#not to say all german last names are shit. just mine specifically. and i would prefer having an italian one

[foolbo]

wish i had a really pretty italian last name so bad but nooo my dad just had to have a german last name

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

The disrespect toward indigenous peoples is what popped put at me today in one of your posts. I wonder how long the English have been looking down on the Welsh. We're the Saxons like that or is it the Normans who really thought they were better than everyone else. Cause it seems like it goes back a long way.

Oh, both, just in different ways. The Normals were imperialist, the Saxons were more theft and landgrab.

Something that makes me want to start hurling knives is the INCREDIBLY COMMON English myth that the Anglo-Saxons were a sweet innocent indigenous British people who were conquered and bullied by those mean nasty Normans (and Vikings), and because the Normans came over via France, that means everything was actually THEIR fault, and the true English i.e. the Anglo-Saxons, were victims too :(

When I say it's incredibly common, by the way, I really mean it. Enormous numbers of modern day English people believe this. I've seen BBC programs about the Viking invasions that claimed without a trace of irony that the Vikings would take slaves from "the native Anglo-Saxons". I've literally had English people comment this shit on posts of mine about Celtophobia and Welsh history. Like I'm there describing how the last Prince of Wales was locked in a wooden cage in Bristol Castle at the age of eight and lived out the remainder of his life there until his fifties so the Welsh would know their place, and some snivelling English cunt will straight up write a message going "Teehee really it was the Normans not the English though and they conquered the poor Anglo-Saxons too, poor England uwu"

Anyway in the dying days of the Roman empire in Britain one of the leading reasons for Rome abandoning Britannia was the constant waves of Anglo-Saxon invaders. There were so many the east coast of Britain became known as the Saxon Shore. There were so many the Romans built a line of forts that were and are literally called Saxon Shore Forts. There were so many that an official, historically documented, paid governmental position in Roman Britain was the Count of the Saxon Shore, i.e. the guy responsible for keeping the bastards out.

Rome had banned native military, of course, so when they then withdrew and took the armies with them, the people left had no defences against the incoming waves of Angles, Saxons and Jutes. England fell pretty quickly, Angles in the north, Saxons in the south, Jutes primarily in the east, I believe. What stopped their westward expansion was the Brythonic Celtic nations living in modern day Wales. And this is the origin of the Welsh dragon - those separate kingdoms needed a banner that united them, and represented Not Saxon. An anti-Saxon force. They chose a red dragon.

This is also the origin of King Arthur. An anti-Saxon king of the Brythons, who would repel these Germanic invaders. (It was several centuries later that England realised they should probably steal the term 'British', because otherwise they were marking themselves as 'not native'.)

Anyway the saving grace of the Anglo-Saxons in the end was actually that they were whiny little bitches who gave up trying to fight in Wales with its difficult mountains and fought each other instead. The whole sorry tale of the Heptarchy is the various Anglo-Saxon kingdoms fighting like cats in a bag, while Saxon king Offa built a dyke along the Welsh border and went "WELL YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED OVER HERE" and every Welsh king went "...we literally didn't want to conquer you anyway, you spectacularly sad and stupid man"

Oh, and of course, there's the name 'Wales'. Given to us specifically by the Anglo-Saxons. And translated by centuries of English scholars, mostly very smugly, as 'foreigners'. A fun bit of early propaganda, look - foreigners in our own country that they tried and failed to steal.

All of which is a circuitous way of saying - yeah, it goes way back.

[ozymoron]

tell me a bit about sophia (i mean if u want) im interested

gladly. i love talking about her

shes a 20 something year old german trans woman living in nz. shes 5'10" (somewhere around like 177.80cm) and a lesbian. she uses she/her pronouns but is fine with being called a guy or people using he/him for her as long as she know they believe her when she says shes a woman (like they dont mean it in a transphobic way). she has a deep voice and a german accent i havent really got much of the worldbuilding down yet but i do have most of her personality down. also her story takes place in some vague year between 2000 and now

shes kinda a huge loser like in the sense that she spends most of her time just sorta sitting around at home drinking beer and smoking while listening to industrial and hardcore and metal and shit (shes almost definitely depressed but im yet to explore that side of her lmao). she drinks and drives, shes incredibly wreckless. she kinda doesnt care that much about others but more in a way where shes just kinda always in her own head only thinking about herself and what she wants but when it comes to the people close to her shes incredibly protective like a guard dog. she acts like kinda a silly idiot around her loved ones but as soon as someone even looks at any of them wrong, shes fully ready to kill them. she clings onto her friends and stuff like theyre the last thing she has left. less in a desperate kinda codependent way and more in a "i could not live without you i will protect you with all i have trust me please stick around and keep me in your life i will make my existence worth your while" kind of way

shes a wannabe badass but also just is a badass. like she acts all cold and stoic but laid back, i guess in a way trying to seem all mysterious and cool but mostly just comes off like a bit of a jackass (cause she kinda is a bit of a jackass but she means well. sometimes.) i havent got to this part of the worldbuilding so i dont have an explanation for why she is this way but im planning that theres something she has to fight against or something like that. i have a bit of a vague idea of what i want but no specifics but she has a side to her where like shes actually kinda badass. she wears a wolf mask and carries around this baseball bat which the tip is like covered in nails and shit. im planning she gets covered in blood often because women covered in blood is awesome. im planning a theme with the group of characters she hangs out with where they all wear some kind of animal mask and each have their own weapon which like reflects their personality and whatnot

she works in a fast food restaurant which i feel like explains a lot about her

she mostly wears the mask to hide her identity but also to just hide her face in general. shes not insecure about how she looks but more just worried about what other people think of her. shes on hrt but she wants to keep her body hair cause she likes her body hair which includes her facial hair though she does regularly shave it cause she knows it gets her misgendered. she also wears a spiked collar and sometimes a leash (if shes not wearing a leash shes wearing some kind of bondage harness thing) both to continue the whole wolf dog thing shes got going on and also for sexual reasons of course

she has a romance thing going on with another oc of mine called blair (the name is a placeholder im so bad at picking names). blairs tiger/big cat coded shes more of the happy-go-lucky chaotic type. sophia goes incredibly soft for her like the whole trying to be a stoic badass thing completely drops around her she would sacrifice herself in a heartbeat if it meant blair was kept alive and safe which worries the fuck out of blair cause half the time she does not need to sacrifice herself but she puts herself in danger for blair often times for no reason cause she believes its what she needs to do to keep her safe. like her life is meaningless without blair so she'd rather be the one to die than live without blair. which like yeah theres a flaw in her logic cause like if she dies shes still without blair and now blairs sad but yknow. maybe she'll figure that out someday not sure tho shes a little stupid

idk what else to write so ill just add little tiny things i added to her for fun her favourite movie is evil dead 2 (this is me projecting onto her), she moans when she pees, she would give everything to be a werewolf, she had her drivers license taken from her she still drives tho. she shouldnt but she does, she hates beer but drinks it anyways. i think she doesnt know theres other kinds of alcohol. no idea how she doesnt know maybe she just hates herself and wants to drink shit that tastes bad for fun,

shes all i have left im going crazy

i also have a playlist for her if anyone besides me cares i care so fucking deeply. also my tag for her i feel also illustrates her personality well

[phantomdecibel]

I’m not going in and editing this word vomit but like. fair warning, I did write it at two AM so. take that as you will

OKAY SO

Purgatory aka today’s event. Its kind of a tournament, yeah, but not exactly like MCC lmao

All of the players on the server have been split into three teams (I wanna say there’s about… ten players per team? not positive tho, idk exactly how many people are on the server) and were sent o a whole new server while quesadilla island undergoes “maintenance”. Each team, blue green and red, have their own island triangulated around the spawn island, and they have to collect a shitton of various items to turn in for their tasks. Global tasks are first come first serve at spawn, and then everyone has personal tasks they complete at their team’s island. Completing the tasks earn them points, so does killing other players (supposedly) and just. logging on I think? The rules were explained hours ago man, I’m not certain on that last one. There’s one global,, progress bar split between the three colours, so if one team were to have 100% of the progress the other two would have 0% etc.

The “they” in question in that one post u linked is the red team! At that point in time (and the point when the streamer I was watching got kicked) the red team was beating the green team, and the blue team was winning by a LANDSLIDE. this was scuffed for a number of reasons but mainly: green was trying, and for the last couple of hours, red was not

(in all seriousness thst’s probably bc when red was trying they claimed a whole bunch of the global tasks, which seemed to gain teams the most points. It was scuffed for so many other reasons tho and was HILARIOUS)

red also had like half the members green and blue did, because literally (nearly?) every player who did not regularly log on or play consitantly/would not be participating in the event was on red team XD

they had like. half the team members the other two teams had

also, a number of the players they did have weren’t used to streaming for extended periods of time (like, 1-3 hours generally) and the event was seven whole hours so by the time the end of this shit was rolling around! they were losing their minds! They got a bit targeted by the other two teams, half the items they needed were incredibly difficult to get, and everyone kept getting fucked up by the random inversed controls, un/lucky mining drops, and firey death from above, so by the time three hours rolled around, red was completely demoralized and just. stopped trying lmao. And hour after that and they were still beating green. Who were still trying. So yeah! Scuffed!

and on top of all that the eggs are still missing, the new Eye Overlord hates their guts, and there’s one team that if they lose, the eggs will all die! Oh and no one knows which team it is so. Theyre all at eachother’s throats!

I want to tell you about the Shenanigans of the red team. bc they were hilarious. feel free to stop reading here if it’s not interesting, but I think you might enjoy the Many Ways these mfs lost their damn minds :) so here’s a lil rundown

So red was; Philza, Foolish, Cellbit, Slimesicle, JaidenAnimations, Baghera, Felps, Carré, Wilbur, German, Vegetta, and Willy, of which only the first six and Carré where on, though Carré left shortly before they all lost their damn minds haha. Those five who weren’t online don’t log on very often or weren’t expected to join in on the event, and Carré wasn’t making any promises about logging in consistently lol

They’re dropped in a glass dome – I assumed the other teams were too, but I saw someone mention that that might not be the case? and everything is foggy and tainted red. Immediately they start trying to break out, though they’re in adventure mode so it doesn’t really work, and the admins inform everyone that they’ll be put in survival once they choose a team name and leader. All of the team names are wonderful and amazing but red’s specifically is BOLAS?!???!, which I BELIEVE means balls, and their leader is Philza, though that’s really just on paper and doesn’t affect anything. Two of the island members are stated to be permanently dead which is an objectively hilarious way to justify them not wanting to play on the server if you ask me–

red is made up of less pvpers or grinders and more heavy lore people, so you just KNOW there’s some amazing jokes going on rn, charlie is amazing at improv and it fucking shows. The teams are also all tossed into their domes like the Eye Man was shaking them out of a burlap sack and despite being provided with parachutes there were many deaths lmfao

everything starts out pretty seriously all thins considered, everyone’s stressed as fuck bc their children’s lives are on the line, but red’s decent to madness starts with the blue team showing up out of fucking nowhere to kill them, and this is already several hours in so charlie has already started to lag a bit, and lures BadBoyHalo into a 1v1 so that the rest of red can ambush him – which is the exact moment that the world starts to burn and everyone is set on fire! At some point during the global warming moment the majority of red builds and hangs out in a hottub, though I was watching phil so I don’t know the exact details for that (speaking of phil. mans the designated leader and her immediately goes singleplayer hardcore mode and runs off on his own and escapes the map. The world is superflat ocean outside of the islands. Hes looting ships and is not supposed to (later the admins spawn 40-some swordfish on a ship to keep him from looting it kekw))

this spawns an Immense Hatred. red now loathes blue smile. oh also phil spends the first hour on half health bc there’s no food in their dome and it takes them that long to break out into the Larger World

one of the teams is cursed btw and if they lose then all the players and eggs will die. they are not told which team this is. If one of the other teams win they get to “pick some of the eggs” to bring back with them, so everyone is very stressed. Red goes in immediately knowing they are fucked, they go through soooo many ups and downs of hope and despair, starting with despair and coming out of the first blue confrontation with hope bc turns out Carré is cracked at pvp. he is their mascot their lil guy

the teams all start discord calls which is where the chaos really starts, honestly the (red for sure haven’t checked the other teams yet) stream is just very entertaining in general even if you don’t watch qsmp, with charlie going full weasel mode and spying on the other teams and then hopping back to red all excited to tell them what blue or green are up to so they can sabotage, since they’ve lost all hope of winning. Foolish dehydrates to death. Charlie drowns and says that he was trying to drink lmao. no one can mine stone btw, the server is glitched for the first hour or two. about an hour and fifteen in red has 16 deaths (blue has 8 and green has 4. cue more despair/acceptance. they barely have iron and étoiles almost has full diamond armour apparently. the server decides to reverse the controls. phil is unaffected by this for the first little while lmao, but once the inversed controls do hit him he decides he can’t do this sober and Acquires Alcohol

like this main is just sitting in the sky with jaiden sipping his fancy lil drink watching cellbit get mauled by a mob. they have money called ‘bings’. the inversed controls go back to normal. phil locks jaiden in a hole. This torment is for two whole weeks.

the discord group starts up around the 3h mark on phil’s stream and it is. incredibly entertaining. it's close to midnight for this man. “but your body still exists right” after cellbit dies in lava is a great sentence out of context

and then we get another despair spike! bbh kills charlie in cold blood with all their task stuff on him :) this entire time baghera has been trying to convince phil to go on a murder spree, and charlie decides that killing bbh is his new life goal. they still have hope for day two. cellbit gets stuck inside a block and mobs spawn Directly On Players. Something exlodes. phil abandons everyone to Return to The Ocean while the rest of red moves the base underground and discuss how to absolutely fuck up the other teams (“I think we need to resort to gorilla warfare” and “this was actually my plan to kill your child” – charlie qsmp purgatory event 2023)

carré really is just their lil guy hes so quiet while theyre on the discord call man they call him their mascot-

“who’s ready to become real unhealthy on the qsmp?” – charlie, again, he has so many banger quotes. Already they deciede to say fuck the rules we do what we want. Cue turning off chat to avoid seeing jaiden’s death message. Foolish is out for blood, and so is cellbit, and baghera is still begging phil to commit as many murders as possible. “my head is wood?!?!!??” “hey man and I c=sincerely mean this; *starts barking*”. blue mounts their attack, which charlie finds out about via eavesdropping. missa hops into the discod to tell them that he loves them (aww). the sun starts burning everything alive and red builds a fucking hottub. Its like four blocks big and baghera is doing the poledancing emote. carré puts a fish in the hottbu. charlie is still trying to do that 1v1 (and failing, just slightly). blue is still trying to kill them and carré pops off and kills them all. This event is going to shatter their in-lore community but red has just devolved into just chilling and hanging out and also practicing phsycological warfare

Ehhhhhhhhh gonna skip to them losing their minds bc its my favourite part smile. blue keeps spawncamping red and just keeps showing back up to slaughter them. blue and green team up to kill red, having had zero conflict between the two so far and everything kinda spirals from there. At one point bad kills jaiden for the sole purpose of stealing her hat. phil still has his drink and it is probably not helping. you can hear both cellbit and charlie losing their voices. they've been pack bonding and it shows, if these motherfuckers get split up I’m rioting. phil hunts down tubbo. charlie has begun to refer to himself as mama and the other red are his children/litter and he is on a mission to feed them all (“I am coming to spawn with bread for my sweet children. I have wheat for my litter”)

they're on their way to spawn and being hunted by phantoms, though when they get there they’re killed by green with enchants, and blue is there too (killing). everything is in shambles, and falling to pieces. charlie's bread is stolen, though he gets it back eventually. jaiden declares herself the king of pirates. Their apple tree starts to burn down. Blue shows back up to spawncamp them again, and then phil and charlie die to green again, and red Officially Gives Up

Charlie Hates Everyone who’s not red now (his words), phil is surprised they didn’t quit sooner. they have given up on the eggs and are yelling its hilarious. “we cant even place blocks over half of our fuxking land because my bodies litter the ground” – charlie, shaking with rage and on the verge of tears (losing his voice), and contemplates leaving in a boat forever. He’s making Noises, just some straight up Sounds. he is yelling XD “slime armour??? I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF ITS MADE WITH REAL SLIME!!!” phil is back in his boat 10k blocks out, charlie’s breakdown sounds like the first to reeeaally start. cellbit requests spectator mode

charlie and baghera decide to leave and start a survival letsplay, though charlie dies (agsin) before they can do that. étoiles has dmed phil to say that he hates everything. cellbit and charlie start beating the shit out of eachother, and baghera dies. I sincerely wonder what the other teams were thinking when they saw those death messages lmfao. phil is still out in the middle of nowhere looking for ships – and an admin shows up in front of him to spawn ten dozen swordfish. baghera starts screaming in the gamechat, and they deciede to build a little hut instead of doing tasks. foolish has devolved to wantingthe other teams to come kill them again so he can get angrier. “hatsune miku is going to log on and rip you a new one” – cellbit. baghera is begging the admins to kill her daughter so that she can fucking leave, she has also offered up her computer, her house, and her cat. they are still screaming in gamechat

cellbit builds a fireplace after they decide to huddle in a circle, and jaiden says that they don’t deserve fire. charlie asjks if they can pray for a second, and puts in in gc, as everyone else becomes lightheaded. jaiden screams out a kys though I don’t knowthe context over it, “just gas us already” – foolish. jaiden and charlie try to convince phil and foolsh to kill themselves in game to get back to their island quicker, and jaiden, charlie, cellbit, and baghera start burning themselves to death in the campfire. It is the most fun charlie has had all event, and then he attempts to gaslight bbh. “don’t die on-stream foolish, youll get banned-!” – philza. The brainwrinkles are smoothing out, and that is a subject of conversation

“spawn the ender dragon admins, fucking do it” – jaiden. they're all in hell and they want out. the body with all of baghera’s stuff has despawned, but no one gives a shit. They want to go to brazil instead of playing in the event. Or dysney. Or a real island, where they would have to amputate cellbit’s broken leg(?), because that would be more fun. It’s 1am for at least one of these people, and it shows. They have packbonded, and have vowed to build a town instead where they will trade people task materials for emeralds and combat log if anyone tries to fight them. Their trades are going to be very bad (one seed for one emerald). they make villager noises and build an emerald vault for the other teams to break  into. “I cant tell if im having a great time or a panic attack right now,” “we’re in a manic state” – charlie and jaiden, as foolish and phil make it back. they start throwing themselves in the fire again. phil tells the other teams that burning to death gives you more points, and then they start some impromptu karaoke and poledance around the fire over jaiden’s corpse, literally all four of them except cellbit (carré is just. gone, he didn’t even say goodbye kekw). none of the timers match up. charlie is going to stare at the potato in their fridge until it explodes but gets distracted by the fidget spinner phil brought back. charlie kills foolish for getting in the way of building their circular house, and charlie starts eavesdropping again. half their team isn’t just forever going to be missing and somehow theyre still in second place as they roleplay a village. Jaiden wants to pretend theyre back on quesadilla island and foolish decides to build a statue but gets sidetracked by the house’s windows being filled with dirt. they come up with two solutions which are fight god and kill quackity over and over again. baghera is out for phil’s blood she wants him dead. Jaiden turns her location back on on the map. phil decides to fistfight baghera to let off steam and after killing her lets her kill him. she beats him to death. he finds this hysterical. charlie kills jaiden and vice versa. cellbit kills jaiden for killing charlie. charlie kills cellbit for killing jaiden. foolish kills charlie for killing cellbit. jaoden tries to kill foolish for building stairs but he kills her first and the timers freeze. baghera gets kicked from the server and they all sit in a circle to confess their sins (cellbit: massmurder, charlie: knows there’s a code impersonating his daughter, foolish: clogged phil’s toilet. it devolved from there). phil logs out to see if the timer will reset (it does) (he gets banned from the server a second after). red declares that they were very happy with the way the day turned out, before deciding to just become Straight Up Creatures that are decrepit, committing cannibalism, making weird creature noises, crawling on the ground naked, hissing at torches. I want that so much. I want to both see and live that. they’re gonna ask the admins to give them special models before going back to the cannibalism point which like. Same. charlie goes to bbh’s chat to tell him that he changed his life which, in context with the previous discussion, is hilarious.

Anyways the admins have decided to try and rebalance the teams and honestly? If they do I will riot. Do Not separate them. they're amazing okay quackity don’t separate them. Rebalance the teams only if it will make red worse lET THEM GO FERAL OKAY!! jaiden asks for poison tipped claws instead of separating the team theyre so pack bonded okay they’re creatures. wish I had those vibes like damn. give them their enrichment puzzles. Honestly I feel like the cursed team, if it even exists, is just going to be whoever wins so that they get to bring the eggs back either way. This stream was hysterical. dont do it dont separate them. do not

ignore previous ask I have some three thousand words for you whenever you’re ready smile

Send it!

[deepdarkdelights]

Hello love! I’m the one who wrote to you about the potential inspo for a story. Again you can throw it away or use it, it doesn’t matter haha. I just truly enjoy your writing so I thought that if anybody could make something out of nothing, it would be you. Anyways, I was inspired by the picture above. Oh and I was going to send you this anonymously, but then the picture wouldn’t have been saved (and I’m super shy about this lol, seriously I’m blushing).

Story Begins:

The world holds its secrets, and I hold mine. Deception is never formed by intention, it’s mere collateral damage based off promises and dreams of distant futures.

My dreams were based off my family at first. Based off my brother and mother. Based off the memory of my sister.. But that’s all in the past, and now that I’ve awoken from the imagery of delusional hope. I’m left to deal with the cost of my deception.

—————————————————————

“Mr.Kim, I see you’re yet to finish you’re meal. Oh my! You couldn’t even have a bite?!” The petite young woman shrieking at the untouched meal moved forward to retreat the “warm” mushroom soup that was meant to be in the belly of her boss by now.

With a heavy sigh “Mr.Kim” turns around in his chair. Face still in concentration from whatever is in his hands, he reaches toward his cup of coffee (the only thing for consumption that didn’t occupy too much time).

His secretary stood in front of him speechless at his lack of response. Yes Mr. Kim was young for his profession, his grayish blueish strands contrasting from the dark wool of his turtleneck, his glasses modestly framed to his face, and shiny gold watch that clung to his wrist all precedent to what would be considered a young bachelor -but no, instead this demeanor belonged to a top detective in the field of criminal justice.

From what Jisoo, his secretary knew of him, he was a very bright and professional detective. She was aware of his battle with prostitution rings in South Korea, who’s successful case landed him a job in the New York station of private affairs and criminal justice, where he also succeeded in bringing down one of the most influential law firms for the involvement of illegal transactions and drug smuggling. His work on the field had provided him with a private, yet comfortable life. Not long after his station in the New York City department of justice, he and a couple of team members were asked to work for the The General Directorate for Internal Security in France.

“Jisoo, I know we both were born in Korea, but could you please drop the formalities? I’ve known you for 3 years now “, said the heavy voice in the chair.

At this Jisoo felt a pang if guilt for her earlier charade. Mr.Ki-Na..Namjoon’s voice sounded tired. ‘Of course he is’, she thought to herself. He had spent the last 2 years and a half perusing an unamed organization whos’ motive was unclear, but actions centered around the illegal transaction of money.

“Jisoo? Are you even listening?” The young secretary looks up, “Sorry what was that?”

“I guess I’m not the only one who has had a rough day. I asked you.. am i not a nice person?” At this Jisoo meets the eyes of Namjoon without hesitation.

“What?”

“Have I been mean to you in anyway? Have I thrown your sandwiches out or made fun of those ridiculous pens you bring to work?” He asks with his eyebrows comically lifted.

Jisoo, finally understanding where he is getting at responds, “Not until this point you haven’t”.

“See! We even banter for crying out loud! If that doesn’t scream friendship I don’t know what does!” Namjoon is practically out of breath delivering his sermon on how good of a friend he had been throughout the past three years until it gets to the point where Jisoo has listened to it twice.

“Okay, okay! Enough... friend”, it’s not that she dislikes thinking of Namjoon as a friend, but more of the fact that she doesn’t perfer to associate herself in that aspect with any of her coworkers -much less higher ups. Her lack of attachment also has to do with the fact that back home, in the same position she stands today, she had seen a handful of her beloved coworkers in caskets in no less than 5 weeks of knowing them. However, despite all of this, she can’t deny that Namjoon has acted out the role of a bigger brother during her stay in France, especially in the sense of bringing her Korean food from one particular restaurant on the outskirts of the city. Their relationship has always been comfortable and despite his undeniably handsome features, there was no physical attraction between them... it was nice.

“Okay now say it with enthusiasm, as if you actually like me. Come on FRRI- “ all the sudden the phone rings. Jisoo turns to quickly take her exit, but not before she hears a curse from the man who was a second away from singing the friends theme song.

‘Namjoon i really hope you don’t come close to catching these guys’ she silently prays. She knows the consequences of bringing justice, she’s seen the red splatter that the name decorated itself with.

—————————————————————

“Joon this just turned from a fraud to a murder scene. We are not just talking about big investments, but the murder of two prime ministers and the chief of justice in Germany.”

Namjoon looks at his fellow detective and reaches out for the stack of papers near his desktop. “What did Germany say?”

Yoongi, his literal partner in (fighting) crime answers with a simple, “jack shit”. “They don’t believe it’s connected”.

“Then why do we?” Namjoon at this point is at a dead end yet again. This same secret organization has plagued his office walls, desk, and even bed for almost three years. It’s normal for a case such as this one to take time, but when your teammates and you are specifically placed in an international office for one specific case, it gets a bit frustrating.

“Because.. both the German officer and the Prime Minister in Bordeaux had their tounges taken out.”

“What!?” Had this been any other criminal investigation, this piece of information would not have surprised Namjoon. This however was not just any case, for the duration of his stay in France, and the additional years he was not assigned to this area, this was the first similarity between the crimes. Whoever these people were, made sure to not leave a single message, nor fingerprint, nor act of pride that would give them away. It was almost as if these crimes were committed themselves, and the world was forced to accept it for the time being.

OKAY IT IS GARBAAGGÉÉ, but hey if it works as inspo I’m all for it. Oh by the way, the first part is from jungkook’s perspective. When I initially started I thought about there being a mysterious “sister” aka y/n (didn’t plan out how or why she disappeared yet lol), and because I’m a garden hoe for yandere, I thought about making jungkook slowly progress into a ridonculous yandere. As you can see it’s a bit all over the place. But anyways, I freaking love your writing and throw this away or change it up or use it as it is, it’s all yours.

Ps. Love ya

Hello my lovely!

First off, I am so proud of you for being brave and sending this off of anon! I know how vulnerable that can be, so thank you really for feeling comfortable enough to do so!

Secondly, omfg you have skill! Like I was getting into it and I legit screeched when I realized there wasn't more to read! You did so well sweetie!

Moving on, I really enjoyed this, I don't think you realize just how much skill and potential you have as a writer. I want to read more please!

I do really like this as a concept, although I am coming off of an investigator Joon fic so I think I would need to take a break from that theme lol.

I would like to talk about this more if you're up to it, I think you should pursue this idea because it has great foundations. Let's talk more please you little genius you!

