#nothing caused it in particular i just. got depressed on that day and then my brain has been different since

[eggmeralda]

happy 10th anniversary to when I started remembering everything forever

[charmedreincarnation]

Hey guysss! A lot of people have been asking for me to make a challenge for a while now. I honestly didn’t want to, not because I’m against them or anything but because the law will be different for everyone. Sometimes, it feels like tumblr needs a reminder - you are the only person who knows what you need to do to succeed. I wish I could imprint this realization on everyone's minds. I’ve also gotten so manyyyy asks about things that genuinely just feel like your doubts repeating in your mind constantly so I’m gonna talk abt my beliefs bc y’all are spiraling really hard. I get it you want your desires for Christmas and new years. It’s okay take a breath, you're alive and will be okay.

Firstly: at the beginning I used to spend countless time spiraling into depression, constantly changing my methods every time I saw a new success story, and every time I found a new foolproof' tumblr method. Methods that were supposed to guarantee results in a day so when they didn’t I felt rlly useless. It was annoying, to say the least, and I don’t want to help others do the same thing, but really all I can do is reiterate what I always say and hope you apply it to everything!!

A lot of you guys wanted something that didn’t involve the void state, so that’s what this will revolve around! But feel free to make this void orientated if you desire, and I’ll also add a void section so all my babies can eat!

Ok so you’ve over consumed, you have dropped the void, and now have switched to just assuming and knowing that you would wake up with your dream life - embracing states. Great! At first, it will seem like you're doing nothing but you aren’t! For example, I knew I was dwelling in the state of wish fulfilled when I went to work without shedding tears, when I looked in the mirror and didn't think I was ugly because, well, I'm beautiful! I didn't care abt not performing well on a test because I could revise my past etc. this isn’t to say ignore the 3D: don’t do that, please try and make sure you’re safe and okay. But know life is malleable. Slowly, things that used to bother me—my parents, grades, anxiety, self-deprivation—started to fade away. Even though my dream life hadn't reflected in my 3D yet, I felt the switch. That's when I decided, I know what to do.

I also remember finding this cute website a long time ago that I want to share that summarizes it in such a great and simple way.

So Before I knew or understood what LOA was, I found this gem of an article on I am Love'- "How To Shift Into A State & Stay There". I think I have a post abt it somewhere on my blog but I’m too lazy to find it so here it is again.

Basically it explains that the essence of shifting into a desired state and staying there. What resonated with me was her choice to dwell in the state of knowing that her desires are hers, no matter what.

The way she used colloquial language made the content relatable and easy to understand. It's like having a conversation with a friend who's guiding you through hard concepts with “dumbed down” language because at the beginning states made 0 sense to me.

Posts like this really helped me particularly because when I discovered Neville, it required three attempts on my part to not only intellectually grasp his teachings, but also to truly comprehend him as a whole, given his non-contemporary speaking tbh.

I recommend it if you find yourself stuck or not really grasping the law yet (which is more than okay) but, if you're looking to understand the loa better or just learn more give this article a read.

There’s also a particular quote from Neville that really got me to dive into his work after finding this article and it was- “The being that you really are, descended to the weakness of the flesh, causing you to experience the state you are now in. Contemplate another state, and the same being who brought your present form into being will restore and make alive the other state, the state desired. This he will continue to do until his purpose is fulfilled. That purpose is to follow a certain pattern back into the unity of being. You see, in the beginning we were drafted. We did not volunteer to fall into these states. We were made subject into futility, not willingly but by the will of him who sent us. But when we return we will discover that we are the very being who subjected us. We are now the sons, destined to return as God the Father!”

Now that you understand and are ready to apply state, Here’s a routine I’ve created to hopefully help you guys! It is very simple and not time consuming at all.

Scripting and writing: I love writing and feeling like the author of my own story, literally bringing my creation to life. I would write when I felt like it. Whenever I wanted to dwell in my state, I would simply write, "I have my dream life." It's so simple, yet it embodies everything I need. If you’re more of a picture girl, use Pinterest instead. Or both if you prefer it doesn’t matter.

Edward arts' "I am creator meditation": Again, do this whenever you like it. It's one of the few meditations that didn't bore me to death and seemed to work with my ADHD. I also love reading, so I would read his pdf whenever I felt like it and take mental notes. Reading his work was a reminder I was doing everything right, it resonated with me very well.

During doubt and overstimulation: When things get overwhelming, close your eyes and let the emotions pass. They’re just thoughts! repeat the words "I am" until your heart returns to its normal rhythm. It's a simple yet powerful way to ground yourself amidst the whirlwind of emotions. And guess what? You can use this technique for doubt too! So the next time you're feeling overwhelmed, remember the power of "I am". It's a gentle reminder of your existence, your resilience, and your capability to be whatever you want despairs any emotional turmoil.

Thank god: (yourself!!) When reminded of your desires. Thank you god. When you see your desires, (eg:Pinterest, online or you’re just reminded) thank you god! When you see an image of your desires, thank you god! When you dream or think about your desires. Thank god! Always thank the person fulfilling it aka you ;)! If you’re religious just thank the god you actually follow.

Nightly reflections: At night, ask yourself , "What would I do if I woke up in my dream life right now?" repeat this question throughout the night. Then, imagine whatever scene you want. What would you do if you could not fail? What would you do if you had all the money in the world right now. What if you looked in the mirror and saw the most ethereal being and it’s just you? What about if you woke up in your dream house with your dream family and pets? This is inspired by one of the first shifting methods I created that helped me fulfill my imagination before I knew what that meant. When you’re ready to sleep just remind yourself it is done, and drift off into your desires.

As I've always said, I've been a great daydreamer. I knew exactly what I wanted my life to look and feel like. I envisioned my walk-in closet filled with luxurious outfits, waking up in my dream room on a soft mattress with my pets purring nearby. I saw the decor reflecting my personality in every corner of my large, and pretty room. I imagined walking into my bathroom, seeing all my cool Sephora products lined up for my skincare and shower routine. I love taking care of myself because I know I deserve it. I saw myself looking in the mirror, knowing I'm "that girl" who turns heads wherever she goes.I visualized going downstairs in my boujee dream house,and seeing my family stress-free, smiling, and eating well. I saw plans being made on my phone, my friends were excited to see and talk to me. I went to my kitchen, filled with expensive ingredients ready for me to cook meals for my loved ones - because I love cooking. I saw myself checking my bank account and seeing multiple seven figures in my savings, checking, and investment accounts and opportunities easily presenting myself to make more if I wanted. I saw myself running errands in my car, shopping, getting Starbucks, having expensive lunch with friends, and making a trip to Target. Despite the simplicity of the day, I would come home and be like, "Ugh, what a long day!"like that one khloe kardashian meme. What if all this happened today? Visualize and feel the scenes so clearly that it felt like it's already happening.. not just in your imagination.

Most importantly: Define the law for you! Stop parroting bloggers and intertwine your own beliefs with the law. The only principle of the law is that through persistence assumption will harden into a fact. Other than that anything goes except for facts that are wrong.

Here’s old notes I found in my phone lol just so you know what I mean by define the law for you: ignore the writing I was kinda dumb and new to the law 😭😭

Now this is for my void babies if you made it this far.

Read this post.

This is it copied bc the links are wonky sometimes

“My previous method is based on the persistent assumption, which a lot of people don’t know how to do right and it might take some time even for those who have the right self-concept and the mindset, so today I was in the process of manifesting this method.

And I was successful!

This method is for everyone. It’s the easiest Void method.

Do you know that you get into the Void state at night automatically? At that time the whole perceived world disappears for you. Every single perception and assumption you have disappears while your consciousness in the calm and natural Void state.

Use it to your advantage. Now that you know about the Void that you enter when you sleep, the perfect state to manifest anything that you wish to perceive, with no “resistance”, no illusions of annoying solid things around, you only need to remember your scripted starting point in your DR and practice watching it all coming out of the Void.

Practice that scene with your eyes closed, say to yourself:”That is what I perceive. Next time I’m in the Void, I’ll experience this”. You won’t even need to be fully aware of yourself that way when you get into the Void while you are asleep. Your subconscious would do all the work as it now would have the instruction and a clear image of you expecting it.

Personal experience: as I was receiving information on this method, I almost stepped into my DR! I wasn’t even in the absolute void state, I was only creating the scene for this method and I felt it materialise with my senses!

I have great feeling that it’s going to give fast results for others! Try it, teach your subconscious what it needs to bring forth while in the Void, let it do your work for you!”

Lastly, I’m gonna talk abt my beliefs real quick bc the fear of shifting vs manifesting makes me sad for y’all. I understand you don’t wanna leave behind the people you love and that’s not fear to feel ashamed of having! I personally hate the npc mindset a lot of have people have adopted. The only thing we know for sure is that assumptions create realities, and consciousness is the real reality. Everything else boils down to assumptions, except for principles. For example, shifting is not lucid dreaming, even if you assume it to be. That is the principle. I’m just going to copy what I told my mutal bc I’m lazy and need to finish Christmas stuff 😭😭 but Our imagination and the 4D realm are products of our consciousness, which is indeed real. Our view of reality is shaped by our consciousness, since we can't experience everything all at once.

Unless, of course, you shift into a super omnipotent god. Even then, you’d probably still struggle with the concept of infinity because, well, infinity is infinite. And it’s constantly a never exnding expansion. As humans, we're finite beings, and our understanding of the infinite is naturally limited. Because you can’t and won’t ever experience everything at once, infinity is always expanding. Our awareness can be thought of as fragments of consciousness; it's like being a drop of water in a massive ocean. Even though our perception is limited, the infinite is always there, always existing. We simply adjust our awareness to perceive this infinite reality.

And through our consciousness, we are able to tap into other realities or 'multiverses', which give us a broader understanding of existence. This exploration of consciousness and the multiverse is a significant part of my journey into the world of manifestation.

The law of consciousness explains why, when you "shift" or change your perspective, you don't physically move. It's all about altering your state of awareness. This is also why time doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. You can become aware of any time or day you want, as long as you choose to be aware of it. It's like having a mental time machine. This law is why infinite universes exist. As long as you can be aware of it, you can assume and embody the state of that person. Whether that's someone with a billion dollars on Earth, or a person who lives in the Attack on Titan world, it's all about your awareness.Our awareness is just a fragment of the larger consciousness – hence the idea of the multiverse. Each universe is a different fragment, a different state of awareness. And we have the power to “shift” into any of these states, therefore shifting into any of these universes.

I’m telling you this bc there’s no need to be afraid of manifesting or being in a reality with robotic versions of the people you love. Ariana grande and Marilyn Monroe for example talk about loa without acknowledging it and we see their success. Neville Goddard and his followers saw each other’s manifestions and I manifest for my friends and they mnaifest for me.

