#not that it would matter but i do wonder if it is the avpd or if i got smthn else going on entirely

[tamagotchikgs]

really though my like object permanence for emotions is nonexistent if i am not actively feeling it i might as well never have and it they r active they r . So much . they take over me completely. 2 the point even happiness feels painful but in a good way i think,, but i will go from like. reduced 2 just wirthing ripping out my heart i am in agony everything has always been & will always be agony to oh, everything is great :] 1 lil thing flipped me upside down n now the world has always been this colourful i cant imagine anything else and then OU,,,,, crying sobbing pain anguish joy doesnt exist. all within the span of like. 10 mins. but it feels so much longer my brain is living in a whole different world. also it is not only painful 4 me but also a big issue when it comes to bad things happening irl, because like. say when my pet rat died, i was fucking inconsolable but then , Fine. it was over. n it feels so bad i feel so guilty i cant hold onto anything for the amount of time i should everything is just in n out n in n out clock in extreme pain clock out clock in extreme joy clock out for no apparent reason

[akutasoda]

Hello! Its the person who requested the avpd hcs a good while ago, i was wonder if you could follow up with Tecchou, Nikolai, Poe, and Mushitarou? (Maybe fyodor if mushi is too hard to write for in this scenario)

Thank you so much!

please talk to me p2

synopsis - you are everything to your lover, but you just couldn't see why

includes - nikolai, poe, mushitaro, tecchou

warnings - gn!reader, fluff, slight angst, feelings of insecurity, social anxiety, wc - 1.2k

a/n: hello again!

nikolai gogol ★↷

you had most likely met nikolai as being a fellow member of the doa. you never intended this to be your affiliation but when approached to join you felt compelled to in fear of letting them down, even if they may be one of the worst groups you could've joined.

you two were stark contrasts. he was very open and outgoing while you were closed off and very socially anxious. however they do say opposites attract so that must be why nikolai tried so hard to befriend you after taking intrest. but you never ket people in that easily. it also didn't help you held no trust toward any colleague.

after you befriended him you would've still been asked out by him as you were too scared to ruin what you had managed to obtain so far by confessing and potentially getting rejected, especially after how much you had to try and trust him. he did find your shyness quite endearing up until it affected you day to day.

definitely make sure to compliment you more often, although somehe gets carried away and bombards you whichh makes it worse. he acknowledges this and tries his hardest not to. but he thought it was ridiculous you couldn't see why he loved you so much!

so through the whole time he would try and fail to subtly build up your self-esteem. his attraction to you was because of who you were and seeing you constantly doubt yourself and be so self isolated made his heart break. how could you think so lowly of yourself? you were amazing!

edgar allan poe ★↷

similarly, you most likely were offered a place in the guild and being too afraid to disappoint or anger them you agreed. thus meeting poe. the guild was quite a larger group than you expected but you felt too bad to turn around and leave now, especially because you didn't want them to criticise you for backing out.

however you unusually felt naturally attracted to him and despite your obvious adversion to becoming close with people. perhaps it was because he was naturally as quiet as you so you never felt as if he would test your social anxiety. but sometimes you felt you only annoyed him by naturally gravitating him.

when he picked up on this he did quickly stomp out that idea and said he did enjoy your silent company. this still brought little calmness in your thoughts but you both knew that couldn't be helped. eventually, maybe painfully slowly, you two wpuld come to terms with feelings no matter how awkward both of you were.

he still would have to make the first move however. mainly because you had feared constantly that one of the first friendships you had would turn to nothing if you tried to advance it. and you were still very unsure whether he didn't want to see you or not.

due to both of you being rather awkward in such situations, you both would try your hardest to make it work and help eachother. but it would be very slow but full of affirmation and nothing but positive compliments and comments.

would take it slow with you, for yours and his. but wouldn't stand you constantly feeling bad about yourself, you were the greatest thing in the world to him and he wanted you to see why.

mushitaro oguri ★↷

meeting mushitaro was most likely through yokomizo. yokomizo always would push you to try and atleast overcome some social anxiety and offered you to meet his friend as a starting point, too afraid to disappoint yokomizo since he tried so hard for you, you met mushitaro very reluctantly.

you always tried to avoid being criticized and or disappoint those around you, so naturally mushitaro's attitude was definitely a put you off at first. you cared very much about first impressions and you didn't like that he always seemed so judgemental, making you assume the worst.

now mushitaro would be lying if he said he loved your anxious, shy state. he did find it slightly annoying but you were friends with yokomizo and he could tell he definitely dragged you into this. garnering a bit of sympathy but then he realised how difficult it could be for you in things he could do with ease.

would probably take a very long time for you to actually start a relationship let alone a friendship with him and he most likely had to be the one to ask you out. you had feared constantly that one of the first friendships you had would turn to nothing if you tried to advance it. especially because it took you so long to understand him.

but through the whole time he would try and subtly build up your self-esteem, afterall he did have very high self esteem. he obviously was attracted to you because of who you truly were and seeing you constantly doubt yourself and be so self isolated made him break.

but he knew if he pressed to much it would make it worse so that's why he would do it subtly although sometimes he couldn't help it. hoping to eventually bring you out of your little habits, even if he was a little forward at times.

tecchou suehiro ★↷

similarly to jouno, you probably met tecchou as a hunting dog. you constantly needed to do your best as to avoid disappointment in others, soon leading you to becoming of such a high position. he would notice your lack of interaction with fellow hunting dogs, only talking when absolutely necessary, but never commenting on it.

however he did feel naturally attracted to you and despite your obvious adversion to becoming close with people, but in honesty he was somewhat the same. sure he may of been a bit more social than you but he never got thag close to people and rather kept most at just being acquaintances.

he would've made the first move due to you would've been too scared to ruin what you had managed to obtain so far by confessing and potentially getting rejected. he did find your shyness quite endearing up but heavily disliked how it stopped you from doing things as he wanted to show you how special you truly were.

he would definitely make sure to compliment you often and if he noticed you feeling particularly bad ine day would make sure you stopped thinking and would try and take your mind of whatever was troubling you. although he kind of becomes hopeless to help you as he isn't that emotionally intelligent.

you both chose to take it slow with because as said before his lack of emotional intelligence sometime would do little to soothe your worries. so you both would need to find time to find your footings. but wouldn't stand you constantly feeling bad about yourself, that would always be a no go.

[ina-nis]

Hmm... I guess the perceptions of feeling myself as unwanted and unlovable - while knowing with certainty they're untrue - are probably other of the many symptoms I'll likely have to deal with for the rest of my life, huh?

I can't quite pinpoint where they come from. I don't really know if it would make any difference? Oh, maybe it's the Complex PTSD, even obsessively ruminating from OCD, or AvPD's rejection sensitivity and inferiority complex. It could be all that, too.

I've been trying to get around my head how is it possible to have a good self-esteem and still feel that way (since, supposedly, your self-esteem will make things like that improve).

My reaction (after the fact) has improved, a lot.

I still get these feelings triggered. They still cause bad meltdowns. It doesn't last for days anymore, thankfully.

