#now we don’t know much about jade but she doesn’t go seeking out desperate people

[messangerforthestars]

“We need more morally gray characters” you guys can barely handle topaz and jade.

[witch-hazels-musings]

Trust

This story is a bit of my own ramblings and interpretation (Lumine, poor baby, I felt all this for you) of the chapter quest, “A New Star Approaches” -- while I am a sucker for the ‘rival to lovers’ trope… I really have a love hate relationship with Childe. His true character doesn’t show he has any kindness to the traveler, and, while other story missions with him seem to make him more appealing, I still can’t trust him. Anyway, here is another story. 

Summary: 

After fighting Childe in the Golden House, it’s revealed that Rex Lapis is still alive! And he’s none other than the Funeral Parlors own patron! Lumine’s trust is shattered, and she feels more alone than she did before. 

Genre: angst / hurt

Potential Spoilers?*

Lumine x Childe / Zhongli 

Lumine and Paimon rush through the doors of the Golden House, beads of sweat dropping to the floor. The large room is filled with piles of glittering mora, which Paimon can’t help but notice. After a quick reminder of why they were there in the first place, they can’t help but notice the surprising lack of millilith. A worry passes through Lumine as she spots the suspended body of Rex Lapis at the other end of the hall. With haste she runs toward the large dragon's body.

“Well, well …” Childe’s voice echos about the room. “I didn’t expect to see you both here. Shouldn’t you be bounding around Liyue looking for items for the ritual?’” His tone is dark, all the playfulness and gentleness he usually embodies replaced with annoyance. He ascended the stairs in front of the altar, stopping but a few feet in front of the two. 

“I must thank you for your hard work though. If you hadn’t spent all that time setting up the, ‘Rite of Parting,’” he spoke the words as if they tasted bad in his mouth, “I wouldn’t have been able to gather all the information I needed.”

Lumine couldn’t wrap her head around what she was hearing, what she was seeing. Childe had been the one to help them, he saved her from the Millilith… he was a Fatui sure, but he was different… wasn’t he? 

“You were planning on stealing the Gnosis from inside the Exuvia this whole time!?” Piamon shouted, her voice surrounding them in the grand hall. 

“It is my duty after all…” he started, “the Tsaritsa gets what she wants.” With a sigh he placed his hands on his hips. His exasperation was apparent. 

I can’t believe this, Lumine thought. The anger rising from her stomach into her throat. She had let her guard down, let this person close to her, and … trusted him. If he thought for one second he’d be able to take the Gnosis from this Archon, she was about to prove him wrong. 

“I won’t let you …” she hissed through clenched teeth. 

“Oh Comrad, I don’t need your blessing. If it were up to me we wouldn’t have gone through all the niceties in the first place.” His arms lifted into a shrug, a smile inching across his face. 

“If you think you can win against me, you’re delusional.” The anger Lumine felt had moved from the pit of her stomach into every nook and cranny. Her hands tightened over her sword, the blood in her veins pumping in preparation of the fight she rightfully deserved. She was going to make sure he felt the pain she was experiencing. She only further cemented her nerve as Childe’s laughter faded into the deep shadows of the Golden House. 

“Fighting talk,” he retorted, reaching for his weapons, “I love it!.”

And with that the silence of the Golden House was filled with the sounds of metal striking metal. 

With one final strike, Lumine sends Childe rolling across the broken floor of the once pristine building.   

“Wow, that was … unexpected.” He says through heavy breaths. “It’s been a long time since I had such a fantastic match like that.” 

“This method of yours isn’t the best way to make friends,” Paimon states, her own irritation peaking through. 

“Ha, well, yes. Anyway, it seems the Gnosis was never here in the first place.” 

Paimon and Lumine look at eachother, confused. “What do you mean,” Paimon chimes in. 

“It seems I was mistaken thinking you two would be involved in knowing anything about the Gnosis. Which tells me I might need to go back to the beginning, huh…” he says the last sentence under his breath, turning his head as if in deep thought.

“Are you … are you telling me Rex Lapis is alive!?” Lumine shouts, her heart still beating rapidly from the fight. 

“Hmm, we just might see.” He said with a tired smile before summoning a whirlwind of sigils. “I guess we'll just have to call upon the Geo Archon another way! How about … with an old rival?” In a flash Childe was gone, the sigils surrounding him slowly faded away into nothing. 

----

The sky began to clear and the rain, which only a few moments ago was pouring, had slowed to a soft drizzle. Members of the Adepti and Qixing stood at the dock looking out over the settling waves where they caught the last glimpses of the Jade Chamber dipping below the ocean. 

With the present danger now quelled, there was still one last thing on Lumine’s mind. Who is Rex Lapis, and where is he? While the Adepti and Qixing members discuss their next moves for the Rite of Parting, Lumine set’s off to find Zhongli. He must have some clues as to where Rex Lapis could be hiding. 

After receiving word from the receptionist at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor that Zhongli headed to Northland Bank a few minutes ago, Lumine and Paimon reluctantly head there. If only she had prepared herself for what she’d find. 

Upon entering Northland Bank, Lumine saw Signora, Childe, and Zhongli speaking together. 

“What…?” the words fell out of her mouth upon seeing the three of them. Maybe she was imagining things? What could Zhongli have to do with Signora!? She was a Harbingers, and the worst of them all! “What is happening …” she stuttered, anger building in her stomach again. 

Childe opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Signora. 

“You remember the agreement, Morax.” She stated, looking back at Zhongli. “Now, if you would be so kind,” she stretched out her hand, “the Gnosis please.” 

“What in the world are you talking about!?” Paimon shouted, causing the other patrons of the Northland Bank to stare. 

“The contract is now completed. That which thou seek is now bestowed upon you, as my promise is as solid as stone.” Zhongli’s words were void of emotion. His statements were matter of fact, as if he was simply explaining the reason why the sun rises in the morning. 

Lumine took an unsteady step forward. “I don’t understand …” 

“Are you saying you are Rex Lapis!?” Paimon took no time to voice her frustrations, and ask the question on their mind. “Why are you giving her the Gnosis!? She’s the bad guy!” 

Lumine could see them talking, she could tell they were explaining something important, but she couldn’t seem to hear them. It was as if someone had turned on a radio in her head, and instead of playing the sounds of Zhongli’s voice, it was static. The only thing that seemed to turn the radio station back to the right channel was when she saw the Gnosis in his hand. It’s warm glow illuminating his skin, a soft hum filling the room. 

Paimon was in shock, even more so as she watched the traveler make her way to the Geo Archon. 

“Lumine?” 

Lumine reached her hands out and wrapped them around Zhongli’s wrist. There weren’t very many people she would so easily touch. After losing her brother, unable to keep hold onto him as he was ripped from her hands, she found it difficult to cross that barrier. However, there was a desperation in her to make the connection.  

“Lumine…” Zhongli didn’t seem taken back by the sudden physical contact, instead his voice seemed remorseful. 

“Don’t … don’t give it to her.” Her voice was shaky, her hands trembled around his wrist. 

“There isn’t much you can do, Comrad…” Childe started, his arms crossed.

“Don’t give it to her!!” Lumine shouted, which caught everyone off guard. It wasn’t like her to express her feelings in such an animated way. Her eyes we fixated on the golden gaze of the once Archon of Geo. “Please, not again. I can’t see this again.” Tears began to form in the corners of her eyes, her nose tickled from the sensation. 

Zhongli sighed, placing his free hand over the trembling ones wrapped around his wrist. His touch caused Lumine’s grip to soften. “A contract is a contract; I cannot break my promise.” 

With that Signora took the Gnosis, and made her way to the door, chuckling proudly to herself.

“Looks like you couldn’t protect another one, huh.” Her words were like venom, and stung Lumine in the heart. “Come, Childe.” 

“Fine, but I’ll meet you there.” He mumbled, turning around and walking up the stairs to the second floor. With both of them gone, only Zhongli, Paimon, and Lumine remained. Her hands still grasping onto Zhongli’s arm. 

“Lumine…” she could hear them call out to her, but she couldn’t respond. Her emotions trapped in her throat, blocking it up like a pipe filled with frozen water. Only the words in her head occupied her attention. I failed. I failed again. She felt a hand touch her shoulder which made her head snapped up.  Zhongli and Paimon were looking at her, worry plastered on their faces 

“Why…” she stammered, the blockage in her throat making it hard to speak, “I don’t understand why. I was … I was helping you. I did all that … and it meant nothing?” 

“It didn’t mean nothing…” Zhongli started. 

“It did. I couldn’t … I couldn’t stop them! Again! Why is it every time I can’t protect those around me?!” The shame building up inside of her. It was too much to bear, and there wasn’t anyone else to blame but her. 

“Lumine, you did everything you could…” Paimon’s voice was sweet, but right now it felt like a jab in her side. 

“Don’t.” Lumine backed away from them, tears spilling down her face. “Please, don’t…” she was so exhausted. Her body ached, her mind was cloudy, and after everything that had happened in the last several hours, she couldn’t take it anymore. “I’m sorry.” Was all she could say before running through the doors of Northland Bank and down the bustling streets of Liyue. 

----

The next morning she awoke to the sounds of Liyue citizens going about their day. She didn’t remember making it back to her inn. 

The last thing she remembered was sitting at the edge of the dock staring at the calm waters of the sea until it reflected the darkness of the night sky.

Her eyes were raw. They hurt when she rubbed the sleep from them. She looked around her room noticing things were not how they normally were. It dawned on her that she wasn’t in the inn, but somewhere else.

Next to her was a warm tub of water and a clean rag. Who could have left this? As she dipped the rag in the warm water, the memories of yesterday began to flood back to her. The fight at the Golden House with Childe, the battle on the Jade Palace, Zhongli turning out to be the Geo Archon, and her failure to stop another Gnosis from getting into the hands of the Fatui. 

“Hey, you’re awake.” a voice called to her from the end of the bed. She turned to see Paimon floating with a small bag in her hands. “I brought you some of your favorite snack foods.” She said, drifting closer to Lumine’s side before resting on the bed herself. 

“Thanks.” Lumine looked out the window, “where are we?” she asked, looking back at Paimon. The only person she met in this world who seemed to always be there for her. She so badly wanted to trust that Paimon would be there with her to the end, but after the events yesterday, well she wasn’t really sure if that would be true either. 

“Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.” she began, opening the bag to present the goodies she purchased. Of course there was something in there for herself. “Zhongli and I found you by the dock late last night ... he carried you to his room.” 

After how she treated him, how could he still show her so much compassion. “Is he here?” She asked. 

“He went out a bit ago, but should be back later. He told us we could stay until we were ready to leave.” A reassuring smile appeared on Paimon’s face. “Hungry?” she asked before offering one of the snacks. 

“Extremely.” Lumine replied, responding with a warm smile. “Thanks, Paimon.” 

“Of course! Now, let’s see what other cool things the funeral parlor has to offer.” 

“It’s a funeral parlor, Paimon. It’s accommodations are mostly for the dead…” Lumine chuckled. 

“You never know! I’ll be right back, you say here!” She added before disappearing into, well, where she goes. 

The sounds from outside were getting louder as the citizens of Liyue were becoming more active. Quietly, she made her way over to the window. Her body still aching from the battles of yesterday. As she looked down onto the streets, she wondered how they would feel if they knew what she knew. If they could imagine the pain of being alone while surrounded by so many friendly faces. Had they ever lost someone close to them; had they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust? As she pondered on these items, she could feel the tears rolling down her face once more. 

In the silence of Zhongli’s room she cried, “I trusted you ....” she covered her face from the outside world, “Aether, where are you… I can’t do this without you.” She sobbed as softly as she could, not wanting to disturb the happy citizens below. 

Unbeknownst to her, the words she thought could only be heard by the passing wind were also caught on the ears of a certain Fatui harbinger. Childe leaned against the outside wall, hidden behind the decorative pillars on the second floor roof. His arms tightened around his chest as he listened to the sound of Lumine’s cries against the backdrop of laughing children and footsteps on cobblestone. 

[whatifxwereyou]

Ashes Chapter 4: Stars

Pairing: Liu Kang x Reader

Is this progress? You two talk and you don't want to murder each other. Probably progress. Probably. Something fishy is definitely going on.

A/N: Hope you are all doing well! This is more fluffy angst than it is angry angst. But I mean, just wait until the next chapter. I'll make up for it! Hahaha.

First Chapter << Previous Chapter Next Chapter >> Chapter Index

“You forgot your tea.” The woman called to you, and you turned and offered a forced smile that fell quickly. You were handed your teacup and turned to look through the trees. Liu Kang had disappeared within them.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know, dear.” The woman sipped her tea next to you. You had to get to work but your heart was heavy. “Trouble in paradise?”

You choked on your tea.

“Oh?” You cleared your throat and tilted your head inquisitively. The woman gestured to where Liu Kang had disappeared but had a knowing smile on her face. “Oh, no. No, no, no we aren’t… I… just no. He’s having a hard day is all. A hard week.” The woman seemed genuinely surprised.

“I’m sorry for assuming but I sensed that your spirits were intertwined. It was a natural assumption to guess that the two of you were together.”

Oh, good.

“We used to be close.” You felt suddenly exhausted and as if you could cry. The bag on your back was heavy with the weight of Kung Lao and your heart was heavy with the pain of Liu Kang. “I’m sorry for this. He just lost his brother and it’s been difficult. He’s not usually like this. I promise. He’s a good man.”

“Grief is one of the most difficult hardships we deal with. I understand. And I sense that the journey ahead of him will not be an easy one.”

“Yeah. He’s not alone though. I’ll make sure he’s okay.” You would. Even if he did nothing but yell and push, you would at least make sure he was okay. Attraction or not, it was the least you could do. Kung Lao would have wanted you to.

“You must be careful too. I sense great loss around you and great conflict ahead of you.”

“Yeah, I’m not surprised.”

“Oh?”

“I was dating his brother.”

“Ah, that explains at least part of it.” The woman placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. You stood there for a time. You blinked back tears and hoped they went unnoticed but this woman seemed wise and observant. She reminded you of a nicer and less godly Raiden. “It’s a difficult three-day hike through the mountains to reach Nightwolf.” The woman walked before you and offered you a folded-up map and a small coin-sized wolf charm. She cupped her hands around yours. “You will need this to prove that you are worthy to see him.”

“Are you sure? I… I’m happy to explain to you what we’re doing here.” You were surprised. You didn’t know what unspoken trial you’d passed but you were grateful to have passed it. At least one thing was going right.

“No need. I can sense a great many things, dear, and you, without question, are worthy to seek out Nightwolf. Your soul burns radiantly despite the shadow hanging over it.”

You stuttered because you didn’t know what that meant. “Thank you. I’m… we’re grateful.”

“We will provide you both with anything you might need for your trip. When you find Nightwolf then show him this charm. He will know that you are worthy of being seen. I hope that whatever it is you are seeking from him he can provide.”

“Thank you. I really can’t express how grateful I am.”

“You don’t have to, dear. I can tell.” The woman’s voice was soft. “Follow me.” You did as you were asked and followed the woman through the village. A small cabin had been setup for you and Liu. It was quaint but there were two beds and enough space for you to rest for the night out of the elements. That was all you needed and more than you deserved, you thought. You stayed in the cabin after the woman bid you farewell and good luck. You hadn’t even introduced yourselves but your meeting had still been profound.

For some time after, you sat on the bed and held your bag, wondering what to do. Your heart was heavy and so you meditated and prayed for Liu Kang to find peace and for Kung Lao to forgive you. The last one was selfish, but you felt incredibly guilty and there was no easing it. He would have eased your guilt.

Sleep wasn’t coming. You were too worried about Liu getting himself lost in the woods in his anger.

You had no right to worry about him. He’d gotten by plenty fine without you his whole life. You shouldn’t have worried so much but you couldn’t help it. It was natural to fixate on the few things you had control of when the rest of it was so wildly out of your hands.

You left the cabin. Night had fallen and there were only a handful of other people outside. You wrapped the blanket you’d bought around your shoulders and walked around the village until you found a clearing in the trees where you could sit and watch the stars. The sky was beautiful. So many of the lights in the sky reminded you of home but they were also so different. It took you awhile to find your favorite constellations which distracted you for a time.

You felt him before you heard him. The fiery spirit of Liu Kang. He sat next to you. You’d always been able to sense him. Earlier, he’d been bright with rage and now he was a dull roar but by no means at peace. He said nothing but sat watching the stars next to you. You’d done this before years in the past. Sat on dangerous ledges and watched the sky in silence.

It had been comforting then. It was less so now. He put you on edge. Between nerves and attraction, your brain had no idea how to process him anymore.

“I’m sorry.” He broke the silence, and you turned your eyes away from the stars but not toward him. “I apologized to everyone I was rude to, but I figured that I would save the most important apology I had to make for last.” You could hear a smile on his face but also felt how weary he was. Carrying that kind of anger and guilt took a toll. You would know.

“It’s okay.” You had forgiven him hours ago. Honestly, you’d mostly been worried for him. “Believe it or not, I get it.”

“Do you?”

You locked eyes with him and then turned away as you felt the nerves rise in your throat again. He hadn’t made you this nervous in years and there were a thousand reasons why. “Yeah. I go through moments where the world is too much noise and things seem impossibly frustrating. Moments where I can’t avoid being angry no matter how much I don’t want to be.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” You turned your eyes back to the stars, but it was hard to think about him losing control like that. It hurt to think about yourself like that too. He scooted a little closer to you and his knee touched just against yours. There had been nights where you’d sat with him after fighting with Kung Lao and he’d held your hand. And briefly, you felt that comfort and that spark that he always ignited, but you stomped it out quickly.

“I miss my brother. And I miss you.” He sighed as if it annoyed him to say. “But being around you makes it more real.” You had a feeling. He had the same effect on you.

“I’m sorry.” You managed to whisper but you thought your voice sounded rather pathetic, broken and as though you were desperate to get the words out without tears.

“It’s not your fault. I need to stop acting like it is. You don’t seem to blame me.”

“I miss him too. And I miss you. I miss a lot of things.” You sniffled away the upset that had come with realizing just how much harder you made it on Liu Kang. Sleeping with him had certainly not helped either. Maybe it had provided temporary relief, but it had definitely worked a lot of old hurt feelings into the mix that you hadn’t needed. “It doesn’t feel real sometimes. I brought his little jade thing with me as a reminder. So I won’t keep expecting to find him waiting for me when we get back.”

“Y/N?” Liu turned to face you. “If he were alive then it wouldn’t be me on this journey with you. It would be him.”

“Yeah. You’re probably right.” He was and you knew it. You hadn’t been on a trip with Liu Kang alone since before you’d started dating Kung Lao. “He’d never liked the idea of me going on trips with you alone. Always insisted on coming with us or replacing you when Raiden suggested it.”

“Oh?” Liu seemed genuinely surprised and you turned to face him.

“Yeah. I asked him why once and he never gave me a straight answer. You know how he was with that kind of stuff. It was like pulling teeth.” You missed your bag. It had become a security blanket in Liu Kang’s presence. “Now I’ll never know the reason. There’s so many things that I’ll never know.” You pulled the blanket a little tighter. Liu Kang was deep in thought and just staring at you and so you let him and avoided his eyes.

“Did you ever tell him?” He was hesitant to ask. Probably afraid you’d flee again. You snapped your gaze up to his in surprise. “About before you two were together.”

“What? No! No, god no.” You laughed awkwardly. “I didn’t want to cause any trouble between the two of you. He could be kind of jealous sometimes.” You liked those memories. It had never been a bad kind of jealousy. It had been cute and he’d always denied until after you’d fought about it and wound up rolling around together in bed. “Did you tell him?”

“I almost did once, but no. We’d been arguing and I almost let it out just to spite him.”

You inhaled sharply. That would have been a mess. “Yikes. Do you remember what you’d been fighting about?”

“It was something stupid. I don’t remember.” Liu averted his eyes. Was it something stupid? Or did he not remember? He was lying but you wouldn’t argue with him. You were in no place to push each other’s boundaries right now. This was the first real civil conversation you’d had while sober since Kung Lao died. “I just remember thinking about the trouble it would have caused you, so I held my tongue.”

“I appreciate that.”

“I knew you would.”

“Liu?” You wanted to apologize, and your gaze caught the scrape on his arm, left untended.

