#nothing new just jan peteh

[n3bismel]

thinking about seeing the most gorgeous man at the airport the other day 😩

[jokeroutsubs]

Joker Out Masterpost for new fans

New fan of Joker Out? Say no more! 

Getting to know a new artist you’ve found can be intimidating if it’s all in another language, so we’ve compiled some of our favourite interviews, articles and lore here! You’ve arrived in a wonderful fanbase, welcome from all of us here at JokerOutSubs! 

If you’d just like a short overview of the band and their history, you can watch this excellent Finnish summary of them that we’ve translated (14m 53s).

But if you want to dive into the details, then check out our timeline, full of videos and articles translated by JokerOutSubs! 

Timeline graphic:

Timeline in details below the cut 👇

Timeline in details: 

How did the band form? 

Joker Out was formed from two bands, Apokalipsa and Buržuazija. 

Apokalipsa included Bojan Cvjetićanin (vocals), Martin Jurkovič (bass) and Matic Kovačič (drums) 

They gained some traction with young people around Slovenia, particularly with their song 'Mogoče' ('Maybe'), which you can watch on YouTube here.

They came to the attention of Kris Guštin, who was inspired to start learning guitar! He discusses the details in this video (at 9:40). 

Kris then met Jan Peteh, another student of his guitar teacher, and at their teachers advice, they formed the band Buržuazija. 

Bojan attended their second ever gig in 2016, and decided these two excellent guitarists were exactly what had been missing from Apokalipsa, as he wasn’t happy with their current guitarists. He asked them to join, and they accepted

The new lineup (Bojan, Jan, Kris, Martin and Matic) decided to rename themselves Joker Out. The name means nothing, but they thought it sounded good and was the ‘least horrible’ of all the ideas they could think of. 

So, in 2016, Joker Out was officially formed! 

November 2016, Kot srce ki kri poganja: 

Joker Out’s first music video was for their song ‘Kot srce ki kri poganja’ ('Like a heart that pumps blood'), filmed in Jan’s hometown of Vrhnika! We eventually got this song on Spotify on their 2023 album Live from Arena Stožice!

Music video: Kot srce ki kri poganja

English Interview (from 3:37 to 6:05): Joker Out discusses filming the music video

June 2017, Špil Liga:

One of the earliest performances for Joker Out was at Špil Liga, a competition for young bands in Slovenia. They won, and recorded their winning song, Omamljeno telo (intoxicated body) in November as part of the prize. 

Live (33m): Joker Out at Špil liga

Interview (5m): Reflections on Špil Liga in 2023 

c.2017/18, Bojan’s attempt at going solo:

The band took a hiatus c.2017/18, and Bojan considered going solo at that time, even working with a few producers. He eventually realised that he belonged with the band! Hear him tell the story:

Reel (1m 23s): A1 Vajb - Bojan’s fail

2019, A change up for the band:

The band began working with their current producer, Žare Pak, and their videographer Mark Pirc, in 2019 - both of whom have been referred to as the sixth member of the band. This led to a change in their sound and production quality, which culminated in ‘Gola’ ('Naked'), the first of their songs to be a big hit!

Music video: Gola

Zlata piščal ('Golden Flute') - Best New Artist 2019:

Joker Out won their first Zlata piščal award in 2019, for best new artist (one of many they’d go on to win!) This is a kind of Slovenian Grammy! Covid interrupted the proceedings, but you can see their interview for it here (3m 59s)- 

Interview: Joker Out wins a Zlata piščal ('Golden Flute') for Best New Artist 2019

Umazane misli, and a new member: 

During the Covid times, the band began recording their first studio album, 'Umazane misli' ('Dirty thoughts'), which was originally going to be released in March 2020 but was repeatedly delayed until October 2021. The first half was recorded with drummer Matic Kovačič, but the band felt they needed something extra and brought in Jure Maček to help write the arrangements. They loved him so much, he never left! 

Interview (from 10:40 to 11:36): Bojan talks briefly about Jure joining the band

COVID times, and Cvetličarna: 

The band had arranged to do two concerts at Cvetličarna, a very important venue in Slovenia and a big break for them. This was delayed several times due to Covid, but eventually managed to go ahead in October 2021 for the release of their first album. 

Video (1m 14s): Cvetličarna promotional video

Live (1h 28m): Joker Out at Cvetličarna

Interview (34m 55s): Bojan discusses Cvetličarna, its importance, and Covid

Umazane misli album launch: 

'Umazane misli' was extremely well received! The band would go on to win two more Zlata piščal awards, Newcomers of the Year in 2020 and Artist of the Year in 2021.

Interview (37m 08s): Umazane misli album presentation

An acting career for Bojan? 

Around the same time as 'Umazane misli' was released, Bojan began considering an acting career. He acted in two episodes of the series ‘Gospod Professor’ and in another series, which was eventually reworked as a film called ‘Kaj pa Ester’ and released in December 2023. He decided music was his passion though, and he wanted to fully focus on that. 

Interview (from 10:04 to 11:30): Bojan discusses his acting career

Interview (2m 11s): Kaj pa Ester interview

Interview (2m 30s): Kaj pa Ester première

Article: Bojan on Kaj pa Ester

September 2022, Križanke:

The band got straight to work writing their second album, 'Demoni' ('Demons'), and decided to present it in September 2022 at Križanke, another hugely important venue in Slovenia. This whole concert wasn’t recorded, but we have an interesting advertisement they did for it, an interview and a clip of one song live from Križanke! 

Video (5m 4s): Full Joker Out Hotline trailers

Interview (2m 16s): Joker Out with parachutes to Križanke?

Live (4m 7s): 'Novi val' ('New wave') live at Križanke

Interview (44m 35s): Demoni album presentation

Another new member! 

After Križanke at the end of 2022, Martin Jurkovič, one of the founding members of the band, made the decision to leave to focus on his studies.

Video (2m 20s): Martin's departure

Thankfully, he was replaced by the wonderful Nace Jordan, who remains the bassist in the current lineup.

Article: Nace Jordan discusses joining the band

2023, Eurovision:

Joker Out were then internally selected to go to Eurovision 2023, and began recording their Eurovision song, 'Carpe Diem', in Hamburg in December 2022. To learn more, you can watch the Carpe Diem series, a documentary series which followed their entire journey. 

The first episode, recording Carpe Diem, can be found with subtitles in multiple languages by JokerOutSubs!

Video (16m 41s): Carpe Diem Ep. 1 - Hamburg

The band performed their song for the first time live on Misija Liverpool, a televised debut, on the 4th February 2023.

Video (27m): Joker Out performing at Misija Liverpool

There are quite literally hundreds of interviews with Joker Out during the Eurovision era. Here's one from just before the final, that we have translated.

Interview: Joker Out before the final on the 13th May

And a few English interviews that became famous in the fanbase! 

Interview (24m 29s): Eurovanja

Interview (8m 10s): Seize the Day situations

Interview (17m 18s): Tiktok Live

Interview (6m 30s): ‘Never have I ever’

Interview (14m 12s): Madrid Eurovision

Result

Joker Out came 21st at Eurovision, which they were satisfied with.

Interview (1m 36s): Bojan talks about their results

European tour and Sunny Side of London (22nd September)

Luckily, the best was still to come for Joker Out! The rest of 2023 was spent on an extremely successful European tour, and they also released their first English single, 'Sunny Side of London', in September. 

We at JokerOutSubs were also thrilled to interview the band twice on their tour!

Original Interview (15m 25s): JokerOutSubs interview in Tampere

Original Interview (14m 37s): JokerOutSubs interview in Poznań

6th of October 2023, Stožice:

All of this, however, was building up to Stožice. This is the biggest closed venue in Slovenia and Joker Out managed to sell out their October show there - an extremely important milestone for Slovenian artists. 

Interview (15m 4s): Stožice and their whirlwind post Eurovision career

Live: Full concert live-streamed part 1 and part 2

A lovely moment at Stožice was when former members Martin Jurkovič and Matic Kovačič joined the band onstage to perform 'Kot srce ki kri poganja'!

Interview (2m 4s): Martin and Matic discuss the experience

Interview (5m 9s): Joker Out post Stožice impressions

London era and Everybody’s Waiting: 

Joker Out spent the beginning of 2024 in London, where they wrote new music, did live cooking shows on Instagram and met the incredibly talented photographer, Damon Baker, who did a beautiful series of photoshoots with them. They also released their next English single, 'Everybody’s Waiting', in February. 