Take a deep breath and let go of the tik tok clone mindsets y’all have they don’t exist. You can manifest and assume anything you want in your imagination. Y’all literally want to manifest things like millions of dollars, revising deaths, living in new countries, having immorality in your waiting rooms, and never aging which is all possible of course. So be for real, why assume and know that you can achieve all that, but it won't manifest exactly how you want? I've also wondered about what happens to the "old version" of people when they manifest their dream life. As far as I'm concerned, they dont exist because you choose not to be aware of them.

I really want to talk about this too, as I've received similar questions and, oh my god, I thought I was alone. I've always been a bit delusional and lived in my head, but when I became conscious of the law, did anyone else feel a sense of self-embarrassment? I don't know what that was, but I'd genuinely feel my soul wanting to throw up envisioning my desires that aren't mine, even though I've always been a daydreamer. It's kind of like when you feel you can't have them or it's strange to envision yourself with something you can't have, so you just purge yourself. 😭

I was thinking back to why that happened and laughing at myself because we need to be serious right now. Why are you getting sick by your own mind? Imagine if Van Gogh, anytime he pulled out a canvas and held a brush, was jump-scared by the brush. Picture him holding out the brush and just staring at the canvas crying because "well, the painting is going to suck 😐," "I don't know what to paint☹️☹️," "I already know it won't be like what I envision in my head 😡😡." Like, bro, the canvas is blank, just fucking paint. That’s why I really like his quote that's like...

“If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” So If you’re scared of failing, if you’re scared of your desires, or scared of how it will come to fruition, for that reason alone is more so to and manifest it anyways.

But happy holidays guys! make some tea, scroll through Pinterest, read a good book and watch some Christmas films and remember if you can imagine/think your desires you can embody them bc where are you getting it from??

Here are some helpful documents I have read plus a cute vid I saw on insta reels : (let me know if the links are being weird)

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[herofics]

One and Only, Always

A/N: I’m not having the best time right now and I wanted to vent so here’s some comfort with Geto. I’m in uni currently and it’s causing me a lot of stress right now, also depression spiral and shit like that basically

“What do I keep doing wrong?” you muttered as you laid on the floor of the bedroom.

You didn’t understand. Everyone else could do it. All your other classmates could go to school, work and take care of their family at the same time. You couldn’t even manage school, and to take care of yourself at the same time. Geto being so busy all the time was kind of a relief, honestly. You were so tired all the time, and managing the relationship was hard, so it was easier when he wasn’t there. You hated that you felt this way. You loved him so much, but being around him, around anyone really, was just extremely tiring.

“What are you doing down there, love?” Geto asked from the doorway.

You hadn’t even heard him come in.

“Thinking… I guess” you answered reluctantly.

“What about?” he asked as he sat down on the floor at the end of the bed.

“Nothing in particular, I’m tired so it’s kinda hard to keep my thoughts in order, so I’m not really sure either” you sighed.

You crawled to Geto and rested your head on his thigh. He was wearing sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt. You were so used to seeing him in his monk robes that it was a bit odd to see him looking so casual.

“Why are you home so early anyway? I thought you had meetings the whole day?”

“I wrapped them up quickly, besides it’s not really early, it’s seven in the evening” he chuckled.

“Oh… I knew that”

“What’s going on with you? You’ve been a bit distant as of late” Geto noted.

You sighed, he never missed anything. He didn’t always say something right away, he sometimes observed the situation for days, weeks even, before saying anything.

You pushed yourself up to a sitting position and sat next to him. Geto wrapped his arm around you and caressed your shoulder with the tips of his fingers.

“I don’t know, honestly. I don’t have any good reason to be depressed again. Like fuck, I’ve been in uni for a year, and I’m already on the verge of burning out. I don’t understand what I keep doing wrong, because there has to be something.” you said.

“Oh love” Geto sighed sympathetically.

“I can’t just be this-this broken piece of shit! I can’t just be this useless!” you exclaimed in frustration, banging your head against the end of the bed.

Geto placed his hand between your head and the end of the bed, so you wouldn’t hurt yourself.

“You’re gonna hurt yourself, stop” he said kindly but sternly as he forced you to lean your head against his shoulder.

“I don’t know what-what to-to do Suguru. I don’t want to be here if I can’t be useful to someone” you started sobbing.

Geto pulled you into his lap and you buried your face into his chest. You didn’t mean to break down like this. You didn’t want to be a burden.

“You’re not useless love, you’re not. You saved me back when we were in Jujutsu High, if it wasn’t for you, I probably wouldn’t be here right now. You’re my rock, and my light, the love of my life” Geto said as he peppered kisses on top of your head and embraced you tightly.

He hated seeing you like this and maybe even more than that, he hated that he wasn’t sure how to help. Geto let you cry it out. He held you until your tears ran out and you got your bearings again.

“I’m just so tired of this, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be able to do things like everyone else can, and not just be left behind every fucking time. If I can’t even do that, then what’s the point?” you said quietly, fiddling with his shirt.

“Honestly, that’s something you’re going to have to discover for yourself. I don’t think any of us get a straight answer anyway, we all have to find our own meaning” he said, looking at you softly.

You met his eyes, those beautiful amber eyes that always looked at you with such love. You searched his expression for any signs of dishonesty, but you never found any, not now, not ever before. His honesty towards you was one of the big reasons you loved him.

“I can tell you this though, you’re a big part of my meaning. I don’t know what I would do without you, I feel like my life would be lacking if you weren’t here” he smiled.

“I love you Suguru, I think the only reason I’ve been able to keep going for this long is because of you” you said and placed your hand on his cheek.

“I don’t think I deserve the credit for that. You’re the one that’s kept fighting and pushing through all the obstacles” he said, moving your hand that was on his cheek so he could kiss your palm.

“But you’re my reason for fighting, you’re a part of my meaning too” you smiled tiredly.

Geto pressed his forehead against yours and whispered: “You’re my one and only, and I love you, don’t ever forget that” before kissing you softly on the lips.

His one and only, always.

[effieotto]

What’s your headcanon about Haymitch and Effie after the rebellion?

Post-Canon Hayffie is just my favorite subjected of all time, so here we go with my favorite headcanons for my favorite silly ones

-Effie started using drugs after the war (real strong drugs, like cocaine and stuff) as a way to cope with her strong suicidal thoughts, and that’s how Haymitch found her two years after he left to Twelve with Katniss, because Plutarch called him for help

-As a consequence of her torture, Effie had injuries that caused permanent damage in her left shoulder, messing with her motor coordination, which made her unable to style her hair by herself. So Haymitch asked Katniss to teach him how to braid her, so he could make her complicated hairdos for her instead

-Effie and Katniss relationship was really hard at the begging, because Effie wasn’t in a great stage of mind to keep her bubbly old self, so between her PTSD, nightmares and withdrawals, combined with Katniss’s grief and severe depression, they were extremely hostile with each other (it is actually a very complex analysis of their relationship, so i’ll let the explanation to another post). So Haymitch and Peeta had to meddle the situation together to not let it get out of control, like they screaming at each others face, blaming them for their own miserable stages

-Haymitch was a huge gossipy man, although he strongly denied that. Therefore, every night, when Effie get home from downtown, they would set in front of the fire with two cups of tea and share every detail about the dirtiest scandal they could find

-Peeta and Effie got together to cultivate a community garden for the few people living on Twelve, where they planted fruits, vegetables and medicinal herbs, not only to help the District to get back to their feet but also to distract their minds

-Every time Haymitch had a bad nightmare, Effie would set his head down on her lap, pet his hair and sing the song his mother used to sing to him when he was a kid (the one she learnt from Grease Sae because she asked her help to learn more about Twelve’s culture, cause she wanted to do it right)

-When she had progressed on her condition, Effie was getting crazy staying at home doing nothing, so she decided to start teaching the young ladies from Twelve all the things she had learned from home (like music, etiquette, sewing, communication etc) -latter she joined an small school to continue her journey-

-Their relationship never changed from what it was before ~They continued with the teasing and fighting like they were still who they were back then, mostly. However, with all the baggage they both now had, they needed to adapt to a new routine. So there was bad days when Haymitch would drink himself to oblivious remembering his dead friends, and Effie would stay completely catatonic over a particular bad flashback. When it happened, the other would give them enough space while doing small things to try and get the other back from their depression

-Effie was obsessed with local festivals and she would drag Haymitch with her every month when Twelve made a big carnival, so they could eat, dance and help Peeta with his pastries stands. At first people who were living in Twelve wasn’t very friendly with her during it, but when she started going earlier to help them build the stands and make their schedules more consistent with all her escort knowledge, they warmed up a little bit -although most of the friends she made came from different Districts, mostly nine, eleven and six. The Twelve original citizens (apart from Grease Sae) never really got to friendly terms with her, for obvious reasons

again, i have many more, but since it was already a lot, maybe i’ll do another one later (if you want)

[the-tmnt-ficfinder]

What are some of your personal favorite fics? Whether they're on the list already or no!

Oh gosh, I've read a lot of really wonderful fanfics!! For me personally, my favorite fanfics are always the ones that have elicited a strong response out of myself. I'll go ahead and list a few that I've really enjoyed! Note, they aren't in any particular order of favoritism. I like them all!! If they're already in my list, the link supplied is the one leading to the appraised version listed on my Fanfic List Masterpost! If its not in my list, then I simply supplied the direct link to the fic on Ao3 ^^ I hope you give some of these a try!! I wholeheartedly recommend them all!!

When I Was Younger by @sketchiefoxie & @inkypawprint (Rottmnt Fanfic) Summary: It’s a month after the invasion, and the Mad Dogs believe they’ve left the worst behind themselves. Though their whole world is shook when none other than their future selves, not Casey’s future versions, but themselves come back to the past. Something big is coming; something involving the Krang and the Foot clan, and it isn’t good.

