#now I feel like my body is burning
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Nothing Girl! But... Different!
Designs for a hypothetical Nothing Girl comic drawn in a more traditional format. Smiles an actual raggedy doll, Bad Seed is a bit more rooted and things are a bit sweeter and harsher
#bones rattle#nothing girl comic#smile the mannequin#smile lee dahl#bad seed#millie nasty#agony the reaper#nothing girl new#my ocs#skelearts#theres like a lot different w everyone#millie is much more ambivalent and laid back#agony a bit more job focused and burned by the passage of time#bad seed is much closer to her roots in being antagonistic and silly#smile has a much stranger relationship w her mom and her own body#shes made mods to it but shes still Eldridge in there so she has mixed feelings about her appearance#she wears a nightgown almost all the time and doesnt put as much effort into her appearance anymore#her and millie are exes but like for millie its on good terms. smile has feelings about it#theyre coworkers now at the coffee shop in the clouds and she brings bad seed in to gain some sunlight and be amongst people#smile puts a lot of work into caring for bad seed who is v resistant and would rather root in misery#thered still be god chicanery but in a much more ominous way#okay thats my ted talk ill keep a bit quiet about this till i can sketch something up#idk whats gonna happen w nothing girl classic i may finish it but the drive has been a bit lost#time will tell but if youve read the original version youll know a lot about this newer one..
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thinking about scars...
#do the scars look 'realistic'? beats me!#atla#atla art#atla fanart#avatar the last airbender#zuko#song atla#was thinking about all the characters in atla w/ visible scars. and there's also aang (his back) and bato (his chest + arm)#but i got lazy and couldn't figure out how bodies work lol so it's just song and zuko for now#first time i've ever drawn zuko. still dunno how i feel about it#but the scar bit was the hardest bc i wanted to do my own interpretation of it and i always figured that baby was Melted#also i copped outta this one idea i had but- while drawing zuko's scar i used reference images (obvs)#and it made me think 'hm. y'know that scar looks roughly the shape of someone's hand. the curve of the palm over the eye mainly'#but i wasn't gonna redo my lineart about it bc i hate doing lineart so i just. sat on the thought of a burning palm pressed against his fac#anyway#i've also never drawn bare feet before. an experience i tell you h'what!#but idk what song's hand is doing. it's just sorta...There? but i'm counting it as a win that i even bothered doing that so!#my art#this isn't ship art btw. song was kind and empathetic and This asshole was like 'i'm gonna steal her ostrich horse'. boo! 2 thumbs down!!
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I’m allowed one (1) vent of the colossal amounts of pressure my body and mind are under per month and i usually do my best to bury it in the early hours of the morning, so now that i’ve provided this valuable and important context:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#my stuff#i need to be beaten to death i need to be eaten alive i need to be slashed and stabbed and burned to ash#nothing i do will ever EVER be enough to make up for the existential guilt that gnaws at my soul#i’m hungry i’m tired i’m stressed about work and the safety and well-being of my family and friends#i miss my goddamn ex over a year after the end of a 6 month relationship like a pathetic wretch#i will never be pretty the way i wanted to be as a child and can only make myself enough of a freak that i don’t care#i want to be brutally harmed so the flesh of my body will show a fraction of the damage i feel inside#these wounds do not heal no matter how much i try to treat them with friendship and food and music and life#it is all insufficient. i was not supposed to live this long.#i try every day to be kind and to make the world a better place so that maybe just maybe i can say i earned the right to live that day#it never feels like enough. it probly never will#i’m so angry i’m so sad i feel incurable lonely no matter how much time i spend with friends#as soon as the call is over or i head home the darkness washes right back in and i feel like an abandoned cat on the roadside again#i want everything to be okay. It’s not right now#i want everyone i love to be warm to be safe to have enough to eat but I AM NOT GOD#i can’t fix everything no matter how much it makes me writhe inside#i’m a broke fucking grad student with a useless fucking project and they should bury me alive in the field research camp#perhaps a vegetable would cause less despair
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Officially asked my manager to be cross-trained to bartending! He’s going to talk to the bar manager to see if they have the hours to give. 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼
Also I called my bank and worked out a financial hardship thing for my credit card. It’s maxed out and I can’t even afford the monthly payments themselves. I had heard it was possible to work out a deal with your bank (depending on your bank), where you close out the account but the APR goes to zero or almost zero, and the monthly bill is greatly lowered. Well they did have that option, but they offered something even better where my account is just restricted for a year - I can’t use the card at all and my monthly payments went from almost $700 to $300 and the APR from 19.5% to 1%; but then after a year everything goes back to normal! So I don’t have to take a hit to my credit score or close my oldest line of credit, and I can use the next year to get as much paid off as possible.
