#not of any fault of its own bc of the things hes done after that song came out

[ronanlynchbf]

see too many ppl still defending jdepp or running with the "mutual abuse" angle so here's a video presenting basically all the (publicly available btw! for anyone to be able to look up!) information on this case. Let it be known if you still support jdepp i am assuming you have never done a grain of research into this in your life and just ran with public opinion and misinformation

[caruliaa]

the only penelope u shld be worried about girl is of sparta put the junkyard 2 DOWNNN

[psychabolition]

You talk about getting rid of the psychiatric system. But what do you propose should be done instead? /gen

I'm going to tell you a story . I once knew someone called Tim. When I met him he had already spent most of his life in drug addiction treatment centres, psych wards and prisons until he later ended up in a forensic psych ward. After he did LSD he 'never came down from his bad trip' and got diagnosed w schizophrenia. This diagnosis +the addict - diagnosis justified so many fucking human rights violations - it got him locked up, drugged up, strip searched, his privacy violated on a daily basis, isolated away from society and everyone he knew because apparently he needed to be 'saved from this illness in his brain that makes him do/think/feel' things he otherwise wouldnt and because he needed to be 'punished' into being a 'functioning', 'productive' (read: profit-generating) member of 'society' (read: hegemonic cultural norms & forms.) This is what psychiatry does - it doesnt help, it locks us up and tortures us. I dont need to be able to name alternatives to this lol . This is the worst possible way of treating anyone ever. It would help immensely to literally just STOP doing this. Even 'sane' people would go insane in places like these.

So the alternative to acting like an absolute asshole towards people who struggle severely and who dont have a place in society would be to 1)not isolate them away from society and 2)not torture them 🙏 . It would be to get rid off the psychologists' individual and the psychiatric systems' general saviour complex that only results in abusing people bc they act like the people who are labelled as mentally ill are (=their minds/brains) responsible for at fault for their own struggles. Instead we could show solidarity with each other and try to built a world where everyone has a place in and is valued as a person and where the suffering/madness of an individual is not seen as an incentive to literally abuse and socially ostracize them.

And @ everyone dont come at me w 'not everyone has these experiences w psychiatry' - any time you talk about systemic criticism you have to look at the most marginalized experiences. When talking about police defunding/prison abolition we also talk about police brutality that black disabled poor people face . And yes not everyone has bad experiences w every single cop , still ACAB . ALSO dont come at me with 'I know there ar GOOD psychologists who Actually want to help' ,1) fuck their savior complex 2)what individuals motives are for joining this system of oppression isnt necessarily the purpose of a system. The purpose of a system is what it does. The police isnt there to protect us, psychiatry isnt there to help us. We only have each other.

So, what you can do right now to get rid off the psychiatric system in your community? How can we stop relying on this authoritarian system that abuses and incarcerates so many of us ??

I think its important to educate each other on our rights. Because then we have the knowledge on what not to say in a therapy session so we dont get incarcerated or what to do when we are questioned by cops/psychs to see if we are 'at risk' or what to do when we or friends of us are already incarcerated so they can get out of there as fast as possible. Also educating your friends/family on psychiatric propaganda helps - a common myth is that if you dont 'look for signs' and call the cops to institutionalize a friend they might kill themselves. All while institutionalization/incarceration increases the risk of suicide extremely. This is important to know so no one in our communities calls the cops on us when we're doing really bad. Also educating each other on the biomedical model so everyone understands that we dont have an illness that we need to be 'saved from' (depression for example) or 'punished for' (aspd, drug addiction) and that we (=our minds/brains) arent to blame for our struggles Etc.

If you know that youre sometimes in extreme mental distress/pain you could also make a crisis plan with friends so you dont need to rely on the psych system - like for example the plan could be that a friend calls in sick for work/university and then stays at your place for 3-4days and is there for you/drinks tea w you, goes for a walk together w you, smokes a joint with you together until you feel better and arent acutely suicidal anymore. (Its also best to include several people in this plan bc it can get really overwhelming for 1 person). You can als include things in the plan like asking your friends to take away all knives in your apartment if you want to. Or if its a more permanent 'crisis' then a plan on how to move together with friends to get away from your nuclear family/abusive partner (just as an example).

Access to medication, knowledge on how to get off of them if you dont want to take them anymore and freedom and proper education in your decision on taking, weaning off or on staying on medication is not given in the psych system. So how do we change that? A common reason for 'crisis' is trying to wean off of psychiatric drugs (a lot of people get suicidal or psychotic bc of the withdrawal for example - depends on the meds, dosis and since how long youve been taking them though). You could plan when to do this together w friends. Theres anti psych guidelines on how to do this safely - a lot of psychiatrists tell you that you need to stay on meds no matter if you want to or not and they often dont know how to wean off of them or think youre 'at risk' and incarcerate you if you mention that you want to stop taking your meds -this highly depends on how stigmatizing your diagnosis is (=schizophrenia/bipolar are good examples for highly stigmatized ones) or if youre sb who get racialized for example (bc then psychs immediatly perceive you as more of 'a risk'). You could make a plan for example where you ask your friends to stay w you through this by living at your apartment w you for a few days, cooking meals for you and keeping your apartment clean. And then another friend of you could come by each day after work (for example) and also be there since its probably a lot for one person. Also LYING to psychiatrists is always a good idea. For example when youre trans and want to access gender affirming care its important not to mention any diagnoses in general but especially diagnoses like autism, schizophrenia, psychosis or PDs and then literally lie about yourself if necessary. You always know who you are and what you need best. Also dont blindly trust your psych on what medications go well together - look it up yourself !!! Theres a 'drug interaction checker' online where you can see if it might be dangerous to take certain meds at the same time. Also READ on what side effects are possible - make a diary for when you start your medication on how youre feeling/doing . Some changes are awful but still hard to notice bc youre thinking that it could also be a 'normal' worsening of your mental state that you think you might also have without meds. Also depending on what physical conditions you have/had you cant take some medications without it being dangerous - READ the whole instruction paper thing that always comes with your meds and/or google it !!

Also literally just sharing/collecting tips on how to cope w different struggles + harm reduction guides (suicidality, drug addiction, ...) is very helpful. There is a lot of community sourced material already out there.

I understand that the reason most people are severely struggling is because they dont have a community (=like when you only have 1 partner or 1 friend ,because youre (still) legal property of your parents, because youre stuck in a nuclear family,...) and not only because psychiatry divides our communities by blaming us for our struggles and isolating and stigmatizing us. Building community and relying on each other is the only way to get rid off the psychiatric system in the end. If we already had a real community that we could rely on, all the psych wards would be empty and therapists wouldnt exist. This is not the first step, its the solution.

Als there are already alternative institutions (that are already in practice) that are a replacement for psychiatry.

This is probably the answer that youre looking for 😂. I dont really care about these kind of anti psych concepts and practices since they seem out of my reach atm. Ik that theres an anti psych house in berlin whos guiding principles are 1)community care /peer support 2)full autonomy for everyone there and its specifically for people who are running away from psychiatric violence.

Other alternatives that I havent really looked into yet are : bethel house , peer respites, new models of therapy

[youandthemountains]

(via @ladyifrit)

DANIEL LARUSSO AND JOHNNY LAWRENCE COBRA KAI SEASON 4 EPISODE 5 daniel's reaction to johnny's dismissal and missing the point.

[pedropascallme]

u said u are always looking for a reason to write jim smut so let me deliver bc i’m actually so fixated on this movie it’s CRAZYYY!!!!! anyways i would like like a build up to a confession kind of? like there’s so so much romantic and sexual tension and it just like breaks and yeah😭😭 idk if that makes any sense but yk!! ok thank u so much!!! you are amazing dude

In Our Perfect Present Tense

Pairing: Jim x f!Reader

Summary: "And where had this sudden, deep infatuation with Jim come into play? Was it sudden?"

Warnings: SMUT (18+ MINORS DNI), p in v, fingering, praise kink, Jim can be soft!dom if I say so!! Allusions to canon typical violence, I know Cillian Murphy is 5'8 but Jim is 6'2 in my mind, if I missed anything please let me know!!

AN: Max you make my heart go badumbadumbadumbadum (good) I hope this is to your liking <3 Also continuing to cross tag my Cillian fics because my Jim fics rarely gain traction so we are trying some METHODS.

The cottage was so quiet.

