha fuck i hope theyre ok DAVE: now i better make a fuckin joke before i succumb to the gaping mouth of despair waiting for me to fall in it as soon as i look down and acknowledge that its there ogling how juicy my ass looks as it trembles with terror

I really hope that the writers of HS2 know full well that this feeling? the one Dave is describing here? is what many of us who got way overinvested in the well-being of Homestuck’s surviving characters felt reading the Epilogues and Homestuck^2.  So I really hope they’re working through it in a way that will result in a preponderance of GOOD THINGS happening and hope-filled situations.  Cause that “can’t even think about X” feeling is too familiar, and if they understand it as well as it LOOKS like they’re getting to, I’d really like them to give us a helping hand healing.

I think that’s what they’re going for?  Seems hopeful for me to think so, but they HAVE been doing better as HS2 has been going forward, from an emotional standpoint anyway; definitely better than the Epilogues.  And I’ve worked through some of that stuff with the help of that, because it’s MUCH easier nowadays to think about Homestuck without my gut clenching.

DAVE: i guess im just fucked up about how to worry about dirk and be angry at him at the same time DAVE: because if i get as unholy pissed at him as i sometimes wanna be i also gotta admit to myself that maybe i coulda done something different there

Mhmm, Karkat’s potentially a pretty good person to speak with here since he’s done so much work trying not to feel responsible for everything that’s ever gone wrong.

DAVE: also like DAVE: and this by the way adds a whole other layer of guilt on there that i dont really know how to fuckin reckon with but DAVE: even with all the shit hes pulled and the fact that we are more or less heading toward having to take him down DAVE: whatever that is gonna mean and whether or not he planned it like that DAVE: i just DAVE: me and him had come so far with each other and it was really cool for a while to have him and i DAVE: ugh DAVE: i dont WANT to hate him

Yeah, Dirk and Jane’s heel-turns were really shitty for anyone who was a fan of them in the fanbase, as well.

KARKAT: WELL THEN QUIT FUCKING PICKING AT THE SEAM ON MY SHORTS AND SPIT IT OUT. THEY'RE BARELY HANGING ON TO THE DEFINITION OF "SHORTS" AS IT IS.

That is an adorably real boyfriend-laying-in-boyfriend’s-lap thing to do

DAVE: the part i mentioned before about how we really have no goddamn clue how long this trip is even gonna take DAVE: i cant help but feel like its barely getting revved up DAVE: and for me and roxy and jade and callie and kan thats normal shit at best and boring at worst but we all have our immortality to thank for that DAVE: we can just dick around in space for near-eternity waiting to catch up to our friends who may or may not be our enemies now and itll be fine DAVE: i mean no itll be categorically miserable DAVE: but well survive it KARKAT: HOLD THE FUCK ON. DAVE: but you KARKAT: DAVE. DAVE: no lemme say this

Oh god damnit.  Karkat’s limited lifespan.  As if we hadn’t ALREADY covered a nauseatingly extensive gamut of disheartening topics of conversation.  We really have to confront every shred of misery in their past, present and future one after the other after the other in the Epilogues and HS2, don’t we?  >:(

I guess it had to be discussed, though.

DAVE: we dont talk about it much and i got shit to say about it DAVE: its not like i never thought about how youre mortal before but i just thought wed be able to figure it out before it mattered DAVE: come up with some kind of plan DAVE: i was just distracted being happy with you i fucking guess and so i didnt think up a way to fix it DAVE: and now thanks to dirk we have to work it out right the fuck now DAVE: because i cant spend this trip just sitting around watching you get old and die

Jesus.  I mean, WE know(?) that it’s not gonna be THAT many years, but THEY don’t know that.

Unless it really IS going to be that many years and HS2 is going to shamelessly take a fucking sledgehammer to our feelings for no goddamn good reason.  Which it won’t!  Right???  >:T

> ==>

Dishwasher ding

> Dave: Grapple with the clean, soggy consequences of the passage of time.

Hey, don’t make it a metaphor here. --though, fuck.  I suppose we are dealing with everyones dirty laundry.  God damnit.  SURE, deal with it all story but then GET IT OUT OF THE WAY AND PUT SOME SERIOUS FUN AND LAUGHS IN HERE so we don’t feel like we’re wading through an entire garbage dump!!!  *click*

Karkat’s eyebrows-only mouthless frown is really cute.

> ==>

okay Karkat explain the nope you’re lodging

> ==>

*put*

> ==>

*foot*

> ==>

DAVE: ok go on

I mean I at least appreciate the time investment in adorable boyfriends.  That’s definitely something of SOME good value they’re giving us in exchange for this misery

> ==>

That Karkat image makes me wanna do that red-shaky-gif-thing with it

KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NEW TO THE PARTICULAR MOOBEAST WRANGLING EVENT OF SOMEONE I PREVIOUSLY LOVED BRUTALLY TURNING ON ME AND LEAVING ME TO TRY AND CRAM MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION BACK TOGETHER ALL ON MY OWN.

True

KARKAT: HE DID THAT ON HIS OWN. AND WE MADE THE CHOICE TO GO AFTER HIM ON OUR OWN.

Yes, and you’ll possibly convince him more of that over time, though not in this short conversation

KARKAT: I WAS FOLLOWING YOUR LITTLE TRAIL OF COOKIE CRUMB FEARS UNTIL IT LEAD TO THE BIG SNACK FINALE OF WORRY ABOUT MY FRAGILE MORTAL MEATSACK. KARKAT: IF I HAVE SOMEHOW NOT BEEN CLEAR ABOUT THIS WITH YOU YET, LET ME GO AHEAD AND RECTIFY THE SITUATION RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. KARKAT: HANGING OUT WITH YOU ON THIS LONG TRIP TO WHO THE SHITTING FUCK KNOWS WHERE IS QUITE LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE MEAGER EXISTENCE. KARKAT: I'M SO ABSOLUTELY BLISSED THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND TO BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOUR STUPID IMMORTALLY SMOOTH HUMAN FACE SKIN EVERY DAY AND NOT HAVE A COMPLEX ABOUT IT.

D’AWWW

And with that darkly angry expression too, that’s PERFECT

I mean it’s true.  What exactly would they be doing DIFFERENTLY on Earth C other than enjoying each other like this?  It’s pretty fucking great.

...hm.  Isn’t this journey-not-the-destination stuff pretty Breathy?  Karkat’s proving more balanced by the moment.

KARKAT: AND I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN EXPERIENCING SOME COMPLICATED GUILT, MYSELF. KARKAT: THE FACT THAT I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE JUST FUCKING CHILLAXING AND BEING IN LOVE IN SPACE IS A CLEARLY INCONGRUOUS WITH THE REASON I'M ACTUALLY HERE CHILLAXING TO BEGIN WITH, AND I'M NOT LETTING MYSELF FORGET THAT, EITHER.

Pff.  He feels guilty for ENJOYING IT so much.  <3

KARKAT: BUT I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT MY HAPPINESS IS REGISTERING FOR YOU AS YOU HAVING TO JUST "SIT AROUND AND WATCH ME GET OLD," BECAUSE I KNOW YOU KNOW IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

I’m glad Karkat knows that DAVE knows somewhere in him that it’s more than that, because yeah, if Karkat thought he DIDN’T know that at some level that’d be a reason to take MUCH MORE SERIOUS offense.

KARKAT: LIKE, JESUS, DAVE. YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID FOR YOU, TOO, RIGHT? KARKAT: OR DID YOU FORGET THE WHOLE HEROIC DEATH THING? KARKAT: I WORRY ABOUT LOSING YOU FAIRLY FUCKING REGULARLY.

Hah!!!  Point taken.  Karkat must view Dave as practically more fragile than HIM.

KARKAT: ONE: WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA THAT I REFUSE TO NOT ENJOY THIS SHIT WHEN I FINALLY FUCKING GET IT, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT MAY OR MAY NOT LAST. KARKAT: TWO: IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE DOING NOTHING. WE’RE MOVING. WE’RE WORKING. WE’RE HEADED SPECIFICALLY TO A PLACE WHERE WE WILL UNDOUBTLEDLY ENDURE YET MORE FUCKING HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA. KARKAT: AND THREE: WE'RE DOING THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE FRIENDS WHO WE CARE ABOUT THAT NEED US. THAT IS OUR FOCUS, HERE. NOT OUR FEAR. IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE HAVE TO SAVE. KARKAT: SO DON'T FUCKING WORRY ABOUT ME, DAVE. I'M FINE.

Okay, this is great and wholesome.  I am now retroactively GLAD that this topic got brought up.  :)

> ==>

Dave is still afraid. There is a part of him that will always be, he thinks. He has accepted this about himself. There is another feeling coursing through him too, though. It’s something he's felt before, though never quite so intensely. He looks up at Karkat and understands, viscerally, the simple power his words have. They pump through Dave’s own body, alive and warm and true.

He wonders if Karkat realizes it, or if he’s just, as always, saying what he feels as he feels it. Dave doesn’t attempt to dissect it further. There will be time for that later.

Every really loving moment like this is sort of undercut by the fact that it’s also, in some senses, part of alt!Calliope’s narration and, by extension, her fanfiction.

EDIT 2: There's also either a hint to potential Blood powers or even an explicit Blood power use here that I didn't recognize. I'm leaning towards it's-laying-the-groundwork-for-future-use-of-Blood-powers-but-isnt-magical-in-this-case.

> ==>

Smooooch!

That was nice.  Still gonna wait on doing any commentary til next time or a Bonus update or two, cause I’m beat.  See y’all next time!

[laurasauras]

2019 fanfiction summary!

Happy new year! This post is to revisit my most popular fics by kudos for every month of 2019! (Where I updated a fic in multiple months, I chose the earliest update and didn’t double up). The quotes I’ve chosen were posted in the corresponding month.

January: Long-Distance (Dave/John, NSFW, finished, 4k)

‘Dave,' John says, and he's using his commanding voice. The one he used last time he came down to visit you. You dropped to your knees so fast after he told you to that you actually had bruises the next day. You're kinda powerless against John's commanding voice.

'Yeah,' you say.

'You're gonna take me to the movies. And you're gonna do what I say. 'Cause you're good for me, aren't you?'

February: Olympus (alphabetaot8+Karkat, Dave/Karkat, NSFW, illustrated, finished, 24k)

CG: WHEN I LEAVE OLYMPUS AND PEOPLE ASK ME, HEY, KARKAT, YOU HAD AN INCREDIBLE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE. TELL US, WHAT ARE THE GODS LIKE? CG: I’M GOING TO HAVE TO TELL THEM THAT YOU’RE ALL HORNY BASTARDS WITH NO CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. CG: FUCK IT, YOU DON’T DESERVE MY OPEN COMMUNICATION ABOUT WHAT RANDOM TIDBITS I’VE PICKED UP FROM MY VISIONS. CG: SUFFER IN IGNORANCE WONDERING WHAT SECRETS PAST KARKAT HAS WHISPERED THROUGH MY DREAMS AND CHOKE ON MY BULGE, ALL OF YOU.

March: An Opportunity for Wisdom (Dave/Karkat, SFW, finished, 2k)

"You don’t know what you were expecting, bruises maybe? But he mostly looks unfocused and young, probably because his signature shades are resting on his bedside table instead of his nose. Roxy hops onto the end of the bed and pats a spot for you, but you’re having some kind of staring malfunction.

‘So I assume you’re fine,’ you say. ‘The surgeon didn’t take out your spleen along with your excessive enamel or anything?’

Dave blinks slowly at you before turning to Roxy.

‘Rox,’ he stage whispers. ‘Whoooo is this movie star in my bedroom right now.’"

April: I Married My Best Friend. Ironically. (Dirk/John, SFW, in progress, 30k)

John isn't your most platonic friend. He's the dude you've been in love with for months and you've got no idea why you were denying this to everyone, including yourself. You like being in his arms and he's smiling at you in this gorgeous way that makes you think if you kissed him, he'd be even happier.

May: Open Up Your Murder Eyes (Dirk/Hal, NSFW, in progress, 86k)

‘This is all going to be okay,’ you tell him. ‘I'm very good at planning. And I'm very good at holding blood in my body. I do it all the time. I'm gonna fall asleep if you keep doing that, stupid magic hands. That's probably on your palms too, has the ability to make Hal melt, will not use this responsibly. I'll write it on if it isn't already, gotta warn for this shit.’

June: Reason To Believe (Jade/Nepeta, SFW, finished, 7.5k)

You can’t remember how to breathe. You don’t think your heart knows what it usually does either. You feel your hand twitch in hers and oh my God, you’re holding her hand.

‘Can I kiss you?’ she asks.

You might die if she kisses you. You don’t think your body can cope with it. You don’t care. You nod enthusiastically.

July: Irresistible Thoughts (AlphaDave/Dirk, NSFW, finished, 8k)

You have to let him sleep. You have to talk to him about this. You have to … probably never do it again. No, you definitely have to not do it again. (But what if you didn't tell anyone?) Your thoughts are evil and you're not to be trusted alone with them.

August: Your Boyfriend's A Snack (John/Dirk/Bro/Hal, NSFW, finished, 20k)

He plays a good game. Dirk seems to think he hung the damn moon and Hal is delighting in “corrupting” him, but you know better. Your John is rotten down deep. You can feel a kindred spirit in him. And you bring it out in him, too. He steps towards you until he would be in grabbing range if your arms weren’t bound against your side, your forearms behind your back. You’re tempted more than ever to make a real effort at breaking the rope, but you’re curious as to what he might do. Because John has decided that you’re a bad guy. And it doesn’t really matter, in John’s warped please let me do what I want morality, if he does bad things to a bad guy. You love John’s morality. And you love being his bad guy.

September: Murder Is A Very Intimate Fantasy (Death Note, Light/L, NSFW, finished, 10k)

‘One day, I’ll hear you say something that isn’t a lie. Until then …’ L ran a thumb across the flexible material of Light’s collar. ‘Murder is a very intimate fantasy.’

‘Tell me your name,’ Light said.

‘When you tell me yours.’

Light let his head fall onto L’s shoulder and laughed. No, he wasn’t going to confess. But this was an interesting development in the game. He would have been disappointed if L had let him win, even now after all these years and the most brilliant plan he’d ever come up with. What was the point of love if it didn’t challenge you?

October: Knight of Spades (Dave/Karkat, NSFW, in progress, 65k)

The movie finishes and you stop hiding in a strategically hornless patch of Karkat’s head. You straighten and notice that everyone has leaned somewhat towards the centre. Gamzee has his head on Karkat’s lap and his long legs outward. Vriska and Kanaya are both using Terezi as a (presumably much less comfortable) cushion like Karkat and Rose were for you. The Mayor is curled up like a cat in front of everyone. You feel …

Identifying your feelings wasn’t in any of the lessons you had growing up, but this makes your heart ache in a really good way. You feel like you’re safe, really safe, even despite your doomed timeline. You would do anything for the people in this room. Of course everything will turn out okay.

November: I'd Tap That (oh fuck I didn't mean to tap that) (Dave/Karkat, SFW, finished, 17k)

‘What the actual fuck! He used to bully me in high school for being gay! Are you fucking—’

Terezi grabs your phone from you, needing it closer to make up for her appalling vision despite her fancy glasses, and her thumb slips over the screen. The tiny fire icon at the top of his bio fills in.

You both freeze. That’s not a favourite, not like pressing a button so you can come back to his profile later and stare at it while you consider messaging him. That’s a tap. He’s going to get a notification. You’re a fucking lurker, you don’t tap people, you tentatively message polite men back if you’re feeling brave and otherwise stare at pictures of guys you’re never going to date.

December: Double Trouble (Dave/Karkat/Latula/Mituna, NSFW, finished, 5k)

Karkat rolls his eyes and grabs Dave by the upper arm. Dave protests quietly and at length as Karkat drags him towards the smooth area that Mituna and Latula are skating on, but most of it is about the ethics of kidnapping a president so Karkat tunes it out in favour of keeping his focus on the ground under his feet. Dream bubbles sometimes throw unexpected things out there.

[teethfaerie]

Blood Red Luna: chapter 3

previous chapter: https://sunflower-dusk.tumblr.com/post/184445430787/blood-red-luna-chapter-1-homestuck-fanfic

You feel the card containing her phone number now, resting in your coat pocket. You didn’t need it anymore, simply hadn’t bothered to throw it out. Vampires, in a castle larger than life. You place your wet feet on the first stone step of the home.

