#not just a neurotypical person but an autistic person as well..just failing at being a person

[buildarocketboys]

Man nothing like talking to other writers to make you feel like you're not a proper writer

[fumifooms]

Laios Touden and autism; admiring the non-human

Do you think people exaggerate when they scream about Laios being autistic? Do you feel like it’s weird that so many people including autistics are so set on Laios, the problematic (but incredible and kind) king TM, being the most autistic that has ever autisticed? Why do we cheer on autistic people wanting to be monsters?? Isn’t that weird?

Well, of course it depends on the way it’s done, it can be done quite offensively, but long story short Kui blew it out of the park. The thing is, autistic people really do like monsters and animals and robots. Nonhuman does not mean subhuman, it just means Other. Feeling a connection with them has been shown to be an extremely common autistic experience for that very reason.

Because some people don’t understand why we autistic Tumblr Laios stans cheer “autism! Autism!” whenever he talks about monsters and feeling alienated to humans so! Here’s a post about how yes even research papers are analyzing the special connection we form with animals. I’m not even joking but Laios Touden & the mass cries of relatability with autistic people he gets and all the love for him could be used as study material and evidence for future papers because the link is that strong. Oh also I think it’s notable that being autistic and undiagnosed vs diagnosed makes a huge difference. In my experience as someone who was undiagnosed up until 18, it’s even more alienating to not know that there’s a reason why you’re different, being gaslit that you’re ‘normal’ and you just need to try harder and get with the program, etc. Personally when getting diagnosed I went through the 5 stages of grief because the thought of having been fundamentally different all your life (a difference which you will never be able to change) and mistreated for it when you weren’t “wrong” all along makes you unload all the anger and sadness and loneliness and sheer trauma you’ve built up over time. Like it’s world shattering.

So! Back to seeing dogs as family. Also I implore you to value experiential evidence when it comes to autism and other neurodivergences because brains are complicated and neurotypicals not being able to understand us well even with scientific research is like, a whole thing even though we’re right there speaking about how we feel and being right every time because the topic is literally us and how we experience the world. 

Disclaimer for this whole post that, of course, no group is a monolith and everyone has different experiences or can diverge from the norm of the group, and that doesn’t diminish the validity of either side! Like, I know autistic people who have trauma with dogs and hate them. But, trends do happen, and in this case... Autism is very “My experiences with humans make me feel dehumanized in a bad and lonely way so instead I’ll dehumanize myself in a good and inspiring way”.

“I was treated like a failed human my entire life and you’re surprised that my response was to become a dog.” -Patricia Taxxon

It’s literally well recorded that autistic people relate to animals more than humans globally. With this post, besides spreading autistic Laios truthism and explaining why the portrayal hits so deep for so many,  I want to show in what way this is a very specific experience and not looking at his character through an autistic lense really misses a lot of why he’s everything that he is. (Tacking allegedly onto here for legal reasons, different interpretations are valid etc etc /gen). This honestly isn’t super long though.

To define an important term, anthropomorphism in the studies and in this post means to attribute human traits to the nonhuman, which not only includes anthro furry designs but also animals irl, inanimate objects, and animated media as opposed to live action, to humanize them and empathize with them.

Paper: https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/aut.2019.0027 

“Dogs taught me how to hunt and socialize and work in groups”, Laios having internalized body language... So real so real. I, too, make a great dog impression. And I want to emphase the part that it helps greatly develop a sense of emotions and relationships! For Laios, he didn’t get along with kids his age, it was him, Falin and the dogs against the world. Since it’s a group of dogs too, it taught him group dynamics and social hierarchies (like with Falin being considered as being below the dogs in authority according to the dogs rip), and the importance of group coordination when hunting.

For me, I cannot like, concisely explain just how much animals were important to me developmentally. I also grew up with dogs, but like I vividly remember encounters with like hamsters as well just radically shaping my understanding of boundaries, the importance of giving something space and the way you interact with them and respect their side of it. Unlike humans they don’t really mask how they feel, it’s direct cause-effect reaction and data gathering. There are no words involved, so the focus on having a perfect phrasing and tone is gone, leaving just pure interactions. 

There’s also no reason to mask how you feel either, and you don’t have to feel silly over wanting to form a connection and it showing, what, is the dog gonna laugh at you because you obviously want to make friends with it? Toshiro or Kabru might, but dogs and cats will just tell you to fuck off and leave it there worst case scenario. I often say that I think one reason Marcille is special to Laios and he feels comfortable around her is because she emotes INTENSELY, she gestures, she puts her whole body into it, her facial expressions are pretty exaggerated and her ears even emote too- like with a dog’s ears!

I think there’s def also things to be said about how he gravitated towards Izutsumi at first, all excited, was eager to sleep in the same bed as her, but in the Izutsumi sleep rating chart we see they really just casual and chill so it’s not a Laios talking to Shuro deep into the night situation just a “I like sleeping besides animals” situation and that is enough to hype him up. I love how he pet her in the extra about why Chil let her sleep with him too. He’s just so transparently eager to befriend her, even if in the end they weren’t all that compatible and he accepted that.

There are honestly so many examples I could give for this. Like Grandin the famous cow lady.

More about autism & empathy:

https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/ (Also mentions a study in which groups of autistic, allistic then a mixed group played a game of telephone and both singular groups had similar levels of information retention, but the mixed group was significantly worse. As an autistic person yeah duh, obviously autistic people are different from one another and can have plenty of interpersonal issues, but communicating with other neurodivergent people feels pretty intuitive and straightforward and comfortable. One of the reasons why neurodivergent people tend to naturally gravitate towards each other I suppose.) 

^ Paper: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5932358/  For good, extensive summary of why we relate to animals so much you can go to the “anthromorphizing and asd” section of the paper. This paper extends to our widespread liking of cartoons and robots as well. Ok so this is a whole thing I won’t get into here but this is a big reason why a lot of autistic people are agender leaning as well. Genders and queerness in general is a lot about social constructs, and being queer is being marginal to these, not fitting into boxes or challenging those social norms and conventions. Queerplatonic relationships are a great example of this, where the framework of the relationship is platonic but the intangible nature of what it is exactly is the point, not familial not anything but everything at once too, just adoration, I like to say having pets is a bit like it as well, bc obvi it’s not romantic and often not fully familial, very platonic but also sooo much cuddling and adoration and kissing and whatnot that you wouldn’t typically do with a friend or family member. I’ll talk about qpr and labels another day though.

