#now if i only i had a mentally ill vampire to ask me why i would throw them out because they're a metaphor for both their exitence

[thawthebeez]

had to throw out a bouquet of dead, rotting flowers. this is so chapter 17 of catalyst coded

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

Hello! I was wondering if you could please write up a BG3 headcanon request involving Halsin, Wyll, Astarion and Gale? How would they react to/take care of their Tav who has an alcohol or drug addiction?

A/N: Aw, man, do I feel this ask. Sometimes I like to joke that I come from a long line of alcoholics, because, well, I do. But it’s usually me trying to put some levity into serious family discussions. I don’t think a lot of people understand that addiction is a physiological illness: it’s a full-body response, not a case of “mind over matter” as some people like to say. There’s such a stigma and it sucks because research shows that when we respond kindly, and not with punishment or ostracization, that’s when addicts have a higher chance of recovery. So know that while I am no expert on addiction, I did try my best to be respectful and accurate. I hope you enjoy! 

TW: Addiction, Alcoholism 

BG3 Male Companions Taking Care of Tav Who Battles Alcoholism/Addiction 

Astarion: 

In a way, Astarion is kind of an addict himself. He’s a vampire, spawn, or ascendant, he needs blood for energy. He can go for extended times without it, but those times have been tortuous and caused lasting mental and emotional damage. That eternal need hanging over his head coupled with the impact of Cazador’s abuse has permanently re-wired his brain. Astarion doesn’t react like the average elf, he can’t, not anymore. 

So when it comes to altered brain chemistry, Astarion’s certainly no stranger. Although his addiction lies more within the supernatural, he can use his own experience to relate to Tav’s more pedestrian affliction. 

Astarion won’t ever outright deny Tav something. If Tav asks for a drink or a drug, Asation won’t take it upon himself to literally hold Tav down as a means of keeping them from consuming it. Astarion knows that method won’t work in the long run, and would most likely only result in Tav resenting him, and he can’t have that. 

Astarion will make a face or two, however, his expression switches from concerned to slightly judgemental depending on the context. He wants Tav to be aware of his opinion, but he doesn't want to smother them. Tav’s not a child, Astarion isn’t responsible for them. 

Still, thanks to his concern, I do think Astarion would confront them about it. He’d need to speak to Tav to hear for himself precisely what's going on. If Tav is still in their denial phase, Astarion tries hard to get them out of it. There’s no use trying to help someone who refuses to acknowledge they have an issue. Astarion knows, so he understands the shame that comes with it. But he reminds Tav he did eventually come clean about being a vampire, and about his past with Cazador, so now it’s Tav’s turn to do the same. 

Once Tav is open about their struggles, Astarion makes a point to check in with them throughout the day. He’ll nonchalantly provide Tav with alternatives to drink: water or tea, things that aren’t ale, and wine. He’ll be subtle about it though. Astarion will never act as if he’s going out of his way to do Tav a favor. No, it’s not like that, he swears! It just so happens Gale was asking for tea and Astarion thought he’d go make him some seeing as how sad and pathetic the wizards had been acting over losing his goddess, and Astarion thought, well, perhaps Tav would like some as well. 

The most difficult part for Astarion is witnessing Tav endure withdrawal. It’s a horrible, painful process. If Astarion didn’t know any better, he’d say the whole thing looked a lot like being killed and then brought back from the dead. He still remembers the way his body ached and burned and hungered upon Cazador turning him into a vampire. It may have been two hundred years but nothing could ever make him forget that pain. It’s why Astarion wishes, more than anything, that he could alleviate such agony for Tav. 

If Astarion remains a spawn, there’s nothing he can do but hold Tav close, dab their forehead with a cool cloth, and whisper soft words of comfort into their ear. ‘You will be alright, darling. Even this will pass.’ 

If Astarion has become a vampire ascendant, however, he can make Tav a vampire, if that is something Tav chooses. This isn’t a magic fix, however. While there’s a possibility Tav may no longer have the addictions they did as a vampire that they did as a human, there’s no guarantee that hunger will not carry over. Should it carry over, Tav would then be forced to be content with those previous addictions in addition to their newfound bloodlust. It’s a risk. But even if there’s a small chance it could work, Astarion proposes the idea to Tav. Ascendant Astarion would still find it preferable for Tav to be an addict as a spawn, as it makes it incredibly easy for him to control Tav’s actions. Sure, they may still be addicted, but without Astarion’s permission, they can’t take what they want when they want. It would create tension and a fair degree of hostility between the two. But Astarion the Vampire Ascendent believes an angry, vampire-spawn Tav to be superior to a happy dead one. 

And of course, no matter whether he’s a spawn or ascended Astarion makes a point that despite Tav’s addiction, he’s not going anywhere. If Tav falls off the wagon again, or if they’re not ready to try and face their addiction right now, Astarion will remain at their side, waiting for the day they’re ready to try again. ‘I’m not going anywhere my love. I can promise you that.’ 

Gale: 

Gale’s first response, of course, is to try and determine a way to solve this problem via magical means. Now as a wizard, he doesn’t have access to the kinds of healing spells druids and clerics have. But, he does a fair amount of arcane knowledge about enchantments, and curses. And well, what is addiction if not a natural, biological enchantment? Gale considers himself fairly rounded on the subject of human biology as well, so Tav is in for a bit of an earful if and when they first admit their affliction to him. 

Gale may not have experience with the kinds of addiction Tav is, but thanks to his experiments with Weave, and now having been cursed with the orb, Gale knows the urgency of living under a constant ticking clock. If he cannot consume the magic from magical artifacts, if the orb is not sated with bits of the Weave on occasion, he risks blowing up everyone for miles. 

In some ways, this makes Gale’s “addiction” all the more dangerous. It doesn’t merely affect his own body and the relationships with his loved ones, but it jeopardizes almost every other living person within Baldur’s Gate. Of course, Gale would never say this. And while he may think such a self-pitying thought, he dare not share it with Tav. The last thing Gale wants to do is make Tav’s very real problem seem inconsequential because it most certainly is not!

Instead, Gale offers to commiserate with Tav on occasion, making sure to never bellyache the loudest. He wants it to be Tav’s time to vent, complain, scream- to just let it all out. He knows Tav is under an incredible amount of pressure as their leader, addiction or not. Gale wants Tav to trust him enough for the two of them to be vulnerable around each other. I mean Mystra above! The whole camp knows that Gale’s easily susceptible most of the time, so there’s absolutely no shame in Tav admitting they experience similarly at times. 

Gale will take it upon himself to concoct a special drink menu for Tav, all nonalcoholic of course. It’s elaborate and painstakingly organized. If Tav thought their sober options were few and far between before, they certainly won’t now! Gale is the camp’s resident cook, so he takes pride in being able to satisfy not only everyone’s needs but to please their tastes as well. Well, except for Astarion. Blood is not ever to be a feature on Gale's menu, thank you very much!

The part Gale has some trouble with is wrapping his head around someone as wonderful as Tav would ever want such a life for themselves. Gale thinks highly of Tav, sometimes too highly. In some instances, Gale cannot see the forest for the trees thanks to the pedestal he’s placed Tav on. In such scenarios, Tav may have to remind Gale that they’re only mortal. And that this affliction of theirs is no more a choice than Gale’s own need for magic. 

Once Gale is on the same page, he ceases the majority of his condemnation, instead opting to try and distract Tav from the overwhelming desires raging on inside them. He offers to show Tav the Weave once more, or perhaps, some other simple, rather pretty tricks. Rolan’s display of fireworks in Emerald Grove wasn’t a difficult spell, and certainly no challenge for Gale. But if many simple spells are what it takes to keep Tav’s mind occupied as they ride out their newfound prohibition, then so be it. 

If by some miracle, Gale does find a spell or enchantment to help alleviate some of Tav’s worse withdrawal symptoms or cravings, he will perform it enthusiastically should Tav want. And if Tav prefers to handle this the old-fashioned way, Gale will do his best to bite his tongue and respect Tav’s choices. ‘I just want things to be easier for you. Life is hard enough as it is with all this tadpole business running around. Whatever you ask of me, you shall get.’ 

Gale is a faithful partner. He doesn’t run at the first sign of trouble, not when’s committed himself to another person. Be it in friendship, or romance, relationships mean a great deal to him. He refuses to let Tav endure this hardship alone. ‘I do not say this lightly: you mean a great deal to me. No matter the toils, I will stay by your side.’ 

Wyll: 

Wyll, above all else, aims to be an honorable man. Despite his suffering, despite his shortcomings and misfortunes, he refuses to falter or fall. His deal with Mizora may have sullied his Father’s view of him and dampened Wyll’s view of himself, but it did not change how he desires to see himself. Wyll knows the kind of man he wants to be and he does everything within his power to act accordingly. 

For Wyll, addiction is a difficult subject. He’s very strong-willed, and because he spends so much time working hard to do what he believes is the right thing, he can look down on other people at times. He has sympathy for people dealing with such afflictions, but behind his care, a small part of him is disappointed. He believes in choosing to be good, to try harder. He thinks all mortals are capable of acting wiser. So while Wyll understands Tav endures such difficulties now, Wyll also firmly believes Tav will have conquered them in the future. 

This can put a fair amount of pressure on Tav’s shoulders. But it can also serve to inspire them. In either case, Tav would need to talk to Wyll about how they feel when it comes to Wyll’s encouragement. Wyll, being the supportive man he is, would never want to intentionally make Tav feel demoralized. So if there’s something in his behavior or in his words of motivation that he can change to make Tav feel less burdened, he will do so. 

Wyll, like Astarion, knows he cannot make himself responsible for Tav’s choices. So Wyll does not take the part of Tav’s keeper, but he does make an effort to be near Tav as they make their decision, offering his opinion should Tav ask. The more Wyll’s presence remains a constant in Tav’s life, the more Wyll hopes Tav will come to appreciate his perspective. If Tav knows Wyll isn’t going to leave or abandon them anytime soon, they may feel emboldened to make the necessary tougher decisions of turning down a drink or two. 

Wyll is more than happy to stay up chatting the nights the cravings just won’t go away. During days Tav’s irrepressible urge causes them to feel restless and manic, Wyll asks Tav to join him for a lesson in combat. After all, he’s not called the Blade of Frontiers for nothing. Sweating out the chemicals and forcing the body to flush all the drugs out of Tav’s system is a great way to sober up. And if the symptoms of withdrawal aren’t all-consuming, it also makes for a great distraction. 

However, during the periods everything is all just too much: the headaches, the nausea, the itchiness, and the sweating won’t stop, Wyll finds a shady spot in camp for the two of them to rest. And as Tav rides out such agonizing lows, Wyll tells stories of his time as a child living in Baldur’s Gate in soothing, hushed tones. His warm voice brings comfort, a much-needed contrast to the ailment Tav’s fighting. 

Wyll cares deeply for Tav. And he believes in Tav, even when Tav doesn’t believe in themselves. ‘You can resist this, you will resist this.’ 

Wyll has no intentions of going anywhere. Addiction or sobriety, he and Tav are a team. Wyll sees Tav as a great hero: he knows they can fight to save themselves. ‘You are the strongest person I know. Nevertheless, you do not have to shoulder this burden alone.’ 

Halsin: 

Halsin is the least likely to have any shared experience when it comes to dealing with addiction. He has fought off depression and hopelessness time and time again but he knows not of the pitfalls addiction brings. Having lived as long as he has, there’s no doubt he’s met those suffering from such afflictions. And being a druid, he may even have been consulted on how best to treat them. But that’s the end of Halsin’s experience. 

If Tav has an issue, any issue, Halsin is more than willing to help Tav navigate it. After all, Tav helped him save the shadowlands from their darkness. There is no ask too great, Halsin could never say no to aiding Tav with a favor. To Halsin, Tav is a savior: they saved Emerald Grove, they saved Thaniel’s realm, hell, Tav saved all of Baldur’s Gate. Halsin feels he owes them unimaginable thanks. So it pains him greatly to know Tav is suffering. 

Halsin offers to use his abilities to help Tav ease their obsessive mind, and the nagging hunger addiction brings. Of course, druid magic alone is not enough to stop the urge from manifesting and whispering in Tav’s ear. Halsin offers to accompany Tav around town, to sort of supervise them, in his way. He won’t force Tav to change any of their decisions but he keeps a watchful eye almost like a doting father as he places a supportive hand on Tav’s shoulder each time they walk past a bar or tavern. 

Halsin knows he cannot control Tav’s actions, but he can influence the choices they make together as a duo. So long as he is at Tav’s side, Halsin will let his wise opinion be known. 

In their time outside of the city, Halsin takes time to educate Tav on the different flora and fauna found in Faerun. When they come across a plant used to ferment alcohol, Halsin explains the history of the process. Yes, wine and ale are examples of making use of what nature provides, but as with all other things, even nature must be consumed in moderation. Mother Nature blesses everyone with the ability to enjoy such pleasures, but that gift can double as a curse. It is a test of our restraint and humility to know when and where to indulge. 

Speaking of indulgence, Haslin would not recommend swapping one appetite for another, but should Tav want to bide their time engaging in an alternative pleasure, Halsin would be more than happy to oblige. Physical activity and sweating would help relieve Tav’s body of some of the toxins built up within their system. In addition, such activity provides a temporary release of euphoria in the body and brain, which would help combat the pain and despondence that come with withdrawal. ‘If I can provide you with the least bit of comfort. It’s no hardship from me. Far from it.’ 

In the case Halsin leaves Tav for a time to settle the newly displaced within Thaniel's healed realm, he does what he can to ensure his new village is a place of continued healing and sobriety for Ta. Halsin privately enlightens all of the other adults within his new settlement about Tav’s condition. He asks them, respectfully, to refrain from providing Tav with any alcohol or other substances whenever Tav comes to visit. 

Halsin does all within his power to let Tav know they are not alone in their journey, and that no matter the setbacks along the way, he intends to bolster Tav through it all. ‘You are by far nature’s greatest gift to me. No matter the foe, be it the shadows or the dependency within your mind, could ever keep me from you.’ 

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[yuikomorii]

Ayato is slowly turning into the new “Yui” (she still gets hate too but yk less than other years) of the Diabolik Lovers fandom and I really thought the fandom was healing -jokes on me-

The way they complain about Ayato being too caring now inducing that he’s turning into a simp reminds me of the same people who complained about Yui for not fighting back and calling her weak for that. Let’s just let everyone enjoy whatever characters they want WITHOUT TRYING TO RUIN THEIR FUN ‼️

Also, why did Ayato even get so hated anyway? He was always one of the least horrible ones and right now, after all his development, I don’t find anything so unlikeable about him. He tries to see the good in others despite having such a past full of suffering. If I hear anyone say “because he’s too caring/dumb/immature” I will riot because why would it be bad to be caring with your girlfriend? He isn’t even as immature as people say. Isn’t this the same guy who took responsibility for things that were none of his business but he did so just to help others?

And don’t get me started on the fact he isn’t dumb at all. He’s an idiot because he’s uneducated but his brain power is above average. I played Reiji’s route awhile now and there was this chapter where Reiji helped Yui study for her math test but only after a timeskip she managed to get a right result while in Ayato’s after story, there was the same scene but with different characters and Ayato was able to learn very fast after Yui explained to him and even she found that amazing about him because he started getting all answers right. After I got interested in young blood, I came to the conclusion that he was the only Sakamaki brother who found something suspicious about the ceremony and planned to investigate it. I recall a few other moments but I’m curious to hear if you got a favourite one.

I hope this ask wasn’t too long ;w; I tried to fit my thoughts in but it’s ok if you don’t have time to answer it soon ^^

// So many languages in this word, but you decided to speak FACTS!

The reasons why some people start hating on certain characters, are incredibly embarrassing. Just tell me you didn’t pay attention to the story, without actually telling me that you didn’t pay attention to the story.

They had previously complained about him being too bratty and arrogant, but now that his true side has been revealed, they are still dissatisfied since he is not the "edgy and complex" vampire boyfriend they wanted him to be. Do you like such characters? Good for you but only because you have a preference towards those, doesn’t mean you should tell others how much their bias sucks… it’s just so uncalled??

As you said, something I have always found admirable about Ayato is his ability to be pure-hearted, despite his background. I can’t say anyone got much love yet… Beatrix was strict but she canonically loved both of her children, Christa was mentally ill and had her crazy episodes but it was shown that she still loved and cared for Subaru, and then there’s Cordelia, who truly didn’t show or feel any sort of love towards any of her children. In DF, I’m sure she regretted her actions but saying that she loved Ayato, Kanato and Laito would be an exaggeration. It’s no surprise that the triplets turned out so twisted when they didn’t get a taste of affection or kindness AT ALL. And Ayato’s side goes beyond that, since he literally was the piñata of so many characters.

In YB, he was used as bait, betrayed, and brutally knocked down by ghouls, as well as beaten up to the point of almost getting killed.