You could hear Hannah shift under the blanket and sigh in her sleep, and though seeing her so peaceful made you feel a pang of protectiveness, watching her chest rise and fall, your mind was elsewhere. Maybe you were still in London, or Manchester, or anywhere else; maybe this was all fake and you had died somewhere along the way. Was this Heaven? Or maybe Purgatory, given that nothing seemed to have changed much.

And where had this sudden, deep infatuation with Jim come into play? Was it sudden?

No. You closed your eyes and his face flashed across your mind; eyes you wanted to drown in and cheekbones sharp enough to make you bleed. Maybe that’s why you kept him around in the first place. You’d never had to help him, save him from the congregation that chased him down the road; never had to take him to your hideout in the underground. At first, (and you knew this for a fact, at least) it was simply because Mark…bored you. He was cheesy and had a chip on his shoulder, and you didn’t like how he looked at you—didn’t like that he seemed to expect you to fall in love with him. Jim made a good buffer. And it helped that he had such kind eyes that seemed to be full of fear and morbid curiosity, and that he was, in every sense of the word, pretty.

You hadn’t been sad when you’d had to kill Mark.

But once you had made it clear to Jim that you didn’t want to fall in love with him, either, your snap judgement fogging your mind, you thought that was the end of it. Thought maybe he would go out like Mark did. And was it really your fault that Jim assumed you didn’t care about him? You didn’t. You wanted him to think you didn’t. Wanted him to think that he was essentially on his own when you ran up the stairs to the top floor, with his head splitting in pain and your legs going as fast as they could carry you. But when he came up to you that night to apologize to you, thank you, hold out an olive branch, it was then you realized that you felt isolated. And, yes, doomsday will do that to you, but it wasn’t just that. It was that even when humanity was rearing its ugly head, Jim still had the time to recognize and respect you; he was willing to put you first in a way nobody would’ve done even if their life didn’t depend on it.

You felt so guilty that night, touching yourself under the covers with everybody else just a few rooms over.

It was one thing to be wandering around the desolate city with him as your only company, but once you had Frank and Hannah (and a car) you felt like maybe, just maybe, there was hope. There was a glimmer of something behind Jim’s eye when you were eating out on the countryside after ransacking the supermarket—and it could’ve been the way the light was hitting him, or the way he laughed with Hannah, or the fact that he was eating fruit for the first time in weeks, but you thought maybe it had something to do with you. Maybe he had figured out that you did care. About him and about the state of things and about what the hell you would do if there was any sort of relief from running away. You thought about kissing him then, and he might’ve, too. There was a certain tenderness in the way he curled up next to you that night, under the stars.

In another life, he might’ve done it for reasons other than keeping warm.

And then, of course, that all came crashing down. It had been too good to be true, and in retrospect you hated yourself for allowing any harm to come to your small posse. You got out alive, but the hope you had was minimal, at best. Was alive good enough anymore? Was alive good enough when you’d fought off every evil you could think of in the span of 12 hours?

No. It wasn’t until Jim turned around, soaking wet and bleeding, that you realized that being alive was no good if he wasn’t there with you to enjoy it. You’d wanted to wrap yourself in him, to feel the sweat and blood caked on his chest and kiss him until you lost consciousness. Instead, you crumpled to the floor in the red dress that had been forced upon you, hugging yourself to his shins and begging him to tell you he was ok. It was mortifying, only made slightly more bearable when Hannah lobbed a bottle over his head. At least you knew there was still humor to be found in the worst of situations.

Shortly thereafter, when Jim got shot, you were certain that it was all over; you might as well follow him out. Maybe you would’ve if it hadn’t been for Hannah crying silently next to you as she floored the gas and begged you to stay. To do something. For once you felt like you had people worth fighting for other than yourself. It made you dizzy.

Which brought you back to the present.

There were two rooms in the cottage; both were damp and smelled like the lint from a dryer, but having a bed was enough. You had discussed the sleeping situation the night of your arrival, and there had only been some mild bickering.

“I’ll sleep on the floor. S’ok.” Jim remained gentlemanly throughout, but it was apparent, to you, at least, that the person with the bullet hole through their stomach should be able to sleep comfortably.  

“Hannah and I will take one, you’ll take the other.” You were blunt, dancing around the subject of who would end up sharing by deciding then and there to divide it based on sex.

“Wha—” Hannah began to protest before deciding to shut her mouth.

“It’s really not that big a deal,” Jim stood his ground, “I’ll find something to rest on.”

“Absolutely not.” And that’s where you ended it. Saving face, dismissing any deeper urges, leaving no time for Hannah or Jim to propose a different arrangement.  

But now that you were somewhat settled, it felt wrong to be in this room. The wallpaper was a reflective pink, and it felt too bright even in the pitch-black night. You couldn’t get comfortable, and all you could do was mull over every past interaction you’d had with Jim. Every interaction, and the way his mouth moved when he spoke, and the way he smiled at you, and the way he had quite literally killed for you—nearly been killed for you.

You felt hot. Nauseous, even, to the point where you felt that you had to move around or take a walk or do anything to feel more at ease. But it just so happened that you felt the most at ease around Jim.

You tiptoed across the floor and into the hallway. You almost didn’t bother knocking on the door, but felt that you at least owed him that decency.

“C’m’in.”

You peered into the room, allowing yourself a small view of Jim’s shirtless figure splayed out on the bed. You smiled, feeling shy out of nowhere.

“Just wanted to check on you.” You excused yourself, not wanting him to think it any more odd than it already was for you to be in his doorway at midnight. “You feeling ok?”

“Better than ever.” Jim crossed his arms behind his head, sitting up against the pillows. You could see the bandage on his abdomen, and his skin covered in a ray of moonlight.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He smiled, patting the mattress to encourage you to sit with him. You closed the door behind you. “Why’re you really up?”

“Honestly?” You paused to build tension, leaning in slightly, “Hannah snores.” Jim chuckled under his breath. “And…and I don’t really feel at home in that room.”

“Would you feel more at home in this one?”

“Maybe…”

“’Cause if you’d like it, you and Hannah could have it. ‘V’always wanted pink wallpaper, anyway.”

You rolled your eyes, “No, that’s—it’s not that.”

“Then…?” Jim tilted his head slightly, and you looked down and away from him, inhaling deeply.

“Can I stay in here tonight? With—with you?” You could feel your pulse in your throat and though he responded almost immediately, you felt as though hours were passing.

“Sure, f’course.” Jim nodded; eyes wide with eager bewilderment. You swing your legs over the mattress, straightening yourself out beside him. You looked up at the ceiling, lying on your back and waiting to fall asleep.

“Closer.” Jim whispered.

“Hm?”

“Y’can come closer. If you want, I mean.”

“Oh…yeah.” You shuffled closer to him. Somehow you ended up spooning, his hand draped hesitantly over your waist. You could feel the heat radiating off his body, and his breath blowing against the hairs on the back of your neck.

“Comfortable?” He was still whispering, as if he would wake the crickets if he spoke any louder.

“Yeah. You?”

“Yeah…” You both fell silent again, and you wondered if he could feel the tension, too, or if it was something you had just made up. You turned over to face him.

“I’m sorry.” You spoke, though his eyes were closed, and you thought maybe he had already fallen asleep.

“For what?” His eyes were still closed when he responded.

“For—you know…” You reached out to graze your fingertips over his bandages, withdrawing it just as quickly when you realized that what you were doing was so forward.

“You didn’t shoot me.”

“I didn’t stop you from getting shot.”

“Not much you could’ve done. Three of us and more of them.” He opened his eyes, “Plus, you drugged Hannah, so just the two of us, really.”

You buried your face into the pillow, “Was trying to help.”

“You did.” Jim reached out to goad you from your hiding spot. “Been nothing but helpful since I met you. Consider this me returning the favor.” You managed to peek an eye out from the pillow to look at him smiling at you. He was so gentle. How could a man who had been comatose while the world was thrown into shambles remain so empathetic?

“Didn’t want you to get hurt.” You mumbled, barely audible when the words came out through the pillow.

“Didn’t want you to get hurt, either. Think I went to all that trouble for myself?”

“No.” You brought your head up to fully look at him.

“Exactly. You would’ve done the same for me.”

“You say that with so much confidence.”

“Cause it’s true. Cocky, but it’s true.”

“It is.”

“True?”

“Cocky,” you smiled when he feigned defeat, “but also true.” You quieted again, keeping eye contact with one another. Jim’s smile faded slightly.

“Why did you help me?” He asked.

“Hm?”

“In the first place, by the gas station—why did you help me?”

You didn’t know how to answer. “I needed the company.”

“You had company.”