I'm able to get back up almost right away because I know they're untrue, because I know my worth, because I know it's not about me or not about anything I'm doing wrongly, etc... it just is.

I'm not unlovable, or unwanted, or uninteresting and I know how special and unique I am - me and each other person, too. Everyone is important simply because they exist.

Dealing with people triggers those feelings all the time.

Even though I've been trying my hardest to just not take it personally, to start seeing it more casually and not looking into things too deeply, I find it extremely difficult... if not, straight up impossible...! And I can, at least, understand why.

Complex trauma rewires the brain.

I'm sure most my disorders originated from it.

Considering it's (still) an ongoing issue, considering I've been mostly unable to tilt the scales for long enough, with good enough experiences... it just keeps on digging deeper and deeper in my skin.

So... ultimately, it doesn't really matter how much I love myself and tell myself how wonderful I am when that doesn't translates into real life experiences outside of myself.

My individual, personal experiences with myself are but that: individual and personal experiences starting on me towards me. There are environmental and social factors and influence, too, obviously, but this is something I mostly go through in the solitude of my own mind.

This is, I think, where AvPD thrives a lot...

Good luck getting out of your head once you get to that point... the alienation and disconnection will only get worse and worse as that goes one - I know it did for me, I eventually stopped caring because it was just too exhausting and dissociation-inducing to care I guess.

Ironically... here I am! My self-esteem has never been this good, I have never liked myself more (and never been happier with my life overall) and yet... I can't shake off these feelings. I can't help but feel unwanted and unlovable with every rejection, perceived or not; I can't help feeling unimportant and disposable even though I know my worth; and so on...

Even when I do understand where these feelings come from - and it's so frustrating that I do! - even when I understand that taking a more casual and not-letting-it-get-to-me approach would be the way to go, even when I understand this is natural and part of social relationships, even when I understand most connection are not what I'm looking for (so I need to keep on looking anyway!)... even when I know all these things, I can't really help my feelings.

I can't wish them away, I can't pretend it doesn't hurt and even if I try to reframe it or look on the bright side, see it as a lesson, etc, it doesn't really address the pain, it doesn't really make the hurt go away - oh goodness, do I even want to "reframe" these things? No! It sucks, it hurts, it feels awful.

The pain is made so much worse because I know how lovable I am.

The pain is made so much worse exactly because I know my worth.

But yes, most people don't really care? And that's fine. Most people don't really see all that in you either, which is also fine. I can understand that too.

Where are the people who will love me in the way I need to be loved?

Where are the ones who will actually want me? Who will choose me?

Where's that someone who will think I'm invaluable, so important they won't want to lose?

I already know I am that person for myself, that doesn't change my predicament because it doesn't address this emotional loneliness that withers me.

[anthroparis]

if I was good at communicating I would be able to get people to stop talking to me because I don't like them but, alas, avpd. everything is a constant charade of fulfilling expectations and even the tiniest rejection feels like someone's stabbed me in the gut and is twisting the blade around (though I am a psychological masochist and I've grown quite fond of the feeling of being hated).

it's much easier to make myself unlikable and strange and repulsive right off the bat but that only works to an extent. as much as I want to believe that putting up walls and keeping people away from me through whatever means necessary (look at my url) is effective, there will always be that certain genre of person who craves rejection and disappointment like I do and will chase me no matter what.

it literally doesn't matter what I do. yell? I'm never taken seriously. beg? explain that I don't like people and I don't like attention? they take that as an invitation to try their hand at "fixing" me. try to scare them off? disgust them? they'll call me crazy and then stay anyway.

and then they wonder why I ignore them for weeks and weeks and why I block them over and over and why all of our conversations are dry. how more explicit can I get? I DREAD talking to you. leave me ALONE.

if I was some beautiful brilliant wifey material type person I could at least understand WHY people think I'm playing hard-to-get with them. but I'm really not that smart or attractive or really even that interesting. I'm unemployed with no career path, pretty openly uninterested in sex, and am very honest about the eighty million debilitating disorders I have. I have NOTHING to offer.

is it just the mystery? am I a project for these guys? build-your-own-partner? what IS IT?

how much more repulsive do I have to get before I'm shunned again? before I can take comfort in being rejected and left alone?

I told one guy who I had a 2 day situationship with that I got engaged (lie) and he STILL FUCKING HITS ME UP EVERY FEW MONTHS. I cut contact, obviously, a long time ago but it's so frustrating.

not one of these people could name anything about me. what's my cats name? what's my favorite movie? when's my BIRTHDAY? nothing. I'm nothing but a doll.

and yeah yeah I get it's sexual harassment atp, I'm honestly not sure if it was ever NOT sexual harassment considering how pretty much everything has been non-consensual on my part and I've said no a million times. I try not to think about it so much for past trauma reasons.

at the end of the day people only see me as some irredeemable evil sinner OR nothing but a sex object to win. no in between. isn't that awesome.

actually writing out that paragraph making me realize I have been sexually assaulted and harassed my whole life is kind of insane . like hi ? lol

[astrangerthatlovesyou]

This is a long post (though I would really appreciate opinions)

Am I aroflux or am I aromantic with a fluctuating comfort level with different types of affection?? Is it something else??

If you want to read the rest of this, I would really appreciate your opinion or ideas on my situation!

So I identified as aroace for years, I was very comfortable with that label for a very long time. I dropped the label about a year after I realized I was trans. I dropped it because I was manipulated into a romantic relationship by a QPP though. I thought, however, that having realized I was not a woman, I was now comfortable with my part in a relationship; I don’t completely disbelieve this now.

•••

Now, for an intermission so I can give a little bit of context. I have a subtype of dissociative identity disorder, my system formed in a bit of an odd way, and it’s resulted in extremely complex, complete, and separate alters. It also necessitated and lended itself well to extremely strong communication after discovery. The partners that I’m going to talk about next are in my system. However, outside of sharing a body and some memories, we function as completely separate people and interact as such in headspace and when sharing the front.

I should also note that I have autism, PTSD, and AvPD and my comfort level with all types of affection and touch is fluctuating.

I have never felt any possible romantic attraction outside of these relationships.

I am definitely recipro for whatever type of attraction I feel.

Finally, it may also be worth mentioning that I am almost certain that I am asexual and have a fluctuating comfort with sexual activity/imagery.

•••

So throughout the course of the relationship that began as a QPR (outside of my system), we decided to try closed group polyamory. I fell in love with some of my alters (and no matter the type of attraction I feel, I am in love with them.)

After breaking off the very toxic 14 month relationship we were in outside of the system, we slowly settled in to a very healthy and happy relationship. (Still doing amazing 13 months later!!)

We started to realize that I didn’t really initiate traditionally romantic or sexual activity very often. Some days I would really enjoy it, others, it repulsed me. It’s not an issue in our relationship, but very often I will spend most of my time with my three partners and go days without even kissing them.

That’s not to say that I’m not still intimate with my partners in other ways when I don’t want or care about romantic intimacy, we cuddle a hilarious amount and talk about everything.

I started calling myself aroace again and even coined a term for how I feel about them. But sometimes I wonder if I’m actually feeling romantic attraction because I’m usually in favor of romantic acts and I truly feel that I’m in love.

