#of myself. just like. my own person.
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i know its normal to like. tell your parents that you're moving and got a new job but why do i feel like i have to ask permission to fucking. apply for jobs outside of michigan
#shay speaks#sry i am. thinking about how i felt like i was asking permission to accept the job in colorado that i took#in my hashtag rebellious era by just taking seasonal work wherever#and doing my own thing. im hoping with some distance between my parents and me i'll actually be able to find something#of myself. just like. my own person.#i dont want to be an extension of my parents!!!! i dont want to do what they want for me!!!#but i feel like whenever i want to do something big i have to ask permission#which is why i havent told them about any of my adventures this summer#where i went to various lighthouses and such. fr some reason i just. feel like i have to ask them for permission to do anything#even though i am 23.#saying that as if they didnt force me to go to church while i was living at home with them last winter#but at the same time i do not want a '''''normal''''' job where i'm working at an office from 9-5#i dont think i'd like that very much. as much as i love the people from the museum i interned at#i realized i did not want to do office work or paperwork or anything like that#i like interacting with people and the fast paced kitchen environments#sighs. i probably need therapy but will not be getting it any time soon
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr#warm up#idk . having trouble writing rn#ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum#i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for#i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography#like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days#furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will#actually ever happen#ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum
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edit (10/23/2024) now that the poll is over: Original version, with 10 questions, from April 2023 here
And, given that the original is from April 2023, that means I can very easily say:
No, this was not an ISAT reference!
Just because I use parentheses and 2nd person pov and love the same concepts of what a time loop can do to a person doesn't mean it's ISAT
(Yes, I like ISAT, the original poll is why I was recommended the game! But if you look at the original, you can see all the origins of the options to choose from, including what spurred me on with the moss option from the replies)
If I were going to make something for ISAT, I would never be so vague, you can simply look at my ao3 for proof of that
#egg speaks#writing#polls#my writing#egg writes#my polls#poetry#time loops#listen I want to run this again#time loop poll#<- check that tag on my blog for the original 10 option version lmao#unreality#you know I didn't think I'd get fed up with people making isat jokes about this#I thought it'd be like oh hey neat same hat#we both like the same game#but people keep going “oh this is JUST an ISAT reference”#as if it's not a genuine work of creativity I did myself. it feels a bit devaluing#“op you played isat” yes but that came after the original!!!!!#I KNOW it's not meant like that but I want people to engage in my work as its own thing. you can make jokes about similar media!!!#but this is it's own thing!!!!#I want people to like it for what it is. I want people to enjoy it outside of other media. I want it to stand on its own#I'm flattered someone said it was good enough that they think it could be narration from the game and read just as well!!!!#but like. idk. all the other medias popping up (pmmm. orv. higurashi. etc) aren't people calling it a /reference/#if I wanted it to be an ISAT reference I would have tagged it originally. I would have targeted it toward ISAT fans more intentionally.#I love fanworks but this was an ode to time loops alone. I wanted people to think. to have to CHOOSE. I wanted PARTICIPATION#time loops as a narrative and as horror and as a group activity via polls on tumblr. also s/o to the person who said 40 hr work week so tru
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Some notes (aka yapping) on why these two look the way they do in standverse, enjoy
#jjba#standverse#gold experience#ger#stand design#gold experience requiem#design notes#fandmade design#redesign#note these arent supposed to be redesigns like im 'fixing' the og or smthn this is just me adding my own personal flair or making them easi#r to draw for myself
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Basically, my philosophy around disability fakers is: I would rather a thousand people fake a disability than have one disabled person suffer without care, aids, compassion, or any help.
#disability#disability advocacy#and there's a difference not many people seem to recognize between faking and realizing you don't have [x] problem...#...such as realizing you don't have [x] disorder because it is instead [y] disorder...#...or you haven't completely understood your care needs/your symptoms/what helps you...#...and some people see ANY change in your understanding of your disability as proof of maliciously faking...#...when i suppose in my personal experience people don't *maliciously* fake disability...#...i'm not saying it could never happen but that i don't think it's the *only* thing motivating people called fakers#i just think (like most everything) this is complex and nuanced because it's a *human* experience#like for me personally i /know/ i still have a lot to learn about my disabilities...#...like... i realized recently that my hands shouldn't be in AGONY when warm water is ran over them when it's SLIGHTLY cold inside or out...#...and i realized that i likely have a Noticable limb difference that needs checking out. does this sound like i'm faking...#...or that maybe i just didn't really explore my own needs and body because of a variety of factors?#i can assure you it is because i haven't really thought before about how i deserved to understand how to best help myself
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I wish some aces would stop excluding other aces with complex sexual experiences. like I get why but you have to realize that being ace does not mean they don't enjoy sexual experiences and it's weird when you complain about allo people and boil it down to "people who have sexual experiences" and also shame people for their sex life and kinks as if your own community doesnt INCLUDE those people. because there are other aces out there who still masturbate, who feel sexually attracted to their own body, who barely experiences sexual attraction but still enjoys sex, who like consuming sexual media, who like sfw kink. being ace is so so much more complex than just "disliking sex". and also aromantic exclusionism in the same genre of posts is something i see a lot. especially aro allos. I hate hate hate seeing a community that SHOULD be inclusive boil down sexuality and exclude people.
