#nothing makes me hate my country more than independence day

[paskapoika]

.

[asterin-carstairs]

There is no place for political imprisonment in a functioning, democratic society.

Evin Prison in Tehran, Iran is no ordinary prison. Since 1972 (for 50 years! Half a century!!) it has been the primary site for the housing of Iran's political prisoners. Due to the number of intellectuals, students and other elite members of the intelligentsia housed there, Evin Prison is commonly referred to as “Evin University”. Many (my own mother included) used to say “Evin prison could declare independence” (because they have everyone. From diplomats to doctors. From journalists to students.). Many of the prisoners there are more fit to run the country than the current leaders.

Evin‬⁩ is no ordinary prison. Many of Iran’s best & brightest have spent long stretches confined there, where brave women & men are denied their basic rights for speaking truth to power. The regime is responsible for what happens to those inside right now.

Political prisoners aren’t the only innocent people there. There are innocent journalists, poets, filmmakers, artists, activists and LGBTQ+ people unjustly held in that prison. All because they want basic rights. All because they want to be treated with basic human decency.

As of 3:00 pm (EST) October 15, the Evin Prison has been on fire. Many who live nearby say they heard gunshots days prior to the fire. At least 4 explosions have happened so far and there will be more.

Two days ago Mehdi Hashemi Rafsanjani, son of the former president and an Iranian elite “businessman” Aghazadeh, was released from the prison on a break and was to go back after two days. He was told not to. After two days of him not being there, the prison burns down with explosions and gunshots that can be heard from streets away. Coincidence? I think not. Even though they “arrested” one of their people, he wasn’t there when Evin caught fire. The elite will never get hurt because they ARE the regime.

Tehran is taken over by the scent of blood and smoke.

The Islamic Republic is responsible for all those lives unjustly behind bars. Tonight they commit arson in the name of arson. They will attempt to say it didn’t happen or that it was an accident. A gas leak or some other lie. They did this just like they did everything else. Here’s just to name a few:

Cinema Rex Fire (1978), Sanchi Ship (2018), Metropol Building Collapse (2022), Flight 752 (2020), Massacre of 1988, Plasco Building fire (2017), Violent raids on the dormitory of Tehran University (1999), the continues hate crimes (rapes, conversion and killings) or non-muslims, not to mention the amount of people who’ve died due to poverty and/or in protests.

Just days ago, government forces attacked an intermediate school in Ardabil, Iran. A pre-school aged girl was beaten to death (at her school, in front of her peers) for engaging in protests.

For the Islamic Republic Regime of Iran, it has always been geniuses vs. guns.

There is nothing we can do but to spread the word. To spread awareness. To make Iran-related hashtags trending again.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would use my Tumblr account, which is meant to be for me to interact with people in different fandoms all in good fun, to talk about something like this. I feel so terrified and helpless. Pease repost!

@khaleesiofalicante @carelessflower @magnus-the-maqnificent @dustandducks @nancylou444 @machiavelien @paranoidbean @anyushk4 @heavenhatesme @pineapplecrispy

[sasquapossum]

"What should Israel do, if not this?"

That seems to be a common reply when anyone criticizes Israel's unwarranted escalation in Gaza. Usually it's accompanied by some kind of insinuation that the critic hates Israel and wants all Jewish people to die. See my well poisoning post about why that's a bullshit coward's tactic (unless it's deliberate disinformation, which that post also covers). I'll get to my answer in a moment, but first...

I do condemn Hamas, and particularly their recent actions. Strongly. Unequivocally. I mourn the loss of innocent life and dignity. I condemn those actions because I mourn those things, which is also why I condemn Israel's actions both before and after. I have always been and always will be less focused on Israel vs. Palestine, which is an enormously complex issue, than on choosing peace and compassion over violence and hate. That's the only side I'm really on, and it cuts across both traditional "sides" in most of these discussions. All I want is to minimize suffering - for the people of Palestine, for the people of Israel (many of whom disagree with their so-called leadership), and for Jewish people worldwide who are already being caught in the backlash.

OK, so am I allowed to have an opinion now? If you still insist the answer is no, GTFO or get blocked. Fallacies, disinformation, and gatekeeping are not welcome here. (OK, maybe some gatekeeping, but only by me because it's the gate to my room.) Warmongers are even less welcome. Are we down to just the sane people now? Good. Here's my answer to what Israel should do.

Not what the fucking US did after fucking 9/11

Invading Afghanistan, and particularly Iraq, was a mistake (which many of us pointed out at the time BTW). The latter was, of course, based on lies. Both cost trillions of dollars and - more importantly - millions of lives, to little lasting positive effect. Maybe we could have done some good in either place, independently of 9/11, with application of similar resources in different ways, but that is really a different discussion. For now, I'll just say what we actually did in the immediate aftermath of 9/11 represents a colossal failure to achieve any of our stated goals. Those people, "ours" or "theirs" or anyone, died for nothing.

What did eventually make al Qaeda less of a threat to peace? The term of art here is decapitation. We took out the leaders, one by one. That effort involved intelligence, often derived from cooperation with other countries including those we don't particularly like, and precision weapons or strike teams. We didn't have to "flatten" Abbottabad to eliminate bin Laden, or Kabul to eliminate al Zawahiri, and so on. One could argue that we were still in the wrong, but those actions were far less injurious and thus far less wrong than what we had been doing previously.

That brings us back to the present day. Israel has a highly capable intelligence apparatus, widely considered to be among the best in the world. It has precision weapons, ditto. Their ability to deliver precise violence to specific targets might be unparalleled, and has in fact been demonstrated many times. It was even demonstrated (though inconsistently used) the last time this particular conflict flared up. Anyone who wants to comment on Israel's actions needs to do so based on an understanding that these capabilities exist, and that their use was deliberately foregone. They weren't used to prevent this tragedy, and they're not being used to avoid the next one (or the inevitable next one after that, and so on ad nauseam) either.

I have many more thoughts about who in Israel or elsewhere has done what, and why, to produce a worse-than-necessary situation here. I'll set those aside for now, out of respect to people who are still suffering or grieving. I'll just leave this one thought: if someone can take actions which minimize suffering, and instead takes actions which increase it, then that's a choice. It's the warmonger's choice, regardless of culture or religion or circumstances leading up to it. That applies to Hamas, but not to Hamas alone. It's a universal principle.

What Israel should do is learn from the US's mistakes, not repeat them. For their own sake.

[wearingaberetinparis]

Fic Author Self-Rec

Thank you for tagging me @missgryffin and @kay-elle-cee! Those that know me, will recognise that I find it very difficult not to be critical of my own work, but I need to be proud of what I write more often, so this is good practice! (Also: how do you choose anyway? Every fic is my baby and there are so many memories attached to writing them.) Rules: When you get this, reply with your favourite fics that you've written. Then pass it on to fice other writers. Spread some self love.

Shout Out To My Ex (Series)

Phoenix Radio is going through a rough period with the arrival of the new and controversial Riddle Radio. Albus Dumbledore, founder of the country’s number one radio station, asks his team to get ready to rebrand. Gone are the days of family friendly radio, a show where two exes talk about where their relationship went wrong and deliver relationship advice live on air, named Shout Out To My Ex, is exactly what Phoenix Radio needs. Who better to co-host this show than Lily Evans and James Potter, two Phoenix Radio employees who absolutely despise each other, or do they? A Jily Modern AU inspired by Rachel Lynn Solomon’s "The Ex Talk". LINK HERE

ocean eyes (Series)

Lily Evans had been eleven when she and her family moved in next door to the Potters. It was the summer before she would start her year at Hogwarts, a prestigious school for gifted students. From their bedrooms, James and Lily witness each other’s highs and lows, watching the other grow as they go through life apart and yet very much together. A Jily Neighbours/Coming of Age AU LINK HERE

(Didn't I?) (Didn't I?) Didn't I See You Crying?

James Potter has fancied Mary Macdonald for as long as he can remember. Everything about her is practically perfect, except for – if he were being honest and he always liked to be – her choice in friends. For Mary’s best friend, Lily Evans, is a right shrew and, much to his dismay, the Head Girl to his Head Boy. Lily Evans had disliked James Potter with a passion after their first interaction on the Hogwarts Express. A dislike that turned into hate – never mind that she also has an infatuation going, but no one needs to know about that – as soon as he decided to make her life a living hell. Unfortunately for her, he also decided (a few years earlier) that her very best friend in the world was the worthy object of his affections. (Which was fine, really. She wasn't about to cry over it, for Godric's sake. She was a strong and independent young woman, thank you very much. And yes, perhaps she was a little in love, but it was all for nothing, so she had to keep calm and carry on.) Certainly, their complicated past would result in major disaster if common ground was not soon established. For the love of Merlin, though, why did either of them think it would be a good idea for Lily to help James woo Mary Macdonald? LINK HERE

The Very (Un)Ladylike Guide To Fortune-Hunting

"Without thinking highly either of men or matrimony, marriage had always been her object; it was the only honourable provision for well-educated young women of small fortune, and however uncertain of giving happiness, must be their pleasantest preservative from want." (Jane Austen) Lily Evans finds herself wanting, or: so her sister seems to believe. While out on the hunt for a fortune - again: that would be Mrs Dursley mostly - the affection of a number of suitors is most welcome. Especially when a young Viscount's heart is set aflame. A Regency Jily AU. LINK HERE

Lily In The Sky With Diamonds

A series of interviews with the UK’s hottest band, The Marauders, and the singer-songwriter Lily Evans, conducted by Nymphadora Tonks, as they prepare for the UK Tour after the release of their album “Lily in the Sky with Diamonds”. Everyone worships The Marauders. Everyone loves Lily Evans. Together they make hearts bleed. Inspired by "Daisy Jones & The Six" by Taylor Jenkins Reid. LINK HERE

Tagging anyone that would like to do this, but @annabtg and @practicecourts as well. I'm sorry if you did this already. I was obviously MIA for a couple of days.

[chalecbooks]

Chapter 1 - Perfect Shades of Red

Follow my insta -charles_.lec16

Summary: Charles and Madyson meet in unexpected conditions… will they continue together or go their separate ways.

Go to masterlist to find other parts to this series

Part 1/?

"Oh fuck!" Madyson shrieked before collapsing on her bed. "I swear to god I am the unluckiest person on this planet" she mumbled into her pillow before forcing herself off the bed and back to packing, she hated storms and with her luck the evening before she was meant to fly out to university there is a storm warning, a code red at that. "it's always the colour red" she mumbled as she jumped on her suitcase to try and close it. She wasn't expecting to fly out tomorrow anymore, her flight would probably be canceled due to weather. It was disappointing but not the end of the world, she could fly out in a day or two and still have time to settle in as school only stared in a week and a bit.

Finally closing her suitcase, she wandered off to the kitchen looking for something to eat. 2 minutes is not a long time but when you're waiting for your food to heat up it feels like forever. Staring at the small dish of noodles go around and around in the microwave is a tedious game but Madyson had nothing else to do until her phone rang forcing her to lose the staring competition with the noodles. "See even the weather doesn't want you to leave me" the voice of her best friend echoed thew the kitchen as Madyson put her friend on speaker allowing her to use her hand to finally get the noodles.

"Yes Phe, the weather doesn't want me to move! That makes so much sense." Madyson said sarcastically trying to suppress her giggles, "okay fine! But Mads you sure your going to be okay?" Phoenix said sounding worried for her best friend. "Yes, I'll be fine, I've lived alone for 2 years since we graduated the only difference now is that I will be in a different country" Mads assured her friend before shoving her mouth with food. "I know you will be fine with that you independent piece of shit! I meant with the storm coming... I know you hate them." Phe said laughing at Mads confusion on what she meant.

Just as Mads was about to reply when the rain suddenly started bucketing down and just as Mads thought it couldn't get any worse the loud sound of thunder sent shockwaves through her heart. "yea. I'm fine" she replied before quickly hanging up, not wanting to cry on the call.

"shhhhhhhhh, it's okay Mads just go close the curtains and snuggle up on the couch" she instructed herself trying to calm her rapid breaths and stop the quickly approaching tears. Knowing this was only the beginning she walked to the window to close the curtains preparing for the weather to only get worse she was planning so just listen to music and snuggle on the couch. As she walked over, she clicked repeat play on her favorite song "Till forever falls apart" mumbling the song she approached the window. "if the tide takes California, I'm so glad I got to- WHAT THE FUCK" she shouted as she looked outside the window to see someone sitting on the side of the road in the rain.

Now it was a test of morals, go outside in the rain and see if the man was okay and inform him that there was a storm warning, or the more enjoyable option close the curtains and leave the potential murderer alone...

Deciding to leave the potential killer alone Madyson wrapped herself in a warm blanket because she was cold only wearing shorts and a crop top. Grabbed her noodles and book before flopping on her couch and opening her book she was reading for the 2 time, it took 30 seconds, 30 seconds for the guilt to get to her and make her get up off the couch and put boots on.

She didn't see the point in dressing in warm clothes as she would surely be soaked to the bone when she got back and didn't want more laundry than necessary, as she reached the door the realization hit. Her umbrella was already packed, "oh well my good luck continues" Mads mumbles peeking through the door to see how bad the conditions were. Quickly she opened the door before slamming it shut again so no water got in the house.

Still hiding under the little roof on the front step she could fell her heat increase speed, "Madyson Fisher, you are not allowed to have a panic attack now" she scolded herself and without giving her mind time to create flashbacks she was walking down the path in the rain. The man seemed to be completely zoned out she may have even thought he was dead if he wasn't sitting up right. As she slowly walked towards the man the thunder and rain got harder "come Mads, pick up the pace" she whispered to herself breaking into a run as she got closer.

Now she was two feet away from the man who was still yet to notice her, "um excuse me Sir are you aware there is a storm warning for tonight?" Madyson asked them man after tapping him on the shoulder.

"Oh, um no I wasn't thank you" the man looked up at her his beautiful green orbs starting at her before quicky replying in a thick French accent before turning to face Madyson and getting up. Madyson in complete awe of the man's gorgeous face had completely forgotten about the storm. "Do you know where the Protea Hotel is from here?" the man asked still a bit shocked that such a beautiful girl would come out in the rain to see if he was okay.

"oh, that's like 1 hour way, how did you get here then?" Mads asked now interested in this man's story still completely oblivious to the worsening storm around them. "I walked" He mumbled before looking down and scratching the back of his neck clearly ashamed that he was so reckless, "well, my house is just there. So if you want to stay the night you can... it's too dangerous to drive or walk anywhere now." She said trying to get the two of them out the storm as she finally realized it was hailing now.

"Are you sure? I really don't want to ruin your evening" He said lifting his hands above his head to protect it from the hard snowballs falling from the sky. "Yes, it's no problem. Now if you would like to follow me before one of us gets hit in the head with a large hail ball" She shouted over the sound of hail hitting the ground The man just laughed before both broke out into a sprint towards the house.

