#not sure exactly how i’d write it but it’d be fun to try

[autistic-katara]

PLEASE listen to the song it’s so good and insanely Byler-coded

[catsfor2]

out west (ellie x reader)

warnings: guns/firearms

a/n: howdy guys. not sure if this is what everyone was picturing but this was SO MUCH FUN to write ☺️😋☺️. i definitely do not think they used the word “daddy” in the wild west but i wanted to use it soooo😩😩😩😩also here are the random bits of western slang i used (taradiddles - lies, rumours. sage hen - woman, lady. ‘at sea’ - scared/confused. bellyache - worry. flannel mouth - shithead politician basically) im sorry if i effed this up 0_0 -j

His oversized poncho was black. So was the bandanna covering his mouth, and the large hat hiding his eyes. His revolver, resting like a small child in his gloved hand, stares you down mercilessly.

The figure looked of a ghost. A silent, lifeless bundle of fabrics, rippling in the wind. No face. No skin. No humanity.

And he matched the description of the poster exactly.

“No—no, please, my—my Daddy, he’s the sheriff! It’s more trouble than I’m worth, I’m tellin’ you, please!” You beg, eyes beginning to water and voice already panicked.

He says nothing, boot-clad feet pounding the wood floor carelessly as he walks towards you.

“If you do this he’ll find you! He won’t stop until he finds you! Please don’t!”

It was like talking to a pile of bricks.

The outlaw continues to charge ahead, wordlessly, and you find yourself desperately trying to see where his eyes would land under his hat. He approaches, big and brooding, until you’re face to face with that soulless bandana and downright trembling.

“I—I’d make a real good wife, really, I’ve learned all the—the sewin’, the cookin’ and—and ranchin’! I know it all I promise! It’d be a waste!” You plea, knowing it’s a last resort, knowing this man does not care.

In an instant, his hands clutch your shoulders and forcibly shove you to the side and out of his way, sending you stumbling. His attention lands and focuses on the wall that was behind you.

The poster?

Suddenly, his arm thrusts out and snatches it, like the crack of a whip, before frantically tearing the paper into tiny little pieces.

You watch as they all float down to the floor, feathery and weightless.

You see the brim of his hat turn to you first, and then his head, slowly, like he’s noticing your presence for the first time.

The hand not holding his revolver rises calmly, loosening the edges of his bandanna just a touch. He clears his throat.

“Girl like you knows how to ranch?”

Your eyes almost pop out of your head.

“You’re—”

“Sorry, these damn posters—always…writin’ up taradiddles. Got people thinkin’ I’m some madman, when really,” a finger flicks the rim of the hat, flipping it off of his head and into his grasp. “I’m no man at all.”

You feel yourself reeling, barely able to understand his words, or, her words. The hat had covered up her blue eyes, almost oceanic in color. The bandanna, hiding her soft thin lips. Basically criminal, all the fabric denying you sight of her face.

She went against almost everything Daddy had taught you. It was as terrifying as it was alluring.

“Well you look a bit at sea, darlin’. Why so scared?” She asks, placing her revolver in its holster and walking a bit closer to you.

“I—I don’t get how,”

“How? How what? How a sage hen can shoot? I can tell you right now I cut a cleaner whistle than your Daddy.” She grins, palm now itching closer to her weapon.

“No I—I believe you, it’s alright. Please don’t bring that back out.” You rush, the fear starting to sink back into you.

“Oh, honey, I don’t hunt the good ones. You’ve nothin’ to be scared of,” She assures you, her hand reaching out and feeling some of your hair. “now that sheriff Daddy of yours? Can’t say the same for him.”

You pause, hands balling into fists.

“You know what? My Daddy told me all about you and what you’ve done. I wouldn’t be speakin' so kindly of yourself.” You bite, slightly catching the gunslinger off guard with your tone.

“Oh, did he? Well your Daddy clearly don’t know me too well,” she rebukes, gesturing to the torn pieces of poster under her boots. “do you always believe everythin’ Daddy says?”

“Of course not—”

“I bet Daddy told you that storks bring the babies, right? Did he tell you that?”

“When I was young, but—”

“I bet he also told you about marriage then? One man and one woman?”

You stop talking.

What was wrong about that? Isn’t that how marriage is?

“Most of all, I bet he done told you all about the perfect husband you’re gonna get. Some flannel mouth he works with. Daddy’s girl only gets the best, right? That what he say?”

“I—” You turn your head, a little defeated. “I ain’t marryin’ no flannel mouth,”

“Oh yeah? That’s what’ll happen if you keep listenin’ to Daddy.”

“You don’t know jack. Just a crazy woman with a shootin’ iron. You won’t ever find a husband, I know it.” You spit, not even really believing your own words.

She laughs, rather abruptly, hands rested in the loops of her gun holster.

“Got no bellyaches about that, darlin’. I promise you.” She says knowingly, eyes unwilling to break their gaze from you.

You don’t quite understand what she means by it, especially the way she’s grinning, so you say nothing. Her eyes watch you darkly, following your movements and sending messages you can't translate.

Before she can speak, you remember.

“Oh—my Daddy’s gonna be back soon. I don’t want you to be here when he does.” You tell her, glancing at the doorway behind the both of you.

“I won’t be.”

“Alright—will…will I see you again?”

“Oh sweetheart, you want to?” She questions, starting to re-tie the black bandanna around her mouth.

You blush, sweetly, and the outlaw basks in it. She takes her hat back off, kisses it gently, and places it in your hands.

Her head moves to your neck, barely getting close enough to your ear and whispering faintly.

“Tell Daddy it’s from a suitor, yeah?”

Your cheeks heat, sheerly from how close she is, but also at her words, which feel so much dirtier than they should be to you.

Following that, her leather-covered hands grab your face, and she places a warm kiss on your cheek through the bandanna.

Only lightly could you feel the outline of her lips in the fabric, and it sets you on fire nonetheless.

“Thank you,” you murmur, unsure of how to respond and dizzy with excitement.

“Don’t thank me yet,” she warns, voice a bit muffled. She pulls down the bandanna one last time, and with a wink, tells you,

“I’ll be back for my hat.”

[pro-mammonologist]

Demons Are a Girls Best Friend

A fun vacation to the mountains! The brothers are fascinated by the human world and even more fascinated by the human world’s interpretation of them. After exploring a local church, Asmodeus learns of Mc’s relationship with the church as well as igniting an interesting fantasy of theirs.

Note: inspired by the song Demons Are a Girl’s Best Friend by Powerwolf, if you’re okay with a little bit of metal, you’ll love this and want it in your obey me playlist

This chapter is the start of the NSFW, it’s essentially the planning process, the setup, and the very start of the adventures. There’s mentions of impact play, bondage, and sacrilegious fantasy. I imagine if you’re reading fanfic on tumblr you’re not afraid of a lil kink. And you aren’t afraid of sacrilege if you’re into Obey Me. ALSO, I really try to have MC discuss the role play itself because I think it’s important people have a good idea of how these bdsm scenes work even if it’s not perfect. Sorry if it’s moving slowly to your taste, I wanted to explore Mc’s emotions as well as the brothers. I think the intimacy here will really amp up in preparation for the actual scene itself! Enjoy!

GN!Mc with a coochie x All brothers

@ikevampharem

Part 1

Chapter 2: “they wanna make you bend and scream”

Now faced with all 7 brothers eager to try out your fantasy, you scrambled over what you wanted to happen. And how. And where…

“So are we gonna dress as priests?” Belphie looked toward Mammon hoping he’d suggest stealing some priests garb.

“Don’t look at me! I feel like stealing from a church is a bad idea!” Mammon answered, confused as to why Belphie asked him not you.

“Well,” Asmo now had pen and paper in his hand, “we could use magic!”

“What are you writing for?” Beel questioned peeping around the table you all sat at.

“So we know what we’re gonna do to our lovely Mc!” He clicked the pen and looked to you. “So, it’s a bit of daddy I’ve been naughty sorta situation! Do you wanna confess your sins to us all?” Asmo’s eyes were twinkling.

“Um… confession usually has one priest present so I figured it’d be a different setting.” You sat at the head of the table, fiddling with the fabric of your shirt.

Lucifer sat on the edge of the table, directly to your left, refusing to sit in a chair for some reason. “Hm, to be honest, playing priests sounds fun but what if we were demons pretending to be priests? Im not exactly too sure if we could all maintain a holy facade. Those days are long gone, don’t we all agree?” Lucifer looked around and Satan was the first to agree.

“I never even had any holy days, so I agree. Plus it only adds more fun to the fantasy don’t you think?” Satan pulled the paper from Asmo and grabbed a pen for himself. “Here, I suggest we set everything up for Mc within their limits and we plan the scene ourselves.”

“I trust you guys to come up with something good for me by now.” You nodded, somewhat thankful all the planning wasn’t up to you. “I can list the parameters though.” You were also thankful that you didn’t have to confess exactly what you wanted to them, your embarrassment would be overwhelming.

Levi put his hand down on the table. “Listen, I have an idea!” He scrambled for the paper. “So let’s say Mc is lost and they find us here and we will use magic to make one of the rooms look like a church right… and then while Mc is praying to themselves out loud for forgiveness, we come in and—“ he abruptly stopped when Beel spoke up.

“If we say everything that ruins the fun right? We need to hear what Mc isn’t up for and what they are up for, right?” Beel looked to you, innocent per usual.

Your thoughts were swarming and you struggled to find out what you should say. “I’m thinking—well—I imagine that I’d be punished for all the stuff you have done to me, right?” You had a thought, a dirty one, but you were hoping for someone to read your mind.

“Go on.” Lucifer encouraged you, knowing you’re feeling a bit shy.

Dammit. “Well, then I guess everything we’ve done is on the table. At least what we can access.” You avoided saying exactly what you wanted causing Lucifer to sign through his nose.

“Everything?” Mammon repeated, leaning back. “To be fair, when we all do it with you, you do have the same limits. Just no actual harm. A lil pain here and there, no tickling, no blood, and only tears from pleasure. Amiright?”

“I’m told the same thing.” Lucifer concurred. “Those are your limits correct? Nothing beyond typical bedroom bdsm.”

“Sounds about right!” Asmo cocked his head and pulled the paper back while no one was looking. “So how about we 7 devise a plan and you, our lovely Mc, gets to prepare!”

“Well, for one, those are my limits, and for two, Asmo you can’t decide for me!” You were mildly irritated at him rushing but you did enjoy his enthusiasm. “Basically, I’m down with restraints, a little impact but let’s keep it down to just our physical person. I’m already about to get fucked by all 7 of you I don’t need that much overstimulation. Speaking of which, I’m down for multiple orgasms but overstimulation might not be it for right now especially since I imagine you’re all in the mood to go all out.”

Asmo furiously wrote, trying to keep up with each word. “Is edging on the table?”

You smiled and Levi scoffed. “If Lucifer is involved it’s probably always on the table.”

“I’m not that awful that I always edge them.” Lucifer looked offended by Levi’s comment but you ignored their little comments.

“Yes but… remain in control of yourselves I don’t wish to pass out before I even get to cum once.” You emphasized and Asmo underlined don’t go crazy on the paper. After he looked back to you thought a bit more. “Let’s use the light system too.”

Satan nodded. “We might need a nonverbal as well. And I think it’s better to use the light system for something like this, but if you do yellow, you need to inform us what to stop and what to continue.”

You thought for a moment. “If that’s the case, let’s say if my mouth is full then my hands need to free and vice versa. I’ll snap twice.“ You watched Asmo write again. “If you don’t hear or see the snaps, ima kick. No matter which one of you it is.” You were in-between joking and seriousness.

“Careful, Mammon and Levi might like it.” Belphie cackled.

“Hey! Don’t go lumpin’ me in with Levi! That guy probably likes to be waterboarded!” Mammon retorted making you grin.

“Water boarding? That’s more like Barbatos! I bet that guy will do anything! Plus… water boarding wouldn’t even work on me!” Levi snapped back and he shook his head at Mammon. “Mammon probably has a findom fetish!”

“Excuse me??? Why would I give my money to someone for just a boner!”

“Well you spend all your money on Mc!”

“That’s different! I’m spending it on gifts for them! Not begging for them to take my money!”

Levi and Mammon continued their back and forth until Lucifer pinched both of them. “Hush. You can squabble about your concerning fetishes later.” Lucifer turned the attention back to you. “So, let’s say you’re sucking me off, you wouldn’t want to be bound? Am I understanding you correctly…?”

You blinked twice, trying to see what he’s getting at. “Oh! Um, I guess if I’m snapping then my hands could be bound.”

“Hm, good to know that’s something you’d consider and I wasn’t hinting at me questioning your safety, Mc.” He smirked, a sadistic twinkle in his eyes. “I just wanted to make sure we heard you correctly. The more detail the better, right?”

You fought the heat rising in your body. “Well I don’t even know what you’re hinting at either.”

“Who says that I’m hinting at anything?”

“You just implied that you were hinting at something.”

“Then what do you think I’m hinting at?” Lucifer crossed his arms, still smirking.

“Something nasty for sure, you wouldn’t be making that face otherwise.” You tried to challenge him, pretending as though you aren’t flustered. “Why don’t you tell me what you plan to get out of this?”

Lucifer snorted. “I plan to have fun, relieve some stress. Perhaps tire them out as well.” He motioned to his brothers.

You couldn’t help but grin. “That’ll take some trouble off your plate, huh?”

“HELLLOOOO! We’re here too!!!!” Mammon shouted. “Stop talkin’ bout us right in front of us!” Mammon moved to the front of the table and nestled himself between you and Lucifer. “And don’t go picking favorites when we get down and dirty!”

Lucifer groaned as Mammon moved between you two. “Is your presence necessary?”

You giggled at his comment and looked at all of them sternly. “Also, when it starts, I don’t want any arguing! We can fight afterwards.”

“Hey, my favorite, aftercare. Ya know sometimes it’s more fun than the actual thing itself. But it’s probably gonna be annoying since it’s not just you and me.” Mammon smiled at you and his brothers spoke up in protest.

“Who said it’d be fun with you anyways?” Satan was the first to talk back. “Mc, you don’t have to include him.”

“Hey! No bullying Mammon either.” You gave him the irritated-mom-stare.

“Shame.”

Asmo cleared his throat and pulled everyone back to the scene. “Aftercare indeed. Bath, warm clothes, lotion, cuddles, water, snacks, cakes?” He listed off his suggestions and Beel’s ears perked up at cakes. “Anything in particular??”

You leaned toward him, away from Mammon and Lucifer. “I’m gonna be sweaty as hell probably. I’m gonna need a cold shower. I think a bath might overwhelm me. Water is important. Maybe some tea and yes, we should have dessert after the fucking. I’m assuming we will be eating dinner beforehand. And cuddles are always on the table but uh… we need to wait until I’m done for me to decide who I wanna cuddle.”

“Ooooh! That reminds me, I am hungry! And while we are out for dinner, we can get supplies so we don’t waste our magic!” Asmo stood up and it’s as though everyone suddenly realized their own hunger.

“I am starving.” You stood and Lucifer looped an arm around your waist to pull you into him.

“Mc. I’ll have you know,” he whispered, “this fantasy of yours is something I plan to play out perfectly. Us demons, we love to play, something like this just strikes me so perfectly. You need to realize that you can’t be shy later.” Your back was pressed to his chest and his lips just grazed over your ear.

“I won’t be.” Was all you answered.

——————————————————————————

When you all finished your dinner, you split up into groups to find supplies for your trip and your fantasy. You walked alongside Mammon and Satan searching for things to do while vacationing while Beel, Belphie, and Levi searched for supplies for your night. Lucifer and Asmo returned to your loft to plan the night ahead.

“What made you come along Satan? I figured you’d want to be with Levi’s party.” You asked, sitting next to him while seated on the metro.

“Truth be told, while I’m fine with helping to plan for the trip, I wanted to have you alone so we could talk about what you really wanted to do.” He answered honestly.

Mammon leaned forward. “While they ain’t alone. And why do you get special treatment?”

“I don’t. Even if you’re here Mammon, they’d be more willing to admit their fantasies considering they slept with you first. So… if you’re here, I figured they’d talk to you about it more.”

You nodded. “I guess that makes sense. But to be honest, I’ve already said the most embarrassing part.” You glanced away and focused on Mammon’s hand on your knee.

“I don’t think so.” He disagreed. “You’re clearly biting your tongue.” He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward. “I won’t press you too much if you’re truly feeling too embarrassed but I still want to know more.”

Mammon was oddly silent, his own thoughts swirling. “Ya know, Mc, I bet I got a good guess.”

You swallowed. “Okay…”

“It’s not the getting fucked by priests thing is it? It’s the demons pretending to be priests, amiright? That’s why you suggested it, right Satan?” He kept his eyes on you while your heartbeat moved faster.

“Correct. You see, Mc, I’m trying to get you to admit something in particular. If Mammon has figured it out then I’m sure the rest have the same assumption that I do.”

Mammon stepped on Satan’s foot in retaliation to his comment. “You got a demon kink, dontcha?”

He hit right in the balls. You weren’t escaping this one. “Yeah.” Neither of their expressions changed and you sunk back into the seat. “Is that it?”

“Yup, that’s it.” Satan crossed his legs again and relaxed into his seat following suit. Mammon did the same.

“Damn, all that tension just for a yeah.” Mammon teased, clicking his tongue. “Figured after a while you wouldn’t be scared to admit that ya like demons to the demons you’re fuckin’.”

“Shush.” You elbowed him. “Ima get your ass someday.”

Satan tried to bite back a smile. “I’d be happy to help get him back. I’m sure I have something that didn’t work on Lucifer but would work on him.” Satan shot Mammon a mischievous look.

“Haha funny. Laugh laugh laugh.” Mammon squished your cheeks out of nowhere and you jumped.

“Mams!” You protested.

After you all exited the train, you went into a small bakery to choose your desired items for post-coitus. You eyed the treats. Cupcakes, cakes, cookies, pastries, everything you could want. You saw at the top of the counter a crucifix and your eyes fixated on it, thinking of what you planned to do later.

Mammon started choosing items, asking for the tray of blueberry muffins and asking Satan who is paying for all of this. You suggested getting the cupcakes on the top of the shelf and told Satan to place the order.

“Mc.” Mammon scurried over to you. “We should get that tea over there too.”

You looked to what he was talking about. “Why?”

“Cuz it has a soothing effect. I don’t want you to be in pain afterwards. I know you prolly want a lil but—“

“But what?”

“I can tell that Lucifer, Satan, and Levi are crazy excited for this. I am too, but, you got the two sadists out here foaming at the mouth. And you admitted you got a demon kink.” Mammon reached for the tea and put it in the pile. “I just know Satan is gonna abuse the hell out of that shit… I mean… I would too but, only when we’re alone.”

You knew he was right, you also had a feeling Satan had been waiting for something like this. You realized that’s also what Lucifer wanted you to admit earlier. That you had a kink. For demons. For them.

“Yeah, you’re right. We should find something for me to wear too. I wanna fit the theme of, as Asmo would say, lost little lamb.”

Satan returned to your party, bags of treats in hand. “There’s a small boutique there. I’m sure it has something in there that looks innocent.” His eyes were glassy, something that usually happened when he was enraged or insurmountably horny. “Surprise us. Me and Mammon will search for any… enhancements we can make.”

“Whaddya mean me and you? Leavin’ them alone? Nuh uh.” Mammon tried to go with you but Satan grabbed his arm.

“Asmo and Lucifer are sending the plan to us. We need to make adjustments. Come on, don’t you want this to be perfect.” He convinced Mammon and handed you Lucifer’s card. “We will stay here.”

You nodded and went inside the boutique. You mostly saw tourists clothing but as you moved further back, you found more conservative clothing. You wanted to look sexy but also innocent and it’s a struggle to combine those two things. You knew whatever you wore needed to be white and likely needed to be a dress. Or something that had easy access.

Moving aside you settled on a frilly little white sundress, something that an innocent church girl would wear for sure. It hid everything but there was appeal in the sheerness of the sleeves and how it was practically see through. You went to try it on, admiring how it hung on your body. You also grabbed a pair of white thigh highs, knowing they’d love the touch. The real question was what underwear to wear. You had to move closer to the back where they kept the intimates. Should you even wear a bra or just wear undies? The bra is kinda useless you decided. And, in contrast to the rest of the white outfit, you picked out a pair of cheeky black panties with a small bow at the top, desperately trying to be innocent. It was cute, something to tease them with.

When you went to check out, the clerk eyed you weirdly but you played it off to the best of your ability and joined back up with your boys. “I’m done!”

“Good. They’re almost done setting up, let’s head back.” Satan put his phone in his pocket. Satan and Mammon were both smiling innocently, looking at you with slightly raised brows.

“So? You ready?” Mammon grabbed your free hand.

“Yeah.”

————————————————————————

The group was cooking or preparing a room for the event by the time you got home. Lucifer welcomed you back and immediately ordered you to assist with cooking, for Satan to set the table, and for Mammon to help the others with setting up the room.

You joined with Belphie and Beel in the kitchen and helped with the steaks Beel was so diligently trying not to eat. Belphie was dealing with the side dishes combining vegetables together and wondering why it all looked so weird, to which you looked at him like he was crazy.

“They’re miniature trees.”

“They’re called broccoli.”

“This one looks like a carrot.”

“That is a carrot.”

“Weird…”

“They’re the same in the Devildom!!!!”

Beel was sneaking small pieces of carrot and eating them to his hearts content but he desperately wanted the meat. The sauce part was awful especially since Belphie just didn’t follow directions and Beel drooled too much into the first batch causing Satan to join and let Beel help with the rest of the bunch.

“Seasoning is very important in the human world. Much of the Devildom’s food has more flavor.” You told him. “So you need to put a lot more. And you really need more than just those three. Since Beel didn’t put enough in the marinade, we’re gonna have to hammer in with the sauce.”

“Is that why all the human world food we have in the Devildom sucks?” Belphie asked after almost falling asleep with a knife in his hand.

“Yeah, cuz y’all can’t follow directions clearly.” You ended up doing most of the heavy lifting when it came to cooking, which is unusual considering there isn’t that big of a difference in cooking human food or demon food.

“You’re moving fast, are you excited for tonight?” Lucifer entered and sat at the bar next to the kitchen. “I got some interesting information from Satan earlier.”

Ah, of course he told. “I bet you did.”

“How long until it’s done?” He pondered as you removed the steaks from the pan.

“We are done.” You hurried last Lucifer and called to the brothers trying to avoid his teasing he was bound to unleash upon you should you give him the opportunity. “Come on!!! Get your plates and line up!!!!”

As the other three joined, Asmo wiped sweat from his face and jumped up to you. “Everything is finished and it’s perfect ugh I’m so ready!!!!!!”

You smiled at him softly and he huffed. “What?”

“You can admit it too, you know. No one is going to judge you, Mc.” He cupped your face and pouted.

“I just know y’all are gonna eat me alive if I do admit it, so ima stay quiet.” You responded and pulled his hands down. “Don’t try to pull it out of me.”

“I’m not pulling out don’t worry!” He hopped around to the back of the line and pretended he didn’t imply anything and you served the food.

Dinner was unusually quiet, everyone was eating, likely desperate to wolf down the food and let it settle so they could begin. You were actually pretty nervous now that the time was near, it was mildly uncomfortable and you were the only one taking your time to eat.

“Mc.” Mammon whispered beside you. “What’s wrong? The foods really good.”

You looked down, pushing a carrot around in the sauce. “It’s nothing really.”

“Are ya nervous?” He rubbed your thigh and waited for your answer.

“Yeah. It’s something I’ve always thought about but never thought I’d do.” You answered, knowing they could hear you too but avoiding their presence.

“Don’t worry, if you need us to stop, we can. Does the fantasy bother you?” He reassured you. “We’re demons, not evil.”

“Um… well. No, it’s more or less. A little weird and I’m kinda ashamed of it. I was really surprised when you guys brought it up and you all decided to go along with it.” You heard shifting beside you.

“Mc, it isn’t all that weird at all.” Levi pulled out his phone. “Look, humans are into it everywhere. And ya know us demons tend to have corruption kinks. We like seeing people acknowledge your dark side. That’s how we planned it out actually!”

“We promise it’ll be fun.” Asmo put his fork down. “I wouldn’t want to to be a weird forceful type of situation. And even though we wanted to surprise you, if you want to see the plans and scripts and stuff I think no one would be opposed to showing you.” He ran off to get the papers.

“Yes I agree. I was concerned it might be too much for you, now that you’re having doubts I think it’d be wise to read it.” Lucifer began to gather plates at the table. “If you want us to stop or even not do it, we can return everything and undo the magic. No one will be upset at you.”

You shifted and looked at him. “I don’t want to stop it, but I am nervous. I appreciate you letting me do this.”

Asmo handed you the notes they wrote. “Here, tell me if I need to change anything.”

You grabbed them and looked through them. Each brother had written something or contributed, you could tell. There was a detailed description of the scene and how you wanted it as well as things you enjoyed from previous sessions with the brothers. They even had a list of words to call you and not to call you, as well as some biblical research. They had a timeline as well and open-ended portions that you would likely decide on mid scene. It was also written entirely in glitter pen.

Nothing was off, nothing was harsh, nothing no consensual and nothing dubious, just demons playing pretend. And when Mammon said that it was gonna be making you drop your innocent act, that’s exactly what it was. Everything was you centered, your pleasure. To be honest, it almost made you emotional seeing their attention to detail.

“I’m actually impressed.” You said. “I’m really surprised that you managed to make that whole secretly demon thing not how can I say it…”

“Non-consensual?” Satan spoke aloud. “Yes, I wanted it to be completely in your hands. I even suggested we write a script where we weren’t demons at all. Beel helped really flesh out the reveal part.”

“Beel, really?”

“Yeah.” He said, reaching to point at a certain part. “This is where I started. I can’t do anything that might hurt you whether fake or real. And I just didn’t want to pass any limits or make any of us harm you.” The brothers all agreed and looked to you.

Mammon wiggled your leg. “Soooo, we all on now? You feel better?”

“Yeah I do.”

“Still wanna do it?”

“Yeah, I’m more excited now.”

“Heheh. Good.”

Lucifer nodded. “Just know, you should never worry about communicating this to us. We would never hurt you. At least, not actual harm. Should we ever pass a single limit or even draw near it, I expect you to stop us and I expect you to be honest. Since your our sub tonight your safety is top priority. Even out of the scene, you’re our top priority.”

Man, you could cry. “Thank you.” You uttered out, feeling your throat hitch. “And if you feel uncomfortable I want you guys to stop too.”

“My Mc, you need to be able to first. I don’t want to continue unless you’re fully honest. 100%. Tell me, do you consent to me and my brothers engaging in this scene with you?”

You sat for a moment and nodded.

“I need an answer, not just a nonverbal. I think we all do.”

“Yes. I consent to this scene.” Once the words were out, a weight lifted from your shoulders. Your nervousness practically faded.

“Good. So, let’s clean. And then, we will begin once you’re ready.”

[bebx]

Honestly, I don't get how people can think that Sylki won't be endgame. Are they forgetting that it's Disney? Or that the writer is a Sylki shipper? Let's be realistic. I agree that it would make zero sense, but this argument is lame, because we know Marvel doesn't care and they're capable of doing that. I wouldn't be surprised if they rushed it and pulled "actually Sylvie has been in love with him the entire time, but she's been hiding it, trying to push him away, because she thinks she doesn't deserve love. But she got over it now." Not to be rude, but I feel like everyone who believes that Sylki won't happen is delusional. I really want Lokius to happen, not Sylki, but even the idea of Sylki not happening is too good to be true. I feel like those leaks are true.

the leaks, which came from several people who claimed to have seen the entire season (and they all said the same thing), were correct about Marvel’s revealing that Mobius has 2 sons in episode five. I know it’s just a “rumor” and there’s no way to know if they really did see the entire season, but tbh I expect Marvel to pull the Sylki endgame in the finale (like how those leaks also said they would do that, getting Loki and Sylvie back together in the last episode).

if I had to guess, I’d say it’d go exactly the way you said, that Sylvie was always in love with Loki all along, but didn’t think she deserved to be loved, hence why she tried to push him away.

I would love to be wrong, but I guess we’re all finding out soon.

also I wouldn’t call anybody delusional for thinking Sylki won’t be endgame or that Lokius will be canon, unless it’s in a joking manner where I’m also making fun of myself. but in all seriousness, I don’t think anybody is ever “delusional” for having opinions about which direction the show will go based on what was actually showed so far in the series. because if this weren’t Disney, I’d say Lokius would absolutely go canon, after all those hints and everything they gave us so far. Sylki parting ways as friends and Lokius going canon as a couple are very highly unlikely, but it’s not entirely impossible either.

as for the writer, if you mean Eric Martin, dude’s a troll (and I say this with respect lol nothing against him, I’m sure he’s a good person with good sense of humor), he’s always liked both Sylki and Lokius posts because he knows fans monitor his likes and I fully believe he’s doing it on purpose just to (playfully) mess with the audience. so I wouldn’t take whatever he liked on social media as a “confirmation” of anything, not even his personal opinion about which ship he thinks is “better”.

*and even if he does personally ship Sylki, it’d still be unfair imo to assume he only made Sylki endgame solely because he personally liked the ship. if he’s a professional writer, I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that he had other reasons behind his writing choices that had nothing to do with his personal feelings, since after all, the characters belong to Marvel, not him. so his personal preferences shouldn’t be the only factor in deciding which direction things should go. (to be clear, what I mean is: it’s perfectly okay — and it is a good thing — to write a story based on how you, the writer, personally prefer, but I don’t think he’d make Sylki endgame just because he liked it without any other reasons involved when it’s still Marvel’s show and he was hired by Marvel, not his show, if that makes sense.)

[ghosts-and-blue-sweaters]

@saltedcaramelchaos you left these tags on this post and I thought I would ramble just a bit :)

Okayokay so I should start off by saying that this is a very very underdeveloped AU, I haven’t taken much time to think about it, but I do like the bits & pieces I’ve come up with, and I think it’d be really fun to try writing it someday :) It’s not the sort of thing I usually write and that’d make it all the more fun <3

So basically!! Ghostbur has the role of Rapunzel (but without the magic hair, we are Getting Rid of that aspect) and maybe he’s magical? In some way shape or form? Haven’t figured that out yet.

Regardless, he was kidnapped as a baby by Dream (I’m assuming. I also have not figured this part out) and has lived his entire young life in a lonely tower with no one other than Dream to talk to. He’s never even seen a woman before 😔

And maybe he also has Friend? As a Pascal-like companion. Not sure how that would work seeing as sheep need grass & space to graze… maybe there’s a pulley system in place with a platform that Friend rides up & down in order to graze on the grass/get back into the tower? That would be Adorable.

But!! That is Ghostbur’s sad little life!! He’s mostly content, although there is a Longing deep within him that he can’t quite place.

And then there is Wilbur, who takes Flynn/Eugene’s role :) This guy is Trouble; a thieving, eloquent (and yet also pathetic!) young man armed with a satchel, great hair, and brown eyes. And a toothpick for a body. And a certain wet cat vibe.

Due to chaotic circumstances, Wilbur ends up in Ghostbur’s tower while Dream is away, Ghostbur knocks him out with a frying pan (we are keeping that aspect, rest assured), and then the two set off on an adventure that will turn them from strangers into brothers <3

Except they are not exactly strangers. You see. They actually are both technically the sons of the royal leaders of this country, identical twins! Wilbur is well aware of his identity and does Not care for it—hence the thieving. He wants nothing to do with the throne or ruling or crowns or whatever. He willingly ran away from home and has been doing his own thing ever since.

Ghostbur, on the other hand, is clueless! He doesn’t know he is “royalty” or whatever that means! He is simply Ghostbur! What are you talking about! Surely he cannot be important!

So that is my severely underdeveloped Tangled AU :) I’m a big fan of the strangers-to-brothers idea I could go so many places with that. If you or anyone else has ideas you wanna add onto this/things you’re thinking about/etc, I’d LOVE to hear them!!

[sepublic]

Congratulations on the Boscha validation. This episode was a treat in so many ways.

Pal lemme tell you. Back in Season 1B I was a BIG Boscha fan, in part because she had just enough to work with, but also enough empty space for me to speculate freely as I wanted. So I write what was originally my longest TOH fic at the time (and would be for two and a half years, until I finished Understanding Luz last week), and I’m really happy with it. Sure it was released like the day before Agony of a Witch, which I KNEW would probably distract. But honestly I just couldn’t think of a better time so I did it anyway.

That said, I wasn’t getting my hopes up. I had a feeling and wouldn’t have been surprised if the show would move on from Boscha, who’d serve her purpose. If it had more grandiose storylines to pursue than a Grudgby bully’s, so when Season 2 aired in its entirety and she faded into background obscurity, I accepted it! It is how it is, Hexside wasn’t even meant to be as prominent until executive meddling, and even then Boscha wasn’t THAT prominent there anyhow. When she didn’t even appear in Labyrinth Runners, I shrugged because that was that.

But literally the day For the Future aired, I was waiting in anticipation for the release that night and I skimmed through my old Boscha fic for the first time in forever. Reminisced thoughtfully, nostalgically, and ultimately was like Yeah I don’t expect her to show up at this point beyond a cameo, but it was fun imagining and hoping for this type of arc for her back in the days of Season 1B. I’d noticed Amelia and Cat’s presence as puppets in a previous official trailer, thought it was cool because of my Boscha fic and all, but didn’t think it’d GO anywhere, right?

And then I began watching For the Future. I see Boscha, Amelia, and Cat in Skara’s story. I’m already hyped for the cameo of seeing them trying to defend Hexside and failing of course, because we’d already seen Cat and Amelia as puppets earlier the episode. But then Boscha manages to avoid being turned into a puppet, is even saved with the sacrifice of her friends! And then she gets away when the adults charge in as backup! And I’m like okay, so she’s still at Hexside!

AND THEN THE REVELATION THAT BOSCHA IS IN CHARGE. And her whole subplot with Kikimora, her obvious apprehension over losing Cat and Amelia, especially after Amity and then Skara. AND THEN HER TALK WITH WILLOW, the parallels, the callout, because the writers are still interested in that history! And not just Boscha’s history with Willow but with AMITY, as Boscha becomes a bit of an antagonist...

And then she kneels. And suddenly my speculation/fanon of Boscha having this deeply unrequited crush on Amity, this unhealthy admiration and hero worship upon a pedestal. It was canon. The unhealthy co-dependency of it all, Boscha didn’t even want to be the one in charge in their friendship, as long as Amity was by her side! She was fine with being the lackey to Amity, just like Jasper and Lapis from Steven Universe, who I def pulled inspiration from in writing I thought we were Friends. 

The way Amity still has this obvious power and growth over Boscha, who isn’t exactly a threat to her, but definitely an obstacle. The gentle yet firm way she reminds Boscha that yeah, they do have a messed up history and she can see the issues that Boscha struggles with, she was a bully herself! But ultimately Boscha is her own person and Amity implores her to take responsibility and mature as she did... AND SHE DOES!!! She helps our kids hold back Kikimora, just enough for them to barely teleport to the skull in time!

Then the end credits, THAT image of Boscha, lonely, scared, isolated. Being ‘consoled’ by Kikimora, unable to participate in the antics of these losers around her because she’s still so insistent on being strong and without vulnerability. The implication that she gave into Kiki’s advice, because despite her general disdain for authority, deep down I read this as being due to authority’s failure to take care of her. 

But Boscha still wanted and needed a benevolent authority in the absence of actual parental love, which was why she latched onto Amity so hard. And then accepts Kikimora, because her hyper-aggression and independence is all just a coping mechanism over the sense of loneliness and parentification that Boscha’s suffered through. How her past forced Boscha to grow up fast to take care of herself, but she craves someone who can take care of her, guide her, because she’s so tired of doing that for others when she’s never been on the receiving end!

She’s just a deeply troubled kid. There was more to her than just mean high school bully, not that she wasn’t that either, but. Everything in For the Future, her storyline and resolution with Amity, the scenes with Willow. It felt like the PERFECT redemption and recovery ending that I thought we were Friends didn’t have, but could’ve, left open-ended due to the possibilities of canon. And canon delivered...!

Considering the writers put Boscha to the side for a whole season, with a very limited Season 3 to work with, I never imagined her getting a redemption arc of her own, an acknowledgement of her pain, a canonization of her codependency and twisted worship of Amity, and deep-down need for someone to rely on herself. Boscha’s not important enough, there’s not enough time, they wouldn’t prioritize her anyway. But they did and I’m ELATED for it, I wonder if part of the Doylist reasoning was gratitude towards Eden Riegel (Boscha’s VA) and her work in directing the entire voice cast of TOH. And/or if this was always planned...

Either way, with Eden being our only source of Boscha breadcrumbs throughout Season 2 during her appearances in Cissy’s Post-Hoots, and... This really is a dream come true for me, as was Edric’s storyline in Reaching Out. The minor characters I projected a lot of fanon and characterization and backstory onto, ultimately my fanfics for them DID pay off! The reading and speculation was confirmed! And it is SUCH a treat as someone who’s been engaging with and analyzing this show since it was first announced in 2018, you cannot believe how rewarding it feels. 

Season 3′s titles spell out Thanks For Watching, and it honestly does feel as if this Boscha arc was a bone thrown out to her fans and those long-time viewers who engaged with the show that deeply, as thanks for sticking it through the whole way and treating TOH with so much love. And I have to say, THANK YOU to the crew members who made the show to begin with...!

[koolades-world]

hi, super unrelated to obey me BUTTTT i was wondering how you handle your request inbox? is that what it’s called? is it ask inbox? nvm you get my point… i think? idk i just imagine it’s very stressful, like do you chose a prompt that interests you first or do you go by the oldest first.

i like to think about how fun it would be to write stuff and posts about my interests — i even think it’d be fun to get requests. however, i also recognize that i don’t think i could handle it. as much as i’d want to write as a hobby, some part of me knows the moment i start getting requests, i will start viewing it more as a job. i bet there are asks that also bring motivation or inspiration but i’m not 100% sure.

i was just curious if you would be willing to give some insight or your personal experience. totally fine if you don’t want to or don’t know how to respond to this. thank you!

hello!! this is different from the stuff i usually get but I'm super happy to answer your questions and try to help out :)

not really sure what it's called either now that i think about it. i think i just call it my inbox?? idk haha. i rarely talk about my tumblr with anyone and actually don't even mention i write just to have to avoid explaining what exactly i write is to someone who doesn't know. the only two people who know are two of my best friends <333 love you guys since i know you might see this <3 although i will say mentioning that youre a tumblr writer always seems to kill the convo haha

usually, i work in the order i get them! right now, i've just made it into the beginning of feburary since i just have so many and i don't want people to feel like picking favorite because ultimately, anons are people who enjoyed my content enough to make a requests and i want to see that through, to let them feel that excitement that someone whos work they liked actually wrote their idea! some requests can be kinda hard to do sometimes, so i usually need more time to do those so i have time to dwell on the idea. but sometimes they just click and i have it done in less than twenty minutes! sometimes i do occasionally fast track a request if i'm very inspired or if it really speaks to me!

the amount of requests can get a little overwhelming at times, but it's so heartwarming to know that many people like the content i make. right now i have 77 unwritten i think? one day i'll make it through all of them but i don't think ill ever get back to 0 /pos

in order to continue writing it has to be fun for you!! it for sure should not feel like a job. i used to write back in 2020 because of all the extra time i had on my hands, and i lost the time to keep up, so in 2023, i migrated here to try and pick it up again. i'm a stem major (bio my beloved <3) and it's my passion but it leaves little room to be creative, so this is my outlet! i feel like it's a good way to express yourself if you couldn't otherwise. i was so excited when i got my first request! i still remember it clearly just because of how excited i was. it's fulfilling to make people happy with something as simple as words that came from my silly little brain

honestly i blew up much faster than i ever thought i would so i still feel like im all too new at this tumblr blog thing. i still learn new things about tumblr all the time, such as custom themes on desktop haha. i've had this account and have been writing since march of last year but i didn't really start to pick up steam until january of this year because i started posting daily to try and get through all my waiting requests just to like, explode probably because of the consistent posting, so if you are still interested in writing, for sure take it slow! if it's just for fun, don't worry and actually try not to be too consistent. if you want to grow quickly, consistency is key no matter what schedule you decide on.

if i get rude requests, which has only happened a few times now, i just don't do them because i don't want to reward that kind of behavior, even if the idea is magnificent. for sure lay out rules if you do plan to go ahead with writing. be firm with them! im not great at that lol. also remember that you aren't obligated to at all! you are the one choosing to be here and you only have to do the ones you want, or none if you choose not to take requests. i like them because it gives me ideas i wouldnt have before because it can be kinda hard to come up with original ideas at the pace i would need them for my daily post. but, the pace i move at is very fast and it even scares me sometimes, so that wouldn't be too much of a problem for you if you chose to write

hope this was helpful and let me know if you need anything else. always happy to help <3

[nerdasaurus1200]

Fic Writer Asks!