#okay to reblog#if you reblog this post to argue or whatever though im killing you this is about my personal queer experiences not a discourse post#feel free to add your own experiences if youre aceflux demisexual whatever. i love you guys.#rambling#rant#messy writing sorry#but as an aroace myself i just felt like i had to get it out i guess#i always feel like im not ace enough but im not allo enough to be either#aroace#arospec#aromantic#asexual#acespec#ace#aceflux#aroflux#demiromantic#demisexual#lbgtqia#lbgtq#queer#text post#vent#queer community
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i don’t like certain ships with my f/os not because they’re problematic or anything but because i am a hater and they’re supposed to be with ME. hope that helps <3
#i let myself be a hater as a treat#OF COURSE don’t harass anyone that do like the ships- i just silently fume and complain about it on my own personal blog lmao#self ship#self ship community#self shipping#selfship#f/o community#self insert#f/o#selfshipping#romantic f/o#fictional other#selfshipper#self shipper#selfship meme#self ship meme#romantic fictional other#self insert x canon
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On average, what is the total MONTHLY amount that you spend on dining out*?
*(This doesn't only count going out to restaurants, but also stuff like picking up fast food to bring home, getting a coffee on the way to work, getting a premade sandwich from a grocery store deli during lunch, buying a quick snack from a convenience store or food cart whilst walking somewhere, ordering a pizza or any other food to be delivered to your home, etc.)
*(If you often dine out in groups/as a household: calculate and divide the costs so that you get a Per Person average. This is for YOU individually, NOT the total household/group costs)
(I'm sure polls similar to this have been made before (very common topic), I just haven't personally seen one that I can remember, so, I was curious to do my own! I was discussing this with a group of people today and it was very interesting to see how widely the number varied between individuals. :0c )
(Reblog for bigger sample size if you can, and feel free to explain your answer in tags if there's anything extra to add!)
#polls#tumblr polls#I'm mostly in the 0/1 - 25$ category. Maybe the rare month is a bit over $25 if there's something specific going on like birthday.#Which I'm NEVER eating in an actual restaurant (erm... covid... plus I just hate restaurant environments. i would rather pickup#the food and bring it home to a peaceful quiet environment that I control lol). But more typically like stopping by a grocery store deli#section or something. I don't have coffee that much. And I can't eat fast food much due to my health issues/diet restriction stuff#so if I'm out like coming back from an appointment and I start feeling really sick and weak. I know that a hamburger will just#blow up my system and cause nausea or something. So I try to pick the breadiest most#neutral looking turkey sandwich at the safeway deli to eat during the hour ride home or whatever lol#I actually kind of wish I could do stuff like get food more often vecause it would take the burden of cooking everything off of me#but.. alas... Money... and Health Things... T o T#I still wouldn't do it ALL the time but like... once a week instead of once a month or something.. or maybe turning into a coffee#person.. I do love drinks A LOT .. i am a drink person who will have 5 different drinks sipping on at all times#But i just have to make them all myself mostly lol#And I cant really have too much coffee since it will make me sick. so like.. teas and juice mostly#When I inevitably become a millionaire by never using social media never networking and only finishing one#sculpture every 5 months which I dont even post about or sell - then I shall... get more drinks..#I will somehow wean my body onto coffee and drink one a day solely for the ritual of it#Though even then... I would still probably just like.. buy the mateirals to make it at home or something#Like if you had a million dollars you could just buy a kitchen grade ice cream machine and other stuff to make your own milkshakes and#coffees and smoothies and bubble teas. Genuinely I think even if I were a BILLIONAIRE I would still look at playing likr $8 for a single#coffee and go .. uh.... I could just buy the equipment to make this and then save that money. PLUS. its in my house now so no need to#have to leave. I can make my own drinks in the comfort of home. .. ideal..#Like no matter how rich I ever got I would still have the lingering scroogey stinginess. like i am NOT paying for that. I will jus#make it myself. Especially if it was an Everyday thing. Anythign thats part of my routine I try to optimize and make as efficient as#possible... ANYWAY.. In an IDEAL world I would get treats. but probably not that much. as on a daily basis it would start to get#to me and I would just save up to buy kitchen machinery if I was rich lol
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So i remember an ask mentioning your mortal enemy, Felis Atra and their cats, and i thought it'd be fun to draw what Felis Atra's version of your italian dogs would be.
