#not just a neurotypical person but an autistic person as well..just failing at being a person

[buildarocketboys]

Man nothing like talking to other writers to make you feel like you're not a proper writer

[drchucktingle]

buckaroo responses

we are having some good talks on twitter so wanted to copy and paste here for tumblr buds to see. here are three responses to my post about buds not believing in chucks sincerity.

BUCKAROO RESPONSE #1: This is so valid! Just because your work includes humor doesn't mean *you* are a joke and being treated that way hurts

CHUCK: dang perfect summary in one tweet that took me a whole handful of rambling posts to get to. yes. this is it exactly. thank you bud

BUCKAROO RESPONSE #2: I kind of have a thought about this, because there's a type of neurotypical behaviour that IS like this and is meant to be inclusive -- but often fails, especially online. It's a combination of ongoing jokes (T-Rex arms is one of those) and a weird kind of teasing ...

CHUCK: wow yes. absolutely. it is neurotypical buds trying to be inclusive with 'jokes' that are not landing right because 1 my art is sincere and 2 being autistic means i rarely 'get' jokes like this. this is good clarity and probably why it does not upset me. i know they mean well

BUCKAROO RESPONSE #3: I think that a lot of people (including me, at one point) see the concept for things like Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt and get hung up on the perceived absurdity, thinking that's the point. They're not looking at it as a deliberate choice intended to express something.

CHUCK: thank you also great comment. i think my work has a lot of ABSURDITY but in the 'philosophical sense' not the 'comedy sense'. in many ways my personal beliefs are absurdist standing in opposition to nihilism and without awareness of these philosophies it can seem like a joke

[thesudokukid]

Finished one of my fics recently, added a surprise one-shot to another. Figured it couldn't hurt to poke my toe into the water with my most popular fic. See if posting on Tumblr is a good idea for me.

Personal Question (why are you apologizing)

Pairing: Autistic! Connor x Autistic! Nonbinary! Reader

Word Count: 2433

AO3 Next: Basic Decency (we're being watched)

Machine Connor Variant on AO3 On Tumblr

“Why are you apologizing?”

Four words you have always wanted to hear after an infodumping session. Four impossible, sacred words induce the sweetest pain you've ever felt.

You can't have heard him right. That has to be wishful thinking on your part. Right? Right?

In which Connor asks you a personal question, as he does, you infodump in response, and experience two miracles in the same day.

This is aimed at other autistic people. I wrote this in the hopes of giving myself catharsis and am sharing it on the grounds that other autistic people may find it cathartic too.

Alternating POV fic under the cut!

“Detective,” Connor says. “Would you mind overly much if I asked you a personal question?”

He reminds you so much of you with that question, you can't help but shake your head and grin, “Of course not, go ahead.”

“This ought to be fuckin' good,” your dad grumbles.

“Why did you choose to pursue a dual degree and not a double major? From my understanding, attending university as a neurodivergent student is hard enough, a dual degree on top of that must have been…”

Oh, that. It's a good opener for a casual conversation with you. Curious and sympathetic to what you must have suffered without tripping over itself to do so.

“It was hell on earth some days, make no mistake. The workload alone-”

At this point you laugh so long he looks honestly alarmed by it. Seeing this, you shake your head.

“I figured if I’m gonna fail, I might as well fail because I dreamed too big and not because I couldn't hack it in general. The fact that psychology is one of my special interests was also pretty helpful.”

For a second Connor looks interested. Actually genuinely interested. This is interrupted by your dad coughing out of nowhere. And also Connor looking around like there's some kind of active threat happening. As soon as he realizes there's not, he comes back to the conversation and just…tilts his head. Maybe that interest wouldn't mean much to a neurotypical but for you? For you who’ve masked so long you don't even allow yourself to engage in your special interests anymore? It's everything.

You can't help the smile that breaks onto your face. Because for a minute, for a moment, for just a little while…someone actually wants to hear you talk about your special interests. And since it's been so long, you go at it a lot harder than you otherwise might have. Even mentioning your first special interest.

—

“Using my first special interest of Titanic as an example, if the devil were to walk up to me and tell me that I would be able to learn everything there is to know about the Titanic, absolutely everything, within my lifetime in exchange for my soul? Could not make that deal fast enough. Wouldn't read the fine print.”

Connor leans forward as well as he can. At the moment, nothing matters more to him than this. He doesn't quite understand why. Only that the social integration protocol isn't even a factor at this point.

“Explain?”

The resulting smile is so bright it could outshine the sun itself. The Detective begins to speak more loudly, more quickly. Stumbling over their words in their excitement to share their interest.

“Devil would be utterly terrified of how quickly I agreed. And not only that, I would honestly feel like I got the better end of the deal out of that one. By a long shot. The Devil would have to give me absolutely everything and even then it still wouldn't be enough. I would annoy the Devil so much I would be given my soul again just so I’d stop being so much of a bother about it and as you can probably surmise that absolutely would not work.”

The Detective laughs and shrugs casually, for once, perfectly at ease. There's even a sunny smile on their face.

“By virtue of being my first special interest it’s also the most intense but that's generally how I feel about psychology as well. You can imagine how much of a boon that was under those circumstances I’m sure.”

They blink and perhaps three seconds later, the joy recedes and their bright smile fades. Only to be replaced by a brittle smile.

—

That last sentence… You’re infodumping. You get your first chance to talk about your special interest to someone outside your family in years and you fucking blew it by infodumping. Of course you did. Of course you did. Your throat’s gone dry, your face has gone hot. You're maybe five seconds of bursting into tears at best. You force yourself to disengage. To avoid thinking about how desperately lonely it is to not be able to talk about your special interests at all. To force yourself not to infodump. You're so tired of hiding. But even still, you have to.

You give yourself one last moment to feel grief for who you're not allowed to be. To feel pathetic for not having a normal level of interest in something so deeply important to you. And then you claw off the part of you that clings like a barnacle to such childish things.

“And I just realized I did a fucking infodump. God that's embarrassing.”

It tries to hurt. It wants to hurt. You smother the feeling and roll your eyes at yourself as you explain what infodumping is.

“It boils down to dropping a whole lot of info about a topic at once. And I don't typically notice when someone has gotten bored or disinterested or is trying to leave the conversation and I…got too emotional. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.”

Detach. Detach. Detach. Detach. Don't feel interest. Don’t show interest. You feel nothing.

You only realize that your past self is clinging to its special interests again when it digs in at Connor’s apparent “no, wait” look. Is-Is he actually interested?

There's no way. There isn't. It's absolutely impossible. You're just seeing what you want to see.

And then… And then… A miracle.

—

“Why are you apologizing?”

Four words you have always wanted to hear after an infodumping session. Four impossible, sacred words induce the sweetest pain you've ever felt.

You can't have heard him right. That has to be wishful thinking on your part. Right? Right?

You blink at him a few times and take a sip of your drink. You look up at the rainy sky, half expecting to see a winged pig fly by. You look back at Connor.

“Genuine question so please hear me out,” you say. Connor nods instantly and you're so relieved you could cry, “Did you actually ask what I’m hoping you asked? Because I’ve wanted someone to say that for so long I am honestly afraid that I’m hallucinating.”

“You aren't imagining or hallucinating anything,” Connor says. “I did in fact ask why you were apologizing for infodumping. Is there a specific reason you felt imagining it was the more likely option?”

