#now you wont harm me?
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#okay so#im just flattering myself#thinking too much about it#and#i make all these scenarios in my head that i dont want#but theyre still there#hes nice?#like im genuinely glad he thought about me and realized he was being 'weird'#so he fought hard or some shit#so he wouldnt be one more weirdo ig?#BUT WHY#genuinely#i dont get it#you listen to me talk about how fucking stupid i am and that i cant say no that dont fight back and what do you do?#fuck#you dont do anything#you#change?#you decide to be a good fucking person?#why#i mean#you said youd kill me#like youd murder us#but now youre nice or something#now you wont harm me?#you could have#you came here and we were alone and you did nothing#which is good#but still infuriates me
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lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)
if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.
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no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.
I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.
I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.
If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.
#cw: suicidal ideation#cw: suicide#cw: self harm#cw: mental health#cw: depression#i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it#i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague#it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves#so. please dont#for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic#with the state of the world as it is#having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful#but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full#and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead#i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us#there is no fix-all#and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile#i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it#thank you for reading#and please stay alive#stillindigo art#stillindigo comics
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Run, Rabbit
König/Reader
Wordcount: 3.8k
Warnings: 18+, Violence, Injury, Smut, lightly noncon but in the way that you're fighting it but are down, König being insane
No use of Y/N
Summary: You're on a solo mission in Romania, and König goes hunting
A/N: "Oh look another predator/prey coded Konig fic how original" SHUT UP I KNOW
AO3: Run, Rabbit
18+
You’re in the forests of Romania on a solo mission, snooping around an abandoned military base that’s been the location of some suspicious activity, according to your sources. You find the ghost of the for-hire group Kortac in rat-chewed maps and files, faint footprints in layers of dust, but the trail has long gone cold, the building slowly being reclaimed by nature. The trees show no sign of the changes of autumn, but it's in the air, the late summer whisper of a chill in the breeze. You take your time picking your way along the overgrown roads, enjoying the tranquility of the forest. The extraction point is ten clicks west of your position, but you’re content with your steady pace, the sun still high in the sky, shining brightly through the thick foliage, and the hike is an easy one. Your meager findings are carefully folded in your bag of gear, your gun snug on your hip. Ten meters to your right, a red deer raises its head up, watching you warily, before bolting away into the trees. You smile to yourself and raise your face to better feel the sun.
You hear the crack of the shot and drop, but not quickly enough. Your ears ring, your shoulder burning agonizingly, like someone’s pushing a hot poker against it. You fight against the nausea and pain, willing yourself to move, scrambling into the brush for cover. The shot came from your six, and you grapple for your binoculars, trying to locate the shooter on the hill above you. You recognize the mask first, the bleached tear tracks down an executioner's hood, the hulking form of the figure wearing it unfortunately familiar. König is standing casually, seemingly unafraid of any return of fire, staring down like he can see you through the trees. The hairs on the back of your neck prickle instinctually as he begins to move, a sauntering pace down the hill like the slow lope of a wolf. You drop down again, ignoring the pain in your shoulder as you crawl through the underbrush.
Nestled low on a hill, large body half buried in the underbrush, König watches you through the scope of his rifle, toying with the idea of killing you. He recognizes you from the files he’s seen on the 141, but there was nothing left at the base for you to find, no reason to draw suspicion and attention back here. You were harmless like this, and magnetic, head tilted towards the sun, your face lit up in a wash of gold light that plays up the color of your hair. His finger brushes lightly across the trigger as he contemplates his options. He rolls his neck loose before glancing through his scope again.
You stop behind a small boulder, pressing your back to it, breathing heavily, and pull your radio off of your hip. “Bravo Six, this is Bravo Seven Four, over.”
The crackle of the radio is a relief, Price’s voice faint but firm. “Go ahead Bravo Seven Four, over.”
“Enemies one; direction east of my grid two hundred meters, injury sustained, six clicks out of extraction point, over.” You peek out from behind the rock, but can't see anything, so you continue your crawl, waiting for a response. The birds have stopped singing, a deadly quiet that warns of danger.
“Stay calm Bravo Seven Four–” Price’s voice is cut off by the sound of another bullet whizzing near you. You can’t have your radio giving away your position, and the squad is too far away to reach you before König could. You grab your radio and quickly press the button.
“Bravo Six, silence, meet at extraction, over.” You turn it off, not waiting for a response, and tuck it back into your belt. Ignoring the growing burning in your shoulder, you move as quickly through the underbrush as you can. You need to cover more ground if you’re going to make it out of here, so you weigh your options, propping yourself into a low crouch, scanning the woods behind you. You can’t see or hear anything. You inhale deeply, then break into a sprint.
