#now i'm just being self indulgent
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"whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same." emily bronte, wuthering heights
allison harlow + nathaniel perry | arsonist's lullabye | the last of us
#now i'm just being self indulgent#i'm way too invested in this ship#feel free to ignore me#tlou fanfic#tlou oc#mywriting*#mine*#oc: allison harlow#chara: perry tlou#show: tlou#ship: allison x perry#arsonistslullabye*
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collab #2 with @xenole i was given a chibi yakumo and i.. i...... turned it into thiS
#I AM SO SORRY I DREW YAKUMO AGAIN ADFSJEIADKS LOOK OK so xenole gives me the tiny crying yakumo.#says DO WHATEVER YOU WANT and THUS i get to thinking#my immediate thought was#i'm going to make oli breast boobily while comforting him#bc i was determined to draw xenole's fave this time. i swore it to myself. i WILL stop being so self indulgent#but the chibi on chibi comforting scene didn't sit right with me. it was too straightforward. not something i would draw normally#it was hhhh as u say.... not on brand.? it did not inspire me. idea benched....#so days pass and i'm still pondering ideas on what to do to the sad spaghetti.#configurations of clan members danced in my head. some defending yaku. some comforting. some bullying#the ideas usually involved at least oli or kuya bc once again. xenole bias#then while i'm in the shower i got frustrated with my lack of ideas and thought#i'll jujst eat.him. just. chew on him. i'm tired of him#AND THE IMAGE OF KUYA EATING YAKUMO FOR BREAKFAST POPPED INTO MY MIND#originally it was going to be kuya eating yakuflakes and oli giving him serious side eye but then the brain went#WHAT IF IT'S YAKUMO WATCHING KUYA EAT YAKUMO. THAT IS FUNNY. IT MUMST HAPPEEN#BUT I REFUSED at first. i was angry at myself. this is not a competition to see how you can STILL sHOVE YAKUMO into a drawing.#plus the composition would shrink xenole's chibi down! i would take over so much space by comparison! THE DISRESPECT! TO THE COLLAB PROCESS#but once i get fixated on smth...well. i ended up doing the idea and just praying xenole wouldnt eviscerate me for it#i'm sorry my liege. my grip on the reins was weak. the goofy clown horses went stampeding#so idk now it's the two of em having a peaceful breakfast in kuya's cabin but only kuya is at peace and yakumo's this close to a breakdown#i feel like there should be something in the space between them. a speech bubble or something . something mean is being said#yakuya#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival kuya
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Two big softies(?) (Patreon)
#Doodles#Handplates#UT#Fellplates#Gaster#Flowey#Flowey is still my favourite UT character so honestly a lot of this was just self-indulgent doodles lol#But then - as always - it did turn into Thinking A Lot about [thing] lol#Starting with the classic tho! Flowey friendly-like coiled around whoever he's talking to ♪ It's too fun hehe#I love Flowey getting just a liiiiittle too close and personal to a discomfort degree ♫ He's just being friendly! It's a hug! A snuggle!#He's your best friend so you don't mind right? :) Why would Fellplates!Gaster mind ♪#He's always posed to stage right when I draw him haha - I'm still fond of the one Gravity Falls/Undertale crossover piece I made with him#Anyhow lol - yet more fluffy wings! It's just fun if they're expressive I want real feathers lol#Gaster's face completely neutral but his wings all puffed up and freaked out hehe#Flowey would definitely be able to tell if those are when he chose to wrap around!#If they were just the decorative version he'd fall right off from his own weight pulling them loose lol#Absolutely thinking of the one of Gaster screaming while being vine-wrapped by Flowey haha - he's totally innocent here! ♥#And then a little idea of how each of them react to humans - UkaGaster talks a lot about his general positive feelings for humans#And Fell!Flowey is.....well I have my own thoughts about how he might react to humans now that he's been...himself for a while#There have been Fallen Humans in the time between being locked in the Underground and [now] even in Underfell hasn't there?#I guess none of them would've made it as far as meeting up with Gaster - bit of a dark thought heh - but Flowey would know#Is it selfish? To wish for humans or to keep them a secret from the rest of the Underground? What might happen?#It's interesting to think about! If there were humans then surely Gaster must be aware of the Souls?#But even if not - even if this could be before all that - Flowey would still know about human Determination to an extent - being what he is#It wouldn't turn out well for anyone :) That's what makes it interesting ♪
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Panem Dashboard Simulator
(mostly Capitol + a few rebels tbh because who in the Districts has free internet access?)