1. What’s something new that you tried in a fic this year? How did it turn out and would you do it again?

3. What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer?

4. What piece of media inspired you the most?

9. What fic meant the most to you to write?

12. What fic was the most difficult to write? Did you finish it?

16. What were you go-to writing songs?

26. If you had to choose one, what was THE most satisfying writing moment of your year?

30. What’s something that you want to write in 2024?

Okay second try on this cause tumblr closed out on me in the middle of answering and didn’t save my draft 😂

1. What's something new that you tried in a fic this year? How did it turn out and would you do it again?

In hindsight I’ve actually tried a lot of new things in the last year. I delved into Lance’s perspective, I’ve been writing for my TOWL characters more and fleshing out their backstories before they moved to Walpole Lane, I wrote more New Dream content. And also writing the synopses for all the books they mentioned throughout Tangled. All of it was so much fun and I really hope I get to do it more. Especially writing for Lance more cause my boy deserves more love.

3. What's something you learned about yourself as a writer?

One of the biggest things I learned in 2023 for myself was how to balance my planning. I’ve learned that as long as I have the meat/core events of the story written down, it’s a big help in making sure I actually finish the fic cause then I know exactly where the plot is going and where to end it.

4. What piece of media inspired you the most?

I think I’d have to say Tangled, since that’s most of what I wrote in 2023.

9. What fic meant the most to you to write?

Is it cheating if I say all of them? 😂

12. What fic was the most difficult to write? Did you finish it?

Hmm….I think I’d have to say The Sundrop Pamphlet, cause I really wanted it to feel like it was Cassandra speaking and not me. Cause the whole thing is supposed to read like a news article from her lips to the Newsies’ printing press. Luckily I did finish it but sometimes I’m concerned that it may read as Cass kinda trauma-dumping on kids if you know the context of it. Like, I’m worried that “Cassandra” (aka, me) didn’t desensitize it enough for the kids she was telling it to.

16. What were you go-to writing songs?

Oooh this is a good one cause I tend to use music for inspiration a LOT when I write. No songs have really been my go-to for Days of the Animals but that may change someday. For “The Sundrop Pamphlet” I mostly listened to Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift and Waiting in the Wings. “Forbidden Love”, naturally I listened to I See the Light a lot 😂. Part one of my Lost Lagoon fic (Save What Has Been Lost) was largely inspired by the “Way of Water” track from Avatar 2 and a little bit of Pure Imagination by Kathleen. “Raise What Lies Beneath”; I listned to the Nightsong from Baldur’s Gate 3 and the Crystal Cavern track from Atlantis.

26. If you had to choose one, what was THE most satisfying writing moment of your year?

Oh hands down, posting my Lost Lagoon fic. I’ve had that half baked in my head roughly since the show ended so it felt so satisfying to finally get it written and out there into the world.

30. What's something that you want to write in 2024?

Oh I have a whole bucket list of things I wanna write/plan to write in 2024:

A Percabeth fic where they watch How to Train Your Dragon

A potential Hazbin fic

More TOWL prequels; mostly featuring Carmilla for now

Chapter 2 of Gwen Grounds Rapunzel

The next chapter of Days of the Animals, in which Varian will adopt Prometheus

Something with Hazel and Primrose

Still working on the plot for it beyond the idea, but it’d be hilarious to do a fic about the gang finding out that Cass glows in the dark

Maybe something with New Dream and Rapunzel hiring Sophie and Dahlia

Definitely something with Poly and/or Ginny, because I must give my daughters more love.

[vonkarma2]

4 + 14 + 23 + 27 + 34?!

4. How did you find the name for a certain character?

I have the same process pretty much all the time I feel bad bc this is such a fun question or it would be 😞 no ones named after anyone or like has their name chosen based on the meaning actively I just like look up names for the place and time period and pick whichever I think fit the character or I already have a name in mind when I make them. I’m like wondering if there were any exceptions. Oh I did want my character Adam’s name to sound like a pseudonym instead of a regular name right bc he’s an SCP agent type like mysterious or whatever. So I used a stage name generator to find out his last name (Adam I just liked how it sounded + the fact that it was biblical). I also like the last name King bc he is also in a position of authority over the other characters at times so it makes sense I guess. 

14.Which OC/s do you relate to the most?

Kind of embarrassing to answer lol like this has to be at least a little personal. I like actively try to make OCs different from myself so I’m not just projecting onto them yk. Like that would be first of all embarrassing LMAO but second of all it it wouldn’t be very interesting to explore I feel like. In my opinion it’s better to start with something you can understand, but like have layers of complexity that you don’t relate to at all or whatever. I don’t really know. But to answer the question I think I relate to like the 3 main OCs of Rocio Angel and Cirillo the most :P maybe Lucia as well. 

23. Have you ever seen something/someone that looks like one of your characters IRL? What was it like?

I actually haven’t that I can remember like not particularly. I have seen some people sometime where I was like ok I should draw a character’s hair or eyes or etc more like them. Like bc I was trying to draw them a certain way but wasn’t 100 sure how but I’d see someone who looked like them irl and I was like ok ok like that. Ofc Ive seen people with some shared traits, but no one who really looked exactly the same, no one where like I was like omg it’s like seeing them irl yk. 

In terms of seeing people irl that remind me of them though like vibes wise what I have seen is people whose clothing really reminded me of like certain characters. Like not that they would actually wear the same thing because I don’t live in a fantasy world in the 1940s but like that remind me of their personality like that they would wear it yk. One time I was like walking around in a city and saw like 10 people with really nice outfits trying to memorize them all to write them down and draw ocs in them later. I ended up doing one of them but I didn’t like how it turned out 😔

27. What's the nicest thing someone has ever said about an OC/OCs?

This question is so embarrassing I have to admit I remember specific nice things people have said about OCs. I do remember specific nice things people have said though. It is hard to pick like 1 nicest thing. You saying Rocio had autism swag is up there. My irl cousin said a bunch of REALLY nice stuff a while ago she likes reading so it was nice to see her reaction. But like every time anyone has said anything like they like a character’s personality or design or storyline or anything it’s really nice I definitely appreciate it and I will remember it forever <3 

34. What scene that you've written/imagined is your favorite?

That’s a good question. I literally don’t know at all. Bc I don’t have like all the details down for most of the scenes I’m thinking so all the ones I’ve like thought abt vividly just have a cool visual to go with them and that’s abt it. That makes it sound shallow it’s not that it’s just like I like the emotion of the scene and the idea behind it but not really any of the specifics you know. So I feel like if I tried to pick one it wouldn’t be like a nuanced pick it wouldn’t be like because it develops the character in this way yk it’d be like bc it’s the climactic scene where this character almost dies and it’s so cool or something like that. Does that even make sense. 

Ok time to actually answer the question. I wish I had thought of more scenes that like show the dynamics between characters that I like bc my plan with that was to write it in wherever it felt intuitive yk. Like check up on the chastcters’ emotional states to see how they’re reacting to plot events. I just realized as writing this I think I want to have Tiago live for longer. Ok ignore that thats not important ummm I think the only scene I’ve really thought much about along those lines is the one where Cirillo and Laura meet again after a long time. I like the conflict there I like the characters a lot and I think it has the potential to be a very satisfying scene <3. Also maybe like denouement stuff where Rocio is like hi getting back from thr underworld was so annoying anyway sorry for almost ruining your lives and getting you killed. As you can see I haven’t really developed that part of the story yet but I think it’d be cool to see as well

[m1ckeyb3rry]

LMAOOO HACK HIS GAME so true i can imagine him trying to beg Nagi/hiori that’d be so funny…BUT LITERALLY SAME!!! I almost forgot the pokemon ref i was gonna make before was Karasu and garchomp…we were talking about his hair and i was kinda thinking like…the front of his hair…looks like a garchomp head….yk with the pointy triangle kinda shape…he would def have a garchomp….a pokemon au sounds so fun i definitely tried to assign some people teams at some point for the heck of it LOL

REAL anri carrying all of bllk along with like chigiris sister and Bachira’s mom maybe but we barely see them!!

No literally…because of the three i think Karasu has def been the most proactive too? I feel like Karasu and otoya are probably on the same level ish, having been starters since their first match but kaneshiro def emphasizes or adds little panels of Karasu actively involved with the game (maybe just because we never see barcha ugh) so im like….are you reading red key LOL

HIMBO REP AHAHA FR!! But seriously zantetsu please survive..I can’t imagine that after all we’ve seen of him in epinagi and the main series that he’ll get kicked out??? But still I look at the theories and I’m like oh um. Haha! Er. Please don’t. I’m hoping they just demote and kick out some of the u20 players that haven’t done much like fukaku (…? Idr their names) Hoping zantetsu gets his cover next in the event of the bllk cover theory shsgsjwhs

If I were in besties shoes I’d totally get it bc wdym you have the perfect kdrama romance literally just written in the stars for you….like MY TURN??? The crane game scene was a knee slapper the way Otoyas just like “move I’ll do it loser” HAHAHAHA oh I love that dynamic between them

THE ADOPTING OF CHIGIRI WAS SO CUTE TOO I was like omg YES when I read the little interactions and their little moment post ping pong game…also speaking of I had no idea that’s what that was?? Ok I got the ping pong but rhyming?? I’ve somehow never heard of that before nor have I ever tried it with my friends so I was so lost when I first read the manga and Nagi goes orange and I’m like…maybe he’s just a goofy dude who wanted to say orange because it sounds funky so uh. The more you know!

Omg y/n adopting the younger boys with trauma…it’s even funnier to imagine since Rin likes looking out at the sea like imagine y/n is like I’m gonna take a walk by the water! and Karasu begrudgingly is like ok bro…and then bam it’s Rin, idk exactly how it’d go but I just think their affinity of the sea/water would be something they could (mildly) bond over!

IM CRYING THAT REDDIT MEME I remember first seeing that and laughing I felt kinda bad but I can’t with the energy!!

I’m so glad you enjoyed writing it too!! Hopefully it brought you as much joy as it did me HAHA I’m gonna eat up your Hiori works too trust….I’ll be in here giving live commentary too!!

LMFAOOOOOOOOOO IM CRYING THAT TEXT SCREENSHOT IS SO THEM!!! I can imagine Karasu trying to square up with fish through the glass like he sees one giving him the side eye and is like “you wanna go bro??”

But also the game interactions….are so funny…..I’m not sure if these are fully considered spoilers (just for game content) so I’ll shut up first but if you’re interested in knowing some of the dialogue I’ll slap down all of the ones I’ve seen floating around so far….finally got some tabieita content and Hiori interactions too….yuki soon I trust..

-Karasu anon

maybe i’ll make a post assigning pokémon teams to the characters even if i don’t write the au as an entire fic 🤔 i feel like pokémon has sm potential to be ANYTHING like angst fluff slice of life romance you really can include it all depending on how you take it and how you interpret the verse. karasu is basically an irl garchomp HAHA it fits too well

nah because justice for anri she should be at the club not doing ego’s dirty laundry /j…fr though i’m glad the author decided not to include more female characters just because based off of some of those anri panels they would NOT be done well and i would rather have no female rep than have it poorly done. i do like all of the mothers/chigiri’s sister!! the mothers especially actually look and feel like parents of teenage boys instead of teenagers themselves which definitely isn’t always the case

karasu has been up to smth for the entire match HAHA and he was even in hiori’s flashback so i think it’s safe to say he’s not going anywhere…i agree and i’m hoping they get rid of the u20 players (except aiku and sendou, p sure they’re staying) so more characters we care about get to stay in the manga!! i’m hoping giving how much emphasis there was on zantetsu in s1 and epinagi he sticks around but it kinda feels like everything he does, chigiri and otoya can do better, so who knows.

NO BECAUSE POOR BESTIE HAS KNOWN FOR SIX YEARS THAT KARASU LIKES Y/N 😭 she watched their banter turn into a relationship, and she sees how well karasu treats y/n once they’re together (he literally buys her flowers like every week 😖)…then she gets to the u-20 match and is HYPE because CEO’s son reo mikage?? standoffish prodigy nagi?? popular sweetheart isagi?? talented loner barou?? time for her to have her OWN kdrama moment. and then every single one of her dreams is destroyed because she’s shipped with otoya who is quite literally her biggest opp because he kept making out w a girl RIGHT in front of her face while she was trying to watch a movie.

i think the best thing about the crane scene is that otoya straight up says he only wins plushies to impress girls but he’s so obviously done w bestie and not at all trying to impress her and she’s also so unimpressed that it averts the cliche romance vibe completely. honestly they don’t give kdrama (bestie will forever be disappointed in that sense) but they have HUGE 2000s romcom vibes to me HAHA

LMAOO the website i read the manga on translated it as rhyming ping pong so i just went w that?? i made up the rules though but it made sense to me 🤷🏻‍♀️ karasu’s face in the panel when nagi says orange is so FUNNY bro was flabbergasted 😭 I LOVED Y/N ADOPTING CHIGIRI HAHAHA like they were giving very strong cousin vibes to me…honestly respect to karasu because half of the bllk guys want to bag his gf and the other half are like her children but he is somehow keeping it together regardless 😫

y/n saw rin crash out during the u-20 match and was like oh…this is Not Normal…and as soon as she saw rin on the beach she immediately got to work trying to figure out wtf happened 😭 nah because i’ve always wondered why NOBODY showed any concern for rin after the match like he was clearly going through smth?? but if it leads to a goal ig it’s all good 😓

HAHAHA omg karasu starts crying in the aquarium because he thinks the starfish looked at him weird and y/n is like babe…starfish don’t have eyes…he tries to go band for band w a penguin and gets kicked out of the exhibit 😭 truly a menace. the text conversation was SO them though i screenshotted immediately because i got such strong fwtkac vibes from it

YAYY i can’t wait for your commentary on those too!! i need to like decompress from the silliness of fwtkac so i can do the requests properly (was asked to include some angst 😈) because i need to not be in that crack fic headspace for them. but also idk if you’ve seen my otoya shitposting as of late but lowkey don’t be surprised if i drop a lil smth for him at some point 🤫 what can i say writing abt him and bestie converted me into the otoya cult officially 😰 no promises though because unfortunately i have so many ideas but so little time

feel free to drop your fav game lines!! i’ve seen some that are rlly funny HAHA doesn’t nagi call people the opps at some point?? or maybe rin i can’t recall rn 😫 i just know that the ones i’ve seen have been super silly but in a good way

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1996 I finished their cage and am satisfied with the results.

I’m glad Andy’s journal is done. Now all I have to do is copy the rest of it in 125. If there are any pages left over, I’ll use them for email or maybe Kim’s letters.

Just thought I’d write a little as ‘96 nears its end.

Tammy called to wish us a happy new year, but he was asleep. She says Mom and Dad are at an all-night bingo marathon. This sounds like fun and I do like bingo, but I’d rather be home watching the ball go down with no crowds.

Tom’s still sick, as usual, but I don’t know. As I said, at times he seems to go out of his way to prove me wrong and at other times prove me right, as far as stuff I say will or is happening.

So, the question is, is he pretending to be sick cuz I said he’d be sick again and so he can avoid sex? What a hard, long boring act to keep up, though. He doesn’t look or sound too bad, but he even said it wasn’t as bad as his last cold.

Is this gonna become a regular pattern, though? Is he gonna have a cold, get over it, make a duty, screw me, then get sick all over again?

I can handle the lack of sex cuz of how long we’ve been together, but it gets hard to deal with him being sick so much. He’s crabby, we don’t get much done around here and we don’t have as much time together for cards, chats, and stuff like that.

He should really see a doctor. It’s been quite a while since he’s had a check-up.

Our little welfare bums have been quiet, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? It’s to be in the mid-70s, so they may be barbecuing with their pals, screaming as loud as kids do.

All I heard from over there was (no music) a vehicle pull in, a door shut, the kid cried for about 10 seconds, then the recycle bin was wheeled up to their carport. Then about 10 minutes later, I heard them pull out but never heard any music or adult voices. I’m not sure if they’re there now, but it’s been quiet.

Once again, I’m gonna try to get in the habit of remembering to write my entry dates differently. I’d like the year to be included. It’ll make the typed versions much easier to deal with, so I don’t have to scroll up to the beginnings of large documents if I forget the year it covers. Or years.

He slept for about 4 hours, but he’s asleep again now out in the living room.

I think perhaps I’ll go listen to music or do something.

Later…

Well, it’s 1997 where my parents, Tammy and Larry are.

I got till 11:35 here till Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve comes on. I really wish it were the same time in the whole country, though. It’d be easier.

At the stroke of midnight here, we’ll see if I “see” anything. I remember the baby vibe being quite a negative dive as ‘95 came in and nothing much for ‘96.

I guess this will be the last time I write in 1996.

They’re definitely not home next door, cuz the house was dark when I went out to see if I could hear where the firecrackers I heard were coming from.

Watch. With my luck, they’ll use the New Year as an excuse to come blasting in at 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning, just as I’ll be crashing.

Well, until next year!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1996 Tom’s home now and what does he have? Another cold. God just insists there’s one thing after another going on with us, huh?

Well, the good of it is, is that I’m in the right time frame for getting pregnant and after Tammy and others’ words played through my head constantly, that’s a scary thought. That’s good, though. This is exactly what I hoped would happen.

The question is, though, will I always be able to dodge getting pregnant? I know God gives kids to those who don’t want/fear that, but he never did 10 or so years ago when I was foolish to fool around a few times unprotected. Therefore, I’d say I’m sure I have nothing to worry about. Besides, since I’ve been out here, God’s done a wonderful job looking out for me.

Mid-cycle is such a scary time, though! I always have to hope he’s too tired or make up an excuse myself.

At least he rarely cums and if I pray to God to continue keeping me from getting pregnant, I’m sure he’ll listen. I mean, he has protected me from that for years now, so I’m sure he’ll keep on doing so.

I used the popcorn thing again and this time I put oil in it and it was so much better.

Anyway, Tom’s New Year’s resolution is to clean his car out and keep it that way. He asked me if I thought he was in over his head. Yes, I told him. That’s biting off more than he can chew. And the same goes for how he says he’s gonna cum more often, too.

Mine is to accept and live with fate and not try to change, control, or alter my body/life/being.

Then he says, “Oh, then our dream (the kid) will take care of itself.”

Sorry, but that’s not my dream anymore, any more than the singing is, and I’m sterile cuz that is what’s fated and that is my body.

Then he said he didn’t know for sure, but felt there was a good chance that due to the way I’d get worked up over the kid is why there hasn’t been one yet.

Yeah, right. Then why wasn’t I pregnant at 21 when it was the least of my worries, desires, and workups?

That’d be one hell of a powerful person, to have her beliefs come true. Then, if I could just believe I could quit smoking, for example, I would.

Guess I’ll go on decorating their cage some more.

Later…

Wow. God really is looking out for me. I’m sorry Tom’s not feeling well, but I felt those mid-cycle cramps, along with a temperature of 98.8, which tells me I’m ovulating now. So, I shall surely see my January period with no problem.

Stupid me, though. I really should get on some form of birth control and end these monthly fears and worries, but I just don’t want the hassles and side effects. I’d rather trust God to take care of me and yes, I know he will.

It’s only a 24-hour period I have to worry about, so if we have sex tomorrow evening, it’ll be safe.

Anyway, their cage outline is done, so now all I have to do is color the leaves and flowers.

Later…

Just took a bath and in a little while, I’ll make some popcorn.

I was gonna say that the reason why I have not heard those freeloaders is cuz they haven’t been there, but someone had to be there last night. That’s cuz someone took their recycle bin out front.

Every Monday, they get the recyclable stuff from the front. On Thursdays, they do the back regular garbage. They normally do that on Mondays too, but I guess they’re gonna drop Monday’s regular trash pick-up.

Actually, there’s a light on over there now and I think he may’ve just pulled in. I said I “think,” cuz it was such a reasonable volume that I’m not sure.

Tom and I have our theories as to why the music’s been turned down over the last few months.

Maybe they got sick of the 5-6 times I asked them to turn it down and don’t care to see me again.

Or maybe someone else took my honor and really shook him the hell up to get him to tone it down.

Tom says he could’ve blown his speakers or had an ear infection or maybe the woman and kid ride with him more often and they don’t like it.

A 3-month ear infection? I don’t think that or the woman and the kid would stop him.

If he blew his speakers; he seems the type that’d get them fixed or replaced that day. Well, I hope it isn’t blown speakers that’s simply a case of him not having the dough to fix at this time.

I hope he was threatened, but I’m not worried, cuz if he starts up again, I’ll take care of it permanently.

Later…

I was gonna try calling Paula again but forgot. I’ll give it till after the New Year, then see if I can reach her.

Andy left a message earlier saying the “gerbil” cage sounds nice. He calls Piggy a gerbil deliberately as a joke. I told him he’d have to start calling Bunny a hamster.

He also said Tom would have to build him one too, to protect him from the world. He said he got so emotional at work last night that he even let a customer have it. It was over Quinn, but he says his boss let him get away with it cuz she likes him and he also says he’ll impersonate how he went off the next time he sees me.

He also says that after 3 years of loving the wrong person, he’s now even more determined to get over Quinn. He says Laura found him a new dealer. Well, I hope he uses this new dealer, if he has to smoke pot, so he won’t have any ties or need to be around Quinn.

Like I told Andy, it’s OK to have feelings for Quinn, he can’t help that, but he really should see the guy for the scum he is and move on and not settle if Mr. Right is not a part of his destiny.

What was that I just heard? Was that the little freeloader next door? Guess not. I think it’s sirens off in the distance, actually.

I hear sirens much closer now, but unfortunately they’re not close enough to be arresting next door, so I really don’t hear them for quite a while.

I wouldn’t be too surprised if I heard from them tomorrow night or Wednesday.

I’m looking forward to New Year’s Eve. It’s always been my favorite holiday and I love to watch the ball go down at Times Square. Since being out here, I can laugh at how cold all those poor, crazy souls will be. I don’t know, though, they’ve been having an easy winter with much less cold and snow.

I guess God’s compensating them with the really killer winter they had in ‘93 and ‘95.

Yes, I still have a good feeling about ‘97. I wonder what it’ll be. I also wonder if I’ll be wrong about what I think it’ll be. I don’t think so, cuz there just doesn’t seem room enough for my guess to be that off.

Well, I guess I’ll go and wash the dishes now and work on their cage design.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 29, 1996 Piggy and Bunny’s cage is all done and they love it. Bunny sure has lots more room to run around and now I don’t have to worry about her escaping or it stinking up so fast. It’s so huge and it looks awesome! The only negative to it is that they have more things to chew on, such as the chicken wire, the wood base, and the burrow. This can really bug me at times and it’s not especially good for the stuff to be chewed on too much.

I’m decorating some of the front strips of wood with flowers and vines. What I’ve got done so far looks nice. It really takes that plain wood and fancies it up.

I moved my worktable. The cage is on the wall between the kitchen doorway and the back door. This is where my table had been, but now it’s where their old cage was. Along the inner wall which runs by the kitchen, bathroom, and music room.

Another freeloaderless weekend, thankfully.

That trailer across the street has been here a few times since I mentioned them and their dog with that obnoxious screeching bark. I only heard it once for a few minutes, but if it becomes a regular occurrence, I will go over there to talk to them about it.

Anyway, it’s pretty cool to see Bunny run up and down the length of the cage. At one point, she nearly trampled Piggy. Poor pig.

Tom picked up the microwave popcorn popper. It’s a lot easier to clean than the older ones and it’s cheaper than microwave popcorn in bags, but it’s pretty bland. I’ll have to use oil or something.

I think that’s it for now, so I’ll go finish my John Saul book.

Oh, I finished Andy’s journal.

I also haven’t heard from Paula, so who knows if she got my message, where she is, or what she’s up to. I never get an answer when I try calling. Hopefully, she’s not in any more trouble.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28, 1996 Right now Tom’s building the frame of the cage. It may not be completely done today as I had expected. I told Tom that having it done today seemed too good to be true. We’ll see what the hell’s going on as we get further into this hefty project. If a guinea pig and a rabbit are this much work, time, and money, think of what a kid would’ve been like. No thanks.

Got a letter from Bob yesterday with the same old shit.

Last night we took some of my money that was from the holidays and my birthday and we went and picked up a few things. I’ll be getting more stuff in a few weeks. Meanwhile, I got 4 pairs of underwear, that cactus mug I said I wanted with all kinds of cactus drawings on it, and a harness and leash for Bunny.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1996 I’ve got a few minutes to write, but my pizza will be ready anytime now. After I eat and straighten my hair, I’ll write more.

I haven’t heard from Paula, so I guess she’s busy. I was gonna wait till I heard from her, but maybe I’ll give her a call to see if she got my letter.

Later…

Just ate and called Paula. I got her machine, so I left a message saying hi, Merry Christmas, and I hoped she got my letter OK. I told her I’d be up and here all day and night, so she could call if she wanted to.

Last night I was writing when Tom said he was gonna go make a duty, then he hoped I’d be taking a break soon.

At first I said to myself, oh no. I’m not going back to him doing a duty, then us having sex and opening the door again for possible trouble.

You know, problems with sex, another spotting incident, or some other kind of tease from God where I’m a few days late for my rag, get to thinking, well maybe… then in comes my rag. Also, I still didn’t like the fact that I had to be put on hold and have Christmas be our one and only priority. Nor did I like the waves of sex.

Then I told myself, hey, we both need a break. Take all the breaks you can get before she shit hits the fan again. He’ll be sick or having some kind of problem or project going on that’ll put sex on hold, so just enjoy each chance you get and take it when it comes.

So like an asshole, as I was in bed waiting for him, I said to God to please let me be ovulating and let him cum and let us have a child (all things are supposed to be possible with him, right?). So, just like always, I was ignored by God and got absolutely no help from him whatsoever. He didn’t cum. I could tell he wasn’t going to from the get-go, as he wasn’t too hard for the most part. Well, it was still fun for me.

I’ll be mid-cycle this Sunday, but as I’ve learned, there is no right time for me, so it doesn’t matter when we have sex. All I can do is hope he’s available to take care of me when I’m most horny.

I found myself thinking about March again last night. They say God helps those who help themselves, but first of all, I already feel we’ve both done whatever we can to help ourselves. Second of all, should we need medical help, I’m still certain God won’t help us help ourselves that way. He’ll either block us completely (the doctor will say there’s nothing they can do for us) or if there’s a chance in hell that God gives in, we’re in for major trouble. Oh, what he’d do to us and that kid if he ever changed his mind! He’ll compensate the hell out of all of us in some terrible way.

This is why I’m still not sure I’ll be able to seek any medical help. In a sense, he’d be more willing than I’d be. I know the consequences of fucking with fate. Or trying to.

What I’d like to be able to do more than anything, and even more than God giving us a kid, would be to just learn to settle, accept fate, not try to change or mess with it in any way, and just accept the fact that we’ll be childless and be OK with it. God made me the way I am for a reason, be it fair or not, therefore, if I mess with the way I’ve been made, I’m asking for trouble. If God let a doctor impregnate me, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he took it away. If they could impregnate me, God would just make sure I lose it. If he’s never given me my choice of occupation or personal lifestyle yet, why should he start now?

The easiest thing to do would be to accept God hates me, isn’t gonna let me have what I really want, and just move on. Then I could at least still have my life. We’d have our lives, we’d have more time, we’d have more money, I could sleep, etc. Marla said we make our choices in life, and since everything has its ups and downs, I choose to look at my built-in birth control system as a blessing and not as a curse and just live with it and accept it and look at its good sides. It’d be a hell of a lot easier than trying to fight God in a losing battle. He won’t give in. He won’t change his mind.

When I look back to Tom’s cumming on my birthday, I’m trying to see what I did leading up to my birthday to get that wish granted, I can’t see anything I did differently that got that wish granted and not the baby wish granted. If I could’ve seen anything I may’ve done differently, I’d apply that to the baby wish, but I just can’t see what, how or why I got that wish of him cumming granted. The only thing I can think of is that it was a tease from God. And a punishment, too. Every time I heighten my begging God for a kid, he seems to tease me more and get my hopes up a few percent, so I can come crashing down even harder than when I have no hope. It’s as if he’s trying to prove a point to me and send a message saying, “You get on my case about this shit you can’t have and try fighting me, you get punished by my teasing you in some way so you can be even angrier and depressed than you usually are.”

Anyway, I still have a wonderful feeling about ‘97 and I think I’ve had that since ‘94. I had that wonderful feeling about ‘94 since around ‘88 but was wrong about the events that ‘94 would entail. If I had to guess what the good vibe about ‘97 is, it’s that this is the year I’ll really come to accept and live with my sterility and get on with life. I don’t know how I’ll be getting on with life and what I’ll be doing, but this is it, so to speak. Then God can send me a new problem to have to deal with for 2-10 years. Then I’ll have another losing battle to fight, and then have to learn to live with and accept.

Well, in just 5 days, we’ll have 365 days to find out what ‘97 holds for us that’s so wonderful, but if it isn’t the end of this baby phase and my learning to live with it and accept it can never be, with or without a doctor, then I’d say it’s got to do with some wonderful new job for Tom. Or maybe someone like Anne & Harry will visit. Or maybe I’ll have my old body back and be thin and fit again. A new home? No way. Too soon. I don’t see how we could move for another 2-5 years. My guess is that we’ll move just before or just after the turn of the century.

Well, I’m gonna do, say, write, and try everything I can possibly do to “brainwash” myself into believing sterility’s good, I’m OK with it, etc. It’s the easiest, best, and only thing I could do. I’m sick of having it torture my mind, body, soul, and life and I choose to help myself get over it.

Got a newsletter from Gloria. I guess there’s gonna be some remixes coming out of new and older stuff she’s done. Also, a new album.

I’ve got the bulk of Linda’s stuff on CD now but would like to get at least one more that I can think of on CD.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 26, 1996 Maybe Tom’s right about this being the first phase of getting into some kind of schedule. Yesterday, I got up at 9 AM and was tired pretty much throughout the whole day. I’m usually up 16-18 hours before falling asleep, but I fell asleep last night after being up for about 14 hours and got up earlier today. At 8:15.

Except for being tired and hating to be around groups of people, whether they’re assholes or sweethearts, I had a nice time yesterday at Mary and Dave’s and I feel so much at home and comfortable around everyone. We laughed, joked, chatted, ate and just had a fun time.

We made out very well yesterday, better than I thought we would.

I can’t remember who got us each gift and which things are for us, him or me, but some of it’s obvious.

It’s obvious that the microwave hotdog skewer and the toolbox were for Tom. He also got some T-shirts.

Ma gave her traditional $50 bills and we each got $10 certificates for Walmart.

Some of the things we got, were this Nintendo-type game called Lights Out. It’s got really pretty pink and purple lights and you have to figure out which buttons to hit to get all the lights out. We also got a really pretty cactus picture and blue and yellow checkered placemats and napkins. A strawberry candle and a picture of Mom and Dad. I’m so glad we got this picture, cuz we don’t really have any older pictures of just them. I’d say this one couldn’t be more than a couple of years old. It’s in a gold frame and it’s about 5x7.

Ma said she ran out of wrapping paper, but at her house, she’s got a microwave popcorn popper waiting for us. That ought to be different and interesting to try out.

Stuff I got: slipper socks, body wash, a small round puzzle of a butterfly, and a magnet with my name in pretty colors.

Mary and Dave got me a Gloria video. I didn’t even know they knew I liked her, but Tom obviously slipped the word to them. It’s the Evolution tour I saw on HBO. This is the one where she didn’t look too good or sing too good, but it’s still really cool to have.

Ma got me a journal, so that makes a total of 10 for my birthday, Chanukah, and Christmas. 1 from Mom, 2 from Tom, 3 from Andy, and 4 from my parents.

Oh, before I forget yet again, my folks sent Tom another package containing cakes, fruits, and nuts.

We didn’t end up getting Mom puzzle books. She got a calendar. However, the good thing about it is that she told me she finished the ones I’d last given her. Good, cuz I’ve got tons of them for her in a manila envelope that’ll go to her the next time we’re over there.

Tom got candy and cards from work, so we ended up getting a total of 12 Christmas cards this year. That’s more cards than Chanukah and birthday cards I’ve gotten in the last 5 years.

I guess pigeons can swim to a degree. The other day, there was one that jumped off the wall that divides the pool and spa and he flapped around in the water for a few seconds, then hopped back up on the wall. I’d like to find them something easier to bathe in. Something shallow, yet wide enough to give them room.

I talked to Tammy and told her what we got and I called Mom like I do at times, and thanked her again for the journal. Hers will be next.

The freeloaders have still been nice and quiet. Guess they weren’t around yesterday.

Got a message from Marla, wishing us a Merry Christmas. Her husband’s not Jewish, too, so they had a Christmas party somewhere yesterday themselves. She says she’s going to Springfield for a week Friday morning. Oh, God! At this time of year? She’s gonna freeze her ass off.

We had these fluorescent labels in yellow, green, and pink and I relabeled my CDs yesterday. I decided that the journal sheets I cut to fit the covers, looked really tacky, so I took them out and put labels on them. I like that better than any kind of inner jacket, cuz they always slip out and are a pain. I cut out some old Linda pictures from some jackets and put them in my next journal.

It says ‘Fantasies’ on it. How appropriate for a person like me. All I ever do, anyway, is live on dreams and fantasies, but hey, that’s life and what they’re for.

Yes, I still want a kid and would take it if it came, but I still have my times where I have mixed emotions about that and getting tested or helped in any way. I still fear what a kid would do to our lives and our marriage. There’s no way we could do as many things or be as spontaneous or have each other’s time and attention so easily. I couldn’t write like I do or listen to music whenever I wanted to. Sometimes I don’t know if I really want our lives to be completely changed and so different and I don’t know if I want us to have to give up our freedom and our lives. On the other hand, I still suppose it’d be a worthy sacrifice and I still feel a lot of the time like I don’t have a life and like I’ve got too much free time. Well, this is up to God. Always has been, and always will be.

Also, I don’t know if I’m still brave enough to let them do in vitro or whatever would need to be done to fix us (if possible). I still think that unless something’s necessary, you shouldn’t go against God and fight him and alter the way you naturally are. If I’m as sterile as I believe I am, then that’s how God made me and wanted me to be and there’s a reason for it, or else my plumbing would be fine and I’d have been pregnant by now. I don’t see how it just “hasn’t been the right time” yet.

Tom still disagrees, of course, says we’re fine and that I’ll be pregnant by March. In March, though, and realistically speaking, I know I won’t be pregnant, therefore I’ll just get a pap done and decide then whether or not to bring it up to the doctor Tom’s never been right about us having a kid and after all this time, I don’t see how he ever could be. He may be right about most other things (certainly not the timing), but this is something that’ll go on and on forever and I’m sure he’ll always say we’re fine unless I get brave enough to mention it to a doctor and they say something’s wrong. Tom says I’ll be pregnant by March, but then of course, when March comes, he’ll say I’ll be pregnant by June, then by September, then by December. Every few months. Still, I’m glad he says he’ll do whatever we need to do. That really makes me very pleased and very happy to know that he’s willing to get us help, even if he believes we won’t need it and I believe I’ll chicken out of that. I’m not saying it was wrong of Linda and her husband to get the help they needed to have the kids that they wanted, it’s just that for me, I’d be afraid of what God would do to the kid or us for going against him and changing the way he made my body. All this and the other things I fear about it - the physical toll it’d take on us both, but naturally, mainly me.

Evie said she didn’t plan or expect Nickolena or the one she’s carrying now. Yeah, it fucking figures and I believe it. In other words, they were accidents. A good 90% of our lives are just not what we plan, expect, or want it to be. My horoscope had said not to live a life of settlement or else I’d be bored to tears. Gee, like some of us have a choice?!

I’ve also changed my mind about posting some of my drawings on AOL, as we discussed doing so. If God wouldn’t let me be a singer when I wanted to, or have a child, why should he let me be an artist? This can’t be something he’s been trying to “guide” me into. He hasn’t been trying to guide me into anything and if he won’t help me, why should I?

Besides the longer we go without something (like a child), the harder it is to adapt to the idea of it or having it. Hell, we haven’t had sex since the 5th and it’s not gonna be that easy for me to just fall back into that. I also still have a problem with that, cuz I don’t like the idea of knowing that maybe we’ll have sex for a while, maybe we won’t. I want to either have sex or not have sex. Not do it for a week or two, then not do it for a week or two, and back and forth like that. Tom’s just got too many excuses and lately, he’s become quite the hypochondriac himself. Little did I ever think that my husband, of all people, would turn out this way. I can see people like Tammy being this way, but Tom? He’s always got something going on and some of them, like Christmas, are obviously more important than our time together to screw or whatever. I’ll give him credit for this: he said he wanted to take a break, so we played cards. Still, he could’ve easily made enough time for sex during the last week or two once he started feeling better. We could’ve had some quickies. He could’ve offered to go down on me which takes only about 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes of his time was such a big deal. Once again, I still think he’s trying to instill patience in me and uses stuff like Christmas as an excuse to bail out of sex for a while, cuz I still think he’s not totally ready for a kid. He’s never gonna be able to cum more often with the way he starts and stops sex and has so many problems and excuses.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1996 Last night, either a dream or something woke me up at 9:00, just two hours after crashing. I thought I heard/dreamt one big bang of some sort. So, I got up to pee, went out, and asked Tom if he heard anything and he said no. I asked if next door’s been back and he said that he thinks she’s been there, cuz he sees lights on here and there and that the old black guy (not white guy, like I had thought and I think they don’t like whites), picks her up in the mornings and brings her back at night. Yeah, but they come and go quietly. He had said he was pretty sure there was no vehicle there and that if there was music loud enough to wake me up, he’s sure he’d have heard it and he insisted there was no music. He said maybe it was a car door, real soft, but loud enough to filter into a dream of mine.

Well, I just checked this morning and that jeep is there. I think it was him, and Tom covered for him so he wouldn’t have to deal with my reaction. Tom knows that if I catch them waking me up for sure, I’ll go over there and set that dude straight for once and for all. We’ve already established that 9 PM is one of the times he’s come in and Tom always swore he’d tell me if they woke me up and that he has told me when they’ve been loud.

Well, if it was him, he must’ve just got back last night, cuz I haven’t heard any music for several days. He couldn’t have been around since at least last Thursday, cuz I haven’t heard any music. Not even soft music.

I just wish I knew how truthful Tom’s been about next door, cuz I know he’s on their side, no matter what he says, and I know he’ll do whatever it takes to keep me from going over there and letting them have it. And also, the more I think about it, there have been too many “bang dreams.” I’ve had at least 5 of those since they’ve been here, that I can remember of. There was one, though, I did have and after checking, there was no vehicle there.

Well, if they are up to their old shit, they’re gonna get it, cuz no one fucks with my sleep. Also, why would they quiet down for a few months, then go back to the same old shit? Well, I’m gonna be up this morning and tonight around that same time, and if I hear them, not only am I gonna think Tom lied about last night, but I’ll be visiting them. If they want to play music coming and going, fine. They can do that all they want, but it better not be so loud that it can be heard/felt over that fan and wake me up.

I did manage to get back to sleep, though, and thank God, too, cuz that would’ve really fucked things up around here. I wouldn’t have been able to help much with the Christmas presents, much less go over there tomorrow.

I woke up at 103 pounds. Fuck!

Tom said, “I’ll bet you haven’t seen this number in quite a while,” then he stepped on the scale and it said 200. He said that that was OK, though, cuz it’s the holidays, so it’s to be expected.

I told Tom this morning that I was still bummed that I couldn’t get him anything for Christmas and he didn’t tell me what he wanted. He said that that was not my fault that he couldn’t think of anything and he didn’t get me any material things for Chanukah. True, but I’ll make him up something. I may take a full-size sheet of paper, draw something nice on it, and on it write “Merry Christmas.”

Tom also has a point about why we couldn’t get the presents for our families earlier - we didn’t have the money then.

Yesterday, I got an old Linda CD from the club and another copy of that Madonna one, but that was our fault. We ordered it on the computer too soon after mailing the wrong one back that they sent with a note telling them what I really wanted. So, it’s more than likely going to Andy for his birthday. If not, we’ll sell it at Zia’s.

Tom says yes, he’ll be doing the same job, processing canceled checks. He’s not sure when he’ll be starting or exactly what his hours will be, but it’ll be happening soon. He thinks he’ll have Fridays and Saturdays off and that he’ll be working Sundays from 8 PM-4 AM, then Monday - Thursday from midnight-8 AM. He’ll be getting $9.24 an hour, but it’ll soon go up to $9.68 an hour.

Another reason why I could’ve been wrong about my vibe saying he wouldn’t get the job is cuz I didn’t believe, logically speaking, due to how much he wanted it, that he’d get it. I noticed that a lot of the time I’m wrong on the things I don’t believe will happen, so they creep up on me without warning.

If I believed I could get pregnant, I’d think that now would be the time for God to see to it, due to this schedule that’ll make making appointments easier to get to and the extra money, which always helps with a kid/kids. You can never get enough money when you’ve got a kid. There’s another reason, too, but we don’t know if this is necessarily the case yet.

For about a week, the longest time in quite a while, my schedule was the same. I was getting up at around 1:30 AM. Tom says he thinks it’s time now, where little by little, my body will naturally adapt to a schedule. But getting up at that hour? I asked. He said that once I get into a schedule, I could pick and control the scheduling of when I go to bed and get up. Well, I don’t see it or believe it, but I hope he’s right.

I called Tammy yesterday and told her, sorry I hadn’t been in touch much, but we’ve been busy. I updated her on finding Paula, Tom’s new schedule, and told her about the calendar we’re making for his immediate family. Then, right away, it was all about the sickness/problems going on in that household. Now, once again, I know most of the problems she says that are going on are true and I believe she and her family is cursed, but yet she bitches to me about the same old shit? Oh, please! It’s nothing but the same old shit over and over again with her. I’m sure, though, that that’s perfectly fine with Mom and Dad. That’s their favorite daughter, remember?

