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charlidos · 4 months

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THE CHRONICLES OF THE CUNTYBAGO

I love the lore of the Fellowship, I can't get enough of it. And it's really turned into a kind of myth, hasn't it? The stories have been established, from being told again and again. Regardless if it's not the whole truth, or even not true at all. The lore has a life of its own. And it changes, depedning on who's talking, and over time.

The lore of the (inappropriately named) Cuntybago is a favourite; that famed make-up trailer bus where Orlando spent so much time with Viggo (hours and hours for years and years if you listen to Orlando) absorbing everything Viggo did.

So here's the Ultimate (very long) Cuntybago Post.

The Cuntybago is apparently where all the after-work parties happened. Most of what actually happened on it is still secret, private events not to be shared; after hours, after some wine/whisky drinking. What kind of special stuff was in the drawers? What did they really smoke? And, most intriguingly, who exactly was left onboard when everyone were ordered to get out... (Erm, V&O, perhaps?)I'm sure there are many more photos from the bus. Like a photo of Viggo & Orlando - which has yet to be seen. Oh, to have been a fly on that wall!

(A clip from the last day of the reshoots, in 2003. Because it's the time the bus has been talked about the most. Even if I'm unsure if this is the actual Cuntybago or not. Since it doesn't look green...)

Mortensen and Orlando Bloom spent much of their off-time on a green bus they named the "Cunty-Bago." Instead of the standard luxury lodging demanded by most stars on set, Viggo and co-star Orlando Bloom shared a converted bus while filming Rings. Viggo stocked the bus with a wine cellar and wallpapered the inside with candid behind-the-scenes photos. A source on the set said the bus was the site of frequent cast parties, with the motto, "Everyone is welcome, but when it's time to go, get out!" Indeed, they formed a club — The Cunty-Bago Club. [Viggo, Sean and Orlando] shared a make-up Winnebago, and through hours of beard and pointy-ear application formulated the rules of their society — most of which boil down to getting gossip and posting it on. [on what? I think the text is cut?]

There are very few quotes from Viggo. If you read his old interviews about life on set it sounds like he mostly worked 6 days a week, 14 hours a day. And in his free time, he went camping and fishing by himself and just drove around to get some me-time. That's it. It all sounds like mostly work and no play for Viggo. Cementing this image of him being ever serene, wise and a hard working method actor who never stopped being Aragorn. But then, we have the stories of this bus, which shows his wilder side...

(Viggo in ponytails, with a glass of wine and banana, in front of that mirror covered in photographs. They both took a lot of photos on set, so I guess a bunch of those photos are Orlando's.)

All Viggo's said is this:

"It was a crazy small bus." "Everything had cunt. It was 'cunt this' and 'cunt that'. We had a cuntmas tree, and we had cuntmas angels."

(Orlando on the makeup bus. )

Orlando has mostly mentioned the bus in passing, as he loves on Viggo, his great hero. And in his words, it always sounds like it was just the two of them... (when in fact it was from time to time also shared with Sean B, Bernard and Liv - but only Viggo & Orlando were there the whole time).

[Me and Viggo would] sit next to each other for a couple or hours each morning in a make-up truck. You get to know someone that way, more than by being in scenes with them. I used to sit next to him on the make-up bus, and find myself just staring at him while he was having his make-up done and drawing in his book or writing his notes. I would find myself fascinated. When I went back for re-shoots, I was on my own and he wasn't sitting there, and I suddenly was sitting in the makeup bus that we'd been driving around in for 18 months in New Zealand and got really emotional and felt that it was kind of weird to be there without him there and sort of reflected on all of the happy conversations and chats and glasses of wine and talks that we would have at the end of the day or whatever. He really had a huge impact on my life as an actor.

But he did say a few specific things too:

"Ahhh yes, the bus. It was mine, all mine. It was my precious." Bloom christened the bus the "C-word" when the makeup artist was fuming about someone and asked Bloom's advice. "You should kick him in the cunt and tell him to fuck off!" Viggo just lost it for half an hour. He kept saying, 'What did you say?' [The bus] became all about "the word. We took that word and took all of its power away. We made it the most loving word in the world. If you were a true cunt, you were the most amazing person in the world. It was a very free-spirited bus. It came about because me and Viggo kept being moved around, and we ended up on this bus one day. And the actors were fed up and we said, "This is it. This is our home and we are not moving. If they come, tell them to go away."

And finally from Orlando's IG in 2019 (obviously, to this day, a very important part of his life):

Our fondly named makeup bus, christened by Noreen my makeup artist and Viggo Mortensen, was, and remains in my heart and memory the most female and male empowered, joyful, disreputable and yet totally respectful place of work and creativity ever. Hours spent in the the makeup chair to apply ear’s and wigs and contacts." (They can't even agree who named it, Noreen never got any credit back then...)

(From the reshoots in 2003, Viggo gives Orlando some love and points out the photo message from Orlando on the mirror. But I want to know, who put up the pic of O with Brad Pitt? From this clip.)

The comments from everyone else in the cast about life on the Cuntybago are actually more enlightening. The rowdy gang reveal another side of life on set and of Viggo: as a drinking, partying prankster who loves crude language. It's definitely part of the fascination with Viggo. He's never one to talk about these things himself.

(I think they're wearing the special cuntebago t-shirts here. No idea from whence.)

Bernard Hill:

You are not supposed to know about it!" "There were five or six of us - Viggo, Orlando and Sean [Bean]. Liv came in and out [of the group]. Viggo has this special kind of crudeness that he is capable of. We were in the same make up bus [along with Bloom]. When I came back [from a break] it was called the Cuntybago. It was our private club. We had wine tasting sessions and had lots of parties. We also kept lots of food in there. Anything that was out [on the table], you could have. You could drink it, eat it, borrow it, smoke it… but don´t go looking in any drawers. That´s where we kept our 'special stuff'! [The Cuntybago bar would on occasion open very early] like 6:30am. There were days that we needed it. [I've made life-long friends with] everybody who was in the Cuntybago. Leaving the first time was such a huge wrench. Especially because of the Cuntybago, it was like our club. Fortunately we managed to get it back for Return of the king reshoots, so ROTK was the Return of the Cuntybago. We actually drove it out onto the streets for Viggo’s farewell. Viggo didn’t know we were going to do it, and when it started moving, you should have seen his face. I kept shouting, “Cunty libre! Cunty libre!” And the bus start leaving—we were breaking free. For propriety’s sake it was called the C-Bago Club, because you couldn’t put Cunty on the call sheet. Sean Bean came in, Liv was also a part of it. As soon as I get back to England I’m going to start the C-Bago web site: Orlando will do fashion and Viggo will do current affairs. I’ll probably do gossip — you know, the social calendar. Liv will do Hollywood and Sean Bean will do the art of war. It’ll be our little corner of the world.

youtube

(Bernard & Orlando Bloom getting make-up done. Here's the green bus again.)

Elijah:

Cuntybago is an amalgamation of 'Winnebago' and Viggo Mortensen´s cuss word of choice. I've gained an appreciation of the word cunt. Negative words - the best thing is to diffuse them by using and taking the meaning away. Cunt! Cunt! It's a great, great word. Very forceful. [Viggo] became utterly fascinated with it and it became the word of the film. Their Winnebago for makeup was called the Cuntybago. I was not a part of the Cuntybago unfortunately - it was the makeup room of Orlando, Viggo and Sean Bean - but it was a lovely place to visit. Cuntybago T-shirts were made up. There was a Cunty Christmas and we had a Cunty Christmas tree, all this stuff. Cate Blanchett [who plays the elf queen Galadriel] was deemed Her Cuntliness. I think we were all secretly jealous of the Cuntybago. I was anyway. I loved the atmosphere. Any place that had Viggo in the centre was always an interesting place to be… And that was where all the alcohol was. It was just spending all of that time with brits and Aussies. The word ‘Cunt’ came up quite a lot. I was fascinated by that and how it could become not so dirty. It’s one of the few swear words that still shock people." Is that why you called Cate Blanchett “Her Cuntliness? “Not my creation. She was called that by Viggo Mortensen. I put the blame on him. It was used during the making of the movie and seems a bit silly now. Wood says that his Cuntybago T-shirt is home in a drawer. "It's too big for me. I'm a small guy."

(A few photos up on the mirror in front of Viggo. I'm guessing it's Henry on the toilet (aww!), and Viggo and Orlando doing something something... Sharing a cigarette? Extinguishing a cigarette on Viggo's tongue? It looks kind of erotic. And who's the other dude?)

Billy:

"On Lord of the rings we'd go to Viggo and Orlando's trailer which was called The Cuntybago. Viggo was good for getting Irish whiskey, which was great but I keep trying to educate him on malt whisky. (To Billy it was just V&O's trailer. Like it's where they lived together...) Hobbits, an elf, a King of Men, maybe a dwarf. And quite a few times a wizard, sometimes a princess. Ha ha! That's enough to make anyone feel pissed. We had some good times on that one, some great times."

Peter Jackson:

"The actors had a spiritual connection to it. I liked the way they had photographs [Mortensen and Bloom] taken behind-the-scenes, plastered all over the walls."

(From the reshoots, I think. Beautifully blurry.)

Liv Tyler:

I can't believe he [Mortensen] talked about that. That was our private world. There was a lot of liquor on that bus. But the funniest thing about this bus is that this thing was a beast. It was so tiny; nothing worked. If they ever washed our hair it would go from scalding hot to freezing cold. There was no heat. Our makeup trailer became the center of things. It was given a really bad name that I cannot repeat. There were pranks, most of them also too dirty to tell. I love them all, all my costars. We would hang out mostly in the hair-and-makeup trailer, and after work at dinner. We would eat all the time and drink wine and laugh. I think that a lot of that was the friendships that we made with each other and the fact that we all needed each other. It was vital that we all had each other to survive and to be able to laugh. Everybody had a really good sense of humor, thank God. We'd be constantly making jokes and decorating the trailer with ridiculous things and being rude and that was our sort of little bubble of escape in our makeup trailer.

(Photo by Liv, in the bus. You can see all the polaroids and stuff behind the unicorn elf.)

Cate Blanchett:

Viggo is the funkiest person I've ever met. I am far too polite to . . . he had this thing he called "the cunty-bago" . . . no, I guess I shouldn't go into that. So, yeah, he's incredible, very funny.

So, I can't quite figure out which bus The Cuntybago actually is: the green one Orlando is seen exiting? Or the yellow-ish one seen in the vids from the reshoots? Because they aren't the same. And in the vid from the final day, Bernard says the bus he drove on that last day was the same they'd had "for years" and which never moved before. While Orlando said they drove The Cuntybago around "for 18 months". So which bus was it? And did they drive the bus around or not? Or was it stationary? It's a mystery.

(This is the green bus - but is it the make-up trailer? Same as in the vid with Bernard.)

(Here in the reshoots, the bus is yellow-ish? And completely different. Looks more like a Winnebago than the green one really... So which one is The Cuntybago?)

ETA: it's the green striped one! Here's it's on the Cuntybago shirt:

That's all I have found about this infamous, mythical place, where all the magic happened, as they say. If anyone has info to add, please do! I want this post to be comprehensive!

#viggo mortensen #orlando bloom #lord of the rings #viggorli #the lore of the rings #elijah wood #bernard hill #billy boyd #liv tyler #The Cuntybago #lotr cast #lotrips

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openphrase123 · 22 days

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i just finished this fic! it's good!

and because it's all done i want to like... be a LITTLE self indulgent and talk under the cut about some miscellaneous things that i ran into while writing it. don't click the readmore if you're interested in the fic and haven't read it yet i'm about to spoil the Whole thing.

also there is an epilogue to this fic now - go read that before this post if you're getting to this before the update!!

so!! i haven't written fanfiction in like FIVE YEARS. it's been a while! part of that is because i was doing original stuff and part of it was i was in a creative slump. so isat kind of dug me out of that and i owe it my thanks. i've been able to do a crazy amount of original work since starting this fic, it's brought back my creative discipline. in like seven years when my video game comes out you can thank isat for that probably

i originally set out thinking this was the only fic for isat i was going to write. and then as i was writing this i fell deeper into it. i kind of got out of isat a little disappointed in how it ended?? but now that i'm here i'm like ah it's fine. just cause i would have done something different in dev's position doesn't mean it's bad. it does mean i can write a bunch of fanfiction exploring things i wish had been tackled more in the game though LOL

i said this in one of the chapter authors notes but i DID start out curtain call hating loop with every fiber of my being. (as in i liked them as a character UNTIL the act 6 reveal which i thought was lame) and then i played through the game a second time knowing the loop twist and went "oh nvm this makes sense" so a lot of the loop stuff in this fic was actually written twice. originally i was just gonna have them soulmerge with siffrin and not be present at all but then i was like. no. i do want to keep this lighthearted and that's too depressing of an end for loop. i do have a loop postcanon doc so i'll go repay them for their slapdashed involvement in curtain call someday

i'm in a weird position with curtain call in that i wrote the themes and major conflicts Directly After playing through isat the first time. before i could really marinate and analyze the characters fully. so there are a lot of scenes and points where i think i wouldn't characterize certain people like that if i were to rewrite this from scratch? however i don't disagree with what i've written either - it's just an interpretation that i don't necessarily think is my favorite anymore.

neither is any of the worldbuilding i did for any of this - it works for curtain call and i think it was nice but i don't necessarily think it's my current interpretation of what the culture and people were like? i like the wishes being permanent thing, i like the language stuff, but i'd probably go in a different direction if i went through this again

i do actually still think "the forgotten island was destroyed by a volcano" is my solid headcanon explanation of what happened to it. in my heart. i think like - with siffrin as a character especially it's very important that he's always missing something, that it's not idyllically happy for them at the end of everything. so even if he can remember more from their own past, it's - you know - there's no way to go back. only forward.

in the vein of this i probably could have killed siffrin/loop's entire childhood family but i did not. mostly because i did think it was fun for him to have to explain all of those cultural taboos they broke to survive. which, of course, was not a big deal - any good parent would rather their kid be alive than lawful - but what is isat other than a vehicle to make siffrin work through every moral compulsion and spiral they experience

i had a thought halfway through writing the fic that i was stepping on the very good and beautiful odile friendquest by making the island real and having a lot of siffrin's personality dictate how it went. but i ultimately decided on keeping siffrin very close to their country, more than odile is to vaugarde, because siffrin actually DID live on the island when he was a kid and that i think is a Different type of "longing for your country" trauma than odile's. i think they can still drink over the feelings together though

writing bonnie is very fun but very emotional for me. the bonnie&siffrin age gap (preteen to late-20s) is the exact age gap between me and my niece so every time i need to sit down and write something for them i think about her and how much she's a little baby growing up. this has nothing to do with bonnie it just makes writing bonnie really hard for me

if the entire history of my ao3 account was not an indicator, i'm a very big fan of writing romance, but i did not want it to take over curtain call at all. i also could have left out sloopis entirely and almost did, but thought "you know. with the way loop functions in this fic. i should at least let that be open ended" cause sharing a body with a version of you who is dating some other guy is gonna get messy no matter what. it's just not necessarily something i had time to or the urge to explore here. think of it as a fun spiritual nod to the fact that isafrin is technically open ended in isat (<- cop out answer)

i think i'm pretty vocal in how much i am absolutely insane for the flashback "happiest i can remember being" conversation. who let them do that. i think a lot of how i worked with mirabelle and siffrin's relationship in this fic kind of revolved around that. important to me that it ends with mira checking in on him and getting the answer she was looking for all along <3

overall i'm happy with curtain call. glad i am done with it though. there's so much that's running in with it at once. i'll probably wait a month and reread the whole thing to myself front to back before i start having fond memories of this. i mean it's always gonna be the fic my nephew was born during and i'll always remember having a panic attack in the airport right after posting chapter 7 but it's gonna be weird letting this one sail off into the ocean of the internet. however feel free to ask anything about the fic, i wrote this in a lil hurry on a bad day and probably didn't cover everything

goodbye, curtain call!! i love you!!!!! i'll miss you!!!!