“I needed company I would enjoy.”

“What if I wasn’t enjoyable?” He raised an eyebrow.

“I was willing to take that risk.” You raised an eyebrow back at him, mocking his curiosity and his pushback. “And…I mean, plus, you were…I d’know. Tragic. And pretty.”

“Pretty?” His other eyebrow shot up.

“And tragic.” You giggled. “It’s not like I saw you tearing down the street screaming and thought that you only deserved help ‘cause you were good looking, it was just—it’s why I kept you around.” You rolled your eyes, trying to stop yourself from sounding too sincere, unsure if Jim was willing to recognize the attraction you had toward him. Unsure of whether or not you were willing to admit it right here, right now.

“You liked me.” Jim teased.

“I like you,” you clarified, “Present tense.” You averted your eyes from his gaze, opting instead to look down at his wound once more. He gawked at you, grinning. Placing a hand on your chin, he redirected your gaze to his face.

“How long have you been holding out on me?”

“What?”

“How long’ve you been wanting to say that? Not since day one, hm? Since we went to my parents’ house?”

“Didn’t want to say it,” you huffed, “wanted to help you stay alive.”

“C’mon, all that talk about how you didn’t care if I fell in love with you? Cared more than you let on, I knew it. Could’ve saved us so much time if you just came out with it.”

“Shush.” You tried not to dwell on his words, the realization that, this whole time, he was waiting for you.

“Say it again.” He gleamed, “say it again.”

You took his hand from your face, holding it in your own. “Jim,” you brought his hand to your chest, “I like you.”

You couldn’t take a breath before he was on you. You felt his lips first, plush against your own, and then his hands over your waist and his legs tangling with yours. For someone who had almost bled out less than a week ago, he was shockingly quick on his feet. You wrapped your arms around his neck, feeling the release of weeks’ worth of tension that had been festering inside of you when his tongue slipped between your lips. You moaned, hands grabbing at any part of him you could reach: You felt his chest against your own and ran a trail down his spine with a finger, feeling him shiver at your touch. He ground his hips into you slightly and you reached for his arms, pulling him in as close as you possibly could.

“Knew it.” He whispered when you pulled away for air. “Knew it.” He began sucking on your neck, running his tongue over your pulse point and licking stripes down your throat. You gasped at the feeling, still trying to touch him wherever you could. You found yourself stroking his jawline while he sucked bruises onto your chest, feeling the way his cheeks hollowed when he made an especially strong mark.

“Jim—” You pleaded, trying to touch him, feel him, all around needing him. It was almost all too much.

He returned to eye level. “Mm?” He kissed your neck again, soothing over the fresh hickeys. “Tell me what you need.”

“You—need you.”

“C’mon,” his grin returned, “specifics.”

“Please,” you needed to feel everything, everywhere, “fuck me.”

“God, sounds so pretty coming out of that mouth.” He stood up from the mattress, pulling you up slightly to allow him to disrobe you. It didn’t take much effort; the threadbare clothes you were trying to pass off as pajamas had already practically disintegrated the moment you had put them on. He shucked his bottoms off before retaking his place on top of you in bed.

“So fucking beautiful,” he kissed you again, “so, so pretty. Wanted to make you feel so good f’so long.”

Feeling confident, you cupped his cheek in your palm, “touched myself thinking about this.”

“F—when? Thought about me while you touched yourself? Tell me.” It was a breathless demand, and you could feel his erection throbbing above you.

“The night in the apartment. Came on my fingers, came so hard while I thought of how good you’d fuck me—oh!” Your sexy display was cut short when you felt his fingers brush your clit.

“Yeah? Touched right here and thought of how nice I’d fuck this pussy?” You whimpered at the way he massaged you just right, and his words only added fuel to the fire. “Should’ve just asked me to take care of you, baby, would’ve helped.” God, he was wicked. Such a good man, and so, so wicked for speaking to you like this. You arched your back, and he took the opportunity to slide two fingers into your cunt. “Fuck,” he huffed, delighted by how wet you were for him, and your eyes rolled back, “get yourself this wet? Or is it just me?”

“You, fuck, Jim—it’s you.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Cocky bastard.” You managed between whines and gasps.

“You love it.”  He continued to push his fingers in and out of you, and a delightful squelching noise filled the bedroom. “Fucking beautiful.” He kept at it for a while longer, enjoying the noises you made for him and the way your face contorted when he hit an especially sensitive spot. When he pulled his fingers from you, you sighed, feeling the low of being empty, until he brought the wet digits to your mouth and encouraged you to clean them off for him. He let out a low groan when you began sucking, using your tongue to gather your slick off from in between them. “Yeah, good girl.”

He slotted himself between your thighs, and you could feel the drag of his cock over your stomach. You looked down, wrapping a hand around him and ogling him; so long, so beautifully outlined by thick veins. He gently grasped your wrist, pushing your hand back onto the mattress.

“Wanna make this last.” He half-joked. He kept your arm pinned under him, and you could feel his tip exploring your folds, until finally he pushed himself into you. You let out a shaky, breathless moan as he shallowly thrusted into you, working you open to take him as deep as you could. When he bottomed out, he leaned his forehead against yours, and you could feel the stickiness of sex and sweat on your skin.

“Good, yeah?” He was still being smug, though ensuring you were comfortable. You felt devious, rolling your hips against him and grinning in response, earning a choked “fuck” from him. “Dirty fucking girl.” He pulled out almost entirely before thrusting back into you, forcefully enough that you felt your back drag against the bed. Your tits bounced as he rocked his hips into you, and he took the opportunity to grab one in his hand, taking the other in his mouth.

“Jim!” You couldn’t remember your own name, could barely remember who you were or how you got here; all you could think was Jim, Jim, Jim. “Fu—uck, oh my god, Jim!”

“Gonna wake up the whole neighborhood?” He was incapable of being serious even in the most intimate of moments, knowing full well that the people in this house were the only living souls for miles. “Gonna make sure everybody knows who’s fucking you?” Your lips parted, letting out small moans and whimpers of his name with every thrust.

You could feel his fingers on your clit again, and the feeling was electric; maybe it was because you had wanted him for so long, and tried to deny it for almost as long, but you’d never felt this good—never felt this perfectly sated. The way he kneaded your swollen bud while pounding into you hard enough to make the bedframe shake, the way he whispered such filthy things into the skin of your breasts, the way he wanted you too.

“Gonna—Jim, I’m gonna cum!” You tried to move in sync with him, but it was all too much; he was everywhere, and it was going to be your undoing. You wrapped your legs around his waist, urging him to fuck you deeper. He leaned over you, tracing his fingers down your cheek before grabbing your face in one hand.

“Cum for me, baby. So good, my perfect girl, cum on my cock like this.” You were as good as gone. You felt your legs tighten around his body at the same time as your cunt clenched around his length. You dug your nails into the skin of his arm, and he growled at the way your body responded to him. “Yeah, like that—just like that, sweetheart.”

You were trembling, dripping down his cock and unsure of how to rationalize this amount of pleasure in the midst of end times. Who cared, anyway? You felt fuzzy, barely registering Jim’s words as his strokes became messier and rushed, catching up to you with his own high.

“Want it inside,” you mumbled through your haze, “please, inside.”

“Can’t fucki—can’t say that baby, can’t risk it.”

“Please…” You knew how stupid it was, knew that he would have to say no, but you’d be damned if you didn’t at least try.

“When we get out of England—when we get out of England, I’ll fill you up as much as you want. Yeah?” He slammed himself into you, and his words bounced around inside of your head: “When we get out,” “as much as you want.” If you weren’t so spent, you’d cum for him again from that statement alone. “Promise I will, whenever you want it, baby.”

“Mm.” You sighed contentedly at his assurance. “Tummy.”

“Yeah, good girl, gonna paint you with my cum.” He groaned when you reached up to brush your fingers down his happy trail.

“Give it to me. Please, Jim. Needed it f’so long.” Your mouth hung open, sensitive and sore from his cock and his hands, and somehow still so needy for him, desperate to see him to completion. He buried his face in your neck, breathing in your scent and letting your moans fill his ears as his hips stuttered and he pulled out. You felt his knuckles against your stomach as he stroked himself, finally feeling the warmth of his spend land and spread across your abdomen with a long moan of your name. You stayed like that, both of you breathing heavily, Jim lying on top of you. The gluey feeling of his cum on your stomach and your own between your thighs only heightened when he sat up on his elbow, looking down at you to appreciate how pretty you looked after being fucked out, and you could see the strands of cum dripping between your bodies.