Later…

Just heard next door leave without one note of music, so that’s cool.

I finished the nighttime cactus scene in the living room. I drew up a floral vine for Tom that said: Merry Christmas, I Love You. The flowers/leaves shape the letters.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1996 Before getting into Paula, I’ll update stuff around here.

It was a very peaceful weekend and next door’s been gone. Tom says they’ll probably be gone through Christmas. Good. New Year’s Eve, though, oh God! They are gonna freak. Still, that’s acceptable and understandable, even if I still wish we lived somewhere where you had no idea if your neighbors are freaking out or not.

For Tom’s immediate family, I may or may not have mentioned that he’s doing a family calendar. He videotaped his ma’s photo albums, then ran them through the computer. He had made up a calendar program where he inserted people’s pictures into the calendar on their birthdays. So, on June 28th, for example, there’ll be a picture of Tom. In text, he’s also writing in people’s anniversaries and major holidays. He’s been doing the bulk of it since I’m not the expert he is, but I’ve helped with font suggestions and spelling.

Tom also got toys, plants and stuff like that for Nickolena, Jackie, Pam, Ryan and Jennifer. Ma will still get a variety of puzzle books.

Marla and I still exchange messages and they’re gonna need Tom’s help with their computer but they said no hurry and after the holidays is fine.

I’m surprised Marla hasn’t suggested adoption. Black babies, as Andy had said. Yes, black women have babies like rabbits! Also and once again, I know there are good, hard-working blacks and Hispanics, but so many bring these 3 words to mind: poor, crime and drugs. Although, I think it’s the Hispanics that have first prize for drugs (also not working and having way more kids than blacks and anyone else. They’re up there with the Mormons, as far as big families go). The blacks get the top prize for crime.

Not much else is going on that I can think of or remember. Just that it’s a good thing I’m not too horny now, cuz Tom’s not taking his own advice too well right now at all, where he says we can do/work on things, but to live life in the meantime. Since the 5th, it’s been all about doing for Christmas. Nothing for us in the midst of what we can do for Christmas. Since when does Christmas have to mean no sex, no playing card games, no long chats? I told him that next year, we should really start buying/making stuff for the holidays earlier, instead of waiting till the last few days.

I had two chats with Paula yesterday morning, and the morning before, and I sent her a 4-page letter.

Yes, her life’s still shitty and hard and she’s still the same old ditzy Paula, but it’s still been so great to have finally found her and chatted with her. She says she tried getting a hold of me twice, the day I discovered her number, but the doofus she’s with gave her the wrong number.

She’s living in a family house that’s $600. I didn’t know she didn’t have section 8. Still, she gets about $600 a month and she gets $535 for Justin, who’s 5.

Her boyfriend, Francisco, doesn’t live there. I guess he’s one of her boyfriends. I guess you could say Paula’s a “picky slut,” but she says she may marry someday.

Not surprisingly, her son Robert who’s 8, has been in foster care for about 4 years. What I don’t understand is why she says she regrets having kids, they drive her crazy, they’ve got all these problems she can’t deal with, yet she wants to fight to get Robert back. She says she almost lost Justin and I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. I can’t see her ever getting Robert back, or Justin if she lost him too, but who knows. The courts are so favorable to natural parents. I personally think that having her kids live elsewhere would be best for both her and the kids. She’s just that kind of mom that I get on God’s case about, even though Paula is a dear friend of mine. She just can’t handle it and she’s a lousy mom. Always yelling and threatening. She’s so irresponsible and undependable, too. God loves giving kids to her kind. I still tell her to go for it, follow her heart and fight for him, if that’s what she truly wants.

Her mom died of cancer a year ago, her father lives in Florida and she says she found her real mother in CT. Her real mother’s in a mental home and I guess, has been for years. She says she’s got a lot of real sisters (I don’t know about brothers). She was adopted and she has a twin brother named Paul and I think another adopted sister named Brandy. I guess her real dad is nowhere to be found. Viola C is her real name.

As I figured, she’s been trying to find me too, but had no idea of where to even begin. Trust me, she wouldn’t have the mentality to do so. Anyway, she’s pretty hyper, like me, and we were both psyched to talk to each other, but we were jumping around from subject to subject, getting sidetracked and forgetting things we had to say/ask. There’s lots of catching up to do. I think, though, that between our two chats and my letter, most of the things that have been going on with us have been covered.

She says she did some porn movies, but from what she says, she doesn’t have any of them. I guess the guy who was shooting the movies was mixed up in the mob and was killed. She says the wife’s got them and she doesn’t know how to get a hold of her. Whatever. She says she was only intimate with men and that she was asked to be with the women, but she said no cuz they were all fat. Since when would they use fat women for porn movies? Anyway, I don’t know if or how much money she made off of this. Guess it was just something for her to do.

And she also was in jail for a month. She said she was in jail for fighting. I told her I had thought the Paula that went off on people for no reason was long gone. She says it is, but that some girl kicked her pregnant friend in the stomach and made her lose the baby, so that’s why she went after her. Oh, that explains it. I would beat the snot out of anyone who did that to a friend of mine, too. Anyway, she’s on probation and has to do community service. From what she tells me, the girl isn’t the only one she went after. She said she threw a cop down and that 3 cops ended up having to restrain her. Yeah, I can see this. Oh Paula, please! Are you ever gonna grow up, get mature, and grow a brain?

She says there were several 300-pound mamas that tried raping her in jail. She says she’s got both male and female gay friends, but that the woman’s a butch, so she doesn’t dare bother with her. I’m surprised she hasn’t experimented with women yet, but she said that if there were a fem around, it’d depend. Those fems are still hard to find. I wonder, though, why she never hit on me back in Springfield? Maybe she doesn’t think I’m as pretty as I thought she did or as I thought she was. Maybe it was cuz of Brenda. Who knows? Well, I suppose I wouldn’t have stopped her if she had, but I never could’ve had a relationship with her. She’s too flaked out.

Here’s a classic example of how ditzy she is. I said I wanted to get it straight, for once and for all, where the hell she’s from cuz I’ve heard different things. I thought she was from MA, but she’s from Enfield, CT. She thought I was from CT, but then right after I told her I was from MA, she went on to ask me if I remembered certain teachers back in Enfield High. Dah!

Anyway, Paula is 29. She thought I was 28, not 31. She said she knew there was about a couple of years difference there, but forgot which direction that went.

Paula always had nice white teeth, like Tom. And also, nice dark eyes and nice long brown hair, that’s straighter than mine. I asked her if she still had that pretty long hair and she said, no, she was with her boyfriend in Puerto Rico for 4 months, her hair turned red there, burned off, so she cut it and it’s now to her shoulders.

Whatever. I guess she had chemicals in her hair at the time from perming it.

She says she fucked around with diet pills a while back and is now 110. Wow, I remember her to be slightly chunky (mostly muscle) I thought she’d be in the 120s - 130s like before.

She got her phone a few months ago and she almost got it unlisted. Thank God she didn’t cuz I’d have been really bummed to have finally found she had a phone, just to not be able to get the number.

She also says she moves around a lot for the same reasons I used to. Problems with landlords/neighbors. This place she’s in now is pretty condemned and she says she has no heat/hot water. Oh, I remember that one all too well. Anyway, she says she’s looking to move somewhere nearby and that if my letter gets returned to me to mail it to a friend at a Liberty Street address she gave me in Springfield.

She asked for pictures and I said I’d get some off to her (and Mom and Dad B) as soon as I can. She wants pictures of Arizona, too. I told her, too, to please send pictures of her and her boys. I said I’d not only like current pictures of her, but ones of her with her long hair. I’d also love a letter, too, I told her. Our chats stick in my memory after we hang up the phone, but they are gone. A letter would be a special thing from her to me that’s tangible that I could hang onto.

She also asked about Tom and I told her how wonderful he is. I also told her we live in a house with a private yard/pool/spa.

In my letter to her, I told her about my ear surgery and the trouble I got into in Deerfield, as well as the hell I went through in CT. She knows about the dancing, too.

Well, I think those are the highlights of our chat. If I remember anything else, I’ll include it.

Oh, I not only thanked her for looking out for me, keeping me company, and letting me bitch to her about my life but I asked her why was she so nice to me? Why didn’t she think of bullying me around or screwing me over? She said probably cuz I was the only one who’d take her shit. Meaning, listen to her bitch about life, too. Yeah, I’ve been told I’m very easy to talk to. She’s a lot like me in the way that you can tell/ask her anything and she’s very open-minded and accepting. She’s also pretty understanding too, what with all she’s gone through.

Later…

Just remembered something else she told me that was sweet, yet funny. She says she’s gonna save up money to come see me out here in the summer and that Justin’s dad, already said he’d babysit while she’s gone. Anyway, I let her know that Tom told me he’s sure that somehow, we’ll see each other again someday (and Mom and Dad B), whether it’s out here or there.

Another funny thing is that Francisco the boyfriend said he’s known Paula for 4 years. But then Paula said he was Justin’s dad. Yeah, well, Justin’s 5 and a half, according to Paula. Like I said, this guy’s perfect for her!

Also, Tom not only still thinks we’re fine and that I’ll be pregnant by March, but he explained more about that chart Marla told me about. First of all, I know Tom will be wrong about March, even if I knew I was OK. He’s never been right about the timing of anything. He may end up being right about most things, but not the timing of them.

As far as the chart goes, he says it’s something you do for a while to see when you ovulate and if there are any inconsistencies or not. You don’t just do it, hope your lover’s available when the time looks right, then fuck.

There’s also gonna be something coming up that’ll show if my strong vibes are still as accurate as they always have been. Tom’s got a possible position opening up for him on third shift. He wants it so it’ll leave us more time to do stuff in/out of the house during the day. I hope he gets it if it’s what he wants and if it’ll improve our lives, but I don’t see it. I have a strong vibe he won’t get it, cuz he really wants it. God doesn’t work that way. God would be much more likely to give the job to someone who doesn’t give a shit either way. For his sake, I hope I’m wrong, though, and then that might show that my 80% - 90% accuracy rate with strong vibes would be dwindling. Most of the time, I think that’d be nice if it did dwindle.

Later…

Yay! He did get the job. He’s not sure when he’ll start or what his hours will be, but we’re psyched for 3 reasons. 1. More money. 2. More time in the days to do stuff. 3. I was just wrong with a very strong vibe! Finally. If only I could be wrong with the kid, but I still just don’t sense, see or believe it. I haven’t been wrong yet. And remember, just cuz I was wrong a few times; I was still right on many, many things I felt strongly about, like it or not.

Tom would’ve loved the answer I gave Paula when she asked if we had any kids. I normally would’ve said, “No. And we’ll never be able to have any,” but instead I told her, “I don’t think I’ll be able to, but we’re working on it.”

Speaking of Tom and his timing, he says we’ll have Piggy’s and Bunny’s new cage built on Saturday. Right! This I’ve got to see, but I hope he’s right.

My losing weight looked promising and I even woke up at 100 pounds 2 days in a row. However, I’m right back up to 104. My metabolism started to speed up but slowed back down again. For a while, I was starting to be able to eat and stay the same weight. Today, though, I weighed 102, then ate a baked potato and was at 104. The only way I’m gonna lose the weight and speed up my metabolism is to only have just liquids for 2-3 days; no food. For now, though, I’m just gonna have to let it ride. Most of the times I’ve lost weight, it’s been without even trying, anyway. Maybe if I just forget about it for a while, it’ll come off on its own. Meanwhile, the pressure I put on myself when I go to try to lose weight, usually never seems to work. I’ve lost weight more often by not trying than by trying.

Andy’s on the phone with me now, going on and on about problems with Quinn. I thought he was starting to get over him and I thought he was spending more time in the bars trying to meet other people.

Now he’s reading me a letter from his gay friend Sandy from Hyannis, MA. She sent him a 10-minute phone card. How nice.

About the wackiest, ditsiest thing Paula asked me was this: Her boyfriend is Puerto Rican and she asked if Tom was white. I said yes, then she goes, “Is he Irish like you?”

I said neither of us was Irish, then she goes, “Oh, you’re Korean, right?”

“No,” I said, “I’m Jewish.”

I told Tom and Andy this and I burst out laughing when she said this. And the cool thing about it is that you can laugh at Paula all you want and she won’t take it personally, cuz she’s too dense to get it.

This new job schedule of Tom’s will prove how serious he is about “living life,” as he seems so obsessed with saying, and if he’s that serious about us having more sex. He’s proven to me that he can cum and that he does want a kid (he still has to show me he can cum more often), but he still seems to have this thing with stopping and starting sex. I mean, we get on a roll with it, then something comes up where he just can’t seem to make the time for sex.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1996 I have some really exciting news. First of all, I called my other mom and dad to say hi (Anne B). I tried the house in W. Springfield first and got no answer, so I called LaRagione’s and got her there. She has quite a cold but told me she got half a letter started to me and mentioned something about sending pictures which would be wonderful. I’d love to have pictures. Then Tom can see what they look like. Some of her relatives who help out there and work there, too, remember me, cuz she said Pauline wanted to know if I still played the guitar. I believe Pauline is Ma’s cousin.

She asked if I was coming in ever and I told her I had no plans to, but if I ever did, could I call about us getting together? She said she’d expect me to. Cool. And Tom said, of course, we can meet with them. She says their friends in Tucson are on their case about coming out to visit them, so I told her I hope they succeed, so we can see them too.

Now, here’s my awesome news! Well, I got to wondering about how Jessie’s doing these days and Steve and Jai and I still wonder who the hell Robin really was at times. Remember Shelly? I know I mentioned her before. She was at Dotty H’s with me in Springfield when we were both 16. She really looked out for me and protected me from Dotty and Valerie. I never could find her to thank her for this, but I still wonder whatever came of her.

I check once or twice a year and there’s never a listing for Paula, but when I last checked, I was like, holy shit! There was a listing in W. Springfield! So, I called the number, and her youngest of two sons, Justin, answered (I guess Robert would now be around 7 and Paula’s probably around 29).

Then a guy took over the phone who sounded Puerto Rican, but also ditzy and perfect for Paula. She wasn’t home, he said, and he also said he’s known her for 4 years. I don’t know if he lives there, but I think he does. I don’t know if he’s the father of Justin, or what, or how serious they are. Paula doesn’t usually get serious and she doesn’t play around either. At the same time, though, I’m sure she’d love a guy around to use for help with the kids, money, and sex, and who knows if she’s ever experimented with women. According to the guy, she was out getting toys for the kids and isn’t working still.

I told the guy to tell her she can call collect if she wants and he said she usually calls in when she’s out and that he’ll pass the message along. So, so far, we’ve been playing phone tag and haven’t managed to talk yet. When I called there to check and see if she was in yet, he said she had called him and she then turned right around to try to call me. Cool! She didn’t even wait till she got back home. The thing about it was that I was listening to music when she tried to call and you can’t leave messages on machines when you make a collect call. I’m sure she tried calling from a payphone. I told the guy to tell her that I’m married, so if she called directly, got the machine, which has Tom’s voice on it, to know she didn’t dial wrong (they now have voicemail there, too).

So, the last time I talked to the guy, I was exhausted. I thanked him for being so patient with me and being such a good messenger, but that I’d have to try again tomorrow (today). If Tom got any calls from her last night, I don’t know. I’ll have to wait till he gets up to find that out.

I’m still so psyched that I finally found her. I never did get to say goodbye and she was such a nice person. She really looked out for me, kept me company and she never hurt me in any way. She never asked to constantly borrow things, either, like I initially thought she would. All she wanted, like I did, was someone to talk to.

Well, since she has a phone, I guess she’s doing better these days and I hope she is and that her relationship is a happy one. It’s been 6 years. We’ve got lots of catching up to do and we’ll see if she’s the same old flaky, spacey Paula or if she’s grown or changed in any way.

I’m sure Paula was shocked to hear that I was trying to get a hold of her. I’m sure that “Jodi” and “the Harley Hotel” and “Locust Street” rings a bell in her head, but “Arizona” and “husband” are gonna shock her. She may think, is this a joke?

Got a message from Marla too, but first, two nights in a row I got instant messages from two different people. One said, “Hi,” and the other said, “Good Evening.” I never bothered to respond, though, cuz that just isn’t my thing anymore and I just figured that they were just your late-night perverts.

Marla didn’t have much more to say. Just that she agrees with us that last August was probably a miscarriage (I don’t think that any egg of mine that could get fertilized will ever hook to the womb and stay that way. I think my body will always reject any fertilized egg).

She also said she didn’t mean to scare me with the story of the baby kicking through its mom’s womb and that she isn’t trying to be a know-it-all. I told her I knew this but hey, she is smart in many ways.

She says that spotting during pregnancy is usually a one-time thing and that it usually occurs for a day or two.

Then she mentioned a Mary L, and a Rosalie and Lenny who were somehow associated with our parents and Charlotte and Jim.

Andy just called and I asked him who the hell Mary L is and he says that’s his friend Mary back in MA. Oh. I’d always only known her as just Mary. I didn’t know her last name.

Also, Andy says that Rosalie and Lenny were a couple that was friends with our parents, Char and Jim, and others till Ma decided to ban them from their little clique and everyone, still unable to break free of Ma’s power and influence, went along with it.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20, 1996 This morning was both nice yet a little tense with Tom. Still, I miss spending time with him so much and I miss sex. Well, I do and I don’t. I just wish he’d get to feeling better and stay that way! It seemed like there’d have been plenty of time for sex this morning, but he said that he wasn’t sure how his tooth would end up feeling (now that his cold is over, his tooth is bugging him again, but we’ll get it taken care of if we need to) and by the time he realized his tooth was fine, we didn’t have enough time for fun. Yes, we did. We could’ve had a quickie, or he could’ve gone down on me.

So, I asked him why I was feeling horny at this time. I’m not usually horny after my period, but he said that it was probably cuz we hadn’t spent too much time together. Then suddenly, his tooth started hurting him and at first, I thought he was trying to put a guilt trip on me for mentioning the fact that if we didn’t have sex, we avoid possible problems it can and has brought, but that if we don’t, we go horny. I’m pretty sure now, though, that his tooth was really hurting him.

Then I got a little annoyed when once again he said, “I know there’s no problem” (with my plumbing).

The reason why I’d gotten annoyed was cuz he always tells me after I say, “I know I’m sterile,” not to assume I know something, either way, cuz no one’s supposed to know what the future holds. Then he told me I could say whatever I wanted and that when he said what he said, it went without saying, in his mind, that there’s a slim, remote possibility there is a problem. So I guess what he’s saying, is that we can believe whatever we believe, but to know that there’s always a chance we could be wrong.

I got to thinking about that brainwashing thing. If I can brainwash myself into thinking God hates me (I still think this is true for the most part anyway), then why couldn’t I brainwash myself into believing I didn’t want a kid? I asked him if he thought Andy could brainwash himself into believing he didn’t want a boyfriend, since he doesn’t think he could get that any more than I think I could get a kid, and he said no. I wonder why? What’s the difference?

Anyway, it’s been absolutely freezing out at night these last couple of nights, and the days have been chilly.

After Tom left for work, saying he was looking forward to the weekend which I agree with, a pipe was leaking out back where one of the faucets is. It was spraying a mist and it was so cold and there were even icicles forming off of the hose and the wet grass below it was all icy. Yuck! Totally like being in Massachusetts. So, I tried to turn it off, but when I couldn’t, I called Tom and he told me which valve to turn and in which direction and told me he’d call back. I got it off with a pair of pliers, then he called back saying I was a wonderful wife for getting it off so he didn’t have to come home and do it.

I’m still working on losing that extra weight, but I haven’t been totally able to “liquidate” myself. I’m at 102 now, but I’d like to get it down to the upper 90s. Even if I could just drop 3-5 pounds, that’d really make a difference at my height and with how I looked, felt, and how my clothes fit.

A couple more comments about Marla’s letter - we heard that making love more often, increases the amount of live sperm, not decreases it, but oh well. And that graph thing seems pretty complicated, but of course, I can’t count very well. Also, if it said I was likely to be ovulating, that doesn’t do me any good if he’s either at work, asleep, busy, sick, tired, or unable to cum.

I was also shocked at how she said 70% of pregnant women experience some kind of bleeding episode during early pregnancy. 70%?! That’s an awfully high figure and if it were that common, then why isn’t it common knowledge? I mean, that’s like saying I could be pregnant, since I had a light period which was mostly spots, both brown and red and I think I saw some tissue, too. I know better, though. I don’t sense any major change, so trust me, my womb is still empty.

I was also surprised she said she blocked out stuff that happened to her as an adult. I thought that the only ones who could really block anything out were those no older than about 10. I wish to hell I could’ve done that throughout most of my life. I envy her. My problem has been remembering. I’m able to remember every single rotten thing that’s ever happened to me and mostly in full detail, too. I wish I could’ve taken and blocked out shit that happened to me as it happened. A lot of the time, especially when the past seems to play on my mind and creep up on me, I wish that even now, I could block out all the bad things I’ve gone through, one by one. That’d have to be the bulk of my life, though.

I also told Marla that she can bash my mom in any way shape or form. Even if I didn’t agree with her (yet I do), she has a right to her feelings and she can speak her mind. It’s fine with me.

My dad’s pretty persuasive too, but not like my mom. Even my dad can’t stand up to my mom and I think this is a big reason why he didn’t stick up for me, Larry and Tammy, besides his own weakness. See, I just know that Tom, being as strong as he is and as loving and protective of me as he is, won’t even be able to stand up to them. If she started to cut me down, he may say in his mind, say something in defense of your wife! But will never be able to do so. My mother could convince most of the world that she was God if she wanted to, but thankfully she and dad aren’t cops cuz if one of them did something cops aren’t supposed to do, the other would never blow the whistle. Hell no! They’d stand by each other and back each other up like the staff in places like Valleyhead and Brattleboro do. That’s what Marla meant when she said Dad was in the same boat, different level. He too, was under the domination of Dureen.

Anyway, speaking of my weak, intolerable parents, they sent Tom candy for Christmas. 3 different kinds of chocolates.

And, speaking of Tom’s mom, remember how I said she showed me a funny letter she got from her cousins? They live in either Virginia or Tennessee, somewhere around there, but there were 16 “Ha’s” throughout the whole letter and I thought it was pretty weird/funny. Anyway, she just got another letter from them and there were no HAs, but it was a pretty bragging, conceited letter. They started off by saying they hoped all was well with “you and yours.” What a hell of a thing to say to someone whose husband just died 6 months ago.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 19, 1996 I went online, saw that Marla was online, and sent her an instant message. Then I sent her an email and am now waiting for her to reply.

I think I’ll go cruise the Internet while I await her reply.

Later…

Still waiting for Marla’s reply. What’s taking her so long? She obviously types fast too, and is an excellent speller. Very literate, just like Andy told me she was.

When I’m not waiting for her or something else, I’ll write more about stuff we’ve talked about.

I downloaded more games, but don’t know if I can remember how to unpack and decompress them.

Later…

Marla better hurry up and get her message to me, but I’ll have to reply to her some other time. A message just popped up saying that the system’s going down in 30 minutes and won’t be back up till 7 AM ET. That’s 5 AM here.

Right now I’m downloading those files which should take about 8 more minutes.

Later…

Got Marla’s reply, but I let her know I’d write back some other time since the system was to go down.

She and I have discussed all kinds of things (mainly about pregnancy). I didn’t tell her about our past sexual lives, of course, but I told her about the DES, my beliefs about God, and my life in general. I made it clear to her that I do have my blessings and how wonderful Tom is. I also told her how positive Tom is and that he agrees with her. That God isn’t punishing me or us and that we’ll succeed whenever.

She gave me Linda’s number, but I don’t think I’ll ever need to call her.

I can’t remember everything we discussed in the last couple of letters. She just told me to get tested and I told her that if we haven’t had any luck by March when I’m due for a pap, that’s when I’ll casually mention it, get the ball rolling and that we both agreed to do whatever it takes if we can’t manage on our own.

I’m still shocked that Marla had such an easy time with childbirth and said it was easier than having her 4 impacted wisdom teeth pulled, but like Tom said, everyone’s different. I had thought that nothing was more painful than having a kid. I may be a toughie in many ways, who’s not as sensitive as she used to be, but I still can’t imagine a drugless, easy birth like Marla had, with only a few stitches down there. I’m not that tough and I’m not as big as she is. She did say, though, that with her second boy (she has two) the labor was sharper, so they gave her something that’s supposed to take the edge off the pain and it didn’t help much. Yeah, I heard that the drugs really don’t help much and that all they do is prolong the process and up the risks to the mother and the child. I always swore that if I were pregnant, I wouldn’t bother with those birthing classes. If childbirth is supposed to be natural, I don’t see why I should have to be “taught” how to have a kid if I could have it vaginally. I’d still want to find out all my options and see what the doctor recommended but have the drugs available to me if and when needed. Still, I already know how to take some good, deep breaths, so like Tammy said, it’s kind of obvious and I don’t see why I’d need classes.

Shockingly, Marla said she thought it’d be so painful and when she saw an instructional video, the lady looked like she was gonna die of pain and yet they said the woman was having a fairly easy labor.

Marla also told me that before Linda had in vitro, she attempted two failed surrogates for Linda.

Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I realize that Tom really truly is right on just about everything he’s ever said would happen. All he was really wrong about was the timing of these things, but so far, even though we have gotten me pregnant, we did get him on top, we did get him off, etc., just like he said would be the case. As I told him, the more I remind myself of this, the more I hope it’ll help me to deal with our situation and to move on. Talking with Tom, Andy, and Marla have really helped.

I told Marla that I wasn’t ashamed of my past experiences with women, that I never believed God hated gays, and that I believed that those who say he does just want to cut down gays and try to scare them, so she responded to that in her letter I’ll copy in here.

Tom says that I may have always believed God had it in for me, but that lately, I’ve come to be obsessed with the idea of him hating me and that I brainwashed myself into believing he hates me. Yeah, I think he’s right, but I still can’t help but believe this. I wish I didn’t, though. I wish I just believed that I do have more control over my own body and life than I’ve had in the past and that it just hasn’t been the right time yet. They say there’s a time to die and a time to be born. I’m sure I’d believe in God for the better much more if I do get pregnant. If not, I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see.

The good thing about it is that between what Tom, Andy, and Marla have had to say about it all and the procedures available, and that there are places guaranteeing a visible pregnancy and your money back, has helped to boost my hope up a little. I don’t know how the hell we could afford any procedures, but I just hope we’ll never need it and that Tom will be right yet again about not needing anything.

Meanwhile, all I can do is wait, try to hope things work out, and take Tom’s advice about God and living life. It may not be easy, but I guess that the more often I can live out his advice, that that’ll be better than nothing, even though I agree with Tom and myself that what we think, do or say, doesn’t dictate the future. It may just make it easier to deal with and maybe speed things up, but who knows for sure?

I also agree with Tom, Andy and Marla, that the past can’t be changed, even if it plays on our minds periodically. And that also, I don’t have to be like my mother. God, I hope not! I don’t see how I could live with myself if I did a fraction of the things she’s done and we’re already quite different.

I really am lucky, like Marla said, that Tom doesn’t judge me by my past and I’ve told Tom this.

Another cool thing about Marla is that she doesn’t just know what Andy’s told her since he and I met up in ‘88. She knows how my mom was/is. She saw how she was with us.

I agree with her about there usually being a reason for the way people are and she asked me about my mom. Well, that’s easy. Her parents were just like mine. Her mom was mean, negative and domineering and her dad sat back and acted like nothing happened while using his heart as an excuse to not get upset. Yes, my dad had/has a bad heart and it’s not good for him to get all emotional, but if I had been him, I would’ve set that Dureen straight on how she treated our kids. I don’t mean violently, either.

I also agree with Marla that all parents make mistakes, but trying your best and trying not to repeat mistakes and apologizing for your mistakes and letting your kids know you love them no matter what, is the best.

Lastly, she gave me all kinds of news, advice and stuff like that on pregnancy. I’ll show Tom her letter and ask him what he thinks. He says we can let it happen on its own (by March) and I trust his judgment with his track record of being right (whether it be on time or not), so I’ll ask him if he thinks we should take her temperature advice or wait on it, but keep it in mind as something that may help in the future if we have no luck on our own.

We definitely need and want to have more sex and yes, I fully believe Tom when he says he can get to the point where he gets off every time we have sex. I believe this after how right he proved to be in saying we could get him on top, off in the first place, etc. I just think it may take many months, but like he said to remind myself, I cannot know this for sure. I may be wrong when I say I think it’ll take a long time for him to do. Or maybe I’ll be right. Don’t know. Time will tell.

We do agree with Marla - we choose to help ourselves get me pregnant. I ain’t giving up no more. I shall fight tooth and nail for what I, he or we want, whether or not it comes quick and easy, or over time with lots of hard work. Tom and Marla are right - we deserve happiness, we deserve our dreams, and we don’t have to be childless by fate.

That story Marla told me about that woman Linda knows sounds horribly scary and painful where the baby kicked through the womb.

Later…

Right now I feel a little dizzy. Or would lightheaded be the proper word?

I was surprised to spot some mistakes in Marla’s letter to me. No hyphen in between the words ‘self’ and ‘esteem’ and she put an apostrophe in the wrong kind of ‘its’. Still, she is an excellent typist/writer. Especially when compared to people like Fran, Bob, Alex and Tammy.

Tom took care of unpacking a few new games I zapped over.

He says he still feels like he was just getting over his cold, only to get hit with a new one. I worry about him. I hope he’ll be OK. I’d literally die if anything ever happened to him.

He’s been grouchy a bit here and there, but I understand. I only wish I didn’t talk so much. I should really work on not overwhelming him with so much show and tell when he first wakes up. He’s overwhelmed enough what with his cold and Christmas coming up. I should understand, too, cuz I really like to be left alone myself when I first get up. I need more time than he does. I need an hour or two to just be left alone.

I also should try harder to take his advice when he says that it’s not that I have to really change myself or hold things in, but lessen the kid talk. He says we can discuss it, but we have to live life and not put all our energies into making a kid. This doesn’t mean he won’t or can’t do whatever we may need to after the holidays are out of the way. We really don’t want to make any kind of plans till after the New Year.

He has a point about living life, but a lot of the time, I feel like I don’t have enough of a life to live and too much time on my hands. Well, when I feel this way, I try to do the things I enjoy, besides stuff that needs to be done around the house.

I agree with him as far as taking any old out-of-the-house job at this time. I don’t know about the future, but right now it would eat our money initially and rob us of a lot of our time together. It’d make it harder for any needed appointments, too. It would make my free time more special, though. Perhaps too special and I don’t think a job is worth it. A kid, yes. That’d be worth any free time being special. Besides, we’re not like Tammy and Bill or other couples, necessarily. If one of us really needed free time, I’m sure the other could help with that. If he needed free time on the computer, I’m sure I could entertain the kid in another room. Neither of us would be able to wake up in peace, though. Maybe we could take turns with that.

Yesterday, it was my left nipple’s turn to have that weird burning feeling. Also, my rag, which was a typical 3-day rag (although very light), is over.

I told Tom we should wait till after the holidays too, to screw again, but he said that wasn’t what he wanted to do. OK, I told him. I’m not only used to not doing/having what I want, but I truly love him so very much that I want to do whatever I can do to make him happy and what he wants, whether I like it or not.

Marla went through a lot of shit in her life too, and like me, wishes she had Evan a long time ago like I wish I had Tom a long time ago. She wishes Andy had Mr. Right, too.

Is she serious, though? Andy had told me the boys really put a strain on their marriage and that Evan would get jealous of the attention she gave the kids (what else is new?).

Marla has a point too, when she mentions God having a hand in our sexual orientations. I agree with that.

I heard, also, that Ma treated me better than Larry and Tammy due to her guilt over my ear when I was really little. Then, I personally think she treated me worse. She didn’t send Larry or Tammy away or have them doped up. Better to have stayed home with the negative, insensitive bitch than to have been put away in funny farms, schools, and foster homes, but I’m glad I met Anna and Harry.

Tom and I have been playing the doggie mug game. He picks a different one out every day for hot chocolate. He’s picked 3 out of the 10 so far, so he’s got 7 more to go.

Every day I’ve been emptying our little pail into the big blue dumpster they gave us which’s out in the corner of the patio. That’s my job. Late tonight, I’ll reply to Marla’s letter.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 1996 I was not only gonna say how each period gets lighter but how I also hadn’t had the grand finale but I just did. I usually spot the first day, have a healthier flow the next day, then nothing for a while on day 3, then a few final spots. I had a weird experience last Saturday or Sunday that I don’t remember ever having before. I suddenly felt a strong and steady pain in a small area (seemingly my uterus), that felt like immense cramps. Between Tom and two Ibuprofen, it went away after about 20 minutes.

Another thing Marla pointed out is that you get breathers between contractions, unlike period cramps. True, but I still can’t imagine drugless, natural childbirth being half as easy for me as she says it was for her.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1996 Well, they finally delivered our recycling pail. We agreed, though, we’re not gonna make a big deal of it. Obviously, glass jars, soda cans, and shit like that are recyclable, but if we’re not sure, we’ll just throw them in the regular pail.

On Sunday, next door threw the quietest party ever. There was no music, ball playing or loud yelling. I would’ve easily slept through it. I hope all their parties are like this where they keep themselves inside their place and not take their party out directly by our windows. These are definitely summer people, so I’m sure that from around May to Labor Day, there’ll be some major outbursts.

Bunny finally had to go into the bomb tank. She was well on her way out of Piggy’s cage when I finally realized there was no keeping her in there. So, after I put her in Piggy’s old aquarium, I put the screen over it, taped two sides of it to the glass, then tucked the other two sides under the cage. I also put heavy boxes on top. Something I couldn’t do with the other cage.

I can’t wait till their new cage is built!

Once again, this period is so light and while my boobs aren’t sore anymore, I never lost my water weight gain. I still weigh the same before, during, and after my rag. I gotta do something about this. Otherwise, in a few months, I’ll steadily weigh 108, then a few months later I’ll weigh 110 for a while and this will go on till I’m 130-150 pounds all over again.

There is a part of me that’s doing a lot better, though. My hair. Yes, I still have some split ends, but not as many, and I really believe this will prevent split ends before they start. Anyway, all of it, from roots to ends, is so much softer. It looks and feels much healthier. Even when I don’t straighten it, it no longer feels like straw and it’s not so frizzy anymore, either.

Later…

I’m still not as happy as I’d like to be now. I still have that doomed, hopeless feeling and it’s got me both sad and angry. Marla’s been a good listener through AOL. She told me about Linda, which I already knew, of course, and told me to get tested and do whatever it takes. I told her that that’s what we intend to do, but I also told her, that even though Tom disagrees, what my belief is about God, curses, punishments and how you can’t fight fate and that I fully believe it’s not meant to be.

What she had to say about childbirth shocked the shit out of me. She thought it was gonna be so painful, but she says she had no drugs and that it was easy. She said she only ripped 2-3 stitches down there but wasn’t sore down there at all. Of course not as she's huge? Me? I’m so small that if I could have a kid regularly, there’d be no way I wouldn’t be in utter pain and not rip to pieces, cuz I’m small and sensitive. Maybe not as sensitive as I used to be, and yes, I may be a toughie to a big degree, but not like that. Back when there were no drugs, which I hear doesn’t help much, how could people push a kid out through the agony of a torn pussy?

She said that easy births run in her family, but that Linda had a long, painful ordeal. Well, of course she did. She fought God and had in vitro. She fought God and won, though, and got him to break down and give in. He wouldn’t even do that for me. If he did, though, I’m sure he’d make it the worst possible labor anyone could have, in exchange for giving in, and I probably wouldn’t be able to shit or pee for weeks. Even worse, he’d probably make sure I really did have to have a C-section, so I could still feel like I didn’t experience the process naturally and do my job right, so to speak. I still wish he’d give in for me, too, whether I had an excruciating vaginal birth or a C-section. He won’t even go so far as to let me get pregnant.

Like I said, 90% of my life is what God says it is. I just have no say at all when it comes to making major decisions about my life or body. It’s all up to him.

I’m on a liquid diet till Saturday, but who knows if he’ll let me have my way with that? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I was pregnant, cuz my body’s just like it was before my rag (even my emotions are). Except for the sore boobs and pre-cramps being gone, I just never lose my post-period water weight gain anymore. I still keep bouncing between 104-106.

So this is what Tom’s cum has done for me - not made me pregnant, but has made my period light, made me constantly watery and I look like shit. I look like I weigh 120. Well, if I don’t do anything about it (that is, with God’s permission), it’ll get up there eventually. As long as I can never have a child, there’s no reason why I should be fat. I know it’s got something to do with Tom’s cum, but I certainly don’t want him to go back to not cumming, either, even if we didn’t want a kid, so I can feel inadequate in bed again. He’s been right about the cumming issue, but I just hope it doesn’t take another two years to step up in bed to where he’s cumming more than once or twice a month.

My body’s acting like it did in my late teens - early 20s. I just look at food and gain a pound or two. I’ve got to reverse my thyroid and speed up my metabolism, so I can go back to staying at the same weight, no matter what I eat and how much I eat. If I can just get down to 98 pounds, I should look and feel much better and my clothes should fit me better. Meanwhile, I suppose I should try to tighten things up since except for the arms, that doesn’t seem to come as naturally anymore.

I’m just so fucking pissed, it isn’t funny. I’m sick of having no control. Will God ever let me do something I really, really want to do soooo very, very bad?! I just wish he’d leave me the fuck alone and let me live my own life the way I want it to be. Everything’s got to be his way and I’m just so sick of it! I just want to live for Jodi for once and do what Jodi picks out as far as her destiny or occupation goes. I’m tired of knowing what I want, wanting it really bad, doing whatever I can do to get it, and having him say no and throw it up in my face. If I’m such a piece of shit to God and if he hates me so much, why does he bother with me? I’m tired of having to be his little piece of clay that only he can mold into whatever he wants. I’m tired of being his slave.

I just wish to hell I knew Tom was gonna be as right about this as he was about the cumming. If he was right, when would that be, though? How many years from now? Would I be around 35? Would I be around 40? Better later than never, but I’m sick of waiting. Why can’t anything ever come easy and quicker to me? Why is it that I never get 90% of what I want and the things that I do get that I want take years? I’ve wanted this long enough. We shouldn’t have to wait. We don’t deserve to wait. Oh, I know, we’re not 16, we didn’t kill anyone, rob a bank, or sell crack, but can God ever do anything fair? Is he that miserable himself, that he has to make most people miserable, too? If he was such a good loving God like people say he is, then why doesn’t he prove it? Why doesn’t he be fairer? Why doesn’t he listen to me when I’ve talked to him? Why does he ignore most of us like he doesn’t give a shit or care and like our problems/dreams mean nothing to him?

I just wish I could see into the future and see if Tom’s right about us having no problem at all getting me pregnant, but I’m still pretty sure that if I could see into the future, I wouldn’t like what I was seeing at all. If only I could see what he sees, though. If only I could see a miracle and eat my words. That’d make all this waiting a lot easier to deal with.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1996 I sure do have a lot to write about and most of it isn’t very good. Let me get the other things out of the way before I get into the same old shit.

We’re making a family calendar for Christmas. Tom went over to Ma’s to videotape her photo albums. We’re getting ma puzzles, but anyway, we’re gonna have family pictures by each month and a picture of those whose birthdays or anniversaries are on certain dates.

I got restocked on my markers and did a couple of really neat envelopes for Larry. On the front of one of them, I did a line of crayons all lined up and wrote the names of their colors on them, just like they are written on crayons. I also did one of a nighttime desert scene on the back. That one, Tom really loved. He liked the crayons a lot but thought the desert scene was excellent.

I started this desert scene on the living room wall across the back of the couch.

Tom’s cold is just starting to taper off, but Larry sure had quite a cold when I called him last night.

Larry says they warmed up again to 40°, but that it’s to get cold again. I gave him my laugh, anyway.

We got a few Christmas cards from Tom’s family and I got a card from Kim today, too.

I just did up letters to Larry and Kim.

The John Saul fan club thing I sent away for was returned to me, cuz that address was closed out.

I renewed our library books by phone.

I think that’s the trivial stuff that’s been going on.

Anyway, the reason why I haven’t been too happy, naturally, is cuz of that faithful red friend I knew I’d get. It started last night. Tom said this could be good, cuz we screwed when I was 14 days after my period, so all this means is that we didn’t hit it right and I wasn’t on a 28-day cycle. I know what this means. That God still hates me and will never love me enough to bless us with a child.

Anyway, he had just gone to bed last night before 8:00 and I decided to watch a movie. So, I sat down to do so and of course, the first set of commercials had to be all about pregnancy tests. Then I felt wet down there, went to check, and saw that it was starting. So this was an instant end to my good mood. Then the next set of commercials was about the power of prayer. The only power I have from prayer is the power for them to be unheard and unanswered. I thought it just wouldn’t be fair if I’d gotten a period, but even Andy agrees that God controls our bodies and that life’s not fair. It’s like it’s deliberately designed to be unfair.