I got carried away but queerness in Dunmeshi is something I 100% want to make a big post on one day. Experiencing the world with different guidelines and not registering things to have the same boxes, sigh. Personally I also relate to Laios on a gender level, “cis by default because I don’t care all that much but if I were to dig deeper I’m probably otherkin and I want to be socially associated with traits of monsters and animalistic rather than man/woman” sighh hard to be a cryptid in this day and age. I wish we had a term like furry but for monsters, I want to be in the fantasy or folk tale genre ty, like changelings. Goshh changelings... You know, the irl myth where people said their neurodivergent kids were fairies’ children instead of human. Diminished physical sense of self means I see myself as some unknowable black  void aesthetic wise, but like in a way that simultaneously makes me feel seen. Like becoming a monster, losing your sense of self but also somehow just being simplified and seen for what you are, it’s weird to try and explain. This post is more about relating to the nonhuman than about seeing yourself as such, but like connect the dots right, that IS an important point of Laios’ character. It’s because our brains literally work different than allistics which makes us feel as other, but also because of social ostracization and functioning in a different way than society at large, living in the margin of society, being weird and non-conforming.

Meanwhile, animals and social norms... Like ok, showing your neck and rolling on the ground to show that you’re friendly and harmless and play biting might not be proper. But have you considered that it’s also fun and feels very intuitive. Play with a dog in the dog’s way I promise it is so nice and freeing. Play tug of war and growl back when they growl. Hiss at your cat to tell them they do something wrong, engage with them on their level.

Autism made social life hard, but it made animals easy. Do you have anyyy idea how good it feels to mask all day every day and feel constantly misunderstood or like you’re doing a performance but then you can just, drop all of that in the company of animals and they understand you. They understand you. You form an understanding and rapport so easily.

And this whole thing with Laios is so explicit too, with the Winged Lion saying “You’re sick and tired of the human world”. Notice the choice of words. Sick and tired of the human world. Exhausted from the constraints, sick of the mind games. It really isn’t as much about loving monsters as it is about loving the nonhuman. Relating to them because you feel that you can actually understand how they work and think, and feeling like they could understand you back as well. Animals are safe.

Like I could go on about how Laios admiring even just demi-humans like orcs is because they’re socially seen as non-humans more than any true physical thing, that they’re not bound by human society and its rules and live with their own lifestyle. But it would deal myself 1000 points of psychic damage and I am not ready to cry today. It’s idealization 100%, and like, Laios DOES want to be treated as human, to be valued, but it feels like an unreachable thing meanwhile becoming a monster is instant gratification and freedom and a sense that now no one will be able to hurt you in a way that reaches you, never again shall you be defenseless, and then if people dehumanize you then that only strengthens your sense of identity as a monster and UGHH ugh ugh.

And like. This post is a mess at this point but if you want to kinda delve into the more “why” then I recommend this Patricia Taxxon video essay. It starts out on a very different topic, but it’s all about autism and finding comfort in the inhuman. Long story short is othering made us like this also animals are just simpler to intuitively get along with.

So when I post this

I mean it. I really mean it when I say he’s me. I have never felt so seen. So many conflicting emotions all wrapped so concisely yet so intangibly woven into the whole storyline so subtly. 

Not being depicted as a monster of an human being for feeling/having felt that way?? The manga understands you. The world can understand you. Other humans can understand you. You can bond with them. You can. And I think that’s a big part of Dungeon Meshi too- Laios opening up to others about how he really is and his interests, and all the bumps on the way but how it was the only way to truly get to know each other and bond. With the climax being Laios confronting head on his complex with monsters and humans, and his monster-loving side and animalistic side being exactly what saves the whole world, what saves humanity. Because Laios does value his friends, does think humanity has beautiful sides to it, he wants to help it thrive and eat and become more accepting, carving out a kingdom for misfits and demi-humans. At the end of it, transforming into a monster and being free is a daydream fantasy, and the reality of it is that Laios does belong in the world as he is, and does receive and give out love.

If you enjoyed this you’ll probably like some of my other Laios analysis!  Here’s an analysis of his succubus and what it says about his relationships with other humans. And here’s an analysis about his relationship with Shuro from his perspective.

[drchucktingle]

buckaroo responses

we are having some good talks on twitter so wanted to copy and paste here for tumblr buds to see. here are three responses to my post about buds not believing in chucks sincerity.

BUCKAROO RESPONSE #1: This is so valid! Just because your work includes humor doesn't mean *you* are a joke and being treated that way hurts

CHUCK: dang perfect summary in one tweet that took me a whole handful of rambling posts to get to. yes. this is it exactly. thank you bud

BUCKAROO RESPONSE #2: I kind of have a thought about this, because there's a type of neurotypical behaviour that IS like this and is meant to be inclusive -- but often fails, especially online. It's a combination of ongoing jokes (T-Rex arms is one of those) and a weird kind of teasing ...

CHUCK: wow yes. absolutely. it is neurotypical buds trying to be inclusive with 'jokes' that are not landing right because 1 my art is sincere and 2 being autistic means i rarely 'get' jokes like this. this is good clarity and probably why it does not upset me. i know they mean well

BUCKAROO RESPONSE #3: I think that a lot of people (including me, at one point) see the concept for things like Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt and get hung up on the perceived absurdity, thinking that's the point. They're not looking at it as a deliberate choice intended to express something.

CHUCK: thank you also great comment. i think my work has a lot of ABSURDITY but in the 'philosophical sense' not the 'comedy sense'. in many ways my personal beliefs are absurdist standing in opposition to nihilism and without awareness of these philosophies it can seem like a joke

[atom-writings]

tangerine with an autistic s/o

0.7k words ~ gender neutral headcanons

tw: mention of ableism and subsequent violence

a/n: its my account i write what i want

Being somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum himself (don’t @ me,) along with his brother being autistic, it’s unlikely that Tangerine would end up with someone neurotypical anyway.

Constantly nicks you stim toys. It’s like a challenge to him since they’re usually bright and loud somehow.

He finds it so cute when you miss social cues, but he’d never say anything about it to you. He knows it can be embarrassing, and he doesn’t mind explaining what people mean.

He’s endlessly paranoid about the people he loves, so expect constant check-ins. Whenever you’re in public, he likes to hold your hand tight so he knows you’re safe (which is so, so nice when you’re in a crowd.)