The Lemonade Leak by @turtleinsoup (Rottmnt Fanfic) Summary: "Leo can not sleep, because there is a thing in Donnie's lab, pretending to be his twin. Or: It turns out that being created as a biological super soldier comes with a few... modifications. Some of those, more dangerous than others."

firefight by @remedyturtles (Rottmnt Fanfic) Summary: Donnie collided with Leo in a tangle of limbs. There was an instinctive cling in return from his twin, before the realization sunk in. "No." Leo breathed in his ear, immediately shattered. "No, no, no, no, no!” Every muscle in Donnie's body was shaking like an earthquake from the amount of effort he'd just expended. The explosion caught up to them, sending the twins spiralling away into space and debris. For one singular moment, Donnie allowed himself a burst of victory. His heart was still thudding a thousand miles an hour in his chest, having been absolutely terrified he wasn't going to make it in time. But he did. And he held onto Leo, his prize. Then they hit the ground, the sudden tumble bursting them apart. Donnie felt the world spin, rapid and disorientating, before he slammed into something rock and cracking under his impact. or: donnie doesn’t let leo go to hell alone

My Life, Their Story by @azucar-skull (Rottmnt Fanfic) (You'll) Get Through It (MLTS Part 1) Summary: After saving the world from the Kraang, (Leo included), Mikey suffers from severe nerve damage in his arms. This disability takes over his entire life, causing a lot of chaos. Right Now Is Real (MLTS Part 2) Summary: Raph grew up with nightmare disorder, something that he was born with that gradually got worse over time due to PTSD, especially after the Kraang incident. This leads to Raph becoming a danger to himself and others as everyone tries to help him seek out help. The Show Must Go On (MLTS Part 3) Summary: Leo deals with severe depression and PTSD after the events of the movie as he strives to be a better brother. Freak Of Nature (MLTS Part 4) Summary: After Donnie thought he lost everything, he ended up losing even more. Including his mind. Or; Donnie has a gun--

Down With The Stockholm by @devotedtosadpoetry (Rottmnt Fanfic) Summary: Leonardo is captured and experimented on until he is turned exactly into what they want him to be. Some things cannot be undone. Meanwhile, mutants and yokai are in hiding, fearful of this powerful entity.

Revelations Timeline AU by @idk-im-just-here-now (Rottmnt Fanfic) Song of a Sunny Day (fading into dusk) Part 1 Summary: It's been a month after the Kraang invasion. The lair has been filled with nothing but the sounds of a heart monitor and quiet. It's too quiet for Mikey, so he goes on a solo run of the city. He finds a violin case on the ground and decides to take it home. After all, what could go wrong with learning an instrument? As it turns out, quite a lot. Memories of a Tyrant (locked in a prison) Part 2 Summary: After the events of the Kraang invasion, Donnie has thrown himself fully back into his work. This time though, he has a new companion, who keeps reminding him of events too close to be called the past and slithering through his head... The Ghosts That Wander (and the monsters who follow) Part 3 Summary: Being in a coma is not fun, but somehow, neither is not being in a coma. As Leo finally comes to after the invasion, things around the Lair look very different - and not in any kind of way that Leo likes. The Call Of A Parasite (hunting the hivemind) Part 4 Summary: Its been one week since the invasion, and everything is still in a near critical state. Overwhelmed by it all, and the fear of becoming a monster once more, Raph takes to the ruined streets of New York But barely a week has passed, meaning open ground is still crawling with the remnants of the Kraang. And Raph begins to learn.

Adagio in Green: Panacea by @boxfullaturtles (Rottmnt Fanfic) Summary: They stopped the apocalypse, but it's left them in bad shape. Leo's shell is in pieces. Mikey won't wake up. Donnie can hardly move. Raph's barely holding himself together. They're going to need all the help they can get to survive in the wake of the invasion. It’s a good thing they’re not alone. --------- A post-movie story about processing grief and trauma, and how the road to recovery isn't always a straight line.

So, I guess... we all have issues by SpectrumWriting on Ao3 (TMNT 2012 Fanfic) Summary: Mikey wasn't insane. He knew he wasn't. He really did have three brothers and a father, no matter what his paperwork said. Also, none of his family was human, and neither was he. That was the truth about him, no matter what anyone else thought. (Sticking by that truth got him thrown into an asylum. What a surprise.) **Winner of FIRST PLACE in the Universal TMNT Mature Fanfic Competition 2016 for MOST COMPELLING AU, and winner of SECOND PLACE for MOST SPOT ON PORTRAYAL OF MICHELANGELO.**

Thank you for the ask!! I really enjoyed answering this one, and I hope you enjoy some of the fics I listed!! Any of them that aren't in my list, will be added eventually. Have a wonderful day! ^^

[caffeinefafnir]

TL;dr: how a simple hobby keeps me from collapsing (bc we really don't pay enough attention to mental health as a society)

So earlier this year I was writting a fanfic and that's been like, the only anchor to sanity I've had for a long while. I started out on a whim one night and spewed out around 10 pages in one night. I've started at 11pm and stayed up till 5am writting. It's been such a fucking nasty year (bc all the shit started last November actually) where I've been struggling with family issues, health issues, being unemployed and struggling financially, and then the feeling of being left behind when my partner got a job and I didn't, and a lage etc. Suddenly in May I got posessed by this supernatural impulse to write a fanfic after what felt like a lifetime (around 13 years). Days turned into months, one draft became 5 separate stories abt the same characters, I discovered what whump was thus rediscovering something I was really adept to without even realizing it, followed closely several challenges althougth never pressured myself to participate (bc deadlines and I don't get along) and on top of that I started a completely new story of a genre I had never dreamt of exploring before.

Around June I was writting a super emotional scene of my side fanfic. My fave character had attempted suicide and failed, and it was a super heavy scene where she talked about this with a friend in the most nonchalant way (at first) and he was completely shocked and devastated. I was writting this at a cafe, my favorite one, and had to make a real effort to keep a straigth face while typing out bc I tend to act out the feelings as I describe them and my eyes were getting all red and wattery. But everything was fine and I got the full scene toghether. And... I felt so incredibly lighter and happier after that.

I've been trying to find an explanation for it since then. I've been battling depression since a long time now, 10 years, but I hadn't felt suicidal since a long long time ago. But I know too damn well the feeling of the symptoms of depression going away, and BOY what I felt was like a MIRACLE! The floating sensation? Just knowing everything is going to be better? Damn I missed that. I had felt it before a few times in prior years when something significantly good happened, when I went regularly to therapy, etc.

The weirdest part is that things weren't even particularly bad at that point, and even when they were the absollute worst around February I hadn't seriously thought about suicide not even once. It was more like homicidal rage at that point haha, but nothing about harming myself. I keep thinking about it ever since, how optimistic I was for the next month or so before my mood got worse due to environmental reasons. And I still went to that part over and over again to correct, add details and overall finishing the rest of the fic but this proved to be a difficult feat since I never could get myself into the same mood again.

And I'm like... what?? Why did this particular scene caused that blissful effect on me? I've never ever been in that exact situation, surely I fantasized about it (we all do at some point) and I know I'm far from cured of the depression for I still feel some of the indicators of its presence, but the change in me since I wrote those pages was explosive and intoxicating. Maybe I was channeling everything through my blorbo in ways I didn't knew I could, maybe it's just the fact that she got listened at without judging or being accused of faking it/being a failure/blowing it out of proportion, maybe bc she was feeling as lonely and unseen as I currently feel to the point you can disappear for days and nobody would notice (or at least that's what you tell to yourself)

I'm worried that if I tell all this to my therapist she'll institutionalize me haha. For real. I dunno what they normally do in these cases lol. Also I don't want to tell her yet that I write fanficiton since I´m not ready to explain an Xgen-er what is it and why my generation hype so much abt it

[dailymolars]

I was Deadpool at a Halloween party today and I had a lot of fun and got to hang out with friends I haven't seen in a bit but I forgot to take my anxiety meds (I fear they may also be treating depression but that I dont have time or energy to figure that out. I'm on antidepressants anyway so like what's the point) on Friday and there's like a (roughly) 2 day delay so they stopped working like immediately after and I'm currently having like the absolute WORRSSTTT post hangout comedown and am also afraid of nothing in particular. like why does it feel like I'm being hunted for sport and like no one likes me dude I JUST came from a party where I had a great time why am I overthinking again I moved past this!!!! ugh I hate the forgetfulness of ADHD cause it fucks me over like this all the time I have delt great for AGES cause I was taking my meds and now my absolute dumbassery has caused me to be all sad and like very worried for no reason. alas. I will sleep it off

[fyodoro]

mkay so hurt comfort request...what if rui/mizuki end up meeting the reader on the rooftop (by coincidence) only to find they're there for the exact same reason, to avoid bullying/teasing

“𝐈𝐟 𝐘𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐧 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐏𝐚𝐭𝐡..”

A chance rooftop encounter and..?

Featuring Rui Kamishiro & Mizuki Akiyama

Hi anon, ask and you shall receive. Tried to keep the hurt and comfort well balanced here, so I hope you like. also this was supposed to be a lot longer but tumblr crashed and I lost my old draft…

Cw) themes of depression, brief suicide mention, brief transphobia in Mizuki’s part, cursing, isolation

Rui Kamishiro

Rui had a routine, one that was rarely broken. Even if he hated it, he’d always return to that loop of nothing. He chose the rooftop as ‘his spot’ specifically ‘cause it was rare for anyone else to visit it, a perfect escape from the cruel ridicules form his peers.

On this particular day, he realized someone was also on the rooftop. Though no where near him, rather, the whole other side. He didn’t bother speaking to you, not knowing what your intentions were or why you were even there. But at the same time, it sparked Rui’s curiosity.

Over the course of the next week, he noticed you were still there. It wasn’t a temporary thing? As selfish as Rui felt, he felt like his space was being invaded, despite it being a public area. But usually it was only him in this public area, like it was his. Ignoring all the screams of “don’t do it” ringing in his head, he decided to go up to you. Whether you wanted to talk or not was on you.

“Purple hair with a blue streak… unkempt appearance… are you, by any chance, Kamishiro Rui..?”

‘Unkempt appearance’ and a hair description felt a bit better than ‘weirdo guy,’ but could they ever just refer to him as his name?

“Yeah, that’s me. I’ve never really seen you around before, what’s your name?”

“(Full name), and you probably haven’t seen me around ‘cause I used to hideout in the bathroom… but I got found there, and it didn’t feel safe anymore, so I came up here. I heard this is the freak spot of the school, you and some other kid are who they talk about most when they bring it up.”

‘Some other kid’ rang in his ears, that’s Mizuki. He wanted to bring them up and how they haven’t been coming to school recently, but he refrained. He could tell you later, it didn’t feel appropriate talking about someone else with the current topic.

“I came to the rooftop one day to meet a friend, but it became a habit even if they aren’t on the rooftop on days. What do you mean hiding in the bathroom? And it didn’t feel safe anymore? If you’re okay with telling me… that is.”

You hesitated for a moment. Could you really tell a guy you just met about your whole bullying situation? But he also didn’t seem to know you, or even of you. It’s not like he’d get the idea. But the words couldn’t help but escape your mouth anyways.

“I get bullied a lot, y’know, the usual “Hider in the bathroom” story. Um… yeah, this school year hasn’t been the best… or the last few for that matter..”

Rui’s eyes focused on your face, your eyes held a solemn look as you spoke, as if there’s a deeper story you don’t wish to tell. He respected that, of course. This whole ‘first encounter’ is already deep enough.