The thing about it is that for about two days prior to my period, even I had a slightly positive vibe picking up. The scale said 106 steadily and my boobs were so sore and I was so watery that even I began to wonder. Stupid me, though. The thought of having a child brought tears of joy to my eyes as I realized how complete I’d feel to have such a great husband and a child. I kept telling myself I was a silly little dreamer and to get real and then reality came alright Even my horoscope said to hang onto reality and don’t do too much wishful thinking. Tom would agree with the part telling me to reevaluate and change my belief system, though.

God just doesn’t want me to move on. He’s so determined to keep me right where I am.

I just don’t see how Tom can believe I’m fine and that we just haven’t hit it right yet. He says that he too, feels that same emptiness and void I feel, but due to the fact that he believes our dream will be granted, he’s not as upset as I am. OK, I know he’s cum only about 8 times since last July, but he’s done so 10 days after my period, 12 days after it, 14 days after it, 15 days after it, 16 days after it, and about 18 days after it that I know of. One of these should have hit it right. I know something’s wrong. I asked him if he thought that maybe I could be one of those women who just never ovulate and he said no, cuz that’s just so unusual. Then all the more likely this is for me since being unusual is the highlight of my life.

So, this is the deal we made, which I also told Andy. In March I’ll be going for a PAP and at that time I’ll casually mention we’ve been trying for several months and haven’t hit it right and see if they’ve got any suggestions for us. I’m sure, though, that they’re not gonna suggest anything we haven’t already heard of. If we ever stood a chance in hell, he’d need to cum 5-7 days in a row during that time frame and I told him I just can’t see him doing this. He says, though, that his amount of cumming will increase and that he’ll eventually be getting off every time we have sex, then he reminded me I also could never see him ever cumming or us getting him on top. True, and I hope I’m dead wrong and that he’s totally right when he says that for March we’ll need to turn around and make me an appointment with an OB.

Anyway, he and I agreed to do whatever we need to. He’s willing to get tested, go through in vitro, etc. However, I still say you can’t fight fate and that not us, nor any doctor, nor God could ever help us to get this child that just isn’t meant to be. Yes, I fear punishment from God for rebelling against what he’s set my fate out to be, but I guess that at this point, like I told Tom and Andy, I’d rather take whatever punishments God’s gonna dish out to me cuz he can’t punish me any further than he already has. I still know, though, that this void will never be filled. I’ll always live with this empty, incomplete, cheated feeling.

Andy’s glad we’re gonna be going to a doctor and he says that it’s not that he doesn’t believe what I have to say as far as my 6th sense, my woman’s intuition, and the DES, but that he’ll really believe whatever a doctor has to say. He reminded me about his sister Linda who needed in vitro. But Linda’s not a DES daughter. See, I think that the problem with DES daughters isn’t that the egg can’t be fertilized, it’s that the tissue lining the cervix and uterus is so inflamed, that the embryo can’t get a grip on the wall of the uterus.

Andy asked me how I can be sure that Tom isn’t shooting blanks. Cuz if he was, God couldn’t have used him to tease me with that spot attack last August. I know he’s fine.

Andy said that even if a doctor told me yes, I’m sterile, that should help to really finalize it in my mind so I can move on. Yeah, I suppose, but in my mind, it’s already final enough. I fully believe 1997 will definitely be the year that this thing fully plays itself out. A miracle is either gonna happen and I’ll be proven more wrong than I ever was before, or a doctor will confirm my worst beliefs and fears.

I really believe the doctor will be telling us he’s fine and that there’s nothing he can do for me, so we should look into adoption. Andy said I should adopt a black baby since I’m not prejudiced and since there are so many out there who need homes and that God would love me doubly for it. First of all, God never has and never will love me 1 ounce and adoption is fine, but it’s not for me. If I can’t have my own - forget it.

I’ll have to choose between the two choices I’ve always had and will only always have - do I work doing some loser job, or do I just stay the way I am and clean the house and do my hobbies? Tom and I also agreed that come March, I’ll decide this.

Why should I settle, though, and live the life God wants me to live? I swear this body doesn’t belong to me. It’s God’s body. Everything of mine is his. His body, his mind, his life. Nothing’s up to me. Nothing belongs to me.

Anyway, Andy was a really good listener last night. I certainly didn’t want to wake Tom up with his cold, which is coming to an end now (it’s a miracle that I didn’t catch his cold!). Andy offered to treat me to Denny’s, but he got tied up at Quinn’s place. This worked out well, though, cuz I was just too drained physically, cuz my emotions just totally exhausted me. I ended up sleeping 12 hours, which I really needed. Especially since I had only slept 6-7 hours the previous two nights.

Got another letter from Marla who said she understood being sterile is personal and she doesn’t mean to pry or hurt me. I told her, though, that there’s nothing I haven’t been asked or heard, so she can ask me anything she wants to, and I told her the scoop on the DES and our plans for March. I also told Tammy, too.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1996 Just got done brushing my teeth and flossing them, too. After getting them all so clean, I want to keep up on them. Instead of just brushing them once daily, I want to brush them twice daily and floss them weekly. I’m also using the tooth whitener Kim sent eons ago.

I had some pretty serious pre-cramps for a minute there. Felt like my period was just 5 minutes away.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1996 Tom’s cold has set in. Hopefully, he’ll be better soon.

I’m still doing well with my teeth.

The pre-cramps are back. I had a few today, a few 2 days ago and a lot 3 days ago. Well, this half-woman will surely be ragging soon enough. If I rag on Wednesday, that’ll push me further into phase 3. So, let’s see, phase 1, when he didn’t cum at all, lasted about 3 years. Phase 2, where he cums once or twice a month, lasted about 6 months. Phase 3, where I can see that I’m sterile by not conceiving, will last forever and I’ll be deeper into it with each passing year. I need to go as deep as I can go to continue to help get me through this and move on however I can and even if it does mean a new curse. Due to being totally sure I’m sterile, I do hope for my period on Wednesday, to push me deeper into that final phase.

Got another message from Marla. She says she’s paying for that trip to Hawaii with a cold. That’s something God would do - let someone win a trip, then compensate them with a cold.

Looks like they just went to bed next door. There were lights on about 10 minutes ago and I thought I heard him rummaging through his car, but now the lights are off. I hope they stay the way they have been and don’t turn up the music and throw a few parties from May to September like they did before.

Anyway, Marla didn’t have much to say. She did ask me how I could be fine after having wisdom teeth pulled. She said she had all 4 of hers yanked when she was 17 and that she suffered for months and that childbirth was easy compared to that. Really?! I thought nothing was more painful than childbirth. Well, it sounds like her wisdom teeth were impacted.

I began drawing a new round of envelopes for Jenny. I usually do 5 at a time.

Almost down to 4 more days left till I get my best friend who loves me sooo much and who’s ever so faithful and dependable. Even though I’d prefer to get it on Wednesday, I may get it early cuz physically I’m really, really PMSing. The fucking scale said 106 earlier cuz I’m so bloated. If I hit 110, I’ll starve myself.

Shall I pray to God for my period so I can feel loved by him? Nah, I know he really hates me. Also, there’s nothing to pray for. My periods are inevitable. Totally etched in stone.

Once again Tom contradicted himself. When I had that spot attack, he told me he’d have been a bit concerned if my period hadn’t been different in some way. Oh yeah? Well, this is news to me cuz I asked him earlier if he’d be worried if all my periods had been normal since he began getting off and his answer was no. Not at this point.

Trust me - 10 years from now, he’ll still say everything’s fine - we just haven’t hit it right yet.

On January 1st, I’m gonna begin working out again, and am gonna stick to it no matter how boring it is.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1996 Those wisdom teeth are gone! Finally. They can’t bug me anymore every month or so like they had been for the last two years or so. Anyway, I ended up needing no sedation at all. No laughing gas or IV sedation. Just the Novocain. I was first brought into a room where this lady cleaned my teeth. What a difference! They look and feel so much better and they can actually be flossed now without getting hung up on built-up gunk. She didn’t use the ultrasonic machine, cuz she didn’t think I needed it. She hand-scaled the teeth with that pick they use. Then she polished them, then flossed them.

Then I was moved to another room for the extractions. It wasn’t like when I had the first two pulled, but at least it wasn’t painful. He just had to apply a lot of pressure, cuz they were a little crooked, unlike the others.

In East Longmeadow, the dentist who pulled my teeth did it in about 5 minutes. She just did 3 quick shots of Novocain and then it only took her 3 seconds to pull one tooth, then another 3 seconds to pull the other tooth, but this was different. He first swabbed on some numbing stuff that’s like Anbesol. Then he did give me 3 different Novocain shots, but he held the Novocain gun in position for several minutes after he did each shot. Then he left the room for about 10 minutes to let it get working. This is also something new to me.

Then it came time to pull them and they were much more stubborn than the last two. Once again, the pressure was more uncomfortable, but I couldn’t feel it. It took about 40 seconds for the top one to go, then about two minutes for the bottom one to go.

Then I bit down on some gauze, but it quickly stopped bleeding. After barely an hour, it stopped oozing blood.

I saw the teeth too, and I didn’t know they were as big as they were. I could see all the grayish ugly decay that was on one of them.

So, Tom was really proud of me, and Andy couldn’t believe I just had Novocain. He needed Valium and laughing gas.

Shortly after we got home, the numbness wore off and it was a bit achy, so I took some Ibuprofen, but I’m sure I won’t need the prescription Tylenol he gave me at all. Then after a couple of hours after being home, I felt as good as new, as I do now. If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t know I had teeth pulled today. Guess that after breaking a bone and having my head drilled, it makes things like this pretty tolerable, but I still couldn’t have a kid naturally. I’d either go into shock or go crazy, but Tom disagrees. He thinks I’d say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. I don’t see how, though. Also, if I knew I was gonna break my arm again and couldn’t do anything to stop it, I’d be scared shitless.

Tom was so good at helping me out. He got me a milkshake and some cheesecake when he stopped at Jack-n-the-Box after bringing me home. He also said that the waiting was a breeze after having to wait for me for 5 hours when my head was rearranged.

Tom said, “I know this may sound selfish, but better you than me since you’re a toughie.” He said he’d no doubt need IV sedation. I let him know, though, that if he ever needed his teeth yanked, I’d be there to hold his hand.

We called my parents and let them know everything went well. Ma said I should’ve brought them home for the tooth fairy.

They won’t be calling on New Year’s Eve cuz they won’t be there, but we’ll talk again next year.

Now I have some weird news. I’m gonna get my period, cuz that’s logic, but the weird part is that I’ve had no pre-cramps today and my tits feel better. Usually, it builds up, then the day before your period, it eases up. I wonder if this means I’ll get my period tomorrow. That’d be 5 days early, though.

Tom just thinks it’s only a matter of us hitting it right and that if he got off in me when I was ovulating, I’d probably be pregnant.

I just remembered something Kim told me. I had asked her if a woman gets laid 14 days after her period, wouldn’t she be pregnant? Kim said, yes, if she’s on a 28-day cycle. In other words, if I get my period on the 18th, that’d be really bad and that’d really prove my belief right all the more, cuz that’d be a 28-day cycle.

I just wish God would give Tom and I a break! We really do deserve it with all the shit we’ve been through since we’ve known each other, let alone all our lives.

Anyway, he and I checked out those games I downloaded and most of them are so cool. Tom showed me how to unzip, unpack and install them. He even likes some of them, too. A lot of them have really nice graphics and colors and one of them has really pretty music to it. I got lots of dice games, card games, shapes games and puzzle games.

I went on AOL an hour ago and on my buddy list, which tells you if anyone on your list is currently online, I saw that Alex was online. I sent him an instant message and he sent one back. After sending each other a few messages, we said goodbye and went back to doing what we were doing.

I also got a reply from Marla, which I read to Andy, as she asked me to. She and her husband won a contest for a trip to Hawaii. Lucky them! Other than that, she has a cold, just like Tom does, but Tom’s always got something going on with him when there’s something going on with me. Anyway, she told me about going snorkeling in Hawaii and just stuff like that. It was nice hearing from her for once.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 11, 1996 Awesome! I went to AOL to see if I could find some interesting games. I like games that are fairly simple, yet fun and challenging enough without lots of detail in their graphics. So I went to the kid’s games and found tons of neat stuff. It all takes just over an hour to download. Can’t wait till Tom can unzip and unpack them, cuz this is something I don’t know how to do. I do know how to delete games that I don’t like, though.

Kim called last night and I got an email from Alex. Both say they’ve got tons of snow. Of course, I rubbed into them how beautiful it’s been here at nearly 80º.

I’ll probably get a letter from Kim today. She can’t type me any letters yet. Her mom gave her an ancient computer and soon she’ll get her ancient printer.

No pre-cramps yet today, but I had them yesterday and then, even more, the day before. Still I’m 1000% sure to get my period in about a week.

After the first of the year, I’m gonna get all the birthday cards I’ll need for January - February. Those will be for Larry, Lisa, Jenny, Sandy and Andy.

Later…

I finally finished my proofreading project. Now Tom can make backups again.

No mail from Kim, but I got a Chanukah card from Larry and his family.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1996 Once again, I’m as sterile as I always knew I’d be. For the last two days, I’ve felt pre-cramps and you know you can’t have one without the other. Meaning, pre-cramps and periods go hand in hand. It’d be like trying to have feet without legs. The good side to having those inevitable monthly rages is that in 8 days I’ll get some tit relief. They’ve been very sore.

Once again, Tom’s in denial, telling me we can never know when I ovulate, everything’s fine and we’ll have a kid someday. Is he that blind to reality, or does he really just not want to deal with it?

Now that God’s graduated me to the final step after so long, it’s time for me to start seriously thinking about what to do with my life. It’s obvious I don’t have a destiny, cuz while God kept a child from me, he hasn’t led me into anything else. I have no idea what he wants me to do or what I’m supposed to do. Guess I’m still meant to do nothing and to just keep things the way they are, cuz I still don’t want to settle, either. Most people, like Tom and Andy, may have no choice, but if staying home means not doing something my heart isn’t into, then I’m sure that’s what I’ll always do.

I did a little bit of ‘roof picking’ from the yard and some more proofreading. I only have about 8 left to go.

It’s actually kind of hot out there today.

I think the freeloaders haven’t been home today or yesterday. Someone’s been there daily, cuz I see lights on, but it seems that for the last few weeks, the asshole’s been gone Monday - Wednesday. If so, I hope this continues. They’ve really been great since around Labor Day.

I cleaned like hell yesterday, so for now, I think I’ll go read and do some word puzzles.

Later…

Yup, the time has surely come to be compensated for those wonderful few days and to be slapped back into reality. I’m so mad right now! All I want to do is sit here and bash God right now. I hate him sooo much! In fact, I’m so mad right now, that I can’t even concentrate.

Later…

Tom managed to cheer me up, even though we still believe differently about a kid in our lives and about God.

Tom also took the blinds down from outside the living room window. Then he fixed its inner blinds which were half off the rod. Afterward, I put tinfoil in the window. So now all the windows are foiled, except for the back room.

I also tried out a game I downloaded from AOL, but it sucked. Too much like a math project.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1996 Wow! I got a reply from John Saul and he gave me his website info. I called Tammy and told her about it and I’ll mention it to my folks in my next letter to them.

I checked out his website, which was nice.

Also, we were curious and looked to see if there were any Ronstadt or Estefan members. There was an Evelyn Estefan in Miami, whoever the hell that is. Also, Linda’s niece Melinda and her brother Mike, both in Tucson, are members.

The backyard looks great. Going out for a ciggie now.

Later…

What a gorgeous day it’s been. It nearly hit 80º. It’s been nice and quiet, too.

My search of the Internet for anything on Norah (Jenny Seagrove) turned up nothing. Guess Tom and I will have to search together, but it’ll be more fun that way.

Tom’s been off to a wonderful start on his Chanukah present to me. Yesterday was a really fun and productive day.

He managed to scrape off the sticker that was on the back of this book. I wish they’d quit putting stickers on journals.

The only other thing I’d like Tom to do is to take the blinds down from outside the living room window. The last of the monsoons really tore them up and half of the blinds are scattered all over the front patio.

Now this pen’s dying. He may be bringing me home a new one, or else I’ll just have to ballpoint it. He’s at his ma’s now and he’s pretty sure she’ll pay him for helping her out. She can drive herself to work, but she needs help getting new curtains.

There goes those fucking dogs. I swear if I didn’t know any better I’d say they were in our yard and not two yards away.

Later…

Got a new pen. Just in time, too.

Tom’s home now and we just got done discussing plans for the pig and bun’s new cage. Rather than having one that’s 4’ x 4’, we’re gonna make it 8’ x 2’.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1996 Tom’s out getting groceries but will be back soon.

The last few days sure have been wonderful and surprising. I just hope to hell I’m not in for any killer compensation. Getting my period on the 18th should be enough. It’d be nice if it were the other way around, though. This should be my compensation for all the tough times I’ve had! (having this lucky spell).

We’re gonna screw when he gets back. I wonder if he’ll cum. It seems too soon, though, and I figure he won’t cum till right before my period. Hope I can eat my words, though. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I’m on an “eat my words” streak.

If I get a journal as a gift from someone, I don’t care if they’re ugly or duplicates, but no, I wouldn’t have picked the 4 my parents sent me. Instead of describing them as old or ugly looking, I’d describe this one as cute and the next 3 as different and interesting, cuz they’re from someone else.

Later…

I don’t have that much to write now, cuz soon we’ll be screwing.

I still don’t see why he has to always make “pre-sex duties.” He says he does it so he doesn’t have to worry about feeling like he has to take a dump during sex, but I still wonder about it. How can you time when you’re gonna take a dump, anyway? You can’t make yourself shit if you don’t have to.

Now that we can stay on AOL as long as we want, we did some interesting research, but I’ll get into it later.

Later…

Well, no eating my words about the last thing I wrote about. He didn’t cum. He will, though, in about a week.

We just ate some of the pies he made. One vanilla one and one chocolate one. We had some of the vanilla one, but it tasted like butterscotch. It was still really good.

Right now he’s watching some TV while I write. Later we’ll do some yard work. He’s gonna hammer up the last piece of wood over a portion of the patio with which he had run out of wood to cover. He’s also gonna cut a notch in it for the flag to go through. We’re gonna fix the flag with the flag unfurler (is that even a word?) that my folks sent and he’s also gonna edge, trim the hedges and clean up the patio a bit. Then, I’ll continue on with picking up shit from out there every so often.

My weight has still been the same as it has been since around last August. That’s another way I know that nothing hooked, cuz by now I’d have a few extra pounds of water on me. I also don’t “sense” or feel anything different about my body. The only weird experience was the day my nipples burned, but it hasn’t happened again since.

What did we do on AOL? Well, we were finally able to find out that that song of Linda’s called Dreams to Dream is from a soundtrack called An American Tail: Fievel Goes West. I was also shocked to see that she’s been on 108 albums. That many?! These extra songs I didn’t know about, though, are either from soundtracks or her doing backup on other people’s albums.

We also checked into information about John Saul and found that quite a few people had comments to make about him. Even more shocking, he has his own email address. It’s gotta be him, cuz he said he used the name John Saul, lives in Seattle, was born in 42, and lists his occupation as a writer.

In fact, I’m gonna go leave him a message now, and one for Marla, too.

Later…

OK, I just left Marla a message, but I’m pretty sure I won’t hear back from her. She’s too busy. In fact, I don’t see how any mom could have the time to play around on a computer.

I also left John a message. I told him I wasn’t sure if he was the one who wrote all those great books, but that he’s a fantastic writer, anyway. I also asked him about the set of 6 books I hear he’s supposed to be putting out. I told him that my husband basically reads computer books, but that I was gonna convince him to read his books one of these days. From what I’ve heard, Black Lightning, his latest book that I haven’t read yet, is a bore. I hope not, but there were about 3 other books of his that were sort of a bore.

I wonder if he’ll reply to my message, but I doubt it. He’s probably a very busy person. Hopefully, I’ll hear from his fan club soon.

Tom also created what’s called a buddy list. That tells you if any of the people you have in your address book come online while you’re online, like Tammy or Alex.

Tom’s out fixing up the last touches to the roof over the patio.

Earlier, we also ordered another CD for me for just $2. This is from Columbia House. That fucked up record club we’re in. You can order from this shady club on AOL. I got another old Linda CD.

Yesterday I chatted with Larry, Tammy, and my folks and that was nice.

Tammy says they got a huge snowstorm and naturally, I burst out laughing. She said driving was miserable and that there were tons of accidents. Well, the accidents are no laughing matter, but it sure sounds like they got much more than just a dusting of snow. I told her to be careful driving. She wouldn’t want to be killed and not be around to hear my laugh she loves so much. She was like, yeah right! So, I let her know how nice it is here. It’s a lot nicer than it was a couple of days ago.

When I talked to Larry, his son was there, too. I started off by saying I’d heard about the snowstorm and burst out laughing. Then he kept upping the amount of snow and cold to get me to laugh more and he said they were gonna get 6 feet of snow by the weekend.

Larry also read me the funniest Christmas poem, but I can’t remember it. I told him to type it up for me and send me a copy of that and some other poem, but I know he won’t. It was so funny, too. It was dirty with all kinds of swears. All I remember is something about Ma being a whore, Dad smoking grass and in a Christmas sock, a big rubber dick for his brother who’s queer, and Santa blowing up the chimney with one great fart that ripped the chimney apart.

I talked to his son briefly, too. He’s lucky, cuz he says he loves the snow.

I don’t know if Tammy got her mugs yet due to the snow, but Mom and Dad did and they love them. I called them again, cuz I just had to thank them for my journals. I was flying for quite a while after receiving them.

They say Tom’s got a Christmas present coming.

They also had a picture frame that matched two of the journals (the ones with stamps). She said to leave it blank and that there’s a reason for it, so obviously she’s sending some picture for it.

Also, I told her I had tried to reach Marty and Ruth and she said I could send them a Chanukah card, but that they acknowledged my letter and know I made a "mistake” in my “accusation” towards them. In other words - don’t call, cuz they still don’t want to know me and they’re still hung up on our past problems.

Fine with me.

Later…

Just got a hold of Tammy, who got the mugs and said never to write their address on boxes with markers again, cuz the snow washed part of it off. Also, she says I looked awful and Tom looked fine. I don’t know if she was joking about my looking awful, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she were serious, cuz I really did look awful. Just about every picture I’ve ever taken looks shitty. So, I told her we were microwave and dishwasher safe, so not to worry about zapping us or throwing us in the dishwasher.

We didn’t talk long, cuz she was doing paperwork. One of her patients is almost out the door, but that’s her job; to deal with people dying of cancer. I know she can relate to these people after Bill went through his ordeal, but I’d think she wouldn’t want to be reminded of cancer patients and see what they go through, after dealing with what Bill’s gone through. Hasn’t she had enough of the subject?

Later…

We just put the new stuff on the flag to make it pivot and not get all wrapped up and got the flag up. It looks nice. I’ve got one up there now with white flowers on a pink background.

Gotta go check the mail.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 5, 1996 I have so very, very much to write about. I hope to hell I can remember everything cuz the last couple of days have been the best in so very long. God, I needed this break! And I needed this string of great luck!

The night before last, Andy sang me the funny farm song and a few clips from other songs. He even wrote a love song about Quinn that he sang on his machine. He played that for me and it was so well written, as usual.

The happiest part of my birthday was when Tom came. I couldn’t believe it! Boy, was ever wrong for the better, huh? I know what this means, though. It’s time for phase 3. That final step. It’ll be a miracle if God changed his mind and allowed me to get pregnant now and that would be the ultimate way for me to really eat my words, but I know better. I don’t see my period on the 18th and I haven’t had any dreams about it, but I’m sure that I’ll sense my period stronger as we get closer to the 18th. How I wish I could be dead wrong yet again in the greatest way ever! Stop it Mystery, don’t dream too much!

Still, it was so nice to get both second-best birthday wishes and first-best birthday wishes granted. I thought that if I got really damn lucky, he’d screw me without getting off, during one of the prime conception days. I never imagined we screw this much and that he’d get off, too. Today we’re building up for some more fun tomorrow. He’ll break another record if he cums tomorrow, cuz he usually only cums once every couple of weeks.

The feeling I had yesterday, and even today, is just wonderful. It’s so great to feel like such a winner who’s having everything work out great and not be blinded by feelings of anger, sadness, and frustration. I needed this change so bad. I was so overdue for it. I hope God really will have a change of heart and let me move on. He’s “tested” me enough.

Also, there’s no more room in my mind for doubting Tom. There’s no way he’d have cum yesterday if he really wanted to stall the kid and remember, he thinks I’m perfectly fine, as far as my plumbing goes.

Yes, I fear compensation for this wonderful spell, cuz that’s just how life works, but I hope that this great feeling lasts longer. It’s so great to once again feel like God may not hate me that much after all. Like I said, though, I’m not sure how he’s gonna end this baby quest thing. I could have a regular period, I could spot, I could get pregnant and lose it or I could suddenly need a hysterectomy. We’ll just have to wait and see which one happens, but I’m pretty sure I’ll just keep having regular periods. Tom said not to worry if I get a period, cuz we can’t know when I’m ovulating, so don’t give up. I’m sorry, though, but any woman who went through that “change” at my age and who doesn’t get pregnant at this time, is definitely sterile.

Anyway, when Tom left me a happy birthday message two nights ago, he said something about screwing up something. He went into his little room in back and pulled out two journals I already have that are the same as 99 and 111 (cats). That’s fine, though, and I wondered what was taking so long as far as someone getting me one I already had. I mean, I’ve been writing for just over 9 years, and have over 125 journals, so I figured that it’d have to happen anytime now. I could change the cover, but why bother? They’re nice covers.

I got another dupe journal from Andy, too, but I’ll get into that later.

So, Tom cleaned the printer with alcohol on the morning of the 4th and I used my pretty new paper to do letters up to my folks, Tammy & Bill, Lisa, Becky & Sarah, Kim and Andy. Soon, I’ll do one for Larry.

Also, my parents called yesterday and we really did have a very pleasant chat. Ma was a lot like Dad. She didn’t seem like the typical hostile bitch she is and like she wanted to hurry me off the phone. She was even joking along with Dad. She wasn’t that all too serious, impatient tyrant. They called at 8:30 AM our time, wished me a happy birthday, and asked how Tom and his mom were.

I asked how their store was doing and it’s picking up, I guess, due to the snowbirds coming in.

Goldie and Al aren’t going down there this year. They’re going to Hawaii. Lucky them! Boo and Max are coming down. They didn’t say a word about Marty and Ruth, so I guess they don’t want to bother with me.

Whatever.

I was gonna tell them about how Larry tells me it’s freezing there, no matter what time of year it is so I can give him my laugh, but they said they knew about it. He told them.

If it’s not personal, they can usually keep a secret so I told them we sent Chanukah checks to Tammy’s kids in the amounts of their ages and they thought that was a lovely idea. Ma then said that they got checks for $275 for their ages.

Ha, ha, ha.

Dad was on TV again the other night. A rerun of America’s Most Wanted.

They were joking about them getting old and how their kids were supposed to take care of them. I told them that when they end up in wheelchairs, I’ll take them back to Woodside Terrace and roll them down that hilly street, across Locust, and down into the Mill River.

Those were the highlights of our conversation and they say they want both Tom and I to call them around the New Year. We can call as late as 11 PM their time. Dad pretty much crashes at 11:00, but Ma’s up till midnight or 1 AM watching TV or reading.

This pretty much covers yesterday’s events.

When I got up last night, there was a package from my parents. They sent two checks that were each for $25 for both my birthday and Chanukah. A birthday and Chanukah card, too.

First of all, Tom said Tammy called last night. She wanted to wish me a happy birthday, but I had crashed already. She teased me and they talked about the computers for a bit. Also, she claims to have gotten me a card, but it came back to her cuz she forgot to put a stamp on it. Right! She never got a card. I know her and she does this every year. Lisa accidentally threw it out, or it got lost, or some excuse, but that’s OK.

Ma sent mostly household items. Why do they keep sending me perfume stuff? Don’t they listen? Better yet, don’t they know their own daughter’s got allergies?

Anyway, there were about 3 perfume candles and two candleholders. I kept one of the candleholders but gave the other one and the candles to Andy. He and Laura love that kind of stuff.

She also sent some little glass bottles I had no use for, so Andy took those, too.

She sent a little pen holder that I kept and two really pretty little tiny plant pots. They’ve got flowers painted on them.

She sent 5 T-shirts and I gave one to Andy. I have sooooooo many of them. So I went and gave Tom some old T-shirts to use for rags. The T-shirts she sent, though, were really nice.

Lastly, if I’ve remembered everything, she sent stuff for fixing the part of the flagpole I broke. The round cylinder that goes around the pole to make the flag pivot and not wrap around the pole like it’s been doing.

Tom says he’s gonna mow this weekend and then we can fix the flag. I hope! Then I’ll begin picking up stray materials over the yard that were from when he was doing the roof.

Also, when I got up, Tom had left a message saying that Bunny kicked the side of the cage out and was out in the back room. I really wanted to beat the shit out of that rabbit. Better yet, throw her out back, but Tom taped the side of the cage up really well. We also discussed building their new cage, once again, and it should be cheaper than we anticipated since we can use parts from this cage. I really want to get Bunny a bunny harness and we probably will be getting that in a couple of weeks, along with just two kitty mugs, since I’m stocked up on journals. We still need to use any money we get for Christmas presents for his family and my teeth.

Miraculously, once again, it doesn’t look like Bunny hurt anything.

Tom and Andy think Bunny may be a boy and Tom thinks Piggy may be a girl. Piggy’s a boy, I still think, but yes, Bunny could be a boy.

Last night at 2 AM, Andy came over. He and I had some coffee and some spag I made, while we exchanged stuff. As I knew he would, he loved the Halloween stuff Ma sent me. He didn’t really care for the pineapple flags any more than I did, so that and one of Laura’s shirts will be left in a bag by the mailbox that he’ll mail my NPNs from.

Laura had two shirts, a long pair of gray jeans and a white pair of shorts for me. Like I said, I didn’t like one of the shirts and that’ll be by the mailbox. One of them was OK. It was a flannel, long-sleeved shirt with tiny black numbers on a pink background. I was shocked that the shorts and the pants were too big on me, as he described Laura as Brenda - tall and bone thin. Tom could wear the shorts and if I get fatter, I could wear them. The pants, I can wear with a belt, but they’re awfully long and baggy.

So, what did Andy get me? A birthday card, which I’ll copy in what he wrote in it in a minute, a candy bar, and 3 journals. He wrote on one of the pages in one of the journals, too. The journal Andy got me that I already have is the one I’m currently in with the fairies and the stars and the bumpy purple-lined paper. So, now I’ve got 3 journals that I have two copies of. They’re all really nice and it’s nice to be stocked up on journals. I have 5 blanks after I finish this fairy one.

Tom wrote a page in one of the journals he got me, too. Here’s what Andy wrote in his birthday card to me:

Dear Jodi,

To my best friend in the whole wide world! I love you. I got your birth date right this year and I sang on key too and wrote a new song all within minutes. Totally inspired by having to sing They’re Coming To Take Me Away and wanting to sing it a new way, I came up with more magic. If not for you I would not have that new song. I would have just two words lying under the jellyfish in the sand. Bee’s learn how to use algebra while stinging people playing golf in Lexington, Kentucky but right now I’m in Pompano Beach, FLA on my imaginary tour.

Andy

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1996 When I got up, stickers were waiting for me. Tom got me these and musical note computer stationery. The notes go around the border. I hope I can get him to clean the printer, cuz when I use manual feed and not the tractor, it keeps going offline. He also made me a really nice cake and I got a $31 check from his mom.

Later…

Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you, Tom, and thank you, God! I not only had not one bit of irritation this morning when we screwed, but he got off!!! I’m so psyched and so happy right now, but I’ll write more later. I’m getting kind of beat.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1996 Sex this morning was fine. I felt a bit of irritation when he first went in there, but once he got moving, no problem. He didn’t get off, but I could tell he was really close. He said he wanted to, but just couldn’t get off and that he was frustrated. Do I believe him and that he didn’t fear getting me pregnant? Yes. He really seemed truly bummed, but we’re gonna be screwing again tomorrow. I don’t expect him to get off tomorrow and grant me my wish (I’ve wished for a month he’d get off on my birthday which is mid-cycle), but at least I was wrong about suspecting he wouldn’t touch me. Wouldn’t it still be just wonderful if he did get off tomorrow? Since I still don’t see how a miracle would happen if he did, I guess that’d mean entering that final step. However, I’m sure God’s not ready for me to enter that final step and I’ve got to remind myself not to get my hopes up of him cumming tomorrow, let alone a baby. I believe that God’s not done with me yet as far as this current step I’m on, though. I don’t think he’s done either punishing me or “testing” me, but oh how I wish I could know and see that I’ll be dead wrong! Please, God! For once, won’t you have a heart and let me move on? Let me have my dream and move on? Please don’t hold me back anymore!

I also hope that given the fact that Tom should be less worried about my irritation down there, pretty horny, and that we’re at the perfect angle for him to get off, he doesn’t consciously or subconsciously fear making a kid tomorrow, he should have no problem. I just hope to hell he isn’t teasing me by getting my hopes up, but I don’t think so. I think he honestly tried today and gave it his all, and I’m pretty sure he’ll do the same tomorrow.

I just hope and I wish – oh – stop it, Mystery! Remember what dreams are for and past patterns pertaining to your wishes and dreams and the fact that God still may very well hate you and have you under a curse or some kind of punishment.

Tom told me his opinion about the saying ‘God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle’. He thinks that’s just people’s way of encouraging others. You know, as if to say, go for it! That makes more sense, like I said, due to the fact that there have been plenty of suicide and homicide victims in this world.

I contemplated praying to God about tomorrow’s sex but opted not to. Why? Cuz if he really does get mad at me when I talk to him or ask him for something, I don’t want to egg him on. Also, fate is still fate, whether I pray or not and he already knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow. I can’t change his mind about what’ll happen tomorrow, either.

I talked to Andy last night and he said that tonight he’ll sing the funny farm song. My birthday song, more or less. He’ll also be over Thursday night.

Andy gave me Marla’s screen name over AOL. I could swear I’ve tried to find her over the membership list, but couldn’t, so Tom’s gonna help me on the 6th. As of the 6th, it’ll be unlimited service at a flat-rate fee. Andy also gave her my screen name.

Tom read what I wrote in my last entry.

Anyway, I’m gonna go do some cleaning, then I’m just gonna read and do puzzles.

Later…

Thanks, God. Now I can’t even watch TV while I’m eating popcorn or potato chips. I went to turn the TV on to an old rerun of Charlie’s Angels while I ate, but the reception was screwed up. Then I went to run through an old Norah tape of edits I’d made from different movies of hers and the tape got eaten up. Ironically, right before this, I didn’t pray to God for a kid, but I prayed for him to keep the irritation away cuz we wanted to have fun and try to make a kid tomorrow and this is what I get for it. This is no coincidence, either, and no one can convince me otherwise.

Why did I even bother? This is really all my fault. I should’ve known better and instead, I got what I asked for. Trouble. I hope I get compensated for this tomorrow, somehow, but I still feel quite certain of what tomorrow will bring - sex with no cumming. Not by him anyway. Oh, how I still wish I could end up wrong!

I think I’m gonna go do some singing in a while. Meanwhile, I wonder if my parents or anyone else will call tomorrow? If they do, though, they’re not gonna get me, cuz I’ll be asleep. I’ll tell Tom to tell anyone who may call that I’ve got a slight cold; no big deal, though.

I called Mom earlier. Tom’s mom, that is, and the people behind her dumped two more bunnies. One just like my bunny and a full-grown white one that’s about 4 pounds. I wouldn’t mind having the white one, but Bunny stinks enough, so we don’t need two bunnies stinking up the place.

Ma says she really likes the puzzles I gave her. She likes number puzzles and now that she’s got a lot of them, she won’t have to worry about running out of puzzles for a while.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1996 I already know now, that yes, my suspicions of what Tom’s gonna do over the next 5 days will be correct. He’s already proven this to me and his actions are just way, way too obvious about what he’s doing. I got up last night at 10:30 and guess who was still up? He was in the bathroom which I kicked him out of cuz I had to go. Then he told me he was just on his way to bed. See? It’s like he was waiting for me. Waiting to show me how late he’s gonna be staying up so he can be all the more tired in the mornings. Yet what did he say to me yesterday afternoon? That he was going to bed fairly early. Is this the kind of man I really want to have a child with? Can he handle it any more than I could? I don’t think so. If he can contradict the things he says to me, he’s just gonna do the same to that child. If he can promise me time and time again that he’s gonna finish the back room and other projects we started, what’s he gonna promise the kid? Well, it’s obvious to me that the TV, the computer, and doing for others are more important to him than any plans we’ve made. This doesn’t help me with being more consistent with things myself and of course, I could go through the list of reasons why I would make a lousy mother, but I won’t. You already know them.

He’s just gotten way too obvious about the fact that he does not want a child. Once again, I wish he would just stick to his word and the deals we make and fully level with me. Why does he have to jerk me around like this? Does it really give him such a laugh? He’s not even gonna try and I’ll bet he’ll be up before 4 AM, too.

I did not like what I saw at all when I checked the horoscopes on AOL. Like I said, they seem to be right on when they get into all the negative stuff. They did contradict themselves, too, and make references to things working out and getting what’s wanted, but for the most part, both our readings were all about arguments, tension, and turmoil in the household, not much romance in the marriage and marriage threatened by unpleasant suspicions. Well, I certainly do have my unpleasant suspicions and they began 2½ hours before they were supposed to. Actually, they began 6 hours earlier than they were supposed to, but I should’ve known he’d be up. He’ll be up till 10:00 or 11:00 for the next 4 days or so. Even his horoscope said he’s gonna feel pressured and to not give in to it or try to fulfill impossible dreams in romance. See, anyone who’s so pressured by something they claim to want obviously doesn’t want it. I can smell the fear within him from a mile away. Well, he can rest assured, cuz once again, I don’t want to have a child with the way he is or with the way I am and the longer things stay the same, the harder it is for me to handle changes, anyway.

Now’s my chance to go along with God and maybe get some respect from him. I wonder if I should tell him when he gets up that I don’t want to have sex over the next few days and beat him to it. I’ll tell him I’ll explain this in January. He told me in January I could strike any deal I wanted with him and he’ll stick to it no matter what. Right! He couldn’t stick to anything anymore than I could. In January, I’d tell him just what I’ve written. I don’t know what to do for sure. A part of me says to not jump the gun and to just play it by ear, but I already know what’s gonna happen over the next 5 days - nothing. Why wait and see what happens when I’ve already seen it and will continue to see it?

Besides, like I said and like I know, I’m sterile, anyway. And also, dreams are dreams. Dreams are for dreaming and not for reality. If dreams were for reality, no one would have any dreams.

I just don’t know what to do or say for sure. Asking God’s useless, cuz there’s no getting help from him, that’s for sure. He and Tom already have their minds made up for me and my fate is sealed.

I wonder what Tom would do if I was all over him this morning. Let me guess - he’d say he was too tired, but if he did screw me, he’d never get off.

I told Tom before Thanksgiving that I didn’t look forward to going cuz I knew I’d be bored shitless. The night before I wasn’t feeling good at all emotionally and physically and had been up 20 hours. He said that cuz I didn’t want to go, my body was making excuses. That’s just what his body and mind are doing right now.

How much do you want to bet, though, that if I told him what I just wrote, he’d deny it and say I was being cruel and that I was all wrong and turn it into an attack on me? Well, of course he’s gonna say that. Did I ever expect he’d come out and tell me, “Yes, you’re right? I stalled it all I could, due to still believing you’re fertile, but not wanting to deal with the possibility with you that you’re right about being sterile. Also, I do like to tease you and I do like to instill patience in you and try to control and change you. Also, I’m not sure I really want a kid all that bad. I had just been too afraid to tell you all this for fear that you’d leave me.”

The bottom line is this, I can’t help being angry at Tom and God. It’s the principle of the point. Even though I know I’m sterile, it still really pisses me off to see what they’re doing. It’s mean, it’s unfair and it’s depressing. I don’t want to pressure Tom into doing stuff he doesn’t want to do, but he makes it awfully hard for me when he won’t fully level with me and stick to his story or whatever he decides. Still, I have to try my hardest, harder than ever, to keep in mind that I’m sterile and just let God and Tom do their thing and not give in to it or let it get to me. This is gonna be a very hard task that I don’t know if I can ever do, but I’ve got to try.

I think what I’ll do is this. When he comes out staggering and moaning about how tired he is, that’s when I’ll tell him I don’t want to screw till after the 6th, and that I’ll explain how I feel after the first of the year.

Later…

I hate it when doctors’ offices call to reschedule appointments, cuz it’s not always easy for Tom to get me to them. We had to cancel Nielsen and bump him up to January 9th. This is cuz it’d be easier for Tom and there’s no way I could be there with the way my schedule is now. I just hope to hell I can make it to the dentist. These wisdom teeth have got to go.

Tom and I had a very nice chat this morning that really helped to clarify a lot of things in my mind and that helped make me feel much better. First of all, when he got up, it seemed like he was yawning big time and as I said before, I figured he was tired and wanted to be so it’d be impossible or hard to screw. So, I asked if we could lie down together at around 5:30, figuring that’d be enough time for him to digest. I thought then when I asked him this, there was a bit of reluctance in his voice, but he said yes. When we were lying down together, I felt tempted to tell him that I felt guilty and like I was pressuring him or making him feel uncomfortable. That’s the last thing I want the poor guy to have to feel. He said he was OK, though, so we got on with playing.

