#insight it is quite literally what i THINK was going on with adam and probably not actually what it meant. if maggie meant for option 1 to

[ronanlynchbf]

haiiii question for the masses <333

[rouge-fox-expanded]

I love Hazbin Hotel, the story, lore and the songs! And like many of us I was drawn to Lucifer like a moth to a flame, which incidentally is what many of us are projecting onto Valentino. Now Hazbin much like Good Omens is taking much of the theology surrounding the old testament to be the point of origin of heaven and hell along with all the old lore from hell. We see this in Helluva Boss a lot with three out of seven of the sins revealed, Beelzebub being the sin of Gluttony, Azmodeus being the sin of Lust and Mammon being the sin of greed with I believe mentions of Satan (wrath), Belphagor (sloth) and Leviathan (Envy) and Lucifer being the apex (Pride).

Now behind every great man there tends to be a great woman, and this seems to be especially true with Lucifer as we have the enigmatic Lilith, the woman that came before Eve. She was made from the same dust as Adam, made to be his equal and yet things didn't go so well, she would leave the garden and be punished (I don't have all the theology but I think she was cursed to give birth to demons or couldn't have children herself) and so eve was made from Adam's rib to be more subservient. Now in terms of Hazbin lore Adam and Lilith were created equal but Adam tried to assert dominance and Lilith wasn't accepting, yeeted out of there and that was the start of her meet cute with Lucifer whom from what we have been told was a bit of a trouble maker, but in the sense of being a creative and imaginative soul who's ideas didn't fit the mould of divinity. This is the first instance of what I love about the show: NUANCE. The angels believe everything is black and white despite the plot and characters proving time and time again that this is not the case, Lucifer from what we have seen of him is blantantly not evil. Lilith on the other hand, well that's where the theories start pouring in.

(warning long theory post)

I will admit I have been using the canon scraps from both the show and the interviews to project an image of Lilith as the Morticia to Lucifer's Gomez and I share Vivzie's head canon that she would be voiced by Lady Gaga. Seeing Lilith and Lucifer as a power couple, disgustingly in love whilst sticking it to heaven and rallying up hell using Charlie's hotel as a form of malicious compliance/lawful defiance would give me so much serotonin. However this is just a theory and imagining based on limited information and holds as much water as the other theories which paint Lilith in a much darker shade. Lilith's screen time in Hazbin hotel is less than two minutes and most of that is flashbacks (one of which is dubious) and she has no spoken lines and no insight into her motives or feelings and given that season 2 is coming at us at 2025 at the earliest the more ravenous of us are already making ideas of what kind of character she is going to be.

Now quite a compelling theory is she could be very similar in attitude and personality to Adam, yes you heard me right. Adam is essentially the poster child for toxic masculinity coated in so much narcissism, the fact that for 90% of the show has him wearing a mask is pretty symbolic of this as it means he never has to worry about anyone seeing him as weak because his mask can literally keep him covered (even if it slips, looking at the court scene in episode six). Now Lilith being similar in personality to Adam would certainly explain why they didn't get along, both thought they were the apex and wanted to be in charge. Whilst Adam is the epitome of toxic masculinity Lilith could very well be the avatar of toxic femininity and yet she is limited by her own humanity and the whims of divinity...until she meets Lucifer, someone whom also has big ideas, a lot of imagination and most crucially doesn't feel like he belongs amongst the other angels. Lilith probably thought God had answered her prayers.

Now I personally don't think Lilith is the defacto villain, that would rather fly in the face of the nuanced take Hazbin shows us. Hell isn't forever and Heaven isn't perfect, it's not black and white and we need to look into the gray but let's assume Lilith and Adam were similar in their extreme personalities, does this mean that Lilith is going to be just as bad as Adam? I would argue not necessarily and the reason for that is consequences. Out of the two, Adam doesn't suffer any consequences until the finale of Hazbin hotel season 1 (or at least none that he seems to be particularly showing asides from some hints at the mention of eve and we haven't even asked about Cain and Abel) but for Lilith...she's been suffering consequences for millennia. Now we go back to the lore of hazbin hotel, according to the info dump Charlie gives us in the beginning Evil is it's own seperate and conscious entity, it's even got a name according to interviews and creator bts talk: Roo. And so heaven keeps evil in it's place by maintaining strict control over creation and life on earth (apparently). In the old stories Adam and Eve get kicked out of Eden because a snake offers Eve an apple telling her that it will grant her knowledge of morality. Incidently in the original bible story the snake is just a snake, no mention of it being lucifer but in the hazbin lore Lilith and Lucifer plan to give the apple to Eve so as to gift humanity free will. NOW, here comes the nuance take: was this the wrong move? Because free will is so intrinsic into human nature that without it are we really human? How could someone be good or bad if they didn't choose those actions and by that logic how could a human be judged through a moral lense if they don't have the capacity to act on morality? Yet by giving Eve the apple and allowing humanity a choice between good and evil, well...this gives evil an opening to root into earth. Black mixes with the white and things become gray, heaven is pissed!

And as a consequence for this reckless act, Lilith and Lucifer are sent to hell, where it's all black. This kills Lucifer's creativity and he becomes depressed, Lilith however makes a comeback and establishes herself as the queen of hell and is able to rally up the demons and because of this amass of a power base, heaven is like 'welp, gotta do something about this' and apparently it was Adam who was like 'how about a cull?'. Adam is rewarded for his aggressive, violent and frankly appalling behavior and yet Lucifer and Lilith face the consequences of their own recklessness. If we are to assume Lilith and Adam started out with equally selfish personalities one got worse from being a winner (as we can see what he's like in season one) whilst we don't know what millennia of being a loser did to Lilith. There is of course one character that's very existence shows the light in Lucifer and potentially Lilith and that is Charlie, because if two fallen souls consigned to the worst place in creation can raise a daughter like Charlie Mornigstar then they can't be all bad right? I mean I would hope that Lilith did indeed love her husband and her daugher, because that's what a lot of those portraits/photos in Lucifer's man cave seem to tell us. Perhaps hell and raising a family taught Lilith some humility and she was able to grow in the way Adam clearly did not, having to face the consequences of a clearly broken system would have certainly shaped her ideas and attitudes but how do we explain her seven year absence? Well that's what Season Two will do (I hope) but as a lot of us aren't prepared to wait until 2025 we've all developed some pretty hot takes based on the limited but compelling information we've been given.

-Lilith has been missing from hell for seven years, the same time Alistor has been missing leading many to believe she is the one that owns his soul (a deal he is desperate to get out of now that he's aware of his own mortality and growing empathy)

-Lilith is in heaven due to a deal with Adam, and now that he's dead (for now) she is expected to go back to hell and bring Lucifer and Charlie into line so as not to threaten the foundations of heaven.

And that's all the canon info we have

That's literally all the solid information we have in regards to Lilith and many have used this to assume she is a shitty mom for just hanging on a beach doing god knows what for seven years whilst Charlie has been trying to carry on her legacy through the hotel and Lucifer's depression reduced him to a forced apathetic shut in.

But of course this is Hazbin and Helluva, and the lore is rich with that sweet grey nuance so calling Lilith a villain seems a little presumptious. I am not saying that is incorrect, but given that the main antagonists of season two are apparently going to be the Vees we can hope that Lilith isn't going to be Adam 2.0 for season two. Now I am going to briefly entertain some other theories before making my pitch for how I see Lilith; in episode 5 we see a flashback of lilith taking Charlie away from Lucifer during the song more than anything, and many eagle eyed viewers pointed out that the silhouette didn't have the same hairline as Lilith in the photos (and later in heaven) which lead them to spectulate Eve might have had a hand to play in this. This is a theory I actually think holds some water primarily because Adam is a fucking idiot, and any deal he would have made with Lilith would have had Sera or one of the other higher seraphim pulling it's strings. Adam isn't a schemer, but the other archangels well they know how powerful Lucifer is so keeping him contained and harmless would certainly be on their agenda and having Eve playing Lilith to keep him and Charlie from building each other up would certainly be a tactial move. And let's face it if they were able to kick him out of heaven and cast him into hell then wrecking his marriage wouldn't be that big of a deal for them. But then where does Lilith fit into this picture? We know that Lucifer negotiated that only the sinners could be killed during the exterminations, now would heaven grant him this simply to keep him placid or would he need to offer something in exchange? Maybe Heaven accepted this deal at first but Lilith continued to resist so they were like 'okay, how about this? You get to come back to heaven and stop all this resist and rebel shit?' and the stick to that carrot was 'it's either this or we go after hellborns too', and not prepared to face those consequences Lilith obeyed

Heaven has already crushed Lucifer's spirit, it took them longer to deal with Lilith but getting her in heaven and away from her family certainly solved the problem of resistance and with the exterminations keeping sinners in check everything became routine...until Charlie was like 'erm, redemption?' well that and the fact one of the overlords accidentally killed an exorcist (something Adam and Lute took personally). Now Lilith being in heaven actually affords her a few advantages that being in hell does not, because if it becomes public knowledge she is there then Heaven is gonna have several huge problems so her silence is not just golden but MANDATORY. If Lucifer knows she is in heaven this could explain how he was able to get Charlie that meeting, that kind of knowledge can certainly open doors and Lilith being close behind enemy lines would be privy to a fair bit of knowledge assuming she had any long term plans or schemes. And any of those schemes would certainly be helped by the current state of events at the end of season 1, Adam is dead (and potentially a sinner man in hell), the exorcisms have been made public to heaven, redemption works as proven by Sir Pentious getting a divine promotion and Lucifer is proactively supporting the Hazbin Hotel. The corrupt system that punished her and her family again and again has just suffered some massive pushback, the divine order is unsteady and there is confusion and more importantly: opportunity. And Lilith isn't like Adam, she's had to deal with consequences since the apple was given to Eve, she has had to grow, adapt and take all the shit that was thrown at her and deal with heaven's shit for a long time. It could certainly have made her a better person, or a worse one but I bet you it has made her pissed. And now Lute is sending her home to clean up the mess they made? That doesn't just sound like a spectacular mistake, but a damn good story.

So like the rest of us, I cannot wait to see Lilith in season 2. Maybe she will be a villain, maybe she won't be but I am betting she is going to be spectacular, I have faith in Vivziepop and I believe in Hazbin Hotel. And if she is voiced by Lady Gaga and does a duet with Jeremy Jordon I am going to sqee so hard the neighbours dogs will think it's an attack.

[bitter-sweet-coffee]

Answer whichever ones you think would have the most interesting answers for Adam. 😈

*inhales* IT IS TIME FOR ME TO ANSWER THIS! i’m going to skip the irrelevant ones, and some of the boring stuff too (i kept the rest because it’s useful even if my response isn’t insightful lol)

1. Are they happy with their body?

yeah! he’s not like, super show-offy about it, but adam likes himself. he works hard (swims to work aka prison island every day, plus he works out like 3-5 times just for fun or to wake up/sleep) so even though he eats like shit, he likes exercising! buff bird likes working out but doesn’t care for health or looks or about how people see him (but he is quite flattered and awkward when receiving compliments)

2. Do they have any secret piercings or tattoos?

nope, he’s not allowed tattoos because he’s not an official rogue aka firstborn. he’s not afraid of piercings, he just doesn’t want to have to be responsible for or committed to them 🥴

3. Do they collect anything?

if he finds random shit on his swim to work, sure! the occasional deep diving and beach walking will result in some trinkets, which he has a habit of collecting for a certain jackdaw with a hoarder habit

4. What is their favorite music genre?

adam is the type of guy who exclusively listens to video game soundtracks. this REALLY bothers storm but at least he can appreciate a good OST!

5. What music genre, if any, do they hate the most?

it’s not hatred, but adam is absolutely CLUELESS about music. doesn’t know shit about it. thinks it all sounds the same (but not in a dismissive way, he’s just genuinely convinced all music regardless of genre is the same song)

6. What is their phone background/lock screen?

literally just the default because he can’t pick one 💀

7. What is their shoe size?

not sure what the mobian scale is, but he’s a large guy in height and build so like. dude needs human shoes that are on the larger end of things

9. Do they have a favorite professional sport?

hockey (i am projecting) he just likes sports with big people in cold temperatures! but he’d never play dude can’t skate for shit (his entire family and bloodline is cursed with being super clumsy)

10. How do they decorate their living space?

basically not at all lol. basic ikea furniture and thrifted items for some flavour/if they were a good deal

11. Are they messy, or do they clean up?

he’s not messy like the stereotypical bachelor in his 20’s vibes, but he’s not super clean either. like, there will be occasional clutter or a lack of decoration and supplies that feels incomplete

12. What’s their preferred sleeping position?

he loafs,,, somehow. despite being a large fucking albatross

15. Can they cook? What’s their favorite thing to make?

a strong no! his favourite meal is lunchables with dino nuggies and smiley fries. a side of caprisun and cosmic brownies for dessert. you know someone like him.

16. What food do they hate eating?

swiss chard

17. Do they have any allergies?

probably caffeine but that doesn’t stop him

18. What was their worst injury?

he got stabbed a couple times! also fell off a tall building. also a boat smashed into him. oh and he almost got blown to bits when his work exploded, but he slept through his alarm that day and thankfully missed out. (no one knows how adam is alive)

19. What movie is most likely to make them cry?

(projecting) the live action adaptation of speed racer (2008)

21. Can they dance? Do they like to?

no and no

26. Do they wear perfume/cologne? What is their favorite scent?

he doesn’t wear cologne, but he LOVES the smell of blueberries

28. What sound do they hate the most?

SOMEONE practicing cello at 4 AM (cough cough storm)

29. What video game would appeal to them the best?

he plays literally anything and everything, but i recently got reattached to what remains of edith finch (GO PLAY IT IF YOU HAVENT IT’S AN ARTFORM IN ITSELF) which is probably a game he’d adore and treasure immensely

30. How would they relax on a day off/rainy day?

video games :)

31. Are they combative? What is their fighting style?

not really, but his fighting style if you push him to that extent? let’s call it lethal. dude can probably lift the chaotix’s detectivr agency so long as someone can balance the weight on the other side (it’s awkward to carry a house by yourself)

32. Would they be the one to start an argument?

NEVER. he is very gentle and non-combative (aka angel)

35. What do they do if they can’t fall asleep?

video games :)

36. Do they wear makeup regularly? If they don’t, would they consider wearing any?

adam has permanent eyeliner and looks absolutely stunning. however, this is because he is an albatross and not because he knows how makeup works. it would be a bit redundant since his face already looks like makeup, but he wouldn’t mind if someone tried out a look on him

37. Do they prefer to be really cold or really warm?

neither hehe he likes neutral cold or neutral warm. but he does have. a high tolerance so it’s honestly the same thing!

39. Can they drive? What vehicles are they licensed to operate?

DO NOT. TRUST ADAM. WITH MACHINES. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

40. Do they believe in true love? Have they experienced it?

he didn’t believe in it mainly out of disinterest, but one might argue he found it with a certain bug lady ;)

41. Are they married? Do they want to be?

well, idk. that’s up to you, @authorleaandres

42. If they have siblings, do they like any of them? Would they rather be an only child?

adam has an older sibling! i can’t say much about them because ✨bsc lore spoilers✨ but he likes them a lot! they’re him but better in every single way which he is very happy with because adam doesn’t like attention.

43. What do they think is their worst quality? What is their actual worst quality?

he thinks he’s boring (he isn’t). i think he is TOO. PASSIVE. like he’s not a pushover, but i wish he would get angry more!!!

44. Do they lie often? Are they good at it?

no because he sucks at it lol

45. Are they good at keeping secrets?

again, absolutely not

46. How do others see them? How accurate is it to how they really are?

good question! he’s a lovable brother-father figure to everyone he ended up housing (every bird ever and fiona at one point) but at the same time, he’s quite intimidating when you don’t know him. so most people are scared at first and quickly realize they’re wrong and are dealing with a himbo

47. What kind of first impression do they usually make?

scary and sketchy. but no he’s actually a total loser and we love him :)

48. What are they most afraid of?

anything happening to his son and extended child-role circle. also older women usually but that is a looooooooong story!

49. Would they ever kill anybody?

yeah. in the right circumstances

50. Do they have original characters of their own?

i mean, he would probably partake in DND and other similar games (rpgs with fantasy elements) but i haven’t done that for him yet 🥲 i am open to suggestions though!

[retvenkos]

i just read your tags are you anti-snape?

(so i just saw that my tags were cut off halfway through my rant, so if you want me to finish that, just send in an ask and i will write out my whole thoughts)

okay, so anti-snape is a strong word, with a lot of different connotations to it, and while i wouldn’t brand myself as anti-snape because of all of the strong feelings attached, i would say that i don’t think that snape deserves all of the recognition that he deserves.

why?

what i firstly want to say is that snape is emotional abuser. my case in point here is neville, who had parents that were literally tortured to insanity, proving that his worst fear is snape - his teacher. how many times was snape unusually cruel to neville and harry? how many times did he humiliate hermione - an already bullied, muggle-born student (and possible poc)? snape is established to be cruel, and when you look at his actions, it is clear he is emotionally abusive to his students.

why did i start with this? because i relate with neville - i know what it is like to have your worst fear be an abuser that you face every day. so, therefore, i am biased against snape, and a lot of my dislike for him comes from the fact that no matter how you dice it, this man was in a position of power, abusing those students that looked up to him. 

he especially hated harry, who was an abused kid himself (and there is some kind of narrative in there, an abused kid growing up to hate and alienate an abused kid. i’m not going to get into that. but just think about that for a second and tell me you don’t want to at least dislike snape.). 

and perhaps you want to argue that snape couldn’t know that harry was abused over at privet drive. fair, okay. not everything about a kid can be seen on their face, right? but, one could argue that if snape took the time to look at harry and see him as a kid for a second, he could see hints of it. i have family members who are teachers, and they say that they can never be 100% sure, but they can at least have a good idea of who is abused at home, just based off of the way they interact with other people - especially adults. OR, if you don’t like that idea, you can think of it like this: the teachers at hogwarts are probably close to each other, right? mcgonagall knew (at least to some degree) what the dursleys were like - furthermore, she is close with harry and perceptive. she would have known that harry was abused, and if you don’t think that she wouldn’t have at least mentioned it to snape, i would disagree and say you don’t know mcgonagall. also! dumbledore! there is literally so many opportunities for snape to figure out that harry was abused at home. he just didn’t care.

so, snape is an emotionally abusive man in a position of power, picking on literal children as an outlet for his misplaced anger. this is the set-up for snape, and had he never had an in-depth redemption arc, we would literally all dislike snape.

and i feel like, then, the only reason that we have this snape/anti-snape discourse is dependent on whether or not you think his redemption arc is reason enough to excuse his actions.

and so here we talk about his childhood. which is definitely important and gives good insight, but should not be the only reason as to why he is seen as a good character. childhoods are formative and important, but they are not all encompassing. let’s not forget that snape is a grown man when the story starts. he is 31 years old when we are introduced to his character.

snape had a terrible childhood. he was neglected. he was abused (or so it was implied). he was friendless. he was lonely. he was poorly socialized. he was in a hogwarts house that seemed against him, almost, so he had to work to carve his place out and prove his worth. he wanted to stay at hogwarts all year, if he could.

(sound familiar? harry? neville? you two are here?)

but, school is not always great. at school, there are bullies that are terrible to him - it goes beyond teasing sometimes, snape getting hexed and jinxed and publically humiliated. he has one friend - lily, but sometimes he wonders if she really understands or if she really cares. no one has ever cared for him before, so why should she? he falls in love with her, but she does not reciprocate his feelings. instead, she falls for his tormentor - the person who has made his one safe place terrible, the person who treats him like he’s nothing.

now that is a compelling background. when he falls in with the wrong crowd, we can see why. he is desperate for some kind of belonging, some kind of importance. 

(is that... draco?)

he gets more violent as time goes on. those spells he created? levicorpus? sectumsempra? he’s going down a dark path and he wants to cause pain. he becomes a death eater, and while we don’t get a lot of detail what happens here, he rises in the ranks, which means he had to have done terrible things. at this point, he is clearly a bad person. and maybe he feels remorse during this time, but it’s clearly not enough to push his conscience out of where it is. he is still on voldemort's side.

what changes him? the power of love, of course. because even in this terrible time, he still loves lily - right? but is it love? or is it more like obsession? jk would tell us it’s love, but i would disagree. 

at the beginning, yes. snape loved lily. but after so much has transpired? things changed. snape is no longer as pure as he once was. he changed. any maybe he didn’t notice it, sure. but wasn’t he different, after everything?

if he loved lily, he would have cared about (even minorly) the things she cared for. yes, he could still hate james with a burning passion, yes he could let that ruin his and lily’s relationship,,, but could he become the very thing she feared and abhorred? could he become a death eater, literally killing people she loved? people just like her? could he have gone to her house, stepped over her dead husband, ignored her crying child to mourn her dead body?

this feels more like obsession. if you love someone, you care about them - their wellbeing, their peace of mind. love means you need to have an awareness for who your loved one loves, and you can accept them for the fact that they love someone else. snape shows he doesn’t. he only cares for her.

here we are, now, at this point is snape's story, and the natural progression in his redemption arc is for him to actively try to amend his terrible actions.

and... he does? kind of?

he becomes a double agent which is perfect. he vows to protect harry, which he does, physically... but he has a clear disregard for protecting harry emotionally, which one could argue is most important in harry’s story.

to defeat voldemort, harry has to come to terms with the idea that love is his strongest weapon against the dark lord, right? so snape being horrible to harry is not only bad because emotional abuse is real, but it’s also part of why harry is so angry and bitter in the sixth book, the exact opposite of what he needs to be if he wants to defeat voldemort.

also, snape preaches “control your emotions” but snape... is emotionally unstable and takes out all of his anger on children half his age? idk. that just bothers me.

so i feel like snape kind of half-asses his way through his redemption arc. he has chosen a different side, yes, but he doesn’t make a lot of intrinsic changes. he’s still angry. he’s still bitter. he’s still emotionally manipulative and abusive. 

so really, the question is: is a redemption arc dependent on a change of heart? or is a change of action good enough?

if you haven’t already picked up on how i feel about this issue, i don’t think a change of action is enough.

redemption is the act of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil (thanks, google). it’s absolution for your crimes. i feel like redemption is an intrinsic transformation, and jk preaches that love can do such an act. i’ve already covered that i don’t think snape loved lily, at the point of his big character changing moment. he was obsessed. it was more a change of action, than of heart.