When you’re on the verge of going non-verbal or having a meltdown, he notices immediately and gets you out of there. If anyone tries to say anything, he doesn’t even give them the time to do so.

“An’ who are you now? Nobody, tha’s right, fuck off.”

Whenever you talk about your special interests, he pretends he isn’t interested. He’ll sigh and make stupid snarky comments, but if you look closely, you can tell he’s still smiling a little. In reality, he doesn’t mind.

“Right, calm down luv, it’s really not tha’ big of a deal,”

“It’s a big deal to me!”

He sighs heavily and leans back in his chair before speaking again, “An’ by extension… me, now?”

“Yes!” Your ecstatic expression makes him groan, but he still has to cover his mouth to hide his smile.

But still, you might not notice he was really listening until he offhandedly makes a comment that only someone who had been paying crazy close attention would know. 

He might even know things you don’t, just because he comes to associate whatever you love with you. It comforts him to engage with your interests when you’re separated.

As you already know, Tangerine is a prickly person. Normally, he’s quite prone to anger and fits; but with you, he does his best to always remain level-headed. He doesn’t want to hurt you, especially he knows how sensitive you can be to anger. But he can’t help it sometimes. He’d never yell at you, at least. Anything too harsh is apologized for quickly. 

He’s working on it. You are one of the two most important people in his life, after all.

Speaking of which, expect to spend a lot of time with Lemon. Especially at the beginning of your relationship. He’s very nervous to make the wrong move and scare you off, and knowing that Lemon (also autistic) is there makes him worry a lot less. 

Generally, he doesn’t take criticism very well… especially when it comes to his behaviour… but he does try to be as receptive as he can when you’re the one criticising him.

Ableists get the shit beat out of them. Every time. Without fail. He will not stop this even when you ask. Although, if it makes you cry seeing him do that, he might stop himself early just so he can take you home and comfort you. 

Making you cry is the ultimate sin to him.

Even more “extreme” stims and tics don’t bother him. He just tends to tune them out like he does anything else.

He also might be even more vigilant about bringing along your comfort/accessibility items. Before you leave the house, he grabs you by the shoulder and checks you have everything. Again, paranoid.

Along with that, he may be a little infantilizing sometimes. He wants to always be by your side to make sure you’re alright, which can become… frustrating.

Like yes, it’s nice that he wants to drive you everywhere so you don’t have to worry about driving yourself or taking public transportation, but also you’re perfectly capable of doing those things by yourself (or if you’re not, I guess he’s just your knight in shining armour.)

If you’re otherwise incapable of doing some things, like speaking or cooking or whatever, he really doesn’t mind doing them for you. It makes him feel even more like your protector, which makes him so, so happy. As long as you pay him in affection, he won’t complain.

Actually, that’s not true. He complains about everything. But you’ll quickly learn what is “real” complaining, and what is just him being like that.

“Sweetheart, I wan’ you to know tha’ if anyone ever said anythin’ about you tha’s like- rude, in any way, I woul’ personally blow their brains out, understand?”

[funnywormz]

I think this shitshow with Toshiro stems from the trend of people INSISTING that interpersonal conflict must be a moral failing. Like I think there's something to be said about how people afford so much less patience to people who are autistic in the "wrong" ways, but also Laios and Toshiro just clash on a fundamental level that has nothing to do with that. Hell, you could read Toshiro as autistic as well. People related to Laios' side of the argument but instead of getting any nuance out of it they started projecting their experiences with ableist people onto Toshiro.

AGREE AGREE AGREE. i think that Fandom Brain gets people very used to thinking of conflicts in terms of "who is the bad guy and who is the good guy", so when they encounter a more nuanced conflict they don't really know what to do. i don't think toshiro is a bad person at all, in his conflict with laios he's just exhausted and starving and has been pushed to the limit and from his perspective, laios doesn't even seem that emotionally affected by the situation. i don't think what he said was right and it was pretty cruel, but i don't think he's a villain or deserves to be permanently hated as a character just bc he fucked up this time lol

also yeah you could definitely read him as autistic, and i think that highlights an issue in the autistic community in general bc like....... a lot of autistic people have conflicting needs which can lead to conflict between them/make them unable to stand being around each other. and it's not because either of them are neurotypical or bad people, they're just incompatible. like autistic people who loudly stim vocally and autistic people who meltdown when they have to be around loud noises, for example. it doesn't mean either of them is bad or not autistic, just that they have conflicting needs

i 100% agree with the last part too. i disliked toshiro at first myself bc i had been (and still do ngl) projecting onto laios hard and the conflict they had reminded me of times when people have been mean or angry at me irl for social blunders i've made unintentionally, or when someone i thought liked me/was my friend turned out to actually hate me. it's a common experience for autistic people and that scene resonates with that! but i think it also helps to take a step back from projecting our own traumatic experiences onto the scene and just look at it objectively. laios isn't perfect either and he's the one who actually starts the physical fight by slapping toshiro (i feel like i don't see many people mention this lol). i feel super bad for him in that scene but he's not a perfect victim and has done things wrong himself too

as an autistic person i've also been in situations where i can relate to toshiro too lol, like where someone is overly physically and emotionally familiar with me when we don't know each other well and i've wanted them to back off but haven't been sure how to say it without hurting their feelings. this kind of conflict is far from just being a "neurotypical vs neurodivergent" thing as a lot of people portray it in the fandom

idk i just wish people would think a little more deeply about the scene and put their own emotions and experiences aside to instead consider the conflict with the added context of the individual characters and their respective cultures + the situation they're in. people don't have to like toshiro but i wish they wouldn't paint him as a villain or make up awful shit about him just to justify their feelings when he isn't even that bad of a dude in canon yknow 😑. also we literally see him at rock bottom struggling and freaking out and i think that's important to remember. in a different context i doubt he would have ever said those things to laios

[musashi]

Pffff you sure do manage to piss a lot of people off, and not know why or how. Perhaps you should look inward.

i'd love to look inward, unfortunately these people i piss off never actually give me anything to work with. they'll say like "wendy, you eat babies" and then i say "can i have an example of when you saw me eat a baby" and then they block and ghost me and i go to my friends like "hey, did you ever see me eating babies? i'm trying to figure this out" and they all unanimously are like "uh no we never saw anything like that??? you did look at a baby once, maybe someone misunderstood???" and then five years pass and the person mad at me for eating babies leaves a long apology in my inbox and i connect with them through DMs and say "i'm just still confused. can you explain the thing where you said i ate babies? like do you remember what made you say that?" and without fail every time they reply "i don't know man, it just seemed right to say at the time."

