#oblige) but he was mostly motivated by spite i think

[felixravinstills]

oooh ummmm. au where felix (somehow... i have no clue how) becomes president, where festus and artemisia are his first gentleman and lady.

ask game

5 facts about the au (for the uninformed, Artemisia is my oc)

this can be in the Si Deleamini, Deleamur universe. Marius decides to step down from the presidency after a couple years, and Felix takes over. (important reminder: the Games were abolished in that universe)

in true Felix fashion, his first order of business is legalizing polygamy.

In my worldbuilding, the Capitol has always been big on lineage, but with the legalization of polygamy and how that potentially affects inheritance actually heightens with (stipulations about blood heritage for inheritance for clearer lines of inheritance)

How Felix's administration treats the Districts largely depends on his advisors/staff and what issues come to his attention, I think Felix (in my mind) believes in nobilesse oblige, but I also don't think he's that attentive/hands on

Capitolites and potentially District officials will quickly learn that the best way to get the president to pay attention to anything is to get the attention of the first gentleman or lady. This, of course, means the most regulated District is D7 (due to it's connection to the Creeds)

BONUS: The Ravinstills (+ Festus) probably attempt a dynasty. Diana Ravinstill 4 President (again?). Toxic yuri with Alma Coin on a national scale?

[adozentothedawn]

Essentials 4, Life 9, Party 2, Codex 8, and DAO 15 for your Aeducan??

Ask is here

Happily!👀 (And I swear I haven't forgotten abou the Solveig wip or the asks for it^^°)

It did also get pretty long so under the cut it goes.

Essential 4. What is their moral alignment?

Speaking in DnD terms, probably somwhere between Lawful Neutral and Lawful Good. Her helping people (i.e. me completing all the side quests) is not out of some moral obligation but rather a desperate grabbing for her lost duty. In Orzammer her sticking her nose into everything was mostly collecting information and debts. Over the course of the game she gets a tad less jaded andmore likely to help for the sake of helping. Zerlinda was probably the turing point (though admittedly,helping her was also a bit spite motivated)

Life 9:What do they do with their free time? Do they have any vices?

Solveig likes to map places. First the palace, then the Diamond Quarter, Orzammar, and later once she went on expeditions the deep roads. There's something calming about mapping out places, the precise lines, the structure, the attention it needs. She started doing as a child as a way to practice her sense of direction because even with the stone sense she still kept getting turned around. (This idea comes from the fact that I absolutely get lost as fuck everywhere in all these games, I am hopeless. The Warden, Hawke and The Inquisitor are just stumbling around in circles half the time.) As for vices, she has a tendency towards violence. Not murder necessarily, but fighting definitely, be it just general matches or contests like the Proving, she likes drawing blood.

Party 2: Which companions (or advisors) are they closest friends with? Who do they respect?

Alistair has a special place for her, though their beginning was a bit difficult. I won't go into detail too far cause that's precisely what that one WIP is about, but despite her hatred for her circumstances she does feel kinship with him and takes her duty to him as basically her subordinate now very seriously.

Zevran as her lover of course needs to be mentioned here. It took them quite a while to really get it on, mostly just aggressively flirting/teasing/threatening for a while, with her constantly assuring herself that no, she doesn't have a crush, he's just hot and funny and that's it. He is absolutely unlike her in almost everything, but from the moment of meeting him she appreciated his slyness. He's not idiot even if he pretends sometimes and she finds his verbal dancing intriguing. His immediate jokes and humour after he failed to kill her also just threw her off so much in her depressed and angry state that she finds herself drawn to him again and again.

Sten also deserves a place here. While she probably hasn't met a Qunari before, or if she did only very few, he's a point of familiarity in this weird surface world where everything is off. The Qun is not exactly like dwarven culture but it makes more sense to her than strange Chantry rules. Sten's reliance on duty is a thing she gets and respects.

Sigrun is also best girl. Solveig meets her when she's already a lot better in terms of mental health, so she can appreciate Sigrun's take on the Legion much better, which Solveig respects a lot. Sigrun is bff and I love her. Solveig too.

Also of course Dog.

Codex 8: How do they feel about the Deep Roads?

I don't think Solveig has very detailed opinions either way. The Deep Roads are what they are, and whatever she is now it's her job to kill the darkspawn there. She is interested in them in an abstract way about the potential of perhaps being able to reclaim some thaigs, but she's not a historian to care about it academically and not ambitious enough to really believe that possible.

DAO 15: Who rules Orzammar, Bhelen or Harrowmont? How did your Warden make their decision?

So fun fact: I went into this quest completely prepared to go for Harrowmont. Solveig hated Behlen for what he did to her. Absolute pure rage. I had a cool line prepared for a drabble or something: "You'll make a kinslayer of me yet Behlen." I even made up some lore about their mother being a Harrowmont so the claim to the throne would make more sense.

And then Solveig went to Behlen to talk. And then she did his task. And then she chose him.

So yeah she kinda threw me too, and I'm still trying to tie that into a satisfying emotional arc which in itself I think is intriguing. Harrowmont would have been the clean choice. It would have been the flourish on her arc about letting go. It would have finally made her the kinslayer she was exiled for. And yet here we are with the messy choice. The one where no one really knows how to go on but somehow they have to.

Behlen and Solveig were very close as kids. I made Solveig like 6 years older than him, and Trian 10 years older then her I think, and their mother died in childbirth. Trian was never very close to either them and Endrin was of course always busy, so she took care of Behlen a lot. They had a nanny of course, but as company they always had each other. She always had a soft spot for Behlen and before everything went down she was even looking for the most politically useful match she could find for herself in the hopes that she could allow Behlen to marry his very badly hidden girlfriend. His treason hurt a lot. She went back to Orzammar fully intending to kill him. And then she didn't.

Orzammar was also the first time she had sex with Zevran actually, I have this whole little piece mapped out about her taking him along to break into the palace at night and get back to her old room, without really knowing what she really wants to do there. She has a complete meltdown there, destroying most of the room while he doesn't really know how to help her. Back at the inn/tavern/visitor's quarters/whatever the fuck they have to sleep somewhere she takes him into her rented room and they have ill advised coping sex. They both suck at emotions in different ways and I find intriguing.

[rumblelibrary]

The Diary of Doctor Laszlo Kreizler

Chapter 1

Synopsis: Alienist’s notes are private, sometimes gruesome, secrets of others and of himself.Those pages belongs to secrecy and decadence, have a glimpse to this world made of drafts, notes, accidents and reflections. Or maybe it is you the only person that should ever reach for it.

While you read this imagine Laszlo mostly at the end of his day, scraping the ideas and the thoughts, adjusting previous notes with additions, closing the day behind himself with a couple of sentences while sitting in his evening robe, a good glass of whiskey and his glasses bridged almost at the tip of his nose. Or maybe imagine yourself, you sneaky thing, reach for it from a far shelf.

Word count: 3k

Warnings: listen, this is the set of ideas and confessions of a man living in the 1890’s. Most of them will be outdated, rough, even deprecating in some analysis of the roles of men, women and social status, religion, etc.So be prepared, my point is to make Laszlo reflect upon those topics, but to be as faithful as I can to his time. Mention of death, mutilation, self harm and a minor depiction of a fight. Psychologically troubled young children ahead! Author’s note: I am a nerd for a good Victorian novel and a sexy Alienist.I have always been charmed by Laszlo’s mind and inner conflicts. So I took the chance and tried to have a run into that rollercoaster.  The story is placed between season 1 and season 2.

Diary belonging to Dr. Laszlo Kreizler.  This is a professional book of annotations over medical treatments of an alienist toward his patients. Do not disclose and send it back to the address if found: Kreizler’s Institute, xxxxxx, New York City (NY) L.K.

Samuel Griswold Goodrich, Illustrated Natural History of the Animal Kingdom (c1859). Contributed for digitization by University Library, University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign.

Schiller in his “Die Weltweisen” wrote: So long as philosophy keeps together the structure of the Universe so long does it maintain the world’s machinery by hunger and love. From the philosopher point of view sexual life takes a subordinate position in human’s life, from recent studies pushed by European philosophers, everything is about sexuality and its development. I like to think of the experience of being an alienist as the process of Queen Penelope that, while waiting for her husband Ulysses return, undoes her craftwork every night. I undo the fabulous constructs of people’s beliefs to go back to the rough sketch that stands at the beginning of their loss, their complex, their pain. Maybe that’s why working with children is so motivating and fascinating. They can be saved and yet, I am well aware, some of those sketches already traced in their young lives equal to scars that not even the most advanced theories could cure. But I can sooth them. I can prevent them the torment, the anguish, the recollection at night of those monsters. I feel like a poet would be a better alienist than a philosopher, but I have got no poetry nor philosophy in my veins, but the cold experience of the razor blade judgment of Life itself.

Today I observed a fight among the children at the Institute. Age range between 10 and 12. Boys. The fight was over the possession of a side of the playground, the territory of a pack  of youngsters formed under the name of Steven. Peculiar lad, coming from a military background finds comfort in replicating the schemes he lived in his family. He takes the role of the Father/Captain of the team and subjects children that come from a similar background story, but do not posses his same attitude to the command. All quiet on the front, until the space he declared is own spot got affected by the presence of others.  Intruders. I knowingly let the events unfold to see how Steven would react to his challenged authority. His reaction was, at first, worded, a sketch, a stage-play of an action he witnessed over and over, and he knew the part so well that some of the contending kids lowered their stance against him. Among considering to mildly intervene into this pyramid scheme of authority, another boy, Jan, calls himself on the role of the educator and hero of the masses and proceeds to unfold a wild and well assessed punch on the newly declared dictator face. Balance is established again. No need for me to arbitrate, once more the laws of nature seem to apply to children as in a state of nature.

Meet John Moore over lunch. His job at the newspaper is picking up, he is charmed by the spirits and the wits that he finds in his shared office with all the other writers. He mentions many, goes on and on over qualities and troubles, gossips and tendencies, and even little scandals here and there. To be aware of all those details gives me no interest, but to see a dear friend so invested clearly gives me something to pick up. To consider also the amount of details and the way he describes this or that member of the journal, I can do a small exercise of analysis. It is almost too easy because John is painfully genuine, even some of the kids at the institute would beat him hands down in a battle of lies. The more he likes somebody, the more he goes on about all the details and the characteristics, often letting aside the physical appearance. When he doesn’t like somebody he has a couple of adjectives for the wits and around four or five for the physical aspects that usually indulge on some repulsive idiosyncrasies.  John is a man that painfully fits in the storyline of The Picture of Dorian Gray: to him physical beauty is spiritual beauty and, of course, the other way around. This part of him surely intrigues me, makes me want to tease more from him. But, as a friend, it concerns me as John is way too prone to purposelessly decide that somebody with good eyes is also a good human being, which is a very romantic and admirably naive way of judging matters. I noticed some names that keep repeating in his narration. I dread that it is synonymous of a soon encounter from my side with the objects of his admiration. Fetiches, I dare to say, that I will have to annihilate before they sediment into his mind, perpetuating a narration that soon sees John being mislead by others.

Reserved: Tickets for the Eroica, Symphony n. 3 by Ludwig van Beethoven. Thursday evening.

Note on the show: the first movement lacked the pathos needed to begin with, I am not sure that the guest orchestra really managed to portray the wider emotional ground needed to withstand the whole representation. As the evening progressed there were some outstanding performances by the cellists. Still not approving the choice of reprising the early quick finale movement against the lengthy set of variations and fugue that we are used to in presence of the Eroica. Underwhelming the performance of the horn and oboe, vital in the comprehension of the genius of Beethoven. 

Niki is a new addition of the Institute, quite old for the standards. He is already 16, he will leave when summer ends to some expensive college his family meant him to stay. His parents expect me to make him “normal” in the time we are allowed together.  He is Austrian and I let him act it out like I don’t understand German for the first week of hist stay until today. I believe I hit his pride, which is good, in the moment I answered back to one of his sneaky comments. Now he knows. He is not safe from me, he doesn’t like it. The young man has a tendency to danger, risky tasks and edgy situations. In his mother’s own words “Niki is not afraid of anything”. The phrase didn’t raise any excitement in the father, rather some sort of painful acceptance that is role as the alpha male of the house is probably not only being challenged, but  already diminished, if not abolished. I have taken in consideration that Niki will break himself a bone or two in the process of the therapy, probably out of the spite of boredom or rebellion. It took him less than few days to turn himself into an outcast among the outcasts, which only drives me closer to analyse the complexity of his narcissistic wall of self defence. I gave him a physical challenge to lift a certain weight, he is a pretty skinny one, he didn’t like the challenge, but I am sure he will take it. He is a brainy guy, he hates to be questioned on unfamiliar ground. He won’t sleep at night thinking about it.  A challenge, in this first phase, can only bring me closer to the ease of his pains. To continue the observation.

It is a sad privilege of medicine, in particular the one I practice, to be able to witness the weaknesses of the human nature and the reverse side of life. Nevertheless, I oblige this same privilege of the study as life moves into shades of darkness. To be aware of it gives more solace to my soul than to be victim of patiently waiting for the inevitable unfolding of the events. To be able to understand more about psychology would bring more comfort and elevation to any human being, the times might not be there yet, but eventually something will move into the direction of a more wholesome approach.

Dinner meeting with Sara Howard, at the restaurant Jardin Des Cygnes, 7 pm sharp.  Do not expect to reach the dessert. Do not know if John will be participating due to undeniable tension among the two and the fatal despise of John over French cuisine.

The case that Sara unfolded tonight to my ears feels more and more like pulled out from some gothic book or from the mind of a Roman historian that needed to justify the godly origins of an Emperor. One killing, apparently random, a very constructed iconography over the body. Signs and insults, shapes and drawings. Is this a work of art? Does the killer wants his victim to be his Mona Lisa? His David? I am charmed and destabilised. If this was a murder like any other, then why to spend so much time into it? Based on the description the act of killing itself was quick: a sharp cut over the throat, almost like not wanting to ruin too much the surface to use as base for, what? I keep rerunning those symbols over and over as Sara described them to me, my mind is flooded with the designs of greek philosophers that needed to explain themselves why the sky is above our head and never collapses on us. Hilarious how, no matter the science advancement, in the mind of many the sky stands inevitably overt their shoulders, suffocates them, brings them to a death of the soul and not of the body. Is all this graphic charade indeed only a form to scream for attention?  To stress the eyes of an unaware viewer? It seems ridiculously elaborate, a scream for attention would be quick, it would be like guided by instinct, not reasoning, craftwork. Any man with a knife can paint in blood red the walls of a room and that’s asking for attention. That is the primal howl: look at me! I am here! But this one.  I don’t know yet.

Spent the early morning reading anew my copy of The Metamorphosis by Ovid. Didn’t touch it in a long time and I got bedazzled by the world of terrible sensuality, anger and selfishness of those gods and mortals. I think back at all the deviances and weaknesses of human kind and I try to relate it to all of those humanoid figures. Niki would be a minotaur, the lonesome son left in the labyrinth and his strive for success is his bull’s head. Or maybe a centaur, because of his wits and strategic thinking. I might keep up the process, maybe this is the way to understand my patients better, to understand the killer better. Must remember not to romanticise it. Greek gods were probably the first form of self indulging of a society that needed gods to be forgiving and allowing favours and punishments, but only in exchange of sacrifices. But the sacrifice never comes from the God’s will, but from the will of the man that perpetuates the act of killing. To sacrifice someone or something is the sadistic response to a lack of love deeply inherited in human mind that becomes neurotic. Is the killer giving the God of his own neurosis a body to feast upon? 

I talked with Jan this morning. The young boy is about 10, but he acts like a full grown adult. I could easily asses that’s the reason why he could challenge Steven in that fight. Two children mimicking adults situations they know too well. Jan is son of an industrial man, but he is also son of the dialectics of the industrial revolution. He sounds like he swallowed some of those books about working class rights and communism, probably pushed by a resentful surrounding (mother?uncle? the midwife?) over the social role of his father. As much as incredibly smart and lectured, Jan lost most of his early occasions in life by spending a considerable amount of time using his fists. The anger ever present in the young boy always surprises me, he seems to be holding a power, a strength of a full grown man in those tiny arms. Nevertheless, he is already the tallest of the group. He is surely an idealist, which makes him also tragically fragile. His strength mixed with his heart of gold can make him the best of the heroes or the worst of the villains. He apologised for the fight, he specified how he didn’t like the sound of Steven’s voice, more than the sound, the level of pitch.  I can’t stand somebody shouting orders, I just don’t listen anymore. He is so mature even about his own feelings, almost a gentleman in his chivalry toward the weaker children, honest with his open heart and resentful against any form of injustice.  I am not spared by his ways, he would come at me whenever he feels like I was being partial over some of the kids, his sense of justice blinds him and transform a perfectly balanced boy into a ranging animal.

Ordered book, to be delivered around tomorrow evening: Introduction à la méthode de Léonard de Vinci by Paul Valéry. Suddenly feeling myself as a gross ignorant in art themes. I always regarded myself aware of the artistic personalities and tendencies of present and past, but this new amount of perceptions over the human figure and the human body leads me to document myself more. I could ask John for advice, but he wouldn’t take things at matter that seriously. I can almost hear him say how I can make gruesome a pleasant topic such as art. I should probably wait to see the body to push any further aesthetic study, but I find myself not being able to stop. I reckon, I can allow myself a vice or two.