“So beautiful.” He kissed you again, and despite the passion from the last kisses still being present, he was significantly gentler with you in your bleary state.

You blinked up at him, smiling through the fog in your brain, and hugging him close to you. “Gonna have to change your bandages. Covered in your own cum.”

“But what a way to go, right?” He laughed, and you buried your face into him further. “Tomorrow,” he promised. “Need a towel?”

“Would it be gross to sleep like this?”

“Gross? No. Uncomfortable? Maybe.”

“I’ll take my chances. Too tired to wash off.”

“As long as you’re alright.” He brushed your hair away from your eyes, maneuvering himself to look down at you while you were pressed to his chest.

“Feel amazing.” You reassured him. “Should’ve said something earlier.”

“No,” Jim pet your hair, smoothing it down over the back of your head, “this was perfect timing.”

“Perfect timing.” You murmured his words back to him in agreement.

[sculien]

okay, another little update on the kitty (i was finally able to get him to the vet)

so the vet finally called me back this morning and after i told her what was going on she goes "oh...okay yeah you need to bring him in now, we have an opening at 10"

so i went and they did an ultra sound and found that the lining of his bladder is insanely thick, which isnt normal, (its supposed to be as thin as your eyelid, but it was the size of like 3/4 fingers) and that he has crystals/stones in his bladder. it could also be a uti, but she's sure the bleeding is from the stones. they might dissolve on their own (male cats cant pass any type of stones) but she wouldnt be able to give me more info without an x ray and more testing

SO after 2 hours of being there and discussing what needs to be done, i went ahead and left him there so they could neuter him, do more xrays/tests and microchip him while he's sedated to make it easier for them

he'll also be prescribed special food for a little while and he'll probably be on some type of anti-anxiety meds bc they think he might have an anxiety issue, which is probably my fault, i wasnt expecting to be homeless and moving up and down the east coast for the last 4 years and i could NOT make myself give him away :/

anyway. i get to pick him up in 2 hours if nothing horrible goes wrong, if the stones are bigger than they think, they might have to go in and remove them, which i hope to whatever entity that thats not the issue bc i can NOT afford 3 thousand dollar surgery 😶

so once again, thank you to everyone who reblogged and donated, you literally saved my cats life. if this would have gone on any longer, it would have caused a blockage (or a number of other horrible things) and would have made things so much more worse, and it wouldve gotten worse quickly

if i ever win the lottery..........ill pay everyone back and maybe buy everyone a new car or something 🙄😂

[eddiediazismyhusband]

sorry but shannon’s character/her and eddie’s relationship is written so diabolically badly… like i don’t think they writers even knew wtf they wanted their relationship to be so we got the most toxic fucked up fuckery (that they both played a hand in) and then she shows back up in s2 and it’s like “ooohhh nooooooo ofc eddie realistically is going to trust this woman with his son again even though she’s shown no genuine signs of reconnecting past reconnecting with his penis” just to have things get serious again and her be like “yeah no i never wanted this, lmao bye ✌️” to then KILL HER OFF and spend the next 4 seasons discussing how much eddie didn’t feel any real love to her and it was a fucked up sense of duty why he married her in the first place only to then bring her back in s7 (but not really) to have her literal ghost tell chris that she never wanted to be his mother further proving how toxic their entire family dynamic was (again not that it was entirely her fault but her s2 actions were fucking wack and ruined and possible redemption/reconciliation) and then to have a fucking SHANNON DOPPELGÄNGER SHOW UP TO BE LIKE “oh look she was the love of eddie’s life” like tim minear what the FUCK are you on…. like i get that this very much could be his twisted way of showing us that eddie has a very unhealthy obsession with the mistakes that he made in the relationship, but there are soooooooo many other ways that could have been done that didn’t once again fuck with the set narrative that we’ve been given for YEARS 😭😭😭

like to me it reads like tim didn’t actually know what he wanted for eddie in s2 after they made the choice to not have him be w maddie so they brought back his wife after building her up to be this villain, continued to villainize her through subtext, but also somehow tried to convince people that eddie would realistically do something like this when we’ve established how protective he is over his son??? and like also how manipulative shannon was in the whole situation yet it’s never brought up by ANYONE and the narrative still blames eddie while simultaneously trying to pave over its own portrayal of shannon as a bad mother by trying to be like “you don’t understand she was just struggling 🥺🥺”

idk it pisses me off bc shannon had the potential to be an amazing character for eddie’s development (especially his queer identity if they hadn’t tried to force them back into bed with each other) and she could have fallen into a real friendship with him (esp if she had been a lesbian and we got lavender marriage eddieshannpn but i digress) but instead we got…….. this mess that’s still going on after 5 years that even RG is getting sick of rehashing rather than them giving eddie anything new for him to work with

[teencopandthesourwolf]

so i'm supposed to be working on my sterek wip—and i am! i wrote about 1k today—but bc of all you lovely mutual's and folk i follow now also into buddie (main culprits being @inell @rosieposiepuddingnpie @sortasirius and @angela-feelstoomuch) and ofc bc of bi!buck confirmed, i've started ploughing through 911 over the last few weeks like a bloodhound chasing a rabbit through the woods and have consequently, inevitably, started a buddie wip. fml. anyways, it's all your lot's fault so here, have just under 1k of my first buck pov buddie quarantine wip and everyone pls forgive my adhd writing brain lol.

.

Eddie was so fucking drunk. And it wasn't really either of their faults.

Because daytimes? When they weren't on shift? They were easy.

In the daytime there was just so much stuff to do with Christopher. So many games to play and so many cool things Buck was finding he could teach the little guy. And there were things that Christopher was teaching Buck, too, like, did you know that a crocodile can't stick out its tongue? Because Buck didn't, not until Christopher told him. And how cool is that?

The three of them—Buck, Christopher and Eddie—had started a Strip Jack Naked tournament and they now played it every night that he and Eddie were home, just before bath and bedtime stories. Turns out Christopher loved card games, and loved the rude name given to Buck and Maddie's childhood favourite even more, because what ten year old wouldn't? There was obviously zero stripping involved; Buck didn't even know why it was called what it was called, only that it was super fun, and just about easy enough for Christopher to learn but not so easy he'd get bored too fast, y’know? And what was funny was that the little dude hadn't even won a single round yet, and that somehow hadn't seemed to deter the slugger in his efforts one bit. Quite the opposite, actually. He'd warned, “Just you two wait,” and had this look on his face that said he was determined to become a grandmaster and beat Buck at his own game—or, even better, beat his Dad and win the prize of Eddie having to tidy Christopher's room for a week (a suggestion of Buck's that Eddie had not been overjoyed about).

In turn, Buck and Eddie had now lost countless games of Mario Kart to the kid; been repeatedly humiliated at Pictionary (the kiddie version); and each had the least amount of kudos points for Misfits, a game that Eddie apparently used to play with his sisters. It was another drawing-type one, where each player took a body section on their turn—head, torso and arms, or legs and feet—and then folded the paper over to hide the result until everyone was done and Christopher would unfold the paper and they'd all cry with laughter at the results. Misfits didn't even technically have any winners or losers, but hey, try telling Christopher that.

Evenings, though? The few hours left between Christopher's bedtime and Eddie and Buck turning in for the night? They were tougher.

Tough on Buck, at least.

See, he'd had this dream, a few weeks back. A dream about—well.

About Eddie.

In the dream, Buck had been washing the dishes in Eddie and Chris's apartment after Eddie had made another attempt at cooking his abuela's delicious Barbacoa recipe (Buck had tasted the real deal once when Isabel had come to stay and Eddie had invited Buck over to dinner), and Eddie had suddenly crowded into him from behind, crushing the length of his body up against Buck's back and reaching around to circle soft but firm hands around Buck's wet wrists. Startled and confused, Buck had open opened his mouth to say something when Eddie had placed his hot mouth onto the sensitive spot on Buck's neck, just below his right ear and—

Buck had woken abruptly, writhing and twitching and groaning, jizz spilling all over his freshly changed bed sheets.

After that, evenings were a challenge.

They were now made up of all the usual fun and dumb stuff that Buck and Eddie got up to, plus the occasionally deeper topics in their lives that they both seemed to struggle with but tried their best to share with each other, but there was also Don't look too long at Eddie's hands, and Don't look at Eddie's mouth while he speaks, and Don't check out Eddie's ass in those jeans I'd told him he should definitely buy when the shops were still open and the world hadn't yet gone to shit and I wasn't losing my damn mind.

