#of course one thing i'm still always missing is going to bed lol. I WROTE THIS AND NOW ITS SO LATE

[cornflowershade]

@lost-my-sanity1

no flawless catch-all solutions BUT there are some things that can actually really help, at least in my experience (not that i don't still struggle with getting things done, but it has gotten markedly better in the past year or two with some adjusting of tricks and a lot of practice). These are obviously coming from the context of how my own life is structured, but that's obviously all I can speak from!

1) lists. I think mostttt people with adhd find lists to be extremely helpful. That said, find the way that lists work best for you. Personally, i like to make certain lists in the notes app on my phone. Because I know i'll check the time on there first thing in the morning. (However, if looking at your phone first thing would throw off your day, then I might suggest having your list in a notebook instead and keeping the phone out of immediate reach. Like, if I'm doing a Task that doesn't require my phone you can bet it will be somewhere I can't see it.) I make the list and leave it open the night before, so that it's the first thing i see when i unlock my phone in the morning. I especially like to do this for morning routines, which can really set the tone for the day going forward. I've found that starting the day with exercise is really helpful (i know i know. but for real, it gets your brain moving and gets the dopamine going—you know, that dopamine that our brains produce less of and are always seeking. And it can definitely generate some energy even if I wake up feeling dead)—and the morning lists have helped me be more consistent with that habit too. (But again, find the thing you like. For me it's hulahooping to music haha.) For morning lists specifically, I recently heard some advice that has completelyyyy changed the game for me and that is having more than ONE. I have three. One I call the Full Morning List, one the Shorter Morning List, and the other the Hurry Scurry Morning List xD It takes the decision-making out of what to do or what to skip depending on how much time I have. After some initial trial, each list has been marked with the latest time I can start it. If it's past that time I know to use a different list.

It helps keep me from hitting the "oh no I failed at my list and have been thrown off and my habits are ruined and my day is meaningless" wall. Whatever is being "skipped" or shortened or done differently based on your schedule or when you wake up is predetermined by you (wow, now i'm ready for work on time AND didn't skip washing my face no matter what? amazing, 10/10. because none of my lists skip THAT STEP in order to be faster, because I made sure of that when writing them) and there is still the satisfaction of having gotten a list DONE. (I also fill my morning lists with cute emojis and write them out with sweet little ways of phrasing things. Like yes I WILL start my list with "good morning darling ☺️💕" and follow it with "stretch to greet the day :D" or "take iron <33" because that just makes it feel cozy and motivational or like someone is looking out for me lmao. Again, whatever works and makes the day feel like it's starting off on good footing.)

2) get important things done first thing. Start it before giving yourself a moment to question it. Of course that won't always happen, but that's ok. Other times, regardless of when you start, plan on just doing a little. On certain days, a little will turn into a lot! Even if that doesn't happen, it will at least chip away at something that needs to get done, little by little. An extreme example of this is actually how I dealt with homework in high school... I struggled SO BAD with overdue work. The program I was in (very different from the usual, I know) was extremely self-driven with its schedule and also allowed you to work into the summer if needed. As you might imagine, this was freakin horrible for me. So yeah, I spent most of high school not having summer breaks because i was trying to catch up on all my assignments. (Awful. Not a fun time. I was very miserable. Would not revisit this time if you paid me.) It didn't help that I was disinterested in most of the work either, or that the teachers offered like zero support. I remember that finally, senior year, my mom told me— "you don't need to try and finish anything. Just work for an hour a day. And then you can be done." I was skeptical of this idea at first, because there was so much to do. So many assignments to actually complete. But then I tried it. And it literally worked. Only an hour. Every day. Week by week. And it WORKED. I was free to do whatever I wanted after that hour, and during the hour I GOT THINGS DONE. Even if it wasn't a ton of work, I was actually doing it and consistently, and suddenly my assignments were actually getting finished. I was less stressed and MORE productive and suddenly felt like I had so much more time?? And then wow, when I got to college, the time management practices that which did work for me (and believe me I tried so many failed methods along the way. so many forms of list keeping until I found what worked) meant I was the kid in class who was actually submitting things on time on a regular basis. And I was so proud of myself. (Worth noting that in college the deadlines were weekly whereas again, in high school the due-dates essentially meant nothing. In a sense, the real 'deadline' was the beginning of the next school year. Which I point out to say this: it is important to break things into smaller pieces!! manageable! chunks!!! make it manageable!)

3) make things fun for yourself wherever you can. tailor them to your interests or find ways to make them spark some joy. For me this usually involves playing music. I have playlists devoted to certain "vibes". For example, there's a list on spotify called Ghibli Summer that I found, and I love listening to it while I clean. It makes me feel like a little main character sprucing up her cottage in the woods. Sometimes I dress the part too! I used to not be able to function when it was raining (with sun came inspiration and energy) but the playlist thing helped overcome that when I literally never thought it was something I could get myself around. I only thought of it last year and the music thing is sooooo good.

4) follow your list as a guide! to remind you what's next because yeah, distractions happen otherwise. If you get really into your list then go with it and let hyperfocus do its thing, but otherwise allow breaks!! And again, if you can make those breaks something you love, GOOD. (Especially if they won't exponentially eat up time or you have a way to mark the ends.) I LOVE to cook so sometimes a break might involve taking the time to, i don't know, make fried rice or something and enjoy every part of the process. It's so meditative and deeply fulfilling imo? Idk, something about creating something yummy (i adore food ok) and chopping things and the smells and the hands-on aspect and the colors... Or maybe my break would be watching a new episode of a show that has finally aired! (Did that just tonight to recharge after work before ironing something for my sister.) Or going on tumblr for a while, or doing a craft, etc etc. The framing of this can be super important, too. Again, whatever works best for you. Personally, I like to think of it as my day having a flow, where I recharge for whatever is next and take time to enjoy the pieces of it as best I can. Like, it's about taking care of myself and whether its a list item or not its just as important. (Rather than thinking of it as like, "I have tasks and am taking breaks in between before getting back to The Tasks." That's just depressing imo. So, I don't really think of the breaks as. Being breaks. If that makes sense? It's more like... a point along a circle that fills my cup and keeps me rotating in a healthy way? idk lol. gonna stop attempting metaphors now) EDIT: didn’t mention yesterday but I think this is an important aspect. Whatever I do next isn’t just any like, random fun thing—it’s about tuning in to yourself and feeling what you need emotionally or physically rn. Sometimes what I do isn’t even a “fun thing” but is like. A well-placed shower. It’s about self care as much as joyful practices!

5) be gentle with yourself. I really can't overstate this. ignoring this point just ends with more stress. sometimes it feels like you're just trying everything and nothing works, or feels like you just can't keep up with anything ever. I feel this sentiment often, but.... don't blame yourself. And don't consider all progress ruined because of it. Keep going, trying your best, I promise that is valuable and even the smallest growth or achievement is something worthy of celebration. Like yeah, I celebrate doing the literal smallest things. Because that makes me happy. That inspires me to do more things. Allowing yourself to be proud of yourself can be so important honestly. But yeah: some days, a certain item will not get done. Sometimes you're not feeling a certain task, but maybe you're feeling another one— in which case, swap it out!! Go with the inspiration!! (This is how I finally ended up hand washing the pile of clothes that had been sitting in my room for. Dare I say it? Well. Many months.) Other times you just need a break day, and honestly, if need that and you can then just take it. Take the break. Lastly, sometimes not everything on a list will get done and it will get moved to tomorrow. Or the day after. It happens. Let's be real, it happens to everyone.

.

Last thing I wanna add is that... deadlines can still be helpful. But the thing is. Like any tactic, you have to use them right and with proper supporting tactics. Use them only as far as they are truly helpful, and obviously not to a self-detrimental extent. For me, I have never found that it's the stress of a deadline that really helps—quite the opposite, stress makes it harder for me to function—but rather the organization of a deadline. (Well, that and the fact that someone besides myself was keeping me accountable lol.) It was also the fact that it tells my brain "oh, yeah that thing should happen now." Whereas otherwise my brain is like "yeah we have time" and then proceeds to have a very strange idea of how time works. Taking note of things like that—why a method works—is so important! It can give you ideas about what else can be helpful and might be worth a try :)

There's a bunch of adhd advice out there that's like "people with adhd tend to work better under deadlines due to the anxiety so here are ways to artificially induce a stress response in order to get you to get work done" and it's like well what if I don't want to be stressed out all the time in order to function

[wosofics00]

Sister 3

russo!reader x leah williamson

Part 2: https://www.tumblr.com/wosofics00/760182724624564224/sister?source=share

No warnings

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Authors note: this is just something i wrote quickly to continue the story. Sorry for disappearing so long lol hope you enjoy, even though im not really happy with this...hopefully the next chapter will be better😂

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"Oh y/n...im so sorry about that" alessia answers softly, knowing that this is not the moment to scold her. Obviously you didn't tell alessia who your mysterious lover was but you basically told her everything else. You two have always been very close and she has always been the first person you would talk to about your problems. So she knew about the women you had a casual agreement with, and she knew how you started to slowly fall in love with that woman. Alessia was pretty honest with you and told you on several occasions that being casual with someone will never end good, but obviously you decided to not listen to her.

"You must think that im the stupidest person alive" you sniffle, knowing that you should have listened to your older sister. "Of course not y/n...i'm here for you dont you worry about that. Where are you right now?" She asks concerned. "Um just in front of the hotel..." you answer, still sniffling once in a while. "Get in a cab, i want you to be safe at home" less decides and talks with you all the way until you're at home, laying in bed. You told her about the reason she ended the relationship, if you could call it that, and how deeply in love you really were with the woman. It was only then, during the talk with alessia, that you realised how dependent you were on leah. And how lost you were going to be without her.

The following weeks were hard. Even with leah still in your life you have been unhappy in rome, hating your job more and more, missing your family and longing for something to change. Losing leah only made it worse. Alessia started to notice the way you were slowly losing yourself. You stopped going to the gym, were behind at work, your appartement was getting messier and basically everything was slowly starting to fall apart. About two months after things have ended between you and leah, alessia visited you in rome, hoping to be able to cheer you up. But when she realised how shitty your situation really was she decided to spesk up.

"Y/n you have to change something" less finally says, contemplating what to tell you for two whole days, finally having the guts to talk to you about whats been going on while you two were sitting on your couch eating pizza "hm?" You frown at her, not quite sensing what alessia means by that. "Im sorry to be the one to tell you that but you are a mess! I mean have you seen your appartement? You dont even follow any of your hobbies anymore...when was the last time you painted? Or went to the gym?" She asks seriously and your eyes goe wide when you realise what shes on about. "Less thats my life stay out of it" you grumble, always stubborn to admit something was going wrong. "No dont come at me like that, youre my sister which makes this my life too. Please listen to me when i tell you you need to change something" she stays strong but you grow more frustrated by that. "Yeah well thanks for telling me that but its not easy you know? Im sorry that i cant have the same perfect life you have" you get a bit louder, annoyed by less being right about what shes saying. "Dont you dare feel pity for yourself y/n. You make your own life choices, why dont you try to work on whats going wrong right now?" Less adds, trying to calm you down a bit at the end, sensing the tension radiating from you. You just look at her distressed for a few seconds before you sigh and apparently admit defeat.

Less has always had that effect on you to break your shell with just a few words. "I dont know how" you say quietly and less sighs while taking your hand into her own. "I just miss her..." you add, even more quietly. Less strokes your hand a bit before pulling you into a hug. You stay like that for a few seconds before she slowly pulls away. "Come back to england" alessia states after a few seconds which takes you a bit by surprise. "We miss you...and you can restart there, forget rome and the last few months here." She reasons and you fumble with your fingers, thinking about her words. After a few moments you sigh and lean against her a bit, not wanting to leave the comfort of alessias hug. "I just feel like if i would come home again that i...failed." you answer. "Y/n...you came here to complete uni and thats what you did with amazing results. You managed to get a good job in a completely foreign country, i always admired you for being so brave to move here. So dont tell me going to rome was a fail if you come back...it was a good time that just needs to end now to make place for new amazing things" she reasons and you listen carefully. Its not like the thought of going back has never crossed your mind, you were longing to move into your home country again for a long time now. So eventually you give alessia all she could ask for right now, a simple "i'll think about it".

----

The decision wasnt easy, and you changed your mind about a hundred times, but in the end the day came where you quit your job and prepared yourself for moving back to england. Alessia was head over heels when she heard you were coming to london as well, immediately rambling on about what you two would get up to in the city. There was just a little thing she was upset about. Not the fact your new job as a sports physio was in north london as well, but that it was at the worst club in london according to her, aka tottenham.

"Whyyyy do you have to go to them? I could get you a job at arsenal, we always need physios!" Less whines about it for the 100th time. By now you just roll your eyes and chuckle at her, not even giving into discuasing this again. You obviously couldnt tell her that the reason behind it was the fact that one of her teammates was the whole reason for your life crisis, so you just told less it wouldnt be professional. But eventually the day you've been dreading approached, the north london derby. Still you could have never in your wildest imagination predict how that day would go.

The first time you spotted leah your heart basically stopped, and you are sure it really did for a second when she spotted you as well. She approached you nervously and your heart was beating out of your chest.

"Ive heard you moved back here...unfortunately to the wrong club, but i hope you are doing good" leah smiles at you and then pulls you into a hug. After a few seconds she pulls away but leaves a hand on your waist which makes your skin tickle right away. "Um yeah hi" you press out, being unbelievably awkward. Leah then proceeds to lightly stroke up your waist and smirks lightly at the reaction. "So y/n, you wanna have a drink sometime soon?" She bites her lip and steps a bit closer. "What happened to looking for something serious?" You press out which makes leah a bit nervous as well. "Um yeah that didnt work...well come on, we always had a nice time" she squeezes your waist lightly and looks you in the eyes. "Yeah alright" you mumble, basically throwing all the progess you made these last few weeks over board. "Great, i'll text you" she winks and then walks off like nothing happened. What you both didnt realise was that alessia watched the whole scene unfold, easily connecting the dots that leah must have been the mysterious women that broke your heart. And its safe to say she has never been that furious about something before.

And that didnt stop when the teams stepped onto the field for the match. Less has always been extremly protective over you, which made her resent leah now. That escalated when leah lost the ball which led to a goal against arsenal. Usually a good teammate like alessia was the first to console someone who made a mistake, but not this time.

"Fucking hell leah get your shit together" she walks over to her and shoves leah. The other women is completely startled by that reaction, she has never seen less so angry. "Dont come at me like that alessia, you could have scored as well" she regains her composure and defends herself. "Just focus on playing and dont be so fucking selfish all the time, always putting yourself first what is wrong with you" less then completely snaps which urges kim and lia to physically pull her away from leah. "Alessia what is going on with you? Thats no way to talk to a teammate" kim tries to calm down less who just scoffs and walks away. But a few moments after jonas announces that less is going to be substituted for stina which makes her even more furious, firing a bottle of water somewhere before storming into the changing rooms. Half an hour later the match has ended, 2:1 for arsenal which leaves the whole team in a mood for partying. But that changes for leah when she enters the changing room and immediately is dragged out again to a secluded spot by alessia. "What the fuck is wrong with you less" she asks, trying to free herself from less grip who is much stronger than her. "You are an asshole, thats whats wrong" less answers angrily while pressuig leah against a wall. "Do you even know what you have done to my sister?" She adds which makes leah realise what all this behaviour is about. "Less.." she begins but is interrupted by alessia. "Dont fucking less me, i cant believe you leah. I knew you were a player but sinking that low to fuck over a nice girl like my sister...i never would have expected that from you" she spats and shoves leah against the wall who is still taken aback by less bahviour but then regains her composure. "Alessia dont talk to me like that!" Leah finally manages to defend herself "I have never promised your sister anything, it has always been casual. And shes her own human being so dont act like her fucking bodyguard" leah scoffs before freeing herself from less grip and making her way back to the arsenal changing room.

You didnt notice any of the fight between your sister and ex lover, only witnessing the discussion between them from the sideline. You thought it was just about football and didnt realise alessia found out about your affair with leah. But that changed a few hours later when you got a call from your sister, chilling at home and relaxing from the stressy day.

"Hey less" you smile into the phone, sipping on your tea. "Hey y/n" less sighs laying back on her couch. She had some time to reflect on what just happened the last few hours and realised she may have overreacted a bit. But she was far from forgiving or apologizing to leah. Still she wanted to have a serious talk with you about what has really happened with her teammate in the last few months.

"Why did jonas substitute you? Are you fine? Is your foot bothering you?" You ask concerned, wondering why jonas would pull out the best player on the field. But less just sighs and shakes her head. "No no im fine its just...i havent been the best teammate...to leah" she admits which surprises you a bit. "Just because she made a mistake?" You ask concerned, knowing less as one of the most sensitive people you have ever met. "No...well yeah at first i snapped at her about that but after...the reason was you y/n" she admits and bites her lip anxiously. You frown into the camera "me?" You ask and alessia nods "yeah you...i saw you two before the match and i know y/n. She was the girl that broke your heart right?" She asks and you realize what all this is ablut. "Ehm" you say before finally admitting what has really happened. "Well yeah you are right...sorry about not teling you less! I just felt so weird about it and wanted to tell you everything without you having any prejudice about the other person..." you explain your reasons to less who nods understandingly. "I get that...its just...youre my little sister y/n. I cant help feeling protective over you, and that just made me fucking angry towards leah" she explains and you even feel kind of moved by her words. You always knew the important role you had in alessias life but never would have thought to be such an important person in her life. "Thank you less...but you know its my life right? And its not completely leahs fault, i kind of acted stupid just by myself" you chuckle slightly, trying to lighten the mood a bit. "Hm if you say so..." less sighs, accepting that your opinion about leah is what counts after all.

"But are you going to meet her again?" She then asks the inevetable question. You sigh "i dont know...maybe. i miss her less" you admit and she nods understandingly. "Just be careful y/n, you have just regained control of your life, i dont want you falling back into that hole again..." she voices her concerns to which you just nod. "Ill try" you mumble, knowing that this is no easy task at all.