i'm actually quite interested in bettering myself, and a great deal of my vent posts on here DO end with "i just don't understand" because of that desire. but i think a lot of people really do just forget that i am autistic and a huge part of autism is needing very clear examples of situations/behaviour/whatever. asking lots of questions, receiving lots of clarification, etc. with how mean and quick to abandon people have gotten on the internet lately, no one wants to give me that actionable feedback, or sit with me and help me understand what i might have done wrong/inelegantly. most of them just get angry, take my "maybe we should sit on this and come back to it later?" as an insult, and block me without answer.

currently, the person maligning me fully believes that i'm not "disabled" enough, claims i am "low support," and quite literally said "all [wendy's] symptoms [of disability] improve their life." i think this is very telling of a larger picture--people see how well i hide my cracks, how i boast my function, and how happy i am despite being disabled and file me away in their head as an arrogant neurotypical who is a little bit quirky.

but i would like to remind you, anon, that i am autistic. i am disabled. my social functioning is atypical. my way of understanding myself, my actions, and how those all mesh with the people i share a space with is atypical. "look inward" is great advice, and though I think you were trying to be mean, i welcome it with open arms! however, "look inward" only helps when i have additional help to guide me toward what exactly inward i am looking for. so, in this case, it is a little misguided.

if anyone who KNOWS ME PERSONALLY NOT ON TUMBLR who hates my fucking guts would like to give me some examples of how i act/talk/exist and why it makes them want to set a library on fire i am always, at any given moment, eagerly awaiting that feedback. but currently, the feedback is "none at all." every single person who has had a problem with me for the last half-decade of my life has simply blown up on me over things i did not do/intend/understand, or hardblocked me without a conversation and left me clueless as to what i did wrong.

until someone (friend or foe) is willing to actually communicate with me instead of being a sniveling coward, i will never know where inward to look. them's the breaks!

[paperlunamoth]

There is such a disconnect between the way people talk about autistic people and the way they actually treat them. I've heard people say so much and read people post/comment so much about how important it is to be considerate of autistic people, and the fact that they are different, and the ways that they are different, how important it is to be kind and understanding towards them. But then people actually interact with a real autistic person and their behavior is downright vitriolic, and they act like autism is just being "quirky" or having sensory issues and completely ignore the whole "autistic people struggle with social interaction" part. Like yes, actually, sometimes people are rude specifically because they're autistic. Sometimes people are inappropriate because they're autistic. Sometimes people are annoying because they're autistic. That's just what happens when someone struggles with understanding social conventions and the thousands of unspoken rules that dictate neurotypical interaction, and has a hard time predicting how others will respond to things they say or do. Every time I see "well autism isn't an excuse to do X" when "X" is like, not realizing that maybe someone doesn't want to hear about whatever they want to talk about, or not reading the room correctly, or not understanding why someone would be offended by something, I want to rip my hair out. Struggling with socialization is a core symptom of autism. It is something that can affect an autistic person's life in every way, and in some cases severely impact their ability to form and/or maintain relationships of all kinds. When you act like a person's lack of social graces due to autism are a deliberate personal choice, you help perpetuate the idea that being autistic just means being dorky or having special interests or being a picky eater, and that it's this ultimately very superficial thing that just makes someone a little quirky and has no larger impact on them. Like no. The social difficulties that come with autism can be legitimately debilitating for some people, and yes, those people can be a pain to deal with sometimes and yes, you're allowed to be frustrated or annoyed or embarrassed by their behavior, but no, it is not okay to act like an autistic person being socially inept must be purposeful or a choice. Social difficulties in autistic people should be regarded as an incurable symptom of an incurable illness and not as a deliberate moral failing, because they are an incurable symptom of an incurable illness and not a deliberate moral failing.

[narcissism-positivity]

hallo !! i have a question

so, i'm newly aware of my possible npd, and in the process of self diagnosis (aka tracking my symptoms over a couple months just to double check they exist and such). but i'm also autistic and the dsm constantly confuses me with its last section about disorders' effect on daily life. how severe/often would you say symptoms have to be/occur in order to qualify for diagnosis ? have a lovely day btw, your blog is an amazing source for all things npd and extremely helpful !!

Hello! Congrats on the discovery, and great idea to track your symptoms over time!

So, obvious disclaimer that I’m not a professional physician and cannot diagnose you with any disorder. But in general, the DSM-V is pretty vague when it comes to defining exactly how often symptoms need to present.

The DSM-V says, instead, that symptoms must be “consistent across a broad range of personal and social situations”. So, you don’t have to be dreaming about being a celebrity figure every second of your life, but you do have to idealize being the center of attention in most situations (even if when this actually happens it’s terrifying, since being the center of attention can feel like there’s even more pressure on you to succeed).

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

As for severity? This is where it gets highly subjective. The DSM is all about determining if you’re viewed as pathological by insurance companies, so typically their ways to quantify if you’re “severe enough” to warrant diagnoses is based on if you aren’t succeeding in socially acceptable ways.

For example, I’d often break down sobbing right before or during exams in school, because I was so afraid of doing poorly. This of course actually ended with me failing way more exams, and that’s viewed as pathological because academic success is entwined with capitalistic standards of achievement.

This is what the DSM means by “impairing social functioning”. And yeah, it’s going to cross over with the medical industrial complex’s poor views on neurodivergent people as well. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a steady job or high test scores if you’re not dating or hanging out at the after-work parties.

TL:DR; if you don’t function like a neurotypical and find yourself relating to most of the DSM criteria for NPD, you’re likely a narc! Welcome to the club. ⭐️

[squuote]

We know so very little about Mariella, but I think her existence as an entity similar enough to Stanley to be narrated in the same structure is very interesting. A lot of people take a lot of liberties with her when they include her in fanfics/other fanworks, often making her somewhat of a straightman, a force of sensibility and stability (and often emotional intelligence)-- which is great!! I love seeing people have fun with her, and it's often good to have foils to Utter Disaster characterizations of Stanley and Narrator-- but personally I see her as... well, as more of a parallel to Stanley, especially with both of them occupying a "protagonist"/"office worker" role when seen.

