#obviously the stress of the situation is just making me more reactive than normal and i don't know how long itll take for me to cool down

[rolandkaros]

election thoughts

calling trump voters 'dumb' is ignorant. some of these people are dumb but a lot of them are just selfish.

blaming third-party voters is ignoring the issue re: over half the country was willing to vote for trump anyway. likewise, pointing out that trump won the popular vote and that third-party votes wouldn't have made a difference is ignoring the voting system. conversations about third-party voters in general are not fruitful. some people are just going to vote third-party and expecting them to suddenly not do so is naïve. there is no scenario where third-party voters should have been the 'tie-breaker' to begin with.

a lot of people (americans and non-americans) don't understand how the electoral college system works and in general i'd advise you to do some research before you share your take. americans you should know this anyway and don't use the excuse of "i wasn't taught" if you have tumblr then you have the internet so look it up and start reading. i don't expect non-americans to know a foreign country's voting system but if you want to share an opinion please take a bit of time to learn about it before you do. i'm tired of seeing the same dialogues by people who clearly just don't understand the actual structure of the voting system.

pointing fingers at different demographics you think are to blame is useless. if you're going to find a group to blame, then blame the majority, i.e. white men and white women. otherwise your blame is completely unhelpful and misplaced.

saying she only lost because she's a woman or a poc (or both) is also misguided. its not entirely wrong but once again you are misunderstanding some fundamentals of how extremist politicians find success, and likewise are ignoring some obvious issues re: the democratic party and their campaign strategies.

equating education to intelligence to voting preferences in general is ignorant. you are forgetting how many factors go into someone actually receiving formal education. you are forgetting how many factors go into someone's state of residence. i was going to explain this further but i think no one cares so i'm not going to bother because the explanation got too long. also, see point 1. there are plenty of very smart people who vote for trump anyway.

talking about abandoning the south or red states is pointless and if i hear or see anybody suggest such measure i am automatically assuming you are a foul person. equating democratic states to morally or inherently good and republican states to morally or inherently bad is such an unbelievably superficial and foolhardy judgement and goes against all principles of unity and community that we should be fostering at a time like this.

americans ignorant to the effect that us politics has on the world need to wake up.

i don't blame non-americans for their resentment against the sphere of influence of us politics but i wish they would be less dismissive of the genuine effects this election will also have within america.

acting as though anybody doesn't have the right to be scared about the implications of this result is shortsighted at best. my concern goes beyond my own afflictions – how can you say that concern is misplaced?

i have more but i think that's it for now bc its kind of exhausting to talk about. and i guess what's done is done. idk. i'm not hopeless at all. but i'm fearing more and more than the hope i insist on having is childish. but the alternative is complete self-destruction and i have no intention of going down that road again. so childish hope it is.

[underwaterdevil]

I saw your “Im looking for mutuals to be friends with” post and let me tell you, I have So Many Thoughts about Shigaraki

like, I feel like people don’t really think about how tragic of a character he is! I didn’t really like the way he was framed as a “man-child” because so many of his behaviors, especially relating to video games and action figures/plushies seemed like he was genuinely in so much distress that he was involuntarily age regressing and AFO was using his impaired state of mind to manipulate him into thinking he’s playing a big game of heroes and villains

I think it’s very likely that he was stuck in the mindset of a scared little kid well into his twenties and that AFO forced himself into the role of father in a way he felt that Shigaraki would think of as normal when he knew the situation Shigaraki was in.

this is also reflected in the way that Shigaraki treats Kurogiri like an older sibling, since at the time that AFO… adopted? kidnapped? Shigaraki, he was struggling with the loss of his big sister. In all likelihood, AFO started out by trying to remake Shigaraki’s family with himself as head of the family.

YES I LOVE PARAGRAPHS P L E A S E ENABLE MY SPECIAL INTEREST 🤤

a n y w a y

I totally agree with everything you said. Shigarakis character is so tragic when you get into it. Alot of people are desensitized to media because of how fucked up anime backstories can get, so i feel like Shigarakis situation isnt treated as seriously as it should be by most of the fandom.

Alot of his mannerisms and hobbies are definitely very childish and could indicate that certain things (the hands) could trigger him into a more infantile like state of mind. Thus making him more impulsive, violent, and less concerned with the consequences of his actions with concern to other peoples lives (please note im talking about early shigaraki). Alot of times children will exhibit violent behavior not out of pure malicious interests but because they're state of mind makes them more reactive. I think shigaraki gets triggerd in his everyday life and gets triggered to become violent. For example he gets incredibly violent and angry during stressful situations, more than the fellow leauge members. So there definitely could be an argument made that some part of his brain regresses when exposed to triggers OR part of his brain is less developed due to the trauma.

His interests also show he likes more socially childish things, especially when you take into consideration that hes in japan. If you look at the picture of his room in the manga we see plushes and figurines, which adults definitely collect aswell, but the ones he collects look more like action figures and not really collectable figures (thats just my opinion though) and also the plushy shows that he does have an interest in these more childish things because i kinda doubt AFO or Kurogiri bought it for him.

When people face as bad of trauma as shigaraki did (physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, killing his entire family) its not uncommon for them, purposefully or not, to regress to a younger age usually the age at which the trauma occurred. I think shigaraki, wether or not his hobbies have to do with age regression, is at a higher risk of developing this coping mechanism. He is obviously under stress alot. And he was kidnapped by AFO and groomed. Constantly under the expectation of "demon lord" and the pressure of iving up to AFOs potential. I could definitely see him locking his door getting snacks, playing games, looking at his figures and plushies, and feeling his mind slipping him into a younger mental age. But i can also see him get triggerd by any sudden movements or violence and get involuntarily put into a more regressed state of mind.

AFO definitely is trying to make a family for tomura, but not for tomuras sake. We saw that AFO loved his brother and family obviously is something he values so want to have tomura act as his child could provide him some sort of emotional satisfaction. (Along with the satisfaction of knowing his evil is working) And shigaraki definitely treats Kurogiri like an older sibling figure, i have an older sister and the way they interact reminds me of my sister and i. I think shigaraki may subconsciously replacing hana but i also think that tomura is just hanging onto the only person who has been there and provided for him (emotionally).

Sorry if this makes no sense or has mistakes im writing this as my sleeping pills are kicking in and while im watching YouTube so my mind is all over the place but nowhere at the same time lmao im just ranting aboit shigaraki putting whatever came to mind on this post. I might sit down and make an in depth and more well put together post about this ask because i think its super interesting i love tomura shigaraki so much omfg

Thank you so much for sending this ask!!!!

[littleredlie]

Derailed (S1P1)

Series Masterlist | Master Masterlist

Chicago Med x doctor!OC Morgan Fitzgerald is a doctor at Chicago Medical. On the day of Med’s reopening Morgan is in the middle of a tense situation as old friends from the past come back and form uneasy relationships with newer friends. Based off S1E1 of Chicago Med.

3.9k+ Words

Featuring: Morgan Fitzgerald, Will Halstead, Natalie Manning, April Sexton, Maggie Lockwood, Ethan Choi, Daniel Charles, Sarah Reese, Sharon Goodwin, Connor Rhodes Warning: This might be complete shit, I don’t know. I tried my hardest with the medical stuff, a lot might be inaccurate.  A/N: Let me know how you like it

The alarm clock that sat on the nightstand beside Morgan’s bed rang as it changed to 4:45 AM. At the sound, the weary woman’s eyes blink open with great difficulty. She does not move for a moment, letting the alarm to ring a bit more before slapping her hand against the off button. Pulling herself up, she peeks out the open window to her right, noticing that Chicago was slowly coming to life for the day. It was November now, she had to turn the heat in the apartment soon though her roommate has been telling her to do it since August, but it always got hot in Morgan’s room. She hears a train nearby rumbling along the tracks and she can see a light tinge of blue sitting on the horizon. She had been back in Chicago for three years, but the mornings still entranced her. When a bird flies past her window, Morgan takes it as a signal to start getting ready for work.

Turning on the lamp, her small room becomes illuminated and the picture of her sister that sat on the nightstand beside the alarm clock came into view. It was taken during Morgan’s graduation from medical school about a month before their lives changed. Tearing her eyes away from the frame, she slips the bonnet off her head and places it on the vacant pillow to her left. The bun her hair was in unwraps into a ponytail, the ends of her braids tickling her upper back. Throwing the blue covers off her bare legs, Morgan slips her feet into the slippers beside her bed and trudges towards the bathroom at the end of the hallway. However, before she could get there, she noticed a light peering out from under her roommate’s door. She stops and softly knocks, pushing the door a little without waiting for a knock.

“Did you get any sleep last night?” Morgan’s eyes sweep over Hayden’s body and she is immediately given her answer. The reporter was slumped over her desk, papers scattered over her bed and on the floor. Hayden looks up to Morgan, her glasses sitting on top of her head and bags stacking under her eyes.

“I’m about to get a huge lead about a sex trafficking group operating around Garfield Park and Humboldt. People are going missing and I know that I’m getting near, I just need –”

“What you need is rest” Morgan interrupts her leaning on the doorframe. “You cannot keep pushing this hard or your body is gonna crash”

“But–”

“No buts.” Morgan pulls the pen out of her roommate’s hand. “Get some rest please, doctor’s orders.”

“You know you cannot keep using your occupation over me, you don’t see me saying investigative reporter’s orders.” Hayden leans back in her chair, arms folding over her chest, a soft smile on her lips.

“Well, when I go chasing sex traffickers in Central Chicago than you can pull that shit.” She smiles back. “I’m gonna go get ready for work, I don’t need the car today so I’ll leave the car keys on the counter.”

“It's reopening today right? After ya know.” Hayden shrugs. That night was rough, Morgan was running on fumes before the explosion and after the lockdown she was trying her best not to tip over.

“Yeah, it’s being televised,” the doctor forces a breath out. “I hope today’s easy, cause these last few months have not. I’ll see you later.” With that Morgan closes Hayden’s bedroom door and heads to the bathroom. Soon the shower head is pushing out water and steam is beginning to fog up the mirrors. The clock in the bathroom reads 4:57 and Morgan knows that she has to hurry if she wants to make it to the hospital by 5:45. She was glad that they found this apartment not too far from the hospital that she’d been working at for the past three years. 

When a shower cap is put over her braids, the dark skinned woman puts herself under the warm water, her shoulder muscles relaxing just a little. Almost instinctively, her hand grazes over the surgical scar that was just under her belly and it lingers. Pulling her hand away she focuses on the rest of her body until she is done. She dries herself and applies lotion quickly, wanting to bring the attention to her makeup. Morgan did not do much when it came to makeup, she’d put light foundation and do her eyebrows. She decided to leave her box braids in a high bun reinforced bu two scrunchies. With a towel wrapped around her body, Morgan heads to her room to get dressed. 

Her maroon scrubs and white lab coat were folded on top of the ottoman at the end of her bed. Slipping on a pair of black boxer briefs and a black sports bra, she knew that she had no one to impress. It’s been a bit of a dry spell since she broke up with her detective ex-boyfriend last spring. It wasn’t like it bothered her much, she was busy with work and had been focusing on her family. There wasn’t time to date (and she couldn’t deny that it took a bit of time to get over him). Glancing at the clock again, she sees that it was 5:20. The train station was about five minutes away, so she had to hurry. She’ll eat when she gets to the hospital. Throwing on her sneakers, jacket, scarf, and hat, Morgan then grabs her phone and her well prepared backpack. 

A chill danced down her spine the moment she stepped outside and made her way to the train station. She waves to the lady opening the flower store to her right as her steps reverberate off the concrete steps. Putting in the headphones connected to her phone, Morgan starts an audio book, her focus only on the words of the story and her destination.

It wasn’t long till she got there, recognizing familiar commuters and passing a few smiles to those who were willing to accept. The ride was uneventful, but Morgan was not focusing on everyone else. She was either listening to the book or her mind was wondering about the day that laid out in front of her. Working in an emergency department was unpredictable, it could be a day filled with easy answers and wins or it could be tragic, long, hard, stressful. Morgan’s been at Chicago Memorial for three years, finishing her residency for emergency medicine and then accepting an attending position. After graduating from University of Colorado’s M.D. program, she decided to come back home after 11 years and applied to a few hospitals in Chicago. Chicago Memorial was her first choice and when she got it, it was like she was starting over. That was until everything happened.

The train stops at her destination and the doctor shuffles off with a few others. Briskly, she makes her way to the hospital, arriving the same time as Dr. Will Halstead. Yanking the headphones from her ears, she walks up to him and nudges him slightly, bringing a small smile to his face.

“Ready for today?” She asks him and he looks down at her, nodding slightly.

“I was so excited I couldn’t sleep last night,” Morgan laughs at his tone and he laughs with her.

“Okay, let’s just get through the day.” Together they walk through the lobby where people are beginning to set up for a press conference. In the doctor’s lounge, Will diverts his attention to Natalie while Morgan heads to her locker. She hangs up her backpack on the hook, pulls out her white coat to put on, and pulls out her purple stethoscope, stuffing it into the left pocket of her white coat. She makes sure her pager is on before stuffing it into her right coat packet.

