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alilobsessive · 2 months ago

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Dreaming of Teeth

When experiencing great trauma the human brain will do anything to keep itself functioning, even to the detriment of the other body parts. The harm to your body doesn’t matter, just that the brain feels safe. For every human this can function in many ways, over eating, under eating, over sleeping, daydreaming and in your case alcoholism. You aren’t unaware that your coping mechanisms are dangerous, especially in a city like Gotham. But you can’t bring yourself to care, you’ll take anything then the anger and sadness that courses through your brain when you have time to think. So you indulge in your vices, even if they will lead you to an early grave.

You have done a great job at it too, of course that is until coming home from a party you run into one of the many people you prayed you would never see again. One of your many, many siblings.

I just wanted to see a Batfam and Neglected! Reader fic we’re Reader had AWFUL coping mechanisms when dealing with their trauma.

Tw: Prominent OC usage, unreliable narrator but it’s not super obvious, Under aged drinking, Canon Typical Child Death (Jason), Canon Typical Child Undeath (Jason), Not Canon Typical Child Death (Unnamed Child OC), slight sexual content with unnamed character at the beginning, implied criminal activity, mention of organ harvesting, referenced underaged smoking, unspecified criminal activity, implied homelessness, references to drugs and sex but no actual drugs and sex, okay there is weed smoking, child abandonment, spousal abandonment, child neglect, spousal neglect, cheating, references to Red Hood typical murderers and the people who are usually his victims(rapist, traffickers you know the drill). Probably more things I haven’t realized count as tw or forgot to add. Idk I went into a fugue state at 10pm and when I came to it was 4am and I wrote a good chunk of this. Then spent like two weeks editing this, there might be some spelling and grammar errors, I am very dyslexic.

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Lights flashes around the room colorful and bright, your lips tangle with a strangers, back pressed against a wall. Arms wrapped around the neck of someone you have not met before today and someone who you will never see again after. Sitting next to you glancing over every few seconds is your roommate and while you would not call Phoebe your best she is your closest. The young woman isn’t as big of a fan of clubs and parties such as this one, but every night she dutifully comes. Just to make sure you’re safe in the dark Gotham streets. A sentiment you truly appreciate, a type of care and love you have never experienced before her.

You lightly moan as the stranger grinds against you, both your breaths smelling of alcohol. You’re brain muddled, only thinking about how good you feel. Dumb and giggling, not a worry to be had, just like you like it. But sadly before anything could go further, your phone's alarm went off, the most dreaded part of the night. A reminder that all this must be over, and responsibilities must come. With a wet pop as you separated from tonight’s partner and a whine of sorrow you reach into your jacket pocket for your phone, the drunken stranger takes this as an invitation to go for your neck. Leaving feather light kisses across it, with a small giggle you lightly push them back. They oblige with a whispered “aww come on baby” you feel nothing as they say this, but you desperately want to.

Turning off the alarm that normally is a loud blare, but with the mind numbing beat of the music, so loud you can feel it against the wall. With a pout and you whine out “I know” while looking up at them clearly disappointed. “I would love to stay with you longer” you would, you don’t want the buzz to go away. “But I have to go” reaching over next to yourself quietly, your roommate hands your glass over. It’s slightly warm from being lovingly guarded in her hands. You chug the rest of it down, the bitter sting as it goes down your throat a soothing balm to all your troubles, including leaving. “Aaw, at least call me later” they pout, with a drunken giggle and sweet voice “of course!” You say happily and once again press your lips against there’s. It’s a desperate thing, a reluctance to leave their grasp. But you pull away anyway, knowing that the second they put a hand back on your hips you’ll have to be pried off.

The alarm is a clear indication that that's not what sober you wanted. They wanted you out by 10, so you will be out by 10. Stumbling away and then turning back around to blow them another kiss, they wave back almost dreamily before being dragged away themselves by their own drunken friend. Neither of you have the other's phone number, let alone know each other’s name. Neither of you seem to notice or care. Phoebe is already at your side, quietly dragging you out of the club. Once you’re onto the sidewalk you slump onto her. “I wanted to spend more time there” you slur out with a pout, but she only rolls her eyes. The woman was definitely not dressed for clubbing of any kind. Clothing more like pajamas, not a speck of makeup on her face. Glasses perched against a crooked nose that never quite set right after something broke it. Despite Phoebe’s quiet and calm demeanor you can tell she’s anxious, just like you she has her own vices. Issues that she blocks away, but unlike you who drains your sorrows in booze, clubs and one night stands. The far more introverted women drains them in weed, blankets and porn.

“I know” she says softly ending it with your name and a sigh, “but we both have to be up by 6” responsibility, the thing you both hate. The two of you would rather be indulging, hiding from and blocking out the world. Doing nothing but having fun and pretending your issues don’t exist. But you can’t live without suffering, and suffer you must to keep a roof over your head’s, stomach’s full and wine flowing. She leads you to her car, a red mom van Phoebe’s had since before you became roommates two years ago.

But before you're even close enough to open it, you hear a voice, one you haven’t heard in years. He calls out the name of a dead man, almost surprised to see you. You turn to look at him, fear in your eyes at the name. The sight of him alone almost shocks you sober, if that’s even possible. Although it’s been several years since you saw him, you can instantly tell who you’re looking at. Phoebe looks at you confused, but says nothing, not recognizing the name, but understanding what your reaction means. Fear and dread curl up in your stomach, you want to cry, you want to scream. Why, why is one of them here, all you can do is stare at the man in front of you.

Your mother is a wealthy woman, married to an equally wealthy man. The Wayne family owned the biggest tech company in all of Gotham, making anything from cars to grappling hooks. Of course that’s not all they do, even before you were born they practically owned this city. Not just with there wealth, but with how many different types of pie’s they have there thumb in. Your mother loved your Father with all her heart, but Bruce Wayne didn’t love her back. It was well known he was a serial cheater, sleeping with and going out with as many other women as possible. He only married your mother because he needed to, it was to get the board of directors off his back. A wife was perfect to clean up his image, but that wasn’t what he desired. Instead of cleaning up his act and at least hiding his affairs he made them public. Your mother was left behind, neglected and humiliated every day. You were born a year into their marriage, how that even happened you don’t know, nor do you want to.

Neither of your parents loved you, even your mother, the person you were closest to, wanted as little to do with you as possible. The small sympathetic part of you thinks she might have had postpartum depression, but the rest of you doesn’t care why she treated you that way. What she did to you was inexcusable. In your eyes at least. One day when you were three, something inside her snapped. You don’t know exactly what happened, maybe she found out about his secret. She loved Bruce after all, not Batman, finding out that the man you love is nothing but a parsons. The real personality, completely different, both more willing to live in a cave than with you would break anyone. Why she would love Bruce at all given his treatment of her you will never know, never truly understand.

So, that cold winter day you watched as your mother put on her favorite fur coat. How she packed her leather suitcases and anything else she had that could be used as a storage container. She handed you a photo kept safe inside a frame, one that would lead you on a wild goose chase for the next 13 years. It was when you were a baby, just born and sitting inside an incubator, born 3 weeks too early and far too small. You’re Father, staring at you with eyes you have never seen on him before and never will, at least not directed at you. Eyes full of love and affection, a look you will chase for far too long. Then she gave you a pat on the head with her gloved hand, you would follow close behind as she carried her bags and suitcases outside, your small body sat right next to the door as it was too cold and you weren’t dressed for the weather. You watched as she got into a car

and dropped off the face of the fucking earth.

It was like she was retconned out of existence, no traces of where she might have gone was found. You bet Batman could have found her, if he tried. A part of you hates that he didn’t, that he let her pack up her things, take her money and vanish without a trace, took a week before she was declared missing. She’s still a hot topic in true crime podcasts even 20 years later. That woman left you all alone, with a Father you only saw in pictures and a butler that pitted you. There was never love in Alfreds eyes, only pity that you must exist. He looked at your mother with those same eyes, it’s a miracle she hadn’t left sooner. She left you to sit alone with a desperate desire for their affection, something they never gave to you, but so happily gave to others.

Why didn’t she take you? Why didn’t she bring you with her? WHY-

You were 5 when Dick was adopted and not long later became Robin. He didn’t know what to do with you, he spent the first 13 years of his life an only child. He didn’t know how to handle a random 5 year old coming up to him and asking him to play. Tie that in and all his grief and anger at losing his parents, he wasn’t able to be a big brother, he didn’t want to be a big brother. But Dick isn’t cruel, he was polite and kind, but as distant as they come. In a way that was even more cruel.

Bruce loves Dick, maybe not in the way of a Father, closer to that of a much younger brother that suddenly became your ward after the untimely death of your parents. But it is love nonetheless, he took him to gala’s that you would never catch a glimpse of. To patrols, and crime scenes and fights, teaching him the best he could. But Bruce could barely look at you at dinner, if he did it was through you, not at you. How his loving eyes in that photo turned so cold in just a few short months, maybe even days or hours, you don’t know.

That’s exactly the reason you hated Jason, the two of you are much closer in age. He was 14 and you were 11 when he was adopted. It was at a tumultuous time, Dick just left being Robin after a falling out with Bruce, and you had just learned that your Father and brother were Batman and Robin. At first you didn’t get why Dick hated Jason, Jason was the kindest boy you had ever met. No he was the kindest person you had ever met, dispute living an awful life and having to go through nicotine withdrawals when he first moved in he always had a smile on his face. He never let his trauma get him down, or at the very least he never showed it to you. In your eyes he was one of the strongest people you had ever met, you never looked up to Dick quite like how you looked up to Jason the first month he was there. He talked to you, he went along with your games and silly stories, even came to your figure skating competition, he was the closest thing to an older brother you ever had.

That all came crashing down, the day you finally got it, understood Dick’s hatred. For the first time all three of you were in the same room and Bruce gave Jason that look, the look you’ve been striving for your whole life. In hindsight it made sense, who wouldn’t love Jason? All smiles and playful banter and an unending desire to help. But in your little 11 year old brain it felt like the greatest betrayal. You wanted nothing to do with him from that point on, ignoring him no matter how desperately he tried to talk to you. It got so bad that one day, you yelled at him and threw the closet thing next to you at him. You couldn’t remember what you threw but it didn’t really matter, Jason caught it with ease, although he clearly wasn’t expecting it, and you ran. The two of you very rarely interact after that. From what you overheard Bruce talking to Alfred, Jason was getting more violent. Although you couldn’t see it yourself, Jason was just the same as usual, and that love never left Bruce's eyes. He should be happy, he got everything you ever wanted, he was happy, or so you thought.

Then one day he ran away, on some stupid quest to find his birth mother. Why would he even want that when he had people that loved him right here? So what if they weren’t his blood, they were still his family. What did that get him? Both him and his bio mom getting murdered that’s what. You were so angry at him, he wasn’t even there for a full year and he was already gone forever? Just like that? You didn’t even get to say goodbye! You hated Jason, and you miss him so much. To this day your greatest regret is that you couldn’t reconcile, not that you have the balls too. Not once in your several chances have you done so.

Tim was next, you never cared for Tim and he never cared for you. The boy showed up out of nowhere, he’s the same age as you. First going to Dick and begging him to be Robin again, Batman needs a Robin after all. Instead of asking you, he went straight to becoming Robin. Not that Bruce would let you become Robin, and not like you had the desire to become what killed your brother. Tim was technically not a part of the family, but he stayed around so often he practically was. It took a long time for Bruce to love Tim, but he grew on Bruce like a fungus. You didn’t care about Tim, you weren’t desperate for his approval. All you wanted was your Father’s love, that he so freely gave out to everyone else. The man who so freely hurt both you and your mother in the most humiliating of ways, not even acknowledging your relationship with him.

You met Cassandra after Gotham was safe to come back to, thankfully before No Man’s Land

your whole grade was on a week long field trip out of the city. Unthankfully the executive order to activate No Man’s Land came on the first day of the trip. No one could go back home after that, for months a whole high school class was stranded. Many of the school students were members of the elite so they were quickly brought back to their families when they fled. But yours didn’t, you struggled as one of the many Gotham refugees. But dispute this, for the first time in years you felt alive. Admittedly your 16 year old self didn’t make the best choices. You didn’t have a credit card, any identification outside of the school ID, no access to Wayne money. So you did whatever you could to get by. You made friends with people you shouldn’t have been friends with, very quickly falling into the mindset of doing anything to get a quick buck. But being completely cut off from your family for the first time. It made you realize how little you needed them. No, how little you needed him.

So coming back to Gotham after several months was strange.16 years old and suddenly seeing everything so differently, how much of a fool you were for wanting your father's approval and several bad habits you still haven’t beaten to this day. The fact that while you were gone, they had replaced you with Cassandra, pissed you the fuck off. Of course it did, who wouldn’t be angry! But not at her, not anymore, you were mad at Bruce. You hated everything about him, about being reminded of him. But you still loved him, still wanted him to look at you, tell you to your face that he didn’t want you instead of avoiding you and pretending you didn’t exist. Maybe then you could finally move on, or maybe not, you’ll never know. Cassandra was here, just like Dick she was polite but could care less about you. Just like everyone’s favorite hero Nightwing, puller of the Hero community! Who could do no wrong even when he did, all of this pissed you the fuck off

and made you so, so sad.

So you drank and went to parties full of people you barely knew, and drank some more. Getting a fake id in Gotham isn’t that hard, nore was finding clubs that wouldn’t look at it with more than a glance. The hard part was finding ones that also wouldn’t sell your organs. Buy that point you were barely at the manor, barely at school, only just passing most of your classes, sleeping in as many as possible for a variety of different reasons. No one at home cared, not Bruce, not Dick, not Alfred and his stupid pitying face. Every day he gave you that same fucking look, like he was sad for you. If he truly cared he would have tried to help ages ago before you were even born. You wanted to punch that old man in the face, but you didn’t because everyone loved Alfred. He was like a grandfather to everyone else in the maner, even a slightly threatening glare would set them off.

School was a different story altogether. People card there, but most only cared to look down on you or make fun of you. Thanks to your Father's past treatment of your mother and the fact that you're rarely seen in public with them. It’s clear to a lot of people you're not favored, that does mean you’re not kidnapped for ransom every other week like most of your classmates. But it also means all the high society types don’t like you that much, they ignore you at best, openly mock and belittle you at worst. But at this point, you didn’t give a shit, you had entered the dreaded, edgy 16 years old ‘I’m a lone wolf’ faze. Which you would be stuck in for an even more embarrassing amount of time.

Of course as the child of a ‘superhero’ the world's greatest detective, yada, yada, yada, life can never stay peaceful. Or as close to a form of peace Mr. Edgy Too-Cool-For-School 17 year old self could grasp onto. No, in fact there superherodum infected your everyday life, of course it did, there were villains left and right. Honestly your superseded Gotham isn’t a ghost town with how much shit goes down here. But an underrated part of being a superhero is how many times someone can be killed and then raised from the dead. To the point that every time a superhero dies you aren’t surprised when they come back from the dead anywhere from a few months to years later.

For the first time in a long time though, you were surprised. There was man you don’t recognize in the manor’s living room, sitting on the couch, gaze glued to the floor looking deep in thought. Tall, muscular, and covered in scars. He looked like someone you would have worked under during No Man’s Land. Right before you can turn heel and leave, he looks at you, you look back. Face morphing in a mix of shock and fear, his own going from neutrality to his signature sunny smile that’s burned into your brain. Jason calls out the name of a soon to be dead man, with the same glee he did all those years ago. His voice having changed so much over the years. Instead of going to the brother you so deeply missed, who you never stopped mourning, regretting, guilting over. You do what you always do, what you’ve been doing for years in fun different ways

You run

Just like your mother before you, on a cold winter’s day you put on a jacket. Pack as many bags as you can carry, take all the money you saved up and leave. Just like your mother before you, Batman, Bruce Wayne, the man you both desperately craved the love and affection of for so many years. Never comes looking for you, none of them do not even Jason. You’re a coward, same as your mother. You will always be a coward, you have come to accept that fact. That you will never be strong enough to confront them.

Yet you can’t leave this city, you don’t have the heart to.

In a place like Gotham, no one glances twice at a teenager carrying lots of bags in the cold. You don’t look twice at them either. As quickly as you can, you change your name. Not just your last name, your whole name, first, middle and last. With no remnants of your Father and mother left, the Wayne you once were is dead. You are now a new person entirely, at least in a legal sense. Now your name is just yours not there’s, if only you could change more on a deeper, visceral level.

Life was tough, but it wasn’t anything you couldn’t handle, got help, made friends. Eventually finding your way into the shabby apartment you live in with your roommate, your closest friend. Now you’re living comfortably, compared to before at least. Of course someone had to fuck it up. We’re-we’re he- Jason, he stands right in front of you, okay not right, he’s a good 5 or so feet away, but it wouldn’t be hard for him to just walk closer. Fuck you haven’t seen anyone in that good forsaken family in person in 6 years! Now that you finally have everything together, finally have a decent life of your own. You’re biggest regret and shame stands right before you.

Phoebe takes a step in front of you trying to protect you from Jason. Like she can protect you from a muscular man twice her size, a former Robin no less, even if it was a short stint, even the most basic of training is fucking brutal. Jason looks amused at her reaction, clearly having the exact same thought. He calls that god damn name again, if you were sober, you would have probably pretended to not know who that is and say he got the wrong person. But you’re not, you’re drunk and scared, and that’s a recipe for disaster. “That’s not my name” you say quickly, but not steadily. “Wa-“ he looks at you confused, then he really looks at you, with the eyes not of an older brother running into their estranged sibling on the street. But as a trained detective, “are you drunk?” Jason asks in a mix of shock and concern. “That’s not-that’s none of your fucknn bugisiness” you slur out, definitely drunk but also panicking. Walking closer Jason continues to speak “I’m your older brother! You getting drunk and running around the dark streets of Gotham is definitely my business!” Instead of responding like a sane and rational person. You grab Phoebe by the arm and yell “GET IN THE CAR!” Then booking it to the car with your best efforts, Jason just stands there watching you, baffled.

Opening the door and shoving Phoebe in the front seat, she awkwardly crawls over to the driver’s side. You then slide in and slam the door closed, already aggressively shaking her saying “drive! drive! drive!” Increasingly panicked, before she can even properly get seated. She lightly shoo’s your hands away as she gets seated and pulls out her keys. Turning the car on and speeding away, both of you unaware that as she pulls away from the sidewalk Jason takes out his phone and takes a picture of her license plate. He put it back in his pocket with a sigh, now Jason was planning on letting you come back home on your own terms. He completely understands the desire to brood away from your family for several years because you’re mad at them. But after seeing that? Well it’s clear to Jason that if he doesn’t force you to come back you never will

and we can’t have that now can we?

Your appointment is small, two bedrooms both just big enough for a twin and a dresser. An open living room and kitchen, with a single cramped bathroom that can’t even hold a tub. The few windows all open to an alleyway with a fire escape that is barely up to code. One of the windows is boarded up, having been broken recently during a Batman chase sequence. The guys your landlord hired to fix it won’t be able to come for another week. Your couch looks like a possum had given birth in it, which might be true seeing as Phoebe stole it off the street with her old roommate before you came into the picture. The tv is so old it’s still a box and doesn’t get Netflix, not like either of you are subscribed to a streaming service. Pirating all the way! Compared to Wayne manor this place is a dump.

It’s perfect

Really most places would be considered a dump by Wayne manor standards. This has been the second nicest apartment you lived in since you moved out. And you don’t even feel like you’re mooching off the kindness of a sweet single mother and her 8 year old brat with this one! Currently your face is shoved into a pillow as you lay on the stolen possum nest. Phoebe stands by one of the windows, having opened it and leaning on the sill. You can hear a lighter being flipped on and off from we’re she’s standing. Then the smell of weed smoke fills your nose.

“So..” she begins “what the actual fuck was that” “I don’t want to talk about it” came your muffled reply. “No seriously what the fuck?” She said, you could hear her footsteps walking towards you. “Out the window!” You point behind your back to the general direction of the window. “Listen I’m all for ignoring your problems and keeping your dark past to yourself” she ignores your previous statement, her voice much closer than before. “But as your roommate I need to know the basics of what I’m working with here. That guy who looks like he works for The Penguin or some shit-“ “Penguin?!” You almost laugh out. “Ya! Like gang shit!” “I know but why The Penguin?” She sputters at that “I don’t fuckin know! He’s like on the top of my Gotham gang leader’s tier list!” “You have a tear list?? The Penguin is on the top of it??” You’re voice filled with a mix of amusement and confusion “We live in Gotham!” Is her defense “Of course I have a tier list!” Phoebe huffs.

You squirm onto your back, face still covered by the pillow. “Hold on, what level is Red Hood?” “He’s not on it, he’s a superhero.” She says it like it’s a fact, “he’s literally not though? He kills people” “please the only people he kills are rapists, abusers and human traffickers. Hero in my book- the point is I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that he’s not with the Joker-“ that sentence alone made you laugh for a minute straight. Phoebe stood there quietly smoking her cigarette as you cackled violently. Once calmed down you finally say “Jason would rather hunt him for sport then work for him. I can’t imagine any timeline where Jason works for the Joker. That would be so out of character for him.” She hums in acknowledgment. “So this guy- Jason- you’re brother- shows the fuck up out of nowhere, both of you shocked to see each other dead names you-“ “in his defense I changed my name after we cut contact” “right good on you Y/N” that statement made you lower the pillow from your face and onto yours chest. Staring at her from the other side of the couch like she’s crazy.

“Y/N?” You ask “ya, you know like, your name? Y/N” “no I get what you’re talking about” you cut her off. “But why the fuck did you just call me the name placement for an X Reader fic?” She shrugs and takes a drag of her cigarette. “Helped with calming you down, didn't it?” “What? Ugg” you put a hand up to your face, “your distracting me!” “And probing for answers!” She cheers out. “So what about him got you so freaked out, hmm girly pop?” You groan again, properly sitting up, feet on the floor, pillow in your lap. She slides into the now free spot next to you.

“It’s just- we have a super complicated relationship, and he’s the sibling I have the best relationship with, but with him still being in contact with the family… I don’t know, we… we got into a bad argument and before we could make up he… went missing for 5 years. Then he was suddenly found after being declared dead for so long- I… I panicked, ran… ended up here.” You look in the opposite direction of her almost shamefully. The both of you sit in silence for a bit, it’s quiet for a long time before with an almost defeated sigh she finally speaks. “When I graduated high school my grandparents went on a road trip to go to a family reunion in a different state.” She starts, and you turn to look at her “I stayed behind, my relationship with the family wasn’t the best to begin with and I didn’t want to spend several days in a cramped car with people I barely liked. My younger sister on the other hand went, the two of us had a pretty significant age gap, about 9 years. Just a day into the trip they got into a nasty car accident” She takes a stutery breath, and puts her cigarette back in her mouth, blowing on it. “Everyone else, my grandparents, aunts and cousins. They all lived, not her though, she was the only person in the car that wasn’t an adult, the others got serious injuries that needed surgery’s for. But her body was decimated, died instantly, and brutally mangled.” You just stare at her, horror clear on your face. Hers is almost completely blank, not even hear at the moment, mind far off and somewhere else.

“Why are you telling me this?” You ask her, she glances over to you before looking away. “You were telling me things you didn’t want to talk about, to remember. So I’m doing the same.” “but yours is way more detailed. I was being so vague! Now I feel bad” “don’t be, I was debating on if i should tell you this anyways. No pressure with going into more detail about your mysterious past.” with a sigh you look down at your feet. Not knowing what to say next, if you should even say something next. Finally after a bit of internal debate you say the first thing that comes to mind “this is not how I wanted the day to go”, Phoebe laughs “me neither”. “He probably won’t be an issue.” You continue fiddling with your hands, “the rest of my family never really cared about me, I was basically just a ghost in their house. Hell I don’t even know if my sister knows my name!” “Yeesh” “ya… he was the only one that really cared, so outside of him probably having already found where we live-“ “what” “we shouldn’t have to deal with the rest of my family” she opens her mouth to speak again. “Or worry about gangs” she closes it “most of my siblings work for are Dad’s tech company anyways. They have no reason to join a gang.” “A family business? In Gotham?” she chuckles “If it doesn’t have ties to some gang or isn’t like 3 generations old or both, I don’t see that place still standing.” now you laugh, if only she knew.

If only she knew.

——————

A/N time!

I have some more ideas for this AU but I admittedly don’t know much more of what to do with it. Like I have a lot of ideas for character relationships but not a lot of plot. I know at some point Reader is dragged back to the Wayne’s but I haven’t fully decided if it’s willing or not.

I do have a few ideas for what Reader’s name was before they became a Y/N L/N. But I didn’t want it to come off too much like the reader is an OC. I also don’t want to pick a name that someone reading this might have. Which is a slim but very there possibility, would be pretty fucking immersion, breaking if the character who canonically change their name to be yours/whatever OC you make already had yours/whatever OC you make is first name. So I’ll probably keep those ideas to myself.

Also if it isn’t clear, I have never once smoked in my life. I'm more of an edible girly myself, more powerful and you're not inhaling smoke! It’s a win win! Also I have no experience writing someone who is drunk or high, so there probably also written poorly. In fact I’ve never once gotten as drunk as the reader does in this. Admittedly I couldn’t figure out how to write the ending with them drunk.

Thinking about making the floor plan of the apartment in the sims, but idk it’s not going to be that important? If I do end up continuing this like I have planned. I’m already working on chapter two! Which expands on things mentioned here and hopefully shows even more how much of an unreliable narrator reader is. Idk I’ve only started the first few paragraphs.

I know not many X reader fics go into detail about the Reader is non from fandom relationships. Which makes sense, it’s called Batfam X Neglected Reader after all, not Reader and the OC gang. I honestly just felt like filling out the world with more non DC or other franchise characters. Don’t worry if I do continue this it won’t be a common trend, Phoebe will be the only commonly reoccurring named OC. If/when I add more they won’t be as prominent or fleshed out as her. She’s very important to the plot I’ve got cookin in my brain :).

Fun fact! Phoebe didn’t originally have a name! She was referred to solely as roommate up till the last minute!

#platonic batfam #batfam x reader #x gender neutral reader #x reader #Dreaming of teeth

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forcemeanakin · 1 year ago

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Hot with brains

•WARNINGS: SMUT. Fingering (f receiving), oral fixation, dirty talk, praise kink and also degrading kink, corruption kink kinda??? Edging. Public space. The OC has a kink that attracts her to smart guys.

Pairing: ROTS!Anakin Skywalker x Female!reader.

Summary: Anakin falls for the librarian at the Jedi Temple, however, he soon realizes his adorable smile and golden curls won’t cut it with this one. No, she likes something different: brains.

Word count: 4.7K.

A/N: Pretty self-indulgent piece. I've been obsessed with Anakin's engineering brain ever since I got into Star Wars and this idea had be floating around for a whileeeee. Hope you all enjoy reading it, as much as I enjoyed writing it!

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You liked smart guys.

It wasn’t a kink per sé. You just couldn’t see yourself hooking up with someone with no brains, let alone establishing a committed relationship with them. You were swoon by guys with deep thoughts and admirable speech skills. The type of man that would go for a whisky instead of a beer, or use real shoes instead of plain sneakers.

You being a snob might have to do with your upbringing, after all you were the daughter of two scholars and professors of one of the most prestigious universities of Coruscant. You were raised to be logical and love intellectual conversations. You wouldn’t- No. You couldn’t see yourself enjoying a space with someone with a low IQ.

That was the reasoning behind taking the internship in the Jedi Temple’s library as part of your college voluntary program. You had to volunteer a certain amount of hours in order to graduate from your Journalism degree with honors.

You thought that even though this wasn’t exactly the area in which you were specializing, you would soak up some of the ancient knowledge of the Order, even make some great connections for the future. And so far it has been just that: A great experience. You got to read some really cool books and in the hours where no one would come, you got to finish some school work. The Jedi who would visit the library were nice and kind, always polite with a big smile. You even grew really fond of a young Togruta padawan that would spend her breaks in between training devouring books.

It was calm and quiet.

Until the storm broke through the door.

“Is this the one you’re looking for?” You yelled to Ahsoka as you climbed down the stairs with the title she asked for.

“Yes! Thank you, y/n!” She gave you a hug and ran to her table to start reading about the swamps in Dagobah.

You returned to your desk and kept registering the book’s codes into the control sheet when a loud sound made you look to the door, the one that was violently being thrown to open room for a tall, curly-haired man with dark robes.

You would recognize those robes anywhere. In reality, anyone from any point of the galaxy would recognize them.