P.S. (ILY TOO 💜💜💜)

[kickingstonesandbones]

ADA: Songs the BSD characters remind me of (even though no one asked)

I’ve recently watched all 3 seasons of the Anime, the movie and the OVA and have started reading the Manga from the beginning. Right now I am only at chapter 40 because I started reading like 2 days ago, so idk stuff that would happen after the Anime storyline (if it goes that much further than season 3 ending, I wouldn’t know). I based this off on either specific lyrics that made me think it would fit the character or a certain vibe I was getting from a character. For some characters it was easier, for some not so much lol It is why some characters have multiple songs that make me think of them while others only have one (if they even do have one, that is – but the ADA does, except for Katai). So please do not rip into me because you think a song might not fit them as well as I do, because I just have not gotten to the latest chapter of the Manga yet, so there are some characters I do not know that well yet but I wanted to do this for fun. Other than that, I hope you enjoy this list~ Also, feel free to add to my list if you have songs that I haven’t mentioned but think would fit the characters, if you want to~

My taste in music is also pretty broad and not limited to certain languages or genres (though I do have my preferences), so I will provide translations of the lyrics in different languages from English. The German ones (like Kontra K, Elif, etc.) were translated by myself (on the spot), for other languages like Romanian or Korean, etc. I had to look up translations on the internet.

Disclaimer: For the songs for Dazai, one might want to consider a TW, for one of his songs has extremely open-no-room-for-speculation suicidal lyrics. If this affects you, please skip that one, I will put that song last on his list.

And, well, because this is 12 pages long in the document, I will be making a cut here…

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𝔸𝔻𝔸 𝕚𝕟 𝕘𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕣𝕒𝕝

💙 Wölfe (Wolves) by Kontra K 💙

It’s about so much more than just strength, it’s about solidarity and virtue / It runs so much deeper than your wounds could ever get / We’re walking through the fire together until the day we die […] /

And we are so infinitely far away from being perfect / But what doesn’t kill us will make us stronger / And hope dies last / It dies last /

A lot of the members have been through quite some shit, but they hold it together all the time and always pull through and manage to keep moving forward sooo (some random arsehole I talked to spoilered me about Yosano and Mori  -_-)

💙 Born For This by The Score 💙

A force that they can’t stop / They just don’t get it, I think they forget / I’m not done until I’m on top / I know I was born for this / I know I was born for this […] /

We are the warriors, who learned to love the pain / We come from different places but have the same name / ‘Cause we were born for this / We are the broken ones, who chose to spark a flame / Watch as our fire rages, our hearts are never tame /

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ℕ𝕒𝕜𝕒𝕛𝕚𝕞𝕒 𝔸𝕥𝕤𝕦𝕤𝕙𝕚

💙 Believe by Hollywood Undead 💙

I can’t believe / That when I breathe / That there’s something good inside of me / Just one good thing inside of me / So close to me / That memory / Of that one good thing inside of me / Just one good thing inside of me /

If I went out the back door, nobody would stop me / But, where would I go? / ‘Cause I ain’t never had a real home / So, what do I know? / So, I could keep runnin’, hide until they find me / But, what would that do? /

That he really hates himself that much and how insecure he is in his right to be alive not just simply because he is a living being really hurts to see.

💙 Face it by NF 💙

Don’t know how to face it / Let’s go back to basics / Yes, say what you mean, do what you say, but man I hate this / I just don’t know what I’m chasing, don’t know what I’m chasing / Yes, somebody told me / Life is something you don’t wanna play with / But I just keep on playing like life is just a playground […] / I look at myself and I ask what the goal is / Yeah, tell me what your goal is / I’m just so lost in emotions, I don’t even notice / I just slip into a place and I don’t think straight / Devil in my ear tryna tell me everything’s great / And in a year realize I’m in the same place / Running in the same race, same pace […] /

Get that sickness out my mouth / I feel like my train is derailing / I can feel it / Yo these words are only words until they actions / Words until they actions, strive on empty satisfactions / Yeah, the fact is I don’t know, fact is I don’t know /

💙 월식  (My Tragedy) by Taeyeon 💙

At the end of an empty day / Everyone busily returns from somewhere / In the red night sky / I disappear into the darkness little by litte / These many sparkling lights / There isn’t a single light that’s mine / Under the cold shade by myself / Like it wasn’t there from the start /

💙 Oceans by Jacob Lee 💙

I learnt to let go when I was younger / Scared of growing old / I would swim far into the ocean / And try to stay afloat / Until my lungs would cough up water […] /

I don't want love no more / Though it's the one thing I've been searching for / Though it's the one thing that I miss the most / Now I'm afraid to be alone / I learnt to grow old when I was younger / Scared of staying young / Afraid of the thoughts that I had conjured / That sat atop my tongue / Knowing I'd change the worlds opinion / If they would just, listen up / But they won't, now /

I feel worthless / Maybe I should open the drawer / Burn the pages / Write poems with the ash on the floor / Pour the ink, into the sink / And watch it drain from the shore /

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𝔻𝕒𝕫𝕒𝕚 𝕆𝕤𝕒𝕞𝕦

I know Dazai has a looooot of songs, but tbh I could’ve added at least another 15 because. There. Were. Just.  S O .  M A N Y .  T H A T  F I T  H I M  S O  W E L L ‼‼ (Well, at least the ones I could think of off of the top of my head right away.)

💙 Believe by Hollywood Undead 💙

Don’t you know, little boy, they’ll lay you to waste, man / Little do they know, every song is a lifespan / Yeah, they’ve taken one, but I’m takin’ my last chance / To hold all we know and let go with both hands / Though, don’t you know that plots are made from concrete / Right through the stone, can you hear my heart beat? / Beats through my bone, like no memory left me / Not for a second or a minute when I dream […] / My heart beats heavy in an open chest / And, I wanna say goodbye, but there’s nobody left /

I broke it all, and I put to the test / Put your hands in mine, and feel this emptiness / There’s no beat in my chest / ‘Cause there’s nothin’ left / No, it ain’t goodbye, its a last caress  / What’s another dream? / You could hardly sleep /

Makes me think of Oda aka the bond they had aka the admiration Dazai had for him.

💙 Face it by NF 💙

I ain’t sleeping lately / I ain’t sleeping lately / Yes, I know that I’m the only person that can change me / Maybe, that’s why I ain’t changing / That’s why I ain’t changing / I got too much on my mind, I guess I don’t know how to face it /

He obviously has a lot of issues, and I bet he still doesn’t think of himself as a good person. It strikes me as if he’s thinking that Agency Dazai is not much different from Mafia Dazai. “Your hands are black. Mafia black,” as Higuchi said. I think he did not deny it when she said that, so he doesn’t disagree with her.

💙 Rain by Hollywood Undead 💙

I don’t mind, no I don’t mind, I don’t mind the rain / Simple things and subtleties, they always stay the same / I don’t mind, that I don’t mind, no I don’t mind the rain / Like a widow’s heart, we fall apart, but never fade away (fade away) /

Run like a child, do you know where I came from? / No, I don’t, but I’m singing all the same songs / I’m alone, and you’re looking for your anyone / Does it hurt just to know that it’s all gone? / I can feel the pain in the words that you say / Hidden in the letters that were written to no name […] / Buried in red, white, and a side of some blue / Some will die too late, and somebody too soon / If he could come back, we’ll see what it cost him / We had to lose it all, just to know that we lost one /

💙 Lass mich lieber allein (better just leave me alone) by Kontra K 💙

Man, don’t explain the world to me, it isn’t perfect / And just as imperfect are also you, her and me / All of that isn’t a problem to me / But tell me, since when does hatred laugh so audaciously into my face? / But it’s somehow alright for me […] / Man, I wish for a minuscule part of naivety back / But it seems it’s somehow too late for me / Somehow already too late for me […] /

Already been wandering for so long, you forget / Who is worthy of sacrificing yourself for and for whom you better not do it / You run along the street of success without any luck (on your side) / But she walks out of hell into heaven only once and then right back / If you end up where you started then where is the meaning? /

Because I also have my baggage to carry all on my own / Just like all of the fuckers that think I’m living in heaven all by myself / But the fire and the flames in which I’ve been standing in for so long already / Man, they refuse to see them / But it’s somehow alright for me /

You better just leave me alone / Because when they carry you on their hands, they will (eventually) let you drop / I’d rather fall alone/by myself / Rather alone/by myself /

💙 Lies by Will Jay 💙

I'd rather tell myself if I ignore / These thoughts they'll go away / And my toxic friends have changed / Truth is I hate confrontation / Deal with it tomorrow / 'Cause there's nothing I can do / That's my favourite excuse / Feeding my procrastination […] /

And I think I just realised I would do anything / To keep hiding the pain I've been burying / That's why I tell / Lie-lie-lie-lie-lie-lie-lies /

💙 Du willst es (You want it) by Kontra K 💙

Only the good ones die young, and not long after the best ones follow / No idea, ask death why he thinks that I am so damn bad / Still here, we’re almost not worthy of heaven / Working day for day, only the hatred kills the pain / Life will shoot you in the chest but only ever hit your heart / Thank God that place in my chest has been emptied a long time ago […] /

We asked God, “why” / But the devil said, “doesn’t matter” / We’re swimming in a pool full of misery / But bring us another glass of it /

💙 Wie gemacht dafür (like we were made for it) by Kontra K 💙

Pretty normal, normal / Because you can’t get me, get me further down (the hole/ditch) / Than I’ve already been, you get it? […] / I’m going one-on-one with my inner demons, and I’ve been doing that for the past 13 years / I’ve been there, no matter what happened / Ask your gangsters, they know my voice / Have respect, respect for the realness / But fucking piss me off, and I’ll be sending you to heaven […] /

What pressure are you talking about, I inhale this city deep into my lungs / Put it on the beat and I’ll be giving you a new reason for your hatred /

Like we were made for it, we’re running through hell barefooted / We’re living rent-free in their heads, with the real ones, with the real ones / Like we were made for it, always loyal to my people / Swapping none of my friends for money, for the real ones, for the real ones […] /

If you’re my enemy, I’ll give you lead (bullets) / If you’re my friend, I’ll give you love / Because a wolf stays fucking loyal only to his family /

💙 Lonely by Nathan Wagner 💙

Is everybody lonely? / Is everybody scared? / Is everybody worried / That no one really cares? / See I'm afraid to love, but afraid to be alone / Still I wonder why my heart is always broke / What a way to live, let the fear take all control / Oh, this ain't life, no / I'm not alive […] /

'Cause I'm afraid to show the people who I am / I'm not special, I'm just a simple broken man / So I will hide my face with my picture perfect mask / Oh, this ain't life, no / It's just a lie […] /

If I looked you in the eye / And showed the broken things inside / Would you run away? / Would you run away? / If you saw my darkest parts / The wicked things inside my heart / Would you run away? / Or are you the same? /

The following one makes me think of Mafia Dazai

💙 Body Count by Grey ft. Thutmose 💙

I got a hunger, I got a fever / And it just won't quit / I got a temper, I got a bullet / With your name on it / Everybody wonders what it's like on top / I don't gotta wonder 'cause I call the shots […] /

My blood runs cold and my feet run faster / I still got heart, I hear a heart don't matter / Say what you want and it'll be your last words / It ain't a secret, I got a hit list / And baby, you're up next /

Stack 'em up, stack 'em up / Teach 'em not to fuck with me / Bag 'em up, bag 'em up / Let 'em know who runs these streets / Take 'em down, take 'em down / Count 'em out like one, two, three / Add a-na-na-na-na-na-na-nother one  / To the body count /

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T r i g g e r   W a r n i n g  !

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💙 Bullet by Hollywood Undead 💙

Gone too far and yeah I'm gone again / It's gone on too long, tell you how it ends / I'm sitting on the edge with my two best friends / One’s a bottle of pills, one’s a bottle of Gin / I'm twenty stories up, yeah I'm up at the top / I'll polish off this bottle, now it's pushing me off / Asphalt to me has never looked so soft / I bet my momma found my letter, now she’s calling the cops / I gotta take this opportunity before I miss it / 'Cause now I hear the sirens and they're off in the distance / Believe me when I tell you that I've been persistent / 'Cause I'm more scarred, more scarred than my wrist is / I've been trying too long, with too dull of a knife / But tonight I made sure that I sharpened it twice / I never bought a suit before in my life / But when you go to meet god, you know you wanna look nice /

We hit the sky, there goes the light / No more sun, why's it always night / When you can't sleep, well, you can't dream / When you can't dream, well, what’s life mean? / We feel a little pity, but don't empathize / The old are getting older, watch a young man die […] /

When you were young, you never thought you'd die / Found that you could but too scared to try / You looked in the mirror and you said goodbye / Climb to the roof to see if you could fly /

So if I survive, then I'll see you tomorrow / Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow

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𝕐𝕠𝕤𝕒𝕟𝕠 𝔸𝕜𝕚𝕜𝕠

💙 Brunette Ambition by Qveen Herby 💙

'Cause it's been three weeks and four days / No days off, just runways / I’m fucked up, I'll throw shade / Outwork you on a bad day […] /

On a mission, got no competition / It's hard to sleep with brunette ambition / Revenge is sweet, pussy: my religion / They say slow down, but I never listen /

Old me forsaken, these rules are for breaking / I get lonely with no new friends / Associate, but they can't relate / When you want the world, they’re uncomfortable /

This one is 50% lyrics, 50% overall energy of the song. Yosano is a bad bitch, and I love her.

💙 STFD by TeZATalks 💙    [Flash Warning for epilepsy]

I'm not here to take no names or reservations / I'm the devil telling Satan I'm just wild / Sit the fuck down / Imma kill it let me live just how I'm livin' / Ghetto heart with good intentions / I'm just wild / Sit the fuck down /

I'm chasing freedom for the fearless / I gotta do it 'cause I can't chase fear myself / I'm 'bout as broken as I confess / But better than most that lay cower / Proud of who they crowd / You don't know me / Coming to take your crown / Bow down / You know that I can do better, better / I don't need you to come in and show me how / Settle down / Cause you know that I can do better, better /

This song is mostly just the vibe for me. Quite…. unapologetic. Like the badass bitch vibe Yosano gives off, despite (or probably especially because of) her past.

💙 Nur mir (only to myself) by Elif 💙

Can’t believe what’s happening to me / Your words have manipulated me / I shouldn’t lose the connection to myself / Because otherwise your words will always stay with me / At first, you were there for me / But then you wanted me as your property […] / This city is big enough for the two of us / I have to share it with 4 million others anyway / I get onto the same train, stand on the same platform / Oh, everything’s profit (to you), everything’s yours /

But I only belong to myself, only to myself / Belong to myself, only to myself / Not to her, not to him, not to you /

💙 Disease by Hollywood Undead 💙

Our words are broken but they’re spoken aloud / So come together, come together again / The time is now, let Armageddon begin / They say beginnings always start with the ends / I say forever and forever, Amen /

Forget what you are / Forget what you feel / We stand apart but fall together / Nothing ever lasts forever /

We’re born to live, we’re born to die / We’re forced to swallow these pills and to never ask why / What I’ve become, why can’t you see / That everybody, everybody, everybody’s got this disease? /

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𝔼𝕕𝕠𝕘𝕒𝕨𝕒 ℝ𝕒𝕟𝕡𝕠

💙 The Wolf by SIAMÉS 💙

Each and every day / Hiding from the sunshine / Wandering in the shade / Not too old, not too young / Every night again / Dancing with the moonlight / Somewhere far away / I can hear your call […] / Ain’t no fairytale / What I see in your eyes / Awaiting your mistake / Not too close, not too far /

Honestly, finding a song for Ranpo somehow was harder than it should’ve been lmao Originally, this song is about addiction, but if you read them in the sense of it being about a criminal, whom Ranpo is about to catch, it makes more sense. I am sorry I can’t provide a better song for him right now djhfksjlhdfujhhgkfc

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𝕂𝕦𝕟𝕚𝕜𝕚𝕕𝕒 𝔻𝕠𝕡𝕡𝕠

💙 Fuck You by Silent Child 💙

Am I wasting my breath on you / Feels like my words are never getting through, yeah / I never said I hate you to someone so much before / I'm light headed when we talk and then you shut the door, god damn / Like what are we still talking for, yeah /

I really hope you don’t see tomorrow  / I tried to play nice with you / 'Cause all you ever do is try to fuck up my day / And you were successful / (But I know the truth) / No you don't have anything better to do / Everything you ever loved has tried to escape you / So why would I want anything to do with you /

Fuck you /

Don’t lie, he would blast this at full volume when Dazai fucks up his schedule again HAHAHA (I love their dynamic)

💙 Waiting by Zhavia Ward 💙

The truth is you don't even / Know what the hell you believe / But you should believe / Lions don't lose sleep / Over the opinions of sheep /

So if you're waitin' / To watch me fall / Watch me fall / Watch me fall / I'ma keep you waitin' / To watch me fall / Watch me fall / Watch me fall / I'ma keep you waitin' /

Empire State kinda view / And I'm up here with the crew / I got the feelin' that you wishin' / You could be up here too / Maybe I should feel bad for you / Be a little sentimental / But I don't, no I won't / Make excuses for you to hide behind /

This one makes me think of the time Fyodor tried to break him mentally by making that little girl sacrifice herself (Season 3), but he got back up pretty quickly again after having his ideals get shaken like that.

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𝔽𝕦𝕜𝕦𝕫𝕒𝕨𝕒 𝕐𝕦𝕜𝕚𝕔𝕙𝕚

💙 S.C.A.V.A. by Hollywood Undead 💙

Here's the massacre, a mausoleum fit for me / Lived a hundred years, a hundred years I didn't see / Gave all my hope away, isn't any left for me? / Bombs are splitting atoms, what can the future bring? / We can fill a million choirs and wait till children sing / We can walk a million miles and end up in the sea / And our lungs just keep filling and lying when we breathe / The world's filled with liars, liars like me / And I look at my child, it's finite, this feeling / Eyes blue like the sky, I see all of this meaning / I reach up to God and I ask if I'm dreaming […] /

Everybody says greetings and goodbyes / Everybody pays, no one knows the price / We know the price of sin, the sin of sacrifice / I know I'll sin again, but who can save me twice? / How much can we ask? You'll get the answer first / How much can we kneel with the air that chills the earth? / The air keeps getting colder, my knees keep hitting dirt / The innocent can cry without the guilty getting hurt / You ask who you love and you don't know, no, do you? / The spirit of God just passes right through you / You gave away heaven, handed right to you / And I can see it all, tell me, is it true? /

Fukuzawa is that anime character that’s visibly been through a lot of shit (and has done a lot of shit as well, even morally grey or black), which could be why he’s so stern and not a man of many words. Marked by life, if you will. He also gives off a very “wise man” kinda vibe right from the beginning, so I think that this song somewhat fits him because it is wondering about the state of the world and human nature.

💙 Courtesy Call by Thousand Foot Krutch 💙

This is your last warning / A courtesy call / I am not afraid / Of the storm that comes my way / When it hits it shakes me to the core / And makes me stronger than before / It’s not a question about trust / But will you stand with us? […] /

There’s a rumble in the floor / So get prepared for war / When it hits it’ll knock you to the ground / When it shakes up everything around / But survivial is a must / So will you stand with us? /  

This song just has that badass vibe. And no one can deny that Fukuzawa has a badass and intimidating vibe as well as he seems so stern and stoic most of the time.

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𝕋𝕒𝕟𝕚𝕫𝕒𝕜𝕚 𝕁𝕦𝕟𝕚𝕔𝕙𝕚𝕣𝕠𝕦

💙 Nesimtit by Mark Stam 💙

I don't have lots of cash / But enough for me to buy you an ice cream / For us to go on a walk / And for you to whisper to me in the waves of the ocean / I've taken some days from the border / And I put some behind the door, on ice / For cloudy weather / So that we can have them when the movie of life passes […] /

Let me be your lifeline / When your world is in the process of demolition / Let your dreams fly / I promise, we'll catch them somewhere around the sun /

Oddly enough, the Tanizaki siblings were just as hard for me as Ranpo… There aren’t really that many songs that would make me think of them. But this Romanian one made me (partly) think of him, I also think it’s cute and would probably fit him lol Especially the last four lines make me think of him and Naomi. After all, he’d even burn down the whole world if it was for her sake. All in all, this just sounds like him in the sense of a really supporting person/friend/brother.

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𝕋𝕒𝕟𝕚𝕫𝕒𝕜𝕚 ℕ𝕒𝕠𝕞𝕚

💙 You Should See Me In A Crown by Billie Eilish 💙

You say, "Come over, baby / I think you're pretty" / I'm okay, I'm not your baby / If you think I'm pretty /

You should see me in a crown / I'm gonna run this nothing town / Watch me make 'em bow / One by one by one / One by one by / You should see me in a crown / Your silence is my favorite sound / Watch me make 'em bow / One by one by one / One by one by one /

Naomi isn’t giving me the same “badass bitch” vibe as Yosano does, but she does have that “badass princess” vibe. Is that making any kind of sense? Like, she does not have an ability, but she is neither dumb nor completely helpless in all situations. So, there is a slight badass vibe, but not the “I can and I. W i l l . Kick your stupid. Bitch. Ass.” – so a…. “badass princess”? Because she also has that elegant aura about her. I hope I am making sense…?

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ℍ𝕒𝕣𝕦𝕟𝕠 𝕂𝕚𝕣𝕒𝕜𝕠

💙 2! 3! by BTS 💙

We know that you are happy right now / That you're slaying right now / You have all what you deserve / And we are so damn proud / But you're people, like us / You have spars, you get hurt / You get tired of the pressure / You get tired of the rush / God, thank you so much! / For giving us the chance / To tell you that we're here for you / And this will never change /

Lay on us / When dark times come and surround you / Our light will help you to get through / Our love is gonna heal you / Lay on us / The ones who would go to space to / Steal some stars just to give you 'cause it would make you feel good / We're gonna stay with you forever, until the end / We swear that we're not going anywhere / Yeah we're not going anywhere / We know the road can be so tough / But with holding hands / Together we take a nice deep breath /

Haruno strikes me as the kind of person, who’d be a really supportive friend, so I thought this might fit her. I have not seen much of her and her character neither in the anime nor in the manga yet, so I don’t really know whether this is any good or if it does her any justice.

On the other hand, I feel this song would also fit the Tanizaki siblings well.

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𝕄𝕚𝕪𝕒𝕫𝕒𝕨𝕒 𝕂𝕖𝕟𝕛𝕚

💙 Puste sie weg (blow them away) by Kontra K 💙

Love in the air – blow it away / 9mm on the chest – then blow it away / 3g on the mirror – better blow it away / And the wind will do the rest / Hate in the air – blow it away / Pressure on the chest again – then blow it away / Seven sins in my head – better blow it away / And the wind will do the rest […] /

Because everyone’s talking, talking, talking too much / But unfortunately never do it, do it, do it / And I don’t hate, hate, hate the player / But I’d rather kill a whole team by myself /

I’d rather have three, four warriors than one thousand “brothers” / I’d rather pick up cents from the ground than break bread with liars / I’d rather be broke like I used to be than be a part time dealer / I’d rather have a heart of gold than sharing with no one at all (no one) /

Hatred in the air – blow it away / Pressure on the chest again – then blow it away / Seven sins in my head – better blow it away / And the wind will do the rest /

Take the lyrics quite literally, “blow them away”. The feeling of this song fits him, I think, because of his sheer strength. He just blows away hatred, malice, etc. and is unaffected by any of it as his heart and his head stay innocent and pure, even if naive.

I have to say though, it can be a pun, especially the part of “9mm (gun) on the chest” would be most obvious for it (especially considering that the “on the chest” part does not specify in German whether it’s your own chest or you are holding a gun to someone’s else’s chest lol). In general “puste xy weg” means to blow it away with the air out of your mouth, but colloquially it can also mean gunning down something or someone. And if you apply that meaning to every single line with “blow it away”, the meaning turns around from not letting it bother you to killing it, which I find interesting with this character. (Because he definitely has great potential to actually kill someone with his ability alone.) Though what I thought when I heard this song was that it might fit him with the meaning of him letting nothing bother him.

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𝕀𝕫𝕦𝕞𝕚 𝕂𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕜𝕒

💙 Alaska by Elif 💙

Sometimes I’m thinking, I’m going insane like everyone else / They said I’d be going nuts and yeah, I’m starting to believe them / -7°C, I’m walking through the city park by myself / The down jacket is keeping me warm, but in my heart, there’s Alaska /

I don’t know what love is / No matter how much of it I get, I need more of it / It’s tearing me apart on the inside / When I, once again, don’t know where I’ll be getting it from / Even my therapist says, he doesn’t know any further / My dark side, it’s stronger than the good one / My youth was poisened, the future is uncertain / It is how it is yeah, it is how it is /

💙 Godsent by Smash Into Pieces 💙

I used to share, I used to care / The good in me is gone I'm bad / I used to give, I used to feel / The things you did will never heal / Take a look at me now / See what I've become / I will no longer feed the machine / Can't control the monster in me, no / The way that I feel / Makes it harder to breathe / When I'm thinking about you / The monster is real /

This makes me think of her in the Port Mafia.

💙 Boomerang by Smash Into Pieces 💙

I've been gone for a while now / But only to gain my power / I've been fighting my demons / And I'm back up on my feet (and now) / The harder you fall down / The stronger you come back later / Now I feel like an army / And I've only just begun /

This one in turn makes me think of her in the Agency.

💙 Circles (제자리) by G.Soul 💙

Oh, we know the ending / No matter how you escape / Here again / Always come back to me / Back again / Eventually / Here again / Why is it so hard to leave? / Here again / We always stay here […] / Answer me, I don’t know, no / Just don’t know / You’re getting stuck / Forever / Oh, we know the ending / No matter how you escape / Here again /

This makes me think of what Kouyou (I hope I am remembering her name correctly) was saying about her as a flower of darkness, as she was kind of turning in circles (no pun intended)–between wanting to be in the light and “accepting” that she only belongs into the darkness–at the beginning before she finally joined the Agency.

💙 Excuses (변명) by G.Soul 💙

I told you not to be too good to me / That it would make it too hard on you / No matter what you say now / I don’t hear a word of it […] / Even though I may be making a mistake / Even though I may regret this as time goes on / Baby, I think that we should just end it here now /

Even though the song in total has a different vibe (and story lmao), these parts of the lyrics makes me think of Kyouka telling Atsushi that there is no saving her, and that the light is no place for her (directly after saving her from the Port Mafia). It kinda makes me think of the part, specifically, where Atsushi suggests going on a “date” and at the end of it, Kyouka wants the last place they go to to be the police station.

.

𝔻𝕒𝕫𝕒𝕚 & 𝔸𝕥𝕤𝕦𝕤𝕙𝕚

💙 Sing To Me by Missio 💙

Somehow I got nominated as a king of sadness / Got so much I know that I could even feed the birds / And that's why / I prayed, I prayed, God sent me right to voicemail / It's like, all day my vanity is for sale / Take it away, my head is in my own hell /

Sing to me, I am not doing well / Getting tired of my own words / Sing to me 'cause I can't hear myself / Through the loudness of my own hurts / Call me selfish when I say this, say this / I'm kinda helpless, and I need you / Sing to me 'cause I'm not doing well /

Somebody told me that there's two sides to this life / I think I might've chosen darkness over light /

These two are two sides of the same coin, but no side is brighter than the other. I feel like they are kind of mirroring each other in the way they feel about themselves, which is why these lyrics mirror both of them towards each other as both are in need of salvation as they’re drowning in their own minds. Dazai is just better at hiding it from Atsushi.