TSP/TSPUD is constantly operating on at least five levels of meta simultaneously, so it's hard to discern exactly how reliable any information is, or what level of meta it should be read on. Mariella's described presence is her witnessing the destruction of Stanley in "the real world" and simply being glad that it isn't her before moving on. I think this actually speaks to a distinct LACK of emotional intelligence, or at least self-awareness, perhaps to outright denial/willful ignorance-- within the narrative put forth by the Narrator, Mariella appears to be self-conscious, perhaps even defensive, her first instinct self-protective and self-assuring-- "that isn't me. I'm sane. How fortunate that I am sane. How fortunate that isn't me." The irony of Mariella is, of course, that she is ALSO simply a vessel narrated and controlled by the Narrator, not in the real world but within a story, exactly as Stanley is/was (in this narrative put forth by the Narrator) before he apparently 'realized the inconsistencies of his reality' and spontaneously died.

The interesting contrast to THAT is then that Mariella is outside the control of the player, so she ISNT identical to Stanley, and whether she is within the influence of the Mind Control Facility or not within the Narrative is not entirely clear. She is a character, she is framed like a protagonist by the Narrator, but she is outside the player's reach, and largely outside the visible narrative. Does she have her own player? Does she exist in her own form, or like Stanley (at least Stanley per the Real Person Ending) is she reliant on being puppeted to make choices, somewhere beyond the player's perception? How real is she?

Personally, I think Mariella is a very similar presence to Stanley, but without the influence of a Player/the repetition of the Parable, she has shut out the hints of her nature to survive. She is a foil to Stanley (Stanley-the-Narrator's-character, anyway) because Stanley recognizes his reality and is destroyed by it, and Mariella sees that conclusion and refuses to reckon with her reality honestly.

Conceptualizing her outside of the Parable-as-Game metanarrative, I think of her as someone who was Weird growing up, who was made to feel small and stupid and Incorrect for that weirdness, and learned to self-protect by strongly and determinedly identifying as Just Perfectly Normal, obedient to social norms and a careful expert at navigating her position and role. Someone who learned to be bland, to laugh at people failing to fit in in order to fit in herself, to turn her face from their suffering because she was Normal, she WAS. She is normal, and everyone knows that Weird people get made fun of, because they're Weird. She hasn't grown past that and she fights questioning things around her because she is petrified of being Weird and outcast again. I think as a character she deserves internal torment too (/affectionate) and the opportunity to grow from shitty coping mechanisms, instead of always being the Perfectly Balanced Background Supportive Lesbian. (She IS a lesbian tho. To be clear.) Yes this is a HIGHLY autistic reading of Mariella but that's because I am too autistic to perceive a character as neurotypical.

Ideal fanwork narrative, for me, is her reluctantly befriending Stanley (and/or Timekeeper/Employee 432) where they all work at the Office Where Nothing is Wrong I Promise-- reluctant because she knows they're Weird but befriending because they are genuinely nice to her and despite her best efforts she isn't actually friends with/fully accepted by/comfortable with people who ARENT a little Weird-- and starting out a little shitty and judgemental and then slowly growing out of that and coming to recognize that it's Okay To Be Weird and that she is, and she's been hurting others and herself trying to suppress it for approval she has never and will never truly get. Partially brought about because there is Definitely Something Wrong In This Office and she has to embrace seeming crazy, defiant, and bizarre in order to solve the mystery with Stanley/TK and break free of the office's trap.

*waves hand* obviously that narrative concept also involves a lot of other characters growing too, and is based on how I perceive them, but you were asking about Mariella.

ANON I NEED TO THANK YOU PERSONALLY FOR THIS ASK I have literally been rotating it in my mind since you sent it holy fuck. Everything about this has given me an entire new outlook on how I perceive Mariella and I mean that so genuinely. I love the concept of Mariella forcing away the possible reality of being another vessel for the Narrator to project stories onto. Her need for herself to be normal, for her to be in control in such a contrasting and different way than how Stanley wishes to be in control.

Stanley fully knowing that he has no control over himself vs Mariella who insists that she has control, that she knows what is and isn't real. IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD ANON. SO, SO GOOD. I literally am framing this on my wall, I fucking love this so goddamn much

[beneathashadytree]

i had never really thought about it until you mentioned it but zayne is SO autistic, and same as the last anon i love love that u portray him as autistic in ur SMAUs it feels so real and accurate to canon😭🫶

- 🪩

Honestly being his partner would be an autistic person’s DREAM🙏🏽 Can you imagine the soft and tender understanding of boundaries while also seeking comfort?? The incredibly easy and straightforward communication?? The lack of a need to always be talking??? Just sitting in a room together in silence and each doing our thing but loving each other’s presence?? Never being weirded out by each other’s behaviors and special interests?? Helping each other as best as we can in social situations while also never butting in too much???

AND THANK YOU SO MUCH😭🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽 I always worry that people might not like that I portray him like this (is it mild ableism that’s imbedded in society, or is it just neurotypical people failing to see the appeal?) but honestly the fact that I don’t even have to switch up anything much in his personality and he still comes off as autistic is VERY telling of how well-coded that is🙏🏽 There’s like a 90% chance this wasn’t intentional on the developers’ part, but I’m just happy to see what I interpret as good autistic rep🥰

[skayafair]

I love that Lizzy is capable AND she still has regular nasty breakdowns.

At first I really didn't like her. As I later realized, because of how uncomfortably she reminded me of my own petsonality sides I'd rather choose to forget. Or maybe how people who didn't like me wanted me to see myself and I adopted this view, I don't know. The point is, there are enough similarities, so I disliked Elizabeth for some time while trying to stay objective, and later came to really respect her.

The feeling of constant anxiety while you simultaneously try to make things right and do what's right, for example. And that nothing ever goes your way, even when in the beginning it may seem otherwise.

When Lizzy took charge, it was both a surprise and the most logical thing ever. When she couldn't convince anyone to perceive her as a leader - I mean truly, and the fact that the team doesn't really need a formal leader all that much didn't help, - I wasn't surprised at all. How familiar. This is why I hate to be in charge: go out of your way to do everything properly and consider everyone and everything, but all you get in the end is the responsibility. No perks, you're just kept accountable for all this mess both in front of the higher-ups and yourself. If the teammates are kind enough, that is. Being the leader when you aren't a people person (doesn't matter if you want to be one, people just categorized you as an outlier ever since you can remember yourself) is very difficult.