Buck had moved into Eddie and Chris's place when Quarantine hit because it had just made sense, and over the course of the last six months he had somehow managed to fall in lust with his best friend.

So, times when they both had tomorrow off work, and when the confinement got to be a little too much, they would drink. Sometimes a little too much. One of them always stayed relatively sober though, just in case Chris needed something in the night, and tonight, Buck had been allowing Eddie to enjoy himself because the guy hardly ever really let his hair down, and he deserved to.

Eddie got giggly when he drank Tequila, Buck noticed.

They'd already sunk a few beers prior to cracking open the bottle of Cazadores Reposado, and after Buck had stopped at two shots but Eddie had continued, Eddie had become progressively loose and was now starting to giggle like a frickin schoolgirl. Which, embarrassingly, seemed to be doing things to Buck—not that Buck had a thing for school girls, jesus no, it was just that Eddie sounding so soft and vulnerable and happy was something that apparently really did it for Buck.

Fuck his life.

The guy also got very touchy-feely on tequila, too.

They'd migrated from the kitchen table to sitting so close to each other on the sofa that they were permanently touching, as well as all the times Eddie kept nudging his shoulder further into Buck's and squeezing his hand on Buck's knee. Then his thigh.

Seriously, fuck Buck's life.

The way Eddie had gotten so comfortable with touching Buck was becoming a majorly uncomfortable situation for Buck to have to deal with. Not because Buck didn't want the attention, but because he really fucking did.

And that was a problem, for a few reasons.

Reason one was that Buck wasn't gay, and didn't really understand these feelings he was having.

Reason two was, as far as Buck knew, Eddie wasn't gay either.

Reason three (and Buck's biggest fear) was Buck being terrified of losing what he had with Eddie. He loved Eddie, and Christopher, and he was pretty sure they loved him back—and he certainly wasn't about to let his rabid and confusing libido ruin any of that.

Drunk Eddie, though? It seemed Drunk Eddie really had it in for Buck tonight.

.

fingers crossed i can finish it before buck goes insane! xp

[cleromancy]

Something has been bugging me recently. Do you ever notice how people (particularly Jason stans) go on about how Tim victim blame's Jason for his own death, but fail to mention how Alfred and Bruce are guilty of doing the same thing in the past? Why do these two (especially Alfred) get a pass?

LMAO LIKE... EVERYONES DONE IT. BRUCE ALFRED DICK BABS *SELINA* OF ALL PEOPLE ONE TIME... actually id have to double check that one idr exactly what she said about jason it might have just been that hes unhinged (<- also a thing everyones said at some point) but like. everyones freakin done it. or at least *implied* it.

tim is a special case for a reason though--and ill come back to bruce and alfred later--and its not just bc fandom wants a scapegoat to pin All The Victim-Blaming on. on a meta level tim was specifically created to be jasons opposite, and to ~rehabilitate the robin role and make robin palatable again to modern readers. (and to be clear this wasnt bc readers didn't like jason specifically--it was the idea of robin at all, and to a lesser extent just replacing the orig. jason just took on the mantle at a really unfortunate period in comics culture.) so the comparisons to jason are baked in right off the bat. and tim has to be "better". tim had to prove that a robin was necessary so that dc could keep having one, he had to justify it so that the blame didnt fall on bruce for getting a child killed (or yk even just out there fighting crime at all). theres also an element of class dynamics thats. i mean. jason was a homeless street kid and tims this fancy little distinctly upper middle class kid who replaces him, without derailing to get too deep into that the optics already arent fucking great.

but tims creation aside, just as far as how often it comes up... tim also takes the role of robin really seriously, and its everything to him, so he spends a lot of time thinking about it, what it means to wear the uniform & fulfil the role. so hes the one whos most frequently in the position to be thinking about jason, after bruce. so tim winds up being the one pushing the bulk of the bad/angry/impulsive robin narrative retcon dc wanted to push bc... its the most directly relevant to him. bruce doesnt have much narrative need to think about jason "failing" or not being good enough until under the red hood... except to be like "i dont have to worry about tim bc hes not like jason." lmao. and then you have tim who does not want to get killed, like jason did, so he spends time thinking about how to not end up like jason. which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how being a victim of murder works but i think understandable thing for a child replacement of another dead child to latch onto (particularly one as prone to arrogance & god-complex-itude as Our Timmy, lol). and both on a meta level and in-universe this is about shifting the blame off of bruce and onto the victim because tim needs to keep filling the role hes filling without it being bruces fault that jason died in the first place, bc reckoning with batman and child endangerment is not smth the comics had ever really planned on doing in a serious way.

but as for why singling tim out over bruce and alfred-- the kind of ppl who do this already generally think bruce sucks past the point of being interested in ~holding him accountable~ for absolutely anything... like "bruce sucks, everyone knows he sucks, enough said." i think the logic is generally like "if tims not a total shithead like bruce, then why is he doing shithead stuff like bruce does :/" and then pinning it all on tim as opposed to considering like "hey uhhh do you think maybe hearing stories about jason from bruce influences how tim thinks of jason over the years." if that makes sense

as for alfred. people do not want alfred to have any interiority or to ever have been mean or wrong bc then theyd have to actually think about the fact that bruce has a 24/7 domestic servant in his employ, which is just the. tip of the iceberg when you start thinking about alfred as a full character and not a convenient cardboard cutout to prop up whoever the narrative needs him to. also alfreds role in almost every batman narrative is strictly as support, almost no agency within the story to have a meaningful impact, and people generally respond to the character in kind.

finally i think tim mmmmight be the only character at least as of the reboot who ever talked *to jason* outloud style about certain things relating to jasons death... this answer is already getting too long so i dont want to get into depth about titans tower. but tt 2003 #29 is a great example of the comics pitting tim and jason against each other to make Jason look worse by comparison--for all that tim doesn't actually *say* anything victim blaming jason for his death, *and* for all that jason totally kicks tims ass in the fight and its not even close, on a meta level the story is 100% presenting jason as the bad robin, the robin who failed, Unlike Tim Drake, A *Good* Robin. (i accidentally reread the issue ... im going to make a post about it later probably. god i wish this fucking issue had been good)

but yeah i could probably go on and on even further but yeah, i think thats where people are coming from when they single timmy out. tim only exists at all bc of jason n would be fundamentally unrecognizable without having been crafted to be the anti-jason. and on top of that he has repeatedly been used by dc to make jason look worse (or rather jason was used to make tim look better), and a lot of my fellow jason stans understandably resent tim for it. i however am built different, and want them to kiss.

[allgirlsareprincesses]

I'm so curious as to what your thoughts are on acomaf/Rhys. Personally, the reason the second book infuriated me was bc SJM completely shifted Tamlin's good traits onto Rhys, while erasing the fucked up things the latter did (like breaking Feyre's arm 😅), and thus clumsily erasing chances for interesting complex grey-morality characterizations for both characters. Also Feyre forgot about Tamlin so fast it almost made the first book seem useless lol. idk, I just liked Tamlin and feel he was done dirty with the weird lib-feminist makeover acomaf got. I did continue reading the series though. I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable speaking about this, so feel free to ignore this ask. Have a lovely day 💖

Phew! So my issues with the series are NUMEROUS and some day I will go into all the reasons I quit ACOMAF 3/4 of the way through, but for now, let me sum up my problem by comparing it to another modern phenomenon: Frozen.

Like ACOTAR, I have many specific dislikes about the Frozen series, but my main problem with it is the way it cynically uses fairy tale motifs against the audience, but then still wants to claim it is a fairy tale. Frozen's setup gives the audience absolutely zero reason to doubt or distrust Hans (other than the arrival of Kristoff). In fact, Hans and Anna have one of the best insta-love songs from the Disney collection, and it galls me TO NO END that it's a trick, a lie. And then the rest of the movie repeatedly mocks the audience for believing in fairy tale love ("You can't marry a man you just met!"), as if to say everyone who has enjoyed Disney fairy tales up to this point is a sucker. Yet then it expects us to invest in the Anna-Kristoff romance after punishing us for the Anna-Hans one. And meanwhile, Kristoff is about as interesting as stale bread (sorry not sorry, it's true. I love you Jonathan Groff, it's not your fault sweetie.).

So anyway, back to ACOTAR. Book 1 is a straightforward Search For The Lost Husband. Taken on its own, it honestly rules as an example of this Cupid & Psyche tale type. It has the hunter-huntress motif, the jealous sisters, passage into the otherworld, hidden/cursed prince, supernatural helpers, three trials in the underworld, and even resurrection from death. It's literally perfect, other than Rhys marking her and just generally being creepy.