“Don’t worry about it, Y/N.” He inhaled sharply as you touched the scrape, far more than he should have for such a small wound, as if your touch burned him.

“I’m worried about you.”

“Not ready to talk about that. Still… processing.” At least he hadn’t snapped at you. You lifted his arm and he scooted closer as if eager for your touch. “It’s fine. Didn’t even break the skin really.”

“Thank you for helping me back there.”

“I promised him that I would keep you safe.” He assured you and you rolled your eyes at him. He laughed which was short lived but also a wonderful sound. You had never needed him or Kung Lao to keep you safe. It had never stopped them from wanting to do just that. You would let him. If it made him feel better, then that was what mattered.

“That woman gave me directions and a charm to present to Nightwolf. We can leave in the morning but it’s a long hike. Three days, she said. We should rest.”

“I don’t think I can. I’m going to stay outside a bit longer.” Liu gestured to the stars. You’d both found peace in the sky in the past, both separately and together. Some things never changed, you guessed. You stood up and made to leave him on his own. He didn’t want you there and you knew that. So you would go back to the bed and to what little you had left of Kung Lao.

“Goodnight, Liu Kang.” You bowed politely but were surprised when he grabbed your hand. His thumb carefully brushed over the back of your knuckles. Your throat suddenly felt too full to talk. This was familiar. More familiar than it should have been. He’d stopped you that night too. He’d asked you to stay a bit longer with him. You had been drunk but had melted just the same and you were melting now.

“Don’t go just yet, Y/N.” He didn’t look up at you but he held your hand firmly. You considered that it was maybe a bad idea but sat down with him again anyway. He let go of your hand and then you sat side by side and watched the stars in silence. It wasn’t awkward, finally. It wasn’t long before you couldn’t keep your eyes open and had fallen asleep sitting up.

Next Chapter >>

[queenofnohr]

Twisted Wonderland: Jade Leech Birthday Suit-up (SSR) - Voice Lines + Personal Story

Voice Lines

SSR Summoning Quote: I look forward to seeing how you’ll host me. Summoning Line: What day is it today? Let’s see, was there anything……? Just kidding— I’m well aware that it’s my and Floyd’s birthday. Groovy: I’m glad I was able to celebrate today with you, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Set Home: This is today’s outfit? Yes, let’s dress up and show off. Home Idle 1: Azul gave me a large aquarium as a gift. …...No, I don’t swim in it. I use it as a terrarium. Home Idle 2: Waiting around for party preparations to be complete doesn’t suit me, so I made one dish. Can you guess what it is? Home Idle 3: It’s surprising that I eat so much? Fufu, I get that a lot. But it’s thanks to that I was able to grow this tall so rapidly. Home Login: I enjoy parties. You get to hear such unexpected stories from people who are completely consumed by the lively atmosphere.  Home Idle Groovy: Shall I pour you some tea? ……You can’t allow the man of the hour to do that? Then I thank you for your consideration. Home Tap 1: For my birthday, Ruggie gave me two recipes that use wild plants. It seems he’s quite the chef…… My curiosity is piqued. Home Tap 2: Every year, our parents ask us what we want as a birthday gift, but what I want has never overlapped with what Floyd wants. Even twins have different tastes. Home Tap 3: I received a special blend of tea leaves from Vil. The flavor is exquisite…… As expected, he knows where to get top-grade tea. Home Tap 4: What I want? …...Art supplies. Actually, as of late, I’ve started not only collecting wild plants from the mountains, but doing field sketches as well. Home Tap 5: ! You’re a mischievous one, to pop a party popper out of the blue like that. It’s only fair that I return that surprise. Right? Home Tap Groovy: Mm, what did you tell me just now? Could you repeat that for me one more time? I’m kidding. I simply wanted to hear you congratulate me more.

Personal Story

Birthday Suit-up Chapter 1

Happy Birthday, Jade Leech

-Octavinelle Dorm - Birthday Party Venue-

NRC School Newspaper Special Edition Interview with the Birthday Boy ~Jade Edition~

> —Happy birthday.

Jade: Thank you very much.

Please tell us how you feel now that you’ve celebrated with everyone.

Jade: I am greatly honored that everyone celebrated with Floyd and I. Though having such a large number of people say, “Happy Birthday,” did make me uncharacteristically embarrassed.

—Have your parents contacted you?

Jade: Yes. Our mother sent a congratulatory message addressed to both Floyd and I. In it she wrote, “Jade, Floyd, are you eating properly every day?” “It’s wonderful that you two are having fun living on land, but come home every once in a while so we can see your faces.” ......She seems to be worried about our current situation. Though it isn’t as if it was a long time since our last correspondence— in fact, we check in with her every day. Our mother has always been a bit of a worrywart.

—Please tell us about any birthday memories you have.

Jade: Memories…… Then I suppose I’ll talk about my childhood. Every year on our birthday, not just our relatives, but our fathers’ colleagues too rush to celebrate with us. And because of that, we receive a veritable mountain of presents.

What kinds of things did you get?

Jade: We receive various items like sweets, seaweed eye-masks, and rare playthings that can only be obtained on land. However, there were always some high-class luxury items mixed in that were completely unnecessary for a child to have no matter how you looked at it…… Apparently, they weren’t for us, but to curry favor with our father…… No, rather, I should say they were from people desperate to gain our father’s trust. Without fail, our father would make those who gave us gifts that had deeper meanings sign a contract. On it read…… “This is a gift in good faith that does not seek compensation.” Father is father, and is just as prone to worrying about us as Mother is. Well, it’s like they say…… A couple who is similar is sure to get along well.

What in the world goes on at your house……

Jade: We simply run an independent business, you know? Taking care of all kinds of work, no matter how big or small…… We’re very normal, I’d say.

Birthday Suit-up Chapter 2

—What kinds of things do you like?

Jade: Terrariums. I feel growing organisms from the surface in transparent cases such as glass containers and aquariums to be quite profound.

Please tell us how you got into making terrariums.

Jade: I got my inspiration from the Great Seven’s Sea Witch. There’s an anecdote about how she kept creatures in bottles. She is a great figure I aspire to be like, and so I started imitating her, wanting to know even a little bit of how she felt. Even back when I lived in my hometown, I grew a great many things in bottles.

What is it that you like about terrariums?

Jade: Let’s see…… I suppose it’s because it’s something you manage yourself. One must have managerial skills to maintain peace in the world within the bottle. In other words, whether they live or die is up to me, alone...... Managing a terrarium is like becoming the ruler of a miniature garden. More than anything else, though, it’s nice being able to grow things freely, at your own pace. However, even though I said you can control it as you please, that’s actually not the case. The plants you gathered may suddenly die, or plants may unexpectedly sprout from the soil you collected in the mountains…… Those sort of unforeseen events happening is also part of their appeal.

Do you enjoy unexpected events?

Jade: Indeed. After all, it’s boring if things go exactly as you expect them to. I’m still a novice regarding land organisms, so how they will grow is often unpredictable for me…… That’s why I find terrariums so intriguing.

Birthday Suit-Up Chapter 3

—Please tell us any interesting memories you may have regarding your earring.

Jade: Oh my, you’re interested in the earring I wear on my left ear? Fufu, alright. I’ll tell you about it. It’s a bit of an old story now, but...... Just before we entered middle school, there was a sturgeon that challenged Floyd and I. He had the most beautiful scales. We were interested and requested that should we win, he give us his scales. The outcome of our match…… It’s obvious, no? That’s right. We were able to beat him soundly, and he conceded those beautiful scales in defeat. We got them processed, and those are the earrings Floyd and I wear now.

They’re very beautiful.

Jade: Thank you very much. It’s a favorite of mine, so I’m happy to hear it praised. Because a sturgeon appears in a powerful spell left behind by the Sea Witch…... Sturgeon scales are popular to have as charms in the Coral Sea.

—Is there anything else that’s popular in the Coral Sea?

Jade: Let’s see…… Ah, yes. Fireworks are very popular. On days when landwellers set off fireworks, many merfolk come to the surface to watch them. Floyd and I also play around near the coast on those days. Everyone is looking up at the sky, so landwellers rarely notice us. Somewhat related, merfolk of old used to think fireworks were jellyfish floating in the sky. Personally, I think they’re too showy to be mistaken for jellyfish, but…… Fufu, it’s an interesting misinterpretation, isn’t it?

Thank you very much for answering our questions. And again, happy birthday.

[thottyimagines]

I really love your ideas haha! Have drunk konoha 11 + sasuke been requested yet? If not I'd love to read that

thank you!! I feel like it has been but I can’t find it and have no desire to go digging for it so I’m gonna do it again

Naruto

Gets all red when he drinks at all, let alone when he’s actually drunk. It’s so cute. 

He’s also one of those people who thinks he is even more invincible than usual when drunk. He’s off trying to challenge a sober Rock Lee to insane physical challenges if no one stops him. 

Talks a biiiig game shooting his shot and is super affectionate when drunk, but would chicken out if someone actually wanted to hook up. 

Occasionally tears up about friendship. Super embarrassing. Super cliche. 

Sakura

Is soooo aggressive lmao she’s so fucking mean I love it. The only people who can match this level of rude are Neji and Sasuke. If the three ever banded together (which they won’t, because Neji and Sasuke would fight), their target would be done for. 

Desperately wants to arm wrestle. 

Loves taking drunk showers. It’s just a fun time for her. 

Gets kind of annoyed when people get weepy with her. She’s drunk to have fun, not to cry. If she wanted to get drunk and cry, she’d do it in her own home, by herself, as god intended. 

Sasuke

Is such a wanderer. Every now and then team 8 will have to go track him down because he’s basically  playing hide and seek without telling anyone. 

Always tries to smoke a cigarette when he’s drunk. Always coughs super embarrassingly and painfully. 

Again, Sasuke is sooo mean lmao he just sits there, wine glass in hand, critiquing everyone aloud! Drunk Sasuke immediately senses the thing you are sensitive about and comments on it. 

Let Ino pierce his ear once when they were all drunk. Actually kind of liked it, but he eventually took it out because it got infected and he didn’t know how to take care of it (and was too embarrassed to ask). 

Kiba

Horny drunk for sure. Unlike Naruto, he’s down to hook up with whoever happens to returning his affections that night. Claims they actually fuck, but usually they just sloppy, ugly make out and then Kiba falls asleep and is ditched. 

If he drinks enough, Kiba is convinced he can communicate telepathically with Akamaru. No one can really disprove him.

Frickin loves to booty-pop to anything. My mans drops it low. 

Gets angry when people try to make him drink water. He’s literally like this vid of the dude spitting his drink at his friend like one of those bath toys.  

Hinata

Level 1 Drunk consists of her getting even quieter and even redder than usual. She’s embarrassed to be drunk and thinks she’s being judged. Kiba and Shino know this, so they get her to Level 2 Drunk, which is when she’s too fucked up to care and can finally let loose a little. 

She’s kind of a wild card when she’s drunk enough to do abnormal things. Sometimes she confesses her weird secrets (such as definitely training herself to love ramen, even though her baseline is just that it’s ok, but a little salty); sometimes she gets uncomfortably deep; sometimes she just sits there with her Byakugan activated. 

Legit will sit with her eyes clothes, in her own world, swaying to music that may or may not be playing. 

Throws up often, but quietly and without drawing attention. 

Shino

Hates being drunk in big groups. He really won’t do it unless he’s at home or somewhere safe with Hinata and Kiba. Otherwise he gets all weird and twitchy. 

Shino is the kind of drunk who is very, very good at hiding the fact that he’s fucked up. Like, he’ll go all night with his team and the next day Kiba will bring up something Shino said and he’ll have zero recollection of that happening. 

Lowkey is a huge savage when he’s drunk. He voices all of those mean inner thoughts that he definitely (and, tbh, rightfully) has. 

Spills everywhere!! Mess!

Shikamaru

Has a strong preference for whiskey. He drinks it on the rocks, and has always done this. It’s what his mom drinks, so he just copied her because it looked cool and now he has a taste for it. 

He’s relaxed enough to drop the totally disinterested facade. This sounds like an oxymoron, but he’s just comfortable enough to show that he gives a damn about whatever he’s talking about. 

I say whatever he’s talking about because drunk Shikamaru dominates conversations. Kiba, who never really inspected him closely enough to recognize he has brain cells, was genuinely surprised that Shikamaru knew so many words the first time they were drunk together. 

Doesn’t like to get deep when he’s drunk unless he’s with his team or with an s/o. 

Ino

Ugh little lush. I love her. And Ino loves to be drunk. 

I think she likes white wine the best and chooses to stick to it once she gets old enough to decide hard liquor just is not it for her. 

Ino thinks she’s the funniest person in the world when she’s drunk. She will frequently ask, “Why don’t we have a show, you guys?” 

She can also just flip a switch and go total mom friend, though. If someone seems to not be doing so well, she can suddenly function at a much higher level. Ino is always the one to notice if Hinata needs to have a nice little vomit. 

Choji

Gets sooo giggly. It’s adorable. He’s just happy to be here, coach, and happy to be drinking with his friends. 

He’s kind of a lightweight for his size lmao. Also, baby boy loves the fruity drinks. He’s very confident in himself and his masculinity; why would he drink something that tastes bad to prove something to Shikamaru, who was born liking straight whiskey? No, thanks. 

Drunk Choji agrees with Ino in that they should absolutely have a tv show. They’re obviously comedy gold. 

Volunteers waaaay too much information. He’s just…so, so honest…as soon as a drop of alcohol enters his system. That’s why all of the Konoha kids know how long he is a virgin; he informs them monthly on the status. 

Neji

The third and final true savage of the pack. He’s a straight-up animal. Remember the chunin exams? Thirteen-year-old, sober, angry Neji came up with all of that very accurate and somewhat hurtful shit. Drunk, jaded, older Neji can come up with much worse, especially because he’s gotten some more humor injected in there as well. It’s horribly accurate and then everyone will laugh at what he said. 

Picks fights with Sasuke sometimes. He’s just so fucking annoying, man. If Neji can be normal in mixed company, so can he, god damn it. 

Gets really, really competitive. Sometimes he’ll take Naruto up on challenges on behalf of Lee. 

Neji only eats junk food when he’s drunk. It is always a night of indulgence, meaning he doesn’t do it super often. Tenten usually has to bully him into joining her (and then she has to bully Lee). 

Tenten

Just bodies shots like it’s nothing. She takes shots of the nastiest shit and her face doesn’t change. She started out like that in her quest to emulate Tsunade, then she just got a taste for it. 

Usually tries to do damage control with the dumbass “challenges” Naruto gets up to with her teammates. Sometimes, though, she’ll just join in herself to prove she can beat them all. And she can. 

Sings her fucking heart out. Take her to a karaoke bar. Please. 

Suuuuper supportive. If someone gets in their feelings too much, she’s there to help them out and bring the mood back up. She’s here for a good time!

Rock Lee

Rarely, rarely drinks. His body is a temple, for one thing. And for another thing, he can’t finish a whole drink and everyone roasts the shit out of him.

Genuinely tries to hold back with the drunken fist stuff, but Naruto won’t stop challenging him! He turns into an agent of chaos. 

Has written so, so many apology letters to different establishments and friends for destroying property. They are often tearstained and so sincere that he has never been asked to pay for damages. 

Makes a lot of drunk impulse purchases. And if all the stores are closed, he’ll end up just picking flowers from yards as he walks by. He never goes home empty-handed. 

[richincolor]

We have six books on our release calendar this week! Are any of them on your TBR list?

More Than Just a Pretty Face by Syed M. Masood Little, Brown Books for Young Readers

Danyal Jilani doesn’t lack confidence. He may not be the smartest guy in the room, but he’s funny, gorgeous, and going to make a great chef one day. His father doesn’t approve of his career choice, but that hardly matters. What does matter is the opinion of Danyal’s longtime crush, the perfect-in-all-ways Kaval, and her family, who consider him a less than ideal arranged marriage prospect.

When Danyal gets selected for Renaissance Man–a school-wide academic championship–it’s the perfect opportunity to show everyone he’s smarter than they think. He recruits the brilliant, totally-uninterested-in-him Bisma to help with the competition, but the more time Danyal spends with her…the more he learns from her…the more he cooks for her…the more he realizes that happiness may be staring him right in his pretty face.

Lobizona (Wolves of No World #1) by Romina Garber Wednesday Books

Some people ARE illegal.

Lobizonas do NOT exist.

Both of these statements are false.

Manuela Azul has been crammed into an existence that feels too small for her. As an undocumented immigrant who’s on the run from her father’s Argentine crime-family, Manu is confined to a small apartment and a small life in Miami, Florida.

Until Manu’s protective bubble is shattered.

Her surrogate grandmother is attacked, lifelong lies are exposed, and her mother is arrested by ICE. Without a home, without answers, and finally without shackles, Manu investigates the only clue she has about her past–a mysterious “Z” emblem—which leads her to a secret world buried within our own. A world connected to her dead father and his criminal past. A world straight out of Argentine folklore, where the seventh consecutive daughter is born a bruja and the seventh consecutive son is a lobizón, a werewolf. A world where her unusual eyes allow her to belong.

As Manu uncovers her own story and traces her real heritage all the way back to a cursed city in Argentina, she learns it’s not just her U.S. residency that’s illegal. . . .it’s her entire existence.

Don’t Ask Me Where I’m From by Jennifer De Leon Simon Schuster

Fifteen-year-old Liliana is fine, thank you very much. It’s fine that her best friend, Jade, is all caught up in her new boyfriend lately. It’s fine that her inner-city high school is disorganized and underfunded. It’s fine that her father took off again—okay, maybe that isn’t fine, but what is Liliana supposed to do? She’s fifteen! Being left with her increasingly crazy mom? Fine. Her heathen little brothers? Fine, fine, fine. But it turns out Dad did leave one thing behind besides her crazy family. Before he left, he signed Liliana up for a school desegregation program called METCO. And she’s been accepted.

Being accepted into METCO, however, isn’t the same as being accepted at her new school. In her old school, Liliana—half-Guatemalan and half-Salvadorian—was part of the majority where almost everyone was a person of color. But now at Westburg, where almost everyone is white, the struggles of being a minority are unavoidable. It becomes clear that the only way to survive is to lighten up—whiten up. And if Dad signed her up for this program, he wouldn’t have just wanted Liliana to survive, he would have wanted her to thrive. So what if Liliana is now going by Lili? So what if she’s acting like she thinks she’s better than her old friends? It’s not a big deal. It’s fine.

But then she discovers the gutting truth about her father: He’s not on one of his side trips. And it isn’t that he doesn’t want to come home…he can’t. He’s undocumented and he’s been deported back to Guatemala. Soon, nothing is fine, and Lili has to make a choice: She’s done trying to make her white classmates and teachers feel more comfortable. Done changing who she is, denying her culture and where she came from. They want to know where she’s from, what she’s about? Liliana is ready to tell them.

Illegal (Disappeared #2) by Francisco X. Stork Scholastic Press

What does it mean to be illegal in the United States? Life in Mexico is a death sentence for Emiliano and his sister Sara.

To escape the violent cartel that is after them, they flee across the border, seeking a better life in the United States and hoping that they can find a way to bring their pursuers to justice.

Sara turns herself over to the authorities to apply for asylum.

Emiliano enters the country illegally, planning to live with their father.

But now Sara is being held indefinitely in a detention facility, awaiting an asylum hearing that may never come, finding it harder every day to hold on to her faith and hope. Life for Emiliano is not easy either. Everywhere he goes, it’s clear that he doesn’t belong. And all the while, the cartel is closing in on them…

Emiliano sets off on a tense and dangerous race to find justice, but can he expose the web of crimes from his place in the shadows?

Court of Lions (Mirage #2) by Somaiya Daud Flatiron Books

Two identical girls, one a princess, the other a rebel. Who will rule the empire?

After being swept up into the brutal Vathek court, Amani, the ordinary girl forced to serve as the half-Vathek princess’s body double, has been forced into complete isolation. The cruel but complex princess, Maram, with whom Amani had cultivated a tenuous friendship, discovered Amani’s connection to the rebellion and has forced her into silence, and if Amani crosses Maram once more, her identity – and her betrayal – will be revealed to everyone in the court.