As I’ve mentioned before, I sometimes get irritation right around the opening, but it’s never prevented me from screwing before. Usually, I’m just somewhat aware of it as he first goes inside there, but once he starts moving, it’s fine. This time, though, it was pretty darn irritated from the get-go. I was gonna stop him a few different times, but then it got really uncomfortable, so then I stopped him. I was just really horny, needed to get off as I did, and didn’t want to deprive him. However, as the irritation escalated, he didn’t seem like he was into it, anyway. Panic gripped me right away after we got up. I really felt like it was God adding insult to injury (hurting me for having unprotected sex and not “obeying” him, even though I’m sterile. Also, cuz the birthday I wasn’t supposed to have is coming up). This is how I felt. Then, I let it all out about all I’d written earlier and he explained how and why I jumped the gun and he got me to see things I never saw on my own. For starters, he told me that due to my being wound up all night, that’s why the irritation was worse. I never would’ve thought of that as a reason if he didn’t point it out and he said I don’t have to wait a couple of weeks before we screw again.

At that moment, I also swore we’d always use rubbers cuz of the way I felt both he and God were either out to get me or had more on their minds about the idea of a kid than met my eye. Tom swears, though, that he isn’t trying to stall the kid, isn’t trying to change or control me before making the kid, and that the number of times we screw and screw with him getting off will increase.

He also explained to me that he wasn’t tired, he was into it, the sex was fine, and would’ve initiated sex if I hadn’t. He said that the reason he stood up last night was that he was caught up on his sleep and planned to go to bed earlier tonight, so he’d be up earlier on Tuesday. I told him I understood Tuesdays were out of the question and he said that’s not necessarily the case. That’s cool.

He told me that last night he was working on getting things done around here at a time when he felt awake enough and that there wouldn’t be any distractions. I guess he is really making more of an effort than I realized and gave him credit for, as far as getting stuff done around here and projects for us. I guess in a lot of ways, he really is more consistent than me. I couldn’t hold a job like he can.

I have mixed emotions about jumping the gun and being wrong like I was. I was wrong in a good kind of way, cuz I certainly wouldn’t want to be right about a bad feeling I had, but I feel bad about it all the same. I tried to think in my mind of ways in which it would appear in my mind that I was dead wrong. I thought of the shakes he’s been taking. I know they give him more energy, so I tried to ask myself if maybe that’s why he was awake. I think, though, from what he told me, he’s taking the shakes to have the energy for us to do stuff we like and want to do. He also likes the taste of those shakes.

Instead of getting mad at me and making us both feel worse, he really opened my eyes and made me feel better. I hope I didn’t hurt him, cuz that’s the last thing I’d ever want to do, no matter what I felt about him, and no matter if I was wrong or right. He said not to worry, things are still progressing nicely, and that we all jump the gun here and there. He's even jumped the gun on me, he told me. He said that when we were going to the dentist, he thought I’d get all worked up over it and assume the worst, but I didn’t.

I still feel, though, almost like I’ve got to be this whole different person, with a whole different set of beliefs and attitudes in order for us to have a chance at achieving our dreams. I just wish I had his attitudes, beliefs, and way of thinking. I wish I wouldn’t feel like I was gonna freak out and like it was the end of the world every other day. He says he understands, though, and is trying to make this a good week. I want it to be. I want us to be as happy as we can as often as we can. I don’t want to keep feeling like our sex lives, sex parts or reproduction parts are hexed, and that God hates me. I think Tom knows that even if said every day that I wanted to use rubbers, no matter what mood I was in, I don’t really want to do that anymore than I want to be a lawyer. I said that, though, out of fear and panic. I felt that if I didn’t, God would do something else to me or us that could be much worse than before. Tom says, though, we don’t have to use rubbers. I think he knows, too, that no matter what I say, I do want a kid, I think he does, too (more than I realize at times) and I think we both also know, that we wouldn’t quit on the kid or stall on taking care of it, just cuz I may stall on exercising and he may stall on the back room, yard or whatever. I think we both know that the more something’s important, the more we have to deal with it and keep up on it. I know, for example, that he’d never stall on getting my meds, just cuz he felt like watching TV or playing on the computer. If we put off stuff like that, then we could worry about ourselves.

I just hope from now on that I won’t get these paranoid feelings about Tom or God and that they’ll lessen, but I know I can talk to Tom as soon as they come on. And better yet I hope that our sex lives will increase in both frequency and juice volume and even better yet, I hope it produces a kid. I have my fears about a kid. We all do, and mine are just as normal as anyone else’s. However, I still want it and I still think that while it may ruin most couples, it’ll help Tom and I both together and as individuals probably more than we ever thought. I don’t know how I’d get on schedule, but if Tom says I will, I have to try to give him the benefit of the doubt, cuz he’s been right before on things I doubted would or could work out.

I also hope that I can adopt more of a wait-and-see-what-really-happens attitude. Maybe if I remind myself more often of how I swore I’d never get out here, get married, or that he’d cum, it’ll help wean me over to a maybe I can get pregnant after all kind of attitude. I hope so, but I hope even more so that it happens, cuz then I’d have no choice but to believe it. Then I could move on to fearing a miscarriage, but at least I’ll have moved on and at least I’ll be pregnant and know I can conceive.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1996 I finally got the 21 puzzle books I ordered a long time ago. Great deal for only $14. I went through them all and picked out the ones I don’t want for Ma. Also, there’s an all-number-find one I’m gonna give me and a soap opera one for Andy.

I’m gonna have a lot of stuff for Andy. When I see him soon, I’ll give him a show I taped for him and my nearly 30 NPNs to mail out. I’ll show him new journals and mugs, as well as Bunny, of course. I’ll show him the upside-down mug, too. For his birthday, I’ll give him all that Halloween stuff from my folks, the soap puzzle book, and the journal.

I took down my “self-improvement” list from the bathroom. I don’t want Andy to see it and I have it in my journal, anyway.

Got most of the laundry done and the grocery list made up. Now I’ll back up to yesterday morning.

Tom got up at 6:30 and didn’t touch me, as I figured. Before he went to bed at 9:00 last night, he did say something about how he wanted to catch up on his sleep, but we’ll see, like I said, how serious he is about that and what he has in mind.

I was very tired but managed to drag my ass outa here, nonetheless. We went to see Carol and Steven before they left for California. I’m glad I got to see them. Matthew’s really grown since I last saw him. It was nice to see Ma, too.

We also stopped at an auto parts store, cuz Tom needed something for the car.

We agreed I’d get two journals and a kitty mug for now, but we didn’t go to any bookstores yet. We did go to Pet Smart and I got my first mug with a puppy and a kitty on it. It’s really cute and has lots of detail in it, too. They’re sitting in a wicker basket with a blue/white checkered cloth. There are also green and red apples with jars of jam. It’s taken against a window, so you can see the trees in the background just outside the window. The only thing about it that’s not too cool is the way it’s centered. The dog and cat are in the middle of the mug, more or less, so when you’re holding it, you see a part of the basket and mainly the fruits.

Tom brought up examples of what he calls cranky. Well, Lisa called and wanted to sing me a song. She does sing better than most people. Especially for her age, but hit a lot of notes off-key, to my surprise. I told Tom this. Then I asked him why a certain picture on the computer of Gloria seemed long. He calls this cranky? How can expressing an opinion and asking a question be called cranky? He says it’s in the tone of voice. Well, then I guess every word I say must sound cranky to him, cuz I talk louder and more aggressively than some people. Especially him. So, that’s when I broke down and asked him why his story about the job changed since we were on the subject of explaining things to each other so we could better understand each other. I forgot what he said about it, but it did make perfect sense. Something about the job becoming more spontaneous to him so we’d spontaneously have sex more often and, therefore, not have to worry about hitting it right. I asked him if wanted to pick up on the job again, or just have sex whenever, and he said it was too complex of an issue to get into at that time. Personally, I’m still sick of the whole thing and I don’t care what we do or what happens. I just want to get on with life and get out of past ruts that are too old and that have bad emotions that go with them.

Later…

It’s been nice and quiet around here, except for the constant intrusion of those two dogs.

Tom’s gone now to drive his mom to church, then to go to the racetrack.

We screwed earlier, but he didn’t get off. Remember, he believes I can get pregnant, so maybe my approaching this time frame either consciously or subconsciously got him a bit nervous. Tomorrow will begin his 5-day test to see if he’s more serious than I thought, or does appear to be stalling. My guess is there’ll be a 50/50 chance we’ll screw over the next 5 days and a 0% chance he’ll cum over the next 5 days. What a wonderful birthday gift it’d be if he came on my birthday! I know better, though, cuz I want him to bad enough. If he did, though, that’d mean entering that final phase. He’d deny it, though, and say we just didn’t hit it right. Or maybe I’d have another two weeks of spots. I wish so bad that he’d cum on the 3rd, 4th & 5th! He could never cum 3 days in a row, though. He can’t even do it two days in a row. It seems he only does it once every two weeks. He did mention something about going to bed fairly early, but I don’t know. I still say he’s gonna be hurting and awfully tired starting tomorrow. Having sex on Tuesdays is out of the question, though, cuz that’s the day he gets up really early and works long hours.

[writer-motivator]

While…. I might not have the urge to write anymoreee. I still want to! Like. It’s annoying honestly when I got all these good ideas but I AINT WRITING IT. why honestly….? Like especially for like. The shiny idea where he sees the mark in her eyes, which is SO FUN, and I actually have an idea of where to start it! But I guess, as soon as I think about…. actually writing it. I go blergh. Cuz it’s not like. Completely…. Urgh how to explain this…..

So like. You have an idea. It’s like. “R kisses M on the lips” and it feels straight forward but like. When you’re going to write, you don’t know where they are, you don’t know exactly how to write it.wnd mmmh. This isn’t the perfect explanation, as I do know like. What kinda of happens but it’s just. The words isn’t there….? Like I have to actively think about it. Like how exactly to start. I don’t have any clear thing to grasp on.

And that’s! Like annoying! It’s energy taxing! I don’t like it! I’d rather not work on it! I like it when I have somewhere to start. But also, I guess I do. Like I could literally go “He grabbed her hand” I guess there’s something else at work here. Mmmmh. Let’s try and get to the bottom of it.

Cuz like yeah, I know how the scene will go and stuff. I guess it’s more like… it’s not smooth? Like I know that he could possibly grab her hand, that I could start with that. But it isn’t exactly an opening I want. Like im not…. Sure? If that’s the word. Mmmmh.

Ah, I think it’s more like trail and error thing. Cuz there are many ways that I could open this with…. Like idk what to…. No that’s not right explanation either but on the right lines….

Was just scrolling through my wips and. I think I got it. It’s like yeah I have like. Openings that I could work on. But it’s just that, thinking about where to start. Requires. Actually thought. So like, I don’t want to bother with actually writing it physically it and rather stew on it, poke at it…. like until I actually get like. A line that I could work with. Sometimes, it takes time. HUH. that is really good discovery to make. Because it has always been so frustrating when like — I have this idea, but I don’t write it. Because I just… can’t. In simple form.

Huh, so like. At least. Knowing this, it makes that frustration not bubble up. I’m feeling instantly better rn. And it has… freed me at this idea? Like suddenly feel like I can crack on it, but more in a way of like…. Idek what im on here but suddenly feeling urge of WANTING to work on this and solve this opening problem heh.

I wonder how I could. So like. I want… ahhh…. okay. so I know I want it from her pov, I did ponder like. Maybe his. But it’s better if it’s like hers. And this is like during maybe when she helps him sleep — I honestly haven’t decided on that and it’s a flexible thing — but REALLY. like that he’s there when he gets an…. Oh…. OH….. I really wanna write a thing about ep5 when he’s THERE when she wakes up! but I don’t want that for this idea, mmmh. but I did want to write something else about ep5, too, like about the whole waking up hugging. it would be fun to dig into his pov then. but urgh his pov in part2 is so hard to write for me :( wait I guess his pov in general is hard to write LOL but part….. two…. Part two….. I guess it would be a fun challenge

aNYWAYS to go back to that idea. so like. idk, but the thing is that i really would like him to be THERE while she has a memory, and like. be like what’s wrong??? when she gets the ~dizzy~ spell heh. and like from her pov, it would be so good to write his reaction. the way she doesn’t know why he’s acting like this and just… assumes it’s cuz of her dizzy spell. BUT NO. org, I thought that this would be when he realises but no no I realise that. He wouldn’t. Like the confusion???? The way the mark disappears????? Of course he’d think that he saw something that wasn’t there. Cuz he wanted that. Heh 🤭

And it’d be so fun to write. I guess I should focus now is like…. The beginning part. Like. What leads to like. Her being there before she’s getting the memories. That part is… completely blank for me. Mmmh. I think that’s important for me to figure out, it’d put things into place — cuz like, having that. I can see where they are better before that scene.

As much as I do like it to be a “helping him sleep” plot, I don’t want it for that. Since that feels more like awkward, distance and not-distance distance ahaha. And seems idk too convenient, it’s boring !!!! to me !!! . And plus o want to explore that in another fic so….

oh I really like it if they had something like ep5 that scene where he sees her walking around and just Watches her. ahhhhh, I really do like something for them that like. causes them mmmh to like be outside together! go on lunch! it would be so FUN to explore and like the way it :) leads into the he sees the mark scene :) oh I LIKE THAT

but mmmh. now to actually think about…. what they are doing and like what leads them to that moment. I KNOW that this is like first so actual official time that they are Doing considering how he’s so distant and barely home. yeah. so v delicious thing to bite into. I don’t think I want it to be an external force that makes them so, and I don’t think I like it to be a “coincidental” meet up.

I think I do like the idea of her asking him to go somewhere and initially, maybe he refuses but like. Idk. It depends on what she’s asking. I think im getting more of a picture as to what to write. IM SO HAPPY. and this has been much helpful! I think I’ll adopt this approach in other ideas.

Ahhhh let’s try it for this ss one I have. Where I did mentally write it, but LOL forgot. Well, it’s more accurate to say that it “faded” away. Yeah. Anyways heheheheh let’s GO. I will try this one mentally to see how it goes. Whether me physically writing the process of thought does change. Things. Mmmmh. 11:39

[ajaxswifee]

YOURS, ONLY YOURS. - insert a character

Author’s note: Sorry for this being short. I would’ve made this longer except for the fact that I had little ideas for this short story. I love writing yandere stories. By the way, the story has multiple implications that the character is male. (Maybe I should’ve not specified the character’s gender, but I had a certain character in mind while reading this, then proceeded to not put the character I had in mind in the story, why? I’d give you an answer if I had one)

Read the warnings, this story includes content that can be uncomfortable for certain people.

WARNINGS: Mentions of killing, yandere themes, messed up relationships, imprisonment, violence. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ANY OF THE FOLLOWING.

You ran down the seemingly never ending hallways, you’d been in this nightmare a thousand times over; yet this time it wasn’t a nightmare. Nothing more than the brutal nature of reality.

At this point it was either side with the killer, or become the focus of their killing. And of which, none are exactly appealing. But choosing was for people who had options. Not people like you.

While you were running for your life as fast as you can, his footsteps were slow and steady. His laughter bounced off the walls, echoing in your mind. You’d been here before, hadn’t you? So why did you not remember the layout of the house?

Goddammit.

You had no time to rack your brain, though, not with that psychopath following you.

You ran to the closest door, slamming it behind you as quick as you could. You quickly locked the door and put chains on it, hearing his footsteps speed up as he let out a laugh of amusement. How was this laughable in the slightest?

You didn’t have to be a genius to figure out it wasn’t gonna be long before he broke in with brute force. The only thing stopping him, was his love for chasing. One creepy thing about him, he’d let you run as far as you want only because he finds fun in your fear. You know he’d drag you back the moment he got bored, that’s why you had not time to loose; he was never a patient man.

Your eyes were locked on the door as you heard his footsteps finally reach the chained up door, a loud slam accompanying it.

“Darling, you don’t seriously think a locked door can stop me, do you?”

He anticipated a response, you didn’t give him one. Your eyes darted around the room, looking for any escape exit.

There.

A window. It was slightly pried open, air flowing in through the room. Despite the fact that it was slightly open, it was by a stick’s size open. There was no way even your hand could fit in there.

“Hey, you’re not ignoring me are you? If you were, I’m afraid we’re going to have to cut our fun short. It’s no fun when you don’t reply.”

You go up to the window. You quickly put all your strength into opening the window, hands gripping so hard your knuckles were turning white. You found that all his comments and threats and the loud slams against the door became background noise when you finally opened the window and your mind screamed, FREEDOM.

You crawled through the space, halfway through when you were dragged back by the ankle, back to reality.

“Aw, you were almost though there, too.”

You thrashed against him, trying to get out of his inhumanly strong grip.

He closes the window effortlessly while keeping you in place, the angry expression turned to horrified the moment he closed the window. Your reactions made this whole thing stupidly laughable.

“Oh, don’t be too sad. Even if you had gotten through that window and made to safety, how long do you think it’d be before I found you again? You really don’t learn from your past mistakes, do you?”

“Let me go!” You yelled at him. What use would it make? Screaming at him like that only fed his urge to keep you here, and he wasn’t even planning on letting you go in the first place. Which imbecile told you could simply command things like that? He’d be sure to get rid of them. He can’t have you having these silly ideas that you could escape, could he?

“See, I really don’t see a reason why I should. I can’t replace someone as precious as you, y’know. After all, you are the one only one who- No. you are the only who CAN show me this addicting feeling, now there’s just no turning back.”

That was sadly true. You were the only one who can show him this feeling without him, well, ripping out your vocal cords out. He actually craved your affection, if anyone else showed him the same love he ONLY went to you for, he’d rip their head right off their neck. Don’t worry, the only heart he wants is yours! Yours, and only yours.

- some random story about whatever guy you want. I wanted to write a story, but I had zero idea what to do when thinking of a story, and in the making of it. Sorry if this is bad.

[springalwayscomes]

Not even a gift

Plot: Since the moment Jungkook saw your ass he swore he never saw something that beautiful. But then you turned around, and well, that was a total different thing. The poor man couldn’t even stand beside you without embarassing himself or embarassing you, and evey time seems to get worse and worse and...worse. 

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Dancer AU, Fluff, Humor, Smut, One Shot

Wordcount: 30k

Content Warning: Jungkook can’t stop embarassing himself, swearing, sexual innuendo, sexual tension, awkard situations, masturbation, sexual fantasies, a lot - a lot - of fluff, Reader with stress issues, overwhelming parents, trust issues

A/N: I wrote this when I was just joining the fandom, last year for Kookie’s birthday. I remember wanting to pst this so badly but it stayed in my drafts because I wasn’t sure it was good enough and I was a little insecure about the ending. I told to myself that someday I’d rewrite a new ending and post this, but knowing myself and how I work with my writing, I know that that day will never come because even if did so, I’ll probably end up with not liking my style of writing anymore and editit all out, leave it like this or delate it. So I told myself that I’d rather prefer to publish it. cause at the end this story was incredibly funny to write - sometimes I would laugh all alone like an idiot while writing it - and to be honest I think it’s pretty good. It’s the very first fanfiction I wrote about BTS so it’s also very meaningful for me. For reasons as the ones I already mentioned I decided to not edit this, so you might find some grammatical errors, please understand that this was the first time I wrote something from scratch in english. If you’d like to read it in episodes I’m going to publish it on youtube as a series too, where you’ll be able to live the full experience of the story since there you can visualize it too, as for the story it’s exactly the same as here. Enjoy reading this one, I know you’ll have fun!

Watch the first episode on Youtube

Since the moment Jungkook saw your ass he swore he never saw something that beautiful. It wasn’t just fit and solid, it was the way you were moving it on the beat, making it look like something he’d die to touch, squeeze, hold.

That was the very first thing he noticed about you.

He couldn’t help but fantasize how you’re face would look, watching your back from the doorframe of the ballroom. He imagined you sweat, little drops forming on your forehead caused by the the movements. He tried to focus his attention on the other dancers, fixating his gaze on the girl beside you making the exact same moves as you, but something about your presence kept on calling him like you were a mermaid and he was a poor sailor.

His dark doe-eyes ended again on your body, being in the last row it was hard for him to find your reflection in the mirror, other bodies moving endlessly making him grimace. He was running out of time, the poor man got stuck in traffic on his way here, already twenty minutes late, and god knows why he stopped looking at you dancing.

He shook his head when even after the music stopped your back was still facing him, not that he minded, but he was really dying to know how your face would look like.

Someone must have been both incredibly hungry and in love with him, cause a second later, you were bending over, resting your elbows on your thighs and giving him an even more beautiful view of your ass while trying to catch your breath. 

Breath stuck in his lungs, Jungkook gulped hard, making his adam’s apple jump up and down.

The girl next to you said something that made you laugh, back invaded by the spasms of your laughter, something he couldn’t hear because of all the talking that was going on in the room. He wished he could. He imagined your voice, soft and sweet, and soon enough is mind was already wondering about your features.

Snorting and getting out of his trance, he remembered himself he had to practice. Ready to take the first step away from the ballroom which he didn’t belong to, he shook his head a second time and turned, ready to leave his thoughts about you in that room and never meet them again.

But a second song started. And this time, he recognized the beat. Holding his breath again, he faced the entrance with a speed that got him shocked by himself.

Your hips were moving again, slowly and sensually, hands drawing abstract shapes in the air, hair attached to your skin. Your sweat shorts were doing nothing to hide your skin from his dark eyes, all he could think about was the way it seemed to shine under the lights of the room and the way your sweat would make it look even more glowing.

He hissed through his teeth, trying to push away the though of his hands against your skin, the way he’d like to trace your thighs with his fingers, leave pecks against your body and mark your hips with his lips. He brought his gaze back on your ass, sinful eyes burning against your skin and jaw clenching, Jungkook licked his lips and watched you arch your back before bringing your left leg to your head, holding it with your hands as you tiptoed your right foot.

«How long have you been here?»

He literally jumped, locking his gaze with whoever gave him a heart attack. Standing beside him, looking at him with his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes wide were Yoongi.

«I-»

«You know this is the wrong room, right?» he looked at him with a blank expression, trying to understand what Jungkook was actually doing standing at the doorframe of a different studio, without even caring about the fact he should be practicing with him and the others.

«I know, I was just... looking around.» he managed to let out, before taking a deep breath and stepping towards Yoongi.

The moment he realized he was rocking a half-hard just by his previous sight, he clenched his jaw and gulped again. If Yoongi had already noticed his situation then he wouldn’t know cause his face was no longer on him, neck turned to peek into the room that stole the maknae’s attention before. The youngest one used that moment to bring his bag in front of him, and then headed to their dance class trying not to draw too much attention.

That was the first time he saw you.

Jungkook dropped his bag to the ground as soon as he entered his bedroom, removing his sneakers and his socks he headed to his bathroom in a matter of seconds, begging to feel the cold drops of water wash away all the sweat on his skin and the heat of his body, even though the last one wasn’t because of the workout.

His cock was aching, so damn hard and throbbing against his sweat pants.

He wished they finished their practice just a few seconds sooner. Dancing was a pain in the ass today, all he wanted to do was head back to your doorframe and peek at you, loose his gaze on your body, trying to steal a glance of your face.

But still, it didn’t happen. He couldn’t help but think about how’d you look during the three hours of rehearsals, he thought about it so much that now he had a clear image of you in his mind. And it was pretty platonic, almost inaccessible.

He removed his shirt and his pants, letting them fall on the ground, and then turned on the water, already hooking his fingers under the elastic band of his boxers. He was so hard that it ached.

Jungkook took a deep breath and palmed himself through the material, immediately hissing at the touch. Deciding it was not enough he let the cloth slowly fall to the ground, creating a wall around his ankles that he surpassed in a second getting in the shower.

He didn’t waste time on lathering, he just shut the glass door and closed his eyes while bringing his hand to his shaft. The fingertip of his thumb collected the precum leaking out of his slit, moving over his head and making him clench his jaw shut, breath already uneven.

He though about the way you moved your hips, he’d like to hold them tight and down on the bed while fucking into you. He’d take such a good care of you. He’d fuck you so good, making you whimper and moan every time he’d hit your g-spot, he’d squeeze your ass in his big hands, leaving marks as a reminder of his touch. He’d kiss your skin, he’d kiss your neck and he wouldn’t even mind tasting the sweat caused by your rehearsals today, but in his mind, that’d be caused by what you two are doing.

Jungkook groaned and stroked himself, bringing his hand now to his base and tightening his grip around his girth. Throbbing, pulsating cock begging to release all his seed.

His movements were firm and clear, his fist moving so fast that his wrist was hurting, head falling back, mouth agape and eyebrows knitted together. The sound of his movements blended with the clatter of the water, his shoulders raising from time to time because of the heavy breathing, hips bucking against his hand. He wished it was you, the only part he’d seen of you, he desperately wished he was fucking your ass, so, so hard he’d make you whine and cry in pleasure. He imagined the sounds you’d made, and even though he didn’t even know how your voice sounded or how you looked, he already knew that it’d be his new favorite sound.

«Fuck» he groaned, fucking his cock in his hand even harder, moving his hips and meeting his hand halfway. He bit his lower lip, flesh aching and almost bleeding under his teeth, bringing his free hand to his heavy balls and massaging them. His pace fastened even more if it’s possible, his hips were snapping so hard into his hand picturing your ass in its place, he was so close he could taste it. He pictured your body bent over his bed, taking him so nicely, moaning out loud and clenching around his greedy cock, so needy and so damn wet for him.

«God, fuck» he growled, shoving fast into his hand. He wished he knew your face, he’d like to picture you taking his big cock in your lips. He already know they’d look so damn beautiful around his girth, gagging and drooling for him, he’d hold your head still and fuck himself into your pretty lips so good, letting you eat all of his seed.

That, that was what brung him to his apex. Abs contracting and rough breath, muscles tightening and eyes squinting, lips open letting out low groans.

«Fucking hell»

Hot white spatters stained his hand and chest as he rode his orgasm, keep shoving himself into his hand. The water washed away his seed, it disappeared so fast he didn’t even see it, and when he opened his eyes he took some time to catch his breath leaning against the wall behind him.

His mind went blank, for just a little. He couldn’t think of anything else than the idyllic orgasm he just had, just the thought of it made his cheeks flash red.

Then, the thoughts hit him. He didn’t even know your name, and here he was, masturbating over you. He was going to change that.

The second time Jungkook saw you he did  not rush out of his house thirty minutes earlier than he was supposed to. He couldn’t help but ask to himself what was going on with him, he certainly knew he never felt the need to see someone he didn’t even know. God, you didn’t even noticed him. Standing at the doorframe of your rehearsals room, looking at you move your body in such a charming way he swore he never see someone dance like that. Why were you in the last row? You deserved to be in the first one, that wasn’t fair. But, in that way he couldn’t see you, so he stored the information at the back of his mind. When you stopped your movements and you suddenly disappeared into the crowd, he again remembered to himself that he didn’t even know what he was doing.

Come on, was he really going to stand there for about other ten minutes and watch  you dance without doing nothing? He desperately wanted to know how your face looked, by now he could say he had a perfect picture of you in his head. And if he was right, you were probably the best thing he ever seen. 

Just the thought made him lick his lips, taking a deep nervous breath. He needed to talk to you. But what would he say? “Hi, I’ve been watching you dance”? Ew, definitely no. He tried to come up with other possibilities but his mind was totally blank, panic making his way through his thoughts and taking every part of him, leaving him only with sweaty hands and an adam’s apple gulping in his throat.

«Jungkook»

A voice made him turn, his gaze suddenly traveled to his right side.

«Oh, hey» he blurted out, Taehyung was staring at him with an arched eyebrow and inquisitive eyes.

«What were you doing?» the oldest one got closer, his hands in his pockets and a slight smile forming on his lips. Jungkook shook his head.

«Mh- I- waiting» he stuttered. His friend knitted his eyebrows looking at him for just a few seconds, then his gaze met the ballroom in front of them, where Jungkook’s was again scanning bodies, trying to find yours.

«Are you looking for someone?» Teahyung asked, receiving just a shake with his head from the youngest. But he knew better than that, he knew Jungkook well, maybe too much, he couldn’t even try to hide something from him.

When his eyes finally found you again, Teahyung knew it was you, he could just tell by the way he opened his lips, forming a little “oh”, his eyes never leaving your body.

«So you were waiting, uh?» he scoffed.

«Yes?» the maknae wanted to punch himself in the face, that was not supposed to come out as a question.

«Do you know her name?» Taehyung asked. He turned away in the blink of an eye, staring at him with wide eyes. It took him a few seconds to understand he’s been caught, but eventually he decided to just sigh and shake his head again. «Well, I know it» he shrugged like he had just said nothing. Jungkook looked at him with an unreadable expression, trying to understand if what he just heard was real or if he just imagined it. He studied Taehyung’s face like he was some kind of poem, carefully and thoughtfully, wisely looking for a hint to tell him he was just playing with him, but he really seemed serious.

«I can introduce her to you?» he turned to look at him, the youngest was playing with his fingers, eyes staring at the floor, all of his confidence seemed to fade away.

«Why?» he asked.

«What do you mean why?» Taehyung almost laughed at the maknae’s words, and he almost felt guilty. Almost.

«I- I don’t know...» he sighed. Why was he even acting like this? He wanted to talk to you, desperately wanted to know how your face looked like, his imagination was sending him crazy. How did he even ended up like this? He just saw you dance and his mind wasn’t his anymore, constantly wondering about your face. There was just something about you that was making him insanely curious.

«Oh, come on!» unexpectedly, the hyung grabbed him by his arm, making him almost loose his balance while dragging him into the room, taking big steps towards you. No one seemed to notice what was happening externally or inside of Jungkook, heart beating a mad pace, slippy hands like he just dipped them in the water, mind shocked and freaking out attempting to find anything, literally anything that could’ve helped him. Anything would’ve been good, anything for saving him from who knows what his mind was thinking, neither he could understand himself. He never felt more afraid to speak to someone in his life, he swore. Why was he even freaking out? He couldn’t find an answer in those few seconds that divided you from him, and he ended up behind you sooner than he realized. His body instantly tensed.

Teahyung, like the amazing friend he was, tapped your right shoulder, making sure to keep his grip tight on Jungkook’s arm, afraid he would’ve run away at the first opportunity. And he would’ve.

«Yes?» turning, you met the hyung gaze, two deep dark eyes staring at you, breath held in his throat. Damn, you were beautiful.

Oh, God.

That was the first thought that passed Jungkook’s mind when he finally saw your face, all of his fantasies immediately falling to the ground, breaking into a million pieces. He didn’t even know someone that beautiful could exist. His eyes staring at your face like some kind of piece of art. He definitely did not expect you to look like this, he did not see it coming. He thought you were beautiful, but God, not like this.

«Bye» that was the first and last word Taehyung blurted out, finally releasing Jungkook’s arm. Then, he simply walked away, like he did not just leave you two alone, like nothing. You raised your eyebrows, stunned by what just happened looking at the man head to the door and then simply disappear in the hallway. When you realized you were left with someone you couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable, shifting your gaze from the corridor to the man in front of you.

In that moment, Jungkook’s heart started beating even faster, if that was possible. His dark doe-eyes stared into yours for a few moments, not even blinking, mouth agape and breath caught in his throat. He looked like he just saw something... something really-

«Am I that ugly?» you blurted out.

When he realized you were actually talking to him, he felt the need to hide, run away, he wanted the earth to open under his feet and engulf him in. His cheeks flashed red, eyes finally starting to blink.

«No I-» his throat was dry, so he swallowed hard and tried to get a little bit of his nerve back.

«I-I just didn’t expect you to be like t-this»

What? Now he really wanted to hide, what the hell was he thinking? Nothing, his mind was totally blank. He didn’t even remember how to create an actually real sentence.

«Sorry?» you asked. Only then, he realized how your voice sounded, definitely lower than he thought. And he loved it.

«Uh- Oh God. I’m sorry»

And that was it, the end of your first conversation. Jungkook looked at your face for just a second more, than his legs did the job for him, he wasn’t even thinking straight, mind totally blown away and panic invading every rational part of him. He simply turned and started running away, disappearing in the hallway just like his friend did a matter of seconds before.

You grimaced, left standing in the rehearsals room, eyes following his tall and muscled figure until you were left with nothing but confusion.

What had just happened?

That was the second time Jungkook saw you.

He was drawing again, eyes fixated on the sheet in front of him, colors over colors over colors, sketches and shapes that apparently didn’t have any meaning. It was just a mess, overlapped lines with circles and circles with blurred shapes that he didn’t even know could exist.

He was desperately trying to take his mind off of what he had done, but it didn’t seem to work.

Probably, he was just taking everything too much to heart, and he knew that. He knew he was making a big deal of something stupid but he couldn’t help the way he was feeling.

Why did he have to act like that? Why did he walk away in that way? You possibly thought he was just some jerk playing around, and only that thought made him clench his jaw. But that was his last problem. Not only he did made you think he was an idiot, but he made you feel uncomfortable without even trying. The words you said and the sound of your voice kept on echoing in his mind like one of those stupid songs you can’t seem to send away.

Were you joking? Probably? Did he really made you think he was looking at you in that way cause you were ugly? God, you were way too far from that for him.

And above all of that, why did he even say something like that?

“I didn’t expect you to be like this”, God, what was he thinking about? And what did you think of that stupid sentence? Jungkook let out a low groan, the thoughts invading his head were making it impossible to focus on the drawing.

What the hell did Taehyung do? He said he was going introduce you to him, why did he left like that?

When Jungkook entered their rehearsal room the hyung simply smiled at him and winked in his way, like he had just made some kind of magic happen between you too. Well, it didn’t happen. Everything was just a fucking mess, and the biggest thing heaving on Jungkook’s shoulders was that that was the first time you ever saw him, the first impression you had about him. Now it was gonna be three times harder for him to even talk to you, let alone make a move on you. Jungkook didn’t even answer Tae’s wink, only wanting to end the rehearsals already and go straight home to drown into sleep. But it was late, and he certainly wasn’t sleeping.

Jungkook huffed letting his pencil hit the wooden table.

Was he going to try to change what happened or was he going to leave everything like that? Sure as hell, he wanted to know you. But he just couldn’t help himself, he never felt more frightened in his life to talk to a girl as now, and that feeling made him feel helplessly under pressure. What was he even going to say if every time he opened his mouth, all that was coming out were awkward words? Your face added to the sound of your voice made him look like a poor moron, and he knew deep inside of him that that was your effect on him. It was going to happen again, he knew it. He needed to find a way to not ridicule himself and not make you uncomfortable every time he opened his mouth.

«What?» Yoongi’s eyes have never been wider than now looking at Jungkook. Now, the maknae was desperately looking for advices, and he knew that Jimin and Yoongi were the right persons for this kind of situation.

«You really did that?» Jimin let his mouth hang open, eyebrows raised.

«Yes» Jungkook sighed «I don’t know what’s wrong with me, God.» Yoongi and Jimin looked at each other, both of their expressions stuttered by what the youngest had just told them. «How can I fix this? I mean I-»

«First, stop dwelling.» Yoongi interrupted his endless rambling, firm tone and eyes pointing directly in his. Jimin nodded. «You’re thinking too much. I mean, do you even think she noticed all of this? Are there any chances she probably already forgot your face?» his words made the maknae feel better for just a bunch of seconds. Maybe you already forgot him. It was a good thing, right?

«You think so?» why did he sound disappointed? Yoongi raised his eyebrows and nodded.

«And if she remembers you, all you need to do is go and talk to her, you can fix this Kookie» Jimin smiled at his friend.

«And say what?» his voice came out louder than he thought, almost breaking in the middle. He was just not that positive. He messed up, and there was something inside him telling him that that was not goin to be the last time.

«Anything?» Jimin made it seem so simple «I mean, anything is better than what you said» he added. Jungkook shook his head. «Sitting here is not gonna fix this» he said again, then taking a sip from his hot coffee.

«I can’t-» his voice suddenly stopped working, his throat holding the words in. His eyes shifted from the wall he was staring to to you, walking into the cafe on your high heels, jeans sticking to your legs like they were handmade just for you, a little bit of messy hair because of the wind running through the streets of the city, hanging from your shoulders. Eyes moving into the cafe like you were desperately looking for something, maybe someone.

«What? It’s her?» Jimin whispered, slightly stretching on the table to get the maknae’s attention. Yoongi simply avoided asking, he knew he wasn’t going to get any answer. So he just turned around looking for your figure in the crowded little shop. When he finally found you, he knew it was you. He had already saw you the other day, and he saw Jungkook’s pants too, but he kept it to himself.

Smirking, he stood up, eventually bringing back Jungkook from his own world. He watched his friend take long steps and cross the room, and his hands started to sweat again, even more than the day before. Yoongi surpassed you just a step before you were in line for the bar, almost making you step on him.

Rude.

Jungkook could already feel himself going crazy, him and Jimin staring at the scene in silence dying to know what Yoongi had in mind. He saw you stretch over his shoulder trying to take a look at the pastry, in the meantime Yoongi stepped towards when another client left the line. Time seemed to slow down for how much it was taking for every single client to order, Jungkook’s agitation growing bigger every second.

When Yoongi’s turn arrived he still couldn’t understand what was going to happen, watching him through the crowd and shifting his gaze from him to you from time to time was definitely not working. He caught Yoongi talking to the employee and a second later he was paying and turning around with who the hell knows what in his big paper cup. Keeping his eyes on the floor and faking distraction, he stepped on your foot and when he raised his head all he did was giving you a shocked look.

Then he did it, making the maknae line wide their eyes like they were four lighthouses, Jungkook literally hold his breath for what it seemed to be like years. His drink was on your clothes, soaking you, your drenched black shirt dripping on the floor. Your face shattered when you realized you were actually soggy, Yoongi gave you an apologetic smile and then he walked out of the cafe as if nothing had just happened. He really hoped Jungkook would understand it was his turn. Well, again, he didn’t. He just stared at you, your face still in shock and your moth forming the shape of an “o”, people surpassing you on the line without even glancing at you. Jimin shook him awake from his trance making him grimace and pushing him from his chair.

«Go, go, go!» he silently screamed moving his hands in the air. “Oh, lord” was all he could think while looking at you standing still and a scared Jungkook walking uncertain.

You stepped to the side when you noticed people kept on surpassing you giving you upset looks since you wouldn’t move from the line, it only took you a few steps to the side to rush into someone. Your shoulder hit his chest and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. It was just not your day.

«I- I’m sorry?» the voice came from beside you, the man standing still against your right shoulder without even moving. What was supposed to be a statement came out as a question and Jungkook wanted to punch himself again. You had to back away to create a little bit of distance before lifting your gaze to him.

When you saw him, it took you nothing to remember him.

«You? Again?» you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. You were not this rude usually, you just weren’t that type. But today definitely wasn’t your day. First, someone surpassed you, you just said nothing because you weren’t the type to argue for something so stupid, you even justified him thinking maybe he didn’t notice you. Then he spilled his tea on you, and without even helping you he just ran off as if nothing had happened. Now, him. Was this some kind of joke?

Jungkook couldn’t help but frown at your words, silently and slowly making their way through his body until they reached his intestine and tangled every part of his guts together.

«I- I’m sorry?» he said again. What? You locked eyes with him, cocking a brow at him.

«What are you even sorry for?» you sighed, bending over the table in front of you and grabbing a tissue from the plastic container. He brought his gaze to his friend, eyes still wide and throat completely dried. Jimin showed him a thumb up and suddenly shifted his gaze, in a second he turned around with his cheeks now red. When Jungkook turned again he hissed through his teeth, you did not just caught them and you weren’t staring at him with an even more confused look.

«I- I can buy you some coffee?» he blurted out, his voice cracking in the middle of the question making it almost seem like a prayer. Your lips formed an “o” again, suddenly looking down at your clothes and rushing to clean them with that little tissue. You were just thankful it wasn’t hot, whatever thing it was. Jungkook stood there still like a rock, scared of moving and making everything even worse.

«No, but thank you.» you sighed at the sight of your drenched black shirt, drops on your jeans. What were you going to do now? You had to go to work in thirty minutes, you didn’t have time to go back home and change into something else, your boss was already going crazy with all the work he had to, his reaction at your delay wasn’t something you wanted to experience.

«Please?» Jungkook’s voice seemed to light something in you, lifting your eyes and locking them again with his. That was the moment you really noticed his beauty. And he was just that beautiful. In the meantime, he was really trying not to break out and scream, his tongue was just moving by itself. His mind was totally blank and his hands were so sweaty that they would probably as wet as the shirt you were wearing.

«I don’t have time for coffee now, but thank you.» you declined again, trying to bring a smile on your lips but failing. You sighed and turned, making your way out of the cafe in a matter of seconds. Jungkook stood there with his eyes still wide, watching you walk away and trying to catch just that little bit of air enough to make him survive. It was only when Jimin’s face appeared in front of him that he seemed to realize you weren’t there anymore, and in a second his legs made the work for him again, running out of the cafe like a mad man. What was he even doing? What the hell?

Jimin followed him rolling his eyes, all his hopes that his friend had made it hitting the ground. He had never seen Jungkook like that, not even when he dated that girl he had a crush on for a year. Jungkook had always been charming, he never had that much problems with a girl, there had been times he was more shy, but he had always found a way of breaking his barriers.

