#null vents

[samurotting]

this election is making me a nervous fucking wreck

[mamuzzy]

I see one more post about how the Nulls are just poor little sad autistic meowmeow victims of Kal's ableist machinations and that being psychos are just rumors or he personally maintains mental illness in them, I will start a riot.

Admit it, dude, when you see the word "psycho" you don't think of people with Antisocial Personality Disorder, you think about the stereotypical serial killers the media slaps you with. If you don't know what behaviour patterns to look for, you won't find the clues exactly why are they "psychos". You expect a bloodbath, but ASPD is not about bloodbath!

Stop fucking victimizing the Nulls all the time. They are very much aware of their own mind, and they are very much aware that Kal is a manipulative bastard sometimes, and they are totally okay with it!

Stop fucking erasing their mental illnesses by saying shit that is all the fabrication of Kal! Seriously at this point, you give too much credit to this man.

sincerely, a random dude on the internet with an actual personality disorder.

[itsoktocallmegay]

You know, I’ve seen more people learn about abrosexual and abroromantic lately, but even queer people do not seem to understand just what that can mean for an abro person, especially multigender and genderfluid abrospecs. Like, yes, sometimes I’m a lesbian, and sometimes I’m a gay man. Yes, sometimes I’m omni or pan. And, this is made worse by those who don’t know what the Split Attraction Model is or monos who don’t support it, because sometimes I feel no romantic or sexual attraction (I mostly identify as an angled aroace,) sometimes I’m panromantic and omnisexual, other times I’m panplantonic and switch to omniplatonic. And, sometimes I switch between aspec identities as well, like switching from cupioromantic to demiromantic, or from cupiosexual to apohtiosexual to orchidsexual, or demiplantonic to caedplatonic to orchidplantoic, and so on. Abro literally just means one’s orientation is fluid or changes, and people will say it’s a valid label and then turn around and call other labels abrospec people use invalid. I’m so tired of making my abro and genderfluid identity more palatable to others.

[nullyetinfinite]

need someone kinda toxic to beat me up rn

[nu1lst4rs]

feminine urge to rant about how unfair a situation is and how it fucked you up while knowing ranting will do nothing to change the actual situation but damn also being able to know others think its fucked up would help

anyways how do i stay in contact with people im scared to message (anxiety and awkwardness has this girl pinned down)

[nulljeager]

D-I-S-P-O-S-A-B-L-E That's all I'll ever be

Reblogs > Likes

[sp1resong]

shoutout to people who aren't masc, fem, neutral, or any combination of the above we are out here in the fucking trenches

[dread-knight]

[jellycreamjammedart]

As if trying to coax, guilt and force me to see dad the entire afternoon today then failing couldn't get clearer what my decision is, mom deadass went behind my back and against all my very clear repeated wishes and boundaries and fucking allowed him back in our house

I fucking hate my entire family

[red-dyed-sarumane]

null's one of my fave vocaP easily but like. are they okay. they have 4 songs and its literally inability to deal with loss (redraw), neglect & isolation (ai wo), futility of chasing happiness (shiawasekai), and now emptiness of trying to be something ur not to gain acceptance (void) like has anyone checked in on them are they doing okay personally

[swordsonnet]

hm. maybe the US has too much power, actually.

[samurotting]

I wish ppl gave more of a shit about the suffering women/POC/queer + disabled are forced to experience. I don't care if it's because you don't experience it yourself. Just because you're not affected by it doesn't mean it's not an issue.

[kibblekorn]

(Worry post wdk)

Am I a bad person?? Oh gods am I horrible? Am I too much?? AM I A BAD PERSON :(

[nullyetinfinite]

beginning to think I'm really only comfortable having sex with a specific demographic of people, and I'm not sure how to feel about that because I'm used to objectifying myself to the others.

but then again, it kinda almost feels freeing actually enjoying sex and not just going through the steps of sex. it's also nice to not have to have the kind of sex which is expected of me due to my body parts.

maybe at one point I'll be ready to shift to that, but I almost feel obligated to continue what I'm doing now. which probably isn't good for me nor is honest to myself or others.