Anakin Skywalker.

One of the few exceptions of Jedi men who didn’t live up to the sophisticated standard of the Order’s image. And definitely someone you would prefer to stay away from. For some reason he was the favorite warrior of the people; the citizens would line up in front of the Temple to scream “Hero with no fear” to that pretentious douchebag.

He was fine.

As what most people would call courageous, you would say careless. To others he was passionate, to you he was irrational. Not to mention how idiotic and unsubordinated he was; always talking back and doing things his way, ignoring what the guidelines said.

You didn’t like him. You didn’t like him at all. For that you were thankful that he never set foot into your sacred place. Until that doomed day.

“C’mon, Snips.” He shouted, approaching the desk where she sat. “We need to go. Council just called.”

“Can I have five more minutes? I’ve barely read anything about where we are going!” Ahsoka whined.

“You don’t need to read anything, we will find out anything that’s necessary there.” He huffed, finding his apprentice’s actions ridiculous.

You quietly sighed and rolled my eyes. Of course.

“Fine… but y/n really took her time fetching it for me.” She exhaled annoyed and closed the book.

Your eyes remained glued to your task at hand, not willing to look up and be involved in some type of pending argument.

“Who’s y/n?” Anakin scoffed rather loudly.

“Y/n! The volunteer?” Anakin frowned at the short explanation and shook his head in a negative motion. “You know, y/n! C’mon Skyguy, follow me.”

No, please no, you whispered to your insides.

“Hey, y/n!” You heard Ahsoka’s little footsteps running to where you were.

“What can I do for you, Soka?” You answered, still pretending that you were too busy to move your head from its position.

“Skyguy hasn’t met you. Here, Anakin, y/n. She helps us out here in the library.”

“Ahsoka, we’re not supposed to be having social meetings, we need to go-” You finally gazed up and in that moment, Anakin and you made eye contact for the first time; it was intense. It felt like something clicked for him. “You must be Y/n.” Anakin shook his head lightly, hinting a little smirk as leaned over your table with fixed eyes.

Hell, no.

“Yes, I am. How may I help you?” You were bitter, totally unbothered by his chiseled cheekbones, or his gorgeous hair, or his plumped lips. Not even the scar had any effect whatsoever. He was an ass and that was automatically a turn off for you.

“I’m sorry I haven’t met you. You must be new.” He explained with dreamy eyes, subtly checking you out. You cursed the moment you decided to come in today with a blouse who had a bit of a cleavage. “I’m Anakin. Anakin Skywalker.”

“Actually, I’ve been here for almost two months now.” You suppressed the soul-eating need to roll your eyes.

“Oh, really? Sorry, I don’t come here much.” He leaned over even more, trying to keep eye contact even when you sat down.

“Obviously.” You whispered on the low.

“Excuse me?” Anakin frowned, interrupting his beam to pout with confusion.

“Nothing.” You smiled widely with a fake grin.

“Okay…” His frown deepened before a smirk broke out his lips. “Maybe I will make it a habit and visit more often.” He shrugged his shoulders, tilting his head to the side, deciphering the effects of his statement on you.

“You should.” You looked at him and gave him a side-smile, making his eyes sparkle. “Books are good for you.” You returned to check the order of nabooian books on your computer.

“Yeah, books are cool but there are other things I would much rather check out.” He smirked shamelessly at you, the back-handed comment flying way over his head.

You felt like gagging. Not the good kind.

Before you could come up with a clever response and shut him down for good, Ahsoka spoke from behind him.

“Ugh, gross! Let’s go!” The kid dragged him out by his clothes and before he disappeared through the glass door, he winked at you.

That was the first time you have seen him. First of many, many more.

Since the day your paths crossed, he took every fleeting moment to come and “read”, when in reality it was just him eating, or drawing or doing anything but opening a book. Taking advantage of your breaks, or whenever you returned to your seat after doing rounds, he would come over and make conversation. About his battles, his accomplishments, his close-calls to death… or about random facts he collected from his missions and travels; Anything that would maybe impress you.

And when he wasn’t doing that? He would drown you in compliments, to see if in fact, you soften up to him. Anakin was already aware of your no-so-secret disgust towards him the day he caught one of your eye rolls.

Did he care? No.

He was persistent: admiring your hair, loving the way you had styled it in a little bun (even though it was because the heat was eating you alive). He would ask about the tasks you were performing, sucking at pretending to be interested in hearing about organizing books in alphabetical order.

And it would have maybe worked; his good looks combined to his natural charisma were enough to make any mortal melt at his sight. You almost combust when you saw him carrying some wood boards into the library, the primal part of you rejoicing at the sight of his strong muscles stretching. The man was eye candy, whether you like it or not.

But, boy, were you tough.

Anakin Skywalker was not your cup of tea to say the least. You wouldn’t collaborate in his attempts to get to know you. You were so uninterested in finding out more about him when you had already scanned him. Just a way-too-handsome-for-his-own-good guy who was lucky enough to be born as the Chosen One, because otherwise, he would have never made it in the Order. He was determined, you would give him that.

His approaches were never creepy or invasive enough to make you uncomfortable, only to drive you wild. Even when he was the worst part of your day, you had to keep the polite but distant charade going on, in order to protect your job. Your disgust towards him, instead of hurting him, amused him. He liked challenges and you were freaking Mission Impossible. Although he also saw the flaws in you: a pretentious prick girl who had probably achieved everything in her life thanks to nepotism. But he could see past that.

Because, boy, were you hot.

And he was sure you liked it nasty.

Underneath your goodie-two-shoes clothes hid the true you: he knew you loved being treated like a filthy slut.

“Hello, y/n!” Ahsoka squealed in an excited voice. You two have grown to adore each other.

“Hey, Soka!” You responded happily, finishing to put some encyclopedias on a shelf. When you turned around, you saw she wasn’t alone. “Oh… good afternoon, Anakin.”

“Nice to see you too, y/n.” Anakin huffed in a sarcastic voice before strolling to where you were, Ahsoka following close behind. “Is that a new shirt? It suits you.”

“No, it’s the same white button up shirt that I’ve always used.” You smiled and turned around to roll your eyes in peace. He was too busy devouring your bosom behind the fabric to ever notice the barrier between his eyes and your skin.

“Y/n, do you think you could grab me a book about loreeks? I’m doing a little presentation about them for my science class.” Ahsoka asked you with a sweet voice.

“Oh sure… just let me look oveeeer…” You walked, stretching the words as you searched in the countless sections. “...here. It must be on one of these shelves.” You announced when you entered the exotic animals aisle.

Digitating the code on your scanner you found out it was in one of the tallest shelves, only reachable with a ladder. Right when you were about to move it, Anakin came in.

“Don’t worry, Y/n. I’ll get it.” And he used the Force to bring the book down. “Here you go Snips, study hard.” He nudged her head, annoying her.

“Yeah, I guess… but it’s Friday. Can I read after I hang out with the other padawans? Barris and Meelo are going skating!” She gave her best puppy eyes, to which Anakin agreed, after giving it little to no thought.

“You didn’t have to give her the book, I could have done it.” You waited for Ahsoka to leave before dropping the bomb.

“Easy there, kitten. I was just helping out.” He furrowed his eyebrows. As if the unnecessary nickname wasn’t enough to drive you mad. Looking down, he saw the rest of your outfit and lingered his eyes more than necessary in your short, black skirt. “On second thought, I might have let you do it.” He smirked confidently.

“Just stay out of my way, okay?” You growled, walking away from him to your desk, not without bumping your shoulder with his on your way out.

“What the hell is your problem?” He asked with an incredulous face.

You were done. The build-up from the past month was beginning to choke down your sense of decency. Not to mention that your day was already going terrible before he appeared: the droid that would always help you out was broken, significantly delaying your work day. Also, it was laundry day and you had to use your uncomfortable lingerie.

“You know what, Skywalker?” You turned around with raised eyebrows. “You’re my problem.” He opened his eyes in bewilderment. “I don’t like you. I don’t appreciate you coming in, all macho-” You made a mocking manner. “-acting like a goddamn superhero, only after cleaning up the mess you created in the first place.” You crossed your arms in your chest.

“I’m a general, kitten, and I can assure you the war it’s not my fault.” He scoffed, he used the nickname again, knowing it would press your buttons.

“And how many times have you messed it up bigger than it was?” You squinted your eyes, only to see him run out of words. “That’s what I thought.” You came back to digitating codes. “It’s like you don’t think. You are just a machine run by adrenaline and praise.” You finally rolled your eyes in front of him without shame. You tried to run down the reports that C7, your assistant droid would do, only to fail and almost delete everything in your computer. “And I can assure you I have bigger problems than dealing with you!”

“Okay, back down-”

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” You yelled, getting desperate and throwing a tantrum at the device. You had enough for the day. You could leave, given that no one would come over this late, but your sense of responsibility prevented you from going home before finishing your work load. “I fucking hate this system!”

“Let me see-”

“Don’t! Just don’t, okay?” You swatted his hand away. “I’m not in the mood.”

“Could you stop being so stuck-up and let me help you?” He raised his voice, stepping up close to tower you. His eyes were on fire and you could sense that your previous comments did get to him, but for some reason outside of your understanding, he was still willing to help.

“Fine.” You chewed the words in your mouth, stepping down as you glared at him, giving him space to analyze the situation.

Instead of leaning down the computer, he went directly to C7, who lingered weakly on the side of your desk. He picked him up and put it on the table, moving him around his hands to examine the droid. He hummed after a couple of minutes, putting the mechanical body at eye level. “I see.”

“See what? What is it?” You pressed, trying to pick a glance from over his shoulder.

“I’m going to need my tools.” He murmured, dropping the droid back again.

“Wh-”

“I’ll be right back.” He exclaimed, before heading to the door in a rush.

“Wait! What?” You shouted, the shadow of his body the only thing visible.

You stayed alone for about fifteen minutes. You even got to thinking that he was pulling a prank on you, after yelling at him. But you stayed there, because well… what else would you do? You were beginning to fall asleep as you played with paper clips, when you heard the door being opened again.

“Finally! I thought you had left!” You sighed in relief, pushing your body off your desk.

“I was getting my tools, I told you.” He frowned, lifting the heavy, dark red box to the white marble. “Now let’s bring this one back to life.” He smiled, before busting the carcass open.

It took Anakin less than what you waited for him to get C7 up and running again. He flipped panels, snapped cables and pressed buttons, at an order that seemed random to you, until C7’s mechanical eyes opened again.

“Oh my God!” You laughed in disbelief. “He’s functioning again!”

Anakin smiled down at the table, as he finished up adjusting some screws. C7 sat up, analyzing his surroundings before getting up and going straight back to work.

“I-I-” You were speechless. How did he do that? So fast? “I can’t believe you just did that.” You mumbled, still looking at C7 like it was a ghost. “Thank you, Anakin.” You turned around with apologizing eyes, twitching an embarrassed smile.

“No problem. His transmitter was disconnected from the main system. I had to fix his-” The next couple of things that he mentioned sounded like pure gibberish to you, but he was very firm, so it must be true. Right? Sensing your bafflement, he spilled facts slower and quieter until he stopped talking, finalizing with a dry smile. “Yeah, it was nothing.”

He was starting to pack everything in his toolbox again and you had a pending need to say something. However, you didn’t know if you should kick off with a real apology or-

“How did you know all that?” So a pop quiz it was. In your defense, you were genuinely curious about the abilities he had just demonstrated. Mindblown, to be more specific.

“About what?” He furrowed his brows, closing the box but leaving on the table.

“About the transmitter, and the restraining bolt, and- and-” You were running out of technical terms.

“Mechanics are second nature to me at this point.” He shrugged his shoulders, picking up the box. “I know everything about the topic, so, it was an easy fix. I’d have rearranged his central system if I had the missing part, but it’s very specific. What I did will do for now, though.”

He was about to leave when he noticed the way you were leaning on the table, head on top of your fist to pay close attention to him. You were murmuring almost unhearable “uh-huh”s, totally lost in his words.

“Sooo, you know mechanics.” You were such a hypocrite, you couldn’t stand the man fifteen minutes ago and now you were drooling over the sight of him explaining complicated shit to you. Snob. “You often fix things?” You tried to investigate, see if the throbbing happening between your legs was worth pursuing.

“Sometimes… I often go to the hangar and repair the damaged ships or flip them.” He grinned without teeth. “The techs often ask for me. They say I have an eye for these things. Been working on droids since I was a kid, so.” Anakin wasn’t trying to brag, but his ample knowledge in mechanics was something that he prided himself on.

“That seems like a lot of work.” You continued the small talk, slowly losing yourself over this spontaneous crush.

“It can get tricky.” He dismissed, beginning to notice the glint on your eyes. He recognized the way your irises had darkened: He got those fuck-me eyes wherever he went. “Still haven’t found something I can’t fix.”

But it was involuntary. The fact that he was an expert on a matter as hard as mechanics scratched a part of your brain; It flipped a switch inside of you. Anakin was a different man under your eyes now. He was smart, hella smart.

“Gosh, that’s so impressive.” You giggled like the girls that would flirt at him. Pathetic. But you quickly regained control, not before sucking up some courage and getting closer to him, posing more seductively this time. “That brain of yours sure hides lots of secrets.”

He hadn’t quite figured out why the change of heart, so it took him a moment to replay your evening together. It lasted a bit more than he liked to admit, but it hit him. Of course. An arrogant smile cracked his face. Of course you would be attracted to someone who was a master of something you consider relevant. After all, you liked to consider yourself an “intellectual”. Just to test his theory, he consciously started to brag about something else… something that would have your panties in a bunch if his hypothesis was correct.

“Wanna know another one?” He cocked an eyebrow, resting his elbow on the table to stand inches away from your face.

Your face shined with a slight pink blush, but it was the way you bit your lip that drove him crazy. That and your enthusiastic nod. “Yeah.”

“There’s a reason behind why I’m the best pilot of the fleet. And it’s not just because of my background as a pod racer or the Force.” He whispered, snickering at how soft your eyes had grown. “It’s actually because… I use physics.”

“Physics?” You almost moaned.

“Yeah, physics.” He repeated, moistening his lips, a thing your eyes followed. “Self-taught, just like with mechanics.”

That ripped a subtle whimper out of you. Well, not subtle to him.

“You-you understand math?” If it wasn’t because you were visibly squeezing your thighs at the newly acquired information, he would be completely offended that you thought he was dumb as fuck.

“Love em.” He muttered, his intense stare glued to you, as his fingers put a string of hair behind your ear.

Like thunder, you were rushing to capture his lips and show him just how hot you thought he was now. Anakin freezed at first, taking aback by your sudden demonstration of affection, but when he understood that you were willingly -and enthusiastically- giving yourself to him, he wasted no time to embrace you back.

Wet kisses splashed everywhere; it was fucking mess. You hung onto his shoulders while he groped all of your body, starting with your sweet hips, fondling your ass like it was his personal stress ball and finally landing on your waist. You pressed against him shamelessly, but in reality, how much shame could you still have when the man’s tongue was down your throat? The only thing you knew with certainty was that the sucking sounds and moans you both dropped were intensifying the already sex-filled atmosphere.

“Anakin.” You tried to sound normal, but your voice was failing just like your knees were. “W-why haven’t you gone to a proper school? Maybe get a degree?”

Was that seriously so important to you? The opinion of others? Anakin questioned in his own head.

Anakin was the kind of person that wasn’t susceptible to the opinion of others, especially regarding his own image. He was sure of the shit he knew and didn’t need anyone validating that for him. No expensive universities, no uptight professors; Obi-Wan was more than enough. Nonetheless, he had found a shortcut to get inside your pants and God as his witness, he was gonna use it.

“Y/n.” He snickered right in your face, drinking in the power. “I don’t care about any of that. I'm a certified engineer, that’s how I got to build this myself.” Removing the leather, he revealed his mechanical limb to you, wiggling his fingers.

It was fancier than you ever thought a mechanical hand could be. Black with touches of gold; it was elegant and sophisticated, way more advanced than any technology you had ever seen in the orthopedics research field. And you knew it well, your mom was an orthopedic surgeon.

It was no surprise to him that after spilling that last fact you were now shamelessly grinding on his half-hard. The fact that he was an engineering mastermind was such an aphrodisiac. And as much as he wanted to have another taste of your full, pink lips, the ones he often imagined enveloped around his dick while you scolded him, Anakin wasn’t willing to make the first move.

You were going to have to beg for it.

“Anakin?” Your hands flattened on his pecs, back arching when he cupped your cheek with the cool durasteel prosthetic, kneading against it with soft eyes. He must have noticed how captivated you were by his invention.

“Yeah, baby?” He continued the soft ministrations up and down your cheek, redirecting your gaze to his face whenever your eyes would deviate to his artificial limb.

“You- Uhm, you built it from scratch?” You gulped when his thumb inched closer to your mouth, rubbing your bottom lip and pulling it open.

Little obedient you put no resistance, and instead, stuck out your wet tongue to happily receive his digit into your warmness. But this time it was his index, the one you were bobbing your head into, eye contact not faltering even when you were practically giving oral to his hand. Anakin smiled pleased at your enthusiasm for pleasuring him and added another finger for you to lubricate.

“From scratch.” He nodded, lustful irises boring into you. “Designed it too.”

You moaned around him, feeling content with being sandwiched between his firm torso and your desk, and with your mouth being fucked by his fingers. Saliva smeared all over your chin, you whined pitifully when your lips were no longer stuffed. On the contrary of leaving you all hot and bothered, Anakin lowered those same fingers to your leaky cunt, pushing your underwear aside for easy access.

He groaned when he first inserted a finger, your gasping a sign for him to slow down. “Baby, you’re tight.” He seemed to love that about you.

After adjusting to the size of his strong index finger, Anakin breached in with his middle one, repeating the process of you getting used to the coldness and girth all over.

“A-Anakin.” You closed your eyes, involuntarily standing on your tippy toes.

“That’s right, you’re doing so well. Taking my fingers like a true champ.” He bit down a condescending smile. “Atta girl.”

The initial discomfort was just a milestone you had to overcome to succumb to the pleasure that it was being fucked by Anakin Skywalker’s metal hand. His frigid thumb came to roll over your bundle of nerves, helping you relax into him and enjoy the sensation of fully riding his hand.

“That’s it. Fuck my hand just like that, kitten.” He chuckled, finding a spot on your neck to latch on, leave a little souvenir of your encounter, and hide his pitiful laugh.

Kisses were peppered along your exposed throat, your clavicle and jaw, his long eyelashes tickling you and making you clench around his metal hand tighter. Whilst you worried about not whining too loud for anyone to enter the library, Anakin was pumping his fingers at such an unholy pace to complicate your task.

“Shhh, baby. You need to be quiet. Wouldn’t like for anyone to come in. You could lose your job.” He mocked with a side smile and you had to gripped his bicep to keep your balance. “Could you imagine? Getting caught having sex at work? With a Jedi?”

You could perceive that the trespassing of the pseudo-celibacy Jedi code was turning him to no end, the mischievous glimmer in his eyes getting stronger when he said the last sentence.

“W-We’re not having sex.” You corrected him, like it mattered. Like having him knuckles deep into you was somehow less frowned-upon than to have actual coitus.

That made him laugh and you wiggled underneath him, fighting to not let your tears fall.

“You just wait.” His lips ghosted over yours, his breath fanning over your heated face. The increase of the movements of his hand was a sign that he had noticed the contractions around his digits, fully aware that you were close. “Ready to come, baby? Gonna gush all over me?”

You nodded, biting your swollen lip, losing the battle against your tear duct. Anakin used his other thumb, the one that was not torturing your clit, to liberate your abused lip. His mouth lowered to capture yours in a hot kiss, this tongue sliding on your inside until it hit your throat. So deep into you that you would never forget his taste; so deep you will never be able to deny him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” You whimpered against his smile when you reached your peak, dissolving into this meaningless mass between his arms. “Anakin…” You rode out your climax, still rocking your hips to prolong the pleasure.

Anakin waited until you regained some composure to help you fix your clothes, putting back your underwear as he found it and lowering your skirt. His actions had you frowning: Weren’t you two gonna fuck? You were already mentally prepared to welcome his enormous cock in your tiny canal.

He grinned at your puppy eyes and adorable pout, your flustered state funnier than it should be. It was almost enough to break him. But someone had to give you a lesson.

“At the end of the day, I’m just a soldier, Y/n. An incompetent one, according to you.”

Before you could protest that, he was tilting his head in an accusatory manner. Like saying: Don’t even try it. And before leaving with his head high, he spat:

“My apologies if that’s not fancy enough for you, ma’am.”

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eliza-and-her-monsters · 2 months ago

Text

the tortured poets department

a story told in multiple parts

vi x reader

Info Post

Moodboards

Next Part

Contains: college au, dark/light academia, writer reader, singer reader, neurodivergent/autistic reader (i’m autistic so i’m writing from my own experiences), sporty vi, hockey player vi, big sister caitlyn, best friend ellie williams, roommate ellie williams, will contain other familiar characters you know and love as well as some potential ocs. no use of y/n, reader does have a name because it’s just easier for me to write that way 🖤 ALSO- Jayce is aged down because I want him to be 😌

WC: 4.5k

TW: talk of severe mental illness and brief mention of psychiatric facilities

A/N: chapter one is officially live! if you’re just stumbling across this and haven’t checked the main info post yet please do for more info! hope you enjoy! 🖤

part I

you’re on your own, kid

Whenever most people got acceptance letters to Oxford they were ecstatic, elated, overjoyed. Somehow whenever I got mine all I felt was a sense that I had failed. It was a juxtaposition of course, it was always expected from my family that I attend the same university they had and every other generation before them had. So in a way I had done the opposite, just maybe not in the right order, and a hefty amount of rejection letters in my midst. Including the one currently being held in my shaky hand right now.

Ms. Kiramman,

Thank you for submitting your manuscript to our publication house. Unfortunately right now we are unable to offer you an opportunity for further publication.

“Please, they wouldn’t know good literature if it hit them in the face.” Caitlyn scoffed from her spot next to me as the student shuttle jostled us in our row of seats.

“Is every other publication house that denied me unable to recognize good literature as well?” I whispered from where my cheek stayed pressed to her shoulder.

I know what a lot of you were probably thinking at first glance, but Caitlyn was a good big sister. She was harsh, severely left brained, exactly everything our parents wanted in a child, and quite possibly the polar opposite of me. But in all honesty she was my best friend. My biggest supporter whenever my parents weren’t. It was her who had harassed all of those literary agents to even get me the chance to submit my works to publication houses in the first place because I was too scared to do it. And it was I who failed every single time.

“Yeah actually, they are. Honestly Mills, there’s so much trash in modern day poetry right now you might be better off.” She sighed, reaching a hand over to click my phone off slowly as the shuttle rumbled to a stop. “This is you!” She tried to plaster on a fake cheery voice with a pat on my back as if to get me to finally lift my head where my cheek was already an irritated red for being hid in her sweater.

“I still don’t get why you couldn’t just let Ellie and I take the extra room in that big student house you just moved into.” I huffed, lifting a hand to readjust my glasses before rising up to my feet and reaching for one of the suitcases carelessly tossed on one of the adjacent rows of seats.

“Because lovey, you need to make some of your own friends. This is uni, Millie, we’re both in completely different colleges and I just- I don’t want you to get too lonely.” She frowned, glancing back at me as she rolled the other suitcase behind her. “You guys don’t wanna room with a bunch of upperclassmen anyways.”

“I do have my own friends, I have Ellie.”

“As much as she is a great roommate, friends besides Ellie, it’s good to have more than just two whole people on campus to talk to.” Caitlyn pressed on just before striding towards the entrance, leaving me feeling like I needed to speed walk just to keep up given the fact she was nearly a foot taller as well.

The student apartments were definitely nicer than the usual underclassman dorms. In all honesty I really should’ve been grateful, it was just another luxury of being a Kiramman. Whenever your parents paid for half of the buildings on campus you usually got better accommodations. Not that either of them originally liked the idea of me even rooming with Ellie. A loudmouthed foreign exchange student from America I met during another one of those incredibly expensive wellness retreats my parents sent me on to see if they could find a ‘cure’ for what was actually just a heavy amount of autism and severe ADHD.

The only person who really seemed to understand that there wasn’t one and it was just simply who I was was Caitlyn. To a degree as much as she could at least. Sometimes though I could tell she forgot.

“I think Ellie said she beat us a while ago.” She chimed in as we approached the door decorated with a slightly chipped gold number.

“She got here early because of hockey stuff.” I answered, already bouncing on the balls of my feet to see how she had managed to make the flat into a sea of chaos already. She wasn’t exactly the cleanest person, luckily her energy seemed to mesh with mine easily enough though.

“Oh! You never mentioned she made the hockey team! I know a few girls on the team you could probably talk to.” She shot a hopeful smile back at me before lifting a fist to knock on the door.

It swung open before she could even make a second tap to reveal a frazzled looking Ellie haphazardly clutching a hockey stick. “Thank God you’re here! I was trying to practice my swing and- fuck, we are so not getting that deposit back, Millie.”

“Oh dear god.” Caitlyn cursed, already wincing in dread before stepping through the door into the messy flat. “I’m sure our dad can- do something. What did you manage to break and why on earth did you decide practicing your swing indoors was a good idea?”

“For your information I didn’t break anything! There’s just a- tiny dent in the wall.”

I hummed a bit to myself as I stepped over the plethora of unpacked bags currently covering the floor. “It’s definitely more than tiny.” I chimed in as I poked at the noticeable dent in the drywall.

Caitlyn released a long and heavy breath and shook her head, as if to try and keep herself from making her own dent in the wall. “It’s totally fine. I’ll just- say that it was there whenever you guys moved in!” She shrugged with another anxious clear of her throat as she pulled my luggage in behind her. “Which room is free, Els?”

“Oh, I gave her the room in the front. I know she likes it dark and the lighting in there sucks.” Ellie answered as she shuffled off behind us. “There is one window in there that can get pretty killer in the mornings.”

I tensed a bit at the sight of the double window facing towards the bed. Yet another one of the aggravating little quirks that came with my neurodivergency, light sensitivity. As far as I could remember I always preferred the darkest of places. And now Caitlyn was cursing again, rushing towards me to take my hands into her own as if I was already on the verge of panic.

“It’s okay- I can get you a pair of a blackout curtains asap and you know how dreary it is in Oxford anyways-“

“Caity- it’s fine. I’m not going to have a meltdown over a window.” I interrupted her ramble with a shake of my head. Sometimes I felt like she still thought I was that same teenage girl that didn’t have a handle on her emotions. Not that I was far from it exactly. Now I was just an almost 20 year old girl who had a slight hold on her emotions. That’s what the writing was for.

Her eyes still held the same amount of concern though, getting that same little crinkle in between her brows as she nodded. “Okay, I’m still getting you blackout curtains though.”

“They’ll definitely be appreciated.” I said with a forced tiny smile.

“Well, I really wish I could stay and help you unpack but I have a meeting with the Brooks Society and everything but… I really do hope I’ll see you both tonight at the pub for fresher’s week?” She grinned hopefully once more as she squeezed the life out of my hands.

“Oh, I-I don’t know. We’ve barely settled in and-”

“I’m down.” Ellie chimed in from behind me as she trotted back into the door frame. “I’m gonna be relishing in the fact I finally don’t need a fake.”

“Ellie…” I groaned as I shot her a glare over my shoulder.

“What? Mills, it’s the first day of fresher’s week, we might as well be committing a crime by not going out tonight!” She exclaimed with a dramatic throw of her hands in the air.

“It’s true, and as much as I would love to keep you away from my degenerate friends, well, it might be good for you.” Caitlyn agreed with another casual shrug.

“You’re not gonna give me a choice, are you?” I questioned causing her to shoot a knowing look towards Ellie over my shoulder.

“Probably not.” She answered before stealing a look down at the expensive watch wrapped around her wrist. “Well, I’ve gotta go but… you’ll text me if you need anything, right? I don’t want you to feel like you can’t because of what I said earlier because you always can I just-“

“Caity- it’s fine. I’m fine, I promise. I- I’ll see you tonight.” I stammered in hesitation, and I’d definitely be hearing about it later. But luckily right now she seemed willing to just let things go.

“Okay, good… great. Now- get in here, pipsqueak!” She exclaimed, the familiar nickname she had been calling me since she hit her growth spurt and I yet to do so making me roll my eyes as she pulled me into a tight hug. One of those sisterly hugs I always clung onto a bit longer. Ever since I was younger no place had felt safer than Caitlyn. And in so many ways sometimes I looked at her as being more than a mom than our actual mom. I knew I needed to find other safe places though. “I love you, you know that right? I promise. This is going to be a good thing.”