There are tears trying to come out of your eyes right now. If you tell him now, right now, they're going to fall and won't stop falling until you can finish your grief of having to suppress who you really are. Feeling childish for having genuine all-consuming passion. The kind of emotional breakdown that’s best to have in private.

He seems genuinely interested in getting to know you and as much as you would be delighted to allow him to, you can't. At least, not right now.

“As much as I’d like to answer that question, that's best saved for a long drawn out conversation. You can call me Ainsel by the way. Internal systems only. For your specific serial number. To make up for the fact that I’m not answering that personal question yet. Sure we're all on a lunch break now but that's gonna end eventually and then it's back to work. Also, I might have a breakdown about it. Lot of grieving to do there.”

“Oh,” he says. It feels like a stab to the heart the way he looks like a wounded puppy about it. Not unlike the way you probably did when you first realized most people don't have a special interest in psychology. That most people will never understand that you express affection by studying them like a bug under a microscope. Most people are in fact deeply offended by it. In his case the worry seems to be that he hurt your feelings or brought up painful memories.

“I’m sorry.”

He gets up and gets in the car. If you don't follow him now, he's going to start suppressing his interest just like you did and oh God he's autistic isn't he?

You were done with your lunch anyway so you toss its detritus and go sit in the car with him. Your dad is still sitting there, eating his lunch.

You look in the general direction of the rear view mirror where Connor is staring at you. Watching, watching, analyzing you. He's like you. The thought settles your stomach more than you imagined possible.

—

Connor is keenly aware of Ainsel's presence the moment they enter their father's vehicle. Eyes sticking to them like a magnet via the rear view mirror, unable and unwilling to let go.

Fortunately they don't seem to be offended by the attention. His eyes move away the second Ainsel's eyes catch his, suddenly forced to remember his place in the world. They're a human. He's an android. They don't owe him anything. They never did. They're meant to have a one way relationship. He owes them an answer to their questions. Not the other way around. He certainly has no right to ask them something so immensely personal without warning.

He opens his mouth to apologize for the discomfort he previously caused them and finds himself surprised by Ainsel's shake of the head.

“You don't owe me an apology. I wasn't offended. About the staring or asking about something personal. I never said that I wouldn't answer the question or that I had better things to do with my time. I didn't even say that it was too painful to answer at all. I only said it was too painful to answer that question during work hours. That is a whole separate thing and idea from your perception that your personal question brought up too many bad memories for me to answer it at all.”

It's here that his programming confirms it would be a waste of time to ingratiate himself with the Lieutenant rather than Ainsel. For someone so immensely private to tell him their name, or something akin to their name, can only speak well of how much goodwill they have towards him already.

And even aside from that, it doesn't make what just happened right. It's him who should be comforting them, not the other way around. He shouldn't even need it.

Decision made. Connor gets out of the car and into the backseat where he closes the door.

—

Your hands start to move, ready and willing to tap out the rhythm of Shave and a Haircut. You force them to be still. You don't want them to be. You really, really don't want them to be. But you’ve had too much good luck today. You don't want to press it by stimming in a way that's actually noticeable. Once you uncork that bottle it won't want to be recorked. Connor might be fine with it. Maybe. He was fine with your info-dumping at him after all. And not even that, he seemed honestly upset that you stopped info-dumping.

But just because he's fine with one visible autistic trait doesn't mean he'll be fine with another. His coin tricks might, maybe, be a stim but you haven't known him too long so it's hard to tell.

You bring your hands closer together, to interlock them in an effort to keep yourself from stimming. They start trembling as if in response. Almost like they're trying to reassure you that you can stim, really, it's fine.

You bite your lip and prepare to ignore the reassurance. And then another miracle.

Connor sticks a hand between both of yours and very gently, very carefully stops you from locking your hands together by pulling them apart.

There's someone else it wouldn't have worked for. Hell, for you, that may not have even worked if you hadn't realized he was autistic like you. But right now, in this moment, for you? It was exactly the right thing to do.

Apparently your calmness is showing on your face because Connor pulls back his hands and watches as you sigh from relief and lean back against the window for a minute.

You shake the previous tension out of your hands and then let them do what they wanted to earlier. They clap out Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits loud enough your hands actually hurt afterwards. But it's a good kind of pain. Necessary. Because it means that you're healing.

—

Seeing that Ainsel seems to be feeling much better, Connor tries to reassure them he isn't going to think less of them for their autistic traits.

“Perhaps sharing the level of information you did earlier at the speed you shared it would have been too much for a human. But I’m not human, am I? You needn't feel contrition or have any qualms about potentially being unpredictable. After all, adaptation to human unpredictability is one of my many features. As for the other issue…”

Connor takes out his coin and rolls it over his knuckles once or twice before returning it to its place in his pocket.

Connor grins wolfishly and tries tossing in a wink for good measure, in an effort to help Ainsel know not only that he's on their side but that he truly means what he's saying. And for… something else. He's not sure why. It doesn't matter what the other reason is in the end. His point is made all the same.

He's made a gaping hole in Ainsel's ability to self-reproach for infodumping at him. And in so doing is tacitly encouraging them to do it more. The aim, in general, is discouraging any attempts to blame themselves for giving him heaps of information on something they're so obviously exuberant about. Because he's one of the few people in the world who can actually keep up with them. Who can process it as fast as they share it or even faster.

He stays in the backseat a while longer. For the sake of getting to know Ainsel better. So he can more easily predict their behavior. Or so he tells himself.

The Lieutenant knocks on the window in the middle of Connor asking Ainsel a safe, inoffensive question about their favorite animal, startling them both.

“Am I interrupting something,” the Lieutenant asks.

Ainsel squints at the man and shrugs. “Depends on your definition of interrupting.”

Connor takes this as his cue to head back to the front passenger seat. As he gets into the seat, trying not to be disappointed by having his conversation with Ainsel interrupted.

[arkus-rhapsode]

So Rudo and Follo in Gachiakuta Chapter 117... (Mini Discussion)

So the newest Gachiakuta chapter came out yesterday. A bit of a breather chapter after the last few revelations that ended up adding to the character of Follo. However something happened in this chapter that caught my eye.

So for a brief summary, during the last arc of Gachiakuta, Rudo and Follo swapped clothes to trick Kuro the Information Broker. Follo has been a pretty reoccurring side character, portrayed as a Cleaner assistant who helps in combat but aims at being an actual Giver. Follo though really could only contribute to their fight in small ways. So of course he feels a bit guilty and wants to give Rudo a replacement uniform. But Rudo rejects it.

Now, for those not aware I personal interpret Rudo as an autistic character. I have a whole big post about it, that can be read here. Where I go into a level of detail on why this is my reading of the character though I'm not going to say for certain that this was an intentional choice on the part of Kei Urana the author. But one such piece of evidence to my forming of this perspective is Rudo has an affinity for broken things and has a hyper fixation to fixing them.

Because of this we can infer that why Rudo rejects Follo's gift of a new uniform is because Rudo himself wouldn't throw away an object that he sees value in even if its damaged. Now it could've stopped there, but this moment between Follo and Rudo continues with Follo trying to convince Rudo to take his new uniform.

At first Follo is clearly sheepish about this. There's a guilt inside him for how things turned out and this is how he chooses to apologize. Its small, but its the best he can do. However, when presenting Rudo the gift we see this-

Follo bucks up, covering up his guilty feelings and just trying to apologize to Rudo indirectly. But Rudo rejects this, as stated previously, Rudo's fixation on not abandoning items that he sees value in is part of who he is. Even something as simple as his uniform is his. So naturally we can understand that when Follo acts like this isn't a big deal but he should change, Rudo rejects it.

