#nothing stops another day
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high school joui 4 shenanigans
#deep breaths takasugi#the worst friend group you will ever know#only ones who can somehow tolerate each other#gintokiās one worst quality is that he cannot shut the fuck up#i couldnāt stop thinking of them after watching daily lives of highschool boys and theyād get up to so much dumb shit actually#can you tell i kind of miss my high school days#i sound so old when i say that wtf im 19#painting has been a lot of fun lately i will not lie#but also college starts like. day after tomorrow im so cooked#GINTAMA OBSESSION PLEASE GET ME THROUGH ANOTHER TERM šš½šš½šš½#i might draw some ginhiji stuff to accompany this later bc of course i will#i am nothing if not predictable to my audience#anyways#sakata gintoki#katsura kotarou#sakamoto tatsuma#takasugi shinsuke#joui 4#gintama#ok bye
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all my favourite characters are just me seeing them and going "damn you sure do clean up well but I'd much rather see you grinning with blood between your teeth"
#also known as the 'i could fix them but its so much funnier to watch them go feral' phenomenon#i just want to see somebody who's usually composed covered in blood on their knees- *i am shot and my body is dragged offstage*#mizu being happy for one (1) second with her husband VS a fucking demon cutting people apart stopping at nothing for revenge#percy de rolo as a prim and proper lord VS possessed by a demon with a thirst for vengeance and burning orange eyes#james flint as a clean shaven british navy officer VS with a full beard and no morals beating a man to death with his bare hands#ellie williams as a sweet innocent kid VS a bloody tattooed woman on a self destructive quest for revenge knife fighting to the death#vi having a good day VS in a drag on knock out fistfight with another woman (i need her in a way concerning to feminism)#jason todd as robin VS the fucking red hood (he is covered in blood and half his mask is gone and i am going insane)#surprise! they're all on a quest for revenge#blue eye samurai#critical role#black sails#the last of us#arcane#batman#mizu#percy de rolo#james flint#ellie williams#vi arcane#jason todd#andis thought geyser
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stan: how can you be polyamorous and aroace, orā¦whatever mabel called it?
ford: in my case, i have my family and i have my platonic polycule. i would prefer to never have to interact with anyone outside these two groups
stan: what about soos and wendy? theyāre not in either of those groups
ford: first of all, i am soosā uncle, second of all, are you saying you donāt believe i would both die and kill for wendy?
stan: youāve got a weird way of defining family, six
ford: itās my favorite way
#itās the last day of june and i have not been queering it up nearly enough with these text posts#needed to let myself be at least a indulgent. anyway#gravity falls#ford pines#stan pines#(stan: wait whoās the extra person in your polycule#ford: oh you wouldnāt know it it goes to another dimension)#in all seriousness though#i have not stopped thinking about ford being at least friends with the hidebehind since that au I created#so the hidebehind is definitely in on the polycule. it goes fiddleford and ford + ford and hidebehind#maybe the moth man gets thrown in too. i donāt know maybe it likes being mercilessly hunted down#who am i to assume#if the moth man was there too maybeā¦#ford and moth man + moth man and fiddleford + fiddleford and ford + ford and hidebehind?#i like to go with the idea that moth man is more of a warning before disasters rather than bringing them#(and we donāt even know if the gravity falls moth man is the same as virginiaās moth man)#so i think fiddleford would like him. they share superstitions and moth man is like a comfort cat#is moth man showing signs that something bad is about to happen? if no then you have physical living evidence that nothing bad is happening#if yes. fucking panic.#if they ever hit a yes the polycule may be in slight trouble of losing moth man as a member#i personally never got on board with the ford x moth man train so iām going to keep my headcanon platonic polycule to#fiddauthor + hideford#created a new ship name what the fuck is wrong with me (lighthearted). happy pride month š¦š³ļøāā§ļøš¦š³ļøāš
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Luka is very good at keeping himself composed on stage, mostly with the help of maintaining track of his heart rate, but during Mizi's attack in ROMH he seemed to slip up, not only was the red background a tell-tale sign of Mizi's violent intentions but it was a more symbolic way of showing Luka in quite visceral fear. Even if for only a second.
I'm not convinced Luka will be as continuously calculated as he normally comes off, it all seems too fake to me. Because it is. Itās a similar case to Ivan who can't feel, isn't normal, isn't human enough so he makes a persona to blend in. So Luka, whoever he is, makes this version of himself to cope with what he has to live through, pretending like he's on top of it all to survive in this world.
So in round 7, I think something drastic will happen to make him 'snap' in a way.
It's safe to say that we don't know Luka. We don't know who he really is. We don't know his real desires. But we do know one thing--he is scared. he is afraid of the aliens. That's why he appeases them--being their trophy. He's only kept around for his purpose as an entertainer and nothing else and he's very aware of that. He knows very well that a dented trophy will be discarded; with that mindset, he's been able to get so far, and he's scared of losing. That's why he holds any little thing he can get his hands on close. And an important extension of that fear is his fear of losing power.
Till should be the more likely in this position, given he's such a rebel. But isn't that just too predictable? Keep in mind, that Till is a strong person. Even after all he's been through, even after he's been beaten into something more manageable for the aliens--He still hasn't lost his spark. Till is a raging storm. subdued but nonetheless a force to be reckoned with.
Round 6's effect on Till is greatly ambiguous for now but at this point when the time for round 7 comes, Till has been put through so much hell. Whatever Luka does to provoke him probably won't work, he and Luka are equally talented individuals and will make for an intense battle, and at the end of the day, the numbers won't lie. Exactly that is what Luka is ready for but scared of--a worthy opponent for the throne. Someone capable of stripping him of his power. (Is fear what makes Luka so dismissive?)
It would be so aggravating that this 'pest'. who is so indignant, so rebellious (in a way Luka envies.), could so easily destroy everything Luka has worked for, disregard every pain Luka has been through to get to this point, and Till doesn't value this throne as much as Luka does, and Luka doesn't want to feel the pain of death anymore. If his facade is as destructible as I think it is, that will be what ultimately brings out Luka.
This idea may be flawed. Luka is so perfect, too perfect and confident and experienced for something as little as that to break him, just think of all the training Luka went through to get to this point. I'm positive he's very aware of what playing unfairly will lead to. But isn't there always room for a wild card?
Just remember what happened to Hyun-woo.
What happened here isn't fully explained (and probably will be in round 7) but imagine Luka: "Trophy child, goody two shoes" Luka possibly killing another human. Whether by accident or not, what happened?--what and how did Luka feel in the moment for the repercussions of whatever happened to be that bad?
A Luka that is secretly greatly insecure, pliable, and defensive enough that in a spur of emotions, he canāt help but lose his cool in a way he hasnāt in a while because heās afraidājust to try and prove he is still valuable. That is the type of character I theorize we'll come to see in round 7.