Amani is desperate to continue helping the rebellion, to fight for her people’s freedom. But she must make a devastating decision: will she step aside, and watch her people suffer, or continue to aid them, and put herself and her family in mortal danger? And whatever she chooses, can she bear to remain separated, forever, from Maram’s fiancé, Idris?

A Map to the Sun by Sloane Leong First Second

One summer day, Ren meets Luna at a beachside basketball court and a friendship is born. But when Luna moves to back to Oahu, Ren’s messages to her friend go unanswered.

Years go by. Then Luna returns, hoping to rekindle their friendship. Ren is hesitant. She’s dealing with a lot, including family troubles, dropping grades, and the newly formed women’s basketball team at their highschool. With Ren’s new friends and Luna all on the basketball team, the lines between their lives on and off the court begin to blur. During their first season, this diverse and endearing group of teens are challenged in ways that make them reevaluate just who and how they trust.

Sloane Leong’s evocative storytelling about the lives of these young women is an ode to the dynamic nature of friendship.

[lihikainanea]

When tiger says her safe word.

Disclaimer:

Alright guys, look. I wrote and re-wrote this one a million times and then I thought it might just be better to add a bit of context.

People aren’t perfect, and sometimes they fuck up. Bill doesn’t seem like himself in this one, and in the heat of the moment tiger’s mind got away on her a lot. It happens, especially when your partner seems a little left of centre and you don’t find a lot of their traits that you seek out when things get intense. Dom/sub dynamics can escalate quickly, if a person’s headspace isn’t quite right it’s easy for the body to activate that panic response. Tiger was feeling some discomfort, she didn’t quite feel safe, and she did exactly what she was supposed to--exactly what Bill wants her to do--every single time that happens.

Tiger knows Bill would never hurt her, and she’s not scared of him. But in the heat of the moment, who he seemed to be was giving her quite a fright. But the minute she said her safe word--he stopped everything. Immediately. Because there is no other option. When someone safe words, you stop.

***

He didn’t seem like himself.

It was the first thing that struck you as he greeted you in the airport. Even though he had wrapped, even though it was time to leave the character behind, he seemed to still carry some of it with him. His face still had a few harsh ridges that didn’t belong to him, a bit of a tick in his jaw that was more ominous than his own, an impatience and abruptness to his movements that you weren’t used to.

The character had been so far from his baseline. You hadn’t been around to see it, only just barely as he rehearsed for the role before leaving to shoot—but it was a man full of torture, of pain, of aggression and anger and a hair trigger temper. It was far from his naturally even-tempered, calm state and like everything else, he had thrown himself into it with reckless abandon. The FaceTime calls were few and far between because his character was a recluse, one who gladly eschewed human interaction at every chance and he wanted to feel that, to immerse himself in it. But the few times you had seen him, it was easy to see a difference in his usually happy self—his patience seemed lot shorter, his answers to your questions far more curt. It had sent a warning flag up in your brain but he had levelled with you in a lengthy series of text messages a few days later—this one was a hard one. He already had a tough time wrapping his head around the character and he felt that unless he really threw himself into it 100% and let it consume him—then he would just never get a feel for the guy he was supposed to portray. So that’s what he did. He reinforced that your safe word would still work over text message and that if you really needed him, then he’d be there. But otherwise, he needed…space. Distance. He needed to allow himself to delve into the darkest parts of a mind that wasn’t his, to make it come to life on screen.

And he did just that, but when he wrapped, he had reached out. He needed a break, needed to let the character go, needed to get as far away from him as he could. He had asked you then, if you’d go away with him somewhere—anywhere, so long as it was far away. You checked in with work and booked the time off before calling him back, telling him to choose the place. Somewhere warm, he thought. Somewhere with a lot of nature, where time seemed to just stand still, where you could be just the two of you and reconnect.

“Tiger, I need a favour from you,” he had said on a late night call, “A mulligan. A free pass, or whatever.”

Something in his tone had struck you, and you pressed the phone closer to your ear.

“Just name it and it’s yours, Billy Goat,” you reassured. You heard him take a deep breath.

“Let me take care of this one,” he asked.

“Bill—” you huffed.

“I know, kid. I know,” he interjected, “But I have it all lined up. I need sun, I need nature, I need ocean. I need you, tiger. Please, let me do this. For us.”

You sighed heavily into the phone.

“For me, kid,” he tried again, “Please?”

“Bill, I love you. And for everything but your money.”

“I know, tiger,” he said and you could hear the smile in his voice, “Thank you.”

“I’m paying you back in blowjobs,” you said, and you smiled when his boisterous laugh came through the phone.

“I’d be an idiot to say no to that,” he laughed, “The mouth on you could kill a man.”

You hung up shortly after, making arrangements to meet him where he had just wrapped because it was easier to get to your vacation destination from there. The airline tickets had come through your email a short while later, accompanied by a sweet note from him that had you packing your bags that much faster.

But when you landed, it seemed that there was somebody other than your best friend who had greeted you at the airport. A man with a much shorter temper, a lot more darkness in his eyes, far more malicious purpose to his step. He looked tired as he always did after a gruelling shoot and that seemed normal, but something in his demeanour seemed off. His demeanor, and his body—Bill looked huge. You told him as much as he leaned to hug you.

“This guy was big, tiger,” he explained with a shrug, “Big and angry. I had to work out a lot more and eat my weight in chicken breasts. But I’m done talking about him. Done living him. Come on.”

He ushered you to the waiting car, giving your bag to the driver to toss in the trunk as he slid in beside you. As soon as the doors were shut he took your face in his hands, laying a deep kiss on your lips.

“I missed you, kid,” he murmured against your mouth as he kissed you again, “So, so much.”

“I missed you too, bud,” you whispered, “And now we have a whole week together to just relax.”

He sighed against your lips, and you pulled him in for another kiss.

You both thought the sun, the sea and some good food would do him good, would bring him a little back to himself. And while it did relax him somewhat—the bags under his eyes took a few days but they eventually disappeared, his skin took on a much healthier glow, but somehow he still seemed….different. He seemed tense and alert, ready to strike at any moment. His laid back nature was gone, replaced by something far more anxious, jumpy, something worried and jaded. He had been rough with you too, the first night you spent together after awhile. You hadn’t quite paid as much attention to it because you needed him just as bad, but his movements were far more harsh, aggressive. He grabbed and pulled at you, bit at your lips and just moved you into the position he wanted before slamming into you, keeping his pace hurried and rough. You had enjoyed it, it had been a long time since you had been with him and you liked when he got needy, when he got so desperate for you that he could barely contain it. You liked when he was a little frantic, a little aggressive, a little consumed by it. It felt good to feel his desire, to be with him after so many weeks apart. But usually after being a little rougher than usual he’d take care of you, make sure you were okay, cuddle you and give you lots of gentle touches before drifting off to sleep.

This time, everything about it after was different. With an arm slung loosely around your hip, he leaned over you and kissed your cheek.

“You good, kid?” He asked, already settling behind you. You furrowed your brow.

“Yeah I’m…I’m good,” you stammered, and you craned your neck to reach his lips for another kiss.

“Good. Goodnight, tiger,” he murmured, and then he flopped his head on the pillow. Frowning, you removed his arm from your waist and pushed the covers back.

“I’m just going to clean up,” you said into the darkness, and he raised his head.

“Oh, right,” he fumbled, “I’ll get you a washcloth.”

You pressed his shoulder back into the bed as he sat up.

“It’s okay,” you mumbled, “I’ll get it.”

With your arms outstretched, you followed the walls into the bathroom to clean up. It was usually always something he did for you, bring you a warm washcloth and even wipe you clean, but you knew he was tired. He probably still didn’t have his head screwed on straight, you rationalized, and he’d be back to himself after some much needed rest and relaxation. You cleaned yourself off and shut the light, making your way back to bed. He was already snoring, his rhythmic breaths breaking the silence in the room. You crawled back into bed, grabbing his wrist and looping it around your waist. He stirred, curling in around you and pressing his lips to your ear.

“I’m sorry tiger,” he mumbled, “I should’ve done that.”

“It’s fine,” you murmured. You titled your head for a kiss, raising a hand to run through his hair as he tightened his arms around you.

“This guy got to me,” he admitted, “He’s a hard one to shake.”

“But he’s done now,” you slowly rolled over so you were facing him, and after another peck to his lips you tucked your head under his chin, “You don’t ever have to be him again.”

“Until re-shoots,” he laughed with a snort, and you smiled into his chest.

“Those are a long time from now,” you sighed as you kissed his chest, “I love you, bud.”

“Love you too, kid.”

You looped your arms around him, scratching idly at his back until you heard his breaths even out. You shifted, stretching out muscles that were already sore and sucking in a harsh breath when you went to rest on your back. It hurt too much already, your stinging backside and some of the bruises already emerging, so you tucked into his chest and rested your cheek over his heart to let the rhythmic beating lull you into a fitful sleep.

The ache was the first thing that you noticed when you woke up the next morning. It wasn’t abnormal to be a bit sore after a night when you had been so rough with each other, but this was a little worse than usual. Stretching your legs until your knees cracked, you winced as you rolled over onto your back—you could feel the bruises on your backside, the skin raw and tender. You rolled your wrists and flinched, they were aching from when he had held them over your head in a vice grip, but you shook them out and reached for him in bed, seeking his warmth and his comfort.

Neither were to be found as you rolled right into a pillow, opening one eye to look for him. You raised your head when he wasn’t in your line of sight, looking around before you spotted him on the balcony with a cigarette in his hand. He jumped when you opened the patio door, and his face dropped when he saw the distressed look on yours.

“Why did you leave?” You stammered, pulling the hem of your night shirt down.

“Hey kid,” he started, “I’m sorry, I thought you’d be out for a little while longer. It’s early.”

He stubbed the cigarette out immediately, standing and walking to you as you anxiously ran your hand through your hair.

“Bill you never leave the bed after a night like we had,” you said and your voice trembled, “You’re always there when I wake up.”

Your breath came in raggedly and he placed his hands on your arms.

“Tiger, hey, easy,” he said as he took your face in his hands, “You’re okay, kid. I’m right here.”

“But you always stay in bed,” you accused, “To make sure I wake up okay.”

“I just needed a cigarette, tiger,” he said gently, “I’m sorry. I’m right here. Come on back to bed.”

And you had let him carry you back to bed and stay with you for awhile, tending to some of the more sore spots that you had told him about. He seemed like his old self then, bringing you coffee and tutting softly as he ran his hands over you, kissing over some of your emerging bruises. He had showered with you like he always did, helped with the zipper on your sundress and placed a soft kiss on your neck like he always did, grabbing your hand on the way out the door for breakfast. You were a little slow moving, the bruises on your thighs from his tight grip and the ache between your legs from the way he had pounded into you still had you moving a little gingerly, and it didn’t go unnoticed. When the elevator doors closed he let out a deep sigh, turning and backing you slowly into the corner.

“Tiger, I really am sorry,” he murmured, grabbing your chin gently and tilting it up towards him, “I shouldn’t have let you wake up like that after last night. I fucked up, kid.”

He kissed you tenderly, barely brushing his lips with yours and you put your hands on his chest.

“It’s okay,” you tilted your head for another kiss and fiddled with the neckline of his shirt nervously, “Just….just don’t do that again, Bill. It was awful.”

He nodded solemnly and jumped away from you when the doors opened and more people got on. But he squeezed your hand reassuringly, raising it to his lips to kiss each of your knuckles before keeping hold of it. 

It seemed, at least for a little while, that his gentleness had come back—until the waitress messed up his coffee order at breakfast, and he uncharacteristically snapped at her. She pursed her lips, looking like she was one more rude comment away from dumping the entire pot on his lap, but ultimately nodded politely and turned to get him the right order as you glared across the table.

“Bill, what the fuck was that?” You kept your tone low but harsh, and he glanced up at you passively.

“It’s coffee, tiger, not fucking rocket science,” he retorted, and you looked at him incredulously.

“And you couldn’t tell her nicely?” You hissed.

“I did that the first time and it didn’t work, did it?” He flicked his eyes to yours before focusing back on his menu. You mouth hung open before you cleared your throat, calmly taking a sip of your champagne.

“Bill.”

“Hmm?” He didn’t look up.

“Bill,” you said more forcefully, and tapped his shin with your foot. Keeping his head down, he raised his eyebrows as his eyes flicked up to yours.

“What tiger?” He replied in the same tone. You reached across the table, grabbing both of his hands and staring him down.

“I’m going to say this once, bud,” you said, “This guy I’m with right now? He’s not you. He’s shades of the guy you just spent 6 weeks pretending to be. And he better get the fuck out of you right fucking now, before I make him get the fuck out. Understand?”

He didn’t react, and you flicked his knuckles.

“Understand?” You repeated; he nodded slightly and had the decency to look at least a little bashful.

“Yeah kid, I get it,” he mumbled.

“Good,” and you released his hands, turning your attention back to your menu. The air was tense, heavy with awkwardness, but a few seconds later Bill rose slowly. Your eyes followed him and you saw him approach the waitress, slowly put a hand on her arm and apologize. She smiled a half smile, nodding and managing a little laugh before patting his hand in reassurance. When he came back to the table he stepped behind you, looping his arms around your shoulders and putting his lips at your ear. He gave you a gentle kiss on your earlobe before nuzzling his nose in there.

“He’s a hard one to shake,” he mumbled.

“Well, you better shake him before I do, bud,” you said honestly, “I don’t like this version of you.”

He sighed softly, mumbling another apology in your ear before kissing your cheek. He grabbed his chair, bringing it around to sit beside you instead and lacing his fingers with yours.

He had straightened out more over the course of the day, making a conscious effort to relax a little. Shades of his normal self shone through when he snuck up behind you to fold you into his arms, when he gently brushed your hair back and braided it for you before dinner—plucking a tropical flower from the hedges by the balcony to place over your ear. He seemed a little more like himself during dinner, taking a seat beside you on wooden chairs plunked in the sand, his thigh pressed to yours, his eyes starting to clear from their fog of the past few days. A little of the impatience still lingered, the curtness and annoyance when something went wrong, but you were willing to acknowledge the progress already. But halfway through dinner, the air changed again. And when he leaned forward, biting your earlobe and surreptitiously passing your hand over the bulge in his shorts, you took in a deep breath.

“I need you kid,” he breathed in your ear, “Now.”

And then you were being hauled up, nearly running after him as he held onto your hand and took big strides to your room. The minute the door closed behind you, he was shoving your back against it. He bit at your lips as his hands grabbed at you, tugging your dress as he tried to find the zipper. You flinched as he bit your neck, his hands gripping the fabric at the back of your dress and you felt his arms tense.

“Whoa whoa whoa,” your hands flew back to grab his just in time, “Don’t rip this dress, I like it.”

“Then get it the fuck off, tiger,” he growled and you winced a little as he pulled you forward and slammed you into the wall instead, jamming his knee between your legs. He kissed you hard, knocking the back of your head into the wall as he groaned into your mouth—but then you were moving again, being pulled forward as the zipper on your dress was yanked down, the straps pulled down your arms before he lifted you and clutched you to his front. You tried to breathe, to calm your racing heart—you had been rough with each other before and you always enjoyed it, but this time it felt more…unsettling. Maybe because Bill had barely seemed like himself for the entire trip, maybe because you were still so sore from when he had let it all out last night, maybe because it seemed that there wasn’t a single part of you that wasn’t being bitten or pinched or grabbed harshly. He pulled his hand back from where it had your thigh in a vice grip, landing it hard on your ass and you yelped, wincing. It just seemed to spur him on more as he bit on your lower lip, pulling back and spanking you again. You sucked a tense breath in through your teeth, barely stopping the pained whimper that escaped, and then you were flying in the air as he threw you onto the bed and pounced on top of you.

You tried to tell yourself that this was Bill, your best friend, someone you loved and felt safe with—but the fear was getting away on you. He was just so big now, a lot bigger than you were used to seeing him, and there was so much anger to him in everything he did. You hadn’t seen any of the gentleness that always seemed right at the surface even when he rough-housed you, you hadn’t seen any of the calmness and comfort he always seemed to exude when you needed it, and he hadn’t once faltered in his heated, aggressive pace where you could usually see hints of the boyish smile peak through. There was none of that, instead he was hurried and rough and chased his own pleasure, his hands were strong as they grabbed and pulled at you, and his usually soft lips were curled over teeth that bit and nipped at you just a little harder than you were used to.

You held onto his shoulders, squeaking as he ripped your panties off. He grabbed your hand to lace his fingers with yours and you breathed a small sigh of relief, but when he slammed into you without warning every muscle in your body tightened and you let out a pained grunt. It hurt—it hurt a lot. You were still so sensitive from last night, still aching in all the same places, and as he pulled back and slammed into you again, the pain got too much.

“Red,” you choked out, and he stilled immediately, “Red red red.”

In a flash, he was off of you. He pulled back, untangling all of his limbs from you and pulling out of you as fast as he could while you winced. He put distance between you—a lot of distance—crouching on the floor at the foot of the bed so you wouldn’t even feel his presence on the mattress. And you needed it—you needed space, to try and calm down.  You took a ragged breath in, cupping your hands over your face as a small sob escaped on the exhale.

You counted to ten, trying to get at least three decent breaths in. You couldn’t stop a few tears from falling down your cheeks as you started to cry, keeping your hands pressed to your face as you sat up. You tried to talk yourself down—to remind yourself that this was Bill, and Bill would never hurt you on purpose. Things had gotten out of hand, escalated a bit too quickly, and it had freaked you out because you weren’t sure who he was anymore. He didn’t have his usual gentleness, his calmness, and you needed to sense that when things were starting to get a bit rough, you needed to still feel safe and know that it wouldn’t get too far. But he hadn’t seemed himself, you hadn’t sensed any of your best friend still in there, and when it started to get really intense you didn’t feel safe with whoever he seemed to be in that moment.

But it was still Bill.  He was still hiding in there somewhere, maybe a little deeper than usual. And when you said your safe word, he had stopped immediately. And if you had let him know just a little earlier that it was a bit too rough, a bit too intense, that he seemed a bit less like himself—he would have been the one to stop it all, comfort you, make sure you were okay. It was still Bill, no matter what.

But instead he watched helplessly as your shoulders shook softly, watched you try and breathe properly to stifle the crying. He wanted so badly to reach for you, but he knew the boundaries you both had set—red meant you were at your limit. Red meant you couldn’t handle anymore, that you were in pain or scared or both. Red meant he wasn’t allowed to touch you, not even talk to you, until you told him it was okay.

He felt his chest crush with guilt—he had pushed you too far. He had pushed you to the point where he scared you, caused you pain. He bit his lip, running his hand through his hair as he waited agonizingly for your next move. For you to tell him he could touch you, hold you, comfort you the way he needed to. He hoped you would let him.

A sniffle broke through your ragged breaths and he watched as you shook your head lightly and swiped at your tears with the back of your hand.

“Bill,” you held it out to him, “Come here, please. Slowly.”

“Tiger…” he murmured, but the rest of the words died on his lips. He didn’t even know what to say. He rose to his feet, keeping his movements slow and deliberate as he crawled onto the bed. When his chest hit your extended hand, you flattened your palm on it.

“Stop,” you whispered, and he halted. Reaching down, you grabbed his hand and laced your fingers with his. You took a shaky breath in, squeezing his hand. He stayed stoic, your thumb stroking over his knuckles for what seemed like an eternity.

“Talk, please,” you said feebly, “Just say anything.”

“Tiger,” he whispered, and you could hear the pain in his voice, “I’m so, so sorry kid.”

You sniffled, tightening your grip on his hand and he squeezed back.

“You’re safe,” he continued, “It’s just me and you here. You’re safe, kid. Something just scared you, that’s all.”

“You did,” you mumbled lowly, “You scared me.”

You heard his sharp intake of breath, and you glanced up in time to see the tortured look in his eye. Those eyes—those eyes, you knew. Kind and gentle, warm, worried—you held his gaze as he bit his lip.

“Kid, are you hurt?” He tried softly, and you nodded slightly. You heard his hard swallow.

“How hurt?” He asked, “Hospital hurt?”

You shook your head.

“Did…did I hurt you?”

You nodded. His heart sank.

“Tiger, can I come closer?” His voice broke, and he squeezed your hand lightly. You nodded.

“Can I hold you?” He asked, and you nodded again. Ducking his head, he caught your gaze as your eyes flitted to his.