I'm not sure if I'm afraid of the judgement of others, or afraid that I'm no longer pleasing the vast majority. either way it doesn't really serve me.

[rosekins621]

When your mom is Claude Fuastus core Karen core and she doesn't want to wait for the pharmacy clinic appointment for you and wants you to just ask to go in front of people and gets all pissy when you can't just ask to go in front of other people

[dnalkaline]

I don't even know why the fuck I try anymore.

It feels like everything important to me always feels the need to be ripped out in the worst way possible.

Every time I try saving up for a vacation or to go to an event I've always wanted to go to, I end up having some kind of freak accident or health issue that makes me pay out the ass from the money I saved up and then if I can still go I basically have to walk around broke.

And the worst part is, after I nearly died because my dad refuses to ever do checkups on his car and assured me the brakes etc. were completely fine (despite that thing being a death trap), he keeps refusing responsibility and keeps going "it was fine :/// idk what happened" despite literally everyone who looked at the car report said that if I tried to drive home that night, my car WOULD have had the tie rod snap and the rusted breaks would have immediately caused me to spin out of control on the highway and probably kill me. It's like he doesn't even care. He didn't have any reaction when he was told about this. I almost started crying because he's supposed to be the "good" parent but... idk. It always feels like people SAY they care about me just to make themselves feel better but people rarely actually SHOW they do.

Being in poverty would be enough but my life just feels the need to be gut punch after gut punch. I lose inheritance that was promised to me that would immediately make my life insanely easier at the drop of a hat just bc the person (has repeatedly) decided to change their mind and sell it for themself or give it to someone else. Everyone I've ever truly loved IRL as family has been taken from me and released from this mortal coil. And now with my brain disease I'm starting to lose the only thing I ever really prided myself on- my mind.

After the pandemic made everyone's finances eat shit, nobody wants my art anymore (right when I was starting to gain some traction!) and I have to spend my time bending over backwards for a bunch of really demanding gig work that I didn't even really have a choice in doing.

I'm too disabled to work a "real" job but too mentally competent that I got denied and even if I do EVENTUALLY win it could take years to get SSI and my rights as a human being will be limited. I used to try to put my foot in the door for like webcomic startups and shit like that as a contracted worker and every single time I get hired the company goes under and I barely have anything to show for it. I want to submit to the local art gallery to maybe get my works out there and possibly find someone who wants to buy them but there's a fee to it and I just. idk.

I keep trying to make myself feel better and less "useless" by donating old stuff or giving it to friends who might need it. And usually this helps but. I don't know. I don't even know how to talk to people about this because to be honest my therapist is kind of stumped on how to help me now. Like she's trying her best and she does have good advice it's just there's only so much you can do when there are circumstances out of your control beating the shit out of you constantly. And I can't afford to be sent to the mental hospital and even if I WAS, the last time I was there was so traumatizing due to the racism and negligence that I don't want to go back.

Maybe it would be better if I had some IRL friends to hang out with more but most of the guys I would hang out with either committed suicide or I stopped talking to them because I realized that I wasn't being treated very well. I don't know what to do. My therapist assures me I'm constantly just being dealt a bad hand of cards and I'm doing my best but I don't care anymore. I hate being alive. I hate my life so much.

I don't even know why the fuck I'm writing this. I guess I just want it to be known *somewhere* that I haven't been very well for a very long time and if I just randomly disappear one day you can all probably guess what happened. I'm not going to do anything stupid tonight but I've been fighting the urge near-daily for the past few months while trying to pretend I can keep making it through. I don't know. I just want everything to stop I wish miracles were real. I hate how you can fight depression and suicide ideation for over a decade and it feels like it's never gets much better.

It doesn't help I keep having this OCD fear that I'm going to die before my next birthday and all the stuff lately is freaking me out.

I'm crying too hard to keep typing and looking at what im typing so idk if you read all this thanks ill probably feel better after a nap or something but everything just feles so fucking exhausting