They sat down with us at JokerOutSubs to discuss all this on the 20th February!

Original Interview (59m 13s): JokerOutSubs interview in London

March and April 2024, ‘See you soon’ tour:

The boys then embarked on the ‘See you Soon’ tour, another very successful European tour. They played three new songs live during the tour, two of which we translated from the concert videos of our members!

Live:  First performance of 'Bluza' ('Blouse')

Live: First performance of the hugely popular 'Šta bih ja' ('What would I')

We at JokerOutSubs also interviewed the band a fourth time in Padova!

Original Interview (22m 7s): JokerOutSubs interview in Padova

Now you know a little bit about Joker Out’s history, let’s look a little bit at the members of the band as individuals! 

Who are the members?

Bojan Cvjetićanin - singer

Charming, charismatic and an all round green flag, deep down we’re all Bojan girlies! See him here on Cosmopolitan's Blind date, Portrait with Coffee and a lovely interview he did for Delo! 

Interview (8m 49s): Cosmopolitan's Blind date

Interview (18m 3s): Portrait with Coffee

Article: “If we believed that we were “kings”, that wouldn’t be us”

Jan Peteh - guitarist

The mysterious mathematician of the band, Jan and his cat Igor have stolen the hearts of the fanbase. Here he is on Undercover Mathematician and on Metropolitan podcast with ex bassist Martin! 

Interview (3m 26s): Undercover mathematician

Interview (43m 57s): Jan and Martin on Metropolitan podcast

Kris Guštin - guitarist

Known for his organisational expertise, 'slay pose' and 'cake baking skills,' Kris stays fabulous on and off stage!

Video (1m 5s): NGVOT backstory (Kris’ breakup) at Cvetličarna

Article: Interview with the entire Guštin family

Jure Maček - drummer

Described consistently by his band mates as ‘čaga’ (party), Jure brings a chaotic energy to Joker Out that we love to see!

Video (41s): Jure’s cheating (in school!) story

Interview (18m 3s): Sunday Chat on Radio 94

Nace Jordan - bassist

The oldest member of Joker Out, Nace is a genuine sweetheart who fit like a glove into Joker Out despite joining much later! 

Article: "Enriched by a special [Eurovision] experience"

Interview (18m 24s): Interview with JokerOutSubs in Umag

Get to know the whole band! 

They mostly do interviews together, so here are some of our favourites!

Interview (16m 52s): Vičstock Unplugged

Video (7m 3s): Joker Out pre-Križanke Instagram Q&A compilation

Interview (54m 42s): Multisciplinary panel at Bežigrad High School

Article: Joker Out for DELO

Article: Joker Out for Mladina magazine

Interview (6m 42s): Joker Out for RTV SLO

Interview (1h 1m): Joker Out for N1 podkast

We hope you’ve enjoyed learning a bit more about our favourite band! 

If you’d like even MORE translated interviews, articles and Instagram stories, you can find us on Tumblr, X, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube and Spotify under the name JokerOutSubs!

P.S: If you wish to share this post with new fans, we also provided QR codes!

[anxious-witch]

Inertia 1

Summary: Newton's first law expresses the principle of inertia: the natural behavior of a body is to move in a straight line at constant speed. In the absence of outside influences, a body's motion preserves the status quo.

Jan choose a direction of his life the moment he walked out of his parents house and cut all contact with them. He didn't want anything to do with them, or God anymore. Even his soulmark he wished he could leave behind. But when Nace Jordan joins the band, with a mark matching his own, can Jan keep going the same way he did? Or will the force make him change a direction?

Pairings: Jan Peteh/Nace Jordan

Warnings: pretty heavy religious trauma, homophobia both internalized and just in general and for child abuse

Notes:

Ao3 Link

Okay so, several things. I will try my best to post every Saturday if my uni obligations allow me, and yes today is technically a Friday, but I was just too impatient.

This fic is listed as explicit on ao3 because there will likely be smut in later chapters and I'd rather be safe than sorry, but you can check more detailed tags on ao3 link if you are not sure about something or feel free to message me.

Big thank you to my friends @domo-no-domo-yes and @wordpuddle on tumblr for beta-reading and helping me edit this

Anyway, enjoy :)

"I etch my own face upon my wicked flesh. / I am my own devastating god."

- Rachel McKibbens, from "Shiv," Women of Resistance: Poems for a New Feminism

The first memories Jan had of his own mother were of her telling him stories every night. How, when God saw how many people came into being and how they went through their lives lost and afraid, He decided to bestow upon them a Gift – a sign of His love and mercy - that would guide them to a person who would be just right for them.

A soulmate.

Jan remembered how his mother’s soft hands gently stroked his dark, unruly hair – doing her best to tame it – as she spoke of how a Gift of his own would be granted to him in a few years, that there were some ways in which he could seek the blessing of guidance towards the right path - towards his soulmate.

That was the reason why they went to church regularly. To seek the guidance under His heavenly light. To earn His Gift.

It would take Jan quite a few years to realize that was the precise moment when the metaphorical noose was placed around his neck.

When he was around five, his mother observed a faint mark behind his ear as she was cutting his hair. She made a brief remark about it, but said nothing more. Afterwards, Jan found himself tracing its borders with his finger while trying to catch a glimpse of it in the bathroom mirror.

The mark took the form of a vaguely pear-shaped outline, devoid of color and detail. His hand continued to hover over it, occasionally touching it, as he left the bathroom and crouched behind a wall, eavesdropping on his parents speaking in not-so-hushed voices in the living room.

"You know very well what this means," his father whisper shouted, "she has to be quite a few years older than he is, if the mark is already appearing this early!"

"Let’s not jump to conclusions. If she’s two, three years older…it's not the end of the world. What matters is that she is from good, Christian family."

Jan quietly tiptoed towards his room; his heart as heavy as lead. As he lay on his bed, unable to find sleep, he decided to do what his mother always suggested he do whenever he was upset. He prayed. Prayed for a soulmate his parents would love, someone they would approve of. A soulmate that would be the closest thing to Heaven in their eyes.

It had not yet dawned upon him that his soulmate should be perfect for himself, first and foremost, not his parents.

By the time Jan started primary school at the age of seven, his mark shifted two more times. First, detail and color filled the vague pear-shaped outline, transforming it into a brown acoustic guitar, and then some years later, it shifted yet again, this time into a red bass guitar. 

The whispered conversations between his parents became more frequent, and his father's expressions grew darker and angrier with each passing day. The only thing that seemed to soothe them was Jan accompanying them to church every Sunday. And so, Jan continued to do so.

Now, the church wasn’t all bad. In the silence of the stone structure, as the walls vibrated with the echoes of the choir’s song, Jan managed to bring himself to find peace. Not to mention, God was always good in his parents’ stories. Like a good Shepherd, he always took care of His flock who believed in him, including the lost lambs. So, Jan always closed his eyes and prayed as hard as he could. 

God at least, would not forsake him.

It wasn't until Jan reached high school and cautiously asked his parents if he could learn to play the guitar, that things started to change.

Inevitably, it took quite a bit of convincing. Guitar lessons meant that Jan would have less time to dedicate towards church and schoolwork, but since Jan was always a good student who worked hard to keep his grades up, they couldn't say no.

Jan was not ready to tell them that one of the reasons why he wanted those guitar lessons was so that he could spend less time under their watchful eyes, as well as attending church services. He could already feel his father's cold rage breathing down his neck at the mere thought of mentioning it. Not to mention, he was developing a taste of his own, music-wise – something which he carefully kept under wraps, as he knew the kind of music he discovered and loved would certainly be considered ungodly.

The last two years of middle school had been rough on Jan. Matej moved out just a bit before his twenty-seventh birthday, and his sister got married and moved away ages ago. This meant that Jan lived alone with his parents, with no one to divert their attention from him, which made him long for some time to have for himself.

Being so much younger than both his siblings felt awful. It was as if he was perpetually late to everything and stumbled through things his siblings seemingly did with ease. Worse yet, ever since he started puberty, his parents began asking him about girls he liked. Jan usually brushed off their queries by stating he was more interested in math than girls. 