Considering that, and the fact that I owe my FIL $2000 in backpay for rent when I was unemployed, and the fact that I’m still working only part time (hopefully only for a short while longer though with this bartending request), I think 2025 is going to be a “no spend” year. 😅
It’s freeing to “not have” a credit card though. Like I still have the payments and I’ll get it back eventually, but just the fact that I literally can’t use it no matter how much I want for a full year. I need this lol. I haven't been credit-cardless since I was a teenager, and I've honestly never been good with money regardless. I need to friggin learn. Tbh it would probably best to not have it at all but I don't want to do that to my credit history if I don't have to. I should just cut the card up.
Ooh speaking of money, I got just got a Meowtel request! 🙌🏼😸 Would be surcharged too since it would be New Years. 🤑
#just a shift or two a week of bartending would be great#the tips would be so helpful#but maybe eventually I just bartend? 🙃👀#also going back to the plasma center tomorrow now that my tattoo is old enough#sellin muh body!! lol#there’s a light at the end of the financial tunnel though#lil far away still but there nonetheless#but i WILL be either a bartender or a medical coder; this much is true#probably both - either a day job & night job at the same time or bartending only FT and then medical coding once i burn out#but bartending calls to me so much and i want to do it while i'm still young so it's hard to put my focus anywhere else (ie CPC studying)#i feel like when i'm at work i'm often longingly looking over at our bar lmao#mine
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The mirror shows me a strangers face and my skin fits wrong and I have been sobbing for hours and it is so bad it is so bad it’s so bad I wwant to wake up I hate it here I hate this body I hate it here I hate it here I hate it here
#this feels like an anxiety attack I feel so fucking distressed being in this body I hate it here I hate it here#i hat e it here I hate it here I hatw it here I hate it here I hatw it wherw I hate it here#eveeything is so wrong#it’s all so wrong#it’s so disgustingly wrong I hate it it feels so fucking wrong I can’t stand the mirror I can feel it even now in the way my skin fits and#where my bones rest and how the muscle wraps around them it’s all so wrong I hate it I hate it I hate it#my face is wrong and my everything is wrong everything is wrong everything in g is wrong#hate it here#pyre would fix me#burning into ashes would fix me#pyre when
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bad news, I think I developed a serious case of ED, that may have been provoked by my meds
#I don't feel hunger. at all. it scares me. and when I try to eat something my body revolts EVEN IF THAT'S LITERALLY MY FAVOURITE FOOD.#I almost cried from shame today when my plate was full of food and I couldn't eat even 1/4 of it#I don't throw up. I used to feel nauseous for at least 2 weeks but... now I don't feel anything. literally anything.#the only way I know that my body needs food is when I feel something burning a little in my stomach.#I hate this. I can only drink water and tea without feeling like an empty neurotic shell.#I want this to end so badly. I want to enjoy eating food again. I hope I'll make it out this time.#I'm so tired of being on the verge of death for the last two years.#I almost died from pneumonia this year. I still have a damaged lung. and epilepsy on top of that. I don't want to die. I DON'T WANT TO DIE.#sorry. it's just... I'm so tired. I'm so. so tired.