I had a QPR before the one that turned into a romantic relationship, and it doesn’t feel anything like that. (To be fair, though, that relationship wasn’t the healthiest either)

Sometimes I wonder if I’m aroflux because my comfort changes so much, but the way I feel about my partners never changes, I’m not sure my attraction does either.

I’m extremely happy with my relationship, wether it’s romantic or something else entirely, but if anyone has any thoughts on a label that may fit, I would really appreciate it!

[takumitsukishima]

End of year, end of longing, end of my love

Things I need to get off my chest so I can close this heartbroken chapter of life for all eternity

If you are the person of this post, which I know you like to snoop around ex-friend’s social media, um fuck you? This post isn’t for you, you blocked me so why don’t you fuck off from my blog.

Without any further ado, let’s get this over with

I would like to preface that all of this is from my perspective, so its heavily biased without any question. Since the other party can’t reply to this, I ask anyone reading this to not judge the other person. I don’t know what was going through their life, and frankly they never told me. It was never my business I suppose. The reason I’m doing this is to confront my own feelings. I too never told my side of things, maybe because I was never heard by others or I’m too afraid to tell it. But either way, it’s mostly from my AVPD that I never address anything in my life. So with the help of my health provider, the best way to process these emotions is to face them, head on.

I think this friendship was over when the first time they decided to lie to me. I kept it going because I was desperate, I was alone. I was always alone, and to me if this person also left, meant that I probably repel people more than I make friends. I just ended a friendship in few months prior. I was still feeling raw. So I latched onto my current friends with a vice grip. I was afraid, I was desperate. So when I come back home from holidays I try to spend as much time I can with the said friends. I won’t see them for a year. And I was afraid, very afraid. So, this let my friend to feel smothered. I wish they would have said something, anything in fact. But they decided to lie, use their mother’s health as lie to make me feel selfish. “Why do you want to spend so much time with me, you know I have a hard life. You are being very selfish.” And I crumbled and relented to her wishes. I did as she told kept my distance. And for the remainder of holidays I didn’t ask any of my friends for spending time with me. I know they were the only one that complained. But I took it to an extreme.

Months pass by, and I learn from another mutual friend that this person is dating someone. Actually dating someone even before I came back for holidays. Suddenly it clicked, maybe she lied about her mother being sick and went to meet their partner instead. I wasn’t angry that they were dating someone. I was just lost; why didn’t they just tell me. They didn’t have to introduce me to their partner. Just tell me what was happening.  I confronted them, and they at first got mad that how did I find out. I should be ashamed I’m snooping around their life. Then finally they did admit, “Yes I did lie. I lied because of you. It’s because you are like this. I have to lie.” This person always dated people but never told me their names or when they did date. So I felt hurt again for the level of distrust. I communicated that, and they replied the same. “It’s because you are like this, I have to hide this stuff from you.”

When this happened, I blamed myself too. I thought wow, I am such a shit person. No wonder no one loves me. Now in retrospect I see this person never took any accountability for their wrongs. I was to blame if they lied, never matter it was them who decided to lie. And when they said, because you are like this, I crumbled. I wondered what does that even mean? Why are they saying this? Why can’t they just talk. They never talk in person, every confrontation, every lie they admitted to was on text conversation. Which made assessing their sincerity tough for me. I just this year discovered that I am neurodivergent. I can’t assess people via text, that why I always add emojis to my texts. But this person didn’t I could never tell what they were feeling. It was truly recipe for disaster, and my idiot ass decided to hold one because of stupid BPD.

I had just recently started therapy, so I kind of did grow a spine. I fought back. I tried to reason with this person, make them understand how their actions hurt me. And then the worst thing happened. Their father passed away. Right in November, the 4th death in my life in this time of the year. They didn’t tell me. I found out through someone else. I spiraled. What now in hindsight I know as a psychotic break, I, to put it mildly, lost my shit. “This was all my fault. I did this. I did this to him.” I don’t remember much from this point on. All I remember is crying and begging in emails to this person to keep our friendship. To please just talk to me. I cried, I apologized, I was desolated. I indulged in different form of self-hurt (I will not mention any as I know they lead to vulnerable readers to do the same.), anything to cope. After a lot of back and forth and no apology in return, we did go back to being friends.

Life was seemingly normal, until it wasn’t. I went through something very traumatic. My whole life halted, shifted, crashed and burned down to a standstill. I again numbed out, not wanting to feel any emotion. At this point of time apart from paramedics, only 2 people asked me how was I doing. But I couldn’t speak, I chose to bury, I chose to be quite. And that was the worst decision of my life. I cried every single night after that for over a year. Whatever happened in this period of 18 months, heighted to limitless perception. I felt everything and beyond. Every fight, every slight, every fright, hit me with such might. And stopping medications improperly in midst of this chemical fire was like adding all fossil fuels to it. Of course now back home, the fights were more personal. They never happened in person, because still this person only ever spoke their true feelings in text. So one day it became too personal. As in they decided to come to my home, to talk or lecture me about being like this. I was furious, why a person who never wants to speak to me in person about what they really feel, is now suddenly going to start in person sessions of friendships 101. I didn’t sign up for this class. And when they came home, I cut back equally harsh. “Since you never talk to me in person you really think I’ll allow you to talk now. Hell no, I’m not talking to you irl. If you want fight or lecture me, do it over text. Sit on my bed and text me, but I will not talk to you about this even if I died.” Defeated that I was not letting this person have their way, they decide to silently protest. Which meant them taking my comforter, and covering themselves on my bed, silently just sitting there. I know they cried in there for a brief moment. I did care, I brought water. But at the same time I didn’t care, I was consumed by anger and grief. And I did whatever was keeping me in 1 piece. If they did speak that day, I know I would have lost it. I would have not listened, but there was a difference, I didn’t want to even give them the opportunity to speak. This person, whom I kept giving second chances, who continued to lie, continued to hide their partner, continued to berate me, was allowed to lecture me about how one should behave in a friendship. That was never happening. They always protested that no, I’m not that person, I’ve grown I’ve learned from my mistakes. But then why repeat it? I still even in this anger kept the friendship. Because if this relationship failed, means no one loved me in my life. I was always alone, and I can’t let that be true.

Things mellowed out after I was back on medication. I wasn’t getting as angry; I wasn’t getting as frustrated. I just had to adjust. If they don’t want to talk, then I’ll initiate the conversations. I know I told them I feel frustrated that they never initiate conversations, but I guess they don’t have the capacity to. As an only child, the priorities of people in their life surrounded around them alone. Their current partner also calls them 2-3 times a day. They never initiate any calls to them. This person likes being indulged, but will indulge themselves. I understand, I’ll adapt. After all I was the problem wasn’t I? Mind you I wasn’t the angel here. There were times I did outright ignored them, or dismissed their concerns. I distinctly remember them opening about being demisexual. I on the other hand felt snubbed. I just came out as asexual to my family 6 months ago, this person has been sexually active since forever. How in the hell are they demisexual? In reality I was just gatekeeping the asexuality, because I was feeling like someone else was taking away the queer role in our friend group. I should not have dismissed their queer recognition, people in ace spectrum already face a lot of patronization. Why was I continuing the cycle by being an asshole to them, instead of making them feel safe? I even said something along the lines of “you are just having good sex now, that’s why you feel even more attracted to your partner, that doesn’t make you demisexual.” With the combination of our repeated fights and my own internal struggles, I felt justified in dismissing their queer identity. This is the only thing I wished I did different.