And then the next book PUNISHES the reader for enjoying that. HAHA you fool, you sucker, you got taken in by an abuser! Actually that whole book was a f*cking waste of time and a lie, and what Feyre really needs is this dude who's secretly perfect and who has all the aesthetics of a tormented prince but none of the actual psychological damage (like, say, Tamlin had). And who pursued Feyre not because of any natural affinity but because he knew she was his predetermined MATE (ew ew ew and I repeat EW). And who dictates every f*cking plot point and then magnanimously gives Feyre the OPTION of participating and we're all supposed to cheer because he says "It's your choice" before repeatedly using her and endangering her.

And to the extent that this is another Search For The Lost Husband, why would I want the same story told again, especially when the narrative wasted my time and mocked me for investing in the last romance? I just... really resent the author using those motifs without signaling sooner that she's going to deliberately undermine them (which can be done, in fairness, but it takes more skill than SJM has displayed).

So yeah, that's my issue. It really seems to come from this faux feminism that has a lot of antipathy toward traditional fairy tales, but doesn't know how to critique them without mocking the protagonist and audience alike.

[lesbianfring]

Don't mind me, just sitting down here drifting into my own thoughts about how vince and the rest of the brba/bcs writers managed to write gustavo fring in a way so thematically queer and his entire plot line being centred around max's death and his revenge, but to me it's the themes that just hit too close to home.

(I hide in plain sight) as someone who exists in a place where queerness is a crime, this is very much how I live. The double life of chicken man during the day kingpin by the just reads to me as queer allegory.

(look at him, its you're fault) do I need to explain this one at all? If you ever came across religious homophobia you'd be told that your queerness is what doomed you from the start and the harm that comes to you and your loved ones is just a natural consequence of your queerness. I remember being Bearley 16, my first partner being dragged away and into a fate that I'll never know of, and my dad telling me that if anything happens to her, it's my fault, while being pinned to a wall and searched befor entry to conversion therapy, sobbing my eyes out. The hermanos scene was so fucking traumatising to say the least, the desperation in both gus's and max's eyes and the fear that consumes any other emotion or thought, I know it too well. Honestly, I feel like an absolute joke literally having a ptsd flashback because of this scene and then reading that giancarlo said that gus's sexuality is up to interpretation, like am I joke to you or what ? Love this man as much as any fan, but bro, I just rather you'd call me a slur ?

( a bullet to the head would be too humane) There is also the anger, vengeance, and grudge he holds. Though because he is very practical, we rarely get to see this peak through, but it's definitely his greatest motivation. And I dont know how to put this into words, but if had the chance to hurt the people that hurt me and took away my ability to protect someone I promised to protect, I fucking would. He'll I'd set the systems that are built to destroy me a blaze. Though for now, me being alive, breathing, surviving, is its own kind of revenge.

( Hector vs. Gus ) this one is pretty obvious, lone wolf queer swearing off any kind of emotional connection throwing away the last 20 years of his life to avenge the death of his lover, he also expresses masculinity just never in the traditional sence, going against hector who's very much the family guy, his entire existence and power is within his family, the traditional patriarchal image of a man. They literally are opposites in everything. when hector barges into los pollos heramnos, he completely disrespects the place and "immaculates" gus by cleaning his shoes on the desk and smoking inside the restaurant. On the other hand, we see gus smiling after the Salamancas left, knowing that this meant he successfully sabotaged their operation. He won, he's the in dominance, but he won't flaunt it or scream and shout or be an ass hole unless he absolutely needs to, other than that we never see him interested in showing off his muscles to anyone. Of course, unlike hector. He'll shit himself as a show of dominance and masculinity, literally lmao.

I just hope that this shows that Queerness isn't just about sexuality and gender. It literally changes how you interact with the whole world. Whether or not this was intentionally done by the writers, a brilliant conicdance of all these things coming together and making gustavo fring is one of the best queer characters to ever be on the TV screens. I know people will mention the wine bar scene, or the 2 times he stood by the same exact same spot at eladio's pool, or fact that gus never expressed interest in women, etc. But this isn't all there is. TO ME, there is not a reading of Gustavo fring that wouldn't end up reading him as queer, specifically because of the themes listed above. And (up to interpretation) is not good enough and will never be. You don't get to profit off of me watching this getting retrumatised and then acting like it's a total stretch for me to see myself in that. It INFURATES ME honestly relating to this piece of media, that I'm probably not welcomed into the fandom or even seen as reaching far to get to the queer reading of this character, the queer fans deserve so much better than this.

Also, I know when vince and giancarlo would probably be so uncomfortable at the suggestion that gus and max have been lovers i know my bois James Martinez and Peter Gould got my back

Fucking love yall

I hope the next time I hyper fixate on a queer character that they'd be written or played by queer people. I don't think anyone could have played gus better than giancarlo himself, but how hard it is to just acknowledge that it's an integral part of who gus is? I guess it's too much for the P.R. lmao.

[eeyes]

I dont have any friends or support near where i live and havent since i moved here 2017….. I guess it should be obvoous but ifeel alone more and more because my family completely does not care about me.

I dont leave the house at all bc i cant drive, i have medicare covered transportation for medical appointments, but ive given up on those bc they add up to 4 hours extra for waiting and if the weathers bad and its outside office hours after the appointment im waiting outside, or if im sick waiting in the lobby chairs takes so much out of me. Im depending on my dad who works full time for transportation and i always feel guilty because hes missing work.

The other person in my house who can drive is my sisters gf and at this point my relationship with her is the reason i need to leave this house immediately and i dont know how to make that possible. She used to drive me to appointments when i was fully wheelchair bound and she would sleep through appointments and cancel without notice or get mad at me bc i told her on short notice when i had appointments, bc i had memory issues/brain fog and could barely remember where i was at any given point.

When i starteyd regaining mobility i took charge of my humanity and told her she was evil for guilt tripping me for the missed appointments, when it was her fault. Sometimes it was my fault too but she couldnt own up to her missing appointments~2months of appointmwnts that made my case manager drop me from her file. Bc every morning i came in and the excuse was the same, my sisters gf had “insomnia” last night, when i saw that all last night she had been playing on the computer laughing it up getting drunk. And when SHE had therapy appointments she magically took responsibility and whent to bed on time. No one wants to hear how bad of a person they are so she does not want to hear the truth of her actions.

Because i did not let her gett away with gaslighting me on my missed appontments being her fault when i literally couldnt walk & had no other transportation options, she refuses to help me with transportation anymore, regardless of emergencies. I dont ask anymore but recently i scheduled a blood test concurrently with my sister (the one who is dating her) cuz i needed tested for diabetes, immune system, baselines for antibiotics. Brought up that i still badly needed the blood tests done to sisters gf, she told me the 2 of them already got it done without me, and literally laughed in my face and said “i dont owe you anything”. Shes laughed in my face and gaslit me and dehumanized me for my disability constantly. P much everyone in the house just looks the other way or tells me to put up with it.

My dad said he was going to start looking for a different job several months ago and hasnt been able to because hes constantly strecthed thin helping me with transportation and i feel completely useless. i cant drive, i cant get a job, i cant physically help anymore because my body is a piece of shit. We’re always paying for broken ass stupid shit in the house and theres always 10 other broken things.

I gave my dad an ultimatum like fully last month to cut off my sisters gf from his credit card and he still hasnt done it. Hes shown me she spent $500 in a month without reason, and she uses his card for gas for every outing. Her and my sister get takeout/fast food every day or multiple times a day and get their own separate groceries. They can buy their owm gas. My dad agrees but hes too scared to confiscate the credit card bexause that means an argument.

My sisters gf is financially leeching off my dad and it beyond bothers me. She brags about how she makes more than a full time minimum wage job here, p sure she makes more than that now tho . Cuz i criticized her when they were complaining about getting cut off from food stamps cuz they legally do not qualify and were lying about their income levels🕴️🕴️🕴️ Shes impulse buying all the time physical items, and most of it id dont even see bc its digital.

Meanwhile her and my sister do not share any of their food and criticize us for eating “gross greasy unhealthy food”. Dont help us by buying/sharing groceries… Yeah i wonder why we are eating poor people food. I literally keep eating actual expired food and they had a full blown argument the other day bc i ate a 70¢ package of ramen that was apparently my sisters gfs even tho i got permission.

