#of someone i want to be. something i should be. something to make me human and feeling and alive.
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I agree that I am indeed concerned about skepticism surrounding the nature of someone else's sex, on the grounds that natural variations in biology can create factors that might make a woman appear more "masculine" in the eyes of society - and these traits are greatly stigmatized for the women who have them. height, greater amounts of body hair, breadth and muscle mass are all things that are targeted as being "unattractive" and "un-womanly" on account of them being stereotypically "un-feminine".
but isn't it interesting how the trans movement feels the need to constantly hide behind womens' natural biological variance, or even just gender nonconforming women, as if their existence only exists to protect the identities of males who identify as women? I've noticed that these days, people rarely seem interested in defending the existence of body-variant and GNC women, unless it's to prop up the fact that people who were born male are inevitably going to display some identifiably "masculine" bodily traits, even post-transition. we've hardly even worked on destigmatizing the existence of these "un-feminine" women, who are still widely looked down upon by most of society, and yet they are being used as a somehow "positive" voice for the trans community. why is that?
furthermore, isn't it also misogyny to imagine that there is a list of things a male can do to their body in order to make it irrefutably a "woman"'s body? things like growing long hair, wearing makeup, shaving body hair, taking estrogen to attempt to feminize features and develop larger breasts - all of these are marketed by the trans community as forms of "gender-affirming care." how exactly do these things "affirm" a sense of woman-hood, if a woman could just as well have short hair, wear no makeup, never shave, and have a "masculine" appearing body with a small chest?
I think something tremendously important to keep in mind is that you should absolutely be hearing alarm bells in your head if women (especially feminists) are being accused of harbouring and exercising somehow more misogyny than their trans movement counterparts. it's classic victim-blaming, a political silencing strategy that has been used since the first wave.
hence, I care little for 'transvestigators' who are men or position themselves on the conservative end of the political spectrum. their opinions don't greatly concern me. if I saw a woman questioning someone's unclear sex from a place of self-interest and/or a feminist perspective on the other hand, I would naturally want to advise her some amount of caution to prevent from jumping to conclusion. however, I think it does a great and frankly insulting deal of disservice to our assumptions of womens' intelligence to imply that she would be completely incapable of identifying someone else's sex based on visual cues.
it is honestly a little bit frightful that one of the default defensive positions trans activists tend to take is along the lines of "well, you can never really know what sex that person is," as if we're trying to just... essentially gaslight women into not being able to believe their own eyes, and what their own senses & knowledge are telling them. interpreting someone's sex based on visual, physical clues is completely natural, and is a normal and intentional part of human psychology. if a woman is in a vulnerable situation, or simply wants to set a boundary that keeps her within the presence of her own sex, she is entitled to do that.
the fact that there isn't a 100%, 10 times out of 10 reliable way to identify every single person's sex, doesn't mean that women shouldn't be allowed to know the sex of a person when it's important to her, or that sex is a completely neutral factor of someone's body that should be treated as completely irrelevant in every single setting and situation. maybe there are places in society where it should be more neutral, but certainly not everywhere, and we're a long way off from things being good, safe and equal enough where someone's sex doesn't matter whatsoever.
It’s wild to me to see transvestigator conspiracy theories online that could be so easily explained by natural human variation. That woman has a deep voice? Yeah, sometimes they do. A woman has broad shoulders?? Maybe she plays rugby or hits the gym a fuckton. There’s a “bulge” in her tight pants?? Maybe her vulva is just fat. All the “markers” of trans woman that transvestigators use to harass any woman aren’t even things unique to trans women.
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christmas kids
about him, who was also born on december 25th. i used to spot your face in every crowd, now i can’t even remember your smile.
— kaiser hates celebrating his birthday. no exceptions; not even for you.
cw: mentions of kaiser’s backstory, gesner being vulgar (im his biggest fan), kaiser is a meany pants, self deprecation
parties like these were a pain. kaiser stood beside his drunken teammates, while ‘all i want for christmas is you’ by mariah carey blasted for the 6th time on loop. it was disgustingly corny how he’d have to act as if he gives a damn to celebrate christmas with his co-workers. if the club owner for bastard münchen hadn’t required attendance for this party, he would’ve definitely skipped it.
to be entirely honest, he never even saw the point of celebrating december 25th. every year, the streets of berlin would be glowing with festive lights, and the halls of cathedrals would loudly ring their church bells.
but in kaiser’s dark corner of hell, his father would beat the life out of him. more so than usual— his eyes would bruise purple for weeks, and his nose wouldn’t stop the stream of red that would bleed all over his ragged clothes.
kaiser had learned from a young age, his birthday wasn’t something that should be celebrated, or even acknowledged. it was the day his scummy mother abandoned his even scummier father; it was the day trash was born. how could such an occasion even be celebrated?
with his birthday being public knowledge though, he doesn’t exactly have a choice on if he wants to celebrate it or not.
as clock struck midnight, everyone yelled out christmas greetings and wishes of good will, as well as greetings for kaiser, now a year older.
“woo! happy birthday, asshat! you’re 19!” gesner, incredibly drunk, slurs to kaiser. “a year closer to your death… in the end, we’re all just waiting for the day we never open our eyes again… oh, this is just too sad…” grim shudders, falling to the ground.
birkenstock pulls grim off the floor, and the team gathers around and very off tunely sings happy birthday to kaiser, while ness struggles to light the candle placed on top of the leftover pizza, yet to be finished.
“…happy birthday to you!” they cheer. “make a wish, kaiser.” ness smiles, holding the box.
‘what do i want..?’ he asks himself. he already has a lot more than he’s ever wanted; a comfortable home, decent company— asking for anything else would just seem… wrong.
the candle gleamed a burning red, its’ shine reflecting on kaiser’s face. the hot flames on his face, and he suddenly realizes what he wants— to be human.
that’s all he’s wanted for the longest time, why should he wish for anything else?
he blows out the candle, and they clap. “you guys didn’t need to do anything, i didn’t want to celebrate my birthday.” he lightly reprimanded. ness frowns, he was the one who had wanted surprise kaiser in the first place.
but, gesner boos at his pessimism. “don’t be a jerk, dick cheese! just accept it!” he roughly slaps kaiser on his back, kicking all the air out of his lungs. “oof..!” he coughs. “g..guh… are you sure you’re a football player? you slap so hard, you’re better suited to volleyball.”
gesner scoffs, and goes off on his rant about kaiser’s narcissism.
‘this environment… it’s hostile but, i’m still in control. this… isn’t that bad.’ kaiser thinks to himself. he doesn’t receive their goodwill; he forces it out of them, and they respond with their own form of resistance. yet, they still pass to him, no matter what. because, he’s the one in charge of this team.
“…and, you keep showing off that pretty thing you’re leaving on the hook. she could totally do better than that ‘will they, won’t they?’ situationship of your’s! seriously makes me feel bad for her…”
…kaiser wasn’t exactly sure what brought gesner to bring you up. but, bringing up your… relationship, was a bit of a sour spot for him.
he wanted to love you, you were someone he wanted to stick around for a while. you were kind, almost heaven-sent. something about you that would make him keep coming back. maybe it was the way you’d wake up early with him and make breakfast together, or the way you’d sass him and put him in his place when he was being an asshole. but, he couldn’t make up his mind on whether or not he should tear down those walls he’s built, and start over for you.
kaiser was used to restrictive environments, he thrived in discomfort. but, being vulnerable simply made his skin crawl with disgust. if it was for someone for you though… maybe he could try it. were you really worth it?
…he thinks you could be.
“it’s not a situationship, we’re just hanging out.” kaiser rolls his eyes, taking a sip of his mocktail. “plus, don’t you already have a girl you’re torturing?” he condescends.
thankfully, the party goes on without a fight starting, or kaiser’s birthday being mentioned anymore further.
and by the time kaiser arrives home, it’s already 2:30. he opens the door into his penthouse apartment.
the light is on.
he’s sure he didn’t leave the light on when he had left, there’s only one other explanation.
“s/o?” he called out.
you probably used the spare key for his apartment he gave you after much more frequent visits. did you think he was home?
“ah, hey!” you finally noticed his presence, waving hello. kaiser still had a suspicious glare on his face, his malice evident simply by his tone. “what are you doing here?”
“it’s your birthday!”
“so?”
“so, it has to be celebrated..! it was the day you were born after all.” you brainlessly informed him.
“i don’t celebrate it.” he sighs as he finally shuts the front door, dropping all his belongings on the console table.
“it’s the same day as christmas. it’s a hassle to celebrate two things.” he says the same excuse he’s used millions of times before but today, his act was getting sloppy. it’s clear by his sullen eyes that it’s more than just because it’s a hassle.
“uhuh… well, i made you a cake!”you urge him to come over. of course, it was a box set cake, but you still put tons of effort into decorating it!
what does he do? he wasn’t exactly sure on how to accept gifts in general. he passed through the narrow hall, and into the dining area.
he stared at the cake— it’s frosted in white french buttercream and its’ edges are piped blue with a french star tip. ‘happy birthday mikka’, it reads.
mikka… that isn’t a nickname that you’ve called him before. but, it’s cute. fuck, did he actually like this gift..?
‘…how sweet.’ he thinks. kaiser picked up the box with both his hands, his touch was so delicate. he carried the cake over to the kitchen counter,
…and opened the trash.
“hey! what are you doing..?!” you run to stop him from dumping your hard work into the garbage.
it doesn’t stop him though, it doesn’t even make him struggle. “i told you i don’t celebrate it.” he huffs as some of the cake crumbles and stains his hands.
he takes a frosting-covered finger to his lips, indulging in his salty sweet taste. “ah… it’s good.” he compliments. something that only happens to make you angrier.
“then why did you throw it in the garbage, asshole?!” you yell out. how insensitive could a person get?!