[so-litudinal]

i miss it here, kinda

main two reasons i haven't been around are 1) my phone died a few weeks ago and 2) my only consistant thought these days(?) is that i wanna disappear, as in i don't wanna/can't live, and i feel bad about only posting depressing, suicidal stuff (which is ridiculous, since i created this blog over 10 years ago as an online personal diary — but i guess shame follows me anywhere i go). 

my phone had been messing up for a long while, i know i should've gotten a new one at least a year ago. but it had been holding on (barely) anyway so i kept putting it off, as i do everything you know. but then one night i stupidly dropped it in the stairs. it only fell down a couple of steps and i seemed to be able to turn it back on just fine (albeit slow). but the day after it kept turning off randomly, until i couldn't turn it on anymore at all. anyway. guy at the repair shop couldn't do anything. and since i'm the worst, i hadn't backed up anything. i thought i'd lost everything, but turned out at least pictures and videos were saved to my cloud. still, i lost all my notes + audio recordings. i don't care all that much about the audios except for one i took two years ago of junko purring in my bed a few days before she died [now that i write this…i have a vague feeling i might’ve posted the audio here at the time… but i’m kinda scared to go back and look, only to be let down again]. thought/hoped i'd saved it somewhere on a hard drive with all her pictures but couldn't find it. 

what i'm saddest about is losing my notes. repair shop guy said that if i’m lucky (big lol….) and if my phone was connected to a google account (??? idk, my mom told me cuz of course i didn’t go myself), i might be able to retrieve them once i got a new phone. i’m not sure if that was supposed to be about my notes being saved to a google drive or something, cuz that wasn’t the case anyway. so yeah. years and years of notes. i’m dumb, so dumb that i kinda deserved this happening to me (watch it not be a learning lesson, just like anything else). the notes i really cared about were the fanfiction drafts + artwork ideas. speaking of, sorta crazy that i’m ashamed to talk about writing fanfiction on this blog. i’ve always had this compulsory need to “split” my personality and interests across different online platforms—irl too. don’t really wanna dig into that here and now but yeah, it probably all stems from shame and deeply rooted self-contempt + fear of judgement from others, even though most of my online presence has consisted of my existing in and talking to the void. some of those notes dated all the way back to 2020. there were some that i wrote on my pc but the large majority stayed on my phone for easy access when i got random ideas in the middle of the night or in the shower. i really liked most of what i wrote, even the stuff i didn’t necessarily have the intention of finishing. took about a week to buy another phone but it’s been 2 weeks since that and i still haven’t used it. been using a tablet. i guess i get used to not having a phone cuz with the way i live, like a hermit, i don’t even have much need for a phone’s primary functionalities anyway. i don’t go out at this point and i pretty much never contact anyone anymore. but also, every time i think about those notes i’ve lost, i feel like “what’s the point?” what’s the point of a phone if i’m gonna be so dumb about it. also—and that’s even more pathetic—what’s the point of writing at all. i’ve had ideas and things i’ve wanted to write about in that time but even on the occasion that i do start (on pc), i systematically get to a point where i lose interest, or rather the motivation to continue and finish. i’m aware that this mindset is not only worryingly cynical and pessimistic but also sounds ridiculously dramatic, even to myself. but i think the reason why is because when anything even mildly inconveniencing or upsetting happens, that plays into my depression and lack of purpose/will to live, and vice versa. vicious circle and all that, you know. everything, including the positive actually, ultimately brings me back to the same point, the same conclusion—it’s not worth it, because all of it is wasted on me, whose my life isn’t worth much at all, and all of it goes away or ends up in the same dumpster of despair, nothing will last, whether i stay alive or disappear. not that i necessarily believe this way of thinking is reasonable, or even truthful—more that it doesn’t matter whether i believe in it or not, because it so strongly influences, if not dictates my perception of all things in life. so yeah, all of this over a dead phone and a bunch of lost writings, but also not really. worst thing is i haven’t even had the motivation to kick my butt and at the very least save the images and videos from my cloud onto a hard drive yet. i’m gonna regret this. …i say, as i sit back and once again consciously watch myself doing the thing that will only lead to more regret and self-hatred. heheh. queen of self-sabotage.

speaking of things that i seemingly can’t react to in an appropriate, normal human way… on the 31st of last month, the gacha i game i’ve been playing every day for the past 3.5 years was announced for eos by the end of september. i mean. there’s more than one valid reason to be upset over this, for just about any other fan. and the series it’s based on has been so, so important to me for the past 4 years (see how i intentionally don’t name it like "here is not the place for that”? yeah). but idk. the fact that i was so shell-shocked by the news and once again left with the feeling that nothing is worth getting attached to…. i know this kind of response is disproportionate. pathetic. not healthy. not normal. i’ve gotten a bit more used to the perspective since—at least for now, cuz i can very well envision going back into full woe is me mode as the date of eos gets near.

there are 2 other observations, or whatever i should call them, i can make from this reaction. 1) not being able to access something (probably even more so since it’s a form of escapism) that’s been part of my life, without missing a day since creating the account on december 31st, 2020, makes it glaringly obvious how empty and repetitive my days are and have been for an embarrassing amount of time now—the worst part being that i’ve found some sick, sick sense of comfort in it being and staying so (anything else is….terrifying and something i can’t allow myself to aim for).

2) i’ve had this vague feeling for a while but never really bothered to put it into words until recently but the more my interest about a certain thing grows, the more i’m susceptible to become unsatisfied, not with the thing itself, but with myself and the way i engage with it. very passively—like i effectively let it pass me by like i do anything else in life. i don’t usually want to admit it cuz it’s a bad character trait of mine, but i’ve kind of accepted that i find no real joy in sharing an interest with other people, engaging with them over this thing we presumably have in common. i’m the worst, so ugly for that, because it’s obviously an envy/jealousy thing. but also i tend to wanna cut myself some slack (self-indulgent?) regarding that specific thing cuz i’m pretty sure it also comes from my overall lack of social skills—which, at its root, is not my fault (severe bullying at a young, crucial age + prolonged and repeated child neglect). i know that it has now, in my adult age, become my responsibility to address and grow past those traumas and their consequences, especially assuming i still have hope for a life worth living (not taking the “do i?” factor in consideration here for the sake of this argument). my generation wasn’t exactly born with the internet but we did, at least partially, grow up with it, and it’s now such a(n unnecessarily?) huge part of our daily life, just like younger generations. i mean, talking about generations is probably pointless—what matters is that this was effectively my experience with the internet. so yeah, all that to say that i’ve had an “online presence” (not just as an occasional user of computers/the internet as mere practical, communication, sometimes educational, even more rarely entertainment tools) from my early teens, if not earlier, via blogs and now ancient forms of social media lol (msn, i’ll always have nostalgia for you—but please don’t come back). anyway. my point being… i’ve been using the internet as a hyper-social shared space for a long time, and there’s something that i’ve come to realise has been true, if not from the start, at least more and more over time, and that i’ve had, still have a hard time recognising and accepting: i can’t connect with people online any more than i can in real life. i think i wished myself to be one of those people who, however socially awkward in real life, or even downright social outcasts, managed to find a place online. i never truly could. it’s gotten worse over this past decade (the worst these past 4 to 6 years), as i progressively lost touch with the outside world and became more and more isolated. all these factors, dating long back or recent, are reflected in my ongoing online experience. with social media, “online communities” (niches, fandoms, circles, etc.) as a concept are so prevalent, and it’s hard cuz never in my life have i had the feeling that i could belong to one in real life. i grew to even regard the idea of a community as something i had no desire to partake in (i don’t know if i still feel that way but thinking so is self-preservation). i remember for example, the lgbt community is one i never quite felt i wanted to identify with, beyond my orientation being what it is, even in my adolescence, and sure, that might’ve had something to do with my own internal struggles with my identity, but in a way, it also circled back to my aversion to social groups (which is very much based in trauma and not just me being an introvert). that naturally, and unfortunately, extended into my experience with online communities of all sorts. that being said… i think that as long as i accept this as a fact about myself, even a little, it’s tolerable and not that big of a deal. if it changes over time (that would require my irl circumstances to change first and, well…), fine, i guess. but if it doesn’t… idk. It’s still a bit sad. cuz the internet is a big part of my life, one that supposedly brings me joy in various forms (the most prevalent being escapism—and i refuse to let that go, why would i hurt myself in that way).

all that to say that this gacha game closing is just one of the instances that have brought me to think more about how to engage with the things i like in a more fulfilling manner. since connecting with others is not a viable option at this point (or maybe ever), i think the only way would be to be more proactive. make or acquire something—something of my own—out of those interests. like putting more effort into writing. learning how to draw/make art. become normal and earn money to collect more merch (tie-ins) so i can be physically surrounded by things that make me happy. create the space i could never find outside, inside. i don’t care if it’s not fully enough to make up for everything i feel like i’m missing out on, because it would still be better than the loneliness and bitterness i’ve been stuck with for the longest time.

i don’t really have any definite conclusion i draw from those observations, much less a plan of action, but i just kind of went off and wrote about them anyway, i guess. there’s that.

so yeah… well, you know.

aah it’s gonna be such a chore to read over this before posting…..probably won’t (or else i might just give up on posting entirely)......nevermind, i'm doing it now lol.

rare good news is that paimon seems to be on the tail end of a very long and intense moult. last time it was that bad was when i got her and she immediately underwent the very first moult of her life. at the worst of it, last month, maybe even the month before, she was so down. so quiet and skittish. i never even had an opportunity to touch her. and as always, i was scared it might be something else, like an illness, or even a stressed-induced moult. i’ve been scared that my own irregular, unhealthy lifestyle might start to impact her. i know i don’t deserve her. at the same time, i was hesitant to take her to the vet. she can be a pretty fearful bird to begin with, so i feared that having to go through that kind of stress (the trip itself, being in an unknown place, handled by a stranger) would only make her worse. in the end, the risk of that didn’t seem worth taking cuz there was a good chance the vet would’ve just said that it was indeed just a moult and it would’ve been all that anxiety for nothing. during the time it got really bad and she was completely distant, i started to wonder if this was a glimpse into what it would be like without her here anymore. i’d already been thinking before that i would probably not want to go on after her death and this… well. it feels very real. but she’s better now. i cried when she sat on my shoulder for the first time again, and when we started playing and she tried biting my fingers or my ear. the absolute best was getting to sniff her (there is not one better smell in the world than that of a bird) + petting her until she falls asleep in my hand. I love her very much.

going back to the whole notes and writing thing… i don’t easily let myself admit to positive thoughts and feelings (fear and defeatism, i guess). still, i wanna put out there, somewhere—here being as good a place as any—that i really like writing. it’s fun (especially when it “works” lol). and it’s one of the rare things i genuinely like doing for myself, regardless of the purpose, the quality, the destination. not even talking about what comes afterwards…

it’s one of the “better,” as in tangible, ways to distract myself i can think of (goes back to what i was saying about engaging with interests in a more productive way).

at least when i’m in the middle of writing, i’m having fun.

now that i’ve started, i don’t even wanna finish this right now. i could write more, too. but then it’ll get late and i’ll be frustrated for different reasons. and if i “leave it and come back later”... well, i know there’s a good chance it’ll end up in my drafts never to see the light of day again lol. and i did want to post something on this blog specifically cuz it’s a place dear to me on the internet. 

closing remarks: i’m thankful for cloud servers and birds always.

[chelleztjs18]

Oblivious (W.M)

Wanda Maximoff x Avengers!Fem!Reader

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Avengers!Fem!Reader , Tony Stark, Carol Danvers.

Summary: What will happen when jealous possessive Wanda dating an oblivious girlfriend?

Requested: Yes by @savethefbees

A/N: Hi peeps! How are you? Thank you so much for your comments and supports on the previous one shot. I'm sorry if I broke your heart with that one shot. Here a little bit of fluff to soothe the pain I caused in your heart few days ago. :D Thank you @stonemaxx my brainstorming buddy who help me with this idea, putting her brain in my head when I wrote this request. She plays with the imagination, I play with the words. lol. Well, happy reading lovely people! Enjoy! Ch. 57 Lost in Assistance is in the work. :)

A few years after you left the Xavier Institute, you loved your life so much better. You got recruited by the S.H.I.E.L.D then Nick Fury thought that your power would be very helpful to Avengers, so he transferred you to become an Avengers. You were born with powers, telekinetic, flying and you can throw powerful energy balls as well, strength and endurance as a bonus. You love your powers.

Life as an Avengers? It’s awesome! Live in a compound that’s high in technology and has a lot of facilities, great training room, awesome kitchen and pantry always filled with all good food and beverage not to mention your spacious fully furnished bedroom. You can go out on missions and kick some ass with your powers especially working with the other teammates.

All other Avengers were so welcome and open for you the first time you joined in. They treat you like family but the best part of being an Avengers is that you are dating one of them, the most beautiful and powerful brunette in the team, Wanda Maximoff. Meeting her was the best thing that ever happened in your life. Even though you have met her for two years but both of you just started dating not too long ago. You have been claimed as her girlfriend for five months now.

Both of you clicked instantly since the first time you met because you pretty much have similar power with her minus the mind reading.

“Baby, I want us to go somewhere for a date today. You know, to get some fresh air and a break from Avengers related stuff.” Wanda pops a suggestion as she gently strokes your hair with your head on her thighs while both of you relaxing on the couch, watching tv in your shared bedroom. “Yeah, I would love to! That sounds fun. Any idea where you want to go, love?” You look up to her in excitement. “What about going to your favorite restaurant that serves Paprikash, then we can go for ice cream and walk at the park, like we used to do?” The brunette suggests.

“Ough yeah that sounds really good. I love it. I miss walking at the park with you, holding your hands..” Your eyes light up, as you grab her hand and kiss her palms. “Cool, so 7 P.M?” She smiles at you after she sets the time. You nod with a smile, still enjoying her touch on your face as you hold her hands. She giggles.

It’s 6.15 P.M, Wanda is excitedly getting ready. She is wearing your favorite dress of hers. You walk in nervously to your bedroom and look for her and you find her in the bathroom. As she is doing her hair and make up in the bathroom. You knock on the bathroom door that’s slightly ajar. “Love? Can I come in?” You ask hesitantly, you know her well. She is always early or at least on time and she gotta be almost ready by this time. “Of course.” She answers.

You slowly open the door, getting ready for her reaction. You know it’s not going to be good. Her eyes widened and burned in instant displeasure as soon as she saw you in your mission suit.

“You gotta be kidding me! Seriously?” said Wanda in gritted teeth, her hands quickly falling to her side from doing her hair, as her signs of disappointment. “Sorry Wands, I don’t want to cancel our date last minute but I had to. Tony needs me to come with him on a mission. It will be only a few hours, I’ll be home even before you go to bed.” You explain and hope she will understand.

She lets out a harsh exhale, full of exasperation. “Fine. I can’t believe this is happening.” She complains as she grabs the make up remover and cleans her makeup. “I’m sorry, honey. I promise I’ll be back soon and we can cuddle?” You smile as you hug her from behind, looking at her eyes in the mirror and smile then kiss the crook of her neck, the spot that you know always gives her chills and melts her heart at the same time. “You look so beautiful though in this dress.” You run your hand down slowly to her thighs, reaching the bottom hem of the dress and get under it, touching her inner thigh that’s close enough to her center.

“Detka, don’t do that to me if you want to go on a mission. Unless you want me to pin you down on the bed and not let you go to the mission.” She dominantly warns you with her soft voice and thick accent that always give you shivers down your spine and you love it. You smirk but then you kiss her cheek before you let go of the hug to leave. “Okay Wands, I gotta go. I love you.”

“I love you too.” She answers but she lets out another breath with annoyance. After changing into her pajamas, she stays in bed watching the sitcom that you love to watch with her. Her green eyes are glued to the screen yet her mind is somewhere else, lost in her own thoughts. As she gets lost in deeper thoughts, her heart is soon launching into an internal conversation with her brain.

“Did y/n do this on purpose? Just so she can cancel the date? Who else will be in this mission? Why didn't she tell me the mission’s details? No. No. Everything is okay with you and Y/n, Wanda. Stop being so insecure, she loves you.” Her heart and her brain argue.

After a few hours, as her eyes get heavy and half shut, the A.I of the compound alerts her to your arrival back from the mission and just like that the sleepy state she was in is quickly replaced by her excitement to see you as she gets up from the couch and picks up her pace to see you. As soon as she comes out of the front door and the quinjet gets in her sight, Tony walks towards the door. Then she sees you walk out of the quinjet limping, and Carol is helping you walk with your right hand wrapped around her shoulder and her left hand wrapped around her waist.

Mixed feelings ambushed Wanda’s heart and mind. She is mad at Tony that took you to the mission and has to cancel the date, tonight. She is upset and worried seeing you get injured, and mostly she is furious to see how Carol wraps her arms around your body with her hand touching your body and waist.

Yes, Wanda is a jealous person or should we say, possessive, of you. Technically, we can’t blame her, her parents’ death makes her easily afraid of losing the people she loves and right now, you are her person that she doesn’t want to ever lose. Wanda always tries not to let her jealousy and possessiveness take over her and your relationship but with Carol, she hates it. She notices that the blonde Captain has been flirting with you and tries to get you even before you both start dating. And with you both dating, it still doesn’t stop her there. Her effort seems to be more obvious and on another level. That pisses your girlfriend off and what makes it worse is that you are too oblivious to see everything and it drives her crazy.

“Tony, what happened to her? Why is she limping?” She asks in full vexation and her eyes glow red. “Calm down, Witchy. Nothing serious. Just a little injury, she’ll be fine.” The Iron Man quickly explains before the brunette witch gets too angry. “You took her on a mission, canceled my date and now she comes back injured? Tony, what the hell?!” She slowly raises her voice to the Iron Man in front of him and before he can argue back, your voice calling her name makes its way to her ears as you finally stand in front of her.

“Wanda, darling! Hi! I told you, I’ll be back before you go to bed.” You kiss her left cheek. “Oh my god, y/n. You are hurt.” She gasps as soon as she sees blood dripping out of your wound. “Oh, nothing biggie, Wands. It was just a minor error, don’t worry. Thanks to Carol, she has been taking care of me.” You innocently compliment Carol in front of your upset girlfriend.

“Yes, ‘Wanda’. Don’t worry, she’s in good hands.” said Carol mockingly at Wanda as she helped you walk into the compound passing her, and of course you didn’t notice what Carol did. Wanda freezes, looking at you in disbelief at how oblivious you are. “Are you coming, Love?” You ask. “Uh yeah. I’m coming.” Wanda tries to catch up with both of you. She tries to tame her rage. It should be her who helps you walk to your shared bedroom.

Wanda tries to keep it cool. She knows you didn’t mean anything with what you just said about Carol. She knows that you are just being you, being nice and sweet to everybody.

Three of you finally get to your and Wanda’s bedroom. The blonde Avenger helps you lay down on the bed. “I’ll get a first aid kit.” Said Carol as she was about to get the first aid kit. “I can take it from here, Danvers. I can take care of MY girlfriend.” A snarky comment slips out of Wanda’s lips as she stands behind her.

“Okay.” Carol moves back as Wanda gets the first aid kit and sits on the bed to take care of the wound on your leg. “Wands, you should see how Carol saved me and she helped me with my wound too. That’s sweet of her, right?” You subconsciously expressed your death wish. “Oh really? Wow.” Wanda answers sarcastically as she angrily rips your pants to clean your wound.

“Uh huh. Thank you Carol.” You look up to Carol who is leaning on to the door frame as you thank her while your girlfriend’s eyes darted at both of you.

“You are welcomed, y/n.” She answers. “No, seriously. Thank you. It was very sweet and nice of you. I really appre---OUCH! Wanda, darling. That was fucking hurt.” You feel pain on the part where Wanda is trying to clean. “Oh, I’m sorry SWEETIE. I didn’t know that part hurts so bad. I would’ve known if you told me, instead of being busy thanking Danvers.” Her voice slowly faded as she said the last part of her sentence, trying hard to calm down and not to act childish. Little did you know, Wanda pressed your leg intentionally as a result of being too indignant.

“Be careful, Maximoff. Precious Y/n right here needs a very gentle treatment.” The tall blonde superhero laughs a little at the situation and at your provoked woman, keep getting on her nerves. “Alright then, I’m gonna go to my room. See you tomorrow, y/n. Great job on the mission today.”

“Good night, Carol. Thank you.” You smiled. “There, it’s done. Now go take a shower, and go to bed. Don’t let your wound get wet” Wanda pushes your legs carefully then helps you prepare your hot shower and your pajamas. No matter how angry she is at you, she still cares about you. “Thank you, love.” You stand up. “Oh, I thought you would not thank me ever and only thank Carol.” Wanda can’t help herself to reply to you with a sarcastic response. “Huh? Of course I will thank you, you took care of me. Like Carol, she helped me, so I thanked her.” You are genuinely confused and innocently explain which doesn’t calm your girlfriend at all. The name “Carol” that floats in your voice, definitely burns Wanda’s ears and she wishes she is deaf every time you say her name.

“Seriously, y/n?” She asks in disbelief and gives you a glare. “What? Did I say something wrong?” You ask, confusion written all over your face. The taller woman in front of you closes her eyes, takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out. “Y/n, sweetheart, go take a shower now, okay? So we can go to bed. I’m sleepy.” She suggested you softly and you obliged.

You came back from shower and found her asleep. As much as she wants to tell you to sleep on the couch because she is still upset with you but her possessiveness still wants you to be close to her so as soon as she feels your presence next to her on bed, she pulls you closer and wrap her arms around your body, snuggling with you and back to her slumber.

_____

The next morning, as soon as Wanda wakes up, her left hand instantly looks for you on your side of your bed but she doesn’t feel you under her touch. She sits up and wonders where you are. “Y/n, sweetie?” She waits for your answer from the bathroom but silence is all she gets. Her mind ponders if she was overreacted and soon she feels bad at you for acting that way she was, even though you were clueless about it. So she gets up to find you and makes it up to you.

You woke up early to get your wound checked up by Bruce and went to the common room to get some coffee. Wanda went to check if you are at the lab with Bruce but he told her you already left. She knows for sure you go to the common room to get coffee. What she doesn’t know is that Carol is there as well.

Her eyes are burning as she sees Carol talking with you as soon as she is close to the common room. Her ears are ringing from the sounds of both of you laughing together. The view and the sound feels like a hard punch straight to her guts. All she can do is just let out a bitter chuckle then she turns around. You see her coming but then you get perplexed that she turns around and walks away. With no doubt, you end the conversation with Carol and leave her to get to the woman you love.

“Wanda, wait up.” You try to catch up with her but it seems that Wanda picks up the pace as well to avoid talking with you. You struggle a little as your leg starts to hurt. Wanda puts a stop to her steps once she hears you grunt in pain then turns around. “What?!” She asks in irritation.

“Hi gorgeous. Good morning.” You smile and kiss her cheek. The pet name and the kiss from you warm her heart but not enough to beat the resentment inside her. “Good morning, y/n.” She answers half-heartedly with her gaze locked to somewhere random to avoid your eyes. “Uh- I’m thinking we can reschedule our date to today after work?.” You try to grab her hand but she quickly pulls her hands and crosses them in front of her chest to avoid you holding her hands.