Reaching the house Madyson quickly opened the door for both of them and just as quickly closed it, the two of them looked at each other for a second before both bursting out laughing. After finally regaining herself control Mads put her hand out "My name is Madyson, but everyone calls me Mads" She smiled "Charles" he said returning an even bigger smile.

[ellcrys]

15 questions

Tagged by @itstimetodrew~!! Thanks for the tag!! ☺️

1. Are you named after anyone?

No, I don't think so! I think my parents just went through the list of baby names for girls and settled on Joanna lol.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Uhh... I teared up watching one of the episodes of Blue Eye Samurai a couple days ago but the last time I Cried was on my flight back to Boston last Friday rewatching episode three of The Last of Us lmaoo. (I was like SURELY I won't cry on my nth rewatch... #rip to me)

3. Do you have kids?

*Puts on my meme hat* What am I a child bride?

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

Swimming and soccer growing up. I did ballet for like a year or two also when I was like 5. Since graduating college I haven't really done any sports, just working out at the gym pre-pandemic and then at home since the pandemic, although one of my friends is trying to start a pickup soccer group which I'll probs join if it takes off. Do want to get back into swimming again also. That's on my 2024 todo list. I've tried running as a hobby enough times to know that I suck at it and that I hate it lmao.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Does anyone not? lol

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

Hmm, probably their outfit; I enjoy seeing people's different styles!

7. What's your eye color?

Brown <3

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings!!

9. Any talents?

Ugh, no?? I can't think of anything lol. Being a procrastinator and the ultimate lazy bum (only half joking). idk man, I used to be proud of my writing and amv skills but I haven't seriously tried to write anything in probably a decade and I don't think I'm ever getting back into making amvs lol. Letting things go/being resilient maybe? I'm at the point in my life where everything is just 'it is what it is', but I think I've always been good at moving on from things tbh. Life's too short to dwell.

10. Where were you born?

Wisconsin of all states lol

11. What are your hobbies?

Nothing creative anymore, that's for sure (#rip). Uh, I love going out and doing things. I'm the furthest thing from a homebody so being trapped at home during the pandemic drove me nuts. Things I do on the regular include visiting independent bookstores, art museums, and seeing shows. I try to travel/see someplace new on the regular, whether that's going out of state/country or walking through a new neighborhood in the Boston area. I love eating, definitely a foodie. I read a lot (more fanfic than actual lit these days whoops) and watch a lot of tv. I also enjoy just walking around and people watching (will frequently walk around the neighborhood/city without any real purpose in mind as I go crazy if I'm cooped up in my apt for too long). I also love sending snail mail and exchange postcards monthly with a friend in London, and send holiday cards/postcards to family/friends when I travel. I guess documenting my interests on Tumblr can also be considered a hobby considering how much time I spend on here lmao.

12. Do you have any pets?

No, but I plan to adopt a cat when I (hopefully) get my own place!

13. How tall are you?

5'4" :')

I'd love another two inches... just two measly inches :')))

14. Favorite subject in school?

Growing up, probably math. I was good at it, and I loved how logical it was. I also really enjoyed chem, probably because it was the most math adjacent science (hilariously though, I hated physics). In college obviously computer science, my major. Though I've always loved my literature classes also.

15. Dream job?

Man I'd love to open and own an independent bookstore/cafe. Dream job for real.

Tagging (if you want!) @lordsardine, @goldshitter, @akechikurusus, @popflythesky, and anyone else who wants to do this!

[kika501]

A hot take:

I was watching bones and all and could not help but have the profound realization that white America are like cannibals. The feast on the the body of color, whether it be Latino, native, southeast Asian, etc, but especially upon the black body. They consume all that there is to consume: our food, our music, our voices, our art, our words, our poetry, our creativity, and our culture. But that's not all, they always want- NEED, more. They consume our bodies, our labor, our time, our blood, sweat, tears, mind, heart, liver, every single morsel they consume. Bones and all.

And once the hunger is temporarily sated, they go to their white pickett homes, stomachs full and warm and. Then they gaslight us into believing that we are lesser. They pack us like animals into pens of poverty and say it is our fault that we live in such a state. They mock us for our culture and creativity that they so readily consume. They say stop and wait your turn. Don't you see this is the land of the free?

As a black woman in America, I live in such fear that all that I have will be taken away. I fear for my love ones, my little brother and cousins. I live in such fear that I refuse to have childern in this country, for where would I go? To the doctor that mutilates my body, forces a c section when not needed, refuse anesthetics because they are taught that black people can't feel pain (and yes even in 2023). Why would I bring a black baby girl or boy into a world that hates them? No matter were we go we are met with mockery, disdain and violence. Our original homes are raped continuously by colonizers so that I am force to seek sanctuary in their arms. Why would I bring a child to such a world that seeks to erase and rewrite our history so white America can still believe the lie that this is a country stands freedom, independence, and justice for all?

I cry myself to sleep knowing there is no where to run to find peace. That, at 22 years old, I find comfort in knowing that I will die one day and it will be finally over. I will decay in the ground were my skin with rot away and they can no longer eat my body because it is black. This is America. This is what this country means to me.

Please understand that this is coming from a state of confusion, hurt and betrayal. The recent political climate and events have really sent me spiraling. I've come to the realization that I don't want to live here anymore. I don't feel safe. Every day there are pick up truck waving Trump flags and blue lives matter passing by my house. My neighbors wave these flags. I no longer feel safe being surrounded by white men as a black woman. I hate being constantly reminded of my skin color. I hate knowing that by brother could just be skate boarding down the street and some cop can harass him and arrest him for no reason. That no punishment will occur. I have no trust in the the police force, for they are just another gang and tool for white supremacy. I don't want to know my body could be beaten and tossed aside and not one thing would change about this country. I'm tired. Even though I understand this sounds like a generalization of white people, it's not. It's an observation of the collective white identity and whiteness and how it makes me feel. While I'm open to conversation, I know no one cares. No one will change their mind no matter how much I scream, beg and cry. No matter how much facts you place upon them they will never see us human but nothing more than the fuel that sustains there body and way of life.

Either way it was eating me inside and I just was desperate to share.

[etirabys]

maui night 3

No amusing drama to report today. I snorkeled with the giant, moved onto my fourth Stephen King book in four days, and had a three course meal at an amazing restaurant where I kept drifting away from reality. I've been spending so much time reading fiction that I feel like a kid again. I'm half in another world.

My parents are wealthy, and I'm indefinitely unemployed. Occasionally I wonder how these things will collide near the end of their lives. Just once, my dad tried to use the potential inheritance as the carrot to get me to do something that I didn't want to do, and I told him he wouldn't get me that way. It was true, in part because I discovered it was true and in part because I willed it to be true. He was hurt by this, although I was trying to communicate something complicatedly loving – that I wasn't holding up my end of our frayed relationship for the money. I think there's a good chance I won't see any inheritance, and when I simulate that, there's an amputated stump where an emotional reaction might reside. I imagine my sister calling me and saying "they left it all to me" or "they left it all to the church" and I just shrug, blank. Who knows if that'll be how I feel if it really happens. Greed is a potent transformative force.

My parents were poor in different ways in a poor country, and one thing I have never doubted in my comfortable life is that money matters. I found lucrative employment out of college, and then disappointed myself by not taking the common-in-my-social-circle pledge to donate 10% of my income to the charities estimated to decrease the most suffering per dollar. I increasingly needed Ritalin to defend myself from indifference to all tasks, and Ritalin increasingly made me sick. I told myself I'd take the pledge if my employment felt stable. It never did, so I never have.

I know I'm not giving back what I should. There's a moral dislocation in me because I don't donate, an alarm that has not stopped going off in a room down the hallway. But I'm more selfish and afraid than I am moral. I check my bank account and recalculate years of runway. I anticipate catastrophic medical bills, divorce, having severely disabled children. I'm afraid of losing luxuries I'm accustomed to – buying e-books without pausing to think about it, getting to be the chill guy who says "don't worry about it" when people break my stuff, traveling, takeout.

This is an odd little pyramid of priorities. I care more about having money than I care about satisfying one of my more persistent imperatives to be a good person. But apparently, more than either of those things, I care about having an emotionally authentic relationship with my parents. This absolutely amazes me, because the emotionally authentic relationship I have with them is dogshit. I draw boundaries they think are ridiculous and guard them like a rabid animal, I don't make a strong effort to hide my contempt or amusement when they do something that elicits it, and I share almost nothing about my interior life with them.

What exactly am I trying to do here? I value money and I'm not shy to myself about it. Why not be nicer and hope for payoff? Why this spectacular irrationality? One answer is that it threatens my independence. I want them to have no say over my important life decisions. The other answer is that I'm not a daughter that makes them happy to have, but using them would not just make me a displeasing one – it would make me a bad one.

(The answer to 'why not just be nice for its own sake?' is that I hate them and don't want to be nice. During the occasional interactions that get nasty, these days, I keep my cool largely because I'm buoyed by the hope that this might be the fight that's bad enough to justify breaking off the relationship for good.)

I'm bleakly amused at the ranking that falls out of my revealed preference:

not being nice to people I hate > filial piety > material greed > morality

[tendertenebrosity]

Back to Rill’s POV. Starting to need a masterpost...

 Prev: Part 1, part 2 Part 3, part 4

Tagging: @redwingedwhump, @whump-cravings, @burtlederp, @quirkykayleetam, @annablogsposts.

"Definitely not Imperial," Rill said. He let his head loll back against the wall, probed a swollen cut on the inside of his cheek morbidly with his tongue. Talking was making it worse. "Not anymore. The country, my country is called Saverain."

His fellow prisoner looked somewhat unconvinced. He was sitting in the centre of the cell facing Rill’s side, but he still managed to fill it. A rounded, golden-brown statue of a man -  not just tall, but broad, with a muscled chest and shoulders and a rounded belly, and a thatch of blond hair and beard. If the cell was cramped for Rill, it was doubtful that Jak could even stretch out enough to sleep.

"Never heard of it," he said.

Rill shook his head. "You are... getting back at me," he said, knowing that he was using the wrong idioms, that his grammar was broken. "For calling your home the Pirate Isles."

Jak chuckled. "At least you mainland folk talk of the Isles, friend, even if you use the wrong name. You say you're from a country that didn't exist ten years ago."

They had been working on Rill's Castar, off and on, for a few days now. Rill rarely had the energy to talk for longer than twenty minutes or so at once, and Jak didn't seem to begrudge him that. Seemed to understand when all Rill had in him was to curl up in the corner and hurt.

Jak was so amiable, in fact, that Rill struggled to picture him offering violence to anybody unprovoked, although he had quite cheerfully admitted yesterday that he was imprisoned for piracy.

"It existed, it just wasn't independent," Rill said. "Until the... My point - my point is, I'm not an Imperial citizen any more."

Jak shrugged. He flicked something, some bug or tiny vermin, off his muscled blond forearm. "Good enough for me. Explains why you're here, huh?"

Rill hunched his shoulders, crossed his arms over his knees, and didn't answer.

This conversation - exchanging names and origins, piecing together a language he hadn't heard in years and had never really learned properly, making things that were almost jokes - felt like trying to paper over a gaping hole. A gaping wound. Anything to occupy himself with that wasn't the sickening, hideous knowledge of what the future held.

"Your place must be a real thorn in their side, 'cause they sure hate you." Jak was still talking, across the wooden slats and a thousand miles away. "What'd you do to earn you all of... that?"  

A thorn. All of their ambitions, the world they'd seen, all of the tears and blood. Nothing but a thorn, an irritant, apparently. Rill knew it had been worth it. It had been. It still was.

Jak was looking at him, crooking his neck slightly to be able to see through one of the gaps. Rill shook his head, the way he did when Jak used an unfamiliar word or spoke too fast for him to understand. "Uh.... no, um, sorry. Don't know."

He let his head sink down onto his arms.

The officer on the ship - oh, God, the officer, Rill still felt that wave of shame to think of him, of what Rill had admitted the first time they'd spoken - had told Rill the last time they spoke that Rill looked 'better'. More 'lucid'. Swinging the pendulum back towards pity, away from spite.

Rill had at least been lucid enough to keep his mouth shut this time and say nothing; which was probably what had lost him the clothes. Still, however, pathetically easy to read.

Jak sighed. "You should eat that."

Rill raised his head enough to look at the ration that had been slid in to him this morning. Hard bread. Even if it hadn't been physically painful to eat...

"Why bother," he mumbled.

"Well, we're not hanged til we're hanged," Jak said, almost philosphically. "Are you sure we're going to the capital?"

"That's what they said," Rill mumbled, for at least the third time. Jak seemed dubious, for reasons he'd tried to explain, but Rill's Castar tended to fail him once Jak got to talking about ships or the ocean.

"That is weeks away, and we are still alive," he said firmly. "Got to keep your strength up."

Rill took a deep breath, let it out shakily. He examined briefly the thought of explaining to this inexplicably upbeat, inexplicably kind foreigner, in his butchered terrible Castar, the concept that if he was physically weak when he got to the capital he might not last so long under torture, which would be a miserable blessing.

He sat up, inched painfully away from the shared cell wall. "I'm tired," he said instead. "Sorry. No more talking for today."

Rill lowered himself down, to lay on the shoulder that hurt the least, and closed his eyes. He breathed slowly in the fetid dark, the wooden deck seeming to rise up to press against his cheek rhythmically, and tried not to let the waters of panic close over the top of his head. It is worth it. Saverain is still worth it. I'll never see it again, and most of it never even liked me particularly much; but it is and was and always will be worth it. 

Rill didn’t quite notice when he’d slipped into a miserable, queasily rocking sleep. But he must have, because he woke up to find the cells even darker than usual, and Jak hissing urgently at him.

Rill made some blurred, indistinguishable noise, rolled painfully onto his back.

Jak was a towering figure, standing silhouetted against the light coming down the stairs from above, hair limned in murky gold.

“Rill,” he said, eyes shining in the dark. “Get up! Something is happening.”

[inkisadream]

1. Cheers to the person in this hotel who just let out an enormous burp in the hallway.

2. No cheers to the shower at this 4-star hotel (that I am not paying for, don’t worry; doing absolutely nothing to make it happen aside, I have not become independently wealthy) that started whistling like it was going to explode a minute into my shower once I was all wet and had to keep going, even though it was 10:30 p.m. and presumably people are trying to sleep.

2b. (jk no one ever sleeps in this country)

2c. (ps who is going to teach the British and also the Europeans about top sheets. who is going to sacrifice themselves for the rest of us.)

3. I was so stressed about having to travel for work in amongst a gazillion tasks that have to get done but I went to a yuppie café in Holborn, ordered a green juice off of the menu that said it would “clear my head”...and it did almost immediately and I have proceeded to drink more green juices.