#I wonder if Hyunwoo dying was because whatever happened between them occured after heperu stopped lukas heart. maybe it made him more#sensitive? and when hyunwoo got rough with him for some reason it drew him over the edge perhaps?#i rlly dunno what could prompt luka and hyunwoo to fight honestly if hyuna wasnt involved#those two were basicallt friends? brother type relationship so like eh idk#alien stage#alnst#this is so random but i just wanted to yap about it for a second its been wracking my brain for days#i think we just have 1 too many enigmatic characters#i think this is the plot twist vivinos will go for because#āsenior beats the rookieā well it's too predictable and quite cliche#and after everything i dont think till is in the right state of mind to give a shit.#i also just wanna weasel some way into making till survive this so uh yes!#can we also consider just how much tills fame may have increased after round seven.#think of it like alien stage getting more popular because of doomed yaoi. thats alien stage universe.#ivan literally has fangirls. and look at us:#just sayin'...#harharharharhar#also i know there might be someone thinking: but what about the rebellion? for one. mizi and hyuna may or may not be goners#but in general i dont think they can do ANYTHING for till or luka atp#isaac and dewey? maybe#alnst till#alien stage till#alien stage round 7#it just feels plain to me to see a luka that doesnt want to be another one of those corpses elevating the throne. he wants to show that he#is more valuable than that 'punk' who'll do nothing but dishonor this throne? maybe. we'll just have to seeeeee#alien stage luka#alnst luka#luka alien stage#till alien stage
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anyone interested in talking about the iconic 2000's middle-grade-bordering-on-ya book series gallagher girls??
#okay incoming rant about this series#i read the first book when i was 10 or 11 and i was absolutely obssessed with it. i read it so many times i had the entire story memorized#the issue was that i could not find the rest of the series anywhere. it was either sold out or out of stock#and then i found out that only the first 3 books had been translated into my first language so at that point i kinda gave up on them#anyway#flashforward to a couple of weeks ago#i was re organizing my bookshelf and on the back i found LYKY (is this how y'all are abreviating it??)#and remembred how much i loved it#and since i'm now fluent in english and was stuck at home recovering from a surgery i decided to download the entire series and read it#to find out what the fuck happened afterwards#long story short i read all six books in 4 or 5 days#and i haven't stopped thinking about them since#it's actually so funny how little information we have in the first book#i went all of these years thinking it was mostly a silly series about a boarding school for spies when actually SO MUCH happens afterwards#i can't believe i went all of these years unaware of zach goode's existence#truly character of all time#but also i can't stop thinking about how interesting it would have been if zach had come to hate the circle and his mom during the series#rather than before#make it a true enemies to lovers#and have us witness that portion of his character developement in real time instead of being told about it#like him slowly realizing through cammie and his time at gallagher that maybe what they were doing is wrong#i think it would have been very interesting to read#although let's be real it took me until halfway through book four to trust him and he was fully one of the good guys so..#but yeah i have a lot more to say but these tags are long enough#gallagher girls#okay i just want to add another funny anecdote about my experience with this series#my copy of LYKY has an age warning in the back recomending that readers should be above 13 yo to read it#and i distinctly remember finishing it and thinking the warning was kind of dumb bcs besides a few mentions of death and other heavier topi#nothing really happened#and now i realize it was a warning for the rest of the series not just the first book because jesus fucking chirst everything after
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Genuinely so curious who Mike thinks is gonna be buying The Cage or the new DCTL GN bc with the way he tweets as far as he's concerned, it's not gonna be:
The queer people he has actively admitted he will never show any representation of in the games.
2. The POC he has actively fought against representing in his franchise. [Who he also mocked for thinking they would be represented in his franchise]
3. The Bendy fandom which has always been concerned with topics of diversity esp in the sense of queer people since its creation. Who he has responded to really poorly esp in regards to the GN.
4. The fans who critique him. [He blocked me for doing so lol]
5. His fans in general who he tweets about like this currently. [He's being vague about why people were mad at him or sent him 'nasty messages' because if you actually looked into why you'd see he was in the wrong. Either way, a very hateful way to speak abt ur own fanbase.]
Reminder while Mike is trash talking his fans he has always treated them rather poorly. The fans who won the fanart contest for Chapter 5 never got their posters actually in game due to it being rushed. Not only was chapter 5 a big slap to the face story wise, but it was literally so rushed he couldn't be bothered to add in the art his fans gave him for his game FOR FREE. [Meatly blames this on a crazy timeline, reminder him and Mike are the literal ceos of this company. The proposal of future updates here is also pretty cruel considering Mike nowadays happily admits he corrupted Chapter 5's source code and therefore literally can't update it At All currently. Because he is a moron]
At least they got to be in Boris and the dark survival, and by that I mean that was the Only game they got to be in so far, isn't that just treating your fans like you love them? Shoving their hard work into a spin off game almost nobody has played or addresses much. [Hell, who knows if with the Lone Wolf rebrand they'll even stay there. In which case they'll be in None of the games, only in the credits of BATIM]
6. The Bendy fans who just generally disagree with him on stuff. Like the new ink demon design where there is literally a public poll showing people generally prefer the old one.
7. The Bendy fans who can see he is actively lying to them. To their fucking faces.
He says this has always been the case, but screenshots and links to tweets regarding the books being canon prove it was not. Does he really think bendy fans are stupid or something? [Unless he's admitting here he lied to Kress when he told her the books were canon which sounds worse!]
8. Anyone who doesn't like the idea of giving money to a guy who laid off tons of employees then afterwards thought it was a great idea to express his anti-union views! Also brag about how good of an employer he was, according to his employees, he was not!
So in summary; Mike is an awful person who has not learned anything from the awful things he did. I will not be purchasing The Cage because, combined with this and his absolute refusal to take any kind of critique or see any differing interpretation of his franchise, I have no reason to think my problems with the franchise will ever be addressed or fixed. I probably will pirate The Cage along with any future Bendy Products [Including the movie] and will do my best to avoid giving it any kind of monetary support. Unless this changes any time soon, I can't see myself making anymore positive Bendy posts soon.
Mike has just managed to make it so hard to speak positively or optimistically of this franchise when he's so willing to broadcast how little he cares about it or its fans. I'm at the point where I refuse to pull any of my punches with my problems with it. What's the point of trying to play nice with my critique when either way the people creating it don't care?
So with this post, I want to invite anyone who feels similarly about the franchise to tell me, make a post or send an ask talking about how all of this makes you feel. It may not change how things are, but genuinely seeing other people share my feelings of anger makes me feel better. It feels nice to see when other people share our same concerns and worries. I'd also love to know if anyone else thinks they'll be avoiding purchasing Bendy products over this.
I'm not forcing anyone to participate in it nor trying to say anyone who doesn't supports mike but genuinely maybe if we can collectively decide to boycott things like the movie, graphic novel and The Cage... It might at least make the bendy devs acknowledge how much they have destroyed their own fandom's faith and trust in them.