“i already told you, or are those ears of your’s just for decoration?” he scoffs, the air is heavy.
and at that moment, he knew it.
michael kaiser is not meant to love, or be loved.
…
“get out.” he commands. his cold eyes hit you like a dagger. “h..huh..?” you ask, indignant at how you were being treated.
you knew kaiser would be hard to unravel but, why is he acting so different so suddenly?
“i said get out. i already decided…”
“…we’re over, s/o” he decreed. “whatever romance you and i might have had is gone. go find someone else to care about you. i’m not gonna fit your romantic fantasy.”
“i— wait, mikka, we can work this out, okay..?!” you ask, a panicked expression decorating your face. “goddamnit, fine— i’m sorry for calling you an asshole, okay?!”
you sound almost desperate in your tone. but, it still doesn’t shake his decision. “no… get out. find someone who can fulfill that fantasy of your’s, i’m never gonna be the perfect boyfriend that you’re dreaming about. understand?”
and, the cold reality faces you. a look of despair on your face, it’s incredibly pathetic to be in this low of a position right now.
ah, that look on your face… he’ll miss that look of terror and desperation, on your face especially. the way your pretty eyes gleam with tears, and the way your nose scrunches, trying to hold back your snot.
“…fine. i hope you’re happy with your life, kaiser.” you spitefully spit out. his chest hurts when he hears you call him by his last name. did that hurt him..? just a little bit…
…and, that’s when kaiser asks himself the same question.
were you really worth tearing down everything he’s known just to build it all up again?
the answer was yes. you’re worth everything money could afford; you’re as priceless as every star in the sky.
it was kaiser who wasn’t worth it. you deserved more than a scummy asshole who’s too scared love.
but, that’s just the problem with kaiser, isn’t it?
the closer he wants you, the more he pushes you away.
#this is so bad ngl…#blue lock#blue lock x reader#blue lock angst#bllk angst#bllk manga#bllk x you#bllk x reader#bllk#bllk kaiser#bllk season 2#michael kaiser x you#michael kaiser#kaiser x you#blue lock kaiser#kaiser x reader#kaiser x y/n#bastard munchen
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𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐟𝐮𝐥 ₊˚⊹♡
obsessed!smokescreen x human!reader
summary: you and smokescreen are trying to watch a movie, but his irresistible and constant need for closeness stubbornly gets in the way. will you make it to the end? (spoiler: you won’t.)
cw: fluff, suggestive, obsessive thoughts, unhealthy clinginess, possessiveness, very mild not nsfw dub-con, biting/marking, very light manipulation from smokey
word count: 1570
Your eyelids grow heavier and heavier. Consciousness drifts into another dimension, and your head slowly tilts forward further as you lose contact with reality and embrace sleep with open arms. But alas, sleep is not meant for you—not yet. Your boyfriend is keeping watch, ensuring you continue your fight to stay awake. And when he's near you, he seems unusually attuned to moments like these.
"Hey, hey, don't drift off on me now," he pleads, voice desperate, because this isn’t your first slip-up. "We just started the movie!"
"Ah, sorry," you mumble, rubbing your face to try and wake yourself up, which works. For now.
Your attention returns to the flickering TV screen in the garage, and for a moment, you really do feel alert. You're not proud of how easily you drift off, especially with company, but the day's events are catching up to you, pulling your eyelids downward. You’d promised him you’d finally finish this movie together— you’ve both tried to get through it multiple times, only to be interrupted every single time by something—or rather, someone.
That someone is none other than your personal heater sitting next to you, the primary disruptor of your small private movie nights.
And, as you catch him from the corner of your eye, it's clear he’s got a new idea for spicing up your passive movie-watching routine. His broad smile is utterly contagious, and you fight hard not to let your lips curl. It’s endearing, but you’re not falling for it—not yet. You know exactly where this evening will go if you give him your attention. After all, you’ve lived this scenario many times before.
"Optics on the screen," you chide softly. "We just started the movie, hypocrite."
"Oh, I am watching," he replies, with mock indignation.
"Not me!" you sigh. "We’re not restarting this movie for the tenth time. Look at the screen." You motion toward the brightest source of light in the room.
He knows he should listen. He’s the one who suggested the movie night in the first place. He also chose the film—one of your favorites—because he wanted to experience it with you, to watch your reactions, hear your thoughts, and discuss it afterward. All of it was just a way to interact with you, to be showered in your attention. To absorb it like the finest energon, savoring its addictive sweetness.
It’s not his fault that everything you do is infinitely more interesting than any fiction on the small screen. Sure, he likes human culture and finds it genuinely fascinating—but only because you’re at its center. You’re the one who reveals its secrets, who offers him glimpses of the daily life he so desperately wants to be a part of. Watching movies together lets him simulate that life. He knows he should use every chance to learn more about your world. The problem is, he can’t focus.
It’s not as if there are moments when he thinks of you more or less. No—he’s always thinking about you. Seven days a week, every hour of Earth’s solar cycle. During missions, patrols, recharge—even when he’s with you. It’s suffocating, overwhelming his processor, a constant need to express his untamed emotions, but with no outlet to relieve the ever-growing weight.
Having you by his side is wonderful—feeling your scent, your warmth; brushing shoulders and sharing a blanket. But, ever ambitious, he needs more. Thoughts of you provide only fleeting satisfaction, failing to meet even a fraction of his desire. They leave him helpless once again.
Smokescreen doesn’t want to be just an observer anymore, a witness to the action around him. Those days died with Cybertron.
He wants to feel, touch, and explore, even though he already knows every inch of your body—every mole, scar, and birthmark. Alien, but captivatingly beautiful. Unparalleled softness. Addictive. Meant to be worshipped and adored. It’s no surprise his servos fit your curves perfectly, as if you were made for each other—not just in spark, but in body too. No stimulant could compare to the euphoria of adoring you. No human cinematic masterpiece, no mission, no praise from Optimus Prime himself.
"You’re incorrigible," you sigh. "You just missed the most important part."
Suddenly, he realizes he’s spent the last several kliks staring only at you, fantasizing about physically expressing all the emotions roiling within him. His servos are trembling now, and he has to touch you—to prove how much you mean to him, how vital you are in his life.
Electricity courses through his frame—a signal of surpassing limits. He’s nearing a breaking point, teetering on the edge of abandoning the careful balance of your relationship. Can’t let that happen. He accepts destroying himself, allowing his yearning for you to dictate his sanity, but no scars could ever mar your soul. No matter how many he bears himself.
His trembling servos find the fabric of your shirt and gently tug at it. Enough to send a signal, not to frighten. If you pull away—he’ll shatter.
"Hey," he begins. You glance at him briefly, but your eyes quickly return to the screen. He tugs harder, practically pawing at your stomach now, desperate for attention. "Please, I don’t want to watch the movie anymore. We can finish it another time, can’t we?"
He knows he’s repeating himself, using the same lines he always does. It’s cheap and undignified, unworthy of someone whom even Optimus Prime considered passing the Matrix to. But his need has consumed him, taken over his frame and spark, which craves you so intensely that static buzzes in his audials. Every molecule of his being chants your name, begging for you.
He moves closer, exerting pressure. It’s a dangerous game, one that could easily irritate you. But he’s so desperate he has to play his cards on this gambit.
"I promise we’ll finish it next time, okay? [Name], please, I need you."
"We could also finish it tonight, hmm?" you offer.
"But I already missed the most important part."
"You’re smart—you’ll catch up on the plot." He sees your playful smile, teasing him with your intentions. But this time, he’s too overwhelmed to join in the game.
One servo continues tugging at the edge of your shirt while the other slides beneath it, cautious and precise—while he still has the control to be so.
You finally give in, unable to focus on the film any longer.
"Alright, I’ll hold you to that," you warn, finally turning your head toward him.
What greets you are wide, pleading optics, shimmering with need. Begging for you. Beautiful, but deceptive. Luring you into a trap. Or maybe you’ve already been ensnared? Enchanted into letting him do more—letting his servo wander further up, finding its way to your chest.
"Incorrigible," you murmur, tilting your head slightly to one side, exposing your neck—his canvas for the evening. "But at least I’m not sleepy anymore."
"Good," he purrs near your neck. Warm, processed air brushes against your sensitive skin. "I’m going to show you how much you mean to me. I’m afraid it’ll take a very long time."
Servos press tightly to your body, while dentas leave their mark, creating art from love bites—one of his favorite human inventions. Such a pity he couldn’t bear them himself—would flaunt them proudly if he could.
"I wish they lasted forever," he whispers, kissing the bruised skin, already intoxicated by your closeness, even though it’s only a fraction of what he craves.
"And I don’t," you admit. His response is a hurt whine, but Smokescreen quickly resumes his work, moving slightly higher. His marks always came out messy, more like bites than love bites, but he was so proud of them that you couldn’t bring yourself to criticize him. At least, not directly.
"One of my friends noticed them once. She thought I’d been mauled by a wild animal."
You feel him smile against your skin because it’s an accurate description of his love. Wild, untamed.
"Sorry," but it's also unimaginably tender. "But you like them, right? I’m good at this, aren’t I?"
"You’re unmatched, love."
Not sensing the sarcasm, he holds you tighter, as if he wants to merge you both into one being. Feels his trembling spark yearning for a bond, a union with yours. And while you can’t grant him that, the mere act of sharing the most intimate, vulnerable parts of himself is satisfactory. Not enough, because nothing ever will be. Just like the love bites, the most blissful interfacing, or kisses and cuddles. They work for a brief moment, a fraction of existence. They fill the void, which begins emptying the moment you part.
"I need more," he groans. "Please. I need you."
"I wish you were this eager about watching movies."
You reach for the remote because yet another movie attempt has ended in failure. Your boyfriend doesn’t appreciate your effort to put some distance between you, even for a few millimeters. His servos hold you firmly in place, and his dentas possessively catch your neck. Luckily, you don’t have to reach far.