3b. (this is the most and only California thing I have ever said)

4. London rises earlier than the rest of the country, and something in me might be broken but I cannot tell you how affirming it was to walk into a Pret at 8 a.m. and have there be no seats left, then to snag one by the window and watch masses and masses of people go by. 

5. Generally speaking I hate terrorism-focused conferences because they are way too state-oriented and tend to be lots of white men gassing each other up, but this one involved exactly one white man panelist across two days and folks were On Board and it almost made me want to stay in this field.

5b. (almost)

[11919815125]

3/27/24

in regards to the phone call about the future/my ambitions

i think the reason it strikes a nerve when you bring stuff like that up is because like. my entire self-worth is built on choosing to accept my shortcomings rather than fight them or feel shame about them. when you're upset that i "don't care" it's because it was a choice that i had to make in order to cope and survive. when i was 24 years old, i was living with my parents, unemployed for almost a year and a half, no intent to use the degree that i went thousands of dollars into debt for, smoking weed every day, barely even leaving my bedroom, no goals or ambitions. i was a fucking loser. i couldn't look my parents in the eye because i saw disappointment looking back at me. i cut off almost all of my friends because i didn't want them to see me like that. the embarrassment of it all nearly drove me to suicide.

i had to decide that it was okay. that i didn't need to be successful in the ways other people define it, that i didn't need a career, that i didn't need to make my parents proud, that i didn't have to be special, that i didn't need people to like me, that i didn't have to achieve my dreams. i just needed to survive and try my best to be happy; anything beyond that is just a bonus.

it's not that the things you're asking me for are unfair, but they pop that bubble. they knock down the jenga tower i've stacked up so carefully. caring so much about those pressures and goals and ambitions genuinely ruined my life and almost ended it, and now you're asking me to make them a priority again, and suggesting that if i don't it's because i don't care enough about you or that i don't care about myself.

i feel that i am successful!!!!! with my worthless degree and my shitty kitchen job and everything i have going on now!!!!! this is not failure to me! i am so unbelievably proud of myself! i am paying my bills, living independently, working full time, doing my best to maintain the relationships i have, traveling when i can, cooking delicious meals and trying new foods, going out and making memories on the weekends, spending so many of my days with you. that's a life that's worth celebrating and i really hate that you seem to see it as the bare minimum. of course i can do better, i can invest more into the things that matter to me.......i just don't know if those are the things that matter to you.

saying that "a career is not a priority to me" is really the polite way of saying, "i do not want a career, and if i can find a way to keep living my life without having to do that, i absolutely will." you dedicate years of your life building marketable skills, going to school, interning, networking, busting your ass and stressing yourself out to get...what? your life looks exactly the same with a little more cash in the bank and a few more rooms in your apartment. it's so cliche but i really really don't care about the "rat race." i don't feel the impulse to keep up with other people, i don't value most of the things that you gain from playing the game, and i definitely don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks about how i choose to live my life.

i value freedom, autonomy, authenticity, and honesty above anything else. i value working as little as possible while still being comfortable and happy, and maximizing the time that is mine and mine alone. i value the people that love and embrace me and being able to share this life with them. i value experiences over anything material; nice houses and fancy dinners and expensive clothes and flashy gifts mean absolutely nothing to me. i want to go bungee jumping, i want to see the northern lights, i want to visit every country in the world, i want to cover my body in tattoos and sleep under the stars and get married to somebody i love and learn to play guitar and create beautiful things with my bare hands and hope that one day i wake up and see my life as a beautiful thing too.

and you wanna ask me about a fuckin job lol

[resmarted]

one of the perks of this work is meeting people with interesting stories and personalities and learning about these fascinating love stories. so many women who have been scorned by previous men in their lives meet one that changes the game and make them believe in love again.

can't stop thinking of one older woman recently who was so sweet and said i don't know if this is tmi but when we're intimate together i've never felt more beautiful in my life than when i'm with him. i felt so happy for her and wanted to cry.

one woman was a writer in her 70's living in an apartment she bought in nyc like a single sex and the city character and had this tumultuous relationship with a guy who chose a woman with money over her when they were in their 50's who "castrated him" according to her. now as the wife is dying or maybe passed, he is still in love with her. she said she isn't interested and likes her independence and besides, he is a catch for new york bc all these younger women want an older man with money, but he still calls her and wants to be with her again. it was a really intriguing reminder that life doesn't end for several decades longer than you think and people evolve and change so much over time. i told her he has really been learning some big lessons over the last couple of decades and was going to do everything he could to convince her to go back with him so they could live out the rest of their lives together in the country. i think about her all the time.

this is also very exhaustive work. it involves talking nonstop for hours on end and does a number on your voice. it is a performance on it's own, albeit sincere in nature, at least for me. i can't pretend one way or the other and imagine people who do must be so much more tired from their own performances faking it the whole time.

as much as i am not interested in doing this for the rest of my life, i do like a lot of aspects to it. specifically these older women who find hope in love again and being able to see the way men truly do change for the better.

i just don't know that i have the stamina to keep this going forever and am mostly just in it because it's considered the family business at this point.

i am considered very good at what i do but feel like a fraud in the sense that i was born into this and sort of just tumbled into doing it as a last ditch effort for employment. other people who enter this business spend a lot of their time and energy to build up their skills and respond to their own calling for this work. my mom had a very specific calling to do this whereas i tend to treat it like flipping burgers at a drive-thru. it can often feel like grunt work and nothing more than a day job.

that being said, i still don't know what my Calling is. i can never truly care about any one specific thing for long enough. i like to hold babies and make people laugh and sing sad little songs but i wouldn't say any of it is my One True Passion.

it's also hard to take the things you like and turn them into work. once they become commercialized efforts the weight of participating in it can feel very different.

i am scared all the time and never know what direction my life is going or if i even have a clear path of my own. life is very frightening in a myriad of ways and this world is so hell bent on making us lick boots for small fractions of the cost of living. i hate it and want to fight it but am also very tired and undereducated. i once felt i could inspire the masses to revolt but lately i want to hide in a cave and remain unseen for the rest of my days.

it will probably all be fine.

anyway. love you bye

[keenexpressions]

Xiaomin Yu

1. Name, Year, & Major

Xiaomin Yu, 1st Year, Biological Sciences

2. If you were a luxury brand, what would it be and why?

If I was a luxury brand, it would probably be Rolex because they are a nonprofit company with good values that donates almost all of their profits to various charities. Their headquarters is also based in Switzerland, which is the country that I want to travel to the most.

3. Who is your personal hero and why?

My personal hero would be my mom because she is the most kind and hardworking person I know. She has also taught me so many valuable lessons in life that I will never forget. But honorable mention to Tony Stark.

4. How do you react after a conflict occurs, and why?

After a conflict occurs, my initial reaction would most likely be to go find a solution to the conflict because problem solving is something that I enjoy doing. Emotion wise, I would probably be laughing.

5. If you were granted 3 wishes, what would it be?

My first wish would be to end global warming and pollution while reversing the environmental damage done to earth in the past 500 or so years. My second wish would be to know the cure to every disease, including cancer. My final wish is to be able to read, write, speak, and understand every single language fluently.

6. What would you Google about your life?

I would Google my net worth so I can cry and motivate myself.

7. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

My favorite thing about myself is how independent I am and my ability to do (almost) everything by myself.

8. What's your toxic trait?

My toxic trait is being the most indecisive person ever and never being able to choose something without thinking about it first.

9. Would you visit the future or past?

I would choose to visit the past because knowing what happens in the future ruins the fun in life and I hate spoilers. I would also like to know if the Hanging Gardens of Babylon existed or not.

10. What are the biggest differences between you today/now and five years ago?

Five years ago, I was a middle schooler that would refuse to go home because I would much rather be outside playing volleyball with my friends until nighttime. Now, I spend the majority of my week at home and making up every excuse I can to not go out. These volleyball years were some of the best years of my childhood and it was also when I made the best memories. But if I were to give myself advice, it would be to spend more time with my siblings. Being the oldest of three, I had the responsibility of watching over them at home which was one of the main reasons I liked staying out. Now that I think back, I never really got the chance to see them grow up and see them find their passions. I missed watching my sister play with toys instead of video games and I missed when my brother didn’t know how to speak in complete sentences yet. So if I could go back in time, I would advise myself to go home and play with my siblings more often than spending the whole day with my friends. Despite hanging out with them everyday that I go home now, I missed out on the chance to see them prosper as their older sister and enjoy their youth with them because nothing is more special than growing up with your best friends.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