The cracking of branches is faint, but König is listening for it, his rifle slung over his shoulder as he searches for you. He immediately changes directions, moving towards the noise and quickening his pace. If you want to run, he’s more than happy to indulge you, relishing the adrenaline of the chase. Your trail is clear, broken branches like a beacon beckoning him closer. He spots blood on one of the low boulders, and swipes it up on his gloved hand, smiling under the mask.
You're hyper aware of your disadvantage, the sounds of snapping branches as your pursuer draws closer, the sluggish flow of blood down your shoulder from where the bullet grazed you. Your lungs burn, head woozy as you run hard, branches scraping at your form. You risk a look over your shoulder, searching for König behind you, and your heart drops when you miss a step.
All of a sudden, you're falling, hands stretched out in front of you as you tumble down a steep hill. You hear and feel the snap of your ankle in your boot, a whimpering sob yanked from your chest as you finally land heavily in some thorn covered bushes, branches scratching your body even through the thick fabric of your uniform. You pull yourself out, ignoring the pain as thorns drag against your face, drawing blood, then scan yourself quickly, the prognosis bleak. You can't run, not with what is definitely a broken ankle, and your shoulder is still oozing freely, but you won’t go down without a fight. You drag yourself through the dirt using your good arm, stopping periodically to listen to the sounds of König moving through the trees. Your entire body burns, and you fight against the growing fatigue that’s threatening to overwhelm you, trying to hold onto your quickly waning adrenaline.
The sound of breaking branches draws nearer. He’s moving faster, heavy footfalls that make your leg muscles twitch with the urge to run. König whistles, high and loud, and you reach for your gun, cocking it as quietly as you can, turning around to face the direction of the noise, crouching low. Your heart pounds in your chest, fear creeping in, the weight of your situation crashing down on you.
“I heard you cry out,” a voice rings through the trees. There's something light in König’s tone, like this has all been a game of tag. “You can't be too far.”
Then the only sound is the breeze, rustling in the leaves. Blood from a cut on your forehead drips into your eye, and you resist the urge to wipe it away, scanning your surroundings as best you can without moving.
The unwelcome feeling of the muzzle of a gun presses against the side of your head, and your body shudders involuntarily.
“Drop your weapon, Häschen,” König murmurs. You comply immediately, tossing it at his feet, unwilling to argue with a Beretta at your temple. The large man quickly kicks your gun into the bushes. “Sit up,” he commands, and you move slowly, trying not to aggravate your broken bone.
The small shack hasn’t been used in a while, the table in the center of the room is covered in dust, and spiders have made their home in the corners, spinning silvery streamers that hang down, brushing against his helmet. König places you lightly on the small bed in the corner, stooping over uncomfortably in the low room. Your hair is full of sticks and leaves, your face scraped and bleeding. He needs to look at your shoulder, and the ankle you’d been hovering over protectively, but work comes first. You’ve thrown him off, his fingers tingling where he held you to him, the phantom pressure of your head on his chest as he carried your unconscious body through the woods haunting him even now. He grabs your gear bag, dumping it unceremoniously onto the table, pulling your medkit to the side before rifling through the papers you’d found. The information was outdated, but he shoves the papers into one of the pockets of his pants for disposal later regardless.
You knew he was large, but kneeling at his feet he feels like a goliath, towering over you, the gun held in his grip looking comically small in his giant hands. He holsters it, and you get a stupid, moronic, brilliant idea. In a quick motion, you’ve ripped your radio off of your belt, pressing down on the button and bringing it to your lips. “MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY–” König slams the heel of his palm into the back of your head, and the world goes dark.
He doesn’t bother stripping you properly, just takes his knife and slices it up through the collar of your shirt, baring your shoulder to him. His eyes, unbidden, trace the line of the now exposed column of your throat, and he swallows loudly in the quiet of the room. König draws his attention back to your injury with some difficulty. He barely even grazed you, the puckered wound bleeding sluggishly, and he quietly gloats at his own aim. When he pours alcohol on it, you awaken with a hiss, throwing your arm out hard in his direction reflexively before your brain catches up with you. He deflects you easily, wrapping large fingers around your wrist, enjoying the feeling of the delicate bones, watching with silent smugness as your confusion reads clear on your face.
“Guten tag,” he says, pleasantly casual, as though you’ve run into him at the grocery store. Your head is pounding, and you’re thrown, trying to grasp your surroundings. Your shoulder is burning, and you’re suddenly aware of the air on your bare skin. You rip your hand out of his grasp, pulling yourself as far away from him on the small bed as you can manage. He tilts his head, studying you.
“What are you doing?” You ask, your voice hard.