👠 fashio-capitol-nista follow
I can't believe I just saw Perpetua in a yellow(!!!) maxi(!!!) dress. With feathers(!!!)
Honestly, we should just banish people to the districts for three absolute violations in one article of clothing. And - a maxi dress! No one's been wearing them since spring at least!
(Do you think she was trying to achieve something? So many things wrong could only have been purposeful...)
💎shimerring-gem1 follow
who's even named perpetua?????? is that a name?????
I do'nt think anyone was ever named that lolllll
👠fashio-capitol-nista follow
They're all such idiots tbh, her mother's hair is going gray and the woman's doing nothing about it. She probably thought it - xddd - pretty - to call her daughter rhat! Once I heard Pep explain to someone that it means "forever" or something, who even cares, but she's like that.
I mean - yellow! In Spring 2312!
💮 trying-to-be-a-voice-of-reason-here follow
Maybe she just doesn't care about every single fashion change?
👠fashio-capitol-nista follow
Here's someone to block y'all!
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🧜merbitch follow
Now with the games approaching, we're probably going to see an uptick in those rebel idiots complaining about imagined ethics ugh
🤍leiiii follow
You cannot force children to fight to the death and complain that people say it's evil
🧜merbitch follow
would you prefer millions of children die in literal wars??? you people pretend you're so high and righteous but you only care for that single 24 and no one else, because it suits your propaganda purposes!
🍭 quintiasquee follow
besides those kids get to experience the luxuries of the capitol so on the whole they're actually better off for it haven't you seen the transmissions of the reapings?? they fight for the chance to compete!
#I mean I know people *here* who would gladly take part if they could #it's a honor for them but ofc you don't *really* care
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👾storiee follow
omx I hate the commercialisation of the games though
#it's sick that whether someone lives or dies is decided by how well they present on camera #it's a death game for goodness sake what can you not understand #saltierthanpretzels
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⚡colormedazzled follow
Didd you just see the district 12 tributes!!!!????
🩴mamie43 follow
omx, YES!
💥hg-liveblogging follow
I did not have "the D12 tributes actually have good costumes" on my bingo for this year!!!!
👑totallyqn follow
Peeta needs to win this I wanna marry him
#if only I had more money I would totally sponsor him #but I'm saving for a Dom Meren tote bag ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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☁️dreamofme follow
do you wanna hold my hand as we ride a flaming chariot into glorious battle?
#i would die.... #ahhhh to be her...
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🔱best-hunger-games-liveblog follow
Peeta is in love with Katniss???!!!!!!!
WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT
👑totallyqn follow
You broke my heart just now 💔💔💔💔
#I am totally cheering for that bitch to die in the cornucopia #and tbh I don't care about Peeta either anymore #*chants* Marvel Marvel Marvel
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🪺bluet follow
You know what, after Rue's death I don't know if I want to watch anymore... I feel sick. Idk but after I saw her... and the flowers... and then the shop windows with children's clothes and roses. It feels as if she was just like all the children here.
Edit: please stop sending me anon hate
Edit: death threats, really?
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💥hg-liveblogging follow
Did they just change the rules of the freaking GAMES
💥hg-liveblogging follow
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🌈 sjfhiefjf follow
I'm telling you this will be the end of our country.
👤 rebelforlife follow
and good riddance to it!