Soon doctors, nurses, reporters, administration and more are standing in the lobby listening to Mrs. Goodwin speak praising remarks for the mayor. There are cheers and claps resonating around the room and the air is light. It isn’t like that for too long. The second Goodwin cuts the ribbon for the new emergency department, various pagers and cell phones begin to ring. Morgan looks at Dr. Choi when he pulls out his pager and soon after hers begins to ring. She pulls it out and glances down to it, her eyebrows furrowing together. She sees the Mayor being ushered off before Maggie walks out through the automatic doors.

“CFD Plan 2, mass cas. Multiple trauma patients, minutes away.” She yells. “Let’s go!” She urges and medical personnel begin to push themselves through the doors. 

         ❦

All of sudden the emergency department is busy and there are sirens nearing the hospital. Maggie immediately begins delegating as paramedics pour through from the bay. Morgan is pushed to Trauma 1. 

A young teenage girl who’s clutching her arm to her chest sits on the gurney. Morgan peers down and sees her tibia poking out of her shin and knows that the girl is in pain.

“Let’s start a morphine drip!” Dr. Fitzgerald yells out, a nurse fulfilling her orders. “Transfer on my count, gently,” everyone surrounding the girl clutches at the sheet, preparing to move her onto the treatment table. “One, two, three,” with a soft thud the girl is finally on the table.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Fitzgerald, what’s your name sweetie?”

“Grace,” she breathes out, obviously having trouble breathing. “My name’s Grace.”

“Alright Grace, we’re doing everything we can to help you.” Morgan flashes a light in front of her eyes to see her pupil’s reaction. “Pupils are reactive to light, blood pressure and sats are normal, heart rate is increasing. She’s tachy, let’s push 3 of Ativan.” The room moves around Morgan as they tend to the patient who is crying in front of her. Morgan puts a nasal cannula on Grace’s face so that she could breathe easier. 

Moving to her head, Morgan takes off the collar and looks down. “Grace, I need you to do something for me real quick, okay?” Morgan nods and places her hands to each side of Grace’s head. “Alright, can you touch your chin to the chest?” Grace does so and Morgan then has her move her head side to side. “C-Spine’s clear. Doris, get me Xray and Ortho down here.”

“On it!” Doris leaves the room momentarily, before returning back to help. Morgan walks down to Grace’s feet and checks it’s pulse. 

“Need any help in here?” Dr. Halstead’s voice comes up from behind Morgan and she gives out a sigh of relief.

“Dr. Halstead, I need you to help me reset her tibia before it leads to any deficits.” She says to him, not taking her eyes off of Grace. “Where the hell is that xray?!”

“Should be here momentarily, they’re all used up,” Will heads to the side of Grace’s right leg and nods to Morgan.

“Hey Grace, this is going to hurt a lot, but we need to do this, okay?” Grace goes into panic mode and starts shaking her head, tears ferociously gliding down her face. 

“No, please no!”

“Grace, I understand how you might feel right now, but Dr. Halstead and I need to do this. I promise, it’ll take just a few seconds and then we can fix you up.” Without waiting for confirmation from the teenage girl, Morgan nods towards her colleague and together they work. Morgan pulls down on Grace’s leg, maneuvering the tibia back into her leg. Grace lets out a scream, tears moving down her face at a faster rate. “Alright, Grace, we’re all good now.” Xray finally walks in and everyone who is void of a lead apron, moves out of the way.

In the background Maggie reports another incoming, and it pulls the attention of the two doctors. “You got this from here?” Will looks down, aiming the question at Morgan.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. I’ll be there to help you when I get Grace up to the OR.” She nods and he places a gentle hand on her arm, her replying with a soft smile. Will walks away from her and she turns back to her patient. Morgan and Doris work on calming her down and prepping her for her trip upstairs. 

“What do you got for me?” Someone from surgery walks up behind Morgan, slightly starting her.

“She has an open fracture to her tibia, we cleaned the wound and maneuvered the bone back into her leg. Her arm has a closed fracture, due to her Xray I’d say she just needs a cast. Her leg, she’s definitely going to need surgery for realignment.” The surgeon, Dr. Lasonde, nods and both she and Morgan work to get Grace upstairs.

Soon Grace is on her way upstairs, her leg and arm placed into splints, and Morgan is throwing her gloves to the ground as she watches Lassonde push the gurney, a frightened Grace on top of it. Running a hand through her hair and giving a sigh out, she thanks the team around her before being rerouted to another person coming through the doors. 

          ❦

Later, as she works at the computer filling out paperwork for Grace, Morgan peers up and notices someone stepping out of Trauma 4 and talking to Mrs. Goodwin.

Connor?

Before Morgan can approach him another team of paramedics walk in with Jamie and Goodwin sends them into a treatment room. Morgan looks down and finishes typing up her charts. “Hey Sharon!” Morgan yells to grab the administrator’s attention and she stops, stepping  beside the curious doctor. “Was that Connor Rhodes?”

“Yeah, he’s the new trauma fellow. You know him?” She looks between the room he stepped in and Dr. Fitzgerald.

“Yeah, I do.” She says absentmindedly, “ Huh, I wonder why he didn’t tell me?” Morgan wonders for a moment before looking back down to the computer screen. “It’s fine, I don’t want to bother him while he’s with a patient.”

“I don’t have to worry about anything do I?” Sharon asks, hoping that drama wasn’t gonna arise between them.

“Oh, of course not! Connor and I have known each other since we were kids, he just didn’t tell me he was being transferred here. Don’t worry Sharon.” Goodwin nods and walks away from Morgan. Then Maggie walks up with a distraught, older white woman. “What can I do for you Mags?” MOrgan finally turns away from the computer and gives the duo her full attention.

“Dr. Fitzgerald, this is Grace’s mom, Candace.” Maggier introduces and Morgan smiles at the woman, holding out a hand for a handshake.

“Is my daughter okay?” Candace asks, fear in her eyes and Morgan does her best to calm her down.

“I can assure you that your daughter is okay. She had a closed fracture in her arm that just needed a cast and her leg had an open fracture. That’s a little more complicated, but she just needs her tibia realigned so she’s in surgery.”

“Surgery?”

“It shouldn’t be too long now, and I am willing to walk you up to wait for her.” Morgan places a gentle touch on Candace’s forearm and beckons her to follow. “Thank you, Maggie. I got her.” Maggie nods and continues her job as a charge nurse. 

As the doctor and patient make their way, Candace begins to ramble. “Grace wasn’t supposed to be on the train today, I was supposed to take her. This is all my fault.”

“Candace. Candace.” Morgan pulls the woman to a stop and looks her in the eye. “It is not your fault, these things just happen. But that’s not what Grace is worried about right now, I’m pretty sure that she just wants to see her mother.” Candace sniffles and reluctantly nods, letting the doctor take her to the waiting room outside Grace’s OR.

          ❦

After doing a few more rounds in the emergency department, Morgan sat herself in the doctor’s lounge, still not able to find time to talk to Connor. Morgan isn’t paying attention to the conversation happening between Natalie and Will, instead focusing on the charts of another one of her patients on the tablet in her hands. 

“You meet the new guy yet? Rhodes?” At her friend’s name leaving Natalie’s lips, Morgan’s head snaps up.

“You could say that.” Will answers back. “Likes to throw his weight around.” He leans back in his chair, his body still facing Natalie. “I don’t know, strikes me as a little arrogant.”

Natalie gives him a little look as she contemplates the words he just said to her. 

“Hey, I am not arrogant.” He scoffs at her, a teasing smile on his face. Morgan rolls her eyes and feels herself getting a little defensive over her old friend.

“No, no. Not at all.” Natalie says, sarcastically, to his remarks. “You just happen to know more than anyone else.” 

“Hey,” Morgan grasps the attention of her friends and colleagues. “I promise Connor isn’t always like that. It was just a stressful situation to be making introductions.” She  says, barely looking up to her colleagues.

“Woah, Connor?” Will questions at the familiarity that Morgan had with his name. He glances at her, waiting for an answer.

“Yeah, Dr. Rhodes. He’s an excellent doctor and he’s great to work with.”

“Have you ever worked with him?” Natalie asks, taking another sip from her water bottle.

“No, I haven’t. But I know him and I promise, he isn’t a dick.” With that Morgan makes her way out of the room, she smiles at Nat and doesn’t spare a look at Will.

          ❦

A few hours later,  Morgan makes her way up to see Grace. She’s up and talking to her mom, a smile on her face.  Morgan knocks at the entrance of the recovery room, peering her head in to take a view at her patient.

“Dr. Fitzgerald!” Candace exclaims, waving the young doctor in. 

“How’s everything going Grace? You look a lot better than when I first saw you.” Morgan glances over her vitals and chart before walking to the unoccupied side of the bed.

“Yeah, I’m doing better. The pain meds are really helping out.” She grins.

“That’s good. It looks like you’re okay for being discharged tomorrow morning. And I will try my hardest to come by and see you off.”

“Thank you Dr. Fitzgerald.” Candace reaches over and clasps Morgan’s hand. “For helping my daughter and for helping me.”

“It’s no problem, really.” She squeezes back before pulling away. “You two have a good night, and just let any of the nurses know if you need anything.” With that Morgan delivers one more smile and heads out of the room.

Now that it was the end of her shift Morgan decided to make finding Connor her number one goal.. She was ready to give up but finally spotted him standing outside a recovery room. She sneaks up beside him and peers in, Jamie is off of the ventilator and Dr. Charles sits beside him watching something on a tablet. Morgan had heard about the operation Jamie had and she could tell that he looked so much better.

“So, when were you gonna tell me that you were coming back to Chicago?” Connor jumps, whipping around to look at the owner of the voice.

“Morgan!” He chuckles out, pulling the doctor into his embrace. She hugs him back before pulling herself out and raising an eyebrow at him.

“So, were you just going to end up on our front doorstep hoping we were gonna take you in?” 

“No, I was going to surprise you. I just wanted to come back, ya know?”

“Yeah, I do. Welcome home Connor.” She gives him a small smile, looking at the one he was returning to her. “Hey, I heard about your comatose patient, sorry about that.”

“Yeah, it was tough, but he helped us save Jamie.”

“That’s good, Jamie’s a good kid. He deserves it.” They both look inside the room for a moment, before Morgan looks down at the watch sitting on her wrist. “Hey, there’s this diner that’s open 24 hours, wanna grab something to eat? Catch up and give you a bit of a rundown on how things are run here at Chicago Med.” 

Connor looks down at Morgan, her head still facing Jamie and Dr. Charles. “Yeah, sure. You buying?” She finally looks up at him with a scoff.

“Yeah right.” The fellow laughs at her and she leads him back to the doctor’s lounge in the ED. Stripping herself of her stethoscope, she places it in the locker, taking a glance of the family picture she had pinned up alongside the picture she had with Connor from her undergrad graduation.

“You hang that up in here?” He gawks at the picture, noticing how much the two of you had grown in the last 7 years.

“Yeah, I did. You are my best friend, besides Hayden of course.” Morgan hangs up the white coat on a hook in the cubby under the locker before continuing her answer,“but even when we were miles apart, you were always there for me.” She softly closes the locker.

“Huh.” He looks at Morgan, coming to the same realization about her.

“Let’s go, I am dying for their mashed potatoes.” He smiles and grabs his belongings before heading out of the lounge with his friend. On the way out the door, they pass Will.

She urges Connor to continue walking as she looks up at her other friend. “Hey Will, I’m sorry for getting all snappy at you earlier. Just got a little overprotective.” Morgan shrugs, placing her hands in her jacket pocket.

“It’s alright, I understand. I’m sorry for putting you in that position.” He nods, looking over the soft smile on her face. 

“You’re okay, Connor has his moments.” 

Will and Morgan were an enigma. They worked well together, everyone could agree on that. And outside of work, they proved to have a level of care for each other as well as always having each other’s backs. With the amount of affection they always seemed to portray to each other, everyone also wondered why they weren’t together. They made a good pair and the blinded love they had for each other was glaringly apparent to outsiders. The two doctors however, never saw it. Will was too hung up on his crush on Natalie and Morgan wasn’t looking for a relationship (the fact that she also dated his brother didn’t help). For now, they would be friends and if the universe allowed for something to happen, the universe would prevail.

“Want to grab something to eat?” Will asks, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his scrubs.

“Actually, I’m the welcoming committee for Dr. Rhodes so I’m taking him to the diner up the street.” Will nods, but dashes his eyes to where Connor is standing. “But tomorrow morning, I’m bringing coffee.” Morgan says, bringing a bigger smile on her face and chuckle to Will.

“Alright then, have a good night Morgan,” he says.

“Night Will, see you tomorrow.” She gives him a quick, small pat on his arm before turning away and walking up to Connor. They two old friends resume their conversation and Will watches the smile on Morgan’s face as she continues walking with the new doctor.

Part Two

[annerbhp]

So I'm reading chapter 5 of the changling. Wouldn't be sooooo funny if like Ginny went to find Ron to congratulate him. But overheard hermione talking about Felix felicies and like Harry sees her listening and they just argue in front of everyone. Cause Harry's gets her fired up everyone hears about the liquid luck. It turns into a ass whole situation

Look what you made me do. I futzed with the original HPB scene a bit to fit Ginny in, but I hope you’ll allow me that. :) Not so much a missing scene from The Changeling as much as a ‘well that would have gone a bit different if that happened’. Off the cuff and un-beta’d. Enjoy!

Lucky

Having said goodbye to Fred and George, commiserated with her team over the loss, and had a quick shower and change, Ginny can no longer put off congratulating Ron on his win. And his frankly surprisingly impressive show as Keeper. She’s only a little mad at him for that.