Today I saw the body of the killed man, courtesy of the Isaacson's. To be fair, I had underestimated it. In Sara’s descriptions, probably due to her more analytic mind, all the charm of the representation got lost in favour of a less cryptic and reasonable understanding of the act. Sara got what some alienists will call a masculine mind, which I don’t perfectly agree on. If I apply that same approach John would be a very feminine mind, all wrapped up in romanticising even the ugliest. I guess that dividing the world in “fragile and gentle” and “strong and powerful” is just easier to explain the fluctuation of something that doesn’t need a real name or a category like human inclinations on thoughts.  I got a feverish sense of patience by looking at the body. Each symbol traced with sapient slowness, dense of the time that the killer spent with the body. That is a work of hours, he had time and meaning. He had resources and was able to spend not less than the time he needed to reach, a vision? An ideal? A message? Is it the message meant to be understood? Am I supposed to unravel it or it is maybe just the way the killer communicates within himself? And if I do decifrate the code, will that bring me closer to him? Or to his next victim?

Reminder: ask John to replicate all the symbols on the bodies in the correct measure and order. It might be needed some hard convincing. Addition: scheduled meeting, his house, 3 pm.

It wasn’t a day like any other when I met you. Or maybe it was, and that’s why I got so struck by it and now I am here playing it over and over through what my memory clung on so desperately. In my own experience, life was often similar to swimming in a lake. Those rich, dense lakes in the north of (illegible cancelled word) were my father used to bring us during summer. I still feel the pull, the draw down toward the abyss. It ashamed me, in a way, the fear that such a simple feeling aroused in my young mind, unaware nevertheless, that such a feeling would follow me through all my existence. It was a prophecy and, like most of the prophecies, was a riddle. I cradle in my heart the charm of those days, the mindless happiness. The foolish feeling of freedom. Little I knew that freedom would be taken away from me that soon, that the body that used to navigate me over the dense waters, helping me to fight the haul toward the unknown, would become my own cage. That day. Today. The day where I met you, the day I was afloat.  The child gasping for air felt the wrench become a gentle push and now he is floating on his back over the scary waters of reality and malice. It gave me relief and it gave me terror, because since that very moment I knew that I would never be able to move on from the sight of you. From the feeling of your eyes lingering on me. From the smile you so easily shone upon me. From the whiff of imported perfume that hit me when you turned on side exploding that swan like neck. And nothing, not even my stern look, could dim that wave of hope that your sole presence washed over me. The abyss roars, calls me to a home of damnation and terror and curses my name and yet you repeated that hell-bound name of mine after me and I felt safe.

John told me so much about you, it feels like I have always known you.

The rope is gone from my neck, the guillotine won’t fall on me, I am spared, I am free.

I have read your latest article, I am thrilled to help with the case.

I am in disbelief.

Your voice.

Dr. Kreizler

How dare you? How dare you to come into my life, to appear, like a vision, mystical, in a way I despised at University when all those theology students talked about the divine. In this very moment I can’t recollect much of what you said, something about the case, about going with John at the obituary. It feels confusing, I feel overstimulated, my memory fails me, I am not sure anymore. I write these few lines and it is passed the hour of the witches and I wish, I demand, to never see you again, because life should never grant hope to a condemned man. 

[rivalsforlife]

Finally Making A Post Of Everything I’ve Ever Thought During The First Two Episodes Of Rings Of Power. I was going to do it sooner but wasn’t doing well for a weekend and then forgot. SO here it is to add to the Tolkien Adaptation Opinions pile while I delay going back to the jackson hobbit movies.

Please keep in mind this (and other posts I’ll make about this show) will have spoilers for stuff that will happen later that’s in the books, on the off chance a) people are reading this b) people don’t know what happens in the books and don’t want to be spoiled for it happening in the show. okay. here it is. This is mostly for me, please don’t feel obligated to read it got really long and rambly.

I’ll try to keep this coherent and go chronologically somewhat but I don’t feel like watching two hours again so I’m going off of memory. I’ll try to be more on top of it for the next episode haha.

SO honestly I wasn’t feeling it for a while but luckily I warmed up to it a bit more as it went on. I wasn’t a fan of the other elves bullying Galadriel in the beginning since she’s like... their princess. (Unless they’re sons of Feanor. I DID spot a redhead. I’m assuming that’s either Amrod or Amras since Maedhros should be quite significantly older than her.) I’ve read stuff since saying that it’s alluding to the kinslaying despite the part where they can’t use the kinslaying since it isn’t mentioned in the appendices and I can appreciate that but it just came off kind of odd to me.

Crazy we got to see Finrod though!! He... did not look how I expected. But honestly I don’t think there will ever be an adaptation that will do the Silm Elves the way I imagine them, except maaaybe if it were animated. I did laugh at the “I won’t always be here to tell them to you” “You won’t?” bit because I do think it’s in character for Mr. “AN OATH TOO I SHALL SWEAR AND MUST BE FREE TO FULFILL IT AND GO INTO DARKNESS”. finrod man can you have a normal conversation with galadriel for once.

Also like I mentioned in my immediate fairly spoiler-free opinions post I made just after I got back from seeing it in the theaters, it is weird seeing them skip over my favorite parts of my favorite book. “We left Valinor and went to Middle-Earth” YEAH A LOT HAPPENED IN BETWEEN THERE. but it’s fine. It’s not a Silm adaptation. It’s fine. It’s fine........

Oh also I did start getting a little teary when I saw the trees, but it was too brief for me. I think if they had a longer scene with the trees and the beauty of Valinor before Morgoth destroyed them it would have Hit a little bit more, but I’ll live.

The main Problem I have is that they seemingly changed Finrod’s death. Or at least didn’t talk about him dying to protect Beren, which I really think is an important thing to keep in given the Ring of Barahir (formerly Finrod’s) is an heirloom of some of the Numenoreans, and if you’re having Galadriel go there why not capitalize on that!! Plus him going after Sauron felt kinda... unnecessary. I think you could totally have Galadriel desiring revenge against Sauron without Finrod also having that vendetta. Like, “My brother was captured and tormented by Sauron” would be vague enough but also consistent with canon. I kind of wonder why they did it that way... 

Anyways I should take this opportunity to talk about The #Girl Of All Time. I like that they didn’t shy away from making her proud and headstrong. Though they did change her motivations to something more relatable than the version I prefer which is the “I want to stay here and rule my own kingdom, because I am more powerful here”. And honestly I’m kind of vibing with it. Like, I love Aragorn, they completely changed him in the Jackson movies, but I still really liked his character in spite of it being different. So I can go with Galadriel here.

The main parts that bugged me about the Galadriel parts is kind of... her status among the elves. Particularly her relationship with Gil-galad. I get GG is the High King and such but Galadriel is his... aunt. cousin once removed. relative who is older than him. who knows. but you don’t get that impression, and she can’t even really go and talk to him herself. Overall GG is the one I’ve been most disappointed by so far, and I’m really hoping that changes as we learn his motivations more, because I really do want to be sad when he dies. I want to be able to potentially accept him as the son of one of my favorite characters. And so far I’m not feeling it.

Elrond too came off a little bit too... insincere at times. Particularly in the first episode. Too politician-y in particular. Which is honestly a major letdown for me considering that I loved all the interviews his actor did. I’m hoping, again, that gets better -- I did like him more in the second episode, so hopefully it was just a bit of a rough start.

ALSO. THE HUAN STATUE. I’m assuming that’s Luthien with him!!! That’s such a nice reference I love it. I also saw a video pointing out another statue seemingly depicting an elf holding the dragon helm of dor-lomin and theorizing it’s FINGON which is also very emotional. Other theories are that it’s Beleg. We didn’t get a close-up shot like the one with Huan so I can’t tell if there’s seemingly “plaits braided with gold” there. but maaaaan fingon :( still the silm death that gets me the most.

Let’s see what else... Galadriel going to Valinor was on my “I Do Not Want This” list. but I think they did it about as well as they could. I get they’re trying to have a representation of her refusal to go to Valinor that’s not just her standing there and saying “I refuse”, and trying to fully capture like the weight of what it means to her to refuse that call, and I can stand by that even though I don’t like the circumstances that she was kind of forced into it by GG and Elrond. The Golden Portal-looking thing felt a little much though it didn’t bother me as much as it bothered my dad. And I didn’t mind her jumping into the ocean honestly. I don’t think it was a calculated decision at all. It was out of desperation to avoid going to Valinor no matter what. like Amroth, which is fitting, though Galadriel got luckier.

... Stuff other than Noldor happened in this first episode too but I have far less opinions on them. 

Harfoots: They’re cute. I like how they still have some of that Hobbit flavor to them with the gossipy ladies. They aren’t my favorite parts because I am tragically whipped for anything Noldor-related, but they’re so far a perfectly fine part of the story.

I’ll just do the episode 2 stuff here since I don’t really have much more to say on specific events. The Stranger... I don’t think he’s Sauron. Though he clearly is a Maiar of some sort. I don’t want him to be Gandalf? I’ll be fine with him being a Blue Wizard. One theory I have going around my head (though I’m not sold on it) is that he’s a maiar of some sort who got tortured by Sauron and escaped in the meteor somehow. I think he’s lost control over his powers which is the cause of the firefly killing thing. It’s interesting how his arrival kind of coincides with Galadriel refusing the call, plus all the stuff GG says about Galadriel inadvertently awakening evil, but I think it would be too much for him to be Sauron right now. I really don’t want Sauron interacting with Hobbits or pre-Hobbits because I think that really takes away from the later third age stuff. so... yeah.

I did have Tom Bombadil as my joke theory but I think he’s way too troubled for him. So... maybe someday Tom :( I believe in you. You’ll get into something that isn’t the bad Soviet TV adaptation of Fellowship or Lego LOTR.

Southlands: It’s an interesting concept considering my immediate reaction to hearing that their ancestors sided with Morgoth was along the lines of “THAT FUCKER ULFANG THAT GOT FINGON KILLED.” so I can buy the elves holding a grudge. It’s an interesting thing with the elves distinctly remembering these people who did things that messed up pretty much everything, and sided with Morgoth, in their own living memory, while for the humans this was a thousand(s) years ago and there’s really no reason for them to still be there.

I don’t love the romance, but I didn’t expect to, because I don’t normally go for those things. The one elf made a comment of “there were only two elf-human romances and they both ended in tragedy” well.......... I get you could argue beren and luthien had a tragic ending but honestly compared to the rest of the first age that’s the happiest ending you can get. And Idril and Tuor are totally fine, the Fall of Gondolin stuff wasn’t really their fault. Think this elf guy needs to brush up on his history :/

Also there’s Aegnor and Andreth which definitely was tragic enough to not actually become a marriage, that’s kind of how I feel this Arondir-Bronwyn thing is going to turn out. (though I think Bronwyn is more likely to die first than Arondir). The kid is definitely a future Nazgul candidate with that sword with the Sauron mark on it. ummm what else. oh yeah they talk about how they had a king that’s going to come back. My bets are either on Halbrand or Theo being descendants/heirs of that king. And then whoever is the heir is absolutely going to be a Nazgul. I was debating if Halbrand could be Theo’s long lost father but honestly I think that’s unlikely, Halbrand mentioned being from the other village that got destroyed, so.

Not loving Halbrand right now either he hasn’t made much of an impression. Hopefully that gets better.

hmmm while we’re talking about Southlands stuff I liked the fight with the orc. It’s a good baseline for how dangerous orcs are for people who aren’t trained fighters! 

ANYWAYS BACK TO THE NOLDOR. CELEBRIMBOR. I was so mad about this because I hated the first picture released of Celebrimbor like I was crushed, but the actor nailed it for me in those five minutes he was around. Right from “true creation requires sacrifice” to the passive-aggressive comments about Gil-galad to the gushing about the dwarves and wanting to see them at work. All fantastic. I just wish he didn’t look like that I’m sorry mr charles edwards. Now I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually.

Anyways, in more detail, I was clutching my popcorn and kind of swinging my legs when they were talking about it being Feanor’s hammer. Forced exposition? I don’t care! They’re talking about Feanor! Every time Feanor is mentioned I’m imagining like... you know that one blind guardian tides of war song where they’re regularly going “FEAAAANOOOOR” that’s what’s going on my head every time I think of him along with pillars of fire and strobe lights. (If you’re still reading this I’m amazed.) I love that Celebrimbor has that hammer. I also liked their little exchange with Elrond talking about the Silmarils being things that created “so much beauty........ and so much pain” and Celebrimbor going “true creation requires sacrifice” THE SACRIFICE OF ELROND’S MOM AND DAD AND YOUR DAD AND UNCLES? I liked that little bit. So much fun. 

And honestly I liked the little invented story about Morgoth and the Silmarils. I don’t think it’s meant for us to take it as canon. But it is a little bit of myth that I do think Celebrimbor would latch onto. And then the “but I aspire to do far more than that” YES! BRING ME THAT CRAZY FEANORIAN ENERGY!!!

Also why do you need that forge done by Spring, mr celebrimbor... I do think it would be a lot of fun if Sauron-as-Annatar is already here. Everyone’s like Halbrand is Sauron! The Stranger is Sauron! No he’s already here he’s already talking about some nice powerful rings. 

The little comment about “The High King... cannot provide that, so he sent me you instead!” with that pained smile. I WANT NOLDOR INFIGHTING. It’s some of the best Silm parts. As the last representative of the house of Feanor Celebrimbor has to bring it against Gil-galad who is either of the House of Fingolfin or the House of Finarfin. I get Celebrimbor isn’t as extreme but a little lingering bit of that old family resentment would be sooo cool to hint at. Especially since like... who does this guy think he is! We don’t even know who is dad is! And he’s going around being the High King! (Like I said I don’t like GG so far.)

Anyways I hope we get Narvi eventually and we get to see him work with Celebrimbor making the Doors of Durin. I want to watch that Star of Feanor get carved into it. Again Celebrimbor has been here for five minutes but he’s my favorite so far, which is deeply embarrassing. I have not improved from being fifteen. I see a Feanorian and I’m spellbound. I liked how excited he was about the dwarves. It felt VERY Feanorian. I know some of them worked with the dwarves and in particular I think Feanor would have loved those guys. So Celebrimbor kind of felt the most... I don’t know how to put it. Enthusiastic. Which he should be! Totally sold on him. And I am SO relieved about that, you have no idea, that I’m willing to set aside the appearance concerns.

okay I should probably talk about the dwarves and not just what Celebrimbor thinks of the dwarves. They’re lots of fun. I do wonder where this Elrond-Durin friendship thing came from? It’s an interesting choice. Khazad-dum is beautiful, I liked the relationship between Durin and Disa, so I overall don’t have any complaints here. But I also don’t have a ton to gush about because I’m not as crazy about dwarves as I am about the Noldor. You may be able to tell.

What DOES interest me is what’s in that box at the end... it looks glowy. The obvious and simplest and best answer is that it’s Mithril. Maybe they just found it in Khazad-dum. The absolute batshit theory that’s in my head (along with the “Maglor is in this” and “the Stranger is Tom Bombadil” theories) is that it’s a Silmaril. It would be Maedhros’s Silmaril. That would break me beyond repair. It would also be really bad and really funny. If it IS a Silmaril I want nothing less than Elrond going “PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM OR SO HELP ME.” but obviously it’s going to be mithril. 

... okay the thing is when I saw this in theaters I THOUGHT I heard the Valinor leitmotif when they opened the box which would definitely be a Silmaril hint, but when I rewatched when it was actually out it definitely was not that, but had some of the notes that play when you’re in Celebrimbor’s place, which is definitely more fitting for it being mithril, so crisis averted. 

uh does that cover everything? I think that covers everything I had immediate opinions on. I didn’t take notes for this which I probably should have done... well. Episode 3 is next, it’s actually surprisingly common for me to get hooked on stuff on episode 3, so I’m hoping they do that for me. It’s definitely numenor time this time which will be fun. earendil statue here I come! and maybe we’ll get to see something about that cult of morgoth eventually.

But an overall summary of my thoughts so far:

The Best: Celebrimbor

The Good: Dwarves, Harfoots, Southlands, Galadriel (with some reservations on her storyline)

The Mediocre: Elrond

The Uhh I Hope We Fix This Quick: Gil-galad

Overall I’d put it at about a 7/10. Lots of stuff I’m excited for or am at least wiling to hear out until they fully convince me about it. I’m a bit put off by some of the changes to lore re: Finrod, Gil-galad presumably forcing people to go to Valinor. But they’ve still got some time to go to convince me of that.

Look the only other adaptation that’s covering some second-age stuff we have is the Shadow of Mordor/War games talking about Celebrimbor. So as long as they do better than that (which is not hard!) I will be content. That’s my baseline and so far they are well above it ESPECIALLY on the celebrimbor front. 

I’ve been typing for an hour. I’m going to stop now. Thanks for bearing with me and if you actually read all that... incredible. Have a virtual cookie from me.

[aliatori]

Hey! I'm going to ask for L, O, T, S (and let you pick which one(s) you want to answer :B)

Oh hey lio, thanks for the asks. <3 Lucky for you, you get the answers to all 4, since L and T are here and I’ll answer the other two in this post.

O: What motivates you to write?

My half-serious and off the top of the head answers: deadlines where I risk disappointing someone if I miss it… and spite. So much spite.

Joking aside, the answer to this varies on several fronts. For original fiction, a lot of my writing motivation stems from wanting to follow a passing idea down the rabbit hole, wherever that might lead. A few recent stories started with questions/concepts like ‘What would an isolated village where residents are cursed to never look in a mirror look like, and why are they cursed?’ or ‘Orpheus/Eurydice, except Orpheus is toxically obsessed and gets as many chances as he wants to ‘rescue’ her, and Eurydice is a genderfluid demigod who gets more powerful every time she’s sent—or sends herself, bloodily and messily—back to hell’.