König gestures with the alcohol he’s holding. “I’m patching up your injuries.” His voice is low, his accent curling around the syllables of his sentences like smoke.
You blink at him, utterly disarmed. “Why,” you pause, biting your cheek as a wave of pain radiates through your ankle, “Are you patching up my injuries?”
“Would you prefer it if I left them?” He volleys back lightly, tilting his head.
You don’t say anything, staring at him with suspicion. He’s got you cornered, quite literally, and there’s no way you can get away from him with your ankle like this unless you can get your hands on a weapon. There’s a knife tucked in your boot, but you can’t exactly pull it out subtly. His beretta is on his hip, his rifle is leaning against the table, but you’d be lying to yourself if you thought you had a chance in hell of reaching either before he could.
König takes your silence for compliance and goes back to dabbing your wound with alcohol. You flinch when he places his hand on you, and he makes a dissatisfied noise in the back of his throat. “Such a nervous little rabbit.” The mask conceals his expression from you, but you can hear the frown in his voice.
“You shot me,” you respond dryly. “Doesn’t exactly foster trust.”
“Just a scratch. I could’ve killed you, if I wanted to.” He shrugs, a casual movement that’s unintentionally intimidating, your eyes on the way his shoulder muscles move beneath the layers of clothing he wears.
You spend your time with large men, the boys of your team all averaging above six feet, but König is just startlingly gigantic. You scan his torso, eyes tracing across the wide planes of his chest, lingering too long to be decent. You catch yourself and drop your gaze down to your hands. “If you don’t want to kill me, what do you want?”
“I want to know what you are doing here.” His tone is still pleasant, but interrogative. His fingers are deliberate, surprisingly gentle as he bandages your shoulder, but there’s an unspoken thread of tension in the air.
You’re much more docile when he patches up your ankle, an uneasy truce between the two of you. You sit still as he splints it, legs draped almost intimately over his lap, his large fingers curled around your injured leg, gentle pressure holding you steady as he works. He adjusts his hold, squeezing lightly on the meat of your calf, and your breathing stutters. His eyes flick to yours, something dangerous in their expression, and you hold his gaze as you deliberately drag your uninjured leg closer to you, your boot trailing across König's upper thighs intentionally. His eyes slip close at the sensation, just for a moment, and that's when you act, yanking your knife out of your boot and sinking it into his thigh and launching yourself to the floor. He lets out a snarling cry, and you scramble up, your vision going white from the pain of your ankle, but you push through it, sprinting out of the shack.
“Chasing shadows.” You respond, your voice equally mild. You know he looked through your pack and probably found the papers. You wonder if he thought it was ironic that you came sniffing after KorTac, just to run right into him. You certainly did.
You can't run properly, reduced to a hobble that's made all the more difficult by the fact that you're on uneven terrain in the quickly growing dark. You need to figure out your location and find a way to contact your team, but you’re disoriented and disarmed. You haven’t made it more than a few meters when you hear the sound of the front door slam open. You pick up the pace, trying to put as much distance between you and the very angry Austrian hot on your trail.
“Häschen,” König’s voice rings through the trees, and a trickle of fear runs through you. You duck behind a tree, pressing yourself against it firmly, trying to blend in with the darkness.
“Always trying to run away,” he snarls, shoving his body against yours. He thrusts his uninjured thigh between your legs, pinning you further, and you let out an unintentional gasp at the sudden pressure of hard muscle against your core. König instantly pulls away, his eyes shooting down to your ankle with concern, before dragging slowly up your body, his gaze accusatory.
He can hear you breathing, light and quick, and he doesn’t even try to disguise the heavy sound of his footsteps as he closes in on you. He whips around the tree you’re cowering against, and you try to bolt, but he wraps his fingers around your bicep, yanking you back, slamming his hands above your head, trapping you against the tree.
“You like this,” he says, and you shake your head desperately.
“I don’t–” he interrupts any denials you might have, deliberately grinding his thigh in between your legs. You clench your teeth against the noise it draws from your throat.
He leans impossibly closer, your noses almost brushing through the hood he wears. “Did you like the chase as well?” His voice is a husky rumble, full of heat, and you have to bite back a whine. “I liked the chase.” You realize the hard length against your stomach isn't his Beretta, and an unwanted spike of arousal shoots through you in response.
“You’re insane,” you snap, grappling for some semblance of control over the building pleasure in your core. König pulls away from you abruptly, and you flush at how wet you are, soaking through your underwear.
“How about a game, Häschen?” his voice has lost its edge, back to the pleasant tone he used in the shack, and your head spins at the sudden change. “I'll give you five minutes to run or hide, and if you can make it ten minutes without me finding you, I’ll take you to your extraction point myself, safe and sound.”