She bites the inside of her cheeks before she answers. “Why don’t you take Carol on a date?” She hissed. Her question leaves you puzzled. “Why would I?” Your eyebrows furrowed. You didn’t get any answer besides a view of Wanda rolling her eyes while she shakes her head slowly. “Is everything okay? You are acting weird.”

You never see Wanda turn her head so fast as she did just now right after you said what you said to her. Her annoyance flared. “WEIRD? I’m acting weird??” She asks with a raised voice. “Well, I– Uh I guess?” You hesitantly answer that it sounds like you second guess yourself with your answer. You nervously squint your eyes worried about her upcoming reaction to you

Before your woman had the chance to respond to you furthermore, you were safe by Tony’s presence. “Hey y/n, hey witchy. How is your leg? You good, yeah?”

“Yes. It’s good. I just limp a bit but I’ll be okay.” You answered. “Ah great, so I can have a party tonight at 7, be there.” Tony tells you and Wanda, his body language shows that he is not letting both of you say no. “Party? What are you celebrating this time?” You ask the billionaire.

“To celebrate that you are still alive and to celebrate that Wanda ended up not killing me because you survived your minor injury.” He pats your back as she rolls her eyes from Tony’s joke. “So I’ll see both of you later at the party.” Tony walks away. “So, Wands, we’ll get ready together after I get back from work and go to the party together?”

“I already have plans with Nat later, so might as well get ready and go with her.. I’ll see you at the party.” Her vexation with you and the “Carol” situation makes her lie to you just so she can avoid talking with you.

_____

Fortunately, Nat was not busy so she spent time with Wanda after she called her. Wanda has been trying to avoid you the rest of the day and of course as oblivious as you are, you didn’t think that Wanda is mad at you and avoiding you. Nat arrives at the party with Wanda. But you, being stupid and having a death wish sure have no difference to you, you come to the party with Carol.

Your eyes are instantly looking for the Avenger who possesses your heart in her hand. You didn’t see her when you came home from work so you are dying to see her.

You keep getting interrupted every time you want to find Wanda, either by your other team mates or old work friends from S.H.I.E.L.D and they try to catch up with you. Carol never leaves your side. Meanwhile, Wanda sees you from afar where she has been with Nat, and she has been watching you since you arrived at the party.

Her heart beats tripling in speed uncomfortably, her face feels warm to her ears when she sees her blonde rival keep subtly touching you. Carol’s hand sometimes touches your lower back, or her fingers run indistinctly along your arm while she is talking with you. She notices that Carol flirts with you.

As if it’s eating from the view of Carol’s flirting action towards you, her jealousy grows more and more. Her grip on the wine glass gets tighter when she sees you didn’t react when Carol tries to fix the collar of your suit as a secret excuse to flirt with you.

Wanda finally had enough when she saw her lies that there’s something in your hair just so she can touch your hair and have the audacity to tuck your hair behind your ear. “You got to be fucking kidding me!” She swears under breath then she puts down the wind glass angrily and walks to you.

“Oh there she is.” You said when you saw Wanda. “Hi my love! I have been looking for you.” You greet her and try to kiss her but she interrupts you by grabbing your hand. “Y/n, can I talk with you real quick?” She whispers in gritted teeth and gives you a death stare. If her look can kill, you will be dead by now, in a heartbeat. “Uh yes of course, Wands.”

Wanda takes you to a more private space, the training room. She walked in, followed by you then you closed the door. “What the fuck, y/n?!” Her voice raised out of the blue.

“What did you mean?” A line appeared between your eyebrows. Confusion evident on your face as you ask her. “She has been flirting all over you and you let her!” Wanda starts to lose it. “Flirting? No, she didn’t. And I didn’t let her. Why would I? I’m dating you!” You denied it, more confusion grows in you.

“Her hands have been all over you all night! Your back, your arms and she fixed your collar. She even touched and tucked your hair, and you weren’t even bothered by it, y/n!” Her body locked up with rage and her pulse slammed in her neck as she let out everything that she has been wanting to tell you.

“Oh so you have been watching me the whole night and you didn’t come to me? I have been looking for you! And for the record, I didn’t even realize that she was flirting with me. She didn’t say or do anything sexual to me. She was just being nice to me, as a friend!” You start to get frustrated with Wanda’s confrontation.

“Oh my God! You are so stupid sometimes!” Wanda is furious. Her brain exploded with fury. She tilts her head. She starts to float. Her eyes start to turn crimson red and red wisp starts to form a big energy ball float above both of her palm, she throws them to your directions and it hits you. It’s common between Avengers to throw powers at each other because they all know each other's limits to take it.

But this time, the power Wanda threw at you is harder than usual. Harder enough to push you back with quite a force. Thanks for your strength, it only feels like a sudden impact. You cough a little from it.

"Really babe?? Throwing powers at me when you are angry? That was a low move. Is this why you acted weird last night when I came home? For fuck sake Wands! She was just helping me and being nice. What the fuck is wrong with you?" As you start more exasperated, you start to float and just like Wanda, wisps of dark forest green energy ball show up then you fight Wanda back. You threw your power at her as hard as she did to you and it shocked Wanda. It’s like adding fuel to her fire. Anger swelled up in her.

“Wanda, you gotta calm down. I already told you, she was just being nice just like how friends are.” You tried to explain to calm her down but it didn’t help.

"Can't you see it?! She is always drooling every time she looks at your body! She has been trying to get in your pants, y/n!" As Wanda argues more, her emotional related magic power starts to throw more random things at you.

Chairs, dumb bells, boxing gloves, martial arts pads and weapons. Thanks to Tony who decided to make the training room soundproof, nobody at the party knows what is going on.

"Jesus Christ! Wanda! What the fuck is wrong with you! You know I can't fucking read minds right?! How the fuck should I know she want to get in my pants! You are getting out of control!" You yell at her as you try to push all of them away from you with your power.

"You don't need a mind reading power to see it, y/n! Even everybody knows and can see it! Everybody except you!" She yells louder at you. A heavy punching bag flies in great force to you, fortunately you are fast enough to avoid it.

You throw some more power blasts to Wanda. It hits her a few more times, as Wanda flying around tries to avoid more of them you threw, so do you.

The quiet training room turns to a little battlefield until Wanda accidentally blasts you hard to the wall and you fall down. You grunt as you try to stand up. Her breath hitched. Part of her worried about you and felt guilty, part of her is still mad at you but her red wisp slowly faded, her eyes are no longer red. It turns to her warm green eyes that you always adore. The eyes that made you fall for her so hard. Head over heels falling in love with her.

You softly groan holding your upper abdomen near the end of your left ribs when you feel a little pain in there. "Wanda, fighting like this won't solve the problem. I---" Before you can finish what you are trying to say to your still angry girlfriend, you get interrupted by Carol's presence.

"Y/n? Are you there?" Carol is surprised by the view she gets when she gets into the training room. “Oh my God. What happened? Are you okay? Geez, did Wanda do this to you?” The blonde quickly comes to you, check on you if you are okay. Her hand touched your stomach.

“I’m okay. Wanda and I were just having a little misunderstanding. Don’t worry.” You answer the woman next to you. Carol patches another smirk at Wanda without you knowing.

And just like that, as easy as flipping a hand, Wanda is back to her furious state. Red flares appear in her eyes and the red wisps make a reappearance on her hand. She hates her voice, she hates how she smirks at her when she lays her hand on you or when she flirts with you. Wanda had enough with her and before you know it, she hits Carol with her power. It pushes her further away from you but as she tries to throw more, you step back in between both of the powerful women.

“Wanda, stop it! Keep her out of this. Let’s talk and solve this problem. I don’t want us to fight anymore.” You warn the brunette in front of you.

“Aaw, are you jealous, Maximoff? See, y/n darling, this whole thing will never happen to us if we are dating. You should’ve picked me instead of this irrational jealous witch.” She starts with a mocking tone to Wanda then flirts with you with confidence as her right hand wraps your waist, trying to pull you closer to her.

Then it hits you and you realize. Now you see it, you see what Wanda told you. You quickly turn your head to her, staring daggers at Carol. “Wanda was right. No, Carol. That will never happen. Stay away from me. I love Wanda and her only.” You blast her away with enough force in your power. “And, let’s just keep everything professional between us and it’s only me who can call her a witch.” You walk to Wanda.

“Come with me, love. Let’s get out of here.” You gently grab Wanda’s right hand and walk away. It’s now Wanda’s turn to mock Carol with a victorious smirk as both of you walk past her. Wanda’s hand moves secretly and the huge heavy punching bag flies to Carol and hits her hard, making her fall on her back. You know what Wanda just did to her, but you pretend you didn’t know.

You took Wanda to the rooftop where it’s quiet, more private and intimate. You grab her waist and pull her closer. You look into her eyes. “Wanda sweetheart, I want to say I’m sorry. For being oblivious and not aware of the situation and also your feelings but I can’t read minds, you gotta have to tell me if there is anything bothering you and if you were wondering about what’s on my mind, you could’ve just read my mind, love.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to invade your privacy. I respect you.” She explains, this time her eyes are soft and warm just like they always are. Her right hand cups your left cheek and her left hand wraps your right side of the crook of your neck. Her soft voice, eyes and touches show stark differences from how she was earlier.

“I would rather you invade my privacy in my mind than get mad at me, throwing powers and things that make us fight. I don’t want us to fight. I love you. I don’t want anybody else, I want you. All I see is you. So next time we need to communicate more, okay?” You smile, trying your best to calm her down and give all the assurance you know your girlfriend needs.

“I’m sorry that I attacked you and hurt you. Or being mad and acting crazy. I love you, y/n.” Her green eyes look at you, full of guilt. “It’s okay.” You smile. Then you kiss her lips softly and passionately as your way to show her how much you love her. Wanda quickly reciprocates your kiss. She pulls you closer if it’s possible. Both of yours and Wanda lips move in unison in the kiss. The kiss is perfect and sweet. You both claim each other through the kiss, giving each other butterflies. You wrap her in a hug as the kiss deepens. You can hear her soft hum in the kiss, you can feel her smile in the kiss.

As the air slowly leaves your lungs, both of you stop the kiss and slowly break the kiss. Pressing foreheads to each other as both of you giggle. You pull away your face a little bit to see her as you talk to her. “Next time we fight or argue, let’s fight in the kitchen. I would rather you throw plates to me than huge punching bags or fighting weapons” You tease her and both of you laugh.

“I would rather fight in our room, on our bed. How’s that sound?” Wanda asks you in a very flirtatious way as she looks at you and her eyebrows wiggle.

“Ouh, in that case, I want YOU to THROW me on to the bed.” You tease her back as your hand slowly sneaks under her dress, gently cupping her center through her underwear. “Hmm and then pinned you down?” Her eyes turn dark in desire as she bites her own lower lips.

“Fuck yeah.” Your breath starts to get faster with the idea in your mind. Wanda’s face leans closer to you without letting go of her gaze at yours. “Then beg for it.” She whispers slowly with her thick accent and firm dominant tone.

Masterlist

A/N: Well, that's it for today's post. I hope this one shot has enough fluff for me to make it up to you after the angsts I wrote in the last few works I posted. Let me know what you think. As usual votes, comments, feedbacks are always appreciated. Follow me for more! See you in next chapter of Lost In Assistance! Thank you! You are all awesome!

Cheerio!

Chellez TjS.

Taglist: @madamevirgo @musicinourlips @unstable-sapphic-hoe @fanboy7794 @chloe7076 @b0mbdotc0m @trikruismybitch @ichala @californianwhiterabbit @silver-lotus @imfuckinggenius @sxfwap @chaekhan @daenerys713 @srtamercurio @stupidsapphicsstuff @pattypavo @selfwrotevision @emptysince18x @frvny @franfineashell @heyyoweveryone @ygtft-chen @yaaskasey @sweet-likeee-cinnamonn @paumxmff @dopeyouth @beaniejennie @ineedafinghug @idkwhatimwriting @lucydiibi @mainly-rebloging-fics-i-like @gloriousfoxruins @grxvitye @mcubreakdown101 @aos22 @wandanatstan @paulawand @yeeterthekeeper (Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist).

[jslittlebirdie]

Here Without You

Pairing: Soft!Ledger!Joker x Reader

Summary: Your last days have been really bad and exhausting. There are always new problems you have to take care of, you feel tired and burnt out, and on top of that, J hasn't shown up for several days. That was until today.

Word count: 1,344

Genre: probably a bit angsty / fluffy comfort / self-insert

Warnings: Reader has a bad day, low self esteem

Notes: A very big thank you to my dearest best friend @fan-of-pretty-much-2-much for encouraging me to post this fic. What would I do without you, your support and love? I own you so much��😭 Also, thank you so incredibly much for this simply beautiful title💜

Well, this fic is a total self-insert😅 I basically wrote it for myself as a comfort. So it's probably too cheesy and my characterization of J is way too soft and ooc. But maybe someone will like it anyway, I don't know. So read at your own risk lol🙈 Also, the text is unedited and English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes.

Taglist: @ajokeformur-ray @sacredempressnatlyia @rommies

It had been days now since you last saw your clown. News reports were your only clues as to his whereabouts and well-being. You didn't blame him, he was a busy man - a free man who came and went as he pleased - and you wouldn't keep him from his business. Even though, if you were honest, you would love to not let him leave your apartment ever again, and instead keep him with you where you knew he was safe; not that he couldn't take care of himself.

But you missed him terribly. And on top of that, your doubts and insecurities were getting worse with each passing day. You probably weren't good enough for him, too boring and annoying with all your worries. Would he ever come back to you? Was he tired of you? Had you perhaps upset him without knowing it?

And today... Today was a particularly bad day. Already early in the morning the day had started with bad news, new things you had to take care of. Problems kept coming up, there just seemed to be no end in sight. Once you had taken care of one thing, two new things popped up. You felt overwhelmed, burned out and tired. You longed for a break. You longed for him.

A familiar noise. But you only heard it very distantly. You were far too lost in your sad and gloomy thoughts. You sat on your bed and stared at the wall. Your eyes hurt because you tried to hold back your tears as hard as you could, even though you knew it was wrong. But you wanted to stay strong, not show any weakness.

The noise came closer, heavy footsteps. The door to your room cracked open and a face painted with makeup peered in, looking for you. When J spotted you, he grinned mischievously. But his good mood soon changed when he saw you in this miserable state. He immediately noticed that something was wrong, even if he didn't quite know what it was yet. So he entered your room without waiting for you to give him your permission. And even when J stood right in front of you and looked at you with his beautiful dark eyes, which actually showed a hint of concern, you hardly reacted, which admittedly only worried him more. Because you normally ran up to him at the first sign of his presence. But today was... different. And he didn't like it at all.

"What's the matter, toots, hm? I'm back, I'm here."

You stared at him, but you couldn't see him. You hadn't quite realized yet that he was truly standing in front of you. It seemed more like your mind was playing a trick on you - an evil trick to torture you even more. "I'm so sorry, J," you finally uttered. It wasn't so much directed at him as you were talking to yourself.

"You're sorry for what?" He frowned thoughtfully. He couldn't remember anything you had done that you needed to apologize for. But it wasn't a surprise that you apologized in the first place. You apologized for the smallest things, sometimes even for apologizing. But this time, he was a little bit confused.

"I don't know. That I annoyed you with... with me being the way I am. I don't know, okay?!" That was the moment you snapped back to reality. You saw him. Standing in front of you, in his usual slightly bent posture, his head tilted to one side as he tried to figure things out. And that's when you couldn't hold back your tears any longer.

Intuitively, J leaned down towards you and reached out to cup your face with his gloved hands. But you flinched away from him, too ashamed and insecure. "No, J. Don't!"

But he didn't let that stop him. Even though you had said the exact opposite, he could tell by the look in your eyes how much you wanted him. And it caused a strange feeling to rise in his chest - he wasn't sure what to think of it, so he just shrugged it off and focused all of his attention back on you. He sat down next to you, wrapped his arms around your body that was trembling with tension, and gently pulled you to him. This time you let it happen; the second he touched you, you were like putty in his hands. Moments later you found yourself on his lap and you couldn't help but cling to him as tightly as you could, your tear-streaked face buried in his broad chest, inhaling his scent between heavy sobs - a mixture of burnt rubber, gasoline and sweat (he had been out there for days, of course, he hadn't had time to worry about such trivialities) and something so specifically J that your heart ached. Oh, how much you had missed him. All you wanted and needed was him. Your J. It was kind of ironic. While others ran away from him in sheer panic, you longed for him. You had never been like others, you saw so much more in him than just a criminal. To you, he was your charming, sometimes pretty grumpy, but still in his own special way caring and loving clown - but you better not say this out loud. You just loved him. This realization hit you so hard that a new wave of emotions washed over you.

"Shush. I'm here, I gotcha." He shifted beneath you, loosening his grip around you, causing you to sigh in frustration. Rustling of expensive material and then suddenly you felt all warm - he had wrapped you in his royal purple coat and then put his arms around you again like a vice. You were in the warmest, safest embrace you could ever think of. Immediately, your body relaxed, your trembling finally subsided. You listened to his steady heartbeat and mimicked his breathing. J hummed and smiled to himself as he noticed your reaction.

When you finally felt calm enough, you lifted your face off of him so you could look at him; your eyes were bloodshot and dark rings stood out beneath them. He hated to see you like this, but he said nothing; he waited until you were ready to talk. And you were ready. You took a deep breath and finally murmured, "Today was just a shitty day. There's so much to do and it seems to never get any less. Everything is too much. And I... I missed you so much... I thought you weren't coming back."

"But here I am, right?" He squeezed you a little tighter to put emphasis on his words. "I know you've got a lot going on right now. But ya got this, toots. You're tougher than you think you are. Aaand..." A huge and devious grin formed on his lips. You could literally see him thinking about all the things he had done in the past few days. "I need to lay a little low for the next few days."

"Yeah, I picked up something like this on the news. What is it this time?" You're no longer able to suppress a weak giggle. And a yawn. You were so very tired and exhausted, you hadn't slept well since J left, when he wasn't by your side. But now that you were cocooned in his protective warmth... Your eyes grew heavier and heavier. "So does this mean you're staying home, J?"

"I'm not going anywhere, sweets." He moved you both on the bed until you were in a lying position, you still on top of him wrapped in his coat. Even though he would never admit it, he had missed you too. And holding you in his arms like that - feeling you, knowing you were safe and relaxed - made him aware of his own exhaustion. He pressed a sloppy kiss to your forehead, leaving a beautiful reminder for you when you woke up in the morning, and then closed his eyes himself.

[yourmidnightlover]

rock

Summary - spencer wants to figure out what's wrong with you, only to be reminded what day it is and he remembers why you've been so distant.

TW: talk abt: rape, recovery, therapy, case stuff; mention of: drug addiction, rape, miscarriage, being shot, death lol

WC - 4,283

!DISCLAIMER! - i am in no way trying to romanticize recovery from a traumatic event or being upset/depressed/anxious. this is kinda my way of getting through my own issues, so please don't think that's what i'm trying to do in any way. i also don’t know how i feel abt this ending since i wrote it so long ago but oh well!

i just realized there are a few spoilers so i'll put *asterisks* around them. those parts are just explaining how the reader's always there for the team.

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you had always been the rock in spencer's life.

mentally, at least.

when he had nobody there for him when he was going through his addiction with dilaudid, there you were. you helped him through it when everybody else on the team acted as if they never noticed.

you were the one that encouraged him to get help, and pushed him to follow through. you made sure he ate and talked to someone when he had his urges again, even if it wasn't you.

you let him come over and cry about what had happened, and how unfair his life was. you consoled him and would tell him how nothing was his fault. how he didn't deserve anything bad in his life.

*and when emily 'died', he went to your house every day. you held him as he felt himself falling apart from losing her. you didn't even worry about yourself needing to be consoled, because spencer needed you to be there for him.

*when she came back you were the one to convince him to forgive her. you talked sense into him. you reminded him how much he pleaded to have her back, and then he did. so he managed to forgive her... because of you and your logic.

*and you weren't just there for spencer. while, yes, you made a special effort to be there for him, you were there for everyone on the team.

*when derek was arrested back in chicago and the team found out about his past, you were the one he leaned on for comfort. you and penelope. you let him cry on your shoulder and yell at you about how twisted a man would have to be to do something so cruel to a child.

*when jj was kidnapped and beaten to a miscarriage, you were the first she told. you didn't say anything. you knew there was nothing you could say that would relinquish the pain of losing a child. so you let her cry. you let her hug you for what felt like hours. you let her grief her unborn baby for as long as she needed.