Yet, if he had to be honest with himself, math class often bored him. He often felt as if his brain was constantly racing ahead of most of his classmates’, the problems he copied from the board completely solved long before anyone else finished. Truth be told, instead of counting how many times he mumbled “Hail Mary” for mouthing off at the teacher, his eyes strayed towards the boy sitting in the second row. He once counted seventy-eight eyelashes on the boy's upper eyelid before the teacher called his name.

His heart didn't slow until well after he left school. After that, he never looked at the boy again. 

So, picking up the guitar served two purposes. For one, he might get closer to his soulmate and meet her while learning to play the guitar – he did hear of the oft-mentioned stereotype of girls liking musicians after all – and of course, he would also have a convenient excuse to skip Sunday mass on occasion. 

Every time anything related to homosexuality was mentioned, Jan’s breath often hitched. He felt as if he was being watched, be it by his family or his peers, or by God’s eye. As if, if he ever so much as breathed the wrong way, or moved his hand a certain way, it would be obvious to everyone. 

And Jan never, ever wanted that to happen. Not in his lifetime.

Music was, as he soon learned, similar to math in some aspects. It was all about attention to detail and carefully reading the notes. Well, it was not quite the same as math however. Math made his thoughts speed up as he focused, while he sifted through all the possible answers. With music, however, it was as if his brain and his entire being focused on a singular point – one where he could simply concentrate on the notes and the strings under his fingers alone. Everything else simply faded away when music took over his soul. 

It felt like a prayer. Like for the first time in years, he witnessed what a miracle was, and found God among the strings. 

But what really changed his mind took the form of a tall, lanky boy who took lessons from the same guitar teacher. Jan often saw him either walking out of the building as he came to his lessons, or waiting in the hallway for his turn, as Jan was finished for the day.

It wasn't until their music teacher call them up for the same session and introduced them to each other that Jan truly noticed him. 

"Jan, this is Kris Guštin. Kris, this is Jan Peteh. I wanted to suggest-"

"Wait, Kris Guštin? As in, Gušti's kid?!" Jan might have been raised in a Christian household, but he did not live under a rock, and he already developed a taste of his own as of late.

Kris sighed and Ema pursed her lips. She didn't like being interrupted. Jan grimaced.

"Sorry."

"Yes. He’s my dad. Can we please get back on track?"

Jan took a good look at the tall boy for the first time. His hair was cut awfully short - Jan's own hair reached slightly below his ears, just enough to cover up his soulmark - and he looked like he got dressed in the first clothes they found in his size, which consisted of a mock-collegiate jumper and rather short shorts.

Kris shot him a glare and Jan realized he was staring. He quickly turned his eyes back towards Ema.

"As I was saying, both of you have been my students for quite some time. I think you both are very talented and your styles are very complementary. I suggest you two get to know each other better and perhaps consider forming a band."

Jan felt his mouth fall open as his jaw went slack, but no words came out. Him? In a band? His head spun. Yet somewhere, deep inside his chest, his heart warmed and swelled with joy. A desire he never dared to voice suddenly sang. 

"With him?" Kris asked, his blue eyes widening.

Ema raised a neatly-plucked eyebrow.

"Kris. I realize Jan might not have made the best impression with his earlier interruption, but he is, along with you, one of my best students. I would not have suggested this if I wasn't certain it could work."

Kris considered him carefully, his eyes narrowing slightly at his necklace with a cross on it. Jan felt a twinge of self-consciousness, as well as a sudden urge to hide it under his shirt. Wearing it was more if a habit at this point anyway. Like a lucky amulet of some sort, protecting him from anything bad that could happen.

"How about the two of you think about it? We can have a joint session for today so you can see how you fit musically. Then, you can figure out the rest on your own."

To this, they both agreed, albeit Kris was slightly less enthusiastic, at least outwardly. Jan really wanted it to work out, but he reined his expectations. He never expected music to be more than a hobby, after all.

“How about I give you a key and then I’ll mess around a bit to find something that sounds good. You can join in if you think you have a melody that will go with mine, so we’ll see if it works. Sounds good?”

Jan nodded. Kris focused on his guitar and then slowly slide his fingers over the strings. Jan listened carefully, trying to get a feel of Kris’ guitar-playing style. 

The younger boy seemed to favor clearer, more measured and consistent tones. Jan on the other hand, perhaps partly due to the kind of music he listened to, had an inclination towards more frenetic, improvisational and chaotic playing, with more distortion. Perhaps…

The next time Kris began his melody, Jan joined in. He followed it with his own, fast-paced and improvised one. Not to overpower Kris’ own playing but simply to complement it. When they reached the end, Jan and Kris exchanged a look. Kris' suspicion melted away, and he gave Jan a shy smile. 

“That was…really good actually. We should do it again…this time, with a proper song.”

In that moment, something just clicked. It was as if Jan finally found the key to solving an equation he had been struggling with. And just as it was in math, once he found the solution to one equation, it was like finding a key to solve all equations similar to it.

“Deal.”

They did end up forming a band, even if Buržuazija didn't last very long – less than two years, in fact. More importantly for Jan, however, he gained a friend. Not that he was devoid of friends before Kris came into the picture, but the younger boy was different. He wasn’t handpicked by his parents and neither was he anything like Jan pictured a son of Gušti to be - although he did indeed take after his father looks-wise.

He could come across as mean at times, but as Jan soon learned, it was more the result of a combination of affectionate teasing and awkwardness, as well as a need for order.

His parents didn't approve, of course. Neither of Kris nor Jan spending even more time playing the guitar. But this time, Jan found himself no longer caring. He began sneaking out often, as well as lying regularly as well - making up extra classes and math tutoring sessions in order to spend more time with Kris and the rest of their band. 

It was on one such night, during a festival they were set to perform in, that Jan met Bojan. His band Apokalipsa was to take the stage right before them.

However, it wasn't Bojan's voice that made him notice him. Rather, it was the way Kris stared in his direction. Like Kris was someone that saw colors for the first time when he looked at him, his turquoise eyes staring into warm pools of deep brown.

It was the look of someone completely smitten.

Jan gently nudged him and Kris startled, looking at him wide-eyed.

"You know him?"

"Um. Yeah, we went to primary school together. It's-he just has a really nice voice, y'know?"

Even under the flashing lights, he could see the faint blush that colored Kris' cheeks. Finding someone who looked at other boys the same way he did felt...odd. It was not how he he expected to feel. Jan knew was supposed to be happy to find someone like himself, but instead he just felt disconnected. Like he couldn't quite process it.

He turned to face the stage. Bojan did have a nice voice and despite being on the slightly shorter side, when he began to sing, that impression faded away. He was larger than life and had a certain charismatic quality that demanded all eyes to be on him. Jan could definitely understand why Kris liked him.

"Don't worry though. He is not like-my soulmate or anything. Not that I have one. Just. Y'know."

Jan snorted.

"Obviously, he isn’t your soulmate. He ain’t a girl, is he?"

Silence. Jan turned to look at Kris, who stared at him with his mouth set in a straight line. He fidgeted in a way that he only ever did when he was nervous. The lights shifted in color from blue to red, painting everything in an almost menacing manner. 

"Oh. I didn't know you. Um."

Jan was confused. 

"That I what?"

"That you were homophobic," Kris said, his voice barely audible.

Jan's heart stopped for a few moments. Homophobic? The lights in the venue flashed in different colors at an increased rate now. Yellow, then blue again, then red. He began shaking his head as he felt Kris’ words cut into him like a blade.

"Homophobic? No! Why would you think that? I am not homophobic, I'm-"

He stopped himself, swallowing the word before it could pass over his lips. The forbidden word. The one he would never utter with regards to himself.

Kris stared at him, but this time he looked neither fearful nor suspicious, at least. More...curious, if anything.

"But you don't think soulmates can be of the same gender?"

It was obvious, now that Kris stated it. So why did Jan feel like he was being dragged from a very dark place into the sunlight? Like he was seeing things through a completely new perspective for the first time? As if on cue, bright green lights illuminated the stage, while Jan came to a conclusion.

He felt his heart beat in his chest like a drum, as if heralding an important revelation - something life changing. Something that he couldn't go back from.

"You-that can happen?"