“Yes?’ He looked for confirmation.

“Yes,” you sniffled, “Move slowly, please.”

And he did. Moving to sit cross legged in front of you, he reached a tentative arm out and pulled you gently into his lap as you winced, keeping his movements slow and predictable. Once you were settled against his chest, he wrapped his arms around you and pressed his nose to yours. He took a steadying breath in.

“Is this okay?” He asked, and you nodded.

“Can you talk to me, kid?” He pleaded, “Tell me what happened?”

You exhaled a deep breath, swiping at your tears and picking at your fingernails.

“Bill, you…I got….” You paused when your lip started to quiver, taking a moment to calm down, “I don’t know who you are, this week.”

You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him just yet, so you kept your eyes focused on your lap.

“You’re so angry all the time, so aggressive and short tempered and…and rough. And now you’re huge, and you were so rough yesterday and you didn’t take care of me after and I’m so sore. I hurt everywhere. And when you came at me again tonight I just…I got…scared.”

It was Bill’s turn to pause, close his eyes to try and process it all, but you kept babbling nervously.

“I’m fine with rough because I know that I’m always safe with you. But you haven’t been YOU this whole trip and last night hurt but not enough to stop but this morning really hurt and then you weren’t there when I woke up and I was so sore and tonight you were being so rough again and you’re so big now Bill and everything about you is so angry and I was too sore and it was too much and you just….”

Nothing else came out, and at your silence he raised his eyes to yours. He reached his hand for your cheek, pausing to open his palm a few inches from your face and wait for you to nod. You did, and his thumb stroked your cheek lightly.

“Tiger, last night…” he whispered, “Did I do something that you didn’t want? Did I go too far?”

“No,” you said honestly, “It was…rough. But I enjoyed it last night.”

“Did it scare you?”

“A little,” you admitted, “You didn’t seem like…you.”

He took a deep breath in.

“And tonight? I hurt you?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“And I did something you didn’t want?”

You shook your head forcefully.

“No,” you emphasized, “I said my safe word before it got there. And you stopped.”

“Tiger, can you look at me sweetheart?” He asked, “It’s okay if you can’t yet.”

But a gentle kiss to your temple and his warm hands running up your sides helped ground you, helped confirm that it was Bill now, the Bill you knew, trying to comfort you. You brought your gaze reluctantly to his.

“Thanks,” he murmured, “Tiger, I don’t ever want to hurt you. Ever. And I don’t ever want you to be afraid of me.”

He stopped when his voice cracked, taking a deep breath in.

“I have no excuses kid, none. I have no excuses for leaving you this morning after being so rough with you last night, I have no excuses for snapping at you and everyone else this week, I have no excuses for being so rough and careless with you again tonight.”

“Bill I like it when you’re rough,” you mumbled, but he gently placed a finger over your lips.

“I know, but I took it too far. I need to do better. Tiger I’m so, so sorry. I would never hurt you on purpose, and I never want to scare you. I’m sorry, kid. I’ll do better.”

You sniffled gently, burrowed further into him and he pulled you closer.

“Thank you for saying your safe word,” he continued, “Thank you for stopping me when you didn’t feel safe anymore or when it didn’t feel good. That takes courage, kid. You did good.”

You nodded, fiddling with the chain around his neck and wiping a fresh set of tears from your cheeks. He shifted you so you were facing him, spanning his hands across your cheeks as he kept his eyes on yours.

“I’m sorry, tiger,” he murmured, “I’m sorry I hurt you. And I’m sorry I scared you.”

“Apology accepted,” you sniffled, kissing him gently.

“Are you okay? Can you tell me what I can do to make it better for you now?” He still looked so distraught, so torn up over the whole thing as he rested his forehead gently on yours.

“You can start off by kissing me,” you said, “A real good one, like you usually do.”

He tilted your chin up to lay his lips on yours. It was everything the last few days had lacked—it was gentle, warm, full of softness. He pulled away slowly but when your lips chased his, he kissed you again and waited until you broke away first.

“I want a bath please,” you requested, “A bubble bath.” You wanted closeness, you wanted his arms around you, and the hot water would do wonders for your aches and pains.

“A bubble bath? Okay. I…I can do that,” he nodded, “Can I pick you up?”

You nodded, but you wanted to make one more thing clear to him so you stayed his arms when he reached for you.  He misinterpreted your move, retracting his arms as if he had been burnt, taking a big step back from you even as you grabbed for him.

“I’m sorry,” he stuttered, “You said it was okay. I thought—”

You sighed, rubbing at your eyes and taking a steadying breath.

“Bill, it is okay,” you reassured, “Come back here.”

“Tiger—” he hesitated, but you held your hand up.

“No. Bill, right now this is still about what I need. And I need you to come back here and put your arms around me,” you gave him a second to spring into action and he did, gathering you gently in his arms.

“And now, I need you to listen,” you turned so you were facing him, taking his chin in your hands.

“Bud, this doesn’t change…us. Our dynamic. What we do. I don’t want this to change what we do. I enjoy it when you’re a little rough with me,” you explained, but he shook his head stubbornly.

“Tiger, I hurt you. I scared you. This is going to change our dynamic,” he insisted, “I don’t want to be rough with you anymore.”

“In that moment, what you were doing scared me. And the aftermath of yesterday was what hurt me. Bill, I’m not afraid of you. And I know you would never hurt me. As soon as I let you know I wasn’t okay, you stopped. The very reason why safe words exist is so that your partner—whom you love and trust—doesn’t push you too far,” you said. He looked unconvinced.

“I don’t want our dynamic to change. And I want you to know that. Now if you don’t feel comfortable being rough with me anymore because you’re scared, that’s a limit we can talk about. But we’ll talk about it tomorrow, because I am exhausted, I am still sore, and I need you to hold me for a lot longer.”

“Not because I’m scared,” you clarified, coaxing his arms tighter around you, “But because I missed you, because you make me feel safe, because you’re warm, and because you finally seem like yourself again.”

You patted his shoulder, jutting your chin until he got the message and stood to bring you into the bathroom while he drew the bath. He tested the water, putting extra bubbles in it before stepping in and holding his hand out to you. He sat down slowly and waited for your next move, but without hesitation you sat between his legs, leaning your back against his chest. He let out a deep sigh.

“Tiger—“ he started, but you cut him off.

“We’re done apologizing, bud. We’re okay,” you confirmed, craning your neck back for a kiss.

Another deep sigh rang in your ear, but he pressed his lips to your temple and left them there 

“I’ve got promises to keep,” he murmured.

“And miles to go before I sleep.”

[honey-lets-fucking-run]

Ethan Hunt & Ilsa Faust: A Journey

So, after yesterday's news about the MI franchise, a celebratory rewatch was a given. Unfortunately, in order to be able to swallow down six movies in one sitting, one needs a full day with no interruptions, and that scenario has proven itself to be highly unlikely in my case. Naturally, I resorted to watching the last two instead of the whole pack. Four hours had passed, I found myself wandering down the path of digesting the character dynamic between Ethan and Ilsa.

Firstly, I must confess: yes, I do ship them. Yes, I'm able to see them as a romantic couple. I know it sounds cliché, and no one is under the obligation to agree with my opinion, because it's just it. A single opinion. But while I was in the process, it got me thinking on why I can see them as a couple.

Let's start with the notion that Ethan is, without any shade of doubt, a people person. He's the so-called head of the wolf pack, to put it bluntly. He's charming, he's evocative in a nonthreatening way, he's talkative, he's energetic, the list goes on and on. He appreciates the people around him and is able to see them for what they really are. He sees Luther as his voice of reason, he never ever begrudges Benji for being a little too much pain to handle (that constant rambling, seriously. I love Benji with all my heart, I really do, but being near him I would have probably gone nuts asking him to shut up just for once), he's even able to put up with Brandt's never-ceasing paranoia. Most of all, Ethan is ferociously loyal to all of them, a trait which I find unique in regards that they all reciprocate the same loyalty without question. They may say he's crazy, but they would follow him to the hell and back regardless of his recklessness. Why? Well, because Ethan is stubborn. It's easier to go with him than to be discouraging towards him, exactly for the reason that by being so stubborn he keeps the flame of hope alive not only within himself but also within their tight group as well. Hope for something good in the world. Hope that every heinous and horrible thing they do would eventually be worth doing. That's what keeps them going, no matter the circumstances. Which I find as a very interesting fickle in terms of character's value.

To be more clear, the guy has seen some shit. On a constant basis, even. He's been hunted down almost non-stop from the very beginning, his superiors don't trust him at all (seriously, I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of Secretaries that weren't antagonistic towards him), he's been betrayed by the system every now and then, his chance at a happy and normal life didn't pan out. He has lost so much and has been beaten down so many times, that his reckless and desperate attempts to save practically everybody are largely motivated by the fear of losing, doesn't matter who: someone within his team, or some abstract pedestrian he met down the street. And yet...

And yet he stays hopeful. He deliberately chooses the audacity of hope in the face and in spite of the circumstances. That is unique in a very distinctive way, which essentially sets Ethan apart from so many other action heroes. I mean, yes, he's tired. He's worn down. Yes, the fear he's carrying within himself must be crippling. Yes, he's paranoid, he's reckless to the point of stupidity sometimes, and yet, he can think rationally (even if it doesn't seem so) even while being under emotional pressure. He doesn't allow for his previous experiences to cloud his judgment. His experiences do shape him, just like they would shape any other human, sometimes his experience might even dictate his actions, but - and that's the difference - he doesn't let himself become jaded and cynical. If he did, he would have lost his humanity, the only way he knows how to preserve it, and we know that he cannot possibly afford that.

Now, Ilsa is different. Totally different. Where Ethan is the head of the wolf pack, she's a lone wolf. Not only a lone wolf, but a stray wolf - and she was put into this position by her own government. The same government that once deemed her as a traitor to leverage her into tossing her around whatever they see fit. She doesn't belong anywhere; the only way for her to preserve her integrity is to fight for it. Viciously, with teeth and nails, with no regards to possible collateral damage (she probably had her fair share of collateral damage while working with Lane, she herself essentially was collateral damage) and to the consequences. She doesn't have anyone to rely on, except herself. And yet, she's very upfront. Steadfast. A good opponent, a tricky one, because even while manipulating the events to her own means, she manages to stay truthful about her intentions. I mean, she's a spy. A very good one, obviously, because you wouldn't be able to survive being undercover for two years without staining your hands and doing some morally questionable things, but she always remains steadfastly honest about herself, even if she doesn't come clean on her agenda from the first try. And how could she? She couldn't, even if she wanted to. She's a lone wolf, and lone wolves are dangerous. They're unpredictable because they have to do anything in their power to just survive.

What fascinates me: Ethan, being Ethan, i.e. the person who attaches way to quickly to anyone for the tiniest bit of reason, inadvertently gave her a reason in return. To be open. No, not completely, obviously it's a little bit early for that. But he gave her an opportunity to be honest. Being honest is the thing she strives for. She acts as his counterpoint and foil, and yet, they remain on equal footing the entire time - simply because he doesn't judge her. Not ever. He doesn't question her actions, no matter how borderline they may come across to others. He just knows she has reasons, he even knows what reasons are those without her having to explain that to him. He knows before being handed an explanation, he knows on some innately deeper level, the same level that helps him recognise and respect her first. Any romantic feelings there may be - they come after. Respect and mutual recognition is the essential foundation.

And you know, that's new for her. You can see it written plainly across her face throughout both movies. She doesn't have to hide herself from him, because he doesn't judge. He just understands. He accepts. Without question. Which provokes the same reaction from Ilsa herself: she's able to see through his flaws and baggage as well. And she doesn't judge him either, because having been through what she's had been through, she couldn't ever.

That's what they seek for so desperately. Understanding. A chance of solace in the midst of chaos. Not having to constantly remember about what they have to do and what are they doing. Most of all, they both need to be accepted with all their baggage, flaws and insecurities alike.

Acceptance is a very hard thing to find, even more harder to achieve. They both are not quite there yet, but who knows. Maybe they will get there. Eventually.

For @medveditsa

For @imfmi6

[homestuckcontroversyin2020]

My Opinions on The Epilogues

So I expect that this isn’t going to go over too well, whether it be because I get absolutely zero attention on this post, or for the fact that I’m literally typing up what is probably a hate post that’ll spark up some, “Oh fuck you.” comments. Either way, I don’t really care about the possible hate to be garnered or anything. I’m here to state my opinion on this, and opinions can’t kill anyone when you’re as weak at arguing as I myself am. Now, this isn’t a fucking logical article, I’m not taking time with comprehensive research and making sure I fact check every little detail because that would involve reading Homestuck for and eighth time and re-reading the Epilogues so I have the biggest refresher in the world. I’m not doing that, so take my sub-par rambles.

Preface over, let’s get into the meat.

My original thought when I heard that the Epilogues came out was initially an eye roll big enough to be like when Hulk smashed Loki in the ground. An arch of, “What the fuck, Hussie.” In other words? I didn’t want to read them. I spent the first few days in agony, complaining about how Homestuck was probably just becoming a money grab, and hearing from other people about the content that  came out.

It.. wasn’t as bad as I expected when I jumped into it. People made a bigger deal about them than I thought was even insanely possible. Let me get this out of the way. I don’t hate the Epilogues. Do I think they were poorly done? Yes. Do I think that the writing was subpar? Absolutely. Do I think that fourteen year olds in their bedroom typing away at shitty fanfiction or roleplaying smut on MxRP/MSPARP have a better grasp on the characterization of each individual character than the people who took over and wrote the Epilogues? 10000%. Still, I thought they were a clever addition to alternate timelines. I had heard from a source they were meant to be a satirical take on fanfiction, and was a mocking poke at the Homestuck community... until Beyond Canon came out.

So here we are now with an 18 year old who’s spent their time on this planet obsessing over Homestuck since before they could read cuss words without feeling embarrassed telling you about how they’re pissed off with some small things that are of no value.

I’m an Alpha Kid Stan(TM) so everything that happened to my sweet babies has made me want to blow my brains out over the walls. Let’s go down the line.

Jane, sweetheart? Who hurt you? Now, I’ll be honest, I rushed through the Epilogues in my, ‘fuck I don’t want to read this but I feel like I need to in order to satiate my burning curiosity.’ mode. Jane’s whole... situation seems really fucked up to me. The color of her text in the EPs is another thing that pissed me off beyond belief, and I’m not sure why. The consistency between comic and canon was draining on my nerves. Jane, in Homestuck, is a whiny teen, but in no way do I look at her and see racist Hitler. Also, what the fuck was up with the clown thing? Why did she have an obsession with fucking Jake? Sure, she was into him before, but wasn’t part of her character arch getting over the buck toothed bangaroo? I thought so. I also thought that Jane was, you know, just a normal girl living her best life. She sure complained, but who doesn’t?? The Jane we’re given in the Epilogues seems to lack the internal dilemmas that the dear, sweet Crocker we’ve grown fond of does. There’s barely a hit of self hate, she doesn’t blow up, and sure we could possibly count this to her being older, but, what? She didn’t seem to be pissed off about the entire existence of trolls in Homestuck. Sure, her time with them was minimal and she didn’t really get all the shit through, but she fought side by side with Kanaya, even. I just don’t see it at all.

Jake. Oh boy. This is a big one. In either case, Jake’s whole thing really bothers me. He doesn’t seem like Jake. He seems like a watered down version of himself that doesn’t even make fucking sense? He’s an aloof dork, but he’s not horrendously stupid, there’s no reason to make him an alcoholic, and why the fuck is he an attention seeking slut? Yes, yes. We could blame this all on Dirk but really, what were the authors thinking? They had complete control over what happens in this and they turn Jake into something he’s not. He had other drives and passions than living out his life as the sexy action movie woman we all need in our lives. Jake’s smart to his own degree, stubborn, and kind of a flirt! He’s not insanely oblivious, either. For instance, I recall a specific moment where he insinuates that Jane was having a wet dream about him in Homestuck. I’m not going to find the quote, but I know it’s there. Jake spent time working on the robot rabbit for John with Jade and outright refused help from some outside sources. Jake is smart! He’s got an extensive vocabulary! He’s just a nerd, and he’s more than an uwu gay boy for Mr. Triangles.

Roxy, oh no. This is where I expect to get the most heat. Roxy is a beloved character. The light of my life and the best of the kids, in my opinion. (I’m an avid Dirk Stan, but Roxy has won my heart truly and thoroughly.) I don’t like the whole trans/non-binary thing. Not because I’m transphobic or anything, because I’m absolutely not. It’s because it feels like it just doesn’t fit with her as a character?? Roxy grew up in isolation in a place without humans, you really think she’s going to have an outright conceptualized view on gender roles and norms? Basic fucking psychology would tell you otherwise. This is something that her brain would have trained her to do based on a societal view. I may not have paid a huge ass amount of attention in psychology, but gender is a thing that’s completely up in the air and taught to us. Roxy didn’t have that. You could argue and say that her house has something of the sort that’d lead her to feel that way, or perhaps she’s learned this all off the internet, but her clothes scream femme and she had to make them herself, is all I’m saying. Again, whatever, go off, make Roxy trans. It’s not a huge deal, but that isn’t the only problem I have. Roxy as a character seems to have just lost her spark. There’s little outright love and enjoyment and adoration for her friends that there is in Homestuck. She’s not your hype go get them loving girl. Again, maybe you could blame this on the fact that they’re all older, but getting older isn’t going to drastically impede your previous personality and make you an entirely different person. They essentially turned Roxy into a watered down version of Dave, but trans. It’s like they couldn’t make Dave trans so they just made a new Dave. It’s annoying to me, and that’s my biggest problem. I love Roxy. I don’t care for Epilogue Roxy. If they had done it right, if they had used specific things from Homestuck, if Homestuck itself keyed in on this or ANYTHING, fine. But Roxy was old enough to question her identity, most people do around 16, and she could have had the opportunity to start representing this already. I mean, who was stopping her? Then the baby stuff. Huh? What? Why? Doesn’t make sense, pass. Her bffsy, brother, and person that cared about her most off and yeets himself from the top of the nearest belltower and all she can think about is copulating with John??? Alright, fam.

Onto Dirk. Y’know what? I don’t have many huge problems with Dirk. I found his personality in Meat really funny, I found the death in Candy absolutely soul crushing. Dirk is a good character. I don’t think they did his personality well, but I don’t think they did any of the characters well. Maybe John. Maybe. Dirk really just sounded like a child who wasn’t getting what he wanted, and it was amusing to say the least. He sounded horrible from the way people talked about him before I read it, but I really just found his overzealous ego entertaining. I found the fact that they made him still totally desperate for Jake kind of annoying though. Dirk broke of their relationship. Dirk was the one who took a moment to realize it wasn’t healthy for either of them, and getting what you want isn’t good. Taking over the narrative and making your ex nearly jizz himself in public is hilarious and all, but also, what??

Alright. Alphas. Let’s move onto Betas.

I skipped a lot of it, not going to lie. Rather than breaking it down for each character like I did with the Alphas, I’m just going to ramble and see where the wind takes. me.

I don’t ship Davekat. I don’t see it working in a romantic aspect. I see them being bros, and it felt really forced in both sides of the story. The homoerotic tension could maybe be smelled for a mile away, but lets not forget something very important. Dave has shown interest in women. Dave was interested in Terezi, he called Roxy and Jane hot, he totally fucking jizzed his jeans for Jade. The fact that so many characters in the Epilogues were exclaiming that Dave was gay, and Dave himself leaning towards the sentiment, didn’t seem to really match up. Dave’s not just pretending to like chicks either, he’s definitely interested in them to the point of being genuinely flustered and embarrassed (I.E The Hot Mom conversation.) So, I don’t really enjoy that. I think the economy shit is cute, his alternate counterpart seemed to have a good hand for business according to the spiel that was made about him, I liked it.

Rose? Didn’t pay a lot of attention to her. The drug abuse shit really pissed me off. Rose in general really pissed me off in the Epilogues. 

John is a can of worms. His characterization was done well, but I guess I just don’t see the point in the two timeline deals. Also, why did he have sex with Terezi? Why was he so much of a baby when the rest of the people around him apparently seemed to mature? Who knows. I sure as hell don’t.

