#i miss drawing for this blog.....i havent been drawing much at all lately frankly its so depressing its not even funny

[dailyloopdeloop]

DAY 103(123): miscellaneous practice beasts

[tamiddyinyourcity]

11:10pm.

Alright.

Stress.

Flashbacked to the time I broke up with Patrick, the brunette one. I wonder if I handled it okay... well of course, calling his sloppy friend a sloppy bitch isn't the greatest route. (But, he and she had been mega sloppy.) I ended it the best way I could, by trying to both 1) be reckless in a way where they'd not want to speak to me ever again, and 2) blocking them on everything since I didn't want him to see what I posted, but just making tweets for general venting purposes. So... it doesn't truly matter how I reacted. The past is in the past. I didn't expect him to stay up that late just restless over me or reading my posts. He acted like he didnt care if i was around, so I left... so, whats the problem?

It was sorta sad, hearing the way he said "have a good night" so glumly after I dumped him.

I was serious. I was super betrayed by his treatment of me and invalidating my feelings and perspective. And if that was how the big talks would go, frankly I saw no reason to continue sticking around.

But... I could've been better about it in certain aspects.

I don't regret leaving him since he was doing that thing where I voiced a concern, or even potential resolutions, just for it to be dismissed.

But, idk. Idk. Its weird. Its a weird feeling all around.

Like, damn, havent exactly had a guy like me to the extent of being dumped, and going, "Let's keep checking in on her tweets, or try to read as many of her blog posts as possible."

But.... yeah.

It wasn't easy for me, I pretty much blacked out and did the mean stuff relating to his idiotic girl best friend who couldnt respond to a fucking text but was so keen to stalk my page, (stupid WHORE,) [i like using the word 'whore' in a different context than the original word is based; unless Patrick was right, and she did have threesomes in the past or some shit..... but no shame, dick is dick,] and then cried in the laundry room near my house.

For a long long time.

My eyes hurt, just thinking about that night. It's not like I wanted to dump the guy who used to idly rest his forehead against mine as we googled Red Pandas at 3am, or that I could listen to Rico Nasty with.

....

Whatever.

He chose what he chose, and I reacted under the pretense of never seeing him again. Life happens. Oh well.

...........

Good stuff happened today.

I was actually managing to restart old script ideas I had in the past.

Then, some kids across the street were putting on a mini jazz performance. Trombone and the flute, a nice sized crowd of people watching. Only like ten, though. Not exactly social distancing, but it was pleasant for a half hour and genuinely had uplifted my mood for the day. :)

It also reminded me of Other Patrick, and the jazz records he owned. He used to be so excited, showing me all the classics his dad gave him.

Gaaaaah. If not for a pandemic, I'd totally be down to drop off some housewarming goodies to his parents. (I'm bad at having relationships end well, but, good at still being the favorite girl for whoever the person's parents are. Not sure about my most recent ex, but they were still pleasant towards me and didn't shoot me any daggers with their eyes..... Oh well, who knows.)

Anyway.

Hmmm.... I painted some concept art, since I finally found my favorite pens and some old pastels of mine. Fixed my bulletin board recently.

I'm pretty good at the whole "draw dismembered bloody figures puking up gore" thing. No, it's nothing psychopathic, its for a horror comedy that I'm writing, lmfao.

I thought it should have good Carrie/The Witch's House/Ju-On The Grudge vibes. :)

Getting better at my layering, anatomy, and brush strokes. Aye.

Aaaand feeling nice. :)

Admittedly, I miss my ex sometimes. Its not the feeling of "oh my GOD i cant believe i cant fuck him or be all naked and vibing anymore", or me crying over not being able to kiss a dude or get good morning texts.... its pretty passive.

Like chilling and doing good, until I woke up this morning with some bad thoughts.

Which nearly resulted in a homicide, once my mom tried to test me. (It luckily did not end with me smashing a microwave into my mom's skull eleven times and doing atrocious acts, it just resulted me leaving the house after she screamed at me, crying in the rain a bit, returning, her acting like nothing happened, and then i seemed okay until i dropped a bag clip and shouted "FUCKING WHOOOOOOOORE" at the top of my lungs, being a blatant signal that I needed to be as easy on myself as possible for today.

Thankfully, jazz music done by 15 year olds playing blissfully through my street, and painting, and film inspirations for horror flicks... helped me out.

Awessome.

:)

11:40pm.

I guess it's just odd, knowing someone can go from liking me so much that they're reading up on every single thing I do post breakup, (really fucking weird but borderline sexy in a way i dont feel like explaining,) to not having me pass their mind.

I don't know if I do.

It's probably better not to think about it too much. I'm currently happy and content in my situation.

Also, me and Rowan are just friends. Which is fine, since not only do I not have the funds to move to the UK or something, buuuut they're, uh.... I don't know.

I still adore em, but them texting me "i want to die" in the middle of what was a pleasant conversation, and then dipping for like an hour or two..... scared the shit out of me. And they never acknowledged it when they returned, which sucked.

Its just scary. I wouldn't want someone to hide things from me, and then before I know it, pass away, you know?

Yeah.

I think that's why I prefer to post here.

It would give insight if anything ever happened. Best case scenario, someone out there relates to the things I write about on here. Worst case scenario... lets not even discuss that.

But, evidence either way, so. :D

11:45pm.

I did really like Patrick. I'm sure he knows that. Or, idk. But I also doubt he cares.

Things were going so great before things broke off. Which just.... made things so much more frustrating, yknow?

Ugh.