But overall our friendship improved. We even went on trips together. We were now getting along; I even decide to join social media. I joined tumblr because of them, I now even downloaded Instagram after years of pestering from them. Then something changed. We both were primarily working from home at this point. They had reserved their weekends for their partner. So it meant they would meet us only on weekdays. This was not feasible for a third friend as they are working a normal corporate job. They would reach home at 10 or even at midnight. Of course they won’t have time to hang out with us or just kill time. So they started to have resentment towards this third friend, but never said it out loud. I too had some other issues with this third friend, and one day confronted them on group chat. We all aired out our grievances. It was done and dusted. But since they still couldn’t make time for us in the weekdays, they still felt snubbed. I advised them to tell the third again, but they refused to and just kept getting upset. And then the change happened. I too started working a corporate job. And I couldn’t make time on weekdays too. I still listened to them and hang out at the local mart as usual. But I wouldn’t walk home with them, as I was too tired. They again, never said anything in person. I still tried to keep the friendship still as engaging. “You know they never talk first, so you will have to initiate.” I kept the group chat alive. Until one day they exploded. They exploded how I love to live lie, when I can’t see the friendship is already dead. How I don’t give them enough time, how I’m always busy with work. How I’m always like this. I was blindsided. I was upset, yet again this person never talked about any of this and is suddenly over text yet again, airing out their grievances. I felt betrayed, I decided I need time. I told them I won’t talk to anyone for a week. Despite asking for time, they still messaged me in 4 days. The message was very condescending to me. So I thought I must be still angry, I read it to other people and they too felt uncomfortable. When message start with “I know you have a problem, so let’s go to your health provider together and sort that problem.”, all warning signs ring red. Are they still going to blame their lying by omission on me? Will I always be the problem? Is this person never going to take any accountability? When we met in person to discuss, they revealed that they actually met with my health provider in those 4 day’s time, without telling me. They said “your health provider also agrees that you are emotionally unstable and you can’t handle mature talking well.” I felt violated, my trust and my vulnerability violated as if it was nothing. I threatened to end the friendship, I didn’t want to talk to them for 6 months. They said okay sounds good to me let’s not meet at all then. I panicked, why are they so causal about possibly not wanting to see me? Are they not scared? Am I the only one petrified out of my wits? I pressed on “well that doesn’t change the fact you haven’t changed. You still fight over texts.” Their reply was “Yes I did start over text again. It wasn’t my intention to. I was going to tell you in person. But you know because you are like this, I had to spell it out to you then and there.” And I think this is where I finally gave up. This whole time, this person judged me. The whole you are like this, was not because I was in wrong. Regardless of my guilt this person saw me as a low life. The fact that I shared all of mental health struggles, they referred to all of it as this, and were using it a defense and reason to judge me. I could hold no longer. I smiled, I told them I’ll see them again later. But I went home and cried, cried as if I lost everything. It was the truth; I was always alone. I was unloved, and I always went for people that will never love me back.

I knew this person won’t end it. They have to be the good one in this relationship. So even if they hate me, they will still keep this friendship. What were their reason; honestly I don’t know. I thought a thousand times, why a person who doesn’t like me will want to be with me? They clearly don’t care if they won’t see me for 6 months, why bother with someone like me; someone like this. But I still held out hope. Maybe I will be proven wrong, oh please God let me be wrong. I typed a final message with 5 requests. That’s it, if they can answer those 5 with reassurance, I think we will make it. But instead all I got was hostility, and patronization. Every accusation I threw was thrown back at me with condescending remarks. I still kept my hopes up. We reached the 3rd request.

Are you okay with hurting me? Depends on your definition of hurt. Is it hurt that you are perceiving or is it just emotion you are labelling as hurt. We nee- It’s a yes or no question Yeah but the answer is not in binary. I am thinking on plane beyond that. You can ask me if you don’t get it; I understand you won’t. So if I did the same would it be okay? See I would evaluate why you did it; then think how I feel about it. And then process it as I go. So you would be hurt, was it okay for me to do that to you? Well as I said, I would evaluate your actions and then maybe think what happens next You are evading my questions ***, are you okay with the fact that you have hurt me and you think it is okay to do so? Well, you are labelling that emotion as hurt. We can objectively say you are hurt. I understand you feel hurt, but are you really hurt. I am living in this world as a being, for myself. In that process what you feel, I can’t do anything. So I – It’s a yes or no question, don’t evade me with philosophical bullshit To you this is philosophical bullshit, but it is my outlook right now. My therapist says this is a healthy outlook too mind you. I think that ….

And they kept on going. It was not even a no. I would have been less hurt if they outright said they didn’t care. But the fact that they denied even a semblance of responsibility took the wind out of my lungs. Again I do not want to judge this person, it’s a pure speculation on my part. But maybe it’s their defense mechanism, when they do something wrong or will be perceived as wrong by others they panic. They evade, they won’t take responsibility, won’t apologize, or won’t even acknowledge the deed. The lack of empathy for a person you shared more than half of your life felt staggering. I didn’t want to continue. And we were just on the 3rd request. I decided to end it, since they would never or else they would be the villain. And in 2 messages they said goodbye too. We ended it. This person, a person who I bared my soul to; I shared everything with; I had spent countless nights with; didn’t even have the courtesy to call. 2 messages were enough for them. I wish the story ended here. I truly wish. But they decided to drag my soul in ways other than messages.

A few weeks after while I’m still collecting pieces, I try to blend in with my other friends as if everything is normal. I told no one except 1 person what had happened. Then a friend casually browsing through my said, “hey why can’t I see their profile from your phone?” I thought, oh no they are ghosting everyone because of me. But then someone else replied, “hey her account is still here what are you talking about?” And then I grabbed my phone and checked. I realized, this person blocked me from everywhere. They blocked me. Again I was the problem. I had to be punished. I was the sinner. So they blocked me, as if I was running around berating them. I felt ashamed of myself felt right in that moment. But then I sat on it. Wait, why was I being punished? I didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t lie I didn’t berate. Yet why am I being treated as I did the wrong things. I felt judged, I felt scrutinized as if I was a criminal. To make matters worse, I couldn’t go to any place where I made memories with this person. I went to parks went to stores and cafes. All reminded me of them. I started to avoid going outside even. But I still had to pretend everything was okay. Friends at gatherings would say things like “hey where is ***?”, “tell *** hi, we miss her why didn’t she come?”. What do I say to these people? Where can I go; where I won’t be condemned for being their friend.

