#now we are just in depression hell
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10 Things for 10 People You’d Like to Know Better!
tagged by @ennn !
• last song: mirror by the last dinner party (decided to finally listen to thier debut after watching them perform at the brits last night and oh boy they are so good)
• last book: green arrow: year one. if comics count. else the haunting of hill house by shirley jackson
• last movie: wicked! watched it for the 5th time a couple days ago
• last TV show: very important people (or station 19, if webshows don't count)
• favourite colour: yellow!!!!!!! (i'm sure this is a big surprise)
• sweet/savory/spicy: sweet
• relationship status: 👎 its just me in here
• last thing I googled: green arrow year one (couldn't remember if i'd got the title right lmao)
• current obsession: so many. can't stop thinking about vip lore. but also severance is gutting me whole. but also there's those gay witches. but also doctor who is coming back. but also i'm deep in grey's anatomy. but also elsbeth <3. but also
• looking forward to: when i can finally play f major on guitar without my thumb cramping. also the leftover chicken korma i'm gonna have in 10 minutes. also when they finally send me my master's degree :)
if you see this you can consider yourself tagged or whatever if you want
#/tagged#doctor who in a month how we feeling#also yeah i started grey's last year & i'm now currently on s15 (& s2 of station 19) & idk what to tell you#meredith grey's wide eyed depression has bewitched me body and soul#& currently teddy's just come back & i am so happy. teddy altman they could never make me hate you#i miss cristina yang with every season but without her departure we never would've gotten eve polastri so i can kinda live with it#but imo private practise was NOT worth losing addison forbes montgomery not even close. tho twas still fun#oh the fireman one is fun too. i prefer it to pp but that might just be bc it's set like. now instead of in 2007 dsjakldsjakl#i heard that maya & carina are gonna be a thing at some point & i am fascinated to see how the hell that happens#sorry for rambling abt grey's in the tags i guess#but i have literally nobody to talk about with this show it's criminal minds all over again#sorry for getting obsessed with 2000s american procedurals again#like it's my fault#anyway gonna go eat some curry & then draw bad severance fanart. bye
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im gonna be honest nobody in the ostc fucking likes me asides from my friends since a little something happened and it somewhat crapped down my "reputation" i guess. i need to come over that aand accept that if it wasnt over my designs and art id be given a weird look 24/7. lol. someone tried ruining my chances of being a guest artist of something just because we dont like eachother and someone else ripped off my oc because we dont like eachother people want me gone ahhhhhhhh i wish i could completely migrate to the lisa fandom but im a bit too young for that rn, atleast in my own opinion. i dont want to risk it taking a toll on my mental health considering lisa is one hell of a game LOL. i love this game but id prefer waiting that im a bit older to make it the "only" thing idk how to put it in words??? im bad at explainig aghhhhhh; i genuinely cant believe the community of a game so life ruining has been way nicer to me than a community of trading fucking objects with limbs like pokemon cards. idont really care anymore but its sad ppl dont really like me alot, however im glad ppl like my lisa stuff though i feel happier focusig on that and my friends an drawing . ah
funny cat video
#IM OPPS WITH AN ALMOST 20 YEAR OLD PLEASEE GET ME OUT OF HERE#we r mutually blocked and im not going after them since but uhhhh they found my twitter somehow when it was inactive#i didnt even use my normal user it was just a default google user and i never linked it what the hell it scared me so bad lol#if i told you the reason we r blocking eachother youd be baffled. anyways#im grateful for everyone whos nice to me in the lisa community#im also grateful to thoses in the ostc community who accepted me somewhat#even if its just for my designs#i just wish people would get off my dick especially when now i know i have a grown ass adult against me#i try to be as normal as i can. however depression. but i like to play and draw#but i got a bunch of awesome ocs on toyhouse so maybe its worth it#and art of my ocs i love my ocs and my friends#ill see what ill make of my online presence eventually#i still have a little bit of time and my life ahead#everythig will b okay#:( i hope
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The thing about the "but do i have a soul" bit in tt03 is it absolutely is plausible as a reaction due to kons intense depression that kind of peaks during this era but 1) it is Not intended that way and i think its stupid to pretend geoff had anything in mind re kon but the ridiculous evil genes storyline, and 2) it is dealt with in the most boring way possible. Anyway point being u can read that as kon being deeply in it but that doesnt take away from how stupid that entire plot was and how geoff clearly didnt do much research when writing it. Also characters are written by people who direct all their thoughts and actions remember that? Wild
#I mean kon is ooc in the entirety of tt03 its not just this part. But#Since this is what were talking about currently#But yeah fuck tt03 to hell with tt03 why are we still taking any characterization from that comic i thought we all agreed it was bad#Also girl if u want depression kon u also have the entirety of sb94#Where its shown much better and sure again. Is not entirely intended in a way we read it now#(everything about knockout and tana having been traumatic experiences for kon is ignored)#But at Least his entire character is not ooc and a cardboard cutout of what it was#Ohhh but hes ooc just bc of depression—no its still bad#Geoff thinks kon is someone who only cared for himself and had to be shown how to be compassionate care about people etc#Which is a fucking lie#Kon has many flaws but being selfish and not caring about people has never been one of them#Anyway read reign of the supermen and sb94#kon el#txt
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Magggennnttaaaa!