“I can see where you’re coming from, I’m sure you already heard of me. I’m the weird guy who has sick and twisted ideas that are always harming people, as they say. I don’t think I’ve physically harmed anyone..”

His face scrunched up into a thinking look, making you chuckle softly. The rest of the lunch period went by without another word spoken. The silence was quiet, but a comfortable one nonetheless. When the bell rang, Rui didn’t bid a farewell, instead he only nodded his head and smiled, not giving you much time to return it.

The next few weeks went by as normal, boring and empty. But at least Rui had a new friend, someone to look forward too seeing. It felt a little less lonely on that rooftop now that it wasn’t just him and an occasional Mizuki. Although, if he did have one complaint, it’s that you didn’t talk a lot. Which he could understand, but in the back of his mind it felt like it was your way of saying “leave me alone.”

Which made him realize, he never got your number, or any other way to contact you outside of school. And Rui was far too anxious to talk to you in the halls or classes, worried about bringing unwanted attention to himself that could give more material for newer rumors. If you weren’t initiating more communication, did that mean something?

He tried not to think about it, he really did. But what if you were just as weirded out by him as everyone else? And you were only using him for company too feel less alone? What if…

“Hey, (Name), are we… friends?”

His question caught you off guard, it was so.. random. Not only was it the first thing he’s said to you all day, but you thought it was clear you guys were somewhat close enough to consider each other friends. Did he not see it?

“Of course we are Rui. I’m sorry if this comes off weird, but you’re honestly my only friend..”

Your only friend? He didn’t know whether to feel bad or honored, maybe both? Your response reassured him, visibly relaxing a tad bit more into your presence.

“We graduate soon, don’t we? What school are you planning to attend?”

He almost forgot you were in the same grade as him, and that graduation was slowly creeping up on you two. He never really thought about the future that much, not even knowing if he’d make it or not. Where did he wanna go next..

“I’m not sure, I think my mom is enrolling me in some random school around here, I don’t know which one though. What about you?”

“Kamiyama, I think. My parents were pushing me towards the girl’s academy, so they could have enrolled me without letting me know.”

He knew he wasn’t going to Kamiyama, the name didn’t ring a bell nor did he think of it. So this was most likely the last school year you’d see each other, isn’t it? For some reason, Rui felt genuine sadness. Not an “oh this is the last time we’ll see each other in school” feeling, but an “oh…” feeling. He didn’t know you nearly as long as Mizuki, but something about your rooftop meetings meant more than they should have to Rui. He got too accustomed.

That was one of the last times you two talked before graduating. There was never a number exchange, only a “nice knowing you.” The farewell was bittersweet, but it is what it is, you thought.

The first year at Kamiyama went by faster than you’d have liked. There was a weird classmate you had that you acquainted yourself with. He was… loud, but friendly. Having someone like that as your friend made it easier to get to know others. After all, this was a fresh start. There were more students at Kamiyama than your junior high, potential friends were everywhere. It was a sweet reassurance in your mind.

The break before second year was a lot less lonely than the previous year, but there was still something missing. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but there was something you yearned for that wasn’t there. It felt selfish, after so long you aren’t being ridiculed, and you’re still looking for more than that.

You didn’t like thinking about junior high, it was too painful to relive. But you knew it had something to do with it, but what? You start your second year at Kamiyama tomorrow, maybe you could pin point it there.

The new first years were… interesting. Individually they were all okay, but if you group them, it’s certainly a unique group. But one of their names sounded familiar, so maybe it would be worth your while talking to them. This year was looking good so far, really good. But…

“(Name), I knew you looked familiar. You’ve grown a lot, how have you been?”

That voice was one you knew all too well. Slowly turning around, you easily identified the owner of the voice. Rui

His hair is shorter, and he doesn’t look unkempt at all compared to when you last saw him. His eyes aren’t lacking the light they lacked before, and he’s tall.

“Rui? You said you weren’t going to be at Kamiyama, what are you doing here?”

“Well.. there was an incident at my last school, and they had to transfer me. Apparently explosive aren’t okay to use on school property!”

“You didn’t think that before!?”

The two of you broke out into laughter, genuine laughter. Not the awkward laughs or chuckles you’d give on the rooftop. It was only now you realized how depressed both of you were back then, not even capable of giving real emotion back to each other.

“So why did you choose Kamiyama? Did you miss me?” You were joking, kinda. You do wish he missed you though.

“Ah, well that and I know a couple others attending here. My one childhood friend and another friend from junior high, I believe I mentioned them too you before. Their names are Nene Kusanagi & Mizuki Akiyama.”

So that was the familiar name, Akiyama. It was better to introduce yourself now then later after so long of knowing of them.

“I’m sure we have a lot to catch up on, what do you say we go out to eat after classes?”

The way Rui spoke softly and with a smile made you understand that empty feeling you had before. You were missing Rui. He was the missing puzzle piece.

“Yeah, I’d like that a lot.”

Mizuki Akiyama

You’re not sure if meeting Mizuki was the best or worst thing to ever happen to you. You always tried to steer clear of others, avoid any cruel remarks at all costs. Lunchtime was the worst time of day if you couldn’t run away. For a while, you just endured being bullied during the free period, slowly starting to not care about food getting thrown at you or being humiliated in front of everyone.

At some point, you heard of a ‘freak who can’t comprehend identity’ hid on the rooftop ‘like a pussy’ to avoid humiliation. These words spiked your interest, were they seriously just bullying people to the point of hiding outdoors? And not ashamed of themselves?

Your mind wandered to this ‘freak.’ What made them consider them a freak? You knew from experience they couldn’t be too bad, just looking at the situation they put you in. If they’re hiding in the rooftop all the time, then maybe…

Slowly, you made your way up the stairwell, all the way to the top. The rooftop. With hesitation, you opened the door, met with the cool breeze from outside. It felt a lot less stuffy up here, and wondered why people didn’t come up here usually, it’s a nice view and comfortable. I’m getting off track you thought.

Your eyes scanned for this mysterious kid, not exactly knowing what you should be looking for. Did they have long hair or short hair? Sweater or no sweater? But judging by the way your peers said it, there should only be one person up here. And you think you just found them.

“What do you want.. here to tell me what I am and what I can’t be?”

They spoke first, annoyance clearly lingering in their voice. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea…

“I um, heard about you.. the kids that were bullying me said you hide up here a lot, and I just wanted to, yknow, meet you? I guess..”

“Meet me?”

Mizuki never knew people thought they were someone worth wanting to meet. But at the same time, their guard was still up. What if they sent you so they can keep getting picked on? Of course those guys would stoop that low.

“Yeah, I know I shouldn’t jump to conclusions like this, but it seemed like you were in a similar situation? With being ridiculed and bullied. We don’t have to be friends or anything, just… acquainted.”

Acquaintances, friends, companions, so many different words to describe someone who keeps you from being alone. Is there really any difference in the end? Mizuki was full of reluctance, but their heart told them to ‘go for it, meet someone new.’

“You can sit here, I don’t have lunch though, so if you don’t and you’re hungry, you’re out of luck.”

“Actually I do have something, yakisoba. Do you wanna split it?”

Splitting yakisoba wasn’t anything Mizuki hasn’t heard of, but it’s not something they’ve ever seen people do in front of them, let alone be the one apart of splitting it. It was certainly new. But, today they’re already on a roll with trying new things.

“Sure…”

You pulled out the container holding the yakisoba, keeping it warm and fresh throughout the time it was in your bag. Opening the lid made the strong scent hit yours and Mizuki’s nose almost immediately, it smelt good. Really good in fact it reminded Mizuki how they should have ate something today by now.

“Doesn’t it smell good? I made it myself. But I haven’t tried it yet, so I don’t know if the flavor is as good as it’s scent..”

“Well that makes me your food critic doesn’t it? Lemme get the first bite.”

They moved closer holding their utensil over the container, careful not to get anything on their uniform. Taking a medium portion into their mouth, the flavor exploded on their tongue. This was really good.

“You did such a good job! This tastes amazing… um..”

Your name, they were going to say your name, if they knew it. Your face twisted with concern, was the aftertaste terrible?

“Is there something wrong? Sorry if I messed something up…”

“No no! You didn’t mess anything up, I just don’t know your name. If.. you don’t mind sharing it?”

Right, you guys never properly introduced yourselves. This was a slightly random meeting, but you could have sworn you introduced yourself.

“I’m (Full Name), sorry I didn’t tell you sooner…”

“It’s all good, I’m Mizuki Akiyama, you can just call me Mizuki. Although I would have thought you heard my name around cause of how much everyone talks about me.”

Their name suited them, a lot. It was a pretty name for a pretty person. Only now are you able to get a better look at their face. You averted your eyes before Mizuki could catch you staring.

“Uh, well then, Mizuki. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

[fantasies-fairytales-n-fics]

Code Blue Ch. 54 - Graveyard Stories

Summary: Shorter chapter packed with angst and truths.

*Chapter Warnings* Angst, language, mentions of rape

Chapter characters: Gerry, Lee, Josie

Stories Stories Stories Masterlist

Salem, Massachusetts

March 22, 2022

Heading to the hospital to see his dad and Luke, Gerry shook his head as he anxiously drove, constantly glancing at the golden wedding band through tear glazed eyes that threatened his circulation as he replayed the magical kiss over and over in his mind. The kiss that he stole from you only moments earlier that you allowed him to take. The kiss he could still taste that held the lingering remnants of your cherry chap stick. The kiss that you eventually pulled away from and adamantly told him it could never happen again as you ran back to Lee and left him standing there.

The memories of his life with you wouldn't leave him alone, especially now. He knew you felt something when your lips were joined with his. He felt it in the way your body responded to him. The way it used to respond to him. He could see it all as if it were only yesterday. Running hand in hand through the backyard of the guest house, holding each other as you both watched the sunset over the water. He heard the I love you's and felt the tender kisses. He smelled the breakfast he cooked the morning after as you came up from behind and wrapped your arms around his waist.

You may have felt some kind of compassion for Megan because of what happened to her but Gerry wasn't feeling it at all and if he got his way, she would be put behind bars for drugging him. One way or another, he was going to nail her for something. Her present karma wasn't good enough for what she took away from him.

Lost in his own memories, Lee slouched on a bench by his dad's headstone, mumbling the lyrics to a sad slow song he had softly playing on his cell as his eyes burnt from the tears he held back. Depression was eating at his very soul.

"I just think about my baby. I'm so full of love I can barely eat. There's nothin sweeter than my baby. I'll never want once from the cherry tree cause my baby's sweet as can be. She gives me toothaches just from kissin me."

A single tear strayed from his eye as he continued, his voice now choking up. "When my time comes around, lay me gently in the cold dark earth. No grave can hold my body down. I'll crawl home to her."