She could probably wait until morning, but she figures if she goes now, Ron will probably be so distracted that he won’t be a complete git about the whole thing. And then she won’t have to deal with it tomorrow.

And so she climbs the stairs towards Gryffindor Tower, the noise only getting louder and louder as she gets closer, and those prats are either even louder than normal or they’ve spilled out of their common room into the halls. How they get away with half of the stunts they pull off, she will never know.

She’s finally in sight of the round portrait hole when it swings open, Harry stepping out into the hall, or being shoved rather, by an irate-looking Hermione. Her cheeks are flushed as she hisses something at Harry, but it’s not until the portrait hole closes behind them that she can make out any of the words.

“--you shouldn’t have done that, Harry! It’s illegal!”

Harry looks equally annoyed, face still a bit red and flush with victory, hair a wild mess. “Done what exactly?” he says in a tone seemingly perfectly designed to nettle Hermione.

“I saw you do it, Harry! I saw you put felix felicis in Ron’s pumpkin juice this morning!” 

Ginny freezes, feeling like she’s just taken a quaffle to the solar plexus.

But rather than denying it, Harry just lets out a bark of laughter, turning around to face Hermione, but stopping as his eyes fall on Ginny standing motionless on the stairs. “Ginny,” he says, his face seeming to pale.

She turns on her heel, heading back down the stairs. Her head should be a riot of thoughts, of cheating and filthy rotten Gryffindor hyprocrites, and how awful Harry must think Ron is to do something like that, to his best sodding friend, and all the ways she is going to get back at them for this. For taking a victory from her like that after how hard she’s worked. How hard her team has worked.

But instead all she feels is this sickly swooping feeling in her stomach like she’s swallowed a writhing ocean, like gravity dragging her down roughly. It feels way, way, way too familiar, and she hates it.

You fool.

“Ginny, wait!” Harry calls out after her, his feet pounding down the stairs as he follows her.

Somehow she manages to speak, still not looking back at him as she continues down the stairs. “Don’t worry. I’m not a tattler, remember?”

Tomorrow, when she has a calmer head, that is when she’ll decide exactly how to respond. Because she is going to do something about this. Oh, yes, she is. But telling Madam Hooch or McGonagall is not on her list.

“That’s not--” Harry sputters, still following her.

“I should have known you weren’t just being that helpful,” she says, more mad at herself for actually trusting, for actually believing--but she should know better than that. That he believed she could be a good captain, that he really wanted to help, when all along he was never going to give her a fair chance to try to prove it. “What an idiot I am.”

“Would you just stop?” Harry says, grabbing her arm.

Ginny spins around, pulling her wand, feeling red hot rage surge through her body, and she tells herself that is what is causing the humiliating prick of tears in her eyes. She is better than this, better than letting her temper push her into mindless, reactive revenge.

Harry’s eyes dart to her wand and back up to her face, but he doesn’t back away either, or look scared, and why can’t he find her terrifying at least once when it would be most convenient?

“I didn’t do it,” he says, slightly out of breath. Over his shoulder, Ginny can see that Hermione has followed them, looking between them with wide eyes.

“Oh, really,” Ginny says, not putting away her wand.

“I saw you do it, Harry,” Hermione says, apparently not above throwing him to the wolves.

“You think you did,” Harry says, shooting an annoyed glare back at her. “And so did Ron. That was the whole bloody point.”

Hermione frowns. “I don’t understand.”

But Harry doesn’t seem all that concerned with her understanding, turning back to Ginny. “Just let me show you,” he says, hand reaching into his pocket.

He pulls out a small glass vial full of golden liquid. He offers it, palm held out to Ginny.

“Take it,” he says, shoving it closer.

Stowing her wand, she reaches out and picks it up. It’s very obviously still sealed and full of liquid.

“I just...wanted Ron to stop stressing out so much for once, so he could see how good he is all on his own when he’s not being completely mental.”

Realization slowly dawns. “So you pretended to put it in when you knew he was watching,” Ginny says. 

“Yeah.”

A perfectly executed gambit.

“Oh, Harry,” Hermione says, looking miserable and wringing her hands. “I’m sorry.” Ginny supposes she had threatened to go to McGonagall.

Harry doesn’t look at Hermione, still waiting for Ginny’s response. Only she isn’t at all sure what she feels.

Ginny swallows to clear her throat. “You’d better tell Ron. Or he’ll just end up feeling even worse about himself.” She looks over at Hermione, finding that easier to do at the moment. “I came to tell him congratulations.” 

Hermione nods. “I’ll go get him, okay? Okay, Harry?”

She waits for him to nod his agreement, and with that, she turns, heading back up.

Ginny is left standing on the stairs with Harry, still feeling like an idiot, but maybe for an entirely different reason now. She hadn’t been wrong to be mad, when she thought it was true. To be mad at him for cheating.

Though that didn’t explain the yawning feeling of betrayal that had more to do with it being Harry who had done it than anything else.

For lack of anything else to do, she starts walking back towards the Gryffindor Common Room.

Harry lets out a breath of what sounds like relief. Probably that she isn’t threatening to hex him anymore.

"I’m sorry,” he says, walking up next to her.

She shakes her head. “Clearly you didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have--” She stops, not really sure what she shouldn’t have done. Jumped to conclusions? Been stupid enough to trust someone in the first place?

“I know how hard you’ve worked,” he says. “And you nearly got us as it was--”

She lifts her hand. “Let’s not with the platitudes right now.” The loss is still too raw.

“It’s not a--” He breaks off as Hermione comes darting past them down the stairs.

Ginny barely catches a glimpse of her face beneath the riot of bushy hair framing her face, but it’s enough to see the tears in her eyes.

“Hermione?” she asks.

She doesn’t stop or respond, Ginny sharing a worried glance with Harry. They both turn to look towards the open doorway just in time to see Ron wrapped around Lavender Brown in the middle of the common room, their faces stuck together. The door swings shut.

Harry has a bemused look of shock on his face at seeing his best mate sucking face with one of his housemates, only then he looks down the stairs after Hermione. “Oh, bollocks,” he says.

Oh, bollocks, indeed. Stupid, stupid Ron. “You’d better go after her,” Ginny says. She and Hermione are not all that close, besides which, a Weasley is probably the last thing she wants to see right now.

“Yeah,” Harry says, sounding pained. He starts down the stairs only to pause, looking back up at her. “Ginny.”

“Yeah?” she asks, prepared for him to try to pawn the unsavory task off on her.

His hand bumps against the railing. “I meant it, you know. I really did want to help.”

“Oh,” Ginny says, feeling warmth working up her neck as she realizes what she’d said earlier in her agitation. “It’s fine.”

He opens his mouth, like he wants to say more but isn’t really sure what to, or doesn’t have time to. He glances back down the stairs, looking cross and torn.

“Harry,” she says. “Just go. We can talk later.” Or hopefully just forget all about it.

He seems to perk up at this. “Can we?”

“Of course,” she says, her stomach feeling a bit funny at the thought.  

He grins. “Okay. I’ll come find you. Tomorrow?”

Ginny hadn’t been expecting something so certain, or so soon. “Sure,” she says, feeling her heart pounding a little too strongly in her chest. “Tomorrow.”

“Great,” he says, nodding with a wide grin on his face. “Excellent.”

She’s beginning to feel a little like an emotional whirlwind at this point, finding herself rolling her eyes at him as he keeps standing there, but also with an answering smile on her face. “Harry.”

“Yeah?”

She points down the stairs. “Hermione?”

“Right. Bollocks. Gotta go.” And with that, he turns, finally thundering down the stairs in search of a heart-broken Hermione.

In a bit of a daze, Ginny wanders her way back down to her common room, trying not to think too hard on what tomorrow might bring.

[nblenasabrewing]

Does Lena have PTSD?

This excellent post from @drummergirl231-2 goes into a detailed analysis about Della and the examples showing possible PTSD. I, being who I am, wanted to look at the same for Lena. Full credit goes to them for the idea and format!

According to the DSM-5, in order for a person to be diagnosed with PTSD, they must have a certain number of symptoms from eight categories: Criteria A through H.

For a diagnosis of PTSD, someone needs: to meet Criterion A to have at least 1 symptom from Criterion B to have at least 1 symptom from Criterion C to have at least 2 symptoms from Criterion D to have at least 2 Symptoms from Criterion E to meet Criteria F, G, and H

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional. I do NOT have a degree in anything related to psychology and simply enjoy dissecting the layers of a fictional character. If you feel you fit any of the criteria, please see a professional for a real diagnosis. This isn’t something that can be easily self-diagnosed, and a professional diagnosis would open you to more opportunities for help.

Lena does and doesn’t fit the criteria in general for PTSD. She’s certainly suffered from traumatic events, but the event is more... her entire life. She’s a classic child abuse victim, which makes her more of a candidate for C-PTSD. 

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape. Being stuck with Magica for fifteen years absolutely contributes to Lena’s current issues. C-PTSD and PTSD share similarities, there are a distinct differences - mainly that PTSD focuses on one event and the effect it has on a person long term, while C-PTSD focuses on years of repeated trauma. However, there’s no approved criterion yet for C-PTSD. So I’m using the PTSD criterion with some added explanation where C-PTSD would be applicable. 

Criterion A: The traumatic event

A person must be exposed to one or more events involving threatened or actual death, threatened or actual serious injury, or threatened or actual sexual violation in one of the following ways:

Direct involvement

Witnessing the event happen to someone else

Hearing about it happen to a loved one

Repeatedly hearing details about traumatic events, such as police officers repeatedly hearing stories of abuse

The obvious example here: Lena effectively died. Twice. Following that, she was trapped in a realm where she couldn’t be seen or heard by anyone and she couldn’t touch anything for six months (give or take). Her first interaction with anything since she had been trapped there was smacking the Boggle case in Friendship Hates Magic! And even she’s surprised by that.

In addition, she spent fifteen years with Magica in her shadow, who effectively acted as an abusive parental figure. She’s proven to be an expert in gaslighting, and knows exactly how to manipulate Lena - by hanging the promise of freedom over her head and reminding her repeatedly that people will think she’s a monster if they find out the truth about her.

Criterion B: Intrusive Symptoms

Expected or unexpected reoccurring, involuntary, and intrusive upsetting memories

Repeated nightmares related to the traumatic event

Some form of dissociation, such as flashbacks, where the individual truly feels the traumatic event is happening again

Strong emotional distress when exposed to internal or external triggers associated with the traumatic event

Strong bodily reactions (such as rapid heart rate) when exposed to reminders of the traumatic event.

Nightmares: While we can’t say for absolute sure that Lena has nightmares outside of Magica’s influence via the helmet in NOKH, the fact that no one is surprised by her nightmares does seem to imply that’s she probably had more than she’s letting on. Lena’s biggest fear is turning into Magica, after all - it’s no surprise she would have dreams along that line.

Emotional distress, strong bodily reactions: These really come out in Violet’s library, when Lena gets overwhelmed and tries to hide. The fish-eye view of everyone trying to talk to her while she sees Magica over their shoulders was most likely meant to imply she was having at least the start of a panic attack.

In addition, her reaction to Webby calling her (looking like Magica) a monster was pretty extreme. Again, the dream world setting makes things a bit wobbly, but given everything we know about Lena up to this point, and the fact that she yelled at Magica for saying they’re both monsters, it feels safe to assume she’d be angry and upset and scared if anyone ever called her a monster (again, something Magica constantly used against her.)

Criterion C: Avoidance

An individual with PTSD will frequently avoid reminders of the traumatic event in one of the following ways:

Avoiding thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations that trigger memories of the traumatic event

Avoiding people, places, conversations, activities, objects, or situations that bring up memories of the traumatic event

Whether the nightmares were caused by Magica or not, their effect on Lena is real and pretty easy to see. She sets up an entire sleepover just so the kids can help keep her awake. Avoiding sleep to avoid nightmares is pretty extreme.

She also continues to keep secrets from everyone despite Webby’s constant reassurances that they all care about her and don’t think she’s anything like Magica, because the alternative is having to talk about it or worse, have her fears confirmed.

Criterion D: Negative changes in thoughts and mood

The inability to remember important details of the traumatic event

Persistent and elevated negative thoughts about oneself, others, or the world

Exaggerated self-blame or blame of others for the cause or consequence of the traumatic event

Pervasive negative emotional state (anger, fear, shame, etc.)

Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities

Feeling isolated or detached from others

Difficulty experiencing positive emotions

Lena’s opinion of herself seems to be pretty low. We only get one episode to really see it, but her fear of turning into Magica and active attempts to avoid such an outcome definitely make it seem like she still considers herself “evil”, and is trying to make up for it. She also readily gives in and says, “I am her”, essentially giving up on herself.

The dream adventures also excellently illustrate how Lena feels “Othered” from everyone else - they get butterfly wings, she gets weird monster wings. She falls behind at Dewey High and is separated from the others. She’s the only one in Louie’s dream, aside from Louie himself, to experience any sort of physical change. Even when she tries to be happy with them, she can’t keep up the facade.

And before all of this there’s the classic example of her being jealous of Violet (under the guise of protecting Webby from being tricked again). She immediately assumes the worst of Violet and follows Webby around telling her not to trust Violet.