BUT, that doesn’t mean that i don’t think he couldn’t have been redeemed. toward the close of his story, i kind of saw him as going through another arc as a character - i saw him start to care for harry more as harry rather than the child of the woman i’m obsessed with. i think, here,  he’s starting to show that love that jk insists he has. 

i think that if he had more time, he could have had a more full, more satisfying redemption arc. and that’s the tragedy of his character, right? we could always sort of trust him, but we could never fully trust him until the end. he was never really quite redeemed, it was cut short.

so, basically, i grapple with the fact that jk is adamant that snape is the good guy, he’s the redeemable character, when... he’s kind of only halfway there. AND, this is coupled with the fact that i believe draco was halfway there to a complete redemption arc, and jk is equally as adamant against draco getting a redemption arc.

jk has said that she thinks that the people who want draco to be redeemed are just girls obsessed with the bad boy having a heart of gold (which is fair, to some extent), but... isn’t she the exact same with snape? isn’t she equally obsessed that her readers know snape as being the emotionally scarred, bad boy with a heart of gold? food for thought.

also, where i draw a clear distinction between the crimes of draco and the crimes of snape is that draco is a teenager alongside the teenagers he bullies and emotionally abuses (draco, too, is an abuser! if you want an analysis on him, hmu.) draco is a 15 year old abusing other 15 year olds. this is terrible, and it can’t be excused. i agree. BUT, snape is a 31 year old man abusing 11 year olds. he is also their teacher. there is a clear power imbalance coupled with the fact that snape is an adult, who is supposed to be wiser and smarter.

so... long post, forgive me. i could go off about the crimes of jk rowling's depiction of slytherins forever and never be fully satisfied. i’m sure that in a weeks time i will have more i want to add onto this post. but for now, these are my thoughts on snape’s redemption arc, and my answer to whether or not i am anti-snape.

i am sure that after reading this, there are some of you who will think that i am anti-snape. that’s fine. you can have your own opinion, but if you are going to say that, know why.

no opinion is good if you can’t explain why.

[sinterblackwell]

kaylina’s top ten books of 2020 🖤

update 01/13/21: i stupidly forgot about a book that upended my life and made me fall in love with historical fiction, and so thus,,,everything has changed 😔

what that means is that a few of the original titles listed here have either been moved around or removed; i apologize to myself for the inconvenience. i do recommend reading through a bit of this again if you already read it the first time as i also revised my thoughts on one book mentioned here, so just something.

one of the things i wish for the most in 2021 is that i get to share more about my love for reading, so here’s the first post of many to satisfy that wish. 

throughout 2020, i wrote some posts on a complete whim about the stories i was reading and they just kept piling on and on because i was so caught up in the euphoria of having something to turn to when school was dragging me down. i found myself to really enjoy talking about these books while i was on here so i felt it would be a worthwhile conclusion to give a good wrap-up of the top ten books that made 2020 more bearable among all of the bad.

this post is very long so if you’re curious to see what ten books stood out to me this year to make it to this list, you can keep reading in the cut below. it’s all sort of a ranking so it’ll explain why the list is backwards, and i’ll also link more information on the titles in case any of you are interested :’)

first things first, here are three honorable mentions that didn’t quite make the cut but are still important to me one way or another.

3. circe by madeline miller

i have to give thanks to scylla for being one of the main reasons i considered this book as one of my top favorites, a nymph-turned- monster that circe has to face more than once in this story. 

also, miller herself building this book upon a figure who was barely considered in the odyssey is like a big slap to all the scholars out there who didn’t consider circe anything else but a jealous madwoman who used sorcery as her vengeance for all the sailors who came across her island. 

cheers to the author for having actual critical thinking skills 🥂

2. the invisible life of addie larue by v.e. schwab

i did write a review for this book that i don’t find nearly as coherent as any other review i’ve written in 2020 but here it is if any of you are interested. 

the fantastical elements of this story, along with some of the portrayal of certain characters such as luc and those that passed addie by made me fall in love with what v.e. schwab had to offer.

however, i can’t help but think that there’s s a lack of depth regarding minorities in this historical fantasy also set in the modern day. there were bits and pieces of this story that made me pause and feel like something was missing, aspects to it that left something to be desired. thinking back to it now, and after seeing a reviewer’s update on their review of this story, i‘ve come to understand that it could be because i knew this book could’ve been so much stronger if the mc was BIPOC or there were more characters of color who could give their own piece to the story as well.

there’s so much more i can say about it, but that’s a post entirely of its own to be made in future, i hope.

1. the year of the witching by alexis henderson

probably the best reading experience i ever had in 2020. here’s a review that goes into a bit more detail :’)

and here we go!!

10. clown in a cornfield by adam cesare

this book was so fun. i didn’t realize how much of a good time with this story i had until i was thinking about it last night. i mention in my review that i’m not a big horror reader but you can genuinely tell how much the author themself was a big fan of the genre and poured so much of their love into this book. it’s because of that love that i’m grateful for how much i enjoyed this story as a reader who typically is drawn more towards fantasy and contemporary fiction.

i didn’t have much of an attachment to the characters but they did make me laugh and smile despite this being a slasher horror, and because of that, this has become a pretty memorable book for me.

9. sex with shakespeare by jillian keenan

sex, to me, has always felt like a taboo topic, not just because i don’t have experience in it but because it all seems so complicated to me so just talking about it feels like i’m way out of my depth. what made this such an enlightening read for me was seeing how the author was discovering her sexuality through the influence of shakespeare’s works. keenan is very open and considerate of what readers may think going in learning about her fetish but she holds her own when it comes to her personal experience and how much more complicated one’s sexuality really is.

i highly recommend reading this article she wrote for the new york times here for more insight about her sexuality before this book came to be. 

in this compelling memoir, the author literally brought shakespeare’s own characters to life and made them feel real, connecting them to her journey throughout her life. this to me, was something i could completely relate to because there are fictional characters i envision in moments of my life where i need them most and seeing the author herself explore that felt so real and imaginative to me. 

this book was funny, light-hearted in some parts but incredibly vulnerable overall. i found the insightful analyses she’s made with shakespeare’s works so smart and well-written, i couldn’t give this book anything less than a five-star.

8. blood water paint by joy mccullough

written in verse, this historical fiction took me a while to get through but only because it was just one of those weeks where reading wasn’t that easy for me. once i finally got back into the stick of things, i completely devoured the rest of this story in less than a day. 

the main character’s love for art was written with so much vision and spilled out in all these bright colors as depicted on the cover. what i particularly loved about this story were the interludes, little pieces inbetween chapters where the main character reflects on her deceased mother’s stories that were told to her when she was young. these characters that the mother envisioned in her storytelling became a source of light for the main character in her real life, where she then is raped by a popular artist in her village that was a mentor to her for a brief time. the aftermath of this assault culminated into a trial that got quite bloody, particularly involving self-afflicted torture in a matter of dignity.

the title makes sense once we’re in the aftermath of this trial, but how the characters from her mother’s storytelling come to life in the moments when she feels vulnerable are something i was completely enraptured in. this was because it wasn’t just their stories being told, but it was also the main character’s. seeing fiction and reality converge in such a time where women were used and borrowed felt like a vindication of sorts, very telling in how the arts works wonders upon a world that prioritizes logic over matter. 

7. everything i never told you by celeste ng

this is a story about a family who’s dealing with the grief of the middle child, who’s assumed to have committed suicide. having the story reflect on each family member before and after lydia’s death, each of them dealing with grief in their own ways, impacted me just the same as how i saw how much they were grieving even before everything was torn down to pieces, all to the point where there was no way to go back. family sagas in literary fiction are always something i find myself to really connect with, and this one was no exception.

i’d also recommend listening to “ven” by cami, if not because you yourself might understand my feelings about this story a bit better then just because it’s a really good song that i discovered as i was reading this book. 

6. darius the great is not okay by adib khorram

there’s one particular post i made regarding this story that i’d love to share here. through that post, i share a bit about my connection to darius as our narrator in this first book and then going on to the second book, “darius the great deserves better”, review for that sequel here. 

just as darius felt a disconnect to not just his persian side of the family, but also from his entire family as a whole, i felt the same when it came to my dominican heritage. reading his journey throughout this first book in his own voice meant a lot to me then and it means a lot to me now.

seeing him grow and create bonds with characters like sohrab, his depression not being put off to the side but not beholding itself as the center of the story, and then just the persian culture all in itself when darius and his family travel to iran due to personal circumstances--all of it, makes this story something so incredibly special to me. 

i learned a lot from this book, and seeing family at the forefront throughout all this was everything.

5. autoboyography by christina lauren

lo and behold my 2020 comfort book of the year + one of my favorite books of all-time. it’s the same feeling i had with “verona comics”, except even stronger because i came into this book thinking it’d be a nice and light read but it was so much more than that. 

not only did this story center around two teenage boys in love but it also took into account of the relationships that they both had with other characters in this story. the portrayal of both tanner and sebastian’s families moved me beyond belief, for entirely different reasons, but seeing their story play out along with these two characters made this story hit even harder than i would expect. the location of this story and the significance of that plays such a huge role when it came to how tanner’s bisexuality was represented throughout, and how sebastian’s own grapple with his sexuality affected parts of the story. the author’s note at the end was just about anything i could ever want when it comes to understanding the purpose of one specific story, except i already learned so much from it that reading that note made the characters feel even more real.

may i suggest listening to “someone” by michael schulte because the lyrics of this song and the singer’s voice itself remind me strongly of tanner and sebastian’s relationship? which thus led it to becoming a big comfort song for me? so much so that it was my 2020 song of the year on spotify? no? yes? cool :’)

4. clap when you land by elizabeth acevedo

this was my first acevedo book, “the poet x” being her most popular work, but “clap when you land” for me too important a read that i didn’t want to miss as i was first going into acevedo’s writing. you can say that it’s because of how much this book means to me that it motivated me to read her sophomore novel “with the fire on high” and motivates me to finally read her debut “the poet x”. 

i’ve talked to myself a lot about the personal connection i have with this book, but i’ll just say here that the context behind how these two main characters weren’t aware of each other’s existence and what it meant as they were also dealing with the fact that their now-dead father was still there for them despite having them in two different places,,,,,it’s just too monumental for me to put into words here. this author being afro-latina just like me and having written this story about a flight destined to dominican republic that never actually made it, and with so much heart above it all, i connected with it a lot.

as a dominican who feels both connected and disconnected to her heritage, this story breathed so much life into me. i wish you can know just how much. 

3. lobizona by romina garber

the fact that i thought everyone would talk about this 2020 release with so much fervor and yet here i am holding the weight of this story with both shoulders,,,,unbelievable. i always feel insecure when it comes to recommending a book because the fact that i thought this one was incredible but not a lot people have talked about it, it makes me wonder why that is.

i really loved this book because as fast of a read as it was, there was so much to take in that you can tell how much effort the author put into it. as a fantasy, it’s connection to our reality is so grounded that it makes you wonder if it actually exists, and the background of our main character raises the stakes of a story like this where one’s identity matters too much to simply be blurred into the background. i loved seeing how there was animosity between these characters that we meet and the main character because despite having ties between each other, that doesn’t ignore how much labels in our society and the connotations that come with it carry its weight. seeing the sacrifices that were made and the discoveries coming at our main character with such a force, there was something so exciting that came from reading this book but it was very solemn overall.

the reason why this story isn’t at the #1 spot is because of technicalities, as i do admit that the ending did feel a bit rushed. but!! it made me more excited to see what’s to come in the second book of this series, “cazadora” (set to release in august 2021) so there we have it. 

2. black sun by rebecca roanhorse

inspired by the pre-Columbia Americas, this story and its different narrators enraptured me in each and every page, my love for naranpa and serapio as characters soaring beyond the pages. all these different narrators appeared to have started this story as if they had no ties to each other but really, these web of characters are so interwoven with each other that there’s no telling what their destinies reveal. seeing how naranpa and serapio’s fates were tied together (not romantic, just a note in case i made it seem as such) put me on edge because there was so much political conflict and then here was a prophecy that put so many lives at stake, it was hard to know what could possibly happen. because of this, the ending of this first book in the “between earth and sky” series absolutely bowled me over and i cannot wait to see what could possibly happen next.

let me also just show my appreciation for one of the narrators, xiala, who for some reason made me think for a brief moment that her part in the story was over but really, that could not be further from the truth, i have to believe in that. 

here is a review written by one of my favorite book bloggers about this story, listing five reasons as to why reading “black sun” could be an absolutely brilliant reading experience for you. it’s much more detailed and brings so much justice to this story than i ever could so if you’re interested, i highly recommend you check it out.

1. “lovely war” by julie berry

a mythic historical fiction that explored ww1 spanning a circle of characters, including the greek gods themselves—it was bound to catch my attention.

the beginning of this story immediately solidified my interest in the plot, the gods and aphrodite herself regaling the tale of mortals caught in the brink of a war that not only came with death and terror but music and bonds formed under strenuous circumstances.

watching as this journey didn’t exclude the gods themselves and how they were affected in what’s ultimately a love story, but not exclusively a romantic one, made this book become something so close to my heart, i’ll never let it go. i highly recommend.

~

and we’re done!! thank you to those who’ve read this far, this was actually a lot of work with a lot of links but i hope there’s something that you guys got out of it in the end. i’m really proud that i did this but i’m more proud of myself for having read so much in 2020 to have even been able to make this post. 

thank you to all the new characters i met who will stay in my heart forever but most importantly, my thanks go to the authors who worked so incredibly hard to get their books out there, some with debuts and others with a beginning of a new series; you guys have done so much among all the trials of 2020 and i, along with so many other readers, will continue working to get your stories out there this year and the years ahead, that’s for sure. 

happy new year to all of you and stay safe, everyone. 

[atopearth]

Higurashi When They Cry Part 8 - Ch 8 Matsuribayashi-hen

So, the reason Takano is obsessed with the Hinamizawa disease is because she wants to prove her grandpa's theory that there are parasites in our brains affecting our emotions and thoughts, and the different parasites in different areas etc are what causes cultural differences and clashes in thoughts across the world? And it's these parasites that "control" humans. It's saddening to think about the idea of orphanages that operated as a way to claim money "for the children" rather than actually taking care of the children. Like, I can understand being overworked and unappreciated considering the amount of war orphans and others like that, but the thought that people could take advantage of these children to get money and just treat them like prisoners to be beaten or punished when they don't act the way they want them to is just terrible... I guess the fact that the Takano back then who ran away from the orphanage and even bit off the finger of her pursuer to escape shows how bad the place was and how desperate she was to leave. It probably was literally a do or die situation to her.

It's kinda interesting to think that the reason why Takano's grandfather's research was ignored wasn't because it was useless, but because it might have actually been credible in a sense. Due to a war that had erupted because of the mystery behind whether a soldier from Hinamizawa shot the other side or not, this caused a neutral pact to fall through and make the two parties go to war. In the end, since Japan insisted that they weren't at fault and China insisted the same, if Takano's grandfather's research were to come to light, then the fault could be insinuated to be from the Hinamizawa soldier and therefore Japan's fault, and that's why the research was unsupported. I guess it's nice for Takano that her research is getting sponsored properly, by the SDF even since they would probably want to use it as a weapon if the research comes to fruition properly. On the other hand, child Takano got caught huh? Even though Dr Takano saved her later, I'm sure her trauma is something difficult to come to terms with. Personal note, I have to admit, I don't really care for Takano though haha, but I understand why her story is necessary to unfold now. It's saddening to watch how excited Dr Takano was over presenting his research to potential sponsors and then having it all shattered with their cruel allegations that it's all his own delusion and that he was so consumed with the research that he's just making it seem as if it's credible because he wants it to be and not because there's enough evidence or whatever. It's terrible to hear people say something like that for something you sacrificed your whole life to research..and imagine taking those doubts to the grave, like maybe he was delusional blah blah, that's crappy... Psychosurgery is something I never really thought about though! The idea of severing certain connections between the frontal lobe and the rest of the brain sounds really interesting yet dangerous, I can see why it was ethically challenged later on and even caused Dr Irie to kinda be cast aside from the industry considering his persistence on it when they're trying to swerve away from it. At least he sticks to his beliefs I guess haha.

The connecting fragments thing is rather interesting, I like getting more information on what exactly happened behind the scenes with all the discussions they had and everything. It's quite sad and sweet to see how Rika's conviction towards saving Satoko allowed her to accept the idea of people researching her brain or whatever since she's the "parasite leader". It's also saddening to see Hanyuu heartbroken over everyone fighting because of the dam project. Seeing Tomitake smitten with Takano is rather saddening too. Anyway, for context, connecting the fragments is to make way to the ultimate "ending" where they can win against Takano (since Takano has accumulated a lot of support from organisations such as the SDF and has "won" in every world before this because of it + her indomitable will to spread her grandfather's research making way for it to be "fate" I guess). Although it should have been expected that Ooishi has a particular reason to be so adamant about finding out the mystery and murders in Hinamizawa, I don't know why but I actually found his reason to be rather contrived when it was revealed that the dismembered dam construction head guy was someone he sort of respected as a second father after he lost his real one. I guess it's kinda because at this point, I've forgotten how I felt about Ooishi haha, and also because it's just a short segment I guess so it's hard to feel much for it. 

As someone whose not a big fan of Satoko (blasphemy, I know right haha), I definitely relate to Satoshi's situation much more and I always wanted more insight into his feelings. It's actually really sad to think about his situation. He loves Satoko, but he's also super tired, he'll always try to protect her whether it be from his stepfathers or his aunt and uncle, but regardless of whose fault it is, anyone will get tired of having to do this all the time. It was heartbreaking to hear that he hated himself for wanting Satoko to stay at the clinic longer just so he could have some peace away from his aunt and Satoko arguing all the time. As someone who also hates the sounds of arguing, I can understand a little bit of that and just how stressful it can be. I...wonder how Satoshi would react if he knew Satoko pushed her parents off the cliff on that trip. Like yeah, she was affected by the Hinamizawa Syndrome and that caused her to kinda go crazy from paranoia, but Satoshi was sane, he knew his parents really wanted to make amends, even the stepfather took courses to try and fix their relationship and Satoshi saw that, so I feel like if Satoshi found that out, he would break. Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel like the story is painting the Hinamizawa Syndrome. On one hand, I understand that yes, if it's caused by a medical condition exacerbating emotions that they can't control, it can't be helped that so many worlds turned out the way it did, but at the same time, it feels like a lot of it tries to apportion all the blame to the Hinamizawa Syndrome as if it never existed, then everything would be fine? Maybe I'm interpreting it wrong, but it makes me feel like that which I don't agree with, since I feel that even if things wouldn't have turned out so drastic with the clawing of the necks etc, I still think that with the way a lot of characters were treated and how they felt, things were inevitable whether the syndrome was there or not.

It's sweet to know that Tomitake was sincere with Takano and really tried his best to be her ally, it's just that even though he knew her, he couldn't really help her, and I guess that's something a lot of us struggle with. No matter how well we can know the people close to us, it's not necessarily true that we can "heal" them. Of course we still try, but as it was with Satoko, if they don't help themselves, then outside help can never truly help them. On the other hand, it's interesting that Keiichi's father was able to see Hanyuu and Rika play together when he first visited Hinamizawa hoping to change his life and environment for Keiichi. He's right though, as we grow older, I feel like we do slowly lose our "innocence" as we know more things and "sin", so when we look at children, we always think back and look fondly to that and to them as representative of what we lost and what we hope we still had. I guess it's kinda amusing to say that Takano had a strong will when she nearly gave up and drank her sorrows away after Koizumi (main backer who was friends with her grandpa) died and she couldn't convince the new people to believe in her research until some people under Koizumi's faction came along to "help" her. In a sense, Takano is just trying her best to make sure to tell everyone and her grandfather that he didn't waste away his whole life on useless research, but at the same time it's unsettling to watch her be so consumed by it. Anyway, as I said, it's amusing that Takano is considered to have a strong will, when in a sense I feel like Rika being able to live through all those worlds again and again should be "stronger" but at the same time more weary I assume haha. Regardless, I guess what Rika lacked was concrete support, since even if Takano is being used, she still has support, whereas Rika was always by herself with Hanyuu who doesn't really encourage her since she doesn't believe that fate will change and I guess that didn't help Rika haha.