💙 Namae wo yobu yo (Call A Name) by Luck Life (Season 1 Ending) 💙

I was searching / For the reason I’m able to remain as myself / If there’s a version of me / That exists within your heart / That even amid the darkness on this long, hilly road / I feel I can become a new me / Able to make my way through / So that each of us, walking our individual moments, can keep on smiling / So that we can keep moving forward, exploring the meaning of life together / I’ll call out a name / Your name / So that you can remain who you are /

Technically, lyrically it’s the entirety of the song, but I will not write down all of it lmao And it’s the Atsushi and Dazai parallels here again. It’s not just the ending with the animation that shows it for me, but the lyrics reflect both of them in them as well. I absolutely loved this ending. I never ship characters as I do not care about that, but I really love these two (separately)~ (What they mean for each other aka what they might mean for each other in the future [peace of mind/finding worth for Atsushi, and a reason to live for Dazai, etc.], how they’re already helping each other [Dazai helping Atsushi with feeling worthless, and Dazai finding a bit of piece of mind], etc. etc. etc.) I haven’t loved 2 characters in an anime as much as this in quite a long time (The last time was Kougami and Akane in Psycho Pass) as I find making up characters as complex as them and make them fit together as well as them/make them complement each other/balance each other out is actually pretty hard to do really well.

.

Making up this list took waaaaay longer than it should’ve. (I did not include Katai because I couldn’t think of a single song for him, sorry.)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #367

“i should warn you that you may fuck me, but chances are i’m gonna fuck you over”

Where was the last place you went for vacation? The beach. When was the last time you wore makeup? Halloween. Do you watch soaps or drama series? If so, which ones? Not currently. What’s your favourite tomato variety? I hate tomatoes. What was your very first pet like? Dad had a dog named Trigger when I was born, but I have no memory of her, so I'm excluding her. I consider our first family pet to be Chance, a cat my mom took in after finding her literally in the trash. She was... god, incredible. She was a loyal friend, and I can imagine no greater mother than she was (she legit fought off a rottweiler head-on to protect her kittens). She was so smart, so gentle, and just simply amazing. I'll always miss her. What was the best school project you remember doing? Looking back, despite the fact it TERRIFIED me before, that would be my senior project presentation. It was about snake misconceptions and fallacies, so I made a slideshow to present to the special ed class. I made drawings for them to color, word searches, all that kind of stuff. They were just the sweetest and seemed really into it. What’s your favourite type of fish to eat? None. What kind of an old person do you think you’ll become? I really... don't like thinking about this. Like I'm weak enough now at 25, I can't imagine how my, say, 60s would be. I hope and just about pray that my physical health will improve, but I'm just going to exclude that part entirely from this answer. Personality-wise and such, I have a feeling I'll be the quiet and sweet kind, the one that loves her (hopeful) spouse like crazy, and comes most alive on Halloween if I live in a place where children come trick-or-treating. I imagine I would LOVE that. I'd love to be the type that goes on morning jogs to help stay spry. Which well-known person’s death shocked you the most, if any? Steve Irwin and Chester Bennington might be tied. Both were so, so sudden. Steve was like, invincible to my childhood eyes, and when I heard about Chester's death, I thought it was just a sick rumor. Two amazing people that died way too soon. What’s the craziest colour you’d dye your hair? That would depend on personal opinions. I want to dye my hair LOTS of colors though, if that tells you anything. What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus. It's a pretty short game if you know what you're doing, and it's super relaxing to me and just so goddamn pretty to look at. Every time I've played it has just been a pleasant experience. Do you like meatloaf? Yeah, it's fine. How about Meatloaf? I know who he is, but I've never really listened to his music. Do you take time to do charitable work? If so, what do you do? No. ;_; Especially with all the free time I have, I really should... What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Okay, don't ask, but if I for a SECOND see that commercial of Mr. Clean dancing while he's cleaning, I will die because of memories. What is something you hope you will never inherit from a specific relative? Diabetes. It runs heavily in my family. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name: The Human Centipede. No. Thank you. Have you ever played in a stack of hay bales? No. What’s your dearest souvenir? The stuffed moose I got at Cabela's during a visit to Ohio. I named him Brownie, and he was my "childhood plushie" we all have. Is there a lot of graffiti around your neighbourhood? Not in the actual area I live in, but there are DEFINITELY places where it's a pigsty of distasteful shit. Have you ever made your own soda? (Soda Stream doesn’t count!) No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Have you ever been part of a theater group? No, that stuff doesn't interest me. What’s the most ecological thing you do? We recycle, and I also use metal straws. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. There is no fucking way I could do it. What’s your favourite board game? Why do you like it best? I like Clue just because of the mystery-solving factor, and I think it's kinda cool how you can think ahead and use other's findings to your own advantage to win the game pretty early. Besides English, what other languages can you speak? Some German. It's gotten pretty weak with neglect, though. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you’ve been? This is a complicated answer that I just don't feel like elaborating on. What’s the most freeing thing you’ve ever done? Letting Jason go. Have you ever had a restaurant dish that was made with bugs? If not, would you even want to try one? No, and I'm not interested. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? Honeysuckles. What has been your worst restaurant experience? Well, it's a fast food restaurant, but lemme tell you about my vegetarian encounter with Burger King. I ordered their veggie burger. Which they have. It's not a secret. These idiots gave me a bun with tomato and lettuce, and I think mayo on it, after sounding confused when Mom was ordering for me. Mom went back in there of course to tell them, and oh god was the manager pissed, lol. I got my veggie burger in the end. What’s the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? Some sexually inappropriate jokes can still get me sadly, lol. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? Not literally, but boy do I think depression counts. Do you ever compare your life to somebody else’s? If so, why? Y E P. I can't tell you why, I just... do it. I look at other's successes and am just like, "Why aren't I there yet?", and beat myself up about being a failure. What is a food item or a dish you absolutely cannot stand? Brussel sprouts, asparagus, runny eggs, many other things because I'm just mega picky. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? Just the spray paint kind that vendors like to do at the beach and stuff. I don't remember any I got, though. What does your favourite mug look like? It's black with a Markiplier quote on it, given to me by Sara. :') Do you ever read other people’s survey answers? Yeah! Friends', anyway. I love learning all the obscure things about them. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, specifically early morning, because it's better for my depression. Are you more comfortable as a leader or a follower? A follower that isn't afraid to speak up when I'm really against something. What is your favourite song right now at this very moment? I've been really into "7empest" by Tool lately, and the synthwave edit of "Voices" by Motionless In White. If you watched The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, who was your favourite character? I don't remember it well, but I think I liked the butler. Was there even a butler? Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') Do you have any plants in your home? No. If you wear makeup, what’s the most outrageous colour you use? I only ever use black. What was the last photograph you took? My cat being adorable while sleeping. <3 Have you ever submitted a video to Funniest Home Videos? No. What was the first sport you learned how to play? I want to say soccer? I absolutely hated it. Do you have a headache at the moment? Yes, actually. I've really been attacked by the Covid shot side effects. Are your parents still together? No, thank god. What was the last hot food you ate? I made a chicken and I think pesto (some Italian noodles, idk) Healthy Choice bowl for dinner last night. Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No. :( Do you ever feel afraid people will question your sanity? I'm sure people have before, and back then? Rightfully so. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? Never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? Always. It's so weird how it's gotten worse with time since leaving school, even though I write... Were you a straight A student in math? Yeah, no. I usually got Bs or Cs. What is your favorite shade of yellow? Pastel. I don't really like yellow. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Have a stable job. Are you afraid of getting yelled at? YES. Do you feel a connection to the moon? It's not something I think about, so not really, but I do believe all things in the universe are connected in some way. We are simply a part of nature, as all else is. What does your heart long for? Contentment in who I am and where I am in life. I know I also miss being in love. Do you know what your purpose in life is? We have no innate purpose; we make our own, and I want mine to be to show others that there is always hope for yourself in yourself, and also to spread the message of love of all animals. Did you decorate a pumpkin this year? Last year I didn't. I really should change that this go around. Have you ever seen a fox? Yes! They're a kind of rare sight here sadly, so when I had the opportunity to photograph a fox tragically as roadkill, it was a photographic experience I won't forget. God, I wanted to pet it (I obviously didn't), but I did talk to it about how beautiful (s)he was as I got some shots. I never had a harder time leaving one of those angels I've taken pictures of. Do you find Halloween fun or scary? FUN!!!!!! Is there anything about Halloween you find offensive? Not at all. What do the trees look like where you live? I mean, there's a variety, but the staple that you see literally everywhere are pine trees. What is your dream vacation? Somewhere with mountains, clear lakes, cool weather, beautiful and various wildlife... What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? The zoo in the 5th grade. It was the one occasion I got to see meerkats. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? I lived for them. Do you find museums boring or interesting? I find science museums to be very, very fascinating. Art ones are great, too. What are three issues you are passionate about? LGBT rights, the pro-choice movement, and wildlife conservation, to name a few. Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? No. I'm not patriotic enough at all. What size is your bed? Queen. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? When we were experimenting with my Klonopin dosage, I learned that 3mg was enough to knock me on my ASS. Do you like bath bombs? I mean they're pretty, but I wouldn't waste money on 'em. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? Yikes, a looooooot. But this also depends on what you think qualifies as "small." Most of my favorite "small" YTers are tarantula keepers or sub-1M let's players. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? Markiplier obviously, Snake Discovery, Good Mythical Morning (even if I don't watch them anymore, they are veeery dear to my heart and I will always support them), Sam & Colby... Again, there's a lot. When you don't watch TV and YT instead, you really get attached to a lot of them. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Would you believe me if I said Pussycat Dolls? haha Do you like Disney movies? Um, DUH. Were you ever in the popular crowd? No. Have you ever used an outhouse? UGH, at like childhood sports games, yes. I could NEVER nowadays, oh my god. Could you possibly write a successful novel? I think I have the creativity to, but not the dedication. Are there any foods that make you gag? Beans, for one. I just canNOT with them. It's a completely involuntary reaction. Have you ever had blonde highlights in your hair? I think I did? Who was the last person you video-chatted with? The lady who was seeing if I qualified for TMS therapy. Do you think sleeve tattoos look trashy? Definitely not, I love those. If you had to get a portrait tattoo, who would it be of? I don't actually want one, but if I did, I'd go to a serious professional to get THE Darkiplier smile. :') If u know u know. Do you have any stickers on any of your electronic devices? No. Do you think half blonde/half dark brown hair is attractive? It looks great on some people, but it's not my favorite combo.

[usagichanp]

lexthan

*rubs hands together* I was hoping someone would ask me that

This is gonna be a long one folks.

General:

Rate the Ship -  

Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - Life long partners, babey.

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - I think they had crushes on each other for a while. They didn't officially say "I love you" till a few months into their relationship, but they thought it sooner.

How was their first kiss? - I wrote a lesbian Lexthan version of their first kiss, though I don't think canon Lexthan's first kiss was like that. I imagine it to be not really planned out; just like they're talking to each other in the car and lock eyes, then slowly lean in and kiss. Since they've had kisses before, it's not a catastrophe, and it's actually fairly soft.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Ethan. Wrote a whole ass fic about it.

Who is the best man/men? - I know who the best man is in my fics (it's my man Marsh, for those who have read it), but idk about the canon Ethan's best man. Maybe Danny (the Smoke Club Boy) but I'm not sure if they'd be friends enough to be his best man. He might not have one.

Who is the bride's maid? - Hannah. Duh.

Who did the most planning? - Ethan, but Lex chipped in too. Tom might help as well if asked lol

Who stressed the most? - Ethan. Though their ceremony isn't big, he still wanted it to be a good memory down the road (it was)

How fancy was the ceremony? -

Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

First they had just a courthouse wedding where they signed the papers, then had a tiny wedding ceremony with only close friends. Even if they could afford a proper wedding (Canon Lexthan prolly couldn't afford it) I don't think they'd want a big affair anyways. It's be exhausting.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Lex's mom. Obviously.

Sex:

Now we're getting to the good part lads

Who is on top? - Ethan is a fucking switch. You can't convince me otherwise. He tops maybe like... 60/40 or 65/35. But when Lex tops, she tops bitch.

Who is the one to instigate things? - Ethan likes instigating things since he's a horny teenage boy, but it Lex doesn't want to, he stops. Sometimes Lex instigates, but usually when she does she's in the mood to top.

How healthy is their sex life? -

Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

I'd give it a 7.5, depending on the situation. While they try to tone it down around Hannah, when they have alone time they'd totally go for it. Ethan's glovebox in his car has a box of condoms in it at all times. What can I say, as I said before, they're horny teenagers

How kinky are they? -

Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

They don't like seeing each other hurt so they wouldn't like BDSM. They're not vanilla but nothing too crazy- blindfolding, light bondage (aka tying hands up with rope or cloth), scratching, light spanking, pegging

How long do they usually last? - It depends on how much time they have to have sex. They've done quickies in bathrooms or whatever before, but if they have all night then they're pretty good at prolonging it.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Absolutely. It is said in multiple fics (I think?) of mine that Ethan makes sure Lex has the same amount of orgasms as he does. Always.

How rough are they in bed? -

Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

They certainly can have slow, soft, romantic sex, but Ethan is also 100% capable of rocking Lex's world so hard she can't walk right for a week. (That happens in my first fic, Cassieopia, albeit off screen)

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? -

No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

1) I fucking love that metaphor 2) They don't get much physical affection at home, so they fucking love snuggling and cuddling- whether it be after sex or just hanging out. Sometimes they cuddle as a form of stress relief after a shitty day.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - 2, maybe 3.

How many children will they adopt? - I think they might prefer to have children naturally, but in my California series they gain custody of Hannah when she's 12. Does that count?

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Lex forces Ethan to learn how to change diapers. That being said, Lex isn't half bad at changing them either, since she helped change Hannah's when she was a child.

Who is the stricter parent? - They're not exactly strict parents, but both Lex and Ethan can definitely scold the kid. ("hAnNaH! tHaT bEtTeR bE fUcKiNg fLoSs!!!!!") That being said, both take care to not be abusive to their child, especially Lex. She doesn't want to be like her mom, so she tries to keep her temper in check.

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Ethan has good reflexes, and has stopped his kids from falling and hitting their chin on a playground structure more than once. (Fun fact! That happened to me when I was 3. I fell from a steel elephant shaped jungle gym at a German zoo, hit my chin on a steel bar, and bit through my lower lip/knocked 3 teeth out. I still have the scar years later lol)

Who remembers to pack their lunches? - Lex. Though the lunches aren't always the healthiest.

Who is the more loved parent? - I think they're both loved, but maaaaaybe Ethan a bit more.

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - Neither would attend PTA meetings out of the goodness of their hearts. If Lex or Ethan would go to a PTA meeting, it'd most likely be because they wanted to yell at a teacher or principal. They might go seperately or together depending on the severity of the issue.

Who cried the most at graduation? - Ethan wouldn't admit he cried, but he did. So did Lex.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Oh bitch, Lex and Ethan both said fuck the law. If it was just like, an overnight jail cell for some stupid misdemeanor, they might try to break their kid out. Otherwise, Lex would probably the one paying the bail because Ethan would try to punch the cop in the face if the cop talked shit about Ethan's kid. That reaction is not exclusive to cops.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Neither of them are exactly 5 star chefs, but they can hold on their own. Lex is better at cooking breakfast and Ethan is better at cooking dinner- but if he's exhuasted from work, Lex can cook dinner for him.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Neither are picky. Both of them grew up young scrappy and hungry just like their country without really the chance to be picky. They had to take what they could get.

Who does the grocery shopping? - Lex. She's good at calculating totals in her head. I wrote that in an unrealeased fic.

How often do they bake desserts? - Rather rarely. Perhaps on special occasions or to bond. Ethan has ruined the kitchen with his kid trying to bake a cake for Lex at least once. Maybe more.

Are they more of a meat lover or salad lover? - Meat lovers, babey. Fuck that fancy plant bullshit.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Ethan. I wrote that in the proposal fic.

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Depends on what you count as "going out". Lex likes going to McDonalds, but Ethan is the one who suggests eating at actual restaurants.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Ethan, but both have had near misses.

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - Both had fairly messy rooms as teenagers so they're not super anal about having sparkling clean rooms. That being said, when someone comes over Lex does try to tidy the place up a bit. At least enough to make it seem like they have their shit together. Ish.

Who is really against chores? - Ethan can be a bit of a lazy bones sometimes, but Lex isn't exactly a huge fan of chores either. However, she is used to doing chores since she practically raised herself and Hannah.

Who cleans up after the pets? - They take turns. Both hate it.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Ethan, because he doesn't want to incur Lex's wrath.

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Lex. As I said above, she actually actively cleans the house beforehand. Not to the level of that freaking out mom from the comedy video who's name I can't remember tho.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Ethan. He has a nack for finding random bits of money. Score.

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Lex, though both take relatively quick showers to save water.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - They actually like doing it together. It's nice to get some fresh air, and they enjoy each other's company.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Ethan goes over the top, partially to annoy Lex. You know that Christmas tree Chris Pine vine? Yeah, Ethan would fucking do that.

What are their goals for the relationship? - Live a better life together than they did in Hatchetfield. White picket fence and California dreams shit.

Who is more likely to sleep till noon? - Ethan, but Lex is known to sleep till 3 in the afternoon if she's really tired.

Who plays the most pranks? - Ethan. That's literally canon.

I can babble about them all day lol

[evalinkatrineberg]

C5 - The Ball

A/N: Just shy of 19k words of Evalin being Evalin. Includes RPs with @ladyreggiewright @arin-schreave @hugo-stanton @clemencewestley and @idaliamoretti . Potential TW for the last italicized section at the end, for non-consensual kissing. ALSO I wrote one of Evalin’s thoughts before the official Theo reveal, and decided to keep it in for shits and giggles lmao

My parents picked up the FaceTime call on the first ring, their heads smushed together as they bickered over where the best spot to place their phone was, in order for me to see everyone that was there. It had been a family tradition for as long as I could remember to have a backyard barbecue on Illéan Independence Day. Normally, it was a pretty large gathering, including our family, some of the neighbors, some of my parents’ coworkers, and their families, leaving little space to walk or even sit in our average sized backyard.

From what I could see as my parents backed away from the phone, however, the event was a lot smaller this year - just my family, and June’s. Not that it seemed like anyone was complaining about that, but it did raise some questions in my own mind, especially when I considered the phone call my father had made to me at two in the morning a few weeks ago. Even Lukas had said that things were getting bad there.

I could see what he meant. It was as if none of my father’s coworkers were speaking to him anymore.

Nonetheless, I forced a smile on to my face, holding the flute of champagne Grace had had delivered to my room in the air, so that everyone gathered in my backyard in Carolina could see it. “I’m afraid I don’t have much time,” I admitted, feeling Julia tug at my hair with a towel, finishing up drying my curls before beginning to style them, “but I absolutely refused to miss the annual toast.”

“Of course,” Gabriel stated, holding the beer in his hand aloft from the Adirondack chair in which he sat. “Cheers, Ev.”

“Cheers,” I echoed alongside the rest of my family, taking about three sips of champagne before setting the flute back down on my desk. I had practically had to beg Grace to bring it up for me, spending all of forty-five minutes explaining and emphasizing just how important this family tradition was to not only me, but to my parents and siblings as well. In the end, she had relented, though Julia had grumbled about it until the bitter end.

“I wish I was there, with you,” June called through the screen, shaking her head, her dark curls bouncing against her cheeks. “Do me a favor, and find a cute man tonight, and send him my way. The guys around here just aren’t cutting it anymore.”

I laughed, assuring her, “I’ll do my best,” though I wasn’t entirely sure how many people were going to be in attendance at the ball tonight. There were the German royals, the Italian royals, and the Illean royals, of course, along with the Grahams and Wylan Caldwell, but beyond that, all I had been told was vague terms like, “palace staff,” and, “notable individuals,” which meant next to nothing to me. Maybe more specifics had been given, but I had been too focused on online classes, which had also started up this week, to pay close attention to them.

“Speaking of men,” Lydia began, setting her beer down on the brick patio beneath her chair, “has His Royal Asshole been on better behavior since we last spoke about him?”

Behind me, Julia made a noise that sounded like she was screaming with her mouth closed as she parted my hair with a fine toothed comb. I laughed, partially at the sound that Julia had made, but also at my sister’s nickname for Arin, which didn’t appear to be going out of use anytime soon.

“He’s been a good deal better, actually,” I replied, taking a few more sips of champagne. “He took me to the ballet a couple of weeks ago, and -” And we cozied up on the floor together. And we actually talked without arguing. And he called me stunning and adorable. I shook my head, feeling the color rising to my cheeks already. “It was good.”

“Just good?” Lydia raised her eyebrows, picking her beer back up and taking a long drink, glaring at the phone she was looking at me through.

It had been more than good, but I didn’t want to divulge the details of the date in front of my parents. My mother might have a fit if she found out that I had sat on the floor, even if it was within the walls of a private box. “I’ll tell you more another time,” I assured her, “but if I don’t hurry, I am going to be late.”

After a few quick goodbyes, I closed my laptop, allowing Julia to finish up on my hair, and Christina to finish up on my makeup. The dress they had had made for tonight was black, and fit me like a glove, ending with a little slit in the side down by my mid-calf. It came complete with a cape of gossamer silk, little strands of silver woven in, almost like the seamstress that had made this dress had plucked the stars from the sky to do so. I had been a little apprehensive about the cape at first, insistent that in combination with the high heeled shoes I would have to wear, it would almost certainly lead to me tripping and falling at some point, or possibly even rip the cape. However, Julia had reassured me that it would be fine, and I was in no shape to argue with her about it.

The start of the online semester had somehow made my sleep schedule even worse. At this point, I was surviving almost solely off of caffeine and sheer willpower. At the very least, the work kept me distracted, which meant I had less time to overthink that I was doing here. However, the increased workload had prevented me from seeing Arin since the ballet. Even at Wylan’s party, I had only been able to pop in for all of a few minutes, which I had spent chatting with Itzel. That had only been the week that the pre-semester work had been due. Now, with the real semester in full swing, in combination with our lessons here, and the recent slough of visiting foreign dignitaries, I was swamped. I’d actually fallen asleep in the library more than once, much to my own embarrassment. Luckily, I didn’t think anybody had noticed it, yet.

Tonight’s ball was a welcome reprieve from the work, though. I finished the last of the champagne, checking my reflection in the mirror one last time before turning towards the door, satisfied with what I had seen. Some days, I almost didn’t recognize the person I saw in the mirror. She stood with a straighter back, and a head held higher than the Evalin I had used to see in the mirror. My reflection even moved with a level of grace that I had not previously thought I’d possessed. The lessons we were getting here were really paying off, both inside and outside of the classroom.

I kept to myself as I walked down the hallway, speaking almost exclusively to the personal guard that had been assigned to escort me into the large hall where dinner was to be taking place. The meal itself flew by quickly, beginning with the presentation of the foreign royals, and then the Illean royals, and ending with everyone being ushered into the Grand Hall, which was decked out in gauzy strips of fabric and light colors, dousing the room in every color under the sun. I stared at it, wide eyed as I walked in spinning in a small circle to make sure I didn’t miss a single detail. Whoever had put this together must have spent hours planning and decorating. I wished there was some way I could pass my compliments on to them, because they deserved it.

With that, the dancing begun, a full orchestra playing a mix of fast songs, waltzes, and instrumental versions of more modern songs. I allowed myself to be swept up in it all, dancing with whoever was closest to me at the moment. After a lifetime of keeping myself so put together, so set in my rigid routine, it felt nice to just be able to let go of all that for a few hours, my only concern whether or not I could prevent myself from stepping on the feet of whoever was spinning me in circles at the moment.

After a handful of numbers, I made my way back to the edge of the crowd, needing a few seconds, at the very least, just to catch my breath, and get my bearings. Everyone here was dressed to the nines, having gone just as all out as I had. Though, I hadn’t seen anybody else with a cape, yet. Julia had proven herself to be right once again - the risk of falling had been worth the reward of standing out.

I stopped by one of the tables, grabbing another glass of champagne. There were other drinks laid out, their colors varying from vibrant shades of pink to pale hues of teal, but in this instance, I decided it was best to stick to what I knew and recognized. It had been a while since I had drank in a party environment, and I wasn’t about to go wild in front of a bunch of, “notable individuals.” That Evalin had to stay back in Knoxville for now, at least, maybe even permanently, depending on how the remainder of the Selection went.

Being so close to the Elite had me a bit nervous. I had come so far; it would almost hurt to be sent home now. My relationship with Arin was solid - I was confident in that, at least - but that wasn’t to say that other girls had had similar experiences to mine with him. From the rumors Christina attempted to feed me while I was studying, he had grown close with both Jen and Clemence around the same time he and I had begun to grown close. Leana’s name was thrown around quite a bit as well. Still, together, we only made up four of the twelve remaining girls. There were eight others that he could have been more secretive in seeing.

It had been three weeks since Alaina and Saxon had been sent home. We were due for another elimination, soon.

It was then that I laid eyes on Reggie, watching the dancers in the center of the room from where she stood by one of the tables, sipping on a glass of champagne. It had been months since I’d last been able to have a solid conversation with her, when I had leant her my ecology book. We’d seen each other in passing, but these days,  all of us were so wrapped up in other exploits that it was rare to be able to get in more than a few words to each other.

Tonight, though, we had nothing but time. “Hello, Reggie!” I called out as I walked up to her. “How are you?”

Blinking a couple of times, as if I had just woken her from a stupor, she shifted her weight from one leg to the other and rolled her shoulders back. She smiled as she looked over at me, one corner of her mouth slightly higher than the other, giving me a short nod by way of greeting. “Evalin. Ça va?” Evalin. How are you.

“Ça va bien,” I answered, blinking a few times as I wracked my brain to remember the French I had continued studying on the side. I am well. It had definitely taken a backseat these past few weeks, though. Coming to a stop besides Reggie, I gestured out towards the party, fighting to find the right words through the mild haze of alcohol beginning to take a hold on me. “Um, aimez-vous cela?” Are you enjoying this? At least, that was what I hoped I had asked her.

Reggie opened her mouth, and I braced myself to receive corrections on my grammar or pronunciation. I deserved it, honestly, for not giving the language the attention it deserved, but Reggie stopped herself, smiling and shaking her head before taking another sip of champagne. “I’m enjoying myself, thank you. So are you, it seems,” she finished, raising an eyebrow at me.

“A bit,” I laughed, still a little breathless and flushed from dancing. “You look amazing, by the way! I love your dress!”

“Can’t take the credit for it.” She looked down at her dress briefly before meeting my gaze again, offering me a close lipped smile. Her face lit up every time she smiled, though I wasn’t sure she realized it. It was a good look on her.

She frowned as she took in my own ensemble, though. “There’s a cape.”

“I know!” I giggled a bit, grinning from ear to ear. “I thought the cape would be a recipe for disaster at first, but it’s been fine so far.” I hadn’t tripped over it yet, and nobody had stepped on it while we were dancing, either. It was nothing short of a miracle, though in this room, right now, it truly felt like anything could happen. I’d never felt such a sense of magic in the air, even in those happy moments with Arin on the floor of the theater. That had been magical, but in a different sense of the word.