And so this is my final introspection. I know I’ll be reminded of this person one way or another, but I cannot keep carrying a guilt that I am not even guilty of. This person lied to me, hid things from me. Berated me and violated my trust and medical information. Decided to turn on me as if I did all I stated before. Why should I be the one to suffer? Clearly they are leading a happy life without me. Don’t I deserve some happiness too? In this moment of introspection, I realize the so many slights done by them I forgave in the name of friendship. When my parent teased them I always scolded them, but when her father insulted me, they remained silent. I was never to disturb them during exams, but I was expected to adjust and still hang out with them during my exams. Places to hangout were always their preferences not mine. I adjusted by always eating vegetarian food with them, because they judged my non vegetarian food. I always knew what to gift this person, yet they struggled with gifting me on my birthdays. Every time we fought, I always tried to reconcile and get us back together, they always broke if off and didn't want to come back. It was becoming more clear, they were a hostage of my terror of being left alone. I would become a toned down version of me so as to not be judged by this person, yet they judged me regardless.

So I end this chapter in life with breaking the bond. I threw out everything attached to them, every gift I received from them, every memory we created together. Every message I sent, every email I sent and every letter I have left. Broke every single mug I have in common with them. Everything straight out of my life where it belongs. Even if this person where to say something to me now, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if its and apology or a lecture. I have no love, no empathy, no kindness left for this person. Nothing will be enough, nothing can fill the void, it's heart lost, thrown in the sea of void. I don’t care, I am possibly at the end stages of my life, battling both mental and physically draining illness. Everyday needs to count. And I cannot waste it on a person who doesn’t spare me more than 2 messages. My languishing ends now. If I have to be alone for the rest of my life, I will. But I will be happy, at peace and not keeping up any façades. None of my friendships are taxing anymore, and I am liberated now.

[ray-talks]

9/12/23

i fasted all day.

i didn't walk very much, because it was rainy and i was busy with classes. other than that, i felt a little tempted to eat, but i resisted, thankfully. sometimes i wonder whether this is worth it, but that doesn't really matter, i have to do this anyway.

i thought about a few things during the times i was walking. i have a sneaking paranoia lately, and sometimes i do this, where i think that i may have a certain condition, then i fixate on it and results in some anxiety. for a while, i've wondered whether i have some sort of personality disorder. the most likely contenders being bpd or avpd. i've never really raised flags about it my therapist, because i am worried that she'll think that i am tacking on a diagnosis unnecessarily.

personality disorders are heavily stigmatized too, so it may be unhelpful to be diagnosed at all. i think, whether this is internalized ableism or not, that i am worried about the idea of having a personality disorder, because stigma surrounding it suggests that you are somehow "incurable". having the trifecta of autism, trauma, and social anxiety being the inhibitors to my social life feel somehow more manageable, then being diagnosed with avpd or bpd.

as of late, i have been worried about having avpd, or in other words, avoidant personality disorder. this is because i have felt stilted in my social sphere, that i have not been able to advance for many years. it feels beyond introversion and shyness that inhibits me from connecting with others. to me, it seems that many people with social anxiety are able to still make connections, while i am unable to. i have very few close people in my life -- my therapist, my family, and my one friend. that is all.

additionally, i am plagued with this feeling of such starch emptiness and self-hatred, that it prohibits me from being able to connect with anybody. i feel like i could have the chance to connect with others, but my brain tells me it is impossible, and that i cannot afford to get close to anyone, lest i disappoint and hurt them. i am hyper-sensitive to any change in demeanor and believe myself as wholly inferior to those around me.

i am also confused because what is the difference between avpd and someone with a trauma history and severe social anxiety? how can i tell if it is just my ptsd, social anxiety, and asd or a personality disorder? or would all of that qualify for one? i want to ask my therapist these questions, but i am afraid of being judged. i personally feel that i fit the criteria nearly verbatim, but i don't know.

if anyone has any experience with this, i would like to know your thoughts.

[polyamorouspunk]

Hey, just wanted to ask if you had any advice for someone who has avoidant personality disorder and has recently started to explore the idea of being part of a polycule? Since polyamory is (what I think at least) the biggest obstacle for someone with AVPD I was wondering if you could talk about people's experiences to help combat my fears. I hope you're doing great regardless or very soon

Thank you so much!

Before I start I just want to be clear I’m giving myself a refresher on avpd because it’s been a hot sec for me, and I don’t know your exact symptoms but I think this is good advice overall.

Communication is important! I know it’s hard, but try your best to tell your partner(s) what you want/need. I know personally I need to work on this as well.

Communication is also important in your partners reassuring you that you matter, are loved, etc. don’t be afraid to tell them that you need reassurance and that it would be great if they kept up positivity like that with you.

Don’t worry about having to “lay yourself bare” at first- relationships take time and you learn new things about people over time as they change and grow themselves. You don’t owe anyone any information you don’t want to give them unless it directly impacts them.

Try your best to say yes to things if they invite you to do something! I know it’s scary and you might not like it but you never know!

[enchanted-system]

New intro!

Basically all of this is in our about, but since we’ll update that as we figure more things out, here’s a condensed version for posterity:

Host subsystem, very blurry, share memories:

Sapphire (ey/em): host, bigenderfluid, gryffinclaw, anxiety, loves system and organization, all the life goals.

barker (he/him): former cohost, closest to Sapphire and often exerts passive influence or cofronts. Pure gryffindor. Very excited and chaotic, some kind of big tricolor doggo. Distractor from distressing things.

Kai/kai (they/them, sometimes ey/em as Kai, sometimes he/him as kai): barker and Sapphire - capitalization indicates whose influence is stronger. Blurry host.

Protector (he/him): protector, former cohost, sometimes exerts passive influence or cofronts with Sapphire/Kai. Slytherdor. Strong PTSD, probably AVPD.

Jet (ne/nem or they/them): blur of Protector and Sapphire. Protector role. Identifies strongly with Bahamut - justice, dragons, platinum.

Jack (he/him): combination of Protector and barker. Rare because Sapphire is frontstuck. Somewhat more relaxed/chaotic version of Protector.

dragon (they/them): collective name, also name of any combination of Sapphire, barker, and Protector. When dragon is in full force (all three fully present and cofronting), most powerful of the system, usually comes out when someone else is threatened in a less serious way.

Cat (she/her): sexual alter, naiad. Never hosted, somewhat younger than dragon because of years inactive since realizing plurality. Hypersexual ace lesbian, kinky, very sweet. Did not have anxiety, dove into the deep end of socializing, now has anxiety. Shares memories with dragon, but much more separate.

Fen (fae/faer or she/her): combination of Cat and Sapphire. Femme, often Sapphire's and Cat's sexualities blending. Fey.

Ella (she/her): indeterminate origins, possible tulpa. Unknown gender. Mostly backtalks Kai as kai talks through their life, really likes star trek. Does not front, has been mostly absent for years.

Possible little?: ~6 years old

There’s also some question of whether Sapphire is a median subsystem. We keep calling things median subsystems for them to turn out to be fairly separate people who share memories, but Maybe This is Really It. There’s a philosophical question of at what point do we consider people to be the same person: are you the same person you were five minutes ago? Five years ago? At work vs at home? In different kinshifts? The last one is what’s relevant to Sapphire. The most distinct by far is eir fey self, and then there’s eir male self, eir Lienid self, and eir femme self. I think that’s all of them that we’ve thought of? We haven’t thought about it a lot.