*when penelope was shot, nobody cared to check up on her after the fact except you. you went to her apartment for weeks just to make sure she was okay. eventually, she was able to let loose all of her frustrations on you, and you took it like a champ. she ranted about how she just wanted to be loved by someone attractive and how unfair and cruel the world is, in spite of how much good she tries to bring into it.

*when hotch lost hailey, you took care of his files. you offered to watch henry and let hotch cry to you about losing her a few times once you broke past his tough exterior. you even cried with him and jack. you made them dinner whenever you could, and helped him look for good nannies to help care for jack.

*when rossi lost carolyn, you went to her grave with him on many occasions. you brought him his favorite scotch, which was very pricey, and his favorite cigars, also very pricey, and tried your best to recreate 'the rossi special' upon his directions. it helped him feel in control of something when he needed it.

*and when emily came back from the dead, you helped walk her through her own grief. she lost herself, and buried her emotions. you helped her dig up her old self, and grow into an even better woman. you even took care of her cat when penelope couldn't manage. you helped emily grieve her own death when she wanted to deny it ever happened, and she was forever grateful for you.*

you had become like the team's built-in therapist when something bad happened, and you loved it that way. you loved being the one the team went to when they needed it. it made you feel as though you had a purpose, which was something you desperately needed.

but when you went through your own trauma almost a year ago, you refused help from anyone. you knew you should've asked someone for help, or at least someone to cry or talk to when you needed to.

the team had been working on a case for longer than expected, 8 days now, and everyone was really frustrated. you had released the profile 7 days ago, and there was still no new information. it was as if the unsub had gone dormant, and you all couldn't bear that thought.

when the team released earlier than normal from the precinct and you all went to the hotel you had been staying at, you decided to get a drink from the bar quickly. you went alone, wanting to review a few of the case files during the process and not needing a distraction.

you ordered a jack and coke, and opened the case files to begin rereading them, seeing if you had missed anything.

victims were kept for 24 hours, filmed, raped, restrained, cut in pieces, and thrown in the trash like garbage. it was absolutely disgusting, and the worst you had seen in a while. the victims were low-risk and most of them had a place of authority.

the unsub had been profiled to be someone who was bossed around by a woman, narcissistic and egotistical, wanted to feel more power and authority.

the problem is, that profile was most people living in the area. even penelope couldn't dwindle down the suspects.

and alas, you had missed nothing. nothing new appeared or caught your eye. you gulped down the rest of your drink and paid for it before packing up your things to head upstairs. you tossed the file back into your bag and began the trek to the elevator.

you were interrupted by something hitting the top of your head, rendering you unconscious.

the team had woken up, and after waiting around for half an hour, spencer realized something was wrong. he had morgan bust into your room, only to find the bed unslept in. you were missing. and the worst part... you fit the unsubs type.

spencer felt his heart drop at the realization he had taken you. and it seemed as though there was no trail as to where you had gone. penelope checked the cameras, only to find that they were hacked right after you left the bar, and then they resumed after you were taken.

at least they had a time frame.

later that day, after everyone hasting to figure something, anything out, spencer had gotten an email. he opened it and expected it to be relentless spam, only to realize it was a live feed video. a video of you. he instantly called penelope in hopes that she could trace it.

she said she could, but it would take some time because the amount of routers it had been going through.

while they were waiting, you noticed you were alone. you knew who the unsub was too, thanks to his baffling stupidity and narcissism that lead him to believe he wouldn't get caught.

"officer johnson! it's officer johnson!" you looked around the camera for a second, noticing something moving. "he-he here," you cried out. "i love you," you said to the camera to nobody in particular, but someone in mind.

you were terrified. spencer could see it in your eyes. he could see the tears you tried not to shed. you didn't want to please him, but you couldn't help but feel the absolute horror and fear coursing through your body at a relentless pace.

"hi there, missus fbi," he teased, finally walking into the frame with a ski mask over his face, clearly not aware that we knew his identity.

spencer told garcia who he was, and she began her digging. officer johnson's great grandparents had owned a farm that was since then refurbished. it was an hour away.

officer johnson had known that you two had chemistry. that's why he sent the email to spencer. he saw the longing glares, the 'innocent' touches, the smiles you would give each other, the longing looks you shared. he wanted to torment him.

so when he began undressing you and you turned your face away from the camera in hopes of sparing some of your own dignity, spencer felt his heart breaking for you. it broke even more when he heard the yelps, and screams, and please, and "no!'s" you elicited during the act.

they caught him before he cut you, but not before he finished the first part of his plan. your skirt was ripped, and your shirt was practically in two pieces. spencer had given you his jacket to cover yourself as much as you could.

you stayed silent the ride back. you didn't even let spencer hold you like you normally would after a tough case. you were ashamed. embarrassed. you felt worthless. you felt pathetic. you felt stupid. you felt helpless. you felt like you were drowning. you felt like you were without a life raft.

you knew you could talk to the team about it, but you felt so disgusted by the thought of what happened to you that you only talked about it in your therapy sessions.

hotch had given you two months off. he wanted you to grieve, and go to therapy, and try to cope with everything that had happened.

and you did try to do that. you tried your hardest to get over it and move past it, but nothing helped. not the journaling. not the talking. not the crying. nothing was working.

spencer gave you a little space at first, but he then decided to try to help you as you had helped him. he went over to your house almost every day, and sat outside your door after you wouldn't let him in.

you knew he was there... you sat on the other side.

"i-i know that you probably don't want to see anyone right now. and i'm uh, i'm sure you feel alone right now, or like you can't talk to anyone," spencer sniffled. "but pl-please just uhm, just know that i'm here when you want to talk about it. i'm here to listen to you when you need me to. i-i don't want you to be alone during this time, y/n. please, just let me in," he begged.

that was normally what he would say almost every night he went to your house. he would sit outside for hours after he would ask you to let him in without fail. until one day you let him in.

spencer felt so much relief when you opened the door, only for it to be smashed when he noticed your eyes looked red and puffy, your cheeks were stained with the tears you had been crying for so long. your cheeks were sunken in, and there were dark circles underneath your eyes that were once full of life and happiness. your eyes no longer had that gorgeous sparkle in them.

spencer vowed he would get them back.

as much as spencer wanted to wrap his arms around you in that moment, to comfort you and tell you that he was there, he wanted you to make the first move. he wanted to tell you how strong you were and how proud of you he was for getting through that. he wanted to tell you how much he loved you.

he wanted you to make the first touch, because he didn't want to further upset you. he didn't want to trigger a repressed memory, or bring back the feelings of what had happened.

but spencer's touch was nothing like the officer's. spencer's touch was soft and gentle. spencer's touch was feather-light and endearing. spencer's touch was love and home. the officer's was brittle, and rough, and repulsive.

"hug me?" you sniffled as your eyes welled with tears again as they had been for the past three weeks.

"of course," spencer slowly wrapped his arms around your shoulders as yours found his torso.

he walked inside with you still in his arms and slowly shut the door. without breaking from the hug, you both walked to the couch and sat down.

you didn't say anything. you just needed spencer to keep hugging you, so he did. he did whatever you wanted, needed, from him. eventually, you fell asleep in his embrace on the couch.

when spencer looked down at you, now sleeping against his chest, he couldn't bring his heart to remove himself from you. so like any whipped man would do, he carefully picked you up bridal styled and carried you to your room. he took his shoes off as well as his sweater vest before cuddling back up next to you.

as if it was a reflex, you cuddled up into his chest when he neared you again and got underneath the covers. spencer slept the best he did in months with you. and you slept without officer johnson in your dreams for the first time since that day.

ever since then, spencer had been making sure you were eating and drinking. he took you to your therapy sessions and stayed over most nights you had asked and he was able to.

they had a few cases during the two months, so every moment he could, spencer was with you. he coaxed you back to your normal-ish self. he watched as that glimmer in your eye began to slowly grow brighter everyday. he watched as your smile came back, and your tears didn't come so frequently.

the first time he had heard you laugh again, spencer had thought he was dreaming. he wished he had recorded that moment. he was more grateful than he's ever been in his life that he had an eidetic memory, because that sound would forever be engraved in his brain.

when you returned to work, you clung to spencer. he had become your tether to reality, and hope. he had become your rock during the recovery.

over the months, everyone slowly began to forget what had even happened. things went on as usual, and the team forgot the traumatic experience you had gone through. even spencer might've let the experience get lost in his brain.

so when it became 11 months and 3 weeks since the abduction, you began to distance yourself once again.

you politely declined going out with the team a couple days before the anniversary, something you never did. you insisted that you were just especially worn out from the case you had just been on.

spencer had to finish files given to him by derek anyway, so he didn't get to witness the encounter.

once the day of the anniversary came upon you, you found yourself feeling sick to your stomach. you couldn't help the tears that would fall from your face every so often. you knew why you felt this way, but you wanted to push past it.

you had gone into the office wearing a pantsuit and blazer, wanting to avoid the normal office skirt you happened to be wearing the day it happened. you stayed at your desk and quietly did your case files. you didn't even greet spencer as you would every day. you gave him a kind smile, but you would normally give him a hug, or at the very least an eager wave upon his arrival.

spencer just assumed it was one of those days where you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. it wasn't spencer's fault he thought this. he didn't even look at his calendar to check what day it was. he just knew they had paperwork.

but he did have this day marked in his calendar. he had it marked so he would remember to be extra kind to you, and do your files for you, and come to your place with your favorite wine and takeout. he wanted to help you through the one year anniversary, but he forgot to check his stupid calendar.

you thought he didn't care. you thought the man who you loved, and the man who helped you through everything that had happened had had enough of your complaining and grievances. so, you didn't tell him about it. you didn't bother him with the terrible thoughts clouding your mind because you thought it'd burden him.

so when you finished all of your case files early, you asked hotch if you could leave early, at 2:00, because you had things to tend to. he allowed you to do so, but this rose a flag for spencer.

he saw you exit without saying goodbye to him, something you hadn't done the entirety of knowing him. you had always told everyone to have a nice night and to be safe before leaving, but not today.

finally, he looked at his phone for the first time all day, only to feel like the worst person in the world to realize what day it was. spencer felt absolutely horrible at this revelation and ran into hotch's office as quick as he could after packing his things.

"hotch!" he exclaimed upon opening his office door.

"go. she was practically in tears," hotch informed him. "and reid," spencer stopped in his tracks to turn and look at the stern man, "please make sure she's okay." spencer gave him a soft grin and a nod before turning around and bolting out of the office.

you had gotten home and immediately burst into tears. you shut the door with your back, and slid down it. you had never understood why people had done that in movies until now. you just couldn't wait to break any longer, so you settled for your front door.

you held back no wail, or scream as you cried in front of your door, your knees pulled up to your chest as you held them tightly.

you wondered why you had to go through that. you wanted to know what kind of karma there was for someone who had always tried to do the right thing to be hurt... and for nobody to even care. nobody wanted to console you, or to make sure you were alright.

you had checked up on everyone on every anniversary of their struggles. whether it be a death, abduction, anything, you had been there for every single anniversary or reminder. and nobody was there for you.

nobody was there for you to hug, or to lean on, or to cry to, or to scream at, or to rant to. nobody was there. nobody loved you enough to care about that.

but then you had to remind yourself that they all had lives.

but the person who is your life didn't even care.

spencer didn't care.

and that's why you truly lost it.

he acted like it was just another day. he acted like it wasn't the anniversary of the day you thought you were going to die. the day you wanted to die. the day you felt your most low, and humiliated. the day you lost all hope. and he didn't remember.

if the man with an eidetic memory didn't remember, it must be extremely insignificant. so therefore, you must be extremely insignificant.

spencer raced to your house. he wanted to be there for you today, and he failed. he felt like a failure as a friend. he hated himself for not being there for you when he knew you would need him. he knew how you clung to him in your time of need. you thought he was worthy enough to hold onto when you needed someone, and spencer felt elated at that.

but now he wasn't there for you. and you needed him.

he had quickly stopped by the store and your favorite takeout place to get the things you'd want. he got your wine, chocolate, food, flowers, and a teddy bear that had a sweater vest on him - you've always loved his sweater vests.

when he got to the steps of your house, he felt his heart drop. as he walked closer he heard the wails of your crying right by the door. he could sense the heartache from the edge of your porch, and felt himself feel even worse, which he didn't think was possible.

he instantly ran to the door and knocked profusely. you sniffled one last time, feeling embarrassed that someone had heard you crying your heart out. you had figured one of your neighbors heard you and wanted to tell you to keep it down, so you wiped your tears and the stray mascara from underneath your eyes and opened the door, keeping your eyes lowered in embarrassment.

"y/n," spencer announced sadly, a tear falling down his face. you looked up in confusion from hearing his voice. you noticed his tear and reached up to wipe it away on instinct.

"why're you crying? are you okay?" you asked, forgetting all of your own problems at the sight of spencer crying. spencer let out a small chuckle at your concern.

"i'm alright, aside from the fact that i'm a terrible friend," he admitted as his smile quickly faded upon seeing your stained cheeks. "i brought your favorites," he offered, holding the bag of goodies in one hand and the takeout in another.

"y-you... why?" you asked, wanting to make sure you weren't misreading the situation for him trying to comfort you.

"why?" he asked in disbelief. "because it's the anniversary. i can't tell you how sorry i am, y/n. i swear i marked it on my calendar and planned for us to take off so i could take care of you. i-i just woke up late and never bothered to even check my phone. i kn-know it's no excuse... but i am so, so, so sorry," he rambled out, already tearing up.

you grabbed his arm gently and pulled him inside before you started crying in front of your neighbors. you took the bags from his hands and placed them on your coffee table.

"i thought you just didn't care," you shrugged as you took a seat on the couch, prompting him to sit beside you.

"y/n..." he sighed as he realized how terrible he screwed up. "i will always care about this. i will always care about you. don't ever think differently. i'm just incredibly... dumb sometimes. i can't believe i made you think that," he trailed on. "i will never not care about you, y/n. i swear it. i will always, always care about you. i will always love you," he froze as he realized what he just revealed. your eyes widened, and squinted, and roamed his face, trying to figure out if he meant the words he had just sped out. "i truly do, y/n. i i’m in love with you and i'm so sorry i made it seem otherwise."

it took you a second to absorb everything that he had said.

"you too," you solemnly admitted. "i’m in love with you too. and i could forgive you... for almost forgetting," you gave him a small smile.

"i'm glad you could forgive me. i don't know what i'd do if you didn't," he relished. "you actually love me?" you nodded with a small smile.

"i have for a while," you turned your head to the bags on the table.

"oh! right!" he said, reaching for the gifts. "i got your favorite takeout, your favorite wine, your favorite chocolates, flowers, and..." he trailed on as he revealed each item. "i saw this teddy, and i couldn't resist," he smiled.

you took the bear, taking in its appearance. it had a light blue, navy, and white diamond pattern sweater vest and brown shoes on. it looked like spencer, just teddy bear form. you smiled widely at the sentiment.

"it's you," you grinned as you took it in your arms, hugging it tightly as you saw spencer nodded with a smile mirroring that of your own. "i love it," you chuckled.

"i would understand, the fur is really soft," he relished in the thought.

"i don't think he'd be as good of a cuddler as the real thing, though," you grimaced. "but he'll do for when i don't have you here i guess," you shrugged with a smile.

"i plan on being here as long as you'll let me," he said softly.

"always," you grinned, setting down the teddy bear and trading him for the real spencer reid.

"always," he repeated, taking you in his arms and squeezing you tightly as if you'd float away at any moment. "now let's dig into this food while you talk about your feelings, if you want that is," he said after releasing you from the hug.

"i think i want to," you nodded. "and spence?" he turned from getting the food out of the bag to look at you for a second. "thank you for being my rock through all of this."

"i'll always be your rock, y/n."

@averyhotchner  @greenprisca  @muffin-cup

[merci-bitch]

Her Lover

Alma LeFay Peregrine x fem!reader

Warnings: abuse, swearing, death, fluff, angst

Words: 5k

A/N: it’s been a while, hasn’t it. Lol. I’ve been having my exams and shit and I’ve been working on this for the longest time so I’m really sorry if there’s a word that’s not supposed to be there, I don’t really proof read. But hopefully more stuff shall be coming soon. Ta ta! Xx

Jake was surprised, it was all real. What his grandfather had told him, all those stories. They were real. It was unbelievable. At first, when he saw the boomed children's home he didn't really believe it. As that man said at the pub. 3 September 1943. No one survived, but then how come Miss Peregrine's letter had only come 2 years before to his grandfather. How was that even possible?

When we first entered the loop, he of course ran away and nearly got himself killed. Thankfully his new friends saved him from those angry Walsh people. The house looked so different from those ruins he saw. It was actually a very beautiful house. Big and tall and all those flowers growing up on the sides. Completely different.

Miss Peregrine wasn't anything like he'd expected. Not at all, despite from all the stories he'd got from his grandfather. Apparently she was the bird flying above him and his father when they first arrived to Cairnholm. Ever since Jake arrived, he'd notice that on the bird's right hand, her ring finger. There was a small ring with a single diamond. Jake knew it wasn't probably wasn't his thing to ask, but he didn't see anyone else then the people he'd already seen. His grandfather had never really mentioned anything or anyone else then the ones he'd already talked about.

He had helped Emma with the baby squirrel, it was a bit awkward wrapping the rope around her waist. He'd noticed Miss Peregrine's glare, it was uneasy. As if she felt some sort of jealousy? But that was ridiculous. Absurd. Jake had agreed to join them for supper. Emma was helping him in his grandfather's old room. He just couldn't but ask.

"Emma, could I ask you a question?"

"Jake, I told you that there are questions I can't answer." Emma said as she tied his tie.

"I know, but it's just. Does Miss Peregrine love you? Like, that way?"

Emma stilled. Almost uncomfortably.

"Jake. What's got you to even think of such disgusting things?!"

"I'm sorry! It's just, I saw her glare." Jake held his hands up in defeat.

Emma let out a sigh. Looked down before looking up again. "You must understand. Miss Peregrine, well all of us lost someone dear. It's taking her long time to actually get back to who she is. So please, stop asking questions." As she finished speaking the bell rang. They both walked down together and Jake almost sat down on Millard.

"Millard. Go and put some clothes on. Polite persons do not take their supper in the nude."

Jake almost felt sorry for him, he didn't mean to take his place really. He couldn't see him, obviously. He was, well he is invisible. During dinner, he couldn't help but stare at Miss Peregrine's right hand with that ring. Her long slim fingers with those long nails. The ring was silver. The small diamond was pretty. And shiny.

"Claire, why aren't you eating?" Miss Peregrine asked, looking with worry to Claire. Chewing on the piece of food.

"She's embarrassed in front of Jake." Hugh said, leaning over to Claire.

Jake shook his head. "Don't be. Please."

Claire looked over at Miss Peregrine with a small smile and Miss Peregrine sent Claire a wink before turning back to her own food. Claire grabbed the chicken leg and put it behind her head and a few seconds later she put the clean bone back on her plate.

"So Jake, what's your peculiarity?" Horace asked. Leaning over the table a bit to see Jake as he asked.

"Oh, I'm not peculiar." Jake stammered.

Enoch put down his fork and knife and said, "And that, my friends, is why he will not be staying with us. No matter how hard we try to persuade him."

Miss Peregrine spoke up again. Her voice light but firm. "We've spoken about this. Jake is just visiting."

Hugh opened his mouth, "He might want to say."

"Don't you want to stay, Jake?" Olive asked.

"Tonight? Or..-" Jake didn't get a chance to finish of his sentence before Claire irrupted him.

"Forever! You should stay forever." Her smile big.

"Why would he, if he doesn't have to? He can live out there, grow older, have a good time instead." Enoch said. Trying to make a clear point of why he didn't want Jake in the house. Jake could feel Emma slightly lift from her seat despite being strapped down. She was getting uncomfortable.

"He'll leave, just like his grandfather did." With that, Enoch started eating again and Emma got up and practically ran out of the room despite her heavy shoes. Miss Peregrine's call for Emma didn't stop her. As Emma left, a clothed Millard came into the room. Excusing himself. Sitting down and starting to eat his own food.

"Deep breathes Alma, you know how dear Enoch gets with new company."

Miss Peregrine closed her eyes at the voice inside her head. She was right. She slowly got up as the telephone rang. "I think you should all get ready for movie time while I answer that."