I hoped we’d be able to recreate some of that magic again tonight. It had been so long since I’d last seen him, since he’d complimented me, and shown me that he did care about me, even if it wasn’t love yet. It was something, as he would say, and I was willing to take it from there.

I took another sip of champagne. “So, have you left the side of the room at all yet?”

“I have,” she answered with a solemn nod. “I went to the bathroom.”

I was really glad I had swallowed my champagne before she had answered. The laughter now emitting from my body had already nearly caused me to double over, and might have caused the champagne to come out of my nose. I couldn’t decide whether or not that’d be worse than getting another nosebleed.

When I straightened back up, Reggie was looking at me, her eyes almost imperceptibly wider than usual. “Oh, I haven’t danced yet, if that’s what you meant.”

I turned my head towards her, offering her a smile. “Why not?” She was an absolutely gorgeous girl, and there were plenty of eligible men here looking for a dance partner. She’d have no trouble getting someone to dance with her, if she tried.

“I don’t think I’d make a good impression if I’d attempt it,” she admitted, taking another sip of champagne as she inclined her head towards some officials, and the visiting royalty from Germany and Italy.

“You can’t be as bad as me.” I’d always had two left feet. I still sort of did, though the lessons here had definitely helped a bit, as I’d noticed earlier. I shook my head a little, still smiling as I continued, “Besides, I think everyone is too caught up in their own dancing and chatting to notice one or two uncoordinated people.” At least, I sure hoped so. That was one of the mantras I kept repeating in my head as I danced. That, and that the earlier dances were a warmup, so I wouldn’t step on the feet of the people who mattered later. I wasn’t entirely sure that the theory behind the latter statement would hold up, but it was a nice thought, at least.

Reggie bit her lip. “I’ll take it into consideration.” Then, pursing her lips, she glanced at me out of the corner of her eyes. “Any hopes for a dance partner for the evening?”

I felt my face grow ever redder, and averted my gaze to the floor, hoping Reggie wouldn’t notice. “I was planning on asking Arin, later, maybe, but I’m not sure. I might make too much of a fool of myself, in that scenario.” The last part was more or less a mumble let out under my breath. Arin was one of the only people here I actually wanted to dance with, if I was being completely honest. I had missed talking to him these past few weeks - even bickering with him. I might be eternally confused by the way he made me feel, but there was no denying that it was nice to have his attention every once and awhile, and it had definitely been a while.

I looked up at Reggie again, realizing that her name hadn’t come up often in Christina’s gossip. That was odd, considering that if any of the girls here were ready to run a country, and do it well, it would be Reggie. There was no question in my mind. So, why was Arin avoiding her, then? Or, was she avoiding him?

“What about you?” I asked, hoping her answer might reveal something.

I could’ve sworn I saw her cheeks turn pink as the question left my mouth, but I supposed I must’ve been mistaken, because she simply inclined her head towards me and asked, “You’re not sure?”

My blush deepened, if that was even possible at this point. I was likely redder than a tomato. “I would probably accidentally step on his feet,” I mumbled.

“Yes,” she replied, an amused smile flickering across her face. “that would be quite unfortunate.”

Indeed. Thanks for the reassurance, Reggie!

When I looked over at her again, she was frowning. “Are you alright?”

I furrowed my brows. “Yeah, why?” Had I voiced my thoughts aloud? I hoped not. They hadn’t exactly been the nicest words to ever have crossed through my mind. It wasn’t Reggie’s fault that I couldn’t dance, though, and I shouldn’t take my own frustrations out on her. She had done nothing to deserve that.

“Never mind.” She shook her head, turning her attention back to the people dancing in the center of the room. They spun around each other, a mass of couples smiling and laughing, just enjoying the night. That could be you and Arin, if you just sucked up your pride and asked him. I wasn’t nervous that he’d say no, but rather that he’d say yes, and then be miserable the entire time. Neither the guests, nor the cameras lining the wall, needed to bear witness to that.

“With formal dancing, you can follow Arin’s lead, I’m sure,” Reggie instructed, glancing over at me briefly with a smile on her face. “It’s usually best not to look at your feet, however, even if it’s tempting.”

“Right.” Maybe that was what I had been doing wrong. Looking at my feet had seemed like the easiest way to prevent myself from stepping on my partners feet. I flashed Reggie a small, close lipped smile, before turning back to the crowd before us. “I’ve truly never seen anything like this. It’s incredible.”

“Very,” she replied, nodding and smiling as she continued to watch the sea of people in the center of the room. The crowd seemed to be growing larger with each passing second, more couples leaving their tables and refreshments to join the fray. “I admit I haven't celebrated Illéan Independence Day in any way close to this either.”

I laughed, shaking my head. That was quite the understatement. “Me neither. We’d normally just have a barbecue, and maybe invite the neighbors and some friends over.” I turned my head to the side, looking at Reggie again. For someone who didn’t want to dance, she was utterly entranced by the people who were dancing. “Other than this -” I gestured towards the mob of people on the floor “- how have things been? I really haven’t had the chance to talk to you since we met in the library!”

“We haven't.” It seemed like she had just come to the realization herself, judging by her frown, and the shake of her head.  “I suppose things have been -” she smiled again, gesturing towards me “- busy, for both of us then. I'm sorry I still haven't returned your book. I almost finished it though.”

“Oh, no worries! I’m in no rush to get it back!” I assured her, smiling as I turned back to the crowd. The idea of a book club that had first popped into my head when I had met her came back again, except this time it included not only me and Reggie, but also Arin. Maybe Jen, too, since it would make sense that she liked to read, given the amount of reading she’d have to do for law school. I liked the image of the four of us, cozied up around a table, books in hand, just reading, completely at peace.

If only we had the time.

“There’s been so much going on recently, I’d honestly forgotten about it,” I mused.

She dragged her attention away from the dancers, raising an eyebrow at me. “I presume it wasn't just the French keeping you busy?”

I had to laugh. “Clearly not, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.” Then, with a shake of my head, I continued, “No, I’ve been doing other work in preparation for online classes, and then we had the proposal, and of course meeting and talking to people.” It had been a crazy couple of months, a whirlwind of activity sprinkled with flakes of fun.

With a nod, Reggie replied, “Online classes are definitely time consuming. Were you happy with how your project worked out?”

“For the most part, yes. What about you?” The truth of the matter was that I was pleased with my proposal, but I wished I had had more information for the logistics of how it might be implemented. I hoped that even if I didn’t end up being involved in politics when this was all said and done, somebody would still at least consider putting my proposal to use. There were so many brilliant people in lower castes, that deserved a shot at a career they’d excel in.

“I am, actually,” Reggie answered with an absent minded smile. “Hopefully they'll assign us another one -” she paused to take another sip of champagne, raising her shoulder slightly “-while I'm still here, of course.”

While she was still here? It almost sounded like she expected to be sent home soon. I couldn’t imagine being in the palace without Reggie. Even though we didn’t talk frequently, it was always nice to see her around, and she was such a constant presence at meals, and in lessons. Who else was going to ridicule me for missing breakfast to run, or using too many exclamation points while texting? There’d be a hole if she was gone, that I was sure I wouldn’t be the only one to feel.

We’d all grown kind of close lately. There were very few girls left that I hadn’t spoken with privately - just Nemesis, Brooke, and Tavi. I felt rather attached to all of them. If only there was some way that we could all stay here, even though only one of us could win Arin’s heart.

I hoped with every fiber of my being that I’d be the one to do just that. I got happy just thinking about talking to him. It was completely irrational and illogical, and went against all reason, but I couldn’t control the way that I felt. Yes, Arin was frustrating, confusing, a tad prickly, and easily upset. He had his flaws - we all did - but he was also caring, willing to listen, and, quite simply, kind. He didn’t push others to do what was too uncomfortable for them to bear, but was willing to help them if they wanted to push themselves out of their usual comfort zones. It was difficult not to want to love a man like that.

I hoped he knew I thought that of him.

I took another sip of champagne at the thought of anybody being sent home soon. “That’d be lovely. There’s so much more I’d like to do, and yet I get the sense that my days here are numbered.” I sighed, looking over the crowd. Much like Reggie, I had considered my own fragile position in this competition. While I felt like there was definitely something between Arin and I, I couldn’t deny that his advisors would probably push some of the other girls over me. What did I really have to bring to the table, after all, besides the ability to speak Swendish, and some killer organizational skills? I may have strong feelings for Arin, but that didn’t necessarily make me worthy of being the queen of a nation. That would take a different kind of person; one with more confidence, poise, and political savvy than I possessed.

So I had begun coming up with background plans. I was a biologist. It was near impossible to imagine my life outside of the Selection without the subject I had been passionate about for nearly all of my almost twenty-one years at this point. If Proctor was going to prevent me from working in labs or research centers in Illéa, then I’d set my sights across the ocean, in the country of my grandparents. Swendway. I’d submitted three transfer applications for the Spring of 2091 - one to the University of Stockholm, one to the University of Oslo, and one final one to the Arctic University of Tromsø. Nothing was set in stone. I likely wouldn’t even hear back from the universities until October or November, but it was still comforting to have a backup plan that wasn’t writing terrible travel brochures, just in case.

I hoped with all my heart that it wouldn’t come to that.

Reggie tilted her head to the side, frowning. “Care to elaborate?”

“It’s just with the recent eliminations, getting so close to the final ten,” I began, turning my head to look at Reggie again, “it’s starting to feel so much more real, you know? We’re not just flying under the radar, sliding through, anymore. We’ve got to be here still for a reason.”

“I'm aware, yes,” she responded, looking as if she was holding in a sigh, “though, I was under the impression you are still here for a reason.”

“Yes,” I began, nodding, “arguably the same reason we’re all here - to win. I just hadn’t expected to get this close. I’ve…” I trailed off, looking at her, trying to determine if she was annoyed by my carrying on. She simply maintained her same curious expression, however. “I’ve definitely learned a lot, just from being here, which I’m beyond grateful to have had the opportunity to do, but I’m not sure I’d be able to apply what I’ve learned to my old life, if I’m to go back to it.”

I wasn’t going back to Knoxville, to Proctor, to Lukas. I refused.

Pressing her lips together, she nodded, looking out over the crowd once more. “I think you will, if that's the case. Perhaps not directly in your lab work, yet these months hold experiences that go even further than work alone.” After a moment’s pause, she furrowed her brows, as if she was confused by her own words. Knowing that Reggie was just as much of a workaholic as I was, I couldn’t blame her. We were both the type to let out work and passions eat away at us until they consumed us whole, controlling out every waking thought and second of time. That wasn’t usually seen as a good thing, but a queen would need a strong work ethic, so I didn’t think it was an entirely terrible trait.

“Indeed. Do you ever think about it - what’s going to happen in the next few months?” I nodded as I took another sip of champagne. This was my third glass, counting the one I had toasted with my parents, and the one I had had at dinner. Maybe I needed to slow my roll. I was beginning to feel more pensive than usual, which was typical of me when I drank wine or champagne.

“I try, since I prefer to plan ahead. However all the things I had planned a couple months ago didn't go as expected either, so perhaps I shouldn't even attempt it.”

I nodded, understanding where she was coming from completely. “I feel the same way. There’s so many different paths this all could take, and there’s only so many occurrences I can plan for,” I finished with a nervous chuckle. Up until a few months ago, I had had my whole life planned out, at least in a vague manner. I was going to graduate college, get a job in a lab, researching potential cures for cancer, buy my own apartment, share said apartment with a dog and some small plants, meet the man of my dreams somewhere along the way, and start a family with him. Our children would watch the two of us grow old, seeing how much we loved each other, and knowing that we loved them just as much.

She raised an eyebrow at me, the corners of her lips twitching upwards ever so slightly. “And if you could plan it?”

That was a good question. There were two main paths my life could take from here. Either, I’d make it all the way, and end up becoming Arin’s wife, or I’d be sent packing at some point. Both paths had their own unique slough of interesting consequences. The former option would mean that I’d likely have to transfer to Angeles University and finish up my education there. I’d have to learn more about what being a princess, and eventually a queen, would entail. In addition, I’d likely also face some pressure to provide Arin with a heir. Hopefully I’d have a few years before people really started pestering me about that. I was just barely an adult myself - I wouldn’t know the first thing about caring for a child.

The latter option would entail first figuring out how to tell my parents that I would not be returning home, since I hadn’t even told them that I’d submitted transfer applications to Swendish universities. The only person I had even sort of confided that to had been Jen. Then, I’d have to get myself to Swendway, and likely find some living arrangements there, make some new friends and professional connections, and figure out how to move on with my life. Ideally, I’d like to still at least be friends with Arin, but I wasn’t entirely sure that’d be possible, at least not immediately. Even just the thought of him choosing someone else over me made my heart ache. I’d better get used to it, though, because statistically speaking, that was the more likely outcome.

Isn’t the prince of Swendway around your age? Maybe you could meet him and fall in love with him instead.

That’d be ironic, and highly unlikely.

I rolled my eyes at Reggie, flashing her a crooked smile. “Do you even have to ask?”

“I was simply not trying to presume anything, Evalin,” she answered, her voice betraying her amusement at the matter.

“Naturally,” I replied with a chuckle. “What if you could plan it - what would that look like?”

“I'd make use of the experience as much as possible, of course. Finish my studies,” she paused, straightening her spine, her voice alight with passion as she spoke, “and hopefully, come back, for a job.”

So her intention in coming here had been to open more doors for her professional life, then. I had to hand it to her, that was an incredibly well thought out plan, that had been an overwhelming success, if you asked me. “Hoping to be an advisor, then?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. Lord only knew that Arin, and likely his future wife, whoever she may be, would need as many of those as they could get.

I’ll give her the job for sure, if I win.

“Possibly.” She kept her tone casual as she looked out over the crowd. “Don't plan to apply for maid, at least.”

Had she just made a joke? I never thought I’d live to see the day! “I’d imagine,” I laughed out, lowering my voice before turning back to the crowd. “You’d be great at it, though. You truly are extremely knowledgeable, and think things over very logically, which is a useful skill.”

She lit up, a wide smile flickering across her face, before it faded back into her more common close-lipped smile. “Thank you.”

Smiling in return, I shook my head. “No need to thank me -” I elbowed her gently in the side “- thank yourself, and the hard work I’m sure you put into it.”

She blinked once as I pulled my elbow back to my side, a small smile playing on her lips as her eyes scanned the room again. They locked in on an important looking man in a suit, standing against the wall by himself. A government official of some sort, then? As I pondered who he might be, Reggie cleared her throat. “Speaking of which -” she pursed her lips “- Good luck tonight, Evalin. Remember to not look down at your feet; it won't help.”

I nodded. It was clear that regardless of who the guy across the room was, she wanted to talk to him. Time for me to return to dancing, then. “Yes, thank you.” With that, I began walking off into the crowd, finishing my glass of champagne and then looking over my shoulder at Reggie. “I’ll see you around, I hope?”

Nodding, she smiled. “Of course.”

I watched as she power walked across the room, impressed that she could do that in heels. My own feet were beginning to hurt, but I knew that I’d be able to ignore that as soon as I started dancing. Surprisingly, I had found that dancing was a lot like running. If I just focused on getting through the first few minutes, my body would go on autopilot, my mind emptying itself of all thoughts as I waltzed and reeled my way through song after song with partner after partner. Some of them were more interesting than others, and I made an effort to keep track of the names of the ones I rather enjoyed chatting and dancing with, but I was beginning to suspect that I wouldn’t remember many of them come morning.

Another song ended, and I curtsied to the man I had just finished up dancing with, laughing as I turned away, my cheeks aching with the size of my unfading smile. This night had truly been exactly the kind of break I had needed.

When I opened my eyes again as I finished laughing, I was greeted with the sight of a hand in front of me. I knew that hand. I had looked upon it often, as I sat on the floor of the Angeles Ballet’s theater, my head resting on his shoulder, and his head on mine. I felt my mouth form an o-shape, and I dragged my gaze upwards, only to be met with Arin’s smiling face.

I couldn’t tell whether my face felt hot from the champagne, or something else entirely.

“May I have this dance?”

Yes, sir. In fact, you can have all of my dances, if you want to.

I placed my hand in his, the same feeling of rightness I had felt that day in the theater washing over me like a wave. “Of course,” I answered with a smile.

He pulled me closer, leading me through the first few steps of the dance. My heart was beating so loudly in my ears that I almost couldn’t hear him as he asked. “How is your night so far?”

I could barely focus, being so close to him. All that champagne had been a bad idea. My walls were lowered, my inhibitions all but gone, and yet, I was kind of okay with it. I was vaguely aware of the fact that I had to be careful, though. I couldn’t kiss him, or anything of the sort, not with all the foreign dignitaries present. It was a damn shame. He looked pretty kissable tonight.

“Pretty good, I’d say,” I answered, already laughing as I planned my next joke. My head lifted upwards, my eyes meeting his as my laughter faded into an amused smile. He had such a nice face - nice to look at, and kind, at its very core. Although, I was pretty sure I only thought that second part because of the kindness he had been showing me, recently.“Warming up, so I don’t accidentally step on the feet of anybody important, you know? What about you?”

He just shrugged. “It hasn't been too bad- just a lot of making the rounds.”

The rounds? Did he mean with the Selected girls? Here I had been, thinking I was special.

Reminder: you really are a goddamned fool.

I didn’t think it was the increased jitteriness and nerves associated with sleep deprivation speaking, this time. Or maybe it was that, just in combination with a good bit of alcohol. Either way, I had questions, and I needed answers if I had any hope of sleeping tonight.

I raised an eyebrow at him, smirking a little. “Is that all this is to you, then?”

He blinked once, as if the question had caught him off guard. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have expected it. It had been a few weeks since we had talked, and he had just admitted to making rounds at this party. My question was the product of a logical conclusion I had drawn.

“I was actually taking a break from that, which is why I came over.”

“Good answer.” My eyes were completely lost in his face - his eyes, his lips, the way he was looking at me - as I chuckled. I had to keep talking, if only to prevent myself from doing something I’d live to regret later. So, lowering my voice, I added, “I’d hate to be just another box to check off on your to-do list.”

Not a lie. I wanted to mean something to him. I wanted him to love me.

I couldn’t force him to do that, though.

“Do I make you feel that way?” he asked, curiosity glimmering in his eyes before he looked around us, and then spun me.

I waited until after I was back in front of him to answer, too focused on keeping my balance as I spun to trust myself to talk without falling flat on my ass. Sure, he had fallen in front of me, but not surrounded by foreign royalty and the prominent political figures of Illéa. I kept my voice low as I spoke, just loud enough so that he could still hear me over the music. “Generally, you just kind of make me confused,” I answered honestly, shrugging, and still smiling at him.

He took a deep breath, something about it almost shaky to me. That mustn't have been the answer he’d wanted. Oops. “I seem to get that a lot. I'm working on being more clear.”

“Yes, you’ve told me as much before,” I said, giving him what I hoped was a reassuring smile as I recalled the time we had talked over bourbon in the hallway outside of the library. I wanted to let him know that his efforts weren’t going unnoticed. I saw him trying harder. We were kind of similar in that sense - both more willing to listen to other people’s thoughts and feelings, than to share secrets of our own. It was something we’d have to remedy, if we planned on pursuing this relationship. From what I knew, which admittedly, wasn’t much, good communication was the key to a successful, long-lasting relationship, and right now, Arin and I weren’t there. I hoped that we would be one day, though, sooner rather than later.

“I appreciate it. I’m sure I don’t make it easy either, with my constant questions, and my own -” I paused, trying to find the right word, “- omission of details in most of my answers. I guess it’s something we both have to work on, in a way,” I finished with a shrug.

A small frown crept down his face. “Are you okay, Ev? You seem a little bit off tonight.”

“Ev,” I repeated, my smile softening, my eye drifting down towards the floor to my side. A nickname. He had a fricking nickname for me. Nobody outside of my own family had bothered to give me a pet name, ever. The significance of that one syllable wasn’t lost on me.

“Oh!” My eyes snapped up, focusing on Arin again. Right, he had asked a question! “Yes, I’m good! Really enjoying myself, actually!” This is the best I’ve felt in the past few weeks. All my exhaustion, all my worries, all my plans for the potential futures in front of me were gone, tossed out the window as I looked at him. The couples around us faded into nothingness in my mind, the music itself even dimming out in my ears, until it was just me and Arin, dancing, close together.

“Are you sure?” He smiled, the appearance of it somewhere in between reassuring and concerned. “We can talk about it if you like.”

I wasn’t sure, if I was being honest. I was tired, I was stressed, and I was probably a tad overworked, though that wasn’t really an uncommon combination for me. On top of school, I still didn’t know why my father had called me at two in the morning his time all those weeks ago, or what Lukas had meant when he said things were getting bad back home. I had decided to forego the credit for my biochemistry lab, so I’d have to figure out how I would make that up at some point. I wasn’t sure what Proctor was up to, and the fact that she had been so quiet set me on edge. Lastly, I was nervous about where Arin and I stood in terms of our relationship, if we could even call it that. I knew how I felt, but his feelings were still entirely a mystery to me. I was losing sleep over it all. Most nights, I just laid in my bed for five hours, managing to sleep for maybe half of that time, until I just gave up, and went for my morning run. It wasn’t sustainable. It might help to confide in someone, about it all.

Here was my chance.

My smile faltered. Part of me still wanted to just brush off his concern and say that everything was fine, because he was already stressed enough about his own workload and problems regarding the Selection and politics. I absolutely did not want to add to that. At the same time, though, I had told him multiple times that I would appreciate him being more clear and open with me, and I’d be a complete hypocrite if I didn’t do the same thing in return.

“I’ve just been lost in thought a lot, lately. I -” I shook my head, averting my gaze to the ground the moment I heard my voice crack. I wouldn’t break down. Not here, not now, not yet. “I’d like to be more open, I think, but is this really the time and place?” I looked up at him again, trying my best to smile. Please don’t worry about me. I don’t want to put that on you. “Tonight has been a lot of fun, and you should get to enjoy it too, without having to hear about my problems, that probably aren’t even as big as I think they are anyway.” I hesitated for a moment, wondering if it was worth it to assuage even one of my worries, before taking a chance and adding, “Though, if I could ask you one question, maybe?”

He blinked, that same look of surprise flashing across his face yet again. “Yeah, of course.”

He was going to live to regret that answer. He probably wouldn’t even answer my question - or, in classic Arin fashion, he’d give me a non-answer. Still, if it meant I could sleep a little easier tonight, it would be worth it.

Here goes nothing. “Okay, you asked me how you made me feel, and I gave you my honest answer, but -” I took a deep breath, the sound of it shaky, my shoulders trembling slightly as they rose and fell, and looked up again to meet his eyes “- how do you feel about this?”

“I'm still figuring out my feelings.” His voice was quieter now, the deep breath he took a mirror image of my own. It wasn’t exactly a non-answer, but it wasn’t much of an answer, either. It changed nothing. At least he had been honest, though.

“I'm sorry if that's not the answer you wanted.”

I narrowed my eyes, offering him a small smile as I shook my head. “The only answer I wanted was the truth. I’d rather know that, than you lie and tell me what you think I want to hear.”

“Have I ever done that to you - lied, I mean, about my feelings?” His throat bobbed as he swallowed, his eyes darting away for a moment.

This was not the conversation I had intended to have at all. Yet, I was glad we were able to finally be so candid with each other. It was a relief to get his full and real opinion, like the first, frantic breath of air after breaking through the surface of the ocean.

“I don’t think so,” I answered, shaking my head. “I mean, we talked in the hallway, after the roller skating date, and you said you basically wanted to send us all home, and then a few days later, we kissed in the library, which kind of sent out mixed signals, but -” I sighed a little “- I think that’s more on me overthinking than it is on you.” Sorry, for doing that with every interaction we have. I would’ve voiced my thoughts allowed as I looked up at him again, my smile soft, had I not remembered how often he asked me not to apologize. Hadn’t I told him I was working on that? I had to live up to my word, if I expected him to live up to his.

“Well, how do you feel now?” he asked, squeezing my hand gently.

My own gaze drifted down to our hands, clasped together like they were two halves of a whole, like they were meant to hold each other. I needed to stop seeing it like that. He clearly had feelings for other girls. It was best that I brace myself for the worst.

Yet, I couldn’t give up the hope that we might be meant to be.

“A bit better than before, now that we both know where we stand.”

He took a deep breath, holding it for a few moment, before releasing it and asking, “Tell me what you want?”

I narrowed my eyes. What did he mean by that? What did I want right then and there? To dance the night away with him, to laugh, to sneak out with him into someplace secluded, and maybe confuse his feelings a little more by stealing some kisses. Or did he mean the question more generally?

I decided the latter was more likely. “Just to get to know you - even as simply a friend! I -” I swallowed, trying to figure out what direction I should take this sentence in “- I’ve never had many, and I’d like that very much.”

I had more friends now than I had ever had before, and I was afraid I hadn’t been a very good friend to them in return. I’d been stubborn, quick to criticize, aloof, judgemental - everything a friend wasn’t supposed to be.

“Evalin, haven't we been friends?” His voice snapped me out of my thoughts. “I don't take people I don't like to the ballet or give them book recommendations, and I certainly wouldn't ask them to dance with me - unless they're so foreign head of state and I have to.”

Good to know I get the same treatment as a foreign head of state. How romantic.

How to explain myself? “No - I mean, yes, those are things friends would do - but -” my shoulders sagged, and I was unable to quite meet his eye “- I just feel like I don’t know anything about you, is all.”

Why had I said that? Fuck, I was really making a mess of what had been a nice night.

“And I know you’re working on it, and I get that, I just…” I shook my head, my eyes wide as I forced myself to offer him a smile. “Sorry, this isn’t coming out right, at all.”

“Well, what do you want to know?” He tilted his head to the side, his eyes on me, boring into me, like he was trying to read me like a book.

I mimicked his head movement as I considered his question. “Anything, I suppose. Details - I like little details. I’ll even make a trade - a detail for a detail.” Righting my head once again, I gave him a sheepish grin, though it was more genuine than my smile had been moments ago.

“Okay.” He nodded. “Then, ask.”

“Okay.” The question was, what to ask him? I stared at the wall over his shoulder, biting my lip a little as I did. The details I wanted were more personal, and not at all befitting of the time and place. Most embarrassing childhood memory? What would your ideal life look like? Tell me a story that shaped who you are today. “How do you take your coffee?”

I made a mental note to ask him to talk at some point in the upcoming weeks. We could be more open then, and ask less superficial questions, hopefully.

He paused. Then, “Usually I prefer tea, but if I have coffee I like it with a  bit of milk.”

“Any kind of tea, in particular?”

“Earl Grey,” he answered, raising his eyebrows at me.

I wrinkled my nose, laughing at his answer. At home, we referred to Earl Grey as, “the British dishwater tea.” Somehow, it felt like that fit with who he was, as a person.

“Interesting.” No, this isn’t. “So, um, I guess you get a question now, if you want.”

“What's your favorite ice cream flavor?” he asked with a soft smile.

“Strawberry,” I answered without hesitation. Perhaps I could make my answer a little less superficial by elaborating. That might be a good tactic! “There was this little ice cream shop in my mother’s hometown that we always used to go to when we visited my grandparents, that made the best strawberry ice cream I have ever had.” I shook my head, chuckling as I added, “Nothing quite compares.”

“Strawberry is okay.” He looked lost in thought, as if he was mulling over my choice of ice cream flavor. “I prefer chocolate though. Always chocolate.”