We don’t have much (or really any) control over fronting, which is an issue we’d like to address but tbh aren’t prioritizing. We do know of certain situations/states of mind that make others more likely to front, though if we attempt a switch using those triggers, it doesn’t work super well. It’s also very hard to differentiate between Sapphire fronting alone, Kai fronting, passive influence from barker and/or Protector, and Protector cofronting, especially since that changes from moment to moment, and there are significant overlaps in personality, preferences, and tone for one thing at a time. We can tell the difference between us for longer lengths of time, and it’s often easier to recognize who was fronting when reading past messages. For the people who know us as plural, we’ll sign our names when people are being particularly distinct, especially when the distinction matters, but for the most part we just go by dragon. Cat rarely fronts, and pretty much only with Sapphire or alone.

We aren’t currently aware of any headspace, though Sapphire has at this point visited somewhere multiple times that may be a dormant headspace or similar. Once was visiting a cave in a catatonic episode, once was accidentally visiting a hiking trail by a waterfall that led up to a beautiful yellow stone and glass building, and once was deliberately visiting the latter place, but incompletely.

Sapphire is currently wrestling with the idea of intimate relationships, and the possibility of sexual trauma. Ey feels drawn towards processing those issues and discovering what happened in our childhood, but is also afraid of potential ensuing mental health crises. Currently, we’re focusing on the possibility that ey was traumatized by rape culture and what incidents we do know of, in combination with eir existing social anxiety and trauma. We don’t think we necessarily repressed any memories from childhood, but we do deliberately avoid thinking about that time period, and trying to line up who was hosting when and/or bringing out the little we believe exists would inherently involve facing the traumatic events that happened in those periods. We still identify as quoigenic, with Sapphire and barker identifying as endogenic twins, though given that Cat identifies more with the body as well as our deadname, we’re wondering if she came before Sapphire and barker.

- Kai

[teddy-feathers]

If you smack your child. Physically intimidate. Grab them too rough or force them to look at something physically...

You can't complain that they're not listening to you/ don't listen to you when you talk.

I just realized that despite appreciating every time my dad took the time to go over something and tell me what the fuck Id done wrong and why it was important - even if those were two to four hour lectures following loud rage tantrums on his part - the reason I did it again later, don't remeber what the hell we talked about, was basically zoning while trying to focus, have no clue days later about the whole thing is because

I'm waiting for the violence to start again.

I couldn't see/ find something obvious because I needed to keep my eyes and attention on him

I couldn't tell you what he was saying because even though he's speaking calmly now that doesnt take away from what happened earlier

I'm still upset about it even if I feel calm now or can laugh at jokes

Like it's not that talking didn't work with me - hell it worked really well just sometimes protecting myself meant choosing between "fuck ups" sometimes hoping you didn't get caught was the best you could do to deal with shit on your own.

Hell. Help has always seemed worse than doing it on my own BECAUSE help was so often treated like a punishment - sure my parents usually found out last minute but thats because I didnt want but was not allowed to refuse help ever.

I remeber distinctly in highschool my dad was reaching for something on a shelf while I was doing dishes - I saw him lift his hand out of the corner of my eye and flinched. He was very much I haven't smacked you upside the head in years - which looking back I dont know if thats true -

But it doesnt matter

You've trainned your kids into a threat response mindset.

It doesn't matter that it wasnt "hard" that I'm not hurt. Doesnt matter if grabbing my neck or shoulder and forcibly turning me to face whatever it was that I missed didn't hurt me. I was scared. I was upset. I wanted desperately to pacify you.

Kinda hard to focus on calm reasonable lectures after that so its not a big wonder that he had to repeat himself a lot when I was growing up

... My dad used to go on about how Id cry at the drop of a hat and make him the bad guy and...

I dont remember the exact science behind it but did you know your kids as infants all the way growing up largly adapt to you. They TRY and make it easier for you to take care of them. This breaks down into several... Parent handling traits. I think the acronym is SMART or something i only heard a little bit about it.

So like. I hated crying when upset but I did it alot. But I also could and can go from crying to laughing and totally "okay" five seconds later becauses not being okay was punished.

Not. Actually punished. Not grounded or yelled at. Just. Attitude, interpersonal conflict between parents, notice which made anxious....

Hell thinking about it - having Avpd is directly a response from my family. Both good and bad attention did not turn out ok it felt like.

Mom and dads arguments happened because of how dad acted but. Nobody likes screaming matches between parents. Violence can be words. And I was always good and understanding what they were fighting about and how itd circle back to me if it didnt start there.

I didn't get it exactly right. I knew mom would defend me to dad when I got in trouble only eventually that felt bad because I had done something wrong but that... Was never the issue. It was how my dad handled the situation.

And every argument came back to I was making the same mistakes or fuck ups telling the same lies whatever so obviously the only thing I "understood" was yelling and being spanked and smacks upside the head.

I didnt understand that. I just. Stopped doing anything besides reading. I was just cowed. I was afraid. And when you did speak instead of yelling or physical intimidation I was still afraid.

I wanted to listen but youd made it so I couldnt. I was a dumb kid and I learned a lot of my bad habits as a defense against you. Maybe I was a manipulative lying lazy child but I didn't make you the bad guy.

You saw your kid as a villain and then proceeded to treat them like one, make them into one, instead of dealing with your child as a child.

And you treated your wife like a child because she didnt agree with you, because if youte not going to be happy no matter what happens why not treat herself. If youre going to take away her right to make desicions by giving her like a child right and wrong answers she's not going to want to be invovled or participate or even bother trying to help you do responsible things and shes going to continue to do things to spite you.

You think youre being forced to be a bully. You think things are black and white and yours is the logical way and youre good at trapping people into either agreeing with you or being "wrong"

My Aunt and Dad are a lot a like and god almighty the Hyde family is fucked up.

They want to treat you like people but they dont know how and so they do this shit and still think theyre in the right. And we're judgmental as fuck and make our decision and expect the world to get in line.

Ffs I'm only now learning to shedd myself and my past I dont know how the fuck to help mom but looking back I can see she needs it now.