Akasaka becoming super capable after his wife's death is interesting, like will he be able to reach the same heights in martial prowess if his wife doesn't end up dying? On the other hand, Hanyuu can transfer in as a normal kid?! Cuteee. It was so cute how Hanyuu tried so hard to tell them that she wanted to join their club, and I loved how Rika refused to say it for her, and told Hanyuu that if she wanted it, she had to say it herself. Believing in something is like a gamble huh? When you think about it like that, I guess in a sense, it is. Our beliefs are beliefs because it's not a fact or the "truth" after all, it's basically what we have chosen to think "exists" after we thought about it. The sad thing though is that what we believe in isn't always the "right" thing, but I guess that's fine since we chose to believe in it? Not gonna lie, when they were talking about how they "sacrificed" Hanyuu and her mother(?) back in the day to like cleanse their sins, all I could think about was Jesus, so now I'm just thinking about Rika's ancestor being Jesus and now she's met her in the flesh lol.

Anyway, I love how Hanyuu and Rika pitched their whole situation to Keiichi and them like it's a manga. I think it was really cool to see the whole group bounce ideas off each other with Rika piping in trying to get them to figure out what she couldn't about the whole situation. I really liked it since I feel like the biggest reason Rika is unable to find a way out of this a lot of the time is because she's the one experiencing it, and she's experienced it many times, so it's difficult for her to think outside the box when she feels like she's done that. So I think it's great to see her give the group details to try and see from their perspective what the reason could be for Takano to destroy Hinamizawa, and well as expected, she's most likely being used by the higher ups as she gets revenge by killing Rika and the village. It also feels so great to see Ooishi, Akasaka, Tomitake and Irie get to talk everything out and try to solve things, everything just feels like dang, we've really come such a long way for the final world! Btw lmao at Hanyuu teasing Rika about not trusting her friends enough, it's time for Hanyuu's revenge on Rika!! Or not, lmao at Rika making spicy food (Hanyuu hates it lol) and dumping the cream puffs lolll. On the other hand, omg I love the group's strategic meeting, Hanyuu fits in so well hahaha. I love the 48 hour strategy though, I didn't get it (just like Rena and Rika) initially, but once they explained it, I was like whoa, that is actually a great idea to blow away the presumption that everyone in the village goes crazy in 48 hours! If Rika's corpse appears and is proven that she had been dead for more than 48 hours and yet no one had gone crazy in that time, then their hypothesis about the queen carrier causing them to go crazy would be wrong and everything could sail much smoother, it's nice!

I guess it's really interesting how in the end, many people in Hinamizawa actually do understand and think that the dam construction war is over now and that things should start facing forward and moving properly again; whether this be Oryou or Mion and Shion's mother Akane, they're all tired of being stuck in the past and want to move beyond that, so it's nice to see that Akane and Shion actually visited the dam construction leader guy's grave every year (just like Ooishi) as a way to remind themselves but also tell him that the past is the past and they hope he rests in peace. I quite like Akane and Ooishi, I found it hilarious when Ohtaka was trying to get info about whether Rika was really dead and pretended he knew Sonozaki Saburou (higher up representative) right when he and Akane came in to the police station lol. On the other hand, I want to feel sorry for Takano, but whenever I think about how she was willing to sacrifice Tomitake in every world for her revenge, I don't really pity her lol. Honestly, it was only a matter of time until Tomitake would get captured since everyone knows how important he is, but I was so worried for Irie. No one needs to worry about Akasaka because he's obviously too strong haha. I didn't expect Shion to pick Irie up when he was injured, I was so relieved! But I will be so sad if she and Kasai die. It's nice to know Shion's true feelings and that even though Mion feels bad that she took Shion's place as the older sister, Shion also felt bad for taking Mion's place as the younger sister. Despite everything, they both know how hard it is to be in either place because of the burdens they have. Honestly, I nearly cried when Akasaka came to save the day, he really is Rika's hero, the one who will finally save her after regretting leaving her to die in so many worlds, it was so heartwarming to see. He's ridiculously OP but I guess that's what happens when you train for so long haha.

Satoshi being alive and in the basement if the clinic undergoing treatment is nice for Irie, Satoko and Shion. I personally think it fits the story better if he's dead, but if we want a true happy ending, then he needs to be there so that Satoko can truly apologise to him, Shion can properly tell him how much she cares and Irie can feel less guilt over having to kill or use terminal patients. The mountain fight between the kids club and the Mountain Dogs was pretty fun but expected, I still think in terms of excitement it pales in comparison to their usual games haha, but Mion as commander is always such a highlight, I love seeing how confident she is. It was nice to have the group pitted against Takano as a last battle kinda thing, but I do admit that when Takano was the "main loser" out of all this, I was like, can this really be a happy ending if they characterised her so much but gave only her a bad ending? So yeah even though Tomitake is too good for her, I was happy that he came back to save her, since he's just that kind of person. Honestly, whether Takano has the Hinamizawa Syndrome is something to think about since scratching herself could be stress too imo, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Anyway, I honestly wanted Takano to be a much more formidable opponent for them, but I guess not lol. What I really enjoyed though was Rika calling Akasaka "papa" at the festival and his wife was about to kill him over it🤣 and I'm glad that Hanyuu got to stay and play with them since she's part of the group after all. The possibilities of forever where Ryukishi07 talks about how we as readers could create our own abundance of fragments and stories etc was interesting I guess haha, I do wonder though, how would Takano's life have been if she went with her parents to the mall and they didn't end up dying? Wouldn't that be nice? But I wonder what would have happened with the Hinamizawa Syndrome like that.

Overall, the last chapter was as I expected? Honestly, I took a long time to read it because I knew it wouldn’t be my favourite or as enjoyable as the others so it was difficult to “end” my journey with Higurashi but yeah I still liked it regardless I guess haha. Anyway, yeah, I knew it wouldn't be as fun and interesting to me as the other chapters, especially since Keiichi and the others aren't as prominent here due to the adults helping out to obtaining the good ending with all of them. But I did enjoy Akasaka and everyone working their hardest in their own way to save the people important to them. I kinda thought Ooishi would have a better role but I guess it's okay that he and Akane are pretty funny together lol. However, I do think that Okonogi of the Mountain Dogs was more lacklustre(?) than I thought? I think he could have been pretty cool, but I guess they spent more time humanising Takano haha. The battles weren't as exciting as Keiichi's club battles but I guess that's because Keiichi is a funny and cool guy haha. And I think I just didn't care for all the god stuff with Hanyuu and everything, so I think it would have been better for me if everything was solved by everyone uniting together without the need of supernatural stuff but that's just me. I'm just glad that we got to see the fruits of all their efforts and see everyone believe in the miracle that they could win. It was really satisfying to see everything come into place.

Overall review

Higurashi is a solid VN. Honestly, when I first read Onikakushi, I wasn't sure if I would like it or not even though I was intrigued, but it was crazy how much I loved Watanagashi and the others. The way they set out the mystery, how they had the staff room talks to discuss with you the possibilities and everything, it was just so much fun. I loved the endless possibilities of each different world and how it showed really well how living in your own bubble, not trusting your friends and not communicating with others could make things go so wrong. Of course a lot of it was attributed to the Hinamizawa Syndrome, but at the same time there were a lot of real problems that each character had to go through in order to grow, and I think I personally loved Rena's arc the most. I think her emotions were portrayed so well, and I loved how everyone in the group united with her in Meakashi. I loved how the theme of friendship felt so real, and I think going through the various chapters really helped to build that. Honestly, the slice of life parts used to be so long and annoying for me in the first two chapters, but it eventually became the highlight for me, and it was better than the mystery itself haha. Overall, I think I would give the whole story (all the chapters) an 8.5/10 and would definitely recommend it over the anime (the new one at least haha, I haven’t watched the old one), I think what makes Higurashi so good is how detailed it goes into a lot of the feelings and actions of our main characters and I feel like a lot of that is lost in the anime. Anyway people say the PS3 sprites and voice patches are needed to enjoy this, but I played it like the original sound novel it was and I still loved it. I think it's actually kinda crazy how music and character sprites can enhance the experience of reading a novel so much haha. So yeah, I don't doubt that maybe the patch could make it even better (I guess I can try it in the future haha, since I do think I would like to read it again) but I think it's fine either way. I also bought it in Japanese for the switch so maybe I'll read it in Japanese one day!😆

[plainjaneoliver]

bad friend / jane + charlie

If Charlie stared at Owen’s house for long enough, then it might just disappear. The very foundations of the building might just sink into the earth out of sight, out of mind. After working to her very first deadline and being very proud of the small interview piece with Rory that she turned in, she was looking for a celebration that didn’t involve this – standing around the back of Owen’s house and wishing to be somewhere else.

Even though it had been a matter of weeks since Matt’s death, it felt too soon for returning to the life she had been living before. Especially when that was a life she was trying to distance herself from. Evenings spent sat in Owen’s house as her, Jane, Owen and JJ did drugs. Or the nights where Charlie assisted Owen with the running of his business, streamlining processes and helping with the finances. She wished she had lied about being done with her article.

Maybe the house would just crumble to the ground.

She lit up another cigarette – the fifth of daily allowance. Fuck it; she’d have six or seven today. Everything in her life resembled her cigarette habit that she could not quit. Owen, this life, the drugs, the undying need for destruction in her otherwise normal life – when would it end? Tomorrow, after another cigarette…?

With her head pressed against the brick wall, exhaling smoke around her head like the opposite of a halo, she didn’t hear the gate opening wide and Jane coming through it.

Charlie was dressed in all black. Shoes, blazer, trousers, top – black, black, black. In contrast, Jane was in a little white dress, a huge white fluffy coat, white boots and a light pink bucket hat.

“Hello, Jane,” Charlie started in her husky tones, causing Jane to release a squeal. Squinting in the poor light, she calmed down when she realised who owned this voice. “Careful, that dress would not survive you shitting yourself.”

Jane laughed once without humour.

“Read the room, Charlie, there’s like, a literal murderer loose on the streets.”

Jane was pretty aware that this murder was most likely a targeted attack, but it felt easier to pretend there was a psycho killer on the loose. Especially since it was only a matter of time before JJ was forced into the spotlight for being a suspect and even though they were trying to help cover things up before there was a shift in focus from Owen to him, there appeared to be more against him than for him at this point.

“That’s a fun idea considering this person probably just wanted to kill Matt and Matt alone.”

So Charlie wasn’t interested in pretending.

Jane rolled her eyes and got her own cigarettes out, because she needed a smoke for this conversation. As she was struggling to light it in the cold air, Charlie took this as an opportunity to continue speaking.

“What’s happening in there anyway? Developing a plot to save JJ’s bacon?”

There was a smirk in her voice that Jane couldn’t shake.

They had been talking about it in there. The Keira Problem, The Rumour Problem (although carefully not telling Owen about Alice, as JJ was still adamant Owen couldn’t know anything about her even though Jane was sure Owen gave less than two shits about him dating stupid Alice and he probably already knew) and yes, how they would save JJ’s bacon.

It annoyed Jane that Charlie seemed to be getting out of anything to do with helping them. Sure, she got Owen out of jail, but that took JJ to convince her. She didn’t even lie in the interview, whereas Jane would give a false alibi to get JJ out of that situation. She wanted to be the one who saved him.

“Have you come to offer your valuable insight?”

It’s not like Jane and Charlie didn’t get on. When Charlie was still in college, she just seemed to care more about this little group. They would sit in parks getting trashed, Charlie or JJ buying the alcohol, trying new drugs, fuck, they had even kissed once. Or twice. Definitely not more than three times anyway.

Since then though Charlie had been drifting. Getting coffees for people at the office being more important than buying her alcohol. She felt replaced by her grown-up alternative – Robin. And now when the four of them should be sticking together, she had to be bribed into fixing things. She was the leak in their boat and she could capsize them all in a matter of minutes.

“You must all have it under control if you’re leaving now.”

There was an ease with which she spoke as if Owen hadn’t just gotten out of prison. As if her insides hadn’t been in bits due to it all. Jane felt the constant fear in her stomach, was Charlie sick all the time too? Did she find it hard to fall asleep, because she could wake up to news that affected them all? Did she spend nights looking behind her shoulder?

It didn’t seem like it.

“I have a wax.” She offered, causing the ease on Charlie’s face to spread, like a warm sun had been hitting her face. Something in Jane snapped. Fuck the leak in the boat. “We were all there that night, you know, you’re part of this too and -,”

“Jane.”

The ease parted like it wasn’t the sun at all. It was just the calm before the storm. And Jane knew then that she was feeling all the same things as her, but not out of a sense of group guilt. She was worried about herself.

“I was there that night. I saw JJ go off, I saw Owen go off, and I saw you get so drunk that you probably don’t remember the end of the night. I’ve saved the person I need to save, if Owen wants to get involved with saving JJ then that’s on him, but I think it’s his responsibility. Not yours, not ours, certainly not mine. I know JJ isn’t as smart as Owen, but really, we shouldn’t be coddling him like this, sweetheart.”

Jane watched Charlie put out her own cigarette in the most casual of manners. She chewed on her bottom lip ferociously, thinking about the leak in the boat.

Charlie felt the dynamite ready to blow and as she was very bored and not wanting to join the boys without a little excitement first, she continued to push at the buttons just a little bit more.

“How are things going with that girl in the petrol station? Owen said that was a major issue for JJ. I’m guessing you’re helping with that, just like you’ll probably end up falsifying an alibi for him. Unless you’ve already lied to the police…”

Charlie was thinking about dynamite.

Jane was thinking about the leak in the boat. Leak, leak, leak.

She exploded and turned to run back through the gate.

“I don’t think you should be told anything else. I’m going to make sure they don’t tell -,”

Charlie grabbed at her arm and despite Jane doing kettlebells class, she felt weak in that moment. She tried to shake her off, but Charlie got her face as close to Jane’s so she could whisper the words that would later come to mean a threat. It was a threat.  

“Jane, honey, I was talking about JJ being stupid and now you think this. Do you think I have a death wish? I’m not going to do anything with what I know. Even if I am pretty sure JJ is a killer. As long as I’m with Owen, that’s what I owe you all. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Charlie smiled sweetly, moving closer ever still to plant a kiss on Jane’s lips. Just a peck.

So maybe now it was four kisses.

“Now don’t you have a wax to be getting off to?”

Jane nodded once as Charlie moved backwards. The ease was on her face again and Jane felt that fear tighten in weird ways.

She threw her forgotten cigarette on the floor and started to walk away, hearing the gate open behind her. Quickly turning around, she threw the last thing she could say to make this interaction any more normal.

“I’m throwing a party on Friday. It’s to look more normal, less –,”

“Suspicious. That is smart, Jane. I’ll be there, of course.” Charlie nodded with a thoughtful smile, as if she actually meant it was smart. The softness in this moment where Charlie had previously been intimidating her caused her to get sweaty and nervous.

There was only one thing left to say.

“Uh… don’t tell Robin anything, as well.”

Charlie could have rolled her eyes at how Jane was really losing her cool so easily. The police hadn’t even started questioning JJ yet, would she actually be having a breakdown then? She felt pity for Jane, standing there with balled fists, looking like a child more than ever, begging her not to tell the adults about what she’d been doing.

She shook her head with a smile that would be given to a child if she ever saw one.

“I don’t like to repeat myself, but I’m not doing anything with what I know.” She saw Jane visibly relax and decided she could throw her another bone. God, she was being helpful. “I would try to be an extra nice sister if I were you though, because I wouldn’t want the best friend of the murdered boy to be suspicious of my boyfriend being the killer.”

And so they went their separate ways. Charlie to go and make JJ feel so uncomfortable that he’d probably leave within the hour and she’d be free to have sex with Owen, Jane to go and get a wax.

[imaginaryelle]

some meta thoughts

I was reading some meta by @crowleyraejepsen about Aziraphale’s neoliberalist tendencies (which is extremely interesting and everyone should check it out), and it got me thinking about the relationships between Heaven (and Hell) and Earth, and the relationships between angels and demons and humans, as presented in the book and in the show. Some of my thoughts are about the in-universe, world-building implications, and some of them are about the book’s function as a work of satire. So, here we go.

One of the big themes of the book is free will, and how important it is. It is, to a certain extent, what separates angels and demons from humans and what makes Adam centrally important. And I was always kind of confused about that, because angels and demons obviously make choices that go counter to their “nature.” Demons fall because of choices they make, and the idea that they’re predestined to fall is pretty… well it’s pretty dark. And I don’t think it’s really accurate within the world-building, even though there are branches of Christianity that go in for that sort of determinism. So the conclusion I came to today is that free will, in this sense, isn’t about the ability to make choices, but about how those choices affect a being and their relationship to different power hierarchies. Humans can make a whole myriad of choices about their own nature. A human can completely change their morality, their relationship to power, the way they live their life, etc., quite easily and in a very short span of time, without really affecting their spirit, for lack of a better word. There’s no divine retribution for changing allegiances, for humans, during their lifetime, and it’s implied that even once started down a path in a particular direction, they can still course-adjust at any time (take Hastur’s priest temptation, for example). But for an angel or a demon, those sorts of changes are literally and immediately catastrophic. And while there may be other options (as seen in Aziraphale and Crowley adopting a lot of human mannerisms and behavior patterns), the only real example either angels or demons have for “what happens when I change my relationship to power or morality” is the Fall.

From an in-universe perspective, I think it’s safe to say that no one can be sure that absolutely everything isn’t predestined. That’s why ineffability is mentioned so often, but it’s especially why (I think) it’s consistently mentioned by Aziraphale, and also possibly why Aziraphale collects books of prophecy. Because prophecy represents a potential insight into ineffability, and because, for Aziraphale, it’s entirely possible that literally everything, including which angels fall when, is predetermined and part of the Plan. But he can’t be entirely certain. He can’t know, for example, that he won’t fall if he makes a big enough change in himself. He can’t know that he’s not going to, no matter how many texts he collects. Not even Agnes can tell him. And so his relationship to the power and hierarchy of the universe becomes to defend and reinforce it, mostly out of fear. Fear that if he changes himself too much too quickly, if he questions the way things are going, he could very easily lose his entire sense of self. We can see this in his repeated assertions that he can’t question the Divine Plan, and his defense of Heaven’s tactics, despite any misgivings he might have on personal moral grounds (see, the Noah’s Ark scene and crucifixion in the show, the “freedom fighters” and guns discussions in the book, etc.). Anything is permissible, as long the right side is doing it.

Now, Crowely. From the book:

People couldn’t become truly holy, [Aziraphale] said, unless they also had the opportunity to be definitively wicked. Crowley had thought about this for some time and, around about 1023, had said, Hang on, that only works, right, if you start everyone off equal, okay? You can’t start someone off in a muddy shack in the middle of a war zone and expect them to do as well as someone born in a castle. Ah, Aziraphale had said, that’s the good bit. The lower you start, the more opportunities you have. Crowley had said, That's lunatic. No, said Aziraphale, it's ineffable.

Obviously, Crowley isn’t a fan of the Ineffable Plan, and I’d posit it’s precisely because he’s already fallen. Oh, everything is predestined but demons and humans still get punished? What sort of plan is that? A psychotic one, that’s what. And so it’s easier for him to challenge the idea of a Great Plan, even though it also challenges the power he is subject to in Hell’s hierarchy, because he’s more scared of immovable predestination (who is he, if even becoming a demon isn’t actually based on his choices?) than he is of retribution (though he is, admittedly, quite scared of retribution).

From the book:

“It’s not that I disagree with you,” said the angel as they plodded along the grass. “It’ just that I’m not allowed to disobey. You know that.” “Me too,” said Crowley. Aziraphale gave him a sidelong glance. “Oh, come now,” he said, “you’re a demon after all.” “Yeah, but my people are only in favor of disobedience in general terms. It’s specific disobedience they come down on heavily.” “Such as disobedience to themselves?” “You’ve got it. You’d be amazed. Or perhaps you wouldn’t be.”

This, in the same conversation where he’s trying to convince Aziraphale to help him interfere with Warlock’s upbringing. And then, after the fiasco of Warlock’s birthday party:

“You’ll be amazed at the kind of things they can do to you, down there,” he said. “I imagine they’re very similar to the sort of thing they can do to one up there,” said Aziraphale. “Come off it, your lot get ineffable mercy,” said Crowley sourly. “Yes? Did you ever visit Gomorrah?” “Sure,” said the demon. “There was this great little tavern where you could get these terrific fermented date-palm cocktails with nutmeg and crushed lemongrass—” “I meant afterwards.” “Oh.”

So from these bits I infer that both Crowley and Aziraphale are, somewhat, operating under a sort of low-grade fear a lot of the time (and we can relate this to queerness and otherness and marginalization in a lot of societies too, but that’s a whole other essay or three). Fear that the power structures they’re aligned with but don’t quite fit into ("I suppose--get off the road you clown--your people wouldn't consider--and the scooter you rode in on--giving me asylum?" / "I was going to ask you the same thing--Watch out for that pedestrian!") are going to topple down on them.

But what are those power structures, exactly?

One of the most interesting differences between the show and the books for me was actually the depiction of Heaven and Hell. In the book, I got the impression that they were both bureaucracies, but that Heaven was run more like a government military (with commanding officers and a very strict chain of command, etc, but the Final Authority is actually someone else) and Hell is more like feudalism, with its dukes and lords and, ultimately, king, or as an office environment, with the contract department, etc. Both have paperwork, but somehow it’s not quite as bad as human paperwork (Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying:“Learn, guys”). 

