#now they'll give me the time of day | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

katsigian · 6 months ago

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#now that i'm a ''real'' modder because i can mod hairs and i can provide something ''useful''#people who never cared a single bit about my OCs or the things that i've been creating for my OCs #are now finally taking an interest in what i create and that shit is painful #never interacted with me before never cared about my OCs but now that i can provide mods #now they'll give me the time of day #now they'll show me support but not when it comes to my art or my vp or when i was creating things for my characters #i don't know how to describe the feeling that's giving me. it just fucking hurts. right in my chest. that shit hurts #this isn't about any mutuals or friends who'll read this because a) i can only mod for 1 game that most of my mutuals don't play #and b) because i haven't shared my mods here yet. all of this is happening on discord #idk what i'll do i just feel like shit right now #this is very specific to a single fandom and the people within it not my mutuals or followers as a whole #misc: salted #misc: personal

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skunkes · 2 months ago

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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)

but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.

the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore

#talkys #my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading #to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want #to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing #never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it #nothing seems very worth it #im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true #well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's #moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai #delete later #even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions #my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years #and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came #im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that #<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave #and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever #and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l

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sweetnsour-stuff · 8 months ago

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Commenting on fics is hard sometimes because I end up worrying "What if I post it and then realize I violently misinterpreted something they wrote, accidentally called them a slur, cursed their mother and told them to kill themself?"

#The paranoia of giving a nice comment seeing they responded and then avoiding looking at it #Bc I'm worried I somehow said something wrong and they'll be mad at me #This also applies to commenting on art but mostly fics #Especially bc I always comment as a guest and you can't delete guest comments you make #I always have multiple ao3 tabs open and I once commented on the wrong fic and it haunts me to this day #I now triple check the tab I'm on every time I go to comment #fanfiction #fanfic #ao3 #ao3 fanfic #archive of our own #my ramblings

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deeisace · 8 months ago

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#sorry sorry I just woke up and im having yesterday-was-weird thought again #and they are going here so i don't have to talk to the person that they're um about yet #basically im glad that im in a good enough space now that um #someone ive ive had text-based sex with and uhhh sent an ill-advised video to in like oct when i was Feeling Bad™ and doing. hm. too much.#like 6 months post text-based sex/ill adised video now aha and we've not spoke at all since like january and that was 'how was hols'#they asked to meet up 'not for sex just as friends' or i forget exact wording but basically that #no-pressure museum not-a-date #and i said I'd think about it. because i am as everyone knows a fucking idiot.#basically im glad that im in a better place now than the last time someone like expressed an interest in me as a person #because while this did give me a day long wobble i didn't have a full weekend long actual panic about it #tho they are two v different situs #an ace poly friend asking to go out with me vs someone i uh virtually fucked aha um asking to meet up for (mostly) being-friends purposes #same several-hours-later 'oh god no what have i done bad bad bad no thank you actually no sorry i cant sorry' but less intense this time #but at least i only said ill think about it?#and not actually immediately said yes because it's nice to feel wanted #and then gone Maximum Regret™ because actually all of this is way too much i don't like it i don't want it thank you but im sorry no #weird. i guess i don't have such a high baseline stress level any more? since i'm not at uni n stuff #and someone over messages going no pressure you want to be irl friends (maybe fwb no pressure)? is um #is different. to someone irl going you want to go out acely? yeah? awesome lets hold hands here is the discord with a whole buncha people #i guess #but i am being equally aro-not-super-ace Autism™ about it aha #and i am. eventually. going to be like. thought about it and no sorry. eventually.#if they ask again #i am kinda hoping they'll leave it there and forget they asked so i don't have to navigate social stuff #im much better at navigating canals everybody leave me alone please thank you #(everybody over there leave me alone. y'know. you guys are fine.)

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nero-neptune · 3 months ago

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close encounters of the third kind is an objectively good movie, but it feels sorta tragic. and i doubt thet was the intention lol. love the cinematography, love the music score, love the visual effects. that's all fun and good. but where everyone else seems to see a movie full of "wonder", it just makes me feel sad. the movie ends the way it does and it leaves me feeling bummed the fuck out.