The way Mike tweets about his actions like he had no control over why people were mad at him at least proves to me he takes NONE of it back nor regrets it. If you didn't know about his actions and only went off his tweets, you would be led to believe Mike has been needlessly picked apart by fans over things he couldn't control [or in his own words, had his words twisted and taken out of context]. That is not how you speak about your actions if you have actually learned better from them.
anyway, that has been my bendy dev callout post. This is an open invitation to anyone feeling similarly upset about the way the franchise is going to talk about it. It's genuinely nice to see how people feel about this and the more we talk about the more it's likely the bendy devs are forced to address our concerns. I don't think they will but hey, that's why I'm not gonna support them with my money anymore nor am I gonna be nice to them in any content I make critiquing Bendy. I mean I'm also basically making this post just in case anyone asks me Why I feel this way towards to bendy devs/as a way to respond to anyone who thinks I am too harsh in my critique in the future.
As always, it seems the best part of Bendy isn't actually anything about canon but about what the fan's are creating with the ideas Bendy failed to do anything interesting with.
Also the books, the books slap.
#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#ramblez#bendy and the silent city#bendy the cage#for the record another reason Im making this post is bc some of the only good resources to learn abt why the bendy devs suck are some old#very longer videos and this is a very long post but I thought it was important to document the recent shit theyve been doing alongside some#of the worst past things theyve done bc Mike has been trying to misinform people on what happened but those videos are still great resource#if you want more info n such#long post#mike D#for anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt him since he doesnt go by mood anymore#sorry if this is rambley or emotional Im just so sick of these guys fr dskjhgskdfjghskdjhgkjhsd#I miss when I didnt spend my days stressed about the awful shit mike is gonna say next and how I would have to disprove it in a post later#or explain why its bad to have a cast of nothing but cishet white guys n constantly fight back against any push for diversity in said cast#genuinely its just tiring esp when u see other bendy fans give ignorant or very silly defenses/takes on those things#n then u lose a lot of respect for them bc they are speaking on stuff they dont know much abt so confidently and therefore misinforming#people or even encouraging very bad views on stuff like diversity n its importance#Im not saying people like that are bad people but it is stressful n upsetting when u see someone u thought knew better do that sort of thin#it makes it hard to trust them again on other issues bc u now dont trust they know what they r talking abt!!#like please think twice before telling young artists making norman white was a tough and complicated decision it was fucking not the bendy#devs just think all their humans are white by default and dont wanna change that its been proven time n time again thats all it is#and defending them just bc u like a franchise they made is very very bad!! They are not ur friends!! they suck and we seriously need to#stop pretending they dont!! toxic positivity is only gonna make the fandom an absolute nightmare its not gonna make ANYTHING better#it just means people will be forced to PRETEND they never have negative thoughts abt the franchise n therefore make them burned out#just look at other similar fandoms please lets not make those same mistakes!!#sorry can u tell Ive been having just. A time recently#anyways back to making my queer ass bendy fan game full of so much diversity mike will prolly shit when he sees it DKFJGHKSDJHGKJHSD
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lord its so dark in here the sahara desert of tsaritsa content you are like a shining oasis. your characterisation of her compels me & mihoyo would be hard pressed to top it imo.!! caaaaan i humbly request yr thoughts on her first meeting w a reader of any kind, or maybe even multiple kinds (sagau, sagau god au, isekai, etc) if you so desire...
it really is like a desert here. being the fan of a character we aren't getting until the last damn nation is driving me up a wall but i will persevere bc if nothing else i support morally bankrupt women in media. we r in a severe drought over here but i do my best. unfortunately nothing i say is ever coherent so pull out your translation notes its abt 2 be messy
also this got out of hand but thats bc first meetings w the tsaritsa are tricky to write + a LOT of her characterization lies in deeper exploration then just surface level yknow...NOT A DIG AT YOU this is just my excuse for rambling. gently pats the tsaritsa she can hold so much complexity i do not have the word count to delve into it completely :]
gonna talk cult au for a bit here though because that's 99% of my content. and honestly? she thrives in sub au's of the cult au like villain au + imposter au. it's basically made for her. i mean, early days, the imposter au had been going around for a little while but one of the first few ideas was the Fatui taking reader in so like. it kinda technically actually was. pretty sure cult au Tsaritsa popped up because of the imposter au. a lot of it's writers kinda left though which. man am i getting old or.
anyway.
there isn't much of a chance her first impression is all that positive. at best it's usually neutral, imo, but rarely if ever positive. specifically because i view the Tsaritsa as someone who isn't as fanatical as most of the acolytes typically are towards the creator. she's not exactly going to worship the ground you walk on unlike a certain geo lizard. which is partially why i think she thrives in the sub au's i mentioned.
imposter au, for example. she meets you at your lowest. there's no gaudy extravagance or pampering from the acolytes waiting for you because your own acolytes have turned on you. for all intents and purposes you aren't a "god" at all. which is why i don't think she meshes well with normal cult au reader. the Fatui are made up of outcasts, basically, and imposter au slots right in just perfectly. you're weak, at your lowest, when you meet the Fatui in the imposter au. and the Fatui can help you, too.
a mutual exchange, really. the Tsaritsa sees a tool she can use to one up the rest of the nations and especially Archons, and she has no qualms about you using her and the Fatui in turn. you both want something out of it, after all. whether you just want to be safe from the rest of the acolytes, or you want revenge, or whatever else..she'll give you the power to fulfill it, and she gains the strongest piece on the chessboard when all is said and done.
the best way i can describe the first meeting is "practical", i suppose. she sees an opportunity in you. the ultimate gamble. because if she "saves" you, and you dont trust anyone else because they tried to kill you, well..she holds all the cards, doesn't she?
but the Tsaritsa, imo, is just as capable of being just as fanatical towards you as anyone else. she just won't worship you as the creator. but as yourself? clawing your way back to your divine power and taking back what belongs to you? the Tsaritsa is, to me, a character who's character flourishes in long-term fics more because she changes a LOT between "just met reader" and after having been with reader for some time. she's practically apathetic at the beginning but a lot of her character, in my characterization, shines through LONG after the first meeting.
#asks#Anonymous#sagau#tsaritsa#like. am i explaining this coherently?? first meetings r GOOD and i could go on a tangent of like. first meetings w zl and make it work#but first meetings w the tsaritsa is like. you just cooked a 5 course meal. took one bite. called it a day.#so much of my characterization lies in the āafterā of the first meeting#because her first meetings are generally the same. she's apathetic at best!! she does not gaf abt the creator in the SLIGHTEST#but show that you are more then the creator? that you do not cling to the title like a shield? that you do not rely on it?#youve got the worst person youve ever known ready to kill a man for you.#tsaritsa is very like. EXTREMELY hard to earn the trust of but when you do she will kill someone for you no hesitation no question#which is why she works SO WELL in villain au and imposter au!!!!!!!!!#esp if theres a fake ācreatorā calling you the imposter. she hates their ass and was .5 seconds from dethroning them anyway#you just made it 10x easier#also cant do just first meetings bc i am incapable of not shoving themes of love into every fic w her SORRY#tsaritsa going on a full multiple month long mental breakdown bc she is not in love with you but she would destroy everything for u..#(shes in denial)#tsaritsa and complex themes of love and what it means for the god of love to be incapable of feeling it + what it means when reader shows u#LIKE UGHHHHHH okay. i guess ill write another tsaritsa fic and put it in my vault#aka my drafts#i hold so many fics hostage there its crazy#this answered like 0 of ur questions sorry i see tsaritsa and black out and this happens#i just think first meetings dont let her character really come thru but my response got out of hand so uhhhhh everyone look away. please#putting tape over my mouth now so i shut up before this gets worse#basically tsaritsa gravitates more towards outcast reader rather then one who has already become accustomed to the adoration of the acolyte#does that make sense........#i havent slept in forever and im running on nothing but spite and dreams atp dont expect coherency when it comes 2 the tsaritsa from me#head in hands someone please stop me i keep rambling abt the tsaritsa it makes me go NUTS#lays down. explodes
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hello
Gally models tiny figures out of soap for a while
Thomas notices and buys him wood blocks and carving tools
Minho passive-aggressively buys him a vacuum because he leaves sawdust everywhere
Gally starts making little figures for Thomas and Minho. He puts them on their beds and doesn't mention anything.
