#nothing ive done was for nothing
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Gonna take a second to be proud of myself for not only acing my classes, but also doing a great job at my internship (to the point where it's giving me enough leeway to advocate for myself as a trans student), continuing to be involved at my volunteer position (and doing advocacy for disability and also trying to start a conversation on race), working on redesigning an entire class (so much work left to do before January but it's worth the hours), starting a fun ttrpg campaign with my friends as a DM and coming up with an entire homebrew setting & story, all the while being disabled as fuck.
#and i still try to be politically involved via coaching and supporting the friend who replaced me at the student association#and whos getting all the bs thrown her way#she is so much braver than me#im usually scared to highlight my successes like this bc of what happened in 2018#but this is more stable#i made active choices to leave situations that i thought were too risky or not rewarding enough#im better at being reliable and i can work consistently because i let myself rest now#its scary! but even if things dont work out im still proud of whats been done so far#it was my birthday yesterday and you know what#ive done well#my 20s have been a mess but things are falling in place#nothing ive done was for nothing#and nothing i do now will be for nothing#every single small action matters
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Sylus is for the ones who want security
Sylus is for the ones whose feet always seem to find the cracks in the pavement, who always seem to stumble over themselves as they try desperately to make something- a name for themselves, a conversation, a new relationship, a stronger existing one, anything- only to fail again and again.
Sylus is for the ones who find themselves holding up their hands as they watch them shake. Why you? Why was everything always on you? Why did you always have to make the effort, the connection, the fake-happy face to appease someone, just so that they might love you?
Sylus is for the ones who truly try, but have longed since reached the breaking point. Don't worry darling. Hide the cracks. If they're hidden, you surely can handle a little bit more disappointment. A little bit more 'being alone' no matter how hard you try. A little bit more on focusing on everyone else's needs while neglecting your own. Why are you breaking? Why are your pieces on the floor? Chin up, darling. It's only for a while longer. How much longer? Well, how much more do you have left to give?
Sylus is for the ones who sit wondering why. Why is there suddenly the foreign feeling of care, of love, of endearment? When everything has been 'nothing' for so long, how are you supposed to cope with 'anything' at all? Much less 'everything'? The stack of bills are paid, the cupboards no longer have ramen, rice, and beans. The texts come frequently, and your phone rings randomly whenever you cross someone's mind. When have you ever crossed someone's mind? And the clothes bought for you fit like a glove.
Sylus is for the ones who have given everything all of their life, who have found themselves desperate for connections that no one wants to make with them, who give their everything in exchange for more anxiety and demands at their expense.
Sylus is for the ones who want security.
#.writey#love and deepspace#lads#lds#x reader#sylus x reader#lds sylus#lnds sylus#love and deepspace sylus#shoots myself in the process again#ive done nothing wrong your honor
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it is insane how normal i am medicated like. you mean this was an option the whole time. what
#theresbeen some hiccups like the first month i started to realize my work drive was 90% fear based#so ivehad to develop like actual work schedule and discipline thats not just 'everyone will hate me if i dont'#but its been working! now getting stuff done actually... feels.... good?#instead of like throwing water over one fire only to run to the next one#like before nothing was ever satisfying. i was always just running around panicked#now im like. okay this is what i have to get done today. yay! i finished it! now i go to bed. okay now its the next day#the only other thing ive noticed is ive become seemingly like. more. autistic acting.#like i get More fixated on my special interests now. i can think about something for hours straight instead of getting guilty and thinking#'oh im being greedy im being lazy with my time i should be doing something productive'
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"Will it sting?"
Art for Chapter 1 of my new zosan fic 'Because It's You'
here on ao3
#one piece#zosan#zosan fic#zoro x sanji#sanji#zoro#this will be a full illustrated fic like i've done in the past!#6 chapters total and currently writing the final one now so I plan to have a regular update schedule!#so excited to finally share this haha ive been doing nothing but write this these past few weeks orz#nearly done! just the artwork to do now#my fic#my art#fic: because it's you
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lay my curses out to rest—
#revolutionary girl utena#rgu#utenanthy#utena tenjou#anthy himemiya#shoujo kakumei utena#sku#illustration#impalement#song linked is curses#the crane wives#spent way too long figuring out how i wanted to finish this thing and im not sure i super like it but done is better than nothing right#i dont think ive used these halftone brushes since 2021 lol#2023#ayilings
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Having adhd is like being stuck in rooms with no exits and then told by neurotypicals i should have just done like them and walked through a door
#im just a bit frustrated today#there were things i wanted to get done today but instead ive just been sitting in my chair waiting for my brain to allow me to do SOMETHING#like literally ive just been sitting#nothing else#stuck in my head trying to at least do smth i enjoy#like i wanna draw#but nooooooo my brain had to load for 2hours before i could do even that#adhd#neurodivergent
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some business to take care of
#i was tempted to caption this as she was a skater boy and she was also another skater boy but#duck scribbles#midoyuzu#enstars#whats up guys im being embarrassing again on main#been wanting a new phone wallpaper and this was born. its the lesbian version though im not showing that#midori takamine#yuzuru fushimi#yuzumido#ensemble stars#also have additional doodles that r kind of corny and im too ashamed to add into the main post so i might add on a reblog or maybe not#midterms were so awful i had to keep reminding myself i can go ham drawing whatever i want once im done. and naturally its this#anyways ive always liked midos city rider fit it suits her so well#always wanted to find a good one to pair w it and the wink killer 2nd half xscout was toooo good i was inspired immediately#finally could use this good ref pic ive had saved since forever i need to draw backgrounds more too it was rather fun somehow#mental state has been yoyoing an insane degree lately like come on i dont need to be reminded i am a useless hunk of meat every other day#with nothing good going for them. college is amazing at reminding me of such god bless#i have bad tendencies to self isolate behind the excuse of concentrating that i am trying to fix . but its hard to get back when i do#not to mention the entire Big Event happening over in good ol amerika serikat!!! my apathy is naturally immense#but whats some peace of mind here and there idk. im gonna read yuri
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Tango: We got a little procrastination going on here?