When I’m in a period writing for fandom, I mostly want to see my faves in whatever tropey situations I like, subverted or not. Since I tend to pick… uh, Canon’s Least Loved ™ characters as my faves (insert me looking longingly at a certain Prince’s Shield or a white-haired Empress to be who dresses all in red), it’s often a ‘If you want something done, do it yourself’ that motivates me to write whatever I have in mind. I’m also a flagrant multishipper, but usually in the sense where I ship my fave(s) with almost everyone and want to explore those dynamics.

There’s also some truth to the opening jokes. When I’m in a slump OR when I want to keep writing motivation going, I’ll often seek out an exchange that sounds interesting so I’m ‘forced’ to write. This is incidentally how The Forsaken and the Forsworn became a thing, so success levels vary from ‘fun exchange’ to ‘holy shit I’m on month three and counting of constant obsession’. And I’m not exactly proud of the whole spite/contrarianism motivation, but hey, sometimes you see a bad take in passing and channel it into creativity.

In general, giving myself permission not to feel obligated to share things and have fun with it has been helpful in motivating me to sit down and put words to documents. (We won’t talk about how I’ve needed find other motivation for when I do need to eventually share said words, hahaha.) Thinking of the dopamine hit of putting the finishing line down on a one shot or shorter piece is often enough to get me in the chair, and for longer projects, thinking of getting to The Next Big, Exciting Scene is my carrot to chase.

And this is perhaps the most bitter pill to swallow but… sometimes waiting for motivation is like waiting for rain in the desert. It’s a regular occurrence where I sit down, set a timer, and agree with myself to work on my current project for X amount of time. I like it when I feel motivated, but it can be a luxury feeling, especially when life or mental health isn’t cooperating but I still want to get stuff done.

S: Would you let a stranger off the streets read your first drafts?

If this requires a yes or no answer alone, abso-fucking-lutely not.

If I can add some addendums, I’d say it depends. It would be far more likely for my original work, especially if I got to elevator pitch the stranger first and let them decide if they’re interested. I like my writing a lot, but I also realize M-E rated speculative queer work isn’t going to be everyone’s cup of tea.

For fanfiction, I would sooner eat a kilo of black licorice in one sitting than show them to a stranger on the streets, though I’ve thrown rough stuff up on Tumblr and such. My poetry and essay first drafts are between me, my hard drive, and the gods alone; nothing horrifies my private Scorpio nature than letting my messy, raw, emotional work be seen before thorough editing for craft purposes.

[prince-of-elsinore]

On the Weechesters that could have been

Or, Supernatural has a flashback problem

So, I've been thinking a lot about Dean's confession ("I didn't know what I would've done if I didn't have you," "it was always you and me") and how it shapes my view of season one and my pre-series headcanons. On the one hand, it really only confirms what we could already infer, but on the other, it enshrines as canon, beyond a doubt, just how big a deal the events of the pilot were to Dean, how much he wanted and needed Sam in his life. Meaning Dean already knew back then that Sam was it for him. It's possible he didn't fully examine or accept this until after Sam had left, but either way, the groundwork for that need was laid in their childhood. Despite various complaints Dean has voiced over the years (either jokingly or seriously) about having to look after Sam, all he wanted at 26 was to have his brother at his side again, and that could only arise from true affection and attachment--and yeah, an unhealthy dose of codependency.

And we know the affection and codependency run both ways, even if it wasn't as explicitly stated on Sam's part, especially in season one. Personally, I trust Jared Padalecki to understand Sam best, and he's said that Sam's happiest moment was committing to getting back on the road with his brother--despite the fact that back then, Sam's assumption was that he would return to his normal life after they found Jess's killer. Jared has also said something to the effect of "Sam loved his father and brother so much he had to leave" which definitely reframes his decision to go to Stanford--because of, rather than in spite of, his love. How to make sense of these statements? They only track if Sam really is just as smitten (in the platonic sense) as Dean. In spite of whatever resentment he had towards Dean, he loved him (keep in mind, the deeper the love, the deeper the potential resentment) and, importantly, liked him, and was intrinsically tangled up in him. Everything Sam does and says makes perfect sense if you accept that Sam loved his family, but hated hunting. Of course he's upset that the father and brother he loves and needs go out and risk their lives all the time. He's right to be. And of course he would be especially upset that his brother doesn't even try to imagine a different life for himself, that he takes their father's word as law despite the damage it does to Dean. And, when Sam finally does leave, it hurts him that Dean doesn't try to understand his decision because it would shake Dean to his foundations to consider that Sam might be right, let alone to consider following him out of the life (as I believe Sam would have preferred, though he probably knew it was a lost cause). Dean can only see it as Sam abandoning him, even though for Sam it was always about leaving hunting, never about leaving his brother. Sam wanted nothing more than his brother on his side, by his side, and it broke his heart when Dean seemed to choose John over Sam. The tragedy of the Stanford split is that Sam and Dean each thought their worst fear was confirmed--for Dean, that Sam didn't need him, and for Sam, that Dean hated him--even though this really wasn't the case.

So, why this digression about the old Stanford grievance and the boys' headspaces in the pilot? Because I wish so much we got to see how they got there--and the flashback episodes, for the most part, do not show us. In fact, there's a frustrating pattern of flashbacks that don't really corroborate this textually-supported characterization of young Sam and Dean. Almost universally, the flashbacks concentrate on the brothers in isolation from each other, either physically or emotionally (or both). That's not to say that they're all bad episodes or that they don't reveal other important information about Sam and Dean. It does, however, give an overall skewed impression of their "normal" as kids, and presents something of a paradox in considering the Winchesters' childhood. We see, textually, that the brothers must have been extremely attached to each other growing up, beyond just Dean's sense of duty to look after Sammy (which is hammered home again and again, and again...), but this isn't the impression most flashbacks give. Let's take a closer look:

1x18 Something Wicked--Sam is too young to be much of player. It's all about Dean and his sacrifices/responsibility for Sam--all important stuff, but aside from Sam offering Dean the prize in the cereal box, there isn't much evidence of actual affection between them. Dean appears only put upon--fair enough for a young kid given such (way too much!) responsibility, but it's to the complete exclusion of any potential positive emotion, even fondness, for Sam.

3x08 A Very Supernatural Christmas--This flashback is the exception, and it's why it's my favorite! This was a crucial moment for the brothers in their young lives, when they chose each other over anyone else. Sam trusts Dean, not his father. Dean tries to put on a nice Christmas for Sam because he feels it's his job, yes, but he then experiences genuine gratitude when Sam gives him the pendant. They lean on each other. They comfort each other. In short, we see the why and the how of their relationship. I wish every flashback accomplished what this one does.

4x13 After School Special--The focus is mostly on Sam and his relationship with Barry and that English teacher, with a big emphasis on Sam's dissatisfaction with his life. That's super important, but I can't think of any moment between Sam and Dean that reads like anything other than pretty average brothers... which they are decidedly not. The episode drives home the diverging desires of the brothers more than anything.

5x16 Dark Side of the Moon--Not strictly a flashback episode, but we do glimpse important memories in Sam and Dean's heaven. Dean's 4th of July memory is iconic for a reason--it's one of those rare moments we really see why these brothers feel the way they do about each other. They're having actual fun together--the only time we get to see young Winchesters doing that! We all know which of Sam's memories were in heaven, though, and how that made Dean feel. Now, it makes sense that Sam would cherish moments when he was getting away from The Life, but the fact that the writers again chose to prioritize this (beat a dead horse, one could say), over showing a single good memory Sam had of the family he supposedly (actually, really!) loves, feels wrong and motivated solely by the plot's need for more artificial brother drama. Could anyone really blame a casual viewer for believing that Sam doesn't love his brother as much as Dean loves him? And yes, one can make excuses--Sam probably had lots of heaven memories of Dean that weren't shown! Zachariah was messing with them!--but it's still on the writers to make that clear.

5x23 Swan Song--I'm including this one for the flashes we get of little Sam and Dean in the Impala. These are beautiful moments, but it amounts to telling, not showing: we get toy soldiers and legos, and a brief shot of Sam and Dean carving their initials. What we don't see is the impetus behind that action. We are essentially told how to feel about these things. (Don't get me wrong, I think it's still a really well done episode and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel exactly what it wanted me to feel--I'm just pointing out a pattern.)

7x03 The Girl Next Door--Dean is only present as a voice on the other end of a phone call (do we even hear him? Can't remember. Don't think so). Oh, and Sam has doubts, yet again, about hunting monsters. Hm, I think we've been here before. Sam has an instant connection with a girl he just met and he seems ready to put her before his family. I get that he doesn't want her to die, which is sympathetic. But again, one would be forgiven for thinking he does not care about--or even actively hates--both John and Dean. Maybe he does hate them a little bit in this moment, and wouldn't that be interesting to explore? (Cue Jared saying Sam had to leave because he loved John and Dean so much! He couldn't stand the thought of it all turning to resentment! It makes so much sense!) But, alas, the episode just doesn't go there.

9x07 Bad Boys--This time it's the Dean show, and we get to see Dean finding happiness away from his family, even if he needs some time to warm to the apple pie life. Okay, cool to know this about Dean. And the moment at the end is interesting, and gratifying for brothers fans, since Dean doesn't seem pulled back out of a mere sense of grudging obligation to Sam--he gives such a genuine, loving smile when he sees him. He wants to go back to Sam. But it's just a gesture, telling rather than showing again. We don't know why Sam makes him feel that way.

11x08 Just My Imagination--The only brother interaction, over the phone, doesn't reveal much about how the brothers feel about each other, though it does hint that Dean would ultimately come down on their father's side when John and Sam were at odds. Dean asks John, on Sam's request, to bring Sam along on a hunt, but he doesn't press the issue when John refuses. If anything, this leaves me more curious than ever about what the good in their relationship looked like, if Sam was so often disappointed by Dean's kowtowing to their father.

Sully seems a bit like English Teacher 2.0, encouraging young Sam to figure out what he wants for himself and reject the family business. I think it's quite well done and sweet, actually, and it's nice that in the end Sully actually thanks adult Dean for looking after Sam (how rare for anyone to acknowledge that), and Dean likewise comes to appreciate Sully. In the flashbacks, we learn that Sam was eager to join in hunts when he was little, which is interesting and sad when you think about how that changed. Already, though, he must feel pretty ambivalent, because he's seriously considering running away at the same time. Ultimately, Sam chooses his family--articulating that what he wants is to be with his dad and Dean--and rejects Sully's message of self-determination. He makes the decision that may not be best for him, but he's motivated by love. It seems in character, and hints at the claustrophobic pull of the Winchester family. Yet again, though, we are left to fill in the blanks ourselves about why Sam wants to be with his dad and Dean. In fact, the motivations for his two apparently conflicting desires--to stay or run away--are never very clearly laid out. We don't know what, specifically, Sam doesn't like about the hunting life, when part of him also wants to hunt, and we don't know what it is about his family--what good memories, desires, or needs--that draws him back to it.

15x16 Drag Me Away (From You)--It's unfortunate that the young actors had no chemistry whatsoever, but the script also didn't do them any favors as far as displaying their dynamic. Dean has a moment of vulnerability (if you squint) over Sam thinking about college, but aside from that, it's almost amazing how little the brothers interact, given that they're staying in a motel together, on their own. What a missed opportunity. Can you imagine if the episode had focused even a little more on Sam and Dean, rather than on their interactions with those other random kids? If it had given us just a fraction of the relationship "A Very Supernatural Christmas" managed to show in such an understated, poignant way? You wouldn't know these brothers liked or loved each other from this episode. When Dean said "We made a good team" I was honestly baffled because they barely did anything together. You could argue Dean was reaching with that statement because he was desperate, but again, there's nothing actually shown to back that up.

Ultimately, what these flashbacks show can all be true--it doesn't negate what we know about Sam and Dean from the show's present. Of course, like any brothers, they teased and annoyed the hell out of each other. Of course they had vastly diverging desires for themselves and their lives--that's sort of the premise of the show and characters in the early seasons. These aspects of their relationship are true, but these aspects are not the whole story, which is why it's frustrating that almost every flashback focuses exclusively on these things. From the flashbacks alone, you might think Dean is only about "protect Sammy" (and later, "order Sammy around") and Sam is only about "I hate my life (and by extension, family)." Most of us could tell all along--and the finale confirms--that there's another story underneath this one, though, of two brothers who are soulmates, destined to find each other like magnets again and again.

But this requires the astute viewer to do a lot of legwork in characterizing the brothers' childhood dynamic beyond what's shown--partly as a result of some logistical and practical issues (especially with child actors), to be sure, but mostly of lazy writing. There's a difference between respecting your audience's intelligence enough not to spoon-feed them every detail, and expecting them to pick up the slack and make excuses when your characterization and plotting is inconsistent or one-note. This is far from the most egregious example of this in Supernatural, but the finale had me thinking more closely about what is canon for the pre-series era, and it drove home how much it applies to the flashbacks.

So what would I have liked to have seen? What it comes down to is interaction between the brothers. The only flashback where we have both brothers in equal focus, interacting with each other rather than outside characters, is "A Very Supernatural Christmas." It's impossible to show the progression and significance of a relationship when you consistently show only one side of it at a time (or don't even focus on said relationship when both parties are in the same room--looking at you, 15x16). Sam and Dean are the heart of the show, and they should have--together--been the heart of the majority of flashbacks. It's not that Sam wasn't a lonely kid, but as Dean says to Sam in "Just My Imagination": "You had me!" Of course, Dean's memory is skewed--he isn't thinking about all the times he went off with John on a hunt and left Sam behind, and hell, even when Dean was supposed to be babysitting, we know from "Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie" that he sometimes dumped Sam. But I can't believe that Dean is totally wrong, either. Sam and Dean must have been each other's best--only--friends, living the life they did. What we see rarely looks like friendship, and it certainly doesn't track as a basis for the codependency we see in the series present, starting with the pilot. That didn't come from nowhere, though.

I would have loved to have seen that first hunt Sam went on in Milwaukee, after he left Sully. I would have loved to have seen Dean, proud of his little brother becoming a hunter. Or Dean, looking out for Sam on a hunt (and treating Sam's peril like a bigger deal than he does in 15x16, where it barely phases him). I wish I'd seen the moment that made Sam reject a future as a hunter, after his initial excitement. Did something happen on a hunt? Was it the violence of it? The brutality against a monster with a human face? Or the peril? Was there a moment when Sam's life was in danger? Or perhaps, a moment when John's or Dean's was, that scared Sam even more? I wish I'd seen Sam grappling with how leaving hunting would mean leaving the family he loves. I wish I'd seen him mention it to Dean, try just once to convince him to try a different life, and get shot down. I wish I'd seen more of the Dean who wants to give Sammy the world, struggling with the increasingly impossible task of balancing Sam's wants and needs with John's orders. Dean, caught in the middle of their arguments and torn apart by it. Sam, hurt when Dean doesn't back him up. Dean, terrified that Sam might actually follow through with that college pipe dream. Perhaps all of this would have been indulgent (not to mention difficult to film, with the right child actors and JDM), but even part of it would have allowed for some nuanced characterization.

More than anything, though, I would have liked to have seen a few more of the good memories, because they are actually important to understanding the characters and the story. It's not about fluff; it's about showing rather than telling. What are the good memories that made Sam love Dean and even his dad? Sam's anger towards their father is all the more compelling and believable if there is a fierce love underneath the layers of resentment and betrayal. And you know what's even more sad than a kid whose dad didn't make it home for X occasion? A kid whose dad did come home, just once, and the kid who enshrines that one perfect memory because they don't realize how messed up it is that it's such a rarity. Or, if it wasn't John making it home for one holiday, maybe it was the one time Sam remembers getting John's approval in some way--it could be any number of small things. The good that a character holds onto, no matter how small a scrap, says a lot about them. And the same goes for Sam and Dean. Where was Sam the social outcast, wanting but struggling to fit in, grateful that at least he doesn't have to put on a pretense of normality around his brother? Dean, feeling the same, though he'd never admit it? Dean, talking Sam up rather than tearing him down? How they felt safe, comfortable, only with each other? Even if they both had to act a certain way to earn the other's approval or admiration, that act must have felt worth it for the reward. Where was the Sam that looked up to and tried to emulate Dean, and the Dean that cherished that more than anything? Where were the moments of fun, the contentment Dean felt when he managed to put a smile on Sammy's face? The small acts of rebellion that united them, however briefly, against both their father and the world? The fireworks scene has to do so much heavy lifting all on its own, in the face of all the flashbacks that repeatedly give the opposite impression.

People are complex, of course, and we're fortunate to have two such complex characters as Sam and Dean. Both the good and the bad of their childhood, and their relationship with each other, are true, but the writers chose to emphasize one side much more than the other when it came to the flashbacks. As much as I'm a believer in the power of the audience's imagination and of transformative works, it is still up to the writers to guide that imagination in a certain way. Unfortunately, in the case of the flashbacks, that guidance is off-track and unbalanced at best, and negligent misguidance at worst. The story of Sam and Dean only makes sense with a more balanced picture. It only works if it really is about two brothers who love each other more than anything. It only makes sense if there's much more to their childhood relationship than we were shown. Now that the series is over, we won't be getting any more flashbacks (unless prequel series? Unlikely haha), so we're left to fill in these gaping blanks on our own. At least the finale gave us some good crumbs to work with.