🫦 qu33n follow
can you report for sedition on tumblr
#i need to know #we've digital ids that the gov knows right
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#The 'Perpetua' exchange was honestly a self-indulgent reference for me#st. Perpetua being a martyr who died in a Roman arena and the Capitol definitely styling itself as Rome#but also just literally ignoring huge chunks of history#but never mind me#I've had this in my drafts for moths now#and since I'm reblogging a lot of stuff rn I've decided to finish it *shrug*#thg#the hunger games#the capitol#dashboard simulator#original post
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he's so important to me
#i guess i need to watch the anime but super's manga has just been a self-indulgent fever dream for me from start to finish#100000/10 absolutely perfect so validating so extremely catered to my tastes and headcanons and analyses and humor#so fucking funny and emotional and intense and goofy and beautifully drawn#my beautiful son getting to finally fucking see his HARD won character growth fucking shine and choose love and choose to be loved!!!!!!#Goku just being Goku Vegeta being Team Dad Piccolo being Team Grandpa Bulma being a fucking superstar keeping everybody organized and fed#god i love this squad i love this series i love these dumbasses and their struggles and their triumphs and their stupid childish bonding#I love that Toriyama just spent the last several years reminding the class that DB as a whole has always been an ACTION-COMEDY about LOVE#and I'm SO sad that the z anime really never did it justice in that sense because of having to fill time with dramatic tension but god. GOD#THE MANGA HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO CLEAR ON THAT THESIS.#Just all about Restorative Justice and Community and CARING even when you wish SO MUCH that you didn't care but yoU DO GODDAMMIT!!!#SUCH a great series I'm so sad it took losing mr t for me to finally read it but my god I needed to read it now and I'm so glad he wrote it#and i'm SO glad he wrote it Exactly Like This#once again rip to a legend i'm caught up and crying it's so perfect it's SO everything I've wanted to see onscreen and embedded in canon#and canon isn't everything but it still feels gREAT to be SO 1:1 on the same page with an author re: how you interpret your blorbo yknow???#been rotating this man in my head for 25 years and Mr Toriyama just mWAH kissed me on the forehead about it#anyway enough tag rambles I'm off again aklsjla#bonus for that kenpachi shit and letting him say 'sorry dude I can't be cold and numb anymore but this is still cathartic as fuck lol' like#mr t i hope you see the HIGHEST tier of heaven for that (and obviously for like everything all of it the whole life you led)#dbtag
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this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑
#yes this is a nel/vas drawing get off me😂#text#i wanted everyone to see it but also since i draw on paper in total silence i think a lot about everything so i wanted to voice some -#- thoughts too's. tbh i've been veeery self indulgent lately#actually i'm happy that n*lv*s is getting actual hits out of me that i like looking at#especially on-paper stuff that i can recall being fun for me to draw. all traditional art is fun to draw#and digital has turned into an actual task for me (only sometimes tho maybe i;m lying.. mspaint we're still bffs)#i think i just don't see the joy in trying to scrap up a ''' finished ''' piece in an art program .. pencil i love you and i love the -#- feeling of it scratching along the paper....sigh............ Rabu#i don't want my blog or thoughts to turn into traditional art suck-off ventures bc ik not everyone can get into it for many possible -#- reasons but if u feel like it U can ok? do it for Pencil✏��� and for me? for silusvesuius? 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚#but Lord i hope i don't also come off as one of those people that r like 'to improve in art just draw that one fictional character u -#- rly like 😂😂' bruh gtfo my face with that.#i'm noticing 'improvement' in my stuff mainly...i think... because i'm always striving to impress#not so much other people that are here just for my art but more so myself#i have a very huge ego (Mind Battle)#also it makes me sad to think about how big egos or genuine (not obnoxious) flauntiness are looked down on#and i can tell bc i used to look down on people that would express the things i'm expressing now#especially in art focused spaces. now i'd rather be in a circle of artists that love to J*rk off their own brain for it's ideas -#-and talent than be w/ very self-conscious artists that are never expressing pride about any of their work#worse if it's to the point where they actively start to fish for compliments bc of it#fishing for compliments is always OK i just wish it didn't stem from insecurity in that context if that makes sense#but maybe that's very easy for me to say and admit bc i did develop a very big ego around my art and ... Creativity? like it's a sims skill#not that i still don't seek out 'attention' or compliments from others to soothe myself but hmmmmmm i hope u feel me.#it just turns me into a very competitive person#who am i competing with? Myself#i'm always in 'you can do better Because you're YOU' mode#which is much better i believe than comparing yourself 2 other artists#i don't think a lot of people read my tag ramblings but if u do i wonder how one feels about a very pompous artist#like me .......(?)
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sevchino req!!! wanna see protective arle to the children please,,,,,,father in action raahhhh
you and me BOTH anon 🥺🥺🥺 ......................
protective || sevchino
cw. none (?)
notes. yeah i like bullying pantalone (and not in a fun way like a bully rahu). sue me. also super self indulgent with no consistent pov dshjjdfhk
"My, my. What's a little girl like you doing in a place like this, hm?"