“I love you too, Caity.” I sighed softly as I felt her lips press to the top of my head before the two of us pulled away.

“Els, take care of my baby sister or else I’ll have your head on a stick? Got it?”

“Crystal?” Ellie finally spoke up again with wide eyes as her hand made the ‘okay’ symbol.

“Good.” Caitlyn spoke before trotting back off towards the front door, “I’ll see you both tonight and send you the details.” And with a charming smile she was headed out.

Ellie instantly let out a shiver the moment the door closed. “Has anyone ever told you that your sister’s scary as fuck?”

“Many times.” I answered simply just in time to see Ellie’s face fall ever so slightly.

“So, I’m guessing it was a no from the latest publication house?”

“How could you guess?” I frowned as I slumped against the wall like I was going to resign myself to the floor.

“You had that aire of discouraged defeatism whenever you walked in.” She explained as she sidled up to me. “Cheer up, Mills, modern poetry is so cringeworthy nowadays you might be better off going for songwriting anyways.” She added as she gently rubbed at my clothed arms.

“If I can’t even get a publication house to take me seriously then what makes you think I can actually get a songwriting deal?” I spoke as I finally pushed myself off of the wall.

“One of the most popular songs out right now literally has the lyrics, ‘that’s that me, espresso’ in it.” She rolled her eyes a bit to herself as she finally knelt down to grab the bags she had still yet to unpack.

“No Sabrina Carpenter slander in this apartment, Williams. You know I’m an OG. And I can relate to desperation.” I frowned in embarrassment as I crossed my arms across my chest.

“Yeah yeah yeah, come and help me unpack, will you? Maybe we can find you something to wear tonight.”

“What’s wrong with what I have on?” I exclaimed almost in mild offense as I gestured towards the outfit that definitely had been hastily picked out. But it wasn’t like it wasn’t cute- ish at least.

“Nothing, but care bear sweaters and leggings seems more like a comfy day outfit than a ‘going out to the pub’ outfit.”

“I thought it was going to be a comfy day until you completely blew my cover!”

“Sorry babe, but I agree with your scary as fuck sister on this one. You need to get out more. Experience the pleasures of fresher’s week and you can take that in any way you want!” She shot a wink over her shoulder as she made her way down the skinny hallway to kick open her own door where a brutal floor to ceiling window already angrily cast its light on the room causing me to flinch.

“We could always pretend to be girlfriends again if you want people to leave you alone in a, you know, romantic way.” Ellie added as she rushed across the room to pull the curtains shut and pat the empty space on her bed. Probably the only time it’d actually be made all semester.

“Nah, if we do that too many times people will know we’re lying so best not to even start.” I answered as I took a seat on the side of her bed.

“Well if that’s the case, how does this shirt look with… this flannel? What do you think? Chick magnet?” She grinned before whipping out a red and black checkered flannel from the mostly empty closet and pulling it on over the basic black band tee she already wore with a flourish.

“Maybe if they’re emo?” I said with a little shrug as I scanned the band logo on her t-shirt causing her to groan in defeat.

“Still… somehow… always chronically bitchless.” She voiced before plopping down on the squeaky university issued beds. Though we were at least lucky enough to have double beds, it definitely wouldn’t leave anything to the imagination if either of us decided to do any nsfw activities in them. Somehow I didn’t feel like we’d have that problem though.

“Shush, you’re not chronically bitchless. You have me!” I teased as I gave her shoulder a playful shove where she dramatically flopped onto her back.

“So bitchless then?” She reiterated with a lifted brow as she glanced over at me.

“At least you’ve actually managed to kiss a girl once or twice.” I scowled as I inched over onto my side. Already catching myself pulling closer towards her.

“Just so we’re clear, I did offer.”

“Yeah, only to get your first kiss out of the way.” I scoffed, though I curled up to her either way. Closing my eyes as I placed my head on her chest I hadn’t realized how tired I had felt in the past 24 hours. They had been rough, a sea of anxiety and those exact meltdowns that Caitlyn was afraid of me having and her not being there to talk me down from.

“And? The offer never stopped standing.” She spoke just before I could feel her arms wrapping around me.

“Good to know, Els, I’ll let you know if I ever need to get a pity kiss from my best friend.”

“Oh shut up, it’s not a pity kiss. It’s me doing you a solid.” She remarked, as she nudged my foot with her leg. “You manage to get any sleep last night?” She wondered just before letting her hands trace soothing circles on my back. I only shook my head as I felt the sting behind my eyes before I could even take any steps to stop it. The way you felt whenever you were already on the verge all day and someone finally asks if you’re okay. Curling my fingers into her flannel the annoying tears already soaked into the fabric of her shirt. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

A shake of my head only followed, I didn’t know how to put anything into words really. How to explain to people that just wouldn’t understand no matter how much they meant well and wanted to. How was someone even supposed to explain the fact that you were one of the most celebrated families of the most prestigious university in England yet somehow you still felt like the only person who didn’t belong here sat on top of a mountain of rejection letters? Perhaps you could rather easily. But to actually say the words ‘I’m pretty sure I only got in because I’m a Kiramman’ were a whole different story. It’s why I took all those years off in the first place. I wanted to delay the inevitable of my dad paying off the admissions directors again while staring at me with the level of disappointment he never had to with Caitlyn.

I hadn’t even realized the simple tears had turned into full out sobs until I heard Ellie’s gentle shush from above me and her arms holding me even tighter to her chest as she did so. “You’re gonna be okay, Mills. I promise. We’re gonna be just fine.”

I hadn’t even noticed I had dozed off until my eyes cracked open again, noticeably faced away from the window and tucked underneath Ellie’s covers. My glasses sat propped up on her bedside dresser already casting a noticeable blur of the world around me. Meanwhile hushed voices seemed to speak from out in the hallway, walls much too thin to hide the noise.

Fighting back a yawn I shoved myself up onto my elbow to wipe at my dysfunctional eyes before stretching a hand out to pluck my glasses from the nearby table. Though I only jumped as the door was pushed open and Caitlyn’s tall figure popped up into view. “Hey pipsqueak, Ellie told me you weren’t feeling the best after I left.” She said carefully as she grabbed my glasses to hand them over.

“I wished she wouldn’t have.” I grumbled as I slid them onto my face only to hug my knees to my chest and glue my eyes to the bedsheets below.

“Why not? Isn’t that exactly what I told you to do? Mills, I would’ve stayed-”

“But- I-I don’t wanna keep you from your responsibilities anymore, Caity!” I exclaimed with a frustrated groan, already digging at my eyes again while my head only throbbed from the aftermath. “I don’t want you to have to tell this really important college society that you can’t be there for your obligations because your mentally ill sister needs you to rescue her again!”

“You are my responsibility, Amelia!” She snapped, the use of my rarely spoken full name making me wince as she pointed a stern finger at me. “You will always be my number one priority because I’m your big sister and it’s my job to protect you, no matter what. And I don’t care what kind of deep shit I get into with the criminology department, okay? Because you come first, always!”

I tried to gulp back the same pathetic tears, but it turns out after you cry yourself to sleep for the millionth time maybe there really is a limit. “I didn’t miss anything, did I?” I spoke up after a moment of silence, feeling Caitlyn’s arm stretch around my shoulder as she took the spot next to me.

“No, but I did do some thinking and if you really don’t wanna go then I don’t wanna pressure you.” She frowned, almost looking down in mild guilt until I leaned my head against her shoulder.

“No… I do. I wanna go and make friends and new experiences and- t-try to be normal.”

“Lovey, you are normal. It’s the world that isn’t.” Caitlyn frowned as she leaned her head against mine. Thankfully she only hesitated a moment though before she cleared her throat and spoke again, “If you wanna go though we should probably start getting ready. If you want me to help you?”

“Maybe you can help me figure out what to wear? And do my hair in those little braids with the clips? And help me with my eyeliner?”

Caitlyn snickered a bit as I lifted my head from her shoulder. “The eyeliner might be a little tricky but I can certainly try. Are you forgetting the prom incident where I quite literally gave you an eye infection?”

“That was definitely just because of the glitter.” I shrugged before swinging my legs over the side of the bed and finally pushing myself up to my feet.

“The eyeliner pen straight to the cornea certainly didn’t help.” She reiterated.

Despite the various complications of having two not at all femme lesbians help me get ready though, I don’t think I looked too terrible afterwards. I had settled on a simple black dress that fell just above the knee with little bows sat atop the straps. English autumns could either be comfortable or frigid though and the current temperature definitely wasn’t comfortable so Ellie tossed me one of her blue flannels to wear over top. Of course claiming it’d be a calling card for all of the hot lesbians, if they didn’t assume we were together first.

Calling the pub a ‘pub’ in an of itself was definitely generous. Besides the one or two older people having their relaxing evening out ruined by the loudmouthed 18+ filling the joint it felt more like a club than anything. Music blasted from the speakers as we stepped inside, Caitlyn on one side with a protective arm around my shoulders and Ellie on the other who looked more and more like she was never returning to America by the second.

Caitlyn immediately dragged us downstairs where most of the students had taken over. It wasn’t hard to figure out which group of friends were hers. It was the largest one, who had currently swallowed the entire center of the room it seemed filling up leather stools and couches with red decorative pillows. “Oi! Cait! Over here!” A familiar voice echoed from the large group, popping his head over everyone and waving the lot of us over.

“Jayce? I thought he finished his masters last year.” I tried to speak over the noise where Caitlyn wrinkled her nose in response.

“He did, guess the old man just can’t get enough of us.” She answered, giving my arm a comforting squeeze as she pulled me along beside her.

The group was probably the most eccentric lot I had ever seen as we approached the cluttered table. Covered in empty and full beer bottles and other fruity drinks along with half burnt out cigarettes. A spread of tarot cards belonging to a skinny girl with the longest and brightest blue hair I had ever seen was currently being scooped up as well causing my eyes to widen in curiosity. A chorus of Caitlyn’s name followed as usual, the usual life of the party whenever I wasn’t there and she didn’t have to babysit. I had almost managed to successfully tune most of the chaotic noise out though until I heard my name followed by the tightening of Caitlyn’s arm around my shoulders once more.

“Lads, this is my baby sister, Amelia. Treat her well or else I’ll kill you slowly and painfully.” She said with a little grin just as a stool was pulled out from where a pink haired individual sat manspreading on the plush couch.

“Have a seat, cupcake, we don’t bite.” The girl smirked as she sat forward almost curiously. Also an American.

“I especially mean that towards you, Vi.” Caitlyn’s expression morphed into a glare as she watched me cautiously lower myself onto the seat like it was going to give out below me any second. “Oh, and this is Ellie- Ellie Williams. Also a fresher. Ellie, Mills, this is… Jinx, Ekko, Jesse, Dina, you obviously know Jayce, Abby-”

“Bitch.” Ellie mumbled underneath her breath causing my eyes to widen for the thousandth time as she took the open seat next to me. “She totally knocked my lights out during practice today.”

“You have to have at least one light on to have them knocked out, Williams.” The muscular woman stated as she brought a glass of amber liquid up towards her mouth.

“Wow, didn’t realize hockey rivalries on the same team were a thing.” Caitlyn fought back a laugh as she went to take an empty seat of her own.

“Oh you have no idea.” Ellie grumbled a bit to herself as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Williams? She yours?” Vi cleared her throat as she nodded in my direction.

“Who? Amelia? I-I mean I wouldn’t complain but we’re just friends.” She answered immediately causing Vi’s eyebrows to lift.

“So- no intense feelings you guys are harboring or anything?” She questioned again as she stole glances between the two of us.

“Unless there’s something she’s not telling me?” Ellie wondered with a lifted brow as she looked towards me as if in confirmation. And it was then I realized how tightly I was clutching onto her hand below the table.

It wasn’t as if the two of us hadn’t thought about it. It wasn’t as if I had spent a solid number of nights in her bed whenever things got really tough. Ultimately though we had decided what we had as best friends was far too intense or precious to fuck up over a relationship. And also just the sheer fact that dating somebody you met in a psychiatric facility disguised as a ‘wellness retreat’ was probably a bad idea.

“No, just best friends.” I answered in a small voice with a simple shrug.

“Okay, so you won’t mind if I buy her a drink then?”

“Careful Vi.” Caitlyn growled from her spot on the couch across from her.

“Ummm, can you buy me a song on the jukebox instead?” I asked, and to my surprise a series of impressed sentiments filled the table. My eyes only furrowed in confusion however as I peered towards Ellie or Caitlyn for help, “What?”

“Because Millie, that was smooth as fuck.“ Ellie answered almost drawing a little laugh from my end.

“Lucky for you, doll, I can buy you both.” Vi spoke as she held a bruised hand out for me to take.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel any butterflies blooming in my chest at her words. The feeling of my heart kickstarting as I placed my hand in hers and let her lead me towards the bar. Her hand was warm and rough in my own, calloused but not in the way Ellie’s were from the constant plucking on her guitar. They were calloused in a far more aggressive way. I should’ve known I was heading towards my own demise in that moment. Falling down a hole I’d lose myself entirely in. An electric pull on my heartstrings that kept me close to her.

Fuck, I should’ve known it was only the start.

A/N: I AM SOOOOO EXCITED TO GET THIS UP!!!! I wanna know all your thoughts!! Tell me everything!! I’m so so SO beyond excited to write more of this I’m screaming!!

Also- psa I know a ton of characters don’t talk/aren’t really in this one. I promise they will be further on! Just need to get an establishing shot first! 🖤

-> Next Part

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onlyswan · 7 months ago

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dreamboat | jjk (2)

summary: aboard the dreamboat, jungkook finds himself drawn to a beautiful stranger who appears to be drowning in melancholy. weeks later, he sees her face on the other side of the aquarium at his apartment building’s lobby. he soon learns that it’s not fate’s grand romantic plans that brought you back to his life. / (alt.) / a shipwreck and a dreamboat form an unusual bond in an aquarium.

non!idoljk x f!reader (jk is a business major who works at the amusement park ; oc works at the call center) / strangers to lovers / fluff, angst, suggestive / chapter wc: 15.9k / total fic wc: 30.8k

warnings/content (for full fic): is it an onlyswan fic if nobody cries? ; smoking ; making out ; mention of nude art ; mention of flashing ; panic attack ; a ghost cameo lol ; s*x scandal ; abuse of authority ; harrassment ; jk throws a punch once ; oc drives a motorbike without a helmet once ; vminjin + yeontan cameos :3 ; tae and jk are the same age tho

<- part one (wc: 14.9k) | spotify playlist (open to song recs <3)

note: yaaay full fic is out 🥹💕 i’ve been so attached to these two for the past month i’m gonna miss them sm :( reblogs and feedback are appreciated i’d love to hear your thoughts 🥺 p.s. it does get pretty heavy so pls take care of urself while reading 🫂 hugs and kisses

—

jungkook lets out a big yawn, removing his glasses so he can wipe off the sleepy tears from his eyes. his phone pings with new text messages and he peers down at the table to read them.

01:18am

stop texting.

why are you still awake? you have that big presentation tomorrow.

you need your brain functioning at full capacity so you can answer the prof’s questions.

he types out his response.

01:20am

i want to sleep too but i’m not yet done practicing 🥲

if you’re on a mission to make him fall hopelessly in love, it would be safe to say that you’re succeeding. instead of being a distraction, here you are showing concern for his health and motivating him about his studies. he’s not used to having this kind of dynamic with the people he likes. usually he’d be stubborn and stay on his phone, but he puts it down so he can refocus on his slides. he’s excited to do his presentation well and gush about it with you at the end of the day.

twenty minutes later, a rapping at the door disrupts his concentration.

“he better not be drunk.” he grumbles on his way to the door.

no one else would disturb him at this time but taehyung.

but it’s not taehyung.

it’s you.

“i didn’t wake you, did i?”

“no, no- i was still-” he takes a glimpse at his messy desk. “practicing for the presentation… uhm, i thought you were at work?”

“we don’t have work today.”

you nonchalantly bring out a glass full of green goop from your back, encouraging him to take it.

“here, drink this.”

he stares at it in bewilderment as he slowly accepts it. “what’s this?”

“bedtime smoothie.”

you sense his disgust and foreboding.

“there’s bananas and cherry juice in there.”

that knowledge emboldens him to take a sip. he licks off the mustache it leaves on top of his lips. “hmm, not bad!”

“i told you so.” you send him a tight-lipped smile which disappears in two seconds. “do you want some help practicing?”

“oh, that’s right.” his eyes widen. “you’re good at speaking!”

he steps aside so you can pass through the narrow entrance.

“please come in.”

jungkook is compelled to make himself clear. he hasn’t invested on a shelf. never found the time. his room may look like a mess to an outsider’s eyes but he has an organized system and he’s incredibly resourceful.

“jungkook… you can’t live like this.”

is it that bad?

his jaw slacks when you pick up a plastic bag on the floor and begin throwing in the scattered empty cans and bottles of caffeine on and around his desk, including the one he hasn’t finished drinking yet. that— he won’t win defending.

“you’ll die at this rate.” you rebuke him calmly. “do you even drink water?”

“of course i do!” he proceeds to drink the smoothie you made for him. “but you drink a lot of coffee too.”

“not anymore,” you head to his fridge after dumping the plastic bag in the trash. “i’m already adjusted to my job… i’m taking these.”

you bring out the two remaining cans of energy drinks and stuff them into the pocket of your hoodie.

“you can’t just take them!”

you ignore his protest. “is the smoothie good? you like it, right?”

his shoulders deflate in defeat. he takes another gulp and swallows, nodding happily. “i like it.”

“then i’ll make you an energy-boosting one when you need it. i received fruit baskets at work. they’d only go bad if i try to eat everything alone.”

“sounds like a sweet deal,” he grins.

he’s definitely not complaining. the artificial flavoring of the energy drinks pale in comparison to the real thing.

“okay, let’s get started then.” you pad over to his desk.

you hand him his laptop which is displaying his powerpoint before making yourself comfortable on his chair.

he stands infront of you awkwardly. “we’re really doing this?”

“we are,” you reply curtly, sinking further into the chair. it’s a pretty big chair, even for him. it’s endearing to see you play around with it. “are you nervous? you can’t be nervous.”

“i’m not,” he lies. “i’m a professional!”

you have no idea that you make him more nervous than having forty other people in the same room.

he sighs. “hold this for me then.”

you take the glass into your hands, sipping a little. he clears his throat and pretends that didn’t affect him at all.

“okay, let’s start… good mor-”

“wait-” you shake your head, demandingly waving your hand to the right. “wrong slide.”

—

“where are you? i thought you were going to help me with my project?”

jimin, a friend he met through a school organization two years ago, begins coughing dramatically over the phone. “jungkook, i’m sorry. i’m feeling under the weather.”

jungkook grimaces, stopping on his tracks to berate him. “hyung, i can hear the dj music!”

“ah, yes…” he can practically hear the wheels in jimin’s brain turn. “actually, i’m about to leave the club! since i’m not feeling so well.”

“wow,” he huffs out a laugh. “you’re really terrible.”

“i’m serious! let’s reschedule tomorrow. i’ll buy you dinner so we can catch up too.”

“fine,” he blows a loud breath.

“i love you, jungkook-ah.” jimin proclaims with exaggerated affection.

he makes a noise of disgust. “you’re really drunk.”

“oh, why aren’t you saying it back?” jimin angrily questions him.

“maybe i will, after you buy me food.”

“okay,” jimin cackles. “i’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“okay, goodbye.”

he drops the call, still uncertain whether jimin was lying or not. either way, he gets a free meal and he no longer feels the need to complain.

he shrugs and continues his journey home.

that is until he inhales the unmistakable scent of smoke from the alleyway.

again, it could be anybody, but there’s a peculiar feeling that won’t let him move forward. deja vú is what they call it. it is often described as bittersweet, but jungkook is nervous. scared even.

he doesn’t want his gut feeling to be right.

he knows what your sobs sound like, their effect on him and his heart that is awfully weak when it comes to you, but he wants to be wrong so badly.

right then and there, jungkook faces a dilemma.

those who hide do not want to be found.

he has the choice to keep walking, pretend that he was never here. that it doesn’t hurt him to walk away. he can do what he failed to do the first time and not jump in to interpret your crying as a cry for help.

he stands there like a fool waiting for the stars to spell out the correct answer for him to read.

unfortunately for him, life doesn’t work that way and there isn’t even one to wish upon.

you flicked his forehead and erased his memories. if he makes the same mistake twice, then maybe he can use that as an excuse to lessen the burden of regret.

—

you flinch and lift your head in fear when something bumps against your knee, but that fear soon morphs into an entirely new fear when you perceive the person sitting infront of you.

your bloodshot eyes make out jungkook’s features in the dim light.

you’re no stranger to that look. you know what you look like. the cigarette tastes terrible, it doesn’t smell better with liquor either. there are teardrops on the ground and your sobs are caught in your throat and they come out as hiccups. you wouldn’t even dare to call yourself a mess, because scattered pieces of a broken whole float on the surface and sometimes miraculously wash ashore. you’re at the rock bottom being eaten alive and you’re not going anywhere else.

“just walk away,” you croak out, pushing him away with the hand not holding the cigarette.

he doesn’t budge. you don’t know if it’s because you’re too weak or he’s too strong.

“i can’t leave you like this.”

“you can,” you argue.

“you don’t have to be alone. i’m here.”

he holds your arms, coaxing you to recognize the sincerity in his eyes. those wide doe eyes, always shining when you reflect on their irises. you wish they could stay that way forever. you wish you could be at peace with that.

“you can confide in me. you can use me. whatever you need to feel better. ____, please.”

“you can’t help me.” you bluntly assert. before he begins begging. before he says more swoon-worthy words that would break down the walls you’ve built. “i appreciate the thought, but nothing you can do will make this better.”

god knows that you’re yearning to hear them, but you still don’t know how much of it you can trust.

“maybe i can!” he interjects. desperately. his grip on you tightens a little. it steadies your body as your mind and heart fall apart, but you feel suffocated.

“jungkook, i don’t want to fight right now.”

“if you just let me try, ____. i’m here for you. i swear i won’t pass judgement or-”

“you can’t! okay? you can’t!” you break down, uncontrollable sobs making your words less coherent. “you’re just wasting your time!”

with every morsel of strength you have left, you force yourself to stand up. an unnamed object clatters on the ground and you shove jungkook to the ground without meaning to.

a combination of hurt and shock flashes across his face. you become racked with guilt.

however, this is what you wanted. this is for the best. you’re supposed to live a quiet life and not get too close with anyone, but you don’t cause a person this type of pain, and you don’t feel this guilty about it, if your hearts were never intertwined.

you should be the one to walk away.

every step you take to escape from him is heavy. you’re confused by the contradictions between your mind and heart and the last thing you need right now is confusing. what else can you do but run?

jungkook wraps his arms around you from behind, stopping you on your tracks.

“what are you doing?”

the world stops for a little while.

“let g- let me go!”

you struggle out of his embrace, and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t disappointed he let you go so easily.

“you think a hug’s going to make me feel better and fix my life? are you that naive…? wow, i envy you. if it was that easy, i wouldn’t be at this fucking dumpster with you!”

maybe you’re even angry that he did, pounding away at his chest with rigid fists to break his heart too. your throat is painful and rough from screaming but the thought of losing your voice doesn’t occur to you. apparently, you don’t care that you’re burning your lungs either. the world may very well end at this moment because that’s what it feels like. you have nothing left to lose but this vessel— and this vessel is heavy, worn-out, and incurable.

you’re an overflowing sink of adrenaline rush, shaking and tearing apart at the seams.

“i never would’ve ruined my hair with this- this stupid color. i wouldn’t be getting cursed at by bigoted strangers because they hate my accent…”

your forehead collapses on jungkook’s chest. a string of sobs follow the words that were forcefully uttered against your better judgment. you would’ve been fine after a smoke and a good cry, not processing anything so you can settle with being numb instead of jaded.

“i’d still be studying. i’d become a doctor. i wouldn’t give a fuck about fishes and what they can and can’t eat.”

—

for the first time, your laugh stabs him in the chest instead of making his heart flutter.

“i’d be living a good life not being bombarded by someone who-” you hit his chest with every word spoken with gritted teeth. “wants to be the fucking hero. i don’t need you!”

there’s no way. you don’t mean that. you’re just angry. jungkook convinces himself in his head as he openly takes the hits. he did say you could confide in him—use him—and you’re doing it right now. he just didn’t know he’d have to grow thicker skin on the spot to be what you need.

your icy glare pierces through him and renders him motionless.

“you can’t do anything, so please, don’t feel bad for me.” you sneer. “it’s making me feel bad for you.”

—

you’ve stormed off and jungkook stays right where you left him, wiping away his tears. the last time he cried was when his ex-girlfriend broke up with him. that was over a year ago, it only dawns on him now.

you’ve been the only person in his mind since that one sunny june day.

where he stands, the autumn winds are getting colder and the winter is fast approaching.

just as fast your lives were weaved into a blooming wildflower did it also begin to wither.

jungkook does want to save you, but he doesn’t want to be a hero. after all the time you’ve spent together, do you sincerely see him as someone who values self-interest most of all? the truth did come out, the snide truth, a bitter pill he can’t swallow. you don’t want to be here. he can’t save you. it can’t be possible when he’s part of the picture you can’t stomach to look at.

“hyung,” he tries to be strong but his voice wavers, echoing the wretched state of him. “are you still at the club?”

“i’ll turn on my location.” jimin responds without question, which jungkook is thankful for. “call me when you’re near. be safe, got it?”

“yes, hyung,” he ends the call.

he inhales sharply, hoping that would alleviate the weight on his chest and allow him to move his feet. the heavy smell of burnt chemicals still hangs in the air. even after everything, he’s envious of the discarded stick of drug on the ground for having touched your lips.

jungkook turns to leave, but is interrupted by a small object caught underneath his shoe. he picks it up for inspection— a blue lighter hand painted with a goldfish.

he doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

—

you woke up with a pounding headache, burdened with immense regret you assume. you deserve it. you don’t remember the exact words you said but you only scream when you don’t know what you’re talking about. you pushed away the only person who cared enough to sit with you in the dark. the line between right and wrong is blurring. you don’t know what you’re doing with your life anymore, if you’re doing anything so that it could be heading somewhere.

you thought life couldn’t possibly get worse, but here you are anxiously nibbling at your nails as you wait for a man to reply to your texts because you’re scared of losing him.

08:25am

jungkook i'm sorry about what happened last night i never meant to act that way and hurt you. i was out of my mind

i know you really care about me and i'm grateful for that

please forgive me

09:13am

[attached image]

you gaze wistfully into the aquarium. the fishes swim around with considerably more energy after their breakfast, and it drives you to wonder if jungkook fed them dinner. last night was the first night you received no messages from jungkook, not even an image alone.

“i think i fucked it up with your dad.”

you spot dahlia, and clementine, and coral, and tangerine… blissfully unaware of you drowning in misery.

accordingly, the wildcard emerges from the shipwreck. it swims to you, the glass acting as the barrier that prevents it from kissing your nose.

it doesn’t do this to jungkook, so you like to think that you’re special. you feel guilty that you failed to treat it the same.

“poor thing,” you hang your head in shame, sniffling. “we haven’t even named you yet.”

—

you learned from the new security guard on the night shift that jungkook requested for her to take over feeding for the meantime. three more days pass without any sign or trace of him, and yet you still send him your good morning pictures and you hang out at the lobby waiting for him to come home.

he has to come home soon.

he still lives here… right?

11:47pm

how long will you ignore me?

where are you? i'll come to you

please, let’s talk

you jolt on your seat when your phone vibrates with a ping!

12:01am

jungkook:

meet me at the rooftop

you are charged with joy and relief as much as confusion.

there’s… a rooftop?

—

you stand at the door staring at jungkook’s back, gathering all courage to face him despite your shame eating away at you.

“i didn’t know tenants were allowed here.”

“we’re not,”

he looks back at you, and surprisingly enough, his charming smile melts away your anxiety. you can’t tell if that’s a good thing or bad thing. it’s not right for you to fall in love.

“why are you still standing there?” he chuckles. he sits on a low table with his legs crossed, feet tucked beneath his thighs. he pats the space next to him. “here, sit.”

with a nod, you close the door behind you. you sit beside him, but with considerable distance, like the first time you sat next to each other.

“the view is quite nice.”

in consideration of the time, you didn’t expect so many lights. they look like shining stars from where you are, only that you can actually reach for them if you try. you even spot a ferris wheel. although, you’re not certain if it’s from the amusement park jungkook works at.