And so Follo just relents and walks away, frustrated in himself and how once again his contributions don't help at all.

So... one of the common signifiers of being on the Autism Spectrum is an inability to read social cues. A common thing in polite society is to sometimes communicate without saying things. Some people can pick up on these very easy, reading a person's emotion and their non-verbal forms of communication like gestures. But there is a level of social unawareness in individuals on the Autistic Spectrum who fail at these readings. This can be in a variety of reasons such as not understanding the difference in someone's tone, difficulty in reading facial expressions, and inability to understand indirect intentions of an individual. These can often times lead to unfortunate or awkward situations where the Autistic Individual has hurt a person's feeling or misinterprets a person's intentions without fully understanding why-making it harder for them to learn what they did wrong. It can also be very unfortunate for the neurotypical individual who has these feelings and can feel as if the Autistic Individual is being insensitive to them and their emotional state.

We see both sides of that situation here with Rudo and Follo. We already have been inside Rudo's head in this story. We know why he feels the wy that he feels. We can get into his mind space. That's why this exchange is don't from the perspective of Follo's headspace. We can see his internal guilt as well as his feelings of inferiority to someone like Rudo. But Rudo can't. Rudo only yes Follo trying to give him a uniform and it not being a big deal. But afterwards we continue to see Follo's mind space and how he saw this exchange with Rudo. Reliving how much other regular people around him consider his job lame and being a lackey to people more special than him. With Rudo's rejection of the new uniform being seen harshly and coldly through Follo's eyes.

Now of course, I didn't want this post to be a "Rudo is Autistic and Here's Why!" While I have said that is my personal interpretation of the character and do have a chapter like this to be another reaffirmation of that belief, I think it is worth acknowledging that Gachiakuta is a series with a very prevalent underlying theme of people's feelings and how those are manifested and communicated with.

Characters like Zanka try to hide their real feelings of elation at praise because they don't consider themselves a genius and get a full head. Rudo's powers enhance the "feelings" an object may hold such as Griss's good luck charm that Gross wore because he wanted everyone to be safe and thus it turned into a defensive power for Rudo. Amp is a character whose twisted sense of love ensures other people trapping them in their good memories etc.

This feels like a natural extension of that theme. Follo is holding these emotions and as such Rudo is unable to truly understand the "why" of Follo's act. While I said that inability to read social cues is part of indicators of those on the spectrum may experience, I don't want to discount there are likely Neurotypical people who have had moments of this. If someone doesn't tell you how they feel then how can you act accordingly? Urana takes a very empathetic approach with her characters. And being able to see why they feel the way that they do is important for making that connection. Its when Amo is honest about her backstory and why she developed her interpretation of love and Rudo admits his own fault for the frustrations that he feels about having his emotions played with were the two ultimately able to reach out and connect with one another.

In the case of Follo and Rudo, Follo isn't making that known. So all Rudo can do is act as he usually does when it comes to damaged items. I don't know if this was added in translation or if the original Japanese is a similar, but props to Rudo's rejection being "No. Thank You." Rather than a frank "No." Its a perfect knife twist, because Rudo is clearly trying to have some manners in his rejection, but Follo still sees it so cold and is hurt by it. It really makes both these characters feel justified in both dismissal and frustration. And its all done in a non lecturing type of way. Its people being people and we are allowed to be inside their heads.

Anyway, this chapter of Gachiakuta surprisingly got to me. And I really want to make a discussion on why. Hope Urana keeps on dropping bangers like this.

[generational-atrophy]

tangerine with an autistic s/o

0.7k words ~ gender neutral headcanons

tw: mention of ableism and subsequent violence

a/n: its my account i write what i want

Being somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum himself (don’t @ me,) along with his brother being autistic, it’s unlikely that Tangerine would end up with someone neurotypical anyway.

Constantly nicks you stim toys. It’s like a challenge to him since they’re usually bright and loud somehow.

He finds it so cute when you miss social cues, but he’d never say anything about it to you. He knows it can be embarrassing, and he doesn’t mind explaining what people mean.

He’s endlessly paranoid about the people he loves, so expect constant check-ins. Whenever you’re in public, he likes to hold your hand tight so he knows you’re safe (which is so, so nice when you’re in a crowd.)

When you’re on the verge of going non-verbal or having a meltdown, he notices immediately and gets you out of there. If anyone tries to say anything, he doesn’t even give them the time to do so.

“An’ who are you now? Nobody, tha’s right, fuck off.”

Whenever you talk about your special interests, he pretends he isn’t interested. He’ll sigh and make stupid snarky comments, but if you look closely, you can tell he’s still smiling a little. In reality, he doesn’t mind.

“Right, calm down luv, it’s really not tha’ big of a deal,”

“It’s a big deal to me!”

He sighs heavily and leans back in his chair before speaking again, “An’ by extension… me, now?”

“Yes!” Your ecstatic expression makes him groan, but he still has to cover his mouth to hide his smile.

But still, you might not notice he was really listening until he offhandedly makes a comment that only someone who had been paying crazy close attention would know. 

He might even know things you don’t, just because he comes to associate whatever you love with you. It comforts him to engage with your interests when you’re separated.

As you already know, Tangerine is a prickly person. Normally, he’s quite prone to anger and fits; but with you, he does his best to always remain level-headed. He doesn’t want to hurt you, especially he knows how sensitive you can be to anger. But he can’t help it sometimes. He’d never yell at you, at least. Anything too harsh is apologized for quickly. 

He’s working on it. You are one of the two most important people in his life, after all.

Speaking of which, expect to spend a lot of time with Lemon. Especially at the beginning of your relationship. He’s very nervous to make the wrong move and scare you off, and knowing that Lemon (also autistic) is there makes him worry a lot less. 

Generally, he doesn’t take criticism very well… especially when it comes to his behaviour… but he does try to be as receptive as he can when you’re the one criticising him.

Ableists get the shit beat out of them. Every time. Without fail. He will not stop this even when you ask. Although, if it makes you cry seeing him do that, he might stop himself early just so he can take you home and comfort you. 

Making you cry is the ultimate sin to him.

Even more “extreme” stims and tics don’t bother him. He just tends to tune them out like he does anything else.

He also might be even more vigilant about bringing along your comfort/accessibility items. Before you leave the house, he grabs you by the shoulder and checks you have everything. Again, paranoid.

Along with that, he may be a little infantilizing sometimes. He wants to always be by your side to make sure you’re alright, which can become… frustrating.

Like yes, it’s nice that he wants to drive you everywhere so you don’t have to worry about driving yourself or taking public transportation, but also you’re perfectly capable of doing those things by yourself (or if you’re not, I guess he’s just your knight in shining armour.)

If you’re otherwise incapable of doing some things, like speaking or cooking or whatever, he really doesn’t mind doing them for you. It makes him feel even more like your protector, which makes him so, so happy. As long as you pay him in affection, he won’t complain.

Actually, that’s not true. He complains about everything. But you’ll quickly learn what is “real” complaining, and what is just him being like that.

“Sweetheart, I wan’ you to know tha’ if anyone ever said anythin’ about you tha’s like- rude, in any way, I woul’ personally blow their brains out, understand?”

