#nothing will ever be as good i fear
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just finished the ghost stories english dub in 2 days
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I don't want to regret the way I lived
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#fanart#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuji itadori#gojo satoru#nobara kugisaki#nanami kento#choso kamo#junpei yoshino#jjk leaks#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#this idea started as a 2 part series . then my braincells decided to spark and supplied 7 PAGES#'did you sleep hina' no#ws looking up mentally stable things like 'who has died in jjk' smh i love my hyperfixation media im sooooo glad so many ppl r DEAD#i *could* have included more ppl but i think this is a good crew. this is a yuuji emotional support crew#also Was gna include his grandpa final panel but i Did Not Want To#he is implied through th dialogue#side note i donot like how i cn see this scenario playing out . ..yuuji this isnt ur stop u r monopoly voice Just Visiting ok >:(#anyway I broke my own heart with this and ik i hyped it up a lot but i hope that its not just me...#hope i did not hype it up fr nothing and no one else finds it devastating :((((( that would b humbling in the worst way#pls ...join the happy party train.......i hate it here i suffered pls :<<<<#also !!!! colours in this !! i cooked i fear . adding th first bit of warm hitting yuuji's face after th first 2 panels....#ive never had that kind of experience while drawing before it was wild . painful ! but wild.#the whole transition from p 2->3 might b the most emotionally moving piece ive ever made to me#not 2 sing my own praises tho i will shut up ! i wil. nap
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started playing tomb raider again and the. fucking woman brainrot is back
#i wish i'd known how good i was eating the first time i played underworld#amanda AND natla AND the doppelganger AND a tired late 30s lara#the sapphic energy radiating from this game.....i fear nothing like it will ever exist again#tess talks
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2024 art summary! it sure has been a year
#ever makes art#i bsky tweeted a bit but it feels weird talking there still so ill do my usual rambling into tags here :)c#i burned out super bad in the middle of this year for months where it felt like i couldnt draw anything good no matter how hard i tried#and the harder i tried the worst it felt - to the degree that i legitimately thought i wasnt going to be able to draw anything again#which sounds SO dramatic i know i know. but feelings arent always rational!!! and so many others things were going wrong at the same time#so it was strange putting together this year's art summary and realizing Huh. i did still have paintings to put in every space#that fear/anxiety spiral seems even sillier and more meaningless now that i have distance and proof of how irrational it was...#...but in reflection i'd like to think of it as proof that even when you feel at your worse it's worth it to keep trying...!!#after the Black Hole of Nothing i've been working every day on never ending doujin and xv anthology and orv sketchzine and merch#i can't say that i feel my artistic skills have like. improved or anything... but the passion i feel for the stories i read and#the stories i want to tell is still there!! and the happiness from getting to put form to those feelings large or small is worth it too#anyway......... lotta words to say tho i haven't posted much anymore and socmed is imploding and the world is dark#thank you very much for staying with me another year. i am - as ever - always grateful
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it is insane how normal i am medicated like. you mean this was an option the whole time. what
#theresbeen some hiccups like the first month i started to realize my work drive was 90% fear based#so ivehad to develop like actual work schedule and discipline thats not just 'everyone will hate me if i dont'#but its been working! now getting stuff done actually... feels.... good?#instead of like throwing water over one fire only to run to the next one#like before nothing was ever satisfying. i was always just running around panicked#now im like. okay this is what i have to get done today. yay! i finished it! now i go to bed. okay now its the next day#the only other thing ive noticed is ive become seemingly like. more. autistic acting.#like i get More fixated on my special interests now. i can think about something for hours straight instead of getting guilty and thinking#'oh im being greedy im being lazy with my time i should be doing something productive'
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If you're feeling an itch to rewatch some quality wwdits but don't feel like restarting from the beginning again I highly recommend starting with season 3, which was consistently good from start to finish. Really one of the best seasons there ever was. Peak television even. I mean it literally had it all: The Twilight Baseball Scene-style kickball game + Night Moves, the entirety of the trip to Atlantic City (especially the "but this is a turtle" nandor breakdown & the group napnaps), the hunt for The Sire and the 1st resurrection of the Baron, Laszlo's "I think I swallowed a harmonica", Collin's 100th birthday arc and Laszlo's early showings of affection and fatherly love. THE SLAP?!?!?! THE ENTIRETY OF THE WELLNESS CENTER?!???!? The fucking TRAIN STATION SCENE?!?!
Goddamn they spoiled us that season holy cow.