I think they would be called Butter Knife and Flamengo! Butter Knife is not his real name, it's an nickname given by his peers because of how harmless he is. I choose Flamengo because that's the name of Vasco's rival football team here in Brazil, so i thought that was the perfect name :)
Cat Machete was slightly inspired by the Oriental Shorthair cat because of their long noses and thin head shape.
Cat Vasco was inspired by the Scottish Fold cat, because FLOPPY EARS. I gave Flamengo longer ears and orange fur to make him more like his look-alike.
The last doodle is a reference to this ask (https://canisalbus.tumblr.com/post/728923918314946560/me-i-am-machete-ear-fan-number-1-those-ears) and contains the tumblr ask stand-in dog, whose cat version was inspired by the American Curl cat! They have round ears that are slightly floppy outwards.
Final notes: I know cardinal clothes don't come in vibrant blue, but i was ADAMANT on switching Machete's and Vasco's clothing color patterns. I would draw the rest of Butter Knife's and Flamengo's clothes, but i suck at designing cool outfits.
Speaking of outfits, for Machete's iconic void outfit, i figured it would be fun to make it more baggy for Butter Knife, in contrast to Machete's, that looks very tight-fitted. I think it's cute, it kinda looks like a sweater. Also i can't imagine a Machete doppelganger without high heels boots, so those HAD to stay.
Oh, and just to be clear, i'm not like, claiming ownership of these guys or anything. I just thought it would be a fun exercise. Hope you like them!! I love your art and your characters.
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#imagine if Vaschete but CATS and REVERSED -> Butter knife ;_; and Flamengo <3#this ask is from last year and I'm sorry I've allowed it sit in my inbox for so long ´m`#but I've been thinking about it intermittedly#the context was that someone said that somewhere out there existed my mortal enemy (felis atra = black/dark cat)#and they had frenzied cat ocs instead of melancholic dogs#first of all they both look so darling I'm getting radiation poisoning just from looking at them aaaaaa#and the fact you put so much thought and effort into this concept is making me go absolutely rabid#extremely strange seeing Machete with big pupils and Vasco with tiny pinpoints#Butter knife purring like a fluffy jackhammer is instant serotonin I love him#and yes if you turned Machete to a cat he'd probably be something resembling an oriental shorthair#especially one of those really exaggerated ones with giant bat ears and roman nose#and I keep visualizing Vasco as a scottish fold as well but it's kind of giving me sad bad feels personally#I can't look past their painful and debilitating health issues#the same mutation that causes the floppy ears also destroys the cartilage in their joints#it's such a shame because they're a terribly cute and charming breed#and in this case they really do have those similar rounded friendly shapes that Vasco does#if I ever draw them as cats myself I'll probably have to think of some other breed for him even though it would be such a perfect fit#also I think it's funny how you can swap everything else but Machete's heels have to stay :'> don't separate the crinkle and his boots#thank you so much! this was such a cool ask to receive I love how you designed their cat forms#gift art#dingergum#Machete#Vasco#own characters#Vaschete scenarios
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one of those nights
#small vent#lately I’ve been questioning things a lot#and this overwhelming feeling of being lonely takes over#and I question myself and my feelings and thoughts on certain things#sometimes i end up thinking im a bad person#the guilt i feel because I don’t do ship art gets overwhelming sometimes#and i end up feeling like an asshole because of it#but I genuinely just can’t (at least not for the gf fandom)#family and platonic moments are just way too important to me#which might explain a small desire wanting to have that but unable to#maybe it’s the aroaceness in me idk#it just gets really lonely sometimes in your own corner#i’m sorry#I know things like this can be annoying but I needed to vent#some more light-hearted things hopefully soon#delete later
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what remnant does to a mf
#fnaf#michael afton#me doods#look away people! this one's just for me and myself only#(despite maintagging yes i know but its for organization purposes) anyways#i am a big fan of remnant mutating the shit out of a person#pair that w michael's unique death and continued exposure to the spirits it ends up doing pretty fucked up stuff lol#post scoop michael looks like a purple titan 💀#i'm literally just making fun of my own design atp lmaooo#whatever's the opposite of same face syndrome i have that w michael#just recently added the bolts to the jaw and i love it sm i'm keeping it#post scoop michael is 6'7 so i just want yall to imagine this absolute unit of a cryptid losing his mind managing the pizzeria#he's out there sobbing shitting rolling on the floor trying to mute the fucking ads absolutely flooding his monitors#i drew what his neck looks like but its usually covered in bandages or a turtleneck#you do not want to see what's under his shirt btw. its a whole circus in there AHAHAHAHAHA
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A year ago I was thinking maybe I'd try to create more original content in a vain attempt to help pay for the various health supports I'm slowly starting to need.
I didn't really get too far into planning what I'd do exactly before a bunch of crap happened and I ended up doing nothing.