In Ayato’s character book, it was confirmed that Cordelia threw him in the lake every time he didn’t study. He had several near-death experiences as a result of her, and she frequently whipped and beat him up.

In the DF prologue, Carla and Shin sent the wolves to especially attack Ayato, not Yui, but Ayato thought they were going after her, so he sacrificed himself for her and used himself as shield so as she wouldn’t get hurt. He got severely injured that in some routes it takes a lot of time until he wakes up from the coma.

In Kino’s LE route, he burns Ayato alive and beats him up afterwards.

Last but not least, he got the Adam curse when he was a child and that’s so painful because it basically means drowning in a state of despair and insanity, until getting to taste something similar to that fig.

final YB chapter

Didn’t count the emotional and mental abuse but the physical one was INSANE. Despite so much torture, even if some of his actions were wrong too, most of the time he continued to value his life and to be empathetic and forgiving to those who mistreated him.

Let's not forget that we're talking about vampires here, who will always be more wicked than humans because, although not inherently evil, they still have a predator instinct, but what's truly fascinating about Ayato's character is that he has such a good soul in spite of learning from an early age that there is no kindness in this world. It's no surprise that Karlheinz was taken aback.

Moreover, I thought everyone was aware that Ayato isn’t actually stupid?? A bunch of his dumb moments are merely used for generating laughter and they’re not meant to be taken seriously. People also need to understand that the Japanese audience loves this kind of characters. They consider him an idiot in the affectionate way, because the lack of knowledge and gullibility make him endearing in their eyes. They don’t think of him as a genuine idiot. After all, nobody would like a character who’s completely dense.

It’s true that he’s impulsive and uneducated, which leads to him making dumb choices but I agree that his brain works faster sometimes than the one of other characters.

One of my favorite scenes is the one in which he eavesdropped on Cordelia, hearing that she only gave Karl children for attention, and he was the only Sakamaki who rapidly succeeded in connecting all of the dots, regarding all of Karl's victims and him being the root of all evil, which was the best revelation reaction in DL. I also enjoyed how, while all of his brothers rushed to kill Karlheinz (except for Laito, who had no battle scene in his route), Ayato was the only one who was like, "I won't kill you because I'd lead your plan to success in that case," and he only killed him after Karl wanted to harm Yui. If you haven't played DF, I recommend saving Ayato's route for last because it provides the most satisfaction.

Don't be concerned about the length! I believe I wrote a lot as well haha, but that's because your ask was so interesting to read! You made some excellent points, and I'm glad you're one of those people that can comprehend a character! 🥹🩷

[hussyknee]

X

Fourth close friend blocked me. I didn't even do anything to her, she just hangs out with the other three.

I just wish one of them would explain why the way I behaved during the worst of my mental illness was enough to cancel out the years and years of friendship before that. I'm not saying it was justified, I'm saying I can't even remember half that year. I was dumped by my therapist unceremoniously, planning to commit suicide, bought equipment to do it, fought to be hospitalized for it, then fell out with my relatives after I asked them for help, went for six weeks of ECT on my own after which I still have large gaps in my memory, then my mother had a stroke and broke her hip and turned into an even worse abusive demon while draining all my savings. I had that fight with my best friend while disassociating for three days. And then my physical health deteriorated so much over the next year that I developed agoraphobia because I had been housebound so long. I blocked the fourth friend as much for her sake as mine because I was unstable and systematically burning down all my friendships.

The whole goddamn reason I busted up so bad with them was years of built up triggers from moral OCD that I had no idea I had in the first place. I fought against the obsessions and triggers for fucking years trying not to hurt them. And I was mostly successful because I only recall having a one big fight with my former best friend before all this. I don't blame her for anything because she really tried to stick it out with me until I fucked her up badly. But the other three didn't even try.

Like they don't have to be my friend, I know I burned us down, and I'm glad they walked away when they did. But why can't they at least talk to me one last time a year later before cutting off contact? Why don't all the years we were friends before I went quite literally insane matter?

This is probably really self-pitying and self-justifying again or something but I'm so tired of losing friendships to mental illnesses I didn't even know I had until after the fact. I'm so tired of having to work so goddamn hard to not become this horrible toxic person and failing because life won't cut me a single fucking break. I feel like I'm a bomb about to go off, like I'm fundamentally dangerous to know and an emotional vampire like my Mum. Things just seem to get worse every year and I keep losing more relationships, more health, more hope, more opportunities.

I can't kill myself now because my kittens need me but I wish I had gone through with it last year. I wish I could go back in time to when I first attempted fifteen years ago and go through with it. Staying alive hasn't been worth it and I have no hope it ever will be. When all else failed I used to be glad I did because of all the animals I was able to save, but now I think maybe death is the greatest gift this world can give anyone.

[zoeykallus]

Hi Zoey!! Hope you're doing well!! You deserve all the love!!

This is my 2nd request ever, and you handled my 1st request beautifully, so i thought that perhaps i would request again?

Recently, i was randomly hard-blocked on Tumblr by a (now former) mutual.. and also got randomly cut off by some friends irl too ...

To this day i have not the faintest idea what i did wrong and don't even have the capacity to ask any of them.. it makes me incredibly sad/disheartened to loose them, especially since i don't know/understand if/what i did anything wrong..

As far as i've been aware i never violated anyone's guidelines/boundaries.. it makes me physically and mentally ill to think that i could have somehow done something so terrible accidentally/unknowingly and gotten cut off for it.. 😥💔

Despite getting some support and lovin' about it, I've been crying about it so much and don't know how to deal with it still 😓💔

What are your thoughts on how the TBB, (and possibly Wolffe, Rex, and/or Cody if it isn't too much), would react/deal with/comfort (preferably fem!) Reader on randomly loosing friends and getting very sad over it?

I'm sorry for all the angst here!! Also, i know you already wrote something kind of similar (had to do with TBB helping the reader lose a toxic friend), so if this is too much, repetitive, or uncomfortable for you, i totally understand not doing the request!!

Take care and thank you so much for all that you do!! Your love and support and kindness knows no bounds!! 🫶🏼💕🩷

Aloha, hun!

I'm really sorry to read that. It's hard to lose friends, especially when you don't really know why or what's going on. The only way to find out would be asking them about it. But you mentioned you don't feel up to ask them yourself. Maybe you have someone, a friend, who'd be willing to do that for you? Sometimes you can't change peoples minds, and you don't have to. Real friends don't just leave you behind without telling you what bothered them. Real friends communicate and try to fix things and don't just leave or ignore. Hold on to the real ones and let the ones who want to go just go. I know it feels devastating, but you don't need people like this in your life. If they just show you the cold shoulder without voicing what's the deal, they are not willing to really make an effort for this friendship, so why should you run after them? Invest your energy in your real friends.

And friends who need some time to themselves for personal reasons usually at least tell you that they need to retreat for a while, at least in my experience (I do that sometimes when I need to charge up my mental batteries). Cutting someone off without at least addressing them once about the reason is Kindergarten or headless teenager behavior at best. People who really care/cared, don't just vanish out of your life quietly.

That's probably not making you feel much better, but what I'm trying to say is, that you should focus on yourself a bit more and those who deserve your friendship. Don't cry over undeserving idiots. Easier said than done, I know. It'll take time, like everything emotionally heavy does, but you'll feel better at some point when you manage to sort out your priorities. And Drama queens who cut you off on purpose, to make you run after them, are even worse. Those are energy vampires, don't play that game with them, you will always be at the exhausted, losing end.

But, I'm still here, not exactly a close friend, but a mutual I guess. I hear you and even though I can't do much for you right now, I can send you a hug and write something for you 🤗

I picked this request out of my list to do before the others, because I felt this was a little more... urgent, at the moment.

The Bad Batch/Wolffe/Rex x F!Reader HCs - True Friends

Warnings: Angst/Hurt/Comfort

___________________

Losing friends is never easy. You struggle with being left behind by some of them. How do the clones react?

___________________

Hunter

He is organizing and sorting a few things for the next mission when he talks to you and asks what is bothering you. Your revelation makes him wonder.

"And they didn't say anything? Didn't say why?

You shake your head sadly.

Hunter puts down the datapad on which he's just checked an inventory list and turns to face you fully.

"Then they're not friends either"

You frown and look at him questioningly.

Gently but firmly, he says, "Friends don't just turn their backs on you without comment. Someone who doesn't even expend enough energy to tell you what might be bothering them didn't really care much about this friendship or you in the first place."

You wrap your arms around your body, really not feeling much better now.

Hunter comes closer and takes off a glove and gently strokes your cheek.

"I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't have to chase after these people. Focus on your real friends, the ones you can always count on. Me, for example," he says with a smile, "Or my brothers. We would never abandon you".

"It just bugs me that I don't know what's going on," you say dejectedly, leaning your head against his chest.

Hunter puts an arm around your shoulders and continues to stroke your cheek with one hand.

"I know, that would keep me busy too. But all I can tell you is focus on other things, other, real friends, important things in your life. If you want I can ask them if you tell me who it is, but I can guarantee you, no matter how it turns out, friends like that will always let you down, again and again"

You sigh wistfully.

"You are a great person, a great friend and partner, don't worry, there will always be someone who appreciates that, one way or another"

Echo

He looks at you worriedly, a depressed expression on his face. Echo can't quite understand why anyone would act this way toward you.

"Maybe they just need some time to themselves?" he asks cautiously.

"All three of them?" you say doubtfully.

Echo sits down next to you in the grass in the shade where the found you and moves a little closer.

He says thoughtfully, "Real friends talk to each other, they say what's going on and don't just take off. Maybe they weren't as good friends as you thought."

"Maybe," you say quietly.

Echo puts an arm around you, and you automatically lean against him, seeking warmth and comfort from his body.

"You're never all alone, Mesh'la. I'm here, my brothers are here, and Omega adores you. You have a family here with us that you can always count on, at all times."

You smile. The loss of your friends hurts, especially that you don't know why. But the thought and feeling of having Echo by your side gives you a sense of security, the impression that everything is actually okay.

"I love you, Echo, what would I do without you?"

Echo gently hugs you and says, "Don't worry about that, you won't get rid of me that easily".

Wrecker

He looks at you in confusion.

"Why would they do that? Friends don't do that"

With a helpless sigh, you look up at your gentle giant.

"Maybe I've upset them?"

Wrecker frowns critically, takes your hand and pulls you with him to the open ramp where he sits down on it and pulls you onto his lap.

Gently putting both arms around you, he says, "Even if that were true, which I kind of can't imagine, then you bring up something like that. Problems that you ignore or eat into yourself only become bigger and bigger problems. If they're really upset about you, then they need to tell you, have a conversation. To just ignore you or shut you out is pretty childish."

You lean against him, resting your head on his shoulder.

"It just feels so weird, so heavy and devastating".

Wrecker strokes your back and pulls his arms, gently, a little tighter around you.

"Don't be sad Cyar'ika, you still have us after all, and that won't change. I love you"

"You are so sweet, Wrecker" you say softly with a small smile.

He chuckles, "I know, I'm great, aren't I?"

"Indeed," you say with a soft laugh, "I love you too."

Tech

He listened to you carefully. When you finish your sentence, Tech puts the datapad aside and looks at you thoughtfully.

"Why would a friend turn his back on you without justification?"

You shrug your shoulders helplessly.

"That's just what's bothering me. Did I upset them, perhaps?"

"Come here, my love," Tech taps the seat next to him invitingly for you to join him before he says, "Well, I think that's unlikely, but it's still possible. However, it still wouldn't justify a lack of explanation about the situation."

You look at him for help.

"What would you do, Tech?"

He blinks, then says, "You know me, I wouldn't dwell on it for long. Even if I had negative feelings about it, I would go on my way and do what needs to be done."

"But what if it was Hunter and Wrecker?"

Tech sighs, "Well, we had something similar with Crosshair, however he gave us some sort of explanation. I don't know, honestly, I don't think there could be a fault line between us that isn't addressed. Especially Hunter would be looking for a dialogue to clear things up, and Wrecker probably would too."

He looks at you, trying to read your face.

After a pause, he says, "Well, in my estimation, these friends aren't worth your concern or friendship. If they don't feel the need to communicate with you about any problems that may exist, then they are obviously not willing to put any particular effort into this relationship. So my conclusion would be, if you are not worth their effort, then you should do the same the other way around and save your energy for more important things and people that are worth yours. Time for new priorities. If it helps you, I could work out a plan with you to help you redirect your energies and reorganize. It may be a good therapeutic distraction."

You smile at him.

"My beloved genius, I would greatly appreciate your help, yes."

Crosshair

He frowns.

"Well, I guess they're idiots," he says dryly, "You know I don't like most of your friends anyway."

Crosshair doesn't like to share your attention, that's the main reason. He tolerates your friends for your sake, but he'd much rather have you to himself. However, he would never go so far as to try to separate you from your friends.

When he sees the sad look on your face, he says, "If they just cut all the lines without telling you why, then they weren't friends either. You don't turn your back on a friend for no reason, and even if there is a reason, at least you talk about it, and then you decide whether to go your separate ways."

"Is that so?" asks Echo dryly from the background.

"Quiet back there," Crosshair grumbles, "You knew why we parted ways, I never made a secret of why I left."

"True."

Crosshair looks at you again and says, "People who really care about you don't turn their backs on you without comment, no matter how much your opinions may differ. What happens after a clarifying conversation is another story"

"Sometimes an ugly one," Echo mutters.

Crosshair snorts, "Would you please stay out of this".

You look from one to the other, finally looking up at Crosshair and asking, "What do you think I should do?"

"Keep going. Don't run after them, focus on yourself and the people who are really there for you," he lifts your chin slightly with his long fingers, "Like me for example."

Wolffe

He puts down the box he just took off his speeder, takes off his helmet and tucks it under his arm. He looks at you with a furrowed brow.

"Well, I guess they're not really friends, then."

"What do you mean?"

Wolffe looks at you urgently, "Someone who really cares doesn't turn their back on you without comment. Simple as that."

You wrap your arms around your body.

"I guess they don't care about me then."

Wolffe sighs, lifting your chin with his fingers and seeking eye contact.

"I care about you, a lot. I'm certainly not the only one"

You look up at him, swallowing and blinking back tears.

"It's just so scary. It feels like at some point everyone could suddenly be gone and then I'm alone"

Wolffe puts his helmet on the speeder, then puts both hands on your shoulder left and right.

"Cyare, you're not alone, you won't be alone. It may feel scary and defeating now, but you'll get over it. You will see and learn in time who your real friends are, what really matters and what your priorities should be"

"You won't abandon me, right?"

Wolffe gently kisses your forehead and says, "Never."

Rex

Rex looks at you in surprise. He expected everything possible, but not really.

"Do I know these friends?"

"No not really"

He shrugs and says, "Well, I don't really know what to tell you. In my experience, friendships are never one sided, at least they shouldn't be. You invest quite a lot of energy in these contacts and suddenly nothing comes back? Mesh'la, it sounds like you were used and… well, don't need you anymore. That doesn't have much to do with friendship, though."

Startled, you sit down on a bench nearby. Rex follows you. He looks at you meekly and says, "Sorry, you probably didn't want to hear that."

You sigh softly and say, "Maybe. But maybe I needed to hear it."

Rex shrugs and says quietly, "Maybe I'm wrong too, Mesh'la, but you should focus on yourself for now and be careful in case they contact you again. You can't let them hurt you."

He sits down next to you and says with a gentle smile, "In any case, you have me, I won't let you down."

His hand clasps yours with gentle pressure.

When you look up at his face, he gives you an encouraging look with that mischievous, yet soft and warm smile of his.

"I got you, Mesh'la, always"

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

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@either-madness-or-brilliance

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@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

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@greaser-wolf

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@hated-by-me

@hunterxcrosshair

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@echos-girlfriend

@cpnt616

@dangraccoon

@starwarsnerd111

[syrips]

Hi, we don't talk much - if at all - but I'm a longtime lurker in the community you're posting about. I won't pretend to have context for what happened, but I'm so sorry you're hurting. Your reply, which you posted, was full of rational points, and I'm so sorry you're hurting. I do not wish to speak ill of the community, but I have noticed some unusual behavior among the members up til now, which is one reason I don't interact much. You're not cursed. You're a positive and kind person with a lot of passion and exuberance. If others cannot deal with that, that's on them. If they cannot handle hearing things they don't like without freaking out, that's also on them. You're right: people who can't accept that their Fandom opinion is not universal are ill-equipped for mature conversations about Fandom. You have always been so supportive of diverse opinions. Your "be cringe, be free" mentality is inspiring. People who also believe Fandom opinions reflect real life morality - especially in a Fandom all about vampires - need to check themselves before casting stones. Nothing I've seen you say indicates that you're ableist. I don't think an ableist would worry as much as you do about hurting others. Again, I'm not sure what happened, but I think whatever happened could have been handled with more grace and fairness to you and to the admins asked to foster communication between you (who has expressed open desire to communicate) and other adults who should be mature enough to talk to you without asking others to regulate their emotions for them. Those people - whoever they are - need to think about how they conducted themselves. I'm so sorry you are going through this and that whoever had an issue put your friends in the middle. I'm sorry your friends, when put in the middle, felt obligated to prioritize something or someone else. I'm also sorry that you felt obligated to post your chats to feel seen and heard. I imagine doing so will feel bad for you and for them, given time, but that you must feel terrible to have reached out to Tumblr at large by posting screencaps in the first place. I'm so sorry you hurt and feel alone. You all deserve better, especially you. Try to have a good night and know there are people out there who wish you well.

aah i cant stop crying, thank you

i dont wanna sound like im a victim cuz i know i can make people uncomfortable. the whole 'be cringe be free' mentality is always prone to cause others to be uncomfortable by the blunt openness. i know discomfort doesnt mean unethical, but their discomfort is valid. all i want is people to understand my intention is never to hurt, and that i apologize if my literal/direct reactions cause issues. it's why i desperately need communication or some form of these social rules, otherwise it feels unfair when i 'break' them and become seen as unethical/inappropriate for things beyond my control. and it's even more painful when told that there's nothing i can do on my end, while none involved reach out to me

i dont want people to be upset or hate each other, i mostly spoke out because it was affecting my personal life, the games/groups i was in/kicked from, and the way i was being pushed away/outcasted. not only did it hurt physically but it's been messing with my mind so badly. but reading this helps alot, so thank you.