"But you always let us stay for it." Claire begged. Miss Peregrine turned around and gave the children a glare that almost scared Jake. She was a strange woman, yes she was. Miss Peregrine stepped out to the hallway, to the ringing telephone. This time, she nearly didn't answer it. Wishing the voice inside her head would come back. Missing the touch of that person with the voice nearly threw her off guard. She nearly kicked herself from going off schedule. Shaking her head, she answered the telephone and went on with the schedule.

The time went on, again. Horace's projected his dreams. One particular dream made Alma tense up. She couldn't watch it. She turned on the lights and heard all the groans from the children. It was almost re-set time. Olive asked Jake to stay and see the re-set. Enoch clearly didn't want him to. Alma felt herself chuckle softly. The arguments between Enoch and re-set. Alma stepped out in her raincoat and put on her gas mask after putting on the music. Run Rabbit Run. She would always sing along to the song-Alma kicked herself mentally again. She stopped her clock, she turned it 24 times to represent the 24 hours of the loop. She took of the gas mask and smiled towards her children.

She said her goodnight to the other children as Emma and Jake made their way out the door. Her smile faded as they disappeared from her view. She closed the door, knowing Emma would lock it. She slowly made her way up the stairs, to the end of the hallway, to her bedroom. She opened the door and walked in and closed the door again and locked it. Leaning against the door and closing her eyes.

"You know me better then I do. Can't seem to keep nothing from you. How you touch my soul from the outside. I still love you even though I'm scared. Learning to be grateful of myself. I wish I could love me like you did, how I wish I could trust myself like you did."

She moved from the door and towards her desk and sat down and started unpinning her hair. Brushing through her hair slowly. That black-blue hair. The little curls. She got undressed and dressed in her lacy nightgown and brushed her teeth and took off the makeup she'd been carrying during the day. She laid down in the cold bed, shivering slightly. Falling asleep after a few minutes.

***

"Clarice! Clarice come on. We have to get back. We can't stay in La Pari forever. We've been gone 7 years too long!" Claire let out a groan and stopped walking. "But Y/N! I love Paris!" Y/N shook her head. Her little sister was definitely a number. "Well, you wrote to Alma we'd be home, so let's go." Clarice didn't move. "I? I didn't write. She's your wife." Y/N felt herself tense up. Oh no. Y/N had forgotten to write, and she'd hopped her darling sister had written.

"When was the last time You wrote back home Clarice." Y/N looking over at her sister, with a glare almost identical to Alma's. Clarice bit her bottom lip. "5 years ago." Y/N felt her head spinning. She sat down and rubbed her forehead. Clarice started laughing. "What's so funny?!" Clarice threw her head back in laughter.

"Oh lord, the handful you will get when you get back. I mean Abe will definitely be in her side." Clarice said while patting her older sister's shoulder. "God. She'd kill me. I swear, I didn't mean to forget and I thought you'd been writing." Clarice shook her head. "But you're right. Let's go home."

***

"Jake, you're back. How wonderful." Miss Peregrine said as she held the Ymbryne tight to her.

"How's it doing?" Jake asked. "Emma said it was an Ymbryne."

"She. Not 'it'. Ymbrynes are always female." Miss Peregrine said as she looked up at Jake. "And Emma was quite correct. This is Miss Avocet." Miss Peregrine continued to give Miss Avocet the medicine.

"Her loop's in Blackpool, England." Jake said. Miss Peregrine slowly turned her head up towards him and saw him holding a piece of paper. "That was a private letter, Jake." She said as she put down the medication.

"Who is Mr. Barron?" Jake asked, slightly raising his voice.

Miss Peregrine's face expression turned blank and her right hand came almost protectively over Miss Avocet.

"Miss Peregrine, if my grandpa was involved with dangerous people. I need to tell the police." Miss Peregrine looked up at Jake again, her brows knitted with confusion.

"Police? Are you implying Abe died an unnatural death?" Her voice going quiet.

"I found him in the woods, with his eyes missing. I'd say that was pretty unnatural." Jake said as he watched Miss Peregrine raise from her chair. Miss Peregrine looked at Jake in disappointment, snatching the letter out of his hands.

"Unless essential, I don't discuss unpleasant matters. An Ymbryne's duty is to protect children, Jake." With that, she left the room, almost in a hurry.

"I'm not a child! He wanted you to tell me everything!" Jake shouted after her. Jake let out a sigh of frustration and walked down the hallway and was stopped when both Enoch and Olive came into his view.

"Oh. How frustrating for you. Between Miss Peregrine's rules and my housemates' little pact not to scare you off, it's like no one's telling you anything." Enoch was sarcastic. Olive stood quietly behind him. Jake leaned forward.

"Why don't you, then? It's not like you want me here."

This time, Olive spoke up.

"Enoch, you can't. You promised." Enoch looked back at Olive before answering.

"Olive's right. I do know someone who can get away with breaking rules though. Want to meet him?" Jake looked a bit uneasy at Enoch before following him up the stairs. Olive behind them.

"Enoch, don't do this. Please!" She grabbed his arm, begging him not to do whatever he was going to do.

"You want to spend time with me and Jake, we can all play together. That's what you said." Enoch said as they reached a door at the end of the hallway. Olive stood in front of them. Not letting them pass through the door.

"Well, here we all are." Enoch said. Olive looked up at him with a bit ready expression. "Move Olive."

"If you're going to be like that, then I don't want to be your friend." With that, Olive left. Sobbing quietly to herself while walking down the hallway.

"Enoch, leave Victor alone. It really upsets Bronwyn." Fiona said as she walked up to Enoch and Jake. Enoch put both his hands on Fiona's shoulders, "Stop fussing, Fiona. Don't you think Jake should meet everybody?" He said while looking over at Jake.

"He's trying to frighten you away, Jake. He's always jealous of Abe. And now he's jealous of you. Come and play with us instead."

Enoch crossed his arms and looked at Jake, waiting for an answer. Jake didn't really know what to say.

"I'd quite like to meet Victor." Jake said after some time. Enoch smiled and ruffed Fiona's hair. Enoch opened the door, letting Jake walk in. "After you."

In the middle of the room there was a bed, covered in thin layers of fabric, and Jake saw Victor, lying there. He slowly walked in, moving with small steps towards the bed.

"Hello, Victor. I'm Jake. I'm sorry to disturb.." Jake looked down at Victor. His eyes were missing.

"Yeah, he can't hear you." Enoch said. Enoch got on his knees and opened Victor's shirt and put the heart he held down into Victor's chest. Jake saw how Victor's chest started to heavy. Almost like a jump scare in movies, Victor sat up and looked over at Jake.

"Hello, Jake. I'm Victor. Do you want to know what killed me?" Almost like a puppet he was. It scared Jake and he ran out of the room, downstairs where Miss Peregrine and the rest of the children were waiting.

"Ah, there you are. Is Enoch with you? It'd time for our daily walk." Miss Peregrine said.

***

Alma walked into the room where Victor lay. Sighing once seeing Victor's covers down. She pulled them up, making sure they covered him and slowly sat down. Noticing the tear falling down his cheek. Softly wiping it away and pulling him up and held him against her chest.

One of the most disappointing things she'd ever done. How she couldn't be able to save Victor, how she'd let her poor child die. She never meant for him to die, she never meant for Bronwyn to lose her brother. Alma felt herself tear up.

"It's alright Alma, you did what you could and for that, Victor will forever be grateful."

She really wanted to believe those words. Oh, how hard life could be. She couldn't let herself to cry. She'd always say it was alright to cry, but Alma just couldn't. She slowly put Victor back in his place and looked at her watch. She had a few minutes before the children would be back, but she had to keep schedule.

Alma walked out of the room, closing the door. Walking down the hallway to the right and then further down that hallway and then into her own bedroom. Closing the door behind her, locking it. Just in case. She quickly walked over to the dressed against the wall, opened a drawer and pulled out a shirt that didn't belong to her.

Sticking her nose deep into the fabric, closing her eyes and breathing in the familiar sent. Holding onto the shirt tightly. Alma felt her eyes sting.

Why did life have to be so cruel? Why couldn't just one person live a life and be happy. Is it only fairytales that get their happy endings and not people in the real world? Was the 'perfect' life all just a big lie that you were told on the television outisde loops? Why couldn't you just live yourself in your dreams? Wouldn't life be so much better if you could? It would save all troubles from people.

Alma slowly sat down on the bed. Still holding the shirt tightly to her. Breathing in the sent again. Letting her eyes roll back for just a second. Accidentally losing herself in the sent. Letting a soft moan escape her mouth which caused her to blush. Hand covering her mouth as she blushed even more.

"My shirt hm?"

Alma turned around with a gasp. No one was there, she let out a sigh. Alma got up again, checked her clock and put the shirt back in the drawer and walked downstairs. Waiting for the children to arrive back home.

***

"Clarice, where was the loop again?"

"You can't be serious. We lived with Alma for years, you're married to her for gods sake!" Clarice sat down in the damp grass, crossing her arms. Letting out a huff.

"Awh, stop acting like a bloody kid! Maybe help me instead of acting like such a bloody moron!" Y/N answered to her sister.

She let out a huff and sat down on a rock. Y/N felt bad. She'd been gone 7 years too long and Alma probably thought she was dead. Just because her little sister didn't write as she used to. Y/N reaches into her pocket and pulled out a few photos. Photos she took, before she left.

Most were of Alma. It was one of the only times she'd let her time be taken from her. She missed the bird.

"Could you stop sobbing and perhaps do something to help? You cant stare at th-hey. Y/N. Was that Abe?"

Y/N looked up and saw nothing. She turned to her sister and hit the back of her head.

"Very funny."

***

The children were packing after they're realisation that they couldn't stay. As Alma had finally gotten the suitcase to close, thanks to the twins, the doorbell rang. How odd. She hadn't expected anyone. Alma walked up towards the door and opened the door and felt her whole body tense.

"Miss Peregrine, what a pleasure to meet you at last!"

Mr. Barron was holding his hand shaped knife against Jake's neck. Alma felt her breathing stop for only a second. What on earth was happening?!

"May we come in?"

Alma took a few steps back, letting him inside the house. Her children standing on the stairs.

"Children! Would you make your way down the stairs, please?" Mr. Barron shouted.

Alma raised her voice. "I give the orders in this house, Mr. Barron." Looking at him sternly.

"Not today. You should know that Jake has served his purpose. If you value his life, I suggest everyone does as they're told. Children!"

Alma raised her finger and shushed him. "No one tells my children what to do!" Alma turned around, a split of disgust in her expression. "Children, come down here, please." Her voice was strong but soft.

The children made their way slowly down the stairs.

"Miss Peregrine-"

"I thought I told you to be quiet." Alma snapped back at him. Giving him one of her famous death glares. She slowly made her way around again to look at her beautiful children. Knowing she might never see them again.

"Children, for Jake's safety, we're going to do what Mr. Barron asks. He wishes to take me with him to his rendezvous in Blackpool. So, for his protection, he'd like me to assume bird form, preferably caged. And he'd like you to make your way into a lockable room, such as the parlour." Alma turned her frame towards the parlour then back to her children before turning around to look at Mr. Barron.

"As he won't release Jake if he fears an attack could be mounted upon him once he loses his leverage. Correct, Mr. Barron?" Alma raised her chin, showing how she awfully despised him. Mr. Barron was at loss of words.

"You're sacrificing yourself and all of us, for Jake?"

Came behind her, Alma turned around and looked at Enoch.

"Me. Barrons travels with a Hollow, Enoch. Once it arrives here, we're all dead." She could almost feels Mr. Barron's wicked grin behind her. Alma saw Horace lean in to whisper something to Enoch but didn't bother to listen. It took everything not to shed a tear. She'd lost everything now. The woman she loved the most, her dear children. Everything.

She moved towards the parlours door and said her goodbye to each child that passed her, ending with a hug from Emma and the twins which made her she'd a tear. Once every child was inside the parlour, she grabbed the door handle to each door and took a deep breath and looked over her children.

"It's been my privilege, to care for you all. Goodbye my children."

Alma closed the doors and turned the lock and turned to face Barron, showing her anger through her tear stained cheeks. Taking steps forward.

"Now let him go."

"Oh, but the fun's just begun Alma." Barron let out a low chuckle.

"How dare you speak my name, filthy bastard." Alma tightened her tone. Growing more impatient by each second that passed.

Barron let out another chuckle, this time of surprise.

"My my, what words those pretty lips let out. Tell me, how's dear old Y/N doing?"

Alma clenched her jaw. Feeling as she might explode.

"How dare you speak her name?! How dare you come here, act like you own everything I have. You took her from me! How dare you mention anything of her's. I know what you did to her family, how her parents practically coward before you. On their knees begging to not die. Letting their dear children's lives pay their depth."

As Alma continued, Barron only chuckled. Jake was confused. Who was Y/N? What did this woman mean to Miss Peregrine?

"Technically I wasn't the one who sold her, her mother was. Her dear parents are still loyal to me as ever. I'd never gotten a chance to meet dear Y/N. So tell me, where is she?"

This time, it was Alma's time to be confused.

"What do you mean by that. No tricks Mr. Barron. I want the honest truth."

As he let Jake go, letting out a groan. "Listen, lady. I'd never meet her. If I had, do you think I'd be asking you? So come now Miss Peregrine. Where is she. Her mommy and daddy just wanna say hello."

Alma felt herself start to tremble. Y/N hadn't been in Barron's possession.

She'd spoken to Jake. Begging him to care of her children before turning into bird form. Flying into the cage. Leaving with Mr. Barron. If her dearest was really alive, she'd never see her again. Nor her beloved children.

***

"Emma, I have a question. Look-I know you don't answer them but it's about something Miss Peregrine said before she turned into a bird. Who's Y/N?"

Emma went quiet for a moment, not really wanting to speak. Jake let out a sigh and continued to talk.

"Mr. Barron said he'd never meet Y/N before. What does this mean-who is she?" Jake looked t Emma who's eyes looked at his. A slight tone of happiness appearing on her face.

"So, that means she could still possibly be alive." Emma's smile got bigger.

"Who is she? Is she another peculiar?" Jake was growing impatient.

Emma sighed. "Alright, if I tell you. Will you stop asking?"

Jake nodded his head and sat down and waited for Emma to speak.

"Y/N came to our home years ago, before Miss Peregrine had made the loop. She came with her sister Clarice. When they came they were both pretty young. I think Clarice was 15 and Y/N perhaps 20. I heard Miss Peregrine talk with them about what had happened to them. It wasn't really, nice."

Emma sat down herself and took a deep breath.

"Mr. Barron came to their house, in the middle of the night and killed their brother, well took his eyes. He was around 8. She talked about how their parents had sold them to Barron for their own safety. But before Barron could touch them they'd ran away. They'd taken the boat and arrived here."

Jake listened as she explained more about Y/Nk's past. But there was just one question bothering him.

"What about the ring on Miss Peregrine's finger?" Jake asked.

"Y/N and Miss Peregrine kinda fell for each other. A few years after the loop was created, they got married. Then again a few years later, perhaps 7 years ago. Both of them left, Y/N and her sister. But after two years they stopped writing back home. We heard nothing from them and since Barron wanted to recreate the experiment Miss Peregrine told you about.”

Jake nodded, shocked. He had nothing against the LGBT community but he’d never thought Miss Peregrine was a lesbian. Perhaps she wasn’t, maybe just fell for the one person she trusted most.

They went on, the plan to save Miss Peregrine.

***

“Clarice, fix it. Please. Something has happened.”

Y/N was panicking. The loop was gone, not a child in sight. Alma wasn’t here either. Clarice had the peculiarity of restoring time, she restored the loop. Made everything go back to normal. The house looked itself again but no child was there. What the hell happened. How long has the house been like this? Clarice was too busy walking to her room.

Y/N looked around, saw suitcases. Were they leaving? But why, and where? It felt strange being back in the house, but with everyone gone. Y/N walked around, touching the walls and everything. Y/N walked upstairs and into the bedroom she once shared with Alma and closed the door behind her. Alma’s perfume hitting her like a smack in the face. The scent of smoke, flowers.

She pulled open the drawer and pulled out one of the dark blue lacy nightgowns and spelled. Alma. Y/N looked out the window. It was dark and it was raining. Y/N loved the rain. She walked over to the window and sat down by the window and opened it to listen to the rain and felt herself drift off into sleep.

***

Alma opened the door and walked in. How in the hell was the house still standing? She hadn’t reset the loop. She was wet and she was tired and drained. She quickly walked into the bathroom connected to her room and took a warm, long and hot shower. She wrapped the towel around herself and stepped out. Looking in the drawer for her nightgown but it wasn’t there. Alma turned her head to the figure she saw sitting by the window and nearly had a heart attack.

She grabbed her pillow and hit Y/N with it multiple times.

“You reckless little-“

“Alma, hey! Stop hitting me!”

“I have every right to be angry at you! I thought you were dead. For 7 years you’ve been gone and then you stop writing?!”

Y/N could see Alma’s cheeks turning red from anger. She stepped forward, grabbing the pillow out of Alma’s hands and kissed her knuckles. Which made Alma shut up.

“Why’d you do that to me, to the children.” Alma’s voice was on breaking point.

Y/N looked up, into those blue eyes. “I never meant to. I forgot to write-“ Alma cut her off with a snort.

“Of course you did.” Alma took the nightgown from Y/N and dropped her towel and put it on. Feeling Y/N’s eyes on her. It made her shiver. Then she felt arms wrapped around her waist and a soft kiss on her right shoulder. “I’ve missed you. Please don’t leave again.” She felt Y/N shake her head and turned around in her arms and kissed her lover on the lips softly. Nearly losing herself in her lover’s lips. Laughing softly after feeling Y/N’s hands tickle her sides.

“I hate you.”

“You love me birdy.”

[luveline]

hi!! it’s me again, coming back with my long commentaries (also known as love letters to u and ur writing). just so you know, this is awfully long. sorry for that! <3

first of all, let me start saying that I’ve never felt such a fondness and warmth coming from a fic. it’s lovely, dear!

“If I go home, I can sleep. But, if I go home, my life remains the size of my room.” oof. that made me question a lot of my own behaviour, honestly. funny how comfort zones can become a little lonely sometimes.

“The perpetual amusement on his face wanes ever so slightly, replaced by something soft.” the fact that THIS is the very first description we get of peter on this fic really sets the tone, amusement and softness are splashed all over your writing and in the way you build their relationship

that’s a bit random but I have to say that your food mentions in that brought a very special type of endearment and nostalgia. fries and shake were my favourite McDonald’s combo when I was younger and, of course, the pão de queijo mention made my lil brazilian heart skip a beat. i got embarrassingly excited lol

the skateboard scene!!! your description was so vivid that I could picture everything like a little film, even though I’m not familiar at all with skateboarding.

peter being so patient and attentive!!! peter coming up with the most random things to spend time with her!! the way he’s always calling her sweetheart 😩😩😩

“Later, when he's left for the night and you're lying in bed with your arm still phantom tingling, you look at the paint mark and figure that it makes sense. A physical mark of how you feel. A soft colour of a soft touch.” A SOFT COLOUR OF A SOFT TOUCH. you’re unreal. that’s too much.

the song scene!!! the way you wrote it made it flow so easily and lovely, reading it while listening to the same songs literally felt like a out of body experience. I know I’ve said this before many times, but you’re so so so talented!!!!

“It's magnetic in its awkwardness. Why do people dance? Because something about music makes you desperate to feel it, and something about Peter's pretty face open with the simple joy of singing in the street multiplies that. You're not sure you could've kept still if you wanted to, a vestibule of immeasurable slap dap joy.” oh my GOD this paragraph. you’re so insanely talented.

also, “You look at Peter and reckon it of him. You can't imagine he's ever been cruel in his life.” there’s something about that line that makes me love him so much. like. he’s a superhero, he’s constantly fighting crime and bad people and, in all honesty, he’s never been cruel in his life. I’m not one to judge someone’s morals, but here we have peter, a boy that has been through so much his whole life and he’s still so gentle and caring. i love him.

the movie scene!!!! “I missed you all week, I'm not going home. I would've come with a stab wound." absolutely sick. also, the coming out scene was really sweet and made me feel this insane fondness for peter, a overwhelming feeling that you described perfectly. “You pretend to shut your door, stand there listening to his panicked apologies through the crack, hungry for those extra seconds of his voice.” 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

the domesticity of when she’s in his room, just keeping him company!!! discussing what should they eat!!! love love love some domestic love!! and “It's just your hands feel like they were meant to be held to my face. I want to hold them there.”??? sick. sick sick SICK I love it

playing uno and hiding cards!! the way he’s SO gentle about her scars!! genuinely crying.