#7 episodes into it again and realizing how good we had it#nothing will ever live up to it i fear#wwdits#what we do in the shadows#guillermo de la cruz#nandor the relentless#nadja of antipaxos#laszlo cravensworth#collin robinson#nandermo#wwdits season 3#my stuff
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*sigh* thoughts on Nintendo's botw/totk timeline shenanigans and tomfoolery?
tbh. my maybe-unpopular opinion is that the timeline is only important when a game's place on the timeline seriously informs the way their narrative progresses. the problem is that before botw we almost NEVER got games where it didn't matter. it matters for skyward sword because it's the beginning, and it matters for tp/ww/alttp (and their respective sequels) because the choices the hero of time makes explicitly inform the narrative of those games in one way or another. it matters which timeline we're in for those games because these cycles we're seeing are close enough to oot's cycle that they're still feeling the effects of his choices. botw, however, takes place at minimum 10 thousand years after oot, so its place on the timeline actually functionally means nothing. botw is completely divorced from the hero of time & his story, so what he does is a nonissue in the context of botw link and zelda's story. thus, which timeline botw happens in is a nonissue. honestly I kind of liked the idea that it happened in all of them. i think there's a cool idea of inevitability that can be played with there. but the point is that the timeline exists to enhance and fill in the lore of games that need it, and botw/totk don't really need it because the devs finally realized they could make a game without the hero of time in it.
#i really do have a love-hate relationship with this timeline#because it's FASCINATING lore. genuinely. and i think it carries over the themes of certain games REALLY well#but i also think it's indicative of a trend in loz's writing that has REALLY annoyed me for a long time#which is this intense need to cling to oot#and on a certain level i get it. that was your most successful game probably ever. and it was an AMAZING game.#and i think there's definitely some corporate profit maximization tied up in this too--oot was an insane commercial success therefore you'r#not allowed to make new games we need you to just remake oot forever and ever#and that really annoys me because it makes certain games feel disjointed at best and barely-coherent at worst.#i think the best zelda games on the market are the ones where the devs were allowed to really push what they were working with#oot. majora. botw. hell i'd even put minish cap in there#these are games that don't quite follow what was the standard zelda gameplay at their time of release. they were experimental in some way#whether that be with graphics or puzzle mechanics or open-world or the gameplay premise in its entirety. there's something NEW there#and because the devs of those games were given that level of freedom the gameplay really enforces the narrative. everything feels complete#and designed to work together. as opposed to gameplay that feels disjointed or fights against story beats. you know??#so I think that the willingness to allow botw and totk to exist independently from the timeline is good at the very least from a developmen#standpoint because it implies a willingness to. stop making shitty oot remakes and let developers do something interesting.#and yes i do very much fear that the next 20 years of zelda will be shitty BOTW remakes now#in which botw link appears and undergoes the most insane character assassination youve ever seen in your life#but im trying to be optimistic here. if botw/totk can exist outside the timeline then we may no longer be stuck in the remake death loop#and i'm taking eow as a good sign (so far) that we're out of the death loop!! because that game looks NOTHING like botw or oot.#fingers crossed!!#anyway sorry for the game dev rant but tldr timeline good except when it's bad#asks#zelda analysis
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Bluepoch gave us the gift of barely-subtext tragic sapphic-centric media do NOT throw that away.
Context regarding PJSK and Undertale under cut.
Project Sekai cast is dominated by female characters but mlm is more popular, meanwhile Undertale has canon wlw rep and oh my god they’re at the bottom. I have nothing against these fandoms or media (I’m literally currently/was in them) but yeah. I just HOPE r99 doesn’t end up in a similar state.
#mochagaming#if r99 ever gets even more popular and people somehow manage to out-yaoi the yuri i may actually buy a gun#‘write more yuri then’ I AM <3 AND LETS KEEP WRITING YURI R99 NATION#this is an irrational fear btw#especially since the fandoms i previously in kept fixating on the men in women-centric media#which is not bad#good for them#but its alienating for me LOL#thankfully rn r99 fandom is still diligent woman appreciators so thanks guys#keep it up#I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST MEN OR MLM#I JUST REALLY NEED THAT SAPPHIC SPOTLIGHT#LET THIS DESPERATE LESBIAN DREAM THAT HER FAV GAME STAYS YURIFUL#(because fandom activity genuinely affects the game itself so…)#reverse 1999#I am not trying to discourage any form of fandom content#But if I see someone complain about ‘lack of men’ in this game I… I genuinely dont know??? what to say???#we dont even have enough lesbian rep. it is always cast aside.#it should be prioritized (by bluepoch) i think#like to charge reblog to cast
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i could never really bring myself to like stucky
#been reading marvel fic since middle school…i fear nothing could ever hit like stevetony MHM !#i wont lie i see the appeal of the best-friends-stuck-in-new-decade together trope and i do like a good bsfs to lovers !! idk why it just#never clicked for me…imo it kinda gives harry / ron iykwim#but i do not hate. i just wanted to say this bc ive been burdened with it since like sixth grade LMAO anyways i miss mcu stevetony every day#stevetony#marvel#ship discourse