Criterion E: Alterations in reactivity that started or worsened after the traumatic event

Irritability or aggressive behavior

Impulsive or self-destructive behavior

Hypervigilance (feeling constantly on-guard, or like danger is lurking around every corner)

Heightened startle response

Problems with concentration

Sleep disturbances, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless sleep

Lena’s personality in season one was mostly that of the sarcastic, irritating cool teenager who can’t be bothered. Under that, she was an unwilling slave to Magica, and while she did show irritable tendencies toward her, those can be forgiven as “Magica is terrible and provokes her.”

Season two, on the other hand, shows us a much different teenager - one who snaps easily and seems constantly frustrated by her own perceived shortcomings. Those emotions, of course, come out on the other kids (i.e. snapping at Huey and Violet). And while all of that can be attributed to her inability to sleep, which is being driven by Magica, Frank’s already said this isn’t the last we’ll see of Lena’s emotoinal growth and negative feelings.

Criterion F: The above symptoms must last for more than one month.

Obviously time is relative in Ducktales. Given everything that was going on around them, we can assume she’s been home for around a month-ish. Donald left for a month-long cruise two episodes before Lena came back, and everything after that has to have taken place within that month or it would have been way too obvious something was up. And again, Frank has said this is going to come up again. But even while she was still in the Shadow Realm, she was showing signs of trauma.

Criterion G: Distress from symptoms significantly impairs the individual’s ability to function in multiple areas of life (social, occupational, etc.).

While we haven’t seen much of Lena’s daily life, we do know a few things - before returning, she was living in Webby’s shadow, presumably following her around and getting comfortable in her shadow-y life. Violet throws a complete monkey wrench into that comfortable life, and Lena reacts... poorly, to say the least. She initially refuses to take responsibility for the tulpas feeding off her own negative feelings, continuing to project all the reasons she hates herself onto Violet (”She’s a spy, she’s a second-rate me,” etc.).

In NoKH we see that the triplets aren’t quite used to the fun, happy persona Lena tries to project, which immediately gets a frustrated yell and fire flaring up. She’s so worried about trying to be Good that her anxiety bubbles over into her life. She’s also constantly keeping secrets, something that is, unfortunately, normal for her, but not normal overall.

Criterion H: The symptoms are not due to substance abuse, medication side-effects, or another condition.

So the real issue comes in here - while there’s no medication or substance abuse, there is an outside force. Most of what we see of Lena’s symptoms are due to increasing sleep deprivation via Magica’s brainwave helmet. By the time NoKH starts she’s already gone at least several days without sleep, and it’s obvious the dreams are deeply affecting to her, to a point where she arranges an entire sleepover with her friends just to keep from going to sleep. There’s no way to know what she was dreaming about (although I have a few theories), but it almost certainly involved Magica, the main cause of her trauma. And we see how understandably upset she gets when she’s finally face to face with Magica.

In conclusion:

Lena is a complicated character with a lot of different factors playing into who she is, but there’s little doubt that after fifteen years of emotional/psychological abuse, two deaths, and six months trapped in what could almost be summarized as an isolation chamber, that Lena has some serious trauma. And while Magica influenced a lot of NOKH, it should also be noted that Magica, as her abuser, most likely acts as her trigger now. She spends the entire dream sequence running away from Magica, terrified to confront her. And while she has an amazing, empowering moment at the end of the episode, I’m sure this is going to come back up again.

(***All GIFs by me)

[drmyler]

Kafka - Psychoanalysis

Kafka, Metamorphosis a Psychoanalytical View

 by

 Dr Stephen F Myler PhD

 Abstract:

 Franz Kafka in 1916 wrote a short novella called Metamorphosis (1. Bantam Edition 2004) a book of immense psychological and insightful nightmare into the human condition. Here we will exam Kafka's masterpiece from a psychoanalytical perspective to see that this work was an insightful self examination of depression, mental health and the role of carers when love turns to loathing. To begin our journey for the non-reader of this famous text we will give a brief outline and then turn to the specific role of psychoanalytic insight from Freudian to Burns and beyond.

 Introduction:

 Kafka was born in 1883 a middle class Jewish boy, introverted, shy and inadequate, believed to be a result of a critical father, (2. Letter to his Father 1919) he was later educated in Prague in a German University however he went on in his spare time to write many works of outstanding literature. Here we are not going to delve into detailed life but satisfy ourselves with a small picture of the man as writer. Kafka was very driven and wrote daily through the night with a dedicated passion. Today he might be seen as OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Behaviour) prone to perfectionism. It is his perfectionist emotional driver that made his literature something very special.

 Kafka wrote Metamorphosis in 1916 as a short novella about a young man who was the stalwart of the family, supporting an out of work critical father, a doting mother and childlike sister, in which our hero, Gregor Samsa was not popular at work and under daily stress of travel and deadlines to meet for which he felt a losing battle. In the beginning of the book he awakes from a troubling dream to find he has in fact turned into an ugly giant beetle his mind trapped in an alien body. From this beginning Gregor begins to explore his new limitations and narrow world view, his sight becomes dim, he cannot move without constant pain and great effort. His family are dependent on Gregor going to work, earning their keep and supporting their needs when suddenly he cannot no longer act in this role. His father is disgusted, his mother stricken and his younger sister while becoming his carer is repulsed by this new version of her brother. As time passes and he does not return to his old self – the family must make new plans to survive and now see him as their burden (roles reversed). In the beginning Gregor thought this was just a temporary situation that would soon pass and he would re-uptake his old life and continue forward. However in the end there is no solution and suffers a lonely eventual death.

 In writing the following psychoanalytical analysis I have not read the many introductions, essays and critical insights of other writers. This was purposefully done to avoid contamination of my thinking process in treating Gregor as my patient in a psychoanalytical setting. I did not want to have the bias of others opinions to my way of seeing the text as the only evidence of the patients mental health problem.

 The Patient:

 Like any new psychological patient to the clinic a first one hour session would be usually conducted in two parts – the first – why have you come to see me? The second the clients ability to vent (tell their story in their own words) and so set the scene for further sessions. Lets imagine Gregor's typical answer to why have you come here.

 Gregory: My family is very dependent on me to support them but lately I have been feeling very stressed by work and home alike. I had a very bad dream a few weeks ago and woke up in a deluded state in which I found it impossible to get our of bed. I just felt overwhelmed with exhaustion and the loss of will to keep going on with my miserable life. It was like I was some ugly bug that everyone despised and yet took for granted. All they want to do is squash my passion for life and replace it with their needs.

 Psychoanalyst: It sounds very much as if you are stressed and reached what me might call a point of exhaustion – this means your energy has been depleted both physically and mentally. So to summarise – you are depressed right now from the burden of work and a non-supportive family environment and you feel you have given up trying to be the one who supports everyone else?

 Gregory: Yes, it is like I was a donkey with burden I could no longer carry.

 Psychoanalyst: Tell me a little of your background? (second part - venting)

 Gregory: I have a very critical, controlling father who tries to dominate the household, however he is unemployed right now and his health has deteriorated through becoming lazy and irritable. My mother cowers  to him and goes along with his demands even when unreasonable, I have a younger sister – she is just finishing her education but has not found any real outlet for her abilities just yet, she is kind and sweet but very nieve about the world at large. At work my supervisor while pleasant enough but he is also under pressure from our boss who like my father is controlling and micro manages our every move. This means you feel you are being scrutinized constantly and found lacking. I have to travel a lot for my work and often come home late and exhausted but then am expected to be there for the family as the main stay of their comforts. I do not have time for relationships and I am probably not a very good catch for any girl who might have any interest in  me beyond the obvious. At home things have changed now that I have been fired and lost my income. My sister has started to care for me more and tries constantly to rescue me from my mood swings, however my mother has just fell apart and cries insistently about her poor boy yet shy away from actually helping me. As for my father he is even more disgusted by me than ever as I forced him to go out and find work, he even took in some lodgers to help make ends meet and so the burden has passed to my mother and sister to keep the household clean and fed. We have had some cooks and cleaners but they have mostly left because they refuse to have anything to do with me. I cannot really think of much else to tell you – but at least I feel I managed to get it all out.

 Psychoanalyst: I think that gives me quite a lot to think about Gregor and you have been very clear and systematic in the way you have explained the background. Tell me how are you actually feeling right now?

 Gregory: A little relieved to have finally explained myself and someone listened without a sneer on their face or laughing at me. Thank you for that. In general I know that everyday I feel sad and tired by life – I just want to lay down and sleep – that somehow when I wake up everything will be normal again – that I can function and have some sort of life.

 Psychoanalyst: Well we have had our time today Gregor, an hour can pass very quickly the first visit. I hope to see you are least once a week for an hour, in the meantime I have a little homework exercise for you to complete for me. A one page biography of your family, where you grew up, your education, relationships and the current here and now situation. I know you have told me some of this already but it will help save some time in sessions by having a short version of your life so far. Please send to me via email before our next session so that I can read and analyse the content before you come. Here is my card and details. If at anytime you feel you are in crisis and need me – please call for an earlier appointment.

 Gregory: Thank you Doctor, I will see you same time next week.

 Psychoanalytical Analysis of the First Session:

 For insurance purposes the analyst is forced to write a psychiatric number and diagnosis. This labelling is not a reflection of the true nature of the mental health problem but merely a forced situation in order to get paid. In Gregor's case – Clinical Depression DSM V 296.3.

 In reality a psychological outcome may have been Reactive Depression to stress at both home and work leading to a lack of everyday cognitive functioning in both thought and behaviour.

 Clearly in this case – depression is the key element from signs of mental exhaustion, a sense of hopelessness and helplessness from the role reversal of stalwart breadwinner to helpless victim in need of rescuing by his sister in particular – the constant disappointment to both his parents and rejection of his work colleagues. At his stage we do not have enough data to surmise the underlying unconscious drives that might be fueling his depressive state other than the external pressures of family and work. In further sessions the need will be met from a more in depth scrutinizing of his emotional world and inner conflicts. He clearly feels alone in his burden although the sister is obviously doing her mother's duty of care. The client mentioned a bad dream – this can be further pursued for unconscious motivations.

 Further Sessions:

 Over 20 or more sessions – Gregor's analogy of being an ugly beetle are further explored and his relationships with both family and work – more importantly his feelings about himself and his depressive state. It also became clear that his family were now neglecting his everyday needs for nutritious food, care and comfort. They in fact have become physically violent towards him causing him to further withdraw into his delusional world where he feels he is nothing more than an ugly beetle that should be stamped upon. Risk of suicide has now become evident in his demeanour. His appearance shows he is not looking after his ablutions, clothing is dirty and unkempt and he has lost considerable weight. He was also becoming lethargic in that he no longer cared what happened to him as long as this constant pain would cease (pain being mental anguish). His sister although dutiful in looking after him has lost heart in him getting better and so now only is a functional caregiver as opposed to a empathetic one. His biography homework showed that his father was not only controlling but bitter in that he lost a business owing considerable money to Gregor's employer who now expected him to pay off his fathers debts through a reduced salary for his own work putting considerable burden on him to support the family at home. The mother was ashamed of the home situation and was too weak to stand up to her husband in any matters of  economy or otherwise. The sister was in the past spoiled and now resented her reduced situation and blamed Gregor for being sick. Again adding to his feelings of alienation and being alone.

 Sadly Gregor died after the end of the sessions from self-neglect – basically willing his life to cease as he saw no longer any purpose to it. His father had found new employment, the mother felt relieved to see her son no longer in this life suffering and the sister finally felt free of her own burden that being her brother. While psychoanalysis would have hoped for a different outcome – the book itself determined the ending that we have to accept.

 Conclusion:

 While Franz Kafka meant his novella of Metamorphosis to be a comic tragedy of a wasted life it springs out at any educated reader in the art of psychoanalysis as a perfect example of chronic depression and futility. Those in this delusional state often contemplate suicide although mostly via ideation (I think it but don't), however self neglect is very common trait that leads to slow death from a lack of self care. When you have a non-supportive family, where their needs are being thwarted by your mental state – then further rejection can cause a spiralling effect of deeper resentment about your own part in the downfall of your mind. Many depressives play victim (3. Berne 1960's) inviting others to rescue them – when in fact they need to rescue themselves – but in the end they become their own persecutor and further victimize themselves to that bitter ending of death.

 In real life via treatment for depression a sense of purpose is sought from the client in that he can see a new fresh change to his circumstances despite the battle of a non-supportive family and hostile work environment that is all to common in today's economy. In Gregor's case over time he would have explored his past traumas and realized the underlying demons that led to his lack of self assurance and efficacy to find a new solution to his mood.

 Summery:

 This paper was an exercise in psychoanalysis from a famous work of literature and reflects the art of the analyst who tries to understand the underlying concepts of the unconscious mind in creating monsters from our own imagination to battle with when we reach that point of exhaustion both physically and mentally called – depression.