“You're my best friend," he says, love sewed into the seams of each syllable. "The best friend I have ever had. Nothing will change that." 

the whole last scene is gorgeously written. their spinning and dancing. when she says “I think you're my honeybody”. all of that was BEAUTIFUL.

but my absolute favourite part was the last sentence. the wine dark reference. I loved it during the painting scene, loved it during the call and realising you’ve finished it with that reference made my heart feel this wave of fondness and awe – for them, for your writing, but mostly, for you. I’ve told you this yesterday, but I can’t help saying it again, it’s a privilege that I’m deeply thankful for getting to see the world through your eyes in your writing. it honestly makes me emotional and hopeful that there’s people out there (you being one of them) that makes me feel so fond of the humanity, makes me feel so human. and I feel so grateful for your work, your writing and, mostly, for you, for sharing them with us, and allowing us to feel such deep, human emotions as fondness, tenderness, affection and love. because that’s all you’re about: love. from the bottom of my heart: thank you, i love you, you’re a dear friend that holds a special place in my heart. 💌 - lu

LUUUU

Thank you my baby for reading and for being the person that you are! It's my privilege to love you and have you here reading my silly stories and putting so much weight into your thoughts, I couldn't be more grateful for you and your time and your kindness

a million flowers for you 💐

[dinner-djarin]

Next To You (Bucky x reader)

Just a little one shot I wrote after watching FATWS on repeat. (I tried to make it gender neutral but I may have missed something so I'm sorry if it's not!)

Rating: Mature

No use of Y/N

Word Count: 2.6k

Summary: Bucky is having nightmares, and you're there to comfort him. Based on the Julia Michaels song If You Need Me. (so if the ending sounds dumb go listen to the song you'll understand why lol)

Warnings: Fluff & angst I guess idk, kinda dark themes, because well it's Bucky. Just two people who have definitely been through some shit. Oh ya that reminds me swearing. Suggested that intercourse has happened but nothing descriptive. A little (a lot) about trauma but mostly about nightmares. If I missed something pls lemme know, I don't want anyone to feel triggered reading. But if you can watch the show and be fine, you'll probably be okay with this.

Also just letting you know if I put ~ its cause I switch the focus from Bucky to reader, but I'm not switching POV completely its all written in reader POV.

Every night brought pieces of the past. He never knew which memory would be dragged to the surface once he let his subconscious take over - clawing and scrapping against the walls he put up, begging to be let out; to be confronted.

Some nights were worse than others of course.

He wasn’t sure how he was ever going to out run the monsters of his past. For a while he just stopped sleeping. It may not have been a permanent fix, but he thought some relief was better than none at all. He used to go days, even weeks, without sleep during the war, so he figured it might be the best way to silence the past.

Dr. Raynor, however, caught on quick.

A lot of her methods seemed like bullshit to Bucky. He could tell she was genuinely trying to help him, but he doubted anything she had anything to offer him that would prove to be effective.

But at the end of the day she was definitely no fool. He had a tough time lying to her. She didn’t take anyone's crap, and that might have been the only reason he trusted her, even a little. It may have been the only reason he actually gave it a sincere try (besides the fact he’d be arrested if he didn’t).

So he probably shouldn’t have been surprised when she caught on to his sleep strike. In fact she called him out on it only three days in. He thought he’d get longer than that. Even so, he was almost relieved. After only 72 hours he already felt the nightmares slowly creeping into the day. Every time a door slammed or a car horn blared his body tensed. Every time he turned a corner he’d reach for a knife he no longer carried. So maybe it was better to let his past haunt his nightmares. That way he’d be alone when the memories took over. That way he wouldn’t hurt anyone else.

But he made a mistake. He did what he told himself he could never do. He let you get too close.

Falling asleep in your arms felt better than any therapy session he could ever imagine. It was the first time in forever he could remember what it was like to be his younger self. The version of him that marvelled at the idea of flying cars; who thought he could save the world by enlisting. The dreamy eyed boy who was hopeful for the future, who thought he had a future.

Lying next to you made him feel in control, like his problems didn’t matter. He was there to keep you safe, and warm, and comfortable. He never thought he’d feel like that with anyone. He didn’t think he was allowed.

You didn’t question his metal arm for starters. When Bucky took off his jacket, after the hundredth time you insisted - “It’s like 100 degrees in here Bucky, please take it off, you’re gonna melt” - he thought he’d instantly regret it. But you simply looked at it with wonder for only a moment, before returning your eyes up to his own. Staring back at you, he saw the wheels in your brain click into place. He could almost hear your thoughts as you decided what your next move would be.

In the blink of his eyes you tore your shirt off and stood completely still in front of him. For a moment his emotions were mixed, and he worried where your sudden advancement came from, but then he saw it. A thick white mark slashed across your torso.

You took only one step forward before speaking. “It’s not exactly… I know it’s not the same thing at all. But the scars - the marks we carry - they’ll be with us forever, whether we like it or not. Even if they remind us of the worst pieces of ourselves, or the worst moments of our lives, it reminds us that we can move forward. And it reminds me that there’s something to move forward to. I don’t know…it doesn’t really make any sense but somehow it’s almost comforting.  To know that something will always be with us, till the end”

His mouth was on yours in an instant.

He had been hesitant to let anyone in. After coming back - after going through everything he’d been through - he felt like damaged goods. He worried that the minute he let himself be happy, everything would come crashing down again, and he had good reason to believe it. It just kept happening over and over. It seemed like every time he found even a small amount of peace, the battle made its way back to him.

But when he found you, when he felt you, he felt peace. The softness of your skin, the gentle wave of your hair, the light scrape of your fingernails against his back and chest, your quiet moans muffled by his own mouth on yours. Being with you made the horrors of his past melt away. Even when you clamped down around him and bit into his shoulder muscle, even when he knew you’d left marks all over his skin. Knowing they came from you made all the difference. They didn’t remind him of the wars he fought, or lives he took, or the atrocities he committed. The sting of your nails and teeth weren’t pains from his past, they were reminders of his present, of the possibility of a life he could have. With you.

But in the end he knew that it was all wishful thinking. He knew he wasn’t cut out for that type of future. He knew you deserved better.

So he decided to let you off easy, to disappear from your life, leaving your shared experience to the confines of your bedroom. A memory, nothing more. He knew he’d have to sneak away once you fell asleep, because that way it might not feel real. Everything that happened between you might disappear with him.

But then he fucked up.

He was waiting for your breath to even out, a sign he would take to mean you had fallen asleep, but after listening to the air rush out of your body, and watching your bare chest rise and fall, your hypnotic essence overpowered his will, and he fell asleep alongside you.

Only he wasn’t asleep for long.

Eventually the past caught up, as it always had a way of doing. Images, and sounds, and smells all came flooding back to his uninhibited brain - sleep made him an easy target. He was vulnerable to every torment he caused, and every mission he was forced to carry out. Tonight was no exception. His brain managed to sift through every wall he thought he had up, and trudge yet another painful memory to the surface. The image of himself taking life after life, cruelly and viciously. There was no remorse, no stopping him. He saw every crime lord and politician he was made to terminate. Until his brain moved away to a new idea. The image of a young woman. Innocent and pure. But in the way of his mission. The Winter Soldier spared none.

He woke up in a blind panic. His surroundings were unfamiliar. Something was wrong. Was he being held captive or-

~

“Hey,” you made yourself known to him, and he twisted his head back to see you sit up beside him. You were quiet, and a worried expression blanketed your face.

Is he angry, you thought for a moment? No. Your brain was tired, and it was slow to process. Not angry, scared.

You knew from the minute you saw his arm that there was more going on. You already had some suspicions, nevertheless you expected there to be something like this.

For a moment, the two of you stared at each other in silence. You watched him regain his breath, and you carefully shifted your legs to sit crossed underneath you.

His steel blue eyes cut through the darkness, pinning you down. You wondered what was going on in his mind, what he might be doing to regain his grip on reality. You knew this moment too well. The quiet. The darkness. The fear. Not sure of how to move forward.

You were scared too, but not of him - more like you were scared for him. You knew he must be going through something, and you wanted to be there to help, but you also knew that was easier said than done. “Being there to help” was a nice concept, but in reality - well things were generally more complicated. You didn’t know if it’d be alright to approach him, mainly because you were unsure of your role in all this. Were you really someone he wanted around when he was so obviously vulnerable? You’d never seen him so raw and exposed, like a wound you wished you could tend to, while also fearing that your interference could make things worse.

You knew he wasn’t going to ask for your help, you could see he wasn’t that kind of man, but maybe if you made the first step, and let him choose - maybe he’d let you in. So, you held out your hand and waited. After a moment, you saw him move, only slightly though. His eyes darted down towards your hand and he subtly lifted his fingers off the bed. But it only lasted a second. He froze again, hand hovering near yours, and that’s when you realized he had been reaching for you with his left hand. You had been wary to touch it before, you thought it was probably a sensitive subject. Something about the idea of touching his metal arm seemed more personal, if that was possible. Like only the most trusted people in his life might be allowed to… and maybe not even then.

You felt your own eyes drop to your lap, an almost nervous energy now emanating in the space between you. But just before you could drop your hand too, his fingers hesitantly entwine with yours.

You shot your eyes up to see his right hand grazing the palm of your left. As your gaze slowly elevated, you found your way to meet his own eyes, only to notice the very sudden change in them. Whatever fear or darkness hid their before had now melted away. You couldn’t place it, but whatever emotion he now held sent a chill from your core to your fingertips. A lump in your throat formed and for a moment, you thought you might never be able to breath again. The look in his eyes was almost soft, but with a hint of yearning. Fire was blazing through every nerve in your body, while a chill kissed your skin, making every hair stand on edge.

Feeling outrageously brave, you took your free hand up to his jaw and held him there, gently swiping your thumb over his cheek, and allowing your fingers to reach slightly past his hairline and to the back of his neck. You wondered if he could feel the raging storm of your emotions through your touch.

“You okay?” you managed to whisper to him.

“Nothing I haven’t dealt with before” his answer pierced your ears with a hard tone, refusing to let any vulnerability resonate in his voice.

You shake your head at him, wishing he wouldn’t play pretend. “Okay then,” you mumble, letting your hand drop from his face. But as it fell, Bucky was quick to grab it, and hold it with a gentle squeeze. When you looked at him again, you knew he meant it as a reassurance, trying to tell you that he was okay.

~

He couldn’t handle the way you looked at him. Like you could see every thought in his head. A knowing gleam in your eyes told him that you didn’t believe him, and you’d be right not to. He wasn’t okay. He never really was. There was so much darkness surrounding him, poisoning every inch of his life. But you. Your touch was gentle and your voice was kind, and even though he had just seen your scar, he couldn’t help but think your world must have been so much brighter than his own. Looking in your eyes, he almost wished he’d never met you. He was so afraid that his pain might infect you too, the only good thing he had left. He wouldn’t ever be able to forgive himself if he let that happen; if he let his past ruin your future.

He wanted to leave, he needed to get out, before any of that could happen.

He slid off the bed quickly, and made his way to grab his clothes, but before he could you grabbed his hand - his left hand.

“Please Bucky don’t.” was all you could say. But the way your voice broke, on the verge of tears, fear of being rejected, of being left alone in the dark by the only man you ever wanted to let in - it was enough to stop his heart. He stood there, frozen from your touch. You kept his hand in yours, and for a second you worried it was too much. You worried you betrayed whatever trust you had built with him. Just holding his bare metal hand felt more violating and revealing than the fact that both of you remained completely naked. But you didn’t want to pull away. You didn’t want him to think you were afraid of him, afraid of the fact his hand could pulverize yours in a second - because you weren’t. You’d felt his touch. You knew how gentle and caring he could be. And you wanted him to see it too. That he wasn’t defined by his worst fears.

You pulled your body towards him, kneeling at the edge and facing him, “You don’t have to leave.” you spoke softly, as if he might be spooked and run off if you were any louder. “You don’t have to push everyone away. Please don’t push me away… I-”

Before you could finish, he was crashing into you. His tongue invading your mouth, like he was trying to soak up your unsaid words. His hands held your waist in place against his, steady and strong, but there was still resistance in his fingers; a hesitance to use too much force with you. You could feel how he feared he might hurt you.