#before the pandemic i sold a lot of original paintings and such at conventions and shows in my area#well some locals at a gathering today kindly informed me someone has been selling copies of my plague doctor piece#and some of my mini prints and presenting them as their own same with stickers#its not only ai we gotta worry about now even the damn locals are doing this shit#i got a show in may coming around the corner and I'm thinking i might not even sell paintings and stuff anymore if this is going to happen#im a creator that loves collaboration and thinks art should be free to enjoy#if this person approached and asked if they could sell my work i wouldn't give a fuck personally provided they give me credit and or a link#back to my stuff hell if people want to print my work if they cant afford it go for it#but fuck dude you don't just claim you did all that work as if it was yours#this was disheartening news#and several other local artists found out too at this venue that their work had been turned into stickers that vendors bought off amazon#ill hop off the soap box in a minute#still scrambling to get kofi stuff set and donation links prepared#thanks for your patience everyone#im getting out of a depressive funk too with what happened at my work place#and im gonna be speaking with a legal aid rep next week#magenta is my safe word for venting
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screaming in the club

time for another vent in tags
#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO#i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe#n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th#ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a#utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai#ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell#like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc#then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no#food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it#harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now.#the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats#fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS.#all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY#SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf#the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther#es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much.#i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the#bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and#no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh#it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression#i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat.#im so close to snapping on them at this point#i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT#everything has gone to shit#vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.
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#junk#in May!!! in freaking May!!!#with no rain either!!!#just thinking about how things will be 10 or 20 years from now makes me want to#lose my fucking mind!!!!!#what the fuck are we doing!!!!!#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#I swear looking at the weather forecast just depresses me#shit didn’t use to be this fucking horrible in May#ugh#😔#edit: yo omg I’m outside and this air is hot as hell wtf we are not making it through this
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So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.
#ra speaks#personal#watched the most recent quintin reviews vid which like yeah I went in with expectations of the content#and it’s not like I actively avoid stuff that depicts/discusses abuse I’ve been going to therapy long enough to know my most sensitive#triggers and stuff. but…idk something abt when he got to the drake bell section just set me off something fierce.#I’m all nerves and stress and self loathing/misplaced guilt from my own past bullshit#like brain can we please cool it we’ve been over this for years why you freaking the fuck out now? (I mean. logically. I know why#and how trauma works and that I’m just having emotional flashbacks but still. ugh.)#brain please be real niceys to me I have a meeting in an hour we cannot be having a panic attack.#you’re safe you’re good it wasn’t your fault etc etc can we please go back to being an adult more than a decade past all that? please???#survived my meeting so I’m gonna vent abt this a bit more bc. let’s be real.#I don’t rememember a solid 3 years of my adolescence and it fucks w me sometimes.#I remember things before 4th grade. I remember 4th grade. then bam I’m in 8th going to high school. and like#I know logistically what happened. I know emotionally I hated/was so fucking scared of [redacted] until I finally left that fucking school.#it’s just. frustrating bc if I remembered maybe I’d feel more justified letting myself get upset abt it. but I don���t so suck it up buttercup#it probably wasn’t even that bad if you don’t actually remember it so pull it together.#hell for all you know it had nothing to do with [redacted] and you were just on bad meds/depressed and forgot three solid years of your life#after meeting [redacted] <- I am not convincing myself unfortunately.