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I wish I was as joyously cringe as my 14 year old self. I think often about how I wrote a wattpad book back then that was literally just an open diary of what was going on with me + my hyperfixations (which I just called ‘obsessions’ at the time bc I didn’t know the word or that I was ADHD or anything) and despite it being a borderline incoherent mess of lolrandom and weeb shit (almost 500 chapters of it btw) it amassed over 100,000 reads and got to like #2 in the “other” category for a while
#I also only ever got nice comments on my stuff. wattpad had its issues but it was a really positive place for me in my teen years#it was such a good outlet for the shit I was going through (both good and bad) when I felt quite socially outcast irl#because I had friends who were more ‘normal’ than me and felt I was just being humoured a lot of the time. which was nice of them to do but#anyway. I also was completely unaware of cringe culture and got nothing but support from others online#on both wattpad and deviantart#so I would literally just talk about whatever I wanted without fear of judgment or looking silly#and I really want to try and cultivate some feeling like that again bc it was so good for my creativity#I barely draw anything anymore and I haven’t written anything in almost 10 years#and I think it’s largely due to being self conscious of my interests#ah well. I’m glad I at least kept most of my wattpad books from back then in my drafts so I can still look at them and reminisce
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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engaging in 911 speculation based on real-life interviews and press feels sooo futile to me like im watching you guys all go crazy over a mention of buddie on gma or whatever and im like. you could not catch me doing that i have no idea what any of it means and i will not be trying to figure it out 🙏 to me it could mean Anything
#speculation about the actual show is one thing and i cannot say i do not engage in that . obviously#but i fear that i have no idea what the significance of interviews ever is. like oliver stark is just saying shit#and you guys are like oh it's scripted it's not scripted whatever#and every second post is like this means buddie canon is for SURE happening and it will be this week. and the other half of the posts are#like this means they're shutting buddie down i fear...#my dash tends to lean towards the first kind but i truly and honestly do not think they're doing buddie canon this week😭 sorry#i think the chances arw HIGH that nothing of note will happen in this episode except athena and chim will be forced to resolve their issues#which. yay!#and maybe eddie will help with the disaster and decide to move back to la and the 118#but to me it seems like the pattern is we get a bit really good buddie stuff that makes the fandom crazy#and then we get nothing for a few eps#idk. we'll see#911#buddie
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What if we get a Confession 2.0 in s3 in which Crowley is like 'i have fallen two times in my life. But the second time.. the second fall was the best thing i have ever done' WHAT THEN
#i fear nothing could ever prepare me for whatever will come in s3#good omens#good omens 2#crowley#aziraphale#ineffable husbands#good omens season 2#go2
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...
#i dont think im a bad person. i dont think i behave in ways that are especially terrible. i dont hate myself. but i do believe i deserve to#suffer. and im not sure how to align those incongruent ideas. its hard to articulate because a lot of my rigidity stems from restrictions#without cause. i don't do things for a specific reason. im not afraid that if dont do specific things it will cause bad things to happen. i#behave in specific ways because thats what i have to do. thats just the way it is. without reason. without cause. like im getting dictates#from some higher power. a lot of my restrictive behaviors manifest in a sort of religious way. not in a religious trauma way. the church i#grew up in was all love thy neighbor and not fire and brimstone. its more that this rigid views is deeply and profoundly rooted in how i#belive i need to behave. i behave imperfectly. i make mistakes. and there has to be a consequence. i have to suffer. and thats just how it#is. like preying for forgiveness or committing self flagellation. i repent through self punishment. and when i try to imagine why i do this#all i can think about is being a little kid. praying before i went to bed. not aloud. the prayers i kept silent. that nobody would get sick#and die. that all the kids in childrens hospitals would get better and that nothing bad would ever happen to anyone. i had a pretty idealic#childhood. it was stable and my parents loved me a lot. i was never really bullied in school. my family was comfortably middle class without#money troubles. and i guess i find that difficult to contend with because i didnt do anything to deserve that. it was just luck. and why#should i have that when other ppl dont? but random things dont happen to you because you did something to warrent them. thats not how the#world works. so maybe im seeking to balance the scale. maybe im trying to pay for my good luck because it makes more sense that way.#sins must be punished and good fortune must be paid for. but only for me. i am an isolated entity controlled by an angry god.#and again. i dont hate myself or thing im a bad person. it only seems fair and correct that i should suffer. thats just how it is.#and how do you classify that? its a rigid worldview that sprauls out into restructions and compulsions. a lens warped from through#existential fear? the rot from which 0cd manifested? a set of restrictions born of aut1sm? i dunno. it doesnt really matter but i try to#classify anyway. maybe it doesnt fit neatly into one box. so it goes.#just stupid bullshit im being forced to deal with now that im basically in triple therapy lol#unrelated
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damn bro you good?