Thomas paints them.
Minho doesn't touch his. Putting them on his bed was too public. Too loud. If he takes them, he'll be admitting he likes them.
Thomas steals Minho's figurines and paints them too.
Gally randomly decides that Minho's bedroom wall deserves a shelf.
Nobody mentions it. Except for Thomas, who complains about Gally's loud hammering sounds.
Thomas puts the (painted) figurines he stole from Minho on the new shelf.
Gally leaves newly sculpted figures on the shelf too.
Minho says nothing. Nobody mentions it at all.
Gally walks in on Minho taking the figurines off the shelf and polishing them. Gally quickly walks back out. Before he's seen.
Gally never seems to run out of wood blocks. Sometimes Minho wanders down into the garage, where Gally does all his carving. Suspiciously, anytime Minho walks into the garage, Gally always wakes up to more wood blocks. Gally doesn't mention it. Neither does Minho.
Thomas interrupts Gally while he's carving to check the quality and sharpness of his current tools and see if he needs any new ones.
Thomas buys higher quality tools for Gally's birthday. Wraps it in bright blue paper. He plans to have Gally unwrap it at dinner but ultimately decides to quietly leave it in the garage.
Gally hates how much Thomas understands him. Hates how Thomas knows what he likes and doesn't. But he hates hating Thomas, so he decides to just appreciate the gesture instead.
Minho, on the other hand, with his quiet wood block-buying, can be hated to the utmost degree. So Gally quietly seethes at the way Minho understands him, and he quietly seethes at the way Minho accommodates his needs.
Minho quietly hates the way Gally understands him, too.
They hate each other. They hate that they hate each other. They hate that they love each other.
Most of all, that they hate that they understand each other. Or maybe they hate that they both know the other's deepest desire is to be understood.
Minho quietly holds Gally's hand on walks. Gally quietly blows hot air onto Minho's hands during the winter. Thomas holds both their hands with a bright grin, and he buys them heating pads when it's cold.
Nobody mentions anything. Except Thomas, who complains about the other two not wearing mittens.
#my biggest minally take is that Minho and Gally both -want- to be understood and -hate- being understood#my biggest thominally take is that Thomas gets a free pass from being hated#Minho and Gally understand each other because they basically ARE each other. And they hate the other for that.#They didn't build this protective wall around their hearts for nothing.#They hate seeing it be broken down. They want it to be broken down. It's a very confusing mix. They hate being confused.#Thomas isn't like them. Thomas is just some weirdo who understands them because he does.#For some reason that's okay. They cherish Thomas and get confused about each other. Like some kind of silent mutualism#(secretly they love each other very much. One day they'll grow up and realize they've stopped hating one another.)#meanwhile Thomas is like ''these are my boyfriends. they bite. they might also have rabies. they're cute and I love them.''#tmr thomas#tmr minho#tmr gally#tmr fandom#the maze runner#headcanons#rambles#thominho#thomally#minally#thominally#I don't take constructive criticism because I'm not wrong
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Sometimes you think you're doing fine. Then you look at how you've behaved over the past weeks/months. And well, you were wrong.
#i should have known when i started falling asleep every time i stopped doing something and still felt exhausted afterwards#or when i started craving sweet greasy foods#and DEFINITIVELY when i stopped making fic-plots as lil' bedtime stories for myself#i've been doing this since i was 12 how on earth did i not notice their absence ?#(that's also why i haven't posted anything š no bedtime plotting means nothing to write)#new goal: self care#sorry for this post guys#it's just that i got a wake-up call when my parents told me i should watch the Olympics because it's good memories to have and all...#and i almost cried when i realized i COULDN'T#because i was so damn tired and not fine at all#(which puts in a new light the ease with which i wrote Gale's pov on the angst fics but that's something for another day)#i've been working on this for a few days but thought i'd post this if anyone needs it too š¤#i love you guys š„°#you've definitely helped#ame rambles
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Anyone telling you not to vote or to vote 3rd party because of Palestine do not have your best interest at heart or theirs.
I keep seeing these psyop talking points being spread around and the threat to our democracy is too great to ignore them.
Throwing away your vote won't help Palestine. Throwing away your vote will hurt them and also every single vulnerable person in America if Trump wins.
By not voting or voting 3rd party you are saying you don't care about your rights OR the rights of LGBTQA+ people, POC, disabled people, homeless people, poor people, etc.
Anyone telling you NOT to vote or to throw your vote away for a conflict a President cannot solve is a liar and only wants you to suffer. Biden can't tell another country what to do and funding is up to Congress--which still has too many reds in it anyway.
If your mortality extends to not voting because of Palestine because it makes you upset, but it DOESN'T make you upset that Trump wants to be a Christofascist dictator and strip rights from you and your neighbors then you are about as useful to Palestine as a piece if dirt is to a starving man.
Your morals are weak and you stand for nothing. Trump will wipe Palestine off the map. Biden has been arguing for a ceasefire but the far right government in Israel DENIED it because it would "hurt Trump" if they accepted it. Netanyahu WANTS Trump to win, you do get that right?
You are being played for a fool. If you actually care about people you'll vote for who ever the dem candidate is (probably Harris) and every blue senator and house rep you see running and then keep the pressure on them to keep fighting for a ceasefire deal.
Cause otherwise you're just giving into psyop talking points and throwing EVERYONE, including Palestinians, under the bus with you.
#ib4 āāop is a zionist!!!1!!ā no i'm not i believe in a 2 state solution and that killing people is wrong#support Standing Together and go vote#you can keep up the good work to end the war AFTER we take back the house flood the senate and win the white house#but now is not the time to be a single issue voter cause all you are showing is your hate and disdain for everyone else#or are you going to forget about the vulnerable people in the US as fast as you did about Ukrainians?#if your vote didn't matter they wouldn't be trying to hard to suppress it so STOP helping the psyops#plug your nose cry about it if you have to but vote blue and we'll have another day to fight for peace and a better world#of you don't its as good as over and your meandering āmoralityā would have been for nothing and you will be responsible#for all the suffering that will follow#if you clown I am very skilled at the block button#psyop talking points will be reported as election interference be you psyop or gullible.