Estelle hugs the little bear closer to her chest. Her father had told her to stay in the office, but she was taking so long, and it was starting to get lonely...
She lifts her eyes up from the ground to look at the man crouched before her. He has long, dark hair that reminds her of her father's with how soft it looks. He has a polite smile on his face, but it doesn't reach his eyes. And his eyes—something about them made her nervous.
"I'm here with my father," she answers quietly, squeezing her toy. "I was supposed to stay in the office, but..."
The man clicks his tongue. "Tsk. Poor little thing, did your father leave you behind?"
Estelle bites her lip. Should she answer him? Father always told her not to speak with strangers, but it's been so long, and she wants to go home. She knows she'd begged her father to let her tag along, but now, all she wants to do is go home to her mother and Noé.
So she nods, looking back down at the ground. The man sighs, and rises back to his full height. He's tall, towering over her, and the way the lights backlight his form makes Estelle reflexively take a step back. He looks down at her down the bridge of his nose, the silver rim of his glasses glinting.
"Then how about I help you find her, hm?" he asks. "I think I know exactly who your father is."
Despite her apprehension, Estelle brightens. "Really?"
"Really," he nods. His white cloak parts, and he extends a gloved hand to her. But before he can take her smaller hand in his own, an arc of pure, blistering flame snakes around the girls feet, creating a protective, blazing wall. But around the girl, the fires cool, warm and comforting instead of threatening.
Footsteps echo like thunder down the hall, and the man tucks his hand back into his cloak, those dangerous eyes turning sharp, and a venomous grin creeping onto his face.
"We meet again, Knave," he sneers. Estelle turns, and standing behind her, expression twisted into a level of fury she's never seen before, is her father. A blood-red wing pulses over her left shoulder, flickering and shifting in the light. In her father's hand is a mean-looking red scythe, radiating a furious, hungry aura.
"Stay away from my daughter, Regrator," Arlecchino snarls, practically vibrating with rage. She keeps her eyes trained on the other Harbinger as she kneels down, and Estelle runs into her waiting arm. Pantalone watches it all with a deceptively placid smile.
"You know," he hums, "she has her eyes."
Arlecchino glares at him with enough fury to kill a normal man. But as much as she loathes the waste of breath before her, he is still a Harbinger, and Harbingers have always been far from normal.
"Do not speak of my wife," she says lowly, dangerously, cradling Estelle against her chest. Estelle tucks her head beneath her father's chin, one small hand winding tight in her father's jacket and the other clutching her bear plushie. The little thing's fur is slightly singed. Then, her father's gaze shifts from the man and to her, and her eyes soften. "Are you alright, starshine?"
Estelle nods, snuggling closer against her father's warmth. Arlecchino presses a soft kiss to her forehead, then turns back to Pantalone. She dispels her scythe, but it does not make her any less deadly. She considers, briefly, ripping the man before her to shreds; but Estelle takes priority, and she'd hate for her daughter to have to witness such violence, so she turns on her heel and walks away instead.
She will ensure the Regrator understands that her family is off limits in other ways.
#sevchino#arlecchino#the sevchino lore ft. pantalone is weirdly personal because EYE was once taken advantage of by someone older while i was functionally a kid#the damage to my psyche was significant but at least now i can heal by imagining arle being willing to throw hands for me 😌😌#selfshipping can actually be such a healing thing#i actually considered like. a little bit of an extension but i thought i feel like that mightve been TOO self indulgent even for yours trul#it was going to be like pantalone saying 'i had her first' and arle responding 'yet i'm the one she married' or smtg like that#but then i was like nah this is enough for one day LOL#pants is still salty about arle pulling up and yoinking me because he functionally viewed me as someone he owned in a sense#and pants hates getting his things stolen as we see in yelan's stories#im rambling now shdksjdh anyway tq for asking for more sevchino <333#i get so excited when i see them in my inbox frfr#i prommy i am working on the others; they r just very long and honestly i keep them there to stare at them and kick my feet and giggle LOL
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Quick, throw a smoke bomb!