"We’ll manage next time," he promises, though the absent tone of his voice makes it clear he’s lying. You know he won’t last. He’ll falter at the start, trying to make up for lost time by showering you with affection, though it’ll only be a fraction of what he wants to give.
"Hard to believe that."
"Mhm, love you too," he mutters, utterly enraptured by your closeness.
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what does a barbie mean?
for @steddieholidaydrabbles prompt 'hanukkah'
all of my holiday drabbles will be from the bear hugs universe. many of them could probably be read standalone, but will make the most sense and be enjoyed best if you read that first!
rated g | 633 words | no cw | tags: established relationship, fluff
🕎🕎🕎🕎🕎🕎🕎🕎🕎🕎🕎🕎🕎
When Steve picks Rory up from her friend’s birthday party, she’s surprisingly quiet. Usually after parties, she’s bouncing off the walls, blaming the cake and ice cream and soda and goodie bags full of candy.
By the time they get home, Steve’s getting concerned at her silence.
“Hey green bean, you okay?” He asks as they park in the garage. Eddie’s at work for another hour, so he has to do this alone.
He got used to not having to do this stuff alone anymore.
“Mhm,” Rory answers as she unbuckles her seatbelt. It’s not convincing and Steve turns to tell her that. She’s not looking at him, though.
“Do you wanna talk about something? Did anything happen at the party?” Steve asks. He shouldn’t push, but he’s worried that someone was mean to her. Rory can handle herself, but she’s still human, and she’s still a kid, and words can hurt.
“Nothing happened,” she says, but Steve’s not convinced.
“You can tell me anything.”
Rory finally looks up at him. “How come Santa doesn’t bring Sarah and Rebecca presents? They’re good all year.”
Oh. Well, this is definitely better than he expected, and way easier to explain or fix. No one bullied her, she’s just confused.
“You know how Sarah and Rebecca celebrate Hanukkah instead of Christmas?” Rory nods. “Well, for Hanukkah, they don’t need Santa to bring them presents because the family gets all the gifts and they have special meanings to them.”
“What does a new Barbie mean?” Rory asks.
“I think it just means that Sarah is six and wants a Barbie,” Steve laughs.
“But how come they have eight Christmases in a row?”
Steve briefly explains what he knows about Hanukkah, which is not as much as he should know.
And they go inside and look up more information, because Rory is a curious child and Steve never wants her to stop learning.
And when Eddie gets home, she starts telling him all about how Sarah and Rebecca get to light a candle every night and their dad says a prayer and maybe they could light their own Christmas candle on Christmas Eve.
That weekend, they go straight to the library to get a book about the dreidel game, and make a stop at the store to find chocolate coins. Eddie tags along, a little confused about how serious Rory is taking this, but enthusiastic about playing any game that leads to eating chocolate.
The fascination with Hanukkah ends rather abruptly two days later, when she hears Rebecca talking about jelly doughnuts. Rory hates doughnuts with fillings.
Steve doesn’t bother telling her that it’s not a requirement to eat them for Hanukkah, and he gives Eddie a look to stop him before he does.
“I think we should just have Christmas like we always do,” Rory says. Steve nods like he knew this would be her decision the entire time.
Eddie leans over to whisper in his ear. “Was there a chance we were converting to Judaism?”
Steve shakes his head. “She did this with Chinese New Year two years ago and Dia de los Muertos three years ago. She’s just a curious kid.”
Eddie nods, immediately understanding and knowing that she’ll probably find another way to celebrate something next year, and many years after that. He was the same way as a kid, even remembers one year when he learned what Mardi Gras was and made Wayne buy them all dollar store beads and a King Cake at the grocery store.
“Can we keep the candles though?” Rory asks.
“Yeah, those are nice candles,” Eddie looks at Steve to confirm.
“Sure,” Steve laughs, fond as he can be over his two favorite people being so in sync, even with something like this. “We can keep the candles.”
#steddie#steve harrington#eddie munson#steddie holiday drabbles#steddie events#stranger things#steve harrington x eddie munson#hanukkah#bear hugs universe
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Look, I've learned about Calvin in school, all right, both fundamental and high school, but as my books were marxist, we learned it in the way of "oh, and this shitty guy is one of the reason why capitalism SUCKS, the USA is the worst place on earth, Imperialism IS THE DEVIL ITSELF. Do you know how the Portuguese fucked us over? SO, it would be WAY WORSE if they were Calvinists." (I went to school in Brazil in the turn of the century, we were having a ball after the end of the Dictatorship and showing critical everything to everyone. And while I do not like the marxists interpretation in my school books, it's only because it takes our agency on major things of our history).
And that's it, I followed with my culturally catholic life with a deep distrust of evangelicals and stuff (THEY BROKE IMAGES OF THE VIRGIN MARY IN THE 2000, HOW CAN YOU TRUST THEM), only to come to the year 2022 of our lord, with evangelicals and neopentecostal and megachurches on the rise, the drug traffic and the churches working together and stuff, and I decide to sit down with a collegue that is breaking free of his church to talk about cultural differences between growing up catholic and growing up evangelical. He was explaining something to me and I was so confused, so, so confused. Then something dawned on me. "WHERE'S the free will????? People don't get to MAKE A CHOICE?" and he was so confused. That's when he was introduced to the concept of free will and I was introduced to the concept of manifest destiny live in technicolor, and then there's the two of us having the biggest crisis of our life. "HOW can you follow this religion if everything is already decided? How can you believe in a God that makes you live in fear? How can you think that being afraid is love? That doing things to avoid punishment is better than doing things because you want to, out of the goodness of your heart? How can you live without recognizing that everyone is both good and bad, and goodness is a thing we choose? That sometimes you sin, because you're human and this is our nature, but everyone deserves another chance to change?". He only got angry and stormed off. And before this, I got really angry when they used Christians without including obviously christian religions like catholicism and kardecism (the two other biggest in my country), but after that I'm like. Yeah. If being Christian is whatever you guys got going, catholics are definitely not it. Of course the catholic church has a fuckton of crimes and IS terrible, there's extemists and stuff (I don't even go anymore, fuck them), but like, I can't imagine what it does to someone's brain to grow up in so much fear. In my family, we joke that the evangelical churches seem to love more the Devil and Hell than God and Heaven, because they only speak of them. The first time I heard hell in a mass I was almost thirty and EVERYONE was so pissed at the priest for that sermon that he ended up being removed from the parish.
Anyway, we may not be rich or chosen or anything like that, we have our faults, but at least we care for each other, and in the end that's what matters. And as a country that was marjorly catholic, our constitution follows this principles - to the point that it's way more advanced and offers way more protection to minorities than what the society today would like. Our problem now is that the evangelicals are on the rise, and with them the ideas of exceptionalism and that you should not help the poor and these ridiculous stuff and they prey this same poor and vulnerable people, while throwing rocks at priests that feed and treat the homeless. This is not a metaphor, they are actually trying to outlaw giving food to homeless people, mostly because of one priest that does this in a huge city (with the help of the nearby mosque, I must add!).
Anyway, I got derailed, but what I want to say is that even if you are aware of the consequences of Calvin and his thoughts, sometimes you can't grasp how deep this influence goes and the implications until you see a change. I can say for myself that I never realised who deeply catholicism influenced the laws and the way people behave in my country until it began changing. In the end, growing up in a religion gives you a set a core beliefs about the world that shapes everything around it. The major religion (or lack of!) of a country has huge influence in about every single thing.
Me, starting a video that says it's going to explain how Victorian poorhouses fucked up the concept of charity forever: ok, show me what you've got
Video: it starts with the ideas of the Christian philosopher --
Me: DON'T SAY IT DON'T FUCKING SAY IT
Video: -- John Calvin
Me:
#anyway i don't even know what i'm saying anymore#it's important to look into this stuff to have a better undestanding of reality#once my ex evangelical friend said that to them Mary is just SOME WOMAN#i have all the critics of catholicism but the core beliefs are not one of them#sometimes YOU HAVE TO FELL GUILTY#like when bombing another country this shit should torment the person who gave the order for the rest of their lives#choose your guilt!!!
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Tribute for the Dragon (8/18)
Pairing: Dragon|Sylus x Fem|Reader
Summary: Sylus takes you to witness a dragon celebration and things take a rather fiery turn.
Content Warnings: Adult language. Thigh riding.
Length: 3k
Chapters: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (9)
Read on AO3
Life in the mountain was different.
You hadn’t noticed it at first but things were different. Ever since you and Sylus actively started getting to know one another the mountain felt more homey. You weren’t just a servant wandering these halls, both mystified and turned on by the dragon you served. He had become a friend.
Things had never gotten as personal as they did the day he told you about what life was like for him growing up. It had been a lot for him to admit, even under the initial guise of a draconic folktale. He never mentioned it again and you didn’t pry. But you were glad.
Your dragon was someone you knew. Questions you had no longer had to be filled with your imaginings. When wanted to know something about him, he just told you.
You were happy and you felt trusted.
You had noticed a shift in Sylus too. It was more subtle but he was around more. He went out of his way to seek you out and talk to you throughout the day. He was gentler, not as aloof. He still teased you but it felt more like a joke between the two of you instead of him trying to antagonize you.
You also just had fun together now. When you were bored you’d go to the hoard room and make towers out of the gold coins and jewels for fun. You taught him human card games and even tried to teach him human dances too. You quickly realized that dragons were not the most graceful of creatures when not flying.
“It’s really not that hard. Try again.” you held him at arm’s length as you tried to get him to copy your moves. “Out and in and your arm goes up and I duck under. One and two and three and four.”
You tried to do the move but again Sylus twisted the wrong way when you ducked under. “Are you purposefully getting this wrong to spite me?”
“I would never.” he settled his hands on his hips. “I just don’t understand how I am supposed to angle my body so that it doesn’t end up twisted.”