[funnywormz]

I think this shitshow with Toshiro stems from the trend of people INSISTING that interpersonal conflict must be a moral failing. Like I think there's something to be said about how people afford so much less patience to people who are autistic in the "wrong" ways, but also Laios and Toshiro just clash on a fundamental level that has nothing to do with that. Hell, you could read Toshiro as autistic as well. People related to Laios' side of the argument but instead of getting any nuance out of it they started projecting their experiences with ableist people onto Toshiro.

AGREE AGREE AGREE. i think that Fandom Brain gets people very used to thinking of conflicts in terms of "who is the bad guy and who is the good guy", so when they encounter a more nuanced conflict they don't really know what to do. i don't think toshiro is a bad person at all, in his conflict with laios he's just exhausted and starving and has been pushed to the limit and from his perspective, laios doesn't even seem that emotionally affected by the situation. i don't think what he said was right and it was pretty cruel, but i don't think he's a villain or deserves to be permanently hated as a character just bc he fucked up this time lol

also yeah you could definitely read him as autistic, and i think that highlights an issue in the autistic community in general bc like....... a lot of autistic people have conflicting needs which can lead to conflict between them/make them unable to stand being around each other. and it's not because either of them are neurotypical or bad people, they're just incompatible. like autistic people who loudly stim vocally and autistic people who meltdown when they have to be around loud noises, for example. it doesn't mean either of them is bad or not autistic, just that they have conflicting needs

i 100% agree with the last part too. i disliked toshiro at first myself bc i had been (and still do ngl) projecting onto laios hard and the conflict they had reminded me of times when people have been mean or angry at me irl for social blunders i've made unintentionally, or when someone i thought liked me/was my friend turned out to actually hate me. it's a common experience for autistic people and that scene resonates with that! but i think it also helps to take a step back from projecting our own traumatic experiences onto the scene and just look at it objectively. laios isn't perfect either and he's the one who actually starts the physical fight by slapping toshiro (i feel like i don't see many people mention this lol). i feel super bad for him in that scene but he's not a perfect victim and has done things wrong himself too

as an autistic person i've also been in situations where i can relate to toshiro too lol, like where someone is overly physically and emotionally familiar with me when we don't know each other well and i've wanted them to back off but haven't been sure how to say it without hurting their feelings. this kind of conflict is far from just being a "neurotypical vs neurodivergent" thing as a lot of people portray it in the fandom

idk i just wish people would think a little more deeply about the scene and put their own emotions and experiences aside to instead consider the conflict with the added context of the individual characters and their respective cultures + the situation they're in. people don't have to like toshiro but i wish they wouldn't paint him as a villain or make up awful shit about him just to justify their feelings when he isn't even that bad of a dude in canon yknow 😑. also we literally see him at rock bottom struggling and freaking out and i think that's important to remember. in a different context i doubt he would have ever said those things to laios

[musashi]

Pffff you sure do manage to piss a lot of people off, and not know why or how. Perhaps you should look inward.

i'd love to look inward, unfortunately these people i piss off never actually give me anything to work with. they'll say like "wendy, you eat babies" and then i say "can i have an example of when you saw me eat a baby" and then they block and ghost me and i go to my friends like "hey, did you ever see me eating babies? i'm trying to figure this out" and they all unanimously are like "uh no we never saw anything like that??? you did look at a baby once, maybe someone misunderstood???" and then five years pass and the person mad at me for eating babies leaves a long apology in my inbox and i connect with them through DMs and say "i'm just still confused. can you explain the thing where you said i ate babies? like do you remember what made you say that?" and without fail every time they reply "i don't know man, it just seemed right to say at the time."

i'm actually quite interested in bettering myself, and a great deal of my vent posts on here DO end with "i just don't understand" because of that desire. but i think a lot of people really do just forget that i am autistic and a huge part of autism is needing very clear examples of situations/behaviour/whatever. asking lots of questions, receiving lots of clarification, etc. with how mean and quick to abandon people have gotten on the internet lately, no one wants to give me that actionable feedback, or sit with me and help me understand what i might have done wrong/inelegantly. most of them just get angry, take my "maybe we should sit on this and come back to it later?" as an insult, and block me without answer.

currently, the person maligning me fully believes that i'm not "disabled" enough, claims i am "low support," and quite literally said "all [wendy's] symptoms [of disability] improve their life." i think this is very telling of a larger picture--people see how well i hide my cracks, how i boast my function, and how happy i am despite being disabled and file me away in their head as an arrogant neurotypical who is a little bit quirky.

but i would like to remind you, anon, that i am autistic. i am disabled. my social functioning is atypical. my way of understanding myself, my actions, and how those all mesh with the people i share a space with is atypical. "look inward" is great advice, and though I think you were trying to be mean, i welcome it with open arms! however, "look inward" only helps when i have additional help to guide me toward what exactly inward i am looking for. so, in this case, it is a little misguided.

if anyone who KNOWS ME PERSONALLY NOT ON TUMBLR who hates my fucking guts would like to give me some examples of how i act/talk/exist and why it makes them want to set a library on fire i am always, at any given moment, eagerly awaiting that feedback. but currently, the feedback is "none at all." every single person who has had a problem with me for the last half-decade of my life has simply blown up on me over things i did not do/intend/understand, or hardblocked me without a conversation and left me clueless as to what i did wrong.

until someone (friend or foe) is willing to actually communicate with me instead of being a sniveling coward, i will never know where inward to look. them's the breaks!

[thoughtportal]

As someone who has always existed on the fringes of society, it may shock people to find that the most destabilising part of my marginalisation that undercut all my identities – being neurodiverse – is the only one I really started to understand well into adulthood. It was the only time I had a name for it, and I could express to people what I meant by it and how it impacted my life. Growing up and understanding that neurodiversity existed beyond white boys who were autistic, Jodie Hare’s Autism is Not A Disease: The Politics of Neurodiversity is a perfect foundational book encouraging us to challenge misconceptions we have on neurodiversity namely autism, through key concepts and her own experiences as an autistic person.

The book opens by highlighting the juxtaposition that exists between the growth of the neurodiversity movement in parallel to a very stagnant understanding of neurodiversity, particularly autism. Hare points out how neurodiversity has started to be weaponised by people who understand it the least, including the state, for their own agendas at the individual, collective and structural levels of society, contributing to ‘the word being stripped of its political potential’. 

A misunderstood yet growing movement

Hare’s introduction where she points to the flaws and implications of such rigid understandings and applications of disabilities and neurodivergence resonates especially. Through the retelling of the history of neurodiversity with specific focus on autism, Hare highlights Judy Singer as the propagator of the idea of neurodiversity. I wish Hare had illuminated the present controversies surrounding Singer and how she has deliberately chosen to sideline online autistic communities who not only developed the idea of neurodiversity but also organised around it. What is even more terrifying is Singer’s lack of political consistency as she fails to make the links with the collective struggles of the transgender community and chooses to contribute to their discrimination and the transphobia they face. So whilst Hare is wrong in her illumination that Singer popularised the term neurodiversity from online communities, she is correct in illuminating that Singer was not the first to theorise about  and offers alternative beginnings that contributed and moved our understanding of autism – a history I was not even aware of.

Our medicalised understanding of autism in particular can be traced to Eugen Blueler, who coined the term in 1911. Phsyciatrist Leo Kanner built on this foundation, introducing the concept of autism to the world in 1943. Singer’s own contribution was to encourage a paradigm shift in understanding for people with autism and beyond that that their difficulties were not symptoms of disorders or disease: it was not just about having autism versus not having autism, or being normal versus pathological but that there were direct and devastating consequences of living in a world organised to meet the needs of the neurotypical or neuroconformist majority.