405 of 2022

Basics What is your name? Joeri. What is your name’s origin and meaning, and how was it chosen? It's a direct Dutch transliteration of the Russian name Yuri, and it's really common in both the Netherlands and Belgium. As far as I know, my parents both made a list of their favourite names when they were expecting me. My dad wanted to name me Joris (after my grandpa), but my mum didn't like the idea so they both decided on Joeri. Any nicknames? Jelle-tje, for family and friends. If you're close to me, I'm happy if you call me by this name. If not, better call me by my birth name please. How tall are you? 180 cm, it makes about 5'11. Who do you live with or near, if anyone? My husband, his son and two cats. Where is your residence and what is it like? West Flanders, Belgium. I love it here. I can't imagine living anywhere else. What is your hometown and local culture like? Middelkerke (more specifically Westende), it's a small town by the North Sea coast. Full of tourists at the summer season. Otherwise, calm and quiet. I love coming back there whenever I can, even if just for a day. Local culture? Noordzeecross, enough said. Who are your parents? Two individuals who are still married to each other despite huge differences between them. My mum is half-German and my dad is half-Dutch, therefore I'm familiar with Dutch from the Netherlands :P there's 10 years age gap between them, my dad is older. Are you married, single, seeking a relationship, avoiding romance? I'm married, it's same sex marriage. But I've never been seeking relationships anyway. The relationships just happened and I'm happy. I'm quite romance-indifferent, I'd say. Not into sex either. What is your class/income level? Upper working class, is it how it's called? Basically working class, but doing a job that requires qualified people. Income? Not enough to cover everything when living alone (thankfully I don't, and we both have an income). Belgium is an expensive country to live, seriously. What is your income source and/or occupation? Right now, my income source is the government (I hate it, I'm feeling like a social parasite), because I've been on a prolonged sick note since last year. In normal circumstances, my job. I work zas an electrician in some quite well-known train-manufacturing company. My duty is to produce electrical components and later to install them in train carriages. I honestly love this job. I can't imagine doing anything else in my life. What is your education? Well, I have a university degree, BAS in electrical engineering. And high school diploma in computer sciences, but it doesn't count much anymore :P What is your worldview/religion? What is your level of devotion to that philosophy? I'm likely agnostic, personally it makes more sense to me than other beliefs. But I respect people of any religion, and atheists as well. I don't think about it much, to be honest. I just try to live in the ay that allows me to look myself in the eyes in the mirror every day, so to speak. What are your current life problems? Health problems at most. Physical disability that doesn't allow me to come back to work fully. Anxiety over my epilepsy. I'm working on it, though. Who (or what) are your enemies? I don't think I havbe any enemies, and if someone claims themselves to be my enemy, it's their problem, not mine. I don't hate anyone, I havbe no reason to do so. I only dislike certain types of people and that's it. I still think everyone deserves a chance. What are your priorities in life? My loved ones and their happiness. Also, my own health. What is your goal in life? What is your motivation for this goal? To be happy, nothing more and nothing less. But also to be fully independent. My main motivation is that I still have the chance to recover from this physical disability. Maybe not fully, but at least on a level that allows me to work. Mind What is your central philosophy in life? Treat people in the way you wish to be treated. What moral code do you follow and why? I don't judge people because everyone has their own reasons to live their life the way they do. I respect people with different opinions and beliefs than me. I try to be there for people who need, and I will always listen. I don't do things to others that I don't want to be done to me. I don't hurt others on purpose. I try my best to be always honest. What is your outlook on life? I'm a realist, but leaning optimist. Strange to say because I'm apparently on the verge of depression, though. I'm really hopeful about the future and still curious of what another day brings. I have reasons to live and keep going. What do you wish would happen to you? I'd love to be fully cured from epilepsy, but it's not possible. All I can do is never forgetting to take my medication on time, and get the proper amount of sleep. What do you want to hide? My own self-disgust. And my insecurities. I don't wan to come across as vulnerable. What languages do you know? My native language is Dutch, the kind that Dutch people make fun of. I'm pretty fluent in English, too. I can say I know a fair amount of Frech and German (first from school, second from my mum), but I'm nowhere near fluent in them. I've also caught a bit of Polish and Russian, and Romanian. Again, not fluent in these. What do you worry most about? Everything, enough said. I have anxiety disorder. What are your phobias? I'm emetophobic, this is one of the reasons why I never purged. I'm pretty uncomfortable on great heights and in small spaces, and in total darkness. I also kind of freak out when I hear the sound of pendulum clocks and church bells, not sure how common it is, though. What are your insecurities? Constant self-doubt, low self-esteem, feeling not worth enough, and my body is a great insecurity as a whole. It might sound like a paradox, but all these things motivate me the most to keep going. How is your self-confidence? Lower than average. When it comes o interpersonal things, I guess my orientation has the most to do with it. What is your political stance? I hate all politics and I don't trust politicians at all, no matter which side it is. Might be the closest to anarchist, though. I don't believe in authorities. Do you like what you do for a living? If so, why? If not, what do you wish you could do instead? I love my job. I can't imagine doing anything else. It's my profession, it's what I've been learning and what I'm interested in. Where do you feel most at home? In my hometown. At the beach nearby, on the street I've been growing up. I hold it in my heart like a souvenir and I'll never let go. Who do you look up do? No one, really. Or maybe in general, people who don't give up. When and where were you the happiest? In my hometown. Walking the same streets again, visiting the same places, it's like time travel and makes me feel like that carefree little boy I once was. When? It's simple. Whenever I have a possibility to travel and find new places, as well as come back to familiar ones. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I'd be more self-confident for sure. How do you feel about showing your emotions? I'm not good at it. Deep inside I'm more emotional and even sensitive than I try to show. Body What are your abnormalities (deformity, birthmark, allergies)? I'm allergic to nuts, I have lots of freckles on my face and shoulders, and I was born with a genetic connective tissue disorder known as Marfan syndrome, so it affects my phole appearance, at least it's relatively mild. I have little birthmarks on my face that kind of look like a constellation. What is your figure like (thin, muscular, pudgy)? Tall and slender, or better to be said, long and narrow. I do have some muscles, though. How fit are you? Well, I workout five times a week, but I'd say moderate. What is your hair and eye color? My hair is a really dark brown, and my eyes are grey, but dark as well. Kind of like anthracite, I'd say. What is your hair texture and style? It tends to get omewhat wavy when longer, and I don't like it long, so I keep it at the length that allows me to put some hair wax or gel in it. It's funny, because I used to have really long hair at some point. What is your face shape and features (freckles, big eyes, zits, reddish cheeks, birthmark, etc.) I have freckles, these four birthmarks I've mentioned above, a bit slanted eyes, and I have a tendency to get red on my face, particularly when embarrassed. It's quite embarrassing in itself. How old are you? I'm 32. What kind of colors do you wear? Either black or black mixed with one more colour, occasionally white. What kind of clothing do you wear? Hoodies, t-shirts, cargo trousers, wide leg trousers, basically anything that is too big for me, either boots or sneakers. I seem to have a thing for hip hop apparel, but with a goth twist. What kind of clothing do you hate on yourself/others? I don't care what others wear, everyone is allowed to wear whatever they want. On myself, I'd hate anything feminine for obvious reasons, anything too formal, skinny jeans and clothes with buttons. Must be a personal trauma to this last one. What accessories do you frequently have? My wedding ring, and on occasion, a chain necklace. Also, I have piercings, 3 of them are on my face. That's all. How do you feel about your appearance? I'm ugly, but at least I have cool hoodies. What is your skin like (smooth, pale, dark, rough, tight, saggy, scarred, etc)? Rather pale, freckled, and I've never had that much acne in my life. I have many scars, but they're mostly in places that are invisible to others, i. e. covered with clothes. I look younger than I already am. I also seem to be a bit less hairy than average men, and I don't seem to be able to grow a full beard because my facial hair is stupid. How is your health? Any problems? What was your health like as a child? Except for that connective tissue disorder that I was born with, I happen to have epilepsy. It's most likely a result of brain damage. Marfan syndrome has mostly affected my eyes, heart and joints. But somehow I was a basketball player in my teens, even quite successful. But I had to quit when I was 16. What are your common movement habits and demeanor (swaying, graceful, snapping, wringing hands, staying perfectly still, glancing around, stumbling, etc)? I bump into bjects because my eyesight is terrible, I move my hands a lot because I'm nervous, and I'm generally clumsy, but have a quick reflex. What is your race/ethnicity/nationality? I was born in Belgium to two Belgians, therefore I'm Belgian. For race, I'm just white. What food do you usually eat (amount, kind of food, what times of day)? What food do you like to eat? Mostly vegetables, less than I should eat for my age and gender, two or three times a day. I prefer to eat lunch than dinner, because dinners in my country tend to be at late hour. What do you like to drink? One coffee a day, 100% fruit juices, occasionally flavoured soda or flavoured water. Also, beer and wine, but I have to be careful with it. What is in your refrigerator? Eggs, yogurts and beer :P I don't have a separate fridge for myself, my husband and his son use it as well. It's mostly full of things for them. What do you smell like (cologne, sweat, musty, cats, etc)? I always have a fear that I might stink, so I may be overusing perfumes and/or deodorants. So I might smell nice, but somewhat strong. What would you change about yourself physically if you could? I'd be just healthy. Past When and where were you born? Oostende, Belgium, in 1990. Why there? Because the nearest hospital was there. What are your past occupations and career goals? As a teenager/student, I used to work seasonal jobs as fruit picker. After obtaining my degree, I was hired in the company I work in until today.  9 years and counting. As a child, what did you want to be and do when you grew up? Did you do it? How do you feel about that? I wanted to be a soldier or a doctor, neither of these worked out. What are your greatest accomplishment? Getting a degree, getting a stable job with permanent contract, being promoted at work several times. Also, learning to walk and being independent again after being unable to move and basically tied to bed. What are your greatest failures? My first relationship. He was abusive. What is the worst thing that ever happened to you? Brain haemorrhage. And sexual abuse in the past. What is the best thing that ever happened to you, or your most cherished memory? Coming back to my country. What do you regret? Nothing, it doesn't make sense to dwell in the past. It only makes things worse. What do you remember most about your childhood? My mum neglecting me and favouring my sister. What was your favorite thing to do as a child? Hanging out with our neibour friends and using our imagination to entertain ourselves. Mobile phones and the internet were not really a thing back then. What did you dislike most as a child? Boredom. Personality What are your vices? Definitely greed. Also anger and pride to some extent. What are your virtues? Compassion, fairness, fidelity. And honesty. What is your typical attitude? It's hard for me to estimate it myself, so I'll base my answer on what others say about me. Positive: approachable, accepting, ambitious, determined, caring, friendly, kind, openminded. Negative: cynical, greedy, impatient, overanxious, stubborn. What are your quirks (only eats raw meat, collects action figures, always wears rubber band on wrist, etc)? I'm not very tactile, I bite my nails and lips, I laugh loud, and I'm known for chewing gum all the time. XD What are your hobbies? Travelling, photography, reading books, shortwave radio, physics. What would make you smile? Cats, beauty of nature, the beach, seeing kindness in others. What would make you laugh? Fart jokes. XD Seriously, my sense of humour is stupid. What would make you cry? Nothing, I don't cry. But some things make me emotional. Be it music, for example. What makes you calm down? Walking on the beach and staring at the sea. Always works for me. What makes you revved up? Many things. The possibility to travel somewhere, seeing my loved ones happy, small accomplishments, just anything. What do you do when you are happy? It's very visible on me, you can tell. What do you do when you are stressed? I can't sleep. And I bite my nails a lot. I'm all restless. What do you do when you are upset? I stop talking. What do you do when you are angry? You don't want to know. What are your habits (good or bad)? Biting nails, missing breakfast, taking showers twice a day, physical activity 5 times a week, planning everything in advance. What is something you can’t resist? Cats. No need to say more. What is something most people do not know about you? That I was abused in the past. Actually, most of people dopn't know about my orientation. For whatever reason, they assume I'm straight by default. I don't discuss it with people, though. What are your areas of expertise? I speak more than one language, I can solve problems at my job, and I can manage electricity easily. What is hard for you to do? Expressing myself verbally. Talking about my feelings. Talking in general. What special skills do you have? I can do the house chores and just everything around myself having just one good hand. What weather and physical conditions do you like? Long days in summer. Winters are usually dark with little sunlight and they get me depressed. I like sunshine and thunderstorms. Grey skies and rainfalls when I'm a mood. What would you do all day if you could do anything you wanted? Travel everywhere. Relationships Who would you ask for help in a tight spot? My ex, I think. He would make a great psychologist, I swear. Who’s company do you enjoy? My husband, my friends, my sister. And my dad. How often do you see family and friends? Rarely, I must say. It's the thing in my country, we love each other, but we don't see each other daily. Once in a while we're texting, then meeting up when arranged. It's something normal here. How do you interact with other people (cold, awkward, friendly)? Apparently I'm friendly, but distant at first. Who is your family and what are they like? My parents and my sister. They loved us differently, but my sister and me have always had a strong bond. How do you feel about your parents and how do they feel about you? What is your relationship with your family like? I've always been our dad's favourite child, but not our mum's. She's been always favouring my sister. What is the person you are most dependent on (your dad, the welfare office, your personal maid, your seeing-eye-dog, your mailman)? I'd say no one, but currently my health insurance company. And my husband for helping me with all the paperwork. If you could convince any one person or group of people of one thing, what would that be? I really can't think of anything at the moment. What is the main quality or aspect you look for in a person (good looking, is talkative, seems helpful, has money, etc.)? Being genuine. How does your race/ethnicity/nationality or that of your parents influence you and the way people see you? Is your heritage significant to you or are you removed from it? I'm a Belgian living in Belgium, so I don't see anything particular here. What is something people often misunderstand about you? When I say I love many people at once, they automatically think I'm polyamorous or that. But to me, love has many forms. Platonic love is just as valid. Can people get the gist of who you are when first meeting you, or is your true self so hidden we would need to know you for a long time? Or somewhere in between? It depends how insightful the person is. People often say I'm a mystery. Who and/or what sort of people like you? My friends for sure, otherwise it's hard for me to say. Different people for different reasons. How do you feel about other people’s worldview/religions? I respect them, even though I might not necessarily agree with them. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. How do most people see you? As kind and caring, apparently. What kind of friends and associates do you have, if any? My friends are various kinds of people. It would be hard to just mention one by one, but they have different personalities, different opinions, different appearance and all. What person or group of people do you dislike the most, and why? People who are just plain arrogant, judgemental, generalising, making assumptions about other people without even knowing them. Also racists and people who use any other form of discrimination. I don't think I need to explain why. Are you dominant, submissive, or somewhere in between? I'm an individualist. I just don't follow the crowd, I'm neither dominant nor submissive. What is your reputation? Friendly, but somewhat weird. How do you greet people (if you greet people at all)? I just say hello. How do you feel about and treat authority? I don't really believe in authority. But I respect others nonetheless. Speech How do you speak (speak loudly, quickly, whispering, interrupting, talkative, etc)? Like a malfunctioning robot. I'm not kidding. Since I suffered a brain injury, my speech is like that. I tend to stutter, I have to repeat myself multiple times, I struggle with pronunciation. I'm so insecure about it. Before that, I was speaking quietly, but fairly fluently. The only time my voice is loud is when I'm laughing. Are you dominant or easily unnoticed in a conversation, or somewhere in between? In between, these days people seem to put more effort in trying to understand what I say. What words and phrases do you use frequently (omg, dude, like, um, for pete’s sakes,)? 't zal wel zijn or amai zeg, or even omg. My first language is Dutch. What expletives do you use in surprise or irritation (swears, gasps, yowza, etc)? Amai, mo how zeg, mo godverdomme toch. Also that one, ma jonges toch. All of these are Dutch, but from our area mostly. Do you speak properly or often use slang and bad grammar? I struggle with grammar even in my native language, so. XD I typically use proper language, or try so, because not everyone understands Belgian dialects. Does your speaking style change when you’re around certain people? If so, how? No, I'm always the same. I've picked up some local dialect from where I live now, though. What is your accent or dialect? West-Flemish Dutch, the softest variant of spoken Dutch. People from the Netherlands tend to make fun of how we speak here. What is your pitch and voice texture? I have some trouble with intonation, but nothing really drastic anymore. My voice isn't very deep, if I was a singer, I guess I could be placed in a tenor range. Situations What are the five worst things possible to happen to you? I'm not sure if I can think of five, but seizures are physically and emotionally draining, and I seem to have some trauma from them. Brain injury was another one, and sexual abuse was yet another. How would you prepare for a hot date? I don't date. I don't really prepare. How would you tackle a big research project? Probably in a group so we have some brainstorming. How would you react in a fight? I stay neutral. I don't want people to drag me into their personal drama. What do you do when you’re bored (go crazy, tap your fingers, hum)? I hardly ever get bored. here's always something to do. What are you or would you be embarrassed about? My body having the sexual functions, I hate it. Also, in some aspects, being a man. I can't really relate to the way other men think, particularly about women. What is the first thing you do every morning (go for a jog, check your phone, take a pill, check your own pulse, etc)? Wake up, I'm pretty sure about it. :P In all seriousness, I take my morning medication. What would you do with 5 million dollars? I'd lose some of it to euros. We don't use dollars here. :P But I'd probably buy a house, or even two houses. And travel the whole world. If you could teleport anywhere, where would you go (Hawaii, your mom’s house, the theatre, that old barn you used to play in, etc)? If I was free to use it anytime, I would just travel the world. What is your favorite holiday and how do you celebrate it? Christmas, because I usually see my family then. How do we celebrate it? qChristmas dinner, it's the only time I actually eat. What are your holiday traditions? Putting up a little Christmas tree. What do you spend most of your day doing? Existing. These days I have way too much free time. How do you want to die (suddenly, alone, with a certain person near you, etc.)? I don't want to die. This question is pretty triggering to me. What is the worst you’ve ever been injured or sick (broken arm, cancer, hang nail)? Brain haemorrhage that has left me paralysed. Objects What object(s) do you like to keep near you? My phone, and a notebook and a pen. Also my camera and earphones when I go out somewhere. What is in your backpack, purse, or closet? Phone, some money, ID card, bank card, wireless earphones, powerbank just in case, a notebook. And tissues because allergies lol. In my closet? Clothes. At least I think so. If there was a fire in your house and you only had time to grab whatever you could carry, what would it be? My cats. What is your most valued possession (for a reason other than monetary value)? The friendship of my ex, if I can mention non-material things. I'm happy to still have him in my life. And some memories as well. Do you still have any possessions from your childhood? Just one blanket with a kitten on it. Random How well do/did you do in school? All possible grades, depending on the subject and how much I was interested in it. What is your symbol? Apparently "two sides coming together" because I'm a walking contradiction. What is your desktop/cell phone wallpaper (or, if you had one what would it be)? A photo of my only celebrity crush.  It was an April Fools joke at first, but I liked it so much that it stayed. What does your signature look like? I sign everything with my last name. What is your theme song? Lange Frans & Baas B - Ik Wacht Al Zo Lang. It's asking questions about the meaning of life and death. What are your most used bookmarks on your web browser? I just keep tabs open of whatever I need at the moment. What is something that really annoys you (loud people, music that is too quite, when your mom vacuums at three in the morning, the sound of trickling water)? Disrespect, injustice, mistreating others, intolerance. On a less serious note, the sound of scratching on the glass. What is the place you hate the worst (standing in line at McDonalds, the salon, Toledo Ohio, etc.)? Currently, my bedroom. Especially when it's dark and I'm there alone. What is your favorite kind of entertainment and what type of content do you like (books, movies, comics, romance, sci-fi, humor)? I love books and music. No movies nor anything romantic for me please. What is you favorite celebrity or historical figure? This Dutch rapper Baas B, he's been my only celebrity crush for many years and counting. For historical figures, Nikola Tesla. Who are your most recent emails/calls/texts from and what did they say? Discogs, purchase confirmation :P yeah I still buy CDs sometimes. What were you doing before this story started? I've been doing this survey for 4 days straight, so I don't really remember :P What time period do you wish you lived in? Past, future? Here where I live is okay. I just wish the times were easier and more safe. If you were and animal, what kind would you be? Cat, definitely. I seem to have a cat personality, and at least I would be cute. Do you or have you ever had any pets? Yeah, I've been growing up with cats. Now I have two cats myself. Do you dislike any holidays? If so, why? Halloween and Valentine's Day, both seem pointless to me personally. What is your most common method of transportation? Car, but my husband is the driver. Usually the train. What are your three favorite songs? Lange Frans & Baas B - Ik Wacht Al Zo Lang, Vildhjarta - Shiver, and the 3rd one I can't choose because there's way too much <3 And finally... the most important question of all....What is your favorite color (and why)? Black and green. I guess they fit my personality.

[escaping-consciousness]

I’ve been experiencing suicidal thoughts more frequently for almost a month now.

I figured this would happen.