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hii š
Okay so the thing is that I wanted a āthe Zenin raised Megumi instead of Gojoā fic but the thing is that Iām absolutely convinced that if the Zenin were the ones that took Megumi they wouldnāt actually take tsumiki too. The fandom consensus Iāve personally seen has been that she would have been taken and mistreated by zenin for being a female non sorcerer but I personally think they would have just straight up left her behind.
They only bought Megumi. They keep non sorcerers and women as servants in their compound but all of them are Zenin themselves. Tsumiki isnāt related and I couldnāt really see any reason why theyād want her. Which turned this into a fic where Tsumiki loses her brother, but sheās trying to find him again, she swears. I think of it as my āsiblings doomed by the narrative desperately try to write a new one where they can be togetherā fic.
The thing is that Tsumikis mom was one of those people who thought love and consumption were synonymous. She had a habit of getting caught up with assholes and justā¦ having both of them chew on each other for a while until it turns into this horrible fucking bloodbath.
Tojis just another loser her mom got caught up in, but heās Tsumikiās favorite out of all the losers, because he gave her her brother. Her mom marries this random guy she barley knows and Tsumikis pretty sure she does it so they can both ditch their kids twice as much, secure in the knowledge that thereās supposedly another person checking in. It works out great for them, because they both stop coming entirely. Itās fine, because Tsumiki has Megumi and Megumi has Tsumiki and they donāt need anything else.
Itās one of those things where they were in really unhealthy circumstances and it made their relationship a little bit unhealthy but not necessarily bad. They both had to grow up way too fast and deal with way too much too soon and become codependent on each other because they are, in the most literal way possible, dependent on one another. Neither of them know how to love in a way that doesnāt involve sacrificing themselves for their sibling, mostly because they donāt have a way that doesnāt involve that.
Theyāre in a sinking ship and tsumiki knows it. Their parents arenāt coming back. The money is going to run out sooner or later. Their problems are stacking up.
Megumi has confessed to her that he sees things that no one else does. When she asks him how he knows no one else sees them, he explains that theyād say something if they did and wonāt say anything else. And she doesnāt know what to believe but she refuses to call him crazy. He tells her that monsters cling to her back and he fights them off for her. She patches up his bruises and cuts and tells him heās brave and tries to figure out if sheās just imagining that her back feels lighter after. He tells her that there are dogs that only he can see that have started following him around, and she tells him she believes him and can never remember, later, if she meant it or was just saying it.
The last time Toji came by, he left them more money than tsumikis ever seen in her life, took them to ice cream, told them that he was sorry he was so shit at this and that the money was Megumiās share in a payment. It was for something he was going to help daddy with later. Tsumiki and him were to use it to take care of themselves and be healthy, because Megumi couldnāt help him later if he wasnāt. And tsumiki was always afraid of what he meant by that, but in the end, she let it slip her mind. After all, Toji hadnāt been by in ages. He probably wouldnāt come by at all.
And he didnāt. But others did. Two men sheās never met before are waiting outside their building one day, and when they see Megumi, they laugh. But the thing that Tsumiki can never get out of her mind later is that she swears they werenāt looking at Megumi directly. They were looking at his dogs.
Tsumiki basically tries to get Megumi and powerwalk past them, but theyāre a lot bigger and a lot stronger and thereās nothing she can do, really. They have a brief conversation about whether they should take her too, before one decides that Toji only sold him his kid and to leave the other behind. This makes both of them try to run, but thereās nothing either of them can do to overpower the men, and the men say that āNaobito would go ballistic if they left the ten shadows behindā so they take Megumi and leave her.
They put Megumi in a car and shove Tsumiki to the curb outside of it, and she tried to hold onto his hand, she swears. She grabbed at the car door even when the car started moving, and she banged on the windows, and she watched as Megumi kicked and punched and screamed inside, until one of them hit him and he went still. She ends up falling and hitting her head when the car picks up speed, and when she wakes up again, the cars gone and she has no idea where it went.
And it becomes a foundational moment for who she is. I think she was just intensely lonely before Megumi and poured a lot of herself into this idea of a family together. Tsumikis never able to shake the moment of her being outside the car and Megumi being on the inside, and not being able to get into him. She can never again get what she felt in that moment out of her head.
She goes to the police and tells them that itās her little brother, his dad sold him but she wants him back, and theyāre like āā¦ā. The issue is that apparently her mom can pick up the damn phone if the police call and she shows up, spins some lie about how her and the stepdad split up and he took the kid with him, they never adopted each others kids so it was within his rights, Tsumiki was taking the separation hard and acting out. She lies, basically, because toji hadnāt kept up his end of the deal and dropped in to check in (neither had she) and his kid wasnāt her responsibility, he could do what he wanted with him. She doesnāt want the police poking around the way she lives. Just let the kid go because heās probably dead and not her real brother anyway.
Tsumiki refuses to give up on him. They were both kids who no one cared about but they cared about each other and that had to be enough. But sheās seven with no support and zero idea on how to find him. She starts skipping school to look for him in random streets, puts up flyers, canāt go outside without looking for him. She gets held back a year in school because of how much she skips and she canāt bring herself to care. She buys him gifts on every birthday and writes him letters she canāt post because sheās going to find her brother and sheās going to prove to him that she never once stopped looking for him. She just. She needs him to know that she never stopped looking for him. She needs to find him and be able to honestly tell him she never stopped trying.
One day her mom comes back in clothes she canāt afford and comes with movers they shouldnāt be able to afford and announces a move they definitely canāt afford. Tsumikis absolutely opposed to going because if her brother comes to look for her, she needs to be in their old apartment so he can find her. She doesnāt have much of a choice in the matter. They have mysterious new benefactors who are setting up a trust to take care of tsumiki with a very generous stipend for her mom but they have to move to Sendai as a stipulation of getting the money.
Itās not until the attorney whoās managing her trust hands her a set of glittery blue butterfly hairpins that tsumiki realizes her mom sold her brother a second time.
The thing is that tsumiki had this one cheap set of butterfly hairpins sheād always stopped to look at in the store when she took Megumi to go grocery shopping. Shed never buy them, because they couldnāt afford it, but it was the thing she wanted most openly in front of him. She was always secretly really insecure about her hair, because they were the kind of poor where bar soap was a luxury they could only sometimes afford and kids at school made fun of how her hair was dirty and frayed. Megumi was the only one who ever saw how badly she wanted those stupid hair clips. If they had to give her a set of butterfly hair clips, itās because he demanded that they did.
Itās basically implied that the Zenin are the ones paying for her care and upkeep due to an unspecified deal they cut with Megumi, but when they approached her mom with it, they added the caveat that Tsumiki had to be moved to a new city entirely and there could be no forwarding address left anywhere.