Despite ongoing complaints around online spaces enabling self-diagnosis, Hare demonstrates in her book that the significance of internet chatrooms, forums and culture is normal in linking neurodiverse people with one another. Hare highlights through Singer’s own research on the internet that this only further helps strengthen our shared experiences and our calls to liberation for those who do not exist in a neuroconformist reality. 

Introducing readers to these foundational concepts, Hare enables her book to be in conversation with more advanced and critical understandings of neurodiversity such as Robert Chapman’s Empire of Normality which highlights the limitations of viewing neurodivergence, in this context autism, as being good or bad. Chapman builds on this by rejecting binarised value based judgments and instead calls for a holistic focus on the impact of autism on our other cognitive functions. For me, this understanding is important because it provides an opportunity for people, at different starting points in understanding their diagnosis or lack of, in relation to the world, to find and demand the resources and support they need – whatever that may look like.  

As someone who still does not understand their neurodiversity, it was really important for Hare to introduce ideas of neurodiversity and the framework it exists in away from a pathologilising model because of how limiting definitions and boundaries of neurodivergence are. Which of my mental illnesses make me neurodiverse? Where do these experiences of neurodivergence start, meet and end? How do they interact with one another? Most importantly, what are the implications for me, someone who is already pathologised, in the world?

I found how Hare forces us to think about the language we use within the neurodivergence framework useful, not only because attempts to be politically correct for autistics or more generally disabled people (i.e. the use of ‘person with autism’ or ‘person with disability’ respectively) end up contributing to disableist discrimination and ironically pathologise them even more by their experiences into a disease. 

Neurodivergence in our other collective struggles

I particularly enjoyed how Hare linked her ideas on the problematic nature of categorising forms of neurodivergence like autism as diseases because it reaffirms my own thoughts towards how biased such categories can be. Many disease categories reflect how the world is organised and binarised, whereas the experience of any disease does not exist in these confines. This is made clear by Hare’s unpacking the political nature of neurodivergence as she explores the discrimination, brutulisation and violent victimisation autistic people face in their lives. Importantly, Hare highlights the unspoken element of the neurodiversity movement – as with many liberation movements – the disproportionate impact of neurodivergence, on people from minoritised communities. 

Discrimination is never distributed universally. I wish Hare explored the layers of oppression neurodivergent people, especially autistic people, face in more depth, for example a black women with co-existing disabilities like me. I have often had to over-explain myself to people for being perceived as intense and too direct in my communication – which I find very normal – but have had to learn that these are not accepted in any ‘normal’ social setting.

Hare begins (and I wish she never stopped) dismantle the misconception that autism is only prevalent amongst white men. In doing so, she illustrates the many barriers it creates for anyone who is not white, cisheteromormative, disabled in any other way, a man and especially – neurodiverse in a palatable way to actually get diagnosed (if they want or need it), and receive any support. 

Hare asks that we proceed in our campaigning beyond the buzzwords and aesthetics of the neurodiversity campaign by understanding the architecture, function and power of language we use

This is useful for thinking about the next steps Hare hints at, which is refusing to adjust or ‘mask’ our behaviours just to fit into a  disableist society – not only because of what it takes away from neurodiverse  individuals and their communities but because of the hostility it normalises for them. Rightfully, the message here is that those who are neuroconformist, should meet the rest of us where we are.

Exploiting neurodivergence

In her final chapter, of the book describes how neurodiversity is framed as a ‘superpower’ to be exploited by neoliberalism. This exists directly in tandem with the shame the UK government lauds over disabled people trying (and often failing) to access the support they are entitled to through the welfare systems – rather than solving the problem of our disenfranchisment, as Chapman states, we recreate the same harmful neoliberalism under the guise of performative ‘neuro-inclusivity’.

Hare acknowledges that we have made some progress, but calls for more political urgency as we think about how to reorganise our societies, our cognitive functions and disability in these discussions within the wider neurodiversity campaign. She asks that we are mindful and we proceed in our campaigning beyond the buzzwords and aesthetics of the neurodiversity campaign by understanding the architecture, function and power of language we use, to root our work in the Care Manifesto proposed by the Care Collective in the absence of a well-funded, non-privatised health and social care system, and most importantly that we employ greater nuance in our understanding of autism and neurodiversity more generally. This understanding should be a continuous process, one where we all remain teachable, where we are able to learn and unlearn, re-negotiate everything we know, so autistic people and by extension neurodivergents can live their lives in a better world and be valued as they are. 

[paperlunamoth]

There is such a disconnect between the way people talk about autistic people and the way they actually treat them. I've heard people say so much and read people post/comment so much about how important it is to be considerate of autistic people, and the fact that they are different, and the ways that they are different, how important it is to be kind and understanding towards them. But then people actually interact with a real autistic person and their behavior is downright vitriolic, and they act like autism is just being "quirky" or having sensory issues and completely ignore the whole "autistic people struggle with social interaction" part. Like yes, actually, sometimes people are rude specifically because they're autistic. Sometimes people are inappropriate because they're autistic. Sometimes people are annoying because they're autistic. That's just what happens when someone struggles with understanding social conventions and the thousands of unspoken rules that dictate neurotypical interaction, and has a hard time predicting how others will respond to things they say or do. Every time I see "well autism isn't an excuse to do X" when "X" is like, not realizing that maybe someone doesn't want to hear about whatever they want to talk about, or not reading the room correctly, or not understanding why someone would be offended by something, I want to rip my hair out. Struggling with socialization is a core symptom of autism. It is something that can affect an autistic person's life in every way, and in some cases severely impact their ability to form and/or maintain relationships of all kinds. When you act like a person's lack of social graces due to autism are a deliberate personal choice, you help perpetuate the idea that being autistic just means being dorky or having special interests or being a picky eater, and that it's this ultimately very superficial thing that just makes someone a little quirky and has no larger impact on them. Like no. The social difficulties that come with autism can be legitimately debilitating for some people, and yes, those people can be a pain to deal with sometimes and yes, you're allowed to be frustrated or annoyed or embarrassed by their behavior, but no, it is not okay to act like an autistic person being socially inept must be purposeful or a choice. Social difficulties in autistic people should be regarded as an incurable symptom of an incurable illness and not as a deliberate moral failing, because they are an incurable symptom of an incurable illness and not a deliberate moral failing.

[narcissism-positivity]

hallo !! i have a question

so, i'm newly aware of my possible npd, and in the process of self diagnosis (aka tracking my symptoms over a couple months just to double check they exist and such). but i'm also autistic and the dsm constantly confuses me with its last section about disorders' effect on daily life. how severe/often would you say symptoms have to be/occur in order to qualify for diagnosis ? have a lovely day btw, your blog is an amazing source for all things npd and extremely helpful !!

Hello! Congrats on the discovery, and great idea to track your symptoms over time!

So, obvious disclaimer that I’m not a professional physician and cannot diagnose you with any disorder. But in general, the DSM-V is pretty vague when it comes to defining exactly how often symptoms need to present.

The DSM-V says, instead, that symptoms must be “consistent across a broad range of personal and social situations”. So, you don’t have to be dreaming about being a celebrity figure every second of your life, but you do have to idealize being the center of attention in most situations (even if when this actually happens it’s terrifying, since being the center of attention can feel like there’s even more pressure on you to succeed).

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

As for severity? This is where it gets highly subjective. The DSM is all about determining if you’re viewed as pathological by insurance companies, so typically their ways to quantify if you’re “severe enough” to warrant diagnoses is based on if you aren’t succeeding in socially acceptable ways.