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almost forgot about this. made as soon as i finished reading day 48 and booted down my laptop . good god. not quite sure what happened with this. it was something to the effect of 'oh. god he really loved didn't he.' in full force AGAIN. the parts of banging on the door, doors in general, just carmen as a whole other thing, the yelling, the want to die to sink to be forgotten. yeah. that was a trip. carmen... i know you meant well with your words but he took it LITERALLY......
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#ayin lobcorp#I WAS. SO UPSET WHEN I WAS MAKING THIS is so sketchy and a mess but i wasnt able to clean it up because of just how upset i was#actual physical emotional pain in my body. couldnt. croid. LMAOO yeah#god just thinking back on it again..#he was the one to find her. her in the water. in the bath. in her own blood (?)#banged and yelled and called out her name knowing it was pointless#not wanting to open that door because he knew what was on the other side#yet yanking like a madman on the handle to try and force it open#calling out her name and the only audible response being the running water#desperation fear hurt hurt open the door god open the door please have it shut i dont want to see whats on the other side#and it opened. it opened. her eyes wont open again though. they wont#he was alone when doing this to righr??? right???? just him at a door probably forcing himself against it until his body aches until the#door opens. would his knuckles have burned? would his arms have ached? his throat started to feel as if it were falling apart?#for a man who was one to be stated of few words#to now yell at the door wanting so desperately for it to open yet stay forever shut to be blind to the result#it mustve. it mustve burned.#how long was it? how long did it feel like it was?#anyways yeah. uhm. haha..#I WANT TO MAKE A WHOLE POST JUST BEING A not quite analysis i dont think anything like this could be called analysis ON ALL THE As#aughhhhfhh i fell in love with him sorry. i really really like him. and. everyone else too. man i just love lobcorp
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How self-insert-y do I want to get with this new oc 🤔
#okay SO she's a former priestess (read: beaurocrat) in training#but then she gets irreversibly possessed by a mild-mannered raccoon monster and they have to coexist while their#shared body is breaking down under the strain of trying to keep up with its two inhabitants (human and monster)#the question is: what do they latch onto as a diversion#a way to expend the new excessive energy that is literally slow-cooking them alive (they get fevers & they have insomnia)#(and the only way for them to survive long-term is to find SOMETHING TO DO that will burn that energy)#my original idea was to have them get into a board game and I had a whole plan for that. but it didn't feel quite right#and now I'm eyeing the idea that they might..... do pottery#would that be self-indulgent?? probably?? but also it's so cool and it would be perfect for themmmm#what plot would work with that though?? HMMMM#PONDERING#MUSING#ET CETERA#Robin speaks#new oc is already so much like me. do I Really want to make her a potter too
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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal
#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept#i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them#if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens#i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it#i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut#it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair#my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking#if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back#if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off#ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal#but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends#i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens#and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too#since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out#i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now#now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that#i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill#in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it#my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes#sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested#i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore#i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world
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(Going insane boinkinh one AU in my head)
Hey hey hey
May I interest you in
(Slowly slides my FaaF AU towards you but void just Disappears without a trace one day before the accolade)
Teehee
#thylacines can talk#faaf au#i love this au very yummy. a very fun twist on how Flower's dynamic with their parents would progress afterwards#the vessels live but the void exits their bodies in quite a violent manner (extreme pain and literally throwing up an entire person worth of#void). Flower was on guard duty and theyre found barely conscious in a pool of rapidly evaporating void. passes out seconds later#PK also had the displeasure of experiencing extene pain and burning as void forced its way out through his skin <3 And his moulds all melted#and evaporated. after the initial shock wears off theyre hit with “Oh No#the vessel“ and rush to find them. Well somebody else was already looking for the royal pair about this#Flower wakes up dazed and in pain in their father's workshop. their stomach hurts their throat burns and they feel lightheaded. the entire#place is considerably brighter than they remember and in they can hear two faint voices in the background but theyre too preoccupied with#examining their now pure white hand in shock to focus on anything else. until they hear their mother say “My wyrm they're awake” and#suddenly their parents are by their side. Now the two have no idea what void