I’ve been going through cycles of back-to-back bad news, stressing over money, my job, hating my weight gain and feeling ugly because I can’t go do feminine things. I can’t express myself the way I want or feel like I’m a part of my racial identity. I can’t just get my hair done to feel beautiful. I don’t have any clothes that comfortably fit me, to the point where I probably need to throw out my clothes because I’ve had them since middle school. My eating habits suck. Either I eat too much or I eat nothing. I hardly have enough money for anything because bills, inflation, and everyone else’s needs. My needs can’t be met because I just don’t have the money or time for myself.

I thought moving away from my hometown, away from my dysfunctional family, away from a shitty job market, would help me feel better. I thought it would help me become more independent. In some ways it did, but my happiness has not improved in the long run. It’s been a year. I don’t see much change other than that I’m just working now. I work enough to keep myself off the street and to keep my car (that’s not even in the same state I current reside in) from being repossessed, but I don’t have money for my personal enjoyment or my long term goals. My friends are nowhere near me. I don’t get go out or on road-trips anymore. I can’t afford time off or transportation for concerts or to even visit family. My family and friends rarely call me. I’m the one that always needs to reach out first, and hope that nobody ignores me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever make it back overseas like I wanted because everything is so fucked now. I’m behind my peers, all of whom are living in other countries, teaching, working the jobs they actually like… and I just here trying not to think about dying. I’m trying to convince myself to be patient and suffer just a little bit longer, until I can finally see my hard work pay off. Except, that hasn’t happened in that last decade of telling myself that. I’ve busted my ass for little in return. I’m behind in my studies and in my adult life. I’m forgetting everything because I’m too focused on surviving. Now, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m exhausted and demotivated. The more I think about my goals, I have to worry about money that I can hardly hold onto. No language studies or art because I can’t even pay for textbooks or materials. I have to keep pushing things back. I hate it.

I’ve been frustrated with myself as a person for a very long time. I honestly hate everything about me at this point. I wish I had it together and that I wasn’t mentally ill. I wish I was normal. I feel like I should hurry up and die, but I don’t think I’ll act upon my ideations. I don’t think I’ve hit my actual limit yet. I’m just living so that my death won’t inconvenience my boyfriend and roommate because we just got a rental house. My grandmother is turning 90 in December and wants to see me, so I still have some reason to stay. At least until she finally goes. Idk. I don’t want to make others sad but I’m so tired of crying other day and being alone.

Still, I wonder how much more it’s going to take for me to crack. I need help but I can’t afford it right now. It feels like a race against time to just find help.

[chateautae]

maybe i do | kth. I

➵ summary :  maybe you love each other, maybe you don’t. when a deal between your fathers leaves you forcefully wedding kim taehyung, arguably seoul’s most powerful CEO, you’re prepared for a loveless marriage of eternal regret and unhappiness. but maybe, it doesn’t turn out that way after all.

↳  part of the high-class series!

➵ pairing : taehyung x reader

➵ genre :  arranged marriage!au, ceo!tae, s2l!au, eventual smut, fluff, angst 

➵ rating : 18+

➵ word count : 11k

➵ warnings : swearing, alcohol consumption, anxiety, lots of feels about marriage, a stupid ex (reader’s), mentions of bad sexual experiences with ex (there’s consent, just bad sex that makes the reader feel shitty), does ceo tae count as a warning? 

➵ a/n: hello my first fic of my favourite trope arranged marriage, AND with kim taehyung?? yes pls !! this will be a series and I’ll be actively working on it so you don’t have to wait too long for chapters, i hope you can follow this series with me <33

chapter one : “my forever’s falling down”  

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“Another one, Father? I thought I told you my secretary would be handling marriage profiles from now on. Stop concerning yourself with who I marry.” 

“But I do, son. Trust me, I know this girl, she’s the daughter of a trusted friend and I think she’s a good match.” 

“Father, everyone you choose for me I dislike and it’s distracting me from my work. I don’t need this right now.” 

“She’s different, Taehyung. I personally know her and I’m certain you won’t say no.” 

“And why is that?” 

“There’s something about her you won’t refuse, son, you’ll notice it when you meet her.” 

“I don’t want to meet her, Father. Like I said, I need to work.” 

“I just knew you’d act this way. Want to know something, son? I’ve made her part of a business deal, you can’t back out of this.”

“What? You made her part of a business deal?! Why would you-”

“Because you wouldn’t have given her a chance otherwise, you haven’t been giving anyone a chance since I’ve been setting up potential partners for you and I’m sick of it. You said you were open to an arranged marriage, where’s that attitude now?”

“Because, Father, I have a company to run and that’s-”

“No. I will not allow you to reduce your life to just this company. There are far more enjoyable things in life than a business.”

“But Father-”

“No, Taehyung. One thing you need to learn is balance. If you don’t give anyone or anything a chance you will live a lonely life behind your desk. Even in this cutthroat world of business where you can lose money or be betrayed by anyone at any moment, the most painful thing to suffer is loneliness, and I won’t let you live in this world alone.”

“Dad-”

“You will meet this girl, Taehyung, end of discussion.” 

“Dad! I told you I want nothing to do with your company, how could you let me get dragged into this?!” 

“Y/N-ie, I know you value the life you have without any of my help, but let me help just this once, especially with finding a husband. I’m being offered the deal of a lifetime and I can’t refuse, he just happens to be part of it. I need this for the company, please.”

“But Dad, I don’t even know him. And if he’s the CEO of some rich company he’s probably an asshole, I’m not doing this.” 

“Y/N-ie, trust me, I know his son. He’s a sincere, hard-working man, I promise.”

“Yeah, right. Even if that’s the case, I still don’t know him, let alone love him, Dad. How can you make me marry someone I don’t love?”

“Because you can learn to love him. There are no rules concerning the way two people should fall in love, love doesn’t always need to come first.”

“But Dad-”

“My daughter, I have not asked you for many things in my life, but this is one thing I must ask of you. Please, just meet him, don’t say no without even trying.”

“Dad, I don’t know-”

“Please, Y.N, do it for me. If not for the company or money, please do it for me.”

And here you were, fidgeting with the tips of your nails, tuning in and out of the present world and overthinking every aspect of your life that somehow lead you to this moment. Sitting on a Leather Italia couch in what was described to be Mr. Kim’s study; listening to your father’s incessant, albeit wholesome chatter next to you with your future in-laws across. 

And next to them was their suave, unreadable son sitting in a relaxed manner, flipping his attention between your fathers’ conversation and anything else in the room.

You on the other hand, were utterly high strung due to the fact that your father failed to mention your future fiancé’s identity until 30 minutes before arriving here, having done a quick search in the car to unveil who he exactly was.

And that’s when it hit you. You weren’t marrying just anyone, you were getting married to Kim Taehyung. The infamous CEO of Kim Enterprises—Korea’s largest software development and manufacturing company, rivaling to be one of the largest in the world. He was part of Seoul’s most prestigious circle of businessmen, having made multiple Forbes international lists of Most Successful, Youngest, Richest, and is even one of Korea’s most eligible bachelors, not just Seoul.

If this wasn’t already taking you out, then it was definitely the fact that his photos through a measly Google search did him absolutely, utterly and completely no justice. They simply could never capture the truth of just how handsome Kim Taehyung was in real life. You couldn’t deny it, he wasn’t just good-looking, he was stunning, gorgeous, seemed as though God had created the universe, heaven and hell in 6 days and left the 7th just to create him. 

He was like a work of art, worthy of being placed in the finest of museums and left untouched, unsodden by the ugliness of humanity. It made you feel extremely inferior to him in an instant. It was sickening, he was sickening, intoxicating, and quite frankly, intimidating.

It was his look, his undivided stare when he eventually settled his sight on you. It didn’t matter his dark hair that landed and perfectly curled above his eyes, the way he occasionally licked his plush lips or how his long, tall legs spread out before him, it was his look that made you want to turn tail and run.  

It seemed to reach into your soul, peer straight through whatever façade, walls or defense mechanisms you could spend years building only to have his simple look tear it down in minutes. He was alluring, captivating, left you wanting to cower into whatever hole you could dig yourself into or discover all the secrets he hid behind those enchanting eyes.

Kim Taehyung was many things you couldn’t quite wrap your head around, though you assessed your priorities and decided they didn’t just include him, but mainly the significance of the current meeting taking place right now. 

It wasn’t a mere one-time business deal to discuss a project, it was a meeting that entailed the partnership of both your family companies and would define the next however many years of your life. More specifically, spending it with the exact same man that looked at you without a single readable expression on his face. 

You distracted yourself by trying to observe as many useless things as you could, flitting around the room many times before suddenly glancing at Taehyung’s index finger coming up to rest against his lips.

You zeroed your vision in more. 

Is that a cut on his finger?

“Jae-in, of course! This is just as important to me as it is to you, your son is a remarkable CEO, and I’m sure he’ll make an amazing husband.” 

“Aish, Namhyun, you flatter me too much. My son may be handsome, though your daughter is even more beautiful. I’m very sure she will make a wonderful wife.”

“Yes, Namhyun, your daughter is absolutely gorgeous! Just as gorgeous as her mother. I know she wasn’t able to make it, though may I ask where your wife is tonight?” 

“Ah, unfortunately, she’s out of the country. Though I was hoping my presence would be enough to fill in for her, am I doing a bad job?” 

Laughter erupted from the parents in the room, meanwhile, Taehyung couldn’t help but notice the way you immediately winced at the mention of your mother. Something he definitely wouldn’t miss with the way he found himself examining your every move. 

It was habitual to him, something born out of his roots in business, only for the purpose of calculating and reading people like an open book. 

He knew you’d also become victim to that habit, though oddly enough, he found himself quite interested in observing you. He had already figured you out; you hated business, there was a clear disconnection between yourself and your father’s company and you reeked of a sense of independence that funnily contradicted the antsy way you bounced your leg. 

Your way of speech, however, mannerisms, gestures, your look; it was all professional enough you clearly have some sort of background in business. You seemed like an heiress to Taehyung, which you were, though you oddly had no interest in business?   

All these details piqued his interest, curious of just who you exactly were, but he was mainly intrigued by the mysterious claim his father made upon mentioning you for the first time. 

‘There’s something about her you won’t refuse.’

That had raked Taehyung’s brain consistently for the past hour now, crossing his legs loosely and his arms folded over his chest, contemplating over and over again as he looked at you, what’s so damn special about her? 

‘You’ll notice it when you meet her,’ the words rang in his ears.

That was the driving force behind his calculation, observation, near inability to take his eyes off of you as he learned new things nearly every minute and led him closer to understanding his father.  

He could tell you were an anxious person, though hid it behind a persona of false confidence. You had a tendency to stick close to your father despite observing you don’t rely on him for much of anything, even less your mother. The softness behind your every movement despite being from a business background where you should be harsh, rigid, rough around the edges, and yet you seemed entirely different.

Taehyung then realized how inherently dissimilar you were to many of the other women he met. They were all relatively of the same cut and look. Cold, sharp, cunning. All women of pure business; daughters, granddaughters or straight CEOs of wealthy companies, simply interested in marriage as a deal or an advantage rather than a commitment. 

And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. Taehyung was a man of business himself, married to his work, his home behind a desk and the company the only thought occupying his mind 24/7.

But with you, you were interesting, unlike the others and it made him curious.

Taehyung also couldn’t help but notice you were...pretty. You weren’t too overly sexy nor too innocent, you were pretty. There was an elegance to your looks, features like your hair and eyes complementing you as a whole, and he couldn’t miss that you felt oddly...warm.

Taehyung found himself beginning to understand his father’s original viewpoint, considering the possibility he could’ve been correct. 

You just seemed different. 

“Ah, that seems to be everything. Exact details about the wedding have already been put in place by us.”

“Yes! We’ve been waiting for our TaeTae to get married for so long. We’ve had plans for months now and we can finally move forward with them! You and Y/N don’t need to worry about anything!” 

“Mom, did you really just call me that in front of my future fiancé?” 

“Oh, let it go, son. It won't be long before she calls you that, too!” 

Taehyung could only playfully roll his eyes at his overly excited mother, you scrunching your nose at the embarrassment.

“That’s incredibly generous of you, Mr. and Mrs. Kim, though my conscience is not one to let such things go. My family should contribute to the wedding in some way. Y/N and I would be happy to do so.”

“Why don’t we discuss that outside? I believe we should give the future couple some time alone, shall we?” 

You and Taehyung exchanged a quick look before standing up and respectively addressing either’s parents, Taehyung shutting the door behind them once they exited and having turned to look at you, an awkward silence piercing the air. 

There it was again, his look. It was irrefutably the one reason you avoided eye contact with him, you felt he would swallow you up if you shared even 5 seconds between each other.

“So...” Taehyung suddenly broke the ice, eyeing you.

“So...” 

“Marriage, huh?” 

“Yeah, marriage. Never done that one before.” If there wasn’t a time you vehemently hated yourself, then it was undoubtedly now. You internally facepalmed at your dumb comment, adding a laugh at the end in embarrassment only to look away. 

“Uh..yeah.” Taehyung laughed awkwardly. “Me neither, if you didn’t already know.” He tucked his hands into his pockets and looked away, you fidgeting by the couches everyone previously occupied. 

A beat of silence passed as you both exchanged looks between objects in the room and each other, either of you pursing your lips or blowing light raspberries to cut the awkwardness. 

“I wanted to ask you something.” 

“Hm?” You turned towards him, lips just a pout as your doe-eyes awaited him. 

Taehyung didn’t miss that at all. 

“Um, your mother. I apologize if this is intrusive of me, though I couldn’t help but notice I’ve never actually met her. May I ask where she is?” 

You let out a dry chuckle before answering, another detail that didn’t slip Taehyung’s attention. “Trust me, Taehyung, one thing you’ll never have to worry about during this entire ordeal is my mother. She should be the last thing on your mind.” You assured him with what he could tell was your fakest smile, distracting him from the realization you’d said his name for the first time.

“Are you sure? I’ll be meeting her at the wedding so-”

“You won’t. I don’t think you will. Even if she does make it, it takes very little to impress her, just be yourself and she’ll love you.” You stated with a sense of finality, as though the topic should be dropped. 

“Be myself? I’m one of the best businessmen in Korea. It’s my job to get people to like me, easy stuff.” He casually gloated. 

“You don’t only have to be a businessman to do that,” you paused and looked at him, “you can just be Kim Taehyung, too.” You spoke nonchalantly, eyes lingering with his for longer than 5 seconds and he, in fact, had not swallowed you yet. 

Taehyung instantly furrowed his eyebrows, taken aback as if your suggestion was something outlandish, absurd, maybe even offending.

Nobody has ever said such a thing to him, not throughout the entirety of his life. 

Taehyung tried his best to recover, searching for another topic of conversation before he was cut off by your rather soft voice, he noticed. 