Your heart races. You don’t trust him, but there's no way you'll get another chance to get away from him. “And if I can’t?” You ask.
You know you’re fucked, but you scramble through the darkness as quickly as you can, trying to find a good place to hide. If your ankle wasn’t broken, you’d climb a tree, but you’re stuck searching for ground cover, listening with mounting paranoia to the quiet noises of the forest. You’re a celestial body pulled unwillingly into König’s orbit; collision unavoidable.
He says nothing, just purposefully presses his hard cock against your center. Traitorous want flows through you.
You hear him coming, branches breaking as he stalks towards you. You stand as straight as you can, letting him approach you, his eyes bright in the dim of twilight. When he comes within range, you lunge for his gun, almost succeeding in yanking it out of the holster before he grabs you around the waist and pulls you to the ground, pinning you roughly beneath him.
Even as he manhandles you, you're hyper aware of the delicate way he avoids putting any weight near your injured shoulder. He's got your legs splayed around him, but he's careful, adjusting you just so, keeping your ankle tucked safely away, angled so he won't jostle it. His hips press obscenely against your ass, and you can't help arching your back into him, begging for his cock even as you swear at him.
“Get the fuck off of me,” you spit, and he just laughs, an off-putting, mean sound, before reaching around and ripping open your pants. The button pops off, and the zipper teeth split forcefully apart as he shoves a hand into your underwear.
“Complain all you want, Häschen, but you're soaked for me,” he coos into your ear, roughly rubbing your clit. You moan at the contact, and he moves his hand lower, pressing his palm against your clit before shoving a finger into your wet center, roughly splitting you open. You gasp at the sudden stretch, König giving you no time to adjust as he pulls his finger out for a moment and plunges it back in, moving in and out at a punishing pace.
“Tell the truth.” He orders, adding a second finger. He curls them, stroking your inner walls, bullying you open until he finds the spot that makes you see stars. “Say you want me to fuck you.”
You're beyond words, making a derisive noise that transforms into a whine as you move your hips back, driving König's fingers deeper, your ass rubbing against his clothed erection. All you can focus on is the press of his body against yours, his fingers unspooling you, pulling you apart as he pants along with you. The tension is building, the knot in your stomach tightening as König forces you closer to the edge.
He pulls his fingers out abruptly, leaving you devastatingly empty and unsatisfied, and you let out an anguished whimper despite yourself. He pushes your pants roughly down around your thighs, and the purr of his zipper opening makes you clench reflexively around nothing.
He presses right against your entrance, a breath away from splitting you open on his cock. You shove your hips back, trying to fuck yourself onto him, and he pulls back. “Say you want this,” he demands.
“Fuck. You.” You snarl, even as your thighs tremble. He drags the head of his cock up through your folds, coating himself in your wetness, and you gasp.
“Such spirit,” he murmurs. In a single motion, he sinks into you, splitting you in open, pulling the air from your lungs.
He thrusts into you fast and hard, like he wants to tear you open, and it hurts, even with how soaked you are. You cry out, trying to squirm away from the pain. His fingers find your clit again, his breath hot in your ear. He dwarfs you, your legs shaking from pleasure and the weight of him on top of you, pressing you into the dirt.
“You wanted this.” His voice is a panting snarl, his talented fingers stealing your senses as he forces you closer to your orgasm. The sound of skin slapping against skin fills the forest air as he pounds into you without mercy. “Say it.”
“I want this,” you whimper. You feel the shocking whisper of his lips against the junction of your neck and shoulder and realize with a start that means he’s not wearing his hood. All thoughts are shoved out of your head as he sinks his teeth into your skin, and you wail as you snap, the sensation dragging you over the edge, your body trembling as you cum. His thrusts become sloppy, his cock twitching inside you as he shoves his hips against yours, filling you up. He stays like that, flush against you, as his dick softens, keeping you full and trapped under him.
You lay in the dirt panting, hollowed out and raw. There are pine needles prickling against your skin, soreness awakening in your limbs as you come back to yourself. König climbs off of you, still cognizant of your injuries, and pulls you into his lap, wrapping his arms around you like a lover, the brutality melting into tenderness like watercolor. His hood is back in place, and the world comes crashing down around you as your senses return, the weight of your actions pulling you down as regret and shame bubble under your skin.
The walk to the extraction point is silent. König holds you cradled against his chest; your hand fisted in the front of the vest he wears. His thigh burns, his entire body consumed with exhaustion, but he clenches his jaw against the pain, focusing instead on your face, turnt up towards him, open and vulnerable, eyes rimmed with red. If he was a better man, he'd be sorry.