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Having a real "*freeze frame**record scratch* oh hey it's me you might be wondering how I ended up here" kind of moment rn
#i left the house one (1) time for the entirety of wednesday through saturday#skipped two of my classes did not write the requisite discussion post for either and also didn't turn in the project abstract for one#completely disappeared off the radar for all of my social obligations#and instead went down an insane research/writing rabbit hole for The Blorbos#methinks something has to give. we cannot continue like this#and like when i say this i need you to understand that i spent perhaps 12-14 hours per day for four days#on this extremely sillygoofy writing tangent#what in hell is wrong with my brain but like actually#the most interesting part is that i feel completely fine like i mostly just needed to be let out to see sunlight and get exercise#but i feel like in the past this has caused/been a sign of major depressive episode#and i now really don't know how to explain it to anyone#like i mean it's literally 'yeah sorry i didn't come to [x] i was having a grand old time writing fanfic'#except i don't think that's an adequate description of my last four days. like i don't think that explains the degree of hyperfixation#i think i need an autism and/or adhd diagnosis but also i'm really not sure how that's going to help with anything#but idk it might (and i'm going to look into it anyway bc this can't continue as it is)#perce rambles
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You’re 26, it’s time to mature a little bit.
LMAOOOOO what does this mean ??? 😭😂
Sorry you can't post goofy shit anymore you're twenty six. Didn't you know being silly past the age of 25 is a crime and a slander to society? You'll have to stop right now mister, or i'll call the cops!!!
#unless you're referring to moving forward with my personal physical and mental health#it's all going smoothly so i appreciate your concern if that's where you're mind's at#the road to recovery is a rocky one i won't lie. i'm still smoking weed and drinking beers#but i don't smoke cigarettes anymore#and i'm moving out of the place i share with my gf bc we broke up so i'm gonna be in a much better environment#new orleans (where i am now) is like another world#but i'm doing my best and i take 2 anxiety and depression meds so i'm way better mentally than i used to be!#but if you're talking being goofy as hell i'm sorry bro you're gonna just have to hit that little unfollow button ☝️🥺#i love u anyway anon have a good day
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I’m sad, I’ve had a bunch of fun cool ideas sitting in the back of my head since like new years which I wanted to use for rare pair week, but like life has been kicking my ass so I didn’t have time to even start anything and now it’s over :( guess they will just keep living in my head until next year
#this is if I’m also not dying next year… which is unlikely#don’t do what I do. don’t work full time and do school full time. especially when you’re doing a dual graduate degree program. I’m in hell#brain screams#it especially makes me sad cause when I started writing fics in the summer it made me SO happy to be writing again!!!#especially about sailor moon!!! one of my special intrests and fav shows of all time!! it makes my brain SO HAPPY!!!#as I keep telling myself - just cause I don’t make these things now doesn’t mean I can do them in the future. my ideas will still be there#I can write the fics I want and finish the YouRube videos I’ve started. I can make silly little doodles and comics and short animations#I can take my Venus plus on hikes and exploring and to wonderful places!! we can go to museums and cafes and concerts!!#we can go to the ocean and climb mountains and get lost in the forest and get muddy and wet and cold and sit by campfires and climb on logs#I can take my not fully fleshed out idea of using her and my other plushes to make a sort of live action stop motion skit video!!#I want to be creative and free and have fun and live my life and pursue my passions!!#but rn… all i do is work. work and homework and class and homework. until I’m so fatigued I can’t walk and I can’t sleep and I can’t think#to be real watching the anime and having the codename: sailor v and stars arc of the manga is like one of the few things getting me through#when I’m so tired I can’t think I have those as comforts so I’m not sitting on the couch wanting to die#I find so much comfort in existing in the space of this fictional universe and I draw strength from the characters#like sailor moon helping me get through some of the hardest fucking shit I’ve ever done in my life. and helping me remember to love myself#also lowkey helping me fight off my depression and ed and substance abuse issues#I just both get so much joy and comfort from this space but also I feel I owe it so much gratitude for kinda helping me from crumbling#I want to also contribute to this space cause it gives me joy to do so and cause i want to give back and contribute to others joy as well#like it’s a combo of I love this and want to and also as a form of gratitude i want to and also to help others experience joy I want to#but… I don’t have the time or energy now. and if my life keeps going on like this. will I ever? I’ve never let myself slow down.#idk if I ever will :( oh well
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My second playthrough of Engage is going well (just finished chapter 17) and I’m still enjoying the gameplay and have definitely had a better time getting supports with my knowledge of how to game the arena as well as having access to the new support-gaining options from the start. However I’m starting to worry about the game’s long-term replayability.