“I keep telling you, just arc backwards, follow the movement the way it flows. You’re the one that’s supposed to be leading, I follow you, you don’t follow me.”
“Why are we learning this again?” he asked.
“For something to do.” you shrugged. “I grew up doing this dance every year at the village festivals. My father would always take me out onto the dance floor when I was little and then when I got older and I could have other partners, I always made sure to save a dance with him. Dancing was always my favorite part of the festivals.”
“Your festivals sound like they are more fun than dragon celebrations.”
“Really? I would have guessed that a dragon party would be far more interesting than a human festival. I mean, what do a bunch of dragons do at a dragon celebration? Food? Games? Dancing?”
“Food definitely. Games, maybe. Dancing, never.”
“So what do you do?”
“Depends on what the celebration is about.” Sylus thought for a moment. “Actually, there is one that should be starting soon.”
“Really?”
“Yes. We cannot exactly attend but we may still watch the events from a distance.”
“That doesn’t sound like so much fun.”
“It might not be. But I thought perhaps you’d like to witness a little about dragon culture.”
“I would. You’ve piqued my curiosity. When is this celebration?”
“Three days I believe, during the half moon. Shouldn’t take more than a couple hours by flight.”
“What do you mean flight?”
~~~
“This is the best thing ever!” you shrieked with glee as Sylus and you soared through the warm summer air. Sylus had you wrapped tight in his arms as he flew. The wind stung your face but you couldn’t stop beaming.
“That was right in my ear, little bird.” Sylus said. “I know you’re excited but I’d still like to be able to hear.”
“Sorry.” you knew that it was easiest for him to fly when you were still but you were just so excited all you wanted to do was bounce around. “I cannot believe that I’m really flying!”
“It’s very freeing, isn’t it?”
“It’s amazing!” you clung tighter onto his neck. “I wish I could fly myself. It must be annoying that you have to carry me.”
“I don’t mind. Just try to keep still, we have a long flight ahead of us until we get to the shore.” He reminded you. It took a couple of hours of straight flying but eventually you saw the blue of the ocean in the distance. The only time you had been to the ocean before was when you were very small and you didn’t remember much of anything. It was still impossibly big, even from a distance.
Sylus touched down on a high cliff about a mile from the beach. “Why don’t we go down?” you asked. “I’d love to get my feet in the sand.”
“Not today. This is dragon land and this is a very important tradition that is happening today and I’m afraid if they smell a human has been tromping around down there, we may get in some trouble.”
“And being on the cliff is better?”
“We’re downwind, also, what is most important is the sand. They should not care that we’re up here so long as we don’t touch the sand.”
“The sand? What’s so special about the sand?”
“You’ll see. Now, how about we have some of the food you packed.”
You slung the pack off your shoulder and opened it up. Inside was a blanket, a large skin of water, and a lot of food you had wrapped tightly in paper to avoid leaking all over the pack. You knew Sylus needed a lot of food and after such a long flight he was bound to be ravenous. You laid out the blanket over the grass and sat down to eat.
Even if you couldn’t go on the beach it was nice to be by the ocean. The salty sea air blew across your skin and the sun warmed your face. You watched as the waves rolled and crashed down below. It was so peaceful.
The peace was abruptly broken when a deafening roar echoed across the air. You had immediately scrambled next to Sylus, searching the sky for what had made such a noise. Sylus chuckled and pointed out in the distance where a swarm of dots in the distance were growing larger and larger. “Are those all dragons?”
“Yes. Now is when we have to be quiet and keep our heads low. They shouldn’t know that we are up here but I’d rather not risk it.” he wrapped an arm around your shoulders, “Stay close to me, it’ll help mask your scent.”
You huddled close and watched as dragons landed on the beach. They were beautiful and frightening. They came in many shapes and sizes and colors. Some as green as glittering emeralds, others had opalescent scales that reflected the sun like a mirror, and then there was the largest of them all, a hulking red and black dragon, with eyes of molten fire and two long silver whiskers.
Sylus pointed to the largest dragon, “That’s the elder of this tribe, Tengya. It’s said that he’s lived for over five thousand years.”
“Is that why he’s so big?” you whispered, afraid to talk any louder.
“Yes. Unlike humans who stop growing at a certain point, dragons only get larger the longer they are alive. His size is testament to how long he has been on the planet. Many battles he has faced and he remains.”
“Do dragons die naturally or are they immortal?”
“They can die of old age, most don’t make it to that point. Most dragons end up dead battling other dragons or being felled by humans. Not Tengya though, no one that has challenged him has survived.”
“I can see why. He’s terrifying.”
“Yes he is. Imagine living with him.”
“Live with him? Did you live in his tribe?”
“I did, for a bit.” he gruffed. “He’s about as approachable as he looks.”
You didn’t ask any further questions and instead watched the dragons on the beach. The sound of their roars only got louder now that they were all gathered together. As the sun began to set the elder, Tengya, stepped forward and the beach fell silent. He sat back and nodded to one of the smaller dragons to step forward. It was a sky blue dragon that stepped forward and bowed their head.
There was an expectant silence as the blue dragon dug its claws into the sand, arched its back, and then blew a hot wave of fire out of its mouth into the sand. It was then you realized what it was doing. It was the same as what your father did in his shop but on a much larger and less precise scale. The dragon had turned the sand into twisting tower of glass.
The dragons on the beach thumped their tails against the ground, almost like applause.
“What is this?” you whispered to Sylus.
“It’s a rite of adulthood.” he explained just as quietly, “Adolescent dragons have to demonstrate their power by blowing a fire into the sand to create large craters and statues. The bigger the formation, the more powerful they are seen.”
“Amazing.” you watched as the next dragon stepped forward to a new patch of glass. This one used its wings to pick up more sand as they blew their fire and made an even taller sculpture than the last. “What do they do with the glass afterwards?”
“It is considered treasure and taken back as the first piece of their proper hoard and usually given a place of honor.”
You thought back to the hoard room back at your mountain. You had explored it quite a few times now and you could not recall seeing a giant glass sculpture anywhere in there.
One by one you watched as the young dragons stepped forward and made their creations. It was amazing to witness but the sun had long since set and you were starting to get cold up on the cliff. A shiver ran through your body and Sylus pulled you onto his lap, his wings extended from his back and folded in around you to shield you from the wind. You leaned against him, sapping whatever warmth you could get from his body.
“You know,” you said, “I’m glad you were the dragon that moved into the mountain. Before meeting you I would not have thought I’d feel so safe in a dragon’s arms. ”
“Nor did I think I’d embrace a human like this.” he said, nuzzling his nose against your hair. “I’m glad it was you that hiked up the mountain. Anyone else would not have been nearly as interesting.”
Your heart was beating terribly loud again. You picked your head off his shoulder and looked him in the eye. “Sylus,” your cold hands rested on his broad warm chest. “I’m scared I’m going to do something foolish.”
“And what foolish thing is that, little bird?” he asked. He stared back at you through half lidded eyes, once again letting nothing show on his face.
“This.” you leaned closer, your eyes falling shut as you pressed your lips to his.
He had gone rigid in your arms, his lips unmoving against yours. Immediately you worried that you had done something wrong. You pulled back slightly, embarrassed beyond words. “I’m sorry. I told you it was foolish--”
Sylus grabbed the back of your neck and pushed your mouth back against his. You gasped and his tongue swept into your mouth. You wound your hands into his silvery hair, trying to pull him even more into you. He tasted like heat and spice, as if you had taken a drop of the summer sun and let it coat your tongue.
“You continue to surprise me.” he murmured against your lips.
“And you worried me. I thought I had ruined everything for a moment there.” you chuckled.
“Took me a moment to realize you had actually done that.” his hands landed on your hips, adjusting you so sat more comfortably on his lap. “You taste even sweeter than I thought you would.”
He pulled you back in, pushing your entire body flush to him so not a part of you wasn’t on him. His teeth gently worried your lower lip and you could feel the sharp point of his canines graze your skin. You felt something slide across your ankle and squeaked, worried for a moment it was a snake before realizing it was Sylus’s tail.
“Don’t mind it.” he said, “I feel it sometimes has a mind of its own. But this, is all me.”
His tail had slithered under the fabric of your skirt and wrapped around your thigh, pulling your leg over him so you were straddled on one of his legs. “What are you--ah!” you got your answer when he jostled the leg you were straddled across.
“Ride it.” his voice had dropped to that low growl you had heard him use when you were both in the hot spring.
Oh gods, were you really doing this? You lowered yourself so your cunt was pressed right to his thigh and ground your hips down. The bit of friction sent pleasurable ripples through your body and you could feel heat pooling between your legs. His hands roamed up and down your body, touching you in a way you had only allowed in your fantasies.
“You’re still so cold,” he said, the pad of his thumb teasing your nipple through the material of your dress. “Just look at how you shiver.”
“Sylus,” you ground against his leg a little harder. “Please Sylus.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep you warm.” his mouth latched to your neck, biting and bruising the sensitive skin.
You moaned aloud, pressing yourself more into his touch. You knew that you had to have soaked through the material of your undergarments. You normally went without since it meant more laundry to do but considering that you had to fly here you wanted the extra cover. Right now it was very inconvenient. You wanted to feel the leather of his pants rubbing against your clit. Wanted to stain his leg with your arousal.
“Sylus,” you panted, “I want to feel you more.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Alright, I can do that.” he said. You thought he was going to let you shuffle about so you could get the undergarments off but instead his hand slid under your dress. “Lift your hips up.”
You weren’t sure what he was doing but you lifted yourself off his leg. You felt the pressure of his claws, cold and hard press against the soaked material and a grin spread on his face. Then the sound of cloth ripping as he cut a slit at the crotch. “There, keep going.”
You lowered yourself again, this time feeling the leather of his pants directly against your soaked and sensitive cunt. You moaned again and he plastered his mouth to yours, swallowing the sound.