Slowly you leaned back, feathering your fingers over his shoulders to guide him with you, and when he hovered over you, you let them slide into his hair, grabbing what you could and leading his head down…

~~~~

You lay there in the dark with your head on his chest, listening to his steady heart, feeling the crisp sting of metal graze your back. And even though you knew it was ridiculous, all you could think about was how you wanted to keep him safe. The man was stronger than any other human being, and probably thought you were fragile and helpless, and needed his protection more than anything. But still, you wanted him to be okay. You wanted him to know he could be safe.

“I’ll fight them for you.” you whimper quietly, suddenly worried that Bucky may have already fallen back to sleep.

“Huh? Who- what do you mean?” his words stuttered and tripped over his tongue. His half sleeping brain was suddenly running a mile a minute trying to decipher your statement. Who were you fighting? Why would you need to fight them for him? Surely he was more capable of fighting anyone off. He should be protecting you-

“The monsters” you said a little louder. The words feel childish and awkward in your mouth, and once you said them, you wished to take them back. But you decided to push forward, “if you want me to… if you need me… I’m here”

[chrolloctrl]

How would be the adult trio in love ?? I'm really looking forward to your writing 😳😳💖💖💖🙏😎

omg this is something i’ve been thinking about so long since i feel like some people REALLY don’t write the adultrio well when they are in love. of course they are all borderline psychotic but i do not think they are incapable of love. i said what i said anyways let me continue

im going to do this as a head canon if thats okay!! if you want me eventually develop a specific character into a one shot i definitely will:)

warnings: like some mention of blood and fighting, maybe a lil mention of sexual things, nothing too bad tho theres one really explicit blood/gore mention in hisokas but that is a very hisoka thing so i have decided to leave it there

first i’m doing illumi bc yall miss with illumi so hard

okay so

first of all, he was a definitely a child with an avoidant attachment style

basically when mummy was there he was annoyed, when mummy left he didn’t care or was probably happy, and when mummy came back he was annoyed once again

this child did not experience love as a child

not once

zip

zero

nada

so u have to be patient with him im sorry to say

but it isn’t impossible

i think when he’s in love, he doesn’t realize it

he thinks he’s just in a sort of...agreement with you

but im telling u right now.. small acts of kindness are his love language

like if u guys were in a fight together and there was blood on ur clothes he would wash them and lay them on ur bed

and then u would be like “ok u didn’t have to do that thats so nice”

and he’d be like “i dont know what ur talking about”

and walk away

or

he would see like a book or something u like and read it just because u liked it too

he wouldn’t tell u tho he would just randomly bring up something from the book 

and you would be like “oh u read it?” 

and he would be like “no why would u think that”

and you would be like “:|”

with illumi u just have to be patient, i think eventually he would catch himself making ur bed one day and he would be like “fuck”

and realize he might have a thing for u

but he wouldnt believe it bc he is oh so emotionless and does not feel one thing at all

but he does he is just a liar

i think he would make his first move when he accidentally lets out all the emotions hes been faking not having and like just cries wishing he were loved and ur like

“i love u though illumi, a lot”

and he would just kiss u and like hug ur for 3 hours and then make u not talk about it ever again but u guys would just be in love and killua would be kinda pressed but he’d be happy u were illumi’s gon <3

okay let’s do chrollo next im sorry illumi’s was so long 

alright

as u can tell i am in love with this man

and everyone always bashes me bc he has no screentime and a pretty basic anime antagonist backstory

but out of all of the adultrio i think he falls in love the easiest and with someone nobody expects

like he is a mass murderer and thief and ur like...a flower shop worker

he would just be walking in yorknew city and see u reading some obsecure ass russian literature while working at a flower shop and he’d be like “wait im intrigued”

then he would talk to u and u would be like

:D

but also calm and reserved

and he would love that, someone who just vibes not a worry in the world

but then as he gets to know u he realizes u r not just a body bag who vibes

u r a human with actual emotions

something he probably swears he doesnt have

he would tell the rest of the troupe that ur just like...an experiment

and they would all buy it EXCEPT machi

she would be like “omg boss ur in love”

and chrollo would be like “um i dont feel that sry to say”

and machi would be like “ya sure lol”

you have no idea who he is like no clue he is the lead spider

but okay omg this part is gonna be corny

you would like hehe sorry im laughing thinking ab this

walking around yorknew city and he would almost step on a spider and u would be like “no!!! be careful!!” and pick up the spider and lightly set it into the grass

and chrollo would be like “why would u do that spiders r scary...right” *looks into the camera like hes on the office*

and u would be like “no..even spiders have feelings u know”

and then he would just like absolutely lose it he’d maintain composure but on the inside he would be like dhdkhduwojhfw

then he would kiss u and then he would finally tell the troupe the truth and machi would be sooo smug 

oh and the troupe def likes u like that is a given

ur just so innocent and sweet its like impossible not to like u u make everyone put away their tough guy acts

and then ya u guys probably read to each other u weird fucks

but its cute and i love

alright now for probably the person who would take the longest to love someone 

i dont know if u have read hisokas backstory one shot but i will try to explain the best i can

hisoka was in circus. lead man of circus say hisoka talented. lead man train hisoka to use nen. hisoka learns nen very fast. oh no serial killer is on the loose. oh no girl in circus almost get killed by serial killer. hisoka save girl. hisoka accuse lead man of being serial killer. lead man say yes lol i am. hisoka say okay i want 2 fight. lead man say sure lol i will kill u. hisoka kill lead man and girl in circus wonders where hisoka and lead man went.

okay now that thats out of the way

the girls name was abaki and i think hisoka liked her ngl

but that was before u know he got all gassed by killing lead man

he definitely thinks similar to illumi in the way that u r just a pawn in his plans

but u r def super strong and he is shook

he probably wants to fight u

but he still doesnt think ur strong enough

u live ur own life separately from his so he doesnt know much ab what u do in ur free time

one day he catches u training with someone else

and he won’t say it but hes lowkey pissed af

hes like “um wtf why didnt u ask me to train u

and ur like “literally why would i ever do that”

and hes like “what u think i cant train”

and ur like “u can barely control ur bloodlust hisoka :|” 

hes like “yeah u know ur right i guess”

but he doesnt stop thinking ab it bc like why wouldnt u train with him

u decide to go on ur own lil mission and try to fight someone you’ve been wanting to fight for a while

you invite hisoka just to watch, you tell him you just want him to sit around this time since you always sit around and watch him

he expects u to get beat to a pulp ngl

but you like completely obliterate the other person

this is too niche but u have such a gory fighting style. like ur def batshit crazy in a fight and loose all composure 

hisoka is shook bc he did not expect u to go that crazy

u like bite the other dudes jugular and blood splatters every where

that was so gross but idk im into that weird shit sorry im tw’ing that

but hisoka is a weird mf so that def makes him horny for u

he like takes u back to ur house while ur covered in blood and theres a crazy look in ur eye still

and he realizes hes in love with u bc ur just as crazy as him

i feel like ur guys relationships spawns bc of how crazy u both are. u guys probably summon demons for fun

i feel like his love language is more i do for u what u do for me

like if u save his ass in a fight, he’ll watch a cheesy movie for u

its def a give and receive vibe but it works

or if he saves ur ass he makes u guys take a bath together

and ur like “this is so cheesy”

and hes like “um ur having fun tho right” *crickets* “yea thats what i thought”

muah gonna think ab this before i go to bed

alr i think i wrote WAYYY too much omg these are all so long i am so sorry, too many thought in brain keyboard go woosh

hope u liked it though <3

[deliciously-yeeted]

I was in desperate need of some beel fluff, so i wrote some. As one does. Uh, ive never done this,(posting fanfic, i normally jus write small things for myself tbh😅) before so please have mercy lol

I hope ya like it though, it put a smile on my face so im hoping it does the same for you♡

____________________________

You started filling the hem of your shirt with snacks, as many as you could fit in the scrunched up fabric that is, a tired but playful grin on your lips, as you thought over what you planned to do, mentally prepping yourself.

Normally, you're not so bold about seeking out comfort and such, feeling shy about showing vulnerability...but today, ugh, today had you particularly worn down. You needed something, affection preferably. You'd settle for a warm bath and some melatonin if you had to. Though, you really didnt want too.

You were tired of self soothing all the time. And Asmos care packages could only help so much. But you knew how to make it all magically better. There was only one option in times like these .

You worked quickly, excitement bouncing around in your gut, making your hands a little shaky.

Having grabbed all you could you carry, you practically dashed from the kitchen. Your mind set on finding a certain big demon. Last you heard, he was headed to his room for a bit. You hoped he was still there.

When you finally reached his bedroom door, you found yourself in a tad bit of a pickle. Your eyebrows furrowed, the realization that you wouldn't be able to open the door making you frown at the closed door briefly. You cursed yourself slightly, for not thinking that far ahead. You forgot in all your excitement.

Briefly you considered trying to use you feet before dropping the idea. Guess you've got no choice.

Dang it! You felt kinda bummed that you'd be losing the element of surprise, but the grin soon returned, thinking about seeing Beel always you happy, regardless of the circumstances.

"Beeeeellllllllllll!" You called out, letting a bit of a whine into your voice, hey, who knows? Maybe it'd get him in front of you faster?? He tended to be on the slower side of answering his door, sometimes he simply didnt hear it. Especially if he was working out or watching tv.

Apparently, whining his name did not speed him up:(

You were about to call out again, worried he hadn't heard you, when the door clicked open. The mere sound making you feel slightly giddy. Your eyes snapping up to meet his briefly. You soaked in as many details of him as you could, without just straight ogling him, before flicking your eyes back up to meet his.

"Y/n?" He seemed pleasantly surprised, dressed in a black tank top and grey sweats (you were happy to see him wearing them, because while he looked like a whole ass meal in them, it also meant he had no plans of leaving the house tonight).

His eyes were quick to find the odd lumps wrapped up in your shirt, as well as the bit of tummy peaking out. The position you held your shirt in had caused the bottom of your stomach to show, something you had worried about on the way here, anxious about a different brother catching a glimpse of you. You could feel his stare burn against your skin, he was about to say something, but then his nose twitched, and his eyes fixed on your bundle of snacks instead.

-

Not that you minded his staring your stomach, not with Beel.

The others...maybe.

Your tummy was one of his favorite parts about you, he's hands finding their way under your shirt to touch and squeeze the soft flesh more often than not. Always gentle and non intrusive. I think he'd full on cry if he accidentally upset you somehow tbh.

Boy had absolutely no shame about it, once he learned you didnt mind much.

Especially when you seemed to be a bit shy about showing your stomach, with the others, or just in general. He made sure to let you know how much he loved your squish. Be it at RAD or just casually in the house.

The only person who ever raised a fuss over it was Mammon, although, he tended to fuss over everything you did anyways;; His protests did absolutely nothing to deter you or Beel, much to his dismay.

Sometimes, if Beel was hungry and needed a distraction or a quick 'pick me up', he'd scoop you up and just shove his face into your tummy. (Much like what I do with my cat when I'm bored and/or sad) Then he'd just hold you there until he absolutely had to let you down.

Relishing in the feel of your softness and you heart racing under your skin, fluttering so delicately under his lips, pressing his face against you was an instant mood lifter for him.

You loved it, a surprised but delighted laugh always ripping from your chest, almost subconsciously. You couldn't hide your happiness in his affections, not that you would want to (thats a lie, you cant help but be embarrassed at the end of the day by the intensive joy you felt whenever you looked at him). Which only seemed to motivate him even more, and soon each time he scooped you up, he'd kiss all over your tummy, making you giggle because it tickled, before hugging you close with a small sigh.

-

"I brought snacks, and some cuddles. So uhm, can I nap on you for a bit? 'M tired. Unless your busy or something..." you beam up at him, starting to hesitate toward the end, suddenly a little unsure.

"Pretty please?? I wont bug ya, I promise." You plead, pulling your best puppy dog eyes, shifting from one foot to the other nervously. His eyes widened as his brain processed what you said, and the cute sight in front of him. If he was being honest, it made his brain stop for a split second.

He chuckled at you and lifted you up by the back of your knees, holding you carefully to his chest, mindful of your full shirt. A small startled squeak coming from you as he did so, a sound he never got tired of hearing.

You glanced in the room as he closed to door, he had papers sprawled over the small coffee table in the middle of the room, and a few (you spotted more in the trash bin in the corner) empty food wrappers around his work space. He plopped down in front of the table again, taking only a few steps to reach it. You were kind of jealous, your short legs never being a fair match against his. Luckily he enjoyed carrying you, which solved that issue right quick.

"You can keep me company while I finish my homework." He says, shifting you into his lap and keeping a loose hold on your lower stomach, fingers splaying out to get a small feel of your exposed skin. Glancing around, you dont see belphies mop of hair in his bed, he was probably sleeping in the attic or the observatory, you quietly hum to yourself, abit happy to have Beel all to yourself for the moment. Shifting forward, Beels hands refusing to let you go and setting on your waist, you hold your shirt above the edge of the table, and let the snacks spill from your shirt before smoothing the garment back down, missing Beels frown as he looses sight of your tummy. Quickly moving to organize the snacks a bit, so that they were within reach and not scattered all over his papers and in the way.

"Thank you, your the bestest!!" You say, the dull ache in your arms more than worth the effort in your opinion.

You tilted your head back so you can look up at him. Making eye contact with him made your brain kinda just...mush. Your hands slowly squeezing his on your waist, lifting them so you move a bit.

You tore you gaze from his, before turning around and wrapping your arms around his nack and your legs around his torso,(like a koala in his opinion).

Scooting as close as you could get away with, (your not as stealthy as you give yourself credit for, he knows, he just too nice to tease you for it, and he doesn't want you to stop), so you could snuggle up to him and be comfy at the same time. Which wasn't all that hard to do with him, being the teddy bear he is.

Your eyes glazed over slightly, and you were distracted as you mind pulled your attention away.

Ah, you were in pure bliss, you could die happy like this~

You had grabbed plenty of snacks, being sure to vary in your choices, knowing Beel would like to have options, and hoping to be able to buy some extra time with him and a cute Beel smile as a reward for your effort. Tho, youd do it anyways.

Not that you'd ever admit to that. Nuh uh, no way. Unless he asked nicely, you'd give in embarrassingly fast if he ever did, the realization making your face heat up.

But...

Embarrassment be damned, youd never tell Beel 'No'.

He looks down at you, face going all blushy and soft at your slightly dazed and flushed expression. Your thoughts getting the best of you for a moment. Shaking your head slightly and letting out a resigned sigh.

"Of course you can," you snap out of it when he speaks up, looking up at him, quick to give him your full attention. "I love when you cuddle up with me, it helps me focus a bit. You didn't have to bribe me, though, as long as its you, my cuddles come free-" wrapping his arms around your shoulders, giving you a snug hug, he moves to continue. "Not that I'm complaining-" you cut him off, feeling slightly guilty about it. You were already flustered, and his sweet words weren't helping your predicament one bit. That was until your eyes actually focus on his face, oh sweet hell, hes so precious!!! Your heart thumps nearly painfully for a moment, nerves biting into your thoughts.

Your face was definitely beat red now, you could feel it at the tips of your ears even. Yet you refused to move, your eyes locked on his. A rare occurrence, one you could tell he was basking in, his eyes were glued to your face, studying it. His flush deepening slightly.

Squishing his cheeks and "shushing" him gently. Your basically cooing at him, to tired suddenly to care much about how your words or actions came off. The nervousness slipping away from your voice and movements. "Its not a bribe hun, I just felt like seeing you smile before I fell asleep on you. Heh, your smile is my goodluck charm for good dreams, ya know?" You tiredly rub his cheek with your thumb, eyes lit up happily and content. Giving him a small breathless laugh at the end.

He really did calm you down, your mind slowing down as the excitement started to fade, a fact you became overly aware of quite suddenly, your eyes feeling quite heavy now that you felt safe.

You yawned, your weariness catching up to you.

Beels quick to notice, taking note of the bags under your eyes. Dont worry, he'll make sure you get some good sleep, no bad dreams were gonna plague you on his watch. He glances over at the snacks you brought, unbelievably happy. Seeing you so cutely curled up to him, the fact that you brought him as much food as you could carry(a sight he nearly died from when he saw it) and your sweet sweet words, it definitely warmed his heart to say in the least.

He loved that you actually came to find him, just so you could cuddle. His adoration for you is bottomless, just like his hunger.

So, Beel wraps you inna big bear hug, pulling you closer and peppering the top of your head and face with kisses. He gives you a big grin, his eyes sparkling happily. "Nap, I'll wake you up when I'm done and we can hangout till dinner."

You tiredly nod, relaxing against him.

Grabbing a baggy of chips, he smooches your forehead, before tucking your face under his chin so he could munch, and see his work(not like that was much of an issue, beels a big boy after all👀), without completely covering the top of your head in crumbs (you'd told him you didn't mind, especially since he always ruffled your hair to get then out, and you loved that...but he still feels bad about it and tries to avoid it to some extent) and being able to rest his chin on top your head was just the cherry on top for him.

💗Happy beel mode activated💗

Sighing happily, you close your eyes. Beels cuddles making all your stress melt away, just like they always did. Slowly, you start to drift off, listening to the soft scratch of his pen as he starts to work and his deep breathing, letting it lull you into sleep.

I dont know why my brain wanted me to got all out on this. I literally jus couldn't stop tweaking with it. Imma post if before i decide to change it. Imma just conveniently forget i wrote this now, maybe ill like it more after a week or two... :/ also if theres any spelling or grammar issues plz tell me, its like 2am rn so im sure i missed something

[skywalkersthelimit]

Okay so I'm super nervous to post this but I wrote this one-shot for the #trikey fandom. Ive had this idea for awhile but I finally got around to writing it. It's based off the song Lips of an angel by Hinder. I think its perfect for Michael and Trevor lol so please let me know what you think and I hope you enjoy!

Honey, why are you calling me so late?

It’s kinda hard to talk right now 

Honey, why are you crying, is everything okay? 

I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud 

Michael woke up to his phone ringing on his bedside table. He knew who it was before he even looked. He didn’t know how or why because it could have been a number of people. He reached over and grabbed the phone. His eyes squinted from the bright light. Trevor. He was both glad and disappointed he was right but he supposed he might have willed it to be. His thoughts had been filled with his crew mate, best friend and sometimes more, but that was before Amanda and the kids. Well that wasn’t entirely true. Every time they went on a job together, they fell into each other as soon as they were alone in their hotel room. Michael just couldn’t help himself. 

It had been a few months since he had seen Trevor though. He tried to put distance between them. He knew that Trevor had a hard time just sleeping together on occasions and understanding Michael had a family to go home to. Michael wanted nothing more than for his friend to be happy but he just couldn’t be the one to give it to him.

He stared as the phone rang and debated answering but he pictured Trevor’s face the last time he had seen him with tears rolling down his face, begging Michael to stay. His heart clenched and he answered.

“Hello?” he whispered. He looked over at Amanda still sleeping. He had to be quiet. He didn't want to wake her and have her find out who he was talking to. He didn’t feel like fighting tonight. 

“Hey." Trevor’s voice rang out on the other side of the phone. 

“Jesus, Trev. Do you know what time it is?” He flinched as the words left his mouth. He didn’t mean to sound upset but he did. 

Trevor laughed dryly. 

“Oh I’m sorry, Princess. Am I interrupting your beauty sleep? I thought I might call my best friend who hasn’t talked to me in months” he said coldly. 

“Trevor, if you want to talk you can call and you can call during the day.” Amanda moved next to him. He had to be quiet. 

“Works both ways. If you wanted to talk you would have called. But you didn’t.” His voice cracked and ended in a broken sob. Michael hated himself a little more. 

“T, why are you crying? Is everything okay?” he whispered. He wished he was there with Trevor right now. He would pull him into his arms and hold him until the tears stopped like he always did. 

“Speak up M. I cant hear you" 

“I have to be quiet or I’ll wake up-" he let his sentence go unfinished, trying to be careful not to set T off. 

“Ah, of course. Wouldn’t want to wake the Mrs. I’ll let you go." He could hear the anger, the jealousy, the sadness, and the pain in Trevor’s voice. 

“No!” he said rather loudly. He snapped over to look at Amanda, who just turned over on her side away from him. He sighed. “Don’t go. Just- Hang on.” He got out of bed quietly and snuck out the room. He grabbed his cigarettes off the counter and sat down on the couch, lighting one up and taking a deep inhale and exhale. He wasn't supposed to smoke in the house, but fuck it. 

Well, my girl's in the next room

Sometimes I wish she was you

I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name

It sounds so sweet

Coming from the lips of an angel

Hearing those words - it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye

But, girl, you make it hard to be faithful

With the lips of an angel

“Now tell me what’s going on, Trev. I can't be too loud. Mandy and the kids are in the other room asleep" he explained. 

“I-I don’t know. I just needed to hear your voice.” Trevor replied quietly, his voice soft and tight like he was trying to stop himself from crying. Michael wondered what had him so upset. He had heard he had a boyfriend of sorts from Lester and apparently they’ve been doing jobs together for L since Michael saw T last. When L told him, he saw red. He got wasted and wound up outside screaming and crying at the night sky. Trevor was his, but he wasn't and he never would be. He didn’t want to but he hoped Trevor was calling to tell him he left that guy and to ask when Michael was coming back to work, to him. There was also a chance Trevor was calling because he was drunk and cranked out. Either due to said guy or something else or even for the hell of it. He might be in trouble or lying somewhere drugged out.

“Is it that guy you’re with?” Michael realized how incredibly jealous he sounded but maybe he was. Maybe he missed being on the road, never staying in one place too long. Maybe he missed the thrill of the job, and maybe he missed looking over in the middle of a heist and grinning at Trevor who was grinning just as hard back. Maybe he missed pulling Trevor into a hard kiss as soon as their hotel door shut and having the most passionate nights of his life, and then falling asleep in his lover’s arms. Maybe he even missed the times they just sat on the bed and talked for hours about any and everything. Maybe sometimes he wished it was Trevor who was in the other room, waiting for him to come back to bed. 

“How-how do you even know about that?” Trevor asked, sounding surprised. 

“Lester.” 

“Of fucking course. Well not that it’s any of your business but he's asleep. It ain’t like he’s my boyfriend or anything. You know I ain’t they settling type. There’s only one exception. Fuck. I miss you, Mikey.” He sobbed. 

“Trev-" 

“It's okay. I understand. It’s just so good to hear your voice, Mikey.” There goes that nickname again. A nickname only Trevor called him. A nickname that sounded so sweet coming from Trevor’s lips. Like an angel. A fallen angel maybe. 

“It's really good to hear your voice too T. Mikey. That’s a name I haven't heard in awhile” he said fondly. 

“What, too good to be called Mikey anymore?” T said annoyed. 

“No, not at all. Although you are the only one who calls me that, but I like it.” He felt his cheeks flush and his heart flutter as he spoke. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. Now tell me what’s going on please."

“When are you gonna do a job? It’s been months. We miss you out there. I miss you. I-I need you, Mikey. Please come back to me. I can't stop thinking about you. You haunt me every waking moment, and even in my dreams. Do you dream of me?” Hearing those words made Michael feel weak. He almost told Trevor he was on his way, grabbed his car keys and left without a second thought, but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t leave his children. He might do a few jobs now and then but he wouldn’t choose that life over them. No matter how bad he craved it, craved him.

It's funny that you're calling me tonight

And, yes, I've dreamt of you too

And does he know you're talking to me?

Will it start a fight?

No, I don't think she has a clue

“Trevor, I-I want to be there. You know I do, but I got Tracey and Jimmy to think about, but I think about you too. All the time. Especially lately. It’s funny you called. And yeah, I’ve dreamt of you too T.” He didn’t know why he was being so open about this, about whatever it was between them, but hearing how broken Trevor sounded and how it matched how he felt inside, he knew they both needed to hear it. To hear that Michael cared about him, that he missed Trevor just as much as he missed him. 

“Oh yeah? What’d you dream about, cowboy?” he asked and Michael could picture his thick eyebrows wagging. He laughed, genuinely laughed. Something he hadn’t done since the last time he saw Trevor. 

“It wasn’t like that. Well not all like that.” Now it was Trevor’s turn to laugh. 

“Tell me.” He told Michael. 

“We were in a nice house, our house. We were happy.” He whispered, afraid of the way his dream made him feel. He didn’t want to dream of Trevor, of their future that would never be. He wished he could let Trevor go, but he didn’t think he ever fully would. 

“It doesn’t have to be a dream, Mikey. The kids can be in your life, our life.” Trevor pleaded. Michael had to change the subject before he agreed. 

“What about that guy you've been seeing? Does he know you’re talking to me? Won't he get mad?” 