[ohnobjyx]

Plum blossoms in the snow (II)

Part 4: April and May (II)

Disclaimer: I try to keep things objective (if I include my personal opinion, it’s in cursive and in brackets), but I’m biased because of the XZ friendly content I’m usually exposed to and by my own views of their situation. Open to discussion, but please make sure you’ve enough information to do so.

(There was a mistake in the last post, that an anon pointed out. I’ve edited the post. Thank you!)

In May, some of the controversy resurfaced, in the topic of how idols and celebrities affect the younger generations, and, even how they affect younger generations by affecting those in charge of their education.

TV documentary

At the beginning of May, a documentary appeared on the news about a mother worried for her high school daughter, who neglected her studies “because she was infatuated with XZ”. Among other things, she’d ask for money to buy XZ’s new song (0’5 by the way) and she’d borrow money from her classmates to buy things he endorses.

Her daughter also appeared on the documentary, saying that her academic performance has nothing to do with XZ, but rather with the pandemic situation, as she’s not used to online classes. It turned out that she had skipped a grade, and entered high school directly from 2nd year of middle school, so she lacked the support of a network of friends and encouragement in her new situation. She said that as soon as she got her motivation back, she’d keep studying.

However, general public sided with her mother, and said that this kind of obsession with an idol was leading the youths astray.

Interview with Economic View

XZ also gave an interview, for the first time since 2/27, for Economic View, alking about many topics, the “XZ fans incident” among them (I found this video with subtitles, and I think the subtitles are quite good).

He said, among other things:

“Everything happened in the climax of the country’s fight against the epidemic. I was deeply troubled and worried while I was quarantined at home. I also felt very if this incident has brought trouble to netizens. If that’s the case, from here, I want to say a sincere ‘I’m sorry’.

Since my debut to now, I’ve never ceased to receive well-meaning criticism and guidance. I went from being a normal person to go on to the stage. From my friends, from seniors… I’m always open to them. But of course, there is malicious criticism, some fake rumours and slander, that I think don’t affect just me, but also my friends and family. I don’t feel wronged. I just don’t understand.

When I was 19-20, and I first used w/ibo, I didn’t realize. That in such a public platform, I made inappropriate comments that have hurt other people. I apologize for the consequences of the inappropriate comments I’ve made in the past.”

He also said that the fans always did public welfare projects in his name, and that he got energy from them.

“I hope fans can live their own lives well, and don’t resort to extreme actions to hurt others or themselves.”

This interview was of course praised for showing responsibility and answering almost all questions. We can all notice that his responses are very carefully worded, that he takes his time thinking about what he’s going to say and how, and that his answers are very calculated. Don’t misunderstand me. He did it very well in this interview, and I don’t think he was insincere, but he needed to be very careful about what he said at the time.

Other idols and their sasaengs

On the 9th of May, WYB posted the following:

“I work very hard, can’t I even nap for a bit in the car? My staff stood in front of your car, and you still dared to drive forward? For a long time, strangers come and knock my hotel room’s door, they install tracking devices in my car, there’s people following me no matter where I go… unbelievable! I really can’t understand you!”

A crazy fan had followed him on her car. When the security had tried to stop her, stepping in front of her car, she still tried to drive forward.

To this, UNIQ OFFICIAL account expressed their support like this:

“Against this kind of vile behaviour, report to the police! Let the law investigate their legal responsibility! To those who go against other people’s security and don’t respect your privacy, zero tolerance!”

The teacher’s incident

On the 10th, XZ posted:

“Please listen to me carefully once more! I wish you to take good care of your studies, careers, personal lives, and to place them before “chasing stars”. Study hard, take your job seriously. Be responsible and assume your obligations, follow the rules of your career and abide by professionalism. I don’t your help.”

This message may seem harsh to some of their fans. So, why did XZ publish such a comment?

A primary school teacher had posted a video of his students cheering for XZ. This angered a lot of netizens, who said that she was using a position of power to “indoctrinate” young children to like this idol. The haters affirmed that she was guiding the children to “chase” stars, and that she’s a bad influence (I actually agree with this one, you really shouldn’t do this in a classroom, but to involve XZ again is going too far).

XZ and the teacher were reported to the authorities. The Ministry of Education answered that the teacher had been suspended from her job and the school’s director had received a formal reprimand. The teacher’s w/ibo account had also been blocked. This is the main reason for XZ’s post.

Talking about unreasonable responses, after this incident with the teacher, the next day the topic “XZ’s supertopic teachers group” went on hot search in w/ibo. A group consisting of more than 1000 teachers, all fans of XZ, had been formed inside the supertopic. This was widely questioned by the netizens and haters.

To be fair, this didn’t happen just to XZ. Around the same time, another video emerged, with a teacher encouraging his kindergarten students to cheer for Wang Junkai. So with this incident, the Ministry of Education started to pay attention to similar content.

On the 14th, XZ forwarded an article by People’s Daily about teachers using their students to cheer for their idols and asking 

“Don’t go beyond the limits of your professionalism. Don’t leave the circle of rationalism. The fan quan can’t circle everything” (”quan” means circle)

Many more teachers were reported, and in response, the XZ’s fans association posted this:

“There are many voices criticizing XZ’s fans right now. We accept the criticism. XZ has told his fans to “pursue the idols” in a civilized and rational way, but some still display unreasonable behaviour. These actions have a great negative impact on him. We apologize to him and to other fans in their name.”  

This even extended to a teacher teaching a course of cyber-violence. She used XZ as an example of cyber violence and haters’ attack. This was brought again to the authorities by the haters, and she was suspended from her job. Luckily, her students and their parents were very supportive and defended her, so she came back to her post.

(This was just ridiculous. Really).  

This is quite a curious thing: even though we can see that objectively, this teacher didn’t do anything wrong, the department deemed her at fault due to the large number of reports.�� 

(It’s a thinking that goes along the lines of “if a lot of people think she has done something wrong, then she must have done something wrong”.)

So if haters can’t find anything to criticize in XZ, they’ll turn to his fans.

More support...

15th of May. A screenwriter and director posted a comment praising XZ and lamenting about his situation. The next day, he updated saying that he had been attacked in private comments because of his post, so he was very angry by it (he was angry with haters, not with xz).

On that day a photographer that had worked with him also praised him, saying he was humble and polite. He was also attacked by haters and antis, saying he had only praised XZ out of all the idols he had worked with, so he had to have ulterior motives, such as being paid by his studio or insulting the other idols in disguise.

People noticed that if someone defends XZ, no matter who they are, they’ll be attacked. No matter what XZ does, he’ll be criticized by some. If he doesn’t do anything, the haters turn on to his fans. Hater were trying to destroy every effort he made, and they managed it easily at first. After each appearance in public, he faces all kinds of comments. So conspiracy theories surged, about a mastermind behind the haters.

Even the lawyer that was managing XZ’s case was attacked by haters.

(Who in his right state of mind calls a lawyer with their own mobile phone to insult them? This logic and rationale amazes me…)

... and a little disappointment

At the end of May, the photos of him filming a episode of the season 2 of 青春环游记 were leaked on S/na News. He did participate in the recording, but the episode didn’t include him in the end (aired mid-June). A worker said they had been feeling pressure from various fronts, and finally felt that it’d be best not to include him (I suppose they feared the pressure from the antis).

In the midst of disappointment, his fans mostly reacted by keeping a positive attitude: “he posted two selfies lately, he shot a cute video making a drink (the douyin video), he seems in a good mood in all them. With them he was trying to cheer us fans. He has told us not to be used by others, not to get carried away by antis, not believe rumours, and to not be suspicious of his studio. What’s an episode in a variety show? He got paid anyway just for recording it. Let’s not cry over it.”

Truly, in spite of everything that happened at February and March, I think this is the kind of comments he deserves from his fans: people who are a little bit sad because he didn’t make it to the episode in the end, but who are still supporting him, waiting for his next project and listening to what he says.

←Part 4 (I): Plum blossoms in the snow (I) | Part 5 and 6: A snowy summer→

[adhdeancas]

I wrote some fuck John Winchester comfort with Destiel fluff because I was feeling it. Read it on AO3 here or 

Dean can admit it. He has a problem with avoiding his problems. He does it in his head, in real life, all the time. Anytime he can get away from what he’s afraid of without it instantly killing him, he’ll do it. He’ll run.

So he does. He doesn’t stop driving because he knows the second he does he’s going to hear those wings and then he’ll have to confront that horrible acid rising in his stomach that he’s so ashamed of. 

Eventually though, he feels that tug on his heart and he knows what it means. And it feels like mom’s come home early and found him with a dirty room, it feels like panic. But he stops the car and he climbs out and he tries not to shake or throw up. He hugs his little brother. He breathes in the fresh air for the first time since he got there. 

“Dad’s here?” 

And Dean hears it like it’s far away, because he hasn’t been tuning into the conversation he’s been having. Because he feels like the second he does he’ll have to start to face it again, and he can’t do that. “Yeah, I guess,” he’s muttering, and he’s staring past Sam, and Sam stoops down until Dean has to focus.

“You okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m… yeah, I’m fine.” He’s in heaven, why isn’t he fine. He’s in heaven, and he really won’t ever be happy.

“Dean. Did something happen?” 

“Sam.” Dean doesn’t know what the fuck to say. He doesn’t know how to tell Sam that thinking about doing any of it, the things he wants to do and the things he doesn’t, makes him want to throw up. 

“I want to go see Mom. Let’s go see Mom.” Sam sounds decisive, sounds like he’s trying to motivate Dean. Sounds good and happy. That’s good. 

“Dad’s with Mom.” Dean snaps out of the fog for long enough to look up at his little brother, who has just a slight crease between his eyebrows. 

“Uh… yeah. Jack’s doing, right? Let’s go.” He gets in the car, and Dean gets in too, because he can’t stand the fresh air anymore, and he puts his foot on the gas. 

-------

When they get there Dean has finally stopped shaking, through sheer force of will, but that doesn’t make him feel any more solid on the inside. He lets Sam take the lead and follows them to the little white house, picket fence out front and everything. Sam shouts out and John comes outside, looking the same as the last day he saw him. Minus the scratches and all. Dean watches Sam hug their dad and his head hurts, but he stands his ground. 

John approaches him with a small smile and Dean tries to return it. He really does. But then his mind goes over all the things his brain had travelled to during his drive. All the times he’d gone hungry. And alone. And afraid. All the hugs he’d been too afraid to ask for. All the bedtime stories he’d read and the ones he’d never got to hear. All the stern looks and the drunk rages and the fear and the obligation. And then it flips to Cas’s face, full of so much love and hope and belief that Dean was worth… more. 

His dad hugs him. Dean isn’t shaking anymore. He’s vibrating. He’s angry. 

John invites them in and Dean acknowledges it in his head. John. That’s who he is to Dean.

They sit down at the table, pass around beers. Dean looks over at Sam and he seems to mirror back the concern Dean had been hoping to send his little brother’s way. He had always been the one with a problem with John, after all. But Sam seems to be holding it together. Definitely keeping a distance, but staying polite. Real smiles. Not like Dean’s half-hearted winces. 

“So, where’s Mom?” John stays standing, which makes Dean feel like a child again. He doesn’t like it. 

John shrugs. “She’s out. Y’know. She doesn’t stay here all the time.”

“Are… are you guys not… together? Anymore?” Dean scoffs, smiles wryly down at his ripped beer label and shakes his head. Sam sounded like he did when they first found out Chuck was God. Sam snaps his head to look at Dean, but he doesn’t say anything. They wait for John’s response. 

“Uh… to be honest, I’m not really sure.” John finally seems to let down his guard. He smiles at the pair of them. “Sounds like I’m not the only one with issues in that department.” 

He looks at Dean pointedly. Dean can feel Sam staring too, but Dean just meets John’s eyes with a level glare. John is trying to be fatherly, trying to bond in their mutual miseries. Trying to act like him and Cas are anything like him and Mary. “Yeah, I wonder why that is.” He says dully instead. He pushes his chair out and stands up, done with this. Done with pretending to respect this man. 

“Dean-” Sam starts to get up, starts to try to play the Dean in the situation, to cool everyone down and make it better. Except it won’t work, because now there aren’t any monsters to distract them. It’s just their fucked up family dynamic and the rage boiling in Dean’s stomach. 

“No, Sammy, I need to say this. I never got to say this. You did, you did, but I-” He shakes his head and the tears are back, and his finger is pointing at his father, who’s still leaning against the kitchen counter like this is nothing. 

“Then say it, son.” He gestures ahead. 

“Don’t you act like that.” Dean slams the beer back down on the table and walks around to stand in front of it. “You never once let me talk, so don’t after all this time act like you’re Mister Rogers, nuh uh!” The anger is boiling over him now. He can’t even stand it. He can’t decide what to scream about first. “And don’t you dare act like our situations are in any way the fucking same, because they’re not!” 

Sam finally stands up now. From the way he holds an arm out to Dean, he seems legitimately scared Dean might try and beat their father up. “Dean, what’re you talking about?” 

John raises his eyebrows. Dean watches him process the information that his sons are still keeping secrets from each other and it makes him feel like a carbon fucking copy. “I’m talking about our love lives, Sam.” He breaks away from John’s gaze to look Sam in the eyes. He was gonna come out to Sam right here in front of John just to spite him. “Cas and I… before he died, he told me he loved me.” He swallowed hard, jaw tightening to watch Sam’s reaction. Sam’s eyes widened for a microsecond before they blinked back to normal.

“Oh. And you…” 

Now this wasn’t a moment he wanted to have here. “Yeah. Kinda always have.” Always have loved him. Always have loved guys. 

“Oh. Dean, that’s… that’s great.” 

He sounded so earnest, looked so earnest it brought tears to Dean’s eyes. He did okay with raising that one, yeah, he did. “It will be.” He shot a look over to John before he bit the bullet. Anger was always his greatest motivator. “CASTIEL! Get your lily-white ass down here!” 

Dean felt him before he saw him. Cas put a hand on his shoulder and Dean turned around to look at him. He looked as good as always. He was still wearing that stupid trenchcoat. Dean couldn’t help the grin come over his face. He grabbed Cas’s hand off his shoulder and held it. Cas looked the most confused he’d ever seen him, which was saying a lot. So Dean started talking. “Cas I should’ve called you. I should’ve called you the second Bobby told me you were here, but… I’m a dumbass. But I’m not gonna be. I’m not gonna be a coward, that’s not how I-” He’d been about to say that’s not how I was raised. He spared a look at John, whose lips had tightened into a single line. It gave him the courage in spite to keep going. “That’s not who I want to be.” 

Cas glanced between the three of them, obviously spending a longer second analyzing the expression on Dean’s face before opening his mouth. “Dean, I never meant to make you scared.” 

Dean laughed. He couldn’t help it. He laughed at his dumb friend’s sincere face and squeezed his hand. “Cas, buddy, you’ve never scared me. Not once.” 

The corner of Cas’s mouth popped up. “What about when we first met?” 

Dean shook his head. “Nah. Just a little starstruck.” He heard Sam snort behind him but it couldn’t wipe the grin off his face. 

“Then why…?” 

Why not call?

Dean nodded, chewing his lip. “I was scared. I was freaked the fuck out. But you know what, that’s not on you, and that’s not on me, that’s on him.” He pointed a finger back at John, who frowned deeper at him. “All that shit he taught me growing up, about taking care of Sammy and fighting all my life? Treating me like a fucking weapon when I was just a kid?” He could feel a tear escape his traitor eyes, but he didn’t brush it away. Mostly because Cas was looking at him with so much pride it hurt. “Fuck that. It’s not true. You made me realize that. And I’m not gonna let any of his other shitty lessons stop me either, so come here.” He tugged on Cas’s arm, and he was so shocked he resisted. Dean laughed and pulled him closer, and Cas’s hand caught onto his waist. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Dean laughed breathily. “I’m really fucking sure. I love you, Cas. I love you so fucking much.” And he kissed him. And he didn’t care what his dad said or thought or did. He was happy.