Lee never listened to music much before he met you. He had usually been the suffer in silence type but now, the silence was too loud and he craved the sappy sounds. He would even seek them out, for every song he heard spoke your name somehow, someway and he would rather feel the pain of you than nothing at all. This ballad in particular painfully resonated with him. Through all of his fuck ups, all of his highs and lows, you were always there, loving him unconditionally with no judgment on his terrible choices and fixing him while he broke you.

He now struggled with the words that similarly described the day you found him. "When my baby found me, I was three days on a drunken sin. I woke with her walls around me, nothing in her room but an empty crib and I was burnin up a fever, didn't care much how long I lived, but I swear I dreamed her. She never asked me once about the wrong I did....."

Soft sobs puffed through his paused, parted lips as Lee gazed upon the 2 carat diamond ring while shifting it about between his fingers. It still managed to sparkle under the sunless sky and it reminded him of you, for you were the only thing that shined in the darkness around him.

For just a little over 5 grand, he chose a highly renowned jeweler in Boston to have the the magical masterpiece tailor-made just for you after he had gained your mother's blessing to take you by his side. It had to be just right. It had to be special because you were the only one to ever make him want the family life for no other reason than love and what made the silver symbol even more unique was the single word inscribed inside the band. Forever.

Before heading to the cemetery, Lee had had made the 30 minute drive to Boston to pick it up which he had planned to do days ago when the jeweler had called him...the call that you walked in on and asked about after his morning run and he had told you it was just spammers. He felt a little fib was worth keeping the momentous surprise a surprise. What he didn't expect though was that you would later believe the call to be some conspiracy involving Elizabeth's attack, but how could he blame you for that after all he had kept from you and even still was keeping from you? He figured if he had the ring in his possession and stared at it long enough, it would give him the push he needed to spill his guts and it was doing the trick. Lee planned to tell you everything when you arrived. What he feared though, was what he had feared all along. That when you learned the truth, would you even want him anymore?

Leaning forward, elbows on his knees, Lee closed his eyes and sighed as he rested his chin on his hands, letting the ring softly graze his bottom lip. It was almost 6 o'clock. It had been 2 hours since your text that told him you would come.

"I don't think she's coming dad." Lee whispered to the granite headstone that now held both of his parent's names. "But I cannot blame her. Now that you're gone, your mind is whole again and you remember what happened. You finally know the truth. I can only imagine what you must think of me now. If you were here, would you still call me a good son?"

Another tear slid down his cheek as Lee remembered the last time he saw his dad. He had brought him the locomotive to Jacob's train set as a gift for his birthday and for some reason, it sparked something in his memory impaired father. He became lucid. The most he had ever been during his residency in assisted living and those times were always far and few between. Lee had never went along with his dad's delusions of the past which was something he knew he shouldn't have done. He would bluntly tell his father that that his wife and grandson were dead. His guilt was unbearable, so Lee told himself he would never lie to his father again. But that day, just that once, Lee decided to play along and let his father believe they were coming for his party. Once his dad saw the engine though, he knew they weren't coming. He knew they were dead, but he only remembered the reason Lee told him his wife died. It was what everyone was told. A heart attack. That day was when his dad understood what Lee had been trying to do and that was when he told Lee he was a good son. Later that night, his father passed away in his sleep and knowing what Lee knew now, with all he himself had seen, they WERE coming for the party, to take him home on the train.

Your voice then sounded from behind him. "Of course he would Lee."

Lee's hand snapped closed over the ring and as he clumsily stood up to face you, he discreetly slipped it into his pocket.

"You...you're here." he gasped with excitement.

Wanting to run into the arms that desperately wished you would, you refrained, forcing yourself not to touch him or it would all be over for you. You were only strong enough to resist him at a distance. "I could say the same thing to you. I figured you would have left by now since I'm 2 hours late. I'm so sorry Lee."

His eyes begged for you to hold him as he reached his hand out to you. "I told you I would wait for you and I always will. No matter how long it takes. Please Jo. I miss you so much."

"I...I think it's best if I just stay right here."

Lee slowly lowered his hand and his smile that held the little last bit of hope he had, fell. "Oh..uh ok. I...I understand."

"Lee...I know how hard today is for you but...are you...ok? I mean, you...you look like hell and you're jittery."

He softly chuckled and nervously rubbed the ungroomed stubble on his face. "Oh, that. Long night, lack of sleep. Probably too many Red Bulls, life of a doctor, missing you, you know. So...did you listen to my voicemail or read my texts?"

"Yeah, I did. Your words were beautiful and moving Lee. They always are, but they're not going to make the elephant in the room disappear. It can't be ignored anymore. It's now or never Lee."

"Alright." he sighed and picked up two roses from the bench that he brought for his mom and dad and placed them on the fresh mound of dirt that had only slightly settled.

Lee then sat down and gazed up at you, waiting for you to sit. Your nerves had your stomach in knots as you sat beside him on the small bench, careful not to touch him, but that didn't even matter because his scent of Drakkar was just as torturous and it was all you could breathe in with being that close to him. He then blew out a hard breath and attempted to begin.

"Where to start Lee, where to start?" Lee anxiously mumbled to himself as he kept his eyes from yours. "Ok, well as you probably have figured out already, I worked with Luke for the WSB. Back then, what he did intrigued me. He said it helped him tremendously with his pent up anger, taking out the bad guys and all and so he got me in, trained me and he was right. It helped me too, dealing with all the shit I went through with Ethan and Liz and not being happy in my medical career. At the time, I really felt I was meant to do it. It felt right, it felt good and I was damn good at it too, but that was until...."

Lee paused and closed his eyes, holding his breath. You could see the emotional pain consume his face and this time, you couldn't help yourself. You slid your hand over his and squeezed, frightened he would have another panic attack.

"Hey, it's alright. You're...alright. Take your time and just breathe."

He let the breath go and allowed his teary eyes to meet yours as he smiled and squeezed your hand back. "You are my air Jo. But I know I need to breathe on my own and face my demons. Right now, it's Satan himself in the form of guilt, regret and shame because.....it's me Jo...I'm responsible for my mo...."

Your phone rang and it was your mom's ringtone so you had to answer it in case something happened with Megan. "So sorry Lee, it's my mom, which I need to tell you something too."

"Yeah baby, of course, answer it."

"Ma, what is it?"

"Joey, what on earth is this about Gerry and Megan??? He just came here all fired up, shouting at her about you and that other detective had to force him to leave before security came. I thought he was going to strangle her!! Is this why you left so upset?? What did Megan tell you?? Jo, I demand to know what is going on right now!!!!"

"Oh god, I...I knew Gerry was upset but I..I never thought he would...never mind. Mom, I'm sorry but...you'll have to ask Megan about it because now is not a good time and quite frankly, she deserved his wrath. I have to go and I'll call you later to check in."

"What?? Not a good time...Joey don't you hang up on..."

You tapped the end call button and heavily sighed while Lee turned his entire body to face you and rubbed your shoulder. "Jo, sweetheart, what happened? I could hear your mom shouting?"

"Ugh!" you huffed. "Megan is what happened. Lee, she was brutally and sexually attacked and left for dead and Dave found her. She's in the hospital and seems to have some memory loss about it all, but I just know it had to be Ethan retaliating because she told Luke she thinks he took Blaise."

"Jesus! Ok...well, what does Gerry have to do with that? I mean, why is he so angry with her?"

"Yeah that." you gulped as your chest tightened. "I have a confession of sorts myself. I was late because I went to find Gerry. Megan decided she was going to have a guilty conscience over her near death experience and she told me that she and Gerry...they never slept together. She....she drugged him and set it all up out of her jealousy over me."

Lee's slouched posture slowly stiffened right up as both his eyes and mouth gaped at you in shock. "O..oh...I...see...." he softly stuttered. "So um, you went straight to tell him. Aside from his anger about it all, I'm sure he was over the moon knowing he is innocent and probably even thinks he has a shot at getting you back. Am I right? What do you feel about it...him.. now?"

"I...I told him it doesn't change how I feel and that I'm not going back to him. It all still happened and I believed it to be true for so long and I told him, reminded him actually that I...I love you."

"So I was right. He did instantly think he could get you back."

"Well...yes. That's why I told him all that and...." you sighed. "Lee, I don't keep things from you and I'm not going to start now. Gerry....kissed me."

Lee's eyes fell from yours. He was just as stunned as you were that you told him, but he was more so hurt. "And..." he whispered with a slight quiver. "Did you kiss him back?"

"I.....Lee...it just happened so fast. He grabbed me out of nowhere and.."

"Jo, that's not what I asked you. A simple yes or no is all that's needed."

"Then it would be both yes and no. I was caught off guard and I didn't react right away. It was a few seconds and then I swear to you Lee, I pushed him away and told him he could never do that again and I left."

Lee's equanimity held an eeriness you'd never felt before. "Oh, well then I guess it's inconsequential and we can all forget about it and move on."

He stood up, placed his hands in his pockets and turned his back to you, then switched up the conversation to something else you dreaded telling him. "So obviously, you finally found Dave and...you said he found Megan. How did that all come about?"

"Can't we talk about that some other time and go back to before we were interrupted? I'll shut my phone off and..."

"No." he snapped, still facing away from you. "I want to talk about it now."

Now you stood up. "Well that's convenient for you huh?"

Lee side eyed you. "I'm not deflecting if that's what you're getting at. I said I'd tell you and I will but it seems to me...." he paused and then faced you, speaking with a cold and sarcastic tone. "that a lot has happened in the past 48 hours that we have been apart and all the while, you ignored me so I'd like to be brought up to speed on what my girlfriend has been doing. Is that so fucking wrong of me?"

"N..no." you softly stammered. "You...you're right. It's just that...the thing with David...it's a sensitive matter to you and.."

"Well now it can't be any more sensitive than another man's lips on my girlfriend, so just spit it out Jo."

"You won't see it that way when I tell you, so...ok then. Dave can see the dead and like you, he saw Jacob and he called me. He said Jacob came to him and told him about Megan and that's how he ended up finding her. She was trapped in the tunnels of Train Town of all places and Jacob told him that Liz was attacked there as well. He was going to go there and look and I didn't think he should because whomever attacked them could have still been around, but he still went and then the call between us dropped while he was there searching and I panicked because Dave didn't answer after that, so I ended up calling Landy to go out there with me and..."

You paused when Lee's eyes began to flit from your blinding words and then he became unsteady on his feet. Gasping, you quickly latched onto him and guided him to the bench.

"I've got you, sit down and breathe. Lee, I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you all this right now. Now do you see why? You're dealing with too much already."

His lips parted and his brows furrowed as he intensely peered down into your eyes. "So..I'm not crazy? I...I really did see my son?"