In most FE games, even if the gameplay is only so-so, I can power through several runs basically because of shipping - I’d play the game multiple times to get different paired ends. I’ve already complained about that a lot in other posts, so I won’t rehash it here beyond saying obviously that’s not possible in this case. Sure, you can get different paired endings for Alear, but honestly most of the pact ring scenes and ESPECIALLY the endings are weak. Even for the people who care more about the self-inserting and picking who they want to be with as opposed to matchmaking, I doubt this would be satisfying enough on its own to merit multiple runs of the game.
So if that aspect and reason to replay the game is gone, what’s left? Gameplay, obviously. And yes, the gameplay is good - great, even! This is the most fun I’ve ever had in an FE game when it comes to actually playing the maps. However I can already feel myself falling into complacent gaming - I KNOW from a previous run which characters are better (unless they get super RNG screwed) and which combinations of emblems/units works best, and I find myself defaulting to those rather than experimenting.
It doesn’t help that this game makes it kind of difficult/punishing to do so. There are A LOT of resources to track and use in this game, and they’re all somewhat limited. Up until chapter 17 you’re limited on how many master/second seals you can get, and even once you have unlimited access... they’re expensive! And more than ANY other FE game, this one makes it hard to get money. Even knowing NOT to spend as much money donating to the countries on a second run, you’ll probably run out of cash FAST between buying seals, weapons/staves, and forging the weapons.
There are certain units that basically NEED to be reclassed in order to perform well - in particular, Anna, Etie, Lapis, and maybe Clanne would be better in classes they can’t promote to naturally. But it’s hard to justify using them and wasting TWO seals (a master AND second seal) when the rest of your army only needs one seal to do well or comes as a VERY good pre-promote. That’s not even getting into how due to the relative lack of seals and their cost, I’m less inclined to reclass units just for fun or to see how they fare in radically different roles.
3 Houses had a lot of flaws and overall the gameplay is NOT as good as Engage, but I DID appreciate being able to build my starting class however I pleased. It was a tedious process, but it was rewarding to play the same route multiple times and use most of the same units, but with VERY different classes/roles. In particular, the more balanced, well-rounded units were SO fun to teach since they could perform well in almost any class!
Meanwhile in Engage, I spend a lot of time LOOKING at the classes available to everyone and thinking it might be nice/fun to reclass some people, but ultimately, they’re doing “well enough” in their default class and I can’t justify wasting the seal(s) just for an experiment that might not pan out. If I use that seal, either one more person doesn’t get to promote/reclass or I’m wasting 2500+ gold.
That’s not even getting into the scarcity of the forging resources or how quickly you can blow through your bond fragments (and in ways that aren’t ideal) if you’re not careful. With so many resources to manage, all of which you CAN technically gain more of but only through playing extra battles (which are at best boring or difficult, and at worst DEADLY on classic), it really feels like you’re discouraged from experimenting. You want to hold onto as many resources as possible for as long as you can, so you can’t throw them around for fun to see what works.
What this game needs (as several people have pointed out already) is some kind of new game plus. There NEEDS to be a version of this game where you carry over at least SOME of the things you gained/accomplished into a new game. Personally I’d like to see it carrying over your donation levels, emblem bond levels, and MAYBE bond rings and the weapons you had/forged (though obviously removing any engravings. Also probably still erasing all the special S rank weapons).
I don’t see HOW people are expected to “complete” the game without that, honestly. Donating to the countries is too much of a money sink for one contained run, but if you had multiple playthroughs to do it, it wouldn’t be an issue. Especially since you’d get a bunch of money at specific chapters each run, and if you retain weapons too, you’d spend less of it on forging. If you don’t retain weapons... well, at least the higher donation level means you’re getting more iron/steel/silver from every map from the start, so you don’t HAVE to do skirmishes just to get resources.
Retaining bond levels means you don’t have to waste fragments getting the SAME bonds and skills and conversations with the same units. Instead you can chip away at the CBA bond level for every Emblem/unit pair. As for bond rings, I’d mainly want to see them retained so you don’t have to deal with as much gatcha hell in getting all the rings.
And of course on a new game plus, with all the extra resources at your disposal and less ways you NEED to spend it, you’d be free to experiment more with reclassing units!