But in the show, Heaven is depicted more like a large, abusive corporation where the CEO is just never around so you have a rich, overpaid management team running amok doing whatever they feel like to enforce their influence, and Hell is … I’m not really sure what Hell is because the visual design evokes post-apocalyptic dystopian psuedo-anarchy generally governed by corrupt oligarchy. There’s probably a better word for it that I’m missing. Lots of concrete and closed in spaces and visual markers for poverty and imprisonment (possibly because, contrary to more medieval ideas, modern Christian-dominated society tends to relate poverty with sin and criminality--and as Pratchett observed in the guard novels, owning a slum isn’t a crime, but living in one very nearly is). There’s not an official set power structure (presumably, anyone can advance if they gather enough influence), but there is a hierarchy all the same.

Stemming from both of those depictions is a really interesting (to me) tangled bit of world-building, because there is absolutely no explicit in-universe reason Heaven or Hell should be set up this way. Why are Heaven and Hell such strict hierarchies? Out-of-universe it’s likely because the authors needed that structure in order to actually criticize it. The book’s discussion of religion and Church philosophy is pretty firmly based in a Western interpretation of modern Christianity, which makes sense because that's what the authors have experienced, and it makes sense also that they’d update the show’s depictions to represent more present-day reflections. But if you start with Eden, there’s two whole millennia (half the Earth’s in-canon existence!) before Christianity is a thing at all. (I’m focusing on Christianity here because that’s what the book does.) Did Heaven and Hell look different in those early times? Did they change alongside humanity? Or did humanity change to resemble the shape of Heaven and Hell?

Obviously the latter option is the one the Church has leaned into throughout history, but my theory is that that Heaven and Hell changed in response to humans. Looking at both authors’ other depictions of religion, human belief probably plays a strong role in how the Good Omens universe is actually structured. Which means that human society shapes everything. We’re not actually looking at a top-down hierarchy from day one, we’re looking at a representation of the cosmos that is constantly in flux for four millennia. Which then makes me wonder: Were Crowley and Aziraphale less afraid before, say, the crucifixion of Christ? There is certainly a stark difference between Aziraphale saying “I must have put it down somewhere, forget my own head next” (re: flaming sword and said to actual God) and the business with lighting candles and trying to appeal to a Higher Authority and then ... not really arguing when the Metatron disagrees with him. Did Aziraphale have different moral standards around social inequality before the consolidation of the Church in the Middle Ages, when (potentially) European politics and religion intertwined so closely that the structure of maintaining power on Earth (feudalism) became the new shape of Heaven and Hell? Were there periods when the difference between angel and demon were less rigid? There were obviously periods when more of them showed up on Earth more often (Gomorrah, Christ’s birth, etc.). So what changed? Because something changed by the time the 15th century rolled around and Crowley was getting commendations for things he didn’t even know were happening (Spanish Inquisition, in the book).

My personal headcanon is that humans decided demons and angels didn’t come to Earth much anymore. They started writing doctrine about how divine will was actually executed through Earthly representatives, like popes, and priests, and kings, and fostered social mythology that evil could get into your head and make you do things, even without actual possession, and that made it so. Not just in the structure of Heaven and Hell, but even in the structure of angels’ and demons’ minds. “Oh, there’s nothing more for us to do, really, but wait for Armageddon. The Big One we’ve all been waiting for.” Earth just kinda hums along on its own. No more big displays of power from visitors on either side, just that careful craftsmanship of a soul, if you feel like it. But Aziraphale and Crowley are still on Earth because they’ve always been there, and they are, by definition, Earthly representatives; they’ve had to adapt already, and now they have to adapt faster. Between changes in doctrine and population explosions, they had to learn to use humans more effectively, which means they had to think more like humans, and, on a certain level, become more human. They had to develop imagination, and ended up developing other things as well; Crowley develops compassion and morals, and Aziraphale develops vices and guile.

And then we have Adam, human incarnate, who believes things on scales beyond even what whole societies can muster up. And he “knows all about” Aziraphale and Crowley. And he doesn’t want an apocalypse. And he thinks people should start doing better when they’re alive, instead of waiting until they’re dead to sort things out.

What do you think Heaven and Hell look like now? How does that knowing affect Aziraphale and Crowley? Are they more human, with more ability to change than ever before? Or less? Can Aziraphale actually still fall? Could Crowley be forgiven?

It’s a whole new universe, when Adam’s done with it. Anything could happen.

[arabellaflynn]

There is a school of thought that good relationships require effort, but should not need work. You mostly see it quoted at people who want help with their love lives, but it sometimes pops up in the context of family issues, and rarely for friendships. I'm not sure I agree. It depends, I think, on what kind of work you're talking about. Is it work you want to do for your own sake? Does the other person give you room to do it? Do you feel like the relationship is worth the work involved? I have had to think quite a lot about relationships in the past couple of months, on top of the actual practical work I've been doing. When you work in the arts, your business relationships are also your friendships. It's got pros and cons. I stay adamantly freelance mainly so that I can be prickly about the cons, because they are way up there on the list of things that will tank my mental state. The pros are a helluva thing, though. Ye Ballroom Instructor and I each have our own demons to wrestle with. Similar, but not the same, and mostly anxiety-based. I recognize a lot of his tells from myself. We've set each other off a couple of times. It's not pleasant. I don't enjoy anxiety attacks for obvious reasons, and on top of that is the  fear that every time I fuck something up will be the last, that I have broken... whatever it is we're building. Whoever spooked first always comes back, after a bit of calm down, but the time in between is upsetting. I have asked myself why this specific relationship is so goddamned important to me. Because plainly it is. I've gotten to the point of Googling for insight on handling an anxious-avoidant dynamic, because that's how I handle all my problems when I have an open browser window in front of me. The only advice I could ever find was 'run away'. I just sat there and thought, "That's not helpful, we don't like not being friends." When it works, it is comfortable in a way I'm not sure I can articulate. I spend a lot of time feeling  guilty for knowing things I haven't technically been told. My life is a fight to remind myself that, while gestures and expressions are probably accurate reflections of what someone was thinking at the moment, asking them what any of it means is useless and often inappropriate. He uses it. It's mostly on purpose, and when it's not, he still knows it's going on. I am allowed to know whatever I read on his face. It took me a while to work out how he wanted me to react to some of it. I tried interacting with him like we were normal people a few times, and it was confusing and upsetting for both of us. He seems much happier when I just glance over and answer things he hasn't said. I can get very jumpy when significant parts of the conversation come in on the subtitles. I'm used to people saying one thing and signalling another, expecting me to ignore one of them (except when they don't), and when I pick the wrong one (or they change their mind) I get shouted at. "Open your ears!" and "I never said that!" are among the favorites. Feels like a trap. I have a policy for dealing with crazy people of responding only to what they literally told me, and letting them tantrum for the rest. Ye Ballroom Instructor is more subtext than text at the best of times. His signalling isn't contradictory, but it's more congruent and continuation than an actual echo of what he's saying. A few restrained words, and a hundred significant footnotes. It scares me that I can't always know exactly what and how far to read into any of it. I am sure that I'm supposed to be reading into it. You don't get "Thank you, for everything," three times inside of an hour, verbatim with italics, if 'everything' just means 'the pretty flowers you brought for my opening night'. He might also do that because I tend to respond by hugging him. Dunno. He's bad at asking for things directly. He's working on it, I'm working on it. They're all things you have to fix for yourself, but can't fix without having another person to give you feedback. You can figure this shit out with someone or on someone, and figuring it out on someone who hasn't volunteered as Tribute is kind of a dick move. I think what's going on with him is that he accidentally made a much better friend than he intended, and now he's got a bunch of feelings about that. Not bad feelings, just big ones and a lot of them. He is a very nice, very gay ex-Catholic boy from a blue collar background, so this will take a while to sift through. He also is, or was, really afraid I would bail on him before he got his shit sorted out. You should never go into your relationships -- platonic, romantic, familial, professional, whatever -- expecting that other people will change to make you happy. You can change yourself if you want, but it's best to take others the way you find them. Sometimes they do, though. Not always the way you'd expect. I had to sit down and really think about it when I realized Ye Ballroom Instructor was doing the answering-me-with-his-eyebrows thing on purpose. Talking about feelings scares him absolutely shitless, but I needed some kind of feedback or I ended up confused and upset, so he just figured out how to do it without talking. Not normal, and shows an understanding of how emotional hypervigilance works that you can unfortunately only get from living it, but brilliant. Can't imagine what kind of utter fucking mess I'd be without the Eccentric in the other corner, adamant that connection is a real thing, a good thing, and a thing you are absolutely allowed to chase in your life. But that's another essay. from Blogger https://ift.tt/2xvtlJR via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a Patron, subscribing via Kindle, or just toss a little something in my tip jar. Thanks!

[xoruffitup]

Just want to flail over Adam’s parts? People, I AM HERE FOR YOU. Here’s a time-stamped cheat sheet of Adam’s comments and generally precious moments. (Basically Round 2 of my overall flaily recap of this panel right after it happened.)

I start the video and my heart freaks out remembering when he first walked on stage. Get me a paper bag before I pass out... His little ‘Hello!’ and one-handed wave when he walked out I was already deceased.

1:35 - Everyone please just watch this adorable tall man awkwardly sit and fidget and bite his lip and make his oh god public attention face

11:25 - Adam makes no judgments about his character’s morality. He empathizes more with Ben Stiller’s character in the While We’re Young film than with his own, but recognizes that his own feelings about the character are irrelevant; as are his feelings about his own performance. 

“It’s not about me feeling it, it’s about an audience feeling it.”

I’m constantly struck by his humility and maturity in always thinking of himself as only a small part in every film project, regardless of how large his role might be. He’s hyper-aware that none of it is about him, and becomes uncomfortable when people try to make it so. Although he explains here that he relates to the “debilitating” pressure to play a role correctly or authentically, and we know that he constantly over-thinks and scrutinizes his own work to the point of not being able to watch himself on film; He also recognizes his personal gratification with his performance comes second to the overall story being told. Internally, he might hold himself to high personal standards, but he never presumes those standards should be projected on anyone else. He finishes this answer with “Who am I to say if they’re right or wrong?” (If audiences respond to a less authentic version of a work.)

I would love to hear him answer this same question about Kylo’s character.

27:50 (One of the moments when I had to physically restrain myself from flailing in my seat because he’s so damn presh) - The moderator tried to “bring back Adam” because he’d hardly spoken so far, and Adam goes “I’m good, I’m good.” Ben Stiller interjected, “Can I just say something about acting with Adam?” and Adam immediately shakes his head and waves his hand in a silent “Please no”, but then very magnanimously tells Ben to go ahead, even while squirming in his seat a tiny bit while Ben talked about him. 

29:00 - Adam says Noah’s writing is very “theatrical.” I did find it interesting how he talked here about a whole range of different potential meanings within the same words of a script, depending on how they’re delivered. I also love when he talks about working in theatre, just because I have a soft spot for stage actors. 

(Watching this whole video back makes me realize Adam really did quite effortlessly and unconsciously charm the audience (not just me), even speaking so little compared to the other panelists. I remembered clearly when he had his ~showdown with the moderator towards the end the audience was 100% on his side, clapping for him, but generally there are so many audience laughs for the little self-deprecating jokes Adam mixes into all his answers.)

31:10 (Alert alert, fangirl moment) - Perfect capture of how he fiddles with his fingers and listens so attentively. 

33:28 - THAT L A U G H

35:08 - My other favorite funny/presh moment! “There’s humor in doing the same things in life and still trying to make them more efficient... Like I still don’t think I’ve ever gotten into a car the right way.” (Confused audience laughter?) Then Adam gets serious with chagrin right away like “...that was a bad example...” (Audience continues laughing with him even though most people probably don’t get it.) He made a last-ditch effort to explain himself by saying “the Tesla” - but didn’t quite get to fully explain that he was referring to the uber-modern Tesla car that was driving him around the island over the weekend. Regardless, everyone found it amusing and I was there like I stan a man who can’t get into a car right WHAT A GEM

36:27 (Alert alert, another fangirl moment) - Everyone please just watch him take a drink of water. Why every single damn thing he did was totally mesmerizing to me I don’t know, but you’ll thank me later. 

46:13 - The moderator mentions Paterson screened at the Nantucket Film Festival several years ago. Adorable moment where he goes to start listing all the famous people from Paterson and has to give up with “...and a bunch of other people I can’t remember right now.”

47:10 - Hilarious moment but first strike against the narrator. Ben Stiller had to ask Chris Matthews if Paterson was the first movie he’d seen Adam in because yeah, he’d kind of been neglecting Adam a bit (not that Adam minded, clearly), but Ben went “...he’s also in Star Wars,” and the whole place cracked up. 

49:10 - Non-Adam moment, but I was really intrigued with Noah Baumbach’s comment here, talking about developing his dialogue and how “there’s communication, and then there’s talking.”

50:10 - THIS IS IT, FOLKS, THE GOLD MINE OF ADAM CHARM AND SASS. THE LEGENDARY MOMENT IS NEARING. Watch Adam’s life flashing before his eyes in a panic when the question “Who is the most influential person in your life” is suddenly thrown at him. He wasn’t ready for this!! (Although great question, Rea, so glad it was asked!) Then after he says he’ll pass on the question, you can see him basically flying to Mars in his head pondering. Then the cuteness and laughter when he announces he does have an answer!! He was 1000% the whole audience’s darling by this point. Then his answer is basically, “Listen to how insightful my wife is because she’s the best.” Then after boasting about his wife it’s right back to his modest self: “On to the next question and then I’ll finish this monologue...”

LOOK, okay he wasn’t even talking for that long! He’d given what, 3 answers before this during the whole hour-long panel?! The moderator himself blabbed at least twice as much. I was loving this monologue because it was the first time Adam was actually talking for an extended time. But apparently we can’t have nice things becomes here comes Mr. Rude-ass, Clueless Moderator...

(Also, Ben and Noah were 100% engaged with what Adam was saying so literally this was only the moderator’s problem...)

52:32 - The moderator audibly sighs into his microphone in the middle of Adam’s “monologue” and I’m SO glad Adam unpretentiously called him out: “.....Are you bored by my answer?” The whole audience laughed in sympathy with him because it was so weird and rude? Then Adam went on to be even more of a clever QT like: “You were thinking about another question? That’s what I was doing during your answers...” And the man is so straight-faced about it you genuinely can’t even tell if he purposefully meant that well-done, five-course ROAST. 

I cringe so hard at this memory I can barely watch it back, but ughhhh queue the moderator interrupting Adam’s attempt to resume his answer, with some bullshit about Jeff Goldblum... What even? Jeff Goldblum was mentioned once in the panel previously, but wtf how does your mind go there when Adam Driver is giving a painfully earnest, precious, and over-thought monologue for you???

52:50 - “...SO STAR WARS.” BOOM. In three words Chris Matthews has been KO’d. omg look at the almost proud look on Noah’s face like yeah you tell him bb and Ben’s cracking up, and the whole audience flips out like DAMN, SAVAGE!!!

(Also for ~context reference, walking out from the auditorium afterwards, I remember overhearing two guys saying to each other “Chris Matthews was like one of those old guys who just blurts whatever’s going through his head.” “Yeah but you’d think when you’re talking to Adam Driver you’d be more respectful and reign it in.” and in my head I was like DAMN RIGHT. Watching this whole thing back, Matthews gets on my nerves basically the whole time. He seems to enjoy hearing himself talk so much that he forgot what a moderator’s actual job is.)

58:40 - Adam’s advice to aspiring filmmakers about the usefulness of going to school, getting a firm foundation in your craft, and having the insulated space to fail and build yourself. 

Just so I can ~complete my revisiting of this whole experience~, I’ll add this photo taken by @wherethepastaat aka Rea aka https://twitter.com/cosmicreas in the parking lot outside after the event. I love her for asking the incredible question that gave us a world-class #SassybutClassy Adam moment, and also for snapping this A+ covert photo documenting the referenced Tesla car that caused Adam so much stress about how to get in it correctly. (Joanne’s getting in before him.)

I also owe her my firstborn because she inadvertently GOT ME IN THE PHOTO WITH ADAM!! That shoulder in the pink tank top directly behind him? THAT’S ME. THAT’S ME AND ADAM. IN THE SAME PHOTO. DEEP BREATHING, OKAY. Now I can always prove that I really was that close to him! (He came by even closer when he walked down the sidewalk. No, a month later I still have not gotten over it even .00001% percent.) 

Admittedly, there have been brief moments where I berate myself like ‘ugh why didn’t you ask for a photo?!’ but A) I was frozen in awe for the 10 seconds he was in front of me (pretended to be on my phone so I wasn’t overtly staring, lol) and B) You can see in this photo that there were a bunch of people milling around. If I’d asked him to stop, he probably would have gotten stuck taking pics with lots of people. I did the right thing AND got to witness more wholesome Adam moments as he was leaving!

Once again, Rea I owe you a gift basket because I am SO glad I got to witness when you/your brother called ‘Bye!’ to Adam from your car and your dad called “Hi Kylo!” and ADAM RESPONDED, smiled and waved and said ‘Hi Thanks!’ back. IT WAS SO PURE I CRY AT THE MEMORY.

All in all, despite the fact that Adam didn’t actually talk that much on the panel, it was still a 100% Quality Event and I still think about it daily. :’) My Adam crush has morphed into an all-consuming real-life thing that I do my best to control but look, a girl can only do so much in the face of THIS. I AM ONLY HUMAN, ADAM.

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT 3X15 - Quiet Minds

What did the doctor diagnose Zelena with when she came complaining about knee pain?

Oz-teoperosis! XD

I wish I could get you to a doctor! I’m actually pretty sad to watch this episode and I’m sure you know why. So let’s get to it. Under the cut is where you want to be.

Press Release

Neal finds himself back in Storybrooke and yearns for a way to reconnect with his son Henry, whose memories of his father are gone, while also trying to find his own father, Rumplestiltskin, whom he has just learned is alive but missing, and Regina discovers a possible connection with Robin Hood. Meanwhile, in the Fairy Tale Land that was over the past year, agonizing over the death of his father, Neal - with the help of Belle and enchanted candelabra Lumiere - attempts to find a magical solution to bring back Rumplestiltskin from the dead.

Main Thoughts - Characters/Stories/Themes and Their Effectiveness

Past

I like how Belle and Neal’s past conversation is almost meta like in their discussion of the nature of Rumple’s sacrifice (Ex. Belle debates that Rumple saved everyone whereas Neal debates that he saved just his family). I like this discussion so much and wish that we had more Neal and Belle moments because these kind of discussions about Rumple’s morality are so interesting! Neal is much more critical of Rumple’s every act, be in kind in nature or not while Belle is more lenient, choosing to believe in him. I can’t help but wonder how these two would’ve worked together going forward had Neal not died. Would they have been able to get along because of those differences? Probably, but I could see the occasional fight break out between them. And it’s interesting to see how in the end, Neal is right. While undoubtedly the thing anyone would do -- save their child over the dagger -- it was selfish for everyone who now had to deal with the consequences of that decision. Rumple saved his family -- not the grander scheme of things. BUT that’s not framed as a terribly bad thing either, and rightfully so, as evidenced by neal calling it a “true sacrifice” during his death scene. It’s still legit.

I like how Neal’s lack of magical understanding -- one of his biggest character flaws -- is what gets him into this mess, as well as his impatience to get back to his family. I some ways, it reminds me of a reverse version of “The Crocodile.” There, Rumple’s need for vengeance, over-reliance on magic, and impatience costs his best chance at getting back to his family and the same happens here.

The dialogue between Zelena and Rumple has much more meat to it in hindsight than during the first go-around. There’s this whole other layer to the conversation that’s completely missed without the context that Rumple was Zelena’s tutor and taught her basically how to be evil and powerful!

Present

The story in the present section is definitely one of those “all come together moments” where the plot is more of the driving force than a story and it works fine enough here.

Because of that...well, let’s talk about Neal’s death, why don’t we?

I feel like when talking about Neal’s death, we have to do it in two parts: The first is how the death worked on its own (I.E. the staging, how it fits into the story of the episode, etc.). The second is how it worked as the death of a character (I.E. what this character’s death left people desiring, was it an appropriate death, why this death happened, last impressions of the character). I’m going to focus on the first part here and the second part over where I talk about the cultural elements of the show.

So within a vacuum, how was Neal’s death handled in the confines of this episode? Eh. Neal is so adamant about getting back to his family and making things right and just leaps at his death without looking for another option. I just can’t help but feel like Neal would be a bit more stubborn with that. He’s giving up his chance to be alive with him family. If this was the only way and alternatives were explored a bit more, that would’ve been one thing, but they’re not. Belle reads exactly one book and they don’t even try to consult Blue or Regina before going to this final resort. It’s not impossible to believe, but it is hard.

But that’s not all there is to a death. Some of it can come down to his goodbyes to other characters and Neal had the benefit of dying beside the two people he was closest to: Rumple and Emma. And while Henry is absent during the scene, and understandably so given the story, his absence of presence and memories creates an extra layer of underlying tragedy to this death that thankfully is brought up in the next episode. But let’s keep our focus on Emma and Rumple. Now, I like talking about shippy stuff at the bottom of my review and I will further elaborate on my points there, but to sum it up, it was honestly so beautiful and touched upon every point it needed to. I genuinely loved it. As for Rumple, it’s perfect. I love the sharp denial Rumple has for Neal’s passing, jumping between every stage of grief and being left so emotional as he finally passes. Every touch is so important and emphasized and I think the staging of Emma holding Neal so those touches would stick out more was a masterful choice.

Insights - Stream of Consciousness

-Zelena, I don’t recommend wearing that Wicked Witch cosplay while trying to blend in!

-”Beautiful one.” Not really selling me on adoring your monkeys when you sound like you’re about to butcher a puppy, Zelena!