And... then there’s Jade. Poor, sweet Jade. She’s been done dirty almost as much as Jake has, if not worse. She has a dick for one. Yikes. She’s extremely sexually driven, which isn’t something I can see for canon Jade who just wants to hang out and vibe. She’s also so fucking insistent with the “uwu lets date Dave and Karkat” shit that it drives me up a fucking wall. Jade, you should know better! You dated an alternate version of Dave! You dated the OG motherfucker fresh timeline bitch who lost everyone, and sure he was depressed, but I think if I remember correctly you know about all of this???? Hmmmmm!!!! Big questions. It almost leads one to believe she’d know better than to enter into a relationship like this with Dave since it could be emotionally unfulfilling. :))))

Anyways, this entire thing is a can of fucking worms and I don’t suspect I’m going to use this account often aside from shitposting, so have this one uneducated article and if you made it through it and agree, disagree, or what have you, don’t be an ass in the replies? I get it, I’m opinionated and should probably shut my mouth, but it’s the internet and I don’t really care at this point.

[other-fictive-things]

Domesticated: Two

Merlin tried not to listen to Eggsy telling Roxy about his part in getting Merlin to talk to you. He’d like to strangle the little shit. But then, that was nothing new. He had a talent for finding his last nerve and tap dancing on it. Then exploiting his soft spot for him about three seconds before Merlin really did throttle him. Sometimes, the older man wondered if that’s what it were like to be a parent.

If it was, he wasn’t sure he were up to the task. If it was, he felt like a creepy old man trying to date someone near Eggsy’s age. But, looking at the text you sent him. An innocuous little picture of you pouting at the camera with glitter on your lips, dressed for a night out with friends, he knew he couldn’t back out now. Even dressed for a night at a Drag show, you looked like exactly his shot of whiskey. Warmth spread through his belly and radiated out to the top of his head to the tips of his toes.

It had been a long time since anyone had made him feel that way. So long in fact that he thought himself immune. Happily, he though saving the picture so it would come up when you called, he wasn’t.

He put his phone back in his breast pocket and tried not to let his thoughts drift towards you, but unbidden he’d seen the first moment he saw you.

You’d blown into the coffee shop looking harried and frankly more than a little disheveled. Hair falling in your eyes, not a product of elegant disarray but a long day and total hairpin failure. Your clothes were rumpled and you looked... somehow... beautiful. Out of place in the coffee shop full of idle socialites and white-collar workers. But somehow, no one seemed to notice. Your manners were neat at least. Pretty soft words. Well-spoken. And only slightly Americanized. Some flavor of dual citizenship probably. You’d taken your coffee and found a small table, careful to be out of the way. Seeking some solace, he assumed. Some comfort after a long day. His assumption was proven correct when you started to cry. Not sobbing hysterically, but a few quiet tears sliding down your cheeks. Hastily wiped away as you took a deep breath and looked towards the ceiling for a second, willing yourself not to make a scene. He’d felt something twist in his chest unpleasantly. It had hurt in ways seeing a woman cry didn’t typically affect him. He was used to debutante sulks and snits. Not quiet pain that had momentarily become too much to bear.  It affected him. He’d started coming back, wanting to see you again. Hoping this was your usual shop. He’d learned to track your days through your coffee order. Good days were just espresso. Dark and strong. A quick pick up. Long days were chai lattes with extra espresso. Bad days were indulgent fluff and a pastry... There had been a lot of bad days. Days that made him want to scoop you up and cradle you against his chest and make it better. Days that had made him want to find the source of the pain and make sure it couldn’t hurt you again. At least he would if it wasn’t your job doing it.

Eggsy had been correct when he had said that he bet Merlin already knew things about you. He’d been too jaded to immediately want to charge to your rescue. There were organizations that would quite literally kill to get hold of him and the things he knew. Not to mention what he could do. It hadn’t taken him long to find you. Name and all. Where you studied, what you did, and a set of sealed court documents that transferred custody of you to an older brother. After his cursory search, which was still invasive enough he felt guilty after, he’d not gone further. Most organizations, for all their cleverness, weren't this clever. There was a family tree he could trace several generations back on both sides, for God’s sake. You were real, he knew. But after that he just had to work up the guts to talk to you.

Several failed relationships lay in his past. Pretty women of proper parentage to appease his parents. Debutantes and Socialites. Heiresses. People with all the proper breeding. Women whose greatest ambition was to marry a rich man and be taken care of the way their parents had taken care of them. He’d sworn off any real relationship after he’d almost been married... That little misadventure had left him with scars that had made him drown himself in work just to numb the ache. He knew that the dating scene had probably changed a lot since his day. Women in this day and age were a lot more... aggressive than he was typically used too. Even the women his mother shoved at him were hardly polished. Though he supposed, at his age it was going to be tricky for her to find anyone to fling at him. Still. You were... different. Not terribly polished but there was an air of quiet confidence. Of knowing. He liked that.

“You ain’t going out with your girl?” Eggsy asked teasing.

Merlin rolled his eyes, “She had prior plans for this evening.”

“Aww,” Roxy grinned, “did you not want to go clubbing?”

“Indeed not,” Merlin snorted, “But her Snapchat has been entertaining.”

Roxy was practically bouncing on the balls of her feet, “You got Snapchat?”

The older man sighed, “I’ve had Snapchat. Someone has to monitor the shite you all get up to on social media.”

Eggsy paled just a little and Merlin smirked internally. He didn’t really monitor all that closely but Eggsy didn’t need to know that. Not right now.

____________

It wasn’t difficult to find the address you’d provided. It wasn’t a bad neighborhood but it wasn’t posh either. At least he didn’t have to worry about that. He’d hate to be scared to send you home at night, even if he was reasonably certain you could take care of yourself.

Still, as he stood waiting for you to buzz him in, he had a sense of unease. It felt... odd. Still. When the door released to let him in the feeling vanished. It evaporated like water on a hot pan and a feeling, not unlike nerves, rushed in in its wake. He felt both overdressed and underdressed. It was a bright Saturday afternoon and he wasn’t even sure what he was going to be doing. All he knew was that he was excited and mildly terrified to be doing it.

And then he couldn’t breathe. You were standing in the doorway of your flat, smiling up at him. “You found me,” you tell him, standing on your toes to kiss his cheek. Just another whisper of a kiss. “You gave me the right address,” he chuckles.

You step back and let him pass by you to get in and he takes a second to look around. “It’s not terribly grand, but then I’d hardly ever here for longer than it takes to sleep and change clothes,” you say, sounding more amused than offended at his assessment of the second-hand furniture and comfortable clutter of books and sundry nonsense.

Merlin smiles a little and takes the hanger you’re holding for his coat. He’d certainly seen worse, though his mother would be perfectly horrified at the mismatched, squashy chair and couch. “You’ve got an eye for antiques,” he observed, noting the typewriter on the desk. He’s willing to bet it’s from at least 1920. One designed for ace reporters and war office clerks. You smile a little, “My brother found it for me somewhere. An estate sale or something,” you answer, “A 16th birthday present.” There’s a note of something in your voice. A little fond and a little sad. But Merlin doesn’t press. He doesn’t like the hint of sadness. And he doesn’t want to keep delving into things that make it pop out. Not when there are other more tantalizing things to get out of you; like soft moans and cries of his name.

You smile up at him and he desperately wants to kiss the end of your nose. You look a little sleep-deprived after a late night but still lovely. “So,” he says smiling back, savoring the warmth in his chest. “What’d you have in mind today, sweetheart?”

“Well. I’m sure you watched all the chaos from last night on snap chat,” you tell him stretching lazily, “So I thought I’d make you a nice dinner and we could just... relax a little bit. I don’t know about for you, but work was just a nightmare.”

“Ah, so you showed me how funny you are and now you’re trying to win my heart by filling my stomach,” he teases, laughing, “I’ll take it, even if my work week wasn’t... too terrible.”

“I might be showing off a little,” you admitted, “I have a handful of talents but I’m really good at them.”

“Oh?” Merlin asked quirking an eyebrow.

You nod and start carefully setting out the things you needed to make the meal you wanted to cook, “Do you want something to drink? I have tea, I have a couple bottles of wine, water, decent whiskey, might have a soda and some hot chocolate...”

Merlin could place your upbringing a little better then. You’d not had money. You wanted your guests comfortable but you weren’t terribly bothered about putting your ability to make them comfortable on display. Not to mention you were showing him affection with a home-cooked meal. Not that he minded. He’d done fancy dates. It was uncomfortable. He felt irresistibly like a specimen under glass on those dates, but this was nice.

“Tea is fine, love,” he says, helping himself to a seat to watch you in the kitchen.

You nod and start the kettle, humming to yourself.

“So,” Merlin asked, “What do you do, exactly?”

“I’m a Program Director for a Children’s mental health facility,” you tell him, “I do... a lot of things.”

“Impressive,” he said whistling, “And what brought you there?”

“The grace of God, poor life choices,” you pause and consider the mug in your hand, “Incredibly bad luck, possibly. Take your pick.”

Merlin snorts, “Probably some combination of the three,” he says, taking the mug from your hand when you offer it.

“Probably,” you agree, stretching.

“What about you,” you ask, “how did you become a tailor?”

“Fell into the job really,” he said smiling, “I knew the right people.”

You nod, “Can you do me a favor?” you ask, cocking your head to the side.

“What’s that, hen?” he asks, taking a sip of tea.

“Please stop lying to me about your job,” you ask, “If you’re actually a Tailor I’m somehow in line for a monarchy.”

Merlin stops for a moment and leans forward to assess you, “What do you think I do?” he asks

You smile a little, “Something military. Or Military adjacent,” you tell him. Carefully. Careful not to pry too deep or press too hard. Giving him a little bit of wiggle room.

“And how, hen, did you come to that conclusion?”

“My brother’s a Marine,” you tell him, “I spent most of my life writing him letters out in the desert. At least until he got discharged and came home... After that he ran a bar. I know military types when I see them... and Tailors don’t typically wind up with the callouses you get from combat. Thick ones too.”

Merlin smiles a little, “And If I have to kill you for catching me out?”

“Neat,” you tell him, “No more student loans!”

That makes him grin, “I feel like that’s fair.”

You take a sip from your own mug of tea and smile, “You don't have to tell me anything,” you tell him softly, “just please don’t lie to me.”

Merlin sobered, nodding, ‘I promise, love,” he said softly, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not like you got to choose your cover story... and it’s not your fault I spent my life around military types. I know what hands that fire guns look like... and even if your family does probably have a fancy country estate and you go hunting, that doesn’t quite make sense.”

“Alright, Sherlock.”

You smile and turn away, refocusing on making dinner, satisfied now that that had been cleared up.

Merlin very kindly set the table for you while you fussed with details, adjusting timy things here and there to make sure you had everything like you wanted it before carrying dishes to the table while he poured glasses of wine. “This looks incredible,” he said, genuinely impressed.

“I watch a lot of cooking shows when I can’t sleep,” you explain modestly.

He chuckled and pulled out you chair before kissing your cheek affectionately, “You can cook for me anytime you like, love.”

“Try it first before you say that,” you caution.

Merlin takes his own seat once he’s sure you’re settled and tuts softly, “I watched you cook it,” he reminded, “It looked amazing an hour ago.” You glow quietly at the praise and Merlin smiles a little. You’re pretty. No, pretty is an understatement, you’re beautiful. It’s nice, knowing that you’re happy he’s happy. He’d like to skip dinner and pull you over to the couch so he can see if he can get you to glow a little brighter. But, he’s got time. Plenty of time. Still, as he tucks into his dinner, he makes a soft appreciative noise, “This is incredible,” he groans, “Amazing.”

Your cheeks heat and you take a small nibble, “It’s alright,” you tell him, “It was a new recipe, sorry I didn’t have time to work out the kinks.”

“Oh well,” he teases, “That changes everything. I demand you do it again.”

You smile a little and take a sip from your glass of wine as Merlin raises his in quiet toast, “Really, love,” he hums, “It’s lovely. Thank you. I’ve never really got the hang of cooking for my self.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice,” you tell him, “I really don’t like ramen.”

Merlin laughs and you decide you really do need to do this again sometime. He was sweet. And funny. And a little mysterious. He ticked a lot of your boxes. Not that you had many. Or very much experience. Still. You had always had a thing for older men. Men your own age were just fucking exhausting. Everything was a goddamn crisis. You dealt with Crises all day. Hospital visits and court cases. Kids broken. Staff about to quit. When you came home you wanted to just be. When you went out you wanted to have fun and not have to worry about soothing a fragile masculine ego. Sitting here, with Hamish, it was nice. You could just be. Chat about Wine. Talk about books. It was comfortable, and he seemed like he was enjoying dinner which was nice. You’d inherited that little tic from your mom. The compulsive need to feed people and have them be happy. It was nice, having him appreciate things.

“It’s still early, do you want to watch a movie?” you ask, taking plates to the kitchen and scarping things into the trash.

“I haven’t seen a movie in ages,” he said, moving to help you, feeling guilty after having let you do all the cooking. He nudged you out of the way gently and took up the washing.

“Got a favorite?” you ask, picking up a tea towel.

“I’m fond of documentaries,” he mused.

“Murder documentaries?” you ask.

“Yes,” he murmured, cheeks coloring.

“Perfect. I have like... all of them I can get to. Have you seen the Ted Bundy ones on Netflix?”

And the man let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

[suthoughts]

Limb Enhancers

One, among many, of the good things about Steven Universe is that it does a very good job representing a lot of minority groups. Generally this is talked about a lot among the fans, however there is one represented group that I don’t think I’ve ever seen talked about (which is kinda odd considering it affects two of the main cast): the disabled.

I put this down to the fact that compared to other minority groups the disabled side of Tumblr is a lot smaller and less widely spread. Generally the only reason I see disabled content is because I seek it out, meaning that, unless you’re disabled (and therefore unlikely to forget you exist) disabilities aren’t going to be something on your mind.

Steven Universe LGBT+ viewers have explained and pointed things out that I (as a cis het woman) would never have fully understood (e.g. why Garnet put off telling Steven she was a fusion, why Lemon Jade fused at the ball even though it was so dangerous, etc). So I’ve been planning for a while to make a series of posts on Steven Universe’s large disabled cast.

However I soon realised that there was something integral to the way off coloured gems were (and likely still are) oppressed by Homeworld, that I’d have to break down and analyse before I could properly begin. And that is: Limb Enhancers.

The Purpose:

The fact that Amethyst, an off colour gem who we know from Peridot can ‘do everything a real quartz can do’, was forced to wear them in order to attend the ball, shows as that Limb Enhancers are used not as aids, but as something designed to dress up the more marginally acceptable off colours as ‘real gems’ so that they can be presented in society.

The main reason I think Limb Enhancers were originally mistaken for aids was that the secondary features of Peridots (a gun and a log) were useful in her day to day life. However we know there are other, less detrimental ways Homeworld could have given them to her.

For instance let’s look at Aquamarine.

We know Aquamarine is, most likely an era 2 gem, and this, along with the fact that her wand appears to be a permanent fixture rather than something she pulls from her gem, would suggest that she can’t naturally summon a weapon. This would mean that her wand (which seems to function in the same way as Peridots finger guns) was something that was given to her in order for her to do her job. So why wasn’t she given limb enhancers? We saw a lot of Aquamarines during the last arc, all out in public and allowed at the ball as they were while Amethyst was not. Aquamarine wasn’t given Limb Enhancers because she looks correct.

Then there’s Blue Zircon, another gem who’s young age would mark her as era 2, and another gem without Limb Enhancers. While there is a chance she functions properly, the fact that her prosecutions come from her monocle rather than her gem (like all the other protections we’ve seen gems do) suggests that she, like Peridot, might not have powers and that her monocle could be something that was given to her so she could do her job. So, if there wasn’t a way to fit a log to a wand like Aquamarines, Peridot could simply have had a fixture like this attached to her goggles.

The Physical Affects:

The main reason I don’t see Limb Enhancers as aids is that aids are designed to make life easier for the people who use them. Limb Enhancers however make life harder and, if used for long enough, have a negative physical affect on a gems body.

Firstly let’s look at Amethyst, a gem we know to be very mobile and athletic. In Limb Enhancers she was shown to be barley able to keep herself upright. While this was because she wasn’t used to using them, we know from this that they are hard to use and take time to adjust to.

Just how much time would a gem be given to adjust. Looking at the fact the first batch of Earths Amethysts were sent out almost as soon as they had emerged, the answer is most likely that they weren’t given any. This may just about work for a gem like a Peridot, who would be able to learn to walk on the job (although it would likely slow down productivity and possibly get them into trouble) but for a Quartz soldier stumbling around a battlefield like a newborn deer would likely spell death. Then there’s the question of how mobile they could actually become. Could a Quartz soldier in Limb Enhancers ever perform a spin dash, one of the staples of their combat strategy?

Then there are the long term affects. For a long time after she lost her Limb Enhancers Peridot was unable to run on two legs, falling over if she tried and having to resort to running on all fours. While Peridot may be clumsy she isn’t that clumsy, and by Kindergarten Kid she was able to run without falling over. When you combine this with what we already know it suggest that long term use of Limb Enhancers negatively alters the way a gem uses her body, forcing them to become dependent on Limb Enhancers whether they want to be or not, and faced with a lengthy (and potentially dangerous) transition if they ever want to stop using them again.

The Mental Affect:

As well as forcing gems to become physically dependent on them, Limb Enhancers cause gems to become mentally dependent on them as well. Homeworld society is set up to make off coloured gems hate their bodies. Those who are considered too misshapen are killed on sight, and those who are ‘acceptable’ are either hidden away on remote outposts or dressed up to look like their correct counterparts. Worse still they are taught that this is their fault.

I know from experience that even in a supportive environment, when you’re disabled, it becomes very easy to see your disability as something ‘other’ than you. An enemy that stopping you from doing what you want to do and being who you want to be. It becomes an enemy that you cannot fight because that enemy is you. But you cannot see that or accept that, because that means you have lost.

Limb Enhancers give gems the opportunity to pretend they’re not disabled. To put on a mask and hide behind it from who they really are. (A lot of people with non noticeable disabilities do this at some point in there lives, and it’s hard not to because you tend not to notice you’re doing it.) The problem with this is that, while they ignore their disability, their hatred towards it doesn’t go away, and when the mask finally falls off they have to confront the monster they’ve built up underneath. And because it’s suddenly so big and frightening it can take a long time to realise it’s there.

This is what happened to Peridot when she lost her Limb Enhancers and it was also why she was so desperate to get them back and it took until Too Short to Ride for her to finally be ready to admit to others that she was disabled. It’s important to note that this episode saw her get a tablet (an aid that didn’t compromise a part of her identity) and, after she acknowledged what she was, she discovered her abilities to control metal (something unique and beneficial to her that may well be a side affect of her disability).

I’ll talk more about Peridot in a later post, but now as that’s everything I have to say on Limb Enhancers, I’ll sign off with Peridots word as she flew over Homeworld as herself, an off colour Peridot:

‘Set your eyes on me, Homeworld! I, Peridot, have returned, not as your servant, but as your savior!’

Which says a lot about how Homeworld made her feel, doesn’t it?

[movedyourchair505]

Napule Nights - quarantaquattro

The finale has started - and there are quite a few chapters of it. It’s been a long time coming, thanks to Elana for developing it all with me. Don’t hate me x

- chapter navigation -

x

As safe as she felt, and as much as Alexander had reassured her, Jade caught herself worrying as she sat next to Kane, wondering incessantly if he was safe, if despite his recent triumphs there were risks to his business meetings and export deals, her worries only growing when she saw Helders continuously picking up his phone, his face not more serious than it usually was, but she couldn't help her concern, ached to see Alexander once the night was over, to be in the comfort of his confidence and reassurance and offer as much as she could in return.

“Y'know 'e'll beh alreyht” Miles said, sipping on the colourful cocktail in his hand, raising his eyebrows at the obvious doubts that distressed her features. “'s not the first deal 'e's ever made, bella.”

She rolled her eyes, bringing her glass to her lips and taking a sip of her own. “Well” she said. “I know he feels like he's invincible right now” she said.

“Doesn't 'e 'ave evreh reason teh?”