This time there was just something different.

When he saw you on the sidewalk his legs fastened even more and he only stopped when he was behind you, quickly grabbing at your wrist and turning you around in an abrupt yank that got Jimin to stuck on place and grimace. He even heard you squint from where he was, and he certainly didn’t miss the smack of your hand on his face once you turned and faced him.

Jungkook’s face heated up, suddenly loosening his grip on your skin and blinking a few times, staring into your eyes, his features unreadable. Silence suddenly seemed to fill the crowded street while you two looked at each other, your face looking regretful the second you realized it was him and not someone who was trying to steal your purse or rape you during full day.

Jungkook was at a loss of words, and when he realized now he had to say something, he panicked again.

«I’m sorry?» that was not happening again, he wanted to scream.

«You’re sorry?» you erupted like a volcano, your arm still in the air even thought his grip was no longer on it. Jungkook’s head slowly shook up and down, gulping harshly.

«What are you sorry for?» your question made him knit his eyebrows. Was it really so hard for him to form a real sentence? The answer was yes. His brain just didn’t seem to work.

«About the coffe?» now, he really wanted to scream and tear his hair out.

He had just scared you and hurt you and all he managed to say was “about the coffee”? What was that even supposed to mean?

«The coffee?» you narrowed your eyes at him, he brung his hand to the back of his neck scratching it.

«The drink?» he said again. For god sake.

«Uh?» you just couldn’t understand. What was he even trying to do? He was sorry? Everything was just so confusing, and if last night you thought just a little bit about what happened yesterday with him, you were sure this was going to be in your head for the rest of the day.

«The drink Yoongi spilled on you?» why was every single one of his sentences a question?

«Who is Yoongi?» you whined without even thinking, but then you grasped it. The rude man was someone he knew. Was something wrong with his friends? First that one yesterday, now this Yoongi.

«Yoongi is-» Jungkook seemed to realize what he had just done and he stopped talking, letting out a tremulous breath. He just told you he knew the man who basically ruined your day. Great job.

«So, are your friends all like this?» you didn’t even know what you were doing, but the stress was just too much to handle at that moment. The man stared at you again, eyes shifting to every feature of your face.

«Uh? Wha- what?» he babbled. Jungkook was loosing it. And Jimin could see it from a block away. He wished he could do something to help him, anything to save the situation, but he just couldn’t. What would he even say, anyway? “Sorry, he just likes you so much that he doesn’t even remember how a normal human acts”? That wasn’t going to work.

«Are you friend with this Yoongi?» you asked. Jungkook nodded slowly, almost uncertain of what he was doing.

«And the one from yesterday was also your friend?» you asked again. This time he frowned, making you narrow your eyes.

«Taehyung?» he wondered, confusion blinking in his eyes.

«I don’t know, maybe? Was it his name? The one that poked me and ran away?» you sighed.

«But he- Oh. I can’t-» Reality hit him, and he had to take a deep breath to stop his dwelling.

«What?»

«I’m- I’m sorry?» there he was again. Was he kidding you? Just when he seemed to know other words, they were there again.

«You already said it, even though it doesn’t seem like you are.» you were really going crazy. Late for work, drenched, without your breakfast and with a charming guy talking nonsense in front of you.

«I am» his voice came out louder than expected, making you unconsciously squint and ward off a little bit.

«Well, thank you, I guess?» you glanced at the sidewalk, then again bringing your gaze to his face. The way the light of the sun hit his eyes made yours stare deep into them, the black pupils and irises almost fading with each other, the little sparkles of the light reflecting in them made them seem like one of the darkest nights, but with the brightest stars you’ve ever seen.

Your mouth ran dry when your gaze met his lips, a soft glow making them look even more captivating, you wondered if he was wearing a lip balm, a part of your mind wondering how it’d taste.

«I’m gonna be late for work» you mumbled. Jungkook shook his head.

«Okay» What? Are you serious, Jungkook? Okay? He visually grimaced at his own words, and for god knows why the corners of your lips raised up just the slightest at his awkwardness.

«I should go now» you gave him a little gentle smile and then turned, finally heading to your car. You had just taken a few steps on the sidewalk across the street when you turned away and realized he was standing still, eyes still fixated on you, but he wasn’t alone anymore. Maybe a friend of his? You hoped he wouldn’t hit you in the head, given the others. You crossed the street again, walking back towards the man and glancing at the ground feeling your cheeks reddening under his sight. 

You stopped a few steps away from him, raising your head and finally facing him. «I’m sorry too» you said, slightly smiling. «You know, for the slap» his lips formed an “o” but he quickly managed to smile, for the first time. And lord, what a smile he had. You swore you never saw something that beautiful. Your breath got stuck in your throat, heart madly beating in your chest, threatening to come out. And you didn’t even noticed, but your smile became a real one, wide and shining with its own light and reaching your eyes. Jungkook’s heart skipped a few beats just at the sight, his legs shaking under his body and a sudden feeling of warmth invading his chest, it was like his guts were back in place.

A drop of rain hit your forehead and in that moment you realized you really had to go, rain wasn’t something you could deal with now, not with your already soaked shirt and your delay. So you just turned again and walked away.

That was the first time you and Jungkook actually spoke to each other, kind of, I guess you could say.

«Didn’t you two talk?» Yoongi asked running a hand in his blonde locks. There they were again, but this time, thankfully Jungkook would say, they were in his house. He really didn’t know how to handle another one of his friends’ mishaps in your presence, not that he would’ve met you anyway, but here he felt more comfortable. It was normal for them to meet at someone’s place on a Friday night, it’s something they’ve always been doing for a long time that now it was like a tradition. Every Friday they would met and talk, even though they’ve been seeing each other almost every day. And now, it was no difference. Or maybe just one. You. Jungkook wasn’t talking about how much he was excited to perform or how much he loved the new choreography, he was talking about how embarrassing that moment was. Wait, those moments. Thanks to Taehyung, Yoongi and himself, now he had collected a few moments that really made everything seem awkward.

«We did but...» he groaned «Why did you have to spill your drink on her?»

«For you to go help her?» Yoongi made it seem so simple.

«How could I have helped her with her soaked shirt? She had to go to work and you ruined her morning. And if it wasn’t enough now she knows I know you! And you!» Jungkook’s voice cracked in the middle while pointing his accusing index finger towards Yoongi and Taehyung.

«What? How?» Yoongi couldn’t believe his ears. He gave him a chance and he let it slip through his hands like it was a cool chunk of ice.

«He told her» Jimin got in the conversation briefly glancing at his youngest friend. Jungkook was really going crazy.

«And? What’s the end? Tell me you got her number?» Jin rested his forearms on his knees, waiting for an answer that just wasn’t meant to come out.

«You don’t even know her name, do you?» the maknae brung is gaze to Taehyung, his dark eyes almost seemed to surrender in front of all the mess of the situation. The friend sighed, guilt already invading his throat. When he pushed Jungkook in that situation, he thought he was gonna handle it, to him he just needed a little bit of motivation. He didn’t think it would’ve ended like this. He shook his head.

«Great.» Jungkook stood up, unreadable features and body tense.

«But at the end it was good, she smiled at you» Jimin helplessly tried to bring back a little bit of positivity.

«Yes, after I made everything uncomfortable and awkward. How am I even supposed to make a move after what happened? First Teahyung, then Yoongi. Then me!» he bursted out. «The first time was already hideous, but this? I hurt her, let her know that basically all my friends are weird and when she said “I’m gonna be late for work” my answer was “okay”. Who am I even kidding? I-»

«Oh, come on!» Joonie decided to open his mouth, his loud tone made Jungkook shut up, everyone now looking at him. «This is all in your head, Kookie. Stop it. You need to take a deep breath and face this in a different way. Clearly, shutting your mind off and letting your body do the work it’s not what you need.» he raised his eyebrows at him. Jungkook had started pacing, he really wanted to fix things, but every time it seemed to get worse and worse and worse and... worse.

«It’s so frustrating, I swear! It never happened to me, never. I can’t control it, my brain just doesn’t work when I’m with her» he groaned locking his dark locks in his fist and pulling a little.

«Oh, cheesy» Hobi wrinkled his nose receiving in exchange a death stare from Jungkook.

«So you don’t even know her name?» Jin seemed to realize his words only now, eyes wide and moth hanging open. Jungkook clenched his jaw before letting his body falling to the couch. Not even the soft material of the cushions seemed to make him feel better, not even the slightest.

«I don’t know her name» he answered, saying those words more to himself than to his hyung. All of this seemed so stupid.

«Then start from it. Give to this beautiful woman a beautiful name, you can’t keep rambling about someone for about an hour without even knowing their name.» Namjoon’s tone was firm, making its way through the maknae’s ears, his words seemed like playing with him. He was right, he didn’t even knew your name, how the hell was that possible? He had the biggest crush and didn’t know the basics.

What Jungkook didn’t know and never could imagine was that you were thinking about him in the same moment as he was talking about you to his friends. What happened that morning was still replaying in your mind like a short film, from the moment that Yoongi spilled what you figured out was tea on your clothes to the moment you headed to your car. There was something about that awkward meeting that you just couldn’t seem to shake off. That man was so awkward and charming at the same time that the match sounded both weird and interesting.

Still, you couldn’t hide your annoyance towards him that morning. You couldn’t quite discern if he was just playing with you or if there was a meaning behind his actions and words, I mean, he apologized for his friend so much but he didn’t really act different than him, he yanked you. And apparently without any meaning. He already apologized for Yoongi before, so why follow someone you don’t even know to do it again?

Remembering your slap against his cheek you unconsciously squint your eyes, drowning in the dark. You really wouldn’t have punched him if you knew it was him, but the moment you felt someone’s touch against your skin you panicked. Not that he didn’t deserve it, well, actually he didn’t, but you don’t usually punch people like that, you really thought someone wanted to steal your purse or rape you, You puffed.

You just wished to not bump into him or his friends again, or at least to not be the main character of their misfortunes again.

Summer was finally coming to an end, and with the end of a season comes the beginning of a new wardrobe, at least for you. You already had clothes for the imminent autumn but with all the money you had saved you could squander a little bit and reward yourself, you worked hard and didn’t even leave for the holidays this year, sad but true. So now you were lowly humming in the street without even realizing it, the music invading all of your senses, the melody taking control of your body like it was made of a thin sheet of glass that could be broken anytime with the slightest pressure.

You entered the shop and removed an earphone, slowly making your way through the crowd and getting ready to buy something as a reward for all of your sacrifices. The sight of the soft fabric of a white dress made your eyes sparkle and your feet started moving towards the mannequin like they were apart from your body, bringing your hand to the cloth you touched the smooth material.

There was no way you were not buying it.

The shape seemed perfect for your body, you could already see yourself wearing it so you were quick to cross the room, ready to grab your hanger. Apparently, not quick enough, but you didn’t notice right away.

Looking through the dresses for your size made you frown, everyone of them either too big or too small. You were almost giving up when your gaze met the tag you were looking for, eyes widening and happiness already creeping up in your body.

Then, a hand came in the way. You watched it grab the crutch, dark ink marking the light golden skin, long fingers closing around the hook. Your breath got stuck in your throat and you really felt all your hopes falling to the ground now. Sure you were not gonna argue with whoever just took away your dream dress, you didn’t even have the right to do it, you should have been quicker before rather than staring at it with dreamy eyes. You were already starting to turn and look for something else with a knot in your throat but you couldn’t help your eyes and followed the arm of the stranger, the skin almost glowing under the light of the shop. You met two broad shoulders, the cleavage of the light shirt he was wearing showing his collar bones and making your fingers tingle at the sight, but if you knew who was waiting for you at the end of that neck you would have already ran away.

The previous night after his friends left Jungkook had spent at least three hours trying to find a way to make a third impression on you, if that was possible, this time preferably good, and he figured out nothing. Eventually he felt asleep all tensed and annoyed, remembering the next morning he had to buy something for Namjoon’s birthday coming in exactly two weeks.

When he woke up today and headed to the shop three blocks away from his house he did not expect to find you there. From the moment he saw you at least a hundred of different emotions had run through his body, starting from worship and ending up with panic, but this time his mind didn’t switch off, or maybe not at all. Listlessly choosing something for Namjoon, Jungkook came up with a plan, and it was apparently clear: buy you a dress and give it to you as both a present and an apology for everything that happened the day before, from Yoongi’s drink on you to the way he kept on making things awkward, and maybe finally ask you out.

So when he saw you staring at that dress with dreamy eyes he instantly walked towards its reproductions, sure as hell that now he had something to work with in his hands. But it was only when you approached the same counter as him that he realized he didn’t have any clue about your clothing size. I mean, he could have guessed it, but it wouldn’t have been the same. He was supposed to ask you and tell you something like “let me offer this to you for making up for yesterday’s mess” and “would you like to hang out sometimes?” but when he tried to speak his voice got stuck in his throat, his hands badly sweating. So he tried to understand what you were looking for, careful not to get caught, and possibly keeping it in mind for buying you something else, and it all worked until he saw your eyes full of that joyful light again. In that moment, his heart skipped a beat as he understood you had found what you wanted.

As I said, this time his brain didn’t stop working, he knew he couldn’t grab the dress practically from your hands, that would’ve been the worst third impression of all times. He just needed to remember the measures printed on that little tag and look for something else. He knew but his hands moved by themselves and Jungkook felt himself stiffening again.

When you locked eyes with him you couldn’t help but snort. What was going on with the universe? You were sure you didn’t do anything that bad to deserve this. And why was he involved in all of your misadventures? Him, him, him, him and him again, couldn’t at least the gods send someone else once in a while to punish you? The fact that it was him made the knot in your throat grow even bigger and you instantly felt a flame of anger burning in your chest. If he was someone else you would’ve probably let go, but not with him and not when he was holding the dress you wanted to buy after long days and late nights of work, stress and a little bit of panic too.

So you did the first thing that came to your mind, you grabbed at the hanger he was holding in his other hand and immediately walked away leaving him with his mouth agape and his gaze digging holes in your body.

You turned the corner and went straight to the changing room, desperately trying to keep yourself from bursting out in the middle of the shop. You closed the curtain behind you and finally took a look at what you were holding. A men’s hoodie. You were going to buy it, wether you liked it or not. Not a big deal, you already had men’s clothes in your wardrobe, right?

Taking a deep breath you sat on the little couch in the fitting room, you were really starting to think he was playing with you. That had to be it. He was just enjoying himself, having fun with making you feel like an idiot. Unintentionally, some tears streamed down you cheeks, all the accumulated stress from work and from the rehearsals you were having almost every day, all the sleepless nights you had in the last three months trying to save money, some days even working your ass off until the first lights of the morning would appear, all the times you felt like you didn’t belong; everything was coming out in the shape of little drops. You hadn’t been crying for a long time and stopping now seemed like light years away, so you got up and went out of the dressing room heading to the checkout without even glancing around.

Jungkook was still in the same place you had left him, and when he saw your cheeks sparkling just in time before you could wipe the tears away he knew it wasn’t because of the sweat this time. His heart broke, features screaming nothing but regret. If only you had turned around you would have seen it even from there.

But instead, you paid your new hoodie and went out, ready to burst out once again you’d be surrounded by the safe walls of your apartment.

«God, I can’t believe it» Jungkook groaned again for about the tenth time since the beginning of the phone call.

Jimin and Namjoon had been meticulously chosen for today’s vent, and this time he was sure he had something real to ramble on about, it wasn’t all in his head anymore. He had made you cry.

«It was the worst third impression of all times! My plan was good, damn, why do I have to be like this around her? Every single time, it happens every damn time» he hissed through his teeth. On the other line, Jimin was staring at his white ceiling with his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed, trying to help his friend as best as he could, but he knew there was nothing he could do. Jungkook had to fix this, again. And Namjoon felt the same way as he took a sip of his coffee, his hair still messy from the long sleep he had just awakened from.

«I know you don’t need to hear it, but you’re the worst suitor on earth» he blurted out rubbing his face with his hands. «How can you expect to be more to her than an awkward weirdo if you can’t even talk or act normally in her presence? At least did you get her name?» Namjoon knew his words were doing nothing but emphasizing the horrible situation but he just couldn’t contain himself anymore. Jungkook didn’t need to be pitied, it would have led him nowhere. The maknae grunted in frustration. That was the only answer Joonie needed.

«Stop everything you’re doing» his words made Jungkook frown.

«What?»

«I said stop everything you’re doing» he repeated again, then taking another sip from his coffee. The youngest stared at the screen in disbelief.

«I am doing nothing!» his high-pitched tone made Jimin squint his eyes.

«Okay, then come to my place for lunch and bring that freaking dress with you» he ordered, now getting up and putting his mug in the sink.

«Can I-»

«Yes, Jimin, no need to ask» the hyung interrupted his friend already expecting his question.

«I’m gonna shower, but please be careful with that dress Kook» Namjoon’s tone softened and his words almost sounded like a prayer, Jungkook couldn’t help but glance at the piece of cloth laying on his couch with a worried face. That was not the right place for it.

«Okay, I got it, I got it» he said more to himself than to his friend.

«See you later» Namjoon got off the phone in a second, already on his way to the bathroom.

«Kookie, I know you can do it, okay? We can’t do more than what we are already doing, we can’t fix this for you, you have to fix it. But we’re here to support you.» Jimin’s words gave birth to a bittersweet smile on Jungkook’s face and he internally thanked God for his friends.

«Thank you Chimin»

They talked for another ten minutes before finally getting off the phone, Kookie’s eyes shifting again to what was supposed to be your dress now and shutting down.

He needed to fix this, again.

«So?» Jimin patted his fingers on the wooden table moving his gaze between his three friends. Unexpectedly Taehyung had knocked on Namjoon’s door just before they were about to sit down and have lunch with an expression that promised nothing but bad news.

«I wanted to buy you something for making up for what happened yesterday and the day before, but apparently I screwed up again. This is for you.» Jungkook repeated for the fourth time, then reached his hand out on the table, his chopsticks holding an amount of chicken noodles not even possible to put in his mouth. Namjoon opened his all of a sudden and gobbled them in just one gulp, making Jungkook frown.

«You just ate her dress!» Jimin bursted out laughing at the scene in front of his eyes, the corners wrinkling, his melodious laugh even took over Taehyng’s brooding face, the hyung smiled like a baby.

«I’m hungry and it was the third time he was doing that! He practically saw it coming!» he claimed, already taking with his chopsticks another amount of inhumanly impossible food to eat.

«You have yours!» the maknae tried to sound as serious as he could but his smile fooled him.

«Don’t bother me, I’m feeding you and giving you advices, this is the least you could do in return.» he mocked him with a new beaming smile on his face, Kook shook his head and took a bite of his meal.

«I think it could work?» Jimin brung the conversation back to where it was supposed to be, glancing at Tae and Joonie.

«Just try to stick to that» Taehyung said nodding «and don’t forget to breathe. And please, don’t panic again.» he added. Kookie nodded, this time had to be good. «You think you can do that?»

«I have to» he sighed, already feeling under pressure. Jimin and Namjoon smiled at him, trying to reassure him.

«Alright, now Taehyung could you tell us what’s wrong?» the hyung suddenly shifted his gaze to the other maknae seated next to Kook, who raised his eyebrows and shook his head faking a smile. «Come on, we can see it. Tell your favorite therapists what’s wrong and let us help you.» Jimin nodded at his words.

«Alright, I...» Taehyung took a deep breath, his long slender fingers ran through his hair and fisted a dark strand, slightly tugging it.

«Oh my God, this is so hard to say out loud» he groaned. Now, if there was a tiny possibility that they’re friends weren’t worried about him, his words certainly did their job.

«TaeTae, come on» Jimin widened his eyes.

«Alright. Do you all remember Gillyflower?» his words only brung more confusion to their faces. «The girl with pink hair?» he tried again, and this time a bunch of “ooh” and “yes” made him nod. He took another deep breath. 

«Well, I asked her out and she was about to answer when Tannie suddenly started barking and puling at the leash. I tried to mke him stop but he kept getting worse to the point he yanked me. I- I stumbled and trying to grab onto something I...» he harshly gulped, silence invaded the room.

«What did you do? It can’t be worse than what I did, right?» Jungkook’s doe-eyes were staring at his friend’s face trying to catch a hint of his actions.

«I don’t know, it’s the first time something like this awkward happens between of us, but it’s just...» he puffed letting his shoulders fall and then again shaking his head.

«What?» Namjoon were desperate to know now.

«I groped her breasts. But I was just trying to hold onto something and- Oh my God this is the worst thing I could have ever done» he groaned and hid his face behind his hands trying to cover his cheeks flashing red. Jungkook’s eyes considerably widened, Jimin’s lips formed the perfect shape of an “o” and Joonie shut his eyes , almost forgetting how to swallow. Almost.

«What did you do after that? Tell me you apologized, tell me you did it?» Chimin’s gaze was basically begging him.

«Of course I did, but I was still shocked and... I may have left my hands on her for too much time» his voice was muffled by his hands, still covering his reddish face.

«Oh, God» Jimin let out, tilting his head back. «What the hell is happening to us?» he whined, earning a death stare from Namjoon.

«You mean what the hell is happening to you? This things don’t happen to me, luckily.» he stated.

«Oh, please Joon, your face is dirty for all the eggs you have on it. You know you have your bag stuffed with blunders» Jimin whined again and Namjoon pointed his index towards him.

«That wasn’t supposed to come out!» he argued.

«It didn’t! But I’ll blurt out all of your secrets if you don’t admit you can be a weirdo too!» the hyung puffed.

«Please, everyone knows I’m an oddball, there’s no need to argue on that. But my blunders are far beneath theirs!» he pointed at Jungkook and Teahyung the youngest was now trying not burst out laughing for his high-pitched tone. Jimin groaned.

«What was her answer?» Jungkook asked, carefully looking at TaeTae. He gulped.

«She started laughing and I apologized myself again before entering home. I thought she was making fun of me but I realized it was an uncomfortable laugh just after I shut the door. Now every time I see her in the hallway I hide behind the corners and avoid her. She must think I’m an idiot.» Teahyung’s words made Jungkook feel slightly better, maybe it was selfish but he felt less lonely.

«You need to talk to her» Namjoon mumbled with his mouth stuffed of noodles.

«We’ll make up a speech for you too after lunch, alright?» Tae shook his head.

«No need for it, I can handle it. I think» he sighed for the hundredth time.

The Sunday that followed got Jungkook incredibly frustrated. In two days it was gonna be his birthday and he and his friends had all agreed to take a day off from the devastating rehearsals to celebrate it together, so now there he was,  meticulously watching his figure dancing in the mirror. He hadn’t slept well and his eyes were praying for just a bunch of minutes of rest, body already tired only after an hour of movement. When the music stopped he thanked Jin with a grateful smile before approaching the bench on the side of the room to grab his towel and gather his sweat.

«I think this-»

«Kookie!» Jimin shouted with his eyes wide, his voice echoed in every single corner of the room and in a second Jungkook realized why. He didn’t really do it, please.He let his hand fall at his side, and yes, there it was. Your dress in his hand, now moist and clammy.

His voice burst in the loudest tone he’ve ever used: «Who the hell pulled it out of my bag?!»

The group immediately got closer to take a look at what he was talking about, Namjoon and Taehyung held their breath when the maknae opened the folded cloth revealing the white peace of dressing he had carefully putted in his bag just in case he’d met you here, even though it was quite impossible being Sunday.

«Oh my God, I thought it was a towel and-» Jin started explain himself but got interrupted again by Jungkook’s low groan.

«I am screwed, I give up.» his chest swelled like a balloon and his shoulder raised almost to his ears just to heavily fall a second later. «If this isn’t fate then I don’t know what it is» he complained letting his body go limp after he seated on the bench. And as if what had just happened wasn’t enough his eyes caught your figure in the hallway, your body managing to move graciously on your high heels even though at a speed that seemed almost impossible for you not to fall, your hair swinging with every step.

«Bad luck?» Hobi kneeled in front of him and Jungkook scoffed, shifting his gaze on his muscled legs once you disappeared behind the corner, his dark locks creating a curtain to hide him from the rest of the world while he rested his elbows on his knees.

«Bad luck? This is a tragedy. And not just because of the dress. Everything I did until now is a tragedy. This is just the cherry on top of it all. Maybe this is just not meant to happen and that’s why I keep messing things up.» he grumbled with raspy voice. And he really believed that for a moment, maybe he was right. Everything, every single thing he had done so far had just messed things up more, even though he was desperately trying to do the opposite. He still didn’t know your name but had however already managed to made you feel uncomfortable, hurt you and made you cry. What a charming suitor he was. At this point he could’ve-

«If thinking about it like this makes you feel better.» Namjoon spoke with his gaze on the maknae. He licked his lips and waited for Kookie to raise his head, but it didn’t happen. «You don’t have the dress, who cares? It’s a peace of cloth, Kook. Your apologies are more important and you still have your speech. You can do it.» he kneeled in front of him beside Hobi, finally catching his gaze. What he didn’t expect was to actually find his eyes shining because of the stressed tears he was desperate to hold.

«He’s right, Kookie. Come on, you’re the golden maknae. And if it goes wrong we’ll have finally found something you’re not good at» Jin smiled at his youngest friend, his words made him lightly giggle, Yoongi nudged him.

«Just try again, okay?» Hobi smiled at him and Jungkook had to take a few moments for himself to finally answer.

Probably, no, wait, sure as hell the easiest thing was to give up. You already had a clear picture of him by now, there was no way you were changing your mind with just an apology. He had already apologized for at least five times the other day, and he had made you cry the day right after. So the possible answers now were two: yes or no. Such a big difference between them but such a thin line for him, especially now that he had lost the only thing that maybe would’ve helped him. He didn’t want lie to himself, he knew it was easier to give up and go back to being a normal acting human, not embarrassing himself anymore and feeling like an idiot all the time. But it was too easy like that, and just the thought made him frown. He couldn’t explain what it was to himself, but there was something about you that made him fatally, hopelessly curious. Since the very first moment he saw you, something turned on inside him, and I’m not just talking about his cock.

«Okay» he whispered to himself, the air of his breath fanning the golden skin of his hands. He took a deep breath and stood up.

«What?» Yoongi asked looking at him. Jungkook nodded.

«Okay, but you promise me you won’t do anything?» he pointed his finger against Yoongi’s face and then moved it back and forth pointing at everyone of them. When they all nodded Jungkook knew it was the moment to leave the room. 

Jimin pursued his lips when he saw him walking towards the door and quickly sided him. «Wait, you’re doing it now? Is she here? It’s Sunday!» he spoke so fast and his tone changed so many times that Kook turned to face him with an amused smile, almost forgetting about what he was about to do. «Do you remember the speech?» he asked again. When Kookie nodded and finally left the room Chimin stayed still with his gaze on him, acting like a mummy leaving her little child for the first time to the kindergarten.

«He can do it» Yoongi patted his shoulder.

You weren’t supposed to be there, not on a Sunday morning when all you wanted to do was drown in your bed and never let go of your sheets without the clock pointing at least at eleven. But you didn’t have any choice when you realized what day it was. It wasn’t just an usual Sunday, your family was coming at your place for lunch in about two hours from now, and you had promised them to cook something special, or at least to try your best. You were already feeling under pressure and your parents weren’t exactly the definition of easy-going people, always ready to judge everything you would do and every step you’d take. No wonder why you’ve grown to be their total opposite, never daring to judge anyone, and you knew they hated it. But you didn’t care and kept doing your thing, without worrying too much. Luckily, distance had made everything so much easier, until this kind of moments. The stress was running through your blood like it was part of your body, you were practically on the edge. You really didn’t want to hear them complaining about your stupid passion and how you should stop chasing your dreams just to find an even more steady job than the one you already had, so you had quickly decided to bring your gym bag here. You had grabbed everything you could find in your house that could have led their thoughts to your athletic side and just stuffed all in the bag now hanging from your shoulder, from your pointe shoes to your sweat shorts.

The lockers were safe and you knew it because you had already done this at least five or six times, so you simply opened the steel door and placed your bag in it with loose motions before shutting it and locking it with you keys. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. The stress of your job, the rehearsals, all the money you wanted to save to buy your house and what happened in the last days were hovering on your mind so much that you knew you would have bursted out if you had to worry about your parents too. So this was the easiest way.

Heading to the door you fastened you pace until you got out, the sun made your skin burn and you harshly puffed, already wishing the winter to come.

At the same time, Jungkook was looking for you in the whole building, he even took the stairs and went to second floor once he figured out you weren’t in your usual rehearsal room. He thought you’d be in the changing rooms but he couldn’t afford himself to the risk of finding you half naked, even though the picture of you he had in mind was making his mouth drier every second more while taking the stairs again. It was when he distractedly looked out of the window that he saw you crossing the street. His feet never ran faster than that moment, praying for you to stay on the main street so that he’d found you more easily. He crossed the hallway and made his friend’s heads turn when he rushed in front of their door, that stupid speech replaying in his head over and over again like a prayer.

«Oh man» Namjoon covered his eyes with his right hand at the sight.

Once the maknae was out of the building he welcomed the light of the sun by squinting his eyes, his already sweating body heated up even more while desperately trying to get to you. The street was not that crowded at this time of the morning with the sun almost at his highest spot and the hot breeze threatening whoever was out, so he thought he could make it. Then, he saw you stopping on the sidewalk. Maybe you noticed him? Impossible.

A second later you were opening the door of a taxi and he didn’t know if rather laugh about his bad luck or cry. He could’ve just let go and talk to you the next day, you were definitely going to rehearsal on Monday, or maybe even on Tuesday. But it’s Jungkook we’re talking about, and by now we all know a part of his brain seemed to switch off when it comes to you. Or maybe this time, it turned on. The stress he felt those days had built up so much that he just wanted to burst out once and for all. He was tired of dwelling about his clumsiness and weirdness when he was beside you and didn’t want to feel guilty for making you feel uncomfortable anymore. So he sped up, his legs almost gave in for the big gap he wanted to close in a matter of seconds. 

But he made it. He knocked at your window with his fist, hands sweating and chest raising desperately gasping for air. When you turned and squinted your eyes because of the light of the sun he again swore he had never seen something, someone that beautiful in his life, the rays of sunshine painting little sparkling stars in your pupils and your skin gleaming.

You knitted your eyebrows at the sight, the charming but odd man staring at you as if he had just seen who knows what. What did he want now? You didn’t have time for his teasing, not with all of the things you had to do before the hurricane that your parents were would show up and take over you for the next hours.

«Please» he managed to say, or at least he mouthed it, and a part of him thanked your shut window for not giving him away, but just a little part. If hearing the lack of his voice would’ve made you listen then he would’ve talked with his hands.

With everything he did he was not really expecting you to listen to him, not when he was making things awkward once again, not in this situation. He was hoping it with all of his heart, but he knew it was not going to happen. Indeed, it didn’t happen.

The taxi started and you fixated your gaze on the street without a second thought, already brushing away the weird feeling that his gaze made you feel. You checked your phone screen: 11.34. Great. You were praying every god in heaven to save you from your parents’ likely early arrive when a thump made you both frown and hit the backrest with your head harshly enough to wince. You realized your taxi just hit the one in front of him in a second. Someone was definitely mad at you.

That was Jungkook’s moment. He widened his eyes at the sight and rushed on the sidewalk before he quickly approached your cab. His heart was beating so fast that for a moment he feared for his life. He opened your door without a second thought, you were hissing through your breath, eyes shut and pursued lips. While he took in the sight you felt a gentle hot breeze on your skin. Opening your eyes you gasped when you saw him standing there. Definitely really, really mad.

«I can’t do this» you bursted out loud, more to yourself than to the men that now were both staring at you.

«It’ll only take ten minutes» the cab driver gently smiled at you. The poor man then brung his gaze to the other standing at your door, holding it so tight with his hand that his knuckles were white. You tried to fake a smile as best as you could.

«I’m sorry but I’m running out of time, I’m gonna make it on foot.» you claimed. Before waiting for any answer you shifted your gaze back to the man who was blocking you into the car, his body stiff and not giving you hits of movement. You waited for something, anything, but he just kept staring at you making you feel like a fish out of water and you didn’t have time to deal with his awkward behavior now, you were really late. So you stood up anyway, almost stepping on his toes, and you held your breath while making your way through his body and the car. The way he kept his dark doe-eyes into yours without any sign of backing off made you shiver.

Jungkook harshly gulped when your body slightly touched his, his skin tickled at the feeling, the lightest of touches creating the strongest of the addictions. «I- I can give you a- a ride?» he stuttered, finally removing his hands from the door of the car. You started walking without even turning at his words, too much overwhelmed by the awful morning you were having. Kook was staring at you still in the same place as before, mouth agape and eyes sparkling at the way you were moving your hips, but when he realized you were already on the sidewalk he forced himself to follow you.

«I’ll give you a ride?» why did he keep doing that? That was supposed to sound more sure, more like a statement maybe? You snorted.

«Please, stop it» his presence beside made you even more nervous, what did he want? Why was he doing that again?

«I- I can drive, I can ride you-» what the hell was that? God, he kept making things worse without even trying. Your face immediately shot up, eyebrows knitted together and blood boiling in your veins.

«What I meant is-» he stopped talking again, his feet did the same and for a moment he considered letting you walk away and just give up. With how fast you were walking you were already disappearing into the crowd. But he sided you again.

«Look, I don’t have time for your teasing now, you can do it tomorrow.» you didn’t need to shift your gaze from the sidewalk to know that he was again there.

«What? I- No, I want to do it now!»

Did he really said that? Turn on your damn brain, Jungkook.

You rolled your eyes. «I can’t belie-»

«Can I just give you a ride?» he suddenly blocked your way with his body, arms outstretched and dark eyes praying yours. «Not in that way» he added, desperately trying to fix his stupid mistakes.

You couldn’t understand what the hell he was doing, standing there in front of you, in the middle of the crowd, praying to give you a ride after everything that he had done in just... three times you met? 

«No.» you shook your head and quickly got over him. «In both ways» you added, slightly smirking at yourself for your words. Jungkook sneered too, following you again like a puppy.

«You’d get there faster, please. Just- just a ride?» his continue pleads made you whine and stopping your steps you turned to face him, realizing just now how much he was taller than you.

«I don’t even know your name» you stated, ready to claim your victory. Jungkook let his mouth fall agape while looking at you standing so close to him, not that it was that close, but the rays of the sun were making everything too much to handle for him.

«Jeon Jun- Jungkook?» he managed to say, to ask, voice cracking in the middle.

«You don’t sound so sure of that» strangely, you smirked. Jungkook’s heart almost stopped right there and then.

«I’m Jungkook» he repeated trying as best as he could to smile without showing his nerves on the edge. You took in the sight squinting your eyes at him.

«Okay, Jungkook. I still don’t know you, so the answer is still no» you smiled at him and were about to start walking again but he got in the way a second time. His brain panicked again when he realized he had to say something now, eyes widened and throat dry. Mind blank, totally blank.

«I wanted to buy you something for making up for what happened yesterday and the day before- oh, shit not yesterday. I mean, yesterday and the day before but the day before that too.» he lowly groaned and shut his eyes, already feeling his face heating up. He watched your features change from annoyance to curiosity and then slightly smirking, but he couldn’t quite define if you were just having fun seeing him struggle or if you were actually smiling for his words.

You can do this, Jungkook. You can do this. Just go on.

«Apparently I screwed up again. This is for you.» the only sentence he wasn’t supposed to say came out like it had its own life and the maknae’s eyes widened even more while staring at your unreadable expression.

«So?» you asked folding your arms.

«I- i can’t- oh God» Jungkook wanted the earth to swallow him in. The embarrassment was eating him alive. «I can’t give it to you» he blurted out without even trying anymore to contain his voice.

«Jungkook, I really, really, don’t have the time to deal with this now. My parents are coming over for lunch and I still have to cook, they’re gonna start a-» you started blabbering but stopped when you figured out you were saying too much. «I don’t have time.»

«I can cook.» he claimed «I can cook, I’m- I’m good at it and I’m fast» His face has never been more red than in that moment, not even when he asked her first crush ever out. Never than when he was with you.

«What are you trying to say?» you sighed, again checking your phone, the bold characters of the time made you whine.

«I can- help you with the lunch?» he tried again.«You can trust me. I swear- my friend is a chef. He-»

«Are you serious?» you interrupted his endless speech with a hint in your voice that neither the both of you quite get. Your question didn’t sound like an annoyed one, it sounded more like... Surprised? Kinda. Desperate? Oh, hell yes.

Jungkook nodded, and in a second your wheels brain worked like crazy. It was almost 12.00 and you knew that your parents wouldn’t arrive at the established time, they were probably already in the car looking forward to the moment you were going to open the door and ready to start complaining about how late you were for everything, how your life wasn’t good for you, how you should’ve been more like them. No, you weren’t playing they’re game, not today.

Going to your apartment now would’ve meant arrive in twenty minutes, then you had to make sure everything was in place and absolutely remember to lock your bedroom, your mother had this weird habit to always pry and snoop in your drawers as if you were still a teenager, you hated it. You had to cook and set the table too.

Oh, lord. You couldn’t believe you were really thinking about this.

«I’m Y/N» you sighed, locking eyes with Jungkook. The information you had just given him seemed to make his features even more shocked. 

Y/N, he repeated to himself, finally having a name for your breathtaking face. You had really told him? After all he had done so far?

«Are you really serious? Cause please, I don’t really have time for your teasing.» now it was you the one almost begging.

Jungkook’s eyes widened so much that they almost fell out as he forced himself to nod. «Yes, I- I’m serious. I can help you?» his voice was shaking.

«If you promise your friend won’t set fire to my kitchen?»

Jungkook’s features lost all their hope in a blink hearing your words. He really thought you were letting him in your place to help you considering all the awkwardness between you two? Well, he hoped it. It would’ve been a good way to prove you he wasn’t a jerk and maybe get to know you a little better. It wasn’t fair to be that much head over heels for someone you don’t even know. But that thought vanished in an instant. It took him a few seconds to understand he had to call Jin.

Please, please. He hoped the rehearsals were over and that he had already taken a shower.

«I promise, I swear he won’t do it» Jungkook’s sweaty hands went in his pockets and grabbed the phone. «I- I’ll call him»

You let yourself sigh when he brung the phone to his ear. This was all too overwhelming, the nervousness was eating you alive and the fact that now you had to worry about his friend too made you hold another sigh. Please, tell me he’s not teasing me again. This was your prayer, the words echoing through your mind like a mantra while the man talked to his phone taking a few steps to distance himself from you.

«Jin, please. You own me this for the dress. And I promise I- I will do whatever you want me to do. Just, please do this for me» he prayed lowering his voice and staring at you.

«You’re lucky I just changed. Alright.» Jin nodded on the other side of the line, everyone was staring at him waiting to know what happened.

«Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you» 

«I know, how can’t someone love me?» he scoffed «Where are you?»

«A few block away from the studio, in front of the crossroad, but please hurry up. Really, she’s running out of time»

«Alright, alright. I’m on my way. Don’t say or do awkward things.» that was the last sentence he left him with.

Jungkook stared at you for a little bit before putting his phone back in his pockets, studying the way you were biting your lips and snorting from time to time, fingers playing with each other in nervous movements. He couldn’t help but ask himself why you were so nervous. Your parents were coming over, shouldn’t you be happy to spend some time with your family?

You were desperate, totally overwhelmed from your parents’s judgement, still thinking about their faces when they would see you hired a chief just for a stupid lunch. “Couldn’t you do this on your own?”, “This is ridiculous.”, their voices were already playing in your mind.

You turned to look at Jungkook, his gaze immediately leaving your face and his cheeks flashing red. You approached him in a second.

«He’s coming» he let out a deep breath, and so did you. You didn’t have to worry about lunch anymore, thanks God. «I- why... Can I ask you why are you so nerv- nervous?» his question made your mouth fall agape. Was it that obvious? 

«I’m not»

«Oh» he puffed «O-okay. I’m sorry» you frowned.

«Why do you keep saying that?» Jungkook gulped harshly.

«I- I shouldn’t have asked.» and now he was looking like a puppy for the first time in front of your eyes. For a moment he didn’t seem the charming awkward man that had made you feel uncomfortable anymore. The silence filled the air even though the streets were chaotic. 

Seeing him like that made you speak: «You won’t tease?»

«Wha-What? Why?» Kook thought the conversation was already over, so when you asked him he really didn’t had his brain working. «I mean, why should I t-tease you?» doe-eyes staring directly into yours.

«You always do it» you shrugged. In that moment, Jungkook really felt awful. You really thought all he had done was because he was teasing you?

«I don’t»

«Yes, you do»

«No, I don’t» his voice sounded firm for the first time. Your eyes left his.

«Then this is you? You usually act like... you acted yesterday? And the day before? And the-»

«No, I- I don’t» he sighed «but I’m not teasing you. I never wanted to?»

«Why are you asking me?»

«I’m not! It’s just-» he let the sentence disappear like a speck of dust blown off by the window. «I won’t tease» his voice made you look back into his eyes and the silence filled the space between you two again, your face lost his brightness.

«My parents are not easy-going people. It’s just that.» Jungkook raised his eyebrows.

«Yes, but a chief?» he let out without even thinking, the second he saw your features changing he wanted to slap himself.

«I know, it’s desperate» he held his breath, the guilt already sneaking in his body for letting you think he thought that.