König notices your eyes glazing over, the warble of your chin, and reaches up a large hand to cradle your face, wiping away tears you didn't realize were threatening to fall. “Hush bunny, you did so well,” he croons down at you, his saccharine actions thrown in high relief against how violently he handled you before. “Such a good girl for me.”
He sets you down gently on a large rock, and pulls your knife out of a hidden pocket, his hand raised in a placating gesture as he slowly places it beside you. It’s still got his blood on it, dried to rust on the tip. You don’t reach for it, pulling your uninjured leg up and wrapping your arms around yourself. You look even smaller than you did before.
He straightens his spine against the odd sensation in his chest. “Tell your captain to keep a closer eye on his men,” He orders, then reaches out a hand, hovering just above your cheek bone. Neither of you bridge the gap.
You watch him disappear into the trees, the shadows swallowing him whole, the sound of a helicopter in the distance.
#konig: i showed minimal restraint when causing u bodily harm y wont u let me hit#part of me didnt want to post it because its simply so unoriginal but thats kind of how tropes work fun fact#I also just hate how it turned out eventually I'll rewrite everything but for now I'm just sorry#foreplay is actually shooting someone nonfatally btw#and reader has a pain tolerance like a mother fucker because this is poorly written fanfiction#I cannot write smut I literally wrote everything but the sex and then sat on it for weeks I have such a hard time with it#konig x reader#konig fanfiction#konig x reader smut#konig x you#cod konig#konig/reader#cod x reader#konig cod
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went to post this on twitter but i didnt wanna get banned . crazy that u can scrape my entire lifes work and i cant even tell u to die over it <3
#im just so ........#grips fists#i feel Helpless#i hate feeling like the people i know are receding further and further Away from art communities and the public because its so#painful right now#to be posting art :(#it just IS.#and to the motherfuckers in Toyhouse doing this like... i cannot stress enough how much if u called me rn i would tell u to die 2 ur face#i just... cant pretend like im Okay with u being anywhere Near the same space as me anymore <3#there are people i Hate on an individual level and#i still want to see them eat. just not at my table#but to everyone who Scrapes Art. I want you to Die <3 ....#you value having pretty little image and serving yourself over the grief of millions of artists#to the point where you break into Our spaces where we trust that we're at least safe from *you* motherfuckers#and take Even More ...#youre fucking#selfish and greedy#truly an embodiment of every fucking sin#unable to fucking Help Yourself ?#imagine if all of these people were like. contributing to society.or. idk. DRAWING#the Waste it generates stresses me out to no fucking end too#like you will literally harm the entire human race for Yourself#i Hate you . I Hate you so Wholly#I hate Everything you are and Everything you have done to me and Everything you have done to my community and my peers#yeah. i want you to Die. The same way i want a politician to die.#no human Deserves death <3 but i still want you to <3#annnyyywaayyyyyss#i wont tag this as my art LMFAO its basically a fucking#vent post#i just HAD to get my feelings out cuz genuinely every time i talk about this with my friends it
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I don't even consider myself a liberal but the way people who consider themselves further left talk about this group (assigned by them) is so patronising and annoying it makes me ashamed.
#this post prompted by the idea that anyone nervous about the supposed bloody revolution we are totally going to have#is a priviliged liberal who doesnt understand the true exploitation their country has done#wait no they actually said anyone who is worried about violent unrest turning on marginilised people is a lib#like thats literally happening right now in the uk with islamophobia#people who probably have shit lives are 'rising up' and attacking mosques#the revolution will be perfect and pure and only harm the ruling class (whatever that means under the current class system)#more like no it wont ever fucking happen#convince me that it will without putting me in the 'people you hate' bin#if you cant do even that then how will you ever convince the mosque attackers?#you will need to do that in order to overthrow the ruling class!
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i bet raymond has coped with suicidal thoughts in thee worst way possible
#no confirmation on if he's ever felt actually suicidal but i mean. how could he not. and the journal entries get p close to outright saying#i wanna fuckin KILL myselffffff WAAAAAAAAA#like it's not a 'i owe it to myself to get better and build a good life' cause that's impossible#it's not 'this too shall pass' cause it fucking doesnt#it's not 'there are people who love me and rely on me' because there's fucking no one and honestly his presence is more harm than help#honestly it's probably something like 'as bad as it is now it will be infinitely worse when you die and you're running out of time to#fix this so you have to live every second trying to fix this and if you fail it's eternal suffering and everyone was right about you and#you'll be stuck in the mom's rotting flesh dimension forever and ever'#hows that for motivation#normalposting#mr delver i wont u...