 References:

 1.      Kafka F. 1915 – Metamorphosis �� Bantam Edition 2004

2.      Kafka F. 1919 – Letter to his Father – Bantam Ed 2004

3.      Bernes E. 1960's – Transactional Analysis – various volumes.

[straincounsel]

COVID19 March29th Governor Cuomo

Today's Star Video Casts ... Leader Governor Cuomo (New York State) Discusses  COVID19 and preparing health, policy and legal systems in New York City/State.... using  and explaining terms such as planning forward, rate of density, rate of spread, rolling apex, trend line, etc. The Highlighted Time Labelled Transcript allows you to quickly view a portion of interest. Understanding the Governors reasons behind his actions is an important part of giving all of us a better idea of how we can do our part. Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country ....President Kennedy https://starvideocasts.com/covid19march29thgovernorcuomo/ the secretary to the governor to her 00:01 left Robert mihika budget director thank 00:04 you for being here 00:06 let us go through some updates for today 00:10 so everyone knows where we are and what 00:15 we're experiencing as you can see the 00:16 increase on the trajectory of cases 00:19 continues to climb 76 81 a couple of 00:25 updates that I would like to make to the 00:28 local health providers we want to 00:32 anticipate this situation we talked 00:34 yesterday about planning forward getting 00:35 ahead of it that we have been behind on 00:39 this virus from day one and rather than 00:43 be reactive be proactive get ahead of it 00:46 local health providers should be 00:48 watching what's going on in different 00:50 parts of the state and anticipating 00:54 what's going to happen this is gonna be 00:57 a phenomenon of a rolling apex we keep 00:59 talking about the apex the top of the 01:01 curve but the top of the curve will 01:05 occur at different times in different 01:08 places right the curve is a function of 01:11 the rate of spread the rate of density 01:14 and when it started so you'll see 01:17 different curves you see it all across 01:21 the country started in Washington state 01:24 of Washington now you see New York you 01:27 see Chicago you see New Orleans you see 01:29 parts of California so that rolling apex 01:33 is happening across the country that 01:35 rolling apex is also going to be 01:37 happening across the state of New York 01:39 the current projections all say New York 01:43 City will face the first high-water mark 01:49 if you will high tide mark the height 01:51 height of the curve but then you'll see 01:55 Westchester you'll see Long Island on a 01:58 delay with their curve hitting a new 02:02 height model projectors are not sure if 02:06 it's Westchester first or long Long 02:08 Island first some suggest it's 02:12 Westchester because we had that 02:13 cluster in Westchester if you remember 02:15 at New Rochelle and then upstate New 02:18 York we expect a curve in upstate New 02:21 York also may not be as high obviously 02:24 as New York City 02:26 Westchester Long Island but there will 02:28 be a curve so if you are not in a highly 02:33 affected health area now that doesn't 02:37 mean you're not going to have a real 02:40 situation to deal with because these 02:42 numbers are just going to continue to go 02:44 up all across the state so for a local 02:47 Health System this is a new challenge 02:50 most health systems have public 02:53 hospitals and then they have private 02:54 hospitals or volunteer voluntary 02:58 hospitals and they basically exist on a 03:01 day to day basis as two different 03:02 systems so you'll have public hospitals 03:05 and then you have the private hospital 03:09 system and for all intensive purposes in 03:13 normal operating procedures they operate 03:17 as two systems this very little 03:19 interaction there's also very little 03:22 interaction among individual hospitals 03:26 sometimes even within the their own 03:29 system so you have public hospitals that 03:33 are part of a public hospital system but 03:36 each Hospital basically operates on its 03:39 own right has its own identity certainly 03:43 true on the private side where you have 03:45 individual hospitals and they operate on 03:47 their own we have to change that 03:50 mentality and we have to change that 03:52 mentality quickly no hospital is an 03:57 island no hospital in this situation can 04:00 exist unto its unto themselves we really 04:04 have to have a new mentality a new 04:07 culture of hospitals working with one 04:11 another both within the public system as 04:14 well as the private system and we need 04:17 to think about the public system working 04:20 with the private system in a way they 04:23 never have before there is an artificial 04:27 almost between those two systems right 04:29 now that that wall has to come down that 04:34 theory has to come down this is going to 04:36 be all hands on deck this is everybody 04:39 helping everyone else one Hospital gets 04:43 overwhelmed the other hospitals have to 04:46 have to flex to help that hospital and 04:49 vice versa 04:51 the we have Elmhurst Hospital for 04:53 example in New York City that is under 04:57 stress the number of cases in the 04:59 Elmhurst Hospital is high when the 05:02 number of cases is high the stress on 05:05 the staff is high I was just being with 05:08 dr. Zucker about this you do this for 05:10 two three four weeks the level of stress 05:14 is very intense Elmhurst Hospital is 05:18 part of a public health system of about 05:23 11 hospitals in New York City that 05:25 system has to work together and those 05:29 hospitals have to work together the 11 05:33 Health and Hospital in New York City the 05:35 public system and I'm going to ask mayor 05:38 de Blasio and controller stringer to 05:41 take a look at the system and figure out 05:44 how we can get that system to work 05:47 better together as a unified system this 05:52 is not going to get better soon right so 05:56 Elmhurst is under stress now that stress 06:00 does not abate for this foreseeable 06:04 short-term future so how do we make that 06:08 system work better together and what 06:12 recommendations do we have to improve 06:15 HNH will also be meeting with the 06:19 private hospitals in New York City that 06:22 are organized through something called 06:23 the Greater New York Hospital 06:24 Association I'm going to be meeting with 06:26 them tomorrow 06:27 to talk about having those hospitals 06:30 also organized act as one get out of 06:34 their silos get out of their identities 06:36 to work together and then overall 06:40 you have these local health systems this 06:43 state's role which we've never really 06:46 done before is getting those health 06:48 systems to work with one another so we 06:51 talked about if New York City gets 06:53 overwhelmed we'll ask the Upstate 06:55 systems to be a relief valve for the 06:59 downstate health systems which has never 07:03 happened before to any school and also 07:06 vice versa there will be a time where 07:09 the Upstate hospitals will be struggling 07:12 and when the Upstate hospitals will be 07:14 struggling then we want the downstate 07:16 hospitals to be able to take over and 07:19 relieve those hospitals that's actually 07:22 the advantage of the rolling curve that 07:26 they're projecting if it does happen 07:28 that way theoretically the I almost 07:31 think of it as a high tide mark right 07:34 high tide comes first in New York City 07:37 then the tide is on the way down and 07:40 then it's high tide in upstate New York 07:42 okay so if it's if the tide is dropping 07:46 downstate then you have some relief for 07:49 the Upstate hospitals we put in place 07:51 the New York 07:53 pause program today I am going to extend 07:57 it to April 15th the directive that 08:00 non-essential State Workforce continue 08:02 to work from home we're doing it in two 08:05 week intervals because every day is a 08:09 new day and we'll see what happens day 08:13 to day but I think it's not even 08:17 questionable today but that we're going 08:19 to need two more weeks of non-essential 08:21 workers (staying at home) good news wodsworth has 08:24 developed a New York State Department of 08:27 Health has developed a less intrusive 08:30 saliva and short nasal swab test I'm not 08:36 exactly sure what a short nasal swab 08:38 test is but my guess is it wouldn't 08:40 apply to me it can be administered in 08:44 the presence of health care workers it 08:46 requires less PPE health care workers 08:49 can self administer it so kudos to 08:53 the Department of Health on that it also 08:56 helps them limit the exposure for 08:58 healthcare workers and it should start 09:00 as soon as next week people ask when is 09:03 this over 09:04 I think the testing you tell me when 09:08 they come up with a an inexpensive home 09:14 test or a point-of-care test that can be 09:18 brought to volume I think that's 09:21 probably when you see a real return to 09:25 normalcy in the workforce in other words 09:27 we're all talking about this curve 09:29 flatten the curve what at what point on 09:33 the other side of the curve do you go 09:35 back to work 09:36 Jessie asked this question the other day 09:38 there is no answer I think the answer is 09:42 going to be in testing doctor foul Qi 09:44 who I think is is we're so blessed to 09:48 have him here at this time he talks 09:50 about faster easier testing if you can 09:54 test millions of people if you could 09:56 test today millions of people you could 09:59 send them to work tomorrow right so the 10:03 development of these tests I think are 10:05 very important instructive tomorrow the 10:07 USNS comfort is coming that is about 10:12 1,000 bed capacity it's staffed by 10:16 federal officials federal medical 10:19 professionals 10:21 it is not for covered patients but it is 10:24 to take the backfill from hospitals 10:26 current stockpile we're still working to 10:29 purchase and equipment all across the 10:32 globe we have a whole team that's 10:34 working seven days a week unfortunately 10:36 we're competing against every other 10:38 state in the United States for these 10:41 same things so it's it's very hard but 10:45 we're making progress in terms of 10:48 finding staff that's going very well the 10:51 volunteerism of New Yorkers god bless 10:53 them we're up to 76 thousand health care 10:57 workers who are volunteered 76,000 11:02 76,000 people who volunteer to go into 11:05 these hospitals  11:06 at this time just think about that on 11:11 the total people tested we did 16 11:14 thousand last night total of 170 mm 11:19 tested that's the highest in the state 11:20 the highest in the country I'm sorry 11:23 positive cases seven thousand last night 11:25 total cases fifty nine thousand the 11:30 virus continues its march across the 11:33 state of New York only two counties now 11:37 that don't have cases these are the 11:41 overall numbers fifty nine thousand 11:43 people tested positive eight thousand 11:45 currently hospitalized two thousand ICU 11:47 patients 3,500 patients discharged we 11:53 know but we nobody really points to 11:56 these numbers but this is good news 11:57 eight hundred and forty six people came 12:00 out of hospitals yesterday 12:03 discharged after being treated for covid19 12:08 right so yes people get it eighty 12:13 percent have either self resolved or 12:16 have some symptoms at home 12:17 twenty percent going to the hospital 12:19 majority of those get treated and leave 12:22 it's the acutely ill by and large who 12:27 are the vulnerable population and that's 12:29 what we're seeing more and more the 12:31 deaths went from seven twenty eight to 12:33 nine sixty five what's happening now is 12:36 as I mentioned yesterday people are on 12:38 the on the ventilator longer and longer 12:40 the longer you are on a ventilator 12:42 unless your chance of ever getting off 12:44 that ventilator and that's what we're 12:47 seeing and we will continue to see the 12:50 number of deaths increase in terms of 12:55 most impacted states again New York is 12:58 still number one total new 13:01 hospitalizations these are the charts we 13:03 look at every night the numbers up 1175 13:09 it was eight forty seven the night 13:12 before these bounced night tonight any 13:18 one ninth day 13:21 could have a number of variables in it 13:23 what what hospitals actually reported 13:27 when they reported it how accurate they 13:30 were so more you look for a trendline 13:32 more than anything else and there are 13:36 trend lines if you look on the hospital 13:39 as hospitalization rate was doubling 13:42 every two days then it doubled every 13:45 three days then it doubled every four 13:47 days now it's doubling every six days so 13:52 you have almost a dichotomy the doubling 13:56 rate is slowing and that is good news 14:00 but the number of cases are still going 14:03 up so you're still going up towards an 14:05 apex but the rate of the doubling is 14:09 slowly which is good news changing daily 14:14 ICU admissions you see a tick up in the 14:18 ICU admissions but again you see the you 14:21 look for the trend line among those 14:23 columns more than the individual columns 14:26 change in daily intubations we don't 14:29 normally run this chart but these are 14:32 the people who are most seriously 14:34 affected and again you see a trend line 14:39 in that you see some aberrations March 14:42 26 the 290 but you see a trend line and 14:45 the trend line is what we're watching 14:48 you also see a trend line in people 14:51 being discharged okay and this is a 14:55 dramatic trend line so people came in 14:59 they started to get treated only March 15:04 eighteenth right so we're only talking 15:06 about ten days they started to get 15:09 treated a few of them got out early 15:11 a few more a few more a few more a few 15:14 more and now you're seeing the discharge 15:18 number trend way up because that's 15:21 what's going to happen people go into 15:23 the hospital they get treated they leave 15:27 those that are acutely ill get put on a 15:31 ventilator and then it's the 15:33 the inverse dynamic the longer they're 15:38 on the intimate into beta the longer 15:41 they are intubated the longer they are 15:43 on the ventilator the higher the 15:45 mortality rate again perspective these 15:49 are the numbers from day one since China 15:51 started also we should all keep in mind 15:58 we lost the first responders who go out 16:01 there I was talking about the 76,000 16:04 people who volunteered to help medical 16:07 professionals being a first responder 16:11 today being a public health official 16:15 working in a hospital working with 16:18 senior citizens this is really an act of 16:21 love and courage 16:23 we lost detective Cedric Nelson Nick 16:26 Dixon 48 years old 30 second 23-year 16:30 veteran could have retired so we wish 16:35 him and his family peace we lost a nurse 16:40 we've lost a couple of other nurses 16:42 Carlos Kelly 48 years old who was the 16:46 assistant nurse manager at Mount Sinai 16:48 West we wish his family the best these 16:53 public people I I don't even have the 17:00 words to express my admiration for them 17:04 FDR always had words courage is not the 17:07 absence of fear but rather the 17:09 assessment that something else is more 17:11 important than fear to me that says it 17:15 all today everyone is afraid everyone is 17:18 afraid you think these police officers 17:20 are not afraid to leave their house you 17:22 think these nurses are not afraid to go 17:24 into the hospital 17:25 they're afraid but something is more 17:29 important than their fear which is their 17:32 passion their commitment for public 17:35 service and helping others that's all it 17:37 is it's just their passion and belief in 17:40 helping others and that overcomes their 17:43 fear and that makes them in my book just 17:46 truly 17:47 amazing outstanding human beings and I 17:51 wish them and their families all the 17:53 best the president in the CD order is a 17:58 CDC ordered a travel advisory for people 18:03 of New York New Jersey and Connecticut 18:05 this happened last night this is not a 18:09 lockdown it is a travel advisory to be 18:12 implemented by the