Doc: Well I have two more embers to go, but -- I wanna, you know, I wanna go in the morning when I'm rested well and such
Cleo: [cackling]
Tango: Every bit helps, yeah
[...]
Doc: I might've drunk half a bottle of wine at the moment--
[Laughter from all the hermits in the lobby]
Cleo: Only half?! Lightweight!
Doc, defensively: I had to share!!
God I love these idiots.
#hermitcraft#decked out 2#docm77#tangotek#zombiecleo#pulled from bdub's most recent livestream#Decked Out Until I Drop! around the 1hr mark#ive done nothing but cackle through the entire stream#also @ Doc as a chronic wine drinker and intermittent lightweight: same dude XD#could you imagine running decked out tipsy??#youd have a goddamn heart attack#or have giggling fits#either or
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The insanity grows stronger every day
#sun and moon show#securitybreachfnaf#art#sun fnaf#sun#fnaf#digitalart#the sun and moon show#tsams#sams#lunar#luanr tsams#tsams lunar#tsams sun#tsams moon#tsams fanart#ive done nothing but draw these guys for 4 hours#chat is this real
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For my birthday... read my webcomic! It's literally free! (Unless you want books. Those are not free)
It's beautiful, it's gentle, it's funny, they're canonically t4t and gay... And it's about time traveling vampires solving supernatural mysteries!
I've spent thousands of hours writing and drawing it, and it's really good! I'm not biased!
It's on hiatus right now and coming back in 2 months, so it's the perfect time to get caught up
#i felt weird putting this in there so I didnt but I've also received recognition for excellence in writing#and was nominated as a fan favorite on webtoon canvas...#so like not only do i work super hard but its just really good!#im not ashamed of claiming that i think my work is well done. if i didn't think i was doing a good job why would i do it#buuuut. something about being like please read my comic im literally so good at comics feels weird to me#even though i think that. in my brain#i dont want to imply that there is some objective or tangible goodness to my work simply for receiving some accolades#its nothing other than some accolades. whether or not someone likes it is up to them#so i guess to me it just feels superfluous#but genuinely I love my comics...#i re read them all the time. and i enjoy them!#theres things i would change and probably will change when i go to print#but i did what I could with the time and energy I had#and when it comes back... oh boy.#my friends have agreed its the best stuff ive ever written. it's literally so good...#im so excited to share.#still not fully ready to officially commit to the return date#but i am gunning for it!#webcomics#webtoon#time and time again#its my birthday!#idk wtf to tag this as. im 27 now...#read my comic#LOL
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Why Rolan isn't recruitable
#nothing gets done at camp bc theyre both yapping#this is may be the silliest thing ive ever made#it came to me in a vision#i had no choice but to make it but im choosing to subject other people to this#baldurs gate 3#bg3#gale of waterdeep#gale dekarios#rolan#bg3 rolan#abyssalcryptidart#i dont even know if theres a ship name or if i even ship them dont look at me
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do not give me a man because i will make them my housewife and also fat probably
#i spend my time doing things i swear are important and then i totally forget what exactly i did and feel like ive done nothing all day#i have to write a 20 chapter slow burn abt how i save him and i domesticate him and we live a normal life and we're like married#so i can justify drawing him soft but i will just dream for now#sebastian solace#my art
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okay unironically I love so much that porter is like this world SUCKS its BAD here and it HURTS you why do you care abt it!!! and literally every single bad kid is like ngl we just hate ur ass it does not matter what ur philosophy is
#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year#not art#fhjy spoilers#its!!! gods I will Be My Ass in the tags rn. but thats so like. deliciously setting typical#like porter's desire is to transcend and his contempt for the world he's in feels. idk Real#like he plays the game bc he wants to win and be done with it. how do I word this#yknow. being a god would like. be his win state. when he gets that happening thats it his story is done he checks out#meanwhile the bad kids do actually just like playing the game lmao. like they love adventuring!