[suicidalgamergirl]

Your Rain

Dancing alone again Again, the rain falling Only the scent of you remains to dance with me Nobody showed me how to return the love you give to me Mom never holds me Dad loves a stranger more than me I never wanted to ever bring you down All that I need are some simple loving words You touched my body once It burns me still softly Never forgets never again will be I cry Out of my head and I don't know what I found Over and over I feel it break me down

Thanks to Rhive on Discord to help on this chapter.

****

Astarion stared at the girl standing before him, trying to work out what was running through her mind. She looked so confused and he could see a million emotions churning inside her, written on her face. He tried to think. He did not want to scare her more than she already was. He paused for a second, looking down at her.

He had an idea, he had seen humans doing this all the time, but it seemed awkward to him and he did not understand why they did it. They seemed to enjoy it and find it comforting so maybe this girl would too. He took a step slowly towards her, placing his arms awkwardly around her shoulders and gently embracing her, not pulling her too close to him, but keeping her at a distance to not make her uncomfortable.

Ness’ cheeks flustered red and still feeling confused. 

Especially since she was in a relationship that made her touch starved, Ken wouldn’t dare wrap his arms around her. Even with a family’s hug, her illness made it painful. Like she didn’t deserve the company of her own family. She knew the twisted vines of her scarlett mental illness made her doubt the affection given to her. Yet it didn’t arrive while being in the arms of a powerful vampire lord right now.

Hence the flustered red cheeks. Her mind was at ease when the vampire held her. The scent of bergamot and brandy from him made her feel calm.

The hug made her feel like she was dreaming. As a vampiric fan girl, this was the best thing that could happen to her.

A powerful vampire accepts her for who she is. Not for being a juice box.

With her flustered cheeks, she looked up to the vampire ascendant.

“Thank you,” Ness said to him.

He looked at her with a playful smirk.

“Darling,” he replied, “you are the most unique human I ever encountered. Never let anyone think you’re less than that.”

The Vampire Ascendant had been around for centuries. Never had he noticed a human that took care of him in his most vulnerable state. He could hear her blood just asking for a taste.

He had his fill by biting that bastard Ken. Plus, he knew how fragile this human was from reading her journal. Years of being in a toxic relationship and having the bravery to end it on her own means, Nessa was finally getting better.

So it might not be a good idea. Yet.

The skies were starting to have pouring rain. Ness was feeling calm in the arms of said vampire ascendant.

So what is going to happen now?

“You know a lot about me,” Ness started as she looked at the vampire, “I do feel mad that you read my journal. But I guess it was a trade off when I allowed a cute fluffy white bat in my apartment.”

“Darling,” he said, “don’t be so modest. I find you tend to unleash your feelings with mere words on paper rather than in person.”

“I’m sorry. I mean, I didn’t want those hunters to harm you. And maybe I was foolish thinking a vampire like you would at least do the job Ken wanted with me.”

“Darling, don’t think like that. You’re better than that pathetic master.”

“Yeah.” Her cheeks were still red as she pressed her head near her chest and her tears were running down her eyes.

She needed a vampire to ease her problems.

****

The vampire hunters were feeling moody, especially their leader.

That human who refused them to see her apartment will end up as another bloodless victim to said vampire.

Damn women authors that write vampires as romantic interests who protect their delicious juice box.

That woman will die. Like she didn’t care she’s having a monster in her place.

He failed her. He hated feeling guilty for allowing that vampire to thrive. His ancestors will never be proud of him.

That vampire was mocking him, living in a lavish palace that belonged to Cazador Szaar. Whatever that vampire did, he did not deserve freedom. He did not deserve protection.

That woman was very stupid to refuse their help. Didn’t care about her own life. They should have done something.

All they can do is watch her die for her incredible stupid mistake. 

****

Astarion looks at the woman as tears run down her face. He reaches out and tenderly wipes her cheek, wiping the tears away. She looks up at him, her brow furrowed. "What is it darling?” He said gently, "you look like you have something on your mind."

Ness sniffs as she tries to stop her tears.

"I..don't know,” Nessa began as she looked at him, “I thought I knew about vampires, but you. You aren’t like the ones I have read about.”

Astarion chuckles to himself. Human fables about vampires are so imaginative and so inaccurate. He has read so many since arriving here and does not recognise most of the things they say about his kind.

"Darling, what would you like to know about vampires?" He asks her, finding her willingness to admit her feelings to him, and her curiosity endearing.

Ness thinks about this for a few moments before answering. 

"I don't even know your name" she starts sobbing again, "I am standing in your arms and I don't even know your name. How pathetic am I?"

Astarion is unsure how to react to this, and hesitantly puts his hand on her hair, as if to soothe her.

"That is entirely my fault darling, how rude of me not to introduce myself. My name is Astarion.”

Flustered. She liked that name. It fits his sophisticated nature. He is quite a unique character, vampire or not.

She is glad the hunters did not get to him. It’ll be sad if she left him to die. Humans can be cruel to others that are not like them. Such turmoil that humans treat each other.

Still, his bat form was cute. She didn’t mind his grayish curls and his crimson red eyes. From having Ken as a boyfriend, a vampire lord was a great improvement. She felt more secure from a vampire than she did with Ken.

[happi-tree]

Terry Jr for that character ask game ?

Hihihi Aether! Hope you're doing well, lovebird <333

So, Terry Jr. TJ. Teej. *begins weeping*

First impression: A little bit of a brat. Somewhat understandable between juggling teenage angst and adjusting to Ron's, uh, Ron-ness (affectionate <3), but would it kill him to be a little nicer about it? :/

Impression now: THAT'S MY FUCKING SON AND I MISS HIM TERRIBLY!!! So sick and twisted of Anthony to do that to him 😭😭😭 He's been through so much and he just wants to be there for his stepdaughter like his stepfather was there for him and!!!! Dissolves into a puddle of tears.

Favorite moment: Either the entire Thing that was the end of Tower of Terry or when he spotted Scary picking up the lunch he made for her and smiled about it :') I love him so much

Idea for a story: Hhhhhh this is one I've been meaning to actually write for a bit and have talked about a ton on Discord but! AU with seasoned vampire Terry Jr attempting to take fledgling vampire Scary under his wing. Scary is Not Having It, obviously (and is even MORE adamantly against it once she figures out he's coincidentally the new guy her mom's been seeing), but eventually she falls super ill bc she hasn't had blood in awhile and so Terry guiltily takes care of her while she's too out of it to argue. It only further complicates things that they were both Turned by the same man (Willy Stampler, obviously). They end up having a bit of a heart-to-heart on what it is to be a monster and how to live with yourself when you have to kill to stay alive sometimes and when you have the knowledge that you'll outlive everyone you know and love. Terry has no idea if she'll remember any of this conversation once she gets a good day's rest, but it feels like something of a breakthrough to him :')

Unpopular opinion: Hmmm idk the general opinion the fandom has bc it seems like things are mixed rn. The only "unpopular" option that's coming to mind for him right now is him just. Not coming back. But I do want him to come back in some way, so??? Hm. Oh! I think it would be cool if he switched classes between seasons from a caster to more of a fighter - not ONLY would it explain why Anthony is constantly referring to him as a "swordboy" and why he hasn't cast a single spell, it also gives him another parallel with Scary - they have both given up some element of the past selves (Scary, her peppy persona, Terry, his wizardry) in order to pursue what they think will serve them best. Also, it's quite possible that Terry associates his talent for learning magic with his trauma from Faerun and is attempting to distance himself from that (his mother is a therapist, after all, so I think that if one of the kiddads is going to make a single choice in favor of their own mental wellbeing, it's probably him). Anyway. Is this anything.

Favorite relationship: Terry and Scary I think! They just mirror each other in SUCH interesting and complex ways and episode 36 has only further solidified that for me 🥰

Favorite headcanon: Not so much a headcanon as a series of predictions, but I LOVE the idea of Terry coming back as a vampire. I also saw someone mention the possibility of Terry coming back as an Aasimar, which would be soooooo fucking neat, especially since it draws an interesting dichotomy between himself and Nicky. Angel/demon imagery and all that. I can already feel the desire to make Terrick content if that ends up being the case. That said, I hope he comes back and I hope he comes back Wrong :)))

[crackship-connoisseur]

bloody desperation

Summary: After returning home from the vampire manor, expecting to clear the air of his situation, Jim learns that he will be forced to go through with his arranged marriage to Claire. In an act of desperation, he drinks the vial of vampire's blood given to him by Hunter, with the promise that it will help him.

Word Count: 1,619

Characters: Jim Lake Jr, Claire Nuñez, Ophelia Nuñez, Toby Domsalski, Barbara Lake (Trollhunters), Hunter (The Owl House)