“Chocolate can be good. It’s a classic,” I conceded, nodding once, then laughing a little. “As long as you don’t say vanilla is your favorite flavor, we’re good in my book.”

“What's wrong with vanilla?” He narrowed his eyes slightly, furrowing his brows.

“It doesn’t taste like anything!” I wrinkled my nose at the memory of trying vanilla ice cream as a very young child. “It’s like eating ice!”

“I can't say I agree with you there. Vanilla is a good flavor. Just not the best.”

I hummed thoughtfully, shaking my head. With a grin, I replied, “This might be a dealbreaker.”

He shrugged. “Aren't you supposed to accept all flaws in a relationship?”

“I was taught never to compromise my morals in a relationship.” I shook my head, doing my best to keep my expression serious for the sake of the joke, but I couldn’t hold it for more than a few seconds. This conversation was ridiculous. I had to laugh.

He raised his eyebrows at me. “I think it's a mixed bag. Compromises have to be made.”

“Yes, of course,” I agreed, “but not all the time. People can be wrong sometimes.”

“Wrong?” He inclined his head to the side, looking at me with genuine curiosity.

“Yes.” Did he seriously not think that it was possible for some people to be incorrect? The thought was absurd! With a laugh, I continued. “Some things do have a right and a wrong answer, you know?”

“And what about right now? Is one of us right or wrong?”

What did he mean by that? I wasn’t sure if we were talking about ice cream at this point, or something more.Was one of us right or wrong about this relationship? If that was the case, I sure hoped I was right, but did that mean that he didn’t agree that we had something between us, if we disagreed on that?

Ignoring the fact that my head was spinning, I raised an eyebrow at him. “What do you think?”

“Honestly? I’m not even sure anymore?”

Oh, good. “I guess we’re confused together, then,” I announced with a laugh.

He wasn’t as amused as I was, apparently. With a frown, he nodded slowly, his eyes distant even as he looked at me. “I guess we are.”

“Is there something wrong with that?” I inclined my head to the side, frowning now as well.

“Indecision isn't exactly a great quality of a future leader.”

He was right.

The song began to wind down at that moment, and I just about thanked my lucky stars. If we kept going like this, I was either going to kiss him to shut him up, and to shut my own thoughts up, or say something that would get me kicked out of the Selection for sure. Or, worse than both of those options, I might cry. Nope. I needed to get out of here. I’d ask Arin if he could talk another time, when I was more sober, and he didn’t have to make rounds, and there were no foreign dignitaries surrounding us.

“Well, just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean nobody does,” I offered, fixing him with one last smile. “You can ask others for help, input, or advice, you know?”

“About us?” He inclined his head for a moment, keeping his eyes on me even as he let go of my hand and took a few steps away. So, he had meant our relationship, then. Oh, God. He didn’t feel the same way about me that I felt about him, and now he was stepping away, because either he was trying to let me down slowly and gently, or because he just didn’t know what to say.  

I couldn’t breathe. I needed to get out of here.

“In general.” I forced a laugh, curtsying before beginning to back away. “Thank you for the dance, Arin.”

He just nodded. “Of course.”

“See you around!” I offered him one last smile and nod before scurrying off. Air. I needed air. When had it gotten so stuffy in here? I beelined for the doors to the garden, which I had heard had been decorated with lights for the guests. The cool night air would do me some good.

I grabbed another flute of champagne on my way out, downing half of it in one go. More mistakes, but if my days here were numbered more than I had thought they were, I was determined to enjoy my time here while it lasted.

I wasn’t sure where I was walking, but I didn’t really care. The cool night air felt good against my skin, and that was all that mattered to me. There weren’t many people out in the garden at the moment, and those that were walking around weren’t familiar to me. So, I took in the lights and decorations instead, just as intricate as their indoor counterparts. To think that this might be one of the last time I walked these paths…

No. I couldn’t let my mind wander down that path. For all I knew, I was just overthinking things again, and in my tipsy stupor, Arin had confused me, and I had confused him in turn. We really needed to work on our communication skills. I’d have to start asking him to clarify what he was trying to say when I couldn’t tell in the future. It didn’t matter if doing so made me sound unintelligent; he already knew that I was smart. He had called me as much before we had kissed in the library. Very smart. Stunning. Adorable. Plus, he had said he liked me.

We were going to be okay. I just had to breathe.

There was a person blocking the path in front of me. I squinted, trying to make out who it was in the dim lighting, based off of their silhouette alone.

Hugo.

It was nice to see a friendly face. Or, rather, to kind of see a friendly face, given the lighting.

I walked up to him, watching the way he just seemed to stare into the distance, looking at everything and nothing in particular, his hands in his pockets. “Stopping to smell the roses?” I asked, chuckling a little at my own joke.

He turned around, smiling softly as I came to a stop a few feet from him. “Oh, hi, Evalin. How are you tonight?”

“I’m really good, actually,” I lied, smiling as I attempted to keep the good spirits I had been in at the start of the ball alive. “How are you?”

He looked at the ground for a moment, his smile growing as he did. Someone must have made him very happy tonight, then. At least somebody here knew where they stood in a relationship.

“I'm doing really well, thanks,” he answered, glancing around. “What brings you out here?”

“The breeze,” I answered, moving to stand beside him, my attention caught by the yellow flowers that dotted the bush in front of us, “and the fresh air. I never thought a room here could feel so stuffy.” Wrinkling my nose, I looked up at him, a small smile playing at my lips.

“And this wasn't that stuffy at all,” he replied with a laugh, taking a deep breath.

I felt my eyes go wide as I considered his words. The crowds could get bigger than this? From the sounds of it, they very likely could, and often did. That didn’t necessarily seem like a bad thing to me, though. The only reason I had felt like I had needed the fresh air to begin with was because of my own thoughts, and Arin, muddling them up even further.

So I shook off my concern, taking a sip of champagne before turning to look at Hugo again. Speaking of Arin…

“Oh, while I have you here - I wanted to thank you, for, uh, encouraging -” there was a certain uptilt to my voice, like the verb I had used was the only thing I was questioning within the sentence “- me to ask Arin to take me to the ballet. We went, and it was amazing.” It really had been. I couldn’t figure out why I had even freaked out about the possibility of Arin not liking me, I realized, a smile creeping back onto my face. That entire night had been so lovely. There was no way something that wasn’t real could feel so right.

He tossed a smile in my direction, turning his head to look at me. “Did it? I'm really glad. I know he can be difficult sometimes, so I'm really glad he took you.”

Yeah, “difficult,” is one way to put it.

“You know, when you first suggested it, I thought it was crazy. I had to wonder if we were even talking about the same Arin, you know?” I snorted, shaking my head. “He’s complex.”

He raised his eyebrows at me, the movement so similar to what I had seen Arin do many times before, that it was hard for me to comprehend how I hadn’t realized they were related earlier on during my first meeting with Hugo. “Aren't we all?”

He was right. Even I had noticed how some of the traits that frustrated me the most about Arin were traits that I exhibited myself. I had likely been too quick to judge Arin, after our first few interactions.

“Arin's always been a bit -” Hugo paused, glancing off into the distance “- different, but there's some good there even if it's hard to see sometimes.”

Once again, Hugo was right, I realized, feeling my smile soften.“I think I see it, sometimes.” My voice was distant, even to my own ears, as I thought about the moments of kindness that still shone through to me - the way Arin always offered to listen, the way he never pushed me for details if I didn’t want to share, even the way he had literally pulled over the car to help me with my nosebleed. Had I offered him the same compassion in return? I wasn’t sure I had.

Turning back to Hugo, I concluded, “But you’re absolutely right. Complexity is what makes humans so human, for lack of a better word.”

He nodded in agreement, but his words contradicted the motion. “But sometimes simplicity is best - like the way those lights in the garden look, or how there's something so calming about night air.”

“That’s why science was always so appealing to me,” I admitted, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye. “There’s a right answer, and a wrong answer, with little room for interpretation, most of the time.”

“I like the in between - where there's no right or wrong. Where everything is open for interpretation.”

“Is that not more complex?” I furrowed my brows, turning my head to look at him once again. Did such a thing even exist? Sure, there were shades of grey in many conceptual arguments, but there was still a spectrum of right and wrong. It was what governed human morality, and the majority of our actions.

Hugo simply shrugged in response. “Not to me. It just feels right. Like that tree over there -” he pointed “- I don't need to know all the tiny details about how it works to see that it's beautiful.”

I tilted my head a bit, biting the inside of my cheek as I followed his finger to the tree he had mentioned, all the while considering his words. Had it not been for the one brain cell in my head still functioning properly, I might have started to explain xylem and phloem to him, and why they were important to the survival of the tree. That made more sense to me than the argument that the existence of the tree itself was just beautiful. Beauty was such a subjective thing. The tree wasn’t ugly, sure, but I wouldn’t have described it as beautiful, either. It was just a tree, plain and simple. Why complicate it, and assign it more adjectives?

“That makes sense,” I relented, though I still wasn’t entirely sure I agreed. “I guess just knowing the tiny details makes the big picture more interesting, to me.”

He looked down at me once more, offering me a small smile. “And that's fine. That's what makes you who you are.”

I blinked a couple of times, not prepared to handle talking with a Stanton or Schreave and being introspective at the same time. One often baffled me, and the other was something I actively tried to avoid. I was tipsy, sure, but not nearly enough to be having this conversation. Taking another sip of champagne, I nodded slowly, mustering up the courage to ask the only question on my mind at the moment. “Is my need to know everything really that obvious?” And is it as annoying as I imagine it to be?

His affirming nod made my stomach roll. “Yeah, but it isn't bad. It's just part of who you are.”

“Duly noted,” I replied, nodding and letting out a wry laugh before averting my gaze to the lights again. At least he was trying to make it seem like I was less nosy than I must seem. With a half smile, I went to ask my next question, the irony of me doing so not lost on me. “Any other facets of my personality I need to be made aware of?”

“Sweet, funny, has a nice laugh,” he answered, turning his head upwards, his eyes locking in on the stars.

“Oh.” I blushed at the compliment, finishing off the little bit of champagne I had left. I’d been expecting him to point out more areas of myself that I might improve upon, but I supposed what he had said was welcome as well. Maybe it was just the alcohol, but his voice began to mingle with Arin’s in my mind. Very smart. Sweet. Stunning. Funny. Adorable. Has a nice laugh.

I needed to focus on something else. I had come out here to get out of my head, not further into it.  

I followed his gaze upwards, taking in the stars, which were surprisingly easy to see, despite the fact that we were fairly close to a large metropolitan area. I had expected the light pollution levels to be higher. Nonetheless, I squinted at the stars, attempting to see if I could make out anything familiar. My grandfather had tried to teach my siblings and I how to use the stars as a method of navigation when we were younger, but it had never really stuck with me. I did, however, recognize one constellation, shaped like a lopsided box. “You can see Lyra really well tonight,” I observed, pointing it out.

“Which one is it?” he asked, squinting in the direction I was pointing. With a little laugh, he added, “Sorry, I haven't picked out constellations since I was a kid.”

“Don’t worry,” I reassured him with a laugh, “Lyra is the only one I really know, because it made me so angry as a kid.”

“It’s so stupid,” I complained to my father. “It’s a diagonal square. How is that a constellation?”

I pointed upwards towards the brightest star in the constellation, a ball of gas three times the size of our own sun. “That bright star is Vega, which is the bottom right corner. Then, connect the dots into a lopsided parallelogram -” I traced the shape in the sky with my index finger “- and voilà - Lyra.”

I felt his eyes on me as I drew the constellation in the air, watching him nod out of the corner of my eyes when he finally saw what I was pointing out. “Aha! There it is!”

“Yep!” I offered him another smile before looking back up at the lopsided parallelogram that had the audacity to call itself a constellation - and a lyre, at that! The homonym “liar,” was more fitting, in my opinion. “It’s a funny little thing.”

He glanced over at me again. “I'm impressed. Thanks for pointing it out to me.”

“No problem,” I replied, shaking my head. “As I said, though, my knowledge of constellations starts and ends there, so I can help you no further, I am afraid.”

At that, he laughed, the sound mingling with the crickets and the low voices of the other people in the gardens. “Well, that's better than my absolute lack of knowledge.”

“Is it, though?” I angled my head towards him a bit, a small smile playing at my lips. “Hear me out - if you know nothing, nobody questions you on it, because nobody expects you to have the answers, but if you know the bare minimum about a subject, people ask you questions as if you’re an expert, because they expect you to know all the answers, even if you don’t.”

Once again, he laughed, though I couldn’t quite figure out what about what I had just said warranted such a reaction. “Well, then it looks like I need to brush up on trivial facts so I can become an expert on everything.”

If only. I laughed. “It works until someone asks you an easy question that you would know, and you answer it incorrectly.”

“Didn't you say the bare minimum is enough to make you an expert?”

No, I hadn’t. At least, I didn’t think that I had. That hadn’t been what I was trying to say.

“It’s enough to make some people expect you to be an expert,” I explained again, frowning. “Sorry, I must’ve jumbled up my words when I spoke earlier.”

“Perhaps it's the champagne?” He laughed again. Maybe that was all he knew how to do, in these types of situations.

I laughed lightly, feeling some of the heat that had left my face return. “I’d like to think I’m not that much of a lightweight.”

“The bubbles can catch you off guard,” he offered by way of explanation.

I shot him a look out of the corner of my eyes, a joking smile on my face. “Speaking from experience?”

“This isn't my first ball,” he answered, chuckling. The thought of Hugo drunk, or even tipsy, was rather entertaining to me. It seemed like something most of the members of the royal family were somehow above, though I supposed it was impossible for someone to be completely immune to the effects of alcohol. They’d probably all been drunk or tipsy at some point. They were human, after all. Why did I have to keep reminding myself of that?

I nodded. “Of course. Fond memories?”

The smile that lit up his face was answer enough. “I always take away at least one good memory from a ball.”

“Any notable ones from tonight yet?” I asked, nodding once as I looked back up from the sky. It was a good philosophy, to always look for the silver lining. It was something I should try and do more often, if I was being honest with myself. It might spare me from some of the negativity I had been feeling as of late.

Hugo averted his gaze to the ground. “One or two.”

I smiled at him, genuinely happy, for his sake. He was a nice guy, and, much like everyone else present tonight, deserved to enjoy himself. “Good. I’m glad to hear you’re having a good time!”

“Are you having a good time?” he asked, looking back up at me.

Hadn’t I already answered this question at the beginning of our conversation?

“Yes,” I answered firmly. “This is the most I’ve danced, ever, I think, and I’ve only stepped on three peoples feet, which is a personal best, for me.”

“I'm glad to hear you're having fun,” he replied with a laugh. “I know these sorts of events can be a bit tricky sometimes.”

“Thank you. It’s -” my smile softened a bit, as I considered the manner in which I’d have spent this evening if I was back in Carolina, surrounded by my family, “- different, but not necessarily in a bad way.”

“It's all about who you dance with,” he stated, smiling. “According to my sister you should avoid Clarke Monroe at all costs, ‘no matter how cute he is’.” With a laugh, he answered my question before I could even ask it. “That's a direct quote.”

I chuckled. I hadn’t met his sister yet, but she sounded like a fun girl to be around, if that sort of statement was typical of her. “I haven’t bumped into Mr. Monroe yet, but I’ll keep an eye out,” I said, nodding once. Then, sighing, I looked around us one last time, my gaze lingering on the palace doors in the distance. I couldn’t spend the entire night out here, as nice as it might be.

Turning to Hugo, I  decided, “Speaking of which, I think I’m going to head back in.”

“I think I'll stay out here a little longer,” he replied, inclining his head a bit. Then, with a glance towards the palace and a smile, he amended, “Not too long, though.”

I couldn’t help but wonder who that smile might be for as I began to back away, meeting his smile with one of my own. “Well, if you find yourself in need of a dance partner, I promise to try my best not to step on your toes.”

He just laughed. “I just might take you up on that offer.”

“Well, you know where to find me if you do, but if you don’t, then enjoy the rest of the dance.” I waved one last time, before turning around and heading back inside.

True to my word, once I returned back inside, I danced until I couldn’t feel my feet at all anymore. Somewhere along the way, I had consumed another glass of champagne, though I swore up and down to myself that that would be my last one of the night. I didn’t want to accidentally fall asleep before midnight, when we’d throw the powder in the air. That was the part I had been looking forward to the most.

As another song ended, I made the decision to take a break and leave the dance floor. I was breathless, and knew I was red in the face as I chuckled to myself, drunk on happiness and joy, more so than just champagne. It was time for some water, and maybe some conversation. I scanned the room as I picked up the tiny plastic cup of water from the refreshment table, my eyes stopping when I spotted Clemence sitting by herself off to the side of the room, a plate of what looked like cake on the table in front of her. That seemed odd, for her, but I shook my concern off for the moment, deciding to approach her and at the very least say hello. I hadn’t seen her in ages.

“Hello!” I called as I got closer to where she was sitting, waving to her with the hand that was not holding my cup of water.

Clemence was using a fork to cut another bite of cake as I approached. Hearing my voice, she looked up, blinking once, as if she was seeing the ball, and the people dancing around her for the first time. She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Oh, hey, Evalin.”

Something was wrong.

I frowned, pulling out one of the chairs next to her, and taking a seat. Clemence had been there for me whenever I had needed her to be. She had been the definition of a good friend, and what had I been, besides an additional source of stress in her life?

It was time to repay the favor. “Is everything alright?”

“Fine enough,” she answered with a distracted bod, taking another bite and looking around as she chewed. She didn’t sound or look fine at all. Remembering what she had shared with me the first time we had spoken, I frowned, ready to sit with her the entire night, if that was what she needed.

Before I could say anything else, she asked, “Enjoying the ball?”

“Very much,” I answered, my frown deepening despite my positive feelings towards the majority of the night’s activities. “You?”

Clemence shrugged, the smile on her face clearly forced. “I’ve had better balls, to be honest.”

Yeah, okay, Clemence. Between her faked contentment with her current situation, whatever it was, and her uppity joke, it was impossible for me to not roll my eyes. I couldn’t help but feel sympathy for her, though. Hadn’t I been trying to cover up my own problems in front of everyone else I had talked tonight? We were all going through the wringer right now, it seemed.

So I offered her a small smile. “The closest I’ve ever come to a ball was high school prom,” I joked, shaking my head at the memory. At the time, it had seemed like the worst night of my life. I had begrudgingly agreed to go with a boy from my calculus class, despite the fact that I loathed his personality and sense of humor, just for the sake of having a date to take pictures with. He had insisted on my sitting with him and his friends instead of letting me sit with June, and had stepped on the hem of my dress multiple times when we had danced, staining the light green fabric brown by the end of the night. To top it all off, during dessert, he had spilled his coffee in my lap. Not exactly a night to be remembered fondly. Still, it was humorous in retrospect.

Clemence’s smile was more genuine now, as she tilted her head, a hint of curiosity glimmering in her eyes. “This must be quite the change.”

“It is.” I nodded, smiling as I looked over the crowd. I had never been in a situation like this, though as I had said earlier, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Yet, I couldn’t help but wish things were as simple as they had been before this, before the Selection. “I toasted a glass of champagne with my parents’ beers over FaceTime while I was getting ready today. They’re barbecuing.”

Her answering laugh was choked, as if she wanted to laugh but couldn’t really bring herself to. It was sad, to see her so upset. Clemence was always so warm, welcoming; she always had some happiness to bring to others. What could have upset her like this? More importantly, what could I do to help?

“I almost forgot people out of here celebrated too,” she admitted.

I shook my head. “I think they’re celebrating having off from work more than anything else,” I admitted, but that was besides the point. I turned my head to look at Clemence again, half tempted to just reach over and grab her hand, and give it a reassuring squeeze, but I hesitated. I wasn’t sure she was the kind of person that liked the sense of touch when she was upset. What if I made her more uncomfortable?

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I tried again. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” You’ve helped me so much; please let me return the favor.

She only nodded, taking another bite of her cake. “I know, but it’s nothing to worry about. I’ll be better tomorrow.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, rather skeptical of the truth of that statement, but I didn’t press her for details. If she wanted to talk about it, she knew where to find me. Instead, I could try and cheer her up.

With a small smile, I asked, “Besides today, how have things been? It’s been so long since we last talked!”

She raised her eyebrows, her eyes scanning the crowded dance floor until they settled on their target. Arin. Interesting. Her smile softened as she looked at him.

Interesting, indeed.

“Wild,” she answered, “but not unwelcome.” Her eyes were glazed over, her mind clearly not in the room at the moment.

I grinned. It wasn’t easy knowing she, along with other girls, I was sure, was developing feelings for Arin as well, but when she looked at him, she looked more at peace than she had before. She deserved that bit of happiness. I had no control over who he chose in the end, after all. Besides, Clemence would make an amazing queen.

So, why was I so torn up inside about her liking him?

“Now, that’s a change of tune I never thought I’d hear from you,” I teased, nudging her a little with my elbow.

She blinked as she turned back to me, as if she had forgotten that I was sitting there. “He’s still an idiot,” she stated, though her fond smile betrayed how she truly felt about the matter.

My heart might have broken, had I let it. I couldn’t though. Not here, not now.

I nodded in agreement, chuckling. “He has one of the worst short term memory spans I’ve ever encountered.”

“I guess he has,” she agreed, turning away with a pensive look on her face.

“No,” I explained with a laugh, “I mean, he took me to see the Angeles Ballet, and afterwards he asked me what I wanted for dinner, and I said seafood, and he said okay, and then five minutes later when we got in the car, he asked me the same exact questions again.”

She let out a small laugh at the story, seeming genuinely interested in the conversation for the first time since we had started talking. “In his defense, the ballet probably turned his brain all mushy. What did you see?”

I was kind of surprised by her answer, considering her figure skating background, but I let it slide, laughing lightly. The fans of the ballet were few and far between, apparently. “Don Quixote,” I answered. “It was the best case scenario. Had it been anything else, he probably would’ve fallen asleep.”

“I would’ve slept too,” she admitted, smiling as she looked away once again. “I performed to Don Quixote, once.”

“Really?” How had I not know that? “That’s so cool!”

She looked downright melancholic when she responded. She must have really missed her figure skating career - that much was obvious, written all over her face.. Was that why she was so sad? Did being here somehow remind her of that? Did today’s date mean something to her, in terms of her career? It was the summer, though, so that last possibility didn’t make a ton of sense.

“It was at my first Olympics,” she explained. “Seems like a lifetime ago. I was a baby.”

“If you were a baby, then I must have been a fetus,” I joked.

“Thirteen is fetus age indeed,” she teased. “Barely an actual teenager.”

“And sixteen is definitely baby, age,” I agreed, nodding. “My younger brother is sixteen now, and the rest of us definitely have the urge to protect him at all costs.” I wondered what Randall was up to now. Was he looking at universities? Had he decided what he wanted to study yet? It had been so long since we’d talked, which was kind of sad. We’d grown close the past few years, being the last kids left at home.

“I was fifteen, actually.” She inclines her head towards the size, her eyes darker as she continued to think. “So I guess it’s newborn age?”

“Wait, when’s your birthday?” I could’ve sworn she was three years older than me. Maybe I was mistaken, though. I should definitely not have any more champagne. “I’m going to be twenty-one in almost exactly a month.”

“I’ll be twenty-three in November,” she answered, raising an eyebrow at me. “Arin isn’t the only one with memory issues, it seems.”

“Right,” I said, doing my best to ignore her jab at my memorization skills. Memorization was one of my strongest assets; I was just very much drunk right now. “Okay, you mentioned you were a sixty-seven baby, but not when in sixty-seven -“ I nodded “- but I’m going to place the blame on the champagne, just this once.” I tried to laugh off her earlier insult, which she had probably only meant as a joke, but I couldn’t shake it, especially now, knowing that she actually liked Arin.

“I also said I was still twenty-two,” she replied with a wink, “but, yeah, we’ll say it’s the champagne.”

I smiled a bit, shaking my head. I remembered her calling me a baby, and saying she had been born in sixty-seven, but not when her birthday was, or her age. Oh, well. “Sorry, I must have missed that.”

“Sure,” she responded, rolling her eyes. “Not memory loss at all.”

I grimaced, inhaling sharply. If she insulted my memory one more time, I was going to lose it, which was counterintuitive to the purpose I had come over here with. “If I have early onset memory loss, that’s going to be a big problem, because online classes just started recently.” A slight change in subject, but nothing so drastic that she’d think she’d bothered me. An ideal solution.

“Oh, already? Sorry, I’m more used to the German calendar.” She patted my hand. “But I’m sure you’ll do great. You were doing fine before summer break, right?”

I had been doing much better than “fine,” actually. I had made the dean's list every semester, had made close connections with most of my professors, had secured my internship, which was coveted amongst biology majors. I was on top of my game.

Humility is a virtue, Evalin.

“Yeah, but being online is kind of weird,” was the response I settled on as I wrinkled my nose. It was odd only having power points, with limited audio lectures, and only being able to ask questions via email. “I suppose it’s only temporary, though, because eventually I’ll either have to transfer, or go home.” And by that, I mean I’ll go and make a new home for myself somewhere else.

“This Selection starts being a long pause in our lives, doesn’t it?”

I bit my lip, shaking my head before turning to look at Clemence again. “I feel like it was more of a jump start, for me, at least. It was the kick out the door that I needed.”

That much was true. If I hadn’t been Selected, I likely never would have left Carolina. I wouldn’t know nearly as much about the world, or even just this country, as I did now, and I wouldn’t have made any of the connections that had forced me to open my eyes to the problems that existed in the current day.

I probably would’ve ended up with Lukas, out of convenience. I didn’t know where that realization had come from, but it didn’t sit well with me. Had I really been that ready to settle? Thank God I had been Selected.

Clemence only nodded.

My presence here was clearly doing nothing, except for putting me in a worse mood. With a sigh, I finished the last of my water, inclining my head slightly as I put the glass down, offering Clemence another smile. “I think I’m going to head back out and dance some more. Do you want to come?”

Her wince as she eyed the dance floor answered the question before she did. “No, I’ll stay here with my cake, but thank you.” She flashed me a right smile, one of her hands clutching her dress.

If she didn’t want to talk, that was fine, I couldn’t force her to, but she clearly wasn’t okay. I just wished there was something I could do, or say, to make her feel better. Maybe I should send Arin her way. She had looked happier when she looked at him. The heartbreak would be worth it, if it meant my friends were happy.

But what if he chooses me over her? Would she be happy for me then?

I was tempted to say yes, but I didn’t know for sure.

I needed to move.

“Alright,” I replied with a soft smile, pushing my chair in and beginning to scan the crowd for my next dance partner. I needed to forget about this conversation. “Well, don’t hesitate to wave me over if you need anything!”

“Thank you, but I have a waiter dedicated to me already,” she stated, pointing towards one of the waiters with a slightly amused smile. The message was clear. I don’t need you.

That was fine. I looked back at her over my shoulder, wiggling my eyebrows with a laugh. “Well, I won’t get in the way of that! I’ll see you around!”

With that, I began to walk away, spotting a man in a suit who appeared to be in need of a dance partner. I didn’t know who he was, and quite frankly, I didn’t care. I just needed to get out of here.

Clemence waved her hand in response, rolling her eyes with a little smile. “Don’t drink too much champagne! You have no idea how many diplomatic incidents could be avoided without it!”