#art#fanart#palia#palia reth#palia oc#aggressively bonking them together NOW KISS#asleep ocs#yes this is a ych#i'm just being self indulgent with it rn
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so, the most recent novel i managed to actually finish writing, three long years ago, was the book of my absolute lifelong dreams and most of the time i just leave it sitting on my computer and pretend it doesn't exist because i feel too tenderly about it and i'm too proud of it and it's agony to me. these feelings are, for whatever reason, unbearable hell. but like once a year i work up the courage to reread it, and every time i'm like, "god DAMN! who wrote this?? this is exactly what i've wanted to read my whole life!!!!!!! it's simply delightful!" and then i remember that oh yeah, it's me!
#i feel like i should vow to try to query this thing like 50 times just because i love it so much and i owe it to my own love of it#and then when i get rejected because it's 155k and that's insane (but it NEEDS TO BE!) i can at least say i tried#i don't get what it says about me that i wrote the book of my dreams and now i'm too embarrassed so i pretend it doesn't exist#instead of trying to get it published#as it is apparently my lifelong goal to be a published novelist#why is my brain wired this way!??!?!?!?!#i think i'm just too scared that everyone else will hate it and it will hurt my feelings too much because it's so me#it is truly and completely my sweet little baby#and it has the same word count as jane austen's emma which i only discovered after i finished writing it#fate!!!!!!!#dollsome's deep thoughts#it's my birthday so i'm allowing myself this really self-indulgent post#getting older and still never being a (non-self-) published novelist: the story of me
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Thinking about how most of the time when you have the option to stay quiet during a companion quest you get approval for letting them handle it and sometimes even get disaproval for talking over them
And then with Shadowheart's quest speaking up with Viconia not only gives a +5(while *keep silent* gives nothing) but also if you don't do that she will look genuinely scared when Viconia asks you to hand her over
#girl just wants someone to love her and stand up for her😭#I've been choosing to stay silent for all my pt's since I'm so used to letting the companions handle their own quests#so I always get the scared look at Viconia's offer#which is heartbreaking but makes perfect sense#she's spent most of her life being used and abused by her caretakers whose love was so desperate for#of course when confronted with that trauma she's gonna have a moment of doubt in regards to the person she loves now#but turns out just standing up for her beforehand cuts that panic short!#anyway I just think it's a very interesting character detail that having someone vocally have her back#is more important than leading the confrontation herself#bg3#shadowheart#also not to get overly self-indulgent#but you know that one poem about how to the author being butch means this feeling of chivalry towards other girls?#that feeling is part of why this romance works so well for me#Shadowheart isn't weak and she is the hero of her own story#but you do kinda get to be her knight in shining armor so to speak you know?#larian did a great job of balancing that with still making sure she has enough agency and stands on her own#and without ever making it feel like the romance is mainly geared towards men#I appreciate that
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"For a self-proclaimed researcher... I thought you'd know by now that Psychic-types are weak against Ghost." "Morty-ehehe! B-But I'm nohohot a type specialist!" "Maybe should've thought of that first before deciding to wake me up so early."
A spiritual successor to this lil doodle of mine 🫣💖💕
#sacredshipping#morty x eusine#morty/eusine#gym leader morty#morty pokemon#eusine#mystery man eusine#eusine pokemon#pokemon tickle#'tis the season to be giggly or however that song goes askjdasnd//////////////////#pretty much a self-indulgent treat for myself this holiday season SDKJFSNKDFNS it's been real quiet this time 'round#I honestly don't usually look forward to christmas anyways since I have some bad memories tied to it :'D though it has been exceptionally--#--all over the place this year; partly on the busyness and errands being run on my household's side--#--though mainly on my own headspace and how I haven't.............. been great- these past few months#December in particular has been a time of reflection for me and it's just--been a lot - to grapple with#I needed to distance myself from things to try to make sense of myself---and still - I'm not quite sure where to go from here just yet#but I'll figure it out - one day. I finally do have a schedule with that new psychologist so that's something to look forward to#and I'm trying to get my bearings where I am now so--that's at least something to be grateful for I feel ❤️#got a bit sad there so I deserve to draw my sillies being tickly as a gift for myself yes yes akjsdajsknd#I've always wanted to draw a lee!Eusine ever since he's been implanted in my mind graaaaaaAAAHHHHHHHHHH /affectionate#let them be soft and sweet and domestic and silly with each other it's what they deserve 🫵🫵🫵
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Under the cut are mostly self-insert doodles of decreasing quality. Again, not much directly tied to Team Fortress 2. Might as well toss these out while I have no access to my puter. Much yapping under the cut and in the tags incoming.