CWs: blood drinking, physical illness

A/N: i wish had written more fics to actually build up to the context for this but alas my writing style is fucking rancid and its a miracle i even wrote a single fic for any of my aus at all. oh well. if you have questions shoot me an ask

~~~~

"Please, won't you excuse me for a moment." James forced a cheerful tone as he let go of Claire's hands. 

The news was far too unbearable. He needed a moment to collect himself, so he briskly made his way into the nearest bathroom. He hunched himself over the sink, one hand gripping it firmly, the other over his mouth as he tried not to let any horrified sound he'd make escape. 

This was a disaster. He was going to be forced to go through with this wedding. He had hoped to come here to sever all of his ties, make up some excuse as to why he could not marry Claire, but he was met with that wickedly cheerful hostility that he had come to know so well from Claire and her family. 

He had to think fast. He surely would be seen if he tried to escape on his own. He knew now there was absolutely no reasoning with any of them. He pressed his hand into his chest to try and stabilize himself and then…

… he felt that firm little glass tube attached to the string around his neck. The vial of Hunter's vampiric blood. He instantly pulled it out from the layers of fabric he had stuffed it under to hide it. He examined it very carefully, the thick red liquid sticking in thin layers to the edges of the empty part of the glass as he swirled it slowly around. 

This was his escape wasn't it? Hunter said to use it in case of an emergency. This certainly felt as dire as one. He had explained mostly how it would work to him the night before. That it would create some kind of mental connection between them, and James would be able to contact him through telepathy, but only at certain times of the night. 

He had to make up his mind quickly. Surely if he stayed any longer in this bathroom, everyone would come to question him. He felt totally and completely helpless. There was no way he could fight off all of the people in the house by himself. But he was scared of what it would do, terrified of how it would transform him. Worse yet, what if it compromised their location, the location of the vampires? 

Though there was no one at the door, no voices calling for him, absolutely no one to bother him, he felt suffocated with pressure. He made up his mind. He knew Hunter was strong and could help him, and would help him at any cost. 

He pulled the necklace off of himself, rather dramatically yanked the cork out of the vial, and with little hesitation, he tipped his head back and pressed the opening of the vial to his lips.

James didn't know what he expected. It tasted like blood. A thick irony substance that slid disgustingly down his throat. He tried not to gag it back up by swallowing handfuls of water with it. That seemed to do the trick. 

He breathed in deeply and his exhale hunched him over into the sink. He inhaled once more to stave off the nausea and lifted himself up just enough to look in the mirror. There didn't appear to be any immediate changes. He never could have guessed how long it would be before the effects took hold, but he supposed there'd be some sort of noticeable instant change. 

He pondered over it some more as he examined himself for any signs of vampirism. He didn't feel anything changing within his body, so he soon came to the conclusion that he would be safe for now. 

Content with himself- well, about as content as he could be in this stressful situation, he breathed once more to prepare himself for his social duties. It was if they had read his mind, for he heard a knock on the door, and Claire's voice with it.

"Are you alright in there?" She inquired 

James swiftly opened the door to meet Claire's worried look. He suddenly let go of the door handle that he clung to, as it felt unusually hot. Much hotter than he ever recalled, but at least it hadn't burned him. 

"Perfectly fine, dear." James tried to keep himself together. 

Claire's quizzical expression revealed that she didn't seem to quite believe him, but they had too much to get on with tonight for her to ensure further. She simply accepted him at his word and held out her elbow for him to grab as she spoke. 

"We're all waiting downstairs. It's time for dinner." She said matter-of-factly.

James slipped his arm around her elbow to lock them together, and they very mechanically made their way to the dining room. James wondered if that door handle could have been made from silver as they left. 

In the dining room, they were greeted by a great deal of Claire's family, as they had lived close enough to attend the dinner rehearsal, and of course Tobias and James' own mother. 

"Well, here they are! The two betrothed!" Claire's mother Ophelia exclaimed triumphantly. 

They both smiled quite awkwardly as everyone stood from their seats and waited for them to take theirs. James could feel that nauseating pressure building up inside of him that he always felt at the prospect of this wedding. He wasn't sure if it was his nerves, or the blood finally taking effect, but he tried not to care about it either way.

He and Claire both shuffled their way to the end of the table, where there were two grand chairs for them to be seated in. They stood there quite awkwardly for a moment, the defending silence of the crowd only growing louder for James, before he realized he was supposed to give his rehearsed speech. 

He could hardly remember the words now. Claire glanced at him nervously, waiting for him to speak. James cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak, but Claire seemed to want to take executive decision, and produced her own speech. 

"We thank you all for coming, on this holy night of love, for we are truly blessed and grateful for the union of these two families." She chanted out quite confidently, more than James would ever be able to muster. 

There were some rather confused glances between the party guests, but they didn't dare interrupt the triumphant and charming Claire. She continued. 

"So let us eat this great wedding feast, to honor this union of love and prosperity." She finished by raising her wine glass into the air, and everyone else followed, before calmly sitting down.

A union of prosperity indeed, James thought to himself, rather irritated. He knew what Claire's family expected of him. He would be the backup in case they ever fell into debt. He would have to pick up the slack should they ever go bankrupt. He was the attempt at saving their wealth, all under the guise of true love since childhood. He couldn't believe all the optimism he once had, all the denial in his heart. To think he only thought he was getting cold feet. This arrangement was indeed systemic. 

Oh how badly he wished he could be in Hunter's arms at this moment. He felt no pressure around him, no expectation of performance. He knew he could be his authentic self around Hunter. But most of all, he just wanted comfort. The comfort he knew he couldn't get the same high from out of Claire. He wished he never left that sweet embrace, had he known this is what he was to come home to. 

He was so focused on his dizzying thoughts that he didn't notice the food being brought out, and plated by the servants. He finally noticed that his mother and childhood friend Tobias were seated to his left, and Claire and her family were seated to his right. As much as he cared for these people, he felt so closed off from them, trapped in a dizzying claustrophobia. It occurred to him suddenly that he truly was not feeling well, and he could tell by the worried expressions around him that it didn't go unnoticed.

"James, are you sure you're feeling alright?" Claire inquired quite softly, a stark contrast to her wild and frantic behavior earlier at the vampire manor. 

She instantly placed her hand on James' shoulder, bracing him in case he fell. 

"I'm certain that I am fine." James blurted rather exhaustedly. He didn't intend for it to sound that way. 

"You look pale, dear." Claire pressed further this time.

"I assure you, I am perfectly okay." James tried to sound convincing, and grabbed Claire's hands in his own to further reassure her.

She could feel how clammy they were. 

"Please, let's just enjoy this dinner." He finally begged, letting go of Claire's hands and trying to sit presentable. 

Claire simply closed up on herself, taking the hint that he did not want her to press him any more. 

The food was just coming around to their end of the table, a plate being served to Tobias, when James suddenly felt a horrible stabbing in his chest. He saw his vision start to go white as he tried to ignore the pain, but it was futile, he suddenly keeled over, clawing at the fabric of his coats and exclaiming in pain. 

He could hear everyone around him start to jump to his aid. That only made him feel worse. His vision completely blurred and he suddenly fell completely out of consciousness, surrounded by nothing but darkness. He couldn't even hear anything anymore. He had no idea what was going on in the outside world.

[faerywhimsy]

OH MAN I have thoughts on this, THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

I'm always very much of the 'Daniel has obsessive compulsive disorder' each time this question comes around. To me it seems like something he learned to deal with by self medicating by the time he first met Louis. Of course, that obviously then led to the further complication of various addictive disorders, if that hadn't already become apparent by 21.

The reason I still find the obsessive compulsive disorder over the addictive-disorder-on-its-own argument so, uhm, compulsive (sorry) is that once Daniel is dead and no longer human, the addiction/self medication that he picked up along the way seems to go away. I mean he can't continue substance abuse as an immortal anyway, and Blood is suddenly something that becomes sexual as opposed to something destructive.

But the themes of OCD remain in his character through to the end and, if anything, seem more heightened from the point where he becomes a vampire. You can see hints of it in QotD in those few actually sections we get from his point of view at and around Lestat's concert. He's not self medicated, he's no longer dying, and he's seriously struggling to take in the world around him as it is now, even if he's euphoric at the very same time.

None of the coping mechanisms Daniel built as a human for an illness like this translate across to being brought into the blood in TVC, so of course he's ripe to fall into an episode immediately after. Which he does. Every new piece of stimulus suddenly available to him as a vampire only makes it worse which, I think, is why Marius takes him somewhere so remote (not just because he is an old vampire wanting privacy).

Finally, when you look into the currently believed causes for OCD these days, ongoing anxiety or stress is there at the top of the list, which Daniel would have had as soon as he was old enough to know that his sexuality was not just a mental illness, but still considered a crime when and where he grew up. That's … ya know, fairly stressful.

Any individual traumatic life events also tend to be a factor when considering causes of OCD but, to be fair, we don't really have much canon knowledge of those before, ahem, Armand.

Hi!

Since you're a expert of Daniel, I'm curious does he have an mental illness? For me, while reading it feels like hints through out the books that he does..If so, what do you think its?

Hello anon! I'm always down to pick Daniels brain!

I think first and foremost the obvious answer here is Daniels substance abuse disorder. He's canonly dying of alcoholism so that's pretty striking. Second most obvious is whatever he has going on after he's turned and through till modern day. I don't subscribe to the new theories that Marius can't be trusted and Daniel was never sick. To me that's pretty ableist to deny that Daniel was obviously very ill, and from QOTD onward, way before trains, though since we're speaking of a madness that seems specific to vampires I'm not sure what I would call it. An obsessive disorder?

I also put forward the idea that Daniels mental state deals a lot with trauma. He's a queer man having grown up in America in the fifties and sixties, where being queer was categorized as a mental illness. He would have been prime age to be one of the last brackets called to serve in Vietnam. The cold war was A Thing, growing up under the threat of annihilation. They're the worst fucking generation but boomers went through some shit man. Then of course there's the trauma of Armand just.....being Armand, being "born to darkness in the midst of a storm-" I would say Daniel very likely has PTSD, perhaps even c-ptsd due to the repeated and ongoing issues.

I see Daniel as often depressed or anxious but not specifically having depression of anxiety, as an aside. To me he has a lot of irl reasons to be depressed/anxious as opposed to clinically so, which doesn't need to have an outside reason. Addiction, and trauma are my armchair diagnosis for Daniel but I'm definately not a doctor. But Daniel also isn't real so we can read into him whatever we want actually!

What do you think?

[kingqueenofinbetween]

I, much like a lot of other queer people I've talked to, have a complicated relationship with queer monsters and queer villains.

Of course the fact that these kinds of characters often imply we aren't human or tie bisexuality to amorality or asexuality to emotionlessness is a huge problem.

And simply making a clean cut and saying:" I want actual human people who are the heroes and who are happy and I want nothing to do with this stuff" is in my opinion a valid response.

But to me and a lot of others there is something appealing about queer monsters.

There's a reason so many queer people love the Disney villains most of who'm are arguably queercoded.

There is something appealing about going fuck it guess I'm the villain now. Because of course the rejection of sociatal norms in favor of doing whatever you want is appealing not only to queer people but just in general. A lot of Villains are fun. Especially the queer coded ones. They're funny , they're dramatic and they don't give a fuck.

Every queer theatre kid I've encountered throughout my years of drama club has had a bit of a thing for villains or at the very least morally grey characters.

And then there's the monsters. Monsters are almost always metaphors for a bunch of stuff that can be read in a lot of different ways.

Be it vampires or fairies or ghosts or aliens or haunted porcelain dolls or ancient forest gods.

There's almost always a queer metaphor if you look hard enough. And I assure you a lot of us are looking.

Monsters are monsters because they are different.

Rejecting humanity in favor of being who you are is appealing especially when those two feel like they can't coexist.

Monsters are gender. Especially to a lot of non binary people.

Monsters are relatable to a lot neurodivergent people

Monsters also often hold within themselves a different metaphor. One for mental illness.

This is were this gets complicated for me.

Because I am all of these things. I'm a queer neurodivergent person with a vast array of mental health issues.

And the thing is...

The Villains loose and monsters aren't human.

Both of these types of characters are often intertwined tightly with tragedy. Especially the metaphors for mental illness.

And if you consume to much of this content you'll start to feel like you are destined to loose too. Like you are fundamentally broken in the same way these characters are framed to be.

It's often more of a subconcious than a concious thing. At least for me it was.

I think the best solution to this particular problem is, except for the obvious: actual human protagonists who are queer and or neurodivergent , is more happy monsters who are maybe even allowed allowed to also be explicitly queer and or neurodivergent.

Both "Hello From the Hallowoods" and "Monstrous Agonies" two relatively new fiction podcasts do the simultaneous metaphor and actual representation really well in my opinion. They both feel like incredibly well thought out deconstructions of the queer monster trope. They both feature a lot of non human characters who are often both metaphorically and textually queer/neurodivergent etc without those two taking away from each other.

You might be asking: why keep the monster at all if the identities they're often a metaphor for are actually represented?

For me the answer to that is: Monsters leave room for interpretation which is good. Explicit representation doesn't and it's not supposed to which is also good.

[haepii]

Limerence | PJS (02)

(n.) the state of being infatuated or obsessed with someone

Pairing: Park Jisung + Reader

Genre: Werewolf!AU, Supernatural!AU, series

Series: Neo Culture Pack Series Masterlist, previous part, next part

Warnings: Violence, Gore, Mentions/Use of Weapons (I.e., swords, daggers, knives), Mentions of Blood, Murder, Animal Death/Murder, Werewolves (if you don't like it, leave), Mentions of bones cracking/breaking, Mentions of witches/witchcraft, mentions of vampires/fae, mentions of werewolves (duh), Jealous/Controlling Behavious (I do not condone these behaviours in real life, but obviously this work is pure fiction and so are the characters in it even if they are based off real people), Mentions of terminal illness (a brief mention and flashbacks, it can be rather confronting and I have experienced the facing of this situation myself. I know how confronting and triggering it is, so please do not put your own mental health at sake for reading this fanfic).

Taglist: N/A (asks open for people who want to be added to the taglist for this series)

WC: 6.8k

Maggie bounded around the room in excitement, almost forgetting about the storm entirely as a bolt of lightening struck and you heard her yelp as the house seemed to shake. Rumbling in an almost malicious manner with thunder. You sighed to yourself, walking over to your dog, Maggie and giving her a rub behind her ears. She hated storms, and you almost felt bad about the tin roof, which made no effort in silencing the storm. "We'll be okay, hm? Nothing like a little power outage we can't handle."

You had just returned from a quick grocery shop on your way home from school, where the cashier suspiciously looked at you the same way Chenle, Jaemin, Jeno, Haechan, Ms. Qian, and Renjun all had. Seemingly, a look of bewilderment and shock, but why?

Placing the plethora of shopping bags on the bench, pulling out the packets of red meat, and raw chicken, alongside some ramen, eggs and a few vegetables to make basic side-dishes. You hadn't paid attention to the way Maggie had wedged herself onto the floor of the kitchen, and in her mind, must have been stealthy in slithering her way closer to the bench, in the hopes you'd give her some meat. When you turned around finally noticing her, after nearly stepping on her, she looked at you as if you'd just committed the biggest betrayal, with her tail tucked between her legs, as you turned on the gas stove, and put the kettle on.

You gave her a smile. "Don't look at me like that, now I know you want chicken or steak. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Maggie let out a disdainful huff, slumping back over to her bed loudly and slowly with dismay. You giggled to yourself, enjoying the company of your best friend for as long as you could remember. She was older than you, yet you still felt as if she was the younger one, despite her practically raising you in some aspects. The pictures on the walls told that same story, her and you young, her as a pup, you as a toddler.

The pictures had obviously been taken by your late grandmother during the long summers you'd stay in this town for. One of the photos had you, Maggie and your grandmother in them, all but six and with a gapped tooth grin, a glass of iced tea in your chubby hands. Your grandmother looked happy in that photo, and healthy too. With a large assortment of produce on the table, that you'd picked from, what back then would have been a thriving herb, fruit and vegetable garden, now overgrown with weeds and pests. The photo was a symbolic reminder of what had become of you well into your adolescence. Lonely. Right next to that photo was a photo of you and Taegwang on the first day of second grade, when your mother had you moved to the town full-time. You had friends, yes, but no one who you truly related to, no one quite like Maggie or your grandmother.

This feeling of loneliness only further deepened when you saw photos of your father’s new family. His second wife, a Swedish bikini model and four young children, who’m never went a day without seeing him. You’d visited him and his side of the family once in almost eight, coming up nine years and part of you wished he fought for custody of you. You always wondered… if he had won, would you be like his younger children as well?

The shrieking of the kettle brought you out of your reverie, immediately taking it off the heat and pouring yourself a mug of a loose-leaf herbal concoction, making your way to the back porch, overlooking the mountain range. Without thought, Maggie followed you, a blanket in her mouth, and nudging your most recent read towards you as you sat against the wooden frame of the back door. Rising from your mug, the steam from your tea was the only source of warmth, as if it had been clockwork, the rain began to bucket down and Maggie spread the knit blanket over your lap, resting her own head there, as she herself watched the rain.

The distant house nestled in the moutains could be seen for miles, their light being the only light you needed to see. It was no secret that the wealthiest people in town lived there, rumours saying they owned the heritage listed land of the mountains' forests or that they were so rich the government payed for the use of their land. Either way, no one knew who they were but everyone knew of them for generations. Your grandmother used to tell you stories about them, stories about wolves and the protectors of the mortals. Though, you'd tossed this up to her dementia nowadays, you thought it was all real back then.