[looks both ways, waiting for most people to leave]

also. if you've read this far. i hope it's not too gauche of me to link my personal project. if you've read over 100k words of this you might enjoy the game i'm developing? i've been working on it for almost a year but i just started the devlog last month. it's still in early baby stages as far as a full video game goes but if you liked this you'll like the game when it comes out (similar nickname culture, timeloop trauma, petty interpersonal drama, very stupid jokes, natural disaster angst)

also there isn't a lot on the devblog yet, i've mostly been doing programming on it, i JUST started visdev i'm sorry if it's uglyyyyy (FOR NOW)

anyway i'm trusting you with that link. i'm going to use my professional name on that project when it airs don't cross the wires pretty please just pretend that's a butch-y cis woman's game <3 guard the closet door babeyyyyy

#isat #yaaay :)

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briar-rolfes-research-oubliette · 7 months

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ON MONDAY, I (FINALLY) MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NEWEST ERAGON BOOK!

MURTAGH

“A Book I Read”

It took three very patient friends of mine to encourage me to finish reading this. I took notes the whole way through, and I am now sharing those in hope of finding loving community with my fellow haters.

Important context:

I loved Eragon, which came out when I was roughly eleven

Christopher Paolini was the first author to ever disappoint me

I used to love epic fantasy, until feminism, coming out, and learning about literary criticism made me just too mean to enjoy it

Since 2015, whenever I’ve had writer’s block, I’ve found inspiration by looking at this screenshot:

Christopher has managed to create a life where his mum has never stopped doing his laundry or his editing for him. He has never worked a job in his life. He has infinite time to work on his craft, and yet, with all of those advantages, he writes the way he does. I don’t hate him, but I do want to destroy him in single combat.

LET US BEGIN.

17 November 2023

I forgot how obsessed this man is with proving he knows rare words. Picking up my phone to google the word “trenchant”.

He really just didn’t want to say the dragon had a sharp sense of humour huh? Oh, no, it’s TRENCHANT. It wasn’t even for dialogue I identified as comedy but Murtagh thought it was TRENCHANT. He and Thorn have been alone in the wilderness for too long

NOT NASUADA BEING DESCRIBED AS HAVING ALMOND EYES

Of course the protagonist has grown a beard. He’s A Man Now.

I have a theory that this book is about coming to terms with marriage. Murtagh is like “our bond… our bond that lasts until death… the oldest magic… only the two of us understand each other. But, we’re also trapped with each other,” and I’m like hm. Fascinating. Say more

Instantly Murt befriends a child, to prove he is good really.

It’s so weird to read a book by a grown man with kids who is like “how did we all start out so innocent and pure…” like have you MET five year olds

This whole fork fight scene makes me feel second hand embarrassment deep in my soul. It’s SO This Guy Is The Best And Coolest

“Fencing with effortless ease” I do not care how well trained he is: you cannot kill four men with long swords by stabbing them with a little fork in “four hard impacts.” It’s just not happening.

I’m really dwelling on the idea of magic as “imposing your will” on something. It’s very.., something. Murtagh cleans his shirt by “imposing his will on the garment” like. Okay, I suppose in a way that is how all laundry is done, but it’s. Hm.

How come he’ll clean a shirt with magic but not shave with magic? Why are these books SO obsessed with beards and shaving and how to do shave and using magic for shaving etc etc, Eragon was also majorly preoccupied with this

Paolini’s got so many complexes on the page. All the “we’re half brothers and your dad killed my dad” stuff is A LOT

The naming stuff… SMH what would Ursula Le Guin say about all this

I’m obsessed with how even as (gasp) an OUTCAST!! Murtagh can’t not be the coolest guy ever for any time at all. It’s like a disease

Giving the child the enchanted killing fork was the worst decision ever made. Murtagh gives her a murder weapon and is then moping like “what’s it like… to live without killing…” literally pages later.

I’m really startled that Murt is delighted to see a tiny flying magical grass boat come down from the sky and circle him instead of being like “wtf, I’m being Watched,” which would be the true act of a man we are told is paranoid

I just got to the bit where Murtagh offhandedly says that magic users who “are the heaviest” always have the most spell reserves.

Like……… what???? Magic eats your fat?? It burns glucose??

You could be a better mage if you just, ate a bunch of raspberry frogs before each fight??????

It’s food powered??? You really want to go there, Paolini????? Wizards in the candy shop, eating sweeties like Mistborns?

GOD, if only Galbatorix had chugged a bottle of red cordial before his last big fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I return after losing my mind about this to my partner for forty minutes)

If it was “if you’re hungry you can’t FOCUS” I’d get it. But I always assumed it was like, you know how other fantasy does it? Some kind of pool of ADDITIONAL energy that you are accessing and that can be used up (until you go too far and start using life force or whatever). Like, it’s CHANNELLING it that makes you tired, not that it’s literal food energy.

Murtagh is always running or doing his sword forms or whatever and now I’m like “DUDE, NO!!!?!? DON’T BURN YOUR WIZARD CALORIES!!?!?”

I like when magic can’t do EVERYTHING, when it’s consistent or limited in some way, but I do hate the idea that it’s this predictable. Food energy becomes raw magical power. I GUESS.

(A little later)

Screaming at the suggestion Thorn can tell when Murtagh is horny.

I don’t like the euphemisms. It makes it worse

The fact he can’t talk to his dragon whenever they’re “too far apart” (distance never specified) is making me insane. Why did I pick up the dragon riding book if it’s mostly about leaving your dragon locked up at the bike rack

I know Thorn is basically a rescue dog with anxiety, but it bothers me how much he’s left on his own. The narrative just has no idea what to use him for other than speedy transport for the first um… 200 pages, it seems? He’s meant to be his own creature with his own intelligence. He doesn’t go anywhere without Murtagh though. So what is he doing all the time

I think Paolini WANTS his world to be big and mysterious (his introduction literally just keeps saying things in the world of the story are mysterious) but he HAS to keep explaining everything

24 November 2023

I’ve figured out something that annoys me about the world of this book, in terms of just how the worldbuilding is not actually that magical. It has the D&D problem!!! Which is to say that every regular person on earth is Level One and every important character is like, level 12. And part of what makes that even worse is that all women in this world are level zero.

I’ve been watching my friend Chris play the first Alan Wake game and we realised that all the faceless enemies that are possessed by Evil in the game are… working class men. The protagonist is this literate wealthy New York writer who is constantly killing faceless workers—farmers, loggers, coal miners, builders. And that’s not an INTENTIONAL commentary by the game, but it’s very revealing. And This book is the same in that: there is no such thing as a complicated poor person. They’re all either Dirty Evil or Dirty Good. Murtagh is going around, writing poetry in his head and inventing magical computer code, and then every child is an urchin who is like Oi Guvnah, and every dad is gruff, and every woman is worried.

The language used to describe everyone who isn’t a Fighting Man is so demeaning. And even then, we only need to respect the leaders of those men. The leaders are the only ones with depth who might need to be taken seriously.

It’s like Murtagh has a tally in his head where he is going “finally, a guy who is level 6”!

Most people in this world exist to deliver information to the protagonist.

Paolini either thinks his readers are too dumb to understand that his characters exist between scenes, or he doesn’t understand himself that we don’t need to see every time Murtagh enters a city under a new name and how he does it. Or know what he ate for dinner and how he prepared it and where he slept and what he dreamed and, and, and—

It’s weird because Paolini is being self indulgent as fuck but it is NOT fun to read. This dude really just needs to go write a survival story or something… A guy in the woods depending on nothing but his wits and his axe and his beard and his libertarian values

I don’t understand the stakes at play. All the magic scenes with Mind Penetration are so sudden and hard to actually understand as action. And the way it works is about brute force, so the dragon is not going to be at risk of being taken over except by another, even bigger dragon

It would be fun to read the Murtagh city sleuth segments if Thorn was backseat driving a little. I think that their bond should not get thinner over distance. The fact that it does just defeats the point of a magical bond.

Why does the dragon have to stay so far away? Like… it’s established that there’s a spell to conceal a dragon from sight. Dude. You could just go fucking invisible

There’s so many decisions that just are so bonkers to have made. The whole fetch quest for information pissed me off so bad. “You have to join the guard” (40 pages of emotions about uniforms ensue). This guy learned about plots from video games

Paolini had kids apparently, but you can tell he doesn’t really understand kids. “How do they all start out so innocent and pure,” says a man who has never heard a seven year old describe someone being killed by farts before.

The description of Murtagh carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried is very funny. I don’t know if Paolini has ever carried a cat before. If you’re carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried close to your chest, and you tighten your grip when it squirms… say goodbye to your nipples, my man

It’s strange how much Paolini doesn’t explore the things that seem to be the point. FOR EXAMPLE, the fantasy soul bond trope loves to say “even during sex!??! 👀” because it’s about INTIMACY, and some alien presence always being there. The dragon rider trope is popular because dragons are powerful and wise but also Beasts. Magic is fun to read about because it can do things that can’t be explained.

Paolini’s world is big, but nothing in it has any real substance. Nothing in it has any real consequence, and it makes it impossible to really invest in anything that happens. None of these poor city folks have a life once they leave the scene of delivering Murtagh information… or if they are a woman, delivering him a hot meal. There’s no sense of a world that exists outside Murtagh’s point of view!

25 November 2023

The towns so far don’t feel at all distinctive to me! I was interested in the one with the massive lake, but then it having this massive fish in it was the only point of interest. It would be fun to have been like “oh the fish has ruined our summer festival! It’s ruined the nobility pleasure cruises! It’s also eating fishermen!” Or “Why do all these fishing boats have huge spikes on the prow? Well,”

Again, these guys are all level one in peasant dirt town. They have no capacity for individual thought and no ability to adapt.

It’s like Paolini doesn’t know what makes people and places in fantasy feel distinct, or have culture. It’s so evident in how much he HASN’T thought about. For example, the bonkers amount of restrictive gender norms that he doesn’t seem AT ALL CONSCIOUS OF? Everyone who died in the war was A Man. No women died in the war. But that hasn’t resulted in any social changes. There aren’t more women doing work, for example, like being fishermen

I remember being thirteen or so and reading the bit in the second book where Arya explains to Eragon that she’s better and stronger than a human woman, because she is an elf, so Eragon doesn’t have to worry about her in battle. I was this kid there like “man, that sucks. I assume he’s coming back to that assumption later,” and… he never did. He still hasn’t. And that sucks

The dragon riders were not THAT long ago, in the world of these books. It makes me wonder—were none of them human women? I always assumed that some were human women, but… did dragons only choose elf men, elf women, and human men? If they chose human women, then even being accepted into a paramilitary dragon force didn’t change gender expectations in the rest of the world. What the fuck. He’s really never thought about this.

Women keep showing up as cunning-mysterious, as humble dirtmothers, or as innocent children. Oh my god I’m just describing maiden mother crone. That’s all he’s capable of.

I just got up to where he rescues the werecat baby (innocent girl child) and settles in to hear the stories of elder werecat (cunning-mysterious)

I noticed the Arya Problem with how Nasuada is described in this book, too. Every woman has to be the best, most capable, most powerful woman ever, to be worth the attention of The Boys. Otherwise they can’t respect her. Only two literal queens can be considered worthy of just two average guys who got pet lizards. Even then, they’re not actual equals.

“She still empathised for me.” Yes, don’t worry, Murtagh, I remember that’s what women are for.

I should note that the reason Nasuada is considered so powerful and so much worthy of his love and is her strength as a person. This is proven in the Eragon books because “she still empathised” with Murtagh whilst he was medieval torturing her. He was medieval torturing her for like… most of a book and that’s how they fell in love. Because she could see in his eyes that this guy torturing her… was Complicated. He didn’t really WANT to be medieval torturing her so she actually felt worse for him than he felt about how he was (and I can’t stress this enough) medieval torturing her

I just can’t imagine that THE QUEEN OF A WHOLE CONTINENT would still prefer the guy who sadly tortured her. He’s her top preference. Out of EVERY OTHER MAN IN THE WORLD

I put the book down until the day before I was meant to have finished the book for book club:

10 March 2024: from page 274 onwards

The evil witch is called BACHEL?????!!?!??!? Fucking BACHEL. Pronounced “buh-SHELL”, the guide at the back says. You changed one letter in Rachel, don’t lie to me Paolini

I got so mad being reminded the evil king Galbatorix was defeated by “Eragon forcing empathy upon him” so that he magically exploded himself out of guilt that I had to put the book down and complain to Charlie for five straight minutes

I guess that’s why Galbatorix made Murtagh torture Nasuada for him. He knew that if he’d done it himself she would have empathised with him too hard and he would’ve exploded himself

Murtagh has never met a single person he has respected. Murtagh is the specialest boy in all the land. Eragon had to leave the country because they were both too special to share a continent

Murtagh decided on where to go and he was immediately surrounded by armed guards who took him to where the plot was

Paolini uses the fucking word “admixed” while discussing EATING A PIE. The flavours admixed in his mouth. Just because you know a word… doesn’t mean it’s a word to deploy about eating a pie

I HATE how the only people strong enough to do the strongest magic are Elves Or Human Riders. It’s fucking magic my guy! Why is it checking your goddamn DNA! Also, hey! Wasn’t it supposed to come down to the strongest wizards being the guys who ate the most for lunch?

In a world of Magic how come every wizard battle ultimately comes down to who is a better Professor X?? I came here for fireballs, not Mind Battles. I don’t care about your Mental Wards

Hahaha Murtagh!!! Get trapdoored, bitch!!!!

Dragon panic attacks: conceptually cool but a bit ?? Like ah… the plot literally comes to scoop him up and carry him away. Yet again something outside of Murtagh makes a decision for him about what to do next

Murtagh’s poetry is going to make me explode myself like Galbatorix in book 4

If there’s something I like about this book so far it’s just the bits where he and Thorn are camping. Not flying, because then Murtagh is using the time to think and that’s horrible. The bits where they make campfires or whatever feel like something is actually happening. A guy and his dragon hanging out

Man. The way this novel is plotted really reminds me that it’s not actually that hard to write a book.

Murtagh goes to the evil village (oh yeah there’s an evil village. It is where Bachel lives. She is evil because she does magic without using the magic language). The village is called:

NAL GORGOTH

But I couldn’t remember this so I kept referring to it in my head by another, more familiar, name

Murtagh is so freaked out by finding a village with architecture that he doesn’t recognise. He’s like “My god!!! Nasuada has to be warned!!!” Ok but about what??? New ways of building pillars???? The art deco movement threatens the land??

Kinda fascinated by how much this village represents a threat to CULTURE. The architecture, the people… Everything about it so far is designed to be A Foreign Threat. The inhabitants are Of All Races (except elves they are too cool too pure etc). The humans have A VARIETY OF SKIN COLOURS, which memorably never happens in Alagaesia, a continent once explicitly described in the Eragon books as only having two (2) black people on it at all (then one died) (the other is Nasuada) (the one who died was her dad)

This guy with a goatee isn’t quite human. He is maybe part urgal and he is so uncomfortable to look at! Mainly he has arms that are a bit too long!! Bachel isn’t a human and also isn’t an elf, and that’s also deeply unsettling.

Bachel also fundamentally represents a threat to THE STRUCTURING POWER OF LANGUAGE, huh??