Thump-thump-thump. Kris' face softened.

"Of course, it can. You don't...you didn't know that?"

Jan shook his head, unable to find the right words. Kris reached out and grasped his shoulder, squeezing it gently.

"Oh Jan..."

He was saved from whatever Kris was about to say, by the end of Apokalipsa's performance and the announcer calling them to take the stage. Jan stood up quickly and moved as if he was on autopilot. He could not bring himself to look at Kris.

Somewhere between setting up their instruments and the beginning their first song, rage slowly started to build up in him. His parents, the people whom he trusted all his life, lied to him. His father must have suspected for years. Did they not like Kris because they knew his parents weren't against the notion of homosexuality and same-sex soulmates? That Kris wasn't?

Fueled by rage and spite, Jan moved his fingers over the chords. Anger was all he felt, but said wrath radiated power. He played like he wanted his parents to hear him from their bedroom at home.

He wanted them to know how he felt. How he was breaking their rules, and that there was absolutely nothing they could do about it.

Ending the song felt like coming out of a daze. They were met with thunderous applause, and Jan felt overwhelmed, like every sensation hit him all at once. He only just managed to keep his chill until they got off the stage and he put his guitar down. He then broke out into a run, and took off.

Kris was calling his name, but he didn't turn around. He could not bring himself to do so.

He slowed down once he neared the school playground, gasping for breath. Then, he made his way towards the old swing set and sat on one of the swing seats. It was too small for his already tall frame, and he had to bend his knees quite a bit to be able to fit. 

The cool breeze lightly caressed Jan’s face as he tried to untangle the chaos that was his thoughts and feelings. For seventeen years, he believed that a soulmate was a Gift people got, and made the best out of it. That meeting the one destined for him was akin to finding the puzzle piece that would complete him. That she would make him right again. That all of these dark feelings, all these little rebellions he engaged in would become unnecessary. Irrelevant.

Jan realized with a jolt that he did not quite believe that for a long time. Deep down, he knew a soulmate couldn't fix him, or life, or even his deteriorating relationship with his parents. It was just so difficult to bring himself look at cold, hard reality. 

Lies…they were familiar, polished and smooth from many years of handling them. The truth on the other hand, was all sharp edges that made him bleed, just like the guitar’s strings did when he first began playing.

Tears slid down his cheeks, and he covered his mouth with his hand to stifle a sob, but finally, he looked directly at it. Stared at the darkness in the face and embraced it for the first time, rather than shrink back into the light. 

He had to admit it to himself that his parents loved the idea of him, a lot more than they would ever love him as a person. They only loved him when he molded himself into someone they could approve of, and someone he wasn't – and probably never was. When he was obedient, didn't ask questions and behaved himself. Like a lamb who simply followed, and molded himself to fit into their idea of what a good son was. 

And Jan was so tired of pretending. Of pretending he still believed in everything they said. In everything priests said. In the end, it was all about controlling him. 

He reached for his crucifix necklace, firstly gently stroking his fingers over the cold metal and then grabbing it with his fist. Then he pulled. The delicate chain snapped and Jan was left with a cross and a broken necklace.

He put it in the pocket, with what little faith he had left. He then wiped his tears away and got up from the swing.

Walking back seemed to take much longer than it did running away. Or perhaps Jan's racing thoughts finally calmed now that he had accepted the truth.

Nonetheless, the festival still wasn't over by the time he got back. He found Kris easily enough - he was tall enough to be spotted at a glance - in a conversation with Bojan. Kris immediately noticed him and after what seemed to be a quick apology to Bojan, made his way over to him.

"Are you okay?" He asked quietly, his eyes scanning his face.

Jan gave him a weak smile.

"I will be, I think."

Kris nodded, but still looked worried. Then he bit his lip.

"Well, actually I was just talking to Bojan and um."

Jan raised an eyebrow. 

"And?"

"He was really impressed with our performance and he...asked if the two of us would like to form a new band, with him and two of his friends? Since their guitarist are quitting after the summer."

Jan shrugged. There was no harm in hearing him out, was there? He didn't have to accept. And he did owe Kris some extra time with his crush after the whole ordeal.

"Sure, let's hear him out. I mean, not like we are making any life changing decision here."

He had never been more wrong.

Since then, Jan began distancing himself from his parents even more. He questioned everything they told him, and then stopped listening altogether. He no longer accompanied them to church every Sunday, and stopped caring about what they had to say about the music he listened to, or how he spent his time.

He slowly but surely grew his hair out, hiding his mark completely. He’d scrub it off his skin if he could.

After he turned eighteen and choose a university in Ljubljana, far enough that he would need to live in a campus dormitory or rent an apartment. Unsurprisingly, his parents protested. 

Jan told them that he was moving out regardless of whether he was accepted or not. That he would find a job and move out if necessary. 

"Why?" His mother asked, searching his face, desperately trying to find a boy she raised to obey her.

She wouldn't find him. The boy was long gone.

He reached into his pocket, where he still kept the crucifix necklace on a broken chain. He set it on the table and pulled his hand back. His heart felt like it was lodged in his throat, trying to prevent him from uttering the truth. He swallowed, then forced his words out through clenched teeth. 

"I don't believe in God anymore."

There was more he wanted to say. To explain why and how. But as soon as he uttered the first sentence his father backhanded him so hard Jan felt his lip split. He tasted iron on his tongue.

His mother gasped, but did not say a word in his defense. As always. Jan felt numb as he reached for his lip and found it bleeding. His father had never hit him before this. Yelling was commonplace, sometimes grounding and things taken away, but never this. 

It was the last straw. The final note at the end of the twisted hymn that spelled out his life’s path for the past eighteen years, one that was necessary to be play before it was finally over.

"How dare you speak to me like this, in my house?!"

Jan looked at his father straight in the eyes, without so much as a flinch. They shared the same eyes, and he briefly wondered how they ended up seeing the world with them so differently.

"Which is why I am leaving. But I'd believe in God before I'd ever believe either of you again. Only straight soulmates exist, huh? You are both such fucking liars."

Jan snarled those damning words with as much venom as he could muster. The second time his father swung at him; Jan caught his hand. They stared at one another for one long, tense moment. His father was pale, his eyes wide. In that moment, he looked older than his sixty years. Frailer. For the first time, he noticed fear in his eyes. His father was scared of him. Scared of not being able to control him, of what he was capable of doing next. 

"This is what it’s all about, isn’t it?? You-you are going through some kind of phase and you think you are gay now? That your soulmate will be a man?!"

"No."

They didn't deserve to know and yet. Jan wanted to hurt them. Wanted to twist the dagger, plunge it deeper, and let them bleed for all the suffering and doubt they put him through. He wanted them to never recover, just like he knew he wouldn't. 

"I don't care if my soulmate if a woman or a man or whatever. I don't want them. I don't want any Gifts from your fucking God, or anything from you."

His mother let out a sob. Jan let go of his father's hand and took a step back. He felt nothing and everything at the same time. It was as if he was encased in cold, cold ice. Everything that happened below the surface didn't quite reach him yet. 

The child in him wanted to draw her into the hug and tell her everything will be alright, just like she did to him, so many years ago. The person he was now wanted to spit in her face and tell her she was equally complicit and made him feel just as hopeless as she felt now for years. 

"Look at what you are doing to your mother. After everything we gave you-"

"I’ve already packed. I can go now."

Silence was dark and heavy. He felt his mother's stare. He did not look back. The two sides of him were still at war, and he didn’t want either one to win.

"Where will you go?" She asked through the sobs.

"To a friend. College is only few weeks away. They said I can stay until then."

His father slammed the table with his fist. 

"To the Guštins?! I told you that boy was cursed! He is soulless, that's why he doesn't have a soulmate!"

Jan bristled at the slight against his best friend and stared at his father in grim silence for a few moments, before grabbing the discarded crucifix from the table and throwing it at him. It hit the older man squarely in the forehead, making a small cut that started bleeding immediately. Jan felt tears stinging his eyes and threatening to fall. Tears of rage and betrayal and grief, all at once. He held them back, before raising his chin and retorting, the final remnants of the lamb in him burning away to reveal a wolf. 

"The only soulless one is you! And I never want to fucking see either of you, ever again!"