[fmdtaeyong]

restructuring update prompts

a prologue to officially re-introducing ash kwon // aka i decided to re-do this because i changed some parts of ash’s backstory and established career claims after i did this the first time and half of this wasn’t really true anymore rip

also there’s nowhere for me to put this in the answers anymore so i’ll put it here: circles is ash’s best song

content warning: mentions of alcohol abuse and drug use / abuse, but none of it is in-depth

assuming your muse has changed in some way, be it internally or as a result of a change of the external factors around them, how is your muse different?

for the most part, ash’s general personality and character has stayed the same. he’s the same angsty, creative, romantic dude at heart, but he’s a little more jaded in some ways.

ash moved around before he became a trainee now. he lived in san francisco, sydney, and seattle. when he lived in sydney, it was just him and his mom and he grew really close to her during that time. he doesn’t really feel like he has a home at all since seoul is the longest he’s ever lived somewhere, but he’s less happy so that’s not home either.

ash is a better technical singer now ig, being a main vocal. he focused more on singing as a trainee now instead of dancing. his ankle injury in 2018 was a little more serious now, which is why he doesn’t dance much in his solo music anymore. it’s also why he’s less interested in dance, but, at the same time, i think it leaves more potential for him to re-develop some love for it again.

he’s also now the maknae, although it’s a common joke in the fandom that he doesn’t act like it. he debuted a year and three months younger than before and he feels a lot more beholden to the industry now. has even less of an idea of what he’d be outside of it at this point, even though he got closer to actually leaving it than previous ash ever did.

he’s still had a couple of minor attitude controversies in titan’s early days caused by cultural differences. he was in public relationships in 2016 and 2019. neither were received well for their own reasons. his clubbing habit has gotten him into some controversy, though bc has never issued a statement on it beyond that one time they had to confirm the woman in a picture of him clubbing was his girlfriend because people were trying to accuse him of cheating. he has a passionate anti gallery and obsessive sasaengs that make his life a living hell.

since renewing his contract, ash has also had a few hiatuses of varying lengths due to his physical or mental health. this was true before with how he naturally developed, but it’s more tied together now as a result of generally poor physical and mental health he’s been experiencing for a few years now after his dating scandals and his ankle injury in 2018.

his image is more streamlined now too! he never really had the era of being pushed as a cleancut boyfriend that old ash had around 2018. he’s been marketed as a musical genius / sexy bad boy rockstar / artist with a tortured soul for as long as he’s been majorly pushed individually. this means he’s still very sexualized, but he hates his image a little less because he can be a little more himself as far as personal style and self-expression through tattoos and piercings goes.

what does your muse think of their company and their group?

this hasn’t really changed. ash has no real love for bc entertainment and wouldn’t really care if titan disbanded tomorrow. some of their music is good and some isn’t (though he considers less of it terrible without wolf and gorilla in the mix lmao), but he feels he’s mostly outgrown it as an artist. not that it’s below him, but it’s not what he connects with creatively, which is far more important to him now than it had been when he’d first debuted. he doesn’t hold ill will toward his groupmates unless he feels they’ve given him an individual reason to, and actually feels more guilty toward them for getting involved in scandals and taking hiatuses more than anything, but they’re also not his best friends. he views titan as a purely work endeavor and he doesn’t feel bad about the fact he got about as close as possible to leaving them without actually doing so that he could back during contract renewals. after all, they’d be fine without him. he’s a main vocal, but they’ve got two others. he’s a dancer, but they’ve got two others. he can write music, but titan has never been his main priority there and others are more than capable of doing it. he wants out of both the group and the company but is starkly aware of the fact that he did this to himself when he re-signed out of what he now perceives to have been impulse and greed.

since titan is the seniormost active group under bc, ash tries to be a good senior to his company juniors in general, but there are certainly more welcoming alternatives than him. he worries about them from a distance more than anything else.

is your muse on their first contract or their second? if they’ve renewed, what were their feelings around that at the time and what were their hopes for their second contract?

he’s on his second contract and he definitely regrets renewing. he hadn’t planned to renew for the longest time the lack of privacy and the public criticism and the hate he’d received were just too much, and he had plans that would require him to stop being an active idol, namely marrying his girlfriend of two and a half years at the time. their relationship wasn’t stable enough at the time for that to be a good idea and that was proven when they broke up shortly before final negotiations for contract renewals, but ash wanted an excuse to escape and the idea of a happy, normal life more than he wanted to be rational.

spite after the (very brief lmao) break up was part of his decision to renew, but bc entertainment also offered to support him as a songwriter and producer in addition to allowing him to regularly release solo music. he still really loved music and his first taste of promoting as a solo artist had been right before renewals as a proposal to sway him into re-signing, so he was swayed to sign on for seven more years. they followed through on their promises, but he struggles to weigh the recognition he’s earned as a solo artist and songwriter-producer against signing his life away again and doing a number on his physicla and mental health. most of his health issues and his hiatuses have happened during his second contract, as well as several behind-the-scenes situations that could have become scandals if they’d had any less luck, mostly stemming from ash drinking too much and his occasional recreational drug use, so he’s not sure bc even really feels the contract renewal was entirely worth it.

what are your muse’s goals and motivations?

if you asked ash this, he wouldn’t know what to answer. he doesn’t feel very motivated these days and pretty much feels like he only does anything because he’s contractually obligated to. making music as a form of expression has long been his main drive, and beyond that, the desire to make a mark on the world he can be remembered by through his music, but he often oscillates now between feeling like there’s not much more he can realistically achieve and the sense of hopelessness that he can try as hard as he wants, but his music’s never going to be what he’s defined by when he’s a public figure with an image.

he also feels a duty to make his parents proud. though i could argue that might be less now than it was in the previous iteration of ash, it’s still very much there. they let him come to seoul when he’d just turned thirteen to follow a dream that many never get to follow all the way through to the end and they believed in him fully. they express how proud they are of him when they do talk, but he doesn’t know that he believes them. he doesn’t feel that anything he’s done has been deserving of paying them back for everything they’ve given to him.

right now, he wants to be able to feel excited about his life and what he’s making again. he’s trying to better himself internally in regards to the way he views himself and his mental health, although he’s more prone to still taking steps backwards there than he was at this point previously. a lot of the ways ash has found to feel that excitement and creativity he wants (such as recreational drugs and excessive alcohol consumption and fleeting, sometimes toxic, relationships) do damage to his mental wellbeing, so it’s a balancing act at the moment.

what is one conflict, internal or external, that your muse is currently dealing with, has recently dealt with, or will need to deal with in the future?

i covered this partially with the last one, but one major conflict remains his internal conflict about his passion for music. this was very much where ash was before as well, but now that i’m really pushing songwriting and producing as his main career path, it presents a more equal professional and personal challenge for him.

more than having truly lost joy in making music, he’s burnt out. his latest album lovesick was emotionally exhausting because it was a partially rushed, deeply personal and vulnerable album exclusively based on an unhealthy relationship that had stretched its hold on him out over for almost six years, and then he went into making music that he couldn’t relate to at all and didn’t really fit his image all because bc thought it would sell well.

the burn out in his personal life has affected the burn out in his professional life he would be feeling anyway and made it ten times worse. it feels more hopeless because he doesn’t have much else going for him. in the past few months, his relationship with alcohol and drugs also reverted back to unhealthy after he was doing better with it for a while, not helped by a really bad stint with his mental health. all of this was at its worse in june before he went on hiatus, and in this universe, his behavior was more of a factor in his hiatus than him practically begging to leave the group because ash is more resigned to the fact that he chose to sign back on with bc and that that’s on him. instead, there was more of a push by his manager, who knew that ash was on the road to a major scandal if action wasn’t taken.

almost all of his conflicts are internal right now. he’s become successful enough that external factors other than the large umbrella of having to remain in titan can be negotiated, but he’s too tired to do so because of everything going on inside of him. there’s a lot of negative feelings going on inside of him, and he’s trying to deal with them one by one, but it’s hard to see the weight of them easing that way.

if your muse has established career claims, what are their thoughts on their career so far? if they do not, how do they feel about not having individual activities yet? what would they like to do in the future, if anything? if they don’t have ambitions for individual activities, explain why.

ash has been able to establish himself a little more as a songwriter and producer outside of his solo music. he wrote “universe” for titan in 2017, and after that, as promised, bc hooking him up with the right opportunities and connections to establish himself more. since then, in addition to his heavy involvement in his solo music (his 2020 album lovesick was entirely written/composed/produced by him alone), he’s worked on calypso’s “rollin’” in 2018, polaris’s “fake love” (a korean music awards song of the year!) and “the truth untold” in 2019, and lily’s “i’m so sick” this year. i’m planning on more being added there with these extra ecp and maybe some refunded since i think i’m going to drop some of his points claims to streamline his career better.

his canon discography creative claims reflect his progression as a songwriter, from very earnest and romantic to more sensual to very uhhh angsty and personal to developing a more polished and professional sound as he grew in experience as a songwriter and producer.

ash is praised for having several representative works as a songwriter that all speak to his individual style, and ash is happy with what he’s gotten to do since he does genuinely enjoy working as a songwriter and producer.

he’s planning to continue branching out in this direction, so look for quite a lot of ash dabbling in canon discographies in the future. before, i’d say ash’s primary push was solo music, but my plan for him is for songwriting and producing to be his main career path from now on with solo music as a close secondary.

[gallavictorious]

hi!! i am currently watching s10 of shameless rn and i just finished 10x09. i’m still a little confused as to exactly WHY ian doesn’t wanna get married. Does he really not love mickey enough at this point? Can you give me your opinion? thanks xx

Hiya nonnie! Hope you're having a blast watching season 10! :)

I can certainly give you my opinion (and I was delighted to be asked for it!), but I should preface this by noting that it's a work in progress: Ian is a character that I really love but sometimes struggle to understand. Because of this I spend a lot of time thinking about him and his motivations, and my thoughts on those tend to develop and shift as I discuss them with others. This is not likely to be my final say on this issue, and it's not a fully formed or all-encompassing explanation either. Make of it what you will (and as always, feel free to chime in with your own ideas, because I'd love to hear them).

First things first: Ian's hesitation has nothing to do with his love for Mickey. “It's marriage that I don't know that I love,” he says, and I think he's being entirely honest here (which is supported by the fact that he continues to profess his love and try to work things out with Mickey even after the latter has accidentally broken his leg and run off with another guy). His reluctance is multi-layered, and I doubt that Ian himself is initially very clear on just why he hesitates. Lip's advice to figure that out before he does anything else is good, and Ian eventually does get his thoughts on the issue sorted out, even if he has some trouble communicating that to Mickey.

I've previously written a bit about what goes down with both Mickey and Ian in 10x08-10, and in that piece I focused on the fact that “Ian absolutely knows that Mickey will stand by him through thick and thin, and this scares him because what if he develops into someone that Mickey no longer can love but feels obligated to stay with anyway? Ian hates being helpless; Ian hates being a victim; Ian hates feeling indebted to people because that implies he can’t take care of himself, and I think that nothing terrifies him more than being a project, or being someone people stay with because they pity him or worry that he can’t take care of himself. The issue here, I think, is that he doesn’t trust Mickey to leave.”

I still think there's some truth to this, but returning to this question now – thanks to your lovely ask – I have two additional thoughts, which I believe play a large part as well:

Firstly, I'd say that Ian is very, very wary of making Mickey a promise that he's not completely sure he can keep. When Debbie tells him he might as well marry Mickey to make him happy since he can always get a divorce later on, Ian is initally ready to roll with this idea, but he's clearly not really feeling it, as illustrated by his wish for Lip to talk him out of the whole thing. I believe that this reluctance stems not from a general concern about the sanctity of marriage, but rather a very real fear of letting Mickey, specifically, down. In the past, and for a number of perfectly understandable reasons, Ian has walked away from Mickey. Whether it is entirely fair or not, I'd argue that several of these instances feel like broken promises, both to Ian and to Mickey, and Ian absolutely does not want to hurt Mickey like that again. As he later tells Mickey, he doesn't know who he is from day to day, so he can't promise Mickey shit. Better not to make any promises at all then, right?

Secondly, I think that Mickey's reluctance to actually talk about things is a real stumbling block. Ian has concerns and fears both about himself and about getting married, and those are things that he (very sensibly!) wants to discuss with Mickey before they get hitched. But Mickey won't have it – when Ian brings their future up in 10x03 Mickey shuts him down, and the same thing happens when Ian repeatedly (at the court house, and twice outside of Byron's) tries to discuss it after their first, botched attempt at a wedding.

I’ve participated in some recent and very interesting discussions about how both Ian and Mickey have been reluctant to face and properly talk about their tangled past and the hurt it's caused them, and how this reluctance plays a large part in how things play out between them in season 10. While I do agree with @whaticameherefor in that they must have had some meaningful conversations after their prison reunion, I do believe – not least because of what we saw in season 10 – that they have yet to fully discuss and make peace with what's gone before and the things they've done that's hurt the other. Ian, I think, is now willing and ready to talk, even though it's difficult for him, and – as @damngcoffee notes – Mickey makes some attempt at expressing his feelings when he asks for Ian to throw his parole, but it's still just scratching the surface, and they (well, mostly Mickey) still shy away from being candid about the really difficult and painful stuff.

This is unfortunate in general, but it's also directly tied to Ian's reservations about marriage. Bascially, he needs confirmation that Mickey truly understands what he's getting into, what with Ian's illness being a thing they can never escape. This is what Ian tries to articulate when he shows up with the promise rings, but he doesn't quite manage – partly because he's not actually very good at expressing himself (lack of practice, no doubt – but he's trying!) and partly because Mickey takes the mere suggestion that Ian isn't convinced of Mickey's  commitment as an insult and won't hear anything else. To Mickey, a man of action, his past deeds should make it plenty obvious that he is fully committed, and so Ian questioning that is a sign that Ian doesn't understand and appreciate all that Mickey's done and sacrifieced for him (whether Ian asked him to do it or not). To Mickey the whole situations likely reads like Ian trying to pin his own insecurities and lack of love on Mickey just to have an excuse to back out of getting married. This is not an accurate read at all, however: what Mickey doesn't understand is that Ian absolutely isn’t questioning Mickey's love or commitment: he just needs reassuarance that Mickey has really thought about this; has actually considered what Ian's illness means for their future and Ian's ability to make promises, and has come to the informed conclusion that sure, he does want this in spite of all that, in spite of the uncertainity of it all. Given Mickey's tendency to do rush in and do anything for the people he loves, and his unwillingness to talk about his feelings, it's not at all unreasonable for Ian to worry about this and want to have an actual discussion about it.

(I would also like to note that I really understand where Mickey is coming from here: given their past, there is little wonder that he's feeling insecure about Ian's feelings and reacts so strongly when Ian won't sign the papers. He misunderstands Ian, to be sure, but it's very easy to see why he would do that. I've also previously written a short meta on why Mickey's reluctance to talk about his feelings is perfectly understandable, which you can read here if you're so inclined.)

So, that's my opinion nonnie: Ian's hesitation regarding marriage has nothing to do with a lack of love for Mickey. :) Though he has to deal with his issues without actually getting to discuss them with Mickey - which is unfortunate, but let’s hope they start dealing with that once they’re back together - he finally understands enough to feel confident to propose to Mickey again.

Phew. Unsurprsingly this got pretty long: hopefully this was somewhat coherent. As mentioned, it's not in any way a comprehensive overview of the situation, but just touches upon a few aspects I think is particularly pertinent to it. Please feel free to contradict me or add your own further thoughts.

[purelyfiction]

Title: The Return of A Royal

Summary:  Elia helps Din and Grogu track down the supposed Jedi she knows of, after nearly running off with valuable beskar she pawns off of her sister's ex-partner. Cara digs into Elia to gather more information, trying to decode any doubts that the two might have after Elia's attempt to disappear. After arriving to Nevarro for fueling and lodging before heading to their next destination, Elia drunkenly opens up to Din about her sister and the past she misses from Esno, alongside a few other things. Din attempts to get her to her suite for the night so they can have an early morning where he finds himself lingering much longer than he'd expected.

Word Count: 3,940

TW: alcohol use, tipsy behavior - a whole bunch of flirting, some fluff perhaps

Chapter 3: Truth Ties

The Mandalorian's patience was wearing beyond thin. Elia had led them down some stupid mission for her own personal gain when really she had the answer that he'd been looking for the entire time. As they all meet back on the Razor Crest for yet another trip to another location. As the ship starts back up again, Din pulls Cara to the side and grunts. "I need you to keep an eye on her. We're going to Nevarro for fueling and lodging and the first thing in the morning we're headed to the Jedi. Once we've got them - she's out of here." He snarls, the brunette looking to her companion with a firm look.

"Understood. You don't have to tell me twice." She's hesitant to say much else, all things considered. The trip begins once again and Din seemingly locks both women out of the cockpit, needing to calm down. Cara sits across from Elia with a tilt of her head as the woman seemed to stare off in the distance. "Why'd you lie?" She quips, Elia's head jolting to meet the Marshal's face.

"I-... I know my dad's been looking for her for a bit. If he knew," a hand raises in the direction of the cockpit where the Mandalorian had run off to, "do you really think he would've brought us there? Not to mention I was going to give him half the payment. He refused the full payment I offered him in condolences for being difficult. He thinks that I'm lying to him again about the Jedi." Cara analyzes her expression, seeing a rather clear show of sincerity and nods.

"Do you know where she is?" The bounty hunter grows quiet and bites her lip. Brown eyes look up as her hands fall open from their clasped position, a shrug reflecting her shoulders.

"Not really. Mari disappeared when I was young. Even then, she was kept from the palace." She explains, Cara cutting in.

"Right. Your father is a king. That means you're a princess then, doesn't it? Why didn't you stay put with your dad?" Eliaden gives a bit of a laugh.

"I mean, technically yes. He's not really got a kingdom anymore now does he?" She looks to her hands lips pressing together in a similar manner that her hands do. Esno had been gone for years now, and Elia doesn't really remember much of it. "The King wasn't... isn't very affectionate. He pushed my sister and I away and had us in a wing with my mother - had Mari sent away." Cara's suddenly reminded of the information that Din had provided the two of them earlier.

"He says that Mari has Force abilities. Mando doesn't really believe him... but if we find her she might be able to help us-" A very loud laugh comes from Elia and Cara's face falls.

"Yeah well, good luck with that. The Empire was the one who got their hands on 'er. I'm not sure she ever made it out. Even if she did she never trained. If the Mandalorian is looking for a Jedi she's not it. Father wanted to get her to, it was one of the reasons he sent her away. Claimed that he didn't want anyone to find her. Got her books and teachers to try and let her hone it but it was mostly a waste of tax credits." Elia reaches to the thermos resting beside her, hearing the Child coo softly. She gets up, pouring a cup of water and handing it to him carefully. She returns to her spot and the Marshal speaks up with more questions.

"You still didn't answer me. Why didn’t you stay with the King and your mother?"