“Don’t worry, I’m winning all the foreign dignitaries over with my grace, charm, and good looks,” I assured her sarcastically, adding in a wink for good measure.

She laughed. “Keep up with that good work, then.”

“I live to serve,” I joked with a small, mocking curtsy, before taking the opportunity to exit.

Clemence liked Arin. She had a familial background in politics and international relations. She was beloved by any Illéan who watched figure skating, and had a truly kind and compassionate heart.

I was so screwed.

That was a problem for another day.

I lost myself in the music again, paying only the bare minimal attention to my surroundings. I was pretty sure I had seen Arin dancing with Felicity at one point, but I didn’t care to confirm whether or not I had actually witnessed that. He was figuring out his feelings, still, with a lot of people, apparently. Me. Jen. Clemence. Felicity. Probably more, if I was being honest. He was entitled to that. I just needed to stop being a jealous bitch.

By eleven-thirty, I was running out of new people to dance with. I had already had a second dance with some of the guests, though not with Arin. I had lost track of him at some point in the past hour or so, but that might have been for the better. My fatigue was starting to get to me. I just needed to push through until midnight, when we’d get to throw the powder in the air. I wanted to be here for that.

Someone was heading my way. Idalia. It had been ages since I’d seen her - since she’d almost made me cry. I had almost forgotten about that.

She looked radiant tonight as she crossed the floor towards me, smiling widely. I had seen her here and there throughout the night, either talking with the Italians, or dancing with Wylan, but she’d never been alone when I had spotted her, so I’d never had the chance to say hello. Now, though, I waved, making my way to her as fast as I could in this dress and these heels, hugging her as soon as we had made it to each other. The one positive lesson I had learned from our last conversation was that she gave great hugs, and I could have used one right about then.

Pulling away, I smiled, holding her on the shoulders at an arm’s length. “Hello!”

Her eyes were a bit wide as she looked at me, but she smiled nonetheless. “How’s the night going?”

The night had had its ups and downs, especially by this point, but I didn’t miss a beat, giggling a bit for good measure. The champagne helped. “It’s been so much fun! How’s yours been?”

“Lovely,” she answered, raising an eyebrow at me. “How was dancing with Arin?”

Well, in Arin’s own words, it sure was something.

“It was good! It was nice to be able to talk to him, even if it was only for a few minutes.” I smiled, looking for him one last time in the crowd. I wasn’t sure why. Was I hoping he’d come back over to me, and offer me another dance? That was impractical. He was busy making rounds, after all.

I turned back to Idalia. “How was dancing with Wylan?” I asked, being sure to lower my voice as I wiggled my eyebrows at her.

“Why are you saying it like that?” She asked in response, looking around us, like anyone hearing that she danced with Wylan would accuse her of committing a crime. As if other Selected hadn’t been dancing with people other than Arin all night long. “It was just a dance.”

“Okay,” I practically sang, finishing with a laugh. “Whatever you say!”

“Evalin, stop it!” Her words were annoyed, but her tone betrayed her amusement.

“Sorry,” I replied with a laugh, “as your friend, it’s basically my job to tease you.”

Idalia just shook her head. “How much have you been drinking?”

Too much.

“Just enough,” I answered with a smirk.

She narrowed her eyes, like she didn’t quite believe me, and I couldn’t blame her. However, she didn’t push it. “Well, I do have some good news.”

Thank God one of us did.

I raised my eyebrows, my curiosity piqued. “Do tell!”

“Dancing with Arin was not terrible.”

He really is making the rounds.

“No, he was one of my favorite dance partners of the night.” I smiled, scanning the crowd for him once more. He had to be out there, but there was no way he was looking for me. At least, it wasn’t likely.

“Well,” she began, chucking, “I don't know if I would say it was my favorite, but it was good.”

I opened my mouth, about to ask her what she meant by that, but before I could, someone announced that midnight was getting closer. As soon as the announcement ended, Idalia stood up straighter, and turned to face me. “We should go pick a color!”

“Yes!” This was what I had stayed for! I grabbed Idalia’s hand, pulling her behind me as I made a beeline for the bags filled with shimmery powders. “I’ve been so excited for this part!”

“Let me guess, you're doing yellow?”

“Well,” I started, my tone a mix of sarcastic and mock-offended, “now that you said that, I think I’ll have to pick something else!”

She laughed, the sound barely audible over the music. “Hey, you can do whatever you want.”

“No, I know,” I reassured her, shrugging. “I’ll just see what catches my eye.”

“I heard some are shimmery!” She exclaimed excitedly, practically jumping up and down as we made our way closer.

Her enthusiasm was infectious, I had to admit, my own eyes going wide at her description. “That sounds so pretty!” We were like two kids in a candy store, given permission by out parents to buy whatever we wanted.

Her grin only grew as we finally reached the area where the bags were sitting, her eyes drinking in every color option, considering each choice with equal time. Despite my earlier protest, my eyes were immediately drawn to the yellows. They stood out to me, their vibrant hues like little rays of sunlight, brightening my day without any effort whatsoever. I tapped my index finger against my lip, trying to decide just which shade of yellow to grab. Should I go for a darker, richer, gold, as lavish as the decorations around me, or a lighter, pastel yellow, shimmery and bright with hope?

I stopped my debate to look at Idalia, whose eyes were darting between about three different bags. “Do you know why yellow is my favorite color?”

She perked up, dragging her eyes away from the neutral tones she had been considering. “Because it’s happy to look at?”

“Because of what it symbolizes,” I answered, offering Idalia a small smile. “According to color theory, yellow represents optimism, joy, hope, intellect, and loyalty - all things I think we could use a little more of in life.” All things I could use a little more of right now.

It’d be fine, I reassured myself, as soon as I got a restful night of sleep. There would be more of those in the future, now that the craziness surrounding the ball was over. I’d have a bit more time to sleep, to relax, to talk with Arin.

It seemed like no matter what I did tonight, my thoughts went back to him.

Idalia flashed me an amused smile. “Ah, color theory. My dad was always fascinated by color psychology even if it’s a very niche subfield. Talking about it with my mom around was always fun.” That sounded like it was in character for her parents, for what she had told me of them. They sounded like lovely people, who it would be interesting to speak with, should I ever have the opportunity.

“What’s your favorite color?” I smiled, raising an eyebrow at Idalia as I settled on a bag of yellow powder the color of daffodils - my favorite shade of yellow. It wasn’t as dark and powerful as gold, but wasn’t as soft and washed out as paler shades of yellow.

She made her way over to powder bags containing more shimmery tones, smiling as she looked down upon them. “It’s been a while since I’ve been asked that one. What’s your guess?”

Biting down on the inside of my cheek, I narrowed my eyes at her, as if I’d be able to see the answer on her face if looked heard enough. She wasn’t a red, or a blue - that much was for sure. Definitely a warmer color, but not yellow. That left one answer. “Based on color theory, I’m going to go with orange, because it represents warmth, fire, energy, and excitement, and you’re exemplary of all of those things.”

“Orange is at the top for sure,” she replied with a grin, picking up a bag of pearl white shimmery powder, flecked with pieces of fuscia and blue, “but if I really had to pick, I would say gold.”

Of course an Olympian athlete would say something along those lines. With a smile, I responded, “I can see that. I suppose your future Olympic gold will fit in well with the rest of your home decor when you have your own place to decorate, then.”

She laughed, dragging me by the wrist, away from the crowd of people trying to get powder for themselves as well. “I don’t know if I would go for gold decor but glad that’s where your mind is going. I’m a women of simple tastes.”

“I can also see that,” I admitted, humming thoughtfully to myself as she pulled me further into the room. “All I wanted in terms of decorations for my dream apartment was plants.”

“I haven’t even thought about moving out of my family’s home yet,” she admitted, her tone more amused than sad. That was good. I didn’t want Idalia to be sad. She was always so cheery and happy. I admired that about her.

“I thought I had a good two years, at least, until I left home,” I stated, absentmindedly smiling. I had imagined taking my college graduation photos on our front porch steps, side by side with June. I’d have been there for Randall’s high school graduation, and all of the events surrounding it. I could’ve even driven him home from his first college party, if he had stayed local as well, which I was pretty confident he would. My entire childhood was tied to that house, from the stairs I had tumbled down as a toddler, to the small bedroom where I had whispered my dreams into the dark, to the attic that contained a mystery that I’d likely never solve, now that I knew I wasn’t going back.

How long had I been zoned out for? I snapped back to the present, smiling wider at Idalia now, repeating what I’d told Clemence earlier tonight. “I’m glad this kicked me out the door a little earlier, though. I think I’ve learned more in these past few months than I ever have before.”

Her smile faltered, and she asked, “Is everything alright back home?”

The question caught me off guard. Without a real answer to give her, I sighed. “I think so? We FaceTimed today, and everyone looks well, but I did have an odd phone call with my father a few weeks ago.” I shook my head, looking down for a moment before meeting Idalia’s gaze again, this time forcing myself to smile. “I’m probably just overthinking it, don’t worry!”

She ignored my request, and frowned, definitely worrying. “Is he concerned for you?”

“He seemed like he was, but I was more concerned as to what he was doing in the lab at two in the morning.” I closed my eyes, shaking my head in a short, rapid motion at the memory of the phone call. When I reopened my eyes, I looked at Idalia, waving my hand through the air in a dismissive gesture. “Seriously, don’t worry about it though! That’s my job,” I finished, nudging her with my shoulder, hoping the playful gesture would ease her worries.  

She didn’t seem convinced, but luckily for me, the countdown to midnight started right then. We joined the crowd, practically squealing with excitement as we screamed along with the countdown, out voices lost in the cacophony of shouts around us. As soon as we hit the end of the countdown, I looked over at her, throwing most of my powder into the air, being sure to save a small amount in my bag. I looked up, watching the different colors descend back down upon us all like a tangible rainbow dissolving after. It was magical, in every sense of the word. I was beyond glad that I had stayed for this, instead of calling it a night early.

I turned to Idalia again, a mischevious grin spreading across my face as I reached for the remaining powder in my bad, flicking it towards her. She gasped in response, glaring at me as she flung her own remaining powder at my chest.

I could only laugh as I crumpled my now empty bag in my hands, shaking my head just to watch some of the powder drift down, out of my hair. “Thank you,” I began, turning to Idalia once more, “for keeping me company at this point, when I know there’s other people you probably would have loved to throw powder at.”

“I came to throw the powder with you because I wanted to!” She looked downright offended that I’d suggested otherwise.

“Well, thank you nonetheless.” I offered her the biggest smile I could muster, though it wasn’t much. I hugged her once more, waiting until I had pulled away to add, “I think I’m going to call it a night. I’m dead tired.”

“Alright,” she conceded, smiling back at me as she pulled away. “Do you need me to come along? I can come back right after.”

“Only if you want to. You by no means have to,” I answered with a shrug. Idalia was too nice to be true. How had I found such a good friend?

“I don’t know if I trust you to make it back,” she admitted, hooking her arm through mine. “I’ll take you back.”

We were silent the rest of the way back to my room, pausing only long enough for me to hug her goodnight before she turned back the way we had came. As soon as I was inside of my room, Julia, Christina, and Grace were all on their feet, rushing towards me to help me undress, to assist in removing my makeup and contact lenses, and, of course, to ask for more details about my night. I gave them as much as I could bear, watching their face light up when I had mentioned dancing with Arin, in particular. They knew just how hopeless I was, and I think they sort of loved me for it, somehow.

I frowned as I looked in the mirror, noticing just how covered in glitter I was. “Should I shower before getting into bed? I’d hate to make you have to wash glitter out of my sheets tomorrow, but I am exhausted.”

“I’m sure,” Julia said, crossing her arms once she had handed off my dress to Grace. “How much sleep did you get last night?”

I just shook my head, exhaling heavily through my nose. “Not much, but still, I can stay up the extra fifteen minutes it’d take me to shower. I’d hate to create more work for you.”

“Nonsense!” she scolded, ushering me towards my bed, going as far to pull back the sheets to make it easier for me to get in. “If you made any less work for us, we’d all be out of a job!”

“I just have one last thing to do, then,” I decided, sidestepping around her, and then walking towards my desk and pulling out a piece of paper. I had planned earlier on on writing Arin a note, to send tomorrow or later in the week, depending on my own schedule, and I’d be darned if I was going to forget to do it.

The note itself only took me a minute to write, though I didn’t pay close attention to my diction, or the legibility of my handwriting, too eager to get into bed to bother with that.

Arin,

Do you have any spare time to talk, this week, maybe? I’d like to clear the air. I’m genuinely very sorry if anything I said at the ball upset you - not that this is any excuse, but I had five glasses of champagne on maybe two and a half hours of sleep (if that), and didn’t stop to think about how bad of an idea that might be. Though, I think I was only three glasses of champagne in when I danced with you, but my point still stands. I had no intention of worrying you, and again, am truly sorry if I did.

I’d also like more details, if possible. I was a tad too afraid to ask deeper questions at the ball, what with all the people and cameras around. It didn’t feel like the right time or place for it.

Sincerely,

Evalin

P.S. - in case I wasn’t clear, I like your nickname for me.

Julia watched as I wrote, sighing as I stuck the note against the screen of my open laptop, to ensure that I’d see it tomorrow and remember to send it. “Now, bed,” she commanded as soon as I had finished.

Too tired to argue, I just smiled in response, slowly maneuvering myself under the covers as Grace and Christina crossed the bedroom, making their way to the door. As soon as they were out, Julia flicked the light switch, whispering, “Goodnight, Evalin,” before leaving the room herself, and shutting the door behind her.

Sleep took me instantly.

--

It was dark. From where I lay in the backseat of June’s car, the only light I could see came from the taillights of the car in front of us. I remembered seeing stars when we had arrived at the party, but I couldn't now. Her stupid car roof was in the way, too busy shielding us from the rain that wouldn’t stop hitting it to let us see the stars. Logically, I knew we wouldn’t have been able to see a lot of the stars anyway, with the rain clouds blocking them, but I would have liked to see some. I would have liked to see that stupid lopsided parallelogram that my grandfather loved so dearly.

I laughed. Everything was funny to me, especially the way that neither June nor Lukas found anything funny. “We’re going to have to stop for gas,” Lukas said from the passenger seat in the front, which was funny. We hadn’t driven far - only the twenty minutes to campus - and June had had more than enough gas on the way there. Where had her gas gone? Maybe it had grown legs and had walked away, and there was a big gasoline man walking through campus right now. That would be funny.

“Shit, really?” June asked through gritted teeth. I closed my eyes as she changed lanes, likely to pull into a gas station. I didn’t open them again until we had pulled up to a pump, the faded white and green coloring that I could see through the window letting me know that we must be at the twenty-four hour Gasoline Haven about fifteen minutes from my house.

Fuck. My house. My parents. “June, I can’t go home like this,” I groaned. I was so very, stupidly, foolishly drunk. How many shots had I taken? I’d lost count after eight. I doubted I’d remember this tomorrow. That was not funny. Why the fuck had I done this, and how was I still even alive?

“I know,” she reassured me, turning around in the driver's seat to face me as Lukas got out of the car, walking around to the gas pumps. “You can stay with me tonight, like you told your parents you were doing originally.”

I nodded, offering her a toothy grin as I pushed myself into a sitting position. “That’s why I love you.”

She smiled in return, opening her mouth like she was about to respond, only to be cut off my a sharp rap at the driver’s side window. She rolled it down, listening to Lukas as he yelled something, his voice completely drowned out by the rain, for me. ��Fuck, okay,” June said, swearing more as she fumbled with her seatbelt, “I’ll go inside and pay.” With that, she exited the car, the annoying beeping noise signalling that she hadn’t closed her door all the way.

The sound of the rain got louder as her footsteps retreated, and the door to my left opened. I laughed as Lukas leaned into the car, bracing his forearms on the seat and smiling at me. I smiled right back, blinking slowly as I said, “Well, hello there.”

He said nothing. While my eyes were closed, he must’ve leaned forward, because the next thing I knew, his lips were on mine, strong and frantic, and all wrong. My eyes flew open, but all I could do was watch, and try to say something, anything, but my words were swallowed by his mouth. I was paralyzed, whether by fear or drunkenness, I didn’t know. I couldn’t lift my arms, to shove him away, and I couldn’t back away myself, not without opening the car door and allowing myself to tumble onto the wet pavement.

I stared at him in shock as he pulled away, instinctively attempting to bring my knees to my chest. I couldn’t unscramble my thoughts quickly enough to form a coherent sentence. Only one word rang through my mind. “Bad.”

“Why won’t you admit that you love me?” he asked, smirking, something sparkling in his eyes as he looked at me. I didn’t like it. I wanted him to go away. This was not funny.

I shook my head, trying my hardest to get the right words out of my mouth. “I don’t love you. I definitely don’t love what you just did.”

He raised his eyebrows, as if I had somehow challenged him, inviting him to rise to the occasion and prove me wrong. Except, I wasn’t wrong. I was never wrong. He was wrong. Something about him had always been wrong.

This was wrong.

“Would you like me to try something different?”

“No.” I shook my head again, but the gesture meant nothing to him, and he came in for another kiss. I tried to kick him away, but the motion seemed to do nothing. He was completely undeterred.

I heard footsteps splashing against the pavement as he pulled away. June’s voice cut through the noise of the rain. “What are you doing back there?” June would help me. June always helped me.

“Making sure she has her seatbelt on, now that she’s sitting up,” Lukas answered, reaching for the seatbelt as he spoke, slowly dragging his fingers diagonally across my chest as he made to fasten the buckle.

This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real. Lukas would never.

“She said she wants to stay at my house tonight,” Lukas announced as he got back into the passenger seat of the car. I hadn’t said that. This was not funny in the slightest.

“No,” June told him, but I knew he mustn’t understand that word. Hadn’t I told him no? He had heard me, and had kissed me again anyway. Despite being blackout drunk, I knew with clear certainty that I was lucky it had stopped there, that June had come back just then. “She has to stay at my place, or her parents will worry, and we’ll all be busted. Besides, I’m the nursing major. I’ll handle this.”

All I could feel was the chill of the car window against my forehead. All I wanted to do was forget about this.

Maybe it was a good thing I was blackout drunk.

--

I awoke in a cold sweat, my mouth open as if I was screaming silently, my breathing rapid and shallow. Reaching for my phone, I clicked the power button, the time blinding me as the device flashed to life. Four o’clock. It looked like it would be yet another, almost sleepless night for me, then.

[whats-the-story-tc]

18th-22nd of May

"The One with Attack and Defense"

Remember this post of mine? Yeah. Nice start to the week. I shit you not, when I saw those sentences, all of them about love, dating and heartbreak, all of them with her name, that name I find myself saying time and again, I freaked out. I didn't know how to react. The wounds were still healing from the last time she'd unintentionally hurt me, and I knew we were going to check this homework in online class the next day. But how was I going to utter her name with a straight face?

Straight face was not something that I could use to describe that week's English class. Soon as V turned up, Cynical Twat started playing music, and she waited patiently until she couldn't anymore. Even then, her voice was smiling when she said "[Cynical Twat], you know I can mute you, right?" Music over. V complains about being tired. Class starts.

As we all know here at @/whats-the-story-tc, V isn't afraid to speak about... saucy themes in poetry. Well, that Tuesday she was particularly brave and I was losing my mind over it. Our different energies that day only clashed once, in connection to a poem written on Mr. Poetry Man's honeymoon, where he's already burying himself and discussing his wife's future remarriage. "Interesting timing," I said, "what with it being his honeymoon." It was a short-lived analytical discussion, mostly things that were super evident anyway but we still felt the need to say them. "Nice of him." "...odd." We said at the same time. You can probably guess which one of us was the more outspoken.

Little did I know this would be the last time we speak voice-to-voice.

Two hours later, I had my online German class. Luckily, the teacher didn't have me read any of the sentences with V's name — half of them we didn't even check. Still, it was the hardest role I've ever had to perform as an actress: the role of someone, who that name means nothing to. I checked myself on the camera constantly, glared at myself to keep a straight face so I don't react. And let me tell you, when the sentence "I am in love with [her name]." was said out loud, first in German, then in my native tongue... I managed to control my face so I didn't burst into a smile, but inside, I astral projected to an entirely different plane of existence.

Come Wednesday. Nothing much. Even more [Her name]-Sätze in my German homework, and V being rather very bold. She had us find poems about family, and when she pointed out the easy ones everyone would write off the top of their heads, which we couldn't list this time, she just wrote a ;) after her sentence. Hah. Someone's feeling rather very cocky, isn't she?

Blood froze in my veins on Thursday when I saw I had a private message via Google Classroom waiting from her. Then I got a smaller whiplash when I read it.

She corrected the tests mentioned here. And she knew. She found out we were cheating. All 28 of us received the same, scolding message privately, word-to-word. The only funny thing about the whole thing is that she pointed out how most people wrote something else and completely missed the topic of the essay — the essay I didn't show them how to do.

I knew she knew. V is a smart woman, she had to know I was the culprit behind the answers being spread. I was scared she'd think less of me, though somewhere within, I knew she isn't the kind of person who would. But all my fear turned into anger when I saw these in our group chat for answers, sent by our lovely Blond Boy in the Back, whom I'm sure the regulars have missed:

BBitB: Lazy whore

BBitB: She copies the same thing

I lost my mind. I couldn't very well snap at him without being suspicious, but I knew I had to answer that. Because nobody talks about her like that in my presence.

S: Or maybe it just applies to everyone.

BBitB: Why couldn't we write the same thing then xd

S: Those two things aren't exactly the same.

Allow me to translate you a quote from the best book I've ever read, because I feel like it applies perfectly here:

"but [she] loves [him], that impossible [man] (...), and what she could never be capable of doing for the sake of her own hurt dignity, she did in [his] defense."

(names censored, so my countrymen on here don't recognise it easily)

The above words are the best ones I could use to describe what I did next, something I never thought I'd have the courage or confidence to do. I stood up to my classmates. I didn't mention V much, even though it was because of her, I generalised, and demanded that they be original for the sake of their own futures. I could no longer ask nicely.

That night, and the next day was incredibly melancholy. I was preparing, planning, writing a speech in my head. I felt like V wasn't going to forget this just like that, that she was going to speak about this next Tuesday. And because I feel responsible for my class, at least partly, I felt like I had to talk to V about this privately. That I had to tell her everything that happened. For a brief while, I even thought about taking the blame, but she wouldn't believe that.

We created a new chat, with only half the class, the trustworthy ones, who don't just expect answers but return the favour. When someone asked who else we should add, Comparison Boy, staying on brand, just wrote:

CB: I'm looking at the group chat, don't think we left anyone out, this [V's full name] looks trustwor.... oh wait, sorry, she's already here.

S: Idiot 🤣🤣

Soon after, I told them about my plans of speaking to her, when we got scared that our homeroom teacher might know, that V might've told her, and we discussed how much we should tell her.

S: Only the people I trust will know [the full truth], and that means exactly one adult.

CB: Your mirror image?

This bitch... :D

And how well did it all go? What did I tell her? Well, that's a story for next time. ;)

~ S ♡

[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]

[chaotic-yeet]

every single fucking one yobi

Hey Strawberry, you asked for this

Do you ever doubt anyone else's existence other than your own: Not really no

On a scale of 1-5 how afraid of the dark are you: 5+ I have nyctophobia so it's extremely bad for me

The person you would never want to meet: Does knowing them and no longer speaking count? An old friend of mine, I hope I never see her again

What is your favorite word: I'm actually not sure, I have a few ones I like to say because I pronounce them wrong, but I don't think I have a favorite

If you were a type of tree, what kind would you be: Maybe a birch tree? They're my favorite kind in minecraft sooo

When you looked in the mirror this morning, what did you first think: "Damn I need to wash my face more"

What shirt are you wearing:. A Mammoth one! It's dark gray, has a bear on the back and front chest area, and has blue, pink, and purple fade on it (the bi flag!)

What do you label yourself as: a fuckin bastard or dumbass thats what

Bright room or dark room: I have sensitive eyes so a dark room, but with either soft light or nightlight, I hate complete darkness

What were you doing at midnight last night: Talking to @the-strawzish-clownfish , while being on call with @psychotic-roach he had fallen asleep

Favorite age you've been so far: 13 probably, which sounds weird, but my mental health got better that year (it didn't stay that way but eh)

Who told you they loved you last: @psychotic-roach !! And I love you too (once you read this :D)

Your worst enemy: Myself and an old friend I mentioned in like, question 3

What's your current desktop picture: On my main laptop it's a Marble Hornets fanart (that I adore) and on my Chromebook it's some space doodles in the bi colors

Do you like someone: Fuck yes I do, @psychotic-roach you're fucking great and deserve the world

The last song you listened to: Deku Palace remix! I'm a huge EDM/ Trap fan, combine it with Zelda music and I'm hooked!

You can press a button to make one specific person explode, who would you pick: Old friend from before

Who would you really just love to punch in the face: Many, many people

If anyone could be your slave for the day, who would it be and what would they do: Well probably a close friend of mine, and I'd have him play smash with me and make pancakes with me (basically beg him to hang out even though it's quarantine so we can have fun again)

What's your best physical attribute: Probably my hair, it's dyed purple and used to be shaved

If you were the opposite sex for a day, what would you look like and what would you do: I'd probably look the same just taller and less curves, and I'd probably jerk off or go on some 3am walk because fuck it I can

Do you have a secret talent: I don't think so, I have a shitty memory, but not when it comes to naming ninjago episodes, @the-strawzish-clownfish can verify

What is one unique thing you're afraid of: Touching Rays, any kind, especially the ones at aquariums that come up to the tank wall that you can pet

You can only have one kind of sandwich, every ingredient is at your disposal: Well call me white, but my usual, white bread turkey and shredded cheese. That's it. I'm super lame.

You just found $100 how are you gonna spend it: Save it, I always save hundreds without hesitation

You just got a free plane ticket to go anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately: Uh, probably Georgia to see some family

Basically an Angel says I'll give you lost of booze forever be specific: Uh, fuck I dunno I don't drink, Fuckin' Crown Royal for shits and giggles why not

An island in which you can make your own rules, what's the first: Stay on your own turf unless someone allows you to come in, unless it's emergency (and I know this rule will cause problems, it's a guideline at best)

What is your favorite expletive: Tie between Bullshit and Fuck, I absolutely love those two

Your house is on fire (but everyone is okay) what one object do you grab: Well, in my current room right now? My phone, I'll still have contact with people I love and have my art (the only thing I care about in here) with me too

You can erase any horrible experience from your past: Main one, I won't actually say allowed but Roach you know what it is, but one I can put on here, Probably some embarrassing thing I did, most like everyone else

You got kicked out of your country, where would you live: GERMANY! I love the German language and I'd absolutely love to go to Germany and live with it!

Death is a good dude and says you can choose who to bring back: My cat who died a few years ago, he was an awesome cat that didn't deserved to die at 6 years old

What was your last dream about: I have super long dreams, like so much goes on in them it's like a story, too long to type out, @psychotic-roach knows it. Long story short, Pirates and apartments under water

Are you a good (insert whatever): Am I a good, fuck I dunno let's do artists because it's easy. I think I do decent enough

Have you ever been admitted to the hospital: No, only when I was a newborn in the nicu because I wasn't latching right

Have you ever built a snowman: Nope, but my friend did and I watched. His snowman was tiny and got stepped on, my friend shed a few tears

What is the color or your socks: Not wearing any right now, but usually gray

What type of music do you like: EDM AND TRAP BABYYY IF IT'S LOUD I LOVE IT

Do you prefer sunrise or sunset: Sunset definitely, I burn easy so having the nice night air slowly come over with the stars is nice for me

Favorite milkshake flavor: Chocolate!