Bachel is so far the most interesting character in the book!

Bachel has: ALMOND EYES and AMBER SKIN

Murtagh is so upset and confused when Bachel calls him “my son” like… I’m cryign. “But she’s not my mother! I know my mother!!” he thinks, in a panic.

If this was a fantasy novel written twenty to thirty years ago, then the sexual tension between Murtagh and Bachel would be absolutely insane. Alas, this is a world of abstinence, and sexuality is only ever meaningful looks between a queen and the guy who tortured her (it is weird how he keeps caressing Nasuada’s face on the gold coins)

It’s very funny that Bachel has specifically fourteen warriors. The prose keeps telling us that there’s fourteen of them. So you get Murtagh stepping forwards and then sentences like “the fourteen warriors attending Bachel shifted”

She seems like a perfectly normal cult leader to me? Why is she automatically a threat to Nasuada! How come the two of them can’t arrange a toxic political marriage that becomes… something more 😉😉😉

Nothing annoys me more in this book than Murtagh being able to identify specific vintages of wine. It keeps happening and it pisses me off

Bachel is a half elf!!! “It had never occurred to him that such a thing might be possible.” This is truly and absolutely unbelievable to me. Nobody in this world ever has sex

How did it take so long to get to such an objectively cool village!!! Like this is just a cool place!!! Sorry that Nar Nar Goon is evil but like FINALLY something has style

Three thoughts at once:

I’m so bored that Paolini’s mind can’t get more interesting than temple virgins, let alone wearing white to represent ritualistic purity. Like… nobody in this world fucks anyway, why does it matter!

Murtagh should also wear white all the time

Lesbianism doesn’t count as a violation of being temple chosen. Alín is wearing lesbianism

Paolini has never once written a woman who is Normal. He just can’t conceive of it. You can feel how he starts sweating.

Murtagh finally realised it was a cult. What sets it apart as a cult is that the followers appear to be “half-wits” to him

I’m going to detransition to break his fucking neck

Paolini has learned nothing since he had a woman deliver the exact same line in like 2008. The fact that another editor just thumbsed this up. The fact that this is in a book published in 2023. Well, now I’m REALLY embarking on an antagonistic reading: that’s right, I am reading women as capable.

Obsessed with Bachel. She is a girlboss and I’m a feminist xxx

Book is constantly weird about how much she is capable of eating and drinking at her feasts and how it makes her appear swollen and bloated etc etc. Murtagh is so weirded out by this because he feels it is unfeminine… as though she is not a witch and we weren’t told earlier that how much magic you have is directly equal to how much you eat. (Meanwhile he is only picking at his food and eating just enough of it ‘to be polite’ as though this is not making a decision to have less magic than her)

She has so much charisma compared to anyone else in the book. If my choices are her or Murtagh then sign me up boys!!!

Okay but much like how this would’ve been a VERY charged relationship 30 years ago, I’m weirdly disappointed Bachel she isn’t not described as megahot? Like the book keeps telling me about this virginal templemaiden or whatever, because Murtagh is only attracted to women he can rescue. But I’m actually just like… I think this woman is hot. Tell me more about her. It’s wild that this book is written by a guy like Paolini, who told me all about Oromis’ pubic hair in 2008, and who barely thinks women are people. Yet he doesn’t want to discuss her tiddies?

This book could, and should! have started when Murtagh landed his dragon in the evil village of Nar Nar Goon. That’s the point that stuff got actually interesting. Everything before this was literally video game fetch quest logic plotting that earned him the right to fly to Nar Nar Goon.

Boar hunt. More like BORED hunt. And then suddenly there are so many pigs, a comical number of them flying everywhere

This motherfucker using the phrase “the boar was lying athwart him” in a sentence in an action scene????

Murtagh is nearly dead and the boar is lying athwart him?

I’m going back in time and bullying the author at school

RIP Murtagh, trambled to death by 30-50 wild hogs

Oh god every time someone knocks Murtagh out he has a vision or a bad dream or a flashback or whatever and it’s so tiring

“EXISTENCE WAS A TOMB WHEREIN THE SINS OF THE PAST LAID INTERRED???” Do you ever read a sentence that sounds so much like the author is jerking it? “All had been lost, and there before him lay the instrument of their destruction” he is furiously jerking it oh my god. “Destroyer of hope, eater of light” oh, god, he’s still going

…This book is. Weird about mothers

Murtagh flies into a rage because Bachel mercy killed a guy who was dying bc of boar trampling because “I COULD HAVE HEALED HIM!!!!!” And the mercy killing is proof it is a cult. Because doing it Bachel’s way meant the guy was too relaxed and at peace when he died

Paolini’s family were in a cult, as I understand. So it’s kind of weird how much he doesn’t really understand how being in a cult works

I don’t really remember how religion works in this world, but I do remember tuning out of a long boring passage in book 2 or 3 where Eragon learned about all the gods and decided he was an atheist. It’s especially weird to be like “holy shit, an EVIL religion??!” In a book where religion has absolutely never come up before now

Oh my god, Alìn was whipped for being ‘too familiar’ with Murtagh!!! That’s because she’s so pure and a helpless victim girl in all white :’((

In my mind Bachel and Alìn COULD be in a fucked up lesbian relationship with bad BDSM etiquette. Of course Paolini can’t imagine a world where women have enough personality or agency to fall in toxic love with each other. Also even though he has people tied up and strapped down and whipped and being tortured etc in every book don’t think he knows that BDSM like. Exists. Boooooo

Murtagh: killing one guy who is dying of a punctured lung is the ultimate evil!

Also Murtagh: I know an invisibility spell, but to sneak out of my room I am going to suffocate seven men to death

Genuinely upsetting to read those men dying. He made it impossible for air to enter or exit their lungs with a word. Veins popping clawing at faces etc. God, what a way to go. So unnecessarily cruel. Yep, there goes the good guy

The main way the village is evil is that there are unsettling carvings everywhere. Paolini read some Lovecraft, but he did not understand what was up with it. Or maybe he did, because this book did get a lot more weird about Racial Purity once Murtagh arrived in Lovecraft Village

11 March 2024

There’s a bloodstain that “filled Murtagh with the apprehension of evil” and it confused me because these books are so gory. Earlier he killed four men with a fork. But like oh yeah I guess it’s because when Murtagh murders people now it’s bloodless. I guess. His murders are good you see

This chapter is called The Bad Sleep-Well you can tell Paolini thought he was a real genius for this one

Okay but why are there bats… roosting… in a cave… at night. And why is Murtagh worried that red light will risk waking them? Animals cannot see red light?? SOME FARM BOY YOU ARE, PAOLINI

Okay I have to stop nitpicking. I have to restrain myself until my Vyvanse kicks in

“Murtagh felt a sense of not just age but antiquity. Whoever had built the stairs had done so long before Alagaesia had been a settled place. What was it Bachel had said? That the cultists had lived in Nal Gorgoth since before elves were elves... He was starting to think she had told the truth.”

Sorry uhhhh, Alagaesia was settled?? When they talk about The Grey Ones, are they talking about a race PRIOR TO COLONISATION?????????

“He continued forward. Deeper into the womb of the earth. Deeper into the black unknown, seeking, seeking, always seeking a farther shore, every sense razor-sharp and razor-scraped, skin all goosefleshed, cold sweat dripping down the back of his neck and gathering around his belted waist.”

God it’s so overwrought...

He found the well!!

Oh my god. The well is a natural magic hotspot and that means it “wasn’t the sort of thing that the Draumar ought to have dominion over.” It’s a natural resource???

“Not that he would want Du Vrangr Gata to assume control over such an important location either. This was exactly what the Riders had been created for: to oversee and mediate that which could destabilize the land.”

Murtagh is going to bring democracy to the Middle East

He’s too scared to mentally contact his dragon with Bachel around. If he was a proper horse girl he would find a way

Oh Galbatorix BECAME evil because he met Bachel and she manipulated him. Haha oh dear. No, you can’t just come to the conclusion the dragon rider paramilitary force who controls the resources are bad on your own. Not just because they sent you into the mountains when they knew it was dangerous and wanted to find out if you’d be killed up there! No, a manipulation had to have happened

It’s funny to me that the evil ancient witch queen who lives in seclusion in the mountains uses the new name for the city of Uru’baen. Oh no, she knows it as Ilirea. She’s hundreds and hundreds of years old. You know what that is? Evidence of Find And Replace, to me.

Bachel’s eyes are “glowing with fevered ecstasy.” I could make her feel that way. Also. Because, I know about sex

Always with the fucking passing out at the end of the chapter for Christopher James Paolini

NOW Bachel is being described appropriately as a hottie. FINALLY. GOD! It only took Murtagh being mind controlled in his brain but I. I!!! I could see the glorious light of truth!!

“He followed, dumb and wildered.” Well, not as much as that sentence. (You can be bewildered. But can you ever just be wildered????)

The dedication to making Murtagh the most pitiful little meow meow in existence in the Galbatorix flashbacks I’m… what happened to the joys of a guy who is evil because he was convinced or was tricked, not because he was fully brain abused???

The Urgals are racially… uncomfortable. Yellow eyes and Murtagh just straight up saying “how do you speak English”

The evil guys have masks and they put them on and like channel the animals the masks are of and on one hand it’s an idea I THINK is cool but also combined with the everything it really has this “tribal stuff is threatening” vibe all over it

“What do you want, witch?”

“I want you.”

Obsessed with how he’s shackled to a table and there’s still an incredible lack of sexual energy to this scene. This is like a day at the office for both of them.

… oh, but she is wearing claws and claws DOES equal a threat of penetration. Maybe a little sexual? As a treat??

Him being tortured reminds him of torturing Nasuada. Wow, it was their first date!

It’s just like. It’s fucked up imo. She should never kiss you Murtagh!!!

Is anything more boring than a torture scene.

Also, was he not drugged right before this scene? How is he able to mentally evade her and power his wards etc?

I’m mad that when he’s brought fancy foods by Alìn he doesn’t share his food with Ubek the Urgal

Oh my god Ubek tells him a story where the moral is just him outright saying at the end, “it’s important to stay close to the people we care for, even if we don’t always fit in so easily” lmao. Subtlety of a mallet

Is anything more boring than a torture scene? How about a torture chapter!!!1!1!1!

This chapter is interminable. Oh my god.

Oh, so we did all that and he gives in I guess. I can’t believe how little agency this man has had throughout this book????

Haha oh my god, Bachel is studying his nude and compliant body in front of her court. Telling him to turn around so she can inspect his back (no mention of his ass even though it is out, tragic). Fucking love it. Now that’s bdsm. Pledging my allegiance to her instantly.

I am BORED. I liked when he was at least doing things of his own volition!

He flies his dragon off on Bachel’s orders and we get the line “Never had air smelled so… so… delicious.” Cryign

GASP he’s killed… CHILDREN!!!!!!! I hate how it only becomes horrifying for him to have done these murders once he realises they’re HUMAN children. Urgal children? The implication is that would’ve been a bit tacky but ultimately fine

Prison brothers blood pact. I feel so little about this. Ubek is 5000x more interesting than Murtagh but he’s been slotted into what is unfortunately a sort of magical indigenous person trope but where instead of being a human being, he is an orc. Which makes the whole trope much worse

Murtagh touched Alìn’s face… gasp! She’s been corrupted by the Touch Of A Man!!!!! (I do not care about this.)

(I care a little. For example she didn’t touch HIM. He just reached out and she didn’t pull away. This is the biggest decision about this character’s life, and she isn’t even allowed to be the one who makes it. He decides on her behalf, and she must be okay with it. Because she doesn’t pull away or fight him off.)

(Also Paolini doesn’t seem to be aware that ‘a woman who has been pledged not to be touched by a man’ would um. USUALLY be understood by a reader as euphemistic. Not that her purity could be forever ruined by a man literally just touching her face)

The way Paolini fills Murtagh’s brainwashed dialogue with oops all ellipses makes me want to tear the book apart with my teeth

Worst: how Grieve the guy who is part urgal is perpetually referred to as “heavy-browed.” “the heavy-browed Grieve” I’m sorry but I missed phrenology school, is that bad??

Also if he’s maybe part Urgal but Murtagh is now given a chance to making it clear that some of his best friends are urgals... Why is Grieve so distastefully described? What’s wrong with being half urgal? My suspicion: it’s the bloodlines intermingling

I suspect I can just skip every fucking dream sequence and flashback. Nothing of any value in these

This one guy, Lyreth, who trapdoored Murtagh for 2.5 seconds ages ago in the book, is TWICE referenced as holding/ touching the waists of “village” or “cultist” women in his dialogue tags. That’s the full extent of it. It’s not that there’s a giggling tavern girl sprawled in his lap while he’s speaking. These faceless women are exclusively sketched into existence by how a named male character’s hand is on their waist. We don’t know anything about how they are responding to his touch, which is extra in-your-face considering that Murtagh just obliterated a woman’s ritual purity by touching her face without asking. And it’s only ever these women’s waist. It’s not their hips or thighs or boobs. He’s not kissing their necks. I’m sure in Paolini’s mind this guy touching women’s waists is meant to read as sexual, which is supposed to reinforce that he’s a scumbag… but it doesn’t work because it’s so impersonal. These women are just… unmoving waists that he is just touching. It serves as a good illustration of how women—and sex and sexuality and bodies—are handled in these books. Men are never ruled by their strong and muscular bodies. Men have minds, and magic, and telepathy battles. Even when Murtagh is on a torture table or when he’s naked in front of a powerful woman who is actively inspecting his body, he doesn’t feel vulnerable. He doesn’t have an ass or a dick. The wind doesn’t make him shiver. He’s just a Mind. But women, well. They only have bodies when men touch them. The course of Alin’s life is defined by Murtagh’s touch, and even Nasuada, a fucking queen, only gets physical description via the coins Murtagh has in his possession and his memory of the cuts and bruises he left on her body. And women also have no minds—unless they’re werecats or elves or half elves, the only kind of woman who are remotely threatening, the only kind of women who are “as good as” the baseline of human men. Nasuada is proven as Murtagh’s equal because she was able to overcome the torture of her body. If he hadn’t tortured her, or if she had broken down, she wouldn’t have proven herself worthy of being his romantic partner.

Eragon’s romantic interest also started out being tortured. Not by him, but “girl who is tortured but is too strong to give up her secrets” was her entire characterisation for a book and a half, until he rescued her. That’s uh. That’s how you find girlfriends who are good enough for your protagonists.

THESE FUCKING BOOKS.

Bachel has put Thorn in a special wrought iron muzzle. Yet again, this is just objectively cool

We learn about who the cult worships: evil dragon underground. He makes fumes come out of the earth and they brainwash people and give them visions. He will come out of the ground and eat the sun unless every living thing worships him.

Really Bachel is not leading a cult she is leading an environmental rescue mission. Quick we gotta get everyone to worship this evil dragon STAT, or he’s going to wipe out all life on earth.

Why does an evil dragon living under the earth with the power to eat the sun (?!??!) actually want or need to be worshipped by “every living thing”. What is his motivation?? And why would that stop him eating the sun?

“The sculptures would have horrified most any artist in Alagaesia, no matter their race.” Mark this down as one of the worst sentences he has written yet!!

I realise now I’ve been misremembering multiple main characters’ names

I like Bachel telling Thorn to stay, like he’s a dog. That’s good to me

Murtagh is learning about the power of friendship to heal himself last minute, I guess

Why is Murtagh pausing to duel fucking Lyreth, the most boring man in the world. Is it because of the waists he touched??? I have never felt this man was worth any time at all

NOT Paolini specifically pointing out that Lyreth “smelled of a cloying peach scented perfume” and that he’s physically weaker than Murtagh as Murtagh overcomes him. Lyreth was too feminine to be strong, in the end

This book is obsessed with the word “youngling.” Murtagh says to Thorn “don’t kill any younglings.” He’s fighting Lyreth but he’s not worried because he himself is “no longer a youngling”. Fucking fuck off! just say youth. Child. Kid. Teenager even!! Come on!!