"I told you he's not my boyfriend. I don't care if he gets mad, but no, he doesn't know I'm talking to you. He doesn't know anything about you except you're the great Michael Townley, expert thief. He actually wants to meet you." Trevor laughed dryly at that. "What about Amanda? Does she know you're talking to me? Does she know anything?" 

Does she know anything, meaning does she know when Michael goes away to work he all but forgets about her? Does she know that his nights with Trevor are filled with more passion than their whole marriage has ever seen? Does she know that Michael's heart will never fully belong to her?

"No, no I don't think she has a clue, Trev." He sighed. The guilt constantly ate at him and he tried so hard to be the husband she deserved, the father his children deserved, but he never would me. He belonged to the game, to Trevor, but it didn't matter. How he felt didn't matter, couldn't matter. He would push his feelings down to the bottom of his heart with a smile. 

"Mikey. I miss you so much. So much it hurts. I can't get you out of head, out of my heart. I've tried drugs and alcohol. I've tried fucking anyone in sight and even getting a wannabe you, but nothing works. I've tried telling myself you're better off with her, but you're not. You're miserable and so am I. Please just do the best thing for you, for us." He begged through sobs. Michael could hardly make out what he was saying.

He felt tears rolling down his face. He felt Trevor's words stab his soul. He tried to drown Trev out too. He drank so much even he was worried. He smoked several packs of cigarettes a day. He went to strip clubs almost every night and almost every time he brought one of the girls to his car or a hotel for a quick fuck. He just wanted to feel numb, to never know the pain of loving someone you could never be with. What was that saying? It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. He wasn't sure if he agreed, but inevitably he did. He would feel this pain a thousand times just to know what it was like to love and be loved by this man. What it felt like to lay in his arms as he rubbed his back and kissed his head. He couldn't give that up. He wasn't ready for that. 

"I'm gonna call Lester tomorrow and get a job set up. I'll let you know where to go. Everything will be okay. I'll see you in a few days. I promise. Okay?" 

"Yeah okay, but what about-" Michael cut him off. 

"We'll talk about everything then." He knew he was lying and Trevor probably did too. They both knew he would never be able to leave his family and that pretty little white lies would have to suffice them. 

"Okay Mikey, I'll see you in a few days. And you better show up" he threatened, half jokingly. 

"I'll be there, Trev. And Trev?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Next time call me during the day" he said chuckling. 

"Yes princess. See ya soon Mikey." He said before hanging up. 

Trevor just makes it too hard to be faithful and Michael was weak. 

[drunksugarskull]

Dating Sirius Black would include (or more like whole story of a relationship with him lol) ... Part 1

*some things are different from the events in books etc*

you met at the beginning of 4th year when you became a victim of one of the marauders' pranks

they didn't want to pull it specifically on you but it kinda happened

and oh god, they started a war

you pranked each other for around six months

one time James and Peter dug a hole near the lake the way you couldn't see it

it wasn't deep enough for you to fall completly in it but you tripped and badly scratched you arm

Sirius decided that it's enough, he wanted to end the pranks between you all and to apologize

his friends were surprised because they were sure that he doesn't know the word "apologize"

the next day he came up to you in the great hall during the breakfast

you were shocked cause you two have never really talked before

you both agreed that you should bury the hatchet

a few minutes later the rest of marauders came

talking with them was really nice and you guys met again at the lunch time

and the next day

and next

you can say that eating with them quickly became a tradition

but Sirius always was a few minutes before the rest so he could spend some time alone with you

not that you were complaining

marauders were teasing him non stop

few weeks after the last prank and day before the trip to Hogsmeade, Sirius approched you after lessons

"you know, i still didn't make it up for you for the pranks, soo... what do you think about some butterbeer tomorrow?"

and of course the next day you two were in the three broomsticks laughing like crazy over some stupid memories from your childhood or something like that

"one time i was pretending to be a dog and ate my dog's food. you should see my mum's face when she saw my dirty face and heard me barking"

you can't even imagine how hard Sirius was trying not to tell you about all the animagi stuff when he heard this story

from this day you and the marauders (but mostly Sirius ofc) were practically inseparable

after that you were sneaking around the castle or watching stars with Sirius almost every day

"see? I'm named after this one"

you loved talking with him, you could literally start a conversation about everything

he opened up to you about his family, his problems, some feelings and even about that he is an animagus

because of how much James wanted to be near Lily you were often spending time with her and quickly became best friends

one time you and Lily were talking about boys and she helped you realise that you have a crush on Sirius

but no one seemed to see it

at least not until one day

you walked into great hall for lunch and saw a girl flirting with him

let's say that you were a "little" mad and stormed out the room

Remus noticed

"i think your little crush's jealous"

Sirius didn't believe it, but he quickly stopped talking with the girl next to him

he gave you a note on potions

"meet me at the lake at 5?"

you met and there was an akward silence between you

you couldn't take it anymore

you just blurted out that you have a crush on him

he didn't say a word so you started apologizing because you felt like you just ruined your friendship

and then he kissed you

"ok, now shut up and let me tell you something"

he told you about how long he had to hide his crush for you and how he couldn't handle it anymore

"does this mean that you're my boyfriend now?"

so yeah, that's how you became a couple

the next day Sirius was telling everyone how he asked you to be his girlfriend but you just rolled your eyes because that ofc wasn't they way your conversation went

but you let him say whatever version he wanted cause you saw how happy it made him (and probably Sirius and Remus made a bet about who will ask out the other one first so you let Sirius win)

EVERY SINGLE GIRL IN HOGWARTS WAS JEALOUS OK

and you couldn't blame them because let's face it - Sirius was hot af and he really was a charmer

you were the power couple of hogwarts

even McGonagall was happy about you

marauders teasing you both on a daily basis

holidays came and you had to go home

you were sending each other letters as often as you could

one time you wrote that you really missed him and he appeared the next day in your living room after using floo powder

he did it a few times in the first month and wanted to do it over whole vacations but his parents noticed that he is sneaking out and scolded him

you knew that his parents were unpredictable and you were really worried so you told him not to do it

but he is Sirius Black so of course he did it anyways

at the end of holidays he asked if he can stay at your house

your parents agreed

when he arrived he had an ugly bruise under his eye and you knew that longing for you wasn't the only thing that made him stay here

you were mad that you couldn't do anything about his situation

your parents knew that Sirius was a troublemaker but they fell in love with him

"i wish he could stay here longer"

you went back to hogwarts and the madness begun again

you had o.w.l.s this year so you were constantly stressed out

but Sirius was always there, he understood that you wanted to study but was looking after you so you didn't overwork yourself

he gave you back massages when you were tense

once you were both studying (wow) and you fell asleep in his bed

you woke up with a black dog laying near your legs

"there wasn't enough space on the bed so..."

you were always impressed by his transfiguration skills so he often changed just to see your face expression

your mum knew that there was a lot of bad blood between Sirius and his parents so she often wrote letters to him so he wouldn't feel so alone when everyone got their post

you wanted to help Remus during the full moon but Sirius said that there is no way that you are doing something so dangerous

so you were just prepering lots of chocolate for Remus because you knew that it made him feel better

Sirius is really overprotective

one time you cut yourself slightly with scissors and he took them away from you because he thought it's to dangerous lol

he always gives you his leather jacket so you won't be cold, takes care of you when you are sick or on your period

"i wouldn't have signed up for this if i knew that i have to take care of another person turning into a monster once a month"

now Sirius was the one prepering chocolate

Peter once said that Sirius looked more tired after taking care of you during one day of your period than when he did after the full moon

but he was only joking

at least you hoped so

but Sirius couldn't blame you anyways

you rarely argued

at some point of the fight one of you always yelled something like "are you serious?" and we all know how it ended

so yeah, you never stayed mad at each other for longer than thirty minutes

one time you pretended to be upset with each other just so Lily and James could together try to make you and Sirius talk again

they didn't know about your little plan

that's how they eventually ended up together

you went on double dates but you wanted to spend some time alone with Sirius so you stopped it after a few times

Sirius and you were still stargazing every single night

"i want to stay like this forever"

your parents invited Sirius for Christmas

he was extremely happy because he didn't want to go home or stay alone at Hogwarts

you gave him a new leather jacket and he gave you a promise ring

"one day i will give you an engagement ring but for now have this"

let's be honest you did cry "a little"

ofc he gave small gifts to your parents and vice versa

everything was amazing until you found Sirius awake on the couch in the middle of the night

he looked like he just stopped crying

you saw that he is holding a watch that he sent to Regulus for Christmas

Sirius just looked at you with eyes full of tears and you hugged him as tight as you could

"he sent it back and wrote that he doesn't want it because it's from me"

James was throwing a party on New Year's Eve and you obviously were invited

you shared kiss with Sirius at midnight

what a great way to start a new year

[thatgirlonstage]

(OH MY GODS YOU CHANGED YOUR THEME) Ahem, I would like to request a TGCF mermay fic with either Hualian or the Earth & Wind masters, dealer's choice ^^ inspiration word: tradition. I'm really excited you're doing these again, they're always so cute!!

Who knew I was this ready to write mer-creature!Hua Cheng fic? Not fuckin me that’s for sure

So uhhhhhhhhhh to say I went overboard (pun always intended) with this fic would be... an understatement... Look I don’t know, I had an idea and then it was 3:30AM and there were several thousand words involved and then I went to bed and woke up and wrote MORE words. So. Here’s the plan. I’m gonna post down here the actual like, nice fluffy postcanon scene that actually fills this prompt and if you just want to read that then that’s totally fine lol it SHOULD stand on its own, I think, and you definitely did not send this request to have me write you nearly 5k bizarro mercreature canon rewrite (￣ー￣；

But I’ve posted the whole thing on Ao3 for you or anyone else who is interested in whatever the FUCK my brain got up to last night.

Anyway.

———

Hua Cheng closed his eyes as he leaned back against the edge of the bath, Xie Lian’s fingers working his scalp as he washed his hair. His tail glimmered under the water. He used to hate this room, to avoid it at all costs the same way he avoided the sea, and to hate to let Xie Lian see his tail. But bit by bit, like coaxing a cat, Xie Lian had persuaded him to try, to join him, to let him wash his hair — and after all, Hua Cheng was helpless to refuse whatever Xie Lian wanted, especially if it was so simple as to join him in the bath. Now it was a nightly ritual. Xie Lian leaned over him and pressed a kiss to Hua Cheng’s forehead, humming in contentment. His fingers ran slowly down the strands of Hua Cheng’s hair, gently prying apart tangles. Hua Cheng heard him giggle and cracked open his eye.

“What is it?” he asked. Xie Lian blushed.

“Your tail,” he said. “Your fin does a little— this little flick when you’re happy.” He demonstrated with his hand. “It’s cute.” He pressed another kiss to Hua Cheng’s forehead, this time to the edge of one of the crimson scales just over his missing eye.

“I’m glad Gege is amused,” he said wryly. He settled back between Xie Lian’s legs, gaze towards the ceiling. “Gege?”

“Hmm?”

“Would you do something for me?”

Xie Lian’s fingers stilled. “Anything,” he said earnestly.

“You know the sea and I don’t… get along,” he said. “But while I was looking for you, I would go, once a year and… ask if the sea had seen you.” He swallowed. “It was the most we’d… talked, if that’s the right word for it, since I left.” He turned to face Xie Lian, catching one of his hands and holding it gently. “I want to tell the sea that I found you.”

Xie Lian’s eyes were so warm, Hua Cheng reflected. His gaze conveyed more affection than most people’s embrace. Xie Lian leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips.

“Of course, my love.”

Send me two characters + an inspiration word before May 31st for a mermay fic, or request a continuation of one I’ve already written! (But oh please god don’t expect me to do another 5k one this was absolutely a fluke)

(oh and PS I changed my theme bc the last one had started like, reversing posts on me??? Like textposts were showing up in reverse order. Also I hated that it italicized the text from anything except the most recent addition to a text post, especially since I post fic a lot)

[shyanlibrary]

Hey there, I'm in the mood to be absolutely destroyed by some sad shit, so can you please give me some good, angsty tearing-my-fucking-heart out shyan fic recs? Give me as many as you have. I'd be very grateful (and hopefully devastated at the end of it heh)

Welcome to Sad Town, everyone ~ Please note that most of these either have Major Character Death warning or no Happy Ending.

The Body That Lies by Lafayette1777

Summary: Ryan is dead and haunting Shane. Because he misses him, of course.

But also to prove a point.

Rated: Not Rated (T)

Commentary: Ah, that beautiful Major Character Death that makes you wish you were the one dead. This fic destroyed me since the first time I read it and it’s also my favorite ghost story in the fandom. Like– we got some really good stuff with the AU, but this one is– like, kind of, the most realistic and human I’ve read so far.

It gives you a grief that resonates with you, your soul, it breaks your heart and makes you cry. It takes you from the extraordinary beginning to the human ending, and it makes you believe at the end. It’s wonderful.

contrapposto by spoopyy

Summary: Ryan works in a museum. Shane doesn’t understand art. They fall in love.

Rated: T

Commentary: Listen, if you wanna die, this is ya fic. Before I read it, I kept seeing in tumblr that it was the best story in the fandom, and when I finally found it while reading all the fics, I didn’t even look at the summary, the tags, the anything, I just went directly to read it.

Boy. Did that one scene that is gonna kill you destroyed me nicely.

I’m still not over this fic and I will never be. It worked me out in ways no story had before and it made me sob like a motherfucker. Never sobbed this much while reading a fanfic before, holy shit.

we dream of storms by adenophora

Summary: Ryan has the lighthouse, and he has the sea. He’s adapted to the solitude, even if he wasn’t built for it. And then there’s Shane.

Rated: T

Commentary: Because I love suffering and being dead, this is actually one of my favorite fanfics in the fandom. If you read my comment on it, you’ll notice I spend days thinking about it and overthinking about what it meant and the imagery of it. Hell, I even though– you know, that’s a spoiler. So. Read and come talk to me about it.

Dance Till You Drop by wheezebaby

Summary: In which Shane and Ryan are 16th-century painters, and Shane has a knack for dancing.

Rated: M (But it’s actually more like T)

Commentary: Based on that one time people dance until they died, this fic explores Shane and Ryan’s relationship in a very interesting way– it’s very well written, the historic background of it it’s well done and reserched, an interesting piece to read. I second this rec.

but i’m still here, i hope you know by BooyahFordhamYacht

Summary: he always wanted to get lost in it. that deep dark sea of believing in something more. he wanted to feel the surge of the waters accepting him, wanted to understand what was so addictive about it. shane never realized the price he’d have to pay to be pulled under the surface into the cold, unforgiving roaring swells of the ocean.

AN: so i promised some commenters on for you to be happy and loved that i would write some happy shyan after that heartbreak. This… this is not that. This may actually be worse. Don’t read if you don’t feel like crying.

Title from Keaton Henson’s amazing song Alright. Go listen to it and cry if you want.

Rated: T

Commentary: This author is fantastic, they write a world you can understand and imagine in such a poetic way, you are going to be sobbing from the start to the bottom. The way they describe grief is just… Man, this is good, this is very good. Kinda not very happy with Sara, though; I feel very sorry for her in this fic. Also, of course– Major Character Death. But with an S. This doesn’t have a happy ending.

Nana by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: I sat with you beside your bed and criedFor things that I wish I’d said

You still had your nose red

And if I live past seventy-two, I hope I’m half as cool as you

Ryan is ready.

Rated: Not Rated (I’ll say T)

Commentary: This should be rated DEATH FOR YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, because is a soul-destroyer fic. Dude, the ending. Dude, be prepared.

for another life time by Hugabug

Summary: "I’m scared.“

“Never. You were always brave for the both of us.”

Rated: G

Commentary: Also known as I Love Death And Being Dead, this fic killed me in the most amazing way. It’s as sweet as it is sad at the beginning, you will love it if your thing is to hurt but always end with a big smile.

Big God by fuckcitybitch

Summary: The time comes for Shane to stop running and reap what he carelessly sewed.

Rated: T

Commentary: More than angst, this is pure horror and fear, and that’s exactly why it will destroy your soul. It has NO happy ending, Major Character Death, horror, dead babies, all you need to not sleep and cry like a baby. 

But for real, what a wonderful story. It’s so well done, so well writen. I love this author, they are one of the bests and this fic is just incredible.

Metacommunication by americanchemicals

Summary: Communication is important in any relationship. Metacommunication, or communicating about communicating, was equally as important. Because when there are misunderstandings, things quickly go downhill.

Rated: T

Commentary: Dear Lord, the angst in this one is just damn frustrating. So many things could had been avoided with better communication... and it’s so good to read... these two grown ass men being idiots in love... it hurts so much. Love this fic.

You Are on the Fastest Available Route by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: “It’s in the light.“

[Based on the Local 58 YouTube Series]

Rated: T

Commentary: BOY. I fell in love with this fanfic. It may seem weird for some people, it may get scary at some point (hint: it fucking is), but there’s something so incredible about it. It’s everything, I guess. This fanfic is the kind of stuff I would put my students to comment on Creative Writing Workshop, it’s THAT good.

when the tide comes by AnastasiaYu

Summary: the disappearance of ryan bergara.

Rated: T

Commentary: To quote Luke Skyalker, “this is not going to end the way you think”. This is… so sad. The ending is, wow, one of my favorites. The original ending. Althought the second ending is also good. But the first! So sad! So good!

may i say i loved you more by luntian

Summary: He felt Ryan’s warm palm on his shoulder. By then he knew he couldn’t lie anymore.“I—well, uh…” Shane inhaled deeply, “Promise me you’ll believe.

”Ryan was puzzled, but he nodded almost immediately.

After a long pause, Shane finally continued, “I’m not human.”

“What?” Ryan whispered. His eyebrows furrowed.

“Well, I was human, then—and then I died.” Ryan stared. Shane realized he was making no sense. He sighed, “Okay, listen. I am an angel.” Shane glanced at Ryan, trying to see his reaction but he saw no expression on his face. “I was sent on Earth to, uh, complete some mission.”

“You’re an alien?!”

“I’m an angel!”

/or/

Shane is an angel with a time limit. And a boyfriend.

Rated: Not Rated (T)

Commentary: Angel Shane AU that for a second seems to be all happy– then it’s not. I cried a lot.

we match by hugabug

Summary: “I love you in grey.“

Rated: G

Commentary: Now, this is pure pain. Someone dies. The other one is left old and sad. I fucking cried.

and he takes and he takes by cooliohoolio

Summary: Shane wants to say I will be dead within the next year. He wants to say the flowers in my lungs are there because of you. He wants to say I’m in love with you and it’s killing me.

Rated: Not Rated (T)

Commentary: Hanahaki is always the real deal here, it’s 100% suffering and in this fandom, it always ends sad. And ironic. This fic in particular writes the ficitonal condition as something more than it usually is, it uses it in a poetic way that allows to explore the depth of Shane’s feelings and also allows us to die a little bit more with each word. Such a great fanfic, so well writen, so well characterized, so well peppered with the best kind of angst.

I Miss You by KnittingGuru1984

Summary: Shane had never believed in the supernatural. That was Ryan’s department. When Ryan is suddenly taken from him in an accident, Shane has his life turned upside down.

Rated: G

Commentary: Oh, this one is hard to take. It’s sad, it really is. And it doesn’t end well either, it’s… also kinda scary. The ending gave me the chills because… oh God. You gotta read it, I’m not spoiling it, lol.

with shortness of breath (you explained the infinite) by hugabug

Summary: "Shane?”

“Y-Yeah?”

“Why won’t you look at me?”

Rated: T

Commentary: Part of this series that literally estroyed my life, in this one we… we find out how those five years of Shane alone started. Man. It is freakin’ sad.

But if it’s Not Right (What Can I Do?) by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: Ryan Bergara, host of True Crime on Buzzfeed Radio, attracts the wrong person’s attention.

A twisted version of Pichiba’s radio!au.

Rated: T

Commentary: I LOVE FUCKED UP SHIT, and this one is one of the bests in the fandom. For real, I love this AU and I love how well Joey wrote the sick part of it all. The ending just jfbnfdinfir gave me the chills, it’s damn amazing.

Oblivion by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: Tragic consequences typically follow when a god falls in love with a human. Typically…

Based on the comment:“My theory is that Shane is the devil and was just super bored. Then one day he chanced upon a poor scared Ryan and thought “this is pretty fun” and now follows him to supernatural sights to have a giggle at his expense. But that’s also why they never capture anything on video, because the evil spirits and demons know Shane for who he really is and are too afraid to mess with him.”

Rated: M

Chapters: 3/3

Commentary: This fic means a lot to me. It has been one of my favorites for a long time and I feel like I’m going to love it forever. Because it has such a powerful feeling to it and the way they are characterized and put together in this fic is very unique and original, and no fic will ever top it. It deserves all the love, my man, it’s incredible.

[ellaintrigue]

Spring depresses me, I can't help it. For some reason I'm already feeling the gloom of traumaversaries of early summer and my grandmother died in April. The daffodils remind me of her death. Her death did not traumatize me but it is still a dark memory, her laying gasping on a hospital bed, connected to tubes.

2016 was crazy. After my long-term partner attacked me and I left him I was scared to date again between that and the fact that it had been 3 years. I was still reeling when I dipped my toes back into the dating scene months after the fact. I dated a handful of men that year and I met Jeff that September. If I died tomorrow you could probably say that Jeff was the so-called love of my life. Lol my life with men has been so crazy. But one time I just dated a guy, just like that. No white trash fights, no drama at all.

One time I just dated a guy...

Dothan, Alabama.

I started talking to him in Spring of 2016 and we interacted for about 2 months. He was living in Richmond, Virginia or we would have met up a little sooner rather than waiting that long. Richmond is a hike from Ocean City but I figured if we hit it off we could meet up in lower Virginia where mom was too. Things were going really well, it wasn't about sex, as that was never my style. This man was going to college part-time while working for a pipeline company. We talked about long-term goals as he was also open to moving. He appeared kind, funny, romantic, and sincere.

He would send me videos of him singing my favorite country songs, which melted my heart. He wasn't a brown nose but was an all around wholesome guy, no overkill. No bad temper, no signs of instability. Normal. Drop dead handsome but an average life.

Couldn't even call him a fuckboy because that wasn't what it was about and there was no taking from me. No sex-based motives, there simply wasn't room for that between the distance and time invested. So, as I said, I dated a guy. I didn't get used, or played. And you know, even if you do, that's not strange, it's explained at least.

Then. Then things got weird. A couple of months after we met up, he just disappeared. Gone on all formats. Well, that was hurtful as we had built a connection. And you always wonder, what did I do wrong? I wrote him off as being a flake and moved on. Maybe he met another chick, he was younger than me (24 in 2016) and men truly don't mature as fast as women. I digress. I met Jeff.

One morning in 2018 I let out a little scream. He had sent me a friend request on Facebook, although he never knew my name on there. He told me that in 2016 he was on a backhoe at work, it fell into a hole or something and he went flying, caving his skull in. He had brain damage, was in a coma, and had a hard time remembering many things when he came back with it. He said he didn't get his cellphone back as it was a company phone so he no longer had my number. He couldn't remember or access his email or anything. He even had trouble remembering me but posted an ad in Craigslist's Missed Connections trying to find me.

I was glad to hear from him again but a sense of gloom engulfed my stomach. One time I met a guy online and he told me his cousin shot him with a shotgun while they were drunk. He said they all passed out and when he woke up he was mad the blood had ruined his Tommy Hilfiger bedding. Of course, I laughed, that was such a bullshit story. But he became a good friend and I met up with him and started hanging out. One day I saw the deep pitted and mangled scarring all over his arm from where he was shot and saw it was true.

Unfortunately that was a rarity and people still lie. So I asked Dothan, can I see a medical statement? A scar? Anything? Nope, nope, and nope. He never kept any of the paperwork and his hair covered the scar. he sent me a picture of the top of his head, nothing. He didn't get the reception he expected.

There are women that fake pregnancies then say they miscarried and people ask, where is the proof? What did your doctor say? Why was there never an ultrasound? They give them lie detectors and they lied. I'm sorry you are saying you experienced a life changing event and I do not believe you, but why would I if there's no proof?

Again, I just dated a guy. A special guy to me. And he disappeared. That would have been fine but when he came back and tried to play me like a fool, it wasn't. When he did that it was the same as if he were to say, "ha ha ha ha I think you're just a dumb bitch." He didn't seem mentally disturbed, he seemed conniving. And for what?

He disappeared again after that, and this time all of his remaining accounts followed, including his Smule which was active when we dated. Not a trace of him was to be found except when you looked up his name, which was indeed real. I tracked him into Nashville via record searching and then I stopped in 2019.

Gone is gone and done is done but what he did sets a good example of how people will manipulate and hurt you, simply because they can. And that is something I won't let go because he isn't the only one. There are more out there waiting for the next fly.