“Oh, I wanted to give you this.” You stepped towards him, reaching into your purse and retrieving something Taehyung couldn’t quite see. You strided over and extended your hand, Taehyung finding himself even more confused.

“A bandage?” 

“Mhm. For the cut on your finger. You should probably clean it and apply something before putting this on.” You stated nonchalantly once again, offering him a small smile whilst holding out the bandage. 

“Uh...” Taehyung started but couldn’t complete his sentence, lost on how you even observed something as small as his cut and spoke of treating it like it was an actual injury.  

After his struggle to form a sentence, you grew bold enough to gently remove his hand from his pocket and place the bandage in his palm, looking back up at him. You shared a momentary look with his chocolate eyes, instantly scrambling after realizing your hand was still in his.

He has really big hands. 

“We should um...probably go.” You avoided his eyes, stepping aside quickly to pull the door open.

Taehyung’s mind felt displaced, eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the fact that someone had actually left him with nothing to say, an extremely rare occurrence in his book.

He was even more displaced looking at the measly wrapper in his hand, then at the cut on the side of his finger, playing through the last 5 minutes of what just happened.

He scoffed to himself.

‘There’s something about her you won’t refuse.’

It had been 3 weeks since that meeting, not having seen Taehyung once as you wasted your time enjoying single life luxuries before you prepared for one of marriage.

It still felt odd to say such a thing, marriage, because it didn’t even feel like one, or a real one at that. It was forced, fake, a pressured one out of convenience. It felt more like a deal, something Taehyung and yourself had to settle for in order to keep your parents’ minds at ease.

That thought racked your brain all those 3 weeks; Taehyung had to settle for you, he didn’t choose you, just as much as you settled for him and didn’t choose him either. You both had ultimately agreed to the marriage only in an effort to optimize your parents’ happiness, not your own.

You had no clue how he felt, a mystery as much as the Bermuda Triangle, knowing he most certainly had a grand pick of women to choose from and you were most definitely his worst option.

You knew you were suddenly dumped on him, leaving him no choice in the matter as you learned your marriage entailed a beneficial business deal between your fathers’ companies, and Taehyung couldn’t really refuse you with so much on the line.

You had already felt inferior to Taehyung since the moment you met him, though your insecurities seeped further into the crevices of your doubtful mind the more you thought over that sad fact, contemplating a married life with him. In your opinion you were pretty much undesirable to him, Taehyung probably kicking himself knowing he had to unwillingly call you his wife for the rest of his life. 

You just knew you weren’t good enough for him, you would never measure up no matter how hard you’d try and that utterly terrified you. You were confident and independent when it came to yourself, though wedding a near perfect being regarded as one of Seoul’s finest in terms of a CEO and a man? 

Confidence be damned, this dude was intimidating. 

These were the feelings that swarmed your head as you sulked at your over-the-top engagement party, set up in a prestigious buildings’ gorgeous 37th floor riddled with baroque styling and embellishments, classical music gracing some of Seoul’s wealthiest patrons as their flutes clinked and snobby chatter filled the hall. 

It was all extremely high-status, reeking of upper class supremacy and quite frankly, it made you want to throw up.

You distracted yourself by bringing any and all types of alcohol to your lips, trying to focus on anything but your daunting thoughts.

The entire night you hadn’t talked to Taehyung, both of you having been too occupied with the numerous amounts of people meeting and congratulating you. This became a genuine nuisance as you’d mentioned before, this marriage was of convenience, one that brought families and companies together merrily and constituted hundreds of people attending your engagement party you didn’t really know.

Your friends were excited, over-the-moon you bagged a man like Taehyung and chastised you for not having told them about your engagement to him earlier. Your relatives similarly scolded you, pinching your cheeks and praising Taehyung like he was a God while they scrunched their noses at you for concealing him.

How could I tell you when I didn’t even know myself?, you thought.

It was funny they praised your ‘choice’ of a fiancé, positive nobody was saying the same to Taehyung without at least lying. The public only knew of you as your father’s daughter, never having seen you due to your vehement absence from anything remotely related to his company, and much of the business world in general. 

You weren’t part of that world, a world of greed and money-driven lunatics. It just wasn't you. It never suited you, left you with a bad taste in your mouth you constantly grimaced at and thought maybe you were the insane one for not understanding its flavour. As you grew older, however, you came to realize it simply wasn’t the path meant for you, someone who valued the independence and achievement of earning something for yourself, by yourself.

Ever since the inception of that principal, your young teenage self resolved you didn’t want to rely on your father’s wealth, especially not his influence or power to achieve your own place in life.

Your father had worked determinedly hard for years in order to stand as high he does now, warranting your acute admiration for your role model of a father, his now successful architecture business landing him a few buildings part of the Seoul skyline.

And after finally achieving his dream, it suddenly morphed into your own aspiration. His hard work drove you to want your own design part of Seoul’s breathtaking scenery as well, by means of your own effort, your own hard work. You didn’t want your father’s help. It felt wrong, like you were cheating if you used him to gain your place and so you condemned your life to one that separated yours and his. 

So you lived, worked and earned money without any of his influence.

You worked for an average architecture company where you felt comfortable, happy that you were away from the suffocating high-status business of your family. And although your detachment left your identity a mystery to many, your situation on the other hand was an extremely infamous one.

‘The-runaway-heiress’, was your staple trademark. The judgmental comments about your choice of life and the insults it warranted were never-ending, subjected to that criticism all your life.

There was no doubt Taehyung was hearing all of that, people probably warning him to step out of the marriage before it was too late. You weren’t like Taehyung, who was perfect, desirable, someone everyone either wanted or wanted to be. It left you glad and quite frankly, proud to be wedding a man of such caliber and incredibility, though left you wondering why in God’s name he would ever agree to marry someone like you; average, average and well, average.

“That’s your 5th shot, Y/N, slow the fuck down.” Your best friend Hana’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts, snatching the shot glass from your grasp. “It wouldn’t be cool if you were trashed at your own party, dummy.” 

Her sudden appearance brought a smile to your face. “I know, I just don’t feel well.” You sighed by the counter of the bar, seated atop a stool as you circled an empty shot glass mindlessly. 

“I get you, there’s like, hundreds of people here and you’re probably hearing a lot of different shit.” Hana appealed to you, having read your emotions like an open book. “Speaking of people, I wanted to ask, what’s up with Taehyung and his stare?”

You stifled a snort, looking at Hana’s incredulous face. “It’s just a habit of his. He stares at everyone.”

“Okay... sure, but I didn’t mean everyone, I meant you.” Hana emphasized, comically pointing.

You furrowed your eyebrows at her, arm leaning against the bar’s counter as you questioned, “What do you mean?”

“He doesn’t really stop staring at you, which is kinda weird. Unless you like that, I don’t judge people’s kinks.” Hana mockingly held her hands up in surrender, gauging a reaction out of you. 

You instantly grimaced, “It’s not a kink, Hana. Nice joke by the way, wanna sign up for SNL with that one?”

“I’m serious! I’ve been catching him just looking at you and I don’t know if it’s weird or hot.” Hana informed as you became more puzzled, her becoming oddly excited, “Awh, maybe he’s concerned with how much you keep drinking! That’s so romantic.” She chimed, looking off into the distance dreamily.

“Shut the fuck up, he wouldn’t do that.” You smacked her arm, snatching your shot glass back from her. “Besides, you’re one of the rare people who knows this marriage is fake, you know he doesn’t care.”

“Jheez, way to kill romance?” Hana rolled her eyes, smacking your arm in rebuttal before continuing. “I’m serious, though. This may be fake but he really does keep looking at you, and I don’t know what it means.” Hana speculated, contorting her lips as if in thought.

“It means nothing, Hana. You’re just seeing things.”

“Then why has he been staring at you depressed by the bar for the last half an hour?”

You nearly spit out your drink, “What?”

“Are you clueless or just dumb? He’s been talking to someone for 30 minutes but most of the time he’s been looking at you, and he still is, how haven’t you noticed?”

You creased your eyebrows in surprise as you slowly lowered your shot glass. You turned away from Hana to scan the small crowds of people mingling, eating, drinking in the hall.

You searched the room, drink still in hand until your eyes caught tall, dark and handsome in his finely pressed suit, casually standing with a drink in his hand by a table speaking to someone. You nearly jumped when your eyes locked with Taehyung’s, every cell in your body caught off guard.

What made your heart specifically race was the way he didn’t even look away from you. He held your gaze, casually conversing with the person in front of him, eyeing you until he finally cracked a small smirk before turning back to his companion.

Your eyebrows practically shot up to the sky.

“See, weird or hot? Am I even allowed to say hot?” Hana blurted as she reveled in your reaction. “And you really thought I was joking. You don’t believe anything I say, I could tell you the world’s ending and you wouldn’t believe me. I could tell you aliens finally invaded the planet and you wouldn’t believe me until the green motherfuckers knocked on your door themselves and-”

“Hana, shut the fuck up.” You cut her off abruptly and made a face at her. “Why did you even come here?”

“Grumpy, aren’t we?” She flashed you a sarcastic look before sighing. “Your dad wanted me to find you. You and Taehyung have to meet someone important, so you should stop drinking like an alcoholic, dumbass.” Hana informed hastily as she grabbed the shot glass from you and downed it herself.

“Your dad’s by the entrance, go before he gets mad!” She shooed you away, pushing you up until you whisper-yelled and smacked at her to let you go. 

You began stepping towards the entrance, smoothing over your dress and this was the moment you realized you may have drank a little too much. You were quick to reprimand yourself, cursing your unprofessional behavior as your inner equilibrium became slightly woozy, senses drowning out a bit, every sound hazed over with a buzz in your veins.

You sucked in a breath to pull yourself together, knowing your dad valued this person enough you and Taehyung had to meet them together. 

Taehyung.

You decided to glance in his direction, lips pursing seeing he wasn’t in his previous spot. You chose to ignore it, walking along until you felt a looming presence behind you, almost having time to acknowledge it before a hand suddenly touched the small of your back. 

“Looking for me?”

You nearly squealed, jumping with a hand ready to punish before calming down at the sight of Taehyung, sighing with relief. “Jheez, could you use my name? I thought you were a stranger.” 

“Well, hello to you too.” Taehyung quipped sarcastically. “And why would a stranger touch your back? Of course it’d be the only man in this room marrying you.” Taehyung narrowly eyed you, scrutinizing your reaction with his hand still pressed to you.

“People do a lot of whatever the hell they want, Taehyung.” You responded turning away from him, heels clacking as you continued to pace towards where your father stood. “W-why’d you do that, anyway?” 

Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows. “Because we’re engaged?”

“It’s not real, though.”

“It’s as real as it gets.” Taehyung finalized, making it a statement to smile at everyone you passed, to which you realized just how many pairs of eyes glued themselves to you. “This may not feel like a real marriage to us, but to the rest of the world it is.” 

He then suddenly leaned himself down to your height and lowered his tone, breath just ghosting your ear. “Y/N, we have to make this seem real, it’s the only way we’ll survive.” Taehyung was the closest he’s ever been to you, and the deep baritone of his voice as he called your name did absolutely nothing but manifest butterflies in your chest. 

Why was his voice so deep?

You shook the thought out of your head, ultimately choosing not to say anything because he was in fact, correct. You grinned widely continuing to mask the truth of your arrangements, leaning into him more as you settled for his hand on your back.

You’d noticed it before, but his hand felt particularly large against you now that he was so close. You glanced at his other hand resting by his side, impressed by how masculine they appeared; long fingers with running veins and a roughness to them, sculpted so well you were sure they deserved to be referred to as art. It tickled your giddy side for a second when they seemed to perfectly contrast your more feminine and smaller hands. 

It was kinda cute. 

You neglected your thoughts once you neared your father, warm-heartedly conversing with a well-dressed man you just about recognized. 

“Ah, there you both are!” Your father cheered, reaching out his arm so he could envelop you in a side-hug, returning Taehyung’s bow and addressment.  

“Dad, I heard you wanted us to meet someone?” You perked up in a superficial tone, at least attempting to act as though everything was fine and dandy in your life; maybe owing it to the alcohol to endure all the falsehoods.

“Yes, Y/N-ie, I wanted you to meet Mr. Won. Chang-in, my lovely daughter and whom I guess you already know, her fiancé and CEO of Kim Enterprises, Kim Taehyung.” Your father proudly presented you both.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Won, Kim Taehyung.” Taehyung was the first to address the man, extending his hand and bowing as he greeted him. You were almost taken aback by how polite he could be, the way his charming smile graced his features and attractively displayed his perfect teeth. His manner of speech and etiquette were all refined with a high degree of professionalism as well, internally gawking at his duality.  

Wasn’t he acting all entitled with you just now? 

“Nice to meet you as well!” You collected yourself and cheered, a little baffled as to why Taehyung still rested his hand against your back. “I’m hoping my father has only said good things.” You earned a laugh from the group, Mr. Won responding by receiving your hand with a firm shake. 

“Ah, Namhyun, you forgot to mention how beautiful your daughter has grown, and your future son-in-law has me jealous! What a handsome and accomplished young man, the perfect match, the two of them.” Mr. Won praised you both kindly.

You and Taehyung both smiled and thanked him humbly, feeling some heat collect in your cheeks upon Mr. Won’s words. You two? The perfect match? Unless he believes a rock and a Greek statue belong together, then he’s absolutely correct. 

Other than that, you chest swarms with butterflies thinking you’re now referred to as ‘two’. 

Taehyung for some odd reason encircles the curve of your waist suddenly, pulling you closer to him. You last minute sputter at the intimate action before leaning into him, one arm nervously encasing his torso as the other rests against his chest. 

You feel him tense underneath you. 

“Aish, you’re such a flatterer. Y/N-ie, do you remember Mr. Won? My friend from university? You haven’t seen him in a while.” Your father rested a hand on your shoulder, trying to jog your memory. 

“Oh, you mean Mr. Won from SNU?” You suddenly remembered, looking to your father for confirmation. 

“Yes, so you do remember!” 

“Of course I do, how could I forget!” You smiled brightly and returned your gaze to the familiar man. “Mr. Won used to sneak me ice cream when you wouldn’t let me have any, Dad.” You scolded him with a playful jab to his arm, inviting more laughter. “I apologize for not recognizing you right away, it’s been a long time, Mr. Won, forgive me.” You solemnly apologized, Mr. Won giving you a look of understanding. 

“Ah, forget it, Y/N. Don’t worry about it, although since it’s been a long time I hope you remember my son? He should be here somewhere..” Mr. Won trailed as his eyes fished over the grand hall, scanning around. 

“Your son..” You repeated to yourself, realizing there was a familiar connection itching at your mind, he was your age actually-

Wait. 

Oh God, not him. 

Anything but him. 