Jade licked her lips. “I suppose.” Before she could continue, letting her eyes wander past Kane's shoulder, her body froze, her every moment ceasing when her eyes locked with an icy, piercing gaze, a bitter smile spread across a face that paralleled no other in the hatred it evoked inside Jade and she rose to her feet as soon as she found it in herself to bring her body into motion again, Kane catching on and following her gaze before she had to inform him of the horror that had just entered.

“Oh, no need to rise for me.”

Jade swallowed, the mere tone of her voice making her want to squeeze her hand around the blonde's throat, the only thing stopping her the two henchmen flanking her.

“But I do appreciate it.”

“Adriana, 'ow dare ya show your face?” Kane asked, stretching his fingers. “Ya fook Al over like tha', become 'is enemy's little toy. Makin' sure his dick stays wet, yeah? And then ya show up 'ere?”

She raised her eyebrows, the look on her face remaining unimpressed, the conceded smile not shaken, making Jade want to wipe it right off, to kick her face repeatedly with her heel. “Last time I checked...” Adriana said slowly, letting her eyes wander around the club. “This was no-man's-land.”

“Per'aps” Miles cut in. “I joost didn't know they let in cheap skanks like yourself.”

“Mmm...” she said, nodding slowly. “I think we both know you were keeping Alexander's dick wet for a very long time” she said. “How jealous are you that he replaced you? And what he replaced you with? He really can't be on his own, can he?”

Jade flinched, felt her hands, her whole body ultimately aching to lay her hands on the woman in front of her, scratch out her eyes and make sure she would never dare say Alexander's name ever again. It was Helders that held her back this time.

“We'll all be better off once you realise how much power and influence I still have. How much more even. But that's not what I'm here for.”

It was Jade's second instinct now to leave, well-aware it would be counter-productive for all parties – first and foremost for Alexander – if she caused Adriana any sort of physical harm. But she knew that Alex would also want to know the nature of her seeking them out specifically, that he would be furious if they didn't find out as much as they could despite everything. “Then why are you here, zoccola?” She asked, adjusting the strap of her tight, crimson red dress, her blood red lips hardly differing in shade, her stare as bright as the stone around her neck.

“Both of you should watch your mouths” Adriana said, an edge to her voice that Jade hadn't heard before, she could tell she was slowly getting to her. “You might think things are safe and fine now since Turner walked out of the meeting with Marco. I'll offer you one last deal before Alfonso will end this feud … this war with force.”

“No one's bloodeh scared of ya, sweet'eart” Kane said, shaking his head and turning back to take a sip from his drink. “Go back teh hell where ya belong.”

Jade shot Adriana back a sweet smile that surpassed hers in complacency by miles, then copied Kane's movements, although was aware that finding out about Adriana, declaring war on them for Alfonso, it would invade Alexander's self-assured attitude he'd carried with himself since the meeting with Mancini, but maybe it was what they wanted, Alex had made it out to be as if they did not have the power and were therefore desperate to gamble with threats, overestimating their own possibilities.

Yet she couldn't help the rising tension within her, worried now not only about Alexander and the deal he was making now, but also about him possibly underestimating Alfonso. The deal had been rather spontaneous, she didn't know many details, tried to gloss over her worry and instead engage in conversation with Miles, until he spoke in passing of the clients having close contacts in San Marino. She ultimately anticipated returning to Alexander now, making sure that things were okay, relieved when Helders gave a signal for them, for positive or negative purpose, it was something other than trying to busy herself when she really wanted to help and improve the situation for the business and most importantly, Alexander, at least she felt like there was some sort of purpose as they drove back to the headquarters, although worrying slightly when Miles asked if he could be dropped off, and Helders gave a shrug, stating it was only Jade he had to bring to the headquarters anyway, leaving her with the task to tell him about Adriana.

She knew that above being thrown off in the security of his plans, he would be angry, angry that there was some sort of threat from the outside, that they'd gone to a club outside his territory, that Adriana and possibly everyone she worked for might have been close to her as well as Kane and she tried to justify things in her head, tried to portray them mildly, all the while looking out the window to escape the intensity of Helders' eyes resting on her.

She avoided his gaze as he opened the door for her, escorted her to the entrance and held the heavy door open for her, the echo of his steps ringing down the silent corridor as well as the clicks of her heels as they headed for Alexander's office. For a moment, she wondered if maybe he already knew, was relieved that he seemed to be okay if he was asking for her, but maybe Helders had already told him, it wouldn't have been the first time, but the firm tone in his voice when after a knock he called her inside and the look in his eyes when she entered and the door fell shut behind her suggested that he wasn't slightly angry or agitated with the danger that Adriana's appearance posed, but that something else had happened.

“Jade.”

There was nothing fond in his tone, he was stood in front of his desk, pushing himself forward before approaching her with slow steps, the look had her physically aching to touch him, to evoke some sort of reaction that would reassure her and not remind her of the only time he'd put his fingers around her neck as a serious threat. She swallowed hard. “Alexander.”

He was silent, stretching his jaw, his features tense, lips pressed together. His eyes were locked on hers exclusively, his poise never faltering, his gaze never wandering until she couldn't stand the silence. “Adriana just threatened us.”

There was no change in his expression, except for a slight twitch of his eye, his jaw locked. “They dun't 'ave the power for a threat that isn't empty” he said, discarding the warning in an instant, as nothing more than a slight annoyance, not important enough to even be an inconvenience. “It dun't matter.”

“Alexander, did you hear-...”

“Enough” he spat, the way his voice cut through the silence of the office a sharp contrast to the calm and collected tone she was used to even when he was angry. “Dun't yeh try teh distract meh wif nonsense like that.” He stepped closer to her. “Did yeh seriousleh fink I wouldn't find out?”

She'd parted her lips to respond before she'd heard him out, but his words threw her off, her heart beginning to pound in her chest at rapid speed. “Find out what? I just-...”

“This were yehr plan all along then, yeh?”

Only now that she was trying to adjust to his sudden anger, she could see the hurt in his eyes, a sense of pain that the anger undoubtedly stemmed from and she swallowed, once again resisted the urge to touch him, this time to soothe him rather than herself. She knew she was beyond soothing now, not if he was going to say the words she'd been afraid of since she'd set foot in the headquarters with her body tainted in bruises.

He was certain, almost momentarily consoled by the fact that her eyes rested on his so she could not see the way his hands were shaking, stretching his fingers to refrain from losing control, but there was no doubt now, not like the time she'd returned to him in tears, crying because of what he'd assumed were her mistakes when really it'd been everything they'd done to her as a result of her getting close to him. And as torn as he was, he'd truly lost his head in pursuing her, had allowed her to pursue him in a way he hadn't thought possible, he'd been warned, warned so many times and had sworn to himself to never make the same mistake and here he was, still doubting his rationality when it'd been what had kept him overwater for so long.

“Alexander” she whispered, another step forward and their faces almost touched, the way his hand shot up and wrapped around her neck as an automatic defense making her gasp as he momentarily trapped her breath before loosening his grip again. “What happened?”

“Yeh fookin' kno' wha' 'appened, Jade” he muttered through gritted teeth, nothing but darkness reflecting in his eyes. “The bloodeh deal fell through, people in San Marino are no longer on me side and I fink yeh kno' better than evrehbodeh why tha' is.”

“I-...” Her breath was once again restricted until her attempt to speak ceased and she waited for him to instead.

“Better than meh, dun't yeh, Jade? And dun't yeh dare try teh stall meh, teh lie teh meh. I dun't 'ave time for yehr fookin' games.”

“What do you mean they're no longer on your side?” She asked, got the words out before he silenced her with merely his gaze this time.

“Me patience is not endless. I kno' I've been soft on yeh but dun't yeh doubt me words...” His voice was shaking, he didn't believe his own words, but he knew he had to stick to them, or someone else would and there was no rational justification this time to prevent it. “If yeh 'ave aneh fookin' morals or value decenceh even in the slightest, if yeh kno' wha's good for yeh, yeh'll tell meh exactleh wha' possessed yeh teh tell Alfonso about me alliance in San Marino.”

She swallowed hard, her breath shaking. The words hung in the air, the words she'd been so afraid of and she caught her lip trembling, her own vision blurring with tears of fear, more so his than her own. “No” she whispered. “It's not what you think.”

A dark chuckle zapped her right back into reality, out of her thoughts and forcing her to deal with something that resembled a nightmare, yet was very much wake reality. “Never is, is it?” He asked. “Yeh're saying 's not true?” The amusement in his voice was laced with nothing but hurt and disappointment and she despised herself more so for igniting something inside him that she'd been trying to heal than she did for  the next words she uttered.

“It is true.”

He exhaled sharply, the way she could watch his chest rise and fall visible as he closed his eyes for a moment. Even though he'd known what to expect, the way she admitted it herself crushed all his doubts and defenses, all the protection he'd subconsciously created for her inside his mind, yet did not make it easier to not fall into old patterns and give in to the way her familiar scent made him feel, it only made it harder.

As much as she'd been dreading this moment, she was not unprepared for it. In her mind, she had over and over again gone through the situation, the background, the possibilities, had come to the conclusion that she'd made the only possible decision she herself would be able to live with, had luckily been taken out of the situation before being forced to make decisions that would have gotten increasingly harder, and she wondered if only she'd held out for a little longer than maybe she could have prevented her own actions, but she also wouldn't have given anything to stall them. It was the way she'd come to peace with her decision that allowed her to look back at him with a confidence she wouldn't have otherwise been able to muster, calm and collected in a way he could only compare to himself.

“Why?” He asked, the tone behind his voice almost desperate before he cleared his throat and composed himself. “Wha' fookin' possessed yeh teh do this?” It had not been more than twenty minutes that he'd been trying to wrap his head around the news, Alfonso knowing about his alliances in San Marino and having strategically turned them against him, knowledge that could have only come from one source, a source that knew full well what her betrayal would do to him because as naive as he was aware of, he'd trust her, had finally allowed himself to trust her and not dwell on everything Adriana had caused him to lose, had accepted that the past was no equivalent on cautionary tale for the future, that Jade was not Adriana, that she would not have gone through so much with him, reassured him, saved him, made him better only to do the exact same thing but maybe that's what she'd been waiting for, a deeper level of trust that would ensure he'd lost his original doubts. Her every word that came back to his mind now was tainted by the ugly knowledge of what she'd done, had lost all meaning and left him angry and frustrated at himself more than her, cursing himself for defending her, for standing up for her against his own sister, his parents, prospects of a sheltered future and all his plans crumbling because Jade was not going to be there to help him through something she'd done to him and he felt like a fool for ever thinking he could be safe with anybody, for ever thinking she loved him, that she was different.

But he didn't need help now. He needed nothing from her except for answers, his voice louder than he'd intended when he spoke again, his fingers once again squeezing her neck slightly when she didn't respond. “I fookin' asked yeh summat” he said, irritated by the self-assured look in her eyes. At least when he'd saved her from Alfonso she'd been desperate to win back his favour, now nothing suggested that she cared. “Did they threaten yeh? Did they offer yeh summat? Did they fookin' touch yeh?” The way she looked at him had his anger rising, furious that he despite it all wanted to reach out and hold her, tell her he trusted her and that there was no reason to be distressed, but he knew he couldn't, the fear of showing weakness now too prominent, the embarrassment sat too deep in his bones.

She swallowed. “Alexander” she whispered, the truth now everything she had to offer, but knew that with the way he saw her now, looked at her now, it was useless. “They threatened to kill you.”

His throat stretched over his adam's apple as he swallowed, took in the words her deep red lips formed, condemning the thoughts she evoked within him but he forced himself with all the strength he could muster to not allow her to fool him again, shaking his head slightly. He could not continue making the same mistake. “And I'm s'posed teh believe tha'?”

Her eyes widened. “Have I ever given you a reason not to?” She whispered.

“Yeh lied teh meh, Jade.” He remembered it only too well, the one time he'd made her cry in a way that did not involve pleasure, how he'd thought he would never want to see it again and would do anything he could to prevent it but here he was, instilling the very same fear within her he had then, resisting the temptation of soothing his frustration in taking the other hand the same way he had the very first time he'd bent her over the very desk behind him.

“I know” she said. “But I did it to protect you. I know the business should come first and that … it was weak, but I stand by my decision. I didn't tell you because I knew that you'd set something in motion, anything to secure your alliances that would have given away that I told you.”

“I'm not fookin' stupid, Jade.”

She shook her head, her gaze softening. “Of course not” she said, swallowing, pressing her lips together. “But I couldn't risk that with your life on the line.” She breathed out shakily, hesitantly lifting her hand cover his own around her neck in an attempt to not pull it away but squeeze it slightly. “Alexander, please...” she whispered, now pleading for something she knew was already lost. “Why would I want to hurt you?”

“'ow could yeh look meh in the eye?” He said, his jaw tense as he spoke, ached now to turn back time and wondered if he would have preferred to remain oblivious to go back to just that morning, admiring her just a moment before she'd woken up, her power and everything she stood for, the way she was so at peace with a dormant fire sleeping under the surface. Once again, his anger at himself prevailed. “Sleep in me bed? I fookin' saved yehr life, I fookin' … I gave yeh evrehfin'.”

“I was so afraid, Alexander, terrified that I couldn't warn you! I swear I just wanted to protect you.” There was nothing she could say now, could see in his eyes that it was different than last time, that he'd made up his mind. “What I told them … that I didn't tell you … I … I stand by that and I don't regret it. I did that because I love you.”

His heart skipped a beat, his poise momentarily faltering as he fought the urge to reciprocate her words. “Dun't yeh-...” He bit his lip, his eyes darkening. “Dun't yeh fookin' say tha' teh meh now.” He was afraid of losing control now in a way only she could cause, and he knew he needed a moment to make sense of it all, hated himself for being angry as well as worried about not only Miles encountering Adriana, but Jade as well, trying instead of focus on the evidence he needed to get through this, as much as he wanted to believe her, he knew she'd searched for action that night she'd gotten into that car, for excitement, undoubtedly would have gotten into one of Alfonso's and Mancini's cars instead had the opportunity presented itself, in a way, maybe she was not so different, would have used her intel on him against him just the same eventually. It was good he'd found her out sooner rather than later and as much as it hurt now, he knew it would have only gotten worse.

“Alexander...”

“No” he said, drawing his hand from her neck, yet silencing her once again with just a look of his eyes, their intensity making her shiver, making her desperate to reach out because she could only imagine the war raging in his mind, nothing compared to the altercation with Alfonso or any other rival. She'd once again made him feel betrayed, had for his own good played into his worst fear, sought now to desperately soothe him and convince him of the opposite, the truth that now would not get through to him. “Wha' else did yeh tell them?”

“N-Nothing” she whispered, his question instilling a shred of hope within her. “I swear on your life … and on my life, Alexander, you know everything now. It wasn't nice for me to keep it from you, to keep it from myself because I knew what it would cause, and I didn't want to hurt you, I just wanted to protect you.”

“Stop” he snapped. “Stop sayin' tha'.” He could sense himself losing control now, grateful for the interruption of his phone vibrating on his desk and stepping back to unlock the screen and glance at the message, his face expressionless when he looked back at Jade, lifted his hand slightly as he passed her only to clamp it into a fist again, his nails digging into his palm as he resisted the urge to touch her, kiss her before he left, the familiarity he loved so much fading violently.

She parted her lips to speak when he walked past her without a touch, a word, gasping, then pressing her lips together, her heart skipping a beat when he turned to look over his shoulder, his fingers fumbling to light himself a cigarette. “Yeh stay 'ere. This isn't over.”

She flinched when the door fell shut. She didn't try to follow him, knew that he had more work to do, knew that Helders was right outside. Slowly, she walked around the desk, trying to keep the noise of her heels to a minimum as she sat down in his chair, her stance slumping as she placed her arms on the rests to both her sides, closing her eyes.

Similarly to how she'd figured things out before, she tried desperately to think of a solution now, something to do that would leave him no choice but to believe her, but it was not going to be that easy. Last time, she'd had the benefit of the doubt, had been in so deep with him that he had blindly trusted her despite all odds and she was able to prove him that it'd been justified. Now that time acted entirely against her, weakened the trust that moment had once built up. The fear of her own fate was surpassed, overshadowed by the knowledge of how she'd made him feel, that she was no better than Adriana in his eyes.

While she'd earlier looked forward to sink into his arms at the end of the night, she now knew she was lucky if he'd ever even look at her again. As much as she knew that she was right, that she had made the right decision, everything within her understood why he felt betrayed, why he saw her in the light she hated to be seen in, why there was no chance even though the truth was on her side.

She sat motionless, time passing beyond her awareness until she suddenly heard a door slam in the distance, steps approaching and she tensed, rose to her feet, yet stayed behind the desk, reaching out and fumbling for her gun when it all fell silent again, distinct voices until the door was pushed open, hopeful to see Alexander, but instead, Helders stared right back at her, his face expressionless and he motioned for her to follow him. As fearful as she was, she knew she had no choice, her heart pounding as she obediently zipped up her bag, her heels clicking on the floor as she approached Helders, her eyes wide when he still refrained from speaking, instead closing the door behind her and leading her wordlessly down the corridor. In the distance, somewhere upstairs she could still hear loud steps, talking, hurried motion. “Where are we going?” She asked hopefully. Surely Alexander wouldn't act this quickly, wouldn't dismiss everything they'd had without another conversation, without proper questioning.

Helders remained unfazed, by the noises as well as her question, pushed open the door and led her outside, two more henchmen holding the doors of the car open in silence.

“Helders” she said, her voice rising slightly in volume and pitch, more demanding now. “Where are we going?”

“Turner's apartment.”

The obvious tone to his voice eased her momentarily, comforting to her somehow because she knew that he wasn't concerned with soothing her, he would've remained silent rather than lying and she swallowed, now hopeful Alexander was open to speak with her again, yet wondering if he'd told Helders on his way out already.

She sat in silence herself, knowing that even if they were taking her somewhere else, there was no fighting it without Alexander there personally, and once again, she preferred action to the wait she despised so much, yet could hardly contain herself even during the short wait of the car, fuelled as well as relieved as she followed Helders into the familiar building, her fingers fumbling absently with her stone on the way up in the lift.

She managed to stay composed when she really and truly stood in front of the apartment door, felt hopeful, like she still had a chance – until Helders opened the door for her and she was enveloped by darkness, a darkness and a stillness inside that suggested they were alone, telling herself for a moment that he probably just wanted her to wait, until she heard the door shut behind her and the lights flickered to switch on, Helders stood behind her in the room as she turned around, the look on his face not entirely expressionless this time, it expressed something she'd never seen.

“When is he coming back?” She asked, parted her lips again, yet shut them quickly when she saw the look he gave her.

“Jade” Helders said, pressing his lips together as if to prepare himself, hesitation strange in his demeanor. “They took 'im.”

For a moment, Jade thought she hadn't heard him right, had just heard the worst case scenario that her head had prepared, but the look on his face matched, he was calm and collected as always, but there was something else. “W-What?”

“On the way to 'is meetin'. One of our men didn't make it, two are recoverin'. Turner's gone.”

She breathed shakily, her heart thudding almost violently as if trying to burst out of her chest. Her fingers clenched to fists, her thoughts running wild, she could only think of one thing. “And why the fuck are you here?! You have to do something to get him out of there, Alfonso can't just do that!”

She was expecting him to have the answer, to shrug the way Alexander did in these situations, when he was already a million steps ahead, but his response was as much of a hit as the initial doom. “I'm under orders to keep you here and to keep you safe.”

As striking as it was that she realised now he probably didn't know what she'd done and how she had made Alexander feel, it infuriated her more that he stood here despite. “He doesn't trust me anymore” she stated. “It doesn't matter if I'm safe.”

Helders stood motionless. “I'm under orders.”

“If someone kidnaps your boss, surely getting him back is your first priority!”

He shook his head, had her cursing him for being so calm. “The boss has protocol for this.”

“You don't understand” she warned, her voice not reaching beyond a whisper, trembling. “There was a threat. They're going to kill him.”

When another moment passed without response, she fumbled for her weapon in desperation, undid the safety and held it pointing at Helders in front of her. Nothing mattered now, she just knew that something had to happen – no matter what it took. “Let me out of here if you won't do anything. I'll go myself.”

“Put the weapon down.”

She swallowed, her hand shaking, her lips trembling. “I won't hesitate.”