He turned on his heel and ran up the stairs to his room, quickly gathering his suitcase and bags. Everything he owned and cherished was packed away in those bags. His entire life up to that point. Well. Almost. He kept wiping his tears away, not wanting to give them the satisfaction of seeing him cry. All the pictures from the church and of his parents – a reminder of the lies and the suffering he was leaving behind - were neatly set on the table. He only packed the ones he had with Kris, Bojan, Martin and Matić. He also had one picture of him and his brother, hidden in a math notebook. He wasn’t sure if he would keep it just yet, but he brought it with him anyways. There was still a glimmer of hope that he might get to keep his brother after all this, if no one else.

Nobody tried to stop him as he resolutely carried all his bags down the stairs and dragged them behind him as he stepped out of the door. 

"If you do this, you can't come back, Jan. You are adult. We have no legal obligation to help you anymore, or help save your soul from damnation."

Jan looked back at his father one last time. His shoulders were slumped, and he was holding a bloodstained piece of gauze to his forehead where the crucifix made its impact. Jan's own lip stung where it broke.

What relationship they had was past the point of no return, and he knew that for a while already. It was only a few minutes ago that they became aware of it. 

"Goodbye, dad," he said with finality, before he slammed the door behind him.

What little faith he had stored in his pocket that fateful night stayed behind in that house. He would never again find God between the strings of his guitar, nor find comfort in His divine light. Neither did he want to, ever again. But maybe, with time, he might be able to find himself.

That was the best he could hope for.

[umazane-muesli]

Jukebox January: Day 1

This is a tag started by @esskuesli ! Here is the info :)

I know it's past midnight in my timezone but uuuuh please let's pretend it's still January 1 and I'm not late (or let's pretend my lateness is totally intentional in honour of birthday boy and notorious late boy Jan Peteh)

Also I hope you won't mind, I kind of want to bend the rules a little bit... there are things that I want to include on some days that are not songs (but still start with each letter), like albums, genres, etc. I hope that's okay.

I included some spotify links for convenience but it's limited to 10 per post, so not all songs have them, sorry.

Anyway, here's my list for today:

A sem ti povedal - Live from Arena Stožice by Joker Out

Considering the nature of this blog, I just had to kick this off with a Joker Out song. I love both the studio and the live versions, but in honour of the concert movie (which I haven't watched yet lol), here is the Stožice version with the beautiful trumpet intro.

Aikuinen (feat. Vinttikoira) by Käärijä

Aaaaand here is a Käärijä song as well, of course. Aikuinen is one of my favourite of his songs, both for the music and the very relatable lyrics (or at least their translation, I still don't speak Finnish).

Avalanche by Leonard Cohen

A good portion of the songs I listen to are because of some other brainrot, be it tv shows, movies, books or anything else. Honestly you could track whatever I've been obsessed with in any given year just by looking at what Leonard Cohen song is on my spotify wrapped (his songs are good for soundtracks, what can I say). This one was used in Our flag means death, but also it's just a damn good song.

Look, is this a bit cringe? Yes. But is it fun to belt out while drunk at some lame village party? Also yes. It's a classic 80s French song (if you grow up in some rural swiss village that didn't know rap existed until like 2005 you'll know a lot of those)(yes i'm exaggerating a bit but still)

While we're on the topic of slightly cringe, I don't listen to them anymore, but shoutout to 15 year old me who was doodling little aliens everywhere because of this album. It's gonna be okay buddy I promise.

Literally nothing I love more than a good overdramatic 80s power ballad. Hell yes.

I love this song and also I have a little bit of a soft spot for Paulo Londra (even though I know nothing about him other than his music) because he's from Córdoba (Argentina) where I lived for a little bit, so it reminds me of good times :)

I used to listen to Charlie Winston when I was much younger and honestly his new album is a banger, I've enjoyed getting back into his music.

A Curious Thing by Amy Macdonald

This is not a song but an album, and it's very dear to my heart. Amy Macdonald is one of the artists I've consistently been listening to for the longest. I love all of her albums, but A Curious Thing is one of the first albums I bought with my own money as a teenager, when I went to London with my mom. It was the first time I was ever on a plane, so now every time I fly I listen to this album. Very silly ritual, I know, but I still do it.

And now a bunch of miscellaneous songs about which I don't really have anything to say but I still enjoy:

[jokeroutsubs]

[ENG SUB + Article Translation] Delo's Personality of the Year Bojan Cvjetićanin: They sing Slovene in Dublin because of him

Bojan Cvjetićanin: They sing Slovene in Dublin because of him

The frontman of the band Joker Out, Bojan Cvjetićanin, is a candidate for Delo's Personality of the Year. The energetic singer and talented lyricist remains grounded despite his popularity.

Original article written by Urša Izgoršek for Delo. English translation by @kurooscoffee and a member of JokerOutSubs, proofread by @flowerlotus8

All ten nominees are listed in this article.

Full article below the cut.

Delo's Personality of the Year

Bojan Cvjetićanin: They sing Slovene in Dublin because of him

PHOTO: Bojan Cvjetićanin says that his generation faces many unresolved questions that cause anxiety. PHOTO: Črt Piksi

The frontman of the band Joker Out, Bojan Cvjetićanin, is a candidate for Delo's Personality of the Year. The energetic singer and talented lyricist remains grounded despite his popularity.

With Joker Out, Cvjetićanin has achieved incredible popularity on the European music scene, surpassing any other Slovenian pop or rock band to date. They've exceeded their own dreams and broken language barriers, with fans singing along in Slovenian wherever they perform, from Dublin to Milan and Oslo. As an energetic singer and gifted songwriter, Bojan represents a voice for the young generation, which is declaring that their time is coming: The game of hatred is your thing, thank you very much, don't count on us.

The 25-year-old musician, along with his bandmates Jure Maček, Kris Guštin, Jan Peteh, and Nace Jordan, has risen to stardom in just over two years while staying firmly grounded. "Sometimes even we ask ourselves how we manage it. We talk a lot with our producer Žare Pak, who we could call our sixth member. I think I, as well as the others in the band, have normal life habits. None of us is prone to any excesses, so we don't have to hold ourselves back in that sense. I live the way I have always lived, basically," says Bojan Cvjetićanin, who recently told Vikend magazine that he is glad that sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll are not the guiding principles of their band. Joker Out is driven forward primarily by the enjoyment of performing on stage, meeting new people, and creativity.

What Bojan enjoys writing about the most is love, and he uses this emotion to describe the relationships within the group, too. "It's a partnership between five people, which is very complex. We spend a lot of time together, know each other well, and have learned when not to push certain buttons or when to offer someone a shoulder—not to cry on, but to vent." However, he also says there is nothing wrong with men showing emotions.

We briefly met with Bojan at Kino Šiška the day after returning from a concert in Zagreb and before heading to Maribor and Vienna, where Joker Out had two more sold-out concerts. That evening, when he could have taken a breather, Bojan also took the time to perform with the Police Orchestra at a concert titled Slovenia Breathes 0.0, because he likes to support causes he finds important.

One such cause was a concert aimed at improving the treatment of women with gynecological cancer. Cvjetićanin is compelling on stage and also when he talks about always adhering to the 0.0 rule behind the wheel. "My parents instilled in me the mindset that you don’t want to carry the weight of something going wrong because of one beer. I always called a taxi since I know people who have been deeply affected by the reckless actions of drunk drivers."

Life Motto: Do what you believe in, and trust the people you love.

The verse written in the introduction is from their hit 'Carpe Diem', with which they performed at Eurovision, and the song contains another meaningful thought: "We'll dance all night long/We'll love each other and play/As if we'll be gone tomorrow" Young people face an uncertain future, and Bojan says his generation has many worries due to rapid changes.

"We are confronted with many unresolved questions, more than ever before. They create unease, anxiety, and I think all of this can be felt. On the other hand, young people are treated as fully responsible global citizens, yet youth is often mentioned in a derogatory sense, as if it’s not yet our time to get involved in what's happening and we should just wait a little longer."

He never considered building a career outside Slovenia:"I always imagined a musician's life in the style of Tomi Meglič. Tomi was my alpha and omega. Only later, when I started writing in my mother tongue, Serbian, I began to think about the possibility of performing in the former Yugoslav region. As a teenager, my dreams were limited to Slovenia, and even that would've been more than enough for me," says the musician, who's grateful for the safety and many other aspects of living in Slovenia.