Elia takes a long sip of water before letting out a disgruntled sigh. "Like I said, he isn't super affectionate. So after we evacuated Esno, my mom and I led normal lives until my father joined us. A few years after the loss of the kingdom my mother passed away due to illness. By then, our royal status was insignificant and I couldn't sit around and watch my father mope about the loss of his daughter and wife. So, I took off with a bag over my shoulder, my dad's clothes on my back. I found the freighter, started training with members of the Guild and haven't left since. I haven't talked to him since I left and he hasn't tried to reach me." Elia's face seems to fill with a great shift in emotion. Cara decides to retreat with her remaining questions, watching Grogu as she stands moving to join Din in the cockpit.

When she surfaces and falls into the seat beside him, neither of them say anything, sitting and watching the stars move as the ship traveled through the endless darkness. Din can feel her eyes seemingly burning through the beskar of his helmet - not that it was possible, but he knows the motherlike scowl is on her features. "What."

"She's got her reasons. And she's got some bad news for you." She offers, the male immediately looking to Cara with no hesitation.  

"What could that possibly be." His voice is tense, annoyed since he'd finally felt some resemblance of resolution before the ally joined him.

"Mari's not a trained Jedi. Her father is lying to you. So, even if we did find her, there would be no real payment. The entire job is a falsification." She explains, beginning to speak again as a Mando'an curse exits the modulator of the male's helmet.

"What's your next move?" She leans onto the knee pad of her trousers, looking behind her as a metal noise comes from the cargo bay and a giggle radiates. Din seems to follow the noise as well, assuming the giggle means there was nothing to worry about.

Fingertips drum against controls with hesitation. He's unbearably quiet, deep in thought before he clears his throat. "Same as it has been. Nevarro, fuel and rest. We'll locate the Jedi she's talking about and get her back to Mon Cala and it can be the last we see of her." With the bitterness that leaves his tongue, Cara gives a nod, mentioning something about trying to get some shut eye and to let her know if he needs anything. She curls into the leather passenger seat in the cabin, Din slowly returning the nod as his gaze returns to the task at hand.

It's clear that Din has a great amount of distrust for the woman residing on the ship. He has every right to as well, considering she'd exploited both he and Cara, wasting their time to get a personal gain sorted and withholding information that they desperately needed. Despite that there were some other underlying things that didn't really settle in Din.

She pissed him off, certainly there was that. Yet, there was also the same cunning mind that he'd admire in any other bounty hunter. It was the quick witted responses, the sass in her actions, the intelligence from hours in libraries and studying - the sharp tongue that translated spite in the words of the Mandalore, the slight sway of her head with each step she took that matched the same motion of her hips...

Whoa. Din's breath hitches slightly, swallowing the foreign lump in his throat as he shifts slightly. Cut it out, Din. It wasn't like he ignored these things typically. They just never lingered long enough to bother him. Or at least the people didn't linger long enough. He'd had plenty of encounters with women who'd needed a night to forget about the world and Din had been more than happy to oblige them in that. It was rare for him to be the one wishing for such things. He tells himself that the emotion that was fueling these thoughts was primarily disdain and annoyance - but somewhere locked away in that armor of his was the truth.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

After arriving to Nevarro, Cara agreed to take in Grogu for the night so that Din could get a proper night of rest and be able to handle everything he needed to do before he took Elia home and found the Jedi. At this point, Mari was the least of his concerns, especially since the King didn't seem to have any motivation for the Mandalorian to fulfill the request. There was a low chance Mari was alive, no known location, no reward, and no assistance for Grogu and Mando in the end. The job in his mind was a complete failure.

He'd opened the ship at the nearest fueling station, not really giving much attention to Elia when she was quick to storm off the Crest with a clear action in mind. It'd been quite some time since he'd seen her and he'd hoped she'd swung by and put in a request for rooms for the two of them. Though, he seriously doubts that she would have been so sensible. He enters the Inn that he'd spent more than a few nights in previously. Nevarro had once been his home and the main source of the family unit the Tribe had been for him for so many years. Now, it was a much different place but still held so much familiarity. As he approaches the check-in desk, he's quick to ask the clerk for two rooms. The male points behind him to the Inn's plaque keyboard behind him - filled with hooks that held no keys. "No rooms? Really?" He scoffs, a light fist coming to meet the desk. "Thanks, I guess." He retreats from the lobby with the best next course of action.

The cantina is rather busy for the time of night, however, he figures that it made sense. There were a few gambling parties around the room, partners and groups drinking and dining - rather calm. He's scanning for a sufficient seat to sit and place an order to take away with, only to spot the very brunette who'd disappeared rather quickly from the ship upon touchdown. Din slowly approaches, watching her actions with a slightly tilted head. He notes the pairs upon pairs of empty glasses in front of her, one or two somewhat empty plates of food. She's leant into the countertop, an arm lying flat onto it, the other one being the sole source of support that keeps her upright. Her face focused on the glass in her spare hand, the material of the cup rolling on it's base as she moves the cup around in a circle. "Elia." The voice is cold and firm, enough to grab her attention and yet she doesn't move. He tries again, louder and with her full name this time. "Eliaden." It's this approach that gathers her attention, causing her to jump and look to him with rightful surprise. Her petite hand falls over her features, fingers pressing on tired eyes before the hand falls as the young woman sits upright.

"Sorry... I ugh, needed to get a bite." Elia's voice is soft, matching her expression as she leans into her hand and looks to Din. The slightest form of a smile meets her lips and the former bounty hunter feels that same stupid feeling from earlier. Bangs fall in her eyes softly, full cheeks accompanying kind eyes. The red blemish along the left one a cautious reminder of what had occurred earlier that day. He's careful as he takes a seat next to her.

"That's not something worth apologizing for." He notes, an arm leaning to the counter in a similar manner that hers had been in, prior to his arrival. "I wasn't able to secure any room at the Inn. I have a few materials back on my ship that can suffice for the night, or I could ask Cara if she has any..." His voice fades as the woman starts moving to shift a hand into her back pocket. The change in balance causes her to lean a little too far and Din is quick to reach out and grab her shoulder to catch her from falling to the floor of the cantina. A giggle leaves her as she completes the action she'd planned on making, her hand withdrawing with two keys from the Inn falling to the counter with a soft clink.

"Thanks. I got us rooms. Figured you would be a little preoccupied." She returns to her seat, pressing her lips together to seemingly stifle a larger smile. Din fails to stop his own chuckle from his mouth, realizing the truth of the matter.

"Are you drunk? " He retreats his hand on her shoulder, now realizing he was still holding onto her. Not that Elia had particularly minded the support. A hand moves to her uninjured cheek, leaning her arm into the counter slowly, a finger falling to the side of her nose as she cups her face, a bright giggle leaving her. Elia's gaze meets where Din's eyes would have met her own, only for her head to slowly shake.

"I mean... my criteria of drunk stretches a bit further than this. Tipsy, however, is up for consideration." Din's hand raises to reach under his chin, using the back of his hand to scratch at the underlying beard through cloth material that covered what the helmet didn't.

"Oh is that the case? Three, four... six drinks later?" He truly can't help the smirk that's hidden under his gear, the inflection in his voice matching it even if it wasn't clear. Elia is rather surprised to see him in such a relaxed state of discussion - especially considering her brilliant plan from earlier that led to the sore bruises on her skin. She knew he wasn't too fond of her and he had every right to be upset with her. She'd lied to him about the altercation, tried to run off without helping. It was her discussion with Cara that made her long for a buzzed mindset and some quiet time to think. It made her think back on a past she longed for, before she was on her own, seemingly lost in the galaxy, finding any port that would keep her stationed for a night. And with each empty glass, her mind wandered further.

It brought her to the initial meeting with the Mandalorian in front of her from earlier that day. There was a glint of allure and perhaps fascination. She'd heard so much about the famed bounty hunter, the tales and rumors of fighting within the Guild, going against a job - taking payment with him despite falling back on what he'd been assigned to do. Knowing what she knew and the gleam of light that came from the reflection of the beskar on the built frame - she was intimidated and rather interested. That only worsened with the introduction of the only known characteristic of the human under the armor - the voice. It was new, unrelenting and beyond attractive to Elia. She knew she needed a favor out of the man but she'd be a downright liar if she'd not let her mind wander. Especially with the down time they'd had traveling to their first destination. And then the altercation. Makers be damned there'd been something in that alleyway that left her mind reeling.

And now, here she sat, pulled out of the fascinations and ideas she'd let run wild for the time being by the very man on her mind. Every part of her knew there was no way anything between them would ever come to fruition, not after the stunt she pulled this afternoon. Yet, she's slightly hopeful, as she can see so much beyond the very hard, steel exterior. Elia finally turns off her inner monologue, returning the reality in front of her to give the Mandalorian a response finally.

"Yeah... maybe. It just... it let me think back. Cara had been asking some stuff and it just... put me in a weird spot?" She offers, Din waving a hand to offer a continuation. The woman lets a snicker past her lips, before looking to the bartender briefly as she starts on again. "My father kept me and my sister separated from the kingdom. My sister moreso since her presentation of her powers," she offers, taking a small sip of the drink in her hand, only for gloved hands to slip it from her and to the other side of the counter. Elia gives a scoff, the two of them laughing before she continues, a smile on her face, "anyways.. it brought me to before I was on my own. I had this sister I seemingly never knew because she was whisked away and I spent ages reading and studying for a world I never got to see. So, after Mari's disappearance and my mother and I's evacuation, I finally got to see the galaxy, what the communities and other worlds were like, versus reading them from a book. So, I guess that's kind of why I never looked back after Esno was destroyed. I had no royal duties, no real place.. I was free to be someone else." She explains, looking from her hands to Din. She'd expected a much different tone when she did look to the Mandalorian again, only being greeted with the blank and menacing vision of the helmet instead. Suddenly, she's feeling beyond ridiculous to be giving out so much of herself to someone she wouldn't know in the next day. So she stands, a little wobbly, pulling credits from her pocket. "We should probably go to the Inn. I know you want to get out of here early tomorrow." She speaks rapidly, thanking the bartender before quickly starting to the exit of the cantina.

Din sits watching her move from her seat, rather confused, feeling the annoyance starting to arrive again. Now what was her deal?  He stands, leaving a small amount of credits for the bartender for the trouble of taking up a seat at the bar. "Elia." He starts off following her, feet catching up with her rather quickly. He tries again, the woman ignoring him and finally reaching her door for her accomodations for the night. As she starts to work at the lock, Din reaches out, his arm blocking her attempts to get into the room. She groans and steps back looking up at him with a wavering gaze.

"Please just let me into my room, Mando. I didn't need to just... unload all that onto you. You don't give a shit, and come tomorrow night I'll be back on my own ship, you on yours finding the Jedi you're so desperate for."' Her voice is seemingly harsh and the taller of the two of them is beyond confused.

"Would you give me two minutes? You never asked me what my thoughts were on what you'd said." He defends, looking to her, his own eyes meeting the young womans. It was moments like this that made interactions like this so much harder. He wants to appear a lot less... menacing. Less distant, but he knows he can't express that though a reflection of metal.

"Okay fine. What's your thoughts on my pathetic life?" She quips, arms crossed, key in hand as she watches him. Din pulls his arm from the door frame, moving cautiously as to not startle her as he takes the key from her hand and opens the door to the room.

"Take a seat and maybe I'll tell you."  With the door shut, Mando moves to the refresher, grabbing a glass and filling it with water before entering the bedroom and handing it to Elia before sitting across from her on the bed. "Thanks." She grumbles, taking a slow sip before Din clears his throat.

"You didn't need to tell me all that, you're right. But you did, and that's that." He speaks before starting into his next tangent. "As for my thoughts, your past isn't what you might think it is. It'll be deemed different for everyone who hears it. Just know that it doesn't devalue it because you feel lesser because of it." It's rare for the older of the two of them to be so transparent, yet it was one of the few ways he knew how to ease other's fears of him. To become more human. Elia looks at him, hands cupping the glass in her hands, head falling to look at the liquid. She looks up to him again with a weak smile, a nod of her head accompanying it.

"Well... you've given me something to reflect on the next time I decide to go six drinks in." She teases, giving a small giggle, letting Din seem to relax a little. He joins her in a nod as silence falls over the room. Elia sets the cup down before getting up and letting her hands fall to her sides. "Alright. I'm gonna call it a night, yeah?" She suggests, the Mandalorian giving a silent agreement before joining her in standing. The silence returns only for Elia to stop him when he turns her hand reaching out to take his. "That... wasn't a request for you to leave." The two stand dangerously still, only unil Elia lets her hand fall before turning to the other side of the room. "Nevermind. Have a good night, Mando." Din looks at her as she pulls up her bag to her bed, starting to gather what she'll need for the night. He turns towards the door, opening it and pausing in the doorway. A hand reaches up for the light panel and switches it to the off position. Elia's eyes move to the doorway where the only light lingers. Din speaks up.

"Can you see in here?"

"With the door open, I can..." She's not following his thought process in any manner. The male figure then shuts the door, falling back into the room once again, quickly reaching up to the release on his helmet, pulling it from it's position. He sets it on the nearest surface he can find, letting his eyes adjust to the dark as best as he can before finding himself in front of Elia.

"How about now?" He asks as still gloved hands find her waist slowly. There it is again. The same voice that had caught her attention that very morning. Yet it was so much clearer, so much kinder, more human. The woman's breath catches in her throat as she speaks.

"I- No, I can't see." Her voice is no louder than a whisper, scared that any higher volume would turn him away. A snicker leaves the other before a hand lifts from her side.

"Good." The feeling of soft and worn leather is introduced to Elia's cheek as Din cups it, bringing her closer to him until their lips meet in one of the slowest moments either of them had experienced in days. Elia's scared to reach out, lingering so heavily in his presence, the hand holding her waist being tugged closer to him. The same hand begins to trail up her side until Din's hand is guiding hers to his arm, as he pulls away softly. "I can stop now. Otherwise, you're more than welcome to put your hands on me." Elia lets out a small sound, that neither of them can identify. Maybe it's one of disbelief, or excitement, she's unsure of but she pushes past it with a snicker.

"Don't dream of it, Mando." She retorts, being the quick one now as her hand gingerly reaches up behind his neck to bring him back down to her again.

[automaticenemycrusade]

Joyride: Prologue

“Nord!”

The onyx vulpera awoke with a gasp, soft as it could be, as he jerked his head up from the shabby, little table. Oh, had he fallen asleep at his desk again? No doubt he’d be dying the day he actually decided to sleep in his own bed. He glanced down to regard the mess he’d made, only to notice the goopy, black ink that had splattered across both himself and the parchment he was supposedly scrawling on. Fur and ink, what an exciting mixture. Dunes know he’d be having the time of his life washing that out.

He barely had time to make himself presentable before another vulpera emerged from underneath the flap of his tent, the one who had called his name. To neither his nor anyone’s surprise, it was his relative, a cousin whose only mission in life was to bother the former with his “brilliant” ideas. Nord acknowledged his presence as best he could, before swiping a rag off the table and wiping at his sullied pelt. It wasn’t coming out.

“Nord, hey,” The swagger in his step, the giddiness in his features, the passion brimming at his cheeks, warped and stretched to either side by that smile. That damn smile. Nord knew those motions all too well. “Listen, I wanted to talk to you, ‘cause I think,” Here it comes. “And stop me if you’ve heard this one before,” Despite the urge to, Nord smiled encouragingly, as if to say ‘do go on,’ to which his counterpart was happy to oblige. “‘cause I think I got it!”

And there it was. The poor fox had to resist rolling his eyes into the back of his head and groaning, which he did with ease. He had the practice after all. “Yeah?” He replied, lifting his brow. “And what is the ingenious plan you’ve cooked up this time, Jole?” Wry smirk in hand--or on face, technically speaking--he raised a single digit as he continued, “Are we convincing the guards to personally escort us to the oasis by pretending to be, what was it?” He tapped his chin in sarcastic thought, before lighting up his face in a similarly sarcastic realization. “The Dune Duke?”

The other vulpera, Jole, was taken aback by an eyeroll of his own, as well as a derisive series of hardy har har’s. “Before you mock me,” He began. “Just hear me out,” Nord complied, allowing him to continue, “Hot take: we get a wagon, a few alpacas, and we take everyone who wants it on the adventure of their lives.” That showman’s finesse of his really shined through in moments like this. Nord supposed one had to build some sort of charismatic skill set when they came up with bizarre schemes as often as Jole did, which is to say, he was irritably used to this. Nonetheless, he went on, “Day-long trip, from here to there, let the kits see the sights and get a taste of that authentic caravaneer life. Hundred-percent educational experience, no foul play.” He bent forward in a semi-bow, spreading his arms to either side with a final, “Whaddya think?”

“Well, first off, I think you’re insane.” He responded, oddly calm in tone for how witty his remark had been. They shared a chuckle, though Nord was quick to recover. “So, what? Are we bribing some,” He vaguely waved his hand. “Famous caravaneer to be our guide? For celebrity appeal?” Jole shook his head, though he did gesture for Nord to keep guessing. He was, no doubt, delightfully entertained. Nord obeyed. “Will the alpacas be incredibly rare? One has extravagant colors, maybe? Hot pink?”

Jole produced a drawn-out, “Noooooope.” in reply. He was having fun with this, and Nord couldn’t help but roll back his eyes at that. For what felt like the first time, he was actually intrigued by the prospect, even if it was probably extraordinarily dangerous. Of course, he’d had this mentality about Jole’s ingenuity dozens of times before, but there was always one tiny complication or flaw in the grand scheme that ruined it for him. Suffice to say, he wasn’t making any special exceptions nor holding his breath for this one.