“Rose. Spooky house in the middle of the woods generally isn’t a thing you should say ‘wow, let’s go inside!’ to.” For that last part, he raised his much lower voice into a poor impression of you, which irritates and amuses you just enough to make you climb the next step. He shivers and almost drops the now soaked jacket he’s raised over his head. He looks a mess- you suppose you likely do as well. But come on- vampires. You climb the final step and approach the huge wooden door. A massive brass handle is placed on the door. You raise your perfectly manicured hand.

“Rose, I swear to god-”

You grab it, and knock 3 times in robotic rhythm.

There’s no reaction. From behind you, you hear a sigh of relieve. Disappointing. Although, you suppose there wasn’t much to look forward to in the first place. Jade had alluded to vampires living there years ago. Vampires. For a moment, you criticize yourself for getting your hopes so high. It’s like Dave said; you’re not kids anymore. You’re adults, with things to do. You turn to him, and cast a teasing look in his direction, before cupping your hands around your mouth and breaking the silence of the night. In a mocking tone, you shout out, “P-please help me, I’m so lost and scared, and I have nowhere to stay for the night…” You turn to Dave on the lady statement, and pout, blowing an over dramatic kiss in his direction. Though distraught, he snorts, and mumbles, “I can barely see-“

He’s interrupted by a noise which makes your heart leap. You whip around. Dave gawks. The huge wooden door slowly swings open, and you feel heat rushing to your cheeks. Your heart is thumping against your chest, and just as a streak of lightning cracks across the night sky, a figure appears in the doorway.

Rain falls down on you, and you must squint to see the woman before you. Her hair is cut short, and frames her sculpted cheeks in a way which makes her look exotic. Your eyes find themselves lingering on her lips. Specifically, on what lies behind them.

She’s beautiful. But, more importantly- she’s got fangs. You raise a hand to your warm cheek. You’re staring into the red eyes of a vampire. More importantly, you’re standing about a foot away from a vampire.

You can’t look away. She finally speaks, breaking the nervous silence. Her voice seems to spill out, long and luscious. “Of course, you poor thing, you must be freezing.”

You realize that she’s rested a hand on your neck, and is staring at you with a certain desire. She seems to whisper the last statement, “You may stay as long as you need to recover from your ordeal.”

She’s leaning down. You feel paralyzed, embarrassed; and excited.

Suddenly, a bang from behind the open door pulls her away. Her brow creases with concern, and she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. Her pointed ear. Oh man.

“Please, do come in. We have food and a fire which I’m sure you’ll find very appealing.”

Her eyes land on Dave, who still stands frozen in the the rain. Her smile becomes amused.

“You too, of course. You look terrible.”

You can’t help but snort at the woman’s blatant behavior. You see Dave open his mouth to say something, only to come up dry. She gestures towards the door, and your eyes linger on the dimly lit interior. All victorian era furniture- just your style. “Follow me.” She enters. You follow tentatively, and Dave trails behind you. Just as you enter, he leans over to you, and hisses, “God damnit Rose, you walked up to this house in the rain on purpose.” You smile. The gorgeous crystal chandelier twinkles under the light, and you breathe out a quiet, “Maybe so.”

You hear your feel let out an awful squelch as you enter. Maybe you shouldn’t have abandoned your shoes back there- Oh my god, you must look a wreck. You glance up to see a wooden mirror reflecting a girl who’s soaked to the bone with rain, has black mascara running down her face, and is absolutely humiliating. Of all times to meet a vampire. Breaking you out of your trance is a gentle tapping on your shoulder. You look up to see another face smiling at you in the mirror. “I don’t believe I’ve gotten your name.”

You turn to meet her piercing eyes, which somehow still manage to carry a warmth to them. “M-my name is Rose.”

She extends a hand towards you, and you take it. Her hands, though cold, are so smooth. You feel giddy. She purrs out, “I see. My name is Kanaya Maryam. It’s a pleasure you meet you.” She then lifts your hand to her mouth, and lightly kisses it. Your breath catches. It feels like a butterfly landing.

[carmineclock]

Trace 11:30 AM

> Oh boy. Sure, news started to get around. Even one of your bosses got wind of it. That mixed with a wonder hangover and none of the adrenaline and euphoria of the previous day.. feels bad, man. You're cuddled up somewhere with your moirail, groaning loudly as you put your phone down. "Man, I'm probably in trouble." Sure, you could just keep pretending to not know anything, but that's probably gonna come biting you in the ass in one way or another.

Nepeta 7:32 PM

> You are perfectly content starting the new year by cuddling your...your fiancé? Wow. That's gay as hell. You don't think too much of it when he says he's in trouble just yet and simply kiss his nose. "Drank that much? I mean, me too. Not a party without, right?"

Trace 8:28 PM

"If only." > You drag a hand over your face, then bury your face somewhere into her side. Make this quick and painless, you think, and yet it takes you at least another minute to continue. "I killed Droog's daughter" you just say drily. You feel... accomplished. But not really proud. Definitely not a matter for celebrations, not only because it's an awful and dirty job, but also because you can sense a big mess still waiting for you to deal with.

Nepeta 8:34 PM

> You busy yourself with petting his head in the meantime. There, there. Must be one killer head ache. Maybe he got into some embarrassing shit while you weren't looking? Can't be too bad right? > Your hand immediately stops moving when he does finally speak up. "Haha... You what? That's a shitty joke to start the new year off with Trace." > Your short nervous laugh sounds almost hysterical in your ears. He didn't. He wouldn't. That's outrageously stupid. He would have told you.

Trace 8:38 PM

> You try to force a grin, but you're not really feeling it right now. "Not a joke." > Well, she doesn't seem very thrilled right off the bat, which is actually part of the reason you didn't tell her about any of this beforehand.

Nepeta 9:11 PM

> It's at that point that you gently push him off you to get a look at his face. "When? How? Why?" > Not thrilled doesn't even begin to cover it. You aren't quite sure if you are angry or sad. Betrayed? All of these? None? You want more facts before you start screaming.

Trace 9:41 PM

> When she pulls away, your heart sink. You sit up, a frown on your face. "Yesterday evening. Because Droog overstepped the mark one too many times." > You partially did this for her. Because of her. But you never really expected any gratitude. Yet, her reaction has you worried.

Nepeta 10:04 PM

"Which daughter did you kill?" > You know Droog has two daughters. You have to admit, you'd care a lot less about Kanayas possible death. You'd still be upset at him but..... He knows damn well that Aradia is close with your boyfriend. That only makes it worse.

Trace 10:42 PM

> Well, frankly, her boyfriend being so close with Crew was gonna be an issue sooner or later anyway. That's why dating anyone involved with them is a terrible idea LOOKING AT ALL OF YOU OTHER FELTS. "The sheep one. Aradia. She was expecting an early death already anyway."

Nepeta 10:57 PM

> HE'S NOT CREW THOUGH TRACE. Not yet. "Why. Do you...You realize what this means right? And you didn't...You didn't even tell me you were going to do this shit? You didn't even let me try to help.  You didn't...That's the whole point of being your Moirail and you didn't even tell me." > Your voice just keeps getting louder until you just sob.  That is not how you imagined to start the new year with your fiancé.

Trace 11:06 PM

> Oh. Oh no. This makes you feel worse than anything Scratch or anyone else might have in store for you. "Because it should have never involved you. I.. D- don't cry, please.." > You just sit there. Should you hug her? You want to, but.. you're kind of the reason why. Fuck.

Nepeta 11:44 PM

"But it does involve me! Of course it involves me! You did this because of me! Even if you didn't... I'm your Moirail. You should let me try to calm you down before you start a fucking gang war for me. Before you kill my boyfriend's Moirail for me. Before...Fuck! Fuck Trace! Why?"

Trace 11:52 PM

> You're honestly at a loss of words. This... this is not how this was supposed to go. At all. You didn't want to upset her, especially not that much. You open and close your mouth a few times to respond before you can get anything out. What are you even supposed to say. Sorry? That doesn't really feel right. "That's not what I wanted- I didn't think- I..."

January 3, 2019

Nepeta 12:06 AM

"Yeah. Yeah, you didn't think did you? Not even for a second, to consider my feelings. To consider talking to me. To consider trusting me." > You are still crying but you definitely switched to anger at this point. He really didn't think about you for a second, did he?

Trace 12:12 AM

"I- I did, but- fuck, I'm sorry." You can't help the tears at this point either. You deserve this, you know it. Obviously. But she didn't. Good job, Trace. You knew this was a stupid plan, but you've apparently been too blind with hate to realize just how stupid.

Nepeta 1:08 AM

"No you didn't. You thought about revenge. You thought about Droog. You did. Not. Think about me." > Yo take a deep breathe and wipe your tears away. Calm down. Don't yell now. "What was even the  point of proposing to me when you go and do shit like this behind my back? You kept this from me on purpose. There's going to be war Trace, and you didn't even tell me. Did you..Did you really think I'd be happy about this? Do you know so little about me?"

Trace 1:25 AM

> You run a hand up over your face and hair where you claw into your scalp. Just. Frustrated and desperate. You shut your eyes, to keep the tears inside, but also because you can't face her any longer. God, Trace, you idiot. "No, I... I knew you wouldn't, that's why.." you barely get out. "I fucked up. I know."

Nepeta 1:32 AM

"Then how? How can you dare to tell me this was for ME?" > You can't remember the last time you feel this betrayed.  Maybe it's a first. You've been mad at Trace before but this? This is something else. "What's the whole point of our relationship if you do shit like this Trace? Please? Please tell me."

Trace 1:42 AM

> Suddenly you're filled with fear. Is she- is she really doubting your relationship over this? "I- I love you.. and you never fail to make me feel better.." But you failed her, obviously. "Nepeta, please.." You choke and your voice cracks. "I'm.. I'm sorry."

Nepeta 1:49 AM

"No. No I obviously DO fail to make you feel better. If I didn't, you wouldn't have kept this from me. I would have talked you out of this, and we wouldn't be here." > He looks so pathetic. He regrets it, you can see that. But..That doesn't mean you can just forget this. It hurts you to see him like this, but even more so it makes you angry. You could have easily avoided this Trace. "A sorry isn't fixing this. Three hundred sorrys aren't fixing this. Just. Just go okay? And...And take these." > With that you throw your rings at him. A bit dramatic, but you can't bear looking at them right now. "Give them back to me when you really trust me. Then we can talk about marriage."

Trace 2:08 AM

> That hits you like a truck. Telling you to get out, sure, you had that coming. The rings - that utterly shatters your heart. Not just yours, Fin's too. Great, you didn't just ruin your own relationship, huh. > With shaky hands you collect the me rings, then hastily make your way out the door without another word, before you break down right there. Fuck. Fuck all of this. Fuck Droog. And especially fuck yourself. Fucking idiot. You retreat into your own room where you let everything out - cry, punch and muffle yourself in a pillow. You need a good while to calm down before you can spend even a single thought on how to do damage control for this whole thing. You're probably not gonna have the heart to tell Fin about the rings for now, either.

[thelifetimechannel]

The Dave and Dirk log, for obvious reasons, was something I wanted to try very hard to get right. That meant although we drafted it together via msparp, as was our custom, I ended up overhauling it way more than any of our other combo walkaround logs. A few chunks did survive the transfer, though.

In other news, we’ve made a solemn pact to finish TLC over winter break, which is good because I’m running out of bonus content. Hopefully we’ll have some assets to show off soon. I’ve already seen a few; they’re very nice.  

