#not quite the full truth
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sorry2 hijack ur tags but u reference the “i hate you” as him lying to himself but really that’s not rlly a lie either, at least to andrew. he hates neil for the effect he has on him, he hates the fact that this rancid runaway who’s more lie than man when they meet is getting to him so much. hate & love r two sides of the same coin & all that
the thing abt andrew is that he's not lying. he's not trying to sell an image of him that doesn't exist: he wants you to think he's dangerous because he is dangerous. he hides things when he knows people will see them as a weakness (like drake and his scars), but he doesn't lie about them. there are, comparatively, characters who will lie to save face. think neil and jean--- neil lies as easily as breathing, and in that tsc snippet jean tells abby he was injured in a scrimmage. i don't know where i'm going with this. whatever. what if andrew hates libraries bc he can't read and he's being really brave about it. wouldn't that be a little fun
#andrew is very precise with his language which is why neil is able to trip him up sometimes#andrew doesnt lie but he has no problem hiding the truth from people he doesn’t think deserve to know which is why when he speaks more#freely with neil the more neil can#call him out??#i don’t think that’s the words i’m looking for exactly but neil can find the double meanings in what andrew says#what andrew says is what he means#and when he says shit like i hate you and ur a pipe dream those aren’t contradictory statements#it’s like when he’s planning on killing proust: to neil that’s andrew contradicting himself#because andrew doesn’t do revenge#to andrew it’s him keeping his promise#not quite a lie#not quite the full truth
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I joke a lot about the kiru yana dynamic when they were kids/teens but to be so honest it's because they make me wanna chew batteries
#larry time#for a long time kiru was actually fairly convinced that yana disliked her#mostly as the result of her not always understanding his playful banter + taking it as actual insults#and when that didn't lessen up after kennys death she was like Oh he actually just fucking hates me okay#which is why she distances herself from him towards the end of her 3rd year in junior high/when yana's about to graduate#in addition to this shes also Very Aware of the fact that yana is the favorite grandchild and that hanayo + eizou Do Not Like Her At All#so in her efforts to earn their approval she's sort of convinced herself that they're 'competing' for family approval#even though that's not the case (and even if it were the cards are still stacked against her quite dramatically)#but yana is unaware of like. all of this. and just attributes her angst + her shutting him out to her being depressed after kennys death#which isn't untrue but isn't the Full truth either#he's also unaware of the fact that he's the favorite. or well. he knows he's the favorite but he doesnt know how differently they're treated#or isn't able to comprehend it fully. especially because kiru makes an active effort to hide the worse shit#so that she looks like a good proper girl with a lovely family#(god help her.)
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I knew about the post concert depression but no one told me about the post concert constant feeling of AAAAAAAAAHHH that lasts days and makes everything much more bearable and beautiful and some sort of ethereal type of hope is restored into the world, or maybe it's just the "seeing your favourite band after first thinking that it would never happen and later spending many months waiting for it all the while fearing that it wouldn't happen after all because of circumstances outside my control or feeling like it was too beautiful and wonderful to be true so ofc it wouldn't come true" part of it all
#guys i love they might be giants. did you know about this#me days before the show: crying because i will see they might be giants#me days after the show: crying because i saw they might be giants#truth is that i didn't actually full on cry until yesterday evening though so once i was back home so it was all officially over#and it was time to just slow down and realize that oh well wow. so all that just happened. like for realsies#i also finally looked through my videos and my recording of the whole show (yes as an archivist freak who records audio from most concerts#i obviously had to record this one also. now i can listen to it again and again and be remided that i didn't dream it all up after all)#but yeah all this and now i'm supposed to move on and go back to my stupid daily life#like i didn't just have one of those real actual life experiences and moments of pure fun that other people generally get from time to time#and that i haven't had since idk even when a year and a half ago#thats the last time i consider truly amazing on a level somewhat comparable to this. but back to the show and the whole thing.#like this wouldn't have been quite as perfect if i didn't share that time with fellow fans / friends that i ended up attending the show wit#you don't realize how badly you've been wanting to be included in things and for people to be genuinely fond of you and like your company#until you get included and shown that fondness. like wow i'm allowed to have fun too after all. can it happen again someday please. anyway#i'm just glad that in midst of my big bad awful times i could have this truly amazing 10/10 time#and i guess it doesn't have to be the last such time right. even if it's easy to give into the feeling that it is#but ok anyway i'll get to that proper show recap later when i can think clearly again#and maybe more on that more personal side of it all too because well i have many more thoughts obviously#but whether i get to that in 3 days or 3 months is a mystery for now. just kind of a lot to think about once again#and my stupid baka life continues on also whether i like it or not so that has to be taken into consideration as well#time to think again about school that i'm so totally fully failing now with my two weeks long absence yayyy. its fine i'll figure it all out#goosepost
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i think an underrated part of the sea salt trio's dynamic in days is that axel chooses inaction when faced with the inevitability of losing either roxas or xion. he takes on a sort of attitude that if things are going to go south, he might as well try to pretend it isn't and try to make the most of what little time they have left. but by saying (and doing) nothing about the situation (unless explicitly ordered to, which was never beneficial to anyone but the top dogs of the organization) he only made things worse; roxas stops trusting him, becomes so angry with him and the organization, that he runs away, has to kill xion, and soon after gets captured by diz and riku. by doing nothing he loses both of them
#i think its also neat to look at how his inaction is so different from roxas and xion's reaction to this situation#or honestly you can look at how each of their reactions to the situation are#axel has been around for quite some time hes an adult hed given up on fighting against orders and such#so he tries not to rock the boat and wait for the storm to hit#thinking it will help him cut his losses#but then xion learns the truth and tries to do something about it#by choosing to sacrifice her existence for roxas and sora and everyone else's sake#even though she knows everyone will forget her#and then you have roxas#hes kept out of the dark entirely until finally axel tells him#and then hes so ANGRY at axel for that even though he was trying to protect roxas from a horrible thing#he still doesnt know the full truth but that doesnt matter. he has to find a way to save himself and xion#arfg. i love you kh days#kingdom hearts#kh
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How do you need to be touched?