-FUCK! Rumple can run! Does Storybrooke have a track team because if so, put him on that track team!

-Oh jeez. While funny (And I do believe that’s what they were going for, and it works), I am so glad Killian gave Belle a better apology later on in the series.

-”What the hell?” What the hell’s right! Lumiere is more than a touch creepy!

-Yay! We’re finally starting to really touch upon the Captain Beauty friendship!

-”I got you breakfast because I am supermom.” I love the way Emma says that line and sinks into that big armchair as she says it like, “Yeah, I’m a boss.”

-”That’s a bagel?” Emma, I am so proud of you for instilling such a good taste in bagels into your son. *Tear falls*

-In case there was ever a doubt to Henry being noble as all hell, he’d rather go back to SCHOOL than be lied to!

-Not gonna lie: Neal looks REALLY hot in that t-shirt!

-Watching Neal hear about how Henry not only doesn’t remember the bond they’ve formed, but how he does remember him as a jerk is so harsh and heartbreaking!

-I love how Zelena just concots this whole fucking story for Lumiere that is so typically Rumple! XD

-So I’m looking at the cover to the book that Belle’s reading about The Dark One and it says “IN A AKY ACAZ CA KAWO.” Does anyone know what this means?

-”Born out of -- well -- darkness.” More like vengeance, but sure, whatevs.

-Neal! Why did you blow Lumiere out?! And without a warning?! That was just rude!

-”Says more about them than it does about you.” I don’t know about that, Zelena. Your story was pretty convincing, tbh.

-For all of Zelena’s strengths as a villain, the woman is as subtle as a brick to the face! XD

-REGINA CAUGHT A FUCKING ARROW! WHAT A BADASS!

-Not to get into shippy stuff, but that’s 2 couples so far that have explored this farmhouse!

-JELLO! I still mourn for the jello scene that never canonically was, but fuck, I love this one!

-I love the shot of the clearing by The Dark One’s Vault! The snow and wintery atmosphere makes it so gorgeous!

-Once again, Robert Carlyle is creepy and awesome as hell for it!

-Seriously! Someone get Rumple on a track team!

-I can’t help but feel like it may have been a better idea for the candle to not be revealed as a villain until Belle discovers it. Like I get that he’s supposed to be redeemed, making this a double twist of sorts, but I wasn’t feeling it.

-”The Wicked Witch?” Belle’s tone to me implies that Belle has either seen or read “The Wizard of Oz.” Thoughts and HC’s?

-Like father, like son with that impatience!

-Neal, when things start to glow, we take our hands off of them!

-He loves pizza! I like how just like with the underlying softness between Robin and Regina, there’s that underlying memory of Henry and having pizza with his dad.

-The special effects team must’ve had a fucking FIELD DAY with that transformation in the woods! The actual hell?!

-I love how Lumiere calls his bit of goodness a flash of conscience because damnit -- that’s what it is!

-”I’ll be watching over you guys from somewhere.” Good HEAVENS! I have one HELL of a theory about the nature of the Underworld for Neal and Rumple. Remind me to tell you about it some time!

-”Let go.” NO! Rumple, save him!

-I feel bad laughing given that we just lost Neal, but WHY do the Charmings have two doors to their bathroom! Even the architects in Storybrooke are so fucking extra! XD

-”That was rather ill-timed.” Zelena, you fucking bitch!

-Okay, when Zelena stepped over Neal’s head, I was terrified she was gonna crush him.

-We get a nice bit of Golden Swan in this episode! Not only are they mutually grieving Neal’s loss as he dies and for a few moments afterwards, BUT we see how Rumple has faith that Emma will rally everyone to defeat Zelena!

-I’m not gonna lie: I’m kind of loving this Rumple whump. Having the dagger shoved quite literally in his face -- I don’t know how to describe it, but it does stuff to me, okay!

-I don’t know if Zelena makes him walk back to his cafe instead of poofing to torture him or if he voluntarily does that so he gets some time to himself to mourn, but either way is so sad!

-GOING FROM A FATHER MOURNING HIS SON TO A FATHER PLAYING WITH HIS SON IS NOT OKAY FOR MY PSYCHE, WRITERS! *Cries*

-That having been said, seeing Robin and Roland play together is fucking precious!

-Take that, people who say no one cares about Belle! Snow goes over there and checks on her! :D

-Oh sweet! The lake is back, which will henceforth be known as The Mirror Lake! Like seriously, the entire crew was having a fucking field day with this half season. These shots! These effects!

-THE TEARS ARE BACK AGAIN FOR THIS EMMA/HENRY TALK!

Arcs - How Are These Storylines Progressing?

The Wicked Witch - Once again, Zelena gets to show off how intimidating she truly is! In the present, she continues to manipulate everyone into thinking she’s a good person and even when she’s exposed, she still manages to kill Neal in the process. And in the past, her plan is straight up devious and so cleverly put together. Even as she’s now exposed, getting there only took four episode and didn’t lag too much at all. Also, there’s still so much to get into that there’s enough fresh ideas to keep the arc chugging along. Also also, I REALLY get how so many people wouldn’t want a redeemed Zelena after this moment. Hell, I don’t think I want it anymore either! Like, Zelena is fucking wicked and just as much as wicked always wins, seeing her laud Neal’s death -- a death that she cause -- over Rumple fucking hurts to watch!

Emma Accepting Home - I think that Neal’s death was an important thing to depict to show Emma the dangers of being in Storybrooke and to reinforce her desires to leave with Henry for a life in New York.

Favorite Dynamic

Neal and Killian. Look, we had a bunch of good dynamics here, but this was a sad episode and I need something lighthearted to fangirl over. This is about as good of closure as we were ever going to get between Neal and Killian and I utterly LOVED it. The jello Killian offers Neal is funny as all hell, I love their conversation concerning the nature of the good and evil deeds they’re doing and...THAT HUG! It’s sweet and and awkward and a little uncomfortable, but is also so earnest. And fuck me gently with a spoon, Neal calls Killian...well, Killian! There aren’t a lot of characters who do that and the implication of them doing so is that on some level, they get who he is, so to see Neal join those ranks is just beautiful.

Writer

Kalinda Vazquez is our writer today, and boy was she stuck with a difficult episode. Killing a major character is NEVER easy, especially such a big one. Until the the end of Season 5, this was a burden left solely on her shoulders alone (Unless you thought Rumple did die during “Coming Home,” I didn’t). And with that difficult situation, I think she made something very solid. Neal’s death, while not ideally set up in some ways, IS a tragic scene that allows for Neal to get a degree of closure with the three most important people in his life. I can talk about the rest of the episode, but that was where the writing needed to work, and thankfully, it did.

Culture

I feel like I should preface the discussion about Neal’s death as an overall factor on the series as a whole by talking about my original experiences with the character. I binged Seasons 2 and 3 a few months apart, so a lot of Neal’s time on the show passed for me in a blur. I didn’t hate him by any means, but he didn’t leave a big impression on me.

This rewatch changed things. I started to pay more attention to him as a character. That happened mostly I think because there’s always been such a controversy surrounding him and because I didn’t pay much attention to him last time in favor of some of the flashier characters, I wanted more than anything to form my own opinion on him. Much to my pleasure, that opinion was positive, and as I closed in on his death, I began to get sad at the thought of it -- so much so that I put off the start of this review basically all day.

Anyways, let’s talk about the larger factors of the death (I.E. what this character’s death left people desiring, was it an appropriate death, why this death happened, last impressions of the character). I talked about my last impressions of him, so we’ll get into everything else.

Now, I can’t speak for anyone else here, but I can speak for me when I say that I was left desiring a lot more development with Neal’s relationships with both Rumple and Henry. While I like the resolution Neal and Rumple got, i can’t help but feel like it had to zip dash to the finish line when Neal’s introduction back into the series implied that this was going to be a harder road. We only got a few episodes of them being at odds and while those moments were mostly great, they’re so little compared to all of the baggage they had. There’s no point where Neal sees the scale of what Rumple did cursing this land and reacting to it and he barely gets to spend time with Belle.

As for his time with Henry, yeah. I would’ve liked to see more of them. After Neal’s death, Henry carries so much grief over him throughout the other seasons, mentioning him at least once a season until we hit 7, but in terms of the time they spend together and how that time is spent, we come up really short. They play games and have pizza and that’s all well and good, but I feel like it would’ve been great had Neal occasionally given Henry some advice or left him with a phrase or something that would’ve equaled out to all the love that Henry has for him. Like, where Neal’s “with great power comes great responsibility” Uncle Ben moment? What we got was fine enough, but I would’ve liked to honestly have seen a bit more meat to it.

Was the death appropriate, or rather, was it warranted? Certainly more so than Robin’s (I’ll get to that one), but to tell you the truth, I’m not sure. I think that it opened up story possibilities that were taken good advantage of and Neal’s death was given the dignity he deserved, making the death more than just something done for shock, but as a story point that would follow Henry, Rumple, and Emma for a while. I think the broad strokes with Neal’s character were taken care of prior to the death and while I have my issues with it in regards to the finer details of some of his dynamics, Neal was pretty complete. That having been said, the issue of if a death needed to happen is a valid one and it opens a lot of points that, to be honest, I just don’t know if can delve as deeply into it as the topic deserves. There are so many factors that go into this conversation, up to and including the magical world of OUAT and the resurrections that take place afterwards. So my answer is a light yes, but there is so much room for nuance in this conversation that it’s nothing I’d give a ride-or-die answer to.

Now here comes the “fun” question: Why did Neal die? A lot of people attribute it to Captain Swan and bringing an end to the love triangle, and that is not a line of thinking I agree with. And I know, it makes sense that I’d say that as a CS shipper, but I beg you to follow my line of thinking here.

Neal was killed because of the choice to make Rumple a baddie again. When you look at Season 4, Rumple plays a gambit on everyone. If Neal were alive and in character, he would not have been able to do that without getting caught by someone other than Killian. I’ve mentioned before, but what makes Neal a great character and a great contrast to Belle is that while Belle is willing to often give him the benefit of the doubt, Neal isn’t. Neal would’ve been on Rumple’s ass the second he heard something shady and Rumple’s so shady, he makes the space underneath a pine tree look like the Sahara on a cloudless day. And look, that’s not Rumple’s fault, or even the writers necessarily, but I’m gonna say that they had some idea of what they wanted from Season 4 by this point and they understood that there had to be a trade off for Rumple’s development of an evil plan and his returned love for his power. And Neal, just as he was in this episode, was the price. I’m not happy about it -- I hope that’s something I’ve made clear -- but that’s my thought process.

Rating

9/10. Everything about this episode was going to come down to how well Neal’s death was handled. Fortunately, it was done well -- not flawlessly, but well. The story was solid and it delivers on giving the audience a level of closure for the character, closure that will continue for the rest of the season. Even the past segment offered something unique in that regard, making for a weird kind of love letter to Neal. It’s an episode that really does encompass his character and a send off that is divisive, but for me, more satisfying than not.

Flip My Ship - The Home of All Things “Shippy Goodness”

Swan Fire - You really see just how determined Neal and Emma are to get back together here and it works so much! Even Belle ships it, explicitly reasoning the safety of Emma’s necklace was a result of it originating from their “True Love.” No matter what you get from that line, I think the role that that necklace took on for both of them as well as its presence throughout the series shows how special Neal and Emma were to each other. Also, I love seeing Emma and Neal bonding over their evil significant others. Watching them laugh together in the forest just shows how in-tune they are with each other. Seeing Neal remorseful for how things with Walsh turned out is so sweet. Finally, let’s talk about Neal’s death. Neal’s attention to making sure Emma knows that she can find love and happiness is so important here. Neal cares so much about Emma and you see it as he shakily holds that necklace up to her, begging her to continue on her story. And seeing Emma barely able to hold herself together while watching Neal die guts me. The acting from both of these guys is amazing! And that hug as she cradles him to her chest choked me up and got some tears welling!

Rumbelle - “I love him -- all of him -- even the parts that belong to the darkness.” I really like this line and it leaves a lot to be discussed when it comes to the nature of Rumple and Belle’s love. It’s important not only to see as a point about the depths of Belle’s love for Rumple, but also as a point about that love’s limitations. As I said in my “Skin Deep” review last summer, Belle is one of the only characters who gets to show amusement at some of Rumple’s antics. But I like this line because it gels well with the breakup we see in Season 4, Belle likes the darkness, but has clear limits on what how much Rumple can let that darkness effect him. It makes Belle a good character with human-like limits, but showing that there is something attractive to even a good person about the darkness. ANYWAY, let’s just look at Rumple and Belle’s reactions to Rumple coming out of the vault. Belle’s got freakin’ tears welled up and Rumple’s first word is her name! It’s -- to quote a sexy narrator -- straight out of a telenovela!

Outlaw Queen - Once again, I like their banter a lot! I also like the gentleness that’s formed between them because of their adventures in the Enchanted Forest. While they don’t remember it, there’s an underlying feeling of trust that you can just tell is there and watching it is really fun. Like, they’re really cute and despite later seasons really taking me out of OQ, I do sincerely love their origins here. Also, I want to talk about this line: ”From where I’m standing the ‘Evil’ moniker seems to be something of an overstatement.” I know this line gets a bit of criticism, but I actually think it works. For me, part of what works about Outlaw Queen is that Robin, from his perspective, is a redeemed villain and he’s hanging with and will come to court a redeemed villain. From his current perspective, he sees her in her current more redeemed form and thinks that she’s on his level, but currently has no idea what he’s getting into. That’s what makes the Marian twist at the end of Season 3 so big and why I’m so annoyed that that nuance isn’t brought up later! ...Sorry I got a bit off topic back there. Finally, I love their chemistry! Sean and Lana have some sexy chemistry in 3B! I love the way Robin and Regina are basically flirting over drinks! It’s cute as all hell!

-----

Wow. That was… a lot. This episode left me with a lot to think about in terms of fictional deaths. Please don’t take anything I say here as ultra definitive because I promise you, I could see my mind being swayed by a good enough argument.

Anyways, thank you all for reading that and to the fine folks at @watchingfairytales! Love you all and see you all soon!

Season 3 Total (145/220)

Writer’s Scores: Adam and Eddy (39/60) Kalinda Vazquez (26/40) Andrew Chambliss (27/50) Jane Espenson (20/30) David Goodman (20/40) Robert Hull (30/40) Christine Boylan (20/20)* Daniel Thomsen (20/30)

* Indicates that their work for the season is complete

Links to the rest of my rewatch will no longer be provided. Tumblr now take posts with links outside of searches and I spend way too much time on these reviews to not give them that kind of exposure. Sorry for the inconvenience, but they still can be found on my page under Operation Rewatch.

[whateverisbeautiful]

Reveling in Richonne

119: The Commitment (8x13)

From the jump, I’ve been saying that Rick and Michonne are magnets cuz of the way they are always so drawn to each other and close to each other figuratively and literally. 

So, of course, seeing a moment where these magnets feels like there’s some space between them hurts cuz it’s just not the way they’re meant to be.

But what I love about Richonne is that they are never on the rocks even during rocky times. 😌

And this scene in 8x13, while tough, still provides some underlying hope and proof of the connection and commitment they always have with each other. 💯

So the episode starts with the group executing their defense against the Saviors. My favorite part of this whole fight is “part two” of it, cuz the whole time I was like where is Rick but then he came out and went Savage Rick on errybody. 👏🏽 Including almost Siddiq, which I’m glad he caught himself lol. 🙈

As they chase the Saviors away, Rick and Maggie talk and Maggie shares how she wanted all of them dead and Negan most of all, cuz Negan isn’t just some dictator to her, he’s literally her husband’s murderer. So it makes sense that she’s this hungry for his demise especially considering that her husband had the most graphic and brutal death on the show. 

(Side note: I miss Glenn so much. 😢 They really gave the character with the best heart the most brutal death.)

The next day there’s yet another scene of Daryl and Tara switching off on their feelings towards Dwight again. That whole arc between them really had me like...

So at this point we’re a few minutes into the episode and I was starting to be like alright where is Rick and Michonne cuz, at this point with TWD, when R&M aren’t featured that’s usually when I start asking myself...

 And fortunately they do get a personal moment between them this episode, even though it’s a tough one to witness. And not cuz it isn’t well acted (their scenes are always excellently acted), but it’s just cuz R&M feeling even remotely distant just feels so wrong cuz again, it’s so not the way it’s meant to be.

These two are magnets so when they feel separate it feels off and makes my heart break. 💔Like fr, at first seeing that TWD wanted me to watch them in this state had me like...

But because this is Richonne and they are legitimately soul mates, even this moment provides evidence to why they actually are going to be just fine and how they still very much love each other. ☺️

So Rick is in the kids room taking down the wood panels that cover the window. So far every time we’ve seen Rick since losing Carl he’s doing something to keep himself busy and active and I was like; Rick please for my sake I need you to take a break lol.

And then the wider shot shows that Michonne is standing in the doorway (and no lie, now that it’s been a few months, seeing the crib in this shot is low key restoring some of my Richonne baby fever).

Even from a distance you can tell that Michonne is concerned about Rick and is here cuz she knows that he needs some steadying.

So then she slowly walks in, which I didn’t interpret as being nervous to talk to her man or walking on egg shells, but more so like she just knows to be sensitive with him while he’s in this headspace. 👌🏽

Immediately this moment feels familiar because of how many scenes we’ve seen of Michonne walking in to be there for Rick when he’s feeling lost. This moment, however, has a difference because it’s the most difficult loss this time.

As she walks in, Rick does turn and look at her and lingers for a moment but then he turns away to continue distracting himself with the wood panels. 

And I’m definitely sympathetic to the whirl wind of emotion and pain Rick is feeling right now but I admit at first when I saw him seeming to push her away I was looking at Rick like...

Just a little lol. Cuz I understand what’s going on, I just so badly wanted Rick and Michonne to be there for each other right now, not just on one person’s end.

So then very gently Michonne says, “Saved you this turnip” which is adorable. ☺️ She’s legit his wife, y’all. 🙌🏾

Like part of why it was upsetting to see Rick not be there for Michonne is cuz she so clearly is always thinking of him. 

Like I just picture the fact that everyone was probably getting their food and having to ration it out and Michonne knows Rick isn’t there to get his so she makes it her responsibility to get him something, cuz she knows he needs sustenance and he’s not going to get it on his own while he’s being preoccupied with everything else.

Rick says, “Yeah. I’m okay.” and I’m glad he doesn’t say it in a rude dismissive way but more a deflective way, cuz if he had said it in some ungrateful way we woulda had problems lol. But Rick could never disrespect Michonne cuz he’s a real one. 💯😌

But this is how you know Rick is in a bad space tho, cuz you can see he’s trying to keep her at an emotional distance right now, which usually when they’re in the same vicinity they are so locked into each other and magnetically connected. And it looks like it takes some legit effort for him to go against that and sort of shut her out.

Again I was like; Rick the one thing you cannot do is shut her out. Of everyone, she’s the one that he needs to let in both for him and for her, who is in pain too because she opened her heart to Carl so much that he became her son and best friend so she’s in the same boat.

Michonne knows this is Rick moving to move away from it. And what’s sweet is that while Rick can’t look at her here, Michonne’s eyes stay on her man.

I think one of the reasons Rick can’t look at her seems to be because she reminds him of not just the hard times they went through together in losing Carl, but so much of the good times with Carl too. Michonne represents so much good and Rick is shutting out anything good cuz he’s pretty convinced he doesn’t deserve it.

Like I really think that’s what it boils down to; he knows he needs her, he knows he can let himself grieve and process with her and that she will love him through this, but he doesn’t think he deserves it so he’s pushing it away. 

There could even be a sense of guilt too, cuz he knows she’s in pain and yet he’s not being the shoulder for her to cry on the way he knows he needs to be. 

They are also both aware of how interconnected they are, so Rick knows if he looks at her and lets her in the way he should then that’s going to be the thing that breaks the shell he’s trying to stay in.

He knows she sees him on the deepest level and if he looks over and let’s himself really see her too then he won’t be able to help feeling his honest feelings, and he’s running from those right now.

But Michonne can look at him cuz I think she’s come to know that letting that shell or wall that we put up collapse will be scary but will be more healing and freeing than hiding behind it. 

And when he looks away she walks closer to him which I love. I’m telling you a lot of the significant stuff in this scene is found in the movement.👌🏽 Cuz he’s forcing himself to be caught up in the work but she’s focused on him and moving closer to him rather than accepting the distance.

She says his name, and the way she says it you can tell she wants to take down this wall and just really talk to him and let Rick just be real about where he’s at right now instead of this whole pretending to be fine. He’s not okay and they both know they know it.

And it becomes even more clear that Rick knows she knows, cuz he hears her say his name and then immediately starts talking about how Maggie turned off the generator and “the kids are gonna need air in this heat.” 

There’s a lot of weight to this line cuz it’s Rick trying to protect kids as he feels he wasn’t able to do that for his son. Its an attempt to communicate with her too but It’s also trying to change the subject cuz he doesn’t feel ready to discuss the deeper issue, and just in hearing the way she says his name he knows that’s where it could go.

Michonne watches him and then puts down the turnip and steps even closer to him. Cuz y’all magnets don’t never quit. 💯😋

I love that Rick has a woman who is this adamant to not give up on him ever. She told Rick she’s still with him in season 5 and every season she proves how true that statement is. 🙌🏾That’s one of the million reasons why she’s a character to look up to.