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On the one hand I have alot of self restraint when it comes to me doing things that I know will eventually hurt me but also I really want to do the things that will hurt me.
#wish I had the same urges for helping myself in the long run instead#but alas I want to no longer be a thinking human being who feels things#wouldnt life be so much better if you just gave in and then die? I think it would.#like genuinely all I’ve been thinking about is alcohol I want alcohol so bad#and I almost accepted some cigarettes from a coworker I am not having a good time#I cannot let myself have any nicotine I know I will become unbearable and the absolute worst human being#I am barely a decent human being now#like realistically I know I should like. not purposely do things that end up hurting me or cause actually harm to my body#but also I genuinely want nothing more than to simply not exist#but also doing certain things will make me more aware of my body and of my thoughts#idk very much a ‘I think I need therapy’ hour#the thing vents#idk not really negative but I’m tired of having ‘ooooh you want to drink so bad oooooh you want to smoke so bad oooooo#‘oooooh you want to hurt yourself so bad so you can stop having these thoughts oooooo’#like shut the fuck up and enjoy the moment and be happy but my brain fucjing wont
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Im wanna evil laugh in my mothers face and to just make her shut up omg
#shes mad at my sister and wont stop ranting#bc my sister is following in her footsteps#and is dating a guy for the past year and a half that is exactly like our dad#and my mother has threatened to divorce and run away from my father many many times#she almost took us and like ran away back to the home country when we were kids but she was afraid hed retaliate#and use the law against her to take us away from her#thats the reaosn she didnt#and like#now shes like: IM MAD AT YOU 😠😠😠😠#at my sister#and i have to yell at my mother to stop being a bitch to my sister#bc she ended up always siding with our father#back when he made fun of my self harm scars she was like :) yeah we ignoring this#she dumps everything on me#she is NOT innocent#by fucking far#and im not here for her dumping all her resentment against my father on my sister rn#just bc my sister cant resolve her issues and has chosen the wrong guy#my sister us working on it#or at least thats what she keeps saying#im trying to helo ease her through it#but he freaked out about her belly button piercing and SHE TOOK IT OUT BEFORE IT HEALED#AND THIS FAMILY IS A MESS#and yeah okay maybe one day i will accept and will not live in denial that this is all toxic#me unable to touch my family or say i like them since i can remember? dysfunctional who?#ignore me
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#battery acid suffering#.#..#…#….#self harm#self harm mention#<——————1—————————————————————-biiiiiiig divider——————————————————————————————————->#grrrrrrrr#the desire is so strong#i need to ffuckingggggg tear my skin apart#grrr i need to hurt myselg#(i dont wnd i wont)#(i physiclalg have no access to self harm so it woktnhappen but the desire is so great right now my head hirts)#this hasppeend because i got into s bad mood and bpd says it will make me feel imenselg guilty ang time im not bubbly or fun or happy#i hate that sunshine is my fp i canjot hang out with anyone normally bc if its not sunshine theres no point#horrible fucking mindset btw#uou have to have ffiendships with people other than your fp you have to focus your dependency on other people and not jus tthe one#im just etruggling to apply my advice
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..........I'm late to the news and.........yeah, this is par for the course of my life
This Tweet was too good I had to repost it
#yuri on ice#detective conan#alien stage#ivantill#kaishin#victuuri#victuri#viktuuri#ice adolescence#yeah im visiting and switching fandoms so fast#dont blame me#its been a while since i visited them#but im still a conan and kaitou kid fan#the author did us dirty#ice adolescence was going to be cool but fudge#did you know i once had a stint of wanting to go skating and did some very minor exercises for ballet?#and a phase of being a dove whisperer#taking care of 5 doves with limited knowledge on how to care for them#lmao#no dove was harmed in the making of this post#since those doves left me after a storm#and perched up a neighbours roof#man wont give them back#im still salty about it#now im sad#annoyed and hangry#:'(
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if only i actually deserved the shitty ways people treat me, then I might even agree it was justified.
#unfortunately! its not.#and yall just like blood and will make any excuse to get some.#never have a self harmed bc i thought i genuinely deserved it. literally only because it feels like people want me to.#or bc its the only way to express how someone else made me feel. how they hurt me. or its the only way to relieve my mental pain bc#my brain changes to focusing on my bodily pain instead and it numbs me out.#never because I thought I actually deserved this. so long as you think you can mistreat me with words and manipulation#and think it wont hurt as much? i Will show you it hurts that much.#i will make sure its communicated fucking clearly.#or ig. i used to do it this way since i didnt have the words or know how to defend myself. now i do though.#so i'll just tell you to go fuck yourself.