"How'd we get here, huh?" Your voice was pensive as you looked out at the house, wondering if they looked out their windows the same way. Rubbing behind Maggie's ears, you looked down at her, your best friend, as she slowly wagged her tail back and forth on the wooden floorboards. "There are days where I still miss her, you know?"

Maggie caught sight of your tears, immediately sitting up and stepping over you to lick them away, causing you to giggle, as you swatted her away, laughter bubbling in your chest as she playfully nipped at you. "You really do want that chicken, huh?"

Her ears had perked, and it was obvious that you had peaked her interest. You gave her a smile. "Well, I did get you a stake, but I'll have to cook it a bit and we can have dinner together, hm?"

Maggie bounded around the room in excitement, almost forgetting about the storm entirely as a bolt of lightening struck and you heard her yelp as the house seemed to shake. You made a mental note to close the windows.

The following morning had come sooner than you had hoped, and the storm had ripped through town as quickly as it had arrived leaving the thick smell of rain lingering in the air. Dread had filled you at the thought of enduring another science class, knowing Ms. Qian would set a project as independent group learning for the course of three weeks, and you were not exactly overly excited about your partner, Jisung.

From what you could tell, he was a nice guy, but you'd never seen him around town or outside of school functions, despite him being praised as one of the top math students in the country and one of the best dancers in the state. You still couldn't seem to shake the awkwardness from yesterday's all too long science class, and how you would have to endure it during a three-week-long project as well. Despite only counting for 15% of your semesterly grade, you still felt unhappy about the outcome of this lab partner business.

Pulling you from your dread-filled reverie, a knock sounded sounded at the door. Trudging over and pulling it open, you felt uncannily angry at who stood before you. "Ryujin? What are you doing here?"

"Not welcome, am I?"

"No! Not at 6 in the morning."

"You know how my mom feels about you being here on your own, especially when there's storms." Ryujin smiled a little too sweetly for comfort, making you suspicious of her ulterior motives behind her very early morning visit. "Besides, you know this town. If anyone broke in we'd all be lucky to find your body by Christmas."

"Well, isn't that a bit morbid?"

"Yes." She smiled once again, in her near perfect school uniform (a first for her) and bright red lip tint. To your surprise, her earrings were rather toned down today. "Oh, and don't think I just came here for my mother. No, no, no... I have my own ulterior motives."

"You sound like a Disney villain right now I'm so scared." You sarcastically giggled at her.

"Aren't you just the tiniest bit curious though?"

"What might these ulterior motives be?"

"Camping! You, me, Chaerin, Taegwang this weekend in the mountains. It'll be so fun and give us all a much needed break from this chaotic town." Triumphantly smiling as if this was the most ground-breaking proposal she could've possibly made she smiled.

"I know you're only desperate to go camping because Areum returns from college for three weeks this weekend, and you're desperate not to meet her boyfriend." You said, knowing full well that Ryujin's mother had invited you to the family dinner where you'd be meeting Areum's boyfriend for the first time. Rather, you'd think camping would be more fun for both Ryujin and yourself, many would argue, your friendship as well. Ryujin's mother loved you, and many would say the woman loved you more than her own daughters.

"Fiancé actually, and you're not wrong on that either but... Come on, has your feminism just evaporated, has it?" Ryujin was desperate to not attend that family dinner, but knowing the woman who loved you oh-so-much, that dinner would happen and it was bound to happen eventually. "Also! I do need a break from the chaos."

You found Ryujin's argument on the chaos of the sleepy town in which you lived to be laughable. The only thing you could think of that was chaotic in the last fifty years in this town was the disappearance of a family of six–soon to be seven–in the mountains while on a camping trip not the previous summer, but the one before that. The family was assumed dead, and mauled by rabid wolves or bears despite no bodies ever being found, only the remains of the tattered camping site. Part of you had always fantasised about one of the daughters coming out of the woods of the mountains and onto your property either distraught, rabid, or savage after being raised by wolves for two years. Part of you still clung onto the hope that they were alive, but when you walked passed the second eldest girl's locker–a girl who was meant to be in your year–covered in flowers, photos, teddy bears and letters of condolences, you knew your hope was futile.

"Totally. We'll definitely need manly man Taegwang's boy scout skills while camping in the mountains." You smiled with a roll of your eyes. You had no choice. "Well, I'll only go if Taegwang is going. We wouldn't last 10 minutes in the mountains let alone an entire weekend."

"Hey! I'm all muscle, I can fight off the bears all by myself."

"Sure."

"Okay fine, Taegwang is coming." She assured you with an overly enthusiastic nod.

"Has he agreed to that?"

"Not yet."

Of course he hasn't, you thought to yourself with a small laugh, looping your arm in her's and walking down to the garage where your bikes were parked to ride to school extra early. You were ready to start the day and for a few moments, the dread seemed to leave your body as you laughed and rode down the dirt streets with Ryujin.

“(Y/N)! Hey, I’m glad I caught you! The freshmen dance troupe has asked to be the performance piece for next week’s assembly and the cheerleaders wanted to perform in honour of the upcoming pep rally next Friday. They’ve both come to me about it, and I was wondering what you were thinking?” Renjun jogged up beside you as you walked down the halls to biology, uncharacteristically alone. Staring blankly at him for a moment, you only nodded before pausing in your steps, the sea of students parting like the Red Sea and walking around the two of you.

“Cheerleaders are sophomores and seniors, we haven’t gotten to see if the freshmen are prepared to dance on assembly. They’ll be performing at the pep rally as well, so the following assembly from the pep rally should be their performance. Cheerleaders for next week.” You said with no room for argument from Renjun, who was already thinking the same thing.

“Sounds perfect, thanks (Y/N)!” Renjun, like always chose to be the bearer of bad news for the freshmen as they'd respect him more than they'd respect you. Considering half the girls in the school saw Renjun as the shy, academic, artsy, soft-boy who probably listed to indie music or Taylor Swift and read classic literature. It was no surprise he made almost every girl with any standards in this town swoon. He also wasn't the worst looking either, you'd definitely been approached by worse, and he was conventionally handsome enough with the right balance of intelligence to attract any girl he wanted. Yet, you always noticed how he seemed to glance at the missing girl's locker whenever he passed the halls.

The girl had gone missing with her family two years prior, camping, allegedly mauled by a pack of wolves. She was on the cheerleading team, the captain or HBIC to be exact. She was popular, athletic, funny, smart and everything every other girl wanted to be. She had this glow about her, you distinctly remember how she showed you around first day of freshman year because she was in your form class and you were the only newbie in that form. To be near her, was to love her. Whenever she waltzed into a room, all attention went to her, like she was the sun and everyone else just orbited her. It always made you wonder, had there been something more between them? If you recalled correctly she was friendly with everyone, even the 'untouchables', Renjun's friend group, including the five other most popular boys in school.

Passing said locker, you glanced at it too, Renjun had almost completely slowed to a stop. Today was the anniversary of that dreaded assembly at the start of last year. It was an emergency assembly called upon the news of the recovery of the campsite. It was her Memorial Day. Unsurprisingly, the cheer girls who'm were her friends had placed lit candles and flowers at her locker, more photos and teddy bears littered the floor. Unlike the others, Renjun didn't seem sad, he seemed neutral... as if he was unable to accept or process the grief the others felt like he couldn't accept she was truly gone. Then again, you hardly knew what their friendship entailed and you knew for certain... the bodies of the family of five–soon to be six–had not been discovered in two years.

"I'll see you around, Renjun." You sighed heavily, seeing the cheer girls looking at you with saddened expressions. In a way, you replaced her for the school. The new golden girl to show off, but you felt as if you hardly filled her shoes. Renjun only gave you a short nod, as you walked into your biology class, just a few metres down the hallway from the dreaded locker.

Uncharacteristically your tardiness was noted by Ms. Qian, but she knew better than to say anything. After all, she too knew what today meant for the student body, all too well. "Good morning, (Y/N), please find your seat."

Continuing on with her lecture about the upcoming group project, being assigned today. It was clear she had forced herself to pay no mind to the sobbing cheerleaders outside. However, you knew girls like them were just acting for the sake of making themselves look better. If she strolled into the gates of the school today, they wouldn't know what to do with themselves because they'd no longer be the HBICs.

"This group research project will account for 15% of your semester grade, and will be what determines your status in this class for senior study next semester." Some annoyed sighs could be heard, some groans even, Ryujin being one of the girls to groan annoyedly as she'd been paired with Chenle. She knew full well she wouldn't be a lawyer like Areum or a doctor like her estranged older brother who moved to Hong Kong for some billion-dollar hotel chain heiress. This group project, for Ryujin would define whether or not she'd be valedictorian or a disappointment for her mother.

Ms. Qian walked around the room, handing out the task sheets, for the project consuming the next two weeks of your afternoons and classes. Jisung was the first to speak up about working arrangements as you hadn't finished reading the task.

"I was thinking we could go to Benny's Beans Cafe after school today to begin working on the project?" His voice was deeper than you'd been expecting and his sudden confidence made you smile slightly. He was serious about this project. He had almost proven he wasn't a slacker. Almost.

"Sounds like a plan, Jisung." You smiled as the bell interrupted what you were going to say next, but instead of rushing away, he paused and looked up at you, his mouth agape. He didn't think hearing you say his name would make him feel this way, make him feel important and alive. "We should meet outside the east entrance, and cross over to Benny's."

"Yeah, sure." Jisung nodded with a small smile on his lips as he continued to pack his bag, and rush off with Chenle to his next class. You could've sworn his cheeks were tinted pink, but before you could ponder the thought any longer.

"Earth-to-Head-Girl! We've got English Lit and I'm not gonna drag myself there kicking and screaming!" Snapping her manicured fingers in front of your face aggressively she smiled sweetly and held out her wrist to you, in almost a joking manner. It was a continuous gag that you couldn't face English lit alone, having to drag Ryujin with you, as if you were dragging her down the rabbit hole alongside you.

On a day that was normal you'd day; "If I'm going, you're coming with me."

To Ryujin, it was constant torture, but if you could sit through Mr. Kim drawling on and on about Shakespeare for fifty minutes, then so could she.

The rest of the day blurred by, hardly giving you a chance to have a breather, as you walked out of modern history with Ryujin and Taegwang, you had a slight headache. If you were being honest, you wanted so bad to cancel on the project research with Jisung, by the sounds of it, Taegwang wanted you to cancel aa well. "Come on, (Y/N), are you sure you can't come to get boba with us? I'll give you a ride home?"

"I really can't, Taegwang. I promised Jisung we'd work on our bio project this afternoon. Maybe Friday?" At the mention of Jisung, Taegwang frowned deeply.

"Can't, remember, big dinner, Areum and her fiancé. Don't make me face that alone, (Y/N). You'll also be staying over all weekend." Ryujin butted in with a smile, knowing full well the first three days of Areum's visits were the toughest with comparisons. It was only fair you were there for her.

"Okay! Fine. Sunday?" You asked as if you didn't know your own schedule, Ryujin seemed to know your life better than you at this rate.

"We're going hiking Sunday." Ryujin insisted. Then she proceeded to exclaim more, as if she was meant to tell you this crucial detail of your weekend ahead of time. "Oh! and your mom told mine that she'll be coming home Sunday and wants to fly you to Seoul and back on the jet Sunday afternoon for a dinner with her and her new boyfriend."

"Ah... Distant mothers, how they don't even communicate directly to you." You sighed sarcastically, but Ryujin didn't miss the pain in your eyes.

"Sorry, you three, looks like I'm all booked out. We can go tomorrow, Taegwang, I promise." You said with a small smile, as Chaerin glared promises of death over at the lanky boy, who seemed to steal you away from her that afternoon.

"Alright, tomorrow, and no cancelling on us." Chaerin smiled, but her voice sounded stern, with something sinister lingering behind it. It was almost as if she had ulterior motives. It was almost as if the Disney-princess-esque girl you knew and loved was nowhere insight.

"Bye, (Y/N), Ryujin!" Then, just like that, her voice returned to it's normal sweetness and her eyes were bright and innocent. She seemed to be the perfect image of a popular girl as she hugged both you and Ryujin kissing each of your cheeks in the process, like that weird French greeting your mother liked to do when she pretended to be happy to see you.

"Later." You and Ryujin both said dazed by the sudden change in Chaerin.

"I should probably get going." You said with a small smile. Ryujin agreed, the sinking feeling still in her stomach at the way Chaerin was acting. "Yeah, me too. Riding in tomorrow?"

"If it's raining I'll text Taegwang to pick us up." You answered softly, nodding slightly. Still dazed and confused, Ryujin nodded but soon snapped back into herself to make a snarky remark and wiggle her eyebrows at you. "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, have fun with your new boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend, and it's just a biology project."

"Yeah, yeah... totally just a bio project." Ryujin giggled before waving off and walking towards her parked bike, leaving you standing in the hallway, only five metres away from Jisung.

The young werewolf didn't show it, but he heard everything and looked away from your group to hide the disdain on his face for your friends. He didn't mind Ryujin... in fact, he'd heard quite highly of her from his adoptive soon-to-be sister-in-law, but your other friends... He knew who, or rather what they were. The thought of them being so close to you, his mate, terrified him to his core. Ebbing at him as if it was his fault for not interfering, but he couldn't. He couldn't, because of his fear of losing you. He'd rather see you happy in their proximity than unhappy with him. If only you knew what they truly were.

A few moments had passed, while he watched you glancing around, trying to find him in the throng of students with an unreadable expression. For once, he couldn't read you like he could with the others. He couldn't tell if you dreaded the study date, or if... you, by some constellations aligning, looked forward to it. Either way, he stepped forwards with a small wave and a smile.

"Hey, I was waiting for you. Ready to go?" He internally cringed at his words, sounding desperate and clingy. He was determined to not make you run for the hills, and the fact you hadn't was astonishing. He'd thought Renjun would've scared you off before you even spoke a word to him. Thinking of his brother's proclivity to overthink the supernatural, while being a werewolf himself, had brought amusement to Jisung.

"Yeah! Now that I think of it, I really need a coffee after Mr. Kim's history class." You nodded enthusiastically despite the large yawn that happened to wash over you as you spoke, having to pause mid-sentence to stretch out and yawn. Not because you were bored of Jisung, but because history class had drained you entirely. Learning about racism and slavery was heavy stuff, and no wonder it made you tired, often ruining your day and crushing what little faith you had left in humanity.

Jisung let out a chuckle, and for the first time, you saw the lanky shy boy's smile. It was a soft smile, but you could still see the amusement in his eyes. The way his lips curled at the times or the soft shake of his head as he chuckled. It made your cheeks tint pink slightly, wondering if he'd caught you staring. You'd never looked at him like that, taken notice of such things about him like that, or anyone for that matter. Sure, you'd looked at your friends like that, seeing the way they smile, and knowing when they were genuinely happy, but you'd never felt the flutter of feelings bubble up inside you the way they did with Jisung. It was a new feeling, captivating and exciting, like lightning in a bottle. It was addictive.

However, that flutter of feelings was distracted by the rain bucketing down, causing a throng of students to stand at the crowded front steps. You could see Taegwang running to his car, and braving the rain, as Ryujin and Chaerin waiting in the rain, Ryujin holding onto her bike. You noticed this happening with others as well, the football team dividing up the cheerleaders into their cars, and the others all asking for rides. You sighed. "I have an umbrella in my locker, I'll be right back."

He nodded, and watched as you walked towards your locker, and got out your umbrella, taking the opportunity to dump anything you didn't need. With a small smile, and a lighter bag, you walked over to Jisung, making sure your bike was parked undercover. You smiled. "Read to go?"

He nodded, as you walked down the steps, He heard a loud honk at you as Chaerin rolled the window down with a worrisome look on her face. "Hey, (Y/N)! You need a ride?"

"I'm all good! I have to work on my bio project with Jisung."

With a seemingly nice smile, Chaerin nodded and rolled up the window, forcing Taegwang to drive along slowly, as if hesitating to drive on home without you. However, Ryujin wiggled her eyebrows at you with a mischievous smile as if to say 'go get your man' without screaming it out at you, forcing your face to go bright red with embarrassment. The pair of you stood at the edge of the steps, you putting up the umbrella having to hold it higher for Jisung.

Despite being determined to hold it higher for him, he took it from you, brushing your hand in the process and walking closely to you with the umbrella over your heads. You felt as if fireworks were exploding on your skin, for a long while after his hand brushed yours, and as you walked shoulders touching, the same sparks never left, leaving you dazed and confused.

You only noticed you were in the coffee shop when you felt the rush of warm air hit you as you walked in, and the bell chiming overhead as you smelt the distinctive smell of espresso. Jisung put your umbrella into the umbrella holder and gave a smile to Jaemin, the barista who was in his senior year and captain of the basketball team. Jaemin's eyes nearly popped out of his skull when he saw you with Jisung, his jaw nearly on the floor that he was close to messing up a coffee order, until he spilt hot milk on his hand and distracted himself from the two of you.

"I'll go order, do you want to share a piece of coffee log with me?" You asked with a small smile, Jisung nodded softly as you went to continue up to the counter. Ordering yourself a matcha latte on almond milk with lavender syrup and a piece of coffee log. You looked over to Jisung who had already gotten his laptop out, then back to Jaemin. "Uh.. I'll be back, I just have to ask if Jisung wants a coffee."

You gave the captain of the basketball team a smile, he could only nod in return, his jaw dropping into an astonished grin as he had to turn away from the scene before him to compose himself. Having to hold in gleeful screams as you walked up to Jisung. "Sorry! I forgot to ask if you wanted a drink."

"Just a matcha latte, please." He smile awkwardly, almost in awe that you'd buy him anything, as you walked back to the counter, spitefully using your mother's card to pay for the drinks and food. Jaemin already knew Jisung would've wanted a matcha latte, the lanky boy consuming it by the bucketloads at their home.

"I'm back, he said he wanted a Matcha Latte."

"All good, I'll bring that one out for you." Jaemin smirked, watching as Jisung's eyes flickered to him, internally, the younger cursed the elder out through the pack link.

"Don't you dare. Don't be embarrassing. I will maim you."