It's hard not to grow bitter with all this.

And the leader has no right to fail. The failures don't ask if you have this right or not though, they just happen. And you still can't just give in. You have the responsibility.

I honestly expected Cassius to dig their heels in and bear with this because they ARE charismatic, everyone warms up to them instantly, and they seem very responsible and resilient, stubborn. It was a surprise to me they gave up, but a welcomed one: it wasn't out of blue and I'm glad the show lays out all the reasoning so well. It really helped me understand the character more.

Lizzy doesn't give up though. She takes all the hits and jabs in, all the failures and pain, gets poisoned by them, but keeps going. Maybe because it's familiar anyway: yes everyone hates you (oh for goodness sake, they hated you anyway, says a little nasty voice in the back of your mind) but at least you're still doing what you must, keeping at least the ones you could keep alive - well, as safe as possible. Doing what's right in your mind with all you've got, so there's some small mercy in that.

You can't give up.

Except everything has a limit.

And I admire the fact that Elizabeth gets hysterical, picks fights, screams and cries and keeps going. She was entrusted with the responsibility and isn't going to give it up just because she can't bear the weight. Maybe it's an autistic thing - she really feels autistic to me and I guess I'm on the spectrum as well, and the thing is we often don't know how much is too much. It's like with the pain: we can often withstand a pretty severe one without showing as much discomfort as a neurotypical person would because we never know if it's considered bad enough and we're used to masking our whole lives. That episode with her hand made me properly remember for the first time how my right wrist got broken into several shards and the doctors asked if I want a local anesthesia or a general one to rearrange them. I was alone in a big city and there was no one to take care of me, so I couldn't lose consciousness, I had to be in control. No one told me people are usually sedated for such procedures. I don't think I ever screamed like back then because local anesthesia didn't do shit. I felt everything. I avoided remembering those minutes for years. That episode when Lizzy screamed led me through them again and I think I'm not as scared of them anymore. We often think in absolutes. Lizzy even said it herself: how her aunt taught her to help until it hurts bit didn't teach when to stop.

I used to keep going until I dropped. Often literally. My ex girlfriend was the one who got very angry at me for that, and this annoyed me af: why do you think you have a right to tell me what to do, it's my wellbeing, I choose what to do on my own! But even so I listened to her, at first begrudgingly, and unlearned this habit little by little. Looks like there was no one to help Lizzy with that. So she would stretch herself thin and then some more, until she can't function at all. Or at least that's my guess.

So this is what I admire: she still lets herself break down without giving up. I think it should help her take some tension off. She still allows herself to be human, a person, not only a function. It's... such a strength to me honestly. I think it should also make her more... approachable? available for human connections? You show human emotions in a situation when they are honestly expected, so that probably makes you look more "normal".

She's a mess, but what a beautiful one.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

hello summer!

i have been to a doctor about possibly having autism once now with my mum.

she suggested that i have ADHD + CAPD rather than autism, or my symptoms were caused by a deficiency in Vitamin B12. she said that it was very unlikely i had autism, just because she thinks that throughout all my life we would've caught it by now.

it's possible it's just a deficiency in Vitamin B12, because you mostly get the vitamin from meats. i am mostly vegetarian and don't eat a lot of meat.

if the deficiency in Vitamin B12 is the case, then all my symptoms should go away if i start taking Vitamin gummies or something to get the required vitamins.

It would be great if all these problems went away as easy as that, but then it doesn't entirely explain some other things?

like, for example, autistic people can have poor proprioception, which i feel i relate to. i have gonr at most an entire 14 hours without eating because i simply couldn't sense i needed to eat. it's an ongoing problem for me that i can't sense that i need to eat/drink, and it isn't exactly new. it's been going on for a while and for 2-3 months i thought i must have some kind of eating disorder, but of course, no eating disorder i researched described what i was experiencing. but then, i discovered that it can be an autism thing.

for the past maybe 4.5 months i've been researching what exactly autism is and how it appears. i've looked back on experiences in my life and thought that it made sense i could have autism.

i feel like it can't really be just a deficiency, but i have no idea how to say that. i'm not great at communicating why i think something, so i don't want to say it to my mum, because if i do she'll ask why and the answer is complicated and long, and i always seem to stutter and trip over my own words. i just really struggle to explain complicated things, and the more i fail to explain, the harder it gets because i start to panic that it's not working.

and then, if it is just a deficiency and my sensory issues go away as fast as they just suddenly appeared (noise sensitivity just kind of appeared in january.), then what about my other experiences? if it's just a deficiency and not anything more, then is there just something wrong with me? it's really frustrating to me, because i have no idea what it is.

i've taken spectrum tests online, most of which said i had moderate to high symptoms of ASD, and i've seen that people afab often end up learning early how to mask and don't get diagnosed (i'm afab).

having ADHD + CAPD could explain some stuff for me too. i was told that my concern isn't being pushed aside for what the doctor thinks, but it feels a little like it is.

she gave us some tests and there was one for my teacher. i gave it to her a week ago, and she hasn't handed it back. i'm hoping she can give it back soon because there's only a few days left before summer begins and my school year ends.

i guess i'm just worried in general about this, + some other stuff going on in my life right now. thank you for reading through this, i appreciate that. it was just kind of a rant. 💞

Hi there,

I did some research on ADHD and Central Auditory Processing Disorder (CAPD). I found one article that goes into detail about both of these. Here are some excerpts:

People with ADHD may have trouble processing sensory input, including auditory information. For example, a 2017 studyTrusted Source notes that children with ADHD do not perform as well on auditory processing tests. However, they perform similarly to neurotypical children after treatment with methylphenidate. This suggests that auditory processing issues may be an ADHD symptom.

ADHD affects executive functioning, attention, and impulse controlTrusted Source. This may make it more difficult for people to process sensory input, including sounds. It may be difficult or impossible for a person with ADHD to interpret sounds or distinguish one sound from another, particularly in distracting environments.

Research also suggests that people with ADHD may have other sensory processing issues. They might crave sensory stimulation through chewing or be less responsive than typical to sensory input, such as loud noises or bright lights.

Similarly, symptoms of APD may mimic those of ADHD. This is because a person who cannot correctly interpret sound may appear to be inattentive. Their sensory difficulties can also affect behavior. A 2018 systematic review emphasizes that children with APD have similar characteristics, including behaviors and test scores, to children with ADHD.