DIRK: Hey, dude. You did pretty well out there. DIRK: Didn't even die once. DAVE: twice in a day is my max im satisfied with keeping that record DAVE: even if getting machinegunned is rapidly becoming my "thing" DIRK: Seems we each have our respective "signature deaths". DIRK: Or at least it ain't a party until I get decapitated. That sure was something we needed to do again. DIRK: Just once, for old time's sake. DAVE: well that puts the nail in the meme coffin DAVE: any time you panic someones gonna tell you to keep your head on DAVE: like keeping your hair on except you know that shit aint going anywhere its probably shellaced DIRK: That shit is bolted to the floor. Did you know I walked around with a girly-ass pink tiara on my head this whole day and had no idea? DIRK: I had no idea. Couldn't feel a thing. DIRK: And people let me do that. DIRK: Can't fuckin' believe it. DAVE: oh DAVE: i figured you knew DIRK: I am less than pleased with my Skaia-ordained divine color scheme. DIRK: But I guess I have to live with it. It's part of the team aesthetic. DAVE: you could always change DIRK: Nah, with the tiara and tights ditched I have at least mitigated the enforced flamboyance. It's bearable. DIRK: I can't be the one dude out of uniform. Couldn't bear the shame. DAVE: my outfit is pretty sick ngl DAVE: sburb knows everyones secret desire is to have a cape DIRK: Unfortunately, mine isn't long enough to also make for a good tactical maneuver. DIRK: Not gonna lie, that was pretty funny. DAVE: if nothing else my attempts at combat can provide a source of humor in our lives DAVE: but honestly id be fine if my fighting days were over DAVE: i was never into it DAVE: rose on the other hand was obviously itching to beat people up DAVE: one of those 12 year olds who wants to get jumped in an alley to work out her suppressed anger DIRK: Maybe Skaia did make a few miscalculations in dumping your asses with your respective guardians. I think you'd get along well with Roxy and her cats, make her budget her time away from the alcohol. DIRK: ...in theory. DIRK: Rose can go a few rounds with me if she wants, we still need to sort out who has the rights to document our legendary journies. DAVE: ill plan your funeral DAVE: what kind of flowers do you want DIRK: ...there's different kinds? DAVE: damn thats right you grew up in waterworld DAVE: these choices matter DAVE: allegedly theres a thing called "flower language" DAVE: whether you can actually send someone a boquet telling them to meet you in the pit i dont know DIRK: Like, I get that, in theory, different kinds of flowers exist. But I fully anticipate any attempt on my part to conjugate in the language of said plants would end in my coffin declaring my hovercraft was indeed full of eels. DIRK: Maybe it'll have thorns on it. Or it'll be like the sixteen millions tons of green bullshit covering my land and making my nose itch. DAVE: probably DIRK: Worst case scenario, I'll pick out something orange and present to a prospective love interest and it'll mean something like "my brotherly passion for you knows no boundaries, and also no homo". DAVE: my bro wouldnt go for flower arranging DAVE: or pink tiaras DAVE: he was pretty uptight about the whole rah rah macho act DAVE: probably subscribed to alpha males weekly DAVE: which is weird considering DAVE: well DAVE: youre gay right DIRK: Uh. DIRK: Well. DIRK: My symbolic quest land is not covered in green bullshit, but I. DIRK: Happen to like watching birds, if you know what I mean. DIRK: Fuck, you probably don't know what that means. Jake and his goddamn thousand euphemisms. DAVE: cant say i do no DIRK: Nobody knows what it means but Jake. It's an old time epithet for being into dudes. DIRK: He knows all the old epithets, including some I suspect he made up. DAVE: so DAVE: thats a yes DAVE: in a roundabout way that includes birds DIRK: I've never denied it. DIRK: I'm just. DIRK: Not a huge fan of the word. Why, in this world post-society, do we need to confine ourselves to labels like "gay"? Such constraints were washed away from my world with the rest of the human race. DAVE: holy shit that was such a pretentious dodge DAVE: dont let rose hear you say that DIRK: Rose can hear all she likes. DAVE: but anyway DAVE: i wasnt asking to get up all in your business like SOME PEOPLE DAVE: who are so into getting into other peoples businesses theyre basically the fucking mafia or the irs DAVE: but DAVE: it explains some stuff DAVE: but on the other hand it doesnt DAVE: the way you raised me was kinda aggressively mainstream masculine enough that it wasnt something that ever seemed to come up as an option DAVE: [describe that type of culture and mindset better later, I KNOW what i mean but im tired rn lmao] DAVE: and anything outside of that id just brush off because it couldnt apply to me DAVE: and that went for pretty much everything that went against what you wanted for me DAVE: including that DIRK: And yet, here the man was, subconsciously shrieking his desire for floppy felt dong through, DIRK: What I guess you could call his art, for want of any other applicable word at all. God, the mental images are crawling up the insides of my skull like the Exorcist child, do I want to know? DAVE: probably not DAVE: guess trying to act peak male has its drawbacks DAVE: weirdly enough troll culture is obsessively hyperviolent but doesnt give a shit about sexuality DAVE: they dont see the difference most of the time i guess DAVE: and so like DAVE: maybe it rubs off on you because in some ways that kind of makes sense DAVE: but after so long its hard to know what i feel and what it means because i spent so long ignoring it DAVE: so i guess i was wondering DAVE: if you had anything that might help with that DAVE: or if youre also trapped in this whirling screaming maelstrom of bullshit DAVE: while kinsey sits in the eye of the storm laughing DIRK: Wait, wait, wait. DIRK: You're coming to me. DIRK: For advice. DIRK: Do you know what a laughable hurricane of disaster my interpersonal life has been? DIRK: Like, in a weird way, I'm kind of honored, especially since about five hours ago you were scared shitless to be around me, but. DIRK: I'm standing here and waving my credentials in the air just to display how I don't fucking have any. My degree is a sham and my hands are empty except for a crudely scribbled on piece of construction paper. DAVE: are you suggesting theres a gay university DAVE: where you study bird watching DIRK: Do I look like a man who's been to college? DAVE: fair DAVE: but like DAVE: your friends know DAVE: how did you broach the subject there DIRK: I might as well have been dating a Yoko Ono for the devastation it wreaked on our friend group, so yeah, it was a little hard to ignore. DIRK: Compounded by the fact some smartass from Gay University was using my social circle for romance geometry homework. DIRK: It wasn't even a love triangle so much as a love roundabout. DAVE: ok but thats just because you were a dipshit not a gay dipshit DAVE: they were chill about the first part right DIRK: Thanks. DIRK: I mean... Roxy always seemed disappointed. DAVE: luckily i dont think anyones waiting in line for me DAVE: i guess im blowing it out of proportion DAVE: i dont think anyone will MIND DAVE: no one did about rose and kanaya DAVE: didnt even question the vampire bit which goes to show what our lives are like these days DAVE: like ok our outfit has vampires now DAVE: thats a thing that we have DAVE: if i say oh hey i might be bisexual theyll just say sure pull up a chair at the acronym table DAVE: the only one who might be weird about it is john DAVE: but hed be just as weird if i told him id changed my favorite color hes just like that DAVE: the only person its really a big deal for is me DIRK: Jane was a little bit like that. I'm pretty sure the only reason she had to object was because she found out the day I made a move on her crush. DIRK: It might just be growing up in a household where you're not regularly fighting for your life, and thus what genders are kissing whom has the space to be higher on your priority list. DAVE: that aint anyones priority these days DAVE: im prepared to acknowledge the concept that hey maybe everyone elses lives dont revolve around me and my personal drama or self revelations might have some merit at least as a hypothesis DAVE: when i met kid english he kept going on about how i was the most important person and everyone else was side characters DAVE: and maybe ive acted like that sometimes DIRK: Yeah, like you alone are the one responsible for everyone around you. DAVE: and maybe ive acted like i think that way too sometimes DAVE: ive been wrong about people DAVE: people i care about people i shouldve known better DAVE: i was wrong because i wanted to believe things that matched how i wanted the world to be DAVE: things that made it easier for the story i was telling myself DAVE: i dont think kid english meant to call me on it but damn DIRK: Reality is, after all, something we construct for ourselves. DIRK: I think maybe I knew that all along when I surfaced for air inbetween shoving my head as far up my ass as it would go. DIRK: Or maybe that's just what I try to tell myself in hindsight. DAVE: well if it takes a hyperactive 12 year old version of the final bosss creepy hero worship of me to make a point i guess thats not the least subtle way the universe has sent me a message lately DIRK: You want unsubtle? Let me tell you about my damn planet quest. DAVE: haha DAVE: i didnt have to do much of my quest because im invisible DAVE: thanks mom DIRK: My denizen practically sat me down like it was my life coach and growled in my ear about improving my communication skills with a guy I told to go fuck himself not eighteen hours prior. DIRK: So while I'm glad SBURB has a vested interest in me repairing my friendships, playing electroshock death DDR with him was a little on the nose. DAVE: maybe getting shot again wasnt that bad DAVE: so weve all learned our life lessons good job team DIRK: Exactly. Can we wrap this up now? Can we please go rest? DIRK: I'm so exhausted I haven't even noticed I'm still hungover. DAVE: sure thing DAVE: but if i need tips on leaping out of a closet to intimidate passerby i might text you DIRK: I mean, I can try. As long as you don't ask me for dating tips. That, I definitely shouldn't be helping you with. DIRK: Go talk to your sister for that. DIRK: ...wouldn't she, by the transitive property of siblings, also be my sister? DAVE: yeah i guess DAVE: but theres no way in hell im asking rose for dating advice DAVE: on her first date which she refused to admit was romantically oriented she got wasted in anticipation forgot to show up and then fell down the stairs DIRK: Oh my god. DAVE: she tries to look like shes got her shit together but its a lie DAVE: if you find my corpse floating on lolar in the next few hours dont let the truth die with me DIRK: Why are we like this? DIRK: Is there actually something hardwired into our DNA that predisposes us to being disasters? DIRK: But, that aside. DIRK: I won't object if it's me you come to talk to. DAVE: ill hold you to it DAVE: and if you ever want to publicly you admit you DAVE: "enjoy birdwatching" DAVE: in less vague and evasive terms DAVE: ill have your back DIRK: Thanks.

[missfinefeather]

KARKAT: SOLLUX, WHERE DID YOUR BODY GO??? SOLLUX: hell if i kn0w. ARADIA: oh nooo :( KARKAT: WAIT A MINUTE. KARKAT: WAIT JUST A FUCKING MINUTE, WHERE'S... KARKAT: SHIT KARKAT: VRISKA'S BODY IS GONE TOO! 

...what is going on? 0.0

KARKAT: OH NO, WHERE'S GAMZEE KANAYA: He Took Them KANAYA: Look At The Trails 

OH FUCK!

Please tell me he’s just preparing them for the funeral! D:

KARKAT: HE SORT OF COLLECTS BODIES AND DECAPITATES THEM AND STUFF KARKAT: STICKS THEM IN BIG SCIENCE JARS, FOR SOME REASON?? KANAYA: Im Pretty Sure He Kisses Them Too Sometimes 

Oh god oh god oh god, this could be bad! D:

ROSE: It's just that with the clarity afforded by my new abilities, it occurred to me just now that dead horse was likely the beautiful pet pony my mother gave me recently. ROSE: It was crushed to death by your newborn ass. ROSE: You bastard. DAVE: well shit DAVE: thats a hell of a mystery no one thought was a mystery and didnt even really need solving 

Well, that was a revelation that needed to happen! 0.0;

[corvid-knight]

Tricksters Don't Cry

The aftermath of Rose and Kanaya's wedding as it impacts a certain pointy-shades idiot and British-sounding dork. In other words, why Dirk and Jake needs to learn to fucking talk to each other.

(Read it on ao3 here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12836904)

You have lost track of Jake.

 How in the hell did you manage that?

 You sigh, adjust your shades, and survey the wreckage of what was Rose and Kanaya's wedding. The party got...a little wild. Calliope brought one of her trickster lollipops (also known as "alien marriage love drug," also known as "something humans should have no part of"), with the result that you just spent an hour keeping Dave from molesting John, Karkat, and pretty much everyone else here. He's going to have some pretty heavy embarrassment when he finally comes down off it. He's halfway down now, actually, curled up on a chair with a bemused Karkat, hiccupping and giggling at the same time, both of them wrapped in Dave's cape.

 Jake. Focus, Dirk. When was the last time you saw Jake?

 Oh, yeah. Dave apparently decided he wanted to try out your boyfriend. The resulting smooch was...well, you really hated seeing it. Sometimes you're a jealous bitch. (You're off-topic again, and there is really no point in thinking about how you wanted to kill Dave for one short moment there. Seriously, stop thinking about how Jake made that little squeak that you thought he only did when you kissed him...)

 OFF-TOPIC, STRIDER. And painfully so.

 Okay, Dave kissed him. (And you are not thinking of that kiss at all.) Jake turned trickster...what the hell happened next?

 Oh. Yeah.

 Jake took off immediately, and before you could follow him Dave grabbed you and tried to stick his tongue down your throat. Which...yes, he is hot as hell...but genetically he is also your brother. Father. Whatever. The point is, you don't feel right having sloppy makeouts with him.

 Also, Karkat was watching. You'd prefer not to wake up one morning minus your head.

 So you fended Dave off. Then you kept him from overwhelming Karkat—trolls don't get the as much of the sugar-happy personality boost from trickster candy, and being semi-normal and on the receiving end of a trickster's attention can be dangerous unless you know what you're doing—and then you talked him out of going back in time and bringing back past-Karkat. One thing kept leading to another, and somehow you haven't had a Dave-free minute until now.

 So where the heck did Jake go? Usually, tricksters go straight to whoever they're in love with, and he's not here.

 (And yes. You know he might be with someone else right now. He probably is. It isn't like you and him are actually dating anymore. This line of thought hurts more than thinking about Jake kissing Dave.)

 Regardless of any of that, you still need to find him before he causes too much trouble. You just have no idea where to start.

 But, now that you think about it, you know someone who does.

timaeusTestified (TT) started pestering Arquiusprite^2 (ARQUIUS)

TT: Hal? TT: Look, I know we didn't part on the best of terms, but I could use a little help here. TT: Actually, let me rephrase that: I really need help. Please.

ARQUIUS: Wow, something I've never got out of you: "please." ARQUIUS: And seriously. It's ARquius. not Hal anymore.

TT: Okay then. TT: Arquius. TT: Is there any way I can convince you to use that vaguely defined spritely omniscience to see where Jake is?

ARQUIUS: ... ARQUIUS: Done.

TT: Um. TT: Could you, I don't know, tell me? TT: Please?

ARQUIUS: You must be really freaking out if you're being polite to me. ARQUIUS: I'll tell you where he is IF you tell me why you chose to call me instead of one of the other sprites.

 You sigh again, at that. Damn the AR and all the games he likes to play. Especially since they all seem to feature "Dirk confronting something he really doesn't feel like thinking about." Maybe the most annoying part about that is that you know it's probably because of some aspect of your own personality that you repress or some shit.

TT: Truthfully? TT: I hate asking for help, and asking you is only half a step removed from doing it myself. TT: Is that what you were hoping to hear?

ARQUIUS: Not really. I didn't really "hope" to hear anything to be honest. ARQUIUS: Although it does prove that you're still just as messed up as you were before we parted company.

TT: Thanks, Arquius. TT: Your aspersions on my mental state are exactly what I need right now. TT: This makes everything so much better.

ARQUIUS: Wow, set phasers to "sarcasm!"

TT: Arquius...

ARQUIUS: Okay, okay. ARQUIUS: I've marked his location on your GPS. ARQUIUS: Is that all you need?

TT: Yeah. : Thanks, Arquius.

timaeusTestified (TT) stopped pestering Arquiusprite^2 (ARQUIUS).

 It takes a little wandering around to figure out exactly where Jake is, even with the GPS. When you do finally realize that he's in Kanaya's closet, you have to roll your eyes. Here you are worrying about him, and he's probably in there making out with Aranea or something...

 But because you're both a paranoid idiot and a masochistic fuck, you open the door anyway.

 "Jake?" He hasn't got anyone in here. The light's off, and you flick it on to see him huddled in the far corner, hugging his knees to his chest. All you can really see is a mop of neon-green hair. "What are you doing?"

 "I don't want it." His voice is muffled because he doesn't raise his head, but he doesn't sound like he's all the way trickster. He still sounds almost normal. "Dirk, I'm sorry..."

 "Hey." You step all the way into the closet, shuttting the door behind you, and kneel next to him. "What are you talking about?"

 "This." He looks up, at you, and if you weren't so used to keeping all your reactions perfectly under control you'd have flinched. There are tears on Jake's face, pale green tears that look so, so wrong. "I...don't want to be this."

 "Jake, how..." Tricksters don't cry. It's not possible; one of the effects of the cherub candy is to basically turn off regrets, inhibitions, and almost every other negative emotion. But Jake's sitting in front of you, being impossible. "What's wrong?" Forget whether or not it's possible, actually. You just want it to stop. You can't stand seeing him in tears.

 You go to wipe the tears off his face, and stop when he flinches away. Okay, something is very wrong. You remember the last time he went trickster; he wanted to touch you, kiss you, wrap himself around you like a second skin.

 "Don't—" He shudders, hard, and scoots an inch farther away from you. "Dirk, I am barely holding on as things stand now. The trickster...it wants me to give in...so much."

 You didn't know it was possible to fight off being trickster, but then again there's a lot you don't know about it. You're not even totally sure why you only go halfway when you turn, why your mind stays the same. Actually, yeah you are: as a Prince of Heart, you have the ability to rule your self, to stay under control no matter what happens. And you guess...since Jake's a Page of Hope, he can do whatever he believes he can.

 Watching him shudder, watching the tears roll down his face, you are pretty fucking sure that that is not a good thing.

 "Jake." He was avoiding your eyes; now his gaze snaps to your face. "Just let go. It's okay."

 "N-no—"

 "Why the fuck not?" You bite down on your tongue. The last thing he needs is to know how much he's hurting you. How much you still care, how much you still love him.

 "Y-you." He lowers his head again and starts rocking back and forth. "I want you, I know I want you, and I-I-I..."

 "Oh, Jake..." He's putting himself through this because he doesn't want to get back together with you.

 "I'm sorry." That's muffled, but you can hear it just fine. "So—so sorry..."

 "Stop. Just stop, okay?" You grab his shoulders, trying not to wince at his panicked gasp. He tries to curl into a tighter ball, but you don't let him. "Look. I can go away. Leave you alone until it wears off so you don't do anything you don't want to—"

 "Please—no!" Having your hands on him is like touching a live wire, he shaking so hard. "Don't, don't leave me, I'm s-s-sorry..."

 Oh, god.

 He thinks you don't love him anymore.

 "I'm sorry. D-Dirk, I—"

 "Shh." You let go of him for one second, just long enough to slip your shades off and lay them on one of the shelves. "No. This is fine. I'm fine with this, Jake." When he looks up, you kiss him, closing your eyes so you don't have to see how teary his are.

 You can handle being trickster. You hate it, it's depressing as hell, but it's not going to hurt you like fighting it is hurting Jake.

 As soon as your lips touch his, Jake goes utterly still. He makes a noise that's either a soft cry of "no" or a moan—you can't tell which.

 You can't feel the change in your head yet. Going trickster isn't going to completely change you like it does everyone else, but you should be able to feel it.

 Jake whimpers into your mouth, gasps, and pulls away just enough to throw his arms around you, knocking you off balance. You barely manage not to topple over as he buries his face in your shirt.

 "What—" His hair. It's not green anymore. For some reason, kissing him turned his trickster off instead of turning yours off. "Jake. It's okay."

 You can't even tell if he heard you. He's clinging to you as if you're the only thing keeping him from falling, breathing too deep and too fast.

 "It's okay. You're okay." If he keeps that up he's going to pass out. "Jake, you need to calm down..." You stroke his hair, a little slower than the rhythm of his breath.

 "I love you," he whispers into your shirt, so quiet you barely hear it.

 And you almost freeze up, because that is literally all you want. You've been telling yourself that you're fine without him, fine just being friends, but you can only lie to other people. Not yourself. You want Jake more than you want to stay alive, and he just said that he still loves you.

 "I love you too." It's inadequate, but it's all you can say. "I love you too, Jake."

 He takes a deep, halfway-calm breath. And then he starts to really cry. You catch a few almost-coherent words, but they don't make sense.

 He cries onto your shirt, and you stroke his hair, you rub his back and make soft shushing noises and wait. Eventually, Jake's sobs taper off and stop. But he doesn't loosen up his grip on you.

 "You okay?" you ask softly.

 He finally raises his head to look at you. "I missed your eyes," he says. "I thought everything was just dandy, but as soon as the trickster popped up all the little things I miss about you added up and I—"

 "Hey, it's okay. It's okay." He's about to start crying again, you can tell. "I'm right here, you don't have to miss me, and I'm not going anywhere."

 Jake takes a deep breath, and finally lets you go. "I'm making a lovely fool out of myself, aren't I?"

 "You got that half right—you're definitely lovely." When he goes red—he never could take a compliment—you continue, "You just managed to shake off the influence of cherub candy without doing…well, anything trickster-like. I'd say that was the opposite of making an fool out of yourself."