Murtagh going “this is taking too long” in the duel: me at the whole book thus far

“Is wrong-think to worship Bachel or Azlagur,” says Ubek. This is real dialogue in a book published in real 2023. Oh yeah btw everything he says is written like this

Oh, the urgal’s size and brute strength makes him Murtagh’s equal. I see

Grieve is legitimately yelling “kill the non-believers!!” and calling them desecrators??? Cartoon hours

To start winning the fight, all Murtagh had to do was find his magic sword! It stores all his potency and he inherited it from his father. Freud?? Don’t worry about it

The cultists are bleeding green blood???? Does this mean they’re not human or is it the lighting or what.

Groups of dragons are always being described as a Thunder Of. They’re only ever being described in visions but it’s always being described as “a thunder of dragons”, because Paolini is very proud of inventing his very own collective noun for dragons I guess

Buncha little pasty freaks showing up.

Murtagh’s ultimate challenge: he has to fight one hundred gollums

Paolini inventing new guys for his dungeon at unprecedented rates

Murtagh is legitimately busy trying to think of new names for his sword NOW?? He is just going to stop in the middle of this urgent fight to go find where the bad woman (Bachel) took the good woman (Alìn) to go “my sword has a bad name. It could have a good name.” Did he not have time while he was mouldering in the dungeon to think about this

He’s checking his compendium, like in video games.

Books have never been worse. If Murtagh/Paolini calls this sword Scar I will legitimately never know peace

Oh the sword is called Freedom now. Get it? Like America? It’s the most important value??

“Seeing the armor, Murtagh realized that the leather garb the cultists had donned for the festival of black smoke had been made to resemble Bachel's fantastic suit.”

what a sentence

This is the worst

I hate how her spear has a name and a dramatic history. Like come on

Fucking mind battles again

Alin is just… I’m sorry to her, but she’s not a real person. She’s a cardboard cutout in distress

The final boss fight should not be taking place in the magical world of the mind

Now she’s calling him “infidel?” Okay

The ultimate battle: the structuring power of masculine language versus the primeval chaos of raw women’s emotion!!! Who will win!! Hint: Christopher Paolini wrote this!

“She seemed merely a woman again.”

‘Merely’ is how Paolini always describes women (when he thinks they’re worth describing of course)

Wait… is the only reason Bachel has been intimidating REALLY just because she’s been channelling a tough evil boy dragon? Once the mask is gone and he’s not empowering her… she’s merely…

I’m going to kick Christopher Paolini’s fucking ass

Murtagh feels so emotionally close to Bachel. As he splits her skull. Normal book

For real why were ALL the Riders so afraid of Bachel??? The gas fumes? Face masks not invented?? This seems pretty easy to solve like if they’d just. Sent more than one guy?

He passes out and the chapter ends of course. Then he wakes up in the city

Ah, Alin is blonde and blue eyed. She was a pale skinned virgin who needed rescuing from an evil and also foreign almond eyed amber skinned woman who was whipping her. You know how it goes

I hate how Alìn always calls Murtagh “my lord.” She’s like one of those medieval fighting game banners of a sexy woman. She’s a cartoon.

Isn’t it a shame that when Murtagh hastily gets out of bed to bow to Nasuada he is wearing pants. So much funnier if he wasn’t

I’m so over this book holy shit

Oh, for being the apparently only sole survivor of Murtagh’s obliteration of her cult and everything she’s ever known, Alìn is being promoted to… Nasuada’s maid. That’s not what she asked for. That’s just what she’s being told she’s going to do from now on. Fucking hell.

Nasuada is Jealous of this blonde woman and I was afraid for her because Nasuada is also famously the only black woman on the continent. But of course she has nothing to fear because only the most powerful woman in the land could ever be remotely Murtagh’s equal, which she proved by being stronger at being tortured than him

She asks him to stay and she touches his hand just lightly

The END??

They don’t even kiss?!!!?!! I had to read it twice to be sure. SEXLESS BOOK.

#how do I tag this. probs not in the official tag right #Murtagh: Don’t Read It!!!#DONT READ IT #I can’t believe how much money Christopher Paolini is worth… I also can’t believe he managed to father two children #man doesn’t know what women children OR sex are. how did he manage to solve that equation twice over

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serialadoptersbracket · 12 days

Text

Round 5, Match 3: The Fix vs. Kanan Jarrus and Hera Syndulla

Submitted kids:

The Fix: Conrad Schintz, and then he adopted like, an whole orphanage, named Madam Loathings home for wayward interests

Kanan and Hera: Ezra Bridger, Sabine Wren, Zeb Orrelios, Chopper

Propaganda under the cut!

The Fix:

1. “Ok ok so. Spoilers for mentopolis: First some context that mentopolis is a show that takes place inside one guys brain, all the characters represent something in the brain, and the guy whos brain they are in, named Elias Hodge, is so so very sad.

Ok so, The Fix, the personification of hyper fixation, is like is someone who has spent most of his life working for people, where his job was to 'eliminate distractions' (He kills people, basically). Then one day he is told to eliminate a child. His name is Conrad Schintz (Or the Conscience, due to an accident that happened to the guys who's brain they are in when he was a child- Conrad stopped thing he was useful, aka Elias stopped using his conscience, so his conscience has not grown since the incident, leaving him a small child)

The Fix has never had to hurt a kid before, and he doesn't want to do that, so he instead goes into protecting Conrad. Conrad kind of hates himself though and also kind of thinks he deserves to die so that's not good.

The Fix gave this like, beautiful speech to Conrad once about how hes important, I wont give the whole thing but something along the lines of "There is a butterfly who has a tail that is there for if a bird was to grab on to the tail, it would break off and the butterfly would escape. I don't think you are the tail of the butterfly, I think you are the butterfly." (its better in the actual show). I cry. There is another speech about eagles he gives Conrad when Conrad offers himself, to basically die, but i don't remember it that well.

Other then Conrad though! So There is this orphanage, called Madama Loathings home for wayward interests. Basically its a bunch of kids that represent past interests of Elias. Its run by this women called Madam Loathing (represents Elias' self Loathing)(she is very mean to the kids). The Fix donates a lot of money to this place, and visits a lot, the kids there love him and think he is so so cool. There is this one kid named Ronnie Reptile. He loves reptiles, and The fix gives him reptile facts, its cute. In the first episode, The Fix tells Madam Loathing how any of those kids/interests could be rediscovered by Elias at any time, and madam loathing sort of taunts The Fix, sort of saying how "Oh I'm sure I can tell the kids they will call be adopted by The Fix soon, but that would be kind of cruel, wouldn't it?" Implying that that won't happen. (cause, The Fix is hyper fixation, and hyper fixation adopting an interest would be good, you know.).

Note that Conrad used to live at madam loathing's, because he was mis identified as just a simple interest and not Elias' whole sense of conscience, but Corad ran away with his best friend, a dog named Justin. He lived on the streets after that.*

So a bit later on in the series The Fix and Conrad have to go to to madam loathing's together (and another character is with them but he isnt relevant for this). When they get there Madam Loathing asks The fix if he is here to drop of Conrad here, and The immediately is like "Absolutely not, shut the fuck up." (I think that's the direct quote). I just really like that scene.

At the end, end of the series. Some plot stuff happens. The Fix met a women named Pasha N (She represents Passon), and they are in love, The fix proposes to her, its sweet, but then madam Loathing, who got some like, character growth I won't really go into here, and she says to The Fix how, she needs to go on a trip to find herself, and then she offers the entire orphanage to The Fix and Pasha, which is accepted. So in the end of the show, The Fix has basically adopted, that entire orphanage, so thats a lot of kids, along with Pasha, but she isn't in the show as much so I wont submit them as a pair. I didnt mention it before but The Fix is known for knowing a lot of facts and saying "Did you know." before saying a fact, which a lot of the time, it is a fact that is truly terrifying but thats a lot, and The narration at the end of the shows, says how The Fix and Pasha spend their lives with kids around them, constantly saying "Did you know? Did you know?" and it is very sweet. Conrad sort of had his own ending away from The Fix, but I still head cannon that The Fix adopted him too and Conrad comes to the orphanage sometimes.”

2. “listen. i don't know if this really counts as propaganda but just saying, mr. the fix thinks you're not the tail of a swallowtail butterfly. you are the butterfly.”

Kanan Jarrus and Hera Syndulla:

“The parents ever. Healthiest family dynamics in the galaxy. Families that kill fascists together stay together. Kanan managed to keep an extremely traumatized child on the light side of the force, Hera kept a volatile Mandalorian from blowing herself up (and Chopper from murdering everyone). So good at adopting, they taught Ezra to adopt uncles with increasingly homicidal tendencies. So good at adopting, they successfully competed with the aforementioned crime uncles and kept Ezra. So good at adopting, they managed to adopt a grown ass man 10 years older than them.”

#the fix #kanan jarrus #hera syndulla #mentopolis #dimension twenty #star wars #dimension 20 #kanera #dropout tv #star wars rebels #serial adopters bracket #round 5 #tumblr tournament #tumblr polls

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cielles-random-vault · 1 year

Text

i missed you so much sunshine! (hobie x reader)

aaaa brainrot fic go boom boom :D

inspired by the pavitr x hobie ship dynamic except it's hobie x reader :D

this is VERYYYY much full of fluff because i'm in little space and qnq gotta feed y'all /hj

so like yea :3 lil plot you had to go far from hobie for some reason as you're a very well-known journalist and he's,,,, well he's spiderman :>

lonely series part one || lonely series part two|| hobie headcanons

also hobie is a bit ooc ahhg

you sighed in relief as you unlock the door of your apartment. it was some time since you saw your boyfriend any other way than on a screen, so it was no surprise the two of you ran into each other's arms as soon as you crossed the door.

it had been some time since you went on a date because of your respective job, which both were time consuming, but it only made every encounter more unique.

"i'm home!" you sing as you enter the room. you barely had the time to close the door your boyfriend ran to hug you.

"missed ya a whole bunch sunshine, glad you're finally home" hobie said as he shoved his head into your shoulders and covered your face in soft kisses.

he stepped back a bit from the hug and cupped your face.

"you're wonderful my love" he whispers, "i missed you so much."

"i know, i know" you say with a smirk. "i missed you too."

"oh! by the way! now that you're here i have a surprise for you!" he suddenly remembered

(is this too much dialogue? i never know i js try my best to make the scene as alive as possible ��)

he held your hand as the two of you went walking down the streets.

you couldn't help but smile as he told you random anecdotes on his daily spiderman activities: the time he got in a fight with miguel, the time miles got in a fight with pavitr because he kept saying chai tea and so on...

hobie was... different with you. when you were with him in the haedquarters (hehe you being a journalist was actually a cover for you being a spiderperson :3) he seemed rough and careless, but when he was with you he was sweet,caring - quite the opposite you knew him as.

"aaand there!" he said as you reached a small shop. "after you!"

the buzzing sounds of what seemed tattoo machines greeted you as you entered the small building.

"is this some kind of piercing shop?" you ask in disbelief.

"yup" said your boyfriend. " i remember the time you said how much you wanted a septum piercing, so as soon as i knew you'd come back to town today i took an apointment! plus the person who makes the piercings is someone you know vey well"

hobie took you to a small room with dimmed colorful lights.

"pav??? what the fuck are you doing here??" you said before hugging your best friend. "i didnt know you worked here"

"ask your boyfriend, he's the one who invited me over!" pavitr said cheerfully.

ngl i'm lazy to write the piercing scene because that'd be uninteresting so like- the following scene is you and hobie going out of the piercer

"waaaa this is so pretty :OO" you say noticing your brand new septum piercing. " so you were just planning this along when you couldn't stay on the phone?" you remark amused.

as the two of you walked back home, you noticed something strange on your boyfriend's expression. you couldn't quite put your finger on it, but he sure looked happy.

this all fank yew for reading :3 the end is a bit rushed im sorry 😭 i feel like adding stuff would be unuseful so :3

am in a v fluffy mood rn so expect more hobie hcs :3 (is fr about time i work on sharpening those nsfw writing skills but 👩🏻‍🦯)

#x reader #hobie x reader #hobie brown x reader #hobie brown #atsv hobie #across the spider verse #spiderman atsv #spiderman across the spiderverse #spider punk #spider punk x reader #spider punk x you #across the spiderverse #across the spiderverse x reader #fluff #atsv fluff #kaheri's chronicles #spiderpunk x reader #hobie spiderverse #lgbtq

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fumiyami · 4 months

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MY OPINIONS ON DIFFERENT TOKOYAMI SHIPS!!!!

TokoTsuyu (Tokoyami x Asui)

• both animal based!!

•teamed up for that one thing of 1A against the teachers and was a good team

•saw a fanfic of these two on ao3 and it made me think of them two more!!

•I see Tsu as a lesbian mostly but none of their sexualities are confirmed (and let’s be real most of them are gonna be straight😰)

Overall: 4/10

BakuToko (Bakugou x Tokoyami)

•I saw a bunch of fics of these two and they were mostly all super good!!

•but y’all I hate bakugou’s character😓 (don’t send me death threats please and thanks!!)

•still though those fics changed my perspective on these ships

•also like super aggressive x super calm is a good trope!!

Overall: 5/10

TokoYama (Tokoyami x Aoyama)

•u guys i’m coming out as a tokoyama shipper!!! :((

•I LIVE for the trope of sun x moon

•also they have so many things in common!! like: both being insecure (I think), both having belly button quirks, both speaking in an unusual way (yuga speaking french and fumi being like gothic and stuff), and having a set aesthetic (yuga being bright and shiny while fumi’s all dark and broody)

•i’ve seen SO MANY cute fics of these two!! one of my personal favourites: Your Love Is Sunlight by Rainy_Day_Lemonade on AO3!!

•most birds are attracted to shiny things!! yuga is a very shiny thing!!

•I imagine yuga stealing fumi’s heart by first making dark shadow warming up to him!!

Overall: 10/10 (MY FAVOURITE MHA SHIP)

KuroYami (Kuroiro x Tokoyami)

•I don’t know much about this ship or kuroiro in general but he seems cool!!

•they’re both like dark-based or gothic!!

•I feel like it would take dark shadow a long time to warm up to kuroiro due to like him controlling him that one time?? I wouldn’t know I skipped past that scene :((

•also!! kuroiro canonically already has a crush and I don’t really like going against canon or anything!! (I like when my delusional mind can at least imagine my ships being possible)

•the opposite of opposites attract😥

Overall: 3/10

TokoKami (Tokoyami x Kaminari)

•i’ve seen like one fic of this and it was super good!!

•also I saw these fanmade mha tweets on tiktok by this person called Az who ships denki and fumi and it was so cute!! like: Denki: Tokoyami keeps giving me rocks what do I do??? (or something like that)

•I don’t know much about denki (or anyone other than fumikage and mina for that matter) but he seems like a good character!!

•I don’t see much of these two though :((

•another sun x moon trope?? maybe?? opposites attract?

•there’s official art of fumikage and denki sitting next to each other and stuff so :))

Overall: 4/10

TokoShoji (Tokoyami x Shoji)

•I had no idea what colour to do for Shoji so I just went blue :((

•anyways my heteromorph boys!!

•I don’t think of these two much but I keep seeing cute fanart of them on pinterest!!

•I think they’re friends in canon??!