I guess now is a better time than ever to get some of the memories out:

Ice skating with him, and my ankles started getting sore, so eventually we had sat down for a bit. He was doing that thing where he looked like he was fake smiling, since he knew I always worried he didn't like me in the way I hoped. (I still have my doubts... But to be fair, he did have depression and anxiety, so the days he could open the door with low eyelids and generally bitchy were just him trying to force himself to be active instead of allowing himself some off days.... It was a cross between, "hes trying too hard to be something hes not", and "hes just not at the same level as me". We still worked out as a couple, shame the way it ended like that.)

Two separate occasions of us in his car during the coldest parts of the season, sleeping smushed together in one car seat (with our scrawny asses) until we both eventually hit sobriety after a night drinking with him.

Christmas with his parents. Loved it, got to tell his family about noise music concerts and whatnot. The food was super good. And he was so damn pretty.

One of the phone calls we had, before getting back together after our first breakup. We were getting pretty good at communication, and I was happy about it.

That time we went to see the meteor shower one night, and I screamed bloody murder, since when I was staring up at the night sky when it was pitch black.... I heard a bunch of footsteps rapidly approaching us from the woods. It turned out it was not a serial killer coming to slit my throat before chasing him into the forest, but even more surprising, and oddly.... some old man with neon green running shoes, jogging, at midnight... far from civilization.... huh.

Me going, "Do you want to kiss me?", and him saying no, only to want to once he realized I was cutting him out my life. (Jesus Christ, Patrick; don't tell girls who you think are nuts, that you have no intention of trying with, that you want to kiss them? What's the fucking point? If he wanted to kiss me so bad, he should've just came over and did it right then and there, then. But, he didn't. Even if he did, as if it was a shitty romcom movie on Lifetime, he'd still probably pull a "just because i wanted to kiss you doesn't mean I *like* you", dick move.... God, why is he like that?)

The idle mornings of eating breakfast with him, either at the local diner or in his house. His cereal is still weird, but i mean, like, it was alright. Gravel, with the smallest hint ever of honey? And he usually was peak antisocial when he woke up... oddly adorable.

That day in Berkeley, when I apologized to him, and somehow the topic of why I did what I did came up, so me just going "Hey Patrick!", and him, exasperated like usual, going "What??", just for me to say "I had feelings for you!", and his smile instantly dropped. LMFAOOOOOO, that alone had me like "i said HAD, CALM DOWN", and explaining the complicatedness of "i like you a lot and was being a horrendous bitch because i couldnt tell if you liked me, or if i was blatant enough with what i thought was me being too obvious for my crush, and was confused and embarrassed so badly and im sorry", just for him to be like "you liked me?????????????", aaaaaaaaand yeah.

And ironically, that made him like me. Lmfao. Cute. Then we yet again acted stupid and indirect about our crushes out of fear of embarrassment! Why the fuck do we always do that????? Thats literally how we ended up breaking up several times?????? Jesus christ.

No wonder I preferred blatantly going "i have a crush on you that im trying to get over, unless you're down", to people. Way easier that way.

Rowan and I are gonna have some space for a bit. Mainly since I get too attached, and do not want to have the whole "he saw my pink canoe, but doesnt wanna buy the lake just wants to admire the view" scenario happen.

He's still a dope dude nonetheless.

Just also turned off at men who don't ask much about me.... its boring.

We both don't do much, but that doesn't mean I wanna only hear about *his* side of quarantine... you know?

Yeah.

12:09am. Feeling pretty okay.

Eli messaged me today, too. I go to his house tomorrow to help him get ready in the morning again.

He still has a crush on me... oh dear. I feel bad, a teensy bit. When it was pre-pandemic, being able to seem interested in a guy for the sake of maybe some company for a walk around the city or handholding for a film was cool.

Plus, compensation.

It's not the same feeling as me being his medical assistant, in a way, and then him awkwardly asking if one night I could "stay over" and "cuddling works for me, too"....

Thaaaaat makes it clear that he has feelings for me.....

Not a good idea.

Yikes.

If his condition was less severe, his teeth were straight, and if he seemed a little more aware to his surroundings and himself... then, maybe. Or even just the last two, since I'd still probably be interested in someone who had a physical disability, as long as their mind was sound, and they still had an attractive face or other aspects.

But it just doesn't feel right.

Is the movie/book Flowers for Algernon relevant? Where the teacher for Algernon goes from being his teacher, to when the treatment to increase his intelligence and soundness of mind starts working, eventually becomes his girlfriend?

Eli's still a kind man. And more generous and thoughtful than plenty of men I had met.

I'll be his friend.

If the pandemic blows over, we can stay in touch. Truly.

I wonder how long this will last....

And I guess giving Patrick that letter did have a purpose. I had a nightmare, that he had passed away. I forget how I heard it in dream. I think Azalea, (the nice version in my dreams,) showed up, just dming me like "Hey, I know we weren't on good terms, but I figured you should know he passed away, seemed like you liked him".

And the dream was.... super depressing. I think I woke up crying. Which did eventually lead to me writing that letter, since I didn't want him to die, with him thinking I hated him, or whatnot.

And if the reverse ever happened, then same.

He knew I always complimented him so much, for the sake of if an incident happened, he would at least know I thought pretty well of him. (Like if one day I had a stroke or seizure due to a lack of diet, or got hit by a car, hit my head on the stairs wrong and simply never woke up, got into a coma, and whatnot...)

I'd much rather have people know I did genuinely appreciate them, while they're still around.

Since in case I ever pass away, it would matter that they knew.

Or if they died, I'd rather know Patrick is in like... (Catholic people have a heaven, right? He seems like a not piece of shit, at least in the extent of not being a vicious human being,) a good place, and not planning to haunt me in death.

Anyway.

Itll be alright.

I just should stay indoors and be extra vigilant these days. Thats all.

12:25am, peace out yalls.