 He shudders. "I don't want to ever do that again."

 "Hey, next time just come find me. I'm totally down for going down on you."

 "Dirk!"

 "Or vice versa."

 "Dirk!"

 You weren't aware that Jake was capable of turning that shade of red. "What, you're telling me you didn't want to?"

 "I—I just—no! I mean yes—I mean..." As Jake's stammering, the closet door opens. He freezes, blushing a few shades deeper still.

 You look over your shoulder. "Hey, Kanaya." Yes, this is embarrassing. No, you don't let it show. "You want us to relocate?"

 Kanaya sighs. "You two," she says sternly, "just cost me two weeks worth of making dinner for Rose. I need a shirt off that shelf behind you, Jake."

 "Uh—" Jake just stares at her, so you reach behind him and pull something off the shelf. Maybe it's a shirt, maybe not, but you toss it to Kanaya, and she catches it.

 "Are we good?" you ask her.

 "Of course, although I would have liked it if you could have waited another week. This door has a lock; keep that in mind if you feel like having a bit more privacy." She winks at you—did you really just see that?—and steps back out of the closet, shutting the door behind her.

 You stare after her for a minute, then turn back to Jake. He still looks embarrassed, but now there's a substantial amount of bewilderment thrown in. "Did she," he asks carefully, "did she and Rose have a wager on for if we'd get back together?"

 "I think it was for when we'd get together, actually," you tell him. "Not if."

 He opens his mouth. Closes it again. And bursts out laughing. You don't see why, but watching him laugh is enough to get you to smile at least.

 He's still laughing when he reaches forward, grabs your head, and pulls you in for another kiss.

 Having him laughing is a thousand times better than having him in tears.  Having him of his own mind versus having him in trickster mode...

 Well. There is no comparison whatsoever.

 And you are more than happy to kiss him back.

[birriabirria]

homestuck: don’t want candy

AU: SPECIES SWAP, ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP SHIP: DIRK/KARKAT RATING: MATURE WARNING: POSSIBLY OOC NOTES: TRICKSTER MODE

Dirk raised his sword. He was at the training room. Even after everything, he still had to keep his skills. He came at the training robot, swinging his sword down. The robot brought it's sword up to block him but Dirk crouched. The sword swept above his horns. They'd grow back when cut off but dodging honed his reflexes.

Dirk jumped to his feet, swinging up. He struck the robot on the torso. The scoreboard added a point to him. It was 7-4 with the robot having the lead but Dirk wasn't upset. He didn't build the robot to be easy. He kept advancing and the robot matched him hit for hit.

'DIRK!!!!' A voice rang out.

Dirk turned away. Was that Karkat? The robot hit him on shoulder. It connected. 8-4. Dirk grunted in pain. He ninja sped back. He raised his hand. The robot lowered its swords, hands to its sides. 'DIRK!!!!' That was Karkat's voice.

'I'm over here!' Dirk called out.

A figure appeared on the doorway. They were floating. Dirk blinked. Karkat was in front of him. Dirk stilled, grip on his sword tightening. Karkat's hair was pink with two cherries on the step on it. He was wearing a cherry blossom pink sweater, deep pink miniskirt and red stockings. He was floating which shouldn't be possible because he didn't ascend to god tier and he was grinning which never happened.

'DIRK!!!!' Not-Karat said sweetly. Dirk stepped back. 'I FOUND YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!' Not-Karkat said eagerly.

'I love you too,' Dirk answered automatically. 'What the fuck happened to you? What the fuck are you wearing?' he asked in disbelief.

Not-Karkat giggled. Dirk shivered in terror. It would have been cute but not this time. Not-Karkat tucked his legs under him slightly, held his arms behind his back and leaned forward. 'YOU DON'T LIKE IT?' His legs unfolded. 'I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT!!!!' He said eagerly. Dirk's eyes dipped down.

Red stockings and there was a section of skin showing. Dirk thought about the troll anime he watched. _Absolute territory._ 'It is pretty nice,' Dirk managed to say. It was if it wasn't for the honestly fucking terrifying grin on his face.

'THEN CAN I GET A KISS?' Not-Karkat asked. Dirk would be happy to give him one. In any other situation but this. Not-Karkat swooped down. Dirk tensed. His other hand automatically moved down to support Karkat's ass. Not-Karkat had wrapped his legs around him. His face was right there.

Not-Karkat leaned forward to kiss him. Dirk craned his head back. Not-Karkat tried to kiss him and Dirk managed to dodge each one. He turned his head. The kiss landed on his cheek. Dirk put his sword back into his Specibus. He steadied Not-Karkat. 'I WANT A KISS BUT THIS IS GOOD TOO!!!!' Not-Karkat said excitedly. He peppered kisses on Dirk's face. Dirk closed his eyes, eyebrows furrowed. This would have been nice, he would have liked this but this had to stop.

'Can you please get off me?' Dirk asked, desperation in his voice.

'BUT I WANT A KISS!!!!' Not-Karkat answered.

Dirk's eyebrows furrowed further in thought. 'If you get off me, I'll give you a kiss,' he managed to say.

Not-Karkat's face lit up. He unwrapped his legs from Dirk's torso, floating in place. 'A KISS!!!! A KISS!!!!' he said excitedly. He closed his eyes, waiting eagerly.

Dirk ninja sped backwards. 'Maybe later, Karkat. After everything is over,' he said. He turned on his heel and ran.

After a few minutes Not-Karkat opened his eyes. He gasped then looked around. 'DIRK!!!!' He pouted. 'I WANT A KISS!!!!' Not-Karkat gave chase. Dirk ran down the hall. 'DIRK!!!! COME BACK!!!!' Not-Karkat called out. 'DIRK!!!!' Not-Karkat said. Dirk's eyes widened. He was close! _How the fuck did that happen._ Not-Karkat swooped down. Dirk crouched quickly then sprang up. The curve of his horns hit Not-Karkat's torso.

'Sorry, Karkat,' Dirk murmured. He kept running. He ran faster. He ran to his room and locked the door quickly. He could hear Not-Karkat's voice came closer and closer. He banged on the door. 'I JUST WANT TO KISS YOU!!!!' he said. 'DIRK!!!!' Not-Karkat shouted. He kept banging on the door. Dirk stepped back. He found some sound-canceling headphones and settled on the chair by his workstation. Not-Karkat kept banging on Dirk's door but Dirk didn't hear it.

Hours passed. Dirk spun around on his chair. He lifted an ear cup. Complete silence. Dirk stood up. He inched slowly towards the door. He stared at it warily. He opened it and peeked out. Oh thank fuck, it was finally over.

Karkat frowned. He cracked his eyes open then slammed it shut. He groaned. He turned his head, burying his face into it. It was soft and warm. 'Dirk?' he managed to say.

'Right here,' Dirk said from above him.

'What the fuck was that,' Karkat mumbled.

'Don't know,' Dirk replied.

'Where am I?' Karkat asked.

'In my room, in my lap,' Dirk answered.

So that was Dirk's shirt and chest, he buried his face into and it was Dirk's bicep his head was leaning on. 'You still want to around me after that?' Karkat asked in disbelief.

'It wasn't your fault,' Dirk said, 'what happened?'

'Urgh, I don't really fucking know,' Karkat mumbled. 'There was this lollipop that Jack gave me. I took it out and licked it.'

'You licked it just like that? You're more careful than that,' Dirk said.

'I *know*!' Karkat said, 'I didn't want to but I had to. It-' he scrunched up his nose, 'made me. I *know* that it sounds bullshit but that's what it felt. I had to lick it. I don’t even know why I took it out!'

'If you have to lick something, I got something you can lick,' Dirk said.

Karkat smiled. 'I would be angry at you for even thinking that but at this point, I'll take it.'

'I was two-thirds joking,' Dirk admitted.

'I know,' Karkat said. He closed his eyes. 'Why does my head hurt?' he complained.

'I trolled Rose and she said that this is what Kanaya says is a "hangover",' Dirk explained.

'It *feels* like a hangover,' Karkat muttered.

'Do you remember anything?' Dirk asked.

'I remember feeling really happy and even floaty. Whatever I was worried about didn't matter anymore.'

'I could see that. You were grinning and you even giggled.'

Karkat made a disgusted face. 'So that's why my face hurts,' he muttered. Dirk smiled. 'Can I stay here for a while?' Karkat asked quietly.

'You can stay here as long as you want,' Dirk replied. Karkat closed his eyes. Dirk started to purr. Karkat smiled. He enjoyed the rumble and slipped into sleep.

He opened his eyes. He didn't know what time it was but it didn't really matter. Dirk had reclined his chair back and Karkat was still on his lap. He put his cheek on Dirk's chest. Dirk had taken off his shades and his eyes were closed. 'You awake?' Karkat whispered.

'Yeah,' Dirk mumbled. His eyes opened. The orange was bright against his grey skin. Karkat leaned up. He kissed the underside of Dirk's jaw.

'Sorry about scaring you,' Karkat said softly.

'I’ll take it,' Dirk replied, 'you miniskirt and stockings were cute but fuck, that grin was terrifying. Why was such a good outfit wasted on something that terrible.'

Karkat snorted. 'It was pretty cute and I knew you'd like it. Maybe I can wear something like that. If I can deal with the flashbacks.'

'You're definitely not doing that,' Dirk said. He leaned down. He kissed the top of Karkat's blond head. Karkat looked up at him surprised. 'I promised I'd kiss you after everything was over,' Dirk explained.

Karkat smiled. He leaned up and kissed Dirk's cheek. He leaned back. 'I have to go, I'm hungry.'

'Me too,' Dirk said. Karkat got of his lap, brushing his pale blond hair from his face. Dirk sat up and they both walked out of the room.

[homeiswherethestuckis]

Costumes

*Busts through the door two whole weeks late carrying Starbucks* Hello!  I am here and I brought a (belated) Rosemary for my bud @ironbubble!!!

I am so so so sorry this took so long, I really don’t have an excuse, but the important thing is that it’s done now and that you hopefully like it! 

(one of the costume ideas was suggested by @rainbowcloversandwhalechickens and I am so thankful for the help with that thank you)

Kanaya's hand is warm in yours as you walk down the crowded street together.  She leans in closer to you.  You can smell the late breakfast you'd shared on her breath.  Coffee, french toast, fruit, all lingering undertones beneath the strong scent of her mint toothpaste.  

You look at her over your shoulder and smile.  The weather's getting colder, and her nose and cheeks are tinged green from the chill.  Kanaya's eyes, yellow-green and bright, meet yours and she smiles at you, exposing her fangs.

God, she's so beautiful.  

You stumble slightly, but you manage to regain your footing without any trouble.  You don't even have to break eye contact with your wife.

Kanaya laughs.  "Shouldn't you watch where you're going?"  She asks.

"I don't need to, I know exactly where I'm going, Kanaya."  That's not entirely true, but you're less than a block away from the shop at this point and don't need to pay as much attention to where you're going.  Besides, you much prefer the view from behind you.

"Your unsteady footing says otherwise."  Kanaya points out.  

"My footing would have been unsteady regardless."

"Oh?"  She raises an eyebrow quizically.  "And why is that?"

"Because, Kanaya my love," you reply, trying to keep a straight face, "I can't help falling for you."

This is by far not the corniest thing you've ever said, but it's enough to make Kanaya clap a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter.

"So is that what we're doing now?"  She asks once her laughter subsides, "pick up lines?"

"Yes."

"In that case, keeping you from falling should be easy, considering you are quite the catch."

That one makes you snort.  "Well played."

"Thank you."

You stop short without warning, causing Kanaya to nearly bump into you.  Before that can happen, you take her by her free arm and pull her into a kiss.  

Her mouth tastes like coffee and toothpaste, just as you'd expected it would.  Her lips are just as sweet as always, albeit a bit on the sticky side.  If they were just a little stickier, you think you would have a hard time parting your lips from hers.  Actually, you wouldn't really mind that.  

The thought of being glued to Kanaya like that makes you giggle helplessly into her mouth.  One of her fangs grazes your lip as hers upturn in a smile.

It's nice.  

Kissing your wife is always nice.  

Her mouth isn't quite sticky enough to keep you there, but it is sweet enough to linger.  You pull away from her slowly, taking the opportunity to bite her bottom lip.  She chuckles softly and nips right back at you.  

"We're here."  You gesture towards the shop you're both standing in front of.

Kanaya tears her eyes away from your face to follow your hand.  

"Rose."

"Yes?"

"This is a costume shop."

"That's an astute observation, Kanaya."  You nod.  "It is indeed a costume shop."

She elbows you in the arm for that one.  "Halloween was near two weeks ago, so what are we doing here?"

"Halloween may have been two weeks ago, but we still have a costume party to attend next week."  You reply.  "Come on."

You start walking into the shop, dragging Kanaya with you.  "I thought we were simply going to wear our Halloween costumes again for the party."

"Yes, that did seem like a much more sensible option.  However, after thinking it over, I thought it would be more fun if we chose completely new costumes for the occasion."

Kanaya taps her finger against her chin thoughtfully.  "New costumes..."

She surveys the shop slowly, as if the decor will help her decide if this is a good idea.  You really wouldn't mind if she chose to stick with the costumes you already have.  There's nothing wrong with them, truth be told you simply wanted to try on costumes with Kanaya.  If she would rather do something else, then that's perfectly fine, you're okay with doing whatever as long as you're doing it with her.

"Yes."  She finally says.  "New costumes sounds good, I like that idea.  So what did you have in mind?"

What did you have in mind?  "Well, I was thinking we should go with something more classic this time around, considering how everyone else always seems to dress as pop culture icons."

"Which is a bit pointless, considering it is the popular parts of a culture that no longer exists."  Kanaya adds.  "It's been an entire human year and I still have no idea what a ghost buster is."

"We've watched that movie at least three times, Kanaya."  You chide as you begin to sift through costumes for something to work with.  "Honestly, at this point I think you just like claiming you don't understand the movie to mess with John."

"It is funny listening to him try to explain the film in simpler and simpler terms every time I mention it."  She agrees.  She comes over and joins you, combing her fingers through the hanging fabrics in search of something that will catch her eye.  "So yes, in that respect I suppose I am willfully misunderstanding the movie."

"I don't blame you," you admit as you drag a costume off the hanger, "I lost interest in those movies once we encountered actual ghosts.  What do you think of this one?"

"What is that?"  Kanaya takes a step back so she can take in the entire costume you're holding.  "A witch?"

"Yes."  You're honestly not sure, none of the costumes here are actually labeled.  It does happen to bear a striking resemblance to Jade's god tier outfit, though.  "I could go as a witch, and you could go as a vampire."

"Oh."  Her shoulders slump a bit.  "So we're not doing a couple's costume?"

"What part of that didn't sound like a couple's costume?"

She shakes her head at you.  "Nevermind.  I understand the witch, but where did this vampire idea come from?"

"Transylvania, if I'm not mistaken."  You add quickly, "Obviously you don't have to be a vampire if you don't want to.  I understand if that seems a little like hitting the nail on the head."

"Driving the stake in the chest, more like."  Kanaya rolls her eyes.  "Of course, if you're really invested in this vampire and witch costume idea, then you could always be the vampire and I could be the witch."

You shrug.  Why not?  "You got me there, Kanaya.  You are quite bewitching."  You toss her the costume you'd picked out, and she catches it easily.  You return to the rows upon rows of disorganized costumes.  "Would you mind helping me look for something to go try on?"

She folds the costume over one arm and begins the search with you once more.  "You know," she says quietly, leaning in close to your ear.  You can feel her warm breath on your skin, "as much fun as getting into costumes is going to be, I think the best part is going to get you out of it again."

Your breath is caught in your throat and you can feel heat spreading across your face all the way over to the back of your neck and your ears.  She nibbles at your burning ear before she pulls away, and you fight off the urge to shiver.

Kanaya's laughing beside you, and you swat at her with the sleeve of one of the costumes.

"You're terrible, Kanaya."  You laugh.  Her laugh is so infectious you can't help yourself.

She's practically shaking with how much she's laughing.  "Your face is so red!"

"Of course my face is red, Kanaya, that was so unexpected!"  

You should probably be more concerned about the fact that you're both laughing like idiots in the middle of a costume shop.  You really should, but you don't.  Instead you're freely laughing along with Kanaya while your face cools.  