•I feel like this would be a possibility like if any of these ships were to happen it’d be either TokoTsuyu or TokoShoji!!

•i’m so sorry but I did almost forget about Shoji entirely (I love the man I really do!! such a gentleman)

•not much to say but I like the height difference!! short x tall!!

Overall: 6/10

TokoJirou (Tokoyami x Jirou)

•this ship could also be a possibility in some far away universe!!

•they had a drama cd together about jirou being scared of ghosts while her and fumikage explored a haunted building of UA and she grabbed onto the hem of his shirt the whole time which was cool!

•they both have cool aesthetics!!

•both play guitar so they could do like duets together or something

•oh em gee I just thought of them doing a cover of that one song where it’s like “they’re only human they don’t see” or whatever!! (sorry y’all I barely know that song🤯🤯)

•I prefer either jirou x denki or jirou x momo but tokojirou is fantastic as well!!

•but I also have a slight grudge against jirou for personal reasons..(don’t kill me)

Overall: 6/10

TokoKoda (Tokoyami x Koda)

•both heteromorphs!!

•some people headcanon them as both autistic so that’s cool they can like sympathise with each other!!

•I headcanon fumikage to know sign language so if koda goes non verbal then they can communicate!!

•ALSO. animal based quirk x animal based human!!

•both of their favourite animals are probably birds and I love that

•BUT I don’t know much about koda enough and I don’t see much content of this ship :((

Overall: 3/10

I LOVE ALL SHIPS WITH TOKOYAMI REALLY (except for one..looking at you hawks x tokoyami😟😟) AS LONG AS THEYRE LEGAL AND HEALTHY!!

#fumikage #fumikage tokoyami #mha fumikage #mha tokoyami #tokoyami #my hero academia #anime #tokoyama

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foreverautumn89 · 2 months

Text

@linklonk06

I completely agree with you. You're right. I know they'll never like Jonathan. Because the real reason the anti-jonathan st fans hate Jonathan is because of how he looks. Their: ''Hes ugly'' comments every 5 seconds don't help keep it a secret either. It's not about anything else. The anti-Jonathan fans made that perfectly clear a bunch of times. They're shallow and hung up on his looks and everyones looks [another way they're like the town of Hawkins btw]

And since its about looks and Jonathan/Charlie's looks are never going to change, so then the fans are never going to change thier attitude towards him and they're going to continue to bash him and make up lies and paint him as a villain in scenes where he was a victim you know the usual…

Looking at this logically: The real reason why they hate Jonathan isn't because of anything hes done. They're just excuses for their bad behavior. Because if it was about stuff hes done wrong then why doesn't that mentality apply to all their favorite characters then? there are SO SO many characters on this show that they adore or sympathize with who have done a lot worse and intentionally done horrible things intending to hurt ppl while jonathan only did something bad ONE TIME which was an accident and he apologized for [but according to them he didn't-another lie they tell].

AND the fans had to even blow that situation out of proportion that whole scene and claim it was something completely different than what it actually was so they could make him look really bad. And they added lies on top of it that almost all the other fans took as the holy gospel too.

Oh thats another way they make it obvious what its really about// why they really hate Jonathan: So you know how when they try to explain to us why they hate Jonathan so much/why we should hate Jonathan and we're horrible ppl if we don't…

It's about how BOGUS their reasons and excuses always are.

so...they either straight up lie about something hes done OR its always some far fetched take on it that you don't understand how they reached that conclusion. Or it was it explained on the show already that it was a misunderstanding. [S1] for example.

But they ignore that and keep up with their narrative on it anyway. that Jonathan is a monster and a pervert ext ext even though they've been proved wrong already or their conclusion was so wild and far fetched and grasping at straws that you don't even know where they got that idea from.

So either they're all delusional and can't follow a straight line or possibly never even watched the show and just are getting their info on it from tumblr OR they know they're fully aware that they are full of it and lyijng and making stuff up and its really about his looks [that they also make it a point to bring up and bash every 5 seconds]. Add to that: that they excuse the other characters bad behavior if they find them attractive even when those ppl have done REALLY HORRIBLE UNFORGIVEABLE THINGS especially when compared to Jonathan, but they forgive those ppl, but Jonathan is a villain.

It's just like 1+2=3. It's just that simple.

And in the cases of some of these anti-jonathan ppl: we are talking about ppl who defend Vecna here. Now I'm all for playing devil's advocate and trying to understand a character and see their depth but this is something different. they can understand yk somehow like Vecna and sympathize but you can't with Jonathan? What does Vecna have that Jonathan doesn't? Hmm….. lets think Fans react to Vecna: 'I love him. hes so so hot I want him to Vecna me' Fans react to Jonathan: I hate him and omg he's so ugly'

Its not a big mystery what its really about. They tattle on themselves and I don't think they realize it.

So trying to argue with them about the things Jonathan has done wrong [most of which they misunderstood/or spun it to make him look like the villain/or they're just straight up lies] is pointless. It's not going to make them see reason because thats not the real reason why they ever hated Jonathan in the first place.

#jonathan byers #stranger things #stranger things 5

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ithinkabouttzu · 7 months

Note

Hello! I love your writing and was wondering if you could do TP reunion headcanons? Like how they would be once you reunite after the war?

Have a nice day :)

The Pacific reunion with you after the war!

genre: Romance; fluff

warnings: Crying, sad themes, reader is called beautiful, but reader is gn!

description: The pacific boys’ meeting with you (their s/o) for the first time after the war

a/n: Thank you for this request! I hope I got it right!! Enjoy my beloved!! 💗💗

Eugene Sledge

• for him it’s a whole bunch of emotions when he sees you waiting for him at the train station

• he wants to cry, but also kinda just wants to laugh because of how happy he is to see you

•Looking at you out of the window, you look so beautiful. His chest pounds thinking at how lonely it must of been for you while he was gone

• When he finally gets off the train and makes his way to you, It’s like meeting you for the first time all over again.

• He’s nervous, because it’s been so long since he’s actually seen you, What if you don’t like him anymore? what if something happened while he was gone and you don’t see a future with him?

• All of those worries in his head immediately vanish when he succumbs to your warm embrace, it’s like time had never really passed at all.

• “I missed you, don’t ever want to leave you like that again”

Sidney Phillips:

• Wow, he can’t wait to kiss those soft lips of yours. When he sees you he’s ready to jump off the train while it’s still going because he just can’t wait any longer

• When he does get off, he’s running towards you, dropping all of his luggage as soon as he gets to you, and picking you and swinging you around with joy

• He causes quite a scene but it makes you overjoyed to know he missed you just as much. Seeing that bright smile on his face makes you almost forget how long you guys were apart.

• He’s honestly just so happy, you’re his home, someone he feels safe with, someone that’s always there for him when he needs you, he’s finally back with his person after so long

• He has so much to ask you once he’s set you down, some stuff that he couldn’t fit into letters, all he wants to do is get home and talk to you about everything and catch up fully.

• Oh, and except a million kisses from there and on the way home too

• “Oh honey, I missed you like crazy”

Robert Leckie

• Once he’s made his way home, said hello to his parents and put his luggage down, he’s immediately on his way to your place.

• He can’t wait to see you any longer, he’s not even sure what he’s gonna do when he sees you, all he can feel is excitement bubbling in his stomach

• When gets there, he stops, scared to knock, he’s nervous to see you in so long, before the door swings opens and it’s you who’s on the other side.

• Wow, you look amazing, that sweet smile on your face is everything to him, he suddenly feels self conscious under your gaze, his appearance changed with time.

• It’s silent, both of you are admiring one another like a breakable antique, afraid to touch but still in awe of each other. He can’t wait to say anything anymore, “You’re still as beautiful as before” He smiles at you, waiting for a reply.

• “You haven’t changed at bit either, i’ve missed you” You reply back, following it with a big hug, wrapping him up in your arms.

• “I almost forgot how amazing your hugs were”

Lew ‘Chuckler’ Juergens:

• He’s ecstatic to see you, a big smile is on his face and he couldn’t hide his excitement even if he wanted to.

• Similar to Sidney, he’s picking you up off the ground and spinning you around, but he’s also planting bunches of small kisses all over your face in joy. He knows exactly how to make you feel like the only person in the room.

• He doesn’t even know what to say, or what to think, other then an overwhelming amount of happiness inside of him, he’s just so happy to be with you, he feels complete again.

• When he sets you down he just looks at you in shock, you’re actually here with him, he never thought the day would come when he would get to hold you in his arms again

• “God, i’ve missed you, more than you’ll ever know”

• He’ll probably continue to kiss and hug on you for the rest of the week, not letting you out for his sight at all, with continuous confessions of his love for you.

• “I’ll spend my whole life loving you doll, I mean that.”

Merriell ‘Snafu’ Shelton:

• When gets off the train, he immediately makes his way to your home, he can’t wait any longer to see you, even if it’s later in the night.

• When he gets there and sees you he’s in shock, all he can you is hug you at the moment.

• He feels so many emotions at once, he’s lost so many people to the war, and you’re the first bit of warmth he’s felt in years, he doesn’t want to lose you, he can’t lose you.

• As he’s hugging you he snugs his face into your hair, breathing you in, he’s close to letting his tears fall but he holds them, he’s missed you so much.

• “You been gettin’ along alright without me?” He asks you, raising up from the kiss. You can tell he’s still a little nervous.

• “Barely” You whisper back softly, you can’t say anything more because his lips are connected to yours almost immediately.

• “Let me make up the lost time, dolly. Let me make it up to you. ”

John Basilone:

• Boy is he happy to see you, you’re still fine as ever to him, so good-looking it almost takes his breath away.

• He picks you up and kisses you passionately before you can even say welcome home.

• He’s just glad he’s back to you in one piece, he loves you so much and is so ready to enjoy some alone time with you. All he can do is kiss you over and over again

• “How are you, honey?” Is the first thing he says to you. His voice as smooth and deep as rich chocolate.

• “Good, and you?” “Better now that i’m here with you” He replies back with that familiar smirk on his face

• He can’t feel much more love then what he feels right now, he’s so excited and happy to be with you again, after so long he can finally say everything is back to normal.

• “I love you honey, I hope you always know that”

R.V. Burgin

• Just imagine the smile on the sweet boy’s face when he sees you for the first time in years, he’s so happy and joyous to be around you.

• He feels shy but also not really? It’s just because he hasn’t seen you since forever so it’s kinda all knew to him again, but he doesn’t make it awkward at all, he just reminds you how much he missed you.

• “You know, when it was rough at night out there, I thought of you and then I could finally get some sleep” He immediately starts telling you stories and more about the people he met

• But still he asks you how you are and if anything had changed while he was gone, “I’m glad you didn’t run off with some rich guy while I was gone” 😭

• He probably carries you bridal style in to your guys’ home together and if you guys weren’t already married then he would probably propose soon.

• In general he’s just so enlightened to see you, it just takes so much stress off of his chest.

• “I love you darling, forever and ever”

Wilbur ‘Runner’ Conley

• When he sees you waiting for him at the train stop his heart picks up so much speed and he feels like he could vomit.

• The waiting almost became unbearable for him, he’d have his luggage ready to set out to you

• When he does get to you he can’t hold back his emotions, he’s so happy all he can do it take you into a big bear hug and laugh

• “Long time no see, right, stranger?” He just looks at you with so much love in his eyes, he’s never felt better then when he’s with you

• He’s just ready for a future with you now, ready to take the next step with you and make you his partner forever

• “I missed you too much, I love you sweetheart.”

Bill ‘Hoosier’ Smith

• It’s like he falls in love with you all over again when he sees you waiting up for him.

• He turns so soft when he feels you in his arms, all he can do is hold you tightly in hopes that you won’t let go

• “I missed you a lot, I don’t ever want to feel that way again”

• He saves the tears for later when you guys are alone, but for now all he can do is kiss you over and over again.

• He’ll probably save a little gift for you to and give it to you then, like I said he really missed you.

• He’ll probably be super close to you for the rest of the day, trying to catch up and see how different it’s changed back home.

• “I love you so much, I promise i’ll never leave again”

I loved this request!! If you enjoyed, make sure to like or reblog! <333

#eugene sledge #sidney phillips #robert leckie #chuckler juergens #snafu shelton #john basilone #runner conley #rv burgin #bill hoosier smith #the pacific reacts #the pacific ships #the pacific headcannons #the pacific #the pacific reactions #ithinkabouttzu

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o-uncle-newt · 1 year

Text

I'm not going to reblog Neil Gaiman's thing about how S2's episodes "don't have any fat on them" but I DO have some (spoilery) reactions to that below the cut-

OK so I already did another post here where I gave my impressions of the writing- but Gaiman mentioning this actually reminded me of something that I didn't put in there at all but kind of wish I had.

Because honestly, I don't think that the episodes not having any fat on them is a good thing.

Here's the thing- Good Omens, the book and the first season of the TV show, is a bunch of set pieces that loosely come together into a plot. The TV show less so, maybe- there's more of an effort to create a narrative- but fundamentally it's a bunch of ridiculous stuff all strung together to create the Apocalypse. (Like, there's a reason why book fans were so upset when the Four Other Horsemen of the Apocalypse didn't show up in the show- they did literally nothing for the plot but they were absolutely hilarious.)

So far, in the first 2 episodes of S2, I have to agree with Gaiman that there's no fat on them. And I think that's one of the things that kind of threw me. EVERYTHING that has happened thus far has felt like it's something that's probably going to lead to something else, like it's connective tissue for the upcoming story that will presumably make more sense later- and while there's plenty of entertainment and humor and sweetness, it's all to the point. You have to be paying attention, you have to take everything seriously (even if it's something that by rights feels inherently unserious) because it could matter later.

In S1, you didn't have to think too carefully about why a telemarketer is being eaten by maggots or even why there's still a witchfinder in the 21st century (for the show) because fundamentally it doesn't REALLY matter. Something will all come together at the end and in the meantime you can just enjoy it in the spirit in which it's given, which is of course an insane one. Each scene is just fun on its own. (I think this is in some ways truer in the book than the show- there were a lot of these scenes that I don't think worked on the show- but that was more about the execution than the concept.)

The fat in S1 was the good part, really. The plot wasn't all that important- it was all the moments along the way.

The closest thing to fat (to continue to use the metaphor) in S2, so far, is the minisode. It's the only thing where it doesn't necessarily feel like you'll be tested on it later. And it's also easily the best part of those episodes! You can just watch it and take all the ridiculousness for granted because it doesn't really matter. It's there to draw out the characters, it's there to give the world more color, and it's there to entertain.

Not that S2 isn't also there to entertain- it very much is, but it doesn't really have time to. It can be silly and random in the way that the book and S1 are, but instead of those being random throwaway moments (like Newt blacking out all of Dorking in the book- which signifies that his tech-unsavviness may be relevant to the plot later but is really mostly just there to entertain because it's so out-there), they are intrinsically tied into whatever the plot will turn out to be. That's really clear, even though we don't actually know yet exactly what the plot is going to be! The leanness of the plot is immediately evident.

I think, so far, that the main negative consequence is that it makes it so much harder to suspend disbelief. When you have a ridiculous moment in a throwaway scene, that's worldbuilding- it shows that this is the kind of world where ridiculous things happen, and then when a particular ridiculous moment ends up being important to the plot, that's fine because it's part of a whole constellation of ridiculous things in this ridiculous world- they've already deconstructed our sense of disbelief. When all you're getting is plot, when something a bit crazy happens you're like "oh, hang on, that doesn't make sense, that's a bit farfetched."