It is also possible for a person to have both ADHD and APD.

The article will be below if you want to read it.

If Vitamin B12 is the issue, I would try to take some vitamins and see if your symptoms improve. If not, then I would talk to your doctor.

I should also mention that the signs and characteristics of both ADHD and Autism have quite the overlap. Here’s a helpful Venn diagram to show the similarities and differences.

There’s also another Infograph talking about the statistics of ADHD and Autism:

I’ll also leave the article below so you can check it out.

I really hope you find this information helpful. I wish you luck and I hope you figure out what’s going on.

Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ❤️

[adhbabey]

I think the reason why I may do better in some situations instead of completely fumbling is that I like to "play a role" or perform in some way. It's somewhat natural and somewhat not. Like being the perfect lover, so its easy for me to flirt and tease. Or like being a good advice giver, I like being able to educate others. Or being the devil to someone's angel, or vice versa.

I always tend to perform or reflect someone else. So it doesn't bother me, and it doesn't make me struggle, as much, if I can play a role that I have played before.

And I realize this is just a form of scripting or masking. I don't do well if someone plays a role that I wanted to play. Or someone tries controlling me in a way I don't want. Or if the role I'm playing is traumatic, if then, its out of my hands of control of a social situation.

I don't think other people really think about this like I do. If they, a neurotypical person, or an allistic person, or someone who just falls outside of my categories, I cannot play or fit myself into an archetype that I feel comfortable in. It definitely makes me feel unstable when people do not like to be labeled. It makes me feel out of tune.

And sometimes, the role I play, is one that is unstable. If all else fails, I'll do something very unhinged. And play a role of a character that is frightening or unnerving, so they stay away from me.

I think this is just autism. I've perfected myself so well. I fit into other things so well. That it doesn't bother me when I have to play a role. But when I can't play a role. When I can't plan my interactions based on a certain idea. I get really frustrated.

I do, I can play a role that suits this. That shows my disabilities. But it's just really hard to see myself as anything like another when I don't feel safe to even manufacture an identity to suit those around me. I feel unstable admitting that I am autistic. I don't like this "role". I'd rather be someone else. Anyone else.

I don't look autistic, because I don't want you to know what I'm like. And that's hard to accept, for a kid who likes to perform for you and feels safe in an identity that makes me feel loved. Instead of a me that is not loved. And it's crazy because this is who I am truly now. Someone who is going to be a hero, instead of someone who can't speak up or voice themselves. The little autistic child inside of me is asleep, as the waking person I am now is to adapt and change and be courageous and voice themselves.

So unlike other some other autistic people, who discuss and talk about how they mask and don't know their true identity as they pretend to be someone else. I'm not pretending. Sometimes, I'm truly someone else, and currently, I am that somebody else. And the autistic and confused child is dormant inside of me, a role I can't play for others, not in the way I've known others to be.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

the "well, perhaps so long as the aba is polite" approach where it's like hey it's not ableism if it's like oh the non normative interactive / socializing / communication elements are "unskilled" so like suddenly this framing of an intrinsic Inferiority is neutral :)

but it's like the non neutrality of going e.g. "ah, autistic people don't have the Social Skills :)" is always There when, i mean, right off the bat, difference is framed as deficiency & inferiority wherein the alleged "skills" of being allistic Must be learned. or else what? is never really addressed despite expecting the audience to know the stakes of "oh You Know what happens if you don't have the 'skills' :)"

and even if pretending that oh it's all simply neutral Misunderstanding these days, somehow it's all about what the nonconforming parties have to Do Differently to fix this. not making the posts telling allistic people how to appeal to autistic people or blend in with them and chiding them if they think they Don't Have To. while, again, it gets to be left unsaid why you Would have to Be Less Autistic. what happens to autistic people when they're around neurotypical(tm) people? versus what happens to nt people around autistic people? how neutral to obscure power difference there like ah the autistics are unskilled and must stop bringing it upon themselves and if they don't They Know What Happens vs the simply so totally skilled neurotypical people are just fine doing whatever and it just so happens to be that if they Misunderstand an autistic person they're just fine & if they don't have "skills" an autistic person does they're just fine & by that not just Unpunished but still In The Right(tm) really

also like gee what a familiar situation for "autistic people need to learn Social Skills, is why [ableism] happens: totally isn't justifying [ableism]" to have that dynamic where the vulnerable group is deemed Responsible for the feelings of the group backed by power structures (and thus, implicitly, their Actions stemming from whatever feelings). like oh the fact that for everyone in pretty much any groups in any contexts, school, work, home, wherever, it's "normal" to have people bullied & ostracized & isolated & scapegoated & pushed out & punished for being unpopular, disliked, weird, annoying, unappealing offputting; that's fine, that should get to happen, and it totally happens for neutral reasons that aren't key everyday instances of maintaining power structures. it's just Normal Socializing that young kids can be replicating norms of white supremacy, patriarchy, ableism; the immediate othering & ostracization & bullying that peers can encounter? sounds like someone Failed to be Normal while those who weren't negatively affected by this are just doing what they're gonna do! forces of nature! being Normal & Skilled as they reject & exclude & bully peers, i know that's right. happening years later in Jobs? sounds like someone's just Failing to be Professional now. not a Team Player, don't have the Skills we need, sorry. all very neutral here

anyways again like what a Familiar dynamic. one party Must be considered to be an unstoppable unmovable force who's just doing their thing; the other party is held as being responsible for how that first party feels in kneejerk reaction to them, and for all the negative consequences of that, which affect them more frequently & intensely as a pattern of unilaterality rather than true "haha just a misunderstanding!" theoretically more balanced, reciprocal mistakes & whoopsie daisies. like again that being locked in to an abusive home life i didn't see this "countered" when getting to leave for school & college & work & social hangouts when the extremely normal pervasive logics & practises of abuse were, you're not gonna believe it, found to also be normal & pervasive there too. wow once again being ignored / left alone is about the best, while there's an especial disinterest that gets interrupted to a) make use of you as entertainment or telling you what to do or etc or b) enact negative attention as punishment / power trip. wow once again you're responsible for this treatment & it's sure not gonna change thanks to the people doing it & btw it's not that bad & it's literally normal. kids these days like so whiny & angsty when they're miserable at school & home & promised umm hey at least you aren't miserable at work yet.

anyway seeming really so "skilled" when the Social Approach is that what matters is having an instant superficial affinity with someone, and what Really matters is whether your having that or not is something you can do your part in making their life worse. who cares if the people insufficiently backed up by the power to do anything about it dislike someone for any reasons. and yet more totally unfamiliar logic when like arguing against "conform & comply or die & it's your fault" is like ohh You're the Real problem. You don't want those affected to Succeed. you sickos. like yeah always sooo fucked up to be The Ruiner The Destroyer of family, of existing within 5 mi of nt people being a stealth mission to evade the detection & bullying (this is also the family dynamic, should the family feel like it), of america, of gender

[beetlejuce]

would like to make one thing clear: every time I’ve said some variation of “the female bond is a lie, girls’ girls are a myth created by white cishet neurotypical gender-conforming mainstream liberals, women are not exempt from being able to spew absolutely vile misogyny,” etc, this does come from genuine observation, experience, and gender criticism. Despite that, I fear that I have come across as a misogynist myself, so I would like to make something clear.