A deep sigh, one step and a simple maneuver and Helders held her gun in his hand, evoking a sense of defiance in her that had her pushing against him with her hands on his chest, all her force, yet she hardly swayed him, standing steadily on his feet and refusing to let her pass to reach the door. “I dun't want teh 'urt yeh, Jade.”

“I fucking dare you.”

Her attempts remained fruitless, none of her hits impacting him in the slightest, ones that posed more fatality he knew to counter until he held on firmly to both her wrists, turning her arms to her back as she trashed around despite her exhaustion, his knee lifting to meet her heel and protect himself when she pulled up her leg, her struggle finally ceasing, her breathing heavy.

“Jade.” He sighed, holding on to her for a few moments more. “There's nothin' teh be done now.”

[zetalial]

Roy Mustang - a military man.

Hey, my lovely friend @prettywitchiusaka asked me to do a post all about my interpretation of Roy Mustang so here it is!

This post is all about the Roy presented in the 03 anime for the record. (Roy’s character is quite a bit different in Brotherhood. A little more heroic and a little less broken and a little more consumed by revenge.)

------

Let’s see... Roy is part of the military. That is his most significant characteristic. Yes, the military defines him. The military is a pretty messed-up institution in the world of FMA. The country is always at war and it will slowly be revealed that there’s no good justification for it. Wars have been happening because people want to obtain the forbidden power of the Philosopher’s stone. 

Roy’s arc throughout the story is all about coming to understanding how broken this system he’s dedicated to is even while his life is completely tied up in the military. All his friends and companions are his fellow soldiers and Roy is rarely ever shown wearing anything but his uniform. The military defines his life -he’s been part of it for a long time - and it is hopelessly corrupt. 

The first eye-opener for Roy was the Ishval war. He sees great atrocities committed... and he participates in them, following the orders of his superiors. He’d likely believed all the lies he’d been told about his ‘enemies.’

He hates himself for it but Roy is a dutiful soldier in Ishval. (The only exception we see is helping Dr. Marcoh to escape.) We specifically see him blowing up a young boy with a gun (in a PTSD flashback) and his execution of a pair of (Amestrian) doctors. He confesses to Hughes to killing a lot of people in Ishval.

For his work, he is rapidly promoted through the military and we meet him as Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame alchemist and hero of Ishval. At first he seems like an arrogant, teasing person with a goofy side around his close subordinates. Towards Ed, he really gets under his skin with his smirking knows-everything attitude.

Secretly, Roy is filled with self-loathing and drinks and even considers killing himself. He makes a promise to himself to fix the military, aided by his closest friend Maes Hughes. Of course, Roy wants to reform the system from the inside and to achieve that he aims to become the Fuhrer - that’s his goal for the series. He feels its the only way he can justify living and making up for his sins. (Also, as he expresses to Winry later, that he wants to be in a position where he’ll never have to follow unjust orders again.)

While he may have done terrible things, he is not a bad person. At least, that’s not how others see him. He has a loyal team surrounding him who want to help him to achieve his goals. Havoc, Breda, Fuery, Falman and, of course, Riza Hawkeye. They all greatly respect him. Riza makes it very clear that she is aware of the things he’s done in Ishval and chooses to follow him anyway. She does not condemn him.  Besides them, there’s also Armstrong and Hughes. 

Roy tries his best to be good, to improve the world even as he’s trapped by his own demons. He’s given up his innocence to get into a high-up, influential Military position. It’s not easy for him, we really see his struggles and we’re slowly shown that, yes, the things he has done are awful and he can’t necessarily expect forgiveness. 

Roy is a people person who can be very charming. He goes on lots of dates with girls and has been very good at becoming a rising threat in the military as he works his way up the chain of command. He is seen as power-hungry by many who don’t know him well. (Sheska views him this way for much of the series given his inability to open up to her when she wants to help.) These relationships are fleeting things compared to the trust of his team however. 

That brings us to Edward and Alphonse. Roy’s relationship with them is quite unlike anyone else - they aren’t Military, they’re still (clever, somewhat jaded) children. While Ed does join the Military on Roy’s suggestion, he keeps it at arms length. Edward never wears a uniform and makes it very obvious that he sees joining the military as a means to an end - he’s only after the stone. The Elrics have never experienced war and Roy wishes that he could make it so they never will. To that end, he’s protective of them, keeping them in the dark about Liore and about Hughes’ death. While he’s caring, he has the inability to be very effective about it. He’s a soldier who struggles to relate to the boys.

After the Nina tragedy, and facing a crying, distraught Ed in an alley, Roy is harsh and tells Ed to just get over it and move on. This disconnect resulting from alternating between being overprotective and treating Edward like one of his men is partially why the two have a rather strained relationship throughout the series. (And why I don’t much care for a parental!Roy. It’s not that he doesn’t care but that he doesn’t care successfully.)

Their relationship is further complicated by how they’re both basically using the other for their own goals. Ed only motivation is fixing his brother and he’s joined the military for its resources so he can search for the Philosopher’s stone. Roy is sympathetic, of coursem but his discovery of the prodigy Fullmetal alchemist for the military definitely earns him some points in the eyes of the higher ups. Additionally, Ed is reporting to Mustang - he can find all about the Philosopher’s stone through Ed; he knows it is somehow connected to the military as he used an incomplete stone in Ishval. The information that Ed is seeking out is valuable to Mustang. Later, it will be Ed and Al who will tell him that the Fuhrer and his secretary are both Homunculi and that they have been causing wars purely because they have been after the stone this whole time.  

In the first half of the series, Roy is motivated by guilt over his actions in Ishval. He believed he could fix things by gaining power. But things change with the death of his dearest friend Maes Hughes. It’s at that point he begins to realise how deep the corruption in the Military goes. Hughes’ research into the Ishval war led to his death. Working to slowly reform the military from the inside is starting to look more and more like a hopeless dream when it’s hiding so much evil - such as the fifth laboratory and their special ops soldiers they turned into chimeras after they started a war. (The Ishval war, naturally.)

The Fuhrer’s genial demeanour had fooled many soldiers into maybe thinking he might be what he appears to be - a kind grandfatherly sort of man who cares about the military. It’s only a closer look that shows that he’d been constantly throwing the country into pointless wars in order to gather ingredients for the stone and to cause people to lose everything and become desperate enough to seek it out. (Mustang and his team talk about it in episode 44). It is at this point that they are growing aware that the Fuhrer who they have been serving is their true enemy.

In the above scene, Riza describes how Mustang can use his destructive flame alchemy to prevent a riot breaking out. Despite Mustang’s best efforts to be a soldier who can keep the peace and protect others though, he isn’t able to prevent Liore from turning into another Ishval. He wasn’t able to protect his best friend, Hughes. Ishvalans are still being persecuted by the military. He can’t even protect the Elrics from war.

That’s why he ultimately has to give up his dreams. He wanted to become the Fuhrer to fix the military and prevent all the unjust suffering and the deaths of innocent people but his plans of reforming it from the inside are too slow and they aren’t working. Maybe they’d never work if it’s been the Homunculi ultimately pulling the strings this whole time. Whatever the case, he decides he can no longer justify his position as the dutiful soldier. 

He decides instead to assassinate the Fuhrer. Yes, it’s about avenging Hughes but it’s also about justifying his own existence and doing what’s Right. Standing idly by as more wars are started would be selfish in his mind; even his dream to become the Fuhrer would have become selfish. 

He and Edward cross paths once more. Edward is on his way to fight the Homunculi because he cannot stand by either. His goal of fixing himself and his brother is now secondary to stopping evil. Likewise, Mustang’s new motivation is to stop the evil corruption that plagues the country at the source. 

It is only now that the two of them can come to an understanding. Right as both of them go their own separate ways to potentially face death. I like how in the above scene, Mustang initially thinks to give Ed a military salute but then changes his mind and offers him a handshake instead. A nice little symbol showing how they’re a bit closer and also how their not tied to the military anymore. (Ed goes for a handclap because he’s contrary and it lightens the mood.)

Roy’s loyal men are staging a coup for him, directly waging war against the corrupt military. Meanwhile, he and his closest companion Riza sneak over to the Fuhrer’s home alone. (I like how he’s not in his military uniform in this final fight.)

It is fitting that Roy has to face Pride at the end because he has had to let go of his pride, his dreams, to come here. Ed explicitly states that he’ll never be able to become Fuhrer if he goes through with this. His whole identity as a military man is being thrown away here and he is at peace with the thought. 

The Fuhrer’s last actions involve taking an innocent child down with even as the innocent boy leads to his own defeat. It is not a perfect, bloodless victory.

Interestingly enough, it is Archer who takes out one of Mustang’s eyes. Archer operates as a foil to Mustang, a man who was jealous of Mustang’s prestige from Ishval and wanted Liore to be ‘his’ ishval. Archer is cold but clever; most people can’t stand him but he nevertheless rose to power following Hughes’ death. Yeah, a good man like Hughes gets replaced by a power-hungry snake such as Archer. While Mustang is a military man, he does not enjoy and embrace it as Archer does.

Archer was described as the ideal soldier because he is a man who likes war. His most faithful man was Kimblee (who loves to cause chaos and suffering). It’s a pretty good symbol as to how much Mustang messed up in his relationship with Ed when Edward decides to willingly turn himself over to Archer’s command rather than stick with Roy (who was being controlling). By the end of course, Archer has been turned into a crazed half-machine and he’s killed by Riza, who was defending Roy. 

But in the end, when Roy has finally killed the Fuhrer and finally given up on the military that has so long defined him? When’s he severely injured?

Well, they’ve finally reversed the Ishvalan policy and the finally reforming State is actually helping them to rebuild.

Riza is closer to Roy now that they’re both out of uniform. She’s taking care of him and letting her hair down. They were always very close in the military but there was a wall between them. It seems to have dropped.

Things are still imperfect, Roy acknowledges as much. The world is beautiful for it’s imperfections, he says.

Roy? He’s happy now. 

----

And that concludes Roy’s arc in the series and some of my thoughts on his character. Like all characters in the show, he’s pretty defined by past tragedies. He’s one of the most complex characters I think, so I tried to keep this pretty focussed. I see him as the main character after Ed and Al so we see a lot of him in the series. His relationships between the various characters is pretty varied and I didn’t want to go into every one in depth but I hope this works as a good overview. 

[djemsostylist]

I watched Captain Marvel...and I think I hated it.  A Review

So like, I really hated Captain Marvel.  Well, hate’s a strong word I guess.  But given what it could have been, and what we were given instead, well.  It’s better than Gagnarok, which is faint praise, I suppose given how much I despised the last Thor outing.  

This movie had so much potential.  So. Much. Potential.  Because they actually had the bones of a good movie.  The casting, as per usual for Marvel, was spot on.  They created some really interesting characters who weren’t actually cliches like they very easily could have been.  And the idea of an origin movie that merely exists for its own sake, especially this late in the MCU lineup, is an interesting one. 

Thing is though, this one...well, it sucked.  And I think it’s entirely because of the writing and directing.  It read like a YA version of a Marvel movie.  And it’s the first time in a while that I read reviews and thought “What am I missing?”  Most of the round-up that I saw prior to the movie claimed that Sam Jackson and Ben Mendelsohn were a delight, the humor and nineties references were subtle and delightful, and that the whole movie didn’t force things on you but rather allowed the moments to breathe.  Even here--the majority of the people I follow are gushing over the movie and the relationships and the subtle building of Carol’s backstory and I’m just like....?  Because I got none of that?

Fury, as a character in this movie, makes literally no sense.  He seems a whole lot more like Sam Jackson than Nick Fury, and if this movie was attempting to show us how a young and bouncy Nicholas J. Fury became the jaded leader of SHIELD, than they fucking failed.  Fury cooing over cats and completely trusting aliens makes no sense, and rather than have him grow over the course of the movie into the Nick Fury we see today, he does...none of that?  He was frankly kind of obnoxious, and the amount of moments he dropped a not so quippy one liner the writers desperately wanted us to laugh at made me actively irritated by the end. 

Maria was a fascinating character, or she could have been?  She and Carol are wingmen test pilots, working under a female scientist developing cutting edge technology.  She’s a single mother in the military with a precocious young daughter and together with her best friend they’ve made themselves a family.  Her best friend is then killed in a horrible accident gone wrong, and she...actually I don’t know.  I’m assuming she left the Air Force perhaps because, like Sam Wilson, she had a hard time finding a reason to stay in.  At least that would be what I assume.  And maybe she always thought Carol survived and the Air Force covered up something they shouldn’t have been doing and maybe she took a quiet retirement in return for not asking questions, and maybe she always wondered what happened the day that Carol died.  I don’t know, really, since they don’t ever really allow her to do much of anything except tell Carol who she is 5 times and then suddenly decide to go into space because her daughter told her to.  We were robbed of Maria, is what I’m saying, and I think they could have given us so much more.  (Give me a story where Maria takes the retirement and the payout and moves to Louisiana but never really stops looking for answers because Carol wouldn’t just have died like that and one day she digs too deep and she runs into an Agent named Nick Fury who was looking into something too and together they discover what the Air Force tried to cover up all those years ago.  Frankly, I feel like this should have been the plotline that Earth had sans Carol, but I digress).  

Carol’s team was criminally underused.  Gemma Chan, Jude Law, Djimon Hounsou (and those other dudes)--they had virtually no part.  And it could have been fascinating.  Carol was with them for 6 years.  6 years.  That’s a ridiculously long time actually.  And she has a life there.  At least, we can assume?  She appears to have an apartment (or quarters), access to public transit, etc.  She is close to Jude Law (I refuse to call him Yon Rogg bc that is a fucking stupid name), and she is also, again ostensibly, close to his team (hereafter called Kree Team 6).  The scene with them boarding the plane for their first mission together (which totally did not feel like that at all) was interesting, and a lovely glimpse in to team and the dynamics.   I liked seeing how they fought together, their ethical views (they go out of their way not to hurt the locals/refugees, which we’ll get to later).  And I loved the look into Kree society--it felt more real and grounded than any of the alien societies (beside Asgard) that we’ve seen before.  But we get nothing from them.  Like, Gemma Chan has 3? lines?  Hounsou has maybe 2?  And Jude Law 100% feels like he was supposed to Mar Vel (and likely her lover?) before someone, sometime after way too much of the script had been written, decided not to go that direction.  Which leads me to the next question, of why not?  Because Carol doesn’t need a love interest? I mean, sure I guess, but Thor, Steve, Bruce, and Tony have all had a love interest, and I don’t think it detracted from their stories?  Like, Tony still has his bond with Rhodey, Steve obviously has his with Bucky, Thor is still codependent on Loki.  Would Carol being in a relationship with Jude Law prevent her from having an equally or more important relationship with Maria?  Like, I would have loved for about half the movie to take place with Carol still with the Kree, if only so that we could have felt something of Carol’s relationship and connection with them, which would make the revelations that much more crushing when she does find out.  Like, how much worse is it if Carol has an actual life with them (which has likely only been a little bit shorter than the amount of time she’s been in the Air Force) only to find out it’s all based off a lie?  Only, it wasn’t totally a lie because she had friends and a home and a job and a lover and a life which she wouldn’t have had if they hadn’t taken her, and yet.

I loved Carol.  Or at least, I think I did?  Reviews kept whining that Carol was brainwashed half the movie, which sure, but she was no Bucky Barnes.  And I loved that.  I loved that she has awful nightmares that wake her up and make her seek out her lovermentor to spar, but she is still herself.  Like, she isn’t deadened and unemotional and tormented.  She’s happy and scrappy and sarcastic and goofy and bouncy and a little bit of a hothead and she is still herself.  I loved the scene when she looks at the guy over the newspaper, the sly little half smile she gets when she says “Heroes.  Noble warrior heroes” like she knows she’s being a little bitch and she loves it.  I love that when she knocks on Jude Law’s door at 2:00 in the morning he can’t even pretend to be irritated with her.  I love that she banters with her team and loves her powers and isn’t afraid of dying.  I loved who Brie Larson made her in the spare few moments she had between the awful directing and the horrible lines and the things that didn’t really make sense.  I can’t wait to see her in Endgame, and much like I did with Hawkeye in Civil War, go “Oh, there’s Carol!” because she had been hiding behind a shitty plot and horrible dialog and suffocating directing for far too long.  (Also, I loved her costume and her design and the mohawk is beautiful, and her powers aren’t OP at all.)

Like, imagine if the movie is divided into Carol with the Kree slowly realizing shit ain’t what it seems and the other plotline is Fury and Maria trying to find out wtf is going on, and then they meet up in the climax to take down the bad guys.  We get to know Carol, Maria, and their relationship to each other and everyone else.  Imagine if we didn’t have to guess at literally everything.  And imagine if, in the end, Carol leaves, not because she has to guide the fucking Skrulls to a new home, but because she’s functionally immortal now, and what kind of a life does she have with Maria and Earth any more?  (Like, the movie doesn’t address this at all, but I mean, this is a Thing.  Whether it’s because she’s Kree (wtf did the blood transfusion do?) or because of her powers, she is immortal now, yes?  Or as immortal as Thor or Steve, theoretically.) 

The thing is, the Russo’s and Markus and McFeely are really, really good at taking little things and tiny moments and making us know and understand backstory, and showing us how relationships grow and develop in the things we can’t see or don’t have time to see.  These writers/directors...are not.  They suck, frankly.  Who is Mar Vel, what is her relationship with Carol and Maria, what was Carol’s life like in Kree land, why is Maria retired and living in the Bayou, why is Fury on uppers, how did Carol become a Kree, why did they give her the disk control thingy and why doesn’t she take it off, what did they tell her about her past, and most importantly, WTF with the Skrulls and Kree.  How did you manage to tell us how to feel to for an entire movie while also telling us nothing at all.  (Also, The Russo’s and M&M are good with continuity while still writing new things, while these people, are, again, not.  Like, don’t even get me started on the Tesseract.)

And then, okay, when the Kree Team attacks that first planet to save their operative, they are all super specific about making sure the locals don’t get hurt, they protest the innocent, etc.  Gemma Chan immediately pulls up her rifle when they say they are just civilians, Jude Law goes out of his way to put up a shield to protect his dudes and NOT hurt the locals, and he seems sorta grossed out by Ronan and his zealots.  So...wtf with the “all Kree all evil murdered who kill babies and the Skrulls just want to be with their families.”  Like, it’s so fucking tired.  A twist for twist sake, which if you didn’t see that coming...well, that’s on you.  I’d be much more here for “everyone sucks a little bc people can suck sometimes” rather than the shlocky bullshit family reunion I was forced to endure.  The Skrulls were fucking insufferable frankly, and the entire reveal with Talos and the Skrulls from then on was like an embarrassing episode of Stargate.  

And look, I’m not opposed to humor in Marvel movies. I’m not, I swear!  I legit loved both Antman’s, Peter always fills my heart with smiles, and Sam Wilson refusing to move his seat up made me legit cackle.  I don’t like when I feel like the writers spend an entire movie nudging me in the ribs with increasing brutality while screaming “Isn’t it FUNNY THO???”  Because no, dear writers, no it’s not.  And yes, yes I do get the jokes, but good god could we have a minute?  I mean, by the end, the jokes were literally being telegraphed a few 30 seconds before they dropped.  (The Kree scanning people--Cat, High danger level.  I bet Fury’s going to be...oh yeah, hahaha he is a nonexistent threat isn’t that hilaARIOUS?  No, it’s fucking stupid.)  

It was, frankly, awful.  I hated it, so much so that by the end I couldn’t even muster up enough of a Give a Fuck to care that her callsign was Avenger (and I fucking LOVE callsigns) or care that the stinger had all of my children.  I really didn’t.  This movie was so fucking disappointing because it didn’t have to be bad.  It really didn’t.  If they had hired competent writers and directors (I should have known when they hired the Tomb Raider lady this was going to be awful), they could have made it work.  They really, really could have.  And they didn’t and everyone loves it and I’m happy because shitty butthurt fanboys are being legit gross about this and I want them to be crushed by money, but.  I want the next movie to have better writing and better directing because it’s what we deserve.  I don’t want to have to keep settling, because it’s good enough.  