I think that that's one of the things that, so far, is giving "fanfic vibes" to the first two episodes. Maggie and Nina get locked into the cafe? In their first episode?! When we know that they're going to get together?!?! That's ridiculous. In the book and to a lesser degree S1, where like five other ridiculous things would have already happened that aren't heavily signaled to be important to the plot (Gabriel doesn't count because we know he's important to the plot too), this would just be one more ridiculous thing. In S2, it feels like something we need to suspend disbelief for because we haven't really had it suspended for us yet.

Everything I write about Good Omens here is going to come down to John Finnemore in the end because I can't help myself lol, but honestly, my first thought was "well he's really into plotting, so maybe this is part of that." But- he's also done nine and a bit seasons of a sketch show. While he was writing this he was also writing a season of JFSP (the sublime S9) where there was very minimal plot but everything was propelled by character building sketches, very much in the spirit of Good Omens. He knows exactly the power of random ridiculous moments to build the world and explain its ludicrousness. When him being a writer was announced, I saw so many people say "he's definitely got a bonkers enough brain to do this" except that it turns out that, while true, his bonkers sketch-writing brain doesn't really have a lot to do here.

That, plus the fact that I'd be really surprised from everything that I've heard over the last 2ish years if Gaiman wasn't the first and final voice behind everything written for this season, leads me to the conclusion that the issue might just be that S2 may be, as a group effort, over-plotted for its length. There's little room to breathe and live in the world. There are barely any humans, and as such there's not much time to remember that the story is set in a world where humans matter, which, as I pointed out in my previous post, is something that was really important in Good Omens the book and S1. It just doesn't have any fat.

Now- I should be clear- as I said with the other post, it is way too early to tell if GO2 is good or not, because all of the stuff in E1-2 was clearly building up to other things that haven't happened yet. I actually think S2 probably will be good. The above may not be "issues" per se. But I do think that talking about the original Good Omens like the "fat" is the problem kind of misses the point of why so many people liked it- and leaves GO2 with a pretty big burden to overcome in order to convince viewers that it is a continuation of the same world and same story they loved in S1.

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens s2 #good omens season 2 #good omens spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers #gos2 spoilers #go2 spoilers #john finnemore #john finnemore's souvenir programme #jfsp s9 #because I can't help myself

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tiofrean · 2 years

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Oh boy... OH BOY... I was reading through comments and tags under that Flint vs. Stede post (and before that in Silver vs. Oluwande post) and OH BOY RANT INCOMING

Feel free to ignore. No, I'm prickly about this.

I LOVE how people are like "Black Sails fans are so mean why are they like that T.T ?" in the tags and comments.

LET ME TELL YOU.

So we have this show that has been marginalized and has been pushed to the side for years. A show that has excellent plot, wonderful intrigue, magnificent representation and well-written, 3D characters that are complex and relatable. You get your edgy queer men (whether you want to characterize Flint as gay or bi, doesn't change the fact that he likes dick whichever way), you get your edgy queer girls (Anne), you get your flamboyant whatever-the-fuck-Jack-Rackham-is (<3), you get sweet gays (Thomas), you get confused bisexuals (Eleanor, Silver), you get straight sweets (Miranda) and straight angery dicks (Woodes Rogers), and competent, edgy straights (Vane). Oh! A competent, master-of-the-house lesbian? Check (Max). You even have asexuals, or that is what I shall forever classify Billy as. You have a f/f sex scene in the first damn episode, ffs. You get threesomes (sexual, romantic), you get couples, you even have Silver in a brothel orgy.

But sexual representation is not ALL! You get goofy pirates (Jack Rackham), you get serious pirates (Blackbeard), you get balls of rage (Flint), you get chill, laid-back sea dogs (Gates), you get competent little weasels (Silver), you get incompetent rats (Dufrense). You also have marvelous extras and side characters (Beauclerc the marksman, Captain Fruit-Fruit, Idelle... OHMYGOD IDELLE <3333).

There's the political plot that's historically accurate, the story's plot that's Flint's big gay rage, there's the sociological context of being painted as a monster, there's the gold hunt, there are ships correctly operated by crews of more than five fucking people, there are guns, blood and realistic injuries. You get quotations and allusions to Shakespeare, Cervantes, Julius Caesar, Marcus Fucking Aurelius, a metric ton of other classical writers. You get so many tropes done right it's astonishing and too effing long to list them all here.

On top of that, there is the picturesque landscape, absolutely gorgeous ships and very accurate portrayal of how life looked back then.

We had to defend that show when it first came out, the actors had to fucking fight homophobic assholes upon the airing of season two (IMAGINE THAT), people who loved it had a hard time going around, although admittedly it's a "fandom" hard time, not a "real life" hard time. We persisted, we persevered, and now we're here, clinging to what's left of our fandom, because we are admittedly all over the place and we don't have "troops" on any one social media, which makes our numbers small in comparison to other fandoms, and makes fandom interactions very limited.

Now imagine that there aired a show... a pirate show promising a lot. And then the show turned out to be an office-type comedy with no lesbian/bi women representation (I may be wrong, but I did watch it out of curiosity, didn't see any, just guys). A show that the whole plot of is just a rendition of the Beauty and the Beast for pirate times with so many historical inaccuracies (couching your crew like a bunch of office workers? Plz. The way they speak and the concepts they talk of that weren't there? It's like they were sitting around a fire, holding hands and singing kumbaya). And don't get me wrong, there's place for those shows as well, and maybe it works for you (and great for you too!).

We tried to ignore it, really we did. We basically gave it the eyebrow-raise-huff-ignore thing that you do on the internet when you want someone to enjoy their stuff and are not interested in it yourself.

But you know what happened? Suddenly there were people on twitter tagging everyone and their dog from Black Sails with renditions of Flint/Izzy (Izzy who comes across as an extreme asshole at best and a homophobic shit at worst and you can't fault people for reading it like this). Let that sink in - our fandom babe Flint, who had his whole life ruined due to homophobia and homophobic assholes is suddenly being shipped with a guy who suspiciously fits the description a bit too much for our tastes. Wouldn't you get angry? Of course you would, we're all very protective of our babes. We are, you are, everyone is. We asked you not to do this, and while I admit that hurling curses your way might not have been the most polite way of asking you to stop, the message was clear enough. What does OFMD fandom do? They all double down. Double fucking down on fanfiction and tagging everything in BS again, pairing Flint and Izzy together, writing things way out of the realm of any possibilities because most of the writers didn't watch BS (I did read their comments on that. They weren't even sorry). If you take such character and throw him into a work of art that can and will be seen as controversial, you should at least have the decency to do your homework on the original work he comes from. Otherwise, to our eyes, you're taking the most wronged man from our beloved show, wronged due to his sexuality, and throw him together with a literal asshole just to see them fuck because they would look pretty (and that's an actual comment from one of the artists, I shit you not). Wouldn't you feel a bit angry about that? I bet you would.

What's worse, people loving Black Sails and not liking OFMD usually point out how narrow the representation is, how improbable the show is and how they're not remotely invested in the plot. It's a cheesy show for your average Sunday afternoon, don't make it into something it's not. It's not a political statement any more than Guess The Tune is.

What's more, when I've seen attempts at people pointing out the obvious flaws in plot, in logic (how many people crew that ship exactly? How is he not dead after being stabbed clean through with a sword?), all we've gotten was "Oh it's not that type of show, OBVIOUSLY", "it's just a comedy, duh" and my personal favorite "you just DON'T UNDERSTAND IT BOOMER". (I'm a late Millennial, thx). Every attempt was chucked out the window. What got me most, tho, was the high praise of OFMD IS THE FIRST SHOW TO [insert whatever queer thing it did supposedly]. No, it's not. There was even a post on twitter that debunked all those claims one by one. I get it, you're happy that you got your gay pirates, good for you. But give credit where credit's due, otherwise you're gonna piss off a lot of people. People who watched our show struggle and crawl so that your show can run today and be fine and accepted widely.

And personally, I felt disappointed watching it because of the lack of representation. Disappointed that Ed turned out to be just as rainbowy as Stede. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against rainbowy, ultra-sweet characters that are big softies. I love them. But not everyone in the lgbtq community is like that. Actually, it's the minority. There are your sweets, there are your glittery rainbows, but the majority is on the more... inconspicuous part of the scale. And there are edgy people (like myself) who don't like glitter, pink, feathers, fluff and a shitton of other things this show had in abundance. You know what made me wince while watching? When I realized that the only person who I could remotely like for the way they weren't so glittery-rainbowy-sweet was Izzy, and I hated him because he was an asshole. Even Jim got the fluffy af oranges arch. So not my (and others') cup of tea.

So yeah, our recent anger and rabidity is not based solely on one post about an insignificant poll (that you're winning only because our fandom is significantly smaller and most people are dispersed between different sites). It's all those things combined and it's the result of them.

And no, I'm not going to finish it with a "please forgive us if we seem a bit angery, we're coping". Flint wouldn't.

#black sails #rant #im not sorry #flint vs stede #silver vs oluwande #ofmd #the only time im using that tag #were angry and heres why

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frau-kali · 11 months

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On Self Awareness and Cognitive Dissonance

So @jaynovz made this really interesting and excellent post about Silver's crazy decision to go to Charlestown at the end of S2. I thought I'd toss out my two cents as to why he might have done it. And also discuss some related stuff. Buckle up, folks!

So first, let's begin with THE SCENE:

Silver: I've had my fill of adapting lately, doing your bidding, keeping the crew in line for you. Flint: I wasn't the only one who benefited from that. Silver: It certainly seemed that way.

Here Flint refers to Silver's position among the crew, which Flint sees as a benefit to both of them. As we see:

Flint: I need your help. They need your help. Silver: Oh please. Don't try to convince me to do it for the sake of their futures. Flint: For the sake of your own. Those men listen to you, they care about what you think, what you want them to think. Where else in the world is that true? Where else would you wake up in the morning and matter?

I could talk endlessly about this whole scene, particularly about Silver's incredibly amazing lie and how he acts during it and his bitterness toward Flint, but that's beyond the scope of this. Instead I wanna focus on self awareness.

With these few words, Flint basically drags Silver kicking and screaming to self awareness land. He is suddenly exposed to the fact that he actually means something here. And by his reaction, I think it's fair to assume this is one the few times, if not perhaps the first time, he's been in a position like this. Based on his past actions and his desire to remain anonymous (see refusing to show his face during the schedule thing, it’s safer to be anonymous), I think his previous modus operandi has been to position himself behind some powerful figure and work in the background to help them achieve their shared goals of getting lots of money. Said people were also probably not as smart as him so he could easily manipulate them as well. We see him do this with Flint a bunch, too, working in the background to help him. And that's what his position on the Walrus crew starts out as.

But then he becomes the centre of attention. They start to like him, which he didn't even necessarily expect when he started his gossip monger plan, he just wanted them to need him, despite his proclaiming that he’s a hard man not to like. But no, they get attached to him. And he, unbeknownst to himself, becomes attached right back.

Now, it's entirely possible that he's been in similar situations in the past just like this one, but because he is very good at repression and lying to himself, he was able to walk away without any real trouble. Maybe he realized afterwards that he actually liked those people but it didn't matter because he'd already left and he tells himself it’s for the best anyway. Silver is likely carrying around some heavy trauma related to emotional attachments to other people, given how he tells Muldoon that “we’ll take care of you” is the most terrifying part of everything that’s happened after losing his leg. And, considering everything else, that sure is saying something.

But here, he has hitched his wagon to James Flint, a man after his own heart. Flint is a lot like Silver, a brilliant liar and excellent manipulator, able to bend people to his will and look damn good while doing it.

Then he does it to Silver, too. And it's all while Silver is in the middle of pulling off his own master class in lying, some of his best work, by being outraged and angry that the gold he actually stole is gone and trying to extricate himself from Flint and the crew. Except Flint won't let him.

Flint's request for Silver's help doesn't, I don't think, extend merely to the lovely speech Silver gives to swing the vote in his favour, either. During the voyage to Charlestown, Silver continues working to convince the men of the dangers that lie ahead, presumably at Flint's behest. Scott does indicate to Billy that Silver is using his storytelling powers to “help the captain” when Silver is addressing the crew.

So Silver stays because he has come to value his position on the crew. However he doesn't yet realize how attached to them he's actually become. Jay is right, he could’ve easily deserted after the vote, run off to hide somewhere until Flint is gone, but he doesn’t. And he's still lying to himself about why. He thinks “yeah ok, Flint, you won this round. I'll stay and go on the voyage so as not to arouse suspicion from you and everyone else, and I’ll take the scouts along because I don’t trust them not to fuck this up, but I am leaving after that.” The real reason he stays is because he values his position, he actually likes that he matters, but he is still convinced he’s going to leave because he also wants the money. I think he probably would’ve left, too, but he’s trying not to think too hard about the newly exposed self awareness and continuously telling himself he doesn’t need this and he sure as fuck doesn’t actually care about these people, even as he stays. It’s like he’s torn between how he wants to be and how he actually is and he cannot bring himself to go no matter how much he wants to.

That’s also not even going into how, during the voyage, he is exposed to how much power he actually has over the men on the crew when he gives the scout a fucking look and said scout kills their co-conspirator because of it. And then that same scout tells Silver that all the men know he cares about their best interests and Silver is just fucking taken aback by the level of regard these people have for him. This is on display again when they all stand up in his defence after Vane’s men come to grab him.

When Vane’s men attack the ship, Silver could swim to shore with the remaining scout and if they kept their heads down, they'd probably be ok. They could likely swim far enough away to not get caught, especially at night. Silver surely knows this, too.

Instead, he cuts the forestay and saves the crew. And then he refuses to give up a list of names, once again saving the crew. He has, against all his own cognitive dissonance, become attached to them enough that he endures torture and risks death for them. Now, I don’t think that he ever thought that he would lose his leg, I don’t think that he made space in his mind for the possibility of being tortured either, he knew that one of the men had grabbed the keys during the scuffle when they took him away and he thought that he could stall long enough until they broke in and saved him because he’s good at talking his way out of trouble. I also have to say that it is such a nice moment when he says this to Vane’s man: “The question you should be asking yourself is, where are his keys and has he seen them since he took me away from my men?” They are his men now, his brothers, whereas before he always set himself apart from them.

And it's all because Flint made him see that he valued his position enough to stay and go on the journey to Charlestown in the first place. Silver even gives Flint credit for this in 305 - “Such a waste, it seems to me, knowing that it doesn't have to be this way. That the man who talked me into giving a shit about this crew, he could talk those people out there into anything. If he wanted to.”

Or that’s how I read it anyway. The way Silver’s attachment to the Walrus crew is developed over the course of season 2 and the final culmination of him refusing to betray them is one of my favourite things about his story and I have a lot of feelings about it. I could be wrong in my interpretation, of course, but thank you all for coming to my Ted Talk :)

#black sails #john silver #silverflint #black sails meta #i've never written meta before #i just have a lot of feelings about this #and about silver in general #so i wanted to share #i could just be coping with this headcanon to paper over something that doesn't make sense (silver refusing to leave)#but it makes sense to me #who knows tho #shrug emoji

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capypub · 1 year

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Without Warning - Mafia!Joel Miller Scene 12

Mafia!Joel Miller x OFC

Rating: T (y'all already know I love my f-bombs lmao)

Summary: Joel finally says those three words...

Masterlist

Over the next three days, Joel went with Indi to her apartment to collect her things, insisting she stay with him while he deals with the David problem. Since she was still on break from her classes, it was easier for her to have constant security without school officials or her professors getting suspicious.

Tommy picks her up and stays at the bar her whole shift. Joel or one of his guys picks her up after and takes her home or wherever else she wants to go. It sounded excessive, but Joel couldn’t risk losing her, not with a psychopath like David still breathing.