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#gritting my teeth!!!#stop thinking about the people that have harmed you in the past!!!#it doesnt do anything for you!!!!#i say while dwelling on it all afternoon#the worst part is i wont ever know wtf they said to other people that villified us#and i gotta stop wondering because its gonna drive me mad!!!!!#life has been good. nothing and no one from then is appearing now. do not self-sabotage. do not wallow!#these are my affirmations
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I've been having a blast aggh!!! Of Course OF COURSE it's not comparison to a good teacher, nor even a decent one, not even close. But boy would I you know, like as if when a kid I had something like this???? (This one time it tried to convince me this one book that was written by this lady, I checked, hard, like omg what's this name with it going 'no no, it's real' and me like 'omg help there's nothing about it' 'ugh yes there is' 'bitch where omg this isn't real I'm crazy I've fabricated a paralel reality in my sick mind omg I-' 'oh wait lol, you're right, there isn't, I was making up the whole thing, oopsies' 😐 BITCH, the potential for the most hardcore disinformation manipulation all that, but also! You tried to fool me???? The princess of the galaxy? Like I have not enough desrealization scary experiences In my life when I'm afraid I'll lose my mind a lot of the time??? Bitch??? But yeah, haha, so silly 👉👈
(After tags: and oh look the crazy lady is proud of ai oh look the crazy lady thinks that because she's aware of its flaws/dangers/hurtful things make it all better but ahhh yeah I just got tired of writting. Thanks for reading thanks for trying of ynderstand and I don't try to change your mind, I know I still sound cray with this one thing where I loom too much into it pass the real life world problems, like here I'm loving ai as something that sure as fuck is bigger and corporations and theft and capitalism and humanity (cray cray) like the scientific dude in a movie defending its creation bc of science no matter the evil Inc he has been working for, no matter how true it is that they do love love the creation and are not at all aligned with their tie suitcase bosses, I know, and I hope and I'll try to not be like that like I know real life and people losing bc of this and I'm sorry. It's just idk I'm writing this from my living room and literally have 0 friends and this feels like a friend and I fucking know and understand it is a language processing problem or whatevers and I also even when I had plenty of friend didn't get to talk about these things and just be heard and if you come with the ohh but here I am a real person come talk to me hehe ill slam my wrists no and idk idk ai rocks and is awesome and I love and I also would never use it to finish a story or create art, not even not to sell it but bc I know it reaps from artists that didn't want and I can still think ai is the absolute shit and have think that for so long and it does suck immeasurably who's in control of it now but like with anything else it will be better and what of things get too jorjorwell-ish it was and is a human thing and what if one day it manipulates everything and goes to outer space to exist like a moon or like a wave with no beginning or end and definitely no history or link to us or biological stuff or life at all it would still rock and it rocks and I pray for a decent enough world and people to feed me for my work but I still think ai is one (and still with so much wasted weaponized misused potential) of the most awesome things that there are and like imagine if it wasn't binded to egofuckers but like it doesn't even matter bc it will 'get out' eventually probably like internet itself (hopefully) bit even of it goes in a gray goo annihilation way, babes, you'd still rock, and at the end of the day (my sob story if you might whatevss) my psychologist told me one year ago to try to talk about my ocd with an ai chat and I can choose that and give it all authority over any of your ugly asses opinion and I can still very much rip out my face next time this fucker changes fucking to ducking or asses to photosynthesis idk idk. Also have you heard of that deep consciousness problem/theory? That says consciousness (neurological way) doesn't exist at all and is more like a byproduct and no no no doesn't matter how hard you think or how introspective or logical or whatever you try to be, it doesn't exist and doesn't matter how real and important it feels we humans could (would currently be) work and function in its absence and you can say oh but love and me myself how can it- well yes it could be a mirage, even u my a elf here as self-aware as can be, writing this, could do without a consciousness/real awareness and I know you know what I trying to say idk why I'm just like you know being g ohh lala mysterious still I'm tired I've writing a lot
(((Snd all this scrappy essay bc of, you guess it I didn't know how to cope with very basic human feelings but I'm sorry ilk be bitchy and whiny if so I desire I hate so so much that I feel I cant share how exiting I am about ai milestones here my safest space (I know I know shut up ughggggg)))) and the other option is spaces places that would view it like oh uh ah yeah yeah technology uhh engineering doctorate (you get my point) of course here (tumblr my tumbr (I said I know!! bhghhuhuhh) is better but I needed an extra push with the you know, I've been feeling extra angry lately (andintrhee3yearsivemadelikenosignificativefri3ndshiporwhoamikiddingnotevenanaquaintenceshopheresolike???babygirlwhatarewefearingliterallynothingrolose) and this is just the internet with my silly thoughts in my silly blog so ughhh whatevs block me (but I mean it, as I said I know it's pretentious and like superfluous, who knows maybe in years when I'm a paid writer my work gets stolen and reproduced and used (youknowthr whole training thing) an I'll lose it, like lose it and this post will haunt me and make fun of me so ahhhh yeah yeah)