“it is, isn’t it?”

“do you go up here often?”

“not since the aquarium became our spot.”

our spot.

you smile to yourself, eyes falling on your lap as you mindlessly fiddle with your fingers.

“i’m sorry… for what happened.” you pause to swallow the lump in your throat, breathing shakily.

as ever, it’s difficult to apologize to someone and agree that there are dispensable parts of you. you’re scared that you might cry again infront of him. it never ends well.

“i-i was having a bad day, and i didn’t want to drag you down with me. but i got overwhelmed by my emotions and i said words i didn’t mean. you didn’t deserve that. i’m sorry.”

“hey, i understand.” he replies kindly. “it’s also my fault.”

“no, it’s not.” you jump in, not being able to stand him taking blame. “you’re a really good person, jungkook.”

he shakes his head. “i should’ve backed off when you told me to leave.”

“but i do like being with you.”

“and you mean that?”

he gazes at you with those endearing doe eyes. you look somewhere else to quell the funny feeling in your heart.

“of course i do.”

jungkook crosses the distance between you, teasingly bumping his shoulder against yours. “i like being with you too.”

just an hour ago you thought you’d lost him, now he’s here effortlessly making you laugh. perhaps you do take life too seriously, submissive to fear. you weren’t always like this. you wish you could unlearn the new way that you function.

“so do you forgive me or should i grovel more?”

“i forgive you.” he rolls his eyes. “i’m not that mean.”

“apparently i’m the mean one between us.”

“you are,” he chuckles, leaning back and balancing himself with his hands anchored behind on the table.

for some sick reason, this new position of his leaves you hot and bothered. thankfully, you’ve mastered the art of maintaining a calm demeanor. albeit, it’s not always that you use it for this reason.

“you seriously hurt my feelings back there, you know that?”

“i’m so sorry. i’m really, really sorry.” you apologize more expressively within the more comfortable space the both of you created. “…when is your birthday?”

his forehead wrinkles in confusion at the random question. “why?”

“you’re my friend.” you point out. “we should know these things at least.”

“it’s on september one.”

“what?!”

he blinks innocently. “what?”

“it’s already november!” you point out, taken aback by the fact that you totally missed it. “why didn’t you tell me?”

“you were busy with work. besides, it wasn’t a big deal. i just had beer and meat with my friends.” he shrugs, brushing it off. “when’s yours?”

you rise on your feet, dust off your bottom, and begin marching towards the door.

“where are you going…? yah, ____!”

“i need to do something.” you vaguely inform him, waving your hand. “stay there! wait for me!”

—

“what’s taking so long?” jungkook thinks out loud, scratching his head.

it’s been fifteen minutes since you left. you couldn’t have forgotten about him already, could you? that might hurt him worse than when you were screaming and punching his chest. he slept over at taehyung’s dorm for a few nights, hoping to find some peace and clarity within a different space, but he was pretty much ready to forgive you when you texted him to apologize, then followed it up with a photo of coral eating. however, taehyung went on and on about his wounded pride, and maybe he did want to see you grovel and feel that he is at some level of importance to you.

he perks up when the door opens and your head pops out of nowhere, peeking. when did you put on a cap and face mask? did you go out? anyway, you’re so cute, he gushes to himself.

“close your eyes!”

“why would i do that?”

“just do it!” you demand with an angry pout.

“okay, okay- fine!” he surrenders. “i’m closing them now.”

“no peeking. i see your eyelashes moving.”

“how do you even see from there?!”

he hears your scoff and the clicking of your shoes as you walk. “you’re not sleek, you know?”

a series of rustling. a mystery object placed on the table. he gets a whiff of your perfume, powdery and fruity sweet, the next second, you’re tying a silk scarf over his eyes.

“what’s happening?” he laughs nervously.

he knows that is not what’s happening, but the impure thoughts enter his mind anyway.

“i need a minute.”

you sit beside him, your knee bumping against his. he hears more movements take place.

“can i remove it now?”

“i said a minute.”

he frowns impatiently. “a minute has passed though.”

“no, it hasn’t.” you counter. “now hush and cover your ears.”

“cover my ears?” he repeats to make sure he heard you correctly.

“yes!”

“why?” he whines. “what is this about?”

“just do it, please?” you plead with him sweetly, covering his ears with your hands as if to demonstrate.

and since he’s already too deep into this, he obeys your third instruction. he puts his hands over yours, and then you slip away, leaving him covering his ears the way that you wanted.

“okay, you can look now!”

jungkook removes the scarf over his eyes, and discovers a sight so beautiful, he wants to cry that he can’t permanently capture it in a polaroid.

this is the first time he’s seeing you in this light, the warm orange glow of birthday candles that paints you spellbinding golden. you’re beaming at him, with a rare smile that reaches your eyes, as you hold up a round chocolate cake topped by fresh strawberries.

just when he thought it was impossible to fall in love with you harder, you begin singing the happy birthday song. instead of clapping, you sway your body ever so slowly and gracefully. what is arguably considered the jolliest song on earth, you transform into a soft lullaby— the kind that flies you to the night sky and tucks you into bed on the moon, gathers the fluffy clouds and handcrafts them into pillows and a blanket. your voice is light and delicate, sweet as candy. it is an instrument on its own and you do not need anything else. he never knew you were a good singer.

“happy birthday, dear jungkook~ happy birthday to you…”

this is his best birthday yet, and it’s not even his actual birthday.

jungkook is stupidly and hopelessly in love with you.

he welcomes doom, hangs its coat, and pours it a hot cup of tea.

“i hope you like chocolate. i fought someone for this.” you shyly confess with a laugh. “turns out there’s not many bakeries open at midnight.”

he is speechless.

his gaze falls on your lap for a moment, where lies an opened plastic clamshell container, two strawberries too small compared to the ones decorating the cake. on the table, a fruit knife sits on top of the cake box.

you even decorated the bare sides of the cake with half strawberries. he doesn’t think he has seen someone do that yet.

“i- i like it so much.” he stutters. “you made the cake so pretty.”

“thank you!” you beam at the compliment. “okay, time to make a wish.”

he panics a little. he doesn’t know if it’s only a personal or perhaps a universal thing, but he tends to feel pressured when he has to make a birthday wish. he always wants a lot of things.

“five candles means ‘i’m sorry and happy birthday’ by the way.”

but there is five candles, so maybe he is free to be greedy this time.

he slowly flutters his eyes shut, and he takes his time to think. after whispering his wish to the universe, he blows out all of the candles.

“what did you wish for?”

there is five candles, but he only wished for one thing.

“if i tell you…” he begins, transfixed eyes tracing down to your lips. “will you make it come true?”

they part slightly as your chest begins to heave, cranberry stained and inviting.

he yearns, he craves. he doesn’t want to live with regrets, haunted by the what if’s. all or nothing. you deserve his all. he surrenders everything to your court for the touch of your lips.

are you thinking what he’s thinking? do you feel the way he does?

tell him he’s not the only one losing his mind. please.

and when your eyes lock, there is a palpable electricity none of you can deny.

“it’s for your birthday. you don’t have to ask.”

again, the best birthday ever.

without another word, he crosses the short distance, pressing his lips against yours.

there is no fireworks like in the movies and fairytales. instead, he gets flashes of memories in his mind. all those awkward and comfortable moments, stolen glances, blushing and stuttering, captured images, sleepless nights, tears shed. even the bitter memories inserted make this kiss much sweeter. it’s infinitely better than he could’ve ever imagined.

he removes his hand tenderly cupping your cheek, also the other that is anchored on the table, blindly searching until he successfully engulfs your delicate hands in his. he holds them, and the board carrying the cake, tightly.

when you smile against his lips, so does he. you give him a firm peck, so hot that he almost falters on his seat, before breaking away.

“let’s put this aside first.” you giggle, guiding your restless hands to set it down on the table. “you have chocolate all over your hand.”

jungkook can hear you, but he’s not listening. he immediately goes for your lips again, and ends up sorely disappointed when you dodge him.

“whoa, wait. you’ll smear chocolate on my face-”

“you said i don’t have to ask.” he argues.

you narrow your eyes at him.

he hurries with a solution. “i’ll keep my hands behind my back.” and true to his words, he acts as if his hands have been cuffed.

“that works,” you shrug.

he is to blame for his nasty torture when you drag yourself closer to him, draping your legs over his thighs and wrapping your arms around his neck.

you’re practically sitting on his lap and he can’t touch you with his dirty hands. ridiculous.

there is the urge to complain, then lost and forgotten after you seal his lips with yours. he is the luckiest man on earth tonight.

—

“will you stay the night?”

jungkook’s cheeks are beginning to ache, but he can’t stop smiling for the life of him. how could he not? you’re lying on his bed, and this time you’re both under the covers. it can’t be more perfect than this, the way you’re mirroring each other. he’s admiring your face and you haven’t averted your eyes from his either.

at this moment, it feels like nothing else in the world matters.

“if i’m being honest, i’m still scared of the ghost.”

“is he bothering you again?” he quirks an eyebrow, prepared to brawl with a bothersome spirit. he is suddenly aware that the lamp is the only source of light in the apartment. “do we turn on another light?”

“no,“ you chuckle at his reaction. “but he appeared in my dream once after that.”

“what about me?”

“you?” you send him a puzzled look.

he grins toothily. “do i appear in your dreams?”

that earns him a sarcastic roll of the eyes.

“why is it suddenly about you?”

“i’m helping you get your mind off the ghost!”

“can we just… i don’t know…” you avoid his intense gaze, chewing on your bottom lip. “cuddle?”

this is real, right? he isn’t hallucinating?

he already made out with you until the two of you couldn’t breathe. surely, cuddling is nothing compared to that… but he has pined for you for months. going from zero to a hundred is giving him emotional motion sickness. like a rollercoaster, but arguably more dangerous. and he shamelessly lives for that.

“oh, so you got mad at me last week for hugging you but now you want to cuddle?” he mocks humorously.

“change is the only constant in life.” you say as a matter of fact.

and jungkook isn’t very fond of that knowledge, but if it led you to his arms tonight, then he can try to make peace with it.

he spreads his arms, and you push yourself close with an arm over his waist, until you’re properly hugging him and he has your body cocooned with his.

he breathes out a sigh. this is heaven.

“so? have you dreamt of me?”

you make a noise of protest, cheek squished against his chest.

“come on, humor me.” he coaxes you into revelation. “it’s my birthday.”

“…we went on a ferris wheel once.“

“really? were we on a date?”

“i don’t remember.”

“what were we doing?” he continues poking.

“i don’t remember.”

“that’s it?” he grumbles. “you must remember something else.”

you giggle. “it was a long time ago, jungkook.”

“and you didn’t dream of me again after that?”

“stop,” you draw back just enough to see his face. “we have more important things to discuss.”

jungkook gulps nervously.

more important things like what? the meaning of that kiss…? um, kisses? the label of your relationship? are you really bringing it up right away like this? he imagined he would be the one to do it.

“there’s one fish left without a name.”

oh… his face falls.

“have you thought of one?”

“i have, but…” you jut out your bottom lip. “don’t we decide together?”

beneath the stoic demeanor you parade around wearing, he realizes that you’re just like everybody else, craving to be held and to spend quality time with someone who makes you feel special.

he doesn’t hold back on kissing you.

“we will!” he pinches your cheek, which brings out your smile. “i’ll tell you what i think.”

“that goldfish actually reminds me of you.”

“really?”

you nod eagerly.

“how so?”

“the both of you,” you giggle. “always follow me around.”

his jaw falls slack, not expecting to be called out like that. you’re having fun with the fact that he’s wrapped around your finger, huh?

“so you want to name it after me?”

“something like that, but let’s make your name sound cute.”

you hum as the gears in your brain turn. on the other hand, jungkook is not thinking at all, he’s memorizing your face. maybe it’s an artist’s sickness aggravated when faced with the apple of their eye.

“jung… kook…” you take a long pause, lips left in the shape ‘O’ due to the pronunciation of his name. “kook…?”

“you know, i do get called jungkookie sometimes.”

“jungkookie…?” you slowly repeat the nickname.

seconds later, your face lights up.

“then how about kookie? cookie but with-” you draw the letter into the thin air using your index finger. “a ‘k’?”

jungkook is relieved that you instantly put two and two together. he didn’t want to be the one to suggest it. honestly, rather than a cute vibe, he’s going for the manly vibe.

“it sounds so cute. what do you think?”

“i think so too!”

as long as it makes you look this happy, he’d accept any name that you come up with.

“okay, it’s official.” you return to cuddling up to him. “i can sleep peacefully from now on.”

was that bothering you? you truly do care for them. he thinks you might care more than he does.

“let’s sleep…”

before closing his eyes, he plants an affectionate kiss on top of your head. the truth is he doesn’t want to sleep. if it was up to him, this moment would stretch into forever. as you slip into unconsciousness, he tries his damn hardest to resist it. he yawns, wipes his sleepy tears dry on the pillowcase, caresses your hair and forces his hand to move again when it falls on the bed.

“jungkook?”

he hears your voice in its tiniest form yet.

you’re still awake?

he barely is anymore.

“mhmm?”

“i really am,” he feels a light tug at the back of his shirt, your weak hand forming a closed fist. “sorry.”

—

jungkook wakes up at 5am with his stomach grumbling for food. your positions shifted throughout the night and he lies there cuddling you from behind, spending five minutes or so dwelling on regrets. he pictures the cake in the fridge, still in pristine condition, and how different it could’ve been if he didn’t stop himself after three stolen strawberries.

after that, he thinks about breakfast. rolled omelette would be amazing right now. he just stocked up on side dishes too. only problem is he forgot to buy eggs.

who goes to the supermarket and somehow manages to miss the whole egg section?

jeon jungkook, apparently.

a challenge arises: getting out of bed without waking you up. he isn’t a novice, but he isn’t exactly an expert either. he figures it’s just based on luck, and he’s… very unlucky.

he manages to slip out the arm you’re using as a pillow, replacing it with a real one hoping that you wouldn’t notice the difference in your sleep. a second later and you’re already stretching out your limbs.

“where are you going?” you utter raspily, swollen eyes from sleep peering at him.

“out- to buy eggs for breakfast.” he replies in a low voice.

you start to harshly rub off the sleep from your eyes.

“i’ll go with you.”

“there’s no need.” he strokes your hair gently. “sleep more.”

you shake your head stubbornly. “i need to buy something too.”

you drag yourself off of the bed before he can stop you. from your toes down to the heel, you slightly stumble when your feet touch the ground.

“i’ll brush my teeth.”

—

once you and jungkook step out of the building, you both find that it’s still before sunrise, but the street lamps are already turned off. everything under the sky is washed with a shade of blue. it feels almost illegal to be here with no other souls walking the streets, but you can breathe a little easier, and you’re warm because jungkook is holding your hand inside the pocket of his jacket.

what was supposed to be a stolen glance turns into an enamored gaze.

“you look pretty.”

“so do you,” the two corners of your mouth lift into a quick, shy smile.

“yah, jungkook!”

that’s taehyung’s voice.

his best friend approaches from the opposite direction, a pomeranian on a leash waddling and wagging its tail beside him. despite the distance, jungkook can already see his smirk poking fun at him.

count on him to disrupt a perfectly romantic and peaceful moment.

as soon as they meet halfway, jungkook shows him a grimace.

“what are you doing here?”

“to return your camera,” he waves the silver film camera, its strap wrapped around his wrist. “i’m taking tannie on a walk so i decided i’d bring it over.”

“okay, give it and go on your way.”

jungkook snatches it from him, wearing the camera around his wrist as the rightful owner.

when taehyung finally sets his sight on you, jungkook’s fear of embarrassment instantly kicks in. if he says something stupid, he swears to god— he lets go of your hand in favor of putting his arm around your shoulder, gently tugging you closer to him.

“you must be ____!” taehyung snaps his fingers when he, at last, recalls your name, which jungkook knows he’s grown tired of hearing. “nice to meet you! i’m taehyung.”

“ah, yes…”

jungkook senses your awkwardness. he presses his lips into a thin line, sending his best friend a threatening glare that screams ‘i know i’m a hypocrite, but don’t embarrass me.’

“it’s nice to meet you too.” you offer him a polite bow.

“yeontan seems to like you a lot.” taehyung laughs, gesturing at his dog who is nuzzling its face against your shin.

jungkook also smiles in endearment. that’s another animal drawn to you for some unknown reason. he can’t say he’s surprised.

“does he bite?” you cautiously ask.

“no, he’s nice. you can pet him.”

you nod, bending down to gingerly scratch yeontan’s fluffy ears. “hello, yeontan.” you quietly greet him with a voice so sweet.

“honestly, ____ looks familiar to me. have we met before?”

“must be when she rode the dreamboat before.”

“i don’t think that’s it though?” taehyung tilts his head, still racking his memories for your face. “i think i saw her more recently, but maybe not with pink hair.”

you stiffen beside jungkook, knees going weak out of the blue. you straighten up, but you keep your head slightly bowed down, hair falling over your face.

“that’s impossible. maybe it was someone who looks like her.”

“ah, maybe,”

taehyung rubs the back of his neck, giving in to the theory.

“alright then, tannie is getting hyper.” he snorts at his pet trying to run away but is held back by its leash. “see you around, ____! i’ll see you at work, bro!”

“sorry about that.” jungkook intertwines your fingers again. “let’s go.”

he moves forward, and you get left behind.

“____?”

his concern grows when he observes your despondent body language.

“are you okay?”

“huh? oh- i’m okay.”

you snap out of it, but as you walk to the convenience store together, jungkook gets the impression that something is weighing on your mind.

—

jungkook watches you move around the store through the viewfinder of his camera, zooming in on your face when you whip your head around. it fails to capture the countless packs of lozenges you’re hugging to your chest.

“miss ____, who are you buying so many candies for?”

you blink down at them before innocently staring back at the camera. “they’re for my co-workers. it’s flu season so many of them are getting sick.”

—

with the sun returning to reign over the vast sky, the shade of blue has been replaced by an orange hue. the two of you walk back to your apartment building in silence. he doesn’t know what’s wrong, if it’s his fault or not, but your mood changed after your encounter with taehyung.

you’ve decided you want some space and jungkook respects that. the entire time, he thinks about how his hand feels empty without yours. is he being paranoid? he feels like he’s already woken up from a dream too good to be true, crafted out of his greatest fantasies, and he’s going to be thrust into a nightmare— learning that none of it was real. this endless push and pull with you, he’s grown to be somewhat ill at ease in your presence.

he wants it to go away.

he moves closer, content with the mere brush of the back of your fingers against his, but that small pleasure is robbed from him when you pull your hand away.

“let’s stop here.”

the decisive tone of your voice instantly fills him with dread.

you turn to face him, and he searches your eyes for any trace of emotion. sadness, or fear, or even humor… but he gets nothing.

“let’s stop seeing and texting each other.”

and he’s scared most of all when you’re impossible to read. just when he thought he had managed to slither past your walls, he is met by larger and stronger ones with welded spikes.

“what are you talking about?”

“i don’t want anything to do with you anymore.”

you said it like it’s nothing. like you haven’t consumed his every thought since he saw you crying and you broke his heart without him knowing your name. like you haven’t been breaking his heart over and over again and he still can’t bring himself to detach from you.

“what is this joke? it’s not really funny.”

but he laughs anyway, or else he’d start crying, and you’d want him less.

“just forget all about me.”

his muscles tense. even now, he doesn’t know if he’s angry, but he is lost and it hurts so much, and he doesn’t know how else to express it without appearing weak.

“you think that’s something i can just do overnight?”

“what makes it so hard?” you raise your voice. the venom stings without the bite. “you don’t even know me that well!”

“then what was last night even about?” he hisses, hands balling into fists. “did you do that just to fuck with my feelings? am i just a game to you? what the fuck is your problem, ____?”

“you told me to use you to make myself feel better!”

it completely catches him off guard when you stomp your feet and produce guttural screams— it borders on a childish tantrum— you damage your throat in doing so, voice coming out high-pitched and scratched up.

his jaw clenches, straining to hold back his tears. the sun has risen and you’ve come to your senses. he regrets opening his eyes and acknowledging the morning.

“it didn’t work— is that what you’re saying? is that why you’re throwing me away?”

he doesn’t get a verbal answer, but your glassy-eyed stare and labored breathing have answered enough.

“wow, that hurts…” he chuckles sarcastically. “yah, seriously- i have to give it to you. i’m shocked… you’re good. you’re a good actor.”

he uses his middle finger to wipe the corners of his eyes, acting as though they are tears of amusement.

“you know, out of everyone i liked… you have to be the most cruel.”

jungkook’s pride has never been this crushed. he feels utterly infuriated and humiliated. yet another exchange of ‘i should have listened’ and ‘i told you so’ between him and his best friend. he’s also sick and tired of his heart leading him to the opposite direction of the love he deserves.

“i hope you find some other lunatic who would let you use them too. have a good life.”

this time around, he walks away, and he would like to think that he did it on his own terms.

—

jungkook loses his appetite after that. he informs his manager that he won’t be able to go to work because he’s feeling under the weather, then he drags himself back to bed.

your scent has clung to the pillowcase, the sheets…

it’s unbearable.

despite his lack of energy, he forces himself to set up the extra bed on the floor. he expected himself to have difficulty falling asleep, but the amalgamation of physical and emotional exhaustion pulls him down under.

he wakes up again in the afternoon. he ignores the cake in the fridge, instead snacking on yogurt and crackers while watching a movie on his computer. he takes a long shower after and buries himself in assignments until dinner time rolls in.

by this time, he assumes taehyung has blabbed about what he saw this morning. his friends must think he’s out here relishing in the honeymoon phase. how he wishes it was true.

he has that whole carton of eggs but he doesn’t have it in him to cook anymore. maybe it’s best that he surrounds himself with people, disrupt his depressing thoughts with loud chatter, and so he makes plans to go to the street market.

“wait!”

he sprints to the elevator, managing to slip his arm between the doors before they close entirely.

under different circumstances, this would’ve been fate instead of bad luck.

—

you stand your ground as jungkook enters the elevator, not sparing him a glance. just like you wanted, he also treats you with indifference. it’s hard to breathe in an enclosed space with him now that he hates you.

two girls from the eleventh floor enter; they stand infront of you and jungkook.

“did you find the video?” the girl infront of you, with the blonde hair, asks impatiently.

“wait- i’m looking for it.” her friend, you assume, replies as she is focused on aggressively scrolling and tapping on her phone screen.

“having a sex scandal with your professor? wow, that’s really something. how does that even happen?”

your blood runs cold.

from that statement alone, you can make an educated guess on what exactly they are talking about, but your brain tries to reject the thought. there are many scandals going around these days. maybe they’re talking about somebody else. you hope they are. does that make you a bad person?

“that’s not confirmed, though. the guy’s face doesn’t show in the video… oh, i found it!”

she presents her phone screen to the blonde-haired girl, and you feel as though gallons of ice have been dumped over your head. through the gap between their arms, you get a good view of your face. of the video you were forced to watch so you could acknowledge your sin… the video that not only damaged your reputation but stripped you away of everything. your dignity, your dreams, your people, the essence of your being.

you don’t need to look to know that beside you, jungkook is also secretly watching.

you’re trapped.

“this was really popular at snu but it suddenly got spread outside. my cousin who studies there said the girl’s parents are like- super rich- and they tried to bribe the university, but she still got kicked out. i think her name is ____?”

you bow your head to hide your face, vision gradually going blurry. strangers drop your name so casually to tell the shortest life story known to man. they discard the majority of the parts, retain and distort what entertains them, and in the end, they decide who you are.

you knew it was going to happen eventually, but this isn’t how you wanted jungkook to learn.

you didn’t want to be here for it.

“wow, she’s going at it.”

a scandalized gasp.

“no wonder men are going crazy over this. even the quality is-”

“insane, right?!” the storyteller whisper-shouts.

“but… what if she doesn’t know she’s being recorded? getting kicked out sounds a bit unfair, no?”

“no, no- she even holds the camera when they switch positions. watch!”

you can’t. you can’t take it anymore. you turn away, squeezing your eyes shut in extreme anguish.

you don’t realize that you’re shaking until jungkook holds your hand tightly, it’s almost crushing.

“ah, what are you doing?! turn it off! turn it off! it’s too disgusting from this angle!”

you look at him in shock, for a split moment you forgot he was there. his features have softened; so does your heart.

although you can’t exactly figure out how he’s feeling, you’d take anything that isn’t disgust.

the elevator reaches the ground floor.

as the girls take their leave, you also attempt to step out— but jungkook doesn’t let you. he grips your hand tighter and he presses the button of your apartment floor.

“why did you- i need to go to work…” you meant to chastise him, but your voice comes out small.

“stay a little bit. it’s still early.” he speaks to you softly, wiping off the beads of cold sweat on your forehead.

when did that happen?

“no, i need to-”

you feel dizzy; the walls are closing in on you. the turning of your stomach is bordering on intolerable. you lurch, pushing him away as you clamp a hand over your mouth and gag uncontrollably. you’ve had to experience this humiliation in school hallways, public spaces… in front of your friends, your parents; in the dean’s office. this is the first time your body is having this type of reaction; you feel physically sick, like your body is shutting down.

he rubs your back as an effort to alleviate your ails. “are you okay?”

you could answer, but what’s the point? you’re breaking down in front of him again. you’re no longer the mystifying neighbor he obviously yet secretly cherishes. he has discovered the missing puzzle piece you could never bury even if you died trying.

“did you enjoy it?”

“what?”

you wish he would stop looking at you with those big, sparkly eyes. at this moment, they’re making you feel small.

“the video. was it fun watching it too?”

the silence is suffocating.

he utters your name. he doesn’t know what to say; you don’t know what you want to hear either.

“it doesn’t change the way i see you.”

“bullshit,” you spit out— a knee-jerk reaction.

“look, i-i don’t know what happened but this isn’t right. you don’t deserve this. you can sue ever- wait! ____!”

the elevator opens and he chases after you, effectively blocking your path.

he has officially wore you down.

“it’s not me,” you declare near to tears instead of pushing him away. “it’s not me, jungkook. i d-don’t know how they- they did it. i know it looks so real but it’s not me. i swear-”

and as an act of desperation, after months of having given up on proving it’s all some sort of well-orchestrated deception, your hands come up to the buttons of your blouse.

“it’s not my body.”

“no no no- you don’t have to do this! this isn’t right!” jungkook freaks out and binds your wrists with his hands, unwillingly using his strength on you when you fight back. he anxiously glances at the camera monitoring the hallway. “stop, stop-”

“i just need one person to believe me.”

“i believe you, okay?” he captures your wrists in one hand, the other tenderly caresses your cheek. “i believe you. i promise.”

he cradles your head on his shoulder, hugging you so tightly it almost feels like you’re one person.

“when the girl said you might not even know you were being recorded… the terrible thoughts i had- like what if he…”

it’s too much alone in his head. he can’t bring himself to say it into the universe.

“but you didn’t get hurt, right? nothing like that happened? it’s not even real.” he sniffles, holding you tighter as if that is still possible. “that’s a relief… i mean- this, this is bad, what happened to you is. but i was scared.”

you remain there, dumbstruck and motionless. the line between standing and letting jungkook carry your weight has blurred.

you wish he would never let you go.

—

jungkook brings you to his apartment, sits you down in the kitchen, and takes out his birthday cake from fridge. he conveniently finds two pairs of chopsticks in a plastic bag on the table and offers you one, which you accept without thinking. you think he understands that you don’t want to talk about it but you can’t be alone right now either.

chocolate is supposed to help raise one’s spirit, doesn’t it?

well, it tastes delicious, and jungkook is with you. you feel a little less shitty.

he can’t sit still, though.

he cracks open the eggs he bought this morning into a bowl and starts chopping up vegetables to be mixed into it. all the while you sit and watch in silence. no, in peace. the rhythmic tapping of the knife against the chopping board is like music to your ears. even the sound of the oil crackling as he pours the beaten eggs into the frying pan.

you abandon the endorphin-inducing treat on the table. you saunter over to jungkook in search of something else more associated with love, sneaking your arms around his torso. a tidal wave of relief washes over you. this feels more like resting, and you can’t believe you’re saying this, better than drugs. as it turns out, you’ve been homesick for a body you haven’t touched. a hug can’t fix your life, but it may convince you that it’s possible to survive an unfixable life.

however, the key difference between jungkook and nicotine is that you can’t simply have jungkook because you want to.

what he has unleashed upon you is greed.