“Keep going. Don’t stop until you come.” he commanded. “I want you looking in my eyes as you come undone.”
You threw your arms around his neck, your forehead pressed to his as you rode his thigh. Your cunt spasmed and clenched around nothing longing to be filled. It was all getting to be too much. You were dizzy from pleasure, so close to an orgasm but it was right out fo reach.
Sylus kept his hands on your breasts, rubbing and pinching your nipples through the cotton. His tail was still wrapped around your one thigh, squeezing it tighter and pulling your leg back down when you tried to wiggle off his leg. He switched from biting and bruising your neck to kissing you fiercely. Every little sound you made he wanted it poured down his throat instead. And at this point there were many sounds for him to feast upon.
You were panting and moaning his name against his lips. “Come for me.” he said. “I need you to come for me, my wildfire.”
“Sylus!” your voice cracked as you came.
“That’s it, that’s my girl.” he grabbed your chin and forced you to look in his eyes. Your cunt twitched again, flooding with arousal but nothing to cling onto. All of your juices spilled out onto his thigh, making the leather supple and soft underneath you.
You collapsed forward, your face buried in his neck. His hands gentled up and down your back, easing you back from the high. “Breathe, you did so good. You were so good, little bird.”
“I…I’m feeling much warmer now.” you muttered into his neck.
He chuckled. “Yes. Me too.” For a minute yout sat there catching your breath before Sylus moved you off of his lap.
“What are you doing?”
“It’s probably best we head back now while you’re still warm.” he said.
“But--”
“Trust me, I want nothing more than to tear this dress to pieces and fuck you till you’re screaming. But we also don’t want to garner too much attention up here.”
“Attention?”
“Remember what I said about dragons having an excellent sense of smell?” he nodded towards the beach. “I would really rather not have everyone down on the beach realize that there is a very horny human and dragon nearby.”
“Oh right…” you had forgotten where you were for a moment.
“Come along. Quickly.” he stuffed everything back in the pack and handed it to you.
You gave one final look to the dragons down on the beach surrounded by their giant glass sculptures that glittered in the half-moon light. Sylus scooped you into his arms and you were back to the skies. You held tight to him, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck as you began the long flight back home.
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imagine a tumblr dash for zombies during the apocalypse. zomblr.
#nico rambles #zomblr
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🥩 meatloverz Follow
fresh brains r so hard to come by today bro :(
🌫️ runrunrun Follow
brains? in this economy?
#i phrase like a joke but really #living humans are starting to run out fast
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✅ pollstovote Follow
Anon says they personally try to lunge to the face just to instill fear for their own amusement, but upon telling others as such they were told that´s “too extreme” and that they should “just focus on eating people”. Thus, anon wants to know where people like trying to bite others.
#poll #polls #tumblr polls #bite #biting #infections #infect #submitted poll ideas #pollstovote
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🌼 sunnydaisy Follow
I now understand how spiders georg likely felt omg
#the hunger the HUNGER #sorry moots I need to rebrand soon #sunny says
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🚷 wander-n-pick Follow
Funniest fucking shit happened today. I distracted a survivor trying to bash my head open by telling them the tumblr code aND THE FUCKER FROZE AND SLOWLY RESPONDED BACK. CORRECTLY. IT WORKED. IF I WASNT AS HUNGRY AS I WAS THEN I WOULDVE DIED AGAIN LAUGHINH
🌀 confusion-confuzzed Follow
YOU.
🚷 wander-n-pick Follow
oh my god
#HEY IM SORRY MAN #WELCOME I GUESS #should´ve known you´d come across this post sooner or later with how popular it got #holy shit
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🧑🏻 nico-the-overlord Follow
imagine a tumblr dash for zombies during the apocalypse. zomblr.
🧑🏻 nico-the-overlord Follow
hi so apparently this is a thing, fell down the rabbit hole of this place, then got attacked irl while distracted scrolling help
#nico rambles #zomblr #how do I tag #am a idiot
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💔 rottingphases🌔 Follow
“stop don´t hurt me” “I don´t want to get eaten” like it´s my fault you taste so delicious
#txt #5k #10k
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🕸️ dying-inwards Follow
Kind of sad yet ironic I haven´t felt so alive in years actually
#vent post
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🔺conehead Follow
horrid hunger plaguing my psyche, I must find a little treat to fix this posthaste
🔺conehead Follow
hopital (:<
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🐉 scabbingscars Follow
my toxic trait is thinking this song´s story now has a real chance happening to me
youtube
#I want to believe in romanceee! #still don´t want the relationship part but fuck something else pls #I´m so bored cornering and killing screaming people now
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📸 freeky-free Follow
yay yahoo brains and blood and love for all 🥰
🦄 glimmerhope Follow
people are literally loosing their lives and you make this type of post? disgusting.
📸 freeky-free Follow
no ohno spooky brains and evil blood and sad for all 😰
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#I am going to pretend for a second wifi/electricity still works somehow and zombies could still type on their phones and devices#lets be real everyone (live or undead) would still try to blog even at the end of the world at least#nico rambles#fake tumblr dash#I´ve wanted to make one of these for a while#long post#fake tumblr post
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An Unexpected Irondad Christmas 🎄
Peter was having a very boring Christmas.
May was working a 12 hour shift, all his friends were busy with their families, and the streets were too quiet to patrol.
It seems even criminals have a conscious.
While the presents under the tree were strictly off limits, May did let him open his stocking on his own. Therefore his special Christmas breakfast included a hot chocolate bomb and microwavable bacon, his lunch a festive green and red gummy bear salad, and dinner... he was honestly a bit sick of sweets, so box mac and cheese it was.
Peter is browsing channels for a good Christmas special while the water boils when a knock booms through the apartment.
Peter frowns, remote hanging limply in his hand while he tries to recall if he's expecting someone. Sometimes Ms. Hacket from down the hall gets lonely and comes for tea.
The knock sounds again, more impatiently, and Peter sets the remote down to answer the door.
He opens it a crack and then freezes.
"Mr. Stark?"
He's in a nice coat, long and black with a collar and three buttons. His hair is fluffed up with specks of white, and his dark sunglasses have droplets of water from the melted snow.
"Hey kid. Merry Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Or... whatever. Happy holidays."
Peter opens the door more fully now. He can see that Mr. Stark is holding something, several plastic bags stuffed heavily.
"Merry Christmas to you too. Um, I didn't get you a gift or anything, was I supposed to?"
Tony looks down at the bags in his hands like he forgot they existed.
"Oh. No, definitely not. This is a funny story actually. Y'know, I have this big Christmas dinner at the tower every year, beautifully catered food, all my friends around a big table, Pepper makes this delicious coffee cake for dessert. We drink, stuff our faces, the more drunk of us sing stupid holiday songs. It was really nice actually, considering most of us don't have families to do that stuff with."
He looks wistful, eyes not in the present.
"That... sounds really nice Mr. Stark," Peter says when Tony spends too much time lost in thought.
"Yeah. Well, the band broke up this year, all my friends are gone, or hate me, or both. Pepper's in Florida with her parents, who also hate me, especially because of all the on-again-off-again stuff, so I definitely wasn't welcome there. Rhodey can't travel with his injuries. And I—" he breaks off into a laugh, hysterical and whining, "forgot to cancel the catering order!"
Peter stares at him with wide eyes. The man only falls further into laughter, but the glisten in his eyes is anything but joyful.
Eventually he calms, straightening up and showing off the bags in his hands, "I have so much food, really nice, expensive, well done food for a big family of super humans and spies, and I'm completely alone! I even offered Happy a Christmas bonus to stay and eat turkey but apparently he actually has family—"
"You bribed Happy?"
"Christmas. Bonus."
He holds out the bags to Peter, "anyways. You're a growing boy, your aunt seems hardworking. You guys deserve nice food so. Here. You take it."
Peter's hands hesitate to reach out but Tony simply dumps the bags into his twitching palms anyways, the boy nearly dropping them from the unexpected handoff.
"It's untouched. There's turkey, ham, ribs, three types of potatoes, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, extra gravy for Nata—uh, feta bites, balsamic glazed carrots, peas, corn, stuffing, fresh baked rolls... you get the idea. Just didn't want the food to go to waste and I know your aunt can't cook to save her life so. Actually, where is she? Should probably be an adult and say hello."
Peter stares in amazement and intimidation at the bags in his hands. He can now see they're full of food containers, dozens of them.
"She's not home. Holiday pay is pretty good so she's at work."
Tony takes his sunglasses off, blinking at the kid.
"Oh. So you're alone? That's depressing."
Peter has to bite his tongue so he doesn't point out the older man's much lonelier, much more depressing predicament.
"Yep. I don't mind that much, I'll see her later tonight and open presents. I've just been watching movies. And thank you so much for all this food Mr. Stark, you didn't have to think of me."
"It's no problem, really."
They both stand there for a moment. Tony looks around as if the chips in the door frame are paintings at Le Louvre, and Peter stares at the man with his awkward posture and red marked hands from carrying all the heavy food.
"Did—did you want to come in?"
"I suppose I could spare a few minutes," Tony answers without delay, shoving past Peter into his home.
Continue reading on AO3 ☃️
#irondad and spiderson#irondad#peter parker#tony stark#mcu#marvel#marvel mcu#christmas#ao3 link#marvel fanfiction#may parker#ao3 fanfic
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Concerning your theory on Desmond protecting Eloise and knowing her from before the killing game, I think I found something that could be used as evidence for that.
During his introduction in chapter 0, Desmond phrases the fact he never killed anybody in a specific manner : he says
"I only practice on stationary targets. Moving targets are really outside my comfort zone. Believe me, I've never taken a human life."
He never denies having shot somebody, he only says that he never killed someone, and that he doesn't like moving targets.