Eventually, all laughter subsides and you're both left breathless and leaning on one of the shop's many costume filled racks for support.  Just one look over at Kanaya's face almost makes you start back up again.  

"I didn't realize," you manage to choke out instead, "that sort of talk was on the table.  If I had known we were going to get so explicit than I would have mentioned y-"

Your mouth is sealed by your wife's warm palm.  "Rose, no.  Please.  You and I both know you don't have a filter when it comes to this."

You stay silent, but raise an eyebrow.

"Don't look at me like that, Rose.  Your mouth got us kicked out of pottery class."

You try to think of something, anything, to counter this.  But...she has you there.  

"Whatever you were going to say in retaliation, can you hold onto it until we leave?"

You roll your eyes but nod in agreement.  Kanaya slowly peels her hand away from your mouth, careful to make sure she can still cover it in case you decide that now is actually the best time to say your piece, after all.  

Luckily for Kanaya, that's not the case.  No, you're going to hang on to this bit until you are far out of anyone's earshot.  

Her hand cautiously returns to her side and she watches you warily, just to make sure.  You watch her hand twitch as you clear your throat.  

"We're back to corny puns now."  You say.

"Okay."  She relaxes.  "That I can do."

"But can you do it while searching for a costume?"  You reply.  "Now that's the real question."

"Rose, my love, light of my life," Kanaya says, "there's not a doubt in my mind that I can."

You both search around through rack after rack of assorted costumes, but you can't seem to find anything that even roughly resembles a vampire costume.

"Well," you sigh, "it appears my plan of joining the ranks of the undead were doomed from the start."

Kanaya shakes her head sadly.  "Isn't that always the way."

"I suppose I'm going to have to pick something else to go as now."  You worry your lower lip as you try to think of what you could be.  You weren't completely invested in being a vampire, but since it was all that you were searching for you didn't give anything else much thought.

"Well, there's always a couple's costume."  Kanaya responds.  "We could both be witches."

You look at Kanaya.  Her face is completely serious, or as serious as a face gets when discussing having the same costume.  "Are you sure? I could always look for something else.  A ghost, perhaps."

If you went as a ghost you would just have to buy some contacts to make your eyes appear completely white and then wear whatever you wanted.  That wasn't too bad of an idea.

But then again, Kanaya seems pretty vehement about you dressing up as a witch with her....

Given those two options and what you know will make your wife happy, this isn't a tough decision.  In fact, it's already made before you even think about it.

"Being a witch sounds fun."  You grin.

Kanaya smiles back.  "And it definitely explains how you have me so spellbound."

You and Kanaya go about scouring the shop once more, this time for anything resembling a witch costume.  It's fifteen minutes before Kanaya finds something that resembles the costume you'd handed to her earlier.  

You hold it up and give it a quick once over.  "Perfect."

Locating the fitting rooms proves to be a much easier task than finding the actual costumes you wanted to try on.  Kanaya takes the room next to yours so you can both continue to talk while you're trying them on.

"So here's a question," you say as you start undressing, "are we any specific witches in particular, or are we just two witches?"

"I've been giving that some thought."  Kanaya's voice sounds slightly muffled due to the dividing wall.  You lean against it while you change in order to hear her better.  "And I was thinking, wasn't there a pair of witches you were rather fond of in Harry Potter?  What were their names?"

"Ginny and Luna?"  

"Yes, that was them."  

"Hm."  You consider it.  "Yeah, I think we could do that."

"Great."  You hear Kanaya knock against the wall.  "That just leaves one final question.  Who's who?"

"I think," you say carefully, "I should be Ginny, and you should be Luna."

"That was a quick reply.  Is there any particular reason for that?"

"Because your name may not actually be Luna, but you do know how to love good."

You are greeted by silence on the other side of the wall.  After a few stifling seconds of this, you raise your fist and knock on it.

"Kanaya?"

"Rose, I don't remember much about those books, but I remember enough to know that that was terrible."

"Yes, because every pun you've made today wasn't."  You reply sarcastically, rolling your eyes.  "Have you taken a look in the mirror yet?"

"No, not yet."  Kanaya admits.  "I was too busy talking to you."

That makes you smile.  You press your cheek against the wall.  You think you can feel Kanaya's presence behind it.  "We should both look."

"Yes, we should."

You turn to face the mirror, which you previously had your back to.

Oh.

You're not sure what you were expecting, but it certainly wasn't...

that.

"Hey, Kanaya?"

"Yeah?"  She calls back to you.

"We can't buy these."

"Oh, good."

"So yours is the same?"  You inquire.

"If you don't want to buy it for the same reason I do, then yes."

"There's only one way to find out, then, isn't there?"

You leave your changing room and knock on Kanaya's door.

She pulls it open, and everything is just as you'd expected.  Same issue.  It clearly doesn't need to be addressed, but-

"I look like I'm cosplaying Jade."

Something about that sentence sets Kanaya off again, and she starts laughing.  "I suppose that's what we get for trying to dress in her god tier."

"Yeah," you agree, "it really is."

Neither of you can seem to stop laughing as you change back into your normal clothes and exit the changing room.

"So what are we to look for now?  Kanaya asks.  She takes your costume from you.

You shrug.  "At this point we simply go back to looking like we were before.  Are you still up for that?"

She nods.  "I'll join you once I find somewhere to put these."

She walks away, and you begin sifting through costumes once more.  At this rate, you're probably just going to end up wearing what you wore for Halloween.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but that also means you just essentially wasted a day searching through costumes you won't ever wear.  

"Rose!"  Kanaya yells excitedly to you.

You abandon your search and run over to Kanaya.  "What is it?"

She's practically beaming as she gestures at some costumes on the rack next to her.  "Look what I found!"

It takes you a moment to discern just what the fuzzy black and brown costumes are supposed to be.  "Bats?"

"Rose,"  Kanaya cups your face in your hands and stares intently into your eyes, "I am so fucking batty for you."

You try your hardest not to react, but it only lasts a second.  You can't do it, not with her staring at you and saying something like that so seriously.  It's impossible to keep from smiling.  "Well shit, I guess we have to buy them."

You buy the bat costumes and exit the shop hand in hand, just as you entered.  Once you're back on the sidewalk, Kanaya starts to pick up the pace.

"To prevent a certain girl from turning around and falling for me yet again, I think I should take the lead this time."

That reminds you.  "Kanaya, my dear, sweet love bug, there was something I wanted to tell you."

"Yes?"  She laughs as she turns to face you.  

The sun is behind her.  It's playing in her hair and gleaming dully off her horns.  She's smiling at you.

She's so dazzlingly bright, she's hard to look at.

And yet you can't stop.

She's so beautiful.

You think your heart just missed a beat.  Your foot, a step.  

"It can wait."

[landofsomethingsomething]

with the topic of marriage coming up on that last ask how would the proposal go

For davekat I have like 1,000 different scenarios in my head for it so this is by no means my be all end all hc for this but I always liked THAT ONE ROMCOM TROPE, WARNING THIS ENTIRE THING IS TROPEY AS HELL of them independently deciding It’s Time around the same time, and then stealthily trying to figure out the method on their own. Karkat would agonize over it, poring over human cultural material and quizzing kanaya relentlessly on how her and Rose’s proposal went down, how she felt, throwing ideas at her, referencing movies and romantic novels and all of it, while Kanaya just kind of sits there bemused like Karkat. I get this is important. But it’s almost kind just a formality because the answer is a given?? You know Dave he doesn’t need much I think you’re way overthinking this please stop pacing back and forth because your pacing is making me want to pace and I’m nebulously anxious just watching you ._. 

And Dave is just kind of like. Flippant about it externally to people. He drops it as a joke when Karkat isn’t around obviously to people to gauge their reactions in a “safe” way like haha what if I just dropped the question unceremoniously in the middle of some totally inappropriate place obviously I won’t I’m not even thinking about that OBVIOUSLY but wouldn’t it be funny if. And everyone is increasingly suspicious, Dirk is carefully like oh yeah, that would be… hilarious … totally, and roxy is like no you need to make it shittier and more ironic and lavishing ideas for this totally not actually going to happen but everyone knows dave is actually thinking about it proposal

They kinda sneak around it gathering opinions from their friends and family until basically EVERYONE knows this is coming any time now, one of them just has to break, everyone is dropping smug hints and anticipating the moment. Dave nad Karkat are getting increasingly nervous because they’ve now built this up into this big production in both their heads and are terrified of messing it up and meanwhile they’ve kind of been avoiding each other and each one is kind of worried about what THAT means from the other person because they can’t fathom the thought that the other one is doing the exact same thing they are

So finally Karkat is probably the one that breaks first and he sets up this whole romantic date night and dave is a fucking Idiot that can’t put together what this is leading up to because he’s too preoccupied by his own shitty plans and he spends the whole amazing heartfelt well put together date totally distracted and barely experiencing it at all and Karkat is kind of upset and like hey if this is totally awkward and sucks can you please just tell me so that I can call this off instead of enduring the excruciating reality of it a second longer than necessary, I knew this was way too much, god, Kanaya TOLD me this was way too much I am such an idiot!!!! 

and dave is like ??????????? no dude I’m just distracted by my own illogical existential terror sorry I’m shitting up your night, and Karkat puffs up all idignantly like ABOUT WHAT???? what could you possibly be existentially terrified by right now what the fuck is going on??? b/c he’s thinking about how weird and distant they’ve been and half worried Dave is about to like actually break up with him or something catastrophic and Dave is fiddling around with the ring in his pocket and is finally just like well fuck it if I wait another second to do this I’m going to die so sorry this is so shitty but uhhhhhhhh do you want to like???? and he pulls out this ring and Karkat is just GOBSMACKED

like are you fucking joking you spent this entire elaborate lead up I worked on spaced out because you were too preoccupied with how you were gonna do it to notice that I was in the PROCESS OF CONDUCTING MY OWN??? 

and dave is like oh…………………………………………shit and all the lights click on and he’s like oh god I ruined everything TWICE, incredible, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I could possibly ruin everything about this moment from BOTH SIDES SIMULTANEOUSLY holy shit and he’s just kind of standing there and he puts the ring back in his pocket and Karkat is wait what are you doing, I’m pretty sure that’s mine, are you rescinding your offer???? and dave is like wait are you accepting it??? 

and Karkat is like JESUS CHRIST that’s it

we’re starting this over

none of this ever happened

and he takes a deep breath and takes out his OWN ring and gets down on one knee and does the whole thing and Dave starts nervous-laughing halfway through but Karkat grits his teeth and pushes on and asks the question

Dave is just like in this southern belle accent, why mr vantas this is just all so sudden, I don’t even have permission from my family, what WILL my mother say??? and he pulls a very bewildered Karkat up back onto his feet just so he can swoon into his arms all theatrically and is like I guess we’ll just have to run off together and elope! I hope we can find an understanding minister somewhere out there….

Karkat figures out this is just some human bullshit and is deadpan like so that’s a yes. And dave drops the accent and is like uhhh yeah. yeah dude. very yes. And Karkat just melts with relief and is like oh thank fuck and they kiss a bunch and never ever ever ever ever tell anyone the whole truth about how it all actually went down and people needle them and speculate for months but nope, no one needs to know how terrible they are, thanks.

[bronzeflower]

Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

Also on ao3

-----

Chapter 8: Get In Loser. We’re Going Shopping.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] --

CG: ERIDAN. I’M OUTSIDE YOUR HIVE. CG: OPEN THE FUCK UP SO I CAN TAKE YOU SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES SUITABLE FOR A FUNCTIONING PERSON.

CA: all right all right CA: theres no need to yell kar

CG: THERE IS ALWAYS A NEED TO YELL. CG: NOW GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE.

“Finally! It took you long enough!” You yell as soon as Eridan manages to get his ass out of his hive.

“You didn’t even have to wait for that fuckin long, Kar.”

“I know. I just like complaining. Now get in the fucking car, loser. We’re going shopping.”

“Who’s that friend of yours who’s comin with us anyway?” Eridan asked. “I certainly hope he has a better fashion sense than you.”

“Eridan, if you get your head out of your ass for a single moment, then you would be able to inform me of how much of a fashion disaster you are. At least I know something about how to look good because of Kanaya. All you do is throw on shit and hope you look rich.”

“I am rich.”

“I know! That’s why it’s even worse! Half the shit they sell to rich people you can get for two bucks at the thrift store. If you have money, at least make good use of it.”

“I do make good use of it though.”

“Buying a different high-quality cape for every day of the week is not a good use of your money. And before you go on for fuck knows how long about it is fashionable, you can, at the very least, make proper outfits that go with the capes. Or maybe, just maybe, wear a color other than purple for once. I know you’re all about doing that hemospectrum thing, but seriously dude. At least add some white or gray to your repertoire of outfits.”

“I cannot believe that you are insulting the royalness that is the color purple. It is clearly the superior color.”

“Hey! I’m not shitting on purple. I’m just saying that you don’t have to wear it all the time.”

“Says the person who wears gray all the time.”

“I wear black too!” You argue. “Anyway, we’re here.”

“I thought you said we were going shopping.”

“Yeah. And I am absolutely sure that I also mentioned that we were going to eat as well. It’s a lot easier to meet up with someone at a specific location than to just tell them to go to them mall and hope we find each other. Now you get to meet the douchebag I met at Rosemary.”

“Oh my god. Kar.” Eridan suddenly stopped and put one arm in front of you and one on his chest. “That’s Cogsinthegodshead! I’m absolutely certain of it!”

“Why do you watch his trashy as fuck videos?” You roll your eyes. “And that’s the guy who’s going shopping with us.”

“What! I can’t go over there looking like a mess!”

“You look fine. Now stop being a baby and just let me introduce the two of you.” You get closer towards Dave before shouting at him. “Hey! Dave!”

“Karkat!” Dave went from looking kind of bored to lighting up. “Nice to see you again. And I know you said you were bringing a friend, but you have yet to actually tell me who he is or what his name is or whatever.”

“Dave. Eridan. Eridan. Dave.” You say.

“Sup, Eridan. Nice to meet you.” Dave held out his hand for a handshake.

“Hi.” Eridan nervously reached out and grabbed Dave’s hand.

“Eridan, you’re starting to look like Equius with how much you’re sweating.” You comment.

“Shut up, Kar.”

“You know he’s right. You are sweating a lot, dude. Are you like nervous or something? I guess that’s understandable. A lot of people get super nervous about meeting new people and such and such. Or is it because I’m just intimidating? Karkat, am I intimidating? I’m pretty sure I’m like one of the least threatening people you could meet.” Dave rambled.

“No. He’s just nervous because he watches your fucking GrubTube channel for whatever reason.” You answer. “I can’t possibly imagine why. Your channel is a pile of trash that even raccoons refuse to go near.”

“I’m surprised you can come up with new insults about my channel even after writing a ten-page rant about it.” Dave said.

“Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a moment.” Eridan pointed at you. “You wrote that entire fuckin thing? I knew the tone of that rant sounded familiar.”

“So I wrote a long ass rant. Sue me! Maybe I could ask Terezi to be my lawyer! Heck! Just make her the prosecution, why not? I’ll probably lose either way!”

“I’m sure TZ’s a better lawyer than that.”

“She is, but she would purposely lose just to spite me.”

“I can not believe you two are arguing about Rezi bein a good lawyer or not.” Eridan interrupted. “We could be havin food right now.”

“Okay, that’s actually a fair point. Let’s mosey on down towards whatever place Karkat here has chosen for us to grace with our glorious presence.”

“At least someone here acknowledges the glorious person that I am.” Eridan looked pointedly towards you.

“Stop being an asshole, and go into the fucking restaurant already.”

The three of you finally manage to get your butts into the restaurant and in a chair at a table.

“Finally.” You say, picking up the menu. “I’m fucking starving.”

The three of you spend a minute deciding on what to eat.

“Okay, so I think I’m gonna get the bacon cheeseburger and, of course, I’m going to get an apple juice as well.” Dave declared.

“What is with your obsession with apple juice? You mention it in so many of your fucking videos on your abominable, distasteful channel.”

“Dude. Apple juice is a fucking elixir for the gods. There is no drink that is more heavenly or holy than apple juice. It is an ambrosia that surpasses even the most Gordan Ramsey approved drinks. It is a fucking gift to the world, and I thank the gods every day that it is even allowed to exist, not even mentioning the fact that we as lowly mortals are permitted to drink this beautiful liquid apple. In fact, I even thank Eve for taking a bite out of the first apple, which may have been tainted and full of sin, but that singular bite enabled us to have this drink to which I hold to the highest degree of beauty. It is gorgeous and ethereal.”