The zenins stance on tsumiki is, effectively, that sheās a weakness Megumi needs to be weaned off of. They honestly assumed heād just like, forget she ever existed and he. Did not do that. He actually pitched a total bitch fit. Tried to scale the compound walls. Bit multiple people including the clan leader. But heās got the ten shadows, heās heir to the clan, and he canāt be caught up on some random non sorcerer who isnāt even a Zenin. They end up agreeing to pay for her to live very comfortably if he starts cooperating more but they want to make sure that he canāt ever find her again if he does ever succeed in running away.
Tsumiki is at once full of hope and hopeless, because on one hand, the butterfly clips prove that Megumi still loves her and remembers her, at least in her mind. But at the same time, sheās being moved to Sendai and doesnāt know how theyāll ever find each other again. She doesnāt honestly know if theyād recognize each other if they saw each other again. She wears the butterfly clips every day, even when she gets too old for the style, because sheās more confident about her brother recognizing them than her.
The thing about tsumiki is that she doesnāt understand hate. She just doesnāt. Her mom and toji always got caught up in these perceived slights and revenge and never once let go of the past. Theyād destroy themselves if it meant taking down the people they hated with them. She never wanted that. She wanted to live with the people she loved and sheād happily turn around and forget everything, all the pain, all the searching, if it just meant she could go back to being megumis sister.
This isnāt about hate. This is about that moment outside the car, where her brother was inside and she couldnāt get in to him. This is about how helpless and small she felt when they shoved her to the curb and ripped megumis hand out of hers. She needs to make sure that when she finds Megumi, she can take him home again. So she decides she needs to learn how to fight.
Itadori Yuuji has the constitution of an ox and the strength to match it, and he is known for getting in fights with bullies and trouncing them so thoroughly that itās never a question of who wins when the fight starts. Heās insanely physically capable and can hold his own in a fight with ease. Heās also nice and kind and Tsumikiās comfortable enough asking him to teach her how to throw a punch or two.
She is bad at it.
So fucking bad at it.
But she never gives up, and Itadori is nice enough to keep teaching her despite how embarrassingly horrible she is at it all. He always asks her why she wants to learn so bad, she doesnāt seem to like it all, and she never answers his question honestly.
In their last year of middle school, their class has a trip to Kyoto. She, Itadori, and the rest of their group walk into some random restaurant in the city and have barely sat down when someone comes inside, starts searching every booth in the restaurant while shouting Tsumikis name.
And oh. They could recognize each other after all.
She looked for Megumi in every crowd she was ever in, but she didnāt consider that he was doing the same. Or that he would see her first.
Her brother grew up without her seeing it. Hes older, dressed in strange, expensive clothes, has a slightly bruised up face and split lip, but his eyes are the same, and he looks like the brother she remembered.
But a lot more nervous than Megumi ever was. He was a tiny, stoic child who didnāt take any shit and never showed fear, even when there were monsters that only he could see. But heās nervous when he tells her that she probably doesnāt recognize him or remember him, but when she was a lot younger, heā
Megumi. Heās her little brother. Of course she remembers him. Sheās been looking for him everywhere.
Megumi didnāt smile much as a child, but he smiles at her then. He tells her he doesnāt have a lot of time and she tells him that they can leave out the back, and he never let her hold his hand as a child but he takes her hand so easily in that second. And just for a second, sheās his sister again, and itās everything she wanted.
They never make it out the back.
Two men come in. Megumi calls one of them uncle, and he goes stiff and flat the second he sees him. His uncle apologizes for his nephew, tells everyone that he always makes scenes when theyāre out in public, tells him to apologize to the nice people and leave. Megumi was mistaken.
Tsumiki trĆes to keep ahold of his hand. Really, she does. She tries to tell people to call the police. But megumis āuncleā steps towards her and Megumi slams him into a table, and then suddenly Megumiās the one insisting that they leave immediately. They can go. Itās fine. Theyāre leaving. She loses ahold of his hand.
She tries to follow, but the other man restrains her. She learns that sheās better at slamming plates into peoples heads than she is at punching, and at this point itadoris Friend In Danger Override has been triggered and he fucking tackles the dude, which gives tsumiki the clearing that she needs to chase outside after her brother. She gets out just in time to see him be pushed into a car, and sheās had years to think about the last time this happened and figure out what to do differently. She throws herself in front of the car and refuses to move.
See her entire stance is that sheāll sooner get run over and killed in the street than let them do this a second time, but she also can see Megumi trying to fucking punch the drivers head in from behind because heās about to hit his sister. His uncles trying to restrain him, and just for a second, she sees his hands make the shape of the shadow puppets he used to show her as children. Something invisible slams her out of the way just as his uncle knocks him out.
She picks up a rock and tries to smash in the fucking window with it, and itadori has to pull her out of the way to keep her from getting her feet run over when the car finally tears out of the parking lot. She goes ballistic on him for stopping her because her brother was right there and she lost him again and she didnāt even get the license plate. He was right there.
The police basically do jack all again. Thereās no license plate, no names they can follow up on, and theyāre still half convinced this is a settled custody issue even though tsumiki insists her brother was sold by his dad and is very plainly getting hurt wherever he is. Itadori is now a devoted advocate of finding tsumikis brother and reuniting them, and both basically kind of end up becoming really close to the other? Heās taking care of himself and his grandpa alone, sheās alone while her moms awol again, and they both become the others support system.
At one point, thereās this random girl and boy who doesnāt speak who shows up to their school for indeterminate reasons. The girl is bored and twirling her glasses in one hand while the person in a suit that theyāre with asks the principal questions, and when tsumikis eyes catch at the right angle, she sees an invisible monster clinging to a classmates back through them. She realizes itās exactly what Megumi always talked about and still remembers that the people who took him could see his dogs. She corners the two others in a room and tries to demand information about the invisible monsters or see if they know her brother or the people who took him, and immediately gets blown off. The fight escalates until the girl tells him that actually, yeah. She knows tsumikis brother. He is a very special person to some very powerful people, and the only way she can ever help him is to tell him that sheās let go of him and that he needs to do the same to her. Thatās the only message that the people who have him would ever let get through, and his life would get a lot better as soon as he got it.
The people who have him would give him anything in the world, except for her. He could be a lot happier and healthier than he is right now if he just agreed to stop trying to find tsumiki. If she really wants to help her brother, then she needs to let him go.
Tsumiki nails her in the back of the head with a milk carton when she tries to walk away. It sloshes out on her. Tsumiki did not intend this. She cannot admit that fact. There are some actions you just have to own when you do them. She tells the girl that heās her brother and sheās never letting go of him. Sheās going to find him. They canāt keep him from her forever. She doesnāt care how long it takes her.
For a second, tsumiki really thinks this girl is going to kick her ass, but she doesnāt. She wishes her luck and tells her sheāll need it, and itās only later that tsumiki realizes she slipped the eyeglasses into her pocket.
And as it turns out, her brothers monsters were real all along.
There was a knife that toji left in the frame of his bed. Tsumiki confiscated it from Megumi as soon as he found it, and it was odd and strange and gave her bad feelings when she held it, and it can kill the things that gather on her back. When she follows Itadori to their local high school and joins the occult club in an attempt to find more people involved in this world of invisible monsters, she wears the eyeglasses and keeps the knife hidden in her bag.