Jaemin, however, had a–for lack of a better term–'shit-eating' grin plastered boldly on his face, knowing the younger had not the strength nor the experience to 'maim' him. It was at this point, Jisung had begun to feel he had made a mistake in letting you suggest this coffee shop on the day Jaemin so happened to be working. Nevertheless, when you saw down on the leather armchair next to him, in the relatively quiet corner of the cafe, next to an antique gramophone and a deer head mounted on the wall did his worries seem to dissipate. It didn't matter if Jaemin listened in on your conversations, they wouldn't be interesting to him anyways. You were just working on your bio project with him. This wasn't a friendly get together. This was a date, a purely academic-based study date. Nothing more, nothing less.

This is exactly what Jisung had been telling himself the whole afternoon leading up to this, worried about this study date, stressing that he'd say something stupid, or knowing he physically couldn't get any work done when you were there.

From the second you'd sat down, you'd rambled excitedly about the project, making eye contact with him. You meant business, but he was too lost in your eyes to even think, as he watched you highlighting different points of the task sheet, analysing you. The way your eyebrows would furrow slightly when you concentrated or the way you'd read him out all your research questions for the different aspects of the report on reptile anatomy. He'd watched the way your lips curled slightly when you mentioned a topic you'd been interested in, or the way you smiled when he just nodded.

"So I was thinking we start by dividing the work today, and on Friday in class, we go over what we've done this far, peer review and put it all in a report together. Does that sound okay for you?"

When you'd finally paused to let him get a word in, he'd realised you'd asked him a question. He rubbed the back of his neck with a small smile. "Yeah! Yeah, sounds great."

By this point, you frowned slightly, and he couldn't tell if he'd upset you or angered you. Either way, that wasn't for him to tell as you were confused by his eagerness to agree so easily, or him just letting you ramble on about the work and research topics. Did he actually care about the report? You thought to yourself, feeling confused. Looking up at him through your eyelashes as Jaemin placed your drinks and coffee log on the table before you. You were quick in taking a long sip of your matcha latte, tasting the lavender syrup almost eased your thoughts enough to ask him. "Too easy, do you want to get first pick of your research topic?"

"No... no, ladies first." He gave you a small smile, going through your task sheet, you circled all the ones you wanted to research leaving a mixture of the boring and interesting ones to Jisung, sharing the burden on the sluggish topics. You were nice, but you weren't a push-over.

To him, you were like the sun peaking through the clouds on a rainy day, the sun rays shining, almost blinding against the harsh grey clouds. The way you smiled and laughed with Ryujin could make him light up like New York City at night. They way your eyebrows would crease and lips pout slightly as you read, your eyes scrolling over the words intently made him happy. You... just you, nothing fancy made him happy, like a shot of espresso, like a ray of sunshine To him, you were perfect, and it hadn't even been three days. He'd now realised the feelings of his brothers, why Areum was everything to Taeyong, why Chaeyoung was everything to Kun... why Naeun was everything to Taeil. To him, you were perfect, and he just couldn't put into words what this pull was doing to him.

Two hours of reading, researching, and (mostly on Jisung's end) stolen glances over the tops of laptops had ensued, by the end of which, the two of you were laughing and sharing the coffee log. At one point you'd gotten some left on your upper lip, and Jisung, who'd been not-so-subtly staring had pointed it out, having to tell you when you'd managed to lick it away with a small smile.

Something you'd noticed about Jisung, was the way his eyes flickered to you like magnets or as if it was a reflex. Simply, he just couldn't take his eyes off of you, like you were lightning in a bottle, like you were... simply just there. At one point, you'd glanced up at him to find him staring at you with eyes that glowed golden. The sight so unorthodox... so surreal, that it was engrained into your memory, the thought unable to leave you alone; was he even human?

By the time you'd walked out of the cafe, the sun was beginning to set. With a sigh, you spoke up. "I still need to get my bike, but this was nice. I enjoyed working on the project with you. I was very productive, and you were very funny."

"Hey, you had your moments... I'll walk you home, it getting dark and this town can get pretty dangerous." He said in all seriousness, feeling something off in the air. Hearing his patrolling brothers' warnings for the night. There was more activity from the dominyen clan than usual. This wouldn't be a problem, if it weren't for the...

"If it gets dangerous shouldn't you be getting home as soon as possible?" You raised an eyebrow at him, despite this, his joking demeanour had faltered, leaving him looking rather serious as he spoke, knowing full well you wouldn't believe him otherwise. "No... no, I think I'll be fine."

"You can walk me to get my bike, I can ride home fast." You spoke, as if that was your final offer and you were flirtatiously and jokingly negotiating with him.

"Maybe I'm walking you home for my own selfish reasons. Ulterior motives." He returned your banter with a playful smile that made your heart flutter and cheeks turn pink involuntarily.

"Ulterior motives... uh-oh. like what... should I be scared?" Giggling, for the first time in years, you smiled up at him, as you walked at a leisurely pace across the school's parking lot, the afterglow of rain now dissipated, leaving the roads covered in puddles, and windows in raindrops.

"No, I don't want you to be scared... and very selfish movies, like I don't want this to end, even if we were just studying." His voice holds all ounce of seriousness, as if once this project is handed in, you'd go back to not even glancing at each other in the hallways, or not even speaking to him unless neccessary. He could never go back to that with you, he'd already been in too deep with you, with this pull. He couldn't, physically and mentally, go back to before. His heart... his wolf simply, physically could not take it.

He was certain from this moment, it wasn't gravity holding him to the earth anymore, grounding him, keeping him sane... it was you.

You were at a loss for words, looking up at him your mouth agape as blush covered your cheeks. No guys ever spoke to you like this, or come after you like this. Perhaps Ryujin, but you always felt you were 'this chick's friend' when you were dragged on dates by Ryujin under the pretence 'he has a friend who you'd be into'. You were never special like Ryujin, who had this instantly attractive confidence, style and air about her that just made her capture the attention of all the guys in the room. You... were just there, she really shone. This is why you were the golden girl, the brightest academic star, leaving her and Chaerin to be the brightest, most prettiest girls in the room. Unlike Chaerin and Ryujin, you never had to fight for the intellectual attention. You didn't have to shout to be heard, people listened because they knew you were smart, you were the automatic student tutor for a reason. But, by Jisung... you felt, not just heard, but seen.

"Then it doesn't have to end." You looked up at him, walking over to him with your bike next to you. With all the confidence you could muster, you spoke with a small smile. "After all... it's getting dark, and I'm gonna need someone to walk me home."

He let out a bit of a laugh, walking on the other side of your bike as you walked home, down the middle of the quiet road. You spoke about a lot of things, flirting, laughing, smiling. Simply, you just wanted to look at him longer, his features lured you in like a moth to flame, having you stealing glances up at him as he spoke. The walk was slow, and by the time you'd made it home, a cool breeze began to blow, leaving you shivering as you walked in the direction of the wind. You stopped at the front steps of your house, propping your bike under the car port, and standing on the porch in front of him.

"I guess this is where I leave you. I'll see you tomorrow." He gave you a small smile, as he began to take slow steps backwards from the front door.

"Thanks for walking me home. I had fun, and I think we should do this again sometime." You said as you unlocked your front door, turning on your porch light. You felt the cool air around you sand looked at the scarves hooked on the wall.

"Wait! Before you go..." Without thinking, you grabbed one of the oversized scarves your grandmother knitted you, a mixture of pink shades with different textures too, and thick tassels. You handed it to him with a small smile. "It's just cooled down a bit, and I'd feel guilty if it started raining and you didn't have anything to keep warm."

You smile at him, as he took the scarf only to ease your conscious, not because he needed it. However, he himself was shocked by the gesture, never having anyone do anything like that for him before. Never having anyone care like this, about him and his wellbeing. It made him blush slightly. A bonus was that your natural scent, and the smell of the rich coffee-vanilla perfume you wore in the fall and winter months lingered on it still. Part of him wanted to take it for his own selfish reasons, like the budding addiction to your scent which now surrounds him as he puts the scarf hanging over his neck.

"Now. You should head home before your family worries about you. I'll see you tomorrow." You smiled softly closing the door, and leaning against it with a wide smile on your lips, as your cheeks flushed pink you turned to Maggie, who sat behind the couch, facing you. "I can't believe I just did that, Maggie... who am I these days?"

Across the street, hidden in the blindspots of the streetlights, from the passenger seat of Taegwang's car, Chaerin asked. "Babe, how can you be so sure she's his mate? Trust me, I watched him like a hawk when we tried to guilt trip her into bailing on their study date... he didn't even look like he was listening."

"I've seen the way his friends now act around her and he's got her scarf." Taegwang pointed out as he watched Jisung walking away from your house across the street, your scarf still draped around his neck and his cheeks bright red with happiness.

Chaerin let out a laugh, as she looked at her own mate with a tad bit of jealousy. "You're a creep, you know? Sometimes I think she's your erasthai and not me."

"Hey! Don't mind me, I just like to protect my friends, you know how they get when..." The pair's joking demeanour faded into all seriousness as they looked at each other with concerned faces. They had both seen it first hand, and did not want to see it again, either way, Chaerin was determined to brush this off.

"Oh! Don't you dare start with this again." She sighed with a clear annoyance behind her tone. She knew it was serious, but none of the real signs began to show yet, at least from your end. "You know how (Y/N) is... it's getting cold tonight and they were walking home late, she probably felt bad and just gave him the scarf."

"He wouldn't have taken it if she wasn't his mate. He doesn't even need it." He tried to reason with her, as she claimed over from the passenger seat, straddling her lover.

He looked up2 at her worriedly, as if she didn't care for the safety of her best friend. "I just think we should keep our guard up."

"We shouldn't even think of making any moves, remember the treaty is still valid." He understood where she was coming from. Taeyong doesn't want to risk danger to his pack, especially with the expecting of young werewolves and having a younger pack than most others. Their pack, in relative terms, held a lot of diplomatic power than combat power. The treaty was to protect them, to protect Areum, their Luna.

"Not if he marks her."

Leaning closer and closer, she pulled him into an addictive kiss, that was deepened as she pressed herself impossibly closer to him, pulling away for air she smiled.

"I think you're delusional."

©️ @haepii 2022

[simonsnowichooseyou]

This excellent essay was posted by @goodbyedandelion and reposted on Instagram—however their account sadly seems gone now. But it is in rememberence of their Tumblr spirit that I post a continuation to their essay!

EVEN MORE Reasons Why Carry On is so groundbreaking as a YA Fantasy/Romance

Misconceptions/Character Complexity

A large topic in YA Contemporary is gossip, but I feel like fantasy doesn’t touch on this as much. Think of how others perceive one another in Carry On. Early on we learn that Simon, for example, saw Penny as different because of her race. But of course, we quickly know this isn’t true.

But what about Agatha? In Harry Potter, for example, Lavender Brown and other feminine characters are often looked down upon because of their femininity. We often as a culture perceive beauty as overcompensation for what’s inside. Sometimes Agatha is looked at in the same light in Carry On, but when we see things from her POV, we realize that Agatha is perhaps the smartest one there. Maybe she’s not Penny Bunce-smart, but she has the survival instincts that Penny lacks.

Agatha isn’t the only one. Baz looks cold and unfeeling from others’ POVs, but we quickly learn that he is a boy with a soft heart that’s been hardened by his past. Everyone thinks he cares about nothing but we know he cares about his mother and how she’d feel about him; his father and step-mother and siblings; Simon, of course; Bunce, in his own way; he even cares about flowered suits and dramatic entrances! We think Bunce is nerdy and perhaps annoying, but we learn she’s very sweet and like a mother to Simon. And the mage. Ugh, the mage. We think he cares about Simon but we learn that for every bit he cares about Simon, he cares about the war more.

Rowell doesn’t allow any character to be simple, stereotypical, or as they appear. My sister, for example, was saying that Baz sounded like a stereotypical gay man in the media. But he’s not, is he? He might love fashion but Rowell does not make him simple or stereotypical. Everyone is so complex, and she uses the multi-POV to not just show us their complexity but also the complexity of how they are viewed by others.

Woman on Woman Drama/Anger

For years and years, only one woman was allowed to have a true seat at the table in films. Take Indiana Jones, the original Avengers, and Star Wars for example. This woman was often made to be the sex appeal or romantic interest, but I’ll save that for another day. Because of there only being one spot, it set a precedent that women in media needed to fight with each other to take that spot, thus depriving us of women getting along!

At first, I was worried Rowell had fallen into this trap. Bunce thinks Agatha is simple and too feminine, Agatha thinks Bunce is a major pain in the ass. Their dislike for one another is complicated in that they’re essentially two different types of feminism battling it out, and half of their fight was about Simon and their roles in his life.

But in the end, Penny and Agatha create a relationship that exists outside of their relationship with Simon. Penny sees Agatha’s strength and resilience; Agatha recognizes Penny’s harsh exterior for what is is. When Agatha moves away, they text without his even knowing. Penny is the one that decides they need to check on and save her. In the end, penny and Agatha fight alongside one another.

Rowell didn’t just give us a feminine friendship—she showed us what we’ve been doing, and how to get from Point A to point B. I think it’s the most underrated part of the series.

True Friendship

It might sound bad, but I truly believe a lot of today’s media ruins the idea of friendship. I just feel like none of the portrayals are realistic. Friends are either joined at the hip and have never fought (toxic) or never get along (also toxic). The fact that Baz and Penny and Simon and Penny and Agatha and Penny can get into fights but still continue to love one another platonically is really heartwarming to me.

Trauma/Mental Illness

I remember getting to the end of Harry Potter and thinking “he went through all of that and we’re just supposed to leave him now?” We see some remnants in the most cursed play ever: The Cursed Child. But more than trauma we see someone who looks back on the days they risked their life everyday with *longing.* While that’s about the most Harry Potter thing Harry Potter has ever done (and the most canonical part of that play) it’s so unrealistic. You’re telling me Harry grew up with nothing and was an amazing father—minus a few spats with his son. You’re telling me Harry was able to hold it together emotionally after fighting for his life from ages 11-18 without a therapists help? You’re telling me Harry lost two father figures in the ministry of magic AND spent 7 years going through what amounted to a lesson titled “the government is corrupt” just to be a part of that government!?

Wayward son isn’t like that. Wayward Son shows us what happened to Simon afterwards, and it’s not peaches and cream. He had therapy, he quit therapy. A lot of us have been Simon on that couch, and we all needed the Baz in our life to drag us across a metaphorical America. Wayward Son is hands-down my favorite book. Realistic depictions of mental illness, check. Subverting our expectations of after the end, check. Reading it feels like taking a road trip, check.

As OP mentioned, Simon is a beloved chosen one because he’s just so wrong for the role. He’s not levelheaded where he should be, he’s bold in all the wrong places, he couldn’t possibly maintain a professional relationship with the coven. Meanwhile his super-hot enemy Baz was the absolute perfect choice to be chosen, but he was completely passed over. And part of this chalks up to how Simon became so powerful—fate isn’t twisting its whims this way and that. Simon is only chosen because he was a Petri dish experiment-gone-wrong baby. When Simon asks the fates why, really he should be asking the mage. There’s something delightful about the fact that Simon was made. The chosen one was made, and in the same process, so was the greatest threat.

De-escalation

I think it’s clear by now that Carry On is a great book, Simon Snow is an amazing series, and Rainbow Rowell sure can write. But I feel the need to point out that the end of Carry On wasn’t well-received by everyone. I recommend the series to everyone I know and some people are really disappointed you don’t get a big magical battle at the end. Some people think Simon filling in the humdrum was a cop out. But I disagree. I felt it was thrilling to witness a book where war was as stupid in fantasy land as it can be in real life. This is the first fantasy I’ve ever read where they find a better way to handle conflict than senseless fighting. It’s emotionally rewarding, to me, to see de-escalation. To see conflicts fixed before they start to be huge problems. It was a risky choice for an end, you have to admit. But Rowell pulls it off amazingly.

Nothing is Wrapped in a Bow

A day will never go by without me thinking about the fact that Simon Snow Salisbury doesn’t know who his parents are. Or how Baz will never know what exactly happened with his mother—whether she really ended herself to avoid vampirism and whether she would’ve done it to her too. We’ll never even quite understand the mage’s plan behind fix the humdrum and get an all powerful boy wizard on his side. Rowell doesn’t wrap everything up. She gives you closure as often as she gives you something to ponder. The ending of Harry Potter was so controversial, I think, because it spelled out so clearly much of what was happening. And what you didn’t learn in that epilogue, Rowling released later through Pottermore and interviews. That’s fine and dandy—but there’s something to be said for ending Simon Snow’s books with questions. Not infuriating questions but rather things that I’ll always ponder—that will shed new light on different situations depending on how I look at them. Rowell sets a precedent that you can fill in Simon’s world with your imagination while also reminding us that life doesn’t have endings. Not really, the way books to. Rowell is one of the few writers of today’s fantasy, I’d argue, who’s okay letting things go unanswered. There’s always a thread of fantasy and magic going. It’s something that will keep Simon alive in my heart for many, many years to come.

So yeah, that’s what I think about when I think about Simon Snow. It’s not nearly as coherent as the original post but I hope you enjoy it.

[lordkingsmith]

Ah-I have been tagged twice it seems. I’ll do two, then lol.

For Augment’s tag I’ll do Waylon “Hutch” Hutcher from the follow up to an odd dream and something I am hesitantly planning on working on. For skyland’s I’ll do Alphie Oliver, as Skye loved Alphie’s first version Ethan and I think it’d be fun 😁😁

Waylon “Hutch” Hutcher:

Would y’all stop accusing me of wanting to civilize him? I’m an electrician not a Christian

Ma’am the only gods to worry about are the opinions of the dead or disappeared

I understand pyromania is a mental illness. I understand I should not enable my brother’s mania. However, counterpoint; it’s funny when the Autumn King’s afraid of him-and I get to toast marshmallows

Jiminy Christmas Toast why am I the one having to fight the prince?

…you know…your dad using the name you secretly gave yourself is one hell of a way to find out I talk in my sleep. And I am sorry about it.

Every time I go to that manor all I wanna do is fit it with electricity. I realize that’s not the point going but maybe once this is done I’ll do it to the abandoned version in the human world

I’m not petty I’m pragmatic. Luckily for me sometimes they cross over