Two results depending on the answer to one question:
gently.
You need to be held as though you're going to break. you need someone to trace your scars like cracks in a wall, crumbling. their touch is almost painful; you've been without it for too long, without someone to hold you. but, you cannot bring yourself to pull away.
fervently.
You crave a hug that cracks your ribs... the feeling of your wandering soul being crushed back into the bones that can't seem to hold it. you need a hand gripping yours so tightly you almost fear it may leave a bruise, a reminder that you are here. and that you are not alone.
Tagged by: @derjaegermond ! Thanks 8] Tagging: hey... hey you. Reader. I'm tagging you.
#dash meme#I made more than one version of this test because I was quite uncertain on some of the answers#very much depends on how I interpret them#for example: safety matters much to Cayin. But it's mostly others' safety that concerns him#it's fitting this way though. Each one of them on their own isn't necessarily a great fit but I do think the answer lies somewhere between#they're almost opposites but they each hold some truth#Cayin needs love that anchors him to the earth. That makes him feel alive and feeds him to return it in full#Powerful and tight demonstrations of care are a good way to do this#but even he can be fragile sometimes. More than he realizes#he may not realize how much he needed a gentle and careful touch until he's at the end of it#more so in Autumn... but to touch him then is not without risk
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doing dishes isn't supposed to be a monumental task but you know what sometimes it is and I can't explain why. anyway today I did all the dishes in my apartment yay me
#some of them were from way too long ago...#not going to expose myself too much but yeah it was definitely unhealthy#also fun fact: did you know it's not an actual law of the universe that pots and pans and cooking untensils and cutting boards and so on#have to be washed by hand?#i thought this was like. universal truth#maybe it was that way before when things weren't made to be dishwasher safe but uh they make full cookware sets t#that go in the dishwasher#like on purpose#so anyway instead of following a rule that works so strongly against me that it often prevents me from being able to cook for myself#I'm going to use dishwasher safe pots and pans and not carry guilt for taking an 'easy' or 'lazy' way out of dishes#i know I've been away a long while but it's bc things were um quite bad for a bit there and I'm still coming out of it#and part of that is going to involve figuring out what habits and rules are working against me and this is one of them so i wanted to share#also i miss you all :')#i dont have the full energy yet for tumblr but will try to be back in jan#personal
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Wait, hang on
Wait
Changeling
Changeling
Hang on I'm cooking
#I have this visual concept in my head wait wait#I can't draw right now because work but ahhhhhhhhh#It probably sounds dumb but ahhhhh#It's about Bramble oops#Anyway anyway anyway I can't contain my excitement at this thought#So I have the “all fairies / anti fairies / pixies split from angels” theory right?#And as I mentioned there are some of the original species who were never divided into three beings because they either managed to escape#OR. because they weren't in Fairy World / the heavens and they were just. Missed and forgotten about#And of course if they're forgotten about and never had contact with other magical beings#They wouldn't know /what/ they are#Other than what the humans call them: changelings.#And if they later meet fairies who have no idea that angels were ever even a thing#They'd just assume this “changeling” is a fairy too#And of course the changeling wouldn't know any different either#But they'd probably continue calling themself a changeling instead because fairy doesn't feel like it fits quite right#ANYWAY#eventually when the truth is revealed and everyone finds out about the angels#These changelings would find out too#They'd find out that they're 3 times as powerful as the average fairy#That they have this power they didn't know they had#And if they HAPPEN to also have pent up anger and frustration#Well. Sudden uncontrollable power and rage are hardly ever a good mix#(uncontrollable because even if these changelings are angels#They never used or were trained to use the full extent of their power#So it's not like the knowledge of their origins would magically make them know how to control it))#ANYWAY AGAIN#Rambling#Thoughts
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here
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is it okay to say I don’t think Jodie was all that in the wrong during Storm Damage yet??