I'M OKAY TY FOR CHECKING IN. i think it just got slightly overwhelmed, both by the amount of asks i received, as well as struggling to find a personal life/tumblr life balance. i love this blog, but as i've alluded to in tags, i'm a live-in nanny for my infant nephew. and i'm very lucky to have this living arrangement and i certainly have a lot of free time, but bc babies have no schedule and like to fight god, it's hard to get into the groove of writing when at any moment, i might have to help with him. it took me a while to get used to it, but i'm still here i promise!
i think as for future housekeeping, i will continue answering the fun asks i get, but at a much slower rate. and i want to go back to posting more serious comic metas as well, as well as just the things i want to post here. i got a little in over my head and i'm very very pleased to have found the fellow freaks in this fandom, i just did not expect to get so much interaction on such a new blog! so while i did not mean to vanish for a month, i do think it helped me adjust a bit and figure out a personal balance! i should be back for good now tho! <3
#necrotic answerings#I'M ALIVE I SWEAR#also it doesn't help that lately the baby has had some health issues#nothing big! but serious enough that it's just making life rough for him#and life is already rough when you're four months old so you can imagine the stress he's under.#I will say i've got a lot of personal experience with infants now so. if you ever need advice writing a kidfic- /hj#i wanna be so clear I do love the asks#and I will get to them all!#I just got bamboozled. this blog has only been around since August. how are there so many of you#I got descended upon by a flock of crows#also. I fear the stupid firefighter show got my ass. I plan on making a 911 blog tho that one won't be nearly as active as this one#that fandom also doesn't have nearly the dead dove presence. by God. they're all vanilla. they scare me.#no one is inspired. I've heard of migratory slash fandom but good GOD I've never experienced such a potent example firsthand.#anyway! I plan to write at least one whump fill tonight#baby has an appointment so i'll have a couple hours to myself at least#three stressed adults vs one itchy baby who will win#(it's the baby. he wins.)
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this isnt what i usually post on this blog but I'm already sick of all the memes and 'jokes'. I am almost certainly leaving the fandom for good now because of the book of bills release and NO it is not because billford's community has an influx of supporters.
So the worship and romanticization of asylums and other abusive practices for mental health have been steadily gaining traction in recent years, especially with the rise of tiktok's toxicity.
SO many people, especially younger people, regularly talk about how they want lobotomies or how women they don't like should be lobotomized. They get tattoos of lobotomy like it's some quirky fun thing and not one of the most horrific tortures someone can endure.
These same people, ESPECIALLY leftists, will look at anyone they disagree with or don't like and say "get institutionalized, loser" or "et therapy" and it's always in a mocking way. it's always in a policing way.
because these people know that mental wards strip everyone of their freedom and their bodily autonomy. they know these places arent for healing--theyre for silencing.
So the amount of people i see treating bill being institutionalized like a good thing---even the writers and alex himself?
Yeah. Im out ✌🏼
#you people try to act quirky and say you like weird stuff and you like crazy people and hate normies#but then when someone isnt a normie and actually does want to change things in radical ways you want to put them in an asylum#i do not want to interact with any of you people!#i still love gravity falls (obviously) but im just... so over the fandom at this point.#even people who LIKE bill are trying to act like this is all a good thing#guess what asylums dont help :) they almost always make things worse!#so in reality if bill ever got out he would just be 100x worse and more vengeful than before! congrats.#Play stupid games get stupid prizes!#gravity falls#antipsych#i seriously dont understand why anyone things mental wards are in any way different than how they used to be a hundred yeears ago.#because they arent. at all. like literally at all.#they forcefully medicate you with pills that you dont need and that actively harm you bc random ass nurses diagnose you with#someething different every other day and ust give you a new pill for every diagnosis#i know someone who was put on antipsychs when not only do they not have a psych disorder but they had a heart condition and#nearly died bc of it. I myself was put on three different pills the very night i went in. they never#even hesitated to wait and see if i would have a bad reaection or if i reeally needed it.#bc why would they when heavily meedicating you makes you unable to think or reaelize what theyre doing is extremely unethical?#i saw multiple people held down and strapped to their beds and given sedatives for doing nothing at all. For simply asking questions.#I saw staff harass and mock and disrespect very speciifc kids (specifically the poc kids.)#I saw staff lie and try to incite fear in other kids and myself.#one of them told me the night before i was cleared for release tat if i said 'im fine' at any point they would keep me for another month.#and that if i didnt continue to take the meds (ssris) that i was overdosing on that they would come grab me in a van and bring me back#against my will.#Keep in mind i was here based off of lies. There was no real reason for me to be in that asylum.#So yeah. literally dont come on this post trying to defend asylums bc i PROMISE you i have more experience in the reality than you#ever could.#Theyre horrible and romanticising it even against a fictional villain is repulsive behavior.
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