“i’m sorry,” the more you apologize, the easier it becomes, but you’re also growing sick of it. “i didn’t mean what i said. i was scared of your reaction when you find out so i pushed you away… i keep taking you for granted. i’m sorry.”

“it’s okay, i understand.” he rubs your forearm comfortingly. “just don’t do it again… it really hurt.”

“i like you too.” you confess like you’re running out of time.

you no longer have room for apprehension. you can’t gamble with your chances once more when there’s not much left.

“i wasn’t playing with your feelings. up until earlier, i thought i’d never be able to let you know, so i’m doing it now. i like you.”

a chill runs along your spine. it feels immensely intimate— how jungkook slowly takes a hold of your hand and guides it to his soft lips, pressing a long kiss to your skin.

“i like you too, a lot.” his laughter makes his body vibrate, waking up the slumbering butterflies in your stomach. “incase i haven’t made it obvious enough.”

—

“will you stay?”

you nod your head as you joyfully munch on your fresh homemade meal. “they’re already forcing me to use my vacation days anyway.”

he makes a noise of surprise. “you’ve never missed work?”

you shake your head no.

“rude clients aside, i like what i do. it helps me keep my mind off…” you wave the radish-bearing chopsticks. “things.”

he only nods, ruffling your hair affectionately. “you should eat well, okay?”

“you too!”

you feed him a big bite of your omelette, and then rice, and then kimchi.

it results in stuffed cheeks and aggressive chewing, but you look especially happy watching him eat. jungkook assumes that it’s just how you express your affection, and it’s euphoria to be at the receiving end.

—

you found your way back to where you were last night— jungkook’s warm bed. comfy pajamas and tangled limbs. everything went to shit after you left, so if you were to get stuck here forever, he wouldn’t disapprove.

he listens to you talk as half of his mind is preoccupied by innocently kissing every inch of the exposed skin of your face and neck.

“i’m going to the salon tomorrow.”

he inwardly groans against your neck when your fingers card through his silky yet messy hair, twisting and tugging.

“what color should i color my hair? red? orange? brown?”

“red sounds really great?” he draws back in excitement. “but i’m going to miss your pink hair. how did you maintain it for so long?”

“i only chose it because it doesn’t look good on me.”

“that’s ridiculous!” he exclaims.

you snort. “i thought if it doesn’t fit me then it would seriously change the way i look.”

“then you were very wrong. it fits you so well.” he passionately insists that you see yourself from his point-of-view.

“you’re ridiculous.”

you don’t believe him, but he still earns himself a kiss on the lips.

“have you ever thought of getting a lip piercing?”

“why?” he fails to hide his smug grin. “would it look good on me?”

“mhmm, i imagine so.”

you lazily trace his lips with your thumb. it’s suddenly making him dizzy.

“should i get it then?”

“nope,” you reply with finality. “too many girls would fantasize about kissing you.”

he bursts out laughing. “isn’t that too much of a stretch?”

“i’m a girl! i’d know!”

“so you’re the jealous type, huh?” he cockily quirks an eyebrow.

“i’m not,” you scoff.

“possessive?”

“maybe,” you shrug.

“cool,” he chuckles. “you want to keep kissing?”

you don’t answer and instead you meet his lips halfway with a tug at the collar of his shirt. you’re an amazing kisser; his brain goes haywire once you tilt your head and you kiss him deeper, tongue sneaking in for a taste. he doesn’t want to kiss anyone else again.

as the tension escalates into something hotter, your wandering hand manages to slip under his shirt, teasing and caressing his skin. fuck, he feels like he’s running a fever. however, when your fingers begin tracing and teasing the waistband of his calvin klein boxers, much as it feels heavenly and stirs something feral deep within him, he has to pull away.

not too fast.

he doesn’t want to overwhelm you. he’s afraid you’re not thinking straight.

“are you free this weekend?” he asks as he catches his breath, tongue swiping over his swollen lips.

“saturday night,” you reply with a drunk smile.

“since you granted my birthday wish, shall we make your ferris wheel dream come true?”

your smile fades away a little. “where you work?”

he nods, but he senses your hesitation. “but we can go to a different one, if you’d like.”

as your silence stretches, he also begins to regret having asked you in the first place. after what happened only hours ago, you must not want to go out in public and risk reliving that experience.

“…doesn’t it bother you that your friends may have seen the video already?”

at that moment, taehyung’s voice rings in his ears.

‘honestly, ____ looks familiar to me. have we met before?’

his heart breaks upon the sight of genuine fear swimming in your eyes. he dips his head to press a kiss on your forehead, and he hugs you tight. and tighter. he doesn’t pray much, or ask big questions, but he despises it when bad things happen to good people. he wants to protect you, but how?

“i’d tell them the truth. i’d fight for your case.”

“but what if they don’t believe you…?”

—

a deafening crash resonates in the break room as taehyung’s body slams against the lockers before collapsing on the floor.

“ah, seriously! i said it’s not her!”

“what the fuck, dude?!” taehyung yelps as he sits up, putting a hand over his assaulted cheek. he’s more offended than hurt if he’s being honest.

as it turns out, it does bother jungkook.

taehyung’s phone landed a few feet away from him. the video is still going, and unlike the people in the elevator, he didn’t have the courtesy to keep it muted. obscene moans and sounds of skin slapping repeatedly play from the speakers at a low volume.

“it’s so clear, look! how can it not be her?!”

“it’s edited! it’s ai, you fucking idiot!” jungkook scowls at him.

he picks up the phone, teeth gritted in anger as he exits the video and discovers that it’s posted at an adult website. the view count has reached five digits and the comment section is flooded. he knows this isn’t the only place it’s posted. hell, other people could have it downloaded. although it’s not your body, it’s still you being violated and lusted after. he feels sick to his stomach.

“you should’ve said that from the start!”

he looks away for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut, hard, hoping that would erase the explicit images and thumbnails from his memory. after gathering himself together, his eyes zero in on the report button.

he clicks ‘submit’ before he crumbles, weakly sitting down on the chair.

taehyung rushes to his phone that was tossed carelessly on the table. “ah shit- the screen is cracked!”

if this is how he feels, then he can’t even begin to imagine how you feel.

he stares at the floor, eyes unfocused. the world goes on and his back remains hunched over as he struggles to make sense of what he should do.

—

when you were called over to the human resource department, you didn’t exactly prepare yourself to watch your alleged sex scandal on a 21.5-inch computer monitor. the light from the screen reflects on your skin. you have to harshly claw at the skin of your knee to stop it from anxiously bouncing; you force yourself not to also gag when the you on the screen chokes and gags.

“was this reported to you,” you swallow the lump in your throat, shifting your stare to the man in suit and tie. “or did you find it on your own?”

“miss ____,” he leans in on the table, clasping his hands together. the golden band around his finger shines under the dim lighting of his office. “do you even understand the kind of trouble you’re in?”

“am i being fired?”

“but you don’t have to be.” he bares his teeth as if he’s delivering good news. you long to destroy his face and his condescension with your bare hands. “i believe we can agree on an arrangement.”

“what do you mean…?” you ask carefully, grasping the tiny bit of hope that what you have in mind isn’t what he meant.

“i think you know what i mean. you’re smart.”

your heart drops to your stomach when he side-eyes the screen.

“do you expect me to beg for my job and do the same things i did in the video?”

“why?” his tone then becomes threatening. you begin to hear your heartbeat thumping loud in your chest. “you won’t do it?”

but if you allow yourself to be intimidated and treated less than a human being worthy of dignity and respect, then you may never be able to forgive yourself.

your sharp eyes and your cutting words make up for its trembles.

“you’re right, i’m smart. i know you don’t have enough grounds to fire me. you seriously think you can manipulate me this easy?” you contemptuously push over his name plate, the bronze metal tumbling and clashing with the wooden desk. “you’re not qualified for this job.”

your dismissal of his authority bruises his ego. he holds you in a hostile glare.

“if i were you, i would stop talking. right now.”

“or what?” you challenge him. “you’ll hit me…? what would your wife think when she hears about this conversation?”

his face is contorted with anger and frustration, but he is visibly holding himself back from doing something else that would damage his career.

“i plan on suing the people who are responsible for this. i’d appreciate it if-” you gesture at the monitor. “you can delete your copy too. i’ll clean my table and leave.”

“you have a real attitude problem, you know that? you need your eyes opened to the reality of life.” the alarms in your head starts blaring when he slowly gets up from his seat. “i think i know what i need to do to fix it.”

“don’t you dare touch me.” you grit your teeth, tears welling in your eyes as he circles his desk. “i will kill you.”

he squats on the floor beside you, wearing a mocking grin. you want to move away, but the chair is too small, and you’re determined to show him that you have no fear.

“you’ll kill me?”

he grabs a fistful of your hair, tilting your head back, and a scream is ripped out from your throat. the pain is mind-numbing; if he does it long enough, your guess is that you’d surely faint. he forces your head to the direction of the monitor.

“who you should be killing is the man who put you in this situation.”

you close your eyes. you try not to let him get under your skin, but the tears rolling down your cheeks are your self-made traitors.

you have. in your head. a million times. is it truly a man? is he even alone?

as you tiredly re-open your eyes, you unleash the pepper spray you’ve been holding under your thigh and begin spraying it all over his face. when he collapses on the floor, screaming and clawing at his own skin, your hand also falls limp over the armrest. you take a deep breath, blinking at the mess you made with heavy eyelids.

does it hurt that much or is he simply dramatic?

you’d stay and enjoy his demise, but you decide he’s not worth your time.

“____, come back here!”

“oh-” you freeze on your tracks.

you pull the lace of your company id over your head, hurling it at his face. he rolls over with an agonized groan.

“i quit!”

you unlock the door, dry your tears, and walk out of his office with your chin held high.

—

you stand at jungkook’s door, staring down at your shoes. you’ve been contemplating on whether you should knock or not. you want nothing more but to crawl into his arms, but a part of you is holding back. is it right to drag him into your world? you’d hate it if he becomes infected by your sadness. it broke you to pieces when he cried because he thought you were hurt. what would his reaction be if finds out what happened tonight?

“____!”

jungkook approaches with a plastic bag from a 24/7 restaurant nearby. judging by his tousled hair, he must’ve just woken up from a long nap. and you think to yourself—he’s so handsome—as he walks over to you and you scramble to collect yourself.

“have you been waiting long? sorry, i had to buy dinner.”

“i just got here.” you deny.

“is that so?” he stops infront of you, eyeing your outfit. “is everything alright? you’re home from work so early.”

“i went home.” you force a smile. “i’m not feeling so well.”

it takes everything in you not to cry when he starts stroking your hair with the gentlest hand.

“what’s wrong…?” he frowns. he worriedly presses the back of his hand on your forehead, then your neck. “you are a bit hot.”

“i think i just need some more sleep.” you dismiss the topic quickly, throwing your arms around his neck for the hug you’ve been yearning for since you walked out of that office.

his free arm wraps around waist, pulling you taut against him. he doesn’t ask you anything. like you, he closes his eyes, and he nuzzles his cheek against you, not taking any second for granted.

—

you spend the remaining days before saturday locked up in your apartment, withholding the fact that you quit your job from jungkook. with work gone and social media apps wiped out from your phone, there’s not much to do. just like always, you feed the fishes and converse throughout the day over the phone. they eat less and less as the weather gets colder. you bring up the growing size of the fishes and he agrees that they should be moved into a bigger tank soon. he sends you photos of him bored in class and you send him photos of you in bed. every second that passes by, you feel guilty for holding on to him until the very end.

you greet him with a radiant smile, opening the door just enough for him to see your face. you can tell that he styled his hair, sprayed on more perfume than usual. he looks absolutely dashing. it almost makes you mad.

“are you ready?”

you can feel the crushing weight of everything that hides behind the door. your clothes, your shoes, your self-care, your stacks of medical textbooks… your entire life packed in boxes and bags.

jungkook was right. out of everyone he liked, you must be the most cruel.

—

he doesn’t take you to his workplace, and instead brings you to their largest competitor. the amusement park is swarmed by locals and tourists alike, waiting for the firework show to commence. you hide your face with a thick scarf wrapped around your neck. you’ve been waiting, freezing, in line for over an hour, but you don’t mind it at all. it only means more time spent with jungkook.

you take turns in biting on the pretzel he bought to get rid of your boredom, happy and content in your shared bubble among the hundreds of voices within the vicinity conversing all at once. you become the other half of those lovey-dovey couples people cringe at in public. every now and then you and jungkook mimic a stranger’s voice, or the instrumental music from the nearby rides, and you laugh until your tummies ache. he hugs you to warm you up and you reward him with a kiss on the cheek.

“your hair looks even prettier in person.” jungkook compliments you with stars in his eyes.

“thank you! it turned out better than i expected. i’m really happy about it.” you gush, confidence renewed. you eat the last piece of the pretzel happily. “red or pink?”

“okay, red does suit you better,” he admits. “but i still think you were also beautiful in pink.”

“since you’re always saying that, i’m starting to believe it.”

“you should, because it’s true.”

“have i ever told you that you’re handsome?”

he shakes his head with a half-amused, half-sheepish smile.

“well, you’re very handsome,” you declare playfully, but you believe it a hundred percent.

“thank you,” he bursts into a fit of giggles, and it delivers you a special kind of joy— making him happy.

“lemonade?” he offers you the drink he’s holding.

you slot the straw between your lips, taking a few sips. your eyes widen in surprise, also delight. “it’s hot?”

“it’s good, right? i feel so warm.”

he sips on the drink himself. at the same moment, the line begins to move.

“oh! it’s our turn!”

he grabs a secure hold of your hand, not allowing a slither of chance of you slipping away from him. you give out your tickets, and the remains of them returned, one of them jungkook takes and the other, you slide into the pocket of your shoulder bag.

“oh, it’s too high-”

your nervous pondering is interrupted by a yelp, thanks to jungkook effortlessly lifting you into the moving cabin with his hands on your hips. with a boyish grin, he jumps in after you.

—

he curiously watches you set up your phone on the parallel side of your shared seat, you and him filmed by the front camera and displayed on the screen. he chooses not to say anything, but he is pleasantly surprised that you are the first one who initiated on recording this memory.

once you fix it into the perfect angle, you return and sit beside him with a hint of satisfaction painted on your expression. but as soon as the the cabin quakes mildly, it morphs into nervousness.

“it’s okay, it’s normal.” he strokes the back of your head, reassuring you. “are you afraid of heights?”

you scoot closer to him, and he forgets how to breathe for a moment when you innocently lay your hand just above his knee. “i try not to be.”

“i was going to suggest the rollercoaster next, but maybe not.”

once again, the cabin moves, causing a whimper to emit from your throat. your nails begin to dig into his thigh, their sharpness dulled by his denim pants.

“anything but that- i have bad memories with the rollercoaster.”

“maybe i should sit on the other side to balance ourselves bett-”

“stay!” you quickly pull him back down, resulting to another shake. “in my dream, we sit next to each other.”

“oh,” his lips shape into a smirk. “anything else i should know about?”

“you had your arm around me.” you bat your eyelashes.

he does as you request, hugging you to his side.

“like this?”

you shake your head with a sound of disagreement, moving his hand from your arm down to the curve of your waist.

“you suddenly remember everything.” he remarks with a teasing squeeze of your flesh.

you sheepishly smile, shrugging. “eh, i remember this much.”

he loves moments like this— when your innocence rises to the surface and allows him a glimpse of your purest parts. they completely contradict everything your brain leads you to think is for your protection. you don’t want to be alone, and you do want to be held.

amidst his bittersweet musing, the night sky begins to be lit up by a sequence of launched explosives, shooting off glowing embers that descend slowly through the air.

he jolts on his seat and clings to you as a result.

“ah, that scared me!” he whines in annoyance.

you spare his scaredy-cat moment a short giggle. you barely pay him any mind; you didn’t even look at him. jungkook decides to watch the fireworks from your wonder-filled eyes. the colors soar across your irises— he can’t really differentiate the silver and the gold; there’s also blue and green; a lot of red.

his view from here is one-of-a-kind. he temporarily mistakes you for a painting. brings out his phone. snaps photos of you like one instinctively does in an art gallery.

the mortification only sets in when your eyes meet the camera and upon realizing, you give him your dazzling smile.

“you should watch the fireworks too.” you scold him lightheartedly, redirecting his hands outside. “they’re amazing.”

and he obeys you.

for a short while.

you catch him longingly gazing at you sooner the second time around. he likes that he doesn’t need to look away anymore because his feelings are already out in the open, and most importantly, reciprocated. he catches your eyes flicker to his lips. he swears this is the most romantic scene of his life. will anything ever come close? you cup his cheek in your delicate hand, bringing your plush lips to his. he wonders how many times you also hesitated to kiss him before. how long would it take before he has kissed you more times than he didn’t?

—

jungkook is glued to his phone, walking at a slower pace behind while you search the spacious parking lot for your motorbike.

the wicked reality he stole you from momentarily waves at him as a reminder that ignoring it doesn’t make it disappear. a notification from a fan that says they found a clip of your video on another social media platform and reported it there too. a notification containing the link. he clicks on the app and finds that his latest video has reached almost half a million views.

technology has gone too far. how is there no law for this yet??? someone's life is ruined

what is this. you've totally ruined the video for me

jungkook!! when are you going live again?

everyone stop spreading the video around!!!!!!!!!! report it if you see it!!!!

but how come you suddenly made a ten min vid talking against ai so passionately? do you know this girl personally?? haha

lol? he already talked about ai in a live before. his follower would know that he knows a lot about editing and technology too. hes using his knowledge for good. stop assuming

it was obvious from the start ㅠㅠ the expressions look a bit unnatural. this is unsettling.... i feel so bad for her

um .. am i the only one who doesn't know about this

you're better off not knowing 😭

it's gone viral recently

how? it's all over my feed

his temples throb with a threat of an incoming headache. he can only hope and pray that he didn’t do more harm than good… and by some miracle you don’t find out about this, at least not before he is prepared to see you mad at him again. sharply inhaling, he swipes out of the comment section and tucks his phone back into his small crossbody bag.

“wait for me!”

he jogs to catch up to you, hurling himself to your back. you are both nearly knocked over if not for him throwing his strong arms around you.

“you’re so hyper. are you a puppy?” you groan. “go put your helmet on.”

“this hurts my pride. i said i’m not wearing it again!”

he is, once again, left with no choice when you forcefully shove your only helmet over his head.

“calm down, nothing bad will happen anyway.”

“this feels so wrong.” he continues complaining. “everyone i know owns an extra, just so you know.”

“well, i never planned on riding with a passenger.” you pull down the visor, sealing the deal. “hold on tight, okay?”

—

how often do you see a man on the road sitting at the back of an expensive motorbike that his cool girlfriend drives? jungkook wishes someone could take a photo and send it to him as a memento because being that man is pretty darn fun. except for the part that you’re not wearing a helmet and he’s also freaking out in the back of his mind, especially when the vehicle tilts even at the slightest.

but yeah, fun.

until the rain starts to come down and he ends up numb from the freezing cold.

your driving speed decreases. you move farther into the center of the lane to avoid the slippery paint on asphalt.

“jungkook, remove my glasses.” you instruct him urgently.

“okay!” his arm freezes in the air. “wait, where do i put it?”

“fuck, anywhere. over my head!”

—

owing it to your driving experience and extreme carefulness of your passenger, you park at your designated parking space safely. by the time you do so, the rain has become a downpour.

“run!” you shout as you both begin to brave it.

for the record, jungkook tried.

his shoe slides against the wet and slippery ground and a startled scream leaves his mouth as it all happens too fast. he lands on his butt, but loses balance again and ends up completely lying down in the middle of the parking lot.

“jungkook!”

alongside the fierce raindrops, your frantic footsteps bringing you to jungkook contest in creating loud splashes. you get down on your knees, forcibly shaking his frame with yet another call of his name.

“are you okay? where are you hurt?!”

garnering no response, you resort to giving his face weak slaps.

“stand up. this isn’t funny.”

his ears catch you blowing out a sigh, layered underneath is the most adorable growl he has ever heard— reminds him of a tiger cub. there is the lightest trace of smile on his lips as you carry his head over to your lap with utmost gentleness.

“jungkook!”

you wipe his rain-soaked face with your rain-soaked hands as if it would do something. he dies of laughter inside.

“are you being serious right now?!”

he slowly cracks one eye open, and then the other, greeting you with the most gleeful giggle. he’s so stupidly happy it’s almost painful. chest-restricting. doesn’t help much when you hit his chest, rightfully so, and he laughs harder.

“ugh, you’re so annoying!”

his upper body tumbles over again to the wet ground when you return to your feet. the view from here is not that bad. he is losing half his mind from the cold and his eyes are blurry from the rain. it presents itself as the perfect opportunity to say something cheesy about going to heaven, but would an angel nudge him with their foot and say “stand up. we’re totally going to get sick now, you jerk!” before running away?

in jungkook’s defense, he checked the weather forecast this morning. it’s painfully clear to him now that they lied. the two of you are dripping all over the floor mat in front of the building’s entrance doors. there is no other choice but to wring your clothes here to minimize the trail of mess you will leave behind when you go up to your units.

you’re squeezing out the water from your hair. he is left with a white t-shirt sticking uncomfortably to his skin as he does the same with his sweater.

the earthy and distinct smell of the rain clings to the air, and therefore, everything.

“jungkook,”

“yes?” he cranes his head to your direction and your eyes connect.

“don’t get sick.”

“i won’t! i’m healthy. i only get sick once a year.” he boasts with a grin.

given the length difference, jungkook’s method is messier than yours— he shakes the water out of his hair like a puppy.

“okay, rude-” you chide at him, flinching away from the shower.

“oh i’m sorry!”

didn’t think about that, he winces.

“aquarium after showering?”

—

“worms make me queasy.” you make a noise of disgust as you dispose of your plastic gloves.

“but clem loves them.”

“true,” you return beside jungkook, who is watching your five beloved swimmers with pure fascination. “but not as much as coral does.”

“sometimes i wonder if they’re getting tired of seeing our faces everyday.”

“i hope not,” you frown.

after all, they’ve taken over a considerable chunk of your daily life for the past half year. you worried more about their meals than your own. you hated it when clementine and dahlia would get scared and hide from you at the beginning. you worked hard to gain their trust. how long will it take for them to forget you? contrary to the three-second memory span myth, you read that they can keep memories for weeks, some claim months, at least five, or even years.

“yeah, probably not because they associate us with food.” he chuckles.

“that’s true.”

he straightens up and drops himself on the couch. while you’re alone, you take your time to prepare your heart.

you try your hardest to look at every little detail of each fish, anything you haven’t seen before. you always loved the way their tail and fins glide and flow as they swim, reminiscent of long hair blowing with the wind. when they play about the shipwreck, it feels you’re being healed. something broken can still be a source of joy.

“i had a wonderful time, by the way.” you turn to jungkook, making your way to where he is. “thank you for tonight.”

“me too. i was so happy.”

he squeezes you to his side, dipping to press a kiss to your temple. you never understood people who preferred forehead kisses until you met jungkook. a kiss on the lips meant being wanted, and maybe that was everything to you.

“but i’m buying the extra helmet myself tomorrow.”

“you don’t have to do that!”

while he laughs, you force a smile.

there’s no point. there will be no next time.

“no but thank you for everything, really… my life has been a living nightmare but- but i felt like a person again when i was with you.”

you take a pause, willing yourself not to cry. you need to tell him everything you haven’t said so you can live with less regrets.

“you’re such a kind person. i’m sorry that i always lashed out on you too. just because i was hurting doesn’t make it right to hurt you.”

“why are you talking like that?” he questions you suspiciously. he masks his nervousness with a tone of humor. “it sounds like you’re saying goodbye.”

because you are…

you’ve never been good at goodbyes. the original plan was to leave in the middle of the night without letting him know, leaving a note was an option. either way you know that you will hurt him, and as an admitted coward, you didn’t want to witness that.

but in the future, when you reminisce about him, you don’t want to be overcome with guilt. and when he reminisces about you, you don’t want memories of you to be tainted with bitter resentment. you hope that when either one of you sheds tears, the pain of loss eventually becomes gratitude for what you had momentarily.

and so, you take a deep breath.

“i need to tell you something.”

he stares back into your eyes without saying anything. in the duration of that silence, jungkook is able to interpret and predict where your shared story is heading.

“you’re leaving…”

the end.

you never considered that hearing him say it would hurt much more than telling him yourself.

“when?”

“my flight is in six hours. i’m so sorry.”

you nearly break down into the tears, but you harshly chew on your bottom lip. you can’t cry, not in front of him. you don’t have the right.

“my parents, they finally forgave me… i can continue studying with their help. but no one wants to accept me here anymore, i tried, everywhere… so i’m going back with them to milan.”

“where they work…” he says meekly. he remembers you mentioning it in passing.

“can’t you postpone?” he tries to spark up even a smallest crumb of hope. he places his hand over yours, squeezing lightly. “even just for a day?”

you shake your head, unable to look him in the eyes, but you flip your hand over so you can hold his. and you do. tightly. and when it doesn’t feel enough, you use both hands and you clasp him in between.

the silence in between is suffocating.

“when will you come back?”

“i don’t know.”

“i can wait-”

“no, you can’t.” you interrupt, looking at him decisively. “you shouldn’t.”

with hardened features, he challenges your stare. you’re not scared or intimidated. he’s not angry. he’s just…

“that’s not for you to decide.”

fighting for you.

you’d be a hypocrite if you said that you wished he wouldn’t.

“jungkook, please, don’t.”

you throw your arms around his neck, hugging him so he won’t be able to see your face and decipher your thoughts. deep inside, with logic thrown outside the window, where all you can see and feel and touch is him, you wish that he would beg and convince you to stay.

“you’d only waste your time doing that. you’ll meet someone else…”

those words leave a bitter taste in your mouth. possessive, he jokingly described you once.

“don’t say that.” he interjects.

“you deserve to be happy, jungkook. there is so much more to life.”

“i knew- i-i had a feeling you would leave soon. i just didn’t know when.”

a tear drips from your eyelash; you hug him tighter and wipe it off on his shoulder.

“i wish i could’ve done more.” he utters regretfully. “to help you. and comfort you. you endured everything on your own…”

“you believed me and you stayed with me. you did more than everybody else.”

taking away the science of it, it’s common knowledge that a hug has wondrous healing effects. it’s one of those things that we naturally learn through experience, feeling. the hormone and neurotransmitter oxytocin can affect how we feel and respond to pain. studies say that it kicks in for hugs that last at least six to twenty seconds.

“will you be okay there?” he whispers. he’s gently stroking the expanse of your back and it feels like getting tucked into bed.

by now, you’ve been hugging jungkook for over twenty seconds, and you realize that the time is irrelevant. perhaps what they are referring to are the hugs you wouldn’t mind staying in forever.

“i’m scared,” you confess. “but i’ll be okay.”

a glimpse at the aquarium and enters a silly, gutwrenching thought.

“you know… maybe in another life,” you peek fondly into a future that may very well never exist. “we’re old and married, and we have a big pond instead of an aquarium.”

jungkook draws back and stares you down with his tearful eyes.

you clear your throat, face going warm with regret. “sorry-”

“you’re impossible-” he mutters before leaning in to kiss you.

you’re frozen at first, mind going blank, until he’s kissing you deeper, gripping your waist tighter, with intense emotions you’ve never felt him express before, and you are forced to remember that this kiss is a goodbye.

your hands around his neck fall over his shoulders, and you grant him the power to let you fall into the abyss where nothing else exists but the two of you.

you stop worrying about the time ticking.

you do not think about pulling away.

he is the one who breaks the kiss and your heart is broken.

his gaze is heaving with longing as does his aching chest. “why can’t it be in this life?”

you think this is when the gravity of the situation comes crashing down on you. jungkook is once in a lifetime. he is the person you will dedicate a memoir to when you reach the point in life where the only thing left to do is to look back. revealing the closet full of skeletons of who you were and who you will never become. he will be the subject of your what if’s, the other main character of the alternate version of your life story. the cynics will clamor, your time together was too short for it to have meant something, ignorant of the most lamentable grief— and you will envy them for it.

the corners of your mouth are lifted into a wistful smile. “fate made us meet at the wrong time, when i’m the wrong person for us.”

—

when you arrive at your apartment, you are deprived of the privacy to break down. your brother and your family driver, mister lee, have only begun hauling your bags and boxes. you try to ignore their presence, head straight to the bathroom, but as always, your brother doesn’t allow you peace.

“are you seriously bringing your motorbike too?”

you take a deep breath to compose yourself, but you still end up gritting your teeth. “it’s mine.”