#i'm literally eric stoltz in his version of back to the future thinking marty coming home to a changed 'better' family is Tragic and Bleak #it's why flight of the navigator was a cute movie to be as a kid. but the non-goofy parts legit freaked me out lol #like what do you Mean no time passed and now this kid's younger brother is older than him? he missed on years and it's funny but it's Sad #but at least that all works out #close encounters has the 40s pilots and an assortment of other people (young and old) from various time periods walking off that ship #what happens when they try to go home? will their families be there? will they be decades older? will they be dead?#barry's only been gone for a few days and Seems fine and his mom pretty much got him right back so they're good #but there was at least another kid walking off that ship. what about her parents? how long was she gone?? man...#like yeah the dad fucks off to space and leaves his wife and kids behind. even spielberg says he doesnt like that ending anymore #bc odds are- that guy's family is Never gonna see him again. and they'll never know what happened. they'll never be Told what happened #'dad went crazy and went missing' and that's it. that would fuck with you #this movie's like 'yeah aliens! yeah ufos! yeah the unknown! yeah science! yeah mystery! yeah the power of music'#but the people caught in the middle of all this 'wonder' w/out Seeing that 'wonder' for themselves? this would suck. it's bleak.#such a killjoy take on a classic scifi movie but i forgot how much this movie just gives me a sense of dread #it's not how the audience is meant to feel anyway!#close encounters of the third kind #rambles

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medicinemane · 3 months ago

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It's amazing how quickly you can make someone turn on your company by making a stupid and insulting move

Force me to go through the front door and scan my card when I have backdoor business that never needed a card before (what? ...I was going to somehow... sneak in and... purchase things with a borrowed card? ...which I totally can't do from the front door after scanning it?)

Or like... twitterify your layout right after your users give you a bunch of money just cause they like you, and then refuse to walk it back

...or all the other things companies do that just kinda piss people off and then they refuse to acknowledge maybe it sucks and is stupid cause "hey, the customers didn't leave"... yeah... yet

#legit; as small as it is it gives me a hint at the direction things will head and that costco will get more and more anti consumer #and I'm in minutes going from an 'I love costco; it's how I afford to eat; go get a cheap pizza'#to 'you know costco is kinda frustrating and annoying and I don't trust their ceo... I'm not sure if it's worth your time and money'#like look back and; tumblr search willing; you'll find posts of me singing costco's praises; literal free advertising #cause while it's not right for everyone; man is it so much cheaper than places like walmart #but... I legit don't know if I can recommend it anymore #for one thing; when I signed up I just spotted the members desk; walked in the backdoor up to the desk; and gave them money #now... what? you gotta ask permission? I feel like there's a chilling effect on wanting to join... at least for my socially anxious ass #and again; I just whiff this as like when games companies add DRM that breaks the game... for people who actually pay for it #they're making me suffer a pain in the ass for no reason cause someone might not be giving them money #and now that person never will give them money... and frankly... if they don't pay the membership but spend $500 how much did you lose?#but like I said; I feel it in the air; that costco will start doing more and more anti consumer stuff #...do I think it's a good idea to join up when they're gonna slowly start turning this corner?#I mentioned that quote by the founder about killing them if they raise the price of the hotdog #but... the fact the founder felt the need to say that to begin with told me something #kinda gotten the impression that the ceo is greedy as hell and wants to drain the consumer (so... a normal ceo)#and this just smacks of netflix/disney #oh... did you hear about disney killing someone with a food allergy despite being told about it multiple times like when the dish arrived?#and now disney is trying to forced arbitrate cause they had a disney+ trial in 2019 #you hear about that one? cause that's a real news story; I'll find you an article if you don't believe it #anyway; this smacks of cracking down on password sharing to make up for hypothetical lost revenue #and let me tell you... if I could switch to pirating my groceries I would; I would download eggs #so this doesn't change costco fundamentally; but it does make it feel more hostile and like it doesn't trust me #it makes things feel more adversarial instead of like a partnership where they get me good prices on good things and I give money #and I just wouldn't be surprised if they start doing more things I don't like #things that make things worse... things like raising prices to increase their profit #...makes me want to... work on figuring out how to make everything myself since no company is trustworthy #they'll all turn on you in the end; the moment the wrong person takes charge they'll start to metastasis #towards the cancer of infinite profits #not saying don't go to costco... I'm saying don't get attached if you do; I think they're ready to do what every company does these days

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girlivealwaysbean · 2 days ago

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on one hand completely ignoring your emotions is soo good for my mental stability and productivity but man i miss staring at the ceiling and listening to sad songs on loop

#idk if depression is the right word but yeah that author was right you become comfortable in your sadness you start loving it because #it becomes such a defining part of you #if i don't engage in any bad habits throughout the day i start to feel so uncomfortable and wrong and unfamiliar #that i crash and do something old me would've done again :(#the bounce back time has significantly improved tho so that's a relief #also lol who am i kidding pms will come soon im sure #but anyway #i physically can't listen to waiting room rn i listened to the opening notes and it was like #like a dam about to burst #so i just closed the gate very fast #i can't be sad rn because then i will feel lonely and then i will miss people and they won't miss me and ill cry the gasping for breath #i don't know what to do with this emptiness in the middle of my chest crying #man i hope this doesn't have any long term consequences #also i hope one day being good feels like me again and rotting in bed becomes unbearable again #i used to be so active like not physically but idk just like engaged with life more #curiously excitedly #well there's no going back now but i do hope i find a good balance #i was reading normal people and kinda rerealised that woah this sadness will always be a huge part of me. you only get #one childhood and. welp it got too real too relatable #i hope i don't turn out like her every self help book ive read says kids follow in their parents footsteps but god i hope not #this is why boys will always be so scary to me #future seems so bleak sometimes like not my 20s they'll be fire im sure but after that. am i even capable of being loved long term?#if the person who knew me the most well can move on from me in a flash. well then. i don't have anything more to give this is all #what has this post even become oh god. whatever. ill keep trying to be smarter first interesting second hopefully lovable will follow