Every time i talk to my therapists/case managers its just the same back and forth. “We literally cant help you as long as youre living there all we can do is focus on ~mindfulness~…” And there is no government assisted option for me. Im well aware. I think id rather be homeless at this point.

So there is a group home that im supposed to have an intake session with, i think this was before christmas. Christmas is the worst time of the year. I live in a hoarder house and the pile is so bad im tripping over shit in my own bedroom now. When i need to use my cane i just stay in bed all day because theres no clear path and no one gives a fuck about cleaning to help me. But i just keep crying because i dont know why its taking so long to even get to this fucking intake appontment.

The water heaters broken and takes like 3 hrs to warm up so i keep struggling to take showers. I have 2 exposed nerves in my teeth i was supposed to gwt treated and everyone got covid, i just hope we’re not still contagious but at this point i can barely eat anymore. I need to see a gynecologist (not psyched and it probably wont go anywhere bc of trauma) bc my period cramps are so bad every month painkillers dont do anything anymore and im missing several days every month having to cancel everything���

I keep rhinking about trying to make friends near me and then im like. Dude you are retarded and poor and have nothing to offer you are less than a dog. Theres nothing challenging that bc thats what my family members tell me to my face daily. I know i need to gain community but i cant overcome the fact that i am seriously worthless. And i dont live in the city proper, that makes it worse, so to any prospective friends (ft wayne btw…❤️‍🩹) you have to go out of your way to pick me up.

Realistically ill be way better mentally when im not here, right now. exactly where everything in my house and physical health is but when its this bad dude i wanna die. And its not gotten any better it jjst gets worse and i have NO CONTROL over it. I want out of indiana. I dont want to live in ft wayne/my town. I dont want to live in this house… I cant imagine liking the place you live in even vaguely… I hate everything about where i live…

So i need to do the group housing intake… But im really worried it wont pan out bc in general every single government asisstnace gets denied for me bc i live with family and we have enough income just have a dysfunctional home, dont need food stamps etc. Like if i needed a caregiver they would point at one of my family members and not rly care that none of them are going to do it or even the ones that care, dont have time/energy… The government doesmt care about disabled people and im slipping through the cracks… I just want out and i think if i gamble everythinf on this im gonna lose it

Nothing… thats all… I just need somethinf anything literally anything positive in my life i keep crying my eyes out before bed because im always ruminating on how my family treats me. Its not even the broken house shit its the fact that i dont feel safe in the kitchen or downstairs (sister/her gf’s bedroom are downstairs) anymore, little things like my laundry got taken out of the wash and left to mold and my face washrags thrown behind the toilet and its clear who did it, and ppl are like, well, maybe it was an accident? Maybe youre reading into it too much? The fact that i could ask for a ride to the ER and she’d be like. No. Let me go ask your dad who works full time paying for everything whos currently in a work meeting to drive you instead or otherwise i can make your medicaid payments use 1/4th their yearly max by calling an ambulance

[im-smart-i-swear]

tfw youre trying to reconsile with your estranged '''''twin''''''' after months of avoiding each other (their fault)(they were a dick to you)(and shot you) but they just cant stop making it weird & about how theyre a terrible person

i think these twos relationship is very interesting. at the begenning buddy treated kuro like shit bc they were projecting their self-hate and guilt on him, also exasparated by them being technically twins. later kuro moved out bc of that and the two of them didnt see each other again for months.

when they met again buddy apologised but they didnt really form any deep relationship. they are both uncomfortable with each others presence due to how their relationship started & the imposed familial status that neither of them feels good about.

buddy feels guilty for how they treated kuro, they are also aware that this is just another failure in a long line of their failures. they know they fucked up, theyre used to that feeling at this point, and they simply accept that fact. theyre sorta weirdly apathetic about the whole thing when meeting kuro again - they made peace with what theyve done wrong and are just trying to do damage control atp.

basically they said 'i know what i did to you was fucked up and im sorry. i have a history of fucking things up and i did it again. im trying to be better and i fail time and time again but i will try again anyway, even if theres a huge possibility ill just mess up again. im trying to set things right and ill disappear from your life if thats what you want. you dont have to forgive me or like me. im sorry' (<-also notice how this apology is still sorta centered around how bad of a person bud is and not what they put kuro through. buds self-loathing is still shining through here even as they are trying to set things straight. in their effort to try and explain their thought process they accidentally focused on the wrong thing!!!! they dont really mean it that way but to kuro thats what it comes off as)

kuro used to hate or at least heavily dislike bud for a long time and thinks theyre a self centered asshole and also just plainly annoying. even the apology he got from them after months of radio silence on both ends didnt feel like enough to him. it felt like buddy was just using the apology as an opportunity to say 'im a bad person. sorry for that lol it will propably happen again, do with this info what you will'. it pisses him off a bit and he propably yells at buddy for it, who is very apologetic and just takes it, which just pisses kuro even more bc he WANTS a confrontation, hes angry and hurt and is airing out his frustrations at bud and he wants a reaction but he gets none. buddy knows very well what they did and are treating this as a sort of righteus punishment

so overall. i think their relationship is just kinda like this for a few years - long periods of avoiding each other interspersed with a few outbursts (sometimes kuro starts and sometimes bud does). after a few more years i feel like things might start being better, but thats only bc they both gradually grow as people sepeartely, which just has the side effect of making them both more chill. maaaaybe after a decade or two the animosity stops and they become friendly with each other but i dont rlly think they ever get to Twin Level Closeness. at that point both of them have their own fullfilling lives and are fine with things as they are

...or maybe not. idk man im still working shit out so this might all change and in a few months this whole rant will be ooc and innacurate, who knows! i certainly dont

(Also the doodle at the top isn't meant to portray The Apology itself, its just a little scene i thought was neat, dunno where exactly it (or if it even) falls on Da Timeline)

[luvrxbunny]

Let’s start with my mom: My mom is not the worst mom. I love her so much that it hurts. She could just be better like all the other parents in the world. Like once she kicked me out of the house bc of my stepdad who cheated on her multiple times and treated her like absolute shit. She would purposely put my little sister off to the side (which doesn’t make sense bc my step dad is her father😭) and would put her on me and my older sister. She used to constantly criticized me on how my hair looked, how I dressed,and more. But that motivated me. I changed up my wardrobe, started learning how to do my hair, bought makeup, everything. I did it not only bc of what she would say but what people at school would say. Which when I told her I was getting bullied at school, she told me to just stand up for myself and when I told her I didn’t know how, she would ridicule me about that too. Another time she flat out told me I wasn’t wanted. AT A PUBLIC POOL. There were worse times than others but I’m glad I still have a good relationship with my mom. Not everyone is as lucky as me

Now my dad on the other hand, fuck him. First off, when I was growing up he was a poor excuse of a father. He still is but that’s wtv🙄. He would bail on me at times even though he promised. And when his health got worse, he started to treat me like a maid. I do currently live with my dad and for the past few months, I have to do almost everything for him. He’s always like “Kenya do this for me” and “Kenya do that for me”. He asks me for so much that sometimes he pays me. I cook for him, I clean for him sometimes, I get things for him and what I don’t do, my grandma does. And let me tell you, my grandma is a strong woman bc I would have gave up a long time ago if I was her. This man is ungrateful, lazy, a piece of shit, and a overall bad person. He smells first of all at his big grown age, my grandma cleans up after him, and the reason I say he’s ungrateful is bc recently when he got back from the hospital bc of a knee injury, my grandma had stripped his bed and he got mad. He said and I quote “I told her what to do and she just did whatever she wanted to do.” So I said “you’re lucky she washed anything. Just ungrateful.” And this dumbass nigga had the audacity to say to me “I didn’t ask for your fucking attitude Kenya. You sit in here and let her do the shit.” Referring to her stripping his bed and cleaning his sheets. I just walked off before I hurt him bc he can be such a pain in the fucking ass, you know? Like y grandma is not getting any younger and you’re just putting more stress on her. And what kills me is he got a degree and never did anything with it bc he’s a failure. Why go to college and never have a career? What makes me mad about that is some people never got the chance to go to college and you just threw your life away like nothing? And he can’t even blame it on his health bc ITS HIS FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE. It’s all those years of terrible eating and unhealthy decisions that got you in this place.