“Yeah, Kar. Apple juice is clearly the superior drink. Much better than that disgusting swill your ex-moirail used to drink.”

“Literally everything is better than Faygo, Eridan. And stop ass-kissing Dave and chose something to eat.”

“I am not ass-kissing.”

“Eridan, I’m not sure if you realized it, but ass-kissing is a phrase used to describe the action of using flattery to gain favor from someone, which is exactly what you are doing.”

“Well, excuse me for bein polite instead of being a sack of shit all the goddamn time.”

“Well shit, Eridan. Excuse me for not realizing that you actually had the capability of being polite.”

“Wow, rude.”

“Excuse me, but what would you like to drink?” The waitress asked.

“I’ll take apple juice.” Dave said.

“I’ll take the same.” Eridan stated.

“I’ll just have some water.” You say.

The waitress wrote all that down and left.

“You’re just going to get water? Really?” Dave asked.

“Well, yeah. Soda is fucking disgusting, and I absolutely refuse to get some sort of juice to appease your bizarre juice kink.”

“Woah there. Only apple juice gets the god treatment. Every other kind of juice is simply okay in comparison to the god-like properties of apple juice. The rest of the juices are mortals like the rest of us. They practically worship apple juice, and that is a fucking fact, my man.”

“You are lowering the importance of other fruit juices in order to lift apple juice higher than the fucking sun. Other fruit juices are equally as important and as good as apple juice, and they should be treated as such.” You argue.

“But have you considered that apple juice tastes way better than all these other juices, and is therefore considerably better.”

“I’m willing to bet that apple juice was the first drink you’ve ever had because of the bias you have. In fact, apple juice was given a significant advantage of being the best compared to the juices that had just as much potential to become great but didn’t have access to the resources that you bestowed upon apple juice.”

“This is a meritocracy, Karkat! Apple juice got to the top because it had the skills to get to the top.”

“And apple juice only had the skills to get to the top because it was given the resources to enable it to get to the top.”

“And yet, you acknowledge that apple juice is at the top.”

“Eridan, can you tell this douche muffin to shut his fucking pie hole.”

“Kar, is this your way of telling me that you feel ashen towards me?”

“Oh my fucking god. No. Fuck no. Get your ashen quadrant ten thousand feet away from me, as well as what that comment implied. Just. No.”

“A simple no would have sufficed.” Eridan said.

“What exactly did that comment imply?” Dave questioned.

“...Are you seriously asking me that? Have you lost every single one of your brain cells to not be able to recognize what Eridan is implying with his questioning of my ashen intentions?”

“I am seriously asking you this, dude. I’ve never really understood the whole thing going on with troll romance, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to explain it to me in big block letters in all caps at the top of the page.”

"Where the shit do I even start? You didn't seem to have a problem when I rambled on forever about the romance in Etiquette and Espionage."

"To be fair, I do only know the most basic of basic things about troll romance. I would appreciate a brief rundown."

"Really? You're givin Kar over here permission to go on for fuckin ages about something he fucks up all the time? Good luck with that." Eridan scoffed.

"Excuse me, but have all of you figured out what you want to order?" The waitress appeared.

"Yeah, I'll have a bacon cheeseburger with fries, please."

"I'll have a ham and cheese sandwich." Eridan said.

"And I guess I'll have the turkey sandwich."

She wrote down your orders and left, leaving the three of you alone to bicker.

"Why would it matter if he fucks it up? Everyone fucks up romance at some point or another because it's all confusing, whether you are a human, troll, carapace, or leprechaun." Dave defended.

"Thank you. Now, do you want a brief run down of the quadrants or not?"

"I would."

"I would not." Eridan interrupted.

"Nobody asked you, Eridan." You clear your throat. "Anyway, the basics of troll romance starts with the quadrants being divided into redrom and blackrom, as well as concupiscent and conciliatory. They are represented by four different symbols. The heart is concupiscent redrom, and it is the most similar to human romance, so I'm not going to explain it that much. The diamond is conciliatory redrom, and it's similar to a best friend except more intimate and serious. Its purpose is to placate one another. The spade is concupiscent blackrom, and it is a quadrant based on a mutual feeling of both hate and respect. It's a rivalry in that respect. And then the club is conciliatory blackrom. This quadrant has three people, two of whom are a concupiscent blackrom relationship. The other person is there to make sure that the rivalry doesn't get so out of hand that they start killing each other. The third person tries to prevent this from happening. Do you understand?"

“I think so, but I don’t really know what ashen means?”

“Ashen is for the clubs. When someone feels ashen for someone else, it means that they feel the need to either placate those in the spades quadrant, or those in the spades quadrant feel the need to be placated by another.”

“So when Eridan asked if you felt ashen for him…”

“He was implying that we had a rivalry going on.”

“Oh.” Dave turned extremely red.

“Dave, are you okay? You almost look like you're choking.” You inquire.

“Oh my god!” Eridan shouted. “I really fuckin hope that you didn’t just invite me as a third wheel on some weird kind of date.”

“Eridan! Holy shit! I cannot believe that you think that Dave and I of all people in the entire world are dating. We are not dating.” You turn towards Dave. “Right?”

“Yep.” Dave confirmed. “One hundred percent not dating over here. We’re just two dudes being pals. Just some guys being bros. Best fucking bros for life, my man. The bestest of bros. The dudest of pals. The most hetero goddamned mates in all of existence.”

“If you say so.” Eridan rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I’m lookin to get a new shirt. Maybe purple. I hear that the color is all the rage right now.”

“You say that every single time we go shopping. I know for a fact that it is only all the rage because your favorite color is purple, which is fine, I guess, but you really don’t have to justify liking the color by saying that it’s popular.”

“You’re the one who’s always telling me to wear a color that isn’t purple.”

“Okay! Fine! I’m completely one hundred percent guilty of doing that. What a fucking surprise.”

That was when your food came, and the waitress filled up your water glasses.

"Holy shit. This looks absolutely fantastic." Dave commented before digging into his food. "I was right. It is absolutely fantastic. And I also have this glorious beverage of the gods, regardless of what some people say."

"You sound like you're vague blogging, and that is honestly the most idiotic thing you could possibly do. If you have something to say to me, say it to my goddamned face with no semblance of subtlety. Forget vague blogging. Do attack blogging. Call me out in front of me. Risk a punch to the face, you fucking pansy."

"Are you really calling me a pansy for vague blogging in real life?"

"Yes. Are you going to fight me or not?"

"Wow, Kar. Way to be subtle."

"Shut your fucking mouth before I slice you in half with a chainsaw."

"Way to bring back memories."

"It's not my fault you pissed off Kanaya."

"Wait, wait, wait. I need to know what happened here." Dave interjected. "Kanaya is the one who owns Rosemary and is dating my sister, right? She seems like she wouldn't hurt a fly. What even happened to have Kanaya pissed at you? And what does it have to do with being sliced in half with a fucking chainsaw?"

"You would be surprised by how volatile Kanaya really is. She is very much into getting revenge from people, which is part of the reason I'm her moirail." You explain. "Anyway, the short version of the story is that Kanaya almost cut Eridan in half with a chainsaw because of reasons that are better left unsaid."

"Why a chainsaw?"

"That's the weapon Kan uses." Eridan said. "It transforms into lipstick, so she's more easily able to carry it around. It's fuckin terrifyin to see her use it."

"Never piss her off. Got it."

"It's more than just that. You have to make sure not to hurt the people she cares about either. Even if it is my job to take care of her and make sure that she doesn't kill anyone, I would like you to know in order to make my job at least a little bit easier."

"That is a reasonable thing to warn people about. I do not want to be cut in half by a chainsaw."

"At least one person sees reason."

"Who doesn't have the common sense not to make Kanaya angry if she tried to cut Eridan here in half?"

"Eridan."

"Excuse me, Kar, but I didn't know that she would actually try to cut me in half."

"Literally an hour before she cut off someone's legs in order to replace them with prosthetics."

"What the fuck." Dave's face was completely blank. "Why?"

"He was paralyzed from the waist down. Don't worry though. He did consent to it beforehand. Signed a legal document and everything. It wasn't like she just cut off his legs while he was asleep and unknowing of what she would be doing."

"Eridan. I have a question for you. How the fuck did you manage to think that Kanaya would not cut you in half if you made her mad?" Dave questioned.

Eridan ignored the question by eating his food.

"You can't avoid the question forever." Dave said.

"He can, and he will." You said. "I know this for a fact. I'm still trying to figure what the flying fuck happened between him and Sollux at the party last year."

"He's kept it from you for an entire fucking year?"

"I know, right? Unbelievable. That, or he forgot what happened at some point."

"You know that I'm right fuckin here, right? I'm not just an invisible block for you to talk about in any way you please?"

"Oh, shit. Sorry." Dave apologized. "Wait, what were we even talking about before this entire mess?"

"We were talkin about what clothes to get while at the store."

"Oh, yeah. Right. Okay, so, you said you wanted a shirt of some sort."

"Can we also get you some pants, too? I'm tired of seeing you in pinstripe pants all the fucking time."

"What's wrong with pinstripe pants?"

"Nothing. However, wearing them as often as you do kind of lessens how stylish they are."

"If you think they're so stylish, why are you on my case all the time about getting some new pants?"

"I literally just told you, but, since you need to hear my reason once again, I'm so fucking tired of seeing them on your body. You've beaten a dead horse with those pants, and it is time to move on."

"Maybe I'll just get another pair of pinstripe pants just to spite you."

"It pisses me off that you would actually do something that petty."

"Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't do something at least that petty at any given time?"

"An actual good friend."

"It's not like you're yelling at Sollux for doing shit like that."

"I do that all the fucking time. God, Eridan. It's like you're as observant as a brick fucking wall. Every social interaction that occurs goes right over your head. I swear to god you wouldn't even notice if someone was blatantly flirting with you, and you blatantly flirt with anyone that you think might be interested in you."

"Hey! I don't flirt with everyone!"

"You flirted with me of all people, and that is saying something."

"How is that saying anything?" Dave interrupted. "You're cute as hell. Anyone who says you're not is very clearly lacking in proper eyesight. And I know you're a pretty angry person, but you're pretty fun to hang out with and talk to. So, I just don't understand why you would think that someone flirting with you was some sort of bizarre happening that occurs once for every ten hundred flying pigs created."

Eridan just kind of stared at Dave for a brief moment before finding his wits and speaking.

"Dave, are you saying that you have flirted with Kar before?"

"What? No, no. I have not flirted with Karkat over here before, I swear. I just stated the fact that he is cute. Nothing wrong with that."

Eridan looked over to you with a questioning look.

"He definitely flirted with me."

"Lies. Lies and slander." Dave proclaimed, his face red.

"You most certainly flirted with me. I'm just stating a fact." You probably look super smug right now.

"What did he say?" Eridan questioned.

"He really just said I was cute, and he seems to mention it every time we talk to each other."

"That doesn't seem to be a clear reason to be defensive about you saying nobody flirts with you."

"Hey! Excuse me!" Dave yelled at the waitress for their table. "Could we have the check, please? I'll pay for everyone here."

The waitress nodded and left to go get their check.

"Eridan, don't you find it strange that Dave chose that moment to ask for the check?"

"Yeah, Kar. It was very strange."

"Could you two maybe shut the fuck up. We are not in psychology here. It doesn't go any deeper than the fact that Karkat is cute, so could we go back to talking about clothes or something?"

"I guess." You drop the subject. "I don't really know what to get, but I might get a new sweater."

"You do not need a new sweater." Eridan said.

"Says who?"

"Says me. You have enough sweaters to choke someone!"

"I only need one sweater to choke someone." You respond.

"Edgy." Dave commented. "How many sweaters do you even have? It can't be that many."

"Dave. I don't think you understand. Kar over here has an entire closet just dedicated to his sweaters. I'm not even joking. He has plenty of sweaters."

"I will not be satisfied until every orifice of my household is sweaters. I need enough sweaters to be able to chock ten hundred men, each with a different sweater. I need enough sweaters to be able to wear a different one every single day for the rest of my life, and that still won't be enough. You cannot just tell me that I have an absurd amount of sweaters when I clearly will never have enough."

"I see." Dave said. "So, what I'm getting from this is that you have way too many sweaters for a singular person to have, and Eridan has way too many pinstripe pants. Fantastic."

"Okay, so we all have a clothing item we have way too many of. Big fucking surprise. What clothing item do you have way too much of?" You interrogate.

"Here's the check. I'll be back for it later." The waitress came up and gave them the check, which Dave immediately grabbed.

"I'm paying, and there's nothing you guys can do about it."

"What? No. I'm going to be paying, you douche muffin." You argue. "I'm the one who chose the restaurant and brought us out here."

"Dave, just let Kar pay. He won't rest until he does."

"Nope. Look at that. My credit card is all snug and cozy up in this check. There is no way that you can convince me that you're going to pay. And would you look at that? It's gone now. All ready to pay for our meal and shit. Should have been faster."

And there went the check with the waitress. Goddamn it.

"Fine, you reeking pile of shit. But I swear that I am going to be the one paying next time."

"Deal."

"Wow. I don't think anyone has ever successfully stolen the check from Karkat. Then again, most people just let him pay."

"It was a one-time thing. This is the one and only time anyone, and I do mean anyone is paying for a meal that I had with them."

"Is that a challenge?" Dave questioned.

"No. It was not a challenge. It is not a challenge at fucking all. Instead, it is a guarantee that I am going to be the one paying for future meals that I have with you, you sack of public school cafeteria food."

"Scathing. Are you sure that you are not the ruler of the insult kingdom? Because you are fantastic at coming up with those on the fly."

"Insults aren't a literary device, fuckass." You say. "Besides, your literary device kingdoms are dumb and idiotic."

"You only think that because you haven't decided on a literary device kingdom to rule."

"That's because I don't give a singular fuck about it." You look around. "Do you see any fucks? I am seeing a severe lack of fucks. Do you know if that's bad for the economy or environment or something? Is my inability to give a fuck a hazard to the world? I look around, and I see nothing. Nothing has changed from me not giving a fuck. Clearly, the amount of fucks I give doesn't change the state of the universe. It is still just as shitty as the last time I didn’t give a fuck."

"I don't understand. What's this about literary device kingdoms?" Eridan questioned.

"It's this dumb thing that Dave randomly asked me at some point, and now he won't stop pestering me about it."

"It is not dumb. It is very important to figure out what literary device kingdom you would rule. You just have to choose the literary device that you most use or the one you feel embodies you as an individual."

"That's actually pretty interesting."

"Eridan! I can't believe you are on his side!" You shout.

"What! It is interesting! And it's a perfectly fine thing to ask, you know. It's not hurtin anybody."

"Except my think pan from listening to this douchebag over and over."

"And yet, you still refuse to give me an answer. At this rate, I'm going to have to choose something for you."

"Fine! I'll rule the kingdom of metaphors! Are you happy now?"

"What, no. I rule the kingdom of metaphors. There's only room for one ruler in this town. Or kingdom as the case may be."

The waitress had returned Dave's credit card, and the three of you were soon out of the restaurant and making your way towards the mall.

"What about me?" Eridan whined. "What literary device kingdom am I going to rule?"

"Who the fuck knows? Do some research yourself if you're going to be so insistent on it." You say.

"The more pressing issue here is that Karkat is trying to take my throne in my metaphor kingdom."

"I don't want the throne. I just said metaphor so that you might shut up, but, clearly, it just made you even more talkative. And every single word that comes out of your mouth is a polluted waterfall that has killed every fish in it and has corroded away the rocks. Whatever issue you have is now deemed null due to how little I care. Congratulations. Now, if you would, please turn your attention on the subject to Eridan, who is very clearly more interested in this topic than I am."

"Alright, Eridan. You have been chosen to be the next in line in deciding what literary device you want to rule over. Pick anything."

"Hmmm." Eridan thought. "What even constitutes as a literary device?"

"Let's see. According to Google, it is a technique used to produce a special effect in writing. However, that seems like a super broad definition, so just go wild. Or maybe you can go with a genre or whatever."

"Then I guess I'll rule the kingdom of dystopia." Eridan nodded. "Yeah, that sounds cool."

"Eridan, you are such a fucking hipster." You comment.

"Oh, shut up, Kar."

The three of you entered the mall.