For example, I’d often break down sobbing right before or during exams in school, because I was so afraid of doing poorly. This of course actually ended with me failing way more exams, and that’s viewed as pathological because academic success is entwined with capitalistic standards of achievement.

This is what the DSM means by “impairing social functioning”. And yeah, it’s going to cross over with the medical industrial complex’s poor views on neurodivergent people as well. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a steady job or high test scores if you’re not dating or hanging out at the after-work parties.

TL:DR; if you don’t function like a neurotypical and find yourself relating to most of the DSM criteria for NPD, you’re likely a narc! Welcome to the club. ⭐️

[squuote]

We know so very little about Mariella, but I think her existence as an entity similar enough to Stanley to be narrated in the same structure is very interesting. A lot of people take a lot of liberties with her when they include her in fanfics/other fanworks, often making her somewhat of a straightman, a force of sensibility and stability (and often emotional intelligence)-- which is great!! I love seeing people have fun with her, and it's often good to have foils to Utter Disaster characterizations of Stanley and Narrator-- but personally I see her as... well, as more of a parallel to Stanley, especially with both of them occupying a "protagonist"/"office worker" role when seen.

TSP/TSPUD is constantly operating on at least five levels of meta simultaneously, so it's hard to discern exactly how reliable any information is, or what level of meta it should be read on. Mariella's described presence is her witnessing the destruction of Stanley in "the real world" and simply being glad that it isn't her before moving on. I think this actually speaks to a distinct LACK of emotional intelligence, or at least self-awareness, perhaps to outright denial/willful ignorance-- within the narrative put forth by the Narrator, Mariella appears to be self-conscious, perhaps even defensive, her first instinct self-protective and self-assuring-- "that isn't me. I'm sane. How fortunate that I am sane. How fortunate that isn't me." The irony of Mariella is, of course, that she is ALSO simply a vessel narrated and controlled by the Narrator, not in the real world but within a story, exactly as Stanley is/was (in this narrative put forth by the Narrator) before he apparently 'realized the inconsistencies of his reality' and spontaneously died.

The interesting contrast to THAT is then that Mariella is outside the control of the player, so she ISNT identical to Stanley, and whether she is within the influence of the Mind Control Facility or not within the Narrative is not entirely clear. She is a character, she is framed like a protagonist by the Narrator, but she is outside the player's reach, and largely outside the visible narrative. Does she have her own player? Does she exist in her own form, or like Stanley (at least Stanley per the Real Person Ending) is she reliant on being puppeted to make choices, somewhere beyond the player's perception? How real is she?

Personally, I think Mariella is a very similar presence to Stanley, but without the influence of a Player/the repetition of the Parable, she has shut out the hints of her nature to survive. She is a foil to Stanley (Stanley-the-Narrator's-character, anyway) because Stanley recognizes his reality and is destroyed by it, and Mariella sees that conclusion and refuses to reckon with her reality honestly.

Conceptualizing her outside of the Parable-as-Game metanarrative, I think of her as someone who was Weird growing up, who was made to feel small and stupid and Incorrect for that weirdness, and learned to self-protect by strongly and determinedly identifying as Just Perfectly Normal, obedient to social norms and a careful expert at navigating her position and role. Someone who learned to be bland, to laugh at people failing to fit in in order to fit in herself, to turn her face from their suffering because she was Normal, she WAS. She is normal, and everyone knows that Weird people get made fun of, because they're Weird. She hasn't grown past that and she fights questioning things around her because she is petrified of being Weird and outcast again. I think as a character she deserves internal torment too (/affectionate) and the opportunity to grow from shitty coping mechanisms, instead of always being the Perfectly Balanced Background Supportive Lesbian. (She IS a lesbian tho. To be clear.) Yes this is a HIGHLY autistic reading of Mariella but that's because I am too autistic to perceive a character as neurotypical.

Ideal fanwork narrative, for me, is her reluctantly befriending Stanley (and/or Timekeeper/Employee 432) where they all work at the Office Where Nothing is Wrong I Promise-- reluctant because she knows they're Weird but befriending because they are genuinely nice to her and despite her best efforts she isn't actually friends with/fully accepted by/comfortable with people who ARENT a little Weird-- and starting out a little shitty and judgemental and then slowly growing out of that and coming to recognize that it's Okay To Be Weird and that she is, and she's been hurting others and herself trying to suppress it for approval she has never and will never truly get. Partially brought about because there is Definitely Something Wrong In This Office and she has to embrace seeming crazy, defiant, and bizarre in order to solve the mystery with Stanley/TK and break free of the office's trap.

*waves hand* obviously that narrative concept also involves a lot of other characters growing too, and is based on how I perceive them, but you were asking about Mariella.

ANON I NEED TO THANK YOU PERSONALLY FOR THIS ASK I have literally been rotating it in my mind since you sent it holy fuck. Everything about this has given me an entire new outlook on how I perceive Mariella and I mean that so genuinely. I love the concept of Mariella forcing away the possible reality of being another vessel for the Narrator to project stories onto. Her need for herself to be normal, for her to be in control in such a contrasting and different way than how Stanley wishes to be in control.

Stanley fully knowing that he has no control over himself vs Mariella who insists that she has control, that she knows what is and isn't real. IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD ANON. SO, SO GOOD. I literally am framing this on my wall, I fucking love this so goddamn much

[beneathashadytree]

i had never really thought about it until you mentioned it but zayne is SO autistic, and same as the last anon i love love that u portray him as autistic in ur SMAUs it feels so real and accurate to canon😭🫶

- 🪩

Honestly being his partner would be an autistic person’s DREAM🙏🏽 Can you imagine the soft and tender understanding of boundaries while also seeking comfort?? The incredibly easy and straightforward communication?? The lack of a need to always be talking??? Just sitting in a room together in silence and each doing our thing but loving each other’s presence?? Never being weirded out by each other’s behaviors and special interests?? Helping each other as best as we can in social situations while also never butting in too much???

AND THANK YOU SO MUCH😭🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽 I always worry that people might not like that I portray him like this (is it mild ableism that’s imbedded in society, or is it just neurotypical people failing to see the appeal?) but honestly the fact that I don’t even have to switch up anything much in his personality and he still comes off as autistic is VERY telling of how well-coded that is🙏🏽 There’s like a 90% chance this wasn’t intentional on the developers’ part, but I’m just happy to see what I interpret as good autistic rep🥰

[skayafair]

I love that Lizzy is capable AND she still has regular nasty breakdowns.

At first I really didn't like her. As I later realized, because of how uncomfortably she reminded me of my own petsonality sides I'd rather choose to forget. Or maybe how people who didn't like me wanted me to see myself and I adopted this view, I don't know. The point is, there are enough similarities, so I disliked Elizabeth for some time while trying to stay objective, and later came to really respect her.

The feeling of constant anxiety while you simultaneously try to make things right and do what's right, for example. And that nothing ever goes your way, even when in the beginning it may seem otherwise.

When Lizzy took charge, it was both a surprise and the most logical thing ever. When she couldn't convince anyone to perceive her as a leader - I mean truly, and the fact that the team doesn't really need a formal leader all that much didn't help, - I wasn't surprised at all. How familiar. This is why I hate to be in charge: go out of your way to do everything properly and consider everyone and everything, but all you get in the end is the responsibility. No perks, you're just kept accountable for all this mess both in front of the higher-ups and yourself. If the teammates are kind enough, that is. Being the leader when you aren't a people person (doesn't matter if you want to be one, people just categorized you as an outlier ever since you can remember yourself) is very difficult.