[tru2deheart-blog]

To busy, to sick, to tired

Pick one and that will be the excuse I am given why he can't talk to me. I often wonder why I wanted this man. Though it was not like this in the beginning. He wanted to spend a lot of time with me. Looking back I can see how I was groomed for his later BS. What he didn't count on is my will to be me. Though he did break a lot of who I was into something that I am now. At the core I am someone who will NOT be abused, mistreated or taken advantage of. He will often come ask for something. To his shock the answer is more and more no. We don't even have sex? Why, why should I he wants nothing to do with me UNLESS I give him sex. Once I do I am ignored until HE has needs it does not matter my needs. For a while he had to do dishes OMG you should have listened to him bitch calling himself my "niggar" his word not mine. His "cleaning Bitch" he used once, which is a prison term. He would bitch about people not rinsing dishes ... I found MANY today left by him. How people don't whipe things down. hmmm found he did that too. If I say anything he gets PISSED and it starts a war... so I say nothing. I can't leave not enough money to go. I spend a lot of time in my room. He sleeps else where. When he is one room I vacate and if we are having family dinners I tolerate him to a point until he gets insulting. Then I leave. I will push back if he pisses me off and to his surprise I no longer back down. Sometimes he will throw a hissy and say he is leaving making us stranded I am making provisions for that the only thing I can't make provisions for is that I can't fix this house there is WAY to many things wrong and I have NO clue what I am doing. Though we are supposed to be rent to owning I have yet to see papers. So yeah there is that. ugg I was bad before so I can't fully blame him for how I am but he took what was broken and made it far worst. I just had social anxiety before but now I have avpd. I have bpd and ptsd. I went from slightly trusting to not at all. After all he has put me through I don't even trust me. I can't pick good people clearly. So it is better that I stay alone.

[ina-nis]

I don't really know how to talk about this without sounding insensitive but I think it would be great for me to get this off my chest anyway. I'm trying to organize my thoughts the best I can... Those are conflicting needs and I'm in no place to attack or judge, considering we're all in the same boat.

The spaces and communities I usually gravitate around are full of mentally ill and neurodivergent people, obviously, as I am one myself.

I have a personality disorder (and C-PTSD, and few other things, but these 2 are probably the core of my "personality" and interconnectedness) and I'm not autistic or ADHDer.

Many autistic and allistic people alike, assume I'm on the spectrum because of my behaviours - I do act very autistic for someone who isn't. The things I have issues the most, though, don't look typically autistic, such as how much in tune I am with my emotions and myself, how it troubles me to feel so much and some times feeling nothing either, and, the main one, the fact that I have no trouble reading people, body language and just social cues in general. I like routine, I prefer to avoid eye contact, I usually don't speak much... those are all from AvPD and CPTSD, not ASD.

The thing that really solidified the fact that I'm allistic is that I don't really feel that relatedness to autistic people in regards to interpersonal relationships - I feel like we stand in complete opposites actually! - So, a good example: growing frustration over my emotional needs not being met. I have autistic friends and these friendships are, you guessed, superficial because I noticed they tend to prioritize interests and other things over relationships (I can relate to that very much), because the way they relate and connect to other people is different.

It's a similar issue with ADHD, they usually don't have friendship degradation, they deal with forgetfulness and an overall difficulty in maintaining relationships - remember a lot of my issues with doing things one-sidedly? Feeling like I'm carrying connections on my back all on my own? Suffering because I miss them but wonder if they miss me? Also the unpredictability and changing interests and things too fast for me to keep up.

Of course, the same could be said about myself. I don't really need to list all the "bad" and "unpleasant" things about being an avoidant or someone traumatized, because it is already all over this blog, and you can find it elsewhere, too.

In short, I definitely don't fit in neurotypical spaces and amidst neurotypical people; and I also feel out of place in neurodivergent spaces, for different reasons. Perhaps they all have to do - in a way or another - with being around other people who also have difficulties in establishing and maintaining relationships.

In connections and relationships with other neurodivergent people, I always felt like the reciprocity was missing and didn't really matter how much I tried to be understanding and accommodating: my emotional needs remained unmet. There was never really a compromise to be reached because that would mean them becoming someone they are not - I would hate for someone to try to change me to fit in their life, why would I do that to others?

"Just get your emotional needs met elsewhere!"

The thing is that for me to do that I'd need a close relationship with someone I trust. None of my many friends and peers are going to do that, and it's not because I didn't try to deepen these relationships...

Another thing is that, because of CPTSD, I do not do well with temporary or conditional things so... having my emotional needs met for some time and then needing to build it up again with someone else or somewhere else is just too painful - so much that, again, I'll take the pain of loneliness over finding relief and then losing it.

And having my emotional needs met half-way just serves to grow resentment.

If this was something I could do on my own, I would not be wasting so much time and energy going over these things so much... If hobbies and distractions could make me emotionally fulfilled, I wouldn't be feeling so lonely either.

[eeriecrests]

I was wondering about how open the characters are about their sexualities and gender identities and such. I mean, p much everyone isn't a straight cis person, but is everyone aware of that? In this universe, is that chill, or is the friendgroup just a bubble of being awesome even tho the school doesn't know, or what? Also- have you ever made a post with all the character's identities/disabilities before??? Ok, sorry to bother you, and I LOVE this comic!!! The art and story is gorg and engaging ❤

 hello ❤

ngl,  I didn’t initially want to discuss their MIs, sexualities and gender, because I didn’t want people thinking it’s being romanticized, or that the characters would be reduced to naught but.. their gender/mental illness. But. Still. Representation is important and I am. So tired of mentally ill characters being demonized dude.  

I kinda thought their school would be, all liberal? It’s a big fancy schmancy school where nobody.. Really cares what you do with your life, so long as you don’t bother ‘em. But that’s just most of the students. (not all.) 

So. let’s start with Dallas. He’s trans, but he’s passing. He doesn’t struggle with being misgendered a lot, since he A. Doesn’t really talk much in the first place, and he talks in a really, tired, Jane-Lane-season-1 mumble.But y’know, the more observant people Talk, since middleschool, he’s changed A Lot. Tl;dr, Dallas is not out to anyone he’s not close to, just the rest of the baseball team, Mr. Beaumont (Tyler’s dad, and their geometry teacher), Coach Williams, and, maybe, Wendy. 

Dallas is bisexual, he has psychotic depression and dyscalculia. Established that his therapist is a massive douchewad, there’s probably something else that’s gone undiagnosed. (something along the lines of dependent personality disorder, and etc)

Malek, there’s always names for People Like Malek. He’s unabashedly pansexual. He’d really date anyone who can make him smile. He’s out to everyone, (that includes his aunt’s live-in boyfriend.)

Malek has anxiety that often gets dismissed because he doesn’t show signs of being mentally ill. 

Poppy is not out to her parents. She’s out do Dev, and the rest of the school knows she’s bisexual. She doesn’t have a filter, and she says what she wants, and then afterwards she feels terrible to have acted like a jerk. She’s a real soft, good kid inside. She has BPD, and ngl, I wrote her to have struggled with ED when she was a bit younger. 

Jonas/Parker is autistic. I’ve talked about him and Dallas’ disabilities here. He’s bisexual, but he is not out to anyone but Phoebus and Tyler. I think he could be interpreted as someone who has PTSD from abusive parents, but I need to do much more research on this.

Ari is nonbinary. They’re not out to anyone except the baseball team. They use any pronouns. He/She/They, it don’t matter for a nihilist like Ari. They have AVPD, and it’s pretty hard for them to open up to.. Anyone at all. It’s Just Hard. They tend to lash out on people. 

Phoebus is an amputee. He’s had a rough tumble with osteosarcoma, but he’s alive, and it’s all that matters. Sometimes he gets tired, he uses a wheelchair. He has depression, but, like Malek, it tends to get forgotten because he doesn’t show signs of being mentally ill. He’s pansexual, and he’s out to everyone.