«No!» his voice came out louder than expected «I-It’s not. I was just curious. Maybe I should hire Seokjin too when my parents come to my place. He cooks better than me» you scoffed and his heart sped up like crazy. Finally, he thought. He was dying to hear that sound escape your lips, and now that he was the cause of it he wanted to hear it more.

«Jungkook!» Jin’s voice remembered him what you were really doing and he couldn’t help but feel disappointed when he turned to watch him get closer with each step. Your mouth hanging open at the sight. Tall, broad shoulders and a charming face. Was it a thing running in his group?

«I’m Kim Seokjin, but call me Jin. I’m your chief for today.» he introduced himself once he stood in front of you.

«I’m Y/N. Thank you for doing this, I’m aware I didn’t give you time to-»

«Don’t worry, really. It’s not a problem.» he smiled. You nodded and gulped nervously before glancing at Jungkook, who was standing there shifting his gaze between you and his friend, praying everything would work out fine.

«Let’s go, you can tell me about what you’d like to eat while we get to your place»

And with that, you nodded at him and gave a smile to the maknae. Jungkook’s heart skipped a few beats.

«I swear, she has the worst parents ever.» Jin claimed, eyes wide and shocked features. «They really aren’t easy-going people.»

«Did they complain about the food?» Namjoon asked, the hyung raised his eyebrows.

«They didn’t dare, luckily for them,» he scoffed. «but from what I heard from the kitchen that woman really has the strongest self-control ever»

«What happened?» Hobi sat beside him on the couch.

«You mean what didn’t happen. First, when they came in they didn’t even greet her, they just gave her their coats and ran past her like nothing.» he raised his index finger while shaking his head. Jungkook’s eyes widened.

«Then they started complaining about her apartment. “I don’t really know how you like this place so much”, “it’s so small”, “do you even have a second bathroom in here?”, “you should move”. I mean, let her breathe!» he imitated your parents’s voices, an high-pitched tone for your mother and a weird twang for you father. His middle finger went up.

«After that, her mother tried to break into her room as if she’s a fifteen years old teenager. What the hell was that? She even locked it before they came in, I saw her.» and now his ring finger too.

«What?» Yoongi couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and neither the others. Everyone’s expression was only screaming shock, staring at their friend like he was telling them a crime novel. Jungkook had his eyebrows knitted together, mouth agape and an emotion neither he could quite get running through his blood.

«I swear I’m not making this up! They’re the worst!» Jin shook his head. «When they saw me serving the plates her mother raised her eyebrows and waited for me to go into the kitchen before she started spitting out all her venom. “Couldn’t you do this on your own? Of course not. You’re still trying to dance, right? That’s why you don’t even have time to learn how to cook”, “your mother is right, you should start to act like an adult, Y/N. I think it’s time for you to stop with that”. It was like being in hell, and I was in my heaven, you know I love standing in front of the stove. I honestly don’t know how she managed to stay calm.»

«Oh, God. She must feel so much pressure» Hobi muttered, Yoongi and Taehyung nodded.

«I know. I could see it in her eyes when I left, she was acting like nothing happened but she really seemed wrecked. She insisted to pay me but I refused her money, I told her she’s fine since is your “friend”» Jin looked at Jungkook, who weakly smiled as a thank you for his actions. He already knew that your parents were not that easy from your words and the way you acted that morning, but God, he never though they’d be like this. How did you even manage to not burst out at them?

Your pillow was doing nothing to muffle your sobs, they could be heard even with the sound of the TV on and the sheets hiding you from the light light of the screen. Useless to say, you were feeling like shit. You always tried your best but always fail with them. You were used to it, so why were you crying? Again? You wished your parents were different, more amenable, you even wished you were different, the daughter they expected you to be. But you weren’t, and all you were left with was hope, every time. Maybe the next time will be better, that was what you usually told to yourself, and that was probably why you ended up crying this time too. You needed to stop it and face the fact that it was not going to be better. You weren’t the problem, and deep inside you you knew it.

You simply needed to face it.

Finally, here comes today. It’s weird for you to think this, but you actually want to meet Jungkook, to thank him. The awful night you had made you think of how hard you try with your parents even though you keep telling yourself it’s not true. After having a chief cooking for you, the only thing you can do is cope with it. You can’t deny you were being anxious for the whole time, still skeptical about the situation, afraid that Jungkook was maybe teasing you again and his friend was no one but a someone looking for fun him too. But he wasn’t, he’s been nice for the entire time, always smiling and trying to make you feel comfortable, he sure knows how to marvel a new client. You saw him blinking a few times because of your parents’s words, but you’re grateful he didn’t tell you anything. He was professional and friendly, and you feel so sorry about not paying him and making him deal with the awkward lunch of you and your parents.

Thus, you are now walking in the studio hoping to find Jungkook or maybe one of his friends, not sure of what exactly are his schedules. You look for him until you realize you’re already five minutes late for your rehearsals so you decide to rush back in your room. What you didn’t expect is to find him at your doorframe, eyes shifting from person to person. His figure makes you hold your breath, his features taken by whoever his looking for, lips pursued, tall and muscled body wrapped in a pair of black jeans and a gray shirt.

«Jungkook?» you call. Jungkook’s heart drops when he realizes it’s your voice, then in a second the embarrassment is there again, making his ears and cheeks flashing red.

«H-hi?» he slowly moves his stare until it’s on your face.

«Were you looking for me?» his eyes wide, he weakly raises his eyebrows and now his lips are slightly parted in a pout.

«N-no? Yes, I mean no, I- fuck» he mutters, shutting his eyes at the end of the uncommon answer and hissing under his breath. You knit your eyebrows. Once he opens his eyes again you can’t help but smirk, just a little bit. With the half-gone sensation of him teasing at you it’s more easy to do it.

«I- what was the question?» he really doesn’t know how to answer you. You scoff and shake your head.

«Never mind, I was looking for you but now I really can’t talk. Do you have some time later?» your uncertain tone makes you cringe, again feeling weird in front of him. You can’t help it, it’s just something that happens every time in his presence.

His brain stops working again. «Oh, yes? Y-yeah»

«What- what time do you get off?»

«I- well, I- uhm... Yoongi!» he suddenly screams, panicking and widening his eyes when he shifts them from you to his friend, his tone radiates nothing but frustration.

Thanks God, he thinks, but a second later he’s already regretting it. You quickly turn to see his friend approaching you in heavy footsteps, and when you link his face to his name another wave of uncomfortableness sneaks in your body.

Yoongi looks at you only when he sides his friend, gulping harshly and trying to fake a smile as best as he can. «Hi, I’m Yoongi?»Why do they all speak like this? 

He shifts his eyes from you to Jungkook and viceversa, hoping someone to talk and tell him what the hell is he doing there with you two. When Jungkook finally speaks his voice his shaking. «What dime do- do we get o-off?» his eyes are basically praying Yoongi to answer.

«I think at seven?»

«Oh» he lets out, lowering his gaze on you again. You try to shrug off the mix of emotions his dark eyes give you.

«Okay, I... I’ll wait for you? I guess, if you tell me-»

«13» Yoongi interrupts your blabbering seeing that the maknae’s face is as blank as a white sheet paper, still in shock from what’s happening, he probably wouldn’t have known how to answer you.

«Thank you. See you later then» you try to smile without letting your uneasiness creep in and quickly enter the rehearsal room, letting out a deep breath.

«You know you’ll have to talk to her later, right? And what was she talking about?» Yoongi asks as soon as you can’t hear him. Jungkook shrugs.

«She- she wants to talk? I’m gonna die in the awkwardness, I know it. I’m gonna embarrass myself so much I won’t even be able to breathe, fuck.»

«Y/N?» Jungkook stares at your reflection in the mirror, his movements suddenly stop nd Hobi frowns at him.

«Jungkook, what are you doing?» he screams over the music. The maknae blinks a few times before he understands you’re looking at him and he’ll make everything more awkward if he keeps standing still like this with his eyes on you. Thus, he takes a deep - deep - breath and  counts the time again before catching up with the moves.

His body makes you hold your breath, his movements are clean and outright, his style is impactful, even the small details incredibly focused and accurate. His muscles twitch under the clothes, and you can outline the muscles of his legs even without even trying. Only the sight makes you shudder. His body is something you really didn’t dwell on, too much taken aback from the way he usually acts around you, but having a show like this in front of your eyes is something you can’t really turn away to. The way he moves his hips in a particular move has you clenching around nothing, and you suddenly blush at the thought of how he’d move them in a different situation, your heart beats faster.

Jungkook tries to not let your presence influence his rehearsals but he can’t help to steal a few glances at you while he moves on the rhythm. When he sees you blushing and glancing down his body he can’t help but smirk a little bit, even though his heart beats louder with every second. He glances away again when you eventually raise your eyes to his face, body stiffening in an second.

When the music finally stops and you seem to wake up from your trance you find yourself looking at the others, realizing only now that you probably should have asked before coming in the room like this, so you stand up and go out in a second.

Yoongi suddenly runs behind you.

«Y/N? Right?» you have no chance but to turn and nod.

«I’m sorry, I sho-»

«You can stay.» he smiles at you «And I’m sorry for the tea, the other day»

«Are you sure?»

«About the tea? I’m really sorry» he bits the inside of his cheek.

«No, I mean are you sure I-»

«Oh, yes. Jungkook would like it if you stayed» he suddenly points his thumb to Jungkook, who’s staring at the two of you with his lips parted and apparently in trance like you were just a few seconds ago. When your eyes lock with his you shrug to hide the weird shiver sneaking into your back.

«Okay, then» you smile at Yoongi and head back to the bench at the side of the room. 

You spend at least twenty five minutes staring at Jungkook, your eyes rarely meet the figures of his friends, completely taken by the way he moves and the emotions he makes you feel with every song. At the beginning the maknae feels his cheeks heating up and his body as stiff as a trunk, but with the time passing by and the seconds becoming minutes he slowly gains a little bit of confidence, and when you see him even more free and secure you can’t help but take in the sight releasing a deep breath you didn’t know you were holding. He’s like a magnet, some weird kind of energy attracts you to him, maybe it’s the way he speaks with his face or the way his eyes seem even darker and deeper when he sometimes glances at you and immediately glances back. Time seems to run and before you know it the music stops again and the group is lets out uneven breaths, heading to the bench you’re sitting on to grab their towels.

You feel your cheeks heat up when you notice almost every one of them glance at you with a look you can’t really read. Jungkook is still in front of the mirror, eyes completely focused on the way his body moves and repeating movements like a mantra. When he finally stops and turns around his gaze locks with yours, his heart pounds in his chest, palms sweaty all of a sudden.

«Kook, here!» one of his friends throws him a bottle of water and the man quickly catches it bringing it to his lips and taking a few sips. You watch the way his adam’s apple moves from your seat. He closes the bottle and finally heads to the bench, he feels so nervous he’d do something awkward and make you both feel uncomfortable that he almost thinks of running away. The others seem to quickly disappear to go to change and when he finally stands beside you you don’t really know how to act. The silence fills the room and makes you wince, your tongue comes out to wet the petals of your lips, Jungkook holds his breath.

«I like your style of dancing, the way you move» you blurt out. The maknae seems almost shocked at your words.

«I- I like it too» and here we go again. «I mean, I like yours too?»

«You watched me dancing?»

Jungkook groans. «I- oh, ye- yes?» he quickly gives up on lying «I watched you»

«Oh, I didn’t notice» you nervously smile. «Thank you, then»

Jungkook brings his white towel to his neck, wiping the sweat from his skin. That stupid action hits you like a wrecking ball.

«I’m- I’m sorry for everything that happened,» he speaks without thinking «I- I never wanted to tease you. I’m really sorry it- it came out like that. Really sorry.» his tone is shaky and he still can’t believe he managed to let out a full sentence without embarrassing himself or you. For some kind of reason his words make your gaze deepen in his, the weight of your irises almost crashing down Jungkook’s mind.

 You shake your head. «You apologize every time» a smile breaks through your mask.

«I don’t want to... make you feel uncomfortable? It’s just... I’m really so- sorry if it came out in the wrong way. I always end up embarrassing myself but I wanted to make a good impression, it’s just-» he suddenly stops talking, feeling all of a sudden even more nervous to say the words he was almost spilling out, he scraps at the back of his neck.

«You make me nervous» he really said it. 

His words hit you like a train, fast enough to make you doubt you really heard them and hard enough to stun you. «I make you nervous? Oh, I’m sorry I-»

«No, no, no, no» he quickly complaints «In a good way, I- I guess?» 

«What do you mean?»

Jungkook opens his mouth to speak a few times but always fails and closes it, before putting the towel on the bench and harshly gulping. «I- Can we talk about something else? Please?» he almost whines, making a weird smile form on your lips.

«Do you want to go to the cafe?»

He nods at your proposal, lifting his index finger. «Just give me a minute to change and-» he lowers to grab at all his stuff on the bench but unintentionally hits the bottle of water which falls to the ground. He lets out a deep shaky breath, the words I’m so bad at this echoing in his mind. You manage to bend over and grab it but at the same time he takes a step towards it to do the same, stopping when he sees your hands holding the bottle. When you raise back, the view you meet with makes you hold your breath and your cheeks red like peppers, Jungkook is not quick enough to rush back, and you can’t help but feel uncomfortable again, but this time there’s a different emotion too that you’re not quick enough to grasp.

It happens in a matter of seconds, but it seems like minutes when you glance at him, standing tall and looking at you bewitched by the sight of you like this. And he needs to remember himself you’re actually here to hold back the dirty thoughts that are already filling his head. You gulp hard, your eyes scanning his beautiful features and saving the breathtaking sight, his crotch almost touching your cheek because of the lack of distance. And you can’t deny, your thoughts take you to a different dimension that makes you fucking throb.

«Just- give me- give me a minute?» Jungkook stutters with a deep low voice, heavy breath and cheeks heating up.

«This are the kind of things that makes me think of you teasing me» you don’t even know where your words came out from, how’d you manage to make a full sentence still watching him from the same position.

«I swear, I didn’t want to-»

«It’s okay» you unintentionally lick your lips and he finds it even harder to keep a clear head, his cock already hardening. «Go?»

He slowly nods waking up from his trance, and manages to rush back into the fitting room with fast steps and heavy breathing, hoping that the others are not there. Not now that with every steps he takes he feels harder with the image of your eyes looking at him from down.

«Fuck» he hisses letting his bag fall to the bench. Luckily, no one’s here anymore and he’s only left with his boner. What is he supposed to do now? He can’t just change and go out, you’d see it, definitely.

Fuck.

Jungkook quickly heads to the door of the bathroom and takes a deep breath before locking it, lowering his sweat pants and his boxers on his thighs. The second the material doesn’t hug him anymore his cock jumps to his stomach, tip already red and dripping with precum. How do you manage to get him this hard without even trying?

His hand immediately wraps around his shaft, squeezing himself a little bit, just enough to make his head fall back and his lips part letting out a strangled whine. 

«Fuck» he hisses before he starts moving his hand, his mind going back at you and how damn good you looked before at the height of his cock. The first time he masturbated thinking about you sucking him dry he didn’t really think he would ever have a picture of you to accompany his actions to. And now that he has it, he can’t seem to get enough of it. You’d look so fucking good giving him the blowjob of his life, hollowing your cheeks and wrapping him in your mouth, he’d fuck it so good you’d be drooling and gagging for him. His thumb slowly caresses his frenulum and he twitches under his hand, stroking himself faster and harder. He doesn’t even realize it but the image of you he has in mind is making him louder than he usually is, panting and hissing, begging to explode.

«Oh my god, fuck.» he groans.

You can’t hear him from where you are, but your tights are tightening anyway. What happened just a few moments ago is replaying in your mind over and over again. The view he gave you of him staring directly into your eyes while you were basically facing his cock it’s making you go out of your mind. You can’t deny he’s charming, with features that make you feel dizzy, but this was too much to handle even for you. Your mind can’t help but fantasize how he’d fist your hair while you’d lick him, and just the thought makes you clench around nothing, the wetness between your folds already soaking your knickers. You try to push the image away, but the way you’re desperately squeezing your thighs for some kind of friction tells a total different story.

Jungkook bites his lips, his abdomen twitching and his shoulders heavily raising.

«Y/N» he whines, picturing you on your knees for him. In his mind, your hands are one on his inner thigh and the other playing with his nipple, twirling it between your index and thumb and making him even more sensible.

«Shit, so good» his voice is husky, sure as hell it would make you shudder and fall on your knees if you’d only hear it. His movements become more sloppy, the knot in his stomach almost about to burst. He groans and speeds up even more, hips practically hitting his hand with every stroke. He imagines your thighs tightened, the wetness in your folds, the way you’d taste, and he feels even closer.

«So fucking good»

Jungkook spits in his hand. His breath stutters more, and he suddenly doesn’t remember how to breathe anymore as he strokes himself harder, the lewd sound of him shoving in his fist becomes louder, the only sound feeling the bathroom and the fitting room.

The thought of you cupping his balls and massaging it makes him do the same thing, he pictures your tongue licking and swirling around the head of his cock. That is the last chunk he needs to come undone in his palm, spatters of white hitting his chest as he fucks himself through his orgasm until he’s too sensitive to even make one more stroke, letting his head resting on the door behind him. Eyes closed, heavy breath and mouth completely dry, Jungkook takes some time to recover from the heavenly climax he just reached.

God, what he’d give to know that he had the exact effect you had on him, but you’re just too shy to do something about it here. If you were home, well that would be a different thing. You’d help yourself with your vibrator, fucking it into you like it was him. But now, now you’re just trying to contain your thoughts, waiting for him to come out and go to the cafe.

When you realize it’s been a while since he disappeared you decide it’s better to go and see if everything’s okay. Standing up you unsurely walk to the door of the fitting room, the structure of the building being always the same makes finding the way easier. You knock at the door.

«Jungkook? Are you okay?»

«I- uhm, I’m coming, give me a second!» he answers back with a high-pitched tone, so you nod and go back to your bench, waiting for him. It takes him another three minutes to finally come out, his hair are a little bit messy and you think he must’ve ran his hands through them a few times.

«Are we- are we still going?» he asks. With your worries at the door of the fitting room he thought you might have heard him before, but when you nod and smile he lets his previous thoughts fade.

You head out of the studio and to the cafe, trying to ignore the way your panties practically slips against your folds. Jungkook tries to think about what to say and how to begin a safe conversation for the both of you without feeling uncomfortable or awkward but he just can’t seem to find nothing else than the question he asks.

«You wanted to talk?» lowering his gaze to his side he looks at you walking in silence. You quickly nod.

«I wanted to thank you, actually» you turn to smile at him, the butterflies in in stomach invading every part of his body.,«You know, for Jin.»

«Oh, no- no problem» he smiles back, his eyes sparkling and you can’t deny the sudden warmth you feel in your chest. «It’s the least I could do, for what happened?» his sentence sounds again like a question, but by now you’re kinda used to it. You scoff.

«Let’s say I forgive you for the dress and the awkward meeting» you tease. His eyes squint and he wrinkles his nose.

«That wasn’t my fault» he murmurs.

«Your friend?»

He nods. «Teahyung»

«Well, then I forgive Teahyung and you for the dress» you smile again, his heart is beating like crazy.

«How much do I have to embarrass my-myself for the drink Yoongi spilled on you?» he’d like to giggle but he feels so freaking nervous that all he can do is let out a puff.

«I don’t know, you’re pretty good at that. I’d end up enjoying the show eventually and it wouldn’t be fair, I’d let you go on» you tease again. Jungkook’s cheeks heat up. His brain trying to understand if you’d say something like this because you like the way he acts around you or just for the fun of teasing him. The truth is, neither you know it now.

«It’s the thing I seem to be better at» your giggle makes him feel lighter.

«I was kidding» you stop your steps and he realizes you’re already in front of the cafe.

«You’re forgiven, more than forgiven. I actually feel like I owe you something now» you explain looking directly in his dark eyes, and damn, he’s really beautiful.

«Oh- no, no! Don’t, please» he shakes his head. «I- I wanted to make it up to you, you don’t owe me anything»

«Well, let me get you a coffee or something you’d like at least?» you point at the shop behind you. Jungkook licks his lips and takes another deep breath before nodding, following you in and trying to look elsewhere but the way you swing your hips with every step. You’re gonna be the death of him, and he’s slowly falling even more with every word you say.

Thanks to the time the cafe is almost empty, only two or three clients are sit on the chairs at the counter. Nevertheless, you sit at your favorite table, the one in the corner always forgotten by practically everyone. There’s something about this table that makes you feel safe, maybe it’s because no one seems to look at it, sometimes even the waitress forgets it.

«I’ll get a tea» you announce without even glancing at the menu, Jungkook tilts his head to the side and hides his head behind it. You wait for him to choose what he wants and when he’s done you raise your hand to the waitress behind the counter. The woman quickly walks to you, giving you a gentle smile.

«What can I serve you?»

«A tea for me»

«I’ll have a Red Velvet latte» Jungkook says, leaving you amused by his choice. The waitress quickly nods and leaves you with another smile.

«Red Velvet?» you ask «I’ve always wanted to try it but I always end up with tea or coffe» you reveal, Kook raises his eyebrows.

«I like- I like it. Maybe you want a sip?»

«Don’t worry, I’ll get it the next time»

«We can switch drinks if you want» he says as the same time as you.

«Really, Jungkook, don’t worry» you smile at him.

«Anyway, I really am thankful for Jin yesterday. He helped me a lot, without him I’d probably end up having a breakdown» you scoff at the end of your sentence even though it’s true. Jungkook watches you as you speak, completely taken by your words and the way you move your lips, your voice seems to be the only thing catching his ears now, not even one of his favorite songs playing in the background gets him.

«Thank you for being so nice and help me, Jungkook. It was Sunday and-»

«Hey, no problem» he cuts off your rumbling with his hand on yours, and the second he realizes what he has just done he takes it away with wide eyes. The only trace he leaves on your skin is the dampness of his sweaty palms.

«I’m- I’m sorry»

«Stop it, please» you almost whine and his features instantly sadden, afraid he just made another mistake. He tries to hide his expression but fails, and the guilt sneaks into you making you shake your head.

«I mean, stop being so stiff. Tell me, what is it?» you ask.

«What?»

«What do I do to make you this nervous?» you ask again. «I can try and-»

«It’s not you.» he cuts you off again. «I- I mean it is you, but it’s me. I-» he stutters.

«I can try to hide my face if you want» youironically propose as you grab the menu and cover your face with it. Jungkook frowns but immediately smiles at your silliness. «Does it work?»

«It- It’s not making any difference» he holds back a laugh.

«Are you sure?» you giggle. He shakes his head.

«I am, just- please, look at me» his words play a strange trick on your mind, making you harshly gulp as your heart skips a few beats. It’s noy like he had just said something that important, but your mind goes blank for a second.

«Y/N?» he calls, eyes fixated on the menu you’re holding. He stretches his arm out and grabs at the paper, slowly lowering it from your face. Your eyes, your nose, your lips. Jungkook stares at every feature of your face taking in the sight in front of him, the power you have on him is fucking scary, and he’s realizing it for the first time now looking in your eyes.

«What happened?» he lets out in a whisper, not really certain of his voice at the moment. You gulp and shake your head. You don’t even know what happened, how are you supposed to explain him?

«There you go, your tea and your Red Velvet» the waitress comes in the way, and you thank her in your mind for saving you from the awkward situation you just putted yourself into. However, the interruption is fast and she leaves in a matter of seconds leaving you with your drinks.

You can’t help but glance at his glass, the crimson color of the drink intrigues you and the chocolate chips on top are the perfect frame. Jungkook lifts it from the table and stretches his arm again towards you, putting the drink basically under your nose.

«Try it» he manages to say holding his breath. He doesn’t even know where he gained all of this boldness, he just did it without thinking. And now that you stare at him he’s beginning to think he’s making things awkward again.

Your hands cover his, giving birth to another session of butterflies in his stomach and a shudder running down your spine. Jungkook understands he has to remove his hand from the glass to make you drink and he slips away like he just got burn by a blazing fire.

Taking a sip you let yourself taste the sweetness of the latte and the chocolate chips before giving him his drink again, deciding this will definitely be your next order at this place.

«It’s so good» you whine, Jungkook smiles.

«It’s one of my favorite drinks, Jin- he always tries new things and likes to feed us like babies. He introduced me to this»

«I really like it» you bring your cup of tea to your lips, taking a sip. «My tea is so boring now» his smile widens.

«We can really switch drinks if you-»

«No, don’t worry, really»

He nods, taking the first sip of his Red Velvet.

«So Jin is kinda like the mama of the group?» Jungkook smiles at your comment.

«He is the oldest» he nods. «He likes to take care of us and we like to eat» you giggle at his words.

«His cooking is really good, I haven’t eaten that good in months. I should have insisted more on paying him» you take another sip from your tea.

«Trust me, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it» Jungkook smiles at you, and it’s a matter of seconds before he finally noticed he’s not stuttering anymore. In fact, he feels more comfortable. «He was happy to help»

«Oh, trust me, he helped me a lot»

You try to think what would’ve happen yesterday if it wasn’t for him, the result would have been even worse than it already is. Jungkook’s heart warms up knowing he was really able to help you, he made something right. The smile you have on your face makes him want to work even more to create a brand new one.

«What about Yoongi? Does he spill his drinks on everyone?»

«No, he doesn’t» Jungkook scoffs and avoids telling you the reason why he actually spilled it. «He’s the second hyung. Actually, he’s usually very quiet. His stage name is Suga»

«I heard about him» you raise your eyebrows. «Someone told me he injured his shoulder fighting over a first prize but I didn’t think it was him they were talking about, and honestly I didn’t know if it was true» 

The maknae shakes his head. «It’s not true. He actually got injured while working, he had to find a job to pay for his dance lessons and eventually he started a delivering job. He got hit by a car.» Jungkook stares at the wooden table «People often say that or that he tried to beat one of the judges and got kicked in his ass. I don’t get why they like to make up something so stupid» an heavy sigh leaves his lips.

«Last year I broke my uncle because I was pushing myself too hard for a contest and eventually I didn’t perform. I heard people say I couldn’t ‘cause I was pregnant» you tell him, the memory still makes you wrinkle your nose. Jungkook’s eyes widens before he opens his mouth.

«I hate rumors» he mumbles. «Who- who do you want to know about now?» he stutters a little bit, deciding to bring back the conversation to a positive vibe.

«Taehyung? Was it his name?» you squint your eyes.

«Yes» he nods. «Taehyung is the second maknae and a fashion icon in the group, we always try to look as cool as him but he just has that something that makes you give up and stay in your sweat pants.» you giggle at his comment and he can’t help but smile at your sparkling eyes.

«He doesn’t usually act like the first time we met, he’s pretty confidential.» Jungkook takes the last sip of his Red Velvet and you do the same with your now almost cold tea while you take in all the informations.

«Namjoon is the dad of the group, he’s always willing to give you advices but at the same time able to give you a good shake. He and Jimin are my go to when I need to talk to someone, but the others are pretty good at listening too. Jimin is the third maknae»

«Who’s the first?»

Jungkook puckers his lips. «Me» 

«How old are you?»

«I’m twenty two» he answers, remembering this is the last day he gets to say it. For a little moment he thinks of you at his birthday, but he forces himself to push the picture away, it would be weird to invite you when you’re talking fr the first time.

«I’m older than you!» you can’t help but exclaim, Jungkook licks his lips.

«Really?»

You nod.«I’m twenty four»

«How- how should I call you then?» he bits his lips, a little bit of nervousness sneaks again into him, worried you don’t like the way he has been talking to you.

«Oh, please don’t call me noona!» you shake your head and smile at him.

«Are you sure?»

«Yes, Jungkook. Don’t change the way you were talking to me, I liked it. It was natural» you smile at him, your heart beats faster when a smile shines on his face and lights up his features. Jungkook is trying to be as natural as he can, trying to speak without blubbering still stunned by your presence in front of him, and hearing those words make him less tense.

«Hoseok is the only one left. He’s a ray of sunshine, always able to make you smile and laugh. His stage name is J-Hope. He’s a spring, his movements are as fluid as water. Oh, and he can’t hide his expressions whenever he’s angry, even though it’s difficult to annoy him. His face goes like this» Jungkook’s try to emulate his friend is quickly cut off by your bursting laugh because of his expression, and he can’t hold back his giggles at the sound of your happiness.

«Sounds like a beautiful group» you say when you finally stop laughing, your cheeks are hurting while you take a look inside your mug, realizing only now it’s empty.

«It is, they’re my family» the tone he uses makes a knot built up in your throat, smiling melancholic. And who the hell knows why, Jungkook notices it. 

«Is- is something wrong? Did I say-»

«No, no, no. It’s fine, I’m fine» you quickly say smiling again. He would like to ask you what’s wrong again until you’d probably end up answering him but he thinks he’d invade your personal space and annoying you.

«Are you sure? I- I know I ask this a lot but-»

«I’m sure, thank you for asking» you interrupt him with another gentle smile. Jungkook knows it’s not true, but he nods anyway, bringing his gaze to his empty glass. His action makes you bring yours to your phone, unlocking the screen and realizing only now it’s almost eight and a half.

«I should go now»

He raises his glance, the feeling in his chest it’s telling him to not let you go but he can’t do that.

«I’ll see you tomorrow at the studio?» you ask him while getting up from your chair, rummaging through your purse looking for the wallet. Jungkook is about to say yes when he remembers tomorrow it’s their free day.

«No, not tomorrow» he smiles at you getting up and producing a shrill sound with his chair against the floor, his cheeks heat up for the fiftieth time only in an hour.

«Oh, I guess I’ll see you on Wednesday then? Or whenever we-»

«Could you give me your number?»

If he thought his heart already risked a heart attack many times with you, then now he should be dead from the way it’s beating. Blood running through his body so fast that he can hear it his in his ears, the tip of them and his cheeks flashing red, palms sweating more than before. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked you.

You stare at him for a few seconds, completely stuttered by his question as you gulp harshly and blink a few times.

«You- you promise you won’t send me nudes?» you joke, and this time you are the one who’s left with her mouth agape, wondering where the hell that just came out from. «Oh my-»

«If you don’t ask for them I won’t» Jungkook scoffs, the fact you just said something like that is making him feel lighter. You raise your eyebrows at him.

«I won’t, I surely won’t» you quickly rebut but you’re afraid he might be offended so you keep adding words making everything worse. «I mean- not that I wouldn’t like them, it’s just-»

«Y/N» he interrupts your dwelling. «I- I won’t send or ask for nudes» he laughs at his own words at the end of the sentence, making you grimace.

«I’m- I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that»

«It’s okay» he smiles at you and you let out a shaky breath before putting ten bucks on the table and heading to the door with him.

Jungkook dials your number on his phone and quickly sends you a message to let you save his, still freaking out in his mind for what happened in just an hour of being with you.

The afraid of being awkward he felt at the beginning is still there, but he feels more comfortable now that he knows a little bit about you. He’s still nervous, palms still sweaty and heart still beating like crazy, gaze still trying to lock with yours just to shudder and blush under it. He likes the way his nervousness shaded with the comfortableness you made him feel talking to you, his chest both threatening to explode because of the tension but still tasting the sweetness of the naturalness and ease, the combo is one of the weirdest to ever exist, but it’s true.

«Goodbye, Jungkook» you smile at him after putting your phone back in your purse. You think about your actions for a moment before quickly tiptoeing and leaving a soft peck on his cheek that makes him almost feel dizzy. The way your soft lips touched his skin will haunt him even in his dreams tonight. He’s not rapid enough to smile at you while you turn and walk away, too shocked by your actions, but he smiles anyway.

This is the first time Jungkook realizes he just had a bite of the cake, and now he wants to eat it all.

«Are you kidding?» Taehyung’s deep voice resonates through the stairwell and Jungkook can hear it even by pulling his phone away from his ear.

«I’m not, Tae» he rushes to the door and hangs up before opening it sure that his friend is already there. In fact, he is. Standing still in front of him in his Gucci palazzo trousers looking like a model.

«Happy birthday, Kookie» he smiles at him and hugs him tight making Jungkook chuckle.

«You just said it on the phone»

«I know» he pats his shoulder. «Where are the others?»

«They’re coming» Jungkook takes a look to his lounge, the table is already set and the food is almost ready, Jin will be proud of him.

«Is she coming too?» Taehyung asks, Jungkook turns like top.

«What? No»

«Why not?»

«I don’t know... we don’t have that much of intimacy. And with you?» he knits his eyebrows thinking of the possible ending of doing something like that. «She’d probably feel like a fish out of water and you’re gonna embarrass me if I’m not the one doing it» he shakes his head.

The bell rings and Kook rushes to the door to welcome his friends, Hobi and Jin are standing there with the biggest smiles on their faces and hands full of envelopes, smiles as bright as the sun.

«There will be a day when you’ll be old and people will make fun of you, and it’s coming! Happy birthday!» Jin hugs the maknae laughing for his own words and Jungkook does the same. Hobi joins the hug, making Tae grimace and run to them.

«I feel alone» he mumbles before wrapping his arms around the three of them, Jungkook in the middle is almost dying, being the burger in the middle of the bread.

«Happy birthday!» Hobi screams, his voice echoing in the hallways remembers Jungkook the door is still open.

«Okay, now set me free» he laughs. «Where are the others?» their grip on him loosen and he finally closes the door.

«They went to buy you a cake, Seokjin made you one but Joon ate it last night without knowing it was yours» Hobi burst out laughing.

«It was obvious! He should’ve known it!» Jin screams frustrated with his eyes wide.

«Look at that!» Jimin points at the cake through the glass, his eyes sparkling at the sight and his mouth begging to taste the sweetness of the sponge cake. He looks like a baby.

«Ugh, Chimin! It’s for Jungkook, not you!» Namjoon scolds him making the corners of his mouth drop.

«I know what he likes!» he says back. Yoongi shuts his eyes, they’ve been in here for almost ten minutes now, fighting over which cake they could buy and not really getting anything.

«Do you-»

«He’ll like that» Yoongi cuts off Joonie’s words and point at the cake nodding to the pastry chef behind the counter who quickly smiles at him.

«Could you write “Jungkook” on top of it?» Jimin asks with a kind smile, the baker nods and he raises his eyebrows at Namjoon.

«See? It’s gonna be perfect, you need to listen to me!»

Namjoon sighs and shakes his head, taking a glance out of the shop to see his girlfriend still in the car waiting for them, eyes fixated on her phone.

Your parents had decided to ring your doorbell without telling you they were coming over. Luckily - or unfortunately - it’s Tuesday, and on Tuesday you’re usually home for lunch, but when the doorbell squeaked you didn’t really think it was them. Maybe the postman or a neighbor, but not your parents.

«Surprise!» they both screamed. It was the worst surprise ever. You didn’t know they were coming so you didn’t make lunch for them, didn’t tidy up properly, didn’t hide your things and didn’t lock your door. Plus, you weren’t prepared for another mental breakdown, not so soon after they gave you one just two days ago. And you still aren’t now, listening to them talking while you eat your salad.

«Your mother decided to come visit Ailiseu for a few days and September is already here so we decided not to wait until next month, it’ll be too cold» your father explains, his smile going from ear to ear. You instantly pray for the mental health of your cousin knowing how your parents can be, she’s gonna go out of her mind.

«Exactly! And we’re staying at her place, since she has a big house. Sorry honey, we would’ve asked you but we thought we’d be too much in here.»

«No problem» you try to sound as kind as possible. This is the good side of having a small house, at least.

«How long will you stay?»

«Three days» your father says «but we’re going to Ailiseu for dinner, we’d like to spend today with you»

«Take a day off of work.» your mother points her index finger at you. «We’ll have fun! We could go to the mall and buy some clothes, I really don’t like the shirt you’re wearing»

You stop eating fixing your gaze on your meal and trying to stay calm. This is a nightmare. How are you supposed to not go to work when they saw you were fine this morning? And notify them in half an hour? Your boss is going to go out of his mind and kill you. You won’t even be able to rehearsal today, obviously.

«Mom, I-»

«Please?» your father cuts you off.

You give up. It’s scientifically proven that you can’t beat them at this game without bursting out, that would definitely lead to an argument and you really are not in the mood for it. So you nod and finish your lunch listening to all their stories, your mother complaining about everything: the broken electric hand dryer at the gas station they stopped in, the way your father drives, your shirt - again -, your salad, your house and again your job. All of her words only make you wish to end this day as soon as possible but against your desire, time only seems to slow down while you wait for your her to come out of the bathroom.

You’re ready to go to the mall, you already called your boss and told him you had a setback and couldn’t go back to work this afternoon, and like you predicted before he didn’t sound happy at all, groaning things you couldn’t understand and quickly hanging up. Your mother is been in the bathroom for twenty minutes now making you frown and sink in your couch. When she finally comes out you head to the door in a second.

«Let’s go shopping!»

Your feet are hurting, if they could talk their exact words would be “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” at every step you take. You’ve been in here for almost six hours now, dragged from a shop to another, from a salon to a shoe store and you’re pretty sure that by now you entered all the shops in the mall.

«What’s the time?» your mother finally stops walking at your father’s question, taking a glance at her golden watch.

«It’s almost eight,» she answers raising her eyes to you «we should probably go. Do you mind giving us a ride to Ailiseu’s place?»

You try to fake a small and force yourself to nod despite your tiredness, all you’d like to do now is lay down and sleep. Your brain health is being put to serious danger today, with all your parents endless rumblings and complaints, your mother even tried to buy you a shirt just for you to go change the one you have on in the public restrooms.

You head to your car with big strides and yawning, your parents’ words behind you about how beautiful your cousin’s house is  and how much their parents must be proud of her are making your chest heavy and your head pound.

You hope not to stay stuck in traffic once you get in your car and get out of the parking lot. You only make it to a few blocks before your wishes and hopes totally fade away, the cars blocking the street and the sounds of the honking filling your ears.

«We’re gonna be late, Ailiseu is waiting for us» your father sighs.

«Can’t you take a different road?»

«How am I supposed to take a different road now? There are cars behind me» you huff at your mother’s words.

«Then honk!»

«It’s not gonna change a thing, everyone is doing that!» you claim. Your dad shakes his head.

You wait at least five minutes before you move again, the silence only filled with your mother’s huffs and annoyed muttering. When you think you finally made it and you’re gonna be home soon, a loud thud makes you shudder and not even a second later you’re being pushed against the wheel because of the swing of your car, hitting your forehead against the glass of the windshield.

It takes you a few moments to realize you just got hit and before you know it you’re already putting on your hazards and heading out of your car. How is it even possible to witness to accidents in just a few days? 

You take a look to your parents while they do the same as you and when you see they’re fine you let out a sigh of relief that lasts as quickly as it came out. Your car is devastated at the back and there is no way you can walk home without shedding parts along your way, you only feel grateful that you and your parents are not hurt.

The man in the car behind you approaches you with fast steps and a worried face, tired eyes and shaky voice.

«I’m so sorry, I should’ve been more careful»

You don’t even understand how he managed to make such a mess to your car with the traffic on the streets now, he probably came out from one of the small roads where there weren’t cars and you were the lucky one to welcome him in the jam.

The man leaves you his number telling you to call him once you know how much this is going to cost you and quickly leaves, you end up calling a taxi for your parents and a tow truck for your car, trying to stay as awake as possible. After forty five minutes of waiting you’re so tired that you could lay down and sleep in the middle of the road if it wasn’t for the cars threatening your life, but apparently someone is hearing your prayers and the tow truck comes to rescue you. Your car is brought to the mechanic and you say goodbye to another one hundred bucks for the tow truck. You’re left alone in the middle of the jam, so you move to the sidewalk ready to call a cab. You had the worst day and you’re already thinking of how much you’ll have to work to get all the money you just lost back.

«Y/N?»

You’re being caught off guard when someone calls you while you’re bringing the phone to your ear. When you turn and find Jin smiling at you you quickly hang up.

«Jin, hi»

«What are you doing here?» he looks down at you as if he’s the Eiffel Tower and you’re the grass.

«Uhm, my car broke, I was going to call a taxi»

«If you want I can give you a ride? Can you wait a little bit? Just the time to sing happy birthday to Jungkook and give him the gifts, we’re looking forward to embarrass him» he laughs.

«Oh, it’s Jungkook’s birthday?» Jin nods realizing only now that Kook probably didn’t tell you. «I don’t know... I don’t want to bother, I wasn’t invited and I don’t have a gift and-»

«I think you’re thinking too much» he quickly cuts you off. «I don’t think it will be a problem for Jungkook or the others, he’ll be happy to see you»

You sigh. You could call a taxi and wait for it, spend another fifty bucks and head home. Or you could wait a little bit and spend the time you’d spend waiting on the street with them and maybe have a little bit of fun after this awful day, maybe. If things won’t get awkward again. It’d save you money you could use for the groceries, after all.

«Lead the way» you end up saying thanking him with a warm smile. He nods and soon you’re in the elevator waiting for the doors to open, hoping not to look as awful as you feel right now. You still feel sorry to break into his birthday party without an invitation, a gift or even a little bit of more intimacy between you two, so when the doors open and you hear the laughters coming from one of the apartments you think of getting back outside and call a cab. But it’s too late, one of his friends already holds the door open for Jin, glancing over his shoulder with curious eyes and widening them at you.

«Jimin, this is Y/N» Jin introduces you to his friend gesturing with his hands an impossible language for you to understand, not that it does have meaning, he’s just trying to tell him to contain his expressions.