Another self-insert, this time less of a "here's me as a tenth class" and more of a "here's my game experiences translated into the class I would take the place of". The Cleaner. Although I guess they could still be wearing either suit. It doesn't matter that much.
That one Convict's Case taunt with Backup would be extremely funny, because the man would be on the verge of a breakdown (he does not want to go to jail so bad you have no idea). The second image- I owe no explanation. You know what I am. You see the pattern with my favourites.
The duality of the man. Resting face versus "just heard you express interest in religion/Russian folklore" face. He's not that hard to make friends with, when you pull him away from all the explosions.
Some doodles of trying to figure his face out. Unfortunately, the more I stare at him, the more I worry that he looks like A Certain Guy With The Last Name "Kazarin", and the fear of never being original in my life caught up to me.
Don't look at me, don't perceive me, I refuse to explain any of my actions to you.
#team fortress 2#tf2#that's it that's the only tags i am putting this in. maybe someday i will have the balls to do more but for now that's about it#while i have the chance - and since posts with more of my yapping in the tags don't pop in people's feeds much - i might as well ramble-#-about these guys here. self-inserts or not i'm projecting only half of my bullshit on each one of them. creativity 👍#backup is tall and pale and has sharp canines and more of a dull brown hair colour with tired grey eyes. no amount of babyface or soft-#-hands can really help a motherfucker when he's grimacing so much because he just Hates being around half the people on the team.#cleaner meanwhile is on the shorter side and has constantly flushed skin and brighter colours and whatnot. you can't see it because of the-#-mask most of the time but they do smile a lot more and have a more cheery disposition towards life and see the whole team as their friends!#backup transitioned fully (albeit not very legally lmao) and is scared shitless of not being seen as a man although the last time that ever-#-came up was years ago. he holds onto his last name as part of the heritage he loves and loathes at the same time - attached to his culture-#-and religion and bloodline while also resentful of his family and the regime he knows someone else on the team suffered under.#cleaner just kinda binds and calls it a day. he only does it to confuse the team because while he doesn't identify with being a girl he-#-loves the confused looks his epic gender reveal moment gets. they do not remember their family name or where they grew up or what even got-#-them to this kind of mental state. and he's chill with it he values the here and now way more than some dark edgy backstory.#backup despite trying to be an honest man is afraid of vulnerability as well. he stubbornly refuses to express love towards certain people-#-lest they feel disgusted and turn away. he's afraid of consequences afraid of losing the people he loves afraid of his ''interests'' being-#-what drives them away. it doesn't by the way and he just wasted time being a cold indecisive loser for several months lmao#cleaner wears a suit that hides all of them yes but they pretty much never lie. he is always his truest self and he can always just burn-#-people who don't like him enough to make it a problem. they are a lot more comfortable indulging in their interests - be they innocent-#-and juvenile or violent and dangerous. he is quite open with his affection and his fascinations that backup would rather keep secret.#i want to establish that these two can only exist in separate universes because they both have feelings towards the funny assistant lady-#-and the funny inventor guy (selfshipping for the winnn) and would fight over those two. cleaner would win by the way#it's also a really funny point of comparison. cleaner is objectively more fucked up than backup and still managed to be more normal about-#-their feelings and live as a healthier and happier person than that guy. comedic gold honestly#OKAY I'M DONE if you read up to here you get uhhh a cookie :-)
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I hadn't sat down to rewatch s2 in a while and now that I'm doing it (for pure entertainment purposes but also for ref for a fic I'm not even working on yet as I have been run down by the VtM doctor superion AU after writing the gen VtM WN AU ahem) I'm kind of amazed at how the feelings are all still there. The excitement, the laughter, the hatred I have for Vincent...
Ah, this show. There is nothing like it.