You stroked his hair and gently wiped the corner of his leaking eye. "I have never thought you were crazy Lee. I always believed you about Jacob. Yes...you really saw him. Lee, he's clearly trying to help in some way and maybe even warn us about something bad that's going to happen because after witnessing rust water very similar to blood come out of Dave's shower and then later in my shower and out of Gerry's sink a few hours ago, I feel it's a sign, possibly from Jacob and I'm scared Lee. I keep thinking of my dream with Liz and Ethan and when Jacob appeared and stood next to you and you and then there was a loud noise and you were bleeding and he said Daddy was going to ride the train too and..."

It was as if Lee had not heard a word you said. "Dave's shower? Why would you be there?"

One terrible habit you always had was not thinking before you spoke when you were upset or nervous, especially if you weren't prepared and you were definitely NOT prepared to tell him all of this because today was just supposed to be about his story. You should have never told him you were there because now you had to explain something you knew Lee would not understand. Once again, you were quite anxious and just began rambling.

"Megan was admitted yesterday evening and I stayed at the hospital with mom for awhile and then it got late and Landy insisted I go home and rest and he would watch over mom. I didn't want to leave but then Dave talked me into going to his place instead of me going back to my apartment alone. I really didn't want to be alone either or deal with Craig, who by the way, was super pissed at me about Blaise just as I knew he would be and he wanted me to move out, which he later changed his mind and we made up and so... I hadn't seen Dave in awhile so I just thought I'd hang out with him like we used to do...just as friends. We watched a movie, I had some drinks and I went to bed in his guest room. That was it. The next day, he was in the shower and I heard him yell and that's when he told me about the rust and then freaking Luke showed up to harass Dave with questions about Megan because Dave hadn't answered his calls and then I got into an argument with Luke over you and I lost my temper and shoved him and then almost got arrested. Jerk even put cuffs on me but then later, he changed his mind and let me go and yeah...so that's pretty much everything that's happened."

Lee seemed spaced out after your info dump, as he just gazed at you blankly and you knew it was because he was trying to process everything you just unloaded on him, which was just way too much. What you didn't know, even as well as you knew Lee, was what would happen next because lately, Lee had become unpredictable, a wild card per se, with his behavior and to add fuel to the fire that was now burning inside of him, your phone beeped which you forgot to shut off.

Lee's eyes swooped down like a hawk at the screen before you could even react. "Who's Jeffrey?"

You could have sworn you just swallowed your own heart as it leaped up in your throat. There was no way you were going to tell him the gory details of all that, at least not now, so you improvised and began with a truthful, but paraphrased version. "He umm...he works for Craig, gardening and...stuff."

His eyes flowed back up to yours in such a slow pace that it raised the hairs on the back of your neck. "Gardener huh? You have your landlord's gardener's number AND...he's texting you. Hmmph. Well...go ahead....read it."

You were certain Lee noticed the small tremors of your hand as you picked up your phone and opened the message, staring at it. "Well don't leave me in suspense here baby. What does your landlord's gardener have to tell you?"

You stuttered in a squeaky voice as you read it. "Hey darlin. I got time to fix that busted tail light tomorrow morning and then it's happy huntin with Lucille for those little piggies. Shoot me a text and let me know if you'll be cumming."

As usual, Jeffrey had to play dirty with his words, so It was definitely better that you read the text to Lee than if he would have read it himself, but the text alone was just enough to set off a silent bomb inside of Lee.

"Well he sure is a handyman ain't he? Wonder if Lucille thinks so too. Is...that his...girlfriend?" Lee probed so you would tell him more.

"Lee, just let me explain."

His sarcastic grin was intimidating. "Explain away.....darlin."

"Lee, stop it. Look, after Luke dropped me off at my apartment, I began packing some of my stuff. I was going to go stay with mom for awhile to help her with Megan when she came home, plus whoever did this to Megan is still out there, which again, I feel is Ethan but Megan, for some reason, feels it wasn't him. Anyways, those asshole hillbillies from the bar that chased me, Luke and Landy, drove by when I was putting my stuff in my car. Of course, they stopped when they saw my car and hassled me. Jeffrey was outside and intervened to help and so did Craig when he saw what was happening. They're the ones who busted my light and Jeff and Craig handled the situation. That's all. Jeff wanted me to have his number in case more of them bothered me again."

Lee stared at you for a moment, then stood back up and slowly scuffled about before swirling back around to face you.

"So let me see if I've got this shit show straight. You were supposed to meet me here so I could finally clear the air about my past, which I had every intention of doing, but you ran straight to Gerry and his lips instead and left me worried and waiting because his feelings and your past with him were much more important than my feelings and my past that you have been constantly on my ass about revealing because the situation with Gerry couldn't wait to be discussed at a later time. And then there's Dr. Dave who also came before me and that you were willing to put yourself in possible danger for and who's house you spent the night in, drinking and watching movies like you would normally do with your me, your boyfriend, all because you missed him and didn't want to be alone, yet I was right there, working at the hospital when you were there and you knew that and you could have came to me instead and then, enter Landy, my best fucking friend whom you also turned to for help instead of me. Then we go onto Craig the landlord of a mafia ring and men's cologne and comforting arms whom you've also been so worried about, yet he kept from you the fact that your brother was still alive. How easily you let him out of the doghouse and forgave him for such a secret, but not me and then there's the so called gardener that you've known for merely a hot minute and he's got your number, texting you, offering to fix your car and offing people who fuck with you, because let's face it darlin, he's no gardener and let us not forget good old Lukey who you got to go joy riding with once again and all the while that you were doing all of this, I was alone and worried sick that I was losing you on top of everything else I was dealing with and I needed you, but you needed and chose them and all their chaos instead because apparently, mine is just too much for you, or maybe I'm just too much for you."

You sat motionless with tears now streaming down your face, unable to blink or break the locked stare with Lee's ruthless eyes as you growled through a shaky voice. "You know why I didn't come to you."

"Oh, that's right. Because you don't trust me anymore and it's quite clear you don't need me anymore either. All over MY past that's actually none of your damn business."

"How is it not my business??? Your past involved Peter or should I say Sam and he was part of my past too and you knew that and kept your involvement with him to yourself! He's still alive, even if in prison, and still a threat to me AND to you. You don't even know the half of what he did to me! and Gerry said he's causing a commotion about wanting to talk to me. Maybe I should have went to see him because we both know he's dying to tell me what YOU should have told me a long time ago."

"Then go Jo. Go fucking see him. Let him spin his side of things because he's such a truthful guy."

"How about you just finish telling me already. I'd rather hear it from you. Not him, not Luke. YOU. Just tell me Lee. What happened?"

Lee rubbed his entire palm over his face as he groaned, then let it slap down onto his hip and shook his head. "God, I can't take this anymore. It's never enough for you is it? Fine Jo, you win. Here it is in a fucking nutshell and that's the best you're going to get from me because I'm done with this and if it's not good enough for you, well then that's just too damn bad baby. My mother and my father are in those graves right there because of me. My father never had Alzheimer's and my mother didn't die from a heart attack. They were shot in the head, in front of me, by Peter's insane terrorist brother Charles Rane. My dad survived. My mother didn't. It was covered up by the WSB and it was all because of Luke's fucked up operation to take the Rane of terror down. It was then that I went and blew Rane sky high. Peter was never even there or involved so technically, he had nothing to do with it or me. So there ya go Jo. You finally got it out of me. Do you feel better now that I had to relive all of it and speak of something I never speak of or am even permitted to do because of a little thing called classified?? No one knows except obviously Luke and of course your brother and now you. Gordon don't even fucking know and Peter and his daddy Faison only knew so much at the time because Rane was eliminated less than 2 hours after it all happened, but they obviously later found out enough to come after me that night at the hospital when Gerry took Faison out. The end."

"Lee...I...my god...I...I'm so sor..."

His face was expressionless, numb if you were to be exact just as his tone. "Don't. You didn't care for the past 2 days when I needed you. I'm not enough for you. You don't trust me but I...I trusted you. You finally got what you wanted. My truth and now you get to live with it just as I do. I'm done. We're done. Goodbye. Fuck forever."

@redeemer46

[yelenasdiary]

I hate that I am making this post but I am simply making it for the others to be aware of this particular person.

Below the cut there are mentions of suicide, nothing explicit but just a heads up x

Please know I am not making this to humiliate this person or cause them any harm, this is simply for others to be aware and to be able to lookout for themselves!

I’m not 100% confident on their name but they have used Alice before, but again, can’t confirm if this is actually their name. But I can confirm that the person I’m talking about has in fact done the same thing to another person & I can only imagine there are others.

This person gets a kick out of seeking help from others. They will tell you how sad and depressed they are, they will send you detailed messages on how they want to hurt themselves or how they have currently hurt themselves then suddenly stop replying, leaving you to worry and hope they are okay.

They’ll return a day or so later and apologise over and over how it wasn’t fair for them to put that on you and within minutes the conversation will shift and return to how depressed they are etc.

I started talking to this person around late March, I noticed rather quickly how odd I thought it was that they would message me around the same time every night. Thursday & Friday nights around 9-10pm, sometimes on a Saturday. They would then deactivate their blog out of nowhere or without a word and come back a week later acting like a different person but the story and detailed messages were the same.

Eventually they deactivated once again and I didn’t hear from them for a few months then 2-3 months ago I received an anonymous ask stating they were going to take their life and so on. I could tell this was the same person from the detailed information in the ask and decided to ignore it and reply to another ask of theirs asking them to kindly leave me alone. I blocked them and the next day I received asks saying that I had killed a girl.

“She reached out to you and you ignored her” etc etc. Of course I didn’t believe this at all so I blocked and deleted the asks. This person has shown me before how quickly they can become angry if things don’t go their way. They got upset with me once because I didn’t agree with them on their opinions on the police force and how they handle at risk people.

Then last week on Tuesday night, after I finished work I saw I had a spam or asks on my side blog (sokoviansecret) saying they hated me and what not, at first I didn’t think it was the same person and just another troll but the more asks I read after replying to 2 of them I knew it was them.

I told them that I wasn’t buying into their behaviour and to call a helpline if they seriously need help. On Wednesday night I came home from work to a spam of 20+ asks from 6:30pm to 7:45pm saying how a “Sydney girl was found dead by family” and that messages between me and then had “leaked” and that it was my fault that they “took” their life.

This is the second time this person has done this to me. So I again, told them I wasn’t stupid and I knew that they were not dead that they need to stop using this as a way to gain attention. I also mentioned that if they didn’t leave me alone for good I would take things further. I blocked them once again and I didn’t hear anything until the other night when somebody reached out to me with a screenshot of an ask another blog received.