#theyre so solidly Of This World. they carry the values that can only be born of it and they like having mastery over it#its a meta angle that I think is very fun specifically for d20 being in such a unique position in the zeitgeist when it first started#the rat grinders are from DnD Writ Large. porter wants to escape. but this is the bad kids' home its Their Actual Play Show#which makes it so fucking excellent to me that porter's question is somewhat of merit! its their show and it tries very hard to punish them#and they just straight up dont listen to him here lmao bc they hate him but! since the moment the academic track ended its been clear#that they save the world bc they Like Playing. With Each Others#thats what riz thinks the core of adventuring is! thats why fig stayed! and I also think thats why this hovers over elmville now and#a dead god is coming back in the school gym. porter is a shit evangelist but even if hes a good one I dont think it wouldve worked like he#wants it to. the only way he couldve escaped is if he'd not involved elmville at all. thats where the bad kids met dude#its a shitty place that fucks with them but they all come back here bc they wanna play with each others#and in that regard I think thats what the stress tokens ultimately means. Is This Game Still Fun To Play. ITS A RAGEQUIT LIMIT#Im literally running from one end to another of this conspiracy board Ive pulled out of nowhere#Ill draw after this I just wanna get this out. gods this episode has done nothing but furthering my delusion of grandeur actually#Im the hottest smartest manthing on earth Im king fucking midas over here. anyways uh! great ep!
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heeyyy gaaanggg
the pose and the background of the album version (left) are based on oingo boingos only a lad album art. not cause i think he has anything to do with it but just cause ive been wantin to draw that pose for like. weeks and i didnt know who to put there. so why not my latest bug man.
#my art#digital art#digital painting#fanart#resident evil 7#ethan winters#goddd PLEAAASEEEE#i havent known if i was gonna post this or not multiple times in the process of drawin this. but ultimately i spent too much time on it to#NOT post it. embarrassment be damned#but at the same time what am i even doin yknow. what is this what is goin on pleaaseee PLEASEEEEE#I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RESIDENT EVIL!!! I DONT KNOW N O T H I NG I KNOW LESS THAN NOTHING#HOW?? HOW DID I GET HERE??? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN???? i know exactly the answer to all those questions but it still boggles me how fast this#happened. usually it takes WEEKS if not MONTHS for me to start makin fanart. this was faaasttttt TOO FAST and im like. genuinely constantly#thinkin about this game. im ALWAYS thinkin about this game. part of why this took me so long to do is cause i always wanna play re7 or thin#about re7 in a strange and deranged way. ive actually genuinely been SICK WHAT HAPPENEDDDDDD#im losing it!! anyways this took me a looonggg ass time and i redrew it soo many timmmessss#i did like. 3 lineart passes. the album version i did 3 shading passes. i really struggled!! and ultimately i dont know how i feel about it#like i kinda resent it. for takin so long and makin me suffer so much#never again. never again will i spend that much time on a drawing. i HATE when drawins take a long time. i HATE that. it makes me madddd#ive been insane. ive been so insane. and im not gettin better like i cant sleep sometimes cause im thinkin about this game and this guy and#that gal like i think about them!! so! so much!! oh my god!!#in the time it took me to finish this ive done like 10 sketches for other pieces like. and ive had like 3 ideas ive written down.#and like 50 that i havent written or sketched.#IVE WRITTEN POETRY!! P O E T R Y !!!#i write the occasional poem when im feelin some kinda profound emotion but i NEVER write poetry about media SOBBING#anyways thats the post i think this is the beginnin of the end so lets hold hands and pray. ugh sorry if i get sick. im shakin.
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DAY 103(123): miscellaneous practice beasts
#codacheetah#isat#loop isat#isat spoilers#(looks at the number discrepancy between days passed and days drawn) AUGH#im so sorry for my absence gamers i have been beaten horrendously by artblock and lack of schedule#i miss drawing for this blog.....i havent been drawing much at all lately frankly its so depressing its not even funny#i was so excited for artfight and ive done one attack. augh#i feel really bad abt not posting here like actually#but better to post something small and random than nothing at all i suppose#um anyways also sorry for posting this at 11:50 again. even when i have no obligation to post i only draw at like 11 pm through 4 am
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In the midst of all this I cant help but wish there was some dedicated online community space for transfems (Please do not invite me to discord servers)
#fine to reblog#the parentheses are playful I just dont see discord servers as a solution because of the walled garden/arbitrary moderation issues#I dont have an issue with joining discord servers with cool transfems I just dont see them as a solution to this problem#but also damn Ive been thinking about things that could be done for the limitations of spaces like tumblr in having these conversations#and Ive got nothing
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