I’m just disappointed because I genuinely LOVE this game but there are so many ways it could be better and give me a reason to keep playing it. A lot of the characters are great and I honestly see a ton of shipping potential in the supports... but they all go nowhere without paired endings. The gameplay is the best it’s ever been for FE, and I’d love to experiment and come at it with different units and builds... but I’m so scared of wasting valuable resources that I’m mostly unwilling to experiment and instead stick to the units that are reliable as-is.
#fire emblem#fire emblem engage#fe17#we should be getting one more free update to go along with the 4th dlc#so there's a slim chance we'll get new game plus or paired endings then. but i wouldn't bet on it#it's just depressing because honestly EITHER ONE of those by itself would mostly save the game for me#either i could focus on shipping and replay for different paired endings#or with new game plus i'd be able to relax and actually use my resources. so the gameplay would get a shake-up#and every run being more unique i'd be able to get by more on gameplay alone. right now it's getting a bit stale#for the record i haven't bought the dlc so i don't know how much it impacts the whole resources issue#i know you get a bunch of free money which would be nice but... the story AND gameplay are SO tightly designed#around having specifically 12 emblems (plus the lategame spoiler)#HOW am i supposed to get into chapter 11 or 22 when I have an army of dlc emblems?#or 17 which is explicitly a 6-on-6 emblem war? but uh with dlc that's very much not the case#hell the final battle specifically wants you to have and use all 12 emblems. but if you have dlc you probably used some of them instead#i like the added CONTENT of the dlc - more maps and more characters that the units bond with#but i don't like how they break the story and probably also the game. so i've abstained.#i know i COULD buy the dlc just for the story. but it would feel ridiculous to HAVE these characters and powers and NOT use them
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ten years ago was 2013 and i was 15 so i was two out of three of those things and had been for over a decade

#genetic depression sure is fun!#seriously tho i've had at least one diagnosis since like. idr exactly but a very young age#i'm not even sure i was ever tested for depression/anxiety it was just kinda. yup#i genuinely cannot remember a time when i DIDN'T have depression#i was eventually diagnosed with dysthymia in like middle school but i absolutely had depression before that#hell my mom was never diagnosed with adhd at all but like. we all know she's got it#and i might not have been genderfluid at 15 but if you think people looked at me and saw a cishet you're a fool#granted i'm not genderfluid now either#i think i was for like a bit when i was 19?#then eventually i settled on genderqueer#''fluid'' is a word i still use to describe myself sometimes tho#just not in the sense that i feel like most people mean when they say ''genderfluid''#idk that's not really the point tho#the point is that all of those things existed 10 years ago#hell the word genderfluid has been around longer than i have
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so spring might be the actual thing that kills me this year
#not that anyone cares since this is just me talking to the void but#spring is my most hated season and the time of the year where my seasonal depression kicks in#added to everything else in my life right now... oh it's gonna be bad. it's gonna be so so bad#the days are getting longer and i'm already losing my mind. i can't deal with this right now can we skip to autumn again#oh it's so bad. not even my therapist can help me right now#also it feels so lonely to experience seasonal depression in spring when to most people it happens in october/november#cause everyone is like “yay it's finally almost spring we did it :)” and i'm here fighting for my life cause for me it's just starting#then when october comes i'm like mom (mother nature) says it's my turn to experience some peace of mind#which by the way. this year i totally missed because of my health problems#and now i'm at the gates of hell once again. great. can't wait. i am at my limit by the way#jess.txt
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You know I'm starting to think this constant feeling of fear, dread, and 'please for the love of god leave me alone' that has no cause might not be going away
#*has been dealing with it since last year*#we've always had anxiety#like diagnosed general anxiety. it was diagnosed at 14. its been ten years#but this shit? Ultra Anxiety. its hell.#we miiiiiight need to be medicated? therapy would be great we know this shit is cptsd related#because '2023' is synonymous with ''doctors are asking us if we want to go to a psych ward' levels of mental break'#but this shit is also very extremely physical and its not good for us. we need medication.#potential undiagnosed psychotic depression is also a major 'get these bitches medicated' factor#but also therapy. please we just want therapy. literally anyone. they dont even need to be good they just need to fucking stay#DEEP BREATH. NO BREAKDOWNS. we are done talking now lets go eat we're hungry and chicken egg lettuce and mayo sandwiches are calling us
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