But I did create a mascot character for my "brand" (I guess you'd call it) before things fell apart. I had a few cool artists work on a few different versions of my original design before I ran out of cash, but out of the blue the other day I remembered she existed and that I'd never shared her with the blog.
She doesn't have a name (feel free to come up with one) but she's kind of a mix of everything I love about the magical girl visuals from Iczer Girl Iczelion, Ginga Ojousama Densetsu Yuna, Chou Kousoku GranDoll & Akihabara Dennou Gumi. Y'know, with an even more obnoxious faux retro colour scheme because of who I am as a person.
I've thought about using her as my icon here and completing the "rebrand" I suppose you'd call it, but I can't seem to bring myself to change my Hiwatari Saki illustration icon for now.
In saying that though, I didn't want my magical robo girl to go completely unseen after I spent all that time creating her so here she is, hope you like her.
#personal#i would say 'maybe i'll still do this!'#but i'm straight-up middle-aged now so i can't see myself pulling it off tbh#i'm not sure how i'll figure out my medical costs over the next few years#but i'll work something out i'm sure#this is really just me wanting to show off my cute little OC before i forget her again#feel free to doodle your own version of her if you like#just tag me if you do i'd love to see#she makes me smile so maybe she'll make you smile too :)
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feeds your narilamb yuri juice
dude i have great news about my regular narilamb
#theyre both so genderweird that if you put a lesbien flag behind them theyre lesbiens and if u put a gay one then theyre gay#cult of the lamb#cotl#narilamb#ask#my art#i swear i swear im 100 percent genuine when i say this isnt at anyone or vaguing and i love all the fem designs i see theyre so pretty#but giving them dresses and bigger hair and saying theyre girls now gives me bad gender vibes for myself and i cant bring myself to#i dont like the harsh divide between gender and i try to avoid it for my own stuff if i can cause i dont prefer it#again everyone has their own interpretation and i swear i dont dislike it for other peoples but for my personal interpretation-#-i just dont like the vibes of Theyre Girls Now bc i didnt hc narinder as really a man before and lamb is lamb yk?
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the candle.
a comic about rediscovering passion and recovering from burnout.
creative notes:
#this comic ended up feeling so much more somber than i think i originally intended#i hope the conclusion at the end comes off more settled and happy than it does reluctant or disappointed#since i do feel that way. happy that is#its a cliche but returning to your inner child#just making stuff that YOU'D like to see more of#it does wonders for making you feel less like being a creator means giving away parts of yourself#im sorry if this is coming off as preachy#obviously you can do what you like#and im not ever gonna be the wisest person in the room#im barely into my 20s#but i spent almost a year torturing myself over what i wanted to be#deciding to just...do what i thought would be cool ended up being the best possible decision#its 10pm#this series makes me really marinate in my own issues#very pretentious but at this point its my brand#comic art#stillindigo art#stillindigo comics
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I hate when people offer up chatgpt to me as a solution, I would rather crawl into the depths of hell to find a proper source than ever use that devil technology(I am beginning to sound like a 19th century luddite)(I am not ashamed of this)
#I AM CAPABLE OF LOOKING UP ACADEMIC PAPERS I DONT NEED THIS THING TO REGURGITATE IT TO ME#i am constantly deep in the depths of academic research for my own desires#like bro the amount of hyper specific historical papers ive found just for like. personal enjoyment#so i dont suddenly need this tech to do something for me im already fully capable of doing myself#why would i infantalize myself like that?#i suddenly cant do something people have been doing already years on end?#catie.rambling.txt
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it just occurred to me that some of you might have missed seeing american football player joe burrow’s suit this past june during paris fashion week, and it is my personal opinion that everyone see these images at least once in their lifetime, especially those of us with a shared interest in slutty clothes on men (fictional or otherwise). so here they are.
#not to assume!! i’m sure there are some tumblrinas into sports like myself who have seen these#but i’m just covering my bases here playing it safe#the perfect suit for a fictional character of your choice!!!#will this mean anything to anyone who isn’t me? not sure#i gasped when i first saw these images#number one bc i was like joe burrow is at fashion week? as i do like american football and was not expecting this move from him#and number two bc oh my GOD his BACK#sluttiest suit i’ve ever fucking seen#immediately i jotted it down in my head for later#i said i have so many fictional men i can put this on#anyways it was really groundbreaking for me#it might be in my head bc i like joe burrow personally but i hope this is life changing for u all as well#idk what to tag this??#just fictional men i think it would look good on i guess#and why not i’ll tag joe burrow bc i know there ARE joe burrow fans on this app just maybe not running in the circles i’m in#joe burrow#sam winchester#dean winchester#anakin skywalker#will graham#obi wan kenobi#obi-wan kenobi#bruce wayne#sorry bruce wayne was random lmao#idk everyone just tag hot ur own hot men#my post
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