You can literally sense how much she wants to reach for him or connect with him but she also knows that he’s going to need his time. Like I said, the real Rick is buried under this jaded Rick and it’s going to be a process of getting real Rick back out.

Then more tentatively she asks “Can I take a look at that cut? I have some stuff to clean it.” And y’all, again, she is such a good wife. 👏🏽👏🏽

I feel like it’s totally fair to imply she specifically went and got stuff to clean it for him. The way she so longs to tend to him is so precious cuz it really is like she wants to help mend him and his broken heart all while having a broken heart of her own. 😭

I really wish we would have seen Michonne and Rick’s first interaction when he returned from his Negan exchange in 8x12, but it’s nice that we at least get insight to how clearly the main thing she cares about is that he got back safe and that he get healed up from the wound. 

Seeing her concerned for him and wanting to help also made me hope that this would help Rick see that leaving and wildin out like he did in 8x12 doesn’t just affect him, it affects her too.

The tone that she speaks to him is so loving here and I do hear a bit more hesitancy in this line because she’s seeing that he’s pushing away which usually never happens, but I love that she initiates anyway because nothing is going to make her stop fighting for her man on any level.

Rick says “Let me get this done first.” and the main thing I hear in this line is fear. He’s nervous to allow himself to be around the person who can help him be vulnerable. 

But notice he doesn’t say no or just completely shut down the offer. To me that shows that it’s still in him to give her and what she wants a chance.

So Michonne steps away deciding to let the subject go for now and I appreciate that she never over-pushes. She gets that right now Rick’s not ready to face everything and he’s set on finishing this task for the kids since he sees it as a way to be useful as a father. 

Michonne continues to look at him as she steps away, definitely sad that he’s right in front of her and yet he’s so far away. 

And even as she walks back she looks at him one more time sort of accepting that he’s not going to be able to fully connect with her right now and I hate seeing them like this, y’all. 😢 Like this really had me like...

But what I do love about this moment is that she’s not stepping back to walk out of the room or just to drop this moment completely. No Sis is going over to the other window to help her man with the goal he’s set on right now, which is taking off these panels for the kids. 👏🏽👏🏽

I love it for a lot of reasons and one of them is cuz one of the many things R&M have in common is always wanting to be useful. 

But I especially love it cuz this act of hers says; I’m not leaving you. I’m staying by your side and meeting you where you’re at. Like you don’t want to talk and that’s fine, but I’m going to help you one way or another.

This moment reminds me of 7x04, when Michonne decides to return to the room and talk things out with Rick rather than walk away. She never just walks out on him and it just illustrates how much Michonne loves this man.

And it’s even a nice little symbolic visual the fact that Michonne is able to remove the panels just with her hands where as Rick is taking the more aggressive approach with the axe. I feel like it speaks to the contrasting ways they’ve been dealing with everything.

And this moment also confirms what I said earlier which is that all versions of Rick love Michonne. Because even this Rick, that’s at his most distant from her, knows he needs to be real with her. 

Like I think seeing the way she compassionately meets him where he’s at really convicts him and reminds him that he’s got a special woman who genuinely cares about him and he knows he has to make some effort to connect with her.

So he finally stops working on the panels and he closes his eyes for a moment almost like trying to let real Rick have the reins again to open up with his woman the way it should be. 

And we see Michonne look over cuz she notices that he stopped and she stops too cuz I think she’s so ready to catch him if he’s breaking down. So even just in a silent moment she senses that there’s something happening with him right now. And I think what’s happening is Rick remembering who he’s with and why he has to let her in cuz anything else would go against who they are.

So then a bit more open this time he says “I saw him at the back of the convoy. That’s why I did it.” And, just like in the van in 8x10, Michonne faces him completely because Sis wants to be present with him so much.    

Rick takes a breath and says “I had to try. I had to.” Y’all, that’s real Rick trying to communicate with her. Like his inner world is chaotic and pulling him every direction right now, and yet there’s still a sense of him wanting to fight to be present with her, cuz he can’t not fight for her.

I appreciate that Rick gives more of an explanation to his actions, cuz he knows if anyone deserves to know why he’s doing this it’s Michonne. 

Like Michonne is his wife so her love and support is on a whole other level and so his openness with her is on an elevated level too. 👌🏽

Even if right now it’s just a baby step, this exchange between them is still so significant. Cuz they could’ve just let this be a moment that created a wedge. Michonne could’ve walked out of the room and Rick could’ve just let them work in silence when she decided to stay. But in both of them doing the opposite, it’s them making an effort to stay connected.

And when he says this, the scene ends with Michonne continuing to watch him and I’d say she knows this is him trying to extend some sense of connection.  

I know in real time this scene was unsettling cuz we’ve been blessed to see R&M be so united for so long. But that unity isn’t gone even in this moment, cuz their relationship and their love goes too deep to ever truly be broken.

Like what’s so powerful about Richonne is that things aren’t always perfect for sure and they have to carry the weight of the world sometimes, but they always choose each other. 🙌🏾

So I never felt like this moment was a breaking point for Richonne. And I especially rebuked the notion of them potentially splitting up after this scene. The mere thought of that had me legit like…

It’s of course super hard to see them this way, but in Michonne staying and helping and in Rick opening up despite his instinct to shut down, it reveals how Richonne is going to make it. 

Cuz even in the toughest of times they still don’t give up on each other or shut each other out completely.

Besides, staying apart too long is practically impossible cuz magnets. 😋

And y’all…this next episode makes that wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully clear. (lol if I said I was extra before…8x14 gon’ be a whole other level 😂) 

But before I get too ahead of myself lol, there’s still a bit more 8x13 to talk about in this post. Like how there’s later a scene where Rick is sitting alone outside of Hilltop and there’s this sad moment where he can hear Henry and Carol talking about how Henry would’ve died if he had went out there.

It’s painful seeing Rick be in this almost comatose state and also taking in this conversation cuz you know that probably everything around him makes him think about Carl. 

And then Siddiq approaches and he also offers to look at the cut and Rick somewhat reluctantly lets him. Which, y’all, I was a little salty that he was about to let Siddiq help with the cut when just earlier Michonne offered to do the same thing, but I think this just further proves how Rick knew spending time with Michonne would bring him out of this shut down state that he’s pretty convinced he has to stay in, so he’d rather let Siddiq do it. 

As Siddiq sits with him he tries to make a deeper connection with Rick and I was like Siddiq that’s sweet boo but there’s no way Rick is going to take this in at this point and time and sure enough, Homeboy gets up cuz he’s not trying to have any heart to hearts right now.

And then the next time R&M are together in 8x13 is the final scene where they stand over the graves after the whole walker debacle. 

And I love seeing them together even tho it’s also sad to seem them in so much grief and to know they have to be around so much loss during this time. 

The part that I wasn’t feeling tho is seeing Rick walk away. Cuz seeing him leave Michonne just is never the way. 

And I get he’s still at a point where he’s running from dealing, but I was still like...

Cuz if he can just stay with Michonne he’d get so much better. 💯

But sometimes it takes a longer process to fully embrace the healing, and in this next episode we finally get to see that embrace. Won’t He Do It! 🙌🏾😋

gif sources: michonnegrimes carlschandler alloutwar thewalkingdeadgifs

[artswaps]

have you seen the full season yet? thoughts? are you as mad about adam being killed off as I am?

My health has taken a downturn and I don’t really have energy to think too hard abt it all right now, especially with all the negativity on my dash dragging me down ugh ….. but I’m not really sure what I thought of the season myself. It was a mixed bag of confusing and vaguely anxious feelings, and some stunning moments that made me very happy.

I’m not upset about Adam. I did mostly enjoy the season (i think?? eh I gotta process it) but let me be a tiny but critical for 2 hot secs cos I have a billion thoughts in my head and I GOTTA get them out hserjdgthy. Under the cut:

First of all, the Adam thing?? To be honest, I don’t… really care. I understand why people are upset and that’s fine! But Adam was literally a character for like 10 seconds. He was never meant to be prominent, the only purpose he served was to offer some insight into Shiro’s character, and the weight of his decision to choose to go through with the Kerberos mission. 

Adam was never Shiro’s happy ending. Even if he’d survived, he and Shiro weren’t going to get back together, and he probably wouldn’t have become a significant part of his life again; the nature of their breakup just wouldn’t have allowed for that. Their relationship was a thing of the past, they’d moved on from one another and him surviving wouldn’t have changed that. He was important enough to Shiro at one point in his life that he was mourned for and remembered, but they were never going to just go back to how they were.

So, no, I’m not upset about it because Adam like…….. literally wasn’t even a character we were supposed to care about outside of his faded connection to Shiro. We don’t know a thing about him. I personally don’t even consider this much of a “bury your gays” trope moment because he wasn’t a prominent character and was never meant to be and literally only served as a device to let us get to know Shiro more. Adam himself was not the important part of the “Shiro isn’t straight” reveal. Shiro is. Idk if that makes sense but that’s how I see it. 

As for the rest of the season…… hmmmmmmmm a little critical (I promise this is at most one of two posts I’ll make complaining about the season cos overall I think I did still mostly like it)

I really need time to process it all…. I didn’t hate it! But I had a lot of issues with the season; things that just rubbed me the wrong way, especially in regards to Keith’s characterisation in one certain episode I’m not thinking about ggrrrrrr and some of his and Lance’s interactions. I guess I got my hopes up for more keith/lance friendship this season but it just didn’t deliver as much as I’d hoped? There were a few nice moments (Keith trusting Lance to lead the team, Lance calling Keith “the future” aaw that was so sweet) but otherwise they didn’t really seem to act like friends?? Maybe I was imagining it but... hm.  A lot of the barbs they threw felt totally unnecessary and tbh it felt like they fell back to their more bitter season 1-2 dynamic. (And it mostly came from Keith this season which was a weird and abrupt shift? What happened to him being glad that he and Lance were getting along??? I honestly can’t tell if his quip about “not wanting to spend eternity here with Lance” was meant to be a joke or not... it seemed harsh I guess compared to everyone else’s genuine compliments)

There were a lot of very strong moments and scenes, but I just… didn’t quite enjoy it as much as the other seasons?? I just wasn’t engaged? It kinda dragged a bit near the end. That two-part about the Holts during the time skip was………. so tedious, we already knew most of the stuff they kept repeating. Why not give the same kind of focus to the other time-skips and developments that could’ve benefited from it, where things were glossed over? 

Veronica was kickass though, I love her!! The new characters were pretty neat. The admiral’s death was… appropriately sombre and actually struck a chord with me, which was a nice surprise. I ended up liking her, in the end. She made a bad judgement call but she had a noble death. 

But hmmm Keith being back finally didn’t get the focus I was hoping for. They half-dragged some of the underlying issues between himself and the team into focus and then kinda just slapped a bandaid over it and never resolved anything? There were a few moments especially in that one episode adwshefrgtjrhytju where they made Keith come across as a lot more callous than he’s ever been before?? Ugh I have so many problems with that episode but I can’t tell if they’re genuine criticisms or me just… reading the characters wrong/ pushing my own unfounded expectations onto the ep. Him making such cruel comments about Allura’s father had me so shocked though... I’m glad he owned up to his words and apologised, he always knows when he’s in the wrong and tries to make amends, but the fact that he dropped that in the first place was?? not something i’d expect from keith.

I’ll definitely talk more about what I did love about the season soon, but uuuughghhgh it just… hmm… it felt off. It didn’t really feel like Vo/ltron. I guess the first 3 seasons really were my favourites, at least as far as pacing, tone and characterisation went, but there’s been such a shift since then that I doubt it’ll return to that. I certainly don’t think it was bad, I think there’s just a discrepancy between my own expectations and what I personally want from the show and what they’re actually delivering- still largely more action-based than character-driven and never quite delving deep enough into the relationships I really want to see explored. 

Hunk kicked ass though. Hunk dominated this season it was so refreshing and wonderful to see  

[bittersweetmelodie]

perspective

Fandom: RWBY Pairing: Blake Belladonna/Sun Wukong Summary: In which Blake and Sun don’t know the meaning of the word subtle, literally everybody knows what’s going on, and Blake is going to stab somebody.  Rating: T, for sexual implication. Skip the first blurb if it bothers you; the rest is safe, I promise!

A/N: I really wanted to do a take on other people’s thoughts on Blake and Sun’s relationship, and then it kind of ran away from me, as most of my stories tend to do. Also I was really hesitant to use Ilia in the last blurb, but I couldn’t think of any other significant character who would have had insight on Blake and Adam’s relationship, so I kind of got stuck; that last one is probably my least favourite of the five. 

I. Yang Xiao Long

Blake looked up from her book and eyed Yang suspiciously as she plopped down in the seat across from hers. Her apprehension had less to do with the fact that it was Yang – she was her teammate, after all – and more to do with the fact that they were in the library. And if there was one thing that she knew about Yang, it was that she hated the library – you had to be quiet (not something Yang was particularly good at doing), and being there usually involved some form of studying or reading.

She sighed and put her book down when Yang continued to stare at her without saying anything. “Did you need something, Yang?”

“Nope,” Yang said, casually shrugging her shoulders. She held up a plastic bag and slid it across the table towards Blake. “I got you something.”

Blake frowned at the smile on Yang’s face – it was one that she had seen quite often, usually when Yang up to something. More often than not, it was something destructive, something that would probably get them all in trouble. She pulled the bag towards her slowly, like one wrong move could make it explode, and cautiously peered inside. Of all the things that she had been expecting to be inside, this wasn’t it.

Her face reddened at the implications that Yang was trying to make and threw the bag back at her. “Yang, what the hell? I don’t want or need that!”

“You sure about that?” she asked, an amused smirk making its way onto her face. She caught the bag easily and pulled the box out of it.

“Put that thing away!” Blake snapped; she could feel the heat spreading from her cheeks down to her neck. She glanced around the library to make sure that nobody was watching or listening to the two of them, but the few people that were still there were either passed out from the exhaustion of school, or too busy cramming to notice Yang trying to embarrass her.

“I’m just saying, Blake. You and Sunny boy seem to be getting awfully close. We don’t want any accidents to happen because you guys were careless.” She waved the offending object in Blake’s face. “I’m just looking out for you.”

Blake scowled and smacked her hand away from her face. “Yang, I swear to dust.”

Yang shrugged indifferently and sat up in her seat. “I don’t want to wake up one day to find you throwing up in the washroom. I don’t know if you know this, but when a boy and a girl like each other –”

Blake’s ears flattened against her head and she let out a strangled shriek – this could not be happening. It had to be some sort of twisted nightmare, and she would wake up any minute now. “No. Please stop. I will do literally anything to make you stop talking.”

“Look,” Yang said, unperturbed by her reaction, “I never got the talk from my parents – my mother left before I could even talk, and my father’s way too awkward to talk to me about something like that. Not that I need it – I doubt Weiss has the capability to get me pregnant. But I’m sure that growing up in the White Fang, nobody really sat you down and gave you the talk either, so I’m taking it upon myself to have this conversation with you. You know, just to make sure you know how these things work.”

Blake planted her face onto the table and let out a soft groan. She knew Yang was only doing this to get a rise out of her (it was working), but she wasn’t wrong – nobody had ever sat her down and explicitly given her the talk, because her parents had left the White Fang before she had reached the age where they had to worry about it. But she wasn’t stupid – she’d read enough books to know where this conversation was going, and she didn’t need it.

“Me and Sun aren’t dating,” she mumbled into the table. “There is no need for you to have this talk with me now. Or ever.”

“Maybe not now, but I’ve seen the looks you two give each other – I swear, the sexual tension makes me want to lock you guys into a closet until you sort things out. I’ll be surprised if you haven’t jumped his bones by the time we leave for Atlas.”

When she’s sure that the redness in her cheeks had subsided, she lifted her head up. “Yang, I’m begging you. Please stop talking.”

“Objectively speaking, he’s a good-looking guy,” she continued, ignoring Blake’s words. “You must have a hell of a lot of self-control if you can ignore abs like that.”

This conversation made Blake want to hide away in her room and never come out – she didn’t want to discuss Sun’s abs, or any part of his body for that matter, or just Sun in general, with anybody. Especially with Yang. She covered her face with her hands and barely managed to conceal the scream that threatened to spill out. She wondered if Ruby and Weiss would mind much if she stabbed Yang with Gambol Shroud. But then, she would be down a partner and teammate, so maybe that wouldn’t be the best idea.

“And have you seen his staff?” she asked, completely oblivious to Blake’s inner turmoil. “Seriously, that thing is long, and if it’s any indication of the size of –”

This time, Blake didn’t bother muffling her scream – she would do just about anything to keep Yang from finishing that sentence. “Shut up, Yang!”

Yang watched her with an amused gleam in her eyes, knowing that she had succeeded in what she had come to do. “I’m serious! Haven’t you heard the rumours?”

At that point, Blake didn’t think her face could turn any redder without exploding into flames. “No! And I don’t think –”

“Ahem.”

Blake looked up, face still burning, to meet the angry glare of the librarian.

“Out,” the librarian snapped, pointing towards the exit. “Now.”

Blake didn’t need to be told twice. She gathered her books and bolted from the library as quickly as she could, partly because she wanted to get away from Yang, and partly because she wanted to find some place away from the prying eyes of other people (because she knew she wasn’t going to lose Yang that easily, and some privacy would be nice). Half the occupants in the library had probably heard her outburst, and were probably watching her as she ran. She was going to die of embarrassment.

Yang easily kept pace behind her, the plastic bag swinging innocuously at her side.

“Throw that damned thing away before somebody sees it,” Blake growled, gesturing violently at it.

Yang pouted. “I’m trying to be helpful, Blake. You’re going to need it eventually. Well, when one of you finally gets it together and asks the other out. Maybe you should just walk up to him and plant a wet one on him – if he still doesn’t get it after that, he’s a lost cause.”

Blake grabbed the bag and threw it into the nearest trash can with so much force that she’s surprised the bottom didn’t crack. She turned back to Yang and opened her mouth to yell some more, but a hand on her shoulder stopped her. She turned around and was met with Sun’s cheerful smile. ‘Oh, no,’ she thought, her cheeks burning with mortification. His appearance would only give Yang more fuel to add to the fire.

“What’s this I hear about you kissing somebody?” he asked teasingly, nudging her in the ribs with his elbow.

Blake wanted so badly to just sink into the ground and never resurface. The evil glint in Yang’s eyes made her wonder what on Remnant she had ever done to her to deserve this kind of torture. “Nothing,” she cut in hastily before Yang had a chance to say something to embarrass her further. She grabbed the back of Sun’s shirt and started pulling him away. “Let’s go get tea.”

“Looks like you’ll need them after all, Blake!” Yang called after them. “But don’t worry, I already gave Sun a box.”

The scream that followed afterwards could be heard all across Mistral.  

II. Adam Taurus

‘No. Not again. I won’t let him – not this time!’ Blake thought as she tore through the alleyways of Atlas, searching for any signs of Sun or Adam. She clutched the hilt of Gambol Shroud so tightly that her knuckles turned white. A flash of red and the familiar sight of Sun’s gunchucks sent her skidding to a halt.

“Sun!” she screamed before she could stop herself. “No!” She desperately threw herself between Adam and Sun, and raised her weapon to block Adam’s attack, but the sheer force of it sent her tumbling backwards, right into Sun.

He curled himself around her as they both went flying into through the window of a nearby building, taking the brunt of the damage. He landed roughly on his back and lost his grip on Ruyi Bang and Jingu Bang, sending the staff flying across the room. He grunted in pain when she landed on top of him.

She scrambled off him to kneel down next to him. She gave him a quick onceover, taking inventory of his injuries. She took solace in the fact that there seemed to be no life-threatening wounds on his person. She exhaled quietly as he sat up – he was fine. She ran her hand over the scar that ran along the length his arm, wiping some of the blood away.

“Are you okay?” he asked as he glanced at the bruises lining her abdomen. He gently touched the rip in her shirt.

“Sun,” she breathed, momentarily forgetting about Adam. She shook her head and gave a watery laugh – leave it to Sun to worry about her when she was the one who landed on top of him. She stood up. “I should be asking you that.”

He grabbed the hand she offered and let her pull him up. “I’m fine –”

“I always thought you were smarter than this, Blake,” Adam said, cutting him off. His laugh, so cold and sinister that it chilled her to the bones, cut through the air.

It worried her, because she knew why he was laughing – she had just given him exactly what he wanted. The last time he had seen Sun, Adam had called him her classmate, and she’d been content to let him think that, because classmate was a far cry from something she loved, and she thought that, somehow, it would keep Adam from going after Sun. She should have known that it was a naïve thought – Adam had always been good at reading her, and her feelings for Sun weren’t an exception.

He had probably known all along that Sun was much more than a teammate to her. But he had wanted some kind of admission from her – proof that he meant something to her – because it would hurt all the more when followed through on his threat. And her scream, desperate and frantic, even to her own ears, and the sheer relief in her voice as his name fell from her lips – that had been enough; she hadn’t said it in as many words, but her reaction had told him everything he needed to know.

‘Actions speak louder than words,’ she thought regretfully. It had been something Adam had taught her a long ago, an excuse he had has used when he had started turning the White Fang into the violent extremists that they were today. She didn’t have to tell him that she might love Sun – her actions were proof enough of that, and she might as well have painted a target on Sun’s back.  

“I thought you would have learned your lesson the last time, my dear,” he said, his voice eerily calm, his sword drawn, and his rifle pointed straight at Sun’s chest.  