It’s funny. Read Watership Down as a kid and became afraid of rabbits. Now come to find out I am a rabbit. If one of us gains the ability to prophesi just do me a favor and shoot me. It’s better than the alternatives

Listen I’ve learned a lot about myself in that haunted murder forest and no I don’t want to examine any of it

-singing to himself- soup soup soup I love soup it’s so good, leek and potato and bacon soup give me soup-

I do not want to be swallowed by a bog! First it’s fine but then you realize you’re cold and wet and there’s crawly things in your ears. You can’t move, can’t breathe, and you learn the difference between peace and acceptance. Yes the prince had to fish me out of the bog. No I don’t want to talk about it

Ma hasn’t smiled since the day she had to identify dad in the morgue. If getting her long lost brother back makes her smile again fuck it. I’m going to do it.

…is it ethical to threaten your supernatural grandma with a gun? I’m asking for a friend

Prince, no offense, but all things considered no I don’t want to eat your rabbit jerky. I’m sure it’s fantastic but I feel you can see the conflict here.

My aunt sent my sister through two trees…I support women’s rights and wrongs yada yada, I’m glad every woman in my family is a badass powerhouse yada yada- now I need to check Maev didn’t break Maeve’s back-fuck me with a cactus this is confusing

Alphie Oliver

Alright team, let’s save Christmas!

…please don’t break into the high school to get Olympius’ son

Wow! I don’t care!

…this is what we call an inside thought. As in, keep that thought inside your head. Please never ever say that to me again

I have never looked at a recipe baking a cake and I’m honestly too set in my ways to start now

Chloe if I have to tell my dad and granddad I’m a power ranger and go against Zordon, you have to tell uncle Bulk and Aunt Kim first. Yea, yea I thought so.

I understand I’m now a blue and thus a problem solver. Hit thing very hard with hammer till it stops attacking is, in fact, solving a problem! It makes new problems but it is solving at least one!

I have so many questions. I’m not stupid enough to ask them, but I do have the questions

I don’t think the Grid cares who’s making power ranger teams. I think it just likes generating power rangers to watch them smash-wait-no not like that-

I don’t want to play truth or dare with anyone I know. It always become a callout. ‘Alphie have you slept’ ‘Alphie I dare you to sleep’ ‘Alphie did you eat anything today. Alphie I dare you to eat anything other than a boba tea’ I hate playing that game.

I was babysat by an overachieving vampire while my parents got divorced. I am astonishingly good with bizarre situations. Plus, I’m being babysat by the same overachieving vampire. I promise, I’m actually fine.

Living on the moon sucks but Rito’s chill

I want to go home. I just don’t want to face the disappointment

I’m about ready to ask Phineas how his parents got together. It’ll give me a headache but I’ll try anything to get Milo to realize I like him

Huh. I wish I didn’t know that still but alright. Cool.

And I tag: @uccelletto-di-kokuyo @wreyeder-wreyedine @the-fab-fox @watermeezer @shepardsherd and anyone who wants to

OC in 15 (or less)

I was tagged by @ajgrey9647 to play this game. Thanks for the tag!

Rules: Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture the character/personality/vibe of the OC. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you're free to include those as well!

Ahhhhhh-hah-hah-haaaaah.... This is a trick, because I don't really have a solid configuration of an actual original character. BUT, I decided to play because, incidentally, it works for Alternate Universe versions of characters I'm working on in fandom. So for this go around, I think I'll play up the version of Adam Park in the 'all our injuries rhyme' series I'm working on. Because he is NOT like the Adam Park of the Prime Universe and a bit more of the simple sentry in the Coinless Universe as we know it. This Adam has a bond with this AU's version of Skull that never would happen anywhere else. Second Green Adam Park:

"If I love you, I cook. Simple as that."

Looking directly at Trini, her terrified in the face of his solemn wrath, "Are you satisfied now?"

"I've gotten to the point that I could probably ride or deepthroat a baseball bat with no ill effect, yeah."

With soft eyes as Rocky and Aisha suddenly look ashamed of themselves, "My wife, child, and the whole of my family are dead. They know everything now."

"Exactly one person ever asked to leave 8th Division to be granted a promotion to Captain," a curl of the lip, amused without pleasure, "Because he thinks of this as a Career."

To Jason, not so coinless anymore, "I no more delight in wearing Green than you do in wearing White; but at least White didn't need purification through blood, just words. Bit of a theme with this little fucker."

With nostalgia, staring off into rain falling down at the top of the Command Center, "Leftover bread pancakes. Those and a loaf of oatmeal honey bread and a baked apple," inhales a drag of the blunt he nicked, "First time I actually wanted to suck a cock in a decade."

"And that is what forgiveness sounds like."

With deep, deep, deep sarcasm, complete with the hand signs, "Naaaaaaaaaaaaamaste."

"I'm okay on the floor."

And I think I will gently tag: @lordkingsmith @skyland2703 @koragg1 @estel-eruantien and wrapping right back around to @ajgrey9647 (I cheated, you can too. You can choose an OC or a favored character.)

[thechangeling]

If I keep my Eyes Closed

Holy shit it's been a minute. I'm sorry I am ✨Mentally Ill✨ and I also had a bad case of writers block. But here we are! Also if you recognize the slight Buffy the vampire slayer reference you get a metaphorical cookie.

Cw: meltdown

Chapter 6: You better make me better

+1.  Ty had a scar on the top of his collarbone. It wasn't super big or noticable. Just a little slit of white. Kit doubted most people would have even noticed. Unless of course you were completely fucking obsessed like him.

He had been trying to stay focused on the meeting. Imminent death and all. That was kind of a big deal. But he just couldn't stop staring at Ty and thinking about what Alyssa had said. There was this knee jerk reaction to not believe anything she said about Ty because it just couldn't be true. Not for any of the reasons she thought but because Kit just wasn't the person you fell madly in love with.

Kit was useful. Kit was good for certain things. And yeah sure there were people who cared about him now. He was starting to realize over the years, with the help of therapy that the shit his dad put him through was less then ideal. And he was worthy of love.

He still felt weird thinking that but he was sort of hoping that if he just said it in his head enough times it would stick. But the thing was, Ty was, well ty. Beautiful and brilliant Ty. Innovative, curious and adventurous Ty with so much light and life buzzing inside of him. Messy imperfect and stubborn Ty who could be so tender and then so damn cold when he wanted to be.

How could Kit ever deserve that? Ty's love?

And based on what Alyssa said, how the hell was Kit worthy of that? That all encompassing, consuming love?

The meeting adjourned for the night and Janessa gave him a look that he knew meant "I know you weren't paying attention you idiot." He smirked at her, trying to seem casual.

"You going to sleep? She asked. "I'm going out. Gonna see if there's any good bars around here. You know, creature of the night and all."

Kit shook his head. "No sorry Nessie, there's something I gotta do." He felt guilty for blowing off his best friend but he was worried that if he didn't talk to Ty now he would loose his nerve .

Janessa nodded almost knowingly. "Good luck with that."

She walked off and Kit immediately turned back to the crowd of people heading off to their respective rooms. He spotted Ty off in the corner talking to Livvy and Alyssa, which had to be tricky since they couldn't see each other. Eventually Alyssa hugged Ty, pressing a kiss to his check which still made Kit angry, and left the room.

Kit realized it wasn't actually the affection he was jealous off. It was the trust. Ty trusted her completely. And Kit had lost that. And he needed to get it back. Whatever it took.

And then Ty looked at him and his heart stopped. Because Ty wasn't just looking at him, he was staring directly into his eyes for the first time in years.

Kit had forgotten how to breathe. His eyes were so striking. So gray. Like the colour of iron. Ty had always reminded him of iron. Strength and resilience. It may bend but it does not break.

But was that really true? Or was Ty just pretending to be unbreakable?

Kit had no idea what to do or say, so he just stood there staring at Ty. It was like they were frozen in time. Honestly Kit could have stayed there forever just staring at Ty.

Finally Ty broke the silence and pulled his face into a scowl. "What is it?"

Kit flinched at the harshness in his voice. He knew what Alyssa had said, that he was just protecting himself but that didn't stop Kit from feeling so vulnerable and scared.

So he was still a bit of a pussy. Sue him.

But in his defense Ty was kind of scary when he wanted to be. Kit cleared his throat.

"I need to talk to you," he said firmly. It was only then that he realized Livvy had disappeared from Ty's side.

Ty looked confused. "Why?" He asked. "Why now? You have been avoiding me for weeks Christopher."

Kit scoffed. "You've been avoiding me too you know!"

Ok so this wasn't exactly going according to plan. But sometimes Ty just pushed his buttons a little too well.

Kit took a deep breath. "Listen I'm sorry ok? About all of it. I'm sorry for leaving and I'm so sorry I hurt you." He could hear the desperation creeping into his voice. "Believe me that was the last thing I wanted. I just-" he shook his head. "I got scared. I got so scared of something happening to you and I froze up and just lost my shit. And it was like you didn't even care."

Ty's brow furrowed. "I did care. I do care. Why else would I be here?"

Kit sighed. "I know! Believe me I get it now! Or maybe not fully but I know I read things wrong. But I need you to know that it wasn't about you Ty, it was about me. Me and my own insecurities." Kit took a step towards Ty. He didn't back away.

And Kit could see it now, what he couldn't before. There was a longing depth in Ty's gaze and his jaw was clenched like he was trying to keep walls up. His arms were wrapped around himself and he seemed to be pulling at the skin.

He was hurting and Kit just wanted to make it better.

"Listen to me," Kit said carefully. "I love you Ty. I am in love with you." His chest aches as he says it, heavy with the weight of it. But he needs Ty to hear him this time. He needs to know.

"Stop it," Ty growled. And whatever Kit thought Ty's reaction would be to hearing those words, he didn't think it would be anger. Ty glared at him furiously, angrier that Kit had ever seen him before.  "Just stop."

And if Kit was smart or even remotely sane, he would have. But he just couldn't.

"I love you," he declared again desperately. "I love you so much."

Ty snarled, balling his hands into fists. "Stop!"

Kit shook his head softly. "I love you."

Ty lashed out at the speed of lightning, grabbing Kit's shoulders and spinning him around so that his back slammed against the wall. Before he could even register what was happening he felt a blade kissing his throat.

"Shut up!" Ty pleaded. His voice sounded less angry and more desperate and shaking now.

Kit could remember the last time he was in this position. The very first time they met, a shadowhunter he had never met before pulled a weapon on him and he wasn't scared, he wasn't furious. He was just in awe.

How beautiful.

"I love you Ty, He gasped breathlessly, willing Ty to believe him. To feel it. "I swear to you I'm not lying. I. Love. you."

Ty trembled, the blade he was holding pressing even harder again Kit's throat. His eyes were full of tears. Kit felt a pang in his chest. Ty hardly ever cried.

He was well aware that Ty could take his head off like this, or slit his throat and let Kit bleed out. Kit didn't care.

If he was going to die, he wanted these to be his last words.

"I love you Ty," he whispered. 

Ty let out a whine as his body shook. The hand holding the knife was practically vibrating.

And then Kit felt it. A sharp pain at his throat, followed by a wet feeling. It probably should have bothered him more him more.

But the most concern he felt was when he saw Ty's eyes widen in horror when he saw that he had drawn blood. He let out a panicked wail.

"Hey," Kit cooed gently. "I'm ok." He gripped Ty's wrist carefully, leading the knife away from him. "I'm ok Ty."

He had no idea if that was actually true but he really didn't give a crap. What Kit cared about was the way Ty had dropped the knife and anxiously fluttering and tapping his fingers. He rolled his shoulder up to his ear, scrunching up his face.

"Hey," Kit murmered desperately, trying not to scare Ty. "It's ok baby, I'm ok." He tried to reach for him but Ty flinched out of his grasp whining again. Tears were streaming down his face.

Kit's heart felt like it was breaking. "Ty it's gonna be ok," he pleaded, but Ty just shook his head frantically and pulled at his hair. Kit slowly took another step towards him.

"Please just tell me what to do."

But Ty just sobbed, gasping for air. Kit reached for him again and took Ty into his arms and this time he didn't fight him. Kit wrapped himself around Ty and squeezed as tightly as he could. Ty buried his face in Kit's neck and wailed, a sound so full of fury and agony. It was a sound that Kit had heard many times when his friends or other autistic people were having meltdowns.

Kit pressed a kiss to the side of his head like he had seen Alyssa do. "It's ok sweetheart just let it out," he whispered. "I love you."

Ty gasped, taking frantic breaths. "I can't," he whimpered. "I can't. It's not safe."

Kit had no idea what Ty meant by that. Alyssa would know his traitorous brain whispered. But he wasn't Alyssa. He was Kit, and he needed to trust that was good enough for Ty. That he was what Ty wanted.

He held him tighter, running a gang through Ty's hair. "Yes it is," he breathed. "You are safe with me Ty. You are always safe with me."

Kit had no idea how long he stayed like that, just holding Ty in his arms. Time seemed to just fade away. He still remembered the first time. When they were both still so young and had no idea what was in store for them. When he had no idea what he was feeling, why he felt so compelled to stay.

Ty's cries were lessening now, Kit could feel his heart racing against his. It was almost as if they were both trying to break free and merge. Ty sighed and wiped his eyes on Kit's shirt, finally staring at him again.

"You're bleeding," He pointed out.

Oh yeah. Right.

Kit realized with a laugh that he had completely forgotten. Ty looked confused.

"Don't worry," he smiled. "It doesn't hurt anymore."

Ty wasn't convinced. "Still, you should let me give you an iratze," he protested. "I should never have-"

Kit cut him off. "It's ok, I'm fine Ty. Really."

Ty gave him a small smile and cupped his cheek, tracing over Kit's orbital bone with his thumb. Kit felt his heart soar.

"Ty," he said quietly not wanting to break the peace. "I need to ask you something. Please."

"Yes?" Ty looked scared.

"I don't want to upset you again, said Kit carefully. "But I just need to know. I think I already know the answer but I need to hear you say it. Just once and then you never have to say it again." Kit slid his hands up Ty's arms.

"Do you love me?" Kit murmered. It was what he should have asked that day on the beach. But then again Ty might not have been ready to answer. He might not even have known the answer yet.

Ty was silent. For several agonizing seconds he said nothing. Then he pressed his forehead to Kit's and whispered so quietly that Kit wouldn't have heard him if he wasn't so close.

"I love you."

Kit couldn't help himself. He sobbed, letting four years of misery and anguish come pouring out.

For years now he had been dreaming of Ty saying those words to him. Each time Kit would wake up in tears because he was so sure those dreams could never be reality.

Ty nudged his nose against Kit's. "Don't cry."

Kit choaked on a laugh. Easier said than done.

Ty cupped his face gently, stroking his cheek. " Please don't cry," Ty whispered.

And then he kissed him.

Ty's lips crashed into his and for a moment Kit's heart stopped before he felt a surge of emotion propelling him into action. He passionately returned the kiss, pulling Ty even closer and getting lost in his warmth.

Nothing else mattered. Ty loved him. Ty loved him. And he could feel it so clearly in the urgency and gentleness of his touch. In the way he licked into Kit's mouth and deepened their kisses like he was trying to devour Kit. Devour him whole.

The world faded to nothing as they kissed feverishly, clawing at each others skin. It was intoxicating. It felt like Ty was touching every single nerve in his body. Kit felt Ty's run his hands through his curls and pull. He let out a slight moan in response.

He could still feel their hearts racing together as Ty pinned him firmly against the wall. He broke the kiss and smiled slightly, something Kit rarely saw especially lately.  It made him want to smile too.

It always did. Ty's happiness was like a balm for the soul.

Ty leaned in again and kissed the spot above the corner of Kit's mouth. One of his freckles, Kit realized.

Kit sighed. His head was spinning. He felt so light, like he was floating. Like he finally knew it was gonna be ok. He was gonna be ok.

It felt like coming home.

*Five years later*

Ty had always been fascinated with the night sky, even as a child. He loved to look up at the stars and trace the various constellations with his gaze, even making up new ones. He would draw specific patterns, organizing them into groups and categories.

Or he would count them.

Livvy always thought it was ridiculous.

You can't count them all Ty-Ty. That's impossible.

It's not about counting all of them, He would say. I just like to count them. It calms my mind.

Then Livvy would giggle and say how ironic that was seeing how much he hated math.

Ty could look back on the memory know with fondness and smile instead of being overcome with grief. He had lost Livvy some time ago, a few months after he and Kit had entered a romantic relationship. The connection had become too weak and it wasn't safe to attempt to keep her with them.

It was painful. But this time it was almost bearable. Like there was some part of him that had been preparing for that moment for awhile. And he still grieved, in the sense that he was fine for weeks and then it hit him like a tsunami. And the he cried. He screamed. He yelled and lashed out any anyone nearby.

But through it all, Kit was always there. His fiance now. The word still brought a bubbly giddy feeling. It was almost ridiculous how much Kit Herondale had an affect on his emotions. He could completely take Ty over and Ty wouldn't mind.

Speaking of...

"Hey!" Kit called from up ahead, "look what I found!"

They were walking along the beach at night eager to take a break from the party that was going on back at the institute. It was Helen's birthday and Aline had insisted on inviting everyone they knew, which of course resulted in enough noise and chaos that they could still hear it on the beach.

Kit had run ahead as he had a tendency to do on occasion and now was returning with something in his hands. A turtle, Ty realized. The sight instantly brought on fond memories, memories of when things were still new and they barely knew each other. But it still felt right. It still felt safe.

"I've decided to name him Murtle," Kit said cheerfully. "Murtle the turtle."

Ty shook his head fondly. "How do you know it's a male turtle? Should you really be assuming the turtle's gender?"

"Oh fuck off," Kit replied lightheartedly. "What can I say, I got a feeling. You wanna hold Murtle?" He held the very unimpressed looking turtle out to Ty.

Ty grinned, taking Murtle out of Kit's out stretched palms. "Of course I do."

"That's the smile," Kit murmered, almost to himself. "You smiled the same way the first time I saw you holding a turtle."

"I was just thinking about that!"

Kit gazed at him lovingly, his eyes so full warmth and devotion. "I swear Ty, sometimes it's like the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. For a change to see that smile."

Ty's chest clenched. He thought of his own dark days with cloudy thoughts and heavy limbs. "I know how you feel," he murmered. He cupped the side of Kit's neck and leaned down to brush his lips against his.

"Excuse me?" A timid voice sounded beside them. They both turned to look.

She appeared to be a girl about Mina's age, around 9 years old. She had two puncture wounds that had scarred over on her neck.

A vampire.

Ty had always known that there were vampires trapped in child form for eternity. He had just never actually seen one up close. She could technically be hundreds of years old and she looked like a little girl.

It was quite fasinating.

Ty resisted the urge to ask her any questions that might be deemed inappropriate.

"Hello," he responded cautiously. Ty then realized he was still holding Murtle the turtle. Kit glanced over at him and seemed to realize this as well.

"Oh. Yeah uh, Ty you should probably go put Murtle back while I talk to Sarah."

Kit knew her?

"Wait," the girl (Sarah his brain supplied) spoke up. "I actually just wanted to ask you about your necklace," she pointed to the Herondale pendent resting against Ty's chest. "Does that mean you're engaged?"

Ty tried not to laugh as the Deja Vu hit him. He could remember clear as day all those years ago every time people assumed he and Kit were together

He looked over at Kit who looked nervous, almost as if he was afraid of what Ty's answer would be. That wiped any amusement from the situation.