I could really talk about my dad for hours and how much I hate that man. But what’s crazy is I would still be sad if he died. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn’t though

okay babes why are you almost me

i’m the same way with my mom, like she’s almost my best friend, we have a pretty good relationship, definitely better than most but she is also the meanest person to me in my life. she’s the only one who can make me feel as terrible as i do, yet i love her????

and for the doing everything around the house, i also relate to that. my mom has me and my siblings clean the entire house, she used to withhold food or sleep until we got things done, she would scream and more that i’d rather just not get into but luckily she’s too old to do that anymore— or we’re too big. but i don’t know why some parents think their children were made to serve them? like we’re our own people with our own lives. you wouldn’t like to be doing something like this for free so what makes you think i want to?

and i hope u don’t take this the wrong way but your dad sounds insanely immature. like as a grown ass man you’re yelling at your child and your mother over some bedsheets!?! just hearing abt it is making my blood boil

and then i said how you’d still be sad if he died omg i felt that

my dad was abusive and had been absent for god knows how long but if i randomly got some shit in the mail saying he died…? i think i’d still feel some sadness over it and it makes me even more upset that he can make me feel anything when he doesn’t deserve any of it

[honeymouthedtales]

Its archive anon again. I have a headache and a part of my research paper to submit to my supervisor by 8am. But iotol DH, that fool! Do you reckon his first time with minho made him go for all the fboys? Because it was more familiar? Have been people who could've given dh the softness he craved but he couldn't see it? Maybe even subconsciously ran from it coz the minho trainwreck carved a "rule" about sex and how others see him into his poor head?

Tbh i'm not sure I agree completely. I do agree there was a rule, but I don't think it was mh's fault. The rest of my answer will be hidden because it might contain spoilers, so open it at your own risk.

First, Mh was indeed a fuckboi but he wasn't one to dh - or better, he couldn't dare being a fuckboi to dh bc dh would've clapped him like he did with his friend at the karaoke room if mh had tried to treat him like shit. Dh has dealt with being an omega and what comes with it, the kind of treatment you receive, all his life, and yet he was a well-adjusted boy with normal friendships and relationships (mk hovering threateningly next to him might've helped). He would not take shit from anyone, and i'm talking shit like fucking him and then leaving him heartbroken. It was not something mh could've done to dh bc dh would never let him.

In fact, between us, I believe dh could've seduced mh. And I think he did, a little, but also he went to him with a fwb only application and dumped him after that one time they were together, so maybe dh was the fuckboi in this situation? Let's just say that they were two people that didn't want more than what they got through their arrangement, and even stayed friends afterward /because/ dh was sure of the terms of their r/s, and knew that he had no lingering feelings for mh except for maybe sadness bc he knew mh would've found a gf and lived a happy life while dh himself wasn't sure he could do the same. This said, dh could've totally had mh... if he had wanted him. But he didn't.

And I know in the fic it's clear he has convinced himself that no one wants him, he's undeserving of love bla bla bla, he mopes about that all the time, and that's the consequence of both general social conditioning and also some specific things that happened to him. But beyond his skewed world views, the truth is that he himself didn't want any of those people, he never cared for any of them. If he had wanted someone, like truly wanted them, i am 100% convinced he would be with them bc he's a good person, he's handsome, he's smart, being an omega makes him like inherently sexy. Like, he could totally seduced someone.

But he never even tried. Clearly he doesn't want those people. And he only ever goes for people he doesn't want. Like, i'm sure someone would've been happy to date him at some point, i'm sure gay alphas exist, but dh doesn't go for them, he doesn't go for people that could try to establish a connection with him or want to date him, but only for people who won't represent anything for him and wouldn't come back to look for him (younghoon was a mistake he regretted lol).

You might be able to connect the dots now. Idk how many people will read this reply and whether this counts as a spoiler, i think most readers won't read it anyway so it's safe to say it for those few who will. Dh will never like anyone but mk. This is how i envisioned the story since the beginning. He's never liked anyone but mk, he won't like anyone but mk. He doesn't even know it yet. Like, now maybe he's starting to catch up because they've met again, but all that time they were apart, he surely wasn't aware he liked mk, but he instinctively stayed away from potential r/s, and then conveniently blamed it on being unloved boohoo. Like, his low self-esteem is a real issue here, (and the way he got it might also partly be related to mk) but it makes him unable to see what lays underneath. That's the way I have envisioned dh's character since the beginning.

Iotol starts with mk thinking about a quote about destiny and being fated pairs, but in this verse there is no scientific way to prove anything like that exists. But if something like being fated to be with each other exists, I think iotol mh could be like that, with the only difference between them was that mk got his sexual awakening earlier and was aware of it, but dh presented away from mk and didn't have a chance to meet mk in person for over an year after his sexual awakening so he just floundered about unhappy like a lady at the supermarket that only wanted that specific brand of almond cookies but she can't find them so she just grab the most discounted no-brand packet of cookies bc she needs to eat even if she hates eating them.

[aintitfierce]

GET TO KNOW YOUR ADMIN !!

NAME -- masha

PRONOUNS -- she/her, but they/them or it/its could be nice. i won't kick up a fuss to he/him, either, but it does give me a brief pause

PREFERRED COMMS -- lies down probably IMs here, unfortunately. i have 'not getting out of this chair-itis' rip also my computer (not the laptop) is like 15 years old and dying a slow death so i can't open more than a single tab and maybe my pictures folder without everything slowing to the speed of molasses on a cold day

HOWEVER, i have gotten over myself a little bit and i do have an active discord now. so i've been thinking about moving some stuff there

NAME OF MUSE -- vanya, but he prefers pretty vanya or anything similarly Fawning. he has a noticeable, unexplained fondness for being referred to as the nondescript 'creature' as well

EXPERIENCE IN RP -- my first experience with RP was in the gaiaonline forums as a teenager lmAO. i used to scrounge around in the forums for any literary magical school-based RPs. then i kinda fell away from it once i left the site. i didn't pick it back up again until after i'd been on tumblr for a few months in 2013-2014 or so, stumbled into the kung fu panda fandom and made a friend who got me into RPing canon characters through skype ghfhiieo then i opened up an ask blog in june 2014 which very quickly morphed into just a RP blog instead and the rest is history

BEST EXPERIENCES -- back on gaia i joined a roleplay which was taking place in some school for people with super powers (i was in a lot of those as u might have guessed, they were my favorites lmao). me and one other person were the only ones awake and active at one point and it was just a rapid fire interaction between our muses for a couple pages, after which we laughed at The Shenanigans bc we were pretty sure our two characters had just become the comic relief of the entire thread and wondered how the other players were going to react when they inevitably came back

honestly i just remember it being a ton of fun. that style of RP is so incredibly foreign to me now, but nostalgic

PET PEEVES / DEALBREAKERS -- i had to take a long time to think about this, and i think the number one thing that gets to me is infomodding. i very much prefer having a running tally of what our muses each know about each other and more importantly what they Don't. i wrote with someone once who would occasionally consider what they knew about my muse to be fair game for their muse to know as well, without any reasoning for how they'd know this information or when they found it out

additionally, the only other thing i can think of that does get to me pretty badly is related to pacing. like i mention below, i like interactions that feel relatively real and natural, and sometimes that means letting the conversation unfold on its own and allowing awkward silences and lulls to play out to their conclusions. it drives me a little crazy when i'm just getting comfortable in a conversational thread but my writing partner is instead evidently feeling Bored with the small talk, so they inject some drama or some other bombshell to Liven It Up and get the action rolling orz usually has killed the thread for me in the past

MUSE PREFERENCE ( FLUFF, ANGST, SMUT ) -- out of these three probably angst, but i rarely RP it bc i don't feel that i'm very good at it. also idk how Seriously people could pretty vanya angst lmao

i've done so little actual RPing with him (my own fault, tbh) that i don't really know what my preference is with him yet. him being captured by big jack bc there were rumors about him being Powerful And Rare has probably been one of my favorite interactions so far. i admittedly do enjoy writing more antagonistic interactions more than i do friendlier ones

PLOT OR MEMES -- my Natural State is that of a pantser, to be completely honest, but there's a special place in my heart for plotted threads. i do enjoy laying out the basics and then letting it go with a check-in every now and again when one of us is running out juice or Unsure about anything

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES -- either or. i'm no good at one-liners, and i struggle with novella length (condensing my partner's response into something i can reply to while being careful to keep the story Moving takes a lot of brainpower for me). i do however love replies and threads and partners, perhaps, who are okay with letting some parts of the conversation Drop and potentially come back into play later. i like that sense of continuity, where it feels like a real or natural interaction two people might have with lulls in the conversation and callbacks

BEST TIME TO WRITE -- at this point i have no clue wheezes

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE? -- lord i hope not lmao