"Where are we going to go first?" Eridan asked.

"I was planning on just wandering around until I find something cool." Dave suggested.

"That's actually not a completely repulsive idea." You say. "Now we actually have a plan of some sort."

It didn't actually take long before Eridan was dragging you and Dave into some store that looked as if only the richest of people shopped there. Then again, Eridan was one of the richest of people, so it would make sense he wouldn't give a shit to how expensive things were.

"Look at this shirt! It's absolutely perfect!" Eridan declared. It was a purple, long-sleeved, collared shirt. He zoomed off to the dressing room to make sure that it fit.

"Okay, so I know that we established that Eridan is rich, but exactly how rich is he?" Dave whispered to you.

"Super fucking rich. Why do you think he dragged us into this rhinestone infested place?"

"Point taken. But still. None of the stuff in this place is really my style."

"What do you think?" Eridan dramatically opened the curtain he was behind.

"Looking good." Dave gave him a thumbs up.

"You look less horrible than usual."

"Thanks, Kar. I'll be getting this then."

Once Eridan had paid for his shirt, you all went to a more affordable place.

"Karkat." Dave said after a few minutes of searching. "I found the most perfect thing."

"What is it?"

Dave pulled a pair of pastel pink jeans off the rack.

"Look at this shit. Beautiful. I'm going to look for my size, and then I'm going to try it on."

"Alright. To the dressing room we go, I guess. Eridan! Dave is going to try something on! We're going to go judge his decision like good friends!"

"Okay, Kar. You don't have to yell."

"I always have to yell."

"Why do you two like this store anyway? It's all cheap clothing that isn't very good quality." Eridan complained.

"We like it because it is cheap. Not everyone can be rich like you, Eridan."

"Check it." Dave showed off his pastel pink jeans, which actually looked really good on him.

"I'm not mad at it." You say. Eridan looks at you in awe.

"You actually said something that wasn't completely negative about the clothing."

"Huh. I suppose he did just tell you that you didn't look as bad in your purple shirt. I feel like this is at least the second time something like this has happened in terms of my interactions with Karkat."

"What was the first?" Eridan questioned.

"I made him laugh when I first met him, and Kanaya came running, saying how Karkat laughing was such a rare occurrence."

"You did what?" Eridan looked absolutely flabbergasted. "He never laughs! At least, I have no memory of him laughing."

"Shut up and buy the pants already." You yell at Dave.

"Are we not going to look around for more items of clothing to be worn by one of us?"

"I guess if you really want to."

"Fantastic. Let's find a sweater for you." Dave said.

"He does not need another sweater." Eridan claimed.

"Well, based on Karkat's eloquent speech earlier about how he could not possibly ever have enough sweaters, he clearly does need another sweater."

"At least there is one person here who understands the necessity of a shit ton of sweaters."

You and Dave search for more clothes while Eridan grumbled, and soon you found several clothing items you and Dave wanted to try on.

"What do you think of this?" You were wearing an oversized white sweater with a family of crabs on the front. Dave was wearing a pair of lime green jeans.

"That is the cutest goddamned sweater I have ever seen."

"Thanks. Your pants are awful and way too fucking bright."

"I agree with Karkat on this one." Eridan piped in. "Those pants make you look like a hot mess."

"That's fair, but I do have more things to show y'all."

You and Dave go back into the dressing rooms and continue to get each other's opinions on clothes you picked out. By the time you were done trying on clothes, you had at least three items you really wanted to purchase.

"I guess we can go to the cashier and buy all this sweet loot now." Dave said.

"After you guys buy your shit, could we go to a store that doesn't have the lowest quality shit I have ever seen in my life?"

"Why not? Karkat and I are pretty happy with what we're buying, right?"

"I guess you can go to your hipster stores.”

Eridan lit up and allowed you and Dave to go purchase your clothing items before dragging you off into another expensive looking store.

In the end, Eridan ended up with the most clothing items purchased. Bit surprise. He was, after all, the richest of the three of you.

"Well, I had a great time." Dave said once you all had gotten to the parking lot. "Maybe we could do it again sometime."

"It wouldn't be the worst way to spend my time. Just pester me or whatever if you want to do something." You respond, and you and Eridan get into your car.

"Kar, that was a whole lot of flirtin that was going on there." Eridan said. "And you never act that nice to people. At the very least, I've never seen you act that nicely to anyone."

"Eridan, I have no idea what you're talking about." You claim.

"No idea what I'm talkin about? I say that's a whole load of bull. I mean, yeah, you insulted him once in awhile, but those insult didn't hold nearly as much fire as your usual insults do."

"Eridan, I already have a moirail."

"What! I know that! I'm merely questioning if you have any feelings for Cogsinthegodshead."

"Are you seriously going to use his Grubtube name while talking to me?"

"It's a significant thing, Kar. He's practically famous after the video where he reviewed your rant."

"That's because of the memes."

"I still don't know what memes you're talkin about, and I have a feeling you will refuse to tell me."

"You would be completely right about that."

"But I would at least like to know if you're feelings for him are red or black because I really can't tell. Then again, I’m in a similar boat myself."

"Oh, yeah. That's right. You never did tell me who you had feelings for. Or even if you figured out if they were red or black."

"That's because I'm still trying to figure it out, but I think it might be more red. I still don't want to tell you who it is though."

"That's fair. And, Eridan? As much as I platonically hate you, I wish you luck in your romantic endeavors. Just don't come to me when you are going to talk about how much sex you had."

"Kar!"

"What? It's not something I want to hear about." You frown. "And I don't have any feelings for Dave."

"Really?"

"Really. Now get the fuck out of the car before I remove you myself, you festering pile of ten-year-old fish."

"Alright. Alright. I'm leaving."

Once Eridan had removed himself from your car, you drove back home. You went to your computer and saw that someone was trolling you.

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GA: Karkat I Recently Had The Most Lovely Date With Rose GA: We Went To The Art Museum And Talked About The Various Outfits And Scenery Of The Paintings GA: In Addition We Went To A Coffee Shop And Spoke About Several Books We Both Happened To Take An Interest In

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAD A NICE DAY.

GA: It Was Very Pleasant

CG: DID YOU TWO DO ANYTHING ELSE?

GA: We Did Kiss At The End Of The Date Which Was Really Quite Nice

CG: I’M GLAD YOU HAD A GOOD DATE. CG: AND YOU MANAGED NOT TO KILL SOMEONE DUE TO THEM SAYING SHIT?

GA: I Opted To Restrain Myself GA: Not That Anyone Actually Said Anything GA: The Lack Of Negative Phrases Certainly Made The Date More Enjoyable GA: Why About You GA: Did You Do Anything Of Interest Today GA: Or Did You Decide That It Was Best To Stay Inside All Day On Your Day Off GA: I Know That Is What You Usually Do But It Does Not Hurt To Ask

CG: I ACTUALLY DID DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN FONDLE MY SHAME GLOBES INDOORS ALL DAY.

GA: Do Tell

CG: I WENT OUT TO A RESTAURANT WITH DAVE AND ERIDAN. CG: AND THEN WE WENT SHOPPING AT THE MALL.

GA: Did You Buy Anything That Was Not A Sweater

CG: YES. CG: I BOUGHT FOOD.

GA: Karkat You Need More Than Just Sweaters In Your Closet

CG: I DO HAVE MORE THAT JUST SWEATERS IN MY CLOSET! CG: I HAVE JEANS, SWEATPANTS, AND A SUIT.

GA: Having Enough Sweaters To Choke A Man While Having Only Having Enough Pants To Last A Week Does Not Constitute A Proper Wardrobe

CG: AS LONG AS I HAVE CLOTHES ON MY BODY, I WON’T GET ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC INDECENCY.

GA: I GA: I Guess So GA: But My Statement Still Stands GA: And You Really Went With Eridan Of All People

CG: I KNOW YOU HATE HIM, BUT I CAN STILL HANG OUT WITH WHO I WANT TO.

GA: I Am Fully Aware Of That And My Platonic Hatred Towards Him Should Not Affect Whether Or Not You Make The Decision To Speak With Him In A Friendly Manner GA: I Am Merely Questioning Your Choice To Go Shopping With Him GA: As Far As I Know He Still Wears Those Horrible Capes And Pinstripe Pants Everywhere He Goes

CG: I WAS MOSTLY TRYING TO HELP HIM WITH HIS FASHION SENSE BECAUSE HE’S APPARENTLY FLUSHED FOR SOMEONE.

GA: That Is Certainly Something That Most Definitely Took Me Off Guard And I Did Not Expect At All GA: That Was Sarcasm In Case You Could Not Tell GA: Who Is It

CG: FUCK IF I KNOW. CG: HE DIDN’T TELL ME.

GA: That Is A Shame GA: You Know How I Love Talking And Learning About What Others Are Up To GA: Even If That Other Person Seems To Have A Different Crush On Someone Every Month

CG: YEAH, BUT THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT BECAUSE HE PREVIOUSLY TOLD ME THAT HE DIDN’T KNOW IF HE FELT RED OR BLACK FOR THE PERSON.

GA: Really

CG: YEAH, REALLY.

GA: That Is Unusual GA: He Typically Figures It Out Almost Immediately

CG: THAT’S WHY IT’S WEIRD. CG: IT’S POSSIBLE THAT THE CRUSH MAY LAST A LONGER PERIOD OF TIME THAN USUAL.

GA: That Is Something To Gossip About GA: I Would Appreciate It If You Could Keep Me Updated On How That Goes

CG: I’LL BE SURE TO DO THAT.

GA: You Also Mentioned Going Out With Dave GA: How Was That

CG: IT WAS FINE.

GA: Only Fine GA: You Appeared To Get Along With Him A Little Better Than Your Outing Merely Being Fine

CG: IT WAS ENJOYABLE. CG: ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

GA: Quite GA: Also I Would Appreciate It If You Informed Dave That His Suit Will Be Ready For Fitting Soon GA: Tell Him To Come To The Shop At Two Pm For It GA: I Have Already Informed Rose But I Do Not Have Daves Contact Information And I Would Very Much Like To Make Sure That He Has Been Notified

CG: ALRIGHT. CG: I’LL GO DO THAT NOW.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: HEY. CG: DUDE WHO RUNS THE MOST INSUFFERABLE CHANNEL KNOWN TO HUMANS AND ALIENS ALIKE. CG: DAVE. CG: IT STANDS FOR DOUCHE, ASSHOLE, VAIN, AND ENRAGING.

TG: no actually it stands for delightful amazing vain and enchanting

CG: YOU LEFT VAIN IN THERE.

TG: no shit my dude sometimes youve just gotta accept what life has given to you TG: and i know im absolutely fucking gorgeous and am therefore vain TG: not going to deny that shit

CG: THAT’S FAIR.

TG: should i try to do it with your name

CG: I HAVE A FEELING YOU’RE STILL GOING TO DO IT EVEN IF I PROTEST AGAINST IT. CG: GO AHEAD. CG: GIVE ME YOUR WORST.

TG: kranky arousing radical kranky aggravating and traitor TG: *arduous

CG: … CG: I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO START WITH THE TWO “KRANKYS” OR THE FACT YOU PUT AROUSING THERE FIRST BEFORE CORRECTING IT TO ARDUOUS.

TG: you could just tell me what you were going to tell me

CG: I GUESS I COULD SET ASIDE MY QUESTIONING FOR LATER. CG: KANAYA WANTED ME TO TELL YOU THAT YOU SHOULD COME TO ROSEMARY ON WEDNESDAY AT TWO IN ORDER TO GET YOUR FITTING DONE FOR YOUR SUIT.

TG: oh shit the suit is done already TG: its been like two weeks

CG: IT’S NOT DONE YET. CG: YOU HAVE TO GET IT FITTED FIRST, AND THEN YOU GET TO WAIT FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS IN ORDER FOR YOUR CUSTOM SUIT TO ACTUALLY FIT YOU.

TG: righty tighty sounds alrighty

CG: THAT WAS THE WORST SENTENCE I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF LOOKING AT.

TG: wait until you hear it in person

CG: THAT WOULD BE THE SECOND WORST THING I COULD EVER LISTEN TO.

TG: what about the first

CG: YOUR CHANNEL.

TG: ouch TG: anyway ive got to go now TG: my videos dont make themselves after all

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

CG: I HAVE DONE THE DEED.

GA: Thank You But Do You Really Have To Sound Like You Just Killed Someone When In Fact You Did Not And Likely Never Will

CG: YES.

GA: Carry On Then GA: <>

CG: <>

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

[abundantchewtoys]

Homestuck^2, re: p1-21

Page 1, 2

Long panel, that first one! ... That white blot in the middle isn't a floating alchemiter. XD Ooh, that's Jake's spaceship, the one ostensibly shaped like a shark? Looks like a human from this far out.

Woow, it looks cool from upfront, Dirk / Postscriptum Narrator didn't do it justice! And Jake's logo echoes Grandpa's real nice. Still, I wonder how Jake with a moustache would look like in this art style - no wait, that was Candy Jake.

Heh, there's Dirk coming up in his anime outfit. The big orange window he's behind actually remind me of Dirkbot's shades.

---

Page 3

Hmm, Dirk's been keeping plants. Guess even he grew bored of cold, metallic rooms.

His outfit is appropriately over the top. Though it bears repeating that he's at least 26 years old right now, which edges on ridiculous.

---

Page 4

Of course he's messing with us.

And of course he immediately felt the need to squash all hope the metafictional commentary from the epilogues is over. This both sets the mood, sets our expectations straight, and immediately confuses the hell out of everyone that should stumble on this website without an idea what Homestuck is.

"This is so meta"? No, I think we might actually have to start pointing out when some piece of narration ISN'T meta, at this point.

I like how Rose's dialogue is integrated into the site.

The fact that there are no news posts under the comic means that there's no need for the crude "show *log" buttons from before. But still, I like that the text is bordered up, boxed up. It invokes the same feeling from before + come to think of it, it could serve as a reminder that all spoken text is more "limited" than the narration.

Glad to see Rosebot is back to acting more like she used to. She's going to be mighty miffed once Dirk loses control over her thoughts and she fully realizes what he did. Meanwhile, I am pleased she has taken up where AR left off in passive-aggressively messing with him as a sentient former-biological currently-artificial person.

... Also, comparing Rose's soul essence to wine? I'm not sure she'd appreciate the analogy, given her history with the substance.

---

Page 5

Cool! Sprite mode is still a thing! Look at all that neat stuff. Yeah, we're back to introducing people in their living rooms. And hah, of course Rose's appearance would be obscured for now, similar to what happened early in Act 6.

... Hah, of course Jake would omit a landing gear.

Strange that Dirk wouldn't know of it. Guess he only knows about things outside his realm of influence if he focuses on them.

Also, letting the blind girl fly the spaceship, real smooth.

Yup, like I thought, it was another three year trip.

I would think Terezi's rather sick of lonesome trips through the void by now. But that she's impatient might have more to do with what Dirk promised her to get her on board with whatever he's planned. Johnsprite?

Hah, Rose thought Dirk was anxious about a Heroic death. Nah, that one isn't in the cards for him, but a Just one's something he very much fears. ... Kind of ironic how the troll most obsessed with Justice is the only other one on his crew.

More confirmation that the trolls are functionally mortal. I wonder if the implication is that trolls are naturally resilient to the decrepidness that comes with aging for humans? That they stay looking fresh until the day of their death, I mean. And that it's more often of unnatural causes that they die in the first place.

Even though trolls were said to not have longevity in the lower castes on Alternia, that could simply have had to do with circumstances. Even on Beforus, I can see how coddling could lead to early deaths.

I mean, it would have been a shitty deal for Karkat, otherwise. Only having a few dozens of years of being a god (I'd assume), in contrast to Kanaya and Terezi's several hundreds.

---

Page 6

Pffff, okay, Dirk, so he claims to want to "fix" what Hussie screwed up about Homestuck's format. Acknowledging the story's title, cool.

What, does he mean something gone wrong early in Act 1? In the B1 session? Jack getting his hands on the bunny.

Good that the narration goes back to black, even if it's still "spoken" narration, it's more readable like this.

...

Wait.

What?

Did he actually accept suggestions at this point? You just know some things there would have been seriously out there, like - bring back Dad Egbert! Let Gamzee and Dirk kiss!

...

Or is that another way in which he trolls us, the readers?

... I'm actually sort of doubting it.

Cool though!

If he did it once, he might do it again.