states in essence 18:15 it's nothing that we haven't been doing 18:18 right non-essential people should stay 18:22 at home so it's totally consistent with 18:25 everything we're doing and I support 18:27 what the president did because it 18:31 affirms what we've been doing it also 18:33 firms what new your New Jersey and 18:35 Connecticut have been doing Rhode Island 18:39 issued an executive order that New York 18:43 license plates would be theoretically 18:48 stopped at the border for mandatory 18:51 quarantine of some period that executive 18:55 order has been repealed by the state of 18:57 Rhode Island and we thank them for their 18:59 cooperation that was repealed last night 19:03 personal opinion not fact 19:06 gratuitous this is disorienting it's 19:12 frightening 19:13 it's disturbing your whole life is 19:16 turned upside down overnight do the best 19:20 you can you find a way to create some 19:23 joy you try you try to find a silver 19:26 lining in all of this how do you break 19:29 up the monotony what do you do how do 19:31 you bring a smile to people's face give 19:36 you my idea for today Sunday I come from 19:40 an Italian American family sunday was 19:43 family day we had the big family dinner 19:48 but you'd have like in the afternoon so 19:50 it was I feel confusing but it was like 19:52 a lunch late lunch they called dinner 19:55 and it was spaghetti and meatballs and 19:59 sausages and 20:01 my family would all get together and it 20:04 was a beautiful time I didn't really 20:05 appreciate it as a kid but it was just 20:08 beautiful because they all came together 20:09 and the grandparents were there and they 20:11 would start to weed it 2 o'clock there's 20:13 like a marathon session the food was 20:18 really just the attraction to get people 20:22 together you know everybody talks about 20:23 how the Italians loved the food 20:26 that's true but really they they loved 20:28 bringing the family together and the 20:31 food was the the way that people came 20:34 together and then you sat at the table 20:36 and it was just a two three-hour affair 20:40 my mother and father did it all so 20:45 Nautilus Sims that my grandparents did 20:47 it but we had that same Sunday dinner 20:50 around the table I tried to continue it 20:54 as a father with my kids I was divorced 21:00 and so I'm not really the best cook to 21:06 say the least 21:06 but we would have on Sundays I would 21:11 actually go to the Italian specialty 21:12 store and I would buy the meatballs and 21:14 buy the sausages and buy the sauce but I 21:16 would put it in a pot and I would put it 21:18 on the stove and because part of it was 21:21 that sauce would sit there all day and 21:23 it was just simmer you know and you'd 21:25 smell it all through the house and then 21:28 I'd make them sit down and we would have 21:29 spaghetti and meatballs and sausage on 21:33 Sundays and my daughter Cara's in the 21:38 back the they would never eat the 21:41 sausage and the meatballs they would 21:44 pick at the pasta because they they they 21:46 knew I didn't know how to cook so they 21:48 knew that meatball and sausage was 21:50 inherently suspect and I never said that 21:53 I bought it in the specialty store 21:55 because that would have ruined the whole 21:56 tradition anyway so they wouldn't need 21:59 it and we go to we'd go for Chinese food 22:01 afterwards but the that that convening 22:06 was something special and today we're 22:12 going to have 22:13 our family dinner we're missing one 22:15 daughter Mariah we're gonna get Mariah 22:17 on skype and grandma's gonna be on the 22:19 telephone and we're going to sit around 22:21 the table and we're going to have that 22:23 kind of coming together a little 22:26 different 22:27 Skype telephones but you know what with 22:32 everything going on family we're here 22:35 we're together we're healthy that's 98% 22:40 of it so find ways to make the little 22:43 joy also for new yorkers i know we feel 22:49 under attack i had a lot of phone calls 22:51 yesterday when the president first 22:54 suggested some form of quarantine what 22:58 does that mean quarantine am i going to 23:01 be allowed to leave the house so my 23:03 parents who are supposed to be coming 23:05 back and this once a year and this one's 23:07 here i know we feel under attack the 23:12 rhode island 23:13 you can't drive into rhode island will 23:16 pull you over with the police yes New 23:18 York is the epicenter and these are 23:21 different times and many people are 23:24 frightened some of the reactions you get 23:28 from individuals even from governments 23:31 are frightening and suggesting that 23:38 they're they'll take abrupt actions 23:41 against New York but look this is New 23:46 York and we are going to make it through 23:50 this we have made it through far greater 23:54 things we are going to be okay we 23:58 specialized in stamina and strength and 24:03 instability and that's just what we're 24:06 doing now we are strong we have 24:10 endurance and we have stability and we 24:15 know what we're doing we have a plan 24:17 we're executing a plan anything any 24:22 obstacle that we come across 24:26 we'll manage that obstacle and we have I 24:30 can't sit here and say to anyone you're 24:34 not going to see people pass away you 24:37 will that is the nature of what we're 24:41 dealing with and that's beyond any of 24:45 our control but New York is going to 24:49 have what it needs and no one is going 24:53 to attack New York unfairly and no one 24:57 is going to deprive New York of what it 25:00 needs that's why I'm here that's why we 25:06 have a state full of very talented 25:08 professional people so a deep breath on 25:11 all of that and we are doing exactly 25:15 what we need to do there is no state in 25:17 the nation that is better prepared or 25:21 better mobilized than what we're doing 25:25 and I feel that deeply and having 25:29 studied everything that every other 25:32 state has done federal officials have 25:34 even remarked to me that they're 25:37 surprised how quickly a state is big and 25:40 complicated as New York is actually 25:43 mobilized so feel good about that there 25:47 are two great New York expressions that 25:50 I use all the time anything I build in 25:53 New York always has two expressions on 25:56 it one Excelsior says that all ever 26:02 upwards ever upwards aspirational we can 26:06 be better we will be better we're going 26:08 to aim higher we're going to improve 26:10 ourselves excelsior state model it's on 26:14 the seal behind me Excelsior and the 26:17 other EEP pluribus unum out of many one 26:21 unity unity you put those two things 26:25 together it says it all aim high do 26:29 better believe you can do better be 26:31 optimistic and the way you get there is 26:35 through unity and togetherness and 26:38 cooperation 26:40 through mutuality and community those 26:42 two expressions I say to my daughters if 26:47 you remember nothing else when I'm gone 26:49 if you walk up to the box and have 26:51 nothing else to remember excelsior you 26:57 can be better it will be better we can 26:59 make it better 27:00 eeep Laura Vasu we make it better 27:02 together that's it and that's what we're 27:06 doing questions when are we funneling 27:18 patients into Javits Javits will be 27:21 coming online this week also remember a 27:25 lot of what we're doing is we're 27:26 building capacity and assembling 27:32 supplies for the apex you get these 27:35 people say well you don't need this 27:37 today yeah I know I don't need it today 27:39 because I know where we are on the 27:41 trajectory today I have to prepare for 27:43 the apex for the curve that's where I 27:46 need the beds that's where I need the 27:47 supplies etc that's when I say get ahead 27:50 of this thing right the virus has been 27:52 ahead of us I want to get ahead of the 27:54 virus I want to get to that apex before 27:56 the virus gets to the apex so the Javits 27:59 is part of that supply but it will be 28:01 coming on online this week when we 28:03 actually utilize it is when we need it 28:23 it's hard it's hard but on the flip side 28:27 I say look at what happened in New 28:29 Rochelle those gatherings that brought 28:34 people together were religious 28:36 gatherings and brought hundreds of 28:39 people together which was beautiful but 28:42 it made many many people ill and density 28:46 is the enemy here for this particular 28:51 time so 28:53 you worship worship the way you can but 28:58 the gatherings are just not a good idea 29:02 by the way the patient zero or we call 29:06 patient zero in Westchester New Rochelle 29:08 who was very sick for a very long time 29:13 he has actually gone home am I correct 29:18 I spoke to the governor of Rhode Island 29:31 yesterday and we had a conversation I 29:35 don't think the order was called for I 29:39 don't believe it was legal I don't 29:42 believe was neighborly 29:44 I understood the point but I thought 29:46 there were different ways to do it and 29:47 the governor of Rhode Island was very 29:50 receptive and I thank her very much for 29:52 reconsidering her position 237 deaths in 29:56 the last 24 hours in the state of New 29:58 York 29:58 222 it seems in New York City what are 30:02 your projections showing in terms of 30:03 what this Apex might look like in terms 30:06 of fatalities are we talking hundreds of 30:08 people thousands of people what what are 30:10 you seeing 30:11 inside Jim Howard do you know sure so 30:16 you know there's many different 30:17 projections that were working at and it 30:19 does see that we'll be already we're at 30:21 965 and so we do see in the thousands 30:24 but again these are models and and and 30:27 we have to plan for what the model might 30:30 show but hopefully you'll be less New 30:33 Yorkers are we talking hundreds of 30:36 deaths a day thousands of deaths a day 30:37 it goes back to the beat the numbers 30:40 we've always said that 80% of 30:41 individuals get better and we've said 30:43 that of the other 20% some end up in the 30:45 hospital and there's a small percentage 30:47 that end up unfortunately dying and that 30:50 percentage as we're looking at the 30:52 numbers is actually hovering around one 30:55 or even less than 1% so again it's 30:57 determined by how many people are 30:59 positive opinion jesse not data-driven I 31:05 don't see how you look at those 31:07 numbers and conclude anything less than 31:10 thousands of people will pass away 31:12 because remember who it's attacking it's 31:14 attacking the vulnerable underlying 31:18 illness etc and I don't see how you get 31:22 past that curve without seeing thousands 31:26 of people pass away 31:27 I hope it's wrong nursing homes are 31:40 about 1/4 of the coronavirus deaths 31:42 frankly I'm I'm we are lucky that it's 31:47 only 1/4 coronavirus and a nursing home 31:52 is a toxic mix we've said that from day 31:55 one we saw that in Washington State 31:59 this virus preys on the vulnerable it 32:03 preys on seniors it preys on people with 32:06 compromised immune systems and 32:08 underlying illnesses and coronavirus in 32:11 a nursing home can be like fire through 32:13 dry grass the state has put in different 32:17 precautions we're not even allowing 32:18 visitors into nursing homes now which is 32:22 really harsh frankly unless the person 32:26 there unless what we call there are 32:28 exigent circumstances where the person 32:30 is in a desperate situation and then the 32:34 family comes in to see them the staff is 32:37 being tested before they go in so we're 32:40 doing everything we can but this is a 32:44 truly terrible virus to stop and that 32:48 combination is Lisa coronavirus in a 32:53 nursing home is lethal the only question 32:56 is how many people will die I'm sorry 32:59 Jimmy 33:06 yes okay and then to go back to the 33:10 point that dr. Zucker is making 33:12 obviously we're testing in a very large 33:14 race that was getting a lot of more 33:16 positives 33:17 maybe compared to other jurisdictions so 33:19 what numbers are you actually the rate 33:23 of ICU intubation we're seeing you look 33:29 at all the numbers we look at all of 33:30 this so we look at the trends it's very 33:33 important look at the trends as the 33:34 governor mentioned that is a it is a 33:36 trend that we need to follow whether 33:38 it's intubations ICU care and obviously 33:40 we look at the case fatality rate which 33:42 is the number of people have died which 33:44 is the number over the larger number of 33:46 people have tested New York has tested 33:48 many people more than anyone else 33:50 yeah Jimmy if I can on that the question 33:53 was basically what numbers do you look 33:56 at to make a projection as dr. sacra 33:59 said you look at all of them but I would 34:01 not look at the testing numbers I 34:04 wouldn't overweight the testing numbers 34:07 because the testing numbers are not 34:09 random the testing numbers are all self 34:11 selected right these are people who 34:13 you're testing because they're suspect 34:16 of being positive and we don't do the 34:19 projections ourselves we have Colombia y 34:23 OU Medical Center that does projections 34:25 the CDC does projections we have 34:30 McKinsey company that we hired to do 34:32 projections so there are a number of 34:34 firms that do these projection models 34:37 and they go back to studying China and 34:39 South Korea and everything else and they 34:41 have models the models some of the 34:45 models are all over the place right so 34:48 we we do the best we can to pick a 34:52 reasonable model not the highest not the 34:57 lowest a reasonable model plan for that 34:59 model plan for that apex that's where we 35:02 got from day one 140,000 hospital beds 35:06 40,000 ICU beds that's from that model 35:09 at the apex at the apex well you don't 35:13 need 140,000 hospital beds today of 35:16 course not 35:17 we need them at the apex but that's 35:20 where we got those original projections 35:22 then you have actuality right which is 35:25 when you're pointing to you can see the 35:26 day to day how many come in how many go 35:29 out the discharge rate the death rate 35:31 and that's what we're plotting and then 35:33 they take every day and they put it 35:35 against their projection but you still 35:37 only have a projection they still can't 35:39 tell you they're watching at this 35:41 they're watching for the slowing of the 35:43 number of cases and when you see the 35:47 number of cases the increase in the 35:48 number of cases slowing then you are 35:51 theoretically reaching the apex and 35:57 otherwise you just watch it day to day I 36:07 did not hear that 36:14 I mean I don't know what Florida did but 36:19 I will look into it two parts take this 36:28 take first and second questions doctor 36:55 do you want to come at them or Jim you 36:56 want talk about the mental health 36:57 program we have a volunteer program we 37:01 have nearly 12,000 mental health experts 37:04 and professionals who have signed up to 37:05 offer services to New Yorkers either by 37:09 a telephone or skype or other things so 37:11 that program is going quite well of 37:13 psychologists and psychiatrists that are 37:15 mental health experts to help with that 37:17 we are tracking criminal justice 37:20 expect me to do something that's more 37:36 many of the people well people are 37:38 skyping because we want to limit its 37:41 distance we want people to distance from 37:42 one another now so many of those 37:44 volunteers that I mentioned are actually 37:46 New Yorkers who are just giving their 37:48 time and expertise to help New Yorkers 37:50 in need right now it's very New York 37:51 centric yup that's right Jim Mort Howard 38:01 do you want to take that it's tough to 38:05 tell how its emerging we have seen 38:08 there's some antidotal instances of 38:10 increased of domestic violence issues 38:12 and the Department of Health and other 38:15 government agencies have been monitoring 38:16 and trying to provide services where 38:19 where possible but I would defer to dr. 38:21 Zucker oh no we as Jim said we're 38:24 working with all the different agencies 38:25 across the state on this issue of some 38:27 