What football team do you support: American football? None. German Bundesliga teams? Stuttgart. We were assigned teams in my German class and that was mine! Stuttgart all the way!!

Do you have any scars: Yes, many. They range from self harm, to actual cat scratches, to me falling, and many more

What do you want to be when you graduate: No idea!

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Weight, I have bad self esteem so it's never enough

Are you reliable: Honestly, no. I have bad memory and I will forget if someone needs something

If you could ask your future self a question what would it be: How's Roach doing, and what's Oregon like?

Do you hold grudges: depends, mostly no, but sometimes yes

If you could breed two animals together and defy the laws of nature, what two would you breed: Uh good question, probably Cat and Opossum, really just to see what would happen

Most unusual conversation: Mental health stuff with my parents and therapist, more awkward than anything

Are you a good liar: Not really no depending on the person

How long could you go without talking: Well in quarantine all day, regular days though, maybe an hour at best, I absolutely love my friends, just only certain ones

What has been your worst haircut/ style: Back when it was longer than my shoulders and I wore it down. Except I never took care of it so it looked like shit.

Have you ever baked your own cake: Yes every birthday I make mine! I even had my friends help me with my most recent one!

Can you do any accent other than your own: maybe a southern one but no not really

What do you like on your toast: Nutella or cinnamon and sugar. I know, terrible for you

What is the last thing you drew a picture of: Uh me and @psychotic-roach and our pets but I'm self conscious about my art so I just didn't really show it to anyone (sorry Roach, I'm just super shy about my art!)

What would be your dream car: Me and my family had a running joke that I liked Tesla's, so probably a Tesla

Do you sing in the shower: No but I want to, I just don't like people hearing me sing

Do you believe in aliens: I believe we're not alone in the universe, weather it be new life billions of miles away or way advanced life a few galaxies away

Do you often read your horoscope: No, but astrology is fun to fuck with sometimes

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet: probably E or something, it's soothing in a weird way

Dinosaurs or dragons: DRAGONS DRAGONS I LOVE DRAGONS I'M A HUGE HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON NERD!!!

What do you think about babies: They're sweet sometimes, I'm honestly afraid of holding one or having to take care of one though

Freebie! Ask anything you can think of: I can't really think of anything so I guess just @psychotic-roach I love you!! @the-strawzish-clownfish thank you for these painful asks, they were fun :)

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 38

Okay, fresh from @parisconstantine, here is the next installment.  Head’s up to @baelpenrose, @books-and-cartoons, and @stuffy-lana, I managed to mention all of your amazing characters here.  This is by no means the last chapter for them, but the most basic possible introduction.

As far as everyone’s favorite side characters from the previous contest ( @thatkidfrompinterest and Zach, @werewolf2578 and Maverick and Grey), they are by no means going to go away!  I love those folks!

Thank you everyone, as always for reading this far.  Minor mention of someone kicking a pet, but the pet won in the end ;)

Much to my sister’s patient frustration, the search for my new assistant was slow-going.  As I eased back into my role as Councillor, some of the additional work was taken off her shoulders simply by virtue of Simon and I working together. She still had a long list of applicants to consider, and an even longer list of people who may be qualified but were currently assigned to other areas.  Logistics on the Ark were a curious thing, and the longer I worked with Tyche and Simon, the more I was amazed by her ability to keep everything straight.

For starters, there were several positions on the ship which were by appointment or election.  The Council itself was appointed, but when we reached the as-yet-unnamed colony, the positions would start rotating out on an elected basis, one per year. Administrators were appointed by a unanimous decision of the Council, from a list of applicants approved by the Councillor they would be assisting most directly. Some, like Tyche, served no member directly, and were therefore voted on by a group of candidates put forth by each of the Council.  Then there were department heads, educators, researchers….

It was a headache, to say the least.

Part of the reason I never wanted to be on the Council in the first place was a healthy distaste for bureaucracy, and it had never been more evident than now.  My request to have Xiomara pre-approve any applicant before I even saw their record caused quite a stir, which I didn’t even consider as a possibility. My life was on the line!  It seemed obvious that I would want the person in charge of ship safety to narrow down the list.  But no… Eino, Pranav, and Huynh all thought this was considered ‘undue influence’.  Simon agreed with me and Xiomara, but his vote and mine were considered one, representing the seat we shared. Grey abstained from opinion for over a month until they were able to list the pros and cons logically, eventually proposing that it would be a good practice for anyone appointed to the Council or as Administrator, with the caveat that Xiomara’s background check would replace her vote, since she obviously approved of any candidates she passed on.

All that before we could even start reviewing candidates.  I thought Tyche was going to eat the other Councillors before anything was decided.

Fortunately, she was ready to go when the approval finally came in, with nearly fifty applicants who fit the criteria I had given her as a starting point. One by one, Xiomara reviewed them officially, then handed them off to Derek for the deeper digging.  She wasn’t even terribly sneaky about it – she marched in my office, flicked each file to his datapad, and watched him tear them to digital shreds with a delight that nearly made my skin crawl.

<This guy kicked Lyric,> Derek signed, flicking the file to me and my sister. <That’s a no go.>

“Who is Lyric?” I asked faintly as I reviewed the file. Safety checks came back okay, no unusual psychological issues dating back to Before, no criminal history in the before other than a couple drunk and disorderlies.  Looked clean enough.  Background as an accountant, worked a barrista in school.

“Grandma Kim’s dog,” my sister clarified.

“Who is Grandma Kim? Kim what?”

“Just ‘Grandma Kim’,” was the shrugged reply. “Only name she ever gave anyone. She works with Antoine in Social Services. Tough as nails, sweet as tea.  No clue how old she is, but she reeks of combat training.  Lyric is her German Shepherd, acts somewhere between service dog and K-9 unit.  They get assigned to people who suffer from acute fear of being attacked – severe domestic violence victims, you get the idea.  She pulls a really good ‘doting grandma’ act, until she suddenly has someone backed against a wall with a sharp object in soft tissue.”

I whistled, impressed. “Any chance she applied?” A grandmotherly ninja sounded like a good bodyguard right about now, if I didn’t think Conor would be seventeen flavors of butt-hurt about being replaced.

My sister and Derek simultaneously answered “I wish” and <you wish>. No luck on my side. Damn.

“Okay, dog-kicker is out of the list, if he managed to survive kicking said dog?” I arched my eyebrow at Derek, specifically.

<Most of him. Lyric kept a few toes and a chunk of calf from what I read in the file.>

“I really hope Miys didn’t regenerate any of that,” I grumbled before glancing at the ceiling. “And don’t answer that.  I don’t want to be disappointed in a good dog or disappointed in myself.”

Tyche cleared her throat. “About Grandma Kim…” She looked at me pointedly.

“You said she didn’t apply for the position.” I was so confused.

“She didn’t.  But, mon soeur, you need a therapy companion – “

“I certainly do not.”

“You certainly do.  I know Conor is looking out for you, and Noah monitors you remotely when you’re alone, but it isn’t enough.  You barely sleep, you only eat if Noah or Conor force you to.  I can’t force you to, because I’m just as bad. I’ve seen the medical reports – “

“That’s an invasion of my privacy!” I nearly shrieked in panic.

“I’m your emergency contact, you idiot!” she shouted. “They are required to tell me these things! Did that never occur to you, you fucking genius!?” She and I both panted, trying to catch our breaths.

“You don’t have to assign me a boyfriend or girlfriend,” I grumbled.

She heaved a sigh and flattened me with a glare. “I’m not trying to get you fucking laid, dumbass. You need someone to take care of you the way you take care of literally everyone else.  Someone to protect you, and dote on you.” I opened my mouth to protest, but she blocked me with an outstretched hand and continued. “I want you to consider having Grandma Kim and Lyric assigned to you.” Staring me down until she was certain I had time to think it over, she finally moved her hand.

“You’re assigning me a grandmother?” I tilted my head in confusion.

“Duh.” I was reasonably certain her eyes were going to roll out of her head. “You wanna get laid, do it on your own time. But a sweet old lady who conjures her weight in gummy bears everywhere she goes, complete with big guard dog and impressively sharp knives?  Even I would sleep better knowing she was watching over you.”

“Conor would be hurt,” I tried complaining, only half-heartedly. “And Mac hates dogs.”

Derek clapped to get our attention. <Mac loves Lyric. They take naps together.>

God damn it, even the cat was against me.

“Plus, she cooks,” Tyche wheedled. “You could trade recipes. Conor would be so over the moon at fresh cooked food, I think he would be okay with being backup to a little old lady.”

“Little old ninja, from the sounds of it,” I grumbled. “Can I at least think it over?”

“All I ask,” Tyche grinned in victory, nonetheless.

<This one is racist.> Derek moved the conversation on.  Out of the forty approved by Xiomara, Derek only left seventeen in the end. A racist, two drunks, one who didn’t believe in mental disabilities, a handful of flat out assholes (“That’s not illegal,” Xiomara argued.  “It doesn’t mean it’s excusable,” I pointed out. After all, Derek had a high threshold of intolerable asshole).

Of the seventeen finalists, two files really stood out. The first just baffled me. “This guy is entirely too pretty,” I muttered. “And he put down that he was a bartender… why is he applying for this job? What’s his current assignment?”

Tyche hmmm’d for a second before responding. “Sebastian Reed, twenty-six, owned the bar, actually. Currently assigned to Social Services, helping grieving families and those who grew up in households with drug-addicts. Was engaged, pregnant fiancée drowned Before.”

“Wait. He’s currently twenty-six? That means he would have been sixteen when the world went to shit,” I pointed out, trying to make sense of it in my head.

Xiomara held up a hand to interject. “He stated he was twenty-five when he came on board. He looks about right for that age. You know the rules – whatever name and age you gave when you came on board are the name and age we go by.  Official documents may disagree with that, but everyone is entitled to their privacy. So, no snooping on that, if he wants to tell you anything to the contrary, that’s fine.  But I’ll tell you now – there is no official record of his birth, but the bar was left to him when he was eight years old, by an uncle that passed away.  It was remarkable enough that I was at least able to find record of that. The rest could be completely accurate from there.”

“Okay, fair. We’ll respect that.  My real question is this: if he owned a bar and knows how to bartend, why don’t we have a bar on this ship!?” I demanded. “Don’t get me wrong, I think he could completely do the job – bartenders deal with entirely too much shit, with a smile on their face usually, can say ‘no’ to literally anyone, and if he owned the bar I completely believe that he could manage meetings and scheduling.  But it would be a complete waste.  I cannot, in good conscience, take the chance that the Council would appoint him to be my administrator when we really need him to open a pub on this ship.” I dragged a hand through my hair, finally at the point where I could avoid tangles.  Luckily, my hair really didn’t tangle that much, so once I suffered through my sister getting them out, it pretty much stayed that way. “I’ll send him the request myself, once we find a space for him to open it in.”

I pulled up the second applicant that caught my attention and flicked it to my sister’s screen. “Is this a joke?” I asked. When she shook her head with a smirk, I groaned. “You cannot be serious.  This guy doesn’t even like me.”

“You literally put that down as a substantial portion of the criteria. He’s stubborn to a fault, but willing to listen and compromise.  Not just a willingness but a hunger to learn.  Looks at both sides of every conflict and comes to his own conclusions, usually in the middle, but remarkably liberal when he does take a side. Meticulously organized, knows who the authority figures are and wasn’t afraid to beard the dragon in its den, figuratively.  Most of all, he is neither a victim blamer nor a person who will only see what happened to you.  He literally, on the first time meeting you, saw a Councillor, ‘someone with sense’ as he said, and demanded your say as a Councillor.  Sure, he has no tact whatsoever, but that means he will say ‘no’ when it needs to be said, and damned the hurt feelings. It also means he is willing to disagree with you when you are wrong.”

“He actually included his encounter with you in the application,” Xiomara pointed out, highlighting the part in question. “Did you really threaten to burn the materials he was requesting?”

“They aren’t materials, they are books, and yes, I did.”

“He believed you would do it.”

“Oh, I meant it,” I chuckled. “With every fiber of my being, I meant it. While I understand his eagerness to get them, his timing was deplorable.”

“Are you really going to hand-deliver them to him?” Tyche asked, skeptical.

“I may not need to,” I murmured.  “Application by Alistair Worthington approved by me. If he passes the vote of the other four, I’ll hand them to him when I give him the job.”

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[lumosinlove]

On the third day of ficmas, Hazel gave to you…a New Year’s Eve party meet cute.

Sirius felt rather tired of the party in swing around him all of a sudden—even though it is his party. He straightened his button-down, the white collar falling open loosely at his collarbones, and took another sip of champagne. This one was made in Belgium. He’d given specific instructions to the waiting staff to bring out a different champagne per hour closer to midnight. He’d selected all of them himself, saving the best for last. It was ten forty-five now. He only had a few more moments with Belgium before it was off to Germany, and then, finally France. Because, of course. James and Lily made it a point to tell him at every one of his parties that he over did it, but what could he say? He’s on the list of twenty-five billionaires under twenty-five, and Sirius thought he’d earned a little extravagance. At least until he was thirty under thirty, and he had to—maybe—have a bit more poise.

Besides, he was always telling them, what else am I going to do with it all?

He looked briefly towards where they were laughing with Alice and Frank, then turned away towards the full-length window, watching fat flakes of snow fall down to coat the ground.

He gave to more charities than he could count, his brother would never have to work a day in his life if he didn’t want to. The rest was left to him. He’d spend it on his friends whether they liked it or not.

“Sirius! There you are!”

Sirius closed his eyes against the falling snow. Why had he let his assistant maneuver him into inviting any work relations at all? He pressed a smile onto his face and turned.

“Barty! So glad you could come.” He accepted the clammy handshake, “How are the kids?” Please don’t show me pictures.

Barty was already reaching for his wallet, “Oh, marvelous, wonderful, look here—“

And so Sirius spent the next ten minutes looking at pictures that ranged from baby to early childhood to first day of school, and the next ten discussing the best possible way to rope the Chudley Cannons into accepting a deal with this sponsor rather than that one. It was not the place at all, but Sirius figured he’d rather do it now than have to see Barty again later in the week.

“Padfoot.”

Sirius stops from where he had been arguing for looking into the Godric Griffins instead, and blinks at a boy who he doesn’t—no, almost doesn’t recognize. He certainly doesn’t recognize his nickname coming from his lips—no matter how full they may be.

“I—yes?”

The boy strides a few steps closer, turning to smile at Barty, “Hi, sorry mate, got to steal this one away. I’d also, though, go with the Griffins. They’re having a much better season.”

Barty opens and closes his mouth a few times, and then closes his wallet and accepts a glass of German champagne from a waiter walking by. He takes a sip, hums, and follows the tray for more.

Sirius places his own glass down, as it’s not Belgium’s hour anymore, and holds his handout with the same business-like smile, “Your Lily’s friend, aren’t you? So sorry, I think I’ve forgotten—“

“It’s alright, we haven’t actually met.” The boy grins and takes two Germany glasses from a passing tray, “You don’t have to pretend you know me, so put that smile away. I just thought you looked rather miserable.”

Sirius takes the glass slowly, watching the boy’s own easy grin, his soft but pilling sweater, “That smile?”

“You didn’t have this party to talk business.”

Sirius raises an eyebrow as he takes a sip, “No.”

The boy motions towards the window with his own glass, “But here you are sulking by the window until that guy comes up to chat about something that can definitely wait until Monday.”

Sirius lets out a huffy laugh, checking to make sure Barty is well out of hearing distance before taking a slightly larger sip, “I don’t want to see him on Monday.”

The boy hums in understanding and faces the window. He really should be getting that sweater dry-cleaned. Sirius watches his lips and his profile and suddenly has a strong urge to buy him a nicer one.

Sirius leans his shoulder against glass, cold seeping through his thin shirt, “What’s your name again? You never—“

“Oh.” The boy shakes his head, “Shit, sorry, it’s Remus.” He offers a smile, shaking his head like forgetful things like this happen all the time, “Hi.”

The corner of Sirius’ mouth lifts and he needs a second before he remembers to say, “Hi.”

“Do you like the champagne?” He adds. Could we go somewhere with a bottle of France to ourselves in a bit?

Remus nods, “Sure. Sort of like the cheese platter more, though. Not to burst your bubble or anything.”

Sirius laughs, shaking his head, “No, that’s fine. Did you see—“ He sighs, “Well, I arranged them to pair with the drinks but I’m fairly sure no one is going in order.” He glances over where he can just see someone—Peter, maybe—still nibbling on nine o’clock’s brie.

“You’re insane if you thought anyone would follow that rule, but,” When Sirius looks back at Remus as he pauses, he feels his ears heat because Remus is already looking at him, head dipped and lips soft, “but cute try.”

Sirius lets his temple rest against the window, “Yeah?”

They stay there, talking by the window until Sirius takes Remus’ German glass from his hands and replaces it with France.

“You have to like this one.” When Remus looks up at him, Sirius realizes how close they’ve gotten, how he can’t feel the chill of the window anymore.

“Is it your favorite?” Remus asks.

Sirius shrugs one shoulder, “It’s the most expensive.”

“But is it your favorite?”

Sirius blinks, “Oh. Well,” he lets out a small huffy laugh, “to be honest I don’t quite love this stuff.”

Remus tilts his head, “You’ve been serving it all night.”

“It’s New Year’s Eve.”

Remus studies him for a moment, then presses his lips together and holds his untouched glass out with finality, “I want your favorite. Not money’s favorite, your favorite.”

Sirius, to his credit, is not easily taken off his guard these days. He’d been ambushed too many times in stuffy meeting rooms with stale croissants on the table for that. He’s steady on his feet, trusts only himself, and is rather proud of the fact.

But here, he stutters. His heart feels warm in his chest. “I—mine?“

Remus holds his glass out more forcefully until Sirius takes it, “What do you like best?”

Sirius sets the glasses down on a side table behind him, “You really want to know?”

Remus nods, “Yeah.” Sirius might imagine it but he thinks that maybe Remus looked at his lips there for a moment, “I do.”

Sirius glances around the crowded apartment. Everyone is having a good time, paired off and merry. The televisions have been turned on. There’s a half an hour until midnight.

“Come on.”

Remus said nothing, just wove after Sirius through the apartment. Sirius nodded to James on his way by, shook hands and clapped a few shoulders, and checked a few times to make sure Remus hadn’t lost him.

He rounded the corner and stopped so suddenly that Remus bumped into his back, his nose knocking between his shoulder blades. Sirius suppressed a grin and pushed hard on one of the wooden panels of the wall. It clicked open and Remus sucked in a little breath.

“After you.”

Remus looked at him, “This is a secret door.”

Sirius nodded, “It is.”

“You have a secret door.”

“I have a lot of secret things.”

Remus let out a disbelieving laugh, looked once more over his shoulder, but allowed himself to be ushered through, Sirius following close behind.

“What the fu…” Sirius almost bumps into Remus this time, “Sirius, how big is this place?”

“A bit.” He lights up the small iPad on the wall and turns the lights on—still dim. He raises the shades too so they can just see the snow falling, “Well, no one really sees this part. I like…I like to have some of it to myself, you know? Somewhere that people can’t just…find during nights like this.” He offers Remus a small smile, “I host a lot of parties.”

“But I’m here.” Remus tilts his head again and Sirius clears his throat, making his way towards the small bar across the room that he keeps personally stocked. He lifts the counter gate up and slips behind it.

“Yeah. I don’t want to interrupt the kitchen right now, but you wanted a drink, so…” He places the three bottles he needs and a crystal mixer on the counter.

“I…Wait, Sirius, I don’t want you to feel like—I mean, I didn’t mean—“

“Remus. If I didn’t want you here, you wouldn’t be here.” He gives him a sure nod, “Really. Please, sit.”

Remus eyes the built-in leather bar stools for a moment before crossing to Sirius and sliding onto one. He fiddles with an ashtray, “Do you smoke?”

“No.” Sirius shrugs, “In case someone else does.”

Remus furrows his eyes at it for a minute, “But I thought…” His expression clears and he looks behind him, and the large bed set up by the window, the dark gray sheets and mountain of pillows. He quickly turns around, “Oh. Right, that’s…that’s thoughtful.”

Sirius really, really doesn’t want to talk about other people in his bed with this boy in front of him right now, “Don’t you want to know what you’re having?”

Remus looks up from where he’d still been looking at the ashtray and smiles, “Oh. Yeah.”

“Negroni.”

Remus scrunches his nose, “That sounds like a self defense move.”

Sirius lets out a loud laugh, “It’s not, but that’s funny. Do you want to grab me an orange from that bowl while I mix this?”

Remus follows his gaze to the fruit bowl behind the counter and nods. Instead of opening the gate he promptly ducks beneath it, “Here.”

Sirius has only just finished pouring when the sound of people counting down comes muffled from the other room. They both look towards the door.

“Huh.” Remus smiles softly and accepts the thin, wide-mouthed glass Sirius holds out to him, “Midnight already.”

“Yeah.” Sirius makes no move to pick up his own glass, and Remus just holds his.

The counters reach one and fireworks start almost immediately. The snow outside turns shades of red and green and purple, and it reflects off of Remus’ skin and hair, even from here.

Neither of them has said anything yet, but they’re looking at each other and listening to the celebration. Sirius suddenly really hopes Remus hasn’t seen this as some strange ploy to get him alone, especially with the talk about having people in here earlier, and his mind spins for a good ten seconds around how to ask for a kiss, or should he ask for a kiss, when Remus lets out a breath.

“I know we met two hours ago but—“ And Remus shakes his head for a moment, and his eyes definitely find Sirius’ mouth this time before his own lips do. His mouth is as hot as he makes Sirius’ chest feel and Sirius’ hand finds one side of Remus’ jaw. And then it’s over. Sirius’ fingers stay though.

“I—Happy, uh.”

“Yeah.” Sirius agrees.

“Yeah.” Remus doesn’t look quite focused. His cheek is sort of pressing into Sirius’ palm, and Sirius doesn’t really realize he’s leaned forward until Remus’ tongue is licking into his mouth, and somehow Remus is planted firmly on the counter, knocking their drinks askew.

“Fuck, I didn’t even try it.” Remus mumbles the words against Sirius’ mouth, fingers splayed and curling into his hair.

“Make you another.” Sirius just gasps out before they’re kissing again. It’s easier, now that Remus is Sirius’ height, but Sirius drags his mouth down to Remus’ neck anyhow, all the way to the worn collar of his sweater, “Later.”

Remus laughs, but it sort of comes out a moan, and Sirius looks up, “I don’t—I mean, is this okay? I honestly, I didn’t take you here for this, I don’t want you to think—”

Remus takes a breath—a few breaths—and smiles. Somehow that smile is Sirius’ favorite part of this entire scenario. His hands curl around Sirius’ ears, weaving the soft hair there through his fingers, and he leans down for a much softer kiss, “This is okay. But you do have…”

Sirius sighs, “A shit ton of guests.”

Remus nods solemnly, “A shit ton of guests.”

Sirius smiles against a sigh but nods, helping Remus down from the counter and around the spilled drinks on the floor.

Remus straightens Sirius’ collar for him before they sneak back into the party. It’s emptied out a little, maybe, but not much.

“Hey.” Sirius loops his fingers around Remus’ wrist to stop him from going too far into the main room, “Get brunch with me tomorrow. I know a place.”

Remus studies him for a moment before grinning, “No, I know a place. But, yes. I’ll pick you up at Twelve. Yeah?”

Sirius blinks, “I—Yeah.” He smiles back, “Good.”

“Happy New Year’s, Sirius.”

Sirius watches him move over to James and Lily, both of whom are looking a little flushed, and says softly, “You too.”

[sylleboi]

𝕰𝖓𝖈𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖗

Unit 8: Developing an art and design project.

For our FMP (Final Major Project), we are required to do some research activities. This includes the following;

Select an image or and object that inspires you. This could be something in your home/garden/room/journal. Take a photo of it and explain why you selected it.

Select an image of an artwork or design in a museum collection that you like.

Select a quote or textual reference that interests you. This could be a passage from a book you have read, a headline from a newspaper or magazine, text from a comic book or graphic novel, something inspirational someone has said or written, a song lyric, etc.

Afterward, we are told to ask someone that we know to do the same and to make sure to document their responses. Ask them to tell you about their choices and make a note of what they say.

Create drawings/sketches/doodles based on the research you have collected. These will be necessary for the next part.

Using all of the material you have collected, create a collage/mixed media piece/image that visualises your ‘encounter’ with the person you spoke to.

By the end, we are expected to be able to present all of the above in the first week of our FMP, making sure that it can be presented in an appropriate format such as a sketchbook, blog, production file or portfolio.

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01: Select an image or and object that inspires you. This could be something in your home/garden/room/journal. Take a photo of it and explain why you selected it.

For the selection of the image/object that personally inspires me, I chose plants as a general. I have always grown up around greenery, helping my parents in the garden since I was a kid. It was an unavoidable thing to encounter in the Danish countryside where I grew up. I have always found that the cycle of growth, death and surviving is inspirational to me. I have gone through many things in my life already, most of them not coming from a healthy place, but having plants decorating every possible wall and surface in my room was helped me more than I initially would have thought that it could. I felt less alone; like I had a reason to live, although it might seem little to some, I couldn’t end things for good, knowing I would completely abandon all those plants; living organisms; sending them to deteriorate with me. Although I am doing better, I cant seem to fully feel and be me without the presence of the green leaves and spiky cacti all around.

Below is a picture of all the plants I currently own:

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02: Select an image of an artwork or design in a museum collection that you like.

This step took me some thinking to do- I have many favorites that come to mind when thinking of artworks that I feel some sort of connection to, but I found myself coming back to one specifically, multiple times; Lucifer by Franz Von Stuck. My first encounter with this painting was in a museum in Germany. I was touring with my music school and our choir, (Ollerup Efterskole kor 16/17), in which we were allowed time off to just wander around the different cities we went to, exploring all the different corners of each destination. With some friends, we found a museum in Erfurt.

I don’t remember the name of it, but I recall it to be quite small. I picked up a magazine in there, showing different old paintings and artists, all German. That was where I found a small picture showing the work of Franz Von Stuck and the piece Lucifer.

Below is a picture of this painting:

Lucifer, Franz Von Stuck, c. 1890

I feel as if there are many different reasons as to why I was so immediately drawn into this. At the point that I was in my life when I saw this painting, I was going through some tough times. Within the magazine, around all of the colourful landscape paintings and portraits, this stood out immensely. There’s little colour and light, making for less clear information for your eyes to read, causing you to fill in the gaps yourself.

This is something I myself have adapted into my own artwork, for the main reason being how I find it intriguing and fun to twist people's minds to think and see something different every time they lay eyes on a piece of artwork.

One thing that I have found myself to have adapted since discovering this piece of artwork is the eyes; the way I draw them has changed over the years after seeing Franz’s art. Below are various examples of this:

I have found inspiration in his artwork, the darkness of it, the lighter aspects and everything in between, but it is not only his use of colour and shade that I admire but the way that he has managed to convey emotion. I personally find myself to aspire to be able to convey it as successfully as he has here; the rawness of it makes it all the better.