#silly blabbering#i just felt like sharing. i even like ava more this time around -- when i first watched s2 i only came round to her by the end#but this time i'm rooting for her from the start so THAT is an interesting difference#(which doesn't apply to s1 lol i had been rewatching it to take screencaps for icon making and yeah. far from being my fave)#the jillian and suzanne love only grows i must say. ahhh them...#anyway. about the doctor superion vtm au. it's... it's going at an insane pace tbh. i have 16 pages done already lol#i'm a slow writer so that is... A LOT in three days. and i should do at least one or two more in a bit#i'm putting poor jillian through a shitshow tbqh but it will be worth it! i hope!!!! it's self-indulgent as fuck#which is a weird thing to say considering the misery i'm writing but i've just loved vtm for nearly 20 years now so i'm indulging in that
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officially 10K into this fic and having a realization about where I'm at on characterization so far, so i'm wondering:
#N posts stuff#i'm like. this first draft is really the writing equivalent of layout sketching: which characters are where / what's the scene About#with the expectation that the second draft will have the building blocks there to build up specific characterization further#but i'm realizing that i am in fact SO broad strokes on the characters so far that i'd need to do extensive studying#of the source material to really hammer in the characterization in a way that i would be satisfied with. a task that at this point#likely wouldn't be very fun. so i had a moment of 'oh idek if i'll be able to finish writing this fic :(' and got sad about it#which was where the 'oh. actually if i'm That loose on characterization right now I could just. shift the characters in#Whatever ways i want them to go and just make them OCs instead of fanfic...' which would actually be like. technically speaking#a Lot more fun bc this fic is so self-indulgent that i keep having moments where i'm pulling back on other elements i'd want to#incorporate into the fic bc 'if it's Too self-indulgent with numerous headcanons it won't be Good to fandom readers'#(ie the character who would Really vibe being a furry and the other begging to be a tgirl)#it Might wind up being something we do no matter what but i am still curious if there would be like. an actual audience for it#and not just something i'm doing all for myself lol; i used to make a LOT of ocs but haven't really done it in Years nd Years#i had a 'no way' moment but i Have had multiple people tell me they read my fics Regardless of whether they've seen source#material or not. so tentatively hopeful the answer is yes? but i'm curious :3
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SIGH you know what's so frustrating????? i keep being stuck on that nsfw viktuuri fic (or like i keep writing it in tiny bits bcs i just can't get a good writing flow going) and i think what would rlly help me would be having sb read what i have so far and like!! consult it w me and give me encouragement and stuff. but. the yoi buds i do have are either not into nsfw stuff (totally fair) or i'm not close enough with to ask for something like that AND ALSO I AM SO AFRAID OF BEING JUDGED ESPECIALLY SINCE THE THING IS JUST A DRAFT THAT I KNOW NEEDS FIXING IN A FEW ASPECTS
#i've been writing this for over a year now pls help me...... i love the fic and really want to get it out there but it's such a struggle#gif of lamenting emoji disintegrating#btw i am afraid both of my writing being judged and of my total self-indulgence being judged 👍 so that's fun#CHANTING FIC IS MEANT TO BE SELF-INDULGENT FIC IS MEANT TO BE SELF-INDULGENT YOU HAVE NO ONE TO ANSWER TO#i don't even feel bad about it for myself but then as soon as other people some into the picture suddenly i have catholic guilt or whatever#(in reality i'm just traumatized by fandom drama and people being judged for their preferences esp those concerning smut)#neptalks
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Me upon realizing that I can just have an AU instead of writing an entire fanfiction about an idea I had in my head once:
#i didn't even realize this was a possibility until today#i don't want to like. write a whole fanfiction. i have an outline in the works and i theoretically COULD. but.#unfortunately i like the idea of all the random events happening in my head instead <3#and an AU means that i can just continue to throw things in whenever i want forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and THAT is the beauty of an AU i think#i also feel like it'd let me play with the worldbuilding aspects a bit more than a fanfiction????#one time i had to write a short story for class like... many moons ago...#when i say that i really mean “right before covid hit” but regardless#the story ended up being ten pages long bc i was building the world. i still think about that. like. girl?#you really put your heart and soul into 10th grade english didn't you#i remember that assignment so vividly because my friend was like “holy guacamole iiboronii i'm not reading all of this”#(peer review you know the drill)#but honestly i was just glad that our teacher let us have a creative writing assignment shoutout to my tenth grade english teacher#anyways i'm calling it an AU now but i will not be telling anybody what it is about because. well.#it's just really really REALLY self indulgent and has like. nothing to do with the plot of the lorax LMFOJGOA;JFAD;JG#i'm checking the google doc now i'll come back if i decide that i want to share#we'll see xoxo
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