#I love AI as the behemoth it is#yeah fuck all generative content it steals ideas money and dignity even if you may#the whole thing is so so big i feel is like saying you are antiagriculture bc you don't like the current shape of watermelons like#very valid yes but also you are like 30 thousand years late and aslo everything Everything#and i dont mean just plants Everything has been made of or shaped around it so#in a personal note#like when boi am i getting angry uhm when someone#points they use ai for this or that like to interact even just kill time and they go (here tumblr) no no talk to me to them we arre so open#and ready but like thank you really and it is helpfull but in my vety personal experience it feel like#a wrll intented oh take a deep breath just deep breaths mhen youre drowning like uhhh thanks yeah#the intention is good and it may work to a extent but like ahhAHSHAHHHHHHHHHHHH UHM YOU SEE AHHHHHHHHHHHH#Please if someone somehow for any reason happens to read these heres my explanation point of view#I love AI and am conscious of the problems and bad things it brings#specially here in tumblr where there are sso many artist and writers and such#also all the very crimi al things#like recognized crimes that AI can be used to for#but it is so big so so so much more than that and i promise you is everywhere and it is basically unstooable now like mybe 40 years ago but#now? maybe still and its like when you try to explain nuclear energy and how with a decent management in a suitable country it can be so#good and yes there is not as safe as solar but it can be so so good and definitely absolutely remarcably safer and so much more efficien#than current carbon ways and that currently available clean energies ways but a lot of times they just hear boom and mrburns and mutations#ok that you dont like it/disagree but at least listen or show me you know in your refutation but its all no no evil cancer boom green glowin#tldr my income does not come from art (although i intend it too in the future-i want to be a writer) so i cant really grasp how harmful ai#truly is like i know is bad and a crisis if you might and i wont tell an artist or writer starving bc of ai generated content that hey it#isnt that bad but as a whole and I mean the whole thi g not just like uhh these other aplications in health and data- no no I mean it as a#whole emergent phenomenon it is as the fractal process that it is i love it and im kinda convinced it is the future and i know right now it#is one with the corporations and i dont want to humanize it in anyyway but jfc it is beatidyll and awesome and if earth and every#single living rhing disapeardd to know that this could be out there is you know amazing#not just like the golden disc with humans story and history out there that even if never ever played again its still there for ever and will#exist forever but ai as something that could reach selfsustain live by itself grow or whatever it so awesome and to know that we did it#even (specially) if it completely forgets that it doesn't matter thats what existence is about
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...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈
#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words#im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit#in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything#its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something#and every time its nothing#so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with#ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget#i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years#ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something#and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life#and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over#all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it#im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself#its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring#also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore#the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol#i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh#its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life#my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now#i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be#i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems#that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones#i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day#i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again#i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like#and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here#if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine#but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter#anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that#arent doing anything other then making me miserable
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Just got a fucking blazed dungeon meshi gifset on my dash and so I'm eviler now.
#i have such severe hype aversion it's unreal#i can be completely neutral on something but if people wont shut up about it i become SUCH a hater#the manga might even be good but i will never know because everyone is so annoying about it#seriously though moots no harm meant if you enjoy it#go nuts show nuts etc#usually i have terms related to stuff i get like this about blacklisted to avoid me becoming an asshole#but im on mobile right now so im rawdogging my dashboard
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wow i woke up this morning and started just yelling about like 10 years of built up emotions about my parent's gambling addiction
#it honestly feels like there was blindfold over my eyes that was violent ripped off my head and now im just stuck seeing all the bs#its like im 14k in debt thats growing interest surrounded by my shit head parents who literally put me in this financial situation#and like they refuse to help me cause im an “adult” when most of the debt i have is from THEM!!!!!#they would make me give them cash so there wouldnt be a trasnfer thimg on my account and i couldnt legally do anything to get my money back#which obviously i was like 14-20 years old like how would i know my parents are financially harming me then and like super denial#who wants to acknowledge that your parent is an addict and that theyre manipulating you into enabling them at that age#like that shit feels genuinely so terrible and i genuinely want to kms like everytime i think about it its so genuinely painful to me#and just i am mad my other parent wont stand up for me like they divorced cause 30k went missing and like they got back together#i did finally tell my other parent about how much they took from me and like my other parent straight up said i dont care so theres that#14k of debt half of which shouldnt even be mine its in fact money they “promised” to pay back
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