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Magic, the occult, ancient Egyptian spirits and nonsense talk of fate and legacies of the past... it's all nothing but bullshit.
Seto knows that. No matter what, it has to be true. He's not stupid - he knows the things he's seen, but... Seto is a man of science, and he also knows just how unreliable the human mind can be. Perception is a fragile thing, and the mind is easily tricked and influenced by what it thinks to be true... that in combination with the solid vision system he created opens up a great number of explanations, most involving the shock of that system on the mind being far greater than he anticipated.
Deep down, it feels like he's making excuses. But is a far-fetched scientific explanation really any more absurd than a supernatural one? Besides, even if by some miracle the supernatural really was real, there's no way-
-He'd ever be a part of it. Seto's mouth curls into a grimace at the thought. It all comes back to the mind. His own, loathe as he is to admit it, has been a mess lately. Ever since Battle City, when he'd finally thought that Yugi might have been right; that there was more value to friendship than he had first thought... he thought he'd finally been ready to start again with Mokuba, but letting go of the chains of the past is harder than it sounds. It infuriates him. Seto Kaiba is a man of the future - no past can hold him down or stop him from doing what he wants to do!
But he's impatient, and the road before him is a slow one. Still, though - just when he'd felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest, it now feels like a new, different one has replaced it just as quickly. It hadn't been that way at first... he'd been happy with Mokuba, taking steps towards their dream, but it had snuck up on him slowly and with the subtlety of a serpent - so the question is: what changed?
He wants to see Yugi. That's something he knows for sure. The thought that it's something he needs is something that he won't acknowledge, so instead, he tells himself it's to challenge him again. That's the reason he came back to Japan, and yet... right now, faced with him again - all he can manage to muster up is a sneer.
You look like you weren't expecting to see me. Is it really that much of a surprise?"
@nevertem ( starter for atem! )
#ic#nevertem#v. mainverse.#c. kaiba.#I AM SO SORRY. THIS IS SO UNIMAGINABLY LATE...#truth be told i kept putting it off because i haven't reread the manga for years and i was really struggling to find the concentration for#full reread...#but i managed to skim through some of battle city lately and i've been thinking about seto and thought. you know what.#i will write it anyway. KHFJKDSJKDS#so basically i'm sorry if any of this is ooc or doesn't quite match up with canon!!#my portrayal of seto might be a little canon divergent in that he's a bit more in denial about magic at this point than he was in the manga#but he was still pretty bad about it in the manga sometimes too tbf. lmao#either way; i'm super excited to write with you if you're still interested!! and thank you so much for your patience <333
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sorry for saying I was going to do things and even starting them and then disappearing from this website entirely for three days. It will happen again
#Nothing new. Tbf I’ve done this a lot#I would say I’m focusing more on school and my personal writing but that’s more of a fucking lie than full truth#I genuinely have felt sick to my stomach posting here for whatever reason#Guilt shame anxiety paranoia etc etc you get the point. I feel like shit with no valid reason as to why#So for now I’m going to stop doing the thing that makes me overly emotionally sick to the point I have actual physical reactions????#Yeah that’s the logical course of action. Might post small personal anecdotes and doodles and such to give off the vague energy that Im fin#But beyond that I quite literally can’t. I sat down and thought about writing this post and immediately broke down#I don’t know why I feel guilty over having inconsistent motivation for putting up shitty writing on a website for strangers to see#But I do and k think the only good way to get past that is this. Gotta stop acting Impulsively it’s ruining my fucking life man#There’s only one other thing that I’ll thank Eloise for#and it’s for getting me off of tumblr long enough to realize that I desperately need to get help#This is fucked I fucking hate it. I might be online if k can bare the possibility that people can see this#Namely people I’ve grown attached to in concept#Idfc at this point. it doesn’t change much about how things have been going for the past year#Vent#S.K explains that things never really got better they would just suck less for short periods of time
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haiiii question for the masses <333
#this is just a few things. i debated putting adam spends the whole summer wanting to break it off with ronan in here but ended up not#doing it bc while it IS considered ooc 2 me when u look at it straight on (adam would've def taken Everything into consideration before#choosing to start a relationship with ronan) if u look at it like adam is separating his academic and personal life and convincing himself#he can't have both or not allowing himself to accept happiness that does not come with pain or being too scared of the different directions#ronan and adam were going in and deciding to break it off bc he felt like eventually it would stop working anyway and he thought it was#best to end it now bc it would hurt less than ending it after a couple more years or even growing apart would...alas we do not get this#insight it is quite literally what i THINK was going on with adam and probably not actually what it meant. if maggie meant for option 1 to#be the truth then i consider it ooc. for the small chance that maggie meant for option 2 and just didn't rlly manage to make it come across#as explicitly so then it is not ooc i actually think that would be very like the adam i know so i didn't include it. and the poll was full#anyways. also there is a lot of declan ooc moments........#tfw u ask ur mom if u can have declan lynch & she says we have declan lynch @home & then the declan lynch @home is declan lynch in gw 😐#trc#dreamer trilogy#polls#SORRY i know all the gw dunking days r in the past sort of but i need to know i'm not the only one who thinks this.#greywaren#also sorry for the essay in the tags ✋
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rio & kase and then daiki & shiori are narrative paralles/foils of a sort. i’m still thinking about this, but when i watch the rest of the episodes i’m going to come back with the essay.