“Yelenasdiary killed a girl

She had an OD she’s dead”

This is where I gave up. This person is now trying to tell people I am responsible for the death of somebody who isn’t even dead. Unfortunately I am not the only person this has happened too. I’ve had another person reach to me and tell me their experience and they confirmed the one of the blogs they were contacted from is the same blog I was contacted from.

The blog is now deactivated but if you ever spoke to a blog under the names: introvertedmoths, wandamaximoffspuppup or hellhoundskiss please know that everything they said was nothing but a lie. These are the 3 blogs that I currently know of and unfortunately I don’t know what their current blog is.

This person lies and abuses your trust. I never ever want anybody to feel the pain and suffering I do so of course I wanted to help and be somebody they could count on to be there for them but when I noticed it was all for their benefit, for the attention, I had to stop. They’re made because I stopped, because I don’t believe a single word they say.

If this person sounds familiar to you or you think you’ve experienced this person, please don’t let their behaviour have any effect on you! They are a sick individual person who needs help, help we can no provide.

Please be safe and look after yourself & others.

I’m sorry again to make such a long post but it seems tumblr won’t do anything and I refuse to let this person make me out to be a cruel individual.

[thestrangestthing89]

Mike character analysis - Season 2

This is a continuation of my in-depth Mike character analysis. The first season can be found here, here, and here. I am basing this off the theory that Mike started realizing his feelings for Will were different than Lucas and Dustin by the end of season 1. By season 2 I think Mike realizes that he's gay and in love with Will. His behavior honestly makes no sense to me otherwise. This is in 5 Parts.

When season 2 picks up, it has been almost a full year since the end of season 1. We learn 2 key points right away - that Will has been having flashbacks to the upside-down since he got back and goes to the doctor regularly. This seems to frequently interrupt his school days and causes Mike in particular to worry. And the second point is that Mike has undergone some serious behavioral changes. This is understandable considering the trauma the group went through in season 1, but it's important to note here that the trauma isn't over. They are still going through it. And it's because of my first point - Will is back but still not ok. There is no resolution or time to grieve and it's one of the main reasons for the change in Mike.

Mike is getting in trouble at school a lot, his grades aren't good, and he has an attitude problem. A thing his parents are losing their patience with. His punishment is to get rid of his toys and when he suggests they have too much emotional value, he gets mocked by Ted who says they are just toys. Mike not only has to get over his feelings about what happened but he isn't allowed to be attached to things. Something that stands in stark contrast to Karen's behavior toward an 18 year old Nancy in season 4, when she tells her she can keep her stuffed animals. Nancy is allowed to be emotionally attached. Mike isn't. He is being sent a clear message. His emotions are an inconvenience to others. And the reason for this brings me to my next point.

Mike is shown to talk to El on the radio regularly. He's counting days and seems to just be talking about random things i.e. telling her about his day. Now he doesn't know that she's listening. As much as he says he believes she's alive there is no proof he actually believes this. He does absolutely nothing to go look for her. And he has no reason to. He saw her "die". There is no indication that this isn't true. And the most important note that I think I will make in this whole analysis is this - This behavior isn't cute or romantic. It's grief. And we know this for A FACT because we have seen this exact same scene before - with Hopper in season 1. Hopper calls his ex-wife repeatedly. He is often shown popping pills and drinking excessively. He isn't coping with the death of his daughter well. It lead to his divorce. His ex-wife moved on, re-married and had another kid. And Hopper is stuck by himself with his grief. So he calls her sometimes. Just to check in and he tries to reminisce. It's his way of holding on to his daughter and their life together. And no one, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, interprets Hoppers behavior as cute and romantic. He is clearly struggling and depressed. And the fact that he's an adult here combined with the fact that we know he has substance abuse issues is enough to help the audience realize that Hopper isn't ok. He's not trying to get back together with his ex-wife. He's trying to keep the connection to his daughter alive. EVERYONE WATCHING UNDERSTANDS THIS.

So then WHY is it that when we see this same scene play out with Mike, it's suddenly just adorable. Because of the only thing that is different - Mike is a little boy. Between his parents and the GA, Mikes feelings are once again oversimplified and dismissed. He's a little boy of course he must be in love with El because why else would he call her? He's a teen of course he has an attitude. This way of thinking is seriously problematic and it's a large part of the reason why Mike isn't coping well - because no one notices or understands his pain, and certainly no one is helping him go through it. It is emphasized by the Wheeler parents that Mike needs to just get over his attitude. They've been patient long enough. And while he's at it, he needs to get rid of his toys - parts of his childhood - because it's time to grow up now (the phrase "man up" is heavily implied in these conversations). Because the Wheeler parents have this attitude, the GA does too. We've seen this EXACT THING before, too. Lucas and Dustin suggest in season 1 that Mike has feelings for El, so he must even though there is no indication from his behavior that he does. Mike has a bad attitude, well his parents say it's time to get over it so he must. He calls El all the time - must be because he's in love with her. Couldn't be grief. Doesn't matter that we saw Hopper do it, doesn't matter that we know this is normal behavior for grieving people. People often talk to or write letters to the dead. It can be a coping mechanism, but it can also be unhealthy if the person can't let that go and this is exactly what we see Mike doing.

It's a way to over-simplify Mike's feeling and it's entirely because it makes people uncomfortable. So if the GA (and his parents) don't want to see his grief, it's easy to dismiss it as just a little teen angst. It's easy to dismiss it as him having a crush on El - because why else would he be talking to a girl. I know I say this a lot but it's because it's important. People can't understand why anyone talks to someone of the opposite sex if it's not because of romantic interest and it carries over into their interpretations of Mike and El's relationship. They can't understand why he would be talking to her and the reason he does is this - he feels guilty that she "died" helping him find his friend. This is less palatable than a simple crush. Grief is complex and ugly so we need to hide it away.

It's so much easier to dismiss his feelings as the most simplistic answer, but this not only is the reason why Mike is struggling to process his emotions, it's extremely insulting because it implies that he doesn't have any complex feelings to think about. And people dismiss it because he's a boy. They don't dismiss Hopper - he's an adult and is entitled to his grief. They don't dismiss Nancy's attachment to her stuffed animals - it's cute that she wants to keep them. It's Mike specifically who isn't allowed his feelings. Which is why I will never accept or respect the point of view that Mike loves El because he called her a lot. Because Mike's well-being and what he wants and needs isn't being taken into consideration at all. This is a theme that continues through the rest of the series with every character and the audience - except for Will. Part 2 here.

[57sfinest]

The ask you got about Jean and the anons mother (“your Jean post has me thinking about my mother in particular.”) reminded me of my father and how I interpreted Jeans actions.

My dad was emotionally abusive and distant because he was depressed from when I was 10 to present.

He developed his depression at age 20. Mine came in full force at age 9. I was also dealing with debilitating anxiety and a learning disability. When I was 12 I also started abusing drugs to cope with him.

My father mistreated my mother and I because of his depression. I grew up wishing he would divorce my mum or die already so we’d stop having to deal with him. I thought he was so selfish for not leaving or changing and for making it everyone else’s problem. I didn’t give a fuck that he needed help, especially cause he wouldn’t accept any. He wouldn’t even admit he had a problem.

So you’re me, age 12. You’re on speed, you haven’t slept in a days and haven’t eaten in a little under a week. Then this fucking guy is here, treating you like shit, treating your mum like shit, and he doesn’t even realise what a dick he is or what he’s doing to y’all cause he’s so caught up in his own head. You fucking hate this guy! You’re dealing with the same issues as him and more. You’ve tried to kill yourself! He’s not done that but he’s the subject of everyone’s concern because he’s loud and horrible about his issues. And you’re 12 and slowly falling into invisibility next to this cunt.

So now you’re still me, now age 20, and your dad is acting less horrible. You don’t trust him as far as you can throw him, but it’s slow progress so maybe you will.

But if I was in jeans position? Fuck no! I wouldn’t trust him! Yeah of course you realised you were awful to us then you conveniently lost your memory right after, that makes sense. You totally aren’t shirking responsibility just like you always have.

Then he seems like he’s being honest? I’d be so mad! You had to suffer for years and he just forgets it all like it was nothing? Fuck no! He can go fuck himself.

So yeah Jean is a dick. But I kinda get it. When people with issues (whatever they may be) don’t even realise they’re being shitty, or if they do they don’t admit it, it’s really easy to hate them, and there’s not a lot of reason to try and have sympathy for them, especially when you’ve spent a long time thinking of them as selfish for the way their issues manifest.

yeah and that's the thing, we can try to understand the cause of a character's behavior and even sympathize with it without necessarily condoning it, you know? i can definitely see where jean's behavior towards harry comes from, but that doesn't make it okay for him to be outright ableist and hypocritical, AND during a public confrontation to boot. jean was being shitty in a lot of ways in the ending and he topped it off with humiliation.

but i'm glad we have enough perspective on jean to understand where he's coming from when he acts this way. it turns him from a 2D caricature that just exists for us to hate to a real developed character who belongs in the setting and who has a distinguished, meaningful(ly bad) relationship with harry. and part of that is being able to look at him and go "yeah he's a complete asshole and the way he's acting isn't acceptable... but i do kinda get it"

[blackthorn-legion-irl]

age regresses you (respond whenever you want. i saw a free mess with someone with magic anons and i took it)

[...and you're sure it'll be alright? i know you and whatshisname know what you're doing but---]

[I hope. You can see the cracks getting deeper every day. She's overextending herself, she needs a reinforced foundation.]

[okay. and will she know any of us? 'cause if not she might run off---]

[Though the age and memories will be... fuzzy, indistinct - she will remember you from school at the very least.]

[that's. not as positive as i expected---i'll trust you on this one. just. ceasefire on the pranks, okay?]

[Agreed. ... Maybe I should never have given her access to that world.......]

---

//picrew link: https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/2058617

uh.

hey i guess? simon said this network was safe to use so uh---

they say don't reveal your real name on the internet but i don't have a real name. i'm just me. i guess call me holly. that's what everyone else calls me. it's not me but i'm used to it so.

i was running away and it hurt and i tripped over and hit my head on something and now i'm here. dude from school says i got a concussion or something. i guess 'dude from school' is sorta rude given he's one of the only ones who was actually nice to me. he's. taller than i remember but that's probably the concussion....... he keeps calling me blackthorn though. sounds like some edgy hacker name. or, well, the city in johto but i'm not a city

there's a lot of people in this house. it's scary. at least the house pokemon are nice even if the beldum won't leave me alone

//ooc under cut

so yeah we knew this was coming eventually. thanks anon for being patient :)

this is a prelude to something that happens to coincide with 100 followers (??? how) so i'm calling it an event for that even though the actual goal is to help me brain through something :v

despite the technical deadname, she's still she/her. she just hasn't chucked gender out of the window yet, it still sucks though in terms of medical conditions, all she's acutely aware of is autism/anxiety/depression, not that she'll admit to any of them.

the time period is very hazy and may be inconsistent because she repressed the majority of this time. she also thinks she's in and native to pokeworld (specifically some version of galar), due to the games being one of the only things keeping her going during this time. the 'concussion' will make her see demons as pokemon if needed.

pelipper mail etc is on, though magic anons are a lot more limited. in particular simon has negotiated immunity for the duration :v if i can't deal with something i'll filter it out, but otherwise same as anyone else

these posts will be tagged with 'holly kidthorn' if i remember.