Blake froze, because his words still haunted her nightmares, keeping her up for nights on end. He never was one to make a threat he didn’t intend to follow through on. There were still nights where she woke up from those nightmares with the desire to run, because she knew – no matter what they said – that if Adam hurt them, it would be her fault. There were nights where the panic was so bad that she practically tore down the hotel room doors to make sure that her friends were still alive; she’d woken them up time and again in the middle of the night, and none of them ever complained.

But right now, as she stared Adam down, she knew that couldn’t let that fear control her. Not when her friends were depending on her. Not when there were so many people at risk. She squared her shoulders and lifted her chin in defiance. “I’m done running, Adam,” she said, her voice fierce and determined. “I’m still scared – I’ll probably be scared long after you’ve been put away for good. Your words will probably haunt me long after our battles are done, but I will never let that fear keep me away from my friends again. This is my life, and I won’t give you the satisfaction of seeing it fall apart because of you. You can threaten everybody that I care about, you can try and destroy everything I love, but I’ll be right here, fighting you every step of the way.” She raised Gambol Shroud and glanced back towards Sun.

He gave her a nod, and she knew what he was trying to say. I’ll always have your back. And she’s grateful – so, so grateful – that he’s here, despite the risks that he knew he would have to take.

She opened her mouth to tell Sun to be careful, but Adam didn’t give her the chance as he charged at her. His sword crashed against hers with so much force that she was sent skidding backwards, and she was forced to dig her heels into the ground to keep herself from being knocked back again.

“Imagine what his blood will look like on my sword.” His voice was quiet and calm despite the harshness of the words coming out of his mouth. “Imagine the pain and fear in his eyes as he bleeds to death, and you can do nothing but watch as his life fades.”

Blake faltered, and she barely managed to bring Gambol Shroud up in time to block Adam a second time. She stood, rooted to the spot, because she could imagine the red of Sun’s blood glistening on the red of Adam’s sword. She didn’t need to imagine Sun bleeding out in front of her, because she had seen it happen. And then she’d seen it night after night as she relived the moment over and over again in her dreams.

“You might not be running now, Blake, but when you see him –” he jerked his chin towards Sun, who had gone to retrieve his weapon – “lying in a pool of his own blood, you will be. You’ll run because it’ll your fault that he’s dead, just like it was your fault that your friend lost her arm. And you should run, because I won’t stop until –”

She pushed back, just hard enough to send him back a couple feet and leveled her sword at him. She looked at him, her gaze steady and unrelenting. “I know,” she said quietly. “I know you won’t, but neither will I.”

Before he had a chance to respond, he was sent flying back by the full force of Sun’s weapons. “Leave her alone.” He leapt back and fell into place next to her, followed by the rest of her teammates, and Ilia.

Adam snarled – he knew he wouldn’t be able to take all of them on at once. He slowly backed away towards the window, his eyes never leaving the group.

Blake watched him until he jumped out the window and out of sight before she let Gambol Shroud clatter to the ground and she ran over to Sun. “I told you not to run off on your own!” she scolded. “He’s dangerous – he’ll kill you if you’re not careful! Don’t you have any sense of self-preservation?”  

He winced at her angry tone. “Sorry, Blake, I couldn’t just let him get away.”

“You stupid idiot,” she sighed. She leaned over and pulled him into a hug, her heart still pounding from Adam’s threat. She forced herself to swallow the sob that was threatening to bubble over and buried her face into Sun’s shoulder. “Don’t do that again,” she mumbled, her voice muffled by his shirt.

“Okay,” he said quietly as he smoothed her hair down. “Okay. I won’t.”  

She was still gripped by the fear that Adam would keep hunting him – and she would probably feel that way until they put him away for good – but for now, she took comfort in the warmth of Sun’s embrace.

III. Neptune Vasilias

“Hey, Blake,” Neptune said as he jogged up to her and grabbed her sleeve.

The tone of his voice – guarded and apprehensive – put her a little on edge. “Is something wrong, Neptune?”

“I need to talk to you about something – about Sun.”

She groaned. How many more times would she have to listen to other people talk about her feelings for Sun before she finally snapped? “Go bother Yang about Weiss instead,” she grumbled. “I’m sure she’d be more than happy to share the details of their relationship with you.”

He held his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “I’m not here to tease you about your relationship, Blake. Or should I say your lack thereof? Because you guys really are taking your sweet time with that.”

“Neptune,” she said impatiently.

“Okay, okay,” he said as he noted the annoyed expression on her face. “I’m really not here to talk to you about that. Look, before I say what I came here to say, remember that I like you, Blake. All of Team SSSN does – you’re like a sister to us. Although I’m sure the only member of Team SSSN whose opinion you really care for is Sun’s.

“And I’m only saying this because I know he’ll never have the heart to do it himself. Sun likes you a lot, Blake. Probably more than he cares to admit to any of us. He didn’t take it well when you abandoned everybody after the fall of Beacon. I’m not saying it was wrong of you to do it – I don’t know why you left or why you came back, but Sun spent a lot of time looking for you because he didn’t think you should be alone. He cares about you a lot. More than he’s cared for anybody or anything before. And I don’t want to see him get hurt again.”

“I’m not going anywhere this time,” she said quietly.

“That’s probably true,” he acknowledged. “But I’m sure you can understand my apprehension after what happened last time. The fight isn’t over, Blake, and I’m sure Yang isn’t going to be the last of your friends to get hurt. You can’t decide that you’re going to run away every time somebody is injured.”

She seized with terror – this was what she’d been afraid of. This was what she had feared when she had come back, when she had faced her friends – that they would shun her, that they wouldn’t forgive her for running away and that, if they did, their friendship would be fraught with the fear that she would run again at any given moment. Sun had assured her over and over again that it would be fine, that her team would never abandon her like that, but it had never occurred to either of them that Team SSSN might.

“Don’t get me wrong, Blake. I’m not mad at you,” he added hastily when he saw the terrified expression on her face. “I’ll never really understand what you’ve been through, and I’m sure you had your reasons for leaving, but Sun is more important to us than anything else in the world. I’m sure you understand – after all, he’s probably one of the most important people to you too.” He made it sound like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and it made her wonder if she was really that transparent.

“My point is, I don’t want to see Sun get hurt again. None of us do. So just – please don’t hurt him. I think I speak for all of Team SSSN when I ask you not to hurt him again. He’s not fragile by any means – he can’t be, not after all that he’s been through.”

Blake didn’t know what he meant by that – a stark reminder of how little she actually knew about Sun’s past.

“But if you left him again, I’m not sure it wouldn’t break him,” he continued. “You – you didn’t see how upset he was, Blake. He watched you take off – he wanted to follow you, but people were dying. By the time everybody had been transported to the hospital, you were long gone. We searched for you for hours – there was four of us and one of you; how hard could it be? It turned out you’re really good at running away, because we couldn’t find any trace of you. Sun nearly fell apart with fear – he had no idea where you were going, or if you would be safe. I think that scared him the most – not that you could run away and leave everything behind so easily, but the fact that you could get hurt.”

She stared guiltily at her feet – she hadn’t thought about how her leaving would affect her friends; all she had cared about then was getting as far away as possible from them so that if Adam came back for her, at least she could be content with the fact that they were safe. At the time, it had been all that mattered – that they were alive somewhere, safe from Adam, other consequences be damned.  

“He’s lost a lot of important people in his life, and he’s somehow managed to get past that and still keep his sunny disposition, but losing you – well, that might just push him over the edge. So try to keep that in mind.

“I won’t threaten you, because quite frankly, you kind of scare me. But more importantly, Sun would be upset if I tried to hurt you. It’s not that he doesn’t care what you do, and he might not always be happy with all the choices you make, but the only thing that matters to him is that you’re happy and safe.”

She knew he was right about that – whatever she chose to do, Sun would support her. If she wanted to be with somebody else, he wouldn’t hesitate to let her go; if she showed even the slightest hint that she would be happier without him, he would leave. He would always put her first, regardless of how it made him feel.

“I know,” she said, clasping her hands together. “I – I don’t know what I did to deserve that.”

“It’s not about deserving something – that’s not how love works. He chose you – there probably isn’t a single reason why, and there doesn’t have to be. I’m sure if you asked him, he could list ten reasons off the top of his head, but there doesn’t always need to be a one. Sun sees the best in everybody, and you aren’t a bad person, Blake – I’m sure Sun tells you that all the time. You’re just a little rough around the edges, and that’s fine. It’s who you are. I didn’t come to give you a lecture on who you should be – I just want you to think about who you’d be hurting if you ever think about leaving again. And just remember, Sun isn’t the only one worries about you – we all do.”  

She let out a breath. “I know, and I am sorry,” she said remorsefully. “I thought – I thought I was protecting you guys by leaving. But I’m not going anywhere this time – I can promise you that.”

“Good, because I think our team would fall apart if Sun had to leave to haul you back again.” He smiled at her to let her know that he was only kidding.

“Thanks, Neptune,” she said, returning his smile with one of her own.

IV. Kali Belladonna

“So, when should I expect grandchildren, Blake? You’re not getting any younger.”

Blake sputtered and nearly choked on the tea she was drinking. “Mom!”

Kali calmly sipped her cup of tea as she regarded her daughter. “Or at least a wedding invitation?”

“Mom!” she exclaimed again. “Sun and I aren’t dating, and nobody is getting married!”

Kali hummed quietly. “I never said anything about Sun though,” she said smugly.

Blake opened her mouth, but closed it again when she couldn’t find of a proper response to her mother’s words, because she was right – she hadn’t mentioned Sun’s name.

She placed her cup onto the coffee table and turned to Blake with a knowing look in her eyes. “That boy is clearly in love with you, dear – he looks at you like you’re the only thing in the world that matters.” She gently placed her hand on Blake’s face. “And why wouldn’t he? You’ve grown up to be a lovely, wonderful woman, and anybody would be lucky to have you. I know you’re still fighting with that part of your past, but you do deserve to be happy, Blake. And I can tell that he makes you happy.”

She smiled softly at the surprised look on Blake’s face. “You might not wear your heart on your sleeve the way he does and you’re certainly not as obvious about it as he is, but I think it’s pretty clear that you love him. Maybe not as a lover, but the way you nearly tore the house down that night, the way you stayed at his side and held his hand until he woke up – you might not even know what your feelings mean yet, but you must care for him a great deal.”

She flushed. She had always been good at hiding her emotions behind a wall of indifference – it was something she had learned during her time in the White Fang, because she couldn’t afford to let her emotions overcome her while she was on the battlefield. Letting that happen could be fatal. But it was becoming apparent that no matter how hard she tried, she was absolutely terrible at hiding her feelings for Sun.

“He cares about you a lot. I think he’s good for you,” Kali said.

“I don’t think dad would agree with you on that,” Blake mumbled.

“Well, he certainly didn’t make the best first impression on your father,” Kali agreed.

“No, he really didn’t,” she said, her lips curling in distaste as she recalled Sun’s nervous ramblings.

“I don’t blame him.” Kali nudged her teasingly in the ribs. “Everybody gets nervous when they meet their in-laws – I think I’d be more concerned if he wasn’t nervous.”

Blake let out a defeated sigh; she couldn’t decide what was worse – her mother trying to interfere with her love life, or her best friend trying to get her to jump into bed with Sun.

“But first impressions are first impressions,” Kali continued. “And I think Sun has done more than enough to show your father that he’s not just some stupid boy with a big mouth. He might not show it, but I think your father actually likes Sun, despite his initial misgivings about him.”

Blake shook her head and gave her a look of disbelief, because she thought that her father had made his feelings about Sun pretty clear.

”Sweetheart, your father has nothing against Sun specifically. It doesn’t matter who it is, he’s never going to be completely happy with whoever you bring home. You’re always going to be his baby girl, Blake, and no boy or girl is ever going to be good enough for you.” She placed a gentle hand on Blake’s shoulder. “You’re just growing up so fast and he misses his little girl. But he’s going to have to let you go eventually. I do want grandchildren one day, after all. You’re both very good-looking – can you just imagine how cute your children will be?”

“Grandchildren?” Blake cried. “Mom, I think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself!”

“Do you think his Faunus traits are stronger or yours?” she asked, ignoring Blake’s outburst. “You were supposed to have a brother or a sister, you know, but your father and I never quite managed to do that, and I’ve always wanted another cat baby to play with.”

“Mom!” She covered her burning face with her hands. She was starting to think her mother was worse than Yang.

“And have you thought about what kind of wedding you would want to have? Because I have some ideas. Yang’s your best friend, right? She would probably be your maid of honour. You should have it here in Menagerie – it’s beautiful in the fall.”

“Sun and I aren’t getting married!” Blake grumbled, her voice muffled by her hands.  

“I’m just kidding, Blake. But maybe one day, you’ll consider it,” Kali said, winking at her. “And if you ever do get married, he’ll be my Sun-in-law.”

Blake slammed her head against the coffee table as her mother laughed.

V. Ilia Amitola

“So, you and Sun, huh?”

Blake groaned in annoyance. “Please, not you too.”

“What?” Ilia asked. She leaned against the kitchen counter and watched Blake out of the corner of her eye.

“Nothing,” she sighed. It wouldn’t be fair of her to take out her exasperation on Ilia. “Nothing. Just – can we not talk about Sun?”

She frowned. “Why not?”

“Because everybody seems to have something to say about our relationship. As if they know better than us how we feel,” she huffed.

Ilia shrugged. “I mean, you two are pretty oblivious.”

“Did Yang put you up to this?” she grumbled. Ilia and Yang had become fast friends since they had all arrived in Mistral, and that had only meant more embarrassment for Blake. “Because she’s already humiliated me enough as it is.”  

“Oh, she told me about that,” Ilia said as she tried to hold back her laughter. “That might have been my fault.”

“What?!”

“I may have asked her when you started sleeping with Sun.”

“Ilia!” she exclaimed, her face colouring with mortification. She pinched the bridge of her nose – Yang and Ilia were going to be the death of her.

“Sorry! I just – I thought he was your boyfriend. Or that you guys were at least dating.”

“No, no. We are definitely not dating.” Blake buried her face in her hands.

“But you could be – I think he would be good for you.”  

“And now you sound like my mom,” she mumbled.

Ilia grinned at her, but her smile faltered. “It’s just… I never saw what you saw in Adam. I always hated patching you up after your fights – you were always so hurt. More hurt than you should have been after a simple sparring match. And I – I didn’t know what to do.”

Blake fell silent, because looking back now, she couldn’t see it either. “It wasn’t always like that,” she said quietly. It hadn’t always been like that – he hadn’t always been so aggressive with her. There had never been an exact moment when things had changed, no specific point in time where she could definitively say ‘yes, that was when he became a monster’. It had been a gradual process, one that was so slow that she didn’t see it happening until suddenly everything was different. And by then, she had gotten so used to having Adam by her side that any other option had seemed unfathomable to her.

“I can’t – won’t – justify his actions. I can see it now that he was wrong, but back then? Back then, I was young, and stupid, and naïve. And he was all I knew. I was so blinded by my feelings that I couldn’t see that he was changing until it was too late.”

“Adam never was good enough for you,” Ilia said. She didn’t sound bitter, just resigned.

“Ilia, I – I am sorry. I wish… I wish I could have given you a chance.” If she hadn’t been so wrapped up in her feelings for Adam, if she had known about Ilia’s feelings for her, would things have turned out differently?

She put a hand on Blake’s shoulder and gave her a small, reassuring smile. “Don’t be sorry – you should never apologize for loving somebody. At least, this time, you chose somebody who actually loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Sun is the complete opposite of Adam, and I really do think he’s good for you, Blake.”

“Maybe that’s why I like him – because he’s nothing like Adam.”

“And he likes you, so what’s keeping you from being with him?” Ilia raised a questioning eyebrow. She never understood why people were so hesitant to do something about their feelings, and she especially didn’t understand why Blake didn’t. After everything they had all been through, after Sun had almost died – why was she still hesitating when she knew that everything could slip right through her fingers at any given moment?

“I – I don’t know,” Blake said, her hands trembling.

“You’re scared,” Ilia said as realization dawned on her. “You’re scared, and I don’t blame you; the last time you loved somebody, they broke your trust, and you probably never want to put yourself in a position where somebody has that much power over you again.”

“I am scared – I’m terrified. But not for the reason you’re thinking. When I was with Adam, I probably would have done anything for him, and I – I didn’t realize I had started changing into something I didn’t recognize. What if I twist him into something dark?” She looked down at her hands and curled them into fists. “How – how can I hold him with the same hands that I used to kill people? How can I – how do I hold something so pure and bright without shattering it?”

“So you’re not scared of him breaking your trust – you’re scared of breaking his,” Ilia summed up.

“I guess,” Blake said hesitantly. “I guess I’m worried, because Sun has a lot of unwavering faith, and that kind of faith is dangerous. It’s the same kind of trust I had in Adam, and look where it got me.”

“Is he worth it?” she asked.

“What?”  

“Sun – is he worth it? Is he worth the risk? Do you love him enough to be with him despite your fears? Because I think it’s pretty obvious that he loves you enough not to care about what you think you’re capable of doing.”

Blake opened her mouth and then closed it, unsure of how to answer.  

“I’ve seen you fall in love before, Blake,” she said gently, “and I’ve seen what you were like when is you were with Adam. You always seemed different with him – more violent, more aggressive – like you had something you needed to prove to him. You never had much reason to smile when we were in the White Fang – there was always so much death and destruction – but even when you were with Adam, you never seemed quite happy. But this is different – you’re different when you’re with Sun. You seem lighter somehow – happier. And Sun – I think he brings out a softer side in you, one that I never saw when you were with Adam.

“You’re not the same person you were back then, and Sun isn’t Adam. I don’t think you realize it, but you smile more easily when you’re with him. You’re gentler, less violent. And I doubt that boy has a mean bone in his body. I don’t think he knows how to hold grudges, to be honest. I tried to kill him, and he forgave me. So if you’re worried about breaking him, don’t be. I don’t think you’re capable of doing something like that, and I don’t think Sun’s capable of becoming a monster the way Adam did.”

“I know,” Blake said. “I know that – I’ve told myself that over and over again.”

“You don’t have to get over your fears overnight, Blake. But you should tell him – he might wait forever for you, but he deserves to know that you at least love him back.”

“I know,” she repeated, giving her a weak smile. “I – I will. Thanks, Ilia.”  

A/N: I tried to make this crap fluffy – I really, really did!! But obviously I’m complete shit at it, because like 2/5 of these did a complete 180 on me. I’m so sorry I don’t know how to write something lighthearted; I must be dead inside or something. 

[lizacstuff]

Asks

Under the cut you’ll find a sampling of the asks I’ve gotten since yesterday. If you are upset about cancellation or love Lana, I’d advise you to skip. 

Anonymous said:

Hi Liza - sorry if this is a dumb question, but I don’t quite understand how pilot season works. Can actors that are still working on OUAT (e.g. Colin) audition for and act in this year’s pilots? How would the timing on that work? I remember Jen saying she was only able to do the OUAT pilot b/c the HIMYM producers flipped things around for her. I’m hoping Colin can get into this round of pilots, but afraid he might have to wait until next year…

Not at all a dumb question, and I’m certainly not an expert, but I think timing is the issue.  Since he will not be under contract next year, he technically can audition and throw his hat into the ring. However, actually getting time off to audition and more importantly shoot a pilot, if it shoots prior to April, would require his current job being flexible and giving him time off.  Just as HIMYM did with JMo and is why she is always talking about them in such glowing terms. The same goes for the entire cast.  Obviously, the show can’t make allowances in the shooting schedule for everyone, we’ll have to see what happens.  Right now Colin is still under contract and his first duty is to the show. 

Anonymous said:

omg apparently colin liked everyones goodbye post (even the problematic eb) except lp’s post lmao

I’m guessing that is an over sight, Colin doesn’t strike me as someone who thinks that hard about what he likes on social media. 

Anonymous said:

I think you are right about Colin, that he would leave after this season no mether what. He does not seem sad, his answers on twiiter was preety cheerful all day

It’s true, he has seemed very cheery. However, Colin also doesn’t strike me as someone who overly expresses himself on social media. He seems to present as upbeat and happy no matter what. (I did notice that his post was just about the only one that didn’t effusively thank A&E.) 

Anonymous said:

Hey, I’m seeing so many posts from not only the mains but also recurring/guest stars talking about how grateful they were for OUAT. This is the first time since I’ve gotten into fandom that a show I follow has been cancelled and I’m curious if that’s common, especially for guests? I’ll say this much, I’ve been so upset and bitter about this show for the last several months that seeing all the love for it has reminded me how good it once was and how blessed we were with CS and a lot of the cast.

I assume it depends on the show and the circumstances surrounding cancellation.  Most of the shows that I’ve been super invested in that then came to an end late in the run, were before social media made it easy for the actors to respond directly to fans.  This show is probably special because of the large online fan base, the huge number of guest actors that have come and gone and the generally happy experiences they all seem to have had on set.  

I agree that we were very lucky with Colin and Jen and the original cast.  What a ride!

Anonymous said:

Am I alone in thinking it odd that Lana has yet to post anything about the cancellation? Even EdR, JMo, and Robbie Kay have made comments about it being grateful for their time on the show and none of them are in it anymore.

She was pretty much the first one to post, check her Instagram.

Anonymous said:

I’m kind of at peace with the whole news today. I did get a good laugh out of a tweet I saw that said at least Lana will have a lot of time for cons now. I wasn’t sure if it was an ironic tweet or not.