The onyx vulpera finally relented, leaning back onto his palms with a shrug--his palms still stained by the ink, obviously. “What is it then?” He said, boggled, despite having never guessed it on the first try before. “What’s the outside help?”

Jole grinned that cocky grin of his and arched forward, “There is none,” He lifted up his hands to dramatically waggle his fingers. “‘cause we do it ourselves. You and me,”

“You and I.” Nord corrected.

“You and I. Not even! Mostly me.” The ash-furred vulpera winked--sweet sand demons, he hated those--before straightening out his posture, because you just know all that bending and curving he did for his showy presentations was taking its toll on his spine. Nord didn’t think it possible for his eyes to go any further into the back of his head, yet here he was, on the verge of an eyeball backflip. Although, Jole’s performances aside, the idea itself was interest-piquing. It’s the kind of thing he would have enjoyed as a kit. It’s the kind of thing he could still enjoy now. But, as with all of Jole’s ploys, they were too selfish to be fully realized. His cousin was never one to scheme if he didn’t think it benefitted him too.

“Let me guess,” Nord’s eyes glinted with familiarity, as he went to meet his counterpart’s gaze with knitted brows. “First people you invite are the vixens you talked up at the story circle,” He lifted a finger just as Jole went to interject. “The same story circle where you regaled the tale of The Dune Duke and his Dusty Damsel.” He, too, grinned a malicious grin, snark and snide practically enchanting his demeanor in that moment. This is what made listening to Jole’s rambling so very worth it. Still, he couldn’t help but feign shame and aim a friendly punch at his shoulder, tacking on a, “I’m kidding.”

“You laugh now, but just you wait until I get things in full gear.” Jole assured, and as per any accusation that involved him and women, he felt pressed to address it. “And for one, those ladies were delighted to have me; for two, that story was great,” And in an attempt to mimic his cousin, he raised a finger to Nord’s face before he could interrupt. “And you can’t deny it, ‘cause everyone else thought it was great too!”

“I dunno.” The curve of Nord’s lip twirled into a sly smirk. “I personally thought the ending could’ve been a little better. Plus, aren’t stories at the story circle supposed to be true?”

“It was true!” He retorted, though he quickly remedied his behavior once faced with a skeptical look from Nord. He folded his arms and paused. “Some of it, anyway- Look, that’s not the point. Point is, we got things to do!”

“Not people, I hope.”

“Doh,” And at last, Nord squeezed an eyeroll out of him, so much so that he couldn’t help but grin. “Alright, inkface,” Wait, was it on his face? He went to uncomfortably feel at it as Jole continued, “--Yeah, don’t think I didn’t notice that little detail when I rolled in here. Tell you what, you go wash up and I’ll do all the hard work, ‘cause I’m a generous and hard-working friend.”

Nord’s own laughter knocked the wind out of him. He replied, “You haven’t worked a day in your life.” just as Jole vanished back outside, to which he could hear a guffaw radiate from beyond his tent flap.

“It’s about persistence, not work ethic!”

The onyx vulpera scoffed, obviously, and although he wished to push the topic further, he decided against it. He turned back to that filthy desk of his, glancing at it with disdain, the disdain one got when they told themselves to do a chore. As if washing himself up wouldn’t take long enough! Note to Nord: sleep in your damn bed.

And then it donned on him, and he promptly dove his head past the tent flap in search of his cousin, which, praise be, there he stood, hands shoved in his pouch-pockets and eyes gliding from vixen to vixen. He’d slap himself in the face if he wasn’t preoccupied with another thought. “Jole!” He called out, to which the oblivious ashfur perked up an ear and spun on his heels to look back at Nord. “How do you plan on dealing with the older vulpera? That might be uncomfortable.”

“That’s the best part!” He shouted back.

“No supervision!”

♦

Nord had spent far too many minutes scrubbing away at his paw, far too many hours. Had it even been an hour? He hadn’t cared to check how high the sun rose above the horizon, and who knows when he originally woke up. At this point, he could barely remember the night before at all. Though, knowing him, it might be better to say, “the early morning before.” What was it he was biding all that time with? Funnily enough, that was exactly the problem. It was the very fact he had nothing to bide his time with. With each sunrise came the same routine, the same chores, the same hunts, the same necessities for survival. Had he grown so stale that he was finally giving into Jole’s senseless thrillseeking ways? Was there a part of him that wished that one of his cousin’s ploys would actually come to pass?

He wasn’t sure.

What he was sure of though, was that this damn ink, wasn’t coming out. Even with the addition of lukewarm water, it insisted on sticking to him. What was that ink made out of anyway? Tar? He needed a break, he needed a getaway, he needed something to sweep him off his mundane feet and wrap him in the exoticity of life. He needed an adventure. But, every time they got close, Jole lost motivation, or found something better to do, or abandoned the project all together out of spite.

Maybe this time, it’d be different. Just maybe.

Not that he was getting his hopes up, of course. Last thing he needed was to put effort into something and have it fail miserably, but hey, he was a hopeful guy. His birthright was that of faith he could misplace at his leisure, not that he was in any hurry. If anything, he was in more of a hurry to get this stain off. How much force did he have to apply? There’s only so much pressure a fifteen-year-old kid can exude!

“Nord!”

Fuck it. Just wrap it, wrap it up, no one will know. And that’s just what he did. He tore a strip of leather off of his own trousers and laced it around the still (somehow) ink-soaked hand. You burned yourself. That’s the story we’re going with. At last, he ushered himself outside, seeing none other than Jole standing… about a yard or two away from him. A cough was exchanged between the two as he moved an inch or two closer. His flair for the dramatic was a gamble as to whether or not it would be properly executed.

“So!” The ashfur began, clicking his tongue.

Nord, meanwhile, calculated all the excuses that were about to leave his cousin’s mouth. They were out of wagons. They want to keep the alpacas out of the deep desert for a few months. I had a wagon, but the wheel snapped when I tried moving it. I had an alpaca, but they fell ill just today. Everyone I asked said no. I kinda had a change of heart. I got an even better idea! I thought you hated the idea, so I got discouraged. I was sure you meant-

“We’re back in business, baby!”

[dappercritter]

Star vs. the Forces of Evil for the ask meme!

(Based on this meme.)

The first character I first fell in love with: Marco Diaz. Although Star was a pretty fun protagonist from the get-go, Marco impressed me in the first episode with both his plucky attitude and intensely responsible, protective nature. He had everything to be a great friend to Star and, by extent, a deuteragonist. He knew karate and basic psychology, he could help Star with both her personal problems and on her exciting adventures, but he also had his own story to navigate with and without Star. He had his own family, a friend group, a crush, a rival, and a fighting style he trained in—all of which were a joy to watch him interact with! (Well, maybe not his other friends.) What’s more, I have tons of things in common with him; namely, his desire to be seen as cool in spite of his intensely safe nature, said intensely safe and responsible nature, body image issues, being awkward around my crushes, and so on.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Toffee (of Septarsis). I mean, as a lover of cool villains, reptiles, and bespoke fashion, I liked Toffee the minute I laid eyes on him—as many of us did—but I never expected to be as attached to him as I ended up being. Besides being the most competent, menacing villain in the show, Toffee’s character was a mystery that both added to his allure and opened up the possibilities to a more significant backstory that we sadly never got to see. All we ever knew is that he had a passionate hatred of magic and the Butterfly family, a single-minded determination to destroy them, and a plan which almost succeeded perfectly. What we don’t know is whether or not he was a tragic anti-villain who wanted to free monsters from the terror of magic but whose motivation became clouded by vengeance, or if he was just a petty warmonger who only made things personal when he was humiliated. Either way, it’s Toffee’s combined sense of mystery, menace, and sophistication that kept him a permanent personal favourite of mine.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: Glossaryck, but that might be a bit of a stretch. Mostly because I don’t know how many people liked him to begin with. Most people like to think of him as a weird deadbeat dad who did the bare minimum to take care of the universe, the MHC/his kids, and his students, the queens of Mewni until he finally gave up. As you can guess, that’s exactly what I think of him. But there are people who think his antics are funny and who sympathize with his weariness—not surprising given who he’s had to work with—but his inconsistent characterization throughout the series, and just his general uncooperative teaching style, I just can’t find it in me to like the little blue man.

The character I love that everyone else hates: Janna Ordonia. Don’t get me wrong, I know she does some sketchy stuff like harassing Marco in some shockingly intrusive and insensitive ways. But in spite of that, I like Janna for her troublemaking antics, her love of the weird, and especially her friendship with Star. She felt like a good friend for Star, Marco, Jackie, and Tom because her fondness for the strange and getting into trouble put together with her nonchalant attitude and street smarts, made her a good bridge between the two different worlds of the show (i.e. Earth and the larger multiverse).

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: Hekapoo. I’ll be honest with you guys: I was fascinated with Hekapoo since she first showed up onscreen, and after we got to know her in Running with Scissors, I… I had a crush on her. There, I said it. She was my type, alright? Sassy, adventurous, mischievous, but also ferocious and duty-bound. Everything I could want in a woman! But then we found out that she’s actually kind of a creeper, and she’s a self-righteous corrupt official who supported conspiracy, kidnapping, and genocide and didn’t apologize or try to make amends for it until the last possible moment. And even then she only did it of what appeared to be feelings of obligation to Marco and Moon, nor did she seem to be sorry about all the stuff she did. She vanished from existence with the rest of the MHC along with (most of) all their other magical problems, and frankly, I think that’s how I like it.

The character I would totally smooch: Well, uh, if that Septarian girl in the hat from Meteora’s Lesson is still around, I’d like to get to know her. Maybe take her out for a nice dinner. Go for long walks in the woods. Then wrap it all up with a nice smooch. I mean, if she’s interested of course.

The character I’d want to be like: Tom Lucitor. At first, I didn’t like Tom that much. I just assumed he was going to be a petty rival for Star’s affections that Marco would have to fight. But once we got to know him better and he began his journey of character development, I empathized with him to the point where I saw myself in his struggle to overcome his anger and grow as a person. I may not have made some of the terrible decisions he made early on, but I can be volatile myself, and I am always trying to change for the better as a person. I feel that Tom’s attempt to improve his anger management skills, make amends with the people he hurt, manage failed romantic relationships with maturity, and be a better friend and boyfriend in general make him a decent role model in my eyes.

The character I’d slap: Pony Head. This accursed disembodied unicorn head hasn’t done anything good since maybe Season 1. I used to tolerate her as an intentionally bad parody of valley girl friend archetypes, but after “Bam Ui Pati,” I lost all patience with her. Pony Head, I got two words for you: Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Shut up! SHUT! UP! SHUT UP!!!

A pairing that I love: Jantom. Starco used to be my main but since that drained me of all my lifeforce and slapped me in the face, my enthusiasm for these two dorks has diminished—significantly, at that. Jantom (or at least the concept of it) on the other hand, was a breath of fresh air. I believe these two feel like they have an even greater right to be together than Starco. I mean, think about it: Janna likes occult stuff, Tom is the prince of the Underworld. Tom likes troublemakers, Janna is all about trouble. And even if Tom is a bit more mature than Janna, we know Janna is capable of selflessness and compassion (one of the few good things we saw from Cleaved), and I like to think that Tom might share some of the life lessons he learned from his journey to maturity with her. …When they weren’t taking turns bugging Marco, of course.

A pairing that I despise: Marclipsa. NO. Hard no. Marco is just a teenager. Eclipsa is a married adult woman. I don’t care how funny you think the whole “Marco’s a harem protagonist” joke is, that is just gross.

[blancheludis]

@ironhusbandsweek, @rhfenovemberbash Day 2: Surprise Party

Fandom: Marvel, MCU, Avengers Characters: Tony Stark/James “Rhodey” Rhodes, Pepper Potts, Happy Hogan Tags: post-Ultron, Family, Emotional H/C, Protective Rhodey, Love, Humor Words: 3.116

Summary: After Ultron, Tony expects to come home to an empty tower, another giant mess of his own making to fix. He is not alone, however. His family is waiting for him. They are not as fickle as the Avengers, who left at the first signs of trouble. They even brought cake. 

---

After the Ultron debacle, Tony expects to come home to a wrecked tower. In a way, he is almost looking forward to it, because it gives him something tangible to fix instead of leaving him just with the mess inside him.

Everything went to hell so quickly. One moment, they were a team, working so well together as if they have done so for years. And then. Tony is not even sure what to blame it on, at what point things started to crack.

There was the witch who had certainly played her part. The question is whether she really put ideas in Tony’s head or whether she just amplified what was already there. Not much is needed, apparently, to get him to build a murder bot bent on destroying the very world Tony is claiming to protect.

That is over now, of course. He has handed in his resignation from the Avengers, has built them a new compound so they would not have to be so close to him, so he would not get in the way. That leaves him to deal with his guilt complex and his broken tower on his own. He can handle it, though. He always has.

Tony is surprised when he steps out of the elevator into a pristine foyer. No more glass shards, no more broken furniture, no more blood and robot parts. It looks like nothing ever happened.

A shiver runs down Tony’s back as he wonders whether his mind is truly his own again or whether there is still a remnant of Wanda’s magic at work. Perhaps Ultron was a dream. Perhaps defeating him was.

Before Tony can explore that thought further, he hears a noise coming from further ahead. His hand is shooting up without him making any conscious decision to do so. The watch turns into a repulsor and it powers up before he can even make out what made that noise.

This is how he finds himself pointing an Iron Man gauntlet at his only friends in the entire world.

Rhodey stands in the hallway to the living room, Pepper and Happy at his side. They do not look surprised at his reaction, but Tony knows Pepper’s face of disapproval too well to miss it, even though it is gone as quickly as it appeared.

Sheepishly, Tony lowers his hand. This could still be an illusion, but it does not matter whether this is real or not, he will not point a weapon at his family.

“Surprise,” Rhodey says, his tone at once dry and worried.

He wears that expression that means he would like nothing more than to tuck Tony in to bed and let whatever storm is brewing pass before he lets him out again. As if not all of Tony’s life is one storm or another.

“What?” Tony asks dumbly. His mind has not yet caught up with the fact that his tower appears whole again and that he is not alone.  

“Come on, your favourite people are here,” Rhodey explains, almost too cheerful. Even more pointedly, he adds, “We’ve got cake, too. Don’t tell me you really need a banner with Surprise Party written on it to know what this is.”

Tony flinches at Rhodey’s use of banner and hates himself for it. Another thing he is not sure how to fix.

Instead of dwelling on that, on the fact that Bruce took the quinjet and disappeared, cutting off all communication, Tony walks towards his friends. Exhaustion is catching up with him, now that he has apparently been robbed of his next big task of tidying up his tower.

They should not be here. Pepper should be out saving Stark Industries from the expected stock crash that comes with Tony messing up again and almost ending the world. Happy is usually following her these days, but he too must have enough actual work. And Rhodey – Rhodey should be with the Avengers. Training with them, coordinating his future involvement with Steve. He should be taking over Tony’s job, with promises of doing it much better. That is mostly guaranteed even.

They should not bother with him, should not feel obliged to pick up another one of his messes. He has dragged them into too many of those already, and he should really make them stop piecing him back together.

“No, don’t do that,” Rhodey says. He sounds much closer now, and when Tony blinks back into reality, Rhodey is standing right in front of him. “Don’t withdraw into your head. We’re here.”

Tony’s head is not even a safe place, and yet he always gets lost in there.

“You shouldn’t be,” Tony replies tonelessly. He is not going to say how glad he is they are here. That would make it impossible for them to leave, which would be the sensible thing to do. For some reason, though, they care. About him and his well-being.

“Could we skip the part where you’re convinced you don’t deserve anything good in your life?” Rhodey asks. He is utterly serious. There is not even any exasperation to be found in his expression, although this is far from the first time Tony proves to be difficult.

“You don’t understand –” Tony tries to say, but lets himself be cut off easily.

“Tones.” His name in Rhodey’s voice is the softest thing Tony can imagine. It is a tone that promises everything will be well. After all these years, Tony still falls for that, no matter how often life proves them wrong. “I’ve been with you longer than anyone else,” Rhodey continues, “I understand. We all do.”

Tony is not convinced they do. A sickness sits inside him that he cannot get rid of, no matter how hard he tries. After Afghanistan, after becoming Iron Man, he was supposed to be better, less prone to always making things worse.

For some reason, Rhodey chooses to see Tony as someone who is good, who can do good. It has always been this way even back at MIT, no matter how many parties Tony crashed, how often he had to be carried home because he got blackout drunk, how often they argued over his stupid decisions.

“I –” Tony says but trails off. Rhodey is close enough now that Tony can pretend there is nothing in this world but the two of them. He feels immediately calmer like that.

“Come here,” Rhodey says and opens his arms.

While some part of Tony’s mind screams that he hardly deserves to be comforted, he moves immediately into the offered embrace. Rhodey’s warmth engulfs him, chasing away the lingering cold from Sokovia.

This is the one place in the world where he feels utterly safe. He has a talent for doubting everything, but Rhodey’s arms around him will always be right.

Distantly, Tony notices Pepper and Happy vanishing back down the hallway to give them some privacy, and he is glad for it. He uses the opportunity to bury himself further into Rhodey’s touch, hiding his face against Rhodey’s shoulder.

Positioned like this, he hears Rhodey’s heartbeat. Strong and calm. The most familiar sound in the world.  

When Tony finally disentangles from Rhodey, his cheeks are damp but Rhodey does not mention it. Nobody here sees any shame in crying. They are all used to having to seem strong all the time. They are at home now, however, where they can just be themselves.