That seems to be in accord with the theory that Desmond is protecting somebody from before the killing game, as a bodyguard might not have to do any murdering, simply incapacitating any threats.
As for who he protects, I think the scene where Desmond bring attention to the broken locks.
Eloise is quick to understand what Desmond is doing, defending his decision in front of everyone, saying
"I think I get what he's trying to say. You just want to everyone to be honest with each other... so we can cover all our bases... right?"
afterward, Eloise reacts to both Toshiko attempts to choose herself the pairs, and to Ingrid saying they should separate by gender.
While Desmond can keep his calm as it was already established that he was good staying composed, but Eloise, as is shown in her Free time events.
I would also like to hear your opinion on the theory that the organizers of the killing game are previous ultimates. I think we can prove two, and extrapolate two more.
I think Tozu is clearly the ultimate actor, or maybe playwright. He is quite theatrical, and he often makes literary references, from Horace to the bible. He also, in a Inner World (the scenes when Damon sleeps, taking the place of the monokuma theater), he said :
"that's what we in the industry like to call a "cliffhanger"."
Which implies he is from an industry that uses that term, so some form of media.
Mara is most likely an ultimate soldier, or similar, as she uses guns, and dresses similarly to Mukuro.
The two we can extrapolate don't have name, and one doesn't have any known talent.
The one we don't know anything about is the one mentioned in the Inner world about ships. Tozu mentions a "spindly boy with cream-colored hair". I think he is also part of the killing game organizer, even if we know nothing about him, simply because he is described physically.
The second we can extrapolate is the previous ultimate debater. In Wenona's Free time events, we learn that there was an ultimate debater before Damon, who was also more accomplished than him. I think he is part of the killing game organizers mainly because it would fit the theme, as a previous debater but with a more "important" or "real" talent than Damon.
Oh wow I did not think there'd be more evidence to support the idea of Desmond and Eloise being in some form of alliance, but the more clues people bring up the more I'm kind of convinced of it as well. I also noticed that when Desmond said he'd never "killed anyone", he didn't explicitly say he's never actually shot at a moving target, just that he's not that great at it (which I don't believe lol how could you be the Ultimate Marksman if you can't actually hit a moving target?)
However, I think the point in your second theory could have something to do with it. Damon mentions that nowadays the title of Ultimate is just "given to anyone" and has kind of lost it's meaning. And when you think about it, it makes sense when you really examine each character and how they use their talent. Damon is a debater, but he rarely uses it to argue for himself, choosing to instead use it to argue in favor of other people's points.
Eva was the Ultimate Mathlete, but she was clearly good at other things besides math. So if she wanted to, why didn't this Ultimate talent program give her a different title, or one that could encompass all of her actual talents?
Kai is the Ultimate Influencer, but a lot of the people there don't recognize him at all.
Ulysses is the Ultimate Historian but he doesn't even remember everything, and has to write most of it down.
They all are stuck with a talent but either aren't as great at it as you'd expect, or have something holding them back from really excelling in said talent. I wonder if this Killing Game is being put on by truly great Ultimates who lost their titles to the current cast of characters? Imagine you work hard for god knows how long to get recognition, but you lose it all because some kid who's not even that great at it becomes better anyways lol
And from the way Eva described it, being an Ultimate really dictates how people see you in this society. She wrote a lot of papers on other subjects but they were all ignored because "She's the Ultimate Mathlete" and that's all.
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The Birds Of Gotham #1
This is part one of, well maybe a series, i dont know yet, i guess it depends on if people like it. So leave a comment if you want more parts!
POV: Me acting this whole thing out infront of my mirror and my cat watching me like, "What is wrong with her?".
Here is my AO3 again, all my fics will be postet there a few days before they are posted here.
"Never Been Bats, have we?"
“How dare you call me?” Nightwing spat out before he even fully materialized in the Zeta Tube.
“Nightwing, what are you talking about?” Superman, ever the boyscout, tried to diffuse the situation. His efforts were ignored, instead Nightwing, who was in sweatpants and a T-Shirt with leggings and a long-sleeved shirt underneath, instead of his suit, domino mask peeling off slightly at the edges, singled in on Batman.
“How dare you call me up here, when I was the one sitting on Steph’s bedside, rubbing her back, when she was coughing up blood the whole night?” The vigilante seemed close to ripping the bat’s head off, weren’t he in the middle of the Watchtower, surrounded by heroes.
“Everyone gets hurt on patrol at some point, get yourself together.” Batman finally turned from the computer to his former protege.
“Oh! That’s what you think I’m mad about? I know that everyone gets hurt at one point or another, that basically comes with the job! What I’m mad about is the fact that I shouldn’t be the one sitting next to your children the whole night, making sure they keep breathing! I should not be the one making sure my siblings don’t die, while you are up here or down in the cave, looking over case files!” Shocked gasps ran through the rows of heroes, partially because they didn't know Batman had other children and partially because, how could he?
“It should not be me who they call for help, when they are injured or sick in the middle of the night, simply because they know I will come and care for them, instead of telling them that they have to work in every situation and that it’s good training! They are children for fucks sake! They aren’t machines, that can be repaired when they are broken! That’s not how bodies work, not how human minds work, once they are broken, they will never be whole again! Just look at Jason, but when have you ever done that? When have you ever seen us as the fragile children we were, we are?”
“Nightw-”
“No! I should not be the one who reminds Tim to take his antibiotics! I should not be the one to always carry emergency Epipens with me, simply because you don’t even know that Duke is allergic to Peanuts! I bet you didn’t even notice that they changed their emergency contact in their files months ago!” Batman seemed to crumble with every word Nightwing said.
“Now if you’d excuse me, I have to go buy snacks for family game night” That seemed to be it, the big scary bat, in his black kevlar suit fell forward on his knees, not so big and scary any more.
“Yes! Game Night!” The young speedster sprinted forward towards Nightwing, “Can we get M&M’s?”
“Of course”, Nightwing looked down at Bart, his demeanour completely changed, lips curled in a smile, “You coming?”, he looked up at the Young Justice team hovering in the corner, knowing better than to stand in the way, when their leader starts yelling his disappointment at someone.
“As long as we don’t play Monopoly again” Superboy stepped up next to the duo, shoving Bart towards the Zeta Tube.
“Don’t worry, Monopoly has a lifetime ban, so does DKT. I actually don’t plan on anyone getting stabbed or shot tonight.” Bart opened his mouth to retort something, but Batman, who seemed to be in the condition to talk again, was faster.
“Richard” He whispered, looking pleadingly at his son, who’s smile dropped in an instant, expression turning so icy that Connor and Bart took a step back.
“Don’t you ‘Richard’ me.” Nightwing – Richard – walks until he stands in front of his father, coking his head like he was thinking about something, he crouches down so that he was face to face with a man that would probably even find a way to give blowjobs standing, just so he didn’t have to bow to anyone.
“You know, the others had a bet; What will happen first, me snapping or you ‘The Worlds Greatest Detective’ figuring out that slowly but surely, you have grown to be the only Bat Gotham has. But then again, we have never been Bats, have we? We have always been the Robins, tiny little, cute Robins. That’s the way you raised us, like birds, being shoved out the secure nest – fly or die. But we flew, we flew and we grew, out of the cute, little Robin persona, into something bigger, something more lethal, that you simply can’t control any more. Your cute little Robins grew into birds of prey, while you, the lonely little bat, grow old and weak in your cave. Do you know what happens when bats grow old, weak and lonely, their only friend justice and their moral code? They simply can’t hold themselves at the top any more and then they fall and shatter on the cave floor. With no one looking for them, because bats grow up in the safety of their cave, having everything served to them on a silver platter, while birds learn to either fly or die.”
Nighwing kept his voice cool and hard through his whole speech, not moving from his spot in front of Batman, the man in question looking close to tears by the end of it. Even the heroes of earth, it’s first line of defence, looked shocked, not sure if they should help Batman, make sure that Nightwing hasn’t turned evil or agree with what the young man said. So most of them are just standing there, looking confused and slightly shell shocked at the revelations.
Richard just stood back up and turned to his father once again, “Maybe bats shouldn’t be raising birds in a bird way, expecting them to turn out as bats.”, Nightwing turned back towards the Zeta Tube, ignoring the man kneeling on the floor in the middle of the Watchtower, just to stop next to Bart and Connor “Good talk, Bruce”.
With that he ruffles Bart’s hair, “Lets go get your M&M’s”, and the trio dematerializes back to earth.
#dc universe#dcu#dick grayson#young justice#batfam#nightwing#batman#bart allan#dc impulse#connor kent#superboy#superman#clark kent#angst#bad parent figure#bad dad bruce wayne#tim drake#jason todd#stephanie brown#steph brown#duke thomas#mentions of medication#mentions of blood
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His Shadows & Their Starlight
Storyline:-(Ver.2.0) Azriel is sitting next to Elain as you sit by the fireplace reading. You've been staying with Azriel, Cassian, and Rhysand for the past two months in Velaris. You're a mortal but Rhysand says you have different abilities that no mortal should be able to have. For example, winnowing or teleporting. Azriel is in love with Elain Archeron even though Elain already has a mate.
Word count:- 1.3k
Warnings:- Insecurity, Lonliness, Jealousy, Angst.
Chapter 1: The Shadows in the Room
Isla's POV
I didn’t belong here.
That thought echoed through my mind over and over as I sat at the large, intricately carved wooden table in the Night Court’s expansive dining hall. The room was filled with an air of quiet sophistication, bathed in the soft light of glowing crystals that flickered in hues of violet and gold. It was beautiful, like something out of a dream, and yet all I could feel was out of place.
I was a mortal. A mere human with abilities I still didn’t fully understand, lost in a world of immortals—Fae, gods, and creatures far beyond anything I had ever imagined. They were kind to me, at least outwardly, but the strange feeling of being different, of being a thing that didn’t belong, weighed heavily on my chest. The shimmering elegance of Velaris seemed to mock my smallness, my humanity.