You felt raw panic seep into the spaces between your ribs, your chest filling with a constricting feeling of anxiety you couldn't shake off. Your heart picked up speed and the alcohol coursing through your veins didn’t help your judgement or memory at all, mind fogged over with the poison we dare call alcohol.  

You felt stupid, so utterly stupid. How could you forget Mr. Won and who his Godforsaken son was? 

You felt an anxiety attack riddling you, shifting your weight on your feet as you tried to bite back your uneven breathing. You just couldn’t see this man, especially in a situation where you were standing next to your husband-to-be. 

Taehyung wasn’t so invested in the conversation before him, mindlessly nodding along before he felt you physically freeze next to him, his glance to the side confirming your pale look, watching as your panicked eyes faltered to the floor and revealed... fear? 

He registered your odd shifting and your failed attempts at plastering a smile, confused if you knew this guy and if you did, why were you freaking out so much?

Were you in love with him or something? 

The thought minutely bugged him until he watched you turn straight up uncomfortable, horrified when Mr. Won called out his son’s name. 

“Kiseok-ah! Come here!” 

You stopped breathing when you heard the name, eyes going wide as you avoided eye contact with anyone in the group, but caught Taehyung’s undivided attention. He grew curious when Kiseok sauntered over to the group, your hand on his chest suddenly squeezing his suit as the mysterious man greeted everyone respectfully.

Taehyung watched as his intrigued eyes locked on you, eyebrows perking up amusedly as his lips curved into a smile Taehyung honestly couldn’t admit to liking. 

“Y/N? Wow, long time no see. It’s been what, a year?” The man Kiseok called out happily, like there was absolutely no problem occurring here but as Taehyung felt your hand clutch onto his suit, lips just about quivering before you forced a smile, he knew there was most certainly a problem. 

“Yeah.” Your voice was weak, small, and Taehyung found himself wondering how a courageous person like you was all of a sudden cowering. 

He’d heard it all night, all the accounts of your other life away from the business world. He wasn’t going to lie, he heard a multitude of opinions concerning you, many of which including either looking down on you or telling Taehyung there’s many other, more powerful women in business he could’ve been marrying instead. 

But Taehyung didn’t care for their opinions, he found you the most powerful woman he could ever marry, and agreed to do so because of that very prospect. Sure, you were estranged from the business scene and practically abandoned any role you’d play in your father’s company in order to pursue your own personal aspirations, but if anything, Taehyung found it highly commendable. 

Taehyung knew it took guts to do what you did, a bold and daring act that no other heir or future heir of a wealthy company could ever think of doing, including himself. 

What he found to appreciate most was your unwillingness to give in, where you had to have heard all the back-handed and snobby comments, yet you still held your head up high, remained rooted and adamant in keeping your current way of life. It instantly signaled to him you were courageous, fearless, unable to be stopped in your tracks.

So when he watched you become smaller and smaller the more you stood in the vicinity of this Kiseok, he knew something was sincerely wrong. 

“Ah yes, it’s been quite some time. Why don’t we step away from you three? You could do some catching up.” Your father urged as he motioned Mr. Won to step away with him. You lightly addressed them only to have your hands neglect Taehyung entirely and start fidgeting, attempting to calm your nerves as the alcohol inebriated your system and magnified your anxiety by tenfold. 

“Ah, yes, Kim Taehyung, CEO of Kim Enterprises. I’ve been meaning to meet you.” Kiseok extended his hand as his voice irked you with every syllable, trying your best to seem like absolutely nothing was wrong. 

Taehyung reached out his hand in response uneagerly, giving a small shake while wondering why you let him go. “That’s news to me, nice to meet you.” Taehyung responded, already feeling an intense aura of discomfort and tension between you both, sensing he was missing out on something that seemed 6 ft deep. 

“Likewise. Y/N..” Kiseok suddenly turned towards you, making you wince. You painted on your smile as you lifted your vision. “Kiseok.” 

“How’ve you been?” 

“Better than ever. You?” 

“Marvelous, just wondering what your life’s looked like since I haven’t been in it.”

“I believe I said better than ever, didn’t I?”

Kiseok scoffed unamused, “So a year, huh? In all that time you suddenly found yourself a fiancé, and Kim Taehyung at that?” Kiseok seemed to be making light-hearted conversation to anyone outside of your group, though you knew deep down the hostility behind his words.

“Yeah, I did. It just happened.” You shrugged, gaining the confidence to counter him. “And you? Plan on putting a ring on any of your girls? Maybe the 5th or 7th one you liked?” You sarcastically questioned, furrowing your brows in mock contemplation. 

“No, you know I’ve always had my eye on one girl when it came to marriage.” Kiseok eyed you knowingly, purposefully, like he was trying to make it obvious.

You snorted and glared at him, “If I remember correctly, your attitude said otherwise.” hatred began boiling under your skin. You felt yourself growing angrier by the second, memories between you two coming back in flashes. You didn’t even realize you were shaking until Taehyung’s hand suddenly entangled with yours, pulling you towards him almost defensively. 

You were surprised, looking at your connected hands and back up at Taehyung. He returned your look, peering down at you as he smiled warmly, affectionately. 

“I’m sorry, Kisook? Was it? My future wife and I have plans for tonight. May you excuse us?” Taehyung didn’t even let Kiseok respond before he was pulling you away, in complete shock at his first lack of manners you’d ever seen. You were only left to watch Taehyung as he lead you along, gaining the timely opportunity to realize he was taller than Kiseok, and in fact significantly taller than you. 

Taehyung was a large man in general, you noticed. His shoulders looked broad from behind, accentuated by the fit of his suit which also emphasized the expanse of his chest, tastefully exposing his sculpted neck. His legs were long, proportioned perfectly in accordance with the rest of his model-like figure, which was ideally fit and contained just the right amount of muscle. 

Dear God, you took your time with this one. 

You didn’t even realize Taehyung had pulled you into a secluded hallway or that you were ogling him when he suddenly stopped, turning in your direction and snapping you out of a near fever dream. 

Yeah, alcohol was not a good idea tonight. 

“Who the fuck was that?” 

“What?”

“That douche, who was that?” Taehyung inquired slightly pissed, in need of the asshole’s identity after watching whatever shitshow he didn’t pay for. 

“Nobody, Taehyung, he shouldn’t concern you.” You looked away from him, pouting in a way that made Taehyung momentarily notice the plush of your lips. 

Again?, was all he could think, first, your mother, and now this guy? Just how many people did you have bad connections with and he needed to ignore? 

Why were there so many intricate pieces to you? 

“Are you kidding me? He concerns me now, your mother I can understand but this guy? Nothing to me. I could step on him.” Taehyung proclaimed confidently and stood up broader, conviction written all over his face.

You couldn’t help but giggle at his remark, resembling the thought you had earlier. “I was just thinking, you’re a lot taller than him.” 

Taehyung couldn’t help but bite back a smile, watching you giggle like a shy high schooler and his ears gladly welcomed the soft sound. “Damn straight I am.” He adjusted the jacket of his suit suavely. It was then he remembered what his other hand was doing; still holding yours. 

His eyes suddenly gleamed with mischief. 

He squeezed your hand a little tighter and yanked you towards him, bodies just centimeters apart as you crashed into him, all up in each other’s personal space.

Your eyes widened in complete surprise. 

 “So you were thinking about me, huh?” Taehyung teased with a stupidly lowered tone, a smug grin decorating his face. 

You ignored the electricity shooting through you, rolling your eyes and playfully sneering at him. “Shut up, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see you’re taller.” You forced space between you two and tried snatching your hand from him, but his grip transformed into an iron lock. 

“Says the one who was thinking about me.” 

“Taehyung, shut-” You almost huffed out but as soon as you stepped away, your copious consumption of alcohol suddenly attacked you all at once, vertigo making you lose your balance until Taehyung reached out to steady you. 

“Jheez, did you have to drink tonight?” Taehyung chastised you as you fell into him, head spinning with disorientation and growing flimsier by the second. “You’re probably a lightweight at your size.”

“I am not a lightweight. You don’t even know how much I drank, it was a lot.” You bit back in rebuttal, hooking onto his taut forearms as he supported you. 

“But I did see.” He voiced barely above a whisper, causing you to snap your vision up at him incredulously. “What?” 

“Nothing, it shouldn’t concern you.” Taehyung mocked, though still tried to fix you onto your own footing.  

You didn’t even get to scrutinize him further when you felt another round of dizziness plague you, balance faltering again. Taehyung huffed out and finally flanked you on his side, arm encasing your shoulders as he adjusted you. “Okay Miss I’m-Not-A-Lightweight, you should eat something.” He fit you beside him, beginning to walk you towards the main hall. 

Taehyung in this moment didn’t understand what he was doing, utterly clueless as to what was fueling his actions. He was uncertain why he found himself.. caring? He didn’t even know you, yet he couldn’t help but become a little concerned when he watched you down drinks like it was New Year’s Eve. 

How can all that alcohol fit into one tiny person?

What was he even thinking when he dragged you away from that Kisuk guy? Why did he feel like protecting you all of a sudden? A near sense of possessiveness? He wasn’t even your real husband. 

It started giving Taehyung a headache. This was all strange, a foreign concept he wasn’t familiar with and he didn’t know if it was the result of his considerate personality or only manifested solely because of you.

The same way Taehyung dealt with his inner turmoil, you dealt with yours; you were always so adamant on independence though ironically found yourself leaning on Taehyung.

Oddly, you let him carefully guide you back into the hall with no protests. 

It was the day of the wedding. 

You wish you could recall your emotions throughout the day, certain there would be at least a sliver of a positive one. Though as you remained unmoving, nearly catatonic, unresponsive to your surroundings, you knew there wouldn’t be a single happy memory in the tsunami of sorrow that attacked you today. 

Emotions of grief plagued consistently as you realized the loss of everything you valued most in your life. Your happiness, your freedom, your ability to choose. The stripping of all those bundled into an stifling wad in your chest that left you in a perpetual state of wanting to cry.

The sting in your heart when you realized your mother didn’t bother to come, the excruciating smile you forced onto your features when Taehyung’s mother delicately placed the veil atop your head, the secret tears you shed after adorning your body with a wedding dress you didn’t even choose; it all left you internalizing feelings of utter agony. 

And none of it was your real choice. 

Even the flowers at the wedding weren’t your favourite. 

This day was horrifying. You couldn’t believe you prided yourself on your independence, refusing to give in despite numerous challenges and never taking a word of what anyone said to you. Even when someone begged you to change or come back to your old life, you always chose for yourself. You never allowed someone to push you around, seldom coerced into anything solely based on the wishes of another. 

Yet here you were, standing just before the grand doors of a wedding you never asked for, having easily followed every word of your father’s and sacrificed your deepest principles in order to make him happy, to appease and live up to his expectations that weren’t your own. 

It was utterly frightening, appalling. As if you had lost the one true commendable feature of the intricate character you were, suddenly lost the acclamation of others even if they didn’t know the true nature of your marriage. 

But what disgusted you the most was truly, that you had lost respect for yourself. 

These grim thoughts were the ones that attached themselves to you as you hesitantly hooked your arm with your father’s. You used every ounce of strength to not flee, to remain here, to still walk down that isle with your head held high like you always have despite abandoning every foundation of the character you’d spent years working on.  

You didn’t care that your eyes watered, masking them with the facade of happy tears from the blushing bride. You didn’t care when your father looked incredibly concerned and wondered what was so wrong, you didn’t care how sorrowful you may have appeared to anyone at this ironically glamorous event. 

Though what you did care for was that you couldn’t hold your head up as you walked down the isle, vision fixated on the ground as your tears betrayed you, spilling out at the traumatizing feeling of not being able to stand tall like you always did, something stripping you of your self-reassurance, your strength, your confidence.  

It all spelled the requiem of your soul as you reached the end, dwelling in the impossibility this was happening to you until you felt the touch of Taehyung’s fingertips, guiding you up the stairs. It was then confirmed to you this was in fact real, part of your new reality you had no choice but to accept. 

You suddenly felt eternal gratitude for the veil that now covered your face, hiding the tears you cried at mourning the loss of everything you worked for.

While the priest’s words were read, you didn’t exchange a single look with Taehyung, knowing you’d only want to evaporate into the air, to run away at light speed or have someone in a turn-of-events suddenly take your life, just so you didn't have to face the humility of giving up the life you’d spent blood, sweat and tears building if you looked him in the eye. 

You felt the weight of your unknown future crushing you, pushing you towards the precipice as you gripped Taehyung’s hands harder to ground yourself. 

You were to rely on Taehyung, to share a bond with him you had never spent time cultivating, expected to live a life next to him while never being able to truly understand him, know him, love him. The natural process of falling in love now tainted with the coercion of a pressurized marriage, losing the opportunity to achieve any true sense of love. You’d never experience finding the one anymore, your soulmate, the other end of your red string of fate. 

That realization made your tears spill harder, disconnecting your hand from Taehyung’s to prevent your choked sobs becoming audible, holding your palm against your quivering lips. 

To anyone beyond you and Taehyung, it would look as though you were crying tears of happiness, joyously weeping at your matrimony with the love of your life, though as Taehyung felt the shaking of your hands, your refusal to meet his gaze as you reluctantly walked down the isle, the agonizing pain he could see through the sheer of your veil, he knew you were far from happy. 

He couldn’t help but purse his lips together tightly, knowing you were probably swallowing insurmountable torment down your throat because of this marriage, and tears pricked at his own eyes finding himself able to relate. 

He wasn’t just upset for you or himself, it was the entire situation, quite frankly the fucking world. The fact that the universe planned this as your destiny, his destiny, that the happiness of your parents and two companies came at the expense of both yours and his.

He knew you didn’t hate him, that he wasn’t the reason just as much as you weren’t the reason either, it was the arbitrary nature of the arrangement. That whatever version of true love and happily ever after you and Taehyung had separately dreamed of, it could never come to life. 

Even if the company meant everything to Taehyung, his CEO position more important than whatever position he’d play as some husband, seldom having time to consider love and relationships, he still harboured the same wants and desires any human would. A partner, a companion he truly loved with whom he’d start a family eventually, create a life for them and himself defined by love and comfort.

Though Taehyung only knew now you would both die with your decision-making capabilities robbed of you, bound to each other forcibly without the ardor of real love. 

Taehyung’s every thought was proven correct when the two of you exchanged your vows in near strangled chokes and shaky tones, appearing as happy emotions to the guests of the wedding though only you two knowledgeable of each other’s suffering. 

Your vision finally met Taehyung’s once you heard the rawness in his voice, your miserable emotions doubling when you registered he was just in the same pain as you. It was in that moment the priest’s words became audible and rang loud in both your ears, suddenly grounding you two to earth and reminding you of your reality. 

“You may kiss the bride.”