Without saying anything, Rhodey guides Tony towards the living room and pushes him down on the couch before following suit. Tony has not noticed how tired his legs were until he takes his weight off them. His entire body is on the brink of utter exhaustions. It feels like he has been running on just adrenaline and spite since Ultron interrupted their party.

He leans against Rhodey’s shoulder, unwilling to leave even an inch of distance between them, and sighs happily when Rhodey intertwines their fingers. Nothing grounds him as much as this.

As if on unspoken command, Pepper and Happy come back. They are talking quietly about nothing consequential, filling the room with enough harmless background noise to help Tony calm down further.

As promised, they have brought cake. Blueberry. Tony’s favourite.

That is a silly tradition from their college days. Comfort food, Rhodey had called it when he was trying to convince Tony that he needed to do something nice for himself whenever things go wrong, whether that was an argument with his father or a botched project. Tony had naturally argued it is easier to get drunk to put his mind on other things, but Rhodey insisted that it had to be something special. Self-Care Cake became a thing after that.

It is a nice touch, even though Tony hardly thinks he deserves cake after the stunt he pulled. Still, he does not stop Pepper when she cuts it and puts a piece on each of the four plates she brought.

Then, she puts one of the plates down in his lap before she takes a seat next to him, moving close until they are touching too. They fill each other’s space with an ease borne from decades spent together.

Happy takes an armchair, delicately holding his plate. Nobody says anything for a long moment.

“Eat something,” Pepper then prompts, as if food is actually going to make anything better.

The cake will not, Tony knows, but his people will. Rhodey, who should already be back with the military or at the compound, taking over as the Avenger’s aerial support, Iron Man’s successor. Pepper, who is so used to fixing Tony’s messes that she barely blinks anymore when he shows up with another one in tow. Happy, in a way the steadiest of Tony’s friends, who is always there to catch Tony.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Tony repeats, although he sounds far less convinced this time. It is harder to reject other people’s kindness when he knows they do not have an ulterior motive. Well, other than to make him take care of himself.

“Give us one good reason why,” Pepper says, while Rhodey is still busy bristling at Tony’s other side. Happy looks decidedly unamused too.

Lowering his eyes, Tony focuses on his cake, counts the blueberries, and wonders whether it will be as good as the ones he used to make with Rhodey in their tiny dorm kitchen.

“I created Ultron,” he says, his tone flat.

They know that, of course, but they obviously need the reminder. For years, he has created weapons, destructive in their own right. This was a giant step up, farther than Tony thought he could go. Yet he did, and the Avengers and Sokovia, the entire world even, barely made it out alive.

“You tried to do something good and it misfired,” Rhodey says, squeezing Tony’s hand in what would be a show of comfort or a warning. It is probably both.

That makes it worse.

“Ultron came from my brain, from my servers,” Tony snaps. “He was supposed to protect the earth and yet the only way he thought he could do it was by destroying it.” Much quieter, he adds something he has barely dared to think up until now. “What does that say about me?”

Ultron is arguably as much Tony’s child as JARVIS or the bots, only he turned out far less willing to do his creator’s bidding than them. He grossly misinterpreted the purpose Tony gave him, at least.

“It says that you care,” Rhodey says, voice tight. “That you know there is danger coming and that we need to act. That you see your mistakes and immediately get to work to fix them.”

The ultimate goal would be to not make mistakes like this. He should know better, be better. Not just as a former Avenger, but as a self-proclaimed futurist.

“I created –”

“First off, stop with the I,” Rhodey cuts him off. He shifts just far enough to better look at Tony, his face stern. “If I recall correctly, Dr. Banner was part of the whole process. Then there was the sceptre, which messed with all of your heads once before. And that witch kid? What did she make you see?”

So much death. That army Loki brought to Earth. A reminder that Tony will never be enough. Tony has his experience with nightmares. This one felt more like a prophecy. Like something he could prevent if only he were a better person.

“What if I’m going to make a mistake I can’t fix?” Tony asks instead of answering.

He has spoken about the army coming for them before and people have put it down as tale gone wild due to the trauma he suffered. His family might listen, but how could they believe without having seen it?

“You’ve done so many miraculous things, boss,” Happy speaks up while Rhodey and Pepper share a look, silently debating whether they should pry further into the topic of Wanda Maximoff. “You wouldn’t have done even one of them if you were afraid of going wrong at some point.”

Studiously not looking at any of his friends, Tony says, “These days, my failures tend to have bigger consequences than just setting our dorm on fire.”

“They have bigger gains, too,” Happy answers without the slightest bit of hesitation.

Tony does not deserve them. Not Happy’s loyalty, not Pepper’s patience, not Rhodey’s friendship. He has never deserved them, and yet he always manages to drag them along, from one disaster into the next.

“I can’t –” Tony says but does not know how to end his sentence. There are so many things he cannot do, and more still that he should not.

“You don’t have to,” Rhodey answers nonetheless. His grip on Tony’s hand is hard enough to anchor him. “I mean it, Tones. You don’t owe anyone anything.” He pauses a minute to convey how serious he is, then his expression morphs into something softer. “Wait, that’s not true. You owe me a vacation. Caribbean if I remember correctly.”

Clenching his jaw, Tony shifts a little so he is not as pressed into Rhodey’s side anymore.

“You shouldn’t make fun of this,” he says, although part of him wants to pick up the familiar banter, to let go of the horror of the past days.

“I’m not,” Rhodey promises. “You just shouldn’t feel like the entire world rests on your shoulders.”

“Sometimes it feels like it does,” Tony says quietly.

In Sokovia it had. Literally, even, as he tried to keep the flying city from wiping out mankind. He feels like he is stuck in that moment, straining against the entirety of his bad decisions threatening to crush him.

“That’s what we’re here for,” Pepper says on his other side. “To help you carry it.”

Tony looks at them. At their determined faces, tinged with worry. At the way they are all slightly leaned towards him. At the readiness with which they are going to counter any and all arguments he can think of.

He truly does not deserve them, but he would give up anything for them. He has known that before. Every time they do not give up on him despite plenty of reasons to, he realizes that a bit more.

“Can we go right now?” Tony asks, the words tumbling out unbidden. “To the Caribbean?”

He sees the way Rhodey’s face softens, and Happy and Pepper lose some of their tension. They all know this is not over yet – Tony’s self-doubt is legendary after all – but it feels like the immediate crisis has been averted.

“You know the answer, Tones,” Rhodey says lightly. “If it were up to me, we’d have gone long ago and never come back.”

As far as fantasies go, this one has very little chance of ever becoming reality.

“You’d get bored within a week,” Tony cautions, mostly because boredom is a better alternative than Rhodey getting fed up with him and finally noticing that Tony is not worth all the work they have put into him over the years.

“Time with you is never boring,” Rhodey argues, smiling when Happy is chuckling in agreement.

As far as virtues go, there might be worse, but Rhodey could still do so much better.

“Well, you’d get bored as soon as I accidentally burn down the entire island,” Tony amends. His limbs are growing heavier by the minute, slowly giving in to the exhaustion.

Rhodey shrugs, never disputing that Tony would actually manage to do that. “We’ll have to invent fire-proof palm trees then.”

With definite fondness, Tony looks up. “Do you have an answer to everything?”

Of course, Rhodey does. He has had years of practice after all.

“With you? Definitely,” Rhodey replies as if there is nothing to it, as if he would change nothing if he had the chance, “Since you tend to ask the same questions over and over again. The answers are simple.” He focuses completely on Tony now, making it clear he means everything he says. “You’re going to fix it. You’re going to make it better. I love you. That’s all I need to know.”

Warmth spreads through Tony like it always does when Rhodey looks at him like that, when he speaks of love with that same wonder he had decades ago. It is enough to make Tony believe that he is not a complete burden, not all the time.

“I love you too, honey bear,” Tony says and puts his head down against Rhodey’s shoulder, too tired to keep himself upright and trusting Rhodey to carry him.

“Good talk,” Rhodey says, his smile audible in his voice. He nudges Tony’s plate. “Now eat your cake or you might not get any.”

The tension in the air mellows into something far more palatable as they all pick up their forks to eat their cake. This is not all they are going to talk about the matter, but it is enough for now. Like this, Tony is almost certain he can sleep tonight and meet his own eyes in the mirror in the morning.

“Thanks for being here,” Tony says in between bites of cake. He takes care to look at all of them, both so they know he means all of them, and so he can memorize them here with him, ready to catch them when he falls.

“Where else would we be?” Rhodey asks, speaking for all of them.

That is the thing about a family that is hard won as theirs. Despite the misery still sitting in the depth of his chest, Tony believes them without hesitation. Things will be better again. Until then, he has them to hold him up.

[we-pay-for-everything]

Do you think there is a power imbalance in Bangel's relationship or emotionally abusive in any way because I literally read a post lumping Bangel into that category from this post tinkdw(.)tumblr(.)com/post/171317886217/have-you-noticed-a-trend-or-a-pattern-like-certain. (just remove the brackets so the link will work) Also other Bangel shipper can chime in on this to because wtf!?

That’s bullshit. 

The author lumped Bangel in with Bill/Sookie, which is an abusive relationship and a NOTP of mine, yet conveniently forgot to mention that Erik/Sookie is also a toxic relationship (and an old OTP of mine). I highly doubt that most Bangel shippers prefer Bill/Sookie over Erik/Sookie, since Bill/Sookie is literal trash (Bill raped Sookie in the books). 

And what power equilibrium exists with Spuffy and Erik/Sookie? Erik is over a thousand years older than Sookie, and he manipulates and uses her very often. And Spike abuses Buffy at her lowest and sexually assaults her. Where’s the equality? Or are they only referring to season 7? Where Buffy is traumatized and isolated and Spike isolates her further, and she feels obligated to help Spike out even when she wants distance from him? 

Angel doesn’t exist to save Buffy. He saved her life a few times, but mostly he helped her. She saved him more often. The beauty of Bangel is that, in spite of Buffy’s young age, she is stronger, more motivated, and has tons of friends who care about her already. She doesn’t need Angel. She’s fine without him. Angel gave Buffy something no one else could, and every relationship is different and irreplaceable, but Buffy lives just fine without Angel. 

Angel didn’t exist on BtVS to save Buffy. He was a love interest, he was the first vampire that wasn’t disposable, he was a Big Bad. Saving Buffy wasn’t part of his purpose - quite the contrary, because the core concept of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is having a girl doing the saving. 

Every relationship has a power imbalance: you may care more about the other person than they care about you, you need the other person more than they do, you are more dependable than they are, you are more experienced or powerful than they are; etc. Buffy is a bit stronger than Angel, but she’s also younger and less experienced. Angel needs Buffy more than Buffy needs him, but Buffy relies on Angel’s expertise and emotional support a lot. No two people in a relationship are 100% equal, and Buffy and Angel certainly have their challenges, but no one is taken advantage of, or manipulated or lied to. Buffy and Angel treat, respect and trust, each other as equals. Angel respects Buffy’s youth, and the fact that it might make her more vulnerable. He respects that Buffy’s the Slayer, and thus, the authority in certain matters. Buffy respects that she knows a side of Angel he keeps hidden from everyone else. She doesn’t use his past actions as Angelus, or his vulnerability, against him. 

That’s equality in a relationship: mutual respect, trust, and not having power over someone because of your role in their lives (eg. a teacher and a student will never be equals because the teacher is responsible for the student). In real life, a teenager and a much older man wouldn’t be equals. But the power structure is different in the Buffyverse: you have teenagers responsible for saving the world, and centuries old vampires who don’t have a place in society. 

So yes, I do see a power imbalance with Buffy and Angel, but I don’t think that it makes the relationship unhealthy, abusive, or ultimately, unequal. 

Thanks for the ask! 

(@sulietsexual​, @mrsgordo84​, @buffy-angel-and-co​, @gracenm​ can chime in if they want to.)

[murphystartedthefire]

On Family, Spacekru, and The End of The Blakes

Okay, some meta just poured out of me, because I just think people who whine and whine about Bellamy calling spacekru his family (a lot) are missing the most key thing about it, which has nothing to do with Clarke and everything to do with his separation from Octavia.

When we first see Bellamy in 5x01 he is *completely focused* on getting back to Earth, and it’s explicitly because he wants to get back to his sister. The whole first scene on the Ring he’s tense about how long they’ve been stuck up there. People baited themselves into a frenzy about the ‘Bellamy longingly looking out the window’ thing but in the end it was really about Octavia. When he’s reassuring Echo later, his one moment of fear creeps in when he says “if she’s okay and alive...” There’s all this dramatic irony about the fact he still believes Clarke is dead; Octavia is the one he assumes is in danger from Eligius ‘til he finds out otherwise.

It’s a huge deal for him to have gone that long without being able to protect her or know that she’s safe. She’s still frozen in his mind like that, and the only two options seem to be that the worst has happened and she’s dead, or she’s alive and everything else will work itself out once they’re back together. The third option, which he has no way of predicting and becomes the whole thing of the season, is that she’s survived and become someone he doesn’t recognize.

(And to a less dramatic but very real extent -- he’s become someone she wouldn’t recognize either, in a way he didn’t see because he didn’t feel himself change that much. Not just the initial conflict of ‘someone who’s dating her former enemy’. Someone who would turn on her. Someone who isn’t willing to sacrifice for her anymore.)

And I guess what I’m trying to get at is this -- since the beginning of the show (and, y’know, her life) Octavia has been the most important person to Bellamy and the center of his world, to a degree that was often and increasingly unhealthy on both sides. And for me, almost shockingly, finally dissolving that was the arc that season 5 pulled of the best.

His loss of connection to her wasn’t about Echo (as a bunch of people feared but actually became a non-issue almost immediately since - credit where it’s due - Octavia *was*  willing to use Echo as a spy and let her prove herself, and she didn’t shoot her along with the defectors). It wasn’t entirely about spacekru, though it didn’t *help* that she called half of them acceptable losses and was gonna sic the worms on them. It really was mostly about the choices she was making and the creepy dictator she was being. The fact she blamed him for saving them and then actively threatened his life, like, a day into him being there. The fact she was determined to fight an unnecessary war when he was Really Fucking Tired and would not mind just keeping everybody alive. That she was ready to force him and Indra and Gaia to fight to the death, that she burned down Monty’s farm and their chance at salvation out of spite. All that happened before he semi-disowned her.

AND a big part of the break was about Clarke too -- I mean, that’s canon, I don’t think Bellarke fans are ~crazy for reading it that way or anything. It was the direct catalyst to him poisoning her. He was willing to betray Octavia’s trust in him and risk her life to save Clarke’s.

But it wasn’t Clarke who was immediately there to back him up and be his substitute person/family after doing that -- that would come way later in the (uh, pretty rushed?) conclusion and probably next season. Their priorities were still at odds with each other and crashed right into a second betrayal situation, yada yada.

To actually cut ties with Octavia -- in a way that eventually might mend but is *never* gonna be a “she is his driving motivation and the most important person in the world” relationship again -- what Bellamy ultimately needed was that time/distance to see her with different eyes, and he also needed to have another support system to attach to. Losing her, physically or emotionally, in the earlier seasons would have broken him, and for better or worse (better IMO) it *doesn’t* now.

He had this whole other tight-knit group of people he is protective of and who support him in return. (Remember when Monty rushed into the fighting pits with his little world-saving plant? Remember when Echo, Murphy, and Emori were the cavalry that came for him in the valley when ~Wonkru~ was nowhere to be found? Raven didn’t stay on Eligius and then spend the whole season stuck behind enemy lines for y’all to say nobody else cares about Space Family as much as Bellamy does. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER DEAL WITH IT and while his Best Dad/Big Brother side is on full display, it’s not just another situation where they’re a responsibility on his shoulders; it’s always gone in the other direction too.)

And that’s how you get Bellamy Blake to a place when he can tell Octavia to fuck herself and still be whole. People who hate Octavia have spent, like, three seasons wanting that but now they’re mad it wasn’t the way they wanted it to happen (even though a significant part of it was exactly how they wanted it to happen, but don’t get me started). People who don’t hate Octavia, I’m not trying to minimize how rocky all this was or paint her as evil, but I would argue it leaves the door open for them to make amends and end up in a healthier place.

My biggest frustration with the Blakes from pretty much that Yikes Beating onward was how lopsided their relationship was. It always came back to Bellamy seeking forgiveness from her, because his love (despite some of the paternalism and fuckups) was a given in the other direction, unconditional, no matter what she did. I think there is truth to something JRoth said about Bellamy being more of a parent to her than a brother, and ultimately that’s a dynamic that had to stop. (One can probably debate how *extremely* it had to be ended. Like, I for one was totally down with him saying he wanted her to die, I think that was pretty proportional to the extremeness of her Bloodreina-ness, but YMMV.)

But basically it needed to change, and a cool way of doing that was having him come through a situation where for *six years*, longer than he’s been without Octavia since she was BORN, he was focused on these other six people instead and came to think of them as an adopted family -- the only one most of them had. It’s arguably the first time since his formative, messy childhood that he wasn’t essentially living his life For Her anymore. (Even if she weighed on his mind a lot, there was nothing he could do about it.) And now, because ‘family’ no longer just meant this one blood-related person he needed and was defined by, whose health and safety his happiness relied on... he was less inclined when he came back to Unconditionally love and accept the awful and destructive person she was being, which was like all her worst impulses turned up to 11,000. And I’m glad that he wasn’t obligated to (I don’t think it would’ve been good for either of them). I don’t think without spacekru that would’ve been really possible.