“it’s too expensive to have it shipped-”

“shut up, you’re not the one paying for it.”

you turn on your heel, but you become rooted into place when you hear jungkook’s name.

“that boy you were with- jungkook, is it?”

you face with him a look of suspicion, eyebrows furrowing. “why do you care?”

he casually leans against the kitchen cabinet, hands tucked into his jeans’ pockets. “he must genuinely like you a lot to make that video. the tide has turned because of him.”

“wh-what are you saying?” you sputter. “what video?”

he narrows his eyes at you. “you don’t know what i’m talking about?”

“are you fucking with me again?”

“yeah- okay, nevermind.” he dismisses the topic, straightening up to pick up one of the boxes that will be carried to his car.

“moon!” you irritatedly shout his name, throwing the first thing that your hand touches. the comb hits his back before falling on the floor with a smack. “what is it?!”

“god, ___! it’s nothing! forget about it!” he barks, going straight for the front door with two boxes stacked in his arms. “go and make sure you didn’t forget to pack anything. i don’t need you nagging me when a package gets lost on its way to milan.”

you’re obviously having a hard time. can’t he go a little gentler on you?

“and cover your face.”

“does it matter? i’m already leav-”

“dad asked for it— not me. just do it, ____.”

you weakly slump back against the wall. you have no fight left in you today. you’d like to commend yourself for making it this far, surviving the worst of the worst and having the courage to come out of the tunnel, but you fail to make the distinction between being strong and becoming jaded.

“ma’am-” mister lee offers you a handkerchief. “i found it in one of the drawers. did you mean to leave it behind?”

you shake your head, and with a cold, shaky hand, you take it from his open palm.

once the tears begin to slide down your cheeks, there is no more stopping them.

as a sign of respect to you, he also leaves the room.

you choke back a sob, clutching to your chest— the handkerchief you were never sure if you were given or you stole.

—

jungkook’s tears glimmer from the lighter’s dancing flame. after several clicks, he manages to light up the cigarette. he isn’t innocent–after all he’s already an adult—but it’s a habit he makes an effort to avoid. surely, he can give himself a pass today, though. he’s heartbroken, and he feels pathetic enough hanging out in the alleyway you frequented.

he blankly stares at the lighter you believe you lost due to your carelessness. thinking back to your words from earlier, he’s furious at how calm you appeared. it was an easy decision— leaving him behind.

the rain has stopped, but raindrops collected by the roof still trickle to the ground and clang against metal pipes.

with trembling lips, he exhales the smoke— a sob threatens to be ripped from his throat and he roughly covers his mouth to stop it.

what could possibly be the lesson he’s supposed to learn from this pain?

he didn’t know where else to go. at his apartment, he’d feel you leave. at the lobby, he’d see you leave. he’d go far, but he doesn’t want to be too far. until the very end, he is at your disposal.

you could’ve been the one. no, he desperately wanted you to be the one. if you had stayed, he would’ve loved you as often as he breathed— but your paths intertwined only to be unraveled.

some sadistic tool, fate is. what was the point of finding you again?

a passerby’s fleeting shadow blocks all sources of light casted over jungkook’s secret place.

you wear your only carry-on, a duffle bag, around your body.

you cross the street with unhurried steps.

as you climb into your getaway car, jungkook flicks off the ash from the cigarette held between his fore and middle fingers.

the tires roll over the wet asphalt, leaving behind a hissing echo. your brother’s car follows suit.

thirty-five, thirty-six… jungkook anxiously counts the vehicles he hears driving away.

was one of them you?

…are you gone?

#jungkook au #jungkook fic #jungkook fanfic #jungkook one shot #jungkook drabble #jungkook scenario #jungkook imagine #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook smut #bts fluff #bts reaction

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vaguely-concerned · 3 months ago

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first of all rye 'hello fellow kids' ingellvar there is nothing in this world or any other I wouldn't do for you. second of all, considering where this story ends... I'm going to die. this conversation -- and how much he genuinely believes what he's saying at this point -- held up against the fact that in a couple of months max he's going to get her killed (well. that's how he feels anyway) and then go against everything she believed in and stood for as a person in the end and have to live forever with knowing that's how he honoured her sacrifice. (and live with how easy it is to live with, the way he doesn't regret what he did at all. she'll haunt him from time to time, that's fine, he's a watcher he's loved many a ghost before and will again. but that won't.) 'no one is beyond help? oh lace I'm so so sorry, wherever you are now please forgive me for who I am, but after what he pulled and by the time I'm done with him on my watcher's oath he will be beyond help. I'll hold every hand in this world that reaches back but his'. and she'll still be gone.

'or none of this matters'. im so fucking sad I feel sick *through tears* this is great I love fiction I love this game (embarrassingly genuine as is my wont)

#rye joining the cycle of violence on the side of violence with clear wide open eyes and seeing harding and varric #out of the corner of his eye for the entire rest of his life. this is fine! this is fine #there's going to be big 'you fuckers killed all the kind voices and now you're left with the vengeful cockroach motherfuckers (ME)'#(he was cleverly disguised at the time I see how they might have missed that until it was too late. but yes! yes! the tiger will be free)#energy from my guy in the third act of this story fhsakj (focused thankfully he doesn't want The World to suffer. just solas)#dragon age #dragon age: the veilguard #dragon age: the veilguard spoilers #dragon age spoilers #oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar #lace harding #this relationship took a while to coalesce for me (I think rye and harding are both too much people preoccupied with Seeming #in different ways to get each other at first and rye is at heart a cautious methodical academic which early game harding is not all about)#but now that it has it is crushing. it is awful.#also that just made me make a connection with how much and how easily lucanis likes and understands both of them.#rye isn't quite a people pleaser (mostly b/c it didn't actually work out for him growing up b/c he was such. a mess.#he tried to please but no one was pleased) but he and harding DO have some of these (well-meaning) interpersonal dishonesty parallels #head in my hands. grief in my heart. joy and hyperfixation in my fiction loving brain #this conversation was really really good for me personally every line rook says feels exactly like what rye WOULD say #some scenes you have to do some gentle rewriting in your head around to make fit but no I think this is pretty much it.#and then. the Cursed Knowledge of what's ahead making that ending silence so ominous. chef's kiss

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naughtyneganjdm · 2 months ago

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Love's Second Chance: A Holiday Reunion - Chapter 12

Summary: A lot weighs heavy on Joel's mind making him unable to sleep. Roaming around the apartment, he talks to Y/N and they open up to one another with Negan overhearing their discussion. What Negan suggests to help both of them feel better surprises them.

Characters: Joel Miller, the reader (OC) & Negan Smith

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60501985/chapters/156209020

Warnings: 18+, swearing, angst, smut, this chapter is pure filth, SPOILERS AHEAD DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED. MMF Threesome, two men kissing, heavy touching between two men, dirty talking, unprotected ps in v, etc.

Notes: This is a longer chapter. It's filthy. It explores parts of all three of the main characters. Literally. So yeah, enjoy!

Sleeping was once again damn near impossible for Joel. Making it back to the apartment, you would have thought he would have been exhausted. Physically? He was. Mentally? He couldn’t shut his brain the fuck down. All he kept thinking about was his past. The pain and negative thoughts. About his mistakes and all the things he had done wrong.

Earlier he checked in on the children and came downstairs to sit by the large glass panel windows. He didn’t know how long ago he had pulled up a chair and just sat there staring out at the city lights. Everything seemed so small down below. It made him think about his dreams when he was a kid. All he knew was that he was counting on either football or his musical career to lead him. Instead, life fell to shit.

Back when he was younger, this was the kind of life he dreamt of. Feeling special. Having a big home that only people could dream of having and being able to go anywhere he wanted in the world without worrying about money.

“Can’t sleep?” a voice beckoned him to look back over his shoulder. Standing behind him was Y/N who looked like she had just woken up. Her eyes appeared tired while she stood before him in her red plaid pajama pants and a white tank top. Shaking his head, Joel pushed his seat back and turned in it to stare out at her. “You stole my look.”

“Kind of,” Joel sighed looking down at what he was wearing. Instead of having red plaid, his pajamas were plaid green and he also had the white tank top on. “Did I wake you up?”

“Well you were being incredibly loud,” she joked, reaching for a chair to pull it up beside Joel. Keeping it close, she lowered down into the seat and yawned. “I woke up and I just couldn’t fall back asleep. No matter how much I tried.”

“I have that problem lately a lot too,” Joel explained, sitting forward in the chair to get closer to the glass to look down at the people below. By this time of night he could hardly make out anything down there. There was a faint glow from stray lights that illuminated the street, but just barely. “My brain just wants to torture me with all my thoughts.”

“You wanna talk about it?” she offered, her eyes staring out at him which he saw from the corner of his. Instead of looking at her, he lowered his head and exhaled loudly. “I’m always here if you need to talk. You know that.”

“It’s hard to talk to you,” Joel confessed, reaching up to stroke over the back of his neck. Half of his woes, if not more were all in relation to her and he didn’t think it was fair throwing that all on her again. “You know how I feel about you.”

“That’s what this is about?” she spoke softly, not showing any signs of being angry with him over it.

“Some of it,” he was honest, shaking his head about and leaning back in the chair to keep his eyes on the city. “For some reason, I keep thinking about everything I did wrong. What led us to…this.”

“This right here?” she threw her finger up to circle it as if suggesting the apartment they were in.

“No,” Joel smirked, shaking his head about. “I mean how the two of us are. With me alone. And you with Negan,” Joel lowered his voice not wanting to wake anyone else up to hear what they were talking about. “I had to work really hard to push you away like I did.”

“Joel…” she said his name, dragging it out. Stopping to think about what she wanted to say, she shifted in the seat and licked her lips. “I uh…I wish I knew what I could say to make you feel better. The last thing I want is you feeling miserable.”

“It’s not your responsibility to make me feel better,” Joel retorted with a weak smile, his dark eyes finally looking over at her. In the small amount of light, they could see each other but not much more than that. “It never was.”

A shuddering breath escaped her lips with Joel’s eyes tearing over and he shrugged, “I never realized everything you did to make sure that I was okay. Constantly. You were always there doing your best to make me happy. But that was never your job Y/N. You were supposed to be my partner in life. You weren’t supposed to lift me up. My emotions aren’t your responsibility. They never were.”

Hearing that from Joel left her speechless. That was never something Joel had ever said to her, so she didn’t know how to respond. Folding his arms in front of his chest, Joel stretched his legs out further and went back to looking at the city.

“Do you know how many times I dreamt of a life like this?” Joel spoke almost regrettably when he thought back on his past. “I wanted to be rich so bad. To have power. Have people look at me like I was something special. I would have killed for this kind of life.”

“I think everyone dreams of a life like this,” she mused, rubbing her hands in over her knees. “I know I thought about it too. I thought I was going to be a big name. Someone everyone knew the name of. I was going to travel and show what the world was really like. The good, the bad. I wanted to live in the city…”

A smile tugged at her tired features and she stood up from the chair to look out at the city, “I never dreamt of a place this big. But a flat in the city? God, that would have been amazing. Maybe having my studio workshop area inside of my apartment? That was it for me.”

“I really thought I was going to be something, y’know?” Joel snorted, shaking his head. Back when he was in high school he really did believe that he was going to make it big. It wasn’t even a question in his mind. He was that fucking sure of himself. “I was so arrogant. I thought I was better than most people. I was stubborn and I knew that if anyone could achieve something, it was me. I was gonna ride the football career as much as I could, use my connections to get me into the music business.”

“You were good enough,” she corrected Joel who rolled his eyes. Hearing him talk down about his talents was nothing something she was going to allow him to do. “You were.”

“I wasn’t,” Joel chuckled, his head shaking in disbelief. “Football maybe could have gotten me all the way through college. But I don’t think I could have made it to the big leagues. My arm was good, but it wasn’t that good.”

“Well now that’s just bullshit,” she claimed, reaching up to smack at Joel’s chest with the back of her hand. “I know for a fact that your arm was amazing. Think about all the scouts that came out just for you. They all wanted you. I think a lot of them told you that you probably didn’t even have to stay in school that long because you were that good.”

“You’d say anything to make me feel better,” Joel suggested with a long exhale. That was just the kind of person that she was.

“Why would I need to lie about things Joel?” she inquired, a sense of curiosity flooding her body. Sure, she could lie, but right now she was just going off of facts. When they were young, everyone thought Joel was going to be a big name. “What do I gain from lying to you right now?”

“You get to be on my good side?” Joel joked, a wicked smirk tugging at his features. Looking over at her, his right eyebrow arched and it made her smile. “Lord knows you don’t want to get on my bad side.”

“I’ve been there and I’m still here,” she reminded him, grabbing a firm hold of his shoulder to give it a squeeze.

“You shouldn’t have had to see that side of me,” Joel frowned, reaching up to place his hand in over hers. Squeezing it firmly, Joel took his time to think about everything he put her through. “I never wanted you to see the darkest parts of me. You were the light in my life that brought me joy. The fact that I ever let it get that bad…”

“It’s the past,” she interrupted him, not wanting to have him get upset, but it was really too late for that.

“But it effected the future,” Joel admitted, urging her to lower her hand. Pushing forward in the seat, Joel rest his elbows over his knees and shook his head. “I didn’t mean to have all this anger grow inside of me. I knew I was capable of being awful. It was there my whole life. And when my parents died…I did what I thought was right. I put Tommy first. And then when you got pregnant, I put you and Elizabeth first too. I did the right thing. There shouldn’t have been any anger inside of me for doing what was right.”

“I think it’s alright to be disappointed,” she tried to give him an excuse and Joel scoffed, standing up from the chair and moving in beside her to stand in front of the window. “I think anyone in your position would have felt the same.”

“No they wouldn’t,” Joel denied, his hands settling at his hips while he rocked back and forth on his feet. “I could have been facing this all alone. But I wasn’t. I had you. You never left my side. Not once. I had a family that loved me. I was lucky. Some people have this kind of shit happen and they have to take on the world alone. Without help. But not me. I had a support system. I had someone who loved me. Someone who saw the best in me even when I didn’t see the best in myself…”

It looked like she wanted to say something, but instead she just lowered her head making Joel’s chest hurt at the sight of it, “I’m sorry. You were always my strength and I let you down. I let everyone down.”

“No you didn’t,” she refused to hear that, turning to face Joel from where she was standing. “I think your parents would be very proud of the man that you became.”

“I was even mad at them for dying Y/N,” Joel informed her with a disgusted shake of his head. “I was so angry at them for dying and forcing me to live the life that I did. I mean, you’d think I’d be mad at them for all the shit before in being parents that were never very present in my life in the first place. But no. I was mad at them for leaving me to take care of everything without them.”

“It was a traumatic thing for an eighteen year old boy to go through,” she defended his actions once more and it had Joel shaking his head. “You had the world in your hands and it was taken from you.”

“No it wasn’t,” Joel corrected her, a broken breath falling from his lips when he looked to her. “I had the world in my hands with you, Ellie and Peter. I just never saw it because I thought the world was this big shiny idea of something more.”

Really he should have just shut up and kept his thoughts to himself. He knew that this kind of talk upset her. Especially since she loved him so much in the past and he did what he had.

“I’m sorry that I let you down,” Joel apologized, a lump growing in his throat. “I wish that right now I could say that I was proud of my life, the things that I’ve done, but I’m not. The only thing I have that I was ever proud of was you and those children. Other than that? I’m a nothing.”

“You shouldn’t be thinking like that,” she stressed doing her best to keep her emotions to herself. “You don’t have to keep apologizing to me.”

“Yes, I do,” Joel groaned, his head dropping down with the tension he was feeling. “It’s annoying because all these voices I hear in my head tell me what a mistake I made. I know nothing will fix what I’ve done. More than anything, I’m angry at myself for my actions. I wish I could say that I made your life better, but I’m an overall disappointment.”

“You’re not,” she assured him, lifting her hand to try to get him to hush his thoughts. “You can’t feed your mind with that shit.”

God, he wanted to say so much to her to fix things, but he knew that no matter what he said they never would be right. There was nothing he could do in order to make up for the decisions he made. Because he let all of the good fall to shit. That was his own fault.

“You deserved this kind of life Joel,” she expressed how she felt, throwing her hand out toward the city. “Both you and Negan were so dedicated to your skills. I wanted the best for both of you. I always did. You both were the two people who deserved this kind of future more than anyone.”

“We both deserved this kind of life,” Joel proposed brushing his fingers through his messy hair. “And we could have done it if I wasn’t such a fucking dick. Instead I was lazy, angry and so depressed about the life I couldn’t have. Maybe if I would have actually tried instead of being bitter about everything, I could have achieved things. Instead we’re here and I made you miserable for years by being…a dick.”

“You two talk like you’re at the end of your life,” a voice spoke up causing both of them to jump. Looking back, Joel reached out for the light that was beside him to turn it on. Behind them was Negan sitting on the couch with his arms stretched out on the back of it bringing attention to his naked chest. Standing up, Negan adjusted the waistband of his gray sweatpants and shrugged his shoulders. “Why do you think your dreams are impossible? You’re not dead.”

“It’s more complicated than that Negan,” Joel grunted wondering how long Negan had been sitting there. How the hell did they not hear him come into the room with the two of them talking? It offended him that Negan had just sat there listening to them to begin with.

“How?” Negan lowered down onto the arm of the couch and waved his hand about in the air. “You’re only nearing forty Joel. You haven’t even reach the middle of your life,” Negan stressed his words, his eyes looking between both Y/N and Joel. There was a seriousness behind the intensity of his hazel eyes. “There is still so much time to do so much more, but it’s like you’ve both given up at the idea of it.”

“No one wants an almost forty year old man to play football for them Negan. That’s an end of a career, not the start of one. Plus, I haven’t thrown a football in years,” Joel declared with a scoff having Negan smile and shake his head dramatically. Brushing his fingers through his messy hair, Negan exhaled loudly and tossed his hands up.

“Yeah, football is out of the question. That’s not what I mean,” Negan agreed with Joel, tapping on his thighs to consider what he wanted to say next. “But that doesn’t mean you have to give up your musical career. Start playing again. Play the guitar. Get out to a local bar. Sing. Get your music out there. Even if you start small, it’s you getting to live the life that you wanted. You can be ninety and still play music Joel. You’ve got your hands. You’ve got your voice. You have the musical talent. Life is what you fucking make of it. You’re not dead.”

“I don’t know if you noticed, but I have a hard time playing in front of people,” Joel reminded Negan of how he was which had Negan roll his eyes. “Not all of us are outgoing, charismatic folks that people are just drawn to.”

“I’m very introverted,” Negan corrected Joel with a shake of his head. “I just fake it. All the time. Do you think I always feel like smiling? I put on a show because it’s better than letting my thoughts, my emotions…my stress get to me. I’m a showman through and through, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel strange when the world is fucking eyeballing me.”

Both Joel and Y/N went silent at Negan’s confession. That was never really something that either one of them considered.

“Listening to the both of you is hard. You can play music until the day you die Joel Miller. And Y/N, you can take photos and write just the same. You both think that I’ve made this perfect life for myself,” Negan began, his hand placing in over the center of his naked chest. “I’m nearing forty and my career is over. I put everything into my body. My body is the only thing that I can use in my life. And I’m broken. My knee is a fucking mess. After this next season? I don’t know what direction my life is fucking going in and that scares me. That scares me so much. But both of you? You don’t see the potential that you have. Your dreams? They are all achievable. Talking like there are no other options in life is sad because I’ve never seen two people with so much fucking potential in their life and it’s like you both gave up.”

“Fuck,” Joel grumbled under his breath, his chest aching at the lecture that they both just received from Negan.

“Negan,” Y/N frowned noticing that Negan appeared to be somewhat emotional himself, but he was hiding it behind a strong façade.

“Hey, let’s not make this about me. I just wanted to make a point,” Negan slurred realizing that both of them had a hard time looking at him after what he reminded them. “Joel, I haven’t heard you play your music in a very long time, but after tonight? I know you still have music in your heart. It made you happy. I’m sure you still play great.”

“He’s right. There is nothing to be ashamed of in terms of your music. You’re good,” Y/N added to the conversation with Negan throwing his hand out toward her. “I know what you sound like and I think people would love to learn music from you and hear what you have inside of you.”

“What happened to Joel Miller, the arrogant son of a bitch that I knew when I was younger?” Negan snorted, folding his arms out in front of his chest. “That guy loved having the attention on him. Fuck, he ate it up. He knew he was talented and he didn’t have to question it.”

“Life,” Joel simply answered with a grunt which had Negan rolling his eyes. “I hate the world Negan.”

“You hate yourself,” Negan offered up, his eyes slowly rising up from the ground where he was looking. “I know the feeling all too well. So don’t try to bullshit me. If you love your music, if it means something to you, don’t let it go. Even if you start fucking small, the world isn’t over. You don’t know if you have tomorrow, so start now. Go out. Play your music. Give it a shot. Even if you only make it to small dive bars. Who cares? At least you sort of lived your dream. It’s better than nothing. And now it’s even better because you have a built in support system behind you to lift you up.”

“It’s not that easy,” Joel grunted, resting his hands on his hips in frustration.

“But it fucking is,” Negan shot back, the lines in his forehead growing. “And Y/N, you love taking photos. There isn’t a reason you shouldn’t have that camera in your hands twenty four fucking seven. Take photos. And write. Write about whatever the fuck you want because someone out there is going to want to listen. I promise you. You’re both still so young with so much fucking potential. You just don’t give yourselves a fucking break. And maybe it’s time that you do.”

Smirking, Y/N lowered her head finding what Negan was saying to be inspirational in a sense, but she knew that Joel was upset, “What are you? An inspirational speaker now?”

“Maybe,” Negan’s eyes locked back onto Joel, standing up and moving across the room to step before him. “If people listened to me, well maybe there is a chance that they just might be happy. And that’s a scary fucking thought. Isn’t it?”

“Life came easy to you Negan,” Joel fought back, his eyes narrowing at the idea that Negan thought things in life were that simple.

“It did?” Negan muttered, his jaw flexing in disbelief. “I must have missed that bit because life has been really fucking hard for the most part. I had an abusive father growing up that pretended to be a good dad. I…” Negan paused, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat and his words coming to a slow pause. Suddenly the emphasis he had on things died down when he looked between Joel and Y/N again. “I lost touch with my best friends. I got injured doing what I do best. I lost the love of my life and my career is ending because I’m hurt and I could become crippled if I get hurt again. I’m pushing it just going one more season. So does that really sound easy to you?”

Joel’s lips parted, a huff coming out instead of words with Joel lowering his head to look down at the ground in embarrassment with what Negan just threw out in front of Joel, “Where my life succeeded, yours did not. Vice versa. Which is why I say if you want something in life, you gotta go for it. We don’t know when our life is gonna fucking end. So take advantage of it before it’s too late. And work out whatever the hell is going on between the two of you.”

“There’s nothing…” Y/N went to speak up with Negan holding his finger up to silence them. Turning off the light, Negan reached for both of their wrists to tug them over toward the bedroom that he shared with Y/N. Closing the door, Negan turned on the lamp and headed over toward the seat at the corner of the room to drop down. “There is nothing going on between the two of us Negan.”

“She’s with you,” Joel stressed watching Negan reach out to snatch the Santa hat that was on the nightstand. Putting it on, Negan stretched out his long legs and shrugged.

“I know,” Negan nodded, stroking his fingers over the side of his face. “I am not worried about that.”

“Of course you aren’t,” Joel scoffed, shaking his head and heading over toward the dresser to rest his weight back against it. “Why would you be worried?”

“You’re cranky as fuck,” Negan chuckled, his dimples becoming more prominent when an amused smile tugged at his handsome features. “If it’s gonna make the two of you happy, kiss and make up. I don’t give a fuck.”

“We’re together,” Y/N turned on her heel, pointing from her chest to Negan. “I told Joel that. He knows that I want to be with you.”

“I know you do too,” Negan assured her with a nod, caressing down over the side of his neck. “I however told you that I understand that you love Joel. I fucking get it. I loved and still love Lucille. That shit is never gonna change. We can’t help that in life sometimes we love multiple people. And just because we lost them doesn’t mean we don’t care about them. I won’t get mad at you for having feelings for Joel and if the two of you are gonna kiss, I’d really prefer to be around for it.”

“Now you’re just being a prick,” Joel hissed at Negan, his brow line growing more tense and his glare becoming angry. “It’s not funny.”

“Do I look…” Negan paused realizing that he was smiling, “Yes. I’m smiling, but I’m not trying to be funny here. I know that you heard the conversation earlier about her dream and if she wants to, I’m okay with the three of us…you know.”

“Oh fuck. Not again,” Y/N lifted her hand to cover her eyes trying to shake off the feeling she was having. “I’m dreaming again. That makes complete sense here.”

“Nope. Not dreaming,” Negan stood up from the chair he was seated in. Standing between Y/N and Joel, Negan outstretched his hands grabbing both their wrists to pull them closer toward him. “I just think it’s okay for you two to enjoy each other still even if you’re not together. Your brain wanted this. So who am I to turn away this for you?”

“I think maybe you are reading the situation wrong,” she was unsure of where this was headed with Negan’s nose wrinkling in amusement. “I told you about the dream because I don’t want to keep things from you.”

“And I don’t want to keep things from you either,” Negan promised bringing Joel in closer to her. How firmly Negan was holding onto Joel’s wrist had Joel scoffing. “I’m okay with a threesome. If it makes you happy, why not?”

“Aren’t you going to ask if I’m okay with a threesome?” Joel spoke up in a bit of a disapproving tone making Negan chuckle when he looked between the two of them. “Why is that funny?”

“Nothing, you’re just right. You’re the curve ball here. I understand that she has feelings for you. It doesn’t bother me because I know she cares about me too. Deep in her mind, she wants both of us but feels guilty for wanting that,” Negan explained, letting go of her wrist to palm in over the side of her face to get her to look at him. “You have been with Joel and you’ve been with me. You’ve never had a threesome. What’s better than being pampered by two men that are head over heels in love with you?”

Stammering to find words, Y/N didn’t know what to say. Maybe she should have been mad, but instead she found herself laughing when the top of the Santa hat fell over Negan’s eyes. Blowing it out of his face, Negan gave a big cheesy smile and then dragged his tongue out over his bottom lip.

“As long as Joel promises not to fucking kill me when it’s my turn, I think we’re good,” Negan asserted lowering his hand to gently urge Y/N forward toward Joel. “I don’t have a problem with all of this. Joel is the only person I would be okay with.”

“I don’t get your fucking issue Ne…” Joel’s words came to a halt with the pressure of Negan leading Joel down to Y/N to force the two of them to kiss. A gasp vibrated against his lips and Joel pulled back seeing Negan smirking. Shaking his head, Negan’s thumb swept in over her jaw with his fingers curling around her neck to turn her to him. Claiming her lips in a passionate kiss, Negan started to kiss her over and over again. Watching her eyes close with a slow flutter, Joel felt a bout of jealousy flooding his veins. Starting to kiss at her jawline, Joel pressed his body in closer to hers, his hands settling at her hips.

“Holy shit,” Y/N pulled away from the both of them feeling her pulse hammering in her head. “This is just like my dream. The children are upstairs for fuck’s sake.”

“Then we’ll be quiet,” Negan headed over toward the door to lock it for her. “It’s a big apartment. They are all the way across the apartment on the second floor. We’ll hear someone if they come down here.”

“They both had the television on,” Joel explained to Y/N who was surprised to hear Joel defending this. “They aren’t going to hear anything.”

“Thatta boy,” Negan pat Joel on the shoulders and then headed over toward the bed to drop down on the bottom of it. Pulling himself to the edge, Negan braced his weight on his hands and motioned for the two of them to move toward one another. “I like watching. So go ahead.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” Y/N whispered which had an ache growing at the center of Joel’s chest. That was something she was genuinely worried about and she meant it.

“You’re not going to,” Negan promised her, holding out his hand to have her squeeze at it. “I’m here. No matter what happens. I’m not leaving your life. You have me back in your life and that’s not going to change.”

“Are you going to look at me differently?” Y/N turned her head to look at Joel who thought about this whole thing. Being with her in any fashion was good enough for him. It meant that she still cared about him. Still wanted him in her life.

“I could never,” Joel grumbled under his breath knowing that he was going to have to fight his demons here. Especially when she was with Negan. There was a jealousy there, but in this moment he was going to have to figure it out. Get his shit together. There was a lot to consider in the moment. But his first thought was this whole threesome thing. The windows were wide open with no blinds or curtains to hide them. “Do you really want the lights on for this?”