I tried to focus on the conversation happening around me, but it was all noise, all blur. Rhysand, the High Lord of the Night Court, was speaking to someone, his voice smooth and calm, but I couldn’t pay attention to the words. My gaze wandered around the room, falling on a lone figure at the far end of the table.
Azriel.
The spymaster. The shadowsinger. The brooding, silent warrior with eyes that could pierce straight through you, as if he could see everything—every flaw, every mistake, every fear. He had always been the most mysterious of the Night Court, and no matter how many times I tried to make sense of him, I always came up short.
He was seated far from me, his posture stiff and rigid, his eyes fixed on something that wasn’t there. He looked like he didn’t want to be here, like he was waiting for something to end.
But even in his detachment, there was something about him that drew me in, a pull I couldn’t quite explain. It was more than just his dark, handsome features or the way his presence seemed to fill the room despite his quiet demeanor. No, it was deeper than that. It was the aura of sadness, of anger, that seemed to cling to him like a second skin.
I had only been in Velaris for a few weeks, but I had already sensed the tension between him and Elain, the youngest member of the Inner Circle. They rarely spoke directly to each other, and when they did, it was cold, distant. Sometimes, their exchanges felt like a battle of wills, neither one willing to yield.
Elain was kind, gentle, the kind of person who radiated warmth and light. She was everything Azriel wasn’t, and yet the connection between them was undeniable. But it was also complicated. She had her bond with Lucien, the fiery redhead who always seemed to be in the middle of everything, and Azriel… Azriel had his own battles.
Watching them from a distance, I couldn’t help but feel like an intruder. They were tied to each other in ways I couldn’t understand, and I didn’t know where I fit in. As a mortal, I was a guest, a foreigner in their world, and I had no place in their intricate web of relationships.
But despite that, my eyes kept drifting back to Azriel. There was something about him, something that pulled at me even in my confusion and isolation. I couldn’t stop noticing the way his shadows flickered around him like extensions of his very being, like they were alive, whispering secrets to each other.
It was in the way his shadows moved that night that caught my attention.
They weren’t just there. They were… reaching.
As the conversation continued around me, I felt a strange sensation creeping along my skin, like an electric charge in the air. My heart skipped a beat as I realized the shadows that trailed behind Azriel were moving, stretching toward me. They were subtle at first, almost imperceptible, but as the night wore on, they became harder to ignore.
My pulse quickened. I was in the middle of a conversation, but my attention had completely shifted. I couldn’t take my eyes off the shadows. I looked up at Azriel, who had yet to notice my gaze, and felt a twinge of unease. Why was I feeling this? Was I imagining things?
“Isla?”
Rhysand’s voice broke through my thoughts, and I blinked rapidly, snapping back to reality. I looked up to find him smiling kindly at me, though there was a glimmer of concern in his violet eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, feeling my cheeks flush with embarrassment. “I was… lost in thought.”
Rhysand’s smile deepened, but there was still a touch of curiosity in his gaze. “It’s all right. If you’re not feeling up to this, we can call it a night.”
I shook my head quickly, not wanting to appear weak. “No, I’m fine.”
I forced my attention back to the conversation, but my thoughts remained on Azriel, on the way the shadows that swirled around him seemed to reach out to me. They were drawing closer now, moving like tendrils of smoke, curling and uncurling as if beckoning me.
There was no reason for me to feel this way. Shadows were nothing new to me; I had learned long ago to accept that I had strange abilities, some of which I didn’t fully understand. But this… this was different. These weren’t just shadows. They were alive, and they wanted something from me.
I glanced again at Azriel. He hadn’t moved, hadn’t acknowledged the strange movements of the shadows at all. His face remained impassive, as though he didn’t even notice the way his own shadows responded to me. But I could feel them. They were reaching for me, wrapping around me in a silent embrace.
The moment felt surreal. My skin tingled with an odd warmth, and I felt… comforted. The shadows, cold and dark as they were, seemed to understand me in a way no one else had. I wasn’t sure if they were reaching for me because they recognized something in me or if it was just Azriel’s quiet power influencing them. But I was drawn to them, to the silence they offered, to the unspoken promise they seemed to whisper.
I wanted to pull back, to escape the weight of the moment, but I couldn’t. The shadows surrounded me like a second skin, offering their quiet, silent support.
“Isla?”
This time, it was Azriel’s voice, low and gravelly, and I flinched. My heart raced as I turned to face him. His piercing hazel eyes met mine, and for a brief moment, the tension between us seemed to stretch out in a tight, invisible line.
He was watching me closely, studying me with an intensity that made me feel exposed, as if he could see right through me.
I opened my mouth to speak, but the words failed me. I wasn’t sure what I could say. I didn’t understand what was happening.
“You’re… staring,” Azriel said, his voice softer now, though it held a faint trace of curiosity.
I didn’t know how to respond. The shadows were still with me, curling around my legs and arms like a gentle caress, and yet, I could feel their weight. Azriel’s shadows. The shadows that followed him wherever he went.
I wanted to ask him about them. I wanted to ask him why they reacted to me, why they seemed to care. But I couldn’t. Something about him—his distance, his silence—kept me at arm’s length.
“I’m sorry,” I managed finally, though the apology felt hollow. “I just… felt something.”
Azriel’s brow furrowed slightly, but he didn’t push further. He merely nodded, his gaze never leaving mine.
I wasn’t sure what happened next. But I knew, deep down, that this moment, this strange connection with the shadows, was only the beginning of something I couldn’t yet comprehend.
As the night wore on, the shadows stayed with me, their presence never fading, and I realized that no matter how much I tried to escape it, I was bound to this world. To Velaris. To Azriel.
And perhaps, just perhaps, I was meant to be here.
#azriel#azriel fanfic#azriel shadowsinger#azriel acotar#pro azriel#acotar#azriel spymaster#azzie#azriel fanfiction#azriel fluff#azriel fic#azriel x you#azriel x oc
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The gamut of emotions she is experiencing are similar to when she first set out on her field assignment with Roberto. It feels like ages since that day, running into Vash when he’d been hanging upside down, courtesy of bandits, but memorable enough that she can clearly picture every moment from that day with the utmost clarity.
There are…others, as well, that come to mind, but Meryl does her best to focus on the positives.
She barely registers Knives’s warning about bringing a flashlight and with as many spare batteries as she can carry—and the very obvious threat of not wandering off where humans have seldom gone; if they’ve even gone there before.
Her experience being underground, even inside a giant worm, still counts and is not something she wants to repeat. Under any circumstance.
The reality of what they’re about to do makes her halt in her tracks as she composes herself, nearly forgetting the company she is with, and those memories make her snap to when she remembers that long tendril whip made of sharp blades that could have easily turned her into ribbons.
“O-of course! I’ll keep it to myself!”
Not that she has anyone to talk to. The Bernardelli news agency has been feeling a little hostile towards her lately and Meryl is being careful where she treads. There’s been things going on that don’t quite add up—not like they are supposed to, and she’s being careful where she digs.
At the mention of Nicholas’s moniker, Meryl stops in her tracks like she’s been hit with a compulsion to remain frozen in place.
They had said their goodbyes when it was decided that Home would be where they would part ways.
“I…I don’t know where he is, actually. So, there’s really no point.”
Meryl grits her teeth at the slight tremble in her voice—not because she misses the Undertaker—well…that’s not entirely true but she refuses to admit it—but it is more so of the fact that she doesn’t have anyone she can really talk to. Vash can’t be found; Roberto is dead; Nicholas is…well, she doesn’t know where he is and she’s not about to start looking.
However, that doesn’t mean she’s about to let go of him entirely.
“I’ll need about a day to figure out how I’m gonna pack what I need,” she says, relieved that he’s not demanding they depart right away. It would make sense for him to find someone to look after the farm while he’s gone. “Well, I better get started…”
She gives one last look towards Knives, like she’s waiting for him to change his mind; when it’s clear he is not going to, Meryl books it and the first place she goes to is the nearest saloon. Out of breath, she reaches the counter, she procures a piece of paper from her notebook and a pen that can barely write but this may be its last note it will ever write before the ink completely dries out.
Despite the urgency, Meryl is careful to write clearly, and to not give too much information away. If there is one person who should know about her whereabouts, it has to be Nicholas.
To Nicholas,
Travelling far on the other side, with sharp company. Safe and doing okay. Can’t call you, no signal down here. Haven’t stopped looking. Hope you haven’t, either.
-Meryl Stryfe
She signals for the barkeep and hands him the note and gives a description of what Nicholas looks like. If he’s not changed since, she’ll expect he’s still carrying around that giant cross and looking as disheveled as ever.
Before she knows it, she’s meeting Knives back at the designated spot, a pack ready of what she considers essential to bring, and feels more nervous than excited at this point.
“Just promise me there won’t be any need to get swallowed up by a giant worm. I’ve already done that and am not a fan. Not a fan at all.”
"Home won't be much use. I said no one's seen them in a century, didn't I?" And the fleet had, of course, been rather busy trying to save themselves. None of the surviving ships would have had anywhere near the time to grab coordinates for the other falling ships when they barely managed to save themselves. And then they'd had to rebuild and survival was more important than looking for lost ships where none had survived.
"If you want coordinates you're gonna need a bug." That is how Knives knew where they were, after all. He considers, contemplates who would care for the farm if he left it behind. Someone in town, if given instructions... Another moment of thought, before Knives sighs. "We'll leave after I arrange someone to care for the farm." He's put a lot of work into this place, he isn't going to leave it to die without some sort of supervision. "I suggest getting yourself a working flashlight and as many batteries as you can shove into your pack." A mental apology to Zazie, who was definitely going to complain at him, later.