(guess who simon is talking to and win absolutely nothing :D)

[thevividgreenmoss]

I was 16 during the mavericks one title run in 2011 and since that monkey got off my back thankfully when watching this sport the overwhelming draw for me is just like I want to see good games like I root for the dance between teammates and between teams to culminate in great basketball and past that I have a contingent interest in seeing certain players and certain squads do well but it's not really tied to the fate of a particular franchise like sometimes i have a matchup dependent rooting interest but nothing consistent for or against any individual team (except fuck the warriors). Like this abysmal first half of game 1 I'm kinda bummed cause I want Luka to stop having his ceiling limited by what until this season had been a consistently depressing lineup around him but also I love seeing Mark Cuban and Jason Kidd eat shit and I loveeeeee seeing James Harden cook whether it's against my supposed home team or anyone else at the end of the day it's about the joy of seeing hoopers hoop #ballislife

[withlittletrust]

an ode to "Daily Dose of Sunshine"

trigger warning: mentions of suicide, depression, other mental health illnesses and spoilers to “Daily Dose of Sunshine”.

some time ago, i told myself that i wanted to finally share some highlights from last year. why now - almost a quarter of the way through the new year - you may ask. well, no reason in particular. i’ve wanted to do it for a while; i just haven’t gotten around to taking some time to sit down and organize my thoughts until recently. i figured, what better time than now?

the first highlight i’d like to share is probably something unexpected. it is not a place, it is not a moment in time, but it is a piece of art that i discovered sometime last year. shortly after my last birthday, i went on a trip with my beloved sister to strasbourg. she was feeling a bit unwell at that time, so instead of exploring the city until late, we decided it was best to return to the hotel and get some rest.

i turned on netflix because i had nothing else to do, and there it was: a new korean drama, titled “Daily Dose of Sunshine”.

having seen the trailers in passing before, this work was something that i had been looking forward to — albeit not in an overly excited kind of way. in my defense, how was i supposed to know it’s a heartwarming story, when the director made the trailer into some kind of m. night shyamalan situation?

well, i’ve never been more glad to be proven wrong.

this is something i would like to recommend to anyone interested in gaining insight into mental health issues and/or illnesses. it is suitable both as a first point of contact with these topics, and as a deeper, more insightful and eye-opening experience for those already somewhat familiar with them.

this story begins by introducing us to our main protagonist, nurse jung da-eun. she had just transferred from internal medicine, and we got to experience the station through her eyes. ones, that were somewhat unfamiliar with mental illnesses, that is.

now, as a medical student who did a 1,5-month internship in psychiatry, i already somewhat knew what to expect. nurse da-eun, however, understandably felt like she was thrown into cold water. from her first patient who slapped her before proceeding to (while running around naked) urinate in the corridor, causing nurse da-eun to fall and get soaked in (what i presume must have been still lukewarm) smelly kind of human secrete, all the way to being accused of theft and terrorized by a patient dealing with her own trauma, nurse da-eun was overwhelmed.

but all of that did not last too long, because the next moment we see her, she had already found her footing. it wasn’t all too difficult, because she was, at her core, a nurse who loved her job so much and cared deeply about her patients.

maybe, if i’d believed it were a thing, i would have said that she cared a bit too deeply. :-(

it all came crashing down when one of her patients committed suicide. it was a patient whom she had built a great rapport, who was discharged on her (through extensions) recommendations — adding to the guilt she felt. the cherry on top was the fact that this guy called her and asked her to meet up directly before he committed the act — a final request she was unable to fulfil.

depression hit hard.

at first, nurse da-eun tried to bury herself in her work. then, it was days of sleeping and nothing else. ultimately, she was forcefully committed to a psych ward after attempting to run into active traffic, because the pain she felt was so great, she couldn’t feel anything else.

in the psych ward, the first thing she felt was overwhelming anger. toward her mother, the doctor, other nurses, everyone. she was in complete denial - no, she was not depressed. no, other nurses shouldn’t treat her like a patient - she was also a nurse! a psychiatric nurse, goddamnit!

the resolution came slowly, not rushed. not in a, suddenly, everything’s good again, kind of way. not that now she’s happy again, problem solved, kind of way. she had to learn to slowly and painstakingly love herself, to see herself in a kinder way. she made the decision to choose happiness and was willing to put in the work every day, every step of the way.

—

now, WHO estimates that globally 1 out of every 4 people will be impacted by mental illness at some point in their lives. 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. if you’re lucky enough to have made it through life unscathed so far — well good for you, but there is absolutely no guarantee that it will not happen to you or people closest to you in the future.

i think it’s important to recognize that being healthy is a privilege. while mental illnesses might not be as visible as physical illnesses, they are, as the name suggests, illnesses. just as you need to see a doctor when you get a cold, mental illnesses are medical conditions that often require treatment. the least we can do to help people that are affected is to destigmatize mental illness and promote access to mental healthcare. it is our responsibility as a society to recognize that everyone deserves the opportunity to attain and maintain good health, and it is our responsibility as fellow human beings to fight against the inequalities and disparities associated with having mental illnesses.

obviously, it can sound overwhelming at first. and no one person should bear these burdens alone. i guess what i hope you can takeaway from all of these are the simple things: educate, listen, validate, encourage treatment, and provide emotional support. be decent human beings. call me naïve, but i feel like the world could be a better place if we all followed these principles. <3.

alexa, play imagine by the beatles. :-)

—

bonus part: the juicy stuff

this work also features what is probably my favorite love story of all time. the other half of the pair is made up by one mr. dong go-yoon, a colorectal surgeon who fell for nurse da-eun. he was sweet to her while being a dependable, emotionally stable figure throughout the series. he always seemed to know exactly what to do and what to say, to support her just to be her.

now i have to admit, i initially thought he was somewhat of a weirdo. he received consultation for his ocd, because he couldn’t stop cracking his fingers so much, they became callous. he also seemed kind of like a stalker when regularly hid and waited for her at bus stops. but the later we got into the story, the more admirable and adorable i found him to be.

dr. dong go-yoon was the reason nurse da-eun got the help that she needed.

i mean, i’d like to believe that it probably would’ve happened nonetheless, sooner or later. but he was the actual reason she made a successful recovery. i feel he was a kind person, truly. he always seemed to know how to help, but not in an overbearing kind of way. he always gave her space. he let her figure things out at her own pace.

he also has a love rival in one song yu-chan, but instead of overstepping his boundaries with the childhood best friend of his crush, he deals with it like an (awesome!) adult. he even manages to be a big brother figure for the latter. he has such a kind heart and such wisdom, it leads his brain to be able to reach places i couldn’t even fathom existed.

to conclude, this guy really had the perfect response at all times. he could understand she was still hurting, he didn’t preach even though he probably knew better. he got a black eye getting into a fight with demonstrators who wanted nurse da-eun to be fired for having been admitted into a psych ward. he went out of his way and gets up early to take her on morning walks, because some days, she still stood on the border between depression and hope. but to her, he was someone who visits her before depression ever does (even though he might fall asleep during breakfast time).

it was so heartwarming to see nurse da-eun found someone like him to rely on.

—

tonight, i wish for everyone find love and companionship as solid as what they had. calm and unbothered, with roots so strong, the storms never stood a chance.

—

feel free to strike up a conversation with me regarding this topic! i’m always interested in broadening my knowledge and listening to stories from other people!

[itsjustastory]

Hazel

January 2018

It's strange, I don't know what to write. I practically begged for this pen and paper and now look, I have nothing. What is there to say? I don't know where I am, or how long I've been here. But I know exactly why I'm here.

I'm here to die.

I'm chained in some rancid basement, sitting on a cement floor, waiting to be killed by a man I didn't know. He told me his "name" who he was after a few days, he said he's the Cleaner. Someone people call when they need something cleaned up, like it never happened. Like it never existed.

I keep replaying my last day of freedom over and over, trying to see if there was anything different I could've done to avoid...this. But the truth is, it wasn't anything I did on that particular day. I'm just unlucky. Always have been.

My bad luck caused me to leave work later than normal one night, my bad luck placed me on the sidewalk right as Dario Bonetti was performing an execution on a rat, my bad luck let him see my face illuminated in a beam of light from a streetlamp. My god damn bad luck. So, he called the Cleaner. For me.

I just wish I knew what was taking so long. Why won't he just do it? It's been days, possibly weeks. My daughter probably thinks I'm dead, my mom too. And I can't help but to wonder...if they'll ever know how long I sat and agonized over them before I finally did die. I've been looking for that special connection people say parents have. The one that tells you if they're ok or not, alive still. But maybe it's not for me to feel because I'm the one missing, cuz I don't feel anything. I think and think so hard about Melody, I remember her smell, the way she puffed out her little lips when she was a baby, her first day of school, but no matter how hard I think, I can't feel her.

The things I can still feel, well, I dunno. I accepted a long time ago that my wires were crossed. I wasn't normal, not as a kid and not now as an adult.

I got the Cleaner to talk a little the other day. He seemed...almost normal. I have stitches on my head from trying to escape. It was a stupid attempt, and it failed, obviously. Well anyway, when he brought me breakfast that morning, he checked my head. I tried not to laugh at the absurdity of it, and he asked me what I found funny.

"You. This. Why do you care about my head?"

He didn't seem to have an answer right away. He was crouched down in front of me, he withdrew his hands and for a moment he just stared at me. He didn't look so scary then. Down at my level, even with his grey eyes appearing black in the dim lighting, he looked human.

"I'm a lot of things, but negligent isn't one of them."

That was all he said about it. The few times he did speak that was how it went. Short, to the point. But I dunno...it was different that time. The way he looked at me. It felt like there was something there It made me think maybe I wasn't going to die.

But that's stupid. Of course I'm going to. He was hired by the Bonetti's for fuck sake. There isn't a way for him to not complete the job he was brought in for.

I read once about the stages of acceptance and how they were similar to the stages of grief. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. Am I still in stage one? Am I just denying the inevitable and seeing things that aren't there?

Maybe I'll write more later, I hear him upstairs. I guess it's noon.

𝓗𝓪𝔃𝓮𝓵 ♡