However, it seems that audiences abroad want to keep listening to them, and on their brand-new album 'Souvenir Pop', Bojan sings in three languages: Slovenian, Serbian, and English.

Žare Pak, producer of the band Joker Out

Žare Pak PHOTO: Jože Suhadolnik

I met Bojan Cvjetićanin five or six years ago when we were working on the song 'Gola'. For about three months, I put him through a vocal "torture", but I knew we could make something out of this boy. He is completely devoted to music, it’s in his blood, and he’s a great creator.

I see him the way most people who like him see him: he doesn’t act. He’d rather focus on discovering himself than playing a role. He's a very good person and also very intelligent. His charisma is connected to this.

Sometimes I tell him: Lucky you, whatever you do, even if it's wrong, you’ll fix it with this smile of yours. His smile is a powerful weapon. What’s amazing about Bojan is that he can make everyone feel like he has a personal relationship with them. When he’s on stage, everyone in the audience feels like he’s singing just for them. But that’s who he is. And because of people like Bojan, I’m happy to be in this profession.

[jokeroutsubs]

hey guys! thanks for all your hard work translating everything 💓 i was wondering if you know whether are the guys are single or not just asking for a friend

So the single ones are, according to an interview from May 2023, Bojan, Jan and Jure, while Kris and Nace seem to be taken! Here's their funny replies :D Article by Metropolitan.si

In an interview with Metropolitan.si, the band members recently answered a question about how their better halves have taken the news that they will now be spending a lot of time abroad. Jan Peteh replied, "My cat cried a lot. (laughs) We've been squeezing a lot lately, he has yet to accept that fact." Bojan Cvjetićanin left us in the dark or just revealed that he is single: "My imaginary better half reacted quite negatively to the fact that I can't take her with me, but I tried to convince her that she doesn't need a plane ticket anyway, or an extra bed, or anything at all, but she just kind of won't give up, which is the reason why me and my imaginary partner are going our separate ways now." Kris Guštin revealed that he is in a relationship: "My better half loves to travel, so she is happy for me and we love to travel together. I think she will come to watch at least the dress rehearsal, if nothing else. The question is if we will even get tickets." The band member Nace Jordan also has a girlfriend: "My better half will almost certainly be in Liverpool, so I'm looking forward to being there together." Jure Maček is also single: "My better half are the guys here, so they'll always be with me." (smiles) Girls! Looks like three out of five are still single! 🔥

-Translation by jokeroutsubs. DO NOT REPOST

[jokeroutsubs]

ENG SUB translation: JOKER OUT: The audience knows we’re a real thing, not just a three-minute performance.

Original article from Serbian website Zoomer.rs.

Translation by @moonlvster

JOKER OUT: The audience knows we’re a real thing, not just a three-minute performance.

Before the frontman of the Slovenian band Joker Out knelt in front of a Serbian audience last Friday and on their request sang “Đurđevdan”, the popular band that gained international recognition at this year’s Eurovision received a Golden Record for the single ‘Carpe Diem’. On this occasion, Zoomer spoke with Jan Peteh and vocalist Bojan Cvjetićanin, whom the Serbian audience especially like because of his background. Bojan and Jan told us that they look at their Eurovision success from a distance, reveal details of their tour, as well as when the awaited third album is coming out.

Which city has been the most memorable one on the tour so far? Where would you like to perform and haven’t had the chance this time?

We liked it the most in Ireland, England, Finland, Norway, Sweden, Serbia, Croatia and Slovenia. This year we’ll miss a few countries we’d like to go to, which are Italy, Spain, Portugal, Morocco, there’s plenty. I think next year we’ll perform in some of the countries we missed this year. Nothing is confirmed, but the team has hinted at us about the possibility of going to Australia, America and Japan next year. We want to return to many countries, especially ones in the region. It’s really intimate, homely, the audience is warm, they greeted us better than we could’ve expected. Just love.

That means next year is reserved for a tour too, can we expect some new music or will you be busy with gigs?

The first half of 2024 we’re going to live in London, where we’re going to create and record the new album. In March and April we’re having a month-long tour, then summer festivals and at the end of the year another headlining tour. So a new album is coming out next autumn. We hope. (laughter)

Is it true that the new album will be in multiple languages?

It is. It’s going to be in at least three languages, which are, of course, Slovenian, Serbian and English, and it’s possible we’ll throw in more.

The unexpected boom after Eurovision has, on the one hand, given you a stepping stone, and on the other hand perhaps forced a prefix that isn’t always appreciated in the music world. What do you think of that?

I would absolutely say that it was a stepping stone for us. I believe that our result shows we’re not just Eurovision participants, but we have proven to the public that there is some sort of story and a longer period in which we have been creating and that this is a real thing, not just a three minute performance. The fact that we are coming to Europe, that people are buying tickets to our shows and singing our songs for an hour and a half, is enough of an indicator of Eurovision was a catapult for us as you could wish for, and that we have passed that moment of a few minutes.

Do you maintain friendships made at Eurovision?

We hang out a lot, yes. With Käärijä, Luke Black and many more, Monika from Lithuania, Let 3, we keep in touch with the guys from San Marino, we even performed with Wild Youth on our UK tour.

Where do you like to spend time in Belgrade?

Jan has only been here for performances, but I spend the most time around Cetinjska Street, I’ll say Marsh. (laughter)

What do you think about socially engaged music, are there any topics you particularly care about?

As a band we agreed not to take a political stand. We’re a group of musicians and we always speak out if a violation of human rights is in question, but for other political matters we’re not the right people to ask. We don’t think it’s fair for us to influence people because we have opinions. Just because we’re famous and have some kind of influence, we don’t have to be objectively right. In terms of social topics, we already sing about them in our songs. Our job is to bring people together into one space and to create a feeling of closeness, love and unity in them.

[anxious-witch]

Inertia 5

Summary: Newton's first law expresses the principle of inertia: the natural behavior of a body is to move in a straight line at constant speed. In the absence of outside influences, a body's motion preserves the status quo.

Jan choose a direction of his life the moment he walked out of his parents house and cut all contact with them. He didn't want anything to do with them, or God anymore. Even his soulmark he wished he could leave behind. But when Nace Jordan joins the band, with a mark matching his own, can Jan keep going the same way he did? Or will the force make him change a direction?

Pairings: Jan Peteh/Nace Jordan

Warnings: Warnings for mentions of alcohol and drinking, talk about religion, religious trauma mentioned(as in every chapter let's be real), character hinting at past religious trauma and homophobia, crying, character having a panic attack near the end

If I forgot something, feel free to tell me as always

Notes: AO3 link

This one is rough again folks, make sure to check the warnings. But that said, there is finally a reveal so! Buckle up, we are in for emotional damage

My rot is as hungry as me. & when God asks me about love, I always respond with cruelty.

Yves Olade, from Beloved

They were in the tram, the first time Jan noticed it. They passed the church on their way and Nace crossed himself, almost absent mindedly. Jan immediately felt his jaw clench.

The knowledge that Jure gave him sat heavily in Jan's stomach. Nothing changed about Nace's behavior, except the way Jan viewed him.

Once he noticed, he couldn’t stop looking for it. Jure would get a call from Nika and talk to her with a soft smile on his face and Nace got this faraway, wistful look. Guilt churred in Jan’s stomach, but the knowledge weighted him down. Made his jaw lock up. If he told him, Nace would surely expect them to act like most soulmates do. Jan just couldn't do it.

So, he didn't say anything of the sort. They made small talk a couple of times, but nothing more. Jan figured that was for the best.

Until one of their gigs.

They tried not to put too many gigs before the competition, but they still had to do them. And with gigs often came alcohol.

Now, Jan wasn't blackout drunk. He never was when he had to preform. Adrenaline and post gig high did its thing, though.

Especially because Bojan kept buying them new rounds-well, other than Nace and Kris who decided not to drink for the night.

"Does alcohol have gluten?" Jan asked at one point, knocking his shoulder with Nace's.

He overestimated the amount of force necessary for it, making them both stumble. Nace grabbed the table and then caught and steadied him so he wouldn't topple over.

Perhaps he has one shot too many.

"Not usually, no. I just don't take alcohol well."