They did talk about what happened when she was taken. Joel noted the details she described about David, relaying the information to Tess. He tried to keep Indi’s mind occupied with other things, giving her free range of the house, including the basement and his office. She also had access to his credit card, but he noticed she hardly used it for herself, most of the time using it for food for the guys or things around the house. He noticed a significant amount of candles and blankets appearing around the house, much to his amusement.

The more she learned about him and the darker side of his life, the more she seemed to…thrive. She brought a warmth and brightness into the house that not even the occasional dead bodies could dampen. At first, Joel was concerned that she wasn’t more concerned about the stains and walls of guns and torture devices in the basement. She approached it with curiosity, asking questions as she held his hand and circled the dark room like they were browsing Home Depot. She was quite the enigma and he fucking loved it.

He found her in the kitchen after they’d finally gotten all her stuff moved into his place or into storage. She was scurrying around the kitchen, arranging what looked like catering dishes on the island.

“What’s all this?” he asked, amused by her domesticity.

“Tommy said a bunch of the guys are coming over tonight for some fight or game or something. I wanted to make sure there was enough food,” she shrugged, organizing a section for plates and utensils.

“You cooked all this?” he asked in disbelief, estimating there was enough food to feed at least fifty people spread out on the marble counters.

She scoffed loudly. “No, you ordered it on your credit card and had it delivered to the house,” she said with a wicked grin, moving towards him and wrapping her arms around his neck, stretching onto her toes to kiss him.

“Oh I did?” he smirked, bringing an arm around her waist and pulling her closer, a sense of pride blooming in his stomach knowing he could provide for his girl and her wishes, even if it was for others. If it made her happy, he didn’t care.

“Mhm, because you’re such a good boss who takes care of his employees,” she nodded against his lips.

“You’re spoilin’ them too much, baby girl,” he murmured, reaching around to grope her ass, making her giggle.

When she nipped his lower lip, he instantly felt the spark of desire ignite. Lifting her leg onto his hip, he yanked her even tighter against him, her soft gasp making him smile against her sweet lips.

The door to the garage opening and slamming shut startled them apart. “Damn, somethin’ smells good!” Tommy’s voice echoed through the house.

Joel rolled his eyes, shaking his head at his girl for indulging the guys in her hospitality. She pecked his lips, smoothing down the front of his shirt just as Tommy came in, trailed by seven other men who all immediately went straight to the island of food.

“What the hell are you doin’ here?” Joel grumbled to his brother, one arm around Indi, the other on his hip.

“Here to watch the game, brother,” Tommy said with his charismatic smile, “Your lovely lady here also said there’d be food and Indi, honey, you did not disappoint,” he said with a wink at her, snatching up a plate, piling wings, fries, and ribs onto it, grabbing a beer from the open cooler on the ground next to the island.

“I’m gonna fight ‘im,” Joel grumbled, rolling his eyes after his brother disappeared into the theater room.

“He’s only doing it because he knows it bothers you,” she soothed him, lightly scratching at his chest, a comforting sensation he’s grown to love, just as much as when she does the same to his scalp.

“He’s askin’ for a foot up his ass,” he muttered, kissing her forehead.

“Go sit down, handsome, I’ll make you a plate,” she insisted with a sweet smile.

“I can make my own plate, ba-.” “I want to, Joel,” she cut him off, putting a finger to his lips, replacing it with a coconut-scented kiss before giving him a light push towards the sounds of the beginnings of a football game in the other room.

He wanted to say it so bad at that moment, looking down at her bright eyes and gorgeous smile. She cared for him in a way he’d never experienced before. In the short time she’d been staying here, his house felt more like a home than ever. The little things like finding her making coffee or coming across one of her books in the living room, it brought a sense of happiness he never thought he’d experience in his life.

He strode casually into the theater room, collapsing on the leather recliner beside Tommy who was stuffing his face, wing sauce in his mustache. Joel shook his head at his brother, leaning back comfortably in the chair and focussing on the team about to kickoff. His men joined quickly, each of them looking absolutely elated with a plate of food and beers under their arms. Indi came in with Joel’s food, looking absolutely gorgeous in one of his t-shirts and a pair of tight shorts. Fuck, she made wearing his clothes look absolutely sinful. He noticed she’d handed him a different brand of beer, his favorite import actually.

“Enjoy the game, no more bullets in the screen, please,” she said, leaning down to kiss his cheek as she set the plate down.

“You’re not stayin’?” he asked, a flash of disappointment in his gaze.

She smiled. “No, this,” she motioned to the screen, “is not for me, I’ll be upstairs with Ellie,” she added, giving him a final kiss on the lips before leaving them. Tommy gave Joel a hard side-eye after the national anthem, obnoxiously smirking at his brother as the first quarter started.

“The fuck are you lookin’ at?” Joel finally asked, glaring in irritation at the other man.

“You’re so fuckin’ whipped, man,” Tommy snickered quietly, “You’re not stayin’?” he imitated Joel’s deeper voice with an over exaggerated pout, breaking into another fit of laughter.

“Don’t make me shoot you in the other leg,” Joel grumbled around the lip of his beer, keeping his eyes on the screen and voice low.

Tommy laughed. “I’m glad to see you happy, man, honestly,” he said sincerely, squeezing his shoulder, “Much less of a pain in the ass when she’s around, I’m not gonna lie,” he added, earning a hard punch to the shoulder.

“You wanna watch the game at your place or what?” Joel fired back, the hints of a smirk on the corners of his mouth.

“The fuck was that?! Come on ref!” Eric yelled from behind the brothers, breaking their private moment by more swears and groans from the room.

They enjoyed the rest of the game, one or two more guys coming in right before half-time. During the breaks, they would occasionally wander back into the kitchen for more food. Joel hoped Indi had gotten something for her and Ellie before, knowing that everything on that counter would be gone by the end of the third quarter.

He wouldn’t admit it, but he enjoyed himself that evening, actually laughing a couple times at the guy's jokes. Everyone left not long after the game, either to the bars or to their respective homes. Tommy took one of the guest rooms, having gotten a little too much into the bar at the back of the room, evident by his loud stumbling around the house. Once he was secured in a room, Joel went in search of his girlfriend and his child.

Using the security app on his phone, he swiped through the various camera feeds around his house until he found Indi and Eliie sitting on the second-story balcony in the swinging bench they often smoked together on. Ellie had a sketch pad in her lap that she was very focussed on and Indi seemed to be scrolling through her social media. He couldn’t help but smile at the feed, thankful that his two girls got along so well. Upstairs, he found the doors to the balcony open, the girl’s quiet conversation drifting towards him.

“Does it hurt?” Ellie asked, her voice low as she stared down at the paper.

“Yeah, the first time for sure, but it gets less painful every time you do it,” Indi said casually.

Joel’s curiosity had him pausing in the doorway.

“Did you bleed a lot?” Ellie asked after a minute.

“Oh yeah,” Indi huffed, “But everyone’s different, it just depends,” she added.

Now Joel was concerned. “What’ve y’all been up to?” he asked, making both girls jump.

When they turned to look at him, Indi smiled and Ellie rolled her eyes. He felt awkward, his body stiff, as he contemplated outright asking if Indi was talking to Ellie about…sex. He couldn’t help but grimace at the thought. Also, he didn’t know if he was completely comfortable with that, especially since Ellie’s girlfriend has yet to show her face.

“I want to get a tattoo,” Ellie said decisively, holding up her sketchpad to show him a rough design of what looked to be some kind of gnome with a…tiny knife in its hand? He shook his head.

“Not ‘til you’re eighteen,” he grumbled, so relieved that they weren’t talking about sex.

“I was telling her about my first one,” Indi added, her eyes drawing him closer until he sat between them.

“I can wait two years,” Ellie shrugged, stifling a yawn.

“Get some sleep, kid, I’ll take you back to Bill ‘nd Frank’s tomorrow,” Joel said, affectionately rubbing her back and giving her a light push onto her feet.

She said goodnight to both of them, wandering off into the quiet house to one of the empty guest rooms on the second floor. Joel turned to Indi with a lopsided grin, making her giggle.

“What?” she asked, suspicious of the look.

“When I came in here,” he began, wrapping his arm around her, “I, honest-to-God, thought you were given’ her the talk,” he said laughing with a hard exhale through his nose.

“What do you…oh! Oh, God no,” she said, immediately blushing, hiding her face in the crook of his neck and shoulder.

“Don’t know which one’s worse though, now that you got ‘er thinkin’ about a tattoo,” he said easily, grinning the whole time.

“Hey, I didn’t do anything, she started asking about it on her own,” she insisted, poking his chest.

“You encouraged it,” he argued, obviously teasing her.

She retaliated with a swat to his leg. “Shut up.”

They settled closer together, Joel eventually pulling her into his lap, right where she belonged with both his arms around her. She cuddled into his chest, nuzzling his neck and leaving soft kisses along his jaw as he looked out over the expanse of trees.

These quiet moments with her were quickly becoming his favorite activity, getting to hold her close, no expectations to talk, just enjoying each other’s proximity. She fit so perfectly against him, his missing piece he never knew he needed. These moments had also become the moments when he wanted to tell her the most, to say the words that weighed heavy on his tongue.

“You’re thinking very loudly tonight, is everything okay?” she asked softly, playing with the button on his shirt.

“I just…I want you know th-....” he took a deep breath, meeting her eyes when she lifted her head in concern, “Baby girl, I love you.”

He did it. He said it and it was out in the open now. She didn’t seem surprised when he said it, offering that sweet smile he loved so much and kissing him softly, slowly, holding his face in both her hands.

“I know,” she said with a soft chuckle, “And I love you too,” she added, those simple words shattering all worry in his mind, his body igniting with the adrenaline of her reciprocation.

He kissed her harder, holding her tight against his chest. “What’d you mean you know?” he asked against her ear, his lips trailing down her neck and across her shoulders.

“You talk in your sleep sometimes…”

Scene 13

#joel miller imagine #joel miller x reader #au joel miller #joel miller fluff #joel miller fanfic #joel miller x ofc #last of us au #mafia!joel miller #joel miller x female reader

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amailboxlemur · 3 months

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Three years ago today I watched Young Royals for the first time.

Story time/long post incoming. I wasn’t in a great headspace at the time, but let me try to set the scene.

Spring of 2021 was still pretty deep in the pandemic. My province had been on lockdown (number 3) since the beginning of April and I hated working from home. Partly because teaching online piano lessons sucks. But also I live alone, and lockdown is too much alone time no matter how introverted you are. I think that spring I went about 6 weeks without speaking to someone in person who wasn’t like a grocery store cashier.

I decided to go stay with my parents for a few weeks so I could get some human interaction. At the time, I was mooching off my former roommate’s Netflix that was still signed in to our living room TV, so I didn’t have Netflix access.

I also love Red White and Royal Blue, and all of a sudden in early July the fandom got flooded. There were gifs of two unfamiliar teenage boys all over my dash. Fanart of two boys who looked like Alex and Henry captioned “Wilhelm and Simon”. There were a bunch of crossover fics popping up on AO3. I was curious, but mostly I just wanted to get a feel for the characters so I could read said crossover fics.

July 12th was my first day back teaching in person. (Side note: the health precautions we had in place for those lessons were WILD). I came back from my parents place in the morning, taught in the late afternoon/evening and returned home around 8 pm. I made supper and figured I’d try watching an episode of this “Young Royals” thing. I started it and remember groaning when I realized it was in Swedish so I’d have to focus and read subtitles instead of watching mindlessly (I’m too pretentious to watch the dubbed version, but it had been a long day)

“Oh that’s a beautiful boy with a beautiful voice singing… I can keep going…”

“Ohhh they’re about to kiss… wait what? How does episode 1 just end there??? I have to watch another episode!”

“Yay they finally kissed!! But how will Wilhelm react?? It’s not even 11 yet, I think I can watch one more”

“Erik is dead. I knew this was coming because I saw the “beta read but Erik’s still dead” tag on AO3 but totally forgot! How will this affect my boys?? One more episode, just to see if wilhelm pushes Simon away again”

“Ok good, they’re together. August sucks though, I can see where this is going and why there seem to be so many comparisons to rwrb. But it’s past midnight so I’ll have to keep watching tomorrow… wait there’s only two more episodes?? Might as well finish”

Before I knew it, it was 2 am and I was crying on my living room couch. I NEVER get into new shows, I have tons of things I watched 1-3 episodes of and then quit, so I couldn’t believe I binged the entire thing. It was late so I went to sleep.

In the morning I woke up and the rabbit hole began. I read all the fics on AO3, I started following young royals stuff on tumblr. I googled the actor who played Simon and found out he’s an actual Swedish pop star? I think he was among the first artists I followed using my then brand new Spotify account. I followed both Omar and Edvin on instagram, along with Lisa (other actors followed later). I watched all the young royals promo videos on YouTube, including the Hillerska choir performance. That entire summer was spent diving down Omar’s back catalog of Foo vlogs. Some of them are in Swedish, but I remember watching them intensely, as if I would magically understand if I tried hard enough. I started learning Swedish on duolingo.

When season 2 was released, I fully quit all social media for WEEKS to avoid spoilers. I spent 3 days carefully messing up my sleep schedule so I could wake up and watch it at 3 am. When season 3 was released I was such an excited puppy dog that I didn’t sleep at all. I watched it at 3 am and spent the whole rest of the day amped up and on tumblr.

I remember all kinds of fun and significant days in the fandom: Rockbjörnen 2021, musikhjälpan 2021. The lead up and release of Mi Casa Su Casa. The release of OMR. Omar gave me a birthday present in 2022 when he performed “breathe” on Nyhetsmorgon on my birthday. Gay gala 2022 but especially 2023. Both boys have done incredible sommarpratar. So many other galas and performances and photoshoots I’d be here all day listing them all out.

Becoming an Omar fangirl was also surprising. I don’t listen to or follow pop music (my definition of which is incredibly broad so yes, Omar’s music qualifies). Like, I’ve never had a favourite artist before? One who’s work I actively follow and whose releases I know about in advance and look forward to?

Omar announced his concert at Cirkus in November of 2023 and it fell at the end of a semester break from work. I could go without needing to refund or makeup any missed lessons. It felt like a sign. That week was genuinely one of the best in my life, words can’t even describe it. A transatlantic flight, a week in Europe. I got to see Kaggeholm. I met Omar at Lyko. I stood in general admission 3 rows back from the stage and heard Omar sing live and sang along with other fans. It was surreal. Shout out to @yrblogbaby @the-words-we-sung @crownedwille and @omarsimp, wow you’re all amazing. There was a queer joy to hanging out with y’all that weekend that I don’t get too often irl.

Since then, I’ve tried to internalize a little bit more the idea of community in fandom. I’m still not super out there, but I try to interact more. I lurked in this fandom (and so many others) for years. I made this account in something like 2011 and until recently I probably had less than 50 posts.

So yeah… saying this show changed my life feels dramatic but also accurate. Hopefully here’s to more years to come, and more good memories when I head to New York this fall!

#this got away from me #and made me emotional #but I realized not a single day has gone by in the last 3 years #that I didn’t think of yr or omar #which is insane to think about #personal #young royals #omar rudberg

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rallamajoop · 1 year

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The RE8 Timeline: Mia and Miranda

As mentioned in my post on Donna Beneviento, the other RE8 timeline question that’s been eating at me is just how long Miranda has been posing as Mia before Chris busts in on her.

It’s fascinating how many obscure clues you can find about the days leading up to the start of the game – and if that doesn’t grab you, I’ve also got some lovely fridge-horror-logic to share about why a bunch of jars of baby food and a note about Rose’s recent half-birthday may be some of the most subtly sinister details in the game.