[drinkupthesunrise]

Star Wars Rare Pairs Exchange Letter 2018

Hey! While I’m pretty sure I will love WHATEVER you make me, if you are in need / want of some advice, the following may be of interest to you:

In general, I like: pining, unrequited love that turns out not to be unrequited, people being friends & in love with each other generally, found family, ridiculous references, fic that explores what characters mean to each other in a greater context, alt!timeline shit (ie, what would happen if a character had made x choice instead of y), complicated relationships, baby/kid!fic, hurt/comfort.

Things I do not want: character bashing, unnecessary character death (ymmv here it’s Star Wars, characters die, I accept that, but please don’t kill anyone off in the pairings, canonical deaths are fine), gratuitous / explicit violence, mundane!AUs (coffee!shop, high school/college, etc), dubcon/noncon in any form, cheating, first person POV.

General links that might be useful to you: my ao3 works, my fic writing tag, my ficlet tag, and my general star wars tag. 

General note: I like characters, and relationships, best when they’re situated in a world that feels real, and that means having other characters around them, and the relationships between them. While the pairings below should definitely be the focus of any fic, please feel free to slip in other things that you think I might like. I think what’s below should give you an idea of that, hopefully :D. For instance, I adore Wedge’s relationship / friendship with the rest of the Fab Four / his pilots in general, and I find the Han / Luke / Leia dynamic endlessly fascinating (both platonically and romantically on all sides), I’m always up for guest appearances from anyone from any point in canon.

Wedge Antilles/Luke Skywalker

Would happily take anything, but specific loves include stuff with them founding Rogue Squadron and that early part of their relationship, where they’re a little unsure and unfamiliar but still utterly trusting of each other? Or in the aftermath of Endor where Luke’s off founding the Jedi Order and Wedge is off fighting the Imperial Remnant and they’re trying to work out if they could have a relationship in all of that? I really love these two, the relationship between them really is one of my all-time faves.

I am also desperate for pre-and-post-TLJ era fic for them. What does Wedge make of Luke’s choices and decisions? Did Wedge go with him to Ahch-To? If Wedge is present, how does that affect the choices Luke makes?

I would also sell my soul for Jedi Academy-era fic in which Wedge is a teacher at Luke’s Jedi Academy, either with them in an established relationship and founding the school, or where Wedge gets involved somehow and slowly realises, oh, actually, Luke is very attractive and there is a lot of pining, and Luke is off having the same realisations about Wedge.

Wedge Antilles/Mara Jade/Luke Skywalker

In which Wedge Antilles and Mara Jade have precisely one thing in common: they both think that Luke Skywalker is endearing and also kinda useless, and would do anything for him. Which includes teaming up to save Luke when he gets into yet more trouble (insert situation of choice here) despite the fact that Mara is really not very convinced by this short fly-boy with floppy hair who cannot act, and Wedge is not really over the fact that Mara wanted to kill Luke. Bonus points for them discovering that they have far more in common than they think, and for Talon Karrde & Booster Terrik background shenanigans.

(I’d be okay with platonic!wedge&mara, if you can’t get that bit to work, but I would like Wedge and Mara to both be in love with Luke - or on their way there - and for Luke to love them both back.)

Wedge Antilles/Leia Organa

I think Wedge and Leia are very alike, in some ways - both soldiers with a sense of duty that goes far beyond themselves, who’d sacrifice their personal lives for their ideals every time. So anything that builds on that, really; either early Alliance / Rebellion (pre / post Yavin), with Leia still trying to sort out her feelings for Han / Luke and working them out with the person who is the mid-ground between the two (fight me on this Wedge is Han’s smuggling no-good self crossed with Luke’s idealism and good!man nature), or possibly after the Jedi Temple Massacre, or post TLJ, where they are the last two left standing and seek solace in each other?

Also! If you have read the 2013 Marvel Star Wars comic (the Wood/D’Anda one), you should know I was so very very very weak for Leia as Squadron Commander and Wedge as her second, and I cannot believe that was an actual thing that happened in Legends okay??

Wedge Antilles/Han Solo

Okay I can hear you probably going ‘huh what’ and I submit to you these quotes from the X-Wing books, and actually the entirety of Solo Command as a book. Essentially, Corellians giving each other shit. But no seriously in Solo Command there’s a real easiness and willingness to tease and I’d be really interested as to how they got there, and if it ever was anything more.

Also, in new canon – I’ve always figured that Wedge and Han might have a bit of antagonistic start to their relationship, Wedge is much more of a believer and very willing to die for the cause – how does he react when he finds out what Han did in Solo? Aiding Enfys Nest? Does that change his feelings?

Wedge Antilles/Leia Organa/Han Solo

Okay so Wedge spends an astonishing amount of time in the X-Wing books putting Han and Leia’s relationship back together (only for The Courtship of Princess Leia to happen, poor guy.) Like. He’s really invested in it. And also half in love with both of them it seems.

But, what I really want … is new canon, in which during the Aftermath trilogy Wedge ends up staying with Leia, and sort of never leaves, and even when Han comes back he’s still there, and then he helps out when Ben is born, because Wedge is very good with babies and this is a very important fact, and slowly Han and Leia realise, oh, wait, we never want him to leave.

I would also be very happy with drunken hook-ups, or Han and Leia accidentally propositioning Wedge.

Wedge Antilles/Biggs Darklighter

They must have known each other on Yavin, so it’s not inconceivable that they might have met and, y’know, got it on. So quick and dirty introductions, or possibly even something set later, after the Death Star battle, where Biggs!lives and the two pilots who didn’t get that shot off try and find solace in each other.

Wedge Antilles/Bodhi Rook

So – well, Wedge was at the Imperial Academy for a time, as was Bodhi, and although it’s unlikely they were in classes together, I think that their paths could have crossed; what’s it like when they see each other on Yavin all those years later? If Bodhi is the only survivor of the Rogue One team, and Wedge is the only survivor of the original pilots (Luke is too new, really) do they find solace in each other? Do they only really catch up after the war with each other, and suddenly realise that no one else is quite going to understand their grief? (I am heavily into Wedge Antilles has a case of survivor’s guilt the size of a Star Destroyer this ship only compounds my feelings).

Wedge Antilles/Lando Calrissian

They took down a Death Star together, that’s a start. I think the other thing about these two is they’re both very set on keeping their people safe – Wedge with his pilots, Lando with the people of Cloud City, and they have principles and lines they won’t cross but they’ll go through hell and back to try and save as many as they can. So maybe something about that?

Wedge Antilles/Col "Fake Wedge" Takbright

I can’t believe Jason Fry made ‘fake wedge’ an actual thing, but IT HAPPENED, and so we should all take advantage of this glorious fact by making them kiss or something, I dunno, fill in the blanks.

On a semi-serious note, I actually really like the care between them at the end of that story, how Col takes one look at about-to-succumb-to-the-worst-survivor’s-guilt-wedge and just, doesn’t stand for it. And so I would LOVE fic about all the times that Col keeps digging Wedge out of despair. Maybe about how Col turns into Wedge’s most erstwhile defender, and Wedge keeps asking why Col keeps putting himself on the line for him, and realisations about how maybe what’s between them has developed into something more.

Wedge Antilles/Mon Mothma

This was mostly crack, until I incepted myself with last year’s rare pairs letter, and now I have very serious feelings about it and I want them to be in love. And have really good sex.

I think they are both serious impassioned people who want to do what is right, only Wedge is brash and daring and Mon is tempered by experience / diplomacy. So maybe something where Wedge does something reckless and Mon has to take him to task for it? Or Wedge trying to lure Mon out of her seriousness, but also he is a very serious person himself but seriously, Chancellor, you have been at your desk for twenty hours please come to the mess. Love letters – they write letters after the war and slowly fall in love?

Fucked-up power dynamics are also very much a feature: Mon is ultimately Wedge’s commander in chief, his life is in her hands, etc. I like the power play, I like it a lot.

Wedge Antilles/Amilyn Holdo

There’s something about the way Amilyn reacts to flyboys doing stupid things, like she has seen it all before. Maybe she has? I feel these two would have really good banter and a very sparky relationship, lots of challenging each other. But also mutual respect, possibly found later – they are both very good at their jobs.

I’d love fic set post-Rebellion era, where they’re both trying to find their footing in the new Galaxy, or maybe fic set around TLJ – what if Wedge is with the Resistance? Does he conflict with Amilyn over her command decisions? (I think Amilyn should still have charge of the Resistance, don’t make Wedge outrank her.) Can he mediate the conflict between her and Poe? What if Wedge is with the Republic and brings a fleet to save the day?

Wes Janson/Derek “Hobbie” Klivian

So Wes and Hobbie are like the ultimate wingpair / brothers-in-arms, they are two peas in a pod, and I love them. I like slow realisation of feelings, the dragging out of the relationship over the years, perhaps one of them pining away whilst the other one wakes up one day and is like ‘oh, it’s you, you’ve been here all along and I never noticed.’ But also! Comic shenanigans, prank wars between them, practical jokes, truth or dare - I’m easy to please, honestly.

Jagged Fel/Jaina Solo/Zekk

Okay, for those who didn’t go and read all of Legends… Jagged Fel is Wedge Antilles’ nephew, Jaina Solo was Han and Leia’s daughter, and Zekk was one of Luke’s students. There was a bit of a love triangle going on. However, in many points, it was less of a love triangle, and more… well. They should have all banged.

Key moments include that time Jaina and Zekk were in a hive mind, and got slightly confused over whose memories were whose, leading to this conversation:

Our boyfriend means business, Zekk observed.

Don’t know that it’s him. And it’s old boyfriend.

Right. We’re so over him.

We?

And also the bit in Legacy of the Force: Invincible, where after Jag and Zekk help pull Jaina out of a sticky situation, she, in a state of confusion due to her banged up head, asks them to both to bunk with her.

So, basically, I want poly shenanigans – fic after the proposed quarters sharing would be great (what if Jag and Zekk took her seriously and had already moved everything about by the time she came round???), messy relationship rebuilding after the Dark Nest fiasco, something where Zekk steps in as Jaina and Jag’s relationship starts to fall apart post NJO? I dunno. But I want them all to kiss.

Plourr Ilo/Evaan Verlaine

They are both kickass lady pilots, and they are both very gay, sooooooooo… it is a crime that they do not exist in the same canon. I want shenanigans. I want an encounter where one or both is undercover and they don’t realise the other is a rebellion / new republic pilot until after everything. I want them on different squadrons trying to one up each other.

[scribbles-by-kate]

Series rewatch thoughts - 1.19 “The Return”

Picking up from my thought at the end of the last recap, it seems clear that Rumple found Kathryn after her accident and brought her somewhere, maybe to that abandoned house Sidney talked about. He kept her there, gave her food and water, and then drugged her, until he left her in that field and she was able to find her way to town just before Mary Margaret was sent over the town line.

As for the main thread of this episode - Rumple and Bae, now that we know about Rumple’s loss of his own father, his reluctance and fear at the portal makes more sense, or adds another layer to that behaviour. Because, although he was reluctant to be powerless, and he likely didn’t believe Bae would find another way to free him from the dagger, he didn’t back out on their deal until he saw the portal. It seems to me that he was afraid of that magic, and if I was watching that for the first time again, I’d be questioning why he was afraid of a bit of magic, when he had so much of his own. That would make me think there was more to it, and, indeed, there is. I do think that he was afraid to be powerless, but I think he would have gone with Bae if he’d found another way. I absolutely do think he would have gone with him, because he had his chance to back out when Bae came to him that night. He didn’t take it then, even though he was going on about being powerless. He was clearly thinking of backing out of the deal then, but he didn’t do it. He only did it when he told Bae the portal would rip them apart, and, again, if I were watching for the first time, I’d be wondering why he said it exactly like that.

Not that I believe going to the Land Without Magic would actually have freed Rumple anyway. Blue wants to send him somewhere he can’t use his power, but he’d still be the Dark One, and we know from later seasons that magic can exist in the Land Without Magic, and that if Rumple were killed there, the Darkness would likely have swirled around looking for a new host. Plus, he’d still be immortal if he weren’t killed. So Blue’s solution is simply to rid herself of the headache of Rumple/the Dark One, rather than actually help in a meaningful way.

Also, Blue says what ails Rumple is specific to their realm, and that his powers don’t belong there, which…doesn’t make sense? Honestly, she’s so shady. Morainne’s talk about the first power and Blue saying she’s on the right side, as opposed to the good side, just makes her sound so questionable. And WHY doesn’t she tell Bae to try True Love’s Kiss? She’s a fairy: surely she knows about that!

A couple of other things about Blue - her antagonistic attitude to Rumple when he asks her about another way to get to Bae doesn’t really fit with my idea of a benevolent fairy. I wonder if she’s influenced by what happened with Rumple’s mother and the fact that he was meant to be the Saviour and is maybe denying the idea that she should have done more to protect him way back when. And Blue is clearly awake in Storybrooke. She smiles when Rumple asks about August, and, though she’s telling him the truth about August and his father, it also conveniently fits the narrative about Rumple and Bae, and August says a fairy told him about Rumple. We saw August with Blue, so obviously Blue is awake. She’s so damn shady!

At this point in the flashbacks, we are past the point where Rumple made Bae forget about commanding him to kill Beowulf. Watching again, it’s heartbreaking to see that Rumple getting worse and he and Bae growing apart is a result of Rumple trying to protect Bae from the Darkness. He sacrificed his own soul to keep Bae’s pure, but it still tore them apart. Rumple tells August that Bae was the bigger man, but only because he made him so, and damned himself in the process. It’s heartbreaking.

The story about Rumple’s addiction to power has threads in this episode too. Rumple says he needs more power to protect Bae, and worries about being powerless, but he’s not quite so far gone that he wouldn’t have given it up. I know they didn’t explicitly call this an addiction until Rumple said it in season six, but that’s clearly what it is when you read between the lines.

And the thing is, Rumple does have moments where it looks like he might be able to overcome the addiction. He has two of them in this episode. The first is when he goes into the woods with Bae, and the second is when he hands August the dagger, telling him he’s choosing him now. Most of the time in situations like this, Rumple’s intention is honourable: it’s only circumstances that make it not work out. In the woods with Bae, he was frightened and traumatised by the portal, and in the woods in Storybrooke, August wasn’t really the son he thought he was reuniting with. So his intentions don’t work out, and he doesn’t conquer his addiction.

So, really, I can’t blame Rumple for believing that intent is meaningless. For him, it always has been. He may intend to do the right thing, but then something will happen to thwart his intention. And I don’t think the instances of that in this episode were about him choosing not to do the right thing, or not simply that. With Bae, he didn’t go through with going through the portal because he believed it would tear them apart, as it did him and his father. And with August, he gave him the dagger: he’d handed it over, made his choice, and then discovered he’d been deceived. So it wasn’t about choosing power: it was about fear and loss, and it was about deceit.

For Regina, I think it’s somewhat simpler. You intend to do something, you do it, and it’s done. She intends to get her revenge on Snow White, and she’s not willing to stop until she does so. But Rumple is older and has lived longer, and has experienced his plans not working out as he intends more than she has. He’s somewhat more jaded than she is.

I believe that Regina is right, though: intent is everything. And I think that’s what Rumple has to learn, or one of the things he has to learn. His take seems to be that you can intend something, but if it doesn’t happen, what you intended means absolutely nothing: hence, it’s meaningless. But his is a more pessimistic view, and maybe more practical too. I think what Regina believes is more optimistic and aspirational. And I think Belle believes that way too.

Belle later tells Rumple she wants him just to try, and, for a long time, he resists that, because, to him, intent means nothing because it never works out: trying never works out. But then, eventually, he does try, and that kind of transforms his life. He intends to do better, he tries to do better, and he succeeds. So I think, by the end of his story, he’s more of a convert to Regina (and Belle’s) way of thinking: intent is everything.

What we learn about Bae seeking a way to rid his father of his magic safely actually ties in with what we learn about Neal trying to destroy magic later on in the series. I know there was some suggestion about Neal doing that so he could protect himself from Rumple, but I think what we know about Bae from this episode suggests that he might have been looking for a way to save Rumple also. Honestly, it could easily have been both. We know on some level that Neal feared his father, but he also loved him. So I don’t think, in hindsight, Neal wanting to destroy magic should have come as such a surprise: it was similar to what he wanted to do as a child.

The way Rumple looks at August at Mary Margaret’s party is heartbreaking. He thinks this is his son, and he just doesn’t know how to deal with it. I think Archie is really helpful to him. I’m sure that whole situation must have been so odd for Archie, hearing that Mr Gold had a son who maybe wanted to kill him, but he’s kind and understanding, and actually helps.

The fact that Rumple thinks Bae might kill him says a lot about how guilty he feels, and how he knows how wrong he was. He’s also quick to tell Archie that his son isn’t the one who needs to ask for forgiveness. He’s had centuries to berate himself for his poor choices, and he’s under no illusions that he was in the right.

I’ve had a lot of issues with Rumple’s lack of honesty in later seasons, but he says it here himself: honesty’s not the best colour on him. So it’s very telling when Rumple does go out of his way to be honest. When Rumple’s being completely honest, you know that means he really cares, and he really wants to do right and make amends. He’s only like that with five people in his life: Bae, Belle, Gideon, Alice, and Wish Hook. He has moments with other people, like Robin, but usually he will only really be honest with people he really cares about.

I really, really hate what August does to Rumple in this episode. His own desperation isn’t really an excuse, and his life being on the line isn’t one either. Rumple asks why he didn’t just come to him, and I don’t think August’s explanation that he needed him to want it holds up, or is particularly fair to Rumple. He basically stole Rumple’s apology to his son. Rumple can’t find it in him to be that eloquent when he meets the real Bae later, perhaps because he feels like that might get taken from him too. At the same time, I wonder if August really believed he would get that emotional a reaction from the Dark One. It’s easy to plan to trick this all-powerful sorcerer, but then to do it and have said sorcerer break down? I don’t know that he was prepared for that. And I do also wonder if August was hearing the words he wanted to hear from his own father, so he was pretending in that moment for his own emotional wellbeing. I do hate what he does here, but I don’t despise him somehow. I think there are definitely characters I dislike a lot more.

There was some talk about a retcon when we learned later on that Bae did use the dagger on Rumple. He tells August that his son would never try to control him, but I think, even though Rumple clearly knows that that’s not true, he’s never going to reveal that to the man who’s pretending to be his beloved son. Of course he’s going to talk Bae up to August. I don’t think he would ever tell just anybody that about Bae. I think the only ones who know the truth about that are Belle, and the first version of Gideon. Rumple’s not going to reveal that truth to very many people. So it’s Rumple being selective with the truth, rather than a retcon (and I hate that word anyway, especially when applied to such a non-linear story).

A few other things I wanted to talk about briefly:

It’s so weird to see how different the back room looks. They even changed the colour of the walls a few times. It’ll be interesting to see when they settle on the layout they had until the end.

Rumple skulking at Mary Margaret’s party is kind of amusing and sad. I’m assuming he was invited because he was her lawyer, but I suspect he only went because he wanted to keep an eye on August.

Henry’s card for Mary Margaret is still funny.

I can’t believe Regina is only now thinking to ask Rumple what giving her the curse was all about. I suppose it shows how much, at the end of the day, she did trust him. But her realisation that it’s all going to lead back to her clearly signals to her that he’s setting her up. I mean, I don’t know if he is. Maybe he just wants to remind her that he’s more powerful. Regina found a way to get out of it anyway, but it still must sting of betrayal when she realises he’s not actually on her side. It’s amazing to me that she trusted him, but, as a viewer, I know more than she does, so, from her point of view, this must turn her world upside down, even though, as we know, she’s keeping leverage over him too, so I suppose I can’t feel too sorry for her here. It’s a weird kind of trust/mistrust relationship that they have, and she’s well able to give as good as she gets when dealing with him. Also, Rumple inviting her to figure it out shows he doesn’t think she’s an idiot. Maybe he wants her to figure out what his beef with her is. I do still think it’s about the whole power play thing, but, very soon, now, it’s going to be all about Belle.

Maybe diagonally is the smartest thing Emma Swan will say in seven whole seasons. Perceptive, Emma.

Yes, David, Kathryn is amazing. I’m kind of sorry we never got to see them be friends after the curse broke and they remembered who they were. I like to imagine they were friends off screen.

And I’m glad David apologised to Mary Margaret, but I’m also glad that she didn’t just go back to him. She held her ground, and I love that.