leaving their body might have done to them. Are they still#hollow? are they still dead? do they understand anything are they sentient? or was what was done pernament even without the void? do they#have the mind of a child if their sentience was restored? or do they remember anything? So WL stays by their side and helps them sit up#while their father goes to grab his tools. She's trying to keep them calm and comfort them but theyre still too disoriented to pay her much#attention. Until their father checks their breathing and they yelp audibly from the cool metal contacting their skin and suddenly they seem#much more alert. theyve never experienced true coldness before. PK quickly apologises and tries to be gentler with them. Theyre breathing#properly and they have a heartbeat. And he just pauses for a long while just. listening to their heart beating. Many emotions to be had#after the exam's over he asks them point blank how theyre feeling. And Flower looks up at him still seeming a little disoriented. and then#they lower their hand to their stomach and mutter 'My tummy hurts...a-and my throat burns'. It's to be expected after the way the void#left their body. so he goes to grab them some water and meds and they also ask for food and a mirror. And after he returns they just stare#at themself in the mirror and pull on their bangs for a while then blurt out 'I have your eyes' when PK asks if everything's okay. And he#and he almost chokes up as he replies 'Yeah...Yeah you do'. Flower eventually spins a lie that they remember everything but its all distant#and blurry. Like they were not aware until now. They figured it'd be better to not break their hearts#And now the three have to figure out how to be a family while PK is also scrambling to find a new solution to the infection#oops i meant to only give a brief rundown in the tags which is why it was in the tags. but i got too invested KDHDKFB
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pont pont vesszőcske
#this year just feels weird. im selfishly not saying ~rawr so awful or tragic#because there are things ive achieved this year that im proud of and that were long due#im so happy i did that masters course and im so glad i landed a job that pays well even though its torture on my nerveous system#my mind is forever free from academic guilt and pressure#and i can afford things that nourish my soul and body when they werent accessible before#so this is the firm acknowledgment of the fact that im lucky and have an objectively good life#part of which i was given and nice parts i actually worked my ass off for#and for the first time in my life im at a stage where its all … freestyle?? lmao like ok girl you did the things now find new things to do#and theres none hehehe just human connections that are harder to build than a cv or a thesis defense and doesnt only depend#on the effort i put in#but also on how the stars and planets are moving or idk#plus i just remembered how my sister told me that the reason why i kept procrastinating on my diploma was bc it was an excuse to not grow u#and now the universe is kicking my ass all year to make me realize that i need to change and grow and build a life i could settle in#because this bitch!!!! took 3 of my 4 closest friends and made them move countries and get married or in one case just simply get over me#and not to make everything about me but its how humans work okay so ofc im internalizing a lot of other tragedies as new signs#from the universe screaming at me#to get away from the parasocial bonds that give me so much joy but also affect me too much#like LAUGH AT ME all you want but ive been wanting to see ts live since 2009#and the only thing that kept me up in exam season at 4am was me and my friend sending outfit inspos to each other#like its silly i know but when that show got cancelled and i was hysterical i kneew the lesson was to grow up and stop investing so much#into lovely but also relatively short moments of my life#because i should be able to#look forward to other things after graduating than the eras tour but i WASNT okay#and i dont have to elaborate on how liam’s passing has been affecting me/us so i wont#but fuck that was a cruel reminder - to make things about me again- that though i can talk about this with friends on my phone#until my retina burns out or melts or idk what retinas do#i still dont have ANYONE in my phsyical proximity who would understand this pain and thats partially on me#and then my 85+yr old grandma got covid AGAIN for the 3rd time and my god she got better but in case i forgot she wont be with me forever#and i reached the tag limit so thats it anyway weird year very weird dont know what it wants from me#to the void
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The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire#unrelated#hm i should maybe add a tw to this#tw self injury#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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if anyone's curious how i'm going, due to a triple punch of insomnia, period, and chronic illness i've been awake for over 28 hours, have been too sick and/or in pain to leave bed since around 1 am, and feel like i'm living a waking nightmare ✌️
#and NONE of the cats are cuddling me which is honestly the biggest insult to injury#i'm feeling less Pain-stricken now - i think my biggest problem is the not sleeping rn#bc my eyes are fucking burning and i'm physically exhausted#and i know from experience that my 27 year old body feels like it's shutting down if i get less than 5 hours of sleep#but the problem is that despite all the Troubles and Exhaustion i'm still mentally Wide Awake#and i ALSO know from experience that just laying there waiting for sleep doesn't Do Anything for me#except actually make any sleep i do manage to get extremely fitful and actually make me feel Worse#personal grumblings#ironically today is SUPPOSED to be my day off work. but i agreed yesterday to come in today to help catch up on things#then i had to go 'actually nvm i'm Actually Fucking Dying rn'
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.