“Fuck yes,” Negan stated with a proud breath. “I want to see everything.”

“You’re in New York City. People know you’re here now. They have to. Photographers with their cameras,” Joel started to ramble having Negan bob his head about. Huffing out, Negan got up from the bed and headed over to the large window side of the room. Pushing his hands into his pants, Negan got the material down to the bottom of his hips along with his boxer briefs. All Joel saw was Negan’s ass, but it was enough for Negan to make a point. Throwing his hands up in the air, Negan wiggled his hips a bit and it had Joel groaning outwardly. “You are still so very much Negan.”

“Yes, I fucking am,” Negan boasted proudly, pulling his pants back up over his hips and turning to face the two of them. Y/N’s face was flushed over with her shaking her head and Joel was staring out at him blankly. “I’m a baseball player. And we are pretty fucking high up. If someone has a lens that fucking good, then good for them. But in the city, there are bigger, better celebrities to go after. No one is going to be taking photos of us at two in the morning having sex. I fucking promise you.”

“How is your dick not all over the internet?” Joel scoffed, pointing down toward Negan’s groin.

“Well, I was married,” Negan reminded Joel, tossing his hand up in the air with a huff. “Pretty sure that Lucille didn’t want a video of us screwing all over the internet. And like I told you, I’m just a fucking baseball player. You want to see their cocks, you walk into the locker room after or before a game. It’s not that hard. You know that. You were on a sports team in high school. You saw a lotta cock.”

“Good God, we are so different,” Joel pointed out to Y/N who now seemed to have amusement with the things that Negan was saying. “How you love the both of us…”

“Is crazy because she’s too good for the both of us, but she does,” Negan interrupted Joel, stepping closer to the both of them. “So why don’t we take advantage of it, enjoy tonight and let this happen? I want this. You both want this. And that’s okay.”

Stepping in behind Y/N, Negan settled his hands at her hips. Nuzzling his nose in against the side of her neck had her tipping her head back against his shoulder. Just the sensation of that alone had her pulse jumping in her throat. Peppering wet kisses over her flesh, Negan bit faintly eliciting a moan from her lips.

Lifting his left hand, Negan reached for Joel tugging him forward by the material of his tank top. Stepping in closer, Joel trapped Y/N between both him and Negan having her breath catch in her throat. The heat from their bodies radiated against hers. It felt good. It had her body trembling. She felt small between the two of them.

Sweeping his fingers in over the side of her face, Joel’s eyelids grew heavy. An innocence lingered in her eyes and features. Reminding Joel of when they were younger and they were together for the first time. Lowering down, Joel brought their lips together in a slow, gentle kiss. This was a lot to get used to all at once. With each caress of his lips, the kiss grew stronger with her breathing getting louder.

“That’s it,” Negan slurred against her flesh, grasping her chin firmly between his fingers to get her to turn her head so it brought their lips together. Even though he was okay with sharing, Negan wanted to make it clear that’s what they were going to be doing. Joel could get some of the attention, but not all of it. Focusing on her bottom lip with wet kisses, Negan used his other palm to caress up in over her abdomen toward her breast. A tremoring exhale had him sucking in a sharp breath of air getting excited at how innocent she seemed in all of this. “If you ever get uncomfortable, just tell us and we will stop.”

Nodding gave both Joel and Negan the permission they needed to continue. Even if things felt fast, she knew that she would never ask them to stop. This was something her mind had been thinking about even in her dreams. An occasion where she could be between the two men that she loved without judgement? It felt too good to turn away.

Dropping her left hand back, she palmed in over the side of Negan’s body while her right traced up over the lengths of Joel’s abdomen toward his chest. Sucking in a sharp breath of air, Joel couldn’t help but notice the desire in Negan’s eyes for the woman that was between them. Reaching his hands around Y/N, Joel squeezed firmly over her bottom. It had her pressing up onto her toes, gasping and falling in closer against his chest. It gave Negan the opportunity to move in behind her, pressing his groin in over her bottom. It had her eyes closing tightly, her lips falling agape. It felt like liquid lava was running through her veins with the room spinning around. Hovering his lips in over hers, Joel loved the way her breathing grew louder with her shaking against him. Pressing faint kisses at her lips, Joel allowed his mouth to trail down over her jawline toward her neck. When he reached her shoulder, Joel lifted his head and locked eyes with Negan.

“You know what?” Negan took one step back, his chest rising and falling heavily. It had Y/N looking back over her shoulder at him, worried what was happening. “Go on. I really would like to watch.”

Trying to avoid the instructions that were being spat at him, Joel curled his arm around Y/N’s waist to pull her flush against him. It had her right arm hooking around his shoulders while her fingers from her left hand sank into his thick, dark hair. Just the way she was looking at him with her pupils dilated drove Joel crazy with want for the woman in his arms.

“Touch her Joel,” Negan spoke moving to grab Joel’s wrist helping him to caress up and over the length of her back before down again. Just from that alone it had her eyes closing tightly once more. “Let’s make this thing as sensual as possible. Not just fucking. We could fuck any time. But this? It means something.”

Bringing their lips together in a slow, unhurried kiss had her clinging tighter to Joel. Stroking his fingers down over the lengths of her back again and then allowing them to drag back up over her shoulders had her whimpering against his mouth. Each kiss he pressed over her lips grew stronger, the passion lighting a fiery want inside the both of them. Beside them, Negan stepped forward his hand pressing in against both of the small of their backs bringing their bodies closer together. Growling against Y/N’s flesh triggered her to pull away just slightly to give a tiny smile. Instead of bitching, Joel listened to Negan. Touching her in the ways that he was instructing him. Wanting this whole thing to indeed be special for Y/N. Stealing kiss after kiss from her had her lips parting to Joel. Brushing his tongue out against hers led her to tip up on her toes, eager to be closer to him. Even though they had been together many times, Joel still loved the way that her body reacted to his.

Stepping in behind Y/N again, Negan’s fingers hooked loosely into the bottom of her tank top having her lean back into him. Tugging up the material, Negan stopped at her lower abdomen, using one of his hands to caress his rough fingertips across it. Nuzzling his nose against the side of her neck, Negan nipped faintly at her skin getting tiny whines to fall from her, “You are so fucking beautiful.”

Y/N’s eyes fluttered to a close. Her breaths becoming more desperate which encouraged Joel to help Negan lift the material up under her breasts. Carefully lowering to his knees, Joel’s mouth covered her lower abdomen. Starting at the area just above her belly button. A sharp exhale escaped her throat when Joel tenderly nipped at her flesh. Trailing his kisses down further led to him pampering her skin at the area right below her navel. Grasping tightly to her hips kept her in place. With Negan’s arm hooked around her mid abdomen and Joel grasping to her hips, she wasn’t going anywhere. They had her where they wanted her. Shivers flooded her body, muted moans following with the way Joel was cherishing her abdomen with the warmth of his kisses and with Negan kissing at the side of her neck. Pushing his hand up enough under her tank top, Negan’s fingers cupped at the swell of her breast.

“Here we go,” Negan stammered, urging her arms up so he could pull the material of her tank top from her body to reveal her breasts with a bounce. Joel’s dark eyes watched the movements, the length of his tongue dragging a line up her body. Tossing the material aside, Negan’s arm wrapped around her upper half pulling her back to him. Dragging his hand across both her breasts, Negan buried his nose against the side of her neck again and growled. “You feel good, right?”

Squeezing her breast in his palm, Negan tested the flesh before circling the pad of his thumb in over her nipple. Repeated circular movements had it turning into a tight bud and it made him release an amused rumble as he pinched softly at it.

“So good,” she purred with Negan now kissing at her jawline. Continuing to caress at her breasts elicited her breathing to become broken.

Humming, Negan started to kiss at the side of her neck and back behind her ear. Joel’s kisses started to rise up over the lengths of her abdomen, his facial hair scratching slightly at her body. Wet caresses of Joel’s mouth pressed between the valley of her breasts. It was hard to focus on one thing from either Joel or Negan. Between them, Y/N felt like the world was spinning around her. Matching Joel’s movements, when Joel came up, Negan’s palm pressed down over her abdomen. Sinking his hand beneath the material of her pajama pants had her hips arching up toward Negan’s touch. Crying out, her breathing became labored with the flick of Joel’s tongue at her nipple in tiny, circular motions. Taking the nipple into his mouth, Joel’s suckled faintly at the flesh before teasing it again with his tongue. Instinctively her body arched forward, her hips wanting to meet the touch of Negan’s hand between her thighs and her upper half wanting to continue to be pampered by Joel.

“Let’s get you down on the bed darlin’,” Negan stammered pulling his hand from her pants having her shuddering back against him. A wet sound escaped Joel’s lips with him tipping his head back, pulling his mouth from her breast. The warmth of his breath still lingered over her skin and she knew that she was already a hot mess from this alone.

Helping to lead her over toward the bed, Negan grabbed a hold of her hand squeezing his fingers around hers. Getting her to the bottom of the bed had the backs of her knees hitting the mattress getting her to lower down with Negan standing before her. Helping to lower her body back against the bed, Negan hooked his arms firmly underneath her knees. Pulling her right to the edge of the bed had her gasping, her eyes locking with his. There was something in the way that he was looking at her that caused her heart to pound inside of her chest. Hooking his fingers into the waistband of her panties and pajama pants, Negan unhurriedly pulled them down her legs. Lifting her hips to help him made Negan smirk, his dimples becoming more prominent when he dropped the material aside. His eyes were drinking her in, while he stood at the bottom of the bed looking over her naked form. Stepping away from the bed, Negan adjusted his gray sweat pants causing her eyes to lower to gaze upon the incredible v line over Negan’s hips. His pants were hanging low, his breathing heavy emphasizing the lines of his body. Just the sight of that alone had her mouth watering.

“Waiting on you Joel,” Negan wiggled his finger, motioning Joel to follow him toward the bed. Laying down beside her on the right, Negan made sure that she was comfortable when his fingertips swept in over the area right below her belly button. Hovering his mouth over hers, Negan snickered when her fingers slid in over the back of his neck and sank into his messy hair. “You are in for a hell of a night.”

Putting one knee on the bed, Joel caught Negan’s attention when Negan stole a kiss from Y/N’s lips. Negan’s hazel eyes watched Joel’s movements as Joel lowered himself down at the left side of Y/N’s body. Drawing circles with his rough fingertips over Y/N’s body, Negan nibbled at her bottom lip. Sucking faintly at the flesh had her whimpering into his mouth.

Bracing himself, Negan leaned in over her body starting to trail kisses from her shoulder toward the center of her chest. Joining Negan, Joel’s palm settled at the inside of her thigh dragging up toward her warmth. Her senses were set ablaze between the both of them. Joel’s brown eyes were hooked on hers drinking her in as she laid between the two of them. Tipping her head back, a quiet moan escaped her parted lips with Negan’s mouth covering her breast. Twisting his tongue around the nipple resulted in her lifting her upper back toward him. Suckling and nipping at the flesh prompted her breath to go broken now with Joel’s hand caressing in over her core.

“Look at me,” Joel ordered in a quiet slur, his eyelids growing heavy with longing. “Do you like being spoiled like this?”

“Yes,” she panted, licking her lips when Joel’s lips claimed hers, kissing her with a hunger that took her breath away. The wet popping sound of Negan’s mouth leaving her breast had her whining, but it was short lasted when he kissed across her chest to the other one to cover her breast with continued heated kisses.

Right now? All Joel could focus on was pleasing her because if he thought deeply about this, there was a chance that he wouldn’t be able to do this.

Circling her clit with his rough fingertips, Joel was slow wanting to build up the pleasure. By the way that she was kissing him, Joel knew that Y/N was doing her best to stay quiet. The sounds she was making and the way she was clinging to him fueled Joel more than he ever expected it to. Putting a stronger pressure over her sensitive bundle of nerves had her hips arching up toward Joel’s caress wanting to meet his touch.

“Good girl,” Negan slurred, his mouth sliding up over the side of her neck to kiss at her jawline. Biting faintly at her chin, Negan got her to turn toward him to bring their lips together in a passionate sweep. Brushing his tongue against hers, Negan felt the bed dipping with Joel adjusting his positioning.

An involuntary whine followed with the loss of contact from Joel’s fingers. Getting on his knees at the bottom of the bed, Joel pushed apart her legs settling himself between her thighs. Squeezing at the fleshy part of her thighs had her tremoring at his touch. As his breath lingered over her sensitive folds, it had her arching up toward him drawing out a hum of approval from Joel’s throat.

“You have always had the prettiest pussy,” Joel whispered, allowing his fingertips to draw a line over the length of her sex. Negan’s large palm was caressing at the swell of her breast, his kisses covering the side of her neck. Lifting her head, she was trying to focus, but her eyelids were growing heavy with the overflow of sensations both of them were causing inside of her. Right now she was a trembling mess beneath the both of them. Licking his lips, Joel’s kisses started at her inner thigh while his finger traced a line down over her sex and back up. Circling her clit and then lowering down again. Purring out, her fingers sank into Negan’s hair at the back of his neck with is mouth taking her breast into it again. Leaving tiny bites at her skin, Joel wet his lips and tipped his head back. Shuffling his body, Joel bent forward dragging the length of his tongue across her entrance.

“Joel,” she cried out, her hips bouncing upward toward the warmth of his mouth. Grasping her face between his thumb and index finger, Negan forced her eyes to meet his and it made him smile. Every muscle in her body was tensing up with the slurping sounds of Joel suckling at her folds. Squirming beneath them, she knew that her natural instinct was to focus on Joel, but Negan wanted to see her reaction to what was happening. Dragging his thumb across her bottom lip elicited a wolfish smile over Negan’s lips.

“You are so fucking beautiful,” Negan growled, lowering down enough to hungrily kiss her. His tongue caressing at hers again and again, showing his dominance in the way that he kissed her.

Gazing up, Joel swallowed down hard at the sight of them kissing. There was so much passion and chemistry between the two of them with the way that they kissed. It had jealousy eating away at him with how visible close they clearly were. Pulling away slowly, Negan suckled faintly at her bottom lip, his eyes slowly lowering to hook with Joel’s.

“Get to it pretty boy,” Negan outstretched his hand, curling his finger underneath Joel’s chin. Getting Joel to tip his head back had Joel sucking in a sharp breath of air. “Y’know what? Nah. Let’s build up the longing. You gave her a taste. Make her beg for it. I think there needs to be a build up. Don’t you?”

Muttering something under his breath, Negan pushed himself up on the bed and got off it moving over toward the chair to sit down in it. Staring out at the two of them, Negan took notice of the way Y/N was breathing and she looked desperate to have him back.

“Why don’t the two of you kiss for a while?” Negan suggested, adjusting the Santa hat that he was wearing, palming across the length of his chest. “Then show her what you can do with that mouth Mr. Miller.”

“Negan,” she spoke his name, wiggling her fingers out in hopes to bring him back but before she could Joel was crawling in over her covering her with his weight. It surprised her with him lowering between her thighs listening to Negan’s suggestion. Joel’s arm curled around her waist pulling her in closer to him and it had her gasping out. Stroking her fingers down over the side of his face, she saw that his eyelids were heavy and his pupils were dilated. “You’re okay with this?”

“Yeah,” Joel whispered teasing his lips over hers just barely. It had her eyes fluttering to a close and it made Joel smile. Bringing their lips together, Joel never truly thought they would be able to be close like this again when she turned him down after he admitted his love to her at the school. Negan was right, they were both uncomfortable and needed to loosen up before they could truly be relaxed enough to do something like this. “You want this?”

“I think so,” she nibbled at Joel’s bottom lip, sinking her fingers into Joel’s messy hair getting him to look at her. Was there absolute certainty in her mind that she wanted this? Not exactly, but her mind had dreamt about it so it must have been something that she wanted. “I love both of you.”

With a nod, Joel stole another kiss from her with his fingers sliding down over the side of her neck to caress at her flesh. Trailing her kisses off over his jaw, Joel lifted his head allowing her room to kiss down over his neck. No one knew his body quite like she did. Every kiss was meticulous causing a chill to flood throughout his veins. In the distance, Joel caught the expression that was over Negan’s face while he watched the two of them. There was a lump growing in his throat at the idea of being watched. Why did he like it?

Taking his attention from Negan, Y/N pulled Joel back into a kiss that was nervous. It was delicate, slow. Allowing her to control the kiss at first, Joel knew that it was his job to make her realize that he was okay with this. That she could be comfortable with him here. Deepening the kiss, the caress of Joel’s lips grew more fervent. Hungrier. His hands caressed down over the sides of her body with him trapping her beneath his weight.

“I love you,” Joel whispered against her lips, hovering them just over hers. A shuddering exhale escaped her lips leaving Joel’s head buzzing with the feelings that he was experiencing. “So much.”

Movement was heard and Joel felt the warmth of a hand pressing in over his shoulder, “On your knees.”

Shakily doing as he was told, Joel was careful in the way he got up to his knees over Y/N. Even though he was tense, having Y/N’s eyes on him like she did took his breath away. There was something hypnotic about the way she was breathing while she was beneath him fully naked. The warmth of Negan’s body pressed in behind him. Biting down on his bottom lip, Joel felt Negan tugging at the bottom of Joel’s tank top.

“You’re the one wearing the most,” Negan pointed out, the warmth of his breath lingering over the side of Joel’s neck.

Cussing out, a breath caught in Joel’s throat when the bed dipped. Y/N was pressing up on her hands with Negan unhurriedly pulling the material up his abdomen. Sloppy kisses were being pressed over the flesh that was slowly being revealed to her. Palming in over the back of her head, Joel’s eyes came to a tight close. The warmth of Negan’s breath was at the side of his neck. Between the sensation of that and the way that Y/N was kissing at his flesh, it had Joel shuddering between them.

“Good boy,” Negan rasped, his nose nuzzling in against Joel’s jawline having Joel suck in a sharp breath of air. Reaching Joel’s arms, Negan tugged at the material. “Lift your arms.”

Lazily, Joel did what he was told and let Negan get his shirt from him and toss it onto the floor. Grunting, Negan’s fingers grabbed a tight hold of Joel’s jaw causing him to fall back against Negan’s chest. Doting kisses were still being pressed over his abdomen from Y/N who was now leaving small nibbles at his flesh.

“It doesn’t hurt to listen sometimes, does it?” Negan growled, his large palm sliding across the length of Joel’s chest. A chill flooded down Joel’s spine with the sensation of Negan caressing over his body and down over his abdomen. There was a rush flooding his veins when he felt Negan palm across his chest once more, having his heart skip a beat. “The benefits could be good if you give some orders a chance.”

Confusion flooded his veins with Negan moving away from him realizing that what Negan had done left goosebumps over his arms. Focusing elsewhere, Joel brought his eyes back to Y/N who was tugging at the knot in his pajama pants.

“On your knees sweetheart,” Negan gave her the same order, getting behind her on the bed once again trapping her between the two of them. Caressing his hands up over her sides had her resting her head back against Negan’s shoulder. Voraciously kissing over the side of her neck had Y/N reaching her fingers up to tug at Negan’s hair knocking the Santa hat from his head. “I want the both of you to enjoy this.”

Grasping her jaw in his fingers, Joel brought her lips to his just enough to affectionately kiss her. Flattening his palm out between the valley of her breasts, Joel teased her with his rough fingertips. Surrounding her breast with his palm, Joel tested the flesh in his grasp. A muted cry fell from her lips and it had Negan smiling, his eyelids heavy with want.

“Feel good?” Negan confirmed, his hand curling around the front of her body and sliding between her thighs. Palming in over her mound, Negan was gentle in the way he caressed at her flesh. It had her hips bouncing forward toward his touch. There was already a warmth pooling at her body from what the men had worked her up to earlier.

“Yes,” she panted with Negan’s other hand urging her to turn her head to him enough so he could kiss her. With parted lips, she eagerly allowed the warmth of Negan’s tongue to sweep against hers. Returning the gesture, she sucked faintly at Negan’s tongue eliciting a moan from him.

Starting to kiss down over her shoulder, Joel’s lips covered her breast again. Nibbling, suckling and teasing the flesh with sweeps of his tongue. Negan’s fingers connecting with Y/N’s sensitive bundle of nerves had her purring out in pure ecstasy. The sound that came from her throat drew heat right to Joel’s cock and he groaned against her flesh having her bounce forward toward him.

“You like being pampered, don’t you?” Negan mused, the circular motions of his fingers over her clit growing in strength. Nipping at her jaw had her whimpering out. The warmth of Joel’s hands caressing down over her hips followed, sliding lazily around to her bottom to squeeze the flesh in his grasp. Desperately meeting Joel’s mouth in a wet kiss, she moaned into his mouth in attempts to keep herself quiet. Dragging his lips over her jawline, Negan hummed and smiled. “That’s it.”

With a shuddering breath, Y/N pulled her mouth from Joel’s to drop her forehead against Joel’s shoulder. Dropping his hand down, Negan squeezed at the fleshy part of her thigh while his caress continued over her most intimate parts.

“Closer,” Negan mouthed, his hazel eyes locking with Joel’s. Tipping his head to the side, Joel wondered just how much closer they could all get. Rolling his eyes, Negan lifted his hand that wasn’t between her thighs. Hooking his arm around Joel, Negan got him to move closer having Joel’s naked chest pressed up against hers. Kissing over her earlobe, Negan nipped at the flesh and growled. “Touch him.”

Huffing out, Joel felt the firm smack of Negan’s hand over his ass before Negan’s hand returned to her thigh to squeeze at it. Truthfully? Joel didn’t know how to respond to that, but there wasn’t enough time for him to. Nudging her thighs further apart with his knee, Negan had her gasping out. Shakily bracing her hands over Joel’s abdomen, she listened to Negan palming in over Joel’s chest. Tipping down she kissed at the center of it having Joel tip his head back. There was a fire flooding Joel’s veins with his heart hammering in his chest. Lifting his fingers to his lips, Negan took his own fingers into his mouth. That allowed Joel to take advantage, dropping his hand between her thighs to discover that she was soaked.

“You really do want this, don’t you?” Joel’s voice was deeper, his finger circling her entrance before sinking into her with a wet sound. Unhurried thrusts of his thick digit followed having her biting at his flesh. Inserting another finger, Joel took his time thrusting them inside of her. The slight stretch had her tremoring between them. “You’re so fucking wet.”

“Look at you,” Negan’s hand grasped firmly to her jaw, pulling her back against him. Hissing out, she yearned for the touch of Negan’s lips over hers. Claiming her as his while Joel’s mouth was at the side of her neck. Rewarding her with a kiss, Negan sucked tenderly at her tongue pulling away just enough to tease her. “You’re shaking.”

Pressing forward, Negan bucked his hips against her bottom causing her to whine, “You feel that?”

“Yes,” she panted, doing her best to not buckle over in pleasure with what she was feeling. Dropping her hand back behind her, she palmed over the front of Negan’s sweatpants having him moan in her ear. Unhurriedly Negan bucked his hips up against her palm allowing her to stroke over his body through the material to the best of her ability. “Please…”

“What do you want?” Negan snickered, reaching for Joel to pull him forward so he could kiss Y/N to a sweet surrender. Using her other hand, Y/N reached between them to palm over Joel’s groin getting him to grunt against her lips. The vibration of it against her flesh felt incredible. It was hard to keep herself from being loud since she knew the situation that they were in. Deep plunges of Joel’s fingers inside of her had her rocking her hips against the movements wanting to feel more of what he was doing. “See, it’s okay to listen to your dreams sometimes.”

Joel had gone back to kiss her and Negan’s kisses were pressing over her jawline getting closer to her lips. The warmth of Negan’s mouth near his had Joel backing slightly, his Adam’s apple bouncing in his throat when Y/N started to kiss Negan. Boldly leaning forward Joel greedily stole her back for another kiss which had Negan snickering as Negan kissed at the corner of her mouth. Negan’s tongue brushed out against her flesh causing her to whimper. Whether they were meaning to or not, all of their mouths collided in the kiss that they were sharing. Maybe Joel should have pulled back, but it didn’t feel wrong. Their kisses grew in strength, sharing Y/N and their lips colliding on occasion. Their breathing matched, broken and loud.

“Fuck,” Joel groaned. His forehead falling forward against Negan’s when her fingers curled around Joel’s girthy shaft through the material of his thin pajama pants. Instinctively her lips kissed over Joel’s jawline and he felt his heart jumping in his chest with how close he was to Negan in the moment of his vulnerability. Closing his eyes, Joel moaned when Negan dropped his head down, nudging his nose slightly against the other side of Joel’s neck. Wincing, Negan’s lips kissing over the side of Joel’s neck had a rush flooding through Joel’s veins. There was a vast difference between the two. Negan’s short beard scratched at his flesh while they both seemed to have their way with Joel. Quickening the motions of his fingers inside of Y/N had her falling in against his chest and Joel moaned again when he felt the walls of her tight canal clenching around his fingers.

“That’s it,” Negan knew by the sounds she was making that she was about to come. Joining Joel, Negan’s fingers circled her clitoris until she was a shaking mess between the both of them with the two working together to bring her to her first orgasm. “Good girl.”

Licking his lips, Joel didn’t know how to feel about what was happening. When he thought he was having a threesome with Y/N he didn’t think him nor Negan would be getting anywhere near one another but they might as well have kissed several times with how they were both kissing Y/N. Plus, there was that moment Negan kissed his neck. The bad thing is that Joel didn’t hate it, but his brain kept telling him that he should have.

“Get on your hands and knees at the center of the bed sweetheart,” Negan playfully smacked her ass having her whimper. Tremors still filled her body and Negan helped adjust her the way he wanted with her head at the bottom of the bed near Joel. Grabbing the Santa hat that was on the bed, Negan put it back on, adjusting it quickly before moving in behind Y/N. Caressing over her hips, Negan smirked and bobbed his head arrogantly.

“Are you going to wear that stupid hat still?” Joel stammered, caressing over Y/N’s shoulders when she went back to kissing over his lower abdomen.

“Fuck yeah I am,” Negan snickered, his chest rising and falling with his breathing growing heavier. “I’m fucking Santa Claus tonight and I’m delivering presents. So why the fuck not?”

Rolling his eyes, Joel cleared his throat when Negan palmed in over the front of his gray sweatpants drawing attention to the tent in them, “And now, I’m gonna give myself a gift and eat out this beautiful pussy.”

Excitement flooded her body when Negan got comfortable behind her squeezing and caressing at her fleshy bottom. Groaning out, Joel’s head dropped back when she started stroking at his erection through the material of his pajama pants again. Dropping his head, Joel swept his hand in over her face to keep the hair out of her eyes with her fingers hooking into the waistband of Joel’s pants. Taking them down with his boxers had the material pooling at Joel’s ankles.

Groaning out, Joel’s cock bounced in her face with her fingers swiftly curling around his girthy cock. Strokes of her hand over his flesh, teased the skin back and forth over his sensitive tip. Joel’s brow line creased when she pulled the flesh back so she could take him between her wet lips. Rolling his eyes back, Joel hissed out and licked his lips.

The damp heat around his rigid length felt amazing with her dedicated strokes of her tongue over the ridges of the tip, “Fuck…”

With a smirk, Negan pressed forward to start kissing at the back of Y/N’s thighs. Adjusting her legs, Negan pushed at her cheeks so he could get a better look at her tight hole. Dragging his tongue along the length of her sex had her crying out which had Joel’s hands tremoring while he stroked his fingers at her scalp.

Moaning against her flesh had her whimpering again and that’s when Negan started lapping at her body. His tongue prodding and flicking at her entrance, his fingers connecting with her clitoris to tease over her already sensitive clit. Doing her best to stay steady on her hand that was bracing her weight, Y/N continued to give Joel a blowjob finding it hard to focus with the way that Negan was pleasuring her.

Slurping, wet sounds came from both her and Negan while they pleasured the person before them. Wincing out, Joel sank his fingers tighter into her hair with her pulling her mouth away when Negan started plunging his fingers into her. Pumping them into her, Negan licked his wet lips and cussed out.

“You have the prettiest pussy,” Negan complimented her with a hum, dropping forward to flick his tongue against her hole again. His eyes closing tightly to focus on the sounds she was making when he did it. Feasting on her body had her rocking back against his movements with her hand still caressing over Joel’s saliva covered cock. “Fuck…”

“My turn,” Joel suggested stepping away from Y/N. Leaning back on his knees, Negan wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand. Giving a single nod, Negan got up from the bed. Laying down on the bed, Joel urged her to crawl in over his shoulders with her hands balancing herself on the bed. Hooking his arms around her thighs brought her down closer to him so he could suckle at her clit eliciting another cry from her. Hooking his arms in place made sure that she couldn’t move much while he had his way with her.