mental health and all the other agencies 38:29 and I've also reached out to some of the 38:31 professionals in the private sector to 38:33 ask some of the recommendations they may 38:35 have sir I appreciate it 38:38 could you please speak to there was 38:40 ample warning before coronavirus touched 38:43 on I may be or assures that there should 38:45 be large mass gathering should be banned 38:48 all gathering should be banned there 38:49 should be large workplace restrictions 38:51 why don't you shut down the state sooner 38:54 I think we shut it down I think we were 38:58 one of the first to shut it down you 39:00 know shutting it down is not without 39:02 criticism either right you're trying to 39:06 balance this you now have the 39:07 conversation about when do you bring the 39:08 economy back right when do you open it 39:10 up shutting it down is a very drastic 39:14 measure but I think we were one of the 39:17 first also you want to do it in a way 39:20 that doesn't create more fear and more 39:24 panic you're fighting two things we're 39:26 still fighting two things last night we 39:28 were fighting two things you're fighting 39:31 the virus and you're fighting the fear I 39:32 can't tell you how 39:33 people called all night long about the 39:38 mandatory quarantine comment that the 39:40 president made as he was getting into a 39:43 helicopter which was inconclusive by the 39:46 way even if you've heard his comment he 39:48 didn't there's not conclusive in his 39:49 comment but people are so on edge I mean 39:54 it really panicked people they were 39:56 going to leave the city last night it 39:58 was really so you need to manage that 40:01 fear in the panic and you also need to 40:05 deal with the virus we were one of the 40:08 first I never used the term 40:13 shelter-in-place because I believe that 40:17 was an inflammatory term and incorrect 40:20 by the way they still use it nobody has 40:24 a shelter-in-place policy 40:26 shelter-in-place was from the nuclear 40:30 war threat go to a room in the middle of 40:33 your home that has no windows stay there 40:35 until they give you the all-clear sign 40:37 what modern times it was for an active 40:42 shooter concept or in schools that's not 40:46 what this was but you say that nuclear 40:49 war active shooter you know so it's how 40:52 you do it but we were one of the first 40:54 to do it it's such a quick flip now do 40:57 you regret not you know placing more 40:59 restrictions sooner closing /t I think 41:01 we were the most dramatic 41:05 basically the first point other folks I 41:18 don't have we don't have a statistic on 41:20 how many first responders specifically 41:23 proved positive 41:29 our Medicaid funding for New Yorkers 41:31 because you're not willing to delay the 41:32 Medicaid reforms until the federal 41:35 funding runs out and hurt local 41:38 governments especially at this time yes 41:41 well I said a Senator Schumer be nice if 41:43 he passed a piece of legislation that 41:46 actually helped the state of New York 41:49 the piece of legislation he passed 41:52 stopped the state from a process that 41:57 was happening for six months which was 42:02 redesigning the Medicaid program to make 42:05 it more efficient and more effective it 42:08 was called the Medicaid redesign team I 42:10 announced it back in January it's the 42:13 second time we did it and it takes waste 42:16 and fraud and inefficiency out of the 42:19 system and that was going on since 42:21 January the legislation he passed said 42:26 you can't redesign Medicaid for what 42:31 reason I have no idea so it disqualified 42:36 this state from funding and he knew that 42:40 when he passed it because I have no 42:56 choice because under no I'll tell you 43:01 two and a half billion per year 43:04 recurring is worth more than 6 billion 43:09 1-shot I'd rather have 2.5 2.5 2.5 then 43:15 6 billion today and I called every 43:21 congressional representative and told 43:23 them why would you want to stop a 43:26 Medicaid redesign that's been going on 43:29 since January I don't know what their 43:32 political calculus was but that's all it 43:35 was was a political calculus there's no 43:38 good government reason to say why you 43:41 would 43:41 stop a Medicaid redesign headed by 43:46 Dennis Rivera former head of $11.99 43:49 Michael Dowling top health care 43:51 professional in the state passed by the 43:55 assembly and the Senate a state passed 44:00 Medicaid redesign effort why would you 44:04 ever want to stop that I don't know 44:08 whose politics they're playing but they 44:10 didn't represent the people who stay the 44:21 numbers are important the six billion 44:23 dollar number we can't get to the six 44:25 billion dollar numbers no matter how us 44:26 to make those numbers it's probably 44:28 closer to about four billion dollars and 44:30 that assumes that the emergency is in 44:33 place for a full year there's nothing in 44:36 that in that bill that says that it will 44:38 last for a year in fact it will end as 44:40 soon as the president declares the 44:41 emergency is over so that could happen 44:43 at any time so that four billion dollar 44:45 number also is reduced if it's half a 44:48 year it's too then 44:50 a significant portion of that money 44:51 doesn't come to the state it went to 44:53 local governments so you're left with a 44:55 number that's under two billion dollars 44:58 potentially if at most 45:00 which then you're basically saying take 45:02 a one-shot of these funds don't reform 45:04 the Medicaid system and spend that money 45:06 inefficiently on a system that 45:09 unanimously everyone on there understood 45:12 was not working properly we're wasting 45:14 the money so the choices really wastes 45:16 the money that way or do a bill that 45:19 actually provides funding to New York 45:21 State that bill doesn't even give us a 45:23 fraction of the amount of money that is 45:25 needed for the budget but just to so you 45:34 have a fact it's two billion take two 45:38 billion for sure right door a door be 45:41 take door a a two billion for sure or 45:45 door B for 2.6 billion I pick the door 45:51 with 2.6 billion not because I like to 45:53 let it be but I think 45:55 2.6 billion the real question is to me 45:57 Jimmy why would you do that to the state 46:02 of New York 46:03 why would you say stop a Medicaid 46:08 redesign that saves taxpayers money that 46:14 has to be passed by the assembly and has 46:17 to be passed by the Senate why would a 46:20 federal government say I'm gonna trample 46:24 the states right to redesign its 46:28 Medicaid program that it runs that saves 46:33 money what what is I don't even know 46:36 what the political interest is they're 46:39 trying to protect 46:40 but 2.2 billion versus 2.6 I picked 2.6 46:46 second the problem of the budget is the 46:50 numbers why because the federal 46:53 government what we just talked about was 46:55 in the previous bill two bills ago the 47:00 bill that just passed we get 1.9 percent 47:05 of our state budget about five billion 47:09 dollars which is 1.9 percent of our 47:12 budget only to use for coronavirus 47:17 expenses okay five billion dollars 1.9 47:20 percent of our budget only for 47:22 coronavirus expenses first point you 47:26 have states that got 10% of their budget 47:30 20 percent of their budget in 47:33 coronavirus expenses that don't even 47:36 have coronavirus cases you have some 47:39 states have four cases we have more 47:41 cases than anyone else we got the lowest 47:44 level of reimbursement in the bill what 47:49 happened to funding need second the 47:53 federal bill had no funding for the fact 47:57 that states have lost revenue and 48:00 speaker Pelosi god bless her was asked 48:04 today 48:05 how about Governor Cuomo's point that it 48:08 didn't do anything to help to stay 48:09 and the speaker basically said yeah we 48:12 have to come back and pass another bill 48:14 so we have a ten billion dollar 15 48:17 billion dollar revenue hole that the 48:20 federal government did nothing to help 48:23 on now I have to do is they budget so 48:27 now I say the state is simply in state 48:28 Senate by the way we have a 10 of 15 48:30 billion dollar hole they don't want to 48:34 hear it right nobody wants to hear it I 48:37 don't want hear it unfortunately I have 48:39 to live with it but how do you do a 48:42 budget with that big a hole and remember 48:47 the great heartbreak was we were all 48:51 waiting for this last federal piece of 48:53 legislation because we all believed it 48:56 was going to have money to help us with 48:59 our revenue shortfall and then it didn't 49:03 so like that shock was just two or three 49:08 days ago now we have to do the budget 49:10 next week the help we were waiting for 49:14 from Washington never came now we have 49:18 to make drastic cuts to the budget like 49:22 you have never seen the travel advisory 49:27 how do you envision non-essential travel 49:30 I mean business travel for many people 49:32 is considered essential you yourself 49:34 said that the financial sector is 49:36 important how do you imagine that and 49:37 are you asking people not to come to New 49:40 York to do business know seeing 49:41 definitions is we have Jesse 49:44 non-essential if you are non-essential 49:47 worker you shouldn't be leaving your 49:50 home if you are essential worker then 49:53 you can take a bus a train a car or 49:55 plane so should people be traveling to 50:00 New York same rules if they are 50:01 essential business travelers yes looks 50:08 like you could still find 50:09 without shifting across two counties and 50:11 what would be the impact of the 50:13 across-the-board cuts that the meta 50:15 Marty's looking at there that are you 50:18 know possible at a time of a public 50:19 health crisis well we we do have funding 50:22 the question is how do we fund the 50:26 healthcare cost the federal government 50:28 did provide healthcare funded I have 50:31 five billion dollars in the bill for 50:33 coronavirus funding but you know every 50:36 Hospital now has coronavirus expenses so 50:39 we have five billion dollars for 50:40 healthcare in hospitals there pranic Lee 50:43 our last problem in some ways is the 50:46 healthcare budget because we've received 50:49 five billion dollars and the hospitals 50:51 have received a lot of money the big 50:53 problem is how do you fund the schools 50:56 because the schools are the second big 50:59 expenses for the state after health care 51:00 and that's where we have zero dollars 51:10 couldn't we do short short-term 51:13 borrowing yeah the issue is right we're 51:15 not going to have revenue in the first 51:16 quarter of this year as a result of the 51:18 delay in the tax filing date from April 51:21 to July 15th so with no revenue coming 51:23 in because of that federal decision will 51:25 have to potentially borrow resources to 51:29 bridge that gap temporarily those 51:31 revenues should come in that's different 51:33 than the revenue actual shortfall which 51:36 is a result of having only essential 51:38 businesses open and that revenue not 51:40 coming in but to bridge that gap we'll 51:43 do short term borrowing we still have a 51:44 ten billion dollar revenue shortfall but 51:46 the essential problem on the budget just 51:48 so we're clear is when you have that big 51:50 a hole that has to be closed there's two 51:55 things you can do you can sort of paper 51:57 over it and come up with expectations 52:01 well we believe the next federal bill 52:04 will actually deliver money to the state 52:08 of New York 52:10 yeah you could say that and you could 52:13 say I believe that Santa Claus is real 52:15 you know but I'm not comfortable doing 52:18 that especially since the federal 52:20 government just passed the bill and 52:22 that's what we were just 52:23 before and the federal government just 52:24 did the exact opposite and handed us a 52:26 goose egg well we expect the economy is 52:31 going to rebound in nine months and that 52:35 it's going to be what they called the V 52:36 curve it was a quick down it's gonna be 52:38 a quick up and in nine months all those 52:40 revenues are gonna keep come flooding 52:42 back so we're going to be fine that's 52:45 another way of papering over the whole I 52:48 don't want to do that either 52:51 because I don't believe it and I don't 52:53 believe anyone's gonna believe it and I 52:55 don't believe credit agencies are gonna 52:58 believe it and I believe postponing a 53:02 problem in government in life you just 53:06 make it worse you just make it worse 53:08 let's not deceive ourselves you're not 53:11 gonna get saved by the federal 53:12 government if they were going to do it 53:14 they would have done it 53:16 they played their own politics shocker 53:19 this is not going to be a quick down 53:21 quick up you're looking at weeks or 53:25 months and I don't know how quick the 53:27 recovery and the recovery is going to be 53:30 complicated and everybody says it so I'm 53:32 not going to say to the people of this 53:34 state there is a theory of economics 53:37 that I don't believe I believe we have 53:41 to actually deal with the numbers that 53:44 are presented by the way like every 53:47 family in this state has to deal with 53:50 the numbers everybody's income is down 53:53 and they don't get to make up numbers or 53:56 make up a rationale well I'm going to go 53:58 buy a new car because I think I'm going 54:00 to get rehired and I think I'm gonna get 54:02 rehired at a job that pays more so I'm 54:05 gonna go buy a new car I'm not doing it 54:07 I'm not doing it they can't do it I'm 54:09 not gonna do it it's going to be honest 54:11 I know it's politically hard for the 54:12 legislature I know that you know 54:16 legislative bodies they want to make 54:19 friends by giving out a lot of money 54:21 we've been successful in being very 54:25 prudent economically our spending rate 54:27 has gone up less than any Administration 54:31 in modern history our budgets have 54:35 passed and they've been right 54:37 I'm not going to change that now so I'm 54:39 not going to paper over the economic 54:41 reality and I know it's difficult for 54:43 them but I'm not gonna do it otherwise I 54:46 can tell you that right now I'm not 54:48 gonna pass or sign a phony budget the 54:54 same policy issues we've been discussing 54:56 all along the main policy objections 55:01 they object to a policy proposal that I 55:05 put in which would be a bill that is 55:10 meant to fight against anti-semitism 55:14 anti-semitism has been a major problem 55:17 in this state you know right now we have 55:19 coronavirus and that sort of eclipses 55:21 everything we tend to be myopic we've 55:25 had dozens and dozens of anti-semitic 55:28 attacks all across this state I've been 55:32 there with families who have been 55:34 attacked I was there the morning after 55:38 the first night of Hanukkah when a 55:40 rabbis home was attacked not to address 55:43 anti-semitism in the state I think is a 55:45 terrible mistake and it's not just 55:47 anti-semitism it's what I call domestic 55:49 terrorism it's repugnant to the concept 55:53 of New York and America to attack 55:55 someone based on their race color creed 55:57 if you try to kill someone if you kill 56:01 someone in in an attempt to kill several 56:06 people based on their race color or 56:09 creed how is that not a terrorist act 56:12 you kill someone and you were attempting 56:16 to kill multiple people based on the 56:20 race color creed they don't want to pass 56:23 that bill and there's objections to the 56:26 surrogacy bill which would allow which 56:29 would help infertile women who can't 56:32 have a child can't carry a child 56:34 biologically from having a surrogate so 56:38 they can have a child it would stop 56:40 LGBTQ couples from having a child which 56:44 is wholly ironic to me as this is the 56:49 state that first 56:50 past marriage equality now you say to 56:53 that couple who you said you can get 56:55 married but you can't have a family and 56:59 you because you can't have a child makes 57:01 no sense to me but those are the main 57:03 discussions let's go to work guys Read the full article