Because Ty knew what he was thinking about. All of those times people made those assumed at reacted in anger and annoyance. Maybe even what may have seemed like disgust.

It was fear. Ty always knew that. Fear of being vulnerable, of admitting what he wanted. He never wanted to make Kit feel like he was ashamed of him or of his love for him.

Ty wanted to spend the rest of his life bathing Kit in his love so that he never felt alone or afraid ever again.

He reached for Kit's hand and squeezed it tightly, turning back to Sarah with a proud smile.

"Yes we are."

And we're done y'all! Btw if you're wondering I got the name Murtle from the Dr. Suess novel Yurtle the turtle.

Tagging: @lavender-scented-rat   @littlx-songbxrd @queenlilith43 @arangiajoan  @tired-vin @phoenix-and-dragon @amchara @wagner-fell @sandersgrey @the-wckd-powers @spooky-drusilla @unhinged-aroace @the-blackdale @have-a-holly-jolly-angstmas

[sarcasmandships]

yellow | paul lahote

paul lahote never wanted to imprint on anyone, but especially not on the one girl he couldn’t seem to protect, not even from herself.

word count: 3.8k

angst, hurt + minimal comfort

trigger warnings: eating disorder, death, hospital/medical scene, vomit

paul imprinted on y/n nearly a year ago, it wasn’t something he ever wanted. in fact, he tried so hard to fight the imprint at first that he made himself ill.

paul was only just beginning to learn that he couldn’t fight off every problem he encountered. imprinting on y/n had been a harsh awakening for him, and he knew now that he couldn’t punch and kick his way through life.

that didn’t stop him trying though, he stared at the hole he’d just created in the dry wall of his bedroom. he was going to have to buy another poster.

“paul, are you still there?” y/n’s voice was muffled through the phone which lay face down on his bed, “i heard a bang.”

and paul could hear her concern so he snatched the phone and held it up to his ear, “yeah i’m still here don’t worry,” he sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose.

“okay...” she said uncertainly, “are you alright?”

he was clenching his fists, his jaw, and every other muscle in his body, “yeah, yeah i’m fine,” he said, trying to maintain a light and airy tone as much as possible but the words just came out flat, “i should be asking if you’re okay.”

y/n took several minutes to answer, “you don’t need to worry about me paul.”

if only she knew that his entire life now revolved around worrying about her. about wanting to protect her, from the leeches, from every creep and asshole in this town, from every bout of stress or sadness.

“i never do anything else,” he tried to say jokingly, but his voice broke mid-way through the sentence and he punched his mattress.

“look paul...” he could hear her frowning through the phone as she sighed, “i gotta go to my appointment now but I’ll see you later for the bonfire, yeah?”

tears were burning in paul’s eyes as he croaked out a response, “yeah, do you need me to pick you up?”

“it’s all good, i’m going to emily’s first to give her a hand with the food so i’ll go down with her.”

“yeah, sounds great,” he said flatly, “i’ll see you there then.”

“bye paul,” she whispered and hung up the phone.

he launched the phone at the wall, and it shattered into chunks of useless plastic. he held his head in his hands and before he knew it, his whole body was racked with dry sobs.

paul lahote never wanted to imprint on anyone, but especially not on the one girl he couldn’t seem to protect, not even from herself.

he grabbed a pair of beat-up trainers from under his bed and pulled them on. he thundered downstairs and out the front door, ignoring the protests of his drunken father.

paul ran.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul,’ y/n would tease him.

maybe not, but he couldn’t do anything else because she wouldn’t fucking let him. y/n had always been stubborn but in the last few months she’d become increasingly closed off and defensive. if paul made the slightest attempt to ‘stick his nose where it didn’t belong’ then she’d shut him out for weeks on end.

being apart from her was agonising.

he used to think sam and jared were exaggerating when they talked about the pain of not seeing their imprints. but now he knew it was all too real and he couldn’t stand it, so paul had learned to bite his tongue so she wouldn’t give him the silent treatment.

that was something that did not come easy to him, but it was easier than not seeing her, not talking to her, not being close to her.

paul knew on some level it was selfish to let y/n play out her fantasises and pretend that everything was fine, he knew it was wrong for indulging her. but whenever he tried to confront her, to help her, then she would shut him out again and he couldn’t bare that.

it was raining heavily now, the hail stones battered off his exposed skin as he dove out of sight behind the tree line.

staying calm was not something paul was good at, he had to spend so much of his energy focusing on blocking out his anger and sadness and pain and anguish just to make sure he didn’t shift at an inappropriate moment.

but right now, he could smash through that blockade and let every emotion flood through his body as his flesh ripped and his bones snapped, and he shed his human form to leave a large, grey wolf in his place.

paul relished in the release, it felt good to finally let go of every negative emotion he was holding onto and embrace the wolf inside of him. he ran through the trees, taking in the smell of the wet earth and the salty sea air.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul’

y/n told him that once after a particularly explosive fight he’d had with his father. they sat on the beach, and she stroked his hair as he laid with his head on her lap. he told her he was going to leave home, she pointed out he had no money, he told her that he’d live in the streets if he had to.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul’ she had said, her fingers entangled in his hair.

but y/n didn’t seem to adopt that mentality when it came to her own problems, and paul’s desire to protect her made her problems, his problems. and now he had an overwhelming number of problems that everyone kept telling him he couldn’t run away from, but that wasn’t going to stop him from trying.

he kicked up soil and dead leaves behind him as he ran through the woods, the hailstones has subsided to a light drizzle which still managed to soak his fur. he paused to shake the water off him when he hear someone else’s voice in his head, someone else had shifted.

“hey paul.”

“hey jake.”

paul tried to shut off his inner monologue so that jacob couldn’t hear what he was thinking, he thought he was doing an alright job until-

“rough day, huh?”

paul growled.

“yeah i guess, y/n’s seeing her therapist right now....”

“is she getting better?”

paul could sense the concern in jacob’s thoughts but this wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have right now.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul’

well, what the fuck else was he supposed to do? everyone kept telling him that he couldn’t run away but no one was offering any alternative solutions.

it was always ‘calm down, paul.’

‘you can’t fight your way out of everything, paul.’

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul’

well why the fuck not?

no one seemed to understand that he wasn’t running for his own sake but for everyone else’s. and most importantly, for y/n’s. it was excruciatingly difficult to keep those thoughts to himself and out of jacob’s mind, so he began running through the trees again to provide some kind of distraction.

“yeah, she’s going over to emily’s first to help out so i’m meeting her there.”

“do you think you might finally tell her tonight? it’s been nearly a year and she still has no idea....”

“she can’t handle it; she’s got enough going o,n i can’t burden her with all of this too.”

that was only part of it. paul was worried about how y/n would take the news that he, and all his friends were shapeshifting wolves that existed to protect the town from vampires. and even more concerning, how would she take the news that he had imprinted on her? y/n was too fragile right now, he had to protect her even if that meant keeping the truth from her.

but beyond that, he was worried that she wouldn’t accept him. paul had a crippling fear of rejection at the best of times, but the prospect of his own imprint rejecting him was unimaginable.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

maybe not forever, but for right now he was going to sprint as fast as he could.

***

the blazing bonfire crackled just meters in front of them and yet y/n was still shivering; paul wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close into his chest. she nuzzled into him and paul was filled with a burst of euphoria at their closeness. her eyes were barely open as she leaned into him, he tightened his grip on her frozen frame.

“are you okay?” he mumbled into her hair, it smelled like lavender.

she nodded slowly, “yeah, i’m just tired, today was pretty rough.”

paul frowned. he wished that they weren’t surrounded by so many people, they were sat a little away from the rest of the group, but they didn’t have the privacy he would’ve liked.

“do you want to talk about it?”

y/n sniffled, when paul looked down at her he saw tears slowly running down her cheeks and his heart shattered.

he pulled her in closer and wiped away the tears, “hey, hey what’s wrong?”

y/n just shook her head, “i don’t want to talk about it.”

‘you can’t run away from your problems, y/n’ he wanted to say.

“are you sure?” he asked hesitantly, desperately wanting to help but also not wanting her to clam up again.

she looked away from him; the glare from the roaring bonfire reflected in her glassy eyes. paul enveloped one of her cold, bony hand in his and squeezed it gently but her frown persisted. there was a hollowness in his chest as he stared at her miserable expression; paul knew he couldn’t punch away anyone’s problems but as it turns out, holding hands is just as ineffective.

“dr charles wants me to go to inpatient treatment,” she said bluntly, “he says my physical health is deteriorating too much.”

something twisted in his gut.

“but i thought you were…getting better?” he said cautiously.

paul knew that was a lie.

y/n knew that was a lie, but she was so good at pretending otherwise she had everyone convinced that she was getting better. everyone but him, and he didn’t want her to know that she wasn’t fooling him with the ‘i’m eating again, i’m doing great’ routine she had become so well-versed in.

“well, i’m not better,” she snapped, pushing paul off her as she leapt to her feet.

superhuman hearing or otherwise, everyone else around the bonfire heard y/n’s exclamation, and their heads snapped over to stare between her and paul. emily began to stand up but paul waved her off and she sat back down next to sam. he approached y/n slowly, tears continued to stream down her face but when he moved to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder, she pushed him away.

he held up his hands, “okay, okay – i won’t touch you, why don’t we go somewhere quiet to talk-”

“no,” she snapped, “i don’t want to talk paul, all i ever do is fucking talk about my feelings and as long as i say the right things then everyone thinks i’m better, but i’m not fucking better, okay?”

“i know,” he roared back, “i know you’re not better, in fact you’re getting worse. i watch you get sicker every single day, i watch you withering away, i watch you dying and there is nothing that i can do because you won’t let me.”

y/n bit her lip and looked away from him.

tears were burning in paul’s eyes, “i can’t make you better, i can’t make you eat, i can’t look after you and it’s killing me.”

“i never asked you to look after me,” she screamed back, tears flowing freely down her face now, “i don’t know why you think it’s your job to keep me alive but it isn’t-”

“yes, it is!”

paul was shaking now, he was trying to hold onto his humanity with every fibre of his being, but the pain and anger was overwhelming. he was reaching his breaking point. he tried to focus on y/n; she was his anchor and usually the thought of her, focusing on the sound of her heartbeat was enough to calm him down. but usually, she wasn’t the focus is his anger, and now when he looked at her all he saw was how frail and weak she looked.

she was dying and she wouldn’t let him help her.

everyone was staring now; paul didn’t want to be on this beach anymore, he couldn’t deal with this right now. it was all too much; his head was spinning and his limbs were trembling.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

sam leapt to his feet, ready to jump in and tackle paul to the ground as he lurched towards y/n. but instead of shifting and attacking her, he grabbed her hand and led her away from the bonfire and the rest of the pack.

“paul what are you doing?” y/n asked through chattering teeth.

she didn’t try to fight him off but paul knew this was more likely a sign of her lack of energy, and not her willingness to go with him. they were at the edge of the beach now, where the sand bordered with the rough concrete path that led back towards the heart of la push. paul stopped in his tracks and turned to face y/n as he heard her breathing become increasingly shallow.

he studied her intently, emaciated body, pale lips, hollow cheeks. he could hear her heart beating slowly and irregularly inside her chest, he could see her struggling to catch a breath. despite her weakened body she stared back at him, with a clenched jaw and arms crossed across her chest.

“you can’t run away from your problems, y/n,” he finally said.

she snorted, “i’m not you, paul.”

“no, but you’re my impr-” he stopped himself before he revealed too much and ran a hand through his hair, “you’re my best friend y/n i-”

“no, jared is your best friend,” she said pointedly.

“for god’s sake can you stop being difficult for two damn seconds?” he snapped.

she let out a shrill laugh, “right sorry, i forget i’m just an inconvenience to everyone around here, i should just go.”

paul grabbed her hand before she could turn away from him. he towered over her, but when their eyes met it was like nothing else mattered. in every second of his existence, paul was acutely aware that gravity and the laws of nature didn’t bind him to the earth; she did. and when she looked into his eyes like that it only reminded him that she was his everything, before paul knew it, his anger was melting away and there was nothing but pure euphoria flowing through his body.

paul lahote never wanted to imprint on anyone, especially not on the one girl he couldn’t seem to protect, not even from herself. but in that moment, nothing else mattered except for the fact that y/n was standing chest to chest with him, and she was staring into his eyes. nothing else mattered; not her anger towards him, her disease, his feelings of helplessness, his fear of rejection.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

“do you believe in soulmates, y/n?” he asked breathily.

“what?” she asked; her breath billowed out of her chapped lips and hung visibly in the cool september air, thick, like cigarette smoke.

he took a deep breath; it was now or never.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

“y/n, there’s something i have to tell you-”

she was the first to break eye contact with him, her pupils dilated suddenly, and her eyes fluttered shut. she managed to grip onto his bicep lightly as she collapsed, but her hand turned limp and rolled gently onto the sand as she lay unconscious in his arms.

***

“clear!” carlisle hollered.

paul reluctantly dropped y/n’s hand as carlisle pressed the paddles to her chest and sent two hundred volts of electricity searing through her lifeless body.

he frowned at the consistent flatline on the monitor, “push ten of epi and charge again,” he ordered the nurse, resuming chest compressions as he waited for the next round of medication to be administered.

paul grabbed her hand again while he had the chance, she was already turning cold. the blood had drained from her face, and paul couldn’t focus on her heartbeat to calm him because she no longer had one.

“clear!”

they repeated the routine they had been performing for the last several minutes; paul let go of her hand, carlisle shocked her, the flatline remained.

the nurse shook her head, “asystole,” she said flatly.

“what does that mean?” paul asked frantically, he looked between carlisle and y/n, “why aren’t you helping her?”

carlisle retrieved a neuro torch from the pocket of his lab coat, peeling back y/n’s eyelids he shone the light over each of her eyes, “pupil’s are fixed and dilated,” he said to the nurse.

“why are you stopping? fix her!” paul wailed.

“i’m sorry paul, there’s nothing else we can do for her,” he said softly, “time of death, 19.08.”

the nurse nodded and made a note on y/n’s chart before exiting the trauma room, leaving just paul, sam, and carlisle in the room with y/n’s lifeless body.

paul didn’t cry, or scream, or phase into a giant wolf. he stood by y/n’s bedside, clutching her hand in his and staring straight ahead at the monitor she was attached to. it continued to let out a continuous, monotone beep. sam, who was just waiting for paul to explode, placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder; paul didn’t have the energy to push him away.

“bring her back,” he croaked.

carlisle looked between paul and sam, “i am very sorry for your loss, paul, but there is nothing else i can do, she’s gone-”

“well bring her back!” he roared, falling to his knees as he continued to clutch y/n’s hand, “you fix her, you bring her back, you change her i don’t care-”

“you know i can’t do that-”

“yes, you can. you’ve done it before, change her i don’t care if she’s a vampire just bring her back,” he sobbed.

“paul, we can’t violate the treaty,” sam barked.

“i don’t give a fuck about the treaty,” he turned his head to snarl at sam, “bring her back right now doc or i swear to god i will-”

“i am very sorry paul, but even if i wanted to change her i couldn’t, it’s too late. there are some things even venom can’t fix, even if i tried the venom wouldn’t be able to circulate her body without a heartbeat.”

paul rose from his knees and dropped y/n’s hand. he was robotic as he began chest compressions, despite protests from carlisle. sam tried to pull paul’s arms away from y/n, but he shoved him off roughly and continued to rhythmically administer cpr.

“paul, you need to stop,” carlisle said, “she’s gone – that isn’t going to help her.”

he ignored him.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul’.

he wasn’t running anymore.

for once in his life paul was facing his problem head on.

he wasn’t running anymore.

he was doing what everyone always wanted, and yet sam and carlisle were trying to stop him.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

sam and carlisle winced as there was an audible crack.

“you’re breaking her ribs, paul,” carlisle said, attempting to remove paul’s hands from y/n’s body but he flinched away from the vampire’s icy touch.

carlisle looked at sam pleadingly; sam nodded briefly at him before reaching forward and attempting to drag paul away from y/n’s body. he resisted, struggling against sam’s grip as he maintained the rhythmic compressions. his vision blurred in front of him, refusing to take on the scene before him.

he never got a chance to tell her about the imprint.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

she never regained consciousness after she collapsed.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

he never got to say goodbye.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

he never got to tell her he loved her.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

sam was dragging him backwards, away from y/n; his rigid grip kept paul’s arms pinned to his sides and stopped him from reaching out to cling to y/n.

paul couldn’t breathe.

everything was spinning.

the harsh, fluorescent hospital lights burned his watery eyes; he wanted nothing more than to sink down into darkness till he could awake from this nightmare.

y/n couldn’t be dead.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

“someone will need to contact her family, they will need to make arrangements,” carlisle commented quietly, “ i will call them myself if you give me the number.”

“this is my fault,” paul choked out.

“what?”

“it’s my fault,” his voice caught in his throat, “i let her slowly kill herself because i didn’t want her shut me out.”

“y/n was sick for a long time paul-” carlisle began.

“and i could’ve fixed her, but i was too selfish to let her go and now she’s gone forever.”

his knuckles turned white as he gripped the metal pole that ran along the side of y/n’s bed, he couldn’t bring himself to look at her body.

sam placed a hand on his shoulder, “there’s nothing you could’ve done paul, you already did everything you could for her - you can’t love someone back together.”

“what if it was emily?” paul snarled, “would you be so calm and condescending if it was your imprint lying dead in front of you?”

paul’s heart pounded in his chest, he was still unable to look at her. he wanted to remember her alive and breathing, not like this.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

“if you’ll excuse me, i should get started on some paperwork,” carlisle said quietly.

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

paul lahote never wanted to imprint on anyone, but especially not on the one girl he couldn’t seem to protect, not even from herself.

“c’mon paul, you should get out of here.”

‘you can’t run away from your problems, paul.’

his eyes flickered up, and the sight of y/n’s corpse sent acidic vomit bubbling up his throat and into his mouth. he turned sharply on his heel and choked out his stomach contents into a bin in the corner.

after he composed himself paul did what he did best.

he ran.