Jan looked up to him and-fuck. When did they get so close? His brain was fuzzy. Nace was close enough for Jan to smell his cologne. It smelled of orange, cinnamon and cloves. There was also a sharper undertone. Something alcoholic? Jan couldn't quite tell.

"Jan?" Nace asked, his brow furrowing.

Shit. How long was he staring? He blinked, trying to clear his head.

"Don't take it well?"

Nace sighed. He opened his mouth when there was a loud sound of glass breaking. They both turned to look and saw that one of the glasses broke, spilling all over the table.

Jure and Bojan exchanged a glance and burst out laughing. Kris sighed.

"Perhaps it's time to go home," he said sharply.

Jan could safely assume that either the drink was his, or it partially spilled on him, judging by his sour expression. Jan felt bad for him, but he couldn't help but chuckle a bit at that, too.

Bojan and Jure left unattended, especially with alcohol, never meant anything good.

"I can take Jure and Jan. They live close to each other anyway. You can drive Bojan."

Kris shot Nace a grateful look. He definitely looked ready to go home as soon as possible, while Jan and Jure both lived further away.

Jan watched in amusement as Kris and Nace tried to separate Bojan and Jure who kept making faces and giggling at each other.

Cold evening air sobered him up a bit as they walked towards the car. Nace helped still giggling Jure to even walk without falling down.

Jan took a moment to appreciate how soft Nace looked under the soft light of the nearby lamps. He wore a warm, brown sweater and black pants. His eyes were crinkled at the corners as he smiled at something Jure said.

He reminded Jan of a bulb of warm light in the dark.

Finally, they got to the car and Nace helped Jure get in the backseat. He'd doze off in a minute, as he often did after drinking this much. Jan took the shotgun.

Only when Nace turned on the heating did Jan realize how cold it was outside. He shivered.

"Are you cold? I can give you my scarf."

Jan shook his head, but he shivered again, so Nace sighed and wrapped his scarf around him anyway. It was soft and warm. It smelled of Nace's cologne. It seemed to be rust colored. Not quite red, but not quite brown, either. Warm, like Nace.

Nace started the car and Jan sneaked a glance to the backseat. Jure was already asleep, leaning against a window. He was such a cat, able to fall asleep anywhere.

"Nace? Can I ask you something?"

Nace sighed. He didn't take his eyes away from the road.

"I have a feeling you will regardless, so. Go ahead."

"Do you not drink alcohol for the same reason you don't eat snacks with us?"

Nace looked genuinely confused at the question.

"Which would be?"

"Calories."

If he were sober, Jan would try and package it a bit better. Lead into it, maybe get Nace to admit it himself. But he wasn't. And he had never been good at being mindful and careful.

Nace paled a bit and Jan saw the way his fingers twitched on the wheel. Then he slowly relaxed them.

"I see you've done your research."

Jan shrugged. There was no use denying it.

"I did. But that doesn't answer my question."

Nace's hands tightened on the wheel. He still stubbornly kept his eyes on the road, not even glancing in Jan's direction.

"No. I don't drink alcohol because the last time I did, I started stripping in front of my ex's new boyfriend. Does that answer your question?"

Jan blinked, taking in that information. That was...unexpected. He really thought he figured him out. Then again, just because it wasn't tied to the alcohol, didn't mean Nace wasn't insecure.

"It does. Did you have sex with me because you are insecure and think someone being mean to you is fine as long as they find you attractive?"

"What?!"

Jure stirred in the backseat and they both feel silent. When he didn't awaken fully, Nace took in a deep breath. When he spoke, his voice was quieter.

"How the fuck did you come to that conclusion?"

Jan inclined his head to the side. Nace's eyes were narrowed, and there was slight flush to his cheeks. Was he angry? Jan knew it was slightly insensitive to ask, but really?

"Why else would you? I mean, yeah, I'm attractive but you could have picked a random attractive guy at the club. Or hell, Kris or Jure, if it's a musician thing. Everyone else was nice to you."

Nace stopped at the red light and too that time to rub at his forehead.

"I don't even know how to begin unpacking all that."

Jan impatiently drummed his fingers against the car seat.

"Is that a yes?"

"No! Jesus Christ Jan, I may have issues, but I don't have that many issues."

Jan huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. That made no sense. Why else would he do it?

"But then why-"

"Listen. How about we continue this conversation when you are sober?"

Jan scowled and turned to look out of the window. He wasn't sure why it bothered him, exactly. He just wanted to know. If he understood Nace better, maybe the morbid curiosity he had would go away.

"Why do you want to know, anyway?"

"I don't...know. I guess I am just trying to figure you out."

Nace's brows furrowed, and he seemingly had nothing to say to that. He drove in silence while Jan mulled their conversation over.

"Why do you believe in God?"

Nacesighed.

"No. I’m sorry, but I am not having this conversation with you right now. You are drunk and this is a complex topic. We can come back to it when you are sober."

Jan didn't pout. He just made an extremely disappointed face. Then he noticed how close they were to his apartment and went to grab his bag.

Except if wasn't there. Jan looked at the seat, where only his phone laid and tried to remember where he left his bag. Was it at the club?

No. Kris would have picked it up after him. That sparked a memory. It was in Kris' car. Jan told him he put enough money in his phone case and that he'd be the one to drive him home anyway.

He never expected he'd end up in Nace's car. Without his keys.

"Fuck. I left my bag in Kris' car."

He tried to think. If he called Kris, maybe he was still awake. Jan could order an Uber there and back. As much as he wanted to collapse from exhaustion, he saw no other option.

"You can just drop me off here. I can order a taxi back to Kris' place. Let's hope he is still awake."

Nace shook his head.

"Don't be ridiculous. I live five minutes away from Kris. And if he isn't awake, you can sleep over at my place and pick up your bag from him in the morning."

Jan stared at him. His thoughts came to a halt. Here Nace was, being kind again. Jan wanted to shake him until he stopped being so goddamn nice.

"You are seriously going to offer me to sleep over?"

Nace shrugged, making a turn towards Jure's place. Like they already decided on his plan.

"I mean, we are bandmates. I'd say we could even say we are friends, if we were being generous and considered your interrogation an attempt in getting to know me."

Jan narrowed his eyes. He had no good reply to that. Except maybe...

"Is it like, a Christian thing? To be kind to everyone?"

Nace groaned, his face twisting in a grimace.

"You are not going to let this go, are you?"

It was always hard to let things go. Especially things he was curious about. And a part of him wanted a real reason to dislike Nace. To dislike his seemingly endless patience and kindness.

No one was that kind and patient for no reason.

"I mean, maybe partially it is? But I think being kind is a given. I think we are all given initial goodness when we are born. It’s our decision on whenever we are gonna keep it or not. Why wouldn't I be kind, if I can be? Who does it help if I am cruel?"

"It keeps you safe," Jan said, so quietly he wasn't sure Nace heard him at all.

He didn't say anything back until he parked the car and then turned towards Jan. His eyes stated directly into his soul and for one brief moment, Jan thought he had given himself away.

"Does it keep you safe?"

Jan's body felt like lead all of a sudden. He was pinned under Nace's gaze and unable to look away. He tried to swallow, to find words in his too-dry mouth, but there was nothing.

"Does it keep you safe?" Kris asked him once, as he lightly touched the crucifix around his neck. Jan remembered being equally startled at the question as he was now.

"The best it can," he said, echoing his previous answer.

They stared at one another for another long moment. He saw out of the corner of his eye that Nace's hand twitched, as if he wanted to reach out and touch him.

There was a groan from the backseat and they both flinched. Jure blinked his eyes open and stretched, like a cat.

"Oh, are we here yet?"

Nace recovered first and smiled at Jure as if nothing happened.

"Yeah, I was just about to wake you."

Jan sat, feeling as if he was frozen still. His head was starting to pound and he could feel just how drunk he actually was. How unwise it was, talking to Nace on this state.

"Thank you for the ride Nace! Goodnight!"

Jure got up with strange precision. He didn't even seem to wobble as he made his way out of the car and towards his building. It occurred to Jan too late that he could have asked to sleep over at his apartment.

By that time, Jure was already inside the building, and Nace was starting the car again.

Jan grasped at something to say, but no words came. The silence was overbearing, weighting on Jan. With all the recent reminiscing, he didn't feel safe with his own thoughts. Not near Nace.