[lyesera-thoughts]

Therapy - physical self-care

I like this picture, makes me smile a little.

SELF-CARE. 

My therapist preaches it a lot. A combination of my school bullying and an unhealthy home life, my physical health became, well, ugly. I have come from one end of the spectrum to the other side and it’s been one heck of a roller coaster of not-very-much-fun.

I hit puberty early, first in my grade (not just my class, my grade). I also come from a long line of tall, tall women on my dad’s side (contrary to my mom’s side of under 5′ 5″ women). I sprung up, basically overnight (like Steve Rogers with his super soldier serum) and I was one energetic and athletic kid. I was underweight for the first few years of puberty.

But then the bullying got worse. Started following me home, during my free time outside. I stopped wanting to be alone out there where I was targeted and that meant one energetic kid was cooped up inside, with her equally bullied and energetic little brother. We were, understandably, not great kids inside. We were loud, we broke things, we fought (a lot).

At the same time this started happening, my father was dealing with a serious issue of his own that we didn’t understand at the time. 

The backstory summary is, around 30 years old (when I was only about 4 or 5), my dad suffered a ruptured disk between his L1 and L2 vertebrae. He had emergency surgery to have the two vertebrae cemented together. This meant a lot of hospital and physical therapy time and not a whole lot of work time.

This wasn’t a workplace injury. And dad wasn’t disabled. This meant our entire family’s monetary support fell solely on my mother’s shoulders. As I said in a previous post, when minimum wage at the time was $5.12/hour, mom couldn’t support 3 dependents and herself on a single job. It meant she wasn’t home to be dad’s mental support.

Dad fell into depression hard. Depression led down a long road of dad being unemployed and in pain a lot. It meant he was only sleeping, ever. It meant, dad wasn’t happy about two loud children in the house all the time and didn’t care that we were afraid of being outside alone. 

He locked us out of the house, for HOURS, so he could sleep. We often weren’t getting back inside until mom came home after dusk and unlocked the door. No access to bathrooms, no access to water or food. No access to safety from our bullies.

I learned the safest thing I could ever do so I could stay home was stay quiet. And all of my go-to hobbies weren’t allowed. Computers weren’t a thing for children then. My first cell phone was a Motorola to call mom and dad in an emergency, and I was 13 years old when I had it. We couldn’t afford gaming consoles and dad didn’t want us being loud, so TV was also hands off. All I had were books and eating.

I gained weight, obviously. When you’re stagnant and only ever eat, you gain weight fast. I continued to gain weight all through school, right into college, where I peaked out somewhere between 380 and 400lbs. I don’t know the exact weight, I never thought to check it.

My beautiful fiance; he met me, pursued me, and stated dating me when I was like that. I didn’t understand, and for a long time I distrusted his genuine interest. It was nearly a year after he asked me out the first time before I realized, I want to do this. 

Into our second year together he asked me to make a change. He was worried for my health. All he wanted to see was for me to cut back my food portions and to take a mile long walk everyday. Even paid me for it at first, if you can believe it. But it got me to do it.

I lost nearly 100lbs that first year, just doing that.

I continued walking every where. Our first apartment put me 2 miles outside of where I went to college and worked, so I was walking 4 miles every day. I continued to keep my portions small, not changing anything else about my diet. I got all the way down to 190lbs.

But then my health started taking a turn for the worst. Literally, one year I had a perfect physical across the board, nothing wrong with my blood tests or heart or anything else (other than a long term asthma situation, which was diagnosed around 7). The next year, cholesterol in the tank. I was scared into doing a diet, told horrible things about being on pills if there was even the chance I could get pregnant.

We weren’t planning on children for a long time (11 years together, we are still waiting), but I’m not stupid. I know accidents can happen and I was terrified of the what ifs (that would be my general anxiety at work!) So I tried, really hard, for several months and saw no reward for it, only more stress. Cholesterol came down a bit, but not enough for my doctor to back off me. 

I stopped wanting to see him. I stopped dieting. And I stopped losing weight.

Then I changed jobs and I could no longer be in a position to walk everywhere. I finally had to get a license and get a car. Office job, more money, and a car. I started gaining weight back. It started small at first, then it grew. 6 years after getting down to 190lbs, I am now back at 335lbs. 

My mental health started to really degrade in the last few years. I was disgusted with myself, which encouraged poor eating habits. I noticed I was in pain, all the time. My own depression hit and I stopped wanting to even go on walks.

I expressed this subtly to my parents and their words to me were “That’s life, suck it up it’s only going to get more painful from here.” So I shut down. I didn’t tell anyone for a long time, and in a fit of expressing several frustrations to my therapist, around how I was getting upset over my fiance touching me, I blurted out because it hurt, all the time. Even the simplest hugs, or laying his head on my shoulder, it hurt and I shoved him away every time. Obviously it was causing strain on our relationship.

That’s when she told me that wasn’t normal. How long had I been feeling this pain? Was this the reason I stopped exercising? What else could I tell her?

Made me realize that maybe it wasn’t just my depression stopping me from doing the things I need to do to be healthy. I confessed that my parents told me it was normal. In my house it was normal for my parents to ALWAYS be in pain. What I didn’t realize until then was, it wasn’t normal for my parents to always be in pain either. 

Dad had a major injury he never properly treated. He’s 450lbs, of COURSE his back injury hurts him. Mom ignored her own health in favor of making sure her family stayed together. You know what happened only a few years before I told my therapist about my pains? Mom was diagnosed with Chron’s and fibromyalgia. Both are things that should have shown up right around 30-40 years old for her. Right in the middle of my childhood. I am convinced she has had them for years (nearly a decade) and never saw a doctor until it became so unbearable she wasn’t sleeping anymore. She was in her early 50s when that finally happened.

It started a personal journey for me to get help. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t normal. That what I felt when my fiance touched me wasn’t okay, and, in fact, not what he felt when I touched him. I had gotten it into my head that was just what it was.

I got a physical therapist and I started talking to my doctor (who is not the same one from the cholesterol debacle). I learned that I can control some of my muscle pain through basic, light-weight, low-impact exercise and with daily tissue massage. With my doctor’s help I was tested for several auto-immune diseases (picked from my family medical history), thyroid diseases, and various other odds and ends for chronic pain.

What I learned was my C-Reactive Protein was 2-3 times the highest range of acceptable. But that was the only thing we could find in my blood tests. I had to see a Rheumatologist who, after a 6 month waiting (she was booked out so far), tested me for a few more auto-immune diseases that were unlikely, but had similar symptoms. Like everything else my primary tested me for, these came back negative.

The only conclusion? Fibromyalgia.

We discussed medications and decided that I would only remain on my birth control. Other medications I was on (including my cholesterol pills) were stopped in case this was a symptom of their side-effects. It’s been long enough that we know it isn’t, but we’re not going to put me back on them yet. Additionally, I would not be taking anything to control the Fibromyalgia, I was convinced I could control it with diet and exercise.

In order to keep myself pain-free, I have to be at the gym 3 times a week at minimum. It helps, but it wasn’t enough to start. The next piece was my diet.

I’m still a stress/comfort eater. And I always pick the sugery, fatty, carb-loaded foods. Which is every single thing that makes my C-Reactive Protein skyrocket. 

I got a nutritionist to help me. I am on lean meats and a butt-load of vegetables, which is actually really, really hard for me to keep eating. But it helps. It really, really does. 

My energy levels are amazing. I can easily keep up with my gym times and can even make it to either 5 gym trips, or 3 gym trips and 2-2 mile walks. My body feels great, mostly pain free even! I haven’t felt that in years!

I slip sometimes. I do. Stress is the biggest factor and I can tell you now, I notice. If I have red meat. If I have pastries or junk food, I can feel it. My whole body alights with pain. It’s a motivator. 

So for everyone out there struggling with their physical health, I want to encourage you to keep at it. And reward yourself for good choices!

 Make it a week without eating out? Buy yourself flowers! Or a plushie! (I love soft cute things).

Make it to the gym 3 times a week? Get yourself some quality socks or shoes. I wear silly game shirts that I buy myself to the gym. They motivate me.

Keep it up. You can do it. You’ll slip, it’s okay if you do. Just get back up and do it again. I have, I will continue to. You can make it.

[wetooarestarstuff]

7/7/20

I used to think that the emotion of fear is instinctive - we were all born with it. But after observing animals, I’m starting to think that fear, like many things, is learned. 

The reason I think this is that I find the goslings in the park behave with a lot less fear than their grown-up parents. You might have thought this was backwards, that the older one gets, the more he should be used to the world, and the more he understands it, so the less afraid of it he should get. That’s the way that would make sense to me initially too, like something I would read in a psychology textbook, but I observe the opposite in animals. 

Parent geese are sensitive about humans and especially dogs, while the goslings behave casually around other creatures as if with no perception of the boundary between themselves and the rest of the world. Of course, when a human gets really close to a gosling, stretching out his hand to try and touch it (I have seen this happen with a park stroller and a gosling), the gosling might turn and walk away, but I think this reaction is driven more by its wanting to be near its parents, rather than any innate fear of this hand.

A particular memorable scene for me was the only-child gosling exploring the lawn by itself before finally setting at the edge of it, when a dog walker came along the path. The gosling was oblivious and continued to eat at the grass seemingly without any intention of moving back into the geese group for safety. Its parents obviously detected the dog, probably already when the dog was still far away, and started bobbing their necks as the dog walker got closer. The parents appeared many fold more anxious about the situation than their gosling, which made me think maybe geese’s fear of dogs isn’t innate, because if it were, then the gosling should have reacted at least as greatly as the grown geese. 

Then I thought about Goose Dad, because when we’re talking about feeling stressed and anxious, there is no goose in the group more careful and reactive than Goose Dad. Part of it might be genetic. Maybe Goose Dad inherited an anxious gene (I suspect I did) or an aggressive gene. But there’s such disparity between Goose Dad and the other parents in their day-to-day normal demeanor that I think a lot of it is environmental influences. The biggest difference between Goose Dad and the other geese is that Goose Dad is a single parent. This loss of the mate added a life experience to this goose that the other geese haven’t experienced. This is only my hypothesis after these months of watching geese, but maybe the longer one has lived, the more “life” one has experienced, the more apprehensive one becomes of unfamiliar things. Thus, we see Goose Dad reacting very strongly to dogs, even charging at and chasing them, when all the other geese did was a cautionary hiss. Conversely a child is the most open.

In humans you can observe something similar perhaps. When I walk in the city, sometimes I notice, when a fierce looking person approaches from the other direction, the woman in front of me moves closer to the edge of the sidewalk, maybe subconsciously. Or on a bus or a train, the passengers who just boarded do not really take the seat beside a sketchy looking person (and instead, take the seat next to me, for example). I notice these subtle social things, and I feel they are like unsaid social norms that I was left out of the loop about and have to watch and learn. I don’t really have this instinct. Especially when I was younger, still in school and took the bus every day, I just sat next to whomever, wherever there was an empty seat. And I didn’t care who walked down the street next to me. It’s broad daylight. But just the fact that I notice this social tendency around me now shows to me that my brain is registering more and more the potential danger at the cause of it, and that in fact means I was more fearless in the past.