Blake is gay and a cocktail of undiagnosed cluster B personality disorders. He’s too afraid of seeing a therapist, He is not out to anyone outside of the baseball team, but People Talk. 

Ben is HoH. Dallas is his bi awakening. I think he has ADHD and PTSD, but I’m still reading into it.  For Spoiler-y Reasons, I Can’t Disclose Too Much.

Sara is lesbian. She doesn’t care about people knowing, but she only tells people when boys hit on her. Again, I can’t disclose too much about her personality without it being too spoiler-y!

Tyler has OCD. At the moment, he’s assumed he was straight up until he let himself get close to Blake. Blake makes him feel all sorts of wiggly and angry things in his stomach. He wants to kiss Blake but he also wants to punch Blake in the head sometimes. His Feelings Need a lot of work. What’s it to have a crush on anyone anyway. He’s too young to be in love, and his greatest fear is to end up like his dad, divorced, always sitting late at night in a boring old office, disgruntled and malcontent, cursing while grading some dumbass’ paper. He’s not out to anyone, and everyone, including himself, assumes he’s straight.

[conflictedrabbit]

to be honest, it’s been a long time since I’ve thought of mental illness as merely a “chemical imbalance”. I’ve been thinking of it as the product of abuse for the longest time now. and developmental disorders instead as alternative ways of simply being. 

but with this new stuff I’m reading, and also the commonality of diagnoses and how capitalism supports these ways to pathologize us by giving us specific labels so that we can distract ourselves from the actual problem (that is: how society is so ableist), now I’m starting to wonder...

how useful is it to identify with, or get diagnosed with, a personality disorder?

considering that our culture is what it is and isn’t going to change any time soon (nor do I believe I will ever be able to jump into another culture’s system of beliefs and to view myself as part of a whole that is automatically connected to many members in the community, as pleasing as that sounds, that kind of goes against my entire life experiences and if you will, the whole point of why I would choose to see myself as having avpd), should we be rejecting these labels? 

Even if you reject them of course, if you still wanted to explain “divergent” behaviors you’d still have to explain yourself in some terms. i.e. “my mood changes very fast” instead of “bipolar”. 

Basically, the main issue here is that I can understand is that we are at a culture block. Either we have to find a way to work a new thought into science, that is, finally placing freud and cartesian thought into the trash where it belongs, or we’re stuck because no matter how we try to articulate ourselves, we’re simply different. As is with the lgbt+ labels that I brought up in a previous post; when we’re stigmatized against and we find a way to label ourselves that doesn’t refute the underlying cultural rules (”it’s the same love but our preferences can be clearly delineated as not like yours”), we end up taking comfort in the various ways we can expand on those labels. 

We’ve been herded into a box and we try to expand on the sides without realizing that we could climb out of the box altogether.

But again: because culture is not a one person thing or even a 20 person thing but an evolving entity that is unevenly distributed among who gets a say in its rules, all we can do is raise awareness of how our conceptions of identities aren’t a natural truth. 

There is no “natural”. Everything that is deemed “natural” means there is “unnatural”, but that has always been culturally decided.

[mondayschild-lives-blog]

wednesday, 11th january 2017

I'm writing this entry at almost 1am because today I had a not-so-good day. first I couldn't get out of bed at all because I was exhausted and I had a blistering headache, and then somehow I just ended up staying in bed literally all day. it was 10pm when I literally said I had enough of this because in 12 hours I would have to go and meet my thesis director whether I wanted to or not so I might as well just pull an all-nighter and sleep when it's done. I also found it ironic that the the moment I decided to not punish my body by starving it I lose my appetite completely. my best friend sent me an article on the contraceptive pill and its link with depression. the journalist sounded exactly like me - can you imagine dropping out of uni because of the think that keeps your periods lighter and pain-free? today I also realised that the first order of business to learning to cope with my poor mental is health is: to stop procrastinating. my procrastination is chronic, to the point where when combined with my depression and anxiety I procrastinate on everything. Literally everything. it's why I wondered if I didn't have AvPD - I avoid everything, especially social situations which sucks because I currently live in a room in a floor with about 17 people so I even avoid going to the toilet if I can help it (I seriously considered the pros and cons of getting a chamber pot). I think doing things as soon as I think of them, no matter how hard, and building that as a habit will go a long way to lessening my lifelong learned habit of avoiding things, anxiety over things that aren't done, and that depressive feeling of not being able to do anything, ever. we'll see.

[oswednesday]

like idk what this feeling is like, bitter acceptance of someones behavior like jenny was angry at me about like the image of herself vs what i see her as right but also the accessibility thing like all i ever asked her was to give me a heads up if she needed a personal day and even then id always add, its okay if you cant i know that defeats the personal day by talking to anyone and sometimes id be like hey everything okay? when there was a lull in convo or she was like away for a bit without saying brb like if that ever bothered her she never said and like p much every time id be like thats more than okay! have fun! alright! have a nice! whatever youre doing! oh okay! like? then id get up and do my own thing, like otherwise id just be waiting and wondering if everythings okay cause i have avpd and she knows that?  like we talked about it once and maybe she did want the time and space to be away without saying anything without a little panic from me, like just a day where she could vanish and have no one say anything maybe but that wasnt like a realistic thing to ask like one time i took a nap and she went to contemplate suicide and drove by the cliff side and im saying that cause thats something she’d post about like, id wake up and it be there but i dont fault her for any of that thats just not a realistic representation of the time we spent together or the dynamic we shared together, she liked that we talked like we were just there together at one time, one time she was saying how a fp was texting her all the time and she liked that and people getting back to her that mattered to her promptly was important to her at one time so idk where this is coming from

 the only time i ever got upset about her like not being around was when we had plans to talk and i was just upset that she kept bailing on all the plans we made i had been, like let her go do her own thing about it for so long it got to the point where if i made a plan i might as well have not of, that was my fault, i should have spoken up sooner and i shouldnt have gotten upset when i did finally spoke up, it just, should have been an obvious thing to do but i shouldnt have gotten upset about it and i regret it i think about it with a lot of remorse it was a mistake to have gotten upset it wasnt a mistake to have brought it up as something to have been kept tho because it was about something very serious

 and the times closer to The End when she would literally not talk to me for a whole week at a time like in a span of two months we might have had like ten convos with each other in total like going from spending our entire days together to that and each time it was like handling a tidewave of things that happened as if all the hard work we had done last diccussion was completely undone and i didnt even exist if i wasnt in her sights, she sometimes even with no memory of the last time we talked about stuff like maybe, it felt like that anyway it i tried so hard to get a hold of her cause something terrible was happening, she knows that, i think too and that wasnt even the reason she said we couldnt be together anymore the reason was cause i wasnt physically there to touch so our relationship didnt feel real to her because i wasnt there, enough???? i dont understand where this anger about her time is coming she asked for space, and it wasnt always fair to me but its space i gave her because she asked for it

 the only times i had Ever hounded her is when i thought she was going to hurt herself and the times she was actively avoiding talking about getting help i tried until there wasnt anything left for us to hold on to and thats on her, i tried so hard