If he closed his eyes, he could almost replace the sound of silence in a car for silent prayers in a church, where it felt like everyone was barely breathing as they went over a prayer.

He shivered, even if it wasn't from the cold at all.As if he heard his thoughts, Nace finally spoke, breaking the silence.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Jan began peeling his nailpolish again. There were only a few spots left on his thumb. He'd need to repaint them tomorrow.

"Shoot, I guess.”

Nace drummed his fingers on the wheel. Was he hesitating? Or did he not expect Jan to actually agree?

"Why do you only pain nails on one hand?"

Jan blinked at him and then burst out laughing. It caused his head to pound even worse, but he didn't care. Out of everything he could ask, Nace asked that? He really was ridiculous.

"Wow. And here I expected something deep and profound," Jan said, wiping the corners of his eyes.

Nace rolled his eyes.

"That's for question two."

Jan rolled his shoulder, forcing them to relax. Kris always said he held too much tension in them. Like he had any room to talk.

"I bite my nails. Nail polish helps, but I am also awful at painting them with my left hand. So, I am saving the left one at least."

Nace hummed thoughtfully. Jan braced himself for another question.

"How do you feel about religion?"

He winced at the question, although he supposed he dug that grave for himself when he asked Nace about that just minutes ago.

Still, his answer came raw and unbidden and entirely too honest.

"I think it's bullshit. I think religion is a way to control people and make them think and behave in a way that benefits the church and people who are already what they consider 'exactly as they should be'. It's-horrifying, how they take people who are scared or loss or just vulnerable and use fear of eternal damnation to control them."

Nace was silent. Jan was fuming, years of swallowed rage suddenly bubbling up.

"I also hate the way they make them fear anything different. And if God forbid, you are different they make you scared if yourself. Of things you like, of things you want. So my opinion on religion is that it should be fucking banned."

He was breathing heavily, like he just ran a marathon. Too emotional, he criticized himself, you showed that you care too much.

"I'm sorry you had such an awful experience with religion."

Jan laughed bitterly.

"So you are saying there are different experiences? For people like me?"

A beat passed. Two beats. Then-

"People like us."

He bit his tongue. Surely not people like them, if Nace still followed the faith that hated them. Surely not people like them, when Nace still wanted to find his soulmate and tighten the final knot on Jan's noose.

"I understand where you are coming from with this. I really do. Many people do automatically reject anything that they found odd. We are all scared if the unknown and sometimes the church-and by extension religion, gives them a place to stay safe in. And people take that place and misuse it. You cannot stay safe all the time. You have to take a step into the unknown sometimes or you will never learn anything new."

Red light pained Nace's features in almost a menacing manner. Like he was a devil, tempting him to see things from his perspective.

Except instead of tempting him to sin, he was tempting him to reconsider things he made up his mind on years ago.

"So, what? I should just accept and obey a religion that hates me?"

Jan was biting nails of his right hand now. They were already way too short and it was likely he'd draw blood, but he didn't care.

"Of course not. But there are asshole people everywhere. Do you not watch sports because there are bigots? I am not saying you have to do anything, I am just saying you'd have to discard almost anything by that logic. I mean, personally, religion is more private for me, anyway. Sure, a mass in the church can be nice, but true prayer you do alone. Not because you are forced, but because you find comfort in it. That’s what it’s supposed to be like.”

It felt as if Nace hit him on the head with a hammer. Jan tasted copper as he bit of a part of his nail with too much force.

"That's not the same! And just because it works that way for you, doesn’t mean that’s how the overall system works!”

Nace shrugged.

"I never said it was. I am just trying to tell you that people can have different experiences. And how isn't it the same? No one can eternally damn you for liking men if you don't let them. You are the only one damning yourself."

Jan slapped his hands over his ear. His head hurt and he was shaking with anger and childlike helplessness. He didn't want to hear it.

"Shut up!"

He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't. Especially not in front of Nace. Especially not in front of goddamn soulmate he was cursed fo have.

He didn't realize Nace parked the car. Not until he touched him and Jan recoiled from him like from a live wire.

"Jan, I'm sorry, I was just trying to explain my perspective."

Jan shook his head, almost violently. He didn't want to listen anymore. He felt too warm. He pulled his hair up, trying to elevate some of the heat from his neck. He turned his face away as he felt the tears bubble up.

Nace's gasp brought him out of his haze. That and him lightly touching right behind his right ear. Exactly where his soulmark burned like a brand. Well it did, up until Nace touched it and then the burning stopped, as if soothed by his touch. Jan unconsciously leaned into the touch for a moment, until his brain registered what was happening.

He jerked away once again, his panicked eyes meeting Nace's shocked ones.

"Your mark. It matches-"

Jan did the only thing he could think of. He grabbed his phone, unbuckled his belt and made a run for it. He stumbled a bit, but blind panic and adrenaline kicked in.

He heard Nace calling his name but he didn't turn. He was close enough to Kris' building to know the way, even through the tears and the haze of alcohol.

His muscles burned and he was panting by the time he reached Kris' door. Then he rang the doorbell and insistently knocked.

It took about a minute before Kris opened the door, clearly half asleep and in his pajamas. As soon as he saw the state Jan was in, he went pale.

"Jan? What happened? Are you okay?"

Tears came unbidden then and he half stumbled into his best friend. Kris barely managed to hold him upright and close the door behind them.

"I fucked up. I fucked up so bad, he knows. He knows, Kris. I need to call Matej to remove the soulmark as soon as possible. I need to-"

"Hey, hey, hey. Breathe. I got you."

Jan sobbed into his chest. He wasn't sure when was the last time he cried in front of someone like this. He cried for all the times he didn't. He cried for his younger self and the unfairness of fate.

Maybe if he and Nace met earlier, they could have stood a chance. Before Jan became the way he was. While he could still return Nace's feelings.

Kris managed to maneuver them to the living room and sat them both down on the couch. He didn't even complain about Jan not taking his shoes off. He just held him tightly until Jan's tears stopped.

God, was his head pounding. He felt thirsty, too. But too tired to get up.

"I'll get you some water."

How did Kris always manage to know what Jan needed? How did he keep saving him, over and over?

Kris handed him the glass of water and didn't say anything until he stopped drinking. Only when Jan put the empty glass on the table did he speak.

"What was that about Matej and removing your soulmark?"

Jan was so tired. Too tired to lie, or brush him off. Truth spilled from his lips easily.

"He knows someone who got their soulmark removed. And with that the connection. I asked him to do it, but he said I have to wait six months. But now, surely he'll realize I have to do it sooner. Now that Nace knows I-I can't."

Kris took in a sharp breath. His face had gone pale and he stared at Jan with an almost betrayed expression.

"You-you can't. Jan that's not something you can decide on your own! Nace will be affected too!"

For the second time that night, Jan covered his ears.

"I don't care, I don't care, stop it! Can everyone just fucking stop?!"

His friend stared at him in shock. Jan tried to recall if he ever had such a breakdown. The closest must have been after he cut contact with his family. And even then, it was simply a few controlled tears.

This wasn't controlled in any way. Jan felt so far away from any sort of sense and control it scared him, but he just couldn't stop it.

Kris hugged him again, and it felt almost as if he was trying to protect him. To shield him from his own pain.

"I kept hearing the church bells when I couldn't sleep. Like they were taunting me. And my father keeps trying to send me messages and I-I feel like I am going mad, Kris. I tried to be his friend but I can't be anything else."

Kris' hands tightened against him. He slowly breathed out.

“Let’s leave this discussion for tomorrow, okay? Just…breathe. Try to fall asleep. I got you.”

Jan was tired. And with how warm he suddenly was, he felt almost drowsy. Kris slowly pulled away and then unlaced his boots. Then once he removed them, he pushed Jan to lie down and covered him with a blanket.

It was far from the first time Jan slept on Kris couch, so he let himself sink into the familiar cushion. Kris rummaged around a bit, but Jan closed his eyes, uncaring about what exactly he did.

Only when the lights turned off and he left him alone did Jan began to drift to sleep. At the back of his mind, something was nagging him. Like there was an unfamiliar scent among all the familiar ones.

It wouldn't be until the morning that he noticed Nace's scarf still wrapped around his neck.