It comes in handy when her senpais are trying to open this thing and suddenly thereās like a fucking portal opening and Actually Letās Not Oh Too Late Letās Run Letās Fucking Run.
They run.
Meanwhile at the hospital Megumi found out in very quick succession that his sister has fucking sukunas finger and also that thereās a very over enthusiastic himbo who is the self appointed vice president of the Find Fushiguro Megumi And Bring Him Home Club who absolutely fucking refuses to leave his side. Sorry who are you. Why are you so enthusiastic about finding him. Megumi sort of was the one doing the finding there was a whole tracking situation and him waiting dramatically in the shadows like they just did it.
Anyway they run very very quickly to tsumikis school where she is dodging she is serpentining this is a fuckton of monsters oh holy fuck is that her brother?
The fight goes bad.
Tsumiki manages to follow itadori and her brother out at a much slower pace because sheās not a freak of nature like itadori and shows up just in time to see her brother shouting at itadori to not eat the fucking finger while itadori is absolutely trying to eat the fucking finger.
She chucks her shoe at him. The finger goes flying.
Then the monster eats it instead.
Tsumiki: :o
Yuuji: :o
Megumi: fuck
Now thereās a bigger monster and the fight goes even worse. Thereās a lot of shouting. Itadori ends up with her knife. Then he ends up getting eaten and theyāre down both a knife and itadori, whoās probably fucking dead. Then megumis insisting she run and sheās insisting he shut the fuck up because itās sort of taken a decade to get this close to him again and sheās not fumbling the bag now because of a monster on the rampage. Have a sense of fucking priorities here.
Then itadori bursts out of the monsters stomach with the knife like the fucking Kool Aid Man and the fight is suddenly very over. Good job, team.
Gojo rolls up to his most stoic and eternally pissed off student having a dramatic and emotional reunion with his sister.
Yuuji, in a very bad whisper: no no so like sheās been looking for him for years but he saw her in the restaurant
Gojo: :o go on
Yuuji: and then he got caught by like, I donāt know, he said he was his uncle or something but the dude acted so weird and creepy and they put him in a car and Tsumiki tried to stop the car but they got away
Gojo: *gasp* what no
Yuuji: I know! Anyway then I start helping her look for him but we canāt find him anywhere until Iām at the hospital and he just walks up to me right?? And Iām like ādude I have been looking everywhere for youā and heās like āI have no idea who you are, Iām here about that fucked up demon fingerā and Iām likeā
Megumi, really trying to have a moment here: we can both hear you
And megumis like āthis is uh. My new teacher. I guess. I am his only student. And he is uh. Enthusiastic. Do not linger in conversation with him.ā
Tsumiki is lingering. She needs fucking intel so he canāt disappear again. Where does he go to school and can she transfer there. Itās fucking wizard school? Will they take her even though sheās not a wizard? She cannot emphasize enough that she will study any fucking subject they want so that way she can be close with her brother again she does not care if itās applicable to her education or life. She can throw things at people itadori tell the man tell him how enthusiastically she will throw things at monsters for their weird fucking wizard school.
Itadori: she hit me in the face with her shoe like five minutes ago
Tsumiki: see???
Megumi keeps trying to forbid her from wizard school but sheās technically the older sister so she has override rights. She will go to wizard school. How does she get wizard school to accept her.
And Gojos just really weird and off and keeps looking at Megumi and saying that he ādidnāt know he had a sister.ā
He really didnāt know that Megumi had a sister he wanted to stay with.
And then suddenly itās like a switch is flipped and heās back to his normal self telling them to leave everything to him, because heāll make sure tsumiki can come back with them. And uh? Itadori? Weirdly physically capable kid who will apparently eat anything? Is he going to be good getting home after all this?
Itadori: actually if itās not too much trouble can I go to wizard school too my grandpa sort of died half an hour ago and I donāt have plans for the rest of my life. Tsumikis kind of my best friend and Iād like to make sure sheās all good at wizard school. Iām a really good fighter and I stabbed the last monster so like can I come too because you know. Dead grandpa. No family or future to speak of. Haha.
Gojo:
Megumi:
Tsumiki, softly: dude
Thereās more after they make it to jujutsu high but this is already really long so we leave it here
#ask games#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#continuing my streak of becoming obsessed with minor background characters#other highlights include itadori trying to platonically wingman for tsumiki with her brother (because itās been like a decade and she knows#nothing about him and he knows nothing about her and sheās terrified he wonāt like her once they get to know each other again) so that way#itadori can be the one asking the get to know you questions and tsumiki doesnāt have to admit out loud that she and her brother know nothing#about each other only the inherent problem is that her brother is actually unfairly pretty and has a sort of dry wit and is reserved but#when you get to know him heās such a genuine dude and oh fuck oh no heās in trouble this is his best friends long lost brother he has to be#violating some kind of code here. Kugisaki stop laughing at him this is a crisis.#gojo basically backed out of teenage fatherhood when he saw Megumi walking around with the divine dogs because itās one thing to butt heads#with a major clan over an outcast member itās another to do it for their most sacred technique#he thought that Megumi would be better taken care of than anyone else in the clan as the person with the ten shadows and that heād probably#be better off than with an emotionally broken seventeen year old who works at least 28 days a month and has no idea how to raise a child#he never realized that Megumi had a sister he wanted to stay with who the Zenin separated him from#he tells himself he would have intervened if he had known because heās been secretly worried and guilty about not taking in Megumi after all#since Maki showed up and said some worrying things about the clan heir and his standard of living and got the confirmation when he met#tsumiki and realized that he could have kept them together all those years ago and didnt. megumi and tsumiki kind of haunt him with lost#potential because not only could they have grown up a family but they could have grown up his family. megumi doesnāt know why satoru gojo#of all people is being so weirdly helpful and intense about about sponsoring tsumiki and keeping her close to him
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I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn
#I think I'm getting about the same amount of spoilers as a few weeks ago except now I understand them#But like. I expected so much of him#Seeing gifs of that one scene in which Gojo gets distracted because of Geto almost made me watch this a year ago#Geto was actually my favourite character in that one JJK fanfic I read that I mention so often even if he had literally one scene#I know so much of the emotional turmoil and conflict in JJK and Gojo in particular depends on him#And you're telling me he's Thanos?#I learnt a few days ago that everything pretty much happens in one year. That there's one year between Geto's death and Gojo's#I thought it would be like ten years. Ten years of the act haunting him#But no? So it's not a broken teenager who has these ideas and is killed by another teenager to stop him?#It's a what? ~30yo man saying Light levels of stupidity? Even worse perhaps?#Goodness I hope this is not so. I hope this is better written than what I am seeing#Because goddammit I can't do it. It would kinda ruin every emotional scene from then on?#That one scene I was so looking forwards about patting Gojo's back or whatever. The one in which Gojo gets distracted. It just. I don't know#I won't be able to be moved if Geto doesn't work xD#I was fearing I wasn't going to like him a lot because my expectations were big but oh my god please not like this#This is way worse than I expected. Someone tell me he actually makes sense. What's the point of this whole political play#in which no one is fully wrong and no one is totally right otherwise? What is the point of the haunting. This feels just idiotic xD#And I don't care about the traumas and all that. That works for the teen not the ~30yo man#It would have worked if Gojo would have killed him like 1-2 years after everything not like a few months ago. Last winter#After like ten years a 30yo man should have realised this plan sucks.#Even if it's utilitarian. Who is going to make clothes? Buildings? Streets and railways? Bread??? Go have a talk with Nanami please#We have been told there are not a lot of jujutsu sorcerers. How are you going to fulfill all those needs out of nothing?#And even if it were little by little so the needs could be getting fulfilled little by little too#If you decimate humans won't that cause more curses? I guess he's thinking on the long run but still this plan seems like a mess#I hope it makes more sense than it's looking it will make because of my god this would truly be the last nail on the coffin xD#I am being more and more tempted to get to Utahime and then just drop this. This is breaking my heart xD#It could be soooo good and it always almost is#And then. AND THEN. Abfksbfndbfkan#Jen pick me up. Come solve this. I am scared xD#I talk too much
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Omg since winter is coming my brain is HUNG UP on the idea of Dorian going with his friends in a trip to the mountains.