«Y/N, hi!» his voice is soft and it makes you smile without an apparent reason. You link him to Jungkook’s words yesterday, the third maknae and apparently, the friend he often chooses to ramble on to.

«Jungkook!» he screams over the laughters coming from the other room, eyes still fixated on you.

«Teahyung won’t let me come!» At the sound of how happy is voice sounds, laughing and cracking in the middle you can’t avoid the warmth in your chest.

«Come in» Jimin steps aside and lets you and Jin in the house. «You can give your coat to me»

You thank him and give him your coat before you’re following Jin in the other room where the others are. Their laughters stop in a second when they glance at you, now filling the place just with silence. Jungkook’s heart stops beating for a moment, totally shocked and overwhelmed by your presence, mouth agape and eyes widened. He wasn’t prepared to see you, he totally wasn’t. He stares at blankly as if he just saw a ghost and not even when Taehyung finally sets him free from his hold he’s able to say something. Your cheeks are burning like fire under all their gazes.

«I’m Taehyung» the guy who was holding him smiles at you and takes a few steps before reaching out his hand. «I’m sorry about the awkward meeting»

«Oh, don’t worry» you shrug at the memory.

«Jungkook?» a deep voice seems to wake him up from his trance, Namjoon is telling him to do something with his eyes.

«I’m Namjoon»

Soon enough all of them gather around you and shake your hand welcoming you into the house with bright smiles and kind words. The only girl in the group tells you to call her Kitty and tells you she’s the Namjoon’s girlfriend, she seems pretty nice and you end up talking for at least twenty minutes, all of your tiredness seems to disappear. The only one you still didn’t talk to is Jungkook, and you’re afraid he’s annoyed by your presence. The thought makes your head throb, but you wouldn’t blame him after all. It’s his birthday and sure he’d like to spend it with the people he loves, not with you that he doesn’t know much and weren’t even invited.

«You should go talk to her» Namjoon whispers in Kookie’s ear.

As if he hasn’t thought about it already. Jungkook knows he should talk to you, but as I said before, he really isn’t prepared for this. And seeing you talking with his friends and smiling makes the feeling in his chest even more uncontainable. You’re smiling and you seem at ease with them, sipping from your glass from time to time and laughing at Jin’s jokes. He likes this picture, you in his house, all bright and happy. He could get used to it. And all of this, only makes his anxiety grow until it’s skyrocketing.

«I’m gonna say or act awkward and ruin things again, I’m not-»

«And do you think that staying here won’t? She’s in your house, it’s your birthday and you didn’t even greet her. It surely...» he trails off when you take a few steps towards them. Jungkook bits the petal of his lower lip feeling the usual but still new mixture of emotions rushing through his blood until it reaches his chest and totally takes over him. Namjoon pats at his shoulder and glance at you with a kind smile before standing up from the couch with Hobi and heading to the kitchen. Jungkook stares at you for the millionth time, wishing to say something, anything, but the words are caught in his throat.

«Happy birthday» you stop in front of him, glancing down at the pillows beside him. «Can I?»

 He raises his eyebrows and opens his mouth even more before nervously nodding.

«I’m sorry,» you say softly after sitting on the couch «I didn’t want to break in and annoy you, my car broke and Jin offered me a ride home and-»

«You didn’t annoy me, you don’t annoy me. Never- you never annoy me» he blurts out. «You- you can stay as much as you want» his cheeks are heating up, and you don’t even know why but you suddenly smile like a baby, his words make you feel more at ease.

«I don’t have a gift»

«It doesn’t matter» he smiles at you, your heart both stuttering when you lock eyes.

«If I’m being honest, I-» he stops talking, eyes shifting from yours to meet the ground.

«What?»

Jungkook stays silent for a moment, thinking about what he wants to say over and over again, trying not to make it sound as cheesy as it sounds in his head, but the truth is that there aren’t other words to express it.

«I like you here»

«What?»

«I-» he gulps «I like you here, with us?» he wants to slap himself. Why did he even think about telling you something like this?

«You seem happy?»

You squint your eyes at him, something about this conversation is making you more nervous than usual.

«I think I am?» why are you asking him?

Jungkook scoffs at your tone, it comes out so naturally that it makes your heart flutter. «You don’t sound so sure about that» he quotes your words, a bright smile creeping upon your face.

«Everyone is so nice and easy-going, and they made me feel comfortable even though I wasn’t meant to be here» you shrug. «You weren’t joking when you talked about them»

«Actually...» he clears his throat «I though of invating you yesterday but I- I didn’t cause I though it would be weird? I mean-»

«Jungkook, you don’t need to explain me why you didn’t invite me. Don’t justify yourself»

«I’m not» he replies fast enough to make you knit your eyebrows.

«But I’m happy you’re here now» the sound of those words are like sugar to your hypoglycemic heart, hearing them makes you feel something you never experienced, something that you missed since you were a little girl. The simple act of being happy to have someone near you and not expect anything from them is something you never witnessed, neither from your parents, even though they love you under those cold masks they wear. People always seemed to expect something from you, always. Jungkook is not telling those words without meaning them, he’s not expecting a thing from you. Not even a gift.

«Jungkook!» Hobi screams from the kitchen, tone breaking into a laughter and soon joined by others too. Jungkook shuts his eyes for a moment and then smiles before standing up from the couch. With boldness he didn’t think he has, he stretches his hand out for you to grab it, waiting with held breath and unsure dark doe-eyes staring directly into yours.

It’s a matter of seconds before you loose up and reach out to his hand, fingers intertwining with each other’s and a shudder running down your spine.

Jungkook stands still for a moment, his hand is limp against yours, he didn’t really think you’d grab his hand, not in this way. You’re not holding it to help you stand up, you’re intertwining your fingers with him. It’s different. The heat rising in your cheeks makes you feel like a teenager with her first crush and only now you realize that that’s why your heart is pounding and your brain is overthinking more than usual. You’re about to split away since he doesn’t tightens his grip on you, mentally slapping yourself for doing something like this. You’re fingers leave his and Jungkook’s chest feels suddenly more heavy. Reaching out again, he grabs your hand, fingers intertwine with yours and this time in a tight and sicure grip. His hands are a little bit sweaty for the nervousness, but so are yours. Your heart stutters, breath held as if you were free diving.

Both of you stand still for a moment before turning to look at each other, not even the time to say something that Hoseok is calling again from the kitchen.

«Jungkookie!»

«Happy birthday!» the screams fill the apartment, Jungkook’s features are priceless with his eyes squinted and his cheeks flashing red, trying as best as he can not to die under everyone’s affections.

«Blow out the candles!» Jimin shouts «I’m the one who choose the cake!»

The happiness and the intimacy in the room is so overwhelming that you feel out of place for a moment, but Taehyung grabs you by your arm and brings you closer to the group.

«Come here, embarrass him with us» he winks making you laugh. Jungkook shakes his head, he’s still at ease for the happy birthday song but he can’t fight the big bunny smile taking over his face. And when he sees you laughing with Teahyung, it takes him just a second to let go of the uncomfortable feeling in his chest only to be left with the desire of the sweet taste of the cake, and not the one on the wooden table.

Taking a deep breath he blows out the candles, eyes fixated over you making your heart skip a few beats. He doesn’t even think of a wish, all he wants it’s here tonight; the warmth of his friends, the love they feel for each other, maybe the new beginning of something, anything.

The candles die out, leaving the room in the dark for a few seconds before someone finally turns the lights on.

«Time for the presents!» Namjoon screams.

«Oh, please!» Jungkook whines and the laughters of his friends grow even more. Yoongi disappears to bring all the bags with the presents in and everyone except from Jungkook and Hoseok seats on the carpet in front of the couch even though it’s empty, you guess it’s one of their habits.

«I’m gonna cut the cake» Hobi announces turning around to face the table and start his task while Jungkook makes his way through the bodies of his friends, apparently towards you. He stops in front of you, still standing still a little bit out of place.

«You wanna sit on the couch?» he points at the sofa and you end up asking yourself why you didn’t do it sooner. You sit on the cushions, eyes fixated in front of you even when he follows you and sits beside you under everyone’s gaze, his friends staring at him before gazing away.

«Here comes the cake!» Hobi is a ray of sunshine with his bright smile while he distributes the dishes to everyone and soon enough you’re closing your eyes and letting out a whine at the taste of the sponge cake.

«It’s so good» you let out with your mouth full, words almost puzzling. Jungkook bursts out laughing and you need to gulp trying not to choke.

«Ah! See?» Jimin points at Namjoon «I choose it!» he turns to you with bright eyes and a big smile reaching his eyes.

«My taste buds are thanking you» 

Yoongi enters the room with his hands full of bags and places them beside Jungkook.

«Alright, let’s begin» he sits in front of the couch. Jungkook takes a deep breath and turns to grab the first bag.

«This is from?»

«Ugh, I forgot to write it again» Hobi murmurs making everyone laugh. Jungkook opens all the gifts, every single one of them makes you know him a little more, a little better, a little deeper. From the sweater of Hoseok to the set of products for his skincare by Jimin, they all tell you something about him. It’s Jin’s turn when he suddenly gets up from the carpet and shakes his head in the jumpiest of ways.

«Wait, wait, wait!» he almost screams. When he realizes what he’s doing he try to fake a smile. «I need to talk to you»

«What?»

«I need to talk to you» he repeats.

«Now?»

«Jungkook ya! Yes, now!» Jin looks at him with eyes widened almost as if he’s trying to communicate with him but Jungkook can’t really understand what is happening, so he just wakes up and follows Jin in another room, not a second later the hyung comes back just to bring his presence for Kookie with him.

«Alright, I’m gonna take another piece of cake» Namjoon says, her girlfriend gets up from the carpet with him to do the same. Taehyung smiles at you from the ground and quickly gets up, sitting next to you. You end up talking for at least ten minutes, conversation as fluid as the water and a comfortable feeling of naturalness you haven’t been feeling for a long time. You think you’d like to hang out with them more, they make you feel good with their positivity.

Jungkook finally comes back in the room after fifteen minutes, gaze and smile that now you can identify as nervous. He sits on the couch beside you grabbing Jin’s present again, digging in the bag until he finds it. Ripping the paper off, the new set of kitchen tools lights up his eyes. Now that the presents are all discarded, Jin looks at you.

«Do you want to go home now?»

Would that be wrong or weird if your answer was no? You glance at Jungkook, his eyes already on you.

«Wait, wait!» he bursts out, now standing up and heading out of the room. Your expression is blank until he comes back, wondering what just happened. Jin seems to smile when he see his friend rushing back with a bag in his left hand.

«Come ou- out, please?» Jungkook asks. You nod still uncertain and you follow him to the balcony, he makes sure to close the door behind you so that nobody can hear you.

Silence fills the air just for a little bit, the only sound that can be heard is the night, so peaceful and quiet, the light whistle of the wind. Jungkook is again repeating to himself that he can talk without embarrassing himself or making you feel awkward, he did it until now, kinda. He clears his throat and raises his gaze, hand scratching his neck. This can’t go worst than the first times you met, after all. It’s a simple action.

«I-» he stops without even starting.

«Am I making you nervous again?»

His expression changes, eyes widening and mouth hanging agape as he starts to shake his head.

«No, I- I mean...» he trails off and you don’t know why, but you feel the need to reassure him. So you smile at him, one of those warm smiles that makes his heart stutter and wonder if he’ll ever get to see another one, if this one doesn’t kill him. He gathers all his strength to talk through the smile that wants to take over his features.

«I’ve got your dress» he lifts his hand.

«What?»

«I’ve- I’ve got your dress. This is your dress, the dress you wanted» his cheeks are burning.

«It-it’s not my dress, it’s yours»

«I-» his eyes widen at the thought of the explanation he has to give you, so many words he wants to groan.

«I saw you liked the dress and-»

«You saw I liked the dress?»

«Yes, I mean- I was in the shop when you came in.» he claims. «I saw you looking at the dress and I thought you’d like it as an apology gift? So I- I was trying to understand the size you were looking for and praying that there was on- only one or that you’d let me buy it for you.» he quickly blurts out.

«There was, but you had already found it and I- I should’ve just walk away but I didn’t and-» he stops again.

«You know the end»

He had already told you what happened but you really didn’t think it was this, with the little details it sounds totally different. The silence makes his way again and Jungkook feels like he’s about to explode for the way his cheeks are heating up, so he’s quick to place the bag in your hands.

«I- I wanted to give it to you and I took it at the rehearsals. Jin- he mistook it for a towel and- this- this is a new one don’t worry. I tried to search for it online but apparently they only sell it in his store and Jin found it today and-»

«Thank you» you cut him off, your warm smile reaching your eyes and now setting on fire his. He’s sure he’s gonna burn by the end of this.

Opening the bag and raising your hands to look at the cloth you realize that you couldn’t care less now. It’s beautiful, but it’s just a piece of cloth. It’s the action behind it that you find more beautiful, even though you would’ve never think about it this way just a few days ago. Jungkook searched for it online, and he grabbed it from you because he wanted to buy it for you. Well, maybe he should learn how to contain himself, but it doesn’t matter. He never wanted to tease you or make you feel uncomfortable, it’s just a consequence of him being around you. And that’s exactly why he acted like that.

«I’m sorry»

«We need to stop to say that» you scoff. «I don’t care anymore, not now that I know what happened»

«So- you- you’re not mad at me?» 

«Why should I be?» you frown at him «Jungkook, I’m not. Honestly, I-» you stop talking to glance at him. And the only thing you can feel is your heartbeat raising until it’s skyrocketing, you can feel it in your ears. An insolite warmth, a weird sense of happiness you never got to really feel. And something inside you is telling you to fucking let go of your armor, break it apart and take a risk for once, just one and just now. Damn, how much you would like to know what’s the taste of his lips, of him. If only you were more bold.

«Trust me, I’m not mad at you» you almost whisper, so low you’re not even sure he heard it.

Jungkook shifts his gaze from you to the dress in your hands, and before he can stop himself the words are already leaving his mouth. 

«Do- do you want to wear it?» he wants to slap his face again.

«Now?»

«You’re right, do- don’t. I mean, if you want to wear it I-»

«Jungkook, stop talking»

You look into his dark doe-eyes fighting the urge to drown in them, but it’s just a matter of understanding it, you already are breathless and desperately swimming to get to the surface.

«I don’t think it’s the right dress code for tonight and Jin is probably waiting for me»

«I- I can give you a ride if you want? I mean, you can stay more, you know that?»

«I wouldn’t like to both-»

«You don’t.» he states, eyes never leaving yours.

«Please, stay? Just a little more. Or let me take you home?» he’s almost imploring for a little bit more of your presence, but he doesn’t care anymore, not now. There’s something inside him that doesn’t want to do anything else than let you know the effect you have on him, what a strong power.

«Alright» you breath out. «I’ll stay, but tomorrow I have to wake up at six, I’ll probably have to go in a little bit»

Jungkook nods and feels the guilt sneaking in at the same time.

«Oh, I didn’t know it. You- you can go»

«Jungkook, I’ll stay for a little bit more. Don’t worry.» you lightly scoff, his worrying for you causes a weird feeling in your chest. «I’d be happy to eat another piece of cake.» you smile.

«Plus, I like being with you» 

Jungkook feels his chest warming, the thought of him making you feel good almost sends him dizzy. He knows that he can’t answer you now, he’d just say or blubber something without any sense, so he just smiles. One of those smiles that you really don’t know what they do to you, but you can feel it.

You end up talking for another five minutes before he goes in to bring a piece of cake to share and to tell Jin he doesn’t have to leave now to take you home, you didn’t tell him if he can give you a ride, but Jin usually leaves pretty late, so it’s not a problem for him.

When he comes back again he’s sure he has never seen someone as beautiful as you. The way the light of the moon lights up your features and the shadows of the night make them look even more charming, the way the light breeze makes you hair swing.

Jungkook sits beside the table and you do the same, body facing the city lights that make you feel a little more small.

«Here» he gives you a spoon. You eat the cake, air filled with light laughters from time to time and light conversation. His presence really seems to make you feel good, lightweight. Like you haven’t felt in months. The end of the time you gave yourself quickly arrives and you end up standing up and ask him for the bathroom before you go home.

The tiredness is taking over you again, but you’re not regretting staying more, not even a little bit. Placing your phone and your purse on the washbasin you start to think of how fast things can change in just the slightest amount of time. Just a couple of days ago you thought he was trying to make fun of you with his friends, and now you’re enjoying their presence and wishing the night would last just a couple of house more, so that you could go to sleep later. But it’s not possible, so you quickly grab your purse and rush back where Jin is waiting for you. You told him before you would be leaving with him, even thought the thought of Jungkook giving you a ride home was screaming to come out, you don’t want to ruin the party by bringing away the birthday boy. Saying goodbye to everyone is like a promise of seeing each other again and you end up sharing your numbers with Namjoon’s girlfriend and with Teahyung, telling each other you’d like to hang out together.

When it’s Jungkook’s turn he hands you your bag with your dress in it knowing you left it on the balcony to go to the bathroom.

«I’ll see you tomorrow?» he asks with a low tone as if it’s a secret.

Thinking about what happened today with your car, you’re not quite sure if you’ll make it to the rehearsals tomorrow, you have to work until midday and if your boss lets you, you’d like to work overtime to save more money, you already spent a bunch of them for the tow truck and you still have to fix your car. You’re just glad your mechanic is a friend of yours and will probably give you a discount.

«I’m not sure I’ll make it, I’ll probably work overtime» you grimace. Jungkook‘s features fall a little bit but he’s quick not to show you and nods. You’re about to tiptoe and leave two pecks on his cheeks like you did with everyone when his hand reaches yours and your heart do cartwheels. Your fingers intertwine for the second time tonight and you can feel your cheeks heating up with his.

Jungkook keeps telling himself to not make you feel uncomfortable, this is a bad idea, but he really doesn’t understand you feel everything but uncomfortable right now. The warmth of his body is so close to yours that you’d like to crush in his arms without any hesitation. Looking up at him, he stares at your face, marveled by the way you make him feel before quickly tilting his head. The action is so fast you don’t have time to understand what’s happening, and in a second his lips are pressed against your forehead, gente and dangerously soft that you’d die to feel them on yours.

Without even realizing it your arm wraps around his back and he feels himself stiffening at the contact, he wasn’t expecting it, and neither his cock, now throbbing in his jeans and remembering him that its better if he lets you go. So he does so, trying to smile as best as he can and ignore the reddish of his cheeks. Thanks to God no one is watching you, or he’d be dead by now.

«Good night, Jungkook. And happy birthday.»

And so you smile at him and turn around to head to the door with Jin.

What a birthday.

It’s only the next day you realize you don’t have your phone. You want to yell at yourself for adding another piece to the puzzle of your stress. You did nothing but run like crazy for the whole morning at work and you thought that at least you could relax during your lunch break but apparently, it’s not possible. You have two free hours and you don’t have any idea about what you’re going to eat for lunch, but you repeat to yourself it doesn’t matter. You’re just praying you told the right address to the cab driver and hoping that he is home. You’re going to Jungkook’s, and the thought alone makes a fluttering sensation rush through your chest, and now you’re even more nervous. You usually wouldn’t break in people’s house like this but it’s the only way, you really need your phone today considering your car is at the mechanic’s and your parents are in the same city as you. You can’t wait until tomorrow and hope he’ll bring it to the studio, this is the only way.

When you find yourself opening the car door and taking a glance to the building in front of you it’s safe to say you feel relieved. At least the address is the right one. Your steps are smooth and you make it to the entrance door without any problem, but when you search for his name on the intercoms you suddenly feel stuck in place, your heart beating faster than usual. Repeating to yourself you need your phone, you press the button and wait for him to answer. A few seconds pass by and you’re already losing hope when finally a bzz signals that the entrance door is just being open. You expected him to ask you who you were but he simply quitted so you stare at the name on the button wondering if you should press it again. Your fingers move faster than your thoughts and a second later you’re waiting for him to answer to tell it’s you, but Jungkook seems to have a different idea and again, he just re opens the entrance door. Sighing gently and giving up, you enter the apartments and get in the elevator.

The thought of being here again is making your chest warm, so warm it feels like a summer day. Last night since the moment your head touched your pillow you thought about him shamelessly, trying to understand the way he made you feel and to categorize it in some kind of way. You found no answer, you don’t even understand yourself when you’re with him. Yesterday has been one of the worst days ever but it took him nothing to make it better for you, even with his stuttering and nervousness, he was able to make you feel... mattered? Since the moment you met him for the first time Jungkook screwed up almost every time you talked, but he always found a way of making it up, maybe with a little bit of unease and already on his way to screw up one more time, but he did. And just the simple fact he cares enough to try even though he knows you so little makes you smile and worry at the same time. You’re not used to all this attention, you’re usually the one who’s always trying to hard, at his place.

The doors open and and you have to go out to let the person in front of you get in the elevator, so you end up staring at his door.

«I’m going now!» a yell comes from inside, you don’t have time to understand whose voice it is or what it’s happening that Jimin is already standing in front of you with his eyebrow raised and a smile forming on his lips.

«Hi, Y/N»

«Jimin, stop teasing me!» Jungkook screams from inside. Jimin widens his eyes and then his lips in a shocked expression as you smile at him.

«Hi, Jimin»

Just the sound of your voice and the maknae is losing it all, rushing to the door to see if his mind played a trick on him. Apparently it didn’t, since you’re staring at him with your mouth open and your breath stuck in your throat, and Jimin has pretty much the same expression.

Why are you... Oh-

«Fuck, I’m sorry» his cheeks heat up and Jimin shuts his eyes as Jungkook realizes he’s not wearing his shirt, fast enough to run to his bedroom that he could challenge the wind. His friend shakes his head.

«I should go, see you» he holds the door open for you to enter and then goes out with a warm smile. The second he shuts it you’re left in a house that now seems ten times bigger than yesterday night, maybe for the lack of people, maybe for the silence. Or maybe because you feel so little in this moment you wouldn’t be surprised if someone stepped on you.

«I’m sorry to break in your apartment like this» you speak out loud, not sure if he hears you. Jungkook bites his lips.

«I forgot my phone and-»

«Here» he shows up from the corner of the short hallway, your phone in his hand.

«Thank you» you grab it and put it in your purse.

«I charged it for you yesterday night»

«Oh, really?» he nods. You smile as another thank you and Jungkook opens his mouth to speak when a low grr fills the air and this time it’s you the one with your cheeks reddening.

«Are- are you hungry?» What a stupid question, of course you are. «I made some pasta if you want it»

«I should be back to work in an hour and a half and I’m not sure I have the time to eat, I have to wait for a cab too»

«I- I can take you? If you want?» he licks his lips. «It’d save you time and the pasta is ready»

He’s right, and your stomach is dying to be filled.

«Alright» you nod and he smiles triumphant, the way his eyes seem to smile at your words makes you wonder.

«Why are you so kind to me?»

Jungkook’s smile turns into a slight pout that makes you want to peck his lips as he raises his eyebrows.

«What do you mean?»

You struggle to find the right words. «I- You... you always try to help me or worry about me, even for little things like when we went to the cafe and you kept on asking me if I wanted to switch drinks. When things become awkward it’s because you try to make a good impression and fail, but you’re always trying.» the tone you’re using makes Jungkook grimace. He can tell you’re not used to this from the way you’re shifting your weight from foot to foot as you speak.

How can he explain it to you? How can he tell you he’s so head over heels for you he can’t even think of stop trying? Jungkook bites the petal of his lips furiously as his mind tries to find the right answer, but there is not and he lets out a strangled groan as he realizes it.

« I... I- I really like you» 

Your expression is blank, totally. His words almost seem not to touch you as he studies every part of your face for a reaction.

«You’re not used to this, ri- right?» he scratches the back of his neck.

«I’m really not» you breath out. Jungkook knits his brows together.

«Do you- you want me stop it?»

«I-» you shake your head «I don’t think so? I’m really not used to it, Jungkook. It may sound incredibly stupid but I never had someone who asked me if I wanted to switch drinks just because he wanted me to taste the best one and not to actually steal it from me.»

«Well, now you have me» his words are firm, so incredibly firm it makes you clench your jaw, and his eyes are the same.

«I- I charged your phone because I was worried you would need it today and couldn’t use it. I’m offering you a ride because I like spending time with you, I don’t want something in return other than you, your time.» his voice his calm and his shoulders seem to loose with every word he says as if he’s letting go of a heavy weight.

It’s all striking you in a second, and the hit is so hard you end up holding your breath. It’s not really the fact he likes you that makes you this stunned, it’s the fact he actually cares. Your parents never showed their affection to you without expecting you to give them something back, wether it was a high grade or a good impression on your neighbors, and when you stopped trying to always give back something their affections towards you had simply stopped, replaced by fake “honey” and other nice words just to cover the fact they didn’t really believe in you enough to show it. And with your friends and coworkers is pretty much the same, always waiting for something in return.

The sudden realization makes your eyes tingle and you vision blurry.

«I’m sorry»

Jungkoook shakes his head and gets closer, the thought that no one ever cared enough to show you how much you matter or acted just for the simple intent of doing something for you and not actually for them wrecks him apart. His mind flies back to when Seokjin told him about your parents and how they acted or spoke to you, he can clearly see the weight of every single word of them in your shiny eyes now, hurting you and making you question his good actions just because you’re used to the most selfish ones. It makes him want to bury you with attention, show you that people can do something for others too and not just to feed their egoistic side.

«Come here» it’s as low as a whisper, but you don’t hesitate a second to let his arms wrap around you, hiding your face on his shirt and soaking it with the tears that are now streaming down your face. His grip is tight and you can hear the stuttering of his heart against your ear, one of his hands gets to your hair and starts to softly, sweetly stroking at them to make you calm down just a little bit, head tilted over yours. His heart is aching seeing you like this.

«I’m sorry»

«Shh, stop saying that. We apologize too much» he holds you even tighter as you fist his shirt in your hands. Jungkook leaves a soft kiss in your hair and your heart skips a beat at the intimacy of the action. It’s only then that you realize you’re really letting someone see this side of you, the one you always try to hide because it’s to fragile to break, the one you hide even from yourself.

Slightly tilting your head upwards to lock eyes with him, Jungkook tries as best as he can to smile at you, even though his chest is has heavy as yours. His hands cup your cheeks, his thumbs caress your skin and wipe your tears away.

«Jungkook»

«Yes?»

«Please, kiss me»

His lips crush onto yours, Jungkook groans at the feeling and you instantly bring one of your hand in his locks as he tastes the salty taste left by the tears. As you lightly bite the petal of his lower lips Jungkook feels like he’s dreaming, and he prays not to wake up. His tongue slides in your mouth, wet and warm against yours, tracing and exploring each other and making you slightly tug at his locks, he moans in your mouth and brings one of his hands to your waist, bringing you closer to his body. The kiss is passionate, so damn needy, but not only in a sexual way. You need love, affection. Jungkook is more than welcome to help you with that, letting you waste all of your insecurities and frustrations on him until you feel completely dried, left with nothing but the realization of his taste on your lips, his hands against your skin, his embrace around you, him. And you need to push away to take it in, letting his forehead hover over yours and his heavy breath crush down on your face. His eyes are looking into yours and they make you feel things you now are able to categorize as humanly impossible, so dark and deep but so bright at the same time, lips still brushing against yours as you both take deep breaths. The frustration in your body is gone, your tears are dried, the only thing left is the need you feel to have him again on you, the desperate desire to taste him again. His mind prepares to the thought of a possible rejection, the idea you begged for him to kiss you just to drift your thoughts away storms his mind but he repeats to himself that whatever thing will come, this was definitely worth it. He’ll just have to face the fact that he just got only one bite of the cake. How can he even believe in it? Your lips are addicting, and he’s already craving for more.

«I could get used to this» you whisper. Jungkook never felt so relieved in all his life than now, letting out a shaky breath heavier than the others.

«Please, do it» he whines making you giggle and bring your lips on his again. This kiss is different from the other, more slow, more sweet, more intimate in a different way cause it’s just about you two. There aren’t emotions to run away from and to waste on the other, the only emotions are the ones you feel for each other. His lips move cautiously on yours as if he wants to taste every single part of you and imprint in his mind, your hand leaves his hair just to reach his neck and then his cheek, resting on his jaw. When you move away he rests his forehead again on yours and tilts down just to leave a few more sweet pecks on your lips, totally addicted to your taste. As you look at him you think this man we’ll send you out of your mind, if he didn’t already.

«Could you get used to me caring about you too?» he breathes. Your smile is bittersweet.

«It might take me a little bit» you answer. Jungkook strokes your cheek with his thumb, showing his bunny smile and making your chest a warmer and happier place.

«Then we’ll practice together, uh?»

«I’d like that»

[doodlenbugs]

Tickle Test

The tickle potion has successfully been created, but someone needs to test to see if the potion actually works.

Sequel to This fic

Words: 1.6k

Big thanks to @mushiewrites for watching me write and giving me little pointers and advice throughout! Made writing this so so much fun!!

-----------------------------------

The potion was put nicely into several bottles and laid out in front of the three friends. The process of completing the concoction was an adventure in itself but it was far from over. Someone was going to have to actually test if the potion actually worked, and the silence that had its hold on the three of them was loud enough to make its big question known: Who was going to be the tester?

"Not it!" Sapnap suddenly destroyed the silence with a startling declaration and touching his finger to his nose. Dream jumped, ready to say the same but he then looked over at George, who's eyes were very fixated on the bubbling and colorful elixir. Dream could see the flickering pink reflection in the man’s irises.

Dream couldn't tell if it was interest or fear, "George I can try the potion if you don't want to," Dream offered, since it had practically been established at this point that he really didn't mind being tickled. Yet George didn't look over at Dream right away, still lost in thought at the sight of their finished potions. Finally the brunette turned to the other too.

"I mean… it just feels like I'd kick myself later if I didn't at least try something new, right?" George wasn't sure what it was about the idea of trying this potion. Maybe it was the unknown, the curiosity? Or maybe just the adrenaline of being the first in thousands of years to try a long lost magic. But thing one was for sure, he was going to drink it sooner or later anyways, so why not get it over with now.

Both Dream and Sapnap widened their eyes at George's offer. In the past, at the mere mention or threat of tickling, George was out of the room. He was the most defensive person Dream personally knew when it came to this kind of stuff. So this was completely out of character for him.

"Are you sure?" Dream questioned, hand coming up to lightly smack against George's forehead, "do you have a fever?"

"Maybe it's the potion fumes," Sapnap chimed in with a chuckle.

George finally laughed at Dream's playful concern, head leaning back at the soft force of his hand. He playfully smacked Dream's hand back off of him in retaliation, giving both of them a reassuring smile.

"I've not lost my mind, and yes, I do actually want to try it. It's enticing isn't it?" He motioned over at the bottled liquid, blushing a little as he tried to convince them just why he was deciding to do this. He hadn't really thought far enough ahead at the idea that this could easily lead to teasing.

"Well alright, I mean it's true, seems like it'd be quite the experience," Dream nodded and grabbed one of the bottles to hand to George. He took it with only slight hesitation as Sapnap sat back against the wall to watch the show.

Dream sat as well and motioned for George to do the same, knowing it's very likely if the potion works he could fall and hurt himself. He opened up his arms, an invitation for George to settle himself in his friend's lap.

"I'm not a dog, idiot," George scoffed, and it became evident but his wavering voice that embarrassment was starting to kick in.

"Yeah but…" Dream actually didn't have much of a reason to have George sit with him other than he felt the need to hold his friend close for this, but he still managed to find one, "uhm, we don't know exactly how the potion works. Yeah, we don't know if you could thrash and end up hurting yourself, I'll just keep you grounded in my arms as well!" George rolled his eyes as Dream gave him puppy dog eyes.

"Ugh, fine," George sat down, turning his back towards Dream before scooting towards him. His back reached Dream's front and he felt comforting arms wrap around him over his waist. Whether he meant to or not, George melted into the comforting hug.

"Alright you fucking lovebirds, just take the fucking potion," Sapnap said rather exasperatedly, but he still found the sight endearing.

George sat up just a little, looking down at the potion still in his hands. He popped off the cork, and spun the liquid around inside the bottle. He knew he was stalling, but he felt Dream tighten his hold slightly and comfortingly, almost as if letting him know he can take his time. He squeezed his eyes tight, took a deep breath, and downed the potion, tilting his head back to get it all down as quickly as possible.

The taste was better than he was expecting, which came as a relief. It tasted of sweet berries, with the aftertaste of what he could only be explained as tasting like how flowers smell. It was fizzy, and popped on the way down almost like pop rock candy, but still there was no tickling sensation yet. Although the popping made him jump, expecting it at any second.

He set the bottle down and wiped his mouth with his sleeve, letting out a shaky breath through his nose. It was done. There's no turning back now.

"You good?" Dream asked, and George just nodded, not daring to open his mouth. It'd been about ten seconds now and nothing had happened yet. Dream was starting to wonder if it was a dud, but then George suddenly tensed.

He sat up straight, and Dream could feel him holding his breath. His muscles were tense as he sat completely still. Deep within his stomach, he could feel a slight warmth begin to grow, the same carbonation like fizz was back, but this time accompanied by a strange tingling. It was a weird feeling to say the least, taking him completely off guard.

And then it started to grow, the fizzing being replaced by more and more tingling, almost replicating the fuzzy feeling of when one of your limbs falls asleep. Against his will, a smile began to form on George's face, and his previous tense state was replaced with squirming.

"Pfft- is it working George? Are you okay?" Dream tightened his hold around his waist and then almost immediately loosened some, not wanting George to feel trapped at all. In response to Dream's question, a muffled whine escaped past George's lips before he covered his mouth with his hands.

As much as he tried to keep his hands tight over his mouth, the laughter soon found its escape anyway through his nose. The feeling in his stomach was starting to spread to his sides, growing in intensity faster than before.

George arched his back slowly and began squealing. His hands were still glued to his mouth but he was beginning to lose his grip. As the feeling climbed and reached a few of his bottom ribs the dam broke. He gave up trying to hide his laughter in favor of wrapping his arms around himself.

"Well at least we know it works," Sapnap spoke over George's growing laughter, watching as the older man started kicking his legs against the ground, writhing in Dream's arms.

"Ihihihit wohohohorks ihihit wohohahahaha!" George threw his head back onto Dream’s shoulder. At this point the buzzing had morphed into a constant ticklish pulse that swirled under his skin, almost as if a million fingers were kneading into his worse spots at once. Its effects finally covered his ribcage and under his arms, and there were vibrating tingles shooting through his neck as well. He could feel the pulses focus in on his hips, traveling to his thighs and knees. George could no longer focus on one place anymore, it was everywhere.

George twisted in Dream’s hold, trying to bury his red face into his friend’s shoulder, before arching his back and turning back to how he was before and bending over at the waist. Dream held his arms around his middle, trying to pull him back against his chest. George was full on cackling now, arms flailing to grab onto anything, since only an invisible force was causing him to fall into hysteria.

George eventually gave up his thrashing and allowed Dream to pull him backwards. Though it was hard to notice at the time, having Dream there was comforting, and kept George from panicking. He came to terms with the fact that he was going to have to let the potion run its course, going limp in Dream’s arms as the feeling made his mind go numb.

Dream grabbed onto George’s hands, George squeezing back hard anytime it felt as though the magic potion hit a sensitive nerve. It wasn’t too long after that the tickling died back down to the way it had started with its gently buzzing. Leaving his legs and his ribs and his sides, until finally it lingered in his tummy for a final thirty seconds. Even though the leftover tingles in his stomach kept him giggling, George happily began to catch his breath, leaning all of his weight into his friend.

Dream patted down George’s messy hair after the older man finally let go of his hair, “Are you alright?”

George nodded at this, clearly exhausted. Before Dream and Sapnap had the chance to ask any more questions- what it felt like, how it worked, what it did- George fell asleep in Dream’s arms. Dream didn’t have the heart to move him, so he decided to stay there with him, hands running through his hair.

A content smile was permanently etched on George’s face.

[outoftheframework]

my proposal for tropes we as a fandom should adopt in all fanworks going forward: Duke Thomas edition

So every fandom has tropes and characterization quirks that have been generally accepted into fanon and, like, maybe? they were originally based on some obscure comic panel from the 80s or something but it doesn’t really matter because we’re all just,,, cool with it? Like for example- in the dc comics fandom, an art piece could show 3 of the bats that look virtually identical except one of them is holding a box of cereal so that one is obviously Dick Grayson. . . Y’know?

Anyway, these things usually come up naturally I guess but I’ve been here a while and it’s finally time to put my foot down. It’s high time for Duke Thomas to be more in fanon than “the sane one.” Because he might be the relatively new guy but he is certainly fears no gods or laws of the land just as much as the other bats, lemme tell ya. 

TL;DR here are character quirks (”canon-based” or otherwise) that we should all really latch onto seriously I’m begging y’all to make at least one of these happen-

Duke “Habitually Jumping Out of Moving Vehicles” Thomas

This one’s actually based in canon y’all; Duke did indeed yeet himself out of the back of a cop car and off of a bridge (in We Are... Robin). Normalize Duke’s wearing knee and elbow pads as Signal because jumping out of a car turns out relatively fine once and then suddenly Batman’s rooftop disappearing act seems mellow compared to the amount of times Gordon has whipped his head around to see a now Signal-less backseat. 

Like, he’s going 60 mph?? And he didn’t even hear the door open?? and tHE DOORS ARE STILL LOCKED??

Imagine this leaking into civilian life and Bruce waking up to a blurry photo of Duke mid-escape from a limousine on the front page of the Gotham Gazette.

(more under cut)

Duke “Puzzles are my Passion” Thomas

Duke is ~canonically~ very skilled at both solving and concocting riddles (as a child during that time where The Riddler just,,, controlled Gotham, he worked non-stop on riddles, trying to make the perfect one). Please y’all- let Duke solve puzzles. Have the other bats ask him for help after 36 hours straight of brooding over some brainteaser that Duke works out within the half-hour. He texts a picture of the solution scribbled out on loose leaf in the margins of his pre-calc homework because this boy shows his work. 

My guy is a word-cross FIEND. A mind-sweeper speed-runner. That guy who mails into the Gazette to correct a solution in the “fun & games” section and also ps that photo is not of me I am simply a polite young man who is much too busy writing into the paper in the year 2021 to jump out of limos-

I also would love to see this integrated into the type of cases he investigates / runs into on his daytime patrol. Like, obviously the criminal activity is going to dramatically differ before and after sundown, but that doesn’t make Duke’s work any easier or less important. It’s a different skillset; he has to work differently. Instead of jumping into fights, halting mob meetings, saving civilians in dark allies, etc. Duke has to sort through all of the moving pieces before they all converge into something catastrophic. 

It’s a known fact that criminal organizations in Gotham make and execute a lot of behind-the-scenes plans during the day specifically not to run into the bats. And Duke knows and monitors this shit all by himself; his work is crucial to logistics and information gathering for the bats as a whole. Now criminals have like, a 2 hour gap between bat-shifts to try and get stuff done. But Duke would 100% set traps on timers or lead them on this pre-set convoluted goose chase  to distract them until the night bats come out and to let himself enjoy the whole thing playing out on the news while he finishes homework that’s due at midnight.

Duke “I Know a Guy” Thomas

So in going off of the basic concept for the “We Are. . . Robin” run in combination to his general likability, Duke has a lot of friends all around Gotham. Okay, sure, he doesn’t have a Super best friend or a Speedster on speed dial, but he does know this guy who details cars up on West 35th and will tell them all about the new mods on Black Mask’s transport vans if they come through the third floor window and bring takeout. 

Bruce and Tim will be waiting for the facial recognition software to identify at least a partial match off of security cam footage when Duke pulls into the cave, takes one look at the screen, and says “Oh, that’s <insert name, address, abridged life story, and known associates here>.” This also brings in the opportunity for Duke to have some sort of perfect recall for faces, voices, names, etc. which I think could be a really cool element for his position as the batfamily member who has a lot more personal interaction with the people of Gotham.

I’m also into the idea of a lot of people knowing/telling stories about Duke. Not to reference the Chuck Norris meme but almost like the Chuck Norris meme lmao. Think about Jason mentioning his brother to someone and she replies, “Duke Thomas? Like that Duke Thomas? The one who swam across the harbor because he said it’d be faster than the subway and it actually was?” These stories have varying levels of truth to them but Duke will never confirm nor deny when he gets random calls from family members yelling “you dID WHAT”

So those are my top three, and the following is a little speed-round of headcanons :)

Duke has a super expressive face. Like when he’s relaxed around family, you can tell exactly what he’s thinking and how he’s feeling by his visual reactions to things

Duke rotates through picking up new and revisiting old hobbies at a pretty rapid pace. Some hobbies include: bullet journaling, origami, viola, cello, synth, conversational basics in multiple languages, up-cycling and embroidering clothes

Duke has a really fucking adorable smile. He can’t help it. He’ll try to grin sarcastically or smug to be annoying but his smile just cannot be anything other than endearing. He also has a very specific booming laugh that’s an absolute treasure to hear, because it’s the most genuinely happy thing ever. 

Duke unironically enjoys Signal by Twice even though the first time he heard it was after Steph had set it as his morning alarm.

So.

Come and get your food, I guess.

Feel free to add on if you’d like! I’d love to see anything you guys write/draw/etc. based on anything from here if you feel compelled to do so!

Stay safe and be well :)