#star stumbles#saiai#dearest#jdrama#they all kind of parallel each other but i can't quite get my finger on the full picture of HOW yet#shiori and daiki's relentless pursual of the truth#versus rio and kase both doing what they do because they care about the people before the truth
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story time with sari 😀
#im working on my CV rn and it made me rmb my first job at uni and how it ended and oh god why#i had to quit bc my mental health was so fucking shitty i couldnt deal with the work load so i went to one of my colleagues whos-#responsible for us student workers and i told him i had to quit and he asked why and i said bc of my health bc i cant lie but also didnt-#wanna tell the full truth and he very carefully asked whats wrong and i said i didnt wanna talk abt it was so awkward#AND THEN#at the time he wasnt only a phd student but also doing his psychotherapy training (insane man) and he happened to work at the practice-#where i went to get therapy at the time so basically what happened was that i sat in the waiting area and suddenly he comes walking around-#the corner and we just look at each other like 👁👄👁#and he left bc he was with a client but ten minutes later he came back super nervous and reassured me that hes under-#patient therapist confidentiality and that he wont tell anyone at work that he saw me there etc etc and it was NICE#but it was also . such a weird situation and my lil anxious mind was like well at least he knows i wasnt fucking lying !#why would he think that in the first place but oh well dhjdjdk#anyways i just got reminded of this bc i read the certificate i got from working there and it said i quit out of my own choice hdjdj#ah memories#also reminded me how im in a much better place now mentally which is nice bc i felt rock bottom yesterday lmao#okay story time with sari is over i gotta get back to writing that CV
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it's so funny I made the klapolly mutual law autisms post bc of a fic I read that was described exactly how someone complained abt it in a rb of that post akdhckcjckcj
#I'll be reading a klapolly so so fine then BOOM klav quits law job like WHAT !!!!!!!!!!!!#i was so enjoying it until the last part where i was just HE WOULD NOT FUCKING DO THAT !!!#like ok ok. sure. all the shit that happened yeah we've all heard of it#but literally at the end of the game hes like#These court trials shook me to my core AND THATS WHY i have to pursue law full time im breaking up the rockband !!!!!#he is like genuinely that intensely passionate abt the law and maybe just a bit more so than music#which is saying a lot considering his guitar lovers thing#its like idk man it really seems like his undying passion for truth and justice#Was what actually what was getting him through that whole ordeal that was aa4 .... 🤔🤔🤔#just saying. not that im completely right and so smart and so sexy or whatever#rando thoughtz
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tbh will never forgive radfems for appropriating 'why don't you think about why you feel that way :)' as 'do it until you're Fixed and don't feel that way anymore'--especially when often they use it for conversion therapy in particular 🙃--because as a genuine, good faith, open-ended question to guide a toolset of other questions, it has brought me not only a lot of insight but SO much peace in processing things my brain would eat itself over otherwise
#moogletalks#radfems cw#conversion therapy cw#braintag#like the open-endedness here is the strength of it bc it puts you in the mindset where you're thinking of /new/ questions to ask yourself#like you can add those questions into your toolset to apply as you go#but it's important to be able to examine something you feel doesn't /quite/ have the full picture; and figure out what data points you need#and like. internalizing that it's okay to put a pin in a question you genuinely don't have the tools to investigate further yet#and percolate on it and keep an eye out for tools you might come across elsewhere that are the key to discovering the truth#like i have a lot of questions already stored up; and important guidelines i use for them; and I Could Go On#but it has done SO much to help me think through my worldview and morals and how i would put them into practice#while also validating my own feelings and experiences; that they are an important factor and data point in themselves#and that trusting my gut when something doesn't feel quite right is not just allowed but important#even when it's something i can't in good conscience just leave at that without reconciling what's going on here#compare that to the spirals my brain goes into when i /don't/ do that and..... yeah#fuck radfems man leave a single well unpoisoned challenge (impossible)
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