"You will not discuss our travel methods with anyone else." It's not a request, an edge of danger curling around the words in a way that's been absent in their conversations so far. "I won't have your kind invading down there."
If he's honest she's probably going to want to pack for a fairly long trip. The lack of a road beneath the sands means no truck, and Knives is already making a mental map of the tunnels he knows and where each of them may pass towns they can resupply at. The trouble, he figures, is going to be once they pass the invisible boundary of human settlement into the true wilds where no humans have set up camp. There won't be any towns to resupply out there, and they can only carry so much at once...
He glances down at his hands, frowning. How much can he create, if he regulates properly? Would it be worth it when they could find a way to carry more supplies? Perhaps Zazie–but no, he doesn't want to make Zazie play pack bug either. Knives drags a dirty hand through his hair, scowling as he watches the reporter stumble around like a newborn tomas just finding its legs. She looks ridiculous–maybe that's what Vash sees.
"This isn't going to be a short trip so you better say your farewells to Punisher before you go."
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if i'm being entirely honest i find the term "spiritual psychosis" annoying at best. it makes me feel as though i, as someone with schizoaffective disorder, need to work extra hard to "prove" my spiritual beliefs are valid.
here's the thing. my spirituality has always been and will always be flavored and colored by being schizoaffective. even when i was an atheist i could not untangle the two. there's never going to be a way for me to know where the line is drawn between my spiritualism and my psychosis. for example i will probably never shake the idea that i died and was resurrected, and that event holds SIGNIFICANT spiritual meaning for me, even on antipsychotics, even when i can recognize that yes, it's probably the remains of a delusion.
so please tell me, why is it anyone else's business if i incorporate that into my religious practices? it harms no one and gives me one more reason to rejoice. if it started causing actual problems, putting me in danger, causing me distress, bringing along disorganized thinking or anything of the sort, that's when it would be time for me to get help. but really and truly i would not want random people im not close with to tell me to get that help, especially if their only clues into my mental state come from my spiritual practices. i am not a dog to be taken to the vet. sometimes people are psychotic and we exist in your communities and we have religious beliefs and you have GOT to suck it up and allow space for us, however our conditions affect us and our practices.
it's also just. buries my face in my hands. you can just say psychosis, you don't need a special term for it. again it just makes me feel like i'm being singled out and not being taken seriously because there's a long LONG history of psychotic/schizospec people having our mental illnesses used as reason to disregard us. please just mind your business.
#cadaver speaks#mostly prompted by me looking into godspousing after a very interesting experience#and seeing someone basically say most godspouses are experiencing spiritual psychosis#which read more to me as a complaint about how other people practice than actual concern for people's mental health#do i know whether i was visited by dionysus or just have silly silly brain chemicals? NOPE#and it's entirely fucking futile to try to figure it out because you can't prove any gods exist and i'm an unreliable narrator!#so i have to ask myself: what will make me happy?#should i deny myself the joy of worship just because i drew the short straw and got saddled with schizoaffective?#or should i say fuck it and do what will make me happy?#i want to live! i beg to live!! i am wrenching the fullness of my feeble human life from nonpsychotics' hands!!!#obligatory disclaimer that if you're psychotic/schizospec and you find the term spiritual psychosis useful that's fine#anyway. society will not be free until the lunatics are free from our chains and shackles. or something#mad pride#schizophrenia#schizoaffective#actually schizophrenic#actually schizoaffective#actually schizospec#spirituality#paganism#witchcraft#mental health#if anyone willfully misinterprets what i'm saying you owe me one thousand usd#if it doesn't make sense reread the post or move on. good Bye
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How do you feel about the increase in really weird NSFW ads on here (advertising panels that look like sexual encounters, and AI art apps that pride themselves on porn) but will take down NSFW posts from their users, even if it isn't technically sexual.
i hate all social media and it's consistent prioritising the advertisers over the users and the internet simply was a better place before capitalism sunk its hooks into it
#i could write essays about how capitalism ruined the internet.#i was actually talking to someone earlier today about how youtube was kind of effectively ruined by monetisation.#and they were raised in the soviet union and we had a bit of a talk about how art was better because it wasn't for profit.#the people who made art made it because they wanted to do it and because they loved it.#she said that communism was terrible for every aspect of life for her. people's lives under communism wasn't pretty.#but the art was better. and i feel like it's true for the internet – it was better when it was a free-for-all.#the companies didn't know how to exploit it yet and turn it into a neverending profit-driven hellscape.#people created content because they wanted to. because they wanted to make something silly to make people laugh.#not for profit. not for gain. not for numbers. not to further their career.#i miss the days of newgrounds and youtube before monetisation.#capitalism has soiled everything that's joyful and good in this world.#people should be able to share whatever they want.#people should be able to tell any story they want without the fear of being silenced by advertisers.#that's what made the internet so beautiful before. anyone could do anything and we all had equal footing.#but now we're victims of the algorithm. and it makes me sick.#i'm quitting my job in social media. i'm quitting it. it makes me too depressed. i have an existential crisis every freaking day.#every day i wake up and say "ah. this is the fucking hell we live in#i'm so sorry i feel so passionate about this.#social media is a black hole and it is actively destroying humanity. forget ai. social media is what's doing it.#i miss how beautiful the internet used to be. it should've been a tool for good. but it's corrupt and evil now.#sci speaks
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#i’m putting this down here because i don’t actually really want to talk about it or answer asks about it but i’m like a little annoyed lmao#first of all obviously people should have boundaries and not be annoying/invasive/etc. duh.#i have been around the rpf block many a time and rule 1 is don’t be a weirdo. don't let it out of fandom spaces :)#but yeah idk. oliver stark to me feels like someone who is actually very familiar with the mechanics of fandom warfare#and therefore does not know how to log off when it starts to get personal#like to be clear i definitely do not think he engages directly with This fandom other than to lurk and spy on people for fun/haterism#but in MY opinion he has the energy of a person who spends a nonzero amount of time engaged in petty anonymous beef#over a character or a ship or a sport or a new brand of tofu. idk i don’t really care what he’s into#but it does sort of seem like he forgets that when he’s doing it on his real socials with his real face and real name attached#people are going to know that it’s him and respond accordingly and he should just like. block them and move on.#and maybe even go back to his burner and vague about it or something if he truly cannot just walk away.#which he does seem to be sort of getting slightly better at but it's still just like. yeah man! i don't know what to tell you.#people are weird sometimes. we all get weird anons and dm’s and people cyberbullying us. it sucks and it shouldn't happen but it does.#and you do literally just have to find ways to make it easier to ignore them. i know that you know this#because you are a human who grew up on the same exact internet as the rest of us.#i say; as i feel compelled to post about a tiny situation from like 12 hours ago that has literally nothing to do with me#anyway!!!!!!!#i went into the settings to turn off reblogs and thought how funny would it be if i blazed this post lmao
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Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!
You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!
You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!
You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!
Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!
Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!
So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.
Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!
You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.
Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!
Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.
Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.
Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*
Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...
Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.
Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.
Better not get confident.
Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)
Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people
- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties
- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations
- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you
- you might start loving the effect you have on a room
- you might enjoy conversations more
- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently
- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations
- you might stop apologizing so much.
- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.
Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!
Why, it would be carnage!!
In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!
If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:
- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.
- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.
- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.
- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.
You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.
So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.
#social skills#i have a few posts now in my ' social skills' tag#original#maybe eventually I will compile them and polish them in some meaningful way. I know what I want to call the book title#in big text it'll say 'I'M AUTISTIC' and then beneath that in smaller text 'And I Have Better Social Skills Than You'#or something to that effect. and the cover of the book will be me making an exaggerated smug face like the little rascal I am#challenging the viewer to pick up the book and see if they can prove me wrong.#and then the entire first section of the book is about how actually the issue with our society's social skills is the harsh judgment#for people who have trouble communicating and not the other way around. I don't actually think I'm the#most charismatic person in the world by a very long shot. but i do know that I have put more thought into my social skills than#most allistic people and frankly i have surpassed most of them. not because i am more persuasive or smooth or funny#(tho i am persuasive and funny lol) but bc i have questioned which social functions are more restriction than utility.#and instead i have focused my energy on actively learning how to make people feel safe. i feel social rules would benefit all people by#being a little more autistic tyvm. i don't think every person should dedicate themselves to being better at communicating#i think people should dedicate themselves to being kind and patient to everyone regardless of their ability to communicate#I think our society wrongly links communication ability to intelligence and intelligence to level of humanity.#when in fact all three of those things are fucking unrelated and connecting them inevitably leads to#really fucked up views on disabled people that hurt us. and then with that aspect of the book firmly understood and established I would#go on to recommend some ways to make socializing easier and more fulfilling (and less shameful and terrifying) for all kinds of people#it wouldn't be a book about Leaning In To Succeed in Business or 'here's how to avoid being the awkward loner at a party'#it'd be a book about how if you see someone alone at a party here's how to invite them to join your group without pressuring them#stuff like 'hot tip! if someone takes a while to type or speak a full sentence - talking over them b4 they can finish makes u an asshole!'#I know that a lot of people cannot or don't want to dump a lot of skill points into socializing like i did and they shouldn't have to in#order to experience basic dignity and respect. if we treat people like that then we just validate that people - especially#autistic children and elders and disabled people of manu varieties - have to suffer unless they learn all these arbitrary bullshit rules#and a lot of them are arbitrary bullshit! one of the reasons I throw people off so much is because I harmlessly break a lot of social rules#but I know I'm doing it and I'm not ashamed and people just don't know what to do with that! but a lot of them like it actually!!#i think it's a relief to be around someone so openly and unrelentingly weird bc what am I gonna do? judge you for being weird??#I only care if you're kind. not necessarily 'nice' or passive. Kind. Brave enough to care about people being treated well. Kind.#also I recognize that at least some of my ability to be openly weird is white privilege so that's important to acknowledge too
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