To reiterate again up front, I really doubt there are any definitive, ‘canonical’ answers here. The whole game is a campy, fairy-tale fever dream, and if anyone had a clear timeline in mind, lord knows if the rest of the team were on the same page. Details from in-game documents may contradict cutscene dialogue, may contradict environmental clues, etc. But analysing all those clues still turns up some interesting details, so here we go.

To begin with, in the game’s opening scenes, we learn several significant things about “Mia”:

She’s ‘gone local’ (using local recipes, reading a ‘local fairy tale’ to Rose, etc)

She doesn’t want to talk about what happened in Louisianna (RE7)

She makes most of Rose’s food by hand

She and Ethan have been fighting

Something is very wrong with her

That last point is mostly a vibe, but it is strong. The idea that creepy ‘local’ tale is suitable bedtime reading is suspicious, and her tone of voice when she insists ‘there’s nothing wrong with my memory!’ is bizarrely defensive. Something is off.

All of this makes perfect sense in retrospect, knowing this is Miranda-posing-as-Mia. She’s doesn’t want to talk about the past, because what she "doesn’t remember" could give her away. She’s "gone local" because she is local. She makes baby-food by hand because she’s an overbearing mother from the early 1900s. And she and Ethan have been fighting because she’s a stranger masquerading as his wife.

Now, some of these things may be true of the real Mia as well, if to a lesser degree – there was already tension between Ethan and Mia, the Baker Incident Report talks about Mia learning local recipes, etc. And that does makes sense, if Ethan didn’t immediately notice the change – but we’ll come back to that stuff later.

Mostly what I want to point to is one detail you can find in the house that seems innocent out of context, but was a big oh shit moment for me with all that weirdness leading up.

Oh fuck, what has not!Mia been feeding Rose???

This is also the detail that convinced me ‘Mia’ hasn’t been Mia for some time. Because if Mia’s been making all the baby food for Rose since she started solids (presumably in the last couple of months), why would they be buying these jars at all? Which suggests it’s a recent change to her behaviour, that Ethan hasn’t quite adjusted to yet when he goes out for groceries ‒ we're probably talking at least a couple of weeks, maybe longer. And given that Mia isn't Mia anymore, every recent change to her behaviour becomes pretty suspect. (I mean, you can totally come up with other explanations where it’s some kind of nervous-new-parents-over-buying thing, or a ‘just in case Mia needs a break’-emergency supply that never actually gets used, but c’mon, this is horror: lemme have the freaky version!)

After all, we just heard a dark fairy tale in which a demonic bat and a monster fish ‘helpfully’ feed a little girl parts of their own bodies. Feeding people gross, corrupted food was a major horror element of the Baker family from RE7 too. Heck, there’s even arguably other canonical suggestions that ‘local food’ sourced around the village can enhance the powers of a mould-infected individual, given how food the Duke can make for Ethan boosts his stats (which is definitely me thinking too hard about a shallow game-mechanic, but shut up, this all works on so many levels!)

The opening also features one scene with real!Mia: the flashback/dream sequence Ethan experiences before waking up next to the crashed van. We know this is the real Mia, because she’s anxious about Rose and Ethan in a way that makes no sense for Miranda – in particular about something Ethan won’t face about himself (Ethan accuses her of keeping things from him, tells her they should talk about it, then blows off the conversation for a call from work).

It’s not clear how long ago this was – or even that it’s necessarily a real memory. It could just be a dream Ethan’s having, mixing up multiple different memories and some of his own anxieties (most of what happens in Donna’s basement could be taken the same way). But if it is a memory, the other key plot point is that Ethan receives a phone call about Rose’s test results. Put a pin in that one for later too.

There’s one more relevant detail that comes up when Chris finds the real Mia in Miranda’s lab, where she says she was captured and used in experiments. This is the kind of line it’s best not to get too carried away with, since it’s mostly here to explain why Miranda would have kept Mia alive at all. But if she’s had time for experiments, that does suggest Miranda’s had time to sneak back and forth between Ethan’s house and the village while posing as Mia, which does change the picture a little. I mean, you could say those experiments were performed by one of the four lords or some other assistant, of course, but it’s not the most obvious interpretation.

How Chris discovered Miranda was posing as Mia isn’t clearly explained (and is probably the kind of question you're not supposed to ask), though it’s vaguely hinted in dialogue that his team figured out her plan through 'recon'. Possibly, they had Miranda under surveillance, though it can’t have been very thorough – they obviously didn’t witness Mia’s abduction, for one, or they’d have known she might still be alive.

Then again, if Miranda has been sneaking back and forth from the village while posing as Mia, that might give Chris’ team more chances to spot her doing it and follow her back to the Winters’. Or maybe they’re not good enough to tail Miranda, and found out her plan from a third party, or one of those remarkably convenient diaries that RE characters are forever leaving lying around. Lots of possibilities, no real answers.

A few firmer details about Miranda’s movements come from the diary of Eugen, a peasant in the village. From this and other assorted documents, we can put together a partial timeline of events surrounding Mia’s kidnapping. The list below doesn’t cover every recent date mentioned in the game, just those I caught that looked significant.

February 2: Rose’s half-birthday (she was born on August 2, 2020).

February 3: Miranda requests Eugen find her a list of ‘drugs and tools’ in the next few days (that she presumably needs for her plans for Rose).

February 6: Ethan mentions a fight with Mia (or ‘Mia’) at the hospital in his diary.

February 8: Chris Redfield kills ‘Mia’ and kidnaps Rose and Ethan.

February 9: Eugen is instructed to deliver the tools to Miranda’s ceremony at dawn, where she divides Rose into four pieces. Ethan wakes up outside the village, and the main events of the game take place.

February 10: Miranda's ceremony to revive Rose/Eva takes place at dawn. Final boss battle and ending.

This timeline can’t give us an exact date for Mia’s kidnapping, but we do know from Eugen, that there was ‘no sign of Mother Miranda’ on the 8th (a hint she was off impersonating Mia), but she was in the village on the 3rd of February, about a week before the game begins. He also sacrificed two goats to Miranda on the 1st, but doesn’t specify whether she was personally present.

Now, it’s possible Miranda snuck back to visit the village on the 3rd while posing as Mia, but the more obvious read is that this is before Mia was taken. Either way, it’s safe to assume Miranda’s plans are well underway.

That’s about all the game gives us explicitly, but there are a few other clues.

The note in Ethan’s diary from the 6th about arguing with Mia ‘at the hospital’ provides no context for why he was at the hospital, but in the dream/flashback, we see him making an appointment to collect Rose’s test results ‘next Thursday’. Significantly, those test results can be found in a nearby drawer, signed ‘Applefeld Memorial Hospital’. So that much all adds up: the 6th was Thursday,* they were at the hospital to pick up Rose's test results. When Ethan refers to having “another” fight with Mia in his diary for the 6th, the argument from the flashback could well be the specific previous incident he’s thinking of.

This all matters, because we can be pretty confident the Mia from the flashback was the real thing: Mia can only have been replaced after that call took place. So when was that?

Rose’s test results are undated in the file text, but if you look closely at the in-game asset (screencap above), you might make out the date 28/1/2021. It’s not totally clear whether this is the date the tests were conducted, or the date the report was returned to the doctor. But it does make good sense for Rose to have been due for a check-up, as there are photos and notes about her ‘half-birthday’ on the 2nd Feb, making her just on 6 months old.

From this, we can make a decent guess when the flashback happened. The appointment is made for ‘next week’ and ‘next Thursday’ in dialogue, so the call must have been somewhere between Jan 26 (Mon) and Feb 2 (Sun) the previous week. And if the results themselves are dated to Jan 28, then the call can’t have come through before then, so that gives us between Jan 28 (Wed) and Feb 2 (Sun). Since the doctor says she's 'just received' Rose's test results on the phone, that date on the report (Jan 28) may well be the date of the call.

Either way, Miranda logically can’t have replaced Mia before the 28th – eleven days before the events of the game begin. (Still with me?)

There’s another, more sinister reason why Rose’s check-up might be significant: the BSAA was involved. The text of the report specifies “Results for additional fungal pathogen tests will be provided by BSAA.” The in-game image of the report has a “BSAA Europe Medical Division” logo as its header. And the end of the game contains a lot of hints that the BSAA is no longer to be trusted, and that Miranda may well have contacts in the organisation. So it’s disturbingly plausible that the results of the check-up were deliberately leaked to Miranda – maybe even results of those additional ‘fungal pathogen tests’ too, long before anything ever made it back to Ethan. Perhaps those 6-month-test-results were even the reason Miranda takes an interest in Rose.

All that said, there’s also good reason to suppose Miranda’s had her eye on Rose for much longer than a mere week or two – the fact the Winters were moved to Romania at all could suggest she’s been pulling strings there for some time. So maybe these latest tests only confirmed what she already suspected for a long time.

Either way, it’s very possible that leaked info from Rose’s 6-month-medical-check-up was a key inciting incident behind the events of the game. Happy half-birthday, Rose!

Lord knows how much of all that subtext was even intentional, but if it was, that is some subtle shit, and I applaud it.

But getting back to the point, let’s just expand that timeline a little.

January 28 (Tuesday): Date on Rose’s medical report. Earliest date that Mother Miranda could have replaced Mia.

January 28-February 2: Ethan receives a call from the hospital, making an appointment to come pick up his daughter’s test results on the 6th (Thursday). He and Mia have the argument from the flashback scene.

February 2 (Sunday): Rose’s half-birthday (she was born on August 2, 2020).

February 3 (Monday): Miranda requests Eugen find her a list of ‘drugs and tools’ in the next few days (that she presumably needs for her plans for Rose).

February 6 (Thursday): Ethan and Mia (or possibly Miranda-as-Mia) visit the hospital to pick up Rose’s medical report. They have the fight mentioned in Ethan’s diary.

February 8 (Saturday): Chris Redfield “kills” Miranda-as-Mia and kidnaps Rose and Ethan. Miranda revives, overturns the truck carrying Ethan and Rose, and abducts Rose.

February 9 (Sunday): Eugen is instructed to deliver the tools to Miranda’s ceremony at dawn, where she divides Rose into four pieces. Ethan wakes up outside the village, and the main events of the game take place.

February 10 (Monday): Final boss battle and ending.

There’s plenty of wiggle room in this timeline for other interpretations, but what little info the game gives us mostly seems to add up to this sequence. The 28th remains a plausible earliest date for Mia’s replacement, meaning she’s been posing as Mia for no more than 11 days at the very most. If we take it from Eugen’s diary that Miranda was still in the village on the 3rd, then we’re looking at less than one week.

And that’s just a little disappointing to me, because it doesn’t give a lot of time for stuff like, oh, you know, for all those jars of baby food to build up, while Miranda cooks baby Rose the kind of specially formulated diet that would make Marguerite Baker proud.

See, whatever timeline the in-game dates may suggest, I still like the idea of a Miranda who’s been playing a much longer con: pulling strings to get the Winters moved closer to her, and spending time impersonating Mia, rather than simply absconding with Rose at the first opportunity. That gives her time to make sure Rose is the vessel she needs and prepare for her ceremony before bringing the wrath of Chris Redfield down on her head (and that of anyone else who might take offense at Rose’s abduction).

It gives her time, moreover, to play at being Rose’s mother, while already working to mould Rose into her own daughter. She’ll eat what Eva ate, hear the bedtime stories Eva heard, be cradled in the loving arms of the same mother who mourned Eva’s death.

To that end, imagine a Miranda who may have befriended Mia long before replacing her, using one or more shapeshifted guises to learn more about her and her family, preparing to impersonate her believably. Maybe Miranda’s even the one who taught Mia some of those ‘local recipes’ – recipes she'll go on cooking after taking her place.

The game doesn’t dwell on the horror from Mia’s POV, and that’s a shame, because damn: being abducted and imprisoned, subjected to god-knows-what kind of experimentation – knowing all the while that you won’t be missed, because the monster who abducted you is now living in your home, wearing your face and sleeping beside your husband, who won't even know you’re gone? That is some A-grade shit.

For which matter, how do we know Mia was the only one Miranda was experimenting on? What if one of the reasons Ethan wants to talk about the Bakers at the start of the game is that he’s been having this horrific series of “nightmares” where he wakes up back in the dark, restrained and helpless, while a ‘possessed’ Mia leans over him with a grin and a scalpel? (We know his body would heal any evidence away, and we know Miranda was sourcing drugs – and why would she need drugs to crystalise and divide Rose?)

Basically, I’m 100% here for a Miranda who’s been insinuating herself into the Winters’ lives for at least the maximum nominal period the timeline backs up. It makes so much narrative sense, and the horror possibilities are wonderful.

But this is all just circling around the more character-significant question: how much of the tension in Ethan and Mia’s marriage was really thanks to Miranda, and how much was there to begin with?

The short answer is always going to be that it’s down to interpretation. The “Mia” who argued with Ethan at the hospital may or may not have been the real thing: nothing definitive points one way or the other. There’s definitely evidence things were tense pre-Miranda, given their interactions in the flashback scene. But there's also some evidence those arguments have taken a different character since Mia was replaced.

Miranda’s “Mia” is snidely dismissive of Ethan’s desire to talk about the past, claiming she just wants to put it all behind them. The real Mia from the flashback is anxious and depressed: tired of going back over past trauma, but at the same time frustrated with the aspects they don’t talk about (ie. Ethan). The Mia we hear worrying on the radio in Donna’s basement seems to suffer from a lot of the same anxieties. In the flashback, it’s Ethan being dismissive, insisting “Rose is fine, everything’s fine, what else matters?”

To argue about character inconsistencies here is to miss the point: they’re both worried about what their past means for Rose, and it’s all bubbling over now Rose is due for her 6-month tests. Given all that underlying tension and the weight of past trauma, it’s not unbelievable for the two of them have effectively been taking turns to be the one-who-worries and the one-who-brushes-those-worries-off. Sometimes, that's just how mutual anxieties work in a relationship bubble.

But the jump from the Mia of the flashback to the Mia of the Ethan’s diary – who blows up at the mere mention of events of three years ago – seems unlikely as the same Mia who was so anxious in that flashback, and so clearly still wants to talk about something they haven’t addressed. It’s hardly impossible Mia-from-the-hospital could be the real Mia (Ethan’s summary is very brief, and days have passed in between), but she makes far more sense to me as Miranda’s Mia, who quickly gets defensive when Ethan broaches the subject at all.

In summary: no, Miranda is not the only reason things have been tense between Ethan and Mia lately. But I doubt the argument "Mia" has with Ethan at the opening of the game is all that representative of what things have really been like between them. And the real issues are a lot more nuanced than the generic Mia-told-lies-and-is-mean take, but that’s really a subject for another post.

It’s only fair to admit here that one of the reasons I like the idea of Miranda replacing Mia earlier is because I’d like to be able to blame her for more of the problems Ethan and “Mia” have been having, because I like them both as characters, and I like them together. But then again, if you’re in the opposite camp, maybe you like the implications of the idea that things are already so awkward in the Winters household that Ethan could even go weeks without even realising Mia had been replaced by an imposter – it’s really all in the spin.

Because at the end of the day, the implications for Ethan and Mia’s relationship aren’t the point. There's just so much potential for atmosphere and twisted horror storytelling that comes with a scenario where Miranda has kept up her ruse for much longer than the nominal timeline suggests.

11 days? Oh, Mother Miranda is just getting started.

*Just to confuse things a little, the actual 6th February 2021 was a Saturday, not a Thursday, but the writers probably didn't bother to check: this is Resident Evil, not Lord of the Rings or something.

#Resident Evil Village #Mother Miranda #Mia Winters #Mithan #Resident Evil #meta #Resident Evil timeline

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