#i know this is just burnout#but i'm so frustrated with my own body like#the first two years of grad school i was taking 2 classes per semester#sometimes working 1-2 jobs at a time#and then sometimes speaking at conferences too#*while* still slowly working on my thesis#(admittedly not getting very far at all in the writing stage)#and it burned me out *so bad*#and now just taking one class and writing my thesis tires me out tremendously#sure i'm actually *writing* it now and making so much more progress#but i'm no longer working. or taking any other classes. i'll probably do more conference stuff later but...how did i do it all???#also i'm so behind in networking like???#where is my energy???#i can barely even do thesis work for my than 3-4 hours at most before i need to stop for the day..and that's on a good day#idk i feel like i make this post multiple times per year and nothing changes health wise lol#sorry i'm just sitting here in this coffee shop and i want to cry lol i feel so tired and unmotivated lol#grad school tag
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Living in a body with chronic pain is insane. I'm going about my day thinking: Wow! I'm in a lot of pain right now, is there something wrong? Did I hurt myself?
The answer is no, but the sack of flesh and blood I have been trapped in for two decades screams like a toddler in a grocery store. All because... uh... my dinner was too spicy?
#this post is brought to you by something called erythromelalgia apparently#for which my most common trigger is 'sleepy'#after which my body responds with enough pain to make it impossible to sleep#tbh calling this chronic feels like an overstatement I havent had a bad flare for a few months#but ow fuck my hands#fun fact about me: as a child I burned my hands so severely they had to be held open as they healed so they didn't seal themselves shut#now as an adult I get random flares where my hands feel like they're burning#and I find it very funny that those two facts are completely unrelated
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hi guys i'm posting again. as much as i love playing characters who have a self-preservation instinct it's so much EASIER to play characters who do not have one even at all especially in situations Like This
#cw:fire#c:megadungeon#cha:alessi#or really like alessi thinks they don't NEED a self-preservation instinct bc their saint and their holy purpose is preserving them#but it was so EASY to just be like 'yeah i charge into the burning building yeah i keep going deeper into the fire yeah i grab the searing-#hot door handle. there's a person in there who might possibly still be alive!' i didn't even have to THINK about it#and not even like. not even a person they KNEW especially well just A Person#and they still couldn't actually get her out alive :( but they still gave it all they had and still managed to get her body out#[i'm going to need to take this next two weeks (:() b4 we play to figure out how they feel about that. beyond 'angry at ragnarr']#i was getting a little worried in there tbh! 14 hp is not very much to end up with! but i didn't have to even consider turning around#and alessi wasn't even a little bit worried about it they knew they'd be fine#that's clerics <3 kings of getting into situations and getting other people out of situations and NOT getting themselves out of situations#and it's such a fun contrast w my other active megadungeon guy being salvador who DOES have the hit-da-bricks instinct#was introduced as the sole survivor of a tpk!#and the fun tension that gives w him being a guy who Does walk the edge of death frequently#and who HAS that castillian bravado and that bravery sword and who IS a bit of a risk taker even just for the sake of taking risks#but who also knows when to get the hell out of dodge bc if you want to stay alive you have to keep yourself alive. and for now he'd really#rather like to be alive!#cha:salvador#okay NOW i'm going shopping#love when meg puts me in a situation <3
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