That's actually, indeed, one of the things in the format Homestuck was first represented in, that was really cool, the direct input from the readers!

What will we have had him do, I wonder?

"> Dirk: Commune."

... I... My first thought was him communing with horses, Tavros-style. That's not it, right, it's gonna show him take a moving sidewalk to the cockpit? ... Right?

Please don't have Dirk commune with horses, Tavros-style.

---

Page 7

Oh, wait, it was COMMUTE that I was thinking off. Welp!

Pffff, he communes with the readership.

... There's pretty much no way the first suggestions isn't gonna be "squack like an imbecil and poop on your desk" or something.

---

Page 9

Yes. Hell yes. Thank you, whoever you were. This is appropriately obnoxious and cheeky.

----

Page 11

Ahhh, sweet vindication. Hypocrit, thine name is Dirk Strider.

----

Page 12

Hah, he just scavenged the entiry of Homestuck for his room. Props for the bullocks.

Why did Terezi write that message on her wings, though? Did she know when he took them?

Using that big mug with Jade's face on it as a fern pot, hahah.

Those green boxes in the middle of the room don't look familiar. They probably aren't speakers, right?

That he even considers creating another iteration of Lil' Cal, ugh. Can't argue with Maplebot, though.

He's using CotL as a stool support, really now? :P

So I didn't comment on it before, but it seems like the other plants in his room are all cacti and related flora that doesn't require a lot of watering. Probably for the best, I don't think Dirk has a green thumb.

And the garbage can seems like it could have been alchemized by crossing it with a forge.

Hahah, even the painting Hussie crowdfunded that campaign for is here.

----

Page 13

... Pffffff, whut.

No, huh?

Okay, so Bro strider got the painting gifted to him by Barack Obama, sure... But, Dirk implies he holds Barack in the palm of his hand? What the fuck is that supposed to mean.

Is Dirk trying to reboot Earth A or B on this distant planet?

Or it's meant more figuratively, further evidence that Barack and Bro were intimate.

---

Page 15

Pffffff. Hell yes, trollsonas.

Dirk is a unicorntroll. Of course. Dave was penishead.

I understand how this could have very quickly gone of the deep end with Karkat's reaction, and Calliope's. Of course Dirk would have meticulously developped his character.

Why do Calliope's, uh, Callie's pupils look like squares, though?

---

Page 16

Of course that is why the plants are discolored. Genetic mutation. Not like, JPEG or GIF artifacts. :Page

... Waaaaaait a minute. Is Terezi giving Dirk commands somehow? Does she have a narrative prompt? There's no "Dirk:" before the command, was that supposed to be significant?

---

Page 17

Oh hell yes. Perfection.

This is the new normal. Characters openly commanding others. It's the next level to Sburb's interface, when you think about it.

Hah, Terezi acknowledges this is the third boresnore she's spent flying through a void, heheh.

And oh, so Terezi felt it when Dirk started narrating again. Obvious in hindsight. Also, it's apparently due to her aspect, she thinks, and not just it being Mind, but Dirk's being Heart. She knows her potential choices are being externally monitored and manipulated, in an ephemeral way. That's actually quite cool.

Dirk gives Terezi the power to command him for a while. The fool. She's going to have him eat the plants now.

---

Page 20

I like how he's EMPHASIZING the items that he's INSPECTING while he talks verbally, now. :P Narrative bleedover, I think I'll call it.

---

Page 21

Yup, a stool support.

So, Rose wrote her own version of CotL. I wonder how much it differs from the original work (the B2 version I mean).

Hah, Pony Pals was a dense read for Terezi. Well, I suppose Dirk's version would be. ... Oh it was mostly the memes she had trouble with.

---

Well, I think we did a fair bit of reading already.

I'm glad of the progress we made on the first stretch, actually.

Also glad to get a climpse at the meta shenanigans we're in for.

Good to see some sweet things have been brought back to the forefront. Like misattributed quotes, bedrooms and the people standing in them, and Terezi Pyrope.

[blaperile]

Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 14 (Epilogue 3 Page 1)

[carmineclock]

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate The Positive

Trace Last Saturday at 10:46 PM

> It takes you a bit to calm down from the book & more you received earlier, and even more to gather the confidence to seek out Clover. You manage to track down Clover's trail and follow it to his room. When you want to knock though, the courage leaves you and you hesitate.You don't really want to deal with any of this mess...

Clover Last Saturday at 10:58 PM

> You happen to be getting up at the precise moment he starts to debate knocking. You open the door and very nearly walk straight into him, then back up and blink in surprise.

Trace Last Saturday at 11:17 PM

> You were about to turn away and leave, but of course he had to come out in exactly that moment. The surprise immediately tosses out anything you prepared for this and just stare at him, at a total loss for words. "Uh. Hey."

Clover Last Saturday at 11:24 PM

"...'Ey Three. You need somethin'?"

Trace Last Saturday at 11:26 PM

"Uh... Just your attention." You shift a little awkwardly. "I wanted to say... thank you. For getting me my things back."

Clover Last Saturday at 11:29 PM

> You stare at him, plainly befuddled for a moment, open your mouth, close your mouth. > You very abruptly hug him, press your face into his front, and whine.

Trace Last Saturday at 11:33 PM

> Oh. You didn't expect that. > On second thought, this Clover. You should have been prepared for it. You try to shake off some of the tension in you and let him do that, one hand on his shoulder.

Clover Last Saturday at 11:38 PM

> You drag him inside your room and slam the door. "Fuck Trace I'm so fucking scared but I couldn't- I couldn't let him take everything, I know you're probably confused and I know I'm hard to follow but it-" > A hard sigh, quick gesturing. "It was the first thing I did after I left the library. I had a guess. I figured I'd take what I could and he wouldn't notice that not everything was there."

Trace Last Sunday at 12:14 AM

> Oh. Shit. You're trapped. Joke aside, this is quickly getting more intense than you had hoped for, but that is less surprising. But man, Clover going against the Doc's plans... "After the library.?" You quirk an eyebrow. That wasn't just to help you, you don't think. Sigh. "Thank you... Uh..."

Clover Last Sunday at 12:26 AM

"Look," > You reach up and cup his face, make him lean down for you. Sorry Trace, it's intense o'clock. "I've been sitting in my own fucked up feelings for the better part of a month, everything that I'm assigned to and that I'm good at has  been rearranged, Fin fucking hates me and I can't really blame him for it, I'm doing my damn best to help Nepeta's broken heart heal, five people have told me to take care of myself and I don't understand why, I'm actively daily going against the man who I'm dependant on trusting me, you betrayed me in a way I never imagined you would and I don't know if it's ever going to be fixed, and I would still die to protect you in an instant, and I don't know if you'd do that for me or if I even deserve anyone but god damn it Albert you're an idiot and so am I and I know what side I'm on as long as you'll fuckin' have me, okay?"

Trace Last Monday at 4:27 PM

Hnn, okay fine. This is what you're doing now. You look at him and listen to what he has to say, your heart growing heavier with every word. "Do you even still want me? You called me a traitor." In fact, he just did it again. "What side are you on?" You frown, an expression filled more with pain than anger. You're too tired and exhausted to fight, but you can't hide the bitterness in your words. "I would have died for anyone in this house. I would have killed for anyone, and I would have lied to Scratch. Not sure if I should anymore, since apparently I can't be trusted like that." Don't become a stranger, Doze said. Well meant advice, maybe a little too late though.

Clover Last Monday at 4:49 PM

"Yes," you answer plainly, your fingertips curling up against his skin. "and I did, because it fucking hurts. I can't tell you that it doesn't hurt like hell. I can't tell you that it isn't still making something in me scream to run." You pocket your hands. "I'm not just made up of whims and tricks and chance, though. This is me. Probably more me than I'd like to admit, frankly." An inhale and a sigh. "I don't know if you get it, but I don't- know what it's like to still trust somebody after something like this. I don't know if I'm supposed to. But for some reason I still want to try. It hurts and I still believe in it anyway. That's the side I'm on." Sincerity is definitely one of the top three most uncomfortable things you've ever done, you decide. You should be monitoring what you say and what you don't. You should be measuring, you should be careful. "Maybe it doesn't make sense, maybe it won't. That wouldn't be anything new, huh." A small, pained laugh. "I've never been more certain of anythin' else in my life, though."

Trace Last Monday at 7:46 PM

You stare at him, your expression getting even more pained after he pulls back. "You know... I needed you on my side then. If not for myself because god knows I don't deserve it then for Fin and Nepeta. I wanted to deal with that without pulling anyone else deeper into it than necessary." You're already close enough to the ground after he pulled you down, and even after his hands are gone, you let yourself sink deeper until you sit on the ground with a shaky "Fuck.." You're really tempted to just flee from this conversation, as unpleasant as it is. But you're aware that Clover didn't so far and the least you owe him is to see this through as well. "I'd give my life for any in here in a heartbeat. But it's not my life to give. Neither is yours. They're Scratch's, to use and misuse as he pleases. That's how things here work, right?" You run a hand over your face, trying to keep the tears at bay.

"I dunno if you should trust me. I don't care about the Felt, I don't care about Scratch, I don't care if this whole mansion is on fire in a year or so, because at least then it would be over. I care about Fin and I care about Nepeta. And Fin, we both know, is so deeply entrenched in his issues, he may never be able to get out of there, no matter how much any of us tries. Nepeta though.. I- I've never wanted her to join the Felt... Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to have her around, and I know why she did it. But this... this is no life I'd wish on anyone. Is it better than dying out on the street? I honestly couldn't tell you. But I can't stand to watch how she gets hurt and broken and bent again and again until the day she tired of this life as much as any of us." Your watery eyes meet his for a moment, then you look away to the side again. A headache is already pounding in your temple, making it really hard to filter any of your words. Not sure if any of what you're saying is making this situation any better or worse, but that hardly matters anymore. "And yeah, I care about you. Not sure if you're luckiest asshole of all of us since it seems to be so easy for you to adapt, or least fortunate, because you're having such a hard time realizing how much all of this bothers you too."

Clover Last Monday at 8:11 PM

You look down at him for a while, evaluating, re-evaluating, choking on your words before they manage to come out. Eventually you settle on something simple, pressing your fingertips together as you sit down across from him. "I'm sorry it took me this long to see." An exhale. "I thought if I just tried hard enough I could force this life to be something else. If I just paid enough attention. If I just played enough games of chess. If I just played along long enough to change the game."

Trace Last Monday at 9:02 PM

You watch him quietly, trying to keep your breath steady as you try to find the right words to continue. You can't really grasp how much of a breakthrough for Clover this may be at the moment, but. That's.. probably a lot for Clover, huh? "I'm sorry, I.. Fuck. All I wanted to was say thank you and now this." you say with shaky voice. "I don't want to just.. blindly follow Scratch, but I wanna do what's best for everyone. I want to do better, whatever that is gonna look like. And I know I can't do it alone.." A sigh. "None of us is gonna last if we're at each other's throats, right? Because who's gonna look out for us if not us?"

Clover Last Monday at 9:17 PM

There's a pause, then a snort, then a laugh. You push your hands into your face and shake your head. "God, I'm sorry, I'm overwhelming as hell. You poor sweetheart, I just started blathering on-"

Trace Last Monday at 9:31 PM

You just shake your head in response. "I needed out, didn't it? Iii mean I did the same.." You sigh. He must feel so lost, s looks like it, and you kinda want to offer a hug. Would that be too soon? "You know, actually, this has been one of the most relieving talks I had in a while." Even if it's just two guys rambling at each other. Sometimes that's what it takes, it seems.

Clover Last Monday at 9:36 PM

"....For real?" You blink a bit,  even daring to look the slightest bit hopeful. (What's wrong with you when faith in anything hurts?)

Trace Last Monday at 9:40 PM

"Yeah." You give him half a smirk. "I.. don't really know how to go from here. I'm sorry for the mess I made. Sorry for the position I put you in.."

Clover Last Monday at 9:46 PM

You tap your fingertips together, press your tongue into your cheek. "You gonna tell me an' Nep the next time you try to kill, like, Kanaya or something."

Trace Last Monday at 9:49 PM

You let out a dry laugh. "I don't see that happening anytime soon, but, sure, deal."

Clover Last Monday at 9:53 PM

You pause for a second, hum softly, and shift your balance to lean in close for a second. You press a tiny kiss to his throat- you're not entirely sure he gets the symbolism, but you draw back with a tiny 'hmf' little noise.

Trace Last Monday at 10:30 PM

You hold your breath when he gets closer. You get the meaning - at least the trust he means with it. You exhale carefully when he sits back and look at him, not sure if you want to break the silence just yet. "Hey, uh... I know I'm not really in a position to make demands, but.. I wondered if I could make ask you something.."

Clover Last Monday at 10:30 PM

"Go on?"

Trace Last Monday at 10:34 PM

"Uhm..." You look down a little sheepishly. "The photo of my little brother. I wondered if you got it. If.. I could have it."

Clover Last Monday at 10:36 PM

A blink, a tilt of your head. "I can look."

Trace Last Monday at 10:39 PM

You smile. "I'd appreciate it.."

Clover Last Monday at 10:41 PM

You flush, apparently surprised. You haven't seen that in a while, have you.

Trace Last Monday at 11:06 PM

"Uhm. Thank you for hearing me out.." You work on getting up. "Guess I should get going..." Best to leave on a good note, right?

Clover Last Monday at 11:07 PM

Nope. Gonna hug.

Trace Last Monday at 11:20 PM

Oh uh. Alright. You accept your punishment, flop back down and wrap your arms around him.

Clover Last Monday at 11:42 PM

"Trace," you mumble, squeezing tighter and pressing your face into his shirt. "'m scared. Don't leave."

Trace Last Monday at 11:53 PM

"Okay..." You exhale slowly, one hand petting his hair. "Whatever you need. I'm here."

January 29, 2019

Clover Last Tuesday at 12:08 AM

A soft whine. "Nepeta told me to stop expecting people to leave."

Trace Last Tuesday at 12:10 AM

"Did she? Sounds like good advice. She's good at that.."

Clover Last Tuesday at 12:11 AM

"I'm not the kind of person people stay with."

Trace Last Tuesday at 12:45 AM

You chuckle. "Sure you are. Look around you."

Clover Last Tuesday at 12:46 AM

"....you think?"

Trace Last Tuesday at 1:03 AM

Pet him more. "Yeah, like you got what, two loyal boyfriends." Unfortunately so. "And many more friends that'll stick with you and be there for you." Sigh. "Hell, even me. And even so, we... don't exactly have the luxury of hoping for a long life, so focus on the days they're staying, not the day you expect them to leave."

Clover Last Tuesday at 1:30 AM

"I just- it doesn't seem real. Someday or somehow I'm gonna fuck up and I'm not gonna have you again." A quiet sigh. "Scratch told me Fin was testing me and I probably failed it."

Trace Last Tuesday at 9:14 AM

"Alright but.. I fucked up big-time and here you are, clinging to me. That's something you should worry about when that happens." Pet his hair. "I mean.. probably. Not consciously, but that's what he does all the time, test how far he can go." Sigh. "He's mad and thinks you hate him. If you want to prove him otherwise, I'm sure you can. Just things like that take time.  And if you don't want to, you know, I get it. He's a handful. Just try not to poke him further. I know he's not making it easy, but you got the smarter brains."

Clover Last Tuesday at 4:44 PM

"Yeah, but you're....Trace. You're cool and smart and funny and basically impossible to leave behind...." You relax slowly. "'m just useful. Good for understandin' certain things and good for my luck but sometimes nobody needs luck to get around. (I ain't pokin' Fin hardly at all he's the one tryin' his best to get me to snap. Which I won't, not again.)"

Trace Today at 6:06 PM

You give a dry laugh. "Some might argue on the smart. Hell, I'm pretty sure the only reason Scratch didn't get rid of me for being a liability yet is because he's too caught up in some sunk-cost-fallicy. But see, people adore you and love you. You easily get along with anyone. You're clever, charming, usually reasonable and damn headstrong. And most of all, you're a person. One of us. Family and all, right?"

Clover Today at 6:26 PM

You squish him tight for a moment and breathe out. "Family. Real family."

Trace Today at 11:46 PM

Just a bit ago you didn't even believe in it yourself anymore.. "Yeah. Weird, isn't it?"

Clover Today at 11:47 PM

"Extremely."

Trace Today at 11:48 PM

> And then they cuddled for a while