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savage-rhi · 9 months ago

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been trying to conjure the words for a while, but as someone who’s got family who’s also going through some really tough shit involving mental health work, i just wanna say i’m so sorry you lost your job—but you won’t ever have to work with these people again, at least!

definitely look into legal routes, don’t be afraid to ask for support, and don’t give up. and be sure to rest and recuperate, etc. ableism is insidious as fuck, but you can rise above the lows it throws your way!

(hopefully that all was worded somewhat gracefully. i just am so sorry you’re experiencing this shit, man. but you’ll make it out alive! ❤️)

You don't have to worry about wording things gracefully hon. I know you mean well and didn't see anything here that was warranted as an offense.

Thank you for the condolences. This is one thing I'm hanging onto, that I don't have to work with these people ever again.

I will do everything within my skillset and empathy to never dehumanize or treat anybody the way I was treated as a mental health provider. I'd like to think I do a good job of that already, creating a brave space for people, and this experience nailed it in that I won't allow myself to stoop to this level of being insidious as fuck to a human being.

I don't know the full context of what your family member is going through, but hearing that, I hope they get through the ordeal especially if they are dealing with folks who do not have their best interests in mind.

Thank you again for the condolences and for checking in 💙🫂

#still taking things a day at a time #ive had some other anons asking about donations and such #still working on the master post and i am struggling a bit when it comes to asking for help #im working through it and trying not to let this experience taint my trust that i have in people in general #its a very hard obstacle to get through #trust was one of the biggest obstacles i had when i underwent therapy cause years of abuse since childhood makes it difficult to form #connections without fear second guessing or assuming ill intention on the other persons part #this is the third or fourth job now where i've been thrown under a bus by people that claimed to have my back and valued my skills regardle #of disability and its hard not to fall into the mindset that no matter where i end up i'll always be treated less than and that i can't eve #give people an inch or they'll end up throwing me to the wolves #apologies for the mini rant trying to give more context to the situation especially for folks that don't know wtf is going on #hope you're well and thanks for checking in again hon

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qumiiiquinnquin · 1 year ago

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ill never be good enough at anything

#vent #events of today only proved it #im genuinely so close to giving up completely #i dont feel happy when I draw because I know its not good enough and im ashamed when others see it because I know they think the same thing #I dont feel satisfied or accomplished when finishing schoolwork because I know others will have done it better and responded better and im #the stupidest person of the entire class. some things I just dont understand but I know everyone else or lots of others did #i cant do anything right. i cant socialize correctly. i cant remember to do anything. i cant keep any stable relationships #i know if i get a job they'll ly me off or fire me within days max weeks. i dont expect to be able to hold down a job for long #i dont have the skills necessary to become what I want to be which is a meteorologist. i struggle in math and that career is a lot of math #i actually want to be an artist too but ill die a lonely death. i cant even do this class. and artists are not paid enough to survive #hell what I do right now with art in my spare time is much worse than others. a mouse and microsoft paint. both arent good enough #i cant not compare myself to others. i know that they're all better than me. and im around these people every day and see it on social medi #i really want to put my art in our shredder and permanently delete files. i want to drop out. i dont know what to do with myself because i #know that im not good enough for anything except lay in bed like the depressed piece of shit i am and end up getting kicked out #i thought about just leaving class today and throwing myself down the stairwell from the top floor i was already on #just over the barrier thats right next to the first flight of stairs that prevents people from falling off the stairs from a height #the one you can look down and see the following flight of stairs. just throw myself down from that and hurt myself significantly.#ive been thinking about jumping again. from a new part of campus thats higher than where i initially wanted to fall from #if not those then sl!t my wrist or run into traffic #i just need to d!e. There's no room for someone as worthless as me #i cried when I came home today because im just done. i cant carry on and itd be better if i didnt. itd be preferred.

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bibiana112 · 10 months ago

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And for bad oversharing medical news the arrhythmia from december never went away but I thought maybe the throat infection was still there right so that could be a reason but then I went to a specialist and not only is it practically cured (just lingering a bit) but my lungs sound fine as well! which means! the shortness of breath is probably something wrong with the oxygen in the bloodstream and the slight chest tightness is also extremely worrying I could only make an appointment to get it checked next friday and that sounds like way too long