It's hard not to grow bitter with all this.

And the leader has no right to fail. The failures don't ask if you have this right or not though, they just happen. And you still can't just give in. You have the responsibility.

I honestly expected Cassius to dig their heels in and bear with this because they ARE charismatic, everyone warms up to them instantly, and they seem very responsible and resilient, stubborn. It was a surprise to me they gave up, but a welcomed one: it wasn't out of blue and I'm glad the show lays out all the reasoning so well. It really helped me understand the character more.

Lizzy doesn't give up though. She takes all the hits and jabs in, all the failures and pain, gets poisoned by them, but keeps going. Maybe because it's familiar anyway: yes everyone hates you (oh for goodness sake, they hated you anyway, says a little nasty voice in the back of your mind) but at least you're still doing what you must, keeping at least the ones you could keep alive - well, as safe as possible. Doing what's right in your mind with all you've got, so there's some small mercy in that.

You can't give up.

Except everything has a limit.

And I admire the fact that Elizabeth gets hysterical, picks fights, screams and cries and keeps going. She was entrusted with the responsibility and isn't going to give it up just because she can't bear the weight. Maybe it's an autistic thing - she really feels autistic to me and I guess I'm on the spectrum as well, and the thing is we often don't know how much is too much. It's like with the pain: we can often withstand a pretty severe one without showing as much discomfort as a neurotypical person would because we never know if it's considered bad enough and we're used to masking our whole lives. That episode with her hand made me properly remember for the first time how my right wrist got broken into several shards and the doctors asked if I want a local anesthesia or a general one to rearrange them. I was alone in a big city and there was no one to take care of me, so I couldn't lose consciousness, I had to be in control. No one told me people are usually sedated for such procedures. I don't think I ever screamed like back then because local anesthesia didn't do shit. I felt everything. I avoided remembering those minutes for years. That episode when Lizzy screamed led me through them again and I think I'm not as scared of them anymore. We often think in absolutes. Lizzy even said it herself: how her aunt taught her to help until it hurts bit didn't teach when to stop.

I used to keep going until I dropped. Often literally. My ex girlfriend was the one who got very angry at me for that, and this annoyed me af: why do you think you have a right to tell me what to do, it's my wellbeing, I choose what to do on my own! But even so I listened to her, at first begrudgingly, and unlearned this habit little by little. Looks like there was no one to help Lizzy with that. So she would stretch herself thin and then some more, until she can't function at all. Or at least that's my guess.

So this is what I admire: she still lets herself break down without giving up. I think it should help her take some tension off. She still allows herself to be human, a person, not only a function. It's... such a strength to me honestly. I think it should also make her more... approachable? available for human connections? You show human emotions in a situation when they are honestly expected, so that probably makes you look more "normal".

She's a mess, but what a beautiful one.

[inconsideratekidney]

2/6/25

good morning,

disclaimer: idk how many of you would wanna genuinely read this so tread carefully. it's my thoughts as they come out and it's spewed very randomly and it's more unearthed than usual :) there you go there's your warning.

you should listen to one of the following songs while reading, or don't, i don't care:

Champagne Supernova (Remix) by Oasis

Make Me Your Queen by Declan McKenna

i don't know what the fuck i am doing. i don't know who the fuck i am or what my purpose is. there is so much going on and too much to take it. i have always wanted to come to college because i thought i would be ready once the time came. i am not ready. i'm somehow in my third year second semester still wondering if what i am doing is even worth it. i have completed a whole minor technically, i have done my immersion classes and i am majoring in two fucking different fields. what the fuck am i doing. i have totally jumped into what we call being an adult. cliche cliche what the hell i don't care. i am truly freefalling and fucking around and finding out.

i am in a developing major that doesn't have enough research to even call it a major in my opinion. there are so many loopholes and so much shit we don't even go over. we need to talk about psychology in interpreting, we need to talk about therapy and getting massages, and supporting each other, and we need to make the goddamn needle move so much faster than we are now. i don't want to discuss philosophy right now because i already have to put together a presentation for philosophy class, but aside from philosophy specifics, we need fucking breaks and validation and more fucking applied tools. interpreting asl/english is so new and fresh and we need so much more support. i write this out of frustration and anger from seeing myself struggle and fail and seeing others fail. you could tell me oh, it gets better over time, don't worry. but i am worried. why is it not a skill i can learn as a practice profession like doctors and lawyers and general customer service workers receive. we have a code of conduct, sure, we have personal ethics and we have general principles we should follow, but we still only have state-recognized certification systems. what the fuck is up with that. why did some dude say on the joe rogan podcast that interpreters are distracting? i didn't look into it crazy but why can some people be so ignorant. all of this might sound like a joke cuz of course not everyone trusted doctors and vaccines and medicine at first right? but we need to move faster than people did way back when. it shouldn't be taking so fucking long.

i don't want to spend my entire career fighting against the man and fighting against ingorance. i don't want to have to tell people what interpreters do every five seconds and laugh at every "gang signs" or *hands thrown in the air* when someone asks about my profession. we are not a professional group of people or field. we don't treat each other professionally or respectfully in college, so how are we going to move on and be professional and respectful to each other out in the real world? if we can't respect each other or even the consumers we work for or the appropriate professional attire how can we work together effectively and work with our consumers??????????????

maybe i've had too much matcha or too much exposure to life that i'm way too fed up, but i need a fucking break. i have so many ideas and feel so autistic that i don't feel anyone listens and i wanna scream out the window so fucking loud.

on another note, that comprehension shit has been with me since the dawn of my existence. i've always been lagging behind everyone else. maybe i should have been held back a year or something. i swear i don't understand people. i feel like it is a neurodivergent experience. i also have a hard time understanding neurodivergent folks as well, just in a different way, i get them more than neurotypical people, but neurotypical people are the norm so i've spent so much more time trying to understand them and make sure i come off as funny and relatable and i'm so tired of doing that. i need to adjust a lot of what i say to sound more professional and put-together but i am not. i need to use filler words and talk more to explain how i feel and what i am thinking and i hate it. i would much rather prefer to just vibe with someone. i wish my vibes could be read easily, but i have such a hard time doing that i end up looking like i have a resting bitch face or that i think i'm too cool to be where i am. i don't think that.. i think i'm always not cool enough to be where i am.

thinking about when people are studying or thinking or doing work they need to ask themselves hmm can i work here or is it too distracting? most of the time they are referring to loud noises or general lighting or if there is somewhere to sit and maybe a table or not. what i think about it specifically what chairs are there? i like the chair i'm sitting in rn very much. i was so overjoyed when i saw barely anyone in this sitting area when i got here. to be able to sit in the back corner of a room facing everyone else in a padded wheely chair is like heaven to me. it's probably why i can write this blog right now. the table is also a good height and i have it all to myself cuz no randos are coming and joining me thank goodness. i also feel comfy enough to listen to music and write a blog right now. i can see everyone in front of me and i feel safe. one thing i don't like is that i'm sitting next to a windowed wall and that many people are walking outside underneath and they can see me, but not well enough. i can see and look at them, but they can see me looking at them which i don't like.... but it's okay it doesn't bother me since everything is nice and i have good loud music that blocks out that stupid piano playing and there aren't too many people so it's okay. my table is small enough that no one can ask to sit here it's so perfect. it is getting louder over time which is annoying, but whatever. i need to go soon anyway. i need to write out all of my thoughts. people don't normally do that. people don't normally talk to themselves about everything, but i do. i fear i seem crazy. and according to others i am, but it helps me so much. i need to talk or type like this cuz the bugs inside my head are always running around on fire and everything is always in fight-or-flight panic SOS mode. so it's great to be able to write down as fast as i think, or almost as fast as i think WITH ALL OF THESE DAMN TYPOS YOU CAN'T SEE BUT I MAKE SURE TO FIX AS I GO ALONG HOLY SHIT IT IS ANNOYING.

anyways.

loud music is good but it is also distracting and throws me off. but it does block out the outside world. it does overstimulate me at the same time though and i hate it.

rage posting? shitposting? idk. here you go this was it from my rant earlier today. i'm just gonna eject this into the universe......