Varying between using his tongue and his mouth, Joel hungrily pleasured her finding himself fueled with the way that she was trying so hard to be quiet, but she wasn’t doing a very good job with it. Her thighs were tremoring in his grasp, her hips rocking against his movements. Having both Joel and Negan worshiping her body like this was not something she was expecting. It had her on cloud nine, her body hot and shaking.

“You’re so fucking pretty,” Negan grasped her jaw between his thumb and index finger. Tipping her head back, he gave her a big wolfish smile. Leaning down, Negan captured her lips in another kiss that took her breath away with each caress of his lips over hers. Sweeping his thumb across her wet bottom lip when their kiss broke apart had Negan snickering. Dragging his fingers down over the side of her neck, he reached down to pinch at her hard nipple inducing a whine from her. Using his free hand, Negan pushed at the front of his sweatpants and black boxer briefs. Lazily pulling at the material had his cock springing free from the restrictive material when he just got the material right below the base of his cock. Firmly curling his fingers around his lengthy cock, Negan stepped before her with her wetting her lips at the sight of it. “Come here beautiful.”

Allowing Negan to bring her closer to him, she happily accepted him into her mouth with him cautiously thrusting his hips back and forth to sink his body into her throat. Taking his time to make sure that she was comfortable with the motions. Having Joel’s head buried between her thighs and Negan’s cock in her mouth was nothing she ever expected to have, but she liked it. And it fueled her to both pleasure Negan and rock her hips against Joel’s mouth. A raspy moan escaped Negan’s throat, with him caressing over her back. Squeezing at Negan’s hips, she pulled his pants and boxer briefs just under his ass. Cupping his testicles tenderly, she slurped and lapped at his body with her tongue having his hisses growing more frequent.

Cussing out in pleasure, Negan felt her fingers sinking into his hips when Joel got her to moan against his flesh. Twitching, Negan bit at his bottom lip and hummed. Her hands swept around to Negan’s ass to squeeze at his small bottom.

“Joel,” she forced herself away from Negan’s cock, crying out with the way Joel was feasting on her body. Her lips were wet, leaving a line of spit from the tip of Negan’s cock to her mouth. “Christ. You never…”

Closing her eyes shut tightly, her body trembled at what Joel was doing. As of their last few sex sessions, he wasn’t usually this focused on pleasuring her and it had her feeling euphoric from what he was doing, “Ah, well now he has something to prove…”

Joel was relentless with his motions sending waves of pleasure throughout her entire body. Dropping her head against Negan’s lower abdomen had an amused rumble escaping his throat. There was the wet sound of Joel sucking at her throbbing clit before sweeping his tongue around it. His thick fingers were plunging into her body, matching the motions of his tongue. Euphoria was spreading out through her body from her fingers to her toes, her face burying against Negan’s naked hip while he stroked his fingers over the back of her neck.

Dropping his head back on the bed, Joel’s lips were wet with his dark eyes full of lust and want for the woman over him, “Hook your arms around me.”

Listening to Negan, she gasped when he easily pulled her up from Joel and laid her down beside Joel. Pushing open her thighs, Negan laid between them. Curling his arm around one of them, he pushed at her other thigh allowing her to open herself up to him. Bracing his left arm across her lower abdomen locked her in place. Stroking his fingers from her clit to her entrance and then back again had her hips arching upwards.

A rumble of an amused sound fell from Negan and Joel rolled onto his side to caress over the lengths of her abdomen with is mouth surrounding her breast again, “You wanna show Joel our new trick?”

A wicked smirk pulled at Negan’s handsome features, rubbing his cheek against the inside of her thighs. The rough sensation of his short beard pressing over her skin had her hips arching up toward him. Circling his fingers around her entrance, Negan lowered his mouth down to start circling his tongue over her clit. Taking his time to press his fingers into her had her whimpering. Closing his eyes, Negan seemed to genuinely enjoy pleasuring her with his mouth suctioning at her flesh. Thrusting his fingers just the right way had Negan hitting her g-spot like he had done before having a fire growing at the pit of her belly. After two orgasms? Everything was sensitive. And she didn’t know how she’d make it through the sex part if this was how they kept up at everything.

The weight of the bed adjusted with Joel moving around to the bottom of the bed with Negan. Peppering kisses over her lower abdomen, Joel surprisingly enjoyed the wet sounds that Negan’s fingers were making inside of her with her hips rocking up toward him.

“You wanna share?” Negan slurred, pulling his mouth away from her body. Not allowing Joel an answer, Negan sank his fingers into Joel’s hair to pull him closer to her core. Pressing wet, hot kisses against her clit while Negan’s fingers continued to firmly thrust into her had her cooing out. Taking turns, they would both lap at her body with their tongues and sucking at her sensitive folds. Lifting his head while Joel was pleasuring her, Negan took notice of her body shaking, her fingers curled tightly around the comforter so much so that her knuckles were turning white. “Almost there baby.”

Shudders filled her entire body with her reaching for a pillow to cover her face to muffle her cries when Negan’s fingers were forced from her body when he got her to squirt. Moaning out himself, Negan felt an incredible ache at his cock. Joel’s eyes seemed surprised with his hand stroking down over his chest.

Getting up on his knees, Joel pulled her hips closer to him, his fingers pressing into her swiftly thrusting them inside of her having her arching up toward him with her still shaking. Hitting the same spots that Negan had been prodding away at had her rocking her hips against his fingers. Joel was determined, his breathing loud.

“A little bit more,” Negan trailed his fingers down between her breasts over her lower abdomen and then back again. Hissing out, Joel felt his cock twitch when the wet sound of another orgasm flooding from her body was felt. “Hot, right? We only recently just learned she was capable of this.”

“Fuck me,” she felt like the room was spinning around her with her pulling the pillow from her face. How her heart was pounding in her chest had her breathless and she shook her head. “Are you two trying to kill me? Do you not want me around tomorrow or…?”

“Don’t be dramatic,” Negan hushed her with an amused expression when Joel laid in over her, bracing himself on his left hand. Stroking over his cock with his right, Joel teased the swollen tip over her clitoris having her whimper. Lowering down beside Y/N Negan stroked his fingers over her jawline getting her to look at him. “I want to see the look on your face when he enters you.”

Quickly kissing her, Negan looked down to watch Joel line his rigid cock up with her seeping entrance. With a smack forward of Joel’s hips, it had her head tipping back with her eyes still locked on Negan’s. Clicking his tongue at the top of his mouth, Negan let out an amused rumble of a sound with Joel lowering in over her. Hooking his arm under her shoulders, Joel brought her closer to him with his head burying against the side of her neck that Negan wasn’t at.

The bed squeaked with the thrusts Joel was making inside of her, her winces filling the air. Leaning across, Negan’s mouth covered hers with his tongue brushing against hers. Humming when he pulled away, Negan got up to his knees and his hand settled in over Joel’s lower back.

“Slow it down,” Negan instructed causing Joel to grunt and look back over his shoulder at Negan. “Draw it out. Deep plunges.”

“I know how to have sex Negan,” Joel suggested with Negan dramatically bobbing his head about.

“I agree. I know you do. But we wanna drag this out. You’re gonna wear her out and she’s right. We’re gonna dehydrate her and she’s gonna be face down sleeping in this bed tomorrow. Let’s go for a more sensual experience instead of fucking,” Negan explained, his hazel eyes locked with Joel’s dark eyes. Sliding his palm in over Joel’s ass, Negan squeezed just at the bottom of it getting Joel to flex his hips up. “Slow pull back.”

Guiding Joel’s thrusts had Joel lowering his forehead against Y/N’s with her arms hooking around Joel’s shoulders. Strangely enough Joel liked the way Negan caressed over his back while his body moved over hers.

“Thatta boy,” Negan stood from the bed watching the two of them closely. Kicking out of his pants, Negan stroked at his swollen cock. “Don’t be greedy Joel. You gotta learn to share.”

Biting back the smart remark that he wanted to make, Joel pulled his hips away from her and laid in beside her. An indescribable ache overwhelmed her with the empty feeling. Wincing, Joel felt his cock resting against his lower abdomen and loosely wrapped his fingers around it to stroke over it slightly.

“Alright beautiful,” Negan breathed, crawling in over her and bracing his weight over his palms. The top of the Santa hat fell in over his eyes again making Negan laugh. Blowing, he tried to get it out of his face, but Y/N reached up to pull it from his head revealing the messy hair beneath. “Making things less festive…”

Getting comfortable between her thighs, Negan urged her to wrap her legs around his waist, “Hook your ankles…”

Doing as she was told, a shuddering breath fell from her throat with the closeness of Negan pressing in over her bracing his weight on his left hand. Leading his manhood to her entrance, Negan took his time sinking into her with his hazel eyes locked on hers. Parting her lips, she did her best to keep her eyes locked on his. Palming in over the side of her face, Negan’s hips would push forward before pulling back almost to the tip before forward again. It was incredibly deep penetration having her whimpering with every thrust he made. Their eyes were locked with them focused solely on one another with Negan stealing small kisses.

“Negan,” she cooed out, her hands palming up and over the lengths of his chest having him moaning with his movements.

Pulling himself up into a seated position, Joel cleared his throat noticing how desperate she was to have Negan close. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t see the bond between the two of them, “We need better sharing positions…”

An amused rumble fell from Negan with him nodding. Giving her a quick kiss, Negan got to his knees dragging his cock from her tight canal with a grunt. It allowed her to shakily sit up reaching out to stroke both her hands over their cocks. Urging them forward had the two of them close with her dropping down to take Joel’s cock into her mouth before going to Negan’s. Switching between the both of them had Joel bracing some of his weight against Negan.

“Fuck,” Joel moaned, his head burying against Negan’s shoulder. Biting at the flesh had Negan hissing out, his back arching with his chest pushing out closer to Joel. Negan lowered his head pressing faint kisses at Joel’s jawline. Closing his eyes, Joel tipped his head back enjoying the way it felt. Breathlessly, Joel placed his hand in over the center of Negan’s chest. How did this keep happening? Knowing that it should have been Y/N they were focusing on, Joel turned his body. Sitting down at the top of the bed, Joel braced his back against the headboard. Wiggling his fingers to direct her to him, Joel helped her lower herself down over his length after she crawled in over him with his hand settling at her lower back. “You feel so good.”

Beyond Y/N, Negan stayed there as if considering what Joel had just done, his eyebrow arching in amusement. Nodding his head, Negan moved on the bed getting on his knees behind Y/N. Palming in over her breasts while she rocked her hips over Joel had her breathing loud.

“Do you like the way he feels inside of you?” Negan slurred, pressing kisses against the side of her face. Grasping firmly to her hips, Negan helped her bounce her hips over Joel’s length, biting at her jawline. Joel’s eyebrows were furrowed locked on the movements that her body was making over his. Bracing his left hand against the headboard beside Joel’s head, Negan pulled her hips up from Joel’s length having Joel’s cock hit his stomach with a smack. Leading himself back into her, Negan started rolling his hips from behind her having her breasts bounce in Joel’s face. The warmth of her surrounding him felt incredible with Negan nuzzling his nose in against the side of her neck. The soft smacks of his balls smacking up against her clit had her purring out. “Do you like daddy inside of you?”

Hearing Negan call himself daddy had Joel smirking and he lifted up to start kissing in over the side of Y/N’s neck. Now it felt like a competition again. Of which one was better. Y/N’s head was tipped back against Negan’s shoulder in euphoria. Flexing his bicep around her waist, Joel pulled her from Negan and led her back over him. Guiding her down to fill herself completely had her whimpering out, bracing her hands against Joel’s chest while Negan continued to kiss at the side of her neck.

Meeting her with his thrusts upward with every roll of her hips had her panting out Joel’s name. Licking her lips with her eyes closed, she hooked her arm around her to jerk Negan off. Having Negan’s lips parting, his moans muted against the side of her neck.

“Do you feel good?” Joel breathed knowing that he was letting himself get fired up. Negan didn’t see this as a competition. God he was so fucking stupid. This was supposed to be them focusing on her and by the sounds she was making it was clear she was loving this. Not seeing or believing there was anything wrong between them because Joel promised her it would be fine.

“So good,” she responded in a faint moan with her trying to hold back her cries. They both were so different that it brought forth a contrasting sensation each time they switched.

“You wanna come?” Negan growled, his fingers dropping between her thighs to circle her clit allowing the right amount of friction with her grinding against his fingers with every upward movement she made over Joel’s thick cock. Between the both of them she was a hot mess. They were stretching her and filling her in the ways only they could drawing everything out. “Go on baby…come around Joel’s cock.”

Loud pants fell from her throat with her hips tremoring over Joel’s. The contractions of her tight walls clamping to his cock from her orgasm had Joel’s head resting against the center of her chest. His moans were faint and he wasn’t quite as verbal as Negan, but as he nuzzled his nose against her chest he felt like this was the closest they’d been in a long time.

“Come here,” Negan hooked his arm around her waist, pulling her from Joel again with her back against his chest. Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, Negan let her sit in his lap for a moment bracing her hands against his thighs. Smacking faintly at her bottom, Negan got her to lift her hips up and slowly lower herself down over his cock having her whine when he filled her completely. “Take your time. Catch your breath. I just like the way it feels being inside of you.”

Sitting up, Joel urged Y/N’s face to turn toward him with him curling his finger underneath her chin. Having her weakly kiss him back made him wonder if they were truly going to wear her out for tomorrow. This was about making her feel good and they were doing just that.

Placing her feet on the ground, she grasped tightly to Negan’s thighs starting to rock herself back against Negan before forward. It drew only a small amount of his cock out of her, but it felt good. They both left her with addictive ache that she wasn’t ready to lose. Once Negan filled her fully again, she circled her hips over his in a circular motion. It had Negan’s eyelids growing heavy, his lips parting to allow the inexplicable moan that wanted to escape his lips out.

“Nothing feels better than being inside of you,” Negan alerted her, nuzzling his nose against the back of her neck. Suddenly feeling left out again, Joel smirked and curled his fingers around Negan’s neck, pulling him down to the bed. Wincing, Negan stared up at Joel with Joel’s thumb pressing over the fleshy part of Negan’s throat. Loud smacks were filling the air with her now bouncing steadily back and then forward over Negan’s cock. They both looked watching Negan’s cock disappearing into her time and time again. Her arousal coating the length of it.

“You’re a pain in the ass,” Joel mouthed, his dark eyes locked on Negan’s. An amused breath fell from Negan’s throat followed by a moan. Trying to look up, Negan wanted to continue to watch Y/N’s movements over his body but Joel kept him down. “She sure does know how to ride your cock, doesn’t she? Gets drunk off of it. Like nothing feels better than you being inside of her.”

“You’d know,” Negan commented, his breathing labored with his eyes coming to a tight close with how good it felt with Y/N doing what she was. Using his body in the ways that felt good to her. Speaking quietly, Negan sucked in a sharp breath with Joel’s grasp around his throat tightening. “Either kiss me or kick my ass because you wanna do one of the two.”

“Fuck you Negan,” Joel growled lifting his hand from Negan’s throat to smack at the side of Negan’s face. Shock flooded Negan’s eyes with his breathing intensifying.

“You little shit,” Negan lifted up, stealing an angry kiss from Joel’s lips. Part of Joel wanted to pull away, but he didn’t. Instead he kissed Negan back, with the two of them fighting for dominance over the kiss. It was a foreign sensation, with Negan moaning against his mouth. Negan’s lips parted and instinctively Joel teased his tongue in against Negan’s who eagerly sucked faintly at it. Moaning, Joel felt an ache at his cock realizing this was turning out to be vastly different than he originally thought it was going to be. Unhurriedly, he pulled back nipping at Negan’s bottom lip with the movement. Humming, Joel dragged his thumb out across Negan’s bottom lip and shook his head. Patting Negan on the side of the face, Joel smirked and then lifted up to reach for Y/N. Pulling her from Negan’s cock had her whining. She had built a confident, steady pace attempting to reach a moment of bliss for the both of them, but Joel stole that from her.

Urging her back up onto the bed. Joel got her onto her knees and moved in behind her. Entering her in a fluid movement, Joel’s head tipped back and his throat flexed with slow, steady movements. It had her bouncing forward with every thrust. Negan was still laid stretched out across the bed in front of her. His cock twitching while it rest against his lower abdomen. “Fuck me.”

Stretching out his lengthy body, Negan felt Y/N lowering down enough to kiss over his abdomen while Joel’s thrusts continued behind her, “You okay?”

“Peachy,” Negan licked his lips, snatching the Santa hat that she had pulled off him earlier putting it back on. Stroking over her face, Negan cherished her features lifting up to steal a few kisses from her. “I love you. So fucking much.”

“Mmm…I love you too,” she hummed, sucking tenderly at his bottom lip. Closing her eyes, she lowered her upper half resting it over Negan’s chest, her fingers curling around Negan’s manhood caressing over it slowly. Pressing her down, Joel’s hips smacked up against her bottom, his winces filling the air with his movements.

Reaching around with her free hand, Y/N urged Joel’s hips to smack up against her harder. Turning her head, her mouth met Joel’s lips with his tongue brushing out against hers. Instead of saying anything, his breathing grew more broken, his hand shakily reaching out to grab a hold of Negan’s. Burying his nose against the side of her neck, Joel released a faint moan, his hips slowing down but growing in strength. Closing her eyes, she winced with every thrust feeling the throbbing of Joel inside of her. With a final grunt, Joel nipped at her chin with his eyes slamming shut.

“Thatta boy,” Negan rumbled patting Joel on the side of the face. Carefully drawing his hips back, Joel grunted when his cock pulled from her warmth. Tipping his head down, he watched some of his come dripping from her body and smirked. Feeling his body aching as well, Negan got up to his feet at the bottom of the bed. Working carefully, he turned her onto her back pulling her right to the edge. Getting on his knees, he grabbed a hold of one of her thighs, pushing her legs open just enough to lead his aching cock back into her. “How do you feel? Good?”

“Yes,” she panted with Joel sliding in beside her to caress over the lengths of her abdomen, squeezing and palming at her breasts as they bounced with Negan’s thrusts.

“That’s exactly what we wanted,” Negan slurred with a weak smile, plunging his cock into her. The bed was squeaking with the thrusts he was making, his head tipping back showing that the prominent vein at the side of his neck was bulging. Having Negan moaning like he was drew a fire through her veins again. Being the reason for a man to make those sounds was amazing. Lowering down in over her, Negan curled his hand around the back of her neck to get her to lift her head up so she could kiss him. Humming against her lips, Negan’s thrusts started to grow stronger with her cries getting louder. “I just want you happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“Negan,” she palmed up over Negan’s chest, her fingers teasing through the dark curls of hair that covered his skin. Tipping her head back allowed Joel the room to kiss her again. Stretching his arm around, Joel’s fingers curled around the back of Negan’s thigh urging him to move faster.

“Fuck,” Negan bit down on his bottom lip, pressing in closer to her wanting to make this more personal with the ending. A small nudge of Joel’s nose against the side of Negan’s face drew him to turn his head toward Joel. This time Joel’s lips claimed his with her moan following as Negan’s thrusts grew stronger with the swollen tip of his cock hitting her in all the right places. Parting his lips, Negan allowed Joel’s tongue to brush against his once. They all shared kisses with Negan’s moans growing raspier. Negan’s hips started to falter, his forehead pressing to hers when the first line of his come filled her. Again and again he smacked up against her having her clinging to him, her whispered praises being pressed against his ear.

“Keep going,” she pled clinging tightly to him when his thrusts quickened, her hips eagerly rocking up to meet his movements. With a final cry, her nails dug into Negan’s shoulders, his eyes rolling back when he pulled his body from hers with a wet sound. Dropping at the other side of her, they all laid there staring up at the ceiling trying to catch their breath.

“That was…” Joel finally broke the silence lowering his hand to hook his fingers with hers. “Highly unexpected.”

With a laugh, Negan rolled onto his side and loosely wrapped his arm around Y/N’s body. Nuzzling his nose against the side of her neck, Negan deposited loving kisses over her jawline and sighed, “But very nice.”

“I’m just going to be feeling it for days,” she alerted them, her breathing still labored. Turning on his side too, Joel caressed over her inner thigh, his kisses pressing in over her shoulder. The ache was strong, but one she quite liked. Lifting her head, she felt the warmth of their release spilling from her body and she licked her lips. “I’m going to need some Gatorade.”

Snorting, Negan couldn’t help but laugh causing the other two to laugh as well, “We need to clean you up.”

“Hey,” Joel called out, snatching Negan’s wrist firmly with his fingers before Negan could get up from the bed. “Why waste tissue when you can use your mouth?”

“Joel,” she breathed out his name catching the smirk that Negan gave. With a half nod, Negan lowered himself back between her thighs again having her exhaling loudly. Placing her thigh over his shoulder, Negan tenderly pressed two fingers back inside of her coating the walls of her spent body with their release. Lazily dragging them out from inside of her, Negan lifted his fingers and saw Joel eyeing them over.

“You first,” Negan looked to his fingers that were coated in their fluids, a wicked expression flooding his features. Joel’s dark eyes narrowed, but instead of backing down he lifted up to drag his tongue over the length of Negan’s fingers. Taking Negan’s fingers into his mouth, Joel sucked them clean and heard Negan’s moan follow.

A cry fell from her lips when Negan’s head lowered between her thighs with Negan’s mouth and tongue lapping at her body. Involuntarily her body shook against him. Everything was sensitive, but she couldn’t deny that it still felt good. Negan was doing just as he was instructed by Joel and her eyes squeezed shut tightly.

“You crazy son of a bitch,” Joel hooked his fingers into Negan’s hair pulling his head up. Tugging him up, Joel dragged his tongue out over Negan’s lips. A loud exhale fell from Y/N’s throat, a weak smile forming at her lips. Over and over again Joel kissed Negan tasting himself along with the others on his mouth.

“Goddamn,” she blurt out having Joel pull his mouth from Negan’s with a wet sound.

“Don’t pretend you don’t like it,” Negan scoffed with a laugh, lowering his head enough to nip at the flesh right below her navel.

“Oh, I’m all for it. I’m just waiting to wake up now,” she brushed her fingers through Negan’s wet hair. “I always thought the two of you might have had something going on when we were younger, but…”

“We never did anything,” Joel spoke up firmly having both Negan and Y/N look at him with an odd expression when he interrupted her thought process. “I’m…straight.”

“Right, me too,” Negan snickered, his right eyebrow arching in amusement. The tone of his voice was layered with sarcasm. Giving Joel a wink, Negan started to pull himself up from the bed. “Whatever you say buddy.”

“We just got lost in a moment,” Joel reasoned, feeling a sense of panic flooding his veins. “I don’t sleep with men. I haven’t.”

“Hey,” Y/N hushed Joel, outstretching her hand to palm in over the side of his face. “It’s okay. I don’t mind. It was hot. And you both clearly liked it.”

“I’ll be right back, I’m going to get something to clean up,” Negan dipped in to press a lingering kiss over Y/N’s lips. Brushing his tongue against hers had her purring out. The taste of their arousal still lingered over Negan’s lips and it made her moan.

Heading to the bathroom left Joel alone with Y/N. Pulling himself up into a seated position, Joel looked toward the bathroom and cleared his throat, “It’s okay Joel. We all enjoyed each other. That’s all that matters.”

“I just haven’t…” Joel tried to defend himself again and she silenced him, sweeping her thumb across his bottom lip.

“We’re all close. It was a passionate moment and it’s okay. I’m happy that we all shared that together. It made me happy.”

“You’re not gonna look at me different?” Joel spoke almost in a whisper, his southern accent growing deeper.

“Are you going to look at me different?” she repeated the question with Joel shaking his head slowly. “Then of course not.”

“I uh…” Joel brushed his messy hair out of his face and nodded toward the bathroom. “I’ll be right back.”

Getting up to his feet, Joel gave her a wink and left her to herself laying at the center of the bed. Truly, she looked happy. It was a first for her and he knew that. Being between two men? That was something completely different and she seemed to be living off the high from it all.

“Hey,” Joel spoke quietly, closing the door somewhat behind him when he entered the bathroom. At the sink, Negan lifted his head and his eyes met Joel’s in the mirror. “I uh…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Negan shook his head, washing up and reaching for a few things. “I know you’re supposed to hate me so after tonight you’re gonna go back to your old self. Don’t let my queer brain make your straight one feel uncomfortable.”

“You’re the first guy I kissed,” Joel stammered with Negan going to walk back out to the bedroom. “Okay? I’ve only been with women. This is…weird for me.”

“It’s normal Joel. People have sex. Sex feels good,” Negan stepped forward, his hazel eyes looking down upon Joel as if trying to read him. “And that’s what just happened. We did what felt good. No labels. No dumb shit. Fuck, it was just three people aiming to feel good. Don’t make it more than it is.”

Silence followed. Negan waited for Joel to say something, but when he didn’t, Negan just chuckled to himself and shook his head. Moving around Joel, Negan went to head back into the bedroom.

“Get over here you little shit,” Joel hissed pulling Negan back, having him stumbling back to him. Taking advantage of the taller, skinnier man before him, Joel grabbed a firm hold of Negan by the jaw. His other hand wrapped around Negan’s middle. Forcing him to look in the mirror, Joel shook his head. Pressing himself against Negan’s back, Joel could hear Negan’s breathing loud. “I’m in love with her.”

“And so am I,” Negan stressed wincing when Joel nuzzled his nose in against the side of Negan’s neck. Closing his eyes, Negan sucked in a sharp breath of air with Joel kissing at his skin. Tiny bites were placed over the area and it had Negan moaning. “Just because you love her doesn’t mean you can’t want someone to pound your tight ass.”

“I think you’re confusing yourself with me,” Joel’s hips bucked up against Negan drawing Negan to hiss out firmly. “If anyone was going to fuck someone in the ass, I reckon it would be me. I’m the alpha between the two of us.”

“You scream bottom Joel Miller,” Negan was quick to reverse the hold that Joel had on him. Forcing Joel face down on the counter of the bathroom had Joel grunting out. Palming down over Joel’s back, Negan took his time to squeeze at Joel’s fleshy bottom. “The man who has to be in control of everything, all the time. You’re screaming for someone to take that control from you.”

“We know you’re the one desperate to put my dick in your mouth,” Joel slurred eliciting a laugh from Negan who nodded.

“Well, I guess I’m the dick sucker and the butt fucker in the situation,” Negan released Joel allowing him to stand up. Heading for the door, he stopped and shrugged his shoulders. “This is hypothetically speaking of course.”

Leaving him alone in the bathroom had Joel’s heart pounding away inside of his chest. Was that flirting between the two of them? Let alone, how could he even respond to what happened between them tonight. He did hate Negan. And part of him did have negative feelings toward Negan. Did this all really happen just because of a heat of the moment kind of thing?

Gathering himself, he counted down from a number and then headed back into the bedroom. By now Negan and Y/N were laying at the center of the bed. The light was turned off and the only light filtering through was from the outside. Negan had finally taken off that silly fucking hat and Y/N was drawing circles over his chest while they whispered about something.

“Do you want me to leave?” Joel wondered swallowing down hard with Y/N shaking her head. Extending her hand out toward Joel, she grasped his fingers in hers and led him to lay back down. Cuddling his head in at the back of her neck, Joel deposited a kiss and appreciated her allowing him to hold her.

A lot of thoughts were running wild through Joel’s head as he stroked his thumb over the back of her hand. What did this mean for them? What did the future hold for their relationship? And so many other things. Even though he was comfortable and the most at ease he had been in a long time, he couldn’t sleep.

“Joel?” Y/N whispered after what felt like a very long time after they had laid down to sleep. “Are you awake?”

“Uh huh,” Joel was quiet, lifting his head to see that Negan’s chest was rising and falling showing that he was asleep.

“Did you slap Negan when I had my back turned?” she looked over her shoulder at Joel who gave a sheepish smile.

“I did,” Joel didn’t lie, his eyebrows bouncing up when she let out a laugh.

“I thought so,” she snickered, pulling his hand up to press a kiss over the back of it. “Smooth Mr. Miller. Very smooth.”

“I’ve wanted to smack that man for a very long time,” Joel admitted, pressing a lingering kiss against her temple. “This was just the first time I took advantage of it.”

Another quiet chuckle was heard from her with him cuddling back in from behind her. Wrapping her up in his arms, Joel wondered if this whole threesome thing would be doable. More than anything he had a lot of questions. And hopefully they would all be answered very soon. Just right now, he was going to enjoy feeling good for the first time in a very long time.

----

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