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03: Select a quote or textual reference that interests you. This could be a passage from a book you have read, a headline from a newspaper or magazine, text from a comic book or graphic novel, something inspirational someone has said or written, a song lyric, etc.

For the quote, I knew right away what I wanted to pick; a lyric from a boy band called Brockhampton, more specifically from their song J’ouvert. 

One of my favorites in this group is a guy called Russell Boring, but is better known as JOBA.

In J’ouvert, his verse goes as such:

'Til the casket drops, I will play God Fuck the world, let's start a riot Got too much, too quick God damn, I'm feelin' sick, bitch, call the doctor Don't act like I ain't been dead to ya Don't act like I ain't deserve this shit Couldn't last a day inside my head That's why I did the drugs I did Got issues with these motherfuckers Looking down from they pedestals From that petty view, on that petty shit Pray for peace with a knife in my hand Speak my piece like a gun to my head Come equipped just to blast this shit Misunderstood since birth Fuck what you think, and fuck what you heard I feel betrayed, you can keep the praise And all of the fuck shit need to get away Still ain't got the fright to the fickle-minded people I thought I knew better, wish I knew better Should have known better, wish that I was better At dealing with the fame and you fake motherfuckers Guess I'm too real

But the part that really hits deep with me is near the end of the verse, which is the highlighted part; (I thought I knew better, wish I knew better, Should have known better, wish that I was better).

This quote hits deep for several different reasons, but mostly it’s on the background of how I’ve been raised; how I’ve been taught to see and view the world, as well as myself. My parents have always been there to push me further; which I don’t see much wrong in, but well...

If I came home with a B, all that I’d get back would be odd looks of disappointment and “Huh... a B? Why not an A? or an A+?”.

Still, this ideology is stuck with me. I always feel as if I should know better, should do better and be better. - I don’t think I’ll be able to let go of this for some time, although I’ve tried countless times. I believe it’s built on the fear that If I don’t live to impress my family, they will completely cut me out of their lives; as they have done on all social media already. It used to be a go-to threat that would echo through the house a year ago.  ; “Do this, and this will happen”. - Come out to your friends as trans? Well, then we’ll force you to wear a dress while touring Denmark and Germany with the choir in your boarding school:

Ever since I physically removed myself from that place, it’s been a process of healing. In Joba’s verse in J’ouvert there is another part that applies seamlessly to what I used to feel and probably still feel quite a lot today, marked in bold:

'Til the casket drops, I will play God Fuck the world, let's start a riot Got too much, too quick God damn, I'm feelin' sick, bitch, call the doctor Don't act like I ain't been dead to ya Don't act like I ain't deserve this shit Couldn't last a day inside my head That's why I did the drugs I did Got issues with these motherfuckers Looking down from they pedestals From that petty view, on that petty shit Pray for peace with a knife in my hand Speak my piece like a gun to my head Come equipped just to blast this shit Misunderstood since birth Fuck what you think, and fuck what you heard I feel betrayed, you can keep the praise And all of the fuck shit need to get away Still ain't got the fright to the fickle-minded people I thought I knew better, wish I knew better Should have known better, wish that I was better At dealing with the fame and you fake motherfuckers Guess I'm too real

I’ve been through so much at this point, that things such as people talking behind my back, calling me names, or doubting me seems so little and worthless. I simply don’t care anymore; Don’t care what people I barely known thinks of me, don’t care what they’ve heard about me. I am who I am and no one can take that away from me, at least not anymore.

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04: Afterward, we are told to ask someone that we know to do the same and to make sure to document their responses. Ask them to tell you about their choices and make a note of what they say.

I chose a good friend of mine to fill in the other side of the coin for this task. I let them explain everything since I feel that it’s personal to them, and they will know how to word it the best; I simply just asked them questions.

01.2: “Why have you chosen this object, and what is it?”

“I chose this to be the object because it has great sentimental value to me, but from first glance to those who don’t know what it is - it seems ordinary. The picture is an illusion piece, by tricking your eyes to look at the pattern a certain way, the background appears to completely drop back - as if there is depth to it - and from the background, an Eagle of the same colours emerges. What is interesting about this object, is not only that it first belonged to my late grandmother who gave it to my father (her son), and then my mother but also that it appears only me and my family are able to see it. As far as I know, the illusion hasn’t been worked out by anyone else who we’ve showed it to; it’s almost like our own personal piece of art.”

02.2: “What painting did you choose, and why?”

Artwork: NIGHTMARE FUEL by Oleg Vdovenko

“This piece of art has been the center of a great deal of curiosity and confusion for many years, for me at least. I’ve always wanted to understand it, and if ever came the opportunity I would love to ask Oleg Vdovenko what exactly is happening within the piece, the story behind this strange and somehow almost religious scene. The piece is so compelling, and as a writer, it has always made me want to understand the events leading up to the scene in this painting.”

03.2: “Which quote have you chosen, and why this in particular?”

Quote 15, by Plato.

“This quote speaks to me primarily because I am someone who as a child was fascinated by sleep. I have always been interested in sleep, what happens and where exactly we go. Training myself to achieve lucid sleep was something I used to do often as a child, as well as practicing the art of being able to remember dreams. Even now in my young adult years, I still continue to write down my dreams and remember each of them very clearly due to the practice that I did as a child. Sometimes, as someone who has experienced the less desirable aspects of sleep as well (i.e. sleep paralysis and insomnia) the line between asleep and awake can become blurred. This quote really spoke to me, and made me recognizer the existential idea that we may never know if we are truly all just asleep, or awake.”

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05: Create drawings/sketches/doodles based on the research you have collected. These will be necessary for the next part.

Below are some scans of some doodles and sketches that I did while just letting go and try not to think too much whilst drawing;

06: Using all of the material you have collected, create a collage/mixed media piece/image that visualizes your ‘encounter’ with the person you spoke to.

[elysiumwaits]

I was tagged by @novemberhush which is great because I love to talk about myself. It’s a problem sometimes at work, but it’s great for when I’m in therapy and doing memes on the internet!

Rules: answer 15 questions and then tag 15 people

1) Are you named after anyone?

Kind of. So my name is Emily. My mom had a cat named Emma - my biological father (who was not a good man) was jealous of the cat, and, long story short, Mom did not have a cat because of this asshole. So she named me Emily because she liked the name. I’m essentially named after her favorite pet. My middle name is Marie, it’s a family name - the last person who had it before me was my Great Aunt Marie, and she was, I’m told, the kind of woman who would take no shit and no prisoners. My mother told me it’s a very fitting middle name for me.

That said, please, please, please don’t call me Emily. Em is okay, I go by that in real life, but I actually prefer Eli or Ely most of the time. 

2) When was the last time you cried?

Shit, son, I cry at the drop of a hat. Probably a couple days ago? I’m a frustration crier and a happy crier and a oh-shit-I-dropped-my-fork-again crier, so it just... doesn’t really register anymore.

3) Do you have kids?

No. I work in a daycare, specifically the infant room. I love it, but personally, I don’t feel like kids are currently in the plan. This may change - I love children, but right now I don’t trust anyone enough to share a child with them, nor am I financially or mentally stable enough to raise one. 

I am, however, extremely maternal, so I will probably eventually have one. Just one.

4) Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Mmm, kind of? I don’t suffer fools gladly, which is sometimes a problem because my mouth moves before my brain catches up. I don’t use sarcasm in a mean or mocking way with people who don’t know any better - I will exaggerate it to use it with children so they know, without a doubt, that it’s sarcasm and a joke. Adults who should know better than to do ridiculous things, though, are fair game. 

Take, for example, the woman who told me I didn’t dress professionally enough in the infant room because I was wearing leggings and a comfortable t-shirt.

I used sarcasm with her. “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re absolutely right, I’m sure you put makeup and heels on for [child]’s 4 am feedings, too, right?” And then I pointed out the stains on my shirt from baby food and formula. 

With kids, though, who are old enough to understand what sarcasm is, I’ll do a really exaggerated, over the top eyeroll and be like “Oh, goodness, we never ever go outside, do we? We’ve never gone outside a single day you’ve been here!” or something like that, because they laugh and they know it’s a joke. It also helps them develop critical thinking and communication skills.

5) What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Okay, so, I am a hypervigilant person thanks to a lot of PTSD-inducing trauma, so the first thing I notice about a person is usually how they hold themselves and if they have anything in their hand. I notice body language religiously - someone with an aggressive, threatening stance is immediately labeled a threat, whereas a person walking with arms to the side, shoulders back, and a general open body language is labeled not-a-threat.

That’s how I live my life, day to day. Threat or not-a-threat. Every single place I go.

I don’t recommend it.

6) What’s your eye colour?

Blue - apparently a very striking blue, I’ve been asked multiple times if I wear contacts. I do not.

7) Scary movie or happy ending?

HAPPY ENDING. And honestly, I have to know that beforehand or I have too much anxiety to enjoy the book/film/show/game.

8) Any special talents?

Writing, though that’s less talent and more intense and obsessive devotion to a craft. 

I hesitate to add: I’m also very good with tarot cards. Give me enough time with a person, one of my decks, and I can pry deep into their lives and tell them things about themselves that they’ve never revealed to another soul. It’s honestly terrifying. I have stories.

9) Where were you born?

Missouri. Technically in a helicopter, not actually in a hospital. It was a very emergency C-section, I was a month early, and Mom had actually coded. She likes to tell people that I’ve tried to kill her at least once!

10) What are your hobbies?

Writing, gaming, reading, Youtube videos and shows, crochet (less so lately, I have trouble remembering patterns these days). I write a lot, I read mostly fanfiction right now, I game when I can (usually Skyrim, Dragon Age Inquisition, or Minecraft), I watch a lot of Rooster Teeth and Achievement Hunter, and occasionally I make blankets and washcloths when I get so stressed that I can’t function.

11) Do you have pets?

YES. Okay, so I have Boo, who actually might be my soulmate. I’ve never felt so close to an animal. He hopped in my car one day when I pulled into a parking lot, and I was like “Oh, okay, I have a cat now,” and he’s been mine ever since. In my defense, he was very, very skinny, declawed, and more than likely abandoned. I call him Seizure Cat sometimes because he always seems to know when I’m about to seize, and he’ll climb on me and purr so that I don’t wake up alone. It really helps. 

Then I have Piper, who is my princess. She is 16-17, and to be frank, I stole her. I say I rescued her, but essentially, I stole her. I saw my friend’s dad kick her hard enough she bounced off a wall, and when it was time to go, I just picked her up and took her with me. For a long time, I was the only person she would let near her. She’s mellowed out quite a bit, hangs out mostly in her basket next to the food bowl, and yells when she wants attention - if you try to pet her before she wants it, she gets super angry. So affection is always on her terms!

Last but not least is actually my parents’ dog, Kobe. He is a massive German Shepherd/Treeing Walker Hound mix that we got from a pound in St. Louis. Brought him home at 8 pounds, found out he had distemper (he was the only of his litter to survive it), and 95 pounds and roughly three years later, he sleeps at the end of my bed (or couch when I can’t sleep in the bed). He is insanely smart - he’s officially smart enough that he knows all the commands he’s supposed to, can understand sentences and respond to them. He just doesn’t listen, because he pretty much knows he doesn’t have to. Luckily he’s an only dog, and my parents and I adore him, because he’s pretty much untrainable, simply because he’s so damn stubborn.

12) What sport do you play/have you played?

I can tell you that there is not a single person in this world who has ever looked at me and said “oh yeah, she’s sporty.”

I broke my wrist in a junior high kickball game. I wasn’t even playing. I was walking around the gym, talking with my hands with my friend @artsake-dreams and someone kicked the ball. It was hard enough that it flew across the gym, bounced off my hand, and snapped my wrist. The gym teacher didn’t believe I was hurt, the substitute nurse thought I was faking, so I walked to the office and cried to the secretary (who was my mom’s friend, mom is a teacher in the same district). Mom brought the x-rays in and very quietly and intensely not-yelled at the nurse and the gym teacher.

Later, in senior year, I got banned from playing hockey in the gym because I was too aggressive and almost got a detention for swearing. The only reason I didn’t was because the PE teacher was honestly just glad I was showing an interest in something physical.

13) How tall are you?

5’3

14) Favourite subject at school?

English/Writing. I also really enjoyed the sciences, even if I wasn’t good at the math. I was excellent when it came to the theories, but the formulas were really difficult for me. I also really love philosophy.

15) Dream job

I want to say writer, but that’s a lie because I don’t like people giving me deadlines for writing. I think an editor with a publisher is my dream job. Possibly a college-level writing/English/literature teacher. I’m one of those people who believes that writing is a skill that can be taught (though some are born with an innate talent) and that it’s something that should be taught. But that’s a post for another day.

Uh, okay, tagging some people? @artsake-dreams @sophaoat @thepeacering @icarusthriving UUUH it’s 2 am I don’t know 15 people off the top of my head, sorry, BUT if you see this you’re welcome to do it and say I tagged you!!!

[bookcrook]

Absolutely Smitten

Dang. I really suck at keeping my word, don’t I? Whelp, for those who care, it’s here now! This is the first of I don’t know how many parts of “Six Foot Seven”, a new series/book thing I’ve been working on lately, requested by @i-cant-reach-im-too-short! The entirety of the series will be based on her real-life love story, as well as a playlist she gave me. First song was Absolutely Smitten by Dodie Clark. Hope you all enjoy! :)

“Teddy, come eat!” I call out from the kitchen, rattling his food around the large metal bowl. I wait a few minutes before yelling out his name again. “Teddy! Teddy Bear! C’mon! I have to leave soon and you need to eat.” Still no response.

And so begins my daily game of “Find the Giant Dog Hiding in my Tiny Apartment and Hope He Didn’t Run Off and Start the Zombie Apocalypse Without Me”. Such a great way to start my day…

I search behind couches and loveseats, inside closets and my bathroom only to find absolutely nothing. “Where, oh where has my Teddy gone, oh where, oh where could he be,” I sing softly under my breath, “In the closet he’s not, with me he’s… Also not, oh where, oh where could he be.” I continue with my non-rhyming song, raising my volume a little as I get closer and closer to my bedroom, the only other place he could be hiding. 

When I finally reach the doorway, I hear a playful bark come out from beneath my bed. I lower myself down to my knees, pull up the flashlight on my phone, and put my right cheek against the carpet. And, sure enough, I’m staring into the eyes of my slightly-obnoxious-but-still-very-lovable German Shepard. Who also just so happens to be stuck underneath the bed I just got. 

How he got there is beyond me and getting him out is going to be a serious victory on my end. As in, the kind of victory that deserves a pint and a half of double chocolate chip ice cream and a box of Cheez-Its after work. I try coaxing him out, seeing if he can squeeze himself just enough to remove himself from the tight spot. I bribe him with treats and squeaky toys, but he doesn’t move a muscle. So, I move on to what I knew was, ultimately, inevitable and would no doubt break all of my limbs off of my body.

Have you ever seen a 5’2 Asian girl trying to lift up a Queen size metal bed frame (with the mattress on top of it because she had just woken up half an hour ago and was still extremely tired, so she wasn’t smart enough to take it off) at least a foot off the ground completely and utterly by herself? I haven’t, but God damn it must be hilarious to look at. Actually doing it, though? Terrible. Absolutely horrid. The worst thing I’ve ever done in my 22 years of living. I mean, seriously. What is this thing made out of? Steel with a brick-filled mattress? Ridiculousness, I tell you!

Twenty minutes later, Teddy is roaming free around our brand new home while I’m lying on my bedroom floor exhausted and trying to find a will to live, which immediately comes with an alarm going off on my phone. Who would’ve thought I’d be so ecstatic to leave the comfort of my apartment for an entire day of work behind a desk only running on four hours of sleep. I force myself up and attempt to wipe as much dog hair off of my once clean clothes, abandoning hope soon after---there’s just no escaping it.

Collecting my things, I make my way toward the door, glancing quickly at the clock on my stove. Right on time, I think to myself. Waiting for the elevator was maddening. Come on... 

I mash the button impatiently, muttering curse words under my breath in frustration. I do the same when the doors finally slide open, revealing a small family of three with a tiny puppy on a leash. The slow background music only fueled my anxiety. 

Before the doors are even wide enough to accommodate an entire person, I slip through the tiny gap and race outside. I flatten my hair and my eyes immediately dart to the left, finding exactly what---or, more specifically, who---I was looking for walking toward me.

“Holy shit,” I murmur softly. How is it possible for one person to look so amazing just walking down the street? I soon realize I’m staring like a literal stalker, so before I’m caught, I turn and start walking swiftly in the same direction he’s going.

“Megan!” I hear a familiar, deep voice call from behind me, “Wait up!”

“Not a chance! I’d say you’ve got long enough legs to catch up to me,” I respond, an air of fake confidence in my voice. I slow down only slightly, despite my original statement, and, sure enough, Owen manages to reach me in a few long strides. 

“You’re difficult, you know that?” he laughs softly. I pray that no one saw my insides turn into literal jelly. What am I even supposed to do? My legs keep moving, but my mind is such a jumbled mush that it can’t comprehend anything around me. Which shouldn’t be happening. I’m a strong, independent woman---I don’t need him telling me if I’m pretty or not. I don’t.

So, as we walk, I begin concentrating on not concentrating on him. I quickly find that doing so is no use to me and caused me to not hear a single word Owen just spoke.

“You still there, shorty?” he teases, poking the top of my head.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah! Sorry. Just a little out of it, I guess.” Which was true, to be fair---I just decided it would be better to give him only half of the truth, for my heart’s sake. “What’d you say?”

Owen’s shoulder bumps into mine slightly, “I asked if you were eating in the office today. Thought I’d join you, but it looks as though you’re empty-handed.”

I stop in my tracks as he finishes speaking. “Idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot,” I whisper to myself, hoping he doesn’t hear me. Because my luck is shit today, he does, and he seems to believe I was talking to him. 

“Excuse me?” Owen laughs nervously, surprised by my comment.

“No!” I exclaim a little too loudly, “Not you! I was talking to myself. Didn’t realize it until you mentioned it, but I forgot my food at home; it’s been a crazy morning, so I didn’t really think about grabbing to before I left.”

“What happened?”

“Oh, nothing important, really. Just stuff with my dog…” I wanted to add ‘and you’, but it seems a bit… Forward. Creepy. Stalker-ish. Take your pick. “Made some grilled chicken, noodles, and asparagus last night, too. Looks like it’s the vending machine for me today! Yay.”

“I mean, you don’t have to…” Owen looks away slightly as his sentence trails off.

I let out a bitter laugh. “Unless you’re suggesting that I turn back and risk being late just for a bag of mediocre food, I’m afraid I do.”

“Fair point, but no. ‘Tis not what I mean by that, miss,” he taunts, putting on one of the worst fake British accents I’ve ever heard. It’s something he does often. Why? No clue---not even an inkling of an idea, but it makes my heart melt every time.

“Then what do you have in mind?”

“We could always go out to lunch. There’s this cafe-diner-thing a block or two down from the office that serve the best grilled cheese known to man. If you haven’t tried don’t think I won’t drag you there myself,” Owen laughs. I can feel my eyes light up at the prospect of that. “It can be a group thing or something.”

My shoulders deflate just a tiny bit. I knew it wasn’t going to be a date---I’m not that stupid, but I hoped it could at least be just the two of us. It’s okay, I think to myself, taking in a deep breath, It doesn’t matter. We’re just friends. I force a smile before agreeing. “Oh, yeah. Totally! Sounds great. I can see if Laura and Chelsea want to come.”

We’d finally reached our destination when the conversation began and are now parting ways as it ends. “Awesome! See you then?”

“Definitely,” I say softly. Despite my disappointment, I’m able to produce a small---but very genuine---smile.

I’m practically floating as I make my way to my tiny desk and collapse onto my rolling chair. Slumped completely down (in a way that is terrible for my back), I let out a startled screech as a voice, seemingly coming from nowhere, scares me senseless.

“You’re late,” Chelsea teases in a sing-song tone from above me.

“...No I’m not.” I point at the large clock across the room.

“How…” she stumbles over words, “How do you know I didn’t come in early and change the time on all of the clocks because... Pranks?”

“Chels, you’re still wearing your coat.”

“It’s cold.”

“How about the fact that, one, your coffee is still steaming and you refuse to drink the tar that they have here. Two, you don’t wake up any earlier than you absolutely have to because you’re the definition of a night owl. Or, and I’d say this is my most convincing argument, three, you just don’t care enough to do that.” I sit up as I rest my case and begin pulling out my things for the day.

“You’re no fun,” Chelsea pouts, lowering herself behind the cork board wall that separates us.

Ignoring her very hurtful words, I continue the conversation as though nothing happened, “Has Laura come in yet?”

She scoots her chair over to your side as she answers, “I don’t think so. Or if she has I haven’t seen her. Why?”

I let out a groan and drop my head onto my desk, smashing the keys on my laptop. “Great. I needed her to help me make some copies because I have to meet with some clients later today and I have no clue how to work that… Thing.”

Chelsea opens her mouth, prepared to offer help, but I cut her off before she can, “Don’t. I love you, but she’s the only one who can tame the beast. I swear that if anyone looked at it the wrong way it would set the entire building on fire. Especially if it were either of us.”

“That’s fair,” she relinquishes. Suddenly, a tornado in human form tears through the office dropping a pile of things on Laura’s desk and races into a conference room, all in a matter of .04357 milliseconds.

“She’s here,” I chuckle slightly.

Twenty minutes later, Laura races back into the room and all but sprints to her desk. Thinking she might actually be done in there, I try to ask for her help. And, before I’m ever able to finish saying her name, she explains, “Can’t talk right now. Still doing the presentation; just forget some papers.”

Not long after that, Laura is finally free and snatches my papers from my desk, taking them to that dreaded machine and returning with 15 more than I need.

“Sorry about the extras,” she sighs as she drops them in my lap, “There was an error with the copier, but at least you have those if you need them.”

“Thank you!” I exclaim in a hushed voice, “You are a life saver, I swear!”

“Are you just now figuring that out?” Laura laughs.

I stick my tongue out at her before continuing my work.

I later feel a light tap on my shoulder. Turning around, I find Owen standing there, a large stack of papers in his hand. “Hey, what’s up?”

“I was just on my way to steal Anthony’s copier, but I thought I’d let you know that James, Benny, and the others can’t make it to lunch. Any luck with you?”

Before I can even consider speaking, Laura immediately turned the focus of the conversation to Anthony. “Wait. Wait just a second. Anthony’s been hiding a perfectly working copier from us?!”

“Guess so.” Owen gives a small shrug.

“What the hell!” she exclaims angrily.

To avoid the situation from escalating, I direct us back to our original topic. “I completely forgot to ask about lunch. Umm… Chels, Laura, either of you doing anything for lunch? I forgot my food this morning, so we thought it’d be a fun idea to get a little group together to go out.” My friends share a conspiratorial look when I’m finished. 

Chelsea’s the first to respond. “I really wish I could, but,” she pauses, “I have to run home and feed Pepper. Planned on just stopping by McDonald’s or something on my way back.”

“Neither can I,” Laura sighs with an ingenuine sadness in her voice, “Thomas wanted to take me out at that new sushi place across town. Sorry. Hope you guys have fun.”

A smile twitching on his lips, Owen turns back to me. “Just the two of us, then.”

“Yep,” I mumble quietly, my face growing warmer by the second.

“See you in a bit?” 

“Yep,” I repeat myself. His smile was now a grin as he left. Once he’s gone, I snap my eyes back to the two girls, glaring.

“What the fuck was that about?! First of all, you,” I point at Chelsea’s floating head, “Don’t a cat. Or a dog. Or any kind of pet! As for you, Laura. Don’t think I don’t know that Thomas won’t be home for another week. That’s all you’ve been talking about since he left!”

“It’s a week and three days,” she corrects me.

“Exactly my point!”

“Sorry, but we had to!” Chelsea cuts in, “You’ve had one of Cupid’s little arrows stuck in your ass since you started working here two years ago!”

“Not to mention the fact that this is probably the happiest we’ve seen you since your sister made you move out all because what’s-his-name told her to,” Laura adds.

I sigh, sinking into my chair for the second time today. “I know you guys are just trying to be nice. And, you’re right; I have been. He just makes me feel all kinds of weird inside. It’s like I can’t control anything when I’m around him, but that doesn’t mean I need your help with him.”

Laura scoffs and Chelsea rolls her eyes at my obvious lie. “Okay. Fine, I do. But don’t do it so obviously next time!”

My personal matchmakers lower themselves back down and I spin back to my computer. Just another hour to go…

                                                   🔹🔹🔹🔹

Lunch seemed to fly by quickly. As we waited on our food, conversations were had about simple, silly things like our favorite color, or how we drink our coffee. Others were about how work had been going and what movies we’d watched recently.

“Okay...” he pondered as he took a sip of his sweet tea, “What’s your favorite scary movie?” Shocked by the question, I couldn’t come up with an answer, so I gave him the most definite one that I could. Kind of. 

“Probably anything but the Chuckie movies,” I laughed.

The moment that sentence left my mouth, he immediately corrected me. “It’s Child’s Play, you know?”

“What?”

“The movies.”

“Whatever it’s called, it scarred me for life, and I want absolutely nothing to do with it.” I crossed my arms and shuddered at the thought of even possibly watching it again. I knew it was a terrible movie, but that didn’t change anything.

The stroll back was uneventful, but peaceful. And, now, as we wait out the last couple minutes before we had to return to our respective desks, Owen and I have found ourselves walking slowly back to mine, trying to make our time together stretch as long as possible. 

Suddenly, Owen grabs my arm gently, pulling me to a stop just a few feet short of my destination, and leans in. My breaths shorten and my body goes frigid as he does so.

His lips brush against my ear as he says softly, “Please don’t think I’m weird for doing this, but Laura and Chelsea have been eavesdropping since we were within listening distance. Anyway, I was wondering if you’d maybe like to go out to dinner tonight? Or this weekend? Or just, at any point in time that would conveniently work for you?”

I let out a chuckle---no, a giggle---at his awkwardness, but then I’m immediately hit by butterflies flooding my stomach as I take in his words. Once I finally come to my senses, my head is frantically bobbing up in down in complete and utter agreement. 

After we shared out little… Moment, I make my way to my desk. At this point, I’m not even trying to hide the giant grin on my face. Or my blushing cheeks. Or the fact that my heart is thudding in my chest with pure excitement and joy.

Chelsea and Laura don’t bother pretending that they didn’t see what just happened, and they were sure to let me know about that. 

“Did you see the way he was looking at you?” Laura gushes, “And that smile?! What’d he say?”

“What are you even talking about? It was nothing,” I roll my eyes at the rambunctious, gossip-hungry pair, but tell them anyway. “He just asked if I wanted to go out for dinner sometime.”

“Nothing?” Chelsea practically yells, “Are you kidding? There’s no way he doesn’t like you!”

I roll my eyes yet again, knowing not to get my hopes up, but I can’t help but wonder. I’d like to believe I’m not completely clueless; it’s obvious he just asked me on a date, but will it actually go anywhere? 

The days that followed were spent trying to coordinate Owen and I’s schedules on the way to work, and deciding where we could go. We also found ourselves around each other outside of work more than usual as we waited for the day to come.

One more week… That’s all I’ve gotta do; make it one more week and I’ll know for sure if this will work out.