(random) what if i was that woman from bridgerton, lady pussysqueak but i know that's not her name LADY WHISTLEDOWN that. what if i was her. i would eat. i would literally gobble up this town. just a small town girl, living in a LONELY WOOORLD. okay that's my contribution from this night.

goodnight,

kD >(

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

hello summer!

i have been to a doctor about possibly having autism once now with my mum.

she suggested that i have ADHD + CAPD rather than autism, or my symptoms were caused by a deficiency in Vitamin B12. she said that it was very unlikely i had autism, just because she thinks that throughout all my life we would've caught it by now.

it's possible it's just a deficiency in Vitamin B12, because you mostly get the vitamin from meats. i am mostly vegetarian and don't eat a lot of meat.

if the deficiency in Vitamin B12 is the case, then all my symptoms should go away if i start taking Vitamin gummies or something to get the required vitamins.

It would be great if all these problems went away as easy as that, but then it doesn't entirely explain some other things?

like, for example, autistic people can have poor proprioception, which i feel i relate to. i have gonr at most an entire 14 hours without eating because i simply couldn't sense i needed to eat. it's an ongoing problem for me that i can't sense that i need to eat/drink, and it isn't exactly new. it's been going on for a while and for 2-3 months i thought i must have some kind of eating disorder, but of course, no eating disorder i researched described what i was experiencing. but then, i discovered that it can be an autism thing.

for the past maybe 4.5 months i've been researching what exactly autism is and how it appears. i've looked back on experiences in my life and thought that it made sense i could have autism.

i feel like it can't really be just a deficiency, but i have no idea how to say that. i'm not great at communicating why i think something, so i don't want to say it to my mum, because if i do she'll ask why and the answer is complicated and long, and i always seem to stutter and trip over my own words. i just really struggle to explain complicated things, and the more i fail to explain, the harder it gets because i start to panic that it's not working.

and then, if it is just a deficiency and my sensory issues go away as fast as they just suddenly appeared (noise sensitivity just kind of appeared in january.), then what about my other experiences? if it's just a deficiency and not anything more, then is there just something wrong with me? it's really frustrating to me, because i have no idea what it is.

i've taken spectrum tests online, most of which said i had moderate to high symptoms of ASD, and i've seen that people afab often end up learning early how to mask and don't get diagnosed (i'm afab).

having ADHD + CAPD could explain some stuff for me too. i was told that my concern isn't being pushed aside for what the doctor thinks, but it feels a little like it is.

she gave us some tests and there was one for my teacher. i gave it to her a week ago, and she hasn't handed it back. i'm hoping she can give it back soon because there's only a few days left before summer begins and my school year ends.

i guess i'm just worried in general about this, + some other stuff going on in my life right now. thank you for reading through this, i appreciate that. it was just kind of a rant. 💞

Hi there,

I did some research on ADHD and Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD). I found one article that goes into detail about both of these. Here are some excerpts:

People with ADHD may have trouble processing sensory input, including auditory information. For example, a 2017 studyTrusted Source notes that children with ADHD do not perform as well on auditory processing tests. However, they perform similarly to neurotypical children after treatment with methylphenidate. This suggests that auditory processing issues may be an ADHD symptom.

ADHD affects executive functioning, attention, and impulse controlTrusted Source. This may make it more difficult for people to process sensory input, including sounds. It may be difficult or impossible for a person with ADHD to interpret sounds or distinguish one sound from another, particularly in distracting environments.

Research also suggests that people with ADHD may have other sensory processing issues. They might crave sensory stimulation through chewing or be less responsive than typical to sensory input, such as loud noises or bright lights.

Similarly, symptoms of APD may mimic those of ADHD. This is because a person who cannot correctly interpret sound may appear to be inattentive. Their sensory difficulties can also affect behavior. A 2018 systematic review emphasizes that children with APD have similar characteristics, including behaviors and test scores, to children with ADHD.

It is also possible for a person to have both ADHD and APD.

The article will be below if you want to read it.

If Vitamin B12 is the issue, I would try to take some vitamins and see if your symptoms improve. If not, then I would talk to your doctor.

I should also mention that the signs and characteristics of both ADHD and Autism have quite the overlap. Here’s a helpful Venn diagram to show the similarities and differences.

There’s also another Infograph talking about the statistics of ADHD and Autism:

I’ll also leave the article below so you can check it out.

I really hope you find this information helpful. I wish you luck and I hope you figure out what’s going on.

Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ❤️

[adhbabey]

I think the reason why I may do better in some situations instead of completely fumbling is that I like to "play a role" or perform in some way. It's somewhat natural and somewhat not. Like being the perfect lover, so its easy for me to flirt and tease. Or like being a good advice giver, I like being able to educate others. Or being the devil to someone's angel, or vice versa.

I always tend to perform or reflect someone else. So it doesn't bother me, and it doesn't make me struggle, as much, if I can play a role that I have played before.

And I realize this is just a form of scripting or masking. I don't do well if someone plays a role that I wanted to play. Or someone tries controlling me in a way I don't want. Or if the role I'm playing is traumatic, if then, its out of my hands of control of a social situation.

I don't think other people really think about this like I do. If they, a neurotypical person, or an allistic person, or someone who just falls outside of my categories, I cannot play or fit myself into an archetype that I feel comfortable in. It definitely makes me feel unstable when people do not like to be labeled. It makes me feel out of tune.

And sometimes, the role I play, is one that is unstable. If all else fails, I'll do something very unhinged. And play a role of a character that is frightening or unnerving, so they stay away from me.

I think this is just autism. I've perfected myself so well. I fit into other things so well. That it doesn't bother me when I have to play a role. But when I can't play a role. When I can't plan my interactions based on a certain idea. I get really frustrated.

I do, I can play a role that suits this. That shows my disabilities. But it's just really hard to see myself as anything like another when I don't feel safe to even manufacture an identity to suit those around me. I feel unstable admitting that I am autistic. I don't like this "role". I'd rather be someone else. Anyone else.

I don't look autistic, because I don't want you to know what I'm like. And that's hard to accept, for a kid who likes to perform for you and feels safe in an identity that makes me feel loved. Instead of a me that is not loved. And it's crazy because this is who I am truly now. Someone who is going to be a hero, instead of someone who can't speak up or voice themselves. The little autistic child inside of me is asleep, as the waking person I am now is to adapt and change and be courageous and voice themselves.

So unlike other some other autistic people, who discuss and talk about how they mask and don't know their true identity as they pretend to be someone else. I'm not pretending. Sometimes, I'm truly someone else, and currently, I am that somebody else. And the autistic and confused child is dormant inside of me, a role I can't play for others, not in the way I've known others to be.