Ha! I think the only way to tell if it was serious or not is to see if it was posted by a Regal.  Her fans don’t have any sort of sense of humor about her, so if it’s one of them, they are 100% dead serious and think meeting with them at cons is a soaring career path.

Anonymous said:

I think you hit the nail on the head in saying youre relieved. That was my feeling too. I didnt watch S7 past 7.02 and feel such joy over the way CS got sent out. From my observations, nothing in S7 has tainted that happy end and has made rewatching S1-6 that much more special. And its great to know they wont have time to give WHook a love interest. I hope A&E will take this opportunity to wrap the show up well, whether that involves the old characters, new characters, or both. I still love OUAT

Yes, I’m with you. I hope they wrap up the show well and give Henry an appropriate happy beginning. My followers know that Henry is not my favorite character, but I would hate it if S7 did not give a character who is so important to Emma (and Killian) an appropriate send off into the future with a chance at happiness.  

Anonymous said:

And here we go again l***’s fans are tagging popular show to get her roles. It’s like the ellen show all over again.

Oh that is hilarious.  It didn’t work trying to get her on a talk show, do they really think that casting directors are going to put her in a high-profile role on the recommendation from evilboobs38 on twitter?

Anonymous said:

I think we are about to hit the pilot season. How’s ****’s resume looking atm?

Well the last seven years will have but one line item. We’ll have to see how she does, I begrudge her no success, but will believe she’s destined to be the next Meryl Streep (as the manipulative shit-stirring troll claims) when I see it.

Anonymous said:

Waiting for their “inside sources” on what’s redacted’s next project would be lol

I don’t know, something about her last vacation has me thinking she might next star in a fitness video with her personal trainer/travel companion…

Anonymous said:

Did you read what the weasel eddy said that fans didn’t have to watch the season in his interview of the show being cancelled. I’ve literally never saw writers be so dismissive with their fans. Ugh wth is wrong with them.

 And

@bravebuttercups said:

Did you see the interview with E&A about Once ending after season 7? There were some particularly bitter/underhanded moments…but I’ve come to expect no less from them.

There were some decidedly questionable responses. However, I think most of them were from Eddy. Adam seemed able to control himself and was pretty diplomatic and gracious, it’s Eddy (it’s always Eddy) he can’t help but let his butthurt show. I think Eddy doesn’t know how to react to that sort of question, so he just dives directly into defensive mode and goes to the petty Emma Booth place of “don’t like it, don’t watch!”  I suppose he can do that, since the show is cancelled, he can be petulant with fans without fears of network reprisals.

Anonymous said:

Well, the Lana stans weren’t wrong. Lana did carry the show on her back. All the way to cancellation.

Oh man. Like I said earlier, this cancellation is bittersweet because it feels like the end of an era, but I will never get tired of Lana jokes.  Can I also add that I LOVED that TVLine used a solo photo of her in character on their cancellation story.  Fitting.  She’s the face of this season’s failure.

 Anonymous said:

It’s bittersweet for me. I’ll always love and be grateful for S1-6, and S7 as an extra, if I’m feeling happy, but this show needed to die before it got ruined further.

Yes, that’s how I feel as well.  I’m relieved that it looks like Captain Swan will escape unscathed (knock on wood) but I’m also feeling very nostalgic.  I had some really good times watching this show and getting excited for spoilers and fangurling. It was the best.   

Anonymous said:

Is it bad that I’m thinking that now Once is ending, we might finally get some talk and insight about any bts drama?

You never know, someone might eventually spill some juicy gossip.  However, I kind of doubt it.  People like JMo, Colin, Josh and Ginny have too much class. Also some of the juiciest gossip is already out there, you just have to know where to look. (Google Emilie DeRavin and Tom Ellis)  

Anonymous said:

Hey Liza, do you think they knew they were getting cancelled when they did the hot seat interview? Still trying to figure out if those bitter answers we got about anything Hook related were because of Colin, or if now maybe they were just bitter in general.

No, I don’t think they had official word of cancellation when they did that interview. Just my opinion.

 Anonymous said:

I totally think Ginny and Josh will return, whether it be present day, flashback, vision, etc - I just have a feeling they will make an appearance. They’re actually closer to A&E than any of the other cast members and I find it hard to believe that they won’t be worked into this season.

I guess we’ll see.  Eddy’s comment in Variety about not wanting to ruin any of the happy endings they’ve already delivered made me think we wouldn’t see Snowing or Captain Swan.  

To be honest, I prefer they don’t return.  I don’t want anything to have even a whiff of ruin, and the timelines of S7 are so wonky, they might do that if they show CS and/or Snowing.  If Henry, Regina and crew spent 8-10 years circle walking in the faux Enchanted Forest, I don’t necessarily want to see CS and Snowing 10 years after 7x02.  When it comes to them, I prefer to think of it as 6 months after 7x02 and they are just about to have their baby.

[ladyvialana]

Down the Wormhole: Paladin Character Arcs post-Season 4

Welcome to the second of my posts about season 4 of Voltron. Unlike the first more general post, this one is specifically about characters and how season 4 gives more of an insight into character development and arcs than at first glance. I’ll be discussing the paladin characters only in this post. I wanted to talk character arcs over the whole series and how season 4 might give an indication as to how things could play out in the future. Potentially. Maybe. I hope. (I make zero promises here, this is all pure speculation based on my personal analysis.)

Also, there will be a third post that deals with some more speculative inter-related character analysis that I initially wanted to put at the end of this post but both sections got far too long for that. (This post is like 4k long! I’m so sorry again!)

So look out for my third post also soon.

Let’s get started!

I want to talk about the individual major character arcs for each paladin (so far) over the series and what may lie in store for them in the future.

Again, no promises: this is just what makes sense to me after watching the whole series.

Hunk

Okay, so, Hunk’s character is pretty stable and very unlikely to change significantly. I definitely think there will be development (as I will discuss in a moment) but no major character change. Mostly because his first major character arc happened in season 1 with the Balmera arc. What’s really important to note about that arc, and Hunk’s role in particular, is that it signified a huge change in team Voltron (and the plot) as a whole.

Hunk’s initial character arc revolved around accepting his role as a paladin and his desire to help people in need. After meeting Shay, he is fully committed to the cause of taking down the Galra Empire and liberating planets. This is something that carries through the rest of the series. The result of this arc is a power-up for Voltron, their first liberated “planet” and gaining their first allies in the rebellion.

What’s really cool to note is that from this point on, Hunk is present at every important “first contact” meeting from that point on:

Mermaid planet

Olkarion

Taujeer

The space mall

Meeting Acxa in the Weblum

Poeig

The diplomatic meeting with Coalition leaders

Alternate reality Alteans

The refugees on Olkarion

The Voltron Shows (even if we and he sometimes wished he weren’t)

He was also present at the first meeting with the Arusians back before meeting Shay

Even if he didn’t always play a major role, he was always present at these first contact meetings.

Now, I don’t really like to refer to comments by creators/writers/PR for ongoing shows because a lot of the time the information released is either limited, exaggerated, or outright false because the aim of many of these press releases and convention circuits is to build suspense and intrigue, not answer any real questions. The show itself should answer your questions about major plot and character development. The creators don’t actually want spoilers out in the open as the could potentially reduce viewership.

However, there is more than enough evidence in the show so far to see that a major part of Hunk’s future role on the team (and the probable basis for future Hunk-centric plot arcs) will likely revolve around meeting/saving/understanding alien races and getting them as allies. So the PR comments made about how Hunk will likely be a diplomat for team Voltron isn’t so much a spoiler as a confirmation of his projected storyline.

In short: Hunk is the go-to guy for actually building the rebellion in terms of numbers. He’ll make sure everyone’s needs are heard and that everyone feels important to the movement. He is the solid foundation on which all of Voltron stands and losing him would be devastating on so many levels. Future arcs will probably revolve around similar sort of scenarios where is is in contact with alien races and doing what he can to help them. He will only become more confident in himself and in understanding how he fits into the universe.

(Watch me secretly hoping in the dark part of my heart for an arc that deals with them being separated again and having to realise, with him gone, how much stability Hunk actually brings to the team. Then he manages to save them all through the power of friendship and armoured beat downs.)

Pidge

Season 4 saw the conclusion of Pidge’s major character arc. Yes, she still needs to find her dad, but Matt was always the symbolic representation of her goal and, with him safe and allied with team Voltron, finding her father feels like a smaller plot-arc in the future the links back to her main arc. Emotionally, this arc has concluded, she succeeded in her goal and she’s more solidified in her role. Pidge’s arc has been about information gathering and investigating. And while that has mostly been for the sake of finding her family, it still resulted in very positive intel and activities for team Voltron.

Similar to Hunk, she’s been linked to aspects of the development of the team/alliance as a whole. She’s the one more directly connected to the rebels than anyone else on the team (Shiro is also connected but often, when he was linked to prison breaks and other rebel activities, Pidge was there too - aside from his second escape from the Galra in season 3).

With her major goal realised, the intensity and determination she showed in trying to find her family can be fully committed to the future of the coalition. And that is going to be amazing to see - look at the way she and Matt basically revolutionised how they track Galra troop movements. They’ve essentially hacked into one of the most important strategic tools the Galra have and their enemy is basically unaware of how badly they’ve been compromised.

Pidge, her intel, her smarts, and, perhaps most importantly, her heart are going to be vital to the success of the Coalition. I think finding her father is going to be another plot-arc she will see in the future and it will likely involve Matt (and possibly the rebels - and maybe Shiro too). I think she’ll also have more to do with the rebellion and connecting with them. And of course she’ll always have some awesome character moments saving team Voltron with her wits alone, as she always has.

(I’m also kind of hoping for her to maybe play a role in setting up/becoming the centre of a centralised intelligence ring for the Coalition. Pidge as an Oracle-like character. I think that would be really cool to see.)

Allura

I genuinely believe that Allura has/will have the strongest arc throughout the whole series and her arc is what will ultimately tie into the main plot of Voltron. She is the centre of the whole show and (as Lance was quite adamant and correct to insist) the heart of Voltron. Allura’s arc is about potential: her potential for magic, per potential as a paladin, her potential as a leader, her potential for bringing about healing and change. She represents the future and hope. (I will go into this a bit more in my third post.)

Externally, I believe we will see the development of her “magic”/connection to quintessence come into play now that it has been addressed again. We’ve already seen Allura be the one to formally create and guide the Coalition. We’ve seen her inspire the Balmerans to rise up and literally give her life force for the Balmera’s continued survival and future growth.

What’s interesting about Allura’s magic is that she is the only one, so far, who seems to be using it to effect positive change. Haggar and her corruption is a dark foil for Allura and, as I mentioned in my first post about season 4, I believe Haggar is going to be a huge part of the end game challenge that Voltron will face. On an individual level, Allura is the only one who has, so far, actually been able to stand toe-to-toe with Haggar, and I think that is going to be one of the big final show downs for the series. (Even if it doesn’t happen in the finale/final season, it will still have a huge impact on the plot of the whole show.)

I believe much of Allura’s character arc is about becoming a leader - the leader, in fact. While I hate speculating so specifically about something so far in the future, I believe the series will end with Allura as the leader for the freed people of the former Galra Empire. Not a ruler, but a leader and guiding light for the many leaders of the coalition who come together as equals.

I genuinely cannot wait to see how Allura continues to develop and shine ever more brightly as the series continues.

Shiro

I have to reiterate my comments from after season 3 and say that I am very worried for Shiro. Also, regardless of whether the clone theory is true or not doesn’t matter to Shiro’s character arc because it will still play out the same either way. For now, I will address this discussion as though it really is Shiro (since, considering if he is a clone, he also has all of Shiro’s memories and is essentially indistinguishable from Shiro anyway). This discussion does get a little speculative, so I don’t believe it will completely play out in canon entirely as I posit.

Shiro’s character arc is so interesting to me because it’s essentially all about dealing with the trauma of what the Galra did to him. And Shiro … is kind of not doing that? I mean, you could argue that his character arc has to do with developing as the leader of Voltron and gaining the trust of the Black Lion, but that’s not really an arc in the same way that, say, Allura’s development as a leader and her developing self-confidence is. He’s already the leader and actually doesn’t really change individually that much in the role; Voltron as a team changes, but not Shiro (unlike Hunk, whose character growth and action on the Balmera helped bring about change within the team, same with Pidge and getting her brother back).

Shiro’s arc is the only one of the paladins’ that is passive. Everyone else acts to bring about their goals/growth, but things are done to Shiro. Shiro is captured, Zarkon severs his link to the Black Lion, Ulaz saves him, he watches Keith gain the Blade’s trust, he’s removed again from Black, captured again by the Galra and experimented on, dumped on a planet, Black rejects him. Shiro is not active at all in many things about his character arc and the few times where he is forced to act he does so, not for his own sake, but for the team: he severs Zarkon’s link to Black and builds trust with the Black Lion because Zarkon is tracking them; he regains the Black bayard while fighting in Voltron to take down Zarkon for the sake of the universe; he steps back into the role as Black Paladin because Keith is not there and no one else can do it.

While all of this external action is happening to him, we still get flashbacks and implications that Shiro is not dealing with his trauma in order to heal. He’s ignoring his PTSD and pushing his feelings aside, on the surface, for the sake of the team. But I believe he’s also doing it because it’s too painful and he hates feeling weak. Again, that moment in 3x06 when he’s in bed and Keith tells him the team needs him is heartbreaking just because Shiro looks completely dead inside. Yet next scene he’s smiling and acting like he’s perfectly fine.

In season 4, Shiro is kind of cold. Yes, he’s supportive and involved, but he lacks the same humour he was starting to develop in season 1 & 2 and also the more personal bonds with members of the team. I think if he hadn’t disappeared after season 2 he could have started healing naturally with the rest of the team aiding in that process. But right now, he’s refusing to even look at his wounds, and it’s going to come to a messy head in a future season.

(Just a quick theory on a future plot arc - if project Kuron and the clone theory are correct, then this is a much longer con than expected and the end result will be devastating. Like, I’m talking the fact that Shiro may not recover from it and - possibly, everyone on team Voltron will be irrevocably changed. Schrodinger's Shiro is like a sword of Damocles for Voltron and I can’t wait to see if it falls. And then I will likely cry my eyes out in response.)

Keith

Keith’s character arc is one of the strongest on the show and one of the easiest to identify with: his search for his identity. Like Allura, this is likely to be a series long arc (though he may reach the emotional end of it before the final season) and, like Pidge and Hunk, involves working with allies (the Blade of Marmora) to strengthen team Voltron as a whole. It also ties into other character arcs - like Allura’s and Shiro’s (and possibly Lance’s) - which makes it all the more important to the overall series. (I will also address this in my next post.)

The wonderful thing about Keith’s character is that he’s always striving for more, always reaching. He doesn’t give up and will do everything he can to find a solution. He’s not always optimistic, but he does his best. He just doesn’t always know what the best way to go about things is because he doesn’t completely trust himself. He trusts others for these decisions, because they know themselves in a way that he doesn’t. Yet.

Keith in season 4 is still searching for his place. In season 2 he declared that he knows who he is and connected to a part of himself (awakened his Marmora blade) and gained a sense of confidence in his identity. And then Shiro disappeared and shattered all of that confidence and character growth. In season 3, he was thrust into the role of leader - which he didn’t want - and his confidence and sense of self took even more of a beating, even as he did his best to fulfil the role he was given. And finally in season 4 he gave up that role to try and rediscover who he was at his core and regain some stability, so he turned to the Blade again for answers.

Unfortunately for him, they did not have all the answers he needed this time.

At the end of season 4, all of his choices seem to lead to one conclusion: the best way for the war to be won (and his team - family!) to be saved is to sacrifice himself for the sake of the mission. So, while many of his actions may have been positive and reaching for a better solution for the sake of the team throughout the series so far, emotionally as an individual, Keith has been sliding ever since Shiro’s disappearance in season 2. He has basically given up on his sense of identity for the sake of the roles he plays - that scene where Lance comes to him for advice because Keith is the leader really stings in retrospect because Keith was, at that point, really struggling with figuring out who he actually was. And in Lance’s (the team’s) eyes, he was just the leader, not Keith, the individual.

The Blade of Marmora may have offered Keith some part of who he was but it cannot be the final destination for his search for identity. By the very nature of their society, he cannot exist as an individual. Every Marmora member wears the exact same uniform and mask. All of them are replaceable. And while there may be some comfort for Keith in that sort of uncaring uniformity, if it results in him subsuming his individuality to the point that he is willing to kill himself, it cannot be that this is where his true identity lies. If this was his endpoint, then his suicide mission would have succeeded.

It’s a running (sort-of) gag that Keith is the lone wolf of the group, but that’s not a real identity and Keith has proven over and over that it’s not an identity he is happy with. He was the first to commit himself completely to team Voltron and the fight against Zarkon, questioning how anyone could think about returning to Earth in the face of such tyranny. Part of that is probably the sense of camaraderie within the group that he, likely, had never really felt to that extent. Keith craves being a part of something and I am certain his search for his identity will culminate in the realization that he wants a family - this rag-tag family - to be a part of defining who he is. He might just need a little more time and space to figure that out.

(Still, there is no way he’s not getting more teary hugs after that stupid stunt. And, after all the build up about his need to take down Lotor and Lotor having been the one to save him, there is definitely going to be some major action going down on the castle ship next season.)

Lance

So, I saved the most speculative and complicated character arc for last. You would think simply saying that Lance’s arc has to do with dealing with his insecurities and self-worth would be straightforward. But, unlike all the others, because of the nature of Lance’s character arc, it has to be more speculative than the others. Lance’s arc relies far more on subtext than the other characters and, though I will present a theory based on textual and subtextual analysis, I am not as confident in this analysis linking to future canon (even less so than with my Shiro analysis, which is still pretty textually ambiguous).

With that warning about getting hopes up out of the way, let’s dig into our self-proclaimed seventh-wheel.

First of all, the really interesting thing about Lance’s arc is that, had certain plot points not happened after Shiro’s disappearance, his arc could have been wrapped up at the end of season 2. When Lance verbally aired his insecurities about his abilities and place on team Voltron in 2x10, it was a textual affirmation of something that had been subtextually implied since the pilot episode about Lance’s feelings of self-worth. When he took the shot at the end of the episode and Shiro reassured him of not only his place on the team but that he is worthwhile by calling him a sharpshooter, Lance’s self-worth arc could have emotionally concluded. From there he could have grown in confidence as a crack-shot and the paladin of the Blue Lion in the same way that Hunk’s initial hesitation and lack of confidence as a paladin was resolved by the Balmera arc and now his character growth is about him further gaining confidence and just developing as a person and paladin.

But then Shiro vanished, Keith became the Black Paladin, and Blue rejected Lance and all of that tenuous healing of his self-worth was destroyed. Again, we get a textual affirmation of how Lance doesn’t value himself while speaking to Allura about Blue’s rejection. That fact that Red chose him is not as much of a soothing balm to his wounds as might be implied. Later we get the scene in 3x06 where, after Shiro returns, Lance essentially confesses to Keith that he believes he is the most replaceable member of the team and Keith basically brushes his worries off.

I mentioned before that Shiro’s arc is the only one of the paladins’ that is a passive one, that things are done to him and he doesn’t act for change/growth the same way the other paladins so. While it seems on the surface that Lance’s arc is the same (with the only really active part he takes is in trying to express his insecurities to others in season 3 and the final shot he takes to save Slav on Beta Traz) Lance differs from Shiro in that he is actively doing something: he’s actively denying that this is a problem he has to deal with.

I talk about this a bit further in my next post, but Lance is actually very skilled at acting. Hell, the entirety of episode 4 was amazing and devastating to watch in regards to Lance and the Voltron propaganda shows just because the outright confirmation that he has not just the inclination but the skill to present himself exactly as people need him to. If all he supposedly cares about is flirting and being the best pilot for the glory of it, then no one will suspect that his obvious exaggeration to hide how he fails at getting the girl and, while very skilled, is not the best pilot is also a distraction from his genuine belief that (while everyone else thinks he believes in his own self-worth and think’s he’s important in spite of the obnoxious bagging) he’s not even good enough to be on the team. It’s like watching a stage magician: Lance is all distraction and smoke and mirrors so you can’t tell what’s actually true about how he thinks about himself.

This isn’t to say everything about how Lance presents himself is false. In fact, Lance uses his own personality traits and actions as part of his show. Lance is loud and sometimes obnoxious and he does enjoy flirting and is actually a good pilot. It makes the exaggeration that much more sinister to be based on truth and the feelings he’s hiding that much more potent because no one else knows that they need to find them.

See what I mean about this part being way more speculative than the rest? Lance could very well be much more true to how he presents himself than I am suggesting. The writers may not want to make his storylines and characterisation that complex (it is, admittedly, a very twisty-turny kind of way to think about him).

Regardless of how complex the nature of Lance’s ability to hide his insecurities, the fact is that he will have to deal with them at some point. And that means that he needs to be confronted about the fact that his self-worth is completely shot by someone who has the ability and authority/presence to inspire some sort of change. This will probably take some time. I don’t expect Lance’s issues to be addressed and dealt with in a single episode and, like with Shiro, the plot is bound to interfere with any sort of healing/progress.

...

Okay! Whew, that was a really long one.

Like I mentioned previously, I will have another post up soon that deals with something really specific and way more speculative regarding some of the relationships on the team and how they are presented narratively and linked together to affect each other. Unlike these first two posts, it is much more subjective - though, hopefully, still interesting for some people. So, if you want to, check it out when it’s posted!

I hope you enjoyed reading this (even if it was ridiculously long for a discussion post).