Itās a thing they do annually; there is a large cabin up in the mountains and itās where they go every winter. Itās cold and snowy and the perfect getaway for a while.
After getting serious with Manon he decided to take her with him. She knows his friends and it wonāt be an issue. He did ask her if she was okay with going first, because he doesnāt want to pressure her.
By that point Manon was becoming friends with Aelin (and Rowan) sheās also growing closer with Yrene because Chaol is Dorianās best friend. She sees Lysandra from time to time because of Aelin so sheās also good.
So going up to the mountains for ten days away from civilization didnāt sound too bad for her. She knows the people going and it should be fine.
Idk just something something about Manon making friends and having good fun times with others because my girl has been through enough.
#booklr#books and reading#throne of glass#manon blackbeak#tog#dorian havilliard#manon x dorian#manorian#yrene towers#chaol westfall#aelin ashryver galathynius#rowan whitethorn#lysandra ennar#aedion ashryver#to Manon it was a major thing to think about because what do you mean ten days of doing nothing#her grandmother would probably kill her if she knew#but she also wanted to spend time with her boyfriend#so she just went and decided to work while sheās there#but because of the weather and the location there was no signal most of the time#so she spent that time with heightened anxiety and just.. stressed#but she did try to have fun#as much as she could#but there was no helping the panic attacks that would come out of nowhere (not really) every now and then#she was so occupied with her grandmother and her reaction#then āwhat if im unable to receive important emails or calls??ā and cue another stressor#she really did try to have fun tho but it was very hard bc these thoughts wouldnāt leave her alone#at one point she was set on returning back home but Dorian stopped her because there is a blizzard outside you canāt just leave??? but she#tried to leave not listening to logic or anything she just HAD to back home because what if her grandmother canāt reach her???#sheās not ignoring her and she needs to let her know that
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doctor confirmed that š this guy š got pcos and i just got an implant to at the very least get my whacky periods under control and hopefully get them to stop entirely
#i also have thought about how i was cared for today#i go to a free place that has rotating doctors so i didnt see the same one that told me to get a ultrasound of my ovaries + blood test#previous one was a cis woman and she insisted me having multiple cysts on my ovary (that was double in size to the other one) wasnt enough#(for a pcos diagnosis) so she insisted i redo my blood test on the 2nd day of my period#which i didnt realise at the time is dumb as hell cause my periods are so chaotic im not even sure when they start and when they stop#the doc i saw today was a trans doctor (using iel in french! love to see it) and after i explained my situation was like#well theres no point to check your hormones here since we dont have a point of reference#and your ultrasound shows you have multiple cysts in your ovary so thats pcos#then explained to me what that does to your body & all that its not dangerous per say but its good to monitor and take hormones to help#and i said i was already considering the implant to stop my periods and they said that can be arranged today#told me the other alternatives and the risks associated with the implant but tbh my choice was already made#i mean of course idk how much cisness and transness has anything to do with this#but i had seen another cis doctor about my periods being whack when they started being whack#and he did an ultrasound saw nothing and was like āwell nothing wrong with youā and that was the end of it#i definitely felt more comfortable and better cared for in the hands of a peer#(also i had to try three pharmacy to get the implant cause the other ones were out of it#walked way more today than planned but good day regardless!)
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one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao
#moogletalks#in some ways it was a wonderful community; and it taught me a lot of really helpful things#and made me feel validated and hopeful that This is a Thing That You Can Continue to Be and Develop in an Adult Life#instead of feeling like there was a time limit for when plurality stopped being Childlike Imagination and started being Craziness(tm)#(lots to unpack there lol)#.....in other ways not only was there Some Real Fuckery going on in the community in general; on an interpersonal basis#but i cannot overstate how horrifically toxic and damaging some of the things it taught me about plurality were#and how when i entered the phase of young adulthood where i realized the approach it had demanded of me was unsustainable to my survival#instead of having other perspectives on hand to go 'hey yeah you're not torturing your parts to death out of laziness if they go dormant'#'and/or if you don't spend hours of extremely grueling intensive work at minimum into maintaining them every single day of your life'#'and that if they dissolve into nothing because you Didn't Pay Them Enough Attention and you try to recreate them it won't be the same one'#'and if they DO actually come back as themselves they'll be horribly broken and traumatized and probably hate you forever'#'who the fuck told you that. oh my god?'#all i had to go on was 'either you're plural or you live an actual functional life in the real world; and i can't not do the latter atp'#and the result was repressing myself in an incredibly traumatic way i have just never fully recovered from even now#the fun cherry on top was that later when i *did* try to ask (very kind and well-meaning) plural ppl from another mental health community#if anything i described sounded familiar to their own experiences; or ones they had heard from other people#their response was pretty much 'idk that doesn't sound plural to me; i'm sorry; it's something where if you have it you know :('#me crying my eyes out for days afterward: obviously this reaction is bc i want to appropriate plurality to feel special#and am throwing tantrums at having the bubble broken by Reality#anyway. it's been a lot and yeah i really wish i'd had literally any other affirming plural community as a kid lol#ableism cw#internalized ableism cw#pluralitag#traumatag#adventures in mental illness#disabilitag
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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed
my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.
and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.
anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,
I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me
im going by metro which is quite safe
im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18
she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)
anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm
so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?
anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".
and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.
#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play#till 10:30 at night#she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8#this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house#and now that my brother is in class 7#he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30#he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like#one sentence#yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke#up in the house its all my fault#this is just so damn unfair#like literally insulting#im not a child what is her problem#what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate?#i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present]#and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up#my whole life i've been told abar late?''#and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play#5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30#and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude#with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play#im not even kidding she did a whole āi have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?ā on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi#after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other#she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit#and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12#its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how#like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO#istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy#groceries#i can cycle
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