I acknowledge that while a lot of these blanket statements come from my own observations of living as an ugly, autistic, tomboyish girl for 20 years and the trauma I have from that, I admit that some of this is also me projecting my insecurities from having grown up a "failed" girl— and being absolutely ostracized for it. Many of it comes from analyzing the pain I’ve gone through myself, but there's a small part of me that mourns the supposed "girlhood" that I could never acheive.

Even still. No amount of girl power, no amount of makeup, no amount of flattering clothing, no amount of trying to connect with girls (who would otherwise ridicule me) could make me enjoy the construct of "womanhood." Who would choose this? Does anyone actually like this?

And that’s not even getting into how much I’ve been hated, bullied, despised, for daring to express a different form of girlhood that deviated from the norm. Where I’m from, if you’re not the unattainable Latina baddie standard, you might as well be an ogre. Time to die alone. The people who’ve absolutely tormented me throughout my childhood, about 90% of them have been girls. What I say doesn’t come from nowhere, and honestly? I’d be lying if I said I never held some resentment towards certain women.

I will say, just because I personally never got along with women for the crime of being an unattractive, socially inept tomboy among them, and have a lot of unresolved trauma, doesn’t mean I won’t fight for their basic human rights. It doesn’t mean I don’t love women as a category of people, and the amazing women I’ve met throughout my life. Because as a transgender male, many of their rights are mine to fight for as well.

I felt like some of my inner turmoil from being 10 years old and Public Enemy No. 1 slips through at times, and I’m very sorry for that. I’ll do better in the future.

[salti-thelatediagnosedautist]

The emotional whiplash of a late autism diagnosis.

When I first thought about reaching out for an autism diagnosis, I did not expect the emotional roller-coaster it put me through.

I had suspected I was autistic since 13 years old. I was self diagnosed since 18 years old. I’m now 22, meaning I had related to and thought about being autistic for close to a decade.

Basically, I thought I was really comfortable with the idea of being autistic. It felt right, it felt good to know what was “wrong” with me. Even whilst going through the assessment process I was ecstatic. I was so excited to finally be able to confidently say “I am autistic”. Or be able to explain away my oddities and struggles. To finally be able to prove why I struggle with certain things.

Even for a few days after my diagnosis, I was so happy. I finally had my answer. I was right all along, I am autistic.

Then, “oh shit. I’m autistic. I will be autistic, for my whole life...”.

Complete, joyful certainty, was followed by doubt, fear and shame.

I am going to be autistic for the *rest* of my existence. I am going to be disabled for the rest of my existence. I am going to struggle with my sensory issues, my social struggles, my difficulty with connection, my sense of feeling out of place...

... for the rest of my life.

It almost felt like a death sentence, despite having been so comfortable with the diagnosis before I got professionally assessed.

Realising that I was actually a medically, 100% authentic, autisitic meant that I had to face the fact that I would NEVER be neurotypical. I can NEVER be normal. This is who I am, forever.

Yes, there are treatments and therapies and meds, but this won’t just go away. Being diagnosed doesn’t make it go away. It makes you realise just how permanent it is.

So, for a few weeks after my diagnosis, I have been grieving. I know that sounds weird but the idea of who I was, am, and will be, has had to completely change for me.

I will never be able to overcome my autistic traits. I thought through self improvement and hard work I could overcome my social anxiety, food aversions, high sensitivity and social blindness. But I won’t. Not completely. I can manage my traits and work on lessening their effect, but autism will ALWAYS influence my life.

Another aspect of being diagnosed that was depressing to me was realising how much time I wasted trying to be neurotypical. I’m an autistic person who tends to mask... a lot. I even referred to myself in the past as a chronic people pleaser... during some points of my life I feel as though I completely lost my identity to masking. To trying to be something I wasn’t.

I’ve had to realise how much time I wasted trying to make myself normal. Years of my life. My entire highschool experience, entire jobs... wasted to the mask. (Masking is not necessarily bad I just personally took it too far).

The part that hurts the worst to me, is realising that I never had a chance. I thought if I masked enough I would pass as normal, be able to live a neurotypical life.

But I never had even a sliver of a chance at succeeding at being neurotypical. At being “normal”. All my efforts were basically for nothing.

I’m sure now that people have always been able to tell I was different, an oddity, perhaps just a bit “eccentric”. But little-me was always destined to fail.

I was always destined to run into major burn out. Masking 24/7 for literal years was guaranteed to destroy my mental health and ruin my identity, self confidence and self worth.

The other aspect I struggled to comes to terms with is how no-one noticed. Looking back at my childhood, I feel as though it is extremely obvious I was struggling. I had few friends, was very emotional, very withdrawn. But because I was doing well in school and could talk no one seemed to want to look further into me.

I know that my lack of a diagnosis was not from a lack of love from my parents. I know that logically. Yet I can’t help but feel betrayed. They didn’t notice such a pervasive and destructive disability (only destructive because of my lack of understanding at the time) in their own kid. I question if they cared, if they loved me. If any of my teachers even gave a shit about me.

But despite all this, I feel as though I am slowly coming to terms with what being autistic will mean for me, and for my life. Being able to identify as disabled has made self compassion so much easier for me already.

To finish off, I want to let you all know that this is my warning. Self diagnosis is a wonderful thing. But no matter how comfortable you feel with your self diagnosis, if you go to get a professional diagnosis please be prepared for a LOT of feelings. It’s a lot to process. Please be kind to yourself. <3