Both of your eyes grievously locked for a moment of horrified realization; that you were seconds away from going through with this, throwing each other’s lives away for the utilitarian benefit, abandoning any sense of choice in whom you both would spend a lifetime with.

Taehyung swallowed thickly as he removed your veil, feeling his eyes fill with tears again when he laid them upon your utterly devastated, tear-stained face. You were using every nerve in your body to stop yourself from sobbing and caving into the ominous thought of fleeing the ceremony.  

Taehyung’s sight wondered to your lips as they still quivered, nearly swollen red at the intensity in which you bit them, awaiting the kiss you were certain would be filled with frustration and hatred, hatred for the mud you were dragging him through, hatred for pressuring him into suddenly valuing something more than his work and his company, to suddenly become a husband to you. 

Though as he watched the terror flashing through your eyes, tears watering your lash line, he knew he could never feel anything so ardently negative towards you, remembering exactly what he was stripping you of. 

The life you built on your own, defying any and everyone’s expectations of yourself, cursing your heir status to hell, your strength, your independence. Now? Your life was bound to his, bound to one where you were obliged to sacrifice yourself for your father’s company and the upper class cesspool you’d spent so long trying to run away from. 

So as Taehyung began closing the gap between you two, nearing your shaking figure, he resolved he wouldn’t make this hard. He would try, try to accept that his life now entailed you, would try to work towards the balance his father insisted he needed, try to understand that you were now part of his priorities and could never simply ignore you.  

He glided his thumbs against the back of your hands that held his pacifyingly, leaning down until he was just inches from your lips as you squeezed your eyes shut. He unexpectedly spoke quietly, meaningfully, seconds away from sealing the deal of an uncertain future, though, remained certain of this one thing. 

“I’ll take care of you, Y/N, I promise.” And he kissed you in a single breath, no haste, no pressure, only the gentle touch of his lips as they met yours, soft and light. 

Maybe Taehyung didn’t know the exact feelings behind his promise, but he knew the meaning; that no matter the arrangement, the non-existent feelings, the loss of choice, he would at least take care of you like any husband would, a good husband.  

He at least owed you that.  

You were left shocked at the nature of his kiss, Taehyung’s warm lips connecting with yours tenderly. You were convinced the tears you saw in his eyes were enough to assert he hated this, frustrated he had to sell his soul, wishing to only rush the kiss so he could call it a day and ignore you for the rest of his life. 

Though what you never expected was the promise he made, or the way he kissed you with such intimacy you found yourself melting into his touch, reciprocating. He kissed you like you were fragile, locking your lips in a way that solidified his promise, as if out of all the empty vows you spoke today, this was the one, true vow he would keep. His lips felt plush against yours, catching his mouth just a little more before the bittersweet disconnection. 

You and Taehyung exchanged a poignant look, small smiles decorating both your faces with a mutual understanding swimming in your eyes as you gripped each other’s hands. You let his promise permeate the air between you two, finding solace in his words as the applause of everyone attending the ceremony filled the hall.   

Maybe it was the warm way Taehyung always pressed his hand to the small of your back when you spoke to others the whole night, maybe the way he veered you away from excessive amounts of alcohol with a light-hearted scolding considering that last time you drank, or maybe even the way he gently held you during your first dance..

Maybe it was all these considerate, kinds act that made you view Taehyung in a less negative light and rather a favourable one, that maybe he wouldn’t be the asshole CEO you’d first accused him of being.  

You would also be an idiot to not mention how completely and utterly handsome he was, looks carved by the Greeks themselves, quite possibly the hottest, most attractive man you’ve ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on. 

And maybe all that accumulated into your assured opinion that when it came to consummating your marriage with Taehyung, you’d have no qualms or worries whatsoever. You would be absolutely willing, ready to take the night on and maybe even have some fun for yourself with whom you could tell was a really, really nice guy.

Though as Taehyung walked calmly in front of you towards your hotel suite, reaching into his suit pocket for the card key he’d retrieved at the front desk to swipe against the lock, your chest clogged with a crushing feeling of anxiety you couldn’t subdue. 

These weren’t the same nerves of maybe being not pretty enough, body insecurities or fear of what to expect from Taehyung, no, these nerves came from the utter panic of having to experience sex with another man.

Especially since your last partner. 

It always started with your permission, that wasn’t the issue, Though what left you afraid, so utterly frightened with the thought of spending a night with a man like this came from the treatment you received from that partner. 

Safe to say, you weren’t treated kindly. Far from that, actually, you were treated as though you had no needs or were a means of simple use. Your last partner was the opposite of giving, he was selfish, self-absorbed and only concerned himself with his own pleasure, going on and on only until he was satisfied and neglected you in every sense of the word, sometimes even refusing to listen to you if you protested. 

To make matters worse, he wasn’t faithful. 

You knew he slept around, a lot, it was the number one reason you never agreed to actually date him, never make things official. 

But the reason you would end up sleeping with him was because of the most perfectly imperfect concept among the human race; love. You believed every time with him was a new chance to make that love real, that it was the genuine manifestation of your feelings for one another, thinking maybe he wasn’t the asshole he always portrayed himself as and could man up enough to love you unconditionally. 

And he completely reeled you in, made you fall in love too quickly and made you believe he was capable of love. This grew exponentially when you were often described as ‘the different one’, the one he always came back to, that you were special. You clung onto those words as much as you could, convinced each time you were in fact the one for him, that maybe one day, he’d wake up and abandon his fuckboy lifestyle and mature.

But everyday that went by, every promise that was never fulfilled, every word that wasn’t met with an action, and especially after every hook up that resulted in nothing new, you began to understand you were everyone’s favourite role in a Shakespearean play. 

The fool. 

You were a joke to believe anything he said, the most naive person on earth to think you were any different from the others, when every night simply ended in rough fucks, virtually no orgasm and miniscule aftercare.

It left you essentially scarred, traumatized that every man in the world was built like this. It didn’t help that whenever you look back, many of your ex partners were of the same cut, the same trope of assholes that don’t seem as bad but end up being exactly so. 

It was what made you swallow thickly as Taehyung opened the door to the suite, holding it open as he moved aside to let you enter first. You walked forward and unintentionally brushed against him, realizing how much smaller you were in comparison to him all over again. 

He towered over you, and it made you more nervous. 

You looked up at him momentarily and quietly thanked him as you stepped inside, setting your sights on the large, king sized bed situated on one side of the room, a lounging area with couches to the other side which lead to a bathroom. Seoul’s breathtaking skyline was visible in the dark of the night through wall-to-ceiling windows opposite to you, covered by flowy, sheer curtains. 

You took a deep breath, trying to remind yourself Taehyung was not the same. Not all men are the same, you can’t inflict the mistakes and wrongdoings of one man onto another, categorize them into one kind. You wanted to think this way, and you knew it was the humane way to think. 

But as the memories of those heart-aching nights filled your head, the empty words, the lack of care or concern, the neglect, the feelings of pure abandonment and use only caused your heart to beat profusely in your chest, clutching onto the neckline of your dress to breathe. 

What if Taehyung really was no different?

It then suddenly hit you you didn’t know him. All you knew of Taehyung was that he was a fiercely successful business man, sitting atop Seoul’s most prestigious with Godly looks and a stare that could kill a man. You remembered your initial feelings about him; his stare in fact intimidated you, quite frankly all of him intimidated you, he was the epitome of perfection and you were far from that very notion. It left you thinking you didn’t measure up, and that he could view you in a dissimilar light than you viewed him; an unfavorable one. 

He could simply not want you, but is forced to.  

You’d observed his kind behavior and actions over the odd two days you met him, though that was exactly the inculpatory factor; you had only met him twice. You didn’t know what he would be like alone, when it was just the two of you, when there weren’t eyes scrutinizing him and cameras snapping shots of his every move. 

You didn’t know how he would be like in the bedroom, either. 

Your mind raced as you conflicted with yourself, trying to understand that Taehyung could be different, though apprehensive with the miniscule knowledge you actually had of him. 

You discerned after that last asshole of a partner you needed the love and care of a real partner, someone who would tend to your needs, adore you in the midst of their actions, be a giver and not just a receiver.  

And you didn’t know if Taehyung would be that partner. 

“Y/N...” Taehyung called out to you rather softly as he removed his suit jacket, the rustling of the cloth signaling he had indeed done so. His footsteps were hard to miss, the soles of his shoes sounding against the hardwood floor as he neared your lonesome figure standing in the middle of the room. 

Your breathing quickened with nearly every step he took, attempting to resolve the civil war you were battling within. You were trying to convince yourself Taehyung would be a nice man, a nice husband; though couldn’t help but feel deflated by the fact it was all mainly coerced out of him.

Your thoughts overwhelmed you as Taehyung finally stood behind you, mere inches from your back as he watched you from behind, unbeknownst of any feelings or thoughts currently riddling you.

He hesitated, though gently placed his hand against your bare arm, the sudden warmth of his hand against your skin causing you to flinch. He peered down at your smaller self squarely focusing in front of you, anticipating your response. He grew slightly soft when you tentatively looked over your shoulders, clearly teary-eyed. 

Taehyung couldn’t miss how scared you seemed, and he his heart inexplicably stung at the thought you were afraid of him. 

“We don’t have to do this.” Taehyung’s voice was low and resembled warm honey, reverberating in a way that made you ease up. 

You worked towards a stable voice. “W-we don’t?” 

“No, we don’t” His voice held no disappointment, only the intention of seemingly wanting to assure you, firm and oddly comforting. 

“I’m sorry, Taehyung. I’m really sorry.” It was hard to keep your tone leveled, clutching your hand over your mouth as you swallowed your emotions. 

“Don’t be sorry, there’s nothing for you to apologize for.” 

You strangely felt the desire to hold his hand that rested against you, though you ignored the urge and simply stepped out of his touch, clutching your chest tightly in an effort to cower away from him. But it was here you suddenly remembered that he kissed you, and the way he did so. 

It made your cheeks fill with a rosy blush. 

“Do you mean that?” You’d finally turned to meet his eyes, his face only visible by the moonlight illuminating the room. He seemed to have retracted his hand and stood with both tucked in his pockets, relaxed. 

This became the first time you noticed just how ravishing he looked tonight. 

His dark hair was slicked back loosely and left enough pieces to fall as a comma, graciously exposing his forehead, his Tom Ford suit attractively hugged his model-like body, watch and accessories accentuating his expensive look. 

His features were casted over by soft lighting, somehow adding to his beauty as the glow made him appear... less intimidating, dare you say warm or inviting. 

His expression was funnily enough, one that you could actually read. He held no contempt, no impatience or anger, only a hint of consideration as his calm eyes looked at you. His face may have been predominantly blank, void of a smile, though certainty held a form of reassurance.  

“Of course I do, why would I do anything with an unwilling person?”

You scoffed lightly, “Not a lot of people would say that.” Your eyes faltered from Taehyung’s and clutched yourself tighter, expression completely telling of trauma.

Taehyung instantly picked up on it, eyebrows slightly furrowing at your words though softening once registering their weight. He felt an overwhelming sense of apology take him, thinking of his next sentence before his mind oddly flashed back to the night of the engagement party.

“Y/N, did Kiseok..?” Taehyung trailed hesitantly. 

You winced at his line of thinking, “No, no...not what you’re thinking,” you immediately denied. “Just, shitty experiences.”

“Shitty, as in...?”

“As in only seeking self-satisfaction, neglect, lies, infidelity. Can we go to sleep?” You deflected with a heavy sigh and a hand at your temple, the day’s events catching up to you.

Taehyung nodded in agreement, “Yeah, sleep. We both need that.” His eyes then landed on the bed, registering even if it were large enough you two could sleep apart, he still opted for caution. 

“Um.. you can take the bed, by the way. I’ll sleep on the couch-”

“No, don’t do that.” You replied quickly. “I can’t sleep on a king-sized bed all by myself, it’s huge.” You side-eyed the massive mattress and laughed a little, lightening the heavy aura casted over the room. 

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to be uncomf-”

“Don’t worry, Taehyung. You don’t make me feel uncomfortable.” You smiled at him lightly and received a small one from him, both your eyes mirroring the same sense of understanding you exchanged at the altar. 

“I’ll let you wash up first, your overnight bag should be in the bathroom closet.” Taehyung informed, pointing towards the direction of your things. 

“Thank you.” You voiced with an amount of warmth that made Taehyung want to genuinely smile, though crushed the weird urge and nodded agreeably instead.

You began walking away from him until a nuisance suddenly occurred to you, cursing yourself as you came to a full stop. “Um, Taehyung.. I forgot but could you..?” You angled your back towards him to call out to the ribbons tying the back of your dress, knowing you would’ve taken 20 years just to untie your bodice yourself. 

The fact that you weren’t looking directly at Taehyung made him feel relieved, glad he wouldn’t embarrass himself with the his eyes slightly widened. He was quick to reprimand himself, it’s just a woman’s dress, why the hell are you shocked? 

Taehyung swallowed dryly before replying, “Uh, yeah I’ll--I’ll do that.” He walked towards you sparingly and positioned himself behind you.

He’d noticed it before, but you were relatively small compared to him in size and it continued to poke at his brain, maybe even momentarily think it was cute. 

Cute? When have I ever found a girl cute?

Taehyung exhaled before his hands carefully made for the silk ribbons, his tentative fingers fiddling with the ties until he eventually began loosening each one. He started unlooping your bodice, breathing out considerably when each loop began exposing your back inch by inch.  

Taehyung’s sweet, hot breath fanned your skin, tensing each time as your every nerve went haywire feeling just how close he was. His slender fingers brushed against your bare skin here and there, making heat collect in your face.

You grew even hotter when your kiss with him suddenly crept back into your mind, unknowing of the reason why excitement and electricity shot throughout your body because of it. The way his soft, full lips met yours, mouthed at you tastefully repeated in your head, making you extremely nervous at how much a measly kiss from him was occupying your mind; it was just a kiss. 

Taehyung found himself tensing by the intimacy of the moment, remembering the way he so boldly kissed you. He found that he liked the plush of your lips, the way he had to bend down to your smaller height to lock lips; and it made him feel strange. 

How the hell was he taking interest in something other than his work? No, this isn’t interest, Taehyung thought, and would spend however long denying it. 

He’d finished the task throughout all his thinking, unrealizing of how proximal he was to you. He oddly hated that the moment was over, coming back down to Earth.

“There you go.” He cleared his voice and stepped away from you. 

You held your bodice up against your chest, realizing Taehyung had a full-access view of your back and you grew 10x hotter. You gulped at the thought before hastily turning around to thank him, quickly disappearing into the bathroom for a moment of reprieve. 

You shut the door and instantly breathed out a breath you didn’t remember holding, looking at your hot mess of a face in the mirror trying to cool down, reliving the last 10 minutes of what just happened. 

You took a deep breath. 

Maybe Taehyung is different after all. 

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